#and I'm open to explaining why of asked in good faith but I'm not gonna argue with anyone so don't bother

[negansfavlucille01]

JEALOUSY

Negan × female reader (Alexandrian reader, Rick's daughter)

Summary: Negan gets JEALOUS after he finds something in the readers room.

Warnings: 18+, smut, blowjob, spanking, fingering, clit rubbing, nipple sucking, unprotected sex, overprotective Negan.

Note: This is my first fic, so I don't know what I'm doing😅. Feel free to request some ideas for the future.

"Take your time. Make it good."

Olivia stuttered out a few words before rushing out of the kitchen.

"So, kid.. How about a tour around?" Carl sighed and began showing him around. Negan had taken off his boots and sock, enjoying the softness of the carpet. He checked out the sink, then some other rooms. There was one room that really had his attention. One that Carl didn't wanna show him. "C'mon, what's in there?"

"Nothing special." Carl mumbled.

Negan on the other side, wasn't having it. He opened the door anyway and stepped inside. There was a crib in one of the corners of the room, a bed in the other. He walked over to the crib and picked up Judith. "Look at this little angel..." He rocked her in his arms while she cooed softly.

"So, who's room is that?"

"Y/N's"

"Oh, Y/N's..."

Meanwhile you were just getting back from a supply run with your dad. You both got out of the truck, opening the trunk for Negan's men to see that everything was there.

"You go, I'll finish here." Rick said, while one of Negan's men was looking trough the stuff. You walked back to your house, your shorts lifting up a bit as you did so.

You saw Carl and Olivia sitting at the porch. Carl was holding Judith.

You entered the house without asking any questions. You took off your boots and started walking up the stairs to your room, stopping mid-stair when you heard someone shout "What the fuck?!".

You immediately recognized the voice. You continued walking. When you got to your room you sighed before opening the door. He was there, looking at your thrash bin that was next to your desk. You immediately regretted going in.

"Care to explained?" He said, looking up from the bin, while pointing at it.

"Ummm..." You were speechless. How do you explain that? He'd kill you.

"I want to know. Why do you have a condom in your thrash bin? A used condom."

"I think you can guess."

That only made it worse. He walked up, towering over you. You gulped as you felt his hot breath against your skin. "Who was it?"

"You don't know him..."

"I'd be very fucking glad to meet him, let me tell you that, sweetheart." He gently lifted your chin so you could look at him. It was like he was staring into your soul. His eyes were cold, almost showing no emotion, but there was one thing you could see. Jealousy.

"Get on your knees."

You accepted your faith, getting on you knees in front of him. You knew what he wanted, but you weren't gonna do anything else without a command. "You know what to do."

You nodded.

"So do it."

Lifting your hands off of your thighs where they were resting, you reached for his belt, unbuckling it. You unbuttoned and u zipped his pants, already seeing his hardness through them. Sliding them down along with his boxers, you couldn't help but stare at it. It was big with just the right amount of thickness and the tip was red, already leaking pre-cum.

You wrapped you hands around it, giving it a few strokes before he was solid like cement. Low groans escaped his mouth as you licked the tip, then further to his balls. You took him in your mouth, already gagging on the half of it.

"You can take more. You will take more." He grabbed a handful of hair and pushed you further until your nose was touching his public hair. "There you go. God, you look so pretty with my cock in your mouth."

Your eyes watered from the need of oxygen. When he thought that was enough, he let you pull away, still keeping his hand in your hair. You took a deep breath before going back to pleasuring him with your mouth and hands. Soon you felt him twitch in your mouth, as he gripped your hair harder.

"Fuck, I'm close.. So fucking close."

He shoot his warm seed deep in your throat, groaning loudly before pulling you up on your feet. He kissed you harshly, tasting himself on your lips. Negan then pushed you onto the bed, towering over you. Spreading your legs open and setting between them, he kicked off his pants, that were gathered at his ankles. His jacked following, then his white barely see-through t-shirt. He threw them on the floor before focusing on getting you naked for him. He quickly slid off your shorts along with your panties, throwing them aside then ripping your tank top apart, leaving you only in your bra. You could see he was still mad, even tho he had that stupid grin on his face.

"You're mine from now on, capiche?"

You nodded but that wasn't enough for him. His rough hand slapped your ass, making you cry out.

"Yes. Yes, I understand..."

"Good." He reached behind your back, taking your bra off and throwing it to the pile of clothes on he floor. Immediately his lips were on your breast, sucking on the nipple, probably leaving a hickey. This made you moan like crazy, but it got even louder when he reached to rub your clit with his thumb while his two fingers entered you. Negan started pumping them in and out.

"You like that, baby?" His smirk got wider from the cute little noises you made. "Hell yeah, you do."

You whimpered when he pulled his fingers out, wanting more.

"Don't worry. That tight hole won't be unfilled for a long time." With that, he slammed into you, making you scream out. His hand quickly covered your mouth, muffins your cries. Negan's face buried in your neck as he started moving at a slow pace at first. He kissed your neck as you moaned from the feeling of his cock stretching your out. His pace fastened, as he was leaving wet kisses and love bites on your neck and collarbone. He was now fucking you mercilessly. "What, your tight little cunt can't take me all?"

That nasty grin on his face remained as he was giving you pleasure and pain at the same time. You were clinging to him, scratching his back and shoulders. He groaned as your nails dig into his flesh, but that didn't stop him from going.

"Negan..." You cried out, making him smirk even more.

"I know, baby. I know..."

Your walls tightened, signaling to him that you were close. He let out a low growl, buring his head even more in your neck. "I'm gonna cum.."

"Give it to me, baby. Give me everything you have.."

You came with a loud scream, his name coming out of your lips. He kept thrusting, chasing for his orgasm and soon enough you felt him twitch inside you.

"Oh, I'm gonna cum. Can I cum in this tight pussy?"

"What?! No, Ne-"

"That's a yes." He interrupted you before you could finish.

"No, Negan, please don't.."

"I'm gonna fill you up so good.."

You moaned as he shot his hot cum into you. Not that you minded, you just didn't wanna get pregnant yet. But it felt so good that you wanted to do it again. He was panting softly, still groaning. He dropped his weight on you, careful not to crush your tiny body. He finally pulled out, as you whimpered at the loss off him in you, already missing the feeling of him.

"We're definitely doing this again."

"Agreed..."

"I want you to remember who you belong to, princess."

[imaginespazzi]

Part 6: Leaps of Faith

Masterlist - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 7

I hope that you catch me, cause I'm already falling (you put your arms around me and I'm home)

(In which a writer who can see the end approaching starts building towards that ending)

Pairing: Paige Bueckers X Azzi Fudd

Themes: Angst and Fluff

Words: 8.0K

TW: Swearing, Alludes to Sexual Content

A/N: Good evening my lovelies <3. Happy Sunday and Happy Mothers day! First of all, I wanna thank y'all for being ever so patient with me. I know I've been pretty bad about updating lately and y'all have been so sweet with your asks and I really appreciate it. This fic is very close to its end. I probably could have ended it with this chapter but there's a very specific ending I want to write so this one is more of a self-indulgent filler but I think y'all will like this one. There will be one more chapter and then an epilogue of sorts. Once again, there are most likely logistical inaccuracies. I'm not even gonna lie, the editing on this one is shoddy so there are definitely grammar errors/typos. For now, ignore them and I'll go fix them later. As always, even if we're near the end, feel free let me know what you liked, what you didn't and anything you'd like to see before we get to the end. Have a wonderful week my angels <3

April 2024 

“It’s a little early for ice cream hon,” Azzi jumps at the sound of her mother’s voice, startled eyes following the direction of the noise to find Katie leaning against the kitchen door, with a raised eyebrow. 

“It’s a little early to scare the living bejesus out of me mom,” she says with a hand to her chest. 

If possible, Katie’s eyes roll even further at her daughter’s sarcastic tone as she makes her way over to the kitchen counter. She’s gotten herself a spoon and everything, ready to steal some ice cream for herself, when she notices the flavour. Next to her, Azzi stiffens. 

“You hate mint chocolate chip Az,” Katie says quietly. 

“I couldn’t find the strawberry ice cream,” Azzi defends stubbornly, her face taking on a guarded expression. 

Katie walks over to the freezer, opening it and pointing at the strawberry ice cream, Azzi’s favourite, that’s sitting in plain sight, “it’s right there.”

“Well,” Azzi splutters, “I’m trying something new,”. 

“You hate trying new things.”

“I’ve grown up I guess.”

“Azzi.”

“Mom.”

“Azzi, why are you eating ice cream you hate at 4 in the morning?” Katie finally asks in her best mom voice, sighing when she gets a mumbled response from her daughter, “in words Az, please.”

“Paige likes it,” Azzi admits slowly, and before Katie can say anything, before Azzi can dwell on what she’s said, she launches into a rant, “god knows why. Actually I know why because she’s stupid and weird and likes the dumbest shit. Who the fuck likes mint? Who the fuck likes mint and chocolate together? Gross. This shit is disgusting. It tastes all wrong. Paige is just-,” Azzi throws her hands up in the air, “she just doesn’t understand that some things don’t belong together. They can’t. They’re too different and it just- there’s a fucking balance to things you know? And she just- she doesn’t get that. It’s just- it’s not meant to be.”

“That doesn’t explain why you’re eating it right now,” Katie says carefully. 

“Because I miss her,” the truth bursts out of Azzi like an erupting volcano, burning itself into every crevice of her skin, “because for some fucking reason I don’t hate the taste of mint chocolate chip. Because maybe they do go together and maybe I’ve been the stupid one this whole time.”

Since she’d stepped out of the hotel in Cleveland, all Azzi could think about was going back, saying fuck it to all the useless logic she’d come up with and going back to the only thing in her life that had ever made sense her Paige. But as it often did in that clichéd battle between head and heart, her head had won out. And she’s never questioned why her head wins so much, why she’s always chosen to listen to the practical side of her brain, until now. Until now when the urge to turn back time, to make herself stay in that hotel room, is all that’s consumed her for the last week. 

“Azzi,” Katie wraps her arms around the younger girl, “what happened with you and Paige?”

Azzi hesitates for a second and then everything’s spilling out of her lips, the good, the bad, the inbetween, all of it tumbles out like an uncontrollable waterfall. There’s something freeing about being able to say it all out loud, something freeing about the tears Azzi finally lets roll down her cheeks. She grips the edge of the counter to keep herself from keeling over, starting to feel herself crumble under the heaviness of all these stupid feelings. 

“It shouldn’t be this hard,” Azzi whispers, “we used to be so easy.”

“Oh Az,” Katie rubs a thumb against her daughter’s cheek, “you used to be kids. You’re all grown up now. It’s always harder when you’re older.”

“Well, I don’t like it. I just want to be the way we were again.”

“So why don’t you?” Katie asks like it’s the most simple solution in the world and Azzi shoots her mother an exasperated look. 

“What do you mean? How do we even do that? We can’t be just friends again. We tried. Were you not listening at all?”

“Azzi, sweetheart, you’ve never been just friends.”

“That’s not true,” it’s a futile attempt at arguing against what’s become more of a fact than an opinion in Azzi’s life. It’s a truth she’d let herself acknowledge once and then buried deep within her, scared that once unleashed, it would ruin everything. Except, it turns out, even without it, things had still turned to dust.  

“Do you remember when you came home from Minnesota that first summer with Paige? You were either moping around or you were on call with her. There was no in between. It got better eventually, the moping stopped but the calls? I think you fell asleep on facetime with her almost every night. And you were tired every morning after, you barely had time to eat before school but every time I suggested that maybe you cut back, that was never an option,” Katie smiles fondly, “it’s when I knew.”

Azzi does remember, remembers talking about everything and nothing, remembers laughing and crying, remembers when Paige’s breathing was the only lullaby that could relax her into sleeping. And she remembers battling with that voice in her head, the one convinced there’s something more, silencing it with I’d do this with anyone. But that wasn’t true then and it’s not true now because Paige has never been just anyone, never been just a friend. Because even if Azzi’s never been brave enough to say it out loud, Paige is and has always been everything.

Despite knowing the answer and maybe dreading it just a little bit, Azzi asks it to her mom anyway, “what did you know?”

“That she was your person. You were too young, I couldn’t call it love just yet but I knew Paige was different then, she was yours in a way none of your other friends were. You were different around her,” Katie nudges her daughter, “Azzi you’ve always been just a little bit in love with her and she’s always been just a little bit in love with you too. The two of you have just been a matter of time.”

Azzi closes her eyes, and unlike other people, she doesn’t see darkness or little spots of light, she just sees Paige. Her mother’s words wash over her, like acid in her self-inflicted fight the feelings wounds and yet, the idea of she’s loved me too feels like a band-aid being delicately placed on the scars of her heart. 

“And place,” she whispers, eyes still closed, “we never seem to get time and place right.”

“Why do you need to?”

Another exasperated look is sent Katie’s way at that question, “we live on different sides of the country mom, what do you mean why do we need to?”

“I mean the two of you have barely ever been in the same place. But you made it work, when you had even less, when you felt even less. But you’re adults now. You have other resources now. And I know timing is difficult but- it’s you and Paige. What are you so scared of Azzi?”

Azzi sucks in a deep breath, “what if Paige runs away again?”

“What if you run away again?”

“Excuse me?” 

“Who was the last person to walk away, Azzi?,” Katie sighs when Azzi is adamantly silent, “I know she hurt you by leaving. I know she hurt you by pushing you away. But you did the same thing. You chose UCLA,” Katie holds up a hand when a frustrated Azzi tries to interrupt, “and it was the right decision for you Azzi and she should have supported it. But that doesn’t meant you didn’t hurt her and then you chose Zoe-”

“I didn’t choose Zoe-”

“Yes you did Azzi. Sweetheart you’re my daughter and I will always tell you the complete truth even if it’s not what you wanna hear. And the truth Azzi is that Paige might have hurt you in 101 different ways but that doesn’t mean you didn’t hurt her back in 99 different ways too.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Azzi whispers, “that’s the problem mom. It hurts when she hurts me but it hurts even more when I hurt her. I don’t want that for us but I just- I just don’t know how to stop it without stopping us.”

“You haven’t even tried, baby. Paige held out a hand and you ran away.”

“She left first. How am I supposed to trust that she won’t just do that again," all that’s missing from Azzi’s stubborn whine is a foot stomp.

“Because she came back. It took her a little bit, I know, but she came back and she’s ready to fight, the question is, are you?”

“Why are you defending her?” Azzi splutters, “who’s side are you even on?”

“There are no sides to this sweetheart. The two of you are on the same side. So maybe instead of fighting against her, take that hand, fight with her.”

***

The WNBA draft is a momentous occasion this year. With a hyped draft class like no other, and the promise of even greater ones in the future, there’s a sense of celebratory hope dangling in the air. When the invite had first come in, Azzi had known the same one would be sent to a certain blonde in Connecticut as well. And a part of her had wanted to hide herself away from that possible collision, but every other part of her wanted nothing more than to get just a glimpse of the blonde.

One moment Azzi is surrounded by flashing cameras and the echo of her name on everyone’s lips, the next everything around her is fading away her eyes meet Paige’s on the other end of the WNBA draft orange carpet. It’s nothing new really. Since she’s met her, the blonde has commandeered all of Azzi’s attention whenever she’s nearby. Sometimes it feels like all of her other five senses fade away to give birth to a secret sixth one, one that’s solely dedicated to Paige, one that’s terrifyingly all-consuming. And yet, despite the heaviness of we’ve said too many goodbyes, for the first time in what feels like eternity, Azzi feels like she can finally breathe. 

And then Paige looks away. 

And Azzi’s back to struggling for air. 

It’s selfish of her, she knows, to expect something, not when she’d been the one to leave them stranded on different islands. But Azzi doesn’t seem to think logically when it comes to Paige and even as she tries to turn her focus back to posing for the camera, every inch of her body is dangerously aware of the blonde’s every move, just a mere few feet away from her. Her conversation with her mother is echoing in her head, giving rise to dangerous desires of what if i grabbed your hand and we ran away together. 

Paige is a natural on the orange carpet, all dazzling smiles and twinkling eyes. She glides through it, inching closer and closer to Azzi, but never giving away any sense of discomfort. And if it was anybody else, maybe they’d never catch onto the nerves hidden beneath Paige’s facade of calm, cool and collected. But once upon a time Paige used to be Azzi’s favourite puzzle and she has every part of the blonde committed to memory. It’s in the way Paige’s teeth gnaw at her lips for the briefest of seconds, in the way her right index finger is begging to tap a beat against where her hands rests on hips, in the way she’s blinking just one too many times. 

And then with one more heavy footed step from Paige, the distance between them is barely a couple inches and they let out identical breaths of air, both of them keeping their focus on the cameras in front of them. It’s loud, too loud, and still all Azzi can focus on is the sound of Paige breathing. The air around them is thick with tension. It feels a bit like they’re silhouetted against a sky made of words they’ve left unsaid and clouds of all the bitter mistakes they’ve made are hanging over their heads. And when their pinkies brush together, and a jolt of electricity sends shivers of I miss you more every day again her skin, Azzi questions if she’s ever made the right decision when it comes to Paige. 

“Wait wait wait,” Ari cuts in, as she squeezes herself in between the two of them, “I wanna get in between the two of you.”

A harsh cry of no sits heavily on the top of Azzi’s tongue as the older woman forces a break in whatever little bit of contact she’d had with Paige. She feels a little pathetic, the way every little inch of her skin is craving for that touch back. It had been nothing, a barely there moment and still Azzi thinks, when she goes to bed tonight, if that was all she’d get of Paige, then it’ll be the only thing that’ll feature in her dreams. 

“Alright one with just Paige and Azzi,” Ari directs the media, stepping out of the way and pushing the two younger girls together. And it’s laughable that a little brush of their pinkies had Azzi feeling any type of way because when they’re suddenly pressed together, every inch of Paige’s side fitting into Azzi’s like it belongs, the way the world suddenly bursts with light and colours makes Azzi wonder if every moment without Paige has simply been monochrome. 

It comes to them naturally how to pose together, arms winding around each other’s waist, heads involuntarily leaning against the other’s. And the smiles might be for the cameras but Azzi knows hers is the most real it’s been all night. It might be temporary, she might lose Paige in the chaos, but for now Paige is here and Azzi has learned how to be content with whatever little she can get. 

As the media moves to capture other people, the logical thing to do would be to separate, to let go of each other. But instead they stand there, still completely wrapped around each other, heart rates in sync as they breathe in each other’s presence. And then Paige’s hand falls from the small of Azzi’s back to tangle their fingers together and they let out identical sighs of relief, something so cathartic in the purposefulness of that touch. Everyone is too busy to notice that the two of them have fallen into a whole other world, one where there’s only two of them and every emotion that they’ve only reserved for the other. There’s no words exchanged as Paige guides the two of them out of the spotlight, somehow keeping their hands clasped together in secret, despite the ever growing crowd. And Azzi doesn’t know this building at all, doesn’t have the faintest clue where she’s being led to, but as long as it’s Paige pulling her along, she doesn’t care where, she thinks she’d go anywhere. 

Paige stops abruptly in a secluded corridor, turning to fully face Azzi. And the sincerity in the blonde’s crystalline blue eyes, as they roam every inch of Azzi’s body before coming to fixate on her face, steals the air away from Azzi’s lungs. Paige has gotten better over the years at building walls, but with every new lock she places on her emotions, there’s a key to open them that seems to always find its way to Azzi. In the delicate golden hue, Paige shines brighter than any star ever could and in the dim light Azzi can make out every bit of hurt and love and please can we just have this moment that Paige can’t put into words. 

“Hi,” Azzi whispers softly, hands itching to reach out and caress Paige’s skin. 

“Hi,” Paige says back, even quieter. She stares at Azzi as if she’s memorising every little detail and then her face crumbles. Azzi feels her heart drop at the single tear that trickles down Paige’s cheek as she lets out a broken whimper. And this, this unspoken power they seem to have over each other, the uncanny ability to just hurt each other without any bit of effort, is what scares Azzi the most. It’s too much. They shouldn’t be able to do this. 

“Paige,” Azzi’s fingers twitch but she hesitates, not knowing if it’s the right thing, “fuck- P what’s wrong?”

Paige doesn’t reply, eyes wandering down to where Azzi’s trying to keep her hands still against her sides and when she looks back up, her eyes are bloodshot, “what’s wrong? What’s not wrong Azzi? You won’t even fucking touch me.”

“I didn’t-” Azzi struggles to speak, “I didn’t think you’d want me to.”

“Can you just- fuck- can you just stop overthinking things for once in your life. Of course I want you to touch- you know what nevermind. This was a bad idea. You made yourself clear and I’m just- fuck- I should- I should just go.”

She sounds adamant enough but all it takes, when Paige moves to leave, is the strangled cry that leaves Azzi’s lips. The sound is enough to pull Paige right back in. She takes one look at the tears brimming in Azzi’s eyes. And then she’s pushing Azzi against a wall, hands on either side caging the younger girl between her body and the hard surface behind. She presses their foreheads together and Azzi feels like every part of her might just be a part of Paige too. 

“I miss you. I miss you so fucking much. It’s barely been two weeks and I- fuck- Azzi- I’ve missed you every single second and now you’re here and I still miss you. And it really fucking hurts.”

“I’m sorry,” Azzi whispers, finally letting her hands cup Paige’s cheeks, and it’s worth it for the way Paige seems to completely melt into her touch, “I’m sorry I keep hurting you. I keep thinking I’m doing the right thing but- I don’t know- I feel like I’m always doing the wrong thing when it comes to you. I don’t- I don’t know what to do.”

“Just let me be with you,” Paige’s voice is wrecked with desperation as she presses herself as close to Azzi as possible, “I’ll be your whatever- whatever you give me- whatever you want- I just- I just want you Az- whatever little bit you’re willing to give me- I’ll take it- and if you want me to wait- fuck Azzi- I’d wait forever- you know that right? However long it takes, baby. Just want you- just want us.”

Leaps of faith are scary. Azzi’s never been great at taking them, too cautious, too much of a worrier. She’s more of a step back from the cliff kind of person. If she doesn’t jump, she can’t fall. But here’s the thing, when she was fourteen, Azzi jumped off of her first hypothetical cliff. It had been on a plane, when after avoiding one too many deep questions, Azzi had admitted to a girl she barely knew,that maybe she could like girls. It was the first time she’d ever let herself acknowledge that truth about herself and the girl next to her was a stranger but there was something about her, something that screamed i’ll hold your hand and if you jump it’ll never be alone. And ever since then, that girl, Paige, has always been there. Hands outstretched, ready to jump off any ledge. Because if there’s hard ground underneath, then they’ll learn how to fly together and if there’s water, they’ll figure out how to swim. With Paige there has always been the promise that, whatever it is, they’ll figure it out together. And it’s with that promise in mind, that Azzi takes the leap of faith. 

“Me too,” Azzi whispers, heart beating erratically. 

“What?” Paige searches Azzi’s face, as if waiting for her to take it back. 

“Us. You. You and me. I want that too,” a ghost of a smile begins to creep onto Azzi’s face, and for the first time in god knows how long, she feels feather light, a little bit like she’s floating on a rainbow. 

“You mean it?” Paige asks earnestly, hands moving from the wall to clutch at Azzi’s waist, “don’t play-Azzi- okay- you mean it for real?”

“I do. I want this- I want this so much and I’m still- I’m still really scared and maybe it’ll be a disaster but I- I want to try. With you.”

Azzi used to think she knew all of Paige’s smiles. Her small, not quite fake, but only for cameras and people she didn’t quite know, smiles. Her just for my friends smile that was filled with mirth and childlike joy. Her basketball smile that transformed into a smirk when she got too cocky. Her only for Drew smile, soft and filled with so much adoration and pride. Her Azzi smile, the one only the brown-skinned girl gets to experience, a smile that made Azzi’s her heart swell with love. But the smile that stretches across Paige’s face now, is one Azzi’s never seen before. This one throws Azzi’s entire world of balance, so bright, so big, so full of emotions. If she could, she’d tattoo that smile onto her skin forever. 

“We’re really doing this?” Paige asks, still a little stunned. It wasn’t what Azzi had planned for tonight. She hadn’t really had any plans for what would really happen. But then Paige had walked in and all Azzi could see was forever she was tired of fighting against. 

“We should take it slow okay-” Azzi wraps her arms around the older girl’s neck, keeping their foreheads still against each other’s, “I don’t- I don’t wanna rush into things and fuck it up. I can’t- fuck- I can’t lose y-”

“You won’t,” Paige swears, squeezing at Azzi’s wait, “I won’t let you. We can take it slow. We can take it however you want- I just- we’re doing this?”

“Yeah,” Azzi can’t help the grin that fills up her entire face, “yeah we’re doing this.”

And as they surge forward to claim each other’s lips, and as they meld every inch of themselves into each other, and as they smile and cry into the kiss simultaneously, and as they etch promises into each other skin, and as they let themselves finally fall into each other, for each other, it feels a lot like coming home. 

***

July 2024 

The early morning sunlight casts a dark shadow across Paige’s face, causing the still asleep blonde to scrunch up her face in irritation. Azzi, who’s been awake for nearly half an hour now, can’t help the fond smile that creeps onto her own lips. She shifts herself to block the sun and Paige lets out a content sigh, burrowing herself further into her pillows. And the thing is every moment with Paige is special but there’s something about waking up to her in the morning. Azzi’s always awake first and it gives her ample time to just admire the girl in her arms, blond hair tousled all over her pillow, lips parted slightly open, and one arm always, always, splayed across Azzi’s torso, holding her close. Over the course of time, Azzi’s found out that the second she moves, Paige seems to feel her leave, waking up instantly. 

There had been an adjustment period if Azzi's honest. It had taken her a while to shake that fear of Paige not being there in the morning. The first morning, she’d been scared to open her eyes, even if she could feel Paige’s presence right next to her. That had been one of the few mornings that Paige was fully awake first, hovering above Azzi to wake her up. And when she finally did get the courage to open her eyes, the first thing Azzi had seen was Paige, blue eyes sparkling with unfiltered adoration, a smile filled with promises of every morning just like this. And that had been enough. 

Azzi reaches out to brush a hand through Paige’s soft blond hair, mesmerised by how pretty Paige looks in the morning glow. A lot of Paige belongs to the world now and Azzi’s not opposed to sharing really, because someone so fucking perfect, deserves to be celebrated like that. But there are some parts of Paige that belong to Azzi and Azzi only, some parts Azzi cherishes as being only hers. This is one of them and Azzi takes a snapshot of it, knowing she’ll need it to function in a few months, when she won’t get the real thing. 

“Are you watching Paige sleep?” Azzi almost jumps at the sound of Drew’s voice at the doorway, having been too immersed in Paige to have even heard the door open, “that’s kinda creepy Azzi.”

“Jesus Drew, whatever happened to knocking?”

“I forgot?” Drew grins, before he plops on the bed, the force of it making the whole frame shake a little bit. 

“Drew!” Azzi chides, “you’re gonna wake her up.”

Drew cocks his eyebrows, sparing his sister, who seems unphased by the sudden little bit of chaos around her, still fast asleep, an unimpressive look, “please she can sleep through anything. Besides, it’s already 9. I thought we were gonna do things. I been up for aaaages.”

“She’ll be awake soon,” Azzi smiles, ruffling the younger boy's hair. Drew rolls his eyes and it’s remarkable how much he resembles Paige, not just by face, but the mannerisms too. 

He huffs for a second before his eyes sparkle with an idea, “what if we pour water on her!”

“Drew!” Azzi chastises again, trying not to giggle. 

“Boo,” Drew crosses his arms across his chest, “you used to be so cool Azzi.”

Azzi laughs as she’s reminded of a younger version of herself, scheming with Drew on how to wake Paige up. And it’s not that she’s beyond that really, tucking the water idea for a rainy day, but Paige looks too peaceful this morning and she wants to preserve that look of serenity on the older girl’s face for just a little bit longer. 

“Hey Azzi,” Drew says after a while and Azzi hums in response, “when you and Paige get married, I can still be a groomsman right? Even if there’s no grooms?”

“Wha- where did that come from?” the brunette’s eyes widened at the question, sitting up a little straighter. 

Drew peers up at her with all the innocence of a pre-teen, “you are gonna get married right?”

“I don’t-”

“It’s too early for your yapping Drew,” Azzi’s saved from answering by Paige’s tired voice entering the conversation. She looks over to find Paige’s eyes already on her, a soft smile playing on her lips as she looks up at Azzi. If Drew wasn’t sitting right there, Azzi would lean over and kiss her and let Paige deepen it until they were both satisfied. 

“Oh thank god,” Drew cheers dramatically, “I thought you were gonna sleep forever.”

Paige scoffs, the arm that’s still wrapped around Azzi’s torso tightening its hold, “I wish.”

“Well you’re awake now so get up,” Drew whines, moving from his spot on the end of the bed, to flop on top of Paige’s body instead, “get up, get up, GET UP.”

“Get off,” Paige groans but there’s no real force behind it. Azzi watches with a fond smile, as Paige flips Drew over so that she can tickle him, eliciting rounds of laughter from the younger boy. Something in her heart flutters, her mind going back to Drew’s question. She’s never really been one to think too hard about marriage and children and that domestic suburban life, leaving it up to fate, but now- well, maybe. 

“Okay aight aight enough. Go get ready for breakfast and we’ll be down in a second,” Paige says, ushering Drew off of the bed. 

“You can just tell me you want me to leave so you can kiss Azzi you know?” Drew scrunches up his nose, “you two are gross.”

Paige sends him a stern look and gets a dramatic eye roll in return but as he always does, Drew does as he’s told, mock saluting the two of them and skipping out of the room. 

“He’s right by the way,” Paige says softly, turning back to where Azzi’s leaning against the backboard, “I do want to kiss you.”

Azzi smirks lopsidedly, “what’s stopping you?”

She squeals in surprise when Paige pulls her, the force of it causing both of them to tumble onto the front-end of the bed. Azzi ends up on top of Paige, hands resting around her neck, the blonde’s hands holding her waist in place. 

“Good morning,” Paige grins, clearly proud of herself as she chases Azzi’s lips to pull her into a searing kiss.

“Good morning,” Azzi whispers back, thumb caressing Paige’s left cheek.  

“Just so you know,” Paige pulls away, a determined glint in her eyes, “we’re so getting married one day.”

***

October 2024

Azzi’s mood has been rancid for the last couple of weeks. It’s terrible she knows; it makes her irritating to play with and a nightmare to live with. But even if this had been expected, that she would be on one end of the country and her heart would be on the other side, it doesn’t stop her from constantly being in a state of missing Paige. And it’s different from before, now that there’s a certain surety of of course i’ll see you soon but soon never really feels soon enough. 

“Azzi can you please get the door,” Kiki calls from her room when the doorbell rings. 

“I’m busy,” Azzi grunts back, snuggling further into her pillow with a book she isn’t actually reading, “you go get it.”

“Azzi please, I’m literally in the middle of getting dressed,” Kiki yells exasperatedly. 

If it wasn’t for the fact that she’s pretty sure her teammates are about this close to plotting her murder, and deservedly so, Azzi would sink back onto her bed and let the incessant doorbell noise continue. But she does love her teammates, thinks Kiki probably deserves to change in peace, and it forces her out of bed, grumbling away about annoying visitors. Until she actually gets a look at the visitor. Paige stands on the doorstep, confident as ever, a bouquet of roses and peonies and lilies in her hand. 

“You’re here,” Azzi breathes out, staring in awe. 

“And thank fucking god she is,” Kiki quips from behind her, “maybe we can finally get our old happy Azzi back and not this bitch.”

Paige laughs, “watch how you talk about my girl Rice.”

“You’re here. You’re really here,” Azzi whispers again. 

“I heard you missed me baby,” Paige says, her cocky smirk betrayed by the softness in her voice. And then Azzi is flying into her arms, throwing Paige off balance. 

“So fucking much,” Azzi admits into Paige’s neck, eliciting a giggle from the blonde, “Kiki’s right. I have been a bitch.”

“Just a little bit,” Kiki calls out again but there’s a new fondness in her voice. It’s funny how her team, even the haters, have slowly become Paige fans. They’d been hesitant at first, just like the UConn girls, but now well, it seems the basketball world’s Montagues and Capulets have learned to accept their star players’ relationship. 

“Missed you too Az,” Paige’s tone is vulnerable as they break away, “alright, go get changed, I wanna take you somewhere.”

“Or…,” Azzi presses her lips to Paige’s neck, leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses, “we could stay here and do something else.”

Paige shivers under her touch, stepping away to keep some semblance of control “n-no I have plans,” but she can’t help but kiss Azzi’s pout away, “it’ll be worth it, I promise. Besides,” she bites at Azzi’s ear, “there’s always later.”

***

“Your big plans are to bring me to the supermarket,” Azzi cocks an eyebrow as they walk down one of the many aisles, “you turned down sex for this? Should I be offended?”

Paige doesn’t say anything, concentratedly looking at signs, trying to figure out a specific section, before an aha! moment dances over her face, and she pulls Azzi with her, the younger girl going willingly, despite the eye roll. She stops triumphantly in front of the sushi section and Azzi looks at her quizzically. 

“I’m getting you supermarket sushi,” Paige says pointedly, “and then you can get me mac and cheese.”

And if you brought me sushi I’d have brought you your favourite mac and cheese. Oh. The realisation of what Paige is doing trickles around Azzi a little bit like rain after a long summer drought. She thinks back to the bouquet, everything suddenly making sense.

“You’re such a dork Paige Bueckers,” Azzi says softly, tapping the older girl’s nose. 

“Your dork,” Paige grins cheesily, “now hurry up and pick one. I don’t wanna miss the sunset.”

***

Once she catches on it, it doesn’t surprise Azzi to find that Paige has everything planned out perfectly, down to the exact spot in the park- the one by Paige’s recovery airBnB, the one they’d taken countless walks in trying to repair their friendship- where the two of them can be away from everybody else, in their own little bubble. And she has a picnic blanket, that’s a little small but they don’t really want space from each other anyways. They lean against a tree, food set up in front of them, Paige’s laptop, carefully piled on top of a couple of books to be the perfect height, set a little bit further away. 

“So what NBA game are we watching?” Azzi asks with a smile and Paige groans, “what? Was that not part of the plan?”

“Dude come on. It’s the beginning of October. Please tell me you know the NBA season isn’t happening yet,” Paige rubs her temple, only a little endeared by the comment, “are you sure you’re a basketball player?” 

“There are games in October. I swear I’ve seen them before,” Azzi says sceptically. 

“Yeah at the very end of the month, not right now.”

“Well then close enough,” Azzi says indignantly, “I don’t need to know the exact day.”

“Whatever you say baby,” Paige acquiesces with a smirk and it earns her an elbow to the stomach, “what the fuck? That shit’s domestic violence you know?”

“Big words Bueckers, didn’t think you knew them,” Azzi teases, placing a kiss against Paige’s offended expression, before settling herself against the blonde’s side, sighing contentedly when she gets a kiss on her temple in return. They’re cliché enough to put on Love and Basketball, but Azzi doesn’t really end up watching much at all. In between slow kisses, she almost falls asleep a couple of times, the comfort of Paige’s arms like a blanket wrapping her in the warmth of this is my fairytale. 

“THE POLAROID,” Paige’s shout breaks Azzi out of her haze as she feels her body being shaken off, the blonde rummaging through her bag for the camera, “we have to take the polaroid. My wall needs it.”

“Oh yeah a tiny polaroid picture of us inbetween all your Lebron posters, a perfect fit,” Azzi drawls only to be met with a scathing look from Paige. 

“It’s for important things and Lebron is the most important of them all,” Paige explains with complete seriousness, as she finally finds the polaroid camera and shimmies back to Azzi with it in hand. 

The sunset is beautiful. Pink, purple, orange and blue, all blending together to create the perfect picture. But Azzi thinks it’s not nearly as beautiful as the girl in front of her, not nearly as beautiful as the date Paige had planned, not nearly as beautiful as the future she can so clearly see now. Her mind drifts back to the night of the phone call, and she can almost hear Paige’s sobs again, can still hear her own voice breaking. Back then, they had seemed impossible, a butterfly like dream that danced out of their grasp. 

“Hey,” Paige captures her chin with two fingers, “where’d you go?”

Azzi shakes her head, “nowhere. I’m right here. With you. Where I should be.”

“Sappy goof,” Paige snorts but she kisses Azzi like she’ll take those words and hide them in the labyrinth of her mind, protect them there forever. 

Taking the picture is a task, both of them bickering about angles and lights. It’s unnecessary arguing, in true Paige and Azzi fashion really but there’s something so mundanely domestic about it that Azzi finds herself wanting to memorise this moment too. They finally get the frame just right, somewhere in between what they both wanted. Azzi smiles at the camera, her Paige smile, as the blonde in question presses her lips against her cheeks. 

Click. 

And Azzi hopes, that however many years later, when they have a home of their own, amidst all the photos that they’ll take over the next years, this one will be hung somewhere on their wall, a testament to finally realising every dream they’d dared to dream together. 

***

December 2024 

There are pebbles being thrown at her window and Azzi has to stop herself from laughing when she peers down to see Paige, freezing cold in the Virginia December air, staring up at her with a goofy smile. She shakes her head when her phone rings, knowing it’s Paige and answers it with her own foolish grin. 

“What exactly are you doing?” Azzi asks, “come back to bed.”

“You said I was unromantic. I’m trying to be romantic,” Paige’s teeth chatter in the cold, as she balances her phone in one hand, still throwing rocks with the other. 

“I didn’t say that and throwing rocks at my window is supposed to be romantic? You’re going to wake the whole house up.”

“That’s what they do in all the good rom coms. And you said and I quote ‘we’re kind of boring’. You might be boring Azzi Fudd but I most definitely am not.”

It had been a throwaway comment Azzi had made at dinner with some friends from high school. One of her friends had been going on and on about some adventurous trip that she and her boyfriend were going on, and then asked Paige and Azzi if they had any of that planned. To which Azzi had replied that they were a little too busy, considering they were college basketball players still in season, and besides they were “kind of boring” people. She hadn’t meant it in any type of way. Personally, Azzi likes boring. Paige however, seemed to have taken the comment to heart and Azzi had woken up at 2 a.m. to an empty bed and the sound of something being thrown at her window. 

“Okay I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You're really interesting baby and the most romantic person in the world. Now will you please come back to bed,” Azzi concedes, already missing the feeling of being cuddled up in her blankets with Paige’s body heat keeping her nice and toasty. 

“No,” Paige says indignantly, “come down here.”

“Paige, it's freezing. It’s gonna start snowing any minute.”

“Exactly. That’s exciting.”

“Sleep is exciting,” Azzi whines, but she’s already padding around her room looking for a warm sweater, grumbling under her breath about the warm California sun she’s missing. She tiptoes down the staircase, wincing at the one step that creaks just a little too much, before pushing herself out the door. And it’s freezing cold, there’s sleep in her eyes, but it’s all worth it Azzi thinks, it’ll always be worth it, just to experience Paige’s smile. 

“Knew you’d come,” Paige grins cockily, mittened hands pulling Azzi into her.

“Yeah yeah. What are we even doing?”

“Azzi Fudd,” Paige bellows dramatically, “may I have this dance.”

Azzi stares at Paige’s outstretched hand wondering if this is some sort of cry for help, but one look at Paige’s face tells her that the girl in front of her is being absolutely serious. 

“This is your idea of exciting? Dancing in the street while it’s freezing with no music?” Azzi raises an eyebrow, but she takes Paige’s hand. 

“It’s spontaneous,” Paige says the last word with a flourish, as she spins Azzi, “why not dance in the street when it’s freezing with no music?”

And well, that’s a fair point. If anyone were to look out their window that night, they’d probably think the two girls were somewhat crazy. Laughing and giggling and tripping over each other as Paige hums a melody and Azzi occasionally joins in. It’s ridiculous and corny and cliché and perfect. And then the first little bit of snow falls, white drops circling around the two dancing girls, snowflakes catching on their eyelashes. The dim glow of the streetlight is enough to catch identical smiles on the two girl’s faces as they revel in each other. 

“You know some people say if you make a wish during the first snowfall, it’ll come true,” Paige whispers, still waltzing the two of them around, cheek pressed to Azzi’s, “you wanna try?”

And the thing is Azzi doesn’t really believe in all of that, in magic but something about Paige, something about this moment feels magical. It makes a believer out of Azzi. 

“Yeah,” Azzi smiles, “let’s make a wish.”

They stand still, holding hands, eyes closed, both a little breathless, as they make their wishes. And when they open them, if it feels a little bit like maybe their wishes have already been granted, well they’ll share it in a secret smile but never out loud. After all, wishes don’t come true if you speak of them. 

***

April 2025

7 seconds to go in the National Championship and Azzi’s UCLA Bruins are down by two points. It’s her last chance, having already declared for the 2025 WNBA draft, to win a national championship, to bring home their first basketball national championship since the 1978 team that had won the AIAW championship, to win their first NCAA championship ever. It had taken some sheer luck to get to this point if Azzi’s honest. As a two-seed in the Spokane region, they’d benefitted from their one-seed having been eliminated early and then getting to face a Cinderella six-seed in the final four. On the other side of the bracket, UConn, the favourites coming for a repeat, had been stunned by another team, the team that UCLA was now facing. That had caused a bit of a second-hand sting and Azzi’s not really trying to take revenge for Paige, but it'd be a lie to say the get back at them for me babe from earlier this morning isn’t ringing in her head. 

The play is simple, set screens for Azzi, get her open, get her the ball. A two would get them to a tie and three would win it outright. Either will do. It’s a little too reminiscent of last year when Azzi had failed at tying the final 4 game and she can still feel that loss on the tips of her fingers. They break out from their last timeout, breathlessly running to their spots on the floor. The whistle blows, Kiki inbounds the ball and everything is a blur. All Azzi knows is the shot clock is winding down. She runs off of what feels like a million screens. And then she’s open on the wing, for a millisecond. A perfect pass from Kiki makes sure the ball lands straight in Azzi’s hand. And she doesn’t think, doesn’t breathe, doesn’t even notice the defender put up a hand, she shoots the ball. There’s two people on the court that know for sure that ball is going in the minute it leaves Azzi’s fingers, the shooter herself and her biggest fan in the stands, who’s been just a little bit in love with that shooting stroke, since before anything else had even begun. 

With a delicate swish, the ball falls through the net, the buzzer sounds around the arena, the crowd explodes in blue and gold, as the UCLA Bruins win the 2025 national championship. 

Everything stills in Azzi’s brain for a second, her thoughts taking a second to catch up to reality. She’s never really been one to emotion on the court, keeping herself steely guarded through most games, even at the very end. But now, triumph and pride and just utter happiness at finally achieving one of her biggest dreams, comes roaring to the surface, manifesting itself throughout her entire body, as she lets out a scream of joy. Her teammates engulf her and she gets lost in a sea of hugs and tears and bright, decadent smiles. 

As thing start to calm down, there’s really only one thing on Azzi’s mind and Paige’s words echo in her ears, because if I’m gonna end up fucking crying, then I want it to be on your shoulder. And if I’m gonna end up celebrating, I want it to be in your arms. And Azzi thinks maybe Paige had discovered one of the biggest truths of their life with that, the truth that at the end of day, in any moment, big or small, happy or sad, the one person Azzi wants next to her, is her Paige. It’s been that way since she was fourteen, and too young to really understand the meaning of wanting someone forever, and she thinks if she has her way, it’ll be like that for the rest of her life, the rest of their life. 

Paige is beaming in the crowd, standing next to Jon and José, a #35 jersey proudly adorning her torso. She waves when she catches Azzi’s eyes, always her biggest cheerleader. And Azzi throws caution to the wind, fuck it, not caring that there’s still a large crowd or that cameras are likely to follow her every move. She pushes her way into the stands, stopping right in front of the blonde. 

“On a scale of one to ten, how bad would kissing you right now be?” Azzi asks, still a little breathless. 

A myriad of emotions flicker through Paige’s face before settling on a mischievous smirk, “probably pretty bad but you should do it anyways.”

Azzi grins before merging their lips together and everything else fades to the background, until she’s consumed by nothing but Paige. They break apart far quicker than either of them would like and Azzi expects to feel just a little bit of fear at what she’s just done, likely given the media a spectacle they could run a million and one stories about but instead, with her forehead still pressed against Paige’s, she feels nothing but calm. 

“I’m so in love with you,” Azzi whispers and Paige’s eyes widen. They’ve known it for a while now but it’s the first time either of them have said it. 

“Say it again,” Paige demands. 

“I’m so in love with you,” Azzi says again, grinning so hard, she thinks it might become her permanent expression, “like really fucking in love with you.”

“I’m so in love with you,” Paige whispers, pulling Azzi into a bone-crushing hug. 

And this might not be the moment where everything finally comes together. There’s still so much life left to live, so much that they still need to work through, so much they’ve yet to deal with. But for now, Azzi has a national championship and she has the love of her life, the rest will work itself out, or so she hopes.

[im-0-0]

This is just me yapping ab why I love Xavier and Sylus (and not just the fact they have white hair and I have a thing for that).

They both represent a form of love and care that I personally love seeing and exploring. As much as all the LIs have their own ways of showing care, patience and love which I find interesting, Xavier and Sylus' stand out the most to me and it probably has to do with their communication styles and patience.

Albeit all the LIs have patience considering Raf has waited centuries for MC to reincarnate, Zayne is a D1 yearner and so is Caleb, I feel like Xavier and Sylus' is special in a way?

I'm not sure how to explain it but I'll try my best.

Starting with Xavier, to me, Hes the embodiment of comfort. He screams comfortable, stable and steady.

To me, Xavier cares for MC by being a person she can come to after a long, shitty day and just relax with. And that’s what I love. I’m the kinda person to just wanna sit and do nothing or my own thing after a long day whether with other people or by myself. He’s just so…domestic.

And when it comes to what he does for MC, it just gets me because it’s not grand gestures at times, sometimes it’s offering food, asking if she’s okay, suggesting places they can go together, checking in time and time again, and just being present.

These may seem so basic and mundane, but sometimes it’s the simple and mundane things that make me love his character and relationship with MC I think, because when you’re constantly in a feeling of chaos and just generally having to be somewhere and do something, it’s nice to have a calming presence to be like “I see you, I’m here, so you can relax.”

To me, He’s a calming presence that despite the chaos, he’s gonna be there to just be present and make sure you’re safe and having a good time. Sometimes in his texts or calls, he invites MC out for food, or to watch something, play video games, relax at home, and I think that quality time element is another thing I like because doing small things like that can sometimes be all you need. A partner who’s gonna be beside you to experience the simple things and is willing to meet you at a slow, unrushed pace in order to enjoy the moment. Xavier represents time and change and how it’s not about being stuck on the past or worrying about the future to the point it consumes you, but enjoying the present you have right now with the people you care about.

Another aspect of him I like is his constant change and growth in terms of learning to trust MC. At first, I also found it frustrating that he often doesn’t make his past know or letting MC in on a lot of what he’s doing. He lets MC open up to him, but doesn’t do the same. However, as he later realizes, that bothers her. In his recent feverish attempt card, MC is frustrated at the fact that he disappears for days and doesn’t let her know what he’s doing, how he’s doing and letting her help him and show she cares. After she tells him that, he makes it a point to open up and communicate more so she’s not constantly worried about him and I also really appreciate that because as much as yes, he should have his space and be able to do his own thing, there should also be a level of communication exchanged when he does things like that and we need to know certain things about him. I like how he was open to listening and learning that his behavior, although meaning well, may not come across as such to MC and he needs to find a way to change that so it works for both of them. That shows care for your partners concerns and for their relationship, which I find reassuring and a show of respect. He’s also willing to give you space when it’s needed, but will still be around when you call for him or need his help because he genuinely wants to help and be there. He calls him and MC “Partners in life” because that’s what he strives to be; a partner that is by your side through it all and that u can rely on and have faith in.

Like yes, the jealousy aspect of him is cute (and he’s just cute in general) and the spicy bits are entertaining, for me, it’s really the fact that Xavier is overall fun to be around and interact with, and he shows he cares in little ways that matter and feel genuine is what I think really draws me to him.

I’m gonna be taking a few of my points for this part from this video by Cyberspace Maz on YouTube (love their videos sm, PLEASE go check out their channel, their analysis' on LADS are so good).

Sylus is such an interesting and multidimensional character that has so much to him that I love sooo much.

To me, he’s a very mature and understanding representation of love (not to say the others aren’t). The way he cares and loves MC is very intentional and patient with an emphasis on letting her choose the pace and status of their relationship because he respects her agency and wants her to choose him. He’s not interested in forcing their connection because they’re soul bound because he (now) knows that that’s not how love operates and works. It’s a natural progression that builds through trust, communication and care.

After LAR in the main story, we see a very visible shift in Sylus and how he interacts and forms a relationship with MC. He is much more patient and intentional with her and shows her that he isn’t the bad guy she thinks he is then lets her decide if she wants to stay. He isn’t holding it over her head that they’re “destined” to be together,r which is why he never tells her of their past together and wants her to figure it out on her own. He’s not trying to force her to be with him, but letter her choose if she wants to take that step.

And when she does decide she wants to be around him and starts to warm up to him is when we see so much of his love for her shine. They both have their own separate lives and are their own people, so he gives her space to live that life, but offers himself as a person she can rely on for help when needed. He wants to be there, wants to take care of her, wants to do all these things, and all she has to do is ask and she will receive that help. His affection also comes in the words of reassurance where he openly expresses how he feels about her and how much he’s willing to sacrifice for her. He’ll wait as long as he needs to for her to realize her feelings and make a decision on where they stand because he cares. He respects her and her autonomy and will express how he feels, but only move forward if you allow it.

I think what draws me to Sylus is that Hes willing to meet you where you’re at without pressure to answer him right away or to immediately reciprocate his feelings, he just enjoys having time with MC and being there for her even if she doesn’t choose him because having these moments with her even if fleeting is enough for him and he’s willing to let her go if that’s what makes her happy.

GODDDD THESE 2 MAKE ME SICKKKKKKKK I CAN’T STAND THEM

And I’m not sure how well of an explanation this was and like how accurate I am on interpreting their characters (I say this every time because I genuinely am learning and trying my best to accurately dissect their characters so if I don’t I’d love to be corrected), especially since I pulled very little examples because I just wanted to get this out and ramble about my thoughts on these 2.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

RE: your last ask... I'm a different anon, trans in the other direction heh. Finding which path bears the most fruit is... So difficult? I'm currently on the waitlist for top surgery and I haven't told my parents yet- it's going to cause so much anger and grief and I don't know if I will be able to maintain a relationship with them. They're very progressive for reformed protestant christians otherwise, moderately leftwing, but something about transness sets off my dad in a way I do not understand and he refuses to explain, he just storms off and says he "can't follow me on this path". So... Yeah. Idunno. Transitioning feels selfish, but I also NEED to do it, so I'll go through with it, I just always wonder if it's gonna be the final nail in the coffin for my faith.

previous ask

I feel for you — it can be hard to discern which way leads to good fruit when you are in the liminal space between the tree planted and the tree fruiting. It can also be really really hard to determine what exactly the tree is: In your case, are potential negative responses to your transness / top surgery the fruit of transness itself? Or is the tree transphobia?

That is how I consider things: When trans people are free to live as themselves without transphobia and cissexism involved (hard to experience these days), the fruit is new life, new energy, new community, new thriving. It is only when those anti-trans reactions enter the mix that the results are instead rejection, violence, and grief.

That is why I firmly maintain that any bad fruits that come from living out our transness are coming from transphobia, not transness itself. I will share my personal experience, while aware that I am extremely lucky and privileged to have parents who were never afraid "for my soul," only a little incredulous about nonbinary genders at first and then concerned about how it would affect my quality of life.

When I told my parents I planned to get top surgery and would appreciate their support, by dad and mom both responded with different flavors of bewilderment about why it was necessary. My dad kept talking about how my body shouldn't matter (typical view of a white, cishet, able bodied man). My mom told me she couldn't offer any financial support to the surgery itself because she thought it was a mistake I'd regret, and a waste of money.

But over the year following my top surgery, they witnessed my transformation: my new energy, joy, willingness to get out of my comfort zone. And they moved into full support.

My mom also originally grieved over my name change, because my birthname was meaningful to her and she felt like I was distancing myself from her by changing it -- but within a year, she gave me the nickname "Aves," and fully supported my legal change when I finally got around to it.

Ultimately, my parents' support and affirmation through calling me the right name and pronouns, and even challenging their friends when they say anti-trans shit, has brought us closer than we ever were before while I was in the closet / completely unaware of what it was that made me feel so disconnected from society.

The affirmation of transness yields good fruit. It is transphobia that yields bad fruit. As the late, great Rachel Held Evans puts it:

"If same-sex relationships are really sinful, then why do they so often produce good fruit—loving families, open homes, self-sacrifice, commitment, faithfulness, joy? And if conservative Christians are really right in their response to same-sex relationships, then why does that response often produce bad fruit—secrets, shame, depression, loneliness, broken families, and fear?"

All this to say: I am so sorry that you have been made to feel torn between your gender and your faith, between transness and your parental relationships. You deserve to be loved exactly as you are, to experience yourself as the holy, beloved person you are. But if you feel you must choose — choose life. Choose surgery and whatever else you need to be you.

I pray that the other things will follow — that your loved ones will witness the good fruit of your choice, and finally be able to follow you into joy. But even if they fail to recognize what is clearly evident, I pray you will feel the presence of the LIVING God who wills abundant life for you.

[stuffymcstuffsworld]

No, I'm not dying

The flu was nothing new to humans. They had been dealing with variants of it for centuries despite what some assumed. So, really, you calling in a sick day and locking yourself inside your room so the kids didn't get it wasn't a big deal. Or so you and Iruma had thought.

Apparently, it was a big deal to demons. Your phone received hundreds of different texts and calls the main culprit being Balam, who was practically a hysterical when speaking to. Why in Devi's name did he think you were dying?

Asking what he should do for your human burial rights and everything. It kinda pissed you off that he had so little faith in your immune system! And if Balam was being dramatic, Sullivan was being 10x worse.

Balling his eyes out and rambling about not wanting to lose his baby. Honestly, what a headache. It wasn't until after you woke up from a nap that you saw a text from iruma that made you think twice.

'I think there's some kind of misunderstanding. Maybe flu means something else here?' You thought back to all the crying and excessive messages. That might explain something. But you still had 2-3 more days for recovery.

So you simply texted back. 'Kindly remind your grandfather that we are not demons and therefore will not die from demonic disease.' Then you shot a quick text to the sniveling demon outside your door. 'I'm not dying for devi's sake. I just need rest!'

Then you called Balam and demanded he come over now if he was going to be so emotional about this. The large demon was outside your balcony in minutes. You swung open the doors and gave the sharpest glare you could muster with your stuffed up system at work.

"I'm gonna make this very clear, so listen." Your voice a little nasally, but luckily, it wasn't too bad. "I'm not dying. I will not be dying. Humans have dealt with this for generations. it's a part of life. Now stop fussing. All I need is bed rest for 3 more days max and then I'll show you that I'm still alive and will beat the ass of anyone who says otherwise."

You coughed a few times, but the glare you gave when the large demon reached out stopped him in his tracks. "I'm kicking you out of the nest till I get better." He gasped "what no please what if it gets worse or-"

You gave him a look. "I am fine. I will be fine. You can ask questions and give me a full check-up when I am better." You slammed the door back into place. Knowing that if he wanted to, the demon could easily rip it off its hinges. But also knowing he wouldn't.

A knock at your door reveals a tear stained Sullivan looking at you. Or well, it's more like through you. "Humans are so delicate." He murmured. You snorted.

"Of course, we are compared to demons. That just makes all of our accomplishments more amazing! Watch me, Papa, I'm gonna get better, then I'll be kicking down the doors to babyls again in no time." You flshed a cheeky grin.

***72hrs later***

You race down the stairs, wishing the kids good morning. Bestowing hugs and kisses freely as you went. Leaping past a shocked opera and into the dining room where a sulking Sullivan sat.

You started texting your colleagues that you were fine as you made your way over to the slim demons side. "Papa, I'm feeling lazy. Will you carry me to school?" You teased. The demon perked up and looked at you.

You smiled and twirled in place a moment. "Hurry, Papa, I have so much to do before classes start." Sullivan scooped you up immediately spinning you around the room.

Laughter filled the room. Later that day, just as the bell rang for first class to start, you kicked down Balams door. Students shocked yet egar to see you. "I lived bitch!" You shouted before striding over to the trembling demon and pulling him in for much needed cuddle time.

[khajiit-journal]

Middas, Morning Star 01, 2025

(Wednesday, January 01, 2025)

Lots to report on today. Decided to be open about my Buddhism and Shinto practice on Tumblr that I've been doing for a while. I didn't share them before because like... I'm really just a baby in both regards, I have One(1) book on Shinto and it's as introductory as introductory gets. (The book is Shinto: The Kami Way by Sokyo Ono, it is a good read if you're interested in Shinto. It is mostly geared to explain to non-Japanese people, and I found the section on home worship the most useful to my position because I'm not lucky enough to live near a shrine). And as both are "living" religions, as in a religion that still has faith leaders and etc, I really want to follow them properly than my blasé "I can make my own rules and do whatever I want within reason" that I do for my PCP and magic. Same for things like HelPol, I don't interact with it much or do much about it on Tumblr because while it's considered a "dead" religion (keep in mind these terms are about things beyond if it's still practiced) it still has a lot of rules I don't quite fully understand. And while I have Zeus and Hera to guide me away from major mistakes and help me learn, I still don't wanna piss anybody off.

I've been seeing a lot of discourse lately, though, about how you can't be friends with the Gods, and I think there's an important caveat that there's a major difference between friendly and friends. And like. You can be friends with your elderly neighbor, without putting yourself on her societal level, as well. I firmly believe and stand by that we can be friends with the gods (if we can date/marry them, why can't we be friends or even family with them? you guys are chill with godspouses but not godfriends/godfamily? granted, some of these folks are probably anti-godspouse for the same reason which I at least appreciate the consistency) as long as we still always remember that we aren't on the same status level as them, and remember that they are Gods and we are not.

As well, I deeply trust my Gods to tell me what is and isn't okay, and I trust them to be honest with me. I put their words and their guidance above any random discourse post I see on Tumblr lol. If I step over the line, I trust that I'm gonna get told off and even bonked for it.

I'm gonna leave my thoughts there, though, I don't really want this to be a discourse blog, it's just been haunting my mind and I really needed to slap it somewhere lol. (If you have thoughts, feel free to send them to my askbox on this blog, or else it won't make sense to my other blogs, I'll answer them, but not if you're rude. I think this is a good thing to discuss.)

I did this "13 wishes" ritual thing. I wrote down 13 wishes on pieces of paper, folded them up, and put them in a bowl. Starting today, I'll take a piece out, not look at it, and rip it up (the original ritual is to burn, but I don't have many liberties to burn so ripping it up it is), to send it to my Gods and the Universe to handle, until there's one left, and that one I do read and is for me to handle and make come true.

I'm a bit worried about which one will end up in my hands - I made them all realistic and achievable, even if some rely on outside sources than my own two hands. But I still worry that the one that ends up in my hands will be one I really wanted the Gods to handle lol.

Also today, I've made a deal with Clavicus Vile for some help with a certain haunting. I wasn't requested too much in return, because, and I'm paraphrasing but saying directly, Liege Clavicus feels a bit bad for me that so many of my attempts to reach Them have failed (and thus I've been receiving next to no help despite asking for it repeatedly) and my offerings I've been leaving for Them have been stolen by the spirit haunting me.

It's an act of compassion I deeply appreciate, that I've been given a kind and pretty sweet (literally in some aspects) deal. I was requested to uptick my worship for Great Clavicus once the haunting is dealt with for a good while, and to make Him some cookies, and She "better get the first fresh ones" in Her words, which all of this is very within my means.

I plan on making hot chocolate cookies, as Their favorite is ones with tons of fillings, and I think hot chocolate cookies should count because they have marshmallows in them. (I just worry it'll be too sweet for Their tastes). It is a lot of work, but anything for the Gods helping me with the haunting. And besides, I did promise.

I'm probably gonna do more than this because I can, but I'm definitely gonna fulfill what parts we more explicitly agreed on. I just have to figure out what all to do for the increased worship... Probably make a playlist and play it every day for a while, and make moodboards and reblog more art of Them. That should do something at the least in the offering sector.

[vintage-vermin]

Every once in a while I'll sit down with mates and we'll watch something with a vague socialist ideal behind it. We don't search out specific media, but sometimes an actor just walks up to the 4th wall and starts talking like a Ted X talk. Simple shit like; "Maybe we shouldn't let everyone starve in these countries when food overproduction is a legit thing." "maybe killing the homeless is not a good idea?" or "just try to be nice and don't tell people who are doing something harmless that you don't enjoy to kill themselves." And I half zone out on these messages because I already learned these like 20 years ago and I don't need a refresher for something I already uphold. I have that sometimes. If you try to explain something I've had in my belief system for like 25 years and you talk to me like a child, I zone out. I'm not gonna stop ya because I know some peeps need to hear basic shit, but goddamn. Which really puts me in such a weird spot when the neo-libertarian conservative next to me has his world view shattered about addicts not just being addicted for the sheer fun of it or something. I just have difficulty trying to explain some of these basic human rights things to people of the same age group sometimes. Like, fuck, how did you not start thinking or learning this shit at least in your early 20's. What the fuck. How the fuck did you get through life up to this point while legit thinking you're the main character and we all de-spawn when you leave the room. I used to try, but I got tired of the endless bad faith arguments, "lol u made a typo so I won" and the slurs. At this point, it really ain't my job to educate you unless you pay me. Just read some shit NOT made by people who do shout-outs to StormFront or by the name of DerUnteidigeKriegMan88 if you wanna learn. But that means people would need to understand Google and it's fun way of leading you to garbage. It means they need to critically think for a moment when HitlerCunnyFan tell them ethnostates are okay. Which for some, is asking way, WAY too much.

You might tell me "oh, you should hang with better people" bae, I hang with like 4 generations of people due to the nature of my work. I spend 9 hours in the open air, directly interacting with random people and workers. Everyday I can end up working with whole new groups of like 20 people and then have a chance never see them again and meet 20 new ones tomorrow. You talk a lot inbetween the boring bits, lots of people can't really stay composed in a way and start telling me why voting for the super-villain-trump-wannabe that's looking to deport him and his family just for his skin color was the best vote this middle-aged Egyptian man has every put in, according to himself. I dunno, I just get frustrated about various connected thing sometimes. I get annoyed when people pretend our country is this super liberal paradise filled with shinning souls or some shit. It ain't and it never was. Conversion therapy is still 100% legal, still fucktons of extra stipulations for gay marriage, poor trans healthcare which is only going to get worse now that the people voted in the extreme right-wing party and half the people that are supposed to lead the country just parrot what the USA does, regardless of context of how different things are across the other side of the world. Just a little background frustration that's always going on.

[blackjackkent]

Well, that was a hell of a night. Time to check in with the rest of our companions!

We'll go clockwise around the room, starting with Shadowheart, and I'm just gonna do conversation highlights because these turned out to be rather long chats. :D

Highlights from Shadowheart conversation:

She noticed murals in the grove that appeared to depict Shar warriors (specifically, an elite group called the Dark Justiciars) in combat. Hector gathered that she would have liked to join them, and she agrees it would have been a great honor, but it's a "distant dream," as the Justiciars haven't been active for years.

Hector said her conviction was admirable but that he would not have submitted to the loss of memory she went through in order to fulfill her mission - that he would prefer to know what he was getting himself into. She responded, "That's not a luxury open to many people, us included. I have my faith to turn to instead. You should find something of your own." Which...ouch. (It really is kind of annoying that as a monk I don't have the option to choose a deity as I would with a cleric. It's still an ostensibly religious calling, no?)

She doesn't know why the wound on her hand hurts, but hopes the meaning will be revealed to her when the time is right. She seemed rather touched when Hector asked if he could do anything to help with it, but asked only for patience when she gets struck by it.

He made a vague comment about having to stop traveling with her if she keeps secrets from him, but she called his bluff and he backed down almost immediately. They also discussed the fact that Shar worship is basically illegal in a lot of places, to which her response was (paraphrased), "Arrest me, then. Oh right, we're in the middle of nowhere and you can't."

Describing her reason for faith in Shar: "She took me in when no one else would. Without her, I wouldn't be alive. She is my Mother. She nurtures me, cares for me, loves me. Don't believe the lies the Selunites tell." Hector, as one of those Selunites, *is* inclined to believe them over her - and yet, as someone who has never known his mother, the imagery is...oddly compelling.

He prodded her for info about herself not to do with Shar or the tadpole. She told him that she likes night orchids and can't swim - and also that she can barely remember anything else of herself, as the memories of Shar's secrets were not the only ones that were suppressed.

Asked what she thinks of Hector: "I don't think I've ever had a confidante quite like you - and if I have, I can't remember them." Which...is equivocal enough that it might not be intended as a compliment, but he suspects it probably is, and it makes him feel bad for how warily he's been treating her in return.

---

Highlights from our first conversation with Wyll:

He also had the dream! (Which leads me to believe the rest of the crew did as well.) He, however, is super skeptical of it and assumes it's a trick of the parasite to encourage us to use its power more. Hector agreed, but somewhat uncertainly - it's hard to shake off the feeling of safety that came with the strange guardian, and she did calm the transformation that was threatening to overtake him.

He told Hector a bit more about his pursuit of Karlach - described her as "chaos incarnate, a devil with pure fire for a heart." However, he was reticent about who exactly his source of information about her was, describing only "a powerful friend with a keen interest in...privacy." More secrets; Hector disapproves.

He explained his life before becoming Blade of Frontiers - child of a single father, who did not want the adventurer's life for his son. But Wyll encountered a young boy in the Cloakwood who was attacked by goblins, and saved him - and it stirred in him a desire for action, to protect those who needed it, and an anger at the monsters of the world and the "so-called good gods" who let evil things happen.

He lost his eye in battle, and the stone replacement is made of bloodstone, "carved from the Galena Mountains just north of the Moonsea. A reminder that sometimes, blood must be shed and sacrifices must be made" - but he did not want to tell the full story. It's "reserved for lifetime friends and calmer days."

---

Astarion highlights:

He also had the dream, and is much more excited about it than Wyll was. He's clearly curious about the manipulative powers of the worms, and was not happy when Hector said they should be careful and avoid using them unnecessarily. Hilariously, he burst out in a bit of a sulky snit - "Is there a reason you're always such an utter drip? Do you have some sort of condition? Honestly, it's like you hate good news. Did you actually want something, or are you just here to spoil my fun?" Lmao.

The weird thing is, in spite of everything, Astarion has such an exaggerated affect that Hector finds he can't entirely dislike him, but he doesn't trust the other man's intentions and has no intention of letting him have free reign with the parasite.

Astarion claims to be a magistrate back in Baldur's Gate, which doesn't entirely track with the images we got in his head back when we first picked him up, so I am pretty sure he is lying. (Not that magistrates can't be vampires, of course, which is the one thing he definitely is.)

He doesn't know what might be waiting in Moonrise Towers, but hopes they can find answers - "if we can convince the right people to talk," he said, with a rather disquieting smirk.

---

Gale highlights:

A pretty short conversation, but the most reassuring to Hector so far as regards the dream. This was the first conversation where Hector was able to express uncertainty about whether he believed the dream guardian was to be trusted. And Gale seemed similarly inclined - "Nothing wrong with maintaining a healthy suspicion in such matters. Still, it might be wiser to keep an open mind - our visitor's promises of aid might yet bear valuable fruit."

His description of his magic-consuming condition was...less reassuring. "Think of it as...tribute. The kind a king might pay to a more powerful neighbor to avoid invasion. As long as I pay, there will be peace. But should I ever stop, along comes a war. I can assure you the battlefield would extend well beyond the borders of my body alone."

---

Lae'zel highlights:

A lot of recap here, presumably for people who haven't been paying attention the first six times she told us about the creche. Unsurprisingly, she does not trust the dream and the guardian as far as she could throw them.

They both admitted that neither has much familiarity with the other's race. Lae'zel, humorously, lashed out that Hector looks just as alien to her as she does to him, and that "that large, fleshy nose of yours looks like a mistake." Hector, wisely, did not rise to the taunting.

We got our first chance to actually take a dialogue option reflecting Hector freaking out. Lae'zel gave an entirely-too-vivid description of the actual process of illithid transformation, leading to the very Hector-apropos option Try to suppress your rising panic. She was unimpressed. "That shiver betrays your fear. Suppress it. It is useless. We must find my kind and be rid of the parasite. It's as simple as that."

[fireflyhwufanficwriter]

My thoughts on Dr. Stone’s S03E14 (“Deal Game, Test of Wit”)

(Safe to read for anime-only folks.)

My thoughts after watching Season Three, Episode Fourteen:

01. Why, Kirisame, why? :(

02. A second look at the Medusa, and at Kohaku and Ginro's heroism! They're absolutely correct to have completely faith in Senku and their friends!

03. The stars in this opening song are honestly just GORGEOUS...

04. It's very cool how in the previous two times we saw the opening song, Kohaku and Ginro's petrified statues are in shadow, because the scene would have been a spoiler - but now that it's happened, we see a different, more colorful version of the shot and it clearly shows them now. Awesome detail, animators! :D

05. The title of this episode is, "Deal Game, Test of Wit!" :)

06. Yuzuriha has been revived! Taiju's so respectful!

07. Gen's right - she's so good and fast with those stone statue puzzles now!

08. Chrome's back, and Kaseki's now very confident that he and Chrome are maker buddies!

09. It was very sweet of Suika to make a paper hat for Ukyo... who has also now been revived!

10. Umm... thanks for the close-up shot of Kohaku, Ginro, and GINRO'S BLOOD having just been turned to stone... :'( Also, how did they get into that pose, when Kohaku's face was clearly apart from Ginro's body while they were turning to stone?

11. Everybody looks sad and concerned, but Chrome looks agitated, and Senku... whoa, look at his right eye! :O That is a serious, SERIOUS expression! He means BUSINESS!

12. (Although... I THINK his fist was clenched in the manga...?)

13. Would have liked it if Suika had expressed a bit more concern about Kohaku... She just dove right into the Soyuz information XD

14. The five wise generals are off! They're gonna collate their information, and strategize about the next course of action... and... four of them are going to explain to Chrome how they know there's only one Medusa...

15. I like how Chrome pushed everybody's panels apart while he was asking for clarification XD

16. "He runs the show" shouldn't be an idiom that Chrome would use... There's theater shows, but still, I don't think he'd be casually using that idiom... AND Amaryllis agreed. I suppose the Japanese dialogue probably directly translates to something else, and this was just the closest phrase meaning-wise?

17. Mozu! And Taiju!

18. He is speaking so languidly... he really is not threatened at all by the kingdom of science. And I'm so glad Taiju can protect Senku and Yuzuriha this time, by putting himself between them and the enemy! Although he MAY have done that in the second season as well; I should check sometime...

19. Before, it was Ryusui, and now, it's Ukyo who's the one who is thinking to get at least one person out alive!

20. Don't feel bad, Amaryllis! The kingdom of science really need the information you gave them! Of course you had to come!

21. Good job, Chrome! :) You intuition is totally baad! :D

22. It's just weird how smooth and curved and cartoonish Mozu is the anime. He felt like a huge, powerful threat in the manga, but here... I don't know; the way he's drawn makes him seem a bit goofy?

23. Poor Gen... XD It's up to you! Everybody's lives are depending on you!

24. Senku, shh! You might get us all killed! XD

25. Manipulation technique #00: "Pretend your weak card is your ace of spades!"

26. Manipulation technique #01: "People feel more solidarity with you if you're next to them, not opposite them!"

27. Manipulation technique #02: "Try saying something that's a little bit off-the-mark. The urge to correct you will be so strong that they might sign on to something they never intended to!"

28. (Hah! Mozu's power may be one hundred, but according to the arithmetic battle, Kohaku's is one thousand! :D ...Of course, I think the old system also put Ginro at one hundred, so... um... maybe they're not using the same units... XD)

29. ...See, that Mozu frame was supposed to look menacing, but he just looks so silly in the anime for some reason...

30. I suppose that glowing aura around the Medusa makes it otherworldly, but there's NO way Ibara would hold it while it was still glowing XD He's much too cautious to do that!

31. Does Mozu have the same voice actor as Tsukasa? Their voices sound a bit alike...

32. This hidden, almost-evil-looking face of Gen's is like the face he made in Season One, when he had the idea to get everybody in Ishigami Village to make a telescope for Senku's birthday! :)

33. Manipulation technique #03: "It's called psychological reactance. When you feel like you're being forced to do things, your need to maintain control causes you to reject things!"

34. What is that tied-up part on the back of Ukyo's clothing...?

35. Manipulation technique #03.1: "The way to win a deal isn't to make the other person feel defeated. It's to show servitude, setting out a false red carpet for them and stuff. That's what really matters!"

36. Oooh, Senku and Mozu are shaking hands, formalizing their (super temporary, haha) alliance!

37. It's cute that Mozu was really surprised out when he heard Senku's voice through the earring - and very understandable!

38. He's so extra; he has to be ROWED back XD

39. Gen was so worried and relieved... but he did an AMAZING job negotiating for the kingdom of science, and more importantly, for his friends! :D He's such a talented mentalist and manipulator! :O

40. And Chrome's just like, "Well, as long as Mozu's planning on killing us LATER instead of RIGHT NOW, we're good!" XD

41. Gen totally deserves all the congratulations, and a very long, relaxing break!

42. "Mozu joined the party (for now)!!" And he beat up his fellow Treasure Islanders (which Gen seemed to approve of XD) in order to make them believe that he's an even stronger warrior than... himself, hahaha!

43. And that's it for this episode! Gen was, without a doubt, ten billion percent the MVP for this episode; his negotiation tactics were incredible! :O I have a theory about the episode after this one. I can't talk about it now because it would be spoilery, but I will when it's safe to do so! The next episode's title is "Battle in Three Dimensions," and it's going to air tonight! :)

https :// fireflyhwufanficwriter . tumblr . com / MyDrStoneEpisodeMangaThoughts

[heavy-eyez]

Chapter 14: Departure

Dakota took me to a movie after dinner. After the movie, we took a little stroll through a park.

Sitting in front of a fountain, Dakota looks at me. I don't notice as I'm looking around and taking in all the lights. It's late September, almost Halloween. There are little fairy lights lining the walkway and people are walking about, looking content.

"Faith?" Dakota says

"Hmm?" I say snapping my attention back to him.

"What's wrong?" He asks me

I shake my head implying that nothing was wrong.

It was the truth. I've been admiring the lights, the sights, the sounds.

I try to explain to Dakota that it's all so overwhelming but all I manage is a strangled sound and a weird flapping of my hands. He seems to get the message nonetheless.

"I get it. You'll get used to things as you get used to life again. It's overwhelming at first, I know." He says looking up at the lights with me

"Portland is beautiful this time of year."

I nod. It's always been beautiful, but during the colder months, there's just this glow or aesthetic to it that makes everything wonderful. We sit in silence for several more minutes before he gets up and tells me that we should get back to the home.

A sense of dread washes over me and I start to get teary eyed. Dakota immediately notices and is at my side holding my hand.

"Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He asks, gently wiping a tear from my cheek

I don't want you to go

I can't bring myself to tell him what's wrong. I can't open my mouth long enough to let any words out. I just shake my head and wipe my eyes. I know he's not leaving for good, but I'm still going to miss him. I don't even have his phone number. I won't be able to keep in touch with him unless Zak goes through with the adoption.

"Faith," he says "It's gonna be alright. I promise to keep in touch with you. I'll be here for a few more days, kiddo."

I sniffle and wipe my nose on my sleeve. I hold up my good pinky to him.

Pinky promise?

"I pinkie promise." He says taking my finger.

I smile as best as I can in this emotional state and he smiles back.

~~~~~

Three weeks later

run faster

there's no escape from this

pain rips through my body

my screams fill the empty silence

no one is here to save me

the darkness is sweet like honey,

but its cold as ice

i turn to see the tiny ball of light

suddenly the world around me explodes in a flash of blinding white.

I sit up in a panic. Another nightmare. I'm gonna be okay, it was just a dream. Dreams aren't real.

I look around to find the other girls still sleeping soundly in their beds. I crawl out of mine, taking my thick blanket and cellphone with me. I make a nest of pillows in the corner of the room where the television is located. Thankfully it's near my bed. Wrapping my blanket around myself, I turn on the TV and start watching an episode of Ghost Adventures. Travel Channel always plays them late at night. It's perfect for when I can't sleep. I sit watching the screen for what seems like hours. I don't even remember falling asleep, but it's the most peaceful sleep I get at night.

When I wake for good, it's because of my cellphone ringing. I grab it and mute the ringer. I check the bright screen to see who called me. It was Zak. I get excited for a moment and decide to text him.

'Roommates are still sleeping, whats up?'

He types back a second later.

'good news and bad news, which one do u want first'

'bad news first'

'i lied, there is no bad news. the agency went through the paper work and completed the house tour, verdict came in the mail 2 day.'

'what did it say?'

'says that the court and agency have decided my house is perfect for fostering a kid'

'that's great!'

'it also means that u will be coming to live with me sooner than u think :)'

I stare at what he just sent me. I'm going to live with Zak.

I'M GOING TO LIVE WITH ZAK!

I gasp so loud that all the girls, apart from the twins wake up.

"WHATS WRONG!?

WHOS HURT!?

MY SPAGHETTI!"

We all look at Melissa, who yelled something about spaghetti. I hold up my phone and point to it, rapidly trying to tell them that I'm going to live with Zak. They don't understand but they read the message out loud and start screaming.

"I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! YOU DESERVE THIS! YOU ARE GOING TO BE MISSED SO MUCH!"

I hug them all and as they're telling me what to expect in a foster- to- adopt home, we hear the phone downstairs ring. We all go silent.

"That's probably your friend!" Melissa whispers to me.

I shrug.

We all wait for about five minutes before we hear Miss Joanna coming up the stairs and towards the room.

She comes in a moment later. We all look at her.

"Faith, can I speak with you a moment?" She asks

I nod and do my best to stand without help. I stumble over my own feet but still manage to get over to Joanna. She helps me out of the room and shuts the door behind us.

"Faith, I have some good news for you. As you know, you were only in our care until you could be placed into a home with a foster family, or unless we found any living family members, no matter how distant. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any relatives of your family. Not even a distant cousin. The good news is, the kind man who saved you on the side of the road and brought you here was deemed eligible for a foster child." she explains

"This just means that he's able to foster a child until the child is either adopted into a new family, or adopted into his family."

I nod at her. Goodness Gracious, Miss Jo, I already know! I hold the open phone out to her. she takes a second to read the screen and then giggles.

"Well it seems he ruined the surprise! You best get your things packed because he's already in the state and he's on his way to pick you up!" Joanna says happily.

My jaw drops to the floor. I mean literally drops open and I'm lost for words, not that I had much to say in the first place.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go get packing!" Miss Jo says

A/N: sorry for the boring chapter and the late update. I've been very very busy

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

1.12.25 Sunday--Happy Blessed Sunday... Continuosly will do the prayer vow for nana with LOVE & FAITH!

1:46 am

Still,have windblow...

My heart is genuine... I feel that I'm ugly "for so long"....I feel so peaches,one of the reasons I usèd it as my name...

Peach means hoping to be beautiful...

2:13 am

Still,have windblow...

I feel frustrated and these days are really serious days for me... I'm thinking of job and money...

I feel so left out by everyone...

How can you say that you are a friend? If you keep a lot of things behind my back, for so long.

How can you say that you are a fair friend? If you give me a definition on others that I have no maturity.

Maturity is it depends on each individual... You shouldn't say that you are mature and I'm not...

6:48 am

Still,have windblow...

Waiting for 7 am for the prayer vow...

7:05 am

Still,have windblow...

I feel panicky, where are the fakers friends? Why they are doing this to me?

I'm thinking of money and where to ask HELP?

I wanna leave Cavite if I can...

How to see Daniel Marsh? I need help.... Where to find good people?

Still,hating cousin-white for not being my cousin! Hating my Aunt Ten2x as well...

Why, they are fake on me? I didn't harm anyone or I didn't interfere on someone's life...

Oh! GOD help me... What am I gonna do? I can't find the good people and fakers friends I hope they will have a change of heart.

My 2 Uncle's are more on plastics on me... My biological mother as well...

I don't have any ideas on their organization... Most specially Uncle Jun's organization. I feel that they just wanted me press down. UNCLE JUN HATED ME! I noticed him for so long but it is hard to pin-point coz situation is allowing him to prove that he is real,in a way....Like these days he is the main person in the family who is taking care of nana...

Will Mitch will be firmed to be the next Uncle Jun or Uncle DD? Is she part of it and part of an another organization???

Most old friends in Immaculate Conception Academy are weird and I feel that they are hiding something.... I have the windblow...

I feel stressed-out...

I hate other friends who are able to keep this for so long and hating other people for harming me at my back without my knowledge...

8:02 pm

Still,have windblow...

Helping a friend is truly a religious act... Helping a friend it doesn't mean throwing some hurtful words like I already help you but you don't analyze the situation...

Giving a friend a 1k is a help, I know but judging me that I'm not doing anything is truly unfair coz I have a windblow that is linking on some relatives and on some fakers old friends and some people on and off the TV.

I'm not "Ningas Kugon" you angels should read my entries.... I already explained it here the "Ningas Kugon" my biological mother is saying that???

They should read everything...

I feel frustrated... I wanna travel,they took my time....They stole my life unfairly...

I hate INC's as well and their chiffon organizer's!!!

8:30 am

Still,have windblow...

Today is all about recapping and asking help here and venting-out!

8:56 am

Still,have windblow...

I somehow know the mind of Mitch, if she is actually existing somewhere, out there?

1:41 pm

Still,have windblow...

I wonder who is Mitch in "trueblood"? Is she the inu ( dog )on the song opening introduction or Sookie?

I also need to be Sookie, what are you gonna do Mitch?

Mitch, is she the head leader now? Does Mitch already acquire the power?

Is someone can actually shift into an actual animal??

2:49 pm

Still,have windblow...

I'm still thinking of money and job and I need a circle to investigate...

Pause on "True Blood" it is really happening here in Cavite or in the Philippines, most specially here in Cavite.

Hating my cousin-white on Dubious if they already made their or his kingdom without telling me....I hate "ENTANGLEMENT" that someone is cutting me to know everything!

I wanna travel,still....But I just realized that there is one fucking bitch that I will avoid if I can't have the truth!

3:08 pm

Still,have windblow...

Boss went here, one of police's in Dasma. Cavite driving a y3d840 mitsubishi asking for the cctv here in our house...

Someone died 2 days ago, an old man working on Marivic Velayo Alindog... The old man drove a black pick-up...

Boss June just wanna ask if the CCTV on the roof of our house is working, I said it is no longer working but the other CCTV on the pole on our gate is being handled by the baranggay people or Ate Eden...

He is asking of the angle of the camera if they can do a back-track of it last Friday when that black-pick-up was parked there, in-front of the store of Ate Ochie, the front buiding...

The worker of Marivic Velayo Alindog, I saw that old man just a hi and hello.He looks like a nice person coz I know he is one of the police's of Marivic Velayo Alindog.... Boss June told me that old man was killed at the vulcanizing shop in Salitran, he was shot by a gun. Now he is dead...

I saw Renalyn and her husband driving their electric small open car...

The fakers Uncle Jun is texting me again, negative things.

The tandem of Uncle Jun and Uncle DD...

Sudden message of Uncle Jun...

3:55 pm

Still,have windblow...

This Uncle Jun is suddenly planning an another angle to make me a caregiver and he will become an office boy in baranggay... Once they are here....I love my nana so much and we don't have a medical bed yet and no extra for vacuum...

I just want my nana to live more but these 2 Uncle's I have, are angling an another story for me...

I will get my nana if I have money... John is with me...

5:04 pm

Still,have windblow...

It is so good to be true on other people... I like this Caviar Man!

It is bad to hide yourself...

I tried the Japanese Caviar way back...

I love the japanese Caviar or any Caviar..

It is healthy but pricey but worth it! You don't have to hide the Caviar...

Hiding your identity is a bad character!

5:21 pm

Still,have windblow...

My nana is still on her NGT she can't be here without a medical bed and ac on RV's room... It is expenses, angels!

8:18 pm

Still,have windblow...

Preparing our dinner...

Thanks to 1 of my friends for a bit support for our canned goods.

My best companion these days, my son-dog...

11:27 pm

Still,have windblow...

I hate my Aunt Teresa ( my adoptive mother or guardian ) days that I was still in high-school and college years,now she is not replying on the situation of nana....As if she doesn't care...

They just planned to smash me... I feel bitterish... I wanna slap faces!!!

Aunt Teresa is insensitive for not analyzing the situation.

I didn't have the chance to have my rebirth... I feel super self-pity... I wasn't able to have a new circle who can lift me on the upper bracket...

I feel ugly,fat and aging for nothing....I really wanna do nose perfection and my teeth polisher and breast implants...

I wanna do my nose and teeth,then my breast...If I die on the operating table it means it will be a sad story as well, a traitor on the family and some friends and artist on and off TV.

The angling of story is what,I worry so much....

Uncle Jun can strategically hide his mask on some other mask...

I feel self-pity!!!

[theatrekidstatus]

Chapter 10

||TW: S/A&cringy text|| Y/n pov: "We can go now" I tell everyone "OK let's go mí vida" Ant suggests "What's with the sudden Spanish" I ask "Yo no se" he responds in the car "every one shush Vanessa just got sebby to sleep"

A few months later

"Ok everyone it's opening night, ARE YOU READY!" Lin asks "Yes." Everyone said "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" he chanted "YES" "THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR, NOW let's get READY!" "Hey babe ya nervous?" "A little but I'm gonna shake it off." "You're gonna do great." "Thanks, babe," I say then I give him a peck "I'm not even teasing y'all anymore YALL ARE SO CUTE," Phillipa says "You've mentioned that a time or two" "alright leave 'em alone Phillipa" Nea ushers "I want a boyfriend" Pippa whines (*hypnotize voice*Steven doesn't exist that's no one you know and Johnthan groff didn't introduce them) "I know Phillipa I know" "hey babe wanna go on a date tonight if you're not too tired." "Of course, now can you do my ponytail please" he asks "Of course John" I reply with a funny voice "Thanks..." he drones off "Martha" I Finish "What?" he asks "John Lauren's wife's name was Martha" I explained "how's college by the way" he asked (Anthony was 24 in Hamilton and she would graduate at age 23) "really well I'm passing. But I have to perform a monologue tomorrow and I'm so scared." "Hey I have faith in you." "5 MINUTES TO PLACES" an intercom went off (a/n thank you 5) "I gotta be near the wings and you gotta go to the audience, see ya BEA." I wanted to see the show and see their hard work

-after the show-

I was getting ready to see them "Where do you think you're going?" A strange man asks "None of your business" I reply "Oh I don't like attitude" he Snares as if I care (a/n bars) "Too bad" I say while I get up and walk to the dressing room I felt a hand on my ass then I get spun around then a hand on my boob "are you gonna tell me now" he asked licking his lips "HELP" I sob loud everyone stopped clapping "Y/N" ant and Lin yells the hop off the stage and run to me ant starts getting close to the man "get.out.now." He shouts while holding a hand on the man's neck The man runs away "Are you ok? We have his name and how he looks we can get him arrested." Lin asks me while speed talking I just start crying "Come on, THAT WAS our show I hope YOU LIKE IT AND YEAH UM BYE LOVE YOU" Lin shouts to the audience "LOVE YOU" The audience those are the good Hamilton fans. The ones who get it, the funny ones who share lins love, not whatever kind of fan he was "Babe I'm sorry I couldn't protect you" ant apologizes "What do you mean you scared him off?" He asks "Only because you were strong enough to call out for someone" he assures me "I learned from my last time" I explain "This happened before?" He asked...worried "Yes but it was worse touched everything, got me...pregnant BUT I got an abortion." "I'm so sorry," he said while hugging me

"Y/n are you ok?" Lin says while running in "Yeah I'm fine" "Good come" here he hugs me "Let's go" "ok-OH ANT ARE DATE" I shout as I suddenly remember "If you don't wanna go don't have to" he explains "thank you" I say smiling my weak but real smile "no problem" he replies doing the thing. Me and Lin head home "Lin staying quiet and not talking is not how I like to do with it" "ok yLet'snna talk let's talk" "ok so I was really scared OK I thought it was like a horrible dream but I couldn't scream this time" "in real life or a dream" "both, I couldn't speak in my Dre- well nightmares and I couldn't scream then, but I could this time before it got worse and I was protected and that's why it's not a bad as last time and well I can talk and without a stutter" well guess I gotta explain when I was about 16 and just moved in with Lin. I took a walk and someone followed me but I didn't notice I walked in an alley and yeah... didn't help with previous trauma so I went mute, I got bullied for being the mute depressed girl. When I did speak it was with a stutter and some popular girl became "friends" with me so she could seem nice and get cooler but when she got what she wanted she left me and told me all the stuff I told her. Um yeah, high school was not fun. "Lin I think I need myselfays Of my self." "Of course." "I'm going to sDadp loLoveou dad." "Love you too oh, too wanNessatooPleasenessa" "Please?" I put on my bonnet brushed my teeth put on a sports bra and shorts, and went to bed

-next morning-

"Y/n" "Hm?" "I'm off to work OK Nessa will be home She's ter she she'spping, don't worry she took sebby" "Bye-bye." "Bye, kid." I went back to sleep I woke up like two hours ago. "What do I wear today?" I ask myself "Oh I'm not going there I guess I'll wear this tee" I hear the door open It is Nessa and sebbHeyhey mom, bro," I say while fist bumping seHey "Hey y/n Are you okay Lin told me what happened are you ok" "I'm getting over it" "good have you eaten" "no" "let's fix that can you watch sebby while I cook" "sure" "Sebastian are you ready to eat" "isvdhbhsdbvihbhsvifbisvfb" "sdvihbiwhbviwbdvihhdwvhibwdvb too you to" "breakfast is ready." "nice." "come on baby sit down right here." "this is so good Nessa." "thank you." I got a text from Anthony

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾:hiiiiii are you ok?

Yes

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾:wydddddddd

Eating breakfast with my mom and brother

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾: is it good?

Hella good

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾: I had an energy bar for breakfast

Still lins food NEOW

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾:damn why🤣🤣

Mom packs him every breakfast food so he won't miss one

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾: Ty im going now

Mission completed

ILY sm

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾:lol ly2 cya

AdIoS

"I didn't know y'all were in your 'i love you' part yet" "ha yeah" "y'all kinda remind me of a young Lin and me" "aww" "yeah we're going on a date soon" "really where?" "It's a surprise" "those are always great" "we hear the bell ring" "package for y/n Terrell" "that's me" [a/n: ;) ] "someone sent you this package so sign" "all right" "thank you" "no problem have a blessed day" "what's in the box?" "I don't know" "let's open and see just give me one second" "sebby one last bite" "vwdhuvbdehvhudev" "good boy let's get back in the crib with your toys" "well I heard you got a special someone On the side burr" I sung i don't know the part was stuck in my head "I'm ready" "o- IS THAT A KNIFE" "it's still a mystery package" I open it was ALL my favorite snacks and food clothes I wanted jewelry,make up, and a letter even better it said "y/n I hope this letter finds you in good health and in a prosperous position too put information in the pockets of boyfriends down on there luck because some other guy decide to fuck anyway hi y/n my love language is gifts and I didn't know how to Make you feel better so I hope this brightens up your day<3" "aw Anthony is so sweet" "he really is,I hope we make it..." "to what?" "Marriage..." "I amire that you have that faith but take it slow" "ok nessa" "I'm gonna hang the clothes in my room" "all right" I did just that I then went into mom's room "mommmmm" "hey y/n" "I'm bored wanna stalk peoples post and online shop and judge the clothes" "sure" we were on Etsy when someone texted my computer

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾: did you get it yet? (Yes the contact is the same) (no I'm about to get it)

Yep thank you so much ily<333

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾: no problem ILY2 and HELP PHILLIPA AND JAZZY KEEP READING ARE TEXT AND TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY WANT BOYFRIENDS

Lol

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾: jazzy just hit me

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾: fuck yeah I did and hey boo😜😝😘

JASMINE CEPHAS JONES STOP HURTING MY BF AND GIVE HIM HIS PHONE

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾:no hey back☹️😔

Hey boo Wsp how you have been we gotta go on a date soon

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾:fr anyway your bf is ok

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾: I'm totally fine anywho speaking of dates you wanna go on why next month ONLY IF YOU'RE COMFORTABLE IM SORRY I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUT IT UP"

You are so funny and cute Anyway yeah I'm down (a/n: for the count drowning in em)

My mannn💀🎃😼🫶🏾☠️😺😽🤲🏾👽😸🙀👐🏾👾😹😿🙌🏾🤖😻😾👏🏾: cool Almost my que BYE

"Nessa" "Yeah" "This would be our first date" "Oh I have an outfit where y'all going" "he mentioned the fare so there maybe?" "Ok, so this?"

"Yes Nessa I can always count on you" "Sure can" We got a text and the fam GC

The Miranda's

Hi My NaMe Is LiN mIrAnDa: Y/N HELP

WHAT.

Hi My NaMe Is LiN mIrAnDa: Jazzy is harassing me with questions and harassing Anthony physically

-new text-

Jazzy poo bear😭🙄🔛🔝‼️🗞️🧍🏼‍♀️🫶🏾🤭🎶🗣️🪄✅😑👍🏾🩷😂👦🏿🖕🏾😘❕🔥😔👦🏾💞👹❗️🔊🎩👦🏽:hey boooooo

STOP HARASSING MY BOYFRIEND AND DADDY

Jazzy poo bear😭🙄🔛🔝‼️🗞️🧍🏼‍♀️🫶🏾🤭🎶🗣️🪄✅😑👍🏾🩷😂👦🏿🖕🏾😘❕🔥😔👦🏾💞👹❗️🔊🎩👦🏽:I SOWEY BEA

IT GOOD SUGARPLUM

Anthony Ramos pov: I was bored and y/n didn't come to work because of previous circumstances so I texted her

hiiiiii are you ok?

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝:Yes

wydddddddd

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝: Eating breakfast with my mom and brother

Is it good like scrumptious or just good I need deets

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝: Hella good

I had an energy bar for breakfast

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝: Still lins food NEOW

damn why😂

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝: Mom packs him every breakfast food he won't miss one

Ty is going now

Mission completed

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝:ILY sm

Iol ly2 cya

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝:AdIoS

"You and y/n are getting close" Lin teases "Yeah well we are dating?" I replied confused "How Many teeth do cows have?" Lin asks "Shit I dunno" I answer "Can you look it up," he asks with wonder, and his eyes "aight" I go to Safari and I look at Lin to ask why he thought that" "WEDDING RINGS" he shouts "WEDDING RINGS" everyone shouts "UM NO WHAT HUH UM FUCK" I shout and stutter, "bitch you better not purpose the littarl DAY after she was assaulted," jazzy says in an angry tone "I'm not, Jesus" I reply "and.you.better.not.give.her.a.google.ring.she.is.a.Pinterest.girl." She said while hitting me "I know gah damn" I shout

did you get it yet

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝:Yep thank you so much ily<333

"Man y'all so scared to say I love you over text" Jazzy shares "But they are so cute" Pippa adds "For real" Jazzy agrees

No problem ILY2 and HELP PHILLIPA AND JAZZY KEEP READING TEXT AND TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY WANT BOYFRIENDS

Lol

"Fuck you"

Jazzy just hit me

"SNITCH BITCH" Jazzy shouts "OW PIPPA SAY SOMETHING" I yell "BARS?" Pippa asked, Jazzy stole my phone while I winced

fuck yeah, I did, and hey boo😜😝😘

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝JASMINE CEPHAS JONES STOP HURTING MY BF AND GIVE HIM HIS PHONE

no hey back☹️😔

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝Hey boo Wsp how you have been we gotta go on a date soon

Anyway, your bf is OK

Im totally fine anywho speaking of dates you wanna go on why next month ONLY IF YOU'RE COMFORTABLE IM SORRY I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUT IT UP"

pinkie pie😩💗🎊❗️🔝🎥💞💕❕🎉🔛😔💓🪅😭‼️🤡😠💖🗣️🎈🔊🔙☹️😫🍾🥳🙄😚😝:You are so funny and cute Anyway yeah I'm down

Cool Almost my que BYE

"You should get her a present" Jazzy suggests "I already did" I add to the conversation "Ooooo what?" Pippa asks "A bunch of food she likes and stuff she wanted," I say to answer her question "Aw" Pippa and Jazzy say and unison "I wanna boyfriend" they share in unison "I know come on girls," renèe says while leaving with them

-intermission-

Jazzy was asking me and Lin hella questions about y/n then she started hitting me then Lin texted their family group chat

Then Jazzy stopped yelling to text y/n

[perpetual-fool]

(What didn't happen)

It is the second grade of elementary school, I am seven years old. I am bullied on a daily basis. Most mornings I feel nauseous. The teachers punish me for what happens no matter what I do. Showing any emotion at all invites harassment. I learn that the best way to hide what I'm feeling is to not feel it at all. I push everything down, make myself numb. The adults praise me for being 'stoic'.

It is the first year of junior high, I am twelve years old. Puberty has started and I'm now bigger than the other kids, they stop bullying me. School has become torture. There is only memorization and inane busywork, they don't teach us anything. I don't need homework to pass, so I never do it. I always say I've lost it. I don't keep things organized and I don't look too hard, so it's not technically a lie. One particular day I get the idea that maybe I will start trying. I ask one of the teachers for another copy of the homework I'd already lost, as my parents kept telling me the teachers would help if I asked. "Why should I?" she says, "Because I need your help?" I say, confused. She doesn't reply. I never ask for help again.

It is the second year of high school, I am sixteen. I am dead inside. My religion has taught me that everything I am is evil, and avoiding the 'evil' of others has kept me socially isolated. The only bright spot of my day is orchestra class, which is at least a very little bit stimulating. I end up sitting next to a girl called Rene. She keeps playfully poking me until I take notice. She's small and cute and her bubbly demeanor is intoxicating. She likes me for some reason. We start chatting online. Initially it's all frivolous, but I'm desperate for connection and after not very long I start opening up about my feelings. She doesn't berate me or blow it off or make fun of me. She listens, she asks questions to be sure she knows what I'm saying, and she checks with examples to be sure she understands. It's the first real kindness I've ever known. She opens up too, and I do my best to reciprocate. I fuck it up quite frequently, but she's patient with me and we talk it over whenever I make a mistake, as she knows I haven't been able to openly be myself since kindergarten. And..

I was going to say we went our separate ways until my breakdown in college, but if she had been like this, there's no way in heaven or hell I'd have let her go willingly. (For that matter, I didn't want the real one to go either, but that was her decision.) And I was gonna say she's not a believer to make all this and the next part in particular make sense.

It is the first year of college, I am nineteen. I have no more faith in school, I have reached the end of the line and they still are teaching me nothing. The loneliness and depression have become crippling. I don't go to classes, I can barely leave my room, some days I can't get out of bed at all. I've kept telling myself this must all be for some greater good, but I'm starting to plan on killing myself, and there can't be any greater good for me after that. My faith in my religion is growing thin. Having no one left to turn to, I reach out to Rene. Being worried for my health she asks if I can stay with her. I ditch school, making the two hour drive back so I can see her. Over the next couple days I share all of the crumbling convictions I'd been indoctrinated with and she slowly helps me reach the conclusion I already know is coming. And when it does, it seems like a world of possibilities opens up to me. Rene keeps me grounded through my naive optimism, explaining to me that I can't just tell religious people they're wrong and such.

And I have to stop here. I'd like to say that then she gave me a crash course on relationships, friendship, romance, sex, etc. But I don't know how that would work, I've never had that.

- Writing this, all the usual imagined conversations came to me. But this time I have answers. I feel like I'm going through the breakup again. I'm exhausted. It hurts. The woman herself is long gone, of course. But the loss of the kind of person I thought she was hurts too. She was so full of joy and endlessly compassionate. And still, even from the very beginning, she was my enemy.

I'm torn. I feel good, light. I might finally have my footing. But also, I'm so very empty, gutted. I wanted to be a part of that world, not find out that it doesn't exist. And I do still miss the woman herself. She was.. very convincing. Years later and you're still hurting me. Bah.

Tomorrow will be different.

[ananke-xiii]

Did I lie? Did I lie??? DID I FUCKING LIE?

I want to go on record here and say it: people feeling "betrayed" because stories amp their curiosity up with mysteries upon mysteries that ultimately mean nothing and are just there to "sell" the show, and therefore ads, merchandise etc, is VALID. 100%. However.

However, I feel like FROM has been quite faithful to the audience because it has been clear from the pilot that this was going to be about, as I said, childhood trauma (in the form of children sacrifice aka child abuse).

Now, of course, the monsters and the mysteries were there because watching a show about, let's say, me going to therapy to remember, uncover and eventually, hopefully, deal with my childhood trauma is not interesting, in the sense that nothing (exciting) really happens in reality. This is one of the reasons why stories, on the other hand, compel us, I think, because in fiction we are free from, for example, time constraints and from doing the actual work on an individual level. But they can help us open some doors for us. And some of us will perhaps open those doors for themselves.

So I worry about the naive but also entitled idea that monsters must be real monsters and all mysteries must be explained. I mean, what do you mean? This is fiction. If you want to literalize it, you can do it but it won't be a pleasant experience because you most probably won't get what you want, that is: a fictional reality where a=a and nothing else or more, where everything is 100% clear, explained, understood and shared by anyone in the same, identical way. This is an absolutist and dictorial idea of fiction that sees art as a product and if I don't get what I ordered, or if what I ordered doesn't match the image of the product, then I will file a complain or ask for a return. Like, no, it really doesn't work this way.

At this point it's not even about media literacy but I suspect there's like an unconscious hope? desire? that stories can do the work for us and/or that stories are simply entertainment. Or that stories can represent reality in all its facets and these facets must all be good (the monster is a monster and is just and only a monster and it must be killed) because I don't want to be an active audience and question my prejudices, my ideas, or even myself when I consume media. I want what I ask for. Or else.

I hope I won't regret this but FROM, as a tv show, is actually doing a great job in explaining metaphorically what uncovering (generational) trauma means. Of course it's a horror show because when one starts working on oneself it's very unlikley that one will find nice flowers, fragrant perfumes and warm, nice protective hugs.

Not saying it's a perfect show but it's really been playing the same note (pun intended!) from the first frame of the pilot so the fact that there are people who still don't get it is a bit worrying. The show's been renewed for another season and I'm actually glad because it means that we will likely see the people of the town having to deal with what they've uncovered. And, again, it's not going to be easy because, for example, Tabitha says that she "can't" and I don't blame her because what she's unearthed is A. Lot.

Also, there's gonna be time travels next season for sure and I can't wait!

finally caught up with all "From" episodes... what to say? Very, very good storytelling, it's super clear and well executed, I don't understand people complaining about the mysteries not being "resolved", I feel like I'm back in time to when "LOST" was airing. Baby, it's about childhood trauma, it's always been. The theme is LITERALLY in the theme song.

Loving the vibe of the town atm: all these people, especially men, talking about how "broken" or soon to be so some women are while they're the ones who're clearly broken and refusing to see the truth as per usual. In the meantime, I think that the people who follow the "broken" women actually will have a chance. Things are getting dire for Jim, Boyd and Ellis and, frankly, maybe it's cause I'm tired tonight but yeah, I'd be okay with that. Growth or Death to controlling men or cut the show, I'm done.

[heavy-eyez]

Chapter 10: Introductions

Joanna sets a plate of food in front of me. It's significantly smaller than the rest of the plates. I take a quick look around. Some kids have plates piled high with pancakes and eggs and bacon. I get uncomfortable with my measly portion. I pick up the fork and start eating the food given.

I must have been hungry because I ate everything on the plate. This is the first meal I've actually finished by myself. Granted it was small, but I am still proud. I sip on my glass of orange juice and wait for Joanna to finish eating. She sets her utensils down. Suddenly, a bunch of teenagers around my age stand up and start collecting plates, silverware, cups, and trash. Joanna sets her plate on the top of the stack and clears her throat.

"So. As you know, we have a new member with us today. I would like you all to introduce yourselves to Faith and tell her a little about yourself so she feels more comfortable here." Joanna says

All eyes are on me. I keep my eyes on my napkin which is clenched in my fist.

"Kali. Why don't you start?"

I look up and notice a girl standing up. She has beautiful dark skin and a big bunch of curls at the top of her head.

"Hi, My name is Kali. I'm 16 years old, I'll be 17 in a week. I like to read, do makeup, and decorate houses. Welcome to our foster home. I hope you enjoy yourself." Kali says

The girl across from her stands up. She fixes her shirt before speaking. This girl has tan skin and a headscarf on her head. She's wearing a blue shirt and black pants. She has pretty brown eyes.

"My name is Afsana. I am 15 years old. I like to cook and sew, as a tradition from my culture. Aside from that, I enjoy riding skateboards, singing, and painting. Blessings to you." she says

She puts her hands together and sits down.

"Hi! I'm Melissa! I'm also 15! I love listening to music, watching TV, riding my skateboard, painting, reading, and writing! I hope we become good friends! You are so pretty!" Says a girl with bouncy hair across from me.

She's loud. I like her energy but I literally could never be that loud.

Several other girls, including a set of twins, and all the boys introduce themselves to me. There is only a few that I don't get a good feeling from. It was a nice introduction. They all look at me, waiting to see if I'll say something.

"Thank you all. You all, except for the Twins, Melissa, Afsana, and Kali, can go back to your rooms and get ready for the day. Chop chop!" Joanna says

Every one, including the group of teenagers in the kitchen, leaves the room. Joanna and I are left in the dining room alone with these five strange girls.

"Ladies, I would like you to take Faith around and give her a tour of the home. I can trust you with this, yes?" Joanna asks

"Yes, Jo!" they all say at once.

"Faith, I'm helping set up your room today. Will you be okay with the girls? I can always call Svetlana to follow you around." Joanna says

I open my mouth and wave that suggestion away.

"Okay. You guys bring her back to me in one piece, okay?" Joanna says

"Yes, ma'am!" they say

Melissa grabs my wheelchair and helps me into it.

"Oh. My. Gosh. You are going to love it here. It's so pretty. We're all gonna be best friends!" She squeals

"Melissa. Calm down, please. You don't want to scare the poor girl." Kali says

"Let's start with the rooms. It'll be the easiest." Afsana says

Kali has Melissa push my chair into a hallway and she starts explaining the set up of the rooms to me.

"The boys are on the left side of the hall and the girls are on the right, we all have our own bathrooms, according to the rooms, sometimes we have to share with another group. We have the top two floors, since the ground floor is used for classrooms and such. Extracurriculars, the living room, ec cetera. Melissa, Afsana, and the twins share a room on the second floor. I have my own group of girls that I share a room with. I think you'll be staying downstairs in one of the empty classrooms unless you can somehow get up the stairs." Kali mutters something under her breath "But anyways, I guess we can start down here and show you around the classrooms."

I'm wheeled through all the classrooms. They are all messy and covered in paint, clay, and plastic. I see what she means by extracurricular activities. This place even has a music room. Kali takes us to the staircase and snaps her fingers.

"Shoot. I forgot you can't walk. Guess we'll have to save the upstairs for another day." She says snobbishly

I hate her the very moment those words come out of her mouth. With Melissa holding my chair, I push myself up onto my one working foot. I motion to the stairs. Kali's face twists into a look of disgust, but starts heading up the stairs.

Melissa laughs.

"What are you laughing at, Melissa!" Kali snarls

"You, Kali. Faith just showed you how much of a bitch you really are!" Melissa says

The corners of my mouth twitch up into an attempted smile. I allow myself to be helped to the first step of the staircase by Afsana. I limp my way up the stairs while Melissa drags my chair along behind me. She's trying to be careful, as she constantly reminds me everytime there's a loud bump.

We finally make it to the top of the stairs, where Kali is waiting for us.

"Finally. These are the rooms, I don't know where you'll be staying, unfortunately. You can take that up with Joanna later." Kali says throwing open the first door.

The inside of the room is spotless. Clean surfaces, neatly made beds, a window is open and a candle is burning in the corner. There's four sets of bunk beds on either side of the room. There is still a surprising amount of space between the bunks and the dressers. There's a door to the right of the one I'm standing in, it's a bathroom with one very large sink and multiple faucets. I limp over.

"Wait. I have your chair!" Melissa says

I allow myself t be helped into the chair and pushed into the bathroom. Next to each of the faucets there is a cup with two toothbrushes. Melissa explains that all the rooms are set up differently according to who's living in it, but they all have the same basic essentials. Beds, extra blankets, a closet, dressers, and bathrooms.

I nod along and let her push me out of the room and into the next one. Kali has since let Melissa take over the tour.

"This room at the end of the hall is ours! The twins, Afsana, and I's room!" Melissa explains. pushing me over to the right of the hallway.

She stops in front of a basic white door with each of their names painted on it.

'Melissa

Afsana

Alexis

McKenzie'

The twins names are Alexis and McKenzie? There's space underneath for one more name. It looks like someone else's name was painted over it. I put my finger on the spot and look at Melissa.

"This used to be where Svetlana stayed. But she aged out and joined the travel agency that she works for. You know, To travel with Orphans, or Adoptees." Melissa explains.

I nod and allow her to push the door open. The room is a pastel blue with drawings all over the walls. Fish swimming around in the blue wall water, trees and plants growing out of the small cracks in the paint, roses blooming out of the windowsill. My eyebrows go up in shock. It's beautiful. I love it. I want to stay in this room with these creative girls.

My lips turn up into a smile. Melissa squeals.

"You like it!" She shrieks

I nod my head.

"Do you want to stay with us? We can help you get up and down the stairs until your casts come off, and we can teach you how to paint, and we can watch TV in here!" Melissa blurts out pacing back and forth.

I take a look at the room. There's one bunk bed in the far right corner, and four single beds lined up along the walls, sort of like the first room. Only one bed looks untouched. The one by the window. One of the beds is decorated in beautiful bright colours that almost match Afsana's headscarf. I point to the bed and then to Afsana, who's standing in the doorway awkwardly.

"That's my bed. Do you like it?" She asks shyly.

I nod and take another look around. Fluffy rugs all around the floor, Pillows stacked in the corner and laid out around a small flat screen television. There's a dresser in the far corner with all their names written on pieces of tape. I love this room. I love it so much. I know these girls are going to be my best friends while I'm here. I turn to Melissa and hand her my bag.

"YOU'RE GONNA STAY?!" she yells

I nod excitedly.

"YAY! I'LL GO TELL JOANNA!" she says running off with my bag.

She turns back ten seconds later and puts my bag on the empty bed.

"I got a little carried away, sorry. Let's go tell her together." She says.

[vitamiiiiins]

this is a """msp*c l*sbian""" hate blog btw. to be clear