#and LITERALLY apologies for wanting an abortion like truly and fully

[glompcat]

ngl the most disgusting thing Yellowjackets has ever had on the show is a character who deeply wanted to have an abortion last season and went so far as to hand a friend of hers bra underwire and asked her to end it right until the stark reality of how likely she was to die hit her, state that she is sooooo happy she was forced to carry to term and loves the baby more than anything. The fact it was part of a hallucination she had while miscarrying actually does not improve on it for me tbh, nor does the episode ending on her sobbing over the stillbirth. Not giving a pass to any of that at this current political moment, thanks.

[volturiwolf]

The Volturi Princess - A Felix Volturi x fem!Reader Story (part 1)

A/N: This is the first Volturi- and Twilight-related story I ever started writing and it is quite long and elaborated/complex, as I tend to overanalyze in many parts. I have wrote a few parts until now and I'll be uploading them in the future. I have been quite emotional throughout writing it, trying to understand the reader's point of view.

A/N 2: I'm sorry if something doesn't make sense. English is not my first language. I also include Italian through the story, with translation, but I'm not a native or a speaker, so I'd like to apologize in advance to those who speak Italian. Enjoy :)

A/N 3: According to "The Amagi" on Youtube, Felix was born in 250 BC (their thumbnail), so I used that in my story.

No of Words: about 5347

Mentions of: Abandonment, Abortion, Anxiety, Blood, Bruises, Coma/Comatosed State, Death Emotional Abuse, Emotional and Physical Pain, Gaslighting, Greece/Greek Language - with translation, Heartbreak, Italian Language - with translation, Manipulation, Murder, Pain, Panic Attacks, Pregnancy, Suffering, Suicide/Suicidal Thoughts, Swear Language, Throwing Up/Puking, Witches/Wizards/Witchcraft

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My heart felt heavy. I may have just escaped the cruelest vampire of all, but I also ran away from the love of my life, my mate, the only person who could fully understand me in this world. I asked him to run away with me, but, although our bond was strong, he felt obliged to stay loyal to his master, his creator. I drove as fast as I could, away from the sunny Volterra, and away from him.

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(Y/N) grew up quite privileged, in Vampire terms. Being born into the Volturi coven was something many vampires could only dream about. (Y/N) was abandoned by her parents when she was a baby, but Aro, one of the three Volturi leaders, took her under his protection, and offered her more things than she could ever have imagined. After all, she was his only biological granddaughter, the “Volturi princess”, an heiress to the throne; her mother lost that “privilege” when she met and fell in love with a wizard.

(Y/N)’s mother soon got pregnant with her, and then later turned her husband into a vampire to help her with her pregnancy, and stay together forever. However, (Y/N)’s parents couldn’t raise her because they wanted to run free and careless, not commit to anything permanent, so Aro took over and raised his granddaughter with the highest honors and privileges, “as a princess should be raised”.

(Y/N) was a mix of Vampire, Witch and Human, due to the grandmother, Sulpicia, being human when Aro found her; Sulpicia later fell pregnant with (Y/N)’s mother, and Aro transformed her to vampire, as he had planned all along. Aro raised (Y/N) according to his own rules and morals, teaching her how to kill humans to feed from, how to attack and slip away from her opponents, how to lead other vampires, and most importantly, how to keep her identity and existence a secret, not only to humans, but other non-Volturi vampires as well. No one could know that there was a possibility of a vampire having a child with a human, and that the child could be effectively controlled and raised as a regular vampire.

As (Y/N) grew older and older, reaching the human age of 25 within 7 years of her birth, Aro would spend more and more time with her, examining and studying her possibilities and her potential powers’ development. (Y/N) grew up to be extremely strong and fast, an excellent tracker with great intelligence and understanding of the world around her. However, Aro could not risk sending her to “Volturi duties”. She was his hope for a stronger coven; with (Y/N) in the throne, Aro felt like he could conquer the vampire world with ease.

That’s why he was always searching for the best guards he could find, to protect the coven and do his work instead of himself, Caius, or (Y/N). He couldn’t rely on Marcus, as he proved to be too emotional since Didyme died, but was still valuable for his plan. Caius, on the other hand, although powerless, was far more sadistic and “diligent” in following vampire rules, and (Y/N)... (Y/N) was just too obedient, following every order Aro gave her - a strong asset for the Volturi.

Aro was changing guards and trackers quite easily, disposing them when they were no longer needed or when he found better ones. He needed talented and strong vampires to serve the coven and do their work.

Chelsea was the very first vampire Aro created solely to serve the Volturi, after recognizing her potential when she was human. Chelsea’s gift of relationship manipulation was truly useful in bringing new vampires into the coven and was used thousands of times during Volturi's reign. It could also easily dispose of them, making their bonds with other vampires break at will; those vampires were isolated by the other vampires and then killed - Aro couldn’t risk letting them get away knowing the Volturi’s secrets and life.

About 100 years later, Corin joined the Volturi, just a couple decades after (Y/N)’s birth. Corin’s gift of addictive contentment was the one which kept Marcus in the Volturi after Didyme’s death - along with Chelsea’s to make him committed to Aro’s greater plans, and was also used on Sulpicia, Athenadora and any other vampire in the Volturi guard to keep them satisfied being in the Volturi. Under Aro’s instructions, Corin was keeping Chelsea content with being in the Volturi, and Chelsea was keeping Corin loyal to them, each of them using their gifts against each other, without their knowledge.

Sometime between 230 and 220 BC, while travelling in Rome, searching for additional vampires to add to the coven, Aro supposedly met a young, strong and ambitious fighter, who wished to become a gladiator one day, named Felix. Felix did not only look, but also was physically capable of fighting even with beasts, during his short time as a fighter, way before the Colosseum was built. Born into a poor family, his strength was his only way of making money, and becoming a gladiator was his only way out of poverty, a way to provide for both his family and himself.

When his family was almost imprisoned by Roman army officers for outstanding debts, Felix was forced to make a deal with them to fight, in whatever they ordered him to. Fighting turned out to be the only way for Felix to deal with his emotions and rage towards people in power. When Aro approached Felix, he was promised a good life, where he wouldn’t have to worry about surviving another day. Felix did not seem willing enough, not being fond of the idea of serving people in power, who he so despised.

Luckily for Aro, Chelsea was the one who “convinced” Felix to join the Volturi guard, with Aro changing him afterwards. Unlike previous guards, Felix showed impeccable strength, speed and talent towards both dodging and initiating attacks, eventually making him a permanent member in the Volturi Guard, along with Chelsea and Corin.

Felix was assigned as the leading guard for the three kings’ protection, this role extending to the protection of their two wives and (Y/N); though Aro knew that, if it came to anyone attacking his granddaughter, she would be able to handle it by herself. However, he still wanted to make sure that she was safe and that Aro would do anything to protect her.

For about a couple millennias, (Y/N) was content with her situation, being the “Volturi princess” and all that. Besides, having Felix in the Volturi was another reason to stay in the coven, apart from staying loyal and true to Aro for taking her in, when she was abandoned.

Every time Felix looked into her eyes, she felt her whole body burn - though, it wasn’t a feeling of suffering, rather a feeling of longing, waiting for something to happen so badly that her body couldn’t control itself. Although she was partially a vampire, (Y/N) would feel like she couldn’t breathe, like her legs were ready to give up on her, like she wanted to grab Felix and never let go.

Felix, although not admitting it even to himself, would feel the same way, but he knew that his position would not allow him to approach (Y/N) in such a way. He was just a guard - although he was the strongest of them all, and she was the Volturi princess, one of his masters, whom he was only allowed to approach in order to protect. He didn’t want Aro to know he saw his granddaughter like that; it could cost him his position in the guard, or even his life. So, he kept these feelings deep within him, not allowing them to resurface, or act upon them.

However, every time these two existed at the same place, the invisible sparks between them would fly left and right. And only one vampire was able to see them. One who hadn’t felt these sparks in centuries.

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(Y/N)’s POV:

I yawned loudly as I woke from a long, much needed sleep. I was the only vampire around who was able to sleep, mostly due to my non-vampire natures. I didn't really need to sleep on a regular basis, but when I did, I could literally sleep 3 days straight and nobody would be able to wake me up. “For my own protection”, as Aro said, I would always have at least two guards outside of my room’s door, in case anything happened while I was sleeping. Like what could even happen? My room was at the furthest side of this huge castle. I’m pretty sure that if there ever was an attack against the Volturi, it would most probably have been dealt with immediately, and the attacker wouldn’t make it anywhere near my room.

I felt the warm sun on my skin, slightly glowing and sparkling beautifully. My eyes, mostly (Y/E/C) with a golden ring around the pupil, could easily adjust to the light. Unlike the other vampires, I could easily live among humans; I could sleep, eat human food, my skin not being as sparkly as others, and I could control my thirst far better than others.

Since Jane and Alec joined the coven, Aro would show an immense interest in them and their skills, helping them train daily and develop their powers further, eventually forgetting about me. I would spend more and more days away from the castle, “protected” by my anonymity, getting to know humans more and more. The longer I was observing them, the more they would trigger my interest in them. They could feel true emotions, real pain, real hurt, real love. They had their families, they received an unconditional love that I could never have.

Unbeknownst to Aro or anyone else for that matter, I have started developing new powers, similar to the other vampires in the Volturi coven or anyone else outside of it. I have also started noticing that I may have an immunity towards others’ talents, feeling that neither Corin’s addictive contentment made me satisfied with being in the Volturi, nor Chelsea’s relationship manipulation could keep me loyal to Aro anymore. If it weren’t for Felix, or Demetri and the Twins, who have all become my best friends by now, I would have probably left.

A vampire named Carlisle Cullen had visited the Volturi and stayed with us for a while, about 100 years ago. He saw the way the Volturi treated humans like they were nothing, and how they were as cruel as to kill other vampires, with the excuse that they were exposing our kind with the way they lived. Entire covens had been wiped out due to such excuses, a way to eliminate potential enemies from becoming too powerful and find as many talented vampires as possible and force them to join the Volturi.

Carlisle was talking about a new way of life, where vampires wouldn’t have to kill humans to survive, a life where vampires and humans could live in peace, without harming each other. He was insisting that vampires could survive on animal blood just as efficiently as with human blood; that animal blood would not make them weaker, and that it would be a much more ethical and sustainable way to feed.

Of course, Aro and Caius were the first ones to mock his proposition, clearly not caring about humans’ feelings and pain. Marcus did not budge at all, his heartache making him indifferent to anything around him. But I was growing more and more interested in this alternative way of life; I was, after all, feeding on human food already, so that I was feeding on human blood as little as I could.

It was a few years after Carlisle left Volterra that Eleazar joined the Volturi. Aro forced him to join after finding out he could detect if someone had any special ability. Aro considered his gift useful in identifying if any of his enemies had any special power when in battles, or when he sent Eleazar around the world to recruit talented vampires.

Eleazar was clearly not liking the way the Volturi forced their ways and wants on others, and how they could take advantage of others for their own benefit. I could just sense that he was displeased and was forcing himself to stay in the coven, one, due to Corin’s and Chelsea’s gifts, and two, out of fear of what could happen to him and his mate, Carmen.

Carmen, a vampire from Spain, like Eleazar, met with Eleazar while he was a guard here, they fell in love, and eventually, Eleazar decided to leave the Volturi and run away with Carmen. Aro decided that he did not care about him and his gift as much as others’, so he let him go unharmed, “blessing” them for safe travels.

Just a few days before he left, I consulted him on my own powers. Though a lower member of the guard, Eleazar had his own room, a decent place to stay, and spend his endless hours in. I knocked slightly on the door.

“Come in”, a calm voice was heard. I opened the door and came into his room. Carmen was sitting on the edge of their bed and Eleazar was reading a book on his desk. They both smiled sweetly. I just felt and knew they were too nice to fit anywhere in here, among the cruel and strict Volturi.

“(Y/N)! So nice to see you!”Carmen exclaimed and stood to hug me. The second we hugged I started seeing parts of her life in Spain, the calm waters of Catalunya, the vast vineyards where she would spend the early years of her life… I quickly detached myself from her embrace. I just couldn’t invade her privacy like that. She and Eleazar both looked at me worried, as if I had offended them.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t let you “show” me your whole life like that!” I looked at Carmen apologetically.

“(Y/N), you saw Carmen’s life?” Eleazar continued, intrigued by my words.

“That’s why I came to talk to you. I..I feel like I’ve been developing a gift, or a few gifts, to be completely honest. And I feel like.. like I have a specific power one day, and another power the next!” I stated frantically.

It was the first time I have openly talked about my powers to anyone, and I was shaking just by the words that came out of my mouth. Eleazar did not say anything, he just stood there for a few minutes, I supposed “examining” me, as if a doctor checking on a patient.

“Remarkable.” He said calmly. He looked at his mate with excitement, as if he just discovered a lost treasure. “(Y/N) has one of the most remarkable gifts I have ever seen.” He then turned to me. “You, (Y/N), are able to copy anyone else’s gifts and keep them as your own. You don’t even have to be in contact with them. Just by meeting someone, you can obtain their powers. I have never met anyone like that. You also seem to have obtained immunity to others’ powers, kind of like a shield. I have met such vampires before. From the stories Aro has been telling, your mother was like that. It is likely that you copied that gift for her. Such vampires are extremely useful to themselves or even others, in battles. Like themselves, you can use your gift to protect others from others’ powers, beside yourself.”

That came too sudden to my ears. I have assumed that I may have at least one power, but I didn’t realise I could copy others’ powers. That is why I was showing signs of Aro’s power!

“How can I train my powers? Eleazar! Carmen! You have to help me!”

“As you know, we will be leaving soon. I don’t know if there will be enough time to train you.”

“It’s okay. We will train as much as you want. Please, Eleazar! Please, Carmen!” I started begging them. As if they were hypnotized, they quickly looked at each other and agreed to help me.

The next few days, before Eleazar and Carmen’s departure, included intense training, far away from Volterra, deep in the woods, where no human could interrupt us. I couldn’t say the same for vampires, but I hoped nobody would cross paths with us. Eleazar and Carmen helped me develop my self-control and self-awareness, concentrating through the deepest parts of my mind, resurfacing my shield and expanding it beyond my existence. I started to have control over it, as if it was an actual solid substance, a veil floating around me towards any direction I ordered it to go.

After Eleazar and Carmen left, I started travelling the world more, trying to copy as many powers as I could come across with, while also training my shield. My excitement for the endless possibilities was what kept me going - kind of when Aro would add another talented vampire to his Guard. His Guard. Felix. I wonder how he was. I hadn’t seen him in a while. I wondered if he thought of me like I thought of him.

After travelling pretty much anywhere I could reach, I eventually went back to where it all started: I went to Greece. Aro met Sulpicia here, apparently my mom met my dad here. Maybe I could find out, understand why they left me. I have never met them, but I felt as if my tracking skills could detect them through my own existence.

I started travelling through the country, hoping that they stayed here or, at least, that they’re alive. I spent about 2 or 3 years in Greece, trying to take in every different place, while also avoiding the battles that seemed to take place in every other corner. I was feeding off animals mainly, mostly when I couldn’t find any other human food. I was washing myself in rivers, streams, whatever I could find.

I was stopping by any village that seemed to be still standing, asking about the current situation. The Greek Revolution, which started a few years ago, seemed to still be going on. The Ottomans, who had been occupying Greece for almost 400 years, could not allow Greeks to turn against them and start claiming their rights within the Ottoman Empire.

Many Greeks I met and talked to, admitted that some of the Ottomans were actually being nice to them; it was only the Ottoman government ordering their armies to execute massive massacres against Greeks, and after all this time, a few Greeks started gathering up and planning a revolution, away from Greece, in fear of being caught. They started getting organized and finding possible allies to help them with the Revolution; they just couldn’t risk getting caught within the country that they were hoping the independent Greece could become. The battles were becoming more and more intense, both on the mainland, as well as on the islands.

I started looking for answers, anything that could suggest that my parents were still alive and somewhere in Greece. To my surprise, I crossed paths with many Greek nomad vampires all over the country. They were also fighting against either Ottoman vampires or each other for territorial claims; however, they all talked me out of travelling north, towards Macedonia. The region had started being reclaimed back by Greek humans, but vampires were also seeing the potential for the area and they fought against each other for the land.

All of the nomads I encountered were talking about some of the most vicious vampires claiming the land, their enemies being literally slaughtered and burned to set an example for other vampires to back off their territory. I was intrigued, and I knew that, most probably, I would be able to deal with them or flee before they got to me.

So, I started travelling north, through the woods and mountains, in order to avoid any possible battle between humans, though many of them seemed to hide in the mountains, preparing for their battles. Macedonia was a quite big and vast region, so I had to travel quite a few days and search every possible corner.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I was feeling exhausted from all the searching. I haven’t fed in quite some time, and my throat was burning by the familiar need for blood. I haven’t seen any animals all these days, and I was wondering if they were gone or hiding.

Sadly, I came across a human. He seemed to be wounded, probably during a battle, his blood gushing out of his body. I couldn’t help myself, when I breathed in the smell, the burning sensation becoming unbearable. I thought of approaching him slowly, so as not to scare him, offering to help him, but deep down I just wanted to feed off of him.

“Γειά! Συγνώμη αν σε τρόμαξα. Σε είδα από μακριά. Μπορώ να σε βοηθήσω με κάποιο τρόπο; (Hey! Sorry if I scared you. I saw you from afar. Can I help you in any way?)” I offered calmly.

The man was trying to suppress his growls. I could sense his pain. I tried to help him stand on his feet, and then I saw all of his memories. He was in the army, fighting alongside Greeks against the Ottomans, in Macedonia, just outside of Thessaloniki. I didn’t even know I was so close to a city, let alone Thessaloniki.

He was trying to pass through the woods, when he came across what seemed to be two red-eyed vampires, one male and one female. They tried to attack him, but someone else managed to shoot him first, forcing the two vampires to run away. I don’t know how or why, these two felt familiar to me, I could feel that through his memories.

“Γειά! Μπορείς.. Μπορείς να πας στο κοντινότερο χωριό; Νομίζω.. Νομίζω ότι είδα κάτι στο δάσος, δε νομίζω ότι ήταν κάτι φυσιολογικό! Πρέπει.. Πρέπει να προειδοποιήσω τους άλλους! (Hey! Can.. Can you get me to the nearest village? I think.. I think I saw something in the woods, I don’t think it was something normal! I have.. I have to warn the others!)” He mumbled in between sharp shoots of pain.

“Με συγχωρείς πολύ! (I’m really sorry!)” I plead with guilty eyes. I put my hand in his wound, searching for the bullet, while he was consumed by pain. I took the bullet out of the wound, and quickly attached my lips on his skin, sucking the blood as fast as I could, biting deeply unintentionally. His screams were becoming louder and louder, so I covered his mouth with my hand, while trying to shut him up or break his jaw. A few seconds later, he stopped screaming, and I let his lifeless body fall, completely numb and drained out of blood.

I felt renewed, his blood travelling to every part of my body and giving me a new kind of strength that I haven’t felt in a while. I still felt guilty for killing him, but he was already wounded and I couldn’t risk him exposing our kind to others. I assumed that whoever found him - if anyone found him - would also assume that he died of blood loss, so I tried to position him in a realistic pose for that purpose, as best as I could. I left him there, and continued the search for my parents.

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I was running through the woods, trying to locate the two vampires from the guy’s memories. My mind was chaotic, I wasn’t thinking about something specific. I stopped in my tracks. What Aro taught me, and what I understood from Demetri’s tracking skills, is that you have to stop, take a breath and realize your position in the world. Then, you would be able to realize everything around you and find your targets. I have successfully found other vampires like that before, vampires who I have either met in person or smelled their scent, but I didn’t know if I could find someone through someone else’s memories of them.

I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate as best as I could, focusing on the smaller details of the guy’s memories of these vampires. I felt two vampires running on my west, about 10 kilometers away, and I ran after them. They were running fast, but I was way faster. Within a minute or two, I was running right behind their tracks. They must have realized that a stranger was following them, but, instead of running, they suddenly stopped. I stopped as well, and we were now facing each other.

The female had long, brunette, curly hair, and the male short, dark brown, straight hair; both of their hair looked shiny, healthy, and rich. They were of average height and their eyes were piercing red, as if they also fed quite recently. The female was exceptionally beautiful and enchanting; I could only compare her to Heidi’s exceptional beauty. The male looked quite stoic and austere, though still beautiful.

Both of them on defensive positions, waiting for me to attack. I wasn’t planning to move any further from my position; I was only waiting for their own reactions. I felt that kind of a burning sensation within me again, like a feeling buried deep inside me, trying to find an escape.

Suddenly, the male growled at me, flames springing out of his hands, and being thrown at me. I felt my heart fall out of my chest, fearing that this would be my end. As if my body reacted on its own, I felt my own shield extending out of my body, building a wall around me and protecting me from the male’s attack. My hands started burning and flames came out, ready to counterattack the male. The male looked at the female, dumbfounded by what he witnessed, still in a defensive position, but ready to attack again.

“I’M NOT HERE TO FIGHT YOU!” I shouted at both of them. “I’M JUST SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE!”

The male shrinked back, the female following close by. “Who are you looking for? We haven’t seen you around. Who are you? Why are you here?” The male requested. His voice serious, but smooth at the same time; a voice I could only describe as the warm earth below their bare feet.

“No, I’m not. I come from Italy, though I think I was born around here. My name is (Y/N), I’m looking for my parents. I don’t quite remember what they look like, but I’m pretty sure that they lived around here. They abandoned me when I was a baby.”

“This has been our territory for almost 3 millennials! We would have known if any humans abandoned their offspring around here!” The female exclaimed, as if she didn’t believe a word I said. I didn’t want to tell them the whole story, but I had to show them that I didn’t mean to fight in any way.

“I never said they were humans. My mother was actually sort of a vampire, like you.”

The female started letting her guards down. “What do you mean sort of? I’ve never heard of a “sort of vampire” before!” She continued doubtfully.

“Believe me or don’t, my mother was born half vampire, half human. My dad wasn’t even a vampire before she met him. He wasn’t even human to be honest.” My eyes started stinging slightly. I could have had a good, happy life if they didn’t abandon me. I wouldn’t have to grow up with Aro.

“You said you were from Italy.” I nodded at the male, as he continued. “You never said where exactly.”

I wasn’t sure if I should tell them my real origin; I wouldn’t like them to know I was a Volturi, but I knew I needed help to find my parents. If they were actually here as long as they say, they might have known or met my parents at some point.

“Volterra. I was born here, in Greece, like my mother, but grew up in Volterra with my grandparents.” I looked down, kind of scared, kind of anxious, waiting for their next move.

The female gasped. “Are you a Volturi?!” I looked at her, straight in the eyes, swallowed, and nodded. “I know the Volturi. Who are your grandparents?”

“Aro and Sulpicia.” I answered so quietly that, if they weren’t vampires, they wouldn’t have heard me, my voice trembling slightly.

The female suddenly fell on her knees, the male wrapping his arms around her, comforting her. I didn’t know what was going on. Did I say something wrong? Were they scared? The sheer mention of the Volturi would scare a lot of vampires, but I thought that maybe these two seemed strong enough to deal with them.

The female started sobbing, no tears coming out of her red eyes, her body shaking. I felt something within me break. I felt that I didn’t want to upset them, that’s why I was hesitant in telling them who I really was. The male looked at me, pain in his eyes. I saw a familiar look. I saw me in his eyes, what I looked at in my mirror anytime I was thinking about my parents, or, sometimes, when I thought of Felix.

“Are you a half witch?” The male asked quietly. Something snapped in me. How would he know that?

“I swear, I didn’t do anything to your mate! I DIDN’T!” I shouted at the male. I didn’t want him to think that I would hurt his mate, or himself.

“I know you wouldn’t. It’s just..” He looked at his mate who had stopped sobbing, but was still down on her knees, unable to stand up. “..my mate is Aro and Sulpicia Volturi’s only daughter.”

My body tensed and shivered. If that woman is the only daughter Aro and Sulpicia ever had...could that mean..?

I took a few steps back. “AM I YOUR DAUGHTER? ARE YOU MY PARENTS?” I looked at them in disbelief.

Those were the people who abandoned me! That let me grow parentless, under Aro’s rules and directions! I was breathing heavily, in between sobs. I didn’t even realize that I set my whole body ablaze, until both vampires looked at me shocked. I didn’t feel any pain, but I couldn’t stop the flames licking my body, and in my frantic state, I started panicking even more.

The male started approaching me slowly, trying to not scare me away. “Shush, shush. You’re okay. You’re doing okay. I know how it feels at first. You’re experiencing some aspects of the life as a witch. It’s okay. Close your eyes and picture the flames in your head.” I closed my eyes and tried concentrating on the flames. “Now, imagine them burning out, becoming smaller and weaker.” I focused on the flames, imagining them weakening. After a few minutes, I felt them getting smaller and smaller, and finally disappearing. I opened my eyes slowly.

The female was standing next to the male, watching me carefully. In a quick motion, she pulled me and embraced me, stroking my hair lightly. I breathed in her scent, a mix of mountain flowers and the saltiness of the sea. Her touch was soft, and filled me up with what felt like a thousand different emotions.

But, I mostly felt safe. It was the first time in my life that I actually felt this safe. And whole. I felt like I actually belonged somewhere. I hugged her back. Tears started spilling from my eyes. That was my mom! That was actually my mom! After all this time, we were finally together. I felt the male, my dad, hugging both of us, and in that moment, I felt my legs giving up on me, and I finally fell into a long sleep.

[myblueeyedbuggers]

My Boys

Chapter 2

Chapter 1 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7  Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11  Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14

Pairings: Reader x Steve Rogers (Platonic) Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 1918

Warnings: Language, A tiny bit of Angst

Summary: After being abandoned by her parents in Brooklyn in 1929, y/n makes a living for herself by working for the Црни лабуд gang until she meets two boys in a back alley and her life slowing begins to change.

So, Hi again, I know I said that the next chapter would be shorter but I kinda got carried away with the story, hopefully you guys don’t mind XD As mentioned before All requests and imagines are open, any constructive criticism is welcome. Enjoy Everyone! (I just noticed I linked the wrong page for Chapter 1, not a very good tech student am I? XD)

A few days later-

The right side of my face felt like it was on fire, a constant ache reminding me of what happens when I fail my task, boss handed my ass to me in more ways then one. The damn beatings from the boys made me too weak to stop the bastard named Greg from running off and calling the police, the dick decided to hand himself in instead of spending time with yours truly, which in all honesty is understandable, any sane person would turn and leg it away from a small lass looking like she went 5 rounds with a bear.

Perhaps walking around in the middle of the day isn’t the best idea when your face looks like the rear end of a smashed-up truck, people were stopping and staring at me, it was really doing miracles for my self-esteem (Notice my sarcasm there). I’d already managed to screw up this “mission” anyway, staying undetected with a face like this is nearly impossible, my decision of winging it this morning coming back to bite me in the ass within the first 5 minutes out the house. Safe to I was royally buggered, both literally and figuratively.

My mind was buzzing with different techniques and plans I needed to get the next target, maybe I could break into his house and dig up some dirt on this guy, from what I’ve been told that should be easy considering the dirt bag’s cheating on his wife with the maid from the apartment be- whatever train of thought I had was completed obliterated, somehow my ass hand ended up on the floor. Again. Irritation flooded my veins, whoever did better be ready to dig themselves an early grave, looking up my eyes made contact with the one person who I wished to never see again. Bucky f**king Barnes. “Why is it every time I see you, you’ve somehow managed to piss me off? Is that how you greet everyone or am I just that Special?”, I was met with silence. Not unnerving at all, glancing at him I noticed he was staring at my face with wide eyes, immediately I pulled myself from the floor and ran like hell in the opposite direction.

 This is not an ideal situation, to anyone else it’d look like I was running for the bus, when I was actually running for my life, “y/n! stop!” like that’s gonna bloody happen ya moron there’s a flipping reason I’m running, cause I ain’t doing it for fun!I already know I’m gonna regret doing this, my feet changed direction and guided my body down a small but familiar ginnel, two lefts and a right later I was approaching a wall, adrenaline was rushing through my body as I launched myself at the wall. Surprisingly I didn’t faceplant and managed to get a hold of the top of the wall, the lower half of my body erupted in sharp pains, but I needed to ignore them, quickly pulling myself up and leaping off to the other side. As soon as my feet touched the floor I was off, I didn’t really wanna know if Bucky saw what I did or where I went, I might not like the guy, but he doesn’t need to get tangled up in with a hopeless case like me.

Once I was certain that I’d lost him, I crouched down behind some bins and attempted, key word attempted, to catch my breath. I’ll admit that was way too close, anyway why does he care? I was and still am being a complete dick to him, does he not get the hit that I’m not his number one fan? Eh, when’ve I cared?  it’s just me against this bullshit world and I’m pretty sure that ain’t gonna change anytime soon. Now fully recovered, I emerged from my hidey hole and… walked right into Bucky. “What the Hell?! Are you some form of f**cking ninja or something, did you not get that don’t wanna talk or do I need to give you a formal letter?!”, he just stared at me with raised eyebrows and let me finish my rant, cocky bugger.

 “You done running now? Wanna try telling me who the hell did this?”, okay who the hell crapped him is cereal? “Nobody, I simply fell of a bike earlier on this week avoiding the village idiot”, giving me, an incredulous look Bucky sighed and covered his face in exasperation. Seeing an opportunity to get away, I slowly started edging away and to be fair, I nearly got past him before he grabbed my arm, “do you really expect me to believe that y/n?”.

The glare I sent him could have made Satan himself piss his pants, but Bucky didn’t even flinch much to my frustration, “Believe it, don’t believe it all in all I couldn’t give a shit, now let go of my arm before I rip it off “I’m pretty sure I just growled at him. And of course, the dick does the opposite and tightens his grip on my arm, wait is he dragging me?! The hell! do I look like dog on a leash? “Fine then don’t tell me, but you’re coming to my house to get cleaned up” his tone was final and left no room for arguments, but it’s me, when have I ever backed down from a challenge? “Nope, nah, not happening I can take care of myself thank you very much, now I’ll ask you one last time. Let. Go. Of. My. Arm.”

My voice held so much spite, I hardly recognised it as my own, “No” and with that he picked me up, ignoring my protests, and started carry me to his home

.-40 minutes later

How the hell Bucky managed to carry me for this long, I have no idea, for a lad of 14 he’s impressively strong and that’s the annoying thing, I’ve been trying to get off him for the past 40 minutes and even my hardest punches and kicks just seemed to tickle him. At one point he even started laughing at my threats, which added to my burning rage, the urge to smack this cocky son of a gun was hard to contain at this point. I’ve no idea what neighbourhood were in, it resembled a perfect suburban hub, the ideal place to settle down and raise a family, I wonder what it’s be like to be apart of a fully functioning family coming home to people who loved you…it must be nice. 

 Unknown to Bucky, a single tear slid down my face, my heart longing for a family to call my own, but that’d never happen, hell according to my parents I wasn’t even supposed to exist, by the time my mother realised she was pregnant it was too late to get an abortion. I was a curse that ruined their lives and their relationship, I’ve got the scars to prove how much of a waste of space I am, “You okay back there? You’ve been quite for more than two minutes” Bucky’s voice cut through my thoughts, for a minute I’d forgotten where I was. Okay that’s enough of feeling sorry for yourself y/n, pull yourself together you’ve managed this long without anyone, “Hello? Are you asleep of somethin?” I swear down this guy is more annoying then my conscious sometimes, “Nope I was thinking of all the different ways I can kick ya ass later buddy boy”, his body vibrated with laughter as Bucky let out a load laugh at my reply. 

Do you see what I’m dealing with here ?!, “Good to know you’re back to the you’re ever cheerful self doll”, what in the name of ever loving fudge?! “Since when did I become your doll Barnes? last time I checked slingin’ a girl over your shoulder and carrying her off isn’t the way to get a girl!” all the bugger does is laugh, laugh I tell you! this boy is gonna be the death of me. “You sure about that doll face? cause it worked for me”.

I could practically see the stupid smirk on his face, also can someone explain to me why I’m blushing? For once I had nothing say, my sarcasm failed me…damn it. A low chuckle brought my attention back to the annoyance with legs, more commonly known as Barnes, “We’re almost home Doll, Mama should be able to clean you up in no time” oh no, no, no I don’t do well with parents, or any adult now that I think about it, they always have this look of pity in their eyes when they see me. It’s like they’ve just found a homeless kitten on the street and feel the need to adopt it and take care of it until they get bored, it’s infuriating and embarrassing, “Oi! Barnes, I ain’t telling you again I can look after myself, your mama doesn’t need to trouble herself with me I’m perfectly capable of cleaning myself up!” he let out another frustrated sigh, he must be going for a record it’s the 20th one, before ignoring me completely and walking up the drive.

“Yeah you keep saying you okay by yourself but look at the state of you y/n! you’ve got a busted-up nose and lip, a black eye and a cut on you’re eyebrow! How the hell is that taking care of yourself?!” for once he did have a point, but hell’s gonna have to freeze over before I admitted that, “Not that you’d know this Barnes, but this is what happens every day, I have to make my own livin’ I ain’t got anyone to rely on and it’s been that way for years, it’s how I like it! now put me the hell down before I kick ya ass to China!”.

The sound of an opening door stopped Bucky’s reply, “JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING LUGGIN’ THIS POOR GIRL AROUND LIKE A SACK OF POTATOS?! PUT HER DOWN NOW!” holy mother of all things holy I do NOT want to be on the receiving end of this lady’s anger! I think my ass is attracted to the floor, one minute I’m being held captive by an annoying pillock and the next I’m on the floor nursing a bruised behind, “Jesus Christ talking about letting a girl down quickly!” hands grabbed my upper arms and pulled me to my feet, Bucky’s apologies faded into the background when a shocked gasp silenced the conversation. Slowly I raised my head, Bucky’s mother had tears falling down her cheeks, her brown eyes were filled with the two emotions I hated the most, pity and sadness.

 Not being able to keep eye contact any longer, my gaze shifted to the porch floor, her shadow slowly started to move towards me, she was being cautious as if she were approaching a wild animal and I hated it. I hate seeing people treat me like a basketcase, I can’t stand it “I’m very sorry for disturbing you ma’am, I’ll leave” I quickly turn around and start to walk away, about 3 steps in a gentle hand grabs my shoulder and stops me. “Sweetie, you don’t have to apologise for anything, come inside I’ll get you cleaned up, Bucky, honey Steve’s inside with your father and sister” and with that Bucky’s mother guides me inside with a comforting hand and a gentle smile. 

Soooo..yeah this happens, I’m not gonna lie I felt really bad writing the sad bit about the reader, I may have teared up a tiny bit, anyway YAY chapter 2 is outta the way!. Hope you all liked it  :)Rose xx

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 23: Jake* Part One

Jake* and I had a romance that in the beginning felt very much like Romeo & Juliet, similar to the tragic Shakespeare play, it had a tragic ending. However, a lot less death in my version.

Ethan* and I actually reconnected for a short bit, about two weeks, strictly as FWB before downgrading it to regular friends without the benefits. We decided to help each other on our quests for finding relationships, and working together to improve our dating profiles. Although I had said to myself and my friends I wouldn’t return to the apps until after attending a friends’ wedding, I caved upon helping Ethan* with his love life, and behold, the apps were back on my phone a few days before I left for the wedding, though I wasn’t taking it seriously or being a “try-hard;” I left my accounts on pause or “don’t show me” most of the time.

It all started on Hinge with Jake*. I would not say Jake* was my type, but something spoke to me about him. The conversation started with a “Hey” from him, not super creative, and I usually make fun of people that on apps do this, I will literally call them out and be like “WOW YOU GOT ME” but this time I felt nice and decided to be a normal human being. Luckily, he was not a brick wall for conversation. He was out of town with family in North Carolina. That is one thing I like about Hinge, no matter where you are you can still search particularly at your home base, without having to buy the premium version of whatever of the app like the other ones do. He seemed spontaneous, as he described his trip as his mom coming by and saying hey we’re leaving you wanna come? What a life, I couldn’t imagine having that kind of freedom. 

I told him how I was about to leave for a wedding and would also be out of town. We got deep, quickly, and were very vulnerable with each other almost immediately. I apologized for being a bummer, but he said he was happy we were actually talking about things instead of superficial things. We continued to talk through the app almost constantly while I was still at the wedding. We decided upon meeting the next Wednesday since he was getting back from his trip Tuesday; I return on Monday. Along the way, I found out he was allergic to cheese. Like not lactose intolerant, fully allergic. I told some of my best friend and Ethan* about this, and jokingly they said it was a red flag and to abort. I went with the logic of “more cheese for me.” 

I got home from the wedding and Tuesday I found I was coughing a little bit. I got home from work and had a mild fever. I told him tomorrow we should do a virtual date. He asked how we would do that and I said Facetime if he had an iPhone. So I gave him my number and we had a silly text conversation before bed.

Classic. How could I not want to be with someone like this?

The next morning I woke up with an even higher fever and called off work. I check Instagram and find that the maid of honor from the wedding is also sick. I inquire and it leads to a whole investigation, excel document, and so on as we discover that 16 people (at least) are now sick. One person was rapid tested and it is COVID-19. I get myself tested at a local CVS that day. I tell Jake* about the story’s progression. We still have our Facetime date later and he says he would be happy to bring me anything if I need it. 

When I get my results a few days later, I officially have COVID-19. I’m told by the health department to quarantine 10 days after my symptoms started. My work requires that I be retested and receive a negative test before I go to work, so I plan to get tested on that day; Jake* and I also decided we will have a first date that day as well. 

I learn a lot about Jake* during my quarantine. We text almost constantly, that is when we aren’t Facetiming, which is also very frequent. We often would Facetime for literal hours. I learn a lot about him that scares me in a way, but more so that he has had a very complicated and violent childhood which led to not being a super upstanding citizen when he was a teenager. I was upfront and told him I was intimidated by this and we both said that misery is relative. 

As it does, after talking constantly for almost 10 days at this point, we did start to be sexual from afar, granted we still haven’t seen each other in person. He would say that he had a “shrimp” and talked about it so much that I started to take him seriously. I told him about my IUD, to which he responded with a very excited GIF. Again, slightly impressed that a man knows what it is, from my experience of men not knowing about female reproductive system, more on that later.

One day, we segued from sexual things to my tub backing up and that I needed Drano. Immediately he said he had some and would bring it over. I gave him my address and in less than ten minutes he appeared at my door. I knew I was a mess but it was the best day for me. We talked briefly through the window and I could see he was tall and skinnier than I thought, but still very handsome. His skin was so tan he looked like he could pass for being black. When it was time for him to go, we placed our hands together through the glass, the most contact we could have right now. He left and I was able to retrieve the Drano. It didn’t end up helping, but it was worth a go and definitely worth seeing him in person.

He told me that he was happy I wasn’t a catfish and that I still looked beautiful. Even with my sickness. After a full week of being sick, I started to feel better and almost normal. My cough decreased, my headaches were better, my fever had been gone since the first couple of days, and although I tired easily, I wasn’t constantly fatigued. I had chest pain and my heart just felt weird, I planned to see a cardiologist as soon as I was cleared. When it came time to be retested, I had high hopes and was so excited to be able to finally spend time with him. However, the world had other plans. I was able to get rapid tested, and unfortunately, I was still coming up positive and the doctor extended my quarantine another week. When I got to my car I called him (not Facetime) and told him what was happening and I cried. He comforted me and said that it would be okay.

In a way, it is lucky my quarantine was extended and that I needed to be retested, as the sickness came back again and a day later I was sicker. I gave him an out one day, I told him that when we matched we never expected I would be getting sick, let alone my quarantine lasting this long. I told him he didn’t need to wait for me, that I would understand if he wanted to see other people. 

He continued to say that he is the kind of person that doesn’t give up easily and wanted to stick it out. I was truly not trying to test him, I wanted him to be free if that was what he wanted, but he truly wanted to stay with me.

One night, my chest pain worsened and I was laying in bed, feeling truly like the brink of death was close, struggling to breathe. At midnight, I text him and say I’m scared. I’m afraid to fall asleep because I feel like if I go to sleep I won’t wake up. Always calm, he suggests I get some fresh air and go outside. I follow his idea and after five minutes of fresh air return inside. He continues to comfort me and say he is there for me.

I say I feel better and am finally able to go to sleep. 

We are still talking a lot, Facetime multiple times daily. I still don’t have feelings, but he tells me he likes me and is truly very sweet and cares about me a lot. There is one day where we just didn’t talk to each other yet that day, and he texts me, while I call him out for being “needy”:

One day during a Facetime he says “I feel like we’re never going to meet and you’re going to keep finding reasons to blow me off.” I legitimately got mad at the insecurity, he claims he is kidding. I tell him that that kind of attitude actually does piss me off. Although I am not head over heels with him, I definitely want to give it a chance once I can so I can see where it goes. He brought me things another time during my extended quarantine, a clove of garlic because I needed it for some food I was making and had none on hand. Unlike last time, he was on his way somewhere and was running late, therefore didn’t have time to linger around. I didn’t see him and had left my dog out in the yard for him to see, though at the time he showed up, she was hiding and he didn’t get to give her pats.

Days go by, and again I start to feel almost normal, for the second time in my illness. The day comes for my third test. I am terrified. I ask him what if I’m still positive and need to quarantine still. At this point, I’m completely out of PTO at work, in the negative actually, and honestly, my mental health is failing from the isolation. He tells me that I’m going to get a negative test today and to trust. Lo and behold, the negative test finally is here! I’m excited to return to my life, and to a greater extent excited to finally spend time with this man. 

We had tentatively planned a date that night, but now we could. I call him immediately after I get back to my car and we plan our first date. He asks if I’m going to be weird or awkward when we're finally in person. He claims that he is different in person; I tell him I hope he isn’t much different because I like the vibes I’ve been getting so far. Our first day occurred finally when we have been talking for 3 weeks. He says he’s on the way. I’m waiting and waiting. He’s in traffic. Jokingly, I repeat the line he said to me about us never going to meet. After all this time, the outs I gave him, it would be funny if after all this he stands me up. 

[danganronpasenariosuwu]

Some Danganronpa babes confessing to their long-time crushes

Holy shit, I've been very inactive! I'm super-duper sorry! I've been very, very busy, and now that summer is finally here I'll be more active, yay! So, as an apology, I'm going to post my second scenario, and I hope that at least one person actually reads through it! Hopefully, the Danganronpa community isn't dead yet!

Makoto Naegi-

♣Although he had planned for this for weeks, he was still anxiety-filled.

♣This could go two ways, assuming his luck didn't play into it as well. A simple yes or no, it wouldn't hurt him too much, right?

♣Wrong. He wasn't sure what he'd do if you said no, nor if you said yes.

♣He wanted to do it the classic way- confessing to you after school behind a cherry-tree. It had worked for all of those anime characters, why not him?

♣He was observing the tree when you arrived, so his back was to you. He turned around-

♣He tripped, abort mission

♣After a bit of laughing, you helped him back up, and asked him why he wanted to talk, although you thought you knew already.

♣After a bit of stuttering, he managed to get it out.

♣”Y/N, you've been one of my best friends for a long time. No matter what my luck manages to do, you're always there with me to help me up, quite literally! I've liked you for such a long time, and I was wondering if you'd like to go out?” He said, in a very fast pace. You could barely understand him.

♣Whether or not you said yes was up to you, but he hoped that his luck would finally work it's magic.

Byakuya Togami-

♕Honestly, he wasn't too concerned. He figured that his money could help buy you over, since his wealth was clearly one of his best attributes.

♕But, he was too aloof to just ask you in person. And, since he clearly couldn't write his feelings for himself, he asked for help.

♕Specifically, he asked Naegi for help, which in retrospect wasn't the best choice for him.

♕After successfully obtaining the note from Naegi, he sealed it up and signed his name on it.

♕The next day at school, just before class started, he slipped it into your locker, which was convieniently close to his.

♕During class, he was a bit quieter than usual, not bothering to shoo Touko, as his mind was completely focused on you, and how you'd respond.

♕Of course, he hoped you would accept, but he did also realize that he could easily replace you if you said no, though it would pain him a bit.

♕After class was over, you went to your locker to grab your books. A letter fell out.

♕You opened it, and read it through.

♕It read- ‘Dear Y/N. My heart has found its way to you with all my love. I want you and no one else because you mean everything to me. I think we should try and make this work. I hope you know you're the one and only one that I want. You're the perfect friend, and I hope we can and will grow to be more. I could never ask for better than what we already have. I hope you're feeling the same way because my heart is set on you and only you.’

♕You already knew it wasn't in his own words, but you were touched nonetheless. It took you awhile to think about it, but you soon had your answer.

Kyouko Kirigiri-

♢You two had been close for a while, and you had managed to be one of the few lucky people to get to know her.

♢She adored everything about you for quite a while, though it never showed. ♢Since she had recently found out that you both enjoyed the same book series, she figured she could confess through that. ♢You were on the second book, almost done and ready to go onto the third. ♢She had checked it out before you, though, and paid the librarian for the damages she would cause, although small.

♢She flipped through the pages until she found the last one, in which the main character confessed to the love-interest. She underlined the words the character had said, and opened to an empty page which was right after the end. She grabbed a purple ballpoint pen. ♢’Y/N, I’d greatly enjoy it if the two of us could be as close as protagonists in this book. I'm hoping you already know who I am, so you can come and speak with me.’ ♢She closed the book and went back to return it. ♢A few days later, you went to go check out that exact book, and in a week you managed to finish it.

♢However, what caught your attention was the bold underline on the confession. You flipped to the last page and read the note, which was addressed to you, surprisingly.

♢Knowing fully well who it was, you decided to go confront it about her, your answer completely clear to you now.

Hajime Hinata-

☞He was a bit afraid to tell you how he felt. What if you didn't like him back because he was too plain? What if he messed up? ☞So, he asked Chiaki to help him, and she delivered, like any good friend would. ☞After a while of her rambling about a hard dating sim she had heard about, she tried giving him advice. ☞”Well, in dating sims they usually ask them out on a date to their favorite place. Do you know Y/N’s favorite place?”

☞”Their house?” He asked. As if that was a good place to go on a first date. ☞”No, like a restaurant or something.” Chiaki sighed, already getting too tired to deal with this love-retarded boy. ☞”I mean, they like to go to that one park with all the cherry blossom trees..” He thought. ☞After talking to Chiaki for a while, he agreed on asking you out to said park. ☞So, after school one day, he pulled you aside. You looked confused. Your best friend, Mahiru, was waiting for you, since you always walked home together. ☞”Hey, Y/N, I like you a lot, and I was wondering if you'd like to go to the park with me tomorrow?” He silently prayed you said yes. ☞Though it was short, your heart warmed a bit after hearing the confession. You had to give him your decision quick, or Mahiru would get angry, so you thought for a second and spoke.

Nagito Komaeda-

♧He knew you'd say no, it's just that some kids from his class had been pressuring him into telling you. ♧He liked you a lot, and hoped you could be more, but he knew it wouldn't happen because who would love trash like him? ♧Nekomaru had given him a pep talk before he went to tell you, hilariously enough. It mainly consisted of him making Komaeda yell his (and your) name. It embarrassed him even further, his face already tinted red. ♧So, after class one day, he tapped your shoulder in an attempt to get your attention. ♧However, his luck had decided to strike, and once you turned around someone pushed you into his chest, officially making the both of you red faced.

♧He pulled back quickly, and apologized profusely. ♧”Bro, it's okay, it wasn't your fault anyways.” You giggled.

♧”Anyways, there's something I'd like to tell you.” he began, nervously fiddling with his thumbs.

♧”Y/N, I've found myself liking you with a passion that friends shouldn’t have. I know you'll say no, since it's impossible for someone to like trash, but I'd like to ask if you want to go out?” ♧You didn't hesitate to respond, since you've already been thinking about how you'd respond to something like this, and because your second class was about to start. Hopefully you don't put this boy into despair.

Chiaki Nanami-

(Some clarification in this- You're the ultimate game designer in Chiaki’s scenarios) 🎮Sure, Chiaki was good at video games. But there's one genre that's hard for her.

🎮Dating sims. And, because of this, she wasn't too sure about how well she’d be able to confess.

🎮Taking it upon herself to study a bit more, she downloaded a dating sim labeled as ‘Mildly easy’.

🎮After a day or two of attempting to beat it, she stumbled upon a character that eerily resembled you. It's name was (Your name but with some letters swapped). She decided that she had to go that route, since she figured it would help her confess.

🎮It took her about fourteen hours to finish, but the confession at the end made it all worthwhile..

🎮It read, ‘(Your name but with some letters swapped), Ever since I met you I've been endeared to you. From your looks to your personality, I like it all. You're all that I want, and I hope you feel that way too?’ 🎮And, from the way the character responded, Chiaki supposed that the exact same confession should work for you.

🎮So, Chiaki decided to tell you immediately at school tomorrow.

🎮You were walking through the halls until Chiaki walked up to you, looking determined as ever. 🎮She recited the confession, using your name instead of the character’s, and your response was a short, simple giggle. 🎮”Nanami, did you find my dating sim? I knew you'd play it someday!” You smiled, although the girl in front of you was very, very confused. 🎮After having a short laugh, you gave Chiaki your answer, either letting her down immensely or making her day even better.

Shuichi Saihara-

🔎He may or may not have cried while thinking about how you'd respond.

🔎He was obviously too shy to tell you in person, even after Kaede’s inspiring pep-talk. ���So, he wrote a letter that conveyed all of his emotions, though it might be a bit long.

🔎It read, ‘Dear Y/N. Every word you confide in me, every wonderful and terrible moment you share with me, melts me inside.

You let yourself be vulnerable with me and trust me beyond my comprehension. I never imagined I would truly find another who I would want to spend so much time with, who could truly touch my life the way you have, even without trying. I look forward to many more special moments together. When I see you, I see my future. This is not just talk. It truly comes from the heart. I am consumed by the desire to be with you, to talk to you and to feel you near me. I want to hold you, talk to you, laugh with you, cry with you. I want to play, walk, dance and just be one with you. I think you could become my everything. I know I want to be everything to you. I love you, Y/N L/N.’ And he signed it at the bottom. 🔎But, last second, he chickened out, leading to Kokichi stealing the letter, reading it and laughing. And Shuichi’s ego deflated even more, if possible. 🔎Kokichi ran up to your locker and put it in for the other boy. 🔎Y’see, Kokichi was a hardcore shipper of you two, and wanted to help- 🔎And so, after class you opened your locker and read it. It made your heartbeat pick up its pace, and your face turn red. 🔎You confronted Shuichi immediately. 🔎If you say yes, he’ll probably cry. If you say no, he’ll probably cry AND become depressed. Good luck. Kokichi Ouma- ♖He isn’t nervous at all. He was SURE you'd like him back. ♖But that's a lie, of course. He was scared. There's a small chance of you liking an asshole like him, so he only had a small amount of certainty. ♖He's not necessarily shy, so he decided to do it in person, since that's the most head-on way to do it. ♖So, like most of the others, he chose to tell you after class. ♖You were walking out of class when you were caught off-guard by him jumping on you. ♖And you fell over, as a result, and you ended up in a weird position in which he was straddling you, and his hands were on your stomach. ♖At this point, there's absolutely NO going back. So, in a state of rushed panic, he suddenly yells out- ♖”Y/N, I LIKE YOU A LOT” ♖And now you're both blushing a deep red. ♖Before you could answer, he gets up and runs away, which surprised you immensely. ♖Now you need to go find a flustered boy and tell him if you like him or not. Good luck with that, and don't die. Kaede Akamatsu- ♬She was DETERMINED. ♬Nothing could stop her now. She was literally on her way to your house right now to go and confess to you. ♬At 2 AM. ♬On a Sunday. ♬But she didn't even care. True love was worth it, right? ♬So, when she burst through your window, effectively breaking the glass and ripping the curtains, you were surprised, to say the least. ♬”Kaede what the FUCK are you doing in my house at 2 AM?” ♬”Y/N I’M HERE TO PROCLAIM MY LOVE FOR YOU” ♬On comes a long, and passion-filled confession. It was so early that you weren't thinking when you responded. You either made a decision that would literally keep you bound to her for life, or make her day horrible and make her gross sob to Shuichi. It all depends on how your dreary form at 2 AM responded.

[punkscowardschampions]

Fearghal & Kaitlin

Fearghal: [So the setup is sending her a postcard pretending to be a mate visiting in England for whatever reason (could be fam you get the vibe, nothing suspect given the time this is) but giving enough info that she 1. Knows it is him 2. has the number of at least a phonebox nearby if not a phone in his care home 3. a time when he plans to first call the phonebox nearest their home in Ireland, assumedly this is some sneaky twin shit they've pulled similar enough before that she can catch on without any of the rest of the fam also doing so; only question is how long do we want it to be since he left?] Kaitlin: [3 months ish later then and they've turned 15 but only just for our ref how do we think the situation is with his dad etc like would he just be acting like he's dead cos is to him?] Fearghal: [basically my vibe was they wanted to weaponize Tabby killing herself for their gain, like make it something political even though literally not about that bar the fact her family and his family and co didn't want them together and she was a dramatic teenage girl in love (no offense but like) and so when he wouldn't go along with that there was a massive fight, actual, between him and his dad and then Fearghal left 'cos there's never any option but to do as your told with this fam and he can't lose face with all the other people etc etc and the story the dad is telling the fam etc is that Fearghal deserted them which not untrue but yeah, good enough for all the olders to disown him too so it'd be like we don't talk about him and if someone else bring him up you denounce him] Kaitlin: [let's say there's a crying baby in the background cos like in my OG post she can use her youngest sister needing fresh air as an excuse so casually left her outside the phonebox but might be able to hear her if she's going for it] Kaitlin: How ya Fearghal: K? Fuck's sake, you've not had a bastard, have ya? 's'not been that long, like Kaitlin: Catch yourself on! mind how ya ma was fit to drop, you eejit? well we're all lurred she had another girl who I'm hauling about as my cover, so I am Fearghal: [Laughs] Still easy to windup then [slight pause to take in that it's a girl and is here, like not the biggest shock but also literally no way of knowing at this time so] And go on, don't leave me in suspense, what name they burden the poor fucker with Kaitlin: [makes an unimpressed noise like fuck off] full of that good craic you are, bet the brits are buzzing to hear it. You ready? Niamh Roisin, it's a cracker, like [sighs] Fearghal: [laughs some more] Yeah, catch me on that most wanted list, obviously [makes a wincing noise like no] Christ, actually lost it fully then, has she? Made it longer than some but dunno if mentals get to heaven, haveta ask Father Quigley, like Kaitlin: [laughs herself] yeah yeah [makes like a idk noise] can you lose what you've never had? A good catholic'll find a way, to be sure, and she is that, our ma [makes a scornful noise at the mention of the priest as is standard for her] Fearghal: [makes a mm noise to agree] Suppose so, don't reckon much was said 'bout being good to 'em once you had 'em, so be alright [sighs] What have you been up to, then...How's it been Kaitlin: if it was she'd recite between the lines to keep us anyone's problem but hers, poor critter [sarcastic laugh because mum's getting no real sympathy] it could've been 3 days from when you went off for what's changed and not- [a long pause because everything's shit and we know it is] Fearghal: What's God if not top babysitter, eh? Cheaper than telly and who's giving money to the BBC [scoffs but cuts it short 'cos yep] And I'm fine too, you rude cow Kaitlin: and stand him next to our earthly da and he comes out lookin' class [chefs kiss noise] Hey now! [makes a fake noise of shock like she's appalled at the mention of the bbc] watch your profanity around me, dicko! [really long exaggerated sigh as a pisstake] a'course you are, land well anywhere, but hit me with your bars, it's no bother to hear how right I am Fearghal: If you can get him stand still long enough, like and you ain't a lad so no chance, babe [does pisstake wistful sigh] Forgot you needed protecting from the evils of this world, my apologies [coughs awkwardly then, stalling for time, fiddling with the phone in ways she can probably hear] Taking a bow as we speak, can't fit in here with me but the adoring fans are aplenty over this way, well more than there so fuck it, life's grand so it is Kaitlin: Wise up, boy, he only sways slightly of an evening on these ones lately so he does [but her voice is MAD because fuck being a girl in this fam] Did you now? Thank fuck my new lad has his uses then, like [takes a deep breath to try and calm down but exaggerates it for the pisstake because have to, god forbid they are serious rn] I went and saw your former biggest fan under that rock they've carved with protestant shite, no word on if life's grander for her now it's ended or if she's regretting she didn't send her prayers up saying she wanted another bite of the cherry, one that wasn't yours- [stops like I've probably gone a bit far here and shouldn't mention his dead ex anymore] Fearghal: Good for him [through gritted teeth like let's never talk about him thank you] Like you need a replacement protector, got how many ready and willing at home, just DYING to beat the shit out of some 15 year old kid for your honour and just for the craic of it [does it back, like and then is silent until the pips are going but he's still there 'cos they stop when he puts more money in] You'll be under some rock with Catholic shite if they catch you in their graveyard [says it much more quietly than he's said the rest] Kaitlin: [makes a noise of disgust that doesn't need to be exaggerated for the pisstake cos genuinely horrified at this fam thanks] what honour? Shame you brought down on us with what they caught you at [but her voice is softer too because didn't mean to go off and also doesn't mean any of that we know] supposed to scare me, is it? [said like I wouldn't be here to give them a chance to do it just like you weren't] Fearghal: Why you need to ask one of the others, ain't it; can't be the best looking of the bunch and the best behaved, got to leave something for 'em to do and impressing n pleasing him 's'never been high on my to-do so have at it, lads [does meh noise like this is all so casual] Called the fear of God for a reason, aye Kaitlin: [does the meh noise back and it's her turn to awkwardly fiddle with the phone/cough while she works up to saying what she does next, more quietly than she has anything else] how's it truly then? Away and everything. Free and clear Fearghal: It's, like- just shit because you realize that everything that happens in that fucking town, all the stuff that rules our lives and is all they give a shit about, no other cunt does, you know, Kait? Sure, its on the news when another bomb goes off or don't and that; but the English don't even have to think about it, their day to day ain't affected at all, no fucker but our lot cares and what's the point, honestly? Everything we were forced to at least think was important, if not fecking stupid, ain't and now I don't- [Stops to do some actual breathing to calm down] Not to mention I'm thick as shite, thanks for that and all- 'cos frees a bloody joke [laughs bitterly] I get by, now, got a place to stay so, don't haveta worry but don't be hopping the next ferry yourself, girl Kaitlin: [when you're just silent for ages because as much as you think it's bullshit you're basically in a cult rn with no chance of getting out so what can you say like] not that thick, warning me off coming to keep an eye on all these english girls with theirs on ya but no bother 'cause mind I get sea sick and class as boking on brits sounds I'd get fairly covered myself before I made any casualties of 'em Fearghal: Know enough about girls and enough about you to know the two don't need mixing, that's just school of life, that [moving away a bit and telling someone who's impatiently waiting to fuck off] Stay put [when you say it firmly like serious voice] That wain and the rest needs someone VAGUELY sane about to stand any chance, fuck me, Aislinn's already been corrupted and she's barely in double digits [kicks the box] Kaitlin: [laughs because yeah don't let her around any girls you like babe] you should know enough about me to know what giving me your orders'll do fer ya and what it'll make me do [but there's no actual real threat in it we all know she's staying for the bubs] Sane as you by that count, ain't I? [can't help genuinely sighing] Mammy's girl is Aislinn been like it since she was old enough to play house [grimaces at the thought cos never that bitch] got the rest under MY apron strings, grand they are and it goes for the stories I tell 'em every night after prayers, rest easy yourself knowing that, yeah? Fearghal: Alright, alright [hear the 🙄😏] But if you wanna be the next to bring shame on 'em, you can do better than a cheeky abortion, surely? [shakes his head] Yeah. [Pause] Yeah [Coughs again] I'm doing my bit, swear, it's gonna take a while 'til I can send you anything and I've got to work out how when I do- it ain't for them, just you lot but like I said, not cheap Kaitlin: [an outraged noise like who do you think you're talking to, of course I can do better than that etc] Yeah. [Pauses herself because again what to say, there's so much it's too much] I've got faith in the right shite, Gally [nickname ftw because feels] it'll work out. We'll work it out, like we did this Fearghal: 'Course we will, K. No other choice, is there [definitely not a question] Kaitlin: not a real question, is it? [she knows its not] Fearghal: you want me to ask you one? Kaitlin: do English girls fall for that? Fearghal: Enough of 'em, yeah Kaitlin: [makes a ugh noise] how you've got a bed, is it? Fearghal: Theirs top where mine is Kaitlin: I deeply feel that Fearghal: [makes the kinda sad 'ha' sound like 'I know'] Not all bad though, some class drugs about and you don't get kneecapped for taking a casual interest Kaitlin: [does a little hooray down the phone] Fearghal: Send you some but your phones probably tapped so I definitely won't Kaitlin: thanks or no thanks, depending who'll be listening Fearghal: Cover those bases and the baby's ears Kaitlin: nothing to be heard over her crying Fearghal: don't lie, you miss me that much [laughs] Kaitlin: fuck off [but laughs too] Fearghal: Will do Fearghal: so many English girls Kaitlin: [exaggerated being sick noise] nowhere close to a ferry and sick as a dog, don't start me any further Fearghal: You think I escaped to pray every day and fight the good fight, like Kaitlin: if you still pray you ain't escaped fuck all Fearghal: Not living on my knees for no cunt, sis Fearghal: am being haunted, for my sins, though Kaitlin: Be on track to commit more, you'll have enough ghosts for all manner of shite to get done Fearghal: No rest for the wicked on the one hand, but on the other, idle hands and idle minds [breathes out like so conflicted and confused] Kaitlin: [a change in tone because serious] She's gone, so are you. Leave it here. Leave it in this fucking town Fearghal: Not a choice Kaitlin: Can be Fearghal: Nah, s'not, boths already happened Kaitlin: Happened to you, gives you a say in how you deal with it Fearghal: Yeah Kaitlin: You've lived in one haunted house as things stand, ain't you? Miss home that much, is it? Fearghal: How could I not? Live for these lectures, like Kaitlin: [an unamused noise because you're basically calling her a nagging girl which ain't a mood] Fearghal: [the pips again] Oh shit, should robably let you go, yeah? Kaitlin: Yeah probably [but she obvs doesn't wanna that'd be clear] Fearghal: Tell the kids I miss 'em, won't ya Kaitlin: I'll even include her out there Fearghal: Try and send a picture some time, alright Kaitlin: 'Course Fearghal: You too, kid Kaitlin: [laughs but in a more genuine way] You're my twin brother, calling me kid is calling yourself a wain, you eejit Fearghal: That's alright by me, like Kaitlin: I'll not baby you, got enough noses and arses to wipe here while you're hand holding these brits Fearghal: No handholding, on me life, just good old-fashioned- [will cut him off before he can be gross] Kaitlin: [we can say she cuts him off with a very unamused noise as per like no thank you] Fearghal: G'wan then, piss off before that kid freezes to death Kaitlin: [doesn't wanna be the first one to hang up obvs] Watch yourself then Fearghal: You too Fearghal: When can we do this again then Kaitlin: When can you? It's no bother for me to slip out with this ginger whinger, needs fresh air so she does Fearghal: [laughs then is pondering like umm] Try next Sunday, after church, if I don't answer then I'll send another postcard or whatever, yeah Kaitlin: Tryin' to get a free sermon told to ya, respect that hustle if not the message Fearghal: Obviously, how am I getting to heaven from England? Kaitlin: [laughs] no angels in England is there not? You'll have been thinking on your feet for fresh pick up lines all these months, no wonder you ain't had time for me, like Fearghal: Something like that... [Trails off 'cos don't wanna tell her what's really been going on but also does 'cos not its like that and its been a lot to just deal with on his own] Kaitlin: But it's something else like what? [cos sees through you boyyy] Fearghal: It's alright now, like Fearghal: but it ain't as if the old man sent me on me way with anywhere to go, is it Kaitlin: He didn't put a bullet in your head as a send off, that's what gets me to sleep of a night, but- [trails off because she was gonna say she knows it hasn't been easy but she doesn't know how hard it's been and she's not trying to guess like let's compare struggles] Kaitlin: Yeah [another pause] Fearghal: Should've put one in his [so under his breath it's like did you mean that to be heard or] Kaitlin: You'd have to take ma out an' all, I don't reckon the broken heart myth is anything other than another story, and probably a few of us would make the cut for cute little orphans but you and me'd have to catch ourselves on quick and wise up Fearghal: Make Tara look after you all as well as Diarmaid's kids, see how committed to the family she really is [sniffs 'cos we been knew] Kaitlin: [makes an identical sound cos twinning] I'll take her out if she was bothered to try and get near 'em Fearghal: Least Owie is old enough to help out, young enough to give a clout, yeah? [genuine concern] Kaitlin: [scoffs because we know he's a bit of a knob but it's still affectionate because] Fearghal: He'll be alright [but doesn't sound as reassuring as that's meant to be 'cos like unlikely at this point] Kaitlin: He's got me, my will's stronger than god's so father Q likes to say [laughs] under his breath, a'course Fearghal: [laughs back but its less 'cos sad] He doesn't always chat shite Kaitlin: Reckon he's a soft spot for me Fearghal: [makes noise like 'hopefully not too soft' but is joking, doesn't need to be that kind of priest] Kaitlin: I don't wish you were here Fearghal: How could he not, with the charm [but just jk like] Is it better, in some ways Kaitlin: It's...[trails off cos we all know even if there's less hassle it's not better as far as she's concerned and the loneliness is a real mood] I'm buzzing you got out [genuine but her voice is sad] Fearghal: Your turn next, I mean it Kaitlin: After we get a few birthday's under Niamh's belt [pauses because it's sinking in how stuck she is for now] and the rest, give 'em a fighting chance Fearghal: Yeah Fearghal: I'll make it easier, any which way I can Kaitlin: Me too, for you, I mean Fearghal: I'm grand, honest but cheers [more pips] I am outta shrapnel though so- Kaitlin: Don't be putting honest on a lie [frustrated sigh because nobody wants this to end but she wouldn't have money] speak Sunday and like I said, watch yourself Fearghal: Love ya, K ['cos no time to take the piss for it or protest] Kaitlin: [let's say she gets cut off before she can say it back for the pain]

[whattoreadinsteadofdrinking]

birthday party/week recap aka this post is long af

This week was really intense for a lot of reasons, and despite having slept for 12 hours last night I woke up tired and cranky and full of the bad kind of regret feelings that usually I associate with drinking, only now I am associating them with other things, like being honest and vulnerable, so I’m gonna write it all out.  Heads up that this will be long, boring, and you probably don’t want or need to read all of this since it’s just a bunch of rambling and my attempt to get my thoughts straight so I can have a more balanced day.

I knew this week was coming up and I knew it would be a long one.  On Thursday, I was scheduled to be a guest speaker at a fundraising banquet for a program that gets scholarships for low income students so they can leave our public school system (which in my area, is basically a systematic way to keep poor kids poor) and into private schools where they have a great chance of success.  I was chosen to speak because I used to work for the public schools here, and while I believe wholeheartedly in public schooling, it only works if the wealthy actually pay their goddamn taxes instead of opting out of it.  Our schools in the public sector here are so bad that I had 8th grade students who could not read.  I mean really could not read at all.   I could write a lot about that but I won’t.  

I’ve been practicing my speech but the thing is that it’s a topic I’m really passionate about and it makes me emotional.  As I’ve written about on here before, I began really drinking when I began teaching, so in the past, the way I dealt with the emotions this brought up was to have a beer (read: 5 beers).  Talking about my experience in the public school system over and over, to myself, and then preparing to do it in front of a hundred people, was A Whole Lot.  And then on Thursday when it was time to do it, I almost cried at the end when I was sharing about the progress one of my kiddos has made in my current (private) school.  It was a good speech and was received well, and I don’t feel bad about getting that “oohhhh she’s close to tears” voice in front of people because let’s be honest people CRY SOMETIMES, but my boss made a weird comment about it at work the next day and now I am paranoid that I sounded like an ass who couldn’t get it together.  Her comment singlehandedly took what felt like a victory and turned it into something I am a little embarrassed by.  I am aware that I am the one letting her comment have that much weight but I can’t seem to un-feel it. I can think through it and realize it doesn’t matter and her opinion doesn’t matter but I can’t un-feel how unhappy it made me to hear that, if that makes sense.

The theme of “being vulnerable in front of others” from that night was just a huge carry-over from Wednesday, when I shared some really upsetting and frank truths about my journey in group.  It was hard but needed.  I don’t regret it, and everyone else was sharing, and honestly it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders to be that honest with people about where I’m at, but like.  Telling people you’re an addict is hard.  And you can’t take it back.  They will never un-know it now.  They will know that about me forever.  I feel good about having said what I said and simultaneously I feel like Toby from the Office during that scene when he accidentally touches Pam’s leg, realizes he’s exposed himself in a humiliating way, and announces that he’s moving to Costa Rica.  Then runs and jumps the fence of the office park and runs away into the night.  I want to jump the fence and run into the night and move to Costa Rica.  That’s how being vulnerable with others makes me feel.

So Wednesday, vulnerable at group, Thursday, vulnerable in a speech in front of a hundred people (many of whom are my coworkers, friends, and superiors at work), and yesterday was my birthday.  I planned a birthday that I wanted rather than the one I thought I should have-- i.e, I didn’t invite some people from my friend group who upset me or who I feel do not respect my boundaries.  I also invited people from a bunch of different areas of my life, which, while not a big deal in itself, felt a little like taking the compartments out of my social scene because many of them have not met each other before.  I was feeling good about it until my one friend asked when J was coming and if I’d had a text from him asking about where we were.  I replied that J hadn’t texted me.  He kept asking questions til I said, “well, I didn’t invite him.  It’s nothing personal, we just aren’t that close.”  My friend looked really taken aback because this guy is a close part of our mutual friend group.  What he doesn’t know is that J is a creep who continues to infringe on my boundaries by asking me personal and inappropriate questions, sharing things with me that I do not wish to know, and not taking “no” for an answer when he asks me on a date (I wrote a REALLY long post about this situation a while ago.  It continues to be sucky and terrible.) Our other friend, who is basically the most smiley human being on this planet, began frowning at me, so I clarified by saying that when you have a lot of friends, the downside is that you have to choose who to invite to your birthday party out of a big group and so I only invited people I felt closest to. 

I want to just tell my friends that this guy is a creep but they are men, and no offense to them, but I already know that they are the kind of dudes who are not going to understand why having to repeat “no” to a guy over and over can be triggering.  And I don’t owe them an explanation for that or for any reason why a man may be unsettling to me.  I am not Gandalf, I do not need to be their wise guide through the lands of “This is What Misogyny Is And How It Complicates Women’s Lives” Middle Earth.

Anyway they gave me some weird looks and now I am nervous because they told me they told this dude about the party.  So I’m waiting for him to confront me on that. Yay.

Then I was dancing with my friend and she spun me around and I accidentally lost my footing and fell fully backwards onto the guy behind me.  It hurt my back.  Everyone saw.  It was embarrassing. Dancing has been a way for me to practice being more in my body and vulnerable, a thing I chose to do as I started this sobriety thing, both to take up time and connect with others. Falling over while dancing, in front of literally all my closest friends, felt like a metaphor for this entire week.  Because it turns out that being vulnerable sometimes feels awesome and works out great, and sometimes ends up with you looking like an idiot in front of people who matter to you, and the hard thing about being vulnerable is that you have to accept both outcomes.  You have to be ready to fall on your ass, in public, on your birthday.  You can’t just have the sunshine-y smiley fun times, and have those mean anything, without risking looking like a fool.

I used to cover up the times I felt like a fool by drinking.  Or, I would drink to feel connected to others and not lonely and disengaged enough that I didn’t feel the need to share who I was, and avoid ever feeling foolish at all.  Now it’s Saturday, I slept for 12 hours, I am fed and hydrated and ready for the day, and my brain is just running in cirlces inside my head shouting “YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT! EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE AN IDIOT!  GOOD LUCK FACING PEOPLE NEXT WEEK!  JUMP THE FENCE AND MOVE TO COSTA RICA! ABORT SOBRIETY, ABORT FRIENDSHIPS, DON’T GO DANCE CLASS TOMORROW, STAY QUIET ABOUT THAT RUDE GUY AND APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE TIL THEY REALLY CAN’T STAND YOU! WOOOOOO!”

But. but.  I am gonna quiet my brain down.  I am gonna cook stir fry and listen to a Beatles album.  I am gonna post this long-ass post, and truly may God bless you if you’ve read this far because for heaven’s sake I can’t imagine how bored you are, and let all the feelings go.  I am gonna call my sister and go for a long walk. I  am gonna continue to see my friends and not apologize for anything I’ve done this week because you know what?  I DO NOT NEED TO BE SORRY FOR BEING A HUMAN BEING.  I don’t need to be sorry for sharing my story of teaching, and having an emotional reaction to what is a huge horrifying injustice that keeps poor people of color from having the same chances in life as white suburban kids.  I don’t need to apologize for sharing my story in a group that is specifically about sharing our stories.  I don’t need to apologize for keeping space between me and people who refuse to respect boundaries.  I don’t need to apologize for falling down while dancing (except to the dude I landed on, lol.) I don’t need to live life being sorry for being me.  I may FEEL sorry and like I owe people a debt for being in their life or taking up their time or whatever, but I know that that feeling isn’t based on truth. and a part of getting that truth to feel real is, letting myself be human, sober, and move on.

xoxo Sarah

[languagesmustbeorganic]

Your writings concerning your thoughts on Christianity were beautifully written, especially the part about the river. I'm not Christian, but I've always felt some tug toward Jesus' words. As someone who grew up surrounded by Christians, I can say it is the hypocrisy and the hatred that turned me away from it. I have a hard time believing people have real faith if they won't do as Jesus' says for the sake of self-preservation.

Thanks for reading and taking time to share the kind words.What you said really touches on the uttermost importance of what Christianityin America seems to be missing; the wide gap between what Jesus says and callsfor His follows to do, and what they actually do. Since he’s “being recognizedmore and more”, now would be a good time to quote the great abolitionistFredrick Douglas who said, “Between the Christianity of this land and theChristianity of Christ, I recognize the widest possible difference”. This isalso echoed by Mahatma Gandhi who is attributed as saying, “I like your Christ,I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

And I want to personally apologize to you and say that I am truly sorrythat what you experienced from the Christians in your life was one filled withthat same type of hypocrisy and hate mentioned above; and not the radical love and grace ofJesus. I must admit that at one point in my life growing up I was starting tofall into that horrible blase comfort trap of American Christianity and was starting to losefaith myself, when I started actually reading the Bible and what Jesus said, and itwas nothing like what the church was doing. The church I had attended was allabout looking a certain way and fitting into the church mold. (Like the SteveTaylor song). One that was complacent, nationalistic, and served a Jesus whothey could fit into their comfortable 9 -5 life. A Jesus who’s words could befolded up and stored until Sunday morning, or until they needed to justify apolitical position. A Christianity that cared more about ending abortion orstopping gay marriage then it did about the person getting the abortion, or thecouple wanting to get married. Jesus wouldn’tbe picketing or yelling for prayer in school, He would be out with the peoplesharing love and hope.

When I look at the Jesus found in the Bible, what I see is atotal badass who cannot be found only when it is convenient, but insteaddemands a person’s whole life. The idea that one could follow Jesus and care about self-preservationis an oxymoron. As Paul says in Galatians 2:20, “I have been crucified withChrist. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life Inow live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gavehimself for me.” It is an all-encompassing thing, and yeah at times it’s really,really, tough. I will be the first to admit that there I times when I am apretty bad Christian myself, but I try every day to better represent Christ andnot myself.

I mean here is Jesus, a guy who comes out and says I knowthis is what you’ve been told, but I totally have something way better! It’sthe true gospel or “good news” and more importantly is completely chalked fullof love. LOVE is the key. Jesus’ words are the literally the antithesis of hate. Aquick look at His words and actions shows that. Turn the other cheek, pray foryour enemies, if someone sues you for your tunic let him have your cloak as well,if you’re forced to walk one mile go two! Not exactly a prosperity gospel!

I mean the stuff that He says is so radical, I do not knowhow anyone can claim the mantle of Christ and then not totally be known forlove. True Christianity is not a prosperity gospel, or a political movement, or an anti-LGBT message. It’sa gospel of love and servitude to God and mankind who is made in God’s image. Itis why Christians are called to take in the homeless, the junkies, the coolkids, the losers, the jocks, the rich, the poor, the outcasts of society whoGod loves just as much as Billy Graham. It is why Nietzsche had such a problemwith the perceived weakness and what he saw as slave mentality of trueChristianity. It’s as Christ says in John 13:34-35 “A new commandment I giveyou: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. Bythis all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Christianitythat is not fully based, immersed and completely drowned and saturated in loveis not Christianity but a bastardization, a cheap and utterly worthlessimitation of the real thing.

Christianity is at it’s very core a message of love, grace,and undeserved mercy; one that no matter what anyone has done in their lifeJesus loves them, and they can always still be saved. That He will meet themwhere they are whether they are dressed like kings, or in tattered rags therewill always be a seat ready for them at the table that overflows with love. They will always be welcome in the family of God.

Again thank you for the kind words, and I am sorry that theChristians in your life did not properly represent Jesus. If you have any otherquestions or want to know more please do not hesitate to ask!

Also two books that really opened my eyes to the radicalnessof Jesus and Christianity are: The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne andCharis: God's Scandalous Grace for Us by Preston Sprinkle. And if you want to read them Iwill gladly send them to you.

[reyphorian]

A mostly in depth guide to why abortion is murder and that thing is clearly a fully formed human baby you heathen

just kidding

There’s a lot of myths and misconceptions regarding abortion and what qualifies as living and late term abortions and all that jazz so I’m here to teach you about this stuff. Granted, I’ll be avoiding statistics as much as I can only because sourcing to reputable sites and studies is hard when you’re a chronically exhausted person like me and reading through peer reviewed studies is tedious for a truly solid sourced guide, however what I will be talking about are things that are hella easy to google for fact checking if you’re really determined to tell me I’m wrong and support infanticide and I’m a satan worshiper or something. Several of the statistics can in fact be found on the Orlando Women’s Center website and will be indicated with an asterisk since all the statistics are on the same page. Also apologies in advance for using female only language. I am fully aware that there are men and non-binary people who can get pregnant and need abortions, but for the sake of simplicity for the time being, the fact that it’s mostly cis women receiving them, and the knowledge that most pro-lifers don’t realize this or acknowledge them, I will not be using inclusive language unless otherwise necessary.

Myth 1: Unwanted pregnancies can be prevented with birth control/responsible planning.

I know they always tell you not to provide anecdotes to prove points but I think this time it’s reasonable. I’m a birth control baby. In other words, my parents were using birth control (3 kinds actually!) the night they had sex that resulted in my conception. Now, if you could prevent all pregnancies simply by using a condom or taking a pill then I wouldn’t be here right now, nor would the 54% of women who received abortions even after using contraceptives during sex.* But the truth is, no form of easily obtainable birth control is guaranteed to always work. Even in the clinical testing for condoms, the pill, IEDs, and depo shots the success rates weren’t at 100%, and those settings are literally the best, meaning success rates at home are a bit lower because of mistakes or improper use. The only forms of birth control that are guaranteed to always work are hysterectomies and abstinence, the former being highly invasive, expensive, and permanent, the latter being unreasonable as most people actually need sex for the emotional bonding and mood improvement it often provides.

Myth 2: The heart beats at 18 days.

This is probably one of the worst arguments I’ve seen from pro-lifers because it indicates how little they actually know about prenatal development.

This thing right here is a human embryo at day 18, taken from a lovely chart that wikipedia has on their prenatal development article. So tell me where exactly is that heart I’m supposed to be seeing? The answer is nowhere, because it’s not a baby. It’s an embryo, not even a fetus. You’re telling me that’s the exact same thing as a fully developed and birthed baby? Nah, I don’t think so. Whatever “heartbeat” they’re hearing is nothing more than the throbbing of a literal clump of cells. This thing is no more living or sentient than a piece of lettuce in my salad last night. It’s so underdeveloped that aside from the yolk and amniotic sacs, none of those things are identifiable parts you’d hear about in a fully developed human. Every time a pro-lifer says the heart beats at 18 days, show them this and play a game of pin the tail on the donkey and see if they can find the heart because I certainly can’t. Also, the heart, as in the actual heart that looks just like the ones we have in our bodies, isn’t detected until past 10 weeks.

Myth 3: Fetuses can feel pain/The Silent Scream

The Silent Scream is a commonly cited video depicting a fetus being aborted and opening it’s mouth as if screaming in pain, however the video was debunked over 20 years ago by the medical community. The brain itself doesn’t begin forming until week 26, and the brain connections to the thalamus which allow us to sense pain and have a sense of consciousness aren’t formed until week 30. Over 88% of abortions are performed within the first 12 weeks of pregnancy*, meaning any muscle movements or open mouths are involuntary movements not caused by pain. Muscles develop before nerves, so just because it’s moving doesn’t mean it feels pain.

Myth 4: The Heart Beats At 18 Days: Return of the Heartbeat

Yeah I know I already went over this but there’s actually two parts to the famous pro-life saying. The first part was debunking the myth that an embryo has a heart. The second part is debunking the myth that a heartbeat indicates life and therefore is a living human being. So let me ask you this, why, if a heartbeat indicates life, is it that when someone’s heart stops we take time to resuscitate them? The answer is...

Brainwaves! You see, the brain is what controls all functions of the human body, sensory reception, memory, voluntary muscle movements, and involuntary muscle movements. Involuntary muscle movements are one’s we’re not conscious of doing, like digestion and heartbeats. Without the brain working, the heart stops beating and the only way to keep it beating is via life support systems. We resuscitate people whose hearts have stopped because in between the cessation of breathing, there’s 10 to 15 minutes before the body becomes too deprived of oxygen and vital areas of the brain will cease functioning, which is usually the point where a person is announced brain dead and no longer legally nor medically considered living. Going back to the points in Myth 3, the connections to the thalamus are when we develop our first brainwaves, meaning until that point, what is growing is not legally nor medically considered a living human being.

A fetus/embryo is living biologically, however, biological life is not a reason as to why abortion is murder. If biological life were necessary for something to be murder then you may as well consider eating vegetables, killing bugs, washing your hands, and taking antibiotics to be murder as well since all of those actions kill things that are biologically living. Spiders and flies are more alive than embryos and fetuses are but we wouldn’t say killing them is murder. To claim that something lesser is more important than something more developed simply because it has the potential of becoming a human shows a lack of consistency in morals, and that morals only exist when they benefit or conflict with your own personal morals (which isn’t how it works in the law).

Myth 5: Late Term Abortions

1.1% of abortions occur past 20 weeks* but none of them are done willingly in the same way abortions are done. Late term abortions are life-saving medical procedures only done on wanted pregnancies where the safety of the one or both is at risk. This usually happens on ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages, and situations where it’s no longer safe to continue carrying. Think about it this way, you’ve been pregnant for over 20 weeks now, but at week 27 you find out that the baby’s heart stopped beating. You can continue to keep the pregnancy for another 19 weeks (4.4 months), knowing that for those 4 months you are carrying a dead child, or you can get a late term abortion. Most people wouldn’t want to spend that long carrying their now deceased child, nor is it psychologically or physically healthy to do so. Getting rid of late term abortions means forcing a woman to continue to carry a dead baby until she gives birth. Imagine going up to a woman who is visibly pregnant and asking about it, only to have her tell you that it’s dead. She’s not giving birth to a baby, she’s giving birth to a corpse in several weeks. Here’s another situation, you’re well along in your pregnancy and your partner and you go to the doctor for another checkup after feeling unwell for a little while. The doctor does an ultrasound only to tell you that something has gone wrong and if you continue the pregnancy both you and the child will die. You also have several other children at home. You can either get a late term abortion and live and continue to care for your other children, or you can die with your child, leaving a grieving spouse and children. Your uterus and ovaries will be fine so you can always try again later on. These are just two of the realities that women already face or will face when you take away the right to late term abortions. No woman wants to have a late term abortion. Most of the time those late term abortions are performed on pregnancies where the parent/s already picked out a name, set up a room with toys, and had a baby shower.

Myth 6: A fetus isn’t a woman’s body

Okay, this is kinda not so much a myth as it is kinda true. See, there’s this fantastic thing we have called bodily autonomy, the same thing that makes it illegal for a doctor to take your organs for donation if you don’t have the sticker on your ID that says you’re a registered organ donor. It’s the same thing that makes rape and assault illegal. Bodily autonomy is the right to your own body. That means nobody else can tell you what to do with it, and anyone who infringes upon that right can be faced with legal charges. So basically, the fetus isn’t you, but it does exist in you, in your uterus, and it’s a violation of your bodily autonomy if you don’t want it. Forcing a woman to keep an unwanted pregnancy or requiring her to have the permission of her partner denies her the right to her own body. It means you believe in giving dead bodies more autonomy than living people. It places the health of a clump of cells over her, and seeing as it’s a clump of cells and not a sentient living human, her rights trump the fetus’ (which it doesn’t have since it’s not a person).That’s why the phrase “my body, my choice,” still stands even when a pro-lifer claims that the fetus isn’t her own body. It’s still her uterus being occupied, her nutrients being taken. An unwanted pregnancy is no different than a malignant tumor or a parasite, and nobody has to keep either of those, so a fetus should be no different.

Myth 7: Adoption is always an option/Some people are infertile and can’t get pregnant

A lot of people can’t actually carry pregnancies due to preexisting medical conditions like illness or psychological issues, or people who are transgender (like me!). Some people are psychologically unsound and pregnancies my exacerbate the issues further from the massive changes in hormones during and after pregnancy. Some people are too sick to carry or risk passing on a condition or illness to the child that would make caring for them too expensive or that would leave their life shortened so drastically that they wouldn’t live beyond childhood or even infancy. Some people who are transgender can’t have children because of the gender dysphoria and physical changes associated with pregnancy. We’re already having a hard enough time dealing with our bodies as they are, so why force us to go through something that’s literally considered the essence of womanhood and the gender that we’re not?

It’s also important to remember that there are already thousands of children in the adoption system, but it’s really only newborns and foreign children that get adopted. Once they hit toddler and child stages their chances of being adopted drop drastically. Teenagers have almost no chance of being adopted and remain in the system until adulthood. A lot of kids that go through the system also end up being abused or raped by foster parents, and it’s common to meet people who’ve had very bad experiences being in the system. Why put yet another child in there when there are plenty of other kids waiting to be adopted? Also guilt tripping people into keeping a pregnancy is a shitty thing to do. I mean, would you tell someone who’s dieting that they should eat all their food because there are starving children in Africa? Someone else’s situation isn’t going to change what someone wants to do or does with their choices. There’s other people who are actually willing to be surrogates and choose to carry a pregnancy, so there’s no reason to force someone to carry an unwanted pregnancy.

I’ve covered all the topics that I can remember and feel comfortable explaining, so if there’s any other stuff you wanna add on feel free to do so, and please share to destroy myths, misconceptions, and common arguments from pro-lifers against abortions!