#and 2 live w tht guilt

[gepardling]

night-time rendezvous w/ gepard .

desc. : I arise from my hiatus much like a vampire in deathrest. The prologue for a halloween special tht no1 asked for, but i desperately needed 2 write ft. vampire landaus yippeeeee i went 2 deep on the lore besties pls idm if any1 submits asks or reqs around this AU bc i absolutely ADORE it nd didn't get 2 include all of it in da story. May be edited a lil post-release bc i didn't want 2 upload 2 late :( ( wc : 869 )

tags / cw : sfw, but mentions of blood, injury and vampirism, gn!reader, (they/them used), vampire!AU for the Landaus, reader is a human, this is slightly cliché but I LOVE MY CLICHES, proofread but lore may change

index : prologue, part 1, part 2

— Day 0

In the quiet depths of the night, Gepard, a revenant of countless millennia, stood outside his family's ancient villa nestled deep within the dark woods. He had roamed the world for eons, yet he had never been able to silence the heavy guilt that accompanied each sip of blood. The moon hung low in the sky as he grappled with the eternal hunger and remorse that were part of his existence. That's when a lost and injured traveler, you, stumbled upon his secluded refuge. Gepard was the first to find you, a wounded soul, seeking shelter in the heart of his ancestral home.

The scent of iron filled Gepard's nostrils, and a familiar angst gripped the pit of his stomach. He knew that his family, resting in crypts beneath the villa, would be acutely aware of the presence of fresh blood nearby. He couldn't avoid the hunger that was inherent in his nature, but he could control it. As he ventured out to investigate, he saw you – a weary traveler who had unknowingly stumbled into the heart of his family's domain. Gepard's eyes, centuries old and burdened with the weight of guilt, bore into yours. He hesitated for a moment, torn between his hunger and the realization that he couldn't bring harm to another soul.

With a voice that carried a mixture of both weariness and kindness, he said, "You've entered a place not meant for travelers. This is my family's home, and we're... different." Gepard longed to protect you from the danger lurking within the villa's shadows. "You should leave," he urged, although his words were tinged with reluctance. "It's not safe here for you."

"I can't walk anymore," you managed to utter, your hand clinging to the cut on your arm. The throbbing ache in your skull pounded relentlessly, causing your vision to waver in and out of darkness, much like the ebb and flow of the moon itself.

Gepard's expression shifted from concern to one of distress. He swiftly closed the distance between you, his centuries-old instincts warring with his desire to protect you. He knelt beside you, his hand hovering over your injury. "I'm...I can't let you get hurt," he whispered to himself. His own struggle with the hunger that raged within him was a torment he had lived with for centuries, but he couldn't bear to see you suffer. 

Tentatively, he extended his hand, offering you the kind of help he had never given to anyone in all his millennia. "Let me help you," he said softly, his deep voice laced with an undertone of sadness. "I can offer you shelter for the day, but after that, you must leave. This place is not meant for the living. My family..." He trailed off, the anguish evident in his eyes as he contemplated what lay ahead.

"Your... Family?" You whispered back, your mind too cloudy to make any assumptions as the pain nearly buckled your knees. The swiftness with which he scooped you up into his arms was abnormal, but you lacked the energy to resist it now. The ache in your legs still throbbed, but the pressure of his arms provided a strange sort of comfort. As he moved through the grand villa, the ancient architecture around you seemed to whisper secrets of centuries long past.

"My family," he replied, his voice a low murmur, "are not the type to welcome guests, especially those who are alive." His tone conveyed the gravity of the situation. "But I'll tend to your wounds first, and then you must leave. Quickly."

You couldn't see much of his face as you faded in and out of consciousness, but there was a quiet desperation in his eyes. Despite his almost supernatural abilities and formidable appearance, he carried you with a gentleness that spoke of deeper feelings he was unable to fully express. Gepard laid you down on a plush surface, one that seemed foreign to him, but he knew humans preferred the comfort. As you lay on the comfortable bed, the cool linen soothing your feverish skin, consciousness became a distant shore that you could barely see. He knew he had to be swift, for his kindred would soon sense the foreign essence of a human in their midst. The room around you was adorned with antique tapestries, and faint moonlight filtered through heavy drapes. Gepard's emotions churned within him, a complex blend of guilt, empathy, and fear.

Gepard's fingers worked skillfully, tending to your wounds, and he tried to stifle the rising urgency within him. As he changed the blood-stained sheets and bandaged your injuries, he couldn't help but glance towards your still form. His family's presence loomed like a storm on the horizon, and he knew he was running out of time. He sat by your bedside, locked in a silent vigil, hoping that you would awaken before the inevitable. The scent of your blood clung to the room, an indelible mark of your presence, and he knew he couldn't completely erase it. The minutes ticked by, each one heavier than the last, as he awaited the moment when you would open your eyes and, hopefully, escape the impending chaos that threatened to consume them both.

dis may or may not end up being liiiike 3 ~ 4 pts long bc oooooppss i rlly like vampires srry nd i like having geppie as a vamp who doesn't like 2 drink blood nd he does become kinda toxic later (ooc? what's that?? i firmly believe i can make it work) WAIT UNTIL U SEE SERVAL OOOOHHH MY GOD ANGST CENTRAL

[melissa-titanium]

the ask game stuff..001 for N nd doll (giggles

GO FUCK YOURSELF . but thank uou... anime berdly emoji . ill answer...FOR NOW

001 | send me a ship and I will tell you:

when I started shipping it if I did: VERY RECENTLY ACTUALLY id say within the last like two weeks. ive always loved doll and always loved n but then i realized like. oh huh i connect alot with n and want to make out with doll . boom. its like borderline selfship at this point its cringe as fuck but let me do whatever i want.

my thoughts: surprisingly i don't have as many thoughts on them as i did but i feel like. because of how much of a foil doll is to uzi i think thats the word it would be like. IDK i feel like for doll it'd help to understand the 'humanity' of the dds. if she witnesses a disassembly drone killing war machine trip over his own tail or bump his head into a doorframe and wince and laugh and talk and hug with gentle arms and do things that she specifically reprogrammed herself NOT to do so she'd have a better chance to kill her worst enemy and avenge her parents... she would short circuit. to actually get to the point of not killing him on sight would take a while or lots of coercing via ... lizzy? or hell maybe even uzi im not sure. unless they had an individual encounter (which, you know, could totally happen! doll out in the wastes and n is on a solo hunt, you know her ass was following them.) that lead to a stalemate, i'm not sure how they'd even meet. HM OK NOW IM THINKING ABOUT THIS. either way tho n has a habit of befriending insane drones (or like... smoochin depending on how you see enzi tho i see them as platonic) and i think he could. Not fix her but he could be there for her bless. and again i think she could help him be not a doormat 💛 also stupid hc i had aboit them i hv always thought doll to have like... a freakishly good memory. which, works perfectly paired with n because like .you know. his memory prahblems . dolls ass can remember the angle of your arm when you were like fucking sitting on a chair on the 13th of april last year or some shit like she PAYS ATTENTION even if she doesn't often share her input... which is also a good thing bcos n is super inclusive always. n voice DOLLLL LOOK WE ARE DOING A THING!!!! :D & shes just like. sighs okay (comes ova 2 him) and eventually.. i think itd get to the point where she can go do shit on her own without being explicitly invited YAY

What makes me happy about them: gotta bring up the Me & My Wife shit again bcos its borderline selfship at this point. i just think its interesting and awesome I REALLY HOPE THEY HAVE AN INTERACTION... tho i doubt it; i think they might fight or smt in ep 7 WHICH HONESTLY I WOULDNT BE SAD ABOUT my goil needs moe screenrtime

What makes me sad about them: doll probably hasnt experienced like. affection in fucking ages & frankly n really hasnt either. i think they'd hold hands and talk about their kill counts. also i just realized they both kind of went thru a period of time tht was little socialization only KILL. doll had school & lizzy, sure, but also living in an apartment with ur parents' & dozens of others' corpses its like. tht fucks w u. but the interesting thing about them is… n and doll don't experience guilt over Killing And Eating People the same way i think. like. just for example v and uzi do (atleast in my perception). like v couldnt cope with the knowledge she had so she fell extra EXTRA hard into her role (atleast using her maid self as an accurate portrayal of her old self) and uzi has never ever experiuenced anything like that before so its fucking terrifying to her. however, with doll and n… they dont percieve it the same way. we understand that both of them are capable of guilt but it takes a very strong connection for them to experience it. ep one; n feels bad for making uzi argue with khan & ruining the card game. does he say a single thing about killing and eating half a dozen workers? No! because it's natural to him. there's nothing out of the ordinary in that situation except for the fact that he was "rude" by interrupting someone & "rude" by causing an argument. yes, he's very sweet and patient and all of the above but he doesn't see killing as really a BAD THING… he sees it as a necessity; as him being useful, higher numbers means hes doing a good job. but, really, that's all he's known. he doesn't remember being a worker. after meeting uzi he's capable of realizing… oh, these are living creatures! i feel a little bad now. but the guilt doesn't come crashing down onto him and leave him utterly devastated at his kill count, it just sits there. it festers. similarly, in my opinion, to how doll reacts to guilt. we see her as this unstoppable force at every point until the end of promening. she knows her goals, she knows what she has to do to get to them, and has shaped herself into the perfect killing machine to do what she needs, removing all forms of guilt from her person to make sure it doesn't get in the way. though, again, it comes bubbling to the surface back from where she buried it so deeply under all her anger when uzi pops her emo little head in. she isnt instantly all "oh my god, what have i done?" but it eats away at her all of this fucking time, she has been killing and hurting her kind, believing she was the only one who could possibly shoulder this burden and deal justice to those who deserved it. but now that she knows she isn't alone… it festers.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: i've seen like three n/doll fics literally EVER but i'd honestly say. major mischaracterization of doll... i feel like doll gets mischaracterized more than n? n's behaviours are easy to understand and read with a surface level understanding because he has more screentime and again ON THE SURFACE looks relatively simple. i think a huge thing in some fanfics that bugs me is that. imitation of speech patterns = perfect characterization WHICH IS NOT TRUE... but also understandably makes it difficult to do with doll because she doesn't talk alot, while N talks a LOT so it leads to a heavy imbalance in mischaracterization. just because the characters would fucking say that, doesnt mean they would Fucking Do That

apparently there is a word limit on tumblr. pleasantly surprised this will be two posts instead

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

skulduggery pleasant is just soooo tragic and like i have spoken about this before in depth. continuously! over and over! but its like mould in the corner of my Mind. 

skulduggery and valkyries relationship is unhealthy and this is apparent from the moment they meet. there is no other way to frame their friendship. valkyrie is 12 years old and skulduggery is a 400 year old skeleton who doesn’t take on the role of father, or mentor or anything that could make their relationship acceptable BECAUSE he takes on the role of friend. specifically BEST FRIEND.

and like. this is it. because like auwhahgaugh the author sucks and blah blah blah i cant really get into the ummmm morality of this situation because 

a) there’s a certain amount of like UHHH who cares because it’s a childrens novel and this is not at all uncommon in childrens novel about adventure and like it’s just a cool concept like woah! best friends with a 400 year old skeleton! and this would not be an issue if it were not for point b which is

b) that the author wants the story to be regarded as more adult-like than originally intended which leads to the downfall which is that

c) we must then as the reader regard skulduggery and valkyries relationship from the pov of an Adult with the Morals And Fully Grown Brain of an Adult 

which screws the entire thing because the entire time you’re reading it you are then going. well what is this 400 year old grown man doing with a 12 year old girl. 

which then gets further into the deeper parts of their relationship. because despite all of this, there is so much charm, and love and friendship to be found between them, and even if it wasn’t a grown man taking a child on very, very dangerous, life threatening adventures there’d still be some element of unhealthiness to it all because they are above all else co-dependent and this really starts in book 4 when valkyrie spends like what ? 8 months doing everything she can, everything within her power to get skulduggery back ALIVE from the faceless ones dimension. 

and like unfortunately i enjoy the unhealthy co-dependency of two horrible people, because yeah they’re both pretty bad.  

i think really there is quite a bit of focus on valkyries interpretation of their relationship because she is the main character and we see everything through her eyes, so there’s not much of a lean into skulduggerys pov on it but even then i would say he is the more co-dependent on the two for the amount that he is just fucking crazy about saving valkyrie at every chance he can get and i think a lot of this is motivated by the fact that she is the only person alive and very very likely the only person who will ever exist to fully understand the monstrosities he has committed and the weight of the identity he took on, (darquesse and lord vile) and there is far too much comfort and home for him to be found in their mutual suffering for him to ever be willing to let go of her. now to say this is his only motivator in keeping her alive would be WRONG of course theres years worth of friendship there but the thing that deepened their relationship...was the darquesse and lord vile stuff.

and this is the tragedy in their relationship, because skulduggery, in some way, played a part in darquesse becoming who she was. at least in my interpretation of it! because no he didn’t sit around going omg become darquesse! but he was a violent, angry man and the book made this apparent to us MULTIPLEEE times that he was dangerous, that she should not be around him. again he did not directly say become darquesse! but he did lead her into that life, he did not force her to leave. he has not once, ever, ever taken accountability, responsibility, etc. for the influence he’s had over her her entire life and he never will. 

in fact a lot of the tragedy lies in his INACTION. skulduggerys INABILITY to be the ADULT. which i don’t necessarily dislike because again i enjoy that they’re fucked up best friends? but i’m talking about tragedy here sooo. it’s just like. it’s very! it’s very...skulduggery unintentionally turned her into the very thing he turned himself into, and because of this, they cannot escape each other. 

like there’s very little they could do to escape the metaphorical chokehold they have on one another. though it was and wasn’t skulduggerys fault, for dragging her into that lifestyle and for letting her stay (”because shes her own person! im her partner not her mentor/father!” well shes 15 u idiot) there’s nobody either of them can blame. they can only recognise the darkest parts of themselves in eachother. in order for skulduggery to live with the monster inside of him, he had to make a monster in someone else. a monster that could love him, and be his best friend. 

[logarto]

hello logan do you have any warrior cats ocs

yes :) most of them from when I was s teenager but I cannot lie I've been cooking some NEW ONES since I've been rereading.

[scourge-sympathiser]

@absolutely-flabbergasted

AH i do hav her deisgned but tht sketch is locked behind my old laptop at my parentz house- oopz best i got is here um. her

ive only mentioned thm occasionally! hez got 2 momz! thundersong of course & stonewing! whoz actually the deputy of sunclan :3 now realizing tht half the thingz i thought i posted r actually just somwhere in my 660+ draftz whoopz....

in any case! thy r quite smitten w/ eachothr- though there is a tension tht comez aftr most of their first litter died, largely sprouting from thundersongz guilt & stonewingz frustration w/ the fact tht thundersong wont listen to her whn she sayz it wasnt her fault!! aftr yewheart is revealed thy take a not on purpose break- thundersong too filled with rage to do much of anything but stalk around the forest hunting & stonewing too devastated n just barely pulling thru her dutyz numbly before just going to laydown..

eventually thy come to realize thy can find support in eachothr n r able to rekindle the relationship... thy probz hav a second litter eventually- somthing beartheart is.. spilt abt. on 1 hand hez happy 4 his momz n lovz his little sibz. on the othr he cant help but be terribly bitter abt the fact tht. thy hav wht waz Taken from him. thy live how he waz Supposed to be able too

personality wize thundersong is pretty strightforward, shez usually smiling n Seemz warm but shez a lot more frank n harsh thn many expect- itz not like shez Mean she just doesnt put up w/ shit. part of why stonewing is so shocked by how much she letz herself take the blame for her kitz death, nyanywayz thundersong is also pretty active- most catz w/ her coat type end up shade warriorz but she cannot stand staying still for too long so shez year round

stonewing is like. a very good at her job manager who evry1 respectz but still managez to be approachable well not overly friendly? ive got more written but i cant find it rn n dont wanna contridict myself later haha

also their namez n the namez of their three kitz [owlkit wolfkit & bearheart] were chosen in reference 2 the wolvez of the beyond seriez. Because

[sexysilverstrider]

sakura loves all 3 of her same husbands

[cvastals]

look i kno i said i wasnt gna bring a 6th until i was caught up w replies bt i kno gunner well n therefore felt like he deserved his time to shine in the rp so i beg of u pls plot w him looks at u all like :B

* axel auriant, cis man + he/him | you know gunner paxton, right? they’re twenty-two, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, four years? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to bizarre love triangle by new order like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole curling up for days in bed wearing a hello kitty comfort shirt, stuttering in the face of affection, and hand me downs two sizes too big thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is july 31st, so they’re a leo, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( bri, 23, est, they/them )

background.

middle child of the paxton family, cliff being the eldest and wyatt being the youngest :D

they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved

the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh

gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament

(depression/anxiety tw) he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder

(violence/abuse tw) their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad

(missing child/kidnapping/anxiety/depression tw)  wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there, high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, cliff left home in the middle of the night never to be seen again (merely leaving a note so that the family didn’t think they had a case of two kidnapped children), and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping

the two years that gunner was at home after cliff left were pretty brutal and as soon as he could, he was fleeing wyoming and going to school in irving

(internalized homophobia tw)  things are far better now that he’s out of his home situation, but ofc he still has a few personal things he’s working thru; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly

he’s also ‘dealing’ rn (just pharmaceuticals) which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight all things considering and a librarian job doesn’t rly cover it, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!

details.

is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic

u can catch him strutting around town w his blinged out epipen holder (aka blinged out w pins of his fav horrors movies) LKSHDGKLHSKLDG

if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times

n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes

awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like he barely knows how to converse with ppl

didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 30 seconds, just extremely weird and specific things

can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno - has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms

loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after

going off that fact he did a film internship in nyc during the summer and is trying to find a job in that field

doesn’t realize demisexuality is a thing so he’s never been that fond of sex but has this stigma in his mind that that makes him Broken so he still Tries n it jst doesnt go well tugs my shirt collar

connections.

ppl who r more into under the counter meds than Hard Drugs n buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms

ppl he went to school w? :D

some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………

ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat he crushes quite easily but never does anything abt it fr the most part

a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht he actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)

some enemies tbh, he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG

a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects

awkward past hook ups/one night stands where one of them cut ties off cuz every time they got together gunner acted like he was embalming a body for a funeral

current hook ups/fwb’s w ppl he’s actually close w/is comfortable w so its nowhere near as bad SDKHSLDGHKLSDGH

Anything u Desire

[angeltrapz]

howdy 💙 chainshipping ask time: on days when they’re feelin bad, what do they do for the other person? also favorite date night activities? + th first moment post-bathroom where they each realized they’d fallen in love w th other?

hi!! 💜

ooh I think abt this a lot actually. I think th two of them have a tendency 2 bottle things up, so it kind of takes a lil bit fr them to realize tht Hey, Someone Wants To Make Sure I'm Okay and fr them 2 then get to a place where they share how they're rly doing rather than bein like "no everything's fine wdym :)" but once they Do get past tht n r able 2 be honest w each other, it's a lot better fr both of them + honestly its own form of healing.

a lot of th time when Adam's having a bad day, he's either nonverbal or responds w as short of an answer as possible, so th big thing Lawrence does fr him is just let him know he's there when/if he's ready 2 talk + there's no stress 2 tell him what's wrong right away. tht's smth tht's rly important to Adam, n smth he appreciates greatly. often times, along w tht, Adam tends 2 seek out physical contact - so like coming up behind Lawrence while he's cooking breakfast n wrapping his arms around him, holding his hand when they're walking together, sitting close enough so their knees/shoulders/hips brush + just leaning into Lawrence's side altogether, etc. so another thing they do is either cuddle up on th couch or in th bedroom n they watch a few movies together. sometimes Lawrence will read 2 him too. it's rly all abt proximity + lil actions tht in reality r a wordless way 2 say "I'm here, it's okay, we'll get thru this together." Lawrence is patient, doesn't rush him, n stays close by. fr Adam, tht is more than enough + means th world. n it eventually leads 2 him being more comfortable voicing how he feels more often!!

Lawrence's bad days r a lil harder to catch bc even tho he knows Adam's there, he still feels a pretty intense amount of guilt + doesn't often feel tht he has like. a right 2 complain? bc I think, fr a long time, he views himself as th one most responsible fr what happened in th bathroom n how they got there. it takes a while fr him to break out of tht mindset, but th main thing Adam reminds him of is he's still here. bc Lawrence spends a lot of time thinking like, "if I wasn't a bad person, Jigsaw wldn't have chosen me or put my family in danger, therefore it's my fault + I need 2 atone somehow." Adam is aware of this, n they've found tht th best solution is fr him 2 just b very blunt n ask "well was I a bad person? was I so horrible tht Jigsaw chose me based on tht n I deserved what happened next?" n of course Lawrence will immediately be like "no of course not??? nothing u cld've done cld warrant tht?" (kinda like th way u mentioned Adam comforts William) so Adam gets to respond w "tht applies 2 u too, u know. yr not a bad person. nothing you cld've done wld warrant smth like tht, either."

n Lawrence mentally bluescreens th first time he hears Adam say tht bc it's just like. He's Right. if he doesn't think Adam is a bad person + deserved wht happened, why did he? so tht's like th big thing Adam does fr Lawrence. he reassures him tht despite his brain's best efforts 2 convince him otherwise, he is a good person who Adam loves n tht might've made mistakes, but they didn't warrant being chained to a pipe in a fucking bathroom somewhere w his family in danger + being tasked 2 kill his now-bf, christ.

favourite date night activities!! I think they're mostly p lowkey fr th most part just bc of like, th unease of potentially being around A Lot Of Ppl, but every once in a while they'll dress up a lil bit n go somewhere nice fr dinner bc Lawrence is a hopeless romantic + he likes being able 2 do tht fr Adam sometimes. Adam thought it'd be like, wayyyy too stuffy + uncomfortable esp bc it's not smth he's used to, but honestly it's rly fun n they get to spend time together, so in th end it's all fine! plus there's never any pressure 2 like, go all out w dressing up or anything, so tht's nice too. honestly, if Adam wasn't so in love w Lawrence, th way he holds his hand over th table while they skim thru th menu + talk abt what sounds good might make him think he was somehow th main character of a romcom.

a lot of times, too, they frequent this local diner tht Adam used 2 go to fr breakfast all th time when he n Scott were teenagers bc it was relatively cheap, th food was good, + th staff was full of kind ppl. the lighting is lowkey n they usually have some sort of seasonal decorations around th place, n it's just somewhere Adam feels Safe, which of course leads 2 Lawrence feeling tht way abt it too. it's rly nice fr when they still want to go out, but don't rly want to put too much effort into it (tht's not to say th diner is low-quality tho!). they're there so often some of th servers know them by name + are friendly w them, so there's tht too!

their favourite, tho, is nights in where they order takeout or delivery so tht neither of them have 2 cook (Adam is getting better w it, tho Lawrence still cooks fr th majority of th time) n they can just relax. sometimes they lay a bunch of blankets on th floor n camp out there, sometimes they make a pillow fort bc why not, n sometimes they just grab their favourite blanket n curl up on th couch while watching random TV fr background noise or movies. Adam’s head always ends up on Lawrence’s shoulder at some point. Lawrence will have an arm around his shoulder. sometimes Adam will rest his legs across Lawrence’s lap. it’s just being close + enjoying some downtime tht they both rly appreciate.

as fr th first time they realized they were in love each other... in all honesty, fr Lawrence, it was pretty much th moment Adam finally woke up in th hospital n looked at him n said “you came back fr me.” (like yr text game Still Life is Exactly how I see it happening!!) however, th first time Lawrence rly became CONSCIOUS of tht feeling n was able 2 put a name to it was honestly so simple and yet so meaningful. it was Adam standing in his kitchen th morning after he’d spent th night bc he cldn’t get to sleep on his own, too worked up n on edge n afraid 2 be alone.

it’s Adam in only a faded n too-big t-shirt n boxers trying 2 figure out how to use Lawrence’s keurig. it’s th sunlight streaming in frm th window above th sink n framing Adam’s face n turning his eyes this bright honey-green when Lawrence catches them. he’s in th middle of washing the dishes bc he’d been meaning to since th night b4, watching as Adam moves around n learns th placement of everything, his presence so natural-feeling tht it’s hard fr Lawrence to even imagine tht he hasn’t always been there. and then Adam turns 2 look at him bc he can feel him staring, his hands curled around a mug of hot coffee, eyes still half-lidded w remnants of sleep n hair a wild unruly mess, and he smiles - tht is when Lawrence truly realizes tht he loves him. he cldn’t imagine his life w/ out Adam in it. he can hardly remember how it felt to live w/ out him. tht’s when he knows.

I think fr Adam, th moment he became truly aware of how much he loved Lawrence was actually during one of his bad days where he was stuck in th mental bathroom, unable get out of his own head fr much longer than a few minutes at a time. he had gone mostly nonverbal n found the energy needed 2 keep up a conversation was just not smth he had, but instead of Lawrence being irritated by tht fact, he was going out of his way 2 be like, “I know yr not doing well, n tht’s okay, if u want 2 talk to me I’m here but if u don’t I’ll still b here anyways.” n tht’s like smth tht’s so foreign to Adam, ppl being willing 2 understand his struggles w things like speech n eye contact if he’s distressed + who don’t try 2 force him to power thru it, so tht first time he’s just sitting there on th couch, leaning against Lawrence’s side w/ his legs tucked up underneath him n w his weighted blanket covering them both, watching Lawrence fill out th crossword in th daily newspaper n just kinda coasting tht line between being present n checking out, he’s just like. Huh. This Is Nice.

bc no one’s ever rly offered tht kind of accommodation 2 him? esp not his parents, which is part of wht I mentioned earlier abt his tendency to bottle things up. neither of them have 2 say anything; it’s just comfy, reassuring, sitting so close + sharing a space while maintaining a comfortable silence bc Adam doesn’t think he can explain yet. n he looks up at Lawrence’s face, tracing th heavy line of his furrowed brows as he concentrates hard abt whatever word it is he’s trying 2 figure out, th tip of his tongue peeking out btwn his lips as he squints, occasionally mouthing a word or two, n tht’s kind of when it hits him. it’s just kind of like an internal ah, I see. Lawrence doesn’t mind tht he’s like this. he doesn’t badger him fr answers or expect him 2 be th perfect image of good mental health n is perfectly content 2 just sit w/ him as he rides it out. tht’s when Adam really gets tht this is love.

tysm fr this ask I had so much fun w it <3

[junkiebcrn]

ooc;; so it's 1am n I'm over stressing over how old Harper would be canonly. I headcanon tht she had her 2 months early doing her 9 months of being sober. So she'd be born 7 months into her everything.

SL goes on tht bender w/ Bojack tht in canon kills her, but in my canon she lives... Even after Bojack waited SEVENTEEN FUCKING MINUTES TO CALL 911 !

Then Bojack left for like a year n a half. So Harper would be 1 years old. My headcanon is tht he left bc of tht guilt of almost killing her / waiting so long. ( Maybe he doesn't even know she's alive yet idk ??? ) Also tht documentary still happens, so Boj does watch it.

Then everything in S6, soooo I think Harper would be between 3-5 years old. Thts a wide age range I know lol Then Sarah Lynn finds out abt Boj n Daine n he later finds out he's got a daughter. So she's starting or is in school now.

This is a mess n I'm p way off since I suck at math n years n dates lol but yeah lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[gcnnerpaxton]

bri again making a terrible decision. do i need a fourth? no.......... bt here we are anyway. after this i promise im done fr a while bt :/ i lov this lil bitch so here we are........ give this a like if u wld b Down to Clown w him aka plot!

「axel auriant & cismale」⇾ paxton , gunner, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a leo and 22 years old. he is studying film, living off campus and can be loyal, resilient, anxious & indifferent. when i see him i am reminded of curling up in bed for days in a hello kitty comfort shirt, the click of a camera shutter & hand-me-down’s two sizes too big.

pinterest is HERE.

TW’S FOR ABUSE, VIOLENCE, MISSING CHILD, KIDNAPPING, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA BELOW!

stats.

name: gunner brick paxton.

age: twenty-two.

gender identity: cis-male.

pronouns: he/him.

sexuality: demisexual.

birthday: july 31, 1998.

star sign: leo.

myers-briggs: istj.

year of study: senior.

major: film.

occupation: librarian.

place of birth: laramie, wyoming.

religion: catholic (non-practicing).

background.

neen jst brought in gunner’s older brother so fr those who read elias’ bio u kno tht gunner is the middle paxton child w eli being the oldest n then they have wyatt who is the youngest!!

they lived at the top of a hill in a trailer in a trailer park neighbourhood in laramie, wyoming so to say the least that fucking sucked for everyone involved

the trailer was so small that all 3 boys ended up sharing a room, gunner and wyatt sharing a bunk bed bc they cldnt fit 3 beds into one room it really was every childs nightmare bt they quickly grew used to it tbh

gunner was always more of an artsy child than invested in sports - though he does enjoy baseball and continued even to this day after their dad made him join SOMETHING in middle school - so he never rly earned their father’s respect, but he was always close with his mom since they had the same calm temperament

DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TW - he also gained a list of mental health issues that their mom had as well, including social anxiety and major depressive disorder - DEPRESSION/ANXIETY TW END

VIOLENCE/ABUSE TW - their father always encouraged pretty volatile behaviour and it caused a lot of physical fights and arguments between the brothers when their dad told them the best way to get over it was to start hurting until someone tapped out, it was just a chaotic and pretty abusive household but no one knew and their mom definitely wasn’t going to say anything about it to their dad - VIOLENCE/ABUSE TW END

MISSING CHILD/KIDNAPPING TW - wyatt went missing on a weekend that their parents were gone because of a trip they won, and things just got worse from there

ANXIETY/DEPRESSION TW - high school was really rough for gunner, his anxiety grew worse as time went on that no one found wyatt, their dad grew more hostile towards them, and their mom just grew sicker, it was rare that she would ever leave her room and if she did it was in fits of random energy where she would do something spontaneous and completely unnecessary to their house as a way of coping - MISSING CHILD/KIDNAPPING/ANXIETY/DEPRESSION TW END

the two years that gunner was at home after elias finally left for school were basically torture and as soon as he could, he was falling his brother’s footsteps in getting out of wyoming to go to school at radcliffe

INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA TW -  things are far better now that they’re out of their home situation, but gunner’s going through some more things personally now; the paxton’s were raised in an incredibly religious household, and he’s got some classic Catholic Guilt going on upon realizing that he’s not jst attracted to women n he avoided talking abt it forever/stayed in the closet fr far too long bt he’s sort of come out now in his own way even tho he does still get a bit nervous talking abt it rly - INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA TW END

he’s also ‘dealing’ rn which is frankly funny to think abt bc this man is abt as threatening as a care bear bt money is tight between him and eli all things considering, and with the amount of meds he’s on, plus incredibly frequent doctor’s visits, needing to pay for extra epi-pens, inhalers, etcs. bills add up so he’s cutting back his meds n selling wht he can spare which is . so unhealthy bt thts life in corporate america baybee!

details.

is literally allergic to everything. grass, cats, most fruits, milk, most nuts, bees, latex, probably more i cnt even keep up w them its pathetic

u can catch him n eli strutting around campus w matching epipen holders tht he got them fr eli’s 16th bday JKSDNGKLHSDGLK

if things cldnt get worse he also has quite intense asthma so he carries an inhaler with him at all times

n to make matters even WORSE he frequently has dizzy spells n bad memory problems bc of all the concussions he’s suffered from (about 8-9 at this point) as well as consistent migraines that can b literally debilitating sometimes

awkward n jst a bit of a Weirdo to b frank like if it weren’t fr eli he wld probably have one (1) friend he jst cnt converse w ppl

didnt have any friends in high school so took the time to teach himself rly weird things, knows a fuck ton of magic tricks, can yodel, juggle, solve a rubix cube with his eyes closed in under 2 minutes, just extremely weird and specific things

can honestly b a bit mean/barbaric to ppl he’s not close w/doesn’t kno has told ppl to their face before he doesn’t enjoy talking to them bc he has no concept of social constructs/norms

loves 2 film random things at parties, makes him feel more comfortable at them n he makes short films of them all after

update about his summer away: ended up heading to nyc fr a film internship n actually had a rly good time??? fr once?? jst had a rly nice summer fling after being a bit heartbroken throughout the school year it was jst a rly necessary n fulfilling summer fr him king of getting wht he finally deserves

this also led him to b like . oh maybe i’m Not broken bc he doesn’t realize........... demisexuality is a thing n wld get rly awkward during hookups a lot if hes jst not 100% comfortable w the person so now he thinks hes like a one man machine who actually has some Self Esteem n thinks he can have Sexual Relations all day every day (he cannot)

connections.

ppl who buy off him?? probs wld have to kno him some way hes too scared to sell to Random randoms KJSHDGKLHSDLG

other film majors :-)

some friends………. hes awkward bt he means well…………

a mans he wld Risk It All fr (aka a guy tht gunner actually has a crush on n is Extra Awkward probs a lil mean to bc hes still New to That)

ppl he has a crush on/unrequited crushes either way wtvr floats ur boat

some enemies tbh much like elias he has a temper n he tends to blow up rarely bt it happens n when it does it actually can b quite scary JKSHDGLHSDG

a muse….. mayhaps?? someone he always wants in his film projects

awkward past hook ups maybe some current ones teehee

anything Ur Heart Desires

[rorybergstrom]

𝑫𝑰𝑫 𝑺𝑶𝑴𝑬𝑩𝑶𝑫𝒀 𝑶𝑹𝑫𝑬𝑹 𝑨 𝑩𝑰𝑺𝑬𝑿𝑼𝑨𝑳 𝑹𝑶𝑳𝑳𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑲𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑺𝒀𝑵𝑻𝑯 𝑳𝑶𝑹𝑫  ???

            hello, it’s nora again…. hitting u with another child. a south london-born softboi who deserves tenderness. has a burner phone and doesn’t use social media. does techno dj sets. plays the synth loudly through the night if u live in gorham his room always sounds like a space ship just landed. deals weed around campus on his rollerskates. hates that he can’t get new light up wheels because ana coto made rollerskating cool again. as is tradition, here’s the pinterest board. this intro is recycled?? so if theres mistakes, sue me??? and be sure to like and subscribe for more unboxing content x

application.

『 FIONN WHITEHEAD ❙ DEMI-MALE』 ⟿ looks like RORY BERGSTRÖM is here for HIS JUNIOR year as a MUSIC TECHNOLOGY student. HE is 23 years old & known to be ECCENTRIC, FANATICAL, NITPICKY & DOGMATIC. They’re living in GORHAM, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ ooc name. age. tz. pronouns. 

aesthetics.

bed hair from a permanent state of slumber, calloused fingertips from strumming bass into the early hours and djing into the blacklit night, self-help books thumbed once and thrown beneath your bed, battered copies of choose your own adventure books, spliffs passed half-arsed across rooftops while light pollution obscures low-hanging stars, marxist literature in stacks against your bedroom walls, a burner phone twice-shattered and a stash of replacement sim cards.

tw ocd, anxiety, drugs

half-swedish, half-british. the swedish is on his mother’s side. he’s bilingual but thinks in english. only really speaks swedish around his mother. only child, and kinda put a lot of pressure on himself to be the perfect kid when he was young, but his parents are honestly, quite decent? and just want him to have a nice life, they don’t care if he isn’t successful or rich or anything, they’re honestly rather solid. (wow imagine having nice parents, a first for all my characters, im literally this meme)

grew up in peckham, a suburb of london. growing up, his mum was a model / actress / waitress who later retrained as a speech therapist and his dad worked in her majesty’s service at buckingham palace. his dad wasn’t allowed to tell his family what his job entailed but rory suspects it’s probably very boring and just involves a lot of…. logistics n security.

was bullied a lot at school. [cole sprouse voice] he didn’t fit in and he didn’t want to fit in. unironically wore a trenchcoat to school every day of his life. spent most of his lunchtimes in the library because it was his safe space. as a result he knows…. loads of useless information because 30% of his school years were spent reading anthologies on space and the vikings etc. would be good on a game show. obsessively recorded every episode of university challenge as a child.

middle-class and lowkey quite wealthy but rarely talks about money, one of those well-off people who still wears really old shitty shoes and only spends money if they absolutely have to

virgin who can’t drive

into star wars, not into the big bang theory. feminist. can’t watch horror movies

favourite film is where the wild things are. also loves the florida project. thinks kids are the sweetest thing and can’t wait to be a dad to some. right now is dad to one cat, whose name changes on a daily basis (identity is constantly shifting, duuuuude), but they were originally named ‘wheezer’

rory has been musical for as long as they can remember. first picked up guitar because he thought it would make this girl esther who he was in love with like him, but he just ended up falling in love with music instead.

formulated several different bands as a kid but ultimately had to give it up cos he was quite controlling and got fixated on making a certain sound so it wasn’t really fun for the others. got into electronic music because it was something he could do basically on his own and keep tweaking until he got it perfect

always drumming their fingers or strumming invisible guitar strings. tends to avoid parties bc he has quite has specific tastes when it comes to music and doesn’t like listening to r&b for eight hours while people throw up into plastic cups.

a techno connoisseur. has been making electronic music since he was about twelve.

after his parents divorce, when he was fourteen, rory & his mother moved to run-down suburban neighbourhood, pittsfield, massachussets.

big into photography. he mostly uses a canon 35mm camera, but occasionally uses disposable ones when he wants that more rustic feel.

moving to the states, their photography became more focused on suburban neighborhoods and are often quite dark and cinematic (think gregory crewsden). here are some shots of pittsfield i really like which rory has on his wall [1] [2] [3]

falls in love 12 times a day. never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. gets sweaty when someone cute looks at him. flirting?? what?? would prefer to idealise them from a distance

gender??? hm. doesn’t really know where he fits yet, sometimes he feels like a guy and sometimes they dont feel like anything at all. isn’t really bothered, cos they think it’s a social construct anyway. uses he/they pronouns interchangeably, but feels like ‘he’ is more fitting. won’t necessarily pull anyone up on it cos he knows having an identity that’s constantly…. in flux.. can be annoying for others … and doesn’t want to be a burden even tho it isn’t at all?? rory internalises guilt

everything is socially constructed. mirrors let you move through time. the whole thing’s a metaphor. he thinks he’s got free will but really he’s trapped in a maze. in a system. all he can do is consume. people think it’s a happy game. it’s not a happy game — it’s a fucking nightmare world, and the worst thing is, it’s real and we live in it

has ocd. tries to let it affect his life as little as possible, but obviously it’s incredibly hard to control a compulsive disorder. was teased for it at school when other kids started to notice. he was obsessed with the number five, would wash his hands five times, count stairs i groups of five, he could only use the corridors in one direction and always had to keep his hands busy. it manifests itself in hyper-fixations (trains when he was a child – specifically steam engines – then later he became obsessed with space and the patterns of constellations, and now he’s obsessed with synthesizers) and repetitive behaviours like counting stairs. doesn’t really affect his social life at all, he can jst get a bit locked-on n hyper-focused sometimes.

has insomnia. barely ever sleeps. finds it hard to switch off from work / writing / gaming / whatever’s preoccupying him in that moment. he’s always awake at 5am and quite often sleeps in through classes but still gets really good grades because he’s very good at his course. rarely attends classes. prefers to work independently. doesn’t really trust his tutors are intelligent enough to be teaching him, and is particularly suspicious of the lockwood tutors. a music snob tbh

secretly a small-scale drug dealer, only does weed n some party pills. rollerskates around campus dealing cos they dnt have a car

likes: techno, the webpage cats on synthesizers in space, allen ginsberg, vintage gramophones,  floating points, lcd soundsystem, marijuana, soft dogs that let you pet them, late-night strolls talking about the universe, independent films, cigarettes, herbal tea, gallows humour, long showers, brown eyes, tchaikovsky, dr. seuss, constellations, photography, late night jazz, vintage game boys and girls who could rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and use it as an ashtray. dislikes:  weddings, funerals, formality, button-up shirts that people actually button-up, bananas, hot coffee, social media, people who watch and play sports, rap music – especially of the misogynistic variety, indie wankers in wire-framed glasses that play ed sheeran songs at open mic nights.

plot ! with ! me ! i’d say all the usual “exes fwb hookups spiel” but rory… is very tender and tame… i feel like a deer in the headlights of love……. so give me

study buddies,

people who are also into techno and are music snobs about it,

people who love all kinds of music,

people who are in bands that maybe rory’s recorded and produced stuff for,

people he actually jams with (he plays bass and synth),

unrequited crushes!!

someone they met at a knitting club in freshman year and have remained friends with despite no longer going to it

people rory knows from open mic nights and gigs

library girlfriends / boyfriends that he stares at longingly while paging through leatherbound volumes

gamers !!! social recluses !!! hermits !!

people he deals weed to on his rollerskates (why r all my characters obsessed with rollerskates)

skaters. rory is really shit at skateboarding. like really shit. help the smol

hm now that rory has !Evolved! ig we can do hook up plots if u want but he’s not tht good at divorcing sex from emotion?? like he  hooked up w teddy once n felt hopelessly inlove so..... if u want soft plots b prepared for crippling sadness.......

stay groovy XD XD

[letpapersleep]

What ages do your characters come to terms with themselves being lgbt? Or what ages do they at least know stuff like that about themselves?

hmmm i always saw lily as knowing from a really young age that she was Not interested in men & she channeled this thru being Mean to boys until high school. where she went to an all girls private school ;). she accepted tht she was just gonna be a lesbian forever around 8th grade

casey realized he wasn’t into girls in 8th grade when he got involved w his first realll girlfriend. he has a lot of fun with this concept until his late 20’s when hes like fuck it ok! im going to try & be happy. gonna live my life! no guilt! <:-) but tbh he only gets there then bc he gets estranged from his family due 2 swamp mawnster incicence. plot!

aino spends her middle & high school years being just a very uncomfortable person overall & not really wanting to talk to anyone or do anything. she realizes shes trans around her junior year & decides to move away & “start over” the second she graduates high school. she kind of comes out to her parents senior year & her parents are kind of understanding, they love her but they are like uh ok.... sure honey :)?. she always knew she liked girls but shes like shit im a lesbian now too..... i can do dating. fuck... but she doesn’t really have too much of a problem w most of it. she just wants to live a happy life on her terms

[bluetbluetbluebluet]

i don’t know how to explain my relationship w my mom to people 

i recognize the horrible things she did to me and my sister when we were kids (suicide threats/threatening to drive us all off the bridge, driving erratically into other lanes, throwing shit, grabbing wrists and punching our knees from the front seat , once she held her hand around pekkas neck and shook, when she would stop talking for five days at a time) . i was such a distressed kid i remember being dropped off at school just hyperventilating from sobbing. and i dont know if i forgive her at all but i know she was overworked and exhausted and had no one outside of my dad (who’s a whole other can of worms!) so i empathize w her. mostly i wish she had more time to grow up b4 i was born, i wish she could have left my dad i guess. like she was 20 (my age !) when she met him n started dating him..he’s 13 years older and had two kids already (my older sisters ! who i love so much!) and they kinda built this world that was their work (she waitressed at this bar tht my dad was the sound guy at) and the music/restaurant scene in saskatoon . they still live in the same house. know everyone in the neighbourhood by name . N i think more than anything im still hurt at the emotional manipulation tht i was too young 2 see thru- she enabled my ed in so many ways, watched me lie to doctors about what i was eating and endless comments about how nice i looked and like a pendulum it’d swing to her screaming at me 2 eat and wtf was wrong with me, once she called me an anorexic bitch when i was like 12! i’m still really hurt over all of tht. also i think she’s known i am gay for way longer than i’ve known . Like once i was maybe 11/12 and we had my sisters and their boyfriends and three family friends over for a dinner party and she drank too much wine and started talking about what it’ll be like when i come out - i remember her saying there’s no hope with my grandparents, they’d cut me out, and that my dad is gonna have such a hard time w it. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I always forget that. N along w that is so many comments and disgust towards lesbians and also trying to set me up with random men she works w. Her idea of me scares me so much ! I know these two things are not intentional , but really ingrained in hatred of herself , mayb catholic ideas abt sex and shame and guilt.  

i do love and appreciate her so much at the same time.i think she’s grown up a lot in the past couple of years and is less insecure about being vulnerable around us . N i dont ever wanna cut her off . i dont know though i think my parents will both keep going through the same cycles their entire lives 

If i move home i’ll b living back home for at least a couple of months i think. N i think i gotta be strong and smart and not shrink into myself  

[fagderolo]

Hbb,,

Sorry for lack of readmore but

dddeath ment ahead,

gettin hit w tht good ol survivors guilt 2 times over once fr irl shit n once for kinnie

raziel didnt deserve to die and she did 2 weeks after i met her

the dude at the carnival whose name i can't fucking remember didn't deserve to die and I was the most recent addition to the carnival before he did

There's no fucking reason I should have survived both these times they were both so much better than me they had lives ahead of them

raziel wanted to see the ocean again. he just wanted to see the world and make people happy

they didn't deserve to die and I don't deserve to be alive and I don't understand

[limenade-archive]

Pt2

[fishfingersandjellybabies]

Sorry, the first part didn't get send to you. I was just really nervous about seeing a psychiatrist about. My prof. actually talked to the associate deans about it too. He is really worried about me w/ my suicidal thoughts etc. and apparently they consider me as an emergency too despite it happened last week. My prof. began treating me gently and really careful w/ his words too. He let some of my unfinished works slide too. the campus care began contacting me too

2/2 He asked me if I'll be willing to talk to the psychiatrist etc. I said yes. But, it's weird when suddenly he begins treating me really gently and careful like I'm a glass or something. Is it just me or am I weird? I'm pretty sure Damian will ask the same thing when his family, esp. Bruce, J, n Tim suddenly treat him carefully :/ I was actually fine and happy today. But, after tht conversation, it left me w/ a weird feeling. Am I really a glass that will break?

No, you’re not weird! These kinds of things happen. It sounds like your professor is honestly just very very worried for you, and wants to get you the help he thinks you need. It might come off as ‘treating you like glass’ but I think it’s just that he’s trying not to upset you or spook you or anything. Like your a baby puppy or a wild animal. He might be afraid if he accidentally raises his voice or comes off a certain way, you’d ‘run away’ figuratively and it’d shut down any chance of him assisting with getting you the help you need. I think, basically, he’s trying to gain and keep your trust. 

And the weird feeling might be a bit of guilt/feeling bad that someone is trying to help you, and changing their own lives to do so. I get that all the time, it’s why I never ask for help, and say ‘I’m fine!’ or fake my way out of something myself. Or it might be embarrassment due to your brain perceiving it as someone feeling sorry or taking pity on you. And remember, they’re not! They’re doing this because they care and you deserve to be cared about!! 

Going to therapy is really daunting at first, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s literally just you talking and someone listening, only asking questions sometimes. And it sounds like you’re in college, so now’s the best time to do it!! For one, it’s much much cheaper than the real world. 

Good luck, my dear, and I hope it helps, and you get the support you need!! I love you <3