#and I’m actually maybe improving in life so sick

[zorostitties]

Intertwined; 2

⤕ Luffy and you were like two sides of the same coin: opposites in every way, but similar in what mattered the most. Tied by a vow made with the purity of a child's heart, life keeps trying to tear you apart - but the vow that intertwined your destinies would not be broken so easily. Or, Luffy promised to marry you someday when you were kids. This is how he keeps his promise.

pairing: monkey d. luffy x (f) reader

genre: childhood friends to lovers, slow burn, arranged marriage, fluff, angst, eventual smut

warnings: violence/blood, explicit language, toxic family relationships, death/grief, when i say slow burn i mean it

rating: 18+

word count: 7k

A/N: HELLO YALL 💋 I can't stress enough how excited I am about this fic - and it's only beginning. Thank everyone that left comments on the first chapter!! I still have to make a proper playlist for this fic BUT a little song rec - I listened to Stay With Me from Miki Matsubara while writing this chapter!! kinda cliche but it makes me feel nostalgic and those are the correct vibes for this one. 🤓 Enjoy <3

⤕  Masterlist  ⤕ Also on AO3 ⤕ Taglist open!

➛ 9

One year, zero failures.

Twenty five commissions. Millions of berries in profit to the Scarpia safes.

And finally – five days of freedom.

In the Scarpia family, you couldn’t ask for things. You negotiated. Everything was transactional; that was the soul of the business. To get something, you must give something in return. Different things had different prices.

The cost of your little unsupervised vacation was absolute and obedient hard work. No more running away, no more slacking off, no complaining… instead, improving in every area that mattered to be a better assassin. You took commissions, excelled in training and tests, attended Landon’s classes without fail.

All so you could get what you wanted on your birthday.

It wasn’t an expensive request, but you knew that it costed much more than anything your brothers ever asked for – much more than Urso’s cannon that was exclusive to Marine warships, Saqr’s golden armor armor or Crowley’s actual warship with a full crew. Five days of being away, not being followed by anyone from the family, no questions asked? That was a lot. And so, the price to pay for that was high.

But you payed anyway. Payed splendidly. So your father had to honor the deal.

And finally, after a year, there you were climbing Mt. Colubo again.

You were excitedly making your way up the hill – running, to be honest. It wasn’t hard to remember the specific hill you agreed to meet; you had an awfully good memory for some reason. Your heart beat faster with each step in both excitement and worry. What if he forgot about you? What if he missed the date? You didn’t know where Luffy lived, so you wouldn’t know where to meet him – and it’d take days to scoop the area after him.

What if he simply didn’t care?

The thought made you nauseous.

Well, if he didn’t show up, you still had a mountain to explore and money to rent a room in the city–

The wind brought an unknown voice to your ears.

Your instincts jumped, took control of your body. You immediately hid behind a bush, crouching down, and waited.

“...tired of this!” A young male voice. A boy’s voice. “We’ve been waiting since morning! I swear, if you’re trying to prank me, I’ll kick you off that cliff...”

Then, another boy’s voice – and your eyes immediately widened. You knew that high pitched whine.

“It’s not a prank, Ace! I said I’d be waiting right here, I can’t leave!”

“Yeah, right. Waiting for your imaginary friend.”

“I’m not imagining anything!” An uneasy groan. “Though maybe I missed the date… has it really been a year? She is taking too long…”

“Tsk. I’m sick of this. I’m heading back…”

“No! Wait!”

You got up and sprinted up the hill.

“Luffy!” Your voice cracked a bit while screaming his name… still not used to screaming. One hand kept gripping the strap of the backpack while the other waved excitedly.

And there he was.

The stretchy boy hadn’t changed a thing. Same hair, same height, same scar under his left eye, a bandaid on a different place this time – his forehead –, same battered up straw hat that was still too big for his head, jeans shorts and a blue tank top…

And same grin, big big grin, that appeared as soon as he spotted you��� except he was missing his front tooth now.

“Wolfie!” He yelled. Who the hell–? Oh, right. That’s the name I made up. “You came!”

You had almost reached them when Luffy decided to engulf you in a hug.

...You were also not used to hugs and sudden proximity. The part of you that had been sharpened like a blade had the instinct to crush his trachea with the side of your hand. No no no, these are my five days of vacation. No business thinking! You made the conscious effort to push that part away, to lock it in a dark vault inside of your brain, a vault with a very complicated password. No bloodthirst. No kill intent.

So you just hugged him back instead and giggled excitedly.

Luffy then stepped away and grinned mischievously at that other boy.

He stepped behind you and put both hands over your shoulders as if presenting you like an item. “See? You seeing this? Is this imaginary? Call me a liar again, come on! C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, I dare you!”

You scanned each other in silence.

This guy was definitely a few years older than Luffy and you. His black wavy hair fell over his forehead, his tanned skin was peppered with freckles. Like Luffy, his brown eyes were so dark that they almost looked black. He wore shorts, an orange tank top, elbow pads, and held a steel pipe… what was that for?

He was much, much more judgmental than Luffy.

And apparently smarter, too.

Luffy walked to your side.

“This one’s my big brother Ace!” He presented.

You were immediately taken aback. Of course, you remembered how Luffy kept talking about someone called Ace. But you didn’t expect him to be a brother.

Just because your brothers are awful, doesn’t mean everybody’s are, too.

You managed to open a tight smile.

“My name’s Wolfie. Nice to meet you.”

Ace crossed his arms and measured you from head to toe – and you had to fight the urge to immediately despise him, because that look was familiar. Stop that. You don’t even know him yet. It’s your vacation! Time to have fun!

Luffy tapped your shoulder with the back of his hand. “Ace here kept saying I made you up, can you believe that?”

Ace side eyed Luffy with a frown. “You can’t blame me. The whole story sounded suspicious.” He focused on you again and tilted his head to the side. “The hell are you from?”

He carefully analyzed your outfit and backpack. Your clothes weren’t exactly fancy: you wore the standard Scarpia children “uniform”, which was basically a white button shirt, a black pleated skirt and the black blazer with the red scorpion on it (you had quickly gotten rid of that family crest from your clothes, however). You brothers, much obviously, wore pants instead of the skirt, but other than that, it was all the same.

You would have picked something different if you weren’t in such a hurry to get to the Dawn Island as fast as possible. Luckily, the last commission was already at some insignificant island of the East Blue – you picked it on purpose -, but the travel still took a days time. You still had to wait until the clock hit midnight to hop on a ship and head to the island (you couldn’t risk making your way with Landon nearby).

But anyway – your whole appearance was very obviously of a foreigner. A well lived foreigner. You couldn’t lie to two locals that you were from High Town, and you had already told Luffy you lived far.

Luckily, you had everything planned.

“Loguetown,” you announced. Ace seemed a bit surprised for some reason.

Big fat lie, obviously.

You’d been to Loguetown once or twice. It wasn’t that interesting of a place despite the mystique around it. Regardless, it was still a pretty big city and an acceptable answer: far, but not too far. Not too suspicious.

Ace quirked one eyebrow up. “...That’s far. What brings you to Mt. Colubo of all places?”

You shrugged. “My father visits the Goa Kingdom once a year because of his business and I like to come along.”

“You like to climb a mountain on your own.”

“I like animals and insects. I catalog them.”

“She draws pretty well. I mean, not better than me, but–“

“The mountain with the giant dangerous animals.” Ace cut Luffy off without taking his eyes off you.

“Yeah, that’s why this place is interesting.” You narrowed your eyes at him. “What’s the problem with that?”

“The problem is that this doesn’t make any sense.”

“What? You think a girl can’t take care of herself?”

“That’s not what I mean–“

“How are you alive? Luffy ate a Devil Fruit, so I get it, but how about you?”

Luffy looked between you and Ace like a ping pong ball coming and going.

And Ace looked very offended.

“What–?! I’m a hundred times stronger than Luffy!”

“Hey!”

“Don’t change the subject!” Ace once again ignored Luffy and pointed his finger at you. “I don’t know how a rich brat like you is even alive in here!”

You let an annoyed groan past your lips and tightened your fists. What an insufferable guy!

But then, you narrowed your eyes and refrained from arguing more. I didn’t come here to argue with anyone. I came here to play with Luffy.

A smug smirk grew on your lips. You held both straps of the backpack and took a small step back.

Then – you sprinted.

It made the wind howl, the trees sway. You had time to hear a satisfying gasp from both of them, but especially from the oh-so-annoying Ace.

In the blink of an eye, you were standing on the lower branch of a tree nearby.

“This is how.” You announced to a shocked Ace while smiling.

Luffy laughed.

He hopped excitedly and shook his arms. “I told you, see?! I told you, I told you!” The straw hat boy then looked at you with a defiant grin and fire in his eyes. “I said I’d be even faster this time!”

“Then prove it!” Now you were the one hopping excitedly. “You’re it!”

Luffy laughed and launched his weird stretched arm in your direction. You deflected him and jumped to another tree.

Ace stood there, still a bit shocked, and watched as you and Luffy chased each other through the trees. Both of you were noisy. Both of you disturbed the small animals like birds and squirrels, made branches shake violently, making a rain of leaves fall over his head. He heard a succession of tag! You’re it! before you said it one last time.

And then he spotted Luffy smiling devilishly at him like a gremlin.

“Are you just gonna stand there?!”

Ace took a step back and sent him a warning glare.

“Luffy, don’t you dare–”

Smack.

“You’re it!”

“I’m gonna kill you!”

Straw hat boy just laughed.

There were three kids disturbing the small fauna now.

“Have you ever eaten crocodile meat?” Luffy asked.

You shook your head. “Not that I remember.”

He smiled. “It’s soooo good. You’re gonna love it. Uh, now I’m hungry…”

“When are you not hungry, Luffy?” Ace side eyed you. “I’m surprised you didn’t want to hunt with us… since you’re soooooo good at everything.”

You shrugged.

Yes. It’s true that you decided to just stand near the river and watch them hunt the crocodile. Not because you couldn’t help them, but because it felt… wrong.

The crocodile was huge. Two times bigger than a cow, maybe. It was now wrapped in ropes as the two boys carried it above their heads towards their home. You’d never seen a crocodile this big, and that’s why you hesitated. Were there even that many crocodiles around?

“I feel bad for it.” You admitted quietly.

The two boys looked at you like you were insane.

“What? You don’t eat meat?!” Luffy seemed flabbergasted.

“I bet you don’t feel bad about cows or chickens,” Ace was much more defensive.

You just sighed and crossed your arms. “That’s not what I mean… whatever. Yes, I do eat meat.” You looked up at the huge animal for a few seconds. “Can I at least sketch it before you cook it?”

“Why would you wanna do that?”

“I already said that I catalog animals.”

“Weirdo.”

You wanted to punch Ace.

“Hey, hey, Wolfie, what’s your favorite food?” Luffy asked.

You held your chin and looked up. “Hmm… crab legs. I think.” Luffy hummed in response. “Or spicy noodles.” He hummed again. “Anything spicy, to be honest.”

It wasn’t without a reason. Your mother was a poison specialist. She made you and your brothers take small dosages of different types of poison not only to be able to recognize it, but to resist it. Turns out one of her poisons burned your taste buds and food became tasteless for months – until you ate a very very spicy pepper from Dressrosa and went oh, I can actually feel the taste of this. Your taste buds had healed, but your liking for spicy food stayed.

You weren’t going to tell them that, though.

“Never seen a girl that likes pepper,” Ace quirked his eyebrow up, clearly questioning you.

“You don’t know that many girls, do you?”

Ace blushed for some reason, but still looked annoyed. “Listen here, you brat–!”

He was interrupted by a growl.

You thought it was a savage animal nearby at first, but the sound was coming from too close…

It was Luffy’s rumbling belly.

“Ugh… I want to eat…” He tilted his head to the side as if he was suffering. “Crab legs… noodles… pepper…”

“You can’t take spicy food, Luffy,” Ace murmured.

“Yes, I can!”

They started arguing and you just watched in silence.

It was… interesting.

They bantered a lot. They punched each other and argued over silly things. Ace usually won most of the fights and arguments. However… you didn’t see genuine anger in his eyes not even once. You didn’t hear genuine insults meant to hurt. It was all silly, superficial – and they always got over it two minutes after it happened.

You wondered if that’s how siblings usually acted.

No. Don’t think of Urso or Crowley or Saqr… that’s not what you came here for.

So you looked ahead and spotted something, which caused you to stop on your tracks.

“Oh!” That caught their attention. “You guys have a tree house?”

It was well hidden in between the branches, but there was definitely a tree house some meters away at the top of an especially tall tree. The wooden structure looked a bit precarious and perhaps even abandoned, yet it immediately picked your interest.

“Did you guys build it?”

Luffy blinked and looked uneasy for some reason. “Huh…”

“It looks pretty cool!” An excited smile appeared on your lips. You gripped the straps of the backpack, ready to run. “I want to see it!”

“Wait, Wolfie–“ Luffy tried to warn you. Which was weird, because Luffy never tried to warn you about anything, so at that moment, you didn’t pay attention to him.

You were running towards the tree.

That’s when Ace yelled “No!”

The ground shook when he dropped the heavy crocodile. In the blink of an eye, Ace was towering in front of you, both of his arms extended to block your passage.

You froze on your tracks.

He… he looked angry.

“You’re not allowed to go there!”

His stance and his voice would’ve triggered normal you’s aggression. But that part of you was locked inside the vault – so all you did was widen your eyes at him.

“But it’s just a tree house,” you tried. That made him angrier for some reason.

“Do not get anywhere near that place!”

Luffy stepped closer, frowning. “Hey, Ace, you don’t need to get so angry–“

Ace turned his attention to him. “If you take her there, I will never talk to you again! Got it?!”

Luffy himself was surprised.

The oldest boy sent a last menacing gaze towards you before taking the crocodile on his own and marching ahead.

You just stood there, too shocked to say anything, for long seconds. Luffy sent you an apologetic look; it seems he didn’t know what to do, either.

...All older brothers are assholes, I guess.

Meeting Luffy’s “family” made you understand him (and Ace) much more.

Their house was deep inside the forest, in the middle of a large clearing. It was a big one-story house with a lookout, though it looked precarious. Many voices came from inside it.

The two boys announced that they had brought dinner. A couple of men wearing white turbans came from inside the house to check it. None of them seemed impressed that the kids killed a monster crocodile, which could only mean that wasn’t unusual. You stood there awkwardly for a while. No one seemed bothered by your presence.

That is, until a big ginger woman came out of the house.

Her hair was long and curly. She wore a white blouse, checkered green pants, a necklace made of red round beads and boots. She had two cigarettes (?) between her lips and the ferocious eyes that could only belong to a leader.

The woman immediately started scolding Luffy and Ace with why’d you take so long?! or which of you used all the sugar?! and your clothes are stinky, you better wash it before tomorrow! and you have to clean all the mess you made! and don’t you dare talk back like that, brat! and I will kick your ass if you don’t watch that tone! and then she finally laid her eyes on you.

She blinked.

You blinked.

“Hi.” You sent her a small wave. “My name is–

“LUFFY AND ACE KIDNAPPED A CITY GIRL!!”

It was like everyone finally noticed your presence at that moment.

The men gasped and gathered around you. The ginger woman fumed like a chimney – and suddenly everything became noisy noisy noisy, with everyone showing different levels of outrage.

“What a horrible thing to do-nii!” Said a short guy wearing a pink polka dotted overall who seemed to be already panicking.

“You guys really crossed the line this time!” Said another tall guy with a brown mustache and a weird wattle on the top of his head, looking at Ace and Luffy disapprovingly.

The woman grabbed the two buys by their collars and lifted them from the ground like they weighed nothing.

“You little psychopaths! This girl’s from High Town, ain’t she?! Why’d you bring her here?! You wanna get us all killed?!”

“What are you–“ Ace grunted, grabbing her wrist. “Talking about, crazy old woman?!”

“We didn’t kidnap anyone!” Luffy screamed. “She’s Wolfie and she’s my friend!”

“Friend?! Don’t make me laugh! Why would a little girl get into the woods like that–“

“Miss.”

She finally stopped to look down when you touched her arm softly.

“They’re not lying. I’m on vacation and came to visit Luffy.”

Silence.

She quirked her eyebrow at you with distrust.

“Where’re your parents?”

“In the city.”

“Where will you stay? It’s almost sundown, there’s not enough time to reach the city before night comes.”

You slipped the backpack to only one shoulder and shoved your hand inside the small pocket.

“I was wondering if I could stay here for two or three days…” You finally showed her what you were looking for – and earned a collective gasp. “...If you don’t mind, of course.”

A wad of cash.

She put the two boys down slowly.

The woman took it from your much smaller hand and removed the rubber band, counting the berries rapidly.

She then looked at you again – and for a moment, it looked like it’d take some more convincing–

But she grinned.

“Of course, darling!” She crouched down to come closer to your eye level – and all of sudden, the aggressiveness and distrust and even the wrinkle between her eyebrows were gone. She was all smiles and blushes and it was like flowers were floating around her head. Even her voice became sweet like honey. “Of course, why wouldn’t we take such a cutie in?! My name’s Dadan. We’ll take care of whatever you need!”

And then all the other grown men were smiling sweetly and blushing too, and the flowers multiplied. You heard I’ll prepare you a bedroom! and I’ll cook you a great dinner! and I can make you cute dresses– wait, why do you know how to make dresses?!

Such a drastic change.

Well. One thing you knew from the world of the adults is that there were just a few things money couldn’t buy.

Ace side eyed you with a frown. Luffy didn’t seem to mind and didn’t seem upset at Dadan despite what she just did.

“Hey, hey, Wolfie–“ He tapped your arm many times. “There are a loooot of beetles around here! And scorpions too! And–“

“Didn’t you said you wanted to draw the crocodile or whatever?” Ace interrupted with somewhat of a pout. “You better do it now before we skin it. I don’t wanna have dinner late because of you.” The older boy walked away with his hands inside the front pockets of his shorts.

“Right.” You nodded. Luffy’s shoulders dropped.

“You’re gonna sit down and draw now? That’s boring! I wanna play!”

“It won’t take that long this time,” you explained while searching for the sketchbook inside of your backpack. Luffy pouted.

You sat down on the grass and quickly started sketching the crocodile’s head from the side. You’d have to check on your Reptile Encyclopedia if this species was already cataloged… you hadn’t brought that book with you – it was way too heavy – and that’s why taking as many details as possible was necessary, so you could compare the drawing with the book images back home.

Meanwhile, everything was noisy behind you.

Luffy, Ace, Dadan, the other guys… they all made a lot of noise. A lot of insults and arguments… but a lot of laughter, too. All that noise wasn’t bothersome. In fact, it was much more comfortable than the mortifying silence that always hovered inside the Scarpia mansion.

You finished the sketch quickly and left everything aside to play with Luffy – and from there, time seemed to run. You played catch and played with a ball and played with a white dog that lived there. You rolled on the grass and jumped rope and played on a tire swing until it made Luffy feel nauseous. You raced too many times to keep count and taught Luffy each different species of bugs you saw inside the forest (though he didn’t remember anything a second after you finished speaking). And then suddenly your clothes were dirty and you were tired but you didn’t mind at all, because that tiredness didn’t hurt.

Finally it was time to have dinner – and the amount of food they cooked was a bit absurd, but everything smelled great. Everyone gathered to eat after bathing and changing clothes. Luffy was quite literally drooling.

“Let the guest eat first, brat!” Dadan reprimanded Luffy with a punch in his head when he tried to grab a piece of meat. You quickly filled your plate with rice, meat and a bit of salad before someone else could complain.

“That’s not fair,” Ace whined with a frown. “Why don’t we get this type of treatment? You never make this many side dishes.”

Dadan glared at him with fire in her eyes. “Because you’re not full of mone– I-I mean, because you’re not a cute, polite girl! Work on your manners first before you get special treatment!”

They started arguing.

You ate from your plate in peace. Luffy filled plate after plate after plate and for a moment you wondered if that giant crocodile was enough to satisfy him. There was a lot of noise, still. They talked loud. Yet, in your silence, you could still see that same thing from before. They argued and cussed at each other, but you couldn’t hear genuine anger or contempt or the will to hurt. Even Dadan who seemed the harshest of them all had that underlying care in her gaze, though you doubted Luffy or Ace could see it too.

Everything made your heart feel surprisingly at ease.

And made you feel something else too – but it was small and irritating, so you decided to brush it off.

“Hey, Ace, you’re losing to Luffy on something, huh?” That guy with a mustache – was his name Magura? – said at some point. He had a suspicious smile and light blush over his cheeks.

Both boys stopped eating for a second and went Huh?

Magura blinked prettily.

“Your younger brother got a girlfriend first than you. You better work on that!”

A room full of grown men giggled. Ace blushed furiously and started cussing.

You and Luffy looked at each other at the same time.

He blinked.

You blinked.

You both scowled like you’d eaten a very sour lemon.

“EEEW!!”

“Where are we going now?” You asked as soon as you stepped out of the house.

The morning smelled like dew, sap and damp soil. There were no clouds to cover the bluest sky you’d ever seen. Multiple birds chirped their melody, and you felt tempted to try to recognize the different species, but you wouldn’t have time.

Luffy had invited you to go somewhere.

“You said it was a party?”

The straw hat boy grinned. “Yeah! A birthday party for the Mayor! Makino throws a party for him every year. She bakes cake and a bunch of sweets!”

You followed him shortly, starting to feel a little excited. That was when you spotted Ace leaning on a tree nearby with his arms crossed. He looked… upset.

Luffy seemed to hesitate for a second.

“I’m going down to Foosha now, Ace!” He announced.

The other boy just shrugged in response.

That was… weird.

Luffy started to run, so you quickened your pace to catch up to him. His hat flew from his head and swayed with the wind while trapped by that thin rope around his neck. Soon, the house and the clearing were left behind.

“We can get to Foosha Village quicker using this trail,” Luffy explained. You nodded and kept silent for some moments while he yapped about cake flavors.

But your curiosity got the best of you.

“Luffy.”

“Hm?”

“Why isn’t Ace coming with us?” Luffy visibly stiffened. “Is he that angry at me?”

The straw hat boy coughed as if he had choked on something.

“He… huh… h-he’s not angry at you!”

“Why isn’t he coming, then?”

“Huh… hmmm…”

You watched very closely as sweat dripped down his forehead, his cheeks got flushed, his eyes very consciously averted from yours, a pout formed on his lips.

He almost looked constipated.

“H-He… he said he’s not a kid anymore to attend birthday parties!” Luffy looked extremely proud of himself for coming up with this answer. “Boring guy, isn’t he? Anyway, I bet you can’t get to that tree faster than me! Three-two-one-go!!”

He sprinted down the trail before you could get ready, making a cloud of dust on his way. You narrowed your eyes slowly.

That morning, you learned that Luffy was a terrible liar.

Foosha Village was about what you already expected – small with not much interesting going on. Not many houses, not many establishments, not that many people. The village port was small with only a few ships docked. The sea that surrounded Dawn Island was of a gorgeous blue, so calm that it could be mistaken by the waters of the Calm Belt.

Partys Bar faced this beautiful scenery.

Luffy stormed in unceremoniously and ran to the arms of a young woman of dark green hair – was that the Makino he talked about?

“Luffy!” She said sweetly while embracing him. “You came early!”

“The earlier we get, the more food we eat!” He giggled before leaning away.

Her eyes quickly found you. “And who is this little princess right here?”

Your cheeks got warm.

What did she just call me?!

“A friend of mine!” Luffy presented. “I brought her to eat cake!”

Makino chuckled. “Well, you two will have to wait, then. The cake’s still baking and I haven’t finished the decorations yet. Care to help me with this?”

You certainly didn’t care.

Makino brought an old box with decorations: ribbons, balloons, confetti and more. You sat on the bar stool and busied yourself with filling the balloons while her and Luffy glued the colorful tapes and little flags around the bar walls. His Devil Fruit ability came in handy in situations like this.

It was weird, this feeling you had. Unusual. The sound of the waves crashing not far from there. Trees swaying with the oceanic breeze. Chatter coming from the street. Luffy’s laughter and Makino’s sweet voice.

It was peaceful.

So peaceful that you felt your shoulders relaxing. For the first time, the “sonar” within you that kept constantly looking for potential danger was down. Yes, you knew that was wrong; it was against everything you’d ever learned. Never let your guard down.

But Landon wasn’t there. Nor your father or your mother. Crowley wasn’t hiding somewhere with a knife waiting for an opportunity to stab you. Saqr and his hound dogs weren’t anywhere near. Urso wouldn’t try to squeeze you to death… and you weren’t completing a commission, either.

You never thought you’d like to keep that part of you inside the vault, but turns out your life became pretty quiet when it happened.

Some kids entered the bar at some point. You couldn’t tell if Luffy already knew them, but they talked excitedly. Soon, they were outside on the street, playing.

You wondered for a second if you should join them, but Makino approached.

“That’s enough balloons, thank you.” She smiled softly. “Care to help me with something else?”

She guided you behind the counter into the kitchen. The place was filled with a delicious sweet smell of the cake baking inside the oven. Other than that, there were plenty of other snacks over the table at the center: some of them were obviously sweets, some looked deep fried.

“I couldn’t finish rolling the brigadeiros. The Mayor always asks for them,” she explained while walking towards the counter where a pan rested. “If I asked Luffy to come, he’d eat everything instead of helping.”

“He would.” You nodded and frowned slightly. “But… what’s a brigadeiro?”

Makino quirked an eyebrow. “You’re not from here, are you? If you don’t know what a brigadeiro is.”

Well. You couldn’t tell if you didn’t know what that was because you weren’t from the area of because you’d never been to a birthday party before – a normal one, at least. Maybe people ate this brigadeiro thing on the Grand Line, too. Who knows?

You repeated your lie, but decided to leave the Loguetown name behind. Perhaps Makino knew that it was also a common snack at that city, which would raise more questions.

After washing your hands, she proceeded to explain what to do.

“First, you have to coat your palms with butter so it slides easily… then, you take a bit of the chocolate dough from the pan with the spoon. It doesn’t need to be much. And then… you just roll it with your hands… until it becomes a little ball. This size is okay. See? Now you just dip it in the chocolate sprinkles and it’s done.”

It wasn’t a difficult task – and Makino was kind enough to let you eat some. After you picked up the pace, she let you do it on your own and went to take care of something else in the kitchen.

You couldn’t help but take glances at her from time to time.

Makino was delicate. The scarf wrapped around her hair matched with her long skirt; the thin pearl necklace also matched with her pearl earrings. She was agile in everything she did and sweet with her words. And that was also unusual.

Your mother – the only female reference you had – was the complete opposite of Makino. She was older, of course, but the differences didn’t stop there. Your mother was beautiful, too, and extremely elegant. But she was also cold. Distant. Black instead of colorful. Reprimands instead of compliments. Makino smelled of candy; Scilla Scarpia smelled of poison.

That made you feel a bit sad for some reason.

“What?” She asked at some point, and you realized you had been staring for some time. You stiffened.

“...Your earrings are very pretty, miss.”

Makino opened a wide smile and approached. “Do you want them?”

“W-What?”

“I have many earrings… these would look cute on you.” She narrowed her eyes and leaned closer. “Oh! How come you don’t have your ears pierced?”

You didn’t. You also weren’t used to wearing necklaces or bracelets or hair clips… nothing flashy or colorful. Your face was almost always hidden behind a white wolf mask anyway, so why worry about your appearance?

“I can pierce your ears later,” Makino offered. “But it hurts a little bit. Do you want it?”

At the same time… why not worry about your appearance?

A sudden smile and unexpected excitement bubbled within your chest. “Yes!”

The bar was packed a few hours later.

There were mostly kids. Conversation and laughter filled the air. Your ears stung a little bit, but you didn’t mind; you were too busy playing. Makino decided that it was time to congratulate the Mayor, so everyone gathered around a table to celebrate.

The Mayor himself – a short guy wearing a bucket hat, glasses and a colorful shirt – came to stand in front of the cake. After lighting the candles, they all clapped and sang happy birthday to you.

You looked around while everyone was too focused on the birthday man.

So many smiles. So much excitement and care. Little flags on the ceiling, colorful ribbons, balloons, a big Happy Birthday sign on the wall behind the Mayor. Everybody in that room knew him, all of them took their time to come to the bar and celebrate. Was he feeling appreciated? Was he happy and grateful?

His smile told you that he was.

Yesterday was your birthday, you remembered.

No one in the bar knew. Not even Luffy. You wouldn’t try to tell him and steal the moment. So, while you clapped and sang along, you silently pretended that it was all for you. It was silly and inappropriate, but you did it anyway. You pretended for a little over a minute that your birthday was filled with sweets and cakes and kids around your age to play with and music and laughter.

When the Mayor blew the candles, you silently wished it would be you in that place someday.

The moment was over soon. Slices of cake were distributed. Chocolate cake with strawberries. It tasted amazing. Makino had to stand near the cake to prevent Luffy from eating everything by himself.

The kids went out to play again. You followed, leaving this small moment of sorrow behind.

“Hurry up, you two. I don’t want to see you climbing up that mountain in the dark.” There were still a few hours left until sunset, but Makino was right. You had eaten more than what your stomach could take and tired your legs from running around so much.

Makino handed you a picnic basket: it had slices of cake, brigadeiros, coxinhas (which was something else you had never eaten before – a crispy fried snack in a teardrop shape filled with shredded chicken) and sandwiches. “These are for Ace and the others. I’m glad you’re here to carry it, because Luffy would end up eating everything on the way if I gave it to him.”

“Hey!”

She giggled and leaned down to hug Luffy. When Makino leaned away, she lowered her voice, but you could still hear very well when she said: “Tell Ace I’ll go see him tomorrow, okay?”

She then approached and hugged you. “Don’t forget to clean your ears with alcohol everyday.” Makino touched the pearl earrings softly and smiled. “You do look very cute with them!”

Your cheeks felt hot again. For whatever reason.

After waving your goodbyes, there you were making your way into the forest.

Luffy didn’t feel like running, which was a bit of a miracle. Even him could get tired… and you were thankful, because like that, he couldn’t run away from you.

You waited until you were out of the village to start.

“Luffy.”

“Huh?”

“Why didn’t Ace come?”

He stiffened again.

“Y-You already asked that, didn’t you? And I already answered.”

“I don’t buy it. There must be another reason.” You approached him until your shoulders bumped. “Come ooooon. I won’t tell anyone.”

Luffy made that weird constipated face again and crossed his arms. “I… huh… I don’t know! I have no idea! Hah!”

“I’m great at keeping secrets! You can trust me!”

“Seriously, I don’t know anything!” But he was sweating again and avoiding your gaze so much that his eyeballs were almost rolling inside his skull, so it meant it was time to play dirty.

You shoved your hand inside the basket and put a coxinha in front of his face.

His eyes widened.

“I’ll give it to you if you tell me.”

Luffy gasped.

He froze, his fingers trembled, his mouth drooled. It looked like he was facing the biggest challenge of his life. The coxinha smelled amazing. It was still warm and shining golden in its crispy fried glory.

For a second, it looked like he was raising his hands to grab it – and you were ready to sing victory.

But Luffy tapped his foot on the ground and whipped his head to the side aggressively.

“No!”

It was your turn to gasp.

Was it so serious that Luffy couldn’t even be bribed with food to tell the truth? That was surprising.

Admitting defeat, you put the snack inside the basket again and went back to walking. “Okay, then.”

You heard Luffy whine behind you and the tap tap of his sandals fast approaching again. “But we could eat one of them, right? They would never know.”

“You can’t eat just one. You’ll want the whole thing.”

“Nooo, I’m serious!” He brought both hands close to his face in a praying position and looked at you with round, begging eyes. “Just one? Please? Please? Please?”

You hesitated before admitting defeat for the second time that day.

“Just one.” Luffy giggled excitedly. “Eat slowly ‘cause it’s really gonna be the only one!”

He took one. You took one.

You chewed in silence.

This coxinha was another secret you’d have to keep. Another lie.

Luffy was a terrible liar. It looked like he couldn’t lie to save his life. Meanwhile, lying to you was easy… it was part of the job – sometimes you’d have to go undercover, and to get info on a target, you’d have to lie your way in. You were also used to lying to avoid punishments. It wasn’t hard to come up with something on the spot. Believable lies, sometimes only twisting the truth a bit to get what you wanted.

You lied to everybody here. All of these kind people that had been nothing but honest to you. All of these people calling you by a name that wasn’t truly yours. Wolfie this, Wolfie that… but Wolfie didn’t exist.

No one should see your face. No one should know your name.

But would you ever be able to make a real friend behind this mask of lies?

You wanted Luffy to be a real friend.

So you swallowed and gathered some courage.

“Luffy.”

“Hmm?” His mouth was full.

“I have a secret to tell you.” He seemed mildly interested. “‘Wolfie’ is not my name.”

You gave him your real name quietly – almost as if there was a possibility of someone else hearing it nearby. You decided to leave your last name behind. That would be too risky.

Luffy repeated your name. You nodded. He quirked an eyebrow. “So what?”

“I’m not from Loguetown. I’m not even from the East Blue.”

Luffy narrowed his eyes slowly, finally fully interested. “And why’d you lie?”

You pressed your lips and debated for a second if this was the right thing to do… but Landon wasn’t here, or anyone from your family, and the only thing with ears nearby was a squirrel and a couple of birds.

So you continued.

“I’m an assassin.”

You held your breath and waited for Luffy’s reaction.

He could laugh at your face and say you were lying. He could scowl and run away in fear. He could push you down the hill and tell you to never get near his family again.

But Luffy did what you least expected.

...He didn’t react.

At all.

He just kept chewing the coxinha as if you told him what you’re having for dinner.

“Why are you an assassin?” He asked.

“It’s the family business.”

“So your parents are, too?”

“Yeah.”

“And why do they do that?”

“For the money.” You shrugged.

“Hmmm.” He finished eating and rested both hands behind his head. “That’s why you’re rich.”

“Yeah.”

Luffy then frowned as if remembering something.

“Wait. Why’d you feel bad for the crocodile, then?”

That was an interesting question. “...I like animals. They’re irrational. And cute.”

“You think a monster crocodile is cute?”

“Uh-Huh.”

“Weirdo.” He was pretty much imitating what Ace said earlier, but you didn’t mind. “So. Do you like to kill people?”

That was another interesting question. No one had ever asked you that. You hummed and held your chin.

“I don’t like it. But I don’t mind it either. It’s just... work.”

“Sounds pretty boring.”

Your shoulders dropped. “It is boring.”

“So that’s why you’re here?”

He caught things pretty quickly. You nodded, an annoyed knot appearing between your eyebrows. “They don’t let me play. They don’t let me do anything! It’s just work work work, it’s just you have to honor the family or whatever.” Your voice sounded more whiny and bitter at each word. “They never even asked me if I wanted to be part of the business. Not that they have ever asked my opinion on anything.”

Luffy hummed again – but there was something a bit strange about his voice now.

His hat had dropped a bit, casting a shadow over his eyes.

“...You’re like Sabo.” Luffy’s voice was… strangely quiet. You’d never seen him speaking quietly before.

You tilted your head.

“Who’s Sabo?”

“My brother.”

“Really?” Luffy had another brother? You didn’t hear anyone mention that name. “Where is he?”

Luffy dropped his arms from behind his head.

“He… he died.”

That took you by surprise.

“Oh.”

Silence.

You’re like Sabo, Luffy said.

For some reason, you remembered Ace’s aggressiveness towards you… how he didn’t want to let you in that old tree house...

And something clicked.

Did you remind Ace of this dead brother? Was he somehow jealous of your presence… as if you could perhaps assume that empty spot?

You scratched your head and frowned. That didn’t make any sense since, well, you had enough brothers and you hated all of them. Why’d you want to have any more brothers? That’s not what you came here for. Ace was a few years older than you, but if your suspicions were right, then he was nothing but delusional and childish.

Luffy made a strange noise, which brought your attention to him again.

You leaned to see his face under the hat.

“...You crying?”

“I’m not!”

But his face was wet with tears and his cheeks were flushed and he had the biggest pout and he rushed to clean his nose with the collar of his shirt. Oh no, he’s actually crying, even though he was clearly trying to hold it in. What do I do?!

You weren’t one to cry. You didn’t even remember the last time you did. Wait, have you ever cried at all? Have you ever seen anyone in the family cry? Huh… no, I don’t think so. Never felt anything deserving of shedding tears, I guess.

“Stop staring at me!”

“Sorry!” You leaned away and crossed your arms. “It’s just that this is, huh, unusual.”

Luffy sniffed and frowned. “What do you mean unusual?”

You scratched your own cheek awkwardly. “Well. If any of my brothers died, I’d throw a party to celebrate.”

Luffy stiffened for a second – and you worried that you had worsened the situation.

But then he laughed.

He sniffed again and cleaned his face with his forearm. The tears stopped! Great! “You really are a weirdo. Is your family that bad?”

You scowled instinctively. “I don’t even wanna talk about them.”

“I don’t wanna talk about them, either. They sound boring.” Luffy sniffed again and side eyed you with a small pout. “Don’t tell Ace you saw me crying. He’ll smack me.”

“Okay.” It was your turn to point at him. “Don’t tell Ace my secret or I’ll smack you.”

“Right. Wolfie.” He used a funny tone to say that name while grinning, and it immediately made you smile too. Luffy was kind of slow, but he got the message. That name was forbidden, even though you decided to share it with him anyway.

Luffy knew the real you now – and he didn’t care.

“Can I get another one–?”

“No!” You took the basket out of his reach before he could sneakily stretch his arm to grab it. “I was serious! Just one!”

“But–“

“No!”

You brought the basket close to your chest and sprinted up the trail without looking back. Luffy’s laugh and the tap tap tap of his sandals quickly followed.

At that moment, while running from Luffy and getting deeper into the forest, while feeling the delicious smell of the food inside the basket and sap and damp soil, while listening to his giggles and the ones that erupted from your own chest, you got to a conclusion.

One year, zero failures – twenty five successful commissions, uncountable classes, uncountable boring hours of painful training… it was a fair price to pay for the happiness you could experience at that mountain, at that island, at this god forsaken corner of the world. No golden armor or cannon or warship could compare to that.

No money could buy that.

You were willing to do whatever it took to always keep this small island of peace intact.

[bekkathyst]

I have a bunch of different thoughts and memories I want to write out, but it may not be for you. I touch on some heavy topics in this post, so just giving a warning. This is more personal than anything.

I’ve been undertaking the project of organizing my jewelry-making crystal stash for the first time ever and it’s hitting me that I’ve collected tens of thousands of dollars of these gems over the last 12 or so years of owning my shop. It really gives me hope that I can rebuild my business up to the level it used to be. Or maybe even higher.

Up until we moved to Austria, hard years in my life were hard because of abuse, trauma, horrific things going on in my family or otherwise. Things I almost never spoke aloud. But last year was hard in a different way. It felt as if the cumulative damage of two decades of shouldering more than I could actually bear and taking care of way too many people finally caught up with me. It felt like the stress of moving continents pushed me over the edge.

I may have talked about it briefly, but sometime around late 2019 I started trying really hard to take good care of myself and I got into eating healthy and hiking. It helped me so much, and in 2021 I was in the best shape of my life and felt the best I’d ever felt. But after we moved here in 2022, something happened. That winter after, it was like my whole body fell apart at once and the health I had worked so hard to maintain just slipped away. I lost so much time to feeling so unwell I could barely make myself leave my house. I was constantly sick and miserable and it made my mental health slip, too.

I lost a lot of work. I couldn’t make myself focus and then of course this plus the plummeting economy caused a big hit in my business. This all came together to make 2024 the worst year my shop has had since it really started to take off in 2017 or so.

I started 2024 by falling down the stairs and giving myself a knee injury that took months to heal, and then later in the year I was hospitalized twice and diagnosed with a couple chronic conditions. I poured the rest of our savings into the shop to keep it afloat, and so I could allow myself to figure out my health and rest.

I’m so grateful I could heal, but now I’m facing all the consequences of those choices. I’m realizing if I don’t act fast and pull everything together, not only will I lose my business, but we’re going to have problems with immigration next month when Antonio goes to reapply for his residency permit. We have a month left to rebuild our savings and in order to do that, we have debt from last year to pay off. Right now we’re just barely staying afloat as it is.

But I keep envisioning the future. I can see a future where we catch up, flourish, and open a physical shop so we don’t have to rely on the ever changing algorithms that want to see small businesses perish. I can see a future where I can focus on my art and prosper. Where I continue to improve my health and refine my skills and learn and grow. And most importantly, a future in which we can give our daughter all she needs without a second thought. Maybe I’m delusional, but just 10 years ago I had similar delusional thoughts about moving back to Austria one day.

[pentapoctopus]

Unmet Needs, Forty Ways

On AO3

Are YOU ready to create your best self?

Eddie stared down at his phone screen, the harsh blue glow of it illuminating the disaster zone he’d made of his apartment. Whatever his best self was supposed to look like, it sure as shit wasn’t this. The curtains were drawn tight, blocking out the bright spring sunshine, allowing him to sulk in solitude and avoid the outside world as much as humanly possible. If his phone screen were to go dark, god forbid, he knew exactly what he would see in the sudden reflection: a slack-jawed, dead-eyed, greasy-haired goblin of a man.

Three weeks post-breakup, and he’d officially gone feral. Best self? Absolutely fucking not. If anything, he was dangerously close to discovering his very worst self.

You’re not lost! You’re just on the path to a better tomorrow.

Sure, dude. If you say so. Eddie felt lost as hell— not that the shiny, happy, better tomorrow guy in this Facebook ad would understand.

Nope, ad guy was visibly thriving: acai bowl in hand, glowing bronze skin, had probably never made a bad decision in his life. This was the kind of guy who actually stuck to a skincare routine, unlike Eddie, who only ever thought about that kind of thing during a manic moment of self-improvement, only to abandon it all after two days because he’d made it too complicated.

Eddie’s only routine these days was a reliable masturbation schedule— not because he meant to plan one or anything, but because he did it as often as he could, and that amount was very predictable. Recently, for reasons he was trying very hard not to think about, his jerking off had been limited by someone else’s rules, but now, to make a very long story short, there were no more rules left to follow. So, like a kid in a candy shop stuffing his face until he made himself sick, Eddie had been indulging— in everything— nonstop, for weeks. The constant jerking off wasn’t even a guilty pleasure anymore at this point— it was just his new default, a perpetual state of being even when he was mostly doing something else. He’d let his brain marinate in testosterone and oxytocin for weeks, and he could feel himself getting dumber for it.

That was the real Eddie Munson in his natural habitat— impulsive, undisciplined, and completely allergic to any routine that didn’t involve something with a flared base.

Nothing like Billy, in other words. Billy had always had discipline enough for both of them. But avoiding any thoughts about the breakup was exactly what had led to Eddie doom-scrolling on Facebook for— oh god, two hours?— so he shoved that thought down as far as it would go.

I’m Steve, and I’d like to be your coach, the ad proclaimed.

What even was a “life coach,” anyway? Whatever happened to actual certifications ? If “Coach” Steve was a therapist, he’d call himself one. If he was a registered dietician, he’d say so. But life coach ? That just sounded like a fancy way to say random guy with a website who charges people for common sense.

Hell, maybe Eddie was in the wrong business. But he immediately dismissed the thought with a laugh. Nobody in their right mind would look at Eddie and think, now here’s a guy who probably knows a thing or two about personal wellness . Nope, his vibe was more like, here’s a guy with a horrifying search history— and they would be right.

The ad continued: I help people optimize every aspect of their lifestyle…

He studied the photo again, trying to get a read on the guy. Coach Steve radiated serious rich-kid energy, from his polished haircut to his perfect posture. He looked like he’d be right at home on a sailboat, waxing poetic about his favorite brand of sparkling water, or whatever pretentious bullshit the one percent were into these days.

And yet… There was something , just a whisper of counter-culture about him that Eddie couldn’t quite put his finger on.

Statistically, Coach Steve was probably the worst kind of person imaginable: a corporate gym rat who threw around words like “synergy” and “grindset” while convincing other rich guys that they were all self-made men.

But then again, the neighborhood Facebook group where Eddie had found his ad was the last place in the world he expected to find that kind of person. The rules of the group “Indie&Apolis” made it very clear that although not exclusively queer, it was undeniably progressive— the kind of well-moderated online space where finance bros didn’t just happen to find themselves by accident, where any content that even hinted at centrist politics would be laugh-reacted into the sun.

Curious, Eddie checked the guy’s group history.

A member for… over two years.

Huh.

Loathe as he was to admit it, there was the teensiest, tiniest chance that against all odds, Coach Steve might be a good dude. A deceptively chill, golden retriever of a guy who just happened to be built like a lifeguard.

Eddie wasn’t willing to bet on it yet. But he wasn’t ruling it out, either.

… every aspect of their lifestyle, from exercise, nutrition, stress, sleep, and finances.

He paused, and raised an eyebrow. For the first time in days, Eddie’s chapped lips tugged into something like a smile. Because that part, he understood. In fact, there was probably nothing he understood better than the appeal of dumping out his entire brain onto someone else— like a miserable old lady upending her coin purse at a cashier and saying, Here, you count it.

As a lifestyle submissive— well, until recently— he knew exactly how comforting it was to have someone else to play game master, to handle all the decision-making so he didn’t have to think so hard. Sure, it probably made him emotionally and disciplinarily bankrupt, but at least now he knew that about himself. At least now he knew for certain that he was useless unless a hot guy told him what to do.

And Coach Steve? He was definitely a hot guy who told people what to do— professionally, no less.

An idea occurred to him that he wasn’t exactly proud of. This guy was hot enough to make him do just about anything . For this man, he would eat any number of kale salads. For this man, he would do push ups until he puked. For this man, he would quit plugging— or, plug even more? Whatever the hell he wanted, honestly. It was no secret that Eddie wasn’t the brains behind the operation— all his decisions would either be made by the whims of somebody else, or his own hormones. But if someone as hot as this Steve guy asked him persuasively enough, Eddie would probably go fully celibate and thank him for the privilege.

For this man, Eddie would do anything— or, at least, he was deeply curious about being proven wrong. And the best part? Steve would never even have to know why. Eddie was no stranger to busting his ass for scraps of approval. And if he got a little sexual gratification out of it without making it anybody else’s problem, then where was the harm in that? His brain simply wasn’t built to generate discipline from scratch, so store-bought would have to do.

Telling himself to take better care of himself, to eat a vegetable, to stop indulging his every fantasy, to go outside and touch grass, had never once worked for him. But have a hot guy issue those same commands? Suddenly he was certain he could move heaven and earth to make it happen.

And wasn’t that basically what Coach Steve was offering?

Call it accountability buddies or lifestyle coaching or whatever— that was all just branding. But a freak like Eddie had no problem calling it what it was— a praise kink with an invoice.

But the thought of hiring a fucking life coach was so unlike him that Eddie had to laugh at himself for even considering it. Maybe the situation was dire enough for Eddie to do something so out of character— but was he really desperate enough to pay for the privilege?

CLICK HERE to sign up for your free consultation!

Huh.

Well.

“Fuck it,” Eddie muttered, clicking through to the next page and brushing crumbs off his chest. “Not like things could get any worse.”

Keep reading on AO3!

[myonmukyuu]

Art Summary: 2024

I've been posting my art online for 11 years! wowie!!

My yearly review is under the cut (1.8k words):

Previous: 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 | 2023

Happy new year everyone!!! This is actually the first time in a long time that I've not posted my yearly summary on the 31st. I was a bit caught up with visiting family and being a good host so I didn't get time.

Anyways! Time for my year in review that no one reads except for me the following year. 💪💪💪

How this year went:

I think this year went... alright? Let's see, what did I get up to...

Ah. Okay! Art-wise it went "alright" but life-wise I had a pretty good year! Got a boyfriend! Got a cat! Went on two holidays (Japan, USA)! Visited family! Met a lot of online friends! Went to a bunch of concerts! (YOASOBI, Nijigasaki 6th, Hololive Down Under, Miku) A pretty eventful year ✌✌✌✌

But this is actually an art year in review so I'm going to focus on that! And... yeah, I think I went 'alright'. I don't feel terrible about how I went, but I also don't feel amazing? C+ or B- I think...

How did my art go?

Like I said, I think I went 'alright'. I felt very rocky several times in the year with periods of art block and a good chunk of time where nothing I drew felt 'right'. Was it burnout? Maybe. It took me some time to find my footing again. It also didn't really help that I had a lot of "interruptions" throughout the year. Traveling, getting sick, artist alleys and stuff really messed with my momentum. I did a lot of individual little works rather than comic works. I'm not exactly happy with that but it's something to look at for next year.

In terms of raw, technical skill I'm not really too far from where I was last year. But to be fair, after drawing for a decade that's to be expected. While I want to be always improving, I know that's not always immediately visible. That being said, my shikishis are a lot better than the first ones I made! (But technically it's more like my traditional skills are catching up with digital skills???)

Like I mentioned earlier I spent a lot of the year feeling "lost" when drawing. It was kind of like I forgot my own style? In my eyes that made a lot of the work shakey in quality at best... But excluding that fact, I'd like to highlight that I should probably revisit fundamentals. I think when I'm feeling lost, stronger anatomical fundamentals and linework would probably ground me a bit better. Will that be something I look at in 2025? Who's to say 🧍‍♀️

In terms of comic works I think I under performed in terms of quantity. And IMO they were affected by me feeling "lost" while drawing some of them. If I were to revisit them I'd probably touch them up.

I liked how the comics turned out though. 😊 (more in the next section)

My 2024 Goals and how I did:

This is the part where I read what I wrote last year and check if I acted on them at all ✌

As always, it doesn't really matter to me if I fulfill these goals or not. What's more important is the "why". It's good to be aware of what is important to you and what isn't.

“Draw more comics.”

Last year I was dissatisfied from a lack of comics. I think I released 1 doujin... and posted 2 mini-comics? So I don't blame myself for being so dissatisfied. Like I said, I’m a story-teller first, illustrator second.

I blamed an art block that had me eventually scrap a 20 page comic that was drafted and lined. I wasn't satisfied with the storyboarding at all. Because I was burned out, the storyboarding was done in a very direct/ dull way so I wasn't happy with it. But, it was a cute idea and I probably should've finished it. (It's like throwing a month of art into the void.)

While I've decided not to salvage that comic, I've taken the experience to heart. This year when I went to the US, I was interrupted while working on a comic I will be uploading somewhat soon. It took about 5 months to finish the comic. Which is a lot for a 14 pager. And that reason is because I was similarly dissatisfied with it. The paneling and the script just felt like it could be better and I wasn't happy working on it. But instead of randomly dropping it, I just re-storyboarded it until I was happier. The comic isn't posted yet, but I like it sooo much more than the initial draft! So my lesson going forward is to put more focus on my personal satisfaction. This isn't my job, it's a hobby I'm passionate about so I should always prioritise my own feelings!

I did end up drawing slightly more comics though. So technically I've "fulfilled this goal". I still don't feel satisfied with my productivity but it's an improvement.

“Push those shikishi to the next level!”

This goal is pretty self explanatory. Like I said, I think I've improved my shikishi craft quite a bit. I've also experimented with various materials like craft flowers and foil! The road of improvement is long and I still have so much more to learn but I'm fairly happy with how I've done.

There is one stipulation though, which is...

“Do artist alley, but don’t burn out!”

...burn out from doing too many artist alleys.

I did explicitly remind myself not to do too many, but I ended up doing 4 this year. I think this had a direct impact on my productivity and my overall satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy doing artist alley with my friends. It's very rewarding. But it's also clear that I've been shooting myself in the foot. While I enjoy making shikishi they're not very sustainable for populating an artist alley table. When they've sold, they're gone. And it becomes empty space on the table. It isn't like prints or keychains where you can mass-produce some more. It could take me weeks to fill my table again. And I think this is where my productivity feels very strained.

"There's a con coming up... so I should prepare! I guess I should put this comic on hold while I work on shikishi/print stock." <- this ended up happening a lot this year. When it comes to making comics I'm really momentum-based where I have to basically hyper focus. So when my momentum is broken, I have a hard time going again...

And focus issues aside, when I combine it with the holidays I've taken I just haven't had as much time to work on comics in general.

It'd be convenient if I aimed to print every comic I made as they're completed (then you'd have a cycle of new prints on the table every time) but I'd rather aim towards thicker books/ bigger projects.

My problems would probably be solved if I made more prints or keychains and the like. I wouldn't have to be so pressed. But again, I know the issue just stems from me. I don't enjoy those things as much and I really want to specialise in shikishi and hand-drawn art along side my comics.

This year I want to be more selective with my tabling. Either that, or draw faster lmfao .

“Actually start planning that next story”

LMFAO what a big joke. I didn't do much on this.

I actually changed my sights to a few more scale ideas, so I'm not terribly fussed by this. Priorities change sometimes, y'know? What's important to me is that I'm still working towards something.

Goals for 2025:

With all of that in mind, here are the goals I've set for 2025! There's a lot so I don't expect to do them all. I would be happy to select a couple of things 😊. Step by step y'know?

"Draw more comics" (Repeatable Quest)

Continue my setsuayu anthology

I'm working on a bunch of little setsuayu stories I'd like to combine into a collection! I don't know if I'll finish for sure, but I'd like to make more progress.

Make non-setsuayu works

I've been bouncing ideas in my head for R3B1RTH comic ideas. And YuShizu. I've always liked these characters so I'd like to finally dedicate some time to them.

Honestly this goal is so incredibly malleable. I don't see it productive to set a static number of works I'd like to release. Because what really matters is if I make work I end up happy with. I could even end up drawing comics that are completely different in topic but still feel satisfied!

"Improve at art" (Repeatable Quest)

I made this goal super broad too because there's a number of things I want to try doing.

General:

study painting techniques

I think more practise with realism and still-life painting would do wonders for me. It'd give me more familiarity with tone and values that would help me in general. I also would like to make little shikishi with still life!

study composition

Recently I bought a textbook about this topic. My composition skills... could be better! It's truly a mystery how I've made so many comics. When I feel stuck with comics, I get the feeling that not being familiar with composition techniques contribute to that.

Traditional:

Continue producing shikishi

This one is a no-brainer! I still want to do artist alley! I still want to practise shikishi more! Not too much to say here specifically since everything else contributes to this.

Learn how to paint

When making traditional pieces, I'm not limited by media. So why not go more multimedia? Specifically I'd like to try a workshop with watercolour painting, or even gouache! Copic markers, although fun to use do have weaknesses. It'd be good to learn more about different media and how they interact with each other to create more interesting pieces moving forward!

Continue to experiment with craft/media

I did a piece with foil this year and it was pretty neat! (but a bit shoddy since it was my first time haha). I'd like to go further and continue designing pieces that use other materials in different ways.

I've also bought special inks that I'm excited to use as well!

"Improve my actual health"

Okay this one is the hardest goal... For context towards the end of this year I've been really tired. By what? I'm not that sure. I'd take multiple power naps a day and still feel sleepy. And I'd get 8 hours of sleep each night... And it's not like I'm restless when sleeping. I sleep perfectly fine but there's always a blanket of exhaustion....

Anyways I think I should eat healthier and get more exercise in. I think it would help my productivity more. (Less snackies for me 😢)

If anyone read this, damn that's crazy!

Let's have a good year!

[save-the-villainous-cat]

[How about a fluff angst idea. Hero taking on a suicide mission, knowing the outcome but not minding it. Spending a lot of time being depressed made them careless with their life, indifferent. On the opposite villain made it to hero in time and saved them before supervillain got to do permanent damage. So now villains at their lair taking care of hero's injuries and them being emotionless, still and numb at the villains hands to be taken care of. Villain tries their best to be as sweet loving and kind to hero and embrace even their dark parts

It turned out that blood was rather difficult to get out of clothes. That was nothing new to the villain but mixed with their undying frustration, they were quite sure they would never be able to clean the hero’s suit.

Their once happy and optimistic hero had turned into a shadow, almost a stranger and the villain wasn’t sure if they would ever get their sunshine back. For over a week now, the hero had been in bed. They were healing, no doubt but the villain was more concerned about their mental health.

Physically they were alright, not fine but doing well enough to walk a little and eat on their own. A broken arm, a few broken ribs — that was it. Both of them were used to such injuries.

The villain looked down at their hands, wet fabric twisted in their fists. They sighed, already expecting that this would be a task for tomorrow. Before they went back into the bedroom, they dried their hands and thought of yet another way to cheer up their hero.

A long time ago, they had met during a robbery for the first time. Robberies had turned into kidnappings and kidnappings had turned into flirty dates. Regrettably, they weren’t more than that. Maybe if the villain had been braver, maybe if they hadn’t been so obsessed with their own projects, maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened if they had actually told the hero about their own feelings.

“…I was thinking of sushi tonight, what do you think?” the villain asked quietly. The hero was still laying in the villain’s bed, back towards them, saying nothing.

Sometimes the villain was actually scared the hero had died miraculously but no, they were alive. More or less, they supposed.

“I can also order burgers if you want to, I don’t mind,” they added but it didn’t change anything.

The villain walked up to them to sit down at the edge of the bed. Even though the couch was a little less comfortable, they didn’t regret offering the bed to the hero. It was the least they could do, wasn’t it?

“Hey…” The villain put their hand on the hero’s shoulder and leaned over to look at them. “It’s alright.”

And then they saw the tears. One shiny drop after the other rolling down the hero’s face.

Of course, they were hesitant at first. What were they supposed to do? For that, they cursed themselves.

“Hey, woah…” The villain choked on their own words. Carefully, they heaved up the hero and fully sat down on the bed themselves. Their hand wandered to the hero’s hip and to their shoulder and they tried to be as gentle as possible as they pulled them towards them. They held them in their arms, hyper fixated on the hero’s injuries. “We’re okay.”

The hero leaned into the touch with their face pressed against the villain’s chest.

If they had had the chance to swap places, the villain would have agreed. The hero’s spirit was broken and there was no sign of improvement.

“I’m not gonna leave you,” the villain whispered into their hair. “I’ll stay right here, okay?”

The hero nodded weakly and the villain looked down at them. They brushed away the hero’s tears gently with their thumbs, as if they could break the hero even more if they did something wrong. Their cheeks were burningly hot but both seemed to enjoy the touch.

“I’m so glad you’re safe,” the villain said softly. “I was worried sick about you. I promise I will take care of you.”

Somehow that felt like a confession of love. The villain hoped the other didn’t realise it.

For the rest of the day, they held each other and even in the night, they didn’t let go.

[poshbiscuit]

Hello! Me again. I’m aware that largely, you won’t care all that much about my personal life, and you’ll be sick of me banging on about this, but I feel as if I should keep you guys in the loop rather than go radio silent!

The good news is that my mental health is slowly and steadily improving. I am starting counselling (yay!) and getting back on my feet.

The bad news is that recently, a close family member passed away. Recently as in yesterday, actually. Not good, to say the least. It came as a shock to everyone, and has thrown me for a loop. I am not saying any of this to garner sympathy, by the way! I appreciated all of your well wishes on my previous post very very much, and I thank you all for being so lovely, but it is not at all necessary. I just want to be transparent with you, and give you an idea of maybe when I’ll get back to writing, as rocky and unpredictable as life seems to be at the moment.

But yes, a breakup, death, and mental health spirals aside - things are looking up.

However, university is completely kicking my ass. Although I am feeling better and slightly more motivated, I genuinely don’t have the time to write even if I wanted to. So, the hiatus is continuing I’m very very sorry to say.

But - let me also say this:

Yours, Veronica will be finished. Maybe not soon, maybe not now. In fact, it might be years. But I will absolutely not leave it unfinished. I have spent far too much time on this project, and you guys in the very least deserve to have a completed story like I have promised. So, please allow me a little more time. I will continue to better myself, grieve for the time being, and continue counselling, etc. until I am at a point that I am ready to go. I will also find some free time to write whenever I can, it might just be rare and scarce.

Thank you guys for your patience and I’m sorry for all the gloomy bad vibes I’ve been posting on here recently! That’s life, I suppose.

Much love,

Posh xx

[lionlena]

Unforgivable mistake (JoelMillerxreader) Part 6

Summary: Reader is much younger than Joel and is in love with  him. One night, after arguing with Tess and getting drunk, Joel spends  the night with a reader, but in the morning he breaks her heart…  She  runs away from Boston hoping that she will never meet this cold bastard  again in her life. But almost six years later, she unexpectedly sees  Joel in Jackson. She decides to hide herself and her little secret from  this asshole.

Warnings: age gap (reader is about 28 years, Joel 58),  strong language, swearing, past trauma, bullying, attempted rape, memories of sexual abuse, unprotect p in v,  dom!Joel, Joel is asshole, ANGST, hurt, sadness and heartbreaking, sexual harassment, women abuse, violence, injury, sickness.

Part 6

"Mommy, you should kiss Joel."

You nearly dropped the laundry you were hanging outside when you heard what your toddler said. You looked at your son in shock.

"Where did that idea come from, honey?"

Teddy sighed and said, "Because Joel is sad and you always give me a kiss when I'm sad and that helps."

"Oh" was all you could say.

Joel had actually been sadder for the past few days. He was even more reticent and didn't even react to Ellie's taunts. You didn't know if it was because of your talk about forgiveness or the fact that Maria and Tommy were expecting a baby. Well, You thought that was good news, but did Joel was jealous? He had Teddy, after all. He got a second chance.

"Mommy."

You heard your son's impatient voice and realized that "Oh" wasn't considered a sufficient answer. You knelt down next to him and said, "I'm afraid it doesn't work on adults as it does on children. I think Joel might feel weird if I kissed him."

Teddy frowned. "Then hug him... You hugging Aunt Claudia when she's sad."

"You hugging him, and that's better than my hug."

Your son made a sad face, and you felt like you let him down. In his childhood mind, sometimes everything was so simple and you envied him that.

"You know what helps me when I'm sad?" The little boy looked at you curiously. "When you give me drawings and flowers. Maybe after I finish work at the stables, we can go to the meadow so you can pick flowers for Joel?"

"Okay, but if that doesn't help, promise me you'll hug him."

You sighed heavily and nodded your head.

At the stables, you were still thinking about what Teddy said. Maybe you should talk to Joel? He didn't really have anyone in Jackson except Tommy, Ellie, and Teddy... And you. He still had a strained relationship with his brother, and the children were hardly suitable for serious conversations. So everything was on you. And your two relationship has improved. When you saw him, you didn't just think about how badly he hurt you, but how he changed for the better.

You stopped brushing Jupiter for a moment and looked back to see your son, who was throwing straw into an empty stall. In fact, he lost most of the straw along the way, but he looked so cute. He wanted to help you, like his dad.

You were so lost in thought that you didn't notice that you were approaching to place where another horse had bitten Jupiter. The wound still hurt him, and though he was a nice horse, he reacted to pain like any other animal. He whinnied loudly and jumped up sharply. You managed to dodge the kick, but you staggered and stumbled. You hit your head on the post that was between the horse's boxes. It got dark before your eyes and the last thing you remember was your son's frightened scream.

*

Teddy knew he had to call for help. He ran out of the stable and began to run as fast as his little legs would allow him. However, he passed several people and did not stop. Even when someone tried to stop him. In his mind, only one person could save you.

"Joel!" he shouted as he saw a familiar figure.

Joel was just walking with Ellie to the dining room when he heard his son scream. He immediately turned around and knelt down to catch the kid who practically ran into him. He immediately noticed that the little boy was terrified.

"Teddy, what happened?"

He gently grabbed his shoulders and started looking for any injuries, but the baby boy seemed to be fine. Teddy struggled to catch his breath, tears streaming down his face.

"Mama," he finally choked out.

Joel was immediately overwhelmed by a wave of terror.

"What about mom?" He asked.

The boy barely spoke. "Ho… Horse... Kick" he said between sobs.

Joel didn't need any more. He looked at Ellie, who seemed as scared as Teddy.

"Stay with him. I'm running to her."

The girl nodded and grabbed the boy's hand as Joel ran to the stables.

*

When you woke up you felt a terrible headache. Your ears were ringing and your vision was blurred, but only one thing mattered to you. Your son.

"Teddy," you croaked.

You got up with difficulty. You felt like a newborn foal that couldn't catch its balance. You slowly took a step by step, sticking to the wall. As you were about to leave, Joel suddenly ran up to you. He grabbed your sides and held you tight.

"Y/N, what happened?"

You heard the worry in his voice.

"Jupiter got angry... I jumped back, but I think I hit my head on something hard... Where's Teddy?"

Joel stroked your cheek, then ran his hand over the back of your head and was relieved to see that there was no blood on his fingers.

"Teddy is with Ellie. He's fine. He's just scared."

As soon as you heard that, you felt your strength leave you. You stayed on your feet only because fear for your son was your motivation. Joel immediately lifted you up and said, "Okay. You need medical attention."

"No" you moaned and rested your head against his chest. "Just not Anderson."

Joel sighed. "Then what am I supposed to do?"

"Take me home and call Wanda. She used to be a nurse."

"Okay," he whispered and brushed his lips against your forehead, and you just closed your eyes.

*

An hour later you were in bed and listening to Wanda's instructions. Teddy was cuddling up to your side. He had stopped crying but was still very scared. Ellie was sitting on the edge of the bed looking at you with worried eyes. Joel stood next to Wanda and carefully listened to her.

"It's definitely a concussion. She should not move. Let her sleep a lot, rest, and drink plenty of water. Someone should stay with her overnight. If she starts vomiting, she may choke."

"I'm not going to vomit," you muttered. You were slightly annoyed that the woman was talking like you weren't in the room.

Joel just gave you an indulgent look and replied, "I'll keep an eye on her.”

When Wanda left, he came closer to you and stroked his son's head.

"Hey, 'bear cub', mum will be fine. Why don't you and Ellie go to the meadow and collect flowers for mommy?"

Teddy looked at you with those puppy eyes he inherited from his father.

"Will this help you, mommy?"

You nodded your head and he immediately jumped off the bed and grabbed Ellie's hand pulling her towards the exit. Joel was still staring at you.

"What?" you asked.

He bit his lip and muttered, "I was worried about you, I'm still worried about you... I don't know what I would do if something happened to you..."

You were surprised by his confession. You might even hug him if it weren't for the constant dizziness.

"I'll be fine and you don't have to do all this for me."

Joel stepped closer, knelt by the bed, and grabbed your hand.

"I'll take care of you and Teddy. I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel better."

You smiled slightly and nodded your head.

In the evening you were really surprised how well Joel handled the baby. You thought your boy would be very cranky after a day like this... And he was, but Joel made it. After he put his son to bed, he came back to you and sat in the armchair to watch you all night.

It was weird and embarrassing for you at first. You thought you wouldn't be able to fall asleep next to him, but his presence began to soothe you and you fell asleep.

*

Joel stretched out in an armchair and tilted his head back. He yawned and closed his eyes. He thought that nothing would happen if he took a nap for a while. Your sleep seemed restful. Before he could fall asleep he heard the patter of small feet and after a while, he felt Teddy climb into his lap. He opened his eyes and smiled softly.

"Hi, 'bear cub'."

The baby boy glanced towards the bed: "Mummy still sleeping?"

Joel combed the boy's curls. "It's night. She should sleep. Just like you."

The little one shook his head and looked at him, and despite the dim light, Joel could see traces of tears on the baby's cheeks.

"You were crying, baby. What happened?"

He pulled the boy to his chest and hugged him tightly.

"Will mommy die?"

Joel replied immediately. "No, 'bear cub'. Of course not. She'll be fine. That's why I'm here to make sure everything is okay."

Teddy nodded and murmured, "Tell me a story."

Joel frowned. "We have to go get the book."

"No," the little one moaned. "Your story."

"Oh. All right." He thought for a moment. "I'll tell you about the Boston Angel."

"That angel was pretty?"

Joel smiled and nodded. "It was basically she, and she was the most beautiful angel I've ever seen. She was also sweet and kind. Even though Boston wasn't a pretty place, she was always able to find something beautiful and show it to the children. She bent down to tie a little girl's shoes and gave food to the homeless dog, and she always smiled."

"And did she bake cookies like Mommy?"

"Yes. She was the perfect Angel, but she met the bad man." Joel sighed heavily. He didn't know why he made up this story about you two. He felt the little boy tugging at his shirt.

"And what did the bad man do?"

"He broke the angel's wings and made the angel sad."

"But why did he do it?"

"Because he forgot how to love and only remembered that losing someone you love hurts a lot. So instead of loving an angel, he preferred to hurt her." He stroked Teddy's curls. "But the angel managed to escape Boston, and then her wings grew back and became even more beautiful and stronger. So strong that they could carry her wherever she wanted."

Teddy yawned and asked, "And the bad man? Has he changed?"

Joel didn't know what to say. He hadn't expected such a question. He swallowed and replied, "He's tried hard to change and... I hope one day he'll be good and the Angel will see it."

You felt tears running down your cheeks. You woke up as soon as you heard your son's voice, but you were still tired and did not react. You knew Joel would take care of the boy. So you heard the whole story about Angel and you couldn't believe it. Joel thought you were asleep, so he didn't say all that just to win your favor.

There was silence and you guessed that Teddy had fallen asleep. You went back to sleep too.

*

Joel slowly got to his feet, holding gently the sleeping boy, but something was bothering him. The baby's body was too warm. He kissed the boy's forehead and wondered if you had a thermometer somewhere in the house. He gently placed the baby on the bed and carefully covered him with a blanket. He didn't even get out of the room before he heard a plaintive whine, "Joo."

He quickly returned to the baby and began to calm him down. "Shhh, I'll be right back."

The little one stretched out his arms towards him with another pitiful moan and began to cry. Joel sighed and took the boy in his arms, wrapping him in a blanket.

"It's okay 'bear cub'. Do you know where mom keeps the thermometer and medicine?"

The little one sobbed and pressed his face against dads shoulder, muttering, "Not sick."

Joel rolled his eyes. He realized that he had to fend for himself. And so he held the baby with one hand and searched the kitchen cupboards with the other. He found a thermometer, bandages, a hot water bottle, and medicines that he knew were not for children. He took the boy back to the room and took his temperature. He had a fever.

"Teddy, does your tummy hurt?"

"No," the boy moaned.

"And here?" he asked and touched the boy's chest.

"Only the head."

Joel frowned. He stroked the boy's back and said, "Stay here a minute. I'll check on mommy."

"NO!"

Teddy started crying and Joel panicked. He didn't want you to wake up. He quickly lifted his son and began to gently rock him in his arms and place kisses on his wet, hot cheeks.

"Shhh, shhh, 'bear cub', it's okay. We'll go to mom together, but you have to promise me you'll be quiet. Okay?"

The little one whined and nodded his head. Joel breathed a sigh of relief, though he knew he had a rough night ahead of him.

He carefully looked at you and was relieved to see that you were still asleep. By this time, the boy had already fallen asleep and Joel was able to put him to bed.

And so for the next hour, Joel wandered between your room and Teddy's room. Unfortunately, the boy woke up again and started crying.

"I want water," he sobbed.

"I'll bring you."

"Do not go!"

Joel sighed heavily and took the boy in his arms. The boy immediately clung to his body tightly. "We will go together."

Unfortunately, the boy was very moody. When he saw the blue cup of water, he wailed loudly and Joel started to panic. He didn't know what had happened and tried to calm him down.

"It's okay... Shhh, tell me what happened? Teddy, baby, 'bear cub'..."

And as if he didn't have enough problems, You walked into the kitchen. You heard your son cry and your maternal instinct was stronger than your dizziness. You staggered into the doorway and grabbed the doorframe with difficulty.

"Y/N" Joel gasped and immediately started walking towards you.

He wrapped his free arm tightly around your waist while the other still held Teddy, who was crying in his ear. Joel led you to a chair and carefully sat you down. He started rocking your son and you looked at the blue mug on the table and said, "He doesn't like that color. You have to give him a red one."

Joel breathed a sigh of relief and quickly grabbed the red cup. Teddy finally calmed down, drank some water, and fell asleep in dad's arms, but his behavior made you uneasy. You knew that such trivial things as the color of the mug only made him cry when he was ill.

"Joel, does he have a fever?"

The man reluctantly nodded. He didn't want to worry you, but he couldn't lie to you.

"He has a fever and a headache, but otherwise he's fine. He doesn't cough, he doesn't have a runny nose. I've been looking for some medicine for him, but I haven't found anything."

You sighed heavily. "They're over. I was going to go to Anderson's, but... You know."

"I know. If he's not better by morning, I'll go with him to that asshole."

You looked at him scared. "No... I can't do it."

He came closer to you. "Hey, I said I'll go. You will stay. Everything will be fine. I'll take care of everything and now I'll put the little one to bed and come back for you."

"Put him in my bed. I want him close and try to put cold compresses on him to bring down the fever."

Joel nodded and did as you said. He put Teddy in your bed and then came back for you. He wrapped his arms around you to take all your weight. Once you were in bed, he returned to the kitchen and fetched a bowl of cold water and a small kitchen towel. You watched as he knelt by the bed and gently touched Teddy's forehead.

"You have to change the water in a while."

"I know," he said and smiled slightly at you. "Don't worry. I'll be here all the time."

You sighed and closed your eyes. You carefully cuddled up to your little one and hoped that the baby boy would recover by the morning.

Unfortunately, Teddy still had a fever in the morning, like you, he didn't like the idea of visiting Anderson. He cuddled up to you and looked at Joel like he were a traitor. The man reached out to him, but the toddler consistently ignored him.

"Come on, 'bear cub', everything will be fine."

Ellie, who had already come to you, also tried to help. "Teddy, the doctor will just examine you. I and Joel will be with you."

You knew you had to intervene. You gently pushed him away from you and kissed his nose. "Honey, you know Joel will always protect you. Go with them. Mommy needs to stay in bed."

The little boy finally nodded and let Joel take him in his arms.

"Bunny" he sadly whined.

Joel kissed him on the head. "We're going to get your bunny."

After they left, you looked at the teenage girl. "Ellie, make sure he doesn't do something stupid. And I'm not talking about Teddy.”

The girl shrugged. "Okay, but I'm not promising anything."

You fell back on the pillows and closed your eyes. Your head was still spinning and you knew you had to rely on Joel.

*

The atmosphere in Anderson's office was so thick that could have cut it with a knife. The two men stared at each other with pure hatred. Eventually, Ellie intervened. She grunted loudly and muttered, "I don't know about you, but I don't want to spend all day here."

The doctor snorted. "Put him on the table. I'll listen to his lungs."

Teddy immediately moaned plaintively as he was separated from his dad's body. Joel looked at him sympathetically. He kissed his forehead and whispered, "It will only take a moment."

Teddy hugged the stuffed bunny tightly to him. Anderson looked at the little boy irritably and hissed, "Should I examine him or the stuffed animal?"

Joel clenched his jaw. He felt his head start to ache. He'd had a really rough night and was losing his patience with this prick. He carefully took the toy out of his son's hands and tenderly said, "Ellie will take care of your bunny for a while."

Tears welled up in Teddy's eyes, but he nodded and watched as Ellie gently hugged his toy. Meanwhile, Anderson, without any warning, pulled the boy's T-shirt up and held the cold stethoscope to the child's body. Teddy squeaked and jumped. Only Joel's quick reaction saved him from falling off the table.

"What are you doing?" he growled.

Anderson shrugged. "It's not my fault he's as weak as his mother."

And that was enough. Joel handed the boy into Ellie's arms and gently pushed her towards the door. "Wait with him in the corridor."

Ellie nodded her head. She herself was furious with this asshole.

As she disappeared through the door, Anderson hissed, "What, are you going to break my nose again?"

Joel smiled in a way that made Anderson uneasy and he took a step back. Joel pulled a knife from his belt and lunged for the doctor. He pushed him into the chair and with one hand squeezed his throat so that the man couldn't scream.

"No, I'll do something much worse to you," he growled from the back of his throat. "Now listen to me carefully. You will treat my son as your most valuable patient."

Anderson's eyes widened in shock. "Teddy, this is your..."

Joel laughed. "Yeah, and you'd better think it over." He slid the knife into the doctor's crotch. "You have body parts that are not needed. Without them, you'll still be useful."

Anderson swallowed and nodded. "I will be gentle..." he squeaked.

Joel nodded. "All right."

He opened the door and took the boy in his arms. He smiled and kissed him on the head. "Come 'bear cub', Mr. Anderson will be very nice now and apologize to you for hurting you."

He looked at the doctor suggestively, and the man nodded. "I'm sorry Teddy." He started heating the stethoscope and said, "He can stay in your arms while I examine him."

The rest of the examination went smoothly and Anderson was kind and gentle. When he had finished, he said, "Everything seems fine. Did something stress him out?"

Joel frowned. He wasn't sure if Anderson didn't know about your accident or if he was pretending. "Yes. He had a lot of stress yesterday."

The doctor nodded. "This fever, it could be a stress reaction or a mild cold. I'll give you pills, for him. Give him half now, half tonight, and half tomorrow morning. The fever should go down."

*

When they got home, Joel told you how the doctor's visit went. Of course, he skipped the part about the knife threat but you guessed something had happened when your son said, "Mr. Anderson was a bit rude, but then Ellie and I left and when we came back, he was already nice."

You looked suggestively at Joel, and he tried to avoid your gaze at all costs. Then you shot a disappointed look at Ellie. "You were supposed to keep an eye on him."

Ellie shrugged. "This as..." Joel grunted significantly. "This fool, he deserved it."

You shook your head and hugged your son as he began to fall asleep. You didn't really care what Joel did. All that mattered was that he got Teddy's medicine.

*

After three days, you finally felt fine. You weren't dizzy anymore and you didn't lose your balance. Your son's fever has also stopped. It was evening when you got up and decided to eat something. There was an unusual silence in the house. It was still early, but Teddy was already asleep, tired from the impressions of the last few days. But where was Joel? He took care of you all the time and you were impressed with how well he handled everything.

You walked into the living room and saw him sleeping on your couch. He looked so peaceful and you didn't have the heart to be mad at him for falling asleep in your house. You guessed he was dead tired after two nights of watching over you and Teddy. Plus, you knew your sweet little son turned into a little monster when he was sick. One minute he wanted juice, the next he was spitting it out and crying that he didn't want juice. And maybe he got it from you. Well, maybe, just maybe, you had Joel bring you a glass of cold water, and after five minutes you decided it was too cold and asked him for hot tea. And he, without whining, without a grimace on his face, obediently went to the kitchen. So yes, he had a right to be tired. You grabbed a blanket from the armchair and gently covered him. Then you crouched down at his face and felt that old sentiment. Joel's hair always looked as soft and fluffy, as your son's. Made to be combed with your fingers. And before you could stop yourself, your fingers had already sunk into his gray curls.

Joel blinked his eyes and you quickly pulled your hand away. He looked at you and started to move, but he was very clumsy.

"Sorry... I'll be up in a minute," he mumbled.

You shook your head, put your hand on his shoulder, and said, "You deserve to rest, sleep."

You saw how tired he was and that he was still half asleep, so when he spoke you weren't sure if he was aware of it.

"I wish I could have looked after you while you were pregnant."

You sighed heavily and understood. That's why he was sad. He wasn't jealous at all that Maria was pregnant. He was sorry because it reminded him of what he had lost and made him feel guilty.

"You're taking care of us now. That's enough," you whispered.

You ran your hand through his hair again and he closed his eyes and purred like a cat. A slight smile appeared on his face, and you thought maybe your son was right. Your touch really made Joel stop being sad.

A/N: Okay, so yeah, I messed up the timelines about Maria's pregnancy. I just forgot to mention it before, and it suited me perfectly here. Doctor Google told me that children can have fevers because of stress.

Part V

Part VII

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[obsessivecelestial]

Ahem ahem,,, I supposed I need to make a lil appreciation end of the year post :3

Imma try to get to as many people as I can, and if I forget you, it’s because I’m fighting off a sickness so I’m a lil out of it!

@stormbreaker-290 I don’t really know where to start, but you’ve genuinely brightened my year! You’re very funny and sweet and I always find myself smiling and literally kicking my legs whenever you post anything! You’re an amazing friend and I’m happy to have somebody to share my interests with!! Your art is also amazing and I adore it so much! I love when you show me little doodles you make :3

@bumble-the-sun-bee if it weren’t for you, I never would’ve ever met Storm of any of the people I now know! You’ve played the biggest part in this and I couldn’t be more grateful for you. You were one of the reasons I started experimenting with my art and why I’ve improved because of your silly little virus guy! You’re also just enjoyable to talk to and I love seeing all the art you make. It’s motivating and inspiring every time you post and I can’t thank you enough for introducing me to all of the people I know. You’re also very kind to me and I appreciate that!

@eternal-soup SOUP! You’re, again, so amazing! I really really love playing Roblox with you, and I really appreciate how you put up with my shenanigans and constant talking. You’re also so sweet towards me and others! Your voice is soothing to listen to as well and I thought you should know! :3c thank you for drawing things for me and being my friend for the months you have! And I hope we continue to be friends! You’re silly and sweet, and I find that you make me happy a lot!

@multifandomcutie13 we don’t talk a lot or interact to much, but when we do, you’re very kind! You seem like you’re a sweet person and I hope to grow our friendship through time!

@escapetheslaughters we also don’t talk a lot, but you’re still my friend! Your roleplaying is so entertaining to read and I can’t wait to interact and roleplay with you more! Your random posts also get giggles out of me, and I find joy in being apart of your blogs!!

@purplelordstudios hii!!! We actually haven’t properly spoken since Pinterest a few years ago! And I also have to thank you for being my friend back then and I hope we can maybe become good friends again now! You helped me through art and gave me some motivation for it back then, and now I enjoy seeing how you’ve grown and how your art has changed over the years! I hope to draw our OC’s together again! It’s been a while since they’ve last seen each other!

@jackamaryllis you know who you are to me, and I love you so so so much. You’re been with me my whole life, you’ve been my longest standing friend and I cannot thank you enough for that. You’re hilarious, you’re creative, you support and help me just as I do you. You’re one of the closest people in my life and I don’t ever want that to change. You mean the world to me, and I physically cannot imagine one without! I can’t wait to see you again and I can’t wait to cosplay with you again! You’re kind and you’re smart and you’re just the most amazing person I can ever ask to be in my life!

@compulsiveimpairment @bipolar-sad-and-ready-to-cry @bittyfromquotev @wonders-sunlight @pinkieglitterheart @redvelvetstars22 @animatronic-assistant @upsidedownapple @achickennamedcheese @kibblenoodlesnail

^

All of you are also so amazing, and I can’t thank you all enough for being in my life and being my mutuals! Some of you we don’t talk, but I still think about you and care for you all deeply!

I hope the new years treats every single one of you well and it’s a good year! You’ve all impacted my life in a good way and I thank you all for that. I love you all dearly /p

Happy new years (eve)!! 🫂🫂🫂

[laurrelise]

i’m rewatching tua season 4 because i guess i once again need confirmation that it’s just as bad as i remember …

but ive been told im too negative about the season on more than one occasion so im going to be positive and name a bunch of things i like about each episode of the final season!! <3

warning: this post is decent sized lol

today we are tackling: episode 2

i do love the beginning montage of the siblings all being sick while simultaneously using their powers to improve their own daily agendas if only it featured more than just 3 of the siblings…?

i love five’s assistant twink and also how he’s called mr. five at the grand old age of 19 years old (i know he’s 64 but shut up)

lila’s eyeball lasers and the rubber ducky

luther being devastated over the place being “destroyed” even when it was a literal shithole to start off with

viktor finding his VOICE. viktor with CONFIDENCE. i love you viktor “ill kick your ass right now” hargreeves. king, you are 4 feet tall, but eat him tf up

“why is it cold” “the real question is, why would you touch it”

five slapping diego’s hand out of the way and him not even trying to fight it is so them and i love it

viktor actually attempting to kick ben’s ass (and as much as he looks like a feral little gremlin, i love it)

luther’s “DUDE! I LIVE HERE” he’s such a grumpus

also viktor’s little speech about him building a life for himself and it all being fucked over because of ben’s dumb ass

“i could’ve lost my job!” “did you?” “wh-” and five looking up at him with wide eyes and genuine curiosity. not the time king but thanks for asking

allison eating ben tf up and klaus supporting her

“i’m not going back to that old klaus. i like this klaus! hey, he collects coupons! he’s frugal, respectable, reliable, and most importantly, he’s a klaus that claire likes. and trusts and looks up to.” THIS IS SO SAD I LOVE HIM

diego pulling ben back to the couch by his hair is such brother behavior

i do love the wanda van. she’s truly iconic

will forever love that five gets the front seat because he’s the old man. if i were his sibling i wouldn’t even try to take it. shotgun is for the senior citizen

the gag about baby shark not being able to stop playing for the entire several-hour long road trip is pretty alright comedy-wise i guess although it would’ve been much funnier if baby shark wasn’t the main goddamn song in the entire season’s soundtrack

i will never shut up about how much i love the love-hate banter from all of the siblings. the actors did such an amazing job bringing the dysfunctional family back to life.

ben getting humbled in the diner was pretty satisfying. sparrow ben i’ve never been your biggest fan but you’ve grown on me

luther’s mention of sloane is so sweet if only she’d been mentioned more than twice

luther is generally adorable i love that man

viktor saying “phones work both ways, yknow” when allison said he didn’t call. i love how much confidence he’s found in himself this season, quite possibly one of the only characters who wasn’t horribly assassinated trait-wise

diego throwing the axes, i love him. also lila’s unimpressed reaction always gets me

klaus with the TAROT CARDS!!!!!! yes please i wish he’d used them more

i do actually like jennifer’s character. the truman-show town thing was so interesting even if it had relatively no effect on the plot for the rest of the season, it had potential but i love that jen matches ben’s freak in the sense that she is absolutely not afraid to call him out on his bullshit

old man five trying to blink :( so sad poor guy

also five immediately pretending to stretch when lila calls him out

once again i love lila and five’s reluctant alliance. why couldn’t they just continue being frenemies for the love of god

five noticing the singular guy looking at them and mentioning it to diego and lila and she says “maybe he likes you” STEVE BLACKMAN YOU COULD’VE PUT FIVE WITH ANYONE ELSE. STEVE BLACKMAN WE COULD’VE HAD A ROMANCE BETWEEN FIVE AND THE ELF STARING AT HIM AND IT WOULD’VE BEEN BETTER THAN FIVE X LILA. STEVE BLACKMAN WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME

ben defending jennifer awwwww

five’s subway station to different timelines will go down as being endlessly awesome if only it hadn’t been created solely so steve blackman could fulfill his own weird ass ideas

diego and lila once again trying to convince the other to let them save the day is a very often-overlooked sign of love that i refuse to ignore. they do it like 3 times in the show and it gets me every time

“i have laser eyes im more powerful than you!” “they’re not even working right now!” “they’re gonna work i feel it they’re gonna work!!!!” lila i love you you’re so cute

“I TOOK OUT THE TRASH” hey btw diego it’s not the time

ok but diego’s flip where he redirects all the bullets… idk how i completely forgot about that part (probably because i was busy thinking about all of the other things that i hated) but it was SO fucking awesome stfu

diego and lila collecting reindeer stuffies for the kids even while they’re fighting for their lives is still so adorable

klaus’ positive affirmations. klaus I LOVE YOU

klaus accidentally finding a fake jennifer is so on brand for him NVM HOW DID I FORGET THAT SHE LITERALLY SHOOTS KLAUS

i LOVE the part where luther’s shielding allison and viktor from the bullets. especially when viktor tears out of his grasp like a feral little gremlin and takes out half of the shooters

still don’t know what the hell allison’s power is???? is it the rumor thing except she only has to think it instead of saying it?!!? idk but it’s cool i guess just wish it was explained more!!!!!!

luther’s “i should’ve known, those sconces were too perfect” he’s all upset but i can’t help but smile he’s literally a 5 year old

the car flip is so fucking cool. the glass flying around the van around everybody is so good, the “carol of the bells” is so menacing and simple, five absolutely serving while everyone else is screaming and flinging around in the back

ALSO DIEGO’S ARM GOING OUT TO PROTECT FIVE. fuck i love them so much. STEVE BLACKMAN FUCK YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO FIVE AND DIEGO

jennifer’s little “help me, ben” as she gets carried away is so tragic oh my god. and his little reach out to her as she’s taken. fuck

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, jean and gene are such phenomenal villains. nick offerman and megan mulally are phenomenal actors. christ on a cracker why couldn’t they have been utilized in a plot that was actually written well

and that’s the end of the episode! only positivity around here folks! :)

…

just kidding here’s some of the tiny little things i caught that i don’t like / that make literally zero sense

luther screaming “no! no! no” when his monkey body is back (for some fucking reason???) is so heartbreaking the poor guy hated himself 💔

i love the whole subway station thing but how the hell did five accidentally blink into the station when he was just running but couldn’t when he was genuinely trying lmfao

it’s absolutely wild that five deadass blinked accidentally and then just hopped on the subway even though he was just running for his life. if the writers genuinely believed five wouldn’t have immediately returned to help his family and checked out the subway later then they need to be fired immediately. thanks

it will never not be funny to me that literally every single person in the town has a huge gun. was that much security really necessary 😭

the part where klaus dies and they give him marigold even though he stressed 100% that he didn’t want it makes me so sad. i get why they did it (he literally would’ve died if they hadn’t) but the panic in allison’s voice as she holds her dying brother and tries to figure out if it’s right to give it to him against his will is so heartbreaking

KLAUS’ “what did you do?” WHEN HE REALIZES HE’S GOT HIS POWERS BACK IM SOBBING

ok and that’s the end

the first couple of episodes weren’t too terrible in my opinion? so it’s understandable that i’d find plenty more things i liked than i disliked in this episode. also all the things i pointed out that i liked were tiny little details when most of the season’s flaws imo were huge arcs / plot points that span multiple episodes so they might not be as relevant in a post of this format !!

might do this when i watch the rest of the seasons to truly identify if i really am too hard on this season (i don’t believe i am considering how many much smarter people have also stressed the issues with this season but it was fun so i might do it anyways)

anyways thanks for reading goodbye

[greg-montgomery]

Obsessed with the idea of you dating Aaron (and you don’t work for the BAU). As your relationship naturally progresses, you take on a pretty big part in caring for Jack while Aaron is away.

Since you know that Aaron doesn’t always get to spend as much with you and Jack as he would like, you’ve taken it upon yourself to send him updates throughout the day. Pictures of the two do you at the park and little messages like “I think jack has been hanging around Morgan too much. When I asked him what he wanted for dinner he told me we should just to the store and see what the vibes are.” Along with a photo of what you ultimately did end up making for dinner that night.

Maybe you’ll even send him some photos of yourself. Little reminders about how much you love and miss him and you’re proud of him.

Aaron loves it. It improves his mood. Makes him a little lighter throughout the day. Because of the nature of his job and how often he’s out in the field, he can’t always respond right away. But the little messages, those little pieces of home are such a balm and comfort to the horrors he’s often subjected to in the day. When he does has a moment - while the team is eating or on the jet, he’ll catch up on all the little bits he missed. He often worries about missing out on jack’s life. Not just the big events like holidays and birthdays but also just the little stuff. Seeing his sense of humor evolve, finding out what he likes and dislikes, growing his own personality. So he loves the little bits he gets from you. It’s his daily affirmation that there’s more to life than just the sickness he sees all day long. Outside of being “hotch” and “unit chief” he’s also just Aaron. He’s a father to a sweet little boy that loves superheroes and soccer. He’s a boyfriend to a wonderful partner that he loves. it’s his little reminder that makes the hard days and the most grueling cases worth it. He’ll tell himself- You’re doing this for them. So the people you love can live In a safer world. You couldn’t make the world safer for Haley, but you can still do it for them.

But maybe one day - someone makes a quip to you about how often you’re messaging him. “He’s got a lot on his plate you know. Don’t you think that’s a distraction from his job? I’m just saying it seems pretty clingy to me.”

And it works it way into your brain and makes you self conscious. Are you being too clingy? Are you the desperate girlfriend that can’t tell when she’s overstayed her welcome? When you look back on your messages, you do have to admit that it seems like a lot.

So you back off.

Aaron has been zoned in on the case, working against the clock to save lives that he didn’t realize the lack of buzzing throughout the day. When he gets back to the hotel and doesn’t see a single message from you, it concerns him. Obviously, he worries for your safety. It’s not like you to not talk to him at all. What if you’re hurt? He sends a quick message, not wanting to cause alarm even though his heart rate has increased exponentially.

“Everything alright, honey?”

Your reply is short. “Yeah. We’re all good here!”

His brows furrow at this. It seems odd to him but he tries to calm himself down. No pictures. No little updates on what you did today. He figures if there’s anything truly wrong, any danger, you surely would say something. Maybe you and Jack are just really tired - maybe you went to the park or went swimming or something.

The next day, you send a photo of Jack on a Pokémon Go walk in the neighborhood, face scrunched in concentration while he tries to catch a mewtwo. It helps calm his nerves. This was a good sign, things were probably going back to normal.

But then the third day - it’s radio silence again. He can’t help his thoughts turning the whole situation inwardly on himself. Were you getting bored with him? Maybe you were getting frustrated with the fact that he was away and you seemed to play nanny to his kid more than being an actual girlfriend.

He calls you but you insist on everything is fine. You’re just a little tired or you and Jack didn’t really do anything interesting that day so there wasn’t much to share. Aaron slightly rolls his eyes at this. There isn’t anything that you could do that he wouldn’t find fascinating. He tells you this but you seem to just brush it off.

He’s good at what he does and he can tell there’s more than what you’re telling him but you keep insisting everything is fine and his own insecurities that he’s built up over the last couple cause him to drop the subject. He doesn’t want to push and potentially make anything worse.

When the case is finally wrapped and the team makes their way back home, they can tell something has gotten under hotch’s skin. Their normally stoic boss is wiggling around in his seat like his ass is on fire. It was a bad case and maybe he’s just on edge from the brunt of it all.

One thing they aren’t used to seeing though, is him there alongside the rest of them, going home at a normal hour. They can’t help but tease him about the whole affair, “I guess there’s a certain special someone that you can’t wait to get home to, huh hotch?” He chuckles along with them but secretly his only hope is that there still is a special someone waiting for him when he gets there.

When he does walk through the door, the first thing he notices is the emptiness and the quiet. His heart sinks. On autopilot, he moves to your shared bedroom and he instead of you, he finds all of the bedsheets missing, the closet door open and your suitcase missing from the spot on the top shelf.

No. No. No. he panics. You packed up. You left. He stumbles out of the bedroom, calling out your name, calling out jack’s. His voice cracking. He hears a door open down the hall and there’s his son. “Dad! Come here” he tried to brace himself for what he might find. Jack looks physically fine, no immediate signs of distress. When he finally makes it, he sees you huddled up under a blanket fort, popcorn and chocolate and stuffed animals tucked underneath the mountain of blankets. And your suitcase. With the handle extended to hold up the weight of the sheets above it. He breathes a sigh of relief. You haven’t left. You built a blanket fort with jack.

you finally do talk about it - after Jack has crashed from the sugar high. When he asks you what’s wrong, he’s not prepared when you say, “I’m a burden to you, Aaron.”

“Where the hell did you get that idea from?” He can’t hide his shock. So you’re blurting it all out to him. He’s Confused. Kinda pissed about the whole event. How dare someone make you feel like you and his son are an annoyance to him in any way? His sweet little family that he loves and adores. You have an understanding, especially after Haley, he doesn’t want to miss out on his life anymore and if that means 2,000 texts a day then he will hand his entire salary over to his phone company to make it happen. He loves that you don’t try to make him feel bad for being away, you understand how much he loves the team and you love seeing him work. But you also know that his family means the would to him too and the fact that you’re willing to accommodate that isn’t something you should ever feel ashamed of. He’ll spend the whole night proving it to you.

THE ANGST IN THIS IS DELICIOUS 😫

aaron loves your little texts and updates during the day 🥺 he loves seeing your face and his son’s light up the screen of his phone! it’s what keeps him going when a case gets too much. it’s what he looks at when he feels disappointed in the world :(

so when you stopped doing it, a weight was suddenly placed on his chest. tbh he probably got flashbacks from all the fights he had with haley about his job :(( so he’s terrified history will repeat itself :(

meanwhile you’re also very :(( bc you’re worried that this random person was right and maybe you did annoy aaron with all your texts and updates. you know he loves you but you’re worried that he doesn’t have the time or energy during his very important job to care about your silly messages.

and aaron coming home and freaking out you left 🥺 i know the tears were in the corners of his eyes ready to spill :((( all these coincidences were just too cruel.

but when he finds you and jack simply having the time of yours lives he feels such a sweet relief! bc you’re still there and you love him <333

when you talk about it you agree that the messages not only aren’t gonna stop they’re gonna be even more frequent now 🤭🤭 and you also promise you’ll never let another person affect you with words like these. aaron loves you more than anything!! and you should not believe anyone but the man you adore <3 so when he says he loves you and your little messages, it’s true 🥹💞

[pigeon-gryphon]

A kinda long vent about a few different things

The appeal of art styles is subjective. If you regularly practice the skills you want, you will improve. It’s the curse of nearly all creatives to never be fully satisfied with their own work, but you can still shoot for the moon and land among the stars, and so on

I know all this and yet I cannot fully believe it about my own work. Before I went to college for graphic design, I did art a lot more frequently. At first I just drew various dolphin species, obsessively, for the hell of it. But then I was in art RP groups for a few years, in which you and your character need to be charismatic to get to do much in depth RP. And unfortunately, I was socially inept and allergic to making my characters conventionally attractive. Though, in all the RP groups, my characters and I were initially welcomed enthusiastically, but then over time, people got increasingly cold toward me and some others, and I'd be left trying to guess what exactly went wrong. I'd spend a year trying to impress the fellow RPers with my art and stories, and trying to be encouraging about their works, hoping to charm them into playing dolls with me. Then I'd give up, rinse and repeat with another RP group for a year.

But anyways- I was at least able to apply fundamentals of what I’d learned from hobby work, to college work. And I can still enjoy the process of actually doing these things, I mainly get discouraged by the end results. And probably 'cause of that discouragement, I have a hard time motivating myself to get going with either hobby stuff, or new portfolio pieces anymore. I feel like none of my preexisting college work is good enough to get a job, ‘cause no one will respond at all, just radio silence. I get paranoid that all my past, present and future visual works, whether formal or hobby, are objectively mediocre, even though that’s nonsense, and I wouldn’t think such a cruel, irrational thing about anyone else’s work.

I’ve been heavily considering going to college for programming. I find programming fascinating, I think it could pair well with graphic design, and I’d like to try being a solo indie game dev someday. But if you want to get a job in either graphic design or programming, you gotta really stand out. I’ve had many art accounts, and I’ve never been able to stand out, even back while I was more active. I hate competitions of any kind. Everyone should have an equal chance of surviving, we shouldn’t have to compete in any way just for a chance at basic life necessities.

Maybe I shouldn’t have gone into graphic design. But now that I have the degree, it feels like it would be a waste of time and money not to do something with it. Even if I find motive to hone my skills, what if it kills my chances of learning to just humbly enjoying making hobby art. Getting the feeling that everything I do should be “extraordinary”. But honestly, the art RP groups already damaged me.

What if going into programming is also a mistake? Although it’s just two more years in college (as opposed to three years for graphic design), it could be a waste of yet more time and money if I fail to do something with this, too. But I don’t know what else to do, I’ve researched all kinds of jobs and it’s so hard to know what I might be capable of doing decently, while also having at least a slight chance of getting a job. So many fields have low chances of getting work.

I know that there’s technically no time limit on many things in life. But I’m sick of having no income of my own. So many things in life require money. Thanks to gst cheques, I can at least afford care for a few small pets, and getting the occasional already-cheap indie game on heavy discount. But not much else.

One of the biggest things I long for is the chance to finally start dating. But it feels like a really bad idea to try to get into a serious relationship without an income. Either people will keep looking for someone who can help earn money, or you end up dangerously dependent. Also, I’m not as androgynous as I’d like to be yet. I could save up to get things to help with that, like a binder, but I’m too scared while I’m stuck living with my queerphobic parents. Last year, I got my hair cut shorter, and a side shave that can be covered at times when it’s best not to look too alt. And my mom initially said it looked nice, but then later (according to my sibling) called me a dyke behind my back. Which I wouldn’t have minded if it wasn’t said by someone so allocishet, in a negative context. And I’d like to try cutting it even shorter someday, but although they probably wouldn’t kick me out for being too openly queer, I’m a cowardly crybaby afraid of confrontation, so I don’t want to go too far until I finally get to live elsewhere. Plus, I want to date queer people, and I wouldn’t want to risk my parents being shitty to them.

But after years of longing to be held by some person my age, I get impatient and frustrated sometimes. I wish I didn’t have to jump through so many hoops to finally get an income first. I wish I could just hold someone’s hands and we can forage for free food in the wilderness that doesn’t belong to anyone. And then I doodle crap, and I don’t lose the joy of creating after it’s done, ‘cause I’d finally be free of any want or need for external validation. If only.

As things are, I can only try to crumble into complete, incapacitating mental illness. Therapy might be worth a try if it wasn't yet another expensive thing. Plus, my dad's a therapist, so if I got therapy while living with my family, I'd have to be very discreet about it, especially if it was a local therapist. 'Cause I know my parents would be offended that I won't just talk to them, and might even accuse me of sabotaging my dad's business. But I've tried free helplines, but they're either mediocre, or make me afraid of being forcibly institutionalized. I could get some kind of medication, 'cause any potential side effects couldn't be worse than what I already go through. But if my family found out, they'd be really judgy, 'cause they're biased against psychiatric drugs. I need to figure out how I should try changing my life soon, though, 'cause I can't stand the lonely rotting anymore.

[walmartbrandwhatever]

I’ve never done one of these asks before so I’m not too sure I’m doing it right. But, I have been thinking about your figure skating au non friggin stop because it’s just so adorable and it got me thinking…. What if Marcia had a series of bad teachers and that is why she’s so hard on herself about figure skating? Like all her old teachers just treated her horribly and it made her just feel terrible and want to quit, but she also didn’t want to quit because she loved skating! She just hated how she was being treated. And she didn’t know that it was wrong for her to be treated like that. She knew that when you get into a sport you have to put in effort, you have to be able to take criticism, and you have to be strong, and you cannot be a “crybaby” about everything! So she just pushed through. She just wanted to be good at something 😕. Marcia just assumed that the teachers knew best because, well they’re teachers and she’s the student, and that she should listen (even if they were not TEACHING, instead, they were BULLYING A CHILD)! Now she just feels like she has to do good, she has to be good, or all that training, all that working till she was sore and exhausted and sick, was for absolutely nothing. She has to be good or it will all go to waste and she will never amount to anything else! Because what else can she learn at 16?? Most careers like dance, figure skating, gymnastics—all that stuff ends when a woman turns 30 (most of the times even younger)! So she feels like there wouldn’t even be a point. So she’d just be stuck. With some boring job in the future that is not something she enjoys like figure skating! (I feel like she would always worry about her future and how her career would BE in the future). I’m kinda getting off track lol. I know firsthand what this is like to get bullied by a teacher and it SUCKSSSS. Anyways I hope this is okay and if it’s not then I am so, so sorry! There’s like not any implied rules about this app which I get, it’s an app, it would be kinda silly to have such strict rules about everything. BUT IT IS NERVE WRACKING NOT KNOWING WHAT I’M ALLOWED TO DO WITHOUT IT BEING INSENSITIVE.

GOD YOU GET IT. Like imagine hard teachers ON TOP OF Trip who is working their asses off and yelling at Marcia everytime they mess up 😔. Marcia always just wanting to be good enough in every universe lives rent free in my head unfortunately. Like she pushes and pushes until she physically can't anymore because sports are supposed to be a challenge right?

Also it's so cannon to me that Marcia struggles with anxiety so her constantly worrying about getting somewhere in life and not just being another blank face to the world is so important to me. Like maybe I'm projecting a little but she doesn't want to be nothing, she wants someone to know who she is so she works so hard to improve only to be told she's not good enough and that she needs to try hard.

Her meeting two-bit being the light that shines a light on the mistreatment she faces. Like him watching her practice and him finally hearing and realizing why she beats herself up over the littest things. Like two-bit literally being so gagged he has to go and talk to soda and see if he's crazy or not. Soda in turns goes and is like talking to cherry basically saying how insane it was only for cherry to shove it off as normal because unfortunately she's had her fair share of rough teachers before landing with the one she has now. Soda having to shut that down so quickly being like "uh no actually that's not okay??? Cherry please know that's not okay" ughh. I fear I could talk about this for hours. I still can't stop thinking about two becoming a therapist for people in sports like ugh. All of the stuff he sees with marcia and darry making him realize how much was wrong in the industry and him wanting to help change it.

GUYS IM SO SICK. This au has taken over my life I fear.

[waltzing-rats]

MUSASHI HIGH SCHOOL HEADCANNONS

Tenga too!! Pretty Please

Wow okay! Thanks for the big ask anon!

(This is all my brain being silly mixed with my personal interpretation of the characters. If anything seems ooc i am sorry, and feel free to share your own headcannons on these two!)

High School Headcannons

Musashi ‼️

To me, he seems like the kind of person who gets along with literally everyone (especially the jocks) but has a hard time actually making close friends. I think he misses the BIC sometimes (and onigawara yoohoo)

Y’all know how in season 3 ep 1, he says he basically has no plan for high school and expects to help out at his family’s farm afterwards? Well, what if he runs into the same problem mob has in s3 and basically has an existential crisis. :)

Like. Maybe he can’t focus on academic stuff and he feels bad about it, so he pushes himself a lot in sports, to the point where people have to tell him like ‘dude you’re gonna break your bones’.

On a lighter note, i think it’d be cute if, during weekends, he and Tenga do study sessions so they can both stay afloat (and hang out more often)

Tenga helps him with essays and language subjects while Musashi helps Tenga with biology and geography :3

This is more of a self indulgent one, what if he joins the school hockey team huh. What then. C’maaahhh he’d look STELLAR in those uniforms

His guy classmates sometimes talk about the girls they’re talking to, or just general romance stuff, and he sits there like •_• i do not think this man’s love life improves

To add onto the hockey thing, I’m certain that the BIC takes him to dinner after games. It’s like a ritual

Goes for a run every day :3 he’s real stubborn about this.

This is the kinda guy who needs to be tied to his bed when he’s sick.

Oh but you know he listens in on gossip sessions. Nosy king

Tenga 🌀

He goes to that art high school but he’s still really timid about it. Like he basically only shows his art for class critique and to Musashi (:3)

I feel like he gets more and more punk in his fashion as he gets older. Spiked jackets, fingerless gloves, chunky tall boots, the whole package! I feel like, as he leaned away from the gang aesthetic, this was the next ‘rebellious’ dress style to try. (Don’t worry, the pomp stays)

He also can’t focus on academics, but it’s a bit different from Musashi. All in all, his grades are better than in middle school, but he still struggles with memorising and staying awake in class

I am a big advocate for neurodivergent Tenga, so I do think he gets overstimulated in class sometimes. Hides in the bathroom so he doesn’t snap at anyone though

Plays drums sometimes? Idk i can just see him making noise

Makes some friends, but has a hard time actually letting anyone in

Feeds the stray cats outside his block :) talks to them too (hes suuuper embarrassed about this)

He and Musashi text throughout the day :) once they both manage to emotionally open up, they just text randomly, whenever they want ( Tenga: MY SOCK GOT WET Musashi: My teacher yelled at me :/)

Y’all KNOW he doodles on the edges of his notebooks. Oh and i think he develops carpal tunnel at some point because of the constant writing and drawing, poor boy :(

He’s just a sleepy guy… he just wants to nap please let him nap on his desk don’t wake him up with your calculus just let the punk boy have his sleepy time (Anemia? Maybe he needs more sleep than other kids?)

Exercises whenever he can (sometimes he can’t bring himself to and he feels guilty about it)

[bright-eyed]

I think I’m genuinely reaching the point where I’m so sick of myself and how i hold myself back that i’m actually going to make manageable but meaningful changes to my life to improve my happiness and work towards like. Actual goals. Sort of embarrassing to say it like that but yeah. Insert Joan Didion’s entire essay on self-respect here.

The thing about constantly letting yourself down, letting the anxiety rule you, breaking all the promises you make yourself, for years, is that eventually you can’t bear to live like that anymore and you feel like a tiger pacing in a cage getting angrier and angrier wearing a hole so deep in the ground that the structural integrity of the cage snaps. And maybe you were a tiger born in the cage and you once found the protection it offered from the unknown comforting, but at the first glimpse of escape you would tear flesh to leave.

Maybe I’m reaching some critical overload, maybe inspiration and thought collided in the perfect way to suddenly make me feel capable of doing something, maybe it’s years of therapy finally adding up, maybe it’s just momentum because I’ve actually recently managed to do some little things I’ve been putting off for months and it felt good. But idk I know I can’t do this forever and that there’s gonna be some sort of shift eventually, so why not try now. Even if it’s small stuff. It’s not gonna kill me. I gotta go somewhere, preferably forward somehow

[eleanordol]

💛— warnings. None

💛— synopsis. Whitney is sick and finds himself powerless when Eleanor wants to take care of him. Fluff.

💛— wordcount. 1200

Eleanor's brow furrowed as she set her phone down on the table. Students filtered into the classroom in groups, all chatting about weekend plans and laughing at inside jokes. Others furiously studied, cramming as much knowledge as they could before the weekly exam.

River, thankfully, hadn’t arrived yet, giving them a few extra minutes to try and improve their grades.

Eleanor didn’t need to study. She didn’t understand much about life, but math? Math, she sure as fuck understood better than anything. This was one of the few classes where she held a distinction, and the acknowledgement of her ability felt good.

She frowned at the empty chair beside her. He had promised her he’d actually try this week.

When I die, he can be the pallbearer and let me down one last time.

Sighing, she opened her notebook and began doodling on the lined paper.

The sudden presence beside her startled her.

Pale, yet blotchy in flushed patches, eyes dull and hair stringy. His shirt buttons were uneven, and his blazer was inside out. He inhaled a laboured breath and slid down in his seat, his body threatening to fall off the chair. He didn’t acknowledge her, his eyes shutting tight as he winced at the sound of the classroom door slamming. Pulling the chair closer to the table, he struggled to keep himself upright.

“Baby, what the fuck?” Eleanor grabbed his arm. He weakly tried to swat her away, to no avail.

“Piss off, slut,” he groaned, turning to look at her—only to be startled by how close her face suddenly was to his. He tried to fight back, but her hands held his shoulders firmly. Her forehead pressed gently against his.

“You’re burning up!” She nuzzled her face against his, eliciting laughs from some of his friends sitting nearby. Laughs that were quickly silenced by her sharp glare, a glare that made it clear she wasn’t afraid to kick the absolute shit out of anyone.

“I’m fine,” Whitney mumbled as his worried girlfriend inspected him, searching for signs of illness, maybe even an injury.

“When I’m done with this test, I’m taking you home,” she said. She could afford to miss the rest of the day anyway.

“Fuck no,” he replied, laying his head on the desk.

“It wasn’t a question,” she shot back, her harsh tone contrasting with the way she softly rubbed his back. “It’s happening whether you like it or not.”

Her exam took only a few minutes. She finished it quickly, grabbing Whitney’s paper from under his face and completing it for him as well. She sandbagged his test, getting some answers wrong on purpose lest River catch on to the ruse.

She kept his grade hovering at a solid C, bordering on a B, showing just enough improvement once a month to be believable. It was all coming together, her long con to get him some decent grades.

One of Whitney’s loser friends handed in his test for him. She waited a few minutes before submitting hers, then returned to the table to pack up her things and collect her sleeping boy.

“Up you get.” Eleanor looped her arms under his, pulling him shakily to his feet.

His response was quiet, agreeable, resigned.

-

“This isn’t m’ house,” he muttered as the orphanage came into view.

The walk from school had taken forever. He had to lean on her for support, stopping every block or so to readjust and catch his breath. Sweat stuck his hair to his face. He stumbled, almost bringing her down with him.

“I never said I was taking you to your house,” she replied.

Each step took effort. He was so much taller than her, his body practically engulfing hers.

Whitney’s eyes closed as he let Eleanor guide him through the garden and into the empty halls of the orphanage. Most of the children were at school, and the younger ones were off at day programs.

Bailey wasn’t much of a caregiver. She provided the bare necessities but not much else in the way of parenting or affection. Time was money, and she had too much to do around town to care.

The familiar scent of Eleanor’s room stirred Whitney from his walking rest, flowers, honey, and sandalwood incense. She used it to mask the smell when he smoked in her room. Usually, he sat by the window, but sometimes, after sex, he felt too lazy and lit one up right in her bed.

He crashed onto the mattress with an unceremonious flop.

Eleanor sat beside him, rummaging through her bedside table.

“Stay with me for a few more minutes,” she said, producing a blister pack of pills. She popped two out of the plastic. “You need some paracetamol, or you’re going to die on me.”

He lifted himself just enough for her to put the pills in his mouth, swallowing them dry before she could offer her water bottle. He slid back down, eyes shutting as he drifted off to sleep.

-

His icy eyes fluttered open. The television cast a soft glow in the dark room.

No idea what time it was.

How long had he been out?

Eleanor sat at the edge of her bed, legs crossed, controller in hand. On the screen, not her usual fighting game, but one with Hello Kitty and other colourful animals.

Something cool rested on his forehead, a cloth soaked in cold water.

He swore he remembered falling asleep face down, yet now he was lying on his back, tucked under the covers, on his usual side of her bed.

The clothes he wore felt soft. Not his school uniform.

His groggy mind pieced it together.

“Did you fucking molest me in my sleep?” he asked.

Eleanor jumped, clutching her chest. “Holy fuck, you’re awake!”

He tried to sit up but stopped as a headache flared in his skull. “You stripped me and probably felt me up.”

“You wish,” she rolled her eyes, crawling up the bed to his side. “Yes, I changed your clothes. You were shivering and sweating, and I was worried you’d catch a chill and die.”

Softly, she brushed his bangs from his face.

“I feel like shit.” He unconsciously leaned into her touch, her hands cool against his warm skin.

“I know.” Her eyebrows knit in worry. “You idiot, why did you even come to school?”

He shrugged. “If I’m not there, you might go wild, slutting it up all over the place.”

“That’s stupid, even for you.” She lightly flicked his forehead, making him wince.

A moment of silence passed.

“Why did you do this?” he finally asked.

“Whitney,” she murmured, pressing her forehead to his. The cool cloth was the only thing separating them. “If you don’t know why by now, I don’t know what to do with you.”

His eyes fluttered shut as he caught her lips in a quick kiss.

“Thank you, slut.”

“You’re welcome, idiot.” She giggled.

[29625]

Omegaverse AU idea!!

Omega Sli/Alpha Mav with some friendship arch between Sli and Ice.

Omegas in the Navy or any military service are rare, although there have been a slight improvement over the years. Slider is one of the first omegas that were enlisted after the ban on omegas in military service was lifted in the late 70s, and actually the first person to join TOPGUN as an omega. Slider is pretty passable as beta or even alpha, and only a couple of people who are close to him (his mom, his nana, his little brother Danny, and Ice, who he met in Annapolis) know his second gender. He never shows his ID to anyone and he mostly keeps it to himself when it comes to the discussion of sex and romantic relationships. Mav thinks it’s weird, a guy like Slider would brag about his love life non-stop. Instead he just sits there, laughing uncomfortably until Ice tells them to fucking knock it off.

(Ice has always been like that. Great friend and a great alpha. So protective of Slider. Bonus point if they used to have crush on each other before they realized they were better off being friends. Or I can make Ice a beta and…sort of create a bizarre love triangle. Which do you prefer?)

One day Mav accidentally bangs Slider’s head pretty hard when they are playing beach volleyball. Nose bleed, maybe sone concussion. Hell, he was kinda looking dazed even before the game started. Still not so amicable, he is sort of “dared” to take him to the infirmary. But Ice somehow insists he can’t and he will instead take care of the RIO, much to Mav’s confusion.

Turns out, Slider was having some pre-heat sickness (similar to PMS) and couldn’t concentrate on the game at all. Ice takes care of his wound in the locker room —“Are you taking your suppressants?” “Any other symptoms? Just usuals?” “Do you feel comfortable going back? Do you wanna just stay home for the day?”—a row of muffled questions to which Slider answers with either a quick “yeah” and a few seconds of silence. Mav stumbles upon their conversation, worried and wanted to make sure the taller man was okay. But holy God, is he eavesdropping and accidentally discovering the secret.

Eventually Ice goes out to get some wet towels and bumps into Mav, who is standing just outside the room and awkwardly trying to hide somewhere. Jesus the fury in his eyes. He’s sure he’s gonna get killed on sight. But Ice is surprisingly calm, despite his clenched fists and stiff shoulders. Slider, though, just throws fits as soon as he sees Mav. He tries to push him away, grabs him on the collar of his shirt.

“Get lost,” Slider growls as Ice worriedly tries to pull him away from the brunette. “And if you can’t fucking keep the secret? I’m gonna fucking kill your ass. Is that clear?”

And Maverick can only nod.

Alternatively: Omegaverse AU where omega Sli and alpha Mav slowly builds their relationship. Protective Ice. Hurt Sli. Mav trying to support him as best as he can.