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reading this blog a year and a half later is really wild

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every girl iv been involved with has made me feel like crap.com

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last night i drank a whle bottle of wine and naomi kathleen and i were layingon cams bed and it was confusing to me like,being a little closer to this person that he is That isnt So bad but the way he doesn’t like himself makes him so scary to me. being in someones room is sometimes so intimate ,like u can only feel close 2 them in this little space. i think im like that too

evangelines birthday party was ocean themed so i wore my long sleeved silver see thru sparkly shirt w my stripped blue and white pants + a green scrunchy.naomi was wearing blue lipstick and a tie dyed dress and kathleen had a blue slip on and her value village lingerie robe lol immy said we looked like a girl band and a couple of ppl were talkin ab t how they only ever see us together

emma was there and she said she was so happy for me that she heard from lianne that im moving to berlin and she mentioned in a passing way that me n her dating overlapped she n buffy dating n i was like.O (i didnt know but it makes sense  ) 

naomi drank too much and spent the rest of the night puking and kathleen adn i took care of her

when kathleen is not at the farm and i am at work she walks down to the water and reads while i finish up just to walk me home.today we got oysters + beer a t the bar at my work .then we walked to naomis and the three of us ate salad on noms back porch

i then went2 junipers and we made sushi together and juniper said Kathleen is like my platonic girlfriend and iw as like. Oh god yr right, kathleen texts me: hey r we gonna watch a movie still? 

and im like: if ur roommates r driving u nuts u can hang out in my room

she is reading in my bed when i get home then asks if she can use my toothbrush 

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im actually afraid of K 

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so much of my life frm 16/17/18 was total abjection (of the body.spirit..)

in everything ugly thats happened since i left home nothing has taken me out of myself and placed in total distress like what i experienced with my family.not being able to recognize anything, without patterns or linearity ,,.... Not only AGAINST my body but far AWAY from it. how i built this very intense inner life that was so deeply spiritual : sitting alone beside the river for hours, thru storms, like almost meditating if i knew what that meant(i still dont) staying up all night and biking to the river at 2am,watching northern lights. my life is very normal and not like that now, i grocery shop and go on my phone and have good relationsjips w my friends and i go to yoga i go out to dance and drink and i take the drugs the people i know from school are using and i go to work and i sleep.and shower.and sometimes get somewhere on my bike,or go on a hike with a group of people. i think maybe last summer i was stuck in this awful angry place of not knowing how to cope with trauma when im placed back in the thick of it--will probably feel that way again sometime. Anyways i feel like in this new way of being a person is so,soso good, it allows me to have relationships and learn and grow a bunch, but i miss the old intensity and with this new way of being its like...how do i hold both. i dont think you can ever let go of anything thats happened to you (its just a part of U and what U know now) but i guess im always just afraid of DEPRESSION which is total soul death and emptiness and can suck me up for months at a time. How do i channel my intensity and spirit and love thru my very normal routine which i sometimes dont love but I know is temporary 

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turns out being messy and drunk washow i needed2 be to let ! It ! Go !

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literally what's wrong with me why do i want to be a little scared of someone im seeing

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still can't believe C sent me an email w a vid of him attached - eating a kiwi -- titled 'for yr consideration' .. bold proposition frm a man who's too shy to look at me now ! I'm mad

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K told me C followed this girl paisley home one time after last call at the campus bar and ever since then ive been pretty freaked out abt him. went to a derby game w K and all her roommates,C tagged along, he wouldnt even look at me ! so i kept asking him questions directly in front of everyone as a..power move ? bc its SO annoying to me for him to try and keep me on this hook or smth (esp younger me! like a year and a half ago i was a baby 18 year old and he was actin so weird ! like fuk OFF!) ANYWays i dont care about him! he should grow tf up! is my feeling on the whole thing..

N im a little overwhelmed too a couple days ago i felt like i was growing this crush on K  , she left her shirt at my house and i put it on as i was running out and it smelled like her and it made me swoon-y and i was like Wtffff at myself.then she cut my hair friday and we made soup together and watched a movie in my bed /sat night we did the same thing too,but yesterday we met after i finished work and hung out for a bit,went grocery shopping N i kinda realized my crush on her came and went , like i just wanted2 be alone ,thnk GOD ! 

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what about me isnt getting thru to u? 

what about me is allowing u to project so much! big warm void

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you can always come back 2 urself

i had a good day

things r quiet

Safe and good but also..new! learning!

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new way of being in the world :

talking SOSOSO much and being loud so i can figure things out and become really close w the people i love (x the amount of ppl I love by 3)

listen so closely and sensitively and attentively (i think im like this already)

add so much more !!!!!

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meaning im likely gonna be in berlin for like..8 months if everything pans out

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i have..two (tentative) jobs lined up in berlin..?

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*______*

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my teeth hurt all the time :(  too much coffee and sugar. wanna try 2 cut out sugar but idk how to stick to my guns without watching scary sugar is evil docs which is bad for my BRAIN and SELF IMAGÉ

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cam texted me last night saying he has big feelings for me andi  told him 100% the truth and i was really honest 2 myself and it felt GOOD and i think he was a littl pouty (which is a bit annoying2 me. like hes 23? 24? older than me !) 

anyways its cool to be honest and let the ppl around u know whats going on 

n i think we can b friends forreal now and thats cool