#and I don't wanna have to join another forum for it

[vilevampire]

it's so funny how I've seen multiple jazzllocer shippers say something like "I'm the biggest jazzllocer fan (because there's no one else to take this spot)" like I swear I've seen at least a few people say smth to that effect or something that implies it and I'm just like . guys . guys we can't ALL be the #1 jazzllocer shipper that's just not how it works

[miapcain]

Your game is so cool, I wanna make games myself someday too. Is unity good? I've heard some bad stuff about the CEO...

That depends heavily on what you want to do. Unity is fine, Unreal is fine, Godot is fine, but each has different strengths and weaknesses (another way to phrase it, having used Unity a lot personally and Unreal a lot professionally, would be "Unity is awful and Unreal is also awful, but you can get by in both"). If you want to make a 3D action game, probably learn Unreal; I use Unity for mine because I like writing in C#, but for an absolute beginner, Godot script and Unreal's blueprints are probably both easier to learn. Don't listen to anyone who tells you Unity is somehow easier, the only real strengths it has in a vacuum is much better online documentation, better access to HLSL shader stuff, better version control, and kind of better live coding than Unreal; a lot of stuff that's easy in Unreal takes absolutely forever to do in Unity.

Other tips: Join game jams and work with other people, make friends who do similar things to what you want to do; Don't make the game you really want to do until much later than you think, you will burn out running into issues, make tiny tiny tiny projects first; Learn what sources to trust for input. A lot of unreal tutorials on youtube are really terrible and will teach you bad practices, forums will tend to be better, friends who are already versed in the software are often a much better bet, but don't expect to learn anything without a lot of experimenting first; Don't expect to make any money off it, at least for a long time.

Best of luck

[peppy-jester]

Respond to the following prompts out of character, then tag others you'd like to get to know a little bit better.

Roleplayer name: Beanie

Roleplayer pronouns: She/Her, They/Them. But I'm okay people using any pronounce, don't get my panties in a twist. Loving how few of my online friends calls me 'dude'. So go wild~

Muse name(s): Fizzarolli on this blog. Mammon @unhinged-greedAnd there is a dead multimuse blog, don't know what I'm gonna do with it.

Preferred communication: Discord or IM's. Both used mostly chatting, maybe random roleplays happens there what I don't wanna bring to here.

Experience: Just had a random discussion with my friends about this.. I've been roleplaying ever since 2007? Started in one Finnish forum roleplay which was get this.. All Boys School. And bit after that I was asked to join in Prince of Tennis (as Kikumaru) and Sergeant Keroro (as Tamama) rpc in Deviantart.

Preferred roleplay type: I like writing longer replies, multipara that is but shorter roleplays are also more than fine. I just let my muse take control while writing~

Pet peeves & dealbreakers: -Shipping. Okay hear me out! Yes I love shipping! Hell at times fanon and crack ships are better than canon, but my god shipping is NEVER the first thing in my mind! You see me shipping Fizz with Asmodeus of course, doesn't mean I am gonna ship with EVERY Asmodeus. Same goes with Blitzø, where I love BlitzFizz as a ship I fucking love them as best friends! The ones who shares one braincell at times! I hate forcing people to ship with you just because you want your canon or OC muse to be fucked by ANY of my muses. Just respect this. I'm not into mature themed unless drama~ Mammon is not up for shipping unless it's with Asmodeus and there is only one I'm shipping him with.

-Ship wars being one as well. I let people ship who they want (unless pedo) and I don't go and harass anyone over ships.

-Also people not reading the rules! I literally can see when people haven't done this. And as a deal breaker, people who keeps evading my blocks! If I blocked even ONE of your blogs do not evade the blog just to jump in on another just to pursue contacting me IC or OOC. I am selective for a reason.

-Sharing your own opinion should be legal and not something you get attacked over by batshit crazy fans. I have so many things that I hate about Canon Helluva Boss, people would witch hunt me down if I shared them lmao.

-People stealing ideas is another thing. Sure there isn't too many original ideas but I mean like I've been planning some stuff with mutuals just so they ghost me and pursue those ideas with another person with same muse. Like, thanks. Highly appreciate this!

-Spreading OOC drama. Just stop. Leave me alone. I'm here to have fun because life itself sucks ass.

There are lot more but... shhh, let me just stop here :')

Best time to write: For me it depends on my work schedule more than time of the day. When it's my day off I'm here writing replies (unless dead tired, I'm sleeping) all day long. But absolute best time for me is earlier in the morning or later at evening/night.

Are you like your muse? . . . . Our cooking skills matches. One reason I prefer to buy food that is easy to warm up in a microwave or in oven. Also we ain't straight in this house~

Tagged by; @hellsmayflower

Tagging; @rapid-as-sass-in-nation-team @blitzbuckz @blitz0craze @houseofasmodeus @the-delightful-temptation @infxnatum @strikers-saloon and whoever wants to do this ;;

[acircusfullofdemons]

Hello Luka! I’m contemplating making a toyhouse and a wondering what the experience? community?? is like over there. The only “art hosting” sites I have previous experience with is DeviantArt and Instagram. I’d like to post my art again, and don’t really want to do it here on tumblr. The organization feature on toyhouse has appeal (being able to organize fan art vs MaDD art is nice!) but I’m not sure if that’s what toyhouse is really for? There seems to be a heavy focus on art/trades and adopts. Is that the predominate activity/expectation on the site? Is it mainly OC centered, or is fandom related content welcomed too?

I ADORE Toyhouse! I check the site almost daily lol. Lemme break this ask down for ya:

Community

There are forums you can engage with/talk in. idk how those are bc ... I don't talk to people but!! the vibe seems generally nice & most of it is encouraging one to talk about their OCs. idk I didn't join to socialize lmao.

Trades & Adopts

It's a big feature of the site, for sure. I wouldn't say trading is the expectation, though. I've come across loads of people who just wanna share their OCs, me included. There's even multiple different ways to clarify if your characters are up for trade or not!

RP is another draw I think, there's a lot of forum threads looking for RP partners. So it's not like people are ONLY here to switch around OCs lol. I would not have joined if that was the vibe tbh.

Fandom v. OC

Toyhouse's Rules/TOS actually cover this! Short answer, no, it's just for OCs. Technically. Fan OCs & Canon Inspired OCs are allowed, but even so you gotta be careful with Canon Inspired characters:

We allow canon-inspired characters specifically where it's clear they're an original character who has been inspired by the canon content, rather than AU fanart and fanfic of a canon character. As long as your character has their own name, and a profile/design that reflects they're intended to be individual from the canon character and are not literally the canon character, they should be fine to upload. Adding some background to the character's profile to explain who they are will help a lot to ensure they don't get mixed up.

But like. between u & me. I don't think they look super closely unless someone reports the character. so even if ur SUPER worried about that, there's the option of making the character private.

Other

I will warn you, toyhouse is invite-only, and getting a code to make an account is. unreasonably hard. especially for how long the site has been in "beta" but I digress. the ability to generate codes is only for premium members, otherwise I would've offered the entire madd community one.

OH!!! there's also the coding. it's not required by any means, but you can edit the code of your profile & OC's bio! there's a lot of cool/fancy templates to pick.

I have a lot of fun on there, though. It's like, the closest I've gotten to making a "paracosm wiki" that I'm actually satisfied with.

[rottenraccoons]

Ah sorry, I didn't scroll down far enough to see you basically already answered my question 😅 sorry about that. I have another question then if you don't mind; how exactly do you get into doing a visual novel/otome game? Are there discord servers or groups I can join to learn/find a team? I don't know where to start but if like to try I think

(The first ask was about our art process, for context)

Hey, this sounds like a chance to talk more about making games! Consider this a sequel to our post about getting started with a VN engine!

There are a few ways to get started making games, depending on how you wanna do things. One way is to start or join a project. A lot of VNs come from "closed" groups like Rotten Raccoons, where our team is consistent and we don't make open calls for more members. But a lot of great projects come from teams where some or all of the devs are recruited onto a single project: Ballads at Midnight was produced by a dev team that came together for this one project; GB Patch's games all share the same creative lead, but they hire other developers on a game-by-game basis (if I remember correctly!). If you start following VN devs who work in the genres you like, you'll start seeing the odd recruitment post doing the rounds.

Another option is to start or get recruited for a project through other channels. The Lemmasoft forums have a recruitment and services offered section, and most VN dev discords have recruitment and services offered channels. Which Discord servers you go to depends on what kinds of games you want to make; since I (Violet) make romance games I personally use the Otome Dev (discord link in bio) and Amare Dev (discord link at the bottom of the post) servers. Look for servers in genres you like, or even just general VN servers, and you will be able to advertise your services or find actively recruiting projects.

There are always projects being produced, but there is usually more recruiting around the big VN game jams. We made Obscura for Otome Jam (romance games with a female MC and male LIs, though other options are allowed), which took place in May and June last year and is likely to happen again this year. If you'll looking to start soon, a great game jam to consider is NaNoRenO, where a solo dev or team gets one month (March) to make a VN. It's hosted by the Lemmasoft forums but recruitment happens everywhere. There is basically always a VN game jam going on or coming up, so if you start hanging out in community spaces you'll start getting a feel for the jam calendar.

Basically, the VN dev community loves making games and will invent any excuse to make more games. Hang out in general VN dev spaces or pick a genre niche and make yourself at home. You'll start finding like-minded folks who wanna make a game happen, especially starting around mid-February for NaNoRenO (and mid-every other month for other upcoming jams).

[silver-wield]

yoo I don't know if you've heard it? I used to join an ancient forum for LTD on "the lifestream" website. It's usually filled with so called "original" debaters in FF7. I'm a new player and even went ahead to give a long ass reply and I based it all from what I've learned from creative writing and really, comprehension. I separated my personal views (but told it) to what I think the writers intended. This was after I opened my mind to all and every possible opinion about the game and it's characters. But I'll tell you this. They're pathetic. They call themselves "experts" or anyone who's been on it for decades, looking down on shippers. Oh btw same people who post on shinra archive. They made a new forum for ltd and at first for a long while, they really focused on cloti. Every single time c/a was presented? Tbh no matter how much they talk about it? It was easy to refute. But still NOBODY WANTED TO ACCEPT IT BECAUSE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER THEY'LL STILL FIND AWAY TO PUSH C/A IN EVEN IF LOGIC DOESN'T PERMIT THEM. then came the trailer. Oh let me tell you, the moderator and almost everyone were celebrating. Celebrating because for the first time in decades they won't be accused of being cloti biased. Celebrating that they can now say he liked both women or was attracted to both. And new c/as came flooding in. Apparently they want apology for blankbeat and everyone because that trailer proves that c/a is the main couple, and she is the main heroine. Yada yada. And after that every single information they can find they connect it to aerith. Like C is in love with A in AC no question asked, that clotis should just accept both are valid. Some tried to refute but alas it's pointless. Why am I saying this? .... For a forum filled with those who "know" the game. They sure lack so much media literacy. They've secretly like the toxic environment of a non-debate as LTD. For decades they couldn't find an answer? Lol it's because they don't want to. It's their personality, their life. Otherwise why stay on a debate when you know what's canon, when you know there are rules to storytelling. Or do they know? Have their brains rotted to the point they just want to say both are valid? Lol. There were more stupid points what have you but in the end I realized I needed to leave it. I was talking to people who entertain the idea of flat earth despite knowing in their faces that earth is round. Stupid and foolish as I was. But unlike them, at least I didn't have to live in that forum for decades searching for an answer that was already answered. They don't even know about the leak though, but GAD ARE THEY SO PATHETIC. They don't even know what a proper debate is lmao and complain why it still exists.. I want to say "it's also because of you! You don't want it to end really!".

They banned me for saying Aerith's stalking in chapter 8 was toxic and if the roles were reversed nobody would think it's cute, so 🤷

I wouldn't think much of them being assholes. They'll be backtracking hard when they realise they were wrong. People like that just don't wanna look dumb, but they do because they can't accept canon isn't what they say.

[hollowfaith]

[ indigo ]  when did you first start writing / roleplaying?

[ plum ]  are you more of a dialogue or a description writer?

[ mulberry ]  what tips would you give someone with writer's block?

[ coral ]  give a shoutout to one of your favorite blogs.

🐝  *  ―  𝑪𝑶𝑳𝑶𝑼𝑹𝑭𝑼𝑳 𝑰𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑽𝑰𝑬𝑾. ( send one or more of these to get to know the person behind the blog a little better. )

(these are going to get long so i'll put a readmore to spare the dashboard lol)

[ indigo ]  when did you first start writing / roleplaying?

for writing (stories) i'd say in early middle school when i realized fanfiction was a thing. before that i just did a lot of journaling, or i'd finish a trip with family and write a long essay about everything we did on the trip. anyways when the fanfic itch hit i wrote obsessively and even titled my story journals as i finished them so i could keep them in chronological order. (like i had one named after spring, another for summer, fall, winter, etc. and then a series named after favorite gemstones x flowers). i think i filled 40+ notebooks of various sizes by high school? they're still somewhere in the basement at my parents' place probably.

then i found ff.net and realized people posted their stuff online so i tried that a bit, and when ff.net started getting dated i moved onto ao3. i don't have as much energy or drive to write the crazy crossover AUs i used to do but it's still nice to post there, or make up original short stories for fun. anyways TL;DR i'm always writing something somewhere sometime~

for RP i wanna say...early 2000s? back when forum RPs were a thing. and i don't mean the fancy kind they have now where you can custom-theme your posts, but just plain message boards where you started a topic to make "threads" and replies to that thread made up your interactions, and the rest of the board was divided up so you had locations in one place and character profiles in another, etc etc. they were everywhere and constantly opening and shutting down so i went everywhere too, lol. also signed up for this digimon PbEM RP group where they had a plotline and an all-original crest lineup but you had to make up your own digidestined and digimon and apply to join. then we'd RP on a word doc and email it to the next person in the group to get the story going. it was sooo old school but it was genuinely fun. i also applied to join a livejournal MFRP group but got rejected because my app wasn't good enough hahaha that got me a little scarred so i hid away from MFRP for awhile

(also a special bonus to the time my friends and i RPed as neopets faeries in a composition book we'd pass around in school between periods.)

for tumblr RP i think it was like 2014 or 2015 after a RP hiatus? the messageboards were dead or dying by then and heck if i was going to learn livejournal and its weird system so i joined some ancient chinese themed MFRP group with a similar chinese drama-inspired muse but that shut down within a month so i wandered around until i found a bigger more active group and stuck around there. and now i'm on and off here. :)

[ plum ]  are you more of a dialogue or a description writer?

when it comes to RP, i think i lean more towards description because i need to give context to my muse's lines. but for stories i'm more dialogue heavy, and i enjoy writing exchanges back and forth between characters.

[ mulberry ]  what tips would you give someone with writer's block?

i don't know if i'm the best person to ask but when i'm stuck on writer's block i work on a different...writing project..... you know they all have different vibes and stuff so a change of scenery gives the mind a break and stuff? it's good.

and it works because i still wanna write, i just don't want to write for Thing A so why not Thing B lol.

it also helps to find a focus, most of my writing block woes come because i don't know where/what to do next, so maybe i find a song, a pretty quote, or an icon that gives me the right "vibes" for what i want to express and think up the rest of the post from that.

it also helps to have a smaller goal to work towards even if you don't know how the ending will turn out. for example, if in a thread my A is interacting with your B and i think to myself "well according to what i've read in B's app he'd prolly hate A and think him a prick, so it'd be interesting if A gets a chance to showcase his prick side in this thread eventually," then i'd insert stuff into my replies to gradually make A more annoying and play off what B replies to work towards that "goal."

of course since RP is directed by both sides those mini-goals sometimes get sidetracked, but then it's fun to see in what new direction we take the interaction instead haha

[ coral ]  give a shoutout to one of your favorite blogs.

i can’t stress enough how helpful quotes/musings blogs are for like aesthetics or muse inspirations for me and the nice thing is most of them are still around even if they haven’t updated in years so HERE HAVE THIS POST WITH LINKS TO A BUNCH MORE GREAT MUSINGS POSTS BLOGS

[sepyana]

Revolutionary Girl Utena (Sega Saturn) Playthrough: Part 2

The adventure continues! Sanjouin Chigusa sure is mysterious huh?

Note: I didn't add screenshots of the shower scenes. They should be on ohtori.nu gallery though. You can also look at their forum archive for the english patch.

The student council has a meeting about the whole duel challenge situation. They have us join too.

Utena mentions how having a meeting outside at night is a dumb idea. Touga admits this is for the aesthetic, so gotta stay in the cold Utena. Sanjouin is a new student so I guess it makes sense that they can't recognize her. I'm gonna assume she had a differen't outfit and haircut.

Saionji is suspicious of us. It would be understandable if it weren't for everyone seeing Sanjouin running away. Utena (and chu-chu) comes in to defend us, that's in character for her.

After the meeting we go back home. We don't have a bed yet sadly. When we mention that to Utena she allows us to sleep next to her. I checked out the other option (sleeping on the floor) and Chu-chu ends up sleeping next you for the night so you don't feel lonely. He gets all red once we give him a smooch on the cheek. What an adorable lil guy honestly.

In the morning we get to talk with Wakaba again. She asks who is in our radar currently. I'm definitely picking Utena. Wakaba is her wife though, so we'll just have to be a mistress along with Anthy. The game allows us to pick one other person. I'm not really interested in the boys, I like them as characters but they do seem annoying to talk to. I might do their routes once I finish this though. So yeah I gave my vote to Juri.

I wasn't expecting to see her at my class, there is no way she is 14. Well, as it turns out, she isn't. She has missed 3 years of school because of an illness. I don't buy it personally.

Poor girl has to mention she is a woman. That doesn't stop every girl in class falling in love with her though.

During class we have to answer a question. We're not sure so Sanjouin whispers the answer to us. I don't trust her so I go with mine, which is the right one. I later went back here to see if I can get relationship points from her. Turns out we can. Her roses are black, It goes great with her colors I won't lie.

Also she says she doesn't remember us? Even tho she xalled us by our name? Asks who named us too. She said "So she is still alive?" when I told her it was my mother. Weird.

For some reason, I got my points lowered for every council member after this. I have no idea why? Is she spreading bad rumors about me or something? If you get closer to her you lose even more points. The game disincentivizes you from interacting with her.

"What the heck?"

We get to have a picnic with Utena and friends after class. Unfortunately, Anthy has made the food. We end up puking our guts out a few hours later.

We have an opportunity to go to one of the school clubs. I went to the fencing hall to talk to Juri. When the protag goes to the chalk white building she ends up finding ruins instead. We ask around to find the actual fencing hall. Juri make us join the practice. Best way to learn is to go for it, she says.

We get her to smile, too! This sweet moment is shortly broken by, of course, Sanjouin. Who challenges Juri to a duel and immediately shows her the locket she stole when Juri refuses. Pretty cruel.

We get to shower with Juri after this. We can either ask about her reason for dueling or about her locket. I feel like it's too early to talck about the locket. I pick the first option and she starts rambling about miracles again. I've always found that to be annoying early on. That plot point gets mostly dropped later in the show, thankfully.

We go to check around the square for gym clothes. We bump into who else but Sanjouin. We get the chance to talk to her a bit more.

I don't wanna ask about a girlfriend to avoid another fiasco. She gets a bit surprised when we ask her about a boyfriend. Apparently, she is really popular with girls but never got a love letter from a boy, not one. She really emphasizes that last part. I do feel bad for her.

There are several places here we can visit. Cafe is for Utena, Japanese Teahouse is definitely for Saionji. Classical cafe is for Touga probably. I couldn't guess the last two. It would make more sense for Juri to be the gamer but It still feels a bit weird for her. I go the "Magnolia Cafe" Utena has mentioned before. They serve rose tea. I like rose flavored Turkish delight so rose tea sounds nice.

We come across Sanjouin again. This time she is waiting for her date. Her date being Kozue. Sanjouin really is like Mikage. Huh.

There are so many gay people on Ohtori yet everyone is homophobic. Internalized homophobia strong enough to melt glass.

We also have a shadow play. Nothing much of note outside of this delightful image. Theater kids.

Now, going back to the East dorm. School's cafereria hasmade too much food today so get to have extra. We can't eat this much, even with Chu-chu. You know what that means. We can invite someone over. I go with Juri.

Topic of Juri losing Utena comes up. Utena denies being actually stronger than her but Juri quickly shuts her down. I mean, they're both right. Juri is definitely the better duelist, but skill doesn't dictate the winner at all. Since the duels are suppose to be metaphors.

It's late but our protag can't sleep (me neither, I'm writing this at 4 am). We go outside to get some fresh air. Utena also couldn't sleep it seems. We get to play volleyball with her (I don't remember which sport). And then shower scene. Utena saying "no I'm normal" when accused of being gay is the funniest shit to me.

A shower always makes me sleepy. We fall asleep pretty much immediately.

Here comes Sanjouin with her date. She has been talking shit about us behind our back to her date. So that's cool. This doesn't go anywhere. I thought we would get more of Kozue because of what happens later (gonna have to put that in part 3) but no. They've just added this for the funsies. I respect it.

There is gym class today. We are in Utena's team. The other team is Sanjouin's. I thought Utena would win for sure but she loses the ball.

I'm gonna see this in my nightmares.

We manage to take the ball from her. Victory doesn't last long as we get hit in the chest pretty hard. Utena is just in the corner of our vision before we faint.

and... Scene!

I'll be rambling a lil bit before finishing this post. I have not talked about my theories at all during this. I didn't know where to put them. If you wanna form your opinions you should stop here ("^^)

.

.

.

I think this is suppose to be a Mikage situation. As you guys know, Mikage being Nemuro's ghost is a popular theory. I never liked it that much but it looks like that's what the show intended. Y'know, since he is an imaginary living body. Sanjouin is probably a similar case to him.

The old fencing hall reminded me of Nemuro memorial hall. That place turned back to ruins after Mikage left the place. The chalk building looked like it's old self when Sanjouin was in it. This would also explain the calendar from 15 years ago. It's possible she was in a love triangle with the protag's mother and father.

I think she loved the protag's father. She gets upset when we mention our mom. She also emphasizes how she never got a love letter from a boy. This would also explain why she hates us.

This also means this was Akio and Anthy's doing most likely. They're the only two with enough magic to do that. This game is just before the black rose arc. I guess she is a test run?

[noellevanious]

more bitching and moaning about twitter below the cut. god help me and my tendencies

see like. twitter and the attitude around it drives me nuts. like when you think about it or when you've been on this site for long enough. you see all the issues people on twitter complain about.

"it's really hard to curate a following on tumblr" no it fucking isn't. you just don't do anything besides post your art with 30 tags once, maybe twice, and hope somebody finds it. because on twitter people will just rt whatever the algorithm gives them. there's no community. if there is a community, it's from friends who already know eachother elsewhere. all the "interactions" i see on twitter are people apologizing cause other people are bitching them out, or friends that have been friends forever talking about stuff.

meanwhile almost everybody i've met i've met that i interact with, i met through tumblr in some way. my friends for the past 5 years since i got out of college? all originally from tumblr. all these people that i interact with? met them here. it's a little community of like-minded people who i cherish and appreciate even if, so far, our interactions are just text and images on a screen.

the entire fun of tumblr is the community aspect. we like promoting eachother. we like interacting with eachother. i've had more fun in the past year or so of being on this site than i've had on basically any forum.

like i follow artists that have dipped their toes back into tumblr after seeing them complain and whine and moan about "ohhh god i gotta go back to tumblr boohooo i have no clout there i get so fewer notes/reboggles/whatever" and. they like. post a single piece of their art a day. and then just. nothing. when the site is literally built around reblogs.

there's no algorithm in the "Good" "pure" way to experience the site. You meet friends with common interests, maybe through tags, maybe you already knew them. maybe you joined tumblr because of them. they reblog certain people. you reblog those posts. It's very natural. You find stuff you like, and people you like, and blogs you enjoy seeing. so you keep going. and that's how you start getting traction. you be genuinely funny or charming or talented.

and trust me. i get it. nobody's terminally online like me. you don't need to tell me that.

nobody else literally spends 90% of their time looking at the dashboard*. so it's just more "normal" people who check their twitter or tiktok or insta or whatever every now and then inbetween their work in their field. so like. this is all just small potatoes to them. they just want another outlet or avenue to share their media. more power to them.

but like. these websites suck shit. and current internet sucks shit. don't get on your high horse about waaaaah waaaah the shitty website that literally any moderately thought-out forum or webzone would put to shame, where the only interaction 90% of the time is trying to climb an imaginary internet ladder and be the Talk of the Town for 15 minutes so you can get a bunch of follows, is slowly crumbling around you, so there goes your small internet niche you carved (when in reality, if it had literally any weight or gravitas whatsoever, people would follow you to whatever outlet you move to).

It's a shitty fucking website. Let it burn. Tiktok is worse, Facebook is worse, Instagram is worse, but at least one shitty, advertiser-focused consumer-hating site is crumbling. That's good.

* (and trust me when i say that if i had my choice, i'd be like. in a full-time job. or my adhd would be solved so i could do creative stuff i wanna do, like make video essays, or write more, or draw more, instead of staring at this website so much)

[prouvaireafterdark]

Water, shadows, space!

Water: How did you start writing?

I'm honestly not sure! I've been writing in some form or another since at least 7th grade. I think it might have started as a school writing assignment and I found I really liked it so I just kept doing it for fun and writing original stories for myself, and joining forums where I could write with other people. Once I discovered fanfic, I started reading that a lot, and eventually I got so obsessed with Black Sails I decided to start writing again so I could explore things the show wasn't. Since then, I've been writing more and more :)

Shadows: What’s the darkest theme you’ve ever written about?

Definitely child abuse. I've written about it in my Michael Sanders AU series and about Lestat in Ancient Wounds So Deep and So Dear

Space: Where’s your favorite place to write?

I don't know that I have a favorite place to write, but I usually write in my bed or on my couch. I move to my actual desk when I really wanna get shit done though, haha

[horce-divorce]

screenshots edited for privacy bc MALS Pals is a private group; however, MALS is very poorly understood and putting all the best info we have about it behind an access barrier like a Facebook group (where you not only have to join both FB and the group, but then the information itself is haphazardly organized). likewise, you'll noticed these claims aren't sourced, which is noteworthy but not necessarily damning and I'll explain why in a second.

i read something in the group today that may be a huge game changer not just for me and other people who already have a MALS diagnosis, but for people with related conditions or who suspect they may have EDS. (if you've had persistent stomach pain for years, had the full gastro workup and everything comes back 'normal'? Have them look at your arteries next; MALS is an arterial compression that causes nerve damage and extreme pain and difficulty digesting, to such a degree that you can have panic attacks when attempting to eat & may wind up on a feed tube.)

it was actually wild to me to see this spelled out so well bc a lot of us have noticed the connection btwn things like MALS, EDS, POTS, endometriosis and other conditions, and it makes sense with stuff like POTS (both end up having vascular components that mean blood's not going where it needs to) and even with EDS, as explained here:

"he went looking for MALS (Dopper US) in his other EDS/immune/GI patients this summer and so far they're ALL coming back with the combo."

some others have pointed out in the comments that they'd really like to, you know, see any research about this, since the existing stuff doesn't seem to point towards an autoimmune component-- however, existing research is severely lacking, and this data may not be compiled yet. MALS is, again, rare, often overlooked, often complicated, and as a result, poorly understood.

as far as MALS Pals goes, it's a fantastic, indispensable treasure trove of information and resources; it is the reason I haven't quit facebook yet. I don't wanna lose my MALS Pals. but unfortunately some of the best information we have is info that's being shared privately between doctors and their patients, and then from the patients with the rest of the group. for example, we had a video somewhere of a doctor explaining the MALS + POTS connection in great detail, it was FASCINATING, and it was from a private conference/talk and thus not allowed to be shared outside of the group. which infuriates me, I'd love to have a MALS Pals forum where we can index this stuff, but that's a topic for another post.

so anyway, there were also people pointing out that often one of the issues with MALS is that, left untreated, it causes other arterial compressions (like SMAS) which are also hard to diagnose and can then go untreated as well; but there are tons of people (some even in the comments here as well!) who have had multiple MALS and other compression release surgeries, some who have even had "successful" surgeries (no compression shown on ultrasound, good blood flow, nerve damage addressed and so forth), but who still had GI symptoms and pain afterwards-- sometimes increased by the stress of surgery.

MALS surgery itself is wildly variable depending on which surgeon does it for you. The leaders in MALS treatment (Dr. Hsu) can get up to 80% "successful" surgeries, but as mentioned, that doesn't necessarily mean the patient was at any point effectively relieved of their pain and symptoms. meanwhile, other places (U of Mich) cite a 50% or less rate of success, and don't bother following up with other possible complications (they completely dismissed my concerns about looking for additional compressions in my own body); those are the cases where surgery also caused further complications and the patients recovered poorly.

anyway I just thought this was WAY too interesting to scroll past w/o saving for later reference. there are loads of resources in the files for this group, but some of the best information gets passed around in regular posts and comments and then buried by countless others. but there's a common thread with almost all of us struggling with MALS in these groups, and that's that we are piecing this together very largely on our own; there are only a VERY small number of doctors who are even acknowledging this, let alone researching it.

sorry there's no actual research involved, I'd like to see it, too. but it's something to keep an eye out for in coming years.

and again, I want to reiterate that if you have had the full gastro workup and your doctors are still throwing up their hands and saying nothing is wrong with your stomach, despite you being miserable and not being able to eat? it really might not be your stomach... it could be your veins and/or nerve damage, and the initial test to look at those arteries is just an ultrasound.

[izzysarchivedblogs]

Clint knows that admitting what he was feeling would basically saying the story of Tony's life. The man was one of the celebrity guys of the avengers, been dealing with being recognizable; known by people off the street and in public since he was child. He knows, for a fact, that the media and the government has tried to use the fact that Tony Stark, the Iron Man, was an alcoholic and than sober more often than once.

He had realized that he was going to have to face this scrutiny himself; risk having his name everywhere again. He recognized this once he had gotten into rehab, that he was lucky that Tony was paying for it. Hand selected where he was going. The people there all had their own varying degrees of worries, to which some confessed to in group, about their public image being sullied by their addiction.

It's not that Clint hasn't dealt with celebrity, public image, and reactions. Look at him joining the Avengers, being slammed with doubt because he was a criminal, never caught; public villain of Iron Man. Than there's the uproar when he was running with the Thunderbolts, his turning himself in and going to jail for the T-Bolts. Killing Bruce Banner, ensuring trial, and than the public praising him for that. RONIN, which he's looked online; seen the news articles and forums. It's not looking great.

Adding his alcoholism on top of the current stuff, that's going to hit in him a sore spot. It's a weakness, and Clint hates that it could be used to hurt him; when this was going to matter for him. SPEAKING NERVES CAME FROM ADMITTING TO WHO HE WAS. It may be anonymous, private, but it was still public people. Owning that he was going to get recognized, when he's deeply ashamed that he's the same as father in some degrees.

❝ Yeah, that's bothering me. ❞ He admits as Tony breaks down what Clint was going to face. ALL YOU CAN DO IS FOCUS ON YOU AND YOUR SOBRIETY. ❝ I know this isn't public and I don't really want to go public with THIS. I barely handled⸺ ❞ DRANK. thus did not handle. ❝ Public reaction to Bruce; and than of course, I'm going to see what's been said about me with Ronin. It's mistrust I am use to, deal with being a criminal to the media. ❞ Dealt with the fact that he has had to worry about, had his name been suggested to ruin and sully the Avengers image.

❝ BUT you know the public doesn't really know I come from where I am come from. ❞ He means the home life that he came from, it's not that he has hid it and that someone couldn't look into the Bartons, figure out that his father was an abusive drunk. LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON. It's why he didn't want to talk about the root of this, or bring it up and he's got plenty in his life that he could talk about but that weighted heavily on him. ❝ Y'know, HAROLD ⸻ Folks hear alcoholic, and get judgey, than some go looking. I don't wanna hear how I've become him. ❞

Clint supposes that Tony was right about all of that, knows that Tony handles this stuff a lot more than Clint ever has and probably ever will. He avoided that on the day to day, it had been better for him that way but than he knew the power of the media. He had to think about it constantly, twice as much, when he was running the Thunderbolts. He used the fact he was public-facing, to be seen and a spectacle, to make his Ronin lie more believable while he was getting drunk off gin at a charity event.

He does like the way that Tony puts what they are. ANOTHER STITCH. . . He was lucky for the fact that Tony and Carol had paved the way at this particular meeting. It does such that'll have to cross the Brooklyn bridge when he wanted when Clint moves home to Brooklyn. He knows he'll probably just find somewhere closer for himself, for convivence or more specifically emergency needs.

I WON'T SAY IT ⸺ ❝ Bullshit. ❞ Tony absolutely was going to say it. How could the man not? He's already starting to smile, bumps him in the shoulder. Clint is smiling back at him, though. ⸺⸻ GOOD NEWS. SEVEN FOR SEVEN. ❝ That's basically saying it; you'll have to drive to Brooklyn because should check out this one, since, it's a neighborhood over at my place. ❞ They had meeting on Sundays, this could be his Sunday place while he was here.

❝ Yeah, I'm feeling queasy about all of that; but, uh, you get what you needed off your chest too? ❞

Tony knew that feeling Clint was having well. There was something about being in meetings - even now - that the celebrity part added a nauseating aspect to. Rehab was different. Rehab for Tony (and Clint because Tony had paid for it), was a fancy medical facility full of people who if they didn't have some level of fame themselves were rich enough that being in close contact with fame wasn't a huge deal. Yeah - they might look at a superhero with a drinking problem as particularly problematic, but generally they were all there dealing with their own problem in the public eye. They knew what the pressures of fame could lead to and they were conscious of their own dirty laundry get aired out in public too.

But in a meeting it was supposed to be antonymous. They were all strangers who shared a problem trying to get through. Only Tony wasn't a stranger. He was the billionaire, playboy CEO who had gotten on the cover of Time when he was still a teenager. He was Iron Man. He was an Avenger. They were all anonymous. He was standing there in the spotlight and spilling his guts knowing full well there were people there who would want to get an autograph and a selfie, and others that would go home and tell someone close to them that you wouldn't believe who was at the meeting today and he said he'd piloted the suit drunk.

Now Clint was having to deal with that reality too. And so far it was okay. There were definitely people who had recognized him in a noticeable way, but they'd left him be. Maybe it was the fact that it was Carol and Tony's meeting, so they were just used to alcoholic superheroes now, but there was going to be a day that Clint showed up at a different meeting and everyone was going to start whispering behind their hands because it was HAWKEYE. HAWKEYE WAS AN ALCHOLIC.

"There were for sure people who knew who you were. I'd say everyone likely knew who you were, and if they hadn't clocked you before you spoke, they definitely know now. There's nothing you can do about that. You can't change the fact that some of them might go home and talk to their friends about it. You can't change that there might be some who lost their respect. All you can do is focus on you and your sobriety. This group is pretty good though. And you've had me and Carol going to have them all get used to the idea of Avengers having weaknesses too. And you know what? They're all dealing with their own shit. They're all there because they hit rock bottom. We're just another stitch in the fabric of people who aren't perfect and fuck up bad."

He hadn't expected Clint to suddenly change his mind about the Sunday. He bumped him gently with his shoulder, a smile crossing his features. "Yeah? I won't say it - but that's good news. Seven for seven."

[talkingpointsusa]

Charlie Kirk's take on the second Trump assassination attempt was moronic and irresponsible as all hell

If you haven't heard, shots were fired at Trump's Mar-A-Lago Golf Course and the FBI is investigating this incident as an assassination attempt. As was the case with the first shooting, new details are coming in hour by hour and by the time this post comes up it very well could be outdated already. I'll try my best to cover this responsibly with the information that I have but it's important to acknowledge that political violence of any kind is unacceptable from either side of the aisle.

You know who isn't covering this responsibly? Far-right media. And that brings us to Charlie Kirk who put out an "emergency episode" this Sunday the day of the assassination attempt. It's mainly just him and his co-host spinning baseless conspiracy theories without providing any evidence, you know like responsible journalists do.

00:59, Charlie Kirk: "Ok everybody, usually we don't stream on Sundays or do any broadcasts on Sundays as you well know, I wanna thank Real America's Voice for taking us, we are here also on Rumble. Joining me is Blake for this breaking news day. Blake, this is something else. We -- we thought that, you famously said 2024 might be a boring year."

Blake Neff: "Might"

Oh great, so we have Tucker Carlson's old producer who got fired for anonymously spewing out slurs on an online forum co-hosting Charlie's very serious assassination attempt coverage. This is like bringing in David Duke to co-host your Kennedy assassination broadcast, only Blake Neff is even more of a D-squad tier figure.

Another thing that you'll notice here is that the mood here is pretty light for a video entitled "They Tried To Kill President Trump — Again" and I have a theory as to why that is.

All of these guys in the right-wing media really seemed to enjoy the weeks after the first assassination attempt because it seemingly confirmed all of their narratives about being oppressed and targeted by the government (never mind that the gunman was a lone nutjob who was a registered Republican). Now, in the wake of a debate that was a complete disaster for Trump and the right-wing media, they get to steer the conversation away from Trump's flailing performance and onto this failed assassination attempt. For these guys this is a godsend.

02:06, Charlie Kirk: "Now, we're learning a lot about Ryan Routh, the first of which is that he is a Democrat doner. Over nineteen transactions to Democrats that we know of since 2019. Ryan Routh is also a very -- he is a pro-Ukrainian lunatic, very much in favor of the Ukrainian War."

This attempt to ascribe a Democrat-based motivation to the shooter is exactly what happened the last time and just like last time it's murky at best.

Ryan Routh seems like a guy who was pretty mentally ill and his politics are all over the place. Routh's social media posts indicate that he was a Trump supporter in 2016 before becoming disillusioned with the former president around 2020 and pivoting to supporting a Nikki Haley/Vivek Ramaswamy ticket. While a man with the same name as Routh who appears to be him at the time of writing did donate to the Democrats, a large number of those donations were to Tulsi Gabbard who's as much of a Democrat as RFK Jr is. Routh did post about the War in Ukraine and his posts demonstrated a Pro-Ukraine stance, even going as far as to involve himself in the recruitment of American's who wished to volunteer overseas.

While it appears, at least with the information that we have now, that this guy leans to the right I think that it's pretty clear that this was just a seriously mentally ill guy who was as all over the place politically as he was mentally. The right-wing drive to pin this on the left doesn't help this climate of political violence that they are supposedly oh so against.

03:26, Charlie Kirk: "Now, here are two pieces of items (sic) and I want to be very clear on facts. Number one, how did this guy know that Donald Trump was going to be golfing at this moment? It's not public, it must have been a very very good guess or somebody might have leaked the information. And number two, what, if any connections did Ryan Wesley Routh have with US intelligence services? With the Department of Defense? With the Central Intelligence Agency? With NATO or the Pentagon? Considering his entire lifes work is about supporting Ukraine or trying to take out Vladimir Putin."

"I want to be very clear on the facts, now here's a mountain of unfounded speculation."

There are a million reasons why this guy knew when Trump was golfing besides "Oh, the CIA leaked it to him". He had a car that he fled the scene in, is it that hard to believe that he hung out there waiting for signs that Trump was on the course or even cased out the course previously. As a matter of fact, recently unveiled cellphone data shows that the would-be assassin waited near the golf course for nearly twelve hours. If the CIA was involved, this would've been a million times more thought out as opposed to "Oh, I'm going to hang out in the bushes and hope for the best!"

Also, Routh as of the time of writing has no documented ties to NATO or any of those other organizations and I seriously doubt that this fact will change.

So, Charlie throws it to Blake and it's just him reading Ryan Routh's deranged tweets. They probably shouldn't be showing how insane this guy was if they want to push the narrative that he was somehow stable enough to be working with the CIA but whatever. Oh yeah, and Blake is also a total moron. Here's some of his "analysis".

05:54, Blake Neff: "This was a deeply unhinged guy but he was a deeply unhinged guy deeply involved with the single biggest cause that our elites in DC care about and are obsessed with. I think the prospect that no one in DC never met this guy or interacted with this guy is quite unlikely and as we dig into this I think it's quite possible that we will discover there are people who at least heard this guy spout off about going after Trump."

I'm sure that politicians hear guys spout off about going after people on both sides of the political aisle. What that doesn't mean is that they have some kind of database with the names of every lunatic who has said something dumb on Twitter. Do you know how many people on both sides are tweeting out dumb things right this very second? Keeping track of all of them would be a herculean effort.

Also, this guy was not "deeply involved" in the war in Ukraine. We're not even sure right now if his little conscription agency even successfully sent a guy overseas. He was some Twitter addicted bit player trying to insert himself into something bigger than him.

Unfortunately, Charlie's other Z-Tier co-host Andrew Kolvet is also here to deliver his "hard hitting analysis". Andrew Kolvet is basically the guy they dragged in to replace Tyler Bowyer, a man who I previously described as being "as articulate as an intoxicated long-haul trucker". Does Andrew Kolvet live up to the lofty standard of suckiness that Tyler established? No, because intoxicated long-haul truckers are a million times more charismatic and entertaining than Andrew Kolvet is.

10:12, Andrew Kolvet: "And I think Charlie, one of the most appalling parts of this entire saga today is the piece of tape, and I believe we have it, during the press conference where they basically admitted that had Trump been the current president that they would've had the entire perimeter of the golf course closed down, no roads would have been opened, but they don't have enough resources for President Trump since he's not the current president."

It took me a little bit of time to dig up what Andrew was talking about but when I did it proved to be a nothing-burger. Andrew Kolvet is talking about something that the Palm Beach County Sheriff Ric Bradshaw said when responding to a question from the press about how the shooter managed to get on the grounds of the golf course. Quote:

""Well, you got to understand, the golf course is surrounded by shrubbery, so when somebody gets into the shrubbery, they're pretty much out of sight, all right," Bradshaw said after a question about how the gunman could get so close. "And at this level that he is at right now, he's not the sitting president. If he was, we would have [the area around the] golf course surrounded. But because he's not, security is limited to the areas that the Secret Service deems possible. So I would imagine that the next time he comes at a golf course, there'll probably be a little bit more people around the perimeter. But the Secret Service did exactly what they should have done. They provided exactly what the protection should have been, and their agent did a fantastic job."

Ric's not wrong, ex-presidents get less protection than the current president. Keep in mind that there are only 3,200 special agents in the Secret Service and special agents are the ones in charge of protecting the president. To give you some context, that's only 31.68% of active FBI special agents (10,100) and 14.83% of active CIA agents (estimated at 21,575). The Secret Service is a relatively small agency with relatively low numbers.

This combined with the fact that there are currently six living presidents who have also received death threats and in the case of Obama had attempts made on their lives as well, multiple congresspeople who need protection, and the actual president and his cabinet to protect and you realize that the department is stretched for people and needs to prioritize. Trump's life was saved by the Secret Service and they did their job properly. Giving Trump the same level of protection as the current president is absurd given what the Secret Service has at it's disposal.

I'm also willing to bet that Trump gets more Secret Service protection than the average former president given the previous assassination attempt.

The other thing that we should keep in mind here is that Trumps golfing habit has been a notorious security risk for years. After Trump became president, the secret service warned him of the risks that his golf courses posed even going so far as to provide him with visual aids. Trump responded by shrugging off the threat. It doesn't help that Trumps visit to the golf course on Sunday was apparently unplanned which led to the Secret Service having to work on the fly. Given the circumstances I'd say that they even went above and beyond.

13:28, Blake Neff: "It's so obvious what's been whipped up here and we're having to sit through -- one of the things that's most appalling is it's like on each successive major threat you've seen the press get more flagrant with what they do. So there were like, gestures at this being unacceptable after the first shooting in Butler but after this one it's pretty much an immediate turnaround of Lester Holt saying 'Yeah, you know President Trump brought this on himself because he talked about Haitian migrants in Springfield.'"

Holt didn't say that. He talked about the assassination attempt and then said quote;

“Today’s apparent assassination attempt comes amid increasingly fierce rhetoric on the campaign trail. Mr. Trump, his running mate JD Vance continue to make baseless claims about Haitian immigrants.”

First of all, they cut off in the middle of Holts sentence which is always a major red flag. Even still, that's not saying that Trump deserved to get shot, that's a basic cable news pivot and a factual statement.

The assassination attempt happened right after Trump made xenophobic comments at the debate. Does that mean that Trump making statements about migrants pushed this guy over the edge? No, not with the evidence that I have. However, Holt isn't wrong to point this out. Trump's inflammatory rhetoric doesn't help this political climate that we've found ourselves in cool off, it only escalates things. That's not victim blaming or saying that Trump deserved to die, that's stating the obvious. I don’t really like Lester Holt or MSNBC but this is just dishonest. Everybody has roundly condemned political violence and this fantasyland nonsense will not change that.

Rounding off Charlie Kirk's quartet of bullshit is Jack Posobiec who joins the show to say basically the same things that Charlie, Blake, et all were saying earlier. This whole show is just repetitive dreck that could have been trimmed down into a 20 minute video. There was zero need to make this show an hour long. It's obvious that they did the bare minimum to prepare for the show and are now struggling to fill an hour.

As a result you get this, just rehashing old bullshit from the last assassination attempt and putting an anti-Ukraine bow on top. It's just a slog all around for everyone involved and I feel like everyone's time would have been better spent if they just took Sunday off and worried about this story during the work week. *Sigh*, well lets hear from Jack. This promises to be enlightening.

20:17, Jack Posobiec: "We're living in a situation now where political violence is not just a myth, it is not just a potentiality, it is something that we now live with on a regular basis."

So that's why Jack always condemns political violence from his side like, oh I don't know, January 6th right?

Oh. Extremely sincere political actor Jack Posobiec strikes again. What an absolute tool. The rest of the show is basically just this same redundant schtick. It'll be interesting to see how the narrative evolves with time. I'll tell you one thing, it really sucks now.

Conclusion:

This episode made the journalism major in me very irritated. Don't get me wrong, Charlie Kirk's repetitive ass BS always makes me very irritated but for some reason this particular episode really struck a cord.

I don't think there could be a more irresponsible way to cover an assassination attempt than this. I don't think I could be more irresponsible if I tried. The only thing you could possibly do to make this more irresponsible is to outright call for violence and retribution.

This is a serious event that has the potential to severely inflame people on both sides of the aisle, particularly Republicans. The way that a real journalist would cover this is by sticking to the facts and leaving speculation behind. If only because, again, this was a breaking story involving a major political figure and as a result you need to be extremely careful when you talk about it in the capacity as a person who people are getting their news from.

Charlie on the other hand barged in without preparing, randomly linked the shooter to NATO without providing any proof, implicated everybody on the political left, and then spewed conspiracy theories for an hour. The fact that they occasionally threw in "Oh, this is all speculation" isn't enough! You can't "speculate" on a news show, Charlie's supposed to be the big brain conservative that uses FACTS and LOGIC for crying out loud.

Oh well, can't expect anything less from Charlie Kirk. Cheers and I'll see you in the next one, stay safe everybody!

Sources Cited:

Falconer, Rebecca. "What to know about the suspect in the Trump golf club assassination attempt". Axios.

Folk, Zachary. “Who Is Alleged Trump Golf Course Gunman Ryan Wesley Routh?” The Daily Beast, The Daily Beast, 15 Sept. 2024.

Gerstein, Josh. "Man charged in Trump incident may have waited near his golf course for nearly 12 hours". Politico

“Frequently Asked Questions about Us | United States Secret Service.” Www.secretservice.gov.

“The Job of a Special Agent | United States Secret Service.” Www.secretservice.gov.

Leonnig Carol, Dawsy Josh, et all. "Trump’s golf outings have long concerned Secret Service". Washington Post.

[free--therapy]

Also, I just wanna say I'm really sorry for bothering you so much. You are always so kind  to me and over the long long time I've been following your blog, you've helped me countless times without ever making me feel judged. I'm just so grateful. And I keep feeling like I can never say that enough tbh 💗

Even this time, I'm sort of experiencing a setback or relapse of anxiety of sorts and I've asked for your advice so many times the past few weeks but you've never turned me away. I'm really really thankful.

This period is scary to me. Especially because until now, I've only ever experienced small setbacks of anxiety when I had long vacations or something like that. But when I resumed going out, it used to go away and I would move on by remembering to practice healthy patterns and focusing on my life instead of overthinking the worries.

But it's almost been two weeks since my vacations this time ended and I've joined a course for the next few months before looking for jobs. I've been going out everyday for the past two weeks and these worries are still strong as ever which is scary to me. Because having so many worries and being so anxious despite being busy and having other things to do is new and unfamiliar to me. Until now I used to think vacations = overthinking and college/going out = moving on and focusing on life. But I haven't been focusing on things as much despite starting to go out recently.

I've been spending so much time in my head throughout the day despite having things to do. This is scary because it makes me feel like if this keeps going on then what if my everyday life ends up always being like this? Unlike before where I mostly had worries coming back in long vacations, what if this ends up being a permanent thing?

The last one week has been especially hard because new worries which feel like they'll never go away have been popping up out of nowhere especially the intrusive thoughts and related worries and I have few times where I wonder will I ever even recover from this and move on? Will there ever be good times again? Because the past few weeks, when I wake up, for a few seconds it feels good then immediately after, I remember that "oh I've been having these worries and thoughts" and it drowns my mood immediately after.

Honestly I haven't felt this negative since 2021 when I opted for therapy but right now, it's not possible for me. That is why, I'm super grateful for your blog! I've been trying to learn a lot through the resources here and with all your help too.

This new problem with the intrusive thoughts is definitely very very unwanted for me right now especially with the way it's progressing and getting complex.

I know that with anxiety, every worry tends to feel exaggerated and more negative. I also know how when one worry goes away, the mind tries to come up with another one which might be even worse than the earlier one. And so far, this worry related to the realistic intrusive thoughts is one of the hardest I've ever dealt with. But if there's something I've realised it's that it feels worse the more I repeat it in my head. The more I think about it or actively imagine it, the worse it feels and the more complex it gets with more and more scary thoughts related to it emerging.

To make things worse, I've been remembering the things I read on those OCD forums/pages and been feeling what if I end up developing those disorders and behaviours too. Especially since I've read some people talking about how it's not really possible to completely recover from certain disorders like OCD or PTSD or some other anxiety disorders. Of course, I don't have any official diagnosis since I worry about very random things of all kinds most of which I've somehow borrowed by reading negative things about them.

I've mentioned this to you before but I have a tendency to mimic or somehow "take" other's worries for myself when it comes to anxiety. Whenever I read someone say something really negative about any certain disorder or illness or symptom, it sticks in my mind. Especially when it's a chronic problem of any sort- I'm really scared of those. Because it makes me feel like if something really long term painful or chronic happens to me, I won't be able to deal with it after a while and will get really depressed or something.

My therapist from two years ago told me that I underestimated my own ability to cope and I believe she's right. Before I can start, when a new big worry comes up (related to anxiety), I immediately start thinking "omg will this go away? what if it doesn't? what will happen to me then?" Basically just overthinking and trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario.

So if I read someone say something really negative about any illness especially about any mental health issues or disorders, I'll start worrying what if I get that too? Then I'll start purposely thinking about it. As in, I remember I never worried about intrusive thoughts until I read about it two years ago. Then I started worrying what if I have those too many times and it turns into a problem for me too?

Around that time, I was feeling guilty about mistakes things and about the content that I had watched. So I ended up attaching the two somehow. Recently too, when my mind was scrambling to find more things to worry about, I somehow remembered intrusive thoughts and while literally all images that my mind popped in my head were unbothering to me since they were just in my head but then suddenly few days ago, it made me think of this new realistic ones as if they're there in real life in my house or in any place I'm at. As if I can literally imagine them in real life and these intrusive thoughts did bother me.

Until now, all the worries I've had related to any topics- all those topics are ones that I read people struggling with. Almost all of them, I read about two years ago when I used to read forums. I take the topic and think about it then decide that it doesn't affect me and leave it but subconsciously I'll start thinking about it every now and then until somehow I start comparing my everyday habits or thoughts to those of the people I read about. I'll try to make my thoughts or habits or behaviours to turn into sounding somehow similar to theirs. As if forcefully trying to make connections that don't actually exist.

This is also why I really regret reading those back then because it makes me think how good it would've been if I didn't have these thoughts to worry about. But I also know it's not useful regretting the past.

I read some posts about radical acceptance on your blog that really helped me with this! 💗

Honestly, I haven't been feeling like myself the past few weeks because of this. I mean after such a long happy period, suddenly having to feel and think like this when I thought I had gotten over this for good is so hard and disappointing. Especially since when I did have a few setback in the last year and a half, they were very very minor and about the same worries more or less.

But this time, it's a completely new thing which is very uncomfortable and scary and more anxiety triggering definitely. And not feeling like myself + these intrusive thoughts which feel like they'll never go away all makes me feel so less hopeful.

But I also feel like it's because I spend all my free time or idle time constantly trying to rationalise but eventually getting caught up in my head all the time. I mean, unlike before when in my free time, I used to think about what should I do today, what shall I have for dinner, what new things can I do or thinking about my favourite anime/manga/songs, going out , etc. now I spend almost ALL my free time trying to find ways to fix this or fix myself and worrying and trying to solve my worries and that sort of cycle.

So despite having things to do, I haven't been focusing on them at all. Instead, spending all my time worrying and thinking how this is unfair, how no one around me seems to have these troubles, about why I have to go through this, pitying myself, etc. I want to get out of this and just get to living my life again.

But still, I wanna believe that it'll be okay. I hope I can learn and grow and move on happily from this soon 🍀

I've been wondering, do you think I can get over this period of anxiety relapse? Will I ever get over these new realistic intrusive thoughts and all related what ifs and habits? Can I learn to be okay and move on from this? Can I really heal and be okay and happy again regardless of what problems or  thoughts or worries I have? Is it okay to believe in that and be hopeful?

Have you had relapses too? Or this kind of negative thinking after long happy periods? How did you deal with it? How did you manage to keep believing in the hopeful side?

Also, thank you for being here. I really really mean it. I don't know what I would've done without all your help. I've been considering to share this problem regarding intrusive thoughts with my sister but since she has her problems going on, I don't know if I should even though she said I should tell her because she only has few months until she leaves. But I feel weird as if she won't understand these worries or she'll think it's silly or something. She's not the type of person who gets anxious easily so I don't know if she will understand. What if I end up bothering her more?

So because of that, I'm really thankful that I have your blog as a safe space to share my worries! That said, if I ever ever start feeling annoying or bothersome to you or you start feeling drained because of me, please let me know! I don't ever mean to do any of that. And if you've been feeling that way, then I'm really sorry and please don't hesitate to let me know!

Also, I know I share a lot of random details of my life or my day sometimes while explaining my problems. Sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable or if it's bothersome in any way. Please let me know if you don't want me to as well!

You've helped me learn to believe that I deserve happiness and love regardless of my mistakes or different opinions. Of course I have days when I doubt that but I always remind myself of things you told me which makes me eventually again believe that I in fact, do. I'm so grateful for all your help with every worry and I thought I should let you know 💗

Hey Anon,

I think because you're now in another state of anxiety, it's starting to bleed into your every day life. You've allowed your mind to occupy your every day life, which is now starting to affect you in ways you probably don't want it to and it's likely because you've been giving these thoughts way too much power over you than you used to. This won't be a permanent thing though because you're in the midst of figuring out your mind and how to deal with it. I can understand though how it might feel like you're taking a step backward, but perhaps your mind can't handle the attempts to distract itself with work/life and there are things that need to be addressed instead of repressed.

You will also need to understand how your body works in terms of activating fight-or-flight mode. This is something that we're not supposed to be in 100% of the time, but because your body has been operating in this mode for years now, any time you settle a threat, it's going to always be looking for new ones, which is probably why a whole bunch of new things are popping up rightt now. In a way, this is good because it means that you were handling the old thoughts and threats so well that now it wants you to focus on new things. As defeating as it can feel to have to deal with new things, you already know what to do to conquer them! It sucks when you're already so exhausted from dealing with the other thoughts that now you have to deal with more, but I know you can do this. Just remember that your mind is just looking for reasons to be anxious and that a lot of anxiety or anxious thoughts are irrational. Your mind is stuck in a negativity bias and that's why it's so easy to be drawn to the negative even from other people. It doesn't mean that only the negative exists though. There is just as much positivity as there is negativity and it's your goal to search for that :)

Have you had relapses too? Or this kind of negative thinking after long happy periods? How did you deal with it? How did you manage to keep believing in the hopeful side?

Yes, I've definitely had times where I feel like I've gone backwards, even now. Probably last month was the most recent time, but it gets so much easier to deal with as you go along because you realize that it doesn't matter what kinds of thoughts you're having, you recognize that it's something similar to what has happened in the past and that you can overcome it, just like you have before. Sometimes I get so used to thinking I'm healed, but life always finds ways to remind me of the parts that still need some work, and honestly I'm glad for that. It keeps me humble and in check. I hang onto knowing that I've made it through all of my hard times before so I can do it this time too. I find that certain moments don't last as long as they used to and I'm able to be comfortable enough to sit with myself and tackle these hard times without fear of them taking control of my life.

Don't feel discouraged, Anon. This is just part of the journey. You'll feel like you're making moves and then all the sudden you're taking a few steps back--this is normal. Healing is not linear, so you will be faced with moments that feel like defeat, but all you need to do is get back up and keep fighting forward. You've got this! Please don't feel like you're a burden to me at all. I know how to set boundaries with myself to make sure I'm prepared to read and answer them all in a way that I would want to be approached if I were in your shoes (and I mean, I have been there :)) I'm happy to know that I can make an impact on someone's life in this way, so thank you for taking that leap of faith and trusting me with your worries.

[kaxen]

I still use tumblr the most.

My distant second place to post my art is Reddit. I'm not crazy about Reddit in its entirety, but topic-focused communities are easier to post in than like joining yet another social media blob I'm gonna spend all my time yelling into a bucket. Like I think the worst part of modern social media is the death of topic-focused communities. I STILL MISS FORUMS, DAMMIT. I DON'T NEED THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE ON ONE PLATFORM. I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO SEE AMATEURISHLY DRAWN MECHA FIGHT EACH OTHER ARE.

I like Cara conceptually since they are pro-artist and partnered with Glaze, but I haven't really felt too chit-chatty on there.

I had tried Inkblot for a bit, but their UI is terrible.

Tried cohost for a little but the notifications were clunky AF at the time (no idea if it's changed since) so I didn't like it.

I don't like Twitter and Bsky because I think length limits on posts are stupid. I need my rambles, for enrichment! Reading a long self-reply thread is stupid and annoying.

I have had beef with Instagram since the beginning because I think square format is the objectively worst picture format. They've had some improvements, but then they messed up search more than it was and everything I hate about the platform doesn't outweigh any pros it has. I'm only there to follow a handful of people who only post there, to my chagrin. There's a doll artist I love, but his love of putting key ordering information in disappearing insta stories makes my heart shrivel up.

I was very active on Deviantart several years ago but eventually moved on mostly to Twitter, Instagram and here on Tumblr, though I still lurk on DA. Now I've been off of Twitter for like a year or something, and signed up for both Cara and BlueSky, but I feel less connected to people on those platforms.

I really don't intend on going back to Twitter because of many reasons, but I wonder if going back to DeviantArt is worth it. Also wanna know how many of you are on the newest platforms!

[bitchikorita]

@swedish politics side of tumblr

Scream at me