#an anxiety disorder that i Don't have. don't want to have please. i fear this.

[hurglewurm]

me: we are Not going to worsen our life while in a minor depressive episode

the brain: :/

[princesssarisa]

While looking for illustrations of John Brooke from Little Women today, I came across an article with the thesis that in Part II, John has PTSD from fighting in the Civil War, and that this is the "real" reason for the rough patches in his marriage to Meg.

I don't want to fully dismiss that headcanon. John goes to war for a year, after all, and then is wounded badly enough to be discharged. What he goes through could easily create PTSD. Besides, this is only the latest of several mental health headcanons I've read about the characters in Little Women: others include "Meg has postpartum depression after the twins are born," "Jo has ADHD or moderate bipolar disorder," and "Beth has autism, and/or Social Anxiety Disoder, and/or anorexia." Some of these I buy more easily than others, but I never mind seeing them suggested.

But at the same time, the author's support for the thesis consisted of painting all of John's behavior in Part II, and both Meg and Marmee's reactions to him, in the worst possible light. They accuse him of "insensitively" laughing at Meg about the jelly, "sulking" when she spends money beyond their means, "neglecting her" after the twins are born, etc. And they interpret Meg's eagerness to please him and fear of disappointing him, Marmee warning her about his capacity for long-lasting anger, and her anxiety about leaving him alone with the babies as "This man is a potential abuser and his wife and mother-in-law both know it and are afraid of him."

IMHO, there are so many levels of wrong in all of the above!

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that using those bad-faith readings to argue that John has PTSD has a hint of ableism. The argument is basically "John is a good, likable man in Part I, but in Part II he becomes a selfish jerk of a husband whom Meg is afraid of and always placating. PTSD can explain the change." Doesn't that reading have unfortunate implications about PTSD?

[springworms]

facets of lucifer - a devotional rambling

originally posted this to reddit, but wanted to do my part to contribute to the luciferian tag on here and see what others think.

intro (feel free to skip to list below if not interested): my own luciferian journey has been marred by the fact that i have severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, and am unable to do. basically ANYTHING spiritual without being overtaken by obsessive and all-consuming doubt and fear about everything from just being wrong to literally damning my soul to Hell (which, to be fair, i don't even particularly believe in at least in the typical culturally Christian way). seeing as theres not really any compulsions i can do to alleviate this anxiety ala handwashing or checking the lock on the front door, my main way of coping with this has been exposing myself to other's perspectives and experiences, and scouring as much historical information about the origins of Lucifer and the different cultural perspectives and characters that have contributed to His mythos. as a result of this, i've come out on the other side feeling a lot more reassured in not only my own beliefs but also a lot more open-minded in general spiritually. the fact of the matter is that not one of us will ever, ever have definitive proof of what we are experiencing or of what will happen to us or our souls after death, and i have learned to feel comfortable in that. i hope i can finally take steps to deepen my spiritual practice after this, now that my ocd has a lot less to latch onto.

so here we go, common aspects/facets/what have you of Lucifer as noted by my own experience and the experiences of others that i have read, and both some 'positive' and 'negative' domains/associations. i'll also have a section at the bottom dedicated to related separate figures commonly syncretized with or related to Lucifer that i didn't feel like reducing to facets, but please understand these are not meant as demonizations and are not meant to encourage taking these entities out of their cultural contexts.

Lucifer as lord of liberation and enlightenment: particularly derived from romantic readings of Lucifer post Paradise Lost, but i myself also find some evidence of this in the typical biblical telling of Lucifer's fall as refusing to follow an order which He felt demeaned Him and/or refusing to see Himself as lesser than God, as well as within the telling of the Serpent who gifts Eve with forbidden knowledge which frees humanity from the Garden. in this way, He becomes in my mind associated with both standing up to tyrannical rulers/institutions which seek to exert control over those they view as lesser and creating a distinct divide between greater and lesser, as well as a lord of the oppressed, the marginalized, the silenced. on the more "negative" side, He also comes to be associated with pride, unchecked ego, and a sense of self-importance which negatively impacts oneself and those around them and leads to isolation.

Lucifer-Eosphoros, celestial lord of stars: another common interpretation of Lucifer that i have seen. takes the lore of the greco-roman god Eosphoros and often seeks to reconcile it as the "true" independent origin of Lucifer as a figure within mythology. while i would argue against this, i can see why this happens as people want to point to a starting point both removed from Christianity and which they deem as authentic and similar enough to modern lore that it looks like an intentional bastardization. related to new beginnings (as the morning star rises above the horizon and guides the sun), enlightenment (literally, bringing the light of the new day), and stars. seen as a leader in His own right as Eosphoros was sometimes seen as the one who lead the Astra Planeta. frequently winged and common in manifestation to one of the Erotes, carrying a torch.

Lucifer-Eros-Phanes, manifesation of/emanation of the divine Source: an aspect i am particularly fond of as i find myself fascinated by Orphism, and the idea of gods/entities as emanations of the Source through which it can express different aspects of itself has informed a lot of my understanding of the universe. an emanation of the firstborn divine androgyne Eros-Phanes which carries the light of Their fire as a torch as a reminder of the light which They first shed upon the universe upon their birth from the cosmic egg, creating space within the primordial darkness and casting shadows from which all other things found definition and created their forms from darkness. equated with Eros as manifestation of divine procreation and desire; desire to exist, desire to create, desire for individualism and definition within the darkness. the one who inspires us to deepen our understanding of the universe and the depth of all things through association with Metis ('thought') who was consumed by them and passed to each Orphic king in succession, through which each king is driven to think, create, learn, and expand the universe as a macrocosm of the mind. winged figure standing as a manifestation of the World, entwined with a serpent, crowned in flames, cloven-hoofed. that which illuminates the darkness and things that have been hidden (whether you want to see them or not), strives to exist loudly, burning bright and driving creation forward against all else like an unstoppable freight engine.

Lucifer as divine punishment/justice: the figure of ha-Satan***** from which our common notion of Satan/the Devil who punishes sinner in Hell exists not as an independent agent of evil or chaos, but as an agent of the Source/God who punishes those who do evil, commit atrocities against others, blaspheme the heavenly and choose to remain ignorant to the divine Light/Knowledge/Doctrine/etc. even in tales of the folkloric Devil, we see those who wish for personal gain beyond what they could reasonably achieve/at the expense of others punished by this figure and left with nothing in the end, not even their souls. He who takes those who have refused to respect the divine Knowledge or have turned away from their fellow man/their own humanity and rebirths them through fire, which makes their souls clean and (hopefully) teaches lessons which they carry into their next incarnation. * i am not Jewish, and am more than open to being corrected on my knowledge of ha-Satan and their purpose within Jewish religious narrative. i am attempting to keep my description here brief both as a way of leaving room for error to be corrected, and as i do not want to assert authority over or make sweeping assumptions regarding a subject i know i could be wrong or better informed about.

Lucifer-Samyaza, lord of witches and the magical arts: the fallen lord of this world/earth, who falls in love with humanity and gifts unto them the knowledge of magic, of the herbal arts and of incantations. very alike (in my own mind) to the horned one as present within sects of Traditional Witchcraft. Samyaza is the leader of the Watcher angels in the Book of Enoch alongside Azazel, seen as a parallel to the figure of Lucifer as a fallen angel who gifts forbidden knowledge and is punished for it. i don't see a lot of recognition/talk of Samyaza within luciferian circles and i find that to be quite a shame, as i find Him such an enigmatic figure who very much fits this archetype of a folkloric devil who teaches us of and acts as a patron of the ways of witchery and initiates us into deeper knowledge of the universe.

Lucifer-Eros as lord of Venus: a syncretic appearance of Lucifer i have noticed that takes aspects of the greco-roman god Eros/Cupid. like the aforementioned Erote, acts as the manifestation of love and desire, sudden and powerful, but in more than just a romantic or sexual sense. this is the sensual, artistic Lucifer; the indulgent one who drives us to indulge in our vices, sometimes to a detrimental degree if we do not know how to discipline ourselves. patron of artists, hedonists, dreamers, lovers. the angel on your shoulder who sweet-talks you. representative of the typical aspects associated with Venus (the planet)

Lucifer-Attar, twin conterpart of Ishtar: the story of the biblical fall finds parallels within the story of Attar, who seeks to take the throne of Baal but finds Himself inadequate and so falls to become Lord of this Earth. Attar is seen as either a masculine twin or cultural equivalent to Inanna/Ishtar/Astarte, so in this form He takes on many of the qualities commonly ascribed to Ishtar - war, fertility, divine justice, and the like. but from the many different forms of Attar across neighboring cultures, we can find many different associations which see Him as holding very powerful domains: to the Armaeans He was called Attar of the Heavens, who fertilized the earth below with rain and held dominance over lightning, storms and moisture; similarly, the ancient peoples of South Arabia saw Him as a lord of rain and thunder while still holding providence over the planet Venus, and a hunter for whom ritual hunts were performed, with Him at one point perhaps even replacing the former supreme god of the pantheon; and to the kingdom of Aksum He held dominion over the sun and the moon, cementing Him as a deity with heavy cosmological influence.

Lucifer, draconic angel/peacock angel: another form of Lucifer which mixes elements of the biblical angel, the Red Dragon, and esoteric appearances of Lucifer within modern grimoires and strains of TradCraft. cannot be entirely separated from the Yazidi Melek-Taus, as their imagery and lore are incredibly similar, but i am personally against solidly equating the two or using the name Melek-Taus as the Yazidis have long faced persecution and genocide for what has been viewed as “devil worship”. whether they are syncretic figures able to be recognized across cultures is one thing, but using a distinctly cultural name is outside of my comfort zone just in an effort to remain respectful and not contribute to further demonization.

Lucifer, leader of demonized gods/possible fae king???: while i’m still looking into this particular facet of Lucifer myself, i find a great similarity between Him and the figure of the Fae King from certain TradCraft circles. it is common knowledge that many (though not all) Goetic demons are either demonized versions of ancient pagan gods or at least take inspiration from them, and in the view of Lucifer as ruler of Hell He becomes either a leader of or at least the “face” of these demonized gods, in the same way that so many gods across different cultures only had their lore survive through equation with the Devil after Christianization. following this, as many land spirits, fae and other equivalents across many cultures were reduced to demons, so the god(s) who lead them were often equated to the Devil; we can see this in entities such as Gwyn ap Nudd, who becomes reduced to the Devil and whose court becomes all the demons of Hell who God traps within His form. add in the underworld associations of Lucifer along with the fact that some cultures viewed fae-like spirits as either equivalent to the souls of the dead OR their realms being equated to the Realm of the Dead under the Earth, and i think it touched on an interesting mask of Lucifer as leader of the fae, who lured those not wise or respectful into their trap, but can make a beneficial ally to the learned practitioner. Hell as a fae realm is certainly a weird, if intriguing way to think of it.

Noctifer/ the "dark Lucifer": finishing this off with the aspect of Lucifer that i am least familiar with, a dark and solemn figure who walks the line between life and death and lives in the shadow of the moon. He who is intimately familiar with death, night, terror and things hidden under cover of darkness. an angel of death not too unlike figures such as Azrael or Samael*. the black church grim walking the graveyard, the vulture by the side of the road, the psycopomp of lost souls.

and to end things off, a few figures that i have seen equated/associated with Lucifer in one way or another, whether i personally agree with them or not:

getting this out of the way first, Enki: i can completely see where one can draw this conclusion based on similarities between the devil as lord of magic, mischief, intelligence and as acting "in opposition" to a lord of light (Enlil). however, i think it very important that we as a community acknowledge that a lot of those who take fondness of this theory are either a part of or are inspired by JoS, and i think as torchbearers of illumination it is our duty to rid our circles of neo-Nazis and others who knowingly preach ignorance. then, and only then, do i think we can begin approaching this syncretism and discussing in without inadvertently feeding into doctrine written by antisemitic dickheads. luciferian circles have an awful problem with antisemitism, white nationalism and bigotry in general that i think needs to be urgently addressed by all of us. we could all stand to turn the mirror on ourselves and see what prejudices we are carrying, consciously and unconsciously.

Azazel: while i am inclined to view Azazel as a separate figure within a sort-of luciferian "pantheon" so-to-speak, He has been historically equated with Lucifer in the same way Beelzebub has as just an alternative name, and many people still see Him as another name or title of Lucifer within luciferian circles today.

Dionysos: having formerly been one of a Dionysian focus within my practice, i find the parallels between Dionysos and Lucifer to be incredibly intriguing and not nearly talked of enough, both as a god in His own right and through His Orphic association with Phanes. a lord of masks (deception), leader of cults (mostly consisting of women and other marginalized people) which reveled in blood, ecstatic ritual and trance; a horned god with underworld associations; lord of rebirth and patron of initiation into the mysteries. i could go on, but i also just think its really fun to research Dionysos as more than just "god of parties and wine" - He has so, so much more depth, both mythological and esoteric.

Samael*: seen as a punishing angel of death who acts through the will of the Source/God, frequently paired with Lilith, often equated with the Serpent and variously called a "satan". while i can see a lot of similarities between Samael and the Noctifer aspect, i once again am not Jewish and cannot speak authoritatively on the subject. while i have seen arguments of Samael's mention among the watchers within the Book of Enoch, i have yet to see any proof of this myself other than as a mistranslation/misspelling of one of the watchers names, so i'm going to err on the side of respect and say that i am personally not comfortable taking a culturally Jewish figure as a part of my practice.

Quetzalcoatl*: admittedly i am also not nearly educated enough to make sweeping assumptions about a figure from a culture i am unfamiliar with, but i felt inclined to include Him if for nothing else than that i have frequently seen the two compared. this is not at all meant as a demonization of Quetzalcoatl, but simply acknowledging that others have found similarities. i am more than open to critique by any pagans more knowledgeable on Mesoamerican mythology and culture, and do not mean to speak for them. i recommend r/Anahuac for some more educated voices.

Shamash/Utu: a new one i am looking into and am putting into as a footnote for anyone who may have more ideas. i believe i read of this syncretization in a Michael Howard book, but the gist of my understanding is the solar associations, being a twin of Ishtar and being intimately associated with Divine Justice.

[aoi1dee]

Alexander (Alex) Morello :D

Ah yes here is my very handsome olnf MC

also...

HIP HIP HOORAYYY 101 FOLLOWERS tysm <3333

okay now here he is...

This is Alex in step 1 !! he is a very shy and fear filled kid. Basically anything can make him overthink and believe bad things are going to happen. He's been like this since he was just a little boy :(

His fears also causes his social anxiety. If someone looks at him the wrong way, he's already walking away as fast as he can with watery eyes because he believes that that person hates him. Because of this, he grew up having a hard time making friends + no one really wanted to be his friend. According to other kids, "he is super weird and too much to handle. I don't want him clinging onto me when he's scared"

No one (not even his own mama) knows why he is afraid of everything he doesn't even know himself. Alexander wishes that he could be able to do fun things like all the other kids and not have his brain tell him all of the things that could go wrong.

Though when he meets Qiu and Tamarack, something flips in him. Though he is still scared of doing anything, he is willing to get over those fears if either one of them wants him to do it. He wants to make his two new (and first) friends happy!

(here is the full body design)

moving onto step 2...

Thanks to his two besties (and crushes) Alex is finally able to do the stuff he always wanted to do! Like go skateboarding by himself or order himself food at a restaurant (even though it takes him a little bit) But sadly that doesn't mean that those thoughts are still there. They are.

Alexander and his Ma were finally able to put a name to why he feels like everything is out to get him.. Anxiety~ So all of those thoughts about "what if this happens" "or what if I do this" are still there but they don't affect him as much as they used to.

Because of this, Alex was able to find some things that he was into. He realized that he really loved films and wanted to make some himself! He has a current obsession with horror movies though. If you asked him how many times he has watched Scream he wouldn't be able to tell you. (because he is embarrassed about how many times he has watched it.) But he has also taken Bass guitar lessons! He carries his bass guitar around everywhere (even if he doesn't need it).

As he grew older though, certain things start to bother him. He is always comparing himself to others. While his two neighbors have perfectly clear skin, his face his covered in acne. The way he walks is weird, the way he talks his weird. Everything about him is weird according to his own mind. He's just never pleased with himself. Even after all of these years, the thoughts about wanting to be normal still torture him. Why does he have to have anxiety? Why does he still have trouble with talking to others?

All of those thoughts fly away as soon as he talks to Qiu and Tam. He still will do anything for them but those feelings when he was younger starting growing into actual teenage crushes. Every single thing that those two will do can make his face turn red. Both of them are just so pretty!

here is the full body drawing of alex...

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ah yes.. if you compared Alex when he is 18 to Alex when he was 10 there was an absolute clear difference between them.

As Alex grew even older and went through those high school years, he was finally diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder and is taking meds for it!! Now that his anxiety is finally at bay he started to realize a couple of things.. Why should he care about what other people think? Why does he have to dress for other people? Why was he afraid to be himself?

Though it took a little bit, Alex started to actually find himself. He already knew that he wanted to go to school for film and that he liked to play bass. But! He finally got the strength to join a band as their lead singer and bass guitarist! Even though this band is only planning on staying in Golden Grove, Alex is super proud of himself that he is doing this anyways.

Because of Alex slowly growing to be more confident about himself, it started to be seen by other people too. Other people started to see how beautiful Alex really is and he started to see it to!

And something extra funny, his personality ended up being a copycat of his Ma's. After being total best friends with his Ma his entire life, he ended up becoming exactly like his Mama with the way he stands, the way he talks, just anything is exactly like his Ma. (Though he is still a little shy)

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That's my MC!! If you made it this far tysm!! And I'm so sorry if it was difficult to read I was spilling all of this from my head to this post lol.

Byebye!!!

[deconstructivesurgery]

my number one character pet peeve and also something that pisses me off in real life too is the fact that i need some of you to understand that you can have an anxiety disorder and still be a massive cunt. or be a very nervous person: who is also a horrible person. you can have anxiety, paranoia, etc. or just generally be a nervous person and also be Reactive instead of shy, reserved, and like quiet anxious. these things don't come with a set morality or mode of expression. this isn't meant to be a huge rant about like the real world ways in which people infantilize the mere concepts of anxiety disorders etc. etc. it's mostly specifically right now me just saying this about every fictional character who has ever gotten weewoo'd into an uwu small socially awkward nervous bean when it's just like. that is a guy in his 30s who seems anxious and nervous and awkward in a "quirky" way i guess who also absolutely does not care that he nearly killed somebody. he has done do before and honestly didn't respond all that much asides from feeling bad for himself over it. that is not your little meow meow that's too awkward and shy to ask for pickles or whatever. here's another guy: he's got bad paranoia and he responds to that with vitriolic, reactive anger and defensiveness rather than quiet, reserved, shaky avoidance. that is Not a sad trembling wet rat of a man, thank you, that title is reserved for sopping beasts of misery. he's not miserable and tired scared, he's fuck-it-we-ball scared. please begin comprehending immediately that people's responses to fear (and what is anxiety, paranoia or 'nerves' if not fear) exist differently and that not everyone who deals with any of the above has the exact same brand of like, shy quiet avoidant response to fear. I'm so not making sense but it's one of those like fan writing things I want to complain about because it's like 8am and I haven't slept. sometimes being too scared of everything can and will make you an asshole and i know this because (flashes you my mental illness badge as a qualification) i know

[charlottecutepie]

☥ Bunny meat (William Afton x fem!reader x Michael Afton)

Summary: He was a likeable middle-aged man who had wonderful children, his dream job and a beautiful wife. He never blamed himself for his own actions, or to be more exact, he never thought about their consequences.

author notes: thank u so much guys for supporting my story, means a lot to me! <3 have some Michael in this chap, we get closer to some spicy things :)

tags: darkfic, unhealthy relationship, angst, smut with plot, p in v, dubcon, oral sex, rough and gentle sex, daddy kink, blood play, knife play, fear play, hurt/comfort, violence, gore/murders, child abuse, follows fnaf lore, moral and physical abuse, virginity kink, anxiety disorder, age gap, daddy issues, unreliable narrator, hallucinations, hidden pairing, William is sick, psychopathy, unhealthy narcissism

Chapter 4

Chapter 3. Carelessness

“But isn't Mrs. Afton waiting for you at home?” you asked awkwardly, swaying from one foot to the other.

“I warned her that I would be late,” he went into the kitchen of the house, looking around. “she's used to it.”

What's wrong with him? Why is he so cold towards his own wife?

“As i understand, after the death of your father, your mother still found a job?” he asked, brazenly sitting down at the table, as if it was his house. “I always knew she was a strong woman.”

You nodded nervously and smiled, still standing in the hallway. You wanted to show your hospitality, as your mother raised you, but for some reason you movements were hampered by annoying anxiety. In fact, you were also terribly tired after a such evening, but somehow you didn't want to leave Afton alone, and besides, that's not how your mother taught you, you need to show politeness.

“Maybe tea?” you blurted out.

William immediately turned his head at you, surprised at such cute initiative.

“I wouldn't mind.” overcoming fear, you went into the kitchen, pouring water into the kettle. You put it on the stove. Time passed agonizingly long, the silence between the two of you was horrible. “How are you doing with school? How are the exams?”

“Everything's fine, I passed the exams perfectly.” finally the kettle boiled. “What kind of tea will you have?”

“Green, please.” you nodded and put the tea to brew. When everything was ready, you served a hot drink on the table, sitting down opposite Afton. He continued to ask questions related to your studies and further plans for the future. To some extent, you were grateful to him, his voice, questions, moralizing about the future, all this helped to distract from unnecessary thoughts. “You know, Y/n… you are a very beautiful girl.”

“Thank you, Mr. Afton.” hot tea scalded your throat, just like his words.

“No need for such formalities. Just call me William.” Afton smiled slightly, getting up from the table, heading in your direction. You don't know what drove you, but all the fear and anxiety were replaced by curiosity about his next actions, maybe it was alcohol you drank at your bday? “It's so nice to see how you turned from a cute little girl into a beautiful young lady.” the kitchen became stuffy, unbearably hot. You felt dizzy, but not because of the high temperature of the air, no. Because of his compliments. “Such… Silky hair, delicate features…”

His words don't cause disgust or antipathy, on the contrary — you want him to continue praising you. You want to lose myself in this gentle flattery.

“I appreciate your words.” you answered timidly, getting up from the table and going to the sink. William was standing next to you all this time, leaning on the kitchen counter, watching you wash the mugs.

“Surprises don't end there.” he purred, already behind your back. His voice sent goosebumps all over your body. “I wanted to give you this one personally.” with these words, he put a cute necklace on your neck.

…

Around five in the morning, Mr. Afton returned to his house. Getting out of the car, he looked at the seat where you was sitting and smiled.

Mrs. Afton was in the living room, she was sitting on the couch watching TV, the woman's eyes were sleepy, and she herself was falling into a doze. From the sound of the open front door, she instantly cheered up and went out into the hallway to her husband.

“Hi, you're a little late this time.” Clara spoke.

“Sorry,” he muttered, not even looking at her. He walked into the living room, falling wearily onto the sofa. “just some problems with animatronics.”

The blonde woman sat down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Michael and Elizabeth are sleeping…” she whispered softly, looking up at her husband. William put his arm around her, his gaze going somewhere past the TV. The woman's arms wrapped around his neck and she reached out for a kiss. Afton behaved insensitively, doing almost nothing in response and showing no initiative. Clara pulled away, her lips going down to the man's chin and neck.

“Clara, not now.” he was off and rude, Afton removed his wife's hands from his neck and got up from the sofa. “I'm going to rest, I'm pretty exhausted, it's been a long day.” he said dryly and disappeared from her field of vision.

…

July 16.

Finally, you and Michael got to hang out. However, Elizabeth wanted to go with you too, she tearfully asked her brother to take her with him. Gritting his teeth, he did it, otherwise he would have received a scolding from his mother.

“Y/n, did you bring a swimsuit?” Michael asked, spreading a blanket on the bank of the river.

“Mmm… no, you didn't say we were going to swim.” you answered, taking out some fruits and a bottle of orange juice from your backpack.

“Well, that's even better.” Michael grinned, you only rolled your eyes at him. Yeah, now it's clear why they say that girls are smarter than boys.

You sat down next to the river, enjoying the beauty around. The singing of birds and buzzing of bees, boundless blue sky, bright sun and green forest nearby created an incredibly cozy atmosphere. You lay on your stomach, trying to finish reading your favorite book, while Michael was telling you about his adventures again. You and him are absolute opposites. He is a sunny, active, curious guy, who loves to skip school and cheat on school tests. And you're a quiet, shadow girl who always gets A's. But something about this guy interested you, no, it wasn't a crush, but he was always so lively, so positive that it couldn't help but cause a smile.

Elizabeth was somewhere nearby, playing in the water.

Michael called your name, but it looks like you were too immersed in the plot of the story.

“Hey!” he playfully took the book away from you, showing you his tongue in a teasing manner. “Give it back!”

“Catch me!” with a laugh, he rushed away to the river.

Michael had nothing to lose, because he wasn't interested in such a hobby as reading, and he was dressed in a t-shirt and shorts, and it was so hot outside that his clothes would have dried in literally an hour.

“Michael, give me the book!”

“And where is the magic word?” he kept teasing you.

You got angry when you realized that you could play with him like that for an eternity, and it wouldn't do any good. Michael was already knee-deep in water, you took off your sneakers, throwing them and socks somewhere to the side. A little more, and you will take away your book, but at some point everything went wrong, the bottom of the river was slippery because of the clay, you couldn't stand on your feet as you fell into the water. The whole situation was so absurd that it didn't cause anger, but on the contrary — laughter and fun. You pulled Michael's leg, and he fell into the water after you. Elizabeth laughed watching you.

Teenage foolishness knows no bounds, you and Michael were carelessly splashing in warm water. You completely forgot about the raw book that was floating somewhere on the surface next to you.

“Mikey, it's getting dark, I'm cold.”

All wet, cold, but happy, you were sitting on a blanket, enjoying a bright summer sunset. The sun was sinking smoothly below the horizon, dusk was approaching.

“Take my hoodie,” Michael took clothes out of his backpack, handing them to Elizabeth. “Y/n, and what time do you need to be home?”

“I don't know, but definitely not by one o'clock in the morning.” you laughed, Michael jokingly pushed you in the shoulder. “What are your plans for the rest of the summer?”

“Spend it with you, of course.” he giggled, but when he saw your serious look, he froze. “Oh, well, actually none. Only to help father in the pizzeria…”

You sighed, watching the last warm rays of the sun. With the onset of darkness, the wind and cold came. You hugged your shoulders to keep warm.

Michael's gaze by accident fell on the halo of your nipples, which hardened from the cold air. He blushed, scolding himself for his own stupid thoughts, but his hormones are boiling like mad.

“Y/n, I …” Michael began, but immediately regretted, because of the embarrassment his voice sounded so ridiculous. He moved closer to you. Elizabeth was snoring sweetly, wrapped up in his hoodie. “I wanted to say that…”

“Michael? Henry told me you were at the pizzeria with him.”

Michael's eyes widened with fear, Elizabeth instantly woke up, turning her head to her father. Afton was standing right behind you with his hands on his hips. How could you not hear the sounds of his footsteps and car?

[morskisir]

The public is VERY interested in your Sniper thoughts. Please, I need them. Phobias? Eating habits? Can he dance? *Should* he? Is he aware when he makes direct eye contact he looks scary af? Is he good at poker or does he not even play?

You are one of my strongest followers o7 THANK YOU FOR THE QUESTIONS!!! I will answer them all individually below.

Phobias?

If we're talking about proper phobias and not fears in general, then he doesn't really have any? UNLESS you count social phobia, which, yeah, he's got that. (I would like to clarify social phobia and social anxiety disorder are different things but he's got both of them, so.)

Social phobia is like, specific social situations that will continuously bring you anxiety/fear. The shit that will have him shaking every single time is a person genuinely trying to get to know him. Even a simple question such as "What's your favourite colour?" could set him off into a state of anxiousness. He LOATHES conversations like that, he wants to be left alone, he's not anyone you should pay attention to, he's not interested in doing this, go away. His fear of being known past the point of "professional assassin" is deep and greatly impacts his life. What the fuck are social relationships am I right?

Another social situation would be: phone calls! You can imagine how nice it is for him to only be able to call his parents when he isn't visiting them at their home in Oz. <3 It's the fear of I cannot see this person and I don't know how they're really reacting to this. He already isn't the best at reading people's faces, phone calls are just another level of hell.

2. Eating habits?

MEAT. MEEEAAAAT- if he could get away with only eating meat the rest of his life he fucking would. Alas, meat doesn't give your body all of the fuel it needs. Heartbreaking. (Not for me I dislike meat sdgkhdskg)

He will still insist on having meat in every fucking meal, and do not, do NOT make a steak that isn't at least a little bit raw. This guy's an animal. Give him his blue steak or he'll think your cooking is shit.

Anyways, I wouldn't say he eats a lot. He eats enough, I guess. Cunt's just running on a lot of coffee + a couple of cigarettes. He's more addicted to caffeine than tobacco.

3. Can he dance?

No. I don't know if Australian schools did this, let alone in his time, but if they did: he would skip every single P.E. class where they would do dancing instead of just chucking some ball around. He is SCARED he doesn't want to be in such close proximity with someone else hksdgkj (except Spy) (who said that) He doesn't have interest in learning how to dance, either. If he's drunk and you somehow get him to dance you'll see a horrible, non-existent dance move.

4. Should he?

No. Spy would beg to differ.

5. Is he aware when he makes direct eye contact he looks scary as fuck?

Yes and no. When he stares at someone on purpose to scare them away- it works! It's reliable! He's aware of the power that stare holds! He just doesn't realise he kind of always looks like that. The Stare(tm) is simply even more intense. There is a great darkness in his eyes........... /ref

6. Is he good at poker or does he not even play?

He can play it! He's only really decent at it- it's not his thing. Only really learned how to play it through peer pressure. (there is lore to this, but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

Scout begs Sniper to play with him and he very begrudgingly accepts because no one else does hdsghj. He is very bored and would rather read his tracking books, but he cannot escape the ADHD. (You call out the smallest act of sympathy he just did and he'll beat the shit out of you)

^ Scout when he wants to play poker

[euniexenoblade]

I’m absolutely terrified of being trans. I’m definitely trans but I’m also autistic and have an anxiety disorder. So despite the fact that I desperately want to start hrt I’m paralysed by fear. I know it’s a lot to ask but please force fem me. I need someone to push me past the fear and you’re such an inspiration for me I thought I’d ask…

Come over.

Realistically I know that's super hard to get around. Someone very dear to me is autistic and has anxiety stuff, but one day she just sorta did it and it all clicked into place. I am lightly urging you to go for it, lightly cuz I don't want you to feel forced, do it at your pace. But I want you to know it's out there for you 💜

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I told my online friend that they embarrass me?

Note that I love my friend. It's more complicated than the title suggests And no it isn't bait!

So, I (20X) have a few profiles on social media. My online friend (22X) follows me everywhere with the same account. We've been friends for a very long time

Their account is cringe. Easiest way to describe it. They've had it ever since they were a kid, it has that horrible uwu humor from the mid 2010s all over it, old fanart, old fics, "cursed" fandoms, you name it. They've linked every other account they've ever had so there's even more stuff. It's exactly what you'd expect from someone who's really into fandom and has been using the same account for the past decade

Let me be clear! Being cringe isn't bad, if anything long live cringe and having fun. I'm no stranger to it, we literally share the same interests and I contributed to half the things on their account. Even if I keep my online and private life separate I don't think it's bad to do otherwise

I'm glad they're more immune to cringe culture than I am and I don't want them to be like me. This embarrassment is my issue, I care too much about people's opinions, I know that. That's why I'm trying to fix it! And ironically it's where the problems start

I want to get over my fear of showing my drawings to people I know IRL. I decided to make a private account for my IRL friends to follow and select what to post so I can get used to it bit by bit. Exposure therapy basically

I know it sounds stupid but I have diagnosed social anxiety and for me it's a really big deal. I can barely cope with this much. Please don't mistake it as a chronically online issue, it's happening online simply because it's easier for me but it affects my life in many ways as a disorder does. I'm just trying to step out of my comfort zone in my own terms through something I'm passionate about

I invited my online friend because I love them and I appreciate their support. But again they use that same account for everything and they'll use it to interact with me. I know my IRL friends will see it, and they'll probably see our shitty old fanfics and cursed collab fandom posts where I'm clearly involved. That's not stepping out of my comfort zone in my own terms anymore

This is stopping me from posting anything or let my IRL friends know about the account. I want to try and figure something out with my friend, but if I confront them it'll come across as "you're embarrassing me" no matter how I word it. I don't want to come up with a lie or block them from my profile without explanation because that feels even worse

What are these acronyms?

[flooftyfizzlebeans]

Theory on why we headcanon specific characters as trans more often than others, using the Fizzlebeans as evidence.

Identity based character arcs vs... other stuff based character arcs.

Warning this is EXTREMELY LONG

Starting by analyzing Floofty, as they are my expertise.

Floofty is a scientist with no help, no funding, and ambitious plans. They come across as cold and uncaring, when in reality much of their shortsightedness comes from caring too much. Not for those closest to them directly, of course. But the greater good, and grumpuskind as a whole.

Their previous line of work suggests that when they had more resources, they spent more time helping individuals. Making prosthetics is a HIGHLY variable process, each individual limb that needs one being EXTREMELY different, even on the same person. Therefore they would need to be attentive towards individuals by necessity, even when making scientific breakthroughs. I don't think they'd have amazing bedside manner but I only bring this up to stress that Floofty is capable and willing to care for others should the situation call for it. However, they probably don't feel like they can afford to care after the events that cost them.... everything.

I assume they got their awesome career position through work during school, proving themself academically in a way that their.... abrasive characteristics wouldn't interfere with. Now that they have nothing, they're trying to get it back the same way they got it, by proving themself through actions.... but who they are and how people perceive them is directly responsible for their lack of help on Snaktooth. Actually, who they are likely made it near impossible to rebuild their reputation when inevitably grumps will think they are either chopping test subjects up to make murder machines or a confidentiality liability. They think their work should speak for itself, and who they are shouldn't matter. (They might even believe that they don't matter. It's already clear that their work is worth more to them than their own life.)

Realizing what they mean to others, who they could be to them when they let go of the big picture importance, and how they can help like they so desperately want to is integral to saving them. Let them forget that they are in fact, a grumpus, the very thing they want to save, and they might as well become what they study. Bugsnax.

...

Snorpy, however, as I've stated, is pretty much the opposite. Where Floofty rejects themself, Snorpy protects himself.... prepare for a staggeringly less complete analysis thanks to Not Literally Being Snorpy. Snorpies and Snorpy experts in the notes please contribute.

Snorpy is an engineer whose inventions are held in great esteem in Snaxburg, and yet he believes the world is out to get him. (By the world I mean... the grumpinati) The grumpinati is, in fact, not out to get him, and it takes incredible amounts of jumping to conclusions fueled by intense fear for anyone to shrink their world that small.

It's implied by his previous work that he was previously much more capable of... interacting with the public? being seen? than he is now. Like I mentioned, constructing prosthetics requires a lot of individual time and care, and a lot of interacting with many different grumpuses. But now? He is driven by fear. I can't even blame him, he's clearly deeply traumatized. How would you feel if your life's work was taken and warped for something you found cruel and evil all while you still depended on them for your livelihood? And you already probably had some sort of anxiety disorder?

Moving on, he is actually able to work perfectly fine. In fact, nearly every grumpus is seen using something he invented at least once? Despite inventions like The Knife Shot and flammable tripwire moments he's well liked by the town and everyone trusts his work to... work. But he's so absorbed by his own perceptions that it's impossible for him to take praise or even socialize without suspicion.

Even the relationship he holds most dear, and integral to what we call "Snorpy" is up in the air for him. I can only imagine he didn't ask for clarification or confess to his romantic feelings towards Chandlo out of fear. Fear of what exactly I can't say, as it's probably every possible factor that that course of action would change.

And... well. His main problem is never solved. Shelda is right, he needs therapy. Extensive therapy. But... he still improves. Part of why he does all of this is to protect Chandlo, and hide all of this from him... but after fighting Daddy Cakelegs it becomes a lot more clear to Snorpy that Chandlo is trying to protect him and knows a lot more than he gives him credit for. He's a lot closer to and more equal to Snorpy. Snorpy doesn't have to spend and sacrifice every fiber of his being to the bugsnax to protect who he loves.

That being said, who he is has nothing to do with his character arc. He's Snorpy, he's a nerd, he is an engineer. None of this is brought into question. Floofty's very status of "grumpus" is called into question through their experiments. (on an esoteric level. kinda. bugsnax are weird.)

What they share is their interactions with other grumpuses and how important actually letting themselves connect with others is... but that's something Everyone shares at least a little.

How does this relate to transgender headcanons? Floofty's arc features their identity very heavily, and calling the identity of the self into question is extremely transgender. Sometimes the definition of transgender. At the very least, a part of the process. (everyone is different)

That's why I think Shelda, Chandlo, and Wiggle are so popular for trans headcanons despite not necessarily doing anything outside their gender's norms. Their arcs heavily have to do with who they are and how their actions reflect that. Gramble and Triffany have a little bit of this but I can't rule out their gender non-comformity as the reason.

Of course, everyone is transgender to at least one person in the fandom because there's nothing proving anyone is cis and this fandom is very very queer.

[kiragecko]

My son has OCD. Worrying about moral contamination - that by being associated with people who do or think wrong things we become bad - is extremely similar to scrupulosity - an OCD sympton where someone experiences great anxiety about becoming bad by thinking bad things. I don't want that for you guys.

I worry about those of you caught up in purity culture. You guys don't deserve the fear and anxiety being pushed on you. You are not forever tainted by reblogging a post by a bad person, no matter how people around you react. Using the wrong words doesn't make you cruel. Thinking "bad" erotic thoughts doesn't make you disgusting.

You don't have to be perfect all the time. Mistakes are okay. Having flaws isn't unforgiveable - in fact, everyone has them.

We need to think gross, uncomfortable thoughts sometimes. Sometimes its because they confuse us and we need to figure out what's going on. Sometimes it's because we're afraid of doing them accidentally, so we need to understand why they happen. Sometimes its because we're actually trying to understand something else, and our brain latched on to this weird thing as a good mirror for exploring it. There are so many reasons!

Please, treat yourself lovingly. I'm watching my son suffer, and it's so hard for him. He's got mean brain chemistry fighting him, don't willingly put that pain on yourself! It's so much harder to get out of these thought patterns than to get in!

Your thoughts do not make you evil. The people you interact with do not make you evil. Surrounding yourself with cruel people, or fixating on evil thoughts, can influence your actions. But it is your actions and intentions that define you.

Be gentle with yourself.

-

PS. OCD is NOT a moral failing or a bad choice. It is an awful mental disorder that, similarly to my anxiety disorder, makes life harder and SUCKS. I'm bringing in the comparison because people seem to be purposefully training themselves into some of the nastiest thought patterns, and then thinking they've done the right thing. It's the lies that are the problem, not the people!

[dreamscapesofimagination]

I Can't Stop You From Running

Reminder: Chapter 1 of "The Good, The Bad, The Dirty" is out on Wattpad today! It is a detroit:become human fanfiction with Connor x human reader. You don't really need to know the game to check it out, please just give it a chance, DBH is my FAVORITE game of all time and I adore connor! was listening to Save My Soul by Jonah Kagen while writing this! I've been very busy and have also bren struggling mentally. I'm fine, I've had MDD and panic disorder for years and have a great support system, great meds, and have learned to handle them well. Due to the election results and now the inauguration I spiraled a bit and so all my extra energy went into getting myself back on track. Hoping to post more frequently!

Inspired by: the hands that cradled your face and tilted it upwards to kiss your forehead are soaked in unfathomable quantities of blood.

I don't know where the original is from, but it inspired me as I imagine even when displaying softness Alan can't help but think of what he's done.

--------------

You weren't sure why you had done it.

Your finger had clicked the 'call' button before your brain had slowed down enough to process what you were doing.

The images from your dream- your nightmare- rushed through your head, a kicked dog chasing its own tail again. And again. And again.

The ringing only caused your heart to hammer faster, and you quickly hit the end button.

Stupid, of course he wouldn't answer. It was two am, he was sleeping.

Your eyes focused on the shadows dancing through the window. Sleep was far from your mind, closer to an anxiety attack than sweet dreams.

What would they do when you became a Kyklos? Would they imprison you, study you? You figured Yuri would have few qualms about it, your only comfort being that Jiro seemed to like you enough to care.

And how would they react? Would they mourn? Would they move on, chalk you up as another casualty to be recorded as a statistic, lumped in with all the others studied in Anomalous Epidemiology?

A spike of cold fear stabbed through you as your phone rang.

You scrambled, grabbing it and answering.

"Hello?" Breath rushed from your body at the sound of Alan's voice.

"Hi, um. Sorry if I woke you, I just..." you squeezed your eyes shut in embarrassment, "I had a bad dream and uh. I just... needed to hear someone's voice."

A beat of silence had a whole new type of anxiety clawing up your throat. What the fuck were you doing?

"I was up anyway, couldn't sleep..." Alan's voice trailed off for a moment as if he were searching for something to say.

"I'm doing some paperwork. If you want you could come here?" his voice peaked in uncertaintly.

You found yourself nodding, though he couldn't see you.

"Yeah, I think I'd like that."

And so a routine was set. When you had a nightmare, you would call Alan. You discovered he seemed to sleep very little. He was doing paperwork, working out, working on a car, or watching old movies when you called.

He never pressed. Never asked you to tell him what terrors were haunting your sleep. Just quietly accepted your presence, allowed you the space to feel better. Before you knew it, you started falling asleep curled up on an old chair he had in his room.

He never pressed, never touched you. His presence was quiet, reliable- safe.

This night you were sat beside him as some old american movie played on the screen before you.

Tonight it was harder to shake the dread that had woken you.

You could sense the concern from all around you. You could see the paleness to your face, the dark circles beneath your eyes, the bitten cuticles, limp hair. Anyone who saw you would know you hadn't been sleeping much.

You worried the skin of your lower lip, gaze going through the television and beyond.

Alan could tell you were not there beside him.

"I get them too."

His voice was like a lighthouse, leading you safely from the storm of your thoughts, back to the safe harbour that was the space beside him.

You blinked at him, "what?"

He glanced at you before turning his gaze back to the tv.

"Nightmares. Most nights they wake me up. Hard to sleep when I know that I'll have one."

Your eyes dropped to your hands. Silence lapsed.

And then-

"I think I'm seeing what's going to happen to me."

Alan turned his head to watch you carefully.

"What do you mean?"

"I feel myself change in the dreams. I feel the most unimaginable pain, and before I know it I'm no longer in control of myself. It's like-" your voice cracked, tears falling before you had realized they had gathered in your eyes, "-it's like my soul is paralyzed, like my body was hijacked. I see the people I care about staring, screaming. And then I see their corpses. And I know, I know that I did it. I killed them."

Your chest heaved a sob as Alan stared at you.

And then you felt him shift.

He tentatively pulled you toward himself, wrapping you up in his arms, body stiff against you as if he was unsure what he was doing.

You gripped his shirt. allowing yourself to break apart. Weeks of little sleep and intense fear had made you fragile, and here you were, falling to pieces.

Feeling safe to do so because you knew Alan was there, and Alan was good at fixing things. He would piece you together again.

He held you as you cried. He never said it would be okay. He didn't speak.

After that night, much of your time was spent at Vagastrom. Other students noticed that something was different between you and the captain. Whispers sprang up, and try as you might, it was hard to deny that the air between you was different. Despite the way you both spent much of the night together, and how once quiet comraderie had become quiet talks about anything and everything (though you both avoided bringing up your nightmares again)- you would not admit how you felt, too afraid to lose the fragile friendship you had built, to scare Alan away.

You had gotten pretty good at ignoring the way your heart hammered everytime you saw Alan, as if it were trying to break free from your chest and fly to his hands, knowing it would be safe with him. Knowing it was his.

There wasn't enough time for that, anyway. The way things were going, your curse would not be lifted. Getting all of the ghouls to cooperate was akin to herding cats- though even that would be easier given the intelligence of the campus cats.

It was hard to blame them. They each had their own pasts, and had their own ambitions. You found it odd that your fate had been placed in their hands anyway- were the faculty incapable of figuring this out? More and more you expected that saving you was not the goal of Darkwick, as if they had a vested interest in you becoming a Kyklos.

You turned to your side, trying to force the thought from your mind.

Tonight, Alan had to go on a mission. You had been assigned to assist Yuri in an experiment- which had turned into Yuri ordering you and Jiro to collect some specimen from Jabberwock (much to the dismay of Haru, though he seemed a bit happier when Jiro mentioned that they just needed a blood sample, and had no intention of harming the creature). By the end of the day you were tired, irate, and thinking about how much you would like to wring Yuri's neck. You had looked forward to crawling into bed and sleeping, nightmares be damned.

And yet, sleep would not come.

Your fingers twiddled at a loose string on your blanket as you stared into the room, begging your brain to shut down for the night.

Groaning, you sat up, accepting that you were unlikely to sleep for the forseable future. You padded down the stairs, deciding that maybe a cup of tea would help your mind quiet.

Your eyes stared listlessly at the electric kettle as it boiled.

A knock at the door broke your disassociation, a startled yelp leaving your lips before your heart settled.

With quiet steps you krept to the door, opening it and gasping as you took in the ghoul before you.

Alan was disheveled, and covered in blood. Blood that you assumed was not his due to the lack of any major visible wounds.

He stared at you for a moment, jaw working as if he were trying to say something, eyes wide like a frightened animal.

Your hand grasped his, feeling the blood stain as you pulled him inside.

He put up no resistance, seeming to deflate once he crossed the threshold.

Wordlessly, you led him to the bathroom. You unbuttoned his vest, tossing the stained article into the tub before doing the same with his shirt.

You turned the sink on, wetting a cloth once it was warm and beginning to run it over his bloodied knuckles.

All the while, Alan watched. Your only sign that he was coming back to himself was the slowing of his breaths.

And finally, "I don't deserve you."

It was quiet, as if to himself.

You paused, watching him carefully, holding still as if he would dart at any moment, sink into himself and draw away from you.

His eyes finally rose to you, meeting your gaze with his own, empty devastation behind lifeless amber eyes.

"I'm... I'm not good," he choked out, staring at you, unblinking.

"All I can do is hurt," Alan shifted to move away from you, pull his hands away.

You tightened your grip, and the ghoul froze, as if he didn't have the strength to pull away.

Showing you how little he actually wanted to leave.

It was the first time you had seen Alan look so fragile, as if he would crumble at the slightest brush of wind. Fall apart at your voice.

"Alan," your voice was gentle, carefully drawing him back, back to you, away from the doubts that plagued him.

"You are the one who comforted me every night, who never expected me to be okay or to talk about what's going on," your hands moved to cradle his face, thumbs trailing over his cheekbones.

His eyes fluttered closed, savoring your touch.

"I-" before Alan could speak, you brushed your lips against his, effectively stealing his breath as his eyes flew open, staring at you.

And then he surged forward, pressing his lips to yours in a desperate kiss.

You felt dampness on your cheeks. unsure if it was from your tears or his.

There you sat, clinging to one another as if you'd drift apart otherwise, lost in the space of infinite loneliness.

[starryneitz]

I am going to preface this with me saying that I know that this sounds needy but this is my last resort and a desperate cry for help.

Otakon is right around the corner and it's my only time I get to truly be myself, and I come from a VERY abusive household. My younger brothers are always praised and given money to do whatever they want whenever they want. I, on the other hand, get abused and mistreated all the time because I'm different. Since I am queer and a Democrat I get treated like dogshit. My mom forbade me from going to Ota unless I gave her all of my money I saved up. So I have $0 and am starting from scratch. I make federal minimum wage at 20 hours a week, max. If I didn't lose my job back in March (reason of firing on paper was because of my diagnosis of anxiety and ADHD, and coming from a children's science center that praises itself on its acceptance about mental health, disorders, and LGBTQIA+ communities, just goes to show how shitty it is), I might have gotten away with saving more. But I'm flat broke.

Otakon is my one and only escape in the year to be myself. My mom marks all the criteria for Nazism. She is highly anxious towards me. All of my thoughts, emotions, words, and actions are forced by her. She forces me to be her. I do not know who I am. I never knew who I was. The only time I am allowed to show any personality without fearing being abused it at Ota, and even then I still fear being screamed at or hit.

If anyone is financially stable enough to contribute it would be gladly appreciated BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE ABLE TO CONTRIBUTE TO PALESTINE FIRST! I know I have it bad, but they deserve it more.

Thank you if you read this far. I know some of you might have heard me talk about my family before, and I'm sorry if you read this and see that my situation hasn't gotten any better. I can't escape. I tried many times. It has always failed and she always keeps me from leaving because she takes all my money. She tells me that I never have had any friends and that no one would ever truly like me or stand being around me to even care to look at me. It's hard. It's hard to know you're truly alone. I know I have friends, but with knowing what she has been telling me my entire life, is it true that they're friends? I don't know. I don't know who I am.

If you're able to donate my p@ypal is @/stardoka. As mentioned, please ONLY do so if you can donate to Palestinians first. Thank you so much for your time just to read <3

[doberbutts]

For the record I wasn't asking you about your opinion on a dobe because I'm hell set on dobes I was asking because I didn't know much about them other than "working dog" so please don't be making comments implying my potentially "putting dogs in stupid situations" because that's not the fucking case here clearly that's why I asked someone I thought more knowledgeable than me. My genuine reason is that there are people who are wary of dogs, especially breeds that "look mean" and that's why I like the notion of a non-standard service breed is because I know people with those service breeds and they are constantly dealing with harassment in the form of "OH LOOK! FLUFFY PUPPY!" by kids and grown ass adults I guess maybe my naive hope is that would be curbed somewhat.

And this is the reason I don't really love answering these types of questions, because people tend to get very defensive the second someone tells them they think it's a bad idea.

The implication that I have not dealt with harassment, access challenges, and targetted breed discrimination as a result of my breed choice is laughable. Creed had kids run up and grab him by the nub and around the neck. I was literally laid out on a bench in the middle of a fainting episode with him tied to me and a woman came up and grabbed him and kissed all over his face. I had people swat at and kick him. I had to fix a fear of shopping carts because people kept ramming him on purpose. I had people run away screaming and jump over tables and counters as we walked into the room. I can't tell you how many times I had to tell people to stop reaching for him and calling him. I can't tell you how many times people got angry and invasive just seeing me with him. I can't tell you how many people told me to my face that they'd shoot him or that they were calling Animal Control to have him taken from me.

If you don't want to hear it, don't ask. I told you my opinion. Clearly it's not what you wanted to hear.

I don't think a doberman is a good choice for a psychiatric service dog for someone with any panic, anxiety, or stress related disorder. I think you should pick a different breed. And I think you should work with a trainer skilled in the needs you have, in person, to help you find the right dog for you. That was my answer from the start. That remains my answer.

[nixierain]

Vent post, Yippiee!! I'm annoying!!

Alr, I'ma vent about my toxic traits (Or just random traits) And where I belive they stemed from

Btw theres prob gonna be some heavy stuff

Clinging - The desperate need to be the center of attention and loved, and fear of abandonment

Why it is so difficult for me to understand that people care about me, or why they do - Toxic friendships in my past

My "Extreme" (Its not irrational according to my therapist) fear of abandonment - Toxic friendships, BPD, And having my friend ditch me in kindergarten (She was a bitch, I'ma kinda glad she left me now...)

Me having horrid ways of showing affection (Punching and kicking addition) - I don't know how else to, and I have no siblings so I have no outlet for that.

Me having horrid ways of showing affection (Stealing things for a bit, but giving it back later edition) - Fear of abandonment, if I have their things that can't leave me HAHAHAHA

Self harm/sui "attempt" (Its pathetic the way I attempt, its just trying to choke myself to death) - Attention and to test if people care about me

Hating myself - Attention seeking, MDD and BPD

Obsessing over people (Like it is BAD like real bad, I've basically stalked a kid once...) - I... I actually don't really know why I do this

Perfectionism - Not feeling good enough, taking my parents jokes too seriously, people-pleasing, the need for people to like me

The need for people to like me - Attention CRAVING

Attention craving - toxic friendships

Generalized trust (Trusting people too easily) - In hopes the person will like me and give me attention

Liking toxicity even though it makes me want to die - I framiliatarized (How tf did I spell that first try???) it from being bullied so much

Not being able to end a friendship even if its toxic - Fear of abandonment (DAMN This has a lot of baggage to it)

Overthinking - I have anxiety, And the need for people to like me

The need to answer everything, like every text and such - My parents drilled that in my head when I stayed home alone

I CAN NOT ACCEPT GIFTS - Cause of my parents when I was in 1st grade...

WAYYYYYY too sensitive - BPD, bottleing everything up

A violent side to my brain: Attention, gives me a outlet

Zoning out frequently - Prob my subconciouss not wanting to deal with anything, Coping

Not being able to comprehend half of the things people write or say - MRELD (Mixed receptive-expressive language disorder) And anxiety Yeah thats all Ima write right now, Maybe I'll add more when I thing of them

[samble-moved]

(Some of the) Many Lies of Kyubey

Madoka Magica as a whole doesn't always give full detail of a character's life or back story, but one of the more mysterious characters is the antagonist of the story, Kyubey. A supposedly "emotionless and wholly logical" alien who sees humans as disposable, Kyubey is shown time and time again to not only act irrationally and emotionally, contrary to what he and his species supposedly believe in above all else, but to openly lie and manipulate the main cast and other magical girls throughout the series.

Some Kyubey supporters claim he isn't "evil", just entirely unable to understand or feel emotion, thus being so logical that he is cold and uncaring. He thinks only in numbers, nothing else. But not only is he truly antagonistic, he does, in fact, repeatedly show he is perfectly capable of emotions and irrational behaviors. He just lies about them.

I) Kyubey's Emotions

Despite the claim that Kyubey (or Incubators as a species) think of emotion itself as a "mental disorder", or flat out don't experience them, Kyubey tends to show genuine emotion repeatedly. Obviously, some of this is faked for manipulation and blending in with human society/morals and to form connections, but not all of it.

For instance. This goes along with Kyubey being illogical as well, but Kyubey tells Madoka she has enough potential to become a God. But then, when she actually makes her wish (with becoming a goddess/concept as a side effect of said wish), Kyubey gasps and seems genuinely shocked and surprised, if not almost nervous or scared, about this. The transcript for it actually describes the emotion he's expressing as "dismay".

While "fear" can be argued to be not always an emotion (I guess — as you could argue it's more a part of a survival instinct or fight-or-flight in some cases), "dismay" and shock/surprise in this way are.

Kyubey also shows:

Fear (at the end of Rebellion, potentially during Madoka's wish)

Surprise (Madoka's wish, during Rebellion during the LoC secretary reveal parts/when they're breaking out of the labyrinth)

Confusion (Homura's existence as an "abnormality", Homura rewriting the universe, regarding human morals)

Loneliness, if you trust Puella Magi Wiki's article here as a source ("Strangely, Kyubey 'wanted' to talk to Juubey [fake/man-made Incubator]. He wanted to talk to another of his kind, even if it was man-made")

Worry/Anxiety (the whole "we must prevent the heat death of the universe" thing, when in reality that event is billions to trillions of years away — not urgent or soon)

II) Incubators are Irrational - Heat Death and Motivations

For a species and creature who claims to only act with pure, total logic, Incubators actually seem prone to irrationality and overreaction at times. This is shown, firstly, with their main motivation for contacting with girls in the first place — collecting energy to prevent/beat back the heat death of the universe.

Entropy and universe heat death are things that exist in real life. However, these things won't happen for...

Well, the amount of time the universe has before it potentially happens can't even be written out normally.

[Please note that I am a layman, not a scientist, so please don't attack me for not 100% grasping this information.]

On Wikipedia, the amount of time before hypothetical universe heat death is written as "around 1.7×10^106 years", and that's just with the "Big Chill/Big Freeze" hypothesis, the one I believe PMMM uses, and the one (as far as I can tell) is the most probable. The "Big Rip" theory suggests 22 billion years before false vacuum decay. The "Big Crunch" hypothesis guesses at 100 billion years, though this one seems less probable than the former ones.

This means that Kyubey, and Incubators as a whole, make contracts and have caused the horrific, unnecessary deaths of millions of little girls, all because they are worried about something that won't happen for a time so distant and far from now it can't even be properly written out in full.

How is that logical or rational? How is that not considered a major, major overreaction to a species that prioritizes intellect and lack of emotion?

I won't say wanting to survive/live is an emotion or illogical, as almost all creatures have survival instincts and will instinctively fight to live, regardless if they want to or if it's even possible. But being worried over hypothetical heat death in billions and trillions of years from now isn't rational.

If you want to argue that heat death is so far away in PMMM from all the energy Incubators have made from contracting, you're ignoring the canon where Kyubey implies they still don't have enough energy to combat it. That's why they're after Madoka, and still making contracts. Heat death of the universe is so far away that the number of years until it maybe happens can't even be written out, but the Incubators apparently don't think "trillions of years in the future, if not more" isn't distant enough to not be a constant, immediate concern. The fact that they're still contracting and seeking out magical girl candidates to get more energy despite this implies irrational fears, not something that makes sense, like if the heat death was happening a year/decade/century from the present. Billions and millions of years from happening, but Incubators treat it as a constant worry and concern, and believe killing children and ripping out their souls is a rational way to maybe push the date back even further.

III) Incubators are Irrational 2

Despite claiming to be emotionless and only relying on reason to act/think, and claiming to be hyper intelligent an from a very advanced society way beyond humanity's capabilities, Kyubey sure has shown an ability to...not always do those things. He actually has moments of being pretty blisteringly unintelligent.

In Episode 8, he flat out tells Madoka that she has enough magical girl potential to become a God, and easily surpass him in power/influence. He tells her that basically reversing a magical girl contract, something that Kyubey himself can't do, would be "just child's play" to her, and tells her she could theoretically wish to become an "all powerful God".

Except...how is telling Madoka this demonstrating reason?

Madoka doesn't like the magical girl system, which is created and continued by Incubators and magical girl contracts. Knowing this, Kyubey then openly tells Madoka that she can easily overpower him, his system, and become an actual Capital G God.

Telling someone who's against you exactly how they can defy you, alter everything your species has ever worked for, and even easily outmatch you with zero effort...isn't a great strategy.

You can argue that Kyubey didn't expect Madoka to actually do this, but he himself planted the idea in her mind — and, in my opinion, it's highly likely Madoka may have never made her final wish if Kyubey never made this suggestion. After all, we see no evidence she's made a wish like this before. He put it in her head that becoming a God is possible for her. Easy for her, potential wise, even. He said that outright defying his system with her potential is child's play to her.

It's the same thing as walking up to your worst enemy, handing them a gun, then helpfully telling them where exactly to shoot to kill. Then being shocked and surprised when they pull the trigger.

IV) Blatently Lying

AKA "Kyubey doesn't lie", but then openly and obviously lies.

Some people say Kyubey never lies, he just gives half truths. Kyubey himself claims lying is incomprehensible to his species, even. But, uh, that's not true. He lies about not understanding lying. He lies in canon. Repeatedly.

Sayaka asks Kyubey if Witches are different from magical girls. We know that magical girls, basically, are witches. Or, at least, witches yet-to-be. But Kyubey lies and doesn't answer yes to the question, to avoid telling the truth. His explanation is only technically true, but he doesn't actually answer truthfully with regards to "magical girls = witches?" question. He dodges it.

It's claimed he can't coerse girls to contract, but is shown canonically to basically back them into corners, let them fall into life-or-death situations to all but force a contract, and rush girls to contract.

Kyubey also claims he can't suggest wishes, but then suggests wishes to Madoka, as seen in Part III.

Kyubey blatently lies, not denying that bringing a magical girl back from being a witch is impossible, though he knows it is. He answers without actually giving solid answers here. I'm also pretty sure in the final script that the final line is actually "nobody's ever tried it before", and if that's correct, it's even worse — as I can't imagine that not a single magical girl, over millions of years of history, never tried or attempted it. And even if you want to claim him not knowing if it's possible isn't a lie, he's lying to Kyoko about not being able to advise her. He just doesn't want to, because Kyoko trying her plan means she dies, and he gets another obstacle out of the way. A logical, truthful bit of advice he could give here would be "I highly doubt it's possible to do". But he doesn't say this.

Kyubey, the whole of the anime, is constantly and consistently shown manipulating and lying to the girls. But then the next minute claims to not even understand the concept of deceitfulness.

V) Final Word

As Katy @silvermoon424 said, Kyubey is like a "facts over feelings" guy run amok. He claims to be an emotionless creature running solely on rationality and logic, utterly incapable of deceit, but then proves he's lying about all of that. He emotes, he is irrational, he manipulates and lies and all but disproves everything he and his species claim to be with both words and actions.

Sorry that this post is a bit disjointed and rambly. It is based off another similar essay I never wrote/finished, but is also a bit based on this post by Katy that I also suggest people read, as it reminded me of this idea I never wrote out.