#and I can't even be buried with my dad like I wanted to because they've taken his grave out

[windfighter]

People say to not trust your feelings at nine in the evening but it's currently 7 in the morning and I've had a full night of sleep and my feelings are yelling at me that I need to die and I wish my cats could die so I could kill myself so... should I trust that?

[artist-issues]

What are your hopes and fears for Moana 2?

Here's the thing

I mostly don't have any serious expectations or serious fears, because I can't be bothered to care that much, ever since Wish and Mark Henn's retirement. Not to put it dramatically, but Disney sort of died as I listened to the Bancroft Brothers' interview with Mark Henn. I have a baby nephew born around the same time a few months ago, and I listened to that guy talk about how the work stopped being meaningful and how he cried as soon as he got home from his going-away party at the studio, and something in my brain, unprompted, went, "my nephew isn't going to get the same Disney that I got or even my parents got, because it went out the door with Mark Henn."

Anyway.

But if you want my thoughts: the first movie was about how it's good to do new things when you're secure in who you are, and you find out who you are by remembering where you've been & what you've done. I could say it more succinctly but I don't feel like it.

So a sequel would make the most sense if it was about something calling into question who Moana thought she was—like maybe she's adopted or her ancestors waged war on another tribe and were actually conquerors, not just explorers, something unfortunate like that—and then she has to try and right the wrong or find out who her real parents are, something that corrects that fracture in her identity (kind of a Frozen 2 thing)—OR the other route they could go is less Moana-herself-focused and more "worldbuildy," and they could do that while staying "on theme" by having a new mystery about "who her people are" come up—because who her "people" are is a big part of her identity, and the current Western culture is all about finding identity in your "people," so they'll eat it up.

Aaandd the latter seems to be exactly what they're doing, from the trailers I've seen.

My biggest fears are that it's not going to look as good, and it's not going to sound as good, and it's not going to be paced as well, as the first movie. Already there's something off about the character designs in the trailers. And everybody's excited about this new villainess. They're like "yay, a villainess who is a villain!"

But ok guys 1) just because there is a villain in a movie doesn't mean it'll be a good movie, or a good villain. It just means, until proven otherwise, they're ticking off the fan-request boxes they've seen listed on the internet. And I don't find that to be a good sign. In the first movie they have a series of "real villains," even if they're not the driving force behind the main conflict. It's not a good story just because of the villain. The villain has to serve the story in a way that's specific to the main theme for it to be good.

Tamatoa was a good villain because he made his identity all about his outward appearance, as a foil for Maui. Maui was a good villain (such as he was) because he was willing to make his insecurities the rest of the world's problem—which could've been a temptation for Moana to do, too, because her whole village expected something of her, yadda yadda. Tefiti was a good villain because she illustrated the destructiveness of forgetting who you are. Even the dad is a good "antagonist," not straight up villain, because he's also forgotten who he is—the chief of traditional wayfinders—and it makes him self-protective instead of remembering who he is and taking direction for the future from that.

Anyway.

In this movie, if the main point is something like "We'll never be Who We Truly Are if we disconnect from parts of ourselves" (which is what I predict it'll be) then the villainess should be someone who's compartmentalizing parts of herself. While she gets in Moana's way. Maybe she can think she's doing the right thing but actually she's compensating for some major hurt from her past. Maybe she's doing all her evil deeds to cover up a weak spot or bury it. Maybe she lost something and doesn't want to deal with the grief.

That might make her too "sympathetic" for y'all's "give us a real villain" tastes, but if it serves the story it'll be good. There are ways to make her a "despicably evil, no good villain," and still stay on theme, though. If the main idea is "We'll never be Who We Truly Are if we disconnect from parts of ourselves," she could be a goddess who gave up mortality in a Faustian deal; sold her regular life and her family or something to be ultra-powerful and immortal, because she's afraid of her weakness. Or she can't stand the thought of being viewed as "normal," she wants to be "special," so she makes all the drama and evil plots as a sadistic bid for attention—like who Maui was in the first movie, but more unhinged. After all, Jafar is a power-hungry liar because Aladdin has a tendency to lie and thinks power will solve his problems. Ursula's motivation is petty vengeance because Ariel's is love that understands. You just need a villain who does the opposite of, or shines a back-light on, the Main Idea.

But I don't think they'll do that.

I think they've forgotten what it means to make a good story and they just go for dress-up box-checking now. Thats all Wish was, and who's in their story room to help them?

I also think it's too vague and too broad a thing to have it be about "reconnecting the islands." What magical Twister do they have to play with their plot elements to explain how one island makes or breaks the unity of all islands? Or are they going to do a bait and switch—they think that setting foot on one island will solve their problems, but actually, no, they just have to do the hard work to make community happen?

I'm mostly afraid they're going to make the movie all about how you have to Be Yourself, and you can't be afraid of what others think—"just Be Yourself and find the people who like you for who you are, and don't ask you to change, and those are Your People. Thats unity!" Ick.

Or they'll go the generic, "come together and embrace what we have in common, no prejudice!" thing that like, Amphibia does, or The Land Before Time limps around.

And there'll be a bisexual, gay, or transgender allegory, if not character, in that mix. And the crew Moana has will be a mini-object-lesson in unity: Old Guy has to value Young Fresh Ideas, Ditzy Boy has to find Confidence in himself instead of hero-worshipping the Princess, like Ken from Barbie, even though the girls will do all the heavy adventuring, etc. There'll probably be a bookwormish girl character, or Moana's little sister, who will need to learn to Embrace Their Power as a Woman and throw spears and punch things and let their hair down or whatever. Those are my fears.

Sorry to be a downer. Maybe it'll be good. I will not go into the theater expecting those things; I will go in open to what the movie is trying to say. But if you ask me to guess what it might say from the trailers beforehand, those are my takes.

[ziahsh]

With love, Leo Valdez

Leo emerges from the woods having come from bunker nine. He walks around camp half blood, when he sees the Apollo kids shooting arrows hitting bull's eye, their aim perfect as always.

His eyes drift to the one Apollo kid he's been noticing from time to time, they've been a little more quiet unlike their other siblings who shone bright like the sun itself. Yet, you always seem to have a glow to you that left other campers awaiting for the budding romance.

He must have been staring too hard when they looked his way, quickly Leo looks away before briskly walking away. His face growing warm, despite his fire powers it definitely wasn't the reason why he felt warm from just eye contact.

Was it a love? No, they're friends but they haven't even spoken that much with each other. Then? It was a crush, wasn't it. Leo's face grew warm after a year of hello's and conversations at the campfire growing closer each night, he realized while walking past the archery range? Then again they really looked ethereal bathed in the sunlight like that. Okay that seemed more plausible.

Well, it wouldn't be a surprise if he did. No one would blame him! They were gorgeous, kind, and would smile at Leo whenever they cross paths, even waving to him or ask how he was and listened really intently.

Leo sighs, he wondered how he could talk to them more... He ponders before reaching a conclusion.

"Piper!"

She could help, right? She is a daughter of the goddess of love, she could help him. He turns around to walk to the Aphrodite cabin instead of his own when he bumps into someone.

"Sorry, kinda in a rush" He turns back when the person grabbed his wrist and behold it was you.

You stood there smiling at Leo, "Where are you going off to, Leo?"

He stammered not expecting you to be holding his hand so soon, his usual suave no where to be seen—not foreseeing this encounter left him more nervous than usual.

"I'm just uh on my way to the forge" He laughs nervously in a way not quiet seen on Leo most of the time.

"Huh? Oh I thought you'd be on your way to the Aphrodite cabin, since you did call Piper out loud." They chuckle remembering the silent Leo in front of them muttering quietly then suddenly calling out Piper's name like Eureka!

"Haha you're right I should probably go there too.. So.." He eyes their hand still wrapped around his wrist. Realization hits you—letting go of Leo's wrist with a sheepish grin on your face.

"heh sorry I grabbed you so suddenly" They rub the back of their neck. "I just wanted to let you know—" Their words don't reach Leo, not when he's staring at them, missing the warmth from their hand. They look so attractive in this lighting, is it because they're a child of Apollo? Was the rose tinted glasses this strong already? Holy shit they even sound good, were they saying something?

"So, you'll do it right?" You poke his side teasingly as Leo snaps out of his daze with a slight jump.

"Huh? Haha yeah totally!" Leo had no idea what they said but he would rather bury himself than admit his fumble due to the distracting way the sunlight reflects their eyes making it almost impossible to look away.

"Then, it's a date, remember to pick me up around 2pm" You smile at Leo when you're suddenly called back to the shooting range by one of their siblings.

You wave good bye to Leo, who stood there in utter shock, weakly waving back with a small awkward smile until you look away and Leo took that chance to run to the Aphrodite cabin, where Piper was chilling, unaware of his best friend's little date predicament.

In a matter of minutes, he arrives at the Aphrodite cabin. Leo knocks on the door panting and sweating buckets not from the run hardly that but the way he feels like combusting on the spot. Shit, a date he can't believe it and it wasn't him who asked. His crush asked him out.

Holy Moly—is what Hermes would've said. So, what would his dad say? Trust isn't given it's forged?

He should've listened to them instead of wondering how they still had such soft hands despite the scars littered here and there. A jarring difference with his own hardened and scarred from various fights and projects.

The door opens with Piper who looked like she just woke up from a nap and didn't wanna be bothered until three hours from now. Until she registers her best friend's face red and still had smudges of oil on his face, looking ready to combust.

"So, what's got you so flustered? Leo, you look like you'll combust I see literal sparks but anyways get in. I think I know who this is about.." She opens the door wide open, walking into the barbie pink dreamscape.

No matter how much Leo goes inside the cabin he could still get hit with the smell of perfume, it was a change from what he was used to but it smelled nice. What perfume would you use... is how his thoughts wandered.

Piper raises a brow at Leo's mumbling, "So? What happened with y/n?" She went straight to the point patting the space in front of her. Leo grabs a pillow from Piper's bed—plopping down the soft light blue covers of the Aphrodite cabin.

"I won't even ask why you know I'll just imagine it's an Aphrodite kid thing, totally not cause I'm obvious." He sighs before looking up at Piper, "Was I obvious?"

"Honestly, even someone not from the Aphrodite cabin could tell. Sure, you both weren't stuck by the hip but the way you look at them just gave it away before you even realized your crush." Piper shrugs looking at Leo who was already groaning into the pillow.

"So? What happened—"

"They asked me out but I didn't hear anything until the end." He mumbles from the pillow as Piper's eyed widened in disbelief.

"What do you mean you didn't hear?" Piper scrunches up in disbelief on how Leo fumbled getting confessed to.

Leo recalls the situation to Piper when her siblings heard and were beginning to pat Leo on the back comfortingly.

"They still asked you out. So, it's a win" A son of Aphrodite says in a way to comfort one of the seven heroes.

"Right? It's a date.." One daughter of Aphrodite chimes in

"So, we should definitely dress you up" Drew looks him up and down before going through her brother's wardrobe to look for something suitable.

Piper looks holds back a smile at the way her siblings, even Drew were helping out with Leo's love problem. About an hour of pep talk, advice and amongst other things, they made Leo take a bath then dressed him up, ready for a date.

Only ten minutes before he'll have to knock on the Apollo cabin's door asking where y/n was. He didn't regret his choice of bee lining for the Aphrodite cabin. Though, he didn't expect all the extra help from Piper's siblings.

He was glad he made some flowers out of metal for them back then as he walks to his own cabin after thanking Piper's siblings. After getting the flowers he now stood in front of the Apollo cabin fiddling with the flowers before knocking.

Instead of you, it was Will Solace with his brow raised at him before he grins and steps aside showing you looking really pretty.

"Leo! Don't mind Will. I was wondering when you'd show but I didn't think you'd be so on time" They step forward before noticing the flowers behind Leo's back.

Leo sensing their gaze on something before pulling out the flowers when realization hit on where your gaze landed on.

"Did you make this for me?" Your eyes sparkle as if the light emitting from you wasn't enough. Though, it was a first for Leo to see you so bright.

Leo nods with a sheepish grin that always seems to be on his face around you. Leo takes in a deep breathe as he speaks, "These are for you and I'm sorry if these aren't real flowers..." His initial confidence wavering until you grip his hands holding the metal flower bouquet with a huge smile on your face that made Leo feel all warm inside.

"I love it, Leo. It's really pretty and it looks so cool. I promise I'll take care of it" They take it from Leo, grateful for such a thoughtful gift.

Leo felt all warm, they love it.. He made something for them and they love it.

You lead the way as you clasp his hand, "Let's go? I already have everything planned" They lead Leo who walks beside them with a stupid grin on his face.

"... Why did you ask me on this date?"

"I like you.'' You look behind you just near the spot you had planned the picnic date near the river in the forest, noticing Leo had let go of your hand. The sight before you felt like a reward from the goddess of love herself.

There he stood with his face flushed staring at you in utter shock, his hand to his face trying to hide the warmth of his cheeks. Yet, with the way the tip of his ears turn red it was all the confirmation you needed.

"oh" He whispers in pure realization.

"Hold up! Let me process. I just realized my crush on you a few hours ago, have some mercy on me."

You laugh not in a way where you're making fun of him but in away that he looked so cute in the golden light like that. Leo sputtered, "Stop... Stop laughing!" You walk to him all light and airy seeing his reaction was all you needed

"Don't worry I'm not laughing at you. So, you like me too huh" The teasing grin on your face didn't help with Leo's embarrassment as he groans.

"Shush not the time..." He then runs off plopping on the picnic blanket with a smirk, "And I win." You may have won in terms of confessing and teasing but let him have this win.

"Hey!" Bubbling amusement wells up in you, running after him—the leaves crunch beneath you with every step you take to where Leo had already made himself comfortable.

Erhm! Very self indulgent.

[]~(￣▽￣)~*

word count: 1.7k

[bonefall]

ITS SNAKE O' CLOCK!!! yay yippee wahoo! have you decided what you're doing with him or are you just thinking abt him :O?

Rotating him in my mind for my own sanity because I got to the part in Path of Stars where they've just. Completely retconned everything about him for the sake of forcefully making everyone of value forgive Clear Sky. The only person who stays mad at Clear Sky forever actually just liked One Eye better

Even though we saw him, on screen, looking at the camera and being like, "I Do Not Like Clear Sky Because His Bad Judgement Caused Us To Be Permanently Branded By A Tyrant Like We Were A Herd Of Texas Steers."

They did him SO dirty, man!! SO SO dirty!!!!!

On that note though, I HAVE decided on a few things!

So, on the note of defectors, Snake is going to be one of the very last ones. While I absolutely adore him, I think it's very important and meaningful that he is one of his most loyal cats.

Snake is a Mountain cat, and it's looking like he is going to be part of the Claw Family.

The Claw Family consists of Fox Claw and Petal Claw to begin with. I have an inkling of an idea that Petal Claw actually leaves while pregnant-- possibly escaping someone unsavory back at home.

I feel like she doesn't really enjoy romance. She's ambitious and ferocious, and whoever her lover was, was quite controlling.

Unfortunately it's a big reason why she's so committed to Clear Sky. She has that sort of unaddressed mindset that abuse often leaves you with.

"No, I know what an awful person is because of what I went through, and I'm telling you, Clear Sky is not that. YOU'Re actually the problem."

And, in turn, Clear Sky rewards her a lot. She is one of his favorite cats, she gets a TON of benefits for her loyalty. Tyrannical, terrible two of them.

Besties (threat)

Snake Claw and Red Claw would have been the first births in the forest, but Bright Storm gave birth early because of the stress and thus Thunder Storm came first.

So Snake and Red were brought up by Petal Claw and Fox Claw, in early Sky's Clan.

Fox and Petal were ADAMANTLY loyal to Clear Sky. They remained behind in the Shadow/Sky split, hissing and spitting at those who chose to follow Tall Shadow.

I feel like Fox was actually their primary parent. They call him Uncle, but he acted a lot more like a dad. It gave Petal more time to go do bad bitch things.

When Clear Sky murders Misty, much much later, Petal is given the kittens as a reward for her loyalty. Having more kits is a point of status, and she's very happy to accept the reward.

So, the Claw family becomes "huge" in a short period of time on this evil action. Petal Claw, Fox Claw, Snake Claw, Red Claw, Alder Claw, Birch Claw.

For Snake, he's raised accepting all this as good and normal. At some point, Fox Claw is killed in some kind of frighteningly violent, unnecessary, bloodthirsty skirmish that Clear Sky aggrieves, and Snake Claw doubles down right along with Petal.

He also does a lot of the WORST things on behalf of Clear Sky. He IS going to have a body count-- though he will no longer be killing BB!Frost (now Sunlit Frost), he does bite him on the good paw during The First Battle.

This bite goes septic, after Sunlit REFUSES to sit out gravedigging, helping to bury his friends and family with an open wound. He already has nerve damage in the other arm from his severe burn.

This choice, because he wouldn't take a break when he was told to, ends up MASSIVELY disabling him. Once a master builder and inventor, he loses his dominant paw and has chronic pain in the other one. He can't build anymore after this.

After Snake Claw defects, I actually really want them to struggle with this. Snake doesn't feel like it's fair to blame him for what Sunlit did to himself, but he's also NEW to Thunder's Clan later, and there's not a lot of people on his side.

And Sunlit is a person who holds grudges... but it's also true that it's kinda not fair, since Snake Claw is trying to apologize for it.

Somehow it's unsatisfying and frustrating, knowing that Snake Claw is only apologizing because everyone wants him to. But how can you expect him to be sincere about something the BOTH of you feel is not entirely his fault?

It's like Sunlit wanted to have him to blame, but that's hard when he's not Clear Sky's Minion anymore.

In the past, I'd gone back and forth on if Red Claw or Snake Claw defected, and now I'm realizing.... por que no los dos? Por que no los TRES?

Since I've committed to adding a third group and expanding on the Forest cats, this is going to mean that Snake's younger "adopted" siblings NEED to have full arcs with this.

While one of them will remain with Clear Sky, becoming a cultural "justification" for the practice of Kitten Stealing, which will plague Clan culture for generations, I think something is fascinating in the idea that they're the ONLY Claw to remain with SkyClan.

Petal Claw and Fox Claw die in battle, "honored" for their sacrifice.

Red Claw defects for ThunderClan first, after falling for the charms of Acorn Swoop

Alder Claw likely follows later... reconnecting with Misty's mate, Milkweed, who has been fighting for MOONS for this very moment

And, lastly, Snake will follow.

(It is also bitterly funny to me that it means Milkweed loses Misty, but then ends up gaining all of Petal's biokids. Never speak to me or my daughter or my son or my son or my daughter or my daughter or my daughter-in-law ever again)

Because Snake Claw will be the very last of the Claw family to defect, I'm thinking it's after the end of BB!DOTC, and over in Thunderstar's Justice.

KEEP the fact that Snake Claw leaves because of Skystar bringing One Eye into the Clan. Even keep the fact that most of SkyClan is loyal to their tyrant-- Snake Claw has woken up to the truth, and realizes he has family elsewhere who loves and misses him.

Well.... hopefully they still do. After everything.

Snake Claw should have a ton of fights with Red Claw and Alder Claw, I think, before the First Battle. Have them all be covered in scars

Because the whole family defects, it's easy for it to become a sensational story about Nepotism/Scabforming. Other Clans probably don't hold Snake, Red, and Alder in high esteem in their myths-- but until Darkstar's Commandment which bans Kitten Stealing, Birch Claw was easily the most venerated.

Aaaand that's it so far! I know for a fact now that Snake Claw is going to be a member of the Claw family, and that he is going to be a MAJOR antagonist through BB!DOTC. In Thunderstar's Justice, he's going to join his living family after finally being able to realize that Skystar is not worth following.

I want to keep that he is a villain for most of the story, because that's what I like best about the way he turns on Clear Sky from canon. He was everything Skystar ever wanted, he did every awful command, the blood is already dried under his claws forever and he was rewarded only with a permanent scarring.

Then, told it's "MY way or the HIGH way," he chooses the high way.

[honeybunniii333]

(SORRY I'VE BEEN DEAD! Also i just realized I never see content for Dez and Ed. Like they have a sibling like relationship (even tho they're cousins), and they're supposedly really close in Canon! But I never saw anything for them, and I decided that needed to be fixed. SO! Here ya go!)

Again, her dad was in the hospital again. It had gotten to where he was there more than home, and that was scary and awful in its own right. But now, because of the sudden dip in his health. He can't take her to their yearly concert! They've gone to one every year since she was four, and it was her favorite part of the summer. They'd already bought their tickets and everything... and then he started getting sick again. Bad enough to land him in the hospital two days before they were supposed to leave... Dez was angry, to say the least. NOT at her dad. She knew better than anyone that the last thing the man ever wanted was to break his little girl's heart. She was mad at life for making this happen. Mad at the cancer for making her poor dad so sick and weak. He didn't deserve this. She felt so lost, so out of control. She didn't know what to do, she had to do something. She was SO tired of feeling powerless. She didn't even think about it as she grabbed the scissors from the counter.

Horror, she felt true horror as she looked in the mirror. Her hair, her pretty hair, was all over the floor and the sink. Oh god, what had she done... her knees buckled, and she sank to the ground, scissors long abandoned on the counter as she cried and wiped at her face. Her eyes were sore, and her throat was raw. She wanted her dad, but he was not there. And someday, probably soon, he'd never be there again, and that thought just made her cry harder. Dez was an independent person generally. She didn't like being genuinely reliant on anyone, but right now, she'd throw her pride aside for some comfort. Her head shot up at the sound of the almost totally open door, creaking the rest of the way open and a startled gasp following it. Someone stood in the doorway, eyes wide, and God did that make her crumble even further. But this time, there were arms wrapping around her, pulling her close and nails, raking through what remained of her hair. She buried her face into their chest and just let herself cry. She cried and cried until she couldn't seem to muster any more tears.

"Dez..." Ed's quiet response came after a moment or two of prolonged silence. "Desiree, talk to me." he insisted when he got nothing but a sniffle in response, pulling her back by the shoulders to get a good look at her. He frowned a bit and brushed some hair off of her cheek. "I..." She choked out. "Oh god, what did I do... my hair..." She sniffled, trying not to cry again. "Hey, hey..." he hushed "Cmon tell me what's up." he reminded as he pulled her with him to rest against the sink cabnit. Still supporting her with an arm around the shoulder. "I... Dad is sick again." She whispered, and he seemed to understand almost immediately. "Yeah..he is..." he nodded solemly.

"I miss him.." She added, closing her eyes and resting against the strong weight beside her. "I know ya do... he misses ya, too." he reminded, and she couldn't help but smile sadly at that. "He's not coming home anytime soon... and this week was.. supposed to be our concert week." She struggled to get her words out with that feeling bubbling up in her throat again. The feeling that everything was falling apart, Edward just squeezed her shoulder in response. "Yeah Tiá was talking about that earlier this week... you guys go every year..."

"Yeah... and now we can't... " she choked harshly but pushed on. "I know it's dumb. I know he can't help it. It's not that big a deal it just.. it kinda made me realize that there's a good chance that we won't get to do a lot of stuff together, and I don't know... I just cracked, and now my hair is a mess, and I'm a mess.. everything's a mess..." She wiped at her eyes furiously as she spoke. "That's alright." He seemed to have decided. "It's okay to be a little bit of a mess sometimes..." And Dez briefly caught herself thinking about how Ed should probably take that sentiment to heart as well. "And I wouldn't say your hair is a mess..." he laughed a little, moving a bit to get a better look. "it's a bit choppy, yeah... but I don't think it looks bad on ya!" she seemed rather skeptical as she glanced up at the older boy. "Really?"

"Yeah! Just needs a bit of touch up, here..." he insisted, pulling her up and directing her to the mirror as he grabbed the scissors that had been discarded on the counter and immediately started cutting away. "Hey!" she tensed a bit, "Just trust me, Dez." he sighed with a roll of his eyes, and soon he set them back down. "See..?" she was a bit scared to look up at first but slowly she opened her eyes (which she hadn't really registered squeezing shut until now) and... he was right... it wasn't awful. "It'll take a little gettin used to, it is a big change." he hummed, fluffing her hair up a bit to check the length. "But I think you might end up liking it... and if you don't... it's just hair. It'll grow back."

She wasn't sure how to feel, standing there with a boy she'd for some reason expected to be mean when first meeting him.. it was a funny thought now. She stood there studying his work, his hands resting comfortingly on her shoulder... She didn't know how to feel, but another gentle squeeze cleared her mind. "Hey..." his voice was soft. "It'll be okay... I know it doesn't feel like it right now... everything's a bit hectic, and it's hard to see it, but... You'll be okay." And somehow, when Edward said it, it sounded a lot more believable. She couldn't help but feel better with the reminder that even when her Dad was gone. Ed would still be there... he was always there... whether she wanted or not... "Hey Eddie?" She whispered after another long pause. Ed had already gotten to cleaning up the mess she'd made. He seemed to do that a lot... "Yeah?" He hummed, not looking up from his task of sweeping up hair. "Would you wanna go to a concert this weekend?" He seemed a bit confused for a moment, but the confusion was short-lived, and he seemed to understand. He smiled fondly to himself and nodded.

"Yeah, I would."

Dez had a feeling that she'd be okay...

[i-already-know-im-going-2-hell]

hiiii cass it's ciel :) all right, i have to admit i personally don't headcanon sam as transfem, but in the spirit of wincest wednesday i want to participate lol. i like the idea of a very east of eden-like confrontation early in sam's life, where (s)he asks john how to become a girl and he tells him that he's a boy, and boys can't become girls. it's something sam internalizes for a long time because what dad says is absolute and dad always knows everything. none of them have any access to anything different; they're cut off from the world and in those days queerness is still shoved out of the public eye anyway—so without information to tell him otherwise sam grows up as a boy and eventually stops questioning it, shoving it deep down and ignoring the little niggling in his brain that tries to remind him something isn't right.

it's not until stanford that those questions unbury themselves. now we're in the new millennium, the world is changing rapidly, and for the first time in his life, sam is part of a society. and in this society he finds people of all sorts. maybe one of his classmates works as a drag queen on the weekends; maybe he sneaks into one of the shows. it would leave an impression and spark questions, but sam has gone his whole life shoving those questions down, and so he finds a pretty girl and plans to make her his wife. his goal here was normal, and so he'll be normal.

and then those questions are stifled again until dean picks him up again, and all hopes of normal fly right out the window. suddenly there's no goal but revenge, and when they've got their revenge he has nothing left but dean. normal is just a distant memory—and without normal, without dad, there's no dirt left to bury sam's questions.

so maybe his eyes linger a little too long on a few plain-looking girls at the bars they visit. and dean will nudge his arm and raise his eyebrows, goading him on, but sam never acts on it because that's not what he wants. he can't figure out exactly what he does want, but it's definitely not sex.

when they're at a gas station one day, sam finds a hair scrunchie forgotten on the ground, a cute polka-dotted pattern on it. and even though it's stained with grime and oil, he picks it up and shoves it in his pocket before dean can see. and he doesn't know why, but it feels important somehow. he takes it out later and just stares at it before shoving it into the deep recesses of his duffel bag.

when sam saves dean's ass during a hunt, he tells him: "that's my boy." and though sam doesn't work any less quickly, his hands fumble on the ropes and he frowns, and dean picks up on something there. sam doesn't talk about it and dean doesn't ask. there's a gravity in that frown.

and then one night when they're in between hunts, when things are quiet, when they're not fighting for once, sam asks dean to braid his hair. he can't, or won't, articulate why he wants this, but dean agrees anyway. it's not like he's never done it before, but this feels different, somehow, like he can't mess this up. so sam sits between dean's legs and lets dean run his fingers through his hair, and sam takes a deep breath and relaxes into it and pretends—what is it he pretends? he hasn't figured it out, not yet. he wears the braid as long as he can, until the hair pulls out and gets knotted and ratty and he has to take a shower. dean makes fun of him for it and sam rolls his eyes, and they keep looking for new hunts.

it's not until they've had sex on four different occasions that sam, between breathless kisses down dean's neck, finally asks if dean will call him a girl. dean doesn't think much of anything of it, and that's exactly what sam was banking on. the night is filled with good girl and pretty girl and sweet girl and all sorts of embarrassing monikers, but despite how cringe dean is with his performances sam revels in it, and something that had been long-buried finally surfaces and clicks in his—her—mind.

but she keeps it to the bedroom (and the impala, and the gas station bathroom, and the graveyard on one memorable occasion) for the longest time because she doesn't know how to approach the topic, doesn't know how dean will react, doesn't know if this is even something she's allowed to have. boys can't be girls, dad had said all those years ago, and maybe he was right about that. girl is something so foreign to sam anyway, and she doesn't really know the first thing about them. except that, maybe, she wants to defy her father one last time.

(when she finally tells dean, he blames himself thinking it was their fucked-up dirty talk that got his little brother all confused. and sam reassures him that no, that's not how it works, and dean doesn't quite believe her, and sam takes advantage of that chink in his armor to weasel her—her—way back into dean's heart. and the first time he calls sam his sister, she feels something right, for the first time in her life.)

Oh my god Ciel I'm platonically giving you so many forehead kisses!!!!!

Okok so, I agree, I think honestly based on the canon representation of Sam, I think (she)he just wouldn't really have access to the idea much, and it would just shuffle in with the rest of the "I'm different/wrong/not right" that he would have for his whole life.

I think honestly Sam could go about her whole life without it really sticking what this different/not right/wrong feeling was, and keeps it shoved down or just accepts that it's always gonna be there amid the other different/wrong/not rights, and I think following canon as closely as possible, it always was that way.

Sam settled into the hunting life, he settled into his existence with Dean, and he settled into the not right feeling as just a part of existence, and he(she) never fully figured it out.

But I adore the idea that she did figure it out!!!!! And that Dean was there to help her, in his own honestly bumbling ways!!!!!!

And Dean braiding her haaaaiiiiiiiir (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠) I love it, so much

[carefulfears]

ohhhh you should talk about the crazy family unit. hank karen becca mia and ... bill? (i cannot remember that man's name lol) or just mia & karen 🥹 whatever you feel ahaha

not you can’t remember the human dial-tone’s name 😭😭😭😭 he’s so absent in that family that he’s defined by it…what stands out to me about bill though is his status as A Father, to the point that we don't see him until he's Mia's Dad. he isn't in the pilot. and hank doesn't know (for plot?? reasons?? i guess??) that he has kids until the pilot, when karen says that becca is out with bill's daughter. even though they've lived with bill and mia for months (a year?) at that point.

by the time the audience sees bill for the first time, he's not just karen's boring "captain fantastic" fiancé- he's mia's dad. and his first scene on the show is annoying hank with parenting advice and trying to relate to him over having daughters.

so in a way, as much as the show wants to portray bill as the anti-hank (and as much as karen wants to latch onto that), they are characterized extremely similarly in a narrative sense...they both exist only in their relationship to the same 3 characters: karen, becca, and mia.

(i'm reminded of duchovny saying on a podcast that the world of californication was run by women)

and they both exist within this family in this odd awkward dynamic, where these kids need to be parented and neither of them are as present as they want to be.

what fascinates me about the relationship between hank and bill is that these are two men who see each other as rivals and who hate each other, but who are ultimately both just fathers and do have to be open to and rely on each other at times...and watch each other interact with and influence their girls…moments like when bill calls becca "honey" at dinner and everyone winces and looks at hank. bill going over to hank's apartment to ask him to please speak at mia's school, because he has to go out of town and can't do it. mia telling becca that it's only fun when she's around to "conspire against the parental units." they have this inevitable presence around each other's children. (hank having passed out at the house, coming down the stairs in bill's borrowed clothes, mia handing him the paper)

and when bill leaves town after the wedding, he leaves his daughter in LA to be effectively parented by karen and hank. and yea that's bonkers crazy and we could talk for days about how dangerously negligent and ridiculous the human dial-tone is but that's what happened

they're regularly going over to the house to check on her, having her over at their family dinners, inviting her to their parties, convening with each other about her behaviors and safety, taking responsibility for the people who interact with her, looking in on her at school

and they're...more attentive and involved than bill was. (look at my parental figures dawg i'm gonna throw myself off a hotel balcony)

and mia eats it up!! she microdoses having a grown-up give af about her!! same girl who told karen that her dad doesn't care about her whereabouts before going out to meet a "significantly older" guy at a bar. she starts going to her teacher's nasty apartment to do coke only after hank tells her to be careful around that guy. she starts a sexual relationship with lew ashby, watches hank and karen lose their shit over it, then tells hank she was just "yanking his chain." in the first vlog she alludes to calling hank and telling him she's in trouble "just fucking with him."

and she did nothing wrong <3

as far as the relationship between karen and mia goes you honestly need another post to unpack All That….it’s hard to mother a dead woman’s baby. then watch her stand up at your wedding and beg her father not to do it. to sit in a courtroom years later and listen to her tearfully explain her anger towards you, how much grief her father was “burying.”

but she did mother her and that’s so difficult, even painful, for everyone...like my post on becca and mia and how kind of tragic it is, the way that they were "sisters" but only for a little while. like searching for protection and comfort in a man who will stand trial for harming you.

there are a few really enduring and reliable constants that this show rests on, and mia just isn't one of them. her family, her stability, her well-being, her home and individuality. it's all kind of fraught and wildly fluctuating. but for a little while, people tried.

[ashtonisvibing]

watching i saw the tv glow i didn't actually get it, not the way i should have. i had to watch a review afterward to remember that it was a trans metaphor for burying that part of your identity down to the point that it's slowly killing you. being my type of autistic means taking things literally at face value means not being able to read the underlying analogies and metaphors. even more so with being a trans guy who was able to discover and explore his identity - at least around others irl - that was comfortable. i'm in a space that i knew i was okay to come out in.

so any other way i took this movie is certainly wrong, because it wasn't intended.

but thinking about it in a way my literal mind can, i can't help but relate to it not in a "there's still time to be yourself" way, but in a "there's still time to do something with yourself" way. not feeling trapped in your identity that you don't want to face, but being trapped in the same cycle of waking up, going about your day, going to sleep over and over. nothing ever changing, at least not meaningfully. needing to be free of the mundane sameness but being unable to because society says no.

and getting lost in the past. where things were the same, sure, but it kind of had to be. you kind of had to be in that cycle of wake up, school, sleep. so you get used to it. and the small things make you happy. talking to the same friends, having the same thing for lunch. any changes felt amazing, but everything else didn't feel any less happy because of that. mostly because those changes - a field trip, a cancelled school day - weren't really of any big merit.

and then you snap back to reality and realize you're still in a cycle but it's so much worse. maybe it's a cycle of wake up, job, sleep. maybe it's wake up, rot in bed, sleep because you haven't even gotten to that point everyone else has. but either way it's boring and you need a change but that change is so terrifying to make.

so you don't. you never do.

i think i took the wrong thing away from this movie.

i sat in my bed for an hour doing nothing once the movie was over. hoping that the realization of "oh now i get the trans allegory!" would show up. and it didn't. even after watching the review i felt worse for not getting it.

but then i sat for a while more and kinda did start to get it. in the way i've mentioned. of feeling stuck in the same place, and even when change is literally telling you to come along you run from it.

and i think that made me break from reality a little. cuz my dad asked me to check for a package, and walking up the stairs from our apartment to our mailbox didn't feel real. opening the mailbox to check didn't feel real. walking outside in the rain with my hood up, going to the lobby, and grabbing a package for my dad didn't. feel. real. it felt like everything was moving like it was all ai in a video game. and video games never change once they've been made.

when i walked outside again i had to pull my hood down and feel the rain on my face to remind myself that i am real. that everything around me is real. the feeling hasn't fully gone away. i can still feel a panic attack from it claw at my throat wanting to get out. but it helps to write all of this out.

i understand the trans metaphor in this movie. i know what it was going for. there's still time to be who you truly are. but i accidentally took it a different way and got different intense feelings than others.

there's still time to break the monotonous cycle, there's still time for a change.

i hope the director wouldn't be upset by that.

[sapphire-weapon]

i enjoy meta analysis of RE4make but even though a big part of the fun in shipping leon x ashley is extrapolating from all the little details in the game, sometimes i wonder what is it about them exactly that makes me go insane and the answer really just boils down to: royal/knight dynamic, fighting through hell to get back to you, blurring the line between duty and love

It's because their relationship doesn't end when the game does. The dynamic that they have in canon will actually carry over into their everyday lives when they're home, but... they're home now. It's different now. Their relationship is Not Normal, and they both know it even if they'd never acknowledge it out loud -- even to each other. And they have to find some way to live with themselves and also each other within the confines of mundane reality after escaping from a waking nightmare together.

It's the possibilities that pop up around that kind of conflict.

It's them at the same government function and locking eyes with each other from across the room until they can't bear to keep it up anymore. Ashley nervously draws her gaze down and to the side to look at nothing. Leon puts his hands in his pockets and quietly clears his throat, trying to tell himself that the anxious fluttering rising up from the center of his chest isn't there.

It's the way they still try to pass their tiny touches back and forth -- because they both feel the need to be in physical contact with each other for reassurance -- but they both know without saying aloud that they have to be much more subtle and natural about it in order to not raise eyebrows.

It's Leon sitting nervous whenever he's alone in the room with the President, because he's terrified he's been too obvious about even the quiet, subtle affections he's given Ashley since they've been home. He's sure he's going to get the "stay away from my daughter" talk any day now -- despite the fact that even those little affections have been infrequent and wholly innocent -- but it never comes.

It's the way that Leon has to physically choke back the urge to put himself between Ashley and anyone who gets too close to her. That's not his job -- and, in fact, it was an offer he knows he consciously turned down -- but it's an automatic impulse that he never fully trains himself out of.

It's Ashley making sure that she doesn't ask her dad about Leon too often as to be suspicious or annoying -- which equates to her doing it almost never, even though the desire to is always at the forefront at her mind, and not a day goes by that she doesn't think about him.

It's the way they just ignore the growing tension between them from their forced distance apart. It goes on for days, then weeks, then months -- until they can't ignore it anymore. They're not sure who kissed who first, but Leon has both hands buried in her hair, and she has one hand curled into the lapel of his suit jacket and another hooked around the knot of his tie, pulling him ever closer. Before long, he has her back pressed against the wall and her skirt hiked up just far enough to tuck the tips of his fingers beneath the hem of her panties. She can't get the buttons of his shirt open fast enough before pushing the fabric around his shoulders and down the length of his arms. Leon knows that he should stop this -- that this is wrong -- but Ashley's hands on his bare skin has him feeling normal for the first time in almost seven years, and he can't stop kissing her like the cure for his nightmares is written somewhere on the surface of her tongue.

It's Ashley on her back and running her fingers through Leon's sweat-damp hair as he hovers over her, eyes closed and head bowed as he tries to catch his breath and recover in the afterglow. Drops of sweat fall from his brow and the tip of his nose onto her bare chest and neck, and she lets them lay where they land. He's beautiful from this angle, and she so desperately wants to allow the words "I love you" tumble from her lips, but she holds back out of fear that, if she said aloud the truth they've refused to speak for so long, he'd put a stop to their now-repeated yet still infrequent midnight trysts. He kisses her slowly -- gratefully -- as he takes hold of one of her hands and weaves his fingers between hers. Her heart aches. Even though she has him for this moment, she still can't call him hers.

At least

I mean

That's what does it for me about the ship idk about you LMAO

[starlightshadowsworld]

The truly heart breaking part of the Casey raised by Shredder AU.

Is that history repeats itself in Raph and Casey.

Raph has vouched for Casey since the beginning.

To Raph their is no distinction between his brothers and Casey.

Because Casey is his brother too.

They are family.

Even when the reveal of Casey's true parentage comes to light.

Raph still vouches for him.

He's hurt, he wishes Casey could have told him but he gets why.

He even jokes like what does make us cousins?

Casey revealed himself to protect him.

To protect Raph and the others.

He knew they could turn on him and he did so anyway because Casey would rather they lived to hate him than die loving him.

And that means so much to Raph.

Casey could have died for them.

Multiple times.

He has fought with them.

He has laughed with them and he has been their friend, their brother and fellow warrior.

Raph knows that what they have is real.

He has never questioned it.

... And than Leo gets hurt....

Super Shredder is here and Leo almost dies.

Splinter is dead.

Casey reaches out to help.

And Raph slaps his hand away like he's been burned.

For the first time Raph questions if Casey ever was his friend.

He's hurt, he's traumatised, he's terrified and angry.

He's so so afraid and it comes out in rage.

Raph can't fight the Shredder so he takes it all out on his son.

And... Casey doesn't fight back.

If anything that makes Raph angrier.

Raph yells, he screams.

Casey cries and pleads.

Both of their fathers are on the ground and yet its like they've turned back time and are standing here.

And just like than, something breaks between the son of Splinter and the son of Saki.

Raph turns away from Casey and he doesn't look back.

He picks up his brothers and he gets in April's dad's van.

He doesn't even notice that April won't even look at him.

It doesn't register in him till months later when Leo's awake and asks where Casey is.... That his family is missing more than one person.

And he thinks good riddance, this is his fault anyway.

Doesn't even know who he is.

Raph ignores the way his heart sinks, the tears in his eyes and the picture by his bed of them both smiling.

... He lost more than one brother that night and he doesn't think he can get him back.

And Casey... Casey is all alone, running a clan he was never meant to lead. Trying to cure his father and sister.

Buried Splinter alone.

Trying to fix Irma who was destroyed.

The only friend he has is April and she had to go keep the others safe.

The Krang turned on them, the city is over run with mutants.

But their safe... And isn't that all he wanted?

"Raph please!"

"It's Raphael!... Only my family calls me Raph."

"I am your family, please I never meant for any of this to happen. You have to trust me!"

"Trust you?! My dad is dead because of you! My brother might die! And if he does it'll be all your fault Jones! Oh wait that's not even your real name is it?"

"Raph...Raphael please, this was all an accident, a mistake. My dad he wasn't, he wouldn't... The Krang they did this!"

"No you know what was a mistake, me ever thinking we were friends."

"Raph-"

Steps closer and gets a sai at his neck

"... You come near me or my family again and I'll end you."

Casey is all alone.

And if you ask him, he deserves it.

[agonycrossbow]

Eagleone is so compelling because their relationship doesn't end when the game does. The dynamic that they have in canon will actually carry over into their everyday lives when they're home, but... they're home now. It's different now. Their relationship is Not Normal, and they both know it even if they'd never acknowledge it out loud -- even to each other. And they have to find some way to live with themselves and also each other within the confines of mundane reality after escaping from a waking nightmare together.

It's the possibilities that pop up around that kind of conflict.

It's them at the same government function and locking eyes with each other from across the room until they can't bear to keep it up anymore. Ashley nervously draws her gaze down and to the side to look at nothing. Leon puts his hands in his pockets and quietly clears his throat, trying to tell himself that the anxious fluttering rising up from the center of his chest isn't there.

It's the way they still try to pass their tiny touches back and forth -- because they both feel the need to be in physical contact with each other for reassurance -- but they both know without saying aloud that they have to be much more subtle and natural about it in order to not raise eyebrows.

It's Leon sitting nervous whenever he's alone in the room with the President, because he's terrified he's been too obvious about even the quiet, subtle affections he's given Ashley since they've been home. He's sure he's going to get the "stay away from my daughter" talk any day now -- despite the fact that even those little affections have been infrequent and wholly innocent -- but it never comes.

It's the way that Leon has to physically choke back the urge to put himself between Ashley and anyone who gets too close to her. That's not his job -- and, in fact, it was an offer he knows he consciously turned down -- but it's an automatic impulse that he never fully trains himself out of.

It's Ashley making sure that she doesn't ask her dad about Leon too often as to be suspicious or annoying -- which equates to her doing it almost never, even though the desire to is always at the forefront at her mind, and not a day goes by that she doesn't think about him.

It's the way they just ignore the growing tension between them from their forced distance apart. It goes on for days, then weeks, then months -- until they can't ignore it anymore. They're not sure who kissed who first, but Leon has both hands buried in her hair, and she has one hand curled into the lapel of his suit jacket and another hooked around the knot of his tie, pulling him ever closer. Before long, he has her back pressed against the wall and her skirt hiked up just far enough to tuck the tips of his fingers beneath the hem of her panties. She can't get the buttons of his shirt open fast enough before pushing the fabric around his shoulders and down the length of his arms. Leon knows that he should stop this -- that this is wrong -- but Ashley's hands on his bare skin has him feeling normal for the first time in almost seven years, and he can't stop kissing her like the cure for his nightmares is written somewhere on the surface of her tongue.

It's Ashley on her back and running her fingers through Leon's sweat-damp hair as he hovers over her, eyes closed and head bowed as he tries to catch his breath and recover in the afterglow. Drops of sweat fall from his brow and the tip of his nose onto her bare chest and neck, and she lets them lay where they land. He's beautiful from this angle, and she so desperately wants to allow the words "I love you" tumble from her lips, but she holds back out of fear that, if she said aloud the truth they've refused to speak for so long, he'd put a stop to their now-repeated yet still infrequent midnight trysts. He kisses her slowly -- gratefully -- as he takes hold of one of her hands and weaves his fingers between hers. Her heart aches. Even though she has him for this moment, she still can't call him hers.

At least

I mean

That's what does it for me about the ship idk about you LMAO

[isca-rambles]

4x21 Oh no, it's the 'casually break Lucy's heart' episode with the fake proposal. Or maybe it's the 'Lucy starts to realise these weird feelings might actually mean something' episode. In any case, I'm ready to have my heart broken watching Lucy be mildly in pain.

Chris, stop pushing. Jesus. It's not crazy, Nolan, but you're really not amazing at it from what I've seen of S5/S6. Soooo...ya know. Fuck that bloody golden ticket, honestly. But I'll save that for that episode.

Oh Lucy honey. It's a good thing Tim is just as oblivious to your feelings as you are, because you are being so fucking obvious today.

Patrice is such a sweetheart. Seriously. They initially gave off the impression she'd be this horrific set-up entitled monster but she's just adorable and so sweet. Definitely in the running for unofficial Mid-Wilshire mum/grandma. Can we please get Lucy some better parents? I mean Grey is unofficially her new dad but still, she needs more time with him for it to matter. Patrice and Luna can co-share mum duties.

Angela's cop eyes working overtime when it comes to Chenford moments.

Oh god Lucy, this hurts so much. She isn't completely sure why this is bothering her so much, I mean aside from the fact that Tim and Ashley really aren't suited for each other, but she just knows it's hurting. Patrice using Jackson's full name. My heaaart. Grey, yes, protect those ponies! Good man. Wesley you utter sweetpea. Another sunshine human being right here. And aww, Nyla's ex-MIL is a sweetie. Ugh why Tim. Whyyy. Not only because you damn well know you want marriage and kids. Lucy's poor heart. They're both just settling for something safe and stable because they've got all these other feelings they can't understand. I hope Angela got a good curse for her.

4x22 hehehehe. here we goooo. Dad!Tim and Mum!Lucy are the most adorable idiots.

I've seen this episode many times before so I probably won't be commenting too much about this one. Mostly it's just white noise of me giggling. Lucy, Angela, and Nyla are just precious together. More. Now. God that pillow under Dim's t-shirt. Y'all could've done anything else.

Grey and Angela sharing knowing grins, and also just how adorable excited Lucy is. I can't.

Nell and Ellroy are the most precious angels. Their wedding next, right? Another Chenford dance, right? Right?! Lucy keeping her man safe, of course.

So many candles. Aaaaahhhh. Legally now I have to replay this scene about 50 times. Look at her torturing him and making him say the words. God, look at these awkward oblivious idiots. Mel's Canadian accent slipping through with those sorrys.

Uuuugh and how easily they both sink into this kiss. Like barely a split second and his hands are on her and he's chasing that kiss even further. Tamara I love you but you couldn't have given us a few more seconds?

Lucy pointing at Tim 'this is work'. Damn right he is, honey. And he will continue to be work but it'll be worth it in the end or so help me god. 'I don't have anything' you fucking awkward dork. And the 'good work' and her face oh my god these two. Aww Tim. Having to do some processing of those feelings you can't understand that you tried to keep buried, huh buddy?

COWARD

Aww, I did like Nyla as a TO. Poor Grey having to cling onto his TOs like gold dust.

[sincelastsession]

Justin told me his std and sti results were back. I didn't really enjoy waking up to this information. He seems overly eager to have sex. It's making it harder for me to be comfortable.

I wish I could share the entire exchange I had with Matt today. He was sick but he's a bit better, going to work and acting silly.

I called Travis after seeing the "I don't have stds" text I got this morning. His boss is mad he was on the phone. We usually chat every day. I'm hoping I didn't get him in trouble.

I need to do so much today but I feel frozen up. I miss taking my Adderall. I think it's fucking bullshit that the medical board that isn't even compromised of decent doctors or all psychiatrists would scare my psychiatrist so bad that he can't prescribe what works for me for anxiety, pain, and severe adhd. I have some left over I could try but it seems absolutely pointless. I get so much relief from it mentally. I'm a completely different person and it makes me want to cry trying to communicate without it. I'm aware that xanax Adderall and weed looks and sounds like a terrible cocktail but it worked and I was functioning well. It sucks (can't think of a stronger word) that ppl like those on the medical board can't hear out a patient. I was very responsible and methodical on how I took everything. I've never had issues on that combo. I'm really mad that I have to suffer because some doctors are ignorant and I'm mad at those that abuse these meds (I know addiction is a disease and I don't hate them for that) but it is frustrating for ppl that actually need it. I miss my old psychiatrist. He would have fought the medical board for me.

I'm still frozen up in bed. I need to eat, do laundry, bathe, and get to bed on time.

My Netflix is broken and I'm sad. I'd have to contact my Dad and have him fix it. I could leave and let him come fix the problem but he will go through my things and look at my bank account and possibly take any pain meds he can find. He thinks it's ok to act like this. He's getting around 200 a week on unemployment my mom said.

I think I'm supposed to feel bad for him, that this is a guilt trip. His choices previously have been bad. I bought him a vegetarian cookbook, the exact one his doctor told him to get. It was 50bucks. He never read it. He fried fish the next week. 3 out of 5 of his heart stints are clogged now.

No one has setup anything for me to know what to do if they pass. I have requested this many times. I want to know clear answers on what goes to who and how he wants to be buried etc. But there's nothing I'm aware of set in stone.

He also wants to put a lean on my mom's house so she can't force sell the house after he dies. I haven't told her. I feel terrible knowing this information that I didn't need to know. He had me convinced she was evil. She had me convinced he was bad as well. I don't understand how these people are my parents.

My sister thinks she owns the house because she's been cleaning the hoarder mess but also been stealing and throwing things of mine away. My dad just gives away mine and my mom's things to her. It's fucked up. It's not just one incident. They don't have a proper understanding of boundaries. It feels violating. They don't care how I feel. If they did they'd apologize for hurting me and stop acting that way.

I hope my sister's fiance takes her with him everywhere. I don't want to hear about the drama of it falling apart like it's likely to do. They definitely aren't ready or equipped for marriage. They've both definitely cheated on one another by now is my guess.

My dad is basically grooming my sister to be how he wants. Emotional incest insanity. He did the same shit to me.

I mean pretty much I don't feel like my own person. I guess a goal would be to develop that and help me be able to see it.

I'd also like to try and accept that as I am fat and not losing weight currently due to metabolic issues that I'm gonna have to suck it up.

I feel pretty behind my peers in some aspects but I also know how to do various things and think differently than they do.

How does someone like me find my feminity? How do I get the libido back? Trying to get off by myself isn't even enjoyable anymore.

Yet I have a clean tested man that I'm not being very nice to willing to do everything to fix that in whatever way I desire.

I don't understand the magnetic effect I have on ppl but ppl have told me I am like that.

I feel like a very tired alien.

[weiwithwords]

Family, friends, and other things

Part of what makes growing up in an abusive home hard is the difficulty of assigning blame. On one hand, my parents (especially my dad) deserve enormous blame for the harm they caused. I have a small, dark part of me that wants to absolutely shred them for it.

This part of me sees itself as a great arbiter of justice. It likes to imagine itself privy to all the context and nuance necessary to justify the evisceration of two failed souls (which it would do in the greatest blog post ever written), and it would eviscerate them with all the flair and grace and subtlety the task demands.

This part of me is dead wrong, and I constantly fight to kill it. Justice is not evisceration. Justice is compassion, forgiveness, mercy. Justice is stepping back to look at the vast gulf between myself and my parents -- the generational gap, the cultural programming, the historical inequality -- and realizing just how little choice they had. The suffering contained in each of their childhoods would bury mine in a landslide, with a little dirt left over for the laundry. I have enormous admiration for both of their stories, and their quartet of well-adjusted children speaks volumes about the strength of their characters.

But this landslide leaves me at an impasse. Experiencing harm does not justify inflicting it on others. And while I want, desperately, to forgive them for all they've done, I can never bring myself to do it. Even imagining myself doing it dredges up a sense of disgust from that same dark part of me I'm trying to kill. I know I should do this thing, but I can't. The result is a confused, festering bitterness.

This situation is made even more frustrating (in the same way getting annoyed by a totally irrelevant thing that shouldn't bother you makes the situation even more frustrating) when considered in context. I live, by any metric, a fantastic life. Just yesterday, I was reflecting on how I spent every minute of the day doing things drenched with meaning, every one of which I loved and wouldn't have traded for anything else. These kinds of days are not at all rare for me, and I am painfully aware of just how few people share such privilege.

So here I am, living a phenomenal life. The abuses of my past wither in the light of my present joys. I've won. I've tangibly transcended every ugly word and angry beating my parents inflicted on me.

And yet they fester nonetheless. My default state of being is so good that it's jarring whenever the bitterness creeps in. For the most part, I succeed in quashing it, but I never know when it'll next come crawling.

Here's another unfortunate thing that occasionally creeps in unless I resist: Sometimes I feel like I like my friends too much. See, my only family here is my mom and dad. I don't talk to them much. I don't talk to my siblings much, either. As relationships go, my friends are all I really have. And that's a scary thing.*

*One of my worst fears: dying suddenly one day, and my friends finding out only long after I'm gone.

Friendships function best when everyone feels equal. I usually feel equal to my friends, but a noticeable exception occurs whenever I hear stories about their wonderful families and strong support systems. It produces a soup of mild jealousy, awkwardness, and inability to relate.

It's just a soup because the main course is what's actually important. See, I actually can't get enough of these stories. I can't get enough of any story where my friends succeed and flourish. They are my favorite stories in the world, in part because they're true. The main course is delicious, but I still have to have sip that soup.

All of this makes me feel silly. There is no shame in loving your friends too much. If anything, I would prefer to love them more. And they really are better then family, because on closer inspection, the human devotion to family is a strange, evolutionary house of cards.

Family relationships are totally arbitrary. Whether you get unlucky and have horrible family members, or get lucky and have the best family in the world, you didn't do anything to deserve either. Why should you care about random people in my life you had no say in?

Contrast this with the incredibly empowering ability to choose your friends, and be chosen by them -- not just once, but continuously, in ways that grow and deepen. The relentless agency inherent to friendships makes them so much more fulfilling.

Yet the beauty of family is incredible. When my family traveled back to China after a full ten years of absence, I still remember the vivid expressions of my uncles and aunts and cousins jumping up and down in the airport, waving their hands up, crying from eager anticipation. They'd never seen some of us before.

There were hundreds of people I was connected to by blood who invited us in for tea without a second thought, a community I didn't even know I was a part of even while I was apart from them. It was a sort of unconditional love everyone should have access to.

I often tell people that trip was when I first started to understand what "family" could really mean. I'm still trying to untangle the full meaning.

There's this oft-misinterpreted Bible quote: "Blood is thicker than water". A lot of people think it means family (i.e. blood) relationships should supersede all other relationships; i.e. can't be washed away by water. But the full quote actually has the opposite meaning: "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." The promises and bonds -- the blood covenants -- we form with our friends can supersede our family, water-of-the-womb relations.

I like both readings of the quote. Both can be true. Both family and friendships are incredibly powerful and meaningful for different reasons. And I've had more access to one than the other, and I feel simultaneously blessed and cursed by that.

----------

This post was brutally hard to write. For the most part, I don't like telling people about this stuff. I don't like seeing the naked pity writ large on their expressions, nor do I like hearing the hushed condolences that quickly follow. I don't see myself as a hero or a victim, so I don't want other people to see me as a hero or a victim, either. I don't want to be praised, and I definitely don't want to be pitied. I want to be judged on who I am now, not what happened to me a long time ago. But after you read something like this, your opinion of its author changes. I wouldn't write it otherwise.

So how do I want your opinion to change? I'm going to answer that question in two words: It's complicated.

That answer might initially seem like a cop-out, but it's not. I don't mean the answer is complicated. I mean what I wanted to communicate in this post is just how very complicated we all are, how complicated the people who've wronged us are, how complicated the people we love most are.

We are, all of us, roiling landslides of happiness and suffering, ceaselessly picking up dirt and leaving dirt behind as we cascade down the mountain of of time. We only collide with each other in the most ephemeral ways. Let's make the most of them.

[jmatcha]

I had a weird dream last night...

I cried myself to sleep, I just felt, inadequate. I was so tired and there's so many things going on in my mind but I can't find the words to describe them. It was frustrating before but just exhausting now.

JA was awake for almost 24hrs by then and I know he's tired. I felt such an immense guilt knowing that I contribute to that. I have so many needs and only allow a single person to fulfill all that. I wish I wasn't this big of a burden but I can't control that anymore at this point.

I'm a sexual assault victim... I have to start acknowledging that at this point. I used to think that maybe it wasn't all that bad. Maybe I was just over exaggerating things. I've learned and succeeded in burying the memories so I can't know for sure.

But last night, the pain was real. The fear was overwhelming. The disgust, even though it wasn't logical, was all too present. It happened, I don't know exactly what but it did. And my mind may have succeeded in forgetting but my body didn't.

I was a victim, it's just that, I didn't want to be one. I thought that's one thing I can control. I thought I get to dictate that part. I've forced myself to erase the abuse. In my mind it didn't happen, cause I wish it didn't. I was disillusioned.

I cried to every sexual assault stories I've heard, seen and read for years. I told myself it was just because of my sense of justice, fairness. I told myself I just grieve for what they've lost, suffered, all the while I was grieving for myself too.

I thought there was just one kid inside me, the neglected and broken one but here's one more. She who suffered but was silenced, who had to comfort her grief in the cover of darkness. Who was turned away when she needed it most.

I had a weird dream though. Strange but comforting.

I saw myself hugging an older brother who proceeded to pat my head endearingly. I saw myself seated in a table with my parents, asking my mom what I should order for dessert and she told me I've always loved sulatana's. That I've always ordered it before. I talked with her freely and felt the love in her voice. There was my dad too. He sat quietly but had a content and loving look in his eyes. They're already old, like those couples who decided to prepare first before becoming parents.

There was warmth where I never felt before. I felt safe, at peace, content, loved and happy. I know it may just be a dream but I'd like to believe God showed me a different life I enjoy in a different world, era or timeline. That He's showing me there's a part of me somewhere, who's familiar with everything I lack here.

So thank you Lord. That was more than I can ask for. Thank you for showing me that there's a place I belong. For a seat at that table. It may just be borrowed but it's enough, if not more. I'd imprint that image in my mind as the family I have, they may not be from this world but they're still mine and I'll remain grateful to you for that.

You're amazing.

[soulcheri]

"Say things like what?" She plays innocent but, she knows exactly what he means. The dirty talk always gets to him. Just as it does to her. Sometimes the filthy shit that comes out of his mouth is hotter than the act itself. Oh, who is she kidding? No it's not. It's equally erotic.

"I am sore," she tells him. But, that doesn't stop her from spreading her legs and encouraging him to slip between her soft folds which are aching to be near him. If Brooke could mold herself to his skin, she would. She's not sure how she's going to survive when they part. When he has to return to the real world, to the Vipers, and to whatever else he's managed to dip his hands into.

"You wear me out. But, I don't want you to stop." With him nestled inside of her, Brooke offers gentle thrusts. They're slow and sensual, just so she can get readjusted to his size again. Which no matter how many times they have sex - the length of him still stuns her. By now, you'd think she would've been stretched out enough to accommodate him fully. Her pussy was like a rubber band, though. The harder they stretched, the tighter it snapped back together.

"I love you so much." Tears well her eyes but they don't dare fall. The love she feels for him is overpowering and it hasn't gone away. If anything, it's only grown stronger in his absence from her life.

With her hands covering both sides of his neck, Brooke rubs the side with his tattoo using her thumb. She traces the ink before letting her palms slide down his shoulders and between their chests. Any excuse to feel him, or the ripples of muscle that have no doubt gotten tighter and harder since she last felt them, she took. "You've been working out a lot, haven't you?" She could always tell when he'd been to the gym. And now, that he was living in Eli's mansion - she was sure he had his own personal one in there somewhere.

Speaking of Eli's mansion.... Brooke recalls him saying something about the rooms and how some of them have been left unexplored. "Do you remember the night of the cops and robbers party?" Half of that night, Brooke has tried her best to forget. She's sure Tyler has too because, it was the same night Brooke had hatesex with Jake. "When you texted me to come over and told me to bring the handcuffs." Brooke bit her lip before her eyes wandered over to her bedside table. Inside the top drawer were those very, same handcuffs.

She wasn't going to pull them out now and she wouldn't let him do so either. Maybe another time. Because tonight, wasn't about exploring their kinks. They were supposed to be figuring things out. "We still have to have sex in his dungeon." They didn't get a chance to back then but, maybe now that Tyler had taken Eli's mansion over, they could have a redo.

Brooke would make sure to pencil that night in. "I can't believe my dad almost caught us." Brooke's thoughts were running a mile a minute, which explains her jumping from subject to subject without waiting for a response. She can't help it though, Tyler makes her nervous. He always has. But, it's the good kind of nervous. It's the school girl crush kind. Where everything she does, its for a purpose. It's to get him to like her and then fall in love with her. Even though, he already is.

"I know we have a lot to work out..." her stomach twists just thinking about all the subjects they haven't touched and she knows they should, and they need to. Like the one about Gage. But, Brooke wants to enjoy the moment for a little while longer. She wants to bask in the memories of them, not other people. "But, can I just say.... if this...." meaning today "... is what it's like to have sex with you in a bed. Why don't we do it more often?" Throughout their entire relationship, Brooke can't recall one time where they've made it to a bed. Normally they were too impatient. Whatever was within reach or accessible at the time, is what they went with.

Laughing, Brooke leans up to bury her face against Tyler's neck. She spays it with a few kisses while her legs wrap around his waist to keep him buried inside of her heat. Regardless of the stall in their thrusts. "What's your favorite memory from our relationship? Like, if you could pick any one of them to re-live again... which one would you choose?"

Tyler knows she like it when he's cruel and unrelenting. So when she begs, pants, and pleads for him to stop, it only provokes him to take things further. Each time she wiggles to break free or lifts her back to create more distance, Tyler retaliates by dragging her closer and pinning her knees back. With her legs completely spread for him, he glides his perverted tongue up and down her folds in an upward thrust, making sure he strikes her clit with every foul lick. Then looks up, watching as her eyes fill with tears. He knows she's overstimulated and thrashing around for relief but he can't get enough of her. Even while kissing and fingering her pussy at the same time, he still craves for more.

He only pauses to look up when he hears the floor creak outside the bedroom. The television was turned down to a low volume because Brooke wasn't able to keep her voice down, so with the exception of the minor background noise, the room was almost completely silent. Tyler could see the panic growing in Brooke's eyes when Quinn's knocking at the door. Brooke, sweetheart? His voice was just quiet enough not to disturb her on the off chance that she was asleep. While Quinn remained there, Tyler pressed soft kisses along the inside of Brooke's thigh until the heat rolling off her pussy reaches his mouth. Then he licks his lips and buries his face between her thighs again. Only this time he adds the pressure of his hands around her breasts, stroking her clit while playing with her tits at the same time. Her muffled cries and choked responses fill his cock with so much heat that he cums a little.

Are you awake? Her father's voice continues and Tyler would swear he should be able to hear the wet sounds her pussy's making on his tongue. She's so wet that each time his tongue flicks against her clit it makes a hot gluey sound - like she's trying to get something unstuck. Which she is. His mouth.

Alright. I guess you're asleep. We'll talk tomorrow. Goodnight, kitten. With his final words spoken, Tyler immediately returns to a faster momentum, pleasuring her pussy with hungry laps as if he was afraid she might melt away. When he feels the tremoring of her hips and hears that familiar high-pitched squeal, he rolls his thumbs over her nipples and gives them each a gentle pinch before she squirts on his mouth. He's a little disappointed when she pulls back and dampens her shorts with the rest of her release. He figures that's payback for depriving her from swallowing him.

"I just wanted to see how far we could take it." Despite how hot it would have been to have Quinn kick the door down with a shotgun in his hands, Tyler wouldn't want to put Brooke through that traumatic experience. She's already been through enough because of him. Which just goes to show how strong their bond to each other really is. What should have broken them up, a thousand times, hasn't.

"I need you more." Tyler takes the remote and turns the television off. "I'm not going to test you anymore. I'll go slow and soft. I just want to hear you in my ear. I love the sound of your voice when I'm inside you." Pulling her legs toward him, Tyler eases his boxer-briefs down and his cock unsticks itself from his leg. He's already fully-erect and leaking down his shaft. "Lift your hips," he asks before sliding her shorts all the way down. As hot as it was to roll around half-naked in their underwear while making out, Tyler wants to feel all of her.

"Don't say things like that. It makes me wild." He begs in between a hungry kiss while he eases himself down between her legs. Her stomach and breasts feel so warm as she holds onto him, and he looks down to guide his straining erection in her pussy. "Fuck baby," he bites on her lip and then nuzzles her cheek when she squeezes all around him as he's filling her to the hilt. "Even sore, I want to ravish you. I can't help the way you make me feel, pretty eyes."