#and I gotta tackle my health and mental issues

[say-hi-intrepid-heroes]

i just gotta say, dimension 20 has truly tackled so many issues, traumas, lgbtq+ stuff, mental health stuff, family shit, etc etc

but it's truly so difficult to cover the topic of extended su*cidal ideations when you're playing a dnd character. the mechanics just make it really difficult, either because role playing-wise it sucks to have one person who tries to die every battle, or because most people won't try to improve their adventuring stuff if they're at that mental health point. moments can be done, but extended character stuff is just so tricky to do in dnd.

and brennan just did it so well. as someone who has dealt with this stuff at varying degrees over my life, his stuff with Tula tore my heart out. not just in the worst of it, but in the healing, in the finding peace, in the finding a way to want to live because you WANT to not because you HAVE to.

i just think he did a really good job and deserves to be appreciated.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

“But dissent must never lead to disorder.”

I have too much on my plate right now. Of all the systemic failures that are eating my brain, among them deficiencies in healthcare; deficiencies in the language we use to talk about systemic racism, white privilege, and proximity to whiteness; lack of community, and all the other reasons people don't hear and respond to cries for help with actual help, this is the only one I can muster the energy to express, because it's so simple. I don't even know if it will make me feel better, but I want to SAY it.

This is not how dissent works. If you apply this rule to dissent, you are headed for a dictatorship with no brakes. If you already know that and don't need anyone to unpack it for you, you've identified the problem and you can stop reading right now. For your mental health purposes, please do.

This playbook is older than I am, and someone had a few things to say about in during the "disorder" caused by students agitating for Black rights and an end to the Vietnam War.

Internet Archive isn't exactly stable and I've had some issues getting it to load, but you should be able to find this somewhere for free. It's dated in a lot of places, but we knew. There's the evidence. We've known a long time. We decide the "disorder" was OK after the fact, as indeed we have about Vietnam and Civil Rights. But it sure wasn't OK when it was happening! We needed a Law And Order President to crack down and fix that!

We have such a person in office now, and, barring a total collapse, such a person will be in office after the election. Both candidates want to continue the genocide and both candidates want to silence the protests. Both candidates are subverting the democratic process to get into office, don't ignore the primary shenanigans and lack of choice the DNC is offering us. Both candidates are incompetent and I don't want either of them drooling on the nuclear button, but Biden has competent help, for the moment. He's actually in office, and he can actually do things. He has chosen to stake out a rhetorical middle-ground, while continuing the genocide and letting states tackle the student protests however they want - so far, that means arrests and injuries, and we'll have to wait and see if anyone gets shot.

Trump is SAYING he wants to crack down EVEN HARDER, on EVERYTHING, but your guess is as good as mine whether he'd actually pull it off. If we're caving to the idea that the protests must stop because they're too disorderly, though, that's fine. Why would that not be fine? We're just talking about the matter of degree and how much of a priority "restoring order" is. If the dissent continues (and if the genocide, and the horrors coming out of it continue, why wouldn't the dissent?), more and more people are going to be willing to throw in their lot with whoever they think will make it stop.

We're already killing lots of people for the sake or "order," at home and abroad. It's usually quieter, due to distance and method. Another trans child taking themself out of the equation is almost silent, and easily dismissed as some kind of unfixable personal problem, not a societal issue. And kids in Gaza? Well, we only see 'em in pictures. We don't hafta look. Gunning down college students on American soil is a lot scarier, that looks way more disorderly, that's harder for us to deal with. We prefer not to, but we're willing to do it. We have been and still are, that's part of our national identity, whether you want it or not. You dissent, we kill you for being "disorderly." And maybe we apologize later and give you a national holiday or something, way later. (Have a fun time admiring what's left of the Indigenous cultures that we're still trying to wipe out on this year's Indigenous People's Day!)

If dissent must never lead to disorder, we gotta give back BLM, right away. (And, conservatives, say bye-bye to January 6th and Charlottesville, and Ruby Ridge and whatever else you wanna call "patriotism" or "not as bad.") The Civil Rights movement goes back, too, with MLK and Malcom X together. And there goes Stonewall! Kent State? Justified! Armed Indigenous resistance to their own genocide? Inexcusable! (Same for Palestinian resistance and, indeed, the Jewish Resistance to the Holocaust. If you really wanted to be saved, you'd be better victims.) The Civil War? Well, the South isn't allowed to push back against the President, but neither is the North allowed to invade and infringe on states' rights. Call it a wash! And Dred Scott? Good call! You can't just be escaping from slavery all willy-nilly when it's the LAW. How 'bout that American Revolution? Oooh, yeah. Bad idea. Dredge the tea out of Boston Harbor and get right with King Charles, you freeloaders GOTTA pay your taxes, representation or no! Apologize and dissent better next time!

Ha-ha, of course, this is my autism talking. You don't mean that literally. You don't mean "never," Joe. I'm pickin up what you're layin down! You mean "not when it's inconvenient, and I get to pick."

And that's why we need to preserve the ability to dissent. (Even for the assholes who want to kill me - although I would like their ability to dissent to stop somewhat short of killing me, if we can manage that. I need to be alive to retain my ability to dissent!) If "disorder" is an arbitrary decision for the guys in charge to make, there is no check on their power. They crush what irritates them, and they may continue crushing it as long as they're able to stay on top.

Dictatorship is a fistful of M&Ms and Biden and Trump are two dogs sniffing around to see if they can snork some up when you're not looking. Biden is being a lot quieter about it, while Trump is howling and shitting and distracting. But we don't want either of them to eat the M&Ms! That's not good for them or for any of us!

Autocracy can look very, very orderly on the surface. And, in any case, it is very convenient for everyone not being crushed by it. They can just go on about their lives, knowing the tough decisions are being made for them and any voices trying to get them to think about that will be silenced. Some folks are up for it, as long as they're not the ones on the bottom. But for everyone else, dying for the convenience of others is disorderly AF.

Genocide is disorder. Saying "stop" is basic human decency. It's not stopping, so the message is going to get louder and more chaotic and more damaging, but that's not on the messengers. They can't fight fair. The people in power certainly aren't fighting fair, and they have a lot more weapons at their disposal. Don't give them more. Don't buy that everything's fine and you can quiet down and go on about your business. Don't simplify by designating a good guy and backing whatever he wants to do against the bad guy. When something is wrong, don't ask permission, SAY SO LIKE YOU MEAN IT. If you're going to wait for someone in power to tell you it's okay to push back... they never will.

[lyricspice]

Seasonal Mental Issues are funny.

You would think when things get cold and dark that people will become sad or symptoms become noticable.

Not the case for me, living in tropical climate the summers make me both physically and mentally sick.

Now that the holidays are coming up and the weather is chilling out, I am starting to feel better than I did in the summer.

Mental health fluctuates like that.

You gotta track your ups and downs as best you can to figure out when you'll need to be more compassion to yourself.

Despite feeling better, I know I am still unwell.

This would be an opportunity to try and tackle difficult things, but I am instead going to use the energy I have now to try and enjoy the holidays.

It's early, but my new year's resolutions is to continue living, to make it to 25 years old.

This has been my resolution for the past 5 years.

If you don't have a resolution yet, then I recommend having one similar to mine.

Each year (despite the world events), it will get easier to keep going because being alive is a win. Feeling good about a "win" will lead to more good things.

Experiencing things that make you feel good will always be a win.

[abracafockyou-archived]

Hewwo, just popping in for a bit to say I’m putting this blog on an official hiatus.

I’m in the process of recovery from a long term condition (I have no idea if I’ve talked about it here, so if you want to actually know, you can ask. I’ve spoken about it on other blogs for certain) and it takes a lot out of me mentally and physically.

I think it’s only fair to me to take care of myself and come on here to goof around only when I know it won’t inhibit my health. Mutuals are free to ask for my discord and my IM’s will remain open. 

Cheers, and I wuv you all!

[thestarrynightslover]

It’s Hard Sometimes

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Word count: 2,975

Warnings: Yelling, arguing (gets a little physical, really just a little bit!), high risk-pregnancy, slight mentions of fertility issues, mentions of anxiety and overthinking, and a lot of angst.

Summary: Jay and the reader are married, but start having a hard time after they found out that (y/n) is pregnant. 

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the One Chicago shows, or its characters, also not associated with it in any way or know anyone involved with it.

A/N: I made this piece of almost pure angst mostly because I feel like Jay is such a well-built character, who gives us a lot of space to talk about mental health and anxiety (even though I don’t think I developed it very well, lol), so I wanted to use this space to try and add to the conversation with him. Anyways, I hope it doesn’t suck too bad and, please, feel free to give me feedback, cause I’m also here to learn!!

(y/n) = (your name) (y/l/n) = (your last name) (y/n/n) = (your nickname)

| masterlist |

Your Saturday morning just couldn’t get any worse. 

Or, at least, that’s what you thought after having been mugged at the subway and then asked to go pick up your stuff at the 21st District, where your husband works. You had to go in because they had apprehended your bag as stolen property. But you were hoping that,  maybe, you’d be able to sort it all out without Jay seeing you. 

“(y/n), hi! Here to see Chuckles? Cause they’re all out working on a case now.” Trudy said with a small smile on her lips, while you just prayed she wouldn’t notice how relieved you were to hear that.

“No, uh, I’m actually here because there was an incident at the subway and the responding officers told me I had to come in to get my bag back. Also, sign something, I think…” You answered shrugging your shoulders to make it seem like nothing. But, of course, Trudy knew better, she always does.

“Oh my God! I heard about that, just didn’t know you were one of the victims! Are you okay? García, go get (y/n) a glass of water!!!” She quickly shouted at the young officer, not waiting long to turn back to face you with a concerned glare: “Can I get you anything else?”

“Oh, no, Trudy! You don’t need to worry about me! It wasn’t a big deal!” You said, also noticing that she was already going through some evidence bags, looking for the one that contained your things. “But there is one thing that I’d appreciate from you…” Hearing that, she didn’t even let you finish:

“Yes, of course! Anything, just name it!” At that, you shot her your brightest smile. Maybe Jay was right and the tough Sergeant Trudy Platt did have a soft spot for you. 

“Well, it’s just that… You know how Jay can get, so maybe you could not mention any of this to him? I just don’t want him worrying, the way I know he will, over something like this…” You would’ve continued but Trudy had the weirdest look on her face and, then, you got it. “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?” She didn’t bother to answer as your husband turned you to face him and the other members of the Intelligence Unit.

“So, what is it you don’t want me to worry about, huh?” He had a playful smirk on his lips, but his eyes showed you he was already worried. And now you had no other option but to tell him what happened.

“Well, um, there was a little confusion at the subway today and the officers said I had to come in…” You would gladly stop at that, but you knew that Jay wasn’t gonna let it go until you told him everything, so you just went on: “To retrieve what I, um, lost.” God, you couldn’t even look in his eyes right now. 

“What you lost? What kind of confusion are you talking about exactly, babe?” In spite of the pet name, his voice was already showing off a bit of irritation.

“It was a, um, robbery,” at that his eyes almost jumped out of their orbits, so you quickly added, “but it wasn’t a big deal! Nobody got hurt! The officers tackled the guy pretty fast, as soon as he stepped out on the station! And everything is here,” you said raising the bag  Trudy handed you a few minutes earlier, “so, really, there’s nothing to worry about!” You told him, not being able to conceal the exasperation in your voice.

“Nothing to worry about? You just got mugged, (y/n)! We heard a call about that over the radio, it was an armed robbery! Or did you happen to miss the gun on your face when he was getting your bag, huh?” He asked and, even though you knew that the only reason why he was lashing out like that was the concern, the way he said what he said made you feel really small and brought tears to your eyes. “Actually, what I’d like to know, to begin with, is why were you even riding the subway alone, after our talk from the other day, huh?” You could feel the eyes from every person in that District on you and, as much as you knew where Jay was coming from, it was starting to really bother you.

“I was just going to the library. Sorry I didn’t think I needed an escort to do that!” You wish you wouldn’t have said it with those exact words, but you were reaching your limit.

“But we talked about it!” He snapped and you jumped back a little. Then he added, more calmly: “You should have called me.” He was pinching the bridge of his nose, like he always did when he was disappointed and upset about something, and you just felt yourself getting smaller and smaller, as the tears started falling. As if all of it hadn’t been enough, he asked: “Are you okay, though? Because, you know, given our circumstances, you’re to avoid going out on your own to prevent this kinda stress from hitting you, babe.” He explained that to you like he was talking to a child. Like he was the only one who heard what the doctor said. And that was it for you. As much as you loved the man, you just didn't have infinite patience towards his overprotective dad-to-be mode. 

“Oh, really? Why don’t you just go ahead and say ‘I told you so’, huh? Because I can tell you’re dying to do it!” God damn those pregnancy hormones because you were fuming with anger and the tears just kept going down at full force.

“Babe, that’s not what I-”

“The hell it isn’t!” Part of you really wanted to let it all out. All the hurtful words that were just waiting for a go-ahead at the tip of your tongue. But the other part of you, the rational one, knew that wasn’t gonna do any good for you or Jay. Or your baby. So you decided you’d leave instead. “You know what? It’s probably best if I go home now!”

“Okay, then, I’ll drive you.” You heard Jay saying, with a deep sigh, but you couldn’t even begin to think about an entire drive home with him at that moment.

“No way! I can do that by myself! And don’t worry I’ll get a cab this time!” As you headed towards the exit, you felt a strong grip on your wrist. You turned around and it was Jay. He’d never done that before. “Jay, you’re hurting me!” You breathed out, trying not to be too nervous. When your eyes met his, he let your arm go quickly, looking absolutely stunned by his own behavior. 

You knew that the healthiest thing to do right then would be to try and talk to him about it, but you couldn’t. At that point you needed the space more than ever, so you took the opportunity to just leave the District and go home.

After you stormed out crying, every cop in that building laid their eyes on Jay. To say they were completely shocked by the previous scene was an understatement. Almost everyone there knew you and Jay and how you two were great together. But, more importantly, they knew Jay Halstead wasn’t that kinda guy ⎯ or at least they thought so ⎯ and now they were all wondering.

Still, Trudy Platt, who wasn’t about to have any more of that drama at her District, ordered loudly for everyone to get back to their tasks, while shooting Jay a worried look, because, as much as she knew for a fact that he wasn’t that kinda guy, she cared a lot about you and had, obviously, witnessed the whole thing. 

After the little gathering of cops had been dissolved, it was Voight’s turn to speak up: “Alright, Intelligence, let’s get back upstairs, we still have a lot of work to do on this case. And, Jay, you should go home now.” He said with a stern look, despite his concern for the detective.

“But, sarge, I-” Jay started to protest, like Hank knew he would.

“I don’t wanna hear it, Halstead. I know your head is not gonna be on the case until you fix whatever that was, so, now, the best thing you can do is just calm down and go home.” This time Jay knew there was no point in arguing, so he accepted the defeat and went upstairs to get changed in the locker room before leaving. 

As he got there, he saw his reflection in the mirror and that was when it hit him. All of it. From your incident to your tears, to his aggressiveness. He really messed up. He let his fears get the best of him and he hurt you, he made you cry, fear him, even. So he started crying himself, like a little child whose favorite toy had just broken, like there was no tomorrow. By the time Voight went there to check up on Jay, maybe give him some advice, that’s what he saw: a grown man sitting on the floor crying his eyes out. So he did the one thing he could think about doing, to try and make that man he considered like a son feel better: he sat there by Jay’s side and put a hand over the detective’s shoulder until the crying sufficed. 

“So, you and (y/n) been on the odds lately?” Hank asked after a while.

“No, uh, not really.” Jay started whilst sniffling. “It’s just that this week we got some news that messed with our emotions a little, but, Hank, I swear I have no idea why I did that! I would never do anything to hurt her, you gotta believe me! Please?” He pleaded, in desperation, for someone who knew it, who knew him.

“Jay, Jay!” By then the sergeant had to shout to get the frantic young man’s attention back. “Jay, I know you wouldn’t hurt her, you hear me? I know. I know you love her more than you love yourself, hell, everyone here knows it! They were just… A little surprised to see you two arguing, that’s all.” Hank tried to make it sound a lot less bad than it actually was, and Jay appreciated that. “Now, why don’t you tell me what’s really going on between you and (y/n), huh? Maybe I can help you somehow… Or maybe you just need to vent.” Hearing that, Jay decided that he should take Voight’s suggestion and just talk about it already.

“Well, here’s the thing, sarge, (y/n/n) and I, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while now. And, um, we were having a bit of a hard time with it. But then last weekend we found out that it worked, she got pregnant, and we were so happy about it!” He almost smiled at the memory. “But then we went to the doctor to check it and all that, and found out that it’s a high-risk pregnancy, meaning she’s gotta take it real easy from now on, otherwise the baby’s life and her own would be in danger! And I’m terrified ever since we left that hospital! Because the simplest thing could take her away from me! My everything, sarge, she is my entire world and I can’t live without her.” He said shaking his head in a way that made even Hank Voight feel a bit of sadness. “So when she said she’d been robbed at gunpoint… I just lost it, you know? What if I’d lost them?”

“Ah, Jay…” Hank knew exactly what the detective was scared of, after all, he had already lost a wife and a son. “Look, I know this can be hard, trust me. Camille and I had our issues before Justin came, as well… But you said it yourself, you’re both happy, aren’t you?” Jay didn’t even need to think before answering that question.

“Yes, of course, sarge! But-”

“No buts! Look, Jay, I know what a big heart you have and I know how much you care, how- how intensely you care, I know, okay? But sometimes, with things like this, you just gotta keep going and hope- just hope that everything is gonna work out. So here’s what you’re gonna do: go home, make up with your wife and start planning a nursery, or whatever else you, parents-to-be, have on your to-do lists these days.” At that, Jay chuckled a little, feeling grateful to have this second father to set him on straight.

“I know you’re right, and I really appreciate you saying this to me… I’m pretty sure that (y/n/n) said something among those lines after we got back from the doctor’s appointment too. The problem is that sometimes it seems like I can’t control my own thoughts. Then, next thing I know, I’m freaking out…” Hank thought that he sounded so frustrated saying that… He really felt for the kid.

“Listen, Jay, you- you just try, okay? You just try your best. And talk to (y/n/n) about it, just let her know what’s going on in there.” He pointed to Jay’s head, as they had already stood up.

“Alright, I will try. Thank you, sarge. Thank you so much, I really needed this.” They half-hugged and the detective went home to you.

The thing he wasn’t prepared for, at all, was finding you: the woman he loved more than anything and anyone in the entire world, sitting on the floor, leaning your back against the bed in the bedroom you two shared, crying and shaking. You were scared of him. That broke him in a way he never thought possible. He wanted to hurt himself, as punishment for hurting you, but he knew it wouldn’t be fair to you. So he gathered some courage to speak through his shame instead. “B- babe?”

You shivered, but you didn’t wanna be afraid of him. That was Jay. Your Jay. The man you loved. The man who loved you. You knew he would never hurt you or your baby. But your body didn’t seem to be listening to your brain. Still, you wanted to say something. But you couldn’t. You wouldn’t know what to say, so you just stayed silent, trying to stop the sobs. He decided to make a move: He sat down on the floor like you, but still giving you some space. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, almost whispering, “I’m so, so, so sorry. You don’t need to say anything, or to forgive me, or do anything, really. I came here willing to talk to you. To do anything to get you back. But now I see just how much I hurt you, so I’ll give you all the space and time you want.” You still couldn’t seem to find your words. It was that same man, you knew it. Why couldn’t you just tell him that? “I’ll sleep in the spare bedroom, or even go to Will’s if it makes you more comfortable?” Just by the sound of his voice, you could tell he meant it. And that was your Jay.

“No,” you spoke so lowly, that you weren’t even sure he’d heard it, “I want you to stay.” And you really did. But you needed to understand, in order to be able to forgive him. “Just- just tell me what happened there? Why?” You tried, a little louder this time.

“Long story short? I was scared to death.” He said with a long and heavy sigh, looking so much older than he’d ever done before; at the same time, you could see the bags under his eyes, from all those sleepless nights he’d been having lately.

“Scared? Because of the robbery? Baby, you’re a cop! You’ve heard of that kind of thing a million times before, and you know it’s not that big of a deal!" You tried to reason with him, even though you were afraid too, at the time.

“I know!” He said, in a tone that made you flinch a little and, then, more calmly: “Look, I know. And I know that you’ve been through tougher stuff. And that you can handle yourself. But that whole thing could’ve gone badly for you, for the baby, for us, in a thousand different ways. Besides, it’s not just that. Ever since we left that exam room, on Monday, I’ve been scared, worried. Because, according to the doctor, the tiniest problem could get you on edge. Because of the tiniest problem, I could lose you. I could lose everything, babe!” You could only stare at him in shock, after hearing that. Of course, you understood his concerns, but you had been so absorbed in your own fears, that you never thought about how much the whole situation was affecting him. Your formerly brave soldier, now tough detective, was also a very anxious man ⎯ who always overthought every single detail of everything when it came to you ⎯ and was, now, crying his eyes out, sobbing like a little kid by your side. So you did the one thing you thought could make him feel better: you pulled him closer to you, letting him break, into your chest, as he listened to your soothing heartbeat.

“It’s alright, my love, it’s alright. Shhh, I’m right here and I’m safe. We both are. You don’t need to be afraid, because we’re not going anywhere, baby.” You promised him with tears already pricking through your eyes, as well. 

And, like that, you two stayed, crying in each other’s arms, just holding each other. With a renewed hope that everything was gonna be okay.

[insignificant457]

Realizing I never revisited this, let’s see how I did:

Re: pax having the minds eye— technically still on the table for red god, although I do think it and the figment are two separate things now

Oculus a utopia outside color? Check. Mickey/volga/lyria/kavax involved? No. I give myself half credit

Diomedes and his pink lover working with the sons—Surprisingly only half right, considering how much this was taken as a given in the fandom. I did enjoy that diomedes was not on board at the beginning, I think it made for an interesting twist and set up a great character arc for him

Th pink is evey—Disproven unfortunately. Rip to a great fan theory you will be missed. aurae rocks tho love her

Lysander kills atalantia—still on the table for red god. Lysander sucks a fat one but I stand by what I said about him deserving to kill her. Death to groomers everywhere

Lysanders mommy issues—surprisingly little page time. Pierce decided to give the spotlight to all his other issues instead

Sevros brain scrambled—disproved! And the people cheered! Also I do not think he got brain diddled at all Do Not come at me with that sleeper agent shit

Big 5 death—yeah 😔 rip to my main man Cassius you will be missed (shout out to myself for checking the page count and accidentally spoiling myself for this literally the Moment I got the book. Nice going idiot)

Volga lyria lesbianism—I mean…disobeying the direct orders of the reaper himself to come find your girl best friend? Ripping out the hearts of 13 people but being ripped out of your homicidal brainwashing because of some puppy dog eyes? You tell me.

Mustang and darrow kept apart for another book? Check. Pierce wants us to suffer? CHECK

Victras mental health becoming a liability—right sentiment, wrong parent. Devastatingly little victra in this book honestly but every minute we did have with her was a joy. Sevro depression hours hurt but they were necessary

So no consequences of sefi having the dna specific poison? *throws phone on the ground and breaks skateboard*

The ascomanni give me the heebie jeebies—yeah, but shout out to that one who stood up to confront darrow then went “ashvar?” and sat back down. Love u

Rim politics make darrow want to pull his hair out—I’m gonna give myself this one, especially the meeting at the end with all the moon lords

Darrow Cassius side quest—omg so many. Truly what more could I ask for on the dassius front

The abomination running rampant on Luna in the background—nailed this one honestly. I think he’s mustangs source but what is that little freak up to? It’s not relevant now Virginias gotta dive tackle Apollonius in the tunnels

I am emotionally destroyed for 5-10 business days after finishing—yeah, although that’s a given with this series honestly

Assorted light bringer predictions, just to see how wrong I am later

Pax has the minds eye (or some version of it). He is simply Too Smart, and he fought the obsidians with his eyes closed just like Lysander does in the desert. The secret to the minds eye is probably in Octavias vault, which we know Virginia has access to, and this would fit with her saying she raised him to be as much an ally as a son

Alternatively: the minds eye is somehow related to the figment parasite. Either the parasite is attempting to recreate the minds eye, or Lysander has a parasite himself and doesn’t know it

Oculus is an attempt to create a utopia outside of color—this is where Mickey has been for the last two books, creating an entire new species. By the end of red god, volga, lyria, and kavax will rule over it, fulfilling this line of ozgards prophecy:

Diomedes and his pink lover are working with Cassius/the reformers/possible sons of ares remnant. Honestly this is so widely theorized that it almost feels like it’s already canon

Diomedes’ lover is Evey. I remember seeing a theory about this years ago, shortly after iron gold came out, but I don’t remember where anymore. It was very compelling and it wormed its way into my psyche like the figment forcing itself up lyrias nose.

Lysander kills atalantia for killing his parents. Yes I know he’s awful and he needs to lose, but everyone deserves to kill the person that groomed them as a child so he gets to have this one win as a treat

Related: lysanders mommy issues and oedipus complex continue to get an uncomfortable amount of page time

Sevro comes back with his brain all scrambled. Ideally, for comedy purposes, he comes back a total Normie, and everyone’s just like eww put him back and it causes zero conflict. More realistically, this is the most heart shattering thing to happen in the whole series and part of the reason people with arcs are crying

A Big 5 (Darrow, mustang, sevro, Cassius, victra) death. It’s a miracle these OGs have made it this far, one of them has to be toast. My money would be on Cassius or sevro. Could also be the reason people with arcs are crying.

Volga Lyria lesbianism

Mustang and Darrow are kept apart for ANOTHER book because Pierce hates us and wants us to suffer

Victras mental health is at an all time low (I’m worried about her, can she please have an easy time just this once?) and it becomes a liability

Volsung fa reaps the consequences of eating the heart of his daughter who was suffering from a dna specific poison and dies without Volga having to face him (pls? She’s too sweet don’t make her be in the same room as that freak)

Alternatively, volsung fa faces no consequences from the above and this is our clue that he’s not actually sefi and ragnars father and is in fact some carved monstrosity

The ascomanni continue to give me the heebie jeebies

Rim politics that make Darrow want to rip his hair out (I’m with you buddy)

Darrow Cassius side quest? Pls?

The abomination runs rampant on Luna but it’s like in the background? Mustangs like yeah we’ll get to it eventually there’s other shit happening

And lastly: I am emotionally destroyed for 5-10 business days after finishing

[tar-oh]

Pick a Pile: What You Need To Know

Well, this is my second time posting this because the first time was before I even got everything on the post. Apparently accidentally hitting enter means it will post it, which is something that took over a decade on tumblr for me to figure out lol. Sometimes tumblr’s formatting frustrates me to NO END!!! I’m going to keep this brief since it’s my second time trying to post this: This is a smaller PAP with 3 piles looking into what you need to know at the moment. I find these extremely helpful because not only do they bring to light things that might be overlooked otherwise, but they also help me get more into the groove of readings again.

I also need to post a small disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes. Not all of this is going to come true for everyone since it’s a general reading. Please take it with a grain of salt. If you do find that it resonates, I do readings starting at $6. DM if you’re interested. I also accept tips if you feel as though you want to (but they’re obviously not required). You can tip me here:  cashapp $sararms paypal: paypal.me/sararms So, for the 3 piles, I have 3 Sandra Bullock movie posters because why not?! Choose away:

Pile 1:

Cards: 7 of wands, the moon, 10 of wands, alter, rooted (reversed), intuition (reversed), conviction, seeing the best, divine timing, vitality, following your heart, self-love "You gonna cry about it or boss up?" "Look at the fuckin' moon!" "There are people who dislike you because you don't dislike yourself." I haven't even gotten to pile 3, but I keep wanting to call you pile 3, so I think maybe if you were torn between the two piles, I'd check that one out too because there might be something over there for you as well. This 7 of wands is interesting. She's sitting like she's meditating or something, and she's in a bubble. I think this is you, kind of doing your own thing, trying hard not to get distracted by external things. And, maybe you are being distracted really easily right now, and maybe the moon comes into this with you worrying that if you're distracted you're going to have more trouble (whatever that means for you), and it'll end up being the stress of having to carry all of those wands? But, this 10 of wands is always interesting to me too, because she's not carrying all of the wands. In fact, a few of them light the path up the hill. 3, to be exact, and if we subtract 3 from 10, it's 7. So we're back where we started, with that 7 of wands. I think there's a message in here telling you to find the balance between trying to do it all yourself and allowing yourself to drown in whatever "it all" is for you, but also, being able to tune "it all" out too? Like, she looks like she’s sitting in a snow globe in the 7 of wands. I know it's supposed to be a circle of protection, a defense system, but I see a snow globe here. And there's a wand, poking at it. So, it's like the outside world is trying desperately to get to you. And, maybe it's not even bad. Maybe it's you closing yourself off because there are all these fears so then you're trying to do things on your own, independently. But, I think the message in that, along with finding a balance, is that there are people who see you struggling and trying to tackle all this by yourself and they want to help. They want to help carry those remaining 7 wands, but you're so stubborn about it. There's a need to let some things go. Maybe, not taking too much on your plate right now. I got the deck Spiritual AF, and I wanted to try and pull only about 2 cards for these piles, but 3 came out for you. They're kind of interesting. One corresponds with the moon, because it literally says "Look at the fuckin' moon!!!", and I think that's saying literally look at the moon. Maybe you feel a connection to the moon or just other things in outer space? But I also think it's telling you to take a moment and sit in silence, kind of like the lady on the 7 of wands. A moment of taking in the good things, and surely the moon is a good thing? It illuminates the night sky. I just accidentally typed night school, lol so maybe some of you are taking night courses? Is that a thing anymore? Or maybe if you're in school you do a lot of your work at night? I personally do, so maybe there is a draw to the moon. Maybe you feel more energy under it? The other cards from the Spiritual AF deck are interesting too. One is, "You gonna cry about it or boss up? (Pro tip: Do both.)" I think this is kind of less advice and more what you're doing right now. I see that in the 10 of wands. I think you're working through your discomfort. That's not the word I was originally looking for, but I think for some of you it is discomfort. But, for all, I see it as you working through the challenges. I think the message in that, is again, you don't have to take it all on on your own. Also, that you don't need to bottle up that discomfort. There are people trying to get into your globe to help you. For a small bit of you, it's not people trying to get into your snow globe to help, instead I feel like it's people who are egging you on and maybe they're the reason behind you working so hard. Like, you're trying to prove to them something. The other card from the Spiritual AF deck was "There are people who dislike you because you don't dislike you." For those that have people who are trying to get to you instead of helping, I think this is just a message to 1) keep up the hard work but also 2) make sure you are balancing it, though. I think there's a fine line between working hard and overworking, and I think you're at that threshold. Some have already crossed it. I definitely get a tired feeling from the moon and the 10 of wands. But, because this particular 10 of wands doesn't look like it's as much as a struggle as other versions I've seen, I can see that it's like close to being that struggle. So, you need to be careful you don't get there. Take care of your mental health, please. With the witches oracle, two cards fell out reversed before I could fully ask the question. I hesitated to take them, but I don't often get reversals with this deck, so I felt that it was for you. And, to be honest, they make sense to me. Especially rooted reversed and alter. Alter talks about literally making an alter to talk to spirit, or, making a sacred space within yourself. I kind of think of it as a safe space, like when you meditate or when you're able to just sit in silence, or even just listening to music. Whatever it is you do to unwind when things get really stressful. And, if you don't have something like that, I think you need to figure something out. There's a wide variety of things you can do. For me, painting, journaling, yoga/pilates, or even just listening to my favorite music is how I help calm myself down. Sometimes even going on a walk. It doesn't have to just be sitting and breathing, it's gotta be what feels right for you, ya know? So, that being said, I think once you're able to find this safe space for yourself, you'll start to hear messages. Whether it's from outside of you, or within your own mind. Intuition being reversed tells me you're having issues following it right now. I think getting that safe space is going to help you start to hear your intuition, or at least follow it better. To stop doubting it. I understand how that can be hard, I personally need cold hard facts before I can follow my intuition. I find that when I don't follow it because I lack sufficient evidence for my mind to think it's worth following, my intuition always ends up being right in the end. So, I think you're being asked to stop doubting yourself and your intuition. But, then there's a few of you who are daydreaming or are up in your head too much. So much so, you're lacking action. Maybe this is in the form of procrastination, too. Which, hey we're all guilty of that once and a while. But I think this is a call for you to be more action-oriented than. The booklet for the witches oracle mentions that this message is especially true if rooted is pulled too, which, it was. However, it, too, was reversed. So, I don't think it's a message for all of you. I think it's for a few. For all, though, even those who are trying this already, you need to find a way to better ground yourself. I personally have a few carnelians that just holding helps me feel more connected to my body. But, other things too. I listen to water, like waves. I do it with homework. Specifically Lake Superior waves because it's a lake I've been to, so I feel more connected to it. But, it could be anything for you. Water noises like waves or waterfalls. Birds? Even traffic noises. There's a need to feel whole within your body (something I have issues with a lot, myself, so I'm right there with you), as well as feeling safe to? I think some affirmations might help, because once they stick in your head you start to believe them. Something like, "I am safe. I am grounded. I am whole." These are a few things. I think you should look into other things because these are just my own ideas and I think it's going to be different for all. I also got two of those Affirmations! decks, the normal one and the creativity one. I wanted to pull a couple creativity cards for you guys who are into creative stuff, but I think they can apply for all of you. These two cards are Conviction, and Seeing the Best. Seeing the Best talks about taking something you have made and seeing only the good qualities in it, even if you think it's absolute garbage. It's about being proud of what you've made, but also your accomplishments, no matter how big or small. I think if you've been feeling like you're almost overworked, this is something needing to be done. Like, sitting down and mapping out all that has been done by you so far. I think you'll find, once you've done this, that you've accomplished so much and that sometimes it's hard to see in the moment, but those accomplishments are still there, no matter what. Conviction talks about being as authentic as you can be. Being yourself and not watering that down for anyone. I think with seeing the best, it means that those little quirks you have that other people don't, are so good. They're yours, and yours alone, so why would you want to hide them? They make you you. So, if maybe part of this stress and having people dislike you for being you (which, hey if that's happening, fuck them!!! You let Sara know who it is so she can give them a talking to!!!!), I think you're meant to take what makes you stand out and shout it louder than you have been. As that card states, people are going to dislike you for being you, right? So, why would you give into that? I personally think the best revenge (and the card even says this) is to just keep being you. I hate having to conform and I hate being told what to do, so to me that is perfect revenge. The biggest Fuck You that you could possibly dish out. The regular Affirmation! cards are following your heart (!!! intuition!!! being you!!!), vitality, and divine timing. Not gonna lie, when divine timing fell out I had to groan. That paired with the moon made me think that this was my pile, lol. Like, I'm so sick of having to be patient, but this message is that you need to know that this work will pay off. That you following your heart and your intuition will not lead you somewhere you don't want to be. Rather, it will lead you to exactly where you want to be and where you're meant to be. I think there's something you're being prepared for, but the moon tells me it's not supposed to be known yet. With all those cards about getting grounded and following your intuition, I'd say you're being prepared for something. I can't tell you what, because, like I said. You're not meant to know yet. It's supposed to be a surprise! And, damn do I hate hearing that, so if you do too, don't worry. You're not alone. We're just not meant to know yet. But, with two wands cards and one being a 10, I'd say you're close to ending a cycle or are in the process of doing so. Even though the intuition reversed can talk about all thinking and no acting, I think that was where you needed to be prior to right now, and now, you're meant to act. That's going to be different for everyone, because this is still a super vague reading. It's pretty general and I'm sure many people can find something within this, but depending on what's going on in your life, you're being asked to act. I also think vitality is asking you to act too. It talks about being alive and being grateful for that. So, I think it's telling you, you're alive, so you might as well act. Which, again, I kind of hate that message too, but clearly I'm getting it for myself as well lol, so if you're in the same boat as me. Your wild offering card was self-love, and I definitely was getting that vibe overall from this pile. I mean, from being told to value who you are and not to water it down for anyone, to being told to find your safe space and ground yourself, I think it's just overall telling you that you need to be your #1 priority. This is going to mean different things for everyone, again. Like, first off, you all do need to ground yourself, or work on it more. But also, making sure you don't have too much to handle right now, and learning when to ask for help. Self-love isn't easy at all, and sometimes I find we're our worst enemy. But, those are the times when we need to love ourselves the most, right? So, I'm just here to remind you that you're a wonderful person and that you are whole and okay. Please take care of yourselves! I love you guys! Really, I truly do, and I want you to love you too! Also, side note, again, with that self-love card, I'm thinking you need to look at the moon, or the stars. Or just, the night sky. Hell, even the day-sky. Also, I'm noticing that there are more blues and greens in this spread than other colors. Or just, less color than there could be, especially warm colors like red. I think that's another sign that maybe carnelians are good for you, or anything red? Like, red, orange, yellow (bright yellow). Idk! Just a thought! Also, I'm meant to tell you that with the divine timing, you're being watched over. Whether that's by the universe or a higher power or your ancestors? The bottom deck card for the witches oracle was the ancestors card which talks about being watched over, bottom deck for wild offering was trust, and your bottom deck for the tarot was 3 of swords. So, for some of you (or all of you?) you're feeling a lot of pain/heartbreak over a situation right now. Or, in the recent past you were. I think these are just saying, "hey, we see your pain and brighter days and things are ahead", so again. Being prepared for something, but something good I think. Just remember to take care of yourself in the mean time! I didn’t write down as many songs as I normally do, so I’m only doing 1 for each pile and yours was House on Fire by Black Taxi. Not sure how it applies to you, but there might be something within the lyrics? Or you may like it! Who knows! I know it was part of my huge playlist of like 1800+ songs and so it wasn’t a song I’d heard in years, so I was surprised! Pile 2:

cards: the devil, temperance, 9 of pentacles, journey, wolf, good things to come, everyone's a teacher, vitality, bravery, trust "Sometimes crushing it means asking for help" "You are the product of what you believe." "Your gut knows what's up. Trust that bitch." Right away, with that devil card, I'm hearing "A wolf in sheep's clothing". So, either someone is lying to you about who they truly are, or you're lying to someone? Someone is lying here. And, I'm not sure if it's entirely too bad. I definitely see that with this devil card comes a lot of temptation. Like, this one is a hot guy just kind of holding his hand out saying "Here, take my hand.", but like with taking his hand comes maybe a less than ideal situation? Whoever this is, they have mesmerizing eyes, so if this is someone lying to you, that's a clue. Light colored eyes too, like a really light blue or gray, maybe even green? That's not going to be for all of you, but for someone out there...Watch out. Two major arcana...I'm getting some Sagittarius and Capricorn vibes, especially Capricorn with the devil and the 9 of pentacles. So, aside from that message about someone lying, I read this as someone trying to balance out their materialistic side? Like, maybe they have a lot of abundance right now and they're tempted to spend money they don't need to be spending on things they don't need? The 9 of pentacles talks about stability, like independent stability. It's often read as a person who's single. But, this card is reversed, so it could be about....Oh. Okay, for some this is about a relationship where there is shared finances. I'm seeing this as trying to balance it out, between saving and spending. Like, knowing when you can indulge and when you need to hold back. But, for some, it's also just someone in your life trying to control your finances. Like, I think you are fairly independent, especially with what you make financially, but there is someone who is mooching off of you, or maybe just controlling how you deal with your earned finances? With the temperance, I think it's you finding where to allow interference and where not to. For some, it's not about money at all, and about a relationship, whether its between you and someone who is really controlling. For some this could be an abusive situation, but for most I think it's just that one of you has a tendency to try and control things. Maybe it's like, you're the 9 of pentacles and maybe it's reversed for you because you bend easily? Like, maybe you're a people pleaser and so, its like this devil energy comes in and is easily able to control you. For some it's bad, like manipulative. For others, it's just not on purpose. Maybe they just have a personality that just kind of is louder than yours? For some this is you being tempted by this devil character. Like, it could be someone you're really attracted to, and so maybe it's learning how to tame the temptation/attraction? But, this 9 of pentacles suggests that maybe...I don't think you need to tame it? I think it's like, you do need to find a good balance (again, so much balance!), but that this temptation in moderation isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's a good thing? Like, I get that some of you are needing to loosen up (lmao, me too, though) so this devil comes over, lends a hand with that. Which. Oof. Okay, definitely getting a lot of sexual energy here. Like at first I was joking a little like, oh that devil is hot! But now I'm like. Ooo. Okay, like really hot. Like I get a lot of attraction here between you two and I haven't even pulled more cards lmao, so while for some this is about materialism and controlling it and what not, for most its about another person. This person is super sunny too. Like, originally I was going off of the "wolf in sheep's clothing" (which could very well still ring true) and like go off of more darker meanings of the devil, but I think for most this is just a case where there's this person who is just super devilishly charming? Like, have you ever met anyone like that? Because I've met a few and PHEW. It's always something. So, I think to add to that, I think they're just really sunny. Like, have you ever met anyone who an embodiment of the sun to you? Again, I've met a few and it's always something. So, to say this person is something is an understatement. There's so much green so far, too. So I'd say this person is going to bust open your heart. Make it melt a little. I'm really warm, so, make you sweat a little. The bottom of the tarot is the emperor, so !! Yes. This person is kind of the Real Deal. A sunny person who also has a super seductive quality to them. They may get to be a little controlling, I don't think they mean it though, so make sure your boundaries are strong. This person wears boots for some of you, or like, they have a pair they like to wear. Maybe hiking boots? For most I see timbalands lmao Also tattoos and darker hair colors. Longer hair too. Their skin is darker, or they tan well. Don't take this to heart, this could just be for a few of you. The most interesting thing has happened. I pulled the wolf card in the witches oracle deck, which is so funny because I got that saying, "a wolf in sheep's clothing" in my head. And, I think this might be that there are two groups of you. So, I'll try to be as clear as possible. The first is that this is someone who may come off one way, but is actually another. This person is good though. I don't think they meant to come off the first way, and it could very well be an assumption on your part. We all do that sometimes. The other group is dealing with someone who, again, is coming off one way but is another. This one is not so good. I don't get horrible vibes, though. I just get that they're not as good as the person the other group is dealing with. This person I think is a test in your believes and your self-worth. Well, I think they both are, but one is karmic and is here to teach you to love yourself and to put yourself first. The other (the “good” one), while they're here to teach you that, I think they're also here to learn it with you rather than just teach you. I also am thinking that you will know which group you’re in, even if it hasn't started for you yet? The wolf card in the witches oracle talks about trusting ones instinct. You got another card that literally tells you to follow your gut, so that part where I said you will know which group your apart of? Yeah. You will. If you don't and you're in a situation that may be similar to this, then maybe this isn't really your pile and maybe you're meant to come back to this at a later date? Oh. Ear is ringing, so yeah. If you're reading this and are unclear about what it is, either come back another day/time, or check out another pile for now. If you do know, then please stay lol. Another card that suggests, to me, that you know what's going on, is trust. It talks about trusting oneself and the process one is going through. Divine timing wanted to come out but, I put it back because it was a part of a chunk of cards, so I was like if it needed to work its way out, it would. And, it did in a way. This Trust card suggests it to me. So, if this is a connection and you're feeling impatient, you're meant to trust this process and try to be patient about it. Whether that is about getting away from this person (if you are part of the group where they’re not so great), or things moving forward with them (if they are “good”). Everyone's a Teacher talks about learning things from everyone you meet. This reinforces the idea to me that this this person was put into your life to teach you something, and I think one of those things is learning how to trust your intuition. Another is loving yourself and knowing you're enough. The "being enough" card says just that, that you are enough. "You are enough. Nowhere to go, nothing to get, nothing to change. No need to grow more deserving. You, yes you, are Love." So for the group of you that this person is teaching you about self worth in a more deceptive way, I think this message pertains to you more. I think you need to know that. Also, "you are a product of what you believe" is telling you this too. It even talks about how if you think you're a turd, you're going to think you're a turd. So, please don't think you're a turd!!! Gross!!! You are not gross!!! And if this person makes you think that, then kick em to the curb! You can do that and still learn this lesson! You're already enough, anyway. I know it says you don't need to grow or be more, but I think it's like. You're already whole as you are, right? It's just this is a lesson that is teaching you that you need to love yourself, and so you're growing while...being told you don't need to, so its a little confusing, but its good! Journey also confirms that these are lessons! I think with Bravery, it's talking about how you're going to get more confident with this self-love you're starting to feel (for the first time or again). I think it's also going hand in hand with Vitality, like you're feeling more confident to do new things? I got vitality for the last pile, and I read that more as them being grateful. I think you are going to be feeling more grateful soon, but I also think this time it's more that maybe you're lacking energy and maybe this person either is taking it away (the wolf version), or they're restoring it (the sunny, not a wolf version lol). But, overall, for all of you this situation is going to end with something good. Whether it's that they leave your life or they stay there and add to it, something good is coming. Good things to come tells me this and I think this is just a sign that there are good things coming, but you're not meant to know what they are quite yet -which was what I got for pile 1, so some of you may want to check that one out if you were torn between the two. I do also think that this pile is learning how to ask for help when needed (another message from pile 1!)? So, even if you know in your gut if this person is for you or not, I think it doesn't hurt to get other people's advice. I just wouldn't let their advice go straight to your head and become the end-all be-all. I would take it into consideration and if your gut is saying, "yes, that is right" then, yeah! Listen to them! But if not...? Just, keep it in mind but don't take it to heart. I think this card may apply more to some of you who are having issues with finances, like those who relate to the 9 of pentacles and the devil kind of working as you having issues with overspending (because I think while this devil is another person, I also see it as a whole situation too). So, if you need help with that, it doesn't hurt to ask. I just wouldn't ask this devil person if they're not who they say they are and you know it's not the best thing for you. Gosh, I hope this is helpful and that it makes sense? I think there is a lot going on for this group, but it mostly is a situation with someone else. I want everyone to be safe, remember to keep boundaries. Follow your gut, but be safe in the process. And, remember, no matter what comes from this, you are enough! A song that got stuck in my head while doing this pile was Selfless by The Strokes. It’s a song I don’t listen to often, though I’d say it is one of my favorites by them, so it felt significant for you! Pile 3:

cards: 9 of pentacles, 8 of swords, judgement, self-sufficiency, power, get centered, beauty, forgiveness, showing up, unicorn voice, all hallows eve, banshee "Maybe you just need to shake your booty?" "Grab your own booty." "Go outside and do shit" I think some of you who picked this pile are worried you're not doing things right. Or that you're not on the right path, but you definitely are. Judgement is here to tell me that. It also tells me that there are some things that might show up from your past (like lessons) that need to be revisited, but again, this is all on your path, okay? 9 of pentacles tells me that some of you are already stable within yourself, whereas others of you are almost there. Like, literally just an arms reach away - like in the card how she’s reaching. The 8 of swords tells me you are a very logical person. I think you're in your head a lot and I think you have the tendency to overthink. This could be why you're wondering if you're on the right path, but again: you are! Again, I said that some of you are already stable within yourself, or are an arms reach away from this. By this, I mean independent. Self-sufficient. And right after I said that, the Self-sufficiency card came out for you! For some, this is a reminder that you are whole (a theme throughout all 3 piles today). For others, this is a reminder that this is where you're headed, and not to worry (another theme!!). You will get there in your own time. This card talks about relying on God, and I personally am not super religious. I consider myself somewhat spiritual, but not religious, so I'm not reading it this way. However, if this is how you want to read it, it still applies! I just think, over all, this is telling you that you're strong and reliable and when you rely on yourself, it's okay because again, you're reliable. I don't think it means to only rely on yourself, but I think it means to make sure you do when you need to. Like, you're capable of taking care of yourself and others. So, judgement and banshee paired together seem pretty powerful to me. I hate that I pull banshee for one pile every time I pull out these cards, but clearly I need to tell you this as a warning. For some this is about not allowing yourself to overthink things. That's a dangerous cycle to get stuck in. However, while it's a warning, I also see it to mean that this is a cycle that is coming to a close because it talks about endings and new beginnings. "Go outside and do shit" is just telling me that this is maybe one way for you to end this cycle. Like, to get grounded (get centered was one of your cards!), and sometimes the best way is to go outside (if it's possible where you live, it’s only just warming up here), if not just do something related to nature. Or, anything that you know/think will ground you. I think this will get you out of that 8 of swords energy, or help relieve it. Forgiveness, also, is something to think about. Banshee wanted to come out reversed, but it did so sideways, so its only for a handful of you. That handful of you are angry, and I do wonder if this independent energy you're in is your form of revenge? Either way, it's a warning to make sure you're not being vengeful. I think with power, and forgiveness, it's telling you that you're really powerful as a person and this can hurt people when used wrongly. You're being asked to forgive those who did you wrong, and to forgive yourself in the process as well. I do want to say, however, that forgiving someone does not give them the right to be in your life, however. If this is someone who you let go of because their actions/words were harmful to you, don’t just accept them back in because you forgive them. That being said, you're being asked to see your power. See that you have everything you need within you. Two of the Spiritual AF cards talk about butts, so I think you probably have a great ass so, ya know, feel good about that. But in general, I think you're a really good looking group. I mean, those paired with beauty!? And 9 of pentacles!? You're probably really beautiful! I mean, we all are, but I bet you're like STUNNING. And that independent energy, I think, is actually really drawing people in. I think this is telling you to stay true to yourself and your beliefs, and not to let anyone change you. And if this is something that happened to you in the past, forgive and let go. All Hallow's Eve, unicorn voice, beauty, power and showing up (even "grab your own butt. Love yourself") are all about self-love and loving yourself for who you are. There is a strong self-love theme throughout all the piles, but this one had the strongest. I think you're well on your way to getting there (for some, you already have a healthy dose of it), but it doesn't mean that you're not always feeling it. So, I think this is just a reminder that you're The Shit and that you're powerful and perfect just the way you are. And, I think if you're having issues seeing things this way, or having issues letting go of control (like, maybe a workaholic, I could see that for some of you), I think you're in need of shaking your ass like the "maybe you just need to shake your booty?" card suggests. It says that if you can stop taking yourself so seriously, then things can lighten up, so for some of you, you are being told to lighten up but to also remember you're the shit too. Also, a side note to say that showing up is also a card that talks about being present, but also being able to "show up" for yourself, even if that means giving yourself a few minutes to work on a project/hobby a day. Or just doing something you love. You're showing up for yourself that way, and it's important to remember that. Especially for my workaholics (I'm definitely included in that message lol). If you were drawn to any of the other piles, but this one won over the others, I really need to let you know that there are messages in the other two for you if you felt drawn to the others. I mean, even if you weren't there may be messages within them for you, but this is especially for those drawn to more than one pile. I think that this is a standalone that could go with either of the other piles to be honest. This one I think was the shortest of the 3, but it was a pretty quick one because everything tied in so nicely. So, remember, love yourself because you're the shit and that you're on the right path right now. You're self-sufficient and badass and even though you may need to keep yourself in check (please forgive and let go if at all possible!), you're still the shit! For a song for you, I got Okay by Chase Atlantic, and in my notes there’s just a “???” next to it because I’m not sure why this felt significant, but I had to write down that it came on while reading for you. Maybe you’re a Chase Atlantic fan or something, but that’s your pile’s song!

[ceoofanticatradora]

YOU'RE THE CEO?!?!

-slams follow button-

I've been WAITING for some management around the anti c//a community

(Seriously thank you for this blog. Makes me feel less bonkers for being like.. one of the 20 ppl worldwide that can't stand c//a)...

First of all I'd like to thank you for your sweet words! ❤ I welcome you dearly on this humble, little Blog of mine. I'm still relatively new to Tumblr, so far I only silently watched the Tags from the shadows, leaving a Like every once in awhile at most.

Actually I expected to be instantly attacked when yesterday on Adora's Birthday I just had enough. But so far I got positive recognition only, including yours and while that is probably bound to change at some point in the future it is the best start I could've wished for. It is more than motivating to keep this Blog going.

Many Antis used to like Catradora and/or Catra at one point and I gotta admit I'm no different from that. Seeing the amazing Fanarts on Instagram and the comparisons to shows I loved I got really absorbed like: "Finally some good f**king food! Go lesbians, go." Hell, I thought Catra in a suit was so hot it scares me now. Now all I see is the memory of my abusive ex boyfriend from a time I did not know I'm aro yet.

I was in for a bitter surprise when out of boredom I started watching the show with a friend of mine because I very quickly started to dislike Catra. While I did not immediately notice how horrible she treats Adora even then (shoving and tackling her, making fun of her in dangerous situations, pulling her hair, guilt tripping and insulting her etc.), I still found her annoying and the second she tasered Adora I backed away from that Ship. At least I was able to figure out that was unhealthy. For a while I still was okay with it because "Hey, it still is the first/second Season" and Catra could still have lots of potential for a satisfying redemption but with Season 3 I just had enough.

Just like you described/hinted at I questioned my sanity: What if I'm in the wrong? There must be something about the Ship that so many like it, right? Surely something must be wrong with me and my perception of Catradora and Catra overall. It was horrifying, I hated it. I felt hated and alone for a long time, maybe in the future I'll share a few horror stories I lived through regarding that because there sure were some. The treatment did not contribute to my mental health. Yeah, sometimes it felt like this was going to shatter me.

Discovering people that thought like me, finding out about Tumblr was like a lifeline. It helped. It gave me hope. And I wanna do my best that other people can experience that too because despite being a minority, despite being treated like we're the "rotten" side of the fandom we're valid. We are entitled to our opinions. Dare I even say we're the ones that are right for questioning things that most people, including Noelle gloss over so easily? Abuse is not a joke. Or toxic obsessions, ableism. Nothing you should ignore for the sake of lesbian representation. And it's not like they did not have any other possible choices. We already got Spinnetossa and Scorfuma. Glimmadora would've worked, Adora with almost any other female (Huntara f. ex. or Perfuma, Mermista etc.) would've worked if that would not have been enough.

This Blog is to raise awareness to a small degree. Most Catradora stans will not listen. They're too caught up in their ignorance, they're too deep into it to ever admit they are wrong which is why 99% of the arguments they make are "fake" arguments (attacks, insults) or just generally untrue or invalid for different reasons. The Blog is also to give comfort and hope to others, to reach out. To people that are like me. Who think there might be something wrong with them. Who feel lonely or need validation that their opinion is very much justisfied. And the Blog finally is for me to rant so I can preserve a part of my sanity. Sometimes when interacting with toxic stans I can feel some of it leaving my body.

So next to lots of posts about my issues with Catra(dora) and its stand, I will also try to sneak in posts about support to Non Shippers (like reasons why shipping other Ships is valid, general support because most of us don't hear a "You are loved and valued" often enough etc.). May this account live on for a long time, I can see the Anti Catra(dora) Community is slowly growing. It's still not big, bigger than other Anti Tags though. And it does become less rare to encounter Non Shippers even outside of the regular Tumblr Tags. We might never "win" this fight and become the majority but we can try to do our best as a group. Repeat after me:

We are valid!! Our opinions, feelings and experiences matter!!

So to you and any Anti Catra(dora) person reading this: You have my love. My support. And I'll do my best to deliver some quality content to all of you for a long time to come!

And with that C.O.A.C. over and out, thank you so much for your Ask/"Question"/Message!

P.S. Oops, my hands slipped. I did not expect to slide right into a whole rant as to how I first encountered the Ship and what it did to me but here we are.

[faelapis]

But why would Steven be corrupted? Isn't he doing much better now?

he kinda is, but let’s not forget the season description blurb - 

“Steven is still at it, tying up every loose end. But as he runs out of other people’s problems to solve, he’ll finally have to face his own”.

and that… i think, is very necessary. the conclusion he came to in the movie wasn’t… fully happy. it was basically “i’ll keep doing this forever, but it’s okay! i accept it and i’ve got my friends”.

he knows he’s not his mom, he knows he’s got his friends… but how much does he tie his identity to his ability to help others? how much does he feel like he’s gotta always be ready to face everything, and that he can’t take time to work through how he really feels?

those are the questions i’m interested in.

in “what’s your problem”, steven says he’s feeling better, but… what he’s really feeling is proud of amethyst for being so kind and mature towards him. she kind of failed at her goal. she got steven to open up a tiny window about his own feelings, but that shut tight the second amethyst let slip any feelings she had. he was back to putting her first. 

she was the one who had her big character development speech. not him.

he started the ep focusing on helping others, and he ended it the same way.

so steven… kinda needs to be put in a situation where there’s no one else he can help. how would he cope with that? he’s chasing retirement in the movie, but when this has been such a core part of his self-prescribed “purpose” and personhood… eventually, he must surely start to question what he’s going to do with his life. who he wants to be, when he’s not doing gem stuff. how all this trauma has affected him. what he owes others vs what he owes himself. 

basically… who he is when he’s not at work. how to put himself first.

isn’t that what he was trying to teach the homeworld gems? they are more than their purpose. so SU needs to make sure he knows that about himself, too.

there’s a lot to tackle here. this is all stuff i’m kinda hoping could bubble to the surface. there’s a lot of symbolic self-acceptance in “change your mind”, but as the SU: Future blurb proves, steven’s still got mental health issues to deal with.

do i think the pink caterpillar must be him? no. it’s kind of a silly side theory. there are things that speak in its favor - it’s got his nose shape, it’s pink, “caterpillar” is a very fitting form for someone who needs to grow…

but i do think at some point, steven’s gonna reconnect with his feelings about everything he’s been through. that may lead to a breakdown. he’s a diamond, he may be able to corrupt himself… but even if not, i want him to face his feelings.

[finnicks]

5, 8 and 26 please :)

Thanks for the asks!

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

you came back as the underdog

I have been wanting to write a story about grief for a decade now. I've had ideas that were fleeting or ones that I didn't quite know how to turn into ideas as they were just moods I was trying to capture. But then WandaVision came along and I found the little fandom that let me express grief in ways that were healthy and unhealthy.

This fic has been so much fun for me to write. Not only did I actually outline it from start to finish (something that I struggle to do—I barely know my endings half the time and can never quite figure out what I want to leave the reader with) and figured out my process as a writer, I'm telling the story I want to tell and I'm having a blast doing so. It's been great that people are responding to it so positively, and that's been super encouraging, but the one thing I've noticed more than anything is how willing I am to go back and reread bits of it. Usually, when I post a fic, I can't read it, can't look at it, can't even touch it after I've published it. It's some weird imposter syndrome insecure bullshit. It's not as though I'm not proud of the other fics I've written, but there's just something about this one that makes me go back and reread bits.

I'm writing the story that I want to read. I look at this fic and associate it with confidence that I've never really experienced before when writing a fic—I know what it is. I'm writing what I want to write and I'm very grateful people are coming along the journey with me, but I'm writing this story for me.

It's been really great—and even cathartic at times—to write a story about something that's so personal to me.

Honourable mentions:

i have fault lines in my bones - The first WIP I embarked on after years of depression crippling my creativity. It's another story that's tackling grief, but it's probably tackling depression more than anything else. (Something else that's really important to me and something I've been wanting to explore in writing.)

be the ocean where i unravel - I remember I wrote this in a week for WonderTrev Love Week and I am really proud of it since I decided to be creative and put my own spin on Greek mythology. I pulled together one story based on the very different prompts given for each week, which I think is an epic feat.

our house is crumbling under me - I remember really enjoying writing this one. It was a bridge between 2x09 and 2x10 and focused on Bellamy and Raven, and I still think about it to this day. (I think it needs a bit of an edit, though.)

I am proud of a few of my one-shots as well, but I've listed chaptered fics since they are the hardest ones to stick with because of mental health, confidence issues, and engagement.

8. Which character(s) do you find easiest to write?

Most of the ones I write for. I rp a lot of the characters I write, so I end up finding it easy to fall into my interpretation of them. Any character who has a sense of humour or has the potential to have a sense of humour is my type.

At the moment, I really like writing for Wanda Maximoff, Bucky Barnes, Katherine Pierce, Elena Gilbert, Kai Parker (he's so much fun), Barry Allen (I really wish the show would inspire me again), and I'm negl, both Agatha Harkness and Barbara Minerva because I really like my sinister approach to them.

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

Dubcon and dark content, although I've said "fuck it" this year and gone for it. It was so much fun once I got rid of the niggling inner editor or insecure voice in my head. I want to write more!

Kinky fic... I've always been so shy about it, but last year I signed up for a kink bingo and went for it. I'm kind of hoping that this year's attempt at kink bingo results in kinkier fic, since last year I was still so shy and tentative about it. There's an audience for everything. Gotta let your kink flag fly.

A big sprawling epic fic that's plotty. I have a few ambitious ideas and it's always difficult to put them to paper. I tend to lose faith in them and lose the idea as well (so I've found my method of outlining and keeping notes works for me in that department). I want to finish the WIPs I have on my plate and I don't want to be shy about going after the Big Ideas, either.

And to make a long post longer, on the writing process side, I'd love to experience betaing again on both the writer and beta reader side, and even cheerleaders (which I think could also be betas?) since I have a horrible time sharing my ideas and I think the experience could be beneficial. (I also believe if I share my ideas I end up losing interest in them, which is something I want to tackle.) I'm a bit paranoid because I've had people take my ideas, so I want to regain trust in that process again.

35 QUESTIONS FOR FANFICTION WRITERS! ✨

[atiny-piratequeen]

I was honestly so fucking hyped for kingdom bc my two ult groups are going to be on the show and I LOVED RTK but now bc everyone is so fucking pressed about voting and I just feel like I'm getting guilt tripped everytime I go online. Like yeah I know it is important but I'm in school rn I have a life I need people to chill out bc these are already established groups and I feel like they are already winning just by being on the show and getting recognized

Idk that's just been my feelings about kingdom these past couple of weeks

Ive said this before with Mnet and Mama voting and I'll say it again for Kingdom.

Do what's good for YOU and YOUR mental health. If you can't vote, even if you just dont want to vote, that's fine. This shit is taxing. It really is. Not to mention the same people who want you to vote so much that they could care less if your mental health is in decline is the same person forging like 50+ accs (which is cheating but the kpoppie community has normalized cheating with voting by making a fucking thousand and one accs for voting but yknow we dont talk about that bc "x fandom does it so instead of tackling the bigger issue of voter fraud, lets all just do it tehe")

I dont want this to come off as rude, but at the end of the day its YOUR responsibility to curate your own fandom space. If the way people are talking about voting and Kingdom is making you upset and ruining the experience for you, you really gotta start soft blocking and muting words or just unfollowing people until its over. Ive already said i despise how kpoppies go about trying to guilt trip and bully people into voting before so i understand.

You really just gotta steel yourself and start doing what's best for you so you can enjoy Kingdom to the fullest without feeling like shit because you couldn't wake up at ass fuck o clock to vote on 50+ different accs

[psycholojosh]

Got my first 1.00 in grad school!

I just want to take the time to share my happiness lately.

When the pandemic began last year, I was saddened by a lot of things. One of them was the lost opportunity to study cognitive-behavioral therapy (or CBT) in-depth when I enrolled in a class. Psych 249 - that was the course code. I was excited for that class because CBT is a popular form of therapy these days. And surprisingly, I learned that it was an umbrella of many therapies that tackle the cognitive and behavioral connection. To top of it, one of my favorite professors, Dr. Divine Love Salvador (awesome name, I know), was instructing us.

Before the lock downs and quarantines and face-to-face classes were still done, I was really looking forward to this class. CBT was a therapeutic approach that I really wanted to hone into and explore. Not to mention, Doc Div (my prof's nickname in school) is an expert in this approach. She and her fellow faculty in the clinical program believe in the power of experiential learning when it comes to training. Our class would meet once a week for three hours. She would discuss theory on the first hour, have a pair demonstrate a technique in front of the class in the second, and have us do our own activity and psychotherapy simulations on the third. The learning was so amazing! I was really looking forward to my turn in the demo since I saw how helpful the post-demo cliniquing was. Plus, my classmates were all insightful people.

Partway in the semester, classes halted due to the pandemic. We were all of a sudden left to our own devices to study. This wasn't surprising to me since I entered graduate school. Grad school has really shaped me to become an independent learner and thinker. But, the complication was the pandemic and the redirected goals to survive and thrive. Doc Div emailed us instructions on the stuff we were "required" to submit with a deferred deadline to a year later - this year.

We were asked to write a case formulation paper - which is a common skill for any psychotherapy class - about a fictional case of an eating disorder. We were also asked to come up with a CBT-informed project that aimed to either educate or be therapeutic for a target audience. This was a group effort and I was grouped with my friends, so I was excited. And lastly, we had to write a final reflection paper based on questions she provided for us in the email. These seemed a lot to finish, so I was thankful for the deferment of our deadlines (and grades).

A few weeks later, as COVID-19 cases were rising and a lot of people were experiencing various psychosocial issues, our university's mental health clinic decided to open its services for free to our own students and staff, frontline healthcare workers, and their respective families. Doc Div was quick to email us the opportunity to volunteer for this initiative for extra credit. I didn't mind the credit at all, yet I decided to volunteer because I wanted to help. And I also realized that the learning I would get from this opportunity would be substantial. Lo and behold, I was assigned to my other professor, Ma'am Sandy Ang (my prof in Psych 264, the Psychopathology class), as my clinical supervisor. In a span of 6 months, I met with a total of 4 clients, each having their own cycles of supervised psychosocial support sessions with me. It wasn't until the end of the year did I accomplish the requested reflection paper. I'll tell more about my experiences here in another post.

Months leading to the deadline, I collaborated with my group to finish an educational blog site about learning skills on boundary setting. We were somewhat happy with the outcome; and we knew that we can improve on it further. Likewise, I have been reading the case given to us for the formulation paper. I started writing bit by bit since the previous year, but only to organize the details. It wasn't until the final two months that we were told that the paper could be done as a group. The idea clicked: I have to work with my group so I could stay afloat from the stress. Luckily, I accomplished a lot in my own, so I only had to present them to the group, ask for their inputs, and add what was missing together.

The process was stressful, to be honest, even as a group. There was a lot of further reading, late night calls to discuss things, writing and preparing materials. It was chaotic, but I felt like I was doing something right and learning something new. Though, I couldn't help but wish for the time that I could "re-learn" all of this with a guidance of an expert or professor.

But anyway... we were buzzer beaters. Submitting by the 11:59pm mark and giving the final sigh as our emails with the requirements attached were making their way to Doc Div's inbox. I felt so much relief knowing how much hard work we've put into our requirements. It didn't take long for our profs to give us our grades from last year. I opened my student portal account and...

An uno?

An uno!

I was so shocked but thrilled that I felt like my hardwork paid off!

The thing is, the sem doesn't count to our final computation of our general weighted averages, so that kinda sucks. But, I'm happy to report how I was able to show some promise with the subject I wanted to learn so much from. Even if I felt alone for the most part, having my groupmates and our collctive efforts made me feel like it was all worth it.

I really do look forward to when the "newer" normal would present us the opportunity to come to school in person again. Online learning is an adventure, but like many I have taken, I get tired of it too. I also miss the things we take for granted, like the facial expressions or the ability to chitchat with my seatmate in class. It made my grad school life all the more fun. But until then, we gotta do what we gotta do.

Cheers! I hope you get your success in these trying times too.

[popculturebuffet]

Toons for Our Times: Star Vs: Demoncism

Halloween Havoc BEGINS! And with Tomtober this same month, i’m taking another of my on and off looks at Tom! Tom tries to tackle his literla nd figurative  personal demons the natural way: by having a creepy anti-demon cult that’s never explained suck them out of his body. For some reason Star has a problem with this. We also get Ponyhead in a robe, the wonders of reflectcor and free toys from the toychest for being such a good boy. Face your demons under the cut. 

Welcome boys, ghouls and that bootiful technicolor rainbow inbetween, to halloween havoc! MUAHAHHAHA.  You might be wondering a few things. What the hell that is, isn’t that also the title of a bunch of old wcw pay per views, and have I gone insane. In order it’s usually my catchy term the past two years and this current one for my binging of halloween films and logging and reviewing them on my leterboxd account, but I decided to expand it to here since while it’s not my first halloween on here it’s the first both reviewing animation and planning ahead, I decided why not reuse a good title here.  As for the wcw thing.. well yeah. It’s a great title, neither WWE, who I think still owns the copyright, nor WCW”s Heir Apparent AEW are using it right now despite being one of the best recurring Pay-Per-View titles either promotions had. Maybe not in actualy MATCH QUALITy but that name.. it just sings to me so i’m using it for my weird blog. I’m not making any money of this so why not. And as for my sanity that left a long time ago. So prepare for a month of ghouls, ghosts, goblins, lichs, scooby doo parodies, long forgotten characters, and some suprises and pies of all sizes. THIS... IS....

So to start us off, every year my pal @jess-the-vampire​ does a monthly event known as tomtober, a celebration of all things tom lucitor. And since I started hte tomtropsective for that and still am behind, I figured why not celebrate that, and the fact I can’t draw so I can’t do day 1 as a chat or anything, by continuing the tale of everyone’s faviorite teen demon.  Thankfully unlike last time, or next time wink wonk, there’s not a TON of other plot stuff to fill in. There is one important bit not to this episode but to the series as a whole: Eclipsa is here, since Moon trying to screw her out of the deal she made backried once toffee actually died... as did you know keepiung him alive instead of dealing with eclipsa being free and having the comissoin to back her on it. Nice job moon. Real nice. So yeah Eclipsa’s around.. dosen’t effect this episode but given tom’s involved in two of the biggest plot important episodes in the show, AND one deals with the direct fallout of one of those episodes i’m probably going to have to cover her soon to get to more tom anyway so might as well prepare for that now. 

So yeah this episode’s entreily a straight line from last time and opens picking up on the end of that episode: Star is calling tom wondering when their gonna get that Cornshake. Thankfully she gets an answer. Unthankfully.. it’s from a VERY sweaty ponyhead. 

So that was my own personal hell. Anyways she’s so.. sweaty.. GAHHHHHHH, because she’s keeping a secret and much like me she can’t keep her mouth shut about something she wants to talk about for very long, so we find out what she knows: SHe ran into tom who swore her not to tell Star he was getting a Demoncisim. Which suprises me.. not the demoncism thing the fact Pony would actually listen to anyone else.. Star included. LIke it’s the one thing about this episode that dosen’t quite fit: She’s such a selfish, toxic asshole, though Jenny Slate bless her makes her at least entertaining at times but even she has limits, it just dosen’t track she’d care what Tom thought unless we saw it for ourselves. Pony is ONLY capable of carring about star so while I could see tom framing it as for her own good, it’d be nice if the episode just came out and said that. It’d also be nice if we didn’t get sweaty ponyhead because that’s probably someone’s fetish and I.. OH GOD. 

Okay now i’ve mentally snapped from that revelation, Star lasso’s pony when she tries to escape, and we find out the demoncism is pretty self explanatory: A cermony that removes demons from one’s body.. and given tom is you know, a demon, this could end bad. So with no idea where it’s being held and it going on now, giving them little if any time to figure it out, Star suggests going to pony’s ex.. she dosen’t remember which one and apologizes for how bitchy that sounded, but we find out it’s Seahorse, Pony’s love intrest for the rest of the series and a hardcore emo rocker who even made her a song.. which is just him destroying everything and screaming. Eh i’ve seen people in emowear do far dumber. 

If those are m and m’s their pretzel. Trust me I’m a professional lardass, I know my delcious candy coated choclates. Anyways our dynamic-ish duo head to Seahorse at his job at a relfectcor store, basically a phone store, and is basically a hollowed out shell of a human being with no real personality or free will of his own.. so THAT’S how we got Ted Cruz. Ponyhead natrually breaks down when he dosen’t recognize her at all, which is one of the few time’s i’ve actually cared about her feelings: I mean having your ex just.. forget you exist.. tha’ts rough buddy. I feel bad for her.. I didn’t know she had emotions. I thought her heart and brain were both a black hole.. mostly becasue I thought ponyhead’s hearts and brains were the same organ. Star does however manage to get the map they need to Tom. 

Our heroines find the Demonicsim site and a bunch of creepy guys in robes iwth red glowing eyes.. who are never explained honestly. More on that in a minute. So ponyhead distracts them with one of the greatest  gags in the series history

I mean just.. look at it. The way the robe drapes, the way her nose sticks out much like a certain penguins, the way she decides to distract everyone with petty minute like voting on robes.. it’s fucking great. I may not like pony a LOT but she can be really damn funny> The issues that she often isn’t funny enough to ofset her jackassery. Here though even with my jabs at her.. she works and I like it.  So Star confronts Tom, wondering AGAIN if this is another half assed tactic to win her back.. and her flip flop attitude with tom is starting to annoy me. It fits her personality, and don’t get me wrong as i’ve made abudnatnly clear in past reviews his actions in blood moon ball and ESPECIALLY mr.candle cares were super not okay, so i’ts okay NOT to forget how badly things went last time when your considering getting back together with someone. It’s NOT okay however to hold it over someone’s head forever like any moment their going to snap back into being a manipulative doucheweasel when they’ve left you alone for around 8 months.. and Id id my calcualtion. The timeline of the show is pretty solid up to season 4: Season 1 was star’s 1st semister at echo creek academy, season 2 was her second and as it turned out final one, and season 3 covers Summer , fall and part of next spring. Though again how another summer dosen’t happen until towards the end of season 4 is dumb and I’ll probably rant about that at a later point. Point is since MCC was at the start of season 2, that means it happened around say january or feburary, with Demonicsim probably happening around say march. So he’s left you alone for around 8 months, silver bell ball included. It’s unfair to assume he’s still schemeing when he let you go months ago. H’es made it obvious via his .. everything he’d take you back in an instant, he’s just being patient and not pushing it because he’s no longer as big an asshole, and trying to be respectful. Cut him a break.  Thankfully this gets put down quick with Tom explaning he wants to be better for himself: Like last time he was inspired by her trying to be better herself, and wants to.. but as we’ve established.. he dosen’t know HOW to be nice or a better person. He wasn’t raised in an enviroment that was really condusive to that as nice as his own parents are. Their the exception to the underworld being mostly dicks not the rule, as we’ll see next time. I.. can relate with my own issues with anxiety , depression and, yes, anger. I too have trouble keeping it in and hate feeling bitchy all the time or depressed and just want it to stop. I think anyone with a mental ilness just wants it to STOP to be gone and to be able to live a happy life. But there’s no magic button that fixes your issues, your traumas or your mental health like that. No pill that can fix it just ones that help ease it down to managable. And as i’ve learned the hard way YOU have to work at it, YOU have to make the effort. There’s no easy way out. And while Tom thinks htere is here, it’s very clear it’s a huge risk, and Star’s right that he shoudlnt’ go thorugh with it and that he could seriously hurt himself. But Tom’s in pain and just wants to be happy, to be normal, to be not angry anymore and I gotta tell you if , even if it was risky, there was a way to cure my depression or anger issues or anxiety, not my atuisim tha’ts part of me and not something that needs a fucking cure just more understanding and awarness, but if I could cure those other three things? I would. It’s paart of me sure but it’s a part of me I HATE. So I understand why tom’s doing this even despite the danger: because he’s at his wits end, desperate and this will help he hopes.. it can’t get WORSE, so why not? Evne if he’s wrong here i’ts hard not to understand why he’s so stubborn about it , for me at least.  Star leaves, and takes Ponycloak with her and they go to punch trees: Both to relive and because Pony hates tree. Probably because she went to tree court once and they tried to send her to tree jail. 

I mean she’ll probably get thrown back in there for this but still. Anyways the exerocisim comes. And NOW we can talk about this cult and.. while I understand why they never came back, they were really only necessary for this, I wish they had. I mean a mysterious cult with the power to restrain someone as strong as tom, acess to anti-magic chains the ONLY time we see something like this outside of the comission, and a hatred of demons includign referring to Tom as “Son of the blight” meaning they clearly hate and would destroy Wrathmelor if they could, yet also function as a perfectly legal orginzation the comission or the lucitors themselves haven’t swatted yet. There’s a LOT to unpack here they never did. The leader is also hliarious alteranting between creepy overlord and your dentist after a long apointment as a kid. But the ritual begins and it .. dosen’t go well with tom getting glowy blue lines and thrashing about.. just like me when i watched Ridciulous 6. I also felt my soul was leaving my body but that was just wishful thinking. The cultists run and star runs back to Tom and we get a truly powerful and romantic scene. Unable to free him, Star just.. holds him and is there for him as he goes through this. If she can’t help him she’ll be there for him. And it’s really touching.  We then cut to the hosptial tent at the cult, where the leader goes back to dad mode. Tom feels .. well worse, he just had surgery, as someone who had a tooth yanked out last month I can relate, and is suprised to see only one tiny soul demon as the sum of his anger. But it turns out, NOPE, being you know, the son of a rather powerful demon with a rather pwoerful b loodline, he’s FULL of them, and it woudl take 13 years to do this.. and tom’s naturally bummed because no one wants the equipvlent of having a wisdom tooth pulled a week for over a decade. Also because he now can’t get better.. but Star gently reassures him he’s already on the right track just by wanting to. As I said with most mental issues.. there’s no easy way out but it can get better if you put the work in and tom realizes.. there’s no quick way out after all. Just a long road.. but h’es not alone on it anyomore. But he at least gets a tiny demon in a jar and a toy out of the toychest for being a good boy.. and that’s nto me making shit up that’s the actual episode with him and star taking pinwheels and holding hands to Ponyhead’s annoyance. Which okay yeah they had a bad time last time I get tat Pony.. but your the last person to question ANYONE’S life decisions. Still I wish we’d had ane pisode of pony growing to accept them so we at least know WHY she’s so against it but oh well. 

Final Thoughts: This was a good one. Is it hte best the show’s put out? Probably not as the first part drags slightly but the second half at the demoncisim is just good character stuff, good comedy, and has a good payoff. I honestly like this way more on the second watch.  Though part of that is the context of the time: I admitted to being a starco shipper and having her get back with tom just felt like your standard “put a character in a relationship to complicate the main pairing” bullshit I always hate at this stage. Before anyone relaizes they like each other? Sure but at this point it was clearly just to drag things out. However with Marco getting progressivley worse and the two having good chemsitry.. I grew to like em.. and by the season finale, I just shipped all three together, before pivoting to marco and kelly. This couple grew on me for reasons w’ell geti nto as we go, even if it ended bad for reasons we’ll again get into. Oh we’ll get into them. With a knife. But yeah overall a great episode with a great concept, good character stuff, and some REALLY fucking funny gags. The show is damn good at comedy and I forget it sometimes. Next time we look at Tom, he’ll be in the background as Marco tries to help Kelly with a breakup. And sometime this month we’ll be looking at the halloween special which i’ll be watching for the very first time! So stay tuned, stay safe and Happy Halloween. 

[zimanddibdiary]

How have you been? I don't know if you're planning on returning to this blog, but either way, I'm wishing you well!

HEY HEY!!! Ty for checking in~ I’m doing fine, I hope you all are doing good yourselves!!!💕💖✨✨✨✨✨

To start- I MISSED YOU GUYS!!!!! AND RUNNING THIS BLOG, TY FOR ALL THE LIKES AND REBLOGS WHILE I WAS AWAY!!! WELCOME NEW COMERS AS WELL~!!

Second, despite the 3 long months of hell I went through, I finally have a working display tablet! I love it, it’s v nice and im happy to have it again~ that being said, it’s possible I might have worked my last tablet to death, on top of the other issues; it was essentially a defect, ironically, but I was using it so much I bet that didn’t help at all!

Anyone who has followed this blog since it started could tell you I worked my ass off every week (over the weekend especially) making art/posts, I loved it dearly but I also severely neglected my mental and physical health, I’ve been doing that for many years now and I’ve finally come to terms with it and I’m actively handling it! :)

That being said! I had to take a bit of time away from the blog, social media in general and focus on other things until i was ready to tackle this again~ a big aspect i needed in my life was balance; I was drawing way too much, i needed to take more breaks and draw less excessively, I still draw but im mainly focusing on the technical stuff and some ideas for future things like merchandise!

For the amount of hours it took to do a reply on here was pretty long, i simply don’t have that kind of time anymore, it’d probably take 2-3 weeks to reply once at that pace I go now (I’m really retaining myself for the time being to break the habit of sitting at my desk 9+ hrs for 3 days straight! LOL it’s not easy!)

However!!! I don’t particularly want to stop running this blog, it’s been a blast honestly ~ I’ve given myself a good amount of time to dwell on it and I came to the semi-conclusion to continue the blog as if it were more of an ‘interactive fanfic!” lmfao similarly to the text post I’d make when i was busy working, with perhaps more details if I can pull it off! And maybe i can draw lil ideas like I’ve done previously when i have the time.

The reason it took me so long to reveal this is because i feel like a lot of you came here for the art, amongst other things and I created the blog for the art as well so I feel a little upset to take that aspect away, but I’ve read all the fanfic on ZADR out there and im at the point where it’s like ‘Shit I gotta start creating content for it now don’t I?’ I still really enjoy the story I had going on for these two and I’d like to see how far I can go with it~ and without the art holding me back time-wise, I may be able to see it through not only faster but for longer and that sounds so exciting to me!

How about you guys?? ^^ would you be interested in something like this?? I sincerely miss you all and the joy this blog brought us, to be able to bring it back would be pretty awesome I think! Hehe Sorry this is so excruciatingly long, I felt I owed you guys an explanation and a huuuuuge thank you for just, everything!! Let me know what you think if you’d like, I’ll probably reboot the blog soon and see where it goes, I have sort of fallen out of IZ a lil and I wanna try to get in again as a side hobby(I’m really working on the whole variety thing in my life now lol) but a lil feed back never hurts! Thanks again everyone~!!💖✨✨✨✨✨

[tokutib]

I didn't know what the Philippines was like before I was born, I'll keep it from my parents experience for now.

Whenever we visit the province, my parents, (on their respective province) will tell me stuff of their time. The rivers are clean enough to drink and bathe in, few houses, streets that aren't smooth, and the like. I was born and raised in the urban side of this country. Back when I was a child, I wanted to visit Japan, mainly because of anime, for it was my childhood. It got me envious on Japanese people living in Japan. I love my home, I really do, I like the garden, how the Atis tree withstand the typhoons when I looked by the window by those times. I like nature overall, I wished to live in a tree, carved as a house. I'm that type of person. I enjoy visiting the province, it makes me feel calm and I could rest easy, compared to the urban area. It saddens me that the people wants to urbanize the provinces. I mean, it's a good thing in a way but, I don't like certain things about high-technology. Not all technology considers the waste it provides, it bothers me that it's still a problem, a major problem. I want to renew the country bit by bit, but I can't do it the normal way, of going to college, community, or socially... Because I'm that weak, I just want to grow in a place where people could live their lives. I want to shout, be emotionally whenever I want to where neighbors won't mind, I want to walk around, sightsee and breathe good air. I want to be able to pass by clean rivers, as well as bathe in them. I don't like children because I don't know what to do with them, but I don't hate them, they are precious and so are other people/ living things. I want to be forgotten, I don't care, as long as the next generation could live their life, I want them see that the world is beautiful not solely by human beings but by nature/life. There are a lot of things to consider, human nature, the nature of all things living and non-living. if I do have children, I want them to do what they want with good morals, enough to not hate or offend anybody. I want them to love life, not the life given by society. People who thinks too much will never be happy, people enjoy life whenever they don't think about it and just live. Cool stuff mustn't be a priority, figuring and considering the waste of all resources/ products and the like is a major factor in life. Individuals will die by their own forever, that is why, I hate due dates, people should be on their own pace, learn and work at their own pace, walk on their own pace, they shouldn't be shackled to other people's pace, society's pace, people should walk on their own pace, because time is relative, people are built different one way or another, they want it to be cold when it's hot and warm when it's too cold, they will grow to their surroundings and master it enough to live thru it, and I believe that people should continuously go in and out of other people's lives, no one should be stuck, both parties should agree with each other if they want to be together or if the party should distance themselves from the other to not issue any harm to the other party, and they should communicate to the point where it's not creepy to do so. There are so many things that people do, but honestly, they shouldn't mind what other people prefer, when it doesn't affect them. I want to have faith that humanity has hope, life is beautiful but never pretty. I don't want to give up, but I'm acting that I do almost everyday. I want the world to be a better place. Somehow, someday, I don't have to live in it, I just want the ones who do/ will experience a better place than the place where I experience.

These are just thoughts, but these are the kind of thoughts I think most of the time, my other thoughts are way too personal and involves mental health as well, a topic I don't want to tackle because there a lot of people who are tackling it, and the more it is said, the more I don't like to live, I want them to confide to themselves for they will always live themselves. When you like who you are, never let anyone break you, you break yourself, so mind yourself time to time, it's bad to do it all the time, because by then, you will forever be cautious with how you act that it will stress you out completely to the point of major depression.

I went out of topic in some areas, but... Yeah...

My grammar isn't the best but my thoughts isn't having good grammar either hahaha, as long as you get the message, I say that that is successful communication :)

Laugh, cry, scream, release yourself, it's like taking a dump ಠ◡ಠ...(-_-;) you gotta shit at least once a day to remove that body waste out of your body \(ϋ)/♩

[bookenders]

Storyteller saturday! What was the first thing you knew that /had to be/ included in your wips? What's special about it? What is giving your motivation to work on your current projects? What's a neat worldbuilding thing you came up with?

Storyteller Saturday!

Hey hey @timefire25! Thanks so much for the asks, friend!

I’m gonna tackle these fantastic questions in order: 

[H2H = Heart to Heart

FF = Fish Food

AOPC = All Our Painted Colors

TND = The Neither Days]

1.  What was the first thing you knew that /had to be/ included in your wips?

H2H: Lesbians. Happy, live-beyond-the-end-of-the-story lesbians who can do magic and are ridiculously wholesome. Also: a strong, loving community; social commentary; enough fluff to stuff a whole set of pillows; cool science stuff.

FF: Humor! Without it, this story would be super duper way too dark. Also, lots of social commentary on… *checks notes*

That. And legit depictions of mental health issues.

AOPC: A culture centered around ART. I love art. And stories.

TND: Okay so there’s this one scene coming up that’s super rad and I��m really excited about it. It’s been in my head since the beginning and it’s like, the second scene I thought up. I love the imagery and the symbolism and the feelings. It’s great.

2. What’s special about it?

H2H: Sometimes you need to read something that will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Fluff makes the world go ‘round, ya know? And lesbians gotta survive. Also, I’m passionate about found families, which is why the story has one at its very center. I love writing stories about people who don’t feel at home somewhere, so they find with other people who feel the same and call a new place theirs. It’s an important thing to learn: there’s always somewhere for you, and always someone out there who can catch your drift. 

FF: Stories like this one are ways to see the truth of reality. Okay, that sounded super intense. What I mean is that this is a story about a group of people who have been used coming together to fight back against a system that’s doing its best to tear them down. Including accurate and respectful depictions of mental health in this story is important to me, too. I feel like this genre is a great place to explore that. 

Also, I need to work on my humor writing so that’s pretty special, I guess. 

AOPC: I loved the idea of a culture based on art. What do they value? How to they keep records of events and their history? How do they share information? What do they hold dear? It’s sort of my own version of the Legato Conservatory, for those who listen to TAZ. I don’t know of any other fantasy cultures 100% centered on art, either. It’s a story about storytelling and all the ways you can use it. And I think that’s pretty special.

TND: The metaphor and the symbolism, with the context of the canon, is so full of feels it makes my heart clench. It’s an unexpected coming together, a reaching out of two hands that meet in the middle while the world spins off-kilter around them. It’s an oh and a gasp in the same breath. It’s a fall that feels like flying.

That’s about as poetic as I can get without spoilers.

3.  What is giving your motivation to work on your current projects?

Right now, not much, to be honest. It’s midterms time and I’m a grad student, so life is pretty much study hell right now. But my stories are my creative therapy, so I expect I’ll start writing again pretty soon after all my business chills out. 

But on the regular: I really want to tell everyone about the big giant spoilers and how they happen in H2H, and one of the big confrontation scenes in FF (seriously, it’s a huge twist I don’t think a lot of people will see coming - one of them anyway 😉), and I want to figure out what the hell happens next in AOPC, and in TND, I really want to get to the switched POV chapter because it’s full of mutual pining and it offers a lot of really good insight into one character’s head (it’s my motivation to finish this transition chapter too because it’s taking forever).

4.  What’s a neat worldbuilding thing you came up with?

H2H: The magic types I developed are pretty cool! Astromancy, Totem Magic, Sigilcrafting, and Pact Magic. There are a few others, but that’d be spoilers, my friend. Making these info posts was also very fun. I got to do nerdy research about magic and science! 

And something I haven’t mentioned yet: liminal spaces are very important in this story! The town of Linsay is a liminal space. Gemma’s house is a liminal space. The police station is a liminal space for Oz. The lake is a liminal space. This is important: transformation takes place at liminal places. Magic is strongest there. The old is left behind and the new is just ahead. And the fae inhabit liminal spaces.

FF: I made a WIP page that mimics the Coalition of Heroes’ database! It took forever and it was really hard but I did it! And I think it looks rad. 

In-world, hmm… I really like Lithium’s bar. It’s a place that’s like a hero-themed TGI Friday’s or Red Robin, and it’s also the hangout for off-duty heroes. They all chill there like it’s a cop bar for officers who are all undercover. It’s great. None of the civilians who go there know that they’re sitting next to high level super heroes. And Lithium thinks it’s hilarious.

AOPC: There are so many cool worldbuilding things in this story. One is the marriage ceremony I made up. The couple stands before the Namestone and the most senior Elder binds the bride’s left hand to the groom’s right. Then the men of the tribe line up behind the groom, and the women line up behind the bride. They’re ordered so the people closest to them, like family and lifelong friends, are first. One by one, the women dip their right hands in purple paint and mark the bride’s back with their hand print. The men do the same with green paint on the groom’s back.

After everyone’s marked the bride and groom, the Elder blesses the couple, holds their foreheads together, and then they turn around and press their backs together, mixing the paint and blending the colors together. The party starts as soon as their hands are unbound. 

TND: Since most of the worldbuilding for this has already been done by the canon, here are a few recurring story threads I’m working with: Crowley vs. ducks, liminal spaces being the most comfortable and calming, “a good shock to loosen the tongue,” and the kinds of miracles that don’t work. 

Thank you so much for these awesome questions!! 💜

I’ll add my tag lists since there’s a lot of information worth tagging about:

H2H

WIP Intro Post | H2H WIP Tag | Character Page | WIP Page | PowerPoint Intro

Character Tags: Gemma | Mel | The Ladies | Fred Coriander | Officer Oz

OC Intros: Harry | Mary | Oz | Jill | Treena | Fred | Gemma | Mel

H2H Tag List: @katekyo-bitch-reborn, @cawolters, @wasting-ink-not-youth, @quilloftheclouds, @snickertoodles, @mvcreates, @writeness, @half-explored, @dcdarrells, @aslanwrites, @minusfractions, @purpleshadows1989, @royalbounties, @waterfallwritings, @the-clockwork-anything, @kriss-the-writing-nerd, @abalonetea, @timefirewrites, @tricksexual, @introspective-outreach, @alternativeforensicscientist, @sumoranges, @hermiones-writeblrr

[Let me know if you want to be added or removed!]

AOPC

AOPC Tag List: @quilloftheclouds, @snickertoodles, @half-explored, @chemistwriter, @purpleshadows1989, @waterfallwritings, @kriss-the-writing-nerd, @abalonetea, @alternativeforensicscientist, @hermiones-writeblrr

FF

WIP Intro Post | FF WIP Tag | WIP Page | PowerPoint Intro

Character Tags: Iron Will | Overseer | Lithium | Babylon | Nightmare | Sparkplug

OC Intro Post:  Phase 1 | Phase 2

Individual Intros:

Phase 1 (Main Cast): Iron Will | Overseer | Lithium |  Babylon | Nightmare

Phase 2 (Supporting Cast): Sparkplug | Battalion | Ferro

***

[Let me know if you want to be added or removed!]

Fish Food Tag List:  @theevolutionofledarose, @kriss-the-writing-nerd, @quilloftheclouds, @waterfallwritings, @dontwritethatone, @aeschknight, @abalonetea, @ladywithalamp, @writevevo, @danger-writes, @anika-writes-things, @sunlight-and-starskies, @writing-every-other-star, @shadeshadow234, @jaimistoryteller, @leave-her-a-tome, @dowings, @alternativeforensicscientist, @sumoranges, @notanalien51, @hermiones-writeblrr​

TND

Link to Story | Story Tag

TND Tag List: @every-book-has-a-secret, @at-thezenith, @ofinkblotsandscript, @alternativeforensicscientist, @abalonetea