#there was still ALLLLL this baggage^^ to work through for BOTH of them

[mittensmorgul]

Survival of the Fittest rewatch airs today. I have still never forgiven Sera Gamble for putting the words in Dean's mouth that no one cares that Cas is broken. :) I don't care how frustrated Dean was, no wonder Cas doubts where he stands with the Winchesters. I always imagine Cas remembers all of the times Dean made those comments like being called junkless sissy. This is not really a serious complaint, just sharing an observation that Ritchie was right, "Words hurt, Winchester." :) :)

Ooh, if we’re bringing Richie the Incompetent Hunter from 3.04 into things, let’s remember the context in which we’re quoting, because that’s key here:

RICHIE: Oh, man. You should have seen the rack on this broad. Freakin’ tragedy when I had to gank her.DEAN: Whoa, whoa. Wait. Who killed her? If I remember, your ass was toast until I showed up.RICHIE: Oh, I forgot what a comedian this guy was.DEAN: Richie, Richie, know what? I told you then and I’ll tell you again — you’re not cut out for this job. You’re gonna get yourself killed.(RICHIE’s phone rings)RICHIE: (to caller) : Talk to me.(to DEAN): FYI, Winchester — words hurt. (to caller): Yeah? (pause) No, it’s not a good time, babe. Later.DEAN: So you find anything in this town, anyway?RICHIE: Ah, no. I got nothing. Oh, wait a minute. You mean as in demons and whatnot?DEAN: Yeah.RICHIE: No, I got nothing.

There’s the quote in context. We’ve just met Richie, completely distracted by his “sister,” who is clearly a hooker, in a town that’s supposedly overrun with demons that he was theoretically hunting. His first story up there makes us wonder if he’d really had things under control on that previous hunt, but combined with his comment about the physical distraction the succubus provided and the fact that he also has NOTHING on the demons in town but is distracted so easily with the, uh… local entertainment… and the serious way Dean delivered his line about him not being cut out for this job, AND the fact that Dean was right and he DID end up getting himself killed… well… 

There’s also the joking bantering way he delivered that line to Dean about words hurting while he was talking on the phone with yet another woman he was hooking up with… I mean… Dean wasn’t trying to be hurtful, and Richie wasn’t actually hurt by his words. He was trying to be honest. Richie didn’t take his advice, and Dean ended up having to bury him. So take the quote in context.

Just like the quote about 7.23:

CASTIEL: I can’t help. You understand? I can’t. I destroyed… everything, and I will destroy everything again. Can we please just leave it at that?DEAN: No. [He gets up.] No, we can’t.SAM: Dean…DEAN: We can’t leave it. You let these friggin’ things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. You don’t get a damned cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess!

Out of context, it sounds awful. But look back at ALL of s7 (and really most of s6 too). What’s the advice that Dean himself got from Frank, and from Bobby, and from Eliot freaking Ness, and pretty much everyone else all season long?

That his personal problems aren’t as important as getting the job done. Paste on a smile and decide to keep doing the job or just give it up. That there was no time for wallowing in his own depression:

Eliot: Boo hoo, cry me a river, ya nancy! Tell me, are all hunters as soft as you in the future?

AND AS AWFUL AS IT WAS, IT KEPT HIM GOING UNTIL THINGS STARTED TO TURN HIS WAY AGAIN.

This… wasn’t a one-off pissy comment from Dean to Cas. Because why had Dean needed to suffer through pretty much everything he did in s7 until Cas came back? Bobby laid it out in 7.02:

Bobby: Course. You just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brother’s in the bell jar, and purgatory’s most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but you know, yeah, I get it. You’re fine.

But what was the DIRECT CAUSE of all of this? Cas’s actions in s6. This is why he had such a hard time forgiving Cas at first (which he talked about with Emmanuel in 7.17, before he actually DID extend the olive branch and essentially INSTANTLY forgave Cas for EVERYTHING). But as long as Cas was alive, and there, they could fix things. There was still hope that everything could be made right again.

In 7.21 when Cas first woke up, Dean let himself hope (despite Meg’s warning that he wasn’t quite the same) that Cas would progressively “get better,” because no matter how bad things sometimes got, Cas was still his friend, and still someone he relied on, put his faith in, because Cas had always come back to him… I mean, in the “Playing Sorry” scene, the nature of the board game and the moves they make essentially define the dynamic Dean’s struggling with here.

Dean plays first, and starts talking with Cas, but Cas refuses to engage with his questions at all. Instead he talks about something else entirely at the same time playing the game and knocking Dean’s piece back to the start. But Dean knows that Cas has information that can help begin to put this entire mess to rights. They literally have a tablet in their hands that may hold all the answers, and Cas is ALIVE and AWAKE, and he remembers EVERYTHING… and yet he doesn’t even seem to care ABOUT DEAN AT ALL. One of the things Cas can’t engage with due to his sense of abject guilt over IS DEAN. And what he did to Dean at the end of s6 and in 7.01. In his present state, Cas can’t see any way through to redeeming himself to Dean (which was ALL he wanted in 7.01 before the Leviathans took over).

But all season long, Dean’s been fighting mostly alone (or at least that’s how it felt to him) to try and clean up this mess that he’d tried to stop Cas from making in the first place. And goddammit, take ALL of that, Dean’s frustration from s6 and his desperation and loss throughout s7, mix it in a huge pot and serve it up when he’s so close to the finish line of saving the entire planet, knowing Cas holds the final key to taking Dick down… 

And he knows that CAS knows this. Dean’s spent three episodes trying to be understanding, trying to coddle Cas along, hoping HIS Cas that he knows is still in there somewhere, the one whose dying promise in 7.01 had been to redeem himself to Dean, the one who remembered everything and saved Sam in 7.17, the one Dean told they COULD fix it all if they worked together, the one who cares about humanity so much he stood alone against Heaven to save it.

The one Hester accused DEAN of having broken in the first place in 7.21:

DEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back off. We’re actually trying to clean up one of your angel’s messes! You know that.CASTIEL: He’s right. An angel brought the Leviathan back into this world, and – and they begged him. They begged him not to do it.DEAN: Look, just give us some time, okay? We will take care of your Prophet.HESTER: Why should we give you anything… After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost! For that, you’re going to pay.HESTER walks towards DEAN.CASTIEL: Please. They’re the ones we were put here to protect.HESTER: No, Castiel.HESTER backhands CASTIEL and he falls to the ground. INAIS and the other MALE ANGEL each hold up two fingers to stop DEAN and SAM from going to CASTIEL’s aid.HESTER: No more madness! [She punches CASTIEL.] No more promises! [She punches CASTIEL again.] No more new Gods! [She punches CASTIEL repeatedly and then holds up an angel knife.]

SHE DIRECTLY BLAMES CAS’S FRIENDSHIP WITH DEAN FOR EVERYTHING. “The very touch of you corrupts.”

Meanwhile, Cas is unable to even talk about his own actions in the first person. He’s doing everything he can to distance himself from his guilt. It’s the only way he’s able to engage with everything he’s feeling guilty about. And now Dean’s just got one more item on his checklist of things to feel like shit about– ruining an angel of the Lord– and not even through his actions or words or deeds, but by the simple fact of his existence. He’s poison.

Yet… he’s still fighting. He’s still swinging, until he just can’t anymore. And some combination of desperation over all of this, after a season where he seriously contemplated just giving up so many times, where he cared so little about himself or the fight or just… anything… Cas’s current state is just the last straw.

Look at what Dean tells Kevin in 7.21 about being “chosen”:

DEAN: Oh, I don’t know, man. What can I say? You’ve been chosen. And it sucks. Believe me. There’s no use asking “why me?” ‘Cause the angels – they don’t care. I think maybe they just don’t have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just… breaks them apart.

THAT line always breaks my heart. Because it’s ABOUT CAS. And Dean’s guilt over what’s happened to Cas. HE feels like it’s entirely his fault that Cas is broken apart now.

Cas had done all of this to protect Dean. ALL of it. Including sacrificing himself to heal Sam in 7.17, which directly resulted in his current state.

And back to 7.23, Cas drops the bombshell on them that the entire garrison of angels is dead or in hiding– including the ones who’d been guarding Kevin Tran– and then veers off topic to talk about monkeys because he doesn’t want to get involved, he doesn’t want to fight, and he certainly doesn’t want to feel his personal guilt for yet another loss (of both the angels from his garrison AND the prophet).

This is also the first time that Dean tells Cas they don’t want him to fight, they’re just worried, and they need the information he has about Kevin in order to try and save him:

CASTIEL: I don’t want to fight.DEAN: No, I’m not – [very calmly] we’re worried.CASTIEL: They took him. He’s alive. I felt such responsibility, but it’s in your hands now.DEAN: Wait. Hold on a freakin’ minute.CASTIEL: I feel much better.

It’s in your hands now. As if that just absolved him of all that responsibility.

And that’s… just not how any of this works.

Plus, after what Crowley said:

CROWLEY: Certainly. Oh, bonus. Meg, I’m gonna scoop you up, take you home, and roast you till you’re jerky. [CASTIEL starts to move towards CROWLEY.] But not… yet. Cas can have you for now. Hilariously, it seems he’d be upset at losing you. And the boys need Cas to get Dick. Don’t they, Cas?CASTIEL: Oh, I – I don’t fight anymore.CROWLEY: Come on. Given the particulars of your enemy, sadly, you’re vital.

CAS IS VITAL. They’d can’t get Dick without him. And from Cas’s reaction to Crowley’s assertion there? Cas knows it. He goes so far to avoid that truth as to make the Solidarity Sandwiches in order to dodge his responsibility AGAIN. Because again, he can’t look them in the eyes when he says it:

SAM: And Cas, why was Crowley so certain that you need to come with us?CASTIEL: Crowley’s wrong. I’ll be waiting right here. But please – accept this sandwich as a gesture of solidarity.

When Sam and Dean show up at Sucrocorp the first time, they discover there are MULTIPLE Leviathans who ALL look like Dick. Their weapon only works once, so they can’t afford to bone the WRONG Dick, and they understand. Cas is the only one who can tell them which is the Real Dick. This is why they need Cas. And CAS KNOWS THIS. Yet he deflects AGAIN.

But WHY is he deflecting? Because just like Dean, who’s believed he was “poison,” and has been reminded of it very recently, Cas believes the same of HIMSELF. This is right in Dean’s personal wheelhouse. DEAN GETS IT. But he’s really got a limited set of tools in his personal emotional tool box for coping with that feeling he knows so well… 

This is also where they finally catch up with Bobby, and finally burn the flask keeping his ghost tethered to the planet, and Cas stands in the shadows witnessing Sam and Dean’s loss (that he also feels responsible for) of the closest thing to a father they had. He begins to realize that Dean and he are of a similar mind here…

CASTIEL: I’m not good luck, Dean.DEAN: Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you’re the only guy left on the bench… Sorry, but I’d rather have you, cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, all right? We’re all cursed. I seem like good luck to you? [CASTIEL stares at DEAN.] What?CASTIEL: Well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.DEAN: Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna die tomorrow, so…CASTIEL: Well, I’ll go with you. And I’ll do my best.

And despite Cas still not being able to forgive HIMSELF, he sees that Dean can’t really forgive himself either… yet they’re both able to forgive each other. It’s a start.

This story isn’t about just one or the other of them. It’s about BOTH of them, feeling the same weight of guilt and failure and loss. It doesn’t work unless you see that from both sides, in context of the gravity of the entire story, and what circumstance has taken from BOTH of them.

Which is why they BOTH ended up in Purgatory.

It’s not Dean “being mean” to Cas. And that one comment that Cas completely understood in context– he KNEW he was actively dodging his responsibility. Which is why I feel really uncomfortable labeling this incarnation of Cas “crazy.” Because he’s not. He’s in abject denial, but he isn’t crazy. The moment they land in Purgatory, he makes sure Dean knows what’s happened and where they are, and then takes off running to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Perfectly lucid, perfectly aware, and doing the only penance he has left to him– protecting Dean by sacrificing himself.

Which is honestly how we got into this whole mess in the first place. It’s not DEAN’s words that drove him to this point. It’s just what angels DO.

Remember, Cas has been a warrior of Heaven for billions of years, reprogrammed at need to follow orders. His entire existence had been nothing but THIS. His notion of “family” in Heaven was an understanding that he had a purpose and a job and a place because of what he DID, not just because of who he WAS. It’s not even something Cas could truly understand yet– what family means to humans as opposed to what it means to angels.

Cas judged his personal worth on how useful he could be, not on the fact that he was someone Dean just cared about REGARDLESS of how useful he could be to them. Sure, in this case Cas was instrumental in fixing things, but no matter how many times Dean has told him he’s family, that they work better together, Cas still doesn’t have a human frame of reference to understand what that means. He will soon enough… *waves at s9 in the distance*

And wow, okay, I just spent nearly 4 hours on this. Wow. But this is important, this is everything, because this right here is the absolute Stone Number One in the foundation of ALL of Dean and Cas’s future relationship. This guilt on BOTH sides, for very different reasons. This feeling that they’re both poison. That they corrupt everything they touch… THIS pushed BOTH of them to find forgiveness in themselves through finding forgiveness in each other. I mean… without this there would BE NO DESTIEL. I mean… that’s the big picture here.

[friccinfricks]

Ben Hardy x Reader Headcannons, LONG.

This was originally titled “Ben x American!Reader” but idk how I feel about that, America’s lame. So, if you’re not an American, sorry, there are still some references to that, but otherwise it’s pretty generalized. Sorry! Nobody asked for this butttttt

- You probably met through Joe during Bohemian Rhapsody - When Joe met Ben, he just knew you two would get along - So he called you and insisted you visit him in London - “What?? Why??” - “There’s someone here I need you to meet” - He flew you out a week later, when they were doing the farm/Love of My Life/Bohemian Rhapsody scenes - He was so excited to see you, he rushed off the set to pick you up and twirl you around in a hug - “Y/N! You’re here!” - “Of course I’m here, I wouldn’t miss an opportunity to see Europe with you old friend!” - You catch Ben’s eye immediately - Joe introduces you to the rest of the cast, saving him for last - When you’re finally formally introduced, he can’t take his eyes off you - He’s in his wig and the blue button up, which is surprisingly silky - You find this out when you greet him with a hug, it’s warm and inviting - He smells lightly of cigarettes, but also of cologne - When you pull back, his arm lingers on your shoulder, a shy smile on his face - You come to the set everyday with Joe, for “encouragement” - But it’s really just so you can keep his chair warm (but it’s ineffective because the UK do be cold) - Ben notices this as the shooting goes on, and starts bringing an extra hoodie or jacket everyday, even when they move locations - He smiles when he sees your face light up - “You brought this, for me?” - “I saw you shivering yesterday, and since Joe is making you sit here all day, I thought I might as well try to make you less miserable.” - “Aw, thank you!” - He likes when you give it back to him at the end of the day, because by then it smells like you - You take turns bringing each other tea/coffee/hot chocolate (although it’s mostly you bringing it) - The rest of the BoRhap Boys make fun of you two alllll the time -Lucy’s kind of your closest confidante - One day towards the end of shooting, you run into her trailer where she’s packing up her bags - You’re wearing one of Ben’s navy blue hoodies - It’s way too big for you, but you’re so warm and toasty you don’t even care - “Lucy!” - “What?! Is something wrong?”

- You’re giggling like a fiend - “I need you to hide me” - “What?” - “I stole something from Joe and now he’s after me” - “What did you take?” - She’s asking you questions but she’s already moving things around so you can hide behind the small couch in the trailer - It doesn’t take long for Joe to come pounding on the door - “I know she’s in there! Let me in!” - “Whom? I don’t know who you’re talking about.” - “Y/N!!!” - Eventually he makes it into the trailer, immediately moving things around trying to find you - You’re trying super hard not to giggle - Ben sees Lucy standing in the doorway of the trailer and hears Joe’s yelling - “What’s going on?” He asks as he walks up to her - “Joe’s mad at Y/N because she took his picture of him and you from his make up station.” - Ben smirks and walks into the trailer, watching Joe tickle you while you’re squealing on the couch - “Give it back!” - “But... ah!... but you both look so cute in it! Please!” - “No! Get your own cute picture with Ben!” - Ben starts cracking up, approaching you two - Joe looks up at him, knowing about both of you and your feelings for each other - “We can take a cute picture if you want, Y/N” - You calm down your breathing, sit up, sigh, and reach into the pocket of the hoodie - “Fine, here” You say, feigning defeat - Joe takes it and victoriously kisses it, patting Ben’s shoulder - “I’m gonna get that fucking picture...” You mutter - And you do, eventually - You get many, many cute pictures and polaroids - At the wrap party after the last day of shooting, Ben asks if you’ll be going back to America soon - You tell him that you don’t have a return flight set up yet, but that you’ll probably have to go sometime soon - He asks you on a few dates, and it goes really well - But unfortunately you have to go back home - It’s a sad goodbye, but Ben insists that he’s going to call you everyday - And he does - Once a month he sends you a bouquet of your favorite flowers, always around the time of your period - He leaves little notes/cards with them, usually along the lines of        a. “Hello love, hope you’re doing alright this week, I know it’s not the best.”        b. “I’m thinking of you! Stay warm, let me know if you want another sweater.” - Among other cute things.  - When award show season comes around, he doesn’t even pretend to get a hotel room - “So, is your apartment ready for me?” - “It’s been ready for you! For months!” - The only downside is that he wasn’t able to bring Frankie - You guys rock the red carpet together - He can’t keep his hands off you, constant compliments - He’s v protective of you, holding/covering your drink when you go to the bathroom - You know that video of him and Joe at the 7/11??? - Yeah, you’re sitting in the car with Lucy, Rami, and Gwilym waiting for Ben to bring you out a fresh cup of coffee - “You two took forever. You’re not allowed to go on food runs anymore!” - The entire cast and you probably get drunk off your asses at Rami’s house, the ultimate after party. - You probably wake up in a spare bedroom in his button down - He’s next to you, breathing softly - His hair’s a mess and yours is too (not like a, “we fucked last night” but more of a, “we did some dumb shit last night”) - You get up before him and bring him a cup of coffee with just the right amount of cream - When you go downstairs, you see the rest of the cast, sprawled out on couches, making you smile - Everyone complains about the noise, but they quiet down when you distribute cups of coffee and aspirin. - Joe doesn’t even open his eyes when you set his down on the coffee table in front of him, he just says, “thank you Mom” - Once you get back to the room Ben and you shared last night he’s stirring - “Oh, there you are, beautiful” - You softly tell him to shut up and hand him his coffee - You run a hand through his hair when he groans about the sunlight coming through the blinds - He kisses your knuckles after a few sips and complains about his pounding head - Eventually you say goodbye to everyone and catch an uber back to your apartment - He falls asleep on your shoulder on the way back - He leaves a few days later to start shooting for Six Underground - It’s a sad goodbye (again) but you get through it - He does his best to call you when possible, and even introduces you to Ryan Reynolds, who makes fun of how he talks about you all the time - He flies you out to Italy, where you scold him the entire time and tell him to be careful during all of his stunts - “Stop it! sLOW DOWN!” - “Babe I gotta do it for the shot, let me practice before we film” - “Be careful though!” - He’s an utter dork about it and winks at you while he’s practicing - He even winks at you and sticks his tongue out during one of the shots, which makes the editors in post roll their eyes months later when they’re going through the footage - Somehow you wind up rolling your ankle ??? - You’re sight-seeing with him and you’re walking down some steps and ?? - He catches you and pouts when you insist that you’re fine while also hissing in pain when you walk on it - So he carries you back to his hotel and makes you lay down on the bed - You huff and complain but he kisses your forehead and you watch Netflix with him the rest of the day - He takes good care of you, propping it up on a pillow while wrapping you in blankets - He doesn’t even roll his eyes or smirk that much when you complain about the ice being too cold on your foot - You order his favorite (spaghetti carbonara) and you make him watch The Office, the American version - “No! I hate this! The British version came out first, that’s the original!” - “Yeah but this one is better, also, I’m INJURED” - He chuckles and boops your nose and says, “you’re lucky I love you so much” - And that’s the first time he tells you he loves you !!! - You stop mid noodle slurp with wide eyes and turn to him - You blink a couple times, swallow, and tell him you love him too - He smiles and puts an arm around you - A few months after you go back home, you get a call from your boss - They ask you if you’d like to work from home - You mull it over, then ask them if working from home could be done from another country - ... or continent.... - They tell you yes, and you call Ben nearly immediately - “Heyyy baby, remember how you told me you loved me and would support me no matter what?” - “Of course darling, what’s up?” - “How would you feel if I... maybe... moved to London...?” - He doesn’t even answer the question - His voice gets super high and he flips out - “Oh my god, really?!” - “Do you want to stay with me? I promise, my flat’s clean” - “Babe, Frankie misses you so much, when will you be here?” - You chuckle and thank your bosses for the opportunity - Your family isn’t in love with this decision, but they support you - And they like/trust Ben enough to be okay with this - Two months later you’re in London, luggage in hand - You’re looking around the airport, kinda freaked out - He finds you in baggage claim, taking you into a bigggg hug - He won’t stop kissing you !! - “You’re *kisses* so *kisses* beautiful!”  - “Ugh babe stop I just got off a plane, I know I look like crap” - “No. You’re absolutely radiant.” - He helps you with your bags and takes them out to his car - The entire times he’s holding your hand and telling you how excited he is - Your first night there he insists on taking you to his favorite takeout restaurant - It becomes a weekly tradition; takeout every tuesday - Months go by and the pandemic hits - Luckily his shooting for Pixie is done by then - But he’s still bored and on edge - You guys watch the news, but after a while it just becomes too depressing - You sleep in a LOT together - normally he’s not a morning person anyways, but any semblance of a schedule is now gone - One time you see an ad on the tele about animals more in need - Frankie’s sitting on your lap and you’re rubbing her ears - “Do you want a friend, Frank?” - She just looks up at you with big eyes - “We should get a cat.” You announce - “A cat? Are you crazy?” - “I dunno, I kind of want a cat.” - He just sort of nods slowly, averting his eyes back to the tv - A couple days later when you come back from the store you can’t find him - “Hon? Where’d you go?” - You hear some shuffling and moving around coming from your shared bedroom - “Shh shh no, hush, don’t chew on that, your mum will be so mad if you ruin her lamp” - “Ben?” - “Y/N! Hi love, come in, come in!” - You open the door and you see him sitting on the floor with a little black and white kitten on the floor in front of him - You squeal and drop to your knees - The kitten immediately takes to you, purring while you pet it - “What should we name her?” - It takes the two of you a couple of hours to figure out a name - But you settle on Mariposa, because it almost looks like she’s got butterfly wings on her back - Mariposa and Frankie actually get along really well !! - At first they were afraid of each other, but after having them both for two weeks Mariposa is more than comfortable cuddling with Frankie on one of her doggy beds - Ben complains every now and then about “all the estrogen” in his flat, but you just throw a pillow at him - “You chose Mari! And Frankie! AND ME!”  - Speaking of throwing pillows - That’s kind of your thing when there’s not any hot tea or coffee around - When one of you says something inherently stupid,  - BOOM - Pillow’s thrown at the other - Sometimes this leads to pillow and tickle fights (which somehow he always wins) - And yeah, that’s kind of the only two kinds of fights you guys have - Sometimes there are definitely cultural differences or perspectives, but you usually are able to contain those disputes enough to where no one’s voice is raised and there isn’t any lingering animosity - Ben is aware that you two are different people from different upbringings, and is mature enough to realize that you won’t agree on everything - BUT that is a great way to push each of you out of your comfort zones - Your relationship is by no means perfect - Especially in the beginning when it was rare for you to see each other when you weren’t on Face Time. - There were ups and downs and very hard times of just... missing him -  But through that entire journey, you never felt as if you weren’t meant to be - You knew that Ben was a hot commodity and as a growing actor he would be getting a lot of attention for how talented and attractive he is - And he knows you get a little worried/insecure/jealous sometimes, so he goes out of his way to show a little bit of extra PDA towards you when he feels it’s appropriate - All in all, he just wants you to know that he thinks you’re the real star of the relationship - His star, anyways - And while he’s done his best to take it slow, holding off on saying “I love you” too soon because he wanted it to mean a lot - He’s got something in the works - A little velvet box that he puts in every pair of pants, because you never know when the right moment arrives - He’s so nervous, too - There have been so so so so many times during quarantine that he’s wanted to just pop the question - But he knows he’s got to have just a little bit of patience - Then, one day, it comes - You’re nauseous as you look at the two parallel lines on the test - You’re freaking out, you have no idea what to do - If Ben even wants kids - If you even want to keep it - You slide down against the bathroom wall, feeling v clammy - After ten minutes, Ben knocks on the door - “Love? You alright?” - “I-um, yeah, one second!” - You stand up, hands trembling and open the door - He’s standing there, a worried look on his face - “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” - You hand him the test - “Sorry, it’s kind of unsanitary.” - This gets a chuckle out of him - It’s hard to read his expression, but you can see he’s trying to hide a smile - “Hold on, stay right there princess” - He disappears into your bedroom and you’re just standing in the doorway like ??? what is he up to ??? - A moment later he comes back and gets on one knee and you’re just... flabbergasted - It takes you a second to comprehend what just happened, but you say yes (duh) - He’s so excited - He kisses your forehead and then your tummy - He insists, and nearly begs to go with you to every OB/GYN appointment - You let him drive you there, and even in the earliest stages of the pregnancy, he’s got an arm on your womb the wholeeee time - At first you told the doctor you didn’t want to know the gender - But then she told you that you’d be having twins - TWINS - So you were like, “fine okay just tell us” - Ben looks like he’s about to faint when the doctor tells you they’re girls - On the car ride back he’s joking the whole time - “Oh my god the amount of ESTROGEN I’ll be dealing with is ASTRONOMICAL”  - The two of you have no idea what to name them - You ask Lucy and Rami, who are trying to conceive - The entire BoRhap cast is sending you suggestions alllllll the time, at any hour of the day - Joe wants you to name them Josefina and Frances since he’s the one who brought you two together - But you’re also planning a wedding simultaneously - You decide it’s going to be a very, very small and soon ceremony - The only people there are your very closest friends and family - Tbh the most expensive element was probably your dress - You get married two months after your engagement - And go through a very rigorous pregnancy - The twins are born with slight complications, which makes Ben worry about you the whole time - You end up naming them Ilsa and Delia, both beautiful and healthy - They for sure have Ben’s green eyes and your hair - And yeah - Life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty damn close - Ben loves you and all his girls - Because you’re his girls - He’s a good and compassionate father, and his parents love to babysit for you - And if there’s such thing as a happily ever after, - This is it.

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I got a reading done. I wanted to know why did I fall in love with Jay and why did they abuse me and neglect me that way, on and off for 2yrs

while they was engaged...all I gave her was their government name before even identifying as Jay or transitioning to Jaiden.

Everything was right about Jay being focused on career and finances cause they wanna save up and rent or buy a house with Ayunna so they can start a family. That's true.

The last part where she says it wasn't intentional to hurt me...I think she read it from Jay's side. Where from my side, it looks like she knew what she was doing and was going for the reaction she was looking for. You don't use your friends for sex and bdsm podiums to do shit without consent sometimes when you get drunk. Nor do you ignore aftercare after shut like that, as if I was asking for too much.

My thing is, if Jay loved me too...liked the reader said "Why did she do alllll that shit to me....but you treated your wife nicer and better than me. She even joined in on you torturing me, cause yall were both sadists. She got off on you yelling at me and calling me an asshole. When really you were being the asshole that night, getting into my face.

I know what they did was wrong and they knew that and still kept going as long as said yes and hid my pain from them. Cause everytime I was the one to start confronting them, they would cut off our conversations so disrespectful, and ignore that there even is a problem with our relationship....and then a few times blocked me just because they didn't like what I had to say.

See, the reader couldn't pick up on that because Jay doesn't believe that they are an abuser who completely denied ever being in love with me.

They would say, "I love everything about you, I'm just not 'in love with you."

"We're like wolves, but you're not my mate. I love Ayunna"

"I care about Ky, but I love you Ayunna and I'm going make you my wife, the mother of my children. All it is with Ky is lust." And she said this last one so loving and so dear as she looked into Ayunnas eyes, even to ignore that I was there sitting right next to them on the couch. I've never wanted to fight and to cry my whole life. I sipped 4 beers that night because of it. Holding in my pain like normal, because it showed me right there that Jay doesn't in fact care about me, not ever did they feel the same way.

Cause why would you have said that to her like that, right in front of my face, after I said I love you like 3wks ago....and then had the balls to want a kiss from me right after your wife and mother of your child, left out of the room???

Like wtfff.

Then the reader says Jay has mental and emotional insecurities and instabilities which is why they behave this way. Which is so fucking true. You have multiple personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder, all year round depression that you take meds for because you don't naturally make as much serotonin, you have multiple accounts of abuse trauma from different people....exes and family included (which was all 5 forms of abuse), you're a sadist, a sociopath, a controlling narcissist like your mother, you have a drinking problem, and you get insomnia from time to time, dysphoria, ADD, Codependent, Anxiety, PTSD, and you've self harmed before because you're a masochist.

And all of the reasons why I left were you hurt me multiple times, on and off neglected me and blocked me as punishment, you seemed to care more about me being your bdsm sex slave pet, than me actually being treated like a fucking friend, while I shut my trap, afraid you would leave me again and I learned that no matter how much of a good friend I was to you, gave you things I shouldn't, my body,, my face....you didn't care about any of that.. just as long as I came when you said come over and whatever I wanted and needed...didn't fucking matter.

In fact, I went as far to go date other people to get my emotional and sexual needs met because you were not satisfying me as a friend, a lover, and intimate partner. Actually, the no intimacy part is pretty much why I stopped really talking to you about how I felt..

BECAUSE YOU DONT CAREEEEE TO LISTENNNNN

You never respected me or even cared about how my emotions and my mental health were impacted by you. I told you I was feeling suicidal and depressed after you blocked me and left me for the 2nd time just because I was starting to date this girl, but I said I was in love with you....but you didn't want a commitment with me. You got upset all because I called ayunna an ice queen and blocked me.

And all you said in response to me was "alright" as if me being suicidal was not crucial enough for you to understand. Nor did it fucking matter to you as long as it wasn't you,huh?

Then when I actually decided to leave you for good and texted both you and Ayunna and said I've been jealous and depressed from this relationship and I need to go.

All You said was "you got problems" and later on blocked me. As if you closed the door right behind me.

I never wanna speak to you again. And don't care if you loved me or not. You treated me worse than my own mother, at least she had the decency to say I'm sorry and wanted us to work our relationship out.

Jocelyn, not once have you ever said I'm sorry for blocking you, leaving you for months, and coming back again to act like nothing happened and making me just drop it so you didn't have to tell your side about why you left me repeatedly. Never saying sorry I hurt your feelings. Never admitting that you were the one who was wrong and all that shit you flipped on me as my fault was utter bullshit.

I left so that the cycle would die, never to repeat again. And you would go away and live your life with Ms. Ugly and her bullshitty ass controlling rules, and her blatant, but true prudeness. While you still emotionally cheat on her through other females, because she's too stupid and codependent to say "hey I don't like sharing you jay" but instead she plots petty, passive aggressive shits to manipulate you into thinking I was the bad guy and deserves to be hated, disrespected, and neglected. And she had a ball seeing the girl who was prettier than her, get treated like trash.

Literally cause both you are and look like trash. Inside and out. Fucking fuckbois with vaginas. Get the fuck out of my face and go back to your dungeons.

I don't care how much baggage you have, for you to even feel the same way as I do for you and then for you to lie consistently to me and your soon to be wife...cause it's been 2yrs and yall still not officially Married??

You're a shitty husband. And you made me believe it was my fault the entire time. No, it was you Jay. You used me for money, alcohol, and a friend to talk to when you felt suicidal and didn't feel like hearing your wife judge you for being sad and depressed. What type of chubby wife is that? She judges you and makes it worse, and tried to force you to just be happy? And you actually have a mental illness 🤒

She sounds slow, annoying, rude, jealous, and stuck up her own ass, thinks she's a know it all, but she's really not. In fact she's enabling you to keep cheating on her and to give you that time to release your anger on other girls cause she likes that you remind us that she's your wife....even though you're not loyal and she doesn't even brag about you on her page.

You're the only one in the relationship being a cheerleader for your own relationship. She's a monster and you're a monster. And if that bitch wanna talk about "take responsibility and own up to your actions" I'll remind her of the stuff she never owned up. Tried to use me for her own personal sex toy too, just because you were starting to feel distant from working at the factory.

Which is the same factory my dad works at. I hope he sees your face and scares the fuck out you every time you see him. Cause you already know what he looks like....

[thejerkstorecalled]

The Final Sprint: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Whew, it’s been a CRAZY six weeks! And got down to crunch time: shipping my goods, selling the convertible (thank you, Jesus) and flying away from the Bay. 

Naturally, Murphy’s Law ran it’s course and nearly everything that could go wrong did. 

I packed up alllll the things for LuggageFoward to ship via UPS:

BTW the fan was *not* being shipped, that went to the trash pile, but I did have the pleasure of carring that silly fan all around San Francisco, Napa, Sonoma and Livermore so that I could exercise with a cool breeze #priorities

Luggage included: 2 bike bags (one w the frame, one w the wheels), a 50 lb Wahoo Kickr, a roller bag, a large back pack. 

UPS was scheduled to come pick up the luggage between 3 and 7 PM on Friday, and I was ready for them and looking forward to literally dumping some heavy baggage. 

Automobiles

I had some work to blow through in the morning and a press interview at noon, so decided if I left at 1 PM to get Michael’s car appraised at Carmax ahead of selling it to them on Sunday and also pick up the bike I was renting to ride all weekend that I’d surely be back by 3. Right? Right????!!!!

As evidenced from earlier posts, Michael’s car is a tiny convertible that I’ve been constantly tetris-ing all my s#it into for the last six weeks. On top of that, the radio hasn’t worked in approximately two years. The windows don’t align fully to the car when rolled up, so they create a wind tunnel unless you roll them down and then back up every time you get into the car. But they have to go all the way down before they go back up again. And most recently, I discovered that the roof leaks on both the passenger and driver side. Have I mentioned that we’ve been having apocolyptic rain lately in the Bay Area? So to say that I have a hate-hate relationship with that car might be an understatement. 

I took the car to Carmax, and the staff was friendly and quickly started on the appraisal that should only take 30 minutes which generally involves testing all the features and taking it for a short spin to identify any issues. Since said car is a convertible, they also tested the top, letting it down and then back u..... Oh wait, it’s STUCK! Yeah, the convertible top got stuck going back on and then wouldn’t go in either direction. The car looked like a giant UFO and not something that I could drive around with more rain inevitable over my final two days. And I was on a time crunch! So they generated the appraisal and confirmed I could come back before 9 that night to finalize the check and fortunately we only lost out on $500 - 1000 with that issue. But what was I going to drive and how was I going to get this bike???

The Carmax people (they were all really awesome) drove me to the Enterprise that was serendipitously right next to the bike shop to rent a car for the next two days. Clearly I needed something full sized ‘cause I still had a lot of stuff. In what was probably the best thing that’s happened to me through this whole scenario, I got a free upgrade, though it was a bit lost on me bc I didn’t know what to do with all the extra buttons and there did not appear to be any bun warmers (the only feature that really matters):

I then popped over to the bike shop and grabbed the bike and took it apart enough to fit it into the back. Thank goodness for black leather vs chain grease. 

I had ten minutes to get “home” before my 3 PM window started and naturally Friday traffic was a nightmare in full force. I arrived back to my friend’s condo - where I’d been staying most recently - at 3:30/3:40 but there was not sign on the door that UPS had missed me and by calling LuggageForward, Michael and I determined that I had not missed the driver and they hadn’t yet been to pick up the goods.

Now to get back to work and wrap up things, and also I was STARVING. My day had started with a 4,300 yard swim and in all the chaos I hadn’t had time to eat lunch and really hadn’t eaten much at all on the day. This was a good time to test out DoorDash. I was debating between a veggie burger and burrito/enchilada, but ultimatley opted for Mexican. It took just about 30 minutes and the delivery fee was surprisingly not outrageous and the food was in good condition. I would definitely recommend this service and use it again. 

6:55 rolls around and no UPS, so I start to get concerned. I call and they report that the driver made an attempt but didn’t have the condo flat # in his log, just the street address. So why didn’t he call???? I waited until 7:30 to hear back from the flurry of customer service phone calls which seemed to have ceased, and then headed to Carmax to wrap up that ordeal. About ten minutes into the trip, UPS calls to tell me the driver just made his last stop and will come back by, so I told them I was out but close and did a u-turn to head home. I get back home and wait. and wait. and make more customer service phone calls. The UPS driver noted in his log that he waited for 15 minutes, though I know he did not because it overlaps with the time I was at the condo... The “resolution” was that I would need to drop off my luggage at a UPS store by 1PM the next day. So it’s a good thing I got a full-sized rental car!

To cap off an exhausting Friday, I went back to Carmax and wrapped up everything with the sale of the car and got to sleep for my last ride with my Saturday cycling crew. For a change, the weather looked favorable and I was excited to pedal outside on a road bike, evidently my current anxiety about riding outside is exclusive to tri bikes?

I woke up on Saturday and rode to meet my crew. I noticed that the clouds didn’t look like dry weather clouds but the weather forecast said no rain, so that had to be right. Right??? We got sprinkled on during the first part of the ride, but nothing major, so went out to the long climb that was the cornerstone of the ride and climbed for five miles or so, which was truly amazing. I would have loved to do more, but needed to turn around to get all my luggage to UPS by 1. 

I flipped and started descending. It felt weird, I was having to ride in the little (easy) ring pedaling downhill because the headwind was so wildly strong. And then it started to rain. Not to sprinkle, but rain HARD. With the headwind, it felt like hail in the face. On this day that was supposed to be dry #MurphysLaw. 

I made it back to the condo, soaked and freezing, trembling and unable to feel my extremities. I ran around a bit and took a hot shower to warm up, also because I was covered in mud from riding in the weather, and then scurried to get all my heavy bags into the car to trek over to UPS:

That’s my bike in the back seat. Thank goodness for a full-sized car! 

I arrived just before 1 and unloaded all my goods. The older lady working at the UPS store started scanning my bags and taking them to the back. And then she picked up the Kickr. And promptly dropped it on my foot and told me that my stuff was too heavy and I’d need to the carry it to the pick-up location myself. Tell me about it, lady, I’ve been dragging these bags around for weeks! And BTW she also let me know that since we were shipping ground, I didn’t actually have to drop the bags by 1 PM because that was only for air, my bags would be picked up on Monday. Okay cool, glad I rushed around for that. 

I was happy to spend the rest of the day relaxing and enjoying some wine and a final toast with Carry and Kathy. 

Trains

Sunday was mostly as expected. Riding that bike again, with no rain this time! And then cleaning the remnants of that rainy ride off the bike and out of the car to return both. 

I dropped off the car and was trying to rearrange my luggage for the flight into just four bags (check two, carry two) but was unsuccesful. Though I did manage to get down to five! I also hadn’t been able to shower yet, so I was gross and dirty and hungry. The fellas at the rental car place let me know they could drop me at BART when I returned the car, but Enterprise was closed that day. Huh?? So I called a Lyft to carry me and my five heavy bags to BART:

Where was I headed? Good question! My dear friend Melissa from ATL was in San Francisco for work and had arrived a day early so that we could hang out, so I was en route to say with her in the city and enjoy some quality time. 

I made it to the BART stop nearest her hotel with alllll five of my heavy bags in tow, hanging off my person. I disembarked the train and started up the crowded escalator. The moving stair hit my roller bag sending it sideways, and I was struggling to regain control. The bag touched the lady in front of my on the escalator who then proceeded to make a bitc#y comment to my dirty, hangry, frustrated, stressed out self. This may or may not have escalated into a shouting match that turned heads in the middle of the BART station, between two ladies whose hands were full of bags or boxes and were most likely angry at their situations more than anything else. At any rate, that was the pinnacle - or low point - of the whole situation. I hope. 

Planes

I’m not done yet. I have a full day of flying OAK -> SLC -> DTW -> MDC. And then later to actually get to Austin. Almost done!