#and I was like: “...wait a goddam minute”

[icezansky]

don’t get me wrong I love being a hater about SOME things but sometimes I wish everyone would just shut the fuck up and find some goddamn whimsy yknow?

[lastoneout]

It really is kinda awful how many job listings will just straight up lie to you about what you "need" to be able to do to screen out disabled applicants. Like fucking Safeway will be looking for a cashier and the listing is like "you ABSOLUTELY MUST be able to stand for 8+ hours a day, NO exceptions" as if you can't do everything required to run the check out line sitting down. Old Navy is like "you must be able to understand body language and facial expressions and make eye contact" like sorry dude I think autistic people can sell t-shirts just fine without doing all that, like honestly what the hell does understanding facial expressions have to do with telling someone where the clearance section is. Don't really think the customers at TJ Max are going to go full Purge mode if one employee can only perform a task requiring fine motor skills 15 times a minute instead of 30, like idk maybe you don't need the lines to move thst fast actually. Maybe everyone can chill out and wait a second. I think the people at Starbucks will be okay if the barista isn't great at multitasking and can't make small talk with every single customer while also running the drive through and making 15 different drinks.

It's such horseshit, none of these job require these things but they can just lie and say they do and disabled people will clear out because we know it's just a big neon sign saying "crippled freaks need not apply", even if that sentence is followed by some fake ass fluff about you being an equal opportunity employer. Like you would not be insisting your underpaid cashiers be able to "make eye contact and understand body language" if you cared about not discriminating against disabled people, that wording specifically is straight out of the DSM-5, what you're doing is fucking obvious and pure goddam evil.

The best part too is then you get denied for SSI benefits because you "can" work, they don't actually care that every single job listing is tailor made to tell us to fuck right off. The potential to be able to work and actually being able to be hired are too different things entirely but sure. I can work. If I find an employer that doesn't care that I'm in a wheelchair and can't make eye contact or life heavy objects or that I need to only work 4 hours a day so I still have the energy to take care of myself outside of work and also have to take 10 days a month off for doctor's appointments and unpredictable health flares. And also crucially does NOT require a fucking degree or drivers license. Find me a job like that that and I'd be overjoyed to work.

But trust me, jobs that can accommodate me simply do not fucking exist, and unfortunately for all of us that is very much by design.

[lifeonawhim]

"♡Welcome back♡"

Pairing- Barty Crouch Jr. ×slytherin! reader

Warnings- Smut, knife play if you squint, Barty is a warning in himself 🙄, slapping (not him), readers lowkey a brat (as she should), theyre fwb?

An- I suck at writing probably and suck even more at smut but deal with it, please? Love you

Also not proofread x lowkey sucks

Summary- Poor menace baby missed you :(

You sigh in annoyance as you step into the hogwarts express. Where the fuck was he? Barty had told you he'd meet you at the 9¾ platform and you'd looked for him, like a stupid child, carrying all your heavy luggage in your search for him.

After 20 minutes of freezing your ass off, you'd gained a semblance of your spine back and you ground your teeth together as you decided to board the train with your other friends.

James had decided to take your luggage off your hands, you showed your gratitude to him with a hug. He was so much nicer than fucking Barty, you thought. He invited you to sit with him and his friends and you'd accepted gladly- sneaking into the gryffindor lobby's cabin, since houses weren't usually allowed to intermingle on the train due to some brawls that could break out but usually everyone ignored that. You sat chatting with the marauders, laughing and finding pleasant company in them.

You excused yourself to use the loo, and check on your slytherin friends too. You entered the slytherin lobby, peeking discreetly inside all the cabins, the ones which didn't have the curtains drawn on the inside, hoping for a glance of him, annoyed as you were. You didn't find him, to your fucking dismay. Annoyed as hell, you turn to go back to the gryffindor lobby.

But.

A hand yanks you inside a lobby. You groan hard as you bump into a firm chest. You look up, hand grasping for your wand, to hex whoever the hell had pulled you in.

"Not so fast, sweetheart" you hear him before you see him. You push away as your heart flutters. "What the fuck, Barty?" You say, narrowed gaze at him. He has the deceny to wince a little. "Dont be like that gorgeous, I got held up" he says rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah well fuck right off" you say as you turn on your boots and start to leave when he pulls you right back from the back of your neck, his grip gentle but firm. "I'll make it up to you darling, you know I do" he says, gaze locked on you. He doesnt wait for a response. Good for him because it worked. He kissed you- hard. He slips his tongue in your mouth, hand snaking around your waist as he backed you to the berth of the cabin.

"I dont have time, I have to get back and plus that trolley lady will be here in like any time-" you mumble against his lips. "I'll make it quick. Please I'll make it good for you" barty whispers desperately and you knew he would, having done this before countless times.

He sits himself on the berth and pulls you down to straddle him. Barty's hands slide down from your hips to your thighs, his grip tightening as he positions you on him. He kisses down your neck, sucking harshly, leaving beautiful spots of purple and blue along your once smooth skin.

He pushes your skirt up and your fleece tights down, his hand fiddles with your panties before he growls and reaches into his pockets- and takes out a pocket knife and slashes your panties as you gasp. "What the FUCK?" You mutter, you'd make HIM walk without his goddam boxers in this weather too you think to yourself before going along with it. "Sorry baby, took too much time" he groans impatiently as he quickly unbuckles his own goddamn pants and his cock springs out. You cannot fcking believe how much you missed it but it mustve shown on your face because Barty chuckles "Aww baby, I missed you too" he says before he lines it with your entrance and whine escapes you as Barty tenses underneath you. "For merlin's sake, what the hell are you waiting for?" You grit out and he responds with pushing himself in.

Shit. You both groan as you feel the stretch and he feels you. He hisses and his grip on your waist tightens. "Can I move?" He whispers to you and you nod, desperately. He doesnt need more- as he thrusts into you, hard and instantly clamps a hand over your mouth. "Sorry love, didnt mean to go so rough" he says unapologetically as he continues grinding into you. You throw your head back and arch your back as you feel him pumping in and out of you.

"Fuck Barty" you whine out and he nods. "I know love, I know" he whispers against your breasts, kissing them softly as he goes harder. Your thighs tighten around his torso as you grip his shoulders. He kissed you harshly and sloppily, savouring it while he thrusts up into you hardly.

"Stop kissing me like a dog" you moan out roughly and he punishes you with a particularly harsh thrust against your cervix. "I'll kiss you how I damn want" he growls as he kisses you harder.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" he chants in a whisper as his hips rock against you in short, sharp movements. His fingers come down to your clit- and Oh. You cry out, unable to help yourself. His fingers move against you in deliberate circles and he coos at you. "Such a dumb girl now, arent you?" He says softly, mocking. He strokes your clit softly as his thrusts are the opposite- hard and grinding into you.

You hear a knock on the cabin "Dear, will you like something to eat?" The woman with trolley asks and your eyes widen as you try to get up and barty pushes you down and puts his hand on your mouth. You shake my head, frantically and he pushes the tip of his knife into your jugular. "No baby, you just sit right here, ill take care of it" he says softly and he grabs your ass with his other hand and guides you to ride him.

"Yeah no thanks mam, we're good here" he says out and you thank the gods for the cabin curtains. You hear her trolly go past and sigh in relief. "There you go, such a good girl for me. You liked that didnt you, dirty girl? I felt you baby" he says as he pushes his knife a little harder and you moan. You yank his knife away and slap him. "Dont fuck with me. Do what you're here for" You mutter harshly and he moans, pumping up harder into you. "You're mean" he gasps out as you feel his cock twitch inside of you, a vein throbbing . You grind my hips down to match his rhythm and his shoves his fingers down your mouth and keeps them there for a second before dipping down to your clit. "Come for me please, come with me" he moans out as he frantically pushes into you, desperate for his release. "Please please sweet girl, come for me" he begs against your tits and you moan softly, clenching down on him as your orgasm washes over you and he moans into your tits too as he gives another thrusts before you feel his warmth in you. He continues to ride out your orgasm together before shuddering. Your thighs shake as you get off his lap and breath heavy.

"Bloody hell, fucked me so good I almost said I love you" you whisper out to him. And he snickers loudly.

"Call me sweet girl again. Only when youre in me though, it definitely got me there" you say dryly.

Barty, his lips tugging into a lazy, satisfied smile, raises an eyebrow. "Did it now, huh?" he muses.

He reaches out to cup your chin in his hand, his thumb brushing across your skin.

"I guess I'll have to file that one away for future use then," he says with a chuckle.

"I have to go Barty" you say sighing as you fix the rest of your clothing and he nods with a smirk. "I know, run back to your little marauders." He says with a mocking tone.

You glare at him. "You ditched me, bitch" and his eyes soften as he grabs your hand. "Didn't" he says.

"Did" you retort.

He lets out an annoyed sigh. "I forgot to grab this." And he passes the knife into my hands, a beautiful pocket knife of silver and serpentine engraving in it.

"For you" he says quietly and you look at him.

You lean down and peck his lips. "Arent you the sweetest?" You say and then smile to him- genuinely. "Thank you, its beautiful" you say and he smiles, his entire face brightens up.

"Catch you later, junior" you say slyly and he winks at you before you grab some of his candy exit his cabin

[regainingparadise]

Relistening to TMA Season 5, I am again struck by how goddam badly Martin and Jon need couples counseling.

I love them both. I ship them very much. But oh lord they have issues

Like, these are two individuals who, under the very best of circumstances, would really need therapy both individually and together. They are both people with plentiful quantities of relational trauma from childhood that neither of them have worked through even the slightest bit.

And then you throw them into the apocalypse. And you add a metric fuck ton of guilt, helplessness, and the dynamics of being "The Antichrist and +1"?

On a surface level--Jon is in a perpetual state of information overload. Martin is in a perpetual state of "can you please just explain the basics of what's' going on in a given situation and not just say "it's complicated" or launch into a gruesome monologue"

But on a deeper level, their childhood relational traumas have left them each with opposing avoidant tendencies: Jon is unwilling to broach a difficult conversation, which leads him to hide information until he's confronted. Martin, on the other hand, has a finely honed ability to ignore information that he doesn't like until he no longer can hide from it.

Biggest example of their avoidance tendencies: Martin's Domain

Way early on, when we barely understand any of how the hellscape works, Jon mentions it, Martin shuts it down hard and deflects quickly with a bid for affection from Jon

Martin is in deliberate denial, but Jon admittedly wasn't particularly clear to start with.

"We all have a domain."

Jon means it, presumably, as "Me, You, and other 'Avatars.'" Jon is used to being grouped with those empowered by the Entities. Martin isn't. (see also: MAG185: Martin" Is that how these creatures see us now? As one of them?") But that's not what Jon says. And this is MAG167--they've only been through four domains, at least that we've seen. Jon is speaking from a place of knowledge, and assuming his listener has that same knowledge.

And when this issue comes up much later in MAG183, Martin has spent 17 episodes ignoring or forgetting that he has a domain, not letting that information in so that he has never processed it. (See also: Mag170: "Sometimes I wonder if I forget things on purpose. Easier not to think about them, I guess. Easier to just let them… slip away. They can’t hurt you if you don’t think about them.").

Martin confronts Jon on his avoidance (because while Martin may be good at ignoring things he doesn't like, he's far better at bringing up challenging topics), Jon is able to manage some A+ communication on his feelings and the genuine challenging of figuring out how to share upsetting information when he has All The Information, Martin accepts that. I just desperately want a therapist to be there and make them continue this conversation and practice ongoing good communication skills!

Though they resolve this, even though Jon has an explanation that makes sense...he was really leaving this conversation to the last minute. Would he have "[brought] it up at the crossroads" as he claims to Helen? Or would he have avoided it entirely, as she accuses, or waited till they were at the threshold, as he does with The Desolation and the Hunt, leaving Martin to confront terrifying situations without forewarning or planning or explanation.

Again, Jon kind of tried to bring up some of the potential issues with Basira and Daisy before entering the Hunt domain, but kept it Vague and Ominous ("Things aren't...good"). Martin took that vagueness as an opening to avoid engaging with potential bad news. The teensiest bit of therapy for either of them about their communication issues could have let Jon add "I know you're exited but FYI here are some specifics that you should know" and/or Martin go "I'm excited to see them but given that nothing is good right now, can you be more specific?"

Instead, Jon approaches difficult conversations by being Vague and Ominous, Martin gets snarky or passive-aggressive at the vagueness, upset or aggressively avoidant at the Ominousness, Jon closes back up like a turtle into his shell, and the conversation only comes back up when the situation has drastically escalated, leaving them both more upset.

Jon wants Martin to trust him, because explaining what he knows implicitly is an ordeal for him, and because his upbringing by his grandmother has suggested that communicating is generally unwanted and burdensome (See: MAG081 A Guest for Mr. Spider).

Martin wants to know what is going on, because he's in an awful hellscape of shifting rules about what can and cannot hurt them, completely dependent on a brand-new romantic partner for his survival and purpose, and also because his upbringing and coping mechanisms as a caretaker rely on him knowing enough to help, and his time as an archival assistant has given him some not-inconsiderable trauma about being left in the dark (See: MAG118 The Masquerade) (There's also another post in my head about how MAG118 primed Martin for both the Lonely and his development as a more confrontational character in S5)

All that to say.

Martin needs therapy to deal with the way he chooses not to absorb information he doesn't like. Jon needs therapy to understand that sometimes it's ok to bring up important topics even if the other person will be upset. They both need therapy to cope with all the guilt and helplessness around the apocalypse so they stop taking it out on each other. They need therapy together to learn how to work through their conflicting coping mechanisms.

[emotionally-damaged-carrot]

Ok so basically charles meets reader in f2 for the first time and instantly knows he wants him as his, and he plans and plans where he's super subtle about it, mentioning how good of an Engineer reader is at certain times infront of sponsers and such and by the time reader gets to f1 charles who has already been in f1 for 2 years has basically made it seem like reader has no other choice but to come to ferrari with him but what charles doesn't know it that male reader felt the sameway that day and has been doing his own planning and stalking far more discreetly then charles.

Basically male reader amd charles meet in f2 are instantly infatuated with each other and plan to have themwith each other even if it takes years, it does as reader is not promoted until charles suggests getting a new engineer off of f2 at ferrari so as to have a fresh pair of eyes to see what they can make better and yeah charles and reader basically orchestrating everthing in the others life so that eventually they end up with the other but nethier knows the other is doing so.

Hope you understand what im tryin' to ask, if you meed a reference some of @/uglyducklingofthe2000s works are good examples aswell as @/pucksandpower who has some good stories to read though all their writing is fem reader only and thats not ehat i'm looking for.

–🍑

Charles Leclerc x Male Reader

Birds of a feather

I gotchu, homie, I like it, I might do a part two or just a short continuation cause goddam I want smut in this. It's quite long, I couldn't fit some parts of the request, sorryyy 😓😓 I'll try doing better.

No Warning.

I tried it and this is my first time making this type of thing. I hope I somewhat did op justice?

Requests are open

The first glance was enough to make me shiver, my gaze looking for him, pushing past people to witness that beauty again. My mind cannot be calmed as my heart beats fast, excited to see him again, my beloved.

——

I walked around looking for my tools, as I scratched my chin that now has black stuff from my hands. I groaned as I sat down, not being able to find the spanner I needed.

"You looked like you needed this."

I looked up at the voice, seeing a face that can only be described as perfect. He looked down at me with soft eyes as his hand holding out the spanner I needed.

"Thank you."

I paused for a bit, waiting for him to say his name.

"Charles."

He spoke again with a smile and accent that made me shiver, my hand shakily took the spanner. He nodded at me still with that smile and walked away, those dimples, those eyes, that hair, that skin, that face. I need him, I need him, you will be mine, my beloved.

——

A few months pass and we see each other, waving greetings and goodbyes. Every time my eyes linger on him just for a moment longer.

"Hey."

He said as he stood above me while I sat in his car, testing everything.

"Hi."

I stood up to get off the car.

"Did you eat lunch yet?"

"I'm about to, just a few tweaks in this car and I'll go, why?"

"Just thought we'd have lunch together?"

"Why not."

I smiled at him, Charles, my Charles, my beloved.

After a few minutes, we were on our way to this small restaurant, that according to Charles was great.

"What do they serve?"

I asked him as we walked.

"Mostly spanish, but they have other stuff too."

We looked at each other, in the brief moment I analyzed his face. Committing to memory every detail, every centimeter of his face was perfect. The way his soft eyes look so innocent, I need him, and I won't stop until I do.

——

"By the way, how did you know I needed a spanner?"

He asked me as we waited for our food.

"Spanner?"

"Months ago, I was looking for it and you gave it to me. How did you know?"

"Gut feeling."

I recalled how I stared at him working, his muscles flexing and him getting dirty and sweaty. Complimenting his already perfect skin, glistening a soft glow, I couldn't take my eyes off such perfection. His shirt would slightly go up, revealing some skin that I can't wait to touch, to stain, to kiss, to worship. I can't wait until he's mine, and mine alone, mine, my beloved.

"You okay?"

He snapped me out of my thoughts.

"You looked spaced out, everything good?"

He asked me, my beloved Y/n asked me if I was okay, if I was good.

"Of course."

"Just checking, cause our food arrived some moments ago."

"It's okay, I'm okay, let's eat."

I smiled at him as I took my utensils and began to eat.

——

He looks cute while he eats, his hands are perfect, long slender fingers, the veins prominent. I want to hold it, I want to feel him, my thumb caressing the back of his hand, tracing the veins. I want to hold him, I want him, I need him, I want to feel his warmth while we lay in bed, cuddling as we are only covered by the blanket, his fingers drawing shapes on my back as I bury my face in his neck. Kissing and sucking, leaving my marks on him, to tell the world that he is taken, and he is mine and mine alone.

I hear a small chuckle as I get pulled away from my thoughts, that fucking sound, he does things to me I wish he knew.

"You okay? You spaced out."

He smiled at him.

"Just thinking about stuff."

I smiled back and continued eating.

"You sure?"

He's worried? No, no, my beloved, I'm okay, everything is okay especially when you're near.

"Absolutely."

——

"You should join ferrari."

I tried to convince him as we sat in a café.

"Why?"

"It's the best team, and the other teams are already packed with engineers. And plus, you will be my engineer, you can work on my car like old times."

I worriedly smiled.

"I think McLaren is looking for an engineer and I fit the job requirements perfectly and-"

"Ferrari is the best team, and it will remain the best for as long as you are there."

I cut him off, sounding a bit desperate.

"It's the best choice for you, Y/n, come to ferrari and you will have a great resume and work life."

I said sadly.

"Okay."

"You are an emotional manipulator, you know that?"

Closer to you, my beloved, my Y/n, my darling, my baby, my love. You are mine and I am not letting you go, I will be here for you, because I am the only choice you have. I will make sure of that.

——

Weeks pass and I am in the ferrari garage at the first race, making sure everything is okay. I sat in Charles' seat to make sure it was comfortable and that everything was set.

"You're all good, Charles."

I said to him as he was also preparing to get in the car.

"Thanks."

He said as he put on his helmet and got in the car.

"If you don't win p1 I will disassemble your car."

I told him as I kissed his helmet and stepped back.

——

"P fucking 1, Charlie, P fucking 1. Good job, you did great, you did amazing."

I said thru the radio as he crossed the chequered flag. He immediately stood up on his car as he parked in the P1 position, put his hands up and climbed down where he was immediately surrounded by the team who hugged and congratulated him.

He glanced at me as he stood on the podium, holding up his trophy. After the anthem was played he sprayed everyone on the podium with champagne as well as us below the podium. Managing to get me very wet as he poured the rest on me.

"PISS OFF."

I yelled at him as I smiled. He just smirked at me. That fucking mouth, I want to kiss him.

A few moments later he got down from the podium and took a picture with the team. I could probably be seen in the picture looking at him. The interviewers flooded him, asking him about his win, and he often said my name. After the that I walked off, going to the garage and past the driver's rooms. Finding a cozy and quiet spot and sitting on the floor, pulling out my phone. I see Carlos and he greets me and makes small conversation, thanking me for my work. It didn't mean anything, if it's not from my Charles, why should I care?

I scrolled through my phone, curiousity gets the best of me and I open instagram and search his name. I scroll through his profile focusing on pictures of him and with him. Admiring him, admiring how perfect he is, I see some shirtless pictures of him, it does things to me. I took a quick look around to make sure I was alone, and my hand slowly travelled down my body, imagining it was his, softly feeling around, before it could go to my pants, he walked in.

"What you doing there?"

He smirked at me as I panicked and dropped my phone, I quickly picked it up.

"You scared the shit out of me."

"I did? I guess I did, what are you doing here?"

He asked as he walked closer.

"What are you really doing here, Y/n?"

He crossed him arms, looking down at me.

"Minding my own business."

"Really?"

He squatted down, we were now face to face and he still had that fucking smirk.

"I know what you're doing, Y/n, sitting in my seat to rub off your smell, making me familiar to it, making me somewhat miss it."

He whispered as his face came closer.

"I know what you're doing."

"What?"

"Your mine, Y/n, and mine alone."

He held my jaw.

"You got that? Do you understand?"

I saw something in his eyes, I see it too when I look in the mirror when I think or see him. Those eyes that scream possessiveness and lust, greed and selfishness. We are the same, and we want the same.

My arms slithered around his neck, pulling him closer, we both smiled as we stared into each other's eyes. Full of love and lust, and hatred, hatred for those who got too close to each other. Those who thought they had a chance between us, those who thought we could love them back. The audacity to even think of doing that, is sickening, it fills me with contempt, because he's mine, and I'm his, we were meant for each other and nothing can stand between us. I leaned for a kiss, but before our lips met into a blissful kiss, I whispered something.

"And you're mine."

.

[vintagelacerosette]

Tag game

*peeks from under a rock*

Hi there! It's been awhile & I've missed you all 🫶🏼 Sorry for the absence but I'm back! Hope to stick with it haha

I was tagged by the always incredible & sweetest sweetheart Evie @energievie

Name: Mayn (lol I forgot changed that so spelling fit how it's pronounced)

Age you are mentally: Early 20s

Top 3 fics that came out last year (that you can remember at this point lol):

i'm not the way i was by @sam-loves-seb this is a goddam BEAUTIFUL season 6 Rewrite!! I am living for this fic! Just an astounding & excited for more 🥰

It's from Jen's @wehangout Fast & Furious series! The additional part 2 & 3 came out last year & made me wanna melt!!! These two are freaking edging & teasing me!!! 🥵Bravo Jen! 👏

Headphones Encouraged by Ray @whatthebodygraspsnot an absolute fucking delight & so fun! 😆

Add in any authors who you read all of their things: It's gotta be Jane @captainjowl Jaclyn @crossmydna Kay @goodkwuestion Ling @lingy910y

Fave artist/band/singer/group you discovered last year (has to be new to you, not new): Gotta be Chappell Roan. I wanted her to be my top artist on spotify & get Good Luck, Babe to 1 billion before 2025. We did it besties 🙌🏻

One thing you learnt last year that you’re taking into 2025: Taking your time to figure it out is ok

Was it a good year or bad year? Pretty good at the beginning last my steam at the end tbh

Is there anything superstitious you do to try and continue that vibe or absolutely change it? I was doing manifesting rituals on New moons which was fun but I didn't keep going lol. It was like finger painting with images I was manifesting. It was quiet fun

Fave WIP you're following into this year:

Gotta be

let the bodies do the talkin' by Captain_Jowl

i'm not the way i was by sam_writes_fic

The Blackwing Prophecy by CrossmyDNA

Are you doing any January ‘get healthy’ things? I want to incorporate more body stretching throughout my days like full body stretches, wrist stretching bc I'm working on computers at work & eye stretches to help with strain.

More random questions~~ Did you consider yourself an avid reader before you found fanfic? I really did not! I loved watching TV over reading any day when I was younger! It felt like such a chore especially with my mum basically pushing it on to me so wasn't fun.

But then the TV shows finished & I wanted more! I think my sister introduced me to fanfic.net lol. Unlocked a reading monster! Wasn't until high school when my fave English teacher was like you must read a lot & I was like nah oh wait a minute?!

Do you read books as well as fanfic? Yes or No: fanfic or die

What are you doing to survive this January so far? I am currently on holidays YAAAY 🎉 I went to Korea for the first time & I LOVED ITTT!!! I need to go back asap!! Definitely a money hole ahaha! Now I'm also in Philippines with my fam 🥰

Also if you wanna go under the cut it's a pic of me in a hanbok!

Sooo I'm pretty late just gonna tag some friends that I'm sending hugs & well wished your way 🥰

@lingy910y @look-i-love-u @samantitheos @deedala @michellemisfit @suzy-queued @heymrspatel @burninface @heymrspatel @heymacy @sleepyfacetoughguy @deathclassic @kiennilove @creepkinginc @guinguin1984 @iansw0rld @mybrainismelted @gallapiech @doshiart @ian-galagher @sickness-health-all-that-shit @jrooc @gallawitchxx @gallapiech @andthatisnotfake @kiinard @sweetbee78 @spookygingerr @femboymilkovich @rereadanon @takeyourpillsbitchh @callivich

[oldmannapping]

Ficlet: Bodyswap (Dick-Jason and Tim-Steph)

Based on my own prompt, which wouldn't leave my brain.

This is a body-swap fic with only the awkwardness. None of the bonding. Just the weird uncomfortable parts. Okay maybe a little of the bonding.

Excerpt:

Across the Cave, a furious voice echoed off stalagmites and startled several bats.

“Why are you so HORNY ALL THE TIME?!”

An indignant, and equally-bat-startling voice immediately responded.

“Why AREN’T you?!”

It seems there was an impasse.

It’s a tale as old as time. Batfamily meets warlock, warlock fumbles a spell, warlock disappears in a cloud of smoke, Batfamily realises they’re body-swapped…

You know. That old classic.

WARNINGS: Mentions of menstruation, mentions of sex drives and sexuality, swearing

Across the Cave, a furious voice echoed off stalagmites and startled several bats.

“Why are you so HORNY ALL THE TIME?!”

An indignant, and equally-bat-startling voice immediately responded.

“Why AREN’T you?!”

It seems there was an impasse.

It’s a tale as old as time. Batfamily meets warlock, warlock fumbles a spell, warlock disappears in a cloud of smoke, Batfamily realises they’re body-swapped…

You know. That old classic.

Dick and Jason were glaring at each other. Themselves. Each other, in each other’s bodies. You've got it, it's not your first rodeo right?

It’s been three days since the unfortunate warlock incident. As well as Jason and Dick, Tim and Stephanie have also been body-swapped in a move that seemed particularly designed by the spell/universe to cause maximum rage to Steph and mortification to Tim.

Jason and Dick have refused to allow the team to be locked down because Fuck Off, You Can’t Tell Me What To Do (Jason) and Bruce For The Good Of The Team We Need Some Space Because If We Murder Each Other It Will Be Bad For Morale (Dick).

Bruce might have held out for longer but Alfred’s visiting family in England and without his arched brow of British judgement, Bruce tends to let his children pick whichever course of action seems like it will cause the least about of hassle to Bruce’s personal routine.

He didn’t love them in the Cave 24/7 either. He’s had to ship Cass and Damian off to one of his nicer safehouses because having to manage four moody, hormonal, body-swapped vigilantes was hard enough without the mental load of school pickups and packed lunches. He misses Alfred. He’s hiding in his office at the moment, getting more Wayne Enterprises work done than he has in years.

Jason and Dick, and Tim and Stephanie, have spent three days in each other’s bodies, absolutely not patrolling or going anywhere that they’re likely to be recognised, but exercising and getting coffee and generally behaving like prisoners on day release. Zatanna has assured them that these sorts of spells usually fizzle out after less than a month, so it’s just a waiting game.

Apparently, they are bored. Apparently, they’re getting on each other’s nerves again.

Jason, in Dick’s body, has just raked his hands through his hair and pulled it nearly hard enough to rip it out.

“Why are you so HORNY ALL THE TIME!?” he has bellowed.

Dick’s reaction is to pull Jason’s body to its full height in indignation. “Why AREN’T you?” he shouts back.

Jason is at the end of his rope. “Everyone you see!” he says, pointing a finger at Dick. “I was just going for a fucking RUN. I just wanted some exercise, because this fucking body can’t go three minutes without goddam MOVING. And it just wouldn’t SHUT UP.”

He’s so mad. He continues: “This fucking body checks out EVERYONE. You’re constantly just sizing people up and thinking about boning them. ALL THE FUCKING TIME.”

Dick is also mad. “That’s not true!” he rebuts. “I notice people! We’re trained to be observant! Yeah, one of the things I notice about them is attraction. That’s NORMAL. That’s what people DO. At least I’m not thinking about the best ways I could incapacitate some poor 15-year-old barista.”

Jason flares Dick’s nostrils. “I do NOT think about hurting kids.”

Dick scoffs. “No, you think about hurting EVERYONE. Everyone you see is a threat. How could I take this person down? Am I stronger than this person? Is that lady hiding a gun in that baby stroller? All day long! You think that’s normal? You think that’s better than noticing if someone’s attractive?”

“It’s more fucking useful, especially in our line of work. You think you’ll ever save the day with a heroic boner?”

“Oh my god stop talking about it!”

“I wish I could stop THINKING about it! I had to SHOWER in this goddam body. Do you know how hard it is to ignore someone else’s boner in your shower? I nearly punched myself in the dick, pun fucking intended.”

Dick makes Jason’s teeth grind. “Do NOT break my penis.”

Jason points at Dick again like he’s a giant disobedient dog. “I will get your FUCKING nipples pierced if this body has one more hard on. I’m not fucking around.”

Dick flails Jason’s huge arms. His fluid, lithe movements look very out of place on a muscle-bound heavyweight. Almost campy. “I have literally ZERO control over that right now. You realise that right? You realise you sound ridiculous.”

“You’re the one who conditioned your body to be like this. Make it stop!”

“I don’t know if you forgot about this part of puberty or if you were just too busy being angry and emo and FARTING to notice, but boners are a fact of life, suck it up.”

“Firstly, some of us actually eat vegetables - YOU need more fibre in your diet, Grayson, don’t get me started on that – and secondly, sorry I didn’t condition myself to repress freakish amounts of lust. I must have been too busy DYING and being RESURRECTED and BRAINWASHED BY THE LEAGUE OF ASSASSINS.”

“Oh my god WE GET IT, YOU DIED. You cannot use that to win every argument. Stop being so angry in my body, I can feel how gross and grouchy yours is all the time and I don’t want you infecting mine.”

“That’s funny, since I’m probably keeping your body the cleanest it’s been since you were fifteen, you horny maniac.”

“There’s a difference between feeling attraction and acting on it! It’s NORMAL to notice people in a sexual way! Don’t shame me!”

“Stop saying ‘attraction’, this is not attraction, this is Ivy-level mind-fogging crotch-throbbing run-ruining-“

“Just because all YOU think about is violence and murder, don’t get mad at me for having a sex drive!”

“I’m not mad at you for having a sex drive! I’m mad at you for making ME have your sex drive!”

“I didn’t cast this spell!”

“I know!”

“There’s nothing wrong with being sexual and expressing it with whoever I want, as long as they’re consenting!”

“I know! I support you! I couldn’t give a fuck who you bone and I don’t want to think about it, but I support it!”

“Good!”

“Good!”

Steph and Tim are standing a few feet away, watching hypnotically. Steph uses Tim’s bony elbow to nudge him in her ribs. She whispers something to him and he snorts a laugh, then freezes.

“Um,” he says in Steph’s voice, expression tight. “I think you might need to teach me how to use a tampon. Or, uh. Sanitary pad. Whichever you’re most comfortable with. Or. Um. Maybe your body just peed? Many women develop incontinence after childbirth, so it’s fine, I just. Uh. I just want to know what I’m dealing with here.”

Steph gapes at him. “Jesus fucking Christ.” She grabs her phone and swears when the fingerprint ID doesn’t work. Jabbing in her PIN, she swipes to her period tracker app. “Fuck. Un-fucking-believable.”

Ten minutes later, Steph and Tim emerge from the Cave’s bathrooms with grim expressions, not meeting each other’s eyes.

Tim, valiantly trying to remain scientific, offers, “I didn’t know it smelled different than normal blood.”

Steph digs Tim’s nails into his palms. “Stop talking.”

Tim cannot stop talking. “I just mean. I’ve been around a lot of blood, but never, you know. That kind of blood. And I never thought about how, in its basic composition, it’s not just blood, it’s also endometrial cells and cervical lining so of course it would be different.”

“Stop. Talking.”

Tim is a nervous talker. “And also, good idea on using the gloves and applicator. That way I didn’t have to touch any, um, you know, touch your, touch you when I was doing the. Yeah. Not that it would be gross or bad to touch you, I mean. You’re very. Great. And women are. So brave. Every month. But it’s just. You know. It’s not. I mean you consented, but in this situation, is it really consent, since this whole thing is kind of coercive, since you don’t REALLY have control over your-“

“SHUT UP!”

Dick and Jason raise their heads like meerkats from where they’ve ended up facing off with their phones, stubbornly shout-reading each other google search results for “normal male sex drive” and “how do I know if I’m asexual”.

“Everything okay over there?” asks Dick, Jason’s deeper voice carrying easily across the Cave.

“Fine!” say Steph and Tim in tandem.

“Totally natural and normal!” adds Tim helpfully. “We’re totally comfortable. We’re blossoming. We’re very healthy.”

Steph groans. “I cannot believe I used to date you.”

Part Two

[emilyprentissluvr]

Until Next Time (Don't Blame Me: Chapter 3)

Summary: Emily knew it was wrong. She knew you were the most dangerous woman the BAU had ever seen. Yet, she couldn't seem to stay away from you.

Warnings: Typical Criminal Minds stuff

Words: 2.9k

EMILY PULLED Y/n closer so that her back was flushed to the agent's front. "You're bluffing," Emily scoffed as she eyed the woman. She knew from Y/n's profile that she didn't kill people whom she deemed innocent. So there was no way she would blow up a bar full of a hundred people.

"Are you really willing to take that risk?" Y/n smiled sweetly and it took the brunette less than a second to lead Y/n out of the bathroom and pull the fire alarm.

The alarm started blaring and people started making their way out of the bar. Emily looked at the detonator again and saw it was now at a minute. She didn't like how slowly the crowd was moving so she yelled at the top of her lungs, "Everybody out! It's a real fire!" And luckily, people started moving much faster.

"What's going on?" Derek said as he ran toward the women, ignoring Y/n's smug smile and focusing on Emily. He'd had his eye trained on the bathroom door, waiting for them to come out. 

"She said there's a bomb," Emily said as she kept her eyes on the crowd, wanting to ensure everyone got out. 

"Where?" Derek said as he eyed Y/n, who just shrugged playfully.

"I don't know and I don't think we have time to find out," Emily said as she showed Derek the detonator which was now counting down from 45 seconds. 

"Get her out of here and I'll make sure everyone else is out," Derek stated leaving no room for argument. 

Emily nodded and pulled Y/n out to a less crowded exit. "You know, as much fun as this is, could you loosen your grip a bit?" Y/n pouted over her shoulder at the brunette.

Emily scoffed as she walked the two of them further away from the building. She saw Hotch and JJ driving toward them in their SUV before quickly hopping out and jogging towards the women. 

"Mm, the blonde is pretty," Y/n noted and Emily just gritted her teeth. 

"What? Did I hit a nerve?" Y/n teased and the brunette ignored her as she walked them toward the unit chief.

"What happened?" Hotch asked as he pulled out his cuffs and handed them to Emily.

"She said she put a bomb in there," Emily said as she quickly cuffed Y/n's hands behind her back.  "Derek's getting everyone out but I'm pretty sure she's bluffing," The brunette continued as she tightened the handcuffs even more. 

"She is right here," Y/n said, causing everyone to turn toward her. "And she would appreciate it if you loosened the cuffs a bit." Y/n continued as she wiggled her hands from behind her.

"Can you focus on something other than yourself for two goddam seconds and tell us if the bomb is real or not?!" Emily growled, her patience for Y/n's antics dwindling more and more.

"That's kind of a lot to ask of a psychopath, don't you think?" Y/n pouted as she turned her head over her shoulder to look at the brunette. "That's what you guys profiled me as, right? A high-functioning psychopath?"

"You won't be so high functioning when you spend the rest of your life in prison." Emily retorted which only earned a laugh from the younger woman, "We'll see about that."

"Prentiss," Hotch interrupted, not liking how much Emily was getting riled up. "The detonator." He said as he held out his hand for the agent to give to him. Emily begrudgingly gave it to the man and watched as his eyebrows rose slightly.

"What is it?" JJ asked as she leaned closer, trying to see whatever Hotch had discovered.

"Well, she is bluffing," Hotch said as he turned the device around and showed that the timer had already run out and nothing had happened, "And this isn't a detonator, It's a remote control for a toy car. Jack has one of these things." The unit chief pointed out quietly, not wanting to make Emily even more mad.

"You're kidding me?!" Emily scoffed as she turned to face Y/n who had the biggest smile on her face, "What? I bought it from the toy store before I came. Like I said before, it's fun to rile you up." 

"You think this is funny?! " Emily said lividly, hating how Y/n was getting under her skin. 

"No, of course not. I think it's hilarious," Y/n said licking her lips.

"We're done here," Hotch said calmly, already sensing how Emily was on the verge of blowing up. "Take her to the SUV." The unit chief continued and Emily nodded, not having to be told twice. She practically dragged Y/n the ten feet of the car before throwing open the door. 

"This was fun, darling! Next time we'll have to use handcuffs in a different context if you know what I mean." Y/n said brashly with a wink as Emily forced her into the car and connected the cuffs to the seat.

"There will be no next time." Emily gritted out and Y/n smiled innocently, "We'll see about that, Agent Prentiss."

The brunette slammed the door shut and walked toward JJ and Hotch, not wanting to spend another second in the younger woman's company. 

"You okay?" Hotch asked and Emily blew out a breath, "Yeah, she's just- a lot."

"Well, at least it's over now," JJ said as she gave her friend a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Emily nodded as she turned to look at Y/n who was still looking at her with a smile on her face. Something felt wrong but Emily couldn't put her finger on it. 

"Yeah, you're right," Emily said, shaking the worries out of her mind, "I'm not riding back with her though." She said seriously to her boss.

"Don't worry, I'll make Derek do it." The unit chief said and Emily sighed with relief. She was done with Y/n. She could forget all about today. Well, maybe not forget about it, but at least compartmentalize it until it wasn't a big deal.

●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●

"Would you like to play a game, Agent Morgan?" Y/n asked as she stared at the bald man next to her. One of the local Police officers was driving but Derek had insisted on sitting in the back seat next to the woman, not wanting to take his eyes off of her for a second. 

"No," Derek replied shortly, trying to ignore the headache that had been blooming in his temple since leaving the bar.

Y/n sighed dramatically, "Oh come on, It'll be fun!"

"No," Derek said again and the woman just shook her head, "Twenty questions. You ask me whatever you want and I'll answer with the complete truth."

"Really?" Derek asked and Y/n nodded her head, "As long as you answer my questions. No lying."

Derek thought the idea over. Realistically he knew there was no harm, in fact, he could probably get more answers out of Y/n right now than in an interrogation room. "Fine. But I'm asking a question first," Derek said and Y/n nodded with a smile, happy that the agent was playing along. 

"What's your full name?" Derek asked and Y/n sighed boredly, "Y/n Y/l/n. Although I guarantee  you won't get far with it."

"What does that mean-"

"Ah ah. Mine turn." Y/n tutted, "Is there anything going on between Emily and the blonde?" 

Derek blinked slowly, "That's seriously the question you're asking me?"

"Yes," Y/n said as she eyed the man with a frown. Derek rolled his eyes but answered honestly, "No. Nothing is going on between Emily and JJ."

A smile touched Y/n's lips that Derek didn't like the looks of but he decided to ignore it for now. 

"What was the name of your first victim?" The agent asked. Four years ago when he first worked the case the team knew that the first victim they found couldn't have been Y/n's first victim. The crime scene was organized and perfectly executed so it was obvious that Y/n worked up to it. 

"Alex Painter" Y/n answered and to an untrained eye, it looked as if the woman wasn't bothered. But Derek could see through her, could see the way Y/n's eyes narrowed slightly and how she bit the inside of her cheek. The agent wanted to ask more but he could tell that Y/n wasn't going to answer. 

"My turn! What's Emily's favorite flower?" Y/n said, seemingly snapping out of whatever funk she was put in by the question.

 Derek paused for a moment his stomach feeling uneasy. However, he couldn't tell if it was because all the questions were focused on Emily or because his headache was starting to make him feel nauseous. 

"Chrysanthemum's." He said, remembering when Emily pointed them out to him on a case one time.

"You choose to shoot your victims in the head, why?" Derek asked, turning the conversation back to Y/n. This had been a question Rossi brought up this morning. The use of a gun made the kills seem impersonal but the brand of the angel wings did the complete opposite. 

"It's efficient and fast. I don't see a point in prolonging the inevitable. The men I kill deserved what they had coming to them." She said, her voice void of any emotion and it almost sent a shiver down the agent's spine.  

"My turn again! What's Emily's favorite food?" Y/n asked, her emotions suddenly flipping back on.

"Why do you want to know that?" Derek asked and Y/n frowned, "Answer my question or I'm done talking."

The agent sighed, he knew Y/n wasn't bluffing so he answered cautiously, "She loves Thai food."

Y/n smiled as her tongue darted out to wet her bottom lip, "Interesting," The woman said and Derek immediately wanted to change the topic, "Why did you move back to the States?" He asked and Y/n sighed, "It was for work. I wasn't too keen on the idea of moving back but I can't deny how much fun I'm having."

"Fun you've had," Derek corrected, blinking slowly as his vision became fuzzy. 

"Sure," Y/n laughed hysterically as she fell over and Derek had no idea what was going on. His mind felt so slow as he tried to comprehend the scene in front of him. His words weren't meant to be funny so he was extremely confused as he watched the woman practically fold over with laughter.

That was until he looked down and noticed the cuffs were no longer secured around Y/n's wrist. Before he had time to react Y/n had quickly pulled the gun from his ankle holster and shot the cop driving the car in the hand.

The cop screamed in pain as his hands came off the steering wheel, causing the car to swerve into a ditch on the side of the road. Luckily they were only going about 25 miles per hour so when they hit a tree Derek and Y/n barely lurched forward. Derek, uncharacteristically, had been frozen since the moment he heard the gunshot. His head was pounding and his eyes were unfocused as he stared at the woman in front of him.

"I really am sorry about this, Derek." Y/n sighed as she toyed with the gun in her hand. The agent tried to reach toward her but the haze in his eyes was getting worse. "What....did.....you....d-do?" Derek muttered.

"Nothing a bandaid won't fix. And trust me, women find scars very sexy." Y/n said, and before Derek even had time to react he felt the gun slam right into his temple. The last thing he remembered was trying to reach out for Y/n as she climbed out of the car before his vision went black.

●・○・●・○・●・○・●・○・●

Emily's breath fogged the window as stared into the night from the back seat of the SUV. She had the urge to trace her bottom lip, the same ones Y/n had kissed less than an hour ago, but she didn't let herself. She hated how that moment kept replaying in her mind. Hated how she had enjoyed it, even if it was for a sliver of a second.

"You okay back there, Em?" JJ asked as she turned around from the passenger seat. The blonde had been worried about her friend since she sat in the car. 

"Yeah, just tired," Emily said with a small smile that even she knew was unconvincing. Although her words were the truth, she had never been tempted to drown a bottle of wine and crash right into bed.

"Why don't you take the day off tomorrow," Hotch suggested from the driver's seat.

"I'm fine." Emily rolled her eyes, not liking the attention on her.

"Prentiss that wasn't a request-" Hotch started before he was interrupted by the police intercom on the dashboard of the SUV.

"I need backup and medical on 24th Street immediately! We have an agent down and the suspect is on the run! I repeat the suspect is on the run!" A scratchy voice from the device called out.

Emily's eyes widened as she heard the dispatcher repeat it all over again. 

"Oh my god. You don't think that's..." JJ trailed off, already knowing the answer.

Hotch immediately turned his sirens on and hit the gas. Luckily they were only a minute away but the drive felt like hours before they saw the car off the side of the road.

Emily got out of the car before Hotch could even put it in park, and raced to the site of the crash. She saw that the paramedics leading the cop with the shot hand to the ambulance but no sign of Y/n.  She looked behind the car and into the miles of woods that Y/n could be in. Her first instinct was to run in there and find her until she heard a grunt of pain from the car. Her eyes widened when she realized she recognized that sound very well. 

"Derek?!" Emily yelled as she ran closer and was relieved to find him sitting in the car with an icepack on his forehead. The paramedics had tried to get him to the ambulance but he had refused until he could tell the team exactly what happened. 

"Jesus Prentiss, lower your voice." He winced and the brunette immediately apologized but was glad to see that he was still pretty much the same. 

"What happened?" Hotch asked as he walked up from behind Emily.

"She was asking me a bunch of questions and then all of a sudden my vision started going blurry. Next thing I know she's shooting Detective Watson in the hand and I'm getting knocked out with my own Glock." Derek says, still evidently out of it in a way that concerns all three agents who are listening to him.

"You need to get checked out by the medics," Hotch said immediately and Derek shook his head, which only made the pain worse, "Hotch, I'm fine-"

"Derek you were obviously drugged. So you will get checked by the medics. I'm not negotiating." Hotch, said before he yelled for the medics. Two men immediately rushed over to Derek's annoyance but he was more at least he was more cooperative. Hotch immediately went into Unit Chief mode and took control of the scene. He had Emily and JJ look over the car for details while he got in touch with the Bureau about putting out an APB for Y/n.

Emily walked to the opposite side of the car. The door was still open from when Y/n had escaped and the cuffs were opened and on the ground. The brunette shook her head as she imagined the smug look on Y/n's face the last time she had seen her, "I should have seen this coming."

"This isn't your fault," JJ said slowly, slightly confused as to why the brunette was taking this so hard.

"I knew something was wrong but I didn't say anything. Maybe if I had, Derek wouldn't have gotten hurt and Y/n wouldn't have gotten away-" Emily started before the blonde cut her off, "No one could have predicted this. Not even you."

Emily bit the inside of her cheek as she turned to look at the forest behind her. The breeze was making the limbs of the tree sway and it felt as if the unknown was taunting her. "She's been two steps ahead of us this whole time," The brunette said as she turned back to JJ. "And we just let her get away."

"Emily-" JJ started but the brunette was already walking away, not wanting to look at the car or the empty handcuffs for another second. She walked toward Derek who was fighting with the medics. "I don't need to go to the hospital!" Derek grumbled as the paramedic walked away with an annoyed look on his face. When Emily was close she shot the paramedic an apologetic look before taking a seat next to her partner. 

"Do they know what she drugged you with?" The brunette asked and Derek shook his head, "They won't know without further testing but they said it didn't seem too serious. My only concern is that I don't even know when she did it. Or how."

"That does seem to be the question of the day. How the hell did she pull all of that off?" Emily muttered and Derek shrugged, "I don't know, but I did get some information out of her."

"Anything useful?"

"Yeah, well more concerning than anything."

"What does that mean?" Emily asked with a frown.

"It means that not only do we have a serial killer on the loose. But we have one that's obsessed with you, Prentiss." Derek said sympathetically and Emily just stared straight forward into the woods, imagining Y/n leaning against one of the trees and giving her a cocky wink.

"Lovely," Emily muttered. 

[not-magdi]

Face Masks

Summary: Pablo discovering the wonderful world of face masks

Pairing: Pablo Gavi x fem!reader

Warnings: none just pure fluff

Words: 534

Skincare was extremely important to you. You enjoyed having a nightly routine, which helped you stay calm and sane despite your hectic life with your boyfriend, Pablo Gavi.

You have your serums and your creams all nicely lined up on the bathroom shelf. All organized by colours and sizes, it's your little happy place.

Pablo didn't understand it at first, not getting behind the idea of standing an hour in the bathroom, smearing different things on your face. But after you explained their importance to you, he accepted it. He still doesn't understand it but learns to live with it.

You're currently standing in your holy bathroom, applying a face mask to your face, as you feel two hands snake around your waist.

"When are you coming to bed amor.?"

"Soon, I'm almost done."

Dipping his finger in the container, he plays with the mask and draws a disgusted face.

"And you put that on your face because you want to?"

You chuckle and nod your head, finishing applying it to your face. Then, an idea sparked in your mind.

"Hey, can I apply some to your face?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Come on, pleaseeeeee?"

You try to give him your best puppy-dog eyes, and not surprising you at all, it takes exactly one minute for him to budge.

"Fineee, but my face better be as soft as a baby's butt after this"

You celebrate your success for a second before you beckon him to sit on the counter before you. Finding the most stupid headband you own, you put it in his head.

Taking a step back, you admire how your boyfriend looked with his hair all put-back. You started to laugh at the sight before you. He looked like a little kid with his little frog headband.

"You having fun, cariño?"

"Yes, very much."

Composing yourself, you start to apply the mask to his face. Which was harder than you might think because that little shit kept trying to move away all the goddam time.

"Amor, that's cold!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Beauty is pain, baby. Beauty is pain."

After you finished applying the mask to his face, you took a good look at your artwork. It was the cutest thing you have ever seen in your entire life.

Pablo's face, completely covered in a white face mask, with a pout on his lips, was a sight that was now permanently burned in your brain.

Grabbing your phone, you take a photo of this sight to post it afterwards.

"Really, you gonna take a photo of my suffering?"

"Yes, now come here. I wanna take a selfie too."

You take a few selfies and cuddle up on the bed to wait until the masks are dry.

"Amor, are they supposed to burn?"

"Uhh, yeees?"

You let out a sigh of relief as you hear the timer go off. Dragging Pablo to the bathroom, you wash the mask off his face, chuckling at his surprised face, when he feels how soft his skin got.

"Dios mio, it's so soft!"

"I know, face masks are awesome right?"

"Sí, cariño, we need to do this more often OK?!"

Laughing, you nod your head, kissing his cheek, happy how excited he got over face masks.

your_username

Liked by pedrigonzáles, mikkykiemeney and 430.000 others

your_username couldn't convince him to keep the headband 😂

tagged: pablogavi

pablogavi: love you ❤️ and my soft skin

pedrigonzáles: Stylisch hermano 😂

⎮pablogavi: Ey, your skin is gonna thank you afterwards

pablitooogavi: Not Pablo being obsessed with face masks 😂

⎜liked by pablogavi

mikkykiemeney: How did you get him to do that?!

⎜your_username: I bribed him with food

user7325384: Hahah, I love them

fcbarçalover: Couple goaaalllllsss!!

gaviisthebest: If they break up I'm gonna need therapy

⎜liked by your_username

[jakef3ver]

Nishimura Riki | NDA

☁︎︎︎ Idol!riki x fan!reader | fem!reader

↯ fluff, crack maybe suggestive a little more into the fic, use of social media (instagram, twt), reader is just a regular girl going to school and stuff

⚠︎︎ will contain mentions of alcohol consume later

lil note: i wanted to post this wayyyy earlier but i couldn’t type because i broke my right arm like 3 weeks ago lmao

-xxx-xxxxx-xxxx Text me :)-

It was shortly after 10 PM when you arrive at your little apartment, just as you walked through the door you receive a text from your boss, Mrs Mina.

Of course you could cover a shift, a little bit of extra money is always nice, isn't it?

Also, it’s just 4 hours and you hadn't anything planned anyway.

Since you had to get up early tomorrow, you quickly got ready for bed, to sleep earlier today.

BUT you couldn't get Nishimura Riki out of your head.

This goddam smile this morning in the cafe and the fact that out of all coffee places,

Ni-ki and Jake showed up at your workplace, had you tossing around in bed until you finally could close your eyes for good.

As soon as Riki hears his alarm go off, he's awake. And he's nervous. But he wants to try and look where it leads him.

He gets up from the hotel bed, takes a pen and rips off a small piece of paper from a notebook he always carries around.

He starts writing after shortly thinking about it again.

xxx-xxxxx-xxxx

Text me :)

He puts back the pen and his notebook before standing up and getting ready to accomplish his little mission with Jake.

After dressing up in some baggy joggers and an oversized hoodie, he carefully folds the little piece of paper and places it in his wallet.

After locking his room, he heads down to the hotel lobby and sends Jake a message.

“So what's your plan?” Jake asks while walking along with Riki in the direction of the cafe.

Riki pulls out the little paper piece that he had written just minutes ago.

“Here” he shows it to Jake “should be okay, right?” Riki asks, looking at Jake.

“Yeah that should do it” he answers “Just smile at her again like you did yesterday” he chuckles while finishing his sentence.

“Shut up” Ni-ki snaps and carefully puts his paper back into his wallet.

“Come on it’ll be fine, trust me” Jake exclaims “You're a hot guy with a nice smile” he finishes and ruffles Rikis hair.

“sure” Ni-ki mumbles as response.

After a short walk of 10 minutes, they reach the cafe, your workplace.

Before entering, Riki takes a deep breath.

“You got this Riki” Jake encourages him and gives him a pat on the back.

Jake walks in first, Riki following directly behind him, already holding the piece of paper in his hand.

As they walk up to the counter, Ni-ki doesn't see you standing there, waiting to take their orders in. He subtly glances around, searching for you. But you were nowhere to be found.

In fact, there was no one behind the counter.

Jake rings a little bell with a sign in front of it that says “Please ring if no one is here”.

And there you were, just a minute before your shift is over.

Jake orders the coffee he had yesterday, now tapping Riki who was lost in thoughts, signaling him it's his turn.

Riki turns to face you and hesitantly starts to speak, with a slight stutter in his voice.

As you went to go to the staff room, to take off your apron you heard the bell ring, signaling someone wants to order.

So you instantly turn and go back behind the counter.

As soon as you see WHO wants to order, you take a deep breath to keep yourself together.

“Hi, what can I get for you two?” you say, more composed than yesterday.

Jake and Ni-ki both order their drinks.

As Riki speaks, you notice a slight nervousness radiating from him.

Is he okay? You think to yourself, while typing in their orders.

You tell them the total for their order and Ni-ki pulls out his wallet and hands you more money than needed

“Ju-just keep the rest” he tells you with a small smile.

You nod and put the money into the little cash register. While doing so, you notice a small piece of paper.

He must’ve accidentally given it to you with the money. So you decide to put it aside and give it to him when handing them their drinks.

And so you do, you hand both of them their coffee.

“here you accidentally gave this to me with the money” you say to Riki, your voice a little shaky.

He looks at the piece of paper and shakes his head. “it’s for you” he says so quietly it is nearly impossible to hear, but you still understand.

Jake says goodbye with a smile before going, while Riki just quickly leaves.

As soon as they were out of the cafe, you rush to the staff room to look at the paper, which you didn’t do until now.

xxx-xxxxx-xxxx

Text me :)

“No fucking way” you whisper. That couldn’t be happening right now, could it?

“No fucking way that this was meant for me” you speak to yourself.

You quickly get rid of the Apron and grab your bag to rush home, with the piece of paper carefully placed in your pocket.

masterlist | previous | next

tags: @chaevibes @yangjungwonnie @minskzy @d-dilemma @microwvdstrawb3rri3s @ssiiwave @deadpool15 @enhabooks

[philtstone]

for the writing meme - Juliet and Lassiter, platonic? :)

this pov is so wildly outside my comfort zone that im in the stratosphere rn and as such i have no idea how i feel about this. that said: tag for 4x09, aka shawn spencers horrible no good very bad day, ft. a scene i am convinced must have happened.

As if the rest of today hasn’t been horrifying enough, when Lassiter gets back to the empty hospital waiting room with the requested 9-p.m.-hail-mary-verge-of-collapse coffee and truly-unwieldy large-sized woman’s purse in his hands, O’Hara is blubbering.

Despite his partner’s bubbly exterior and inexplicable desire to speak with awful regularity about his feelings, she has, since first meeting, more than impressed him with her steel stomach, unflappable cool, and general fortitude in the face of evil, gore, and worldly destruction. Coming head on against the lowest scum of humanity’s underbelly has yet to have cracked her almost belligerent, cotton-candy-wrapped, peach-scented determination to take their job seriously, and it isn’t until right now, right at this exact miserable unfortunate second, that Lassiter realizes: 

Beyond a few stoic cases of Misty Eye and, admittedly, more than a few instances of dreamy girlish exuberance, he has never actually seen Juliet O'Hara cry.

As in, the Real McCoy. Unfiltered feminine waterworks. Mascara smeared down her face, perfect updo unraveling, exhausted, snotty, blubbery sobbing into her dainty little manicured hands.  

Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Mary and Joseph and Christmas and Justice and everything in between.

Lassiter freezes with the coffee and the purse precariously in arm, his exhausted body wedged within the half-open door, and stares at her. 

She stares back, equally frozen. Her watery miserable bloodshot eyes, already in the realm of grotesquely-Disney-princess-flavored large, grow unbearably larger until they achieve the size of small and glassy bluebell colored dinner plates. 

“Oh! C-Carlton,” she squeaks.

Then sniffles.

Her chin is wobbling.

Horror he did not know he was capable of feeling clouds his general consciousness. Panic, borne of a fight-or-flight instinct ingrained into the hard edged fiber of his belligerent being since aged twenty, wells up rapidly within his chest.

Even when confined to an ICU bed with a bullet hole in his goddamn shoulder, Shawn Spencer is still capable of causing him problems. One of these days, Lassiter's going to lock the little twerp up in that smelly corner alcove underneath Dobson’s desk for a full forty-eight hours – maybe more! – just to teach him a lesson.

Except O’Hara would probably disapprove.

Which is exactly the fucking problem, isn’t it.

“O – O’Hara,” he manages to croak, before squeezing with an ungaining shimmy through the rest of the way into the room. He makes it two awkward steps forward before a slow and sad zzziiip sounds out and O'Hara's too-full purse and the tray of coffees in his hands flop forward and overbalance. Fumbling, he tries to fit all the indiscernibly woman-ish bits and pieces of her handbag back together into some semblance of organization so she doesn't think he's gone through her things while also balancing the coffees in his other hand. A tube of lipstick clatters to the floor while a disastrous bundle of frilly pink yarn tangles itself around his arm. He can hear the faint sound of a nurse paging someone over the hospital speaker system and the white lights of the waiting room grate against his eyeballs.

Who carries their knitting in their purse to a car chase?

… O’Hara, he supposes. O’Hara does that. He already knew this about her.

"Goddam -- goddammit."

“... Carlton?” she says again, querulously, in the smallest, most pathetic tone of voice he has ever heard emit from her smiley pink mouth. She looks flustered, almost afraid, like he wasn’t supposed to see her like this.

He probably wasn't. She'd forgotten her bag in the back of Guster's stupid little car, she said not ten minutes ago, and could he please go grab it when he went to get the coffee? She'd stay behind and get started on their ass-load of paperwork. That was the deal! The straightforward, simple deal. Basic series of steps. He'd had to go get the keys from Gus, who'd finally convinced the doctors to let them into the surgery room. Abigail sat beside him, pale and shaken but pleasant. Shawn was sleeping but fine. The purse was half-spilled against the backseat but there. The day was over but not really, because Lassiter had been waiting, hands itching with a vicious twitchiness he hasn’t felt in a long time, to get the hell out of Santa Barbara General so he could head to the station – a place of blessed and reliable familiarity – and book their miserable scum sucking lowlife rat bastard shit stick of a perp away for life. 

Lot of buts today, he thinks. It's a generally unhelpful thought.

“You – coffee – I – here –” He clears his throat, gives up, and lets the twirling trail of little crocheted flowers dangle sadly from his arm. Then he frowns, and straightens up. “O’Hara,” he says, loudly and a little too firmly.

She looks anguished. It’s terrible. 

“I d-didn’t mean – I w-was only just – I’m like, really tired? And sometimes when you’re tired, y-you just n-need to – to cry a little bit, but that’s not –! There’s nothing wron – it’s fine, I am – J-just because he said – and I can't even go in the - it’s not even th-that – n-none of this means – it’s just been a v-very – day, and –”

Somehow the panicked and incoherent babbling is worse.

“Jesus,” is all he can offer, still holding the purse out like a fool.

She squeezes her eyes shut, as if trying to block some horrible and mortifying memory out, and buries her face in her hands again, giving up on her explanation. Her cheeks are red, with embarrassment and probably exhaustion. Lassiter is exhausted, and he’d definitely feel embarrassed if he was her. His stomach churns with discomfort. As he lamely uses the yarn to blot at the dribble of coffee that’s transferred onto his rumpled tie, he notices that his shirt is stained. Dirt and gravel and just one smear of blood, right over his stomach, where Shawn’s hand fumbled as Lassiter and Henry helped him get upright and against the car's vaguely cushioned backseat while they waited for the paramedics. 

He’s not stupid, or blind, no matter what the rest of the world likes to presume sometimes. He knows that whatever juvenile attachment O’Hara has to the Great And Irritating Thorn In His Side goes beyond the platonic and has elbowed itself into something greater than the immature and saccharine attraction that was regularly horrifying and – only sometimes – mildly amusing. Spencer is an idiot; O’Hara is not. 

Doesn’t make any of today feel different, though. 

He feels his shoulders sag. He feels the adrenaline drain out of him. He feels a surge of strange, complicated protectiveness trip over its metaphorical feet and land face-first in the back part of his throat, angry somehow, on her behalf – it’s difficult to explain precisely why – and then, through some cosmic magic that Shawn would probably claim he can commune with and Carlton absolutely does not believe in, his mouth opens of its own accord and her name comes out a second time, with more gentleness than he knew himself genuinely capable of:

“Juliet,” he says. 

Still awkward, and stilted, but maybe three percent less of a disaster. He watches his partner’s – his friend’s – mouth snap shut in surprise. He watches her sniff, and look at him a little desperately, a little lost, like even she’s not sure what to do with whatever horrible and unavoidable human indignity just accosted them. 

Lassiter swallows painfully and casts around for something else to say.

“You – you want a ride home?” he finally lands on.

Thank God: she nods. Exhaling loudly, he holds his arm out and the door open while Juliet scrambles to her feet in those confounding heels and accepts her bulky purse and his poorly-delivered grace with simple, slowly-settling determination. Or maybe it’s just plain relief.

He can work with that, he thinks, before absently raising one of the coffee cups to his mouth and immediately choking on the awful bitter sludge that is her black, one Stevia order.

“Oh, Carlton, this is undrinkable,” he hears her croak beside him, in between his own disgusted spluttering. He wonders miserably if Karen’s already worked her way through the interrogation he was so looking forward to conducting. “You’re going to give yourself a heart attack twenty years premature …”

One of these days, he thinks again, wondering how many Tylenols it’ll take to kick the day’s headache. 

Spencer, chained to that desk armpit.

Forty-eight whole hours.

It’s a blissful fantasy that wouldn’t be possible if the man wasn’t going to be perfectly, one hundred percent alright, but that’s neither here nor there, just now; he said he would get his partner home.

The rest, he'll just have to figure out later.

[littlemisssquiggles]

... Now wait a goddam minute?! The Sugar Doctor is the Cookie Monster?!

To all the people who were theorizing that the Suga Doctor may "somehow" be the "Granute" that kidnapped Hanto's mother, I think you may be cooking something.

I've heard people say Suga may secretly be another Granute scientist, like Nyelv, who perfected disguising his Gavv so he can better hide in the Human World.

But what if... Suga created the Cookie Monster Granute?

Either way, the fact that Kamen Rider Bake bares an uncanny striking resemblance to the Granute responsible for kidnapping Hanto's mother is no mere coincedence on the Gavv design team's part.

While I'm unsure of whether Suga is that same Granute or not, either way, this definitely hints that the Sugar Doctor does have some connection to Cookie Granute.

Perhaps the sudden appearance of Cookie Monster Granute was Suga's first "failed attempt" at turning himself into a Granute hybrid or something and Hanto's mother was just an unfortunate casualty that he later pawned off on Stomach Inc.

I dunno. Gonna need more info for this theory of mine. But either way, a picture says a thousand words and there is no doubt in my mind that SUGA IS CONNECTED TO THE COOKIE MONSTER GRANUTE THAT TURNED HANTO'S LIFE UPSIDE DOWN!

How messed up would that be?

Not only did Suga's meddling with Granutes cause the disappearance and eventual death of Hanto's mother, but him returning years later to use Hanto as a pawn in ANOTHER one of his cruel Granute and human experiments is just diabolical.

Turning the orphan child of your first victim into your lab rat is diabolical on Suga's part.

Whether he's conscious that Hanto is that child, I don't know. But it would be pretty messed up if Suga has known the whole truth all this time.

~LMS (2025)

[fluffypotatey]

leverage 2x03

WE GOING IN!!!!

Oooooh ok called “The Order 23 Job” 👀 so my guess is that it either has to do with hitmen or law related (OR MAYBE BOTH?????) 

Oh wait episode description say they take over a hospital floor????? What????? TO STAGE AN OUTBREAK?????? LEVERAGE??????

Y’all what am I about to get myself into holy fuck 

COURT ROOM

WE IN COURT AGAIN

wait a minute…..is it just me or does this defendant guy look familiar…..either he is the same dude from the Miracle Job or he’s just a new dude

NOOOOOO GOVERNMENT WHY

ugh gross 🤢 18 months????? fucking bs

Ok rip to me because I don’t remember the guy from the Miracle Job well but I think this guy is not him

Also, this Ronald man (paused it and the show his name on the cast list! thanks prime????) is either gonna kill the Eddie dude or be Leverage’s new client

He might assault him tho. That isn’t off the table. Assault and then he goes to jail LONGER than the white collar crime dude. Yes…..I can see that

OH HE HAS A GUN

NATE YOU FUCKING KING

AND HE STILL PUNCHED HIM!!!! I hope that felt good

Oh good just a warning

Guys am I getting a Hardinson episode??????

THEY ARE FUCKING FOCUSING ON HIM WHILE RONALD TALKS ABOUT HIS SISTER GUYS AM I WINNING?????? (I am so sorry Ronald your story is tragic and I am currently misty eyed BUT AM I WINNING YALL???)

Oooooooh did that cut close to you Nate???? An illness that could have been prevented and yet help was not afforded to you? 

How over his son’s death is Nate btw? Asking for a friend

Eliot and Hardinson shitting on rich people my beloved

Yes Nate :))))) he is a germaphobe :))) ABUSE IT

dam ok y’all just gonna talk about how you swindled some people in front of an officier (tho not like he can do much. you got your sentence and also government aid.) Jesus you must feel so invincible rn

I hate him. Eddie fucking sucks. 

“It’s about shifting fear” lmao i love irony 

Love you Bob

Man what did they drug him with?????

NATE YOU ARE NOT!!!! YOU ARE NOT PLAYING A DOCTOR (he is 🥰🥰🥰)

“Let’s go steal us a hospital” y’all i love this show

Awwwww Parker’s mini panic (same girlie. I would be asking the same questions in your situation)

Oooooooh they got ambience audio

THEY DID NOT ASK PARKER THAT LMAO

y’all Eliot and Hardinson fighting over clothes help 💀

Lmao the way they are playing up his paranoia 

YES PARKER PLEASE PLAY IT UP

HARDINSON AND ELIOT POLICE DUO????? Let’s fucking gooooooooo

Awwwww little baby boy 🥺 why he sick 🥺 awwwww it’s ok baby

Eliot stop staring at him that’s creepy

OH

oh ok understood

Eddie being all smarmy lmao you have no idea what you got into

SOPHIE!!!! 

I hate Eddie 

Awwwwww Nate giving Parker a 101 on how to manipulate people 🥺

That’s how zombie movies start

LMAOOOOO 

the plot thickens :)

Yes Eliot :3 play with their rational

“My wife just had a baby. 🥺” “His wife just had a baby 😔✊”

Hardinson repeating people’s words my beloved 

Sophie you play this so well 👏👏👏👏👏👏

Oh no Eddie 🫢 you are handcuffed 🫢

Hardinson be careful 

“Yippity skip!”

Eliot help the kid 🥺 

Nate do not rational that lmao

Sophie no 💀 what about your “boyfriend”

Eliot! You hide your ear piece! 

God I am stressed 😫 Eliot stop!!!! ELIOT

ELIOT MY KING BUT I AM STRESSED 

YES HE IS YOU BITCH

ok Eliot I was wrong. Kill that man

Awwww poor security man

“You have been exposed to an antigen that is repelled by water” STOP IT 😂😂😂😂 IM FUCKING WHEEEZING

Hardinson: doing his job

Eliot: not doing his job and instead put for blood

OH I FUCKING KNEW THAT MAN WAS SHIFTY!!!! CHARLIE!!!!! I KNEW IT

goddam why they always need to double check shit :( let the con men be free from double checking

Dammit Eliot, Hardinson is giving you some pretty good info AND YOU STASHED THAT EAR PIECE AWAY!!!! ELIOT PUT IT BACK ON

Of course it’s the fucking mob 🙄 should have known but seriously 18 months???? Why not 5 years :/

Oh of course, OF COURSE ELIOT GETS TO CHARLIE NOW!!!! Put that ear piece back or so help me!!!! SO HELP ME! SO HELP ME! SO HELP ME!

Is he gonna be chucked into a fucking morgue drawer 😔 Eliot run

OH NO

ELIOT RUNNNNNN

thank you Hardinson!!!!!! 

Y’all those are special equipment!!!!! The hospital needs those!!!! 

Ok Eliot now put the ear piece back on

Lmao Nate 😂😂😂😂 THE FUCKING SOVIETS??????? LMAO

Sorry I shouldn’t be laughing but it’s so fucking funny

IN THE DRAWER??????

Yes Parker!!!!! You are playing your role so well 💖💖💖💖

LMAO

Bob love you but please stop being good at your job

Awwww Eliot 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 

He said his real name 🤧🤧🤧

No I’m not crying leave me alone. I’m okAY

shut up

NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOO 🫠🫠🫠🫠 Randy baby boy 🤧

Alrighty. What now :/

It’s night?????? Already?????? When did that happen??????

IN THE COURT ROOM???????? EDDIE WHAT??????

LMAO 

Love you Parker

“Everyone of you is looking to 25 to life” oh baby, they have a way longer sentence if they ever get caught lmao

LMAOOOOO 

Eddie dude 😂 you are so bad at this

I love their gloating 🥰

“Kiss ass” 💀💀💀💀

Eliot stop giving Bob ideas

Eliot tell him about Randy 🥺

YEAHHHHHHHHH

YEAHHHHHHHHHJJJJHHH 🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧🤧

A-okay broskis 

I’m sooooo good 🥲

Good episode 🫠 tbh the epidemic plot was funnier than I thought it would be but like on the flip side it would be so scary to have that be played on you. Real pandemic is enough for me. Y’all don’t need to con me that shit

The fucking side plot with Eliot and the kid 🥺 y’all I’m am sobbing 😭 just how Eliot clocked that so fast and how he tried to hard to help and finally gets Randy away and safe for good (well, maybe not for good bc foster system but he shows that kid that help CAN come and he’s not alone and 🥲) 

Also, this was not a Hardinson episode *kicks dirt* BUT I LOVED ALL OF HIS MOMENTS!!! I love him so much and I want a focused episode on him so badly is that so wrong?

But man. Imma cool down and breathe then go to the next episode 

[brainwashedsmogbreathingprincess]

I was meant to post about invincible last week but I did text to speech and can't be bothered to edit it or come up with a way to word it better,

I literally have to do text to speech because I'm so pissed off I can't even f****** type like halfway through the f****** this week's episode of invincible and I'm so f****** pissed off if he even strength that any of the f****** alternate used it could be over enough f****** minute but he doesn't have the f****** balls because he's such a oh my god and he's in the f****** hospital oh my god f****** f*** he's just sitting in the f****** hospital holding her f****** hand like that's gonna do something Chicago levels of destruction everywhere in the f****** world.

but none of that even matters because I'm changing this to a f****** this is a rex splode blog now like I don't give a f*** about anybody else but him like this. He might be the only character to ever character in this entire goddam show every week this whole episode was just a list of people pissing me off Debbie allowing her eight-year-old to go off and f****** fight altimate versions of his brother some of which were on park with her f****** x the husband what wait Dobby f*** you by chucking up with the new very vulnerable oh my god was tracing Debbie for a f****** full season because I was like damn like this bit is going for a tough top I know this was just this was pure stupid b******* also if I've ever said anything bad about Cecil I have never said anything bad about Cecil in my life this man this gonna put up with so much this man has to put up was so much this man has to put oh my god God's man but that's that

Ok I took a second I took a second I finished the episode why the f*** does this m*********** always choose the worst times to lock and like he like the whole planet is destroyed and you're like yeah I'm gonna I'm gonna need to do with this built to my that's a good idea yeah if god's f****** the worst time to lock in

[that-one-weird-kid-from-school]

Oh me oh my, I really fucking hate time!

Yeah, I know, I have been complaining a lot about time recently, but even if I made 3 2-mile long posts a week for 5 months and 11 days straight about how much I despise time, that would only show a third of my pure hatred for time.

Every day I go to sleep; and every time I go to sleep, I never expect to wake up tomorrow, I never expect tomorrow to come, yet every time I do; every day when I am thrust into reality, it never feels right, it always feels like this shouldn't be happening, but I just gotta deal with that and wait until I fall back asleep only to eventually wake up again, wake up tomorrow.

Up until soon, I did not think of anything when I went to sleep, I wasn't expecting tomorrow, blissfully not thinking about time, but I now think about time, and the more that I think about time, the more I despise it; so recently, when I go to sleep, the only thing that I think about is how much I wished and begged for tomorrow not to come, to not wake up tomorrow.

But tomorrow always comes.

But today, I had a plan to outsmart time: if I willingly chose to sleep all day, then there wouldn't have been no tomorrow, because tomorrow never came, because I slept through all of tomorrow.

So that is what I tried to do, when I felt myself waking up, I chose to not open my eyes, I stayed in sleep mode, I stayed in my blissful state of mind where there is no time for so long; but eventually, I have been woken up at 1:30 PM, apparently, the package that I ordered has arrived; the plan has to go on hold, I need my beads.

And so, I went outside to get my package; on the way there, I got new string, and also, I saw an amazing notebook, it worked perfect for my plan; also, that was a fine notebook, and I know what I'm saying, I have seen my fare share of notebooks, I have a whole library of notebooks, that notebook was very thick, but sadly, it was a yearly notebook, so I need to wait for the next year to come.

That journey took a lot out of me, I did not drink any alcohol but, every minute that passed, I felt less and less sober, my brain is fogging up every moment that I don't watch piercing fail reaction videos; in the end, I went home half the man I used to be, but at least I got my beads; but when I checked the time, I saw that it was 5 PM, how the fuck did that happen, I went outside immediately after I woke up; the crazier part still was when I got distracted for about 10-30 minutes, it suddenly got to 9 PM, like, no fucking time has passed and now it's dark!

I swear, time really wants me to fucking die.

But, I can hear you from the other side of the screen, with your little nose, saying something like, "I get it, man. Time is an ever-present force that affects us equally. No matter how much we run away from it, we can never escape, time always catches up. And even if we die, time will still keep going; if the entire human race dies one day, time will still exist forever more. We are nothing but ants trying to lie in such an immovable reality called time." Shut the fuck up; you don't know what we're saying, you bitch-ass; go get some real problems and then talk to me.

Or you might be saying something like "what's your deal with time, dude? i get how it feels when you lose track of time and then it flies by. but when you pay attention to it, it is pretty reliable. i don't see why you hate time so much" To that I say: good for you, go sit in the corner right there and be ignorantly blissful and don't bother me; I don't want to explain to you the horrors that I experience every day, but in short, I have a fucked up sense of time, 5 hours ago genuinely feel like yesterday; and trying to make a reason to that is a fucking nightmare.

It really seems like time wants me to die earlier than I would usually do, but I won't do it yet, I have a job to do; if I hear another word come out of your goddam mouth, I swear to fucking god, I'm gonna punch your chest so hard that it breaks your internalized clock; we'll see who's laughing now when that constant ticking and tacking drives you so mad that it leads you into doing desperate actions!

I swear, this time thing is going to be the death of me...

[klm-zoflorr]

Marley incorrect quotes: Partie Onze

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: If Hange was turned into a sentient Titan, do you think she would eat one of us just to try it out?

Mikasa: Without question, without hesitation, and without remorse.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Gabi, I heard from Magath you got kicked out of a class for using the c-word. That wasn't clever, was it?

Gabi: No, it was cunt.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Connie: Jump out of a plane with a parachute and you'll be happy for ten to fifteen minutes

Connie: Jump out of a plane without a parachute and you'll be happy for the rest of your life

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Petra: When are we gonna kiss?

Levi: What?

Petra: Oh sorry autocorrect. When are we gonna hang out?

Levi: First of all those two words aren't even close to each other. And second of all, this is a verbal conversation.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Instructor Shadis, can you assist me? All of my clothes keep disappearing for some reason and I don't know where they went

Historia, wearing a white button-up shirt that's twice her size: Huh, spooky.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: I’m in love with you.

Porco: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.

Reiner: I know.

Porco: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marcel: Love story for the ages! Enemies to lovers, 150k, slowburn! Buy one get one free!

Porco: Why are you promoting us?

Marcel: Well someone has to have more than two braincells in this relationship, and it's not gonna be me, so I'm finding you an investor.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mr. Yaeger: Remember Zeke, never talk to strangers

Young Zeke: Does this include Mom and Dad?

Mr. Yaeger: I-

Zeke: Does this include Mr. Xaver, the man who practically raised me one baseball game at a time?

Mr. Yaeger: Well-

Zeke: What about if the police arrests me? Should I not talk to them either??

Mr. Yaeger, wiping away a stray tear: You're way too bright for your age, way too aware. Oh, my brave little soldier...

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Porco: Pieck's dog died

Porco: So to cheer her up I'm thinking about getting her an identical one?

Zeke: What is she going to do with two dead dogs??

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: Well I was just thinking, if we're all sterile the other countries won't want to attack us since we wouldn't be a threat anymore-

Hange/Historia/Eren/Any Eldian with a goddam ounce of sense and no self-flagelling tendencies: Is it crack? Is it crack you smoke?? Are you fucking serious?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: Annie! I don't want to fight you.

Annie: I wouldn't wanna fight me either!

Armin: Annie!

Annie: Sorry. Yes you can use my shampoo.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yelena: I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy

Yelena: I would wish it on Eren tho. Fuck you, Eren. You know what you did.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Sorry if I'm not your cup of tea.

Historia:You're not even your own cup of tea.

Ymir: You're barely a cup and you don't like tea.

Historia:You're more like a rusty bucket of haunted bog water.

Reiner: Sorry if I'm not your rusty bucket of haunted bog water.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: *at Magath's funeral, kneeling and whispering at his coffin*

Zeke: Who's thinking outside the box now, uh?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: Wait, how many kids do you even have?

Erwin: Biologically, emotionally or legally?

Hange: Well now I'm curious...

Erwin: Biologically: Too many to count. Papa's had his adventurous youth...

Erwin: Legally: About the entirety of the Survey Corps, plus a few strays from the Military Police. I have to feed, house them, and make sure they don't get their heads bitten off by titans after all... Plus, half of them are orphans already and I am their sole provider.

Erwin: Emotionally: I don't like any of you bitches.

Annie: Wahh, wahh. So sad.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: You’re my closest friend. I mean, we share a toothbrush.

Connie: I was not aware of that.

Sasha: We do!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: Hey, you guys wanna play a game?

Annie: *serves everyone a cup of coffee*

Annie: The game's called "Don't Let Me Down". Don't drop anything *runs towards Mikasa*

Mikasa: *catches Annie, managing to balance out both the chick and the coffee perfectly*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren, running towards Jean: Hey, catch me, horseface!

Jean: *Panics, drops coffee and doesn't catch Eren*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Connie: *drops coffee and grabs Sasha*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ymir: *dives out of Reiner's way*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: *Tries to save both Historia and the coffee, ends up spilling it all over himself, transforms into a titan, blows everything up in a one-mile radius*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Hey Pieck, do you know where I've put my socks, you know, the green ones with little grenades?

Gabi: Wait.

Gabi: Are you making Sims of the entire Warriors unit??

Pieck: Yes, I'm also going to recreate the compound to house them all. Do you want to join me?

Gabi: Scooch over I have an idea for one of Magath's outfits

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Colt: Guys we need to- what are you doing?

Gabi:

Pieck:

Colt: Is that us as sims?

Pieck: ... Might be

Colt, sitting down next to them: Who's in the lead for most fires started while trying to make a garden salad?

Gabi: Annie's Sim, with 12 times so far

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Porco: Just so you all know what you're dealing with, I'm the kind of guy who saves manually before hitting "save & quit" when I play the Sims

Gabi: ...you could have "saved" this one for your therapist, we don't want to hear about your mental illnesses

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: This is such a stupid game.

Pieck: I had us go on a date chasing vampires and defeating a giant basement plant and then kissing under the moonlight. You're wearing an integral bear costume and using your extreme charisma to scam people out of money. Try again?

Zeke: It's... alright, I guess.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: Why isn’t there a pregnant barbie doll?

Hange: Because Ken came in a different box

Erwin: grOss-

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: I feel like doing something stupid.

Armin: I’m something stupid. Do me.

Mikasa: Aw, Armin, you're not THAT stupid...

Armin:

Armin: ... What do you mean, not "that" stupid??

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Kenny: Why the fuck did the government put out a ‘Flee on Sight, Do Not Engage’ order about me for the whole populace??

Kuchel: I don't know, why would they be afraid of a man nicknamed "Kenny the Ripper"?

Uri Reiss: You terrify them. An Ackerman with guns and no regard for casualties is too much for them to handle.

Kenny: What a bunch of bitches. Don’t they know I only go after the Military Police?

Uri Reiss: Yeah. But according to sightings, you always look like you want to shoot whoever you come across off. No one wants to chance it. See? *shows picture taken when Kenny last went to get groceries*

Levi, peering at the picture, confused: That’s just Kenny’s normal face. Why would they think he wants to shoot them?

Kuchel: Because Kenny always looks like he wants to shoot someone.

Kenny: I have resting sniper face.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: You have never seen Star Wars? Bro, the only people in the universe who haven’t seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that’s cause they lived them, Historia! That’s because they lived the Star Wars!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Connie: I'm selling my pet python. Anyone interested?

Jean: Is it massive?

Connie: It's huge

Jean: How many feet?

Connie: None. It's a snake, you twat.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck, putting her hands over Annie's eyes: Guess who!

Annie: It's either Pieck or the cold, clammy hands of death.

Pieck, pulling her hands away: It's me!

Annie: Dammit.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: You can’t shoot and kill Sasha just like that!

Gabi: Actually, I can. I totally can. I have guns and hands and a total lack of self preservation and everything.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done.

Armin: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.

Eren: They're not.

Armin: Haha, very funny.

Eren: I'm serious. Didn't you hear?

Armin: No... what happened?

Mikasa: ...Why would you fall for this again-

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren, working as a cashier: *Ringing up Jean's groceries, a banana, an apple and two eggs* You must be single

Jean: Wow, how did you know that?

Eren: Because you're ugly.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Time to do some sketchy shit ~dah-daaaaah-dah-dahhhh-doooooh~

Berthold: Hope we get away with it ~dah-daaaah-dah-dahhhhh-dooooh~

Annie: Stop singing and come help me with this gate you morons, old McDonalds' farm isn't gonna sabotage itself

Marcel: ...~dah-daaah-dah-dahhhhh-dooooh~

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Jean: All women are queens

Eren: If she breathes she's a hoe

Mikasa: *pointing at Eren* I want this one

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Jean: Is that you who tagged "tw animal abuse" under the selfie I just posted?

Eren:

Eren: ...no

Jean: Why'd you do that?

Eren: Builds character

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Grisha: Hey son, want to hear a pizza joke?

Grisha: Nevermind, it's too cheesy

Zeke: I am selling you to the authorities first chance I get Father.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Grisha: Don't be pepper-phony, don't betray your old man like that! It's the yeast you can do.

Zeke: I don't know whether to scream at you or never talk to you again

Grisha: You know what happened to the last guy who was indeSLICEsive like that? He pastaway.

Zeke:

Grisha: There’s mushroom for improvement, son

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Falco: When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels

Colt: Why?

Falco: Sometimes.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: Why are you on the floor?

Historia: I'm depressed.

Historia: Also I was stabbed, can you call an ambulance please

Ymir, barrelling in: You were WHAT?? Whose ASS do I need to KICK??

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Grisha: I forgot my pizza in the oven

Grisha : Burned 2000 calories today

Zeke: AAAAARGGGGGG

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Grisha, at a restaurant in Paradis: Is my pizza gonna be long?

Carla: No, all our pizzas are round.

Grisha:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: I love the pizza jokes, Dad! More!

Grisha, patting his head: That's why you're my favorite son. You're such a fungi.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Favorite? Dad, I'm your only son.

Grisha: ...yes, I meant between you and the dog- Mikasa. Between you and Mikasa.

Eren: Oh, okay.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: You’re alright for an old guy.

Levi: I’m not really that old.

Mikasa: ...You keep telling yourself that.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi on her first day as a vampire hunter: Wow this is easy

Gabi on her first night as a vampire hunter: Oh no

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: *jumps out of a huge cake* Surprise, my Queen! It is I, your most loyal vassal!

Historia: I was expecting my husband.

Sasha: Twenty years we've known each other, Historia, and now you don't want to see me pop out of a cake. I'm offended.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: Oh, right, I should have mentioned this at the beginning.

Levi, leaning in like he's about to tell a secret: I solve my problems through violence.

Erwin: *gesturing wordlessly at the pile of bodies he left behind*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?

Grisha: Sure.

Grisha: But the dining room would probably be more comfortable

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: I like your smile.

Mikasa: Hn.

*Later*

Mikasa: What does it mean?

Armin: That he likes your smile?

Mikasa: But like in what way? Platonically? Affectionately? Romantically?

Armin: I don't know!

*Much later*

Eren: You know Mikasa best-

Armin: No I don't. I've never met her.

Eren: What does it mean when she says "Hn." After I tell her I like her smile? Is she starting to forgive me?

Armin: *sighs*

Armin: It means she appreciates the compliment.

Eren: But in what way? Platonically? Affectionately? Romantically?

Armin: I DON'T KNOW. Go bother your brother, relationship advice is what older siblings are for!!

Eren: The last time I asked Zeke he called me a moley dumbfuck and asked for Levi to come execute him

Armin: I'm sure he didn't mean it. Ask him again, he probably changed his mind.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ymir: People like to say, “you can't love someone unless you love yourself first". Well I call bullshit on that. I have never loved myself. But Historia? I love Historia so much I forgot what hating myself felt like.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Carla: I brought Eren to the park this afternoon.

Grisha: So?

Carla: While he was on the playground, I saw he was about to hit his head so I told him to duck.

Carla: He quacked at me. And then hit his head.

Grisha, holding a crying Eren: Oh.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Jean wakes up in the hospital after being in a vertical maneuvering equipment crash*

Hange: I have some good news and some bad news.

Jean: Okay, what's the good news?

Hange: We managed to save your penis

Jean: That's great. And the bad news?

Hange: It's in this jar

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha, trying on Hange's glasses: How do I look??

Hange, squinting: I have no clue

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: Please don't make jokes about crucifixion.

Sasha: Unless you really nail the execution.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Floch: Your insolence has gone too far!

Connie: Wrong. It can go a lot further.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

Historia: That’s odd.

Erwin: Get out.

Historia: I'm the Queen! Hey! *She gets thrown out the room*

Historia, grumbling: I'm gonna make this our motto just to piss him off

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Preparing for his date with Levi*

Mika Zacharias: Final question. Your dinner date starts at seven. What time do you arrive?

Erwin: Seven. A.M. Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not I gotta kill him. Dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy no later than 4:30

Mike: You’re ready

Erwin: Really?

Mike: No. Everything you just said was insane and we are out of time.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: I think it has its charm... Levi would love the attention to details.

Nanaba: Nobody asked you, you're cackling-witch-level insane on a good day.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: Are you guys flirting or fighting?!

Hange: Flirting

Zeke: Fighting

Hange: ...Right. That's what I meant to say.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marcel: I’ve come to offer you some friendly advice.

Annie: I really don’t want your advice.

Marcel: ...Well then consider it unfriendly advice.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: I'm Commander Theo Magath.

Gabi: Theo Magath? That's your name?

Commander Magath: Uh, yeah...

Gabi: You could do so much better than that. I’m going to call you Sparkle Sunshine.

Reiner: Gabi, that's rude

Gabi: ...Sorry. Commander Sparkle Sunshine.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: After Pieck found my letters I had to come clean and tell her I was cheating

Zeke: She said she'll never play scrabble with me again :'(

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Yes, Grisha really is a lucky guy. Lost his old marleyan pun-hating family, found a new one who appeciates him and his pizza puns. Goals!

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