#and I may have lost my shit a little when I rewatched the finale today and saw this scene | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fanfictiondreamscape · 4 years ago

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Where the Hell am I? (pt. 1)

Title: Where the Hell am I? (pt. 1)

Genre: comedy, lil floofy (if you squint, I promise), and a lil dramatic - mostly comedic, though.

Pairing: Aizawa Shota x Reader

Notes: This is, yet again, an idea that was pitched to me by one of my friends over Snapchat. I did take some liberties, contrary to their idea, but I read it and I just HAD to do it.

Frankly, it made me so happy! I thought that I’d split this, maybe not, but if you want another character (or characters) for this prompt - please let me know!

Some warnings, though; there will be plenty of swearing, so proceed with caution! The reader is also aged up, 21+ purely for the comfort of the writer. I imagine them to be around 24-25, but go about it however you like!

Below the cut!

“You really need to stop watching that childish garbage, y’know. You’re too old for that.”

“Grow up already! People your age don’t watch shit like that!”

“None of that will help you get by in life; stop watching that and get your life together already!”

AKA, things I, (Y/n) (L/n) hear on a daily basis.

Hello, dear reader! I’m (Y/n), as you’ve already presumed, and according to my family and friends, I waste my time watching what they call ‘immature junk’. I like to call it anime, but whatever floats their boat.

I have graduated from college, but I still live with a couple of roommates. My diploma has been sitting on the stack of boxes in the corner of my junk, and no matter how hard I’ve tried, the degree has never seemed to win over anybody in the field.

I’ve struggled with a job hunt for a while now, and I’m getting tired of trying to find something that can tie me over for a little while. I know that the job wouldn’t last, something that has followed me around for the longest time no matter how well I completed any given tasks, but I need something to pitch to the split rent.

I like to think that my roommates haven’t thought of kicking me to the curb as well, but frankly, they’ve probably found a way to do that or leave my ass sat on the empty apartment floor. Whatever the case, things haven’t been working out well for me at all.

I’ve been broke on and off as of late, and the only things I have managed to keep consistent was my laptop ownership, my phone ownership, and my clothing and personal items. I’ve been making sure that I have cut back on using many things, but it was starting to bite me now.

Today, of all days, was the one day that everything was seemingly coming to a head. My roommates were both at each other’s throats and took their frustration out on me (for no reason, honestly - I had already paid my portion of the utilities for the the month and had stayed quiet), my mom had just been admitted to the hospital, and my sibling has been taunting me from her fancy-schmancy upscale home by calling me a loser, deadbeat, etc. - all in all, a shitty day.

Normally, things like this wouldn’t bother me that much (aside from the pandemic confirmation), but this has been a long time coming and I was at my breaking point.

That night, I had just let everything be. Not a good thing considering the note that they were left on, but I can’t deal with the presence of people that are immature assholes that haven’t been taught to face your issues head-first, and I am too tired to put up with it anymore.

I grabbed my laptop and opened up my Funimation account. If I could trust no one in the physical world, then I could trust someone in the fictional world instead.

I had scrolled through, but when I saw that I had watched everything I planned to, I made the final decision to rewatch one - that anime being Boku No Hero Academia, I was pretty content to watch these teenagers grow in a way that I was unable to - nostalgic value in the anime can be spotted, but you have to look closely.

The opening narration by Deku had started, and as the episodes continued, I got tired. I don’t remember when this happened, but I think I actually fell asleep around episode 5. No matter, things started to blur and I slept.

...

Everything felt warm and windy, my clothes were brushing against my hands, and I felt extremely groggy. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Well, except for the fact that I felt like I was sleeping on a literal rock, and it was seemingly moving.

The rocking of whatever it was I was laying on was what woke me up completely, all the sleep forgotten in favor of figuring out what the object was. Looking down, it seemed to be a sheet of metal, and my god - did it stink. ‘Am I laying down in a dumpster?’

After looking down, I did indeed find out that I was sleeping near one. Or in one. Whatever fits, I guess.

Everything about this situation seemed like I had, somehow, fallen into a blackout drunk stupor. The likelihood of that happening, though, is very low - I have actively avoided any alcohol intake following my 21st birthday. And I had apparently decided to become an emotional drunk when I did reach that point, so that was even more unlikely.

With that knowledge, this seemed especially fishy. I had to get to the bottom of it.

I had slipped out of the area slowly, making sure to not accidentally cut my leg or arm on a raw metallic edge, and tread down the alley that I had been sleeping in.

I didn’t recognize the buildings around me, everything seemed to be a lot more colorful and definitely an extremely far departure from the decrepit, run-down shithole that I had to call a ‘house’. The sky was also so much bluer than what I was used to.

My parents and other family lived in better areas than I did, but that sky wasn’t what got me - it was the commotion that was coming from around the corner. The sound was so familiar, and I just couldn’t help but assume something crazy: did I land in the world of My Hero?

‘No, no, no - that’s not possible. That can’t be possible. Your roommates have just lost their shit and threw you out on the street.’ That had to be it, it had to be. There was no other possible situation, though they would have just thrown my ass to the curb and not a dumpster in a generally clean city.

Yeah, they couldn’t have done that. Or, maybe they did want to kick me out but realized that throwing me out in the dumpster would warrant some legal claims against them, so they decided to inform a family member that actually gave a damn. Then again, the one that was closest lived over two states away, so that also wouldn’t happen so quick.

“Ugh, my head hurts...”

A crash sounded through the alleyway, and I had made the conclusion that if I don’t leave now, I would get crushed under debris. That being decided, I made a mad dash out of said alley to the opposite end of the sound.

As soon as I left, the obnoxious technicolor of it all made me do a double take. What the hell is with this color palette?

“Are you lost?”

I jumped from the question. It wasn’t until I turned around that something hit me: yeah, this is most definitely N O T my world.

The person that had inquired my direction status had a huge spike sticking out of either hand. Their head was shaped normally, their eyes were a dark blue color, and they had short hair. I couldn’t tell if they were male or female, or even non-binary, but I was too freaked out to care. Best bet for this situation, though, was to go with the flow no matter what happens. I refuse to risk my safety any further.

“I, uh...um, yeah. Yeah, I am lost - but may I ask who wants to know?”

They breathed a sigh of relief, and their hands transformed into regular ones. The only explanation for this was that I was going crazy, or that I really landed in the world of My Hero. “Oh, thank god. I thought you were a villain for a second. Follow me before you get hit,” they said before they directed me further away from the soon-to-be-destroyed building.

We had made some small talk - if you could even call it that - as we evacuated, and I found out that their name was Dylan. They were apparently an off-duty hero, though that could be left up to debate considering no hero would voluntarily reveal their identity to someone on the street. Though they could have also assumed that I was a regular citizen, as well.

Didn’t help that I was still completely and utterly fucked on the front of knowledge - still confused, for a shorter explanation.

The commotion was still very prevalent as I continued walking with Dylan, and when we finally reached the town, the volume was so much more deafening. The sight was as well.

Two people were fighting in mid-air, one with a dark jacket and leather pants. Gloves were on their hands, but the big kicker was their mouth - it was almost warped into a joker smile, cuts and all, but it was full of teeth. Their eyes, from what I could see from my spot on the ground, were very large and red. I wish I could have seen more, though.

The other one was wearing some garb that mimicked Deadpool, though it was very obviously not him since there were some very obvious legs that were protruding from each side of their body. If I was observing them correctly, too, there were eight legs and multiple eyes. A spider hero? Like, a literal spider hero?

“(Y/n), I’m sure that you’re curious and a little freaked out, but I’m going to ask that you stay here with the crowd,” Dylan said. They laid their hand on my shoulder as I stared at the view in front of me. I absently nodded, muttering a small and measly, “Got it,” as the realization of everything sunk in.

I really am in the My Hero world. I really landed in a fictional world.

Holy shit, I’m completely and totally screwed.

There are so many things that could go wrong, so many things that would warrant a worry. Besides that, though, the thing that’s just hit me now that I know that I’m in their world is the most worrying.

Whose quirk got so screwed that I got transported here? Do I have to find that person to return to my world? Even then, was this done on purpose? In that case, would they want to send me back? What if it’s a villain and they want something? So many things can go so severely wrong.

I couldn’t leave my head now. I could, quite literally, die here and no one would notice.

My blank stare didn’t go unnoticed by certain citizens around me, but their attention was soon diverted - as was mine - at the newest occurrence on the scene. The spider hero was dropping lower, the (supposed) villain was falling quickly to the floor, and another hero stood above the two on top of a nearby building. Cheers erupted through the crowd as the commotion was met with flashing lights, news reporters, and gossip writers.

It took a second for me to notice, but the other hero on the building was Kamui Woods. Though I would later find this out, too, Mt. Lady was taking care of the runaway villain - she blew up larger with said villain in her hands a bit away from the scene with a triumphant smirk.

Though there was some slight commotion from the shaken media reporters, they quickly fell back into their goals and started to plow through the crowd. People were being pushed left, right, and forward.

Through this chaos, though, I noticed Dylan pushing against the people looking winded. Eventually, they made it to me while panting. “Okay, so,” they began, “We should probably leave now, but I want to ask you some questions.”

I shrugged, taking a deep breath. “You need to ask, fire away. I need some answers anyway.”

We settled on a nearby restaurant, Dylan offering to pay for whatever food I ordered, and got down to the questions.

“I noticed that you were stiff when you saw the fight. It wasn’t the normal kind of stiff, either.”

Dylan’s words seemed off. How could they see a difference in shock between me and the citizens? A villain attack is a villain attack, right?

“It was more...upset, for lack of a better word. What’s going on with that?” they inquired, making me stiffen. I didn’t realize that I was that odd in the crowd.

I wasn’t sure how to phrase my answer, but I had to say something. Unless I said it straight out, this would probably be a failure to explain. And people may look at me like I’ve lost it.

“Well...I...”

Dammit.

I’ve just gotta say it.

“I think I’ve been transported between realities. This one isn’t mine, I fell asleep in a dingy apartment, woke up here, and I’m-”

“Okay, I think I have an idea of what’s going on. I could help you, but it may take some time. Until then, let’s find a way to make sure that you don’t get screwed while you’re here, sound good?”

I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful. Then the thought hit me.

“Wait, how would you know? How can I trust you? Prove that you’re a hero, and then I’ll think about that offer.”

They chuckled a little, seemingly nonplussed, and reached for their hero license. After taking a look at it, I determined that this was a real license. You can’t get one unless you passed the exam, and even then, there are very few circumstances in which you can get one and not be a hero.

“Getting closer, but still not there. I need more proof.”

Nodding again, they grabbed their cell and opened their messages in front of me. Their phone screen was face up, and they turned it to face me. I saw messages between Kamui and Dylan. I scrolled through the messages to make sure that they weren’t faked, and the image moved.

“One more thing. If that’s the case, then tell me what your quirk is.”

“Well, my quirk is body morphing, or shape shifting. I can’t shift into anything that’s living, though - and I can’t keep up form for too long of a time. That enough for you?”

I paused, weighing the options - they’ve shown enough awareness, and they do have proof for what I provided, but how can I be sure that this isn’t just a ploy to trap a citizen and get the attention of the heroes?

“Okay, here’s what I am gonna do - I’m going to trust you. I have nowhere else to go, nor do I have any idea as to why I’m here, and I can’t go about life here without some help,” I uttered, urgency (and possibly a little fear) in my tone of voice.

With a nod, their bouncy curls following the action. They seemed satisfied, and I had finally found some sense of stability.

I can now figure this shit out.

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twokinkybeans · 4 years ago

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The Arachnoids: ROCK BAND AU [STARKER] - Chapter 9: WARY WORDS

READ “CHAPTER 9: WARY WORDS” ON AO3

Find the masterpost with all the chapters linked here!

Taglist: @crystallinecrimsonmoth & @staticwhispersinthedark (Let me know if you want to be added!)

Chapter 9: Wary Words

Tony’s gone.

That’s the first thought that crosses Peter’s mind when he stirs back to life after a short but good sleep. The room is empty and quiet, and it’s not just the man that has vanished. His bags are gone too and the sheets Tony slept under are neatly drawn up over the mattress. If it weren’t for the cologne lingering on Peter’s shirt, he could’ve sworn it’d all been a dream. It’s real, he reminds himself. It’s all real.

Peter doesn’t like the uneasy feeling that settles under his skin. He clamps his jaws together and blows into his cheeks, then letting the pressured air escape past his lips in a defeated sigh. He doesn’t know what to do. While it’s clear that something has to change for Tony, Peter wouldn’t know where to even start. He does realize it’s not his problem to solve, but he wants to help Tony however possible. It’s idle hope, though, to think the solution might come easy.

Tony’s gone, and there’s no sign of him until the live performance. It physically aches Peter’s chest to watch how freely Tony moves around the stage. No anxiety. No spiraling thoughts. Just Tony living through his music. The stage is Tony’s home. Performing is his home.

But after thanking his Finnish fans for supporting them today… There’s no trace left of where he could’ve gone. Tony’s hiding once again.

Latvia.

Poland.

Hungary

The next few days are all the same. No sight of Tony other than soundchecks and shows. No one knows where he is. And Peter realizes, horrified, that as much as everyone’s worried about Tony’s behavior, they don’t really care. Not truly. As long as Tony shows up to sing they seem awfully okay with it.

Austria

Italy

Spain

Peter still hasn’t managed to catch a moment alone with Tony. From a distance, he can see that the man looks paler. Tired. Lonely.

France

Belgium

Germany

Peter’s fed up with Tony evading everyone and he decides that he’ll do everything it takes to connect to him again. He will talk to Tony. As soon as he gets the chance.

Netherlands

“Hey, Stark!” Peter greets the man cheerfully as he finally finds the man by himself in the large Nijmegen venue. Tony’s leaning against the front barrier, looking up at the stage. “I’ve been thinking about your offer and I’ve decided to take you up on those guitar classes.” Tony tenses up and he grips the front barrier so tight his knuckles turn white. Oh no. Slowly, Tony turns around to face Peter. Tony looks straight at him but Peter can tell it takes everything the man has, to not avert his gaze. Peter’s heart clenches at the knowledge that the man’s been hurting so much lately, that it's a habit for him to hide everything.

“Hi, space boy.” Tony sniffs once and straightens his shoulders, faking a wide grin. Peter frowns at that. Does Tony still have the feeling he has to pretend so much? Tony continues talking before Peter has a chance to resume the conversation himself. “Wouldn’t you rather do another one of those sleepovers? ‘Twas quite a messy night, huh?”

What?

“That makes it sound like we had an actual one night stand,” Peter says slowly, eyebrows raised. If Tony wants to approach it like this, Peter will try to play along. Tony huffs a startled laugh at that. “That’s what happens when there’s only one bed,” he jokes. Tony’s smile falters soon after. He casts his eyes down to the floor. “I’m really sorry about that night, though… That… Wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“What wasn’t?” Peter asks, tilting his head. He kinda expects Tony to cut the conversation short and make a run for it, but surprisingly, he doesn’t. “The panic attack- I never wanted to drop that on you. The hug…” Tony’s cheeks turn a little bit redder at that. He’s ashamed, Peter realizes. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”

Tony tenses at that once more. He blinks a few times, unsure of what to do. Peter swallows. The last thing he wants is to chase Tony away himself. “Hey…” Peter speaks softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” “No,” Tony pushes out. “You did. And you’re right, I guess. I have been avoiding you.” Tony glances around real quick to see if there’s no one else around. When he confirms they’re alone he sighs. “I’ve never been this vulnerable around anyone. I… don’t know how to deal with it.” Tony sits down on the floor to lean against the front barrier and he shakes his head. Peter carefully walks closer to him.

“That’s alright. It’s hard,” Peter breathes as he sinks down onto the cool metal plates as well. “I know my story isn’t nearly the same…” He continues. “But I was young when I lost everyone but Aunt May. I closed off. It fucking sucks when people watch your every move ‘cause they’re not sure what to do with you and your emotions.” Tony looks up at that. His eyes contain the exact spark of recognition Peter had hoped to ignite.

“Sometimes, it’d be much easier if none of it ever happened - or if no one knows. So that you can pretend it never did, even if just for a few minutes.” Peter pauses, trying to figure out the right words to continue. “But- If you never allow yourself to be vulnerable, no one’s gonna understand why you keep pushing them away. Eventually, they’ll take it as rejection. They give up. And it leaves you lonelier than you were before.” “Sounds familiar,” Tony mumbles quietly. Peter’s lips curl into a faint smile. “Yeah... And I’m not saying you always have to talk about the shit that’s going on, but you can let people know you’re not okay. Confide in them. You need that sense of community, Tony. Especially when things are bad.”

They’re both silent after that. It’s not an uncomfortable silence. Not at all. At one point, Tony’s composure softens. He goes less rigid, and his left knee falls against Peter’s right one. Peter lets it happen without a single thought; perhaps he too likes the warmth coming from the other’s body. Someone who, even though the story is different, shares the emotions Peter knows so well.

“Thank you,” Tony finally breathes. “That’s… You’re right- I-...” Tony groans when the words don’t come easy. Most likely unconsciously, he presses his knee into Peter’s a little more. Peter doesn’t say anything to give the man his time. He does press his knee back, though. Hoping to comfort Tony. Tony swallows and slowly continues. “Talking to you makes me feel like I can breathe, even if just slightly.” The words cause a gentle warmth to spread through Peter’s chest.

“I meant what I said the other night, Tony. I’m gonna be here, alright?” “You barely know me...” “Isn’t that enough of a reason to get to know each other better? I mean, we already slept in one bed after all,” Peter says, trying to lighten the conversation with a small joke. It seems to work. Tony snorts. “I think you’re my favorite one night stand,” Tony grins. Somehow, even though it’s obviously meant as a joke, it catches Peter completely off guard and he blushes. Tony notices and he grins. “Ooooooh! You liked it too!” Tony teases. Peter growls in response and leans sideways to bump into Tony’s shoulder. The man laughs, actually laughs, and the sound reverberates in Peter’s chest. Is this the lighter side of Tony he hasn’t seen yet?

“Hey,” Tony mumbles once his snickering died down. “I have to go do this stupid interview. Harley will lynch me if I don’t show up.” “Shouldn’t Bruce and Happy be the ones to do that?” “They don’t really bother with me. They’ve given Harley the most prestigious task of babysitting me.” “Harley seems nice though, isn’t he?” Peter tries. Tony hums. “For sure. He’s a good kid.”

Tony’s silent after that and Peter bites down his bottom lip. He feels like the conversation isn’t over yet. He drops his head to one side to look at Tony. Tony raises his eyebrows. “Will you be okay?” Peter asks quietly. “I…” Tony sighs. “I guess? Interviews trigger my anxiety quite badly. Nat, Steve, and Harley know about the medication shit, though. They try to help me through. They just don’t know about… Morgan.” Tony’s voice wavers when he chokes out her name. “I’ll manage. I promise.” Peter smiles and leans into Tony a little bit more, trying to bring him some comfort.

“Alright. Promise me one thing though,” Peter whispers. “Or, two actually?” “What’s that?” “I want those guitar classes,” Peter states and Tony snorts, shrugging and shaking his head. “Sure, what else?”

Peter hesitates and he clasps his own hands together, leaning forward onto his upper legs. From there, he eyes Tony carefully. “Don’t rewatch it.” Peter takes a breath. “The interview. Answer their questions and then forget about it.”

Tony takes a few moments to think about that before he swallows and nods. His eyes sparkle when he raises his head to look Peter straight into his eyes. “I promise.”

Peter mindlessly helps Ned set up his drums for tonight. Ned loves the new set, even though it’s not nearly the same quality as the one he has at home. It’s got a nice sound, Peter has to admit that. He doesn’t know enough about drums to give a solid opinion, but if Ned’s happy, so is he.

“So, what’s up with Tony?” Ned asks, fiddling with one of his drumsticks when Peter finishes tightening the last hi-hat clutch. Peter leans back, eyeing Ned curiously. “What do you mean?” “He seems… So… Nice? Today? I dunno,” he mumbles. “He’s not himself.” “Oh?” “Yeah, he-”

Before Ned can finish his explanation, the door slams open and Peter looks up startled. MJ comes rushing in and she throws herself into Ned’s arms. “Help!” She squeaks. “Hey, hey! What’s wrong?” “I- Harley, he- He asked me out,” she chokes out. “And my dumb ass said no. But when I ran off I- I realized I wanted to say yes and I don’t know what to do.” MJ groans and presses her lips together.

“Please, you gotta help me.”

Read the next chapter >> 10: Blossoming Bond

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itsreigns · 5 years ago

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It’s Real

Sheamus x Reader

(Y/N) has been pining over her best friend for a long time. Working on different brand put their relationship through a very rough path. And things only tend to get worse...

Words: 3,649

Requested by @shadow-of-wonder

TAG SQUAD:

Pining over Sheamus has been a constant in my life ever since I met him. He is my best friend, and honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without him. I actually think he doesn’t even have a clue of how much he matters, how important he is to me.

I can talk to him about anything, even things that may be difficult or uncomfortable to discuss. But he never judges me. Even if he doesn’t fully understand, he will always try his best to. There is nothing I’m afraid to share with him. Well, except for one thing.

That I am madly in love with him.

He’s the first person I want to share good news and bad news with. When we are on the way to the hotel from work, we talk about how our day went or whatever’s going on in our worlds. We’re able to have rational, thoughtful conversations, but we also have conversations about the most random things and we can just sit comfortably in silence as well.

We were attached to the hip. Always driving around together, going to the gym together… every kind of thing.

Until we were drafted to different brands.

When the draft happened, I was trying to gather up the courage to ask him out on an actual date, coming clean about how I truly saw him.

That never got to happen.

Since then, we’ve grown slightly apart. We still talked but not as much as before. Our calls got shorter, just as our texts, and we barely Facetimed. Long story short, we barely hung out anymore, because our schedules didn’t match.

It hurt, so bad. I could feel him and our friendship slipping through my fingers.

I missed him so much. Him as a whole. His touch… his voice… his laugh… the way he made me laugh. How he cared about me. How he always managed to get through me when I wasn’t feeling well. Everything.

So lately, all I had from him was every picture and video he put online. I go back to his Instagram only to see his face, his wide smile, in his photos. And I rewatch those videos over and over, especially when I am in bed, ready to sleep, letting his voice sink in.

At the beginning, it fulfilled the void and made me happy, but now… it only makes me sadder. It only makes me miss him more… miss us more.

Today, it’s Monday. I have lots of work to do backstage as Raw is airing in a couple of hours, because apparently some big things that only the bosses and creative know about are going down tonight, and... I’m feeling like shit. It’s one of those days.

Only to make it worse, I keep recalling the times when he’d notice I was feeling down. He’d whisper “Come here, lass.” and pull me into a warm side hug, as he ran his hand through my hair and pressed gentle kisses to my forehead.

How I wish I had that right now. I’m craving his affection. I need his affection. It’s becoming unbearable to be away from him. But apparently he was doing good away from me, so there’s no way I could ever change this.

I try to shrug off the knot of anxiety that was tightening my chest, so I could do the rest of my chores as well as I possibly could right now.

After almost two hours, I was done. It was hard to do it all, but I somehow managed. Then, I headed to the makeup and hair zone, looking for my friends Alexa and Zelina. Sadly, they were both occupied. Zelina was getting her makeup done, and Alexa was getting her hair braided.

They quickly asked if I was okay, and I managed to shoot them a fake smile as I nodded affirmatively. I don’t think they bought it, but… I just don’t want to worry them.

I then decide to go sit in the corner of that zone. There were some storing boxes there that the personnel used to keep heavy material for the stage, so I just hopped on top of one of them.

Reluctantly, I reach my back pocket and get my phone. I debate whether I should unlock it or not for a couple of minutes, but then I give in. I need to see his face.

With my hands shaking, I enter my Instagram, going straight to the search feature. Obviously, his name was right at the top of my searches. I open his profile and my heart quickly gets caught in my throat.

He had posted another picture. But he wasn’t alone. There’s a girl right by his side. A very stunning girl, tucked right into him for the picture. My stomach starts flipping, and I feel myself starting to get sick, wanting to throw up.

I didn’t even bother to read any descriptions or check tags. My assumptions have been made and they were clear as water. He was dating her.

I quickly returned to the main page of his profile and unfollowed him. I just can’t bare the thought of having to see more pictures like that one. Or even cozier… more romantic pictures. I’m almost throwing up again with nervousness just by thinking about it.

It felt like a slap to my face and I was still numb. I closed the app and set my phone on the box carelessly. I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t even know he had met someone, let alone be dating.

This made me realize how clueless I was being. He didn’t need me anymore, that’s why he barely reached out lately. He had someone else to do the things we used to do together.

I let him forget all about me.

No, I did not let him forget me. He forgot me. I quickly rearranged my thoughts. It was not my fault that he didn’t care about me or our friendship. I was not at fault in this.

With this, I decided that I was going to let him go and get over this, because I am a strong bitch. Yes, those were the exact words I kept telling myself in my head. I am strong and I will not let him see how much it’s affecting me.

Not that he’s around to, he’s obviously a little busy isn’t he? The nagging voice was back but was quickly shoved to the back of my mind when I was suddenly joined by Alexa.

She sat down next to me and stared at me for a couple of seconds before actually speaking up.

“Are you okay?” She asks carefully, trying to read me. “I- Well, we’ve seen Shea-”

“I am fine. And I don’t want to hear or talk about it.” I know I sounded snappy, but I just don’t want to talk about the fresh wound on my heart. I want to push this to the depths of my soul and not remember it or him ever again.

“Okay. I’ll respect that.” She sighs heavily as she rubs my knee soothingly. “But if you need anything, and I mean anything, you call me right away, okay?”

I nodded in response but was eyed suspiciously by Alexa. I knew what it meant so I said what she wanted to hear.

“I promise Lexie.”

She pressed a kiss to my cheek before leaving. And there I was, sitting in a corner, alone with my thoughts again. I honestly don’t even know how much time has passed since I saw it.

I could see people passing by and I definitely could hear the fans’ screams and shouts echoing in the arena, and damn, they were loud tonight. But I was way too numb to pay attention to any of it.

Finally, after God knows how long, I snapped out of it. When I stand up, my body feels like ten times its weight. It feels like I’ve been beaten down by someone and I’m just lugging myself around like deadweight.

And I was. Emotionally. But it’s still a beatdown.

I make my way towards my shared locker room to gather my things so I can finally go to my hotel room and just wallow in my thoughts all by myself.

Picking up my backpack, I head out of the room. I know I was dragging myself around but I just can’t pretend anymore. I just can’t. I am devastated. In two seconds, I realized I lost my best friend and the man I love. My brain is all over the place and I just want to take a shower and then lay down and sleep. Sleep so I can forget all this mess.

I’m halfway through the parking lot when I hear someone calling out my name.

That’s enough to make me stop in my tracks. I know that voice all too well and I am hesitant to turn around. Firstly, because I am afraid that I’m starting to lose my mind and hearing things. Secondly, I’m terrified that he is in fact right behind me.

“(Y/N).” The voice says again, this time more firm and confident.

I got chills running down my spine. My whole body is shaking. I definitely didn’t want to do this right now. I don’t want to look in his eyes. Not now. I think everything will come crashing down once I do so. Taking a deep shaky breath, I try to keep walking towards my rental.

“(Y/N)!” He yells this time, sounding closer to me than before. “Can you please stop for a minute and look at me?” He stops me by grabbing my arm gently.

“No, I can’t.” I choke out, keeping my gaze on the cemented ground. “I just want to leave. So just please, let me go.”

My sight is getting blurry from the tears that have formed in my eyes, as I was practically begging him to let me go. It was pitiful, I know, but I couldn’t stand being this close when I’m nothing to him anymore.

With this, I pull my arm out of his grasp with one motion and I can feel his stare burning through my back as I walk away. Deep down, I wished he’d stop me again, that he’d hug me and tell me that he missed me, that he wanted to be at least my friend.

But he didn’t.

He just watched.

He just watched me walk away. From him. From his life. He didn’t say a goddamn word. And it killed me.

As soon as I get to the car, the tears start falling down my cheeks. I am in so much pain that it almost feels like actual physical pain. My whole body hurts. My head feels like a balloon. I can’t even breathe straight.

I cried all the way back to the hotel. Dangerous as I know it is, I drove most of the way on autopilot. I don’t even remember most of it, to be quite honest.

The woman in the reception looks at me with pity written in her features, probably wondering why my eyes are all red and puffy, why I look like a fucking mess. She was nice about it though. Kathryn, as read on her name tag, offers me a sweet smile every time she has to talk to me and let me know some information regarding the room and the hotel, which I couldn’t focus on, considering my state. But when she gave me the key, I was able to give her a small smile, that she returned delicately.

I’m finally in my room. Tossing out my clothes carelessly on the floor, I head to the bathroom and turn on the water. I take a good look at myself in the mirror.

Fuck… I do look like a hot ass mess. Running my hands down my face, a sob runs through my body once again. How could a single person hurt another so badly? How could a human endure this kind of pain?

I get under the hot water, letting it fall down my tense and broken body, wanting it to wash away all the pain and sadness that is running through my veins right now. I just stand there as I get it all out of my system.

It’s about 20 minutes later when I turn the water off. Grabbing a towel, I dry myself lazily before heading to my suitcase and pulling out some panties, an old shirt and some lazy sweatpants to wear.

After putting them on, I collapse on the bed, feeling so drained and exhausted from all the nerves and all the crying.

When I am finally drifting off to sleep, there is a light knock on the door. It was so light that it almost seemed someone was knocking on a door near mine. Suddenly, there’s another knock. This one way more confident.

It’s probably Lexie. I left without telling her anything, and I didn’t text her. She was probably worried sick, and I feel terrible about it now.

I get up and head to the door, opening it. “Lexie, I am so sorry-”

My words are cut short when I get face to face with the person who was knocking at my door. I find myself staring at the face I was dreading to look at ever since that happened.

He has this weird look on his eyes, I can’t quite put my finger on it. But I absolutely don’t want to do this right now. I need to sleep on it, get some rest first. So I go and try to close the door before any words are exchanged.

But he stops me, preventing the door from closing with his arm. He’s much stronger than I am, so he manages to pull the door open and get inside, closing it behind him. I sigh in defeat, retreating back to the bed and sitting down, leaning against the headboard, as he stands in front of my bed, hands tucked in his jeans’ pockets.

“Care to tell me what the fuck is going on, (Y/N)?” He says, an indecipherable tone lacing his voice. I can’t tell if it’s anger, disappointment, hurt, care or everything altogether.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I manage to say when I find my voice, moving my gaze to my hands, currently set in my lap.

“What have I done to you, (Y/N)?” He sounds almost desperate now.

“I just said I don’t want to talk about it, Sheamus.” It hurts so much even just hearing him say my name. This is too painful.

“You used to talk to me about anything. What changed?”

“You did.” I say before I can stop myself. He furrows his brows in slight confusion, urging me to keep talking. “Everything did.”

“I know we haven’t talked much lately, but you know I care and think about you every day.” He tries to reason, but I wasn’t having it.

“No, you don’t.” I mumble, once again staring down at my hands, as a sad chuckle leaves my lips.

“Yes, I do.” He looks down at me in disbelief.

I feel tears in my eyes once more today, and honestly I was done crying. I avert my gaze down again, burying my head in my hands. Feeling the bed shift, I quickly feel Sheamus’ hand making contact with my thigh, caressing me gently. I wanted to slap his hand away, but I was craving his touch so, so much that I couldn’t find it in my heart to do it.

Suddenly, the girl pops up in my mind again.

“You shouldn’t be here.” I snap, flinching away from him. “She won’t like it. You need to go to her. You need to leave.”

“Who’s she, (Y/N)? I swear you’re not making any sense.”

I am not looking at him but I can tell by his tone that he’s genuinely confused, which makes me even more distressed.

“The girl.” I finally look at him. He looks so concerned and confused. “In your photo. I saw it. I think everyone did.” I mumble, once more not being able to maintain eye contact with him.

“You mean the picture I posted today?” He asks, and I only nod. “Are you serious?” Now, he was smiling and I couldn’t see what was so funny. “Was that why you were like this back at the parking lot, and right now?” He asks carefully, looking at me intently.

It was now or never. I had to do it.

I nod.

“That- That was Josie. Don’t you remember? That friend I had from Ireland, that I told you about?”

Suddenly, there’s light in my brain. I do remember him talking about her. They were very good friends when they were kids back in Ireland.

“I- I remember.” I admit, blushing and feeling bad as hell.

“Didn’t you read the caption?” He asks, tilting his head to the side as he smiles at me. I shake my head no, and he lets out a light chuckle. “You have nothing to worry about. She’s just an old friend, and we were just catching up.” Meanwhile as he spoke, his hand found his way to my thigh once more.

I was blushing as hell but I was trying to fight everything I was feeling. I didn’t want to read too much into this and get my hopes up.

He takes a moment to stare at me, as if trying to read me or understand me. But I never said anything. I think anything I would’ve said at that moment would have ruined everything.

“Look, (Y/N)...” He trails off, glancing down at my shaky hands. “I hope I’m not reading too much into this, but… if you… if you feel something, I need you to tell me.”

That’s it. Our friendship is over. This is the part where he obviously tells me that he can’t be my friend if I love him.

“Why do you need to know that?” I say, very upset. “You don’t need to let me down gently. You don’t like me like that, we can’t be friends. I get it. Now can you go?” I plead with my eyes filled with tears once more as I fully face him.

“No, I can’t go, (Y/N).”

I’m crying again. Why is he torturing me? Why can’t he just leave me alone?

“Why are you making this so goddamn difficult, Sheamus? I swear-”

I’m not even finished talking when I feel his lips pressed against mine. I am in complete shock. It takes me a few seconds to process what is happening. He pecks me one time very gently and pulls back.

Our faces are the closest they’ve ever been. Our gazes locked. Our foreheads resting against each other. His hand cradling my face so delicately.

“I’m not making this so goddamn difficult. I’m trying to simplify it.” He whispers as his thumb caresses my cheek.

I launch myself into his arms, hugging him. He hooks his arms around my midsection, pulling me into his lap. I wrap my legs around his waist. I hug him so tight, as if I’d never get the chance to do it again.

“I missed you so much, (Y/N). You have no idea how much.” He mumbles against my neck. “Being away from you, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I couldn’t go another day without seeing you.”

This statement makes my stomach twist up in knots again. He has to go back.

“You have to go back though…” I say sadly.

“I don’t.”

“What?!” I can’t disguise my excitement. “Are you serious?”

“Yes, I was moved back to Raw again.” He smiles widely, seeing how happy I was with the news.

“Oh my God! This is amazing! I missed you so much.” I smile, and before I could stop myself, I peck his lips. I pull back abruptly, once I take notice of what I was doing. “I am so sorry. I- You- ” I’m rambling and I just can’t stop myself. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He reassures, hooking a finger under my chin and making me look up at him. “I know I’m not. You know why?” I shake my head no. “Because I love you.”

There’s silence for awhile. We’re just staring at each other, letting his words sink in.

“You know I love you too, right?”

“I was kind of hoping you did.” He laughs lightly. “But I can’t say I wasn’t scared shitless that you didn’t.”

“I do. I always did.” You whisper, pecking his lips again. “I love you, Sheamus.”

That somehow triggers something in him. He’s kissing me now, so intensely, I think I’m passing out soon. He licks my upper lip, begging for entrance. I can’t stop the moan that leaves my mouth, granting him the so wished access.

His tongue starts massaging and crashing against mine, as the kiss turned into a makeout session. I’ve dreamed about this for so long, it still seemed like a dream.

The kiss is growing hotter by the second. I, being the teaser I am, start grinding my hips against his, earning a deep growl from him.

Suddenly, he breaks the kiss. “I need to ask you something.” I nod, waiting for the question. “Will you be my girlfriend?”.

“Of course I want to be your girlfriend.”

As soon as those words leave my lips, his come crashing on mine again. He pecks my lips a dozen times before we pull back and hug each other.

“Pinch me, so I know this is real.” I laugh stupidly, hiding my face in his neck.

The bastard bites my collarbone gently and I yelp in surprise.

“See? It’s real.”

Give me some feedback please?

#wwe imagine #sheamus x reader #sheamus fic #sheamus imagine #wwe fic #wwe fanfic #wwe oneshot #wwe fanfiction #wwe reader insert #wwe x reader #sheamus oneshot #sheamus one shot #sheamus fanfic #sheamus fanfiction

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godblessthecactusess · 4 years ago

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hola - welcome to another reaction post

Agents of SHIELD - s7ep11: Brand New Day (WARNING – SPOILERS (obviously))

- So straight off the bat, reading the tagline, looks fun - “(in order to win against Sibyl/Nathaniel) they’ll have to get creative, and maybe even a little out of this world.” Intriguing. Looks like we could be in for some fun stuff this episode, but I’m really wondering how we’re going to turn this all around in just three episodes (counting the finale as two), so I’m guessing there’s gonna be a big thing to happen that’s gonna end it all. Like, someone’s gonna die, I’m just gonna say it, it’s gotta happen?

- Also, because I can’t restrain myself, I have been on Tumblr and Twitter today, and I haven’t actively stopped to read what I’ve seen, but because I am rubbish at avoiding it, I have figured out that we’ve got some flashbacks this episode, which appear to have Fitz in them??? I bloody hope so gosh.

- Right, I’m gonna start it. Deep breaths.

- Recap, okay.

- RIP Jiaying.

- Deke is so oblivious but I still love him and wish that Daisy and Deke had been a thing.

- Daisy’s been crying nooo

- So they lost the Zephyr. (And what’s left of the Fitzsimmons fam)

- They went to space??

- Daisy’s gonna fight this bitch. (I know I’ve seen it already in clips but still).

- I’m discovering it’s really hard to type and pay attention.

- “I wanna be an agent of SHIELD” 1. I mean, that’s the show but 2. She says with the face of “but like actually don’t trust me look at my evil grin mwhahahaha”

- Space woowww

- How do all these randos know how to fly the Zephyr??

- Did Deke just make a Die Hard reference? (rhetorical, yes he did); I mean I haven’t seen the entirety of Die Hard, but I watched bits last Christmas and I’ve also watched enough B99.

- …Motherfucker. (again actually something I learned from B99, not Die Hard)

- Aw Mackelena babysitting

- Proof?

- Oh so the team’s finally learning what we learned about time in Endgame.

- “A Brand New Day” got it

- Bro I was gonna say that (about it’s basically Project Insight) but he said it better cos he’s Coulson and he’s cooler.

- “My sister” look at these two

- Ha lies I bet she’s fucking lying

- “Sibyl said” the new version of Simon Says

- Hold up did she just give her the keys?

- DON’T MAKE ME WATCH THIS AGAIN

- IT’S A FITZSIMMONS BEST BITS

- And I’m going to cry

- DON’T hit my BABY

- Elizabeth’s eyebrows are to die for

- WHAT DID THEY DO TO DEKE NO

- Where’s she going huh

- Look Sousa put suspenders on

- Are they his battle suspenders

- Cos that’s the cutest thing ever

- I love him

- “I ALREADY HAVE A SISTER TO SAVE HER NAME IS JEMMA SIMMONS” OMG

- Science Daisy

- So she’s really never flown a quinjet huh

- “It’s your last chance to stay behind” *assertively puts on seatbelt”

- That moment when you don’t know if it’s a cut to the next scene or Mack’s caught them

- No wait he’s got his shotgun axe. Bitch ready to go yes.

- Oh wait he’s telling her off.

- No he’s agreeing.

- Omg yes Mack

- Where does all that water go – I’m assuming there’s a drainage system?

- So they left Mum and Dad behind rip

- Is Kora just in the background reading a book.

- Protective Nana Jemma

- Nate you never cared about ‘your old man’.

- Sousa just leaves his seat

It’s a nice parallel to Goose in Captain Marvel

- They have an auto-grav setting? But like, the quinjet isn’t made for space.

- Daisy, ever the optimistic.

- Mmmmmmspace

- Oooof pulling the Bahrain card.

- If May hadn’t done it, she wouldn’t have had a cool backstory, so put that in your pipe and smoke it Kora

- Mmmmmcreepy messages through a virus in 1980s aesthetic. What a…. well… aesthetic.

- Sassy Coulson back at it again.

- I mean you are a fucking robot can’t you just plug yourself in or some shit; I’M NOT VERY SCIENCY OKAY

- Oh great another “last mission” convo

- Sounds like you will.

- Thanks I’m crying

- Oh wait he doesn’t remember the kiss I forgot that, shit.

- Can’t just break a fucking window Nate, you’re gonna have to pay for that. Like literally with your own money, please and thanks, I don’t think the team brought any money with them.

- Ooh love a good Coulson talk.

- Honestly where would the team be without May? Dead, I think.

- Burnt toast.

- Did she just say Grant Ward.

- Yes she did.

- Ward would have been worse without Garrett? Uh I think not, not if someone had just called Child Services, and gotten him some fucking therapy.

- “What are your intentions with Daisy?” Dad Mack coming through, “no funny business” and all that.

- “I don’t have any intentions.” WHAT A LIE DANIEL HAHAHAHAHA YOU CRADLED HER HEAD ON YOUR LAP WHEN SHE WAS INJURED, YOU CARRIED HER BRIDAL STYLE OUT OF THAT BARN, YOU WERE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEAVE THIS WHOLE MESS, BUT LOOKED RIGHT AT A SLEEPING, RECOVERING DAISY AND SAID “IM RIGHT WHERE I NEED TO BE”, YOU SAT AND NAPPED IN A CHAIR BY HER BEDSIDE THE ENTIRE TIME, YOU DIDN’T SAY NO WHEN SHE KISSED YOU, SO EXCUSE ME MISTER “NO INTENTIONS” BUT I THINK YOU MIGHT BE WRONG

- “Well then you better get some” omg we stan mack even though his voice is so deep I often miss what he says

- “omg shes like so into you gurl” is basically what I just heard. (picture 2000s american teenage girl, phone pressed to ear, chewing gum really loudly etc.)

- “sir” HES SO POLITE

- I’m loving this chat and its so true, every single one of them would massacre Sousa if he hurt Daisy.

- “just like a damn comic book” ahaha haha…. ha. yep.

- But I do love a good comic book joke in the show.

- Wasn’t it in like s4, and Coulson said something about Daisy being Director and she was like “ha yeah maybe in the comic book version”? idk man im rewatching SHIELD because I have the worst memory but that was funny too

- These two’s eyebrows in this scene god.

- Honestly if you get the chance to rewatch this scene just watch Mack and Sousa’s eyebrows as they turn to look at each other it’s adorable.

- Alright Sousa no need to be so mean I think it’s a great name.

- These two giggling together omg the one things I didn’t know I needed.

- 19th century definitely was.

- FINALLY SOME NEW FITZ AT LAST

- “can you give us a moment” “yes” “…..oh”

- What are you suggesting fitz my darling

- …sooooooooooo….

- Some time to have a kid maybe.. idk… grow old together…

- What bloodwork? Did I miss a thing?

- Snuggling Fitzsimmons ahhhhh

- I didn’t think Kora would be so sad omg. Now I feel bad for her shit it wasn’t meant to be this way, I-

- Fitz looks so different omg

- Omg Fitz grabbing onto her and hugging im soft omg what a beautiful trope

- WHO’S FITZ WTF OMG NO FUCK SHIT CRAP AHHHHHHHH

- A kickass fight scene nice

- Uh oh

- Nice one May

- “Sunshine” what an asshole

- They’re gonna decimate everything wtf

- Wasn’t there all those ships in the trailer

- “quake”

- Look at these cuties

- Thanos could turn you to dust too.

- SORRY too soon

- Uhhhhhhhhhh what the fuck is happening

- They’re just wiping out shield

- Rip the Triskelion

- DON’T YOU TOUCH HER LIKE THAT oh look now I’m being protective wtf is happening to me

- Urgh absolutely disgusting

- Well shit

Uhhhhhhh so this is problematic. I mean, by all accounts, they could just leave this timeline and go back to the OG one. I mean, there’s a canon timeline where Steve learns early that Bucky is alive, Loki has the Tesseract and Steve just told a elevator full of Hydra agents “Hail Hydra” (so a highly chaotic timeline, that the avengers just left) so they could just leave but like, that’s unethical, i guess???? Oh well.

Let’s go have a look at the new trailer for the FINALE!! ARGH omg its all ending and I’m sad

WELL im going to cry aren’t I? ffs

Daisy’s accepting that this is their last mission.

“This is what we were fighting for.” Which issss….?

It really is the end, huh.

The finale will make me cry. There’s not many SHIELD episodes that have made me do that. I think the one that made me cry the most was the spy’s goodbye. And I seem to remember crying when Fitzsimmons were at the bottom of the ocean, and then laughing through my sobs bc the shot of Fury coming down from the helicopter, arm outstretched like Jesus was the most hilarious thing I had ever seen; but other than that? Not many.

I’m excited and terrified at the same time. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. HELP.

#agents of shield #aos #Phil Coulson #melinda may #Daisy Johnson #Mack #yo yo rodriguez #jemma simmons #leo fitz #fitzsimmons #marvel #MCU #tv #finale #The Final Mission #help

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angelic-holland · 5 years ago

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Puzzle Pieces // th x fem!reader

Summary:

Sometimes puzzles don’t quite fit, it’s almost perfect, but that almost perfect doesn’t make a puzzle whole.

Falling out of love wasn’t earth-shattering, it wasn’t a big revelation that hit you all at once, your world didn’t crumble to the ground around you quickly. Falling out of love was almost as painful as falling in love. Filled with many of the same moments, your chest tightens when you see them, your eyes grow wide when you think about your future, unsure and so wickedly unaware, you wonder if they ever loved you at all, or if that was the piece of the puzzle that didn’t quite fit. Defective. A factory mess up. Wasn’t meant to be.

Warnings: angst, fluff, smut if you squint

Word Count: an excruciating 10k

A/N: (***) indicates a time skip, long groups of italics indicate a flashback

One night you came across a Spiderman puzzle in the window of a toy store.

The look of pure excitement when he came back from filming Spiderman: Homecoming to see you laying on the carpet with Tessa, the puzzle box sat in front of you was all he needed to know that he was home.

“Hey baby, what’s this?” He asks, setting his suitcase by the door and greeting Tessa who ran up to him, jumping up and slobbering kisses all over his face.

“Thought it would be fun, a little puzzle for us to do while you’re here,” you shrug, “saw it in the window of the toy store on my way to work and thought of you.”

“Tessa’s gonna destroy this in a minute,” he laughs as he settles on the floor next to you, Tessa curling up by his side.

“Then we’ve got one minute to appreciate our work of art,” you grin, dumping the puzzle pieces out of the box.

It’s 100 pieces but it’s been a while since either of you have completed a puzzle so you and Tom spend the rest of the night giggling and playfully fighting over which red piece fits where on the spidersuit.

“It’s 2am,” you groan, Tom’s foot playing with your own as you push down the last piece of the puzzle.

“We’re like two pieces of a puzzle, fit together perfectly,” he says, fingers running over the last piece you added.

“That’s cute,” you smile, looking at your work.

Tessa was sound asleep next to Tom, stirring slightly as he moved to kiss you.

You rolled onto your back, Tom straddling your hips, “missed you,” He says, leaving kisses along your cheek to your mouth.

“Missed you more,” you sigh against his lips before your hands slid into his hair, letting yourself get lost in the feeling of his weight on top of you, one hand holding himself up, the other softly stroking your cheek.

His tongue met yours and you giggled as you heard Tessa rustling above you and the inevitable crack of the puzzle getting torn apart as she walked over it, wet tongue licking a stripe up Tom’s cheek, causing him to pull apart from you, body shaking with laughter.

“Tessa! Mum and dad are getting busy here,” he grins, rolling off of you and standing up, offering his hand to you.

“Are we locking her out of the room tonight?” You say excitedly as he pulls you down the hallway.

“Technically it’s morning, but yes, Tessa, it’s bedtime, we’ve got important business to get to.”

“Wait! She’s gonna eat those puzzle pieces if we don’t pick them up,” you say, pausing in your path.

“I’ll put it away, you go get naked,” he says, pointing at your bedroom and giving your ass a light slap before running back to the living room.

You laugh as you hear him greet Tessa again, the sound of the puzzle getting put back in the box moving to the back of your mind as you quickly pull your clothes off, laying on the bed and waiting for Tom.

“Tessa!” You hear him shout and you see the grey dog run into your room, jumping on the bed as Tom scrambles in, too late.

You’re in stitches as you pull the sheet over your naked form, giving Tessa a belly rub as Tom leans against the door. Eyes twinkling as he watches you both.

“My two favorite girls,” he teases as he tosses his jacket on the ground.

“Can we kick one of your favorite girls out, the other’s got a welcome back present for you,” you smirk and Tom nods.

“Get lost Y/N, Tessa and I have some cuddling to make up for.”

“Tom!” You scoff, tossing the sheet aside and crossing your arms, which may or may not have pushed your breasts up front and center.

“I’m kidding, pretty girl, now what’s that welcome back present you had in mind?” He laughs as Tessa jumps off the bed to greet him again.

Tom ushers Tessa out, giving her one last cuddle before closing the door, raising his eyebrow as he slowly strips for you.

“Hurry up mister, I’ve missed you,” you say, holding your hands out to urge him into bed.

“As you wish pretty girl,” he smirks.

You two spent the rest of the early morning rolling around in the sheets, making up for lost time, whispered and breathless “I love you” as you both took turns making each other feel just right. And you both were giggling, giggling when his elbow accidentally smacked the headboard or when you told him to “use your spidey strength”.

You remember telling your friend how you and Tom would usually find something to laugh about during sex and at first she said that was weird but then she quickly changed her mind.

“If you're able to find someone who can make you feel really good AND make you laugh while doing it? You must be in love.”

And you smiled because she’s right, you were head over heels in love.

***

And so it became a thing. Tom would leave for a little bit, you ignored how long he was gone, because it didn’t hurt as much if you weren’t constantly counting down the days until he’s back.

You would go about your normal routine, finding more and more elaborate puzzles for you to piece together when he got home.

“Hey gorgeous, I missed you,” He says, laying on his stomach next to you, hand gently resting atop your own as you smiled at him, Tessa vying for his attention on the other side, nose nuzzling his head as he gives you a quick kiss.

“How was filming?” You ask as he pets Tessa with his other hand.

“Tiring, but nothing would make me happier than making this puzzle, what’ve we got today?” He asks, eyes twinkling with interest as your hand sifts through the small puzzle pieces in front of you.

“The Iron Man mask,” you nod at the box in front of you.

“Using the box is cheating!” He says hand moving to shove it away.

“Is not! It’s just a tool we can use if we get stuck.”

“But we never get stuck, not really, we work too well to not be able to figure out a little puzzle,” Tom smiles, breaking out into a chuckle when Tessa nudges a piece of the puzzle with her nose towards him.

“I think she wants us to start,” you smirk, and Tom nods, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as the two of you concentrate on putting the puzzle together while you talk about the fun times he had on set with the cast and crew of Endgame, the conversation quickly turns to the best villain in the MCU, which he argues is “totally Thanos since they’ve been building it up for years and years.”

“Nope,” you grin, confident in your pick.

“Then who?” He asks, hand fiddling with a puzzle, only a few pieces left.

“Ego!”

“What? No way,” he says, shaking his head.

“Okay hear me out, you think he’s a good guy to start with right? Quill’s dad, finally found him after years and years of searching for him. You’re rooting for him and you keep rooting for him as he tells the story of how Quill’s mom and him fell in love, and you see Quill slowly let his guard down, his wall crumbles, he’s got a dad and he just wants to know more about him, who he is, what he can do. And it turns out who he thought was his dad was the villain all along. Absolutely devastating, nobody cares about Thanos or whatever shit backstory they’ll give him.”

“Okay, okay, I think you won this round, reminds me, let’s rewatch the guardians movies sometime okay? We can have a movie night?”

“I’d love that,” you say as your hand holds the final piece of the puzzle.

His hand covers your own as you gently place it where it belongs, the edges matching perfectly with the surrounding pieces.

“We’re like two pieces of a puzzle,” Tom starts and you erupt into giggles as his hand tickles you.

“We fit together perfectly,” you are able to finish as he kisses along your neck.

How something so perfect could fall apart so easily?

The answer to this question kept you up at night.

***

“Hey,” Tom huffs out as he collapses on the couch next to you, a small smile adorning his lips when Tessa sneaks from across your lap to lay between the two of you.

“Hi,” you grin, head resting on his shoulder as his hand intertwined with your own.

“Missed you,” he mumbles and you smile.

“Missed you more,” you breathe out. It was all seemed so easy. The little moments like this, the moments right after he returned, seeing him after he’s gone made your heart flutter. You were just so happy to have him home you wanted to spend every second he was back with him. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible, you had work, you both had friends and family, but regardless, you carved out as much time as possible to spend with him. That’s why these silly little puzzles were so important to you. Because it was something the two of you did together, you always did, and it was something to look forward to.

The puzzle is sitting on the table in front of you, open but not disturbed.

“Shall we?” You ask, nodding towards the puzzle on the coffee table in front of you, a new addition to your living room. You should’ve had a coffee table when you first moved in together but it wasn’t something either of you thought much about until your mom jokingly chastised you about it.

“Where would you put your drinks, where would you put popcorn and snacks while you watch movies? And your coasters, just get a coffee table, you won’t regret it.”

And so you did, went on a furniture run and picked up a small coffee table that Tom and you put together one day. You smile at the memory.

***

“I can totally help,” you say, holding up the directions as Tom’s gentle hands build the coffee table.

“You’re holding the instructions upside down,” he laughs, turning them in your hands.

“I totally knew that,” you huff, smiling at him before showing him the next step.

He looked so hot building it, sweat beading on his forehead, eyebrows knitted in concentration as he built. Biceps flexing as he moved.

The second it was finished you practically jumped him, kissing him deeply.

“Did this turn you on?” He laughs as he sets you on the coffee table.

“Careful! We don’t want it to break!” You say, about to get up when his hands spread your thighs.

“Nah, I built it, it’s pretty sturdy, promise, we can test it out right now,” he says, kissing up your thigh.

“Great plan,” you breathe out.

***

“Guess so,” Tom says with a shrug, eyes no longer glimmering in excitement.

You watch as he kneels on the floor, you follow suit and sit next to him. You move to rest your head on his shoulder and he leans back to stretch at the same time, making you almost fall into his lap.

Maybe before it would be funny, you’d laugh and lay there as he played with your hair. The vibration of his body from his laughter comforting you. Now you just sat back up, head tilting curiously at the man next to you, seemingly a stranger as he fumbled around with the puzzle pieces, slowly placing each one in their spot. It was a big picture of dogs, one of which reminded you of Tessa, which was the reason you bought it.

“This puzzle’s boring,” he sighs as you're about halfway finished. The conversation at a stalemate, neither of you had much to say. You never did anymore. Telephone conversations while he was gone were now short and to the point. You started counting down the days until Tom was home, each day filling your heart with a sloshy mix of impending doom and heartache. Your mind wasn’t sure whether to be excited about his return, or afraid that the inevitable was quickly approaching.

“We don’t haveta finish it now, let’s just go to bed, you’ve had a long day,” you say, moving your hand to rest on top of his. His hand is tense and stiff under yours. Cold.

“Okay,” he mumbles, getting up, your hand drops to the ground, neglected. Before he would pull you up with him, kissing you like he did on your first date, short but sweet and passionate. Now it was a mumbled goodnight as you both turned in opposite directions on the bed, Tessa squeezing between the two of you. An unspoken barrier as you slept.

***

“Maybe another night,” Tom smiles as he greets you, hand tugging you into the bedroom when he got back from filming reshoots of Chaos Walking.

You figured he wanted to spend the night doing something else, something a little more R rated than a puzzle.

You sigh into his hug, his arms no longer bone crushing, lung squeezing, just limp around your waist.

“Missed you,” you mumble into his neck, kissing along it while his hands tighten on your hips. You think he’s going to pull you to him, make his body flush with your own, having you panting and moaning his name until the sunrise reminds you that you have other things to do.

Finally.

“Not tonight,” he says, hands pushing your body gently away from him.

“Okay,” you nod, head dropping to look at the ground, the empty space. Feeling the wall between you get thicker, once paper thin it’s now tough concrete.

“Just tired,” he sighs, stripping off his T-shirt and laying on the bed.

You follow suit, brushing your teeth, taking a very hot and very long shower to mask the tears you let trickle down your face.

When did his body start to feel so cold against your own? The hot water running over your bare skin reminds you of the heat you’d feel rise to your cheeks when he said he loved you, even after 4 years those three words managed to make you blush. It reminded you of his fingers dragging along your skin as you welcomed him home, an activity that wasn’t very common now.

When you got back he was fast asleep, body curled up with Tessa behind him.

You smile at the sight, something that never failed to make you smile even when you felt like this.

You changed into your sleep shorts and one of his shirts, carefully climbing into the bed so you didn’t disturb him.

As you lay, breath shallow, heartbeat fast against your ribcage, you faced the wall, staring at the window as the stars twinkled outside, wishing you were anywhere but here.

You freeze when you feel his hands pull you closer to him, head resting on your shoulder as your back rests against his chest.

Your body relaxes as his fingers run up and down your arm, goosebumps erupting along your skin, heart slowing to normal.

He’s silent, maybe he’s asleep, maybe he was just waiting for you to fall asleep so he can roll to the side and ignore you for the rest of the night.

You pushed aside the fear you would wake up next to an empty spot, covers pushed down, cold where Tom used to lay. You wanted to appreciate the now. Because you honestly didn’t know how much of this you had left.

As your breathing slowed to normal, your body much more relaxed against his own, you felt his lips mouth something against your skin, the words barely there, hardly scratching the surface of reality.

“Like pieces of a puzzle,” he says, voice groggy and sleep riddled.

That had to be the only way he’d say it now, in his sleep, he hasn’t said it in what felt like ages, why say it now?

“fit together perfectly,” he says, voice soft against your neck, legs intertwining with your own.

Perfectly.

You let out a shaky breath, “love you.”

“Love you too,” he mumbles against your neck, kissing it gently.

He’s not asleep. You feel the concrete wall start to crumble.

***

Tom had to stay an extra day in Korea. Which would’ve been fine if he called and told you. You got home from work earlier last night, changing into a pretty dress, the same dress you wore on your first date, long and floral printed. You and he had plans to go to a fancy restaurant near your flat, he’d meet you there once his flight landed.

The embarrassment you felt sitting in that fancy restaurant, hair done, makeup done, nursing a vodka soda while the waiter would come to check in every once and awhile was mortifying.

“Your significant other here?” He’d ask and you’d smile sadly.

“Think he’s ditched me,” you laugh, feeling the tears well in your eyes.

You quickly paid for the alcohol and left, not wanting to embarrass yourself further.

You allowed yourself a long shower, letting the mirror fog up with the steam from the heat.

Scrub. Scrub. Scrub.

Scrub the makeup off your face. You only did it to try to make Tom smile, maybe he’d call you his beautiful girlfriend and your smile would be so wide you swore it looked stupid, then he’d say he loved your stupidly wide smile. He was never a fan of your put downs. Always encouraging you to talk about the things you liked about yourself instead.

Scrub. Scrub. Scrub.

Scrub the heat into your skin, pretend it’s Tom because the only heat you’ve gotten is the heat you feel when you’re arguing, a bad heat, nasty as a forest fire that’s about to destroy something beautiful.

Scrub. Scrub. Scrub.

Scrub the pain in your heart when you think about what was and what is the status of your relationship.

Previously full of sensual I love you’s and long phone conversations when he filmed, about anything and everything and nothing at all, just to hear each other’s voices.

Now it’s mumbled and what felt like insincere love you’s and phone conversations you weren’t even sure could count as conversations. Mainly “I’ll be home then” and “I miss you”.

Did you miss him?

Once when he was finishing his press tour in China he told you over the phone he heard a song and made him think of you. You were shocked into silence. What did you say? What could you say? You weren’t expecting him to say something like that. You also didn’t expect him to think about you when he was away. Always busy, interviews, friends, photo shoots. Did he have time to stop and think about you? Despite constantly thinking about him, you figured his cold hands and concrete wall told you all you needed to know.

“Yeah, they were playing English hits through the years and one of them was No One Like You, by the Scorpians, have ya heard it?”

“No.”

“Well I dunno, just made me think of you is all.”

“I guess I’ll listen to it then.”

“You should. I gotta go but I love you okay?”

“Love you too.”

You got out of the shower and wrapped yourself in a towel, feet now cold against the floor of your flat you changed into your pajamas, another one of Tom’s T-shirt’s, your eyes welled up at the scent. The scent of him, clinging to your body in the form of his dark blue shirt. It smelled like expensive cologne masked by nature, the smell of pine and grass from walks with Tessa.

You settled on the couch, staring at the puzzle you had set up before leaving for the restaurant, lip quivering as you called him.

“Hi baby, how are you?”

“Forgetting something?” You ask, nothing but bitter discontent in your voice.

“Fuck,” you hear him groan.

“It’s fine, had my first vodka soda in ages while looking like a loser whose date stood her up. It was fun,” you lie.

“They needed me to stay another day, I’m sorry,” his tone pleading but not apologetic.

“Well you could’ve told me.”

“I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know they’d want me here another day? Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad at you Tom! I’m really not! Enjoy South Korea, please,” you sigh into the phone, fingers tapping at the coffee table, Tessa curled up by your side.

“I should’ve called you last night when I found out. The timezones are messing with my head.”

“It’s fine,” your tone portraying the exact opposite.

All it took was one phone call, so fucking easy. Even a text message would suffice. Anything to tell you that he wouldn’t be home.

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

“I’m tired, it’s late, I’m gonna go to bed,” you say, pausing, waiting for him to say something, an I love you.

“Okay.”

It never came.

You hung up before any more words passed between you. Besides, what else was there to say?

***

You’re exhausted as you slip out of your work clothes, tugging on your pajamas as Tessa runs circles around you.

“Taken you for a walk sweetheart, let’s go wait for dad alright?” You say, feet dragging your tired body to the couch, all but collapsing on it as Tessa wriggles her body to lay right on top of you.

“Silly girl,” you giggle, eyeing the puzzle box on the coffee table. He’d get home and you’d put the puzzle together and you’d laugh as his hand covers your own, nuzzling your neck as he whispers, “we’re two puzzle pieces, fit together perfectly,” as the last piece slides in.

That��s what you wanted.

Lately, it was a lot of, “Maybe tomorrow”, “this puzzle’s boring”, the puzzle boxes accumulating dust as they sat on your bookshelf.

You hear the turn of the lock and Tom’s feet dragging into the apartment, much the same style as yours.

“Hi,” he mumbles out, not bothering to stop in the living room like he always did when he returned from filming or press.

Tessa perks up and jumps off you, running to greet Tom.

“Hi princess,” he greets her, voice enthusiastic and excited. You don’t even bother getting up as he walks down the hallway to your bedroom. You hear Tessa move back and jump up on the couch with you, whining and nudging your head to look back at the damn puzzle.

You grumble, sitting up and opening the puzzle box, spreading the puzzle out in front of you. You bought one with the London Eye, where Tom took you on your first date. Hoping, praying, that maybe this would bring back the long lost spark in his eyes when he looked at you.

You settled in on the floor, leaning against the couch with Tessa curled up next to you.

“Might as well,” you sigh, collecting the edge pieces.

Your heart pounded in your chest as you waited for a ‘goodnight’ that never came.

What the hell were you doing here?

You feel a tear slip down your cheek and you laugh bitterly when Tessa licks it off, groaning at her slobber.

“Tess,” you giggle, hands busying themselves with fitting the edges together. You worked and worked as you heard Tom moving around in your bedroom.

Eventually, the noise stopped, he must be asleep. And you didn’t blame him, flights all over the world really wore him down and he had every right to sleep. You couldn’t be mad at him either, for forgetting your date, for losing touch with reality when he was away. You could never be mad at him, not truly. Your hands work mindlessly putting together the puzzle and you ignore the dull ache in your heart. You don’t even recognize that you’re still crying until your tears drop onto the puzzle. Your hand shakes as you wipe them away, body shaking with silent sobs.

What happened?

Time happened.

Distance happened.

You didn’t try anymore, neither of you put much care or time into loving each other. It wasn’t effortless like it was in the beginning. Falling in love was so much easier than staying in love. Making time for each other took energy, both exhausted from the toll of life, even going out on a date took a month’s planning. And even then it sometimes didn’t work out.

When was the last time Tom and you went on a date?

You laughed, the thought left a bitter taste in your mouth, face crinkled in disappointment.

Tessa noticed your discomfort and nuzzled her head against your middle, resting her upper body on your legs as you worked.

Time didn’t seem to pass, or it passed all too slowly. One mind didn’t work as fast as two. You wished there were a second set of hands, one resting gently on a part of your body, your waist, thigh, back, the other excitedly helping you piece together the puzzle. His voice sweetly whispering how you two fit together perfectly.

Your hand shook as it picked up the last piece.

This is it.

You’re done.

You gently whispered, “we’re like two pieces of a puzzle, fit together perfectly.” Your voice cracked when you said perfectly like your mind was telling you you’re wrong wrong wrong. There’s no fixing this. You frowned as you attempted to push down the last piece, a side of the London Eye’s base. A very important part, if this were the real thing, the whole infrastructure wouldn’t hold up, but it didn’t seem to fit, no matter how you turned it.

You sat back and your teary eyes scanned the rest of the puzzle, every other piece was where it belonged.

Right?

You grabbed the box, the picture was flipped down, you didn’t want to cheat as Tom would say.

Your eyes darted between the picture and the puzzle in front of you on the coffee table.

Every other piece was right where it needed to be, nothing out of place.

Then why didn’t this piece fit?

Your hands shook as you pressed down the piece into the puzzle.

Fit, fit, fit.

Why won’t you fit?

You didn’t realize you said this out loud until Tessa’s ears perked up, looking at you curiously. She had settled down to rest with her body pressed against yours. Maybe she knew you missed the warmth of Tom’s body pressed tightly by your side.

“I don’t know either,” you laugh, fingers angrily shoving the stupid puzzle piece in. It bounced right out, almost mocking you.

“Come on, come on, come on,” you cry out, knees tucking into your chest as you sobbed, tossing the puzzle piece behind you. Eyes squeezing shut as you breathed harshly through your nose.

Pointless.

You don’t hear the quiet patter of footsteps behind you, you don’t realize Tom was watching you this entire time, you didn’t see Tom sit down on the other side of you, puzzle piece in a shaky hand. Your eyes were squeezed shut, hot tears running down your cheeks.

The feeling of his hand on top of yours on the coffee table made you almost jump out of your skin. Your head turns wearily, forcing your eyes open to look at him.

“It doesn’t fit?” He asks, eyebrows raised.

He had a sad look on his face, it probably mirrored your own, his eyes were the same red-rimmed as yours, mouth downturned into a slight quivering frown.

You quickly shake your head, no, it doesn’t.

You were afraid to speak, of the word vomit that might come out of your mouth. Why is the world so cruel? Why don’t you love me anymore? Why don’t I think I love you anymore? How can we fix this?

Your mind whirled with these questions as his thumb rubbed the skin of your hand. Warmth spread through your hand, up your arm as his arms draped over your own.

You stared at the puzzle with the missing piece, the emptiness of the wooden coffee table between parts of the London Eye staring back at you, almost making fun of the hollowness you felt in your heart as it pounded against your chest.

“No, no, no! It’s pointless, fucking pointless,” you shriek.

What was pointless?

Surely you looked like a hysterical mess, arms throwing his off, hands tearing apart the intricate patterns that hold each puzzle piece to the next.

“Hey, Hey, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m here,” he says, voice shaking much like your body does as your hands toss the stupid puzzle on the ground, piece after piece.

“You’re here,” you choke out between sobs.

“Yes, I’m here, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, not for a while, I’m here.”

He kept repeating himself, voice stronger and more sure with each “I’m here.”

Your hand grips the puzzle piece you’re holding tightly, the other closing in a fist and hitting the ground next to you.

“Y/N…” he sighs, his arms wrapping tightly around you, not letting up as you try to swat him away, fist hitting his arm again and again as you cry.

Bone crushing. Lung squeezing.

Slowly your hand drops the puzzle piece to the ground, other hand gripping his bicep, tears staining his gray shirt as your head stayed tight against his shoulder.

He let you cry in that awkward position, both your upper bodies turned to face each other but legs splayed out in front of you for a while. He was whispering into your hair as his hands steadied you into reality.

“I’m here,” he says, voice so sure, being strong for the both of you as you continued to cry.

Steadily he moved his arms to pull you into his lap, your legs perpendicular with his own as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, clutching onto the back of his shirt. You were afraid, afraid that if you let go he would leave again, leave you cold and abandoned, the puzzle pieces scattered around you a cruel reminder of your state of being.

“Don’t go,” you whisper, voice hoarse as his hands gently run up and down your back underneath your, his, shirt.

You felt warmth spread throughout your body, a gentle warmth that you missed, the feeling of his fingers against your body welcoming.

“Never, never ever,” he whispers and you can’t help but think about how that was a promise that couldn’t help but be broken, there would always be another movie, always an obligation that took him away from you, and that was okay, because he was doing what he loved and you loved that he was happy. But worry and doubt couldn’t help but seep into your mind as you wondered if he would be better off with someone who had the same career, who could travel with him, who understood what it was like to be so utterly destroyed from jetlag. Understood parts of him you never could.

“Y/N?” He asks, thumbs running over your ribs as you took deep breaths, your eyes blinking away a few remaining tears, smaller hands still tightly gripping his shirt, your body is no longer shaking with sobs.

You hum against his shoulder, afraid of what you’d say if you speak.

“I’m sorry,” his voice is soft and sincere, he wants you to know how much he means it, how much saying this in person means.

What is he apologizing for?

For the increasing distance between you both the past few months. For not saying “I love you” enough even though he was always thinking about it. For being gone when you needed each other. For short phone calls that he wishes he could extend but he was just so tired. For the sleepiness in his voice, the bags under his eyes and the stars that died in his eyes ages ago, now just filled with utter exhaustion. And it wasn’t any fault of yours, nor his, not really. Things got in the way, it wasn’t this hard when he was gone on the Homecoming press tour, what changed?

But he didn’t want to tell you all this now. He wanted to make things right, he’s wanted to make things right for a while but he never found the time. Neither of you did. But he was determined to make time.

His heartbeat was painful against his chest as you continued to quietly sniffle, trying to collect yourself.

“I’m sorry too,” you whisper against him. He shifts under you slightly.

“Don’t go,” you whimper, heart racing in your chest. Now’s the time he tells you he’s sorry but he can’t do this anymore, now’s the time that the concrete wall becomes unbreakable.

You didn’t realize you were falling asleep until Tom’s hands started to lift you, your heavy-lidded eyes opening wide.

“Don’t go,” you mumble again, please.

Your voice sounded so small and broken, Tom’s heart ached hearing how hurt you were.

You both needed to stop being so stubborn and just lay out all your feelings, everything that’s happened in the past few months on the table. Now wasn’t the time though. You were falling asleep against him, grateful for his warm body against yours.

Tom came home exhausted but was now wide awake, mind reeling with every possible scenario that could happen.

I don’t love you anymore, you’d say, and his world would all but collapse.

I love you but I don’t know how to make this work, again his world would cave in on itself.

You could ghost him, something he had never thought of before but for some reason that idea was front and center. The thought of you completely dropping out of his life after so long caused his heart to pound in his chest.

“Gimme a second, let’s get you more comfy,” he says, strong arms moving back to your waist, helping you off him, your hands reluctantly letting go of his shirt as you slumped down on the ground.

“Come to bed, you need to rest,” he says, standing up with his hand outstretched.

You quickly took his hand in your own, he helped you stand up, your legs shaking as you looked at him, wide eyes staring into your own.

“Here,” he says, hands moving to grip your thighs, letting you jump into his arms.

It wasn’t an excited jump, like when you picked him up from the airport for the first, and last, thanks paparazzi, a twirl me around I’ve missed you and this is a cheesy romance film from the 1950s, jump. This jump was a jump of sheer exhaustion, both of you worried your legs wouldn’t be able to carry you the few feet to your bedroom.

“I-, I-, I,” you try to get the words past your throat but they don’t work. Scared of the response you might get, or the lack thereof.

“Shhh, I got you,” he whispers into your ear as he sets you down on the edge of the bed, tugging his t-shirt over his head before helping you lay down, facing away from him, your body flush against his warm chest.

You smiled weakly at how warm you felt with him next to you, the conversation you would eventually have to have pushed to the back of your mind.

“I’ve got you,” he reassures you, hand running up and down your arm as the other rested under your head, trying to be as close as he could to you. He never wanted to let you go again. Your legs shook still and he noticed this, brows knitted in worry. He gently used one of his legs and guided it between your own, hoping the extra warmth and closeness will help calm you down.

You’re silent as your heart tries to calm down, hands gripping the sheets in front of you as you stare out the window, the night sky clear and beautiful, stars twinkling.

“We needa talk,” you hear Tom say against your shoulder as the heavy weight of the day pushes you to sleep.

***

You wake up the next morning, heart still heavy with the events of the night before, now laying on your back. You yawn, still tired. Always tired.

Your hand reaches out to rest of Tom’s warm chest next to yours but you’re met with a cold bed.

Fuck.

You quickly get up, the sheets shoved to the side as you raced out of your room. You expect to hear Tom moving around, Tessa as well. But it’s silent.

The silence of the apartment is the loudest thing you’ve ever heard as you run down the hallway, checking the bathroom, no, the guest bedroom, no, the kitchen and living room were empty too.

The sinking feeling in your gut almost made you cry, tears welling in your eyes as your knees buckled and you almost fell to the ground. Out of the corner of your blurry vision you saw breakfast sitting at the kitchen table. What looked like a smoothie, eggs, toast. You tilted your head and moved closer, seeing a piece of paper with Tom’s handwriting scribbled on it.

You quickly sat down, shaking hand picking up the note.

“Took Tess on a walk, made you some breakfast before you haveta go to work, I hope you slept okay, love you, Tom xx”

You smiled at the piece of paper in your hand, heart fluttering as you imagined him waking up and taking the time to make you breakfast. The effort it took to make something other than cereal for breakfast when you both couldn’t cook very well.

Time and effort.

You blinked away the tears as you ate, fingers tapping along the kitchen table. You had to be at work at 10, 10 to 5, another long day you didn’t think you could handle. But there’s no way they’d find someone to cover for you in such a short notice. What time was it anyways?

Shit. 9:30. You had hardly enough time to quickly change into a nice blue dress and grab your purse, eyes darting to the living room, expecting to see the mess from the puzzle all over the floor.

Gone.

The puzzle was no longer strewn on the floor, the puzzle box not sitting up right on the coffee table.

You wonder if Tom picked it up after you fell asleep. His body leaving your own, leaving you cold. You wonder if he put it on the bookshelf with the rest of your puzzles so you ignore the ticking clock, telling you that work is waiting, walking quickly to the bookshelf that had your set of puzzles from over the years, all sitting perfectly still, dust collecting over the past few months.

You rummaged through all of them, even though you knew deep down it wasn’t here.

Where’d he take it?

You didn’t have time to dwell on everything so you pushed everything down and headed out.

***

Tom watched as you slept, his mind running a mile a minute, not letting him sleep. He thought about the puzzle you got, the London Eye, he wondered if you got it because it made you think of your first date. He wondered if he could ever recreate the feeling of your first date, not the awkwardness but the feeling as you left the London Eye, the feeling that he knew deep down you were the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

You were the daughter of his mom’s new friend. The two of them decided to make you meet once, while they were out for coffee. It was an awkward meeting to say the least. He thought you were pretty, beautiful, and after he shook your hand he was flustered and looking for something to compliment you without being weird.

“I really like the way your skin feels,” He stammers.

What the fuck was that Tom? He thinks, almost smacking himself.

Your eyes grew wide, an eyebrow raised, your cheeks slightly blushing but not a match to his tomato reds.

“Nice handshake,” you laugh and Nikki elbows him.

The next day you agree to go on a date with him, telling him to make it worth your while.

He brought you to the London Eye. As soon as you arrived he sort of regretted it, the line atrocious, wait times were upwards of an hour. You looked so pretty in your floral dress and he managed to compliment you normally this time, saying how pretty the red dress looked, telling you that lilies were his favorite flower, loving the pattern of them.

He was worried you’d be annoyed with having to wait for so long to go on the Eye, something you’ve probably done before, and only for a short time. What type of date was that?

But as the line moved, slowly but surely, you allowed yourself to open up, the conversation flowing from what you were in school for to him becoming a professional certified carpenter, something his mom made him do when he never got called back about auditions. You felt the disappointment in his voice when he talked about auditioning and never getting the role so you changed subjects, he laughed when you stopped your rambling for a moment to stare at him, eyebrows knitted in concentration as your eyes roamed his face.

“This patch of freckles,” you say, fingers lightly tracing the side of his face, “looks like Ursa Major.”

“Hmm?” He asks, head tilted to the side as his eyes slipped shut, appreciating the feeling of your hand on his face.

“The constellation,” you say, finger lightly tracing the constellation among his freckles.

“Never noticed that before,” he sighs.

You’re at the front of the line.

You hop onto the capsule, ignoring as it filled with other people, situating yourself at the end, Tom standing beside you.

“It’s so pretty up here,” you smile as the capsule takes you up.

He turns, his body facing you. Your body was turned towards him but your head was turned and watching the sunset over the London skyline.

“It really is,” he says, eyes meeting yours as your head turns.

And before he realizes what he’s doing or that there are other people in the capsule, or that this was your first date and you hardly knew each other he was kissing you. It was short and sweet and he pulled away quickly because he wasn’t sure if you were going to kiss him back and he was afraid he made things awkward. He was blushing and before he had a chance to comprehend your response your hands are gripping his shirt, pulling him back down to your lips for a longer kiss, his hands resting lightly on your hips. You kiss like you’re the only two people on the capsule, eyes shut as your hands release his shirt and he hopes and prays you don’t let go or pull away, sighing into the kiss when your hands softly rest against his chest. Neither of you pulled away or even thought to pull apart until someone coughed loudly behind you, making you both blush and pull your lips apart, foreheads resting against each other.

“Wow,” you mumble, lips smiling as his thumb rubbed your hip over your dress.

“Wow,” he repeats, eyes twinkling.

***

And so Tom knew what he had to do. He woke up early, letting you sleep, he knew you would miss his body next to yours but he had a plan. A plan to bring you back to where you first kissed, your first date, and not try to recreate that moment because that wasn’t genuine, it wouldn’t feel right. But to remind you and himself of all the reasons you fell in love in the first place.

He sent a text to Harry and Sam, enlisting their help before making his way to the living room, eyes sad as he observed the mess from the night before. Tessa followed along behind him quietly, nose nudging some of the puzzle pieces as he picked them up, placing them in the box.

He called his mom, knowing she would have a better idea of how to make his plan a reality. They talked in hushed whispers over the phone before he decided to make you breakfast before taking Tessa on a walk. He contemplated sending you a next to let you know where he would be but he decided that a handwritten note would be better.

Please, please let this work.

Please come back to me.

***

Your day was filled with mundane tasks at the library, there was no children’s reading hour so you spent the majority of your time putting away books, cleaning, and checking people out. You focused on the busy work to distract yourself from Tom’s sleepy words last night.

We need to talk.

Who says that? People who are about to break up with their girlfriend, that’s who.

Your mind continued to repeat those words, we need to talk.

Talk about what? How we can’t seem to make time for each other anymore? How you once traced constellations along his freckles and now you could hardly spend five minutes with him before he was on to the next adventure? How you had both grown tired and the growing strain on your relationship was too much to handle?

How you missed him so much, you missed him even when he was here because he was so distant. His words, his hands, his body, his eyes a million miles away even when he was sitting right next to you.

You said goodbye to your coworker before you made the walk home, not bothering to check your phone, there probably wasn’t anything from Tom anyways.

You made it back home, expecting Tessa and Tom to be hanging out on the sofa, catching up on Love Island or some other TV show he hadn’t gotten the chance to see while he was busy.

The flat was empty.

You sighed, ignoring the living room and the reminder of your breakdown as you tossed your purse on your bed, laying down and taking a few deep breaths.

We need to talk.

You reluctantly got up and walked to the kitchen, you hadn’t had anything to eat since this morning so you were starving.

You grabbed a go-to of yours, peanut butter and jelly, too exhausted to make any dinner. You took your sandwich to the couch, about to sit down when you see the puzzle on the coffee table, you pause, feet stuck to the ground, a bite of your sandwich in your mouth, wide open. You quickly swallow before kneeling on the ground at the coffee table. The sandwich is forgotten next to a bouquet of flowers, lilies, your stomach erupted with butterflies.

You glanced at the puzzle sitting on the coffee table, the London Eye, but it was complete, no missing piece in sight.

This wasn’t the same one you did last night.

Next to it was another note in Tom’s handwriting.

“If you know, you know. Meet me at 6:30.”

Your heart started pounding as you checked the time, it was already 5:45. You knew right away where he wanted to meet you, the completed puzzle told you everything you needed to know.

***

Your mind raced as you sat in the back of the Uber, one hand tightly gripping your purse as the other tapped along your leg, bouncing up and down. You were never nervous for dates with Tom. At least you were going to assume that’s what this was until he said otherwise.

“Date night?” the woman driving you asks and you nod, gulping.

“Yep,” you voice shakes slightly with a nervous stutter.

The rest of the car is silent as you pull up to where you were 100% sure Tom would be.

As you walk up to the daunting ride, you look through the crowd of people, people taking pictures, people standing in line, looking for Tom.

You find him leaning against the railing by the water, wearing a blue button up shirt and nice dress pants. He looked beautiful in the slowly setting sun.

He waved, a backpack slung over his shoulder. Your feet moved faster and faster as you met him, breathless.

“Hi,” you smiled, faltering slightly, still so god damn unsure.

“Hey,” He says, your eyes widened as they searched his eyes, finding a slight glimmer amongst the chocolate brown.

“What happened to the puzzle?” You ask, head tilted questioningly as you let your hand slip and intertwine with his as you stood in front of him.

“It’s kind of a long story, but uh, shall we take a ride?” Tom asks, nodding at the Eye on your right.

“We’ll have all of fifteen minutes,” you try to explain and his other hand runs up and down your other arm.

Step closer, search for those stars in his eyes and on his cheeks.

And your body moves with your thoughts, chest flush with his as your hand rests against his chest.

“I’ve missed you,” you say, eyes darting between his eyes and his lips.

“I don’t want to miss you anymore,” he whispers, voice barely audible against the background noise.

You close your eyes, lips frowning as you thought about his words.

He didn’t want to miss you anymore?

What did he mean?

He noticed your curiosity and disappointment and shock over what he was saying, quickly following up.

“I just, I miss you constantly, and I don’t want to miss you anymore because I don’t want to be away from you. I can’t spend this much time away from you anymore. It’s breaking my heart,” he says, tears welling in his eyes as your thumb strokes his chest.

“Then I guess I don’t wanna miss you anymore either,” you giggle, blinking away a few tears, his hand moving up your arm to cup your face.

“Good,” he nods, wetting his lips as he stared at your own.

Your hand gripped his shirt, pulling his face down to meet yours, kissing him, mouths conveying everything that your words couldn’t.

“You know, I got us a special capsule,” he says when your lips finally pull apart, your cheek resting against his, lips ghosting your earlobe.

“Mhm? What’s that?” You ask, eyes glancing at the London Eye next to you.

“They call it the couple’s capsule or something, we get the whole thing to ourselves and we get extra time and everything,” his voice rising in excitement.

“And we still should talk,” he finishes, eyes looking in yours for cracks to your exterior.

“Okay,” you say quietly, eyes looking at the ground between you, your feet planted between his tapping against it.

“Come on, let’s head up,” he says, quickly kissing your cheek before dragging you along with him.

“What about the line?” you ask, nodding towards the long line of people all waiting in the evening summer heat for a few moments on the Eye.

“Nah, we get to skip ahead,” he says, coming to a little side entrance.

You board the capsule and Tom slips off his backpack, setting it down on the bench before sitting down, tapping the space next to him.

You sit down, sighing as his hand moves to rest on your thigh, appreciating the warmth of his hand against your bare leg.

“I’m sorry,” Tom starts and you interrupt.

“No, I’m sorry,” your eyes pleading with Tom to let you talk, to give you the opportunity to say what you so desperately need to.

“I’m sorry for being so distant lately, when you’re home, when we talk on the phone. I guess I just couldn’t put in the effort, I guess I was scared that you stopped caring, so I tried to not care either and this is what it got us into this mess.”

“Why wouldn’t I care? Y/N, I could never stop caring about you, I’m so fucking in love with you, hearing you cry, feeling how upset you are, it breaks my heart so bad, I can’t stand seeing you upset. I wish I could take away all your pain, I want to do better. Life’s slowed down and I’m back for a good while. We can be us again, we can see cheesy old romance movies at the drive in, we can take Tessa to the dog park, I can attempt to teach you how to golf again, we can have sex,” Tom pauses, eyes searching your face for your reaction.

You giggled then paused.

In.

“In?” You ask, lips quivering as you spoke.

“In? What do you mean?” He asks, eyebrows knitted in confusion.

“You said you’re in love with me.”

“Well yeah,” he says, a nervous laughter bubbling up his chest and out of his mouth, cheeks flushing like when you first met, “been in love with ya for a while.”

“Well yeah, you love me, I love you too, but you’ve never said that before, that you’re in love with me.”

“Huh,” Tom says, fingers pausing their movement on your thigh.

“I’m in love with you too,” you say in one breath, hand covering his own.

“Oh thank god, this would’ve been awkward if you weren’t,” he teases, nudging your side with his elbow.

“I thought, thought you didn’t love me anymore,” you whisper, not sure if you even want to say it out loud.

“What?” he asks, jaw almost dropping as he looks at you, visibly hurt that you would think that.

“And last night, I dunno, that stupid fucking puzzle, when the piece didn’t fit, I thought it was a cruel fucking joke, that we were over and even a child’s toy was mocking us.”

“Have I ever told you that you’re a little bit superstitious?” He says, breathing evening out.

“Not funny, I just thought, there was this wall, right, here,” you say, gesturing to the inch or so between your legs where you weren’t touching, “and it was so thick and I kept pounding on it, but I just gave up. And you didn’t build it, this barrier I felt, maybe I just made it all up in my mind but it felt so real,” you sighed, eyes watching his face as it glows in the setting sun.

Your other hand, the one not resting on top of Tom’s, moves to his cheek, fingers lightly touching the brown freckles against his tanned skin.

“You got some sun,” you comment, “your Ursa Major looks like Orion now,” you observe, fingers tracing the constellation on his skin.

“I’m sorry, if it didn’t seem like I was, uh, like I wasn’t trying as hard to knock that wall down. I was so busy I just never recognized it was there until it was so thick we couldn’t knock it over. Is it, uhm, still there?” He asks, nodding towards the small space between you.

You grin, shaking your head slowly, body inching closer to him, legs and arms touching, “not anymore.”

“I uh, I got you something,” he says, pulling his backpack onto his lap.

“You didn’t haveta-,” you start but let Tom finish.

His hand leaves your thigh as he unzips his backpack.

“They were just little things that made me think of you,” he says, pulling out a small red drawstring bag.

“Oh Tom, this is beautiful,” you whisper, holding up the necklace that glimmered in the sun.

“Got it in Mexico, Harry had put a clip of me with that guy in the video on instagram and I was so worried you’d watch it and figure out I was getting you a present. It’s got a red jewel, your favorite color, and it sparkled so pretty in the sun, and it made me think of you in that red bikini when we went to Hawaii, anyways, I was gonna give you this right away, but mum’s a genius and told me to hang onto it, give you everything altogether when the movie press was over.”

You thumb runs over the jewel, breath quickening as you put the necklace on, smiling at how it fit around your neck, dropping perfectly on your chest.

“From Mexico, yeah, and uh, here, this is from Bali, just a little hand stitched thing, they said if you hang it keeps the bad dreams away,” he says, handing you a beautifully stitched floral pattern on the small patch of white cloth surrounded by a wooden edge.

“Wow,” you smile, watching as Tom pulls yet something else out of his backpack.

“Here, tea from LA, the lady at the tea shop said it helps you sleep, and I know sometimes when I’m not home you can get restless and it takes you a while so. Yeah. And from New York, the new Janet Evanovich book, Becausewhen we were talking on the phone as I was in the book store you were telling me all about the murder mystery she wrote right before it and I saw this one was brand new so, yeah.”

You gulped, looking at the next thing he got as your mind raced with questions.

“And this is really pretty, it’s from China, I thought, it uh, matches your dress, you know the one you wore on our first date,” he says, hands holding a red silk scarf with a floral pattern.

Your hand shakes as you hold it and he pulls something else out.

“From Korea; they call it Hanji, it’s the art of paper making, its super traditional,” he says, gently handing you a delicate piece of paper with a beautiful scene painted on it, a man and woman sitting on a bench, looking at the sunset.

“You, you thought of me,” you whisper, as he puts the gifts back in his bag.

“Why- Yeah, of course I thought of you, every second of every day I’m away I’m thinking about you. I get distracted in interviews because I’m wondering how you would answer the question, or what you’re doing, if you are missing me as much as I’m missing you. And I dunno, I would just see these things and think about you even more cause they remind me of you.”

“Thank you,” your voice cracks as he sets the backpack down and you both stand up. He leads you to the edge of the capsule, you’re almost at the very top of the ride, looking out over the water.

“I want to fix this, because I love you too much to see you hurt, and I love you too much to leave you for so long again,” he whispers, as he pulls you into a hug, arms tight around your waist, head resting atop yours as your cheek presses to his chest.

You immediately reciprocate, arms tight around his shoulders as you smile.

Bone crushing. Lung squeezing.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I stopped trying, but I love you too, and I never wanna stop loving you,” you mumble as he kisses the top of your head.

“And I never wanna stop making puzzles with you, and kissing you,“ he says, kissing all over your face as you laugh in his arms.

Your lips meet his and you’re the only two people in the world as you kiss, mouth open as his tongue meets yours. It’s passionate and it’s yearning and it’s needy and it makes you want to drag him back to your flat and show him how much you missed him.

So that’s exactly what you do. After hours of showing each other just how much you missed each other you shower together, enjoying the heat of his body along with the heat of the water against your skin.

As you lay in bed, facing each other, Tessa laying on the other side of Tom, like you used to, your fingers tapping along his palm, you smile as he intertwined his fingers with your own, thumb rubbing the skin of your hand.

“We’re like two pieces of a puzzle, he says against your lips.

“Fit together perfectly,” you finish together.

***

Taglist: @mutuallynotmutual @importantfireeaglefish @scarletwidow-shipper @la-bellezaa @tom-hollands-blog @spider-babes @practicallylivesonline @rageyoudamnednerd @sunnydays0803 @jackiehollanderr @khhbby @fancyxholland @thomasthetankson @lousimusician @peterbxrnes @relise_thefury @tessathedragon @thewinterslut @euphoricshawn @starsholland

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x fem!reader #tom holland x reader oneshot #tom holland reader insert #tom holland oneshot #tom holland imagine #tom holland one shot #tom holland fic #tom holland angst #tom holland fluff

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i-jus-wanna-writehappy · 5 years ago

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Understanding

Pairing: Steve Rogers x fem!bi!Reader, Carol Danvers x fem!bi!Reader (not necessarily, but kinda)

Warnings: some cursing, I believe, emotional sexual awakening, and some SadStevie

Author’s Note: This is from the prompt list I posted, I just wanted to do something, and I was rewatching Endgame, Brie Larson with short hair? My chest, my dudes, honestly. I’m considering doing a part 2 with short hair Carol. But feel free to request, and I hope you enjoy :)

Drabble #: Fluff #1, “I love you. I hope you know that.”

Tags: @thotyana-in-this-hoe @neeadinghugs I just wanna say, for my lil tag list, you guys are so motivating, honestly, that you enjoy my writing enough to see all of it? You have my whole heart, honestly. Thank you

Masterlist Black Girl Insert Series

* * * * *

It hasn’t been the same since the snap. Scratch that entirely, Steve hasn’t been the same since the snap. It has been just a little under a month, but the toll that it has taken on Steve is apparent. When you guys leave the house, he puts on his ‘Captain America’ face, but at home? At home, it’s like he’s a shell of himself, a sad husk that needs doting and constant reassurances of love. You love it, you love sticking to Steve like white on rice, really, but the way you are, it isn’t good for him, the strongly loved sadness.

On the drive to the base, you hold Steve’s hand tightly. Eyes closed and head pressed to his shoulder, you try to push all of your optimism and love into him as his grip tightens on the steering wheel. Steve looks down at you and your furrowed brows make him feel a little better. He knows he’s lucky, god, he knows you have been giving him so much than he deserves, but he can’t force himself to do any better for you, not until he saves the people they lost. Not until he makes this right.

The walk up to the base is the best Steve has felt in a while. Everyone is getting together, everyone has some news, today is the day that Thanos rights his wrongs, and maybe get his ass kicked a little in the process, and that makes Steve just that much more okay. And you can feel it. With each step, the weight Steve has been carrying gets lighter and lighter, and his tight hold on your hand becomes one more of love than a crippling need to have a support system in case he fails himself. It makes you feel lighter, it makes you feel good, it makes you -

Holy shit. Your feet stop working for a moment as all eyes turn to see you and Steve at the entrance. You don’t know who the new girl is, but she radiates so much power that for a moment, you can’t move. She quirks an arrogant eyebrow when Steve turns to you to make sure everything is alright. She wasn’t here before you and Steve left, was she? She couldn’t have been, right? You’d have known. You’d have, holy shit, well now she’s walking over to you and all noise goes silent but the incredibly loud thumping of your heart, and are you a fucking child? What, you see a pretty girl and all of a sudden you shut down?

Your inner monologue is shut off when Steve places both hands on your face, “... me? Y/N, can you hear me?!” The final question is punctuated by a slight shake of your head. The girl is right beside Steve now, and everyone’s eyes are covered in a thin veil or panic. Embarrassment floods your body, and you know that you have to push that out of the way for them, for Steve. Grabbing his wrists softly, you smile, “It isn’t safe to shake babies, Captain.” You know everything is okay when a nearly silent huff of laughter passes through Steve’s nostrils. He presses a kiss to your forehead, and when he looks into your eyes, you see an understanding you never asked for. Not from yourself, not from your family, most definitely not from Steve. A small smirk graces the corner of his mouth and Steve pecks the far right edge of your lips and the two of you make your way into the room fully.

The meeting commences and you stay by Steve’s side, his hand in the small warm casing of yours. Throughout the entire meeting, your eyes keep shifting to Carol, you learned her name was. She’s fearless and strong, and by all above the woman is incredibly arrogant, and it is enough to make your heart skip a beat. Before the scraps left of the Avengers and the Guardians of the Galaxy, Steve pulls you aside, “Is there a talk you wanna have when I get back? About... Carol, maybe?” Him accepting it and the two of you talking about it are two completely different monsters. This isn’t a talk you’ve had with anyone, and it turns out waiting doesn’t make it any better at all.

Luckily, Steve sees the reluctance and the worry in your eyes, and he decides then and there, that no matter what happens with Thanos, that he has to step up and be your support now. “Hey, Y/N, I love you, no matter what. I hope you know that.” Your heart soars and you know in this instant, you may not have ever loved anybody more than you love Steve right now, and maybe you never will. “I love you, so much.” You whisper dreamily connecting your forehead to Steve’s before kissing him. You watch from the window as the world’s greatest heroes board the spaceship, and as they lift into the sky, you like to think that Steve is staring outside, wishing for the instant he’ll get to see you again, and forgiving you for your excitement about seeing Carol.

#drabble #Steve Rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #mcu imagine #marvel imagine #bi!reader #carol danvers #carol danvers imagine

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artificialqueens · 5 years ago

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Alaska Doesn't Know (Katlaska) - a-tresia

She doesn’t know when it happened. But it happened. Quietly. Gradually. Gently. Unknowingly.

AN: I was rewatching All Stars 2 on a 14 hour plane ride to Europe and wrote this on the plane ride home because I couldn’t get it out of my head. It’s unedited and messy and basically a scattered brain on a long haul flight manifested in a 3,000 word story.

And, uh, if you like it – let me know. Turns out, sitting in a plane for half a day is great for *productivity*. So there’s another story in this same universe if you guys decide you like this.

My Craquaria fic is still being written – just had to purge a little.

—

Alaska doesn’t know when it happened — when she started calling her Katya (proper, formal, professional) then Ka-tee-ya (drawn out vowels, markedly Alaska) then Kataya (“My mom didn’t know how to say her name for a while and was calling her Kataya,” she said in an interview and it became a running joke but really it was just endearing) then Kati (Only Alaska calls her Kati, as far as she knows. And only Alaska can call her Kati. Because why would they? That’s not her name). Sometimes it’s an irreverent butchering of her name but she does it with the purest of intentions. And only in public. Now it’s just Brian. Or some sort of an overly sappy, teeth-rotting pet name. And it sounds more natural. And real.

It wasn’t until she lost her phone — in a cab, or the airport, or a plane, or another airport, in a car, in an event venue, a hotel room, wherever, whenever, whatever — that she realizes that Katya’s constant texts or phone calls or video calls, seemingly a continuous stream of consciousness, has stopped being Too Much and Infuriating to her.

(Alaska asks Trixie how she does it. How she can keep on listening to Katya go on tangents about anything and everything and not want to strangle her.

“Oh, you think I don’t?” Trixie laughs. “I constantly want to strangle her. Or kill myself. Which I think would be an easier option.” Trixie shoots herself in the mouth with two finger guns.

“TRACY!” Alaska laughs — screeches, really — and almost falls off the stool as she does.)

She doesn’t know when it happened. But it happened. Quietly. Gradually. Gently. Unknowingly.

(After a show, with everyone scrambling to get out of drag, trying to get the fuck out of this place and into bed, Katya’s going on about something or another on some sort of a live video. Alaska’s observing her from afar. She zones out of her (one-sided) conversation with Detox and focuses her attention on Katya. She laughs as she finally catches the gist of Katya’s seemingly endless and nonsensical story.

“Why are you laughing?” Detox asks, pulling Alaska back into THEIR conversation.

“What?” she asks automatically as she focuses back on Detox.

Detox looks at Alaska’s reflection on the mirror. Then at Katya’s. “I can’t believe people actually stay up to tune in to that,” she says. “Bitch gives me a fucking headache.”

Alaska laughs. Because it’s true. The bitch gives everyone a headache. Except her. Not anymore, apparently. “Verbal diarrhea. Like she’s dumping her psyche online,” Alaska explains. “Makes her more relatable, I guess. It’s cute.”

“When did you start finding that cute?”

Alaska locks eyes with Detox on the mirror, scrunches her nose, and pouts her lips. “I don’t knoooooow,” she drawls. And she really doesn’t.)

And now she’s uncomfortable at the sudden peace and quiet. She doesn’t know what to do. She’s usually on the phone with Katya as soon as she lands until she’s pulling up to their apartment. She just knows she needs to get home. Home to Katya. To Brian. A new phone can wait until tomorrow.

She comes home to an empty apartment. It’s as tidy as it will ever be. There’s mail on the floor. Why Katya didn’t pick it up, she doesn’t know. There’s an unwashed spoon and bowl in the kitchen sink, still with oatmeal left, almost calling out her name for a wash. There’s a cheap pair of heels, superglue, and some crystals on the coffee table. There’s also a new addition to their plant babies on the windowsill. Oh no, another mouth to feed. Alaska moves to admire them but is stopped by the sudden sound of retching coming from the bathroom.

Katya’s on the bathroom floor, head resting against the toilet seat. She lifts her head to see Alaska’s worried face. “Mother, I’ve been having morning sickness again,” she manages to say before Alaska could ask. She’s been in and out of the bathroom the whole morning, throwing up everything she takes in, so she’s decided to camp out instead.

Alaska grabs a towel before sitting on the floor beside Katya. “It was ONE time. Are you telling me I should have pulled out?” Alaska says with a straight face. Katya laughs — it’s weak, but it’s there, and the effort hurts. “Because, honey, you know that’s not how it works, right?”

“I didn’t go to fucking school for math.” Katya laughs again, more force this time, and Alaska joins in. She leans her head against Alaska when they finally calm down. “You’re home,” she says kissing Alaska’s shoulder.

Alaska nods. She kisses the top of Katya’s head. “I AM home,” she says. “And I lost my phone.” Alaska thinks she’s been trying to get in touch. Katya mumbles something about getting a new one tomorrow and Alaska agrees. That’s not important, for now.

It takes them a while to get up from the floor. Mostly because Katya has to throw up again. And again. And again. Each time finding herself crawling back into Alaska’s lap. All the traveling has Alaska’s back hurting but she doesn’t want to get up until Katya feels better. Solidarity. Poor, Kati. Alaska offers to take her to the doctor but Katya refuses. “Can you just call my mom? Or my sister?” Katya suggests.

She remembers that Pat’s a nurse. And she can help. She’s probably the only legitimate medical professional Katya trusts. “Your mom, okay,” she agrees. “But why your sister?”

Katya sits up to look Alaska straight in the eyes. “She’s a veterinary pathologist,” she explains, enunciating each syllable as if that would explain how she could help Katya at the moment.

“Exactly! She’s a veterinarian - AN ANIMAL DOCTOR!” she says trying to get up from the floor. She doesn’t know why Katya insists on deferring to the medical expertise of her sister whenever she has a medical issue because well, she’s not a human doctor, but Katya is Katya. She’ll indulge her sometimes. Not today though, not when she looks like she’s dying and dead. “You’re not a dog, Brian,” Alaska reminds her, AS IF she needed reminding that she is indeed of a different species.

Katya gets up on all fours. “But I AM an animal,” she pants before literally rolling on the floor laughing. Alaska has to laugh along with her because she walked right into that trap.

Alaska doesn’t know when she’s come to accept that nothing that comes out of Katya’s mouth will ever be as expected. But she always expects to be surprised.

(Another flight delay in the chronicles of touring drag queens. No one is happy but they’re trying to keep the beast mode to a minimum. It’s a silent but solid agreement that only one queen can lose their shit at any given time. None of them are having a breakdown at the moment. And that’s good. No one needs whiny ass bitches right now.

Katya opens a bag of Skittles and settles in. “Let’s get serious here for a moment,” she says turning her body to face Alaska. She mirrors Katya’s position, knees touching knees. She agrees and takes Katya’s candy to share. “What exactly do you want to wake up to everyday?” Katya asks very seriously.

With Katya, you never know what you’re going to get. Some days, it’s all nonsense. Some days, like today, it’s this. Smart. Deep. Existential. Alaska’s quite taken aback by the question. She thinks for a moment, as she chews on her Skittles, that maybe her tired brain can’t handle these types of questions. She considers a shallow answer. But shallow is not what Katya wants. “Warmth,” she answers. And frankly, she can’t believe that she’s comfortable enough with Katya to be this candid with her. Katya furrows her brows as if prompting her to elaborate. “Not in the literal sense, as in heat,” she starts to explain. “But, as in, the feeling of warmth and contentment. Whether I wake up alone or next to someone, I just want to wake up to a feeling of warmth, positivity, comfort, and safety.”

Katya is surprised. Genuinely surprised. “Wow,” she says blinking at Alaska. She grabs Alaska’s shoulders. “May I remind you, ma’am, that THIS is an airport,” she says seriously, raising her hands to solidify her point. “I came here to catch FLIGHTS, not feelings.” Katya abruptly gets up, leaving Alaska dumbfounded, thinking: feelings?)

Alaska calls Pat on Katya’s phone while she unpacks and Katya showers. They both agree it’s because of Katya’s shitty food choices. “He was filming with Trixie yesterday,” Alaska offers. It was a dumb explanation but it made sense to them both. Pat laughs. She knows. Everyone knows. All Katya takes in when she’s filming is caffeine and sugar. Nothing substantial. Nothing nutritious. Alaska promises to sneak in more greens.

Katya’s mom tells her what medicine to buy and what flavor of Pedialyte to get “because Brian gets very particular about that.” Alaska knows. “I’m sorry you have to live with a child, Justin,” she says in jest. Alaska agrees. Completely. She doesn’t mind though.

Alaska catches up with Pat for a bit while she sorts through her stuff. She doesn’t know when talking to Katya’s mom became like talking to her own — it’s comforting. She tells her they’ll try to come visit soon. Katya catches the tail end of their conversation, only to sneak in a hi mom, love you, bye, before the call ends.

She thanks Alaska for calling her mom, declares that she’s feeling so much better now that Alaska’s home, and starts to help with the unpacking. No, not really. All she’s really doing is playing with Alaska’s feather boa.

Katya makes a show of plopping herself onto the couch with a dramatic sigh. Alaska looks at her suspiciously. “I feel like there’s something you want to say.”

“I don’t want to be dramatic but —”

“Let me stop you right there.” Alaska holds her hand up to stop Katya from talking. “I can tell you right now that you are physically incapable of not being dramatic. You may continue,” she says with a hand flourish.

Katya crosses her arms and looks away. “I have feelings, you know. And you hurt them.”

Alaska crosses the room to sit beside Katya. “Uh, Brian,” she says, unsure. Her heart is pounding in her chest. She must be genuinely upset. But Katya being Katya, this can also be one of her stupid antics. She hopes it IS just one of her stupid antics. Katya refuses to look at her. She moves closer, enveloping Katya in a hug. “Brian, what’s wrong?”

“Alaska Joanne Elizabeth Thunderfun,” Katya starts. Alaska sighs in relief. This isn’t serious. But she’ll keep up the charade until Katya’s done talking. “Well, you’ve been home 4 hours and you haven’t even properly kissed me yet.” Katya pouts. “I brushed my teeth, mama. I don’t have vomity breath.” Serious enough, Alaska thinks. She shifts Katya’s body to face her. “Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me!” Katya insists.

“A certifiable disaster.” And Alaska doesn’t know any better but to oblige. Again. And again. And again.

(Alaska catches Katya in the dressing room taking off the last of her lipstick. She removes her wig and settles herself on the seat beside Katya to remove her nails. She doesn’t know it but she’s making a face. That face. The things-didn’t-go-my-way-I-want-to-cry-and-I’m-about-to-throw-a-tantrum face.

Katya eyes her carefully. “Are you okay?” Alaska doesn’t respond and it makes Katya uneasy. Their friendship has definitely changed in the past few months. And Alaska has never been this quiet around her. Not since All Stars. “Alaska,” she calls out. Alaska’s brows are furrowed. “Justin,” Katya tries.

She looks up. She heard Katya the first time. And she definitely knows what Katya wants to know. She’s been in a sour mood the whole night. She wants to say something. She has just enough alcohol in her body to be able to feel things but sober enough to stop herself from doing or saying something stupid.

“Look,” Katya says as she put on her boy clothes. “You don’t have to tell me anything. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” All Katya gets is a nod. It’s vague. It doesn’t really mean anything. But she knows not to push it. She reminds Alaska that the van is ready to leave and tells her she’ll be outside to smoke.

Alaska quickly changes into her boy clothes, leaving her face to deal with later. She follows the rest of the queens to the parking lot where Katya has been waiting for them forever. She watches Katya take a long drag off her cigarette before calling out to her. “Kati.”

That must have sounded pathetic because Katya definitely knows something is wrong. It’s unfair, really, how Katya can see right through her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She doesn’t want to talk about it. But she does, SHE DOES want to talk about it. “Kati,” she says slowly. She pauses. And Katya waits. Quite uncharacteristically patient and unmoving. “I need…” She takes a deep breath. “Please don’t make me say it out loud.”

Katya’s confused. She really doesn’t have patience for this right now. Alaska’s bad mood is contagious. “I’m not making you do anything, Alaska.”

Alaska thinks she would never have to tell Katya this. They’re friends, really great friends, and it’s amazing. Alaska even thinks she replaced Ginger as Katya’s best friend. She doesn’t know when it happened but this friendship, this warmth in her chest, is suddenly dense and heavy with feelings that she knows aren’t just for friends. It’s like Katya crawled her way into Alaska’s heart and made a home there. And tonight, Alaska is suddenly forced to open this floodgate. She is faced with the need to open herself to these feelings and just be true to herself. Because she really doesn’t need to see Katya flirting with everybody. She doesn’t need to see Katya STEALING. WILLAM’S. TRADE. In front of her. She doesn’t need that. Not when she’s already deep in this rabbit hole. Yes, Katya may not reciprocate. Because she never knows with Katya. And that’s not okay, she thinks. But it will be. It should be. They should be able to still remain friends.

It doesn’t help that Katya is just there, smoking her third cigarette, letting Alaska gather her thoughts. She’s quiet and Alaska isn’t used to a quiet Katya. Not when they’re around each other. “You really don’t have to tell me anything,” she repeats. “I can see that something’s bothering you but I won’t push. I can give you a hug if you need a hug or space if you need that.”

And Alaska knows that. But she has to get this off her chest. She looks Katya straight in the eyes. Katya senses that whatever Alaska wants to say is coming so she shifts her body to face her head on. “Kat — Brian.” She drops Alaska’s inflections. “You are the BEST human. Ever. And I like you way more than anybody, even myself. I really like you. You, Brian. And not just as a friend.” Alaska wants to stop but the words keep on coming. “If I don’t see you or talk to you, I get curious. I get worried. If you’re sad, I get upset. When you smile, when you laugh, it makes me happy. It drives me crazy. And maybe that’s bordering on love. I don’t know. But I really need you to stop flirting with everything that moves. Because I really want to kiss you. And I NEED you to like me back.”

Katya’s gathering her thoughts. She looks at Alaska skeptically as she stubs her cigarette. “Did you really mean that?”

Alaska looks a little offended. “You really think I’d pour my heart out like that if I didn’t mean it?”

Katya is silently looking at her. “THUNDERFUCKER!” This makes Alaska laugh. “I thought I was imagining things!” Katya shakes her head and turns to walk away but comes back quickly. “I’ve been trying to convince myself that there’s really nothing between us. That the shift in dynamic—“

But Alaska cuts her off. “This nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.”

“Ha! You’ve Got Mail! You’re such a girl!” They both laugh. And it takes them a minute to calm down. Katya takes Alaska’s hand. “I really want to kiss you, too,” she confesses. But she doesn’t move. She’s letting Alaska take the lead.

Alaska raises a brow and takes a step forward. She’s just gathered enough courage to kiss Katya when the van door opens to show a very pissed off Willam. “Let’s go! We’ve been waiting for you bitches forever!” she screams before slamming the van door shut.)

Alaska wakes up with Katya draped over her. She’s awake but Alaska tries as hard as possible to sleep in for as long as possible. Traveling does take a toll on the body. And honestly, she can feel the age settling in. It’s difficult for them to sleep in. They’re just naturally early risers, despite the late nights. “I’m so happy you’re back,” Katya says as she kisses Alaska’s neck when she realizes she’s awake too.

There are things that Alaska are certain of — That she has a warm bed to fall into at night although it’s not her own on most nights. That she’s got enough money to keep her comfortable. That she has a caring and somewhat overbearing family. That she’s got friends and sister queens who redefine loyalty, who love her in ALL her forms — tantrums or otherwise.

And Katya. At one point, she didn’t know what to make of her. She remembers Tatianna commenting on All Stars that Katya is very quiet but also really out there. Everyone in the room agreed. Including her. She still thinks Katya is an amalgamation of contradictions. But there is something so sure, so solid, about her. About them.

Katya starts to get up but Alaska pulls her in closer, “Don’t move, you’re warm.” And there it is. The warmth. She just wants to bask in the light that came off Katya because it’s warm and it’s good and it’s enough. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be cold anymore.

#rpdr fanfiction #katya zamolodchikova #alaska thunderfuck #domestic fluff #katlaska #atresia #canon compliant

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stainedglassgardens · 5 years ago

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Watched in April

Queen of Earth Black Christmas Dogs of Chernobyl Firecrackers Les Misérables The Evil Dead The Daughters of Fire (Las hijas del fuego) The Fallen Idol The Wailing (곡성, Gokseong) Inherent Vice Sorrowful Shadow Mistery Lonely The Grand Bizarre Zombieland: Double Tap Waves '98 Uncut Gems The Last Séance Too Late to Die Young (Tarde para morir joven) Room Queen & Slim The Holy Mountain (La montaña sagrada) The Chaser ( 추격자, Chugyeokja) Made in Dagenham The Color of Pomegranates (Նռան գույնը, Nřan guynə) Lost Girls Ghost Town Anthology (Répertoire des villes disparues) And Then There Were None Doctor Sleep Meshes of the Afternoon Circus of Books Catfish Wildling Delphine The Strange Love of Martha Ivers The Red Balloon (Le Ballon rouge) Nona. If They Soak Me, I’ll Burn Them (Nona. Si me mojan, yo los quemo) The Lodge Invisible Man Sans Soleil

Did not finish

Horsehead (Romain Basset, 2014) Sinister (Scott Derrickson, 2012)

Did not like

Sorrowful Shadow (Guy Maddin, 2004) Mistery Lonely (Harmony Korine, 2007) Uncut Gems (Josh and Benny Safdie, 2019) The Last Séance (Laura Kulik, 2018) The Holy Mountain (La montaña sagrada, Alejandro Jodorowsky, 1973) Doctor Sleep (Mike Flanagan, 2019)

Okay

Queen of Earth (Alex Ross Perry, 2015): The way it was filmed reminded me of The Midnight Swim and Always Shine. I watched it because Elisabeth Moss is in it but was rather disappointed in the end -- it was beautifully shot but went nowhere

Black Christmas (Sophia Takal, 2019): Like Assassination Nation, this is a film I'm glad young people today have -- and it was fine, and if there’s anything I’ve got to say about so-called raging feminists it’s that we need more of them, but yeah the ending was disappointing and I felt that I had aged out of the target audience a good number of years ago

The Evil Dead (Sam Raimi, 1981): Finally saw this! Love me a a good campy horror story once in a while

The Wailing (곡성, Gokseong) and The Chaser ( 추격자, Chugyeokja) (Na Hong-jin, 2016 and 2008): A healthy dose of wtf in both of those, I’m still not sure I “correctly” grasped the intended tone. I also just lost all interest in The Chaser when (spoiler) the girl died. What’s the point of that? Are we in Game of Thrones now? I may still be angry about that, actually

Inherent Vice (Paul Thomas Anderson, 2014): I know it’s a good film but it bored me to death. I don’t like stories about men or drugs

Zombieland: Double Tap (Ruben Fleischer, 2019): A sympathetic, slightly disappointing sequel

Waves '98 (Ely Dagher, 2015): I don’t remember much about this short but I did think it was good

Room (Lenny Abrahamson, 2015): I couldn’t watch this as separate from the book, it felt more like a companion film to me than anything else. It was good I think, but I’m definitely not the best judge on this one, because the book was so amazing and I’m still not over it, apparently

And Then There Were None (René Clair, 1945): Was it good? Who knows. They changed the ending and added in a crap love story, so who cares, really

Wildling (Fritz Böhm, 2018): I liked it? I didn’t really see the “feminist themes” in this but it was good

Delphine (Chloé Robichaud, 2019): This is one of those short films that are a little too “slice of life” for me to really enjoy. I can tell it’s good, tho

The Red Balloon (Le Ballon rouge, Albert Lamorisse, 1956): This is apparently a classic short film, and I think I would have enjoyed it a lot had I seen it in 1956. Seeing it today, when everything in it has been used in a hundred thousand other films, made it fall flat a little

Nona. If They Soak Me, I’ll Burn Them (Nona. Si me mojan, yo los quemo, Camila José Donoso, 2019): Watched this because it was directed by a woman! Did not know what to expect at all. The non-linear narration kept me trying to remember if there was something I could possibly have skipped that would have made more sense of it. I think the premise (old woman throws Molotov cocktail at former lover’s car) is better than the finished product, although it is very well-shot and the acting is amazing

Good

Dogs of Chernobyl (Léa Camilleri & Hugo Chesnel, 2020): Short documentary that had me on the verge of tears several times (you can watch it for free on YouTube!)

Les Misérables (Ladj Ly, 2019): It’s hard to talk about films like these. It is very good, very important, I think everyone should watch it. Think a new La Haine

The Daughters of Fire (Las hijas del fuego, Albertina Carri, 2018): Loved the reflection on pornography. The pornography itself was a little more... boring... but I appreciate the intention, and the guts it took to shoot something like this

The Fallen Idol (Carol Reed, 1948): An amazing British classic (adapted from Graham Greene!) that I had somehow never heard of. Great acting, especially considering the main character is a small child

Too Late to Die Young (Tarde para morir joven, Dominga Sotomayor Castillo, 2018): There will be people in this world to say that "uhh nothing happens in this film", a statement to which my reply will be twofold: first, it's beautiful so who cares, and second, how many other films have you seen that take place in a commune in the 1990s in Chile? That's what I thought. Shut up

Made in Dagenham (Nigel Cole, 2010): Films like this and Suffragette, that is, mainstream films about the working classes and political activism, are almost bound to be flawed, but I'm grateful they exist all the same. And how many of those have we seen that are about workers’ unions, with an all-female main cast, and nuanced dialogue about communism and the place of women in the home and of men in feminism? I’m glad that male directors have finally figured out that one of the best ways to avoid showing a one-dimensional idea of women is to have lots of them in one film. And Sally Hawkins! I love her

The Color of Pomegranates (Նռան գույնը, Nřan guynə, Sergei Parajanov, 1969): Another one of those classics I had never heard of (until I got Mubi!). Indescribable, beautiful

Lost Girls (Liz Garbus, 2020): Really liked the speech at the end about the police failing the victims and their families, really liked that the old inspector guy wasn't made to be someone who was on the side of the victims instead of on his own side. Bleak, sobering. When I watched this I didn't know Garbus was the person who directed that Nina Simone documentary, which I also love.Will definitely seek out more Liz Garbus in future

Ghost Town Anthology (Répertoire des villes disparues, Denis Côté, 2019): I watched this not knowing anything about Denis Côté or the film, and I loved the atmosphere even before the supernatural element really kicked in. Films like this and The One I Love or Everything Beautiful is Far Away are my kind of low-key science fiction

Meshes of the Afternoon (Maya Deren and Alexander Hammid, 1943): Aaaand another classic I finally saw! It just warms my heart to see that stuff like this was being made (by a woman!!) in the 1940s

Circus of Books (Rachel Mason, 2019): I saw a headline calling this “the queer Stories We Tell” and I loved Sarah Polley’s documentary and wouldn’t go quite that far but I can see where it’s coming from. A good autobiographical documentary about the complexity of families

Catfish (Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman, 2010): I think everyone going into this today knows what this is going to be about, but let me tell you, it does not reduce the impact

The Strange Love of Martha Ivers (Lewis Milestone, 1946): Barbara Stanwyck and Lizabeth Scott! Murder! Intrigue! Love and sleaze!

The Lodge (Veronika Franz & Severin Fiala, 2019): This was so efficient. It is so well-done, and Riley Keough is amazing as usual. More subtle than Franz and Fiala’s last effort, Goodnight Mommy, and at least as good

Sans Soleil (Chris Marker, 1983): It’s hard not to be disappointed by this after hearing every film bro I’ve ever met describe this as his fave ever. It is... pretty racist and sexist... but yes, very pretty, very nice if you can get past that

Faves

Firecrackers (Jasmin Mozaffari, 2018): Is this a coming-of-age story? Anyway it’s about two working-class teenage girls in small town Canada who are this close to making their dream of leaving for New York, and one of them is fuuuuucked up...

The Grand Bizarre (Jodie Mack, 2018): I think this is what I want from a non-narrative documentary. I’m tired of seeing pretentious Godfrey Reggio knockoffs. This quite simply blew my mind and is one of those very rare films I can see myself rewatching ten times

Queen & Slim (Melina Matsoukas, 2019): I can’t not compare this to Natural Born Killers and Thelma and Louise, both of which I used to love and haven’t seen in a number of years -- but Queen & Slim is quite possibly better than both of those. The tone, the breadth, the acting -- even the soundtrack. It’s a masterpiece

Invisible Man (Leigh Whannell, 2020): This is about a man who creates an invisibility suit. This is also about a woman who is being stalked and abused by a controlling man who just won’t rest until he has completely destroyed her -- but of course, since this is cinema and the woman in question is Elisabeth Moss, she ultimately beats the shit out of him. This was very difficult to watch for me but I’m glad I stuck through

I got Mubi this month! So glad I did. It’s so much better than both Filmstruck (RIP) and Amazon Prime. I like that choices are made for me up to a certain extent -- and those choices often turn out very good, and always interesting. And yes, we’re still in lockdown, I’m still unemployed, hence the number of films watched this month. Hopefully we can get out in May and I’ll end up watching less!

#watched in 2020 #films

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head-and-heart · 6 years ago

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The 100 Highlights - “How We Get To Peace” (5x08)

Hey everyone! Sorry for the long wait for this highlight post. I was out of town visiting family for a week and didn’t get a chance to rewatch the episode until today. And, unfortunately, I am about to be swapped for the next ten days (at least) so you can probably expect the 5x09 highlight post to be pretty late, too.

... And the 5x10 recap.

But anyway - super excited to get into this episode! Hope you enjoy my thoughts. :)

Feel free to read up on the previous posts in this series here.

“I’ve seen the horrors we inflict on each other in the name of survival, colonel. God knows I’m as guilty as anyone, but we’re on the brink here - on the edge of an abyss I’ve stared into before - and I can tell you, having sacrificed the few to save the many more times than I care to admit, eventually, the few becomes the many. The ends don’t always justify the means and if you don’t know that by now, after everything you’ve been through, then you’re just as bad as Octavia, and we’re already lost.”

At first I was a bit thrown by Kane’s speech here because Charmaine’s move was, objectively, very politically savvy (and it seemed a little out of place, considering Kane was the one who implied that if Charmaine got rid of McCreary she wouldn’t have to be concerned about resistance anymore but whatever) but - in retrospect - I do see the value in it. It seems to reflect what Bellamy and Clarke do later in the episode to Kara Cooper (which was honestly SO fucked up guys, like, holy shit). And the line was well delivered too. Very dramatic.

I kind of like this Vincent guy. Hm. Seems too nice to be a cannibal/serial killer. Speaking of which, are we ever going to see him snap? Maybe in 5x11 ... and that’s when we’ll get Abby telling the story of what happened in The Dark Year. :o I’ve cracked the code fam

Echo suggesting that they kill Zeke made her more familiar to me. Her character arc seems pretty on track (based on this episode) with what I have already speculated and I expect that we’re going to see her facing some issues with her old methods soon (maybe next episode?). I did like how they have set up her character arc in this episode.

I’m really enjoying that they have Indra teaming up with our mains this season. It’s an interesting dynamic, to see her interacting with characters besides Octavia and Kane this season and I am really enjoying it.

LEMME TAKE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT ZEKE PUTTING HIS HAND IN FRONT OF RAVEN PROTECTIVELY K

Listen, I know that their relationship has no base to it and they barely know each other and their connection doesn’t even really make sense *realistically* but I really, really LOVE Raven and Zeke’s dynamic. Lindsey and Jordan have fantastic chemistry and they look so good together and Zeke and Raven’s personalities/intellect complement each other so well. Also, this is a television show so lack of development DOESN’T MATTER, especially considering Zeke hasn’t killed Raven’s family or ex boyfriend or anything which - if you ask me - is a definite bonus! I just loved that little detail of him looking out for her, despite being angry (and having every right to be) because he feels protective of her and can’t really explain why just yet.

Also, I am in no way delusional enough to believe that the writers intentionally paralleled Bellarke and Zaven in this episode but this moment was visually extremely reminiscent of Bellamy jumping in front of Clarke in 2x09 ... so that’s a plus.

Everything involving Raven and Abby in this episode was just the most gut-wrenching, fam. Raven’s concern over Abby being threatened by Diyoza and her determination to protect her and Abby lying was just ... a Lot. It shows how far gone Abby is and added some new stakes to her addiction. I think it was important to show how Abby and Raven’s relationship will be affected by this.

“Your mother would be proud, Monty.” I wonder if anyone has told Monty this before, and how much he probably needed to hear it. In all that had happened, I forgot that Kara Cooper and Monty come from the same station on the Ark, and that they have probably even known each other for a long time. I never would have guessed that I would love seeing them interact so much but their scenes in this episode were so cute? Cooper laughing at Monty’s jokes about getting lit was the scene I didn’t know I needed. Leave it to The 100 to humanize the Worst character in the episode they get killed

THE ORIGINAL MURDER TRIO IS BACK AND AT IT AGAIN

I have to admit, in a kind of sick way I liked that we had Monty, Clarke, and Bellamy back at their old shenanigans again? Like, this felt like an indirect callback to Mount Weather, where they all committed mass murder together. This time, they’re trying to prevent that from happening again. It’s weird to see how their old allegiances and perspectives have shifted from that moment - and yet, they all continue to cooperate with each other.

“What’s one more, right? We’re all murderers.” OOF MONTY I FELT THAT

“We’re talking about taking one life to save hundreds.” “Really? Then let’s kill Octavia.” I literally yelled DRAG HIM at my screen when he said this lmao. Monty had ALL the lines in this episode. Like, damn, I love that he is questioning Bellamy and Clarke’s decisions in this, how they just revert so easily back to their same old methods. It’s refreshing to see.

And also, he’s RIGHT. What Bellamy and Clarke are doing is so fucking twisted. They are literally killing someone in the most grotesque manner and framing them for something they didn’t even do all in order to avoid killing someone else - the person who forced her to commit the atrocities she has in the first place. Let’s face it: Cooper is easy to hate but the only reason she is the way she is is because of the system that Octavia created, the game Octavia forced her to play. And yet, they won’t kill Octavia, because of their own selfish wishes. It is absolutely fucked up and I am so glad that Monty called them out on their bullshit.

I really loved Murphy looking at Clarke’s drawing of him and Emori chained to the rocket from 4x08. It was a nice detail (and parallel to Season 4′s corresponding episode) and callback to include. Here’s hoping that we get to see *cough* other characters looking at pictures of themselves that Clarke has drawn. You know ... no one in particular.

“Tell me what we’re looking at.”

“I don’t think we’d see it the same way, but all right. That’s where the trading post will be. And next to it will be a farm, and a workshop, and a mill ... And a real medical center, for Abby. To the south, there’ll be homes dug out of the ground to preserve the trees, and at the center, there’ll be a well, a place for people to gather, talk, debate ideas.”

“And a school with a playground where kids can blow off steam and bitch about their teachers and kiss under the bleachers. My kid.”

LET ME TALK ABOUT THIS SCENE !!! I LOVED THIS SCENE.

I think this is the very first time (with the exception of Briller and the chickens) where any character has explicitly voiced their greatest wishes for the future, how it looks in their mind. And it’s so fucking tragic because you can just visualize it so clearly, but it feels so far away. That future doesn’t seem possible. It’s so melancholy and I love how Ian and Ivana delivered their lines in this scene.

Also, soft!Charmaine is EVERYTHING. Her line about the school and the teenagers “bitching” and making out and doing regular teenage thing was just so ... normal, it was honestly startling to think about. That’s the life that the hundred should have had - that they’ll never get now. I love the baby storyline so much (and I never thought I would like a pregnancy storyline but I do) because it humanizes Diyoza in so many ways.

The music in this scene was gorgeous and matched the tone so well, I honestly started tearing up a little bit don’t @ me. I have a really big feeling that this discussion will come up again - either because we’re going to see this vision completely destroyed, or because we’re going to see it come to fruition. With the space travel theory, I do kind of wonder if we might get an “epilogue” of sorts for the people who stay behind on Eden, where we see Kane and Diyoza’s vision has come true (and maybe they’ll both even be there). It would be like a farewell to the characters who remain on Earth. I think it would be beautiful. (But that’s all assuming that the space travel theory is correct.)

As mildly annoying as it was that Kane literally named Diyoza’s baby for her (wtf Kane???) I did appreciate the symbolic purpose of naming her child “Hope”, especially considering the episode title “Pandora’s Box”, in which hope (aka. Kane/Baby) was the last out of the bunker and then flew away with Eligius. It’s a nice follow up to that little piece of mythology.

In a way, Kane, Abby, and Charmaine are delivering Hope (literally and figuratively) to the people. Which is also why I believe that they may all remain behind in Eden at the end of this season as we see our mains (ie. Clarke, Bellamy, Raven, etc) take off into cryo sleep, officially saying goodbye to all of them forever. (Goddamn I’m already crying and the season finale hasn’t even aired yet? THe fuck)

Also side note to talk about how vindicating it was when Kane was judging Charmaine the entire episode about her damn notebook (”names of the people you killed?” stfu) and it turned out to just be a goddamn list of baby names and defense strategies. Sit the fuck down, Mark.

I present to you: the creepiest fucking shot this show has done. And yet, I really liked it? Showing Cooper’s reactions by shooting through her helmet was a really well done creative choice. It was so trippy and it made her death feel so visceral and real. It honestly kind of sickens me to watch this scene, tbh.

On another note, I cannot BELIEVE how many stomachs Jason has forced me to watch explode this season .. the audacity ...

Emori establishing healthy boundaries is ... EVERYTHING. It’s so important for the writers to have addressed the toxicity in their relationship in this way.

“Trouble in paradise?” I kind of love that McCreary says this to Memori because it is exactly what Murphy said to Clarke and Finn in 5x06 after the massacre. That’s some sweet kind of karma right there

Everything about Raven and Abby in this episode was absolutely devastating. Lindsey and Paige both killed this scene - the emotions were so real. Lindsey did such an amazing job portraying Raven’s hurt and rage - I could feel her emotions so viscerally.

“Don’t you talk to me about pain.” If anyone deserves that line, it is Raven. She has been through hell and back and has had to be so strong for so long. I really liked that line.

CLARKE SITTING ON BELLAMY’S BED IN HIS TENT. Man, I would LOVE to see how that scene went askskqisks

Also, Clarke comforting my poor baby just like old times ... *sigh*

Although I have some reservations with the dialogue in this scene, I do appreciate the sentiment. Despite everything that has happened, Bellamy and Clarke still have such an understanding of each other. They forgive so easily - it’s practically second nature at this point. While I hated how Jason Rothenberg-y Bellamy sounded when he called Clarke a “mama bear” it IS nice that he is acknowledging the role that Madi plays in Clarke’s life. I feel like he finally is starting to understand just how crucial she is to Clarke, and recognizing that he felt the same way about Octavia. It gives them something new to connect over. Also, I’ll never turn down Bellarke being soft with each other.

Plus, have you ever seen a softer smile than Clarke Griffin’s? Cause oh boy am I not over that. She looks so fucking bashful when she looks up at Bellamy I can’t deal gotDAMN

“The worms were already loaded in the rover, so. What was Cooper doing there?” Marie’s delivery in this episode was SO good. God, she’s so creepy and she’s Killing It.

“Careful, big brother, or I’ll think you helped her and we’d have enough prisoners to settle this in the ring.” LISTEN. I WANTED THE EVERLARK AU SO FREAKING BAD CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT NEW MEANING THE WORD “TOGETHER” WOULD HAVE HOLY SHIT

But also, Bellamy’s desperate looks/protests were A Lot in this scene. He really can’t fathom losing Clarke again. His and Clarke’s tragic looks towards each other just really fucking hurt - they’ve been here before. And last time, they didn’t see each other for six years.

“Keep Madi safe. Promise me.” “I promise.”

GOD. CLARKE LITERALLY JUST GAVE HIM FUCKING CUSTODY OF HER CHILD UMMMMM HOW ONE DOES FUNCTION??? She trusts him so much i’mma cry. Also, his called out promise. He sounds so wrecked, but he needs her to know that he will keep Madi safe, needs her to have that comfort, just in case he never sees her again. Don’t Touch Me.

“Did he hurt you?” Protective!Zeke is always a plus but I’d be lying if I said that this scene didn’t immediately remind me of Bellamy asking Clarke the same damn question in 1x10. God, these unintentional Blarke parallels are really coming for my life huh

“Have you ever loved someone so much that no matter what they do to you, or themselves, you take it?” “Mom or dad?” “Mom. Drank herself to death.” I loved that Raven has finally found someone she can open up to. Feels Good, feels Organic. But also this scene came for my LIFE it was so angsty and so good. Raven breaking down absolutely ENDED me (and Zeke comforting her ... someone call 911). I really loved how they made the parallel between Raven’s mom and Abby - it just made the previous scene all the more devastating. So often it feels like the writers on this show forget about these characters backstory and I’m so happy to get these little callbacks every once in awhile.

“The answer is yes.” The fact that Raven and Zeke have this new unexpected thing to relate about is A Lot. I felt this scene deep in my bones.

Plot twist: Abby dies because she is eaten by Vincent, and her withdrawal symptoms are just a red herring to keep us on our feet. ;)

“So much for The 100.” Hello, favourite line of this episode. Y’all have no idea (NO IDEA) how much it means to me to hear a reference to the heart of this show again, especially from Bellamy. He hasn’t forgotten, but it appears that Miller has. Wow. I felt that one.

“I can’t let you kill Clarke, O.” NO YOU CANNOT

“Here we go again. Pleading for the life of a traitor ... who you love.” DO I NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS LINE HONESTLY Y’ALL ALREADY KNOW WHY IT ENDED ME

BELLAMY’S FUCKING FACE JOURNEY HOLY SHIT. THEY FOCUS ON HIS FACE FOR SO LONG AND YOU CAN JUST SEE - YOU CAN SEE - HIS INTERNAL STRUGGLE. GOD.

I totally overlooked this the first time I watched it but I love how Bellamy tells Octavia that HE made a deal with Diyoza. Clarke has already been sentenced to death and still, he’s protecting her. He won’t let Clarke get hurt for the deal she made - instead, he takes the blame. I just love him a lot fam.

Bob and Marie’s acting in that final scene was SO FREAKING GOOD. Both of them killed it. It was so devastating.

“My sister, my responsibility.” While I was predicting before that this line would happen if Bellamy had to kill Octavia, the fact that it came back in the same context (with Bellamy having to protect others from Octavia, rather than the other way around) was so perfect. I love when writers take old lines and give them new meanings and that’s exactly what they did with Bellamy’s old mantra. It was so powerful.

AND HE DID IT ALL FOR CLARKE. HE CHOSE FUCKING CLARKE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY???

So.

That was a wild ride.

Hope you enjoyed reading my take on 5x08 and my favourite parts! Looking forward to the next episode in a few days. See ya then!

#the 100 #the 100 highlights series #posts by moi

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rorykillmore · 6 years ago

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ok haha relevant to ur field: top 10 tv episodes of all time?

i finally sat down and tried to do this and it’s taken me all of like, an entire evening, and i’m STILL not sure i haven’t forgotten something,

that being said i tried to the best of my ability, and also big disclaimer: some of my favorite shows are just straight up not on this list. determining my favorite shows overall would be MUCH different than determining my favorite individual, stand alone episodes of something. and with that being said...

(also i gave up trying to number-rank them. they are maybe like, ROUGHLY ranked, but i could flip flop a lot of them especially towards the middle so like, whatever)

lost - “the constant”

there are so many good, defining episodes of lost that it was kind of hard to pick one but... for me this was a good example i could think of that summed up the show at the height of like. how weird it could be and how emotional it could be. it also may be one of the best stand-alone episodes of the show objectively, i think. for those who are familiar but can’t remember, this is the one where desmond is kind of jumping around through time and the one with That phone call between him and penny at the end (which frankly should earn it a spot on this list by itself). okay i rewatched that and made myself cry so we’re off to a great fucking start!

hannibal - “mizumono”

mizumono is honestly one of the most like... perfect culminations of disaster i’ve ever seen. and i mean that in a good way!, but really, it brings seasons worth of tension to a head with near-flawless execution, it’s one of the most beautifully and artistically shot episodes of an already beautiful and artistic show, and the last fifteen minutes are like... kind of beyond description. i honestly have yet to see a season finale that’s as brutal to like, its ENTIRE MAIN CAST, and because of the impact it had at the time i felt like i had to put it on here.

true detective - “form and void”

the first season of true detective as a whole was honestly incredibly influential to like... the modern tv landscape we have today and how highly regarded television as a whole has become. it’s really important and really worth seeing. the finale, “form and void”, is if i recall correctly perhaps a little divisive because of how the mystery ultimately ended up being solved (i won’t give spoilers) but it was beautiful and surreal and creepy and for me, just the right amount of satisfying. actually for me, i’m not gonna lie, it was... and still is, very important to me personally. specifically in regards to the culmination of rust cohle’s character arc and the hopeful, compassionate note it ended on. rust was essentially a deconstruction of the “bitter edgy nihilistic main character” trope, much of his characterization was about how that mentality just ate away at him, but he found this essential moment of peace in the end that just... still really stays with me.

alias - “pilot”

i had to include this because alias has, literally my favorite pilot episode to date. in general alias has a few episodes i considered putting on this list (the finale of season 2 also being one for... Reasons) but i just had to go with this one because it’s a fucking pilot. in the television industry, pilots are notoriously difficult to get right. there’s so much establishment and exposition that needs to happen all while making sure you hook your audience that it can be... really tough to pace it correctly, and i have never seen anyone fucking nail it like alias did. of everything i’ve put on this list i think this is probably the episode i’ve watched the most times. sydney bristow in that bright red wig. still iconic.

westworld - “the bicameral mind”

westworld season 1 almost felt like it could have... ended with that finale, period. i mean naturally it did not, but in some ways if you weren’t so attached to the characters and didn’t want to see how they’d evolve, you almost wouldn’t NEED more than the bleak (well, for humanity), inevitable note it ends on. there are so many gratifying answers to the questions the season spun, so much emotional catharsis and satisfaction in dolores’ awakening and self-realization and maeve making her first real, free choice in returning to the park... idk it’s a lot. and it’s executed wonderfully. there are tons of moments that never lose their impact no matter how many times i revisit them. not much more to say than that.

buffy the vampire slayer - “restless”

possibly a controversial choice even among buffy fans? i remember at least at the time people were mad that such an unconventional episode was used to top off season 4. but let’s be real, season 4′s overarching plot was, not that great. for me, i never minded that it tied up early and that we had something really... different for the finale.

it also helps that i’m a huge sucker for like, surrealism, character studies, symbolism and significant imagery, foreshadowing, that kind of thing, and this episode is thick with ALL of that stuff. look i hate joss whedon but this was him at his best. restless is still... one of the most haunting things i’ve ever watched, and such a bold choice, and people are still dissecting it today and i’m like, “how did they manage to foreshadow some of this stuff this intricately this early in the show’s run’. i could probably go back and rewatch it easily even though i haven’t really delved into buffy in forever. “once more with feeling” also gets an honorable mention to being the best musical episode of a show to date.

black mirror - “nosedive”

okay i was really tempted to put uss callister on this list because i enjoyed that so immensely, it’s one of my favorite things ever, but uss callister is so... almost movie-like that it almost feels unfair to put it on this list with more traditionally structured television episodes. so apart from that, i have this inexplicable fucking soft spot for nosedive. i think about it all the time. it’s the black mirror episode i’ve rewatched the most. i’m not even sure if i can articulate why i love it so much except that... well, firstly it is another character study (with bryce dallas howard giving a wonderful and moving and vaguely unhinged performance), but also like. i think it is perhaps one of the most insightful episodes of black mirror overall. the point isn’t to be... bleak, necessarily, but its message is important. it’s less about ~the dangers of social media~ i think and more about how people relate to one another (or don’t, and how painful it can feel to not really emote or connect or find sincerity) and just, the social media app being a vehicle for that. stories about emotional suppression and catharsis always hit me hard.

oh and since black mirror is an anthology series with all standalone episodes, you can watch this even if you’ve never dabbled in the show before! go see it if you haven’t!!

grey’s anatomy - “losing my religion”

so i knew i wanted to put a grey’s anatomy episode on this list but i wasn’t really sure... how to go about picking just one, because grey’s has so many iconic individual episodes that have really. permeated television culture at this point. i don’t know, how do you just pick one? but i went with losing my religion because 1) i do genuinely feel that it contains some of the shows best and most poignant and memorable to date, i mean, even like 13 years later people remember the culmination of the denny storyline, and 2) i distinctly remember this being the point when i was watching the show for the first time that i really... consciously, vividly, felt myself falling in love with it and appreciating it for all that it was.this is really the point where you can’t write off grey’s anatomy as a one-dimensional quirky medical drama anymore no matter how hard you try. so it’s on here for nostalgic reasons too

also, this was the episode that launched “chasing cars” as the song that reduces literally everyone to tears, so there’s that,

ahs asylum - “madness ends”

for all the shit i’ll give ryan murphy, i truly still believe that ahs asylum was his masterpiece. it is perhaps the most sincere and tender and brutally real i’ve ever seen his work get. and madness ends will always be... one of my favorite season finales ever, and something i’ll always remember so fondly and emotionally. it also, and maybe this is an unconventional opinion, but it is also the most hopeful the show has ever felt to me. the most forgiving, the most kind. the closure it grants lana, kit, and jude, and even MARY EUNICE (wait was this the episode she died in? i think. i don’t remember) was just... i don’t know if you can get more satisfying than that. jessica lange’s performance in this episode specifically, and the ending of jude’s story, is something that’ll stay with me forever (there’s a reason that i consider jude to be one of my favorite characters, like, ever). i actually haven’t rewatched it in full, let alone this specific episode in so long but... yeah that shit stays with you

and last but incontestably not least...

the leftovers - “international assassin” or “certified”

guess what! for the leftovers, i actually COULDN’T pick just one! and if there’s any show on this list that deserves two episodes... well,

“international assassin” is a lot of people’s favorite episode, from what i understand. at least, its usually the critics’ favorite episode. and it wins a lot of points with me for the same reasons “restless” does (it’s basically another instance of like, the show taking a break to do a completely different kind of surrealist episode) and it marked the first time the show really like. completely abandoned all pretense of reality and went all-out mysticism. and it fucking worked. everything about this episode is a masterpiece. to give you a basic premise if you’re not familiar, basically. the main character, kevin, has spent the entire season behind haunted by... either a ghost or a hallucination (you’re not sure at that point as an audience member, but kevin is leaning towards ghost) and is told by someone that in order to get rid of her. he essentially has to die, go to purgatory, and confront her. the end result is... something you couldn’t even imagine and i don’t think i could fully put into words, but as most things in the leftovers are, it ends up being startlingly insightful and compassionate and is 100% guaranteed to make you feel very deeply for a character that most people hated up until that point

“certified” isn’t as much as a standout but for me it is one of the most powerful episodes in an already incredibly powerful show. it’s essentially devoted to giving closure to one of the characters (who happened to be one of my favorites) and her longstanding pain and her struggles with being tied to realism in this world where you increasingly need to believe in something to survive. it’s hard to give much context beyond that but it is heartbreaking and wonderfully performed and i actually haven’t been able to revisit it many times since because it affected me so much

idk i could really put every episode of the leftovers on here, honestly. it is incredibly special.

#thanks tony!!#man theres a lot of good tv out there huh #fizzlep0p

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avatarrewatch · 7 years ago

Photo

Hello and I hope you have enjoyed your stay in Ba Sing Se so far. I am your host Joo Dee. Remember, everyone is safe. There is no war in Ba Sing Se. Today we watched the following episodes in “Book 2: Earth.” We will also be watching the same episodes tomorrow (Sunday, March 18, 2018) at the same time.

2.13

The Drill

With the Gaang in Ba Sing Se, Azula, Mai and Ty Lee (whom I will dub “the Trio” moving forward) arrive in Ba Sing Se with the Fire Nation military and The Drill the episode is named for. This drill was created to penetrate Ba Sing Se’s impenetrable wall. Ba Sing Se’s General Sung seems to be so comforted by the presence of the wall, that it takes him no time at all to tell Aang that the Avatar is not needed, but the Gaang is not dissuaded. Aang, Katara and Sokka successfully sneak into the the drill to damage it from the inside. While Toph, refusing to be without her bending, commits to slowing down the drill from the outside. The Gaang encounters the Trio and a fight ensues with Aang showing off the earthbending he’s most recently learned. It was pretty impressive! Oh, and Momo got to save the day! I knew I always liked Momo for a reason. It’s not just because he’s cute. The Gaang escapes the Trio and the drill is successfully stopped.

Lee and Mushi (or otherwise known as Zuko and Iroh, respectively) arrive in Ba Sing Se as well. You’d think they were following the Avatar or something! But no, actually, Iroh’s White Lotus contacts decided since the pair are practically refugees, that Ba Sing Se would be ideal for them. Iroh flirts with a ticket seller to get into Ba Sing Se, while Jet (and his wheatgrass!) jeatgrass.tumblr.com flirts with Zuko to try and get him to join the new reformed Freedom Fighters. That’s right folks! Since the last time we saw Jet, he has decided to change his ways and only do what’s right. Let’s see if he’ll live up that goal.

2.14

City of Walls and Secrets

We see the Gaang on an earthbending operated train travelling to the inner wall. They meet me! Joo Dee. I introduce them as their guide and waive off any attempts the Gaang make to meet the Earth King. Because of course, “one doesn't just pop in on the Earth King.” How laughable! We meet the Dai Li (cultural authority of Ba Sing Se) and its leader Long Feng when Toph and Katara dress up like high society girls to sneak into a party in order to meet the Earth King. In the meantime, Aang and Sokka manage to sneak into the party as busboys. We see Bosco for the first time as he voraciously attacks the food in front of him. Long Feng takes the Gaang aside and tells them that the Earth King doesn’t have time to get involved in “political squabbles and the day to day minutiae of military activities. What’s most important to his royal majesty is maintaining the cultural heritage of Ba Sing Se.” It is the Dai Li that oversees the military and other resources. The Gaang are warned that they will be watched very closely to make sure they don’t mention the war to anyone lest they be expelled from the city and be unable find Appa.

Jet, knowing Zuko and Iroh are Fire Nation after spotting evidence of Iroh firebending, starts obsessively spying on the two. Zuko and Iroh start working in a tea shop. After repeated attempts to catch Zuko and Iroh firebending fail, Jet decides to attack them at the tea shop in an attempt to force at least one of them to use their firebending. Iroh cleverly insists that Jet is just confused, everyone else comes to the conclusion that Jet is violently crazy and Jet gets taken in by the Dai Li. He is brainwashed to believe: "There is no war within the walls. Here we are safe. Here we are free."

2.15

The Tales of Ba Sing Se

Katara decides to take Toph on a girls day out. After putting on some makeup and taking a stroll, they walk onto a bridge where some girls make fun of their makeup. Toph, ever unwilling to put up with such behaviour, earthbends them into the water. Katara then comforts her friend. I’m glad these two are actually getting along.

Aang, while looking for Appa, sees the state of the animals living in a poorly funded zoo and decides to free them. He causes a massive havoc and ruins the cabbage man’s cabbages again. At least that rabbaroo got to eat though! Aang forces the guards to open the gates and quickly makes a nice habitat for the zoo animals which the zoo keeper thanks him for.

Someone tries to mug Iroh. Iroh, being Iroh, corrects his stance and gives him some life advice. The mugger graciously thanks him and commits to seeking his goal of being a masseur. Just Iroh things! Iroh honours his son’s death as the entire membership of the Avatar Rewatch cries with him.

Zuko gets asked out on a date by a girl named Jin. I rather like her. Unfortunately for Zuko, he makes quite a few awkward and rather gauche moves. The two still end up kissing, but Zuko very quickly decides after that it simply cannot work between them. So sad. But I guess Mai is happy with this decision.

Momo gets chased around by some felines and does some impromptu street dancing before getting locked in a cage beside the same felines. He very easily escapes, and decides to graciously free his former pursuers.

2.16

Appa’s Lost Days

We see Appa being captured by sandsailers and sold to a circus. The animal trainer mistreats Appa, but he bonds with a little boy that feeds him. Appa manages to escape during a show after performing a few tricks. He searches for his air nomad with no luck as he retraces his steps. We are shown a flashback of Appa and Aang meeting for the first time as youngsters. And we see that Appa and Aang are thinking of each other throughout the night. Appa goes through so many hard times with humans and other animals, he grows defensive of anyone that may harm him. Suki and the other Kyoshi warriors find a hungry, dirty and injured Appa. After the Kyoshi Warriors take care of him for a little while, and gain Appa’s trust, the Trio attacks. Appa manages to escape with the Kyoshi warriors help.

Fanart

Joo Dee:

http://superootoro.tumblr.com/post/90039544929/joo-dee-was-scary-as-shit-old-one-from-2010

http://sailortenchi.tumblr.com/post/161387243649/joo-dee-brought-to-you-by-a-collaboration-with-my

http://airbenderbabe.tumblr.com/post/109199937761/hello-my-name-is-joo-dee-i-have-been-given-the

Fancy Earth Kingdom Toph: http://korraquality.tumblr.com/post/79851806814/made-a-fancy-earth-kingdom-toph-to-go-with-the

Appa: http://raphodraws.tumblr.com/post/162362518137/so-my-sister-asked-me-to-make-her-an-avatar-themed

http://biram-ba-gallery.tumblr.com/post/148396635372/book-one-water-ive-been-watching-avatar-

http://angi-pants.tumblr.com/post/168337532892/cute-appa-concept-3-yes-no

Jet: http://istehlurvz.tumblr.com/post/158382341744/i-cant-believe-i-always-come-full-circle-on-old

http://thesearchingastronaut.tumblr.com/post/171707418292/today-i-missed-atla-so-i-drew-jet-because-he-was

The Gaang: http://raphodraws.tumblr.com/post/162442066567/ok-so-after-design-no1-got-rejected-have-design

Bosco and The Earth King: http://zeddfro.tumblr.com/post/166491061201/inktober-day-16-fat-bosco-the-normal-bear

Suki: http://angi-pants.tumblr.com/post/171903584627/sneak-peak-suki-is-finally-ready-for-approval

Suki & Sokka: http://rebel-spore.tumblr.com/post/170879604308/sokka-would-so-be-all-about-valentines-day

Suki, Yue & Mai: http://puffycaveman.tumblr.com/post/120074866296/been-super-busy-lately-but-i-finally-had-some

Iroh’s tea time: https://huckdoodles.tumblr.com/post/171984618446/huckdoodles-sharing-tea-with-a-fascinating

Analysis

Caelum Blue's ATLA Episode Timeline (this is dedication!) https://caelum-in-the-avatarverse.tumblr.com/post/171979806694/caelum-blues-atla-episode-timeline

Discord server: https://discord.gg/dtajJx3

Avatar Rewatch Calendar: http://goo.gl/NUV1Kp

(These beautiful episode title cards were created by the ever talented @ahhhsami)

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mittensmorgul · 7 years ago

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Survival of the Fittest rewatch airs today. I have still never forgiven Sera Gamble for putting the words in Dean's mouth that no one cares that Cas is broken. :) I don't care how frustrated Dean was, no wonder Cas doubts where he stands with the Winchesters. I always imagine Cas remembers all of the times Dean made those comments like being called junkless sissy. This is not really a serious complaint, just sharing an observation that Ritchie was right, "Words hurt, Winchester." :) :)

Ooh, if we’re bringing Richie the Incompetent Hunter from 3.04 into things, let’s remember the context in which we’re quoting, because that’s key here:

RICHIE: Oh, man. You should have seen the rack on this broad. Freakin’ tragedy when I had to gank her.DEAN: Whoa, whoa. Wait. Who killed her? If I remember, your ass was toast until I showed up.RICHIE: Oh, I forgot what a comedian this guy was.DEAN: Richie, Richie, know what? I told you then and I’ll tell you again — you’re not cut out for this job. You’re gonna get yourself killed.(RICHIE’s phone rings)RICHIE: (to caller) : Talk to me.(to DEAN): FYI, Winchester — words hurt. (to caller): Yeah? (pause) No, it’s not a good time, babe. Later.DEAN: So you find anything in this town, anyway?RICHIE: Ah, no. I got nothing. Oh, wait a minute. You mean as in demons and whatnot?DEAN: Yeah.RICHIE: No, I got nothing.

There’s the quote in context. We’ve just met Richie, completely distracted by his “sister,” who is clearly a hooker, in a town that’s supposedly overrun with demons that he was theoretically hunting. His first story up there makes us wonder if he’d really had things under control on that previous hunt, but combined with his comment about the physical distraction the succubus provided and the fact that he also has NOTHING on the demons in town but is distracted so easily with the, uh… local entertainment… and the serious way Dean delivered his line about him not being cut out for this job, AND the fact that Dean was right and he DID end up getting himself killed… well…

There’s also the joking bantering way he delivered that line to Dean about words hurting while he was talking on the phone with yet another woman he was hooking up with… I mean… Dean wasn’t trying to be hurtful, and Richie wasn’t actually hurt by his words. He was trying to be honest. Richie didn’t take his advice, and Dean ended up having to bury him. So take the quote in context.

Just like the quote about 7.23:

CASTIEL: I can’t help. You understand? I can’t. I destroyed… everything, and I will destroy everything again. Can we please just leave it at that?DEAN: No. [He gets up.] No, we can’t.SAM: Dean…DEAN: We can’t leave it. You let these friggin’ things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. You don’t get a damned cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess!

Out of context, it sounds awful. But look back at ALL of s7 (and really most of s6 too). What’s the advice that Dean himself got from Frank, and from Bobby, and from Eliot freaking Ness, and pretty much everyone else all season long?

That his personal problems aren’t as important as getting the job done. Paste on a smile and decide to keep doing the job or just give it up. That there was no time for wallowing in his own depression:

Eliot: Boo hoo, cry me a river, ya nancy! Tell me, are all hunters as soft as you in the future?

AND AS AWFUL AS IT WAS, IT KEPT HIM GOING UNTIL THINGS STARTED TO TURN HIS WAY AGAIN.

This… wasn’t a one-off pissy comment from Dean to Cas. Because why had Dean needed to suffer through pretty much everything he did in s7 until Cas came back? Bobby laid it out in 7.02:

Bobby: Course. You just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brother’s in the bell jar, and purgatory’s most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but you know, yeah, I get it. You’re fine.

But what was the DIRECT CAUSE of all of this? Cas’s actions in s6. This is why he had such a hard time forgiving Cas at first (which he talked about with Emmanuel in 7.17, before he actually DID extend the olive branch and essentially INSTANTLY forgave Cas for EVERYTHING). But as long as Cas was alive, and there, they could fix things. There was still hope that everything could be made right again.

In 7.21 when Cas first woke up, Dean let himself hope (despite Meg’s warning that he wasn’t quite the same) that Cas would progressively “get better,” because no matter how bad things sometimes got, Cas was still his friend, and still someone he relied on, put his faith in, because Cas had always come back to him… I mean, in the “Playing Sorry” scene, the nature of the board game and the moves they make essentially define the dynamic Dean’s struggling with here.

Dean plays first, and starts talking with Cas, but Cas refuses to engage with his questions at all. Instead he talks about something else entirely at the same time playing the game and knocking Dean’s piece back to the start. But Dean knows that Cas has information that can help begin to put this entire mess to rights. They literally have a tablet in their hands that may hold all the answers, and Cas is ALIVE and AWAKE, and he remembers EVERYTHING… and yet he doesn’t even seem to care ABOUT DEAN AT ALL. One of the things Cas can’t engage with due to his sense of abject guilt over IS DEAN. And what he did to Dean at the end of s6 and in 7.01. In his present state, Cas can’t see any way through to redeeming himself to Dean (which was ALL he wanted in 7.01 before the Leviathans took over).

But all season long, Dean’s been fighting mostly alone (or at least that’s how it felt to him) to try and clean up this mess that he’d tried to stop Cas from making in the first place. And goddammit, take ALL of that, Dean’s frustration from s6 and his desperation and loss throughout s7, mix it in a huge pot and serve it up when he’s so close to the finish line of saving the entire planet, knowing Cas holds the final key to taking Dick down…

And he knows that CAS knows this. Dean’s spent three episodes trying to be understanding, trying to coddle Cas along, hoping HIS Cas that he knows is still in there somewhere, the one whose dying promise in 7.01 had been to redeem himself to Dean, the one who remembered everything and saved Sam in 7.17, the one Dean told they COULD fix it all if they worked together, the one who cares about humanity so much he stood alone against Heaven to save it.

The one Hester accused DEAN of having broken in the first place in 7.21:

DEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back off. We’re actually trying to clean up one of your angel’s messes! You know that.CASTIEL: He’s right. An angel brought the Leviathan back into this world, and – and they begged him. They begged him not to do it.DEAN: Look, just give us some time, okay? We will take care of your Prophet.HESTER: Why should we give you anything… After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost! For that, you’re going to pay.HESTER walks towards DEAN.CASTIEL: Please. They’re the ones we were put here to protect.HESTER: No, Castiel.HESTER backhands CASTIEL and he falls to the ground. INAIS and the other MALE ANGEL each hold up two fingers to stop DEAN and SAM from going to CASTIEL’s aid.HESTER: No more madness! [She punches CASTIEL.] No more promises! [She punches CASTIEL again.] No more new Gods! [She punches CASTIEL repeatedly and then holds up an angel knife.]

SHE DIRECTLY BLAMES CAS’S FRIENDSHIP WITH DEAN FOR EVERYTHING. “The very touch of you corrupts.”

Meanwhile, Cas is unable to even talk about his own actions in the first person. He’s doing everything he can to distance himself from his guilt. It’s the only way he’s able to engage with everything he’s feeling guilty about. And now Dean’s just got one more item on his checklist of things to feel like shit about– ruining an angel of the Lord– and not even through his actions or words or deeds, but by the simple fact of his existence. He’s poison.

Yet… he’s still fighting. He’s still swinging, until he just can’t anymore. And some combination of desperation over all of this, after a season where he seriously contemplated just giving up so many times, where he cared so little about himself or the fight or just… anything… Cas’s current state is just the last straw.

Look at what Dean tells Kevin in 7.21 about being “chosen”:

DEAN: Oh, I don’t know, man. What can I say? You’ve been chosen. And it sucks. Believe me. There’s no use asking “why me?” ‘Cause the angels – they don’t care. I think maybe they just don’t have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just… breaks them apart.

THAT line always breaks my heart. Because it’s ABOUT CAS. And Dean’s guilt over what’s happened to Cas. HE feels like it’s entirely his fault that Cas is broken apart now.

Cas had done all of this to protect Dean. ALL of it. Including sacrificing himself to heal Sam in 7.17, which directly resulted in his current state.

And back to 7.23, Cas drops the bombshell on them that the entire garrison of angels is dead or in hiding– including the ones who’d been guarding Kevin Tran– and then veers off topic to talk about monkeys because he doesn’t want to get involved, he doesn’t want to fight, and he certainly doesn’t want to feel his personal guilt for yet another loss (of both the angels from his garrison AND the prophet).

This is also the first time that Dean tells Cas they don’t want him to fight, they’re just worried, and they need the information he has about Kevin in order to try and save him:

CASTIEL: I don’t want to fight.DEAN: No, I’m not – [very calmly] we’re worried.CASTIEL: They took him. He’s alive. I felt such responsibility, but it’s in your hands now.DEAN: Wait. Hold on a freakin’ minute.CASTIEL: I feel much better.

It’s in your hands now. As if that just absolved him of all that responsibility.

And that’s… just not how any of this works.

Plus, after what Crowley said:

CROWLEY: Certainly. Oh, bonus. Meg, I’m gonna scoop you up, take you home, and roast you till you’re jerky. [CASTIEL starts to move towards CROWLEY.] But not… yet. Cas can have you for now. Hilariously, it seems he’d be upset at losing you. And the boys need Cas to get Dick. Don’t they, Cas?CASTIEL: Oh, I – I don’t fight anymore.CROWLEY: Come on. Given the particulars of your enemy, sadly, you’re vital.

CAS IS VITAL. They’d can’t get Dick without him. And from Cas’s reaction to Crowley’s assertion there? Cas knows it. He goes so far to avoid that truth as to make the Solidarity Sandwiches in order to dodge his responsibility AGAIN. Because again, he can’t look them in the eyes when he says it:

SAM: And Cas, why was Crowley so certain that you need to come with us?CASTIEL: Crowley’s wrong. I’ll be waiting right here. But please – accept this sandwich as a gesture of solidarity.

When Sam and Dean show up at Sucrocorp the first time, they discover there are MULTIPLE Leviathans who ALL look like Dick. Their weapon only works once, so they can’t afford to bone the WRONG Dick, and they understand. Cas is the only one who can tell them which is the Real Dick. This is why they need Cas. And CAS KNOWS THIS. Yet he deflects AGAIN.

But WHY is he deflecting? Because just like Dean, who’s believed he was “poison,” and has been reminded of it very recently, Cas believes the same of HIMSELF. This is right in Dean’s personal wheelhouse. DEAN GETS IT. But he’s really got a limited set of tools in his personal emotional tool box for coping with that feeling he knows so well…

This is also where they finally catch up with Bobby, and finally burn the flask keeping his ghost tethered to the planet, and Cas stands in the shadows witnessing Sam and Dean’s loss (that he also feels responsible for) of the closest thing to a father they had. He begins to realize that Dean and he are of a similar mind here…

CASTIEL: I’m not good luck, Dean.DEAN: Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you’re the only guy left on the bench… Sorry, but I’d rather have you, cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, all right? We’re all cursed. I seem like good luck to you? [CASTIEL stares at DEAN.] What?CASTIEL: Well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.DEAN: Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna die tomorrow, so…CASTIEL: Well, I’ll go with you. And I’ll do my best.

And despite Cas still not being able to forgive HIMSELF, he sees that Dean can’t really forgive himself either… yet they’re both able to forgive each other. It’s a start.

This story isn’t about just one or the other of them. It’s about BOTH of them, feeling the same weight of guilt and failure and loss. It doesn’t work unless you see that from both sides, in context of the gravity of the entire story, and what circumstance has taken from BOTH of them.

Which is why they BOTH ended up in Purgatory.

It’s not Dean “being mean” to Cas. And that one comment that Cas completely understood in context– he KNEW he was actively dodging his responsibility. Which is why I feel really uncomfortable labeling this incarnation of Cas “crazy.” Because he’s not. He’s in abject denial, but he isn’t crazy. The moment they land in Purgatory, he makes sure Dean knows what’s happened and where they are, and then takes off running to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Perfectly lucid, perfectly aware, and doing the only penance he has left to him– protecting Dean by sacrificing himself.

Which is honestly how we got into this whole mess in the first place. It’s not DEAN’s words that drove him to this point. It’s just what angels DO.

Remember, Cas has been a warrior of Heaven for billions of years, reprogrammed at need to follow orders. His entire existence had been nothing but THIS. His notion of “family” in Heaven was an understanding that he had a purpose and a job and a place because of what he DID, not just because of who he WAS. It’s not even something Cas could truly understand yet– what family means to humans as opposed to what it means to angels.

Cas judged his personal worth on how useful he could be, not on the fact that he was someone Dean just cared about REGARDLESS of how useful he could be to them. Sure, in this case Cas was instrumental in fixing things, but no matter how many times Dean has told him he’s family, that they work better together, Cas still doesn’t have a human frame of reference to understand what that means. He will soon enough… *waves at s9 in the distance*

And wow, okay, I just spent nearly 4 hours on this. Wow. But this is important, this is everything, because this right here is the absolute Stone Number One in the foundation of ALL of Dean and Cas’s future relationship. This guilt on BOTH sides, for very different reasons. This feeling that they’re both poison. That they corrupt everything they touch… THIS pushed BOTH of them to find forgiveness in themselves through finding forgiveness in each other. I mean… without this there would BE NO DESTIEL. I mean… that’s the big picture here.

#spn 7.17 #spn 7.21 #spn 7.23 #spn s7 #castiel winchester #oh DEAN #the scheherazade of supernatural #just one of MANY reasons i was perplexed by folks who were angry that s8 didn't give us canon destiel #despite ALLLLLLL the subtext hinting at SOMETHING happening between them #there was still ALLLLL this baggage^^ to work through for BOTH of them #baggage that they're STILL working through individually #that Dean's nearly come to the end of on his side but that Cas is still fighting through on his side #THIS IS WHAT IS STILL BEING RESOLVED BETWEEN THEM THROUGHOUT S12 #s12 as s6 redux #which is a tag i eventually expanded to include s7 #because this was it really-- the genesis of bringing ALL of this out of the subtext #and without this baseline point where they started WE WOULDN'T BE WHERE WE ARE TODAY #literally ALL of Cas's emotional growth since this point has rested on this singular fact #which is why I get so ANGRY about folks laying all this blame on DEAN like this #because it erases the narrative push that even makes a potential future relationship between them possible AT ALL #Anonymous #s12 hellatus rewatch

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