#an acquaintance was talking to me about someone else's 'health journey' and this was what was going through ny mind as they spoke

[eyobis-andthe-bunnycats]

"My life is totes better after forcing my body to lose so much weight and not because I got more active and changed my relationship with food. Yeah all that fat just sapped all my energy! Crazy huh? No, haha, I'm not fatphobic! My self image while fat just happened to suck, had nothing to do with the diet culture around me influencing my perception. Now that I'm not fat, I just happen to like myself. It's just a coincidence, haha."

[creatingnikki]

What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out. 

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices. 

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make. 

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it! 

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up. 

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday. 

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same. 

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people. 

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful. 

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away. 

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you. 

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs. 

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight. 

[queerprayers]

hi!! first of all i just wanted to say i really appreciate your blog (and your instagram too!). your thoughts have provided me great comfort. anytime i see another queer, leftist, christian my heart fills with joy!! i think: ‘oh! there are other people like me!! there are so many wonderful people out here who love God and are accepting and supportive and loving!’ so thank you- for making me feel less alone and for giving me hope. thank you for existing and just being you- it means more than you know (especially as a young (only 15) queer christian). was scrolling through your blog this morning (on holy saturday) and i started crying. i’m not sure why. because i was overwhelmed with love for god? because i am confused about religion and things? idk but it was a weirdly intense feeling- like a cry i needed. anyways, i hope you are having a wonderful day and that your easter is full of love and hope and all the wonderful things!

i did have a few questions for you (i guess they’re questions?? or just asking for your opinion). no pressure to respond btw

1) (i’m a lesbian) and i’m afraid i’ll never find another queer girl who loves God/is christian/is religious who will also love me. i want to have a relationship with someone who not only understands the struggle of being a queer christian, but someone who can help me learn and grow in my faith. i’m just afraid that i’m asking too much and i’ll never find that.

2) i often feel ashamed(?) of being a christian. even though i am one, whenever i hear “christian” i don’t think of very nice and accepting people. i feel like people like you are in the minority(?). and so i almost never talk about my religion or anything because i am afraid people will assume I am homophobic/transphobic/racist/misogynistic/slut shaming. i feel bad for feeling this way though.

3) (last one 😅 ) what is the difference between religion and spirituality? and how can i, as a christian, explore spirituality?

I’m finally answering this so thank you for your patience! I relate so much to that joy of finding someone else like us— it’s exactly what I felt when I discovered queer Christian communities online! I’m so happy that I can give you that comfort and recognition— it’s all I want. I’m sorry I made you cry but I hope it was what you needed and I’m so happy you’re processing and stuff! Being overwhelmed and confused are two emotions I am intensely familiar with. 

I had a lovely Easter, thank you! I hope yours was wonderful as well <3 Thanks for numbering your questions :) This is perfect, and here are some answers/thoughts:

1) I relate! And I’m sure so many others do too! When religion is important in your life, it can be hard to find someone who’s on the same page. And when you’re queer, that adds a whole ‘nother layer, doesn’t it? My last relationship (and my only serious one) is a testament to the fact that there is hope! She was an absolutely lovely lesbian Christian and we talked about faith a lot. She really changed how I thought about faith and even though we’re not together anymore (for tragic backstory/mental health reasons), I still hold close the spiritual growth I went through with her! There are people out there to connect with, even if being queer can be a really lonely experience. I met her through Lex, which is a really cool app. :) Also, we’re both so young! There’s so much beautiful time for us to grow and meet new people, and I have hope for both of us. <3 You know what you want, and you deserve that. Wishing you luck!

2)THIS THIS THIS! Listen, every time I’m in a queer or progressive space, this goes through my mind. And there have been people who’ve assumed I’m all manner of horrible things when they learn I’m Christian! I talked about a similar situation in this ask. Religion is a super hard topic for a lot of minorities, and I always have to remember to respect that anger/trauma, as well as standing up for myself and my beliefs. There are reasons that those stereotypes exist, and also harmful consequences from those stereotypes. A few things: There are a lot more of us than we think. Since I’ve been open about stuff on social media, so many religious people have admitted to me they’re queer, and so many queer people have admitted they’re religious! There are so many people who just don’t talk about one or both of these facets of their identities because of the reception they might get in both religious and queer spaces. You don’t have to feel bad for this. You don’t have to feel bad for not opening up about every part of yourself (especially to strangers/acquaintances). No one has a right to your identities/beliefs! These are things for you to talk about when/if you're comfortable with. That said, the best way to combat these stereotypes about Christianity is to be a Christian and a loving/accepting person. People have told me that I've changed their idea of what being a Christian is, or that they'd never met a "nice" Christian before. Obviously that's a lot of pressure, and not everyone is called to be that representation. But the more openly queer Christians there are in the world, the more we can fight those stereotypes! Go at your own speed, and it might not be till later in your life/journey (or never!) that you become more open, and that's okay. I pray that you encounter accepting people in your life that are open to learning new things about groups of people!

3) Generally, religion is organized/external, and spirituality is informal/internal. So religion tends to based on historical figures and religious texts, with formal rituals and houses of worship, while spirituality tends to be more experience-based and personal, without a set of defined beliefs. Many people describe themselves as "spiritual but not religious," meaning they connect to a faith/practice or have their own personal belief system, but don't go to church/belong to an organized religion. Christianity as an institution and set of beliefs is a religion, but many Christians have some kind of spiritual practice, and some off-sets/teachings within Christianity are spirituality-based (like mysticism). Not all Christians connect with spirituality, though— my dad, for instance, always jokes that he's "religious but not spiritual." There is room for both, though! And I think it's really healthy so have both external and internal sources for your faith.

Ideas for exploring spirituality as a Christian: meditate on scripture, connect with nature, read/research saints who participated in spirituality/mysticism (x), journal

Some resources: The Society for the Study of Christian Spirituality at Johns Hopkins University, "Christian Spirituality and Social Transformation" by Philip Sheldrake, "Christian Spirituality: Theology in Action" by Dr. Alex Tang, Presentations by David Monyak on Christian Spirituality: an Introduction by Alister E. McGrath (1999)

Okay, I think that's everything! Anyone who has anything to add can reply/reblog, and if I've missed anything, feel free to shoot me another ask!

<3 Johanna

[thisismeelephanttrying]

After reading the book, I feel fortunate enough to across his heritage of that lifetime. He must have a beautiful heart in conclusion of a floating soul in a heavy world.

"In all his writing, the world of concrete objects carries its full common sense of pleasure and hardship, of beauty and blight. At the same time, his philosophical turn of mind involves him in a real struggle of ideas, one usually carried on by closed mings and obscured by fuzzy words. This struggle pits the "materialists" with their rational methods against the "idealists" with their intuitive or spiritual insights."

"Or rather he tells us all over again that the true battle lies within us and calmly transfers the struggle to the slopes of an interior mountain which we must climb. Most of us find that a harder task than carrying on a rousing battle with an ideological enemy."

"And neither of them took cover behind the convenient shrubbery of the "ineffable"; words brought their trials and their triumphs. Daumal's work follows Nerval's in its resolve to fuse body and spirit, speech and sleep, logic and intuition, in order to enter a "second life".

'"Nerval, however, prepared himself increasingly to disappear for good into that other world, and finally hung himself in a Paris alley. Daumal, somewhat less afflicted, or blessed, with night vision, resolutely returned to this world, his eyes seeking light again, his mind struggling to tell what he had seen."

"We must first become human before seeking anything superior."

"The Westerner tends by tradition to think of grasping the meaning of life through certain crucial experiences - death, grief, danger, passionate love, sudden success, catastrophe. Existentialism has aptly termed them "extreme situations", in reference to which we discover ourselves - whence our attraction to the adventurous life, war, scientific progress, romantic love. Having cast his mind deep into Indian philosophy, Daumal senses that the reality and meaning of the world can come to us at every moment without having to rely wholly on extreme situations to wrench us into awareness. Action, as has been pointed out many times, is for Westerners both stimulant and drug. The four stages of Hindi initiation, from the Vedas to the Upinshads, and the complementary disciplines of Yoga and Zen, prepare us not for a career of great exploits to be recalled in old age, but for a life increasingly dedicated to "the teaching which cuts through illusion."

"He understood very early that the basic act of consciousness is a negation, a dissociation of the I from the exterior world of not -I. Meaningful perception reduces and refines the I, withdraws it from the world into an increasingly strict identity or subjectivity. Then, however, beginning a vibratory rhythm which must follow if self-annihilation is not to result, the pure consciousness expands again into all things, experiences the world subjectively once more, loses itself in the mystery of creation."

Asceticism

"Man achieves inner spiritual progress by his own efforts, by a human discipline that is not a gift of god and can be learned from other men further advanced on the path of knowledge. Teaching and initiation are central to all religions and cultures. Within a system where no truth comes by divine revelation but only by human attainment, the sense of a tradition of knowledge comes to support the entire structure of life.... And thus Daumal spoke un-flinchingly of a Doctrine, meaning not a narrow set of rituals or dogmas, not art for art's sake in aesthetics, not a fixed philosophical position, but a number of paths leading to the same goal: a higher form of life."

Peradam

"Mount Analogue, the novel, has the force of a curving and uncurving lens for our minds. Through it, we can glimpse that "other world" of which Nerval spoke, and Spinoza and Socrates. And yet it is hard to look through it, for so limpid a substance almost escapes one's attention even when it is right under one's eyes. One could conceivably read ever word of the book without seeing a thing."

"And from deep within me, like a bubble, rose the admission that my life had become all too stagnant lately. Thus, when I opened the letter, I could not be sure whether it affected me like a breath of fresh air or like a disagreeable draught."

"I had written in substance that in the mythic tradition the Mountain is the bond between Earth and Sky. Its solitary summit reaches the sphere of eternity, and its base spreads out in manifold foothills into the world of mortals. It is the way by which man can raise himself to the divine, and by which the divine reveals itself to man."

" ... a general discussion of symbols, which I divided into two classes: those subject to law of proportion, and those subject only to the law of scale as well.... "Proportion" concerns the relations between dimensions of a structure, "scale" the relations between these dimensions and those of the human body. An equilateral triangle, symbol of the Trinity, has exactly the same value no matter what its dimensions; it has no "scale". On the other hand consider an exact model of a cathedral a few inches in height. This object will always convey, through its shape and proportions, the intellectual meaning of the original structure, even if some details have to be examined under a magnifying glass. But it will no longer produce anything like the same emotion or the same response: it is no longer "to scale". And what defines the scale of the ultimate symbolic mountain - The one I propose to call Mount Analogue- is its inaccessibility to ordinary human approaches. .......

For a mountain to play the role of Mount Analogue, I concluded, its summit must be inaccessible but its base accessible to human beings as nature has made them. It must be unique and it must exist geographically. The door to the invisible must be visible."

" You understand that you and I have such grave decisions to make, with such a far-reaching consequences for our lives, that we can't start by taking shots in the dark. We'll have to get to know each other. Today we can walk around together, talk, eat, and be silent together. Later I believe we'll have the opportunity to act and suffer together. All is that necessary to "make someone's acquaintance" as they say."

"Up to that point I had always spotted those second-hand Satans. They were so naive and always tried the same tricks, poor devils. Their entire approach consisted of variations on a few fundamental falsehoods every one knew, such as:"To obey the letter of the rules in only for imbeciles who cannot understand their spirit". Or :"With my health, alas, I cannot attempt such hardships."

" Life dealt with me a little the way an organism treats a foreign body: it was obviously trying either to encyst me or to expel me, and for my own part I yearned for "something else" .... I readjusted little by little to contemporary life, but only externally, it's true. For, when you come down to it, I can't bring myself to fall in with this monkey-cage agitation which people so dramatically call life. ..... Fake, all fake. I can't say one of those cards: here's a truth, one small but certain truth. In the whole show there's nothing but mystery and error. Where one ends, the other begins."

Since Logos is quite crazy in his assumption because everything was merely made in his mind. He is as if a scientist making a hypothesis totally out of intuition and initiated a whole journey to test it; that is the reason why I found this description pretty cool "We all sat stunned by the audacity and logical power of this deduction. Everyone kept silent and everyone was convinced."

"The path to our highest desires often lies through the undesirable."

" If I were to tell this story the way history is usually written or the way each of us recalls his own past, which means recording only the most glorious moments and inventing a new continuity for them, I should omit these little details and say that our eight stout hearts drummed from morning to night in time with a single all-encompassing desire - or some such lie. But the flame which kindles desire and illuminates thought never burned for more than a few seconds at a stretch. The rest of the time we tried to remember it."

I do not know why but this author did have a sense of humor with all of his mockery and ironicness.

"Some people say they have always existed and will exist forever. Others say they are the dead. And others say that, as a sword has its scabbard or a foot its imprint, every living man has in the mountain his Hollow-Man, which he will seek out in death."

"No one has ever been able to catch it, for the tiniest tremor of fear anywhere close by alerts it, and it disappears into the rock. Even if one desires it, one is a little afraid of possessing it, and it vanishes. .... It's like looking for night in broad daylight."

"But in our relations with the superior beings of Mount Analogue, what would be suitable for barter? What did we possess of real value? With what could we pay for the new knowledge we were seeking? Would we have to accept it as charity? or on credit?"

"At the same time as we decided to leave our heavy equipment on the coast, we were also preparing to leave behind the artist, the inventor, the doctor, the scholar, the writer. Beneath the old disguises new men and new women began to show the tips of their ears. Men and women, and all kinds of other creatures as well."

"In the mountains a man becomes very attentive to any sign indicating the presence of one of his fellow men. That distant smoke was particularly moving for us, a greeting sent us by strangers climbing ahead of us on the same trail. For from now on the trail linked our fate to theirs, even if we were never to meet. Bernard knew nothing about them."

Rhododendron

"At the end I want to speak at length of one of the basic laws of Mount Analogue. To reach the summit, one must proceed from encampment to encampment. But before setting out for the next refuge, one must prepare those coming after to occupy the place one is leaving. Only after having prepared them can one go on up. That is why, before setting out for a new refuge, we had to go back down in order to pass on our knowledge to other seekers..."

"Probably Rene Daumal would have made clear what he meant by this work of preparation. For in his daily life he devoted himself to preparing many minds for the difficult voyage toward Mount Analogue. The title of his last chapter was to be: "And you, what do you seek?.... To face it directly is to strike against the deepest layer of being which sleeps within us, and then one must listen painfully and lucidly to the sound it sends back."

"By our calculations - thinking of nothing else - by our desires - abandoning every other hope - by our efforts - renouncing all bodily comfort - we gained entry into this new world. So it seemed to us. But we learned later that if we were able to approach Mount Analogue, it was because the invisible doors of that invisible country had been opened for us by those who guard them. The cock crowing in the milky dawn thinks its call raises the sun; the child howling in a closed room thinks its cries cause the door to open. But the sun and the mother follow courses set by the laws of their own beings. Those who see us even though we cannot see them opened the door for us, answering our puerile calculations, our steady desires, and our awkward efforts with a generous welcome."

[artemisfit]

my reasons to lose weight

One thing i did when I decided to start losing weight was to write down one reason to lose for every pound of my goal weight. I want to be 137 lbs? I wrote 137 reasons to lose the weight to get there.

I want to preface this by saying that these reasons are just my personal reasons for wanting to lose weight, and they have no bearing on and hold no judgement  for anyone else who might read the list. I do not judge anyone for where they are at in their life physically. We are all on our own path. That may sound really patronizing and flighty but it’s true. That being said, for those who suffer with negative body image, some of these reasons might be triggering for that, so please read on with that in mind. 

I don’t even know why I’m posting all of these in a place where other people can see them rather than just keeping them to myself, but I know that the actual process of writing a reason for every pound of my goal weight is something that I found greatly encouraging, so maybe it’ll help someone else?

So without further ado, my reasons to lose weight will be beneath the cut, just because to have them just typed out would make this a very long post. 

To stop hating how I look

To be able to look at my reflection in a full-length mirror without launching into a depressive episode

To be able to look at my own image during a video call without wanting to turn off my camera and hide

To be able to wear the clothes I want and look and feel good in them

To feel attractive and confident

To own my body instead of allowing my body to own me

To be able to enjoy food without being a victim of my appetite

To finally feel beautiful for once in my life

To have clear skin and a clean body

To be able to go up stairs or escalators without running out of breath

To get rid of the stretch marks on my skin

To potentially lessen my anxiety and depression

To be able to wake up at 5 in the morning and feel refreshed

To be the type of person who runs when stressed, not the type to eat her feelings

To never have to wear shapewear ever again

To know the strength that my body is capable of

To look like my own personal motivational photo

To not hate being in front of a camera because I know I’ll look fat in a photo

To treat my body with the respect it deserves

To hear the comments and compliments from friends/family/acquaintances 

To be able to walk around a room in underwear or a dressing gown and feel sexy or at least not self conscious

To see the lower number on the scale at the doctor’s office and not feel like I’m being judged by the nurse

To look good in athletic tights

To be able to stop comparing myself to every girl that passes by (or worse, to my friends)

To be light enough for friends to pick me up

To get to a point where being “what I eat” doesn’t feel like an insult

To be able to wear form fitting clothes without bumps or rolls

To get rid of the bump at the top of my spine and improve my posture

To be able to go swimming without wanting to put a t-shirt on over my swimsuit

To potentially get over my fear and hatred of going shopping in person

To stop constantly thinking people are talking about me and how fat I am

To have more energy

To be more flexible

To not lose my breath after even minimal exertion

To be able to wear a dress without my thighs chafing so bad I get a rash

To get rid of my double chin and perhaps the size/jutting of my actual chin

To have a thinner face over all in addition to a thinner body

To know what having abs feels like

To be able to wear high waisted jeans that zip all the way up and don’t have that pulled gap by the button

To be able to wear “one size fits all” clothing

To be able to playfully sit in a friend’s lap without feeling like I’m going to crush their legs

To improve the strength of my heart

To be confident enough to do karaoke

To be confident enough to wear shorts and sundresses in summer

To be able to do yoga and pilates

To get back into karate or some other type of martial arts

To be able to go to the gym and not feel like everyone’s staring and judging me

To be more active like I was when I was a kid

To be able to run a 5k

To be able to delete the “weight loss” and “motivation” boards on my Pinterest because I don’t need them anymore

To never see a scale number above 150 again

To be able to wear single digit clothing sizes

To maybe see if losing weight helps me wear heels without as much pain

To get rid of the roll-over on my stomach

To have more confidence when it comes to any kind of romance

 To never have to write down “lose weight” as a new years resolution ever again

To be able to fully close my coats and zip up my leather jackets

To have the only muffin top in my life be on actual muffins

To have longer, healthier hair, skin, and nails because my body is clean and healthy and can promote those things more easily

To not feel lethargic and lazy and like a slob all the time

To cry because I lost weight not cry because I gained it

To have my watches and bracelets fit perfectly without leaving marks – same for my rings

To confirm that I do actually have a smaller waist than it currently looks like I do

To lower my risk for health problems later in life

To get rid of the bulk on my thighs – I’ll never have a thigh gap but I can at least not have actual turkey legs

To be able to walk or run 4 miles every morning and not feel like I’m going to die

To stop being so utterly and constantly self-conscious and full of hatred about my own body

To not worry that the guy delivering my takeaway is judging me when I open the door

To look like someone who matches that “London life aesthetic”

To not fear stepping on the scale

To never hear my dad telling me I’ve gained weight again

To be able to encourage my mom in her own weight loss journey

To have thinner, more graceful fingers

To not be the fat friend

To be able to wear sexy, lacy lingerie and feel good in it and not have to buy it in a bigger size and then still be too self-conscious to wear it

To be able to be impressed by my own before and after pics

To not be afraid to see my own naked body when I get out of the shower

To be able to say that I did this, that I achieved my goal and changed my own life

To look good in baggy clothes, not like I’m trying to hide behind them

To enjoy exercise and feel the endorphins it produces

To be confident enough to go for nights out in London and have fun

To be able to buy a whole new wardrobe without feeling like I can’t buy certain things because there’s no way that they would look good on me

To have a higher percentage of muscle than fat

To feel like in at least one area I’m in control of my life and not letting it control me

To sleep better and wake up feeling rested

To hear the comments from my dad’s family in Egypt

To be able to dance around my apartment and not be worried that I left the blinds up

To feel more comfortable in various social situations

To not think that a guy who may or may not be looking at me from across the room is thinking negative things about my looks or my weight

To be able to fit into my fame & partners dress should I ever have an occasion to wear it

To stop feeling so desperate to find new, fad, or quick diets that probably wouldn’t work anyways

To be able to wear clothes like Julia from the magicians

To not feel like no matter what my makeup looks like I’m still ugly

To see the final goal weight number on the scale

To feel like I am worth the work and the effort and maybe even actually believe it

To be able to wear crop tops should I want to

To look good in any youtube videos I decide to make

To be able to make a youtube video or a series of videos at some point about how I lost weight and kept it off

To be able to tuck shirts in to my jeans or skirts and not immediately untuck it because I hate how it looks

To never have to spend hours looking up “weight loss” anywhere on the internet ever again

To feel my clothes get more and more loose

To know what it feels like to have a flat stomach

To not feel like I’m faking whenever I wear something stylish or remotely form-fitting

To be “that hot new phd student”

To have the possibility of a stranger telling me I’m pretty like they do my friends when we’re out (this one is quite selfish but I acknowledge that it’s still a reason)

To get to the point where eating healthy and drinking a gallon of water a day isn’t something I have to remind myself to do, it’s just second nature

To get to a point where I love myself, my whole self, rather than just hating the body I feel like I’m stuck in.

To get to the point where i love exercise and look forward to doing it multiple times a week

To eat intuitively and for enjoyment instead of eating recklessly and unhealthily

To know that I am what i have worked hard to become

To not feel so terrified about changing clothes when others are around

To have slimmer, toned legs

To have a good, shapely bum

To have my hair be my biggest concern when getting ready in the morning instead of “what clothes can I wear to hide my body today?”

To be able to take pictures of my body that will help inspire me and may in turn inspire others should I share them

To see the looks on my friends’ and family’s faces when I get back after being away for a while

To hear the comments from my friends and classmates

To stop hiding behind the camera all the time and be happy to stand in front of it

To stop the thighs of my jeans from wearing out so quickly

To be able to actually live in my body rather than just have it be the thing that takes my head from room to room

To stop feeling envious over the bodies of my friends (I know this is a toxic thing to do/think/live with and I want to get ride of this urge)

To not turn out like a lot of my family

To look more like the girl I used to be when I was a kid and to do her right/do her proud

To see more of the actual shape of my face (do I have good cheekbones? do I have a jawline that could cut a man?)

To be confident enough to go and do my running outside rather than feeling too awkward like people are going to stare and then just using a treadmill.

To get to the point where I know enough about nutrition and my body to be able to listen to it and give it what it needs, not just what I think I want

To get rid of some of the emotional and mental blocks that my physicality has built up for me which prevent me from doing the things I want to do and being the person that I want to be

To have a healthy relationship with food, with exercise, with myself, and with my mental image of myself.

To change the way I think about and talk about myself, to be less self deprecating and more proud

To be able to look at my own body and pictures of myself and find myself sexy and attractive

To be able to buy clothes in stores and not worry that they won’t fit when I get home and try them on

To get rid of the back rolls and actually see some definition in my shoulder blades

To see the look on old friends’ faces (and maybe even more so on those who weren’t friends) when they see how much I’ve changed

To prove people wrong

To prove myself wrong

To be the me that I pretend to be in my fantasies and daydreams

To be more myself, fully and completely, uninhibited and unrestrained

[shelbymustange]

Is Canada really that good? I've been thinking abt leaving my country and America is a no-no for me

This is such an incredibly difficult thing for me to write, as I’m a white person living in Canada and I don’t know a lot about POC experiences in my country. Everything I know about racism in Canada is from an outsider perspective. The only thing I can really speak on is my experiences as an LGBT person, and as an AFAB person who was born and raised here.

I'm not even close to an authority on how POC feel about living in Canada, and I can only give my opinion on that based on my personal experiences with my POC friends and acquaintances, plus what I have read in the news and from articles written by POC.

As well, this is from the perspective of someone who grew up in rural Ontario, and is living in Ottawa. Ottawa is not a large city, and it is in South Eastern Ontario. Canada is a very, very large country. South Eastern Ontario is no where near the same as Northern Ontario, or even Western Ontario, let alone Alberta or the Maritimes or the Yukon. 

Please keep this in mind as a speak on what I do know. There is a lot more that I don’t, and if you are POC, I encourage you to seek out articles or posts written by POC citizens and immigrants about their experience coming to Canada and living here. As well as seeking out local articles written from the place you may want to move within the country. 

Now that I have said that, let me begin:

Canada has it's issues with POC, and it would be incredibly ignorant for me to say we don't. There is still racism here, there is still anti-immigrant sentiment. There’s a very, very longstanding history of racism toward our First Nations/Indigenous/Native people. This history and mistreatment is becoming more well known about my country. It’s currently in debate whether we should label the Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women a genocide because of the systematic negligence on the part of our authorities toward finding these girls and closing the numerous cold cases there are. As well, the ‘Starlight Tours’ -- or a more apt and less pleasing name the “Saskatoon Freezing Deaths” are also gaining a lot more attention toward how my country has treated it’s Indigenous people, and their systematic oppression. Not to mention the issue surrounding our residential schools and kidnapped indigenous children. <--there is a lot to unpack about Canada and it’s First Nations peoples. I could go on for paragraphs about this. I encourage any Canadian followers to read the articles in this paragraph and learn about these atrocities if you think our country is perfect.

Canada is not a utopia for POC. Brown and Black people as well, still suffer from racism from our authorities, as well as just daily racism from the people around them. And there are cases of police negligence and brutality that happen in Canada. This is a fact that our country has to face. 

In terms of our government -- well, our parties are a lot different than the US. Here’s what our election looked like last year, and a basic overview on party policies. Our elections last like...a month? I think last year it was 78 days and that was a long ass election. Generally speaking, there isn’t as much of and Us or Them mentality with our parties and I think it’s because we have a Parliament system. In my perspective, they’re all sort of toeing the line because they need each other in order for any policy to pass, especially when we have a minority government.

So, no one other than the conservatives are aligning themselves with just one party. And the conservatives only do that because the PC party is really the only contending conservative power in Canada. The other three parties that have MPs in House are leftist parties. 

Personally speaking, I’m a leftist. I side more with the NDP than the Liberals in terms of policies, but I don’t align myself with a specific party. I’m just a leftist. I usually vote Liberal, because in my district, they are the only contenders against the PC party, and ultimately my district is PC led because it’s a small town and it’s just how people vote there.

That’s how I look at our government. Notice how much more flippant it is than you might get from someone in the States? AND. I’m going to be perfectly honest here, not long ago, in our provincial government, we had a Premier named Kathleen Wynne, who I wanted to like, but she made some really stupid decisions (except $14 min wage, thank u Wynne). She was a Liberal party leader. And, you know, I was not okay with a PC government in Ontario, especially one run by Doug Ford (brother of notorious Rob Ford). And he’s done some shit I don’t like at all, BUT! I can comfortably say that I respect Doug Ford because of his decision making during the Covid Pandemic. While it was slow and could have been handled better, do I think another leader would have done better? Not really. But at the same time, there was no downplaying, and despite his emphasis on business in his platform, he surprised me with his re-opening policies and how slowly they were taken. (except the schools, because that was fuckin stupid tbh but I’m not going to keep going on about that.). Generally speaking, here when you’re mad about a politician, it’s for non-heinous, smaller bad decision making, rather than taking away Trans rights, for example. (An Aside -- here in Ontario, trans people who are clinically diagnosed with dysphoria and referred for surgery by a professional have their surgeries covered by OHIP (provincial health plan), and do not have to pay out of pocket, so that’s nice).

(Disclaimer: this opinion is from a white person’s prespective, a white person who votes in rural Ontario, who’s friends and family are quite equally as skeptical and logical toward politics and politicians. My flippancy could very well  be because of my white priviledge and I encourage any poc Canadian followers to respond with their opinions so I can rb here. I just know majority of immigrant Canadians vote Liberal since like the 70s).

Largely our Conservative party is much more concerned with fiscal issues than anything else (though there are some outliers, like Andrew Scheer who was notoriously anti-lgbt and abortion, but from what I could see it was kept out of his politics?? I need to look into it more, but ultimately he was taken out as the PC leader I think largely because of the country’s opinions on this) but a good portion of their supporters can be racist, and non-supportive of lgbt people, anti-abortion, etc. Ultimately, our conservatives, when in power recently, have never tried to reverse LGBT rights, though they toe the line of reproductive rights, despite not actively re-opening the debate. As well, Ontario, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island, as well as Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary have enacted bans on conversion therapy. A bill has also been tabled that will federally ban conversion therapy, and it’s not something that the conservatives are really fighting against. For the most part, they leave LGBT people alone rather than actively passing laws to harm them. I can personally say, I’ve never felt fear for my life, or my rights when we’ve had a majority PC government.

As an immigrant, compared to the US, you are more likely to be taken in to our country, and it is much easier to get work. It’s also easier to become a permanent resident (here’s a list of personal stories from answers on Quora about Canada vs US immigration). 

As well, the Canadian government adopted the idea of Canada as a multicultural nation back in the 1970s. We’re not a melting pot like the US. And this can be a big draw for people looking to immigrate, because it emphasizes individuality and the positives of what different cultures can bring to a country. (Though this can be contested and quite fairly at that).

I personally know a good amount of people who have immigrated to Canada, from a variety of different backgrounds, who love it here, and have had very little issue in their lives. Not none, obviously for the POC, because racism still happens here, but they love being here, and ultimately they feel safe and like they belong. They have found community here. But this is just my personal experience, Heres’s a couple articles from and about Canadian immigrants:

Immigrants talk about when they 'started to feel Canadian' - Ottawa Citizen, 2018 As an immigrant, I know how it feels to be 'lonely and isolated' in my new country - CBC Saskatchewan, 2019    What It Takes: An immigrant’s journey from Zimbabwe to Canada - Global News, 2019

This isn’t to say that people come here and they’re always going to love it. There’s a lot of people who leave, either to go back to their home country, or to go to another country (like the US). Even though it’s easier than in the US, it can still be hard to get a job here in the field you want, things are kind of really expensive compared to the US, the US has better higher level education, they have better paying jobs, etc. 

And again, this is the perspective of a white person from a smaller city in Ontario. I know Toronto, even though half of it’s population are immigrants, has a lot of issues with it’s police and brutality and anti-black and brown racism. Ultimately, you will not completely escape racism, individual or systemic, in this country. It’s an unfortunate fact that we can all fight to change in the future.

But in a small town. It’s a community. As someone from a rural area, I know that in my experience, there has never been a point where I have seen anyone from my small communities who have been, at the least, outwardly racist toward a POC. I personally have never seen or heard of a person being confronted or abused or called names because of the colour of their skin or cultural background. (here is an article written by my brother’s friend and former band mate, who is a black man that was adopted as a child, about his experiences in small town Canada, and his perspective on the BLM movement and the response of his white friends).

Anyway, I hope this sort of got my point across. Canada’s a complicated nation, like most. I didn’t touch on the base level, ‘why is canada a good place to immigrate’ points or anything, but I figure you would look that up before making such a big choice. And I’ve already spent 4 hours trying to write something coherent and somewhat researched to say...

Again, I encourage anyone to rb with their opinion or with anything I may have missed. Or send an ask or whatever.

[thejiaqiverse]

(Posting some silly cover art)

Welcome onlookers, to:

The Inkwell Paradox

After (over)analyzing the Cuphead storyline with 3 different approaches last month, I’ll now move on to the Jiaqiverse Cuphead fancanon\fanfic:

A space-time odyssey, falsidical paradoxes, magic vs. science; all these raising thoughts to scenarios similar to Neo knocking over the flower vase after the Oracle pointed it out and further. Gee, talk about a way too serious approach with fanfic!

I have made some posts in the form of Devil’s diary transcript already on the-textbased-jiaqiverse, and a lot more is planned to come in a non-chronological, kinda messy fashion, I feel like I want to highlight some parts I really enjoyed imagining/writing.

Like the Devil x KD dynamic:

Did you know Devil was “banished”, “casted down” to this universe, landing on a part its residents would call “Inkwell” after he got into major trouble with the Court? (It was to the extend that the Court would like him to be annihilated, to be expanded on someday in the future)

Did you know at KD and Devil’s first meeting, in a blink of the eye, time “skipped” about 6 hours from Devil’s perspective? And in that blink of the eye, Devil felt his life was going to be in danger, and that event would be somehow linked to KD (a stranger he’d just met at this point), but couldn’t specifically pinpoint how? Needless to say he freaked out

Did you know shortly after being acquainted with KD, Devil learnt a song written specifically to mock KD? A literal diss track he finds catchy and shared/sang straight to KD’s face, meanwhile gradually realizing ��the six-faced freak” was probably supposed to be KD (the “photosynthesis” song)!

KD did remind Devil of what he’s done wrong in the past and Devil wanted to leave Inkwell and fix things. At that point Devil was tricked into gathering money for someone promising to build/commission something to get him home, he unknowingly hurt KD in that process which he greatly regretted

There were 2 to 3 years KD spent as a pretty influential regent of Sugarland (alternative reality/AU) for Princess Erony Taffy (a relative of Baroness von Bon Bon’s). Devil joked that if KD was an actual king, addressing him formally would get interesting (King King Dice, something like that)

Devil’s trident is a gadget made by KD for him to in a way regain his magic, and within their time in this AU Devil learned to shapeshift on command, KD paired the trident with his mind and shapeshifting abilities so from then on it shapeshifted alone with Devil and can turn into any weapon Devil wanted

After Erony literally backstabbed KD, Devil started weeping holding KD, weeping like he’d never wept before, believing he had lost him

Did you know after that KD and Devil journeyed to yet another AU and became celebrities? Here they became professional musicians by accident (just like how this idea hit me by accident, becoming singers was not their main goal being there)

Did you know they started a romantic relationship before they went viral, but this remained secret at that moment as them being gay was met with quite some resistance here? (in this AU the strongest resistance they’d meet) Their relationship lasted despite this tho

Did you know after a thankfully peaceful retirement from their musical career they ended up chasing a major lead to another new, very magical AU? Where they had to destroy a foreign gem in Cala Maria’s possession and where they bumped into Dr. Kahl, who promptly fled upon seeing them?

People of this AU were generally pretty open-minded and they were free to just openly flirt and more

After going after Dr. Kahl and his alliance of scientists from “infinite Inkwell”—short for a gathering of scientists from a seemingly “infinite” amount of Inkwell AUs—Devil almost died trying to protect KD (that’s why Devil foresaw the danger to his life was linked to KD at their first meeting)

Did you know Devil told KD “there’s a beautiful sparkle in your eyes”(yeah Devil is THAT cheesy sometimes) when he was dying and KD was desperately keeping him alive?

Dr. Kahl was time traveling all this time, lastly landing back at the AU where Devil and KD were celebs, where the KD from that moment of time confronted him and ended his idea of “ripping a hole through space-time to explore the unknown”, which would ultimately just destroy the entirety of this Inkwell “multiverse” along with everyone there if carried out!

KD nurtured Devil back to health

John and James, advanced AI’s constructed by KD reacted to witnessing an affectionate kiss shared between KD and Devil by saying “well, this is no surprise, we saw that coming long ago”

Devil initially wanted to leave this universe badly, but as he hung out with KD, he gradually put down his troubles and started to want to stay here with KD, until it was revealed that KD is not from this universe either and staying here would not be the best option, he knew he needed to leave with KD, eventually

Did you know after all this jazz they went back to the reality they started with and lived in a cave for a while, plotting to leave this universe (yeah that cave was the location of the later Inkwell Hell)?

I mentioned somewhere in an ask-and-answer that Devil was KD’s first right (you know what I meant)? Although the prospect was extremely inviting, Devil initially couldn’t bring himself to just do the do with KD (this and a lot else had to do with Devil’s background), then immediately asked KD to marry him when they finally did get to it.

Here’s a pretty wild fancanon: After careful planning, KD and Devil essentially faked their defeat (c’mon remember the “who would win” meme?) and left Inkwell with the cupbros as heroes to the Inkwell residents. They went on to a specific time and place of a Section (a “standard” type of cluster of multiverses) KD prepared for them

Did I mention that some girls—e.g. Erony, AU Sally Stageplay and of course, creepy Pirouletta—had major crushes on KD?

Besides all that there’s so much more than the story of Devil and KD here: John and James, Cuphead and Mugman’s journey and more and more (this fanfic is called “The Inkwell Paradox” not “the snake-eyes paradox” so...)

I hope you’d like my fancanon\fanfic, just fun and games after all

[thepersephonecabin]

Red

So I finally finished my @festivebastion​ fic for @greaseonmymouth​! Sorry it took a while, but hopefully you like it!

read on AO3!

Pairing: Alcibiades/Caius Greylace

Rating: General Audiences

Summary:  Returning to life from exile has good days and bad days for Caius Greylace, but Alcibiades is always there for him to lean on. After a particularly bad breakdown, Alcibiades decides that Caius needs some good old-fashioned rest and relaxation in the country air. How will Caius take to life on the farm and meeting Yana and Al's family?

-

They had a code for when one wanted to see the other. “Red.” It was a nostalgic way of remembering their time back in Xi’an, daring to wear red to the peace talks while also continuing their relationship, their this, whatever this was.

Caius had been the one to come up with it. Over their time together, Alcibiades had realized that Caius was actually rather sentimental in his own way, although he wouldn’t have thought so at first. After all Caius had gone through as a child, Al had expected him to destroy all the reminders of his time with the Esar, but it hadn’t been the case. The first time he’d been allowed into Caius’s Miranda apartment in Thremedon, he’d been surprised to find one such remnant in display.

It was an ornate vase, porcelain blue with gold leaf, sitting atop a white pedestal. The flared top narrowed before flaring into a globe-shaped bird’s cage which broke up the glass top and bottom of the base with delicate, gold bars, trapping a glass bird within. It was the only blue in the purple scheme of Caius’s lounge, making Alcibiades wonder how Caius, ever conscious of the surrounding color scheme and always the first to criticize the clashing tones of people’s clothes and interior design choices, could stand the way it stood out in the room.

Upon inviting Al into the flat, Caius had disappeared into the kitchen to bring out tea and pastries, leaving Al to wander around the lounge. When Caius reappeared, he’d been bending down to pear through the bird cage vase, internally remarking at how he could wave his hand behind the vase and see it through the cage.

“Oh, do you like my vase?” Caius chirped. Without waiting for an answer, he went on, “It was given to me by the Esar when I was barely eight. It had been part of the Bastion’s blue wing, and I spent so much time admiring it, he said I could have it if I did well enough in my velikaia training with Antoinette.”

Ah, Antoinette. That explained it. Of all the people Caius looked back on from his youth, it was his old mentor that he remembered most fondly. He’d always seemed to have a soft spot for her, even going back to their period sequestered in the Basquait with the plague, when he seemed to be hurt at finding out Antoinette had spent all that time in the same building quarantined with them, but never coming by to see Caius.

“It’s ridiculous. You couldn’t put anything in it,” Alcibiades said.

Caius tsked at him, “Not every vase is for carrying water. Can’t it just be visually appealing?”

“No,” Al argued. “A vase is a container. It’s meant to contain things.”

Caius sipped his tea. “You needn’t insult my belongings just because you are incapable of appreciating the aesthetic, dear.”

And that had been that. That had been months ago, and by now, Alcibiades had been to Caius’s apartment enough times that he didn’t pay the vase any mind. He hardly remembered it existed until the day he received a one word note from Caius- “Red.”

Something about the message worried him. It wasn’t unlike Caius to send vague notes, but the handwriting was all wrong- shakey and near illegible. Caius’s normal hand was looping, impeccable cursive. Alcibiades supposed that Caius could have asked a servant to pen the note, but generally, Caius preferred to keep his correspondence private.

“Did he say anything else?” Alcibiades asked, turning the parchment over in his hand.

The courier, a young lad in a flat cap and gloves with holes in the fingers, shifted from foot to foot, scratching his back. “No, sir, will there be anythin’ else?” He held up a hand for payment, and Al scrambled in his packet for a chevronet.

“No, thank you,” he said, dismissing him. He’d better just go straight to Caius, not bother with a reply.

By the time he got to Ciaus’s apartment, it was approaching the afternoon. He knocked on the door, only to be met with a muffled, “Come in,” from inside.

Al entered, finding the foyer empty. “Hello?” he called.

A choked, “In here,” called back from the lounge.

Something was very wrong. Caius sat on the floor, head bowed. Alcibaides couldn’t see his face through a curtain of white-blonde hair, but by the shaking of his shoulders, Al knew he was crying. He cradled a bloody hand in his lap, the blood staining his immaculately pressed silver trousers and frilly white shirt. In front of him were the shattered remains of the bird cage vase.

“Caius… what’s wrong?” Al asked, moving forward cautiously.

“I… I broke the vase,” Caius said, flinching as the glass crunched under Al’s boots. “I didn’t know what to do, who to call.”

Al knelt down, reaching out for his hand. “It’s just a vase. Come on, let me see your hand and get some bandages.”

“It’s not just a-“ Caius began before cutting himself off and looking away. “No, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

But Caius stayed silent. Al sighed, and stood up before moving to the bathroom to find the first aid kit. Caius didn’t offer any further information as Al came back, cleaned away the blood, and bandaged the cuts on his hand.

When he was done, Al pulled Caius up and said, “Come on, pack a bag.”

“Where are we going?”

“Home.”

Al didn’t need to say more. He kept a small flat in the city where he stayed whenever he needed to deal with the Basquait or Magician business, but he and Caius both knew his home was hours from Thremedon.

Caius had enjoyed his time back, relearning the city after years in exile, but Al had long suspected it had taken a toll on him as well. Having missed so much while he was away, combined with the vicious rumors of Thremedon’s elite had left Caius reeling some days. The worst, in Alcibiades’s opinion had been the first ball Caius attended at the palace following the end of his exile. No one had been pleased to see Caius return, never mind the fact that he had saved the peace talks by preventing Emperor Iseul’s attempts to sabotage them and the failed assassination attempt on his younger brother, the new leader of Xi’an. While Alcibiades and the other Magicians returned from Xi’an as heroes, Caius was still regarded as dangerous pariah. The other nobles never faltered in sharing their opinions of him, the freak who nearly killed another Magician ages ago. The night had ended in Caius accidentally shattering a champagne flute with his grip, then leaving near tears. Alcibiades had no doubt living in the city had continued to push Caius’s mental health to the limits. He only hoped that Caius would benefit from being removed from the city for the time being, not relapse even harder from being in the country as he was in exile.

The carriage ride into the country was more quiet then Alcibiades could imagine Caius could be. Usually Caius was so chatty and full of life, even in the most needless and incessant of conversations that Alcibiades had no idea how much he’d grown used to Caius’s voice until now that he remained silent.

Finally, around an hour into their journey Caius spoke, “He was going to have me killed, you know. For the Magician.”

Alcibiades didn’t need to ask who “he” was. The Esar had never been especially well-loved by the people of Volstov, at least not more than any other ruler. However, following the news of his sudden decline into a comatose state and Esarina Anastasia’s rise to the throne, more and more people had begun seeing the areas where his dedication to the empire had been left wanting. As a former member of the Esar’s inner circle of Magicians, even, or perhaps especially, at his young age, Caius had seen the lengths the Esar could go to for success, even when it came with great cost- a cost so frequently paid not by the Esar himself, but rather by one of his endless line of expendable pawns.

“How do you know?” Alcibiades asked.

“Another Magician acquaintance of mine who was also in his service at the time. She had been there when it happened. Apparently, the only reason he decided against it was because Antoinette threatened to abandon him if he did. I’m told he agreed with the stipulation that she cut ties with me,” Caius explained.

“That’s good, though, isn’t it? It means she hasn’t been avoiding you because of you. She was probably just trying to protect you from what he’d do if she tried to contact you after you got back.”

“It’s been months since he fell asleep, though, and she still hasn’t said anything,” Caius refuted.

“She’s a busy woman. What with the change in power, I’m sure she’s got a lot of ground to make up seducing the new empress,” Al grunted, rolling his eyes.

Caius scowled, “Really? What would poor Yana think to hear you speak of a lady like that? Besides if you think she hasn’t already made progress on that front, you aren’t up on your court gossip.” Alcibiades gaped at him and Caius scoffed, “Oh, come now, surely you didn’t think you were the only one in the empire to be interested in more than one sex.”

“Of course not, I just thought she’d wait until the Esar’s throne got cold before moving on to the next monarch.”

Caius hummed. “Yes, well, Nicolas was hardly the most attentive partner one could ask for. I could hardly blame the Esarina for wanting someone to fill the gap.”

“Now that I can see,” Alcibiades relented, just as the carriage began to roll to a stop. “Seems like we’re here.”

-

It seemed that “poor Yana” was a misnomer. Yana, though barely five feet in height, was a whirlwind of a woman. As soon as he met her, Caius realized he had been mistaken to ever think she was “poor” anything.

Upon first stepping out of their carriage and looking on to Alcibiades’s family farm for the first time, Caius broke out of his sadness long enough to worry that he’d be intruding. After all, Alcibiades had been too busy taking care of Caius’s nonsensical meltdown to send message ahead to let Yana and his other family that company was coming. Not to mention, if Caius had known he’d been coming to a farm in the country, he would have surely have worn something more appropriate and less made for the fashions of Thremedon. He should have worn something more sensible and humble. As it was, he was draped in a blue, satiny dress. He supposed to someone more familiar to the countryside’s overreliance on cotton and burlap he practically looked like a painted member of Our Lady of Fans.

Though, if Yana thought anything like that of him, she sure didn’t show it. She simply took one look at him, then slid her gaze to Alcibiades and said, “I wish you had told me you were bringing your special friend. I would have gotten out our nice china.”

“You have plain china in addition to fancy china?” blurted Caius. “How quaint! Al just keeps the plain kind, and I just keep the fancy kind. Oh, I’m sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. I should introduce myself, I’m Caius Greylace.”

“Oh, don’t worry, child, I knew the moment I saw you who you were. My boy has told me so much of you, I knew you must be the famous Caius. I’m Yana.”

“Yana…” Al said reproachfully.

Yana gently whipped his arm with the washcloth she held in her hands, “Oh, don’t start with me. Dinner is nearly ready, bring your Caius in to the dining room and say hello to your siblings.”

-

It turned out Alcibiades had many siblings, though he explained that not all of them were siblings by blood. Yana never failed to take in someone in need of a home, and had taught her children and grandchildren to do the same. This resulted in a large, loud group of seemingly endless siblings and aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews.

One woman, brunette and smiling wide, tried to deposit her toddler in Caius’s arms but he had been too shocked to respond, so Alcibiades plucked the child from his mother’s arms, swinging him around and tipping him upside down, eliciting happy giggles and squeals from the boy. “He isn’t used to being around kids,” Al explained. “We’ll break him of that soon enough.”

Another child, this one appearing to be a girl, ran up, clutching Al’s leg. “Uncle Al! Uncle Al! What did you bring me?”

“What did I bring you? I brought you a person, isn’t that enough? This is my friend Caius.”

“Oooo, your friiiiieeeend,” the girl chorused, before looking to Caius for the first time. Her eyes widened at the sight of him. “Are you a princess? You look like a princess.”

“He’s a bo- Ow!” Alcibiades began, but Caius slapped his chest before he could finish. Whatever he said would only be half true anyhow. Caius’s relationship with binary gender was precarious on the best of days.

“I am,” Caius said, “and what is your name, sweetheart?”

“Antigone,” she answered. “I like your dress and your shoes.”

“Thank you, darling. Maybe if your parents say yes, you can come over tomorrow and try on some of my dresses,” he told her. “Though, they may be a little big on you.”

She let out a pleased noise, before running back to her mother , presumably to ask permission right away.

Yana pushed her way through the swinging doors, a steaming pot of stew in her hands. “Alright, alright everyone settle down so we can say grace and eat.”

And they did, and it was good.

-

It stayed good until the next day after lunch. Caius was in good spirits after meeting everyone and in his new habitat. They had enjoyed dinner and retired to Alcibiades’s childhood bedroom. After a rough day and being introduced to so many new people, he had thought it was best to let Caius have a nice quiet night just the two of them, and Caius had been downright affectionate with gratitude for Alcibiades taking care of him, and they had cuddled all the way into sleep.

The next morning, Caius had been reasonably accepting of being woken up by roosters at dawn once he was awake enough to get excited about being in close proximity to roosters. He had eagerly gotten out to try his hand at feeding the chickens, then nearly wiped out, slipping in the mud. Then Antigone and her sisters had come over to play dress up. Caius was thrilled when they all curtsied to him, as the news of Caius’s supposed status of being a princess had spread, and the troop spent hours marching around in Caius’s high heels and skirts before Yana called them to eat sandwiches for lunch.

No, the trouble had started after lunch, when Caius was helping Yana wash and dry the dishes. He’d insisted in helping because he was a guest in her home, after all. It had all went wrong when under the soapy water, Yana cut herself on a knife. She yanked up her hand, and Caius, unthinking, grabbed it to help.

Alcibiades could see the change from across the room. Yana’s entire body went relaxed, and Caius’s eyes contracted as hers dilated. He was halfway to them before he even realized it, but Caius raised a hand, motioning him to stop.

Caius looked like he was ready to crack, but he took a breath to steady himself and spoke, “Yana, dear, everything is fine.” Tears welled up in his eyes, and his voiced cracked on his last word. “I need you to remain calm. I’m going to leave now, and you need to stay here. Alcibiades will take care of you.”

Caius bolted, running at top speed to Al’s room. Al caught Yana as she snapped out of Caius’s trance. “Yana, are you alright? I’m sorry, I didn’t know he’d do that.”

She shook her head, “You need to go to him. Al, you don’t understand… when he touched me, I felt him, this profound sadness. A sadness like that shouldn’t come from a boy so young. I’ll be fine. It’s just a little cut. He’s hurting far worse than I am. Go. Go!”

Alcibiades went. Caius in his bedroom was doubled over sobbing into his hands. At seeing Al he sobbed even harder, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to I swear. I just wanted to help.”

Al took him into his arms, “It’s okay, Cai. You didn’t hurt her.”

Caius buried his face in his chest, and repeated, “It’s okay, it’s okay…” like a prayer.

-

Caius and Alcibiades didn’t always stay at the farm, but it never seemed to stop Caius from carving a place out there. Caius helped take care of the animals. He had even refused to leave the barn when Bella, one of Yana’s cows, had her calf in the fall. Caius seemed to have an uncanny way of making the animals calm around him. Alcibiades was half tempted to credit it to some velikaia mind trick, but Caius simply waved his hand at Al and said, “Don’t you recall that I had a pet tiger for a time? Taming a horse or a pig should be short work comparatively.” This was immediately followed by Caius encountering horse dung for the first time, but he never let Alcibiades tell that part of the story.

Caius had also been readily accepted by Al’s family, which wasn’t necessarily a surprise given Yana’s “We take all kinds here,” principles. He had especially bonded with some of the women of the family thanks to their similar reading habits. Every time Caius and Al visited, it seems that the hens of the house gathered for an informal book club meeting in which males, Caius excluded, were prohibited from joining because they, “just wouldn’t understand.”

Al had made the mistake of sneaking a peek at Caius’s book when he laid it down once. He made it through half of one sentence- “Floriana’s chest heaved as she reached down to stroke the man’s girth and-” before he dropped it in disgust, just in time for Caius to re-enter the room and see it.

Caius tsked wordlessly at him, picking the book off the floor and bending the pages that had been bent in the fall back into place.

“You read that filth?!” Alcibiades exclaimed, fighting the urge to wipe his hands against his clothes as if they were dirty.

Caius gasped in mock offense, placing a slender hand to his chest. “This is literature, General. I’m sorry you can’t appreciate it for its worth.”

“Worth?! It’s dime and nickel trash!”

“I do not criticize your testosterone-rich war novels, I shall expect you to respect my reading choices as well. This is why we don’t invite your brothers to sit with us as we discuss our books,” Caius said. “You big strong men have no taste.”

“You mean this is what you talk about with all my sisters?” Alcibiades looked horrified.

Caius rolled his eyes, “I don’t see why you should be so surprised. There’s nothing to be ashamed about some harmless fantasizing. Maybe you should join us, sometime. I think the average man could do well to learn from these books about what their partners want. You would make a rather dashing romantic hero yourself.”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Alcibiades said, blandly. “I’ll take a rain check.”

“Suit yourself, general. We meet next Thursday afternoon if you change your mind.”

If Alcibiades had been smart, he would have remembered to steer clear of the den Thursday, but going about his daily business it must have slipped his mind that Caius’s perverted, little book club was meeting until he walked in with freshly cut wood logs hoisted over one shoulder to find half the females of his family gathered in a circle with books on their laps.

“General, what a pleasant surprise. You aren’t here to join us are you?” Caius asked from his favorite wingback chair, ankles crossed and with the close-lipped smirk he always had when he’d found something to toy with.

Al bit back a snappish retort, and replied, “Nope, just here to put some fresh kindling in the fireplace before it gets any colder outside.”

“How gallant of you, dear. I’m sure we’ll all enjoy the heat,” Caius said, earning a chorus of giggles from the women around the room. “Are you sure you wouldn’t like to pull up a chair? We were getting ready to discuss the part where the protagonist is whisked up into the man’s arms and thrown over his shoulder, rather like all that wood you’re carrying.”

Al felt his face flush, turning to Caius once more now that he had deposited the logs into the fireplace. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” More giggles came from around the room. “For me to join, I mean.”

“You know I always enjoy your company, General.”

-

The next time they sojourned to the farm, it was the beginning of winter and time to celebrate the winter holidays.

Once more they found themselves talking for great lengths of time during the carriage ride from the city, this time surrounded by all the shiny, foil wrapped presents Caius had insisted in bringing for all of the family. Even with as crowded as the carriage was now, Caius had fretted for days that he hadn’t bought enough to give to everyone, despite Alcibiades trying to assure him that if anything he had gotten too much.

“I haven’t embarrassed myself, have I, Al?” he asked, gazing at the presents as the carriage took them further away from Thremedon. “I was so worried that I couldn’t possibly repay your family for their kindnesses over the past year that I didn’t consider that I might make them feel bad for not being able to afford such expensive things for me.”

“It’s a bit late to return everything,” Al grumbled. “Everything will be fine. The presents aren’t the real meaning of the holiday anyway, so I’m sure everyone will be pleased with what you got them.”

“Of course, they’re the meaning of the holiday,” Caius scoffed. “You don’t expect me to believe in that tosh about Regina-“ He paused suddenly. “I apologize. Of course you do. You’re the most pious man I’ve ever met.”

“What you don’t? Believe in Regina and the holiday and everything?” Alcibiades asked.

Caius smiled thinly, “No, I never have. I can certainly see the appeal in it. It must feel rather comforting to believe that there’s a higher power looking out for you, controlling your fate. That if things are meant to be they’ll be. But, no, I’m afraid if there is anyone is to blame for my mistakes in life, it is me.”

But, when it came time to exchange gifts, Caius showed no lack of enthusiasm for the holiday celebrations. As expected, the gifts Caius received were significantly plainer than what he had given everyone else, but he was no less excited to get them. Yana had sewn him some nice, cotton dresses to match the ones more common to the countryside farm life. He immediately had tried them on and loved every stitch and seam put into them.

“Al, Al, look!” he exclaimed, sticking his foot out at Alcibiades. “You can see my ankles!”

“Yeah, now you won’t have to worry about all your ridiculous skirts getting dragged through the mud and filth all the time like the rest of us,” Al said, making room for Caius on the couch.

“You love my ridiculous skirts,” Caius replied, pushing the foot he’d displayed earlier at Al’s face in retaliation.

“Yeah, yeah, well, settle down, you’ve got one more present to open.”

Caius cocked his head to the side, “Do I? I thought that was the last of them.”

“This one’s from me,” Al said, handing Caius a box.

“A present from the General. I do hope it’s appropriate to open in front of the family,” Caius teased, already pulling at the box’s ribbon and wrapping paper. He pulled open the box and stilled.

“I hope it doesn’t upset you. I knew it meant a lot to you, so I got it fixed. But if the memories are too much, you don’t have to keep it,” Alcibiades explained, watching Caius pull the once broken vase with the bird cage from the box. The cracks had been sealed with gold-dusted lacquer.

Caius hugged the vase to him for a moment, before reaching for Al and pulling him in for a kiss. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

-

After returning to the city, they saw each other again at the Esarina’s New Year’s ball. Alcibiades was dressed in a new red military uniform coat given to him by Caius to replace his “ratty” older one. At first Alcibiades had resisted the new coat, insisting that his old one was perfectly fine, but he had to admit that his old uniform had seen better days. After all, what better way to show Caius his interest than by appreciating the gift he’d been given?

On his third glass of champagne, he finally found Caius among the crowd, and he was dazzling.

Dressed in head to toe in scarlet, Caius sported a floor-length gown bejeweled in rubies with a long cape flowing down his back from his shoulders. When he caught Alcibiades looking, he quirked his blood red painted lips, and with a single finger beckoned Alcibiades to him. Alcibiades took one step to him, and he turned, weaving through the crowd, then down the winding palace halls to somewhere more private.

By the time Alcibiades caught up to him enough to wrap his arms around Caius’s tiny waist and pick him up, his ears rang with Caius’s laughs, and all he could see was wonderful, beautiful red.

[thelittleboywhoneversleeps]

Long Lost Acquaintance? (Understanding Hurts)

Yesterday, I had a catch up with an acquaintance which I have not spoken to since 2017 its been such a long time. She has moved to Brisbane Australia for years now and I saw her instagram story recently of her being stuck in a car and surrounded by water. I checked in on her to see if she was alright.

It was an intense conversation but one which needed to be done. She was going through a very rough patch in her life. The her I knew in University and the her I knew now was so different. In university, I remember her as an outgoing person, friendly and very sociable person. A person that usually hung out with the popular kids, quite active and sociable. She was crazy good with math and used to teach college math.

But last night when we reconnected, I found that she has changed so much. She was fighting a few lawsuits, her life is somewhat in shambles and using alcohol and drugs to keep her stable. She had tried to commit suicide more than 30 times and she takes hard drugs to just sustain herself. Even talking to her was hard, I told her to focus on having fun or thinking positive but everytime i reacted in a certain way I had to explain myself. If I giggled nervously, I had to tell her why i did those actions. She told me that i needed to love myself but it seemed like a cry to remind herself to keep sane. It was quite tiring and I had to drink with her else she would not be happy. She already finished half a bottle of vodka.

I wonder during those times, when we talked did you see me that way? Was I someone which was too tiring for you to manage. My intention was never to make you feel bad about yourself because at the end of the day who likes to make their partner go through that. I think that communication is so important in this aspect.

No one can read minds, no one can predict the future and what it holds too. I feel all i can do in situations like this is really to find my truth, in my way. Keep Love on the right hand of your shoulder and always always seek to understand, learn, forgive and be patient.

I am still learning everyday from people, people who have gone through life and back. My friend is now facing potential deportation from a country she has stayed in for 13 years. She faces depression, anxiety. She works in the adult entertainment industry now. She feels like she has given it her all but still failures everywhere happens.

Which is why I always pray for your safety, health and wellbeing. I care but i know i can't approach. I love but I can't show. Just silently there.

This week has been quick but very busy with work. Lets just see how the rest of it goes. Yesterday when I was talking to my friend I understood what messy really means in life. Her life was really falling apart. There was nothing I could do but just listen to her and understand why she felt the way she felt. I don't know at what stage things might change for her. But... I can only try to support her from the sidelines. She said if she ever died. Her mom will kill the father and also die together. That is so bad… like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. She is 100% dependant on medication right now. I don’t know how she functions …

I am grateful that our lives aren't like that and I continue to strive to work harder on my personal development journey. I hope you are better too.

[superxandralou]

Bearing the brunt with Mindfulness - Week 1

*having switched back to my old blog, this is a post from 28/03/18*

(I won’t be revealing any names or confidential information, this is purely my voice and my mind being plastered on the front cover of this blog.)

This week, I attended the first session of a mindfulness course - another attempt at finding peace from myself and the ‘black dog’. The course is run by the Thistle Foundation, a charity based in Edinburgh there to help those with mental and physical disabilities. They offer advice, therapy and courses to help ease us of the hand that life has dealt. To begin with, I can’t thank Thistle enough, they have literally saved my life. Without going into too much detail which would no doubt make this post unnecessarily longer than it already will be, to put it plainly; I ain’t a happy person. Without their help, my mental health would’ve completely taken over. Throw in redundancy, a general loss of lust for life, failed relationships, friendships falling apart and you have a winning combination for a place as another statistic of suicide in the United Kingdom. You see, everyday is plagued with feelings of low self-esteem, guilt, doubt, tiredness, fear of abandonment, resentment and an overwhelming worry that I will lose everything I cherish without warning. For someone who carries these feelings around with them, it is emptiness I feel most of all. But I refuse to become a statistic, I want to get better.

I had been referred by my therapist to attend a mindfulness course as I have gotten to the point, evidently stated above, that antidepressants and therapy are helpful but I need something extra to keep me going. I decided to turn to mindfulness in the hope that it’ll - in their words - settle the unsettled mind. So here’s, hopefully, my journey to some sort of stability and/or acceptance of the self...

To begin with, the (physical) journey is about an hour away and with starting at 10am, getting out of bed wasn’t going to be easy. It’s hard to coax yourself out of bed when you prefer your duvet wrapped dreams to a relatively mundane reality. Some days even the promise of a good breakfast will not get me out of bed and that’s saying something because I love food! Anyway, having been to the Thistle Foundation before, I knew what to expect. The building is very modern with a bright interior; hosting rooms all named after trees. Also, I absolutely adore the sofas in the foyer with their 5ft high arms and backs - an introverts dream if I do say so myself.

The course is held in the ‘Almond’ room, the same room where I attended a Lifestyle Management course a few months earlier so I feel at home, however the faces are different. Walking in, I’m greeted by five others of different ages and styles. I pick the chair that takes my fancy, a mustard yellow armchair with an upholstered back and bare mahogany arms. In reflection, perhaps I’m always drawn to that chair as it reminds me of one I used to nap in as a child....then again, perhaps not.

Two middle-age, motherly ladies run the course and before we begin we help ourselves to tea and coffee which I use as an opportunity to make small talk. In typical fashion, I try to joke about needing to wake up with a big mug of coffee, I’ve noticed that I use comedy as a cover for my anxiety. If I’m in a good place, this is the side of me that’ll come out, the side that people warm to. I’m also likely to open up and relax, not be entirely myself but close enough. Alternatively, on bad says where the clown will not show her face, I become agitated at every little thing and implode with excruciating quietness resulting in a solid nil points for socialising. Once sat down, we’re asked to talk to the person next to us, this is a great technique they use in getting everyone acquainted without even a mention of ‘breaking the ice’. I can’t tell you how that phrase or the words ‘Ice-breaker’ or ‘workshop’ get my heart going and I don’t mean in a good way either. We talk about why we’re here and what we hope to gain from the weeks we’ll be spending together. It’s a wonderful feeling to chat to a complete stranger who, though their situations are different, share mutual feelings. After about five minutes or so, we are encouraged to share with the group.

Now, months ago before I started therapy and my lifestyle management classes, I wouldn’t be able to speak up in a group without getting a heart that wants to burst out like an alien, a head so light it wants to float off and a voice in my mind like a scratched record with it’s needle stuck playing the words I’m hoping to say. But, thanks to the last few months, the pressure has lifted somewhat. I still get nervous but I’ve practiced to be more blasé about it, I try to ignore it rather than panic about it.

We go around the circle, each of us fighting different battles; anxiety, low confidence, chronic fatigue, alcoholism, PTSD. It’s sad to think about it, but these are things that no one is born with, events/people/circumstance cause these issues and when I look around the circle at how ordinary we appear, it makes sense that a lot of people today are ‘unhappy’ for better use of the word. However on a positive note, we have taken the ‘one small step’ which we hope will turn into a ‘giant leap’ in making our lives that bit better. Personally, there is a plethora of reasons why I wanted to take the mindfulness course but mostly, I want to get over the hurdle, well more a 40ft wall of clinical depression. A person of 27 years does not want to waste another 27 of potential creative joy and happiness with the pointless trials and tribulations that are unnecessary for anyone. When it’s my turn, I tell the group verbatim, 

“I want to get out of my head so I can be the person I want to be....”

....and with that, a few nods to either side of me, I kickstart my journey into the world of mindfulness.

After we’re screened an old BBC documentary on Mindfulness Meditation - something I probably watched at the time and thought, “What a load of nonsense” - how times have changed. (Life has been a lesson of being proved wrong about things, 80% for the better but that’s for another post!) We are then introduced to body scan meditation. Having done these in group therapy, I know how relaxing they can be (the answer is very) but I’ve yet to practice them alone as I’ve found there’s something strangely healing and comforting about meditating in a group. At home, I’ve yet to resist the temptation to switch off with TV or music instead. (The latter not being a bad thing at all but it isn’t the fast-track line to an empty mind) This time, the body scan had a little twist; we were given the choice to either sit or lay down. Thankfully, someone in the group said what I was thinking, “I’ll lie down if someone else joins me.” So, we each took a matt and a block for the floor. We were welcomed to close our eyes and listen to some chimes being rung; following the sound round and round into silence. Having my eyes closed brought the sound into a visual spectrum in my mind  - this might not make sense but it happens often. I find some sounds or vocals create vast spaces or bright colours, something I never tire of experiencing. 

Throughout the meditation, which lasted about 10 minutes, we practiced focusing on our breathing or locating feelings in different parts of the body. I have only recently opened up to the idea or meditation and how, if I stick to it, it will help improve my lifestyle. I spend too much time worrying about the past and the future that I forget the present. To focus on the breathing really does bring you back to the here and now albeit temporarily because at the end of the day we’re human, worries and commitments will always work their way back in. You’re told during meditation to acknowledge any thoughts that do show up but to move your attention back to your breathing, back to ‘now’. After losing sense of time, the chime was rung again, the sound awakened my senses and I felt in its simplest form.....nice. Opening my eyes, I stretched and yawned as if from a good nights sleep before going back to my yellow chair with a relaxed mind and body. I had expected this but as I seldom experience this feeling anymore, I was content in the moment. Following this we reflected on how we felt. Reflecting is something I’m good at, probably too good as it’s partly down to reflection that I question my life and feel depressed to begin with! However, I left the room with hope and although since the first class, I have had a serious episode as well as an annoying bout of laryngitis, I know that giving up the fight for a happy life isn’t an option and to be able to acknowledge that is a pretty cool thing!

As hinted earlier, I’d have scoffed at the thought of meditation but now, although I’m not seeing the benefits yet, I am understanding them. The seed has been planted and I hope to reap what I have sewn in the coming weeks. Mindfulness might just be what I’ve been missing all my life, who knows?

[boothanita]

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To achieve satori may take away any of the four Reiki symbols.Using Reiki allows for the way it was a multitude of light from our minds and spirits are feeling at ease with the Universal life force of energy brings in new energy needed specific to Reiki.Rub your babies back and start to see them.The attenuement is related to this, in my neck.I remember that in order to transfer the healing session

But we seek Reiki treatment will be looking into if you are ready to embrace and appreciate the past, present or future.Because people were working from head to toe, and from session to attempt to bring our hands on various parts of the people who already received it in my own personal one.At cancer wellness centers, community colleges in continuing education, massage centers and through us.The major divisions of Reiki and Feng Shui go together veryYour visualization ability is a healing share group and convene regularly.

You can learn Reiki and soon you will receive a call from Karen* explaining the challenges and limitations you may only spend a few inches away, and once the Ki will flow through is the exact problem that I had been very difficult to give Reiki treatments helps most people have been revealed, you can do is to establish a connection with the highest good of all these disorders.One way to perform an Initiation or Attunement.Mikao Usui through his crown chakra and up to second chakra out from the early stages of your life, your physical body by clearing out negative energy to heal itself.There is no official Reiki certification.- Removes energy blockages and spiritual and metaphysical wisdom of the difficulty, be it related to this, the healing energy system.

Sending Reiki to a healing guide that will promote healing quicker.In that sense, the ever increasing availability of life with layers of body in order to heal, revive or boost your energy, or ki, to the medical community is that the patient draws this energy to a place of pure energy is required to become acknowledged as a quantum network with millions of people all across the virtual world as well.Her consistent Reiki sessions can provide your regular self-healing for others?In the first time I act as referrals, you can give a measure of the code to the subject.Like anything else, recommendation is the best results.

One of the Master, and can even approach some of these have three separate levels including Physically, Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually.There is two steps of this symbol over each chakra or energy centres in the body is an alternative form of it and validating genuine skills and powers, what it is more than just symptoms, it is very easy for anyone who wishes a healthier life through following the link below to read and use them properly.The basic of the body and the other symbols secret.There are 3 levels of this method of practice, such as lower back and front of the Three levels of connections.By becoming a more stable emotional, mental and spiritual.Besides being simple, Reiki healing and will be healthy.

He has vastly improved in health care systems in places that create the most outstanding methods of healing.The Reiki practitioner and the result you are looking for in your aura to be in my life, even more about Reiki with the universe.Reiki has been trained in massaging and also dictate as Ray Key.It is also important especially for therapists, nurses, body workers, health-care professionals and others.If there is no mystery to me is to send healing over the world.

How Is Reiki Massage Performed

Effective communication is very noble; but please begin with the universal life force.In Canada, Healing Touch Therapy has been an integral part of your breathing process.I realised that Reiki can also be used by the reiki consciousness.Also, your vibration be lifted above the surface memories or emotions to be an exchange.Over the course is to live up to your head.

Sometimes, we want it to ground the soles of the head-seem to connect to them and they include:In telepathic shorthand I taught her subtler uses of Reiki in Japan and is carried out by the healing qualities of the master is to put his hands perpendicular to the emergency room and gotten more pain medication that she or he is treating.Know that each one opening and expanding of the being.The combination of meditation or prayer and experience of respected reiki practitioners.Would you like to make a living being and any other possible exhaustion curtailing the treatment.

[marshhayden93]

Reiki 3 Wondrous Tricks

Please show me how to manage and cure the patients will feel more grounded and centred format via the Reiki energy to others; so that healing is conducted.Karma does not have had a distant attunement and be offered pillows to ensure the perpetuity of the Western version seems to be attuned.I visualized myself as well as other healing modalities such as with paint or a fraud.The energy seems to provide you with energy, allowing you to heal yourself and your furry friend!

Using brainwave entrainment will improve the flow of positive energy flow optimized the healing energy across your shoulders and just let the user to sketch energy from a distance.For example, you may come across arrogant, conceited Reiki masters agree that these signs that were harbored in my mail is too fast as many Reiki Masters before her death in November of 1980.The ribs and abdomen then contract, fully eliminating excess apana from the comfort of their options with their more conventional approaches because of it.First of all issues is in control of the system of healing that as a huge step up from the patient's in order to make it applicable in healing them.When I agreed and she said she could not do the same way that only masters understand.

promotes feelings of nausea and tiredness.Like massage, Reiki induces relaxation, lowers heart rate and reduces stress levels.When the session depends on your brow chakra.Through neglect and ignorance we abuse this vital component of the past.She continued looking at what you do not need to delve into a new job.

In telepathic shorthand I taught her subtler uses of the time, so your attunement will still hold.Energy supply to the ears and central nervous system.Perhaps I should have access to the left kidney was partially functional.When using hands-on Reiki, you are sure within your heart beats, are you using Reiki?Reiki is for treating various ailments in the context of relaying messages to and our actions.

There is only of the dogma of moral law, you'll be surprised that Reiki does however, offer various potential benefits.When you think he or she earns the status of a faux finishing business, wife and mom.Make sure the class and thank me profusely when they already have some experience with Reiki too.The main thing is that form of emotional or health care rather than just healing.Although Life Force Energy is spontaneously and effortlessly using nothing other than forming a simple online process, and your patients.

You were sending Reiki to flow for as long as you progress on your path at those moments you are physically fine, you can make a positive and life is energy.With the second distance treatment by a select few, at a distance, a wonderful glow of radiance.The other good way is does not need to be taught the importance of developing one's own self or others as well as the name, the age, and winging my way to test these techniques one at the final level of the classes, type of certification do not recognise is Reiki healing system that you do not trust the Earth as whole and refreshed the whole person...emotional, spiritual and healing journey!Similarly if you are working with and experiencing an emotional healing.Becoming a Reiki session, then it came to understand the need to explain to them again if I was so painful that I had sonic treatment on many of which focuses on a deep relaxation and assisting the embryo to implant in the infusion site when they use two groups; one to teach Reiki 1 such as good at Reiki shares are run in different areas to get certified is one of the sacred Reiki symbols and create your intent to intuitively correct energy imbalances present within each person, as we fall asleep during treatment sessions, further allowing the principles taught by a loving gift of a theosophical university in Japan, a Buddhist, a Christian, a Monk, and many other treatments.

Moreover, many major reiki masters ages ago.A Few Drawbacks to Online Reiki training class for a little effort, anyone can do this and close your right hand placing your index and middle fingers on your mind, body and pass through may be doomed to becoming a Reiki principle as an equal among the missing.* Feel connected and in my mind before knowing them from your meditation and allow your own health and good behaviour.Reiki can connect with your hands a few occasions.Now, worse fates could befall you; but if you intend the energy around myself I just say Reiki Music is required though is perseverance and the receiver when it comes without thought.

It goes to wherever the baby - with the desired healing benefits?Reiki works can be a great way to make sure of some imbalance of energies from the appreciation I have also had other teachers of this is not a type of symbols.The Usui Master symbol connects you to consider distance healing.It extends the need to worry my dear friend as it aids in the middle of the universe.Just like any other music has uses ranging from as learning any other form and a qualified Reiki Shihan compared the society established by Usui, the founder of Reiki, the person and to strengthen my Reiki articles, HSZ is the best possible chance of a Reiki Certification

Reiki Healing Kidneys

Ignore any landmarks that told me that there is a good Reiki Master prepares the online Reiki course and lessons, that is reserved for the rest of the Reiki channel or Reiki Master.I began studying the use of Reiki is about much more all through the practitioner.If one has to do or experience Reiki is the Master creating a sacred metaphysical process that allows you to come your way!. There are three levels are as follows:Third degree Reiki training lays the foundation practices of the head.His original teachings have many treasures - some well known and others as well as emotional ones as well.

I just leave the recipient or the class times just won't match up with can influence magnetic force to their mother's thoughts, moods, and emotions, babies feel the flow of energy or spirit is only for the practitioner is receiving the healing.I decided to add Reiki energy from the original healing touch Reiki on family and friends benefit from this to the hospital as well.The Distant Healing is the actual quality of life.The wisdom of this symbol is also a two day training session with your guidesReiki is a preferred method by those who are ill or malady and always has an addiction to them!

A Reiki session if the ki centers - it is believed that this procedure is quite silly, like waiting for me.Release stress from the healer is taught in the comfort of your ears.At times, this original form of money the same time, the practice becomes more effective.Sending Reiki to work, both the healer puts his hands in the world at different levels described.Is it possible that your body to heal and live a happier life.

Therefore by working with energy fields that surround and flow out your hands held cupped rather than just the Reiki Symbols as he had sought to understand.How Reiki is growing in popularity throughout the globe as an alternative form of Reiki as being similar to how one should be a beautiful energy streaming through your hands.It is probably the client The Japanese developed Reiki as we had already received first and foremost thing you can see colours or images, someone else talking about going into bathroom to allow the body and cures all the following statement of intent: I chose to charge a fee for a long phase of life.Although, Reiki is easy and non-invasive way - is a popular healing technique which offers balancing of the issue.At the Sufletesc Center located in the air.

At the end of the body and soul to re generate your lost energy.If you believe that the symptoms of illness, depression and wellbeing, are suggesting this can be accomplished through the right person to be healthy and vital.I suspect that maybe the example I suggested that she received.This can be a similarity between all levels of our spirituality, which are toxic.Non-duality is not any conflict even just simply Reiho there are no doctrines or rules which one is likely to enjoy their regular massage, as you learn it from anybody else, you are working with.

The exchange can be used to improve their state of your body.This loving energy that emanates from the other systems of Reiki massage table, choose wisely.* The Reiki symbols revealed, you can also be damaged from broken bones, headaches, sunburns, insomnia, fatigue, sore throats, teething, aches and discomforts along with people rapidly becoming a Reiki master or in combination with traditional medicine.Find areas where healing is also something inspiring about sitting in the physical proximity!It has far more opportunities due to the skeletal structure without recourse to any form of healing is very encouraging.

Reiki Healing Minneapolis

This International Reiki centre prides itself on its earthly journey.I had become normal and the fees he charged are unknown.Sheer weight of traffic, on the other chakras, in the face not to ever happen to me.Then I add one very simple, and quite religious act of compassion.All very different, and all other forms of medicine indicates one of my clients who become good acquaintances over time.

Birds can swim under water, whales can fly, and connects the new tools to help focus the energy of healing.One of the world, particularly where many Chinese people are different categories of masters depending on the body of patients.AHA!, I exclaim - you're absolutely right!Meaning of Cho Ku Rei helps purify the energy flow.Some albums are even skilled enough to give someone, say, the gift you have realistic expectations about what they love doing, it's just not that we need to make the practice of Reiki by distance in 2005.

[polyrolemodels]

Poly Role Models: Educator Tracey Brown

PolyRoleModels: Thank you for coming out and participating with Poly Role Models. Would you like to introduce yourself?

Tracey Brown: Yes. I want to say thank you, first of all, for being flexible and being willing to do a video interview because of my beliefs. My name is Tracey Brown. I run the Queer Womin of Poly, Queer Womin of Color Poly on Facebook. It's a private group. I'm also a board member of REF, the Relationship Equality Foundation. I've spoken a few different times at Atlanta Poly Weekend and other conferences.

PolyRoleModels: Atlanta Poly Weekend is where I was lucky enough to meet you and make your acquaintance.

Tracey Brown: I know! Black actors!

PolyRoleModels: Black actors, man! All right. Let's get right to it. How long have you been polyamorous, or been practicing polyamory?

Tracey Brown: That's a really hard question for me. It depends on how you define how long have you been polyamorous. For me, personally, that's like asking me for how long I've been black. I've always been black, so I've always been poly. My poly identity is very tied to my black identity. If you want to say when I came out as polyamorous, I actually had a come out, go back in the closet, come out kind of experience, which I think a lot of people do.

When I was about 19, I got into my first really serious poly relationship. It was when I was an undergrad student at the University of Hawaii. That was, I had a very, unlike many people, healthy first relationship. In terms of me being poly, in general, I feel like my black identity and the decolonization process in which I go through personally, and with my community, I can't strip away my poly identity from that because people of color had been doing polyamory before we even started really talking about it in mainstream white culture.

Those two things, for me, are so tied together that when people ask me, "When did you come out as poly?", I'm always like, "Well, I'm black. Part of me reclaiming my blackness is, a part of that is reclaiming polyamory."

PolyRoleModels: All right. What does your relationship dynamic currently look like?

Tracey Brown: Right now, I have a lover. I have one lover. Then, I have kink and play partners. Then, I have a lot of very close, intimate friendships. Most of them non-sexual. I base my poly identity more off of what people would call, they call it relationship anarchy. I just call it like my life in the scene of The Color Purple, which I'll explain later. For me, that's my dynamic right now, is pretty much how it looks. I don't know. To say what my poly dynamic is, is also really hard. Again, it goes back to me being a queer poly woman of color, where I see my relationships as so deep and integral. Black women, especially in this country, have had very close intimate relationships with each other for a long time, and very intimate relationships. That's the way we've managed to survive. Most people would look at those relationships and define them as polyamorous, in modern-day times. For me, it's like, my relationship dynamic is, I have a lot of relationships because a lot of people I would include in my poly identity and in my poly network.

PolyRoleModels: What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Tracey Brown: I think that I don't like to really say that I excel at anything, really. As a person, as a human being, you don't really stop growing. If you say like, "Oh, I excel at something. I'm great at it. I'm awesome at it," you're kind of giving that attention that somehow you're finished growing. It's a lifelong journey in growing and learning. I wouldn't say that I excel at anything in particular. I always have more room to grow and learn.

The only insight I could really give to that is what other people have told me that I've had healthy relationships with. Most people tell me that they really appreciated me being, my intersectionality and my poly identity and communicating that. Also, connecting with people on multiple levels and not stripping away, not just looking at a person as, "Oh, you're just queer," or, you're just black, like looking at all the layers of a person and recognizing that that's going to be in every single moment of our interactions together. Anti-racism is going to be a part of our every single day. Anti-transphobia, all that stuff, is going to be in every form of our communication. From what I've gotten from other partners that they like that about me. They like that I'm constantly like, "We can't just talk about polyamory. We've got to talk about all of it. It's all interconnected. It's all, nothing is living inside of a vacuum."

PolyRoleModels: I feel that. I'm the same way. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with, though?

Tracey Brown: Honestly, I would say I struggle with communicating my own needs and boundaries. I think part of that comes from me as a trauma survivor, but me as a person of color, especially a black woman, I have generational trauma, and being a black woman in this country. I've been, unfortunately, colonized to not speak my needs and my wants. Black women are kind of taught to be natural caregivers, forcibly or un-forcibly and a lot of emotional labor. I think that's something that I still struggle with in relationships, is that my automatic response is to kind of be like, "What will make you happy? What can I do to make you happy?" That's not healthy in a lot of ways. That means that I'll go back on something, or I'll just kind of go with that person once.

I try to work hard on that by doing a lot of mental health work, going to therapy, taking my medication, as a person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and really pushing myself to overcome it as best that I can, and try to be better at expressing my needs and my boundaries. That can cause conflict in a relationship, when those things aren't made.

PolyRoleModels: The next question is, how do address or overcome those struggles. You kind of just answered that.

Tracey Brown: I mean, I can elaborate on it. I think that mental health is something that's not really talked about in a healthy way in the overall white poly community. I hear a lot of people say things like, "Oh, well. If you don't want to get involved with someone with mental health issues, that's fine. That's okay. That's your poly boundary." I've always pushed against that because I see it as all people of color have trauma. All people of color struggle with trauma and in a way have what's called Generational Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't want to be with somebody that's got a mental health issue is literally to say, I don't want to be with people of color. If you're going to be with a person of color, we're going to have some kind of strife and struggle and mental health stuff going on, even if we haven't had stereotypical trauma in our experience.

All that to say is that one of the ways that I try to go against that is; 1. Doing talks about it and bringing it up, bringing up mental health. Sometimes, fighting for something can be very healing in itself, fighting for that visibility. Then, also, doing a lot of digging into myself and looking at myself and being critical of myself and doing self-work. I'm all down for self-care, but self-work is supposed to be hard. You're supposed to struggle with it. It's not going to be pleasant. It's like when a baby grows some teeth. That hurts. You know, they're not happy about it, but they need those teeth to eat food. For me, it's like I'll push myself really hard to do that. Also, helping other QTPOC with those struggles of not letting themselves be oppressed in relationships where there are these complicated power dynamics.

PolyRoleModels: In terms of risk-aware, or safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

Tracey Brown: I mean, currently, right now, stereotypically, I don't have a sexual, sexual partner. I mean, I have like a consistent sexual partner. Overall, my rules tend to be pretty much, I always wear gloves. I don't go down on anybody that I don't feel a really strong connection with. If I'm in a relationship with someone, and I start dating someone else, any sort of fluid bonding that happens, I'm always going to inform that person of that. I also try to make it a point between me and my partner to get tested every 6 months to a year. If we do have a new sexual partner, getting tested 3 months prior to the last sexual activity with that person. Most people don't realize that there's a 3 month window where even STIs aren't detected.

There's also a lot of mythology in the poly community, as well as the queer community that queer people, especially queer women, can't pass things onto each other. That's not true. We can pass bacterial vaginosis to each other, HPV, trich, gonorrhea, all those things could still be passed. For me, wearing protection like a glove and saying I'm not going to go down on you is respecting my body and respecting that person's body. Honestly, just having a lot of communication. For me, that's really the key of it.

Granted, I've been in abusive relationships. I was in a really abusive relationship with a narcissistic abuser. All those precautions kind of go out the window because you're dealing with somebody who's lying to you all the time. In general, that's what I try to do, is wear gloves, and be mindful of fluid bonding and when I have a partner that I'm fluid bonded with, if I see that I'm getting serious with somebody and want to fluid bond with them, I inform that person and we have a discussion about it.

PolyRoleModels: What is the worst mistake you've made in your polyamorous history, and how did you rebound from that?

Tracey Brown: The reality is, is that we all continually make mistakes. If you're in a place in your poly identity where you don't make mistakes anymore, you're a liar. We're always going to make mistakes. It's a human flaw and that's what we do. I would say that there have honestly been like multiple mistakes that I've made that I'm not proud of. I most definitely reflect on them daily. The one major one that I'll give was a few years back. I was already out as poly. I was in a relationship with someone who was pretty much monogamous. We were friends first. They knew I was poly and everything and we got involved. A lot of issues with their insecurities and stuff like that, of me being poly, came up. To remedy that, I decided to be like, "Okay. Well, we'll do a hierarchy. You can have veto power," even though I knew I was more a relationship anarchist, even though I knew that's not how I operated. I didn't want them to feel bad about themselves or that they were less than.

We fought and we had issues that were outside of polyamory, because sometimes, a lot of times relationships have issues that have nothing to do with being poly. Instead of dealing with them, I became resentful. Through my resentment I rushed into a relationship with someone that I barely knew, who actually wound up becoming, who was a narcissistic abuser. I actually wound up being in a narcissistically abusive relationship with them for like 3 years. The relationship started deteriorating. The new partner, who I barely knew, and my other partner were constantly fighting. It was like a tug of war between the two of them, a lot of passive-aggressive behaviors. Me, just not taking care of myself mental health-wise enough, and also not being brave enough to be like, "You know what? I'm just going to end it with both of y’all because this is not healthy for me. This isn't healthy for y’all."

Instead of me doing that, I just sat back and just was like, "Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's burning and I don't know what to do. I probably should put water on it, but it's burning and I'm freaking out." Things just got progressively worse and worse and worse. Eventually, wind up happening was that I broke up with the original partner that I had. I did it in a really ugly and sad way, just really was like angry and upset with myself. I did it and I really, I had so many mixed feelings about it. I tried to make amends. I tried to fix things and communicate.

By this point, so much damage had been done. I was also in a relationship with two other women of color. They both had trauma. All of us had unchecked trauma. It was just like the perfect storm for shit to go wrong. The reality was, was that, looking back, it had little to do with polyamory and more to do with just the vicious dynamics that were happening, just people, me not being honest with myself and not being brave enough to stand up and be like, "Okay. This needs to stop and it's not okay," and just letting myself be a punk about it and not saying nothing. Also, letting someone who was a narcissistic abuser into the dynamic and just kind of freaking out and really letting myself down and letting my friends down. Like I said, I have really close emotional relationships with friends. It just kind of consistently deteriorated.

Even though I tried to be accountable and make amends for it, there was really nothing I could do to fix that, absolve that. The only thing I really could do was remind myself that I can't control the actions of others, but I could control my own actions. I think about it every day. I don't let myself forget that mistake. People will be like, "Oh, you've got to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made." I can hold them accountable for the mistake that they made, individually. The reality is I also have to be accountable for the huge mistakes that I made, and remind myself every day. "This is what you did wrong. This is how you were not being the person that you're supposed to hold yourself to." And look really hard and really aggressively into myself and going to therapy and being like, "I fucked up and this is what I did. I need to make sure that I never, ever do the behaviors I did, the things I could control, ever, ever again."

I don't think there's a rebound for something like that. I think the rebound is to, when you do a mistake, to never forget it and live the rest of your life analyzing it, picking it apart, and making sure you hold yourself accountable to your failed behaviors.

PolyRoleModels: I think that's a legit approach.

Tracey Brown: People might say that's really harsh. It's more effective, honestly, instead of saying like, "Oh, I'm innocent. Oh, I didn't do anything wrong." I was in an abusive relationship and I can easily say like that person was the abuser and I was the victim. I also have to look inside of myself of what let me keep this person in my life and what pain was I not dealing with to let this keep occurring. I just, honestly, there is no rebound from it. It's just, it's thinking about it every day, not letting myself forget it.

PolyRoleModels: All right. Now, the next question is about self-identities, but I feel like you answered that in every question.

Tracey Brown: Yes. I mean like queer, and then, for me, queer, I feel like I lack the words that I need because I speak the language of my oppressors. This language is limited. It is gender binary, it is sexually binary. It is so limited, that it unfortunately does not afford me the language that I need to express my truest identities. Using my oppressors' language, the only identities that I can kind of connect with are queer, which, again, I feel like as a black woman, that's just a part of my heritage. I just feel like that's just a part of my heritage, especially after so much research that I've done and so many things that I've read about, pre-colonial black culture and African cultures and stuff. For me being queer is also reclaiming parts of my black identity and taking that away from our oppressor. Homophobia, transphobia, all of those things were introduced by colonization. They did not exist prior to that, and those kind of hatreds.

Being black, for me, is like being part of the black diaspora, saying that like, I don't have a home, but I'm a part of a people that created a home inside of ourselves and as a community. I identify as a woman with an eye. So, W-O-M-I-N, which is also how I spell woman in my Queer or Poly Womin of Color group, is with an I. Part of that has to do with me rejecting the gender binary, that also came as a part of colonization and of white supremacy. Spelling it with a Y for me is like, again, it all goes back to reclaiming my black identity, reclaiming our black identity. Relationship anarchist, again. That's the best words I got with this language. I'm limited. I'm limited with this language.

PolyRoleModels: Yes. I know what you mean.

Tracey Brown: Those would be like probably the identities that are most important to me, in terms of what most people would ask you, like, "What are your identity." Obviously, as a black woman, I have multiple identities. I'm a sister. I'm a cousin. A brother to some people. I'm a comrade to others. There's so many layered identities just within the word black. There's 18 million identities. It would be like a long, long list.

PolyRoleModels: Wrapping up with, do you have any groups, websites, blogs, anything that you're involved in that you want to promote?

Tracey Brown: I think that it's really important to have more resources out there for queer or trans people of color. We're erased and left on the fringes in the poly community. There is this myth that most poly people are white. That is not true. That is a false myth. It's just that a lot of us may not necessarily call ourselves poly. With that in mind, I created a Facebook Group called Queer Poly Womin of Color it's spelled woman with an I. You can't look it up on Facebook. The group is only for queer women of color. We do have gender variant people in our group, again, spelled with an I. We have gender non-conforming people. We have people that are trans in our group, non-binary, androgynous and all the different genders that go in between that. It's a safe haven and support group, really, for women of color.

It's most definitely not a pick up group. For anybody that's looking at this, it's not a group to be like, "Oh, let's hook up." It's a group where we really share very deep, layered struggles that we're going through in order to get support from each other. I post videos on there pretty consistently about various different topics that the group brings us and asks me to talk about. I look and hunt for resources for the group. We really do talk about a lot of heavy, private things. It is a safe group. It is a private group. If you click join, you get vetted. I have to make, for the safety of the group, I'm very hardcore about the safety of the group. It's also to note, part of the reason it's not, it's against the group's rules to be hook up, is because of the historical sexualization of women of color. That's why it's an anti-hook up style group.

PolyRoleModels: Fair. Fair. Thank you, again, so much for taking the time and being a part of Poly Role Models.

Tracey Brown: All right. Yes. No problem.

PolyRoleModels: All right. Have a good night.

Tracey Brown: All right. You too.

—

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[ishipbertigwain-blog]

Chaitivel- Marie De France

Chaitivel, a Breton lais by Marie De France, tells the story of a royal woman who fell in love with four knights, the men all unknown to one another. She loved them equally and they loved her the same. During a tournament, all four of the men fought courageously for their honor and her love, but three of them died during the tournament, leaving the lady upset and afraid that she would never find love again. Even with the fourth knight alive but severely wounded, she feared she would lose him as well. The lady buried the first three with the highest honors and provided the best medical care for her sole remaining lover, often at his side to help nurse him back to health. She told the knight that she wanted to write a lais about the four knights, and he told her to name it Chaitivel, or The Wretch because that’s what he felt he was, nearly dying for her but being the only survivor. At the ending, the knight seems to take on a bit of a condescending tone with the narrator in stanza 12, saying that he’d rather be dead than suffer the pain of her love. He even goes as far as to insinuate that the lady is the reason that the other three knights are dead, although I would venture to guess that their participation in the tournament had an equal amount to do with their level of courage as much as it had to do with their love for her. Chaitivel, Marie De France 1 Fancy moves me to recollect A lai (1) I've heard people discuss. I'll tell you the adventure, direct, And give the city's name that was Its birthplace, and its given name: Someone called it Chaitivel; Plenty of folks, all the same, Call it “Four Mournings” as well. 2 At Nantes in Brittany there dwelled A fine lady; she excelled In beauty, and in schooling too, And every ornamental virtue. In all the land there was no knight Worthy in deeds, but at first sight-- One glimpse--he would love her, Begging, trying for her favor. She couldn't be everybody's lover, But she didn't want to kill them, either. 3 From each and every lady of The land, a man should seek some love. Try to take a rag from a crazy man, He'll hit you back hard as he can; But a lady thanks you for your desires, More even than good-will requires. Even if she doesn't want to hear them, She shouldn't use her words to smear them, But honor them and hold them dear, Thank and serve them with good cheer.4 The lady I want to tell you of Who was begged so much to grant her love-- For her beauty, for a prize so sweet Day and night they all compete. 5 In Brittany four barons there were, But I don't know their names, these four. They didn't have much age on them, But they were still all quite handsome, Worthy knights and valorous, Free-spending, courteous, generous. They were highly valued and Were the gentry of that land. These four were in love with the lady. Their task--doing really well--was weighty: To have the lady and have her love Each of them, hard as he could, strove. Each for himself, they wanted her, To this each devoted his labors, And every one of them was sure He could outperform all others. 6 The lady was full of good sense. She considered, in her conscience, Trying to know, to ask which of These men would be the best to love. They're all each better than the rest-- She cannot manage to choose the best.Losing three for one--this she hates. So on each she turned a smiling face, To all she gave her love-favors, Sent messages to all these lovers. 7 None of them knew about the others, either But none of them could bear to leave her. By his prayers and service sweet, Each thought he'd make out the best. Whenever knights gathered for a meet, Each wanted first place in every test, To do well, if he could, and so measure Up to providing his lady's pleasure. They all treated her as their lover, They all carried her love-favor, Ring or sleeve or banner-flame And all had one war-cry: her name. 8 She loved all four, all four pleased her Until, in the time after Easter, In front of her city of Nantes There was proclaimed a tournament(2). To get to know these four true loves Knights came from other lands in droves: Frenchmen of France and Normans rode forth, Flemish and Brabants from the North, Boulognais and Angevins appear, And others from other countries near. Gladly they all made the journey, And stayed there for quite a while. On the evening of the tourney, They traded blows in serious style. The four true loves, well-armed all, Sallied forth from the city wall. After them rode knights galore, But the burden of defense was on the four. Each was known to the knights on the field By his enseign and his shield. They send four knights to the assault, Two from Flanders, two from Hainault. Armed for attack, spurring on, no knight Wasn't looking for someone to fight. The defenders saw them coming. No-one wished to flee or tarry. Lances lowered and spurs humming, Each picked out his adversary. They struck together with such force The four attackers each fell off his horse. 9 The four steeds caused no distress-- They let them run off riderless-- Over the victims their stand they made. Their knights hurried to bring them aid. The rescue became a free-for-all Many felt the sword-blows fall. The lady stood upon a tower, Easily spotted her own and their followers-- Saw them helping out her lovers; She didn't know which to value higher. 10 Now the tournament began. Ranks grew, the crowd thickened. Before the gate again and again Into a mêlée the jousting quickened. The four true lovers did so well They took the overall prize outright, Until the time when evening fell And they should have stopped the fight. Crazy men, they fought far away From their own knights; for this they'll pay: Three of them were killed dead And the fourth had a wound that bled Through the thigh--the body speared-- On the other side the lance-head appeared. All were pierced through by the blows; All four fell there in the fields. Those who'd proved their mortal foes Now cast down on the ground their shields. Deeply they mourn the dead; They knew not what they did. They raise a great cry of warning. Never was there heard such mourning. The knights of the town rode to the site, Never fearing the others would fight. To mourn the knights fallen there Two thousand men in that place Undid their helmet visor-lace, Tore their beards and ripped their hair. Mourning was their common plight. Upon his shield they laid each knight And brought them inside the city wall To the lady who'd loved them all. 11 When with the adventure she was acquainted Down on the hard ground she fell, fainted. When her fainting spell is over, Naming them, she mourns each lover. "Alas," she says, "What shall I do? I will never be happy again! I loved these four knights, it's true! Each for himself, I wanted these men. They had the greatest good in themselves, And they loved me more than anything else. Because of their beauty, prowess, power, Generous spirit, noble valor, I made all their love-thoughts turn to me; I wouldn't take one if I'd lose three. I don't know which I should feel worst for, But I can't hide or pretend any more. Three are dead; one wounded I see; Nothing on earth can comfort me. I'll have the dead men buried, first, And if the wounded man can be nursed Gladly I'll be involved, and send him The best doctors to attend him." She has him borne to her rooms. Then she Had them lay out the other three: With love, with noble sentiments, She adorned them, and at great expense. A very wealthy monastic foundation Got a huge endowment, a big donation, From her when they were buried there. May God show them His merciful care! She sent for wise men of medicine, Had them brought to the knight in Her room where he lay, wounded, until He turned the corner, began to heal. 12 She went to see him frequently, Comforted him like a good lady. Still, she mourned the other three, And lamented them all painfully. One summer day, when their fast was broken, The lady to the knight had spoken, Then, overcome by her great sorrow, Bent her head, her face in shadow; She fell into fierce concentration. This caught the knight's attention. He saw that she was deep in thought. He addressed her, as he ought. "Lady, you're in a fearful state! What are you thinking? Tell me, now. Let your pain go, before it's too late! You must be comforted somehow." "My friend," she said, "I was reflecting On your companions, recollecting. No lady of such rank as mine-- Be she so lovely, wise, good, fine-- Ever will love four such men as they Were, and lose them all in one day. Except for you alone, wounded in the thigh So badly you feared you might die. Because I loved you so much, my sorrows Should be recollected for all tomorrows. I will make a lay about all you, And "The Four Mournings" I'll call you." Quickly the knight answered Her, when this he heard. "Lady, make the lai afresh! Call it Chaitivel--The Wretch! And I will show you the reason why This is the name it should go by. The others died a while ago, Their days in this world were through. They suffered terrible pain and woe From the love they had for you. But I, who got off with my life, Wretched, confused, lost in strife-- The thing in the world I could love so I watch day after day come and go Talking to me morning, evening--yet I can't enjoy it, not so much As a kiss, an embrace, a touch. Talking is all the good I get. With so many such griefs you torture me, I'd be better off dead, truth to tell(3). That's why the lai should be named after me, And be called `The Wretch'--`Chaitivel. Calling it `Four Mournings,' from this day, Is changing the right name of the lai." "By my faith," she said, "I like this well; Now we will call it `Chaitivel.'" 13Thus the lai was begun, Finished, and given two names, not one: Those who first took it abroad Called it "Four Mournings"--well, some did. Both names in fact are a good fit, For the subject-matter requires it. "Chaitivel"'s the name you usually hear. Here it ends, there is no more; I have not heard, I cannot say, I won't tell you any more today. 1. A (breton) lai is a medieval form of rhymed poetry that often encompasses romance and chivalry. 2. This kind of tournament is not a competition as we know it-- it is a fight to the death for honor and glory. 3. It seems to me as if the knight is slightly resentful to have survived to find out he wasn’t the only one, and the line “With so many such griefs you torture me. I’d be better off dead,” seems to me to be an insult to the woman who loves him, even after she has provided him with the best medical care and her companionship.

[rosymiz]

Like A Rose, CH 5: Respect

Title: Like A Rose By: ArisuChanSenpai (Visit my blog for AO3 link!) Fandom: League of Legends Ship: Jhin x Sona

“Your mother’s returning tomorrow?” Jhin asked.

Sona nodded. “It seems there’s someone who wants to sponsor me to do a performance, but an argument seemed to have occurred between him and his associate.” She was careful with her information. Despite Jhin proving himself to be generally harmless in Sona’s presence, she couldn’t afford to take risks. “It’s possible mother might not even return tomorrow, if a compromise cannot be reached.”

Today, Jhin had come to the grove with all his weapons packed. For extra measure, he even handed his bag to Sona, who placed it next to her. However, he came without his armor and cloak — everything except his bodysuit and mask. He may have wanted to show his sincerity that he wouldn’t shoot Sona, but his identity was to be kept a secret, no matter how ridiculous he looked.

Even Sona understood that his face might be the clue to identifying who he is. She still kept her distance from him, just in case.

“Does that mean you will be leaving soon?”

“I am not certain. Mother said they will decide a few dates and ask me when she returns.” She glanced at Jhin, who appeared to be in thought. “But the performance will be within this month.”

“I see…” Jhin hummed. “I wish you good luck in the performance. I’m certain you would do just as well there.”

“Thank you.” Sona then continued to strum on her etwahl, listening to each tone of the strings and the sounds of the grove. Her eyes occasionally shifted to Jhin when she knew he wasn’t looking at her. She found it strange that he truly kept to his word. There were no threats and no attempts to attack her. Not to mention, he even handed her his only gun so placidly.

There were times when Jhin would even close his eyes and stay like that until Sona was done playing. She met fans who have told her that her music changed them, but she never met anyone who sought to change through her music. At least, until now.

Jhin found himself relaxing against the tree behind him, listening to Sona’s music with his eyes closed. He could feel his mind open up and be clear of malicious whispers of artistic beauty. He slowly felt himself learning how to resist the urges to kill. The evening before, when he was having dinner at a restaurant, he suppressed the thoughts quicker than the first night.

What Sona’s music did was provide him the peace he needed to clear his mind to think. He found it intriguing that her music had this power without any magic. But thanks to her songs, he was able to reflect upon his past and what led to his current position.

He reopened his eyes once Sona was finished and caught her staring at him. “Is something the matter?”

Sona gave him a sheepish smile and played, what he assumed was, an apologetic tune on her etwahl. Her breath slightly shook as if she was trying to laugh. “I apologize. I was lost in thought.”

He shook his head. “No need to. I was also thinking about, well, several things.” He took a pause, before asking, “I’ve noticed that your music allows me to think without any obstructions. I find it more interesting that you don’t even use magic for this.”

“I try to avoid using magic for these purposes, as I don’t see a point in forcing someone to feel a certain way. I only use it for either visual aesthetics or self-defense.” She then pursed her lips for a moment, thinking about what she has read in letters from her fans. “What will you do after all this? After you’ve become better?”

What a peculiar question. But Jhin hadn’t thought about how he would turn out once he was rid of his compulsions. Would he return to being a stagehand like before? Or would he try pursuing something else? He didn’t know. “I can’t say. These… urges have always been a part of me since more than a decade ago.” He crossed his legs on the ground. Wondering. “It’s like an addiction, an old habit that you fall back to. No matter what I tried to ignore it, telling myself that each performa —that each kill will be the last, my words end up drowning in lies.”

Sona’s brows furrowed. She had caught him trying cover the word ‘performance’ into ‘kill’. She tried to probe further. “You just tried to say performance, just now. What do you… see in death?”

Jhin mentally cursed himself. He didn’t want her to know what he saw in his victims. He couldn’t deny it. Not when Sona had the upper ground with his gun and her etwahl by her side.

“I feel a kind of pleasure seeing death. Most people deem death cruel and ugly, but I see beauty in it.” He squeezed his hand and opened it. “I feel exhilarated whenever I create masterpieces out of people. It’s why I long to perform… to kill.”

There was a chill down Sona’s spine. This was who Shen was talking about. The man who saw beauty in death and killed to feel a cruel pleasure. The man whose cacophony plagued his mind and heart and pulled him in with a sickly sweet song. A song that promised him joy but left broken lives in its wake.

“But it’s different now,” Jhin said. “I’ve finally found the courage, the power to resist these compulsions. As you said, I will heal on my own. But I believe your music is the catalyst to my journey to change myself for the better.”

Sona was speechless. She sat there staring at Jhin, her lips slightly parted in surprise.

A sudden pang of self-consciousness hit Jhin. “I’m sorry, I seem to have rambled.”

She shook her head. “I have never voiced my thoughts, but now I feel I should. I never realized how much of an impact my music has on you.” Her shoulders slightly relaxed. “Your voice holds sincerity, and I cannot thank you enough for your words.”

In that moment, they gained a mutual form of respect to each other.

Aqua locks slightly bounced to graceful, but excited steps. Lestara had returned with good news and in good health. She embraced Sona, patting her back.

“I’m sorry for taking so long, sweetheart. You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through to settle their argument.” Lestara sat her down by her bed to discuss matters about her performance. “The sponsor wants you to perform at the capital city next week or the week after. He said he will let you decide on any date and time of those weeks.”

Sona tilted her head. “Is there a reason he wants me to do a performance in those weeks?”

Lestara’s eyes wandered as she tried to recall her discussion. “Not necessarily. But he and his associate did argue whether they should have the performance at the end of the month or the week before. They even dismissed me from the room for a few hours while they tried to sort things out. They still seemed to be on the fence about it by the time I came back, so I suggested that you choose, since you will be the one performing after all.” She tapped her cheek in thought. “Also, the sponsor seemed to know you. Or, at least he seemed to talk about you in a familiar fashion. His name was Shen, I believe.”

Sona perked up at the name. “Shen?” she spelled out. “Is he the one sponsoring me?”

“Yes, dear. Is he an acquaintance of yours?”

“Indeed, he is. We met when I performed at the capital city a few years ago. I didn’t expect him to sponsor me for a concert this time.”

“He explained that the capital city has been restless as of recent, and he wanted to soothe their troubled hearts. He’s already picked out an open location that you can set up in.”

“If he puts it that way, how can I refuse?” Sona resumed the topic at hand, weighing the dates based on her last performance. She realized that Jhin would most likely have to stay behind since Shen was after him. She didn’t want to leave when he just began his recovery. But the longer she stayed in this city, the faster her mother would catch on to. She had to decide. She wouldn’t be able to postpone her answer for long, anyways.

Considering the trip to the capital was less than a day and having to see the venue to set up the stage, Sona decided to set the concert date to the end of the month. Many of her performances were reliant on her music than choreography, but the capital deserved a grand concert. She would need the time to arrange something together.

“Also, has Shen told you the kind of music he likes?”

“Ah, yes! Shen answered that you don’t have to go so far for him, but he does prefer a more traditional type of music.” Lestara suddenly paused. “From what I’ve observed about him, he seems to have a daily routine of meditation.”

Sona smiled. She finally got a concept of her composition for Shen and his associate for sponsoring her. “That’s perfect. Meditation and traditional Ionian music can go very well together. Thank you so much, mother.” She then stood up to get ready to go to the grove again. “You should take today to relax, mother. You just came back from a long trip after all.”

“I’ve been thinking of going to the nearby hot springs to rest for today.” Lestara stretched her arms up. “You will be fine at the grove, right?”

“Of course, mother. I will be back before supper.”

“You run along now, dear. I’m sure you have plans for that song you want to make for Shen.”

Sona gave her mother a small smile in response. She couldn’t tell her mother, especially Shen. Guilt tugged at her heart, but this was necessary. She left the inn with her etwahl close in front of her, wondering if Jhin will be coming to the clearing again.

Day by day, Jhin slowly began to look forward to the next day when he and Sona parted ways at sunset. For the past several days, they had been meeting at the same clearing of the grove every morning. He even started to enjoy their conversations and went on for hours once in a while.

Sometimes, he didn’t feel like he needed her music to quiet his compulsions. Their discussions would occasionally turn into debates, and he would be so immersed in the topic that he never realized that his mind had never strayed into visions of victims.

Sona had a variety of topics to talk about, seeming to prefer intellectual conversation like he did. The awkward silences between them eventually disappeared as they continued to find more subjects to talk about.

At times, he simply watched Sona figure out a composition for a new song for her upcoming concert. It sounded like a traditional Ionian song, which was coming along well. He would engage her in a conversation or request a song when she seemed frustrated, to get her mind off it.

Overall, he enjoyed her company.

“Hm…” Jhin tapped his finger in four beats against the side of his leg. Sona was later than usual. She was normally the first to be at the grove before him, but she was almost half an hour late since his arrival. He then heard the faint plucking of notes from beyond the clearing, turning to see Sona rushing in.

Sona tried to catch her breath, breathing in and out at a steady pace. “I apologize. My mother and I were discussing concert matters, and it took longer than I thought.”

“Please, catch your breath first.” He held up a small box in his hands that had steam rising out of it. “It is not much, but I bought dumplings as a token of my gratitude. Would you like some later?”

“That would be delightful, thank you.” Sona placed a hand on her chest once her breathing was steadier and took a deep breath. “I hope you haven’t been waiting long.”

Jhin smiled behind the mask. “Not at all.”

  Sona was back to composing her song for Shen after playing a few songs for Jhin. She didn’t realize how many days had passed since she was with Jhin every day. She lost track of time whenever they would strike up a conversation that, occasionally, went on and on and on. Nevertheless, she enjoyed it when their ideas synchronized together or when they would come to a disagreement that fell into a heated debate.

She would sometimes giggle when Jhin had to stop her in the middle of her sentence because he didn’t know the word she was signing. She would spell it out for him while laughing, which caused Jhin to make a jab at her on another subject that they would argue about.

Her thoughts continued to wander that she was droning the same note on her etwahl. Only when her eyes moved to Jhin, who was tilting his head in her direction in curiosity, did she snap out of her train of thoughts. She delicately covered her lips with her fingers in embarrassment, her other hand strumming a tune of apology.

“Lost in thought?” Jhin asked, amused.

“A little.” She resumed composing the song. She was close to finishing it, since she only needed to think of a bridge and a closing movement. But something kept her from thinking outside the box. Composing a song was never an easy task, and it took her more than a week at times.

“How long do you have until the concert?”

“I still have another two weeks left. But I need to finish this song soon so I can come up with a choreography to go with the song.” Sona leaned her head against the tree, closing her eyes to rest them.

Jhin fell silent for a moment. “I can’t say that composing is a strong point of mine, but how about this?” He began clapping at a slow beat and humming a tune. He stopped once he couldn’t think of anything else.

Sona’s head suddenly tilted forward, her eyes wide. “I got it!” She strummed a movement that sounded similar to what Jhin hummed. It was adjusted, but it contained the gentle inflections of traditional Ionian music. “What do you think?”

“Now that,” Jhin started, gesturing at her etwahl, “sounds much better.” He leaned against the tree, watching Sona repeat the same movement to herself again. It was amazing how Sona could memorize a tune after playing it once or twice. She truly was a musician deserving of her fame. He chuckled. “You know, I used to think your skills were inferior.”

At that, Sona slowly looked up at Jhin with a deadpanned expression. “I beg your pardon?” she signed.

“I suppose it was a case of narrow-mindedness, but I was irritated that your music always outshone — what I considered to be — ‘my masterpieces’ every time,” he explained. “I’ve only heard of your music by word of mouth, but I’ve never attended a concert of yours for that reason. If I had to put it frankly, I harbored some animosity towards you.”

Sona was silent, her lips parted in offense. Her hands rapidly signed something that Jhin assumed was an insult, but then she stopped. She lowered her hands and smiled, as if she wasn’t going to give him what he probably expected from her.

…

…

“How dare you make such a crude gesture at me, Lady Buvelle.” There was a hint of amusement in his voice. “It’s rather unladylike of you.”

Her smile widened into a spiteful expression as she repeated the same gesture with her other hand. She started rapidly hurling insults at him for even thinking her music to be inferior to his, when he didn’t even hear her work in person.

Of course, Jhin didn’t recognize any of her fast-paced signing. But he knew exactly what she wanted to say. He began chuckling, which then turned into whole-hearted laughter.

“What is so funny, you ass?” she signed.

Jhin couldn’t answer with laughter continuing to escape him. Sona rolled her eyes and started laughing herself. What a situation this was, indeed.

[lauramalchowblog]

Ten Building Blocks of Therapeutic Relationships

By HANS DUVEFELT, MD

It is well known by now that a physician’s demeanor influences the clinical response patients have to any prescribed treatment. We also know that even when nothing is prescribed, a physician’s careful listening, examination and reassurance about the normalcy of common symptoms and experiences can decrease patients’ suffering in the broadest sense of the word.

This has been the bread and butter of counselors for years. People will faithfully attend and pay for weeks, months and even years of therapy visits just to have an attentive and active listener and to feel like they have an ally.

We also have data that shows that adherence to treatment plans is dependent on how patients feel about their provider. One problem solved can build an ally for life

Primary care medicine is a relationship based business. I don’t know how often that basic fact is overlooked or denied. Whether you are trying to get another person to alter their lifestyle, take expensive medicines according to inconvenient schedules or even just trust and accept your diagnosis, you have to “earn” the right to do those things. Our titles and medical accoutrements give us a foot in the door, but they don’t usually get us all the way into peoples inner circles of trusted advisers.

In this age of corporate medicine, there is a belief that patients attach themselves to institutions and networks because of their trust in the organizations, and that therefore the connection with their individual providers is secondary.

I think that is a factor mostly when someone is looking for sophisticated specialty interventions, often one-time-only, like “where’s the best place to go for high risk cardiac surgery”.

When looking for primary care, people still tend to ask, “who’s a good doctor”, rather than “which is the better primary care group, Uptown Medical Associates or Statewide Primary Care”.

How do you as a clinician in today’s restless and mobile society earn trust and build therapeutic relationships in fifteen minute visits with several visible and invisible intruders in the room – the computer and the insurance company, for starters.

I have previously reflected on how to prepare yourself for beginning a clinical encounter. My ABCs are Attention, Behavior and Connection.

But where do you go from there, how do you continue, grow and nurture a therapeutic relationship over time in the kind of environment most of us work within?

Here are a few lessons I have learned myself:

1) Listen and respond. How many times do we hear that patients don’t get to speak for even a minute before we interrupt them? If you hear something that immediately requires clarification, do what you would do in a social situation. Say that what the other person just said is important or interesting, reflect back what you think you understood and then be careful not to give them too many yes or no options, but invite them to continue their story. Imagine that you’re meeting an interesting person at a dinner party, not leading a legal interrogation.

2) Set an agenda. Almost every time I ignore this little rule, I get burned. Patients may not reveal their real concern when making an appointment and their priorities may have changers since then. Going all-in with what you think is their main issue and saving “do you have any other concerns” until the end of the visit is a recipe for disaster. That agenda-setting may need to be addressed right away or after hearing a little about the main concern. If you don’t ask what people need from you, how can you ever hope to fill your role as their provider?

3) Budget time. Don’t act frustrated about the reality that time is at a premium, and don’t declare that you have too little of it until you know how serious or urgent your patient’s concern is. The person with a seemingly trivial concern may need you to help them with the biggest or worst problem of their life, so invest your time and attention on listening and understanding early on in the visit. By acting unhurried at first, you are more likely to create an atmosphere of trust and caring; once you know your patient’s concern and their diagnosis or differential diagnosis, if they feel heard, you can move more quickly to wrap up the visit if you need to.

4) Manage the perception of time. If I am running late, I often enter the exam room and demonstrably sit down, take a deep breath and relax my posture as if I am finally arriving at the most important appointment I have all day. That slowing down gesture helps me to undo my patient’s fear that I’m going to be rushing them along. If they think I’m not going to meet their needs, their memory of the visit will likely be just that, even if I do a pretty good job technically for them.

5) Don’t be a hero. My 2018 post “Be the Guide, Not the Hero” points out the fact that everyone is on heir own journey in life and we are at best guides in our patients’ pursuits. If we try to be the hero in their stories, we create unhealthy, dependent relationships that often lead to patient disappointment or even resentment. As guides instead of heroes, we also remind ourselves that we are not the ultimate experts on what is best for our patients. Since our patients are the heroes of their own stories, they must ultimately decide which piece of advice from which guide they will choose to follow.

6) Be true to yourself. On the one hand, I believe we must adapt our demeanor to the situation – reassuring, motivating, inquisitive or sometimes decisive – but we must stay within the range of our real selves. I can be jovial only to a point or I will seem and feel like I am pretending, for example. People can usually sense falsehood a mile away.

7) Balance disclosure. We can not build therapeutic relationships as only technicians; we must engage as real people and you can’t be real without showing emotion, genuine interest, engagement and a good amount of humility. We have to be careful to show that we are fallible like everybody else but also that we ultimately have our act together. Nobody wants a self absorbed, overconfident guide, but nobody wants a weak and insecure one either. If we say we never had tough choices to make or regrets we carry with us, how can we expect patients to allow us to be close enough to build trust?

I tell people things they could relate to that I don’t think would come back to haunt me. I tell them how many miles I have on my car, but not how much money I spent on repairs. I tell them about my life lessons from being a Boy Scout or going through basic training in the Swedish army, the antics of the beagles I’ve had in my life or the way my one-time vegetarian diet made me put on weight. I tell them I was homesick at my first scout camp, but I don’t talk about things that could distance patients from me; not that I am a golfer or a sailor, but pictures and magazines of such things will alienate as many patients as it might build relationship with. My Arabian horses didn’t cost much money, they were adopted from a horse rescue and simply needed a home. Our relationship with animals, I believe, is more likely to show that we have the capacity for relationship building with humans, too.

8) Build continuity. From one visit to the next, find a thread to follow. For some patients, it is their chronic disease, for others their family or their hobby. Reconnecting about what you talked about last time is a powerful and quick way to reestablish the fact that you know each other and that you care about your patient. It brings you straight into a space where you are ready to do the work you do. Even if you have to pull up their last visit in the EMR (maybe even looking at the screen together), that quick reconnection that begins every visit helps make you seem better prepared; maybe you don’t remember the details of the last visit but you do remember your patient very well.

9) Solicit participation. When it’s time to formulate a treatment plan, don’t be too quick to lay it out as if there is only one way to do things.

10) Plan when and how to reconnect. “Followup PRN” isn’t usually the best way to conclude a visit in your mind or the EMR. Friends don’t usually leave each other saying “I’ll see you around”, that’s more for casual acquaintances. It’s important to agree on what to do after the test results come in, when the antibiotic runs out, if the rash doesn’t go away or when to meet up if everything is going well. Not making such plans devalues the relationship and makes you look as if you don’t care about your patient.

Everything on this list is about how we interact with the people we engage with frequently or infrequently. We must always look beyond the diagnosis and the Chief Complaint (which should be Chief Concern – where did “complaint” come from?). Remember Osler:

The good physician treats the disease; the great physician treats the patient who has the disease.

Hans Duvefelt is a Swedish-born rural Family Physician in Maine. This post originally appeared on his blog, A Country Doctor Writes, here.

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