#and I've been getting good results from it

[ellecdc]

okay but what about when a puck goes flying wild and hits medic!reader square in the face (talking concussion, wound, blood, bruise, whatever u feel like) and her whole team goes crazy both in terms of protectiveness of her but also confusion bc what do we do without our favourite medic??? (can be in the remus hockey player or pt universe, anything u feel like luv)

is there a bug in my wall? how do you know this is EXACTLY what I've been daydreaming about????? I demand answers! (thank youuuuu for the request)

hockey player!Remus Lupin x team medic!reader who's a real member of the team [2k words]

part 1 | part two | part 3

CW: injury, angry Swedes, writers distaste for her home team (of which she cheers for), Scandinavian's beefing with each other but it's in good fun

Remus was certain the game clock was moving in slow motion, or that whoever was in charge of it forgot to hit play a few times when the play would continue. He needed this game to be over. 

He needed to get you you.

The entire game had been frustratingly slow; both teams scored one goal in the first period, and then nothing happened in the entire second period. A fight broke out at the beginning of the third, but then it seemed like they were back to nothing happening.

That is, until the worst thing happened.

The Leafs were lining up for a goal in the Lion’s zone with a one man advantage due to Fenwick’s tripping penalty. Grönvall, Dearborn, Nadeau, and Potter were on the ice for the penalty kill, blocking shots for Krum with various parts of their bodies that Remus was sure was going to result in wicked bruises.

Matthews had the puck behind the net, sending it up the boards towards Nylander, Nylander passed it to Rielly who quickly tipped it to Marner, Marner passed it back to Matthews who was now in front of the net, back to Marner who went to pass it to Ekman-Larson, but Nylander reached forward with his stick at the last minute; the puck had been travelling too fast and simply tipped off of Nylander’s stick, ricocheting towards the Lion’s bench.

The Lions - who had been watching the puck - ducked. 

You - who had been watching Nadeau who was now limping after blocking a particularly nasty shot with his knee - didn’t see it coming. 

The puck hit you right in the face.

Your head whipped to the side in surprise before you all but fell from where you were standing on the bench. 

The play stopped, but that was on account of the puck being out of play and not on account that a member of the team - the most important member of the team, if you asked Remus - was down. 

“I’m fine.” You hissed at everybody - the players on the bench, the players on the ice, the coaching staff - who had called your name. But you had your face in your hands, were kneeling on the wet rubber floor, and your voice came out pinched.

“Y/N.” Remus barked, suddenly feeling breathless even though he’d not been on the ice, unable to push through the other players on the bench to get to you. 

Lars - the team's PT - placed a gentle hand on your shoulder and bent down beside you, and Remus was struck with how much this looked like how you cared for the players when you met them on the ice. Head low, soft murmurs so that no one else could hear, and a comforting hand. 

“Stay out here for the team, in case they need you.” Your response came muffled from behind your hands, and you quickly stood and took off down the tunnel towards the locker room alone. 

Remus only registered the sound of whistles being blown then, James having clearly chirped at one of the Toronto players, earning him a shove from Rielly before Grönvall, Nylander, Dearborn, and Marner paired off, too.

“That should be a fucking delay of game!” James barked at the ref who was shoving him towards the Lion’s bench (and away from Rielly’s jugular). 

“I heard ya the first time, Potter.” The referee grumbled as James got off the ice. 

“Fan har du glömt hur fan man siktar på det jävla nätet, Nylander?” (translation: did you fucking forget how to aim for the damn net) Remus spat as he watched number 88 skate towards the Toronto bench.

“Kukhuvud.” (translation: dickhead) Nylander muttered back as he stepped off the ice.

“That’s enough, number 10.” The ref barked warningly at Remus. 

Remus did not think that was enough, however, and looked over at the Toronto bench only to find the team medic giving some instruction to their PT before disappearing down their own tunnel, and Remus felt his heart unclench slightly. 

He sincerely hoped he was going to check on you.

Remus wondered if he should do the same.

“Lupin, Black, Trenholm; you’re on.” Coach barked, and Remus tried to breath around his panic as he pushed himself over the boards and lined up for the face off. 

“Loops, the more times the whistle needs to be blown, the longer it’s going to take to get back to the locker room.” James whispered to Remus as they repositioned for another face off.

“Unless you’re trying to get kicked out of the game for a misconduct.” Sirius added breezily from his other side. “Then you’re on the right track.” 

“Do not get any penalties or injuries.” James continued severely. “She cannot help you right now and you’ll be of no help to her.”

Remus let out a groan and playfully shoved his two line mates away from him. “Okay, Cap. Don’t have to be so damn reasonable all the time.” 

“Isn’t he the worst?” Sirius chuckled, though Remus knew he was likely glad James talked Remus down.  

And it was only once Remus stopped going for blood and focused more on ending the fucking game - which required one more goal so as not to go into overtime - did the clock finally start running down. 

Fenwick ended up tipping in a shot from Sirius with only 30 seconds left of the third, and since Remus was getting off and knew he wouldn’t be needed in the last 29 seconds of the game, he stepped off the ice and completely bypassed the bench as he made for the locker room. 

“Y/N?” Remus called as he made it to the empty locker room. “Doc?” 

He checked the exam room which was empty before checking the dark room next.

After knocking gently and without waiting for a response, Remus pushed the door open to find you sitting on the floor with your back against the wall, eyes closed and face pointed to the ceiling as you held an ice pack to your cheek. 

“Baby.” 

“Is the game over?” You asked then, turning to look at him and basically ripping his heart right out of his chest when he noticed the drying tear tracks on your face. 

Before Remus could respond, the sound of the arena horn blared signalling the end of the game. 

“Yes, the game is over.”

“Did we win?”

Remus forced a laugh out as he took off all the equipment he could manage; his gloves, helmet, his jersey, followed by his elbow pads and finally his shoulder pads, leaving him in only his underarmour on his top half. “Of course we won, lovie. Think we were gonna let them get away with that?”

You tried to smile at him, but the deep sigh that left your lungs told him it was just for show.

“My poor girl.” He cooed as he reached for the ice you were holding to your face. “What happened, hm? Let me see.”

You released your hold on the ice pack that Remus gently pulled away to expose your cheek; already mottled and blooming with deep, bruising colours. It had even broken the skin, though it seemed that it was shallow enough to only require a piece of medical tape slapped over it. 

“Den jävlan.” (translation: that fucker) Remus muttered under his breath. “I can’t believe he did this to you.”

Your brows furrowed at Remus’ words but you didn’t get a chance to respond when the sounds from the locker room permeated the dark room. 

“Loops, is doc-” ‘in here?’ was left unsaid when Remus turned to see Sirius standing in the doorway with Isak and Benjy behind him, exposing your form huddled on the ground. 

“Doc.” Benjy whined, earning him an elbow in the ribs from Isak and a reproachful shushing from Sirius. 

“Concussion protocol, Fenny.” Sirius hissed at him, earning him a quiet laugh from you which Remus was eternally grateful for.

“Does anyone need me?” You asked quietly, causing all four boys to shout (albeit quietly) various protests. 

“I think these fuckers can manage to tape up their own jammed fingers for one game, yeah?” Benjy offered. 

“Lars can help, too.” Isak agreed.

“There ya have it doc, your job has been made obsolete!” Sirius cheered. “You’re welcome.” 

“Alright, alright. Get out of here.” Remus grumbled with no real ire, letting out a breath of relief when the sounds from the locker room faded away when the door was shut behind them. 

“Were you looked at?” He asked you then, repositioning the ice to your cheek as he cupped the opposite side of your face with his free hand. 

“Yeah. The Toronto medic checked me out.”

“Concussion?”

“Probably.” 

Remus made a sympathetic tsking sound as he pulled the ice back from your face as if expecting the bruising to have gone down in the last 15 seconds. “I hate this.”

“What? My face?” You tried to tease. 

“No.” Remus denied, shooting you an exasperated look. “What he’s done to your face.” 

“It was a puck, Rem.” You chided. “It happens.”

“But not to you.”

“This is how I feel when you get hurt, you know.” You pointed out to him, even lifting one of your eyebrows expectantly at him.

Remus groaned. “But it’s supposed to happen to me.”

“It’s hockey. Now I’m just a real member of the team.”

Remus tilted his head as he smiled at you. “You’ve always been a member of the team, doc.” He assured you. “The prettiest member, at that.”

You hummed in appreciation as he moved his hand down the column of your neck; touch gentle and reverent as you tilted your head back against the wall.

“Don’t let Black hear you say that.” 

Remus tried to control his laughter, he really did, but he couldn’t help the surprised bark that bubbled up at your words. “You know, I think he may feel bad enough to bestow the title to you.”

“You think?” You asked then, tilting your head into his hand that was holding the ice pack. 

“Positive.” He promised, smiling at you in semi-content silence before tsking pathetically at you again. “My poor sweet girl; what do you need, hm? What can I do?” 

You looked at him for a long moment; eyes darting across his face and pupils perhaps a bit too wide considering what just happened that threatened to make Remus’ protective ire return to its former boil from its current simmer when you came to some decision.

“Can you go shower?”

“Shower?” He asked disbelievingly, noticing you turn somewhat bashful.

“Please?” 

“Yeah, you smell and you’re getting sweat all over our gorgeous medic.” James offered quietly as he slowly closed the door behind him; donned in his team hoodie and a pair of sweats, hair still dripping from the shower he just got out of and his contacts traded for his usual glasses as he moved across the room to sit beside you against the wall. “I’ve got it from here, Loops, but you’ll want to be quick; Grönvall knows doc has a thing for Swedes now, I may not be able to fight him off for long.”

James looked so earnest as he said it that the way his face melted at the sound of your laughter made Remus’ love for his teammate and captain increase tenfold; heart threatening to burst from his chest.

“Okay?” He asked you, pressing a kiss to your forehead and then to your uninjured cheek, and then to the tip of your nose before placing one on your lips. “You’ll be okay with Cap? Think you can manage?”

“I’ll do my best.” You responded, your soft smile growing cheeky at the sound of James’ scoff, though your one eye twitched as you winced. “Fuck my face hurts.”

“Get out of here, Loops. You’re making her smile and hurting her face.” James scolded. 

“Alright, alright. Just don’t leave me for Grönvall.” Remus insisted as he pressed one more kiss to your head before he stood and began walking towards the door. “I mean it; the only thing worse than a Norwegian or a Dane is another Swede.”

[great-now-im-confused]

Look shit is going to get bad. It's always going to get bad. But with that it means it'll get better too. What's good and bad is different for everyone. Many things that are bad for you know might stay that way. But many of them will also progress and change and actually get better. Beyond that thought, if you stay and you fight, you will get better. Maybe it is your family that'll always be crazy, maybe the political world will be beyond bleak for the foreseeable future, but if you stay you'll be able to see the things that will improve and will be good. I know so many of us have so much on our plates right now and the results of yesterday and dreadful. But please stay. I promise it'll be worth it.

Sure everything you hope for might not happen but you'll never get to know the things that WILL if you stay. I know the point of this post is mostly to address the dread many of us feel after the election. And I fully get it trust me I do. But as someone who has made that choice before and I am so grateful it didn't work for me to be able to still be here I want to share a few things.

"it gets better" is both right and wrong in my opinion. Yes sometimes the things that have you down so bad that you walk that path can absolutely get better. Sometimes they don't though and while that sucks it's okay. Because as I said before, YOU get better. (Not to run into "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" stuff because I get it, why do we have to be strong) You grow, you learn, you change. And with that growth and change your state of mind often changes too. Admittedly my life isn't too different from when I reached that point, but it's also so much better in so many ways. I'll use my family for an example. My family is so chaotic it's overwhelming and that hasn't changed, what has changed though is my ability to cope with it. I am still the one everyone runs to to fix problems. I still try to fix those problems more than I probably should, but I have started to learn to say no and to put up boundaries with them. So while yes it hasn't changed for the most part the growth I've had within myself has allowed me some space from all the chaos and it's truly helped me.

Then there's things like medication and therapy that's has helped immensely along the way. And I fully understand that not everyone has the same access to things I have been lucky enough to have along the way as the journey is different for everyone. And especially given the outcome of yesterday those things may become even harder to obtain for others. But I will say I also thought a lot of those things were out of my reach and I started asking the right questions and made it a little father (again this won't be true for everyone but hopefully will be able to at least a few)

I reached a standstill with progressing in my career because I didn't know what to do next. One day I got super lucky and met a new person who gave me so much guidance (more than I think they know) and it reignited my passion for my goals (again I know I am super lucky to find myself in that situation). My point with that is we have to be able to reach each other because you never know who you can help (with something that may be simple to you) and who can help you. You don't get to experience that if you're gone.

I'm not trying to get into my whole story or journey but I'm trying to share enough that it makes sense and is understood when I say I know what it feels like to be that low and I know what it feels like to overcome it. So please trust me on that.

I know things are scary right now. So much is uncertain and on the line. But you won't fix it by overly stressing about it and you won't fix anything is you don't stay. Times are going to get challenging and it's going to get hard and rough, but we will always be able to do something about it, especially together. So I can't help you if I leave and you can't help me if you go.

So take some time to process you frustration, your grief, and your fears. Then when you're ready take a deep breath and be prepared. Be prepared to take action. Figure out what is most important to you that you fear will change with the coming times. It could be your number 1 thing it could be a top 3-10 depending on what you have the energy for. And. Then start to learn. What can you do to help, what can you do to make a change, how can you make a difference. Then make a plan. When we all taken action things will start to be okay again.

But we can't inform each other if we're not here. We can't help if we're not here. Like OP said times have been bad before throughout history and humans have survived and we'll survive this. If you need a reminder and it won't mess you up too much look into the things people have preserved through (try not to focus too much on those tragically lost to those times because that won't help in this situation)

I know this is long and has gone all over the place but I needed to get this out because it's just part of everything swirling in my mind lately. So, sorry is it's a little hard to understand my points, if you'd like to reach out to discuss any of it with me if gladly try to be more clear on some of it I just was trying to not fully take over OP's post with my response (which I know I more than likely have by now, SORRY OP) this post just resonated with me and everything started flowing. So please just stay even if it means me typing all of this out was worth it and because you are worth it and we will work together to make it better

I hope none of you disappear in the coming days. Seriously don't do anything that can't be undone.

[imagitory]

I've never been more heartbroken in my life.

I was gobsmacked in 2016, don't get me wrong. I was devastated and frightened and shaken beyond words. I even had to go behind a wall and collect myself at one point that horrible November 9th, 2016, after colliding with a man wearing a red MAGA hat at work. A good chunk of us at work talked amongst ourselves about it, offering each other comfort.

But this? This is different. I could imagine dumb people making excuses for voting for Trump in 2016 -- saying that they thought a businessman would be good for the economy, saying that they wanted someone who wasn't a "Washington insider" like Hilary Clinton. Sure, it was stupid, but people can be stupid. Quite frankly, a lot of people are stupid, in this country and otherwise.

But now? Anyone who voted for Trump now has voted for a man who not only rounded up immigrants and put them in concentration camps separated from their families; bungled the response to COVID-19 so badly that the American death toll easily surpassed every other country on Earth; has poisoned the Supreme Court to the extent that they overturned years of precedence with Roe V. Wade and has basically given Trump cart-blanche to do whatever he wants while he's president; was the first president in history to refuse to concede on election day; was impeached for crimes in office not once but TWICE; was instrumental to and passionately supportive of the full-on attempted coup at the U.S. capitol on January 6, 2021 that could've very easily resulted in the deaths of his own Vice President and multiple members of Congress; has spoken glowingly of despots like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un and even said he will be "a dictator on day one" if elected again; has both used slogans originally used by modern American Neo-Nazis ("America First") and purportedly told one of his ex-subordinates that he wanted generals like Adolf Hitler's...but also has by the day proven more and more just how mentally inept, vindictive, and mean-spirited he truly is.

And unlike in his previous races, Trump is ahead in the popular vote too. We can't just blame this on the electoral college being antiquated and gerrymandered AF like in the Trump-Clinton or Bush-Gore elections. Even if all of the third-party voters in this country had grown a bloody brain cell and voted for Harris so as to show solidarity against Trump and his form of American fascism, it still somehow wouldn't be enough. We could potentially blame this on lower voter turn-out -- according to what I'm seeing so far, even with all the votes not counted in this race yet, it looks like there were far less votes cast this election than in the last one, though likely still more than the 2016 race. But even so, I don't think that's the only problem. I truly think there were just a lot of people who turned out en-masse to vote for Trump. And all I can think in regards to those people is...

This is beyond stupidity or even selfishness. This is cruelty. This is large swaths of people deciding that they want fellow American citizens to suffer -- because in their minds, if those people suffer, that'll somehow make them happy. This is a large chunk of America saying, "yeah, you know all that crap about 'liberty and justice for all'? Screw that, I want a 'strong man' to bully people different from me for my own amusement." And -- perhaps -- there's also an element of feeling like their vote doesn't really have any consequences for them, so why should they care if the man they voted for is a god-awful person? It's not like that man will hurt them.

I had hoped. I had hoped, seeing the outpouring of support from liberals, independents, and conservatives for Harris/Walz. I'd hoped, seeing how many ex-Trump appointees were standing up against him, how much people were shouting their disdain for Project 2025 from the rooftops, and how many women were protesting in the face of Roe V. Wade being overturned. I truly had started to hope that America would prove we'd grown beyond our country's own original sin -- how our United States preached freedom for all while still being built on the backs of slaves and refusing to grant a vote to over half their population -- by electing a smart, successful, charismatic woman of color who sees our country as great in potential and wants us to pursue that potential as our first female president, rather than backtracking all the slow progress we've made over the last 200+ years.

But now...my hope has faded. My heart is in pieces and the world is so dark. I hardly know how I'll function at work tomorrow, even if I know somehow, I have to try. We'll all have to stand somehow. Somehow, someway...we'll have to find the strength. We'll have to stand, and we'll have to keep moving forward, even when it feels like we're a Little Mermaid walking on knives.

We'll have to stand.

[thatdisasterauthor]

Putting aside the "my life is in danger" questions for a second here, I don't even know where I stand from a base level standpoint.

My current job ends November 30th. I just got offered a fulltime version of that job, but it wouldn't start until sometime next year. Maybe. Because that job is with the Forest Service, which is already hanging on by a thread. I do not see an outcome where the Forest Service survives this.

And if it does survive enough for me to at least work it next year, what then? What if my unemployment gets snatched away before I start again in the spring? THEN we have the fact that this job is only affordable because there is currently a retention pay bonus thing that gives me an additional 25% per paycheck, but that's already set to run out in 2026, but what if they end it before then? The Wildland Firefighter Paycheck Protection Act has been kicked around the government for years, and this retention pay thing was just the stopgap that they kept extending. No way that act actually gets passed under this administration. And I can't pay my bills without that extra pay.

Applied for a FEMA job too, but that's not in any better position. The pay is a lot better, but FEMA ain't exactly secure either.

I've got no real support network. Haven't talked to my mother in years and she wouldn't be any help even if I did. Cut my dad off when the election results were announced. My sister is in basically the same boat I am, and lives three hours away. Rest of the family is 90% red. I've only got one actual friend in the town where I live right now. I have no savings. I have massive student debt that should've been forgiven in January 2025, but the government is behind on the Borrower Defense to Repayment settlement.

Like. I just don't see a good path through this right now. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I am so fucking exhausted.

[bambiilooza]

so ur au is about Poseidon learning to be kinder after being banished? Neat! wonder if maybe he could convince the other gods that they don't need to rule through fear?

also,are there any gods who go out of their way to help him? I mean...for most of them he IS either their brother or uncle after all

i've mentioned before but the au isn't about him learning to be kinder. i think him fully going through an arc like that is too ooc but, that's just my interpretation.

it's more about him being forced to accept that his power is gone and as a result, he will mellow out. but, the point of the au isn't that he becomes kind. he's not going to regain his lost power.

and yea, they are all family but, he is fated to this life now and there's not much they can do and at first, most of them are judgemental of him. and don't want to help him. everyone would have different views on it - that i won't go into detail about - but the jist of it is that he was ungodly and while they would care about him, that would be second to the respect they lost for him.

and, he isn't going to get his power back, he cannot convince the gods they need to stop ruling through fear. he can't prove that.

ik this makes the au sound like a bummer but, the point of the au isn't to make a perfect happy ending. i want it to be the best of a bad situation. and the 'best' just takes a while and part of that is poseidon believing the rest of the gods - his family - thinks he's unworthy.

this isn't to say the gods don't play a major role in the story i have planned. zeus, hades and hestia are the ones that also play the biggest role in the story. amphitrite is also a major character but i don't wanna ramble. (if anyone has questions tho, feel free to ask :D)

ALSO!!

here's a drawing @t4m3-simp did of hestia in the au. it's so good and has been living in brain rent free. so many ideas stemmed from this one drawing. (SHE DID SUCH A GOOD JOB🔥🔥)

this isn't my design for her btw.

[murkystarlight]

Well- thanks for the tag. Um... storytelling my life, huh.

Well, you can... officially say I've got one of the most boring and normal life ever.

I always hear or see kids talking about something that happened in their life. Like breaking a bone or two... getting sick really often... heck, my brother got a fish bone stuck in his throat once and my sister had an incident while jumping on a trampoline and her tounge(the tip of it) was dangling, almost falling off

But me? ...I barely got sick when I was younger according to my grandmother. I think I may have sprained my ankle once in my life. But that's all. Nothing worth telling a story about. Especially since I can't remember a bunch of stuff.

Uhhhhh maybe the story of how I got a nose bleed.

I got like... two nose bleeds my entire life. And I remember exactly why. I could have other times that I don't remember but- once in like.. a dojo when I was young to learn jujitsu or taekwondo or something- there was a small fight between the kids and my stupid ass thought it's be a good idea to try and stop them(either that or I just got hit while walking past them lol) so yeah. That's the first one. And second one... it was 2-3 years ago? I stayed up a night. And got a nose bleed. Which was strange. I wasn't even that tired on that day. Nor have I had a nosebleed when I was not sleeping at night. Also another funny(?) thing about this, I stayed up for two days in a row about a week before, and I was fine during that.

If I go through more recent stuff though, there's a little bit more events(because I have become a weird person during the last 3 years). Like two years ago, it was the start of a new school year. We took a bunch of different kind of tests. Similar to personality tests. One of the results... must've been a bit... bad. Cause my mom got a message from the school asking if she wanted to send me to the school therapy(not too big or serious I assume. It's just a school therapy system after all). Of course I reassured her and she didn't think it would be a problem so I didn't go.

Or last year. When I hit a guy on the back of his head. With a book. Either the Mark of Athena or The blood of Olympus :)

it's so weird to me that everyone on this website is a human person outside of their weird internet niche so rb this with a random bit of your lore

[reactionimagesdaily]

Reaction images aside, how are you holding up?

Aww, thanks for asking. :P

To be honest, I'm probably doing better than most. I'm a healthy cishet white man who lives in the UK, so I don't have nearly as much to worry about as I know a lot of people do. (Also hey, I'm enjoying the new Dragon Age game, so that's been nice.) But I also know what kind of ramifications this election is bound to have, both inside the US and beyond.

(I mean, the world's biggest democracy is getting overtly more hostile and authoriarian in real time (y'know. again), and I know on this side of the pond we've got some real brain donors who'd love to see something similar happen here. I'm worried about what Trump could do once he's back in charge, and I'm worried about what might happen to my own country, with it's 'special relationship' to the US, as a result. And I'm not alone in that.

All this on a fuckin' Wednesday...)

Anyway, I had a longer thing written out here about the concept of orthopraxis (just while I was trying to get my thoughts in order, lmao) but the core of what I want to say is this:

I think we're about to see an uptick in people being shitty

I'm going to counter that by doing un-shitty things

What do I mean by un-shitty things? Well, I've been meaning to participate in Amnesty International's 'Write For Rights' campaign for months - I just fired off my first email today. I've already donated to causes supporting Gaza in the past, but now I'm also planning to write to my local MP about how annoyed I am that my country is still culpable in genocide. Make my voice heard, you know? I also want to keep making art that people enjoy, because I think that's important. And I'm going to buy another commission from an artist I like, because they could probably use something good in their life right now. And... to be honest, I'm not sure what else I'll do yet. When I figure it out, though, I'll try and actually do it.

Maybe for you, un-shitty things mean something smaller scale. Hugging your loved ones for longer, or giving that loose change you always carry around to the next homeless person you see. That's good too. Maybe it's something larger in scale, and that's awesome! But to anyone who's reading this, I'd definitely recommend doing something that not only feels good, but is also TANGIBLE. Not only does doing feel good, but it means that you're improving someone else's life, in however small a way. Which, y'know. Net positive, innit.

(Yes, I'm aware this is basically the 'when you see someone being so mean it inspires you to be kinder meme', lmao. No, I don't really care.)

You asked me how I'm holding up? Well, the first thing I'd like to do is respond to your question in kind: how are you holding up? In a general sense? In specific ways? Hopes, anxieties, plans?

And the next thing I'm going to do is tell you that I'm more than holding up.

I'm locking in.

[smarteoasis]

❀ 24/7 - nishimura riki.

warnings : short filthy smut, cussing, alcohol

gift for all of you since I've been MIA:3

thinking about younger brothers best friend riki. you're one year older than him, so you've always viewed him as a second brother.

he can't relate to those platonic thoughts though. ever since you were little kids, he's been in love with you. you were aware of his feelings, as he's confessed to you on numerous occasions.

recently, riki's had a major glow up. and your teenage girl hormones are through the roof, + you're ovulating.

he's been going to the gym, resulting in toned abs and subtly biceps.

poor you. you don't know what to do with yourself. ever since your boyfriend broke up with you, the only thing keeping you satisfied was a shitty vibrator and a silicone toy.

on the positive side.. today, you and your brother jungwon are hosting a party at your house. you're praying to the gods above that you'll find a guy to hook up with to get rid of those filthy thoughts about your brothers bestfriend.

you didn't know that riki was gonna come too, but you should've expected it. you saw him in the kitchen, drinking from a bottle of vodka, dressed in his typical baggy pants and a compression shirt.

fuck, you think. your pussy clenches around literal nothing as you drink him in, shooting heart eyes his way.

riki looks up, waving at you shyly as he notices the tiny skirt and croptop you're wearing.

you groan to yourself, walking to the crowd to try and find a possible contestant for your sex dreams.

couple hours later..

four drinks in, and yet no guys to fuck around with. you're losing your shit. the only guy on your mind is riki, whose been staring at you the whole night.

little do you know, he's experiencing the same dilemma.

your plump ass peeking through your skirt everytime you walk past him, paired with your perfect tits bouncing in that tank top.. he's going crazy.

he wants you, and only you. but he's too scared to get rejected, so he just watches you from afar.

that is until..

what the hell? are you talking to the lee heeseung? no way you're hooking up with him.

something inside of him snaps, so he stands up and drags you far away from heeseung, locking you both in your room.

"what the fuck, riki? i was in the middle of-"

"persuading him to fuck you? yeah i know."

your eyes widen in disbelief and embarrassment, crossing your arms and scoffing.

"what's it to you, riki? he's not even a bad guy."

he sighs, walking over to you and pressing you down on your bed, looming over you with his tall figure.

"i know. but.. i can't stand watching you from afar anymore. i want you- hell, i need you."

riki's voice breaks in desperation, caressing your cheek softly.

you stare up at him with wide eyes and a open mouth, contemplating slamming your lips against him and riding him till sunrise.

fuck it.

two hours later, he's blowing your back out for the second time tonight, tip hitting your gspot as his cock bullies deeper into you.

"fuckk.. thaaaats it. you're so tight." he groans, balls slapping against your clit with a wet plap.

"gonna cum again ki- fuuuck!" you moan, choking on air as your tight walls close around him.

he cums with you, painting your cunt white from the inside.

riki slowly pulls out, cock limp, red and wet. he lays down next to you and pulls you into a sloppy kiss, fingers finding your perky nipples as he squeezes and rolls them between his index and middle.

"mm.. be my girlfriend and ill fuck you like this as often as you want." he whispers between kisses.

"sounds good.." you kiss him back lazily, content with the nights events.

the rest of the party continues till early morning, and you wake up when jungwon accidentally barges into your room, only to see a naked riki laying down next to your blanket covered form.

he screams like a child, rushing out of the room and never speaking about it again.

now, your heart and your cunt are full of riki, 24/7.

[schraubd]

Resilient Fascism

I still haven't decided if I'm going to do my traditional liveblog of the election. It may just be too stressful. Plus, I have to teach an early-morning class tomorrow, and it would be bad if I stayed up all night tracking election returns (lol, like I have a choice). While we're waiting for results to come in, I want to briefly comment on news abroad -- namely, that Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu has fired his Defense Minister, Yoav Gallant. It is yet another incident of capricious chaos meant to appease Netanyahu's furthest-right base, and is being greeted with yet another round of mass protests throughout Israel. And I can't help but think it is a premonition of what America will be like if Trump wins another term. When I look at what's happening over there, what stands out to me is the resilience of the Israeli government -- and not in a good way. What's been striking about the current Israeli government is not just the blundering into crisis after crisis that has typified its time in office, but how it has managed to survive and endure them while barely budging. It has survived near-constant protests, brutally sagging popularity, a seemingly endless (now two-front!) war, complete abandonment of hostages, regular evidence of widespread corruption, and increasing international isolation, and has through all of it only deepened its commitment to the furthest-right fringes of its governing coalition.  It's not that it's been able to accomplish all its heart's desires (the judicial coup continues to tread water), but it has hunkered itself down and proven nearly impossible to dislodge. Why isn't widespread public rage and scandal enough to bring down the government? Simple: because the people in government know that the minute they dismount the tiger they've been riding, they'll get devoured. So they bound about from desperate move to desperate move, breaking this rule, smashing that norm, all in complete defiance of the popular will, hoping to find a magic bullet that will forestall the inevitable day of reckoning. Chaos, dysfunction, unpopularity, public rage -- even in extreme doses none of it has proven enough to dislodge the authoritarian nightmare once it took root. This isn't an Israel-only story -- I saw someone else making a similar observation about India -- but it is a grim harbinger of what will happen if Trump re-enters office. It was hard enough getting him out of office the first time. The second time around, he'll be even worse. It is beyond obvious he will take extreme, authoritarian measures to protect himself and to hurt his enemies, ones that will prove ruinously unpopular and will prompt widespread public protest. And it won't matter -- even leaving aside the myriad ways our "democratic" institutions do not reflect the democratic will, every incentive of Trump's ruling coalition will be to not respond to popular outrage, to not give an inch, to double-down at every moment. And the evidence from Israel suggests that this is a workable strategy -- when the fascists take power, their power is alarmingly resilient to public fury and terrifyingly immune to public outrage. The first results should start appearing momentarily. I've spent all day on a "doom and bloom" cycle, but at this point we can only watch. I'm praying that America makes the right call, that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. via The Debate Link https://ift.tt/tx4jSyf

[mrfancyfoot]

Today I logged into facebook for the first time in nearly 4 years and went through every profile in my friends list (like ~300) and purged out all the assholes (anyone who openly voted for Trump, other conservatives, and those who I strongly believe did). I've done this before so there weren't many but there are a number that have been wishy-washy with being outward in their bigotry and it helps me keep a mental list of people that deserve only the most very basic level of respect that I can muster because they certainly do not respect me nor people I care about nor many of their fellow human beings. Most disheartening is seeing friends and family who continue to put effort into engaging with people who argue in bad faith and weaponized ignorance.

I dated a man for nearly a year who went to women's and pro-choice rallies and liberal groups with me and said many times that he "was on my side" but turned out to be lying the whole time because he knew I definitely wouldn't date him otherwise. I'd known him for years before since we ran in the same friend circle. I wasn't the only one he had fooled. He slowly lifted the mask until we were constantly arguing because of his bigoted and racist remarks. His favorite thing to do was act oppressed and show me the most obvious Russian propaganda that he would get upset at me for fact-checking and asking for real sources. He wanted to argue, so what he hated most was when I refused to argue with him. Nothing I said was going to change his mind, so I wasn't going to humor or tolerate it (we didn't last long after that point, but by that time, I was afraid of leaving without an excuse that would be "good enough" for him). He legitimately wants civil war so that he can play survival hero and feel validated in his hatred. It didn't come on quickly and a lot of the comments started as "odd" off the cuff things through the time that we dated. He was very much pretending to be a kind person and once really called out, that pretense dropped. He thought I was more like him and that a lot of my regard and kindness for others is "fake." Because that's what a lot of people like that do - they fake being kind for optics, they are not actually kind people, and therefore presume that everyone else is doing the same thing. It's given me major trust issues.

Can't say this enough: these people feel validation in their bigotry when you continue to associate with them. They need to be dropped. They need to learn that their shitty beliefs mean that they get shunned. Make them feel uncomfortable. Quit tiptoeing around and coddling their delicate little feelings because they might get upset. It's okay for them to get upset because someone was mean and told them they don't like them because they think gay and trans people shouldn't exist. I once made a post about how a raped 11 year old child should never be expected to give birth, was told that it was "god's will" and like 5 people piled on the guy so badly he told us to stop being "mean" to him and was terrified to talk to me at work ever again (I have since cut all ties and no longer work with him). I'm personally extremely tired of playing nice for the sake of possibly "converting" someone - especially because you can be polite in telling someone to fuck off with their beliefs. Their beliefs are dangerous, are going to result in people losing their lives, and a frightening number of them are completely okay with that. We need to stop being tolerant of intolerance. It is okay to cut people (including family) from your life when all their presence does is bring you stress and harm.

In a similar vain, don't let the people who chose not to vote (or "protest voted") stick their heads in the sand to escape blame. They are just as culpable as anyone else who directly voted for Trump and other conservatives. They need to grow the fuck up.

For a lot of liberals, it's really uncomfortable to be confrontational and feel like you're being intolerant of someone, but it's way past time to play hardball and call them out instead of coddling them, especially as we're going into the holiday season where many of us will be seeing family with shitty views and targeted family that may need someone to stand up for them. Let them know they're shitty and inappropriate and a disappointment and unworthy of your regard because they certainly lack it for others. Obviously still be safe, but many of us very likely aren't losing anything of value in that scenario. Not having bigoted family members in my life in any way has made me so much happier.

A helpful tip to those who may find themselves in a confrontation: do not stay engaged. Let your views be known and then disengage. Because many of them love to argue and feel like they're defending themselves (many are addicted to those feelings of hatred and overcoming "oppression"), what they don't like is being ignored and feeling like you're rinsing your hands of them. They don't deserve your stress and constant efforts. There are ways to open a dialogue when they are willing to discuss civilly with an open mind, but if they bring intolerance, just shut it down.

(via jhig8bd0cczd1.png (PNG Image, 744 × 810 pixels))

[starstruckbyacomet]

Goodbye for Now

Almost 2 months ago I posted a list of possible hurdles that Oliver had warned us about (link):

It's possibly because of something from Tommy's past (we might get a Tommy Begins of some sort).

It possibly would happen through episodes 8x05 and 8x06.

Buck will go to Bobby, Maddie, and Eddie for support during that period.

Buck might find out about Tommy's past (being a racist and mysoginist a-hole) and couldn't accept it, or

Tommy might meet Carla. Carla might tell Buck that Tommy had lied to Abby and used her as a beard in the past. Abby was hurt badly because of it, and Buck couldn't accept it.

Buck might break up with Tommy.

Buck might try to date another man or a woman (if they want to emphasize that Buck is bisexual, not gay).

When I made the above list, I half-jokingly wrote down the worst posssibilities I could think of. The purpose of my post back then is to prepare other Tevan shippers who at the time had doubt about the relationship. I told them that grown-up relationships had all sorts of challenges, including break-ups. I also told them to watch Disney Princess movies if they couldn't handle it.

Who knew that almost 2 months later I have to swallow my own pills?

As contradictive as it sounds, I'm not happy that my predictions come true, including the possibility of Buck dating men & women again (prediction #7) which could happen based on interview with Oliver Stark (link)

Will Buck and Tommy make up?

Negative sign:

There are two interviews with Lou which I still refused to read, because the writers used to be Buddie baiters. But according to fans who have read it, the break up seems final.

Positive signs:

A)) 9-1-1 official Instagram account wouldn't follow Lou in the first place if he wouldn't stay for long term. Last time I check, 9-1-1 account still following Lou.

B)) Things that I wrote in my previous post still stand (link).

Tim and Oliver has said they wanted Buck to get out of the relationship hamster wheel and have a steady meaningful one instead.

Unlike Abby, whom they broke up with Buck because Tim had difficulties in writing her interaction with other 118 family members, Tommy has known most of the 118 family even before Buck does. There is no difficulty in making scripts where Tommy interacts with other 118 members without Buck's presence.

And the most important reason is: THE RATING IS HIGH when Tevan relationship is going strong.

My conclusion: There are 2 options:

The break-up is only temporary, to spice things up. Unfortunately, the timing is really bad because it is aired after the fuck-up US election result 🤦.

Tommy is moving to the new 9-1-1 spin-off, which probably located in Hawaii (link). If this happens, the break-up might be permanent, but it will be good for Lou's career.

What's next?

Although I think Tommy will come back in the 9-1-1 universe, I'm still upset. The 2nd term of Trump and Tevan's break-up happened within the same week! WTF??? I refuse to deal with both at the same time.

This is a list of what I will and will not do, and what I've done:

I will not harrass Tim Minear, Oliver Stark, or even the show on social media. I will not post my disappointment on unrelated social media contents. We have experienced how annoying it was when toxic Buddie fans did it. I refuse to do the same. I suggest other Tevan fans too. We are better than that.

I have unfollowed all 9-1-1 related social media accounts, both official and not. Yes, it is included 911bts and 911cast Tumblr accounts. I think this is a healthy way to voice my disappointment and to maintain my mental health.

I will stop watching the show until Tommy is (or, is officially announced to be) back on screen. The only exception will be when they show Bathena's new house for the first time, because I've been waiting to see it. Other than that, just no. Not even when Eddie reunites with Chris, if that happens before Tommy is back on screen. This step might even save me a few bucks, actually 😅.

I will stop engaging with 9-1-1 related contents on the internet. I will not read any articles about the show. I will not comment, post, reblog or do anything with contents about 9-1-1 on the internet.

I will stop reading 9-1-1 fics because I never comfortable following ships which are against canon. That's why I don't ship Buddie. And now that Tevan broke-up, I cannot engage with AUs where they are still together.

If you think Tevan will make up, why do you quit the show? Because:

I consume entertainment contents to be entertained, not to be depressed. I used to skip sad chapters on novels, and only read them when I'm ready. Buck without Tommy is a sad chapter for me, so I skip it.

This is my way to voice my disappointment in a healthy way. Things that matter the most for the show are rating/viewership and rating/viewership-related metrics. My actions may not have significant impacts to the show, but I am satisfied, nonetheless. Especially, after Oliver's comment that he has actively asked Tim Minear to 'Let Buck F–k' men and women (link). His ask is not only a regression to slutty Buck 1.0 (which we thought he has grown out of), but also strengthening the stereotype that bisexual people are easy to fuck around. A stereotype that a lot of bisexual people want to shred.

Tim Minear and Oliver Stark have the right to make the story as they see fit. This show is not customed to my preference. I'm very much aware of that. This is a "love it or leave it" product. So, I choose to leave it. For now.

To my followers: As I mentioned in my account, you can unfollow me. I use Tumblr as a scrapbook, not to gain followers. I was actually surprised and felt a bit guilty when people start following me, because I don't create arts, gifs, or fics. So, feel free to unfollow me. No hard feeling.

To other Tevan shippers: I know this is beyond disappointing, but please keep your online behavior in check. Please keep in mind that if you post your disapointment in social media, toxic Buddie shippers will eat you alive. Even if you don't, Buddie shippers will be gloating all over the internet. If you can't handle it, I suggest to forgo any interactions in 9-1-1 social media, at least temporarily.

Special thanks to my fellow Tevan fans and the lovely Buddietommy multishippers whom I've met during this journey. I hope we'll meet again. What a roller-coaster ride.

Now, back to Disney Princess movies... 😂

[menfenced]

I've seen a lot of posts in the last 24 hours about why Kamala lost and I feel like most of them are failing to actually look at reasons voters are giving. Instead, they're putting forward what they personally didn't like about Kamala's campaign. But here's the thing to remember... You didn't like that thing about Kamala's campaign. You still voted for her. There's something else going on.

Because people didn't just vote against Kamala. They voted FOR Trump, and early polling results are showing they did it across the board in almost every demographic.

I've seen the calls for investigations into voter fraud and voter suppression because "this doesn't just happen!" and I agree with one thing. This doesn't "just" happen. There's a reason and democrats aren't listening. Because it's not just a handful of counties that got hacked or had crazy people trying to stop votes or didn't get all of their ballots counted. That's not to say that none of that stuff happened, of course. There may have been serious issues in some counties. But across the board, in nearly every state and every county, even if he didn't outright win, Trump made gains. The only two states where he didn't make gains: Washington State and Utah.

If that's due to voter fraud or hacked elections, it would have to be on a scale unlike anything we have ever seen before and honestly, we don't have any evidence of that right now.

So what happened? What do we know?

We know that since the pandemic and since the record inflation that caused, incumbent leaders all over the world have been losing elections at higher rates than usual. That crosses all political persuasions and again, has been seen across the globe.

Based on polling prior to the election, which remained fairly consistent throughout the election run, 3/4 US voters think the country is on the wrong track and 2/3 are unhappy with the economy.

Biden's approval rating when this election started was 40-41%

This is all a recipe for an incumbent losing, which to be frank, most people still saw Kamala as, even though she was running instead of Biden.

In addition to all of that, let's look at what the exit polls showed.

Kamala's approval rating in the exit polls was 48.5%

Donald Trump's approval ratings in the exit polls was 44.54%

And I know he wasn't running, but just for context Biden's approval ratings were 40%

When asked if Harris's views were too extreme, 46% said yes, 51% said no.

When asked if Trump's views were too extreme, 55% said yes, 43% said no.

So how did he win?

People like him less and think he's more extreme. Why did they vote for him?

Well, let's look at some other polling data.

45% of voters said that their family's personal financial situation was worse off than it was four years ago.

Only 25% said their financial situation was better than it was 4 years ago.

75% of people polled said that in the last year, inflation has caused them either severe or moderate hardship.

When asked who can bring needed change, 73% of voters said Trump and only 25% said Harris.

What that means is that a majority of American's don't like Trump. They don't think he's a good person. They think he's too extreme. And yet they still voted for him because the issue that was most important in this election was the economy.

Will Trump be better for the economy?

No.

But there's a perception that the current administration did not do everything they could have to fix it and people were willing to roll the dice on someone different.

Maybe we could have done more. Kamala only had 110 days to make her case and no matter what she said, the fact remained that she is the sitting VP. Maybe there was no way for her to escape the incumbent/status quo perception.

I hope we can learn something from the behavior of the American electorate this year, and I really hope Trump doesn't fuck things up too bad before we get another chance to step in, because the Republican Party is learning things too. They're learning that they can be as extreme as they want, but if they can make people believe the economy will work better under their leadership, even if it's not true, they'll still get votes.

[thevoidstaredback]

Okay.

Okay...

I'm going to take a step back. I recommend everyone take a step back for today. Just, take a step back, sit down for a moment, and breathe.

Worst case scenario just dropped, if you haven't heard. Um, I'm terrified. Not in the joking way that I usually use the word, either. I am honest to God terrified for the next 4 years.

This is gonna be a "Do as I say, not as I do" moment, okay?

Okay.

Get off of social media. Just, stay off of it for today at least. We're all scared, and doom scrolling is only going to scare you more. Take today to process. Take as long as you need to process. You don't have to go as far as to delete anything, but definitely stay away from them.

I'm going to be doing as much research as I can, at the risk of my own state of mind, because my sisters are freaking out. I don't blame them because I'm freaking out, too, but I am a writer at heart and a good writer does her research.

I'll come back with more information tonight, but for right now, this is what I know or what I've heard:

Harris is calling for a recount. Every single vote is going to be recounted. I don't know if that'll do anything, but we can hope.

We still have two years to save this. As long as the orange monster doesn't get a Red House, then he can't feasibly do anything. If we can get as many seats in the House filled with Blue as we can, then we have a chance at saving our country.

Our job for the next four years is to survive. I hate to say it- I hate that I even have to think it, but that's the reality I fear we've fallen into. We've been doing an amazing job so far, we just have to keep doing that.

Now, I want to speak directly to my fellows who are most affected by these results:

I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. You have had to live in fear, and it's only getting worse. This was not the world we were promised by our parents and grandparents. This is not the world we were supposed to create. And for that, I am so sorry.

To everyone that worked their asses off to prevent this:

Thank you.

Okay...

Okay.

Breathe. Okay? Take a step back and breathe. It's going to be okay. It may not seem like it, but it's going to be okay. There are ways to salvage this. Your job is done. Now your job is to breathe

[sweetbillwriting]

The Blackened Branches

Description: Hayden and Eric have a long history together but also secrets, hidden under blackened branches.

Characters: AU Eric from The Crow played by Bill Skarsgård. The story is completely its own thing.

Warnings: 18+, NSFW, heavy themes.

Notes: A new Eric story! I missed him at once. 🖤 Once again, thank you @b-afterhours!

We had a big oak next to our house when I was little. It stood alone on a field by our street before the forest spread out behind it. When I was really young, it had been healthy, big, and green, but through the years, it had dried up and stood like a skeleton left behind. There was an oak I had collected acorns by, and given to my mother, but when it died, so did my childlike interests for the tree, until I met Eric.

I was eleven when we met; he was thirteen, but he had a way about him that made him seem younger. I was on my way from school when I saw a boy sitting on a branch at the top of the dead oak. He wore just shorts and a big shirt, and his feet were bare. It was way too cold at the end of October to be dressed like that, so I stared at him a bit too long. When he looked at me, I lowered my eyes and took longer strides to my house. I could feel his eyes on me, but more than that didn't happen. I worried he would say something right then and there, but later, while sitting by the TV with my parents and older brother, I felt disappointed. Nothing exciting ever happened to me, and seeing a weird boy barefoot in a dead tree was the most exciting thing that had happened to me. I wish he had said something, just something that I could have answered cool and relaxed on, but something like that didn't happen to me; I just continued life like someone had perfected it to a predictable psalm.

“Did you see that boy running through the neighborhood today?” asked my mom to my dad which made him tear away his eyes from the TV. My brother, Illowa, and I did the same, but he was annoyed that they spoke over the TV, while I wanted to hear if it was the same boy I've seen.

“Yeah, I tried to catch up with him with the car to see if everything was alright, but he was too fast! Just ran through The Gray’s yard!”

My mom nodded with big eyes.

“Ida thinks he's a burglar. They just get younger and younger, you know.” My mom looked worried for our sake, but my dad had another sort of worried expression.

“Poor kid. The next time we see him, we should see if he's hungry or something. He ran out in his underwear in this weather!”

I looked out through the window; the sky cried big tears, but slowly, like it was sorrowing something in silence.

My mom looked unsure but then sighed. They had a silent agreement they would be good to people and teach us kids to treat people in need with respect.

“You're right. We should.”

I sat confused because I didn't really understand why Ida believed a small boy was a thief, and I couldn't understand why a kid would be running outside in his underwear. I was too privileged and too ignorant to have learned that.

“Hayden, have you seen the boy? He seems to be your age?” asked my dad.

I didn't know why, but I shook my head and looked towards the TV. It wasn't anything private, and what I've seen wasn't worth much; still, something stopped me from talking about him.

×××

For a couple weeks I thought about the boy, looking for him without results. My dad had seen him one more time, dressed in a similar way. He had run away from him again much to my dad’s frustration. He said he wanted to help the boy, but I think he was also just as curious about his story as I was.

“Have you heard anything about a homeless boy at school? Maybe overheard some teachers talking?" Asked our dad, me, and my brother again when we sat together to eat dinner on a Friday night. I shook my head because I hadn't, but Illowa played with two pieces of cucumber on his plate. My dad looked at him intensely, and after a while, Illowa gave in.

“These are not my words, but I heard Frankie's mom talking with another woman, and they said, 'A white trash family had parked their trailer in the woods'. It's not my words!”

My brother could say some bad things when he was with his friends, but he would never do it in front of our parents; he would be grounded, so it was obvious he told the truth. My parents looked at each other a bit uncomfortably, especially when I asked what “white trash” meant.

“It's a bad word; don't say that,” said my mom and stood up, starting to put away the dinner without asking us if we were done. My dad scratched his beard while looking out from the window.

“What people say about a family in need says more about them than the family... If you see that boy again, I want you to invite him to our home. He's a child; he should be taken care of by all grownups surrounding him.”

That was how Eric suddenly stood in our hallway. Illowa had seen him by the tree and invited him into our home, even if he thought the boy was just dirty and weirdly silent. He stood in just orange plaid boxers and a big gray t-shirt, his dark blonde hair messy, and he had dirt from his feet up to his knees. My dad looked at the poor boy with a genuine smile and scratched his beard. He, on the other hand, just gazed down at the ground. Illowa had taken some steps away from him, and his facial expression told me the boy probably smelled.

“What's your name?” My dad tried, but the boy still didn't even look at him. Instead, he looked towards the kitchen, maybe as a hint to why he was there. My dad tried again to ask for his name, but it made him just back away towards the door. I could see in my dad's face that he felt panic, and instead of pressuring for a name, he made a nod towards the kitchen.

“Are you hungry?”

The boy looked at him with big eyes. I think we all inhaled deeply in that moment. His eyes were big like a doll’s and his lips were full like a cherub's. He was beautiful and it made his ragged clothes and smell even more like a punch in the face. The contrast was too big. When I took a deep breath I could smell the sour odor from him. He smelled like old trash but also cheap tobacco smoke that had stuck on his skin and been there for ages.

“Are you hungry?” Asked my dad again and moved to the kitchen doorway. Finally, the boy nodded and slowly approached my dad, like a frightened animal. Both me and Illowa swallowed hard. He might be much smaller than our father, but we didn't know what he could do.

Our kitchen must have made him nervous because he backed out when he met the bright white walls and the colorful art. My parents saw themselves as bohemians, but it was obvious they had a bit too much money to really be bohemians, and my mom seemed to have lost a bit of the interest with age. She wanted a secure life.

“Come in, it's okay,” said my dad to the boy, and carefully he walked in again while playing with his t-shirt. Dad opened the fridge and looked around.

“I can make you a sandwich? We have some left overs from the chicken yester-”

“Oh man..!” Scoffed, my brother disappointed. My dad shot him an angry look, and he quieted down, but I could see his disappointment in his face.

My dad coaxed the boy to one of our turquoise chairs and fixed him a meaty sandwich. All of us watched the boy eat, but he didn't seem to care; he took big chunks of the sandwich but chewed slowly and well. My dad sat down opposite of him by the table, but me and Illowa continued to look at him from afar.

“You live in the forest?” Asked my dad, gaining the boy's attention. The food in his stomach and the hospitality had probably made him trust us a bit more, and he nodded a bit.

“What's your name?”

The boy turned uncomfortably on the chair but then looked up at my dad's kind eyes.

“Eric.”

My dad smiled at him and then sat silent until the boy had finished his sandwich.

“Do you want to take a shower?”

Eric looked down at his dirty fingernails and then concealed them in his fists. He looked embarrassed. He gave Illowa a fast look. He had, like many other boys in their early teens, overstyled hair, a crystal earring, and a pricy hoodie. Eric stood up awkwardly.

“Thank you,” he said with a broken voice, in the same instance he ran towards the door. It was obvious he was afraid my dad would catch him, and he ran for his life. My dad looked really upset, and both me and Illowa looked at him worriedly. I knew Illowa wanted to comment on Eric's smell—that he just wore boxers or that he had legs like sticks—but my dad would have been angry then.

“I hope you see how privileged we are to live like this. There’s many children out there living like Eric.” My dad looked at us seriously, and for a moment I had guilt towards Eric. It was also then that I decided to do everything in my power to take care of him.

×××

The forest by our street was small and didn't stretch out more than a half mile to another street on the opposite side. It was a middle class area where the kids could play in the forest in safety, but it changed that day when two older teens had heard gunshots from the forest. What it was about was never solved, but from that day on, the forest became a place the parents of the neighborhood warned the kids about.

I was five when it happened, so my whole childhood I saw the forest as frightening. In my imagination, there were murderers and thieves living there, and the trees stood so close together it would feel like walls going by them.

I was in the forest with my dad a few times, but I pretended to be uninterested because, in reality, I felt anxious being in there. My father believed me and didn't try many more times to take me there after. The oak was enough for me. It felt like it was the entrance to the woods but was still standing on safe ground. There I could daydream about adventures in the woods without needing to visit it. When I was eleven, those childish thoughts started to die, but instead Eric came out from the woods, just as mysterious as my daydreams had been.

I had decided to find him again, this time without my intrusive dad or my judgmental brother. It felt like I could handle Eric better than they could, especially because we were probably the same age too. After a week with no luck in finding him, I started to think about actually visiting the forest. A Saturday morning, before my parents had gone up, I walked towards the tree. The crows lifted from the branches when I came close and made black silhouettes against the white sky. It looked dramatic and sad, and when I lowered my gaze, I could see Eric standing by the tree looking at the same image as me. He looked just as sad and pale as the sky did, and even if he wasn’t crying, I got the urge to comfort him.

“Hey,” I said carefully. I still was quite far from him, but it felt like he would run if I just walked up to him with determined steps. Eric looked at me, his green eyes standing out in the gray weather.

“Hey,” he said with an exhalation, like he had given up. Maybe he knew I had been looking for him. I looked at him up and down. His legs and left arm were badly bruised, and his knees had dirty, bloody wounds.

“Have you fallen?” I asked, gazing at his knees. Eric peered down at them too and nodded. He looked embarrassed, maybe because I was a girl.

“In the woods?”

Eric nodded again and leaned down, trying to wipe away some of the dirt, but it just smeared in the thick blood.

“I can help you clean it if you want to?”

He looked up at me but didn't say anything. I would probably need to be the one out of us to talk, but it didn't faze me; he was probably just shy.

“I can get some stuff? Like things I can clean the wounds with?” I pointed to my house, and Eric looked towards my house too but then lowered his eyes again. I stood a moment hesitating if I should go back or if I should stay but realized I wouldn't be able to stop him from running either way.

“I’ll get some stuff!” I said and started to run home, leaving him by the tree.

I ignored that it smelled like coffee in the house; I ignored that the morning news was on in the living room; I even ignored my dad when he called after me. I grabbed everything I could imagine you’d need to have to take care of his wounds from the bathroom, and I even filled up my water bottle from soccer practice with water, then I was out of the door. It took me maybe three minutes all of it, but still I expected Eric to have left, but he sat under the tree looking at his wounds like he just realized they were there. I sat down next to him even if I could smell smoke and dirt from his skin. I couldn't imagine what could make a person smell like that but did everything in my power to not react to it.

“Ehm… We must start with cleaning it with water first…” I said carefully. It was hard to find the words I wanted to say because Eric looked at me with such big puppy eyes I had to focus on not drowning in them.

“Okay,” he answered and stretched out his legs. I cleaned his wounds with water and then a wound cleanser. I prepared him for pain, but I didn't get a reaction; Eric just looked at the wounds with the same empty gaze. I looked at him with warm cheeks when he finally smiled a little. From the things I've carried, he pulled out two bandaids with My Little Pony. My cheeks that had been pink turned beef red when I saw what he held up. I had bought them because I thought they were cute but then never used them because it felt too childish.

“They're old. I would never use them now. I'm too old for that!” I tried to laugh even if I felt panic in my chest.

“I want them,” he said with a sweet little smile. For a second I thought he was messing with me, but when I met his kind eyes, I knew he was serious.

“Yeah okay…” I said with a giggle and helped him put them on along with two other bandaids. I looked at my creation with mixed feelings. It looked like I'd tried to fix a crystal vase with tape. It was obvious Eric still was broken. He was dirty, bruised, and probably had even bigger wounds on the inside of his chest. We sat in silence for a longer time than it felt like while I looked at his knees; they looked too big for his skinny legs and stood out weirdly on the sides.

“What's your name?” He timidly asked and cleared his throat like it was the longest sentence he had spoken for a while.

“Hayden,” I said with a giggle and looked up at him with innocent fascination.

“How old are you?” I continued, my curiosity taking over.

“Thirteen,” he said and looked down. He looked a bit ashamed, and maybe he knew he was older than me and that boys like Illowa would make fun of him spending time with a younger girl, but I didn't really know; something also told me he wasn't the type to care what others thought.

“I'm eleven. I'm twelve in March. So soon, twelve!” I said and tried to sound confident. Eric gave me a strange look but nodded a little.

“So like, I'm not that young!” I laughed uncertainly and shrugged my shoulders embarrassed. The more I looked at Eric, the more I felt my cheeks heat. He was painfully cute but also had a blank look that made it feel like everything I said was silly.

I took a deep breath and sat up a bit. I had forgotten about the smell from Eric's skin, but when he also fixed his position, I could sense the sour smell again.

“Do you live in the forest?” I asked after being reminded of the last time I had seen him. Eric waited to talk until he had found his words and licked his lips over and over.

“For now.”

“In a trailer?”

He nodded again and looked at the high trees stretching out opposite my street.

“For now,” he said again and nodded to himself.

“What school do you go to? Is it here close by? Maybe we-”

He interrupted me with a clearing of his throat.

“I work.”

I looked at him with furrowed brows in disbelief, and it must have made him upset in some way because he suddenly stood up on his gangly legs. I stood up too, mostly to be able to look at him. We were the same height even if he was two years older than me, the same age as Illowa.

“Thank you,” he said shortly and looked towards the forest. The fear of never seeing him again took over my body, and I stretched out my hand after his. He looked down at our hands with an unreadable expression but then up to my eyes with furrowed brows, like he didn't understand the act.

“Please don't leave. Ehm… My parents will go to work soon. Can't you come home with me? Please, I will not tell anyone. We can just hang out?”

“Hang out?” He asked, confused.

“Yeah. Maybe you're hungry?”

Eric looked down at his filthy feet. It was obvious it had affected him. He was hungry, and because of that, he had a hard time saying no. I knew that, and I used that to have him close.

×××

Illowa had taken the right as a teen and slept in that Saturday when my dad went to his job, a small music store in the city, and my mom as a healer, went to a bachelorette party. It was easy getting Eric into the house. I thought it would be a struggle to make him take a shower, but instead of me proposing it, he was the one to ask. I gave him a big white towel, steered him to my parents’ bathroom, and pointed out my dad's products so he didn't need to use my mom’s that smelled like lavender. I sat on my parents bed, watching cartoons and waiting for him. It was easier to let him shower there than in our family bathroom because that was just next to Illowa’s bedroom, and I didn't need the drama.

I thought about everything Eric had told me. He said he was working, but it didn't sound right that a thirteen-year-old worked, especially not looking like he did. What kind of work could he do dressed like that? I wondered if he had ever been to school. I had learned so much in school I wouldn't have known without it, and I felt a stomach ache when I thought about if he had learned those things. Did he know how to read? Could he do math? Did he know that earth spins around the sun?

I thought about what my dad had said—that me and Illowa were lucky for not having a life like Eric. He talked like he knew what kind of life Eric had, but I felt I knew nothing; I didn't understand a thing. Who even lived in a trailer?

While I sat in deep thoughts, Eric came out from the bathroom, dressed in my dad's big blue robe. It looked heavy on Eric's short, skinny frame, and he looked smaller when his wet hair hung around his face. I had given the robe to him to spare myself the awkwardness of seeing too much skin, but it was still an awkward moment, especially because I had recently started to see boys as interesting, especially in the ways they were different from me.

“You can stay here and watch TV while I fix some food? Then you don't need to meet Illowa. He can be a bit of a jerk.”

Eric nodded a little and sat down carefully, like he expected me to say no. He stretched out his skinny legs and gave me a small smile. It looked strained, like he wasn't used to moving those muscles, but I still smiled back and went to fix us some sandwiches and hot chocolate. I loved that hot chocolate could always make me feel better, so I hoped it would have the same effect on him.

I already felt I liked Eric, even if he had said so little. It was easy in that age for me to see people as friends, and he was now my friend without questions and friends you took care of. I would protect him now, even if I didn't know anything about him.

That's why the situation with my mom became so hard. I really thought I would be able to hide Eric, protect him from my nosy family, but I knew I had failed with that as soon as I heard my mom open the front door. I could hear in her movement that she was irritated; she stomped her feet, threw her bag to the side, while taking off her outerwear. I ran out to the hallway in panic and looked at her irritated face.

“They had given me the wrong day! I hope they don't do the same thing with the wedding to the priest! Christ!” She said, irritated, and pulled off her knitted cardigan. I looked towards the stairs, thinking of a way to make her move towards the living room instead of her bedroom, but I knew there wasn't a chance. She always walked to the bedroom to take off her jewelry—the first thing she did when she came home. With the years, her braided bracelets and crystals switched to diamonds and pearls, and because of that, they were also more important to take off in a secure place. 

“Are you okay, Hayden?” She asked and played a bit with my hair. I smiled and nodded even if it wasn't at all what I felt. I should have said something or done something, but I couldn't come up with anything other than pretending everything was fine. 

It felt like my mom walked in slow motion up the stairs, but after that everything went so fast. I followed her close behind, unable to stop what would happen, especially because I didn't know what could happen. She stopped in the doorway to the bedroom and didn't say anything; she just looked towards a point in the room. I sneaked up next to her, and even if I knew who I would see, I didn't know what I would see because there was Eric, back in his clothes, making a pocket of his shirt and stuffing it full of my mom's jewelry. Big green eyes looked at me in horror and shame.

××× 

Same green eyes looked at me, but without some of the boy's innocence. There was a darker color under them, small crow's feet in the corners, and a diamond tattoo under the left one. I could drown in those eyes forever. 

Eric laughed, and the crow's feet became deeper and his eyes closed. 

“Eriiic…!” I whined with a laugh. “I really thought you would win this!” 

He laid back against the white pillow, his long, tattooed body stretched out in the hotel bed with me half on top of him. 

“I'm serious, not angry! You're more angry than me!”

I looked at him with a smirk and shrugged my shoulders because it was true. Eric laughed again, then took a grip around my neck with one hand and pressed his lips against mine.

×

[fandom-geek]

(read your tags) the fact that datv apparently sanitised the Crows is really making flames come out of my eyes... thank goodness datv can't change the origins experience in any way, because I cherish Zevran and his story just the way they are. I really wanted to like datv but now I don't think I'd try it either unless it were for free ^^;

i think i've been pretty upfront that i had basically written dreadwolf/veilguard off between all of the senior figures quitting, the schreier article, and the layoffs, but i thought i had set my bar for veilguard pretty low. it has somehow fucking limboed under that bar. i would almost be impressed if it wasn't so terrible.

and everything i have read abt the plot leads me to believe that the writers actively hated origins. i am seriously trying not to just hate on veilguard, but the most positive things i've seen are "the characters are pretty and the character creator is so good!". is that really the bar ppl want to set for dragon age games? i accept that i am uncommonly willing to accept potato graphics, but seriously? it's the bread and circuses of bloody video games.

between the crows being sanitised, denerim/ferelden being destroyed by the blight off-screen, and the fucking "loghain was controlled by the illuminati" twist in the goddamn credits (not sure if you saw that post), i really cannot fathom any other explanation than the new producers/executives at bioware just straight up hating origins.

i'm not the sort to say this at all, but it genuinely just comes across as disrespectful to the writers who worked on origins and 2. there's no sense of "oh, i disagree with this choice but their love of the series still shines through" whatsoever, just straight up ignoring any lore that doesn't suit their very narrow vibe goals.

i get wanting to make the series your own with a new instalment, especially since 99% of the senior figures for da quit or were forcibly laid off it's a new team, but everything i've seen makes me want to think that the people in charge of veilguard actively hated dragon age but were too cowardly to make a second fantasy ip. you know, if the aforementioned creative forces being made to quit or being forcibly laid off didn't give that away.

there is some shit going on at bioware, especially towards veteran dragon age staff, and this bonfire of a game is the result. like this list is from before the layoffs, and you just don't get that many veteran employees of 10-20+ years quitting from 2016 onwards unless there is something massively wrong going on at that workplace.

but yeah, i realise workplace conditions are kinda off-topic and this has been way longer than i meant it to be, but i just really cannot with veilguard. once i'm finished with expeditions rome, i'm probably just going to continue my origins playthrough and admire what a competently-written and consistent game it is compared to the mess that is veilguard.

[skrunksthatwunk]

man ok so I've been trying to be more attentive to the way my body feels bc apparently i feel bad way more than i really notice and man i feel so goofy stupid about it

wait, maybe I'm visually sensitive?? what a shock!! i thought everyone had moments where they wished they were blind as a kid. i thought everyone felt better when they broke their glasses bc there was less detail and it made things less overwhelming. i thought everyone had to lie in the dark for a couple hours every day just to feel normal. i thought everyone's eyes hurt when they went outside even if it was cloudy. i thought everyone preferred looking at things via peripheral vision bc it's less direct. i thought everyone wore black every day so their eyes have somewhere to rest on. what the hell is this normal???? is it????? probably not right???????? what the hell

like i just didn't realize i felt bad until i felt better?? i never considered that i could be any of these things bc no one told me to pay attention to it and ignoring it was easier. and even when i did it was kind of a :/ feeling like a 3/10 discomfort peaking at 6/10 all day and then "hey wow why can't I do anything now that I'm home" like,, dipshit it's bc you're in hell what. maybe your idea of a 3/10 isn't right ya moron

oh maybe i don't feel as brain staticy after walking through the halls if i play music. it's almost as if it's overwhelming and bad. and i already knew that but i always get stuck not doing things differently so i didn't bother bc i could tolerate it (probably by dissociating tbh) and wow yeah now that i am it's just. easier. sheesh

oh, i can feel my bone marrow retreating into my body whenever i touch wet clothes? noted. can't actually do much about that one but it's the thought that counts

it even goes for nonsensory stuff like stimming and communication. maybe THATS why i wish so badly that i could communicate nonverbally (esp ASL, seems super useful), why it feels So Wrong To Talk sometimes. maybe THATS why i gotta move and/or make noise like 70% of the time and always have in some way. maybe THATS why i can't understand people if they're muffled/have an accent I'm not familiar with/if multiple ppl are talking, and why there's a delay in processing, and why i can't watch things without subtitles. hell hell ass hell hell hell etc

and a lotta this is only stuff i realized bc i started looking into various flavors of neurodivergency. still not really willing to self diagnose until i do more legit big boy research but at the very least apparently I'm onto SOMETHING if these realizations keep happening. like even if I'm neurotypical and faking it or just quirky or whatever it's making my life better to pay attention to how i feel for once so..? yeah it's productive ig. i swear this is a positive post guys

and a lot of it's easier realizing people don't usually mean 100% universal literal inability when they're talking about not being able to do stuff or when they experience things really strongly. sometimes stuff is just disproportionately hard or rare for someone. shit man idk. doesn't mean they ain't disabled or nd or whatever and, therefore, it doesn't mean i can't be just bc i used to be able to do my homework before the deadline :/ when ppl have special interests it doesn't mean they only think about one thing for their entire lives hell ass of course not why would you think that. jeez.

anyway i swear this is a good silly thing even though the tone is a bit mad(?) but sometimes it's just baffling the way I've lived my entire life. clown behavior. what is wrong with me. shape up there bud