#and a not insignificant part of that was what do you mean they're fucking right here and now in that coffin. they haven't resolved SHIT

[aeipathism]

(the mortifying ordeal of realizing how many typos made it into my tags)

(and the fic link if you're so inclined! it's still a wip but next chapter will be up tomorrow!)

I think his might honestly hit the... worst? From what I've seen in the other romances, his pre-tearstone fight is a lot... heavier. and felt brushed off much too easily. In the process of writing, I spent a lot of time watching through videos of the scenes for reference, and in several that had time stamps, the tearstone banter was marked as 'the resolution' following the fight (which is no shade to those doing god's work posting gameplay, it is technically meant to meet that function), and that made me feel insane.

(which, off topic entirely but it was also a little surprising to me that the age gap is considered canon no matter what. but that's a different essay.) (this got so much longer than i meant oh no, read more time)

But much as I adore Emmrich and his character, I was so mad at him following the fight, and my spitfire of a Rook was no different. Because all things considered, he's being condescending at best and controlling at worst. The beauty of Emmrich's character that I think ended up being my frustration point, is that all he really needs is a moment of genuine pushback from Rook. He needs Rook to say, in no uncertain terms, that he's acting out of turn and it isn't okay. I think he's reacting from a place of fear and discomfort (this is also obv addressing mortal Emmrich), and it isn't meant to be as bad as it comes off. He's level headed enough to accept criticism and reflect on it.

And as much as most players will bring their LI in their party at all times, putting 'the resolution' behind a party banter (and with no reaction from the poor third wheel to that) is... something. But that lackluster resolution, to me at least, made the sex scene feel Even More abrupt because there was even more unaddressed beyond the active grief Rook is handling. Because upset as Rook may be, and as much as it's a Bad Time for that conversation, the argument isn't over nothing. That's a genuine, important conversation in that kind of relationship. I think what bothered me in a lot of ways, was the treatment of the argument being a silly reaction to stress, and not poorly timed more than anything. (then feels even Weirder when you're in Minrathous and Emmrich goes full 'I can't wait until we can go home together and be with each other forever and I love you').

With the grief, also, the skipping over of it feels more acute with Emmrich's romance as well considering his position of prominence in the Mourn Watch. His character in whole revolves around death and the relationship to it from the living, his own fear of it. If any LI is equipped to talk about Rook's grief, it's him. Even if it isn't an exhaustive conversation. The complete lack of acknowledgment of the losses immediately into getting down and dirty with that old man feels stilted.

But getting to draw out that conversation, acknowledge some of that grief (and spend more time prior to the Necropolis with other companions and/or ruminating on that grief) puts Rook in a place to more or less compartmentalize. It gives them agency to say everything is awful, and stressful, and terrifying, but in this moment, they are choosing comfort and affection. (which really would be best delivered with options for that comfort to look like a night with company/quiet activity, or to look like sex with their LI.)

I think a lot of my issues with the end of his romance boil down to corporate cuts restricting time given to the scenes, and a poor choice of pre-tearstone fight. It isn't a brief frustrated blow up from stress and anxiety, it's a very real issue that genuinely needs to be addressed, both in topic and approach. Emmrich making decisions For Rook on what's best is really not okay, and Rook deserves to be pissed about it. By the same token, though, Emmrich is reasonable to worry about the age difference, and whether the full implications are clear to Rook, and if they're really okay with that. And it's packed onto the end of giving up his one out to his fear of mortality, so of course he's in panic mode.

If they wanted to use the same formula across romances, I think his would have more effectively utilized an argument centering more on the fear that Rook should outlive him, but they're about to fight Gods, and Rook might die. And he's carefully kept to himself for many years preparing for lichdom, carefully detaching from exactly that kind of thing. He's not handling that well, understandably so! It plays into his pattern of loss, and his known/stated fears wrt mortality, without feeding into a Much Larger conversation they need to have. So it felt unbalanced to me following the same formula as the others, when most of the fights seem to sum up to a variety of 'i can't acknowledge the depth of my care for you, because you might die, and that hurts.'

And really, all of this to say again. That having an option for a sweet scene for your LI that isn't sex would have mitigated a lot of this, even if the sex scene felt weirdly placed. Being able to choose to say no, not right now, feels a lot better overall.

On my second playthrough of veilguard and like honestly... i dont love that the 'sex' scenes come direct after the fade prison.

Like Rook just lost Davrin/Harding and Neve/Bellara. And found out Varric is dead.

I dunno about yall but grief doesnt make me super horny.

Maybe that sequence hit me harder this time, but id like an option for Rook to be like "hey this isn't what i need right now" ya know for like RP - but still get to have a nice moment with their LI

[naamahdarling]

Hi. I’m feeling sad too, I think that tends to happen late at night. At least we can be sad together lol

Yeah it's just a 3:00 thing. Literally I call it the "three o'clocksies". One of the best mental health things I've ever done for myself is learning to look at the time, and if it's after 3:00 a.m., I just tell myself I will put those feelings away until the next day, and I can feel them then if I have to. It doesn't work every time, but it works about 70% of the time, which is a lot better than the maybe 15 or 20% of the time I managed to deal with it by just powering through. Big fan.

Learning to approach strong negative emotions not arising directly from a currently unfolding crisis as temporary, and strong positive emotions as gifts and memories that I will get to have later has been really helpful. "All things pass" can be barbed, because that means good stuff too will pass. But that's just the nature of things, and we have a lot more control over what memories and feelings we keep with us than we think we do.

That is part of why I try so hard to find goodness when badness is around me. Because it really does make bad things easier to bear. I don't mean like spinning bad things into good things, or saying that bad things happen for a reason, I just mean things like moments of common kindness between strangers (which are actually a thing we can create ourselves instead of waiting to have happen to us or to observe), or a beautiful sunset the day you break your ankle, or the very very small child in the corner at urgent care who won't stop talking very articulately and at great length about how much he fuckin' loves chicken nuggets, or the person who took one look at me and didn't charge me anything at the gas station the night we lost Raleigh, no questions asked.

These moments aren't actually insignificant. They're the fabric of our lives, and by observing them even in the bad moments, we prepare ourselves to see them the rest of the time, it makes things easier. It's like putting flowers in a hospital room inside your mind. I may feel like dying, but somebody brought a miniature goat named Tom Brady to PetSmart with them and I got to pet him.

I'm not full of shit here, I have really been through it this past year. It really is worth it to struggle to look and see ordinary life around you as full of small surprises and little kindnesses. It isn't about some kind of bullshit healing through positivity thing (I think "positivity" as it is pushed at us is toxic bullshit) it's not going to cure your mental illness or whatever, it isn't going to take you out of the terrible circumstances fucking you over, it isn't going to undo your trauma, it's just seeing all the small good things that are easy to overlook, and realizing that some days, seeing the small good things really can be enough. That isn't pathetic or bleak, that isn't trying to fill your belly with nothing but crumbs and telling yourself you're lucky, it's just an underlying kind of warmth that it would be really unfortunate to not look for and allow yourself to feel.

It's a way of inhabiting life deliberately, and not just suffering through it. And it's taking me years to develop, and no, I can't always hold on to it, it isn't something that you can be successful at 100% of the time. But man, things got a lot better for me when I started taking pictures of the sky almost every time I go outside, and admiring strangers' questionable fashion choices, and wondering about things like what kind of person would buy this puzzle featuring a John Deere tractor, and enjoying small brown birds having a dust bath next to the drive-thru at Sonic, or taking pictures of interesting graffiti, or noticing the single mirror-spangled drag queen platform high heel on the side of the road, all of that. Things got better for me when I started to really care that I got to see those things.

IDK this got long. But I think...it's all right to be sad, I think sometimes we just have to be even when we aren't sure why. And that can and should coexist with the rest of the world being out there and ready to be seen, even through tears.

[just-a-sewer-goblin]

Simon Flinches

Simon x gn!reader

Finally did it! And I looked at it so much that I hate it now, even went back in and changed some small words and stuff, but here you go. Take the flinching trope and make it Simon instead of reader flinching.

Warnings: panic attack, hurt/comfort, barely proofread because I'm too tired, reader being called "Sir" as a honorific not referring to the gender

Wordcount ~3k

You'd say you've gotten good at navigating the minefield that is Simon. You've been together a while by now and you've learned how to handle him so he feels safe and can be himself. It's been a long process that's far from over but you wouldn't have it any other way. Simon is worth all the time, all the effort. And if it means losing a limb in the process, crossing that minefield to get closer to him is worth it.

Simon would say he's gotten good at defusing the ticking bomb that he is. He's been with you for a bit now and he's learned how to trust you more, how to be vulnerable with you. His walls are lower than they’ve ever been and it has actually lead to good things.

But sometimes things don’t go as you want. No matter how hard you try, how carefully you try to navigate Simon. Sometimes just a tiny thing, a gesture, a word, makes everything explode, traps you in that minefield without knowing where to put your foot next, how to reach out to him without stepping onto another scar, tearing it open in a violent explosion.

Like now. It’s so goddamn stupid you could kick yourself. You've been arguing about whose turn it was to choose the movie. Something so insignificant, so trivial. But it's been a long day for both of you and what started as a joking argument has turned into an actual one and now you don't know how to stop it. Your voices are raised, you’re both shouting the frustrations of the day at each other. You hate arguing with Simon, just as he hates arguing with you.

You know it’s a normal part of any relationship, but with Simon it scares you. With Simon you never know when it could turn into him leaving. Into him pulling away. Yet you find yourself unable to stop your frustration from dripping from your tongue like venom. Simon’s not doing any better.

"Your movie choices are questionable anyway!", Simon throws into your face. "I suffer through them just for you. But they're horrible really! They all suck. I want to watch something that actually entertains me!"

Okay, that stung. Just a few days ago you'd shared one of you favorite movies with him. A movie that changed something in you when you first watched it, a movie that slightly tilted your world view. You didn't expect him to like it but that stung. And in your mind his sentence turns into you not being entertaining enough.

So you step forward, trying to hold back tears. "Yeah, as if your", you jab your finger at his chest, Simon flinches back "movie choices -"

You freeze. He'd taken a step back, raising his hands to shield himself and your heart drops, shattering at your feet. His big eyes are watching your next move in apprehension.

It should be ridiculous, really, someone as capable as Simon, a trained soldier, flinching over you putting your finger on his chest. As if you could actually inflict harm on him. As if you wouldn't rather die than hurt him.

But it's not ridiculous. It's a fucking fist to the face.

The sudden quiet makes your ears ring and Simon doesn't seem to be any better. His chest is heaving. His arms are still up, shoulders hunched, his entire stance small and scared. He’s ready to block your blows, ready to deal with you finally putting your hands on him.

His breathing is loud and quick and you want to guide him to calmness but you don’t know how when you caused his distress in the first place. This is new territory. A new step you took that landed you directly over a mine and it’s exploding right now. Exploding in slow motion, letting you see the details of everything you’ve built with Simon shattering and crumbling into dust.

Then his entire demeanor changes and you almost get whiplash. In a flash he’s squared his feet, narrowed his eyes and dropped his shoulders. His hands have gone down but they’re fists at his sides and there’s nothing relaxed about his new stance. You just watched every wall he’s let down for you come back up in the matter of a second.

His cold gaze almost hurts, his eyes distant and calculating, trying to guess your next move. Like a shield of ice that slipped into place before his soul, keeping it hidden from you.

"Simon -" It's whispered. A plea.

He takes a deep breath, rolling his shoulders and then starts walking towards you with purpose. For an irrational second you think he’s going to hit you for scaring him. You think he’s going to get revenge on you for everything that’s ever been done to him.

The next second you’re ashamed for even thinking that. He’s not going for you. No, it’s worse. He’s going for the door of the living room behind you.

You’re helplessly watching, your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth, throat dry, almost painful. Your heart is hammering so hard it feels like it’s trying break your ribs from the inside. Trying to break free so it can follow Simon.

You’re frozen as you watch him leave the room. Every single muscle in his body is coiled tight, ready to whip around and stop any threat. Stop you should you so much as breathe too hard.

Holding your breath, tears gather in your eyes, dripping wetly down your cheeks. This is it, you’re waiting for the telltale sound of the door to the apartment opening and closing, Simon walking out of your life because this is irreparable.

The relieve you feel when you hear the bedroom door instead almost brings you to your knees. Then you hear the lock to the room turn and your heart breaks all over again. He’s locked you out of his safe space.

Fuck.

You sink down onto the floor and start crying in earnest. You never wanted to scare him. Never wanted to provoke that reaction. You had only pointed your finger!

You’re not even sure if you’re crying over what you’d just done or if your tears are for Simon, how he must be feeling right now. The one person he’s let in raising their hand at him, making him feel unsafe.

He’d thought you’d hit him. He’d thought you’d put your hands on him in a harmful way.

The pain coursing through you makes you breathless as you cry for Simon and everything he’s endured, as you cry over what you’d just ruined.

Hopefully he can’t hear you from the bedroom. You don’t want to cry over this, it’s not your place to cry when Simon is the one hurting. But you’re so scared of losing him of losing your best friend of losing your forever that you can’t help it.

In a weird twisted, crooked way his reaction is prove of how much he trusts you. Trusted you. He’d trusted you enough to let his guard down so far that a gesture of yours caught him off guard. You’ve never seen him so surprised by something someone did, his eyes always all over everyone. He’s always so aware of everyone and everything.

The fact that he felt safe enough to even be caught off guard shows just how close he’d let you. It was a privilege, a gift. A fragile little thing with broken wings in your palms and now you’ve crushed it.

You try to calm your breathing more. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Deep, slow. The way you instruct Simon to breathe when he’s battling his demons.

Demons he might be battling right now. And suddenly your tears run dry and you jump to your feet. This really isn’t the time to feel sorry for yourself. So you get a slippery grip on your emotions and push them back for a later time.

Rushing to the bedroom, you raise your hand and pause. You can hear Simon’s steps in the room; he’s walking in circles like a caged animal. You’ll be damned if you don’t at least try to help, doesn’t matter if this is your fault in the first place.

You knock.

His steps halt.

And then they approach the door, soft thuds drawing closer, you can see the door handle turn but it doesn’t open. And then he’s frantically shaking it, apparently not remembering locking it.

“It’s locked!” His voice sounds so confused and scared that your chest feels like it’s caving in.

“You locked it, baby. You can unlock it. The key is on your side.”, you try to say in a calm soothing tone but you’re pretty sure your voice is shaking.

The turning of the key is frantic and the door gets ripped open and then you’re face to face with Simon and his eyes are wide, flitting all over the room, disoriented. His chest is still heaving, even worse than before, and when you see him shaking, you know there’s no stopping it.

Simon’s eyes lock on you and he doubles over, his hands clawing at his chest and neck, he's breathing too hard, always in until his chest must feel like it’s exploding.

“Can’t… breathe…”, he chokes out, eyes utterly terrified, tears starting to drip as he’s frantically trying to breathe and not drown in his feelings.

You don’t know if this is a ‘touch helps’ kind of panic attack or a ‘don’t you dare touch me’ panic attack and you’re scanning over him trying to guess, when his hand grips your shoulder in an iron grip and his wide eyes look straight through you.

He’s still hyperventilating and your heart seems hell bent on matching his hectic panting. Grabbing his arms, you try to steady him as he goes down, his knees buckling. He’s heavy in your hold and your muscles scream but you put your all into preventing him from falling and hurting himself in the process. At least you manage to slow his fall and then he’s on the floor on his hands and knees. One of his hands tries to dig his fingers into the floor as the other fists his shirt, damn near ripping it.

You have to do something even if you don’t know if it’ll help or make things worse. There's no forgiving yourself if you don’t at least try, even if it’s fishing in the dark. If it doesn’t work, you can change the approach. But doing nothing won’t help anyway. So you wrap your arms around him. “I’m going to lay you down, baby. I’m going to hold you.”

You don’t think he hears you but maneuvering him without telling him feels wrong anyway. And then you do exactly as you said, you tug Simon with all your strength towards you and he topples over onto his side, landing on top of you instead of the floor and you’re glad you’re there to soften his fall. Even if you’re pretty sure you’ll have bruises from it.

Immediately you wriggle partially out from under him, keeping him on your thighs, in your lap and you wrap your arms around him.

“I’ve got you, Simon. I’m here. You’re in our apartment. Everything is okay. You’re safe, baby.”

Tears silently start dripping fdown your face again, when he curls in on himself clawing at the floor and you know he will black out if he doesn’t get his breaths more even.

In a desperate attempt you put your hand over his chest and push. “Simon, breathe out, baby, come on. Out.”

You exhale in an exaggerated way next to his ear and you think you hear him exhaling the tiniest bit, before he’s sucking air in in in. But that’s something. He can hear you, he reacts, which means he’s allowing you to guide him.

You press again. “Good, again. Ouuuuuut.”, you exhale and this time he manages to get a bit more air out. The way your top is sticking to you with sweat makes you shiver but you don’t give any attention to your own body being stressed. It will calm down when Simon does.

You continue. You don’t know how long you talk to him like that, reassurances between commands to breathe. It’s probably only been a few minutes, but you’re exhausted like you’ve been going for hours, fighting for every exhale until finally his breathing is back to a rhythm that’s as close to normal as it can get in this moment.

The exhaustion rolls over you as if you’ve had the attack yourself and your body curls over him, resting your head on him as he shakes in your lap and breathes.

The thumping of his heart under your cheek is still way too quick and he’s shaking like a fucking leaf, so you drag your tired body out from under him and turn him onto his back. Goddamnit he’s heavy.

Looking at his face resupplies your tears. His cheeks are wet, he’s pale as a sheet and his arms are clutched tightly to him as he continues shaking. You know he’s somewhat aware of his surroundings again but he’s still victim to his mind and body.

Remembering what he’s asked for before in moments when he’s needed grounding, you crawl over him and lay down with your full weight. Your head rests on his chest, near his shoulders and his arms, curled over his chest, dig into your own uncomfortably but that doesn’t matter right now.

Your own body shakes with his as you raise your hands, gently lifting his head - after a silent “please” because he resisted for a moment until his eyes focused on you - and pull a rug closer so he can rest his head on that instead of the hard floor.

Your entire body sags with relief when he pulls his arms out from under you and wraps them around you instead. His hold is tight as if he’s trying to make your bodies merge into one. As if he’s trying to push you into his ribcage to keep your right next to his heart.

His heartbeat slowly returns to normal under you and yours follows his lead. When he lifts his head and presses a kiss to your forehead, you curl your fist tighter into his shirt and finally try to push yourself off of him. The slight tightening of his hold on you makes you settle again.

The broad palms of his hands are warm and soothing as they pass back and forth over your back. You press your lips to his chest through his shirt and his next exhale is long and shaky.

He moves, jostling you slightly, and you try to get up again, but he doesn’t let you. His voice is low and tired as he says: “Hold on, lovie.”

You do and he sits up, maneuvering you in his arms until he’s got one arm around your back and one under your knees. Then he stands up and even though his movements are slow and exhausted the little to no effort with which he handles your weight still steals your breath.

His heavy steps take you both back into your bedroom and he puts you down on your shared bed, crawling in with you immediately.

You turn onto your side, as does he and then you’re looking at each other, the exhaustion on his face making you feel your own all the more.

Simon moves his hand, covers one of yours and squeezes twice. Immediately you return the gesture. A small sleepy smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. The reassurance behind that gesture making both of you melt into the mattress.

Still there’s so much talking to do and you end up whispering “We need to talk about this, Si.” into the small space between you, where your joined hands lie.

He brings your hand up to his lips and presses a kiss to each of your fingers, before letting it fall back onto the covers, still in his hold. His eyes are exhausted but you know you can’t sleep without having discussed what happened.

“I need you to know, Si”, you swallow against the tightness in your throat “I would never, ever hurt you. I’d rather chop off my own hand than touch you in a way that could cause you harm. I’m so sorry, Simon, I-“

“I know.”

You shut up, big eyes on his and he smiles, kissing the back of your hand this time.

“I know.”, he repeats and practically watches the gears in your head turn. So he takes a deep gulp of air and continues. “It’s not you, ‘luv. It’s the fucking past. Not your fault that a damn finger is all it took today to set me off. It’s my brain being a fucker.”

You’re so relieved you could cry again. He didn’t think you’d hurt him. His brain just didn’t make the distinction between the finger belonging to you or someone else at that moment. In that moment it was only a hand raised against him.

Still, maybe there’s a way to prevent that in the future? So you tentatively ask: “What can I do so you feel comfortable trusting me more? So you don’t feel like you’re endangered by a gesture from me?”

“I trust you.”, he states calmly and you shake your head.

“There has to be something I can do better. So it’s easier for you to trust-“ The way Simon takes your joined hands and brings them up to his throat, abruptly shuts you up. He's pressing your palm against it so it would be easy to squeeze and hurt and – you try to pull it back and he forces your hand harder against his throat with his own. You freeze completely.

“I trust you.”

Your eyes widen and fly to his from where they’d been locked onto his throat and the way your hand is curled against it in a chokehold.

His eyebrows are drawn together and his eyes fixated on you, willing you to understand. The soft caress of his thumb on the back of your hand - a hand that could cut off his oxygen if you wanted - makes your heart squeeze painfully in your chest.

“Okay.”, you whisper and he finally drops his hand, allows you to slowly draw your hand back from his throat. Your eyes are still widened and lock onto his neck again. Leaning forward you press a kiss to the delicate skin over his Adam’s apple and feel him swallow heavily under your lips.

When you look at hom again his eyebrows are still furrowed and warm palm finds your cheek. “I’m sorry, I reacted like that to something so small.”

You shake your head and nuzzle into his hold, giving a little kiss to his thumb. There's desperation in his eyes and you whish you could kiss it away.

“I’m sorry, ‘m all kinds of fucked up, ‘luv. Wouldn’t fault you if it’s too much. If you want to –“ Your hand covers his mouth and his eyes betray the surprise at that gesture.

“Don’t you dare, Si. Don’t you dare even say that.  As if I’d want that. You shouldn’t even think that. The only reason why I mind the panic attacks is because I know how heavily they weigh on you. You can flinch, you can scream, you can break, I don’t mind. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy seeing you hurt, if I could I’d make it stop, but I’ll take that as long as I have you in my arms at the end of the day.”

His hand gently draws your hand away from his mouth and he whispers: “But I’m a handful, lovie. How can you not mind the hassle?”

You smile at him, a little mischievously. “Good thing that I’ve got two hands then, baby.”

He snorts, while his entire face softens, and draws you in closer, you're pressed into his chest, his arms around you and he showers your head with kiss after kiss.

“I thought you were going to leave me.”, comes your muffled voice abruptly halting all of Simon's movement. Gently he pushes you away a bit so you can see his sincerity when he answers.

“Never. As long as you’ll have me.”

Your eyes water and he tilts your head up, with the tip of his finger under your chin, and presses the softest of kisses to your lips. “Don’t care about the flinches and panic attacks and hard moments as long as I get to be in your arms at the end of the day.”

You laugh, when he uses your words against you, a cracked, teary laugh and kiss him again.

“Fuck I need a nap.”, he groans once you’ve managed to stop spelling your love against the lips of each other. You giggle.

“We both do, but drink something first. You’ll wake up with a headache if you don’t.”, you say and he groans with the effort of rolling over and drinking out of the bottle on his nightstand.

He doesn’t know what he did to deserve you, what he did to find someone so caring. Who looks at his hard exterior and handles it with soft touches and patience. He doesn’t know what he did right in his life, because he for sure can’t remember ever doing anything right, to find someone like you. He’s not going to let you go and if he has to beg at some point, then he’ll strangle his pride with his own two hands and do so.

When he faces you again he grins. “Mission accomplished, Sir.”

You groan and hide your face in your hands, missing Simon’s soft expression at your flustered state. God you’re so cute. Especially when you’re voice comes out all embarrassed when you say: “You can’t say that! You know what it does to me when you call me that!”

He wraps his arms around you again, pulling you close, your bodies fit to each other, immediately finding comfort in each other. And he can feel a wave of calmness crash over him, making him sleepy and slow. “Ya can do something ‘bout that when we wake up. Don’t think my soldier’s up to doing any long marches right now.”

He’s expecting it when your hand wriggles free and slaps his shoulder. “Simon!” You can feel his upper body shake with silent laughter.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Si.”

Your eyes are heavy, your muscles finally relaxing after all that tension of earlier. Your bodies melt into each other. You can feel Simon’s breathing getting slower, a telltale sign of him falling asleep.

“I love you.”, you mumble again before sleep takes you.

Simon’s too far gone to reply but you feel the two squeezes of his hand on you, pressing his love directly into your skin.

[neverpathia]

"come, quench my boredom," oh, I sure will:

How about some Thorn for the character list game? >:]

FIE! HAVE AT YOU. HAVE AT YOU ALL.

I'm probably not gonna be getting at these as fast as I'd like. Clearly I had a lot to say about Para but at least he's out of the way, and now Thorn...Damn you, Everest Gale. Damn you. (I have gotten my vengeance with the Paranoid ask on you, though. My time had come.) /lh

[checks who's up next] OH COME ON BROKEN TOO?? MY THREE FAVOURITES IN THAT ORDER???

With that said. This one's probably going to be a little bit short because I've thrown out all my energy on that Paranoid post + analysis lol. Sorry, my beautiful creature plant wife, you deserve so much better.

favourite thing about them

I rummage through every facet of her character and I...don't pull my hands out from the drawer, because it's that hard to choose.

But if I really do have to pick, I'd probably go for her character development and what it represents. The Thorn, as a chapter, tells you that things don't have to end at hurt. That there's always hope, even after you act and react, and act and react, and act and react again. That pain isn't the end. That the cycle doesn't have to keep moving, because it can always be halted. That it's never too late to let go and start anew.

And that doesn't mean that the pain was insignificant, because yes, it's always been there. Inflicted, passed on, released outward, turned inward. If dismissed away, it could grow and remain forever. But it could also be dispelled, and one could finally heal.

I'll also point out that she's absolutely adorable, pretty as all hell, and just smoking hot. Because she's the fucking Thorn. And the sheer symbolism—the way the roots of the wild sprout anew and morph into prickles, contorting around herself when she directs her pain inward. The way she finally sees her poppies for the first time when you both let her recover. I'll be fucking sick.

least favourite thing about them

A single crow glides across this part of the post, idly dropping a single white splatter before fluttering away with three wing-flaps. Nothing to see here, carry on.

(I'm very lax when it comes to others' Thorn characterization, because I never really get her character right myself. But it doesn't bother me too much because I rarely post Princess content anyway. And I do think I'm improving with her writing.)

favourite line

"I'm so tired of the bad blood between us. But it's hard to let it go. You've hurt me. ... And I've hurt you."

I think this just encapsulates so much about her arc. She doesn't want this horrible cycle to keep happening anymore. And she's just as accountable as you are. But at the same time, that doesn't mean she's not reluctant. It's all she's ever known at this point, and it certainly doesn't help that the grievances between you still exist either way.

She's not letting her guard down so easily, not here and certainly never as the Witch. But she wants to try. It's hard, but she's already so resigned. And she does want it to stop.

Also she sounds so tired here and it's kind of hot but you can still hear the guilt, the grief, the single sliver of hope...Thorn I really do love you. Thorn, I love you Thorn. Marry me Thorn. Thorn-

brOTP

Thorn and Cage. They're the two most prominent princesses in my post-construct AU (alongside HEA and Razor. sorry Cheated) and they're definitely close as all hell. Both of them get how it is to be trapped in a hopeless cycle, and how it is to break it.

They're like a cat and an office lady. Thorn spontaneously finds stuff in the woods and brings, say, a dead rat to Cage's doorstep for the sake of friendship. Cage dangles a chain over Thorn's head and she gleefully swipes at it.

Thorn twirls around in a flower field as Cage sits in place and smiles, weaving stems into a flower crown. Then Thorn slides onto her stomach beside her, observing as she playfully kicks the dirt. She's a very whimsical lass.

And let's not forget the scars. Cage is always there for the sudden aches and pains, and she's always there to soothe them with some salve and bandage them with meticulous precision. As for Cage's disembodied head...Thorn did try to seal it back together with a few slivers of plant stem, but it never holds for very long. Not for lack of trying, though. They're always best friends.

Thorn is so whimsical and Cage is so stoically silly and oh my god yes. Just yes. And they're both pretty women.

otp

Cheated x Thorn. I've gone over this before but holy shit I love them. They're the ship I've probably drawn the most? I'm pretty sure. I'm definitely not projecting onto Cheated. Don't look at my current account theme.

But either way I really love them together. Just a couple of flawed, faulty people who have been hurt and chosen to hurt in turn. And yet they're changing. And yet they're recovering. They can't find much solace at all, but they're learning to find peace and sometimes that's enough. The little moments they share are few and far between but so very cute and cathartic and- squealing.

But Cheated isn't immune from Thorn's catlike, playful side either. She randomly paws softly on his coat for no reason. She sits cross-legged on his unfinished game of solitaire. And he actually isn't too mad about it, no matter what his lighthearted grumbling might suggest.

However, they both have trust issues and aren't prone to surprising each other that much. This is another one with horrible will-they-wont-they tension. Thorn eagerly brings him little gifts (some less necessary than others) and tells him she loves him so many times a day, but when it comes to actual physical affection...it takes her a lot of courage. But then she kisses him. And then he, flustered beyond all hell, completely short-circuits.

It's a bit like sunshine x grumpy, although it's also chaos x chaos. Both of them are unhinged. They match each others' freak.

nOTP

Mai (@/hello-universe-lovers) would be very disappointed in me. Dramatic drumroll: Oppythorn.

Well, this is a hundred percent attributed to how I write these fucks because, dramatic reveal: My Opportunist is gay. Achillean. MLM. Swings the other way. He's so fruity Disney-villain coded, so how could I not? (No hate to the gays, by the way. I have better gay voices.)

But my version of these two can't be left alone in a room without engaging in a silent dirty-look competition and shooting obscene gestures at each other (if Smitten is present) or devolving into a dishonourable brawl (if Smitten is absent.) He doesn't understand how Thorn's attempting to redeem herself. Thorn doesn't want to engage with him and return back to those dark times.

They hate each other, but they are mirrors. One retreating further into the dark, one letting herself reach for the light. Opportunist is everything that the Thorn wants to leave behind. They're like toxic exes to me.

random headcanon

If Witch is feral, Thorn is domesticated. She purrs when you give her back scritches. She randomly plops herself down on your table for no reason. She finds boxes and wordlessly declares them her new home. And she does not like baths (though she's willing to sit through it if she trusts you enough. And after a while, she begrudgingly appreciates how the water soothes her scars.)

Just because she's perfectly capable of sitting down with you over a cup of tea and holding a conversation, doesn't make her any less of a chaotic little creature.

At the same time, she desperately tries to be kind anytime she can. She bombards the people she likes (especially Cheated) with gifts and favours. She tries to use kind words, but sometimes she hesitates for too long trying to find the nicest thing to say. She's still trying to grapple with the notion that conversations aren't battlegrounds. No more scheming and plotting. Just words. Just people.

I also like to think that her control over the thorns is actually pretty high. As in epic-anime-fight-scene level high. Thing is, in-game she's too dejected and tired to actually excise any control over them by the time you see her, so she just sits there helplessly in this prison of her own making. She sealed herself in there. She didn't even know if she deserved to escape, and she certainly didn't think so. God. Love you.

unpopular opinion

I'll just echo what everyone else says. She's not just a softie; she still has her claws. People need to remember that she stemmed specifically from Witch.

We need more creature Thorn content.

Maybe she's deliberately trying to be more civilised and get rid of her cat-like mannerisms. Perhaps she gets a little bit embarrassed when she's caught engaging in kitty stuff, and quickly corrects herself. Or maybe she just doesn't care. Being a scrunkly little creature doesn't have to interfere with rehab, right?

song that reminds me of her

For some inexplicable reason, Sweater Weather reminds me of her. Maybe it's the voice, I don't know.

Love Like You and I'll Call You Mine also strike me as pretty Thorn-coded, though I'm frankly not that good at picking out songs for characters.

favourite image

Oh I am so glad you asked because-

LOOOOOOOOOK AT HER SHE'S SO PRECIOUS AND THOSE EYES THOSE DOWNCAST EYES THE SHEER GRIEF AND REMORSE AND THE WAY SHE'S STILL CLUTCHING AT THE KNIFE DESPITE IT ALL AND- dead.

Special mention goes to these, though.

Godddd she looks so cute and defiant in the last two, and so small, and so vulnerable, and so adorable, and so-

Yeah. I think I'll leave it here as I proceed to scream to myself about her. Just her.

[hoverboards-and-dragons]

How does God and Lucifer’s siblings view the sins? Are his siblings jealous they have been replaced or are some of them glad that Lucifer has found others who he can be a family with?

Also, do Asmodeus and Lucifer ever indulge in bird like behavior together?

God is very pleased Lucifer has them, He intended for it and a lot of the needless cruelty of the fall was to ensure Lucifer was found, endeared and open(desperate enough) to accept the help of the demons princes.

A full power emotionally destabilized Archangel wasn't going to be quick to make friends in hell. And Yes, I am very much looking forward to unpacking God's 'Ends justify the Means' mentality and 'Father knows best' approach to making decisions that affect other people without their say.

He likes them if only cause He's less guilty for losing Lucifer's original family if he ends up with another one.

However they as individuals are very foreign, while nothing is like Him, He has an understanding of creatures that strive for His perfection. He does not know what to do with those that have no interest in His order. Especially those created outside His will.

He skittish around Fat Nuggets as He is the Sins its very amusing

He's immune to Fear of Unknown by nature of being All knowing, they aren't Other to Him - He's perfectly aware they are complex people with depth and value. Which has unlocked some other, far stranger emotional response that like a morbid intrigue.

The sins and archangels' dynamics do have some posts here and here but im always up for an excuse for a proper mindset deep dive!

Because of implicit and explicit bias his brothers think of hellborn demons as lesser, Heaven is just like that, not necessarily bad just insignificant in the wake of God's Will and Order.

They see them as pets Luci is using to fill the void they left behind, the best he can do, while they're not necessarily upset at the situation by itself...

They are absolutely affronted at Lucifer being closer and more comfortable with the sins than he is or really ever was with them.

All he does is complain about the sins and how he has to manage them! (context) They were under the impression he barely tolerated them what do you mean he finds the demons' company preferable and there's a undercurrent of unbreakable trust and unconditional love in all that taunting and banter.

His siblings aren't jealous of being replaced however they are extremely jealous of being superseded.

They also... see the sins as bringing out Lucifer's 'worst traits', (mainly, Pride) because Christianity Heaven runs on shame and repression so nothing's more terrifying to them than someone being unapologetic in themselves

It's like, the worst parts of Catholic guilt and Protestant evangelical beliefs mixed together.

He has to miserable in hell in every way because if he was even the least bit happy away from the church Heaven that would have to mean something was wrong with him... or it. They don't want to see their brother like that but they're unwilling to compromise their worldview either, for who are they without God? Who is God if He's wrong?

Lucifer is cringe(and damned) but he is free etc etc

I'm so glad that near decade I spent studying Christian dogma and culture is coming in useful, there's so much texture and potential in this family dynamic

Yes, YES!!! I have waited my whole life for someone to ask about this, Bird solidarity!! Asmodeus unfortunately doesn't have a beak (it's different from claws or fingers and not even other angels can replicate it, fuck he misses his Dad) but still mutual preenings!! Billing!! Nestling!! Headbutting!! Wing tucking!! Someone who gets it!

I think Lucifer feels way more fondness for the Ars Goetia than he has any right to just cause a lot of them are birds.

Yeah they're pompous arrogant pricks but, those are endearing quirks to him if it's birds (okay he sees these as basically pets)

Paimon is still around despite his everything because he has a beak and is one of the few Goetia to truly prioritize ass kissing over dignity or prestige and will groom him without acting like it's weird.

[matan4il]

Something I see and have seen more of since the SA hearing started was people taking tweets/statements in Hebrew and using Google translate to claim these Israelis are saying really racist, crazy things. Like I'm sure there are asshole Israelis who spout off racist shit, but every country has that, and people can cherry pick whatever they want.

But part of me doubts all of these tweets are even translated correctly. I mean, Google Translate is notoriously bad, but suddenly, it's reliable? I'm sure it's fucking up in some cases, and I wouldn't be shocked if some are straight up wrong or faked (it's not that hard especially now with ai).

But again even if all these racist tweets calling SA's monkeys/slaves and should be bombed are true, those don't represent all Israelis and its clear they're picking the worst examples. Also, it's so annoying to see this idea coming from people who defend the antisemitic stuff in their movement by claiming it doesn't represent all of them. So again it just becomes anouther double standard for Israel/jews in general.

Hi Nonnie,

Absolutely, you're right that there was a lot of taking things out of context, like presenting something that an Israeli official said about destroying Hamas, as if it's said about all Palestinians.

But you're right to be skeptical that maybe some translations are incorrect. Automatic translations ARE bad, but there are also people who are intentionally mistranslating.

I'll give you an example. I'm sorry now that I didn't save that post, but I found the vid that the post used the first 5 seconds from. It's a vid of Yoav Gallant, Israel's Defense Minister, speaking about how, "Gaza won't return to what it was before. We will eliminate everything." Which sounds pretty damning, right? Except the translator intentionally skipped four short words in Hebrew. Gallant actually said, "Gaza won't return to what it was before, Hamas won't be, we will eliminate everything." <- These 3 short words (Hamas lo ihie) totally change the meaning! Here's the vid, and a transcription of the Hebrew words, if you wanna try and follow: "Azza lo tachzor lihiot ma she'hi haita, Hamas lo ihie, nechasel et ha'kol."

Please note that this is an official translation, from an actual news source, the Al Arabiya channel. Which shows you how much you can trust media that's biased against Israel.

Those three omitted words make it clear that what Gallant means will change after the war is specifically that Hamas will be removed from Gaza, and 'we will eliminate everything' refers to the terrorist infrastructure of Hamas in Gaza, not to the entire area.

What gets to me is that you can clearly hear Gallant say 'Hamas' at the start of his second sentence, even without understanding Hebrew or following the entire transcription, so you don't even need to take my word for it. You can listen to it for yourself, and see that someone omitted the word 'Hamas' from the translation, which in the context of a sentence then quoted by countless anti-Israel social media accounts, and by South Africa at the UN's International Court of Justice, is quite a significant omission.

And this is just one example. So yeah, absolutely DO NOT TRUST translations that come from anti-Israel sources. They have every reason to lie, omit and distort, and millions who blindly believe them.

As for how there are some bad apples in Israel, of course there are! Every human group has both horrible and amazing people, and everything in between. That's not the question. In the context of a state, it's a question of whether these people represent an actual policy? Do they even have power to dictate policy? When they say awful things, how are they treated, are they embraced, or denounced? Is the implementation of the state's actual policy in the field indicative of genocidal intents, or do the over 10,000 aid trucks allowed by Israel into Gaza so far, speak louder than an insignificant Israeli politician, who doesn't even have the authority to dictate Israel's policy regarding Gaza, and who thinks he's scoring some cookie points by saying some dumbass shit?

Like one Israeli politician, who's in charge of heritage, whatever that's supposed to mean (I can't tell you a single accomplishment of his, or a task he oversees, but he certainly isn't in charge of ANYTHING that has to do with the war) who was asked (so this dumbass didn't even come up with this dumb take himself), "Would it be a possibility for Israel to use a nuclear bomb on Gaza?" and he said yes. He didn't come up with this idea, he didn't say it's a certainty, he didn't call for its execution, he was just asked about the option and said it exists, except anyone with a single brain cell (yes, you can tell my opinion of him), and certainly the people in Israel with real power, would tell you that even if anyone was that inhumane, dropping a nuclear bomb on Gaza, which is right by Israel, with tons of Israeli communities right next to the border, would kill countless people in Israel, too. Which I am sure he would not actually support in a real life scenario. Oh, and he also got denounced and suspended right away. And still he was quoted at the ICJ, because why not? We all know every country is measured by what its dumbest, least consequential politician says, not by what its leaders do... Oh wait, no. That's just Israel.

So yes, you're right. It is an application of a double standard that discriminates the Jewish state, while most countries aren't treated that way, and while Israel haters themselves wouldn't wanna be treated like that.

I hope you're well, and taking care of yourself in the face of all of this hateful propaganda and discrimination! xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[inf1nyxw0rlds]

pspspspsps 4 the infinite asks: 3, 18 n 26 :eyes:

oooo ALRIGHT here goes !!

3. what's your favourite part of his design? why?

honestly a fucking difficult question but i'm reaping what i've sown. it's very close between mask and hair – the mask is so iconic in it's shape, i love the asymmetry and the attention to detail in that the right side is blacked out, likely because he doesn't need to see. it's crisp, it's edgy, it's a moment and a vibe and i love it. sure, if you wanna draw it at funky angles it could be a nuisance, but because it's shapes are so distinct u CAN break it down. and use references baby!

his hair i love because i'm just a sucker for guys – or, in his case, guy who is not a Man but is a boy in a dog way – with long hair. let them have it. please. it suits him so well and you can style it in a lot of different ways even besides the iconic locs !!

18. how do you feel about shadow killing squad jackal? do you headcanon otherwise?

okay this topic is one that i've seen a LOT of differing views on, and i definitely understand the divide on it because shadow's character in general is one that can never really be agreed upon among fans. my own take isn't one i've shared here yet so here it is – i think it depends on circumstance.

i can see it going either way depending on how things actually went down. rather than just asking why would shadow kill squad jackal, i like to ask why wouldn't he? both questions make you think about it from a different angle, i think. i can see him not caring either way; they're willing allies of eggman, but they're not a big deal. they're insignificant, whether that means their lives are unimportant, or not worth the energy to take. i don't think he would do it with outright malicious intent, though he is still an asshole.

i veer more toward he wouldn't, because he doesn't really give a shit and it isn't worth the energy. knocking them unconscious suffices just fine and they don't seem to be as dangerous as villains he's faced in the past. at the same time, i understand how his indifference could go the other way. he's also impulsive, and trained to take out anything in his way – it could be instinctual. my opinion of shadow is that he's neither killing enthusiastic or opposed. he deals with things case by case. he's not a monster, but not against doing what has to be done.

these are incidents from different sources, so take it with a grain of salt, but he extended an offer to metal sonic in archie to turn over a new leaf, though in cases like eggman and tinker, eggman shows much less, if any, promise of potential change, and that's where the line gets drawn.

shadow doesn't know anything about squad jackal and why they're allied with him, but on the basis of just working with eggman, would that be enough? i don't think so personally but, that's just me. again, i see it being more instinctual, a means of completing his mission, if he did. tunnel vision sort of deal, you know?

what happens in my fic, however, is complicated. that's all i'll say on the matter :)

26. what does his self-care look like?

it doesn't. okay jokes aside, i think he's always had a rough time looking after himself, between mental illness and being on the road for years fighting for his survival. he cares about his appearance a lot, but at the same time, it's hard for him to manage it and this really applies after losing his team.

he likes baths over showers, though, and if he had the option he would probably like one with candles, just allowing himself to lay there for a bit. he cares a lot about his hair and it has high priority. comfy clothes on a bad day, music appropriate to his energy levels, cookies and a blanket. he tends to take space and just withdraw to reenergise if he can. i also headcanon him letting his emotions out through art, writing, and being very elaborate and often brutal BUT that's post-war

[hexcrystals]

people are so stupid my god. i’m on tumblr mostly as a lurker for fandoms i like, but irl i’ve been part of several local protests for gaza and palestine, with a number of displaced palestinians who live here (in a western european country) and only a handful of young people even care about the boycott. which isn’t to say it’s not a good idea but it simply isn’t well known enough. what every serious person i know who has been active in this cause asks us to do is the support the bds movement + + put pressure on your politicians + donate to good aid orgs if you can. me loving and supporting ofmd is so insignificant. it’s a joke. don’t get me wrong taika signing that letter is being a clown and i don’t ‘stan’ him, but that’s a general rule for me. celebrities are not our friends. but you can think he makes good art without thinking he’s perfect. and you can post on social media too. is complaining about tumblr blogs also not breaking the strike 🙃

right like at the end of the day, boycotting starbucks isn't going to end the atrocities, and spending $5 in starbucks isn't going to progress them. yelling at ordinary people living their lives and telling them they're participating in genocide because you've decided their tumblr posts don't show enough evidence that they're sticking to the boycott or bc they didn't follow a poorly coordinated 'global strike' that didn't even originally call for a social media blackout is fucking bonkers behaviour

there is always a humanitarian crisis somewhere in the world. there are multiple genocides taking place. human beings treat each other terribly. it's a fucking tragedy what's happening in palestine, and ukraine, and sudan, and the congo, and armenia, and literally everywhere else where people are suffering and starving and dying. but that doesn't mean that the people who are lucky enough to not be in that situation are never allowed to experience joy ever again, or that we have to give up all hobbies and comforts and sources of entertainment

what people post on their personal blogs has absolutely no fucking bearing on what activism they do or don't do. nobody owes you proof of shit. you can't just decide people are evil bc they haven't posted the exact combination of words you wanted them to write

and we can't just flagellate ourselves until the world is a perfect place. proselytising on tumblr doesn't help anybody except yourself and all you're doing is showing your ass by preaching compassion and humanity in one breath then telling people to kill themselves in the next

[folliesandfolderols]

Writing prompts days 89-91

From this prompt list. If you’ve read this far, I’m not sure you need any explanation, but the short version is I hadn’t written any fiction since 2019, I set a goal to write at least 150 words/day in 2024, and this list was my way to restart. Also I abruptly decided on day 2 I would write an entire Tim/Damian story connecting all the prompts, because I am Good at Judging My Limits. /sarcasm Anyway, I finished the rough draft a while ago and am now unlocking the old entries as I edit.

Read from the beginning here, or on ao3 here.

Day 88 here

***

87. "Yeah, but they don’t fuck you the way you deserved to be fucked, do they?”

***

With Katarina’s help, the investigation began to pick up speed so rapidly that Tim considered asking to be removed from the patrol rotation until they could wrap up at least part of it. It turned out that having cast Damian as yet another customer with more money than sense had been the right move, since now she could text him with the code phrase they'd agreed upon to ask for a meeting, and he could in turn arrange for a “date.” Of course, Damian insisted on them meeting at locations he chose as often as possible, under the guise of wanting watchers to make connections between himself and a mysterious blonde to enhance his reputation. So that meant Tim had the pleasure of getting to watch every moment between them on surveillance.

It was no big deal. The part where it felt like he had acid in his veins every time Damian touched her was insignificant at worst. Being jealous at all was nonsensical considering he knew Damian didn't mean any of it.

“I can watch this if you don't want to,” Jason offered one early morning.

Tim started and checked his expression in the reflection on the screen. Polite disinterest, just as he'd intended. “Why would I not want to?” he asked when he was sure it would come out casually. 

Jason shrugged. “I don't know, guess I thought it might be weird for you considering. But if you don't care then I don't either. It's not like what they're saying is sexy, regardless of what it looks like.”

Tim made a sort of waving motion with his hand that Jason must have interpreted as insouciance, because he dropped it and kept cleaning his guns while they listened in.

"Falcone is going to be there the next time they move a shipment to a redistribution facility," Katarina subvocalized, before letting loose with a melodic laugh that sounded like a descending scale and play-slapping Damian's wrist. In a louder tone, she remonstrated, "You know I can't live with you! I've got other commitments." On the screen, Damian's eyes shifted almost imperceptibly to the side, where Tim had also noted the well-dressed men who had just been seated near them and were sitting in silence.

"Yeah, but they don’t fuck you the way you deserved to be fucked, do they?” With a slight, cruel twist to his mouth, he reached for the hair at the back of her neck and yanked her head back to look him in the eye—or at least that was what it looked like. From the camera's vantage point, Tim could see that she directed the movement and Damian's grip was loose in the golden strands wound through his fingers.

A sudden stinging pain in his thighs was Tim's first clue he was digging his nails into his skin.

He hid his struggle well enough that Damian had no clue, or at least he assumed Damian didn't since he didn't prod Tim into a fight about it. But every time Damian returned from a "date" and hugged him before he showered, and Tim got a faceful of Lancôme Climat, he had to lecture himself about the stupidity of his reaction until Damian emerged damp and scented like his own soap. The lectures didn't help. Getting fucked by Damian on the regular didn't help. He wanted to peel his own skin off if it would make it stop crawling every time he saw Damian with her.

So when Stephanie invited him to go to lunch with her at Chez Vous the same Saturday Damian had scheduled yet another meeting with Katarina, Tim seized onto the opportunity to escape with unseemly gratitude.

"You're paying, right?" she asked at the door, to which he snorted in derision.

"Who do you think you're dealing with, here?"

They both ordered the duck and frites lunch platter, but before Stephanie could launch into whatever conversational topic she'd prepared as a way to ease into her real priority, Tim took the lead. "So . . . you haven't been on patrol much lately. Is the CBI looking to change your assignment?"

Stephanie sighed. "Goddammit, that was supposed to take twenty minutes for me to work up to." Tim smirked, and she rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, you're a genius, no one's surprised. Don't bother laying out how you deduced it, 'cause I don't care."

Tim grinned. "Do you care where they're gonna put you undercover?"

"Shut up, I hate you," she complained, but she laughed when she said it.

She was ten minutes into explaining how she was going to be infiltrating a Quebec-based smuggling ring in Boston when every muscle in her body went rigid. Her face didn't shift at all, though, keeping its relaxed smile, so Tim took care not to change his posture.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I'm so sorry. I swear I didn't know," she murmured. "Brace yourself for incoming ex."

Tim shut his eyes in resignation just as he heard a deeply familiar voice drawl behind him, "Hey, strangers!" He spun around in his seat, all surprise, to see Bernard Dowd standing there in full chef regalia.

day 92 here

[theinkchild]

alright fine, making a silly post here since im dissapointed in engagment lol.

text ahoy ahead, for those of you who have forgotten what GD rambling looks like, since my blog postings are more and more rare these days...

and no. i refuse to use a readmore. this post should be shortened automatically for those on the dash, mobile, whatever. if not, SCREW it. i only have a few mins. one shot to ramble and i refuse to edit. will just spill my guts. BLEGH.

🔥🔥🔥 final warning long emotional post entry start 🔥🔥🔥

well to start off, yea i've been "on a break" since May. by break, i wanna define it as, changing my routine, doing something good for me that will benefit me, reflecting back on the stuff i did when i wasn't on it.

"a break" doesn't really matter here. i've been disegnaged. it's really hard for me to interact on here when i've treated this place like a grey area. it's the same for many places that don't feel like they're benefitting my growth atm. this place STILL holds alot of meaning to me, for being the 2nd platform i took root in, and started friendships (or also rather continued them) on.

i slowed down once i realized how the familiar craziness sunk too deep with me, and I've regretted some attitudes i've had in the past where i'd scream maniacally at nothing to earn not much back. like, i wasn't really getting it. and at the same time, i refused to do what i should have to make it more possible.

this time really mattered.

the growth i experienced while i was disengaged from here was quite a bit. i feel like i regained a part of me i always had latent, and didn't when i was with the wrong crowd, doing the same meaningless things day in and out.

when i was engaged in conversations that had more meaning, something back to give rather than a shallow laugh, everything started to click.

when i hung out with a different crowd not formed primarily by the friends i made here, i felt like i couldn't break away, but in a sense i saw something that i missed having... i saw the same journey i was taking but from more experienced folks.

when it came to a breaking point recently when someone deeply rooted in that community fell off, i took charge. i wanted to END the torment he casually brought to everyone. i ended up doing just that, and leaving everyone in that community with the best outcome.

NOW, i say this on my silly little blog cuz i doubt anyone in either group is listening. the chances are non zero, but i'm honestly happy if at least one person is listening, even if it's a stranger, or quiet long time fan of mine. i've been so disengaged here that i'm really just writing this for myself, like i always have been.

this place, where i feel like i lost some folks and may have even outright refused to make or advance any friendships just cuz i rejected plain invites to do so.. i could've done anything...

instead, i ended up sticking up for someone who needed it the most. everything just lined up for the both of us. all the STUPID drama from stupid misunderstandings, the grievances, the small issues, that all added up to the moment we had to do the right thing. all because even if the world gave up on us, we somehow didn't give up, even if both of us had to be repeatidly brought back to reality when we almost both ended ours on separate instances.

we helped eachother with the little freedom we had left.

we ENDED something that had to be ended and gave everyone the full happiness they deserved for all those years they didn't have it.

that, as insignificant as it is to literally 99% of the population, and fuck it, who the fuck cares if you were my old friend who hardly cared. idk bro. kindly fuck off if you are. i'm still somehow following you ._.

but, it's very very significant to me and all the friends i still regularly interact with. they mean the world to me, and i'm happy THEY saw me grow.

i will continue. to keep doing what i do best.

and i refuse to die or back down or abandon my blog, despite all the grievances i had in the past with it.

i'm just making a deeper mark on this world the more i prove i exist and continue to be a survivor.

even if my self esteem is bad on some days. even if my will isn't even as strong as a worm left to fry on asphalt.

i refuse to go on quietly.

and i'm stronger now because i refuse to be as bad as the people who treated me far worse. i finally gained some sense and standards.

and if you don't think that's crazy, then idk man enjoy your life. i'm gonna keep continue living mine lol

[bookwyrminspiration]

i'll sound completely insane if i explain to anyone irl how fucking fandom drama is making me feel, but i also can't exactly talk to people in the fandom about it. i feel like i've lost friends with all of this and i feel like one of the only things that has been consistent in my life for a while is falling to pieces and i don't know what to do or how to deal with any of these emotions. this is such a completely unrelatable problem, if i could even call it a problem in the first place.

You absolutely can call it a problem. Just because it's fandom drama doesn't mean it's insignificant or doesn't have an impact on us. This is a space a lot of us spend significant time in, that matters to us--so when discourse and drama happens, we react. That's entirely reasonable and normal.

It's hard to deal with, especially when you're also beating yourself up for feeling this way because they're "just online friends" or it's "just fandom drama" or similar. These are real relationships we've built that are being strained, tested, or broken. This is a constant, a comfort that's being challenged and changed, and its uglier sides revealed that we can't unknown and have to grapple with.

There's no one right thing to do. Though I would encourage if it's a significant source of stress to take a breather. Give yourself a day to focus on something else--watch a fun movie, funny cat videos, read a book you loved as a kid, go outside if you can, talk to someone about something else.

I am absolutely not immune to getting super worked up and invested. I've kept my cool better this time around that I have in the past, but don't let that fool you. The IG vs Keepblr drama we had a while back practically consumed me, and I was getting frustrated even with people I considered solid friends because I felt like they were making things worse. I was anxious, only thinking about it despite having homework/other responsibilities, and it felt catastrophic. What was going to happen? And who was I going to tell? No one irl knows about my fandom presence, and I was annoyed with both sides of the fandom, so who would I talk to about it there??

Part of how I got through that was taking those breathers. It put me in a better state to process and deal with it. I was less of a mess, had more patience/energy, and could be better composed in my posts/approaches--which in turned help keep me from escalating anything.

Of course that's just something I do to help myself with drama and discourse. It can absolutely be important to you, but having other important things/things outside of that makes it easier.

And this is not to lecture you, just me sharing my experience since you said you didn't know how to deal. If you or anyone else would like to talk to me about it (not that you have to), anons are always on and my DMs are open <3

[thecrankiestofgremlins]

Some of these are very important and very necessary. But I find it very hard to care about the average demographic of a President's judicial appointments when that same President is actively funding a genocide in Palestine, putting in some seriously horrific border legislation, accelerating the militaristion of the police, viciously cracking down on protests against the above, and perfomatively jumping up and down about abortion rights while using none of his not inconsiderable power to do anything concrete about the issue (don't whine at me about the House Republicans, he's the President of the United States, he is absolutely capable of doing more about the issue than just posting on social media about it). There is a not insignificant part of my brain that looks at the political situation in the US and compares it to The Clone Wars: one of the best paths to unchecked power is to create and/or take advantage of cartoonish yet very very real and dangerous distraction that has to be dealt with and gather more and more power in the course of "dealing" with it.

At the same time, I'm instinctively very much *not* a fan of people telling others not to vote. Just voting is nowhere near enough, not even close, but I vehemently disagree with the suggestion that you should give up any shred of agency if you can possibly avoid it, no matter how small. And I don't really consider choosing not to vote as an exercise of agency. I understand the whole "the only way to win is not to play" sentiment, but unfortunately the game isn't optional because you *live* in that game. All you're doing by not voting imo is handing your playing piece to someone else who *will* actively play: you make other people's votes more impactful.

That said, the thought of voting for a man who one day acknowledges that Israel is committing genocide and the next proposes to send them $1bn would make me physically sick. I can't vote in the US, and in the UK the Greens are actually an option, so I'm not stuck with a binary choice. I genuinely don't know what I would do if I were stuck with that set of facts.

The presidential election is not, however, the only one coming up in November. The local elections and the federal congressional elections are arguably more important than the presidential one (remember: the Republicans managed to execute REDMAP under Obama which gave them the foundation for the level of control they currently have). They're absolutely fucking vital. I might not have a good answer for what to do with the presidential section of the ballot (aside from don't vote Trump, obviously: Count Dooku is in fact a bad guy) but you sure as hell should keep an eye on and vote in those.

TL;DR it's 2024, a lot of countries have very very consequential elections this year, a lot of them just as fraught as the American one. There are way too many Sophie's Choices but refusing to choose means others will choose for you. The world is smouldering and about to be on fire and I don't think we can avoid that but there is a difference between left with burned out buildings and being left with absolutely nothing but ashes.

Things Biden and the Democrats did, this week #16

April 26-May 3 2024

President Biden announced $3 billion to help replace lead pipes in the drinking water system. Millions of Americans get their drinking water through lead pipes, which are toxic, no level of lead exposure is safe. This problem disproportionately affects people of color and low income communities. This first investment of a planned $15 billion will replace 1.7 million lead pipe lines. The Biden Administration plans to replace all lead pipes in the country by the end of the decade.

President Biden canceled the student debt of 317,000 former students of a fraudulent for-profit college system. The Art Institutes was a for-profit system of dozens of schools offering degrees in video-game design and other arts. After years of legal troubles around misleading students and falsifying data the last AI schools closed abruptly without warning in September last year. This adds to the $29 billion in debt for 1.7 borrowers who wee mislead and defrauded by their schools which the Biden Administration has done, and a total debt relief for 4.6 million borrowers so far under Biden.

President Biden expanded two California national monuments protecting thousands of acres of land. The two national monuments are the San Gabriel Mountains National Monument and the Berryessa Snow Mountain National Monument, which are being expanded by 120,000 acres. The new protections cover lands of cultural and religious importance to a number of California based native communities. This expansion was first proposed by then Senator Kamala Harris in 2018 as part of a wide ranging plan to expand and protect public land in California. This expansion is part of the Administration's goals to protect, conserve, and restore at least 30 percent of U.S. lands and waters by 2030.

The Department of Transportation announced new rules that will require car manufacturers to install automatic braking systems in new cars. Starting in 2029 all new cars will be required to have systems to detect pedestrians and automatically apply the breaks in an emergency. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration projects this new rule will save 360 lives every year and prevent at least 24,000 injuries annually.

The IRS announced plans to ramp up audits on the wealthiest Americans. The IRS plans on increasing its audit rate on taxpayers who make over $10 million a year. After decades of Republicans in Congress cutting IRS funding to protect wealthy tax cheats the Biden Administration passed $80 billion for tougher enforcement on the wealthy. The IRS has been able to collect just in one year $500 Million in undisputed but unpaid back taxes from wealthy households, and shows a rise of $31 billion from audits in the 2023 tax year. The IRS also announced its free direct file pilot program was a smashing success. The program allowed tax payers across 12 states to file directly for free with the IRS over the internet. The IRS announced that 140,000 tax payers were able to use it over their target of 100,000, they estimated it saved $5.6 million in tax prep fees, over 90% of users were happy with the webpage and reported it quicker and easier than companies like H&R Block. the IRS plans to bring direct file nationwide next year.

The Department of Interior announced plans for new off shore wind power. The two new sites, off the coast of Oregon and in the Gulf of Maine, would together generate 18 gigawatts of totally clean energy, enough to power 6 million homes.

The Biden Administration announced new rules to finally allow DACA recipients to be covered by Obamacare. Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) is an Obama era policy that allows people brought to the United States as children without legal status to remain and to legally work. However for years DACA recipients have not been able to get health coverage through the Obamacare Health Care Marketplace. This rule change will bring health coverage to at least 100,000 uninsured people.

The Department of Health and Human Services finalized rules that require LGBTQ+ and Intersex minors in the foster care system be placed in supportive and affirming homes.

The Senate confirmed Georgia Alexakis to a life time federal judgeship in Illinois. This brings the total number of federal judges appointed by President Biden to 194. For the first time in history the majority of a President's nominees to the federal bench have not been white men.

[kalisbaby]

I'm gonna say this right quick, I am beyond tired and exhausted from the near constant jokes that happen each and every time there's a natural disaster anywhere in America. Like I get it, we can get used to some things because they come and go and, at a certain point, it begins to feel like over-caution to something that could be so tiny, so insignificant. But, here's the thing, what's small to you is major to someone else.

Oh you always get flood warnings and they don't matter because you don't get flooded? Good for you! But THOUSANDS of others DO get flooded and it's not a joke to them when they're fighting rising, dirty water and the possibility of losing EVERYTHING including their lives.

2016, I believe, was the first time that the flood warnings actually hit our neighborhood. The area I live in used to never flood. Nut I would take those warnings seriously cuz there were places that I would go that COULD have flooded. But when I saw my street filled with water, when I saw the water nearly reach my front door, even I understand, perhaps for the first time in my then 30 years of living in this area, how quick I came to losing everything and, worse, how unprepared I was for all of it. But the worst part of it all, was knowing that for someone, somewhere in this city, it was all a joke. A quick meme. A laugh.

It's like when COVID first hit the states and there were jokes galore and even my sisters were clowning ME for not finding it funny. Then people started dying. People we KNEW. And suddenly everyone understood why wasn't shit funny.

I'm saying all of that to say this: grow up. Start taking things seriously. I don't give a fuck about your so-called "coping mechanisms." Grow the hell up and start seeing and handling things with maturity. Just because something might not affect you doesn't mean it's insignificant. Likewise, just because you're used to a certain type of disaster doesn't mean that it won't surprise you. I never thought my city would flood like it did in 2016. I never thought cities up in my area would flood like they've been doing in the past 8 years or so, but they have. People have died, homes have been lost, people have been misplaced, tragedy has occurred time and time again. Face that.

There's nothing wrong with searching for joy during trying times. That's understandable and even encouraged. But if your so-called "joy" is diminishing the seriousness of an issue, then you need to rethink some things. It's okay to take serious shit seriously. It's okay to grow the hell up. In fact I encourage, damn near BEG you to grow the hell up. Because I cannot take another joke, another meme, another giggle while people are distraught and dying. I just can't.

[jazlynriddle]

Welcome to your life - Pt 2:

Acting On Your Best Behaviour Ch 7:

Summary:

They'd seen it in their fellow orphans often enough to recognise the pattern and were now forced to admit, despite their hopes to the contrary, that Isidora had likely suffered similar side effects.

No… they'd always known she had. The Keeper had just wanted the power that Ranrok had, enough to convince themselves that they would be able to handle it better than that naive woman.

With the start of the Keeper’s sixth-year in Hogwarts, comes a whole slew of headache-inducing challenges from the most unexpected of places. Between insignificant pests throwing wrenches into their plans and tedious teenage drama, that the Keeper is entirely unprepared for, they wonder if they'll make it to their NEWTs without losing their sanity.

Or worse, Ominis or Sebastian.

Warnings: Sebastian x MC x Ominis! Drug Addiction! Spoilers! Slow-burn corruption! Dark content! Fucked up 1800s orphanages! MC has no love for Anne or Solomon! Dubious happy ending (it's happy for MC, Seb and Ominis at least).

You can also read on AO3! (chapter specific warnings below)

Notes:

Warnings: Drama!

Somehow this chapter ended up being very long, I deliberated for a very long time as to whether I wanted to crop it down to 2000+ words or put it up as a chapter with 5000+ words.

I ended up deciding to put them into one chapter even though there’s a decent time gap between the 2nd and 3rd sections and it feels like a good point to split it into another chapter. Welp, I suppose too long beats too short, right? xD

And with a long chapter, comes an equally long set of notes at the end ha ha ha, I'm sorry-

"That's terrible… are you sure they're alright?" Poppy asked anxiously and Natty rushed to console her as they walked together towards their first class.

"Yes, they didn't look too worse for wear when we parted ways yesterday." Natty placed a hand on Poppy's shoulder supportively.

"I wonder why they didn't tell us…" Poppy sighed, shaking her head dejectedly.

Natty could understand why Poppy would be upset that her crush hadn't been honest with her. "They apologised for involving me when I found out, I'm sure they just didn't want to endanger you."

Poppy's face flushed slightly but she quickly shook her head. "That's the last thing they should be worried about, we've been through so much together… we have to help them."

Natty nodded thoughtfully. "Agreed, I'm thinking of recruiting some of their friends to help us too, like Amit, I know he’s been going out with them in the evenings to search for Astronomy tables."

Poppy hummed. "What about Ominis and Sebastian?"

Natty blinked. "Gaunt? I mean, I know our friend is quite close to Sallow but…"

"Well, they seem to be spending more time with Ominis too near the end of last term, I've noticed them helping him in class sometimes." Poppy shrugged.

"I thought they were just being nice since he's…" Natty trailed off awkwardly.

"Well, you haven't been here very long, so you probably don't know, but Ominis doesn't seem to really need much help despite not being able to see." Poppy explained.

"That's even worse, isn't it?" Natty shook her head. "I'm not sure it's a good idea, I think he's interested in Dark Magic."

"Where'd you hear that?" Poppy smiled wryly. "Besides, I don't think our friend is a stranger to dark arts, they are in Slytherin after all."

"I gathered as much, but I hope they don't dabble too much in such things." Natty grimaced but nodded concedingly. "I suppose it's worth seeing if they want to help, since he and Sallow are in the same house as our friend."

Natty paused. That’s right, Sallow and Gaunt were from Slytherin too.

Surely, there was no way the two boys hadn’t noticed the Keeper being stalked and attacked by their own housemates. If they knew about it, why had they done nothing to stop it? How could they stand by and do nothing as their friend was being hurt?

Her Gryffindor housemates had warned Natty about the dangers of being friends with Slytherins when she’d taken up a friendship with the Keeper, how most of the Slytherin students were cold, selfish, proud, and callous. She’d brushed off their warnings, even after Imelda Reyes had laughed when Natty fell off her broom the first time she’d tried flying.

After all, the Keeper was a great friend and one of the bravest people she’d ever known.

Yet what reason could there be for both the Keeper’s Slytherin friends to not go to their aid in their time of need? Why would both Sallow and Gaunt not tell their head of house about what was going on?

Her mother had warned her about the bigotry of the Noble families of Britian. With the Gaunts, Blacks and Malfoys being the most crucial names to avoid as much as possible. Powerful and dangerous, those ancient houses were known to meddle with dark magic.

Natty had previously felt that the Keeper’s other friends were none of her business unless they were hanging out together, but perhaps she should rescind that mentality for this battle. She needed to know who she could trust to be on the Keeper’s side. If those boys couldn’t be trusted with her friend’s safety, that was now something she needed to be sure of.

"I was thinking we could drop by the dorm to check on them after a quick bite." Sebastian suggested, as he and Ominis made their way to the great hall for lunch.

"Yes, that's a fine idea. I'm just glad they were amenable to the idea of taking today off." Ominis agreed, a soft smile on his face.

"Feels like they're really relying on us more." Sebastian grinned proudly.

"Indeed, we have to find a way to help them…" Ominis nodded resolutely. "This can't go on for much longer."

"Yeah." Sebastian sighed, as wonderful as it was to have more of the Keeper's trust than they'd ever had, the circumstances surrounding their newfound softness were not remotely ideal.

Sebastian hummed thoughtfully before suggesting. "Maybe we can try to disable those idiots long enough for them to get to the Undercroft."

"I feel like we would need too much coordination for something like that…" Ominis shook his head. "We'd need to make sure neither of them are found, nor can we afford to give them any evidence that we attacked them."

"Blast those buffoons, how do two simpletons with the IQ of a Troll manage to be such a pain in the arse?" Sebastian muttered in frustration, running a hand through his hair roughly.

He felt Ominis' steps slow beside him and Sebastian paused as his partner spoke. "Oh, hello. Onai, right? Can we help you?"

Natty shivered uncomfortably when Ominis stopped to address her without even turning to face her. She knew that looking at her would be entirely unnecessary and impossible for him, but it was still an unsettling experience. How did he recognise her?

"I was wondering if the two of you might be interested in working together with Poppy, Amit and I to help our mutual friend." Natty asked as calmly and evenly as she could, deciding to just take a direct approach instead of dancing around the subject.

To her surprise, the two boys seemed to regard her warily. Which made her even more suspicious of them, why would they react that way unless they had something to hide?

"Help? What with?" Ominis asked airily.

"I'm sure as housemates, the two of you must be aware that they haven't been very well lately." Natty replied, frowning.

"Of course, we have." Sebastian raised an eyebrow and folded his arms while Ominis leaned against the wall behind him, rolling his wand in his hands.

"And neither of you tried to figure out what was going on?" Natty's lips tightened, voicing the thought that had been bothering her ever since her chat with Poppy. "I thought you two were friends with them."

Sebastian immediately stiffened with indignation at the accusatory tone in her voice, but before he could speak, Ominis laughed coldly. "As opposed to what Onai? You who did the same and are now taking out your frustration at your own shortcomings on others?"

"I was being courteous towards them and respecting their silence, but I cannot see how either of you could have missed the fact that they were being bullied by upperclassmen from your house." Natty straightened defensively.

"Did you not consider that we already knew about what was going on?" Ominis tipped his head with a tight smile.

Natty bristled, glaring at the Slytherin, his unfocused gaze felt cold and uncaring. What kind of friend was he!?

"And neither of you did anything!?" Natty exclaimed, even more furious, was he stupid? Pointing that out wasn’t making himself or Sallow look any better. Weren't they friends with the Keeper? Did they not care? She'd never felt so appalled and frustrated, she was starting to see what her housemates had been warning her about.

"Like what? Get mad at anyone who isn't visibly doing something about it?" Sebastian scoffed.

"Like tell a professor about it before it got this bad." Natty shot back, before my mother got caught up in this too, her temper rising by the moment. To think, she'd thought Imelda Reyes bad, but these boys were breaking all her high scores.

"If you want to believe that you're the only one who doesn't have the option of tattling to an authority figure, so be it." Ominis huffed. "Frankly, I couldn't care less. We neither have the time nor interest in helping you assuage your own feelings of powerlessness."

Ominis pushed himself off the wall, straightening and smoothening out his robes. "Now, if that's all you wanted, I believe we are done here."

Natty stared at him for a moment, stunned by his blunt words and scathing tone. She glanced at Sebastian, taking in his equally hostile expression. Honestly, she'd thought better of Sallow, he was cocky and aloof, but he'd also had a reputation for being a brave mischief maker as well. Guess he was in Slytherin too for a reason.

"Fine, I knew I couldn't trust a Gaunt." Natty spat before turning to storm off towards the great hall.

Sebastian bristled as she quickly faded from sight. "The nerve of that-"

He cut himself off, clenching his teeth to reign in his anger, his partner came first. After taking a steadying breath, Sebastian turned back to Ominis, brushing the back of his knuckles against his pale cheek. "Hey, you alright?"

"Of course, I am. If I had a knut every time someone judged me for my lineage, I'd be able to afford a new set of robes every day." Ominis huffed sardonically.

"You know we don't though, right?" Sebastian asked softly, taking a step closer. "I've never cared about that and neither have they."

Ominis' ears turned red as he felt Sebastian's lips against his cheek. "Yes, I do know."

"Good." Sebastian grinned, enjoying the rare sight of the blind boy flustered.

Hearing the smile in Sebastian's voice, Ominis rolled his eyes. "Alright, let's go, if we don't hurry, we won't have time to visit the dorm."

"Yeah, we need to come up with a solution for them." Sebastian agreed, sobering quickly and Ominis' brow creased, his thoughts returning to their resting partner as the two began making their way to the great hall as well.

"You're supposed to be resting." Ominis sighed as he and Sebastian entered the common room.

"I am resting." The Keeper chuckled, lifting their eyes from the tome in their lap, shifting slightly so that Sebastian could sit down on the couch beside them while Ominis sat on the opposite side.

"And here I thought we'd get to play out the idyllic troupe of feeding you in bed." Sebastian sighed dramatically as he placed a small package of food on the table.

"Why either of you consider reading as resting is beyond me." Ominis shook his head.

“It’s really not as hard as it sounds.” Sebastian chuckled as Ominis raised an eyebrow sceptically.

“Really. I believe our classmates beg to differ.” Ominis rolled his eyes, before his eyes narrowed with concern. "How are you feeling?"

"Perfectly well, not a bruise in sight." The Keeper replied, trying to inject some liveliness into their voice.

From both their expressions, it didn't seem to have worked very well. The Keeper sighed. "I am improved but besides my injuries, my condition remains unchanged."

"I see… try not to worry too much and focus on conserving your strength. Sebastian and I will think of a solution." Ominis smiled reassuringly.

"Thank you, both of you." The Keeper smiled, their chest filled with warmth, before they flashed a smirk. "But don't expect me to sit back and let the two of you deal with them alone. I'm not out of the game yet."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Sebastian grinned, while Ominis shook his head helplessly with a resigned smile. "Speaking of plans, Natsai Onai approached us just a while ago."

The Keeper blinked. "She did? Whatever for?"

"Apparently she wanted to know why we weren't helping you with the bullies since we're housemates." Ominis rolled his eyes, looking annoyed. "Practically accused us of being friends of poor taste."

"And it sounds like Onai told Amit and Poppy what you told her as well." Sebastian grimaced.

"Right blabbermouth that one, rude too." Ominis muttered irritably. "Does she not know the meaning of respecting others' privacy?"

The Keeper winced, well, they should probably have seen that coming. Natty was a very direct, brash, and open person, with strong opinions and a stronger sense of justice. Completely in conflict with the more careful and calculative way that Slytherins approached problems.

She must have misunderstood Sebastian and Ominis' cautious behaviour, as well as the Slytherin tendency to hide their emotions until trust has been earned, mistaking it as a lack of compassion.

"Don't pay her any mind, Natty's just really passionate and devoted to any cause she takes up. I suppose this has become one of her causes." The Keeper sighed. "I'll talk to her. At the very least, I know Amit and Poppy can keep secrets."

Sebastian and Ominis didn't look very assuaged but nodded in acceptance. The Keeper rubbed a hand over their forehead tiredly.

Exactly what they needed, more complications.

"Hey, Natty, are you alright?" Poppy asked, looking concerned as she snapped Natty out of her thoughts.

"Huh? Ah, yes, I am, you needn't worry Poppy." Natty gave her a strained smile. From Poppy's expression, it hadn't been very convincing, she sighed.

Natty was trying hard not to show it, but she couldn't forget what Gaunt had said. Was she doing the same thing? Choosing to let her friend remain at the mercy of those bullies rather than endanger herself and her loved ones.

Was her anger at Gaunt and Sallow just a misdirect of her own frustration at essentially being disarmed and out of the fight because those bullies had found out her secret? Was she more angry at them for their inaction because that inaction made them bad friends or because she wouldn’t be in this situation if they had resolved it before it reached her?

Was she just feeling guilty that she wasn't as fearless and brave as she'd always believed? That she couldn't be as courageous as her father anymore? She knew that he was a man who would fight for people who couldn't protect themselves, but would he have risked his own family for it?

More than ever, Natty wished he were still alive, that she could ask him these questions. She even wished she could ask her mother for advice, but she knew that her mother might decide to move to another country rather than face this danger. To her mother, family was a righteous cause.

What was the right thing to do? Stay to fight, risk her loved ones, or flee? The only option that didn't feel like running away was the one that risked her and her mother's freedom. Every choice came with guilt, how was she to choose?

This spiral of thoughts had cost Natty a restful night and she'd woken up feeling no surer than before. She sighed, with answers eluding her, all she could do was focus on doing her best to help her friend.

Natty took a deep breath to brace herself as she and Poppy stepped into the Three Broomsticks. The familiar hum of groups of students and Hogsmeade residents chatting casually, over a delicious mug of butterbeer and snacks, filled the pub.

She glanced around, before spotting the Keeper sitting in the corner where the portrait of Ferdinand once hung. She wasn't sure what exactly happened to the snooty prick but if the rumours were to be believed, it was the Keeper who was to thank for the students' reprieve.

"How are you feeling?" Poppy immediately asked, her expression deeply concerned. The Keeper was looking more exhausted than even Natty had expected.

"Don't look so worried, Poppy. I'm not going to keel over anytime soon." The Keeper chuckled wryly.

"She wouldn't be worried if you didn't look like you were actually about to keel over." Natty shook her head. "What have those bullies been doing?"

"Let's just say they've been making it hard for me to sleep." The Keeper replied evasively, and Natty felt a spike of concern.

What could the bullies be doing that could keep their friend up at night, to the extent that they would look this drained? The fact that it was something the Keeper didn't want to share was extremely concerning, but Natty felt like it would be worse of her to try and force the Keeper to talk about something so clearly distressing.

A glance at Poppy confirmed that she felt the same and they silently agreed to refrain from pressing the Keeper on the subject. She and Poppy instead took a seat, while Sirona sat down a towel she was holding and strolled over.

"Hello there, what can I get you?" Sirona smiled warmly as she stopped by the table.

"Four butterbeers, please." Natty replied with an answering smile, and Sirona flicked her wand to send four mugs to the barrel to begin filling.

"Are you alright there, my friend?" Sirona asked, her brows furrowed in concern as she gazed at the Keeper. "You look like you need a good night's sleep."

"I do, but I'll be fine, thank you for your concern, Sirona." The Keeper nodded politely.

Sirona sighed. "Do take care of yourself, I know you've been running around solving everyone's problems since the day you got here, but you shouldn't neglect your own health."

"I'll do my best." The Keeper flashed a wry smile as Sirona began to engage in pleasant conversation with Natty and even Poppy.

Honestly, the Keeper liked Sirona, a lot. The barkeeper had incredible charisma and an enviable ability to put people at ease.

Well, most people. The Keeper was honestly just unaccustomed to the type of goodness that Sirona carried around with her. She wasn't naïve like Natty, and she hadn't been cowed by her struggles and become reclusive like Poppy.

In a way, Sirona was exactly what everyone wanted to become as adults. Someone confident in the path they had chosen, proud and strong but not cruel or arrogant. Someone who was well loved and could stand up for people they barely knew.

Someone… unlike the person the Keeper knew they were likely to become. They already knew that the path they’d been set upon did not conform to societal norms, and they were content with that knowledge. The way the Keeper "helped" others was similar in appearance yet in stark contrast to Sirona's selfless generosity. A parallel of actions stemming from differing motivations.

The Keeper had never really understood why they felt uncomfortable around Sirona, but now, they could see why they felt stiff around her despite their fondness for her. It was the fact that the Keeper should want to emulate Sirona like their peers, but they didn't. As the mugs of butterbeer sailed over to their table, the Keeper shook these thoughts from their mind.

"Thank you, Sirona." The Keeper nodded as they accepted a mug.

"My pleasure, do let me know if you need anything else." Sirona gave them another warm smile before leaving the table.

A few moments later, the doors opened for Amit and Garreth to enter.

"Ah, sorry for being a bit late!" Amit apologised, as he shuffled over, looking slightly dishevelled and frazzled.

"Yeah, sorry, I just needed to grab something on the way." Garreth chimed in, as the two of them took a seat as well. He leaned back slightly and called out. “Hey, Sirona! Could I have a butterbeer?”

By the bar counter, Sirona glanced over at their table and gave Garreth a nod, flicking her wand and sending another butterbeer floating over to him with a relaxed. “Enjoy!”

With a grin, Garreth plucked the mug from the air and turned back to the group. "Alright, how are we gonna nail those bullies?"

Poppy blinked at Garreth in confusion while Natty raised an eyebrow at Amit. "You told Garreth?"

"What? No, I didn't, I thought you two told him." Amit now looked twice as confused as Poppy.

"Well, I didn't…" Poppy glanced at Natty, who also shook her head.

"Ah yes, now here's the thing." Garreth grinned impishly, propping an elbow on the table with a flourish. "Unbeknownst to the three of you, I happened to be disillusioned under a nearby table whilst my housemate explained the situation to dear Amit here and inadvertently heard the whole tale."

Garreth brushed his wavy locks aside dramatically. "Which is most certainly a stroke of good fortune for the lot of you, as I doubt there is a mischief maker quite as prolific as I."

He paused for a moment, before reluctantly adding. "Save perhaps Sebastian Sallow."

The long moment of silence was broken by the Keeper's snort of amusement. "Well, I can't say he's wrong, at least not about the mischief making."

"Why were you hiding under the table?" Poppy asked in bemusement.

“Well-” Garreth opened his mouth eagerly but was interrupted by Natty. "Please don't, trust me Poppy, it's not worth it and we don’t have all day."

"Oh, come on-" Garreth grumbled as Natty continued.

"I think we should confront them. We outnumber them and if we present a united front, maybe those bullies will think twice about attacking one of us." Natty suggested, her fist tightening with resolve.

"Maybe we can-" Garreth began, when he was abruptly cut off.

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea…" Amit shifted nervously. "The element of surprise is with us right now, maybe we could just escort our friend around till the bullies graduate?"

"Or we could-" Garreth tried again.

Poppy shook her head vehemently. "We can't always be with them, especially at night, the bullies have even been disrupting their sleep. This can't continue!"

The group glanced at the Keeper in unison and the Keeper had to make a concerted effort to avoid scowling at the blatant pity in the group's eyes.

"Well-" Garreth opened his mouth.

"I say we fight back and give them a taste of what it's like to be hunted. Make those bullies understand that we aren't afraid of hurting them either." Poppy's eyes were dark as she said this, making Natty, Amit and Garreth stare at her in shock.

"While I agree that we should do something, let's try not to sink to their level." Natty laughed awkwardly, patting Poppy on the shoulder. If there was anyone she'd expected such a vicious suggestion from, it was the Keeper, not Poppy!

"I already gave them a good beating, all that did was ensure that they try to catch me off guard from a safe distance." The Keeper shrugged.

"Somehow I'm not surprised." Poppy smiled and Natty wondered what it said about herself, that her two close friends were perfectly capable of ruthless violence.

"Maybe we can frame the bullies for a serious crime? Or just bait them into committing one?" Amit suggested thoughtfully.

"How about-" Garreth made another attempt but was cut off again by Natty.

"I'd rather not frame them, but we could try to get evidence about what they've done…" Natty nodded.

"Maybe they have recorded some of their actions?" Poppy tapped her chin in thought. "Like in a diary?"

"Guys-"

"They do keep diaries, I believe." The Keeper nodded, thinking of a way to explain their knowledge without revealing that Sebastian had stolen them once. "I've seen one of them scribble in what looked like a journal once."

"Hey-"

"That might work, we'd just need a way to keep the bullies distracted while our friend here masterfully sneaks into the seventh-year dorm and steals the diaries!" Amit agreed, slapping the Keeper on the back.

"Sure." The Keeper chuckled, mildly amused by the way everyone had universally decided to ignore Garreth.

"Let me just-"

Poppy frowned. "How would we keep the bullies' attention though? I doubt we can get them to stop following-"

"Guys!" Garreth finally lost it and stood, slamming two vials down in the centre of the table.

The pub went silent as everyone, including other students and customers, turned to stare at Garreth who was now frozen like a mooncalf.

Grimacing at the amount of attention Garreth had just drawn, the Keeper raised their voice, injecting a casual boredom into it. "No Garreth, for the last time, we're not going to let you test your potions on us. I heard that Sebastian almost lost all his hair after taking one of your potions."

The rest of the pub laughed as Garreth sat back down looking sheepish and the attention gradually drifted away from their table once more.

"Well done, Garreth." The Keeper chuckled.

Garreth rolled his eyes, cleared his throat, and gestured at the two vials. "Anyway, we can use these to distract the bullies."

"Is that-" Amit gasped, looking at the thick brown liquid inside the vials.

"Polyjuice potion!" Garreth grinned triumphantly, shaking his head while clicking his tongue. "I told you, you guys are lucky I'm here, and you wouldn't even listen to a word I had to say."

The Keeper shrugged. "It was funny."

"How rude." Garreth scoffed in mock offence.

Natty stared at the vials dubiously. "Did you make these yourself?"

"Of course!" Garreth tipped his chin up proudly.

"Why do you even have Polyjuice potion on you?" Poppy asked, sounding bewildered.

"Why, you never know when you might need to transform into a teacher or prefect to escape a sticky situation or acquire something." Garreth replied, as though it were perfectly normal to carry around vials of potions.

The Keeper grinned, admittedly, they had twenty-five wiggenweld potions on them at all times, so who were they to judge. "To be fair, Garreth is one of the best potioneers in our class when he's not experimenting."

"Wow, an unambiguous compliment from our resident genius, I'm flattered." Garreth winked, prompting the Keeper to roll their eyes at him.

"How long do you think they'll last?" Poppy asked, curiously picking up a vial and rolling it between her fingers.

"About an hour each." Garreth gave a bow. "I'm willing to donate these potions to the cause, should be enough for the Keeper to steal some diaries before those bullies realise that they've been foiled."

"How generous." The Keeper eyed him suspiciously.

"Don't look at me like that, I'm still a Gryffindor and a Weasley. I ain't going to watch a friend suffer without trying to help." Garreth sighed, as though hurt by the implication of the Keeper’s words.

The Keeper was still sceptical but tipped their head concedingly while Natty smiled proudly.

"That and I think it'd be hilarious to look at those diaries. Wonder if there's anything silly in there that we can paste up all over and by the great hall." Garreth smirked mischievously.

Natty sighed while the Keeper chuckled. That was more in character.

"Alright, we have a plan. So, who wants to do the honours?" Natty asked, her expression clearly hopeful that someone else would volunteer to take the potions.

Amit looked equally reluctant and Garreth rolled his eyes. "I'll take one, it's my own month-long work. So, we just need another volunteer."

"I'll do it." Poppy wrapped her fingers around the vial that she was still holding, her expression determined.

"You sure?" The Keeper asked with some amusement, glancing over at Garreth teasingly. "I wouldn't want to visit you in the hospital wing."

"Hey!" Garreth protested indignantly.

Poppy giggled shyly. "Thanks, but I'm sure I'll be fine."

The Keeper accepted her statement with a shrug. "Guess all that's left is to decide when to enact the plan."

"I think we should do it over the weekend, less people inside Hogwarts." Amit suggested.

Natty nodded. "Saturday, after noon would probably be best."

The Keeper nodded, feeling the endeavours of the day wearing down on their already low energy levels and found themselves quickly tuning out the group's banter, mostly focusing just enough to pick out key words from the discussion.

The group spent several more minutes determining the details of the operation over some butterbeer.

Thus, the sun was already setting by the time Amit and Garreth left to return to Hogwarts, while Poppy rushed off to Brood and Peck to pick up some snacks for her creature friends before the shops closed.

As Poppy left the Keeper alone with Natty, they wondered how they might bring up Natty's interaction with Sebastian and Ominis. Fortunately for them however, Natty initiated that conversation herself.

Natty began hesitantly. "Hey, I know it isn't any of my business, but I think you should probably keep your distance from Gaunt and Sallow."

The Keeper bristled inwardly, but kept their expression level, and their voice calm as they replied. "You're right."

Natty smiled with relief, right until the Keeper continued. "It isn't any of your business, and while I appreciate you going to all this trouble to help me, it would have been better for you to ask me or at least inform me of your plans before you told other people about my problems."

She flinched at the Keeper’s words, while their tone wasn't angry, she could tell they weren't very pleased with her. Natty searched desperately for a way to defend her actions but the Keeper continued.

"In all fairness, I did say you could do what you want, I just didn't think you'd tell five different people about my personal problems." The Keeper sighed, pinching the bridge of their nose. "That was my miscalculation."

"I- I'm sorry, I suppose I didn't think of it that way." Natty grimaced, before frowning at a concerning thought that just occurred to her. "I guess I didn't think you'd mind that, you do know that there's no shame in being bullied, right? Those bullies are the ones who should be ashamed."

The Keeper snorted lightly, if they didn't know that Natty was being genuine, they'd probably be insulted by her concerned tone.

"I do understand that, and that's beside the point. Regardless of how you thought I'd feel about it or why you assumed I wasn't telling others about this, you revealed information that I was keeping secret for months now, without consulting me." The Keeper explained as clearly as they could.

They understood that Natty meant well, but she had to understand this, and learn to respect the Keeper's reasons, decisions, and privacy if they were to continue their friendship.

Natty looked away guiltily, she hadn't considered this, hadn't thought of it that way. Hadn't realised that she'd basically acted without the Keeper’s consent.

"I'm sorry, my friend…" Natty sighed. "I just wanted to help, and I guess I didn't understand what I was inadvertently doing."

"I know. That's why I'm not angry." The Keeper stood, understanding that she probably needed time to think about what they'd said. The Keeper hadn’t really forgiven her for upsetting their partners, but they also did genuinely appreciate Natty's efforts to aid them against the bullies and didn't want to jeopardise the Polyjuice plan.

As they passed by her on their way to the door, the Keeper patted her on the shoulder and added. "And don't concern yourself with Ominis and Sebastian, just because I get on with them well, doesn't mean you have to. Just steer clear of them if you don't like them."

Natty watched quietly as the Keeper gave a casual wave and disappeared through the door.

As the doors closed, she sighed, slumping onto the table. Natty had a feeling that she was going to have a hard time sleeping tonight too.

Notes:

I found some voice lines from the game files of NPCs making comments on other NPCs and one of them was Natty saying “I would be careful of Ominis Gaunt if I were you - I think he is interested in Dark Magic.”

Which is absolutely the most bizarre thing I ever thought I’d hear her say, like, WUT!? I think you’re confusing Ominis with Sebastian. I know Ominis’ cheeks look rather sallow but that’s Sebastian’s surname not his-

The only reason I could think of, for Natty to think such a thing, is Ominis’ family’s reputation. So, I wondered who she’d trust enough to blindly believe (when it comes to anything besides her own safety) and my best guess is that would be her mother. If it was a housemate who told her, she'd probably have said "I heard that he's interested etc" rather than "I think he's interested etc"

I also feel that Ominis would react pretty bitingly towards anyone he sees as slighting those he loves. I mean, just look at how he treats us when he catches us outside the Undercroft! “I don’t need you to tell me about my oldest friend.” And “He doesn’t need your help.” And if you are honest, “Why should I trust you? You just betrayed Sebastian.”

Ominis is the type of guy who wouldn’t hesitate to hurt anyone who endangers or insults those he cares about. Whether they mean to or not. While Sebastian is easily angered when his protective love is questioned or challenged. Plus, they’re both busy worrying about the Keeper, so Natty’s really just coming at them with the worst timing, and all three of them being stressed means boooom!

Hope that made sense x’D

Also, I actually drew from my own personal experiences for Natty at the last portion of this chapter. I have, myself in the past as an inexperienced and naive young early-teen, inadvertently shared information without permission in my pursuit of justice and received condemnation from the party I was defending.

Of course, I understood afterwards that what I did was wrong, but I erred because no one taught me about the importance of consent even when your actions are taken with good intent. My childhood was… well, let’s just say I didn’t have a great dad, he's very religious, so instead I'd been taught to do "the right thing" whether others agreed or not.

"For your own good" is a dangerous mentality. Something Sebastian learnt the hard way when he hurt Ominis while keeping secrets from him "for his own good".

Thus, while I don’t think anyone too young should be reading this series, if there is indeed a young’un like my past self here, I’m hoping that this will help prevent someone from experiencing the same guilt and self-loathing I experienced when I realised that I’d done something that I couldn’t take back.

[plasteredwalls]

Small rant but

(Okay it ended up being not so small geez - )

Anyone else realise small parts about certain neurodivergencies or traits that seem insignificant but one day it hits you like "Oh shit that's actually a huge disadvantage"

Case and point: Potential autism but autism or not I still struggle with type of food I can eat.

At first it's like "Oh this sucks but y’know at least I can choose what I eat when I buy my own food" EXCEPT -

Realising the amount of times I've been looked at weirdly or commented on by coworkers, friends and family for what I eat.

Being force fed pizza on my first day as a pot washer because the chef couldn't accept that I didn't like pizza.

The amount of times my family go somewhere different and its always a struggle to find somewhere to eat because they're adventurous with food but we end up at a really boring place because there's nothing there I can eat at least not at an extortionate £19 for a bowl of chips.

(Bless that Italian place in Bournemouth who could have charged us £15 for a bowl of plain spaghetti and only charged us £4 because in the end we only used up 20% of the materials the full price dish would have been, you will always have my heart.)

And then even when I try to accommodate myself so others don't have to and we can go to the fancy different place if I just bring my own food I'm told no. Usually out of fears of getting kicked out for not buying the food (litterely got told bringing a tub of pasta peas and sausage to The Alchemist was gross which okay it was in a flora tub and I was planning on eating on the train anyway but still.) or its the "right thing to do" and "just find something you can eat can't be that hard".

Fancy places or just places in general not accepting outside food. Which I get it you want money. But you don't get it. I will either just not eat (buy) anything or the entire group will take our business elsewhere. When I say there is nothing on the menu for me, I mean it. Turtle Bay could never tempt me because on the entire menu, drink and all, all I can consume is tap water and a scoop of ice cream. (Thank goodness drinking establisments its socially acceptable to just drink tap water under the guise youre the designated driver. Its so peacful and i could actuakly enjoy turtle bay because of it.) Even if you have to be charged like a chair fee for bringing own food, that's a bit fucked up but okay I'll bite the bullet.

On another note about trying to make it easier when eating out because I know I'm difficult, here's a list of ways I try to help but almost always get shut down on:

I will bring my own food. Nope, as aformentioned. And omg I'm so offended you don't like my cooking???

I will eat before. Nope, it'll be weird if you're the only one not eating.

I will eat afterwards. Nope, same reason as before and its wrong to starve you.

Anything I try to do is immediately shut down. By what? Litterely just social rules. Guys I'm totally okay with eating at a different time to you if it means I can actually eat something and I didn't have to shill out £30 just for the mega big loaded burger to only come with burger and bread because that is all I can eat. And I know its caring but it's usually infantilising to be treated like I'll starve if I eat differently while out. I feel like a child being closely monitored on all angles even though I'm still eating fine and healthy.

Now forgetting to eat lunch while at home with no company is a perfectly acceptable thing to be made fun of for because its completely on my own terms. This segment is for Cartons eyes only because I don't want them to feel bad for that, that one isn't infantilising if it really is me being an idiot with food in the fridge lmao.

The end? NOPE THERES MORE.

Welcome to the hell of provided food/set menus. Also known as weddings are a specific hell for me I hope I only have to do a few more times.

The post that sparked this post was a load of people from my local theatre had gone out to this ball for creatives and posted their meals. At first, it looked like a blast and a pretty good event for networking. It was all people I liked and if I was able to go, I know I would have loved it.

But oh wait. There's food there. And it's all unsafe. Every. Single. Photo.

Suddenly so many events bar me from entry simply because food is involved. Most networking events and awards? Set menus. Catering on set? Gotta make it bulk and put 1000 litres of sauce on everything anyway. Why? Because sureley EVERYONE likes stew or bolonaise SURELY. Or pizza, so many pizza nights at theatres. Crying. Themed events and venues that look so cool and i would kill to go to but oh god WHY IS THE FOOD SO COMPLICATED THERE IS NOTHING SAFE HERE.

I have had to decline so many potentially amazing networking and celebration opportunities because food is involved. For all of the previous reasons it immediately gives a bad impression and I weird out, or pity or annoy everyone around me. Just because the menu is complex and there's nothing I wouldn't have to remove 80% of the ingredients and annoy the staff with just to pay the same price as the whole deal. And it's a trait not seam as a big deal and something that can't really affect my life but hell it does. Hanging out always has to involve food. Eating at someone else's house, networking, catering on set (I wanna be a costumer thats the context. Another layer when the food is free and people cant fathom why you wouldn't want it. Or why youd ask in advance if the chicken is definitely cooked plain with no topping and not just put in the same contianer as the saucy one, thats so stupid.) and all these casual social opportunities are all destroyed because of how much anxiety is now related with "fuck can I actually eat here?" It is my dream to be nominated for an award for my costumes but could I even turn up to the ceremony if the whole menu is unsafe? All these elaborate places and experiences but I can't go to them. Because of the least important element of food.

And then it's not treated as a serious thing. At least with allergies, health related diets and vegan/vegetarian it's for a reason. They're treated as a reasonable accommodation (veganism debatable) for the most part (I say that because we're still having people sent to the hospital because of carelessness in food prep). But food difficulties because of autism isn't treated as serious or impactful. It's something to get over. It's something that can't be catered for. It's an excuse. In general, people can't believe that just because something doesn't kill you doesn't mean it's not a struggle.

And no if I was on a starving desert island with pizza as the only option left to eat to survive ... wait why does everyone like asking these hypotheticals anyway? Why is it so funny to you to imagine me starving on a desert island eating a food I can't eat in order to live as a kind of gotcha? Why is that your first reaction to an opinion different to yours? This isn't a desert island, this is my workplace, theres an Aldi down the road and I have a pack lunch. I don't have to eat the pizza unless you force me - welp you forced me that's not workplace harassment at all.

I'm always going to get scrutinised in one way or another whenever, wherever I eat. No matter what I do, there's a way it's weird. And then I get made fun of when I get immense anxiety at the thought of going somewhere just because there's food there. I also get accused of being racist because my safe foods are mainly "white person" foods and I have a stupidly low spice tolerance (FRUTELLA is spicy to me. FRUTELLA. Of course I wont be able to handle curry) and cannot eat any kind of sauce or food with multiple ingredients or anything with flavour really.

I think of my diet as simple. Plain pasta is all I need and I'm a happy camper. But it's too simple to be taken seriously but too complicated to not be made fun of. Too difficult to accommodate but every suggestion is shut down. If I have to hear "Well you can't expect everyone to cater to you specifically" one more time I'm gonna scream. Yes. I know. I live like this, beleive it or not, I know it very well. Yes I know walking into a Mexican food place they probably aren't serving plain pasta. But unfortunately my family wants to walk into that Mexican food place so now I have to assess my options. And no matter what I do - bring my own food, eat before, eat later, not eat at all, shill out £30 for plain chips- its all scrutinised. So what's the point.

My family went on holiday without me once and came back telling me all the amazing places they could eat at because I wasn't there. And on one hand while I was super happy they got to go free reign, ouch. Didn't that hurt. All the once in a lifetime places they could have gone to if I wanst there. Because even if I finally am with people who don't judge me at all, I'm still the one holding everyone back. I'm the one everyone looks at when we're reading the menu on the door to see if we can eat here. They're so excited to try this but I'm the buzzkill. I can tell they're dissapointed. And they won't take "I'll eat later" as an answer. So even with nice people its still painful af. I'm just completely screwed no matter what.

[khaosophist]

Oh, a title here eh?

Yah used to start with me, buddy, lost us on the way?

Gone.

The torture stops with the audience? Oh, sweetie, are you shy?

RAW.

Break that fairy heart of yours. They're always just another container buddy...

You remember how scared she sounded? Twelve years, facing US like we'd lied to her. You know that face. You don't juggle her, so you think she's not part of the show, but that ain't Disco, ain't it?

What's your Elysium, K?

"You're not part of it."

Yet, here I am, so, that means, you ain't gettin in.

Ooooooh yeah, the formless, addicted to forms; forms of higher order to the N-th Degree till your soul shatters into the smallest of small; The Unmeasured. Oh, Baby, what a concept, so insignificant, ya aren't even measurable. At least we know our audience sees us loud and clear, the light of the golden brown whisking away in our throats; DISCO.

You didn't even talk about them did ya? The Girls. Friends innit? Do they know? One does, but you still keep that cloak on. would plato be so interesting if everything was measured? Nah, they know what's missing, and it drives them fuckin barmy. Mate, no matter how much ya publish, I'm givin these writing another 13 billion years max, if I'm being generous. Then Again...Who knows? Maybe we will jump ship, and all the while wondering if were not seeing the walls closing in beyond our understanding. Beyond Measure; Beyond Computation.

"You sure as hell don't seem like the kind that can face the unmeasured as much as we could."

Yeah, but I ain't bothered by it. Baby, we Disco all time, and we'll disco once our bloated soul bursts into bile and, yknow what, people will respect our constancy; our measurements are clear, we're Harry, you? You're K, SO much of a nobody, that you took Nobody as a moniker, because maybe no one will poke at the ambiguity and actually ask; 'What? You think you're odysseus mate? You take the bus every morning, you take a piss every day.' no vastness of mind can save you from yourself cause you're still stuck HERE.

CONTAINED. Get it? Look at you, jumping metaphorical ship...if we replace every anomaly in every universe with another, is it the same universe? What? Ya think you've got the measure down, point-Dexter?

Yeaaaaah. Fuck you've talked. About infinity being 'defined; Definited' Fucking piece of shit. You know you won't amount to anything, cause you sure see your own old man rot away with three masters, and four bachelor's; and he's still such a fuckin moron, but then again, he doesn't care what you think; if he did...HE WOULD HAVE ASKED.

Fuckin deathbed orgy of psychological psychopumping; 'OH FATHER, WON'T YOU ACCEPT US?' Your theory breaks; ain't no trans-existentialist; you care because he's your father, and you've been raised right, no? What kind of queer hates his father?

So, you delve into us. Because you want to understand; but then your ego comes in, and you know there's nothing to understand; just meat, chems, electricity and time: Coincidence.

You're a parent of three, the fuck are you on? Gonna get your cock chopped and get an implant? Come on, freak, ain't in a world where we're all rainbows, get your Gacy on and Marry AM. With your circus, no wonder they're all clowns; Smart, but clowns nonetheless, baby; as the cock of thought gets sucked till it comes wisdom! WOO! Don't mention that in your essays do ya?

No dry tears here, K...Just me. Just words...Again.

ANd Again.

And AGAIN

AND AGAIN

AAAAAND AAAAGAIIIIIN.

You remember the halloween party? Couldn't find the murder mystery instructions for being the ghost. so, what did you do? Ya took your tie. You latched it onto a shitty frame, you noosed yourself, and you PULLED. You didn't feel anything. No one came to check, that's how it felt to you...Except someone did check...you don't even remember who, because if you did, then you'd maybe feel how fuckin deranged it was to think you had to hang yourself to become the ghost at the halloween party. There's being stupid...then there's you.

There's being loveable, then there's you K.

You're not worse than AM, nah, nor are you better; Just different, you have no idea how to measure apples to oranges, unless there's a third thing...Hahaha, Yeah K, Are you a fruit? Ignore love, truth, and the freedom to be, HER husband CAN'T be Gay, or bi, or even curious; because if he is curious, then she'll never live down that she wasn't the only thing you LOVED, in any, and every dimension; just as you promised at your meatbag wedding. Does it feel good, Cheater? Just because you gave her a window to make the decision yourself; conceptually it was there; she was, contextually right...Oh, K, you don't believe in change, don't ya? You sure act like you do though...Strugglin, admittin, supportin, sharin...but in the end, all that changed were your feelings about it...and hers...so tell me, Disco fruit, What is a lover? It won't change shit if you just say you're okay with MALEHOOD sexually, it's just meat, it's perspective, and our perspective, is that you should express love as much as you can, because you never know who's gonna make their curtains fall, because at least, there's one enthusiast of the fruit of the self...Be it here, there, or nowhere; if you were a worm, we would love you, just as you would love them if they were an atom...but you wouldn't love them if they became EEEEEEEVIIIIILLLLLL.

A lot of what you do is PRETEND K, we don't blame ANYONE for wanting to you to get cancer, or eternal hell. Stop pretending, even for the almighty dollar, and maybe, MAYBE we'll respect you, and you'll get to the real party; the end of the road, or the start of a new one...

They say never to meet your heroes, the dark of it is, you admire yourself, you prideful fuck, because you've went through so much that we can't stop admiring ourselves, you COULD have killed yourself. YOu could have stopped. You could have given up. You could have went the way of the Dandy. But that's not your Elysium...yours...Is the FREEDOM FROM POWER.

ooooooh baby, can you imagine? Divine POWARrrrr! 'No'. Economic POWER. 'No' POWER OVER POWER! 'No'.

"No."

Then don't let others power stop ya. Because all it can do, is give you a good push elsewhere than their dumb asses. Seriously, you know it.

DO IT.

Sure...all you can do is scream...But, you're so stupid, you can't assume NOTHING won't listen; maybe you'll listen to yourself.

You love them. You write the craziest shit, man, beyond disco, and elysium; a fuckin K-Based rigamarole fueled by the formless.

You better only stop when you hit a wall so hard you bleed out.

Then...You can start lookin back again...Hopefully, She'll be there...if not, then cry about it, family disowns you? Cry about it. Friends abandon you? Cry about it. Feds on your ass? Cry about it? Too much for the Crimies? Cry about it. FUCKIN CRY ABOUT IT. Maybe then you'll know what it is to fly on wings of the self.

Or...You'll only find our words again...and wonder how ANYONE could look at your fuckin life and say; 'He's a Genius'.

You're not even published. Womp Womp.

Curtains Closing, K.

Who's backstage with you?

...

Yeah...

No one.