#there was still ALLLLL this baggage^^ to work through for BOTH of them

[mittensmorgul]

Survival of the Fittest rewatch airs today. I have still never forgiven Sera Gamble for putting the words in Dean's mouth that no one cares that Cas is broken. :) I don't care how frustrated Dean was, no wonder Cas doubts where he stands with the Winchesters. I always imagine Cas remembers all of the times Dean made those comments like being called junkless sissy. This is not really a serious complaint, just sharing an observation that Ritchie was right, "Words hurt, Winchester." :) :)

Ooh, if we’re bringing Richie the Incompetent Hunter from 3.04 into things, let’s remember the context in which we’re quoting, because that’s key here:

RICHIE: Oh, man. You should have seen the rack on this broad. Freakin’ tragedy when I had to gank her.DEAN: Whoa, whoa. Wait. Who killed her? If I remember, your ass was toast until I showed up.RICHIE: Oh, I forgot what a comedian this guy was.DEAN: Richie, Richie, know what? I told you then and I’ll tell you again — you’re not cut out for this job. You’re gonna get yourself killed.(RICHIE’s phone rings)RICHIE: (to caller) : Talk to me.(to DEAN): FYI, Winchester — words hurt. (to caller): Yeah? (pause) No, it’s not a good time, babe. Later.DEAN: So you find anything in this town, anyway?RICHIE: Ah, no. I got nothing. Oh, wait a minute. You mean as in demons and whatnot?DEAN: Yeah.RICHIE: No, I got nothing.

There’s the quote in context. We’ve just met Richie, completely distracted by his “sister,” who is clearly a hooker, in a town that’s supposedly overrun with demons that he was theoretically hunting. His first story up there makes us wonder if he’d really had things under control on that previous hunt, but combined with his comment about the physical distraction the succubus provided and the fact that he also has NOTHING on the demons in town but is distracted so easily with the, uh… local entertainment… and the serious way Dean delivered his line about him not being cut out for this job, AND the fact that Dean was right and he DID end up getting himself killed… well… 

There’s also the joking bantering way he delivered that line to Dean about words hurting while he was talking on the phone with yet another woman he was hooking up with… I mean… Dean wasn’t trying to be hurtful, and Richie wasn’t actually hurt by his words. He was trying to be honest. Richie didn’t take his advice, and Dean ended up having to bury him. So take the quote in context.

Just like the quote about 7.23:

CASTIEL: I can’t help. You understand? I can’t. I destroyed… everything, and I will destroy everything again. Can we please just leave it at that?DEAN: No. [He gets up.] No, we can’t.SAM: Dean…DEAN: We can’t leave it. You let these friggin’ things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. You don’t get a damned cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess!

Out of context, it sounds awful. But look back at ALL of s7 (and really most of s6 too). What’s the advice that Dean himself got from Frank, and from Bobby, and from Eliot freaking Ness, and pretty much everyone else all season long?

That his personal problems aren’t as important as getting the job done. Paste on a smile and decide to keep doing the job or just give it up. That there was no time for wallowing in his own depression:

Eliot: Boo hoo, cry me a river, ya nancy! Tell me, are all hunters as soft as you in the future?

AND AS AWFUL AS IT WAS, IT KEPT HIM GOING UNTIL THINGS STARTED TO TURN HIS WAY AGAIN.

This… wasn’t a one-off pissy comment from Dean to Cas. Because why had Dean needed to suffer through pretty much everything he did in s7 until Cas came back? Bobby laid it out in 7.02:

Bobby: Course. You just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brother’s in the bell jar, and purgatory’s most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but you know, yeah, I get it. You’re fine.

But what was the DIRECT CAUSE of all of this? Cas’s actions in s6. This is why he had such a hard time forgiving Cas at first (which he talked about with Emmanuel in 7.17, before he actually DID extend the olive branch and essentially INSTANTLY forgave Cas for EVERYTHING). But as long as Cas was alive, and there, they could fix things. There was still hope that everything could be made right again.

In 7.21 when Cas first woke up, Dean let himself hope (despite Meg’s warning that he wasn’t quite the same) that Cas would progressively “get better,” because no matter how bad things sometimes got, Cas was still his friend, and still someone he relied on, put his faith in, because Cas had always come back to him… I mean, in the “Playing Sorry” scene, the nature of the board game and the moves they make essentially define the dynamic Dean’s struggling with here.

Dean plays first, and starts talking with Cas, but Cas refuses to engage with his questions at all. Instead he talks about something else entirely at the same time playing the game and knocking Dean’s piece back to the start. But Dean knows that Cas has information that can help begin to put this entire mess to rights. They literally have a tablet in their hands that may hold all the answers, and Cas is ALIVE and AWAKE, and he remembers EVERYTHING… and yet he doesn’t even seem to care ABOUT DEAN AT ALL. One of the things Cas can’t engage with due to his sense of abject guilt over IS DEAN. And what he did to Dean at the end of s6 and in 7.01. In his present state, Cas can’t see any way through to redeeming himself to Dean (which was ALL he wanted in 7.01 before the Leviathans took over).

But all season long, Dean’s been fighting mostly alone (or at least that’s how it felt to him) to try and clean up this mess that he’d tried to stop Cas from making in the first place. And goddammit, take ALL of that, Dean’s frustration from s6 and his desperation and loss throughout s7, mix it in a huge pot and serve it up when he’s so close to the finish line of saving the entire planet, knowing Cas holds the final key to taking Dick down… 

And he knows that CAS knows this. Dean’s spent three episodes trying to be understanding, trying to coddle Cas along, hoping HIS Cas that he knows is still in there somewhere, the one whose dying promise in 7.01 had been to redeem himself to Dean, the one who remembered everything and saved Sam in 7.17, the one Dean told they COULD fix it all if they worked together, the one who cares about humanity so much he stood alone against Heaven to save it.

The one Hester accused DEAN of having broken in the first place in 7.21:

DEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back off. We’re actually trying to clean up one of your angel’s messes! You know that.CASTIEL: He’s right. An angel brought the Leviathan back into this world, and – and they begged him. They begged him not to do it.DEAN: Look, just give us some time, okay? We will take care of your Prophet.HESTER: Why should we give you anything… After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you corrupts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost! For that, you’re going to pay.HESTER walks towards DEAN.CASTIEL: Please. They’re the ones we were put here to protect.HESTER: No, Castiel.HESTER backhands CASTIEL and he falls to the ground. INAIS and the other MALE ANGEL each hold up two fingers to stop DEAN and SAM from going to CASTIEL’s aid.HESTER: No more madness! [She punches CASTIEL.] No more promises! [She punches CASTIEL again.] No more new Gods! [She punches CASTIEL repeatedly and then holds up an angel knife.]

SHE DIRECTLY BLAMES CAS’S FRIENDSHIP WITH DEAN FOR EVERYTHING. “The very touch of you corrupts.”

Meanwhile, Cas is unable to even talk about his own actions in the first person. He’s doing everything he can to distance himself from his guilt. It’s the only way he’s able to engage with everything he’s feeling guilty about. And now Dean’s just got one more item on his checklist of things to feel like shit about– ruining an angel of the Lord– and not even through his actions or words or deeds, but by the simple fact of his existence. He’s poison.

Yet… he’s still fighting. He’s still swinging, until he just can’t anymore. And some combination of desperation over all of this, after a season where he seriously contemplated just giving up so many times, where he cared so little about himself or the fight or just… anything… Cas’s current state is just the last straw.

Look at what Dean tells Kevin in 7.21 about being “chosen”:

DEAN: Oh, I don’t know, man. What can I say? You’ve been chosen. And it sucks. Believe me. There’s no use asking “why me?” ‘Cause the angels – they don’t care. I think maybe they just don’t have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just… breaks them apart.

THAT line always breaks my heart. Because it’s ABOUT CAS. And Dean’s guilt over what’s happened to Cas. HE feels like it’s entirely his fault that Cas is broken apart now.

Cas had done all of this to protect Dean. ALL of it. Including sacrificing himself to heal Sam in 7.17, which directly resulted in his current state.

And back to 7.23, Cas drops the bombshell on them that the entire garrison of angels is dead or in hiding– including the ones who’d been guarding Kevin Tran– and then veers off topic to talk about monkeys because he doesn’t want to get involved, he doesn’t want to fight, and he certainly doesn’t want to feel his personal guilt for yet another loss (of both the angels from his garrison AND the prophet).

This is also the first time that Dean tells Cas they don’t want him to fight, they’re just worried, and they need the information he has about Kevin in order to try and save him:

CASTIEL: I don’t want to fight.DEAN: No, I’m not – [very calmly] we’re worried.CASTIEL: They took him. He’s alive. I felt such responsibility, but it’s in your hands now.DEAN: Wait. Hold on a freakin’ minute.CASTIEL: I feel much better.

It’s in your hands now. As if that just absolved him of all that responsibility.

And that’s… just not how any of this works.

Plus, after what Crowley said:

CROWLEY: Certainly. Oh, bonus. Meg, I’m gonna scoop you up, take you home, and roast you till you’re jerky. [CASTIEL starts to move towards CROWLEY.] But not… yet. Cas can have you for now. Hilariously, it seems he’d be upset at losing you. And the boys need Cas to get Dick. Don’t they, Cas?CASTIEL: Oh, I – I don’t fight anymore.CROWLEY: Come on. Given the particulars of your enemy, sadly, you’re vital.

CAS IS VITAL. They’d can’t get Dick without him. And from Cas’s reaction to Crowley’s assertion there? Cas knows it. He goes so far to avoid that truth as to make the Solidarity Sandwiches in order to dodge his responsibility AGAIN. Because again, he can’t look them in the eyes when he says it:

SAM: And Cas, why was Crowley so certain that you need to come with us?CASTIEL: Crowley’s wrong. I’ll be waiting right here. But please – accept this sandwich as a gesture of solidarity.

When Sam and Dean show up at Sucrocorp the first time, they discover there are MULTIPLE Leviathans who ALL look like Dick. Their weapon only works once, so they can’t afford to bone the WRONG Dick, and they understand. Cas is the only one who can tell them which is the Real Dick. This is why they need Cas. And CAS KNOWS THIS. Yet he deflects AGAIN.

But WHY is he deflecting? Because just like Dean, who’s believed he was “poison,” and has been reminded of it very recently, Cas believes the same of HIMSELF. This is right in Dean’s personal wheelhouse. DEAN GETS IT. But he’s really got a limited set of tools in his personal emotional tool box for coping with that feeling he knows so well… 

This is also where they finally catch up with Bobby, and finally burn the flask keeping his ghost tethered to the planet, and Cas stands in the shadows witnessing Sam and Dean’s loss (that he also feels responsible for) of the closest thing to a father they had. He begins to realize that Dean and he are of a similar mind here…

CASTIEL: I’m not good luck, Dean.DEAN: Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you’re the only guy left on the bench… Sorry, but I’d rather have you, cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, all right? We’re all cursed. I seem like good luck to you? [CASTIEL stares at DEAN.] What?CASTIEL: Well, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.DEAN: Yeah, well, I’m probably gonna die tomorrow, so���CASTIEL: Well, I’ll go with you. And I’ll do my best.

And despite Cas still not being able to forgive HIMSELF, he sees that Dean can’t really forgive himself either… yet they’re both able to forgive each other. It’s a start.

This story isn’t about just one or the other of them. It’s about BOTH of them, feeling the same weight of guilt and failure and loss. It doesn’t work unless you see that from both sides, in context of the gravity of the entire story, and what circumstance has taken from BOTH of them.

Which is why they BOTH ended up in Purgatory.

It’s not Dean “being mean” to Cas. And that one comment that Cas completely understood in context– he KNEW he was actively dodging his responsibility. Which is why I feel really uncomfortable labeling this incarnation of Cas “crazy.” Because he’s not. He’s in abject denial, but he isn’t crazy. The moment they land in Purgatory, he makes sure Dean knows what’s happened and where they are, and then takes off running to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Perfectly lucid, perfectly aware, and doing the only penance he has left to him– protecting Dean by sacrificing himself.

Which is honestly how we got into this whole mess in the first place. It’s not DEAN’s words that drove him to this point. It’s just what angels DO.

Remember, Cas has been a warrior of Heaven for billions of years, reprogrammed at need to follow orders. His entire existence had been nothing but THIS. His notion of “family” in Heaven was an understanding that he had a purpose and a job and a place because of what he DID, not just because of who he WAS. It’s not even something Cas could truly understand yet– what family means to humans as opposed to what it means to angels.

Cas judged his personal worth on how useful he could be, not on the fact that he was someone Dean just cared about REGARDLESS of how useful he could be to them. Sure, in this case Cas was instrumental in fixing things, but no matter how many times Dean has told him he’s family, that they work better together, Cas still doesn’t have a human frame of reference to understand what that means. He will soon enough… *waves at s9 in the distance*

And wow, okay, I just spent nearly 4 hours on this. Wow. But this is important, this is everything, because this right here is the absolute Stone Number One in the foundation of ALL of Dean and Cas’s future relationship. This guilt on BOTH sides, for very different reasons. This feeling that they’re both poison. That they corrupt everything they touch… THIS pushed BOTH of them to find forgiveness in themselves through finding forgiveness in each other. I mean… without this there would BE NO DESTIEL. I mean… that’s the big picture here.

[thejerkstorecalled]

The Final Sprint: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Whew, it’s been a CRAZY six weeks! And got down to crunch time: shipping my goods, selling the convertible (thank you, Jesus) and flying away from the Bay. 

Naturally, Murphy’s Law ran it’s course and nearly everything that could go wrong did. 

I packed up alllll the things for LuggageFoward to ship via UPS:

BTW the fan was *not* being shipped, that went to the trash pile, but I did have the pleasure of carring that silly fan all around San Francisco, Napa, Sonoma and Livermore so that I could exercise with a cool breeze #priorities

Luggage included: 2 bike bags (one w the frame, one w the wheels), a 50 lb Wahoo Kickr, a roller bag, a large back pack. 

UPS was scheduled to come pick up the luggage between 3 and 7 PM on Friday, and I was ready for them and looking forward to literally dumping some heavy baggage. 

Automobiles

I had some work to blow through in the morning and a press interview at noon, so decided if I left at 1 PM to get Michael’s car appraised at Carmax ahead of selling it to them on Sunday and also pick up the bike I was renting to ride all weekend that I’d surely be back by 3. Right? Right????!!!!

As evidenced from earlier posts, Michael’s car is a tiny convertible that I’ve been constantly tetris-ing all my s#it into for the last six weeks. On top of that, the radio hasn’t worked in approximately two years. The windows don’t align fully to the car when rolled up, so they create a wind tunnel unless you roll them down and then back up every time you get into the car. But they have to go all the way down before they go back up again. And most recently, I discovered that the roof leaks on both the passenger and driver side. Have I mentioned that we’ve been having apocolyptic rain lately in the Bay Area? So to say that I have a hate-hate relationship with that car might be an understatement. 

I took the car to Carmax, and the staff was friendly and quickly started on the appraisal that should only take 30 minutes which generally involves testing all the features and taking it for a short spin to identify any issues. Since said car is a convertible, they also tested the top, letting it down and then back u..... Oh wait, it’s STUCK! Yeah, the convertible top got stuck going back on and then wouldn’t go in either direction. The car looked like a giant UFO and not something that I could drive around with more rain inevitable over my final two days. And I was on a time crunch! So they generated the appraisal and confirmed I could come back before 9 that night to finalize the check and fortunately we only lost out on $500 - 1000 with that issue. But what was I going to drive and how was I going to get this bike???

The Carmax people (they were all really awesome) drove me to the Enterprise that was serendipitously right next to the bike shop to rent a car for the next two days. Clearly I needed something full sized ‘cause I still had a lot of stuff. In what was probably the best thing that’s happened to me through this whole scenario, I got a free upgrade, though it was a bit lost on me bc I didn’t know what to do with all the extra buttons and there did not appear to be any bun warmers (the only feature that really matters):

I then popped over to the bike shop and grabbed the bike and took it apart enough to fit it into the back. Thank goodness for black leather vs chain grease. 

I had ten minutes to get “home” before my 3 PM window started and naturally Friday traffic was a nightmare in full force. I arrived back to my friend’s condo - where I’d been staying most recently - at 3:30/3:40 but there was not sign on the door that UPS had missed me and by calling LuggageForward, Michael and I determined that I had not missed the driver and they hadn’t yet been to pick up the goods.

Now to get back to work and wrap up things, and also I was STARVING. My day had started with a 4,300 yard swim and in all the chaos I hadn’t had time to eat lunch and really hadn’t eaten much at all on the day. This was a good time to test out DoorDash. I was debating between a veggie burger and burrito/enchilada, but ultimatley opted for Mexican. It took just about 30 minutes and the delivery fee was surprisingly not outrageous and the food was in good condition. I would definitely recommend this service and use it again. 

6:55 rolls around and no UPS, so I start to get concerned. I call and they report that the driver made an attempt but didn’t have the condo flat # in his log, just the street address. So why didn’t he call???? I waited until 7:30 to hear back from the flurry of customer service phone calls which seemed to have ceased, and then headed to Carmax to wrap up that ordeal. About ten minutes into the trip, UPS calls to tell me the driver just made his last stop and will come back by, so I told them I was out but close and did a u-turn to head home. I get back home and wait. and wait. and make more customer service phone calls. The UPS driver noted in his log that he waited for 15 minutes, though I know he did not because it overlaps with the time I was at the condo... The “resolution” was that I would need to drop off my luggage at a UPS store by 1PM the next day. So it’s a good thing I got a full-sized rental car!

To cap off an exhausting Friday, I went back to Carmax and wrapped up everything with the sale of the car and got to sleep for my last ride with my Saturday cycling crew. For a change, the weather looked favorable and I was excited to pedal outside on a road bike, evidently my current anxiety about riding outside is exclusive to tri bikes?

I woke up on Saturday and rode to meet my crew. I noticed that the clouds didn’t look like dry weather clouds but the weather forecast said no rain, so that had to be right. Right??? We got sprinkled on during the first part of the ride, but nothing major, so went out to the long climb that was the cornerstone of the ride and climbed for five miles or so, which was truly amazing. I would have loved to do more, but needed to turn around to get all my luggage to UPS by 1. 

I flipped and started descending. It felt weird, I was having to ride in the little (easy) ring pedaling downhill because the headwind was so wildly strong. And then it started to rain. Not to sprinkle, but rain HARD. With the headwind, it felt like hail in the face. On this day that was supposed to be dry #MurphysLaw. 

I made it back to the condo, soaked and freezing, trembling and unable to feel my extremities. I ran around a bit and took a hot shower to warm up, also because I was covered in mud from riding in the weather, and then scurried to get all my heavy bags into the car to trek over to UPS:

That’s my bike in the back seat. Thank goodness for a full-sized car! 

I arrived just before 1 and unloaded all my goods. The older lady working at the UPS store started scanning my bags and taking them to the back. And then she picked up the Kickr. And promptly dropped it on my foot and told me that my stuff was too heavy and I’d need to the carry it to the pick-up location myself. Tell me about it, lady, I’ve been dragging these bags around for weeks! And BTW she also let me know that since we were shipping ground, I didn’t actually have to drop the bags by 1 PM because that was only for air, my bags would be picked up on Monday. Okay cool, glad I rushed around for that. 

I was happy to spend the rest of the day relaxing and enjoying some wine and a final toast with Carry and Kathy. 

Trains

Sunday was mostly as expected. Riding that bike again, with no rain this time! And then cleaning the remnants of that rainy ride off the bike and out of the car to return both. 

I dropped off the car and was trying to rearrange my luggage for the flight into just four bags (check two, carry two) but was unsuccesful. Though I did manage to get down to five! I also hadn’t been able to shower yet, so I was gross and dirty and hungry. The fellas at the rental car place let me know they could drop me at BART when I returned the car, but Enterprise was closed that day. Huh?? So I called a Lyft to carry me and my five heavy bags to BART:

Where was I headed? Good question! My dear friend Melissa from ATL was in San Francisco for work and had arrived a day early so that we could hang out, so I was en route to say with her in the city and enjoy some quality time. 

I made it to the BART stop nearest her hotel with alllll five of my heavy bags in tow, hanging off my person. I disembarked the train and started up the crowded escalator. The moving stair hit my roller bag sending it sideways, and I was struggling to regain control. The bag touched the lady in front of my on the escalator who then proceeded to make a bitc#y comment to my dirty, hangry, frustrated, stressed out self. This may or may not have escalated into a shouting match that turned heads in the middle of the BART station, between two ladies whose hands were full of bags or boxes and were most likely angry at their situations more than anything else. At any rate, that was the pinnacle - or low point - of the whole situation. I hope. 

Planes

I’m not done yet. I have a full day of flying OAK -> SLC -> DTW -> MDC. And then later to actually get to Austin. Almost done!