#and I wanted to dispel that notion because it's not really true

[warblingandwriting]

Re-posting a goodreads review I wrote because I like it (although I did not like this book).

Fellow non-romance book lovers, this isn't for us.  

I was recommended this book as for book lovers who don't really like romance novels, so I checked it out. I'll admit this recommendation probably put my expectations out of whack; I was hoping for a campy, silly story about the cold hearted villain of usual romantic comedy formulas, and Nora was... not that. For my fellow curious readers I'll be getting into plot spoilers shortly, but for everyone else, if you typically love romance novels I'm sure you'll enjoy this, it isn't really bad, it just majorly wasn't for me, and I wish there had been a more comprehensive review like this when I was searching through them, so I'm writing one. So, first thing's first we meet Nora, dumped over the phone by her most recent beau, and not all that upset about it. And this is where we get into my issues. I feel like typical romcom 'bitch ex' actually has a freakout when she's eventually unceremoniously dumped, but this has happened to Nora more than once before, so she's somewhat numb to it. This, in and of itself is not terrible, but as the story moves forward we learn the tragic backstory of why she is the way she is. I'll lay it out now so it's not interspersed throughout the rest of the review, but it is interspersed throughout the book, and we don't really learn all the details until near the end, so it's more of a mystery in the text. Essentially her mom had a series of terrible boyfriends while her and sister were growing up (thus she's already cynical about men). When her mom died she was at her then-boyfriend's place, and didn't hear the news until hours afterwards which gave her major separation anxiety because she feels she let her sister down by not being there right away. The boyfriend then left to go to school. She went to visit him once, had a breakdown worrying about her sister, and basically went home right away. The bf became her first 'romcom villain character' moment, as he met someone else while studying and unceremoniously dumped Nora. Now she always has to sleep in her own bed (or be with her sister it seems), and her 'coldness' is kind of a result of these traumas, mixed with her allegedly cuthroat business acumen as a book agent, and an apparent love of designer clothes. This was a problem for me because the whole reason I picked up this book was to avoid typical romcom trappings, but instead it was full of them. I was actually specifically hoping this book wouldn't try to justify its main character, and instead just have fun with the idea of a character who is just... actually kind of a shallow person. But every aspect of her character that might be seen as unlikable has some drawn-out explanation. For instance: she likes designer clothes because she grew up poor and likes to revel in them now that she can afford them, the small town she goes to is actually kind of a dump so she can't be blamed for not instantly loving it, and so on and so forth. Because of all this she doesn't feel like the romcom villain I actually wanted to read about, she just felt like a typical romcom protagonist with more expensive tastes, and a few more break-ups under her belt. Anyway, immediately after this break-up she has a meeting with Charlie, the obvious love-interest, who is an editor at a prestigious publishing house, and she wants to sell one of her clients books to him. When she arrives he criticizes the book, says he doesn't want it, and they proceed to have an awkward lunch and leave apparently hating each other. A quick time-skip later and Nora managed to sell the book somewhere else, and it was a massive success. So massive, in fact, that Nora's sister wants to visit the small town it's set in, and try to give her a 'romcom moment' after her unluckiness in love. Nora reluctantly agrees, and they make plans to head off. (Sidenote: One the other things that grated on me was that Nora and Libby seemingly unironically call each other 'Sissy', like, frequently. If this author has a sister they do not have the relationship of my sister and I. I can't imagine calling her sissy unless I was trying to bother her on purpose or make fun of her). They go to this small town, Nora's city ways clash with the small town ideals. She mostly wears heels, but has to walk everywhere because the inn they're staying at is a ways out of town and off the main road! She has listen to cityscape noises at night because it's too quiet for her to sleep in the countryside! The charming cafe has no wifi so she can't work! Pretty typical stuff that I just think would have been better and more funny if the author was able embrace the idea of unlikable protagonist and not justify everything Nora did with more and more backstory. While there she meets two guys, the first, a hunky farmer with the traditional 'small town romcom charm' and the second is Charlie, who, as it turns out, grew up in this town (which is why he hated the book that was set there). In order to 'check' that Charlie is who Nora suspects he is she emails him so she can watch to see if he checks his phone and replies when she does. He does, and this sets off what is a weirdly jovial flirtation for two people who've only met in person once and had a bad time together, but whatever gets the plot moving. The conversations they have were also an issue for me, I mean, the book is called 'Book Lovers' so I was hoping they'd have some conversations about actual books, but the only books they talk about are the fictional in-universe ones. Aside from mentioning, like I think one favourite book that actually exists, and a few tossed off references to Jane Austen, the only book talk in a book called book lovers is about a fictional book that the audience can't engage with because it's not real. That bothered me probably more than it needed to because admittedly books just chock full with references to other books can be grating too, but I would have liked at least one conversation about these characters thoughts and feelings about a real book that exists that I could engage with on some level. But that is admittedly more of a minor personal gripe. Back to the plot, much of the book is Libby making Nora do typical romcom things. She sets up a tinder for Nora, and makes her go on a date with a random guy, who turns out to be a horrible sexist, so Nora ditches him for Charlie, who just so happens to be at the bar on the same night. They go a cute date, almost have sex but decide not to mix work and pleasure (even though they already have. This is one of those books that weirdly maintains even though these characters have made out, and fully done some hand stuff they won't irreparably change their relationship until actual piv sex happens... which is just another weird romcom trope I don't personally like). Then Libby decides to help refurbish the charming little bookstore (on the 'save a local business' section of her checklist) that it turns out Charlie's family owns. This puts Nora and Charlie in each other's way even more, and on top of that Nora has to do her remote work in Charlie's book shop because there isn't wifi anywhere else. Basically a set up to force them together, as after their almost-sex moment they want to avoid each other. As a part of Nora's 'coldness' she is working remotely throughout this vacation (as I mentioned before), and she is shocked to find that the book she is working on from a long time client to be about a facsimile of her: a cuthroat, cold, hollywood agent. The problem, of course, being that Nora doesn't resemble this character at all as we see her in the book, and especially not to her authors. She's actually really, really sweet to the author every time we see them interacting. This is another incentive for her to feel like she needs to loosen up more, but it comes off flat because it feels like the book is telling us she's Like This but not actually showing it (the brief reference made to the film The Philadelphia Story feels ironically apt in this sense. Tracy Lord is also a character who seems perfectly nice and normal but everyone in the movie is constantly like 'wow Tracy why are you so cold-hearted and mean?'. Another connection I wish she had maybe dug deeper into). So in her quest to seem less like the cold, calculated character that has apparently been based on her, she goes on a date with the hunky farm guy, who also happens to be Charlie's cousin. It's an ideal date, he acts totally perfect, and she almost gets swept up in the small town charm, but it doesn't feel right to her so she breaks it off. Doesn't go home with him, and decides to stick to Charlie. Although they've decided not to actually date, they have another couple of almost-sex encounters before decided to just bang it out for the duration of the vacation only. Of course, they are apparently going to wait to have actual sex until last, so there's just a lot more 'basically sex but it technically doesn't count because reasons' throughout. And of course trying to hide it from Libby (who will be upset that Nora has taken up with a city man also on vacation instead of a small-town boy) and from all of Charlie's family members. They get even closer through this, and through jointly editing the new book as it comes in (of course, they both love it and we barely understand what happens in it except for a Breakfast at Tiffany's reference right at the end). Nora realizes her dream of becoming an editor instead of a literary agent (something she gave up in order to continue making more money to support her at the time unmarried sister, because everything in this book needs that precious tragic backstory attached to it), and her and Libby help refurbish the town by setting up a festival based on the book that used it as a setting, complete with the author skyping in for a Q&A. All seems well until, shock and horror, we learn Libby had alternative motives for bringing Nora to this particular town. Throughout the book there have been hints that she might be getting a divorce, her and her husband are having weirdly short calls, he keeps texting Nora to see if everything is okay instead of his wife, just a lot of stuff to imply that their relationship is in danger. When her husband and kids show up to join them for the last week of the vacation though, all seems well, and Nora is comforted. It turns out the actual reason for all the secrecy is that Libby is moving to small town, and away from Nora. Nora is devastated (because of all the previously mentioned trauma), which is exactly why Libby had trouble telling her. And then the book acts like it was actually about their sibling relationship all along? I mean, don't get me wrong, they have some good moments, but don't pretend that this was ever about them. Libby was just window dressing to give Nora a heart, because again, the author seemed incapable of embracing her own premise. Even worse, Charlie is also staying to help out his parents (which is why he put a time-limit on his relationship with Nora). She's totally devastated, she gets her editor job, but her sister and new beau are leaving her. Of course, she is able to become reconciled to what her sister wants once she actually thinks about it, but she's still pretty sad about Charlie. She goes back to New York, enjoys her job, and after time skip she participates in a tradition her and her sister have of going to the same book shop on the same day every year alone. And of course, Charlie shows up to sweep her off her feet. The plots resolve themselves, as Libby (who was previously a stay at home mom) started working at the book store so Charlie no longer has to! He's moving back to New York, and of course wants to be with Nora. Another time skip shows them all back in Sunshine Falls with Nora getting ready for the proposal that she knows Charlie is going to make because they discussed it in detail, and she chose her own ring. This is supposed to imply that they're perfectly unromantic together and didn't have to change! As if they didn't have a ton of romantic moments (a moonlight swim, a stolen kiss etc, etc) throughout the book. Just another attempt at making them seem like some match made in heaven corporate cold hearted couple, even though neither of them actually act like that throughout most of the book. Obviously there is a lot I didn't mention here, the classic jealousy over one of Charlie's exes, Charlie's parents also having a perfect romcom meetcute, and Libby and Nora having sporadic shopping sprees and movie nights, but I have already written far too many words. As I said I think actual fans of romantic comedies will have a great time with this... just please don't recommend it to your friends who don't like romantic comedies but are trying to broaden their horizons. I was told more than once that this was a good romcom for people who don't like them, and I think that is simply not true. I was hoping for more actual satire, more bitchiness, just more fun over all, and that's just not what this book is. If you're here, like I was a short time ago, because someone told you you HAVE to read this because it's a romantic comedy for people who don't like them, and therefor perfect for you, don't believe it. Skip this one, and maybe just watch The Shop Around the Corner instead.

[normal-thoughts-official]

here is the thing

when i started playing bg3, i didn't expect wyll to be so devoted to karlach. her devotion to him is a given; the guy risked his life to save her when they had literally just met. of course he matters so much to her

but wyll matched that same devotion right back, as if she had been the one to save him, even though karlach never really got the chance to do anything of that magnitude back for him

but then i think about it

mizora's punishment plays directly into wyll's worst trauma. to be suddenly branded as demonic, so people will always look at him and see that first. like his father did. like the whole city, everyone who ever knew him, did. no amount of good deeds will ever be enough to compensate for his association with evil; his soul will burn in hell and he will not be welcome anywhere because he's a greedy warlock who made his choice. i don't know if that is actually true, but he certainly thinks it to be, if anything, from his assumption that the people of the grove (whose lives he had just saved, and who had known him for at least a few days as nothing but a kind hero who looked out for them) would be unable to look past his appearance and wouldn't want him near them

and mind, mizora clearly wants wyll to stay isolated. why else would she forbid him from explaining the circumstances of his pact? what could she possibly gain from that, other than making sure he can never dispel the notion that he made a deal with the devil simply for power?

so it makes sense that that, more even than the non-consensual body modification, was the punishment. to put his warlock status on display, so that people would immediately be offput by him - and even if they aren't, he will be sure they are

his own father couldn't stand to look at him, and that was back when he had just lost an eye

but the first thing karlach tells him is this:

"Thank you for seeing me for who I really am. And... I think I can see you for who you really are, too. A hero"

obviously, it's common sense for her to see him like this after he just saved her life at great, and at the time unknown, personal cost. but it would also have been common sense for his father to know that the son he himself raised and who's nothing if not a paragon of kindness and duty wouldn't just decide to sell his soul for power out of the blue one fine day. or that, if he keeps trying to say something but can't, then there might be more to the story. for fuck's sake, he lost an eye. and yet, ulder didn't. wyll's association with the demonic was enough to dispel everything about his personhood, his values, and his actions. and now said association was branded, quite literally, on his forehead

and karlach's suffered so much at the hands of devils. just like with the other tieflings, he expects her to be unsettled by him, at the very least

but then she says that she looks at him and sees only a hero. the man who saved her. the man who cared enough to listen and do what was right. the man who sacrificed something for her, who had to make a choice no one should have to make

he had saved an entire city when he first made the pact, and yet not one soul in it was able to see that. see him

but karlach did

karlach does

and not only that. not only is she the first person in perhaps his whole life to put more weight to wyll's personhood and actions than to mizora's; but she knew he needed to hear that. she says it like someone who's trying to offer a comfort in a hopeless situation, which is exactly what she's doing. she knows that he is afraid of being rejected

and of course she does

she is the one who comes closest to fully understanding him.

can you imagine being wyll and seeing karlach's story play out in dizzyingly rapid succession in your mind? had a pretty good, happy life, then in the span of one day everything changed when she was associated with the demonic. she lost everything and everyone she ever had. from then on, she only knew one thing: to fight. no rest and no friends and no breaks, just endless, senseless fighting. her body was changed against her will. she hadn't been touched in a positive way in ten years. even fucking mizora was there

that's his story, too

sure, he might not have been literally unable to touch people, but neither was karlach when she was in hell. he's been completely alone except for mizora for the last seven years, at least in the ways that matter. nothing in his life was constant, except for the fighting and the humiliation at a devil's hand. and the loneliness

of course he thinks it's a trick. it hits too close to home

and of course he can't help but listen anyway. because wyll is nothing if not compassionate, and he's just watched a tldr of his own pain inflicted on someone else

so when karlach says that she still sees him as himself first?

he is reminded that she gets it

for the first time in seven years, he is not alone, and he is understood

of course he would do anything to keep her in his life, just as she would

in a way, she did save him, too.

(slightly late meta submission for @thekindredcollective's wyllstravaganza2024, day 19: bond)

[awakenedsalamander]

So I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time (my friends can probably attest to the fact I will talk about it unprompted) but I can’t find it way to do so concisely. Here’s my best try.

Is Mage: The Ascension (in its presentation of the Technocracy in specific) anti-science?

I don’t think so, not anymore. But I want to explain why. By the way, I have to imagine that this won’t be all that accessible if you don’t have much knowledge of Mage, but you’re free to stick around if you want to.

So, here’s the thing— the Technocratic Union is pretty much a stand-in for the advancement of the scientific method, “the Enlightenment,” all that. The whole point in the first edition of Ascension is that the Union is science, the science that dispelled notions of magic, and that this is a Bad Thing. They are oppressive, heartless, and cold. The villains, plain and simple.

In later editions, this gets softened, partly due to the notion of “Science is a conspiracy the elite uses to rule the world and keep you down” becoming less fun and more toxic as it gained more sincere believers, and partly because fans really liked the Technocracy.

I think the common read is that Ascension then took the direction of the Technocracy being anti-villains— the Union has noble goals, and many of its members are sincerely brave and compassionate, but ultimately it is too extreme, too callous. It has to be stopped.

This is, to be fair, an improvement over “science is evil,” but “science is too dangerous,” is still not great. And for a long time, this was my view on Mage: The Ascension. Fun ideas, maybe, but the core conflict of the game was just too reckless a portrayal of what seemed to me like a mirror of real-world conspiracist ideology.

And to some extent, I still think that. Especially in the early editions, this is a very fair critique. That said, the game still spoke to me as I looked into it, and for the longest time I wasn’t quite sure why. A piece of it was my own opening up to the notion of our subjective viewpoints affecting our reality— something that deserves its own rambling essay— but a related part of it was me realizing that there was something about the Technocracy that rung true to me, despite my misgivings. And I think I figured it out.

See, the Technocracy isn’t a stand-in for the scientific method, but for scientism.

If you’ve not heard the term, “scientism” is a controversial (we’ll get into why a bit later) pejorative term for the belief/perspective that science, as a body, composes essentially all useful and/or reliable knowledge about the world.

Notably, those who critique scientism rarely hold the view that scientific knowledge is bad or even inaccurate, just that it is an incomplete model of reality. This is not an anti-science position, but a skepticism towards the trust people place in its ability to solve every mystery. Vaccines, for example, are great! No one can reasonably dispute the benefits and efficacy of vaccination. When it comes to medicine, the scientific method has done incalculable good— the lives saved by vaccination alone are countless.

To be against scientism, then, is not to argue that medical science is a failure, or overrated— but to point out that there is more to life than being healthy. Everyone should be glad we have learned so much about treating illness and alleviating suffering. But what of having a sense of purpose? What about love and compassion and justice? What about satisfaction, having gone through a life worth living?

Again, none of that is to say that science or the scientific community is the problem. But if you take the Technocracy as an example of scientism gone to an extreme, one in which things like kindness and equity must be left behind in favor of only the virtue of material knowledge, I think Mage: The Ascension starts to really work.

(I originally intended to write a MUCH longer piece including references to the military-industrial complex, the rise of automation and AI, as well as the increasingly algorithmic nature of culture but this is so long already. And yet I worry I said essentially nothing. C’est la vie.)

[gplewis]

no profound need to communicate what feels like an emergency or a hibernation; no more gunning for recognition or being known; no more making facts of my having said something; no desire to be talked about tomorrow. a poetry of emptiness, of departure of...wanting to do this professionally, making a job of being a writer. i am choosing or being called to be a recluse instead, forgetting about having my voice heard; no desire to interact with anyone through writing; writing is not real communication--that is, unless it's a letter; nothing public makes sense anymore. perhaps that's a timeless line but the future never comes.

my anxiety isn't just about money; not even about love. i watched (binge-watched really, waking up on a day without work, did little but watch screens and eat snacks) Modern Love, an Amazon television series, and even the "successful" people were not happy; I mean to say, even living their life does not seem that happy. I remember ambition, flow, dissolving into the glory of presence; no, I don't mean to say this, I mean to say: even the successful life looks banal, as banal as mine (mine isn't; standing at the door of a bar which is my job currently, I am in full contact with my estrangement; ah, this is good journal, good diary, potent for a young reader to be impressed and gobsmacked by my endurance. luckily i'll forget i posted this; i post less these days; i get through the days, waiting i say for clarity, purpose, direction, a change, a new vision or story to pursue; Austin is a fine town, San Francisco is my hometown, New York is always a place to thrive if I know my hourly rate and what services I offer (my anxiety about not knowing this isn't so strong; I did meet a 48-year-old man at a bar the other night who wished, in his youth, he stayed a bum for longer, before becoming serious. "You can't go back from being serious," he said, and seemed to suggest it was always an option.

I haven't written anything in a while--maybe that's the beginning of poetry: rediscovering the blank, the eternity we all inherit with every heartbeat. My colleagues and customers aren't thinking about this stuff; it's 12:30am, they're storming the gates, stomping the police-closed streets drinking, talking, laughing, having a good time, I don't have a good time except in the pleasure of mopping, emptying trash, cranking out my duties--i don't wish i could be somewhere else, except home, doing just this: digesting avocado, watching the expanse of the clock given me before my next shift. oddly, this is the life that would work for me. this is a profession. a university professor is a profession if one can tolerate the red tape and politicking and the ceaseless capacity of middle-aged educated starlings to be self-interested and wryly defend their turf. i have judgments about certain professions; being an essayist would allow me to interview others and dispel my preconceived notions, if i wanted to live the life of the mind professionally - which i used to see myself as doing: rigorous, if not paid; athletic, if not recognized in title or remuneration. i write to discover what my anxiety really is, or i write to express love, admiration, gratitude; have i been an ingrate lately: perhaps. little emotion, no drama, accepting of the life which results from my choices. but i am aware, and i not only write but publish this, though it's been months since i was addicted and obsessed to the interchange of cognitive cogitations ~ expression is constant, and no statement will smother it; the news is reliable: companies, money, election cycles; Trump guilty on all charges, amusing and true, grand and probably inconsequential. See, I'm not a professional writer because I won't make this post right, won't revise, only dump like a child just wails and cries, no sense of recording or posterity, no sense of later. But I generate material, and perhaps it's genius to not try to make it into something it is not. You are listening to the dream, and you have your own dreams too; our inner monologues could meet, if the layers of pavement could be jackhammered through to the glowing orb of magma core.

[ikemenomegas]

Omega!Getou Suguru x Alpha!Reader

The younger years

A brief note on how I see the Alpha for the two special grades of Jujutsu High: when a person writes for Gojo, I don't think you can really untangle him from Getou. Whether you ship them or not, the fact remains that they had the biggest impact on one anothers' sense of belonging and development. Getou was Gojo's moral compass for the few years they spent together and the question he posed haunts Gojo like nothing else. Gojo was Getou's measure for power and the person he wanted to be able to stand side by side with. I also thing part of Getou's choice to leave had to do with how futile he felt Gojo being "the strongest" ended up being. Because of this, and the fact that I write the Alpha in this situation as being most easily interpreted as being part of the Gojo/Getou/Shoko class, it would be most simple to explain the situation as the Alpha being the same person, but someone who has chosen different things in each case. I have some kind of au in my mind where there is a sort of poly ship with the three of them, but since that would never happen in canon (because of canon character deaths) I do write for a similar version of the Alpha going with either one or the other, not both.

tw: mentions of canonical character death, minor implication of suicide, and spoilers for the manga if you're not caught up

Getou Suguru walks a dozen lines: between the rural village world he quickly outgrew and the world of sorcerer's that sees him as a commodity; between the world of the conservative faction and higher ups that wants to control his omega body and his own uncontrollable power; between the way he realizes he loves you and the ways he cannot say it out loud...

Suguru is used to concealing his true emotions, even from himself. He presents himself in a way he thinks others want to see him but the core of his personality is really kind and empathetic. He has a hard time balancing this with his pride though.

When he first meets you as a first year student, he doesn't think much of you, he's just watchful like he is with everyone. Once he sees you fight, he acknowledges your potential, but his being nice to you beyond the surface level takes longer.

People think that Suguru is some kind of gentle omega because he's very good at being polite and courteous in public, this notion is quickly dispelled when Suguru and Satoru fall in together and feed off of one anothers' personality and Satoru starts to indicate to his classmates the kind of people in the sorcerer's world to watch out for (safe to mock behind their backs). Honestly, it's kind of a relief to all of you...

Fighting together builds closeness quickly as you each learn to trust the others with your own lives and the quality of the class's friendship improves.

Suguru and Satoru's techniques have made them both highly ranked sorcerers from the start so things are already difficult. There's a power gap between anyone else they get paired up with so they often go together, but since you have to go on missions too you've been paired up with both at one time or another.

It's on one of the worst missions where they send you all out together so Shoko-san always has a guard that you all end up saving each others' lives. After that, things are generally more informal between you all.

Missions are still a pain though. Every one of you have AoE attacks so it can be hard to coordinate, although Satoru is the worst at figuring it out because he was trained without any pairing up.

Satoru also doesn't like to pull his punches so when you train as a class it's usually with a cursed corpse or Suguru (until Satoru gets jealous of one or both of you ignoring him and forces someone to trade off). During these sparring bouts, Suguru realizes that he actually really likes your scent and he likes how you push yourself to get better at the close combat that could really make your technique shine even though it scares you. However, he often finds himself a little disappointed afterwards since your fighting style is more focused on redirection methods at the moment so you spend a good portion of the time trying to throw him away from you.

Things start changing when the boys' get more comfortable with one another and you and Shoko and warm heats start becoming something that's obviously going to be a Thing. For omegas, the school's archaic directors don't encourage suppressing the heats, even though it's safe with the right monitoring. It's the toss up of having the two strongest students down for a few days out of every other month but the higher-ups generally conceded it's worth the break.

Suguru doesn't mean to seek you out but you all live near one another in the student housing so it happens. Warm heats make him sleepy and a little dizzy and he'll sometimes end up curled up on one of the common space couches if you've left a jacket or something around. If those things of yours disappear for a few days they always end up returned, washed and folded.

The relationships that sorcerers form are very weird (from the point of view of theoretical social outsiders)

The danger of being a sorcerer and the constant threat of an early death means that people are careful about getting close to one another. A lot of people end up avoiding acknowledging emotional closeness because they thing it's kind of an automatic curse (regret) or because they think it's not worth burdening someone with the words

Also, in the field there's an expectation of trust in whomever you're fighting alongside - ideally you should trust the person you are with to do what they can and also do whatever you can. However, sorcerers are specialized humans fighting against the embodiment of fears. Sorcerers to some extent can't trust each other to hold up 100% in the face of that and fighting styles and techniques can be so individual it becomes impossible to fight alongside someone else

But people still have needs or desires for emotional and physical intimacy and this isn't exclusive to omegas or alphas and their particular brand of physical needs

When you notice Suguru taking your clothes, you treat it more like family members giving one another things to bring to their nest. It's not a courting thing, but he ends up with a blanket of yours that's in his room more often than not and he'll put some of his things into your laundry with the silent intent of stealing it back later.

When he doesn't want to be harassed by alphas in the the non-sorcerer world, he'll come out with you if there's no other group to be with or Satoru isn't in town

If you're both at the school and it isn't busy, he asks you if you mind if he doesn't wear scent blockers while at the dorm, which is typical for home-life in family homes but he asks, which comes off as polite and doesn't have to mean anything

You all eat together often so it's not weird if you know his food preferences and he knows yours

Sharing music comes naturally. He's more of an introvert and you all study together so it's not anything specific when you start sharing headphones

If he starts falling asleep next to you the morning after a bad night, well he and Satoru have fallen asleep on each other on the train too so it's not anything particular.

Except he wants it to be. Maybe. He's still a sorcerer and you're all barely crossing sixteen so does he get to want this? He's starting to want something and he doesn't know if you want the same thing. (He doesn't know if Satoru knows he wants the same thing too...)

And then Riko happens. Riko happens and Satoru almost dies and he isn't allowed to die, you almost die and everything starts to fall apart.

The last year, the higher-ups start sending him on a lot of individual missions or missions with people who essentially stood back and watched. You start getting sent out with weaker teams to even the odds. You're with him sometimes but it's not enough.

You're still at the school more often than Satoru but it's not enough. He wants different things from you and Satoru and Suguru isn't enough.

He hides when his first full heat hits. He makes Shoko give him scent blockers and safe suppressants and against all instinct to find you, he hides.

When you see him afterwards, a mistake brought on by being too tired to sense you near, he tells you he's fine. You don't believe him, but he's come to you before when something is wrong. He may not tell you what's going on, but he's sought you out in the months since the merger failed. You think that whatever it is, you have more time.

He just nudges against your shoulder and shuffles to his room to sleep off the exhaustion. You bring him a bottle of water and leave him alone. Is that the moment? If you'd read the tension in his shoulders and stayed, would that have been enough?

He's exhausted body and soul when he finds Mimiko and Nanako, when he makes his decision and disappears

You see him only once after that. Shoko sends you a picture while she's waiting for you to meet up. It just says "shinjuku".

There is one world in which you run. You don't know where you're going. You can't feel him. You have no idea where to find him. But you run up a crowded street and from the shadows, Suguru lets you run by him and sees tears on your cheeks.

In another though, you come from the other direction and he stops you, just the barest flicker of his energy appearing, like his hand brushing your arm, and you stop like he knew, like he hoped, you would, and ask him a question.

[polyamzeal]

Musings on Unicorn Hunters

After answering an ask from a Unicorn Hunter the other day, I was very reflective on how to help Unicorn Hunters not face so much hate. So I went to other social medias and spoke about the ask, the advice I gave, and a request to better understand Unicorn Hunters. I wanted to know their thought process and opinions on various things. Here is what a I learned.

That was a terrible idea!

Not because of the replies that Unicorn Hunters gave, the few that did actually gave me good insights. No my problem was underestimating the pure hate and vitriol that the general polyamory community has for Unicorn Hunters in general. It seems that even implying that they are still people who deserve basic human dignity and respect was deplorable. It was only acceptable to strictly treat them as monsters and predators who only want to hurt others and revel in their selfishness. Me trying to offer an olive branch to such demons to better understand their side of the story seemed to mark me as some kind of traitor.

This was all really ridiculous. Unicorn Hunters are people too, each with their own unique combination of feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Yet as soon as someone is identified as a Unicorn Hunter a good portion of the community will ignore everything else they say and jump on them with a pre-scripted response they send to everyone. Completely ignoring what makes these people different from other Unicorn Hunters or how they saturation differs from the stereotype. 

I get that they all follow a similar pattern that almost always leads to people getting hurt. But I don’t really think any of them are ever trying to hurt people on purpose! It is born from ignorance. I have always felt it was better to tell people to know what they are getting themselves into if they agree to be a unicorn than just yelling at people to not unicorn hunter. We have all been told that the way we love is not acceptable and did any of us listen? There have been cases where a monogamous relationships opens up to a closed triad and everyone lived happily ever after. It is very rare but it does happen. How is it to fair just scream at Unicorn Hunters that what they want almost always hurts people so they must stop trying to do it right now? If that is what they really want I would rather educate them on how to be more ethical. How to dispel preconceived notions they have. And to consider other options that might make everyone happier.

What I actually did learn

There were a few interesting ideas that did come out of the conversation. The biggest was about friendship. When I became polyamous it made me completely rethink how I viewed friendships and romantic relationships. I leaned into more of a relationship-anarchist approach. But I realized not everybody has this same awakening. Combine that with the fact that most long-term monogamous couples tend to lose drift away from friends and sometimes even family to become a true nuclear family unit. It made me question if there isn’t a decent portion of Unicorn Hunters that think they want the companionship of a “third” but actually they just need a bigger friend group. If Unicorn Hunters have no real close friends then I highly suggest to just try making more friends firsts before trying to another romantic/sexual relationship into the mix. I am sure this sounds like silly advice but I honestly think it might help a lot.

There was one more comment I liked a lot. I often tell people to prepare for every situration and think out you would react but someone gave great examples.

Go ahead and ask unicorn hunters if they are prepared to have no solo dates, no solo sex, no long term plans, no holidays, no friends groups that identify them as together, no informed family, move into separate homes until the unicorn they seek feels that each partner connects with them at the same speed/extent... Heads explode...

These are important to ask.

What do all of you think? Am I being to nice to Unicorn Hunters? Am I too optimistic in thinking I can rehabilitate them? Should I just attack and demonize them like the rest of polyamory community since we are all such a bastion of support and understanding of alternate lifestyles? Against my better judgement, I open myself to these criticisms. Because I truly feel like we can all just do better than this!

[entreecanibales]

Hannibal and Will in Season 2 - Love, Lies and Reassurances

I have written this post to disprove the notion that Will didn't run away with Hannibal because Hannibal didn't show him he was special or try to reassure him of his feelings.

Let's start with the prison arc. Hannibal shows his regret at having had to send Will to prison. He tells Will that all the conversations that they had were to open Will's eyes to who he really is. He stresses that Will is his friend. He tells Will to allow him to help him and to trust him.

We see Will is suspicious at first, but when Hannibal tries to get Will to ascertain his innocence by blaming it on Matthew Brown, we see that he considers that Hannibal might be genuine. He asks how far Hannibal would go to help him. Hannibal tells him that he wanted to dispel Will's doubts in him once and for all and that he wants Will to believe in the best of him just as he believes in the best of Will. Hannibal tells him that he doesn't want Will in prison and further urges Will to use the defense that Matthew Brown is the real Copy Cat.

Will's dream about the Ravenstag leading him out of the cell while Hannibal tries to get him to go back in shows his confusion. The Ravenstag is the symbol of their connection, as Bryan Fuller confirmed. Will sees evidence that Hannibal does want to help him but he still has doubts about it.

Hannibal goes on the stand to Will's defense and kills the judge after he throws out his testimony so that the trial is declared a mistrial and so Will isn't found guilty. Then he goes over the top in getting Will out of prison after Will sends Matthew Brown to kill him. He puts himself under suspicion and puts himself in danger doing so - since the list of suspects for the Copy Cat and the Ripper both are very narrow, that puts Hannibal in an insecure position. What if Chilton was exonerated? Hannibal could be put under arrest, or worse.

Consider also that Hannibal gives up the title of Chesapeake Ripper to exonerate Will and gave it to Chilton, a man he barely respects. In season 1, we see how angry he was when Gideon took the credit and disrespected his identity. This is a big sacrifice he made for Will.

We see Will beginning to understand that what Hannibal was doing was all to help him. He tells Chilton that Hannibal didn't simply kill him because he wanted to be his friend. When he confronts Hannibal in the kitchen, he echoes Hannibal's words back to him. "You wanted me to embrace my nature, doctor. I'm just following these urges I've kept down for so long, cultivating them as the inspirations they are." He has a dream about Hannibal telling him he loves him and that he wants him to reach his true potential. He tells Peter that he's unable to hate Hannibal, but he still wants revenge. He concocts a plan to lure Hannibal with Jack, "You have to create a reality where only you and the fish exist". A plan where Hannibal becomes so dependent on Will's friendship that it will get him caught.

When Will learns of Randall, his immediate reaction is jealousy. "How many have there been? Like Randall Tier? Like me?"

But Hannibal goes on to make it clear to Will he's not just another Randall. Firstly, he sent Randall to Will after Will said him he longed for the feeling of power from killing someone and that Hannibal stopping him killing Ingram was a mistake. Then he makes clear to Will that Randall was more important for what purpose he served to Will, for the purpose of his rebirth into a killer - and bandages Will's hands gently after Will returns the body. We see Will in good humour, so he doesn't hold it against Hannibal, and he says that now they're even. He recognises it as a correspondence between equals.

In Naka-Choko, Will becomes territorial when Alana inquires into their relationship and smiles smugly at her while telling her that he and Hannibal know where they stand with each other. Hannibal does not attempt to support Alana, and stops having dinners with her together with Will after that. Hannibal has a good gauge on Will's feelings and doesn't want to necessarily make Will ill at ease.

After Will brings Hannibal the fake Freddie meat, we see Hannibal giving Will the knife while revealing his wrist scars to him. This is an expression of trust. They cook together and eat Randall together, and Hannibal asks Will if this meal is an act of god at the end. This is the first inklings of Hannibal seeing Will as his god.

In Ko No Mono, Hannibal tells Will that blood and breath are only elements undergoing change to fuel his radiance. Will smiles at this before his face drops because he knows he has to trap Hannibal. They talk about Mischa after that, Hannibal is baring himself to Will, revealing to him what he hasn't to anyone else. Hannibal is upset by Will's tears when they talk about Abigail and tells him that a teacup might still come together, hinting that Abigail is alive. This is also the episode where Hannibal digs up the fake Freddie to make an effigy for Will, and Will is touched by Hannibal's gift.

In Tome Wan, Will is angry after Margot's mutilation and sets up Hannibal. He tells Hannibal that he took everyone away from Will so that Will can't have anyone but Hannibal. Will then tells Hannibal that they're alone, that they're both alone without each other. It's important to remember Will is also manipulating Hannibal here. He tells Hannibal that they're alone without each other, strengthening Hannibal's dependency on him so Hannibal can't have anyone else, as he started out to do with the luring plot. These words - "We're alone without each other" is also proof that Will knows he fulfills a unique position for Hannibal, that Hannibal wants to be seen by him and only him.

We see Will unable to kill Hannibal when Mason has him captured, and Hannibal places himself in a vulnerable position again by tilting his head up to allow Will to slit his throat. Will frees him instead, and Hannibal takes Mason to Will's house where Hannibal snaps his neck.

At the end of the episode, Hannibal and Will have a talk where Hannibal compares their bond to Achilles and Patroclus. "Achilles wished all Greeks could die so he and Patroclus could conquer Troy alone". This is a reassurance to Will. "I took everyone else away from you so that we can conquer the world together. Because I want you by my side while the whole world can burn." Will takes advantage of this by trying to get him to kill Jack so that he can catch Hannibal in the act, proving he understood what Hannibal was getting at.

Hannibal was also drawing the famous artwork "Achilles lamenting the death of Patroclus". Achilles went almost mad with grief after Patroclus died. Considering that Hannibal places himself in the role of Achilles and Will in the role of Patroclus, this is further reassurance to Will that Hannibal values his life and doesn't simply see him as a plaything.

I've seen people say that Will thought he's not special because Hannibal killed Abigail who he claimed to love - what if he did the same to Will? But Will thinks Hannibal killed Abigail because she was a liability. Considering Hannibal didn't kill Will even though Will is an immense danger to him, that places Will in a unique and privileged position. Will also thinks Hannibal killed Abigail so he could have Will to himself. This just enforces Will's specialness to Hannibal.

Hannibal couldn't have told Will about Abigail because Will could go with him just to protect Abigail. This could spiral out of control if they formed a team against him. Hannibal wants Will to choose the life of murder because he wants it, not for any other reason.

Finally let us consider that Hannibal was willing to forgo his life in Baltimore for Will. He burnt down about 20 years of his life all for Will.

So we have Hannibal showing Will, throughout the whole season, that Will is special to him, both through words and deeds. And Will understanding that and taking advantage of it to have his revenge on Hannibal. Will might still have had doubts, but not because Hannibal didn't make an effort to reassure Will of his feelings.

[formashimataichi]

hello. im not too much into the circle of fandom but is it true that chihaya was told she needs to have a suitable relationship with taichi if she wants to know more about his life? i feel very confused over that line because i felt friendship was just important as romance for sensei so this quite jarring for me. and one more question if you don’t mind, but when do you think her feelings went from arata to taichi? the confession from what I read was lacking any content from her end.

I'm waiting for proper translations to come out, but from what I understand I think what Taichi says to Chihaya before she confesses to him is supposed to dispel the notion that she can't know certain things about his life because she's only a "friend" (which is something Tsutomu says to her when she finds out belatedly from the club advisor that Taichi's going to university in Kyoto). Taichi paraphrases what Chihaya said in their childhood about them always being able to see each other again so long as they have karuta, and personally I believe he says that because it doesn't even phase him to think of the distance between Tokyo and Kyoto as something unsurpassable. A huge focal point of his character arc (and for any of the trio's character arcs, really) has been learning to be okay with distance and taking it as a fact of life that's bearable and possible to overcome if some lifeline to overcome it exists and is maintained. I know some people are worried that him not telling Chihaya about where he's going to university is a sign of him regressing into imposed isolation again, but with the ultimate conclusions the last chapter is making about the story, I really do believe it's more emblematic of him being at peace with himself. The distance no longer scares him because he knows he'll always return. I don't think he perceives moving to Kyoto for university as being this huge, insurmountable thing so much as it is another movement forward in his life just as Chihaya and Arata's entrances into university are movements forward in theirs. The friendship between the three of them is strange and unique in that its punctuated by a lot of distance, and ultimately the solution to overcoming that distance isn't actually to do so physically or verbally, but to do so by way of faith. They have impenetrable faith in their bonds with each other, so that anxiety that existed prior about them not being able to maintain those bonds has finally begun to fade.

As for Chihaya's feelings, I'm not sure. I used to be of the belief prior that the nature of her response (or lack thereof) to Taichi's confession in comparison to her surety with regards to her feelings about Arata meant that the love triangle ended then and there, or that it never existed, and maybe I do still maintain the latter belief, just in a more roundabout way. I do think Chihaya has always been sure of what she's felt for Arata, in the sense that he's someone who introduced her to this whole world and who inspired her to push for her own dreams and to reach for that lofty peak. I do think Chihaya is someone who's never concerned herself with putting up a romantic fight between Arata and Taichi, because each of them are important to her in their respective ways. I do think Chihaya has spent a long time re-evaluating what place Taichi has in her life ever since it's revealed to both of them that their communication with each other is masked and stricken. But I guess the conclusion I'm coming to in light of this final chapter is that none of these things are necessarily mutually exclusive of each other. I don't think it's as if Chihaya's feelings for either boy are light switches to be turned on and off with respect to each other. Romance in real life doesn't work that way. It doesn't have strict structure or parameters as defined by the expected requirements of a story. Feelings shift and change and are muddled all along the way. The heart bows to no one other than its own haphazard whims. I don't know that we've ever needed to know when exactly it was that Chihaya established a certain perspective with regards to her feelings for either boy. The timing has never been important in comparison to the experience itself. Youth comes many times. You can experience it many, many times, so make sure you work hard each of those times, okay? Those are the words that keep playing over and over in my head and that I feel are more emblematic of the story as a whole than anything else. It's not about maintaining structure in all aspects of your life. It's about endeavoring to be honest with yourself so that the moments and emotional experiences you exist within you can wholeheartedly appreciate.

[dirhwangdaseul-archived]

fucking secret crush on you man, fucking secret crush on you, these kids keep reminding me how much truth hey put into every one of his words, i love how the series adores their lack of emotional restraint, i love how reactive and unhinged they are i really do but it comes from the fact that they could never want anything else but to be true to themselves but it still has made for really fucked up things to become part of the way they see themselves, they're such a contrast to the popular kids who love double entendre, that do one thing but mean another, they enjoy that game cause in the end they're also looking to be true to themselves but my kind rejected kids, they're so aware of the fact that all they get to do to exist is play a role

they do not believe in anything else for themselves and when romantic love came to dispel them of those notions they still can't let go of all the things they convinced themselves

so ofc som and jao and toh notice daisy changing in an unnatural way and so they're conflicted but understand where he might be coming from, after all, every single one of them knows the cost of being themselves and no one else, they know that it has meant being left out of so much because even when they don't care about others perceptions that is never enough to allow them to just exist with others

and well... this is something ive come to realise that i love about thai bls, and i believe it's not unique but probably more pronounced probably because of the way these series aim to insert themselves proper in the public sphere, but theres always such an emphasis in the community of a person (whether it's family, friends, teachers, classmates, coworkers and bosses, and priests and monks) reaffirming the love of the couples, love between two people cannot thrive properly without that attention, and it's not just the romantic love, it's nuea's parents telling toh to trust himself to be good enough and even when he does in the future, he needed to hear that from nuea's dad, and daisy had been shown to be proud of herself but she still needed to be reminded that her worth is not tied to people that aren't the people that truly know her and so she doesn't need to play a role, she just needs to be herself, because these four friends have put so much heart into their group friend they also tell her that whoever she decides to be they will be there but that it has to be true to herself, and it mirrors toh! toh who quickly forgot all of nuea's love and so he felt that if others said he would be worthless specially against nuea's family grandeur it had to be true but even in that setting and nuea's dad knowing it all too well he still told toh to know that he by himself is good and he was so gentle about it, and so was som who kept pushing for the truth as nuea's parents did so they could let toh be true to himself in front of them, and the clothes showing how much these kids play role so acutely self conscious

idk thai bl series, and today with special adoration to its characters and their echoes irl they, find ways to tell you to know you're worthy of all by virtue of being you and at the same time that if you forget it, you don't have to worry, not for a second for there are other people who will remind you that you are, and will always be, worthy of all by virtue of being you and no one else

"we're with you. doesn't matter which versions of you that you choose to be"

[starleska]

when Logic twists: an analysis of Logan, cognitive distortions, and a future Side

spoilers ahead! this is a little deep-dive into some foreshadowing in the latest Sanders Sides episode, and what i believe the team are going for in terms of Logan’s arc. just some thoughts i had after the episode - i hope you enjoy, and would love to hear your thoughts too :) tw for discussion around mental illness, trauma, abuse, intrusive thoughts, therapy, etc. 

so, we all know that Thomas does a marvellous job portraying difficulties with mental health. he uses interactions between his Sides to carve out fun stories that dramatise the the internal struggles which come with facing complex situations, including those which arise from your specific history and mental illnesses. the writing behind Sanders Sides often uses consideration of real symptoms and therapeutic techniques in order to impart useful advice to the audience who may be struggling with similar issues. with all of this in mind, i thoroughly believe that a good chunk of you are correct about this new Side (foreshadowed in Logan’s eyes) being Wrath, or some variant of Stress or Anger, and here’s why: 

Logan is the side of Thomas which is constantly needing to pick up the slack. not only does he spend a good deal of his time de-escalating conflict between the other Sides, he is constantly letting his own dreams (and consequently, needs) fall by the wayside to comfort, validate and assist Thomas' overall desires. we even literally see him benched during the court case with Janus - his input is considered unimportant unless he is deemed as the voice of reason. with this understanding, Logan is viewed by the other Sides as a Side who doesn’t need help. He’s Logic, so they believe he always knows what is appropriate, and how to control himself - or even that he doesn’t need to control himself at all.  yet i don’t believe this to be the case, and i think ‘Working THROUGH Intrusive Thoughts’ foreshadows this in an intriguing way: by utilising the dynamic between Logan and Remus. for context, i am speaking as an individual who suffers from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), a form of PTSD. whilst the Thomas we know in the Sanders Sides universe is of course somewhat sanitised and simplified for the easier imparting of moral lessons, we know that this Thomas suffers from issues with intrusive thoughts, low self-esteem, and high anxiety. whether or not these can all be attributed to an underlying condition is irrelevant, but what is intriguing is whether these symptoms are being exacerbated by traumatic, triggering or otherwise stressful events affecting Thomas’ life - which, based on the direction ‘Working THROUGH Intrusive Thoughts’ went (using the relationship with Nico as a conduit), i think is true. when you experience a number of traumatic events or an acute amount of stress, your Logic can become faulty. let’s think about Logan not as a super-genius who just knows what is the correct thing to do all of the time: his knowledge comes from a bank of information and experiences, which he constantly uses to provide a ‘rational’ stance next to the more ‘emotional’ traits of each Side. yet Logic relies on evidence in order to build up this ‘rationality’. let’s think about a scenario wherein you are told every day by someone that you are ugly. now, if this occurred later in life, your Logic might have already rationalised that this is not the case - that you are beautiful just as you are, that this person is seeking to hurt you, that they are projecting, etc. your Logic would make those reasonable counterpoints based on past experience. however, if you were told by multiple people throughout your life, every day, that you are ugly - say, from caregivers, or close friends - you would internalise ‘i am ugly’ as part of that internal Logic. in the first scenario, you would be able to accurately evaluate the thought, ‘i am ugly’ as a cognitive distortion. however, in the latter scenario, you may be unable to, because you have this bank of ‘evidence’ that other people perceive this as reality. even if those people are abusers, or have an ulterior motive, the notion will be internalised and become your reality - so your Logic will say, ‘i am ugly, based on all of the evidence.’  i find this interesting because in this latest episode, they specifically had Logan call attention to cognitive distortions. we must remember that Logan is a part of Thomas. this is Thomas attempting to rationalise with himself, to implement mindfulness and CBT techniques which he knows to be successful, because they have worked in the past and he has it on scientific authority that they help with intrusive thoughts. but this leads us to a question: what happens when you experience so many traumatic events, or so much stress, that your Logic turns against you and begins to validate your intrusive thoughts?  imagine for a moment Logan’s awesome rational power - but levied in support of all of Thomas’ deepest fears. in my own experience with CPTSD, a horribly thorny mental trap is the one you fall into when you start down the path of ‘i must be a horrible person, just like they said. i must have deserved everything done to me. look at all of the evidence.’ these thoughts often appear rational due to the intense nature of the sufferer’s pain, particularly if that pain is repeated or prolonged. i believe that Logan’s outburst, paired with Thomas’ fretting over not receiving a call back from Nico, are supposed to represent the building stages of this mental trap. such thoughts are difficult to emerge from, but they become even more difficult to deal with when met with a powerful emotion: Rage. if you have cause to think thoughts of the ‘i am a disgusting human being’ variety thanks to trauma, stress or similar negative events, often there is a good deal of pent-up Rage stored alongside. justifiable Rage, one might say - it certainly feels so in the mind of someone who has suffered so terribly. if one is prone to hating themselves, feeling inadequate or other fertile breeding ground for intrusive thoughts, they may also sometimes snap into the opposite extreme - becoming infuriated by everything that has happened to them, and that they are still needing to deal with yet more pain in the present. this is something i have suffered from personally: when mixed with trauma, it is equal parts emotional dysregulation, and being triggered by something. you might be enRaged by the idea that you were ever ‘passive’ as a victim of something terrible, and want to ‘fight back’. in other words, the emotional state of your Rage will feel justified - and this can cause you to engage in some deeply destructive behaviours. this is why i believe this new Dark Side will be Rage (or an equivalent). Logan’s ‘STOP IGNORING ME!’ speaks of a breaking point brought on by years of fixing other people’s problems, only to receive very little in return. there’s a misconception that people who are ‘good’ at handling stress or fixing other people’s problems (i.e., not showing much of the strain) are simply less stressed as a whole, and therefore should be saddled with yet more stress. Logan’s screaming at Remus, and Remus’ delight at Logan’s response, shows us that Logan is exhausted from all of the hard work that he’s had to do in order to fight Thomas’ intrusive thoughts and cognitive distortions, alongside the massive amount of stress in his life. likewise, by giving into his impulsivity and opening up more opportunities for further stress, Thomas has allowed Logan - and his Logic - to become vulnerable to Remus and intrusive thoughts. Logan may have successfully been able to dispel the intrusive thoughts which had no basis in reality (for instance, a murderer hiding in Thomas’ closet) - but what happens if Thomas is given validation for an intrusive thought? in other words - what if Logan feels he has reason to listen to Remus? i believe this Rage has been simmering within Thomas for a long time, and his debut is going to be explosive. there are lots of ways this debut could be written; some have theorised that Logic and Rage will be a kind of antithesis to the Creativitwins, wherein the two are fused as Thomas has internalised his Rage as having a Logical root. this would have Rage not as a separate side, but a kind of version or alternate mindset for Logan, a bit like how he was when in Virgil’s room. i would not be surprised at all for this episode to include both Remus and Janus - Remus, revelling in the intrusive thoughts which Logan/Rage is now allowing to fly free, and Janus, delighting in Logan/Rage’s validation of destructive behaviours, which may well include Deceit. i could also see Virgil being drawn in by this irresistible combination of Anxiety-fuelling thoughts - intrusive thoughts inspiring inadequacy, Deceit inspiring fear of being found out, and the terror of Logic being twisted to validate every fear Virgil has ever had for Thomas. you know when someone has hurt you really badly, and so in your head you come up with countless (awful, unrealistic, hurtful) ways to ‘get back at them’? that’s what i think the next Sanders Sides episode is going to be like.  of course, like Anxiety, Intrusive Thoughts and Deceit, Rage will have his uses too. i believe, if any of this theorising is correct, that the next Sanders Sides episode will follow a narrative discussing if Rage is justified when one is hurt to a massive extreme, and what Logic can one follow when it backs up every destructive impulse. are you being Logical if you are full of Rage? basically, i think Logan (influenced by a breaking point and giving over to Rage) is going to do everything in his power to be destructive, under the idea that it is the only Logical thing to do. i believe he will fall to the horrific power of cognitive distortions and mental illness, and that the other Sides will need to use their strengths to bring him back. anyway, that’s all my thoughts! my apologies for any inaccuracies, or if anything in here was upsetting. i’d love to hear what you think about this, and your own theories! :D take care 💏

[nightswithkookmin]

What you think of fetus V who said in front of everyone "You seem to really like men" to Jimin? Youthful ribbing? Or a moment of insensitivity ? FWI saying you like girls or guys? Or calling close same sex friends u a couple? is actually common where am from. This has happened in my friend circle too actually. Except all of us are hets so no one take it seriously. Cant think a closeted person would find it that funny. Jimins lack of denial or even laughing it off always stood out to me tho.

What do I think of that comment?

I think we both know very often when people say they think a man likes men, they mean to say they think that man is Gay and very often when the g-word is used in a sentence, it is not meant as a compliment- imma give it to you straight, no bs. Lol.

The parlance gay and variations of it, in my opinion, is often used ubiquitously and traditionally as a slur slang among ignorant, non-progressive, anti homosexual individuals and is often rooted in malice.

And when malice isn't intended, ridicule is. The sad fact is, people adopt the terminology as ammunition to blatantly attack, dehumanize, belittle and strip away the dignity of queer folks and when the term is used in reference to non queer people it has a similar effect. It degrades them as well through the irony and humor of comparing them to gay people.

Gay jokes, if you will, is a subtle art of passive aggressively slurring gay folks if you think about it. I mean let's be honest.

Personally, I don't think Tae's intentions in that moment were malicious at all. I don't think he blurted out those words with the intension to ridicule Jimin either- stay with me. It will make sense in a bit.

But he called Jimin gay nevertheless. His comment if a joke, I'm afraid, reinforces these bizzare stereotypes of masculinity and promotes toxic rhetorics prevalent especially within Kpop shipping communities where every Male idol interaction is hyper sexualised and romanticized thus, suggesting a man cannot love another man, be affectionate or be fond of them unless they secretly lusted after them and harbored a desire to lay down pipes in their behinds- which, honestly is crazy coming from a guy with a cultural background such as the Korean culture where kinship is commonplace but more on that later.

I think whatever which way we want to look at it, it was an insensitive comment especially if you believe he meant it as a joke. It was definitely not his most woke moment, socially and culturally- and that's putting it lightly.

That 'gay' comment to me is right up there with all the problematic statements some, if not all, of the members have made over the years- the colorism, racist jokes, the ' eww, you too black,' 'akekeke- you too tanned shoo,' implying if you're black or tanned you are ugly. The fat jokes, the misogyny and misogynior- please don't ask me to give you examples of these. I don't want to ruin BTS for you. Lol.

There are commentaries on these out there on the internet. You can look it up for yourselves- You welcome. Lol.

For the record, BTS have since retracted, acknowledged and apologized for most of these questionable moments throughout the years and so we cannot hold it against them, forever- not to make excuses for them but they are human too. They learn, they unlearn, they make mistakes, they correct them, they grow and as NamJoon said, they really were a bit 'unsophisticated' and rough around the edges in their earlier years- even if it was just five years ago from now, chilee. They is a mess. Lmho.

I think it's all part of the human process honestly- don't worry BTS, I have a lot of space in my heart for y'all to be human and still love ya. Keep going sweeties. Y'all's doing greatness de la grande kind!! Bless y'all.

In V's case he was, since that incident, put as a judge on a show that allegedly featured queer folks and he seemed more welcoming of them than the other judges on the panel, excluding RM of course.

A year later, he would make a song that the LBGTQ plus fraction of Army would rally behind as a highly pro gay song- Stigma, which I find debatable but whatever. I mean, just because JK has stars, clouds and the sky in his lyrics don't make him an astronaut or an environmentalist fighting the good cause for the climate but to each his own.

Stigma was still something, I'll give him that.

Flashforward to five years later, and he would be recommending songs by gay artists, appreciating and promoting gay art and the artists behind them, sporting rainbow outfits, designing a BT21 character that is genderless, incorporating sign language in his speeches- he polished up. Woke the hell up. Politically correct. Yadda yadda yadda.

I think, like some of the others, he too learned his lesson. It's not ok to trivialize the oppression of others or make light of it-

Now that we've gotten the woke bit out of the way, on to our shipping business. Follow me, chop chop. Lol.

Firt of all, I don't think that moment is a big deal. But I find it interesting nonetheless.

Do I think Tae was teasing Jimin in that moment when he made that statement? It's not quite easy as yes or no.

Personally, I think he was clocking him.

This interview was conducted at a point in the timeline where I feel Jimin was shedding his image as the Maknae obsessed hyung in the group. He was coming into his own and embracing himself for who he is and that I think included his sexuality.

Prior to, he had in my opinion, since debut, slipped into the role of the queer jest of the group supplying queer humor and entertainment for listeners at radio shows by offering himself up for ridicule as the 'gay guy' within the group- I hated every bit of it. Lol.

You'd often hear the members refer to him as the one good with the guys, the boy in love with the Maknae- There is still a fraction of Army that see him as this persona but he has since outgrown that label and that phase.

RM was basically the Black jest of the group, offering himself up for ridicule for his darker skin tone right down to his blaccent. Can you do your black accent? They will ask him at interviews and he would proceed to deliver a walmart version of the Black American English. Sigh.

Compared to the previous year where he literally gasped and panicked when the members hinted at his sexuality or made statements that put his sexuality into question, Jimin seemed more in control and mentally prepared during this interview.

When the question was asked of him, the question of why he liked JK, his instincts it seemed was to steer the conversation away from his sexuality- a tactic the rest of the members would employ to avoid discussing Jikook a few months from that interview...

I mean, when Tae asked Jimin on JK's birthday that same year what he wanted to give JK, RM cut in before JM answered. Jimin had done the same thing when in an interview JK was asked if Jimin wasn't his style and JK was stuttering not knowing what to say in response. JM asked him not to answer the question.

When interviewers ask these questions, they do so for entertainment purposes- because who doesn't like gay jokes, amirite?

For heterosexual idols I assume it's not slippery slope for them to engage in these kinds of humor. They can play gay without risking exposing their heterosexuality and when they do play gay it's for jest.

It's not the same for queer idols I think.

Jimin was basically done being the butt of the gay jokes in 2015, he was done selling himself as the JK shit rainbows and I'm the unicorn fixated on him kinda person and it reflected in that conversation.

'I don't like everything about this boy. He ain't all that. But he is the Maknae and he cute so whatever' lol.

Like I said, I think Jimin was steering the conversation away from his sexuality but Tae's comment steered the conversation right back to it. 'I just think he likes men.'

Most South Koreans I've met in person and on the internet spend a considerable amount of time and energy trying to dispel the western notion of gayness projected on to Korean men for their skinship culture.

We like to glamorize gayness in these streets but in reality gay is stigmatized especially in places like South Korea. People don't readily read gay in Male interactions unless they were being homophobic or socially unaware.

To me, Tae's statement was more of an observation about Jimin, one which he felt a need to contribute to the discussion they were having, perhaps to provide insight into the inner workings of Jimin rather than as a joke or jest- or may be he did both.

Jimin managed to avoid opening himself up for the gay jokes and to this Tae then responded, I just think you is gay sir- The emphasis has been mine. Lol.

The thing about Tae is, in the earlier days he used to have a habit of 'exposing' Jimin whenever Jimin told half truths and what not.

For example, in 2014 during an interview when JM was asked what he wanted to do on his free days he had said he wanted to spend time with his family or something and Tae immediately checked him saying he was lying. Jimin then said he wanted to be with Jungkook which had JK fuming.

Was he teasing JM when he called him out for lying about his true desires? May be but I think he meant it too. Know what I mean?

He did the same thing when during their Paris VLive, Jimin got nervous when JK was singing 'know you love me boy, so that I love you,' in the background and Tae asked Jimin if he was nervous. Jimin snapped out of whatever whipped trance he was in and asked 'why would I be nervous' or something along those lines.

Why would Tae assume JM was nervous listening to another man sing? And why would Jimin be nervous in the first place?

And if at an interview Jimin is asked, why don't you like listening to the Maknae sing and JM responded that he is cute but he can't sing and Tae says well I think listening to Jk sing makes him nervous- would that be youthful ribbing or tea? Do you see where I'm going with this?

I see Tae as very observant- If not more observant than Jk. Their jokes are punchier because it is rooted in truth. He is stating his opinion, his observations and when he felt JM's answers were dishonest or inconsistent of his general notion of him, he called him out on that.

It's like him saying JM likes to pretend to be drunk in order to tell Tae he loves him- allegedly. Was it funny, yes. Was it a lie? I don't think so.

Jimin likes to pretend, we been knew. His boyfriend don spilled that tea already. I mean Jk said JM faked being asleep when he noticed the cameras filming him. He said also JM knows he is cute so sometimes he intentionally acts cute.

Tae used to tease Jimin a lot- hell he still teases him a lot to this day. Lol. Had Jimin looking at the back of his head like he wanted to quick punch him in the throat in the recent run, chilee. Lmho.

But you gotta ask, where is the lie in all those jokes?

The question I ask myself, and I think we ought to ask ourselves as shippers is, what about Jimin gave Tae that impression of him in the first place?

What made Tae, coming from a culture and background where 'gay' is a taboo and skinship is prevalent assume that if Jimin liked JK then it was because he liked men or was gay?

Even if Tae meant it as a Joke- no one laughed. Lol. That awkward silence that ensued... now that's how you know he had deadass made a 'gay comment' for real. Lmho.

They were all silent, waiting for JM's response and only laughed when JM responded to Tae- isn't that how it usually goes when you are the one queer person at the het dinner table? The tasteless jokes, awkward silences and stares? Just me? Oh, never mind then. Keep reading. Lol.

Imagine if JM hadn't responded or had gay panicked like he did a year before that interview, when RM revealed JK had been sneaking into JM's bed at night?

Dude was legit ready to throw JK under the bus had it not been for the shady camera guy behind the cameras. Deadass, Jimin was pointing accusing fingers at JK and everything- so much for gay love. Lmho.

The question still remains, what makes you look at your heterosexual friend and go- hey, that's gay. Think about it.

If Tae thought Jimin liked men, even as a joke, it's probably because Jimin had been giving him a reason or reasons to believe he actually liked boys beyond the usual daily doze of gay prevalent within K-culture.

It's similar to JK feeling uncomfortable when Jimin in 2014 described their relationship as one between love and friendship. Jimin responding with male friends can love eachother too without being gay would imply JK was interpreting his words and actions towards him as laced with romantic and sexual subtext or intent.

Now why would JK assume this if men touching men and feeling up on eachother in their culture was a normal thing?

There are gay men in Korea you know?

Tae and Kook were both hyper aware and curious of Jimin's sexuality in that period- for different reasons of course. In my opinion.

Not sure if Jimin's androgynous features played a role in these suspicions and assumptions they had of him in the early days because androgynousity in men is often ignorantly profiled and stereotyped as queer.

Tae seemed convinced JM was queer at least and JK was projecting his own queerness on to Jimin a lot- cough, cough.

It seemed to me also that Tae for whatever reason had the impression JM had a thing for him? I'll save my VMin agenda for delulu Fridays but chilee I don't know, Jimin has been on an agenda to friendzone that man since those manly mans thawed off his chest. Lol.

VMIN... ok.

I mean Jimin's response to Tae was more to deflate Tae's ego than to deflect or evade the issue and I wonder why. 'You are so full of yourself' 'I may like men, but I don't like you' and Tae responds with 'really' as if he's been challenged or dared- ever had your straight friends assume you like them just because you are queer?

Anywho, for whatever reason, Jimin seemed to be the only member in the group around the early days whose words and actions were put through the queer litmus test.

Also, I think a distinction ought to be made between calling two same sex friends a couple and calling them gay.

Calling two friends a couple is inconsequential- except when their sexuality is on the line. Calling two same sex friends you know are straight a couple is nothing but a gay joke.

BTS do this all the time. Jimin called Namjin a couple, Tae kook a couple, himself and Suga a couple, himself and JK a couple.

Jk has equally referred to others within the group as a couple, made heart signs above them, and have even held his chest and said he never thought he would fall for a guy.

In none of these instances did he or any of them imply that they or the persons they were referring to were queer or liked men and I wouldn't make much of such comments.

When JK was called out for gifting a present to Jimin and not the others, Tae teased JK as well and his gestures implied to me, 'it's ok to like him, I know you like him, you like JM don't you, uWu' and other variations of these.

But he in no way hinted at the sexuality of JK explicitly or implicitly- not in a way that prompts a response or rebuttal from JK like it did in Jimin's case.

I guess what I'm saying is that, that moment is nothing but something at the same time. You look at Tae's personality and his reputation within the group as the one with no filter who blurts out things that often has BTS running helter skelter- that 'I want to see your children" comment at Festa almost gave RM an aneurysm. Lmho.

Then they had to literally take his mic away from him when he started talking about meeting a pretty chick or something at a fansigns.

You consider the history between him and Jimin, the context behind that comment and the things that was said after that comment- the interviewer said 'well JK is really handsome...' which means he took the 'joke' Tae had made to mean JM had romantic interest in JK- something I feel JM was trying to avoid.

I don't think Tae meant anything by it. I don't think he knew at the time JM was queer but I do believe he suspected he was.

Hope this helps,

Signed,

GOLDY

[clare-with-no-i]

Hi! Sorry for bringing back the topic of hours past, but I was just reading your blog, which always has very interesting discourse lol, and was loving everything that was said! I wanted to agree 100% on your headcanon about their sexual experience in canon and it was especially interesting to read that considering the asks and discussion that followed lol. Because to be honest as much as I dislike the Guy That Fucks trope, I equally don't like the subverted Girl That Fucks trope and it has everything to do with how I view James and Lily as fleshed out characters with real personalities, very young teens and products of their time instead of tropes or sexism. I understand the interest and fun appeal in those tropes, whether popularized or subverted, and I've enjoyed my share fics with both, but James and Lily as people, who clearly had eyes for each other, and at their tender age too, don't seem like characters that would sleep around and I think James having just one disappointing fling mostly from social pressure makes sense too. I always saw them more as the couple who had most of their firsts with each other in a very romanticized way, than the suave couple who had had multiple sexual relationships under their belt. If they had been several years older though this conversation could have been different lol.

this is a fair viewpoint! again, before I was asked about it specifically, I didn’t really think very much about whether or not they were each others’ first times. I’m sure there’s a legion of people that agree with your assessment of J and L’s relationship.

before I continue with this, I just want to put out there that I’m not trying to say that you’re wrong or that your ask was somehow harmful. I’m just going to touch on some things that stood out to me and that I’ve seen before in discourse such as this.

To address: subverting the Guy That Fucked trope with the Girl That Fucked trope.

The discourse that I brought up with that—and specifically in regards to “Voyeur” by @scriibble-fics (who at this point should just block me because I’ve mentioned her three times in one night, I’m so sorry)—was aimed more at dispelling the monolithic Jily trope where she’s inexperienced and he’s experienced. If your way of doing that is with neither of them being intimate before each other, fine! that’s totally cool. but to me what’s so important about having fics like Voyeur is that it really deconstructs the notion that there’s one ‘correct’ way for a much-beloved couple to function. be it against some people’s tastes or not, I think it’s really essential to—if there are going to be explicit fics about these two high school age people, which there are and have been since the books came out—highlight the idea that you are worthy of just as much love and respect as a girl who has had sex before entering your serious, True Love relationship as you would be going into it without ever having been intimate with another person. In a world where fanfiction disseminates so much information about sex to the millions of teenagers who read it (however we feel about this, it’s a reality), it’s really vital to represent sexuality as something that is within the girl’s power, and is not something that needs to be taught to her by a boyfriend. That, more so than the specifics of how this applies to Jily in my particular headcanon, was what I was trying to get across.

I mean, I remember reading fic when I was younger and thinking, genuinely, that if I didn’t cry from pain during my first time having sex, then the guy would think I was a slut. that’s how ingrained these messages were in fanfiction/media that a woman’s value is tied intrinsically to her ‘purity.’ and there was a lot of that in Jily fic as well. like, as much as we want to think it does, none of the fic we write exists in a cultural vacuum; there are real implications to the types of stories we tell and how they affect a readership.

so, yeah. if your jam is they-lose-it-to-each-other? cool! power to you. absolutely nothing wrong with that. things just get messy when people start tying worth to sexual experience.

[osakaso5]

La Danse Macabre

Episode 38

Chapter Index

38-1: Taught by a Friend (1)

Qual: We're almost there. Master Eternea's chambers are close.

Arme: Let's hurry..!

Qual: Commander Reue is keeping  our pursuers! No one is going to get in our way again!

Libel: Only Eternea and Misericorde remain.

Arme: I'll talk to them.

Libel: Arme..?

Arme: You two fought our way here. As your friend, I can't sit idle and let you do everything!

Libel: Heh... We're counting on you.

Arme: Right.

Arme: I wished for freedom. For the new world you want to create. I'm fully preprared to carry my own weight for that..!

Qual: I'll help you in any way I can. You're not alone...

Arme: I'm counting on you, Qual!

Libel: ...Heh.

Libel: .......! Ugh..!

Arme: Libel!?

Libel: ...Coff. Hah...

Qual: Are you alright?

Libel: Yeah, I'm fine.

Arme: N-no, you're not... Keep your distance from me!

Libel: It's fine. We're almost there...

Libel: I started this all by kidnapping you. This is my battle.

Libel: I'm going to keep fighting until the end, for all those we've lost already.

Arme: But...

Qual: Arme. Now is not the time to argue. All we need to do is ask Master Eternea to remove the curse.

Arme: ...Ngh.

Arme: Libel, you stubborn fool!

Libel: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Qual: ...Here we are. These are Master Eternea's chambers.

Arme: ........

Arme: I'm going to open the door.

[Creak]

- - - -

Qual: It's dark...

Arme: Eternea! Misericorde!

Arme: I'm here! Let us talk!

Libel: .......?

Eternea: ........

Arme: Eternea! Listen to me! I..!

Libel: This scent... Wait, Arme!

Arme: Huh?

Arme: .......!

Arme: ...Eternea? Is this... blood..?

Eternea: ........

Arme: ...He's... dead..?

Misericorde: That he is.

Arme: ......!?

Libel: Arme!!!

[Whoosh]

Libel: Ugh..!

[Thud]

Libel: Haah... haah...! Coff..!

Arme: Libel!

Misericorde: Ah... Such a nuisance. 

38-2: Taught by a Friend (2)

Libel: Urgh...! Coff..! Coff..!

Misericorde: Oh... The curse has progressed quite far with you. I'm surprised you could still move.

Arme: Libel! Libel!!!

Qual: Master... no, Misericorde..! What is the meaning of this!?

Misericorde: Ah, are you referring to the matter of Eternea's death?

Misericorde: I killed him. He started having strange ideas about dispelling the Celestial's curse, you see...

Arme: ...Eternea..!

Misericorde: The fool! Throwing everything away just to appease his own guilt!

Misericorde: Not knowing that it won't help anyone! That it'll only give him peace of mind!

Misericorde: This curse has been passed on for generations! All those people suffered because of it! And now, he wants it to stop!

Qual: You bastard...

Misericorde: He's no saint! He was only looking to stroke his ego! He just wanted to feel good about himself!  

Qual: Misericorde... Dispell the curse, now..!

Misericorde: Ah? It can't be dispelled now. Only the ruler of our church, Eternea, knew how.

Qual: .......!?

Misericorde: Haha... Hahahahaha!

Misericorde: You have no hope! Your dreams have been crushed!

Misericorde: I will give the world everlasting peace! Arme... If you forget everything that happened and return to me, I will spare your life!  

Arme: Ah... Libel... The blood, it's not stopping..!!!

Misericorde: Hah... I wouldn't bother with him.

Arme: Help him... Misericorde, please... Help Libel! Aaah!!!

Misericorde: Sigh... You make a huge mess, and now you try to get my sympathies by crying...

Qual: Don't cry, Arme!

Arme: .......!?

Qual: The more you cry, the stronger the curse will become. If you want Libel to survive, stop crying.

Arme: .......!

Qual: He's your friend, right? You said you didn't want to sit idle and let us do everything.

Qual: So don't cry, for his sake.

Arme: ...Yes. You're right.

Arme: Thank you, Qual.

Misericorde: Give me a break... With that amount of blood loss, even dispelling the curse isn't going to save him...

Misericorde: Oh, well... Raising a new Celestial from scratch is going to be a bother, but it looks like I have no choice but to kill you.

Qual: Don't get ahead of yourself..! I'm still here. Do you really think I'll let you lay a hand on Arme?

[Clang]

Misericorde: Well... It's certainly true that I could not defeat you in a fair fight.

Qual: I'll kill you and have Libel treated right away. The world is going to need him after all is said and done. ...We can't let him die.

Misericorde: Huhuhu... You best get to it, then.

Qual: I will!

[Whoosh]

Qual: .......!

Misericorde: Hah... what's the matter? Can you not strike me, Qual?

Arme: .......!?

Misericorde: Are you feeling ill!? Ahahahahahahahaha!!!

Qual: What have you done to me, Misericorde..!?

Misericorde: It's the Mark of the Saint.

Qual: !?

Misericorde: It doesn't just hold the Celestial's curse at bay.

Misericorde: It also serves as a safety measure against traitors.

Misericorde: My marks are special, you see. If you have one, you cannot attack me.

Misericorde: Your body rejects the very notion of hurting me. I made sure of that.

Qual: You bastard..!

Misericorde: I never trusted anyone around me, after all! Hehehehe! I never  thought my preparations would pay off so nicely!

Misericorde: Now if you'll excuse me, I need to dispose of you, Qual.

[Whoosh]

Qual: Ugh..!

[Thud]

Arme: Qual!!! 

38-3: Taught by a Friend (3)

Qual: Arme... run...

Misericorde: Hyahahahahaha! You're the only one left now, Arme!

Misericorde: ...Well then.

Arme: ........

Misericorde: Your greatest failure was to dream...

Misericorde: If only you'd stayed obedient, it wouldn't have had to come to this.

Qual: Stop... Stay away from him..!

Arme: My failure was to dream..?

Arme: No, it wasn't... Libel showed me that dream. My life hadn't truly began before then.

Misericorde: What?

Arme: On the Surface, I learned that living is doing what you want!

Misericorde: .......!?

Qual: Arme..!

Arme: Uoooh!

Arme: A jab!

[Thump]

Misericorde: !?

Arme: And a straight!!!

[Thump]

Misericorde: Urgh..!

Misericorde: Wh... what..!?

Misericorde: Y-y-you... you hit me!?

Arme: I did! And I'll hit anyone else that tries to hurt my dear friends, too! I'll protect them!

Libel: Huff... huff... Ar... me...

Arme: I've changed! And it's all thanks to my friends!

Arme: Even the way I hit people was taught to me by a good friend of mine!

Misericorde: How, how DARE you..!!!

Arme: Huff... I did it, Fuga...

Arme: I couldn't have done this without you...

Misericorde: Aaaaahhhh!!! How DARE a lowly Celestial hit MY face!!!

Arme: .......!!!

[Whoosh]

Misericorde: Wha..!?

Arme: .......!

Kabane: It appears I'm not too late...

Arme: Kabane..!?

Misericorde: W-who... the hell are you..?

Kabane: Nobody that needs introductions. Just a walking corpse.

Misericorde: ...Damn you, damn you to hell..!

Misericorde: I'll get you for this..! I swear I will!!!

Kabane: ........

Misericorde: You villains, who've broken the Ark's peace! You will not get away with this, ever..!

Kabane: ...Should I give chase, Arme?

Arme: No, don't... Libel's life is at risk...

Arme: Thank you for saving me, Kabane.

Kabane: .......!

Kabane: Right... I suppose that's what I did...

Arme: What's the matter? Are you hurt somewhere?

Kabane: It's nothing, really. I simply haven't heard those words in over 1000 years.

Arme: .......?

Libel: Coff...! Coff... coff..!

Arme: Libel!

Kabane: ........

Kabane: "Thank you for saving me", eh.

Kabane: Fine... I'll put my faith in you. 

To be continued...

[gallavictorious]

So. Mickey as an unofficial and entirely involuntary role model for South Side queers.

Thing is, while Kev's assertion that 'no one cares who you bang' largely seems to hold true, I still can't see it not causing at least a tiny bit of stir when the news first hit. You know, in general everyone just seem to know a lot about everyone else in the neighborhood, and maybe they know an extra lot about the Milkoviches because they're pretty damned dangerous, and you'd do well to stay both informed and clear of them. Now, Mickey is the neighborhood thug of his generation: the son and likely successor of a violent and homophobic Nazi, so him coming out as gay at his son's christening is... Well. Word gets around, is my point, even if most people are too busy with their own shitty lives to pay too much attention to Mickey's, beyond a wry observation or two.

Except some do pay attention. Some keep all this in their hearts and think about it often.

The years pass; Mickey goes to prison and escapes and returns and gets engaged; Terry burns down the wedding venue and threatens to kill him, Mickey gets married all the same. Word gets around, again. Life goes on, still.

And then one chilly February afternoon Mickey is walking home from wherever when he's approached by a teenage boy asking: “Uh, hey. You're Mickey Milkovich, right?”

In Mickey's experience that isn't the sort of question that leads to hugs and handshakes, so he's immediately wary, but a quick look at the boy dispels most of his concern. Sure, the kid looks nothing but South Side, scrappy like: can probably both take and dole out a beating, but he's clearly nervous – and not nervous in a way that suggests that he's about to do something utterly stupid like try to rob or murder Mickey. So, Mickey relaxes a little and lights a cigarette. Is maybe the tiniest bit curious, but mostly annoyed. “What the hell do you want?”

The kid hems and haws and Mickey is just about ready to walk away from this stammering snooze-fest when boy finally blurts: “I'm gay!”

What the actual fuck? Mickey stares. “Yeah? So fucking what? I'm married, asshole, and wouldn't be banging kids even if I wasn't.”

“No! Yeah, no, I mean – I know. I'm not... “ The kid's staring down at the ground. “I never told anyone before,” he adds softly.

Okay, that... does something strange to Mickey's insides, but he still has no idea what the hell is going on here. “You wanna talk to Ian?” he hazards. “Gay Jesus?” Riding out to save the day for troubled teens is Ian's thing, isn't it, but fuck, he really hopes he isn't starting with that shit again -

But the kid is shaking his head. “No, man, I was looking for you. 'Cause with your dad and everything I though that maybe... “ He pauses again, swallows. “I think my family's gonna be really angry if they find out.”

Ah. Still doesn't explain how that is any of Mickey's problem, but for some reason he can't find it in him to just shrug and walk away. He bites his lip. “They gonna kill you?”

“N-no. I mean... I don't think so. No.”

Then what the fuck are you whining about, you fucking pussy, Mickey doesn't say. He considers the kid, pale and damned near shaking before him, and wonders what he is supposed to say, what the hell the boy wants from him. Why the fuck isn't Ian here to deal with this shit? He'd be much better at it; he'd fucking love it, what with that goddamned Messiah complex he's got going...

But the kid hasn't come for Ian; he's come for Mickey and while Mickey isn't sure how the hell he came up with that brilliant notion it probably has something to do with the fact that Ian, for all he is as South Side as they come, still looks and walks and talks like someone who... well, whose homosexuality wouldn't completely shock you. This kid doesn't, and Mickey doesn't either. There's South Side and then there's South Side.

He gives a long sigh and tosses his cigarette butt to the pavement.

“Listen. I have no fucking idea if your family is gonna be cool with you loving cock or whatever, but if they're not, they're not, and that's not gonna fucking change, no matter how long you wait. Sooner or later you'll have to say something 'cause you'll be fucking miserable if you don't, and if it's gonna suck either way you might as well get it over with.”

He pauses, for a moment hesitating over what he wants to say next, because it's fucking soft and reveals way too much and... Fuck it. He clears his throat: “Fear's worse than whatever comes after anyway,” he says gruffly, not looking at the kid. Then, because this is the South Side and he ain't nothing but pragmatic, he adds: “You think it's gonna get violent, tell someone you think might roll with it first and bring them to back you up. Fuck it, pay someone to have your back if you have to. Or do it somehwere public so someone calls for help if it gets out of hand. Hit them back and hit them hard, yeah? Lots of people gonna think you're a pussy for taking it up the ass, or giving it or whatever, and you wanna shut that down real quick, or you gonna be having the same fucking conversation over and over. You hear me?”

The kid nods jerkily. He still looks slightly terrified – which is good because the last thing Mickey needs is some teenage queer running after him like a kicked puppy – but he looks strangely elated too. Hopeful, maybe; determined.

Mickey lets out a long breath, like a sigh. Can't quite belive he is doing this, but: “You have somewhere to go if shit goes sidways?”

A shrug. “I dunno. Maybe. I have an aunt down in Alsip. Maybe she'd let me crash there.”

“Give me your phone.” The kids looks surprised but does as he's told without comment. Mickey quickly enters his own number and hands the phonbe back. “Things go south, you text me,” he says. “I might know a guy who can help.” Though if that happens he is absolutely dumping this on Ian, who probably knows a lot of people who live for this short of shit. Fucking hippies.

“Thank you, man,” the kids begins. “I really - “

Mickey waves him away. “Yeah, yeah, get the fuck out of here.”

The kid does and Mickey remains standing there for a moment, staring after him and wondering what the hell just happened. This is all Gallagher's fault, he decides. Shit like this you can always safely blame on Ian. Not that he'll mention any of this to him, because fuck no.

And if few days later there is a text from an unknown number, saying just: “talked to my family they're pretty freaked but it went ok thanks” and if Mickey does feel a small surge of something not entirely different from satisfaction reading it, well... Whatever. It is what it is. Not like it's gonna be a regular thing or whatever.

But once more, it seems, word gets around, because there will be others. Not too many of them, but enough that it does become a bit of a thing; kids showing up outside his home or his work, or on his way to and fro. Mostly they just want to talk; want some kind of reassurance that there's a way to be gay and South Side, and you can still be a tough motherfucker while sucking some other dude's dick. Mickey primarily provides such reassurance by being a tough South Side motherfucker who swears and scowls and glares at them, but apparently this kind of works? There's a bit of practical advice at times, like “listen, if you brother can't accept you like banging guys he doesn't really give a crap about you so just cut him out” or “don't fucking hesitate, they start with that shit you punch them in the throat, like this”, and maybe a few instances of Mickey hunting down and kicking the shit out of some bullies or family members, if he decides that the kid isn't likely to manage it on their own and deserves a hand.

Now, Mickey doesn't exactly hide this shit from Ian, but he doesn't really mention it either because... Well, he just doesn't. The whole things is fucking weird, anyway. He doesn't know why he puts up with these stupid brats and he sure as hell didn't ask to be anyone's fucking guardian angel.

But of course Ian finds out eventually, and he is absolutely torn between mercilessly teasing Mickey about it (aaaaaw, Mick, it's so sweet that you care!) and just covering Mickey's entire body in kisses because he's so damned delighted and proud (I mean, it is sweet that Mick cares; hot too). In the end he probably goes for both, but pretty gently, because he knows Mickey and knows that making too big a deal out of it might freak him out. Or not. It's always hard to tell when Mickey will be embarrassed about something and when he'll just declare that liking what he likes doesn't make him a bitch. Ian figures it's better not to take the risk, though, not when they are teenagers in need out there! So, a little moderate ribbing, a lot of particularly attentive sex, and Mickey finds that he doesn't mind Ian knowing so much after all, because there's something about that stupid redhead looking at him like he's a fucking wonder that feels pretty good.

So maybe he'll keep on helping the kids, if they keep on showing up. You know, out of pure self-interest.

---

A/N: I'm still not sure if this idea is my own or if I've seen it discussed elsewhere, which seriously bugs me, but I was too invested in the notion to let it lie. If you happen to know of a fic or meta discussing similar themes, I'd love a link. Also tagging @sickness-health-all-that-shit because you expressed an interest. ;)

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Dr. Lauren Beach was 14 years old when she/they first came out as bisexual. Beach revealed the truth to friends and curious classmates at her/their suburban Michigan high school. The reactions varied, but not many were affirming.

"I experienced a lot of people who eroticized my attraction to femme people. It's like, 'oh, you're bi. That's so hot,'" says Beach, who has a Ph.D. in molecular, cellular, developmental biology and genetics.

Other friends asked Beach if she/they were doing it for attention. Beach says only three people, including Beach, at her/their school were openly out as queer. Instead of being embraced by them, Beach received flak for her/their sexuality.

"One of the other people there who was queer was like, 'You're a fence sitter! You're a switcher. You can't be trusted, you might date men after dating me," recalls Beach.

This kind of biphobia, which perpetuates stereotypes, hatred, and prejudices about bisexual people, is not uncommon — even (or sometimes especially) within the queer community. Stigma against bisexual people stems from a larger culture of homophobia, Rory Gory, digital marketing manager of the Trevor Project, an LGBTQ youth suicide prevention and crisis intervention organization, wrote in an email to Mashable.

"Since bisexuals often move between straight and queer spaces, they are subjected to both homophobia and biphobia," Gory explains.

Bisexual people make up a sizable population within the LGBTQ community, given more than 50 percent of queer people in America identify as bisexual, according to the Williams Institute. The think tank does research on sexual orientation and gender identity to ensure stereotypes don't influence laws, policies, and judicial decisions. To be clear, bisexuality means a person is attracted to more than one gender. It doesn't mean bisexual people are more sexually active than others or going through a phase (two common myths).

As a teenager, Beach bought into stereotypes about bi people. But now 22 years later, she/they are a professor at Northwestern University where she/they focus on the health of bisexual people and works to dispel myths about them. Additionally, Beach co-founded the Chicago Bisexual Health Task Force, a coalition that advances the heath equity of bisexual people.

Mashable spoke with Beach, and representatives from advocacy organizations such as the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), GLAAD, and the Trevor Project to learn about the unique challenges bisexual people face and how to be an ally.

1. View bisexual people as individuals

It's easy to lump a single group together but resist that trap. Like anyone else, bisexual people are individuals and their personalities and preferences vary. As Beach says, "there's not one single experience of bisexuality."

For example, Beach is asexual or ace. This means Beach doesn't experience sexual attraction, but she/they are romantically attracted to people across the gender spectrum. One can be both asexual and bi, with some asexual people preferring to identify as biromantic. Although many asexual people are not interested in having sex, some may choose to engage in sexual activity; asexual people can have varied preferences and experiences. Beach's experience doesn't mean all bisexual people feel the same way.

Getting to know more bisexual people can help scrub away your pre-conceived notions. You could already have friends who are bisexual and not know it. Be open about your intentions to learn so you can tear down your misconceptions about bisexual people, Beach recommends.

"You'd be surprised by how many people are like 'Oh, I'm actually bi. Let's talk," says Beach. "From understanding the breadth of experience, you personalize people."

2. Challenge negative stereotypes

As you expand your knowledge about bisexual people, speak up when you hear people perpetuating harmful misperceptions. Sometimes we don't even know we've absorbed negative stereotypes if we're not informed, says Mackenzie Hart, coordinator of GLAAD's Media Institute, which advises media, television, and film professionals on accurate LGBTQ representation.

An easy way to interject when you hear a myth about bisexual people is to say, "Actually, that's not true, my friend who is bisexual does not fit that stereotype," suggests Hart. It can also help to arm yourself with accurate statistics to further back up what you're saying, says Madeleine Roberts, HRC's assistant press secretary. HRC is a helpful resource for these stats.

"Barsexual" is a hurtful label often used to demean bisexual people. It refers to the incorrect belief that bisexual people will only interact with certain genders when they are intoxicated, explains Hart. It upholds the myth that bisexual women are actually straight as it implies they only flirt or make out with women when drunk. It also contributes to bi erasure, which GLAAD says happens when "the existence or legitimacy of bisexuality (either in general or in regard to an individual) is questioned or denied outright."

You should also push back against the harmful stereotypes that bisexuals can't be trusted to commit to a relationship, says Gory. "Embrace bisexuals as valid members of the [LGBTQ] community, rather than referring to them as 'allies' of the community."

Additionally, you can be an ally by understanding certain words and promoting proper usage. For example, you can clarify the difference between bisexual and bi+. Bi+ is an umbrella term inclusive of people who are pan, queer, fluid, and those who don't prefer labels. Use the full acronym of LGBTQ rather than gay as an umbrella term for queer people, explains Roberts. By taking these steps, you can "create spaces where people are hearing these words," says Hart.

3. Healthcare providers need to educate themselves

One time, a clinician asked Beach how many sex partners she/they had.

"I was like, OK, what do you mean by sex?" says Beach. The practitioner questioned why Beach would ask this. Beach told the clinician she/they are bisexual and, therefore, needed clarification about what sexual behavior she was referring to.

"She got really uncomfortable and said 'deep vaginal penetration,'" says Beach. "She started off guessing. She said, "you seem like a nice girl. So what is it, like one or two people?"" says Beach. The provider then said, “So, what you’re saying is more than 30 or 40 people.”

"It shows how someone [in a healthcare setting] can make this jump based on biphobic stereotypes of what my sexual behavior would be,” explains Beach.

After that encounter, Beach never went back to that doctor. To this day, Beach doesn’t have a designated primary care provider.

“I have to work up the emotional energy to want to go put myself through that potential experience," Beach says about seeking out healthcare.

Beach's experience isn't uncommon. Biphobia may discourage bisexual people from going to the doctor, with 39 percent of bisexual men and 33 percent of bisexual women reporting that they didn't disclose their sexual orientation to any medical provider, according to a 2012 study by the Williams Institute. Comparably, 13 percent of gay men and 10 percent of lesbians did not share their sexual orientation with a doctor.

Providers shouldn't presume anyone's sexual behavior because they know their sexual identity, says Beach. Hart echoes this advice. A doctor once asked Hart, "Are you seeing anyone?" Hart said no. She then asked, "If you were seeing anyone, would you be seeing a woman, a man, either, or other?" It wasn't perfect, Hart says, but asking open-ended questions that are inclusive of gender nonconforming people made Hart comfortable enough to see her again.

"Even if you aren't sure of certain words... you can make it clear you aren't going to be judgmental and you understand there's a wide array of experiences," says Hart.

4. Uplift bisexual people of color

Roberts recommends following prominent bi+ people of color on social media such as singer and actor Janelle Monáe, NFL player Ryan Russell, writer and transgender rights activist Raquel Willis, and politician Andrea Jenkins to become familiar with their lives. The next step is to share their stories with your friends and family.

At last year's Academy Awards, actor Rami Malek won Best Actor for his portrayal of British singer Freddie Mercury. Malek described Mercury as gay during his acceptance speech but Mercury was actually bisexual. Willis called out the bi erasure in a tweet.

Of the four people Roberts listed, two (Willis and Jenkins) are transgender. Just like one can be asexual and bi, one can also be transgender and bi. In 2015, the National Center for Transgender Equality surveyed 27,715 transgender people from every state and D.C., U.S. territories, and U.S. military bases abroad and 14 percent of respondents described their sexual orientation as bisexual.

To ensure you're not erasing transgender bi+ people's identities, always use inclusive language like "siblings" instead of "brothers and sisters," says Roberts, when addressing people as if they're family. This guarantees you're not assuming every bi+ person (or anyone generally) identifies as either male or female.

Taking into account the role intersectionality plays in the lives of bi+ people is important — especially when you're looking to amplify their voices.

[cerastes]

“Even though Platinum currently follows my assignments and orders, she seems to care little for Rhodes Island itself. Even from the perspective of the employment relationship, Rhodes Island's pay may not be able to satisfy her. As such, it is critical we seriously consider whether Platinum will remain loyal. Of course, according to my personal observations, the relationship between Platinum and Rhodes Island is mostly derived from her relationship of trust with the doctor. In other words, as long as Platinum's relationship with the doctor is strong enough, she will continue to hold considerable value for Rhodes Island. There are multiple ways we can go about removing the uncertain factors in this situation. Strengthening our relationship to dispel excessive notions of independence ought to be feasible. - Kal'tsit”

“I don’t care about your mission, vision, or this Infection thing, I just like hanging out with that person over there.”

I really like Platinum a lot because she plays perfectly into the “Incredibly skilled and feared assassin who legitimately just sticks around not because they care about the grand scheme of things or because they identify with the struggle of those involved and wants to help, but simply because they are good friends with one of the people involved” dynamic I enjoy so much. She’s just around because she likes the Doctor that much.

Platinum is a highly skilled assassin who specializes in killing rogue Kazimierz Knights (read: Nearl-level strong knights that went rogue. Nearl, who was shot with an arbalest-cannon from an unknown location in Chapter 0 and tanked it with difficulty but overall mostly unharmed) with a bow, which is the equivalent of someone being really, really good at making tanks explode with a slingshot and some rocks. The rest of her files explicitly state that Kal’tsit knows she’s lying about a lot of information she gives regarding herself, and she makes little effort to hide that fact. Hell, even her recruitment line indicates that her prior job at the Scionless Alliance was so shady that she likely went completely nameless and anonymous through it. 

“My name? Hmm... Platinum, sure, you can call me that.” 

She literally just makes up her codename on the spot. It’s likely she just didn’t have any sort of name or handle at all as a Knight-Assassin. She’s a mystery and a half and literally the only thing we know for certain about her is that she is damn good at killing people known for being unkillable. We cannot dig a single fact about her that we know is true for sure otherwise, no matter the informant, no matter the agent.

“Platinum was formerly an assassin for the Kazimierz Scionless Alliance. The rest of her background is unknown. She has demonstrated considerable talent and special tactical accomplishments in mech fights, annihilation battles, and urban warfare.”

This perfect enigma decides to stick around just because she enjoys hanging out with that amnesiac person with the coat and gasmask that much. Not because she cares about the fate of millions, not because she was dragged into this by circumstance, not because she’s Infected (she’s not), she just likes the Doctor. She could get the hell out of this insanely dangerous situation with ease using her skills, but opts not too, simply because her bro is in it.

And it’s not like she’s a brooding assassin otherwise, either:

“Aside from teasing other Operators, slipping away from her daily chores, and other minor rule violations, Platinum has proven that she has the essence of an outstanding Operator.”

She’s a shitter. She just likes to mess with people and the chain of command for kicks. As capricious as can be. 

10/10 I adore this horse with a bow.