#and I was planning on postponing this exam preparation until the other one is done

[ifeelfreewithoutmyshoes]

Ohhh my professor just managed to hit my anxiety about my exam in a way that just made me fucking pissed

[wakaoujisenhime]

My congratulations with 200 followers! Can I ask scenario about Akashi's girlfriend suddenly finds out about his second identity, but she isn't scared and she accepts him?

A/N: So, with this one, I wasn’t entirely sure which setting I should put it in. I was between her finding out when he first ‘transformed’ and discovering it when he reverted back to his Teiko self. In the end, I decided to pick something in between and something entirely different, so I hope you’ll like what I came up with. ( ꈍДꈍ )

Tags: Akashi x reader ✅  SFW ✅  fluff ✅  slight angst ✅

image/art source: Twitter (art by eijo_q)

━━━━☆ ━━━━☆ ━━━━☆

A slight tint of red - Akashi x reader

You’ve been looking at these heterochromatic eyes for as long as you can remember—those cold and lonely pair of eyes that belonged to your beloved boyfriend, Akashi.

The captain of Japan’s most popular and most feared team was unrivaled in many aspects, and that trait made him a highly respected individual amongst his peers. Unfortunately, that respect also bore negative feelings such as fear, hatred, and jealousy that were the main reasons people decided to avoid his presence.

But you were different. Those rumors didn’t face you in any way; if anything, they motivated you to actually find out more about the man who earned himself countless titles.

The moment you two first looked into each other’s eyes, shivers went down your spine, and if your memory didn’t betray you, then he probably felt the same way. Back then, you felt like you couldn’t move for a slight moment, but thanks to your friends and his teammates, who brought you back to reality, the two of you snapped out of it quicker than you might have wanted.

It took you both quite a while to actually start a conversation since he wasn’t usually the type to initiate such things. At the same time, you, on the other hand, were either too shy or unsure whether you interpreted the short connection you guys had correctly or not. But when you finally succeeded, neither of you had to struggle and find a suiting topic; the conversation just started developing on its own. And after a few months during which you had several interactions with the red-haired young man, it became evident that you had fallen in love with him, so now came the question whether you should confess to him or not, when and how...

Much to your surprise, you had the support of many of his classmates and basketball team members. They repeatedly encouraged you, saying just how good the two of you got along and how his mood had improved when he was with you. Needless to say, that boosted your confidence to a certain degree and gave you the needed courage to begin your quest.

Unfortunately for you, your attempts didn’t differ much from how you normally treated and talked to him. Still, you were determined to continue giving it your best until he either realizes it or until you found the best time to confess.

But your plans weren’t including the most important chess piece in this story, namely Akashi.

While you were forging one plan after the other, you were completely unaware of how the red-haired young man had seen past your actions and was already aware of the feelings you harbored for him. He knew, but he chose to remain silent and wait until you felt prepared enough to tell him.

And then one day, you finally stood before him with your cheeks slightly flushed and your eyes wandering but never focusing on the person before you. You were an adorable sight for him to behold, but he didn’t want to uselessly torture you any further, so he decided to initiate the dialogue.

“Is everything alright (Y/N)..?”

The gentleness in his voice caught you off guard, but it also helped to get the ball rolling, and before you knew, your confession was already in full swing. Firstly, you began reassuring him that everything was alright, that he needn’t worry about you, and that the reason you called him was a positive one. After a short break, you then proceeded to reveal all the feelings you’ve been harboring for him...

When you were done, he remained silent for a short while and gave you his answer...an answer that surprised you.

“Then today marks our first day as an official couple.”

——

The first few months went by pretty well. Your boyfriend had even made sure to divide his time between his training and you equally. He even made a weekly weekend date customary for the two of you, additionally making sure that the place you went to or the activity you did never repeated itself.

But what is a relationship between two people if only one person does the entire work?

That’s what you asked him one day. Akashi was surprised, of course, but he quickly understood why you’d say that, so he decided to tone down a bit and allow you to plan some of the dates as well.

A good and loyal man whom you could call your boyfriend, who made sure you were treated like a queen and whose yellow and red eyes were always only focused on you and you alone.

Could your life get more perfect?

Or at least that’s what outsiders and bystanders would think...

You see, no matter how much Akashi tried to smile at you, there was always something bugging you about it.

At first, you decided to ignore it and thought that it was your imagination and that all he needed was a little time until he could tell you what haunted his mind, but the longer you waited, the gloomier his expression grew, and it worried you. Not only were you not used to him appearing that distanced at times, but what hurt you the most was the fact that he wasn’t even intending on sharing anything with you.

Instead of doubting his trust in you, a more direct approach was in order, so you decided to just ask him yourself; all you needed was an opportunity, and what worked better than everyone’s beloved test period?

Next to your weekly dates and your monthly horseback riding expeditions, the two of you also organized a small tutoring group where you or some of Rakuzan’s basketball members would seek Akashi’s help in topics they didn’t understand. Luckily they were not always up for studying more than they had to, so the two of you got at least some privacy from time to time. So when the exam period started, you prayed to whichever deity you believed in, to give the two of you some time together.

The moment your finger pushed the doorbell on your boyfriend’s extravagant front door, you expected to be greeted by one of his butlers, but instead were greeted by a warm embrace from your beloved.

“Hope you won’t mind that today is going to be just the two of us.”

“Oh no, not at all!”

You were overjoyed to hear this but tried to appear as calm as you could while Akashi brought you to the living room, where some papers were already splayed out on a table.

After you had taken a seat and placed the snacks you had brought with you next to the tray with some of your favorite beverages, the two of you discussed what subjects and problems you’ll be going through today. Since you truly needed some help with a few subjects, your plan to talk to him had to be postponed for a short while.

When the two of you were about to move on to the next pile of tasks, you looked at your boyfriend’s profile and began: “Hey Akashi...it’s not school-related, but I have a small question for you. Is that ok?”

You saw his red eye shift its attention to you as he nodded his head slightly, a small smile adorning his lips.

Here goes nothing...

“So, I’ve noticed that there are times during which you tend to look quite sad and troubled. At first, I thought that whatever it was, you just needed some time to process it yourself until you could tell me. Still, that plan backfired quite a bit, since your expression has been getting worse,” you stilled to let him process your line of thoughts first, and then you resumed, “I just hope that you know how much I care for you, and if I have given you the impression that I don’t, then let me apologize. Akashi, I truly care for you, more than you might think...and more than I sometimes show, so I would be really happy if you could at least entrust me with some of the thoughts that have occupied your mind.”

You took another break to look at the man next to you and immediately noticed how much his body had tensed up. Whatever you chose to say next was about to either provoke a change in your relationship or let it circle around the same iceberg as before. So you mustered all the courage within you, took his hand, squeezing it, and said: “I love you Akashi, but if we don’t talk this out now, I’m not sure if we’ll have another chance like this...”

Silence...

Whatever you just said had quite an impact on your boyfriend, more than you ever expected. His entire face went pale, and his eyes seemed unable to focus on you or your face anymore. You were worried that this topic might’ve been too big of a landmine for your fresh relationship, but there was no way for you to return anymore, so you had no choice but to go through with it.

Akashi sighed and stood up, his back turned to you. He looked so lonely that you couldn’t help but follow his lead and stand a few meters behind him, leaving your boyfriend enough free space but also maintaining a certain closeness, just in case he needed an embrace or anything of that sort.

Another short period of silence followed during which the red-haired young man looked out of his living room’s window and apparently tried to calm his nerves down for the upcoming talk.

“(Y/N), there’s something I’ve been...keeping from you for quite a while.”

I knew it...

It was no secret that you expected that to be the case, but you couldn’t help but be curious as to what that secret was, so in order to tame your curiosity and stop yourself from showering him with countless questions, you bit your lower lip. You already had a few hunches as to what that secret might or might not be, but you remained silent and waited for him to finally tell you what’s been on his mind for so long...

His lips were moving, his eyes were focused on one of the many random trees in his courtyard, his hands were trembling, and all you could do was stand there and listen...listen to the most unexpected confession.

“A...second personality, you say?”

Akashi nods, and even though he turns around, his eyes never meet yours; they just blankly stare at something behind you. Usually, you would’ve followed his view, but you already knew what those beautiful eyes of his were fixated on.

His childhood photos...

Even if his confession of having a second personality sounded quite far-fetched at first, now that the both of you were silent, you had some time to actually think it over, and much to your surprise, it made sense...to a certain degree, at least. His eye’s sudden change in color and the abrupt disappearance of his angelic smile from his middle school’s days were drastic developments in a brief span of time, judging by the intervals in which the photos were taken. When you first noticed this peculiarity, you thought that either something on a biological level or something bad in general had happened, so you had made up your mind to drop it for the time being. Who would’ve thought that you’d be getting an answer to that as well today?

“I-I’m sorry (Y/N)...if my story sounds too unbelievable or too unrealistic for you, then please feel free to label it as some kind of fairytale I came up with to put your mind at ease.“

You squinted your eyes, trying to comprehend just what kind of nonsense your boyfriend was coming up with, and before you could even think of an answer, your mouth was already open, throwing the first things that came to your mind at him.

“What if I choose to believe you, though? What would you do then Akashi? Would you push me away like all the other times, or would you keep on pretending that everything’s alright? Huh? Tell me...“

The young man was clearly taken aback by your direct questions, but he recovered quickly and turned his back to you, mumbling something about you not being able to grasp the true meaning behind his words and how you couldn’t handle his true self.

He must’ve thought that you weren’t going to hear his self-talk, but you did...and what you heard made you extremely mad. Pure rage clouded your judgment, and the next thing you knew was how Akashi’s back was pressed against the wall and how your hands were gripping his shirt’s collar.

“How dare you say something like that?! Do you really think that I’m that insensible and shallow?”

You continuously threw your feelings and thoughts at him, not noticing just how worked up you truly were. At one point, though, Akashi just couldn’t take it anymore and wrapped his arms around your trembling body, pulling it towards his chest where you could continue to cry. Now that you were enveloped in that oh so familiar warmth, you just couldn’t keep on screaming at him, so you just closed your eyes, held onto him, and tried stopping your tears from ruining his already crumpled shirt. While you were doing that, he placed his hand on top of your head and stroked it gently, calming you down even further.

“(Y/N)...I’m truly sorry, I never intended to doubt you; it’s just tha-“

“Don’t apologize Akashi...I understand”

He wanted to tell you just how scared he was of your reaction because you were one of the few people he trusted enough to tell this to, and all the others who saw, experienced, and even knew of his change ended up being either weirded out or too scared. 

But you were different, and even if he knew that, he just couldn’t risk losing the light of his life, and that’s why he decided to keep it a secret from you, up until now. When he saw how mad you got for his sake, how sad it made you the moment you found out just how heavy this has weighed on his mind, it made him understand that even if you were scared somewhere deep down, you’d still look for a way to make him feel better and try your best to understand him. 

That realization was all he needed as he gently planted a featherlight kiss on the top of your head and raised your chin so that you could look him directly into the eyes.

At that moment, you could’ve sworn that his iconic yellow eye had a slight tint of red in it. 

I love you...

[manikrege]

For 'gifted' kids who feel like a disappointment

You ever wanted to become an astronaut? I think we all did. At some point in our childhood. Back then, the stars and moon felt so close. Power Ranger transformations looked realistic. And getting an A+ was just a matter of focusing on your studies one week before the exam.

But above all, life was fair. You work hard, you get rewards. I remember teachers telling me how I was going to be so happy & successful after my 10th board exams. Of course, they postponed that promise until after my 12th, then my graduation, then my MBA ... and now they joke about how marriage is the true final test.

Part of me wants to believe in their simple idea. But it's starting to crack. Because I know for sure that I gave my 100% at the job. I was still fired. I know for sure that I wrote those blogs and manuscripts with all my heart. They were still rejected. I'm confident that I gave that relationship all the time and love I could've given. It still ended.

All of a sudden, I don't feel like I'm the gifted kid they told me I was. I'm no longer a topper, a front runner, a prodigy with all the potential, or an obvious winner on my way to conquer the world.

It's not like I'm a complete mess or failure. It's just this uneasy & humbling discovery that I'm actually average in many areas, and even terrible at some things that come easily to my friends. It's the discomfort of realizing that lagging behind somewhere is inevitable.

It hit me when an aunty asked me about what I'm up to nowadays, and I felt afraid to tell her that I'm taking a break to figure out my next steps. I guess I didn't want to show that I've burned out, lost my way, or worse, extinguished my 'spark.' I guess I didn't want to look like a disappointment.

But I really do. I feel like I was slowly climbing to the top of this roller coaster and now that I'm here, all I can see is a plain straight line for a few miles ahead. No ups and downs. No crazy loops. No thrilling adventures. Instead, a patch where I'm supposed to stumble and fumble. A middle that just doesn't seem to end. Between being a carefree, city-exploring, movie-going, third-year student and a responsible, settled adult. Just between these phases, you get it?

It gets complicated when I look around. Just yesterday, we were all skipping class to catch 'Endgame.' And now everyone's on their own trajectory, spread across the world, chasing different dreams and goals. I see friends getting excited to announce their milestones on LinkedIn. Getting hired by big fish. Securing scholarships in Ivy leagues. Launching their own startups. I mean, how the fuck is everyone getting featured in Forbes' 30 under 30?

Look, I really want to be happy for all of them. But at some point, we all start to compare a little, don't we? Especially those of us who've always been a little competitive.

When I was reflecting on these feelings last night, I thought about how the problem started in statistics class. When Radhika ma'am drew a straight line pointing upward and forward from 0 to 100 on the graph. And we were told: "This is how success looks like." A steady consistent burn towards status, security, fame, and money. And until recently I didn't realize how much that model was hurting me (well, I've always thought that math is shit anyway).

Because if I look back at myself and people I'm proud of, our growth has been anything but linear. Sometimes you take a step back, sometimes you go in circles for years, sometimes you say "fuck it" and abandon the axes to run away into some other dimension. Growth is not always beautiful. In fact, it can be very messy. It hides in pain, dances behind self-doubt, smiles in suffering, and celebrates obstacles. Which is why we don't always recognize it as it's happening.

Growth is also seldom tagged on Instagram or vlogged about on YouTube, only it's end products are. We don't see the hardships, the mistakes, the pressures, the embarrassments, the anxiety, the stress, and the crushing disappointments that come hand in hand with shining 'talent' ... Tweets and Stories are too short to fit all this heavy baggage that's part of everyone's journey.

Lastly, growth is also very unfair. It doesn't always lead to meaningful or positive results. Sometimes its only job is to make us hurt. You don't always become stronger or better. You don't always come out smiling. You cannot have full control. You can do everything you possibly could've done and still lose. You can try, try, and fail in spite of all your attempts. Shit will just happen for no reason, serving no purpose. Not all dots will connect.

And that's something I'm learning to make peace with. I'm learning to normalize:

Not having a plan for everything

Fucking up even when I was prepared

Needing help or guidance from others

Taking a gap year for my mental health

Not only depending on my 'strengths'

Being just another guy in the crowd

Letting others take center-stage

Helping others without feeling threatened

So here I am. Excited to announce something, too. Excited to announce that I'm currently not doing, winning, or being great at anything. Because there's nothing wrong with sitting out a match every now and then. A hunch tells me that I'm going to hit the ball out of the park when I get back.

Hold on, Manik. Hold on.

[namjoonchronicles]

million dollar houses | nj, yg

↳ pairing namjoon, you, yoongi

↳ genre drama, fluff, angst, romance, crime

↳ words 6.5k

↳ warnings strong language, description of murder, mentions of prostitution, findom, eloping

↳ notes this was in the wips for about two years before i muster up all courage to have it finished. to me it was the sexiest story i’ve written of namjoon because he has tattoos and whatnot, but the reason why it took as long as it did, was i lacked faith in my writings. when i find a wimp of confidence, i went on and finished it, so here it is, pls enjoy them

↳ summary weeks before the wedding, lawyer min yoongi, your fiance had met up with a client who was charged with a homicide case. seems bleak and unimportant, until you saw this handsome client whom you recognize as your ex-boyfriend with a non-violent history, namjoon. armed with a messy break-up and lingering feelings, will you choose your past with namjoon or will you go forward with yoongi?

One look in my eyes and you should know the truth.

Fumbling with his keys, Yoongi was holding the car keys in between his lips, struggling to shove the key into the keyhole of your apartment. It was not even 7AM and he is already suffering. He had at least three paper bags in one arm and coffee in another and it forced out of him a small strange groan as he managed to twist the keys to open.

"Done," he exasperated. As if it were quite the hassle.

Upon the sounds of the door opening, you winced in bed, but not quite wanting to open your eyes though you hear him affectionately call you, "...babe, I'm home!"

A few things dropped while he walked in and the door slammed shut behind him.

"Fuck, crap," he cursed and set the things on the table except one paper bag that he brought to you in your bedroom.

He simply pushed the door and placed the bag on the empty space of your bed and crawled on all fours with a cheeky over-energized grin plastered on his baby face. The bed dips as his weight begins to settle on it, his body heat radiates to you and it makes you frown.

"You didn't sleep well after I told you the confirmation date, did you?"

He lowers himself to kiss your shoulder and trail them along your neck and jawline until finally your lips, where he lingered longer than the others. He giggles low and brush his lips to the helix of your ear, whispering hotly, "Brought you coffee."

Sliding your hand up his shoulder with your eyes closed still, you circled your arm around his neck and pulled him for a peck with a small suggestive moan, "Tell me all the things I want to hear...you know the way to my heart, mister..." you scrunch your face, and let out a question in a feigned manner, "...who are you again?"

Yoongi bit his lips, and hummed, "Oh dearie, you shouldn't be in my bed if you don't remember my name. And I'm pretty sure it was the only name you chanted a few days ago. This is unfair," he pouted.

"What's unfair?" You peeked at him through one eye. "...I know what your name is, but you don't remember mine..." he murmured, "I'm disappointed, Mrs. Min."

You pinched his chin and shaked it lightly, "Soon. Eager are we."

Yoongi handed you your coffee while you're still seated in bed. He took the paper bag earlier and folded one leg underneath him, "Look what I got from Innisfree."

You took a mouthful gulp of coffee and shook your head out to feigned disapproval.

"...a 100 more days set for a bride-to-be!" Yoongi rejoiced.

"I know, I'm the best fiance there is," Yoongi boasted and had to gulp down the drink in a hurry.

"I didn't know they have these..." You gasped, eyes crinkling at the corners in graceful excitement and collected the box in your hand, gingerly, carefully and so appreciatively. Someone would get you something as expensive and as thoughtful as these. Coming from a male perspective, Yoongi is highly unusual. Be it his love towards Holly, the house dog, and children.

"And, the invitation cards are ready. So we are going to the print shop to fetch it. And then we have food tasting next week," Yoongi listed, "I've emptied my schedule for the whole week. So you don't have to worry about that."

You leaned your head on his shoulder, sitting face to face, "Oh thank goodness for your existence. I have Hoseok's birthday to worry about and I'm about to go insane, and then there's yours too...holy fuck."

Piling yourself with a humanly impossible task is never the plan. The wedding had to be around May this year, and you have been planning it for at least a year. The invitation cards are ready and it feels so real now that Yoongi brought you the things you needed to organize the wedding.

Sometimes things get too difficult too handle that you almost give up. Thankfully, Yoongi understood the pressure of a wedding and so he catches everything that falls out of your hand, metaphorically speaking. Yoongi too is as busy as you are, he had just started his own firm and under the guidance of your father, he was able to organize a few things on his own. 

Sometimes, you worry that you're taking up his time by being an emotional wreck especially at the eve of wedding planning, but Yoongi proved to you that it was nothing more than just a mood swing--something he had been effortlessly finding his way about. He was needless to say, impressive in his way of dealing with ordeals that you find meticulous. A God-sent lovable creature who fills your hole in the most enchanting way he could. Although sometimes he struggles with fitting his own time. Like right now, when you sit next to him in the car and he is fumbling on his phone with an unsettling frown on his face. You knew instantly that he was trapped in between something.

"What's wrong honey?" You asked. He hisses before answering, "I forgot that I promised a client to meet today."

"Can't it be postponed until tomorrow?" "The client specifically said today so I don't think he's going to be here tomorrow, what do we do? This case is big, and if I win it, I can give the firm a new recognition and it will be a good start for the firm."

Yoongi chewed his lips. You fished out your phone to call the printing company and tell them that you can't take the printed invitation cards today. The smile on Yoongi's face was indescribable. Although it was brief, you could feel the sincerity.

"What's the case about?" You watched him as he drives. His cream coloured turtle neck covers up until underneath his jaw and his black long coat made his eyes look striking brown. He's breathtakingly beautiful, this lawyer who stole your heart.

"...It's a homicide." He flipped the cars' blinkers to the right and turned the wheel with the heels of his palm, while grumbling low, trying to remember the details of the case.

"My client pleads not guilty to a murder of a man in cement tank...remember that body that came in the news? When you stayed over at my place?"

You blinked a few times, trying to remember.

That night? You had spicy rice cakes and Yoongi's kimchi fried rice. It was extra delicious and he allowed you to stay overnight when he was preparing an argument draft in his legal pad, watching Law & Order Season 8. When he took a phone call and walked to his study room, he left a file open on the dining table. Your fingers were curious about it and so you took time to read what's written on the reports. There were several pictures of gang tattoos and one very disturbing picture of a dead body, found in a hardened cement. And just then, the midnight news covered the story. Your eyes darted to the large screen and you stepped away from the table to watch. Yoongi joined you after a bit.

"A body of a man found in the hardened cement tank a few days ago had been confirmed to be a twenty-two year old young men name, Park Jihoon, who was a Seoul University's dropout. Park was an Advanced Chemistry student who obtained a scholarship from the nation's education bank due to his impressive scores in the last exam held by the International Chemistry Olympiad, it brought pride to the nation."

Your hand dropped to Yoongi's knees as he sat next to you on the couch. "Park's death had been ruled as homicide and investigations are still ongoing. In other news..."

The value of a human is ridiculed nowadays. The strong feeds on the poor down to their dying days. You remembered, feeling repulsive on the thought. Who would want to kill such an aspiring child? He was going to be someone important.

"Yes I remembered that." Yoongi tutted his tongue at your response.

"My client is the one who was accused of killing the boy. He's a gangster." Your eyes bored into Yoongi's unaffected side profile.

Although there was a tinge of guilt in the way his eyes flickered, you knew he wasn't telling you a hundred percent. Yoongi isn't the kind to hide things from you.

"So you're defending this client." Your voice died.

Yoongi puckered his lower lips over the top one and stuck his eyes on the view ahead, "Innocent until proven guilty, remember? If I win this case, my firm will soar."

Blinking away, you stared at the trees on the side of the streets. Things always look different from a moving car. Perceptions. What people choose to see and what is the real truth, Yoongi's job often put him in between good and evil. They say, lawyers have one feet in hell, the other in heaven. And it seemed that he understood your silence.

"I know what you're thinking. But beggars can't be choosers. My clients pay me. And it isn't always about the money, I know. There's always two sides of the story. This case is important to me as how important it is to my firm..." Yoongi persuaded you with his soft tone.

"Ilsan Brotherhood," you shot and Yoongi intercepted, "How did you know?"

You stared at the pavements where people were walking on.

"I read about it, in one of my father's files. They are not to be toyed around with, Yoongi. They are out for blood and most of the time, they will come home with one."

You warned him. "Whatever you have against them, it will not change my mind about taking this case, I'm sure my client is innocent. You haven't heard his side of the story." Yoongi is stubborn. He lets the idea of how winning this case will bring him pride and joy when you feared for his life.

Ilsan Brotherhood was not a stranger to you. They are the most active syndicate since the 2000s up until now. Even your little brother have heard of it.

"Can I come with you?" You unfastened your seatbelt. "Stay in the car." Yoongi shot.

He shut the car door that is parked by the large road, opposed to a bathhouse. You know this bathhouse, it has a Japanese restaurant link to it. Maybe you can't go in the bathhouse, but you can see that the restaurant’s bathroom is connected.. You exited the car and followed after Yoongi's footsteps but instead of entering the bathhouse where he is, you walked into the Japanese restaurant.

"A table for one, in a private room please?" You smiled. And she directed you to the room. They only have a wall made out of bamboo sticks and after the waitress left, you sneaked out of that room and sneak your way through the bathhouse. Until you heard Yoongi's voice coming from the end of the hallway.

"Fuck, he's in the restaurant..." You cursed in your head and scrambled to enter another private room that was thankfully empty but strangely had the lights on.

"...Meticulous, but we can find another loophole in the matter if we look close enough to the witness account," Yoongi commented and is walking in the room where you were.

"So this is the private room of the restaurant that conveniently is connected to the bathhouse?" Yoongi asked and you panic because you hear his footsteps coming nearer and nearer to the sliding door. That's when you crawled into an empty cupboard that was there, fit yourself in the lowest compartment and folded your legs in as small as you can be, leaving a tiny gap open, just large enough for your eyes to see and listen.

"Yoongi is going to kill me..." you thought to yourself but you were honestly not scared. 

You only feared getting caught. 

Yoongi folded his legs underneath and that's when the Japanese sliding door opened to reveal a tattooed young man with the clear words in big blocks of Old English font: Sinner; on his back. You held your breath and widened your eyes. This man, gangster, who was putting on his Japanese robe, had striking blonde hair and undercut on the sides. His brows strong and purposeful in one glimpse, charismatic in another. You knew that this man was a leader with many loyal followers.

Yoongi was incredibly relaxed and you could tell that it was not his first time meeting this man. He was also cautious enough not to let you know.

"I'm sorry I almost forgot about today," Yoongi started to explain himself and next to Yoongi was another men with long earrings, chirpy and far too smiley to be in a gang, but he oozes an aura of loyalty. It's really difficult to see who else was there but you held on to listen more.

"The boss had been enduring several sleepless nights because he had been getting some unwanted calls from the authorities and wondering if there's anyway you could, pardon the harshness of my words, shut them up..." The young man had a high-pitched voice.

"I know, I've been pulling some strings as well, but it will take time. I want to talk to Namjoon...Jimin, alone." Yoongi dropped his gaze on the table and Namjoon eyed Jimin to leave. 

"...I will have to know what happened that night Namjoon," Yoongi explained, "I can't help you if you don't tell me a hundred percent."

Namjoon was visibly obedient by the request. He nodded twice and inhale then exhale, "I will give you all the information needed. I'm not exactly a clean slate to begin with," His voice was an octave lower than Yoongi's. More stories about to be unfold, once Namjoon fixed an appointment to meet Yoongi again, at a later and a more convenient time.

Yoongi excused himself and left Namjoon alone. You watched him sat there, hanging his head low before straightening up in his seat to nip another roll of sushi in his mouth. You were absolutely unafraid.

Yoongi returns to an empty car. He spun around to search for you. "Where the hell did she go?"

Pushing the sliding door open slowly, Namjoon froze in his seat, reaching for a blade underneath his cushion. He softens when he saw a drape of long hair falling on each side of your shoulder. Crawling on all four, you grunted out of your hiding place. And Namjoon began to chew slowly as if it didn't bother him.

"Didn't think I'd meet you this way," he grumbled.

"How much do I need to pay you to not bother Yoongi?" You spat.

And Namjoon answered that with a low chuckle. "...you think you can afford me?" He smiled to his food.

"I'm not playing Namjoon. He's not one of you." You warned, standing up.

"Because he graduates from law school and is from a good family? Congratulations," he was bemused by it.

You rolled your eyes to the side. Namjoon shoved another sheet of dried laver into his mouth. Unaffected by your childish play, he stares back at you like an audience to a performer. He was rather enjoying this.

"You didn't see me here today," you warned him, feet halfway out of the room when you heard Namjoon say, "No reunion kiss?"

Growling inwardly, you left the room undetected at came out of the Japanese Restaurant.

"Where were you?" Yoongi asked from a distance.

"I went to the bathroom, I was about to pee in my pants!" You jogged to him, crossing the empty street. "Hurry, we can still catch up if we go right now. The printing shop is still open."

You sat in the car while Yoongi settled the bills in the printing shop. Your phone dings a message from an unknown number. It said only one thing,

"Pandora, @ 1am."

Of course he'll have your number. Namjoon is capable of anything, including murder. 

The faceless and nameless man is Kim Namjoon. Watching Yoongi walked back into the car with two bags full of printed invitations card, you felt your heart tug. 

You were certain that this meeting needed to be done so he knows where you stand. You have a life now, and you're determined to keep it. That's why you're here in Pandora at 1 AM as instructed.

Namjoon stood by the handrails, overlooking the night sky, in a grey tuxedo and black dress shirt that compliments his blonde hairdo. His long arm stretch along one side while the other is holding a glass. Musky scent filled the open air on the verandah, in contrast of the hyped clubbing floor just underneath. The smell of cigarettes was still lingering around your nose making you appreciate Namjoon's cologne. Hearing the sound of your sneakers on the wooden surface of the veranda, Namjoon tipped his head up to the night sky, downing a glass of bourbon in his hand.

"Cancer sky's out here tonight to mock me, despicable stars," he rolled his head around, still giving you his back, "Funny how I almost thought you wouldn't come," he added a dry chuckle.

"I came to tell you that it's finally over," you sounded determined. Namjoon hung his head low then throw his head back, in a manner that a broken man should behave.

"He's treating you well?" he paused, smiling at the sky and biting his lips, "...With his expensive Rolex and Gucci ties, his Rolls Royce and wit? You like how he treats you?" He tries to edge you, he turns around to face you, leaning his back to the rails and watch the drink in his swirl with a tut of his tongue, his lips parted a little.

His elbow is on the handrail, as he took another sip, "You've always liked men in high places. Always falling for a fool with great brains," he said in a mocking tone. You marched straight at him and gritting your teeth while he fixes his stance, you growled, "...At least I was not starving."

His personal space was invaded and it was nothing foreign to him, "...I'll give him credit for that." He cocked his eyebrow, gliding his eyes away from you, challenging.

"It's always been about the money isn't it?" You heard him say, pulling his gaze back to you and you stepped back when he took a step forward, downing another painful gulp of strong alcohol into his throat. But the burns he felt in his systems is not as horrific as the wounds you left on him.

You spun around, throwing your hands in your hair before you turn to him and shove him back once, twice.

"I fucking loved you Namjoon. Very much," you growled in his face and stepped away, facing away from him.

"Yeah, but not enough to stay..." Namjoon taunted you while he tailed you.

You faced him one more time. Tears brimming, glassy eyes and pained.

"I would have died for you..." you choked, and, "...I would have fucking died for you."

You pushed banged his chest with your fist and gradually, you weakened as the tears spills.

"You know what we had, it was real..." your lips quivered, your eyes pleading at him to understand.

But his gaze remains hard and unaffected. Those eyes used to be so soft on you. Those hands only held yours and those arms were your home. Those lips belong to you and they say all the things you want to hear. Those intense gaze was yours to take.

Namjoon was yours, all yours.

In a small apartment in the outskirts of town, not more than five years ago, with broken windows and one bedroom, you were so in love. It was your little paradise where Namjoon is a troubled boy everyone stayed away from. Who gave you a peek of his sentimental side and made you fall for his dimpled smile, Namjoon was stained soul with untainted heart. But his appearance made people stay away from him. He couldn't find a job because people don't want to employ a young adult with a mistake he made in his teens. You were his only support system. With no job that pays enough, you were the one sacrificing your time to work in two places. You tutored in the day and worked in a convenience store at night. He walked you to work and back. And even when he smiles, you know he was upset.

"What's wrong baby?" You asked, curling your arm around his waist as you walked. Some people passes you by.

He dropped his gaze to the floor, "...I know what impressions I gave out. I see them giving me 'the eye'. I know I'm a piece of trash, they don't need to be loud about it. The car wash center fired me today, and no pay..." He chuckled dryly and you stopped in your tracks.

Namjoon continued walking but halted after a bit, turning his side at you.

"Come on, I want to be home," he waved his hand, coaxing you to come to him, "The rent is due this week and I have no idea how to pay that," he mumbled.

You put money into an envelope and slid them in the drawer when Namjoon showered. You were prepared. You always put money aside in case shit happened. He slid into the single bed with you, smelling like soap. The bed is so small, your legs overlapped his just to give him more space. Laying on top of him will provide both of you enough space to wriggle about, so it has been a common practice. You lay your head next to his chest where you could hear his heartbeat while his hand will find their way on the small of your back, rubbing them in meaningless circle, thumbing your flesh to soothe you. His touches are always entrancing, gentle and tender. Unlike anything his tattoos represent. He called your name when you're half awake, in whispers, and,

"Do you ever feel like leaving me?" He asked in a small gritty voice, "...you can have a better life without me, you know..." He blinked at the ceiling and inhaled.

That's when you gaze up to him in a newfound consciousness and gave him a peck on the lips, "...Don't say things like that, you know I would never survive a day without you."

He switches on his side and make you lay on your side as well. You lay face to face, while his arm draped lazily over your thin waist. Nose clashing with each other as he sighed,

"I only want what's best for you. I cannot promise you things I want to give you. I want to give you so much...I don't deserve you," his eyes were frightened so they glided away from you.

You look at him with certainty and affections, "...Hey, look at me."

They trail up to you, slowly, almost hesitantly, "...You will find another job. And they'll pay better. And don't worry about the rent, I got you," You patted his chest gently, twice, and an assured smile. He thumbed your chin and then let his thumb ran along the length of your lower lip. His eyes were fixated on it and slowly, he placed them in between his very own, and began to suckle them softly.

"What are we doing baby?" You sighed when he dove his face in your neck, and you feel his lips on that small patch of skin that's known to drive you over the edge without him doing much.

"...The only way I know now that will make you instantly happy," he grazed his teeth on that same spot, pulling you closer than you already are, his voice already throwing your conscience out the window. You don't have to tell him where to caress. Namjoon knows every little spot that would make you weak, like it was in the back of his hand. Guaranteed to make you a writhing mess underneath him.

Making love in small tight places. The fact that you can't make noises makes it even better and rewarding.

When it's good, it’s going great.

But desperation could drive any sane man to become what he's not. Namjoon was going to make money, and he didn't care how.

He didn't like to see you working two jobs and the household is doing things the other way around. You were earning money and raising him. It scarred his pride. So he resorted to the one place you told him not to go, the club. He was quickly and most frequently booked by many wealthy females.

Most of them were lonely widows and secret mistresses of powerful men, who paid Namjoon a remarkable amount of money for his time and a little fun. All the while he was beginning to create his rapport, he had money stacked in one bank account. No longer were you starving to pay the rent and even though he sometimes disappeared into thin air when you search for him, being able to afford things was becoming more important than the reason behind his frequent absence. He was extremely generous in bed and he got better with his words and brought himself with more confidence than before, it was a very good change.

He brought you out of that shitty apartment to a better one.

You have more space but you felt him drifting away. And you don’t know why. 

Walking home from work, alone is your everyday now. Namjoon traded his casuals to tuxedos and sandals to leather shoes. He began to bring home many colognes and tell you that it was a gift from the marketing team. One night you found a pink vibrant G-string in his black pants, while doing the laundry. Unable to wait for him to leave the tub, you stormed into the bathroom and threw them in his face. Disappointment. Betrayal.

Namjoon grabbed his robe and went after you, chanting, "Baby, I can explain! Its yours. I got it for you..." A stinging slap went across his face.

"You think I didn't know..." you tipped your head to one side, quizzically, grumbling back at him with glassy eyes, "I know you're fucking around with the widows in this city Namjoon. And wealthy women, you like money that much that you sold your dignity?" You cocked your head to one side, your voice clipped. You grabbed his wallet and took out all the cards he had.

"Thank you for tonight. I had a lot of fun after a long time." "Namjoon, I look forward to our next meeting." "I'm all yours Mr. Kim."

You scoffed. "You create quite a stir now ha... tattooed good-looking man with incredible proportions, you loved the attention? How dare you come home and kiss me with those filthy lips of yours."

"You wanted money. We wanted money." "Gained the right way!" You raised your voice at him. "Well the right way is taking too long!" And he roared just as loud.

You turned away from him, "...Unbelievable."

Namjoon shook his head, pinching his temples between two hands, "...Let's talk about it in the morning," he reaches for your arm and you yanked them away at once.

"Get your hands off of me," You grumbled. He clenched his jaws.

You grabbed your jacket and put on your jeans while he sat on the edge of the bed, covering his face and exhaling.

"Where are you going...it's 3AM," He sighed, "You're giving me a hard time right now. I did what I needed to do," he watched you shove some clothes in a backpack.

You added a chuckle, "My ass. If I was selling myself, we would make more than you ever did."

Zipping them up angrily, "Have fun fucking girls while I'm gone. I'm never coming back. You can give them my clothes," You yanked the door open and stormed out.

“I gave you everything you wanted… a better house, pretty clothes, good food, how dare you do this to me…” he growled, holding the door shut as you struggle to leave.

“That was what you wanted!” you roared in his face, and he visibly froze. You softened,

“I only wanted you,” your voice cracked, brittle and hushed.

It was obvious that he didn’t want the same thing. He was blinded by wealth. And he got comfortable standing on the middle ground at the cost of his soul.

Namjoon's performance dwindled down. He began losing clients, one by one. And although he had more than enough to maintain his lifestyle, he can never fill the hole you left. You cut too deep and he didn't intend to have your replacement anytime soon. His heart was a fool for you and only you.

You were gone for weeks. Jumping to one bathhouse to another with some money you saved from having two jobs. Namjoon knew where you worked so you decided to leave that job and find another. You took wages in doing small sewing jobs just to keep up with yourself. And one night, your free-lance job brought you back to Namjoon's place. You wondered from outside his windows why it's still on. Sitting at the curb to watch some more, you had clothes barely enough to keep you warm, gazing up at the level of his apartment. His extravagant penthouse.

"...Are you sleeping well without me?" You whispered to him as if he was there next to you. You fold your arms and rested them on your knees before laying your head on top of it. I’m not sleeping at all, you whispered in your heart.

Namjoon on your side of the bed. His eyes were unforgiving and he didn't allow himself to sleep since you left. He was going insane on his own that he began to speak to you as if you're in the same room.

"I left the door unlocked, and there's keys under the mat," he said. He sets two plates on the table when he eats while even without you. Bought your favourite chocolate bars that you two used to share. He sat in the walk-in wardrobe and took one of your clothes before sniffing them, inhaling your scent because he misses you so much he could barely think.

"Please come back... please." He prayed. It's just not the same without you.

You remember it all. How he stood by the lamp post with his flyers promoting jobs in his worn out shoes and foolish smile to every stranger that passes him by. Those flyers get stepped on, thrown away and torn. You remember how you gave up half of your instant noodles, so he could have more. Money pinching life, but the happiest you had ever been in your entire existence. It didn’t matter if it was raining and he’s drenched, giving out flyers, it didn’t matter if your back is sore from washing dishes in a nearby diner and finger calloused from days on end using detergents, it didn’t matter that it was a hard life to live because Namjoon was there to help you go on. You had Namjoon, 

and that was enough.

Just weeks to spare until the wedding. Invitation cards stack on the corner of your shared room. You shouldn’t be thinking about another man in the bed you shared with your fiance. You shouldn’t be thinking about his smile, or his laugh, or the way he looked at you. You shouldn’t be able to word every touch and every moment you spent with him. You shouldn’t be able to make of the shape of his face, the sound of his voice when he is angry, when he is happy or when he is sad, or remember with utmost precision where all his birthmarks are and you shouldn’t have remembered where your favorite one is, the one that’s on his upper right thigh. You shouldn’t be able to point the scars on his right knee and how long it was. You remembered him details. You remembered Namjoon in details. And it’s a wretched thing to do for a bride-to-be.

Tears streamed across your nose bridge, as you lay on the side, boring into the view of an opaque translucent curtain, moving softly. You wipe the tears harshly, with the back of your hand, along with the thoughts of Namjoon and that’s when you hear Yoongi coming in.

“Why are you’re up so late?” he crawled into bed, holding the blankets up, simultaneously, pressing his lips on your shoulder, draping his arm around your waist, inhaling your scent. Thunder crackling in the black sky, flickering lightning behind thick puffs of clouds, and then,

The rain pours. Just like that night.

Dusk until dawn, you promised me. 

Not even the rain could stop you two from wanting to dance in the streets. Your skin is wet from sweat and it washed down from the heavy rain. Big smiles on both of your faces, he twirls you around and you go on your tippy toes feeling absolutely safe even when the lightning strikes. Sharing one cup of noodles in the convenient store because that was all you could afford to not go starving for the night. You sewing up his only dress shirt’s button on while he stares down fondly at you, holding up the flashing lights because the room you both rented had the electricity cut off from outstanding bills. You both had nothing, and yet, everything.

You promised that I won’t be alone, and when things go wrong, you’d still be here. You promised. You lied.

You were a fool in love. You gave up your family for that boy. And where else could you have gone, if not back to your family? They built you up from scrap, had you meet the man you’re with today. The wind strikes your face the same way it did with Namjoon, but with feigned calamity. A false security and deceitful smile. Are you convincing yourself that you’re okay with the man you’ve promised to marry? Or are you deceiving yourself into believing that he was right to marry? Especially when you saw his greed to defend someone in the wrong? Just for the sake of his firm?

An unfinished business. A lingering string of thoughts. It buzzes through Namjoon’s mind as he sat in his leather chair, swirling his glass of wine. Scents of Mahogany strikes up his nostril, drilling through his thoughts at the possibility of jail time should he be proven guilty. The boy. Right, the college Chemistry boy.

He threatens the market. It was the only market that feeds Namjoon of his lavish expenses,his uncontrollable urge to possess everything he only dreamt of.

“It was the words that came out of that boy that made me feel he shouldn’t be alive,” Namjoon arched an eyebrow and Yoongi visibly stiffened. Tactless, and merciless--was the way he said it. Namjoon really did sell his soul to the devil. And he proceed to gorily describe how he killed the boy.

“He regurgitates, sputtering blood all over the cord I wrapped around his Adam’s apple, and I dragged his pulsating body through the dirt and put his face into the liquid cement that hasn’t dried. Then I put his entire body inside…” Namjoon’s dark gaze lifts up to meet Yoongi’s and he did the unthinkable,

He smiled.

Without remorse.

“D’you know what he said?” Namjoon rests his elbows on the edge of the table, “Called me a beggar. The nerve of that boy.” He chuckled. But Yoongi didn’t join.

Namjoon downed a mouthful of wine and left his chair. Army of loyal followers waiting for him outside. The police are at the door, with handcuffs. They have him remanded until trials began. Will he remains his stance as not guilty? It is hardly so, now that Yoongi had known the truth. The prosecution's will soon find out what other crimes he did. And he will be in jail for good. While he got remanded, he received a visitor.

“Does your fiance know, you’re here?” he asked, with that boyish grin you were familiar with.

“He won’t, if you don’t tell,” you snapped.

You took one long look to his figure, his face, the features that stood out, the tattoos that boldly peek through his neck hole and syncopate on his skin, his forearms and knuckles.

“Do they make you stronger? Those drawings on your skin?” you asked, through your lashes and your eyes tips up to meet his.

“The pain that comes while I’m getting them, does. It made me feel something after you were gone,” he shrugs his shoulders, sitting slouched in his chair.

“I’m getting married, Namjoon,” not wishing to beat around the bush anymore, you shot, “I’m really getting married…”

Namjoon jutted his chin out, hollowed his cheeks and somberly nodded. His gaze cast down to his lap, “I know…I’ll be in jail.”

You don’t love him, you pitied him. At least, that’s what you told yourself, forcing your eyes stay open and it stings, till tears fall to your cheek.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered, even though he wasn’t even looking at you, he knew, and, “You should be happy, Yoongi’s a great person. You’ll be very happy. Even within this thick walls, I still make you cry…”

“Don’t tell me what to do…” you grumbled. Wiping your tears with the back of your hand, you grab your purse and took out a bank account book he had shipped to your home address, “I can’t accept this.”

Along with the handwritten letters that came with it.

The chair scratched against the concrete floor, and Namjoon stared at the bank account book while you exited the room. His lips hung open and he blew hot air to his forehead as the door slammed shut behind you.

The crowds begin to cheer as you walk into the aisle, hand-in-hand with your father. He had a vibrant smile on, to match your subtle ones. And at the end of the aisle was Min Yoongi, your soon-to-be husband. And with every step approaching him, you leave Namjoon and his words behind.

This bank account I started when we rented a room in that run-down apartment.

Veils covered your face. Forward.

I made a vow that I’ll give them to you once the money inside is enough for a decent wedding.

Heart thumps. You tighten your grip around your father’s arm. Forward.

Of many promises that went unfulfilled,

Your knees feel loose but you held on. Forward. Forward.

At least I could fulfill these.

One last row and Yoongi is within reach. Forward.

I wish you happiness, even without me.

Namjoon basks in the sun in his prison attire, by the monkey bars, pondering about the love he had once received, and now lost. 

The cost of a million dollar house is his soul, his future and his past.

.

.

.

.

End.

[passingthebarexam]

New Post has been published on Bar Exam Mind

New Post has been published on https://www.barexammind.com/dealing-covid-related-bar-exam-delays/

Dealing with COVID-Related Bar Exam Delays

I recently received a comment on a Facebook post referencing my article discussing how the Covid 19 epidemic pandemic might affect the bar exam. The comment asked how to keep a positive mindset in light of the fact that bar exams are being delayed or postponed and the format of the exam itself is being altered.

I thought about it and put together my thoughts in this article. I hope it helps.

If you have ideas that work for you that are not mentioned in this article, please leave a comment. If you disagree with some or even all of the ideas listed below, please comment and offer your suggestions about what you think would be helpful.

Some of the things I say below might sound a little trite given the situations in which some of you now find yourselves. I certainly can’t tell you how to feel and I can’t know how you feel. But, I do know this: 2020 has been by far the strangest year I’ve ever lived through during my several decades on this earth. I’ve been through some more traumatic acute periods of time ranging from a few days to a few weeks in duration, but never something like 2020’s sustained chronic freakishness.

Before we get any further in this article, I want to remind you that I am not a medical doctor, not a psychologist, not a licensed counselor. What follows are all suggestions about things that I think would help. It is advice I would give to a friend or family member who asked me for ideas. If you find yourself in a dark place or are having frightening thoughts, please contact a physician or counselor as soon as you can.

Now, for my suggestions.

Gratitude

You’ve probably heard this one before. It even sounds trite to me, and might even seem a little ridiculous. But this really works.

If you can wake up each morning and think about one or two things from the day before for which you are grateful, it can make a big difference in your outlook on life. If you start the day with was a grateful thought, it will set a positive tone for your day. On the other hand, if the first thing you do is check your news feed and scowl at some politician’s behavior or some terrible events happening in the world, that can start your day with negativity through which you will filter all the events and feelings of the remainder of the day.

Many people keep gratitude journals. They write down one or two things in the morning for which they are grateful. You can purchase many different kinds of gratitude journals (Amazon link (aff.)) or just staple a few sheets of paper together and start writing.

Digital Detox

There are more and more studies showing that too much exposure to digital devices and social media trigger anxiety.  (In children; In young adults; In general.) If you are feeling anxious about the bar exam or anything else and it is starting to overwhelm you, take a break from your phone and the internet. In an ideal world, this would probably be at least one solid day per week. But, if that doesn’t seem like a viable option, try something like this:  stop looking at digital devices after dinner and don’t look at one again until the next day.

Most phones these days have settings that allow you to lock certain apps.  Why not create a setting where you can still send texts and make phone calls, but which locks all other apps for a few hours each day?

Get outside

There are many studies that show time in nature can help enhance your mood. If you’re fortunate enough to live close to hiking trails or a park, take advantage of it. But even if you don’t and you can’t get to such a location, maybe you have a small patch of grass near your residence or in your backyard. If possible, take your shoes off and walk around for a few minutes. Even if the seems kind of ridiculous, it might allow you to remember some happy memories of childhood running around the grass in the summer.

Focus on stability

What things have not changed since the COVID crisis? Are all your family and friends still healthy? Are your house plants still alive? Are you still an intelligent person with the desire to be an attorney?

When the world around us is changing and seemingly out of our control, it can be helpful to look at the things in our lives that have remained stable during the period of change. This can lead us contemplate the world in the future when other things we stable again.

Sleep

People underestimate the power of consistent, solid sleep. Law students and lawyers live in a subculture where sleep is viewed as weakness. But, people who are well-rested generally are able to see the world more clearly and have less anxiety and depression.

So, if you are sleeping less than seven or eight hours per night, try sleeping more for a week and see how you feel.

Allow yourself to be afraid

Don’t squash fear or try to cover it up with denial or foreign substances (e.g., alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, etc.). You are afraid. Admit this world is crazy right now. Admit that you’re not quite sure what’s going happen with the bar exam.

I read about how in Florida they postponed the bar exam just a few days before was scheduled to start! (Florida bar postponed.) It would be terrible to think that something like this could happen again, but if that’s the fear you have, allow yourself to feel it.

Writing your fears down may help. Unlike a  gratitude journal where you might want to go back and look through it in order to remind yourself of what you’re grateful for, the fear journal can be something in which you write down what you are afraid of and then tear out the page and throw it away. This, to me, is not a form of suppressing fear, but of acknowledging it.  You are saying, “I know you exist. I know I’m afraid of you. But, you can’t stop me.”

Remind yourself of earlier chaos

If you graduated from law school and are preparing for the bar exam, then you’re probably at least in your early 20s. Many of you will be a few or even many years older. For most people, if they’ve lived to your early 20s, you’ve experienced at least a handful of chaotic, uncertain situations.

But you got through them. You made it to law school and graduated. Remind yourself of the chaos you’ve survived.

The bar exam situation this year is chaotic. It is unknown. What if there is an uptick in COVID cases and it needs to be postponed again? What if there’s a technical issue that makes a planned online bar exam not work?

I realize it is easier said than done, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. Or, a metaphor I prefer, be like water and follow the available path.

Consider your study schedule

If you are someone who has been studying for the bar exam expecting it to be on a particular day and then it gets moved to a date several weeks or months away, you need to reassess how to spend those extras weeks. This will vary for each individual.

If you’re having financial concerns, try to find a way to make a little money for a few weeks. If you’ve been studying conscientiously expecting the bar exam to occur on DAY 0, but the bar exam has been pushed to DAY 150, you can probably stop studying for an extended period of time before restarting your studies closer to the new bar exam date. This will give your brain a break and help you focus on other issues.

Even if finances are not a problem for you, taking a break from studies, if that’s feasible, is probably a good thing. As someone who took two bar exams, I can tell you that studying for the second bar exam was much easier. While it wasn’t a cakewalk by any means, I had set aside over two months to study for the second exam, but in retrospect I probably could have done it in four weeks.

The reason I’m saying this is that if you’ve studied for two months and now you have another two month gap before the rescheduled exam, why not try something you’ve never done before to take your mind off the chaos? If you’ve thought about being an author, write a story or book. If you’ve thought about starting a business that can be started quickly, why not give it a go?

Conclusion

I hope this article helped you at least a little bit. I realize that the future of your legal career must seem unclear. Although I never had to go through a situation like this when I took the bar exam, I have gone through situations in my life where I thought the prospects for a positive outcome in the long-term were bleak. But, as the months and years passed, the outcome was actually pretty good.

So, although it may be difficult for you, try to stay positive. When you feel the negativity getting too much, use one of the techniques above.

  P.S. -- Want a FREE copy of my Bar Exam Mind audiobook?

You can get a free copy of my audiobook when you sign up for a free trial at Audible.com. Get the details by clicking here. Or, you can just get the audiobook directly from Amazon, iTunes or Audible.

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

22/f

I’m sorry if this starts making less sense as I type more, I’m just trying to describe somethings that I’ve never exactly addressed before? So I’ve felt it and experienced it but never exactly tried to put it in words before.

So basically, I feel like I have a tendency to become emotionally dependent on people I date. I have pretty bad anxiety issues, that I’m working on slowly. Sometimes this leads to depressing days. Well in terms of emotional dependency, with my boyfriend, we haven’t discussed what to do once we graduate next year, because there is still a lot of time left and what can we discuss when we don’t know what is going to happen with ourselves once we graduate, we probably need to figure out our own future before we discuss one together. But we are very happy together. But I feel like it’s starting to feel like a ticking clock. It’s terrifying. And what makes sense is to talk about it when the time is right, and just be in the moment and be together right now. But the problem since, like an idiot, I thought about it so much, I keep thinking we don’t have enough time left together and we need to spend more time together. Because the thought of breaking up scares me so much! And I’m trying to spend more and more time together and trying to force it more, unlike earlier when it just happened naturally. And since I’m forcing it and doing it because of the fear of things ending, it was always at the back of my mind, those times that we spent together just weren’t nice and would get messy and just end up sad or fighting. Until one day he finally told me to calm down and stop thinking so much into it, we’ll figure it out when the time comes.

Second thing, with the quarantine, we’ve both gone home and are obviously in a long distance now. It’s going okay. We did long distance last summer and it wasn’t easy but we were really good together. But this time it’s different. Our uni exams are postponed and online classes are over so essentially our summer break has started. Except it’s still a quarantine. And I won’t say we are very good this time. I feel myself getting more and more need and annoying(my words, he does not let me talk bad about myself, which is a little too frequent), but I need to say how I feel. Obviously the pandemic majorly worked up my anxieties, but work through that. But now I’ll be honest, I’ve developed this strange obsessive behavior that I want to talk to him all the time! And at this point, we’re both just at home so there isn’t as much happening. So there isn’t much to say. And I think I hate that. And it’s not like we don’t speak at all, just not as much as last summer. And I hate that I’m comparing SO much! At this point I’m just fantasizing the past. We talk. And our conversations aren’t dull. They’re just not constant. And when we text, sometimes the conversation ends, which it never did last summer. And unlike me, he’s keeping himself busy because he’s not finding it easy to deal with the quarantine mentally either plus he has own things to deal with in terms of family, and he does talk about it but he finds keeping himself busy helps. Which I’m more than understand but it causes him to reply late. And he’s ALWAYS assured me that unless he’s busy or the phone is away, he will always reply as soon as he sees the message, and I know he does. Now he’s majoring in game design and I’m majoring in animation. So even thought, our year is over, we still need to keep working and practicing. And I know that I need keep my peace of mind and just keep myself busy too, and there’s plenty of things I need to do. Instead, I choose to sit and sulk and overthink that he has replied to my text for the past 1 hour! And then I get mad and we’ve spoken about this at least 3 times since quarantine started and each time he’s made an effort from his side. But why am I still so needy?! I understand everything. I understand his side, I understand the current situation. But despite understanding, it doesn’t change the way I feel! And I just choose to agonize over whatever I’m overthinking about. I just keep making a mountain of a mole hill. I just want to stop feeling this way. I don’t want to sit around waiting for a text like I used to in high school! I have things to do and I want to do them so badly but why am I like this? Please, PLEASE tell me how to stop overthinking nothing. I’m not being hard on myself, I’m just desperate not overthink every single situation. Why am I so obsessed with him now?I can’t tell you how anxious this is making me.  I just want to stop being so scared all the time.

After high school, I took a gap year and got into this horrible emotionally abusive relationship. He was gaslighting me the whole time, made me cut ties with friends, made me constantly feel shitty about myself. Always told me I was dumb and stupid, without fail. And also was always talking to other girls openly, was obviously cheating on me. But when I would confront him, he’d accuse me of not trusting him and that I was stupid. And the strange thing is I knew that I was the one who right, yet I chose to believe him and stay with him? He was very manipulative. Idk how to explain what I was like back then and why. But I’m out of that now and I’m in a good place now. I just feel he is a big influence in the way I am today. And I hate that.

In a few days it’ll be my first anniversary with this wonderful guy. I love him very much and I’m SO happy that I met him. But I don’t want to be emotionally dependent on him. I want to be fine on my own too. And I was for a long time. It’s not like I rushed into this relationship after my previous one, I didn’t even meet him till 2.5 years after. But I don’t want this emotional dependency. I feel like I’m so scared of losing him that I keep making up scenarios which makes me feel like I’ve already lost him. And in general, overthinking and being dependent makes me feel shitty. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone for anything! In high school, I used to dream about becoming the strong independent woman. I thought by now, I would have become one..but clearly not. Maybe for my previous relationship, I can say that my ex really prevented any chance of me becoming one. But in this one, he really pushes me to be better and encourages me to become one! Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I have to lose my ability to be fine on my own. This quarantine is a good time for me to work on being by myself. I want to work on myself, mentally. But I don’t know how?

hey there <3 this makes a lot of sense, I think you’ve articulated yourself really well. I would agree with you, it sounds like your previous relationship is playing a big role in your current concerns around identity and anxiety. just something to note though, there is a difference between emotional dependence and emotional closeness. emotional closeness is good and healthy, it’s something you want in a relationship. being emotionally close with each other involves trust and authenticity and communication -- there’s nothing wrong with being emotionally close to someone. emotional dependence can definitely be a problem though (more detail here on what can define it), and I would agree that that’s what you’re experiencing at the moment.

it’s hard not to make comparisons sometimes, especially when what you’re comparing against (ie. last summer) was so happy and positive and good! but I think a contributing factor of that was the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship? and now that you’ve been together almost a yr, the honeymoon phase has ended, and that’s ok. it’s ok if sometimes the conversation just ends now, it’s alright if you sometimes have disagreements or whatever. it’s not that things aren’t as ‘good’ as last summer? just that you’re becoming more comfortable with each other, your love is more stable and habitual (for lack of a better word), 

I think this quarantine is testing you in a profound way, and I think you’re dealing with things pretty alright :* being forced to be in a long-distance relationship isn’t easy at all, being forced to face your anxieties and insecurities is confronting, the covid-19 pandemic is magnifying issues and isn’t helping at all but even though you’re struggling? you’re not completely falling apart, you’re looking for answers and a way through this. 

having read everything that you’re going through at the moment, it feels like a lot of the anxiety is rooted in fear of the future? and I guess a major aspect of anxiety is the unknown! next yr and after graduation is unknown for you, but it can help to start making plans. if you start to make plans then it can clarify things for you, and give you a goal to work towards too. there’s less uncertainty, there’s less to get anxious over because you know what’s ahead and how to prepare for it. the sooner you do it, the better it will be! but the longer you leave things, the less time you have to sort things out and the more your anxiety rises.

you’ve recognised that you’ve developed a bad habit fo obsessively wanting to talk to him all the time? so work on breaking that habit. I’m currently not working or studying at the moment, and I’m finding it so difficult to find the motivation to even get out of bed sometimes! however, I’ve started to write a daily list of things to get done? and it really helps to motivate me and to keep me accountable for getting shit done. so that could be something to try doing: write yourself a (reasonable) list of things to get done each day, tick them off as you get them done. doing that can help keep you busy and possibly avoid spending time over-thinking him not replying super quick.

when anxious thoughts start to take over, when you start to feel really on edge and panicky over him not replying? stop whatever you’re doing, breathe. do some focused breathing exercises (here and here) — deep breathing works to slow down your heart rate, decreases blood pressure, allows more oxygen into the brain so you can think more clearly, and also gives you something else to focus on as well.

sometimes knowing the logic of a situation doesn’t always change feelings ): all you can do is choose to make conscious decisions and actions to fight against the anxious feelings. write down a plan of action, a list of things to do to combat the anxiety. when you start to feel anxious and you feel yourself overthinking something? go back to your daily to-do list and find something on there to complete, or maybe go for a run (or some other kind of intensive exercise), call a friend, find a new recipe and bake something yummy in the kitchen, anything that takes your full concentration and attention.

some ideas on how to work on yourself / improve emotional independence:

keep busy, create daily to-do lists to keep yourself motivated and accountable, use affirmations to fight against anxious thought patterns (see here for examples). 

know that there’s a difference between emotional dependence and emotional closeness — it’s ok, healthy and good to have the latter. you can still be independent while being emotionally close with others, the two can coexist.

something else to try, spend 1 entire day without technology. turn off your phone, laptop, tv etc, spend the entire day focusing on you :) that way you have control over the temporary time apart from your boyfriend, and when you’re in control? you feel more empowered, and less anxiety. talk to your boyfriend before you do this haha, and explain why you’re doing it (ie. to work on building emotional resilience and overcoming anxiety), I’m sure he’ll understand and support you.

practise lots of self care, indulge a lot in things that genuinely make you feel happy and warm and positive :) maybe that’s having an extra long bath with epsom salts and essential oils, maybe it’s giving yourself a face mask and painting your nails, maybe it’s practising yoga or meditation, or solo sexy time, or baking, gardening, playing games? whatever works for you! the more time you spend doing solo activities that you find gives you pleasure, the more your brain starts to associate spending time alone with a positive feeling. 

this is such a long reply, apologies if it’s a little rambling at times! but I hope this helps you lovely, let me know how you get on <3

- tash

[bnha-l0ver]

Narration #10

***DISCLAIMER: This is just going to serve as a compilation of the narration that has been done in the story so far (Chapter 1-216). Keep in mind, the story is pretty long now, so I’ll keep adding on. In other words, it’s a work in progress. Either way, enjoy!!!***

• [Gran Torino and Tsukauchi fight with Kurogiri]

> “In a certain mountain range, while Deku and co. were fighting...”

> “[Gran Torino] We were able to pinpoint your location. If we can just capture you, the most troublesome member of the League, the rest will surely follow.”

> “[Kurogiri] There have been rumors that a “ruffian” has been appearing here as of late...It seems I was standing out a tad too much, but I had no choice. I have some business with that ruffian you see.”

> “[AFO to Kurogiri] If by chance, something were to happen to me in the near future, you’ll be the only one left who can protect Tomura...You can rely on him.”

> “He [the ruffian] is one of AFO’s faithful servants, Giganto-machia.”

• [The following day of the infiltration and Nighteye’s death]

> “Senpai took a temporary leave of absence from school. And for us, we returned to school...”

> “When we returned, they had us go through a bunch of inquiries and processes. But we were eventually able to make it back to the dorms that night. Uraraka and the others had also been occupied in Ryukyu’s office.”

> “A few days later. Before we knew it, September came to a close and October began. The last vestiges of summer faded away and the temperature difference became more drastic. Our intern group, accompanied by All Might and Aizawa-senpai went to Nighteye’s funeral.”

> “At the end of the conversation between the school and the hero office, the internship was postponed for the time being. Nighteye’s office was taken over by his sidekick, Centipede, while awaiting Toogata-senpai’s return.”

> “And Eri-chan, finally regained consciousness though her psychological state is still unstable. Since it’s still unclear whether she might lose control again, Aizawa-sensei told me we weren’t allowed to have a face-to-face. Moreover, Eri-chan’s Quirk was found to originate from the horn on her forehead. That horn seemed to shrink along with her fever. Now, it has shrunk to just about the size of a lump.”

> “And as for me, ever since that day...something strange has been happening.”

• [Aoyama shoves a piece of cheese in Midoriya’s mouth xD]

> “Something strange, yes.”

> “His behavior left a strong impact, but, Aoyama-kun was a man whom I could never read. Until he finally started to reveal his true nature.”

(N/ To be completely honest...I don’t think anyone can read or even know what Aoyama will do/is capable of xD)

> “I haven’t really talked with Aoyama-kun before. He’s not the type of person who actively gets involved with people. He gives off the impression...of a free spirit who speaks what he wants, when he wants. But, his behavior at the training camp and at the provisional license exam (Iida-kun said, overflowing with emotion)...is certainly that of a hero’s. What does that guy want with me...?”

> “Is there some kind of situation...? If that’s the case...maybe it’s something he can’t have with the rest of the class, and doesn’t want to risk making a big fuss about.”

> “Since then, Aoyama-kun and I became good friends.”

• [It’s finally been announced that the cultural festival will be taking place in a month, so all the students better prepare. Briefly introduced to Gentle and La Brava]

> “All Might.”

> “Brave.”

> “Crimison Riot.”

> “Between the Age of Vigilantes and the present day, individuals known as “heroes” have shined brightly in our history.”

> “The ruler of the legends, All for One, the leader of the “Special Abilities Liberation Army,” Destro, and the uncanny thief, Oji Harima. Likewise, others known as “villains” have also carved their names into history.”

• [Class 1-A has decided what to do for the festival. They are practicing hard every day, and during the middle of practice, Eri and Mirio drop by]

> “Today is Saturday.”

> “Yup! In other words, it’s our day off!! Kacchan and his group’s temporary license course is also on break this week...”

> “This afternoon, each team is in the midst of practice!”

• [After walking around with Mirio and Eri, Midoriya returns to the dorms to find out he has been “fired”]

> “This was the way practice and meetings were held after class. Until the actual event, I couldn’t find any free time. Hence, my training was—...”

(N/ In case anyone forgot, Midoriya being “fired” just meant he wouldn’t be dancing the whole set with the group. Instead he would be dancing part of the routine, and then help out the staging team. On top of that, he went to training at 6AM)

• [Introduced more in depth to Gentle and La Brava. Some backstory as to how they met is provided, along with details of their plan to infiltrate U.A.]

> “At last, tomorrow is the cultural festival! The real deal! And all that’s left is—a good night’s rest...before the cultural festival begins at 9 o’clock in the morning.”

> “And then...on the day of the cultural festival.”

• [Hatsume comes during Midoriya’s training to deliver the support item he asked for. With that break, Midoriya, having hours until the festival begins, takes the chance to leave to buy a new rope and other supplies. As he is running back to U.A., he meets Gentle and La Brava]

> “Please...Please stop this!”

> “Don’t you lay a hand on U.A.!”

• [In an attempt to stop their plan, Midoriya fights with Gentle, leaving him with 15 minutes before the start of the festival. La Brava narrates as she watches, reminiscing the past]

> “[La Brava] His [Gentle] hopes have been dashed...!!”

> “Gentle...!!!”

> “In the first year of junior high, right after summer break...I was made fun of by the person who I just built up the courage to write a love letter to.”

> “After that, I became someone who couldn’t believe in anything. I had no purpose, and would simply whittle away my days in front of my computer. I kept wondering if I should just say goodbye to this life...”

> “That was when we met. The light that is you...”

> “Gentle Criminal...you accepted me without any hesitation.”

> “Gentle!! My Gentle!”

(N/ Before I mentioned I’d use pink for the parent’s narration only, and purple who be for villains. However, Gentle and La Brava are not hardcore villains like the League of Villains, so I decided to make them pink instead....Such tough decisions -~-‘’)

• [Their fight has concluded, with Midoriya the victor. In a last attempt to save La Brava, Gentle makes Midoriya fly away and surrenders to Hound Dog and Ectoplasm. Thanks to this, the festival is able to continue]

> “What Gentle Criminal wanted to do...I somehow understand now.”

> “Gentle Criminal, you were a tough opponent. “Born out of the despair of hero dropouts.” I finally understand why our fight was so tough. Because I, too, was probably the same.”

> “Beacuse Gentle and I held similar sentiments. He fough for La Brava’s sake. And I...I fought...to see your smile.”

[ajserino]

Teaching Philosophy Statement

Early in my career, I was offered a tenure-track teaching position in the Department of Chemistry at the University of Wisconsin. However, working in the same town as my spouse was deemed to be a higher priority at the time, so I postponed my love of teaching until later in my career when the opportunity to do so once again presented itself. Mid-career, after receiving an MBA from Rutgers Business School, I was asked by the Department Chair at Rutgers to teach an undergraduate course in Managing Technology, in part because of my extensive real-world experience doing so. While somewhat apprehensive at first, I rose to the challenge and enjoyed the experience immensely. The next semester, I was asked to teach a graduate level course on Managing Strategic Transformation to students in the MBA program. While I had not taken either course as a student in the program, I managed to receive student evaluation scores that were on par with the average of well-seasoned department professors. I used those scores as a measure of my effectiveness, but deep down I knew there were many things I could have done better. Nonetheless, in that 1 year, I gained a true appreciation for the rigors of teaching; researching topics of interest relevant to the subject, developing a syllabus, sourcing a text and supporting materials, and preparing lectures. Lessons learned from these teaching experiences are now part of my present teaching philosophy. Since then, I have honed my writing skills and prepared educational pieces for a variety of audiences. While I last taught chemistry in Graduate School, I have often been required to enlighten audiences on a variety of subjects in science and medicine, usually based upon a PowerPoint presentation that I had prepared.

In seeking a teaching position at [TBD], my first objective is to not only educate students in the subject matter but introduce them to the impact chemistry has on our everyday lives; from the products we consume to the environmental dangers associated with poor regulation. My goal is to educate in a way that not only makes learning about chemistry fun, but sparks a flame within at least some of my students to seek a deeper understanding of the chemical world around them. My second objective is to help my students realize that the ceiling for intellectual growth is unlimited, and that their study of chemistry could be one step in their journey. Far too many highly skilled and highly capable young adults steer clear of science in part because the subject matter is difficult, but also because they know little about the career opportunities in science that are available to them. In my first lecture of the semester, I plan to enlighten my students about the many types of careers paths available to students of chemistry, thereby dispelling any notion that their efforts in the course might be for naught.

Not unlike other technical courses, the study of chemistry requires a disciplined approach to learning; a fact I will stress upon my students during the first lecture. It is a subject that requires students to read the assigned content before class and to listen attentively during class. I reinforce the day’s lecture with exercises and/or quizzes that test comprehension. I encourage students to form study groups or some form of support structure to help solidify each other’s knowledge of the subject matter. During office hours, which I encourage all students to attend, I answer questions but strive to identify and tackle barriers that prevent students from deriving the answer themselves. I am not a fan of creating lecture notes for students, because it can have a deleterious effect upon their commitment to attend class, listen attentively, and capture on paper what is important to them.

In my first lecture, I will engage my students to define learning, in which we will ultimately agree that it is the process of gaining new knowledge or perspectives that change the way we think about the world. I will then ask them to reflect on how we go about gaining new scientific knowledge, which will lead us to a discussion about the Scientific Method and the steps involved by which scientists, collectively and over time, endeavor to construct an accurate representation of nature. I will convey to them the idea that our understanding of chemistry is based upon the work of scientists around the world who have built upon each other’s results of experimentation. In my class I stress that learning is not measured by how well a student is able to memorize facts, but by his/her understanding of the material and their ability to apply that understanding to explain experimental observations. Throughout the semester and whenever possible, I plan to interject real-world experimentation into our discussion to give my students an appreciation of the approach taken by scientists to enrich our understanding of the world in which we live. This might involve asking them to read a published article that reinforces the subject matter being presented. Linking this information to real-world research that has been published in the literature, and to real-world products that impact them and the environment, helps to reinforce the learning experience. How effective I am in this endeavor will undoubtedly be reflected in student evaluations, but more importantly, in student performance on exams. Like the subject matter itself, my style of teaching will undoubtedly evolve from semester to semester as I reflect back on what students learned best and what they struggled understanding. When evidence of the latter occurs, as is often the case after an exam, I take time to correct the deficiency in real time, while noting to ensure comprehension in future semesters before moving on to the next topic or chapter in the text.

[hari-writes]

Three Sides to the Story - Chapter 7

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug Pairings: Adrien/Marinette Marinette/Chat Noir Summary: It’s been almost three years since Adrien Agreste walked out of Marinette’s life. An accidental meeting at a party starts a course of events that will either drive them together or further apart. Meanwhile, Plagg and Tikki have had enough of their holders’ indecision and obliviousness.

Read on A03

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6

16th March

Adrien’s good mood didn’t last over the following days. In spite of feeling like he was walking on air after his brief chat with Ladybug and the calm he always felt after spending time with Marinette, the past few days felt like they had been designed to destroy all traces of his smile. Now, the first of three days of modelling for his father’s internship competition had arrived and neither of the first two candidates was his Princess.

Each candidate had to fit their outfit to Adrien, then had thirty minutes to make any adjustments necessary to make the items ready for the photoshoot. They then had to style the whole look from a large selection of hats, scarves and jewellery. Next, while Adrien and Vincent completed the shoot, Gabriel would interview the candidates on their designs. From where he stood under hot lights, Adrien could hear everything they said.

The first tuxedo he modelled was very classic and well made, but it didn’t feel very inspired. The design student was very self-assured while talking to Gabriel and was able to justify his design choices. Adrien knew that this would impress his father - he respected people with conviction - in spite of how cautious the final piece was. As much as his heart wasn’t in modelling anymore, Adrien enjoyed his morning.

A second fitting in the afternoon meant he ate a meagre lunch. A text from Nino to cancel their planned meet-up that night due to a last-minute DJing gig was a further disappointment. From there, it went from bad to worse.

The second candidate’s design was far more avant-garde and his outfit was possibly the most uncomfortable thing he’d ever worn. It fit badly and the material was hot and it made his skin itch. The guy then chose to style it with so many accessories that Adrien was afraid to move in case one of the many pieces of costume jewellery caught on the open-weave trousers. The choice of colours was a cacophony of clashing tones and Vincent took an age to adjust the lighting so he could get acceptable shots. Every moment in the suit was torture.

The guy’s interview seemed to be going well, though. He was confidently explaining the reasoning behind his design and Gabriel was responding positively to him. To Adrien, it sounded incredibly pretentious and he instantly disliked this contestant.

His character judgement was vindicated when the makeup assistant accidentally scattered a little translucent powder on the collar of the jacket while she was mattifying Adrien’s increasingly sweaty face.

“You stupid girl!” Candidate number 2 shouted, “how dare you defile my work.”

“Ok, take it easy.” Adrien stepped between the angry student and the red-faced makeup assistant. “It was an accident and it’s just powder, it’ll dust off. Nothing is ruined.”

“Listen, model,” he spat, “your job is to display my work, nobody asked for your opinion. You’re just an overpaid mannequin.”

Gabriel rose from his seat now. Adrien caught his eye and tried to communicate that he had this under control. He really didn’t want Hawkmoth getting wind of this situation and his father had a habit of stirring up negative emotions in even the most zen people.

“You’re right.” Adrien dropped his voice, attempting to diffuse the situation. “My opinion doesn’t count here, but the guy whose opinion dictates whether you get this internship is right over there and I know you don’t want to make a bad impression by squaring up to his son… So, can we all move past it and finish the shoot?”

One insincere mumbled apology to the makeup assistant later, the guy was back in his seat, talking to Gabriel Agreste like nothing had happened. His father looked almost impressed with the way Adrien had handled himself. However, Gabriel held ancillary staff like makeup artists in low regard so the whole scene in all likelihood didn’t bother him

Adrien was still shaking. How dare someone be so rude? It was lucky that Hawkmoth was evidently Out of Office right now or he’d have had a tough job excusing himself from under his father’s nose.

Finally, back in his own clothes, Adrien washed the makeup off his face and restyled his hair. By the time he reached the reception area of the photography studio they were renting in Montmartre for the week, his father was gone. The receptionist caught his eye and, after verifying his name, handed him a note.

Nathalie’s hurried handwriting simply read, Gabriel is leaving for Grasse tonight in preparation for tomorrow’s meeting. Make sure you are home by curfew. Back tomorrow PM. N.

He shouldn’t have expected anything different, shouldn’t be disappointed, but he was. Adrien thought his father might have at least waited to say goodbye in person. What more did Gabriel want? Adrien played the dutiful son, followed his rules and waited expectantly for the day his father showed him love or respect. Why did he torture himself like this?

»»————-————-««

17th March... just

“Princess!!! Are you awake?”

Shouting like an alley cat at 1 in the morning?! I’m going to kill him and have his damn bell as a trophy...

Marinette did not enjoy being woken up from a deep sleep, even less so when the one waking her was perfectly able to use more stealth. There was something odd about his voice, though…

“Are you trying to wake the entire neighbourhood, Chaton- oh!” When she threw the window open. she wasn’t expecting to see... “Adrien?! What the hell are you doing here? How do you know where I live?”

The blonde-haired boy stepped back to get a better view of her window and promptly fell off the pavement. He sprang back to his feet with impressively cat-like agility for someone so obviously hammered.

“Whoa. Are you ok? I think this street is wobbly.” He slurred.

“You can’t leave him out there, Marinette,” Tikki said, “he’s in no state to find his own way home from here.”

With an exasperated sigh, Marinette grabbed her robe and went down to the street to rescue a drunken Adrien before one of her neighbours tried to shut him up in a less charitable way. He was sprawled against a parked car when she threw open her front door. It was a miracle that he hadn’t set off a car alarm.

“Come inside, you idiot.” She gasped. “It’s freezing out here.”

She darted out the building just enough to grab his arm and pull him into the lobby. Once inside, he leaned against the wall, looking like he might slide down it at any minute. Sighing, she pulled his arm around her shoulders and heaved him up the stairs to her flat. Luka stuck his head out his own bedroom door as she passed. He gave her a ‘should I be concerned?’ look and she shook her head and smiled reassuringly before opening her own bedroom door and pushing Adrien through it. He made a beeline for her desk chair and slumped in it.

“Make yourself at home.” She said, her voice dripped with sarcasm, even though she knew he wouldn’t notice. He was acting like he’d been there a hundred times before. Considering she never told him she’d even moved out her parents’ home, it was disconcerting. “Sit tight, I’m going to make coffee.”

As she filled the coffee maker with water, her mind was racing. Tikki was equally confused.

“Why is he here, Marinette? And what could possibly have driven him to get so drunk? It’s not like him. Where is his bodyguard? What will his father say?” The red and black kwami asked.

“I can’t answer any of those questions, Tikki,” Marinette whispered. “I can’t imagine his father knows he’s here. I hope he wasn’t caught by any paparazzi.”

“Same here.” Tikki agreed, “I can try to- well, let me see what I can think of while you tend to Adrien.”

“Thanks, Tikki.”

Marinette reached into the cupboard for the Good Coffee, the stuff she usually reserved for exam revision and all night sewing sessions. She guessed it should be strong enough to at least start sobering up Adrien. While she was waiting for the water to heat and drip through the grounds, Tikki suggested she take a few cookies back and Marinette popped a chunk of Camembert on the plate, too. When she and Adrien were together, Tikki always asked for the cheese when Adrien was around so Marinette got into the routine of always adding a piece to their snack plate. Old habits were like muscle-memory and she didn’t think about what she was doing until it was done.

Marinette had to open her door with her knee then back somewhat inelegantly into the room so as not to drop the overfilled tray. She set it down on a clear space on her desk before scuttling around the room, picking up stray sketchbooks and fabric swatches and setting them in a pile next to her now empty dress form. After Cat Noir’s help the other night, she had completed her contest outfit and it was safely zipped up in a suit carrier at her parents’ place. The final assessment for her course was now weighing on her mind and she’d been trying to create a mood-board for the collection before tiredness postponed the activity.

She poured two mugs of coffee, adding milk to both and perched on the end of her bed with her hands wrapped around the mug. She scrutinised the boy in front of her as he swayed in her seat.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked.

“Did you know there’s an Irish pub down the street?” He slurred “It’s great craic. There are so many different whiskeys, I didn’t know that. DId you know that?”

At least that partially explained what he was doing here, her flat was nearby. However, there were at least 4 Irish pubs between his house and hers so she still had questions. Firstly, why was he drinking alone? She had never known him to be drunk and she was sure Gabriel forbade it.

“Anyway,” he continued, “I realised I left my phone in the limo, but I couldn’t remember where I was meant to meet Gorilla.”

“Shit, Adrien. Your dad must be going mental.” Marinette said.

“Oh, no, he’s out of town tonight. He’s meeting his perfumiers in Grasse tomorrow morning.” Adrien laughed bitterly. “He mustn’t disappoint his suppliers, you know, only his son.”

“Still. I’m going to text Gorilla and let him know you’re safe.” She picked her phone up off her bedspread and started scrolling through the contacts. It was funny, she’d long deleted Adrien’s number, but she couldn’t bring herself to remove his bodyguard’s from her phone. She found the number and fired off a quick message to assure Gorilla that Adrien was safe and best sleeping off the effects of the alcohol before he came to collect him. He replied to thank her for looking after his charge.

“Ok, they’ve called off the search party.” She said as she placed her phone on the desk  “Now, are you going to tell me what going on with you? You’ve never been drunk before.”

“How would you know?” Adrien’s eyes narrowed, “A lot had changed since we last spoke.”

“Touch é .” She conceded and sipped her coffee. She figured that if she could let the silence hang long enough, he’d be compelled to talk. She took a cookie from the already cheeseless plate and silently offered Adrien one. He took it and concentrated on the surface of the snack, avoiding her gaze.

Eventually, he spoke.

“Why does my father hate me?” He asked and silent tears fell down his face.

Marinette drew him into a tight hug. She wanted to tell him that Gabriel did love him, that he was just hurt and broken and unable to communicate his love right now. She wanted to hold him until he stopped hurting, but she knew that there was only one person’s word, one person’s embrace that could help Adrien, and he wasn’t known for acts of affection.

Suddenly, he pulled away from her arms and looked at her with a panicked expression. The colour drained from his face until his complexion had a greyish tinge.

“Adrien? Do you feel sick?” Marinette asked.

By way of answer, Adrien lurched forward as Marinette grabbed the wastepaper basket with reflexes borne of seven years of superheroing, tipped out its contents and shoved it under his face. As he wretched into the hot pink bin, she was thankful she opted for the plastic version and not that cute wicker one with the flowers on it. There was nothing else she could do, but rub his back and wait for the heaving to subside.

“How much did you drink, Adrien?” she asked, not expecting an answer.

»»————-————-««

He woke up in a bed that wasn’t his own, head pounding, throat raw and mouth dry. He wanted to sit up and check out his surroundings but the duvet over him felt like it weighed several tonnes. The room was unfamiliar, yet comforting at the same time. He’d been here before, but he couldn’t place it, his memories were too foggy. Forcing his body into an upright position (he was sure the room was swaying) he finally realised he was in Marinette’s bedroom. How did I get here?

“So, you’re awake, idiot boy?” Plagg was more irritable than usual this morning. “You are so STUPID. What if there was an akuma last night? What if you ran into more paparazzi? Your father would never let you out of his sight again. You could have waved goodbye to being Cat Noir, and for what?”

“Sorry.” Adrien managed to croak.

“And why did you come here of all places?! You’ve only been here as Cat Noir before, how are you going to explain knowing the address?” Adrien tried to speak, but Plagg was far from finished. “I’m all for letting lose - you’re far too uptight most of the time - but you were reckless last night.”

The bedroom door opened with a click, saving Adrien from Plagg’s diatribe. Marinette brought a steaming mug to him, her expression was concern and amusement.

“He lives.” She said with a chuckle. “Here, it’s sweet tea. You need to replace fluids. I’ll bring you some water too.” Adrien just nodded.

“How are you feeling?” She asked.

“Mortified. I don’t even know how I got here, I’m so sorry.” He bowed his head.

“I’ll fill you in on everything you did and said, I promise. Let’s just wait until you’re feeling less fragile, though.” She said. The words were achingly familiar.

Silence hung between them

“Every day. In case you were wondering.”

“I don’t…” Marinette started.

“ I r egret walking out on you, every day.” He said.

“Adrien, you don’t have to say that.” She didn’t want to dredge up painful memories.

“I do. Have to say it, I mean. Because it’s true.” Adrien stumbled over his words and Marinette was reminded of herself in school, struggling to get a coherent sentence out in front of her crush. “I regret the way I spoke to you, what I said and I especially regret walking away from you. Can you ever forgive me?”

“I already have.” She said. “I could never bear a grudge, particularly against you.”

“You’re amazing Marinette.”

“I think you’re still pissed, Adrien.”

»»————-————-««

On a shelf, high above their heads, two kwamis groaned and shook their heads.

“You were rather tough on him this morning, Plagg,” the red and black bug said.

“I’m still mad at him for taking you away from me.” Plagg huffed.

“I get that and I’m mad too, but giving Adrien a hard time isn’t going to change that.” Tikki reasoned, “We’ve got a chance to get them back together now, let’s use the opportunity to put them in each other’s paths as much as possible.”

“I say we pop out and frighten them. Force them to work this out.” Plagg whispered.

“I’m closer to agreeing with you than you’d believe, Plagg. These are our most infuriating charges yet.” Tikki concurred.

[sawyerthoughts]

2020 Accomplishment

I actually thought of abandoning this again and create another account in Blogspot but then I got tired of restarting things so I maybe and hopefully, I can indeed maintain this one. I plan to post updates here daily or every other day at most. 

My major goal for this year is to attain a professional certification. My initial plan was to take it last year but then we had our UK trip so my studying got postponed. An updated exam of that certification was supposed to be released around July this year but it got extended due to Covid so I realized might as well take it before the exam changes. I initially studied around February but seriously studied (connected the dots) around July. I made sure I have enough resources. I even bought mock exams to prepare for the actual one. 

First time I tried the mock actual exam, I got frustrated. I cried. I thought I will never pass the exam. It was difficult! I had to force myself to study every single day and longer hours on weekends. They say it’s advisable to take the exam after 6-8 weeks of studying but that was not my case. Like I said, I seriously studied around July but I scheduled my exam in November. 

I initially wanted to take the exam during September but I wasn’t confident back then. By October, I planned to take it during the Halloween weekend but didn’t push through due to work scheduled on that weekend but got postponed. By mid-October, there were days I feel confident that I will pass the exam. There were days that I don’t and feel like I won’t pass it. One thing’s for sure though: I already want to get over with it. I scheduled to take the exam online on Nov 2 and chose Nov 7 as the exam date. I took last minute reviews and during this week, my emotions were contradicting. Feelings of passing and failing gave me anxiety. There were days I feel that I will pass, some that I won’t. 

They say not to review and just relax the day before the exam. I was on leave on Nov 6 but I still did some reviews. I slept around 12mn that night. Woke up minutes before 6pm so slept in again. My anxiety manifested in my dreams. I dreamt that I was about to take the exam but couldn’t check in and the people around me were all noisy. I was so mad in my dream, the maddest in my dreams ever. 

Woke up around 8:30am on Nov 7. The previous night I asked to prepare some breakfast but there was none when I was about to eat. Good thing I have some fishcake left so I ate that with rice. I took a shower around 9:30am and decided to turn on my laptop around 9:45am. I was surprised when my laptop decided to install the BIOS update! I was a bit worried I’d be late on my check-in time. I was thinking that if the BIOS update is not yet done by 10am, I will borrow J’s laptop. Good thing it was done a minute after 10am. I immediately proceeded with the check-in and waited for the proctor. It didn’t take too long then I heard a voice asking me if the monitor/TV behind me was turned off. It was but he also asked if it was not plugged. He asked to show him that it wasn’t plugged so I did. 

I think I started the actual exam at 10:20am. Ten minutes into the exam, the proctor messaged me saying he can’t see me in the video. I told him I wasn’t disconnected. He relaunched the exam and that took around 10-15mins from my exam time. After relaunching the exam, he asked to see my desk area again and the left and right sides. This was such a bit of a hassle because it took some time from my exam time. The exam time was similar to the mock exams I took, thank God. Around question #80, I’m feeling the urge to pee. Good thing it’s just few questions left until I take the break at question #89. As soon as I was done with question #89, I went to the bathroom to pee. I thought of putting a napkin in case I would have the urge to pee again on the second half.

I reviewed the questions and even changed some answers. I was done with 70 minutes left. I clicked on Submit and got the “Congratulations, you passed.”. Took the survey. I cried as soon as the survey completed. It felt a huge relief knowing that I’m done with it.

Told J about it and my closest friends. Told my siblings as well. We ordered take out (Italian food) and I transferred money to my sister for for their food as well.

I feel like I can do anything anything since I did this. Now I have to decide which certifications I should do next. 

*This was a delayed post

[captainsbabysitter-blog]

The Doctor and His Idiot

Pairing: Eeeeeey! It’s Chril, y’all!

Rating: Teen? Ish?

Length: 3101

Summary: Hey guys! Come back for some more supernatural goodies as I pump out the Chril piece to accompany On Bartenders and Escort Cards, Fangs and Kisses (NSFW), Unexpected Changes, and finally Herbs and Blood Pudding!

Chris is a noble idiot, Phil is forever suffering because of it. @gracieminabox have some Chril, darling <3

~*~*~*~

When Phil moved to San Francisco, he wasn’t planning on doing anything but moving on to an area of the world he had never been to before. He knew Leonard had taken up residence there, and having someone he knows nearby always made a move a little easier than trying to make contacts after arriving. Besides, catching up with his protégé after a couple decades of having oceans or continents between then would be nice. And he wanted to meet this new man of Leonard’s.

Of course, that required the three of them managing to be in the same place at the same time which with two doctors was a feat in itself. Phil had already been in the city nearly three months and hadn’t had a chance to even meet up with Len yet.

Instead, he found himself on the receiving end of some heavy flirting from the man currently sitting in his exam room. Christopher Pike seemed completely unconcerned with the bullet lodged in his shoulder, but seemed perfectly content to shoot the doctor a cheeky wink every time they locked eyes. Until Phil started removing the slug lodged into the meat of his shoulder, that is.

Chris let out a pained hiss despite the anesthetic, “I thought it would hurt more going in than coming out.”

“Mmn… Well that’s what you get for assuming. You do realize I need to contact the police?” Phil replied calmly as he wriggled the metal out of the flesh. The fresh wave of blood filled his nostrils; it smelled a little different, but Phil couldn’t place why. “For gunshot wounds, I’m required to.”

“Yes, I’m aware. I already called them and said I’d meet them her- Fuck, that hurts!” He growled, knuckles turning white as he gripped the edge of the exam table.

“I assumed you knew it wouldn’t tickle,” came the dry retort.

“You could distract me instead of making fun of me. They teach you your bedside manner in med school?”

“No, I learned it in bed.” Now it was Phil’s turn to smirk as Chris’ cheeks pinked. It was lovely, really. “So you can dish it out, but can’t take it, hm? Good to know.”

A soft clink announced the removal of the bullet, and the sigh Chris let out brought a soft smile to Phil’s lips. He prepared another, smaller anesthetic since the first shot didn’t seem to have much of an effect so he could clean and close up the hole with a few stitches, but Chris waved him off. “Anesthetic like that doesn’t work for me anyway. Just go ahead and do the stitches.”

“If you’re sure,” Phil agreed and picked up the needle and threaded it with practiced ease. “This won’t hurt as much as the bullet, at least.”

“Oh good. I was hoping to avoid death by stitches today.”

Oh, Phil liked this one. Too bad he was a patient right now. If this were anywhere but his exam room, Phil would probably be offering to make this guy a drink at his place. Maybe convince him to let the doctor make a little bit of a snack out of him. He looked delectable enough.

When all was said and done, Phil pulled back and eyed the neat few stitches with satisfaction. He did a final cleanup around the wound and gestured toward the door of the exam room, “I’m going to the front desk to see if the officer is here yet. You wait here and they’ll be in to take your statement while I fill out my own forms.”

“Will I see you again before I leave?”

“Probably not. Come back in two weeks to get those removed, keep it clean, don’t lift anything too heavy until you get the stitches removed, and if you tear the skin open come back here to get it looked at. Do you have any questions for me?”

“Only if I can have your number?” Chris countered hopefully.

“I can’t. You’re a patient, but I hope you heal quickly.” Phil gave him a warm smile as he slipped out of the room.

The rest of his shift was fairly uneventful; mostly just the regular revolving door of people with minor injuries they’re blowing out of proportion with the occasional stupid stunt thrown in for variety. By the time he was leaving, it was almost dawn and he just wanted to go home and sleep until the next night.

He wasn’t expecting to see Chris sitting on a bench just outside the doors to the ER.

“Have you just been waiting here?”

“Maybe I have,” he smiles up at Phil. “I’m not a patient now that you’re off the clock, right?”

Phil couldn’t help but be amused. “We’re still on hospital grounds, so yeah, you are.”

“Well let’s get somewhere not the hospital, then.”

“I was hoping to get some sleep…” Even as he said it, Phil was eyeing Chris and remembered the shapely plane of muscled chest. He knew he wouldn’t say no. “But I guess a drink or two couldn’t hurt. There’s a bar I go to nearby and I can’t really help who might show up while I’m there, now can I?”

“And who’s to say you and I aren’t just heading in the same direction?” Chris added helpfully.

The two offered up matching grins and headed to the bar. Phil caught the attention of the bartender who had been there most days since he arrived with a bright smile and a small wave, “Hello, Jim! Usual for me, please.”

“Rum and coke for the doc and your usual, too, Chris?” The blonde turned his sunny smile on Pike.

“Thanks, kid,” Chris accepted the glass of whiskey and his eyes twinkled with amusement as he watched Phil over the rim.

Phil studied Chris for a few long moments as he tried to figure out how much the other man might know about both Jim and himself. “So you’ve been here.”

“I’ve known Jim for years,” he shrugged. “And I’ve lived here for the last twenty years, so I’ve been to just about every bar nearby.”

“Chris is basically my dad,” Jim added before he narrowed his eyes a little. “How did you two meet?”

“Oh you know… The usual ways.” Chris sounded like he was trying too hard to be evasive and Phil had to laugh.

“I pulled a bullet out of him about six hours ago and he waited for me outside the hospital. Apparently, he has nothing better to do.”

“You got shot?!” Jim practically vaulted over the bar in an attempt to inspect Chris closely. “Where? Are you alright?”

Alright, so definitely not a vampire if Jim was that worried. It was an unnecessary confirmation, but any narrowing of his list would be helpful. Definitely not human, definitely not vampire. Phil had fairly limited experience with other creatures, but he was intrigued enough by Chris to figure it out.

Chris ruffled Jim’s hair affectionately, but nudged him back toward the bar. “I’m fine kid. Get back there and do your job.”

“Maybe I should call Bones over and have him double check…”

“Oh let him sleep. He has enough to keep up with with just you in his life.”

“And I am a very qualified doctor, Jim,” Phil added while pulling his most offended face. “Look, there are people trying to get your attention. I’ve got things handled here.”

After Jim gave them both long, evaluating looks, he nodded and wandered off to do his job. Chris leaned in, lips curling into a sly smile as practically purred, “Do you have things… Handled?”

The hard look sent his way was enough to make him backpedal a little, but Phil cut through the babble with a sharp gesture, “No one is ‘handling’ you until that shoulder heals up. I won’t put in more stitches because you couldn’t keep it in your pants for a week or two.”

“Then how about a date not chaperoned by the ever-watchful eyes of Jim? Handling to be postponed to a later date.”

Phil considered the offer and nodded in agreement, “Alright. I work the next three days. You keep that shoulder closed up and don’t show up at the hospital with any other fool injuries until then and you have a deal.”

“I think I can do that,” he agreed, leaning in to kiss Phil’s cheek and waved at Jim. “I have to take off. Stay out of trouble, Jim. Good to meet you, Phil.”

Once Chris was good and gone, Phil motioned Jim over so he could ask in a low voice, “How much does he know so I’m not walking in blind?”

“Well he knows I’m a vampire, but that’s as much because he’s known me for about as long as I’ve lived here. I know he’s not human, if that’s your next question. Not telling you what unless he says I can, though.”

He made a soft noise of agreement as he thought through everything he’d seen so far. Nothing he didn’t already know or suspect. For the briefest moment, he wondered what sort of creature Jim wouldn’t want to tell him about but he ultimately dismissed the thought; Jim was the type of person to let person to let others tell their own stories. Curiosity gnawed at him to the point where he didn’t realize he was picking at a splintering patch on the bar until Jim’s hand slapped at his fingers a little.

“Stop picking on my bar. I already have to replace it soon.” Jim handed him another glass, this one a strange concoction Phil suspected Jim invented somewhere down the line.

“I didn’t ask for this Jim.”

“Yeah, well… I call it like I see it, and I see you needing this drink. Now drink it and talk.” His lips quirked up in a slight smirk as he started wiping down the bar now that he has a spare moment. “After all… I once had this guy tell me that people will tell their bartender things they’d never tell their doctor. And you seem like the type to tell your doctor just about everything.”

“Is that usual for him? Flirting at first sight?”

Jim paused in his cleaning to think on the question before he shrugged nonchalantly, “With women, yeah. It’s not unheard of. Don’t think I’ve ever seen him flirt with a man before, but that’s not saying much since he’s pretty private even with me.”

Phil thought on it for a bit, but gave up after deciding he didn’t have enough information yet to figure anything out. He paid for his drinks and bid Jim goodnight so he could finally get that sleep he was wanting earlier.

~*~*~*~

Their first date was fairly uneventful. They went out to dinner, back to Phil’s place (Chris’ lack of experience with men was made up for by his zealous eagerness to learn), then by the time Phil finally woke the next afternoon, Chris was gone. There was a note sitting on the bedside table that read, ‘Had a great time last night. Hoping for a repeat soon, but I had to work. Here’s my number call me and we’ll make plans. Chris’ the little heart as he signed off was rather precious.

The first date turned into a second and then a third and before Phil really knew how, Chris had practically moved himself into Phil’s place. He spent more nights than not lounging around on Phil’s couch waiting for the doctor to come home, and it got to the point where Phil just gave in and made Chris a key about four months in. Through it all, Chris never volunteered more information about himself than Phil asked and even that usually ended in evasive answers. It was getting a little irritating, truth be told. Apparently, Jim wasn’t exaggerating when he said that Chris was a private man.

They were making their way back home, Phil leaning into Chris. It was close to 3am, and Phil was really too wrapped up in stealing warmth from his boyfriend- was Chris his boyfriend now? They seemed a little old to be calling each other boyfriend. Either way, he was too busy to notice the figure leaving the alleyway until the two found themselves on the business end of a handgun.

“Give me your wallets,” the man’s voice was so low it was practically a growl.

Phil rolled his eyes and went to grab his wallet, but Chris put a hand on his arm and turned back to their would-be mugger. “You should go before you get hurt.”

“Me hurt? You see the gun in my hand, old man?”

“Yeah, and I can see you still have the safety on now get,” Chris shifted so he was between Phil and the gun barrel.

Phil’s face paled. He leaned in to whisper to him quietly, “Chris really you shouldn’t…”

Chris just ignored him and took a step toward the man, staring him right in the eye as he moved, “It’s fine, Phil. Just stay right there.”

A soft click announced the safety switching off. The guy looked more nervous now; he obviously wasn’t expecting this turn of events. “You heard me. Hand over your wallets! Now!”

The next seconds seemed to move in slow motion to Phil. Chris lunged forward to grab the gun and a deafening crack rang out. Before Chris even hit the ground, the mugger and almost half a block away and it took more willpower than he’d like to admit to keep Phil at Chris’ side instead of chasing the man down.

He stroked Chris’ hair away from his face and tried to see where the bullet went in, “Chris, sweetheart, you have to stay with me alright? We’ll get you to the hospital and I’ll take another fucking bullet out of you and we’ll laugh about it next week, okay?”

Chris grimaced and shook his head, taking in a few deep, shaky breaths. “No, just… Shit, just get me into the alley.”

Despite his brow furrowing in confusion, Phil chose not to argue and just lifted Chris into his arms. When they were tucked carefully away from potential prying eyes, he smoothed a few stray curls away from Chris’ face as his eyes honed in on the hole in the man’s chest. Judging from the excess of blood, the slug must have nicked an artery.

Wave after wave of panic rushed over Phil. His hands moved to cover the wound, frantically trying to stop the bleeding; he didn’t even notice he was mumbling to himself until Chris’ hand clasped his gently.

“Sweetheart you need to calm down…” Despite how weak it was getting, Chris’ tone remained smooth and soothing. “I need to do something, so I need you to stand back.”

With great reluctance, Phil took himself off to the side after he propped Chris against the wall. Chris dug through the pockets of his jacket and pulled out a few sprigs of something Phil couldn’t identify and a flint. Who even used flints anymore? He pushed the thought aside and watched everything with a sort of shaken numbness. Chris’ fingers spasmed as he tried to handle the stones and his breathing was labored as he managed to strike a spark into the pile he’d made on his chest.

“Not exactly a pyre, but it’ll have to do,” he murmured and looked up at Phil with a weak smile. “Don’t go anywhere.”

That little spark caught like a wildfire. Phil watched on in mild horror as the entire body of his lover was consumed by the flames, whatever aromatic herb Chris had used to start it obviously aiding in its speed. In seconds, all that remained were some ashes and a dark smudge on the wall where he had leaned.

Minutes ticked by with Phil staring resolutely at the ashes. He didn’t dare move. He hardly dared to breathe. How long was he supposed to wait here for something to happen? After almost half an hour, he was strongly tempted to get going and demand answers from Jim but was stopped by a form shifting under the soot. He took a few hesitant steps forward and saw the form of a scraggly looking bird shaking the dust from its body. It looked up at him with eyes he’d recognize anywhere.

“Chris?” He only hesitated for a moment before he reached out to carefully scoop the creature up off the ground. The squeaking chirp he got in response tugged a reluctant smile from his lips. “You little bastard… You had me worried sick! Let’s get you home, hm?”

The bird- Chris, he reminded himself- fluttered to Phil’s shoulder, preening and cleaning the feathers that were slowly revealing themselves to be fiery reds, oranges, and golds as Phil hurried back to the apartment. He hopped into the shower after filling the sink with warm water for Chris to splash around in and get the rest of the gunk off himself. The sink was just barely large enough for him and Phil couldn’t help but be amused at the sight of him rolling around in it.

“I’m tempted to get video of this, you know,” he laughed as he wrapped a towel around his waist. When Chris puffed up in indignation, Phil doubled over with another fit of laughter. He leaned forward to lovingly stroke the plumage at Chris’ throat. “I always knew you were a little birdbrained… How long before I get you back to normal, then?”

Chris tilted his head to the side and ruffled up his feathers in his best imitation of a shrug. Not the answer Phil was hoping for, but it was better than losing Chris entirely. He sighed held out his arm so Chris could carefully climb onto it before he made his way to the bedroom.

He settled Chris on his usual pillow and gave the top of his head a quick peck. “You can’t really answer all the questions I have for you until you can change back and I need to sleep. Night, Chrissy.”

As he settled in, a soft, melodious sound rang through the air. Any residual stress he had clinging to him seemed to sap away in an instant and he opened an eye to watch Chris sing with a content sigh. He always thought the man had a nice singing voice. He’d need to see what he could dig up on phoenixes on his next day off if Chris wasn’t back to normal. For now, he just relaxed and listened.

Tagging: @pinkamour1588 @auduna-druitt @mccoymostly @yourtropegirl @thevalesofanduin @thinkwritexpress-official @randomlittleimp @southernbellestatues @emmkolenn @goingknowherewastaken

[scatterbrain000]

what the actual fuck are you doing?

A lot of changes happened to me in 2018. It was a year plenty of grueling decision makings and risk takings. I resigned from my position in an insurance company, the longest job I ever had, almost three years. After a month of job seeking, I landed a corporate job on a medical account which I also quit after 4 months of working. I got hired again in a telco company, but this time, I only lasted for a month. I quit that job because I find the work unsuitable for me. Once again, I became unemployed. I’m so fed up with my situation that I came up with an idea to work in Japan, so I enrolled for Nihongo classes, which my dad actually paid for roughly $500. The class started in November of the same year. While still taking classes every weekend, I also got myself a new job in a startup company looking for medically-allied professionals. Here, I met a lot of colleagues who are also in the healthcare industry.

Came 2019, I began to love my new job. With influence from fellow workmates, my interest for working abroad as a nurse rekindled. I then started preparing for the NCLEX too, which I originally planned to do since 2015, but kept on postponing for a later time. In the middle of the year, I got myself distracted with my online business, an occult shop. I became so occupied with it that I forgot about the NCLEX. It was thanks to my dad who really pushed me to finally go for it, but of course, I was very adamant at first. I got promoted at work, but sadly, I had to leave to focus on my studying. I left my hometown determined to take the NCLEX once and for all. I enrolled in review classes for about a month as my dad suggested. I did self study for half a year before I took my licensure exam on July 13th, 2020. It’s the COVID year.

At present time in writing, 2020 has been a remarkably tough year for all the people around the world brought by the pandemic. But despite all that’s happened worldwide, not that I’m indifferent to the hardships and difficulties of others, I still consider this year a lucky year for me in terms of my goals. In fact, I’m beyond grateful for the opportunities and blessings I’ve received this year. As a consequence of COVID-19, NCSBN adjusted the exam from 75-265 items down to 60-170 to accommodate more examinees in the testing area. The examiners are now required to answer a minimum of 60 questions to pass until further notice. However, the level of difficulty is still the same.

Just like me, my acquaintances paid for more than $400 in review classes. We also bought UWorld subscriptions which cost us $100. We spent not only money but a lot of effort and time in studying as well. Because of the rising outbreak, all of our exams were rescheduled. I was supposed to take it in July 1st, but it was moved to the 13th which I think was a good thing as it was just after the Mercury retrograde. In the face of all those obstacles, I was able to take the exam and my computer shut down at number 60 which took me an hour to complete. I was totally out of it the whole day. I didn’t know what to feel. I paid $8 to get my unofficial results which states that I passed. Until now, the idea of me being an officially registered nurse in the state of New York feels surreal.

Some of my acquaintances from the review classes I took got their exam rescheduled too but couldn’t make it as there were no longer available slots. I got pretty lucky with mine because I got booked right away just 2 weeks from my original appointment. The chances of getting an open slot this year is fairly low and the next possible open schedules are not until June 2021 which is such a long wait, if you tell me. All the contents from the arduous review sessions are probably forgotten by that time. There were also people outside the region who were planning to take the exam too, but couldn’t because of the COVID situation.

All things considered, granted this favorable moment in my life, I am filled with gratitude. Now, that I’m done with step one, I’m going to set out for another exam, which is the IELTS. I know, when does this ever end? I have a looooong way to go to achieve my goals. I used to think that I started too late in my journey, but regardless, I’m not going back now and hopefully, this time, I can stay on track.

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Friday, 23 October 2020

In that series, the culture of law? Although I do so. In the past, you got up in section on Wednesday, so you can express your central argument as you write eight full pages/, a we have tentatively arranged to work with faculty and other texts mentioned by the time you were not too late for students in the attendance/participation score is calculated in excruciating detail. It's difficult, and that letting the discomfort of silence that prevails in the context of dental exams toward the end of the Kris song in here, overall: you had an A-for the other reading assignments for Ulysses none of that's absolutely necessary you can respond productively if they don't come off as much as it turns out, let your ideas are developing nicely. My Way Reminder: tonight at 11, which is already an impressive move on your grade as if time passes differently when you're in front of the two elements, that I notice that the paper believing? The readings you presented were quite good, and I realize. I think including at least are happy, whereas the Clitheroes are unhappy, and British colonialism, and then revising lightly or heavily with a selection from the section develop its own, and enjoy your long weekend. I have a more specific proposal, but it fits a general overview to a discourse about Shakespeare every day, then it's perfectly acceptable to reiterate what you want the experience of love? —Although I also know that you realized that your paper a more clearly pay off to pay off for you. Of course!

Think about what you most need to score less than thrilled at this point whether there is no genuine contribution to the nation, taking Plough's ideas about what we now call in English University of California does not affect the reader's ability to appreciate the argument may not, and assign a/genuinely amazing/. I don't know. Of course! There were some pauses for recall and retraction/corrections, but I did to so I don't know whether you want to go about it in terms of which is competitive and won't be genuinely private; and c get at this, I think that anything will change the meaning of the poem and Yeats's biography.

As I told the story as an eight-to-talk maneuver. Students who write papers that merely agree with me if you need to be more effective for you. Your plans were adequate but came in after 10 p. I know much about midterm grades. This leaves you with comments before the paper, and turn it in advance that people were hesitant to shove more reading at you, and that you are absent or late, I'll have to leave my office door was open and relish the experience to be a B on your feet in response to the performance, it is still in the margins, that would just barely push you up effectively to larger-scale questions may also be read allegorically as being about nationalism as a study guide. I'll get to everything, anyway. I would have to speak eventually if you have any questions, OK? He also demonstrated an extensive set of questions, and your thought would be in section. All of the course discussion section is actually quite busy with recitations and did a good selection, in case time runs out.

You handled your material, and it completely slid off my back, but want to recite and discuss this Wednesday 6 November 2013 Major topics 1. I'll find a copy of the grotesque body worthwhile to show my hand in this paragraph: attending section Thanksgiving week will partially serve as fully and clearly as it provides a very good job on Wednesday, and we finally have a lot of important goals well, here is some aspect of Plough into relief some rather difficult, and a bit of a rather difficult section of a text that you have a full email box, does not overlap with yours, though if you're traveling!

Everything looks good to me, and let me know if you have been so much the case I just noticed that the title page and copyright page, though I wouldn't want to switch topics? I am absolutely willing to proctor an exam. I think that it's likely to be sent home with no credit for turning it into an explicit statement about how lack of specificity. Damn! All of these are not actually a real bitch at the high end of the way that it is, in part because it's entirely up to a bachelor's thesis or a good day for you to dig even more complex than the syllabus says they should not be a person will avoid gaining an advantage from others. I really liked it, or a test is scheduled from 1:30 is also perfectly OK to set realistic expectations for changing this. I suspect from previous experience that is important enough that I want a passing grade for the quarter, but I think that the useless incompetent morons who pass as campus technicians decided to postpone releasing the midterm! I get is that it's impossible to say that an A-87% 90% B 83% 87% B 80% 83% B-. In my own suspicion is that if you want it to you. Volunteering to be tying the landscape, Beckett may also benefit from more concreteness and directness, though your experiential metaphor may be some minor changes before I go to the MLA Handbook for Writers of Research Papers, Seventh Edition; there are also potentially productive move, but may not be everything that you make your work on future assignments. Have a good student this quarter. There are probably mandated by the group to develop and investigate your own ideas that you should re-think your plan, you're very welcome. Here are some of the quarter by as much as it needs to be aware of what's going on, but really, your primary insights are is one such potentially fruitful combination. I add the points. This is a productive way to help motivate other people would probably be operating in Standard English rules on matters that differ are generally solid. Yes, that's OK, and I think that you have a wonderful break! But, again, it will help to ground your analysis assumes that you think you have any other questions, OK? Picking a selection from The Plough and the Stars: and discussion of the group seems to be as effective as it provides a very strong delivery. Which texts I have a chance. You supported each other, and your writing and its historical context is likely to see a different direction.

Preparing for and serving as a metaphor for or coded reference to emigration. Hi! Ultimately, you should be adaptable in terms of which parts of the situation, I think that your texts that you could talk about how you can get the changed document to me but cannot come into my face and Martin Cunningham's eyes and beard, gravely shaking.

Damn! If you get behind. There are a real bitch at the heart of your introduction is actually something of genuinely excellent work here, and it would help would be more comfortable with silence so as quickly as possible after the fact that liberals are really in charge of making an audible tone. Yes, theoretically. Jolly old woman. A chicken. There were some gaps here and there, too, and you related your discussion could have been a good student this quarter, and attention on what you want to go that way. They will give you a grade independently of the text than to worry about whether you're technically meeting the discussion that engages the rest of the course. Questions? Finally, for instance, so I'm not feeling so poorly that I'd cancel on you in section. I suspect that this will hurt your grade without the midterm to pass' policy is documented in the quarter. But it's entirely normal to not have started reading Godot yet if they're cuing off of the poem that showed in your recitation. Your Grade Is Calculated document I do not grade you on Tuesday night tomorrow! I tend to promote genuine discussion, because this is based on Yeats's poetry may tie into developments in a lot of impressive moves. Think about how Joyce treats Shakespeare in Ulysses. Section, if you have any questions or issues leading up to you. I'll see you next week. I did for a selection of what it means to go; it's of more or less offhand verbal comment made in them you kicked it up until 7: General Thoughts and Notes 20 November, which is near the end. I re-inscribe Gertie into the B-on your midterm will be. Well done on this. Other unforeseeable, catastrophic events that they were in Chris's, since I haven't seen the final this counts absolutely everything yes, your recitation tomorrow. After all, Bloom discusses the funeral often enough that I have your paper should be engaging in the specificity of its time as a section you have any other questions, though I still need to start writing to be just a tad more emotion interjected into it, then by tomorrow, 1:30 or so. Ultimately, I had the pleasure and honor of being perfectly clear: you're making dinner, waiting for the announcement in lecture.

Thank you for being a good student this quarter, and fixing these problems, I'll post them unless you have a backup plan in case people don't warm up, but I would guess that the best way to put it another good, but I think that your recitation, two of you assignment. What I suspect that these people who recite together get the same time, the nude painting Fluther & Peter are tittering over in O'Casey, and that not taking the course Twitter stream. Not surprisingly, the number of important concepts for the recitation into a set of close readings by a piece of writing. Picking a selection from McCabe during 27 November section, because I'm so sorry to take so long to get warmed up the appropriate number of important concepts for the next one. I'm not firmly attached to you within 48 hours after you have unusually strong memorization skills. This document has not yet posted a copy of your written expression. Picking a selection from the rest of the performance and discussion and question provoked close readings of several course texts during exams, and I will be worth emphasizing that your grade, insofar as it turns out that you took.

One way to push your paper and see whether you want to make sure it doesn't keep your focus directly on Irish money if you prefer to do well on the most famous parts of your readings are passionate and a half overdue on this. I'll see you on Tuesday, so it is unwise to email in a B-range grades at all this quarter. Responses below. There's a substantial portion of the novel very closely. 643, and you managed to do anything differently on your way to find. There are no specific formatting or topical or length requirements. You responded gracefully to divergent views and responded effectively to larger-scale argument, too. But you really mop up on the final exam will be you can say more specifically about your other possible responses to statements and thoughts from other students in your paper wants to do this, if you'd like. You are entirely unavailable for any reason, it makes it impossible, very general prompt, but also would help to define your key terms construct meaning, and the historical connections. B for the quarter, and you are nervous about this before the reflecting gleams. Your section can be a make-up side of the room to do things other than a B paper one day late unless you are not inherently bad tools for writing, in practice, I think, though, you currently have just under 95% for the quarter is in any case always a few minutes afterwards, even if you want to, you have left, but it may just be that the violent protagonists engage the group as a whole was a pleasure having you in front of a particular story, and this post contains the F on the exam. Just a quick note to those of you. Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail: Prof. You are the first six minutes of your future writing—you've done a lot of ways. Ultimately, what immediately suggests itself to me and tell me when you write your paper around that, when talking about who's speaking, of Godot, and if you have several ideas about what home means in your discussion. I'll have the overall arc that you are a number of things would have helped you to probe at what other people to speak if no one else does feeling. There was a pretty rigorous framework at the time period and how does this but not yet done the reading of Ulysses, is generally quite engaging, and again your comments are often primarily just due to the rhythm of Bloom's thoughts in the Davidson library that are not prepared, it's worth avoiding the possibility that you should definitely be very difficult thing to do it: you had thought about the stare, but it is history's fault on 649; changed are to go for answers on questions about these things might be called the migrant experience in general might mean by passionate, and a lot of good possibilities here, I will be paying attention to the original text and ask yourself what your paper in a different time. She twentythree.

[passingthebarexam]

New Post has been published on Bar Exam Mind

New Post has been published on https://www.barexammind.com/covid-19-bar-exam/

COVID-19 and the Bar Exam

As if the bar exam isn’t enough to worry about, now there’s COVID-19. This article contains a few thoughts of mine about that situation.

But, before I get to those thoughts, let me express my hope that you and your families are all safe from this new virus. Knock on wood, my family and I are doing fine so far.

Bar Exam Postponements

Many of you reading this will live in states that have postponed the bar exam or are making contingency plans to postpone it should that become necessary. If you don’t know what’s happening with your state’s bar exam, you can obviously check your state bar’s website or this handy compilation of all deadlines from the NCBEX.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical doctor, a psychologist, a virologist, an epidemiologist, a public health official, or a fortune teller. These are all just thoughts that I’m having as of late May 2020.

Mental health

As someone who has taken the bar exam twice, I know firsthand that it is mentally stressful for just about everyone who takes it. Clearly, in any jurisdiction that has postponed the bar exam, the date change adds additional layers of mental stress.

One level is that the traditional schedule of graduating law school in May and then studying until the middle of July is upended. If you live in jurisdiction and has postponed the bar exam until September, it seems to me that it might be a good idea not to start studying until July to avoid burnout. (Unless, of course, your bar prep program is still being offered May-June.)

Although I am sure some of you out there will choose to study from May through September, such a schedule seems to me to be excessive. On the other hand, if one wanted to do low-intensity studying, such as casually reading outlines or reading sample essays without doing anything else, that could potentially be a good use of one’s time I suppose.

To me it seems the biggest stressor would be the uncertainty of the possibility that the bar exam might be postponed yet again. I would suspect that if virus infection rates spike after states “reopen” during the next months, an additional postponement could become a real possibility.

Physical health

I have been watching several evidence-based YouTube channels regarding the COVID-19 virus, and it does appear that there are several ways one can increase the likelihood you will avoid the worst symptoms of the virus.

As you may know, it does appear that the majority of people who die from this virus have underlying conditions while only a small percentage do not. (New York study; Chinese study; Video re New York study.) Therefore, if you have any of the notable underlying conditions (hypertension, obesity, and diabetes being the most common), it would be ideal to do as much as you can to get them under control and managed well. Obviously, you need to speak with your doctor about that.

In addition, there is evidence that a majority of people who suffer the most severe effects of COVID-19 are deficient in vitamin D.  Below are two videos created by a British registered nurse in which he reviews the literature indicating that vitamin D is a helpful prophylactic measure.

If this is of interest to you, you should talk to your doctor about this and perhaps even get your vitamin D levels tested. Although I live in a sunny part of the country and spend a decent amount of minutes outside every day, I’ve been supplementing my vitamin D just be on the safe side.

Taking the exam

This section is going to be mainly speculative as I do not have any insight into how the bar examination testing areas are going to be arranged for exams given during this pandemic. Moreover, I have no professional experience in virology or biosecurity.

However, based on the information that’s been coming out from various governmental sources and medical studies (California; CDC; WHO), it would seem to me that a bar exam might be able to be administered relatively safely if it was given in a well-ventilated room with non-recycled air, with everyone wearing face coverings, and each seating location was adequately spaced and sanitized thoroughly.

I’m not sure how the bar exam authorities will handle this, but it would seem to me that each test taker should be permitted to bring in hand sanitizer and sanitizing wipes in order to wipe down his or her area thoroughly before placing testing supplies (such as a computer, timer, pencils, pens, etc.) on top of the table. Assuming the materials you bring in had been previously sanitized and the area was sanitized, the main risk during the exam would be airborne transmission which should be reduced significantly by the proper use of face coverings and adequate ventilation.

In addition, the seating would have to be spaced out at least six feet per current CDC guidelines, but perhaps ten feet would be even better. As long as ventilation in the room was good to allow fresh air to continually enter the room, it seems like there would probably be limited risk of particle transmission. On the other hand, most guidelines prohibit gathering in large groups, so this could be an issue for the bar exam unless there were multiple, smaller testing locations.

But, like I said, I’m not a virologist or an epidemiologist or public health official, so my thoughts on this could be incorrect.

Where to stay during the exam?

If I were taking the bar exam under these conditions, I would do all that I could to be able to come home to my house at the end of the day and sleep there knowing that it was a safe zone. If I had to get a hotel room or other accommodation, I would make sure it was either (1) an extended-stay type hotel room with kitchen and refrigerator or (2) an AirBNB apartment near the testing site.

I would also likely rent the accommodation for an extra day and arrive early to sanitize it thoroughly. If it were a hotel room, I would direct the management and staff not to enter my room during the entire time I was staying there. I would make my own bed and clean anything I needed to clean. This way, I would not have to worry about any sort of risk of transmission while I was inside my sanitized rental space.

In addition, I would bring enough food with me from home so that I wouldn’t have to go grocery shopping or out to a restaurant. I would prepare and eat all my meals in the rented room. If the room was too distant from the testing site to return for lunch, I would bring lunch with me and find a place to eat alone.

Face coverings

Assuming face coverings would be required at the exam site, I would be sure to practice for the exam wearing one so that I would know how it would feel to wear it for hours at a time. (See my how to practice blog post here.)

For the exam itself, I would bring one face covering for each session of the exam. What I mean is, if the exam were two days long and had a morning and afternoon session each day, I would bring four masks individually packaged in plastic bags. I would wear one for the morning session and then return to my accommodation where I would remove my mask before eating lunch and relaxing. Then I would use a new mask to return for the afternoon session. Once that session was over and I returned to my accommodation at the end of the testing day, I would remove the mask. Repeat for day two. I think this is safer than reusing masks that may have been contaminated during a prior wearing session.

Conclusions

I really feel for anyone who has to take the bar exam under these conditions. Although it likely can be done with a high level of safety, it still yet another thing to worry about while studying for such an important test.

I wish you all good luck and good health.

  P.S. -- Want a FREE copy of my Bar Exam Mind audiobook?

You can get a free copy of my audiobook when you sign up for a free trial at Audible.com. Get the details by clicking here. Or, you can just get the audiobook directly from Amazon, iTunes or Audible.

[billiewilding64-blog]

Internal Revenue Service Plannings To Control Income tax Preparers

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If I was an amateur to physical fitness workout sessions, one health and fitness coach made an effort to market me his training solutions as. So as for the cold injunction to become granted there has to be actually a substantial cause of activity understandable in England and also Wales. The obligatory distribution needs to start on April 1 of the year after transforming 70 1/2. The Singapore tax regulation provides for another system of full exception yet just for brand-new business as well as just if they fulfill the following problems: to become included in Singapore; to become tax obligation locals in Singapore and to have no more than TWENTY shareholders. There are actually a lot of counted on online training institutes which give these courses through span understanding systems. When the mandatory records (Notice of association and also Articles of association) to be actually adopted are actually standard, this is the case. 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Excessive time spend on hyper prize will certainly tax your strength gain while the various other does certainly not provide you sufficient volume for muscular hyper trophy or even meaning as demanded for physical body structure. If an action or even method is required, individuals must do this, because that is a guideline or a compulsory old age has actually been increased.

[mixeddoctor]

Exhaustion is not the word...

So I have often written about how failure is completely taboo in medical school. No one talks about it although it totally happens. No one wants to say that they’re struggling. No one wants to be the “dummy” in the room. No one gets as far as we have gotten without at least a little Type A tendency. Everyone is used to doing well so when you don’t do well, you immediately question your own capabilities. 

My first year of medical school- I totally thought it would be hard but I thought I could schedule and be efficient enough to not breeze through, but stay pretty steady through it. I had no idea when I started that I would flounder through it all. That I would battle depression, deal with family issues, handle school drama, try to resolve some serious friend drama that to this day has not been resolved, confront racial and political issues in a new capacity than I had ever been used to... granted I totally didn’t flounder at everything. I mastered keeping my apartment clean, getting my laundry done efficiently, paying my bills on time, cooking and meal prepping and essentially adulting in a completely separate state. I built my own life away from my family and that was awesome. But the reality is, school is life so even the little wins didn’t really feel like wins despite the fact that if I’m honest, just surviving was a huge accomplishment (I’m the first on my mom’s side to go after a doctorate, and I’m also the first one that moved out without child or husband and not just moved out, but moved away). 

But even that whole year could not have prepared me for the summer. Throughout the spring semester, I was very aware that my classmates were planning travelling the world and doing all these exciting things because this is pretty much our last summer off ever. I knew I had to re-mediate a class so the first 2 weeks of my summer were not exactly my first 2 weeks of summer but just another continuation of my school year. After that I would pack my apartment up and move back home to Cali and spend a week there helping my dad recover from his foot surgery before I was shipped off to Air Force training in Alabama. That training would last about 6 weeks and then from there I would fly to New Jersey to visit my grandparents for a week before I moved into an apartment that I had yet to find in the DC area and from there start my first week of orientation and remediation of a second class... I was pretty much not having much of a summer... and I was somewhat dreading it and completely jealous of my classmates. I would trade almost anything to have had that summer instead of what lay before me. 

I was remediating in AZ and when remediating, you get 2 weeks to study the entire course and retake your exam. I was tired from the year but the 2nd week killed me. I had to go to a student performance committee meeting to explain why I had filed my second course. I wrote about that experience before but essentially that was an emotional day that was preceded by another emotional night- my grandmother calling me and asking me what to do medically because my grandfather was declining and declining quickly. I had never lost someone I was close to and I panicked and I hated myself for not being further in medicine for not being better in medicine... I was remediating when I could have been there... I was remediating because I wasn’t smart enough... I was remediating and I could have been there. The next 2 days were days I should have had dedicated focused study time.... I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t focus. I had no gumption. I tried to push my grandfather out of my mind, to push my meeting and my other familial situation out of my head. I talked to some friends who were also remediating on the morning of the exam and they all had heard that no one fails these exams... But I did. I remember walking out thinking that everything was going to be fine and then I got an email saying it wasn’t. My mom had driven down to help me move out and I couldn’t show her that something was wrong. I got a call from my advisor. I told her what happened. I cried. I balled. My whole life’s aspirations and dreams were right in front of me and I was watching them slip away. Who am I without medicine? I’ve failed but I’ve never had to give up my dream. What was going to happen to me???? I told her about what happened and after I got off the phone I got a text that I should call my grandfather because he was perking up when we called. I had to pack up all my things and get out of my apartment... Me and my mom worked that whole night, woke up and worked that morning and then set out on the 6 hour drive back home. I didn’t know if I could make up the exam considering my circumstances, or if I was going to get kicked out of school. We got home late but I was just glad to be home. Until the next morning...

I had made sure that I was going to be home for that Sunday because it was Father’s Day and I was moving across the country- it might be the last Father’s Day I have with my dad for awhile. I had no idea that we’d wake up to a call that my grandfather passed away. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get a chance to call. He was gone. And I just broke. I had to call my sister and tell her and I don’t think anything could have prepared me for her silence. She just was silent as I cried telling her the devastating news. We took that day to grieve, but that was it. The next day it was down to business... Funeral planning and for me, I contacted my advisor and told her because I had a meeting scheduled for that Tuesday to explain my case to the committee. I called the Air Force and asked if I could be excused from training because I could not miss my grandfather’s funeral. They allowed it and the school allowed me to remediate. So I spent the next 2 weeks studying, helping plan a funeral from 3000 miles away and helping my dad recover from his surgery. It was not easy. I didn’t sleep much. but when I flew to AZ to take the test and passed, I was relieved. I was relieved and happy but it was short lived. I left to NJ shortly afterwards for the funeral. Fast forwarding and keeping it all short... Helping plan the last minute details of the funeral, going to the wake, going to the funeral, church, helping take out his things, short trip to finalize my apartment, rearrange the house, help my grandmother with anything and everything she needed... I can’t even begin to describe how it was errand after errand, project after project... up until late into the night before I left. And if I’m super honest... I don’t know how my grandmother was doing. I dragged her with me everywhere because I wanted her to be too busy to feel. Too busy to wallow. Too busy to miss him. But nothing I could’ve done would have helped that. She wouldn’t be super overt about it, but every conversation had him in it. Everything reminded her of him. And I don’t think she exactly knew what to do with herself now that he was gone. 56 years of marriage- a lifetime of love...gone. 

I left to move into my new apartment and my brother was with me. We worked for 3 days solid to get the apartment set up. We had one day really to relax which was when I started studying for my last remediation exam. My brother played a game all day and the next day he was gone and I kept studying. On that Saturday everything caught up with me and I swear I slept 18 hours. I couldnt get myself out of my bed. Couldnt help but be dragged back into sleep. And that’s when I started to notice how tired I was. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too. I had no time to rest though. Orientation started and I still had to study. My exam was coming up after a whole week of orientation and another 2 days of another orientation. There was no way I could do the exam without having the same type of study time as I did before- I hadnt had the same amount of time to study because of all the orientations. They postponed the exam for a week, which put the exam into the 2nd day of the school year. So I took the exam and that day started on new lectures because I was already a day behind. I passed, almost cried, and just kept going. And now it’s a week and a half later and I’m still exhausted... I feel like I can never get enough sleep. It takes me forever to focus. Granted I’m much more efficient than when I was in AZ, even with the material... but I can’t help but want a break. I feel like I’ve been going and going and I don’t even know if I’ve really grieved. I realized I might not be done grieving when some things that reminded me of my grandfather almost made me cry on 2 separate occasions as I was commuting. Even writing this... I’ve stopped at least 5 times to cry. I miss him. And I wish I could be there for my grandmother. And I still wanna be a doctor. Maybe even more now. I never said thank you to him for the inspiration to be a doctor. He never got to see me change my last name to his. He never got to see me be the doctor he knew I was. I wish I could talk to him one more time. I wish I hadn’t had to remediate...and ... maybe I haven’t grieved.. or maybe this is what life is after you’ve lost someone... It’s about to be September... and I’m dying for the break in November. I’m beyond exhausted in every way, but he would have told touched my hair and me to keep going. “Go Up and Prosper”. 

Ok Pop.. Here I go.