#and I’m very grateful

[goldkirk]

March 13, 2018

TW: PTSD episodes, traumatic memories, dissociation, death, murder, natural disasters etc etc frankly there’s just a lot. This whole thing was a vent I think I wrote while avoiding sleep. You don’t need to read this, I’m just posting it here as more evidence in my collection of how the past used to be for me. I’m okay about this now, and I’m just posting it for reference. Please don’t read this if it might be triggering for you. It’s very first-person and fast-paced.

Poem:

I launch awake in sweat, I am

sweat, my sheets are sweat, my blankets are sweat, I am soaked head to toe with hot sweat and my blankets are chaining me and I do not know

who I am and all I know is confusion and fear and I have vaulted out of the bed and onto my face before I even know that I am awake.

I have no idea who I am or where I am, it's dark,

and I don't know what is happening, I stumble into my wall

and I am hot.

I am suddenly up the basement stairs and tripping over the living room couch on my way to nowhere, I don't know where I am, I don't know who I am. All I know is I'm somehow awake, I am moving, and I feel like the world has ended and everything has crashed down around me in ruin and I feel

like I am not alive.

My mind is trying to piece together what I am, what has happened, what time is it where am I, I'm at home, oh,

there's my mom, there's my dad.

I don't remember anything I don't know what happened why does this all feel so wrong?

I think I died

while in my dream.

That is

the only explanation I can find for how I feel, to wake up like this,

I feel

like I did not exist. I had blinked out. There was terror and I

did not even know my own name for the first minute after waking up,

I didn't realize I was alive for seven awful seconds and

it must be hours after I went to bed right, oh lord God please what is happening to me it's

1:27 in the morning.

this hasn't happened since Junior year of high school when I

was a camp counselor,

when I was in a sleeping bag at night in

someone else's living room with all my peers and

was woken up for the night vigil shift I'd signed up for and didn't know my name.

I didn't know I existed I didn't know I wasn't floating in a void

suddenly things were real and I was trying to catch up with whatever the hell just happened and somehow

I'm expected to form coherent sentences to

reassure the 16 year old next to me that

no I'm fine. I don't need an ambulance, I just

maybe need my soul to come back to my body?

Can you tell me please, who am I.

I launch awake from a dream

I can't remember, but in it I die.

It's not as terrifying as my lucid dreams of

that one genocide that lasts

the whole night. or that

time where I watch my nephews and nieces get

shot one by one and I can't help,

And I watch my family die and

I can't stop the train crash or

the volcano or the pain

and I watch everyone I cannot save

die a thousand times this year but

at least when I wake up I know my own name.

Sometimes,

I die in my dreams, but it's not pretty,

its not poetic I don't know what I can say about it, it's just, I'm gone. I wake up

and don't remember I'm alive.

I don't know what my point is

in this poem. I mostly need to scream.

I just

forgot what it was like to die in my sleep, I guess,

and I wish I could remember, just

once, how it happened.

[itsscaredycat]

ah yes…

my thoughts under the cut (turned out to be longer than initially intended lol)

honestly, kinda mixed feelings :’)

it’s great that the fandom is making a comeback because gravity falls is seriously an amazing piece of media, and all the offshoots that came from the main series are equally incredible. it deserves this second wave of attention and more! still one of my favourites, all the mysteries and secret codes back in the day changed my brain chemistry lmao

as far as personal feelings go, i can’t believe the amount of people i’ve had tell me that i inspired them in some way to be an artist through my old gravity falls art, it’s amazing! and i am so flattered and happy that i could have that kind of positive influence on people. art is my passion and knowing i had a hand in making it other people’s as well is a really cool feeling :’) i read every single message i get in my askbox and some of them have made me legitimately emotional (in a good way)

but then on the opposite side, there are a lot of people— most of whom i have never interacted with— who have a fully formed opinion on me based on actions of mine that are almost a decade old. just knowing that has been crippling, i’m ND and i’ve always struggled with anxiety issues surrounding how others think of me. it feels kinda hopeless and scary, because there is no way my current actions and the ways i’ve changed will ever reach all of them. but i’m only human, all i can do is focus on the positive and keep being kind in both my offline and online lives, and hope it comes back around

the shy part of me wishes i was just another person in the fandom so that i could share my art without fear of hateful comments, but also having made enough of an impact that something i made got acknowledged in “canon” is hilarious and pretty fucking cool (shoutout to @valdevia LOL) i’m just gonna keep doing what i’ve always done: make art because it makes me happy, and share it in hopes it will make others happy too 🩷

[lazylittledragon]

being a tboy with a skincare routine is just. every day i wake up and put on the Slime. and then the other Slime. and the first Slime means you need more of the second Slime. i could kill sisyphus

[raplinenthusiasts]

master of flirting

for @jinstronaut 😘

{cr. namuspromised}

[the-ratt-king]

so I was doing this lil TikTok thing for fun

And like every thing was pretty normal (mostly interesting portraits of people which makes sense as I primarily use the site to find art references) until I typed in the last one (I’m aroace so I was particularly interested on what assumptions the internet has made about me) when it showed me two very aesthetic people and-

And yeah… can’t argue with that one. You May Not Like It, but This Is What Peak Performance Looks Like:

[ladyofthevalley]

People who don’t understand the Arya and Sansa sibling bond obviously didn’t have WWE style brawls in the middle of the living room floor with their sibling.

You can hate each other, say heinous things, full on battle until first blood.

But you’re still siblings,

all the Arya-antis and Sansa-antis are placing too much weight on the events of kings landing.

[slyvester101]

Caboose and Wash bonding over their head trauma.

Caboose and Wash sharing tips on how they remember things and keep track of dates and names and where they are versus where they’re supposed to be.

Caboose and Wash both being at risk/susceptible to seizures due to their head trauma, so all the sim troopers have to learn how to help them through it.

Caboose and Wash having panic attacks because they can’t remember an important detail about their lives (they should know this they should know this they should know this why don’t they know this?)

Caboose and Wash both being able to remember Tucker’s name. Always. First try. Easiest thing to remember. (Tucker being scared of the day they don’t.)

Caboose and Wash hating the giant gaps in their memory, so they spend a lot of time trying to fill it.

Caboose and Wash sharing stories all the time because they don’t want to forget…

What were we talking about again?

[rennyrose]

Didn’t realize what day it was until it was almost too late (Aside from Easter haha)

[notherpuppet]

Tagged by @az-roser this was fun! Thanks!

LAST SONG: Feel Special by TWICE

FAVORITE COLOR: Red ♥️💋🌹🍷❌🥀🍒💄🩸

CURRENTLY WATCHING: kpop music videos and video essays about solving the housing crisis in the USA. LOL I have to balance my brain

LAST MOVIE: I rewatched Final Destination 2, ahh that series is SO good but I’m literally hyperventilating the whole time i watch it! It’s great

CURRENTLY READING: Hazbin fanworks from Japan (thank you to the artists and Google translate). Many works are sold out, but I’ll link the artists under the cut.

All of Meguru Hinoharu’s work (My favorite is Kamisama no Uruko aka The Dragon’s Betrothed)

Also The Smithsonian magazine, it’s a great magazine 🥰

SWEET, SPICY OR SAVORY: All, every single day. But I am most enchanted by sweetness 🍫

RELATIONSHIP: not for me! 💚🤍🩶🖤

CURRENT OBSESSION: Hazbin Hotel ofc. Also TWICE, Beyonce, and Pokémon

LAST GOOGLED: “reusable mop” LOL I’m very eager to change the way I clean my floors. I’m trying to find the cheat code to a trifecta of convenience, environmentally-friendliness, and effectiveness. But I may just have to continue the classic way 🥴 isn’t life an exciting adventure? 🧼

CURRENTLY WORKING ON: “Morning After” part 4/4 and the concept for a new AU!? (Genderbent, human)

Hazbin mangaka whose works I am reading. Many are sold out, 18+, and/or freakayyy. So investigate with discretion. Twitter profiles of artists linked

- Marriage in Blue by Mr_Poorness

- Goodbye Ol’ Pal!! by kmsuzu

- Bomb Born Bon!! by kagimaruchisuke

- Stay Tuned by yomunow

- As You Wish, Voxy by ruriruko25

- Hello Bambi by yamiji84dp

- Miracle S*x Toy by usanoxp

- tmain04’s books

- some huskerdust fan books but neither have profiles I can find 😵‍💫

I bought all these on toranoana

[saetoru]

something that’s always been funny to me is that long fics with smut tend to do better than long fics without but it’s like. if you write a longggg 10k+ word fic with a build up and plot and sprinkle in smut at the end, people will read that long build up and pay attention to the plot in order to get to the smut. and 99% of the time the tags and comments will talk about the plot itself and the way it was written as opposed to the sex and they will ask for more or for part 2’s and as annoying as the part 2 comments can be sometimes, it also means that they focused on the plot and not the smut. but if you post that fic without the smut—as in same fic and same build up and everything, but the smuts not there, a lot of those same people will simply not give the fic a chance. it’s just funny to me bc yes, a part of it is just horniness, but also i think it’s partly that there is also some conditioning to believe that a “perfect romance” or a “perfect story” of a romance is sealed with intimacy that’s more often than not sexual in order to actually be valid. and yeah. idk. it’s an interesting thing to see from a writers perspective

[w1lmuttart]

Insane how much my lake town painting blew up over the course of a few days

Thank you all for 3k followers! It feels unreal and I’m frankly a bit overwhelmed lmao 😳 but I’m also even more motivated to keep painting and share them. I hope y’all will enjoy my future works 💖

[arianwyn-art]

my school has a wolfstar variant couple in the senior grade and thank GOD for that because the queer representation at our school is really lacking but they are SO CUTE

the remus variant is semi tall and brunette and i’ve never ever seen him talk to really anyone

and the sirius variant is on the school spirit committee and is semi short with longish black hair and i’ve never seen him in anything other than shorts regardless of the weather

it’s so perfect and i smile every time i see them

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

writing at literally anytime during the day:

writing after 11:30pm:

[gentlebeard]

Wake up in the morning feelin’ like Stede Bonnet // The party still won't stop on The Revenge

For @bizarrelittlemew 💕 Show: Our Flag Means Death - Season 2 Music: TiK Tok by Kesha YouTube || Season 1 Version

[niccoguedes]

Adoração dos Pastores com um Doador

c.1520–1525

[misc-obeyme]

I’m home now and I’m happy to report that my house is okay. There were some flooded streets in my town but my house had no flooding and no damage that I could see. Just a mess from debris. But otherwise everything is okay!

I will probably post the next chapter of Unchained tomorrow! And I’ll get back to my regular posting & ask answering. Thank you to everyone who expressed concern, it was scary, but everything turned out all right.