#and Trouble in Tokyo lives rent free in the back of my head | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

a-nick · 25 days ago

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Persona 5: The Final Heist

Hey, first post! This little story is just something I've had cooked up - its not my best work, but I figured its a strong start for my tumblr blog. Without further ado, here's Final Heist. A sort of reunion "what if" scenario for the thieves final heist... (stick around if you enjoy Shadow Joker plotlines, hehe).

Chapter 1

REN AMAMIYA - MORGANA

Another day, another failed job interview. Ren Amamiya was used to the rejection by now, but that didn't mean he was ever any less disappointed. He lazily laid on his bed, body sprawled out and face planted in a pillow.

"Another failed interview?" His not-cat companion purred from across the room.

Ren didn't make an effort to remove his face from his pillow. The only thing he offered Morgana was a muffled, "yes."

"Then I'm not sure this will make your day any better." Morgana padded over to Ren. There was something in his mouth that he dropped on the foot of the bed.

Ren lifted his head to see what it was, even more disappointment panged in his chest when he realized what it was. An eviction notice. "I thought I had more time?"

Morgana lept onto the bed, moving over to Ren's side. "It's because your criminal record, I think." He moved in closer to Ren, lying by the boy's side. "I'm sorry, Ren." The fated criminal record. Unfortunately, despite being free of Shido's false accusations, he wasn't free from it. That would be thanks to his time spent as the leader of the Phantom Thieves, but Ren was still glad it wasn't affecting the others.

Ren sighed, he flipped his legs to hang them over the bed, cupping his hands over his face. Feelings of dread and aimlessness pooled into him. All he wanted to do was live a normal life, but life always delt him different cards. He always figured out a way, but these days it had begun to feel hopeless.

"I don't know what to do," Ren croaked out. "I feel like I've tried everything, Morgana."

Morgana felt his own sorrow seeing Ren in such a state. It hurt to see his partner in crime feeling so hopeless. But what hurt even more was that Morgana knew he could do nothing. He just continued to stay at the teen's side, letting him caress him for stress relief.

"Are you gonna go live with your parents?" The feline asked.

"No," Ren fell onto his back, now staring at the ceiling. "It'll just bring them trouble. Having a "delinquent" around I mean, everyone in town is just going to look down on them again."

"Ren..." was all Morgana managed to say. The two sat in a still silence. Ren mulling over ideas in contemplation. Morgan just being by his side. But that was when an idea hit Morgana... "Why not go back to Tokyo for a bit? With Sojiro, rents free! It'll be easier to look for a job, too."

Ren slowly looked at Morgana, a sense of hope twinkling in his eyes. "You may be onto something... But I don't want to be a burden to him either." "C'mon, Ren, it's Sojiro we're talking about! You've done so much for him, I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

"Hmm..." Ren went into a thinking position. His legs were crossed and he scratched his chin. "I guess I can try shooting him a text."

--- Ren was honestly surprised that Sojiro said yes. But the more he thought about it, he really shouldn't have been. All Sojiro had ever been to him was kind. He did have to admit though, he felt a little nervous. It'd been a full year since he'd really seen the other thieves. Not since the EMMA incident.

He was going to originally surprise the other thieves with his arrival, but ended up sending a heads up text on the train ride to Tokyo. Just before he entered LeBlanc, he checked for any replies. Zero. Not a single thief messaged him back. He felt a pang of disappointment, but he shoved it away with the assumption they were just all busy.

Two bags in tow, Ren gave a polite knock to the closed doors of LeBlanc. In the next few heartbeats, the door swung open and Ren got to hear those familiar bells jingle once more. At the door stood Sojiro, "'bout time you showed up."

"Not looking any younger, I see." Ren joked as he stepped in.

"And you're still the same old trouble maker." Sojiro gave a jovial laugh. The two hugged, Sojiro finishing it off by saying, "glad to have you back."

After fully pulling his luggage in, Ren's brow raised at a lack of orange head. "No Futaba?" He asked, curiously tilting his head at the older man.

"Probably asleep, school's been busy for her," Sojiro answered casuaully. It was a relief for Ren to hear she was doing well in school. But he'd be lying to himself if he wasn't bummed that she wasn't around to greet him.

Sojiro passed by Ren and headed for the door. But not before dropping a key in Ren's hand. "You know the drill, lock up once you're done."

Ren nodded, "got it." Sojiro turned to leave, but Ren stopped him. "And Sojiro? Thanks."

"Anytime," and he was gone.

Ren sighed, his slapstick smile from before falling right off his face. He slunk into a nearby booth, sliding all the way down onto his bag. One last ditch attempt to look for replies, Ren lifted his phone. Zilch. Not a single thief replied. Ren sat back up, turning over the key that Sojiro handed him in his hand. "I'm gonna take a walk," he told Morgana, who'd just stepped out of Ren's bag.

"Alone? At this hour?"

Ren heaved himself out of the booth, "don't worry, I'll be fine."

The feline just nods, hoping to give off the impression that he intented on staying. But once Ren left the store he quickly padded after, slinking through the gap before the door fully shut. Morgana was worried for Ren. He just wanted to do was keep an eye on him, make sure he didn't do anything rash.

--- Ren's walk outside was more like a sleep walking daze. Lost in his thoughts, he drifted in and out of the subway. In the end, he somehow made it all the way to Shubuya. Despite the time of the night, the city streets were as busy as always.

Morgana was having a hard time keeping track of Ren. It was like he was following the empty husk of a confused zombie. He has to manage to be discreet as well, making the task all the more difficult. But he managed, he watched from afar as he watched Ren stare off into the distance.

Ren, meanwhile, was taking in the city streets. While taking a large inhale, he closed his eyes. But then... A strange feeling washed over him. But strange in a familiar way. Distortion waved around him as he felt the world wobble.

Upon reopening his eyes, the world was merely a distorted version of what it once was. The sky was blood-red, the streets hazy as faceless shadows roamed about. Ren lifted his now gloved hand to confirm his suspicions. His eyes narrowed, "the Metaverse."

RYUJI SAKAMOTO - ANN TAKAMAKI

You know that feeling where you for some reason just feel... Awkward? Like, you can't figure out why, but you just feel weird. Well that's exactly how Ryuji Sakamoto was feeling as he drowned himself in couch cushions. "Ryuji!" His roommate, Ann, threw a throw pillow directly at his face. "What's up with you now?"

Ryuji made no effort to avoid the blow, letting the pillow hit him square in the face. He only really slumped further into the couch. "It's this whole school thing, man. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up."

Ryuji was currently a collage student, one learning the arts of physical education. It was his aim to be one that kids could actually look up to. A teacher that kids could trust. A far cry from the teacher experiences that Ryuji himself faced. But the motivation to learn was... Lackluster, to say the least. Part of him still wished he could have gotten a track scholarship, but those dreams died with his crushed leg.

"I get it," Ann chimed back, slumping into the couch with Ryuji. "Especially with my whole part time model gig, I'm failing so hard."

"Where's Makoto when you need her," Ryuji only continued to whine.

"Probably being the top of her class or something."

“Man, go figure.”

The two blonds were now practically fully sunken into the couch. Ryuji having annoyances of college, Ann the same. Across on the counter both their phones buzzed, but neither noticed. They were too busy regretting their life choices.

The sunk so far into the couch, that it had disappeared below them. Hang on, they were now sitting on hard ground? Ryuji opened his eyes, now seeing a costumed Ann next to him. “Ryuji…” Ann gasped, “you’re wearing your Skull attire!”

Ryuji gawked back at her, “and you’re in your Panther attire?” The building they were in was now empty. Blood red light poured into the room from the window. They both stood up to peak out the window. Sure enough they were in… “The Metaverse,” they both said in unison.

MAKOTO NIJIMA

A young woman opens her apartment door with reluctance. After a long day at school, feelings of drowsiness overtook Makoto Nijima. She reentered the same apartment she’d been living in for the past year or so. She was also currently in the process of balancing her phone on her shoulder, in deep discussion with her sister. "How were classes today?” Sae asked.

“They were fine,” Makoto replied. Sae could hear the exhaustion seeping from her voice.

When she finally stepped inside she could feel a buzz against her shoulder. But she was too busy to really notice it. She just kept the conversation with Sae going as Sae asked, “how’re things between you and everyone else?”

Makoto wasn't sure how to reply. She'd had some contact with the others, mostly Haru, but no one had really hung out since last Summer. "They're fine," Makoto lied.

"Glad to hear it. While, I gotta go, goodnight Makoto.”

“Goodnight, sis.”

Makoto sighed as she plopped into the couch. She felt a bit guilty as she neglected her relationship with the others. But she'd have to tackle those feelings tomorrow, she was far too tired to think right now.

But suddenly, a familiar feeling of distortion washed over her. She was no longer sitting but standing. She opened her eyes, a window present in front of her. Her reflection bounced off it, revealing to Makoto what she was wearing. “The Metaverse,” she whispered to herself.

YUSUKE KITAGAWA – HARU OKUMURA

Yusuke had just waved Haru goodbye, she had invited him on a nice tea date. She didn’t often invite the other thieves, so he had wondered why she invited him. But unaware to him, it was because Haru pitied him and his current food situation. Yusuke was always starving due to… Well, due to the fact that he spent all his money on art supplies. He took the term “starving artist” a little too literally.

But once the two split ways for the night, they closed their eyes. Distortion took them over, “The Metaverse,” they both gasped to themselves.

FUTABA SAKURA – SUMIRE YOSHIZAWA

Futaba layed in bed, a content smile on her face. A third-year in highschool meant she was almost done. The fact that she'd gotten this far surpirsed her, she even managed to make some friends. The person she mostly hung out with though was Sumire, a fellow third-year and honorary Phantom Thief. The two grew close while at school together, Futaba would even go as far as saying Sumire was her best friend.

Of course, there were times where there relationship could feel strained. Mostly due to Sumire's gymnastics, the red head often had to take weeks off of school for competitions. But they always got over their slumps. Sumire had finally and truly earned her status as honor student, so Futaba was only really proud to call Sumire her friend.

Speaking of Sumire, the young red head was standing just outside the Sakura residants. She'd walked Futaba home and was preparing herself to leave. Not before sending Futaba a final "goodnight!" text though. To which Futaba replied "gn!" in return.

Both girls gently closed their eyes, Futaba in slumber and Sumire in joy. But that was when it happened, feelings of distortion and dizziness. Upon opening their eyes, the two realized… “The Metaverse,” they both said.

GORO AKECHI

‘The Metaverse’ were Goro Akechi’s first thoughts when he realized, well, he was in the Metaverse. This world had a strange habit of pulling him back in unceremoniously. But he’d get to the bottom of this. He always did.

SOPHIA

“How long will we stay in Tokyo?” the curious little red robot asked. Sophia’s voice rang from Ichinose’s phone. The heartfelt ai lived there after all. But Ichinose had started making efforts to move Sophia around. Everything was still only experimental, but the idea still excited Sophia. They were in Tokyo to run some experiments and get some supplies for the project.

“We’ll be here for a few days,” Ichinose answered, a pep in her voice.

“Can we visit the Phantom Thieves?” Sophia’s digital interface tilted its head. Sophia’s mannerisms sometimes mimicked that of a cat, probably influenced by Morgana.

“Of course, how can I say no to that cute little face of yours, anyways?” Ichinose was trying, but she leaned to the car seat she had placed Sophia in. She did so to boop the little robot’s digital nose.

Sophia sneezed, her nose twitching a bit after the fact. “Ichinoooseee,” Sophia whined, “I told you not to do that!” The two’s relationship was like that of mother and child. Technically speaking, that’s what they were anyway. Ichinose was Sophia’s inventor after all.

“You’re too cute. But okay, I’ll hold off. For now.” Ichinose returned to her normal sitting position, eyes actually on the road now. “Any thief you wanna see in particular?”

“All of them!” Sophia chirped back, “but I am really excited to see Renren again!” Renren, she’d started calling Ren that after she heard Ryuji say it.

“Oh, was he their suave leader?”

Sophia nodded, “yep!”

Sophia closed her big blue eyes, feelings of excitement washing over her. She just couldn’t wait to see the rest of the Phantom Thieves again! But that was when it happened. Feelings of distortion and waviness moved around here. She could feel herself grow a physical form. Ichinose now gone: Sophia opened her eyes, knowing exactly where she was, “The Metaverse.”

ZENKICHI HASAGAWA

“And you’re sure about this?” Zenkichi Hasagawa spoke into the phone, talking to his only daughter. He was now in Tokyo on police business, but he felt guilty leaving Akane behind. But Akane insisted it was fine. She’d grown so much, and he was so proud of her.

“It’s fine, dad. I’ll be staying at a friend’s house anyways. Plus, things are different now; you don’t need to walk on eggshells around me. I really am proud of my dad and his profession.”

“Akane…” Zenkichi sniffled. After everything with her mom, he was sure she’d never look him in the eye again. And he was also sure that he deserved it. But thanks to those pesky kids, they were able to smooth over their relationship. They were now closer than ever and Zenkichi couldn’t be happier. Speaking of those pesky kids…

“Are you gonna visit those guys that came to the house that one time?” His daughter asked.

“Those guys,” he chuckled at her calling them that. Little did she know that “those guys,” were her idols, the Phantom Thieves. But she was right, he’d definitely have to pay them all a visit. “You know what, I think I will,” he answered.

“Luuucky, you should tell them to come visit again soon!” Distantly, Zenkichi could hear the voice of another teen in the background. He assumed it must have been one of Akane’s school friends. “Well, that’s my cue. Gotta go, dad; good luck in Tokyo!” And she was gone.

Zenkichi could feel his chest swell with pride. He was truly proud of the young woman his daughter was becoming, he was honored to be her father. Letting the euphoria pour over him, Zenkichi closed his eyes for a split second.

That split second changed everything, though. Waves of distortion moved around him, the world wobbled, and he was having a hard time standing on his own two feet. He reopened his eyes to blood red skies, “The Metaverse.”

TOSHIRO KASUKABE – ERINA

“Then, hopefully someday we can—” mid-sentence, someone chucked a banana peel at Toshiro Kasukabe. He lifts it off his head, curiously examining it. A banana peel he thought, that’s a new one. By the time he looked back up and was ready to continue, everyone had already left. Oh well, he’d just have to return tomorrow and try again.

“For what it’s worth,” a voice called out, “I believe you.” Toshiro sporadically looked around to detect where the voice came from. Eventually, an older gentleman revealed himself. “I don’t think you’re some rotten politician, I believe you when you say you want to help this country.”

Toshiro eyed the gentlemen curiously, “thank you, I appreciate that.”

“I was once in your position once, people accusing me of things left and right. But I kept at it, and I think you should too.”

Toshiro gazed down at his singular gloved hand, “that’s the goal.”

The man planted a hand on Toshiro’s shoulder, gently smiling at him. “Glad to hear it,” the next thing Toshiro knew, the older gentleman disappeared into the night. Something felt familiar about the man to Toshiro, but he couldn’t quite put a finger on why. He shrugged; it was nice to get the support at least. People like that man is what encouraged Toshiro to keep trying. People like him and...

"We still on for dinner tomorrow?" Texted Eri Natsuhara. He smiled at his phone, sending her back a "yes, we are" text promptly.

As feelings of contentment overwhelmed him, he took a long inhale, closing his eyes and taking in the fresh nighttime air.

But then... an unfamiliar feeling of distortion washed over him. He cupped his hand over his mouth, suddenly feeling the urge to puke. Before he could even gather what was happening to him, he heard a voice.

“Toshiro?”

He opened his eyes, “Erina?”

#fanfic #persona 5 #persona #persona 5 spoilers #persona 5 royal #ren amamiya #persona 5 joker #akira kurusu #shadow joker

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writer168 · 11 months ago

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I've read your "the lemonade stand" and i'm really curious how the events that happened in "Hoshigaki" and "Eight" trasfer to it, so if you had perhaps an outline of it and don't mind sharing, please share, i'm wracking my brain for how it could work.

Have a wonderful whatever-time-is-it-where-you-are!

hi!

so the barebones ideas i have for team eight's lore in the lemonade stand goes something like this:

the akatsuki have based themselves in north america, but kisame leaves sakura in tokyo with an old relative on his wife's side and doesn't keep in contact, hoping for the best and living with the guilt the second he drops her off. unbeknownst to him, that relative passes a few weeks later and sakura is promptly shuttled into an orphanage

the years sakura spends there helps her grow into the calm, smart, calculating version we all know and love in the original hoshigaki-verse. naruto is a part of the same orphanage but they don't really interact. she sees him cause trouble, get chastised by the works, watches the cycle spin over and over. but it's none of her business and he's never really talked to her, so she keeps her head down and spends her free time finishing homework that's too easy for her and sticking her nose in library books until curfew hits

she meets kiba sometime in the middle of elementary school and her free time splits to spend some time at the circuit of shelters and veterinary clinics the inuzuka family owns

by junior high, sakura and kiba are thick as thieves. the first day of their first year, they meet shino and immediately get him in trouble with them. they spend that day's detention under kurenai yuuhi, their homeroom teacher. from that day on, shino's sucked into their group and they gain a reputation for themselves by racking up more absences than attendances and most teachers couldn't care less about what they do with their time. they still turn in their assignments, still keep up their grades, and if they keep their 'delinquent tendencies' out of their sight, it's not their problem

kurenai disagrees. they're good kids, she knows it, and she'll try to help steer them on the right path no matter how many detentions she has to host for them. now if only they could take it seriously and stop bringing her cheap snacks to bribe her into letting them leave early

it's also in junior high that naruto starts hanging around sakura and her friends. they both had growing up in the orphanage in common, and both had that troublemaking gene, and it was both of them that went out of the orphanage together to make a deal with a landlord who didn't mind renting out some rooms to a couple punk kids who were tired of the group home. the kids were scrappy and clever and knew their way around the streets so he offered them this: a unit for each of them if they ran odd jobs for him whenever he needed them to. when they made deliveries, they'd never look into a package. when he sent them to check up on people, they wouldn't get caught - if they did, he wasn't doing anything to get them out of it

anything beat going back to the orphanage. so they agreed

back at school the other teachers keep telling kurenai it isn't worth the effort, especially when police officer tenzo keeps hauling them back to the school if he can catch them out during school hours. but what they don't care to notice is how police sergeant tenzo is half trying to keep himself from laughing along with these kids and half trying not to worry himself gray when he find that they've thrown themselves into another fight with another group at another school. it doesn't matter if they keep winning, and it's certainly not funny when kiba's cheek is so swollen that it makes him talk weird for a week

but what tenzo's really worried about isn't the fights or the truancy or how scary smart these kids can really be. it's that because they're scary smart that they'll get in trouble with the worst sort of people one day, and him and kurenai won't be enough to save them

his fears are realized in the kids' second year of junior high when one day, they disappear

kurenai is distraught. her and tenzo are the only ones outside of the inuzuka and aburame families that actually care that the kids are gone, and along with it comes some gutting realizations. her the kids never stirred up any real trouble, per se, but they never made many friends at school or got in any other teacher's good graces or care enough to actually address the reputations they've built up for themselves

for a year and a half, she mourns them. she watches inuzuka tsume demand the police to find her son and why the hell aren't you doing anything he's out there and he's thirteen and if you don't do something he'll be dead. she watches aburame shibi, the quiet and polite managing partner of the renowned Aburame Law Offices, blame his son's friends for turning him into another bad kid when he has such a bright future ahead of him. she watches as tenzo tries his best to keep their case open because he's so sure they're still out there despite it growing cold around the edges; he'll never give up on them, he says, even when everyone up to the superintendent general of the tokyo metropolitan police department - second in rank only to the chief of japan's national police agency - thinks he's chasing shadows. she watches as naruto never loses hope of sakura and kiba and shino coming home and... and that one has a particular sting to it. especially when it's only recently that an explosive altercation between him and his best rival landed naruto a couple month's stay in the hospital and had sasuke whisked off somewhere out of japan without leaving so much as a phone number behind

kurenai never loses hope, and it's that same hope that kills her a little bit every day

everything changes when naruto starts his first year of senior high school. because three kids stroll onto the same school grounds like they hadn't ever gone missing in the first place. sakura, taller and stronger and indifferent and with a shock of pink hair. kiba, louder and angrier and sharper and a hearing aid in one ear. shino, more brazen and colder and more blunt and never taking off the dark sunglasses he's taken to wearing on his face

they're back, and it's like the warmth has found its way back into kurenai's blood

(it's later when the kids and kurenai and tenzo flee to north america for a charge of a murder they didn't commit that the latter two find out what really happened. one day when the kids were skipping school like usual, they see police officers dumping the body of a missing child. back then they hadn't been quick enough or strong enough or wise enough to react accordingly and get sucked into a dark conspiracy that they never wanted to be a part of in the first place. superintendent general shimura danzo is kidnapping kids, he had once sold some of them to disgraced scientist orochimaru to supplement illegal experimentation, and prime minister sarutobi hiruzen was covering it all up.)

((then, superintendent shimura finds out there are witnesses. he figures them out, packs up three teenagers into a shipping crate and loads them up on a ship, and sends them off to their deaths. when their bodies are inevitably found, it won't be hard to spin it: "three juvenile deliquents up to no good. something like this was bound to happen. what a shame, what a tragedy. may their souls end up in a better place than their bodies did."))

the conspiracies end up coming to light by the time the kids are sixteen, exposing a rotten and corrupt system that the new prime minister, senju tsunade, is quickly and aggressively working to root (ha) out. but even as names clear and charges drop and japan is ready to welcome three misjudged teenagers back with open arms, they decide to stay in north america.

kiba's intrigued with the goings-on in technology department at RAIN Securities and would probably go to college for something in the field. he's a whizz with tech anyway, and he knows they're probably going to pay for his degree in exchange for his employment

shino knows he's going to put himself on track for medical school. kiba and sakura are always getting hurt and he wants nothing more than to devote himself to the little family they've made for themselves. keeping them safe and healthy will always be in his top priorities, and he's already had exposure helping the medical team at catatumbo sanctuary in south africa. sure it was all veterinary medicine, but at least he knows he's interested in that sort of science

and sakura, well, isn't sure what to do with herself. she's content with floating through high school and taking general courses in college until she finds something worth doing. maybe she'll find something in physics; the subject makes kiba gag, and that's as good a reason as any to study it

it's not like the north american high schools are much different than the ones in japan when it comes down to what matters, anyway. she doesn't make any other friends in the school, she doesn't endear herself to the staff, she submits her assignments and takes her tests and thinks that they school should be lucky they don't have to deal with her and the boys' truancy habits this time around. the days go by and she spends her time after school in a rotation of places: her dad's gym, konan's company, sasori's tattoo shop, kakuzu's car customs shop. it's more of a variety than japan, but it's still routine. she doesn't expect any change

then one fateful day, she gets a project partner in the form of the the football team's pretty boy. and the timeline of the lemonade stand begins :)

this... really got away from me lmao. the outline turned out to be both way more information than i thought i'd get down and not enough detail to fully explain how the world is molded by the events of the hoshigaki-verse, but i hope it's a good structure to give you some idea of how things went down! i could definitely make a prequel fic to elaborate on the world, but we all know i'm already struggling to update my current fics lmaooooo

but if you have any specific questions, i'd be happy to answer them! thank you for your wonderful ask! <3

#asks #hoshigaki #eight #au in an au #i loved hoshigaki sakura so much she became my own canon and i've just made it everyone else's problem #i don't even know how leon managed to shoulder his way in here but now my true otp for sakura is the wildest crackship #that i'm the only one making content for #i guess they call it rarepair hell for a reason #but i just never thought it would happen like this specifically #leon scott kennedy you're one of my greatest muses #and my greatest adversary LMAO

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avulleonastick · 2 years ago

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@toasthaste tagged me for a "put your playlist on shuffle and post the first 10 songs that pop out" thing, so!

(I'm using my "liked songs" playlist on Spotify.)

1: High on Life (by Afterklaps)

I had to actually double check I shuffled, because this is in the most recent like, ten songs I've liked. Also, it fucking slaps I love it so much. I've listened to it on repeat for like, hours, and I'm still not tired of it. (This is very rare, normally I play songs until I hate them.)

2: Killer in the Mirror (by Set It Off)

Set It Off! I'm glad they are here, they are probably my favorite band like, by the numbers. I've listened to their entire discography and liked half of it. (They're like, angry white boy punk rock, but not quite as misogynistic as most of that genre feels.) This song in particular reminds me of taking long walks through this park near one of my old apartments, because I did that a lot while I was in my listening-to-set-it-off phase.

I still sometimes seek out Set It Off and listen to their songs! I have not totally played them out, which is cool.

3: This Ain't Nothing (by Craig Morgan)

Country Music! This is an important part of my, like, history or whatever. I grew up listening to country music, so it will permanently have a soft spot in my art even though a lot of it is Big Yikes. This song is Little Yikes. I still like it! I had a big country kick last year where I liked a whole bunch of country songs from the nineties and early aughts that lasted about two weeks (a good two weeks though!) Anyways that was before I transitioned most of country music feels worse because i know the singers would hate me now anyways!

4: NONSTOP (by OH MY GIRL)

K-pop! I love k-pop! There is respectable k-pop, and then there's horny pandering k-pop. This is horny pandering k-pop. Not maximally so (thank god I didn't get stuck with any EXID songs), but still pretty pandery! Anyways I listened to this song... NONSTOP (heh, but actually). I really like it.

I got into k-pop when I was learning Korean, and it stuck because it is objectively Peak Pop.

5: Whiskey Lullaby (feat Allison Krauss) (by Brad Paisley)

It's the Country Suicide Song! It's about suicide! It was very popular when I was in high school! It's also very good! Probably don't listen to it if you are troubled by suicidal ideation!

It contains the line "So he a bottle to his head, and pulled the trigger", which is a line that has lived rent free in my head for the last like fifteen years.

(Also yes, that is the Accidental Racist guy. This other stuff is better than that.)

6: 東京IMAGINE (by Carat) (Read "Tokyo IMAGINE")

J-pop! I have listened to a lot of J-pop because when I immerse myself in Japanese I also try and listen to lots of Japanese music. Tragically, I generally don't like Japanese music as much as I like English or Korean music. It sucks, and I am very mad about it. My life is very hard.

This song slaps, though. I found Carat fairly recently, and I love them a lot.

7: Maybe You're the Problem (by Ava Max)

Ava Max! I found her in the last year and I love her music so much. It is very Angry Heterosexual Girl Power which is sometimes a surprise to me because I sometimes forget straight women exist. Her songs rock, though. Probably the first genuinely excellent Spotify Radio I've ever had was based on an Ava Max song, where I got more Ava Max songs and a whole bunch of other pop artists with similar sounds.

8: Empire (by Beth Crowley)

I have nothing in particular to say about this song. I recognized the name, but didn't actually remember what it sounds like. I'm listening to it now, though, and I remember it and it slaps. I dig it.

9: Tic Tic Toc (by T-ARA)

T-ARA! One of my first favorite k-pop bands! I found T-ARA through the Japanese covers of their own songs when I was doing japanese immersion way back when. I loved those songs so much, I listened to them so much like... way back in sophomore year of college. I still love them, but not quite as much as I loved them then. This is not my favorite of their songs.

Also I hear there was some pretty horrible in-group bullying that went on in that group which makes me vaguely uncomfortable when I listen to them.

10: Get the F*ck out of Here (by Kobra and The Lotus)

I legit didn't recognize this song name, but I recognized the first couple bars when I played it. It slaps, but I have no particular feelings about it. It is metal, though! That is good! I like metal a lot, and it's important that it's represented here. Alas, I wish this was Battle Beast, my Favorite Metal Band. Or, alternatively, Smash into Pieces, the most prolific band in all of history which I mostly like.

I'm not going to tag people because I'm a Coward! But you should also do this, and then lie and say I told you to do it! Interact with me! Shower me in attention!

#me talking about me #ask meme #or like #something adjacent to that

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ish-scribbles · 4 years ago

Text

Wearing his Jersey

At the Nekoma Training Camp, You and your team from Karasuno High get an unexpected invite to a Halloween Costume Party at Nekoma High and since you didn't have a costume, You wore his jersey.

Pairing: Nishinoya Yuu x Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warning: Whole lotta flufff~ also this is my first fic :)

"Y/N!" A familiar libero yells to you while frantically waving his hand as he enters the gym with Tanaka "Do you need help carrying that?" He says while jogging to you from the other side of the gym.

"No no, it's alright Noya, me and Yachi can carry it together it once she arrives, I don't want to bother you, you can start with your warm ups tho-" you reply as you try to push the heavy trolley full of volleyball equipment yourself again to which I may add you fail miserably

"Are you kidding me? Nothing makes me happier than helping one of our talented team managers" he replies smoothly while flashing a bright smile at you.

You were one of the two first years Kiyoko scouted to be Team Managers for the Karasuno Boys Volleyball Team after she graduates. Amongst you and Yachi, you were the more social one and comparitively easy to talk to. In in all due time you both mixed well and got to know a lot of things about the team, but the thing you weren't aware of yet was that a certain libero had his eyes set on you for a long time, even before you joined Karasuno.

You and Nishinoya went to the same Middle School and lived around the same neighborhood. He liked you ever since he was in middle school but he could never muster the courage to say 'hi' let alone start a conversation with you which was very ironic to the type of person he was. Since, you never seemed to have anything in common with him, he never tried to start anything in the fear of direct rejection. But when he found out that you were one of the first years at Karasuno High AND are going to be one of the new team managers for his team, he was ECSTATIC to say the least. He would finally get to talk to you, spend time with you, get to know you, maybe even be good friends?! But on the day when Kiyoko brought you and Yachi to introduce yourselves to the team, Noya was beyond shocked even before he got to introduced himself.

"Wait! You're Nishinoya, the libero who was in Chidoriyama Junior High aren't you? I always saw you in our school matches, heck I often came to your matches to cheer for you guys,,, tho it's okay if you don't know me" you said with a nervous laugh.

"Of course I know you, You're Y/N, though I have to admit I never knew you that well or know the fact that you came to watch our matches" he smiles while he scratching his head shyly

"Oh I wouldn't miss your matches for the world unless I had some test or something, Our team was so impressive and now that I think of it your Rolling Thunder move was AMAZING!" You said enthusiastically the poor boi got so flustered~~

It wasn't that you didn't want Noya to be more than friends, You even had a crush on him in middle school but were too shy to do anything about it and then he graduated middle school a year before and you never got the chance again. But the truth was you never thought of yourself to be someone who people could like in such a way you were somewhat insecure about yourself but after joining Karasuno you got to meet him again and the of two slowly became close friends who enjoyed each other's company.

It was at this moment when Nishinoya completely fell for you. After that day, Noya tried to spend anytime he could with you; walking you to school and back since you lived nearby, sitting with you during the lunch time or inviting you to sit with him and Tanaka along with occasional surprises like candies or other snacks. He even helped you with your manager duties. Anything you wanted, he was just one call away. He tried to make it VERY obvious that he liked you VERY much, but you never considered it to be more than a him being friendly,,, atleast that's what you convinced yourself to since you considered him way out of your league and were low-key a little self conscious too.

You not understanding his advances in that way sometimes got him thinking if he even had a chance with you or was it just a loss cause, a one sided crush? But he never gave up on you, thats just the kind of guy he was.

-x-x-x-

It wasn't very long after you joined the team, when you and Yachi were asked to go to Tokyo with the rest of the team for the Nekoma Training Camp and since you wanted to learn everything about being a team manager before Kiyoko graduated, you said yes.

After reaching the Training Camp, a lot of guys from different schools tried to hit on you, Yachi and Kiyoko,,, but Tanaka, Nishinoya and Yamamoto from Nekoma made it their mission to not let guys approach and hit on you by anyone but them.

At the camp, practice started early in the morning and ended late in the evening. While the boys practiced volleyball, you and Yachi learned a lot of new things from Kiyoko and the other managers there. Days went by and it was the second last day of the camp already. You and the team received an unexpected invite to a costume party.

"A costume party?" You asked to which Takeda Sensei answered and addressed to the whole team as well "Yes, apparently it's a tradition like prom at Nekoma High and they have a Halloween Costume Party every year and this year all the teams at the training camp are invited. The party will have students from different schools so it is a good opportunity to make connections...I expect you guys to attend it. The party will start tomorrow at 12 in the afternoon and will end at 6 in the evening. Since the party has a compulsory rule of wearing a costume, all of are free for now to go and find costumes to rent, but I expect everyone to return before 9 or no dinner!!" to which the whole team replied "Yes, sensei!"

-x-x-x-

The next day at the party, Asahi Suga and Daichi being the dorks they are chose to show up as the three musketeers. Kageyama and Hinata lost a bet to Tsukishima so they went as a King and a Tangerine, and the rest of the team showed up with good costumes too. Nishinoya dressed up as a Ninja who looked straight out of anime, yes he looked that good and Tanaka dressed up as a samurai.

"Man~ I really wanted to be a sumo-wrestler instead of a samurai but Daichi said it showed too much skin, He's probably jealous of my good looks" Tanaka pouted while complaining and fidgeting with his costume

"Ew no, nobody wants to see you like that, Tanaka! By the way have you seen Y/N and the others, Aren't they here yet?" Nishinoya asked as he glanced around

"Oh somebody in a rush to see Y/N?" Tanaka cheerily asked with all sorts of wiggly eyebrows "CUT IT OUT ALREADY, What if she's around and she hears you?!" Nishinoya says frantically

"Relax~~ she hasn't arrived yet, otherwise all of the guys would've been drooling over her and rest of our gorgeous team managers"

"I suppose you're right"

After a lot of brainstorming Kiyoko decided she's not wearing anything special, so she wore an oversized hoodie and carried a xbox remote control which she borrowed from Kenma and that gave her a gamer girl look, while you and Yachi remained clueless.

But where were you, Yachi and Kiyoko? Ah yes, you guys still didn't have a costume yet,,,so while the others had already started partying, you guys were still in your shared room deciding on your outfits, since all of the costumes at the store were either too revealing or not in your size, so that was a lost cause.

"Kiyoko-san, its not fair~ you look so pretty even in the simplest of clothes" you sighed

"That's not true, though...haven't you guys decided on a costume yet?" Kiyoko asked

"Noo" you sighed while sitting on the floor with your chin on your knees almost ready to give up on the party.

"Well..umm...I had an idea but it could be a little ridiculous. But like...what if we wore our school volleyball jersey? It can be a way to show our school spirits and we would finally have a costume to wear?" Yachi proposed.

"That seems like a great idea" Kiyoko answered with a slight smile.

"Great, I'll call Hinata and ask if I can borrow his jersey" Yachi said while she scrolling to find his number on her phone.

"I guess I could ask Nishinoya, we're about the same height and we're good friends too so it shouldn't be a problem, I suppose" You say to yourself to which Kiyoko nods in approval and continued getting ready, and then you dial up Noya's number.

When Noya first got your call he got into frenzy thinking why were you calling him since you didn't call each other that often, but he picked up the phone anyways

"Y-Y/N?"

"Hey, Noya? haha funny story and I'll explain it later, but I'm desperate right now so would it be too much trouble if i can I borrow your jer-" before you finished your sentence loud music started blasting over the party and your voice wasn't audible anymore.

"Y/N, Y/N? Hello? Y/N I can't hear you anymore...but if there's something that you want to borrow, you can take it"

When you came back to your room, you and Yachi started changing,,,After wearing Nishinoya's jersey you noticed that his shorts were skin tight while his jersey t-shirt was baggy which made you think how muscular he actually is.

After your call ended, you and Yachi went over to the room where the boys were sleeping over at and while Yachi searched for Hinata's uniform, you searched for Noya's. When you finally found his jersey, an unexpected scent of sweat mixed with sports deo hit your senses, which was nice to smell low-key addicting? and you thought to yourself 'Does he always smells this nice?' and before you went any further, your train of thought was interrupted by Yachi saying "Let's go and get changed" with a slight smile on her face.

After the three of you got ready, you finally started off to the hall where the party was being held. When the three of you showed up at the entry gate, you felt everyone's head turning towards you three. Tanaka and Nishinoya saw the slight commotion and decided to go over to have a look by themselves at what's going on as well.

After reaching the entry, Nishinoya stopped in his tracks when he found a familiar figure looking back at him wearing his orange jersey. YOU WERE FINALLY HERE. IN HIS JERSEY. WEARING HIS NUMBER. WEARING HIS NAME POOR BOY GOT SO SHOCKED HE ALMOST PASSED OUT LIKE AJSKDHDNK

After you finally spotted Nishinoya in the crowd you excused yourself from Kiyoko and Yachi as you wanted to apologize for not taking permission to wear his jersey properly over the phone, so you started walking towards him. While you walking towards him you felt all the guys around eyeing at you and even Nishinoya looked somewhat dumbfounded. While you were trying to make your way towards him, he was so entranced by you that every memory that he had with you flashed before his eyes. The time you tried to hit spikes to help him practice receives, the times you sat with him at lunch laughing at his stupidest jokes, you massaging his shoulders to relax the muscle he pulled during a match, the worry he saw in your eyes when you saw his bruised arms from restless practices, the way you get all excited when he pulls a 'rolling thunder' move while other laughed at him for the name he gave to the move.

The moment you reached him, Tanaka left you two alone saying something like "I gotta show Kiyoko my awesome costume~" while Nishinoya still silently looked at you with his mouth slightly agap and spoke nothing until you started talking

"I'm so sorry, I had no costume to wear and Yachi and I decided to show some school spirit by wearing the jerseys, You don't mind, do you? I PROMISE I'LL WASH IT BEFORE I GIVE IT BACK. Its just that costumes were compulsory for entering the party and I didn't knew whether I'll have another chance to an event like this so I'm sorry if bothers you, I'll go back and change right now if you want" You frantically spoke while clasping your hands together to apologize.

Nishinoya couldn't say anything else than "Don't worry about it" his eyes not leaving your body for a second, he was too busy admiring his jersey on you, he was practically MESMERIZED. The way his jersey hugged every part and every curve of your body just perfectly, HE WANTED YOU TO WEAR HIS JERSEY FOREVER! The way his shorts were tight but his t-shirt was baggy, it made him feel slightly bigger than you.

"Do I look that bad tho? I feel like everyone's staring at me" You ask with a slight nervous laugh as you got a little nervous thinking whether everyone is looking at you because you looker weird but you instead got the reaction

"Are you kidding?! That's because you look the like the most beautiful person in the whole world!!" He says without a warning and after realizing what he just said and he himself didn't knew why did he just say it to your face

This catches you off guard as well and your cheek turns to a bright pink tone as well.

But he looks back at you and gathers the last of his remaining courage and puts his hand out to ask "Would you like to dance with me? This is a party after all you know" he says with a big smile shooting his last shot but in the back of his head he expected a straight out rejection because he thought 'Why would girl like her ever dance with a guy like me, stupid stupid stupid' but to his surprise you said "Yes" and took his hand while returning a small and still flustered smile. HE WAS ON CLOUD 9.

After the party ended, he asked you out and you say yes. After that day you were forced to wear his spare jersey to each of Karasuno's game and to this day, you in his jersey at that party is his phone wallpaper and he has no intention of changing it.

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summonerscenarios · 4 years ago

Note

How would the summoners react to finding MC crying in the guild house? And when they ask why he's crying, he tells them because he doesn't have parents, a home to go back to, and that he feels lonely.

Aaaaand we’re back again with the pain train~! honestly i live for things like this cause honestly it lives in my brain rent-free. Who knows maybe we’ll find out who the MC’s family is, but till then lets have a lil bit of anst to fill the void~

----------------

Shiro

You were alone in the guild house for a long while, long enough that when Shiro hadn’t heard any word from you since you went inside he began to wonder what you were doing in there. He considers leaving you be for a little while, maybe you were resting up? God knows you’d been through enough that a nap in one of the safest places you guys know doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea. But then he decides better and heads back to the guild house to check up on you - something didn’t feel quite right, so he’d rather rest the unease that’s filling his head and see that you’re there for himself. But then he opens the door to the guild’s main room, and the sound of wailing floods his ears like a mourning cry. He knows that it’s you, but he’s never heard you cry like this before - yes, you’ve cried, both in front of him and when you’ve thought no-one was around to catch you in a moment of weakness - but this time is different, he knows that from the tone of your voice. He sees you sobbing on the floor, head facing downwards and fingers woven tightly into your hair grip painful as your body rises and falls at every uneven cry that leaves you. Shiro can’t stop himself and shouts out your name with a gasp and your head snaps up to look at him, face red and cheeks wet from tears a testament to how long you must have been here crying on your own. You begin to say something - some kind of excuse to wave off the obvious tear streaks and red-ringed eyes - but he’s crossed the room before you can think of something witty, dropping to his knees and placing a hand against your back. As though sensing your distress, a few of his D-evils appear like they’d been summoned, waddling into a tiny circle around you climbing over onto your lap and reaching up to you with tiny hands and sorrowful shrieks - you didn’t know unintelligible babble could sound so sympathetic, and the sight of them brings a watery, somewhat bitter smile to your trembling lips as Shiro begs you to tell him what’s wrong.

He tries his best to be comforting as he listens, rubbing circles into your back and cooing to you softly telling you not to push yourself, but once the words start flowing you couldn’t stop them if you tried the emotions all bubbling to the surface as clear as raw wounds burned into your flesh. You tell him about what’s hurting you - the anguish of waking up every morning and realizing that you don’t have anyone from your home; no parents, no siblings, no family to speak of. You’ve been trying to keep it in for so long, to forget about it and pour your focus into the life that you’re building in Tokyo now, but every passing day you just receive brutal reminders about just how alone you are. The pain is clear behind every word, as you recount every moment where you’ve seen students calling their parents, meeting up with their siblings and going out to visit family members for holidays; if it wasn’t for the life or death situations you keep getting dragged into you’d be spending all of those holidays alone while everyone else goes to spend time with the people that they love - you’d be all alone, just like when you’d first woken up. And that….that terrifies you - you just want to know if there’s anyone out there waiting for you. Is that really too much to ask?

He’s been fortunate with his own upbringing, having his parents only a phone call away; even though they were almost always busy with one thing or another he didn’t have to think twice about them not being there.So many things have happened since you’ve appeared in Tokyo, so many changes, and you stood on top of it all, seemingly unstoppable and unshakable by just about anything this world decided to throw out of you - you seemed invincible. So invincible that sometimes Shiro finds himself forgetting that beneath all of your powers and death defying feats you’re still you - a teenager, a student, a friend - and yet you’re the only one like you, with no family to call you own and no one to even reassure you that they were even okay out there, or out there at all. And he sees it only now, looking at you wiping uselessly at your eyes trying to temper the tears that continue to fall; you’ve been struggling with this for so long, all on your own, and Shiro kicks himself for not seeing it sooner.

Tentatively, Shiro reaches out, using his thumb to catch the tear hanging from your jaw. You look up at him, expression so lost and pained that his heart bleeds for the emotions swirling up in your eyes like a storm but he wipes away a few more tears before pulling out a cloth from his pocket and pressing it to your cheek, watching you lean against it and moving to take it from his hands. You don’t get to it first, instead three tiny clawed hands reach for it at once, pressing it back against your cheek and rubbing in a sloppy rhythm trying to dry up the dampness of your skin. Both you and Shiro look down where the D-evils are piled atop one another, the three that have their fists curled up in the handkerchief looking so concentrated that you let out a hoarse laugh. It isn’t enough to make you feel better, but the sight of them working so hard to stop your tears breaks the tension that had been building just a bit. Shiro mulls over his thoughts before he speaks, picking his words carefully. While he may not know the kind of things you’re dealing with in regards to your family, he tells you that you have a home here. Shiro knows that they can’t replace the parents or siblings you might have out there, but you still have people here who see you as one of their own, as an irreplaceable member of their family hose days you brighten just by existing. And you also have a home amongst many of them - and nowhere is that more apparent than with the Summoners; they’d never be the same without you, and he’s sure the others would agree with him when he says that they’d do anything for them. He hopes above all else that once this game is over you’ll get the answers you’re looking for - whether that’s being reunited with your family or just getting closure on what happened to them. Shiro really wishes that it’s the former, as he can’t even think about what could happen if you learnt that you had no blood relatives - but even without blood tying you all together, the Summoner’s are there for you if you want to go out and find that answer and he reinforces above all else that you aren’t alone in this - you’ll face this as a team, altogether.

Kengo

Kengo hears you weeping and that’s all it takes for him to near enough kick the door down in a bid to get to your first, and you practically choke on the sobs bubbling uncomfortably in the back of your throat startled at the sight of him charging into the guild house. You must look like a sight, as Kengo practically bristles with alarm when he looks at your face, contorted in agony and soaked in tears both shed and unshed as you fight to compose yourself. He thinks that someone’s responsible for you crying (which in a sense is right on the mark), you figure out as much when he demands that you tell him who hurt you, to pointed him in the direction of whoever it was and he telling you that he’ll sort it out for you before you know it. But when you laugh bitterly and say that if it your troubles could be fixed so easily you’d have done it the moment you’d gotten to Tokyo Kengo freezes. Even though you’re still crying you look angry - angry at something bigger than just a person - and Kengo knows then that something’s really up, something he might not be able to help with.

And yet he still sits down next to you and tells you to spill what’s happening - even if you don't know what he or anyone else can do about your issues he wants you to at least get it off your chest and you guys can go from there - hell, maybe talking about it will help you see what you’ve gotta do more clearly, it’s happened before. But maybe he should have thought before he’d said that, as a new wave of tears burn at your eyes, and you blink them away worrying your lip between your teeth as you try to find the right words to say, or rather, how best to explain what you’re dealing with without bursting into sobs again. There’s a few moments of silence, where you stare pointedly down at the floor willing your throat not to close up on you when you finally begin speaking and confide what’s been eating away at you for longer than you can remember. You don’t know when it started, when you no longer felt safe or comfortable in your dorm room, when your heart would clench at the sight of families milling about Tokyo’s streets going on with their lives without a care in the world. You don’t know when, but ever since you recognized it was there everything felt out of focus, like the rest of the world worked at one angle and you were just slightly off kilter, enough that you felt like the odd one out - a puzzle piece that didn’t fit into any of the puzzles you’ve found in Tokyo thus far. It was just annoying at first, something you could pretend to shake off and fake till you make it, but slowly, oh so slowly it started to dawn on you. That ‘puzzle’ you were trying to fit into was family - something you didn’t have, and you couldn’t even remember having any to begin with. Would it make you feel better knowing if anyone was out there? You have no idea, but the loneliness of not having someone like that around has been gnawing away at your insides until you felt like a hollow husk, the holes being filled by anger and grief until there was nowhere left for it to go but out of you. And it finally had, you’d broken, and Kengo had been right there to see it all happen, like a car crash in real time.

Kengo really doesn’t know what to say at first; his own family dynamic is pretty tumultuous to say the least, and he doesn't talk about them often if he can help it. So when it came to you and your whole lack of memories/family, he just kinda assumed that you didn't care too much about family like that, you just didn’t let it bother you - but apparently you did, because the idea of someone being out there was something you could only cling to for so long, and the cracks in that armor were tearing chunks off of your carefully maintained facade right before his eyes. He’s at a loss for words and he hates it, and you can see it in the way his firsts curl up against his legs, nails digging into the palm of his hands as he sticks you with a pointed stare. He tries to keep his mouth shut until you’ve got everything that you wanted to say out there, but when you suddenly choke out that you’ve got no one and curl up into yourself he all but jumps in and tells you to hold on so harshly that you flinch on instinct, eyes blown wide as you look at him for some kind of explanation.

His voice is firm when he declares that family ain’t about blood, surely you’ve seen first hand that that’s the case, right? You’ve gotten plenty of people who would do anything for you, who would live and breathe and fight so that you can live your best life and pursue your goals. And if you need an example you’ve got a hell of a bunch of em right in front of you - The Summoners have cried, laughed and shed blood sweat and tears together, going through more ups and downs that would have broken some of the strongest family units - but not you guys. If all that doesn’t make the Summoners the best shoddily formed found family anyone could find within Tokyo’s walls, then he doesn’t know what to do. Your family’s right here for whatever direction you’re planning on taking; where you go, they’ll follow, after all, someone’s gotta make sure you’ve got the right people watching your back right? And if your path is to go out there and look for the family beyond Tokyo’s borders then they’ll be right behind you then too! He knows it ain’t gonna be easy, and that the answers that you find may not be the ones that you’re hoping for, but whatever you wanna do they’ll all be by your side when you make that decision - cause that’s what family does! He just hopes you aren’t planning on going without them though, cause he’ll be damned if he isn’t stubborn enough to follow you across the world so you aren’t along on that journey!

Ryota

Ryota panics at the sight of you crying on the guild floor when he stumbles in. He’d had a feeling that you weren't feeling too good but he really hadn’t meant to stumble upon you like this. On more than one occasion you’d confessed that sometimes when you’re feeling down you just need some time for yourself, to sort out your thoughts on your own, and while Ryota didn’t feel right about you being upset all on your own he’d promised you at the time that he’d keep that in mind and give you the space that you need should it ever happen. But seeing you now curled up on the guild floor, pounding at the ground with your fists as howls of grief tear through the silence of the room he just can’t turn around and leave, he just can’t. He’s by you in an instant, arms wrapping around you and holding you tightly as you immediately twist in his hold and grab fistfulls of his shirt, pulling tight as you bury your head against his shoulder crying until his shirt feels wet with your tears. It takes a long while before you calm down enough to find your voice again, and even then it takes a few times cringing at how sore your face feels as you pull away from Ryota and look up into his face. Ryota tries to give you his brightest smile, as though hoping it will be enough to get you to smile too, instead more tears blur your vision and you have to force yourself to look away, staring daggers at a spot on the far end of the room until the white noise in your head clears and you no longer feel like you’re going to break down in his arms again. He’s almost scared to ask you what’s wrong, but the question topples out of his mouth before he can think to stop himself, and he feels and sees you tense as though steeling yourself for the upcoming conversation. You don’t have to answer, you’re sure Ryota would let you forget about this whole thing if you really wanted to, but you do, letting the words seep out blunt and to the point.

When you talk about your family and home, or more accurately lack there of his heart breaks. You’ve been thinking about it so much recently that it encompasses your every thought - it keeps you awake at night and finds a new part of your consciousness to burrow into until you feel as though you’re going to have to pry your brain apart with your own hands just to get those damn thoughts to stop. It’s not as though you even have family to remember, but somehow that just makes the pain even worse and you feel sick whenever you try to wrack what few memories you have, desperately searching for some kind of link that will help you piece together who you truly are and coming up empty handed each and every time. He can’t imagine having nowhere to go back to, no family to turn to when you need a hug and a reminder that you’re loved and here; and having no knowledge of where you’re from or who’s out there waiting for you on top of all that? It’s a wonder you’ve been able to keep this all bottled up for so long. Or maybe you haven’t bottled it up at all, and no one’s taken any notice of what you’re dealing with up until this point - that thought makes him feel guilty, although he knows that there was really no way he could have known. Sure the thought had crossed his mind, but Ryota had thought that you would have told him if it really was something that was hurting you like this.

He’s still holding you, hoping to comfort you through holding you as close as possible as he tries to encourage you. He tells you not to give up hope just yet - he’s sure that they’re all out there just waiting for you to come home. Whether they’re right around the corner or far away h’s sure they’re missing you just as much as you miss them, and he knows nothing’s going to stop you from going out and finding them - when you put your mind to something you fight until you achieve it, you’ve shown it time and time again, and this time is no different! You’re going to find them, if anyone can it’s you, he just knows it! It may hurt to imagine them out there not knowing where you are or what's happened to you, but you know that Ryota’s trying to remain hopeful for your sake - he truly believes in you, you can see it in the way that he looks back at you with such ernest conviction that you feel as though you’re going to start bawling all over again. But you don’t, instead fighting back the emotions simmering back to the surface as you give him a smile, strained, but enough to convey to him that his words got through to you.

He doesn’t stop at just comforting you though. He promises that he’s going to help you find your family, to find the place that you called home no matter where it is (even though the thought of parting ways with you physically pains Ryota to even think about) And he’s not the only one who would help you find them. The other Summoners and the rest of the friends you’ve made on your journey would do so at the drop of a hat - they’re all going to help you, and once this is all over you can introduce them all to each other! He’s already talking about all the kinds of stories your parents must have about you, all the stuff they can share that would probably make you both laugh and get embarrassed hearing about all the silly stuff you did when you were younger. It’s a bittersweet thought, but coming from Ryota it almost seems feasible again, like this isn’t just some long lost dream that’s out of your reach but something you can actually go out there and do, just like you always have. But even if you don't know where your birth family is, or where to even start when it comes to the search, you’ve still got a family right here - afterall you’re all like one big family, right?

Toji

Toji hears you crying before he opens the door, pausing just shy of holding the handle as he catches the sound of your muffled whimpers coming from the other side of the door. It’s a pitiful noise, like a wounded animal, but there’s a raw emotion behind it that he immediately knows that it’s a cry of real, primal pain. His fingers flex against the handle, contemplating whether he should go in there and confront you or to just leave and give you a moment to bear your soul without the threat of being disturbed, but he knows that he just can’t leave you, your voice nags and tugs at his very soul, pulling his body to grab the handle clutching it tight. He takes a deep breath to steel himself and opens the door, and as your crying turns into full on sobbing no longer muted by the door that separates you the sound pierces through him as though you’ve stabbed him. There’s an uncomfortable silence between you when you turn and realize that you’re no longer alone, and you turn away just as fast, trying to play it off and saying that you didn’t hear him come in as you wipe inconspicuously at your eyes with your sleeve attempting but failing to pass it off as sneeze. When you dare to look back at him Toji’s expression is serious as he stares at you, and you’re trying to gauge how far you could get away from this moment if you plowed past him and ran away when he asks you what happened, voice level and careful to mask his emotions on the matter in favor of being upfront with his approach. He watches your eyes dart to the door behind him, where he sees them red as a testament to just how long you’d been left alone like this, but then after a moment or two you shuffle into a sitting position, gesturing to the space across from you as you try to work out exactly how you’re going to broach this topic when he moves to sit down in the direction you’re pointing to.

He gives you the time to find the words, patient and not pushing which you appreciate as you open and close your mouth a few times. And when you do start to explain, to talk about the thoughts that have been plaguing you for too long to remember, he listens the whole time, silent in favor of giving you a chance to get it all off of your chest. You try to keep it brief, but you’ve been keeping this all to yourself for so long that you’re rambling before you can even worry about oversharing; you confess about how lonely you’ve been feeling, a though you can’t connect to anybody like the others can, and just how alone you are with no family to even remember let alone even talk about. You want to hope you have someone out there, but if you have you there’s nothing to remember them by; no keepsake or photo to hold close and remind you that there’s someone out there waiting to welcome you back home, not even memories. You only have your dreams, fabricated imaginings of what your family could be like, but all they do is leave you sobbing, waking up with arms outstretched trying to reach out for the people you can’t get to so many times that it makes you sick to think about. Every thought pours out into the open, like a broken faucet of words and thoughts and ramblings until you finally catch yourself and grind to a halt, casting a nervous look over in Toji’s direction. He’s quiet when you finish and look back at him, still looking at you intently, and you feel as though you’ve severely overstepped when his voice breaks you out of your train of thought.

The aspect of family is unfamiliar to Toji - with no parents or blood family to speak of he feels as though he’s not the best suited to comfort you, and yet he understands the thoughts that you’ve been suffering with, in fact he understands them far too well. Those long nights of wondering ‘what if’ have come to him at certain times throughout his life, especially when he was younger. What if things were better? What if my family was here with me right now? Would they protect me? Guide me? Remind me that there’s always a home to come back to? It’s enough to keep anyone awake, and he’s sure that you’ve dealt with similar nights of being lost to your own thoughts. He dislikes the thought of you having to battle with those questions like he has, and he’s sure you’ve got even more concerns you haven’t confided in him yet - he’s not going to push you, but he can tell from the expression that you cast him that there’s more under the surface, he just hopes you’ll confide those to him before it all forces its way to the surface.

Whilst he can't speak for your family, nor can he speak for those who may or may not be a part of your life, he can speak for himself when he says that whatever may come about from your search for answers he will stand by your side until you find what you’re looking for as well as long after that. You have more of a family and home here than you may realize; naturally it is hastily formed and with more than a few slip ups in the journey to reach your goals, but the bonds that you have all forged together run deeper than the blood that runs beneath their skin - and should you ever need them when you get the answers you’re looking for you should know that they will be right there, just a call away until all of those thoughts you’ve been struggling with are quashed and resolved, one way or another.

Moritaka

At the sight of you crying Moritaka is almost immediately on guard looking for answers on what’s caused you to cry - what happened? Were you hurt? Did something occur while he was gone? But there’s no injuries that he can see, at least there’s nothing physical, but you’re crying with such a haunting wail that the noise strikes somewhere deep within his chest and the entire room seems to grow pallid at the very sound. It’s a cry of true pain, as though you're calling out for someone who won't come no matter how hard you weep or bawl; he recognizes that tone more than he would like to admit, and so he approaches the matter delicately, announcing his presence to allow you a moment to compose yourself before he steps in and walks over to you. Moritaka is understanding as he places a hand on your shoulder, affirming that he’s here for you if you need to unload whatever is burdening you, or if you just need the company; there’s sympathy behind his words, but no pity which you’re grateful for, if you had to deal with pity right now you’d probably have another emotional break all over again, and you’re eager to avoid it. When you ask him to sit by you for a little while he doesn’t hesitate to join you, setting down his things and sitting down on the floor beside you; the silence is only broken by the sound of your voice, still shaky and trembling from the minutes that you’ve spent pouring your heart out all on your own but determined to get it all off of your chest, once and for all.

He’s a welcome ear, making out what you’re saying between hiccups and sniffles, and the picture gradually begins to form as you continue to explain exactly what’s been happening ever since you’ve arrived in Tokyo. You’ve been plagued by thoughts of family and belonging, more specifically about if you really have anyone out there at all; if you had they’d be out right now looking for you, right? Surely if they cared about you they’d be working as tirelessly as you have to bring you home and prove that your existence means something to them...right? But it’s been weeks, months even, and there’s still no sign of anyone. Even the people who claim you’re family don’t actually see you, they see the ones that inhabit your body as though you’re just walking talking guess who that people force their identities upon for the sake of dealing with their own grief. If your family does find you how are you even supposed to know it’s them and not just another person who sees someone else within you? You’re sick of being called someone you’re not, and each encounter just makes you long more and more for the day that your existence, the existence of yourself here and now will be validated, whether it’s by the people who raised you, or the people who grew up with you. At this point, you’ll take any sign you can get, but you don’t have any, and that crushes you. Moritaka cannot begin to fathom the scope of what that must be like, but what he does fathom is that he knows the pain for yearning for family too well - having lost his own the thought of them still stings like a fresh wound. It’s bittersweet, a mixture of the good and bad memories merging together to make him the man that he is today - he knows their fate, knows what happened to them. But you don’t, and not having that knowledge, that closure, must be eating away at you more than words can describe. You seem to realize what you’re saying as you wipe your eyes and try to apologize for getting so carried away but he stops your apologies with assurances that you don’t need to be sorry for speaking what’s on your mind.

He tells you that he cannot imagine not having those memories of families to recall - and knowing you don't have those to call your own is a pain few can understand let alone cope with. It’s something that Moritaka wouldn’t wish on anyone, and to have one of his closest friends suffering through such a fate with no lifeline or lead to cling to for hope pains him - he doesn’t want to see you go through that, and yet it’s your reality, and you don’t have to suffer through it alone. Moritaka pauses for a moment, as though trying to weight whether he should say his next words, but then he begins to speak again. He tells you that whilst knowing who your family is may provide you the comfort that you’re seeking, family isn't always determined by blood - this is a lesson that Moritaka found himself learning from a young age with Yoshiro

Family can be the people you choose to include in your life, those who are there for you in your darkest moments; a shoulder to cry on and a hand to pill you up. They’re the ones who cheer you on and push you to become a better version of yourself as you strive towards your goals knowing that no matter how many times you fall there will always be hands reaching out to catch you and guide you back onto that fateful trek forward. Family comes in many forms, and whilst he won't push these ideas any further as to not make you uncomfortable, Moritaka tells you that you have family here in Tokyo, closer than you may thing, and they're all going to be there to catch you when you fall and pick you back up, encouraging you on your path until you can get the answers tat you’re really seeking. And, if you’re comfortable viewing him as such, he hopes that you’ll come to see him as part of that family too.

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datheetjoella · 4 years ago

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Fantober 2020, Day 23: Neighbours

Author: DatHeetJoella Fandom: Free! Pairing: MakoHaru Rating: T Part: 23/31 (read the full collection here) Word count: 1,841 Tags: Canonverse, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Love Confession, First Kiss Read at: AO3, FFn, or right here!

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One of the biggest changes Haruka had to get used to when he moved to Tokyo was the distance. In Iwatobi, everywhere he needed to go was a stone’s throw or a bike ride away, whether it be school or the swim club or the shopping centre or even just the beach. Compared to the small, rural town he grew up in, this metropolis was overwhelmingly large. Here, the only places that happened to be within walking distance were the pool and the convenience store around the corner. For everything else, he had to catch a train. That included Makoto’s apartment.

For as long as he could remember, Makoto and he had been neighbours. Removed by one stairwell, Haruka's house was located a bit higher than Makoto's, but their bedroom windows faced one another. If the curtains were drawn back, they could see each other without any trouble. Although it was a bit too far for them to be able to talk without yelling across the street and disturbing the whole town, they found other ways to communicate - before they got their cellphones, that was. They’d hold up notes to ask the other something without having to leave the house first. They were usually questions like 'do you want to come over?' or 'shall we go to the playground?', but a request of 'can you bring your colouring book?' wasn't uncommon either.

Ever since middle school, Haruka would occasionally sneak a glance underneath the curtains after he went to bed to see if the lights in Makoto’s room were still on. If they were, he'd imagine Makoto had fallen asleep while playing a game or was cramming for an upcoming history test. During the times his parents were gone and he was left alone in the house, those thoughts brought him comfort. It made him feel less lonely knowing Makoto was near.

When he made the decision to go to a university in Tokyo too, Haruka had hoped this would stay the same. But Makoto hadn't proposed to room together and there was no way he would bring that up himself, and all the other apartments in the complex had been rented out already. The closest place Haruka could find between Makoto's apartment and his school was thankfully on the same train line, but Makoto still felt farther away than ever.

After a few months, Haruka had become somewhat accustomed to it, but it remained a bit strange. At night, he sometimes felt like the city was swallowing him whole, but Makoto and he kept in touch on days they couldn't meet and that soothed the ache just a little.

In the end, the journey might've been troublesome, but the destination was always worth it. When Makoto's building came into sight, the knot inside his stomach unfurled.

Because of his work at the pool, Makoto came over to Haruka's place more than Haruka went to his. To balance it out, he made an effort to go to Makoto on their days off. They had plans to study and eat dinner together, therefore Haruka stopped by the grocery store on the way here. He'd make a big pot of curry so they could both have some leftovers for the upcoming days - and because it was Makoto's favourite.

When he got to Makoto's door, he didn't as much as knock before he went inside. No matter how much distance separated them, Makoto's place would forever be his second home - though if it were up to him, it would be his first home. That was something he wouldn’t bring up, either.

"I'm coming in," Haruka said more out of habit than courtesy, letting the door fall shut behind him as he dropped his bags on the floor. He leaned down to untie his shoelaces.

Makoto looked up from where his nose was buried in his laptop. "Hey, Haru," he said with a smile, eyes crinkling behind his black-framed glasses. "I hope you don't mind that I started already. I have to write this six-page paper that is due on Tuesday and I've already been putting it off for long enough."

Haruka shook his head; Makoto's gentle smile erased the dark clouds fogging up his mind.

"What do you want to drink?" Makoto pushed himself off the floor. "I've got water, barley tea, coffee and… that's it."

Haruka frowned. "You don't even have milk?"

"Drank the last of it this morning," Makoto explained sheepishly, "If you want, I'll run over to the convenience store to get some."

"No, water is fine," Haruka said as he stuffed the curry ingredients into Makoto's disgustingly empty fridge. “Were you able to make some progress?”

“I’ve only written the introduction so far. But I’ll try my best to get it done today, and next time I’ll start earlier.”

A huff of amusement left Haruka’s nose. “You say that every time.”

“Because I want to start early, it’s just that there’s always something that comes in between and ruins my plans,” Makoto said as he carried their glasses over to the table.

“Don’t worry about helping with dinner then and use all the time you have to write.”

Makoto offered him a sweet smile that made Haruka’s insides feel like honey. “Thanks, Haru.”

Warmth rose to his cheeks and Haruka quickly busied himself with taking his books out of his bag. When his hand couldn’t find what he was searching for, he clicked his tongue.

“What’s wrong?” Makoto asked, eyebrows raised comically above his glasses.

“Forgot my notebook at home,” Haruka said with a sigh. What an idiot he was. How could he be so stupid to forget to bring the most important item to a study session?

“Sorry,” Makoto said as if he could’ve done anything to help it. “Do you want me to go get it?”

“No, it’s fine, you worry about your paper,” Haruka said, suppressing a smile at Makoto’s kindness - or perhaps it was another means of procrastination disguised as selflessness.

“This was easier back in high school,” Makoto said, “Then it wouldn’t take more than two minutes to go and fetch it.”

“If only we still lived so close.”

The words left Haruka automatically, without any input from his common sense. The instant he realised what he implied, he wanted to smack his head against the table. He hoped Makoto would brush it off as something small and unimportant, but he could never be that lucky, could he?

“Is that something you want? Living closer to each other?”

“No, I mean, I just-”

“Because I do. I would like for us to live closer.”

Makoto’s expression was dead serious and Haruka’s heart skipped a beat.

“Closer as in being neighbours again or closer as in being roommates?” Haruka asked as he tugged at a hangnail, unable to meet Makoto’s gaze.

“Closer as in living together,” Makoto said, picking his words carefully, and from the corner of his eye, Haruka could see his cheeks were rapidly darkening. “I mean, it would be easier for me too to live closer to my work and I already crash at your place so often that it’s kind of a waste to pay so much rent. But if that’s not something you want, then I understand.” He ended his rambling with awkward laughter and Haruka clenched his fists.

Suddenly feeling bold, Haruka mumbled, “I want it. I’ve always wanted it, but you didn’t ask me.”

Taken aback by that, Makoto said, “You didn’t ask me either. You asked me to come look for a place with you, so I assumed you wanted to continue living alone.”

“I didn’t,” Haruka said, “I was fine living by myself in Iwatobi, but here…”

He trailed off before he could spill more of his hearts contents. He didn’t know what overcame him, but the feelings he’d been hiding deep within himself for months now were threatening to unveil themselves completely unprompted. His feet were ready to make a run for it, but his knees were glued to the cushion. Had this conversation occurred in the past, he would’ve fled from the scene faster than the speed of light, but now he couldn’t leave. This had to happen.

“It’s lonely, isn’t it? I feel it too. I always knew living alone would be a challenge for me, but I hadn’t expected it to be quite this hard.” Makoto reached out to touch his hand. When Haruka didn’t pull back, he curled his fingers around his. “You know, every morning when I woke up, I would immediately open my curtains to see if you were awake too. Then I knew I could go straight to your house after breakfast without disturbing you and that made me feel close to you.”

Haruka’s mouth fell open in surprise. He thought he was odd for keeping such a close eye on Makoto’s bedroom window, but it turned out Makoto did it too. Perhaps they were a bit too in tune with each other.

“But now, all I have to know if you’re awake is a text. I’m happy to receive it, but it feels so impersonal, doesn’t it? Anyone could’ve typed those words, so it’s not the same as seeing your face and hearing your voice,” Makoto continued as he scratched at his cheek. “I don’t know, I just miss you when you’re not around, I guess. Sorry if that’s weird.”

“It’s not,” Haruka said and the dam shattered. “I want to be with you too. Every single day.”

This time, it was Makoto’s jaw that plummeted. “You want to be with me, as in, forever?”

Haruka nodded and he was pretty sure his face was starting to look like a perfectly-cooked lobster, but he couldn’t back down now.

“Does that mean you have feelings for me?” Makoto said slowly like one wrong word could make Haruka explode - which wasn’t outside of the realm of possibilities. “As in, romantic feelings?”

“Maybe it does.”

It was an evasive answer, but Makoto knew Haruka well enough to read between the lines. A huge smile lit up his handsome face. “Haru!” he said and he nearly tackled Haruka to the floor in a big hug. “I love you too.”

It wasn’t like Haruka expected anything else, but hearing Makoto say it so bluntly made his heart do a backflip of joy. Though bashfulness still coursed through his veins, he wrapped his arms tightly around Makoto. The feeling of Makoto’s chest pressed against his and his large hands on his back felt even better than he could’ve imagined.

Time froze around them when their eyes met. The gravitational pull towards Makoto’s mouth that Haruka had been resisting for months now was stronger than ever. There was no reason to combat it anymore, so Haruka let his eyes fall shut and leaned up. Their lips met in their very first kiss.

Makoto’s paper, Haruka’s homework and dinner could wait until later. At that moment, there was nothing they wanted to do more than to explore this new chapter in their relationship and their lives.

#i'm sorry i'm stupid #makoharu #makoharu fic #my fic #fantober2020 #colourful days with you

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johns-prince · 4 years ago

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Music Mix: John Lennon

1st || 2nd

The Hills || The Weeknd

I only fuck you when it's half past five The only time I'd ever call you mine I only love it when you touch me, not feel me When I'm fucked up, that's the real me When I'm fucked up, that's the real me, babe

In The Night || The Weeknd

He sang a song when he did it He was cold and he was so unforgiving Now she dances to the song on the minute Yeah, all the time, all the time It make her weak when she hear it

Uncomfortable || Chase Atlantic

I'm coming down heavy from the Adderall Borderline drowning in these messy thoughts I'll come down once I get some more This substance got a hold on me, I'm insecure

I'm hearing voices, what the fuck's that sound? I'm going through problems I shouldn't talk about I'm thinking it's over but, shit, I'll ride it out

No Friends || Chase Atlantic

I ain’t got no friends in this You should stay away, I fell aggressive I know I asked politely but I’m anxious And I don’t need you preachin’ ‘bout whatever I might lose my shit and leave forever

I ain't got no friends On the guest list, no I ain't got no friends On my mattress, no I ain't got no friends Oh, you an actress? Act this Walk the fuck away and don't look back, bitch

Heartless || The Weeknd

'Cause I'm heartless And I'm back to my ways 'cause I'm heartless All this money and this fame got me heartless Low life for life 'cause I'm heartless Said I'm heartless Tryna be a better man but I'm heartless Never be a wedding plan for the heartless Low life for life 'cause I'm heartless

I lost my heart and my mind I tried to always do right I thought I lost you this time You just came back in my life You never gave up on me (why don't you?) I'll never know what you see (why won't you?) I don't do well when alone (oh, yeah) You hear it clear in my tone

Therapy || All Time Low

My ship went down in a sea of sound When I woke up alone, I had everything A handful of moments, I wished I could change And a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade

Give me a therapy, I'm a walking travesty But I'm smiling at everything Therapy, you were never a friend to me And you can keep all your misery

Arrogant boy Love yourself so no one has to They're better off without you (They're better off without you)

Arrogant boy 'Cause a scene like you're supposed to They'll fall asleep without you You're lucky if your memory remains

I’m Still Here || John Rzeznik

I am a question to the world not and answer to be Heard or a moment that's held in your arms and what do you think you'd ever say I won't listen anyway you don't know me and I'll never be what you want me to be and what do you think you'd understand I'm a boy no, I'm a man You can't take me and throw me away And how can you learn what's never shown Yeah you stand here on your own They don't know me Cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real Wanna touch things I don't feel Wanna hold on and feel I belong And how can the world want me to change They're the ones that stay the same They don't know me Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see All you wanted I could be Now you know me and I'm not afraid And I wanna tell you who I am Can you help me be a man They can't break me As long as I know who I am

They can't see me But I'm still here

Silhouette || Owl City

I'm tired of waking up in tears, 'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears I'm new to this grief I can't explain; But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain The fire I began, is burning me alive But I know better than to leave and let it die I'm a silhouette asking every now and then Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again? I'm a Silhouette chasing rainbows on my own But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone So I watch the summer stars to lead me home I'm sick of the past I can't erase, A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace, The mountains of things that I still regret, Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget (No matter where I go)

Get Off My Back || Bryan Adams

Well you think that you can take me on You must be crazy There ain't a single thing you've done That's gonna phase me Oh, but if you want to have a go I just wanna let you know

Get off my back! And into my game Get out of my way! And out of my brain Get outta my face! Or give it your best shot I think it's time you better face the fact Get off of my back!

I’m Born to Run || American Authors

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come Do whatever I want like I'm born to run I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo I wanna be careless even if I break my bones I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

Mad Hatter Cover || Toogla

I'm nuts, baby, I'm mad The craziest friend that you've ever had You think I'm psycho, you think I'm gone Tell the psychiatrist something is wrong Over the bend, entirely bonkers You like me best when I'm off my rocker Tell you a secret, I'm not alarmed So what if I'm crazy? The best people are

Déjà Vu || 3oh!3

Mister bartender, you will kick me out And the blond girl in the back, you'll put your tongue down my mouth And the greaser in the jacket's gonna pick a fight And they'll probably kick my ass 'cause I'm drunk every night

Officer, officer, tell me the truth How many times can I get in trouble with you Before they lock me up for all the bad things that I do But you don't and that's why this feels like déjà vu

Everywhere I Go || Hollywood Undead

When I start drinking My dick does all my thinking Hoes want to be scene with me And I like their big fake titties D cup with extra filling Take it out let me lick it quickly Calm down its just a hickie I'll blame it on this whisky sipping gets me tipsy Drink fast and enjoy your buzz Take back street to avoid the fuzz I wanna take you home but your friends won't let ya I gotta 40 in my ford fiesta Buy beer Or pay the rent My signing bonus was quickly spent So I beat my meat like I'm a fucking butcher And I punk the pussy like I'm Ashton Kutcher!

Afraid || The Neighborhood

All my friends always lie to me I know they're thinking You're too mean, I don't like you, fuck you anyway You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs It hurts but I won't fight you You suck anyway You make me wanna die, right when I

When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place

Being me can only mean Feeling scared to breathe If you leave me then I'll be afraid of everything That makes me anxious, gives me patience, calms me down Lets me face this, let me sleep, and when I wake up Let me breathe

Take What You Want || Post Malone ft. Ozzy Osbourne

I feel you crumble in my arms down to your heart of stone You bled me dry just like the tears you never show Why don't you take what you want from me? Take what you need from me Take what you want and go Why don't you take what you want from me? Take what you need from me Take what you want and go

I never needed anything from you ...And all I ever asked was for the truth (all I ever asked was for) You showed your tongue and it was forked in two Your venom was lethal, I almost believed you (almost believed you) Yeah, you preyed on my every mistake Waited on me to break, held me under hopin' I would drown Like a plague, I was wasting away Tryna find my way out, find my way out (find my way out)

Mantra || Bring Me the Horizon

Before the truth will set you free, it'll piss you off Before you find a place to be, you're gonna lose the plot Too late to tell you now, one ear and right out the other one 'Cause all you ever do is chant the same old mantra

Breaking the Habit || Linkin Park

I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I’ll never be alright

Bleed it Out || Linkin Park

Filthy mouth, no excuse Find a new place to hang this noose String me up from atop these roofs Knot it tight so I won't get loose

Truth is you can stop and stare Bled myself out and no one cares Dug a trench out, laid down there With a shovel up out of reach somewhere

Mama, help me, I've been cursed Death is rolling in every verse Candy paint on his brand new hearse

Can't contain him; He knows he works Fuck this hurts, I won't lie Doesn't matter how hard I try Half the words don't mean a thing

Figure.09 || Linkin Park

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them Sometimes I wonder why this is happenin' It's like nothing I can do would distract me when I think of how I shot myself in the back again 'Cause from the infinite words I can say I Put all pain you gave to me on display But didn't realize instead of setting it free I Took what I hated and made it a part of me

....

Hearing your name the memories come back again I remember when it started happening I see you n' every thought I had and then The thoughts slowly found words attached to them And I knew as they escaped away I was committing myself to em n' everyday I regret saying those things 'cause now I see that I Took what I hated and made it a part of me

Lying From You || Linkin Park

When I pretend Everything is what I want it to be I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see When I pretend I can forget about the criminal I am Stealing second after second just cause I know I can, but I can't pretend this is the way it will stay, I'm just (Trying to bend the truth) I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be

....

I remember what they taught to me Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be Remember listening to all of that and this again So I pretended up a person who was fitting in And now you think this person really is me and I'm (trying to bend the truth) But the more I push The more I'm pulling away

Lithium || Nirvana

I'm so happy because today I've found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you We've broken our mirrors

...

I'm so lonely but that's okay I shaved my head And I'm not sad And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard But I'm not sure I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there But I don't care I'm so horny but that's okay My will is good

#john lennon #john lennon mix

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midrashic · 6 years ago

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[headcanon] a map of hidden places i: new york city

{ a map of hidden places }

the first time james visits new york is more accident than anything; there’s a weapons expo and it’s january, and surely new york in january can’t be any more unpalatable than scotland in january. there are restaurants and boutiques whose names were, even then, synonymous with luxury, but james spends most of his time in the hotel room with the nanny playing with the puzzle ball he’d received that christmas. enid takes him to the natural history museum to see the mammoth bones, to central park to stare at the bare, shivering tree skeletons while he mounds old snow into various blobby shapes.

he doesn’t remember any of this; by the time he’s ten, new york is just a vague smear of concrete and solitude in his imagination, a glimpse of a faded marble facade that blends into all the other glimpses of all the other cities of everywhere else his father has ever had a conference.

for years, there’s the odd holiday abroad with his aunt, a trip with a school friend whose father owns a major hotel in the city or something. then there’s the navy. he learns new york in thirty-six hour stretches of shore leave, and he learns new york through the eyes of dozens of royal navy sailors, which mainly means that he learns very fast which bars near the harbor serve something roughly as strong as paint thinner for a measly two dollars per drink, or a dozen for a twenty.

but he learns other things, too. he saves up the days of walking on solid earth for the weeks when his feet won’t touch dry land and wanders into the neighborhoods that his well-to-do parents and guardians never let him anywhere near: bushwick, the lower east side, basically all of the bronx. new york city’s just hit its peak for violent crime, though someone only attempts to mug him once and gets a broken jaw for his trouble besides. the strangest thing for a brit is the gunshots that will ring out randomly, multiple times a night, but that’s true for every american city he’s ever visited.

he experiments with the subway. the tube in the 80s and 90s was no picnic, but hell, he learns, is a suspiciously empty new york subway car.

one strange thing: over the course of one particular weekend, he runs into a girl he slept with on shore leave in kingstown in a pizzeria named something uncreative like “48th street pizza,” an old university professor in a rare book store, a boy who was in the class above him at eton in bryant park, and then the girl again at a bar that night. (there is indeed a repeat performance.) this is a statistically accurate sampling of how often he recognizes a face from his past. back then, it was the third-largest city in the world, after tokyo and osaka, but it could sometimes feel very fatalistically small.

& then he’s in new york fairly often as a junior agent, but he doesn’t really tap the veins of the city until he’s a double-oh.

the thing about new york is that, for all that you tend to run into people you haven’t seen in years fairly frequently, it’s a great place to disappear. there’s no way to cover every possible exit when planning an ambush and a thousand laundromats, bars, and, hell, magic shops to duck into when you’re being tailed. vaguely seedy fleatraps that bill themselves as “youth hostels” where you can rent a room for four months and leave without anyone having asked you your name. the city seems to boast a disproportionate number of people sitting alone in the corners of coffeeshops, bars, hotel lobbies. it’s the first thing he thinks of when the name shows up in a mission briefing or news article: the pure relief of being quietly ignored, of being anyone, of being no one. he kills a drug kingpin and sips espresso at a café patio ten feet away as the police begin to boredly take statements. he garrotes a man in a bodega bathroom and no one notices for three days because it’s always out of order anyway. new york makes it so easy, so very easy to let a face become a file become a statistic. it has a carelessness with its people that he’s used to seeing in the third world, in places where the corruption is overt, in places that don’t even pretend to have a functioning police system. new york doesn’t care about you.

it also makes it so very easy to pick people up.

in a lot of ways, new york is a lot like london. it’s not every city in the world where you can get a sandwich at four am because the son of a bitch you were surveilling spent five hours haggling over uranium shipments with his contact, which was four hours and fifty minutes longer than he needed to spend. there’s a certain level of mercenary profit-seeking required to keep a sandwich shop open all night, damn circadian rhythms.

but new york takes it to excess. in london, you can probably find 24/7 takeaway within a reasonable walking distance, but in new york, you’re guaranteed to have at least five in the immediate neighborhood and eight more if you’re willing to go a little further for a substantial uptick in quality. during a particularly frustrating bit of downtime not longer after the quantum incident, bond strolls into a midnight karate class for no other reason than he’s bored and wants to see what kind of people can only do karate in the middle of the night. it’s a surprisingly friendly bunch, two night shift workers, a sleep-deprived college student, a jumpy little tweaker, and a single mother who decides to do this with her scant two hours of free time weekly. it’s taught by a petite woman who hits with the precision of an architect and used to practice jiu-jitsu competitively until a back strain caused her to switch to a sport with more standing and less rolling around on the ground.

he does try to sleep with her, but they actually end up sharing a platter of nachos in between (fittingly) manhattans at a bar and chatting about differences in karate conditioning techniques and shitty b-movies. the bartender joins in for the latter. he walks away that morning to another endless round of negotiation with the cia feeling strangely refreshed for a man who got no sleep and no sex.

bond ends up censoring his new york reports more than any other locale, not because missions go wrong in new york more often than anywhere else, but because they tend to go wrong in utterly baffling and sometimes embarrassing ways when he’s in new york. in the reports, he changes the timely plague mask-wearing flash mob that allowed him to escape his pursuer to a traffic jam, the girl wearing a dress made of lettuce that beat a terrorist into submission with her tomato purse into a well-placed police officer, the message he got painted on his nails in gold glitter to a simple note (it worked, the fsb searched him and found nothing and apparently manicured men in brioni are common enough in the city that no one even gave him a second look). new york is many things, but it spits on the dignity of the profession.

felix hates new york, hilariously. he calls it “the big asshole.” he hates the garbage sitting out on the streets, the way you can never tell whether a puddle is rain or urine, the flimsy little metrocards, the food deserts, the traffic, my god, the traffic. (bond has to agree: it’s bad. he once walked to laguardia instead of waiting for a taxi.) the only places he hates more than new york are minnesota and south sudan, which are the foreseeable consequences of a boy from texas spending his first winter away from home in the midwest and being a sane person with a functioning sense of smell. but for some reason, international criminals turn up in new york a lot more often than they do in ann arbor or south sudan, so felix has no choice but to spend sometimes weeks or months at a time in his third-least-favorite place in the world.

(bond knows why he really hates new york: in 2003 he was chasing a jewel smuggler and ran straight into a fruit cart. he was washing fruit juice out from behind his ears for a week and he lost the target. after that, anyone would hate this place.)

when bond is in midtown west, he makes a point of stopping by the trenta tre pizzeria, which boasts pizza that isn’t oily, isn’t too chewy or crisp, and boasts a sauce with a salty-to-sweet balance of flavors that make his eyes roll back in his head. he’s had the real deal, pizza lovingly crafted by hand, topped with buffalo mozzarella, and wood-fired in a tiny neapolitan back room. he knows better than to tell an italian--or anyone who he needs to think of him as a well-traveled sophisticate--but he prefers this.

coincidentally, the pizzeria is located next to a bodega that displays its fruit on wooden stands on the sidewalk. behind the peaches lives a cat, well-fed and sleek and a shameless thief of chicken parm pizza toppings. he doesn’t know her name--the owner is from rural ethiopia and doesn’t speak english, mandarin, arabic, french, german, spanish, russian, or any of the four other languages bond speaks--but in his head he’s named her selina after that greatest of feline burglars, catwoman. selina is good company after a violent mission, and almost never sheds on him, which is more than he can say about the other cats in his life. if he lingers after the pizza to pet her a little longer, no one needs to know.

the events, the new trends, the previews, the releases, blah blah blah. the access is touted more than it actually matters. he’s sure that- if he actually lived in new york he would appreciate the convenience of dwelling in the obligatory stop of every tour and the go-to place to drum up media attention. but he doesn’t and he has enough frequent flier miles that his grandchildren will probably be getting complimentary upgrades and if he really wants to be at the premiere of a much-hyped performance of la traviata he’ll make it there somehow. he does notice that the access has given new yorkers a strange sense entitlement--when a fashionable event happens someplace other than new york, the resentment is deeper, the sense of loss sharper--as if everything important should happen in new york. still. he brings home a tea flavored with the newly discovered ruby chocolate months before it becomes widely available as a souvenir for q. there are compensations.

when q finally punches down his fear of air travel for long enough to make it to new york, bond keeps him out of manhattan. they drift around brooklyn and queens, wandering streets balanced on the knife edge of an existence that is almost suburban--dogs everywhere and strollers between the specialty shops and markets. they sit in a soda fountain famous for its egg creams and share a sundae named after elvis. q orders three different sodas--he’s a connoisseur of exotic beverages--and pronounces the house blend the best cherry soda he’s ever tasted. bond smiles at him around his ice cream float. the place is packed, every seat filled, but here, at a little round table tucked into the corner, he and q might as well be invisible, being aggressively ignored by everyone except the soda jerks. just two people, forcefully alone together. the last two people in the world.

#007 fest #teambondvillains #fandom: this is the end #relship: your loving arms (keeping me from harm)#ch: secret agent man #ch: shiny new steamship #event: gee brain what do you want to do tonight 2019 #ella headcanons #series: a map of hidden places

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noirlevity · 4 years ago

Text

Mismatch Final Chapter

Pairing: Nase Hiroomi/Kanbara Akihito Fandom: Kyoukai no Kanata A03 || ffnet Synopsis:

“What if your mark doesn’t match with mine?” Hiroomi said a little bit shy while the were playing in the sand box.

Little Akkey had been very sure they would match.

“We would match!” Akkey flashed a smile at Hiroomi. He grabbed the raven head boy’s hand, held it tightly, firmly, as though nothing would ever make the boy think they would ever be apart ever.

The gesture was like a promise, an assurance, and it felt permanent and true.

Goodbyes don’t always mean the end, sometimes they signify new beginnings. Leaving was the only way for Hiroomi to start afresh. This way, he could forget everything. This was not a sudden decision. He considered it for a long time before deciding. However, he never managed to have the guts to get with the decision. Swamped with responsibilities as a spirit world warrior, he often wondered whether or not it was really possible to leave. At that time, it seemed it was not. When he was finally freed from his powers and responsibility, it was as if he just woke up from a dream. The chains that bound him to the dull and hectic life of a spirit world warrior was finally cut. A new path opened up at him. He was finally free to do whatever he wanted. He could go anywhere he wanted to go; work anywhere he wanted. It was a blessing really. This was something he never thought he would ever be grateful for. Having powers was nice. It felt good when he was relied on by others. But while the power he used to wield made him feel superior, stronger, blessed, he also felt trapped being thrown into a destiny he did not consent to. Despite this, he never thought it was a curse. Well, not until he was tasked to kill someone he held dear in his heart. The thought of killimh him was nothing. He didn’t have any problems with it at the beginning. After all, a monster should be put down no matter what. But things changed. He got to know the person. He got to know the person behind the person and started caring. That’s why when he was confronted with that choice, he struggled. Before he knew it, a feeling was growing inside of him. And the pain that it caused was not something he could easily compare to something. The consequence of those feelings was heartbreak and broken promises. He knew it was useless to hope for something more; to expect something that was hopeless from the very beginning. It was okay. He assured himself. He saw it coming. That is why the only thing he could do was bask in the pain, feel it and move on. He’s moving on. He’s going to move on. By leaving he could escape from it all--from the fact that he was never his to begin with no matter how much he assured him. Their different marks were proof of it. He will put everything behind. Now, he wants something different. He wants to try a different path, a path that he will be happy and satisfied. He is going to Tokyo for university. Because he is smart and worked hard for his exams, he was accepted in the most prestigious school in the country’s capital. There was no stopping him. He rented an apartment in a good neighborhood. Blocks away from his University. Living alone was great. He enjoyed the independence that he had. Now setting his eyes on to becoming a writer, he was determined to do whatever it takes for him to succeed. He worked part time jobs for extra money. Sometimes he would go out with his classmates to eat and would indulge their invites for a goukon from time to time. Hiroomi wasn’t really into goukons. Especially when he knew he would never fall for a girl. He was sure he was more into guys than girls. Sometimes though, he wonders what would happen if his soulmate was a girl. Surely, that would be a pain. It was his second year of university when he met that person. Their meeting was more of a coincidence when he bumped into him when he was going home after work. They were both at one place at the same time. At this time, Hiroomi has given up on finding his fated person. Through the years, he stopped believing that he had one. That is until he met him.

He witnessed how Akihito and Mirai reacted to each other when they found out they were each other's' soulmates. In the past, he found it almost absurd and ridiculous. But now, Akkey’s description made sense. It was unlike anything Hiroomi had ever imagined. When they bumped into each other he was surprised that his soul mark glowed. It hurt a little bit as a warm feeling spread from his limbs to his fingertips. All of his nerves were in haywire when he looked up to see what was the cause of that sensation. When he finally saw his face, it was as if he was knocked out of air. He couldn’t stand still. When their hands finally touched, it felt as if something exploded within him. His soulmate smiled, grabbed his hand and squeezed it. That’s when he knew that he was going to be happy as well. The universe had someone for him. Even at that moment of recognition a faint memory played in his mind,

“We’ll be together forever, Hiroomi!”

He was surprised at this sudden recollection. Why now? Why did he remember Akkey’s irresponsible words? Without realizing it, tears streamed down his face. His soulmate panicked at seeing him cry.

“What’s wrong?” The other fumbled trying to find a handkerchief.

“No, I'm fine. I just remembered something.”

---------

Akira was an engineer. Whenever he and Hiroomi were together, people would always compliment how well they suit each other. Akira was tall; a head taller than Hiroomi. He was born with emphatic brown eyes that would make any woman or man melt when they stare at you. His large hands compliment his long and slender legs. Beside Hiroomi, he gets even more charming—his eyes sparkle every time he looks at him. When people see them together, it was clear that he treasured him.

Jokes are Akira’s expertise and Hiroomi laughs heartily at them whenever he cracks them. Hiroomi is clingy most of the time. One of his favorite things is looking at how their marks glow when they are together. Every time they make love, he gets turned on even more when he sees it. It was like an assurance that happiness was there and he didn’t need to do anything to achieve it. Yet, sometimes, he still wondered about the things that could have been.

It's not something to be proud of. He knows this. In fact, he feels guilty every time their soulmarks glow he remembers about that promise. He remembers about the kiss and the questions that ran through his mind at that time.

When this happens, it was a habit for him to smoke. Somehow the menthol makes him forget. He becomes less guilty as he takes a drag.

------

The trundle of the train was deafening, the hubbub disturbed Akkey very much. It was his first time going to Tokyo. He wasn’t expecting that the city would be very busy. People walked to and fro. Some were checking their watches from time to time and tapping their feet on the ground as they waited.

The ticket that he held in his hand fluttered as a train passed him by. He thought about a lot of things as he stared at it. He thought whether or not moving to Tokyo was the right thing to do.

----

There were a lot of letters piling on Mihara’s desk, Hiroomi’s agent. He was having trouble sorting those out. Hiroomi came in wearing a polo shirt that made him look presentable and neat.

“Hey.”

“Oh, Nase-kun, nice work, did you finish?”

“Yes~” Hiroomi smiles widely.

“Did you finally decide on a title?”

“Yup! Thanks to you Mihara-san I finally figured it all out. I hope people will be accommodating this time as well.”

“I think whatever you write up from this point would be a bestseller.”

“Oh you flatter me so much. Thanks though, I’ll do my best~”

“Yes, Oh, and do you want to go through these letters with me?”

---

Hiroomi was grinning from ear to ear. He always loved reading letters complimenting his writing.

“Listen here Mihara-san, this person likened me to Mishima Yukio! Oh, I can’t believe this. This might be my road to being a world renowned author after all.”

“Yeah. Why don’t you try having a book signing session.”

Hiroomi frowned. He was enveloped by a cold that even surprised him.

“Ma~ I don’t know whether it's a good idea or not though.”

“Why?”

“Well for one you know I’m no good with those kinds of things. I’ll just probably stiffen and make a fool out of myself.”

“But all you’re going to do is sign books and smile at people.”

“Hmmm..” Hiroomi thought, “Yes but...”

“I actually arranged your book signing session already.”

“What?!” Hiroomi slapped the side of his face and wore a horrified face.

“The higher ups also approved of it already so all you have to do is show up.”

“Mihara-sannnnn why’d you do this to me? I thought you cared for me!”

Mihara frowned.

“This is for your own good Nase-kun. The fans would love it as well, don’t you want to make your fans happy?” Mihara san said as he scanned through Hiroomi’s letters.

While Hiroomi was whining, Mihara-san caught something interesting.

“Nase-kun check this out… this might be from someone you know.”

Hiroomi took the letter from Mihara and read it.

When he saw the name of the sender his heart felt like it stopped beating for a second.

----

Hiroomi held the letter in his hand. He’s been reading it over and over again, studying the handwriting and feeling all sorts of emotions within him. It felt as though he was brought back to the past; to their old japanese home in the country to the sound of the bamboo tapping against the stone. His sister’s laugh. He missed her suddenly. They always talk on the phone, but reading the letter made him miss home and the people there. And him.

----

“Why do you look so gloomy?” Akira asked.

“Do I?” Hiroomi smiled politely.

“Yeah. Did something happen at work?”

“Nope. Nothing. It was the usual~ I already finished my manuscript though.”

“That’s good!” Akira glomped Hiroomi and kissed him on the neck.

Hiroomi flinched. Guilt enveloped his heart.

“What’s wrong?”

Hiroomi bit his lip and avoided Akira’s gaze.

“So something did happen. If you’re okay with it, I’ll listen.”

“I’m fine. No need to worry. I’m just exhausted.”

“Is that so? Cheer up.”

Akira kissed Hiroomi on the forehead and embraced him tightly. Their soulmarks glowed beautifully. Hiroomi hugged back and smiled.

It’s fine. I’m happy now. I’ve moved on.

---

There was no use.

Hiroomi kept reading Akkey’s letters and sighing as he propped his head on his knuckles. He found out earlier that he was a consistent fan letter sender. Hiroomi wasn’t always able to read fan letters even though he kept them. A lot of Akkey’s letters are now piled in front of him. He sighed again. It was troublesome but he couldn’t help but feel happy at the sincerity of Akkey’s writing. When reading some of them, he couldn’t help but smile. Akkey hasn’t changed. This correspondence made him feel things (even though he doesn’t reply to any of them).

A thought came to mind. Maybe he could call Mitsuki and find out what Akihito was up to. Before he could dial her number she called instead.

“Nii-san, I have news for you.”

“Hmmm?”

“Actually…"

Hiroomi was surprised. “What???” He said aghast.

“You heard it right. He’s currently there for work. He just got transferred. I hope you grab this opportunity to fix your relationship. He was… when you left he started to act weird.”

Hiroomi was in disbelief.

“What are you talking about? That’s impossible right?”

“Listen Nii-san, the truth is...”

“Stop I don’t want to hear anymore. Goodbye.” Hiroomi dropped the call.

Hiroomi paced his room. Things were getting troublesome.

No. It’s impossible for us to meet each other by chance. Tokyo is big. No need to worry…. but what if he attends my signing session? No.

——-

“Hiro what are you doing? You've been spaced out for a while now.”

Hiromi frowned and crawled towards Akira. He stared at his boyfriend, thoughts in a mess. The news of Akkey moving to Tokyo troubled him. He felt as if he was losing control again. The things that he assured him crumbled on the face of the possibility of meeting Akkey again.

It was over. The feelings he felt for him were no longer there but what was this feeling that was making him anxious? He was not supposed to feel this troubled because he had Akira now, they are happy and in love.

He had the happy ending he always wanted.

Their life together was more than he could ask for. But if that was the case, then why was he feeling like this? Why was he feeling so insecure and scared? There was one thing that came to mind. Lately they hadn’t done it because they were busy. Maybe the reason he was troubled by such a thing was because he and Akira had not been intimate because of their schedules.

“Fuck me Akira.”

Hiroomi did not intend to sound so desperate when he said that and yet it did. His eyes and facial expression looked so anxious. He clung to Akira as if clinging to that light he so desperately chased after at the time he had his heart broken.

“What's this all of a sudden? Did something happen again?”

Hiroomi nuzzled his head against Akira’s chest.

“I just want you to hold me. It’s been a while. I’m pent up.”

“I want to, but are you sure you’re okay?”

Hiroomi bit his lip.

“I.. Akira..”

“Come here,” Akira embraced Hiroomi. The hug was sweet. Hiroomi could feel Akira’s love in the way he squeezed him. Akira was always gentle and sweet. He always prioritized Hiroomi’s feelings above everything else. Hiroomi knows this even if Akira doesn’t say anything. This was the reason why he loved him. It was not because they were soulmates. Sure, in the beginning he went out with him because they were soulmates, but he genuinely fell in love with him.

“Why do you look so broken? Did something happen at work? Are you sick?“ Akira asked worriedly.

Hiroomi was quiet but his grip tightened around Akira.

“Rely on me. Tell me, what's bothering you?”

Hiroomi didn't answer. He just wanted to be held. Giving up, Akira patted his head and kissed his hair.

“Just rest okay.” Akira wiped the tears that settled at the corner of Hiroomi’s eyes.

“I’ll hold you while you’re relaxing.”

Hiroomi looked up at Akira and giggled.

“Thanks. I love you.” Hiroomi smiles gently. In contrast to his usual teasing smile, this was refreshing to the eyes.

Akira smiled back, lifted Hiroomi up and carried him to the bedroom.

“I love you too.”

---

Akira noticed that Hiroomi’s mood was still not letting up. He still looked troubled.

“Hiro, you know, you can tell me anything. I’ll always be here for you.”

Hiroomi smiled a painful smile.

“I just don't really feel good these days. Maybe it's because the book signing session is fast approaching, you know I don't like those things.”

“Yeah. You don’t.” Akira rubbed the corner of Hiroomi’s face.

“I'm nervous.”

“You'll do just fine. I assure you.”

“And about yesterday… I'm sorry.”

“It's fine.”

“Actually, I’m worried about something… It’s about a childhood friend. We drifted apart. But we had our terrible fall out during my senior year in high school. I've never seen him since. Then, last time, Mihara-san read to me a letter. It was signed in that person’s name.

“I don't know if he knows I'm the writer. But I really don't want to see him. The thought that maybe he's going to attend my book signing session frightens me.

Akira smiled sweetly.

“Sometimes, no matter how frightening things are, we just don’t have a choice but to confront them head on in order for us to move forward. Everyone has something like that, Hiro, so it’s fine.”

“Yes you’re right.”

“Wouldn’t it be better to have some closure with this friend?”

“We had some unresolved things. Things that still bothers me even now. Things that I’m afraid to even admit myself of how wrong I was back then. The embarrassment of believing in a lie is so painful.”

Hiroomi bit his lip.

“But you’re right. I want to end things the proper way. And apologize about being selfish, about everything.

“They say that time heals the pain.. but it's been so long. I've waited for so long for the pain to go away. And I'm sorry for keeping these things from you. I didn't.. I didn't want you to worry..”

Akira held Hiroomi.

“You don't need to apologize for keeping it. We have things we can't tell others, even those people who we’re really close to.”

“But still..”

“Shush, it's fine. I wish you’d tell me more of your worries though. I’m always here for you.”

“I love you. Akira.”

“I love you too Hiro.”

---

It’s been a long time since Hiroomi and Akira went on a date together. Hiroomi was excited. Even if he doesn’t let it show, Akira was even more excited. They just finished watching a movie and were just strolling around the streets. They stopped at a bench and talked about random stuff. Noticing that Hiroomi was quite talking for a long time, Akira went to buy the two of them drinks.

“Here you go.”

Akira gave Hiroomi a coke in can.

“Thanks.”

“It's been awhile since we went on an actual date.”

“Ah yes~ I want to wrap my hands around your waist~”

“You're still cold?” Akira said as he pulled Hiroomi close to him, not minding the eyes around them.

“No not anymore~ but it's sorta like a habit. I've told you before right?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll go buy something at the convenience store first. Wait for me here.” Hiroomi said after squeezing Akira’s hand.

---

It took Akihito a long time to finally settle down at his apartment. It was just a simple abode he found online that wasn't too expensive nor too cheap. He had been transferred to a company in Tokyo. Mitsuki jokingly told him that there’s a possibility that he would see Hiroomi again. Truthfully, that made him nervous. Although the prospect of seeing the other guy was not bad, it still feels weird to him. In the end, his transfer was maybe God’s message that he should straighten things out with Hiroomi.

What is there to straighten though? All these years Akihito was confused about many things; about their relationship; about his feelings for him. Well, used to. Now everything was clear. And he was afraid. He was afraid of being wrong; of being too selfish.

“I'll be the best spirit world warrior for you!”

Thinking of Hiroomi saying those words made him smile.

Now that everything has changed, he wondered whether or not the string of fate had been cut between the two of them that day when Hiroomi decided to leave. Can they still go back to the way they used to be? This is the most important question that he wanted to answer but afraid to confront.

He heard that Hiroomi was doing well in Tokyo. Mitsuki would usually talk to him about what he was up to. They didn't have the details of what his actual work was, but Mitsuki said it had something to do with literature. Being a consistent absentee of the literature club, he was surprised why Hiroomi chose such a career path. But weirdly enough, it was something he could imagine him doing.

Akihito loosened his tie, slumped on the bed and closed his eyes. He was too tired to even move. What if he’ll really meet him? What would he say? He still hasn't explained anything about the kiss that he stole from him. He knew it was wrong. And maybe he should apologize for it as well. With that in mind, he fell asleep.

----

“Writing another book?”

“Not really I was trying stuff and putting this idea that has been bugging me for a while now.”

“Oh I see. By the way, I’ll be going home late today. We're going to have a welcome party for a new colleague.”

“You met him already?”

“Not yet. Today is his first day. He just arrived here a week ago I think but he was finishing some work for the company so we didn't get the chance to meet him nor welcome him.”

“Oh okay. What time are you going home?”

“I'm not really sure. Just sleep before me okay? You don't need to wait for me.”

Hiroomi stared at Akira with a gleam in his eyes. His gaze softened as he flashed him a smile. He put down his glasses, walked towards him, and tiptoed in order to embrace his boyfriend.

“Take care Akira.”

Akira chuckled. Their marks glowed as they stood there holding each other. Hiroomi tightened his hug as Akira wrapped his arms around the other’s waist and kissed his shoulders.

“I will.”

----

“Everyone! Today I am going to introduce to you our new colleague.” Addressing the newcomer, The MC continued, “Please come here.”

Shy, the newbie went to the center and bowed deeply.

“I am Akihito Kanbara. I’m pleased to meet you.”

“Give him a round of applause! Please enjoy your stay here in the company branch and welcome! Now, feel free to start dining!”

Akira stared at Akihito. There was something about that guy that made him feel wary. His instincts told him that there was something about that guy that he should avoid. Akkey noticed Akira’s stare. He shifted his eyes to him and smiled. He bowed and resumed conversing with the others.

Judgmental was not something you would describe Akira. However, Akira had never felt an aversion like the aversion he feels towards Kanbara Akihito. Never in his entire life did he feel such strong negative emotions towards someone. What’s worse is, he just met the guy. He couldn’t understand it himself. Akkey didn’t do anything to him, but why does he feel so threatened by him? This feeling made him want to avoid him at work as much as he could. For the few weeks after the welcome party, Hiroomi noticed that Akira was acting weird.

“Are you okay Akira? Is work stressing you out?”

“No… I just… Uh..” Akira heaved. It was awful. Apart from his stress at work he’s upset about Akihito.

“I’ll make you a cup of tea.”

Hiroomi went to the kitchen and prepared camomile tea to calm Akira down. While Akira was waiting he was thinking of the blond.

Akihito didn't really get along with others yet. He was a quiet worker but he was pleasant to everyone and was quite reliable and good at his job. Earlier that day, he overheard some of his coworkers talk about how gentle and pleasant the other guy was. When he remembered that, Akira couldn't help but ask Hiroomi,

“Ne, Hiro, you never told me about your childhood friend’s name right?”

The question surprised Hiroomi.

“No. He’s name is Kanbara Akihito.” Hiroomi smiled gently.

“I feel awkward saying his name.”

Akira was shocked when he heard the name. It made sense. Things made perfect sense. As Hiroomi’s pair, he could feel it. That’s probably the reason why he felt like he’d seen Akihito somewhere apart from the aversion.

Akira gripped the cup in his hand. He was trembling.

Akira couldn't say anything. He couldn’t say that his new colleague was that Akihito.

A Teaspoon fell from Hiroomi’s grasp and clattered on the lavatory surface.

He turned to Akira, shocked.

“My hand slipped. I’m such a clutz aren't I?”

Akira stared at Hiroomi and noticed his flustered cheeks. His cool and calm demeanor was no more.

Akira realized something.

“Hiroomi, is it possible that you used to be in love with that guy?”

Hiroomi stared at him shocked. He looked away and bit his lip,

“No… you’re wrong.”

That reaction was like a confirmation and it made Akira feel as if he was slapped in the face.

“Look at you! Acting jittery, looking so pained. Why are you still so affected if you're not in love with him anymore?”

Hiroomi couldn't respond.

He gritted his teeth. He wanted to rush outside the house.

“What… what are you talking about Aki?” Hiroomi stuttered.

Akira sighed.

“I give up. Do what you like. I'm going out.”

---

Akira knew that what he did was wrong. Because he was stressed and had a lot of things and suspicions in mind, he ended up raising his voice at Hiroomi. He walked with no direction in mind. In the end, he decided to go to a convenience store to buy something. When he entered the store he saw Akihito—the guy who he absolutely did not want to see. The other just finished paying for his stuff. He greeted him, which made Akira feel awkward.

When was about to pay he realized he didn’t bring his wallet with him. Akihito ended up paying for him. Both ended up walking together. They both talked as they walked.

“So you live around here?” Akira asked.

“Yes. I'm just in the neighborhood. I didn't expect to see you here Torinaga-san.”

Looking at him with a soft expression Akira thought that maybe he was just being a jerk towards Akihito. After all he didn’t judge him for going to a convenience store without his wallet.

“I didn't expect to see you here as well.”

Looking up at the sky, Akira felt somehow defeated. He shouldn’t be hating Akihito.

“We fought.”

“What?”

“Me and my lover fought earlier. And here I am running away from confronting them .”

Akihito looked at his feet.

“I'm jealous.”

“Jealous of what? I'm sure you also have those moments with your lover right?”

Akihito only smiled.

“It's complicated.”

“You mean the soulmate thing?”

“Yes. I don't really know anymore. I'm happy though that it seems like you are together with your soulmate Torinaga-san. That’s great isn’t it?”

“Well I am. And it's the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

There was a pause. Akihito stared at nothing in particular.

“What if you fell in love with someone else though? Have you ever considered it?”

Akira thought for a second.

“I had many relationships before them, but none of them could compare to what I feel for them.”

“Right?” Akihito chuckled as a confirmation.

“Did you happen to fall in love with someone that is not your soulmate?”

Akkey smiled.

“Yes. I don’t know though. hahaha their sister told me there was a possibility I could meet them again here. But I don’t want it to happen.”

“But if you met them, what would you do?”

“Maybe they're already happy with someone, and I don’t want to ruin it. but it would be nice if I got to see them again. We separated badly.

“I don't think he would want to see me again.” Akihito flashed a pained smile.

Akira thought for a second.

“Maybe you should meet them for closure.”

When Akira said this Akihito felt a pang in his heart.

“It’s been bugging me too. I don't want to see them, It would only open old wounds, not only just for me but for him as well.”

“What if they also want to meet you again?”

Akkey was surprised, he smiled pleasantly.

“Ah, that will be great. Sometimes I really miss them. I hope they're doing well.”

Akira just stared at Akkey, thinking that whatever

Akihito and Hiroomi had, it was something deep and serious.

---

Akihito was indeed a pleasant person so it didn’t take long for Akira to be friends with him. After fighting with Hiroomi he went home, got some of his stuff and didn't go home to their shared apartment for awhile. Hiroomi was worried that he was tempted to see him at his work. Hiroomi was not really one who did those things, but he was worried. He was also guilty because he knew that everything was partly his fault for still not being able to talk about Akkey openly even though years have passed by already. He wanted to make up with Akira as soon as possible. It was only natural that it was him who had to apologize first and tell him everything so that they could return to how they were before.

Hiroomi decided to wait for a few days for Akira to come home but he never did. He stared at his phone. Just a slight sound makes Hiroomi jolt. Finally, he decided to see him at his workplace.

Akira’s workplace is a 20 minute bus ride. Hiroomi was nervous. He had never been that nervous before. It was the first time he and Akira fought so he didn't know what to do. As he waited for the bus to arrive at his destination, the scar on his back started to throb. Ever since he left the town where he used to live, he no longer felt the throbbing in his back, but now, all of a sudden like a premonition, it hurt.

Everything was getting messy. It was about time to confront whatever he was still feeling for Akkey and start anew; start anew all over again. He clenched his hands into fists, making his knuckles white. He bit his lower lip and closed his eyes as he resolved to make things right with Akira.

The bus finally stopped, Hiroomi’s eyes burst open as the door opened with a hiss. He went out and craned his neck to gaze at Akira’s company. He wrinkled his eyebrows as if he was about to give up.

“Aaah~ such a pain.” He scratched the back of his beck and started walking towards the building.

Deep inside he was praying Akira was in.

---

It was a busy day for Akihito. There were a lot of documents he had to compile and clients to take calls from. He checked his phone and saw that Mitsuki sent him messages on LINE.

Mitsuki: have you seen nii-san yet?

Mitsuki: Hey!

Mitsuki: Don’t runaway you hear!

He didn't reply to Mitsuki.

It was time for lunch so I decided to go out to eat somewhere. Akira saw him as he rushed out,

“Where are you going Kanbara-san?”

“I’m going to eat outside.”

“Don't you normally have your bento?”

“I was tired today so I didn't make one. Do you want to have lunch with me?”

“Sure!”

While they were walking, in order to dispel the silence between the two, Akihito wanted to ask something. He didn't want to pry though, so he dropped the idea in the end.

“ My lover still hasn't contacted me.”

Akihito was surprised. He turned to Akira and gazed at him, trying to make out what expression he was making.

“You have to contact him.”

“I know but…”

Akkey smiled, he patted Akira on the shoulder.

“They’ll understand. Don't worry. Communication is important. If you don’t properly communicate you might regret things later.”

“You’re right.”

When they went out of the building the hubbub and the sound of cars and all of the city noises greeted them. Akihito still wasn't used to it. He craned his neck and stared at the sky as they waited for the traffic light to turn green. Akira, who was with him, paused for a while and checked his phone. There was a message.

“Where are you? I’m here near your work place” It was from Hiroomi.

Akira felt cold all over.

Akira decided to call him.

“Hello? Hiro? Where are you?”

---

The traffic light turned green and the people crossed the street. Hiroomi saw a glimpse of Akira and was relieved. His boyfriend was on his phone just standing there waiting, but when the people parted and he saw that Akira was with someone. Hiroomi’s eyes grew wide. He just stood there unable to move. He couldn't hear Akira’s voice asking where he was on the phone. Everything faded into the background except the familiar blond hair that glistened against the midday sun.

“Akkey?”

---

Akkey.

“Where’s Mirai?”

“I want to see her!”

Akkey.

Don’t go.

Don’t leave.

“You don’t understand!”

“What don’t I understand?”

“You’ve been asleep for a long time.. and I..”

And I what?

“Nii-san. It’s okay, you can rest. I’ll watch him.”

“No.. I…”

“Idiot onii-san! Look at yourself in the mirror. You look awful! You've been without sleep for days now. Get some rest idiot!

“You’re right. I’m such an idiot. After all the trouble of telling Mirai not to kill him.. after everything, this still happened.”

“Get a grip! Rest idiot. It’s not your fault. Surely Akihito will wake up. He’s thick skinned like that. He won’t go down easily so don’t cry.”

---

“Kanbara-san…”

“Yes?”

“I guess I can't eat with you after all. I’m sorry something came up.”

“Okay then. Later!”

---

“Where are you?”

There was no response at the other end.

“Hiroomi!”

Hiroomi jolted.

“I’m… I ran away.. hahahaa.. I’m… Akira.. I’m...”

Akira searched the surroundings and saw Hiroomi standing near a shop. He ran. When he reached him, Hiroomi was wearing a pained smile on his face. Akira softened. At that moment Akira knew he was not Hiroomi’s number one. He embraced hiroomi, surprising the other.

“Let’s go somewhere private. I’m sorry for disrupting your job.”

----

“Why didn't you tell me Akkey’s your co-worker? Maybe that’s why you were more angry than usual.”

Akira just stared at hiroomi. The other was still pretending he wasn't bothered. But his hands shook and he looked like he aged. Akira did not want to acknowledge what this meant so he looked away. Gazing upon Hiroomi’s hand clenched on the table in front of him, he wondered whether to set him free or not.

“Akihito, Kanbara Akihito. You really still love him don't you? Tell me.”

“I don't know. It just surprised me, that's all. I run away without really thinking. I just thought that it'll be bad if we met in that situation. I just thought it would be awkward and difficult.

“Actually… I’m afraid. I thought that I managed to move on, but seeing him again after all these years ruined everything.”

Hiroomi paused and gazed at Akira.

“Akira, I love you. And I’ll always will. I’m happy when I’m with you. I love your smile, the way you walk, the way you hold and kiss me, everything about you. But I still don’t understand why when I saw Akkey, everything seemed like a lie.”

Tears streamed from Hiroomi’s eyes. To calm him down, Akira took his hand in his.

“Hiroomi. I won't give up on our relationship. I love you. And I’ll prove to you that there was a reason we are soulmates.”

“Did he say anything? Did he mention anything about me?”

Hiroomi wasn't listening. He kept on tapping his foot against the cafe floor.

Akira remembered what Akkey said about wanting to meet Hiroomi again, but at the same time he didn’t want to. He remembered the look on Akkey’s face when he said it. It pained him to look at both of them like that.

-----

For a short while, everything went back to normal. Yet, everytime he and Hiroomi made love, it wasn't gentle. Hiroomi kept on begging him to pound him and treat him roughly. Akira thinks that maybe this was his only advantage. He and Hiroomi were so physically compatible, that he thought it would be difficult for Hiroomi to be with someone else.

Tears streamed down Hiroomi’s face as he moaned against Akira’s mouth. The pain and the pleasure that mixed in his lower half made him forget about Akkey, but everytime he closed his eyes, he was being brought back to that starry night, when Akkey kissed him. Whenever they finish making love he would pretend to be asleep and ignore Akira’s calls. Akira knows he’s awake. It seemed like Hiroomi was losing himself. It was painful for Akira to see him like that.

---

It is dark.

The lights from the lanterns dappled on them. Familiar Traditional songs wafted in the air. Hiroomi opened his eyes and saw stars above his head. When he checked himself, he was wearing a yukata and was sitting beside someone. He didn’t recognize him at first. When his eyes could finally adjust, he saw Akihito looking up at the stars.

Hiroomi stiffened. Even though this was a dream he was still nervous. Biting his lip, he scooted away from Akkey.

“Hiroomi,” Akkey turned to him and looked at him fondly.

After a pause he said,

“Do you still want to be with me?”

Hiroomi’s eyes widened in surprise.

He had dreamt of this. He had dreamt of this a thousand times before and it was making him cry. Cry for real. Ugly crying—face scrunched up and mouth bending ugly.

Hiroomi had been wanting to hear Akkey say those words to him since forever.

“Of course you idiot! Of course I would still want to be with you.” Hiroomi screamed as tears streamed from his eyes.

Hiroomi woke up feeling empty. His face was wet with tears. He felt worse than ever before. It was no use. When he thought about everything that has happened until now, it seemed like he took advantage of Akira’s kindness. This was a form of cheating right? Nursing an unrequited love for Akihito even though they were already together. Akira didn't deserve this.

To put a stop to the things that pained him, he decided to meet with Akira. They spent a whole day together. It was fun, just like usual but Hiroomi still felt broken and half full. As they walked home Hiroomi stopped and asked,

“What if we didn’t match? Do you think you would still feel the same way as you do now?”

Hiroomi couldn’t stop the tears as he waited for Akira’s answer. He covered his mouth using a hand and closed his eyes shut as he muffled his sobs.

“Hiro,”

“It hurts Akira. It’s so painful. Seeing him even after all these years, he still elicits the same reaction as before. I don't want to be caged by these feelings anymore. I want to be free. I know he’s probably happy with someone else now. With Mirai, but I can’t help it. I know you might think I’m a jerk breaking your heart like this.. but I can’t continue doing this to you. I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t say it Hiro. Please.” Akira pleaded, hands clenched at his side. He could feel a lump in his throat and tears well at the corner of his eyes.

“We could still fix this. I’ll make sure to treat you even better from now on. I know that we’re both busy, so this must be one of the reasons why it has come to this but please…. please don’t give up on us. I love you. And I’m willing to wait even if it means waiting for a long time until you completely move on from him.”

Akira embraced Hiroomi.

“Don’t give up so easily on the love that we build all these years just for the rekindling of a past flame! Idiot.”

Hiroomi broke from Akira’s embrace.

“What if I won’t ever move on? Akira, we can’t go on like this. It will never work. Let me go.”

Akira pulled Hiroomi again for a hug.

“Please let me go.”

“Shush, I’m always here for you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Hiroomi clung to Akira burying his face against his shoulder as he cried his heart out.

The next month, Akira moved out from their apartment and transferred to another place.

---

“Congratulations on your new book Chigusa-san!”

“Thank you I couldn't have done this without everyone so I'm grateful.”

When are you having your book signing? We heard you're going to have another one.”

“Yes, it's in December. December 28.”

“Oh? that's three months away.”

“I bet many fans would come.”

“Probably. I've been receiving messages on twitter and on my blog about the book signing. Everyone's excited.”

“I’m so excited for this new book of yours.”

“What’s it called again?”

“Mismatch am I right?”

“Yeah.”

“A story of young love.”

“I never thought you would write romance.”

“I never thought so too. Is that really surprising? I just wanted to write something different.”

“Not really. It's just refreshing.”

“We look forward to this book signing session sensei!”

—-

The whirr of the air conditioner was the only sound in Akihito’s room. His lamp illuminated the room as he read a book he just brought from the bookstore. After a while, his phone vibrated. There was a message that flashed on his screen, it was from Mitsuki.

“Call me. I have something to tell you.”

Unfortunately he was too engrossed in the book he was reading to notice it. The book was a new work by his favorite author Chigusa. While reading, he was baffled why the events felt nostalgic. Yes, the things that were written were different. The sceneries, the events there, but it still reminded him of their past. It made him think what if the author was Hiroomi? Chigusa doesn't really write romance. This was his first work of the genre.

The next morning he called Mitsuki when he finally saw the message.

“What’s up?”

“It’s about... have you read Chigusa’s newly released book?”

“Yes. I’m currently reading it.”

“What did you think about it?”

“I…”

“Do you think that Chigusa guy is nii-san? I can’t be entirely sure, but the work was like,”

“The story of our past? Somewhat?”

“I thought about it too. But what if this is just a mere coincidence? What if this is all in our heads?”

“Mirai doesn't know what happened between you too. I also don’t know. You're the only one who knows all the details, what if nii-san was really Chigusa? What would you do?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never bumped into him in this city. I don't know if I’ll ever see him. You said I should try finding him….”

“He's never told me his address. And the times I went to Tokyo we always met somewhere that is not his house. What are you planning to do now?”

“I don't know. I really honestly don't know.”

Akihito gripped on the telephone wire.

“How is everything there? How's your job going?”

“It's fine. I've gotten used to it. I met a lot of good people here. It's busy but I think I'm having fun.”

“I'm glad to hear that.

“Ne, Akihito…. Nevermind.” with that Mitsuki hanged up.

Akihito checked his twitter and thought whether he should come to Chigusa’s book signing session. Would this be a good idea? He doesn't know. It's been a long long time since he and Hiroomi saw each other. In fact, he was nervous to see him. He’s come a long long way. He’s living his dream while Akihito is just admiring him from afar. Many things changed, he’s no longer the Akihito who was blind to Hiroomi’s pain. Now, he knew how difficult things were for Hiroomi. He understood it.

Deciding to meet him at all costs, he went outside the balcony to stare at the stars.

——

The second book signing session had been set for a while so there should be no problem with the preparations. Currently, Hiroomi was reading the guide of how his signing session would go. He sighed, stood up and went inside his dressing room. There were only a few more days left for the book signing. His schedule was packed. It would be nice if things will go on smoothly. With that in mind he turned off the lights and went to sleep.

—-

“Are you going to the book signing session?”

“No. I would be having a meeting and by the time we finished it would be done.”

Akihito couldn't hide his disappointment.

“You know, you promised you will stop being a coward. I hope that that isn't just a reason so that you can continue escaping confronting him. I hope you realize that maybe this is your last chance. Akihito, don't make the same mistake again.” Mitsuki hanged up so that she couldn’t hear anymore of his excuses.

It was true, on the day of Chigusa’s book signing session, he would have a meeting. What choice will he make? His job? Or meeting Hiroomi again?”

—-

Hiroomi did not expect that many people would attend his book signing event. The line was very long compared to his first book signing event. When it was down to the last person, everyone was surprised by a person rushing into the center to meet the author.

Hiroomi’s eyes grew wide as he stared at the familiar person catching his breath.

“Akkey?”

Akihito raised his head and flashed Hiroomi a refreshing smile.

“I finally made it,”

After a brief pause, Akihito took the book out of his back and handed it to Hiroomi. Hiroomi did not react at first, he just stared at Akkey as if he saw a ghost.

“You’re an idiot Akkey!”

—-

When the event was finished, Hiroomi told the organizer and bodyguards that he would be going back with a friend so they don't need to bring him home.

Akihito waited for him outside the venue. Nervous and excited at this reunion.

When Hiroomi arrived, they walked silently. After a while Akkey broke the ice.

“How are you? It's been a long time since we’ve seen each other.”

Hiroomi didn't answer, he just kept on staring at the ground.

“I know you’re upset about me. I’m so sorry if I hurt you Hiroomi. All these years, ever since you've been gone, I thought about things..”

Hiroomi was still quiet.

“I’ve been cruel. Insensitive. Selfish.”

“I’m sorry too for pressuring you. Let’s just forget everything. That was a long time ago. Why don't we talk about something else?”

Both caught up. They ate at a restaurant. Then it was time to part ways.

“Hiroomi,” Akihito called as Hiroomi walked away. They should both stop this farce.

“Can you stay for a while? Can’t you just give me a little time to be with you more?” Akkey pleaded.

“It’s been so long since we last saw each other. Hiroomi.”

Hiroomi was holding every emotion that he bottled inside in his chest for all these years. He wanted to say to Akkey that he didn’t know how he broke his heart. He wanted to scream at him to leave; never show his face to him ever again.

Why’d you have to show up here? Why’d you have to destroy everything that I carefully built?

“But you’re happy with her right?” Hiroomi managed to reply, bile rising in his throat.

Akkey smiled a broken smile. He was not with Mirai; he had never been with her, but instead of speaking, he held Hiroomi’s hand much tighter.

“Hiroomi, I just want you to know… I love you. Mirai and I, there was never an us. I know you’re probably happy with someone else, your soulmate or another person, but I just wanted to tell you how I feel. You were not wrong Hiroomi. It was me who was mistaken, it was me who was selfish and naive. I loved you all this time ever since we made that promise. And I've always wanted to be with you but I thought running away from it all was for the best so that you and I both won’t have to hurt anymore. I thought it was the right thing to do but I was wrong. I was terribly wrong. Everything just backfired.

“Hiroomi I’ve always loved you and will always love you. You don’t have to reply.”

Akkey leaned in and kissed him softly on the forehead.

The kiss brought Akkey to the sound of his footsteps running towards the train station trying to catch up with Hiroomi, the soft glow of the afternoon sun dappling on him.

It brought him to the sound of the trundle of a train as he stood there watching it leave, watching Hiroomi walk away from his life forever.

Breathless, cheeks flustered, he realized that all this time he’s been holding himself back from accepting the fact that he loved Hiroomi, that he loved him from the very beginning. Ever since the day he told him that he’s going to be with him forever.

When he broke the kiss, it felt like he tasted the bitterness of goodbye all over again. Akkey smiled sadly and was about to leave.

Hiroomi stood there aghast. Looking at Akkey, holding back tears started to stream down his face. As he watched his back, he clenched his hands into a fist and stopped him. He forced him to turn to him to slap him.

“Are you just going to walk away from me again Akkey?” He shouted.

“Are you just going to leave me all over again?”

“Hiroomi.”

“It’s the same for me you idiot! I still love you too! You don’t know how all of these years you’ve never really left me. You were always right here,” Hiroomi paused and slammed his fist in the place where his heart was as tears streamed down his eyes, “And you have no idea how that hurt all this time, that even the smallest of things reminds me of you, that even the stupidest things in the world makes me wonder, “What if Akkey loved me back?” “What if everything was different?

“You don’t know how much.. How much I’ve…. ah”

Akkey pulled Hiroomi for a very tight hug, interrupting what he was about to say. It was as if compensating for the times he wanted to hold him but couldn't.

“Hiroomi, do you still want to be with me? because I want to be with you.”

“Of course I do Idiot. Of course!

#mismatch #knk #kyoukai no kanata #nase hiroomi #kanbara akihito #hiroaki #fics

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ryqoshay · 7 years ago

Text

Happy Life: The Apartment

Primary Pairing: YohaRiko Words: ~1.6k Rating: K AU: Angelic? Time Frame: Near the end of Riko’s first year of college and Yohane’s third year of high school Story Arc: Stand Alone

List of all HL scenes AO3 Link

Author’s Note: I must admit that it feels a little strange posting two HL scenes in a row instead of swapping back and forth between it and HtHaN like I have as of late. But, I’ve hit a wall on three HtHaN scenes now and this is the one my fickle µ’s muse has allowed me to finish. And happy fanfic is happy fanfic, and I love writing it, so I’m not going to complain.

SakurauchiRiko: Yoshiko-chan

TheFallenAngel: Yohane!

Riko jumped, not expecting the immediate response.

SakurauchiRiko: You’re moving to Tokyo next year, right?

TheFallenAngel: Yup!

TheFallenAngel: Well, it’s that or commute from here

TheFallenAngel: But I’d like to be a bit more local if I can

TheFallenAngel: And I’m going to the same school as you, remember?

Of course Riko knew this last point; it was why she contacting Yoshiko in the first place. The younger girl had expressed interest for a while now about majoring in fashion design with a minor in business. She was already dreaming big about opening her own shop with a focus on her favored fallen angel style. You and Ruby were immediate supporters, wanting to help where they could, even if just posing as models for new design lines. And as luck would have it, one of the best schools in the area was the same one Riko was already attending.

TheFallenAngel: Why?

SakurauchiRiko: Are you planning on living in a dorm?

TheFallenAngel: Probably

TheFallenAngel: Why?

Riko took a slow breath before typing the next message.

SakurauchiRiko: I was wondering if you might want to move in with me instead

Unlike earlier, there was now a significant delay before Yoshiko’s reply came through.

TheFallenAngel: The little demon Riri wants the Great Yohane to live with her?

Riko couldn’t help chuckling. But despite the response not being all that surprising, it wasn’t really the answer she was seeking.

SakurauchiRiko: My parents and I found a really nice apartment that I will be moving into at the start of the next term

SakurauchiRiko: And I’d be fine living there on my own, but it’s a three-bedroom unit

SakurauchiRiko: That’s really too much space for just one person

SakurauchiRiko: So I thought it would be nice to have a roommate

TheFallenAngel: Three bedrooms?

TheFallenAngel: No kidding that’s too much

TheFallenAngel: Why the heck were you looking at three-bedroom apartments in the first place?

SakurauchiRiko: We weren’t

SakurauchiRiko: A friend of a friend of the previous tenants recommended this place

SakurauchiRiko: They thought it might appeal to me

SakurauchiRiko: And they were right

TheFallenAngel: So who else would be joining us?

SakurauchiRiko: Nobody

TheFallenAngel: So one room would be like a guest room or something?

SakurauchiRiko: Not quite

SakurauchiRiko: Though I suppose we could keep a futon in there for guests if we wanted

SakurauchiRiko: But the reason I like this particular apartment is because one of the rooms is soundproofed

SakurauchiRiko: I can bring my piano

SakurauchiRiko: And not have to compete for time on the ones at school

TheFallenAngel: So you’d get two rooms?

Riko laughed at the question, though it was certainly a fair one.

SakurauchiRiko: Technically, yes

SakurauchiRiko: But I’d be willing to let you have the master bedroom in exchange

SakurauchiRiko: You’d get your own bathroom

SakurauchiRiko: And a bigger closet

SakurauchiRiko: And of course you’d be welcome to use the music room as well

TheFallenAngel: Riri makes a tempting offer

TheFallenAngel: But you still didn’t answer my question

TheFallenAngel: Why me?

TheFallenAngel: Why does Riri want Yohane to live with her?

Riko pursed her lips. Part of her knew this question would come up and she wished she had a better answer. Truth be told, she wasn’t entirely sure herself. Why had Yoshiko been the first to come to mind when her parents asked her about possibly looking for a roommate? Was the fact that they would be attending the same school again really the only reason?

“I miss seeing you” she started typing but paused before sending it. She stared at the words on the screen. Should she be that specific? For that matter, did she really miss Yoshiko any more than anyone else from Aqours?

TheFallenAngel: Riri?

Riko blinked, noticing the timestamps between Yoshiko’s messages. Had she really been thinking that long about how to respond?

SakurauchiRiko: I miss seeing everyone

TheFallenAngel: Having trouble making friends in college?

As the conversation was only text, Riko was not sure if Yoshiko was attempting to tease her or genuinely concerned. A small part of her believed the former, but most of her hoped for the latter.

SakurauchiRiko: Not really

She replied as honestly as possible

SakurauchiRiko: I’ve made some new friends

SakurauchiRiko: But I’m not sure if I’d want to live with any of them

SakurauchiRiko: And definitely not any of my current neighbors

SakurauchiRiko: I’ll be glad to move out of here after finals

TheFallenAngel: Yeah, I’ve read that happens sometimes

TheFallenAngel: More often during the first year

TheFallenAngel: Don’t tell anyone else this

TheFallenAngel: This is just between Riri and Yohane

TheFallenAngel: But I’ve been kind of worried about that myself

TheFallenAngel: Not getting along with those around me in a dorm

Riko smiled sympathetically. So, Yoshiko hadn’t been teasing her; she had concerns of her own.

SakurauchiRiko: Worried about what they might think about you being a fallen angel?

TheFallenAngel: Exactly!

TheFallenAngel: And that’s why I’m tempted to take you up on your offer

TheFallenAngel: Riri already knows Yohane

Riko waited for a few moments, but nothing more came.

SakurauchiRiko: But…?

TheFallenAngel: I guess I just don’t want to bother you

At that Riko couldn’t help but chuckle. Even though Yoshiko continued to cling to her fallen angel persona through her final year of high school, and with as much bravado as she exuded about it, she still worried about it.

SakurauchiRiko: I wouldn’t have made the offer to you if I thought you would be annoying to live with

SakurauchiRiko: I think we’d be good roommates

Another pause.

TheFallenAngel: Very well then

TheFallenAngel: Yohane accepts the offer made by her favorite little demon, Riri!

Favorite? Riko read the message again. Surely, Yoshiko meant just favored, right? All of the girls that had been members of Aqours and Saint Snow were favored little demons of the self-proclaimed fallen angel. And that’s how Riko usually preferred things; being one of several, not standing out as a favorite. Despite this, the idea of being Yoshiko’s favorite didn’t sound all that bad. On the contrary, reading the message once again actually made her feel kind of good.

TheFallenAngel: But there is one condition if we are to share communal quarters

SakurauchiRiko: I’m not going to make a contract with you

SakurauchiRiko: Well, maybe one about rent and utilities

TheFallenAngel: That’s not what I was going to say!

TheFallenAngel: Anyway, the condition is

TheFallenAngel: Riri must refer to Yohane by her proper name!

Riko sighed. Somehow the request didn’t really surprise her. However, after almost three years of calling her by her given name, using another would be… wait, hadn’t she considered a nickname at some point? For the briefest of instances, Riko had thought about a name. A name that… came to her in a dream?

SakurauchiRiko: Yocchan

TheFallenAngel: What?

SakurauchiRiko: That’s what I’ll call you

TheFallenAngel: Oh

SakurauchiRiko: Is that alright?

Somewhere in the back of Riko’s mind, she knew the name would be accepted, though she knew not why, thus she had to be sure by asking.

TheFallenAngel: Yohane accepts this designation from Riri

TheFallenAngel: But only from Riri!

TheFallenAngel: No other little demon may use such a cute designation with Yohane!

Riko smiled. Yoshiko thought the name was cute. Good. It was supposed to be cute. A cute name for a cute girl. A weird cute girl, sure, but cute nonetheless.

SakurauchiRiko: Say, Yocchan

Using the name now, Riko found she liked it. Why hadn’t she used it back then?

SakurauchiRiko: Want to head up here sometime this weekend?

SakurauchiRiko: Check out the apartment? Get a feel for how much space you’ll have?

TheFallenAnge: Yes!

SakurauchiRiko: Maybe hang out and catch a meal or something after?

Riko laughed when she realized Yoshiko had responded quicker than she could finish her questions.

TheFallenAngel: My favorite shop is having a sale this weekend too

TheFallenAngel: We need to stop by Akihabara!

SakurauchiRiko: Sure, we can do that as well

TheFallenAngel: Awesome!

TheFallenAngel: The moon has waxed and waned far too many times since last Yohane saw Riri

SakurauchiRiko: Only once, I believe

TheFallenAngel: That’s still too many times!

Riko laughed again.

SakurauchiRiko: Well I’m free whenever, so let me know when you’re boarding the train

SakurauchiRiko: I’ll meet you at the station

TheFallenAngel: Will do

SakurauchiRiko: Well, back to studying for me

SakurauchiRiko: Have a good night, Yocchan

SakurauchiRiko: I’ll see you this weekend

TheFallenAngel: You too, Riri!

TheFallenAngel: I’m looking forward to it!

Riko smiled as she set her phone back down on her desk. That had gone quite well. And Yoshiko seemed to be looking forward to it as well. That was good.

Despite how much Riko had protested and resisted being drawn into the antics of her former subgroup, Guilty Kiss, nowadays, she found she often missed the excitement. Mari was still in Italy, but Yoshiko was coming here to Tokyo. Surely the younger girl would bring some of that old excitement along with her. And unlike those currently living around her, at least she knew what to expect out of Yoshiko.

And Yoshiko seemed to like the new nickname. She’d even granted Riko exclusive rights to use it. That was unexpected, but not completely unappreciated.

The redhead picked up her pencil and returned her focus on her studies, content in the knowledge that the next chapter of her life would be a happy one.

A hundred and twenty odd kilometers down the tracks, a blue-haired girl held a pillow to her face in a vain attempt to contain her squeals of joy.

Almost ten thousand kilometers away, a blonde looked up at the sky and grinned. Perhaps things were finally beginning to go as planned.

Author’s Note Continued: A few hints here at some of the worldbuilding I’ve been doing for HL as of late.

One point, in particular, is that I hadn’t realized how close the two timelines were; five years between µ’s and Aqours was smaller than I thought. Originally, I had Tanaka mention that “years ago,” tenants had soundproofed the apartment. But when I ran some comparisons of where I have planned events in my two fics, those two tenants would have been the most recent; Yohane and Riko are going to be touring through an apartment still filled with stuff from the other couple. So I guess a small retcon, in the way of phrasing, is in order.

Also, I am writing this with the assumption that the SS movie will not give us Riko calling Yohane by Yocchan. If, on the off chance, it does, I will probably rework this scene to accommodate.

#YohaRiko #YoshiRiko #Sakurauchi Riko #Tsushima Yohane #Love Live Sunshine #Happy Life #fanfic #Tsushima Yoshiko

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asterinjapan · 8 years ago

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Of lakes and volcanoes: visiting Hakone

First things first: getting up early. I am so giddy and excited about being in Japan that I kinda stayed up – too late last night, so getting up by 6 AM was challenging to say the least, oops. I made it, though! My friend and I had agreed to meet at Shinjuku station by 7 AM, giving us enough time for the special limited train going to Hakone. One thing I forgot to keep in mind: Shinjuku station is big. Like, big-big, like, pretty-sure-it’s-one-o-the-biggest-if-not-the-biggest-station-in-the-world big. Oops. I made it to our agreed meeting place juuuust in time, but luckily we still had some time to grab a bite (breakfast starts at 7 AM at my hotel, so I didn’t have anything to eat yet). And after that, to the Romance Car!

That, uh, is the name of the special limited express train directly to Hakone-Yumoto station, haha. I asked my friend: apparently they call it Romance because riding a train like this should make you feel special, like a romance would. Alright. (Japanese trains often have names, by the way. See also: the Yamanote-line and all the bullet trains.) Anyway! We had some catching up to do, so time flew by and before we knew it, we’d made it to Hakone-Yumoto station.

After that, it’s still quite a trip. You see, Hakone is a national park, situated in the mountain area outside of Tokyo. Hakone-Yumoto is the first main station, and here you transfer to the next train, the Hakone Tozan (mountain climbing) train. Predictably, this train leads you up the mountains, and it has lovely views! The road is littered with hydrangea bushes. Sadly they’re out of season now, but since they bloom in June, there were still some left. Absolutely gorgeous. The mountains are steep and the train zigzags through the mountains, turning in some places to track back a little before taking the tracks further upwards.

And after that, another transfer! Okay, to be honest, you can do the whole trip by bus, but where’s the fun in that when you’re early and able to take the scenic route? We had Hakone Free Passes anyway, which allow free travel within the Hakone area with all modes of transport. So next up, the cable car! Unlike the one on Mount Koya last year, this one actually has quite some stops. We definitely weren’t the only ones today going into the mountains, so the cable car was pretty cramped, but we made it up just fine. Once again, lovely views, though less opportunities to take good pictures this time, haha.

The cable car goes from Goura to Sounzan station, and at Sounzan station, we had the scariest transfer: onto the ropeway! I was expecting to be internally screaming the whole way, but to be honest, it wasn’t that bad at all! The only scary bit was the fact that it went quite a bit faster than I was expecting, and the slight bumps along the way as it hit a strengthened point.

But all that trouble was quickly forgotten once the scenery came into view that we spent all this scenic traveling so far for. The ropeway leads you directly over Owakudani, a volcanic valley. This was my first time ever seeing a real live volcano, and wow, the sight was impressive! All these fumes and the barren landscape right in the middle of those green mountains around us. Actually, there was a volcanic explosion back in 2015, which made it impossible for about a year to take the ropeway. Things are a bit calmer now, although you’re still advised to stay away if you’re not in good health.

It’s really impressive to see the full forces of mother Nature, even though things are relatively calm now. The entire area reeks of sulfur for obvious reasons, and there’s a permanent fog from the fumes. It’s a stark reminder of how dangerous this country can actually be, with active volcanoes and earthquakes. It can be easy to forget in the middle of Tokyo.

But hey, there’s not all downsides to this! The area also provides plenty of hot springs, and it’s also used to boil eggs to the point of blackness. Pitch black! Naturally they’re a favourite souvenir, so we picked up a bag of 5 eggs and waited for them to cool down a bit so we could peel them. (Seriously, they were so hot I could barely hold one for longer than half a second, like they’ve literally just been lifted from the fiery pits of volcano.) The black eggs are said to provide longivity, and eating one should expand your life for 7 years. I had 3, so I guess I’ll live to be 121 years now then?Haha. Anyway, they mostly just taste like normal eggs, and once you peel off the black shell, there’s just a white egg with yellow yolk inside. Although to be honest, I would not have trusted it if the egg itself had been black too, pff.

After a small snack for lunch (since 3 eggs are. Quite a bit), we went on the ropeway again that led down the mountain hills. It was time for another impressive sight: Lake Ashi! (Ashinoko in Japanese. Some plates say ‘Lake Ashi’, but Ashi-no-ko already means ‘lake of Ashi’, so that’s redundant.) Ashi is a crater lake, formed when the volcano last erupted around 3000 years ago. It’s a popular spot for sightseeing, especially in clear weather when you can see Mount Fuji.

You might have guessed by my lack of ecxlamation marks, but not exactly a clear day today, haha. I wasn’t expecting to see Fuji at all during my trip, since the skies get hazy in summer, but it was still a slight disappointment, since most of the area tries to hype you up for Mount Fuji. Oh well. The mountain area is still lovely for sightseeing, so that’s what we did! Lake Ashi has numerous sightseeing cruises, that look like pirate ships because why not. (You can also rent one of those peddle boats shaped like swans, because once again, why not. But the Free Pass covers the pirate ships, so a pirate ship it is!) The ship makes its way across the lake in slightly over half an hour, hitting two stops before turning back. We got off at the second stop, Moto-Hakone-Ko, from where we had a nice sight of one of the red gates of the nearby Hakone shrine, right below the mountains where eh, Fuji should be somewhere. You know that one picture of Mount Fuji towering above a lake when you google Hakone? Yeah, that sight. If you squint your eyes and wish really, really hard, I’m sure you could have pretended to have seen Mount Fuji today, but there wasn’t a trace of it, not even a faint outline. Dang, that mountain (sleeping volcano, technically) sure is elusive.

Anyway, not to matter, because we had other impressive sights to take in! My friend wanted to visit a nearby art museum, the Narukawa Art Museum, which is probably not a place I would have visited for myself, but I’m glad we did. Although my legs were getting pretty tired at this point, the museum houses an impressive lection of traditional Japanese art paintings, most of them featuring sights from Europe. That was really a unusual sight: these familiar sights in a style that really reflects traditional Japanese paintings. Taking pictures was actually allowed, but ‘only for private use’, so I won’t put them on my blog just in case.

The museum prides itself on being situated riiiight across from Mount Fuji, so there’s this huge panorama window from where you can sip tea (or have an ice cream, which is what we did) and enjoy the lovely sight. Sigh. As I was saying, I hadn’t actually counted on seeing Mount Fuji, but they really rub it in everywhere, haha.

The museum was starting to close, so we rushed out and made it to our last visit for today: the aforementioned Hakone Shrine. It was a quick walk from the museum and led slightly uphill through a small forest trail, which made the red gates and lanterns stand out even more.

Quite some pictures later, we went back to the museum, since that was where the bus station is situated. We were in luck and caught the last express bus straight to Odawara station, just outside of Hakone. From Odawara, you can take a direct train back to Shinjuku. So that was neat!

We went out for a bite in Odawara, looked up where to find the castle for my visit later this trip (it’s like a 10 minute walk from the station, so that should be doable even for me, haha), and then headed towards the train.

So here I am, back in my hotel some some 14+ hours after leaving it this morning, whoa. I’ll hop in the shower after updating my blog – luckily today wasn’t super hot, a nice 24 C I think? It probably helped we went uphill. Tomorrow morning will be cloudy, but it should clear up in the afternoon. I’d revisit the Imperial Gardens if they weren’t closed on Fridays, yay. I have some other Tokyo sights to see though, so I’ll probably opt for those and keep it calm tomorrow.

Photos will be up in a few minutes, see you tomorrow!

#report #report: japan 2017 #japan 2017 #places: hakone

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c-is-for-circinate · 8 years ago

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Ok yeah we’re gonna record thoughts and feelings about P5 as we go, because I know me, and when I’m all done I’m going to want to go back to my recorded opinions about the early stages of the game and roll around in my own ignorance.

Spoilers for the first couple of hours of gameplay (up to the establishment of the Magician social link). Do not spoil me beyond that in replies/reblogs so help me god.

This is Persona does Leverage and I am so excited.

Once upon a time, there was a meek and unremarkable boy living a meek life in an unremarkable town. He never knew, because nobody had ever told him, that there was a badass living deep in his own heart. It never came up. He didn’t get into trouble, not once, not ever. He believed in justice and the system that looks out for the weak and the meek and frightened women being forced into cars by drunk, powerful men.

(once upon a time, there was a boy, and he was a fool)

Nothing in Tokyo feels real. The alleys are crowded, narrow, full of people. The subway is a labyrinth. This rented room, this garret apartment, full of rust and accumulated junk, this forgotten storage room, isn’t part of any world where people live. You walk through school and everybody whispers--did you hear about the new boy. He’s a violent criminal. He’s a gang kingpin. He carries a knife everywhere he goes, and he’ll kill you as soon as look at you if you piss him off. That can’t be you. That has nothing to do with your real life (your town, your parents, your school--none of that is yours any more. Now you get this.) The castle of magic and shadows is no more impossible and unreal a dream than this new school and this new life that’s supposed to be yours now anyway.

The protag is, at heart, deep in his core, a believer in those with power using it to protect those in need. Not necessarily a believer that they do, now, any more--but they should. That’s how the world is supposed to work. You can’t just do nothing. He’s got power of his own, now.

It turns out that the protag does carry a knife everywhere he goes, in the metaverse. Apparently he’s a thief now. Apparently the part all the way down in his core that’s been shouting so loud since he first heard the muffled sounds of a woman calling for help in the distance on a dark night is raging full of strength and magic. Apparently he can do things, can fight, can rage, and nothing is stopping him, and look, nothing about this world where he lives in now matches anything he’s ever lived in the past sixteen and a half years of his life. So now he’s a phantom thief and a rebel, and he has power the likes of which shocks even the talking cat, and everybody at school says they hear he carries a knife everywhere, and if one materializes in his hand when he finds himself in a cape and a mask in the world of the mind--he’s doing this now. Apparently this is the person he’s going to be in this strange new impossible dream-world. Okay. Guess we’re doing this. Sure.

This is a story about bonds and rebellion. This is a story about being trapped. It’s about justice and what’s fair, yes, but more than anything this is going to be a story about structures of power--not just about the individuals who hold it, but about the castles and palaces and empires they build around them, about silence and complacency, hierarchies and systems and all of the layers that smother and trap people in place.

The protagonist is here to break those chains, don’t you know, to tear down the castle walls and break the palaces, to fell the kings and punish the emperors. The protagonist is here to learn to rebel and break through those empires, one by one, but he’s still in chains to his own fate. He’s doomed by the blade of his own revolution.

You don’t have social links. Your relationships are not forging bonds. Your relationships are the wings and the tools you’re meant to use to break free and break yourself out. Your friends and acquaintances are collaborators. They steps and allies and tools to use. (We will love them, because this is a Persona game and that’s how it works, but--will we love them more than we use them?)

(“You were sold out by one of your own,” they said, remember?)

(Captain William Kidd was imprisoned and questioned and probably tortured and never gave up any of his backers, his allies, the various rich men in England who financed his piracy and who kept their heads down and their hands hidden, right up through Kidd’s execution. Carmen loved her man and then left him from another, and he cried fury and betrayal and cut her down then and there on the opera stage. These children are so fucked.)

It’s not ‘Persona goes darker and edgier’, because it’s not actually darker than the epic isolation depression despair of Persona 3. It’s maybe a little grittier.

Persona 3 was a wash of murky green and blue and darkness, existence and fear and loneliness and despair. Persona 3 was the kind of depression that’s all emotion and numb emptiness, and everything is either as vast as the entirety of human existence, or tiny and personal and super-individual, with all the scope jumbled and knocked askew and nothing in between. It was not brighter and it was not kinder, but the light was very different.

This is grittier in the way of a high contrast photograph in hyper-sharp focus, black and white edges on every individual blade of grass. This is not the endless sea of despair. This is every goddamn day that you wake up and figure out how to grind your way through to tomorrow. This is a world where people connect all the time, for all the good it does them. This is a world where rape is real, and abuse is named, and the suicide attempts are not metaphors. The enemy is not the abstract wash of numb depression and existential despair--it’s real, and it’s concrete, and it’s so very, very complex that dismantling it feels next to impossible. And we’re taking it on anyway.

(Your personas are human, every one of them so far, not counting the shades of stories and human unconscious the protag’s started picking up from the wayside. Characters from novels and plays and actual humans who actually lived, not even 400 years ago, not in myth or legend but actual recorded history. There’s a little myth and a little magic about them all, but they’re human human human at the core, and they didn’t fight gods or take their blessing, they fought other men, and sometimes won.)

And look, high-contrast ultra-sharpness doesn’t necessarily mean more realistic. You were rescued from the magical castle by a talking cat. Nobody has blue hair unless they dyed it that way, but you slip through shadows with the billow of your coat behind you like a cape, and all the visuals are sharp and stylized with shadows and angles and black and white and red all over. This is half Victorian romantic crime fiction, with your tiny garret above the cafe in the city where you were sent for disgracing the family in public, and half pulpy graphic novel, the pre-superhero kind. This is still very much genre.

This is Persona-does-Leverage. There are genre conventions and I expect them to be followed--and look, I have seen all of Leverage and I have seen it all three to five times through. If the story begins with your hero shoved none-too-gently into a cell by a couple of officers who don’t mind putting a knee in his gut, a fist to his jaw, his ribs, a few new bruises and a little blood for their troubles. If the questioning starts with, “you were sold out by one of your own.” If that’s how the story begins, and then we slide back through the days(weeks months year) to the very beginning of this disaster--

then that cell is exactly where our protagonist wants to be, and we are teetering on the edge of the grand reveal as every last thing falls into place.

I want it to get to that point very badly. That’s the happy ending this genre tells me we ought to get, for all we’ll probably need to battle some dire deity of corruption and despair even after that point anyway. I like that story.

And here’s what else I like: it means that somewhere over the course of the year, the Phantom Thieves become a group that can plan intricately together, that can grift a con where they turn on each other and trust each other to play their own sides. It means that they can send their leader deliberately into the jaws of something dangerous and painful all alone. They know he can take it. They respect him for that.

Of course he can take it. Look, this is a story with characters who wear their bruises and their knee braces and their scars every goddamn day. Injuries from metaverse battles are probably going to magically heal themselves overnight, but this is a story where all of the characters are going to have scars before they even start.

Honestly I am so excited to see this group take shape. I am so excited for these furious, broken rebel children and their revolution.

They don’t use their own names, their own clothes, their own faces when they fight. They are not SEES, who never had time to be anyone but themselves, and to hell with anyone who cares, we’ve got bigger fish to fry. (SEES could barely tolerate each other sometimes, tried to kill each other, but found a way to grab on as tight and iron as they possibly could, bonds so hard to make and the only thing that could save their lives.) They are so incredibly far from the IT, who fought and set themselves to always always being exactly themselves, one way or another. (The Investigation Team loved each other chaotically and brightly and openly, tripping over each other like puppies and fighting for each other like wolves.) I cannot wait to see them.

Did you notice, did you notice, the first persona summoning--it’s not just a discovery, it’s a contract. These kids are making a contract with their own inner heart of rebellion. They’re making deals with themselves in exchange for power. They have lost everything they loved, one by one--their goals, their place in the world, the people they care about, even control over their own bodies. They have lost the things that they once thought made them who they were, and they make this deal, and they become somebody else. Skull. Panther. Mona. The Joker. They remake themselves anew.

And that is going to mean so much for their relationships with each other! I can only guess how that’s going to play out and I can’t wait.

I continue to have more and more thoughts, but it’s very late and I need to go to bed very, very badly. More of this tomorrow after the Epic Grind. We’ll see if I change my mind about any of it just yet.

#C plays persona 5 #I don't even know how much of that made sense by this point I am so dead tired right now #it's been a weird week #tomorrow will be better

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