#and I'm genuinely worried how anything bad happening will affect my mental health

[hira492]

Okay, just 4 hours till I get to watch the episodes...

[archivalofsins]

This is going to be out of the blue to just post but I want to say something on it without going into too much detail.

(TW: Suicide, Suicide ideation)

Most people don't care about suicide or suicide ideation. Like legitimately they don't care. It has become such a common point of conflict in fiction that the best one will get in real life is a "I'm sorry you feel that way" or someone claiming that the person saying it is lying, faking, just being dramatic.

At worse a person will tell someone else to do it as an attempt to call them on their bluff.

These are all literal responses I have received to this issue not hyperbole by the way. So, it was funny to me when people took Haruka's threat made at himself in order to leverage the affection people felt towards him for personal gain seriously. Because it continues to highlight the fact that the only time people can take suicide seriously is when the topic is being discussed in a work of fiction.

Yet, in real life people are more than willing to ignore and dismiss issues pertaining to it. Another example I had someone literally tell me that they wouldn't really be concerned unless I wrote a suicide note because unless it gets that far it's not that serious it's just talk. That's how common it is for people to just use suicide ideation and the concept of it as a threat with no intention of following through. It's to the point that people will just go,

"Oh you're depressed well I'll worry like the second before you're going to do something about it."

This is what makes Haruka's threat difficult and aggravating for me to discuss personally as well. Because to me it's clear that he doesn't have the desire to do what he said he would. Plus, people can find it in their hearts to give this sort of attention and worry to a fictional character but if you call a suicide prevention hotline in the US they can just hang up on you. They did this to my friend like three times. That's how dismissed this is. Someone will tell me,

"Call the suicide prevention hotline."

Then I'll have to go no I don't think I want to be degraded and blamed for my circumstances over the phone then hung up on. I'd rather literally do anything else. I could go buy a cake and that would be more beneficial to my mental health than doing what was just suggested.

The contrast between how people treat the idea of suicide in fiction versus those struggling with suicide ideation in reality is really disgusting actually.

It bothers me a great deal. Because it's been used as a plot point in fiction to the extent that no one knows how to handle it in real life. The concept has been so fictionalized that it's become this outlandish situation. So much so that well meaning people think oh that sort of thing only happens in stories, we all talk about it from time to time but no one is serious. Because,

"I'm never serious when I say that. So, this person can't be either."

This leads to people who do struggle with this genuinely to more likely be treated like liars or as though they're just being dramatic. So, that threat and how it was received really annoyed me on a personal level.

Yet no one really talks about how that aspect of the story was done and illustrated. I haven't really seen anyone saying Milgram kind of treats this topic as a way to raise the stakes for shock value instead with the seriousness it deserves. Honestly it's a really human response overall and I'm not trying to say it was bad of the team to add and explore the concept.

However, the lack of questioning at its inclusion to me does serve to highlight a reoccurring bias when it comes to heavy topics in fiction in contrast to how those same issues are regarded in reality.

In the real world when conversations around suicide arise- Do people keep the same energy they're willing to extend to a fictional life? Do they show the same concern and consideration to the people they claim to love? Or do they dismiss it, do they get offended, do they disbelieve it and shut down, or just run away?

Based on my experiences I would say that most people don't handle the topic with the same severity when presented with it in their own lives. This is something Yamanaka touches on in Caligula Effect Overdose with Shogo's story. A guy who literally could have done anything but decided to do nothing while a person close to him made it abundantly clear that they were going to commit suicide. Even going to the point of asking Shogo to do it with them.

Giving him the time and place they'd do it at.

Then instead of telling someone or going to stop them. He just does nothing actually doesn't do a damn thing. He just runs home really and prays they don't do it I guess. Hopes this is just them being dramatic again. It wasn't just them being dramatic again and he regrets not doing anything deeply. So it's not as though Yamanaka is unaware of how people tend to respond to suicide ideation with dismissiveness and denial.

Or how people respond to wrongs in general with dismissiveness and denial. Even when there is something they can do about it by just speaking up. That's shown again with the guard in the first Milgram novel. The entire first novel highlights how complacent the every day person is with being a bystander. How okay people are with others getting hurt as long as they can say they didn't do anything themselves.

As long as their hands are still clean.

He then highlights this again with Mu who states in her second voice drama that she never did any of the bullying herself. Even going as far as to have Es go,

"Yeah you just had others do it for you."

Again what makes you less culpable- Does it matter if you didn't do it with your own hands if you wanted it to happen and instigated it?

Then the fanbase itself is really hypocritical about suicide as a whole. Saying that what Mahiru did was less bad than everyone else simply because her victim might have killed themselves- Then turning around and going we have to vote Mu Innocent so Haruka doesn't kill himself. Like what the actual fuck why does that matter? Especially when half of the people here are debating that if the prisoner's victims killed themselves that makes them less responsible overall and not murderers.

Yet as soon as the same logic is used for a character one likes suddenly if Haruka dies those who voted Mu guilty are to blame. Nobody forced him to make that threat. That's a choice he made. If he doesn't want to commit to it he's within his right not to. Also that would mean everyone here who was given the convenient excuse of not directly killing their victim because instead their victims committed suicide are also still responsible for that. Regardless of whether they directly got their hands dirty or not.

Because pushing someone to the point where they think killing themselves is the only solution will always be a bad thing. Especially when some make it clear in their videos that it was their intent to do this.

Like Mu with the fucking board,

Hanging or stabbed?? Which will it be~

Since people don't really seem to take suicide that seriously or even consider that vulnerable individuals can be manipulated into taking their own lives at all- It's unsurprising to see it being treated as smaller than what other prisoners have done.

Luckily in this case legally some parts of the US (law on this varies on a state level) have deemed causing someone or encouraging them to commit suicide comparable to murder.

Then there's this entire well known case in the states which is summarized beneath if you don't want to watch the video,

"In addition to these laws, in a high-profile Massachusetts case involving encouraging suicide through text messages, a teen girl was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter as a youthful offender in connection with her boyfriend’s suicide. As summarized in the state court decision upholding her conviction, in a series of text messages with her boyfriend, “the defendant encouraged the victim to kill himself, instructed him as to when and how he should kill himself, assuaged his concerns over killing himself, and chastised him when he delayed doing so.” She was found guilty under the legal theory that her actions amounted to “wanton or reckless conduct” which caused the victim’s death (Commonwealth v. Carter, 474 Mass. 624 (2016)). She later sought review in the U.S. Supreme Court, alleging that her conviction violated her First Amendment rights, but the Court declined to hear her appeal (U.S. Supreme Court orders, January 13, 2020, page 4). Earlier this year, she was released from prison, having served part of her 15-month sentence and earning time off her sentence for good behavior."

I'm inclined to agree with the decision some states have made to consider doing things like this a crime comparable to man slaughter and first degree murder. I had to watch that case unfold and hear the texts about it. It was used as a reason to more heavily monitor texts of children and crack down on communicating online which wasn't a concern of mine because I barely used the internet socially. Yet, still this case could not be escaped. Everyone was discussing it for one reason or another.

However, in most cases the person doing this can be proven to have the active intent to end someone else's life albeit in a very indirect way.

Also asking, "Are you still alive?" doesn't look that good when you have this context. As it can come off as hurry up, when are you going to do it- Instead of a question of genuine concern.

Just throwing that out there-

23/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: Haruka-kun, I brought your food. Are you still alive? Has any mould started growing?

Haruka: ……ah, thank you very much. Mu-san. Sorry, um…… I……

Mu: You shouldn’t just lock yourself in your room all day. You have to eat your food properly. Hm, well…… I do understand why you’re feeling down. It feels bad. The atmosphere recently

Haruka: Um, I’m totally fine…… Just a bit, I’m thinking, about how to do it. What to do, what to do, to…… fulfil my promise. For Mu-san’s sake……

Then given the fact Haruka responds to her questions with first apologizing and then stating he's still trying to figure out how to do it. Does not make this come off any better than it already did.

Also in the US threatening suicide or harm to oneself in order to obtain something such as in,

"If you don't x then I'm going to commit suicide."

Is a well known form of manipulation and emotional abuse predominantly exploited in domestic violence situations. How are some people not understanding something that South Park was able to display. I guess that's just how little people care about this topic outside of personal entertainment reasons.

That's all I can guess at this point given my experiences. But yeah this one has been bothering me for a good while actually. For obvious reasons. It's just so dismissive of a real problem and Mu blatantly admits she is the type to downplay this serious issue in both her first and second song,

"Just one more time before saying goodbye- I’m just kidding, please forget I said that." -

She presents herself as being suicidal while having a joke about her victim committing suicide on the board and on her victim's desk. Because putting flowers on a persons desk over there is a way of telling the person to kill themselves.

"Thanks for all the fun times we’ve had! The flowers are a present for you!"

"Why won’t you stop hurting me?"

"I am relieved, I am always the drama queen."

Yeah this definitely isn't the behavior of someone who claims to care about mental health and bullying only when it serves them at all. She's only displayed making fun of suicide multiple times in one song guys. Oh and then she completely weaponizes Haruka's suicide threat in her voice drama as soon as Es says they may change her verdict based on what they find out here,

I sure have understood that talking to you isn't getting me anywhere. But I guess I'll take your little explanation into consideration.

"Ah- But if you don't forgive me Haruka-kun will die, so I think it'd be best to not do that."

...!

Then goes on to absolve herself of anything to do with Haruka's decision as soon as Es asks why she's not doing anything to stop him despite knowing this.

So you've heard about that nonsense, too?

"Mhm! Haruka-kun told me. So I could rest easy, according to him. That made me happy... It made me really feel our friendship!"

You know about it and you're not trying to stop him? Haruka that is?

"Why would I? Haruka-kun says that's what he wants, so there's nothing I can do, right?"

But you're calling him your friend.

"Isn't it exactly because he's my friend? Isn't friendship about letting your friends do the stuff they want?"

...

"Are you planning to tell me that's not what friendship is? Then what is it then? It's about sticking together because it's beneficial for everyone involved, isn't it?"

I don't think Haruka is benefitting from that at all.

"No way... It's not like you'd know what's good for him."

... You sure are tough to beat.

"I really don't get what it is you're trying to say, warden-san. Haruka-kun is free to decide what he wants, and I'm not doing anything wrong. It's not like I asked him to do that!"

It is kind of funny that she's like it's not like I asked him to do that and Haruka's out here like to fulfill the promise I made with Mu. Something that heavily implies they did have a conversation about this and made some sort of deal on it but I'm digressing.

Well, that's it she can't stop Haruka. Because it's his choice. It's what he wants to do and she's just supporting him. Just going in making sure he eats and being helpful. It's not Mu's fault if anything happens to Haruka it's not like she forced him to do anything. In the same vein that the audiences verdict didn't force him to do anything.

Haruka put that stipulation all on himself.

Nobody forced or manipulated him into making that decision it was a conclusion he came to himself. A threat he decided to make and a deal like any other deal a prisoner has tried to make with the guards. Nothing we can do about it he just has to lie in the bed he made.

Nobody told him to make it that way but he did.

The only one who can decide what to do for him is him. Unless a lot of people want to get real uncomfortable and start discussing how they not only treat suicide in media but in real life. Though that would require thinking and you know what Mu says about that,

"Anyway... I think you would do good to forgive me. Then Haruka-kun will be safe, too. Ah, actually, couldn't you just forgive everyone? Then Kotoko-san won't run amok and you won't have to think about all the difficult stuff. "

...That is...a very enticing proposal.

"Right? Hah, hehehe."

Abandoning all thinking... How nice it would be if I could just do that.

"...If you ask me I don't really get why you don't do it..."

If you don't think about all the difficult stuff life gets a lot easier. It's not as messy and you don't have to reckon with all the manipulative things people are capable of. Just don't think and it'll work out.

It's easy to think of suicide ideation and the concept of suicide itself in such a black and white way. As someone else's choice and not a byproduct of their environment or current life circumstances weighing on them. If it's just a personal choice that no one can ever be manipulated into then so many cases in Milgram become cleaner.

I just think it's funny how that stops being a personal choice as soon as it can impact a character that one likes. Even if that character choose to threaten themselves very openly. But again I guess to a lot of people like Haruka and Mu, believe suicide only matter as much as one can weaponize it to get something they want.

Any other time it's not even worth the stress. So, why think that hard about it?

[effervescentbee]

I have the useless talent of being able to listen to any song and immediately make a story out of it for whatever my current interest is. This means I'm constantly overflowing with ideas and almost all of them make no sense and aren't even good but I can't get them out of my head, so i recently (like 2 minutes ago) decided it would be a good idea to share my ideas

This one is based on 18 by anarbor

Basically they're regular people and miles, who turned 18 like 2-3 months ago, got into a huge fight with his parents that ended in him storming out and taking his dad's police car because he can. He goes to Hobie, who is 19 and has his own place, and he starts telling him about everything that happened with him and his parents.

Hobie might make a joke saying miles should move in with him and this whole bit happens about them jokingly making plans to move in together. Halfway through it miles will say something along the line of "my parents would be pissed if I did move in with you specifically, I think the only thing they would hate more is if we were dating"

Miles then takes a second to think and actually asks Hobie to be his boyfriend, he's 100% genuine and hes liked Hobie pretty much since they met. Hobie, who hasn't fallen for miles yet, agrees to date miles but doesn't take it seriously. He thinks of it as being miles rebellious phase and doesn't think miles actually likes him, the only reason he agrees is because he thinks if he doesn't say yes miles will go find some other person his parents would disapprove of to date, that and he doesn't mind 'dating' miles for a bit just to see him rebel against his parents.

Now miles is over the moon thinking Hobie likes him back and acts like a boyfriend does, taking him on dates, buying him gifts, being more affectionate and so on. Hobie enjoys it, he doesn't quite get why miles would go out of his way to act like a couple all the time but he plays along because he likes spending time with miles and getting free food and gifts.

Soon Hobie finds himself looking forward to their dates, of course he was always happy to spend time with miles, but now it's become the only thing he can think about once they decide on having the date. He finds himself treasuring every gift he receives from miles and feels all giddy when he sees one of the gifts laying around his home. He finds himself loving that he gets more attention and affection from miles than anyone else in their friend group does. Hobie finds he is falling in love with miles.

Hobie let's himself fall, coincidentally forgetting he thinks their whole relationship is miles rebelling from his parents. Until he remembers when they're on a date and some random person asks how they got together.

Hobie obviously is really sad about it. Here he is thinking of miles like his real boyfriend but miles doesn't think of him that way (that he knows of anyways)

Hobie chooses not to do anything about it though. He chooses to pretend what they have is real and it's just making him more miserable as they go on dates and miles is so sweet to him but doesn't like Hobie back.

Eventually Hobie had to break up with miles for his own mental health, also the fact that miles had noticed he had been upset and Hobie felt bad about making him worry.

It could end like that, they break up for good and both are miserable. Hobie thinking miles could never like him back and being sad about every single moment with miles that meant so much to him but nothing to miles. Miles thinking Hobie didn't like him anymore and maybe never liked him that much to begin with since Miles had been the only one to initiate anything romantic for so long and just as Hobie began to initiate romantic things he began being more distant until they broke up.

They wouldn't talk anymore after the breakup up and one day Hobie is on a walk and as he's thinking about miles he ends up walking by Miles parents home. He sees Miles moving boxes to a car and quickly realizes miles is moving out. Miles notices him and they hold about 3 seconds of eye contact before Hobie looks away and begins to speed walk home. It leaves a bitter taste in their mouths as they both remember how they had planned moving in together the day they started dating.

Orr Pav, Gwen, Margo, noir, peter and everyone else whos there to see the mess that they both are after the breakup convince them to talk it out (convince doesn't necessarily mean getting them to willingly talk to each other, it could also mean they split into groups of two and each group tells one of them they're gonna hang out amd then they go to the same place to hang out by 'accident' and then they leave the two of them together to talk it out)

They start dating again, miles makes sure Hobie knows he actually likes him and Hobie makes sure to initiate romantic stuff so both of them can be sure the relationship isn't one sided

They also move in together at some point and they're so smiley and happy and it's great. They smile the whole day while they talk fondly about how they had jokingly said they would move in together and now it was really happening :))

I feel the need to add that the reason the part of miles recently turning 18 is relevant is because I imagine a part where Hobie says "barely turned 18 and you're already trying to be an adult and move out" maybe not that exactly but something along those lines when they're joking about miles moving in with them

As I was writing the end I did come up with two ideas that are basically the same thing and make the fact miles had just turned 18 relevant

They broke up a month or so before miles birthday, so for miles birthday they aren't together anymore. When they get back together miles is 19 and they have a fluffy moment of talking and saying they left 18 behind as in they've moved on and healed their relationship.

Other idea is the exact same thing except they broke up like 4-5 months before miles birthday and then got together again before miles birthday and they have a party and this time it's them and their friend group talking about leaving 18 behind

I like the 1st one cause it means they were in a relationship for a while before the angst and it leaves a lot more room for Hobie to fall in love

But at the same time I like the second one cause it includes everyone else and not just Hobie and miles

[like-wuatafauq]

Things that have genuinely helped me with PTSD: TW:

(These are some things that worked for me that I figured out so they might not work for everyone)

• I took myself to a wreck room so I could wreck something without injuring myself (if you can't afford this, use old clothes, fabrics and tear it or just simply throw it out. This helped me a lot when it comes down to SA)

• Touching the nearest texture(like a wall or fabric) and focusing on it, I use this often when my mind confuses the location/time I'm at.

• Looking at the year/date and thinking how I'm no longer there or something is no longer happening

• Thinking of someone who calms me (if you feel that you don't have someone, think of how your body is there for you and trying its best, I've done both and when it comes down to thinking of my body caring for me it also helped me start caring for my body and taking the steps to feel/be more healthy, this eventually led me to do less selfharm things)

• Knowing that just because I'm trying to be healthy/ get better doesn't mean I should be mean to myself when I'm not.

• Practicing breathing techniques every now and then even when I'm not having a ptsd attack

• Allowing yourself to be cared for little by little to what you're comfortable of course but the right people/partner won't see you as a burden

• I struggled a lot with nightmares not just from SA but other life and military things so I stopped dissecting the nightmares to "fix" myself and would remind myself they are just nightmares, I also go to sleep with piano music instead of other music or even orchestra music that has big jumps in the song. Good examples of the calm piano music:

Stuff We Did by Michael Giacchino,Olga Scheps,

Before You Left by Yehezkel Raz

An Elephant for Mum by Joachim Heinrich

Back in Time by Borrtex.

Because these types of songs don't have drastic changes in volume/tempo throughout the song that can cause more sleep disturbance.

• Letting people know what your triggers are but also working on how they don't always have to be a trigger for you. What I mean: cabinets, doors or anything being slammed or making a slamming noise always triggers me and I've let my roommates know which they've done very good at but when they are rushing and something gets slammed etc. I remind myself they are not doing it on purpose and they are not trying to hurt me. I still flinch, I still worry, but not as much anymore and over time I've been able to even ask if something is up which before I use to just have a sinking feeling they were mad and would take it out on me. It helped me a lot to realize that just because I have a trigger not everyone is going to hurt me

• Doing childlike things help!!! Pretend ptsd is a bully and it's just being mean to you, tell it to go away!! I use to open up a window at night after I had a nightmare and would be like "okay that was mean go away"

• Going back to therapy and taking meds (and if you are already taking meds this is a quick reminder to take your meds with food and water so it doesn't upset your stomach)

• Deciding to actually move on. I have talked to multiple therapists about things but it took me a while to realize talking about it helps but doesn't always work on letting it go. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOURE GOING TO FORGET AND ITLL MAGICALLY DISSAPPEAR. This all took years, effort, and also allowing myself to take breaks, reminding myself that just because I still get nightmares, have triggers etc. Doesn't mean there isn't improvement. And just because there is improvement doesn't mean that what happened is no longer "as bad". It does not invalidate how bad it was. A big thing with any mental health disorders is admitted and allowing yourself to see that you're dealing with something hard. Just because what happened doesn't seem as bad or affect me as much anymore doesn't mean it wasn't a terrible thing, it certainly doesn't mean that if someday I need to breakdown as if it happened yesterday that all that work was for nothing. It was for something. It was to enjoy life a little better, care for myself a little better, be able to have better in all sorts of aspects. You deserve to be happy,loved and cared for after something shitty happened. Because the truth is it was shit. Can you honestly expect someone to go through something insane and be sane? No, so go easy on yourself,  take your time. The right people will be there for you, The right people will show up, The right people will stay and put effort and won't see you as a waste or burden.

I hope this helps anyone even just a tiny bit. If you need someone to talk to, rant or ask for advice etc. Just leave me a msg or an Ask, anon or not. Take care, it's going to be alright. And if it's shitty now, and there's nothing good anyone can say then, it's shit that's fucking shitty and you're allowed to feel like shit. Lastly, if you're not able to fully recover, I'm still proud of you and you should be too.

[dxmedstudent]

So, I'm a med student and I'm currently living and in the same rotation with this absolute GUNNER (Who is also genuinely smart (top of the grade) and hardworking, but is also a snake) and I cannot STAND HER. It's really affecting my mental health negatively. Any tips on how to focus on myself/ stop comparing/ stop letting her take all the opportunities? The doctors LOVE her since she's so sweet, smart and... tall blonde white girl. It sucks for all of us in her rotation and she doesn't care

My commiserations. Placements sometimes have limited possibilities, and it can suck when things aren’t shared equally. And although your seniors probably aren’t judging you half as much as you think, it still feels like you’re being compared. I used to hate placements when it was just the two of us the absolute most, because it felt too much like it would always be ‘the eager one’ and ‘the one who isn’t putting in as much effort’. I’ve been both, and it sucks etiher way. To answer your actual question, it’s hard to completely avoid people, but you can manage how you all interact with the Ms Snakes in your lives. I do hope you’re not in the same house or flat (hospital accommodation, right?), because that sounds like no fun. I’d suggest planning group-wide social events (that way she may be around, but Snakey’s never the only person you’re stuck with. Remember that you have other colleagues. You have friends. And whilst I’d say it’s probably uncalled for to badmouth Snakey to your clinical group (bitching can backfire, and it doesn’t build a nice working environment for anyone, so I’d really advise against it. If you have to say anything about Snakey to your peers, try to keep it to making neutral observations. Observations that perhaps some people are getting more exposure than others, or whatever. You don’t want to make the entire group descend into infighting, and you don’t want to come across as the one obsessed with Snakey to the point that people assume you are rivals in a cartoon series. But when it comes to talking to your friends? Knock yourself out. Blow off as much steam as you want. Let them know how much it’s really bugging you. Naming someone isn’t even relevant, it’s the sheer act of just expressing your frustration that can keep you sane. And don’t forget to give yourself alone time where you don’t need to deal with them. Remember that you have lots of great features, perhaps they just aren’t the same ones as Snakey. It’s easy for all of us to fear that we’re the worst student. That everyone knows more, does better, and is generally destined to be amazing whilst we’re left behind and undeserving of even being there. It’s a common feeling; impostor syndrome is almost ubiquitous in medicine. The secret is that all of us, at some point, feel like we’re not good enough to be here. But like a protagonist in a shonen anime, we keep on taking the punishment and keep fighting through the self-doubt. So trying to limit your exposure to people who rub you up the wrong way can be a really good idea. But there will be times when you have to deal with them, or at the very least have to ensure you don’t totally lose out. But you also don’t want to be rude or confrontational, because that doesn’t usually help things very much.  So here are some of my tips for devious niceness: In terms of work, the thing about Ms (or Mr) Snakes  is this; most people are OK, but a small minority try to sabotage others. So don’t give them the chance. Your consultants/seniors/FY1s will usually want one peson to be the ‘contact’ for the group; don’t let that be Mr Snakey, if you can avoid it. I’ve had friends being told completely the wrong time/venue for teaching by the snakes in their group. So instead of letting them have all the power, or hog information, kindly suggest that it might spare Snakey (or the docs) the effort of contacting you all  individually if the senior or FY1 just puts all of you in a whatsapp group (or you could even make it, if you wish) so that relevant info like teaching times etc can be shared. On the plus side this also makes it a bit easier to let people know if things are cancelled, running late etc.  This prevents them from telling you one time/date etc and telling everyone else another. Or keeping things to themselves. This important because the junior docs supervising you don’t really want to be remembering who’s done what; they have more important things to worry about, like patients not dying.  They don’t really care if one student took slightly more opportunities than the others. It’s not that we don’t hate unfairness (everyone hates Snakes), but unless something major is going on, we’re usually too distracted for it to trigger our radar. So work with what you have. Anything that makes their life more easy will be readily accepted. Make their life easy. A little bit of planning and chatting with your peers can go a long way. It sounds like your placement doesn’t have rigid timetables. I’ve noticed they usually work better when people know where they should be, and if I have been on a placement which sort of says ‘well, just turn up to clinic or ward, IDC, you can be the one to add structure. If there’s a problem with making sure that you all get to clinic, or clerking etc because she (or someone else) is always hogging clinic, because they are always there first, politely draw out a timetable (Microsoft excel is a wonderful thing)  and suggest to the group (perhaps even in front of the seniors responsible for you) that everyone gets a chance. I find this quite useful even when there isn’t a problem with specific people, just because there are often more students than opportunities, so if you don’t plan out where you will all be, then you’ll forever be turning up to find 5 people at the same clinic, etc. If you’re worried about a little snakey sabotage, you can always be sneaky and mention your idea to the rest of the group first, so that by the time it has to be mentioned to Ms Snake. You can’t really draw up a timetable for cannulas or procedures. They just sort of happen when they happen. But you can ask the juniors for more opportunities. You can try to put yourself forward whenever an opportunity arises. Snakey can’t take them all! It might mean asking around more, but your seniors will respond you your making an extra effort. It’s pretty difficult to put yourself forward for things, but it gets easier with time. And sometimes it really is the best way to get opportunities. Another thing is a bit of team work. Some of your colleagues will be really shy. But you can speak up for them, even if it’s hard to speak up for yourself. Sometimes it’s easier to say “Um, Charlotte hasn’t had a chance to do a cannula/take a history yet, I wonder if she’d like to try” might help. Or a loud “Ah, Kiranpreet, weren’t you saying you really need to get an ABG signed off?” can be great.  Within a group, you pretty much all know how well you are all doing on getting your competencies signed off, and actually a bit of team spirit rather than ‘me me me’ helps. By working with the group, you in turn encourage others to work with you, and anyone who doesn’t play along in the spirit of friendship would start to look much more odd. Mos people do this just because they are nice; you’ll probably have helped your colleagues lots of times without really having an ulterior motive. But here you’ve got an added extra; if everyone plays nice, then putting yourself forward for everything begins to look a lot less… acceptable. And that’s what you all want; playing fair to be the done thing. If you were feeling really bold, you could even go a step further and just say “Ah, Snakey McSnake, I think you picked up last cannula?” when they offer to do their umpteenth procedure in a row whilst the rest of you are twiddling your fingers. That’s a bit riskier (and cattier) but it might be all in the delivery. Say it innocently enough, like it’s a statement, not an accusation. After all, part of the problem is that you and your colleagues are a bit too polite to put yourselfves forward. The aim here isn’t to pick a fight, so it’s only something you can really do if you can keep your cool. It needs to be effortlessly casual, almost as if you don’t really care. Of course, most of us aren’t Oscar winning actors who can pull something off like that. If you really thought that the person would be receptive to it, you might even consider something radical like having a chat with them. Perhaps they don’t even realise they are grabbing all the opportunities, and perhaps they don’t realise they are a bit too overeager to answer all the questions. Not everyone who is irritating is necessarily out to make others look bad; I’ve known people who pretty much look and act like gunners (perhaps they are really socially inept), but when you speak to them as individuals, they end up being a lot less… nasty than you expected. In fact, they were nicer than plenty of other students. I just don’t think they’d really realised how their keeness came off.  Sometimes talking helps, sometimes it doesn’t. But I don’t feel any answer would be complete without the suggestion that you try to deal with it like grownups. Unfortunately, sometimes handling it the grownup way isn’t possible.I hope this helps! Finally, there’s one thing to remember. This too shall pass. You really won’t be stuck with them forever, or even for very long. You’ll get plenty of chances to work alongside people who understand the meaning of teamwork. I really hope this doesn’t ruin the med school experience for you. Most people aren’t Snakes after all. Hope it works out for the better!

[paosiopao]

Blog entry: July 16, 2018

Monday 03:07am

"Why aren’t you reacting normally to death?

Why you're not feeling it like everyone else is?"

I was asked this question multiple times already and last night with Tatay and thought is would make a good blog.

I think it's because I'm one of those people who seems to feel almost nothing after the death of someone close it can be easy to worry that I'm aren’t behaving as I'm supposed to, or I'm aren’t dealing with it, or that I'm ‘cold’ – the word used to describe by many people who asked me this question.

I’ve written quite a bit before on why I shouldn’t set certain expectations of what I'm experience looks and feels like and not to feel guilty about any of the way I am feeling, but I’d like to touch specifically upon this particular feeling – this numbness. It’s not denial or disbelief – there is almost a quiet acceptance in it. And it’s not that I necessarily feel fine about it….it’s more that I aren’t really feeling anything.

And at this time one of people’s biggest worries for me is

a) that I'm aren’t behaving as I should and

b) that maybe I'm aren’t dealing with what has happened.

So let’s talk about that…

What should I be feeling?

I won’t write a lot here. What I will reiterate though is that anything I'm feeling or not feeling is fine. I don’t care what you’ve read, heard, or been told – there are no rules, no required process or pattern that I must follow. What I feel is what I feel. Try not to judge and decide what I should be feeling or what would be a better or more appropriate way to feel.

So why do I feel numb?

According to my GP. One of the symptoms of unprocessed grief and one of the common symptoms or reactions to trauma is emotional numbing. Often after experiencing or witnessing something tragic we become emotionally numb as a way of protecting our conscious mind from the pain of that raw experience. This emotional numbing is often closely linked with denial, becoming armored, and cutting off parts of ourselves or parts of our feelings so that we don’t have to experience the depth of the pain. It’s emotionally satisfying, and satisfying to our egos, and our self-esteem to think that we are so tough that witnessing pain, experiencing pain, and causing pain don’t affect us.

It is mental separation or barrier between me and my trauma. It's a natural defence mechanism of the mind that we seem to have in common with a number of other species. Its evolutionary purpose (i.e.,the "survival advantage" it confers) is to let us keep going when a catastrophic injury we've sustained, be it physical or emotional, would defeat us if we fully experienced it in the moment. It happens to soldiers in combat, it happens to accident victims, it happens to people who have been profoundly betrayed by abuse, abandonment, or deception, and it happens when we suddenly lose the people most dear to us to death.

It doesn't happen in every case, but it happens often enough to be well within the bounds of "normal."

The first thing to know is…don’t worry that I'm aren’t dealing with this. My mind is working on it. If you worry that i'm aren’t grieving or ‘letting it out’ – there is probably another outlet that i'm doing, even if not a big or obvious one. I might be getting angry or upset about other, seemingly unrelated things instead. I will be letting it out – maybe just in little ways. My numbness is often just a bit of a bubble protecting me from trying to get my head around too much too soon. And though I don’t want to stay in this bubble too long, for now it can be incredibly useful. If it wasn’t helping me out right now I wouldn’t be doing it.

So in answer to “why aren’t I reacting normally to this death” the answer is……I am. I'm just doing it in a different way and in a way that suits me far better for now.

05:34pm

Tita Mabu invited us to Palms Country Club

Ibang level of stress ang dulot nitong si Migs eh. Depressed din ko ngayon please wag niya na dagdagan stress ko ngayon nahihirapan ako to act calm when he’s around (potek) I don’t want him to feel bad because I can totally see na he’s a sad person. I don’t know I just know it or may because having mental illness or any mental disorder for that matter makes you see the world in a different way. I notice things that normal people can’t. Like the emptiness in their eyes, the way they smile doesn’t reach their eyes, the anxiousness the feel when they interact in front of others. Just the little things that most people would look over but I notice. Because they’re just like me.

Kaya here I am pinag-mumukha ko sarili kong busy para di niya ako kausapin kasi I don’t want him to feel bad but I’m bad at it coz damn I’m pretty obvious that I don’t want to talk to him (maygawd) I even asked Kenzo to call me every 15mins so I can escape.

06:02pm

Lol ngayon ko lang nakita yung text message ni Tatay. Kausapin ko daw si Migs!! (Mukha ba kaming close tay!!)

Buti na lang ngayon ko lang nakita kundi magkaka-panic attacks ako!

09:34pm

I actually like Tita Mabu.

I feel like she’s like me. Yung tipong ang super powers niya is pagiging observant. I don’t know she also noticed na malungkot si Migs. Now I feel bad kasi I know how it feels like to suffer.

Also biglang na-shift ang kwento about my mental health. I told them I was doing better, I told them I was doing great and for a moment I almost believed myself. That all it takes is one beautiful smile to hide my injured soul, how I’m slowly fading away falling apart right in front of their eyes, how they will never notice how broken I really am.

I guess, there comes a point where talking about it doesn't make you feel better anymore. You just live with your mouth closed and your walls up and your heart hidden. I don’t really want to talk about it. Now that I’m certain na I’m beyond help. Wala na akong magagawa about it…tanggap ko na...

Tanggap ko na that this darkness will be an inevitable part of me.

But at the same time I also feel bad because I can feel that they’re genuinely do care for me. So many people have told me that I need to open up but not a single person understands that every time I pry apart my rib cage, releasing all my butterflies that have been hiding there for years. 

I’m too afraid that every person I let in..in my life, something bad always happens and I end up miserable again. It’s like you’re constantly getting your hopes up, only to be disappointed every single damn time, to the point where you just learn to never get your hopes up again for anything. I am so used to the disappointment and sadness, so that’s what I become used to and afraid to be anything but that because it’s a terrible feeling to feel so good, only to sink back so low. So I stay that way, so I won’t have to go through the pain all over again. 

[m0th-punk]

This is something that's been on my mind for a long time. Long ramble under the cut

TL;DR: Grazer-razor has some of the worst black and white mentality I've ever seen and I can tell he has never critically examined his biases a day in his life.

Because I'm a terrible little gremlin who can't leave well enough alone, I've been reading these posts

Ignoring the absolute stupidity of these statements (I'm pretty sure the lack of rainbow logos is because in many middle eastern countries, homosexuality is a crime and these companies just want to make money. But I'mnot going into the nuances and implications of rainbow capitalism today.), something stood out to me.

Does Grazer... genuinely think nobody has ever criticized the Muslim faith? That we all ignore the homophobia present within the religion just because they're a minority? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've seen even some of the most staunch leftists criticize things like their horrible treatment of homosexuality or the rampant sexism often sanctioned by radicals. Even other Muslims, especially women and lgbt+ Muslims, have been critical of these things.

It wouldn't shock me if Grazer believedthat anyone who supports Muslims believes they can do no wrong. After all, he thinks any criticism of Christianity is hatred, and dismisses any harmful things Christians do as not being "real" Christianity in a classic case of the "No True Scotsman" fallacy.

Note how he didn't even respond to the first asks comments, just accused them of being me (because obviously any time someone sees his blog it's all my fault /s)

So it seems like in Grazer's mind, there are only two options when it comes to religion: Uncritically praise and defend everything a religion does no matter how heinous it is and justify it because it's done in a God's name, or condemn anyone who practices it as hateful terrorists. Because he doesn't see people doing the former for Christians, he automatically assumes that they're doing the latter, and vice versa for Muslims.

Also note how he gets mad when muslim faith is "respected" (again, homosexuality is criminalized in many of these areas) but then demands a secular children's show cater to his religion for the sake of his precious childhood.

(Also, can we just talk about the absolute fucking cruelty in this answer? There are people out there that had their childhoods ruined by abuse, illness, losing loved ones, homelessness, poverty, bullying, near-death experiences, having their countries torn apart by war, a shitty foster care system, teen pregnancies, and so many other things that can absolutely destroy a life.  Grazer's was ruined by…  *checks notes* a cartoon character supporting gay rights and a drag queen singing a cutesy children's song.  So yeah, if that's the worst part of his childhood he's pretty damn lucky, and the fact that he has the gall to still complain absolutely makes him selfish and ignorant. It's disrespectful, plain and simple, and if he were truly a good Christian he'd have some compassion.)

Okay, so Grazer has some weird "rules for me but not for thee" shit when it comes to religion. This isn't news. Where am I going with this?

Well, turns out he has this opinion about more than just religion. Know how I know this? His response to ESRB ratings and trigger warnings.

So it seems like Grazer sees the ESRB as some sort of moral compass, in a way. Something being rated E or E10 means it's pure and good and wholly unproblematic, while anything higher means it's evil and disgusting and he can't even look at it.

This is further confirmed by this post, where he flat-out states he sees the ESRB as deeming what things are and are not morally acceptable.

Now Grazer, I'm gonna explain this as best as I can, because it seems like you don't quite understand this. Read very carefully.

This is not the purpose of the ESRB rating system.

I repeat, this is NOT the purpose of the ESRB rating system.

The ESRB does not decide on what is and is not morally correct. It simply says "This game contains these topics, and as such is most suitable for people in this age group.". That's it. It's a guideline, not a rule.

Let's take cartoon violence, for instance. It's a very common warning the ESRB puts on games. Almost every game from Mario to Sonic to Crash Bandicoot and even Monster Tale has this warning. These games are all rated E for everyone. Does this mean those games are promoting violence to children, or claiming things like Bowser kidnapping Peach or Pinstripe trying to gun down Crash are perfectly okay and morally correct? Of course not. It's simply saying that these games contain mild, non-graphic violence, but most children should be able to handle seeing it.

On the other side of the coin, let's take a look at the warnings for nudity and sexual themes. Most games that contain these topics are rated T at the lowest and AO at the highest. This obviously isn't saying that nudity and sex are inherently bad or evil. All it's saying is that these topics are best handled by adults (And, regardless of morality, it is illegal to distribute sexual content to minors unless it's meant to be educational, like a health class textbook).

A few extra points:

. Games can be rated different things in different countries. Different countries have different regulations. Do you know why the blood in Danganronpa is pink? It's because in Japan, games with excessive amounts of blood and gore are given a Z rating (Japan's equivalent to an AO rating). They got around this by making the blood pink, securing the game its desired M rating. Meanwhile here in America, Mortal Kombat is allowed to show as many graphic, brutal deaths as it wants and still receive an M rating.

. ESRB ratings are not legally enforceable. I was so convinced as a 16 year old that the employees at gamestop would try to card me or something when I was picking up a copy of Bayonetta, and I was surprised when they simply rang me up in two seconds, no questions asked. It doesn't happen. For fuck's sake, one of the first games I ever played, at the tender age of four, was Soul Edge. A T rated game. The only instance ESRB ratings are legally enforced is in the case of AO ratings, as these games often contain incredibly graphic violenceor sexual content. If this outrage is coming from the idea that certain ratings will keep younger people from playing these games from a legal standpoint, don't worry. A nine year old is not gonna get arrested for playing Among Us. Just don't buy them GTA San Andreas or Leisure Suit Larry and everything will be fine.

. No two consumers are exactly alike. While one 13 year old may be perfectly fine with the jumpscares in Amnesia, another may be too scared to even go near the piano in Super Mario 64. That doesn't mean either of these games is rated incorrectly. The ESRB is there, once again, as a recommendation for the average consumer, and doesn't take individual experience into account. An individual experience is not their responsibility. It's also on parents (or you yourself!) To decide what the consumer can or can't handle.

"But Haley," I hear you say, "What if this piece of media DOES contain something morally bad?"

Well it's simple. You are allowed to like things AND still criticize the bad parts of it.

Hold on now, I'm not telling you that it's perfectly alright to enjoy things like Birth of a Nation or anything like that! Contrary to popular belief, there are some pieces of media that are truly too steeped in hatred and morally reprehensible things to be supported, even through a critical lense. The only merit things like that have is to serve as a warning: This is a terrible thing made for terrible reasons, and we should not allow it to happen again.

But outside of those rare circumstances, it's not so cut and dry.

Let's take a piece of media i actually enjoy, for instance, so you know I'm not a hypocrite: Persona 5.

Persona 5 is easily one of my favorite games in the Persona series. It does a lot of interesting stuff, the artstyle and soundtrack are (in my opinion) the best in the series, and overall it's very enjoyable for me.

But, like anything, it's not perfect. I'm incredibly uncomfortable with the hypocrisy the game has in regards to the sexualization of teenagers. While Kamoshida is rightfully condemned for his sexualization of teenage girls and Ann's persona awakening comes from rejecting this objectification, the game and story undermine it by not only putting Ann in a sexually revealing outfit, but also making light of Ryuji's sexual harassment by adult men (Allegedly Persona 5 Royal tries to fix this by making the men drag enthusiasts who think Ryuji would look good in drag and giving them more sympathetic personalities, but it's still really weird and hypocritical of the game to do this.). The teenage protagonist is also allowed the option to date adult women, including his teacher, and the game rarely if ever touches on the problems with this.

The game's homophobia also left a bad taste in my mouth. Aside from the aforementioned men who sexually harass Ryuji, the only other canon LGBT+ character is a bar owner who is either a drag queen or a trans woman (or both?). Sure, she's portrayed as being kind and protective of the protagonist, but there isn't much room to interact with her or learn more about her. On top of that, not only can the protagonist not romantically pursue his male friends (A feature that even the SECOND persona game had), he's not even allowed to give them gifts or platonically show affection towards them without the dialogue mocking him. The game that allows a teenage boy to date his teacher won't allow him to simply give his male friends a present.

And yet, despite those criticisms, I do still enjoy the game. I don't consider the game irredeemable garbage based on those poorly handled topics alone. And I also understand that for some people, those topics make them so uncomfortable that they don't want to play the game at all, and I completely respect that.

Criticizing the things you enjoy is not only normal, it's oftentimes healthy. Being able to step back and say "I like this thing, but I don't like the bad things it's done. This thing would be better if these issues were fixed." Sure, sometimes some people tend to complain a bit too much about the media they supposedly enjoy, but for the most part being able to acknowledge the bad with the good is a good skill to have.

Oh, wait, all of this means nothing because Grazer thinks that critically enjoying things is nothing more than an excuse to consume media he doesn't personally agree with. Okay then.

So if he can't even realize something as simple as "it's okay to criticize some parts of media that you otherwise enjoy", how can he be expected to look critically at a religion that he's been raised in and around all his life?

Soooo yeah, Grazer has some serious problems with black and white thinking that he refuses to acknowledge, further worsened by the fact that he's practically been brainwashed into believing that Christianity is the ultimate moral compass that everyone should follow. I understand that this tends to be an issue for neurodivergent people, but it's not an excuse for the actions he does that are related to these things (sending death threats to the ESRB, antagonizing others, etc.