#and I’m not coming to terms with it because I physically can’t allow myself to fall apart right now

[geryone]

Gotta say that this week is turning out to be fucking awful & it can literally only get worse

[spaceracers]

Brand New Perspective

From @paramoreblr's 15 Years of Brand New Eyes: We're Just Getting Started

Full essay below the cut.

“I could follow you to the beginning, just to relive the start. Maybe then we’d remember to slow down at all of our favorite parts.”

When I think of Brand New Eyes, I think of childhood. I think of getting on the school bus every morning, long before the sun would rise, I think of how freezing cold and dark it was, and I think of Hayley singing to me while I watched the day begin. I think of drawing butterflies on all of my assignments, I think of composition notebooks, No. 2 pencils with the erasers torn off, sticker sheets from the dollar store, and saving up for my first (and only) guitar. I think of how “Brick By Boring Brick” made me want to learn how to play bass in middle school and I think of listening to “Where the Lines Overlap” while getting ready for the day in high school. I think of my friend asking me what she should listen to while walking to class and me telling her to listen to Paramore, because, and I quote, “they’re the greatest band in the world.”

In many ways, Brand New Eyes is a contradiction–I once said that it’s about “being afraid of yourself yet reveling in your power,” and I stand by that completely. That record is, for all intents and purposes, about growing up. It’s about looking back on your past and accepting it as part of you, it’s about letting go of fears and allowing yourself to love, it’s about finding faith in the world around you, even if it’s not the kind of faith you expected to have–even if it’s just faith in yourself. 

One night, at 12:27 a.m. during my sophomore year of high school and the throes of the COVID-19 pandemic, I wrote this in one of my diaries:

“i imagine a better life for myself. a life where i can listen to the songs i’m listening to now and watch the films i want to watch and play them on the tv and laugh at bad sitcom jokes with my friends. a life where i can listen to misguided ghosts and relate not because i feel lost and misguided, but because i have come to terms with how large the world is and that i now have access to it all. one where i can wake up and feel completely, utterly, and wholeheartedly free. no constraints. no closet. no barrier. no glass.”

In that moment, which I can only imagine as being dark both mentally and physically, I needed hope. I needed comfort, familiarity, and most of all, perspective. So I turned to Brand New Eyes–I turned to Paramore, to “Misguided Ghosts,” a song that I knew inside and out, a song that, in the personification of my hopes and fears, had acted as a spine to all of my mistrust in the world, all of my hope and faith. In the ballad, the narrator asks for someone to run to, someone they can rely on when they can’t trust the world around them. My someone is Paramore; my someone is Brand New Eyes.

As I sit here writing this, I’m finding myself coming back to so many moments throughout my life accented with Paramore–so many images in motion, standstills and crossroads–moments where I came back to Brand New Eyes, the freedom it allowed me to feel, the anger it allowed me to express, the fear it allowed me to have, and I come back with more gratitude than I know what to do with; more gratitude than a simple essay written in-between homework assignments and studying for midterms allows me to truly convey. There is no shortage of love for this record among Paramore fans, and that’s for good reason. It grew with us–just like Paramore themselves did.

Every year on New Years Eve, I play a song and snap a chocolate bar in half as the clock strikes twelve. I spend days and days ruminating on what song it should be, and more specifically, which part of it. It’s become an omen of sorts, a way to welcome the new year with a specific intention and mindset. 2023 was one of the most difficult years of my life, so I knew that 2024 had to be better–it had to be. And so in accordance, I chose a song that fit my faith in a brighter future: the encore at the end of “Looking Up.” 

The choice still hasn’t let me down. Even now, fifteen years after the album’s release, Brand New Eyes finds new ways to bring me hope, comfort, and most importantly, perspective.

God knows the world doesn’t need another band, but what a waste it would’ve been.

[theskeptileptic]

my dream peter parker/batfam fanfic would be like a borscht of all the best tropes from ao3 with these seasonings:

au divergence after end game. but instead of tony snapping, peter snaps. he’s dead, he’s died, except maybe the stones hear his last wish as “keep them safe” and interprets it broadly to mean him too—so they yeet him to the dc universe.

but he’s not magically healed. so his arm/side is charred and damaged and his healing is taking care of brain damage but only the worst of it. boy’s got amnesia and a paralyzed arm and landed, let’s say, exactly where the NY battle against Thanos was being held but in this universe, that happens to be a Bristol skatepark at eleven-thirty at night

where a sixteen year-old tim drake is angsting pretty hard and struggling with his own recovery post a Rogue smack down that has left him with some newly acquired, long-term physical disabilities

(and tim, who has convinced the batfam that he has an uncle to care for him, is also dealing with all the juicy unreliable narrator tropes these orphan boys seem to acquire like pokémon cards—he doesn’t think he’s part of the family, he can’t be useful anymore, he’s stepping back to give jason and damian space)

(and let’s say, bruce is also missing because, it’s my story, so dick hasn’t been able to look into the uncle thing because he’s dealing with becoming a dad to an angsty 12 year-old assassin kid who is threatening to run back to Ra’s but is also clearly in need of love)

(and let’s also say, jason is trying hard but isn’t talking to dick right now because he thinks tim shouldn’t have been allowed to fight the rogues in the first place, so he’s unreachable for the moment)

but now tim is staring at this boy who has popped up in his old skatepark and has to give first aid but can’t because of his own difficulties

so he calls jason who answers because it’s tim and tim was really hurt, and tim freaks out and jason comes and they call an ambulance for the boy

peter is unconscious but opens his eyes when the ambulance gets to the park. tim is talking softly to him and peter reaches out because tim reminds him of ned.

peter’s sticky powers mean tim has to come to the hospital with him because when peter fainted again, he was still attached to tim’s hand

“who is the boy?” “how did he get so hurt?” ask the hospital, cps, gcpd. so they take fingerprints and blood and dna and low and behold, a match.

because it’s my story

and i’m a genie

granting wishes to myself

and i’m a glutton

and i will die choking on my own sweet, sugary fluff

dick grayson is the father. (because richard parker is richard grayson is my kryptonite) jason realizes his brother will need some major help, so they reunite over this news.

tim sticks around once peter wakes and they all realize peter has amnesia.

“oh, my uncle won’t mind me staying here for a bit. he’s on a business trip.”

(later on in this huge behemoth of a head canon, tim and peter solve the mystery of bruce being lost in time. i’d love to see a red robin au where peter and tim are working together and dick is trying to keep his alternate universe son from spider-manning in front of ra’s.)

lots of angst potential when peter’s memory returns.

potential running away

potential misunderstandings?

alfred is not uncle ben, peter knows this, but sometimes, peter hangs out in the kitchen because alfred will say the same things uncle ben said, just in a better accent

jason and peter bond instantly. damian and peter bond instantly. how does tim handle a kid his age, going through some of the same health, physical challenges, who just seems to have a much easier time getting along with his brothers?

delicious.

[gaypiratebrainrot]

Hey, sorry I hope you don’t mind me messaging you again (prev anon) but I can’t stop thinking about wfu after reading earlier in the week.

So on my second read I actually found myself getting quite cross with Stede and the way he is generally the one escalating the situation in terms of physical contact and then placing the blame for that escalation on Ed? yes, i know Ed is the one who waits for him by the trailer after shooting the kissing scene, but it’s Stede who comes back and actually kisses him? And then Ed’s acceptance of that guilt smacks of someone with self esteem issues allowing someone else to place blame on them where it doesn’t belong.

Like, without Stede driving things forward, the physical intimacy would never have happened imho.

Ed clearly wants that intimacy, so I didn’t find myself too troubled by worries about consent, but I do find myself troubled by Stede being the driving force behind things and then Ed being the one left with that guilt. And god, Ed just seemed so lonely, that really got me.

Sorry, I’m not very good at meta analysis stuff, I tend to react to stories through character/emotions so those are my takeaways.

Anyway it’s been a bit of an emotional double whammy reading your fic and then getting cancellation news this week so I’m off to do a bit more crying (jk, except not really)

Thanks again for your story x

thank you so much for this ask!!! i do not mind at all--in fact, i am quite happy to think about this instead of the many other stressful things in my life right now.

your thoughts are so interesting to me, in that you are not the first person to have this perspective on stede's actions in wfu (in a good way!). in fact, my friend @chaotic-neutral-knitter left very similar thoughts in a wfu comment on their recent re-read, and i've seen the sentiment echoed elsewhere in various responses. and it's such a fascinating take to me because it is different from my own perspective, both as i was writing it, and in the year+ since. i am a staunch believer that my interpretation of the text is equally valid as any reader interpretation--that is, i don't think i have any special authority on a "correct" read as the person who wrote it, so big grain of salt with my thoughts.

i think it's interesting how many readers put the responsibility for that parking lot kiss on stede, when i've always maintained that moment as the moment when ed opens the door to what will eventually unfold between them. it's ed who leans in first to kiss stede in the parking lot. in the kissing scene on set, in the moment after the kiss, ed reads so much into the look on stede's face--that "pretend pretend" paragraph, to me, is ed looking at stede and believing that stede understands ed's desire to be genuine and not acting, and that stede, on some level, is accepting/welcoming of that desire. but i think, in that moment, ed reads stede wrong. i think the idea that ed has genuine desire for stede is an impossible idea for stede right up until the moment when ed leans in to kiss him in the parking lot. and then stede doing his little back and forth after initially saying no there, that's stede wrestling with this brand new conception that ed might actually want him, that ed's desire isn't pretend, or a joke.

to consider stede's pov--this is a man twenty years deep in a heterosexual, monogamous marriage, who, for the first time in his entire life, is realizing he might have these extremely repressed sexual desires, for men generally, and for ed specifically. but ed is, and always has been, his hotter, sexier, more successful, more highly regarded friend, inaccessible to stede as an object of desire beyond stede's repressed sexuality. stede has never had to grapple with his desire for ed in large part because never in a million years did stede think ed would be a sexually or romantically attainable person for him. and then, because of the show, stede gets to find out what it would be like for ed to want him, for ed to kiss him like he wants him, but still, still, for stede it's under the guise of pretend. until the moment in the parking lot when ed leans in. and i think that opens a door for stede that he never, ever thought would be open, and so has absolutely no idea how to not walk through it.

there's no question to me that stede is trying to evade responsibility for his actions, especially in the second half, and him showing up at ed's house in the middle of the night and refusing to leave (even while pretending he has the intention of leaving) is pretty blatantly on him. but i also think there's something to his line about "it's not fair for you to want me back"--in the sense that, ed's beauty and sexual charisma and fame and success and status and the fact that he's technically stede's boss and employer does give ed a certain amount of power over stede, a power ed is not responsible with when he goes for the kiss in the parking lot, and when he makes a pass at him a second time after the party at stede's house. ed is offering something to stede in those moments that he should not offer him if he understands and respects the importance of stede's monogamous marriage, which he textually does. ed knows why he should not come on to stede, and he does it anyway, twice. and i think if ed had never come on to stede, stede would never in a million years have even thought it would be possible for ed to want him the way he does, and would never have taken the actions he does once ed opens the door.

all that being said, yeah, i think stede is a real dick about it and tries to place as much of the blame on ed as possible when stede is quite blatantly the aggressor beginning with the moment he decides to walk to ed's house in the middle of the night without his phone or wedding ring. imo, stede is doing some olympic level denial about what he actually wants, and that's making it extremely difficult for him to be accountable for his actions, and to accept responsibility for his choices. whereas ed is at least somewhat consciously aware that he is choosing to do something he shouldn't when he waits outside stede's trailer for the possible opportunity to kiss stede again, instead of going in and talking it thru, and so he's more readily accountable, and it's easier for him to take the blame.

phew, this was a whole essay lol, but i just happened to have been thinking about it a lot still (and am still stuck in covid quarantine). my condolences that you are having wfu feels at the same time as cancellation feels--but at least our fandom is fighting the good fight to not let the show go without a major push back! thank you again for this ask!!! <3 <3 <3

[prismaticstreams]

How to balance all your interests when you have multiple passions?

I’ve been pondering how to balance all my different passions, interests, and side hustles, as I’m the kind of person who tends to love variety and easily gets excited about new projects. It’s often the completion part that I struggle with! This is a fairly common conundrum for certain personality types, and can also be related to conditions like ADHD. It can be really hard to know how to streamline and simplify things to make it more manageable and less chaotic.

Chronic illness can be a factor here too, as I often start a new project in a high energy period, but then may not have the physical energy to easily complete it. It can be hard to know how to handle this sometimes, as I can’t predict how I’ll feel from day to day or week to week. Sometimes I just have to let something go for a while, and accept that I will come back to it later. I also accept that there’s some projects I will abandon, and I don’t see it as a major problem as long as there’s no financial investment.

So how do you handle this tendency? 

I personally find it’s best to embrace it, and find ways to work around it rather than trying to pigeonhole myself into only one project, passion or interest at a time. However, if you’re trying to make money, earn an income or build a business - and you need to pay the bills with it to survive - then you will probably need to narrow down to one thing at a time for work. You can still allow yourself freedom to explore in your free time, though.

For example, I love borrowing a wide range of books from the library, and reading about a bunch of different topics at once. Switching from one book to another works for me and I find it stimulating. The great thing is that the books all get returned to the library, so they don't create long-term clutter. I also enjoy writing blog posts about a range of different topics, rather than sticking to one particular subject.

Same goes for my art - I have one style that I sell commercially, and then do whatever I want in the rest of my spare time as it captures my fancy. I find creating different IG/Tumblr accounts for particular art styles/niches works well. If it becomes popular and sells it's a cool bonus, but I don't worry too much about it making money. Digital art is great because it doesn't take up storage space, so I'm shifting from doing large pieces on canvas to doing more digital art.

Having said all that, I do have a bunch of blogs and Tumblr accounts floating around on the internet that I've forgotten about and largely abandoned. Same with old creative projects in storage. But it's okay, because I enjoyed exploring that idea/hobby/style for a brief period of time. Sometimes I go back and integrate creative stuff from the past into my current projects (for example, taking an old blog post and updating it for my current blog).

It can become a problem if you waste a lot of money on hobbies you forget about or business ideas that never get off the ground, so I’d recommend finding ways to avoid spending too much money to begin with. Ideally, it’s best to spend no money and find free activities, but obviously this is not always possible. My post about Decluttering My Fantasy Self may be relevant if this is you.

If you're multipassionate, I don't think there's one right or wrong way to manage your interests and hobbies. Some people like to focus intensely on one hobby at a time, then move on to something else. Others enjoy moving between different interests simultaneously to keep them stimulated. I've done both at different times in my life. Emilie Wapnick has a great book about this called How to Be Everything which is more focused on career, but you can apply the same principles to hobbies and side hustles as well.

[papabirdurskeks]

I know I said I wouldn’t do any personal posts, but I feel the need to sort of get this off my chest. It’s not bad news per say, but just... something I need to talk about considering all things.

These last few months have been rather hectic for me, especially for my health. After my first time in the ER, I didn’t think it much to actually affect me mentally, but I realized a bit too late after my second visit that the effect it had on me would be real.

I had been unknowingly sabotaging my own health, keeping myself in high glucose ranges that are very bad mind you for my overall physical health. I have been, in stupider terms, not giving myself the right amount of medication to keep myself going and I paid for that with nearly ruining my kidneys.

Even now as I try to fix things up and it has been doing slightly better, I still have the worst sort of reaction when it comes to maintaining myself in range. Ever since my first visit to the ER for hypoglycemia, I’ve been hit with a sudden bout of fright of even remotely coming close to low glucose ranges, even if they are technically in range and normal. I should be fine. I should know that its okay to be in these ranges and not panic, but I don’t. 

I get panic attacks. I start shaking and crying, freaking out when it drops lower that I go overboard with trying to fix it, then screwing myself later in putting myself in high levels. I stress so much about this I didn’t realize how badly I was putting myself in this situation and yesterday was one of those moments that legit pushed my panic into a full frenzy. Things fixed themselves thankfully, but again another normal to high situation and I am just... Sitting here sort of cursing myself over how I should have just not done what I did and take it with calmer minds. The problem is... I can’t. My mind and body won’t allow me to.

This whole experience has sort of left me with a sort of PSTD (if I can call it that) and any time I try to explain this to anyone at home, I don’t get much of a listening ear to help me out. And it sort of sucks considering when I am literally in the midst of a panic attack, I get yelled at and told how ridiculous I am acting over this. And I guess I get it. I should literally not be afraid of being in good ranges, but the moment I see myself hitting 100 or lower, I just panic. 100 is good, but any lower I flip because I think I am going to fall lower than that and never come back up like last time. I can’t deal with that. It legit scares me. 

Long story short, I’m going to see if any of my doctors can help me out on this better and HOPEFULLY I can figure things out in the long run to better my health mentally and physically. I know it’s sort of ridiculous of me to be saying any of this or acting the way I do, especially putting myself in danger health wise but I just needed to get this off my chest.

I’m definitely going to try to fix things for the better and hopefully, I can find the right solution to all of this.

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream. I thought I had been doing well, but I don’t really think I am anymore or have been. It feels like a short lived phase. I don’t even feel like being negative anymore. I’m just here. I wish everything would be okay. I went to the popular law of assumption accounts on here and it made me feel worse. It reminds me of why I left the community in the first place. 😭 We have all these feelings and they tell us we are doing it wrong and blah blah blah. It just didn’t feel right so I exited off their pages and came here. You are the mother of law of assumption. I feel like you understand the god aspect, but also that we are human.

The last time I sent an anon, I was rejected from UCLA. My spirits were up and all but they’ve been down now. I know I said my mother gave me that motivational text, but it wasn’t motivational at all. Yesterday, I realized that my family truly does make my my soul unrest. I don’t even feel comfortable being the real me around them. The words they say to me, my mom sometimes says some real shit lol but it never motivates me. Being here does not make me feel good. I’ve always never felt at ease around my family. Now that I’ve come to terms with it, I don’t know what to do. They feel like such a brick wall on releasing myself. When they left for vacation yesterday (I didn’t go because I recognized that I never truly enjoy trips with them), I felt so at ease but as they were on their way home and as they arrived, my soul felt low again.

On top of that, I still don’t want to go to UCLA, but I need to. No matter how much I daydream, I don’t want to just smile in my head. I want to get away, you know? If I don’t go to UCLA, I have to stay here. So that sucks. I want to be out of the country, with my ideal career but nothing is working out. This may sound bad, but I am not good enough for anything I desire. It may sound like the normal insecure sob story but it’s actually true for me, not just self sabotage. I’m not great to look at. On the inside and outside it’s just nothing good there. It’s sad but I tried to answer these spiritual questions. Do you know the inner questions that people talk about? They say like “What is something you like about yourself?” “What could you do to get closer to your dream self?” What’s sad is… I couldn’t name a single thing I like. I spent time to think about it and there is nothing. I may be nice to others, but it doesn’t feel good when I can’t even be nice to myself.

I guess I’m just down because everything is just bad and things haven’t changed for years so I don’t know if they ever will. It’s scarier because every single account I used to religiously depend on up here doesn’t have it together either. They gave the greatest advice (I guess). They tell us to just suffer in the 3d but force yourself in the 4d. The thing is, they talk about how they suffer too. So if the advice they give doesn’t work. What will? I don’t resonate with anyone. I just feel stuck and like I will never be relieved. I feel that there is something I’m missing but I just can’t find it. Or it’s just me hoping that there is something I am missing so I don’t give up hope. Financially, mentally, physically everything is……. I have no words to describe it. I know I am the only one who can figure it out, but it’s just nice to tell someone my thoughts. I literally have no friends (which may sound sad but I am not sad about it. I’m not ready to be around people in this state) and my family is not someone I can express myself to. I don’t even believe in the law anymore. I just have hope that maybe one day I can get everything I want.

This will be my last anon message because I guess coming to law of assumption Tumblr every time life sucks isn’t making me any better lol. I truly appreciate you allowing us, anons, in your space. I know it’s not easy having people vent to you and you give advice. You’re a human being living and growing like the rest of us. So a big thank you for your help and advice. Also, I hope your language learning has been going well (I remember you have another account for you learning a new language, I actually saved one of the posts from there. It was helpful). Maybe one day I can learn more languages like you! 🩵

hiiii <3

thank you for that super cute compliment ! hahah honestly, i just stopped following the crowd and started to follow myself, and i encourage everyone else to do the same. the answers will never be on a screen, the truth is the answers come from within you. the thing is we're often just too scared to trust ourselves and follow that feeling, so we choose to believe in what others say. or in my case, maybe what feels right to do you is opposite of what everyone else says is the path, it makes it scary to go off and follow yourself. but that's exactly what i did regardless, and i've never had a moment of regret.

you definitely have to heal your relationship with yourself more than anything else. it's pretty hard to go after what you want, when you're too busy blocking the idea that you're even worth the opportunity of it. we've all been there, but it's up to us to break ourselves free. the way i liked to see it back then was, why do i see myself as this special chosen one that life is *especially* mean to ? why do i think i'm so unique that i'm so horrible while everyone else is worthy ? it's kind of a reverse psychology i guess hahah, but it can be helpful for you to get real with yourself and realize you're actually just like everyone else. worthy and capable, with some hardships of your own to face sure, but certainly not doomed. we all have a life thats full of up and downs, with mental health to worry about or inner struggles. its part of the journey, and the hard pill to swallow is you're not exempt from wonderful outcomes.

i definitely get that, the thing about giving advice on this topic is it's very fulfilling to the ego. it makes you feel better, it provides a lot of attention bc its making everyone else feel better. and no one has to show credentials for any of this, its easy to read about the law and then create content about it without any successes of your own. thats why i just encourage everyone to stop worrying about whatever someone else says and just... literally do you. honestly, thats the truest and easiest way to apply the law. i literally dont do half of what anyone encourages, and yet the miracles don't stop coming. sure, i can tell myself now that i was born under a lucky star. but i'll never forgot the years of never ending pain and anguish i had to go through before i started experiencing a sweet life for myself. following other people's advice never helped. i've always been open about that and i'll never stop being real about this being a journey. not an overnight quick fix.

once again, thank you for your sweet words ! and i totally appreciate that hahah language learning has been really wonderful for me, i seriously love how learning a language also comes with falling in love with another culture and learning so much more about the history and the people. ahhh so lovely ! i know you can definitely do it as well <3

your journey will certainly be a beautiful one, and you can surely experience that life you want, but really you've truly got to start with the relationship involving you and you and you. that needs to be priority #1 ❣️

[solartranslations]

AF2 Vir & Neve Epilogue: Birth

In the distant past, there was once a “witch” who took in a “genius”…

~*Flashback: Harbor*~

Traveler (OG Agata): That’s a nice drawing, young man

Boy (Young Vir): …

Traveler (OG Agata): Are you so hungry you can’t speak?

Traveler (OG Agata): Then allow me to buy your Tarocco

Boy (Young Vir): …This…isn’t…for…sale

Traveler (OG Agata): So you can speak. Did you draw this?

Traveler (OG Agata): I see. Then I’ll hire you. You can be a servant at my home

Traveler (OG Agata): And, you can draw for me

Traveler (OG Agata): It would be a shame for your talents to go to waste

Boy (Young Vir): Who are…?

Agata: I am Agata. An eccentric traveler from the island of Nordia in the Nord archipelago

Agata: And you? Is Regalo your home?

Vir: …Vir… Ingeniosus

Agata: Hahaha!

Agata: “To be born a genius”…in Latin, yes? Your parents must have been well learned

Agata: It’s a splendid name. I like it

Agata: You shall live for me

~*Scene: VF Cabin*~

Yuki: Good morning, dear

Vir: ……Yuki?

Yuki: Yes. What is it?

Vir: Right…I had a dream of the past. One I haven’t seen in a long time

Yuki: …A dream of the past?

Vir: I simply think of it as a memory

Vir: Are you feeling unwell at all, Yuki?

Yuki: No, not at all

~*Flashback: Giappone Street*~

Vir: I have a reason for taking you away from there

Yuki: Yes. You bought me, so you may do as you wish

Vir: Haha. That’s some resolve. I only have one request. Otherwise, you can do as you like

Yuki: Oh…

Vir: Form a contract with me. I’d like for you to contract the Tarocco

Vir: I wonder how to explain this in Giapponese terms…

Vir: Perhaps that you’ll be using the power of demons?

Yuki: Demons?

Vir: It’s a power that only you can use. I searched the whole world to find you

Vir: And I want you to grant my wish

Yuki: That only I can… But I’m not as good as Sumire

Vir: You don’t need to be like her

Vir: Just do what you can

Yuki: …

Vir: If you grant my wish, then I shall also grant yours

Vir: But, it will affect you physically and I can’t say for certain how

—Later—

~*Flashback: Inn*~

Yuki: Vir-sama

Yuki: I want to grant your wish. Please tell me how I can

Vir: Are you sure?

Yuki: Yes… But, I also have a request

Vir: I’ll be happy to grant any you have

Yuki: There’s just one. Please keep me by your side, always

Vir: How modest… You know I’d grant anything you ask

~*End Flashback*~

Yuki: …Vir-sama

Vir: What?

Yuki: Are you still sad…that you lost the Tarocco?

Vir: ……Come here

Vir: This loss is a hole I cannot fill

Vir: So much so, that the suffering I caused Dante and her was far from enough

Vir: Even I’m surprised that I still hold such anger in me

Vir: But…

Vir: Now that I think about it, it may be because my ties and delusions towards the Agata of the past have gone up in smoke

Vir: The purpose of this ship is to free and purify myself of the Tarocco. I wouldn’t want to be trapped by my own creation

Vir: Those within the Tarocco must also have been set free

Yuki: …Vir-sama…

Vir: It was very important to me

Vir: But compared to what I lost…

Vir: I now know the value of what is right before my eyes

Yuki: Vir-sama… I love you

Vir: Yuki…

Vir: You’re my happiness…pure like fresh snow

Vir: We’ll be together forever…

Teo: Vir! Neve! Breakfast is ready!!

Vir: Goodness…

Vir: Let’s go then, Neve

Yuki: Yes, dear

~*End of Scene*~

(Back to Directory)

[findingmypeace]

It’s almost 4am. I haven’t been able to sleep for multiple reasons. Mostly, because I’m just so angry about the past two doctor’s appointments.

I am feeling quite irrational right now while also feeling very angry. By that I mean, the ed is screaming at me: I obviously need to get serious about losing weight and stop procrastinating. No more small snack here and there throughout the day. Instead, it’s nothing. I need to lose as much as I can, as fast as I can. According to my very own doctor I am apparently way too fat and as result I am unhealthy and therefore need to lose as much weight as I can. So I will. And if she can get insurance approval I will have a year’s supply of Wegovy (the prescription weight loss medication-a once a week shot). I guess my weight is so unhealthy that it’s important I get the aid of a medication to help me lose weight as fast as possible. (I’m literally not even obese. Close, but not yet). But, hey, the eating disorder is all for anything that can aid in weight loss. If I can get back down to a more comfortable weight I can’t even explain how great that would feel.

So those are the louder ed thoughts that are happening as a result of my interactions with my doctors. However, the logical part of me knows that an actual MD basically handed me a tool that will contribute to a disorder that is killing me. And in her words she is ‘helping me to achieve my goal’. On the appointment summary note she posted on the patient portal app she wrote about how I know I both need and want to lose weight but I don’t know how because of my ‘extreme behaviors and lack of coping skills’. Oh really. Well, I guess I’ll show you. I very much know how to lose weight. Just give me a few months. Fuck you! This is the battle in my head. I go from irrational to rational and back instantly. And there is a small part of that rational part of my brain that has started to come to terms with how bad things really are right now, including with the amount of behaviors, and, even though I understand the connection between my physical symptoms and the ed, if I truly want those symptoms to go away I need to reduce and eventually stop all ed behaviors. I like to pretend there’s other things that can treat my symptoms and make them go away. But I’m realizing there’s no magic cure. It just doesn’t work that way. So part of the back and forth battle in my head involves the lifting of denial/finally allowing myself to connect the dots on the seriousness of things and at the same time wanting to lose as much weight as possible, as fast as I can because apparently I need to. My own doctor says I’m too heavy and, according to her, being at this weight is really dangerous and puts me at risk for so many other diseases. (Her notes literary talk about that). So, yeah, part of me wants to give her a big fuck you and report her practice to every place possible and the other part of me wants to see if she’ll continue to refill my Lasix prescription (in addition to the wegovy) since that helped me lose quite a bit of water weight in just a week. They’re not open on Saturday but maybe I could call and ask on Monday. Or not. Ed brain vs recovery brain.

Now that I got a little bit of my anger out I am going to try to get some sleep. It is almost 5am so if I don’t fall asleep soon I think I’ll just get up for the day. I don’t have the patience for this right now.

[chaosdisorganized]

i think it’s super cool that your a certified nurse! and have DID! i know like i’m just cause you have DID doesn’t mean you can’t do anything but i know how difficult it can be (as a polyfrag did system myself) with all the trauma stuff and anyway- i think your super cool for being a certified nurse :3 <3

I am thankfully not a nurse, just a nurse aide but I appreciate the kindness. I would not be a nurse after working under them for a few years. A nurses job is 10x harder than my job and I certainly would not be able to manage it. After the things I've seen nurses go through and the many I've met who are complete bitches I could never be a nurse. I like being a nurse aide though, it's a very physically demanding job and wears on my physical and mental health which are the only downsides. It pays decent and I love helping people. In my state it's super easy to become a cna, a minimum 2 week course and a state test is all that's required for licensure. My classes were only about a month and the state test wasn't too difficult. Becoming a nurse is a ton more difficult and I can't do it. I've tried going to school a few times and my mental health just does not allow me to manage it. The one month class was very manageable because there was no school work or anything like that, it was attendance based so all I really had to do was show up.

In my job I write a lot of notes on my assignment sheet so my parts have information they need to carry out our work duties. I only work 2-3 days a week, 12 hour shifts make that possible but I don't believe I'd be able to keep this job if I had to do a full work week. I recently had to move back to only 2 days because it's been wearing on me hard-core lately. I'm mostly just glad that I committed to it more than I have for anything ever. I obviously struggle a lot in my day to day life so managing to finish those classes and passing the test was a huge accomplishment and I'm proud of us for it <3 we also struggled a lot about keeping jobs, we would usually leave a place after working for only 3 months and move to the next thing but we've been working for the same agency for almost a year now which is the longest we've ever kept a job. It helps that working for agency means if I don't like a facility or I get burnt out on it I don't have to go back and I still have a job. I'm actually really happy with our career choices atm but it can't be a long term thing unfortunately because the job kills our body and chips away at our mental health. There will come a time when we will no longer be able to work as an aide and hopefully by then ill have other career opportunities to choose from. It's okay for rn though. Thank you for your kind messages, it is really hard. Like I said if we had to do a typical work week we wouldn't be able to manage. Our symptoms are very disruptive in our day to day so only having 2 or 3 days of work has been helpful in helping us manage having a job. I can keep rambling on about this for hours so I'll stop now lol. Thank you again for your kind words, we really appreciate it and I hope you have a good day <3

[againstthegrainphoto]

…wasn’t going to….but now it’s after 3 am and I can’t sleep….so long winded rant it is.

Today was a really rough day. My moms best fren passed away at the beginning of this month….and today was her memorial. Which in and of itself is sad and difficult. But also she was in her mid 90s, so it wasn’t completely unexpected….ya know? She wasn’t even sick or anything.

But having to go to her memorial was, I guess, triggering for me. It was like attending a church service. Which I haven’t done in like over a decade…..because we are extremely strong atheists on this blog. Religion is poison. And the whole thing made me feel things I didn’t want to feel while grieving for my mom and loss of her bff. Things like anger and the hatred of white saviors. One of the speakers spoke at the room as “all of us here as Christians” and went off about how Christians have such hardships. FIRST OF ALL. Speak for your self. Second of all, could you imagine the amount of good this lady would have done if it weren’t all done in the name of Jesus. Like, what if you just did good things because it’s the correct thing to do?? Not to force feed your bullshit god downs someone’s throat.

So many many many times people would say “she was a wonderful ✨servant✨” “such a great ✨servant✨ of the lord”

…..if anyone refers to me as a fucking servant at my fucking funeral I will literally pop out of that fucking grave and haunt their ass…..

And it was literally every single person in the room. It’s so absolutely demoralizing to me to encounter such large groups of cult worship. They made everyone sing worship songs and pray and stuff. It’s so hard for me to stomach any of that.

And I guess it makes me also feel bad for my mom. She so badly wanted the daughters that have stark white walls in their 5 bedroom suburban house with live laugh love hanging on them while they over cook unseasoned chicken in the kitchen. Married with 4 children while being worship team leaders and Sunday school teachers. I know she looks at her frens grandson and his “perfect” family and wishes that was hers. Not a happily single blue haired anti-religion atheist who hates children….or a multi-colored half shaved head who’s riding out the consequences of alcohol well into her thirties and whose significant other is not of the male gender. I think she’s come to terms with the fact that we will not be reproducing. So at least there’s that.

Another thing that bothers me, is going on about how they could never survive hardships without god. And how god is so great and loving and gave them the strength to work through the loss of a child and husband……I’m just like, no. YOU are the strength. YOU got yourself through that. There is no god here. If god did anything in that scenario, he’s the one who allowed your child to die in your arms. He’s the one who allowed your husband to be lost at sea. Because HE didn’t save them. So don’t start with the bullshit. I can’t stomach it.

And what really just got me, like just to put this in perspective, my mom had the audacity to tell me that I was a god send for being able to take her to this funeral. I’m like…no. I’m not. I chose to spend the entirety of my only two days off for this week entertaining you and having you stay at my house while driving you 9 hours in one day so you could attend your frens funeral. ✨I✨ did that. Because ✨I✨ knew it was the ✨right✨ thing to do, because I couldn’t sit by and have you miss your best frens funeral….and then let my sister pull an all nighter to drive you home after she got off work……only to drive back to Seattle to work her next shift with no sleep. God did not send me. I fucking sent ✨myself✨ and now I’m dealing with the emotional, psychological, and physical consequences of doing that.

And the black void of tumblr is where I’m going to shout about it.

[revolttoevolve]

Bellie's gonna get ya

I woke up on Day 1 feeling like absolute crap!

I hadn’t had a drink in over 24 hours, I hadn’t stuffed my face with sweets and carbs in a vein attempt to mop up the wine in my tummy either. So, I was feeling it, big time. But I felt different. I didn’t want to hide behind another bottle and a takeaway, I suddenly felt for the first time strong enough to stop running from my past and from the person I was becoming, and that feeling had completely overridden the need to hide.

I had had a long-term relationship, my first serious relationship. From the ages of 20 to 29. So quite literally all of my 20’s. We lived up the road from his family and 250 miles away from mine.

This might seem like a strange thing to say but it was my depression and anxiety that had kept us together for so long. You see he was quite controlling he would sometimes gaslight me and he was selfish. My thoughts and opinions didn’t count. Nothing I did was note-worthy, unless he had achieved something greater. The day I ran my first ever marathon, there was no congratulations he just talked about the fact that he was going to do a challenge far superior to a marathon. This behaviour on his part largely went unchecked because I was too distracted with my mental health to recognise it and my family, we’re too far away to see what was going on.

Things changed when I got therapy. For the first time in years I had been able to see light at the end of the tunnel, and that light was bathing the reality of the situation in those harsh fluorescent strips. I started to essentially confront his behaviour head on. Simple things really. Why is it that I have altered some of my habits because I know they annoy him, and he hasn’t done a damn thing to alter any of his? Why am I not in control of my own wages? The list of questions went on. He hated it, and I wondered if anyone had ever questioned his behaviour before.

We had split up 7 years ago, I had of course dealt with the break and reflected on where and why it all went so very wrong and comes to terms with it. Made my peace with it.

What was new today was the connection I made between him and my dad. My opinion didn’t matter as much as his. My choices in life weren’t as good as his. And no matter how hard I tried I would never ever be good enough. Judging me for the person he thought I ought to be and not accepting me for who I am.

As soon as I realised this I cried. So, Flash come over insisting that stroking him would help. It did. Thing is, it wasn’t tears of sadness. It was tears of relief. Tears of understanding. This is where I had been going wrong.

My relationship with men in general had been moulded by my dad’s example and I always ended up unhappy and frustrated because I was at odds with myself. Half believing that I ought to be grateful for every shred of affection I get no matter how much its wrapped in an insult, and half believing I deserve to be treated so much better than that – but now realising that this is my fault.

I was choosing this again and again and again. Thereby allowing this behaviour to be acceptable and then of course getting treated like crap by people who didn’t even deserve my smile much less anything else.

And so, I sat there, with a pounding head, feeling very sick and crying but I somehow also felt better than I had done in years.

I opened my diary, page 1 and began to write.

‘’Day 1 (29.12.18)

After a booze fuelled 2 days and after finally accepting that if I don’t change, it will kill me. I’m done.

So, sugar detox.30 days (to begin with).

I’m not going to say I will never drink again, but I am going to go cold turkey for the time being.

From this I will also start running again. I am going to run the Brighton Marathon, 2020. 8 years after my first and this time I’m aiming for sub 4 hours.

Why all of this? – because I can’t carry on like this, I’m not dealing with my anger in a healthy way. I want to be physically and mentally healthier. I’ve got 3 ½ years until my 40th. By then I want to be happier, healthier and debt free. I want to have hobbies; I don’t want to let this consume me any longer.

So, here is my mission statement – I will not drink for 90 days, 90 days sober – start from there. I will not eat refined carbs or sugars for at least 30 days, and I will start running again.

I will get some scales.

I must focus on me. This must be it.

I know I will struggle at times.

I know I am stuck in a cycle, my relationship with alcohol has become supremely complicated. I must free myself from this.”

Withdrawal Symptoms

Dull Headache

Nausea

Anxiety

Sweaty

Shudders (at night)

Hallucinations (at night)

“Day 2 (30.12.81)

I had a weird night sleep. Took me ages to drop off, and when I did my head sort of shuddered and I kept twitching. I feel a bit odd this morning. I’m sweating but I’m cold.

I took Flash out for a walk, saw loads of runners, I really wanted to go myself – but I literally need to walk before I can run. I want to settle into this new healthy food thing before I started my running plan. I’m about to have my first decent breakfast since staying at Jenna’s 6 weeks ago.

Withdrawal Symptoms

Dull Headache

Nausea

Anxiety

Sweaty

Shudders (at night)

Hallucinations (at night)

“Day 3 (31.12.18)

I’m itchy today. I think partly because it’s now been 3 days since I last had a drink or had any bread or any sugar, but also because it’s New Years Eve. A classic night for everyone to drink too much. I had been invited out by a couple of different people, but I think I’m just going to stay in. Make a nice meal, stick the TV on watch a movie and go to bed. For tomorrow I will go for my first run in months.”

Withdrawal Symptoms

Dull Headache

Nausea

Anxiety

Sweaty

Dizziness

Fatigue

Shudders (at night)

Hallucinations (at night)

“Day 4 (01.01.19)

2.47-mile run, my pace. 12-minute miles. It was tough. Probably a combination of having not run since October and not being on the detox.

First day of the year and I found an empty wine bottle under the sofa when I was hoovering. I felt disgusted by it. How had I let things get that bad?

The house behind me had had a party last night, I hadn’t heard any of it until I had gone to bed, since my bedroom is at the back of the flat. It was quite entertaining. To begin with I could make out the conversations and they we’re all quite civilised and jovial then, weirdly like a switch had flipped or something they we’re all just suddenly smashed, and I couldn’t understand a single word. It got me thinking about how many times I had tried to hold conversations after having had too much wine and basically how much of a dick I must have sounded, quite a lot of the time.

Today I’m quite itchy. I think it’s more the habit of it than anything else. But remembering my disgust at the wine bottle under the sofa and how much that party had changed through too much booze has really helped my resolve.”

Withdrawal Symptoms

Dull Headache

Nausea

Anxiety

Sweaty

Dizziness

Tingling

Shudders (at night)

Hallucinations (at night)

Run – 2.47 miles. 12-minute mile pace.

Perspective is powerful. Within 4 days of the detox I was simultaneously suffering with 8 different symptoms of withdrawal and I just thought blimey booze and sugar are very obviously bad for you, otherwise your body wouldn’t react so terribly to it being cut out. I mean let’s face it, if you we’re to cut out apples for a week – it’s not going to make you anxious. It might make you think about apple pie a bit more. But you won’t get sweaty or shaky through lack of apples. If I was on the other side of the perspective, I’d be thinking this is terrible, I shouldn’t put my body through this, where’s my purse I’m going to by a beer and a doughnut.

I got through the first 4 days by focusing on my thoughts and my feelings. Not having the distraction of booze was really helping me face my past and deal with it in a healthier way than finding solace at the bottom of a bottle (which never ever ever happened anyway)

Day 5 was my first day back at work after the Christmas break, it was also the day I decided to tell everyone what I was doing. A brilliant motivational tactic by the way. In a dark moment of weakness when your itching for a Snickers or a bottle, realising that if you eat it/drink it and someone asks you how the detox is going – you either have to lie to them about the fact that you failed or you have to be honest and tell them you failed. Either way – it doesn’t feel great.

Next stop …. Withdrawal central….

[ms-elias-will-see-you-now]

I love the term. Always wished I had a way to describe it but I almost never feel “I don’t want to do it” but almost always demand avoidance, where I come to like the thing because of course I like the thing.

Things in this category

1) Going out to see friends

2) Making plans, schedules, and my calendar/weekly, monthly, yearly goals

3) Cleaning - usually the bathroom and sink after dinner is where it gets to avoidance levels

4) Writing - if I’ve had a drought of inspiration for longer than a week or I had to skip a day of inspiration because of other commitments - avoid

5) Anything that would actually improve my adult mental, physical, and economic health but requires either talking to a human being, being on the phone, or going outside.

When it comes to things I just “can’t do” it’s often hard for me to tell because sometimes it will be one of the above 5 things but only when I’m in an extremely depressed state. If I can’t tell what level of depression I’m at or I’m very risk averse that day, I can’t tell the difference between when I’m avoidant and I’m “just can’t”.

Which I know is because when I lived with my family, I was never allowed to have “can’t” days. I pushed through the burnout for over 15 years and it feels like the last 2 years have been a lot of me trying to not do anything ever to make up for that.

Funny thing is I like the fact that I can “do whatever I set my mind to”, but I know it’s not normally a healthy mindset to have, so sometimes I think I cause myself more burnout the same as if I was still living at home. At least I have gotten better about dealing with overstimulation.

Can’ts I have documented now:

1. Specific loud or upsetting noises

2. Specific textures, fabrics, or feelings in the clothes and things I buy (fuck those notebooks with that awful ribbed cover)

3. Specific mouthfeel and textures in food. I’m not a picky eater there are just three or four of these I absolutely do not want except in rare circumstances

3. Arguments that extend beyond a debate and more into two people not listening - I refuse to take part in these and try to leave the emotion anger behind generally (not healthy but I’ll live with it)

And finally

4. Speaking to family. This is really #3 but even worse cause you would think I couldn’t get into arguments in 3 minutes over the phone or text but I really have no emotional control around these people I just can’t

I gotta say, one of the greatest achievements of my 20s was that I learned (mostly) to differentiate between:

"I truly do not want to go" and

"I'm just feeling the Demand Avoidance, and I will like it once I get there."

[keepingupwithkrispy]

What are your top 3 long term goals (be specific)? What are problems you have to overcome to achieve your goals? How can you get one step closer to overcoming them?

1. stay healthy and happy

2. own a home

3. have children (adopted and biological)

The biggest obstacle is figuring out where I want to settle down. Only then can the other pieces fall into place. I’m thankful my remote work position is allowing me to experience adventure for another year. It feels like I’m constantly chasing my own tail. But, I know the place where I belong will be the place where I am honoring my highest self.

Each place I visit is serving a purpose. I’m learning more and more about myself and the people I meet are teaching me lessons.

*Virginia Beach, VA (August ‘24-October ‘24) - I chose this as my first destination for a few reasons. First - I wanted to end the summer somewhere warm and close to the beach. Second - I’ve had a very tough year with my relationship involving the gym. I previously established a CF gym that I go to when I’m in VB, so it was comforting to have a bit of routine with starting a new position at work. I debated joining a different gym in the area…decided I did not have the energy or emotional capacity to integrate myself into a new community. In the end, I chose to stay at the gym that I typically frequent in the hopes of falling back in love with a hobby I used to enjoy. The athletes are physically better than me and the coaches are knowledgeable. I wanted to be in an environment where I am not the best because that’s how I like to learn, grow and evolve. Using other people’s strengths to focus on my weaknesses. I think people remember previous versions of you and like to keep you in a box. I’m not the same me from 2 years ago…I’m older and wiser in the best way possible. Being at this gym was comforting, but I didn’t feel fully supported. I think I’ve outgrown the environment or maybe I don’t fit in. I can feel it is time to move on, which is hard to come to terms with when you want it to work.

*Golden, CO (November ‘24-February ‘25) - I’m so excited for my next stop! One of my favorite humans in the world taught me to snowboard this past season. So, I chose CO as a stop because I want to spend a winter getting better at the sport. I figured what better place to do it. A friend recently told me to be open to everything the universe brings me and that I can’t drive a car looking in the rear view mirror.

With each destination I feel I’m one step closer to finding where I belong. I won’t know what comes after February 2025 until I experience the months prior…stay tuned.

[mrzeecon]

As an introvert, my room isn’t just a physical space—it's a sanctuary, a universe contained within four walls where I feel most at home. It’s where my thoughts come alive, ideas flourish, and I find the comfort to express myself. It’s not just a room; it’s an extension of my identity, my personal canvas where the outside world melts away, leaving me with the freedom to create.

The Addictive Comfort of Solitude

Some might call it an addiction, this need to stay in one place, but for me, it’s a necessity. It’s in this isolation that I find clarity and focus. I’m not avoiding the world; I’m immersing myself in the things that truly matter to me—those fleeting thoughts, quiet moments, and inspirations that would otherwise get drowned out in the noise of the outside world. This solitude isn’t loneliness; it’s a retreat where my mind becomes sharper, and my ideas take root.

In this room, I’m free from the expectations and pressures of society. I don’t have to wear masks or play roles. Instead, I can be myself—reflective, introspective, and creative. This space allows me to engage in deep thinking and to craft content that isn’t just for me but for millions of other introverts who find comfort in the quiet, who seek refuge in their own spaces, and who, like me, find a sense of belonging in their solitude.

How My Room Shapes My Content

The content I create is born out of these moments of deep reflection and inspiration. Every blog post, every thought shared, is a product of the stillness that my room offers. It’s a place where I can dive into my experiences, explore my struggles, and connect with others on a deeper level. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way—so many of us introverts are addicted to our rooms, not because we want to escape life, but because we want to experience it in a way that feels authentic and meaningful.

When I share my thoughts, my experiences, and my introspections, I know they resonate with others. There’s a silent, invisible community of us—millions who are tuned in, who also find inspiration within the quiet confines of their rooms. We connect not because we’ve met or spoken but because we understand each other’s need for solitude, the pull of the room, and the comfort of being alone yet profoundly connected.

The Paradox of Creating in Isolation

Some might think that being contained within a room limits creativity, but I see it as the opposite. My room is both a cocoon and a launching pad for ideas. The stillness lets me listen to the unspoken conversations in my mind, the ones that reveal truths about myself and the world. It’s in this space that I’m able to build stories that speak to others, even when I can’t see them or hear their voices.

The paradox of being an introvert who shares content with the world is that, while I’m most comfortable alone, I still crave a connection. But it’s a connection on my terms—one that doesn’t require me to step out of my comfort zone but still allows me to reach people. Through my writing and my thoughts, I’ve built a bridge between my sanctuary and the world outside, one that allows other introverts to feel seen and understood.

Finding Strength in Embracing My Nature

Rather than fighting against my introverted nature, I’ve learned to lean into it, to use it as a source of strength and inspiration. The room, this place that I sometimes feel addicted to, has become my ally. It’s where I’m free to be vulnerable, to explore my thoughts without fear of judgment, and to create content that speaks to others who find solace in solitude.

For all the introverts out there who are addicted to their rooms, I want you to know that there’s power in that space. It’s where we can build, dream, and connect with others like us who understand the beauty of solitude. It’s not a limitation; it’s a privilege, one that allows us to find our voices and, in turn, help others find theirs.

[transamorousnetwork]

Why Science Took So Long To “Discover” This Great Truth

Looks like science is finally catching up to spirituality. This is really good news for trans and trans-attracted people. That’s because, like many people, these people put a lot of faith and trust in science.

That faith and trust is problematic when it comes to being trans and trans-attracted. Even with that faith and trust in science, many trans and trans-attracted people struggle mightily with who and what they are. Sure, medication can and does help. But even then, struggle remains. Especially when these people’s reality continues reflecting back to them their disempowering thoughts and beliefs.

When it comes to understanding how powerful thoughts and beliefs are, science is out of its league. Which is why science can’t help people with creating their reality. But spiritualists have been helping all people find relief, then freedom then joy by showing people the power they inherently possess. People are extremely powerful. They use that power to create their reality. This includes trans and trans-attracted people.

What’s interesting is, science is just beginning to lear what Spiritualists have known for eons. Recent scientific “discoveries” are proving this.

And that’s what I’m writing about today. I’m writing about scientific research pointing to the connection between thoughts people have early in life and how those thoughts literally create debilitating and deadly illnesses later in life.

Let’s get to it.

Thoughts and beliefs matter

As I wrote above, Spiritualists such as myself have known forever that our thoughts and beliefs are the source of physical reality. Physical reality includes our physical bodies. Therefore, our physical bodies spring from thoughts we think and beliefs we hold.

If we think we were born in the wrong body, power inherent in that belief will create unpleasant realities. This explains why some trans people holding such a belief, become overweight as they get older. Their resistant belief causes them to take action (overeating) in an attempt to soothe those negative beliefs. It’s also why some of those trans people, when they accept their bodies, through physical transformation, lose significant weight. 

Thoughts are powerful. They’re so powerful, they can create any reality we want. But consciousness is more powerful than thought. It also enjoys a quality thoughts do not: consciousness is free. It can literally do, be or have whatever it can conceive.

Together, thoughts, beliefs and consciousness represent an awesome combination. This freedom and power enable a consciousness to also create things it does not want. Again, the spiritual community has known this since the beginning. We know, for example, that humans create every experience in their lives, including that body in which they are born.

That’s why spiritual teachers constantly stress the importance of being conscious of one’s thoughts and beliefs. It’s also why we encourage people not to allow others’ thoughts and beliefs into one’s consciousness, unless those thoughts and beliefs are aligned with one’s desires.

Thoughts and beliefs are building blocks of everything we experience. Now it seems some corners of science are beginning to agree. One of those corners is the body of research known as “Adverse Childhood Experiences” (ACEs).

What are ACEs?

An ACE is an exposure to one or more family-of-origin condition which sociologically can be generalized as negative. Researchers put them in three categories: Abuse, neglect and household disfunction:

^^Categories in which ACEs are organized.

According to ACEs research these events pose an extreme risk to childhood development, and long-term adult health. As Wikipedia describes it: “Scientific evidence is mounting that such adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) have a profound long-term effect on health. Research shows that exposure to abuse and to serious forms of family dysfunction in the childhood family environment are likely to activate the stress response, thus potentially disrupting the developing nervous, immune, and metabolic systems of children.[2][3][4] ACEs are associated with lifelong physical and mental health problems that emerge in adolescence and persist into adulthood,[5] including cardiovascular disease, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, autoimmune diseases, substance abuse, and depression.[6][7][8]“

The “stress response” identified in the research causing “disruption” is important. That’s because it’s not the stress response that creates the disruption.

But science’s focus on stress response as the cause isn’t surprising. Science rests all its “discoveries” on the belief that an objective reality exists. There’s no such thing as an objective reality though. Reality, all of it, springs from within consciousness. It therefore is subjective, not objective.

Humans invented and practice science. “Human” is an experience of consciousness. Because of that, science too, is an experience of consciousness. Science therefore is subject to conscious focus, making all it researches subject to the focus consciousness brings to it.

I’m going to get back to all this in a moment because it explains why it’s taking so long for science to understand what spiritualists have known for eons. But for now, let’s look at this “stress response” in more detail.

What is stress?

Stress isn’t an emotion. Stress is, however, a physical state arising from an emotional experience. It (stress) shows up in the body when a person interprets an experience (a stressor) as physically or psychologically threatening or challenging. “Interprets” is an act of thinking. So we can say that when one thinks something is challenging or threatening, then they will feel the physical effect in the body called “stress”.

We know not everyone experiences stressors similarly. One person’s stressor can be another’s “normal” or even their happy place. The difference lies in how each person interprets or thinks about the experience.

So stress results from thinking about the experience, not the experience itself. Indeed, research confirm this. From a Wikipedia article on stress (the underlined portion is ours):

“Stress is a non-specific response.[5] It is neutral, and what varies is the degree of response. It is all about the context of the individual and how they perceive the situation…A stressor is inherently neutral meaning that the same stressor can cause either distress or eustress. It is individual differences and responses that induce either distress or eustress.[8]

Stress then, is a physical manifestation. It is a physical reality showing up in the body. It manifestswhen a consciousness interprets – thinks about something – in a particular way: A thought happens and from that thought a manifestation results: stress.

“Stress response” then, indicated as the cause of disruption when exposed to an ACE, is not the cause of the disruption. It is a response to the cause.

Another word we could use to describe “disruption” is “manifestation”. “Stress responses” don’t cause “manifestations”. Stress responses are manifestations. Disruptions, therefore, are further-evolved versions of the stress-response manifestation.

Let’s look at what I mean.

It’s circular logic but accurate

First there is energy. Energy is all there is. It is All That Is. You and I are vibrational energy. Energy comprises everything. And all that energy is aware, conscious and mobile. Energy, therefore is conscious, aware action.

Because it is action, it gives rise to vibration. When conscious energy focuses itself, the vibration it emits gives rise to a predecessor of thought. That predecessor I call thought form. It is not yet a thought. But the evolution or momentum of energy’s vibration, as that energy focuses itself, continues gaining momentum. When further evolved conscious energy, such as a human, perceives thought form, the focus on that form evolves the thought form further into what humans know as a “thought”.

If you dismissively think this is circular logic, then you’re dismissing the fundamental nature of All That Is. All That Is is circular in nature. It exists to become more. And it does that by knowing itself. That’s circular!

So when some trans women reading my stories dismissively accuse me of circular logic, they don’t realize they’re accurately describing what the Universe is all about. It’s circular in its basic foundation! So my logic accords with how All That Is actually works!

By the time conscious energy that has evolved itself through thought into a manifested form such as a human, when that human perceives thought, that thought is “perceived” through a process of attraction. By attraction, I simply mean “like attracts like” or an energetic resonance like two magnets attracting each other. Thoughts aligned with the energy perceiving the thoughts get drawn to the perceiving energy. When that happens, those thoughts become perceptible. Then momentum begins.

^^Reality is circular.

How thoughts create disease

That momentum will draw other energy like itself until the energy further expands or evolves. Spiritual people call the evolution of energy “manifestation”; thoughts become things. That happens through manifestation or the evolution of energy as I’ve described above.

So when a person interprets a stressor, they’re thinking. The person is an evolved – a manifested – form of energy in action. Their thinking process is nothing more than attraction in action. When the person interprets a stressor as a threat or challenge, that act of interpretation or thought begins a process of energetic evolution of action energy. The thought evolves from thought form, into thought then into a physical manifestation: stress in the body. Science and psychology call that physical manifestation the “stress response”.

As with all manifestation and focus, momentum ensues. The person focusing on a threat or challenge, by the nature of their focus, generates more energy action – momentum – in other words. That momentum, spurred by the person’s continued focus, must evolve, attract and become more. The “more” here is what researchers are calling “disruption.”

They’re using the word “disruption” because typically that describes an interruption of the normal processes of the body becoming more. As the body evolves or grows or matures more in line with focus given by the energy inhabiting the body (the personality or person), natural, positive processes of action/evolution take place. These positive processes are how a child’s body grows into an healthy adult one.

But when the person chronically manifests “stress” in their body, that chronic stress interrupts those processes. The interruptions lead to disease. The person’s thoughts, therefore, are what produces disease not the disruption or the stress. Stress and disruption aren’t the cause. They are intermediary steps. Which brings us elegantly, wonderfully, back to the ACEs.

ACE-Disease Correlation

Researchers realized in the mid-1990s stunning associations between these ACEs and nearly every chronic psychological and physical problem. To spiritualists, this is not a “discovery”. We’ve known that thoughts create reality since forever.

Yet these associations are worth noting. That’s because, even though every person is more spiritual than anything else, a remarkably large number discount their spiritual nature in practice, choosing instead to focus like science does: on an objective reality separate from themselves. One in which things can happen to them against their will, where luck is a thing, where “bad things happen to good people” and where “in every life a little rain must fall”.

ACEs researchers in Montana realized remarkable correlations between ACE exposure and disease of all kinds in both children and adults. For example:

Children with an ACE score of 1 are 19.6% more likely to develop a chronic condition requiring above routine amount or type of health care services, almost doubling to 36.1% with 2+ ACEs.

Children with an ACE score of 1 are 26.9% more likely to be overweight or obese, with minimal change to 26.7% with 2+ ACEs.

Adults with an ACE score of 4 or more are 1220% more likely to attempt suicide, 1003% more likely to use injected drugs, 460% more likely to have recent depression, and 390% more likely to have lung disease.

Adults with an ACE score of 2 or more are 400% more likely to consider themselves an ‘alcoholic.’

Finally, at least 5 of the top 10 leading causes of death are associated with ACEs.

What I see here are disempowering thoughts manifesting into mental and physical disease and death. I wrote “disempowering” on purpose. That’s because there’s another manifestation that happens before the stress response. We should look at that next.

We overlook important clues: our emotions

The action of thought turning to things includes a step we’ve ignored up to now. That step comes in between attracting a thought and the manifestation that thought evolves into. Every person is familiar with this intermediary step. Yet, they don’t realize how powerful and important that step is. We humans call that step “emotion”.

Every thought we think produces an emotion. That’s obvious for really strong thoughts, ones with a lot of momentum behind them. And yet every thought comes associated with an emotion.

Emotions tell us something critical. Ignoring that message is what contributes to creating “negative” manifestations including those which interrupt bodily evolution and create disease.

One of the most important message emotions offer is they tell us what manifestations we have in the works are going to be like when they become “reality”. The message couldn’t be clearer. Emotions that feel good tell us manifestations we have underway are aligned with what we’re wanting to experience. Emotions that don’t feel good tell us manifestations we’re creating are notaligned with what we’re wanting to experience.

What we want or don’t want is shaped by the collection of core values and intents as well as desires day-to-day experiences stimulate from within us. Our wants include every possible conception. From how we want to feel psychologically and physically, to the life we want to enjoy, and the death we prefer.

Our lack of connection to these emotional clues explains how most of us create terrible manifestations; ones we think we would never create for ourselves. And yet we do.

Let’s look at how and why.

Learning ourselves

No one, it seems, would create on purpose getting raped or dying in a terror attack as a manifestation. No one would choose to experience losing their job or ending up homeless or addicted to meth. Many people would even say that no one would choose to be born trans.

But if you look at what I’ve shared so far, you can see quite logically how people would end up in such situations. These things aren’t happening to them. As hard as it may be to accept it, these experiences are springing from them. From the thoughts and beliefs they as a point of consciousness have allowed into themselves.

In other words, something in them attracts negative thoughts. It could be previous experiences in this life in which they’ve formed negative thoughts or beliefs. Perhaps it’s a thought or belief they’ve accepted from another. Or it could be a thought or belief they bring from a previous life. Yes, the energy incarnating as human is eternal. It has and will forever exist as it moves through progressive experiences (lives) as a way of knowing itself. Just like All That Is does.

^^Tragedies aren’t random. (Photo by John Middelkoop)

Resonance between that “something” and the thought it attracts causes the attracted thought to bind into place. It joins in the individual’s vibrational mix. Momentum ensues from the binding. Then that thought will cause the person to take action, action that will rendezvous the person with a reality reflecting back to that person the vibrational mix inside them.

In this way, conscious energy incarnate as human learns what it has in its vibrational mix. So these reflections, what humans call physical reality, are how conscious energy knows itself.

Constant clues coming for our benefit 

I laid out a detailed progression describing how a person ends up creating an experience whereby she is raped. So I won’t detail the progression again. There are an infinite number of ways a point of conscious can manifest any negative experience, including rape.

But there are as many ways a point of consciousness can manifest any positive experience too. And this is where the empowerment of what you’re reading comes in. It’s also why All That Is includes people like me, spiritualists, who are here constantly reminding people what they are.

We all create our reality. When trans women read that, most immediately go to “victimhood” or “disempowerment”: “I didn’t create this thing I suffer from”, they say. They rarely go to “empowerment”: “Really? That means I can create ANYTHING! Show me how!”

Along the way to every manifestation, we constantly get clues about what we’re creating. Emotions are just one of those clues. What shows up is yet another. A person doesn’t go from being happy to getting raped. Along that path, they experience ever more intense clues giving them a heads up as to what’s coming, starting with emotion. Abraham makes it plain:

But if the person ignores the early clues, then they’ll keep coming, until the clues are so intense they can’t be ignored.

So now, with all this in your mind, let’s look at why science is so slow in discovering things like the direct connection between thoughts and physical disease.

The slow pace of science 

Speaking of clues, the ACEs research gives us a lot of clues as to why it takes science so long to realize what spiritualists have known for eons. The first reason is obvious: science depends on an objective reality as the basis of the Universe. This is a complete distortion.

Reality is 100 percent subjective. A consensus reality exists, in which all consciousness agrees on some basic assumptions. But any individual consciousness can breach even those assumptions if their focus is strong enough. As such, no individual’s experience resembles another no matter how similar it physically appears. This is readily testable and, if the test is done correctly, over time, will produce convincing results for any individual.

^^From Wikipedia: The basic assumptions of science’s scientific method.

And that’s the problem with science and its inability to quickly get to what’s really happening in the Universe. It requires agreement. That’s a problem.

Since we’re all experiencing our own, separate realities, we can create any reality we desire and quickly. But because science and other methods have almost forced us to focus more on the consensus reality instead of our individual one, it can take a long time to manifest our desires. What’s more, many of those same methods, including science, make pronouncements totally out of whack with what’s really happening, by claiming some things impossible, that, actually, are not.

Anything the Universe inspires us to conceive can be our experience. THAT is a basic premise of the Universe. But if a person disbelieves the inspiration, or a body of knowledge says it’s impossible and the person believes that, then that person will not be able to go against their powerful focus. Their focus telling them it is impossible.

The power of focus limits or expands

And this is why science moves forward as though through molasses. Scientists believe in an objective reality. So the Universe presents that to them because they believe such a reality exists. Meanwhile, science also believes that which is real must be repeatable by others and agreed to by those same others. So the Universe offers that as the criteria by which science proves its “discoveries”.

Further, laws science has “discovered” and banks on, by those laws, makes some things, in scientist’s, view impossible. Other interpretations or experiences they dismiss as pseudoscience or delusions or hallucinations. At best they consider them “unexplainable”.

All of this greatly slows down “discoveries” science makes. All the while, people like me are proving things to be much different than what science claims. I know, for example that thoughts become things. I know that children aren’t innocently born as blank slates. They come into the world as wise, eternal beings, here to explore themselves in this unique plane. And because they are eternal, they come into the world with a strong trajectory of past interpretations of past experiences; an eternal collection which shapes their values and intents.

Those intents include some things we could call “good” and some we would likely call “bad”. All of those intents are being worked through in collaboration and cooperation with every other point of consciousness human and non human. That collaboration is what comprises All That Is. It also comprises the world in which you and I seem to live.

And none of those things you or I don’t want to experience need be a part of our experience. But they will if we invite them. And we invite them through our focused thoughts.

^^This is a powerful, eternal being. Not a blank slate. (Photo by Alex Hockett)

Spirit-infused science

That’s why so many struggle in life. They don’t know what you just read. So they invite all kinds of things they don’t want, while doubling down on beliefs that encourage doing that. They think luck is real, including bad luck. They believe life is random and that bad things can happen to them against their will.

It’s why parents perpetuate Adverse Childhood Experiences to their children. Of course, children coming into those experiences are choosing those experiences, so no harm, no foul because there are no victims. And yet, the world we see with all its wars, anti-trans legislation, transphobia, pain and poverty reflects the total state of consciousness and the all-that-is-ness of All That Is.

And in all that, everything is, ultimately, good. If more people can get to that point – seeing all as good – then the world will truly be a better place. But for now, too many people are looking at the world and all the “bad” out there. And through that focus they feel bad about the world, not knowing that bad feeling tells them they are creating more of what they’re feeling bad about.

So this isn’t a story about the age-old fight between spirituality and science. What it is is an attempt to show that there is as valid a source of wisdom in spirituality as there is science. Indeed, I’d say there’s more value in spirituality.

Why?

Because all we experience is spiritual. Including the scientific method. After all, many scientific discoveries (all of them actually) come through dreams, ideations while showering or in similar situations where the mind is on auto-pilot. In other words, times when conciousness is given free rein to tap into All-That-Is-wisdom.

The future of gods

That process has allowed science to give us all kinds of “breakthroughs”. Science therefore is benefiting us. From an individual perspective, however, we each can move much faster towards a life we desire by casting off reliance on science and instead relying on our essential natures, which are literally infinitely more capable, powerful and expansive. Limitless really.

Doing so requires intense focus. That’s because we must release beliefs most of us hold which block that limitless capability. Everything is possible. And, that limitless possibility expresses itself best at the level of the individual. The individual possessing the knowledge spiritualists have known forever: that we are gods in human form. And everything is possible to those who know themselves as such.

The being who chooses to come into the world through families with many of these ACE conditions or as a trans person are no different. Imagine powerful intentions such experiences spark in them. For when we know what we don’t want, we also know what we want. Any one of those people who line up with what they want, instead of what they don’t will, in rapid fashion, create astonishing worlds.

Which is why I write about how wonderful trans women are.

As it is, however, science burdens such people with “trauma” and labels like “gender dysphoria” thereby fostering more momentum behind thoughts manifesting chronic mental and physical imbalances.

At some point I know scientists will realize their error as they did around homosexuality being a mental illness or sin, or women and black people being inferior. When they do, we will be in a completely different world. Where science acknowledges the Source of all it knows: the spirit world.

We still have a ways to go before we get there though. And that’s ok.