#and I wrote about that before

[vole-mon-amour]

not to get overly personal on main, but I think because I had a horrible experience with men (and one dude in particular when I was a teen) that left me with life lasting trauma, I feel especially good about Halsin and his personality. I feel unsafe and anxious when men, mostly cis men, talk romance whth me, especially when I'm not interested (I'm paralyzed and panicking), and I think with Halsin it wouldn't be an issue, even irl. he's so understanding, so gentle, so respectful, so calm, so non judgy.

I know he's a fictional character, but the way he's been written? and his own experience and trauma? "ohh, he's ugly, boring, old, too big." you guys don't understand. he's wonderful. aside from his love for kids (and maybe his love for mead), he's perfect for me.

I am also afraid of drunk people and can't stand any alcohol's smell, and Halsin loves to drink, but I think he'd be understanding of that, too? he'd do everything in his power to make his ftiends/partner feel safe with him and take things slowly if needed? he'd check with his partner if what he's doing is alright.

plus, it's implied that Halsin has an eating disorder/can't really control himself sometimes with food/drinks, and that I totally understand. I can't say I'd feel totally safe if he was drunk—not because of him, he seems perfectly sweet and harmless even when drunk, but because of my own issues and trauma with alcohol. and yet, I'd trust him, just like I'd trust my drunk friend not to do anything that would freak me out. it would make me uncomfortable, but logically I'd understand that there's no harm in that.

and while I'm on that topic, Astarion, with his own sexual trauma, is so relatable. though his silly flirtatious nature would probably get to my head, he's figuring things out as he goes & having a friend that genuinely cares for him without wanting to fuck him is also something new for him. plus, Neil himself said about that with Astarion.

this is mostly about Halsin 'cause it's him who makes me think romantic and sexual stuff, and how my trauma works with that, but I'm so glad those two characters exist. even as words and pixels on a screen.

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[ahsokalegend]

One of my favorite choices the Apothecary Diaries made was making the Emperor a “normal guy” (as far as I know as an anime-only). He’s not evil. He’s not hindering Mao Mao’s journey. He respects the concubines.

If anything his lack of autonomy and presence as the most powerful person in the country further enhances the show’s themes of working within the confines of class and gender inequality.

The previous emperor was a horrible, horrible pervert. Okay, then this emperor only weds women of age… Until he’s forced to take his father’s precious wife due to politics. The current emperor reasonably avoids her.

Eunuchs exist? Bam! now the surgery is outlawed, but this will create a reduction in male labor around the palace.

The emperor clearly favors few women. Well, now he must recognize a concubine with a powerful politician father playing the system.

He supports Mao Mao toeing the line of social expectations for women, but hasn’t removed the law against women preparing medicine. It makes one think, if he wanted to, could he make the change at all? For every two steps forward, he’s forced to take one step back.

In this universe even the Emperor is limited by social pressure and the expectations of his station. His life and that of his children is out of his control, and if that isn’t such a compelling piece of world building I don’t know what is.

If that’s how the author twists the narrative of the Emperor you better believe her female characters dealing with women’s issues in this society are even better written.

[miiilowo]

Help an audhd + disabled trans dude move out and get away from his violent unstable mother (please)

pre-tldr: i need help with funds for moving into a new place, my mom is very violent and irrational, constantly yelling/stomping, i feel very unsafe and uncomfortable, we have over 15 cats she refuses to get rid of and its a huge drain on my mental health. its filthy here and i NEED to get out. ok full post now

-

Hi 👋 my name is Milo. I'm 19, american, transmasc, audhd, got severe chronic pain and no medication for any of it. makes finding suitable jobs very difficult unfortunately

I currently live in an RV with my mom and have for around a year and a half after being homeless for about a year before that. We have a genuinely ABSURD number of cats (over 15 couped up in this tiny space), which is not only terrible for the cats, its terrible for my mental health, my moms, and is a big drain on our funds. We can barely afford to take care of them and no matter how much I plead with her to take some of them to a shelter or do SOMETHING she refuses to, so that should start painting a picture of the type of person I'm dealing with here.

Her temper is incredibly, INCREDIBLY short. She's impossible to be around, refuses to improve, is physically violent to our general surroundings / herself / occasionally the cats. She has thrown things at me before and threatened me. I generally dont feel safe or comfortable, and most times Ive tried getting her to stop any of the aforementioned behavior, she guilt trips me and things never change. Literally as I'm typing this she's been caterwauling, stomping and throwing things. What prompted this? No idea! This happens genuinely every single day. This is not an exaggeration. It's destroying my brain and I can't handle it anymore. This is going to sound particularly pitiful (sorry) but I do have capital T Trauma related to someone breaking into our house when I was home and loud noises / stomping / yelling does make me INCREDIBLY anxious, and no matter how many times I tell her this she doesn't give a shit. or if she does give a shit she doesnt give enough of a shit to change her attitude

She won't let me learn how to drive and (whether intentionally or not) obstructs any attempts I make to function as an adult. I'm currently self-employed on commissions, but it's not a living wage or something I could make into one (and remain sane. or keep up with). I'm actively searching for a job and have applied to several (fingers crossed) (will update this post when I get one) and, ideally, will be moving in with a friend of mine sometime in the late summer, but I need help with funds for moving in/covering rent for a bit/etc.

Since I do take commissions, if you want one of those and want to help with funds that way, that'll be an avenue for giving me money. I won't have them open 24/7 just to make things more manageable, but that'll be an option some of the time at least.

COMMISSION INFO (tumblr post link). Currently closed!

Otherwise, if you just wanna chip in (it would be VERY. VERY VERY VERY APPRECIATED):

Payp4l: millowo <- preferred

Venm0: miiilowo

GOAL: 720/4,000

see this ^^^ ? thats my art im gonna have comms open soon ooh ahh HERES A BUNCH MORE TO LOOK AT IF YOURE INTERESTED BELOW THE CUT

[hansoeii]

It's about who.

[theshadowrealmitself]

I think the first story I read about time traveling that takes the earth’s movements into account, I read back when I was a kid, and who knows how long before that it was published

But it was an anthology of short horror stories, and if I remember correctly, it was these 2 kids who befriend this scientist (or the boy was the scientist?) and the scientist is like “I’m pretty sure my machine works but idk why nothing I send to the future shows up”

And then the girl is like “I’m going to go into the way future, where I belong” (cause she was like the “I was born in the wrong generation” kind of person) and she does it as the boy realizes what’s going on, that the machine does work, but it really does transport whatever/whoever goes into it in the exact same spot in space, instead of moving with the earth

And the last scene was the girl floating in space, having gone so far into the future that everything had moved away, and the sun and planets were long gone

[sforzesco]

paris of troy! during those years he was a shepherd.

I was reading cartledge's book on thebes and every now and then the spartan focuses wrt to the pantheon of gods comes up. sparta has nothing to do with this except for where it does, but apollo karneios was discussed and that got my attention, which circled back to paris, and then I started thinking about the paris + apollo link

I also started thinking about narrative rejections bc paris has a funky absence in the iliad that's giving a kind of...a vibe. your parents shouldn't have had you, the story doesn't want you around, but oh boy are you there anyway, manifested into existence. no matter what, doom must manifest in flesh form. it's a narrative necessity, the actual incident (the judgement) is secondary.

The Judgement of Paris in Later Byzantine Literature, E. M. Jeffreys

weird! love it! almost (but not quite) reminds me of troilos' murder at achilles' hands lurking in the guts of the iliad. it's there, even when it's not. more importantly tho: sheep. I miss working on a farm with sheep and goats and cows and--

[mentalmeles]

Was listening to Star Spangled Man With a Plan (as one does) and it got me thinking about Steve during his USO tours--mainly Steve and his relationship with the USO girls.

At first, the USO girls are all business and are only polite to Steve when they have to be. They're not cold to him, but they're not particularly friendly or warm either. They just stay in their lane and he stays in his. Maybe, after a bit of time, one or two of em decide to test their luck and flirt with Steve, but he declines their advances every time. (I know that the MCU says it's canon that Steve lost his virginity to one of em or something like that, but I'm actively choosing to ignore that he had sex with any of em at all lmao)

But then, after doing a handful of tours, one of the USO girls decides 'fuck it' and decides to throw Steve a bone;

"Can you help me zip up my outfit?" She asks.

Steve flounders a bit at first, but she assures him that she doesn't mean anything by it. She only wants his help. She's letting him help. So, he does. Suddenly, from that moment on, the majority of the USO girls begin to ask Steve for help too--whether it be for their outfits, their hair, or their makeup. Maybe it's because they've realized he's not going to try anything. Maybe they've realized just how lonely he really is. So, over time, they begin to let him in on their card games, their smoke breaks (even though Steve himself doesn't smoke, since it doesn't do anything for him now, anyway), and talks about home. They even teach him some dances and acrobatics. Eventually, Steve gets comfortable enough to tell them about Bucky. He tries not to say too much, lest he give away the true depth of their relationship. He's not the best at lying, so he speaks in half truths. He's always very careful. He has to be, after all.

But then, maybe, one of em figures it out anyway.

"You're sweet on him, aren't you? Your friend?" She asks. It's the girl who first asked for his help. The one who first let him in.

And Steve is so fucking scared all of a sudden. He doesn't know how she figured it out. He thought he'd been hiding it well. He had been so careful. So careful. Fuck, what will he do if she tells people? If she tells people what he is, it's all over. They'll send him home and he'll lose his one actual chance of potentially getting out on the field and helping Bucky. And Bucky... If word somehow gets to the army... What will they do to Bucky?

But then, suddenly, she drops another bombshell;

"I have a girl back home," she says quietly. "I had a feeling you were in the same boat as me, what with the way your eyes look every time you talk about him. Her eyes do the same thing when she talks about me. Everyone back home thinks she's just my best friend. But she's worth a helluva lot more than that."

Steve can only stare at her. For a moment he wonders if she's lying, but everything about her--all the way down to her voice, her expression, and posture--tells him that she's being honest. He gives a broken laugh, suddenly feeling very, very small.

"Yeah. Yeah, he is too. Worth a helluva lot more to me than just a friend, I mean..."

She nods. "Does anyone else know?"

"I think one of his sisters might. But, other than that, it's just you." He pauses. "What's her name?"

"Hilda. I call her Hildie."

"That's right. You've mentioned her a couple times... She sounds wonderful."

"She is." She pauses for a moment before speaking again. "You know, you can talk to me about him. Whenever you want or need. People like us...we gotta stick together, ya know?"

Suddenly, Steve doesn't feel like he's talking to a friendly coworker. He feels like he's talking to a friend.

So, he gives her one of his increasingly rare smiles, real and warm. "I think I'd like that," he says. "Thank you."

[splinterclan]

Moon 17: So yeah! This happened!

(Sidenote for Cedar's kits, they're meant to be 4-5 weeks/1 moon old already - so they're weaned from needing milk)

Also, also baby refs:

[lemonlimestar]

bits & bobs

text:

the crumbled note reads: Dear Kon, I miss you. Is that a cliche? I hope — before getting cut off.

the list beside the cd reads: Tracks (with im next to the T, above the other letters, reading Tim), Uptown Girl, Like A Prayer, Fly Me To The Moon, Crimson & Clover, Heaven Is A Place On Earth, Accidentally In Love.

[aquanutart]

[magicpiano]

I have a soft spot for Peter Parker in Gotham fics, but how about Peter in Central City?

Post NWH Peter Parker ends up in the DC universe. He starts being spider-man there, makes connections and befriends other heroes. Eventually, Peter overhears someone mention how everyone forgot Wally existed because of speedforce shenanigans.

Naturally, Peter has a lot of emotions about his own situation and goes to the only other person he thinks will understand his predicament for advice (even if their situations were pretty different actually).

Peter kind of fails to properly explain himself and the alternate universe thing though. So Wally comes to the obvious conclusion that Peter is someone he knew, or at least heard of, before the spell. When Wally realizes all the issues Peter is having adjusting to life without a legal identity he offers to take him in.

(It would be fun to combine this with birdflash and 'Richard Parker and Dick Grayson are the same person' AUs.)

(I also think it would be funny if Peter said, "Dr. Strange did it." Like imagine Hugo Strange chilling in his cell when the bats pop in and demand answers he doesn't have lol.)

[nekrosmos]

Based on @panchulien 's Mob Boss Nik and Hitman Price AU

Mob Boss Nikolai who just uses his fingers on hitman Price, never going further. It drives John mad. The things Nik can do with his hands alone is out of this world, making Price moan in pleasure under his touch, making him grab the fancy sheets of Nik's bed while he tries to control himself, ground himself, Nik's fingers knuckles deep inside him while his other hand plays with his cock, with his balls, touching him just enough that Price's mind goes foggy, begging for more.

But Nikolai never goes further. He will make John come, he will make him come back, but he will not take him, yet.

John will ask him, many times, to do it, and every single time, Nikolai will grin from ear to ear, telling him that it isn't time yet. Months into this and John wonders if there ever will be a time.

It just leaves Price demanding, always craving more. He isn't blind, he's seen Nikolai's bulge, he knows what he's packing, and he wants nothing more than to have him inside of him. And so, he comes back, no matter how annoyed he is with the man he was first hired to kill, no matter how much he teases him, always in control of the situation, Price always comes back for more, and that's why Nikolai keeps doing it.

Only when John is fully tamed will he give himself fully to him, no matter how long this takes.

[egotistical-cabbage]

here. have a crumb

[bamsara]

hold this

[faynthearted]

maybe I'm overthinking things, but whenever I see people talking about significant/transformative moments in tianshan's relationship (barring their fight, the kiss, the ear piercing, etc.), I'm always a little disappointed no one points out the scene where the boys are going through the cardboard boxes of random things from he tian's childhood and he tian says something to the effect of, "the entire world is out there but everything I've ever owned only fits in these two boxes" and then he discreetly places his hand palm-up between him and guan shan. and guan shan pauses for a moment before placing his glass in his hand. and then the chapter ends.

this moment is one of the few panels I've saved over the years:

like... it's short but there's so much emotion behind this scene, it's hard for me to put it into words succinctly. and it stands out to me because it's not particularly intense or climatic like their other big moments. it happens soon after she li assaulted guan shan on the riverbank — which was heavy on the drama and ultimately the catalyst for tianshan's relationship. he tian had also just been financially cut off from his family and guan shan had been physically and emotionally vulnerable/exhausted for some time. basically, things were still raw and hectic for both of them in different ways

so this quiet, subdued, and wordless interaction between them on the balcony was very interesting. I honestly think it's one of the first instances in which tianshan have a personal/intimate mutual understanding of one another without an outside force influencing it or the moment being interrupted. and somehow, it's both abnormal and very fitting that he tian didn't make a grand gesture in this moment. like, if you think about it, he simply turned his hand on the cushion and looked at guan shan. it wasn't obvious; he wasn't making a scene. but of course guan shan, hyperaware of him, noticed

and the fact that the chapter ends after that also stands out to me. again, if he tian was being his normal self, he probably would've said/complained outright that he obviously wanted guan shan to give him his hand, not his glass, or he probably would've grabbed guan shan's hand as he was placing the glass down because he tian always just takes what he wants and tames guan shan's defiance or embarrassment after the fact

but instead, the chapter ends. and it doesn't even feel abrupt, really. it feels complete. and it makes me assume that he tian accepted the glass as guan shan's response and didn't press the issue. he might've just held onto the glass in his lap (or drank from it while maintaining eye contact) and then moved his attention back to the group at large. and, again, that's both abnormal and fitting for him in this scene

and I know I just said "guan shan's response" but what's frustrating — and fascinating! — is that I've yet to come to a definitive conclusion about what the (unspoken) question/response between them was to begin with. of course, he tian had just finished talking about the paradoxical state of his life — about how he could have everything and yet he has next to nothing — so maybe his "question" for guan shan was as simple as: "even if I don't have/want anything else, can I at least have you?"

but I also think it's interesting to consider that jian yi immediately laughed at he tian after he finished talking, accusing him of being dramatic (and in jian yi's defense, he'd never really seen an honest version of he tian like guan shan had at that point, so I don't blame him for thinking he tian was just being melodramatic for attention as per usual). anyway, jian yi and zheng xi got a good chuckle out of it, but guan shan didn't. iirc, he actually looked a bit lost in thought before he noticed he tian looking at him, and then his hand between them

with that small detail, it makes me think he tian's question leaned more toward: "do you believe me?" or maybe "do you understand me in the ways I want you to?"

I'd like to think he tian wouldn't have offered his hand if guan shan had also rolled his eyes with zhanyi — poor little rich boy — and dismissed what he'd said. but then again, with the state of their situation/relationship at that point, I don't think there was a chance in hell that guan shan would've dismissed him. I'm sure we can all agree that he tian's intense emotional response to finding guan shan injured and subsequently taking care of him without expecting anything in return drastically changed guan shan's perspective of him. guan shan had a lot to process at that point in the manhua, and a lot of hard truths to start acknowledging. it was clear that he tian had a lot on his mind during that time, too

so guan shan placing the glass in he tian's palm might've been him saying, "I'm still figuring this (us) out... but my answer isn't no" (hence the reason why he tian presumably didn't push the issue further bc he was more cognizant of guan shan's boundaries by this point) or it might've been him saying, "yeah, I'm starting to understand you, and you're not what I thought you were but that's not scaring me away" (therefore affirming he tian's question so he didn't feel the need to pursue the moment or make a bigger scene)

in any case, although there's no continuation after that scene, I think they were both satisfied by the end of the evening. I don't think he tian was disappointed by guan shan's response, and guan shan would've known that too. in fact, I'd argue that guan shan wanted to reaffirm he tian's emotions in that moment. the worst (yet easiest) thing guan shan could've done is look at him, look at his hand, and then look away and ignore him — literally leaving him empty-handed. that would've left he tian in a sour fucking mood... or at least a bit wounded

but instead, guan shan chose the more honest/reciprocal route even if he wasn't 100% sure yet. and... I don't know. it really stands out to me and I think a lot more was happening in that interaction than what could've been expressed in words. and yet I've literally never seen anyone talk about that scene since it was posted — which, fair enough. it's only a couple of panels. but I think about it constantly!