#and I was so fucking proud of myself that I didn’t have a breakdown over not drawing when I said I would

[malachitezmeyka]

If you’ve never wrestled with yourself for four hours straight practically begging yourself to go eat because yes, you don’t feel hungry now, but you haven’t eaten since breakfast so in the morning you’ll be completely miserable, then that is an experience I absolutely do not recommend

[strniohoeee]

Labyrinth

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female reader

Synopsis: A numb and addicted y/n can’t seem to understand why her life suddenly feels different. She’s done nothing but move around in her adult years, so why is it now that she feels she can’t pack up and leave anytime soon?

Warnings⚠️: I haven’t written in over a month, so I’m super rusty this might be shitty! Cigarette smoking and mentions, mentions of addiction, mentions of alcohol. I don’t condone smoking or drinking (underage).🖤

Song for imagine: Cigarettes and Coffee- Otis Redding

Its early in the morning

About a quarter ‘til three

I’m sittin here talking with my baby

Over cigarettes and coffee

I was never one to deal with stress easily which led me to deal with it in the worst ways possible. Drinking, smoking, quitting jobs on the spot and even packing up and leaving places…..I know stupid and risky, but I never had that anchor in my life to tell me everything was going to be okay.

If I felt stressed and useless my things were packed and I was on the road to a new state. I think I was on state number 7 in about a year and a half. Who the fuck in their right mind handles stress this way? That was the million dollar question, and I had the answer…. I wasn’t in my right mind…not in the past, not in the present and undoubtedly not in the future.

After my last breakdown I landed in California precisely in Los Angeles, the city of angels. Where all your dreams and aspirations could come true. It just felt like lost paradise to me, but it’s the longest state I’ve ever stood in. For some reason I couldn’t find the power in me to leave when I got stressed. It was as if I had some unforeseen future here….a future of happiness and hope?

But the stress still gnawed at me. Will I ever have a career, will I ever be truly happy, will my parents be proud of me?How am I going to pay for next month's rent?How am I going to pay for next week's groceries?

It was a constant battle and I never severely suffered because I always found a way, but once all that was taken care of the immediate panic started again about how will I be able to do it all in the following weeks.

I started smoking constantly and it was weird because I wasn’t a smoker but I knew I should drink a little less. I only lit a cigarette when the stress was so bad I refused to drink anymore. Not like smoking was any better ruining my lungs rather than my liver….

But the problem was it went from one to two a day to five and on really bad days even up to eight. It was a bad crutch I simply couldn’t pull away from. They were my training wheels and I was so scared that once I let go I’d crash and burn.

I had an addiction and I had no one around me to slap me out of it. Of course I still spoke to my parents, but I just lied about it. I mean there’s truly no one to blame but myself, however all that regret left my mind once a lighter was in my hand and I took a long drag while the cool night breeze brushed against my skin.

I was lucky enough to have found a job almost instantly. It was a cute little coffee shop that had a small selection of books. It was a peaceful and slow paced job. We only really needed two to three people working. So I’d open at 8am and waited for the next girl to clock in at about 11am.

It was a fun job that paid the bills and my horrendous cigarette addiction. I had found a decent studio apartment nearby. But I was always convinced that this would be snatched from under my feet and I should never get comfortable. As you can expect this led to my extreme stress and anxiety.

I didn’t necessarily have friends here, I mean yes I was cool with my coworkers and boss; but we weren’t friends. It was more of a hi, bye situation. It didn’t bother me much. I was always a loner. I never really found people who got me, so I stayed with the only person who did…me.

On my days off I spent a lot of time walking around flea markets, heading into other cafes and even writing. I’d always hoped that one day I’d be a writer. My mind was always running and I figured someone out there might actually relate to and enjoy the words I’d write on a piece of paper.

Today I was actually working a small shift from 8am to 1pm. I was staring blankly at my reflection in the bathroom. Scrubbing my hands and gargling mouthwash. It was 11am and I was coming back from my break.

Spitting the mouthwash into the sink I closed the cap and stuffed the travel size bottle into my purse. Inhaling deeply I looked at myself once again.

“You have got to stop smoking” I replied in a mumble

Slipping my hand blindly into my purse I pulled out my perfume; spritzing myself before shutting the light and heading into the break room to place my purse back.

Slipping my apron on my coworker walked in, clocking in the back as she offered me a smile

“Good morning Y/N” she said as she walked towards me to place her things down

“Good morning K” I stated as I offered a smile back and began to make my way to clock back in

I wasn’t sure why her name was K, it was all over her employee paperwork. She was here before me, so I felt I had no right to ask her for her real name. But it was interesting for someone to just drop the rest of their name and solely go by a singular letter.

After punching back in I walked to the front, not a surprise it was dead. The only people lingering around were the 8am-9am crew. Sighing deeply I decided to clean up a bit.

It was about 12pm now and I was watching the clock anxiously waiting to clock out and run free. Usually I worked 8-4 and sometimes even 8-6. I had a whole day ahead of me and two days off might I add. I felt pretty invincible

Drinking from my water cup the door chimed signaling a customer. Placing the cup down I began to turn around.

“Hi welcome to Mugs” I stated as I turned around

Immediately I was intrigued. I have never seen someone as interesting before. I mean it is LA, so I have seen some interesting stuff; but no he looked different…. And for some reason I couldn’t really look away

Placing his vision glasses on top of his head he squinted his eyes to read the menu. My eyebrow raising.

“You know glasses are meant for you to see things” I said logging into the register as I looked up at him

“I’m sorry?” He said looking at me

“You um…. You put your glasses on your head and then squinted to read” I said pointing above me at the board

“Oh… well these are just blue light glasses. I genuinely can’t really see” he said in an awkward way

“Ohhh well uhh want me to read the menu to you?” I asked laughing a bit

“Oh no it’s fine, I’m not really a coffee drinker” he stated looking at our pastry display

“You do realize you’re in a Coffee shop?” I said jokingly

His mouth opened a bit and then he squinted his eyes

“I am now seeing how ridiculous I look” he said chuckling and shaking his head

“No judgment here” I said sticking my hands up in defense

“I won’t waste your time any more! Can I have a chocolate chip cookie and that bottle of Pepsi” he said pointing behind me at the small fridge

“One Pepsi and one cookie, coming right up” I said checking him out on the screen

Grabbing the cookie and bottle of soda I placed it on the counter and slid it towards him.

“You can tap or insert your card whenever you’re ready” I stated clicking some buttons on my screen

“I’m uhh actually paying cash” he said fishing in his wallet

“Woahhh cash in this century?” I said giggling and fixing the system

“Yeahh I carry a little bit of cash and little bit of card” he said shrugging his shoulders

“A little bit of card….hmm…that’s funny” I said giggling a bit at him

“Well you know what I mean” he says playfully rolling his eyes

“I’m just messing with you” I said shaking my head

Smiling he handed the cash over and grabbed his items

“Keep the change” he said waving with his hand and nodding his head

Walking out the door I couldn’t seem to understand why I had a stupid smile on my face. Putting the cash in the till and placing the change in our tip jar.

Turning around I was met with my two coworkers staring at me with a smirk on their face. I’d never been the spotlight of attention and I’ve never gotten anything other than a good morning from either of them. So my face dropped and I got self conscious

“What?” I said a bit scared as I straightened my posture

“He was totally into you” K stated as she placed the rack of cookies down

“Was not! We were just making friendly conversations” I said opening the pastry shelf and putting some cookies in

“No no I agree with K we’ve had a lot of guys come in here, but this is the first time I’ve seen a guy like utter more than two words to you and he was totally geeking out” Delilah stated

“Totally! That kid was blushing like crazyyy” K stated as she grabbed the now empty tray and began to walk back towards the kitchen

“Guys come on! It was just friendly banter” I said shutting the pastry door

“Delilah knows her shit too, that’s how Danny and I got together” K stated from the kitchen

“Shut up! No way” I said rolling my eyes

“Sure did! As soon as we had an interaction K told me he’d be back for my number, and that was three years ago” K replied

“You just got lucky this was nothing but mere coincidence” I replied back to them

“You’ll see girl” Delilah stated as she began to make herself a coffee

Playfully rolling my eyes I checked the clock, I had about 10 minutes till my shift was over. I decided to make myself a drink.

As I made my iced latte I began to wonder. I didn’t really have many interactions with guys, but I think I’d know if someone was flirting with me.

It just felt like a friendly banter with an awkwardly shy….nerdy guy. Laughing to myself I finished making my drink.

“Alright girls I’m going to clock out now” I stated as I walked to the back

Punching out and grabbing my things I slid my apron off and grabbed my drink. Heading towards the front of the cafe

I waved bye to the girls as I took a sip.

“Have a good day girls” I said as I walked out

I had the whole day ahead of me and I didn’t even know what I wanted to do. My job was near a pier where I could always sit down and watch people.

Before heading to the pier I decided to stop for some food. Heading into a small restaurant I sat down. Taking my book out of my purse I began to write. I hadn’t written in two weeks and it felt wrong.

Ghosting my hand over the paper, my mind just kept going blank. I couldn’t form a proper sentence and my mind began to race again. Thinking back on that boy I began to think about my love life.

Honestly I didn’t really have one, I was more of a hopeless romantic. Often watching rom coms and rolling my eyes at how unrealistic that love was. I’m sure it was tangible, but I was just a sour puss.

I longed for a relationship like that to always know you’ll have someone there for you loving you unconditionally. To be with someone through sickness and in health. I was only 22, but it seemed to me that everyone around me already had that amazing soulmate. I was very clearly late to the game and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find someone to love. I wasn’t even sure I was lovable myself.

Then again I never put myself out there, but times have changed. It's not that easy. Guys have become so shitty and all they care about it sex. But it’s like what about getting to know the person deep down.

Not once has a guy ever asked me my dreams and aspirations, where do I see myself in five years? What are my biggest goals in life? What’s my biggest fear….. I lost all hope for love by the time I was 18.

Reading romantic stories and watching these shows and movies definitely added salt to the wound.

I hadn’t realized how much I was writing till my hand began to cramp. Looking up I realized it was no longer daytime.

“Shit” I muttered under my breath

Slamming my book shut I paid my bill and began to gather my things. Walking out of the restaurant I stepped out onto the golden street. It was about 5:45 and I really couldn’t understand how that much time had passed.

I think that’s why I enjoy writing the most, I’m so far gone in my own world it’s like I’m frozen and the world around me continues to move.

Walking towards the pier it was surprisingly empty at this time. Breathing in the salty air I sat down on a bench. Watching the ocean I let the breeze blow through my hair.

Digging in my purse I pulled out my pack of American Spirits. Sighing deeply I pulled a cigarette out. As soon as I grabbed my lighter all the regret washed away from me.

Placing the white object in between my lips I flicked the lighter a few times before a glowing flame appeared before me. Guarding the flame from the wind I brought it closer.

Inhaling as I lit the cigarette all my worries washed away. This was only my second cigarette of the day and I somehow felt accomplished.

Kicking the gravel underneath me I took a long drag, exhaling I got up. Walking over to the edge of the pier I decided to sit down allowing my legs to hang off the edge.

I wasn’t 100% sure I could do this, but it’s worth a shot I thought to myself. Leaning my chin on the railing I took another drag as I stared into the sunset.

Life was so beautiful and I wasn’t sure why I was so sad and numb all the time. I took a lot for granted and I hated it.

I really needed to stop smoking.

“You know those things will kill you” I heard from behind me

My brows began to furrow as I took a drag

“I’m sorry?” I said annoyed as I looked behind me, blowing the smoke out through my nose as my face dropped

“You shouldn’t smoke” he said again with a cheeky smile on his face

Meeting eyes with the same guy from the cafe made my heart skip a beat and my throat go dry.

“Squinting your eyes is also bad for you” I said putting the cigarette out

“Won’t kill me though” he said shrugging his shoulders

“You never know” I said shrugging my shoulders and standing up

His eyes followed me as I got up and it was only then did I feel super self conscious about this whole situation. My embarrassment turned a bit into anger.

“Anyways you drink Pepsi, so that for sure will kill you” I said as I dusted my pants off

“Guess we’ll both be dead then” he replied

“Wow you’re super blunt” I said scoffing

“Sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to come off rude. I was just playfully teasing” he said looking nervous

Looking at him for a split second and I sniffed and then rolled my eyes

“It’s fine. It’s a bad habit anyways” I replied shrugging my shoulders

“We all have bad habits we’re not proud of” he said in a whisper

“Are you uhh following me?” I asked him cocking an eyebrow

“What? No oh my god no! I was just walking and I thought you looked super familiar” he replied putting his hands up in defense

“I’m just teasing you” I said giggling

“I’m Matt” he replied placing his hand out for me to shake

“I’m Y/N” I stated as I shook his hand

“It’s nice to formally meet you” he said awkwardly

“Yeah” I replied awkwardly

“I’ll uh… ill let you go on about your business. Maybe I’ll see you around” He said

“Well you know where to find me” I said smiling at him

Opening my bag I was digging around for my phone before successfully pulling it out.

“Right, well have a good evening” he said and waved shyly

“I’ll see you round Matt” I replied

Going our separate ways I looked down at my phone, 6:55pm…. Sighing, I walked back to my car close to the cafe and drove home.

Shuffling up the stairs I pushed my apartment door open after unlocking it. Making note that I must call the maintenance guy because that door needs some WD40 badly.

Locking the door I turned my lights on. Today just felt strange like I couldn’t put my finger in exactly what the fuck was going on.

Walking over to my patio I opened the sliding door and stepped out. Taking in the evening breeze my mind just went blank.

Stepping back inside I grabbed my purse, grabbing my lighter I shuffled my hand around my purse to feel for my pack of cigarettes. But my brows furrowed when I didn’t feel the square container.

Walking over towards the light I opened my bag more and looked inside. An annoyed feeling washed over me as I couldn’t find the box. I mean honestly good because I did not need anymore.

Still searching as if the box was going to magically appear. I groaned soon realizing I must’ve left them on the bench and they are for a fact long gone by now.

Throwing my lighter back into my purse I groaned and sat on my couch. The one time I desperately need a cigarette I fucking left it on the pier.

I cut that night short with a 80s movie marathon and left over pizza as a midnight snack.

remembering that tomorrow I had to stop into the cafe to pick up my paycheck. We’re living in a very digital world right now and my job still does paper checks….

Groaning at that I decided to call it a night….

The End

Okayyy IVE BEEN GONE FOR SOOO FUCKING LONG. And I’m sooo sorry it’s just life has been so crazy since March! However this was the end of part 1….stay tuned for more🥺🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

[humongousgothskeletonfarm]

chapter 6 thoughts: (spoilers ahead!)

oh. fuck.

-

he was king. now he’s a martyr.

holy shittttt

-

aftg really brings us all together, this is random but i love talking to other fan accounts about the books

-

anyway fanfics will no longer have to speculate when rikos funeral was, and if kevin attended or not (or if he had a mental breakdown about it)

also neil u have no tact babe and i love u for it

-

oh renee ur so lovely ur so insightful (neil u should listen to what she has to say)

jean and his ‘i won’t grieve him’ ❤️🫶

- ‘promise me’ jean said with a desperation that should have kill him, nathaniel didn’t hesitate, ‘i promise’ SHUT THE FUCK UP I LOVE THEM THANK U NORA THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANTED FROM THIS BOOK

THE SWAP FROM NATHANIEL TO NEIL IS JUST AS POWERFUL FROM JEANS PERSOECTIVE IN TSC AS IT WAS IN FROM NEILS IN TKM I LITERALLY CANNOT THE PARALLELS ARE KILLING ME

-

it’s 1:40 am and i’ve just made a cup of tea to keep myself awake

feeling many things about jeans perusal of the fox photo wall and taking renee’s picture

-

i know these motherfuckers aren’t accusing neil kevin and jean of abandoning that cunt and leading to his ‘suicide’

-

WE ARE THE RIGHT PEOPLE I THINK JUST NOT THE RIGHT TIME (look i am admittedly not a jean/renee shipper but good god they are so sweet in this)

A COOL EVENING BREEZE AND RAINBOWS

-

screaming as silently as i can rn

- petition for someone to put summertime sadness on the jean playlist

-

whattttt is the mystery about jeremy’s family?? what is this fabled fall banquet that tore his family in half im so intrigued i have to know more

ALSO JEREMY IS IN THERAPY AND HAS SOME SORT OF FAMILY ISSUES I KNEW IT IM SURE THATS ON A BINGO SOMEWHERE

-

jeremy dad of the trojans checking to see that they’re safe and also cody first cannon non binary character??? pls say yes

-

accidentally fell asleep in the middle of my planned all nighters whoops it’s currently 7 am

chapter 7:

“I like to indulge,” Jeremy said with a dimpled smile. ​Kevin’s words mocked him in the back of his thoughts: “Some of them you like.”

i did. notice this in chapter 2 or whatever but is this?? are we getting jerejean???? that’s what this means righ??

-

jeremy wdym ‘oh to be the pampered elite’ u have a butler??

jean defending kevin saying he’s earned the right to be arrogant be still my beating heart i love these stubborn mother fuckers

-

He was years away, watching a different beautiful boy lean in close to say, Will you teach me when he’s not watching? It could be our secret.

STOP IT RN

chapter 8!!

flicked him a sly look. “Easy on the eyes, maybe.”

AHHHHH!!!

-

also so glad that there’s 100% confirmation cat and laila are dating (shared bedroom!)

-

the description of laila and cats lounge room is so soft and cozy im so jealous i wish i was there

-

barkbark von barkenstein u will never top sir fat cat mcatterson (although props to nora for always having simultaneously the worst and most creative names for pets)

-

jean telling cat she’s a good player but misses every ball at her hips is literally every raven! (someone) fic ever come to life where they meet a relatively normal other team and have absolutely no tact or awareness of what others considered rude and immediately tell the other players what their weaknesses are (i’m obsessed)

-

“Yes,” he said, and if he didn’t sound sure, he at least sounded angry. “Let them all burn. I hope none of them survive.” BABY I LOVE U IM SO PROUD OF U UR SAFE NOW FUCK RIKO FUCK THE RAVENS FUCK THE MASTER

-

“Oh, he’s good. A bit rude, but I like him. I think we’re going to be good friends.”

i’d say the exact same thing

-

*jeremy giving jean the keys*

well it’s not andreil levels of drama and symbolism but love a good comparison

-

or they do not care enough about her wellbeing. It’s unforgivable either way.”

giggling a bit over jean being up in arms about boba knowing that he’d be seriously unimpressed with me if he knew how much boba i drank

-

he wants to know what it was for

AND WHAT IF THAT LINE BROKE ME NORA?? AND WHAT THEN??

The Ravens had given up everything to be the undefeated champions, only to be destroyed last month by a tiny team from South Carolina.

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE

“Loving something is not enough,” Jean told him, right on cue. ​“When is the last time you enjoyed playing?” Jeremy asked. ​“Irrelevant,” Jean said. “I am Jean Moreau; I am perfect Court. I do not need to enjoy it to be the best backliner in the NCAA.”

that was what Jean felt safest in, Jeremy would back his decision wholeheartedly.

LITERALLY LEAVE ME ALONE

chapter 9999

also i’m so glad that we have jeremy/laila/cat friendship like in fics and stuff they were always best buddies coz they were the only trojan characters named in the books but it’s great to see they’re actually good friends in cannon

-

“I need you to listen to me for one moment,” Laila said, “and I need you to believe me when I say it. Fuck Coach Moriyama.”

AGREED AGREED AGREED FUCK THAT CUNT

-

COOKING LESSONS WITH JEAN THIS IS THE WHOLESOME CONTENT I SIGNED UP FOR

-

cat talking macronutrients and promising to help with his diet so it’s still familiar but more fun in order to begin healing jeans relationship with food is so important to me

-

nora bleaching jeremy’s hair blonde after telling us she was shocked we all headcannoned him as blonde while she thought he was brunette is so funny to me,, don’t worry fan artists u do not have to change a thing!

(frosted tips made me giggle too, jeremy u pussy)

-

“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?”

-

chapter 10

jean learning basic household chores like sorting and washing clothes and deep cleaning the apartment and learning his way around a supermarket <3

-

LAILA CAT JEAN FRIENDSHIP IS REAL

Afternoons were filled with whatever the women were in the mood for that day, be it wandering downtown, shopping, or combing through estate sales.

Jean went where they took him because it was better than being left in the house alone,

-

COOKING IS HEALING JEAN ITS A COMFORT THING SHUT THE FUCK UP THIS IS EVERYTHUNG HES SO REAL FOR THAT

-

Ravens graduated; they didn’t leave.

fuck if that didn’t just stop my heart

-

i definitely should have been more wary of the trigger warnings. if anyone is wanting to read the book but is worried about certain parts, i’d be happy to let y’all know what sections are triggering so u can try and skip around them.

-

But Jean was not a Raven, and Wayne was dead.

FUCK YEAH BABY NOT ANYMORE U ARENT

-

the thought of that quiet space with its single bed was so repulsive he turned toward the living room instead. - this is so important to me

He could sense the others’ presence even if they weren’t around to bother him, and that was enough to take the edge off the loneliness eating at his heart.

literally end my life i’m so happy for jean, he’s healing slowly but surely

-

this was better than anything he’d ever had. It was worlds more than he deserved. He feared it as much as he wanted it;

JEAN U DO DESERVE IT I PROMISE U

-

wait wtf,, zane is reacher??? in literally every raven fic ever reacher is the most abusive character other than riko

-

OMFG BEACH SCENE??? THEYRE GONNA TAKE JEAN TO THE BEACH??? CHECK THAT OFF EVERY SINGLE BINGO CARD MADE FOR THIS BOOK

^ yeah i wrote that two seconds before then reading jeans panic attack about drowning and the trigger of riko waterboarding him and neil and now i want to cry

[levirgil420]

Well I see a handsome boy (Clint Barton x teen!FTM reader)

Pairings: Clint Barton x teen!FTM reader

Synopsis: During a dysphoria episode, Clint is here to remind you you who you are 

Tw: angst,hurt/comfort,crying, talk about dysphoria, Intusive thought, fluff, please don’t read if it makes you uncomfortable

Note: You are all beautiful/handsome

You were having a really bad day, everythings was awful...First, the pills for your insomnia that Bruce gave you didn’t work so you find yourself with another sleepless night, then, your dysphoria came out...

In your bathroom, just looking at your reflection want to make you puke and you became a crying mess. It was not the first time dealing with it, discovering your transidentity made you aware of those problems and how to understand and calm them. But this time, the accumulation of missions plus the lack of sleep made your crisis much worse.

Now on your bathroom floor, you’re trying to steady your breath with exercices but they are not working as a result of a hard breakdown. Still in your head, you didn’t hear your name called by your fellow team mates: the Avengers who are in the kitchen. It’s always the same buzzing sound that completely cuts you out until you hear or “make out” several knoks. 

Unable to tell the person to leaves you alone and not to open the door, you muffled your cries with your hands and tried to be silent even with your sobs. Suddenly, the door opens with a loud sound making you flinch a little and you were seeing a worried Clint, panting:

Clint: It’s like the fourth time we called y-hey are you okay ?

You can’t help but snort and respond with sarcasm:

Y/N: I’m c-crying on my bath-bathroom floor and you ask me if I-I’m okay ? Do I look like I’m fu-fucking okay to you ? 

Clint face softened when he saw the state you were in and he immediately went by your side with a respectful distance.

Clint: Can I hug you ?

He knows your limites and when you shook your head no, he only puts an open hand on the floor for you to take it. Craving for little human comfort, his hand became the most important thing to you so you squeeze it as if your life depended on it. He squeezes back with the same strenght and he gently moved his thumb in a circular motion over your hand while you are crying. 

A few minutes later, you regain your breath, some sniffles can be heard and during your episode, without noticing, you got closer to Clint needing more comfort; He didn’t say anything but his arms were around you in a tight embrace and you do the same. 

Clint: Do you want to talk about it ? 

Y/N: It was just a bad day, it’ll pass

Clint: Nope, don’t do that, it’s not only a “bad day” so talk to me, I’m here kiddo.

The nickname made your heart soft and new tears appears in your eyes.

Y/N: I feel so awful...Why I can’t control anythings today ? Dysphoria is bitch, I hate it, I hate how I look, I hate my chest, I fucking hate myself ! Why I’m not normal like everyone ? Why I have this body...I’ll never be a boy for them. And I’m so tired. I just want one good night of sleep without nightmares or fucking intrusive thoughts.

Clint was right, venting is making you feel a little bit better but the guilt came rapidly.

Y/N: I’m so sorr-

Clint: Don’t.

Y/N:-y.

Clint: Y/N, you did nothing wrong, you don’t have to apologize for telling me that you’re not okay. Like I said, I’m here for you and if venting make you feel a little better then everything’s fine. You know, I’m so proud of you, and all the team think the same. You are always here to help peoples and always so kind and funny with us. You are strong and you're skills are amazing. And well I only see one handsome boy here and plot twist it's not me.

Y/N: Hey no, you're handsome too !

Clint: Thank you but we are not talking about me. We all saw you as a boy because you are a boy Y/N, nothing will changes that. I know that dysphoria is a demon you have to fight but you don't have to do it alone. I am here, Nat are here too and all the team wants to help you kid. We love you for who you are and not for what your head is telling you.

Unable to speak through your tears, you just squeeze Clint more in your arms and he do the same with you.

Y/N: T-Thank you Clint, I needed it.

Clint: You're welcome kiddo, glad I could help you. Now come on, I think Wanda made your favorite.

The both of you get up. You wipe your face with Clint's help and went to join the others. On the way to the kitchen, you spot Pietro who sent you a wave with a smil. You do the same with a smile on your own and he enters the room.

Clint: You should really ask him out.

Y/N: Don't start...

Clint: What !? It's obvous that you two like each other !

Y/N: Clint stop !

He laughs and you nudge him on the shoulder. Well you are definitely blushing now.

----------------------------------------------------

Thank you so much for reading this !I hope you enjoyed this story !

Sorry for my mistakes, english is not my first language :)

[moonflower-rose]

The three things thing!

I am so behind that people are going to start calling me Dr Cheeks. I was tagged by three lovely humans of fandom, thank you all!

@shealwaysreads things here  @kbrick things here  @writcraft things here 

I can unhesitatingly recommend any of these writers works, not just the ones they've mentioned above, but I'm sure I don't need to tell anybody here that.

So, on to ME! The thing we're doing is 'Recommend us 3 of YOUR fics: 1 that is “most popular” and 2 that are “hidden gems.'

Most popular first.

I think whatever way you measure it, Watch the Castles Burn is my most popular fic. Every metric on AO3 has it on top, with the exception of subscriptions (its beaten only by my one fucking WIP that I stg I will finish one day soon).

I feel amused every time I see this fic. I wrote it for Wireless 2021 and not far off completion I had a complete emotional breakdown and went to bed for like 3 weeks and cried (not over the fic!). And then on the day that the fest started posting I pulled myself together and reached out to the mods to ask if it was too late to submit, and they were extremely kind and understanding and said yes, so I finished the last little lingering bit and had a non-fandom pal do the most last minute beta you can conceive of because I didn't really have any fandom connections that I felt I could impose on at that time, and we tried to take care of the worst of the comma crimes etc, and then at the end of the fest there she was! I was incredibly emotional, on a rollercoaster (grief is a bastard), and I felt like I had submitted an absolute steaming turd. I thought nobody would read it and nobody would like it. @shiftylinguini had only recently become a new friend and I spewed anxiety at her non-stop for days which she was very patient about and still kept answering my DMs, and has not yet abandoned me which speaks to her very good character and kindness lol. And somehow, this possibly-a-turd became the most popular thing I've written in eighteen years in the fandom. It's not what I consider my best work, but people like it!

Have a bit:

Potter found him in the shower block later that afternoon. Draco had one hand braced against the tile beside the shower head, letting the hot water pummel him. His left shoulder was bruised to hell, in fact he could feel the muscle along his ribs beginning to ache as well, the adrenaline slowly waning.

“I was looking for you,” Potter’s boots echoed off the tiles. “I went up to your office, but they told me you were probably down here.”

Draco turned his head just enough to look over his shoulder, and winced when his whole left side cramped in objection. “How’s Ron?”

Potter, to his credit, looked him in the eye. “Good. Very pleased to be alive, thanks to you. I think you’ll be getting Christmas shortbread and Easter buns from Molly for a couple of years or so, after this.”

Draco would have laughed, but that would have required using muscles which were currently strained to buggery, so he just made a noise instead and hoped it wasn’t too pathetic.

“That looks pretty sore. Do you need a hand with a Healing charm?”

He did, actually, not that he would admit it. Still a stubborn, proud arsehole, despite his best efforts. He turned slowly, flexing in the water. That fucking hurt, but the look on Potter’s face was worth it. “If you wanted an excuse to see me in my altogether, Potter, you need only have asked.”

Potter let his eyes drift down Draco’s body like fingertips. His drew his wand from his thigh holster, and gestured with it. “Turn around, you lush. Healing first, flirting later.” Draco turned the water off and braced himself again against the tile, and Potter’s magic collided with his back a moment later. He made a noise, it was punched out of him rather than anything voluntary, and the pain coalesced before fading to a low thrum.

“Thanks.” Draco’s voice was rough.

“Get dressed, and come home with me. I’ll give you a back massage, sort out the last of that stiffness.”

“It’s barely four.” Draco had a feeling there would be other kinds of stiffness afflicting him if he let Potter give him a massage.

Potter just looked at him with dark eyes. “Come home with me.”

Draco went home with Potter.

Next, two hidden gems.

I really like Relief from this years Sudsfest. I had 60K of thoughts about this fic but I only had about 4K of time and brainpower, so I sliced out the right bit for Suds and plan to come back to this very soon.

  Watersports is a challenging kink for many, its a broad label so it makes sense that people might be unsure of it, lol. But it gives me such a kick when people trust me and have a go anyway, and then say so in the comments. Love that!

Some Relief:

The afternoon management briefing had essentially been a write-off. The scar on his hip prickled and itched, and he kept zoning out, head full of warm sheets, velvet skin, stubble, sweat. Vivid flashbacks to things they’d done in bed together threaded through with things they hadn’t tried yet. Budget updates and governance and risk assessments and compliance reports. It was like the mumbling of a meeting happening in a different room.

Receipts! This was so much fun to write, I don't know what came over me one afternoon but I was full of beans and asked @shealwaysreads for a random prompt, and Receipts was born a couple of hours later in between meetings.  I also have thoughts about this, which I'd like to revisit one day (god knows when, the to do list is painfully long as it is).

A bit of Receipts:

“Parkinson, you look surprisingly well fed.” Weasley was all but bouncing in her trainers. “Care to show me your receipts?”

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours, Weasley,” Pansy said smoothly, and Draco didn’t miss the flash in the red-headed menace’s eyes. He looked desperately at Potter, who was attempting to enter the flat behind her. Eventually he had to shove her forward to get past her.

“Malfoy,” Potter’s eyes were sparkling, which was very annoying and not sexy whatsoever. “Alright?”

“I’ve been better, if I’m being honest,” Draco muttered, and Potter shook with suppressed laughter. “Let me get you a water.”

The girls barely noticed their departure, and in the kitchen Draco got down a pair of glasses and took the Brita out of the fridge.

“I hope you’re going to tell me your week has been as miserable as mine?”

Potter took a big sip of water, and his eyes crinkled. “Sorry to disappoint. This is going to be a piece of cake for Gin. She’s as stubborn as fuck, but she’s also already on a pretty strict diet because of training, so it didn’t take much to cut out luxuries. She made me go to the farmers market with her to get even cheaper veg—actually, I could have lived without the run on the way there, if I’m honest.”

“Well, Pans is basically made of refined sugar and nicotine, so I spent our last shop slapping Percy Pigs out of her hands like I was playing Goal Defense for England.”

Potter snorted and nearly spit out his water. Draco felt his belly swoop, and looked away to hide his smile.

“How long do you reckon this will go on?”

Draco cocked his head. “I mean, let’s not kid ourselves, this is foreplay. So I predict whichever one of them gets overcome with the need to hump first.”

Potter shook his head in amazement. “Somehow when you say vulgar things, I’m never expecting it.”

“I’m vulgarity personified,” Draco said, his nose in the air. “I also have a bar of Dairy Milk hidden in Pansy’s top shelf, and if you’re a very good boy I may share it with you.”

“I can be good for you, Draco,” Potter said in a low voice, and Draco stuck his head in the pantry to hide his reddened cheeks.

Tagging is the bit I'm really shit at, obviously never hesitate to just do this if you see it but the rules require tagging so if you haven't done this already and you want to, you are hereby tagged: @gracerene and @thehoneybeet and @candybarrnerd and @nv-md and @academicdisasterfic and @ihopeyoubothstaysafefromharm and @oknowkiss!

[zenyteehee]

They say it takes 40 days to break a habit. Yesterday, I hit 40 days sober.

Part of me still hates it. Part of me is counting down the days until my drug test (that I don’t actually have scheduled yet, but it’ll be somewhere in February). I’ve realized over the past week that if I can fix my issues with sleep, fuck with my psych meds a bit, that it wouldn’t be nearly as hard to be sober…if I had a better work/life balance. I like my work. I like my life. My baseline mood is actually pretty good. It’s just that I work around 60 hours a week right now, and beginning February 12th, I will work 70-80 hours per week for 6 weeks straight (anybody’s guess if I will get any meaningful days off), and there is not a goddamn thing I can do about that. I am already pretty burned out as it is, and it is already hard enough to do hobbies at 60 hours —the things keeping me sober and my mental health more or less tolerable— so all bets are gonna be off with 70-80hrs/week. Never mind that when you’re looking a disease in the face that only responds to your treatment when it wants to and may one day decide to kill you just for shits and giggles, sometimes making everything about a flare —from the symptoms to the mental stress— just go the fuck away really is harm reduction.

But, part of me is really, really proud that I’m now 41 days sober. On days when I’m not consumed by work and school (and fighting off a whole ass breakdown cuz the stress while sober is unreal), I’m so much more present in my life. My mind feels sharper. I look in the mirror and I recognize myself. I don’t want to be so emotionally dependent on a substance like I was before December 17th. Feeling like I had to get baked or I was gonna have a bad night. Because at the end, it really didn’t help. But like I said…all bets are gonna be off come 80hr work weeks and concomitant minimal sleep, none of which is under my control, because any help there is better than burning out even more. Because if I burn out much more, I feel like I’ll lose the drive to establish a healthy relationship with substances.

I think the long term solution is gonna be many-fold. I can’t fix everything I need to right now. So the short term solution is gonna be harm reduction, fix what I can, some of the major drives (ie sleep) to use irresponsibly. Keep looking for other things I can remedy. Reestablish as healthy a relationship with weed as I can manage if and when I do resume it. Idk.

For now, at least, I’ve got 41 days sober.

[bookwhimses]

People who still leave comments on Cheer Up Buttercup, I love you all and your reviews always seem to come in when I’m having a bad week. I honestly can’t begin to describe how much it means to me that people reread and still love that fic. It makes me feel so proud of it.

I have something around or possibly over twenty-eight DGHDA wips. I haven’t been able to write for a long time, and I went through a period where DGHDA in particular was weirdly triggering to engage in for ptsd reasons (don’t worry, there's no fandom drama or anything, I just had a traumatic event happen irl and my confused brain put the trauma in DGHDA). The fic I want to finish most though is a Farah introspec fic I wrote for a Big Bang partnered with Juniper, who was extremely understanding about me having a mental breakdown* and not finishing it. Every time I try to go back to it I feel paralysed by my own promise that it would be the first fic I published once I felt able to write again.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this is dumb. In June I was diagnosed with ADHD. Prior to that, if someone with ADHD told me, “Oh, I have this thing I feel stuck on, pathologically unable to finish; for a long time I was unable to look at it, and now I feel crushed by the weight of my own lack of action and the responsibility and the imagined failure I have projected onto myself, but I told myself I’m not going to do anything easy before I finish this incredibly difficult task,”

I would have said to them, “I’m sorry, but sounds insane. You have ADHD. I’m not a doctor, but from what I understand you don’t naturally produce enough dopamine to ram your head repeatedly into a wall of things that sound like the opposite of dopamine. You’ve set up a system wherein you have one very challenging objective, and you cannot engage in any of the behaviours that would make that objective easier for you until you finish that objective. This is not intelligent game design, and frankly it shows a total lack of kindness towards yourself. It is clearly not working. Try something else.”

It is very difficult to accept that what I would say to someone else is also what I deserve to hear and what is true for me. But every other month I still get comments from people from somewhere across the globe who read something I wrote and felt moved by it. And I think it's worth noting – it's vital for me to note to myself – that having the kind of brain I have does come with other skills.

When I wrote Cheer Up Buttercup I didn’t go into it with a grand plan, let alone conceptualise it as anything more moving or deep than “AU where everything is the same but Dirk works at Lush lol”. I wrote that first chapter fully expecting it to border on crackfic. I think to anyone reading it's obvious that it starts off matching the beats of a standard low-stakes shippy fluff fic. I got a lot of reviews that said things to the effect of "I thought this was going to be a dumb bath bomb store AU, then it got serious, what the fuck" and, honestly, that happened to me too as its writer. I followed that vein of joy of was something fluffy and silly and camp until I unexpectedly struck something more introspective that touched on heavier subject material.

And I have to stress, I don't mean that as "it started as cheap and stupid and then became a more worthwhile and meaningful fic", because the thing I love most about Cheer Up Buttercup is how it is both stupid and meaningful. It's fluffy and silly and camp, traits which are not easy or meaningless things to write, and it draws on very personal experiences, which can be exhausting to read. I still treasure reviews which say that the fluff made the serious less confronting and more accessible, that they didn't expect a Ted talk on mental health and cognitive behaviour patterns in the middle of their gay slowburn bath store AU but it had made them want to change the way they lived their life every day.

Since being diagnosed with ADHD I have suddenly had something to blame for traits I have that have been difficult to bear or highly inconvenient my whole life. I have had many days where I've broken down crying and said that I wished I didn't have ADHD and I could just Do Stuff Normally, With Planning And No Time Blindess. But Cheer Up Buttercup wasn't planned. It was entirely organic. I only sketched out the barest of plot outlines, which quickly spiralled into something completely different while I was writing the chapter where Todd decides to turn his life around. And I don't think I could have written it if I didn't have ADHD.

(I've also had multiple reviewers tell me that they love the way I write Dirk, particularly the neurodiverse aspects of his character. I write Dirk's neurodivergent expression partially based on my own feelings and experiences, and I always knew I had autism while writing Dirk, so I tagged "autistic Dirk" often. Being told that my Dirk seemed very ADHD was one of the first things that made me go, huh?? hmmm. uh-oh. nahhhh.)

I realise that I may sound here like I have a hugely inflated sense of self-importance and like I think my bath bomb store AU is a culturally relevant text soon to be studied in high schools across the nation. I promise I have no such illusions, it's one fic for a relatively small fandom, posted when the fandom was already losing traction and when hope of any further content was very slim. But I can't talk about that fic self-deprecatingly, I refuse to talk about it with anything other than affection and sincerity because it means a lot to me for many reasons, and chief among them is how much it means to other people.

I've had so many people leave comments or message me telling me that reading that fic made them want to change their life, or that they've reread it more than once and each time it motivates them to care for themselves. To me it doesn't matter if they're as successful as Todd is, or if the change is permanent, or even particularly long – and I definitely don't take credit for work that, ultimately, they and/or their loved ones do. I also know that I'm far from the only fic writer who's gotten reviews like that. But even then and either way, the value conferred onto that 100k ship fic by even one person telling me it has made them care about themself, even for just a moment, feels so immense to me that I can't picture the scope of it in my mind's eye.

By extension I feel a value has been conferred onto me, and my efforts, and my thoughts and feelings. And my brain, and the way it works. Because all of those things were put whole-heartedly into that fic. Again, I don't mean this in the sense of ego or importance but in the sense that it feels like being given a gift which in itself is the awareness of having a gift. Having it in the sense of being given it by others, having it in the sense of being born with it, having it in the sense that I want to give it to another person. It expands endlessly onto itself, precious and beautiful and startling. And a gift is something to be grateful for.

So, yes, alright, I may have not planned this post out either at all, as I very clearly start off saying that I can't describe how the reviews make me feel, then go on to try to describe how the reviews make me feel. And yes, this post may in fact have just been prompted by someone commenting on Cheer Up Buttercup and reminding me that I've written something worth rereading, and I likely would not have written this post this way if I knew how to Do Stuff Normal With Planning And No Time Blindness. But, thankfully, I have ADHD, so I just spent some uncertain amount of time realising that it's dumb that I'm imposing Do Stuff Normal People Rules on me, when I'm a Do Stuff At Total Random With Zero Planning But Golly Gosh, So Much Heart kind of person. And instead of waiting another two years for my brain to suddenly not have ADHD so I can finish my Farah fic and then, I don't know, become a bank clerk or something, I should just find a fic, any happy little fic, and write that. And trust that wherever it takes me will be more interesting than this.

And I miss the DGHDA universe. It is practically custom tailored for Do Stuff At Total Random With Zero Planning But Golly Gosh, So Much Heart kind of people. I miss finding a way to put a horse in a bathroom in every fic. I'll stop doing it once it stops being funny to me personally.

*As in I literally had a mental breakdown, that’s why I disappeared from the fandom. Not that I was a prominent person in any way I just mean that I used to interact with mutuals and friends a lot on Discord and Tumblr and then I just sort of disappeared.

[emissaryorca]

not my 2 am ass waxing philosophical about the vgm jazz/remix scene (source: I’ve been a cellist and pianist for 10+ years and i like vgm. next slide)

when i was in high school it was nigh impossible to imagine video game music meaning much more than “silly haha chiptune” or “Brahms or Dvorak wannabe” (aka cinematic orchestra--think Halo, Uncharted, AssCreed, etc). chiptune i should mention has its own merits and real ppl not only being good composers but also working to find suitable leads or balance sound channels for that good ear-feel (Mega Man 2, Metal Gear 2, Chrono Trigger, OutRun, Street Fighter 2, this list has no end). I see a lot of parallels w/ how classical music “pros” in the mid 2000s/early 2010s treated old school vgm + how the bigwigs of warner bros view animators--the medium they accompany downplays their value to those “on top” who assign a niche’s value for all us peons on the bottom. thankfully for us, some stuffy old violin maestro telling us that Hades’s music "is derivative” wont stop Darren Korb from setting the room on fire (musically. though he might moonlight as an arsonist idk the guy)

but now in the 2020s there’s a full-blown out and proud community of video game rearrangers working to just melt minds with their breakdowns and solos. I’ve been listening to ocremix since middle school so we’ve been around, but with insaneintherain now working on original music for games, he joins the ranks of folks like Chipzel, Danger, + Lena Raine who have been avowed game fans and now work from that inspiration. almost giving back, in a way. Pat Bartley, Adam Neely, the Consouls, and the 8-Bit Big Band are a few of the names spearheading an increasing awareness for the goldmine of a source that is vgm, to the point where the 8-bit big band’s cover of Taking Over the Halberd won a fucking Grammy. you can no longer hold orchestra elitism (”true musicians dont play kiddie music!!”) over me because everyone can hear how good these guys sound. theyre skilled, driven, and by God do they love video game music. + if ppl insist that the Grammys are how we must measure musical worth, well, best of both worlds. they garner a reputation and the gamers get one! your awards shows don’t lie, do they...?!

like i know this makes me a corny ass fucker but passion has kept this scene alive, kept ppl championing for its representation in the wider media. I wouldn’t canoodle over 02′s theme from Kirby 64 if I didn’t love the source track, and insaneintherain wouldn’t make so much of his identity Pokemon jazz if he didn’t want to devote his heart + soul to what he grew up playing. from what I can tell this passion is insular--from and for fans. no head honchos telling us what racks up views or is truly meaningful, no. if we remix Snake Eater in this house it’s bc the original track makes me feel things, not bc my director says it’s valid for using a full orchestra or whatever (which it does, plus Cynthia Harrell’s voice makes me tap dance, but that’s not the point. the point is emotional attachment, something that a purely technical discussion about tone or timbre falls short of covering. nostalgia and passion, hand in hand)

anyway thanks for reading this love letter to the one true flame that’s kept me from throwing myself off this mortal coil. have this funk version of Corridors of Time. vibe with the breakdowns and pat’s face-melting solo. maybe do a little triumphant, cathartic crying? i know i might

[icanonlybe-human]

For the first time since I started working, I put headphones in to listen to my own music (basically just Ren) and I felt so proud of myself because it was such a productive time and for once I wasn’t afraid of offending someone because fuck it I’m busy and Ren helps to keep me out of the spirals that end up with me dissociating and getting distracted. Plus other people in the office do it, so why can’t I. It’s the little things like letting myself use tools to help me focus that makes myself proud. It took a year, but I got there.

I also saw MC today, went to her share house and met her flat-mates. There was one in particular that I clicked with because we’re both obsessed with ancient history. It was good to have a quiet environment, and like usual MC was a good cook. But I also felt bad because it kept circling back to my manic depression. But, I mean, when you’re in an episode like this, everything in your life becomes attached to it. It’s a black sticky goo that covers your entire life and it’s hard to talk about anything without that goo making it’s way in. But I also introduced he to Ren, and she seems to really like him, so that’s one more person to watch his stuff.

But MC has a boyfriend now. Apparently he is autistic with ADHD and Christian, so I’m glad that she’s got someone, but I’m also glad that she seems to have realised that being around someone with mental disabilities is worth it, and that we might be a lot at times but we’re still worth being friends/partners with. You just have to be willing to make that little bit more effort.

In other news, I came home from dinner with MC to find Ju on the phone having a mental breakdown. The dishwasher broke over the weekend and now it’s got her in a spiral of “if I still had my husband.” I don’t think she heard me come in, so I snuck upstairs. I want to comfort her, but she was on the phone, I’m autistic and suck at comforting, it’s not really my business, and I’m so fucking drained.

I was describing manic depression to MC, because she didn’t know there were different types of depression and different levels of the really bad shit. When I was talking to her, I was having one of my extreme energy moments, but I’m really feeling it now. My entire body hurts and I’m really tired. A type of tired that can’t be fixed by sleep. It might help, but it’ll be interesting to see how my mood and energy tracks tomorrow.

It’s also the long weekend this coming weekend, so at least there’s that to look forward to. I’m going to visit Nan.

[cathymeep]

2/4/23

i’m not one to usually have a breakdown at work (at least not at this new job) but i have so many emotions brewing inside of me right now. i feel disappointed, heartbroken, scared, worried, hopeless, anxious, depressed. i knew deep down that my ankle pain was bad and that i probably was never going to fully recover from it, but hearing those words from a doctor fucking shattered me. i’ve lived with this chronic and constant pain for over a year now and for a long time i genuinely thought that i was going crazy because no one understood and no one grasped just how much pain i was in. i guess i’m so emotional because he validated what i’ve felt for the past year and also reaffirmed that i’m not crazy for feeling the pain i’ve felt. but to think that i will not be able to hike anymore or to do a lot of activities i used to enjoy thinking just breaks me. i wasn’t ready for it. i genuinely am just a hodge podge of emotions right now. i’m only 26. this isn’t fair, this isn’t how i pictured my recovery going. to think that i may need ANOTHER surgery just sounds draining to me, mentally and physically. my mom is right in the sense that there will be things i will be able to do to live a more comfortable life and that i will have to make a lot of lifestyle changes, but i don’t think i’ve let myself grieve the loss that comes from that too. i accepted a while ago that i can’t hike and that my activity is limited, but i didn’t expect things to be as bad as they are. i knew deep down though, i just didn’t want to accept it. i need to let myself feel these emotions though. i need to let myself grieve this part of my life that will forever be changed once i get that MRI to find out what’s really going on either way, it’s going to drastically change my life physically, emotionally, and mentally. i really need support through this right now and i’m bummed i won’t be able to see jarid for a while. i’m going to try and see if i can schedule a telehealth call with him at least the week before i leave on my trip. i don’t think i can go that long without seeing him after receiving this news. i feel broken and hurt from this, but i know i’ll get through it just like i have been this past year or even 2 years at this point. i just need to let myself FEEL all of this. i’m proud of myself for sticking to my sobriety though. if this was me a year ago, i would be getting stupid high just trying to numb myself from feeling any of the hurt i feel right now. i know i’m doing things in a healthy way though. i just needed to jot some feelings down. i still feel sad and i will probably keep bursting into tears for a while, but it felt good to let this all out. i’m glad my boss isn’t here today so i can just try and process these emotions without explaining myself. i don’t think i can do it yet without losing it. anyways, i’ll check back in in a few days to see how i’m feeling.

[princehrry-writings]

Ever and Ever

this has been in my folder since may 😅 so i figured i'd slap an ending on and give it to you because i was writing this when i was feeling the same way myself. being body neutral isn't easy :) drink some water, take a deep breath, and be proud of yourself for opening your eyes today, because sometimes that's all we can do to keep going <3

warning: body image topics, if that is something you don't feel comfortable reading please take care of yourself and skip this!! plus size!reader

wordcount: 1165

masterlist

H gifts her a dress but it’s too small and she has a bit of a breakdown.

.

.

.

“Harry, it’s beautiful!”

“Yeah? Go try it on!” The smile on Harry’s face was too big for her to do anything other than agree. As soon as she saw it, she knew it probably wasn’t going to fit but how could she tell him that without 1. embarrassing herself and 2. breaking his heart.

So she took it with her to the bathroom and fit it on to her body, barely able to zip it up and looked into the mirror. She gazed upon all the places where her skin bulged out of the dress, how it was so skin tight she could barely breathe, and she did everything in her power to hold back the tears threatening to fall.

Y/n had been a big girl her whole life. It was nothing new to her. And while most days she was perfectly happy in her body, there were days like today that made it hard to see the bright side of things.

She always had a fear that she would never be able to fit into her future boyfriend’s (or girlfriend’s) clothes, and the first time Harry tried to give her a sweatshirt, she took one look at the tag and almost had a panic attack. Honestly, she started breathing harder and her hands started to shake. She was terrified that he would walk out on her because she wasn’t “skinny”.

And now here she was in a dress he bought for her… and it didn’t fit. She felt terrible, because now he’d have to return it and go through the hassle of all of that and she just felt so bad.

A tear escaped from her waterline as she got the zipper down, doing her best to suck everything in so the seams didn’t pop. Also trying not to let the sobs bubbling in her throat out.

Once the dress was safely back on the hanger and in the bag, she got dressed and went back out with the dress in hand.

“You don’t like it?” Harry’s face fell as soon as she walked out, which made her want to cry harder.

Trying to hold it together enough to tell him was hard enough, but he looked like a puppy who just got kicked and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

“Harry- No, I l-love it but i-it’s too sm-small. I’m so s-sorry!” She could barely speak, she started crying so hard. Harry kicked into gear, scooping her up into his arms and slinging the dress over the back of the couch. Her knees gave out and he sank down to the group with her cradles against his chest.

His heart absolutely broke, seeing the girl he loved so broken down over something as silly as a dress not fitting. Sometimes he forgets how hard she works to keep a positive attitude about her body image. She worked really fucking hard… It was days like this that reminded him just how strong she really was to wake up every morning and love her body, it’s not an easy task. Not when the whole world seems to be telling her she’s too big, not good enough, never the one people look at. She always felt like she was just the fat best friend in the tv show. She was never the main character.

She’s his main character though. She’s the main girl in his story. The one he spends all his time daydreaming about like he’s a teenage boy in a coming of age movie.

As he rocks them back and forth, he pets her hair back, cooing sweet nothings into her ear, hoping to calm her down enough to breathe properly.

“My sweet girl, s’alright. Everything’s gonna be alright.” He whispered, pressing gentle kisses to her forehead.

When her breathing had calmed down enough, to where she could take a whole deep breath without stuttering, Harry pulled away lightly, and looked down at her red puffy face, tear stains down her cheeks.

“Darling?”

‘Hm?” She hummed, nuzzling deeper into his chest, still trying to breath without stuttering.

“You know I’m not mad that it didn’t fit right? That was my fault! I just saw it and didn’t even look at the tag. I know I should have, baby. I’m sorry!” He murmured into her hair, pressing his lips to the top of her head.

“You shouldn’t have to look at the tag! I hate that you have to be conscious of that shit!” She whined, and the tears started all over again.

“No baby! I-”

“I wish I could j-just pick something o-off the rack and n-not have to worry about w-what size it is! I wish I wasn’t like this!” She cried out, holding Harry tighter. He pulled her closer, rocking back and forth once again.

“Baby, I need you to breathe with me please. We’ve gotta get you calmed down, can’t have you passing out on me.” He cooed into her ear, taking her hands into his and pressing them against his chest so she can feel his calm and even breaths. She struggled to get her lungs to cooperate, and the room was getting darker but eventually Harry’s efforts began to work and her breathing slowed down.

Some moments of silence passed, with Y/n breathing steadily and Harry rocking her back and forth to keep her calm, before she spoke up.

“M’sorry I’m such a burden…” She whispered.

“M’love, you are anything but a burden. You’re my everything, and if I didn’t have you, I don’t know what I’d do with myself. I love you for who you are, I love your body the way it is. I love holding onto you at night, love the way your stretch marks sparkle in the sunlight, and I think my favorite thing about your body is your thighs…” His smirk clued her in on what he was about to say, making her giggle prematurely.

“Keeps my head nice and warm when I’m between them.” The cheeky bastard, always knows what to say to cheer his girl up.

She lightly hit his chest making him laugh, pressing kisses to her temple and squeezing her tighter.

“I’m gonna take it back tomorrow, do you want me to get you the same one in the right size or do you want to just forget about it?” He inquired lightly, hoping it wouldn’t upset her.

“Let’s just forget it, got bad memories attached to it now…” She said and he nodded. They stayed like that on the floor for a bit longer, before Y/n started complaining that her legs were falling asleep so they got up and went to lay down on the couch.

“Thank you for loving me, H, even when I don’t love myself…” She whispers to him, her head rested on his chest.

“You never have to thank me for loving you, I should thank you for letting me. Will always love you, forever and ever and ever.”

[honey-milk-depresso]

so i had a mental breakdown in my server, sorry for people who just joined ignore my rants and stuff-

TW: Death, mentions of suicidal thoughts, me keeping pent up frustration for 5 months, uncensored words

but i was crying so much, it felt so gross, and geez idk how i broke my dam of emotions today but-

ever since my grandpa died, on the day of my birthday, it was the first time i had to ever think of crying in front of someone or just act natural and say “thanks” if they wished me. honestly i thought i didn’t deserve those wishes or gifts. i should’ve been there to see my granda’s last days but i was so busy with school and other things i couldn’t fly back to see him.

so, that was my first time ever concealing very hard i was super sad. then on top of it all, i have to tackle exams, and my feelings were just giving in, and i did not meet my expectations at all. i wasn’t proud of myself, and i was angry about myself for caving in to my own words, and yet again i resorted to not telling or showing people how sad i was.

my logic was (and still is) that if im not prioritising others, im being selfish and a horrible friend. the fact that i was growing to be more resentful towards the people i love didnt help either.

@his-jinny who deactivated after anons harassed them over plagiarism, anons kept complaining to me about how she was being a coward even after she left like im the culprit, and even before that demanded and pressured me to respond to the situation i wasn’t even involved in.

i was so annoyed, and frustrated, and i wanted to flip them off, but i didnt wanna be rude and insensitive since they also had a point my friend didnt listen to the blogger to stop doing that twice, i said something completely rational while i grew so irrational and feral about it.

and i kept it to myself.

my irl situation was... pretty stupid honestly. my social life got harassed by someone i thought was a friend, abandoned me when i was no use to help them in academics anymore after seeing my math grades drop to a B.

obviously, mad at that piece of shit, but i didnt really said anything much other than “they’re being shitty”. i felt way more than that.

time goes by, and everyone around me see me as that bratty over 3 fictional characters and i felt treated like dirt wipes by everyone. like even if i was useful once im dirty you threw me away and tossed me around like i wasn’t of any value. like i shouldn’t be treated with respect and you called me “bitch” and “motherfucker” and what not. yeah, i know that, don’t have to remind me thanks. and i was caught up in this dilemma of being truthful about how toxic i was getting or making sure everyone dont get hurt. obviously, majority feel great than one individual feels like shit, and i went with it.

i mean, being exposed to it would’ve naturally made me do the same, too, right? i felt like i was (and is) in no position to tell anyone off.

and it went on and on with people on tumblr, on discord, irl, online all treat me like fucking nothing and that im not in control of who i am and what i do, and it felt like i was living off of people’s expectations and feelings that i just crumbled.

all those dark thoughts... i thought of even caving in. i can’t express or describe to you how painful and how morbid and gruesome these thoughts were. i couldn’t even imagine i could think of such things of doing to myself.

i can’t tell you exactly what they were, but they were terrifying, and i was scared, and cold, and lonely in all those thoughts. if you compared “usual” me to when im really by myself and alone, you wouldn’t think that was me.

but being “me” online didn’t felt like me at all.

i felt that who i was is horrifying, and no should know. why would i want you all getting out of my life? i couldn’t imagine that!

but that’s selfish of me, keeping everyone to myself. then what am i supposed to do? cave into those dark thoughts and just do it? no, i wouldn’t, i would hurt people. but that’s pretty egoistic of me and selfish to think people would worry about me and be burdened or even bothered about me, won’t it?

so much dilemma, so much of spiraling down an endless hole of confusion, anger and desolation.

and to think i broke down after so long, crying in vc was so embarrassing despite having people tell me it’s not.

i was so mad at everyone and everything, i thought i was being selfish, and that they were too, but that’s all because it’s my fault for being the worst.

people who rant so confidently and even to me i wondered why cant i be like them? why do i have to hide and cower like a loser?

and i tell people you’re brave to be expressing your feelings, and i didnt. i was in a horrible state (and still am).

i was so mentally torn to shreds i started to be more exaggerated that im fine, i was happy, you think im in love with t*ey despite me saying no (like an annoying bitch- im so annoying-) and again i caved in to those anons saying im not worth to be in the twst fandom, or any fandom or with anyone. im just... a bad person.

im a bad person who cant handle themselves.

i wish i can take a break, but i cant. i have work to do and important stuff ahead of me i must continue on to work hard.

@rizavi-m @sherbet-shark @quaintl1ng @mehletmesleep thanks but i dont feel like im worth anyone’s time.

but hopefully, i won’t fall victim to those dark thoughts of mine.

[lilfunnyquotes]

So I finished the season finale of Euphoria and I am deeply sad. Now a Pepa monologue is being born. I...apologize but writing these super long monologues is actually pretty fun and I tend to write a lot when I’m sad so I added a “keep reading” mark for this one. ;-;

DISCLAIMER: If you’ve never seen Euphoria, do not watch it if you’re under the age of 18. It is very inappropriate and dark and contains themes that would be much too overwhelming and triggering for anyone under 18. 

(Pepa narrating.)

(Imagine her waking up to her husband cuddling her, seeing clouds already formed above their canopy.)

Sometimes I can’t believe that this is my reality.

(She looks over at her husband, who’s sleeping away)

I’m married to this amazing man right here. He’s genuinely and madly in love with me. He truly isn’t bothered by my emotions. He still considers our wedding to be one of the most joyous days of his life even though I nearly killed everyone in town, including myself and him.

Sometimes I wonder if he just loves to make me feel good. The feeling that must build inside of him to see me express myself is one I could only associated with some weird mix of love and lust. But Félix...he’s just...he’s more complex than that.

Félix is someone I’d call “an angel that my father gifted me”. Even though I never got to meet him, I don’t doubt that he’s watching over us and our odd family. If he were still alive, he’d probably get on me for beating up so many kids while also being proud that I did it to stand up for Bruno. He’d probably cheer us on every day in sharp contrast of mamá cursing us out.

Honestly, the only reason I didn’t completely lose it on her and blow her away with a violent tornado was because I could fight. Those kids gave me the leverage I needed. Every time they shoved Bruno...every time they called him a name...every time they took his lunch...they would go back home with a new injury and no precious healing foods from my sister. The experience...always made school fun for me. Much more than it should have...

And it’s not like I didn’t have my reasons for it, I had plenty. A reason to be a cool older sister. A reason to beat some kids into the dirt. A reason to vent out all of my frustrations from school, community helping, life, love and lack thereof, literally everything. And I had Bruno to thank for that. I missed him dearly when he left. He was the only reason I could feel complete as a person and a Madrigal in comparison to Julieta. The original golden child. 

(At the breakfast table. Pepa started breakfast eyeing her sister, who was happily chatting with her husband and middle daughter.)

To say that I envy Julieta is an understatement. She gets praise because her gift is actually useful, while mine is essentially a death sentence and Bruno’s is slowly eating his brain. She came out of puberty looking and feeling amazing and I came out of it feeling gross and bloated all of the time. I think the worst part about it all is that she not only gave birth first, but her daughter became the new golden child.

(Pepa was eyeing her brother while he ate, gesturing him to finish his food with her gaze.)

Then there’s Bruno. He never bothered with love, and I honestly don’t blame him. If people treated me like the town pariah, I’d say fuck it and never look back. Well...if Félix and I never met, that definitely would have happened.

It’s strange, though. Bruno had been back for several weeks, but it still felt like it was yesterday. I remember those first few nights without him here... 

Holy shit, they were some of the worst...I think I had a mental breakdown five times...all I could remember was him making that shitty joke at my wedding and then disappearing.

Then it turned into hatred. Because all I could remember was that shitty joke.

(Many years ago at Pepa’s wedding, she was having a bit of a nervous fit when he came up to her and said that.)

“Heh heh, looks like rain, ey Pepi?” Like who the fuck says that to someone who’s sweating bullets at her wedding, let alone to someone with horrifying weather powers? I’m happy he’s back and he’s getting a free pass right now, but I’m never letting him live that shit down. That was just-

(Pepa paused. She felt a hand on her arm.)

Great. I was thundering. And glaring. You know what, I don’t really care. I have other stuff to worry about.

(After breakfast, Pepa returned to her room with her husband and their youngest son. Félix was helping Antonio get ready for his first day with his new gift, while Pepa just watched them and smiled.)

Like my little boy.

My poor Antonio had so much pressure put on him...by the entirety of this town. Every single person gathered to our house to see him receive his gift, and every time it never failed to remind me that I’m stuck with this gift. Antonio. My poor Toñio.

He was actually scared of not getting a gift. I don’t know if it was because of Mirabel or because of me or just because that much pressure is too much for a 5 year old...but he was so scared...no 5 year old kid should be that afraid, especially not on their birthday.

And I just know that mamá would have treated him just as badly as she treated Mirabel...I just know she’d have a fit and blame the magic dying. She’s always cared more about the goddamn magic than any of us and I was sick of it. My baby boy wasn’t going to come into a world where he was shunned by his abuela for something he couldn’t control. And if we’re being honest...I’ve always hated how mamá treated Mira. I never understood it.

All because she had no gift.

I envy her for having no gift.

[krreader]

loving you is a losing game | the aftermath.

pairing: park jimin x sister!reader ; kim taehyung x actress!reader fandom: bts  warnings: actress!reader ; language genre: angst ; fluff word count: 4k+ previous: x

summary: all that jimin ever wanted to do was protect you. this time, however, he failed you and his best friend, taehyung.

a/n: I told y’all I wouldn’t let you wait this time haha. I’m super glad to see all your feedback though, all your messages were wonderful and I love you all <3

Jimin had left that night when you and Taehyung had broken up. He couldn't bear looking into his eyes, knowing that he caused all this hurt to both you and him.

But when he walked back into the apartment the next day, he quietly sat down next to Taehyung for the first time since he found out about you and him and found Taehyung smiling at him.

Despite that, Jimin could tell that it didn't reach his eyes.

Throughout the next weeks, their relationship got better again. Still, he caught Taehyung stare at his phone so often and whenever the message from that special someone didn't come, he put it down and closed his eyes, visibly disappointed and sad. Jimin never mentioned you to him in those weeks, not knowing how to even bring it all up, but Taehyung didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about you anyway.

Simultaneously, Jimin tried calling you multiple times, but was never able to get a hold of you.

It was only when his mother finally called and told him that you had come home that he decided to drive up to Busan in hopes of mending the relationship with you... if that was even possible at thit point.

You weren't there when he arrived though. 

“Where is she?” he asked his mother as soon as he stepped foot inside the house.

“I don’t know... she went out a few hours ago and hasn’t come back since,” his mother fidgeted with the kitchen towel in her hand, “I’m worried, Jimin.”

Jimin knew were you were. 

Where you always were when you were upset and couldn’t stand being at home.

It was only a 10 minute walk to a secluded area at the beach where him and you used to spend all your childhood at. You often knocked heads with the family and whenever you did, you came here to think. The only one that you ever told about this place was Jimin, the only one in the family that you always knew you could lean onto. 

Funny how times had changed.

And indeed, there you were, sitting in the sand, staring out at the beach, not moving a muscle when he sat down next to you.

That’s a good start, right?

Jimin tried to find the right thing to say, but he couldn't. Nothing made sense when it was all his fault, when he was simply too proud to see you and his best friend dating, thinking that it was somehow wrong.

But what was wrong was you and Taehyung feeling this way because of him. He had only seen Taehyung, but he saw how heartbroken he was. He could only imagine what you must feel like, as Taehyung was the one that broke up with you... for Jimin.

“I looked up to you my entire life, you know? Way before you became an idol, even. Every time someone would ask who I wanted to be when I grew up, I answered Park Jimin. People would laugh, but I didn't care, because you were my biggest hero. You were the one person that always made people happy, were always happy to bring smiles into people’s faces and where always there when I needed you. And I was always so proud to call you my brother,” you turned your head to look at him, him looking right back at you with wide eyes, “Now I wish I didn't even know you.”

“You don't mean that,” he said quietly, but his voice broke nonetheless. 

“I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.”

“It does,” Jimin instantly grabbed your hands, “Please, listen to me. Let me explain why..-”

“BigHit was very kind and introduced me to someone from Marvel. They offered me a role in their newest movie,” you interrupted him mid-sentence.

BigHit? Jimin was taken aback at first, but then his blood instantly started to boil, knowing damn well they did that because they wanted you to leave for Jimin and Taehyung to mend their relationship, even if it meant further breaking that of him and you.

They couldn’t care less about your relationship with Jimin.

“I'm leaving next week and if things go well, I might stay. Being a Hollywood actress surely isn't so bad.”

“(Y/N), listen to me,” he shook his head to get BigHit out of his thoughts, “I just want you to..-”

“No, Jimin,” you got up, him instantly doing the same, “I don't think you realize just how much I meant what I said before.”

“But we're family! Stop saying these things, they don't make sense,” Jimin was a very emotional person. He couldn’t hold back his tears when he realized you were slipping out of his grasp fast. You were still staying strong though, “You're my baby sister. The one I'm always supposed to protect, the one that I can't lose...”

You gulped down hard, knowing the impact of what you said next, “You already have.”

You walked away after that, not being able to see the dispair in his eyes, before he slowly crumbled and started sobbing.

And even though you wanted to be cold, when you walked away, a few tears escaped your eyes, knowing that you just lost the love of your life and brother in a matter of weeks. 

But that was ultimately the reason why you had to leave. The loss of such important people, where everything reminded you of both, you wouldn’t be able to function anymore. So you decided that leaving was the best option.

Your mother must have known about this beforehand, because when Jimin walked back into the house, she instantly opened up her arms for him, her son cradling against her chest and crying into it like he was a young boy again.

“It’s going to be okay... she’ll forgive you,” she whispered into his hair, gently rubbing over his back, “Just give her time. Time and space is what she needs most right now.”

He knew that she was right, but not doing anything and just letting you leave was so fucking hard for him. He ended up staying at his parents the entire week, not knowing what to do with himself otherwise.

And it was only when he came home a week later and you had already left for the US, that he looked right into Taehyung’s eyes and knew he had to be the one to tell him that you were gone.

“Hollywood,” he repeated, a small smile spreading on his face. Jimin couldn’t see his eyes, but he assumed that it didn’t reach them, “She always dreamt of that.”

“Yeah... she did,” Jimin gulped down hard and continued to stare at Taehyung, because he could tell that he wouldn’t hold out for much longer.

And indeed, within seconds, he started sobbing, so hard, that Jimin instantly pulled him into his arms and tried to calm his shaking body best friend down.

And once again, all that Jimin could think was: this is all my fault. I destroyed their lives... their future.

In all these months that you were gone, Jimin didn't give up, even if his mother told him that it was no use. He kept trying to text and call, not caring that you never responded. The only way he could see was through promotional photos from set, through interviews and the only way to really know what was going on with you was when his mother told him about it. 

With each and every day you slipped more and more away from him, until one day he realized that he completely lost you, yet Taehyung was right at his side, holding his hand at a concert and smiling at him, showing him that he was still here... because he chose him.

Taehyung chose him over you.

And as Jimin was looking into his best friend’s eyes, filled with tears, Taehyung instantly knew what he was thinking about... or rather who. 

Not wanting ARMY to catch on, Taehyung pulled him into his arms and held onto him firmly.

“It's my fault,” he whispered into his ear, “We lost her... because of me.”

And unfortunately, he was right.

That night, Jimin and Taehyung sat down together on their balcony at home and talked about the entire thing for the first time... ever.

“How did it start?” Jimin asked.

Taehyung was hesitant at first, but then he started pouring his heart out, seemingly happy that he was finally able to share this story with someone, “It was when we had a concert here years ago. She came to watch it and I was having a really bad day. I locked myself in a room and just cried... or at least I thought I locked the door. She walked in on me having that mental breakdown. And you know her... she worried like crazy,” he let out a laugh, “She always worried about me. Right from the start.”

“She got that from our mom,” he said with a small smile.

“She stayed with me that day until I stopped crying, held my hand and told me that things would get better again. And the next day, she texted me this entire paragraph about how good I was doing and how proud she was, not just of me, but of the band. I felt... really bad about her worrying so much over me, so I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with me. She agreed, but then we couldn't agree on a restaurant and ended up eating Ramen at the Han. We talked all night long... just talked...”

Jimin listened tentatively, but his eyes became sadder within each second again, especially when he saw how much this still affected Taehyung. The more he talked about you, the more his eyes lit up, but then that flame quickly disappeared again when he realized this was all in the past.

“We did that once a week, then. Just meeting up to talk. We did nothing else for four months. And then one day I looked at her and I realized that I had fallen for her... without me even having noticed it. It just hit me right in the face. Like... wow. I really love that girl, you know?”

“Did you tell her?”

“Couldn't. I felt really bad for even having these feelings. Because... you know,” he looked at Jimin, but he didn't say that it was because of him, “I hid it for months until she called me one night, completely drunk and asked me to pick her up. I did, drove her home, got her into bed and that's when she began crying, poured her heart out and told me that she had fallen in love with me, but hated herself for it, because she knew that loving me would hurt you. And she couldn't hurt you, not when you meant the world to her.”

Great, he thought this couldn't get any worse.

“We put the cards out on the table a week later and realized that we only had two options. End it before it even began or try and keep it a secret so that you wouldn't get affected by it. We picked the second option and promised to not tell you until we warmed you up to the idea. But... that obviously hadn’t worked out.”

Jimin gulped down his drink in one go, swirled it around in his mouth for a moment, then quietly said after a moment: “Why'd you choose me when you loved her so much?”

A question that he had always wondered about.

“I thought it was the right decision.”

“You thought?”

Taehyung looked up at the stars, “You did so much for me in the past... I wouldn’t be here as the person that I am if it hadn’t been for you. So at the time, it made sense. But now that I see my empty future... I see that I fucked up. Because she was my future.”

Jimin didn't reply, just lowered his head in shame.

“I even bought her a ring, you know?” Taehyung laughed, though only to hide the hurt, “But that's on me that I didn't give it to her. I thought I still had time.”

“Maybe you do.”

Taehyung looked at his best friend, the sad smile back on his face, “It’s easier to forgive a brother than it is to forgive someone like me. And I can’t even blame her,” he pulled out the ring from his pocket, a beautiful ring that looked a lot like an engagement ring, but Jimin didn’t ask any further questions, “I’d pick her any day now over everything and everyone. But I don’t have that chance anymore. So all I hope for now is that you and her will be happy again.”

Jimin sighed deeply, “If I could turn back time, I would. I would do things differently, give you my blessing and tell you that I'm happy for you.”

Taehyung just leaned back, still playing with the ring as he continued to look up at the stars, “I know you would.”

You had successfully avoided your family for a while now, always putting your career first and not looking at anything other than. Your parents were often angry, up until you literally flew them out because there was no way you’d step foot into Korea again so soon.

But while you were now one of Hollywood’s upcoming actresses due to your hard work, your oldest brother had found love and was getting married. And well... this one, you couldn't get out of.

“Thanks for coming,” your brother hugged you when you finally arrived at the venue, “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” you smiled, “And I'm so happy for you. I can't wait to finally get to meet the lucky woman.”

“Ha, you're just saying that, you'll tell embarrassing stories about me the moment that you meet her.”

You just wiggled your eyebrows, then smiled even brighter when you heard your mother let out a loud squeal and pull you into her arms, your father hugging both of you, not wanting to wait any longer for his daughter to be in his arms.

“Finally, my beautiful daughter,” she leaned back a little, tears in her eyes, making you and your brother chuckle.

“Mom, you're not supposed to cry yet.”

“Ah, stop it,” she hit your brother and then turned him around, “What are you even doing here, you need to get ready. I'll help you. And you? Don't run off, alright? I want to spend some time with my daughter.”

“I won't,” you chuckled and watched them disappear, your father just following them with a chuckle.

And of course, there was one person missing in the mix. Should have known that he’d show up sooner, rather than later.

“You look beautiful,” the voice made you take in a deep breath, then let it out once you were looking at him.

He wasn't the confident man that you once know standing there. He was unsure, nervous, sad, but at the same time, happy to see you.

“Thank you.”

“I wasn't sure whether or not you'd come. If I had known..-”

“Don't be ridiculous, you're his brother too.”

“I wasn't talking about me.”

A second later, Bangtan joined him, Taehyung immediately stopping when he saw you.

After all this time, you thought that you were over it. You thought that if you were to ever see him again, you’d just keep your cool, smile and be graceful about it, but your heart seemed to break all over again.

If it hadn’t been for Jeongguk, you maybe even would have started to cry as all the memories were flooding back in. Especially the ones about the break-up. 

“I saw your movie,” Jeongguk beamed, “You were so cool!”

“Thanks,” you shook your head a little, now focusing on the youngest member so that you didn’t have to look at either Taehyung, nor Jimin anymore, “I should.. probably go inside and say hello to everyone.”

Jimin took a step forward, his hand reaching out, but then he quickly dropped it, just like his shoulders did.

None of them were affected by you, only Jimin and Taehyung. Both of them were left standing there, even though the others followed you inside.

Taehyung was the first to speak: “I shouldn't be here. I'll only make her uncomfortable.”

“No, please. Please, stay.”

It was the desperation in his eyes that made Taehyung nod, ultimately.

Still, he didn't feel like he belonged here anymore. Not when he broke your heart and ruined so much in your family.

And throughout the entire wedding, he couldn't focus on anything but you. And as if you could feel his eyes burning into the back of your head, he often found you turn around to look at him, Taehyung quickly averting his gaze to look somewhere else instead.

On a more positive note, the celebration was beautiful, your brother's wife was glowing and he was the happiest you had ever seen him. Even if you had wanted to leave early... you couldn't. You had missed this, missed him, missed your mother and father, missed the memories all these three brought you.

And if you were being honest... you even missed Jimin. 

A conversation that you had with your mother a while ago came back:

“He visits a lot these days, you know? Jimin, I mean. He always goes up to your room and makes sure that it’s cleaned... just in case you’re coming back anytime soon.”

“I won’t,” you said plainly.

You heard your mother sigh on the other end of the phone, “You know, (Y/N), I will never presume to know what it must have felt like, your brother doing this to you and your partner betraying you like this. But do you want it to be like this for the rest of your life? Do you want to hate Jimin forever?”

“I don’t hate Jimin,” you hadn’t even thought about it, were even surprised when you said it, “I just.. don’t know how to forgive him.”

“You won’t know until you talk to him again, my love. You can ignore him for the next years to come, but you won’t come any closer to forgiving him. So if that is truly what you want... then talk to him.”

And so after you gulped down your champagne and took a deep breath, you walked outside and joined your brother that was standing on his own.

“So, you'll be the next to get married?” Jimin was so surprised when you started to talking to him as he was getting some fresh air outside, but you didn’t look angry. Maybe unsure of how to talk to him, but not hostile.

“What? With whom?” he laughed nervously, “I haven’t had a girlfriend in years.”

“Ah, I'm sure mom has a few girls that she's eyeing. What was that one girl’s name... the daughter of the baker.”

“Please, don't. I still have trauma from that awkward date that she forced on me,” you both snorted and suddenly the atmosphere between you felt like what it once was. And Jimin hated to ruin it, but he had to know: “Are you okay? I mean.. we haven't talked in a long time and I only hear what mom tells me.”

“You know how it is when your career is at its peek. A lot of stress, but a lot of rewards too.”

“I wasn't talking about your career, I was talking about you.”

You pondered over your next words for a moment, then you said: “I had a lot of time to think about everything. About my life,” you began to smile, even if only just a little bit, “I don’t know when I’ll be able to look at you and not feel hurt. But... when I look at you now, I also realize that I’ve missed you. And if my heart tells me that, then I can’t really hate you, right? So I would like to... I don’t know. Talk. A little. Maybe.”

And his entire stance changed instantly. His shoulder slumped, he began taking in a sharp breath of air and he was on the verge of tears.

“No, don't cry,” you shook your head, even let out a little laugh, “I’m just saying that I’d like to try again. You’re my big brother and... mom is right. I don’t want to spend my life trying to hate someone that I still love. Deep down.”

“I'd like that,” he said, pressing his fingers into his eyes when he couldn’t control the tears anymore.

You just smirked.

The wedding was slowly dissolving. The first guests had left hours ago and now it was only the family left, but even those were beginning to say their goodbye’s.

At a table, Bangtan was sitting with your brother, laughing wholeheartedly.

But one person was missing.

You walked back into the room where your brother and his wife had gotten married and found him standing at the altar, staring at it.

It was hard for you to come up with something to say, so you just waited until he finally noticed that you were here.

“Always thought I’d see you in a hall like this with a wedding dress on while you’re walking towards me, you know?” Taehyung said with a sad smile.

“It probably would have been like that if you hadn’t chosen my brother that night,” you approached him, to Taehyung’s surprise.

“Yeah, I don’t think he looks as pretty as you would in a wedding dress.”

This caught you off-guard. So much, that you actually began to laugh.

He always knew how to break the ice.

“Did you know that he used to wear mom’s dresses and play teaparty with me when we were kids? I thought he looked really pretty.”

“That’s very valuable information that I will bring up at the right time, thank you very much.”

Given your uncomfortable and awkward hello earlier, he hadn’t expected you to talk so casually with each other, but... maybe time healed some wounds.

Taehyung wanted to take a step forward to be closer to you, but he wasn’t sure if you were okay with that, so he just stayed right there.

“I regret it every single moment of my life, you know? Every waking moment I think of you and hate myself for what I did to you. For what I did to us.”

You didn’t reply, just gulped down the clump in your throat.

“If only I had made the right choice that day... if only I had tried to convince Jimin that I was good for you and that you would be safe with me... then maybe it would have been us standing here today.”

In regards to Taehyung, you also had a lot of time to think. Whereas you always just felt hurt in the beginning, you tried to put yourself in his shoes eventually.

What if it had been Taehyung’s sister that objected so much to your relationship that you knew it was either her, your best friend, or Taehyung? Would you have picked him and thrown away a year-long friendship?

Would you have picked him over the girl that knew your deepest and darkest secrets? That walked through hell and back for you? That loved you unconditionally and would forever, no matter what?

The answer to this question was the reason that you were the one to take a step towards Taehyung.

“But it is you and me standing here today.”

His breathing got uneven, even more so when you took another step towards him.

“How can I fix this, (Y/N)?” he whispered, “I’ll do anything... I swear, anything.”

You reached out until your hand cupped his cheek, your thumb brushing over the softness of his skin, “I don’t know how long it would take...”

Taehyung wrapped his hand around your wrist, making sure that you didn’t pull back.

“You have my life, (Y/N). I don’t care how long it takes, I will do anything to convince you that I’m not making the same mistake twice.”

It wouldn’t be easy, forgiving him, nor Jimin was something that you could do in a matter of minutes. But you wanted to try, so that your heart could finally get rid of all the hurt and hate.

So you wrapped your arms around him and hugged him, breathing in the scent that instantly brought back memories, but this time, all the good ones.

And so you smiled, Taehyung pulling you closer and burying his face into your neck.

“I’m so sorry, beautiful.”

And while the two of you were standing at the altar, hugging, Jimin was standing in the entryway with a smile and let out a happy sigh.

“Please be happy together... because I love you both so much.”

[fruitcoops]

i feel like you write really good arguments, as a few people have brought up before, where the parties make mistakes but own up to them and acknowledge the other side. Same thing with Captain Sirius- his reprimands are always respectful. It feels mature and just well-thought out. But we know Sirius wasn't always like that, because he came to dumo's house knowing arguments=violence. Would you write a fic where Sirius learns how to argue/captain? maybe from Dumo-the-parent? Does that make sense?

Father-son bonding on this fine Thursday! I love it! SW credit goes to @lumosinlove <3

Dumo’s phone rang halfway through his lunch, which wasn’t unusual, except for the fact that it was Sirius calling and not…well, literally anyone else. Sirius seemed rather allergic to his phone—text replies often went unanswered for an average of 3 hours, and he wasn’t sure he had ever managed to reach Sirius on the first ring. Concern flickered in his chest and he lifted it to his ear.

“H—”

“Oh, thank god,” Sirius said, breathless. “Hi, hello, it’s me—uh, it’s Sirius—and I was just calling to ask for some help because I’m the captain now—you know that, what am I doing—and I don’t have a fucking clue what to do and I’m kind of—”

“Sirius,” Dumo interrupted as soon as his astonishment faded. He had never heard Sirius say so many words in so little time. Silence fell on the other end of the line. “Sirius, are you still there?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Okay, take a deep breath, then tell me what you need.”

Another beat of quiet passed. “So, I’m the captain now.”

“You are.”

“And the guys really like you, but I don’t even know where to start, so I was hoping you could give me a hand with this.”

“With what?”

“How do I make people like me?” Sirius asked, sounding uncharacteristically timid.

Dumo paused, confused. “They already do.”

“But I’m the captain now. They have to like me more, right?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose, torn between laughing and laying down to stave off a headache. “Why don’t you come over and we can talk in person, alright?”

“Right.” Sirius cleared his throat. “Right, yeah, about that.”

“Sirius. Are you—are you currently on my porch?”

“…maybe.” Dumo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s kind of cold out here.”

“You have a key.”

“I thought it would be rude to just let myself in.”

“Oh my god,” Dumo muttered, rising from his chair with a huff. The autumn wind howled as he opened the front door, stripping the trees of their leaves and turning Sirius’ cheeks vivid red as he stood on the top step with the phone still at his ear and anxiety written all over his face.

“Bonjour.”

“You can hang up the phone now.”

Sirius bit his lip and slid it back into his pocket, waiting awkwardly until Dumo motioned him inside and he hurried out of the chill. “Thanks for picking up, by the way.”

“Of course. I’ll always pick up the phone for you.” He guided him toward the kitchen with a hand on his shoulder. “Coffee?”

“Yes, please.”

Still so polite. The coffeepot was still warm from Celeste’s late breakfast, and Sirius’ eyes grew wide at the steam curling off the top when Dumo handed him a mug to wrap his frozen hands around before sitting across from him. “Back to business. Number one: the team already likes you, and you need no help from me getting their approval. Got it?”

Sirius nodded and took a sip.

“Number two: If you ever need my help, please don’t wait on the front porch in freezing weather when you could just knock.” A sheepish smile twitched at the side of his mouth and Dumo shook his head. “I won’t be responsible for your hypothermia. Now, what did you want advice about?”

Sirius let out a slow breath. “I don’t want to be the hardass captain that everyone hates. I just—this is an amazing opportunity, but honestly I just want my friends.”

Dumo hummed, even as his heart panged. “At the risk of sounding vague, the way to do that is to not be a hardass in the first place. Be a leader instead.”

“But I have to tell them what to do—”

“—and a leader does that the right way. There’s a difference between being a leader and being a tyrant. Push them to be better, but don’t be cruel about it. Set an example through the things you do, not the things you make other people do.” He touched the back of his hand gently and Sirius’ eyes flickered over. “Don’t lead through fear, but through respect.”

“I don’t know how.”

“That’s why you called me, non?” He waited until he saw the small smile return. “Alright, how would you approach a situation where one of your teammates is lagging behind in their speed trials?”

Sirius blinked. “Tell them to do better?”

Different tactic. “How did your coaches talk to you when you lagged behind in your speed trials?”

“…told me to do better.”

Orion Black, I will break your kneecaps the next time I see you. Dumo poured himself a fresh cup of coffee. “That may have been a strategy for you, but for someone who is already trying their best, it could be very discouraging. They might resent you for trying to seem better than them.”

Sirius’ brows furrowed. “But I’m not.”

“I know. But they wouldn’t. In my opinion, the best course of action would be to ask what’s wrong, and how you can help. It might not get better overnight, but that teammate will trust that you can help them with their problem and will know that you care about them.”

“So I should just let them fail for a while?”

“You push them toward success gradually, and don’t berate them for any hiccups along the way. Failure can bring growth.”

His mouth set into a line of frustration. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I’m not explaining this right,” Dumo muttered, chewing the inside of his lip. How to explain to the new leader of your team what leadership is... “Let’s put it this way. You want Pots and Harzy to run a specific play, but they don’t understand it. How do you fix it?”

Sirius started to answer, then closed his mouth and thought for a moment, staring into the depths of his coffee. “I…I would walk them through it section by section, because I know they’re smart, but they might have problems with different parts.”

Dumo wondered if the room had actually become brighter, or if the pride in his heart was just shining through into the real world. “Exactly. And afterward, when they get it right?”

“High-five and run it again.”

“Now you’re getting it!” Something more difficult... “What if Kuny and Nado won’t shut up during Coach’s breakdown?”

“Tell them to be quiet.”

“But then Nado calls you a buzzkill and starts whispering to Kuny, and giving you looks.” Sirius’ whole face fell; if Dumo wasn’t so committed to making sure he got it right, he would’ve felt bad. “What do you do, Sirius?”

“Apolo—”

“No. People don’t respect those who apologize every time they face pushback.”

“But you said I need them to like me.”

“You need them to respect you. They don’t have to like you at all hours of the day.” He poked him lightly on the chest. “It’s your job to keep the team in line, now, and that means being a bit of a buzzkill sometimes. Not an asshole. Just a leader. What do you do if they start whispering about you?”

Sirius scrunched his nose. “Tell them to cut it out again,” he said grudgingly.

“And if they don’t?”

“Can I make them run laps after the meeting?”

“Yep. How many?”

“Three, because I had to ask three times.” He frowned. “And they should run at separate times, otherwise they’ll keep talking. God, they really don’t shut up, do they?”

That’s rich coming from you, Mr.-Chats-with-Pots-24/7. He decided to keep his thoughts to himself—that wasn’t what today was about. “Good job, Sirius.”

“Really?”

“Oui. If you lay down the rules early, you won’t have to keep correcting mistakes. They won’t want to disappoint you in the first place.”

“I don’t want to disappoint them,” he said quietly.

“You won’t.” If there was one thing Dumo was sure of, it was that Sirius would be the best captain the Lions ever had. “Ready for the toughest part?”

“Yes?”

“Are you ready?” he asked again.

Sirius swallowed, then nodded. “Yes.”

“I don’t like the way you’re captaining this team.”

From the look on his face, Dumo might as well have whacked him over the head with a spatula. “What?”

“I don’t think you have the guts.”

A combination of hurt and anger flashed in his eyes. “Hey!”

Dumo prodded him on the shoulder. “You’re not going to be able to stick up for yourself when it comes down to it. You can’t say no to your friends.”

“I can!”

“Then do it,” he challenged. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re—” Sirius pressed his lips together and stood up. “Fuck you. I came to you for help—”

Dumo rose as well, leaning forward half an inch. “Then tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you can captain the shit out of this team.”

“You’re wrong!”

“Say it like you mean it!”

“You’re wrong!” Sirius repeated as his jaw set, louder. “I’m going to captain the shit out of this team and fuck you for thinking I can’t!”

“But I don’t like it!” Though they were both shouting at each other, Sirius’ defensiveness and timidity in the face of conflict were nowhere to be found.

“That’s not my problem!” His cheeks were turning pink again, but not from the cold. “I’m the captain, so you either listen to me or tell me what the hell your problem is!”

“There you go!” Dumo cheered, stepping around the table to crush him in a hug. “That was perfect.”

Sirius went still with befuddlement. “What?”

“You didn’t believe you could captain this team until just now, did you?” He stepped back and held Sirius’ shoulders, beaming. “You just did exactly what you were supposed to do. You cannot let yourself be pushed around if you want to lead and keep your friendships strong. I am so, so proud of you.”

Sirius stared at him in shock for a moment, then moved forward again and rested his chin on Dumo’s shoulder as he pulled him in for another hug. “Thank you.”

“You are going to do great things, Sirius. I’m just glad I could help.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Dumo smiled and patted his back, giving him a squeeze. “Yes, you could. That’s how I know you will.”

[ellienettie]

Found Family - Marinette

Marinette: she didn’t actually run away, she’s just hiding from her ex friends. The only one with a good relationship with her parents. “All I want is a week off from all of everyone’s bullshit but at this point what I deserve is to be retired for the rest of my life”

- Her ex friends vandalized her room and her parents told her she needed to hide

- Has faced god and called it a bugabitch (tikki cried)

- Is the mom to like,,, a dozen gods or something

- "I look back on when I was 13 and I ask myself how the fuck am I alive"

- Once cried over a rock.

- "NO FELIX. LOOK AT IT, I WANT TO BE A ROCK."

- "Caramel, why are you microwaving ice cream" "It's too cold."

- she slapped Felix and told him to fuck off from her heart when he smiled

- "Hey Tim. Do you like me?" "Wh- Uhm. Well... yeah." "cool cool cool so the flirting was working" "you were flirting?" "have been for the past month but thanks for noticing"

- breakdown at 3 am vibes

- "too mUCH FUCKING WORK" at the same time "I NEED MORE WORK"

- *standing on a table* "YOUR FATHERS AND I ARE GETTING DIVORCED" *Tim falling on his knees* "NOOOO"

- "Oh damn there's an akuma, man where's ladybug and her team" "..." "oH FUCK I'M LADYBUG-"

- "oh you're batman? I'm the mom of a dozen or so gods, come back when you're better than me fucking bitch."

- Aquaman refuses to help the batfam get Tim back because 'the only reason I'm alive is because Tikki- the goddess that chose your son's girlfriend, permitted it. I'm not having it." (Claude t-posing with a straight face from his window helped)

- Superman doesn't want to help because Kon said he'll permanently stay in that house if he helps batman take Tim back... and he's terrified of Allegra. 

- "Bruce you have to understand- she- she was stabbing a pillow with my symbol. With a kryptonite pen. I don't even know how she got it" (Mari got it for her)

- Diana is proud because yes,, my mom was ladybug and has a great successor

- the only reason Bruce actually left was because Mari was slowly stealing Damian too. (not to mention Allan kept making stabbing jokes)

- "Father, I wish to come over to Drake's manor." Kon: I'll take you :DD (Mari had a strange urge to coo over her 2 part-time custody kids)

- "Hello Damian, when you get home later tell your dad I called him an overgrown furry" "sure, mother" "oh my god why did you adopt my brother??" "I didn't! Felix did!! And it's a part-time custody thing okay!!"

- "Hey Kon, tell your dad I gave Felix a kryptonite dagger and he's just dying to see if it works ^^" "...sure, mom." "YOU ADOPTED MY BEST FRIEND- BEAN HE'S OLDER THAN ME" "But he's technically a baby!" "YOU'RE NOT HELPING FELIX"

- The fam still thinks she ran away but tbh she was hiding and now she's just determined to stay by her new family's side because goddammit why are they traumatized