#and a nepo baby

[jadelover69]

𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐀 - 𝟎:𝟎𝟑

❝𝟏𝟔𝟎𝟎 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐠 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭, 𝐄𝐠𝐲𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐧 𝐫𝐨𝐲𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭❞

- Cleo De Nile

“OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!“

“NYAH?! The heck is this!?“ Grim frowned.

A half-red, half-black collor appeared around Grim’s neck, Grim tried to claw at it to make it get off.

“Laws of the Queen of Hearts: Number 23 ’One shall never bring a cat into a festival’!“ He glared at you now, you were about to walk over and curse his entire bloodline when Riddle began to speak again.

“You being a cat means you’ve broken the rule. I shall have you leave at once!“

“I’m not a cat!“ Grim cried, “I’ll burn this collar right up and... EH! I can’t use my fire!“

Riddle giggled but tried to pass it off as a chuckle (spoiler alert it did not convince anyone) to Grim’s misfortune, “Hmph! You won’t be using any magic until I remove the collar. Just like an ordinary cat.“

“Wh-what?! I’m not some pet!“ Grim tried to retort.

“Don’t worry I’d never keep a pet like you“ Riddle sneered. “I’ll take it off when you get thrown out anyway.“

Azul butted into the conversation wearing a saccharine smile, “Wonderful as ever. Any and all magic gets sealed by your unique magic, Riddle. I want it..- *cough* No. I would never want that cast on me.“ He nervously chuckled.

’Real smooth’ you thought, frowning a bit when that failure of a person, Crowley decided to reprimand you (for what? you never make any mistakes you’re practically perfect!)

“You must do something about this, (Name)! It is your familiar!“ He scowled. “Maybe properly discipli-“

“It’s not mine,“ You gritt your teeth in anger, you wanted out of this weirdo school. You missed Ghoulia and her doing your homework. 😢

“It’s not yours...?“ he pursed his lips, as you shook your head for a ’no’.

“Yeah, If I’m supposed to be ’magicless’ how am I supposed to have a familiar?“ You asked, motioning for him to answer.

“Ehhh..“ He tugged at his coat and coughed into his hand, “My apologies! Anyway, let’s get it out of the school. And as I am gracious we won’t cook it into a stew. My my, truly my kindess is boundless!“ He smiled.

’boundless my ass’ 

“Someone help please!“ at those words the entire crowd shuffled and went farther from him.

And honestly, same.

“GYAH! LET ME GO!“ Grim shrieked, still clawing at the collar “I am- I’m going to become the greatest mage ever!!“

Two boys were pushed into the open and forced to through Grim out of the ceremony.

’How annoying’ you curled your lips downwards, eyeing Grim with distate. It was deserved as he was annoying and even almost burned you! You took immense satisfaction at his shouts (were you beefing with an animal? yes. do you care? no)

“W-we may have had a bit of trouble along the way but this bring the entrance ceremony to a close!“ Crowley loud ahh voice snapping you out of your thoughts. 

“Housewardens, please show the new students back to the dorms!“ He said, putting his hands on his hips and looking into space as if he was delivering a great speech.

He looked down at the students again before pausing, “...hmm? Now that I think about it, I don’t see the dorm leader of Diasomnia, Mr. Draconia anywhere.“

“That’s no different from usual, is it?“ the were-lion(? you still weren’t sure) snarked.

“Whaat? Did nobody tell him about the ceremo....“

You tuned out and just looked around the room, you were busy looking at some cutie with white hair and purplish eyes when someone with a deep voice spoke up (LOUDLY! VERY LOUDLY! [it wasn’t it really wasn’t])

“It seems I was correct“ people still talk like that? 

“I thought he might come but Malleus really didn’t“ you turned your head to the direction of the voice and...

Draculaura?! She’s here too?

Wait no that was a boy.

But uhm... why was he so fucking short. No short people-hate but you did not expect that voice to come out of that.

You liked his hair though.

“It seems the invitation ’never arrived’ again...“ He lamented.

Not being invited? hah. Could never happen to you. (you miss monster high, even if you’ve only been gone for probably an hour)

“My dearest apologies. I promise we didn’t intend to exclude you“ said Azul, putting a hand on his chest. (he seemed fake)

“His aura makes it hard for us to approach him.“ Riddle defended himself (and the others ig).

Meanwhile you went back to looking at the cutie with white hair again.

“It’s fine. Members of Diasomnia can come follow me. I just hope this doesn’t upset him...“

That was a weird interaction. 

You were standing blinking wide eyed wondering what just happened when- “Then (Name), I’m terribly sorry about this but..-“

“You’re making me leave? Yeah I figured“ (you really didn’t but you would rather die then admit that)

“*ahem* Correct! Those without any talent for magic cannot be allowed to attend class here“ You shrugged at that you didn’t really care about this place and if you were gone for too long that bitch Torelai might steal your spot as fearleading captain.

“However there is no need to worry. The dark mirror will send you directly back from whence you came from“ He motioned his hands toward the big mirror.

You smiled a bit at that one, who knew a clown could actually make people smile!

“Enter the gate and picture your home clearly in mind...“

“Oh Dark Mirror! Guide this one back to the place she belongs!“  He belloed raising his hands ip

At that you scrunch your eye-lids tight causing some of those color/light spots. You thought of the sea Lagoona’s family came from, the normie town near Monster High, your room. Your room filled with clothes, posters, and burn books. You thought of your jewels and all your credit and debit cards. You missed your money already. And all your friends even Clawdeen’s annoying little sister. Uhhhh... Growleen. Yeah her.

You even crossed your fingers and spoke an old egyptian chant for luck. (you however didn’t notice someone jolting in surprise at the chant)

“........“

Crowley looked around (probably embarrased) “Oh... Uh once more. Oh Dark Mirror! Guide thi-“ 

“It is nowhere“ 

That’s a lie. You wanted to go already. ☹️☹️☹️.

“Eh?“ Crowley looked shocked “The place she belongs is nowhere in this world... It does not exist“

What?! Now you were shocked, you were standing hunched over mouth open and your eye was twitching. This wasn’t in (whatever Monster High world is called)?! And apparently (whatever Monster High world is called) doesn’t exist here either?!

Where the fuck were you?! You missed your ghoulfriends...

“What did you say? That is unbelievable! Hmm, well, the unbelievable has been on parade today.“ Crowley hummed, putting stroking his chin again.

Meanwhile you were having an existential breakdown, iconically.

“This is the first time it’s ever happened since I became headmaster, what should be..“ Crowley’s sockets narrowed. “Where exactly did you come from?“

“Are you dumb? I told you earlier Monster High, which is located in (wherever the fuck Monster High world is called)“ you stood straight up at the attention being brought back to you. Even if you were scared you had to make good impressions because you didn’t have daddy’s money anymore.

“I’ve never heard of such a place“ Crowley admitted. Yeah, you were absolutely screwed. 

“I have a general grasp of where all the students came from but I’ve never even heard that name before. Let us do some research in the library.“ 

And with a swish of his cloak he quickly motioned for you to follow him.

[viriborne]

Lars’ chibis are so funny to me

[ihateadulthood]

[ioveultraviolence]

I always wanted to be famous.

[swannsways]

favorite Angus Tully's quotes, The Holdovers (2023) dir. Alexander Payne

[mist-the-wannabe-linguist]

Most Antivan Crows do not live long enough to experience a midlife crisis

The Crows supply their ranks generally from orphans, illegitimate or abandoned children, children purchased from slavery, whore houses and other similar sources. Some are born into the Crows already, but those would be a very small minority, for reasons explained below.

Lucanis mentions that Crow training involves a lot of acrobacy. After a brief search, sports with similar physical requirements such as gymnastics, ballet and martial arts have the ideal starting age in the range of 4-10 years, 15 at the latest, when the children's joints are still flexible (and their minds can be easily manipulated). Zevran is canonically stated to have been taken at the age of 7.

Crow training is intense and brutal, involving straight up torture as tests of pain tolerance. From the 18 fledglings of House Arainai taken in the same year as Zevran, only two survived to the end of their training (World of Thedas Vol. 2). Training with real weapons, harsh punishment, possibly the Spartan custom of underfeeding the children and driving them to stealing food for themselves to encourage learning stealth and resourcefulness, and very likely killing any who try to run away, all these are very likely factors for the high death rate among fledglings.

If the average age of newest Crow fledglings is 6, they might be ready for promotion to the rank of Assassin very well as early as the age of 14-15. This is where the second meat grinder starts, these new Crows will already have plenty experience, but the first solo contracts will still likely take many of them, either killed by their targets, by their Masters for failing the contract, or by themselves to avoid the pain and humiliation of returning to their Masters unsuccessful. This period might likely have the highest suicide rates in general, as the new Crows are still relatively emotionaly vulnerable but old enough to comprehend their position in the world and the weight of their actions.

Promotion to the rank of Assassin also certainly brings great benefits that only increase as the Crow's career progresses and their contracts bring them more coin. The comforts and opulence of Antiva are for them to take, and someone who has grown up only knowing hunger and pain will certainly not hold back. Alcohol, drugs, sex, all the addictions and diseases will surely take the lives of many Crows.

An Assassin's career begins early and ends early. To use sports and dance once again, most porfessional gymnasts and ballet dancers retire between the ages of 25 and 35 as their physical capabilities decline. Those who have survived this long will be granted the rank of Master and oversee the distribution of contracts and the training of fledglings, and will participate in actual assassinations much less. This is also where one might strive to become a Grandmaster or even a Talon. At this point, a Crow will have enough prominence within the organization that they might become a target themselves. Only the most skilled, well-connected and ruthless Crows will continue to rise and, most importantly, continue to live.

If a presumed average number of fledglings per House is around 20, 2-3 will make it to Assassin. In one Assassin's 20 years long career, that would make only about 50 new Assassins out of 400 fledglings. Probably only about a half of those will make it to 35. Even fewer will make it to 50. Out of 400 children bought or stolen from the streets.

Caterina Dellamorte is over 70 years old.

[ambrosiagourmet]

Not sure how widely recognized this is but it’s fucking wild to me that miss kui just quietly snuck in the fact that most (if not all) of the differences between races only exist because of wishes they made to the Winged Lion.

Dwarves being strong? Lion wish. Elves being good at magic? Lion wish. All lifespan differences???? Lion wish, babey!

Not that the elves superiority shtick isn’t already BS, but it’s even funnier with the context that the only difference between them and humans is that, thousands of years ago, their leaders made a greedier wish to the demon that wanted to eat them.

[luxlisbonsthings]

me because i will never live that new york nepo baby lifestyle

[tmblrofshame]

dipcifica is so funny to me because dipper was literally nice to every other girl in that show but pacifica. like it was on fucking sight

[mysharona1987]

[t0bey]

modern au chrobin where they still have lucina at their canon (?) ages cuz theyre idiots

[oceancentury]

John ‘Jack’ Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg (only grandson of John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier) is Vogues new political correspondent.

[frownyalfred]

a random socialite: “Your rude, spoiled children shouldn’t be allowed at these events. They ruin every party they go to.”

Bruce, a rude, spoiled nepo baby currently in a secret competition with his children to see who can ruin this gala first: “…uh huh.”

[gods-favorite-autistic]

I think it’s funny how at least one of the bad guys from each season has had personal beef with Riz Gukgak

[slightlyartist]

🎶 The Bentley got the wrong Radio Ga Ga 🎶

(CEO Jesus my beloved...)

[eloiscbridgerton]

ELLA PURNELL as RHIANNON & CALAM LYNCH as AJ Sweetpea (2024)