#and I don’t know if a year and a half is long enough tk get a good enough base in thai to go anywhere else

[good-night-space-kid]

Random question! Have any of you done a semester abroad, and if so, where did you go and was it a good experience?

[rmd-writes]

11. toothpaste kisses - Tarlos 🥰

Sorry this took me so long to get to!!! I went a little rogue and you’re getting a college au, hope that’s okay! 💖

TK is standing in his pyjama pants, brushing his teeth when Carlos comes into their shared bathroom in nothing but his boxers to do the same. He watches as Carlos squeezes the toothpaste onto his toothbrush, pointedly puts the lid back onto the tube – something TK doesn’t always do – then briefly wets the toothbrush before putting it into his mouth.

Despite the fact that they’ve been roommates for over a year now, and friends for longer than that, this isn’t something that usually happens.Things are different now, now that they’ve gone from being just roommates to something more than that, to being boyfriends, but the fact of the matter remains that things between them are new, their bathroom is small and there’s only one sink, and so brushing their teeth is generally a solitary activity.

The thought of Carlos being his boyfriend now makes TK smile around his toothbrush and Carlos catches his eye in the mirror. “What?” he mumbles around his toothbrush.

TK spits some of the foam in his mouth out into the sink. “Nothing,” he answers, smiling at Carlos before sticking the toothbrush back into his mouth again.

Carlos spits. “What’s so funny?”

TK just shakes his head at him and shrugs, moving the toothbrush around his mouth. Carlos raises a brow and stares at him in the mirror for a few seconds then goes back to brushing his teeth. TK spits again and grins at Carlos. Carlos does the same. They don’t say anything, just brush and spit and brush and spit and it feels competitive like one of them is going to win at this. It’s probably unnecessary and honestly, a little gross, but somehow there’s an inexplicable tension building between them, like a slow-burning fuse that’s been lit.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s the first night they’re both back in their room after the holidays. Maybe it’s that the bathroom is small enough that they’re basically standing shoulder-to-shoulder at the sink, TK’s right arm brushing against Carlos’ left as they shift their weight, exchanging glances and smirking around their toothbrushes. Maybe it’s that they’re both shirtless and TK is being shamelessly bold about his appreciation for Carlos’ bare torso, letting his eyes roam hungrily across Carlos’ body and Carlos isn’t being subtle about looking at TK either.

TK spits and rinses his mouth, wiping it on the back of his hand, but doesn’t move, waiting for Carlos to do the same. Carlos puts his toothbrush on the counter and turns to face TK, his eyes slowly dragging down TK’s body, lingering below his hips where TK knows it’s probably obvious through his thin pyjama pants that he’s half-hard with anticipation. He’d be embarrassed about it, but Carlos is too.

Carlos steps towards him, reaching out to wrap his arms around TK’s waist and TK winds his arms around Carlos’ broad shoulders in response. It feels as if the moment stretches forever, and yet in an instant, Carlos’ lips are on his. It’s not the desperate kiss TK was expecting; it’s tender and careful, soft presses of Carlos’ lips against his before a light brush of his tongue coaxing TK’s mouth open. Carlos tastes like toothpaste and smells like apple-scented shampoo and when TK scratches a little at the nape of Carlos’ neck, he hums a little into the kiss and TK can feel the way Carlos is smiling against his lips. It makes TK smile too, until they’re both smiling so hard they’re barely kissing anymore.

“Hi,” Carlos whispers.

“Hey.” TK pulls back a little so he can see Carlos’s face. “Can we do this somewhere else?”

“Sure, your place or mine?” Carlos says, waggling his eyebrows as TK groans at the joke.

He kisses Carlos again instead of answering, and thinks that if being Carlos’ boyfriend and roommate means minty toothpaste kisses on demand, well, he’s more than okay with that.

[chevelleneech]

https://www.tumblr.com/chevelleneech/757565942198861824/httpswwwtumblrcomchevelleneech?source=share

i sent you this ask around a week before AYS aired and you said you don't agree with me which was fine by me but ig i was right there.

It was obvious, i even said that if jm was indeed in touch with jk for first half of 2023 as much he would mention jk but he didn't. I have said this same thing (refering to the post i linked) but no one quite belived. even the comments on this post are telling me otherwise and even ppl saying they lie things cause they wanna lay down.

Tkkrs noticed it ain't any genius move it's just them repeating what they're repeating for a decade it's nothing new. They don't accept same thing about TK when ITS happened is because don't wanna accept it cause it burst their bubble of "taekook couple". Shippers love thinking it's always rainbow and sunshine that's why they don't talk about things when something different is happening. JKK thing was also obvious if you see it from neutral pov but no one was ready to look at that way. although i thought they might have met whenever jm promised jk he would but seems like they didn't....seems like i was wrong about that or maybe they did but it's not enough for them.

I remember saying that it doens't look like jkk call eachother often given how oblivious jk was for many of jm's things and ppl telling me what not but jungkook said the exact same thing. I said if anyone is couple no matter what you make time for eachother like that. if you can make time for others you WILL make time for your partner. I'm not being a bitch here nor am I taking this as any gotcha moment but just saying that it was obvious to some of us.

Now about TK's issue being not obvious then no even their thing was bit obvious. The awkwardness was there. You don't need to do much but just pay attention to what members say and you get what kind of rs they share. Even Taekook weren't seen hanging out together anywhere in all those years. jikook has always been hanging out. that's why this hanging out thing was obvious cause all the hangouts TK had in late 2022 and 2023 was wayy more than their decade long friendship while as jikook who was seen together publicly many times was not spotted by anyone anywhere and that tells you enough. I agree that they might not be the ppl who would go outside and do adventure like TK do but i know for fact that they love going to eat outside. You cannot tell me the duo that's been seen hanging out publically soo many times is suddenly not seen by anyone for so many month?

I agree with everything else you said in that post.

I appreciate you returning and standing on what you said, but I must do the same. I still don’t really agree with you, because my opinion is not that they aren’t together. My opinion is that they were not in as of a traditional relationship as I initially assumed. An opinion that changed last year, when the JK stalker video was posted.

I’ve always been open to being wrong, but their behavior remained same enough for me to think they were just being more private than not, but that video made me think perhaps there was much more complexity to their situation than I thought. Now, I feel very confident in that speculation. I think they absolutely were in a relationship that went beyond platonic, and I think 2023 was them realizing that relationships, even if more casual than shippers assume, took effort they never had to exert due to their proximity as band mates. I think AYS is them trying, and not them just being friends who are reconnecting.

So the reason I said I disagreed and still do, is because you seem more along the lines of someone who doesn’t think there’s anything going on between them. Which is fine, you don’t have to, but where you believe they’d have made time if they were actually a thing, I think they failed to realize how much time they needed to make. Which is why they ended up doing the show, and why they ended up enlisting together. Whether or not they are a couple by traditional standards is not for me to state, but I don’t think they’ve ever been platonic. At least not in the sense that they’ve never had feelings for each other.

I also think it was more blame on both sides than it reads like you said, in that you wish JK would have followed through on going to see Jimin. My new interpretation of how things might have went, since I didn’t think this prior to AYS, is that both of them stopped showing up. Which is a sure fire way for a relationship to fade. Platonic and romantic alike.

Other than that, I don’t think you were wrong, because I can’t tell you what’s right. But again, I do think we’re still in a disagreement on what we think their relationship is and was.

[futures-tense]

if we hadn't made it

ao3 || wc: 810

I want to give a shout out to @justapoet cause their fic four-letter noun inspired the format of this one and its one of my absolute favorites so

It’s because, as I’ve said, I’ll be by side your side through all of it. I’m thinking of you always; hoping, hoping, hoping for nothing but the best for you.

***

Dear you,

I grew up as the writer in my family. It’s how I communicate and it’s how I get my emotions out. I’ll keep it to myself or post it anonymously on the internet but no one close to me will see it. That’s a vulnerability I haven’t been able to share with anyone.

But I’m going to give it a try here. For you.

I may be the writer in my family but I’ve always been terrible with words. Especially when it came to myself. I won’t ever be able to tell you what I’m feeling or why it’s happening— not in a way that will make sense to either of us. Don’t ask me to tell you about myself because you’ll hear more about my family than anything else. In my house, we never talked about why we were feeling the way we were. If it wasn’t convenient for us to be feeling that way, we were told to smile anyway.

Fake it till you make it, I guess. That’s never really worked for me.

I can’t tell you how I’m feeling. So let my writing speak for my heart instead. (Shakespeare, sort of.)

Because here’s what I can tell you: I know that I can’t live without you. Without our boba trips, or our Target runs, or gross exchanges of sappy words that make me laugh and smile and blush. I don’t wanna call it anything, I don’t want to give it the wrong name. But whatever it is, it’s the first true thing I felt in a very long time.

Everyone always told me that a good relationship is caring for someone despite their broken pieces and sharp edges. But I think it’s caring about someone while keeping the broken pieces in mind. They’re who we are; they’re what brought us to here and now. If it weren’t for all the cuts and bruises and the wrong turns that I’ve made, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be here, falling for you.

I don’t know if this is just me. I don’t know if you’re feeling the same things. But I need you to tell me. Because if you aren’t, It’s okay. You say the word and I can pretend like this never happened. I can go back to being that person you go shopping with. I can go back to Starbucks runs and gossip sessions and meaningless flirting.

But if it’s not just me, if I’m not going crazy then why not give it a chance? I’m not asking for forever, I’m asking for right now. For whatever you can give me. Because being near you in any capacity is enough.

Yours,

Me

Ps: you should know something about those gross exchanges of sappy words: I meant every single word. Every one.

***

Carlos closes the door to their house behind him. Almost a year after the wedding, they’d found a new home—one with a backyard and a couple of extra bedrooms. He can’t help but smile as he looks around at the half-empty boxes sitting around the living room. His husband however is nowhere to be found.

“TK, I’m home.”

He hears a muffled curse coming from the bedroom upstairs then a thud.

“TK?” Carlos takes the stairs two at a time, catching TK sprawled out on the floor. “What happened?”

“You scared me,” TK whines. “And you were supposed to be at your parents’ for a little while longer.”

Carlos smiles, sitting on the floor next to him. “I got out on good behavior.”

TK rolls his eyes, and sits up, “well, I was hoping to get this room done before you got home; but I got sidetracked.”

“Of course you did,” Carlos teases, but when he meets TK’s eyes his face falls. “I hate it when you make that face.”

TK pulls a folded set of papers and a small envelope out from where he stashed them under the comforter. “This fell out of one of your books.”

Carlos knows the letter, he read it many times—not recently but years ago. Before, when marriage was out of the question. When they were the question.

“Did you, uh, did you read it?”

“I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to.”

Carlos shakes his head. “I was going to slip it in your pocket the day of the solar flare, depending on how our conversation ended.”

“You never got rid of it.”

He takes the letter and skims it, a small smile playing on his lips.

I’m not asking for forever, I’m asking for right now. For whatever you can give me. Because being near you in any capacity is enough.

“I wasn’t asking for forever.”

TK pushes the papers aside and kisses him carefully. “You’ve got me in every way. Everything I can give you and more; from now until the day I die.”

[twinklelilstarkey]

hiii can you do angst 3 with nolan please 🥰

"You shouldn't be here." - Nolan Patrick

It has been a rough week. You feel like all your movements consist of you crawling in and out of your bed. Your pillow is constantly wet with your tears and your chest is permanently tightening in the void of nothing but heartbreak.

You don’t exactly need to leave your apartment since all of your classes are still online, and your cabinets are still full enough for you to survive for a little bit longer. So, honestly, if you were to leave, it would be out of a spontaneous decision, something you’re sure won’t happen any soon.

The only bit of fresh air you’ve caught in the last few days was when you opened your bathroom window to get your shower’s steam out of the small room, yet other than that... just nothing.

Today marks 7 days since you have broken up with your boyfriend of a year and a half, Nolan.

The reason behind your break up is a complete result of the snowball effect. It all started with small fights which always ended with you apologizing and him sort of forgiving you, and with small fight after small fight, a whole shouting argument was bad enough to mark the end of your relationship.

Nolan said so much, that he now admits that not even 1% of it is true, but it was enough to break your heart and force you to walk away.

It was definitely a break up. It was no Hollywood movie argument with an open ending in which the main characters never actually say the words. You two said it, and you two agreed on ending everything and cutting all tights right there. Right in the middle of his apartment.

You feel miserable and you’ve caught yourself trying to call him at crazy hours of the night a few times already. You never ended up actually doing it, but there was a time that it was close enough for it to ring one time - not even enough for it to even reach his phone.

Your week consists in at least 3 full days of classes, which does sound awful, but you feel like everything just gets worse when you’re left to stay by yourself and with your reality. All because even though you’re not listening to what your teachers are saying, you’ve got at least some sort of noise to occupy your mind.

But, god, nights are the worst. Looking out of your window to stare at the city view is not the same anymore, having sweet or salty sneaky snacks is not the same anymore, watching your favorite show under all your blankets is not the same anymore. You’re suffering so much that you can’t find anything even slightly enjoyable.

Now, Nolan, on the other hand, has to leave his apartment. He has to work, go to the ice rink, and practice every morning. And, in reality, no matter how much his coaches are screaming in his face, he just can’t find a way to fix whatever he’s doing wrong.

For the first days, no friend of his knew about the breakup, so, they just thought he was just going a little crazy over a bad hangover or whatever. But that didn’t last long. It only took TK to ask him if the offer for the double date still stood for everyone to notice.

His silence and serious expression made his best friend frown and even stop what he was doing. He couldn’t believe he was seeing.

Travis honestly thought that Nolan hadn’t heard him for a good few seconds, but as soon as he went to make sure, Nolan just stood up and left.

He wasn’t reacting like you were. He wasn’t crying every time his brain brought him back to you, he was just staring into nothing and letting his mind work free through it. Battling his feelings away.

You still watched the Flyers’ games, even though he wasn’t spending much time on the ice, and you still wore his jersey like any other night.

Sleeping after those nights were even harder. Today is one of them.

You turn on your bed, eyeing the large window beside your bed and all the lights of the city you’re blessed to see from high above, and your mind soon travels to all the memories you own and protect.

All the times you cuddled with a sleeping or just sleepy Nolan after good or rough games while staring at the calming night. All the times you enjoyed late mornings in bed, talking about life and laughing at absolutely everything.

A soft grin plays over your lips at the light-hearted memories but at the same time, it breaks at the realization it is not your truth anymore.

You sniffle softly and blink your tears away, bringing your hands to your warm cheeks to wipe down the wetness you’ve grown so familiar to.

A soft knock on your front door fills your apartment and you quickly sit up in surprise. It’s 3 am.

It’s way too late for your landlord to come over now, right? Sinks don’t usually get fixed at this time of night... Right?

The knock repeats itself and you sigh. It won’t hurt to check.

You stand up from your bed, ignoring the mess you’re leaving behind, and you bring your hood over your head. On your way down the hallway, you wipe your face one more time to make sure that no tears are to be shown to anyone, and as soon as you’re done, you’re standing by the door.

You unlock it slowly and Nolan feels a sudden wave of cold hit the walls of his stomach as anxiety becomes evident to him, again.

The door opens slowly, creaking slightly in the silence of the night, and your eyes meet up at the same time.

You feel frozen in place while Nolan is just lost for words. He hasn’t seen you for more than he has ever before and that made his body almost go into shock.

“Wha-” You try to ask but your voice cracks a bit, “What are you doing here?”

He stands silent for a few seconds and he continuous to stare you down, analyzing your face. Eyes slightly swollen, as well as your lips, your soft sniffling. You’ve been crying.

“I wanted to talk.” He finally speaks, his deep voice breaking through the hallway harshly.

“You shouldn’t be here.” You tell him.

“I know.” He agrees, “But... Can I please come in?”

You bite the inside of your lip in thought and your hand slides over the side of the door, grabbing both of your attentions.

Hesitatingly, you take a step back and swing your door open further, giving Nolan enough space to walk in comfortingly.

He’s careful with his steps, and soon the door closes behind him again. Your apartment is still extremely comforting and warm to him. And for a second, it almost made him forget what he was doing there in the first place.

“Want to go sit?” You whisper.

He looks over his shoulder to look at you and gives you a small nod. You break your glance and decide to be the first one to walk towards the couch.

Nolan follows you and soon the two of you are seated beside one another.

Even though with straight serious looks on your faces, you two have racing hearts and sweaty hands. Everything that could make their bodies react to the situation in the middle of all this silence.

“Did I wake you up?” He firstly asks and you just shake your head.

You look down at your hands over your lap and unconsciously, you pull your sleeves over your hands, hiding them from your own eyes.

Nolan decides to start.

“I shouldn’t have said all those things.” Nolan says as he also looks down at your, now covered, hands. “I was mad and I made all of... that, up.”

The words slowly register in your mind and you force yourself to look at him in the face.

“I know it’s stupid.” He says before you can even try to talk, “I know I shouldn’t have even fought back. You were right and I was just being an idiot.”

He shakes his head, staring back into your confused eyes.

“Nol-”

“I don’t know why I even did it. It was like I didn’t want to be in the wrong when I was. It was so childish of me...” He continues, “And all the things that I called you were ju-just awful. And I want you to know what I didn’t mean any of it and that not even one of them is tru-”

He sighs in desperation, finding it ridiculous how he found himself lost in his own thoughts and just rambled all his worries in one breath. Your hands finally stop playing on your lap.

“I wish I could take everything back.” He says more slowly and calmly, “And just act like none of it happened.”

“Me too.” You agree.

He stays silent and his chest tightens at the idea of this not going as he wants to.

“I just... I’m sorry.” He whispers the last part. “You don’t have to forgive me...” He pauses, “Now or-or even ever, but I just want you to know that I am so, so, so sorry.”

You stare back at him as his words fill your ears and his soft expression of pure hurt is all that emphasizes your overthinking.

“And...” He starts again, almost as if saying sorry for talking with his eyes, “I’m also sorry for only talking to you a week later. It-it’s stupid of me. Again.”

The corners of your lips lift slightly at his last words and you swallow harshly, preparing yourself to talk. Yet you stop yourself as you don’t exactly know what to say.

You look down, biting your lip in thought, and quickly, your hands lays over Nolan’s. And even over your hoodie’s thick material, you can feel how cold they are from standing outside at the crack of dawn.

“I’m sorry too.” You whisper to him.

“You don’t need to-”

“I do.” You look back up, “I walked away during a fight and in some way, I feel like it was my fault that you exploded the way you did.”

Nolan shakes his head and you peek your fingers from your sleeves, interlacing them with Nolan’s cold ones. You bring your hand up around your conjoined hands and trace slightly over his fingers to warm them.

“Well, then I forgive you.” Nolan says to you, following your gaze down to your hands. “I really do, even if I think you didn’t do anything wrong.”

A soft grin grows over your lips and you look up at him.

“Than I forgive you too.” You say, “Just- Please, promise me that we’ll never go for that long without talking or trying to sort things out again.” You cringe slightly at your request as if there’s a possibility that he will reject.

“I promise.” He says right away.

“And that we’ll never walk away like that or break up like that.”

“That too. I promise.”

A smile finally breaks through your features and soon also did Nolan’s. You bring your hand up to his face and with a quick movement, you cup his cheek and lay your lips over his.

The kiss is simple, more of a peck if anything, but it’s longer than a normal peck.

You two pull away and Nolan is quick to kiss your cheek a couple of times before actually leaning back and look at you.

“I think we should go to bed.” You tell him with a soft smile, “It’s almost 4.”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

[maybe-theres-hope]

Tarlos ficlet - “You Like My Costume?”

For all y'all firefighter!Carlos babes :) 

@howtosingit @pragmaticoptimist34 and anyone else who likes this kind of thing <3

1.6k | ao3

TK is actually kind of bummed to be working on Halloween.

Sure, it’s not like he has to work Thanksgiving this year--he somehow finagled the day off and he has yet to tell Carlos that he will be making a surprise visit to the ranch for dinner and he absolutely can’t wait to see his fiancé’s face when he walks in--but he was kind of looking forward to doing the cutesy couple’s costume thing. He’s a sucker for that kind of thing, and he’s bummed, okay?

They’re out on a call that’s frankly more of a time waster than anything else since the fourteen year old in question wasn’t actually suffering from alcohol poisoning but rather he’d yarfed because his friends had dared him to drink a teaspoon of dish soap--honestly, kids these days--so things are looking pretty mellow so far for the evening. He half expected full-moon level type calls tonight but in all honesty he’s been kind of bored. Which really makes it doubly crappy to be working. There’s not even any excitement. 

“At least we’re off at 11, you’ll get to see the last of the trick-or-treaters,” Nancy says with a smirk. 

“Who trick-or-treats at 11 p.m.?” he asks. “By then it’ll just be the dumb teenagers TP-ing old people’s houses and that’s if anyone actually does that anymore.”

“What, you’re too old and married for those kinds of shenanigans?”

“Screw you, I’m not old, and I’m not married yet,” he quips back at her.

“Mmmhmm. Coulda fooled me.” She’s smiling her mischievous smile, the one she gets when she’s contemplating how to jump-scare him in the bunk room in the middle of the night because one time he yelped in such a high-pitch that she nearly peed herself laughing, and she’s been trying to recreate it ever since. 

“Hey, the thrill is not gone, I can promise you that.” Now it’s his turn to smirk back at her.

“Ugh ugh, okay, don’t wanna hear about it.” She waves her hands in front of her face like she’s shooing away fog. “And TK? I mean that. Whatever it is you’re going to be doing tonight, I never wanna hear about it, okay? Just...please. Keep it in the bedroom. Everyone’s going to be making enough assumptions as it is.”

He turns to look at her from the driver’s seat, puzzled. “What do you mean, tonight? What’s so special about tonight and why are people making assumptions? Carlos had to work until half an hour ago anyway, so we’re probably both going to just pass out when I get home. Also, what do you mean ‘assumptions’?”

She just smiles at him again. “Just drive, Strand.”

When he pulls the rig into the bay at ten minutes past eleven, TK just wants to shower and collapse. Boredom held out for only so long before giving into three separate calls where the patient coded on the backboard. He’s tired, he’s hungry, and he feels like he will never be clean of all the sweat. His fingers are aching and his shoulders are sore. He’s never been more ready to just slip into their sheets at home and pass into blissful oblivion. He can’t even make himself look up from the floor as he walks toward the locker room. 

“Hey TK! Why don’t you say hi to the new probie?” Mateo’s voice is nearly a giggle, and it actually causes TK to lift his head. With great effort. 

“Huh? We have a new probie? Whose first shift is on Halloween? Who did he piss off to manage that?” TK asks, following Mateo through the kitchen.

It’s Paul who answers from where he’s leaning against the archway leading back into the bay where the ladder truck is parked. “No one. You might be a little peeved that he took your old turnout gear, but I really, really doubt that.”

“What?” Now TK is just thoroughly confused. 

“Yeah,” Marjan says when he rounds the corner, “and it doesn’t fit him all that well, but I also highly doubt you’ll be upset about that either.” She’s practically glowing with mirth. 

“Okaaaay...what’s with everyone? Is this some kind of Halloween prank? Is someone going to jump out and scare me?”

“Trust me, it won’t scare you. Just...don’t scar the rest of us once you see it. Behave yourself until you get home,” is Nancy’s last line before she turns and practically runs up the stairs. 

TK darts his gaze around to the rest of them, brow furrowing. 

“Just go, man. We’ve been keeping this from you for like a week and we want to see the fruits of our labor,” Mateo says, shoving at TK’s shoulder so that he walks toward the ladder truck.

Still confused and slightly nervous, TK rounds the back of the truck and looks around to see what it is they’ve conjured up to prank him with. He scans the floor, wondering if someone in a scary mask will slide out from under the truck. He moves around to the other side while still in the team’s line of sight, looking back at them for some kind of indication that he’s on the right track. Marjan points subtly up and he follows with his gaze. 

His mouth goes instantly dry and his breath stops. He might gasp, but he can’t be sure.

“Hi babe. Happy Halloween,” Carlos croons in a low voice, though he’s blushing slightly which removes some of the effect. 

TK can only stare. His old turnout gear, indeed.

His fiancé his perched on top of the truck, casually leaned against the ladder and looking down on him. His hips, clad in baggy pants only held up by bright suspenders are slipped forward just so, inviting TK’s eyes to travel up the long line of his glorious body. The AFD t-shirt is straining at the seams, defining every muscle in his abs and pecs, the suspenders caressing against the hard planes of his chest, peeking out from the turnout coat hanging open. 

When Carlos notices where TK’s eyes have gone, he lifts himself out of his ridiculously sexy lean to stand and shrug out of the coat. How on earth anyone can make the removing of standard-issue PPE look so goddamned alluring, TK will never know. The movement causes Carlos’ shoulders to flex, and the cotton of the t-shirt nearly gives out. TK catches a peek of his own name in bright orange lettering across the back of the coat before it’s casually flipped over one massive shoulder, clinging to one finger. 

“I...holy shit,” is all he can say. He has been robbed of his entire vocabulary. He can hear his team snickering at him from the kitchen, but he pays them no mind. The view from here is much better. 

Carlos blushes a bit more, and tosses the coat down to TK, who catches it dazedly. Then, he watches as his absolutely gorgeous fiancé nimbly climbs down the footholds on the side of the truck like he’s done it a thousand times before, and between drooling and sucking in subtle breaths of air TK’s eyes are drawn directly to his ass. It’s a marvelous sight. 

Dropping down lightly onto the floor with a tiny bounce in his step, Carlos turns to face TK in all his glory. TK’s gaze once again runs the gambit from his shoulders down his torso, right down to his own spare pair of boots. 

Carlos saunters closer, knowing full well what he’s doing and loving every minute of it, the bastard. “So, babe,” he says in that same low voice, closer this time. “You like my costume?”

TK still can’t really form words. He might stutter a bit, but he’ll deny it later.

Carlos leans in close--presumably to deter their audience from hearing his next words, which are whispered directly into TK’s ear. 

“I chose to dress up as your secret fantasy,” he says, his lips caressing the shell of TK’s ear. He shivers, though from the words or the touch or the outfit or all of the above, TK can’t say. The next words he hears don’t help matters much.

“What do you say I rescue you from work? Take you home and give you some mouth-to-mouth?” 

TK can hear the desire behind the words, but he can also hear the tiniest giggle at the blatant dirty talk that Carlos actually doesn’t do that much of, and it makes his heart melt. This man is everything.

When he regains some coherency, TK decides to give back as much as he’s gotten. He runs his hands down Carlos’ torso, nearly dropping one suspender completely off his shoulder with his vigor in grabbing a handful of pectoral muscle. 

He leans back in and says into Carlos’ ear, “Well, have you still got your uniform in your car? It might be a bit big on me, but I think I’d look good in nothing but your utility belt. Should I handcuff you to the bed, firefighter Reyes?”

He leans back just enough to catch Carlos scrunching his eyes shut and biting his lip--desire written into every line of his face--and suddenly remembers their audience. This is not a free show, no matter how much help they provided Carlos in surprising TK with this. “Take me home, now.”

“You got it, babe.” With that, Carlos bends down, grabs TK by the waist, and lifts him like he weighs nothing. TK is thrown over his shoulder in a full fireman’s carry to the tune of his team, his friends, whistling and catcalling as he’s carried off to Carlos’ car. 

Yeah, this is a good Halloween. Maybe the best one yet. 

[marjansmarwani]

like I was already brave enough to let go

7.2k || Chapter 1/2 || ao3

Enzo understands that leaving New York in the wake of everything is what's best for TK, but that doesn't make it any easier. Watching his stepson pack up all his broken pieces and move across the country hurts him in ways he can't describe, mostly due to the knowledge that there will be a distance between them that has never existed before. So he takes the time to check-in, to keep track of TK. To be there for him, no matter what.

He's just starting to wish that he had picked somewhere other than Austin, because he is quickly discovering he is not built for this level of stress.

After reading @futures-tense’s Enzo fic (that everyone should read, it is phenomenal) I couldn’t get thoughts of him and his relationship with TK out of my head, so naturally I wrote this. It fits into canon evetns and this is only chapter 1 of 2, because while I so have an outline for season 2 events, this was getting long so I figured I’d at least post what I had. 

Massive thanks to @silvarafael and @justaswampdemon for all their help and support with this, you’re both the best!

-----------------

He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting when TK opened his apartment door, but the sad shell of the boy Enzo had come to love as his own wasn’t it. 

Or maybe it was, but it hurt all the same. 

“Hey kid,” he said softly, stepping carefully around him and into the apartment. He looked around the small space, taking in all the boxes haphazardly labeled and partially packed. “So, it’s true. Your mom told me but I don’t think I believed her. Never thought I’d see the day TK Strand willingly left New York for Texas, of all places.” 

“Who says it’s willingly,” he said dully as he shut the door behind Enzo. 

Enzo turned and studied him more closely, taking in the downturned eyes and anxious fingers thumbing the seam of his hoodie pocket, “Do you not want to go? Because you can stay here. I’ll talk to your mom, you can stay with us if you…” 

But TK cut him off with a shake of his head, “No,” he said, “I think I need to do this. Dad’s right, I need a fresh start. I can’t...I don’t think I can be here anymore. When I think of staying here, I don’t see a way forward. I think if I stayed here I’d…” he trailed off, but Enzo felt a chill rush through him at the implication of what TK hadn’t said. He tried to meet his eyes but TK looked away, casting his gaze downward and away from Enzo’s sympathetic eyes. 

It hurt him more than he could say to see TK like this. For all his struggles he had always been a happy kid. He had always been someone who found the joy in life where he could and he had always worn his emotions on his sleeve, for better or worse. Seeing him like this and knowing what had happened hurt Enzo in ways he couldn’t fully describe because he didn’t know the right words. All he knew for sure is that this was not the TK he had known and loved for 16 years standing before him. This was a stranger; someone he had only seen once before during a time he had hoped to never revisit. 

He hadn’t asked what happened because he knew enough and he wasn’t about to make the kid revisit it just so he could fill in some blanks. He might not know everything but he knew enough to feel hot anger course through him at the thought of someone breaking that too big heart of his. TK had always been someone who loved fully and completely, and to see that thrown back in his face so spectacularly made Enzo—a typically steady and calm man — strongly consider homicide. 

He had every confidence that Gwyn could get him out of any charges too, but he pushed that thought aside to focus on the scene before him.  

“This isn’t your fault, TK.” 

TK turned away from him, absently picking up some books from the table and dropping them into one of the boxes. “I know I didn’t make Alex cheat,” he says eventually, “but the rest of it? That is completely on me Enzo, no one else.” 

He could sense that the kid had more to say so he let him go, watching from the doorway as he listlessly picked up other odds and ends from around his apartment, tossing them into boxes without any real care as to what the labels on the side said. He knew TK would speak up when he was ready and it was only a few more minutes before he did. 

“Eight years,” he finally said, his rough voice breaking the silence of the half-packed apartment. “Eight fucking years of sobriety, all gone. And that’s all on me. It doesn’t matter what Alex did, I’m the one who made the choice. I am the one who let him have that power over me and…” he broke off, meeting Enzo’s eyes for a moment before looking away and swallowing. “I do need to leave,” he said eventually. “I don’t trust myself to stay here anymore. I don’t know if I’d survive it.” 

Enzo could feel his heart breaking for the kid. He wasn’t a kid anymore — now 26 and an adult — but in Enzo’s eyes sometimes he was still the 10-year-old who met his eyes shyly when Gwyn first introduced them, the 14-year-old who had admitted to him in a terrified whisper that he thought he might like boys, the 19-year-old who had come to him because he wanted to enroll in the fire academy and didn’t know how his mother would take it. The feeling he had now was just like the feelings he had had then. This overwhelming love and desire to protect him from everything bad in the world; from anyone that ever told him he wasn’t enough. 

And just like he had then, he stepped forward, closing the space between them to pull him into a hug. He held him close, pressing his face into his chest and placing a kiss on the top of his head. “You’re making the smart choice then,” he said evenly. “And, as much as I’ll miss you, I’m proud of you for doing what you have to do. You’ve beat this once and you’ll beat it again, I have no doubt about that.” 

He knew he wasn’t imagining it when the body in his arms sagged in relief. It made him clutch him that much tighter as he spoke again, hoping what he was about to say was a given but needing to say it anyway:  “And I will always be here for you, no matter where you live. I’m always just a phone call away, you know that, right?”

TK’s voice was muffled by the material of Enzo’s sweater, but he could still hear the tears in it clear as day, “I do.” 

“Good,” Enzo replied firmly, releasing his grip on TK and stepping back so he could meet his eyes. “Because I will be calling to check-in, that is a promise.” 

---------------

Watching him leave was bittersweet, but he believed TK when he said it was something he needed to do. He took some solace in the fact that he wouldn’t be alone. Enzo and Owen Strand may have had their differences over the years (many, many differences) but if there was one thing Enzo had never doubted it was the other man’s love for his son. He knew that TK was in good hands, but that didn’t make it any easier. 

He got confirmation they had arrived in Austin in the form of a text that included a picture of a shop selling cowboy hats that simply said, “turns out people actually do where these here. Yes, it looks as ridiculous as it sounds.” It is followed by another two days later that noted the crimes Texas has committed against pizza and though Enzo was still filled with worry, he allowed himself to smile and take it as a sign that he was healing, be it ever so slightly. 

He gave it almost a week before he called. He wanted to hear TK’s voice; to have proof that he really was okay, but he also wanted to give him time. His patience was helped by the fact that Gwyn had spoken to her son but eventually, he decided that he needed to hear from him himself.  

TK answered by the third ring, sounding out of breath. He greeted him warmly, and Enzo could hear the commotion of construction in the background. He raised an eyebrow, “What, did you decide to leave the fire department and become a contractor when I wasn’t looking?” 

This pulled a laugh out of TK and Enzo took a moment to savor the familiar sound. It felt like far too long since he’s last heard it. 

“No. Dad decided we should re-do the firehouse, to give everyone a fresh start. I figured I might as well help out. Besides,” he added with a shrug Enzo could almost hear, “demolition is the far healthier method of coping with feelings, right?” 

“When done with permission,” Enzo quipped in response. “How are you doing kid, has the pizza chased you away yet?” 

TK scoffed, “No, but it was a close thing. Honestly, I really haven’t had that much time to dwell. I’ve been helping with the demo and construction, as well as the candidate interviews and paperwork. I haven’t really taken too much time to think about anything.” 

TK said it matter of factly and Enzo almost moved past it. But he knew TK better than most. “You don’t have to punish yourself, kid,” he told him gently. “All you need to do is heal.”

“I’m not punishing myself,” TK objected, “I’m just...trying to keep busy. To distract myself.” 

TK might very well think that, but Enzo was pretty sure it wasn’t true. But he was willing to move past it, for now. 

“Tell me about the new crew,” he said instead, and smiled as TK launched into stories about a daredevil from Miami and a possible psychic from Chicago. He seemed enthusiastic and Enzo didn’t realize how good it felt to hear that until he had. It was like there was a little bit of life back in his voice and though he knew TK still had a long way to go to make this better, he was relieved to see that he was at least on the way. 

------------

For a while, everything seemed to be going great. TK called and texted him from time to time, sharing anecdotes from calls and his new crew, and each time Enzo thinks he can hear just a little bit more of his old self returning to his voice. Sure he complains about one of them, for a while, but that too seems to sort itself out. 

He could tell there is someone new in his life too, even if TK is hedgy about it at best. But Enzo was the first one to know that TK was gay at 14; he knew how to spot the signs. 

“Why won’t you tell me about him?” he asked him one day, voice light and teasing as he stuffed his papers into his bag. “Is there something horribly wrong with him?”

“No,” TK countered emphatically, “there is nothing wrong with him. Absolutely nothing,” he added, almost an unconscious mutter Enzo was not entirely sure he was supposed to hear. 

“So if there is ‘absolutely nothing’ wrong with him, why aren't you going for it?” 

There was silence on the other end as Enzo slid his bag onto his shoulder, patiently waiting the younger man out. 

“You know why,” he eventually said, voice low and sad. Enzo grimaced at how pained his voice sounded and he dropped back into his desk chair with a sigh.

“TK…” he began, but the younger man cut him off firmly. 

“No, Enzo. I...I thought I could. I thought we could have something casual and that I could handle it. But then he wanted more and I hurt him. I don’t want to do that, he doesn’t deserve it. He’s too good to get dragged into my shitshow.” 

“Have you asked him what he wants?” Enzo asked gently. 

The bark of laughter TK gave at that was sharp and harsh, “Yeah, that should go well. Definitely won’t lead to me having to explain to this guy I’ve hooked up with a handful of times all the ways I’m fucked up right now.”

Enzo sighed again, leaning back in his chair, “It won’t always be like this, T. Someday you will be ready to try again, but only if you let yourself consider the possibility. Can you at least promise me that?”

There was silence for a long stretch and Enzo was about to ask him again when TK’s voice finally responded quietly, “Yes.” 

“Good,” Enzo responded firmly, “because no matter what happened, you still deserve happiness. And someday you’ll be ready to let it in again — maybe sooner than you think.” 

The sound of acknowledgment TK made sounded skeptical at best, but Enzo would take it. He knew he was right and he knew that someday TK would realize it too. Maybe even sooner than he thought. 

------------

It’s about a week later when Enzo’s phone rings, nearly making him jump as he is pulled abruptly from his stack of midterms. It took him a few moments of shuffling blue books to even locate his phone and when he did he frowned at both the time and the name displayed on the screen. 

“Hey kid,” he said lightly as he answered the phone, “what’s up?” 

He had hoped he was overreacting, that TK was just calling him late because he was on shift and had lost track of the time. He had hoped that maybe the universe was finally giving the kid a break. 

The despair and fear so clear in TK’s voice quickly prove him wrong.  

“Hey Enzo,” he said softly, “fuck, I know it’s late and I’m sorry to bother you, but I just really needed to talk to someone.” 

“You are never a bother,” Enzo told him firmly, capping his pen and setting it down on his desk. “What’s wrong?” 

“I…” TK began before stopping, taking a deep breath and trying again, “I don’t know for sure yet, but I know something is.”

And Enzo believed him. The fear in his voice is so raw Enzo could feel every ounce of it even from a timezone away. “I’m going to need more than that, kid,” he told him gently, leaning back in his chair as he waited TK out. 

“I found something,” TK said eventually, “that I definitely wasn’t supposed to find. And it means something awful. Something I don’t know if I can handle. But it also means he doesn’t trust me,” TK continued, “and somehow that almost feels worse.”

Enzo frowned, pondering all the non-specific details in his mind. He didn’t know all that much about his stepson’s life in Austin, but he knew enough to know that while he was close to his new crew, he wasn’t close enough to be this upset by an omission from one of them. That left him with two possibilities: the mysterious man he was not seeing, or Owen. 

And Enzo knew which option was more likely and it made his heart sink. TK might not be sharing but Ezno knew both the Strand men better than most. If there was something Owen felt strongly enough to keep from his son that TK was this upset about, it wasn’t good news.

“You don’t have to tell me what it is,” he said cautiously, “but is it something about your dad?” 

There was a deep, shuddering breath before TK responded, “Yeah.” 

And Enzo shut his eyes, the hurt and fear in TK’s voice telling him all he needed to know. 

“I don’t know what this is about,” he said eventually, “and you don’t have to tell me. But I do know you, and I know whatever it is you are going to want to be there for him, because that’s who you are. Let him know that, and the rest will follow from there.” 

There was silence again, but Enzo waited TK out. He was familiar with this rhythm; when something was bothering TK he often took his time to make sure he had the words right before he spoke. Over the years Enzo had learned to wait him out knowing that he would get to his point when he was ready.  

He did a few moments later, “I do want to be there for him,” TK agreed, “I just know why he didn’t tell me. He doesn’t think I can handle it — and he’s right,” TK confessed softly, “I don’t know if I can.” 

“You can,” Ezno assured him firmly, “you can do anything you set your mind to. You always have.” 

He let his words sink in for a moment before he added, “And I would talk to your dad before you make any assumptions. Let him know he can rely on you, let him know you want to be there.” 

“You make it sound so easy,” TK said dryly, and Enzo huffed a laugh. 

“In a way it is. It’s just words. It’s the actions behind them that are hard.” 

There was silence again before TK spoke, his voice so quiet Enzo almost missed his next words, “I’m scared.” 

“It’s okay to be scared,” Enzo reminded him, “sometimes fear is the appropriate response.” 

But even as he said it, he could feel his heart breaking. He didn’t know what was going on and while he was sure he would find out soon enough, he couldn’t help but hate whatever it was. TK deserved some time to find himself, to heal and simply exist. He didn’t understand why the universe kept throwing such curveballs at him, but he wished with every fiber of his being it would stop. 

“Sometimes it is,” TK agreed in a tone that made Enzo wonder even more what this was all about. But he didn’t ask; TK would tell him when he was ready. For now he would just be here for him. Sometimes that was all he could do. 

--------------

As much as Enzo couldn’t help but worry about the younger man, sometimes the updates were a sign that things were getting better for him, slowly but surely. 

One such time came as he and Gwyn were sitting on the couch together, Enzo making a case for watching Jeopardy with Gwyn adamantly refusing. 

“No,” she said again with a firm shake of her head, “it always ends the same way.” 

He shrugged, “I can’t help that you’re too competitive, or that I’m better at it then you are,” he added, giving her a sly grin. 

“We can’t all have PhDs in history,” she said wryly, “some of us need to work for a living.” 

He opened his mouth to fire back a retort but was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. “Saved by the bell,” he said instead with a shake of his head as he dug his phone out of his pocket. He frowned when he saw the familiar name on the screen and turned it so Gwyn could see. 

“Hey T,” he said cautiously as he answered, “everything good?” 

There was a lot of noise in the background but he could hear TK’s voice clearly as he answered, “Yeah, I just had a question for you. These people don’t believe me so I need your cred as a Columbia history professor to back me up.” 

Enzo raised an eyebrow at Gwyn, who had leaned closer to hear. She bit her lip against a laugh and he shook his head fondly, “I’ll do what I can. What’s the question?” 

“Hang on,” TK said, “I’m going to put you on speaker.” There was the sound of fumbling before the background noise grew louder and TK’s voice returned. “Okay guys,” he was saying, “this is my stepdad Enzo. He’s a history professor at Columbia and if you don’t believe me maybe you’ll believe him. You want to ask him the question, Paul?” 

“Man, you didn’t need to…” 

“No, this is a point of pride now.” TK objected indignantly and Enzo glanced at Gwyn to see that she had fully pressed a hand against her mouth to stop any laughter from slipping out and giving away her eavesdropping. “Ask him,�� TK prompted and there was a sigh before a new voice joined the conversation. 

“Sir, we are so sorry to bother you. TK’s just being a sore loser.” 

“Paul, right?” Enzo asked and got a sound of confirmation in return, “You don’t have to tell me that, I helped raise him.” There was an indignant noise in the background, likely from TK, but Enzo ignored it. “What’s the question?” 

“Who invented the first movie camera?” 

“Louis Le Prince,” Enzo replied without hesitation, unable to suppress a chuckle at the sound of TK’s triumphant ha! In the background. “You guys thought it was Edison, didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah,” Paul admitted sheepishly and Enzo chuckled lightly.

“That’s understandable. Edison was the first person to mass market it and the first to get recognized for it, but Le Prince was actually the first. But he mysteriously disappeared in 1890, right before he was set to take a trip to the US to talk about his invention. So he never got a chance to market it.” 

There was silence for a moment before Paul spoke again, “So is there any proof Edison had him killed or…?” 

“No,” Enzo admitted, “but that is one of the theories for sure. Another is his brother did it over the family will. Either way, Edison was not the first.” 

“Huh,” Paul said thoughtfully, “that’s actually fascinating. Dude, I’m sorry for doubting you.” 

“It’s fine,” TK said evenly, “I am more than a pretty face you know.” 

There was a collective snort from the other end of the phone and Enzo glanced at Gwyn to roll his eyes. She shook her head fondly and he returned his attention to the call, “Any other burning history questions or was that it?” 

The background noise lessened as TK took the phone off speaker. “No, that’s it. Thanks, Enzo.” 

“Anytime kid,” he told him, “you know I love to flex my random history facts.” That got another laugh out of TK, but Enzo could still hear the background noise of a group in the background. The sounds of easy comradery set his mind at ease in a way not much else had since TK had left for Texas. “Why don’t you get back to your friends and I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay, thanks again.” 

“Don’t mention it. I love you kid.” 

“Love you too. Say hi to mom for me?” 

“You’ve got it.” 

With that the call was over and Enzo was left back in their silent living room, Gwyn looking at him with a soft smile. 

“He sounds happy,” she said after a moment, her voice warm but thick. He nodded. 

“He does. As much as I do hate to admit it, I think going to Austin may have the best thing for him.” 

“You just hate that Owen was right.” 

“And you don’t?” he asked her with a raised eyebrow. 

“Well that’s a given,” she quipped, leaning closer to him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed them as she rested her head on her shoulder. “I’m just glad he’s doing better,” she said softly after a moment, “I’ve been so worried about him.” 

“Me too,” he admitted, pressing a kiss to the top of her hair. That sat in silence for a few more moments, each lost in their own thoughts before he spoke again. 

“So is that still a no to Jeopardy or…?”

She swatted at him and he grinned, ducking away from the light hit. Things seemed to have returned to their equilibrium, and that was a relief. 

He just hoped it stayed that way. 

-------------------

When he was wrested from sleep by the shrill sound of his phone ringing cutting through the late-night silence of his bedroom, Enzo groaned. He swore under his breath as he fumbled for the device, blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he did. But when he managed to grasp his phone and saw the name on the screen, all thoughts of annoyance fled his mind. Owen Strand calling him was rarely a good sign. Owen Strand calling him at 2 am promised nothing short of disaster. 

“Owen?” he said as he answered, skipping any and all attempts at pleasantries. “Is everything okay?”

He could afford to give the universe the benefit of the doubt, he decided; even if only for a moment. 

When Owen’s reply came it was in a voice Enzo didn’t recognize. It was shaky and uncertain in a way that the other man never was. 

“Enzo, hey. I’m sorry to bother you but Gwyn’s not answering her phone and…” he broke off with a shaky breath, “I really need to talk to her.” 

“She’s in Beijing,” Enzo replied, sitting up and switching on the lamp beside him. “And given the time difference, probably in a meeting.”

He heard Owen swear distantly before he felt fear rise up in him. Owen calling him at 2 in the morning looking for Gwyn and out of sorts only added up to one thing, but Enzo so hoped he was wrong. 

“Owen, did something happen to TK?” he forced himself to ask; the stress of not knowing was worse than anything else. 

He could hear Owen take another breath, deep and shaky and filled with something else Enzo couldn’t identify on a phone call from half a country away. 

“There was an...incident,” Owen said softly, voice still unsteady, “on our last call.”

Enzo’s mind was already spinning, stumbling from one horrible possibility from another. 

“There was a man with dementia who broke into his old house and a homeowner who had a cardiac event and TK broke down the door and….he was shot.” 

Enzo heard the words, he knew he did. But he couldn’t have. If he had heard them that would mean that TK had been shot and that was not something that could be true. His stepson was a firefighter. It was a profession that came with enough risks of its own. He had spent countless days worried and fearful at the thought of rescues gone wrong, of untamable flames and unstable buildings. Never once had he even entertained the thought of a bullet being a risk to watch out for. Bullets were supposed to be the problem of other people with other jobs — not his stepson, who already had so many dangers to face. 

But it was true. The fear and pain in Owen’s voice told him it was true. There was an edge of both hysteria and despair in his words and that more than anything scared Enzo more than he could say.

“Where?” was the first coherent thought he could form. 

“Just below his left shoulder” Owen repeated mechanically. “His...his lung collapsed before we were even out of the hallway. Enzo, he couldn’t breathe. He kept trying but he couldn’t and there was so much blood....” Owen trailed off and Enzo could hear the unmistakable sound of a sob in the background even as his own hands trembled and his eyes watered. 

“Is he…” he started, but he couldn’t make himself say the words. He couldn’t speak the awful possibility into existence. 

“He’s headed to surgery,” Owen replied. “I don’t know anything more than that, we only got here about 15 minutes ago. I just...I just hope it was fast enough.” 

There was silence then as the two men allowed the same fear to consume them from opposite ends of the country. Enzo felt a morbid camaraderie with the other man in that moment. In the 16 years they had known each other it was safe to say that they had never exactly gotten along. They had always been polite and cordial for the sake of Gwyn, TK, and family gatherings but they were too different in too many ways that mattered to ever truly be friends. They had only ever agreed on one thing, and now that was the thing that tied them together — loving TK.  

“You got him there as fast as you could Owen,” Enzo assured him without hesitation because there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that it wasn’t true. “You did everything you could. Any chance he has is because of you.” 

“I think the credit lays more with the paramedics,” Owen objected, “but I appreciate the effort all the same.” 

Enzo opened his mouth again, not quite sure what he was going to say but feeling the overwhelming need to say something, but he was interrupted before he got the chance to figure it out. 

There was a noise on the other end followed by the sound of shuffling as Owen attended to whatever it was. When his voice returned, it was tight. 

“That’s Gwyn on the other line, I’ve gotta take it. But listen, Enzo…”

But Enzo just shook his head, “Don’t worry about it Owen, talk to her. Just, keep me updated?” 

“Of course,” he replied without hesitation, “as soon as I know anything.” 

Then with another hurried goodbye, the call was over and Enzo was left in the dark and quiet bedroom, alone. It wasn’t long before the tears he had felt threatening began to fall in earnest as he wrapped his mind around this reality and allowed himself to dwell on it. There was a chance — a very real and terrifying chance — that they could lose TK. That Gwyn and Owen could lose the son they had brought into this world and loved for 26 years. That Enzo could lose one of the people he loved the most. The thought of TK not existing anymore was too horrible to dwell on. 

Enzo was a religious man. He had been raised by a small Jewish family in a large community and his faith had been something that he had always had. It had seen him through so much. But now, with this, he had to wonder. It didn’t make sense that TK — his wonderful, caring stepson who had dedicated his life to helping people — should have to suffer so much in such a short time on earth. It went against everything he had ever believed about putting good into the world. Why should TK — who had never done anything to hurt anyone — have to suffer so? Why should he? He didn’t want to know what life without TK looked like. 

More than anything, he hated that he might find out. 

When Gwyn called him a few minutes later he pushed his own tears aside. He murmured soft reassurances as she sobbed in a quiet corner of a Beijing office building, consumed with fear and grief a world away from her child who was slipping further and further from them with every passing moment. He gave her empty platitudes, reassured her the best he could. 

But all the while the fear was drilling a hole straight through his chest. This, he decided, was the worst fear he had ever felt. 

The worst part was there was nothing he could do but wait, and hope desperately for the best. 

----------------

The next several days were some of the longest of Enzo’s life. Each day he woke up and went about the day. Each day he kept his phone volume on, not wanting to miss any news either way. Each day an update came from Owen and each day it was the same: no change. 

He debated going out to Austin — he had been halfway through buying a ticket online half a dozen times — but each time he stopped himself. Logically he knew that being there wouldn’t change anything. He would still be waiting, he’d just be waiting there. He told himself he was needed here, that he couldn’t just pick up and go across the country with no warning. It was the end of the semester and he had students to help to finish the course or their dissertation. He told himself staying was the responsible option, but he knew that it was largely just a distraction. But he would take any distraction he could get and so he pushed the guilt of not being there to the side

He taught his classes, he went through the motions. He fielded calls from Gwyn, still stuck in China and frantic with worry. Each day he reassured her; reminded her that TK was strong, young, and healthy. Above all that, he reminded her, he was stubborn. No bullet or coma was going to take him from them before he was ready. 

Of course there was the private fear, the one he didn’t want to share, that he didn’t want to hang on anyone else. The one he was afraid to say out loud. 

It was the thought that maybe, after everything, that was exactly what he did want. That maybe this was an out and that maybe, he would take it. That maybe he didn’t want to be alive anymore. 

But that was a possibility too horrible to accept. Maybe it was selfish, but Enzo knew that even if that was the case, he wasn’t ready. He doubted he ever would be, but he certainly wasn’t now. He knew both Gwyn and Owen would agree. No time was a good time to lose your child — step or otherwise — but now, after this — after everything — was not the time. 

So he waited, and hoped. 

Time seemed to blend together and before he knew it one day had become two, which had stretched into four. Each moment passed the same way — tensely, with no news. 

He knew he had been distracted too — keeping his ringer on during class and checking in throughout his lectures and office hours. He had apologized to his classes after the second telemarketer had caused him to drop everything and lunge for his phone, citing a family emergency and word had slowly gotten around. Soon it wasn’t just him hoping for the best, but most of the Columbia history department as well. Their well wishes were touching, but nothing short of good news was going to make him feel any better. 

So when his phone did finally ring on a Thursday afternoon, 5 days after the fateful call, he picked it up with trepidation. The name on the screen sent his heart racing and he nearly dropped his phone in his haste to answer it. 

“Owen?” he asked tersely, “Any updates?”   

Because since that night they hadn’t spoken. All updates had come in the form of texts and the thought of Owen finally having something to tell him one way or the other simultaneously thrilled him and nearly froze him with fear. 

But it wasn’t Owen’s voice that answered. 

“Hey Enzo,” TK said, the sound of his voice rushing through Enzo’s body like a current of electricity. He sank back into his seat with a wobbly laugh, feeling nearly a week's worth of tension fall away as he listened to the miraculous sound of TK breathing on the other end of the phone. 

“Hey kid,” he said warmly. “You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. How are you feeling?” 

“Okay,” he answered, “I really don’t feel too bad at all. A little sore, a little tired, but overall not bad.” 

“I hear getting shot will do that to you,” Enzo retorted drily before sighing and running a weary hand down his face. “You scared the shit out of me, TK,” he admitted. 

“Sorry,” TK replied softly, “I didn’t mean to worry anyone.” 

“It’s not your fault,” Enzo rushed to reassure him, “I know you didn’t ask for this to happen but...shit TK, I am not built for this. Do you think you could avoid getting shot in the future, for my sanity at the very least?” 

“I’ll try,” TK responded with a chuckle, “I don’t remember most of it but I don’t think it’s anything I want to revisit.”  

“No, I’d imagine not,” Enzo retorted wryly. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, each lost in their own thoughts and taking comfort from the presence of the other even if it was only over a phone call from half a country away. “So,” he finally said, leaning into normal conversation for the sake of normalcy, “is your dad driving you nuts yet?” 

“Yes,” TK responded emphatically, “he has been hovering non-stop, and he brought a date.” 

Enzo could hear indignant sputtering in the background and Owen muttering something about him not bringing a date, that his date had simply come to visit him to see how he was doing and, maybe because of all the fear and stress of the past week, Enzo could only laugh. 

“That sounds like your dad,” he retorted once he caught his breath, “and I wouldn’t count on that changing anytime soon.” 

“She seemed cool at least,” TK allowed, voice teasing, “I don’t know why he was trying to keep her a secret.”

“Excuse you,” Owen’s voice objected from the background, “I am not the one who had a hot cop sitting by my bedside. You don’t get to talk about keeping secrets.”

“Dad,” TK groaned and Enzo’s eyebrows shot up. 

“Oh, so the mystery man is a cop,” he teased, “and the plot thickens.” 

Now it was TK’s turn to splutter, “Nope, we are not doing this. That is more than enough from both of you,” he declared and Enzo could hear Owen chuckling at his son’s indignation from the background. It was a slice of normal that he had feared he’d never get again. To be sitting here hearing TK’s voice, teasing him about something so simple as the guy he had a crush on seemed like a miracle and Enzo was grateful for it.

Everything was normal again, at long last. 

----------------

Sometimes he thinks that turning on news alerts for Austin was the worst decision he had ever made. 

It seemed practical, at the time. An easy way to stay in the know, to have an idea of what kind of calls TK may have seen on any given day. But now he was frozen in the middle of the hallway after one of his classes staring at a notification about a solar storm that had blasted through Austin, leaving devastation in its wake; regretting every decision that led him to this point. 

He knew TK was still on medical leave. He knew that he should be home and resting after only being released from the hospital two days before. But he also knew his stepson and knew that whenever there was trouble, TK was usually not too far behind. 

It was with that thought in his mind that he stepped out out the middle of the hallway and leaned against the wall as he waited anxiously for the call to connect. The sound of a pleasant robotic voice informing him that his call could not be completed filled him with dread, but he forced himself to take a breath. It didn’t mean anything. The grid was likely overloaded right now; Enzo couldn’t say he knew for sure what kind of damage a solar storm could do but he was willing to guess that it wasn’t great for the electronic infrastructure. 

Left with no other options he went on about his day, the familiar anxiety he had only recently shed slipping back over him like a worn winter coat. He tried calling a few more times, trying to ignore how the dread in his gut grew each and every time the call didn’t go through. He resisted the urge to ask one of his science colleagues to explain the specifics of a solar storm; reasoning that dealing with his own uncertainty would be far kinder than having confirmed facts. At least this way, he decided, he could tell himself he was overreacting. 

It was far too many hours before his phone rang; an unfamiliar number appearing on his lock screen. He frowned at it but swiped to answer. He did list his cell number on all of his course syllabi, but for the most part his students stuck to his campus email, or — in desperate times — text. 

“Dr. Cohen,” he answered, mentally placing bets as to whether it was actually a student or a robot trying to inform him about the extended warranty of the car he didn’t own.

To his immense relief, it was neither. Instead, a familiar voice answered, sending a rush of relief through him at the sound, “Hey, Enzo, it’s me.” 

“TK,” he breathed, setting down the paper he had been reading and closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. “Are you okay?” 

“More or less,” he answered sheepishly and Enzo was about to push for more than that when he caught the distinct sound of a hospital intercom in the background. 

“Tyler Kennedy Strand, are you in the hospital again?” he demanded and he heard a weary sigh from the other end before a quiet “yeah” was muttered. 

“It’s not a big deal though,” TK rushed to explain, “I’m fine. I just pulled my stitches.” 

There was another voice in the background that Enzo didn’t recognize and could barely hear, but what he could hear made it clear that the other voice was not impressed either. 

“Well, what was I supposed to do?” TK demanded, and Enzo was not entirely sure who he was speaking to, “Let her drown in a burning bus?” 

“You just got out of the hospital!” Enzo objected when he could form words again, “What were you doing somewhere where there was a burning bus?!” 

“We just went out for boba,” TK retorted, “I didn’t expect there to be a solar storm that caused a bus accident.” 

And Enzo forced himself to take a deep breath because that was fair, he supposed. There was no way anyone could control anything like that. Still…

“The next time you move we’re going to need to do some research,” he declared. “Because if it is anywhere as chaotic as Austin, I’m going to have to object.” 

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” TK assured him, “I think I’ll be in Austin for a while.” 

There was a smile in his voice and Enzo somehow had the feeling he was intruding on something, even though TK had been the one to call him. 

“What number are you calling me from?” he asked, testing his theory. 

“I borrowed Carlos’s phone,” TK answered in a voice that said he knew what was coming and he hoped it would at least be quick. 

“Oh,” Enzo replied, “and Carlos wouldn’t happen to be the name of a certain ‘hot cop’ your father mentioned, aka the mystery man I have been trying to get you to tell me about for months?”

“Yes.”

“And when you say ‘we’ were trying to get boba…” 

“Enzo…”  

“And he wouldn’t happen to be with you right now, would he?” 

“Are you done?” TK demanded, and Enzo only laughed. 

“Not nearly, kid; I’m just getting started.” 

And despite TK’s muttering, Enzo could tell that he sounded happier than he had heard him sound in ages. He marveled at the fact that somehow, despite everything, TK had managed to find the happiness and peace he had hoped for him ever since he left New York all those months ago. Between the disasters he had managed to take his broken pieces and fit them back together, maybe even stronger than they had been before. 

It was all he had ever wanted for him, and he was relieved beyond belief that he had found it. 

“You know, this means I’m going to have to come down there soon,” he said instead, “I’ve got to meet this mystery man for myself.” 

He could practically hear TK rolling his eyes, but his voice was impossibly warm when he assured him, “You’ll like him, Enzo.” 

“Do you like him?” he asked.

“Yeah,” TK responded without a moment’s hesitation, “I do.” 

“Then I already do,” he assured him. 

If this Carlos had anything to do with the happiness he could finally hear returned to his stepson’s voice, he couldn’t do anything but. 

[morganaspendragonss]

reckless but honest words

However much TK had thought he’d grown used to his parents’ shit, he’s far from prepared for the next words that come out of his dad’s mouth.

“We’re - that is to say, your mom - well… We’re having a baby.”

ao3 | 2.3k | title from anger by sleeping at last

TK narrows his eyes as he walks into his parents’ house, the trepidation that’s been building throughout the day coming to a peak as he spots them waiting for him on the couch. His dad had texted earlier, specifically requesting he come home tonight instead of going to Carlos’s, and while TK hadn’t exactly had any objections, it had given him a bad feeling.

His suspicions are instantly confirmed when he sees his parents’ unnatural postures, the way they’re smiling at him just a bit too widely. He walks in cautiously, feeling weirdly like he’s heading into a trap, though there’s nothing in the room that would outwardly suggest so.

Just his mom and dad, and how they keep looking between him and each other, like they’re in on some sort of joke that TK’s the butt of. 

“What’s going on?” he asks, easing himself into an armchair. They share another glance - giggling, for god’s sake - and clasp hands.

“TK,” his dad starts. “Your mom and I… We’ve got some news.”

TK eyes them warily, his mind instantly flashing to the possibility that his dad’s cancer is back. He dismisses the thought almost immediately - they’re far too happy for it to be that - but he also can’t think of what else it could be. Maybe his mom is moving in permanently? Which… TK wouldn’t be opposed, but he’s not sure how much longer he can cope with their bickering, and he’s barely here half the time.

“Do you want to tell him?” his dad asks, but she shakes her head and waves her hand towards him.

“Go ahead.”

And however much TK had thought he’d grown used to his parents’ shit, he’s far from prepared for the next words that come out of his dad’s mouth.

“We’re - that is to say, your mom - well… We’re having a baby.”

They grin at him, waiting expectantly for…congratulations, TK guesses? A hysterical laugh bubbles up in his chest, and he’s barely able to push it down, clamping his jaw firmly shut until he feels like he’s in control again.

“You… You’re serious,” he says eventually.

“Well, it’s hardly the sort of thing you joke about,” his dad says, laughing a little. His mom swats at him, but they’re both still smiling, both still acting like this isn’t incredibly fucked up.

“How long have you known?”

“A while,” his mom admits. “We weren’t going to keep it, but then we thought about it and we realised that we both want a child. Another one.”

TK barely notices her hastily added-on amendment. He gets what she means - he’s not a child, and hasn’t been in many years. He’s more stuck on the fact that they’re choosing to bring another child into this pressure cooker of a household, and not seeing anything wrong with that.

Even when he’d been a kid, TK had felt like he was being pulled in every direction, constantly caught in the middle of their arguments. The feeling’s eased now he’s an adult, but only because he knows he has places to escape to when it all becomes too much. He hadn’t had that growing up, and this new kid won’t have it either. 

Maybe he’s being too unfair on them; maybe they can pull it together after all. But, having borne witness to their behaviour these past few months, TK kind of doubts it. Knowing them, they’ll have decided to keep the kid by way of an argument.

And TK knows it’s far from his decision to make, but he can’t help but question them. “Are you sure you’ve thought this through?” he asks. 

Their faces drop, smiles faltering as they look at each other, seemingly having a wordless conversation. His dad nods encouragingly, and his mom turns back to him, reaching across the gap between them to take TK’s hands in her own.

“Honey…” she sighs. “We know the risks, alright? Lord knows we’ve both done enough googling. But I’m healthy, and I know what I need to do to make this pregnancy as safe as possible, and we truly believe we can beat the odds. It’ll be fine, I promise.”

She smiles hesitantly, and TK just gapes, not quite understanding how she’s managed to miss the point this badly.

“That’s not what I… Wow.” He presses his lips together in a firm line, standing up abruptly and dropping his mom’s hands. “Okay.”

He shakes his head and turns to go, but he’s stopped when they also rise, effectively blocking his path.

“Where are you going?” his mom asks, frowning in confusion.

TK feels a twinge of guilt, but he pushes it away. “Carlos’s.”

“Now, hold on a minute there, son,” his dad says. “I thought you could stay here tonight, we could have a meal as a family for once. You’re barely here these days.”

“Wonder why,” he mutters, though clearly not quietly enough judging by the way his dad flinches. TK can’t bring himself to care. “I’m going,” he says, louder this time. “I’ll see you at work.”

He squeezes past them, and makes it to the door before he’s stopped again.

“I thought you’d be happy for us.”

TK freezes, hand on the doorknob. “I am,” he lies through gritted teeth, and he doesn’t need to look to see the disappointment written all over his dad’s face. “Congrats.”

He’s gone before they can get another word in, just barely refraining from slamming the door behind him. His skin itches, his whole body jittery and on edge, and TK briefly laments the fact that he’s in no way dressed for running. He has clothes inside that he could change into, but there’s no way he’s going back in there now. He’ll just have to stick it out until he can get to Carlos’s.

Getting into his car, TK has to resist the urge to hit the steering wheel. But he doesn’t trust his parents enough to think that they aren’t watching him from the window, so he simply starts the ignition, driving away without a backward glance.

*

Carlos is surprised when he walks in, pausing his meal with the fork halfway to his mouth.

“TK,” he says, frowning. “I thought you were staying with your parents tonight.”

“Me too.” TK scowls, tossing his keys into the bowl and making a beeline for the bedroom. He feels bad for ignoring Carlos like that, but he’s worried that if he stops to think, he’ll snap, and Carlos doesn’t deserve that.

Carlos must follow him up the stairs anyway, as when TK looks up from yanking his spare running clothes out of the drawers, he’s standing in the doorway, the picture of concern. He sighs, sitting back on his heels, taking a moment to collect himself.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just… They asked me over because they had some news, and it sort of threw me. I needed to get out of there.”

Carlos nods in understanding. “Is it your dad? Was there a problem with the cancer, or something?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“That’s good, right?” Carlos is looking at him with those wide, worried eyes of his, and TK feels a little bit of his anger drain away at the sight.

“That part is, yeah,” he allows. “I’m not sure the same can be said for the rest.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

TK hesitates, then rises from the floor, shaking his head. “I will, later,” he promises, “but right now I just need to be alone.”

He quickly changes and grabs his headphones from the night stand, though he stops in his tracks when he catches sight of Carlos’s pained expression.

“Hey,” he says, crossing the room and cupping Carlos’s face in one hand. “I’m not shutting you out, I swear. I need air and some time to think, that’s all. Promise I won’t do anything stupid.”

He smiles and holds his pinky out, and Carlos huffs a brief laugh. He links their pinkies and meets TK’s eyes, searching his face. “I’m holding you to that, Strand.”

TK presses a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

*

He doesn’t know how long he runs for, but by the time he gets back he’s winded, and his thoughts are no less scrambled. The lights in the living room are off when TK walks in, but he can see a soft glow coming from upstairs that lets him know that Carlos is still awake. He’s sitting up in bed, reading, when TK manages to drag himself to the bedroom, having already showered and changed. He holds an arm out in invitation, and TK goes gratefully into the embrace, leaning his head on Carlos’s shoulder.

Carlos absent-mindedly traces circles on TK’s arm with his thumb, a silent comfort that TK relishes in.

“My mom’s pregnant,” he says eventually.

Carlos freezes. “Oh. That’s… Wow.”

TK chuckles humourlessly. “I know.” He sighs. “I feel like I shouldn’t be mad, but I can’t help it. I mean, I knew something was up, they’ve both been acting cagey for ages, but I just… I never thought it would be this.”

“I think you’ll be forgiven for not expecting it,” Carlos comments drily. 

TK hums, fiddling with the sheets. “It’s not just that, though. I’m pissed that they didn’t tell me, sure, but I’m less mad for me, and more for this kid. I know what it’s like to grow up with them, and you’ve seen how terrible the past few months have been. I can’t believe they’re seriously going to put another kid through it all.”

“Maybe they’ll work things out,” Carlos suggests, though even he sounds doubtful.

“I want to believe that. But…”

“But?”

“I don’t think they even noticed it,” he confesses, voice quiet. “I was so alone as a kid, but Mom had her firm and Dad had the firehouse, and I was just...there. I know they loved me, but that doesn’t mean they were great parents, and I don’t think they realise even half of what they did. They’re having this baby because they want the good times back, and they’re forgetting just how many bad times there were.”

Carlos squeezes his shoulders. “Shit, Ty-”

“You know it’s part of the reason I became a firefighter?” TK asks. He should probably feel guilty for interrupting, but it’s like some dam has broken inside of him and it’s all coming spilling out whether he wants it to or not. “I’d see my dad with his crew - with this family he’d built at the firehouse - and I just… I wanted in. I wanted my family back, but I couldn’t have that so I settled for inserting myself into his.

“It sort of worked, I guess. We were close. But he’s never been a father to me, exactly, not in the way I needed. I’m okay with it now, but I’m worried the same is going to happen all over again.”

Carlos waits, but TK’s done this time, gritting his teeth against the emotion welling up in him 

“Have you spoken to your dad about any of this?” Carlos asks.

TK scoffs. “I tried. Remember my identity crisis after I got shot? I went to him and told him, but he just turned it on me and started talking about 9/11 again. It’s like, I know how bad it was. I know his whole house was killed, and I know how badly that hurt him. But I was seven, and I lived through it too. It’s not the same, I get that, but I did. I think he forgets that sometimes.”

He groans, slumping down further into the bed - and, by extension, into Carlos. “I sound like a dick, don’t I?”

Carlos is silent for a long time, and when TK looks up at him, he’s worrying his bottom lip, brows creased in a frown. 

“I think…” he starts slowly, turning his head to meet TK’s eyes. “I think you’re being perfectly reasonable. Everything you just said… I can’t even imagine, Ty.”

TK stares at him, startled by how firm, how fervent Carlos’s voice is. There’s anger there, too, and it’s strangely comforting to know he’s not alone in his frustrations. Even so, TK feels the need to reassure him.

“Hey,” he murmurs, lightly touching Carlos’s arm. “You know I’m okay, right? I’m over all that.”

Carlos sends him a doubtful look.

“Mostly,” he amends. “Besides, I have you now, and the team. I’m not the one who needs to be worried about.”

“I’ll always worry about you,” Carlos says, but he sighs, relenting. “You should talk to your parents, though. They need to know how you’re feeling, especially if they’re going through with this.”

TK shrugs non-commitantly. “Yeah, maybe. Not like they’ll listen to me.”

Carlos sighs. “TK -”

“Can we not talk about this anymore?” TK interrupts, turning pleading eyes on his boyfriend. He’s tired of thinking about his parents, and he feels more than a little guilty for taking over their evening complaining about them, like he’s done far too many times before. He points to the book lying abandoned at Carlos’s side. “Tell me about that?”

Carlos sends him a look, emphatically letting TK know that he’s not going to let him push this away, but he does eventually pick up the book. “I don’t think it’s something you’ll like,” he warns.

“You like it,” TK says. “That’s enough for me.”

The brilliant smile Carlos sends him is almost enough to make him forget everything else that happened tonight. And when he starts talking, TK closes his eyes and lets Carlos’s beautiful voice wash over him, chasing any other thoughts from his head.

It’s peace, of a kind.

[therogueheart]

I Know You (You’re Part of Me)

Please note this work contains spoilers for the 911: Lonestar crossover episode. This work does not contain spoilers for 911: S04E03.

TW: No trigger warnings.

“It was you, wasn’t it?”

They were docked at the 126, invited to stop over on their way from the fireline to use the showers and change into clean clothing. Buck had let the others go first and Eddie had hung back under the pretence of calling his Abuela to let her know they were coming back.

Buck was leaning over the partition wall in the common area, head tilted, looking at Eddie like he could see right through his ribs and into his heart. 

“What was me, Buck?” he asked, arching a brow with a half-smirk. A lot had happened over the past four days and there was a lot he could answer for. Buck pouted at him in that stop trying to play with me way. 

The kind of way that made Eddie want to reel him in and leave him gasping for air.

“How did you know we’d go darkside for a rescue op?” Buck asked in lieu of answer; brows furrowing. The last of the 118 had trickled out of the showers so Eddie scooped up their bags and headed in. 

“I knew you’d go darkside. TK was a good bet, but I was fifty-fifty on whether you’d convince him to stay and take the truck yourself,” Eddie confessed. He’d seen enough of Buck in TK’s eyes to go straight to the 126 crew, though. 

He began to undress and Buck hopped up on the polished counters, legs swinging as he looked at Eddie carefully. His silence begged further explanation, and Eddie complied. 

“I know you, Buck. I knew the moment you heard someone was trapped you were gonna throw your name into the bowl. And then you found out it was someone’s father - TK’s father - and I took one look between you both and knew that was the deal done. Especially when you were told no.”

And fuck, but it had terrified him. The thought of Buck, alone or with just one other firefighter, storming into the midst of a wildfire...Even to save lives, to save one of their own...

Eddie was selfish that way. 

“How did you know I’d go for a truck?” Buck asked, and Eddie shot him an oh, please look. Knowing Buck would go for a truck over a buggy was as easy as knowing Buck would throw his fool ass into the flames in the first place. 

Buck pulled a face and Eddie stripped off his shirt, moving to lean on the countertop next to him. 

“I kept an eye on you. I know when your head is working. And sure enough, I saw you sneak into the tent and lift the keys from the board.”

“Okay. So you knew I’d go, and you knew I’d steal one of the trucks,” Buck trailed off, clearly thinking. Eddie let him for a moment, then put him out of his misery. 

“Like I said. I know you. I know you enough that one look at you and I knew you were going. And I knew I wasn’t going to let you go alone. But I also wasn’t stupid enough to sneak off without telling anyone where we were headed,” he pointed out. 

Buck’s face pinched and Eddie knew with satisfaction he’d given Buck something to think about. He could never stop Buck from running into the danger zone, but at least he could make sure Buck wasn’t alone when he did it. 

“So I went to Judd,” he shrugged, pushing away, hands drifting to his belt. Buck’s gaze followed, pupils dilating slightly. 

“Judd said if you offered TK a line, there wasn’t a way in Hell he wouldn’t take it - get undressed, Buck. We move out in under an hour - so Marjan distracted the Captain and I figured out which keys you stole, and you know the rest”.

He didn’t miss the way that Buck frowned at the mention of Marjan, face going a little sour before he obliged and slid off the counter. He stopped and turned, though, biting at his lower lip. 

“You didn’t have to come. You shouldn’t have come,” Buck stressed after a moment. You have Christopher went unsaid. You’re worth more than me lingered between them. 

Eddie stepped closer, shorter but the point of authority in the moment. 

“Where you go, Buck, I follow,” he told him. Firm but soft, the way Buck received the best. Bobby had it down to a talent, especially after the mess of the lawsuit. Eddie hadn’t taken long to figure it out himself. 

The words seemed to devastate Buck, but in the good way, if there was one. It was the same look Buck got whenever someone included him in the definition of their family, or said they were proud of him. The kind of broken warmth in his eyes whenever Eddie saw right through his façade. 

"You really thought I wouldn’t know? That I didn’t know you well enough to understand you’d do anything to make sure someone didn’t lose the one they loved? That someone didn’t lose their Bobby?”

Buck crumpled at the words, gaze darting away. Tongue on his lip, head dropping lower. Buck never knew what to do when Eddie carved him out and handed him everything he’d tried to hide and away and protect.

“And you really thought,” Eddie continued, a hand reaching up to brush at Buck’s birthmark, thumb gentle against the pink skin. “That I’d let you go alone? Without me?”

We go together.

“I go where you go,” Buck murmured into the scant space between them. Nothing they hadn’t said before, but both of them could feel that the past four days had somehow changed the meaning of them. Given them more weight. 

“Good,” Eddie breathed, praise and confirmation at once. “And don’t you ever forget that I know you like part of myself, Evan Buckley. You ever try to leave me behind again and there won’t be anything left of you for Bobby to yell at,” he warned, helplessness and anger and insecurity creeping in for a brief moment. 

For a moment, they just stood there. Inches away from each other, silently reminding themselves that they’d made it out. They’d gotten through it, together. One more time rolling the dice on their lives and they’d won. 

And maybe they’d cashed in on another win, too. Finally reached the end of a game they’d been playing for three years now, one maybe neither of them had even realised they’d started. 

But here, in a strange station twenty hours from home still stinking of smoke and destruction, was not where Eddie was going to move his piece over the finish line. Buck deserved better than a rushed kiss in the bathroom of someone else’s second home, and twenty hours after where they couldn’t talk about it because they were cramped in with other people. 

He was in this for the long haul, and Buck deserved nothing less. 

[detectivecarlosreyes]

Your heart out on the asphalt 

Ao3 | 2.1k | Rated: Teen | Tarlos angst

Summary  A serial bomber who uses bomb vests as their calling card is on the loose and they are targeting spouses of members of the police department. Unfortunately for Carlos, TK becomes their next victim. 

For @silvarafael‘s prompt request: angst #36 - “Don’t tell me to calm down!”​ + tarlos

TK was missing.

Unable to be reached.

Nowhere to be found.

Missing.

It had been 24 hours since anyone had seen him last, when he had left the station after a shift, on his way to his dad's ahead of Captain Strand for their weekly dinner. He never made it.

24 hours wasn’t a long time, not even long enough for them to file a missing person’s report but the captain knew something was wrong. It wasn’t until they had tracked TK's phone to a back-alley dumpster that they could only assume the worst. He had been taken by the serial bomber, just like the other victims, it was the only assumption that Carlos could make, though he didn’t know why he was a target.

TK would be the fourth in a string of abductions, and as it turned out, became the missing link to all of the officers that were connected to the other victims, each being a spouse of an officer. He and TK had been dating for a little over year, which seemed to be enough for the serial bomber to consider him spousal material. The details didn’t matter to Carlos, all his thoughts were on TK and what his fate would be because of their relationship.

And that’s when he found him.

Carlos lost his breath all at once and for a moment all he could do was sit in shock as his car idled in the street. There TK was, with arms bound in front of him and his head bowed as he sat cross-legged on the dusty, worn asphalt lit by the Camaro’s headlights like spotlights in the late afternoon shadows.

And then TK lifted his head, even from this distance, Carlos could see his eyes shining with unshed tears as he took in the car before him. Carlos could see the bruising gash stretching across TK’s temple and the dry, crusted blood that had dripped down the side of his face. Carlos watched, unable to breathe when he saw the recognition blanket TK’s face and it was only then that the tears began to fall.

Carlos couldn’t recall when he got out of the car or when he called his Captain’s direct line, passing on the pertinent details as he was trained to do. All he knew was the smell of the tar that had been cooling from the then-gone afternoon sun. He wasn’t sure he’ll ever be able to forget the scent after that day. 

He remembered feeling the rough, loose grit that scraped his hands and knees through his pants as he skidded down to land himself in front of TK; The way the small fragments of gravel clung to his hands as they ghosted around TK’s body, too afraid to touch him in fear of setting off the crude vest attached to his chest, like what happened with the first person. 

“Carlos…” TK whispered as the tears ran steadily in tracks down his face. It was enough to break him out of whatever trance that he’d fallen into upon seeing his boyfriend in the street. 

“I’m here. Everything will be okay.” He said as he gently palmed TK’s cheek for a second in an attempt to reassure him despite the frantic tone of his voice.

“You shouldn’t be here,” murmured TK, “This is what he wanted.”

“What do you mean? Who did this?”

“I don’t know who he is, but he’s watching from the street cameras. Said he’d set it off if I moved…” The vest beeped once, the sound coming from behind a small panel on the front. Carlos gingerly peeled it back to reveal a countdown that was trending downwards, “…and said he’d start the timer as soon as he saw you.”

02:58

02:57

02:56

Carlos looked down at the phone that he had haphazardly dropped beside him when he reached TK’s side, remembering that he was still on the line with his Captain. He picked it up with a shaky hand and described the device strapped to TK. From here he learned that his Captain had also added to the call the leader of the bomb squad who was already on the move to their location.

They weren’t going to make it in time to diffuse.

The bomber had made sure of that.

02:44

He had left them just enough time to say their goodbyes, but Carlos was not ready for that just yet. Staring hard at the device, an idea began to form, and he spoke hurriedly to the bomb squad leader, asking if she’d be able to possibly guide him in diffusing it himself if he showed her the vest through video call.

She had quickly agreed understanding there to be no other option, and listed what he would need, which he thankfully had in his Camero should he ever need to do any simple repairs. Carlos hurried to retrieve them before returning, glancing briefly at the countdown as he felt his whole body break out in nervous sweating over what he was about to do.

02:11

02:10

02:09

TK mirrored him and looked down at the countdown and also saw how little time Carlos had causing him to look back up sharply, “Carlos, you don’t have the time for all this! Just GO! Save yourself, please!” he pleaded in a rush, voice panicked as he tried to push at Carlos’s shoulder awkwardly with his bound hands in an attempt to get him to leave.

02:01

It doesn’t take much for him to catch TK’s hands and hold them in place against his struggling, “TK I need you to calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” TK exclaimed mostly out of fear than anger, “I have a bomb strapped to my chest, and I don’t want you to die with me if it goes off!”

Carlos changed tact and released TK’s hands in favour of grasping the back of his neck, forcing his boyfriend to look at him, “Look at me TK. I can do this. Trust me.”

01:54

TK let out a shaky breath and almost inaudibly whispered, “I trust you, of course, I trust you.” as he settled under Carlos’s steady gaze before he released his neck and studied the wires that he could see

Carlos set the phone down and listened to the instructions given to him and exposed the wire port to the device. He picked it up again showing her what he could now see. It was a chaotic bundle of multiple coloured wires complicating the system, but the chief was pretty confident in what she saw and what wire he needed to cut in order to diffuse it safely.

00:32

TK caught his wrist, stopping him as he steadied himself to make the cut, “TK we don’t have time for this.” He uttered tersely, heart racing at the thought that this could be their last moment if the chief was wrong.

00:24

“Just let me do this part Carlos and you can go; you still have time to get far enough away to be safe,” implored TK.

00:16

Carlos shook his head again, not even considering leaving him as an option, not when his heart had already decided that TK was it for him. He didn’t think his heart would be able to survive it if he left him here, “If we’re doing this, we’re doing it together.”

00:11

He bit his bottom lip and slot the scissors over the yellow wire, making eye contact with TK as he does so before TK pre-emptively squeezes his eyes shut.

“I love you TK.”

He cuts the wire.  

-

-

-

-

-

-

00:08

00:08

00:08

The timer continued to flash the same number. 8 seconds. 8 seconds between life and death.

Tears of relief sprung to Carlos’s eyes, and he let out an audible gasp, realising he’d been holding his breath for some time. TK opened his eyes at the sound, glanced down, and shut them again as a sob bubbled out of his chest and he pitched forward, sagging in relief against Carlo’s chest with his forehead on his shoulder.

Carlos caught him, wrapping his arms around him gently, being mindful of the vest as they both panted heavily from the adrenaline of the drawn-out moment. Eventually, TK pulled back, eyes red and puffy from the tears that were now soaked into Carlos’s shoulder.

“Why would you risk yourself like that?” He asked, voice shaky with emotion, “You could have blown up with me instead of being safe.”

Carlos cupped TK’s cheek, gently brushing a thumb along the ridge of his cheekbone, wiping at the residual rivulets of tears, “Because there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would give you up so easily, even if it meant us blowing up together.”

It’s then that they’re interrupted by the sound of arriving emergency vehicles, and most importantly the bomb squad. Carlos sat back on his haunches glancing down at TK’s hands. He picked up the scissors that he’d dropped in surprise when TK fell into him and started working on the duct tape binding on TK’s wrist.

By the time he was done, the bomb technicians were at their side with a lead-lined box held between them. He watched warily as they carefully took the vest off TK, placing it resolutely into the box for safe detonation, and took it back to their armored truck.

Carlos took in their still seated position and moved to stand up, offering his hand to TK as he did so. TK slotted his hand in his with a smile and Carlos pulled him up where their eyes met again and this time they crashed into each other once again, tightly wrapping their arms around each other and finding themselves breathing in the soothing scent of the other.

As they slowly began to disentangle, Carlos felt TK’s body waver and he saw TK’s eyebrows knit together as he brought a hand up to his injured temple as he took a faltering half-step backwards. He nearly collapsed if Carlos didn’t still have his arms around him and supported his weight as the paramedics picked up their speed with the gurney that they had on standby and brought it to them, helping Carlos to guide TK to lie on the bed.

He doesn’t move from the gurney’s side as they wheeled it back to the ambulance, stopping for a moment when TK reached out to him, dragging him close enough that he could get his hand on Carlos’s cheek and pulled his face close enough the Carlos could feel his breath on his lips.

“I love you too. Thank you for staying.” TK whispered and guided Carlos down until their lips met for a quick and gentle kiss. They parted after a beat as the paramedics returned to take him to the hospital.

He watched as the ambulance drove away, wanting more than anything to be in the back of it with TK, but he still had a duty to debrief with his Captain who had surprisingly joined them out in the field. It was there in the debrief that he fould out they had figured out why the specific officers spouses had been targeted.  it was a revenge story. Some twisted sense of justice from a time when he was still a rookie, the first trial he had to testify at. The bomber had been targeting anyone involved from the department. And they were already on the move to find the man responsible. 

By the time that he'd finished debriefing and made his way to the hospital, he found TK already set up in his own room, hooked up to an I.V. for dehydration and butterfly strips over the gash on his temple.

“Hey.” TK said softly from the bed when he noticed him in the doorway.

“Hey. How’s the head?”

“Throbbing, about as bad as my last abduction.”

Carlos sighed and sat down in the chair next to him, picking up his hand, “The fact that you have something like that to compare it to is a worry. Actually, the fact that you’ve already been in the hospital multiple times since I’ve known you is a worry.”

TK shrugged his shoulders with a smirk, “Unfortunately for you, this is what you’ve signed up for. I’ve already made my peace with it.”

Carlos rolled his eyes and chuckled, “Well I guess I’ll have to make my peace with it too.”

He just adds this moment to the now slowly growing list of the most terrifying moments of his life, the other being their home burning to the ground. He was grateful that overall both incidences had resulted in their relative safety. All he could do was hope against all hope that there won't be any more in their immediate future. 

[howtosingit]

Fic: On An Ordinary Sunday

TK and Carlos spend a Sunday morning at the park.

*

Written for @911lonestarweek - Day 1: “You’re the only one for me.” + Romance/Fluff

2K | Also on AO3

- - - - -

The summer sun shines brightly in the blue Austin sky over Butler Park, the heat from the blazing inferno having little effect on TK after years spent rushing into flaming structures with little ventilation. He may have made the switch to the paramedic team a while ago, but some things will never leave him, and he’s always thankful for his experience as a firefighter when the relentless Texas sun threatens to roast him alive during the hottest months of the year.

Besides, he finds that he has little reason to complain as he scans the cityscape before him, the constant murmur of the Texas capital all around him. The fresh, gentle breeze feels like a salve against his skin after a long week of wild calls and less-than-adequate sleep, and he sinks down onto the large, soft blanket beneath him, letting the sound of children in the nearby playground lull him into a state of serenity as he rests his eyes beneath his sunglasses, his breathing deep and body relaxed as his anxious mind stills for the first time in what feels like forever.

That is, at least, until a groan from his right pulls him out of his newly acquired Zen-like state. The corner of TK’s mouth slides upwards until he’s wearing a slight smirk, trying to press down the laugh that he can feel crawling up his throat.

“You alright there, babe?” he asks, turning to glance at the man lying next to him on the blanket.

Carlos merely groans again, the sound barely audible from where he has his face hidden inside his balled-up t-shirt that he’s been using as a pillow ever since they sat down on the lawn.

TK bites down on his bottom lip, reigning in his smile as best he can, even though Carlos can’t actually see it. He reaches out, dragging his fingers gently along his fiancé’s bare back, slick with sweat. He feels Carlos shutter beneath him, another groan pulled from deep inside him.

“You know, if you feel so terrible, we could’ve just stayed in bed this morning,” TK reminds him, scooting a little closer to press his lips against his partner’s shoulder, resting his chin there as he stares at his favorite head of wild curls.

“Nuh-uh,” Carlos whines, turning his head slowly towards TK and squinting against the harsh sunlight. TK takes pity on him and brings his left hand up to shield his eyes from the sun, watching as Carlos blinks sadly up at him. “I promised.”

TK rolls his eyes, his heart nearly bursting with all of the fondness he feels for the man laying next to him. When Carlos had realized just how much the week was wearing on both of them, he had vowed to take TK on a relaxing date during their joint day off. Now, here they are, having made plans a few days ago to spend the morning at the park together, just the two of them enjoying the sunshine and, when they get to it, a picnic lunch.

“I know you did, and I appreciate your commitment to never breaking your promises to me,” TK tells him, leaning in to press his lips against Carlos’s loose curls, his fiancé letting out a small sigh at his touch. “But, Carlos, you made that promise before you did multiple tequila shots with Paul last night. I would’ve understood if you needed a morning in bed.”

TK watches as Carlos closes his eyes again, and it’s only because he knows him as well as he does that TK can practically feel the guilt radiating off of the other man. He leans in, pressing the tips of their noses together. “Don’t you dare feel guilty about it either.”

Carlos scrunches his face, letting out a soft whine when the action no doubt causes his head to throb painfully. 

“I just don’t like it when I lose control like that.”

TK pulls back, watching as Carlos opens his eyes to stare at him. He gives him a calculated look. “You don’t like it when you get drunk, or you don’t like it when you get drunk around me?” he asks. His fiancé doesn’t answer, which is all the answer that he needs.

“Carlos, babe, I love that you love me so much that you’re willing to sacrifice a fun night out with our friends for my sake, but you know that I would never ask you to do that. In the three years that we’ve known each other, I can count your wild nights on one hand.”

“I just don’t want you to feel left out or like I’m rubbing it in your face,” Carlos explains, his voice small.

“I mean, you know I’m not the only one in our friend group who doesn’t drink, right?” TK reminds him, running his fingers through Carlos’s curls to soothe him. “Besides, I cannot tell you how much fun I have watching you let loose with Paul and Mateo. They’re some of my favorite memories of you, and I wouldn’t trade for the world.”

“You’re really not mad?”

TK’s heart thumps in his chest at the question, Carlos’s uncertainty nearly splitting it in two. He leans in again, pressing their lips together this time, hoping the act will be enough to reassure the other man. “Of course not.”

When he pulls away, he can tell that Carlos is more relaxed as he lets TK continue to play with his curls. A shadow falls over them as the sun darts behind a small cloud for a moment, and a memory from the night before suddenly flashes through TK’s mind. 

It’s not every day that he gets a chance to tease his well-controlled husband-to-be, and TK refuses to miss an opportunity when it presents itself. 

“However,” he begins, dragging the word out as he runs his fingers down Carlos’s face, tracing his beautiful features, “I would prefer it if you didn’t flirt with the bartender the next time you decide to let loose.”

“What?!” Carlos cries, shooting up into a sitting position so fast that TK swears time jumped ahead a few seconds. “Fuck!” his fiancé yells, pressing his palms against his face. TK is sure his brain is swimming in his skull, and it can’t be a comfortable feeling.

“I’m joking, I’m joking,” he assures him, moving to sit in front of Carlos, running his hands along his arms to soothe him. “Breathe, Carlos, in and out.” He bites his bottom lip, the guilt rising in his chest at his failed joke.

It takes a few moments of deep inhales and exhales, but Carlos finally lowers his hands, his face pale and pinched. 

“I’m so sorry, babe,” TK laughs, the sound thin as he scoots closer, sliding his hands down to grip Carlos’s wrists. “I promise you didn’t flirt with the bartender, I was just kidding. It was a bad joke, and I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d freak out like that.”

“I would never flirt with someone else,” Carlos says, his tone serious and his eyes wide as he stares at TK. “I would never hurt you like that, you know that right? Even if I was so drunk that I could barely stand, I wouldn’t. You’re the only one for me, Ty. The only one.”

“I know, baby, I know,” TK says, shaking his head as he takes Carlos’s face in his hands. “C’mere.”

Carlos sinks into him as TK wraps his arms around him, his fingers once more finding their way into his curls. 

“You know, that’s actually exactly what you told me last night, too,” TK finally says, his tone bright as he fills in the gap in Carlos’s memory.

“I did?”

“You did. When you didn’t come back to the table after a few minutes, I went looking for you. Found you talking the bartender’s ear off. He seemed pretty relieved when I finally pulled you away, actually.”

“Oh god,” Carlos groans into his neck. TK clutches him even tighter. “I don’t even remember any of that, or what I might’ve said to him.”

TK flushes, his smile growing as he presses it into Carlos’s dark curls. “I, um, I think it was mostly about me?” he explains, shaking his head a bit at the memory. “He definitely seemed to know who I was when I came up, and you may have said something like, ‘See, Tony, I told you his eyes were like green stars,’ though it was very slurred so I can’t be totally sure that was it.”

“Oh god.”

“I know,” TK says, rubbing his hands up and down his lover’s back. “And then on the way back to the table, you told me I was the love of your life. Many times, actually, and with so much conviction you spilled half your beer all over yourself because you weren’t watching where you were going.” He chuckles when Carlos shakes his head against him. “Tony’s going to be so mad you’ve forgotten him already, you two really seemed to be hitting it off.”

Carlos pulls back to glare at him, and TK admires his willingness to commit to that action while thoroughly hungover. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“Just a bit,” TK teases, darting forward to press a quick kiss to his lips. “Sue me for loving how disgustingly cheesy you get when you’re drunk. I don’t get to see it that often.”

“I just like people to know how special you are,” Carlos mumbles, his lips pulled into a pout as his eyes look everywhere but right at him. “And I like to tell you how special you are to me.”

TK practically melts at his fiancé’s confession, his heart pooling into a liquid puddle at the bottom of his stomach. No one has ever loved him the way that Carlos loves him - so open and honest and completely without shame - and even after all this time, the knowing still doesn’t stop the awe and affection that he feels when he gets to experience that level of unyielding devotion. 

“You’re the only one for me, too,” he says, just because he wants to make sure Carlos never has any doubts about how committed he is to what they have, and how much their love means to him, too. “Nothing could ever change that.”

“What if I tell you that I need to go throw up in that trash can over there?” Carlos asks, pointing to a bin along the path to their left. “Would you still want to marry me then?”

TK doesn’t even hesitate. “Not only would I still want to marry you, but I’d even stand next to you and rub your back while you do it. 'In sickness and in health,' right?”

Carlos smiles, reaching up to rub his forehead as he inhales deeply, his nostrils flaring. “Okay, that’s good to know. I mean, I’m not going to do it because I have too much self-respect in the daylight, but it’s still good to know that you wouldn’t call off our engagement.”

TK chuckles, sliding back over to his original spot on the blanket. “Here, lie down again. My offer of back rubs is not conditional to you emptying your stomach in a public trash can.” 

Carlos slowly crawls back down onto the blanket, burying his face into his t-shirt again with a barely audible sigh. TK removes his own shirt this time, bunching it under his own head as he scoots closer to his fiancé, lining up their bodies, skin touching skin. It's a little too hot for it, but he wants to be as close to Carlos as possible, and he's willing to suffer the heat. Without a word, Carlos takes his right hand in his own, linking their fingers together where they rest against the blanket.

TK presses his lips to the solid shoulder in front of him, bringing his free hand up to drag it along Carlos’s spine, providing him as much comfort and security as he can as his fiancé sleeps off his unexpectedly wild evening.

And under the midday Austin sun, on an ordinary Sunday, they’re both finally able to relax.

[bellakitse]

Take Me Back to the Start

“I thought our fight was going to be our last words to each other,” he whispers, his eyes filling up. “I’m so damn sorry, baby.”

Carlos looks into those green eyes, wet with unshed tears and relief, and frowns. “I’m sorry, but who are you?” he asks and watches with growing dread as those eyes widen with shock and fear.

+

Carlos is in a car accident and forgets the last three and half years of his life.

M | 15.4K | AO3

Everything hurts.

That’s the first real thought Carlos has as he squints up at the lights over his bed through sore eyes. He can’t remember ever aching this much everywhere at once. He’s pretty sure even his hair aches, something he didn’t think was medically possible, but here he is, lying on what he’s sure is a hospital bed, and everything fucking hurts.

Closing his eyes for a moment, he tries to take inventory of the damage. His head is pounding, and when he moves it, he feels a tug over his brow that tells him there is a bandage there. Looking down without trying to lift his head, he catches a glimpse of a soft cast on his left arm from his wrist to his elbow. He tries to sit up to take in the rest of his body, only to let out a hiss when his ribs scream in protest at his sudden movement. Focusing on his breathing, it takes him a second to realize there is someone else in the room with him with their hand on his shoulder, helping him lay back down.

“Hey, hey, hey, slowly, Carlos,” he’s told with a gentle but urgent voice. “You have three cracked ribs from the accident. You can’t be moving like that right now.”

“Accident?” he questions through gritted teeth waiting for the wave of pain to pass. He gets a wince in return for his question.

“You flipped your car,” is the answer he receives. “The roads were wet, and we think an animal crossed your path. You swerved to avoid it, lost control of the Camaro, went off the side of the road, and flipped.”

“Jesus,” he whispers. He clenches his right hand as he tries to recall the accident described to him and comes up empty.

“I really thought I lost you.”

He turns his head at the words, finding beautiful green eyes pained and worried as they stare back at him.

“When I got the call,” he continues, letting out a shaky breath while running an even more trembling hand through his brown hair. “I thought our fight was going to be our last words to each other,” he whispers, his eyes filling up. “I’m so damn sorry, baby.”

Carlos looks into those green eyes, wet with unshed tears and relief, and frowns. “I’m sorry, but who are you?” he asks and watches with growing dread as those eyes widen with shock and fear.

 ֎֎֎

 His retrograde amnesia, the doctors say, is brought on by his head injury during the accident. They have high hopes it’s temporary, but they can’t know for sure.

All they can do is wait, he’s told in hopeful tones, and while he can appreciate the optimism, all that means to Carlos right now is that he’s lost years of his life. He woke up thinking it was 2019, and instead, it’s 2023.

He gets the cliff notes version of the state of the world. Global pandemic in 2020, bad. Trump lost reelection, awesome. Michelle found Iris alive, a miracle. She left town to go help others like her sister, admirable.

The guy with the pretty green eyes sits in the corner of his hospital room silently while Carlos’ parents catch him up on things. Carlos’ eyes stray to him more than once, always finding his gaze on him as he nervously bites down on his lip.

“Do you know who TK is, son?” his father asks softly, turning towards the man in question. His mother has walked over to stand next to this TK, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder as he flinches when Carlos shakes his head, letting them know he doesn’t.

It’s strange and frustrating. It’s evident by the sympathetic looks they give the stranger and how his mother rubs his back that the man is someone they care about. Someone who is connected to Carlos, and no one needs to say out loud how for him to read between the lines.

TK’s broken expression as he stares at him – what he’d said when Carlos first woke up, lets him know what he needs to know. He and TK are involved.

That part isn’t necessarily shocking. His life might be suddenly turned upside down and his memory in shambles, but he has eyes, and TK is breathtakingly beautiful. He imagines that he took one look into those pretty green eyes and lost all thought of anything else.

What’s hard to imagine is a relationship where his parents are obviously well acquainted with someone he’s involved with.

“I don’t remember,” he says softly, feeling horrible at the choked sound TK lets out as he stands up from his chair. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, staring at the man across the room with regret.

“It’s okay,” TK answers with a wobbly smile that fools no one in the room. Finally, he exhales loudly, his eyes straying for the door. “I think I need some air,” he says, already turning on his heel, ignoring Carlos’ parents when they both say his name, leaving them alone in Carlos’ room.

“I’m sorry,” Carlos repeats quietly as the room is left in silence after TK’s abrupt exit.

His mother comes over to him while his father shakes his head at him. “Don’t apologize, mijo,” he says gently. “This isn’t your fault, and no one understands that better than TK. No one blames you for this.”

“He’s hurting,” Carlos points out. He might not remember TK, but the man’s expression hides nothing. On the contrary, his pain has been visible since the moment Carlos first opened his eyes.

“He loves you, Carlitos,” his mother says instead of denying his words. Her expression is achingly sad as she takes his hand, giving it a soft pat. “And he’s scared.”

Carlos doesn’t say out loud he’s scared too. There is a gaping hole in his memory in the shape of a man his mother claims loves him, a man who pulls at him in a way he can’t understand, and Carlos is terrified he’ll never know if he can’t remember him.

 ֎֎֎

 A slew of unfamiliar faces visits him. Paul, Marjan, Nancy, Mateo, Tommy, and TK’s father, Owen. He politely answers when they ask him how he’s doing and apologizes when he has trouble remembering their names. He gets waved off in return as they smile compassionately and tell him they’re just glad he’s okay. That it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t know them even though they’re supposedly his friends – they’re just happy he’s alive.

He gets visited by Judd and Grace Ryder, and while he does remember them, it startles him to realize they are his friends now too. He remembers Judd from the 126 and is struck when he’s told the old crew is all gone. He can’t imagine what that must have been like for Judd, and he tells him so.

The tall man gives him a saddened smile that tells Carlos it’s still a pain that lingers. Judd tells him having his new team helps with that grief and how thankful he is that Owen and TK Strand decided to come to Austin years ago to rebuild the firehouse, giving Judd and the others a new family.

He sits up straighter at the mention of TK. He hasn’t seen much of him in the last few days, at least not while he’s awake. The guy is obviously giving Carlos space, but Carlos has caught him more than once at night when he is half-asleep checking in on him.

Carlos has taken to playing possum to not scare him off.

“Is that how we met?” he asks Judd. “Me and TK,” he clears up when Judd gives him a confused squint of his eyes. “Did he and I meet on the job?”

Judd and Grace share a look between each other.

“You really don’t remember anything about him, sweetheart?” Grace asks softly, her eyes pitying when he shakes his head.

“Man, I can’t imagine what that must feel like,” Judd says with a harsh exhale. “Poor kid must be losing his mind without you.”

He must make a face at that because Grace elbows Judd in his side hard in response.

“Not that it’s your fault, man,” Judd rushes to comfort him. “This was just really shitty luck. But you and TK have been through worse. You’ll get through this.”

Carlos swallows hard at the conviction in his friend’s voice. “My mother says he loves me,” he questions, still having a hard time believing it himself. While parts are missing from his mind, he does remember that there was never anyone serious in his life. No one who stuck around long enough for him to love, let alone love him back.

“He does, very much,” Grace says with a smile on her pretty face. “And you love him back just as much.”

“You’re actually pretty sickeningly cute together,” Judd tells him. “Always in your own little world where only the two of you exist,” he continues, getting a fond eye-roll from his wife. “It makes the rest of us want to pour water over the two of you, but after three years, we’ve learned to live with it.”

“Judson,” Grace scolds her husband softly, but Carlos tunes them out as he files away another piece of the puzzle.

Three years.

 ֎֎֎

 He gets discharged from the hospital two weeks later. His ribs are bruised but healing, as is his arm. The scratches and bruises on his body are mostly faded. He greets the news of his release with barely restrained glee – already half out of his mind after spending so many days in the hospital.

“You’ll come stay with us, Carlitos,” his mother says with a smile that feels over the top. “It will be so nice to spoil you.”

He looks from her to his father and then finally to TK, who is actually there during his waking hours for once. He takes in his rod-straight posture as he stands at the end of his bed, his jaw clenched.

Carlos raises an eyebrow at him. “You’re okay with me going home with my parents and not you?” he challenges, barely holding back a sharp grin when it startles the man in question.

“I want you to feel comfortable,” TK answers after a moment.

“You’re my boyfriend,” he shoots back, only slightly stumbling over the last word. “I should be comfortable with you, shouldn’t I?”

“You don’t know me,” TK points out, his jaw tightening even further, and Carlos has the urge to touch at the edges, to run his thumb over the smooth-looking skin until TK stops grinding his teeth.

Instead of soothing him, though, Carlos shrugs a shoulder at him, seeming more unbothered than he actually feels. “Maybe if you didn’t just visit me when you think I’m asleep these last two weeks, I’d know you.”

TK’s mouth drops, his eyes going wide as he sputters, and Carlos has to ignore the little vicious voice in his head that cheers at the reaction. Instead, he turns to his parents, giving them a shake of his head.

“If I’m going to remember my life, then I should probably start living that life,” he reasons, holding up a hand when his mother tries to speak. “And as far as I know, I wasn’t living with my parents when the accident happened,” he lets the statement hang, waiting to see if anyone will correct him. “I thought so. I’m going home, to my home.”

He looks back over at TK, finding his eyes locked on him once more. There is so much going on behind those eyes. Too much for Carlos to read it all when the man continues to be a stranger to him, but there is one thing Carlos does recognize. Tentative hope.

“So,” he starts, raising his eyebrow once more as he drags out the word. “Are you gonna give me a ride back to our place or not?”

 ֎֎֎

 “This isn’t the way home,” he points out the next day from the passenger’s seat of TK’s Ranger. The ride has been mostly silent except for the radio playing. His discharge had also been quiet, his parents doing most of the talking while they waited for his doctors to sign off on his papers. They’d made TK and him promise to call if they needed anything while also letting them know they would be checking in on them often. “You missed the turn on Lynwood,” he says, pointing back at the avenue.

TK makes a face, something very much like a grimace. “Yeah,” he starts to say slowly. “We don’t live there anymore – haven’t for a while actually.”

“We moved?” he questions, surprised. His place had been big enough for two people. More than enough for a couple just starting to live together. “Did you not like it?”

“I loved that house,” TK answers, turning to look at him. “I was so happy when you asked me to move in,” he continues softly. He gives him a sad smile. “But there was a fire, and we lost it.”

“A fire?” he repeats, swallowing hard at the sudden inexplicable fear he feels. TK looks over at him again, going instantly on alert. He takes a hand off the wheel, reaching halfway towards Carlos before coming to a halt.

Carlos watches as the hand hangs mid-air for a moment, feeling a twinge under his ribcage when TK drops it back on his lap instead of touching Carlos.

“We were in it,” he realizes, sure of it as something flashes through his mind, and he swears he can feel the heat and smell the smoke.

TK bites down on his bottom lip, his eyes focused on the road. Then, finally, he gives him a sharp nod but says nothing.

“We almost didn’t make it,” he continues, exhaling slowly, trying to bring his racing heart back down. “It messed me up for a while, didn’t it?”

TK pulls into a quiet street with modest two-story houses. He passes four of them before turning into the driveway of a moss-green house with a brown roof. Turning off the car, TK twists in his seat to look at him. “It did,” he answers honestly. “It got really close, and we almost didn’t make it out. We were shaken up for a long time, and as a result, there is a fire extinguisher in just about every room of this house, which you have me check to make sure they’re all in working order every couple of months.”

TK lets out a breath, raising a hand to run it through his hair. “But we got through it, and we found this place,” he points at the house. “And we fell in love with making new memories in it.”

Memories Carlos can’t remember. Neither have to say it out loud; the words ring out through the car regardless.

“It’s green,” he points out for lack of anything else to say. TK smiles, and for the first time since Carlos opened his eyes, it’s not brittle at the edges.

“To match my eyes,” he says softly, his voice sounding far away. He shrugs at him when Carlos gives him a questioning glance. “Your words, man,” he says, smiling again when Carlos wrinkles his nose at him. “Yeah, you’re kind of a sap that way. Come on.”

Carlos follows TK out of the car and up the steps of the house. Standing on the porch, he spots a swing. “My parents’ house has one of those,” he points at the padded bench. “I always wanted one for my house too.”

“I know,” TK says with a slight smile as he looks over at the porch swing. “You told me when we were looking for a new place to live. So I had it installed a few days before we officially moved in to surprise you.”

TK’s smile grows as he gets lost in the memory. “We spent most of our first night here on it instead of opening boxes. Eventually, I started to fall asleep on you, and you – “

TK trails off frowning, shaking his head at himself as he turns back to open the door.

“I what?” he asks. He puts his hand on TK’s forearm to keep him from turning the lock, swallowing when TK’s eyes thunder up to look at him, surprised by his touch. Carlos realizes he hasn’t done that before and resists the instinct to take his hand off. “I what, TK?” he asks again, his voice barely above a whisper.

“You carried me inside and put me to bed,” TK whispers back. He blinks, but that doesn’t keep Carlos from seeing the sudden sheen in his eyes. Clearing his throat, he turns towards the door once more, opening it. “You’ve always been really good about taking care of me.”

TK takes a step forward, and Carlos lets his hold on him slip away. Following him, he finds himself in the middle of a living room painted in light colors instead of the dark walls he remembers from his other place. There are pictures and knick-knacks everywhere, plants at each corner of the room. The place looks well lived-in and busier than his usual style. His face must show some of what he’s thinking because TK snickers.

“Yeah,” he says with a smirk. “It took you a while to get used to my particular brand of chaos.”

Carlos walks over to the fireplace, finding it full of little trinkets. “This is all you?” he questions.

“You have bought me a lot of them,” TK answers with a shrug. He points at a small bronze bee next to a detailed firetruck. “That one you got for me because you thought it matched my tattoo.”

Carlos raises an eyebrow at him as TK just shrugs at him again.

“Like I said, you’ve gotten used to my love for random stuff.”

“You mean I’ve gotten used to the fact that you’re a hoarder,” he tells him, smiling when TK lets out an offended gasp.

“Rude,” TK grumbles, but Carlos is pleased to see it’s said with a smile. TK hasn’t done much of that around him, understandably, and it makes Carlos ridiculously happy to be the cause of it now. It must show by the way TK’s expression softens as he looks at him.

“Do you want me to show you the rest of the house, or do you want to eat something first?” he asks, tilting his head to the side. “You haven’t eaten since the hospital this morning.”

“I could eat,” Carlos answers with a nod, his stomach grumbling at the suggestion. All he had this morning was the muffin on his food tray, too anxious to leave the hospital to eat anything else.

TK nods for him to follow him, leading him towards the kitchen. “You’re in luck. Grace dropped off a casserole last night, so you won’t be subjected to my cooking.”

Carlos leans against a marble counter, looking around at the beautiful kitchen, not a pot out of place, and knows instantly it’s his domain.

“You don’t cook?” he asks, getting a face back as TK pulls a glass dish out of the fridge.

“I mean, I wouldn’t starve,” he says as he turns on the oven, flashing him an amused grin over his shoulder. “And I have picked up some tricks from you. But we’ve both agreed it’s safer for our house and stomachs if you do the bulk of the cooking.”

Carlos smiles at the comment, entertained by it.

“This will take a bit to heat up,” TK gestures towards the oven. “Let me show you the upstairs.”

Carlos nods, trailing TK back out of the kitchen and up a set of stairs. He follows him as he shows him a room that seems to be part guestroom, part library, before continuing towards the end of the hall towards a master bedroom with a large bathroom attached.

“This bedroom is yours. I’ll be sleeping in the other room for now,” TK comments, standing back as Carlos looks around. From the open closet displaying their clothes together to the top of a black drawer with a series of pictures of them. Everything about the room tells the story of their life together.

Carlos picks up a picture frame. In it is a picture of him and TK on vacation going off the beach in the background. TK has a big silly hat on and a coconut drink in his hand, while Carlos has his arm wrapped around him, pressing a kiss into the man’s cheek. Both are smiling wide.

“That was Cancun a year ago,” TK says softly as he comes to stand next to him, looking down at the picture with him. “I surprised you with the trip and had to practically tape my mouth shut to not spill the beans before everything was ready. I’m not very good at keeping secrets, much less from you.”

Carlos looks over at TK, giving him a once-over. “You have no poker face,” he realizes, sure of it. TK proves him right by the startled look he gives him, letting out a huff a moment later.

“You always say that,” he tells him with an eye roll. “I just don’t see a reason to keep anything from my best friend and the love of my life.”

Carlos’ breath catches at TK’s description of him. “Is that what I am to you?”

“Yes,” TK answers without hesitation.

“We look so happy,” he says as he looks back down at the picture. There is no doubt in his mind as he looks at their smiles that he is in love with the man in the photograph.

“We are happy,” TK answers. He wavers for a second but then covers his hand holding the frame, and Carlos feels a shock go through him at the touch. “We have our moments like any other couple, sure, but we’re so damn happy, Carlos.”

Carlos twists towards TK, turning his hand to hold onto his. “I’m sorry,” he blurts out desperately, blinking back the stinging in his eyes at the loss he feels acutely, even if he can’t recall what he’s lost. “I’m sorry I can’t remember us.”

TK shakes his head at him, pulling him into his arms, careful of Carlos’ cast. “This is not your fault,” TK whispers firmly in his ear as he cradles the back of his head. Carlos sinks into his embrace, taking comfort in it. “We’re going to figure this out, Carlos,” TK continues as he pulls back to look at him. “I’m not saying it’s easy to look in your eyes and see very little recognition, but I’m not giving up on you or us.”

Carlos doesn’t know what to say to that, and it seems he doesn’t have to. TK gives him a small smile, pulling out of their hug while Carlos has to bite his tongue to keep from protesting as he loses TK’s touch, leaving him feeling cold.

“Come on,” he says softly, taking a step back. “The casserole should be warmed up by now.”

He follows TK back downstairs, watching him as he moves around their kitchen, serving up their meal, grabbing glasses when he points at the cabinet where they’re kept.

They sit down to eat the casserole quietly. It’s good, but Carlos barely tastes it, more preoccupied with sneaking looks at TK.

“You’re burning holes into me, Reyes,” TK says dryly as he looks up from his plate. “You know you can ask me whatever you want, right?” he questions gently. “I’m an open book. You just have to ask.”

“How did we meet?” Carlos questions instantly, dozens of questions ready to go on the tip of his tongue. TK seems to realize this by the smile on his face.

“On the job,” he says softly. “There was a car accident, a mother and son. We were the answering firehouse; you were the cop on the scene.”

“How long have you been a firefighter?” he asks, causing TK to wrinkle his nose at him.

“I’m not one anymore,” he answers. “I was one for over seven years between New York and here. But after almost a year in Austin, I switched from Fire to Rescue. I’m a paramedic now with Nancy and Tommy. You met them, right?”

Carlos nods, recalling the two women visiting him at the hospital.

“Tommy is my Captain, Nancy, my partner,” he continues with a smile that speaks of fondness for the women in question. “I became a firefighter in large part because I wanted to be like my dad, and I loved being one, but I always felt like something was missing. Becoming a paramedic was like finding the missing piece to the puzzle, you know?”

Carlos gives TK an understanding look, pausing for a moment before he asks his next question. “Did I ask you out, or did you ask me out?”

“Oh man,” TK chuckles, his cheeks turning slightly pink. Reaching for his glass, he takes a sip of water. “You need to understand that we didn’t start so easily as going on a date.”

Carlos raises an eyebrow at that, earning another smile from TK, this one bashful.

“Okay,” he starts, exhaling loudly. “So our story goes like this – ”

Carlos listens as TK tells him of Michelle inviting his team to the local honky-tonk after rescuing the mother and child from the car accident. He tells him about Carlos walking up to him in a ridiculously tight shirt and asking him to dance. He blushes as TK shoots him a look, telling him he looked so hot. And blushes even further when TK tells him of the two of them sneaking off to make out in the bar bathroom, exchanging numbers after kissing each other senselessly before seeing each other two days later and having sex on the floor of Carlos’ old living room.

“Not much time for courting,” he says dryly, unable to keep the smile off his face as TK grins back at him.

“In your defense, you did try to court me,” TK says gently, affection shining in his eyes. “You invited me to a midnight dinner the next night.”

“Oh,” Carlos says, relieved. “That’s better.”

TK winces slightly in return.

“Or not?” he questions, getting a nod back from TK.

“I kind of freaked out on you,” he says, looking deeply sorry. Carlos can’t imagine it could have been so bad if three years later they’re still together, but he waits for TK to explain.

“I had gone through a horrible breakup back home – I was getting ready to propose, and he was cheating on me with some guy from the gym. I wasn’t looking for anything other than some harmless sex, so when you made this lovely dinner for me with flowers and candles, and you looking so fine in a dress shirt and slacks. I turned into a jerk, and the dinner was a bust.”

Carlos quietly processes what TK has just told him. He feels a pang in his chest at the knowledge that TK loved someone else enough to consider marriage. He scoffs quietly at the silly jealousy he feels from it. It’s completely ridiculous to be jealous of some random man from TK’s past when TK is here now in their home with him. He tries not to think too hard about what it means to feel this way when TK is still essentially a stranger to him.

“How did we recover from that?”

TK cringes again, and Carlos has to keep from reaching out and poking his nose as it wrinkles adorably.

“I got arrested, and you were the officer to process me?” TK says in the form of a question, groaning when Carlos’ eyebrows both go up.

“That sounds like a conflict of interest.”

“That’s what I said to you!” TK exclaims, waving a hand at him. “Thank you for finally agreeing with me!”

“Maybe I made sure to get your paperwork when you were brought in,” he suggests, theorizing.

“Do you think you would do that?” TK questions curiously.

“If I really liked you and wanted a reason to talk to you, sure,” he shrugs, knowing that while he’s usually a by-the-book cop, he has an impulsive streak. “And something tells me I did like you enough to do that.”

TK looks away from him, but it doesn’t hide his pleased smile from Carlos. He feels warmed by it again, and wonders just how many times over the years has TK’s smile caused his stomach to flutter.

“So how did getting arrested help us after that dinner gone wrong?” he asks, clearing his throat. “And what did you get arrested for?”

“A bar fight,” TK answers, wincing when he shoots him an unimpressed look. “I know, I know. It was stupid, and trust me, you let me know how stupid you thought it was. But like I said, I was going through a bad breakup, I had relapsed on substances as a result, and I was looking for something to keep my mind off my life being shit that wasn’t alcohol or pills.”

TK sneaks a look at him, holding his breath as he waits for him to react to his confession.

“Are you okay now?” he asks softly, letting out a sigh when TK nods.

“I haven’t used since my relapse,” he answers. “There have been moments of struggle, but I have overcome them.”

“I’m proud of you, TK,” he says as he reaches for his hand, not sure if it’s his place but unable to stop himself.

TK gives him a slight quirk of his lips. “You always say that,” he whispers, offering his hand a squeeze. “And I’ll remind you now that you’re a big reason for my continued sobriety.”

“No – “ he starts to shake his head, freezing when TK grips his hand that much tighter.

“Yes,” TK answers firmly. “You are my biggest champion. Your unwavering faith in me has saved me so many times, sweetheart. I know you don’t remember it now, but you need to know that.”

 ֎֎֎

 TK leaves for the basement after they finish their meal, claiming a need to do laundry. Really Carlos thinks he’s giving him space after the emotionally packed conversation they shared. Either way, Carlos takes the reprieve he’s given. He calls his mother to check in, assuring her he and TK are okay.

She gives him a loaded ‘hmm’ and an amused ‘nothing’ when he asks what’s that about.

After ending the call, he wanders around the house some more. It’s hard to find pieces of the life he does remember, but he figures losing everything in a fire will do that. He takes his time looking at the rest of the pictures around the house. He and TK are attached at the hip in just about all of them, more often than not smiling at each other instead of the camera.

TK comes back upstairs an hour later with a basket full of clean clothes. “Fresh towels,” he proclaims happily. “Just the way you like it for your showers,” he smiles before giving him a curious look. “We’ll have to wrap your arm with plastic for that – are you okay?”

Carlos nods, pointing at the framed photos on the wall. “Just looking,” he answers, pausing as something comes to mind for the first time and feeling silly for it. “Hey, do you know what happened to my phone?”

“It got wrecked in the accident,” TK answers as he crosses towards a cabinet. “But I got it replaced for you, and made sure everything was backed up from the cloud.”

He takes the phone from him, looking at it, and then looks back up at TK, who smiles back at him a little awkwardly. “Your passcode is my birthday,” he answers, rattling off the numbers to him before leaving the room again, heading upstairs with the laundry in hand.

“I really am a sap,” he mumbles to himself, punching in the code. He looks through his old messages first. Some are from his partner Mitchell, there is a recipe link from Paul, and a group message between him, his parents, TK’s father, and TK himself about dinner plans from over a month ago. The conversation between him and TK is endless, with many ‘I love yous’ and ‘be safe’ exchanged. There are also teasing remarks – quite a few racy enough to make his ears feel hot.

He turns to his camera roll and scoffs at himself at the sheer amount of pictures of TK in it.

“What’s that noise for?” TK questions coming back into the living room.

“I might be your stalker,” he answers, waving his phone when TK raises an eyebrow at him. “Pretty sure 90% of my phone is pictures of you, so yeah,” he points a finger at himself. “Stalker.”

TK lets out a laugh, throwing his head back, and Carlos can’t help but stare, transfixed by the image of him. It’s almost unfair how beautiful he is without even trying.

Looking back at him, Carlos can see his green eyes sparkle with amusement.

“You should see my phone,” he says unbothered. “It’s all you, all the time. Nancy teases the crap out of me for it. So we’re pretty even on that front, don’t worry.”

“There are some dirty messages from you here,” he tells him, biting down on his lip when it makes TK smirk, even as he turns a rosy pink.

“I would bet my car that there are more than just dirty messages saved in there from me,” he answers, his smirk growing filthier as Carlos’ eyes widen. “Sometimes you work nights, and I get bored without you,” he tells him, his blush growing stronger. “Bet you haven’t found those pictures yet.”

No, but he sure as hell plans on finding them later when he’s alone, he thinks, going hot himself at the thought. “So you like to tease me,” he questions, earning himself a suggestive chuckle in return.

“As I like to tell you when you call me a tease. It’s not teasing if I deliver,” TK points out, grin firmly in place. “And I always do.”

“Of all the things to forget,” Carlos grumbles, mostly at himself.

TK’s smile slips away, a flash of pain crossing his face before he can hide it away. “It will come back,” he says softly.

Carlos tilts his head, studying him. “You sound so sure.”

TK gives him a gentle shrug of his shoulder in return. “When it comes to us against whatever crap the world throws at us, I’ll place my bet on you and me every single time.”

 ֎֎֎

 Carlos is in the bedroom waiting for TK to finish his shower before he can hop in himself. He smiles as he hears TK sing some song horribly off-key.

“Hey, rockstar,” he calls out when he hears the water shut off, grinning as TK lets out a shouted curse in surprise. He probably figured Carlos was still downstairs. “When you’re done with your concert, can you help me wrap my cast?”

He hears more muffled grumbling that causes him to chuckle at least until TK opens the door. His laughter halting in his throat as he takes in his boyfriend in nothing more than a towel, his chest bare with water droplets running down his defined abs.

“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” he scolds him with a pout on his face that has no right being as charming as it is.

“I understand how we fell into bed so quickly,” he blurts out, blushing as TK raises a questioning eyebrow at him. “You’re stunning,” he continues, unable to hold back the thought. “I must have taken one look at you and just fallen head over heels for you.”

TK stares at him for a moment before shaking his head, a small reluctant smile taking over his face. “Leave it to you to have no memory of us and still manage to be ridiculously romantic,” he huffs, chuckling softly to himself. “You’re dangerous, Reyes.”

“I’m sorry,” Carlos apologizes, feeling awkward. “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

TK crosses the room, coming to sit down next to him on the bed. “The fact that you’re still attracted to me doesn’t make me uncomfortable. On the contrary, it gives me hope,” he tells him with a half-smile. “Hope that you’ll come back to me here,” he says, tapping a finger against Carlos’ temple. “And here,” he brings his hand down to tap against Carlos’ chest over his heart.

“Don’t give up on me,” Carlos whispers, and even he can hear the pleading quality in his voice.

“Never,” TK answers gently, his green eyes bright and hopeful, and Carlos might not know him well, but he can see the love he feels for him in those eyes – it leaves him breathless. He realizes with a start how badly he wants to lean in, to close the gap between him and TK and see if tasting him will trigger the memories he so desperately wants back. He realizes with alarming clarity that even if he doesn’t remember, he very much wants to know if TK tastes as sweet as he seems.

He takes too long deciding, and when he shifts an inch closer, TK is already grabbing the plastic and medical tape he has on the bed.

“Now, let’s get this wrapped so you can shower,” he says sweetly, reaching for Carlos’ arm. “You’re probably tired after the long day. I bet you go right to sleep afterwards.”

Carlos thinks sleep is probably not coming with his swirling thoughts, but he gives TK a nod anyway.

“I’m going to the farmer’s market tomorrow morning,” TK continues once his arm is wrapped up. “We usually go together on our days off. Think you’re up for it?” he asks, giving Carlos a hopeful look.

Carlos nods again, wanting to keep that look on TK’s face and the bright smile that follows.

“That sounds nice.”

 ֎֎֎

 Carlos leans against the kitchen counter, staring through tired eyes as the coffee machine spits out a robust Colombian roast. Sleep, like he had expected, had been hard to come by the night before, with too many thoughts and too much space in his bed for him to settle in right. He might not remember sleeping with TK in their bed, but he has a feeling his body does, and it rebelled at the idea of TK being in another room away from him.

More than once last night, he had given serious thought to walking over to the guest room and begging TK to come sleep beside him. He hadn’t, and instead spent the night twisting and turning, flashes of moments running through his mind too fast to make a complete picture. It frustrates him while also giving him hope being home with TK will trigger his memories.

He hears footsteps coming down the stairs and turns his head just in time to see a sleepy, shirtless TK come into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and grumbling.

“Need. Coffee. Now,” he mumbles, passing him, going straight for the coffee maker, only to let out a whine when he sees the pot is nowhere near ready.

“Good morning,” he says dryly, a smile tugging on his face at the adorable image TK makes, pout in full display as he turns to acknowledge him.

“Coffee,” he demands once more.

Carlos opens his mouth to tease him, stopping short as something comes back to him instantly.

He’s in the middle of bringing his cup to his lips when he feels TK slide up behind him, his arms going around his waist, his face tucked between his shoulder blades.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” he says fondly, twisting in TK’s hold to turn to him, smiling at his sleepy expression.

“Woke up without you,” TK pouts, his green eyes narrowed. “On our day off. That’s illegal; arrest yourself right now.”

“If I arrest myself, we can’t spend the day together,” he points out, chuckling as TK gives him a dry look.

“Maybe I just want you in handcuffs,” TK quips, a teasing smile playing on his lips when Carlos raises an eyebrow at him.

“We can play that game if you want. It was a lot of fun the last time,” he challenges back with a smirk of his own when TK lets out a sharp breath at his answer.

“Too early for this,” TK grumbles, his cheeks a pretty pink. “Need coffee.”

“If you let me go, I can get you a cup,” he offers, waiting as TK considers. Finally, his boyfriend shakes his head.

“Nope,” he answers, tucking his face into Carlos’ shoulder, pressing a kiss to his collarbone. “This is better anyway.”

“Hey,” TK snaps his fingers softly in front of his face. When Carlos focuses on him, he finds him looking at him with a curious and slightly worried expression. “Are you okay? Where did you go?”

“Nowhere,” he answers, trying to give TK a smile to ease his worry while inside, he’s reeling. The memory had been as clear as TK standing in front of him now, but more than that, he can remember what he’d been feeling at that moment. The love and adoration he felt for the man in his arms, not wanting to let him go even for a cup of coffee.

“Are you sure?” TK asks again, still concerned.

“Yeah,” he says again, this time his smile coming out a little easier as he wraps himself in the feelings caused by the memory. “Are we still going to the farmer’s market today?”

“Sure,” TK answers as he walks over to the coffee pot that is now full. He pulls out two mugs, pouring them both a cup. “If you’re up to it, that is.”

“I am,” he answers, taking the cup TK offers him. “I thought I could cook this evening,” he suggests, waving his cast at him. “With your help.”

TK shoots him a grin. “Sure, it should be fun to watch you bite your lip to keep from telling me I’m chopping the wrong way.”

“Do you chop the wrong way?” he questions, suddenly concerned.

TK shrugs a shoulder at him. “You seem to think so. You’re always warning me I’m going to cut myself and hover over me like the worrywart you are.”

“I’m suddenly reconsidering letting you help me,” he says honestly, getting another playful grin from TK.

“Too late,” he chirps. “I’m helping. Now I’m gonna head for the shower. We can grab breakfast at this bakery we like near the market.”

Carlos nods in agreement as TK starts to leave the kitchen. He’s about to let him pass when he notices a scar near TK’s left shoulder. “Hey, what is that?” he stops him, bringing a hand to the spot, running a thumb over it. He hears TK’s breath catch, but he ignores it as he realizes with a start what he’s looking at. “Is this a bullet wound, TK?” he asks, his voice coming out higher than usual.

He stares at TK with wide eyes as the man lets out a wince.

“Yeah…see what happened was – “

 ֎֎֎

 “So you’re telling me you have been shot at and kidnapped?” he questions for the third time since TK finished retelling him his unfortunate work calls. Since then, they’ve stopped by the bakery TK mentioned, bought their breakfast – a spinach pie for him and a cherry cheese Danish for TK, and now are walking around the market, reusable grocery bags in hand. Carlos is still at a loss, having trouble understanding how TK can recall the moments so calmly. When Carlos on the other hand, is quietly freaking out and wondering how to hide TK away from the world hellbent on injuring him.

“Yes,” TK answers simply, lifting his hand to offer him half his Danish. “Trade? We usually do because you like the last taste in your mouth to be sweet.”

He distractedly takes the offered pastry, giving TK the last bit of his pie.

“Do I have blood pressure issues?” he questions, looking over at TK as he pops the last bit of food in his mouth. “I feel like I have to because my BP is skyrocketing right now.”

“So dramatic,” TK scoffs, rolling his pretty eyes at him. “As if I would let you have high blood pressure. My dad is a health nut. If you had a high BP, there would be no salt in the house,” he continues with a cheeky smile that makes Carlos huff.

“Cute,” he says sarcastically. “Have I tried to bubblewrap you? I think drastic measures need to be taken here to keep you safe.”

He winces as his voice goes a little manic at the end there, causing TK to stop walking, the amused but exasperated smile on his face dropping.

“Hey,” he starts softly, reaching out to touch Carlos’ wrist, pressing the pads of his fingers against his pulse point, squeezing gently, helping Carlos center himself. “I’m okay,” he says slowly, his eyes locking with Carlos’.

“Yes, they were scary moments, ones I would rather not repeat. But when I was shot, you were there every day waiting for me to wake up.” TK squeezes his wrist again, making sure he’s listening. “And when I got kidnapped, you figured out where we were, and you rescued me.”

“I did?” he asks breathlessly. Leave it to TK to get to the root of Carlos’ freak out. The thought of TK hurt or in danger and Carlos helpless to save him.

“You did,” TK answers. He lets go of Carlos’ wrist, but Carlos instinctively takes his hand before he can get too far.

“Is this okay?” he whispers, holding his breath as he waits for TK to decide if he should pull his hand away or not. He watches his eyes flicker between their joined hands and Carlos’ face, a flash of something too close to sorrow playing over his features for a second. He’s just about to pull away himself and apologize to TK when he links their fingers together, giving Carlos a slight smile.

“Yeah, sweetheart, of course it’s okay,” he whispers back, his smile more honest and less pained. “Take this as a blanket invitation to touch me when you want or need, okay?”

Carlos startles at the offer, staring at TK as he looks back at him.

TK shakes his head softly at him. He reaches up, touching Carlos’ temple gently with his other hand. “This is hard for me,” he admits, brushing one of Carlos’ curls into place. “But I can’t even begin to imagine what’s going on in your head. How scared you must be to have all these missing pieces in your memory. So yeah, Carlos, if holding my hand brings you any kind of comfort, if touching me helps center you, feel free to touch me anytime the urge hits.”

Carlos can’t speak in the face of such an offer when he knows TK hurts every moment Carlos doesn’t remember their life together.

“That might not be fair to you.”

TK gives him another gentle smile, his eyes shining with what Carlos can only call love. “You let me worry about what’s fair to me,” he tells him before wrinkling his nose at him sweetly. “Besides, I’ve never said no to your hands on me, and I’m not about to start now.”

They stay like that, neither moving as they get lost in the moment. It’s only when a sharp whistle pierces the air that TK breaks their eye contact, twisting around to find the source. Carlos doesn’t recognize the elderly woman waving at them from a few stalls away, but TK obviously does by the low noise he lets out.

“Shit,” he mutters, looking back at him. “That’s Martha; we buy jam and honey from her. She’s very old and very sweet and is extremely fond of us. She’s gonna take one look at your arm and fuss, and if we tell her about your memory issues – “

“She’s not going to take it too well?” Carlos finishes for him, getting a nod in return. “Okay,” he says, understanding TK is suggesting they pretend everything is fine. “Martha, you said?”

“Yeah,” TK bites down on his lip nervously.

Carlos gives TK’s fingers a gentle tug. “Let’s go say hello and get some jam. Does she have apricot?” he questions as they start to make their way over to her stall.

TK lets out a breath, smiling slightly as he leans into Carlos’ side. “Yes, she has apricot jam, which she always lets you taste even though we buy it from her all the time.”

“I like her already,” he says honestly. He can see the woman better now. He can see the happy smile on her face as they approach, followed by concern as her eyes stray to his arm.

“Carlos Reyes,” she gasps once they are close enough. “What in the world happened to you?”

“Car accident,” he says as she comes around her stall to get closer. He stands still as she touches his arm and then his cheek with gentle wrinkled hands as she peers up at him.

“Oh my dear boy,” she says softly, her tone caring like a grandmother. “Are you okay?”

He gives her a nod, tilting his head towards TK. “This one over here is taking very good care of me,” he says with a playful waggle of his eyebrows, smiling when she lets out a whistling laugh, her concern easing at his teasing.

“I’m sure he is,” she says with a laughing tone of her own. She turns towards TK, holding out her hands to him. TK places his hands in hers, holding on as she gives them a gentle squeeze. “You okay, dear?”

“Yeah, I’m okay, Martha,” TK answers her softly, sneaking a look at him. “He’s alive and whole, and that’s all that matters to me.”

Martha studies both of them with a gentle look. “Sweet boys,” she whispers. She pats TK’s hands again before letting go of them. “Your love is so special,” she continues with a smile that is then followed by a pointed look. “Beautiful, even though I see no rings yet.”

TK groans out the woman’s name through a tired smile. He looks amused, but it doesn’t hide the gentle blush taking over his face. “We’ve talked about this, Martha,” he reminds her, sneaking a look at him again before focusing on the older woman. “We’re happy the way we are, for now, there is no need to – “

“Rush things,” Martha finishes for TK, rolling her eyes at him. “Blah, blah, blah,” she mocks with her hand.

“Martha!” TK exclaims with a surprised laugh. Carlos looks away, not knowing what to say. He can feel his heart tick up at the subject. Obviously, it’s one the older woman is used to commenting on going off TK’s response, and Carlos wonders what his usual answer is. He doesn’t know. All he knows is that the mention of rings – his on TK’s finger, makes his stomach do a somersault.

“Young people,” Martha mutters as she opens a jar of jam, spreading some over a cracker before passing it over to him.

He takes it from her, popping it into his mouth, letting out a pleased sound as the sweet taste fills his senses. “Delicious,” he says to her, causing her to beam back at him. “Best jam ever.”

“If you put a ring on this boy’s finger already, I might give you my secret recipe,” she says to him, grinning brightly as he feels his face go red.

“Oh my god, Martha,” TK mumbles, turning his face to hide it into Carlos’ shoulder.

Carlos instinctively pulls him closer, trying to shield him from his own embarrassment.

Martha sighs deeply, pursing her lips at them. “Just the jam then?”

 ֎֎֎

 They get home past noon. The ride back is quiet and a little uncomfortable. Martha’s teasing prompting some new questions Carlos is itching to ask.

“I left some chicken out for a southwest salad for lunch?” TK tells him as they place their groceries on the counter. “What do you say?”

“Sounds good,” he answers as he takes out the avocados from the bag, separating the two ripe ones for the salad.

“Great,” TK says, flashing him a strained smile. He starts pulling out what he needs from the cupboards, beans, and corn, while Carlos gets the rest from the fridge.

They work together around the kitchen quietly, Carlos’ assistance limited by his arm. Finally, as TK cooks the chicken on a cast iron skillet, he can’t hold in his questions any longer.

“Have we talked about it?” he asks, holding his breath when TK shoots him a knowing look.

“We haven’t planned anything officially,” he answers, not needing Carlos to clarify his question. “But you know how much I love you, and I know how much you love me. We both know we want to spend the rest of our lives together. There is no doubt about that.”

Carlos takes in a sharp breath at the certainty he hears in TK’s voice as he speaks about their commitment to each other in the present tense, not in the past before Carlos’ accident. TK’s absolute belief in them is humbling, and Carlos is left in awe that someone loves him as much as TK does.

It must show on his face by the way TK’s expression softens. He reaches out, touching Carlos’ side gently for a moment, offering him comfort.

“The chicken is done,” he says as he pulls his hand back.

Carlos doesn’t say anything. Instead, he just watches TK move around the room, getting their salads ready. He takes the plate offered, heading for the dining room table, following TK.

“I have a shift tomorrow,” TK tells him as they eat. “But Captain Vega said I can call out if you need me here with you.”

He looks at him questioningly, but Carlos is already shaking his head. “I don’t want you to miss work because of me,” he tells him. It’s bad enough that he’s on leave for the next few weeks due to his arm and head injury. “I’m healthy enough to be left on my own.”

TK opens his mouth like he wants to argue, pausing when Carlos gives him a pleading look. “Okay then,” he says softly, agreeing. “I’ll tell her I’m good to go, but I’m gonna check in on you.”

Carlos nods.

“A lot,” TK warns him, and this time Carlos smiles.

“I expect nothing less,” he answers softly, affection spreading through him for the man before him.

 ֎֎֎

 They spend the rest of the afternoon and evening lounging around. Carlos’ parents call again, this time facetiming. He and TK press against each other as they talk to them, and Carlos catches the smiles his folks throw their way more than once.

“My parents seem to really like you,” he comments later as they lay back on the couch watching TV. They’re watching the end of an episode of house hunters, and TK has been complaining about the couple and their ridiculously high expectations for most of it. “How did that happen?”

TK turns to him, raising both eyebrows in challenge. “I’m sorry, do you not find me charming enough to win over Gabriel and Andrea Reyes?” he asks with a teasing smirk on his face. “Because I’ll have you know they adore me. Big fans of TK Strand those two.”

Carlos rolls his eyes even as he smiles. “I know. I can tell they love you,” he answers. “And I know you’re charming. You’ve already captivated me, and I’ve only been home two days with you.”

TK looks away from him at that, but Carlos can see the corners of his mouth tug upward anyway.

“I just remember how it used to be between my folks and me when it came to my private life,” he continues though he wants to forget the subject and focus on the smile on TK’s face. He wants to reach out and trace it with his thumb, hating how it drops as he continues. “I guess I don’t understand how we got to this point with them.”

“That’s probably more of a conversation you should have with your folks,” TK answers delicately as he fidgets with his fingers. “But I will say that though it took time, once they knew about us, they were very happy with our relationship, and it greatly improved your own relationship with them. That old hurt you’re remembering of not being able to share your life with them, that mended over time.”

“Thanks to you,” he answers softly, sure of it deep in his bones that TK had everything to do with it.

TK doesn’t deny it; he just gives him a kind smile. “I always have your back,” he tells him. “Just like you have mine.”

Carlos wants to say thank you, but it doesn’t feel nearly enough. The smile TK gives him lets him know he hears it anyway.

“I’m gonna hop in the shower,” TK says as he stands up from the couch. “When I get out, I’ll wrap your arm for you, okay?”

He gives him a nod and watches as he heads upstairs. He waits for a few minutes before he too gets up, turning off the TV and the lights, punching in the security code TK wrote down for him before heading upstairs himself.

A few minutes pass before TK comes out of the shower and into the bedroom, this time in a pair of sleeping shorts and a t-shirt, disappointingly not like the night before with just a towel around him.

“I didn’t even ask how you slept last night,” he says, running a towel over his head, looking at Carlos expectantly.

Carlos goes to tell him he slept fine, not wanting to burden him, but can’t bring himself to lie. “The bed is too big,” he says instead, getting a sympathetic look back from TK.

“We have slept together for a long time now,” he says softly. “We are used to our bodies next to each other. I didn’t get great sleep in the guestroom either,” he admits.

“You could – “ Carlos stops himself, biting down on his lip as his heart starts to race at the same thought he’s had since the night before. He can tell by the way TK’s eyes widen that he knows what he wants to say.

“Yeah?” he questions, pausing hesitantly as he licks his lips. “You wouldn’t be uncomfortable with me in bed with you?”

He lets out a small huff as he closes his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, he can’t help but smile. “I might not remember a lot of stuff right now. But I know for a fact that you have never made me feel uncomfortable, that much I do know.”

He tilts his head to the side as he studies the way TK has gone shy. “What about you? Will you be uncomfortable if we share the same bed?”

“More like relieved,” TK blurts out, going rosy in the cheeks as he speaks. “It’s been a long two weeks without you, sweetheart.”

His eyes darken for a moment, and Carlos feels his breath catch.

“Okay then,” he whispers, swallowing hard as his stomach clenches with anticipation, feeling a fundamental shift between them. “It’s settled.”

 ֎֎֎

 He takes his time in the shower, and by the time he comes out, TK has settled into his side of the bed, his eyes half-closed as they follow him around the room that is dark except for his bedside lamp. It casts a low yellow glow that gives the space a dream-like quality.

“You should know I have been known to cling to you like a koala in the middle of the night,” he warns him sleepily as Carlos gets under the covers. It sounds nice, and he tells TK that, earning a tired chuckle in return.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he sighs out as he turns to his side, facing Carlos with his eyes closed.

Carlos mimics him, turning towards him without turning off the lights just yet, his face inches away from TK’s. He doesn’t mean to stare at him, but he can’t help himself. This is the closest he’s had TK since this started, and he can’t help but want to take him in. He must be staring too hard because after a few minutes, TK’s eyes flutter open. They’re tired but bright in the darkened room. Like two beacons of light, they pull Carlos in. He inches closer until his forehead is pressed against TK’s. Their breathing is loud and heavy, and Carlos can feel every puff that passes TK’s lips touch his face.

He reaches up, giving in to the impulse from earlier, running a trembling finger over TK’s mouth, finding it as soft as he imagined.

“Carlos,” TK whispers, and when Carlos looks up from his mouth, he finds his pupils blown wide.

TK lifts a hand, grabbing at his bicep to pull him closer.

“Are you sure?” he questions even as he wraps an arm around TK’s waist, pulling him tight against his body, his heart racing at the soft moan TK lets out in response.

“If you don’t kiss me, I’m going to lose my mind,” TK mutters, pressing his forehead harder against Carlos’.

Carlos lets out a low groan right as he covers TK’s mouth with his own.

It’s not a tentative kiss.

He might not remember their first, but his mouth and body seem to have no such problem as he sinks his tongue into TK’s mouth. Desperate from the first taste for more.

TK gives as good as he gets; he licks and bites on Carlos’ bottom lip, smiling into the kiss as it makes Carlos gasp. Then, he presses a smaller, gentler one over the sting to soothe it, and this time Carlos’ toes curl at the sweetness of the gesture.

“I must want to kiss you all the damn time,” Carlos whispers frantically as he clings to TK. It gets him a soft, loving laugh from his boyfriend as their kisses slow down to a gentle back and forth of their lips.

“The feeling is very mutual, sweetheart,” he tells him, giving him one last kiss, followed by two smaller ones at the corners of his mouth. He pulls back then, reaching over Carlos’ side to turn off the light. They settle in for the night, neither pulling away from each other’s arms.

He feels TK fall asleep even as he remains wide awake and accepts another sleepless night as TK gets even closer, his face tucked away into Carlos’ neck.

With TK in his arms, this one is already a hundred times better than the night before.

 ֎֎֎

 Carlos is in the middle of mindlessly channel surfing when there is a knock at the door. Most of his morning has been aimless with nothing to do but think of TK and them waking up together in a tangle of limbs.

He had woken up to his breath being stolen by the beauty of a sleeping TK. He’d been helpless but to stare and study every detail of his face, committing it to memory, wondering how in the world he could ever forget such a perfect picture in the first place. Twenty minutes later, right before his alarm went off, TK’s eyes had fluttered open to find his gaze on him. The smile that took over TK’s face as he teasingly called him a weirdo for staring had caused something to squeeze tight under Carlos’ ribcage with a feeling he didn’t dare speak out loud yet.

Getting up from the couch, he opens the door to find his mother on the other side with a bakery box in her hands.

“Conchas?” she asks with a bright smile as she shakes the box back and forth.

Carlos smiles, giving her a head tilt toward the inside of the house, kissing her on the cheek as she comes in.

They head for the kitchen, and Carlos silently starts the coffee machine before pulling a jar of Nutella out of the cupboard.

“You remember that,” she says with a pleased smile as she grabs a knife and starts cutting the conchas down the middle to spread the Nutella over it.

“Mmhmm,” he nods, leaning against the counter, waiting for the coffee to brew.

She passes him a half of the sweet bread with a smile. “How’s it going, cariño?” she questions, her brow wrinkled with worry.

Carlos chews on his concha as he tries to think how to answer that. Physically he’s okay; his arm is healing, and he should have his cast off in a few weeks. Even mentally, the doctors aren’t terribly concern. They’re sure his memory will come back, and given the small but frequent flashes he’s had, he’s inclined to believe them.

Just this morning, he’d made TK’s banana and peanut butter shake – made with oat milk, two tablespoons of creamy peanut butter, and half a scoop of protein powder. TK had taken a sip from it, smiling as he told him it was precisely how he liked it, pausing for a moment as he realized Carlos remembered how to make it before his smile grew even larger. He was remembering, it was slow, but it was happening.

He could tell his mother all of that, but that wasn’t what was on his mind. What’s on his mind is the feel of TK’s mouth against his the night before and then this morning as he let him kiss him before he left for work. What’s on his mind is how right it felt to hold TK as they slept. What is on his mind is how TK’s smile or laugh causes Carlos to go warm all over.

“I think I’m falling in love, Mami,” he says softly, holding his breath once he’s let the words out.

Andrea puts down her treat, wiping her face with a napkin. When she lowers it, Carlos can see the hints of a smile playing on her face. “Well, I hope it’s with your boyfriend, or else this is going to get really awkward for you.”

“Mami,” Carlos groans at her teasing, getting a delighted laugh in return. He pushes off the counter to turn off the coffee maker, pouring the hot liquid into two mugs. “You don’t look particularly surprised by what I just said.”

Andrea smiles at him as she takes the mug he offers her. “Why would I be?” she questions. “Like temporary amnesia is going to destroy what you and TK have? Por favor.”

“What do we have?” he questions, curious to know how his mother sees his relationship with TK. If she really approves.

His mother seems to understand. She places her mug down, crossing the distance between them until she’s standing in front of him, taking his face in her hands.

“I will always regret not asking you more after you came out to us,” she starts, shaking her head when he goes to speak. “You were just a kid, my sweet boy, scared of what we would think, and we messed up so bad. Your father and I thought the best way to let you know it was fine was by acting like nothing had changed, when of course everything had changed for you. We should have asked about your romances, about your heartbreaks.”

“Mami,” he whispers, his heart in his throat as his mother gives him a sad smile.

“We didn’t realize we were hurting you by keeping quiet,” she continues. “I love TK as if he was my own, Carlitos, for a lot of reasons, but two above all.”

Carlos bites down on his lip, waiting for her to tell him her reasons.

“One,” she says with a teary smile. “Him coming into your life gave us a chance to fix our mistakes with you. He became so important to you, you couldn’t keep him from us, and as a result, we got to meet him, know him and get to know you too. The you we had been missing out with our ignorance, and I am so grateful for that.”

“And the second reason?” he asks, swallowing hard around the lump of emotion that has formed in his throat as he starts to get a picture of how he and his parents overcame years of silence about his personal life.

“The second reason answers your original question,” she says with a growing smile that is both loving and proud. “What you and TK have – it’s what I have always wanted for you since I first held you.”

With her hold on his face, she makes sure his eyes are locked with hers, letting Carlos see how sincere she’s being.

“You two have the type of love I always wished for you. Kind, patient, incredibly loving and tender, and above all else, genuine. You, telling me that you’re falling in love with TK all over again isn’t surprising in the least, mi niño. It was the only direction this story could go.”

 ֎֎֎

 Carlos waves at his mother as she drives away after dropping him off at the firehouse. He walks through the bay doors, finding both fire engines parked but an empty space where the rescue 126 rig should be. He sees a few of the faces that visited him while in the hospital over by the back of the firehouse but hesitates about approaching them.

“Carlos? What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

Carlos turns around at the voice to find the fire captain – TK’s father, his brain supplies, coming towards him with a concerned frown on his face.

“Captain Strand,” he greets him with a nervous smile as the older man’s frown deepens.

“We worked long and hard getting you comfortable enough to call me Owen,” he says with a shake of his head. “I know you can’t remember that we get along great right now, but please, let’s not revert to Captain or sir, I beg of you. It’s just Owen.”

“I’m sorry, sir – shit – Owen,” he gets out, cringing a bit as he feels like a school kid in trouble with the teacher. “I’ll work on it.”

“That’s all I ask,” Owen tells him with a smile that doesn’t hide his amusement in the least. “What brings you by? Not that you’re not welcome anytime, of course.”

“I was restless at home,” he answers with a shrug as he looks around the place. “I figured I’d come and visit TK, but – “ he trails off.

“He and his team are answering a call,” Owen finishes for him, his smile growing fond and meaningful. It makes Carlos want to squirm under the man’s watchful eye.

“What?” he blurts out finally as Owen seems to grow even more amused with him.

The captain lets out a chuckle, holding his hands up in a silent apologetic gesture. “It’s just that nothing has changed. You might have trouble remembering a lot of things right now, but you still seek TK out when you’re anxious.”

“How do you know I’m anxious?” he questions, surprised. He gets a sympathetic fatherly look from Owen that seems vaguely familiar in the back of his mind.

“Because you and I are friends,” he answers, slapping his back gently as he gestures towards the kitchen with a tilt of his head, asking him to follow him.

Carlos does, sitting on one of the stools when Owen points to it.

“And hopefully someday soon we’ll be family,” he continues with a smirk when Carlos jerks his head up to stare at him. “Officially anyway, we’re already family.”

Carlos doesn’t say anything as Owen pulls a slim pitcher with green gunk in it out of the fridge.

“I’m usually a good listener,” the fire captain tells him, placing a glass of the green liquid in front of him. “You and I talk sometimes.”

Carlos brings the glass to his mouth, taking a sip, instantly making a face that causes Owen to snort.

“You usually hide your distaste for my power greens smoothies better,” he says to him, laughing when Carlos scowls.

“You know I hate it and still offer it to me?” he questions, getting a cheeky grin and a nod.

“Just waiting for the day you finally have the guts to tell me you don’t like it.”

“Well, that day has arrived, Owen,” he says dryly, even as he blushes in the face of the older man’s enjoyment.

“At last,” Owen smirks, and it’s so reminiscent of TK it forces Carlos to smile back reluctantly.

“Strand men, troublemakers to the core,” he mutters, his eyes widening moments later. “I remember that,” he whispers, catching Owen’s eyes. “You two are brats.”

“Hey, now,” Owen says with faux offense, even as he looks at him brightly and hopefully. “Hurtful, truthful, but hurtful.”

Carlos huffs, shaking his head with amusement.

“You’re starting to remember,” Owen says kindly, his expression softening as he says it, relieved as Carlos gives him a nod. “That’s so good, kid. We all miss you, but especially my son.”

Carlos licks his lips nervously, parting them to speak when the beeping of the ambulance coming back echoes through the place.

“Speak of the devil,” Owen says quietly, the corners of his mouth tilting upward. “Go on then. He’s who you came to see, and I know he’ll be happy to see your face. He’s been worried all day about being away from you.”

Carlos quickly gets up, flashing Owen a grateful look before heading back towards the front of the firehouse. He watches as TK’s partner and Captain joke with him for a moment before heading off together, leaving TK alone by the rig.

“Hey,” he calls out, watching as TK’s head snaps up at his voice.

“Hi,” TK says back, walking over to him quickly. “Are you okay? Did something happen? Are you hurt?”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he says softly, touching TK’s bicep, running his hand up and down his arm. “I’m fine. Nothing is wrong,” he continues, pulling TK towards him as his shoulders drop in relief. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he whispers, wrapping his good arm around TK, holding him to his chest. “I just missed you and wanted to see your face.”

TK pulls back just enough to look up at him from where he has tucked his face into Carlos’ chest. “Really?” he whispers, his green eyes bright and oh so pretty.

“Yeah,” he answers, licking his lips, his stomach clenching as TK tracks the movement, and he wonders if it’s okay for him to kiss TK here. If now that they have kissed, he can just kiss him when the urge hits. He thinks probably not, or he would be kissing TK nonstop seeing as the urge seems to always be there.

Instead, he takes a small step back to resist the urge to give in to the temptation and says. “Let’s go out tonight.”

TK raises an eyebrow at him, a small, shy smile playing on his lips. “Like a date?” he questions, his smile blossoming when Carlos nods.

“Yeah,” he exhales to calm down his sudden nerves. “Let’s go out on a date.”

“Okay,” TK grins, looking giddy. “I get off at 7. I’ll pick you up. I know exactly where to go.”

 ֎֎֎

 “This is really where you want to have our date?” Carlos asks dubiously as TK parks in the middle of an empty field – the burgers and fries they had picked up in a brown bag on his lap.

TK kills the engine, flashing him a grin as he unhooks his seatbelt. “It’s a special place for us,” he says mysteriously as he opens his door, stepping out of the car and grabbing their drinks. “Come on,” he motions for him to follow him to the back.

Popping the flatbed, Carlos finds a blanket laid out on the back of the truck.

“You prepped for this,” he comments, smiling when TK gives him a shy shrug of his shoulders. He takes the food from Carlos to allow him to get in first, following him seconds later.

“This is nice,” he says softly, looking around, picking at a loose thread of the blanket underneath them while TK unwraps their food. “Why is this place special for us?” he asks curiously. The field is elevated, and over the edge, there is a nice view of the city.

“This is where you and I officially started,” TK answers him as he looks up at the night sky. “We laid on top of your car looking at the sky and really began that night.”

Carlos looks up at the sky too. They’re far enough from the city that the stars gleam brightly. They’re beautiful, but Carlos just knows they were stunning the night TK is talking about.

Different shades of blue and green streak through the sky, lighting it up above them. They’re one of the most beautiful things he’s ever seen. So stunning, and yet they pale in comparison to the man resting next to him on the hood of his car.

He looks up because he’s supposed to and has to resist the urge of turning his head towards what he really wants to be looking at.

“What are you thinking?” he asks finally, holding his breath as he waits for an answer.

“I’m thinking,” TK starts to say, his voice soft but pleased. “We make a pretty good team.”

Carlos’ breath catches his throat, a thread of hope spreading through him before he can tell himself to rein it in. Finally, he allows himself to turn his head, looking at TK, finding him smiling up at the sky.

“We really do, don’t we?” he asks, his heart skipping a beat as TK turns to face him, his smile growing the longer he looks at Carlos.

“’fraid so,” he whispers as he reaches for Carlos’ hand, intertwining their fingers together before he brings their hands to rest over his stomach.

Carlos blinks, but the memory doesn’t fade. If anything, it gleams brighter. He remembers leaning in closer to TK until their mouths were but a whisper away from each other. He remembers the half-moan-half-grumble TK let out the longer their lips didn’t touch until Carlos was chuckling into their kiss – moaning himself when TK licked into his mouth, pent-up passion engulfing them after weeks of being something like friends.

“You with me?” TK questions curiously as he takes a sip from his soft drink.

“We make a pretty good team,” he answers and watches as TK’s hand freezes midway to the fries between them. His green eyes snap to his, fearful, hopeful, and everything else in between as he stares at him.

“You remember that?” he questions, and Carlos can tell he’s holding his breath as he waits for Carlos to answer. So he does.

“We made out on the hood of my car like teenagers,” he says with a smile as the memory plays again. “You almost pulled on your stitches. I warned you that if you pulled them out again, you were going to have to call your father and explain how it happened.”

“I was excited,” TK grumbles, giving him a pout. “Making out with you is the most fun I have ever had making out with anyone. The stitches were fine but you invoking my dad totally killed the mood.”

“No, it didn’t,” Carlos counters with a grin. He pushes the food away so he can get closer to TK until their faces are only inches apart. “You kept kissing me. We kissed at every red light from here to your dad’s place, and then when we got there, we made out for another ten minutes until he turned the living room lights on and off.”

“That was so embarrassing,” TK groans, leaning his head forward to let it rest against Carlos’. They stay like that for a moment, their eyes locked on each other.

“You remember that night,” TK breathes out in awe. “It’s coming back.”

Carlos nods, his nose rubbing against TK’s as he does so. “It’s coming back, TK,” he whispers back, swallowing hard as he lets himself ask for what he fears the most. “Please don’t stop loving me.”

 ֎֎֎

 Carlos wakes up after ten. It’s later than he’s used to, but with still being on leave at least until he’s out of his cast, he allows himself the indulgence of a late morning. He lets his good arm reach over to TK’s side of the bed. It’s empty, he knows, remembering the touch of TK’s lips to his forehead earlier in the morning before he left for work. Still, he touches the cool sheets, turning to press his face into TK’s pillow, breathing in his boyfriend’s scent, smiling to himself as he remembers the night before.

They’d come home after their date out in the field, kissing at every red light just like the first time, and by the time they pulled into the driveway, Carlos was vibrating out of his skin with desire.

He all but sprained his neck, nodding his consent when TK asked him if he was sure he wanted them to be intimate before his full memory came back. The smile on TK’s lips as he let out a soft chuckle was worth how red in the face he turned at his own eagerness.

He lets out an exhale, his good hand sliding down his body to cup himself through his sleep pants as he relives the night before.

TK helping him out of his clothes, laying gentle kisses over every inch of bare skin – he had laid back on the bed, his heart racing as TK took his own clothes off before he straddled his thighs, kissing him until he was a shaking mess underneath him. Only then had TK reached over to grab supplies out of the bedside table. And if he thought making out with TK was hot, nothing had prepared him for watching TK open himself up slowly for him with wet fingers, eyes fluttering shut, soft moans escaping his kiss-bruised lips as he found the right spot that made his thighs clench around Carlos’.

By the time TK was ready, reaching back to take him in his hand, lining him up to his opening, Carlos had been pleading, needing to be inside TK more than he has needed anything in his life.

Carlos lets out a low moan, tightening his hold on himself as he remembers the complete bliss he felt as TK sank down on him, taking in every last inch while Carlos stared up at him in awe as he started to move his hips.

Never in his life has he felt more connected to another person than to TK the night before.

He continues to picture it, recalling every beautiful sound TK made as he pushed them higher and higher, right up to the edge until he curved his body over Carlos’, his forehead pressed against his, his eyes wide as he stared down at him.

“I’m never going to stop loving you, Carlos,” TK whispered, drawing out a whimper from Carlos as he rolled his hips again. “Ever, I can promise you that. You can remember our life tomorrow or never again. I’ll always love you.”

Carlos comes in his fist with TK’s voice echoing in his ears just as he had done the night before. TK’s sureness of his love for him tipping him over the edge.

He lays there for a few minutes, waiting for his heart to stop racing before he gets up to clean himself. Without TK there to wrap his arm, it takes him longer to hop in the shower, but he manages. He has another week and a half with the cast on and honestly can’t wait to have it removed.

Once out of the shower, he’s looking through his dresser for clothes when his phone rings. Picking it up, he smiles as TK’s face appears on the caller ID.

“Hey,” he says, smiling into the speaker, his stomach doing a flip at TK’s voice, and he would roll his eyes at his silly schoolboy with a crush reaction if he wasn’t so happy and in love with the man on the other side of the phone.

“Hi,” TK says softly back, going quiet for a moment, and Carlos can just picture him biting down on his bottom lip. “I just wanted to check in with you. I had to leave for work early, and you were still mostly asleep. We didn’t get a chance to talk after last night, and I wanted to see how you were feeling this morning.”

Carlos smiles into the phone at the concern for him he hears in TK’s voice and wonders how he got so lucky to have such a caring partner.

“I’m good,” he answers as he keeps looking for a shirt he wants to wear. “I’m great, actually,” he continues honestly. “Last night was amazing.”

“No regrets?” TK questions hesitantly, causing Carlos to let out a snort.

“Only that we didn’t do that the night I came home,” he answers, grinning when TK lets out a laugh.

He pulls out a green shirt, throwing it on the bed with the jeans he’s already picked out. Then, opening the top drawer, he sticks his hand in to grab a pair of fresh underwear and socks, frowning when his hand finds a small hard box.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” he asks, and TK repeats himself as he suggests they do a movie night when he’s done with work. Carlos makes a sound of agreement as he stares at the small black box in his hand, his head racing as he realizes what it is.

A ring box.

“That sounds great,” he says, distracted, whispering a goodbye when TK tells him he has to go.

Ending the call, he places his phone down before focusing on the little box in his hand. He holds his breath as he opens the box to find a simple but beautiful wedding band, white gold or platinum, with a strip of small diamonds around it. On the inside is engraved ‘Eternally yours, te amo.’

The words hit him hard, and he has to take a seat at the edge of the bed as he realizes with startling clarity what he’s holding in his hand is his ring for TK.

He already knew he loved TK, has been falling for him all over again despite his lack of memory, and now, in his hand is the proof of just how much he loves him.

A hot tear lands on the hand holding the ring before he realizes he’s started crying, and by the time he reaches up to touch his face, he’s sobbing. It feels like the dam breaking after weeks of not even noticing it was filling up in the first place.

He cries over the moments he’s lost and is terrified he won’t get back. He cries as he realizes he could have lost so much more if he hadn’t made it out of the accident. He cries for TK, because if he feels this broken over a life he can’t remember well, he can only imagine what TK feels remembering it all. He cries in hope. Hope that forgotten life will come flooding back at some point. Finally, he cries in relief as TK’s voice promising to love him forever echoes again. Relief that even if the past doesn’t come back to him by some cruel twist of fate, he and TK still have a future.

He cries, and cries and cries some more, letting every last bit of it out.

 ֎֎֎

 If someone had asked Carlos how he thought he would get his memory back, he’s pretty sure his answer wouldn’t have been ‘on a random Thursday morning while brushing his teeth,’ but that’s precisely how it happens. He’s finished his shower, happy to no longer need to wrap his arm in plastic after having his cast removed a few days earlier.

It’s been three weeks since finding his engagement ring for TK and the minor breakdown that followed. He didn’t tell TK of either thing, not wanting him to worry or make him sad at his discovery. He knows it’s not the right time just as much as he knows that eventually, he’s going to put that ring on TK’s finger, memory back or not. He’s in love with his boyfriend – has fallen for him all over again.

His doctors are happy with his progress and the memories that are starting to seep through more and more as the days go on. They promise him if he just keeps living his life, doing what he usually does, they will all come back soon enough.

Carlos believes them, but he’s still surprised as he stares at his reflection, and it all comes back in an almost blinding flash. One second it’s not there, and then the next it is. He spits out the toothpaste in his mouth, barely passing a wet hand over it before he’s running out of the bathroom and down the stairs, tripping in his need to find the one person he needs the most right now.

“Scramble eggs for breakfast? We should probably go grocery shopping today since I’m off,” TK says to him as he turns to face him with a cup of coffee in his hand.

“TK stands for Tyler Kennedy,” he blurts out, watching as TK makes a face at the name before he realizes what he’s said, and his eyes widen. “And you always make that put-out face when I use it, but it’s followed by a smile because as much as you hate your name, you like it when I say it.”

“Carlos – “ TK whispers as he puts down his mug, and he can see it shaking slightly.

“When you are nervous or restless, you chew on the strings of your hoodies,” he continues. “And you bitch about Texas pizza, claiming it’s not real pizza because it’s not from New York.”

“Oh my god,” TK exhales, bringing a hand to his mouth as his eyes fill with tears.

Carlos swallows around the lump in his throat as his own eyes sting. “You play with my hair when I’ve had a hard day. You blush when I turn my cow eyes as you like to call them on you, and I love that I can make you blush even after three years.”

“You remember?” TK asks, and it breaks Carlos’ heart to hear the fear in his boyfriend’s voice, too scared to hope.

“I remember everything, baby,” he whispers back, taking a step toward him and then another. “And I love you, I love you so damn much TK – “

Carlos lets out a small grunt as TK slams into him, clinging to him as he starts to cry. He holds him tight to his chest, pressing his face into TK’s shoulder, rubbing his back, trying to soothe him as he continues to cry. It takes a few minutes for TK to calm down; by the time he does and pulls back to look at Carlos, his eyes are red from his tears.

“You remember me,” he says softly with a trembling smile.

“I’m so sorry I forgot,” he answers, reaching up to touch TK’s mouth when his boyfriend starts shaking his head, ready to tell him he doesn’t need to be sorry. “I know I don’t have to be and that it was an accident, but I’m still sorry you had to go through this. But you need to know, TK, that even without my memories, I still loved you, almost from the start. I loved you.”

TK wraps his fingers around Carlos’ wrist, pulling his hand away as he gives him a teary but beautiful smile. “I know that, my love. I know.”

Carlos nods as his eyes sting again, a tear slipping down his cheek. “I love you, TK. Then, now, and forever.”

TK lets out a shaky exhale, and when he tugs Carlos forward, he goes easily, sighing against TK’s lips as he kisses him gently. “And I love you, Carlos,” he says against his lips with another smile. “Exactly the same way.”

[howlingsaturn]

cotton candy skies (and the sweetness of your love)

carlos finally sought out his parents and told them about his relationship with tk. it doesn’t go quite like he expected and so he finds tk immediately after. 

here we go lads, 2.8k of fluff coming right at you. i’ve wanted it to be mostly carlos centric but there is some tk pov in the beginning too. no trigger warning for this one but stay safe everyone. <3

ao3 link if you wanna say hi. 

a forever with you

wouldn't nearly be enough

to quench the flames

you continue to rekindle in me

It's been a couple of weeks since their fight and TK can tell that it still lies heavily on Carlos' mind. While TK feels like it has brought them closer together, he finds Carlos staring off into space more recently. Sometimes he would look at TK with a hint of guilt and shame in his eyes and TK would need to assure him that it's okay, they've moved past it. Carlos would nod and kiss him but the weight on his shoulders would not lift one bit. It's frustrating, TK wants nothing more than to ease the tension in his body and help him carry the weight, but TK promised Carlos he would be patient and he's fully intent on keeping his promise. 

It comes as a bit of a surprise to him when Carlos shows up at the firehouse towards the end of his shift, unannounced. TK is currently sitting at the table, nursing a mineral water and talking to Marjan about the call they've just responded to when Paul's excited exclamation echoes through the otherwise quiet firehouse. 

"Reyes!" He calls, "Long time no see."

TK turns at just the right moment and as Carlos comes into view, a kind smile on his lips, TK can't stop his own from splitting into a grin. Paul's right though, Carlos hasn't been around as much as he used to because of the many hours he's currently working. TK has tried to talk him into taking a few days off but so far Carlos has refused, seemingly needing the distraction his job provides. It makes TK worry but he really tries not to push him too far, he trusts that Carlos will come to him if he's ready. 

"Good to see you too, Strickland," TK hears Carlos laugh, watching as he leans in for a hug, "Work's been crazy lately, you know how it is."

"Don't have to tell me," Paul replies as they break apart, "Just make sure you're taking care of yourself, alright?" 

Carlos' face softens and TK feels his heart clench in his chest. It's not surprising that Paul immediately knows something's been bothering Carlos but it leaves TK a bit unsettled anyway. 

"Your boy's in there, by the way," Paul adds and TK shakes himself out of his thoughts. He watches as Carlos' eyes follow Paul's gesture and when their eyes meet, Carlos' smile settles. He tilts his head in a quick movement, asking TK to meet him outside, and TK is out of his seat before he can start overthinking Carlos' intentions. He jogs up to him, throwing a glance in Paul's direction but Paul has already turned back to his task. 

"Hey," TK exclaims, a little breathless. 

"Hi," Carlos echoes, "You got a minute? There's something I need to talk to you about." 

"Sure," he responds with a grin although he can't help but feel a little anxious, "You have until the bell rings." 

Carlos nods in understanding and turns half a step, walking back out of the firehouse. TK can feel the gazes of his team boring into his back but he takes a deep breath and follows Carlos outside. 

"You okay?" TK asks when he comes to a stop next to Carlos, reaching out a hand to gently touch his wrist, watching him carefully. Carlos' hands are stuffed into his pockets, eyes locked into the distance to the left side of TK and he follows his gaze, quickly realising what has Carlos so transfixed: The sun is setting over the hills, only a few rays of sunshine are left to peek through the buildings, and the clouds are tinted in a soft pink colour that reminds TK of cotton candy. It makes his gut tingle with warmth.  

"Beautiful, isn't it?" He breathes out with a smile. 

"Yeah." 

TK turns to look at Carlos and finds him already looking at him, sporting a smile so soft, TK recognises it as the smile Carlos has reserved for him only. It makes his own smile widen and the anxiety that has previously made him breathless dissipates. 

"You're a sap," TK says and Carlos just shrugs, reaching for TK's hand to pull him close against his side, needing the comfort. He takes a moment to look at TK and the way he tilts his head as he regards Carlos a little sceptically. He raises his brow, biting the inside of his cheek while he does so and Carlos finds it absolutely endearing. The pink sky behind him illuminates his face in a soft, warm glow and something about the light makes the green in his eyes pop out more than usual. He's beautiful and Carlos wishes he could freeze time so he could look at him forever. TK lets him have his fill, Carlos is surprised by how long he lets him stare, but after a while he starts fidgeting. 

"Not that I don't love being the centre of your attention," he confesses, tilting his head down in slight embarrassment, "but you are kind of freaking me out right now."

"Sorry," Carlos laughs, enamored by the colour on TK's cheeks. His gaze drifts back towards the skyline and the weight of what happened today catches up on him again. The smile falls from his face as his muscles tense and the hand that still holds onto TK squeezes involuntarily. 

"Carlos, baby, what's wrong?" TK reaches out with the hand that isn't clutched in Carlos' and squeezes where his neck meets his shoulder, just now noticing how rigid Carlos is. 

"I love you a whole lot," Carlos says slowly, calculated, as his focus turns back to TK, "you know that right?" 

It takes TK a bit off guard if he's honest. They haven't said the words in a while but TK knows, he's always known. Carlos wears his heart on his sleeve and there's not a day that goes by where Carlos doesn't show him how loved he is. 

"Of course," TK tells him and now he's worried. He presses himself to Carlos' side, if to comfort Carlos or himself, he isn't sure, and plants a soft kiss to his shoulder. He looks up at him, searching his face, but as his hand slides down to curl around his elbow, Carlos looks away again. TK notices the tension in his jaw but the way his chest deeply expands with each breath tells TK that Carlos isn't as upset as he initially thought he was. It feels more like he's trying to order his thoughts, desperately searching for something he can't find, something he can no longer make sense of. 

"I visited my parents today," Carlos finally explains and TK's heart skips a beat, squeezing his arm in silent support.

"I told them I lied. I told them that the handsome guy they met at the market a while back wasn't my friend from work but the love of my life." 

Carlos can feel the way TK's breath hitches from how close he stands and it makes him hide a smile. He turns to look at him and watches TK as he opens and closes his mouth, visibly fumbling to assemble his thoughts. Carlos knows exactly what he's thinking. Love of his life? 

"And how do-- how did they react?" TK finally gets out, swallowing heavily. 

"They were calm," Carlos replies, "Surprised. I think they didn't know what to say at first, but after a few minutes of awkward silence my mom started asking about you and the how's and when's of our relationship." He shrugs, a futile attempt to appear nonchalant, but TK can see right through him. The anxiety of that talk probably still lingers. 

"And then she asked me if I was happy."

"Oh," TK mutters and it sounds a little self-conscious, "What did you say?" 

"The truth," he replies, eager to erase TK's doubts, "that you make me the happiest man on earth. That when you walked out on me a month ago, it felt like my heart was torn into a million pieces and that that day, I swore to myself to never make you doubt your place in my life ever again."

Carlos can clearly see the impact his words have on TK and he realises he should've been more open with him. He knows he has turned into himself lately, knows he has tried really hard to hide himself and his feelings away. But the terror he had felt upon the prospect of his parents finding out about TK and their relationship and disapproving of it, has been weighing heavily on him. He doesn't know why he's been so scared, he knows he would survive his parents' rejection, but to Carlos, there's nothing more important than family. And despite the fact that he's a grown man with a secure job and stable relationships, he can't imagine not having his parents' house to return to and seek shelter in if his world starts collapsing. When it comes to his mother, he will always be the soft little guy with too many fears, desperate for a comforting touch or reassuring words. He just can't help it. 

"Carlos," TK pulls him out of his own head and he hurries to order his thoughts. There's something else he needs to get out, a confession that has changed his life completely.

"But you know what my mom did?" 

TK shakes his head. 

"She took my hand and said she was glad I had somebody who loves me. She said she was sorry for how they reacted all those years ago, that they figured by simply acting like it wasn't a big deal, like it didn't change anything, they would do me a favour." 

Carlos chokes on his words, willing away the tears that threaten to spill, and holds onto TK a little stronger. TK presses another kiss to his shoulder, resting his cheek against Carlos and rubbing circles into his arm. He doesn't know why he's getting so emotional now, this is even about him.

"You know what else she said?" Carlos asks.

"Hm?"

"She said couldn't wait to properly meet you."  

TK's eyes widen in surprise and something about the huge smile that's now gracing Carlos' lips, makes him choke on his own tears as well. Carlos reaches for him then, tilting TK's head up for a kiss, and TK all but melts into him. 

"So wait," he mumbles between kisses, "You do want me to meet your parents now right?" 

Carlos laughs again, shaking his head in fond exasperation. "Of course I want you to meet my parents." 

"Ok, ok," TK says and winds his arms around Carlos' neck, "just making sure."

He kisses him again, feverishly so, and when TK pulls back to look at him, Carlos isn't yet ready to let go. He coaxes TK into another kiss and then another and another until he's breathless with it all.

"I'm so proud of you," TK whispers when they finally break apart, gently cupping Carlos' face in his hands, and the noise Carlos makes in response sounds a little pained. Carlos curses silently as he can't help the tears that we'll up in his eyes again. Today has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. 

"You are so fucking brave," TK adds, not allowing Carlos to look away even for a second, and as he raises on his tiptoes to press a series of soft pecks onto Carlos' cheeks, Carlos finally loses the tension in his shoulders. He lets himself be tugged into a hug, his arms winding across TK's back to pull him closer and he allows himself to calm. He pulls back after a while, the urge to see TK too strong to ignore, and when TK smiles at him gleefully, Carlos knows he’s going to be okay. Right here with TK in his arms, he feels safe. 

"I love you," TK tells him, his hands resting against the back of Carlos' neck and Carlos has to kiss him for it. It's probably wildly inappropriate, standing outside the firehouse wrapped around each other like that, but Carlos doesn't care, he only has one priority and that's kissing TK. Judging by the way TK holds onto him and reciprocates the kiss, Carlos doesn't think he minds either. He does eventually break the kiss, much to TK's dismay, but only because there's more he needs to say.

He takes another moment to look at TK, it seems that he can't stop staring at him today, and the flush shining high on his cheekbones makes Carlos' stomach flutter. His eyes are wide with joy, his lips red and puffy and he looks so god damn perfect, Carlos cannot wait to take him home and show him how utterly loved he is. He reaches up a hand and cups his jaw, pressing another longing kiss to his lips that leaves TK chasing after him with eyes still closed. Carlos presses his thumb to TK's bottom lip, applying gentle pressure, and he watches mesmerized as TK swallows, his eyes fluttering open with a gasp. 

"Move in with me," Carlos says and the way TK's brows raise almost comically makes him stifle a laugh. 

"What?" TK responds confusedly. 

"You heard me. Move in with me, Ty." 

TK studies him for a few seconds, probably debating whether he's understood Carlos correctly and what comes out of his mouth is exactly what Carlos had expected. 

"Are you sure about this?" He asks, a hint of excitement glinting behind the insecurity in his eyes but Carlos knows he needs more reassurance than that. 

"Sure about wanting you to come home to me every day? Absolutely."

"And you're not just saying that because I've complained about my parents so much lately?" 

Carlos huffs out a laugh, gently squeezing TK's hip. 

"Look, of course I want you to have a safe space to retreat to when things get difficult with your parents but it's not just that."

TK's lips twitch into a smile and Carlos has to force himself not to kiss him again because if he did, he's not sure he could make himself stop. There's just something about the way TK looks at him that lights a fire in his chest. 

"I miss you when you're not around," Carlos explains, his voice dropping low with emotion, "the house is far too quiet and the bed far too cold without you there. You already occupy so much space in my heart, it's only reasonable you occupy space in my home, hopefully our home, too." 

TK lets out a watery laugh, biting his bottom lip in an attempt to hold the tears at bay. 

"That was so damn cheesy," he says and Carlos fears if he smiles any harder, he's going to tear his face apart. There's not a hint of nervousness in Carlos, he already knows what TK's answer is going to be.

"Well did it work?" He asks anyway, his own smile hurting his cheeks. 

TK squints at him, pretending to think it over, but he's far too happy to be a little shit about it for long.

"Yeah," he replies softly, genuinely, "I love you, Carlos, more than I ever thought possible and I hope you know that you make me really happy too. So yes, I'd love to move in with you." 

Carlos leans down and kisses him but their smiles are too wide for it to be a proper kiss. 

"You know I would offer you a key in a grand romantic gesture but you already have one."

TK makes a snorting sound, shaking his head in amusement. 

"So no grand romantic gestures for me?"

Carlos' smile turns soft then, images of a shared future appearing in his head and they look as beautiful as cotton candy skies. 

"Not this time, no."

TK wriggles his eyebrows knowingly and it makes Carlos blush, but his smile changes as well. It's sweeter now, his eyes mirroring what Carlos feels, and sometimes Carlos wonders what he did to deserve a love this special. 

"This time, huh?" TK asks, and the roughness of his voice masks the humour in his response, "Are you already planning a proper one then?" 

Carlos just shrugs and secures his hold on TK, but it's not like he ever plans on letting go anyway. 

"Maybe."

TK launches himself at him, pulling Carlos into another earth-shattering, toe-curling, breath-stealing kiss, and as the sun fully sets behind them, the sky now a warm orange, something in Carlos settles. Marriage is not something that is going to happen in the near future, they both know, but if Carlos is already making a mental checklist of everything he needs for the perfect proposal, TK doesn't have to know. 

[ao3theskyisblue]

We are lost (and we’re falling)

Summary:

His words had come out cold, short, and he knew Carlos didn’t need to be a cop to hear the bite in his tone.

The sound of the front door closing echoed loudly in the silence that followed, and he knew Carlos saw what he was looking at the second he heard a sharp inhale.

A sound of a bag dropping to the floor. Keys being returned to their rightful spot. Slow footsteps moving closer, but TK didn’t take his eyes off the offending piece of paper, glaring holes through the thin material holding insurmountable value.

“TK-”

“When.”

Written for Day 1 of @911lonestarangstweek : Emotional whump + “How do we fix this?” 

Read on AO3 

“When were you going to tell me?”

TK didn’t get up from his spot on the couch, stock still since he found a certain piece of paper reciting words he wasn’t sure he had read correctly for the 10th time that night. So, he sat, staring blankly at the muddled words on paper, waiting for his husband to come home to get the answers to his innumerable questions.

His words had come out cold, short, and he knew Carlos didn’t need to be a cop to hear the bite in his tone.

The sound of the front door closing echoed loudly in the silence that followed, and he knew Carlos saw what he was looking at the second he heard a sharp inhale.

A sound of a bag dropping to the floor. Keys being returned to their rightful spot. Slow footsteps moving closer, but TK didn’t take his eyes off the offending piece of paper, glaring holes through the thin material holding insurmountable value.

“TK-”

“When.”

TK looked up sharply, and felt his chest tighten at the way Carlos stepped back slightly. But they were going to have this conversation, because he had gone through the various stages of shock, disbelief, fear, anger, and now…nothing.

He wanted to understand.

“A few days before our one-year anniversary.” Carlos said quietly, and TK clenched his jaw, lifting a hand to run through his hair roughly.

“Our one-year anniversary when we were dating, or when we got married?” TK knew the answer to that when he saw Carlos tense, letting out a hollow laugh.

“Were you just never planning on telling me? Until what, I find out myself eventually? When it would already be too late?” TK bit down on his lower lip, hard, tasting the bitter tang of blood as his teeth broke skin. It wasn’t nearly enough to distract him from all this. He could see from the corner of his eyes as Carlos slowly took a seat on the ottoman in front of him, but still keeping a semblance of distance.

“I promise, I was going to tell you,” Carlos’ voice was still quiet, as if he knew the moment one of them raised their voices, it would only further escalate the conversation. “I just never found the right time.”

The right time.

TK couldn’t help a scoff at that, standing up sharply from his spot on the couch to pace the wooden floors of their living room, his steps arrhythmic.

“Tyler-”

TK let out an ugly sound, shooting Carlos a glare that could cut through glass.

“Don’t you dare. I am not in the mood to hear my name right now, especially when you decided to put it in a place where I absolutely object to.” He tore his gaze away from the coffee table, hands clenched tightly by his sides.

“How do we fix this?”

“Oh, so now it’s we?”

“TK-”

“No. I can’t–I can’t do this right now.” TK abruptly stopped his pacing only to violently slam his palms down on the kitchen counter, the skin of his palms stinging with a certain pain he couldn’t feel over the bleeding wounds of his heart. He could feel the tears burning like acid in his eyes, knowing that they could spill at any fueling word.

“Sweetheart,”

Clenching his fingers inwards towards his palms, he felt his nails digging against the soft skin, no doubt leaving deep crescent indentations in their wake.

“TK, look at me.”

The sound that ripped out of his throat was immediately covered with his hand, and TK furiously blinked back the onslaught of tears. He felt a gentle hand on his bicep, and forced himself to take in a few shuddering breaths before turning around, facing his husband. Carlos’ own eyes were red-rimmed, but he still had a small, albeit sad smile on his lips.

“Talk to me.” Carlos’ grip on his arm tightened, and TK swallowed back the sob that wanted to break free, instead taking in another deep breath and closing his eyes.  

He could feel the anguish filling up the room in suffocating waves, but he had already found it hard to breathe the second he had accidentally found the will. His name was printed neatly underneath a paragraph of writing, taunting him.

TK stares at the space between them, knowing that there was a hand on his arm, but not quite feeling it.

He couldn’t really name anything he was feeling right now.

“You have no idea what you’re asking.”

The words came out quiet, subdued, and TK wasn’t sure if Carlos even heard him. But then there was a warm hand trailing up his arm, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“You’re my partner. My better half, the love of my life,” Carlos stresses, as if that would somehow alleviate the pain currently tearing him to shreds. “There is no one else I trust with this more than you.”

A hot wave of fury washed over him. TK stepped back from the gentle hold to level a glare at the man standing before him, who looked stricken. TK hardly ever pulled away from Carlos’ touches, feeling a pit growing in his stomach at the hurt in his husband’s gaze.

“You-you have no idea-”

“I trust you-”

“I don’t trust myself, Carlos!”

TK felt the man in front of him reel back at that, but still refused to lift his gaze. He knew what he would see – concern, confusion, but what he couldn’t bear to see was the ever-present softness that never disappeared no matter how bad their arguments got.

Swallowing thickly, TK twisted the gold wedding band around his finger. Ever since the day they promised each other forever, the ring had become one of his grounding sources. Not stopping his administrations, TK tried for a smile which only turned into a grimace.  

“You are asking me to be the bridge between your life and death,” He started, clenching his jaw at the last part. “A single word, a signature, and I have the power to take your life. Don’t you dare make it seem like this is an easy decision for me, you don’t get to do that.” TK waved a hand towards the papers scattered on the coffee table, hearing Carlos suck in a sharp breath.

The ticking of the kitchen clock sounded louder than he remembered, and he tried to focus on the rhythmic ticking to try and calm his racing heartbeat.

It wasn’t working.

Carlos didn’t move closer, but his next words hit him like a bucket of ice water.

“You think I don’t know you put my name down for yours?”

The words weren’t accusing, nor were they harsh. Instead, they were stated as a fact, something TK couldn’t deny.  

That didn’t mean it was the same thing.

“That’s different.” He says icily, but Carlos didn’t so much as flinch. His gaze never wavered.

“How so? From where I’m standing, you and I seem to be thinking the same thing.” One thing he’s found to be a little frustrating and also endearing was how logical Carlos was with his arguments. TK didn’t know whether it was something that came from working in law enforcement, but he found it hard to argue with reason.

They didn’t fight often, but when they did, it was a brief fuel to the fire, something that both of them knew that would be worked out in the end and that at the end of the day, they were just two men who fiercely loved each other.

“Because you-” TK trailed off, the sudden heaviness of his thoughts weighing him down like lead. Carlos frowned.

“Because I’m…?”  

There were a few beats where they just stared at each other. TK could see that Carlos was itching to reach out towards him, but he knew that he had to be the first one to close the distance between them.

He wasn’t ready.

“When people leave, they take pieces.”  

His dad took the first piece. It had been a small piece, but a piece, nonetheless. Something he couldn’t grasp – just watching from a distance as it slipped through his fingers.

His mom took the next piece, and a 7-year-old’s memories were surprisingly vivid. He still remembered the colour of the moving truck parked outside their house, the sound of the spluttering engine as it came to life, the look on his neighbours’ faces as they not-so-subtly watched through the window as his parents argued.

The pieces kept chipping away as the years went by. His stepmom. Enzo. Every new friend he made and grew to never speak to again, his first overdose, the dinner with Alex.  

All those pieces left scars that he learned to bear better with time, but they never fully healed. He would never completely get those pieces back, but building himself to always strive for a better life created new ones he could nurture and protect.

And the person who carried the biggest piece of all, was the man standing right in front of him.

TK closed his eyes, knowing that Carlos could see the tremble of his lips as he tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. “You have all of me. If I have to watch you-if I’m the reason you leave this world-” A single tear slipped down his cheeks, and he quickly lifted a hand to wipe it away roughly. “I won’t be able to let you go Carlos, don’t ask me to.”

Carlos remained silent. TK didn’t know how long they had been standing in the little area between the living room and the kitchen, but from the way one of his knees had locked, the dull ache pulsating through his leg in waves, it must have been a while.

He still couldn’t bring himself to sit down.

“You think it’s easy for me to think about letting you go?”

There was a sharp intake of breath, and TK warily lifted his gaze from the floor to Carlos’ eyes, which were filled with ripples of love and pain. He took a small step forward, but nothing more than that.

“Because let me tell you, it would be the single hardest decision in my entire life.” He says shakily, and TK feels his heart shatter at the tears that broke free. This wasn’t the first time, nor would it be the last that he would see Carlos cry, but it never changed the fact that every time he did, something in him died a little with every tear that slipped down his cheeks.

He hadn’t realized his hands were trembling until he lifted them to gently cup Carlos’ face, thumbs slowly moving to delicately wipe the tears away. Two warm hands covered his own, and TK leaned up to press his lips gently to Carlos’ forehead. The hands covering his tightened when he leaned back.  

“I thought the single hardest decision were those adoption papers we filed a few months ago.” TK says lightly, feeling the first genuine smile grace his lips since the start of all this when Carlos let out a wet chuckle.

No matter how many years have passed, TK feels himself melting all over again at the signature warmth in Carlos’ gaze that was surely mirrored in his own as they looked at each other.

“They’re on different meters.” Carlos responds, and TK’s eyes crinkle at the sides. His hands move to his hips, pulling him in closer.

“We can’t see the future,” Carlos says softly, and TK’s smile dims. “There will be many more uncertainties down the road, obstacles we’ll face. But I’m sure, with every fiber of my being, that I want to face them with you– to be the one to hold your hand until the end.”

TK forcefully swallows past the bitter tang in his throat.

The words wash over him in a dizzying warmth. Death was inescapable, and a constant presence in both their lines of work. It was one of the reasons they treasured every minute they got with each other, never knowing when their clocks would abruptly stop. And although the mere thought of the possibility of Carlos leaving his world tore him raw and hung him dry, he knew that if it truly came to that, he would want the exact same thing.

For better or for worse.

Lifting a hand to run through Carlos’ curls fondly, his other hand drifted to his pulse point, feeling the rhythmic pulsing against his fingers.

“I love you.” TK says instead, pulling Carlos into a tight hug that was returned with equal fervor without hesitation.

“I know. And I love you.” Carlos murmured, tightening his arms around him. TK closed his eyes, pressing his face into the slightly rough material of his husband’s uniform, absently remembering that he hadn’t gotten a chance to change when he got home.

Pressing a kiss to Carlos’ shoulder, TK looked up to see brown eyes already looking at him affectionately. He slowly trails a hand down his husband’s arm, smiling at the trail of goosebumps left behind in their wake.

“I’m never letting go of your hand,” TK whispers, his hand having travelled down to intertwine with Carlos’, lifting it up to press a lingering kiss to the back of it. He stares at the ridges and scars with teary eyes, every indentation – every mark ingrained into his mind.

“I’m going to hold onto you for a long, long time.”  

[trashforhockeyguys]

Don’t Hold Me -14- Carter Hart

A/N: Hi. I’m back. This is easily my favorite part so far. So so fluffy. All previous parts are linked in my master list as always. Enjoy guys <3

A sense of tranquility settled over you for the next few days. Classes were a breeze. Kora was happy, Carter was more than happy. You were able to spend more time with TK and Ethan. Life felt normal. You didn’t even have space to worry for once. You were at almost every game with Ethan and Kora, all of you in various Flyers jerseys, you were of course in Carter’s though, and very proudly did you wear it. You were sure a couple of girls took a picture or two of you messing with the guys during warm ups. But somehow, you didn’t care.  Carter made it all easy. So so easy. You loved him. You couldn’t say it….but you loved him.

“You have a dazed look,” Kora broke the silence that filled your dorm room.

“I don’t.”

“Yeah, you do,” She laughed, “You’ve been staring off into space for five minutes. Actually….not space, more like that picture of you and Cart.”

You felt your cheeks heat up as you looked back down at the drawing you’d forgotten about. Everything just felt right. You didn’t know how to explain it, but you felt lighter than you had in years. You were sleeping better, whether you were with Carter or not. 

“Shut up,” You mumbled, feeling your face heat up.

“You loooooveeee him,” Kora half teased. 

“Yeah, and?” You tried not to think about what you just said. What you were fully admitting to her. Because this was definitely crossing lines now. 

“Wait, what? Seriously? You’d admitting that?” She sat down next to you, knowing this was a serious step for you. 

“I mean...I haven’t said it. But I think we both know?”

She smiled softly at you and sat down on the edge of your bed. Although you and Kora didn’t get off on the right foot in the beginning, it was safe to say she’d become your best friend. Maybe even like the sister you never had.

“You’re serious, aren’t you?” She asked, knowing this was something new for you.

You nodded, slowly like you were afraid of confirming it. Almost as if you were afraid of Carter hearing, even though he knew he was on the ice at the arena for morning skate. But saying it out loud, admitting how you felt about him...it almost seemed like it was too much for you to handle. You hadn’t meant to fall in love with Carter. You didn’t want to at first. You wanted to hate him and drive him away. But it seemed that being his friend was easy, and falling in love with him was even easier. It all krept up on you until you had no choice but to stop ignoring it. 

“Yeah,” You mumbled, not much louder than a whisper, “I love him. Kora….I love him.”

Her smile grew, knowing you surely wouldn’t say it if you didn’t mean it. She knew that with Carter...you meant it more than you ever had before. This feeling with him was different than anything you’d known before. Easy to be friends….even easier to fall in love.

You held the stuffed animal that was almost forgotten on your bed. You didn’t bring it to Carter’s, especially not now that you often slept in the same bed with him. It was strange, to say the least. You weren’t trusting someone this much. Ethan and Travis, they were the only ones, and Nolan, but only after a lot of convincing on Travis’s part. 

But enough to sleep next to someone, to trust them that much, was something new entirely. You felt safe when you were next to him. You didn’t have nightmares like you did when sleeping alone, almost as if he kept them at bay somehow. 

You tried not to depend on him, you didn’t want to be that person. He had a job, responsibilities. You knew he couldn’t be there all of the time. You didn’t want to be a burden to him. But there was no denying how you felt about him. How much you loved him, even if you weren’t sure that you were ready for such a thing.

“So you’re going to tell him that then, right?” Kora questioned.

You shook your head, “No...no. Probably best if I don’t.”

“You are one of the most difficult people I know,” Kora stated, “Normally when you love someone, you’re supposed to tell them.”

You shrugged. Not knowing how to really put it all in words. You had too much going on in your head to really sort it all out. But the thought of telling Carter scared you more than you were willing to admit. Even now, you could still act like this wasn’t really happening. You could still try to protect yourself, minimize the damage.

“You realize you’re hurting yourself, and him, right?”

“It’s just easier…”

“Keep telling yourself that kid,” She sighed, “I gotta get to class. I’ll catch you later.” 

“It’s game night, I’m staying at his place tonight.”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t have too much fun,” She said with a wink.

You watched as she left the dorm. You were left alone, trying to figure out where to go from here. Try though you might, you couldn’t figure out what to do. Nothing seemed to make sense to you. What happened if he really didn’t feel the same way, and you’d been kidding yourself this whole time? 

You tried not to think like that, you really did. You didn’t like being this person, not when you fought too hard to leave it all behind when you came to Philly. But so much of it was just ingrained in your brain, it wouldn’t go away no matter how hard you tried.

You took a deep breath and grabbed your belongings before getting ready to head to your own classes. Midterms were coming soon, and you’d have to start thinking about your final projects soon. You weren’t sure if you were ready for all of it to be over yet. Not when it meant leaving Carter.

On the way to class, you were too distracted by thinking about your boyfriend, the man that you loved, to even notice the note that fell out of your books, or that there was someone watching you. You didn’t even feel the chill that ran through you, didn’t even worry. Because all you could really think about was Carter.

It was hours later when you finally made your way into the Arena and into your seat. You almost felt a little dazed. It seemed to be setting in, what you told Kora earlier in the day. Because even in the arena full of people, and a game about to start, you just wanted to run out to him and tell him. No matter how scared you were….you wanted him to know. 

The thought alone was nearly enough to make you want to crap yourself, but you wanted him to know how you felt. He’d done enough to make you aware how he felt, without scaring you off by saying it. And you knew that. You knew he was doing everything he could to take it slow enough so that you wouldn’t run. He knew you’d scare easily.

You thought back on the last couple of months, and every moment you spent with him. He had a way of just bringing an overwhelming sense of calm to your life. You weren’t sure how he did it, especially since you didn’t make it easy for anyone. But he always seemed to manage. It was like he had some ability that allowed you to forget everything else when you were with him. You’d be lying if you said you understood how he managed it. 

Your phone lit up with a text from Kora, telling you that you needed to tell Carter, with a ton of winky faces. Your face heated. You hadn’t really had time to think about how the conversation would pan out. You didn’t know...you just didn’t know.

Maybe you were thinking too much about it. You wanted to tell him the other night, when he stayed and just held your hand. But all you seemed to be able to say was thank you. You wondered if he knew just how weighted that those simple words were...just how much they really meant. You said he knew, because it was easier than thinking that maybe he didn’t. Maybe he had no idea. 

Or maybe he did and just didn’t want to acknowledge it, just as you were afraid to. The fear bubbled up and threatened to spill over, filling you completely. Before...you would’ve let it. You would’ve let it take control and stop you from living your life. You would’ve hidden away and tried to forget...but not now. You weren’t that girl anymore, you fought hard not to be her. 

You wouldn’t let yourself slip like that again. You would fight it, every step of the way. Because you didn’t want to hide anymore, especially not from Carter. Not when he fought so hard to bring you into the light.

Your nails bit into the palm of your hand from where you’d clenched them so tightly. You looked at the small marks your nails left behind...you hadn’t done something like that in years. It was a habit you somehow broke after getting out of your hometown. 

You tried to force away the images that always seemed to flood your mind when it came to thinking about home. You once loved it. There hadn’t been a place where you felt more yourself. He took that away from you though. He made sure you didn’t get that feeling. Because all you could see were the pictures of your broken body that they used in court, to show just how badly he treated you. 

All you could do was feel the cold room of the hospital as the police talked in hushed tones outside the door, wondering who could’ve done that to a girl….you were just a little girl. Seventeen when it happened. Still so young...too young. Truth be told, you were still so young. You knew that. But you were growing, trying not to be the scared little girl anymore. 

You took a deep breath, not sure if you could sit through the rest of the game. You loved watching all of them play, but tonight you seemed to have too much on your mind. You couldn’t sit still long enough, barely making it through the first period. 

You weren’t paying attention to how they were playing. Missed when Travis scored thanks to a beautiful pass from Nolan, missed the glorious saves Carter made...all you could think about was how badly you wanted to lay it all on the line. Tell him everything. Let him see all of the darkest parts of you. 

By the time the game was over, you were practically running for your car. You sent a quick text to Carter, telling him you’d meet him at home. You didn’t even think twice about calling his apartment that...calling it home. You hadn’t realized just how much of a home it had become to you. All because of Carter.

You knew he wouldn’t be back for at least another hour, so you turned on the fireplace in the living room and cuddled up with your favorite blanket and a glass of wine. You just wanted to calm down a little, so you weren’t ready to practically crawl out of your skin.

What you hadn’t planned for though, was falling asleep to the sound of the fireplace crackling. The single glass of wine was enough to calm you down to the point where, with the fireplace, and the blanket, just seemed to be enough to allow you to drift off. 

It wasn’t what Carter expected when he came home. He knew you were going to be there, because you always were after a game, and because you told him as much. But the apartment was quiet, no music or TV, just the fireplace. He found your shoes by the door and couldn’t help the soft smile that spread across his face when he saw your favorite blanket concealing your body. 

He’d gotten the big fluffy blanket for you after you completed a rather hard project. He wanted to help you celebrate, and he knew how much you loved simple things like that. You were curled into a ball, an empty wine glass on the side table next to you. You were still in his jersey, which threatened to swallow you whole, but you refused to let him actually buy you one. Instead, opting for an old jersey of his. You told him time and time again that you’d rather wear his jersey than some random one from the team store.

He didn’t want to disturb you, but he also knew that you hated sleeping on the couch all night. You often woke up with aches all over your body. He knew that more often than not, the pain was from more than just sleeping on the couch, but you never said anything more than that. And Carter knew better than to ask questions about that part of your life. 

He could see when you were thinking about it though. It was like a dark cloud settled over you. Sometimes you could shake it away, change the subject, but other times it was always lingering. He didn’t know how to fix it. More often than not, he felt a deep ache in his chest, knowing there wasn’t much he could do. 

He knelt down to be at eye level and gently shook your shoulder, “Hey, wake up.” 

You drew in a sharp breath as your eyes fluttered open, “You’re home.”

You started to sit up before he leaned down to kiss your forehead. There was a warmth in his eyes that you weren’t sure you’d seen before. Even in your half asleep state, you wanted to blurt it out. But you didn’t know how to go about it. How were you supposed to explain just how you felt with those three simple words?

“C’mon, let's get you to bed, okay?”

He didn’t give you a chance to get up, before he was scooping you into his arms. You held onto him, snuggling into his chest. You loved him. You loved him more than you probably ought to. You loved him so much that sometimes it hurt. 

“Good game,” You said with a yawn. 

He smiled, “You say that even when I play like shit.”

“No, I tell you when you play like shit.”

“I know,” he smiled, “And that’s just one of the things I love about you.”

He didn’t even seem to notice he said it. He set you down on the bed, still wrapped in your blanket, “I’m gonna go change, I’ll be right back.”

You changed when you got home, save for the jersey. You could hear Carter humming in the bathroom. You loved when he was like this. Post game and happy, you loved the simple moments that you were able to experience like this. 

You snuggled into the bed by the time that Carter came back out of the bathroom. A small smile spread across his face again. You savored it, you savored every moment you had with him. You knew that time would run out before you wanted it to. So you savored it. 

His warmth filled the bed. You instantly curled into his side, wanting to be as close to him as you could be. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you as closely as he could. Savor the moments indeed.

“I love you,” He whispered into the dark room, “You don’t have to say it back. But I just thought you should know.”

You wanted to say it back, more than anything. But you couldn’t form the words. So instead, you kissed him softly before rolling over. Your face was a bright shade of pink, you were sure. His arms tightened around you, like he understood. He kissed your shoulder, the top of your head, and placed a gentle kiss on your neck before settling down and getting comfortable. 

“Get some sleep.”

That seemed to be all that needed to be said. He held you tightly as you began to drift off. You would never understand how safe you felt with him. How he was able to just quell all of your fears with just a few words. 

You were warm and safe and...and you were loved. You couldn’t ask for anything more. 

The light was starting to turn a dark shade of grey when your eyes peeled open. It was still too early to be awake, the city still seemed quiet. Carter was still breathing heavily, signaling that he was fast asleep. Normally he woke up long before you, it wasn’t often that you actually got to see him sleeping.

You tried to take in all of his features. There was a slight pinkish tint to his cheeks. Your chest tightened. How were you supposed to ever leave him? You smiled softly and brushed a stray bit of hair out of his face before softly kissing him. He stirred slightly before opening his eyes. He opened his mouth, ready to say something when you cut him off. 

“I love you too,” You whispered, “I really...really love you.”

He sat up quickly, like that simple confession woke him up even more, “You didn’t have to-”

“Shh,” you whispered, pulling him down towards you, “Just kiss me.”

And in the early light of the morning, you and Carter showed each other just how much you meant to one another. Soft and loving touches. Whispers of how much he loved you. You clung to him as if he was the only thing in the world that mattered. Truthfully, you weren’t sure the world outside even existed anymore. It was just the two of you in the bed. And that was all that mattered. You….and the man you loved.

[datleggy]

Post-demise At Hand

TW: mentions of past OD, past drug use, off screen death of character (Alex), grief, anger, misunderstandings 

TK isn’t sure how to react to the news, if he’s being completely honest with himself. 

He learns about the death of his ex through a post on Instagram via an old mutual friend of theirs that he hasn’t been in contact with since even before he packed up his life and moved to Texas. It’s hashtagged: #RIP #gonetoosoon and TK almost laughs out loud like some kind of maniac, because is that all Alex's life amounted to in the end? 

Two half-assed hashtags and a badly edited picture of Alex smirking at the person who took the stupid photograph in the first place. TK remembers that day; Alex had finally passed his drivers test and gotten his license. He remembers telling Alex to smile, remembers his ex boyfriend turning to him, rolling his eyes, saying something like “Why did I bother with this again? We live in New York.” except TK can’t remember what he said to Alex to be on the receiving end of that knowing little smirk. 

The one he can’t stop staring at now. 

“Earth to TK!” 

TK almost drops his phone onto the floor, blinking up at the person waving their hand in his face. “Huh?” 

Judd gives him a curious look. “Been calling you for like a straight minute, kid, you doin’ alright?” 

TK nods. “Yeah, sorry, yeah, I’m good, I was reading an article, I uh, got distracted.” he shakes his head. “What’s up?” 

“Your boyfriend’s downstairs lookin’ for you--” Judd tries not so subtly to peek at whatever it is that’s got TK so enraptured and catches a glimpse of a familiar face, one that gives him pause. 

He frowns. “TK, what the hell? Stalking your ex, seriously?” he blurts the accusation outloud without thinking, which is of course the very moment Carlos and Paul come gallivanting up the stairs, their laughter at something one of them said dying out abruptly. 

Paul’s eyes dart between the two men and he clears his throat awkwardly before motioning for Judd to skedaddle with him. Judd, who couldn’t take a hint if it hit him on the side of the head like a tire iron, simply folds his arms across his chest expectantly. “Well? Your fella’s right over there, so what’re you doing all up in your ex boyfriends business?” 

Paul sighs. Jesus. “Judd. Maybe we should give them some privacy?” Carlos is scarily silent next to him and Paul just knows shit’s about to hit the fan, and he’d rather be far far away when it does happen. 

Carlos swallows hard, wipes his hands against his uniform pants, and says, “It’s fine. I’ll um, I’ll see you at home.” before turning around and going back the way he came. 

“Man.” Paul stares at TK, who hasn’t uttered a single word as of yet. “You’re not gonna go follow after him?” 

Judd scoffs. “And do what? Tell him it’s not what it looks like?” 

TK blinks rapidly a few times, as if coming out of a daze. “I--” His eyes go wide when he realizes what’s happened. “Shit.” he runs over to the edge of the railing to call for Carlos, but his boyfriend apparently bolted, because he’s nowhere to be seen. 

Judd whistles loudly behind him, arms still crossed disapprovingly. “Carlos is a good catch, TK, shouldn’t be messin’ around with him if you’re not--” 

TK whirls around to face him, the look on his face mutinous. “I wasn’t stalking my ex on Instagram Judd! Get your head outta your ass and outta my business!” 

Judd takes a step forward and Paul can see where this is headed; he immediately gets in between the two men, arms raised. “Hey! Enough! You two need to relax.” 

Judd huffs. “I’m not the one tryna step out on my--” 

“Alex is dead.” Saying it outloud is surreal. 

Alex is dead. 

What the fuck. 

Paul and Judd both give pause. 

“What?” 

TK sighs, aggravated, and shows them the post he’d been caught looking at earlier. 

“TK...” Paul gulps. “I’m sorry man.” 

TK nods but doesn’t utter a word. 

Judd cringes. “Crap, I--” He wants to smack his head against the palm of his hand as hard as he can. “I’m such a heel, Jesus TK, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed--I’m so sorry.” 

TK leans his back against the railing and this time it’s his turn to cross his arms over his chest. “Yeah, well...tell that to Carlos.” 

“TK I’ll call him right now and tell him I misunderstood, I swear--” 

TK interrupts him again with a shake of his head. “No, no, it’s better if I just explain it myself.” he looks up at Judd through long lashes and manages a half hearted grin. “I guess I should be happy you respect my boyfriend enough to snitch on my ass?” 

Judd knows TK’s throwing him a bone, but still, he doesn’t feel he can take it. “I do,” he admits. “But that don’t mean I should’ve went ahead and assumed the worst. You deserve better than that and for that I’m especially sorry.” The whole thing with his own father in law stepping out on his Grace’s mother is still messing around with his head, but that was no excuse to think the worst of TK, of all people. 

But TK tells him not to sweat it, he’ll call Carlos and tell him everything, no big, really. And then he asks the two men not to mention anything about any of this to the Captain or to any of the rest of the team, if it can be helped. 

Paul frowns. “TK, it’s not good to try and go through these types of things alone, you know.” 

TK shakes his head. “I’m not trying to, really. I just,” he shrugs, looking a little like a lost lamb. “I don’t really know how I feel about it yet? So I’d rather not deal with everybody’s sympathies right now, if that’s ok.” 

**********************

He calls Carlos but gets sent straight to voicemail every single time and when that doesn’t work he texts him that whatever he thought was going on, there was nothing to worry about, that he would explain if Carlos would just pick up his damn phone. 

Work gets progressively busier after that and TK barely has time to catch his breath, much less to try and get into contact with his boyfriend, and so it’s not until the very end of his shift, hours later, that he’s able to rush home--that is, he thinks sullenly, if Carlos hasn’t changed all the locks on him.

TK shakes his head; Carlos wouldn’t do that. He’s probably stewing though, and that thought doesn’t make TK feel any better as he steps past the threshold and inside. He’s had such a long and tiring day he hasn’t even had time to properly process what’s happened to Alex. 

Carlos has cooked dinner, if the wonderful smell coming from the kitchen is any indication. He’s at the table eating alone with the TV on in the other room for background noise, and he doesn’t even look up to greet TK, only motions towards the stovetop vaguely. “Help yourself.” he mutters. 

TK ignores the food and takes a seat right across from Carlos, leans over the table with a grimace. “Babe, I swear to you it’s not like that. Judd misunderstood what happened--” 

Carlos sets his fork down with a clatter that startles TK into jumping slightly. “Look, I get it, moving in is a huge commitment, it’s scary, I know, but I didn’t think you would--” 

“Please,” TK stops him. “Please let me just explain, please.” he hastily takes his phone out of his back pocket and opens the app. He can hear Carlos sigh above him but it doesn’t deter TK from finding the post and holding it up to his face. “This is what Judd saw me looking at.” 

Carlos reluctantly lays eyes on the photo, his irritation and hurt only peeking when he sees that it’s a photo of TK’s almost fiance. That is, of course, until he reads the caption, notices the hashtags below, and suddenly it all makes sense. He doesn’t know quite what to say, except: “Oh.” 

TK nods. “Caught me by surprise. I um, I haven’t heard from him since, well, you know. So I didn’t really know how to react when I found out and then Judd came up behind me and I mean, you know the rest of the story…” 

“Oh.” Carlos says again, because he’s still trying to process the news. 

“Yeah.” TK shrinks back in his chair and the wounded look of him finally snaps Carlos out of it.  

“Crap,” Carlos groans. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” He gets up and rounds the table, kneeling down in front of TK. “I was hurt and I ran off without letting you even get a word in, that was messed up and I’m sorry. Are you ok?” He makes a face at his own question, because of course TK isn’t ok. The man he’d proposed marriage to a little over a year ago now has passed, after all. 

There’s no way he’s ‘ok’. 

“I uh, I don’t know.” TK admits quietly. 

Carlos puts a hand on his knee and squeezes gently. “It’s ok to be sad, Ty.” 

TK shakes his head. “It’s--I’m not. I’m not sad. I think? I mean...it’s not like we were on friendly terms, you know? I’m more surprised I guess, than anything else. He was still so young.” 

Carlos nods solemnly. “How did it happen, do you know?” 

TK clears his throat and scratches at the back of his head. “The obituary I found online said it was some kind of car accident near PA. I didn’t really find out any more details than that, though. The funeral was earlier this afternoon.” 

Carlos blinks. “Oh. None of your friends from New York said anything? Before today?” The fact that TK had to find out through Instagram is probably half the reason his boyfriend is finding it so hard to react properly to the tragic news. 

“I didn’t really bother to keep in contact with a lot of our friends when I left, to be honest. And plus, they were all Alexs’ friends before becoming mine. So he kinda had the right to keep them after the divorce...in a manner of speaking.” TK runs a hand through the greasy locks of his hair and grimaces. “Anyway, I should probably go shower, it’s been a long day and I’m kinda gross.” 

Carlos nods, letting TK worm his way out of the conversation without too much fuss. 

**********************

In the shower TK stands under the spray of hot water and stares blankly at the tiled wall in front of him, irritated by the jumbled thoughts plaguing him. God, he thinks, I could really use a drink right about now. 

What exactly is he supposed to be feeling right now? 

Grief? 

Anger? 

Or perhaps regret. 

It’s not as though TK ever got any real closure with Alex and now he never would. After being rejected by the man and worse yet, told he’d been replaced, TK hadn’t wanted to feel any of that pain and had gone to great and dangerous lengths to make sure he was good and numb that night. 

He hadn’t meant to overdose. But he’d popped a couple of pills initially, so sure that he could control himself this time, that this time it would be different. But twenty minutes later when the two little white pills had done nothing to soothe his aching heart TK thought, what’s two more? And then two more after that, and then maybe two more, and then he’d lost count, but fuck it, if he hadn’t felt better in the moment. 

The pills had worked! He couldn’t feel a thing, his head was blessedly empty and suddenly this giant weight had been lifted from his chest and he could breathe again. Until he couldn’t. 

The water is cold by the time TK steps out of the tub. He dries himself off and slips on a pair of boxer shorts and an old gray t-shirt. 

Carlos is waiting for him in the kitchen with a full plate, reheated, and normally the smell would be appetizing, but tonight it makes TK a little sick. “You alright? You were in there a while.” 

TK nods. “M’good.” 

“Here, sit, you should eat something before going to bed.” he sets the plate down in front of him and TK just stares at it like it’s the first time he’s seen food in a while and he’s not quite sure what to do with it. 

“Thanks, but I’m not really hungry. I think I’m just gonna go to sleep. I’m tired.” 

Carlos nods, his lips pursed like he wants to say something more, but instead all he says is, “Ok.” 

******************

It’s nearly three in the morning when TK wakes up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. He’s not sure how he does it, but he manages not to wake Carlos up as he sneaks out of their bed. 

A few minutes later he’s outside in his sweatpants and a hoodie, mindlessly jogging along his usual route. It’s not drugs or alcohol, but running does help. He runs and runs and runs until it hurts and even then, he keeps on running. It’s not until the cramping in his stomach is too much to bare that he finally stops and lets his body rest on a park bench. 

And it’s then that he feels his phone vibrating in his pocket and realizes he’s got three missed calls. “Shit.” he picks up immediately, holding the phone up to his ear with a shaky hand. “Hey.” 

“Where are you? TK, it’s almost five in the morning. What’s going on?” Carlos sounds frenzied on the other end of the line and TK can’t say he blames him. 

“Sorry, I couldn’t sleep, I went out on a run and I lost track of time. I’m headed home now, sorry. Go back to bed.” 

“I can come pick you up, where are you?” 

TK sighs. “Carlos, seriously, I’m within walking distance, don’t worry, I’ll be there in like fifteen minutes.” he hangs up without letting the other man get another word in, which he knows isn’t right, but can’t really find it in himself to care. 

His legs feel like jello when he gets up and the trek back to their place is torturous enough to make TK regret telling Carlos not to bother getting him. By the time he makes it home he’s limping slightly and his stomach is in knots. 

The door swings open before TK can even take out his keys, and Carlos is standing there at the entrance looking a mixture of concerned and annoyed. 

TK rolls his eyes and ignores the look, pushing his way inside and kicking off his shoes at the door. “What?” he snaps, when Carlos won’t stop staring at him. 

Carlos frowns. “Stop that.” 

“Stop what? What are you talking about? I went out for a run. You’re acting like I went out to shoot up at a meth lab or something. I was gone for less than two hours!” TK half shouts, his frustration spiking up a notch. 

“Stop shutting me out. I know you’re upset about what happened to Alex, but you can’t just-” 

“About what happened to Alex?” TK scoffs incredulously. “Nothing happened to Alex, Carlos, he died. That’s not something that happens to someone and then they like, get the fuck over it! He died! He’s dead! Gone! Never gonna see him again, didn’t get to say bye or even fuck you to the guy, he just went ahead and died and that’s that!” TK lets out a choked little laugh that sounds more like a cry than anything and covers his face with both hands, tries his best to get his shit together and under control, but it’s no use. 

It’s quiet for a long time and then TK speaks again and it's soft and agonized, “I loved him.” 

And Carlos nods, takes him by the shoulders and leads him to the stairs, where they both sit down and TK buries himself into Carlos, into his safe haven, and his breath hitches loudly and Carlos says, “I know.” and TK lets out a big broken sob. 

“I’m here.” Carlos assures him gently, “I’m here. It’s gonna be ok.”

.