#amanda's anger IS justified by the way

[yanoharuhito]

im not In Tune with this fandom yet but like. ive looked over both ata 1 and 2 and like...what makes people think wooly is evil... or even remotely antagonistic.... it's not like he's there of his own will or anything, right? his interests differ from amanda's and that's okay i think

[theabigailthorn]

We know you were on accutane. Stop lying

not that it would matter if I had, and not that it's any of your business, but I have in fact never taken accutane.

This is a useful teaching moment though, because what you're doing is a well-studied phenomenon in digital media called 'policing fake femininity.' It's a thing people do to women in the public eye, a specific kind of criticism centred around accusations of being inauthentic, fake, or having cheated in some way. Often it's men doing the policing but women do it to each other a lot too, there are whole websites dedicated to it in fact. Often those criticisms centre around our appearances, as yours did here.

It's sometimes a response to perceived inequality, of which there is plenty! Women in the public eye - myself included - do benefit from a lot of privilege. I've always been quite open about that. People who engage in that kind of public bullying often tell themselves that because of the privilege (or perceived privilege) of their targets the fake femininity policing is socially justified, or the fault of the target. But it doesn't really do anything to correct the structural problems that give rise to that inequality.

In their paper "Policing Fake Femininity," scholars Brooke Duffy, Kate Miltner, and Amanda Wahlstedt say,

“The solution to the structural concerns associated with capitalist patriarchy is not, we contend, to label individual influencers “stupid famewhores” and disparage their mental health in ways that invoke the spectre of hysteria (e.g., “batsh*t crazy,” “delusional,” and “lunatic”). As Chemaly [Rage Becomes Her, 2018] argues, it is necessary that girls and women express their anger, but such a directive “is not an endorsement of unbridled rage, or permission to deliver a swift roundhouse kick to the face of anyone who upsets you, or to regularly fill the spaces you live and work in with hostility and discomfort.” While venting anger at these influencers and their purportedly questionable choices may provide some form of much-needed catharsis, such gender-coded vitriol amplifies the rampant misogyny and toxicity that women already face in online environments.”

If you'd like to know more, I recommend:

Steve Cross & Jo Littler, “Celebrity and schadenfreude: The cultural economy of fame in freefall,” in Cultural Studies

Brooke Duffy, Kate Miltner, & Amanda Wahlstedt, “Policing “fake” femininity: Authenticity, accountability, and influencer anti-fandom,” in New Media & Society

[sakuraonsaturn]

Amanda is morally grey (the one thing I dislike about this fandom).

Amanda from Amanda the Adventurer is SUCH a morally grey character. That is what I love about her. She isn't a horrible person, but her hands aren't clean either. I've seen this discussion in a couple of places and I'd like to join in. The think I dislike about this fandom is it's tendency to either baby or villainize the characters. But I'm going to talk specifically about how people baby-fy Amanda.

Amanda is supposed to be a sympathetic young child trapped in a horrible situation. We are supposed to feel bad for her. However, I feel like some people take this to a babying extent where they see Amanda as a little baby who can do no wrong.

Amanda has done things that are morally questionable or wrong. Such as:

Hurting and killing Wooly. Now we all know Wooly isn't completely innocent. And given what we do know, we can at least understand why Amanda would do this. But unless we get solid evidence that Wooly did something horrible to deserve this (like direct undeniable proof that he was fully in on Hameln's plan and agreed with their motives and morals or something like that) It doesn't fully justify her behavior. This is one of the more tame and excusable things she's done though because we don't know enough about Wooly to say that she ISN'T justified.

Hurting/Killing Riley. This however is absolutely not justified. In the first game I think it was easier to dismiss it as she did not seem to have much control over herself or the demon. And for the first game this may have been true. However, in the second game she does this twice while she seems to have a VERY clear idea of what she's doing. The first is when she asks us to bring her a toy. We learn in "When you feel bad" that she is AWARE of the demon's presence. So this felt entirely like a threat to me. I think we can excuse this a little because Amanda is a kid with way too much power. I don't want to baby her, but she might not really fully understand the consequences or implications of what she is doing here. She is just a frustrated child acting out and releasing her anger. Thus, she might not be fully thinking through her actions. She does this again in the When You Feel Bad Tape. If you make her happy she tells the demon to leave us alone. But if you don't she DOESN'T. She is fully aware the demon is going to hurt us... and does nothing. Even though she could stop this, she doesn't. Refusing to act is still an action. It is still a choice. Once again, it's a choice she makes when she's really upset with us. A choice she probably isn't thinking through. It is understandable and probably realistic for a child to get wrapped up in their emotions and not think things through. But it still makes Amanda objectively not the best friend one could have.

Finally, to some extent I think Amanda is aware of the danger our involvement with her puts us in. The danger the show presents, the danger Hameln presents, the danger the demons present, and possibly more. Yet she still doesn't try to warn us about this or stop us. This is still very understandable because we are probably the only person left who can help her be free, and she is desperate.

Once again, do not misunderstand me. Amanda is not a horrible villainous person. She is a child who has very little regulation of her emotions or self-control over her actions. A lot of her actions come of as impulsive and in the moment. Not carefully plotted or thought-about. I guess I am trying to say that while she is not a horrible person, she is not someone who is incapable of doing harm or being wrong or doing things that aren't morally correct. She's human. She's flawed. She's morally grey. That is what I love about her.

It's not just Amanda either. Almost all the main characters have done something that threatens our safety or something that is morally questionable. (except Sam, but it's still possible that he might have done something morally questionable in an attempt to save Rebecca in the past that will be revealed later).

Kate involved us in this, knowing to some extent that it was dangerous. She regrets this but it doesn't change what she did. She's also involved others as well, (such as her friends), though she was probably less aware of the extent of the danger she was placing them in back then.

Joanne was willing to put us and Kate in harms way and break the law in order to save her brother. Once again, she regrets this to an extent but it doesn't change the fact that she did it.

And Wooly... I'm not sure whose side he's on but it's probably not ours and his hands are definitely not clean either but this is Amanda's post and I'm not discussing him here.

In short, I kind of dislike how the fandom tends to downplay the character's actions and moral greyness. Even though they are not bad people they are still flawed and made mistakes. Actually I consider most of the bad things these characters did to somewhat be mistakes. Mistakes driven strongly by emotion and personal connection to the situation. Kate wanted to save Rebecca. Joanne wanted to save Jordan. Amanda wants to save herself. All of these motivations are justified. But when put in a situation with high emotion, mistakes and bad choices can be made. None of these characters are incapable of doing harm. None of them are safe from the consequences of their choices and errors. None of them are perfect and all are flawed.

But that's why I love Amanda the Adventurer. This isn't a story of good vs evil. It's regular people who are flawed but well-meaning vs big cooperation that has ill intent.

IDK if what I'm saying makes any sense. I just wanted to join in the conversation and share my take on it. Hope you enjoyed reading this post.

[vintageneptune92]

Burn the Shadow- 8

Here is the next part. Thanks for the feedback, shares and likes! 🩶

Fin looked up when he heard the pounding of heels on the squadroom floor. His eyes widened slightly when he saw Gia storming in. "Fucking Amaro" he cursed under his breath. He was so impulsive sometimes. Gia didn't need to be here for when this scum bag was dragged in. She had been through enough. He wished Amanda hadn't had to leave. She could have coaxed her and calmed her down; Fin knew he wasn't the person for that. Gia looked around to see if he had arrived. A few moments later, Barba rushed in.

"What are you doing? You can not be here, please Gianna! At least not like this." He gestured around. Fin could hear the pleading in his voice but he knew it was pointless. "I am begging you to go home." She spun, staring him down. Fin didn't ever want to be on the end of that stare down, she was tiny, but terrifying. The rage behind her eyes was unmatched. He could have sworn she spitefully asked him which one and he looked a little wounded. Fin was fighting the urge between wanting to know what was going on between the two of them, and wanting to mind his own business. He wasn't dumb. Everyone saw it. The two of them either were fighting it or the most oblivious morons on the planet. He had never seen Barba that disheveled. Gia, however, looked like a force of nature. It was the heels and that black leather jacket, at least she didn't bring her gun. Cragen came out of his office when he heard the commotion.

"Absolutely not. Barba, did you really think this was a good idea?!" Barba put his hands up in defense.

"I am not the one who told her. I've been trying to get her to not do this. She hopped in an Uber without me." Fin looked between the two of them. They had been together.

"Detective, you cannot be here. You cannot question him. You are a victim. You have to ID him. If you are standing here when he gets pulled in, it taints the ID."

"For what?!" Gia threw her arms up in incredulity. "We have him on camera. I don't need to do a line up. He killed my best friend. He tried to kill me. We have his DNA. I'm not leaving."

Cragen pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, probably wishing he had put in for retirement. Barba grabbed her by the shoulders and she jerked away slightly, which caused another wounded look on his face. Fin knew when Gia got fired up there was no talking to her. She wasn't as bad as Nick and her rage was absolutely justified. She was furious and it was directed right at Barba, but he wasn't backing down.

"The ID just strengthens the case. Tightens it up. Gia, you know this. Look, I get it, we all get it. You CANNOT be in the middle of this squadroom when he gets here." As Fin got a better look at her, she had a feral look in her eyes. It made Fin stand up and walk over to her.

"Gee, c'mon. You know you have to do the ID." Her eyes softened, slightly, when Fin approached her. "I get it. You want a piece of him. Hell, I want a piece of him. The only way to do that is to put him behind bars."

"Then we do it when he gets here. I am listening to the interrogation." Cragen let out the breath he had been holding.

"Fine. But that's it. You try to step one foot in that room and I will put you in a holding cell." She gave him a curt nod.

"Fin, bring her into the interview room, blinds shut, door closed. She can't see him walk in. Cuff her to the chair if you need to. Barba you may want to, uh, button it up." His tie was hanging around his neck, his hair was a little disheveled and his jacket was thrown over his arm. His appearance made sense if Gia gave him the slip. It made him love her just a little bit more.

"C'mon Gee, let's go. We need to catch up anyway." She turned back to Barba with a look of desperation, most of her anger at him deflated. Fin was pretty sure she wasn't mad at him, she just needed to rage. If Amaro had just waited until they had him for the lineup this would have been a lot easier.

"Go with Fin. I'll see you when you ID this son of a bitch." She swallowed and nodded and followed Fin into the room. He shut the door and closed the blinds.

"So who called you?"

"Who do you think?" There was a bite to her voice.

"Amaro...of course. Barba is smarter than that."

"Nick is loyal."

"And stupid. Cragen is going to kill him. You really gave Barba the slip?" Fin laughed. "Ruffled his feathers. You're good for him." Gia was standing rigidly with her back to Fin. He could tell her arms were crossed. She held an hand up to signal him to stop.

"Don't."

"C'mon Gee. I'm not good with all of this emotional stuff. I'm just trying to distract you. We all know he's the only one you've been talking to until recently. I'm just teasing you. But it's fun to see him so bent out of shape. Sit down, talk to me. Take a breath.She went over and sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry. It's just been hard."

"You don't have to tell me that. You don't have to say sorry. You've been through hell. And I know you had something else going on that I won't ask about, but you can tell me about that too anytime you want. I've been worried but didn't want to impose. We just all know you've been at least talking to Barba. He updated Nick. Nick updated us... we were just happy you were talking to one of us because the radio silence wasn't easy on anyone" Gia immediately felt a pang of regret.

"Rafael...he...Fin he just gets how my mind works. Which makes it easier, you know? It's kind of a mess right now." She rubbed her temples, trying to ward off her impending headache.

"Yeah I get it. You guys have this weird nerdy connection. It's okay to lean on a friend." Fin was pretty sure they were more than just friends, or at least on the way to that. He saw how Barba looked at her and he saw the look on her face when he was in the courtroom. Barba was in trouble because Gia was a handful. She put her face in her hands. She let out a groan of frustration.

"I was finally feeling better, ya know? I felt like myself again. Is it bad that I wish I had a few more days of that?"

"No it's not bad. But think of it this way, think about how much better you'll feel when he's put away. You're almost on the other side. It's just a little more. You've gotten through the worst of it."

"Have I?" Before Fin could answer, Barba opened the door, looking much more put together.

"Gia, we're ready." She stood up and walked towards him. He put his hand on the small of her back to lead her out of the room.

"Get 'em Gee." She turned back and gave him a small smile and then walked out the door.

Rafael was silent as he led her and she suddenly stopped.

"Don't be mad." She said quietly.

"I'm not...mad."

"You are."

"C'mon..." he didn't want to get into it now. He hated to admit he admired her boldness of just storming into the precinct. Her sharp comments and indifference stung a little. He understood, she had so much grief and rage pumping through her veins, she didn't mean to be that way. She was so deeply under his skin, he didn't know how to handle it. She had such a hold over him.

When they approached the window, Nick wasn't there. It was Liv and Cragen.

"He didn't invoke?" She was shocked not to see a lawyer there.

"No." Was all that Liv said. Gia wanted more. She wanted every single detail of the arrest, how they caught him, what he said. "You ready?" Gia nodded. Her stomach was doing flips. She hadn't thought about what it would be like seeing him again. She couldn't speak, all she could do was nod.

As she approached the window, he was there, right in the middle. Her hand floated to her throat. Rafael closed his eyes for a moment before he spoke.

"Detective, do you see the man that attacked you in your apartment?"

"Yes, number 3." She flinched each time Liv knocked on the glass.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rafael stood next to Gia outside of the interrogation room. Cragen was going to let Nick and Liv do the interrogation. Gia was happy Nick wasn't in real trouble. Rafael and Gia were waiting for the three of them. Cragen would be joining them to watch. He put his hand on her lower back, instead of jerking away from him, she leaned into him just slightly.

"I'm not mad, I was just frustrated. I...I could have made this easier for you. You got yourself so worked up." It was like there was a different person standing next to him than the one he was dancing with not that long ago.

"I wasn't thinking clearly. I just...I had to be here for this. I know I can't interrogate him. But I have to hear this. I need to listen to what he has to say, how he says it. Maybe I'll get some damn closure."

"I know and I know the closure you're looking for isn't just with Alison. Gianna I know that. I just wish you just trusted me more to help you get it." She turned and gaped at him.

"Raf, I trust you more than anyone. I..." She didn't know what else to say. The disbelief rang in her voice. He turned towards her and they locked eyes for a moment. Before he could say anything Liv walked up to them.

"Gia-" she turned to her and Liv pulled her into a fierce hug. It took Gia a moment to hug ber back. When Liv pulled back she put her hand on Gia's cheek. "I told you I would get him." Gia nodded while her eyes watered, but she refused to cry right now. "You okay?" Liv saw the fear that she was trying to hide. Gia nodded.

"How much trouble is Nick in?"

"He's not. I told Cragen I told him to call you. That we just weren't thinking."

"You're a good partner." Liv held her by her shoulders.

"It wasn't a lie. I'd want to be here too. I'm getting a confession out of him, I can guarantee you that." This was the Olivia Benson that you didn't dare screw with. Nick and Cragen soon followed. Nick squeezed Gia's shoulder and nodded his head to Liv towards the door. She and Nick walked in and sat down.

"You two the A-Team then?" He said with a scoff. Gia stared at him. Reddish brown hair, brown eyes. He rolled his wide set jaw. It looked like his nose had been broken before. Other than that, there wasn't anything remarkable about him.

"Detective, do you recognize him at all from anything else?" Cragen asked, he was watching her closely.

"No." Her voice was quiet. "Other than the day at my apartment, I can't place him." Nick looked tense. Gia knew him. The way his jaw was set, the way he was clutching his fist. Nick wanted to tear him apart, but he was restraining himself so he didn't get pulled out. It was important to both him and Liv to see this up for her.

"You think you deserve the A-Team...uh...Brady Simpson?" Nick asked looking at his file. "Why is that? What makes you so special?"

"I just assumed since I almost choked out your bestie. I know how much she likes it." Rafael watched Gia closely. It would be easy to find out that she and Nick were close, all he would have had to do was watch her for a few weeks. But the choking comment? That was personal, too personal. She placed her hand on her throat again as she looked down. He knew what she was doing, she was searching her brain to see if she could place him. Cragen was still watching her carefully.

"Well, you just admitted to attacking an NYPD Detective. So thanks for that ." Nick shot back, his jaw set. "And that also means you're on the hook for four rapes and four murders."

Brady held up his finger. "You got me for one. You can't place me at any other ones"

"Well Brady, you raped and killed all of the women the same way. You think a Jury can't put that together? What you did to Alison is what you did to the three other women." Liv laid out four pictures infront of them." "You brutalized these women. But Brady, all we need is the one you just admitted to killing to put you away for life without parole." Olivia said.

"It won't be good enough for her. She'll want justice just like her bitch mother." Gia swallowed but didn't look up. Rafael felt his stomach drop. Gia was right, this was personal. He had hoped that comment about the choking had been a coincidence, but Gia was right, there were no coincidences here. He put his hand on her shoulder, but she didn't pick her head up. She continued looking down, fidgeting with her hands.

"Where is Gigi? Let me guess, on the other side of the glass?" Her head shot up. She looked like she had seen a ghost.

"Are you sure you don't know him?" Cragen asked, looking confused.

"I don't, but he clearly knows me or someone that knows me really well." Rafael thought back to her counting the few people she allowed to call her Gigi. Her finger lingering on his chest.

"Enough about Gianna. Why? Why these women?" Liv demanded pointing to the pictures.

"I don't want to talk about them, I want to talk about Gigi."

"It's Detective Monroe." Nick slammed his hand on the table. "You wanna talk about her? Let's talk about how she dug the skin out of your arm so that if she died we could still find you. Or how she fought back against you and even when you were trying to squeeze the life out of her, she bashed you in your head with a heel, which gave us more blood. Or what about how she had that camera pointing to her door and caught you?"

"Yeah she got me, she's scrappy. But man did I love squeezing that pretty little neck. I marked her, I know I did. Tell me, how long did the bruises last?" Gia pressed her hand back on her throat. Who the hell was he? She closed her eyes.

"And I want to know about Sarah Guzman, Emma Hadley, Alison Bennett and Jessica Reigns." Liv pointed to the pictures. "Why them?

"I'm done talking to you two. Bring in Gigi or get me a lawyer."

"You know full well that she cannot interrogate you. That the confession would be thrown out."

"You bring her in here and I will plead guilty, no deal necessary. I'll even represent myself so no other lawyers have to be involved. Here give me the paper, I'll write out my confession right now." Nick and Liv looked surprised. They all stood there watching them write out the details of his crime. He confessed only to Alison's rape and murder as well as the attempted murder on Gia. Liv read over every detail, she looked over to the glass and nodded.

"No." Rafael said. "We have enough to put him away. There is not a single attorney that can get him out this. We do not need that confession."

"I don't care. He knows me. I need to know how." She turned to him with a desperate look. "I can't just walk away from this. He won't tell them."

"As much as I don't want you in that room, it's up to you. He's already confessed to your attack and Alison. It can't hurt our case against him now. All of this has been recorded so he can't lie about it." Cragen sighed. He didn't know if this was a great idea, but he couldn't let her not try to get some answers.

"I'm going in there." Cragen knocked on the window.

"There's our girl!" Brady was gleeful. Liv and Amaro stood and walked out of the room. When they shut the door, Nick looked at her.

"No, absolutely not. You're not going in there. He is psychotic. Gia, he is playing you. He tried to kill you. You want to sit across from him?!

"Can you two stop infantalizing me? I'm a cop, in case you forgot. I can handle myself when I'm not getting speared across my apartment." She looked between Nick and Barba.

"Gianna he is NOT worth it." Nick threw his arms up.

"It's her choice Nick." Cragen gave the final word and Nick was exasperated.

"You two can stay out here." She pointed to both Amaro and Barba. "Liv?"

"After you." Liv opened the door. She knew there was no talking her out of it. At least she wanted someone in with her. When Liv looked back, Rafael had his head in one hand and the other on his hip.

Gia felt her stomach bottom out and that familiar vice grip on her chest; but she wasn't going to let him see her falter. He had answers that she needed. She was just going to have to steel herself and take it.

"I was expecting you to come in with your fancy, what is it you call him "abogado." She rolled her eyes and sat down across from him.

"Congratulations, you've been following me. He's my friend. He has nothing to do with this."

"I think we both know it's a little more than that." He scoffed. "I've seen you with him. Walking arm in arm. You left Grayson, your favorite brother, to hide away with him. Have you let him touch you? Peel the clothes off your body?" He was taunting her.

"Alright, enough!" Liv finally snapped. "You asked for her to give us information. If you're not going to talk, I'm taking her out of here."

"So. Many. Protectors. Grayson, your two Cubans...who is she? A replacement for your cold and unfeeling Mommy?" Gia put her hand up before Liv Could say anything.

"Are you him?"

"Ummmm....him who?" He looked at her with cold eyes. She studied him, unable to place him anywhere in her mind.

"The one that killed Elizabeth." He sat back and stared her down. She had waited for this moment for her entire adult life. Now? She wasn't sure if she wanted it and she didn't know what to do with that.

"C'mon Gigi, think like a detective. When you dug my skin out of my arm, the DNA would have been a hit in that case. But maybe...maybe there were three of us and I was just smart enough to not leave DNA behind. Especially on a thirteen year old. Maybe I just knew your brother. There is one thing for certain, the monster that haunts you is still out there."

"Well, my brother left me twisting in the wind for years not telling me, after he died, I decided that I was okay not knowing. I accepted that fact. There are some things I can't control." She stood up. "So you...enjoy life in prison."

"I don't buy that for a second. You're a neurotic control freak, no way you let that go. It's why Gabe wouldn't tell you. Anyway, don't you want to know why I raped and killed all of those women?"

"It doesn't matter. That won't bring them back."

"It will keep you up at night for the rest of your life. You always have to know the answer, like a little pit bull."

"And you're a little boy bitch that is still doing my brother's bidding. She clapped slowly. "Congratulations."

"Oh Gigi-"

"Don't call me that." She snapped

"That's right, it's for only the chosen few. I was surprised you allowed Gabe to call you that. Listen, the answer to all of this is in that freak brain of yours. You just haven't shaked the middle puzzle piece free. It might also bring up some other things for you to solve. That's what makes this so fun. It's a never ending game."

"Ok, I'm done. We're done. You are pathetic and not worth my time. You know nothing about me or my life. I barely told Gabe anything. Following me around? Let you know who is in my life, but you know nothing about it beyond surface level information. And Gabriel's death set me free." His eyes widened at her last sentence. She headed towards the door. When he realized she wasn't coming back, he yelled as Gia walked out.

"YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE FREE GIGI. YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING TO BE LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER." She slammed the door behind her.

"Are you-" before Cragen could finish his question, Gia ran over to the closest garbage can, squatted down and emptied the minimal contents of her stomach. Rafael was at her side immediately, checking on her. Nick went to get her water. Her entire body was shaking. Rafael had an arm around her waist to keep her from hitting the floor. She had her head in both of her hands.

"Breath." He commanded with rhe palm of his free hand splayed in the middle of her upper back. It took her a moment but she took in a deep breath. "Let it out." She exhaled. "Again." He demanded, and she acquiesced. Over and over until her breathing was normal and her whole body wasn't trembling. As Amaro came back, he watched with curiosity, the way Barba knew exactly what she needed, he knew exactly how to reach her. Barba helped her stand upright. While her body wasn't shaking as much but her hands were trembling. "C'mon, come sit down." He led her to the interview room to a chair. Nick and Cragen came in and shut the door. They didn't want him to see her when he was being taken out. She drank almost the entire bottle of water Nick handed her. He handed her some gum.

"I'm sorry." Her throat was sore. The wine she had drank while cooking burned coming back up.

"Detective, what do you have to apologize for?" Cragen sat across from her.

"Mostly the vomit." She shuddered while Cragen let out a little chuckle.

"Detective Monroe, believe me, I have seen worse. I'm going to check on Liv, you're in good hands here." She met his eyes. Every once in a while he would say something that made her think it was a shame that he didn't have children. She knew he wouldn't ask her about Barba. He would never bring it up to her.

Rafael could still see the slight tremble in her hands. "We should get you out of here."

"No." She shook her head. "I need to look at that board again."

"Gia- you are the bravest person I know to do what you just did. It was so upsetting you threw up. Now you want to torture yourself more? You don't have to do that tonight. You don't have to do it at all. He admitted to all of it." She jumped ups

"Yes I do. You heard everything he said. He knew things that only people that actually know me would be able to say. You want me to just let that go?! I can't! Go do your job Counselor, let me do mine." There was so much fear and anger inside of her she didn't know what to do with it, so she shot it at him again. He visibly flinched just slightly, which made her feel terrible. He stood up silently and walked out. "Raf..." her voice trailed off as the door shut a little harder than it normally would have. She drank the rest of the water.

"You wanna talk?" Nick finally asked after they sat in silence for a while.

"I'm an asshole. He didn't deserve that."

"He knows you didn't mean anything by that." Nick tried to brush it off.

"Nick, you don't understand. It wasn't my brother that put me back together. It was Rafael. He- I don't know. I don't know how to explain it, but he saved me. He didn't pressure me into being okay like Gray does. He gave me the space I needed to not be okay and then start to bounce back." Nick patted her hand.

"I think you're allowed a little grace here." He tried to reassure her, but she didn't look convinced. She wasn't accustomed to giving herself grace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gia was sitting infront of the board, waiting for inspiration to strike. This was all done for her benefit, there was a reason. She knew the key lies with Alison. Whatever was missing from her details would unlock what was missing in the other girls details. She knew so much about Alison. It was hard to figure out what details of her life were pertinent. She still thought another clue was somewhere with her mother.

She had asked everyone to go home. She appreciated their concern, but she needed the quiet. It felt like they were all staring at her waiting for answers to magically appear. She knew that wasn't the case, but the feeling remained. She had been sitting here for three hours. She should have left, it was pointless to continue to sit here, but the sound of his shoes made her realize why she hadn't left.

"Well, I'm done doing my job for now. You done with yours? Should I get two cars in case you abscond into the night again." Rafael's voice made her jump. She hasn't heard him come in. Surprisingly his tone was teasing and not angry.

"Okay, I admit that was dramatic and I'm sorry for the do your job comment."

"Don't apologize to me, please. You're entitled to have a moment. Also, I can appreciate a little drama. It was reckless though. How much worse would that have been if you bumped into him. What if he had gotten lose and gotten to you." She narrowed her eyes and pointed her pen at him.

"The guy who had a sexual sadist wrap a belt around his neck and basically said 'choke me daddy' doesn't get to call me reckless for jumping in an Uber before him." His face was priceless. They both started laughing.

"That's fair. C'mon, let's get out of here. If it hasn't come to you yet, you need a break. Maybe some unmedicated and nightmare free sleep might help?"

"Rafael, I have to go home sometime."

"But you don't have to tonight. C'mon. You need food. And you left my kitchen a mess." Which made her laugh again. He was glad, even if it took her mind off of everything for just a moment. He put his hand out and she placed her hand in his. She laced her fingers with his and let him lead her out of the precinct.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gia stood under the almost intolerably hot water pound against her skin. She had been in this shower for 35 minutes and she still didn't feel clean. She flicked the shower off. She opened the shower stall and wrapped herself in a towel. She took a towel to her hair, raked some curl cream through it and twisted it into a bun. She'd regret not doing her normal four step routine, but she was too tired to care.

After drying herself off and moisturizing, she threw on the burgundy tank top she was wearing before but switched her leggings out for her bicycle shorts. She picked up the towels and hung them up and made her way out of the bathroom.

Rafael was finishing up with the kitchen. She had tried to clean it up, but he shooed her out. She had been trying to do something nice for him. Then the evening was ruined by that phone call.

She had been there, in his arms, she was in a good place and it gave him courage to say or do something. He had been so close, he was almost sure that he wasn't imaging what was between them. There was always that little bit of doubt. He thought back to the night she was attacked, how close he had been to really kissing her, but instead kissed her cheek.

His doubts were almost completely removed when he saw the goosebumps explode across her skin when he touched her. The way her hand curled at the nape of his neck. The way she would lean into his touch. Tonight was the first time that she had ever pushed him away. His immediate reaction was to feel hurt, but reason took over. This had sent her spiraling.

That man had known so many intimate details about her. It made him sick to his stomach when he talked about how close Gia and Rafael had gotten. His boldness at calling her Gigi just to prove that he was connected to her and her brother. It was probably better Liv had been in that room and not him. He had thought about recusing himself, but that would have caused more questions than either of them were ready to answer. He didn't hear her walk into the kitchen with her bare feet. When she put her hand on his back he startled. He turned his head to the side to look at her. Her skin was tinged pink.

"Did you shower under lava?" He asked with a small smile.

"Just about. Want help?" He finished wiping down the counter.

"I'm all done. I got Chinese."

"I know. I have eyes and a nose."

"You're hilarious."

"You know I've been told that." He rolled his eyes. He turned around, leaning against the counter. His sleeves rolled up again, no tie, no suspenders. She was in the same opened back tank top and shorts. Her useless dream catcher tattoo on display again, her rose tattoo peeking at him as she walked back into the living room.

"How mad are you going to be when I tell you I can't eat. I still feel sick." He followed her into the living room.

"Not mad, just a little worried."

"You don't need to be worried. I'll be fine tomorrow. I just can't eat right now." She sat down in the middle of the couch, knowing he would sit next to her.

"I don't know how you sat there. You have much more self-control than I do. I wanted to jump through the glass"

"That is courtesy of my mother. Trust me, I wanted to smack that smirk off of his face. He got to me." She leaned forward to grab her water and she felt his fingers ghost over her tattoo again. She felt the same flutter in her stomach as before and she was covered in goosebumps again.

"Did it hurt?" he mused, wanting to give her something else to talk about to have a tiny reprieve.

"On my spine? Like a bitch."

"Why would you?"

"Because I'm clearly a masochist."

"You must be." She glanced over her shoulder at him. "You spend all your time with me." He took a sip of his Scotch, his fingers slowly torturing her. She was fighting the urge to pull away, her spine was over sensitive. He smirked a little when he saw her twitch slightly. He knew he was driving her a little crazy and any other time he'd keep it up. Instead he rubbed her back with his palm. Not massaging, but trying to relax her. Even after a scalding hot shower she was tense. She inched just a little bit closer to him, he didn't even think she realized she had done it.

"Am I going to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life Raf? Why would this be happening if he didn't have something planned?" She asked the question she had been dying to ask him since they had been alone. Rafael knew exactly who the he she was talking about was.

"No." He was firm.

"How can you be sure?"

"Because you have many people watching your back, including me." He felt her lean into his hand.

"I know but I just feel this impending doom. I can't shake it."

"He wants you to feel that way. Your brother wanted you to feel that way too. So we know he knew your brother." He took another sip of Scotch. "We call his Warden in the morning. See if there were any other visitors. He obviously wasn't an inmate. We will figure it out, but-"

"I know. I can't live my life in worry. I'll feel better when he's behind bars. I'm just unsettled right now. He really plead guilty?" Rafael scoffed.

"He said it was worth it. The metric ton of evidence? No way he was getting acquitted. He had a public defender. I wasn't letting this go through without one, I didn't want to take any chances. He. He will serve 25 years for attempted murder, 25 for Alison's murder. He has the possibility of parole, but he will be an old man if he gets it. The public defender was decent and since he confessed willingly, I didn't want to take the chance of someone side eyeing it. You shouldn't have even been listening to the interrogation. If we didn't have a metric ton of evidence, I would have cuffed you to a chair." He saw a slight smirk start to form, he was waiting for a smart ass comment but then it was consumed by another thought."

"No allocution." She said. "Don't want him talking about what he did to me. I can't take listening to what he did to Alison. I mean, I know. He did the same thing to all of them. I just can't hear him say it out loud."

"You're sure?" He asked. She nodded. He set his glass down. "Okay, no allocution. You look exhausted, head to bed. I'm going to put the food in the fridge, get changed and then I'll be in."

"Yeah." She said and they both stood up. Before he walked into the kitchen she grabbed his hand. He looked back at her. "Raf...thank you, I..." he pulled her into a hug and she wrapped her arms around his torso. He was afraid she was going to cry, but she didn't. She had her ear to where his heart was. He was sure she could hear the pick up in his heart beat. He could stand in this position for the rest of his life. He didn't pull away, he would wait until she let go.

"You don't ever have to thank me. I care about you." She inhaled deeply before stepping back.

"I know Raf." She turned and headed to his room. He knew in that moment he'd wait for her to be ready, no matter how long it took. He also knew he'd do anything to protect her. He felt a fear seize over him for a moment, he had realized that he finally had something to lose.

Once he had changed, he headed into his room. Gia had put a sweatshirt on and was laying curled on her side of the bed all the way to the edge. It wasn't lost on him that she thought of it as her side of the bed. She normally placed herself closer to him. She was staring off at the wall and he watched as she wiped at her eyes. She had left the lamp on his side of the bed on, but had turned her's off. She probably thought that he wouldn't be able to see her. For the first time, in a long time, she was trying to hide what she was feeling. It came back to her not wanting to seem weak. He turned his light off and got into bed. He waited a few moments before he said anything. The lights from the city shined in the window and illuminated her form. He couldn't take the silence any longer.

"Don't push me away now."

"What are you talking about?" She feigned ignorance, which was annoying. He knew her. He didn't have to see her wipe a stray tear to know that this was absolutely wrecking her. She knew that he knew her.

"Are we really going to do this?" She sighed and he wasn't sure if it was in resignation or indignation. After a few moments she spoke.

"I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of me. I'm sick of me crying, so I cannot imagine how sick you are of me. He gaped at her.

"You could not possibly be any more wrong." He couldn't imagine ever getting sick of her. He craved her presence. She was always close, but never close enough. He could never stop himself from reaching out and touching her, but it was never in the way he truly wanted. She rolled over to face him, closer but still not close enough.

She studied his face, he assumed she was trying to decide if she believed him. She had this constant fear of being a burden. He assumed it was another gift bestowed upon her by her mother. He didn't know how he would contain how much he disliked that woman if he ever met her. She must have decided she did because she moved closer to him. He put his hand on the side of her face and as she always did, she leaned into it.

"You can scream, cry, rage, I don't care. Just don't shut down. Holding all of that in is the problem, not letting it out."

"I know. I just feel like I'm just be dramatic- don't, I know. It just feels that way. I don't usually get like this." She could see him roll his eyes.

"Pretty sure this is not a normal situation."

"What?!" She feigned shock. Rafael couldn't help but laugh. He felt her smile against his hand. She scooted closer to him and let him wrap his arms around her. She closed the remaining space and put her chin on his shoulder.

"I feel frozen Raf." She finally admitted.

"I know it feels like that, but you're not. Not even close. You are free Gia. They aren't." He felt her nod. She moved away slightly so she could roll over. She had to sleep facing out, never in. He kept his arms around her even after she fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"How is she?" Liv asked Rafael as soon as he was in her eyeline. Apparently Liv was no longer going to pretend that she didn't know Gia was basically living with him for the time being. It was kind of a relief.

"Good morning to you too Liv. She's...okay. Better than I thought she would be actually."

"Rafael, I have to ask, what that Brady kid said about the two of you-" He cut her off before she could finish.

"No, Liv. No. I know what he said and nothing like that has happened. Do you really think that little of me? With what she's been through? How she's been, I would never." He was hurt. That Olivia would even entertain the thought for a single moment. She let out the breath he had been holding.

"I'm sorry. I had to ask. Everything that he knew? I wanted to be the one that asked, in case someone looked into exactly what he said. The look on her face, it was like she had seen a ghost." He dropped his defenses.

"That's why I didn't recuse. I would have to tell the DA why and I would like to avoid that for her. And she looked like she had seen a ghost because she had- of her brother, her friends...her own. He knows things about her that no one knows with the exception of a few people. The choking was personal. She's claustrophobic. Her brother Gabe used to torture her by choking her from behind, locking her into tiny spaces, he didn't until Grayson caught him and beat the shit out of him." Liv wasn't surprised at the intimate details Rafael knew. He had been the first person Gia had really told anything real about herself to. To share your deepest fear was just another example of their shared bond.

"Poor Gia. Oh my God...all of this was deliberate. This case started right after her brother died."

"I see her holding her neck and I want to..." his voice trailed off.

"Yeah, you're not the only one. The fact that Nick didn't rip his head right off was actually impressive."

"Is he going to show up here to question me?" Rafael quipped.

"No Barba, no one in that squadroom believed it. I'm just trying to protect her and you."

"Which would infuriate her." Rafael laughed and shook his head.

"Oh I know. Listen I am sorry..."

"It's okay. I get it. I'm just on edge. She's afraid she really is going to be looking over her shoulder for the rest of her life."

"That's not happening. Eventually this kid will want something. Better accommodations, safer prison and I will be there to find out who that third person was and arrest him myself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gia sat across from him at the visitor's room at Rikers. Brady Simpson was definitely looking less smug. Apparently word had gotten around that he tried to kill a cop. It may have had something to do with the phone call she made the night prior. She had connections and she wanted him to be hurting just a little bit.

"Didn't get enough of me yesterday?" He tried to sound arrogant, but he sounded scared. He clearly thought this was going to be easier.

"Oh I wanted to have this conversation without my Captain around. I see you had an enjoyable first evening here. Now, this can go one of two ways. You tell me what I want to know or I will make sure they drop you in the deepest darkest hole that they can find in the place. I have friends too Brady. Mine are much more powerful than yours." He stared at her for a moment, letting the words she spoke settle in. She had outsmarted him.

"What do you want to know?" He slumped in his chair.

"Let's start with something easy. How did you get into my apartment?" There was not a single hole in that building he could have crawled into. She had searched. Security had searched. No one could figure it out.

"The apartment below. They were having work done and I came in with the workers. Rich people are weirdly trusting. I climbed from their terrace onto yours and waited." She would definitely be checking the traffic cams for that. It hadn't occurred to her to check the street cams that would might show the back upper level.

"Who was the target Brady? Me or Alison?" She had a checklist in her mind that was leading up to the biggest one.

"It was always Alison. You were supposed to find her. She put up too much of a fight and I couldn't get out of there in time." She said a silent prayer to her lost friend. She had put up a fight. Like Gia, she was desperate to at least leave something behind for the police to find.

"Why the other 3 victims? How are they connected to Alison? To me?" He laughed.

"They aren't. I just wanted you to think they were, to drive you crazy. It was just about opportunity with the first three. The only thing I made sure of was that there was absolutely no overlap in their lives." It led to what she had been thinking yesterday, but had kept it to herself. This whole thing was meant to psychologically mind fuck her.

"Why? How do you even know me, or my brother? I have never seen you before." He sat quietly. "I meant what I said."

"You're going to get me killed." She raised an eyebrow at him.

"So you're looking towards the future. To your parole in 50 years. You want to make it out alive. A lot of inmates ruin their chances at parole." The implication hit home. She didn't think he could deflate anymore than he already had.

"Why do you think I plead guilty? To save myself." He certainly was a cockroach. "I have a friend who knew your brother. And when I say friend, it's a friend of a friend and I owed that friend a lot of money. Bottom of the Atlantic kind of money. I could be square if I did what they asked. They gave me all of the background info, all of the things they found out about you from your brother before he died. Then I followed you, to get more info to make you think I was connected to the case. You and that lawyer guy? You think you're not being obvious, but you are. It's gross." She knew it. This kid didn't know jack shit about her in all reality. There was no way there was a 3rd person involved. As much as it pained her, she felt the need to defend herself.

"There is nothing going on between us. He's a friend." He exaggerated an eye roll.

"Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night." He held his hands up. "I just said it to mess with you, but it clearly hit a nerve." He was trying to distract her from what she wanted to know.

"So to be clear, you raped and murdered four women because you owned someone money? You were ok with life in prison." It had to be an insane amount of money. She didn't want to know how he got in that deep. She didn't care about him enough.

"There would have been no evidence if you hadn't shown up. Any other questions?" He was right about that. He knew how to wipe a crime scene.

"I want a name Brady." She was firm.

"I can't give you one. There is nothing that anyone in this place that can do to me that is worse than what he would do." That surprised her, she tried to not let it register on her face. He wanted the last years of his life to be outside of this place.

"The friend of the friend?"

"Yeah." She knew she was at the end of the information he could give her.

"Can you give me an educated guess on who his friend is?"

"Someone your brother met when in prison I think. He did it for him." He was done. She could tell that he was done and she didn't want to spend another second across from him.

"If I find out you're lying, you'll wish you were dead. I will make sure you're begging for that friend to get their hands on you." She must have looked serious because fear registered on his face. She stood up and signaled to the guard to let her out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You went to Rikers, by yourself?!" Barba raged. The sheer audacity of this woman was sometimes too much. He never knew what was going to come out of her mouth or what she was going to do.

"Yeah Cragen wasn't too excited about it either. Though marginally more than you." She knew he was going to be mad, but not this mad. It's not like she met him in a back alley.

"This isn't funny Gia. Do you know how dangerous that could have been?" When she rolled her eyes at him he wanted to roll them right back. He had almost forgotten this side of her, so part of him was thrilled to see it again.

"Okay take a breath. First of all, there was an armed guard two feet away and he was handcuffed. He was bloody a bruised. And by the way, Counselor, the only reasons he took me out before was because he got me by surprise."

"He was beat up?" She scoffed. They all really underestimated her. It was a little frustrating.

"Uh yeah Raf. I don't think you realize the connections I have or the friends that I have. Besides the fact that he raped and killed four women. There are inmates that don't take kindly to violence against women. Also, he attacked and tried to kill a cop. A cop who spent over a decade visiting her death row inmate of a brother and met countless COs. Many connections who know my father or who know my mother. He's lucky he could walk. Believe me, they held back."

"Okay I didn't hear that." She watched his jaw roll. She kind of loved seeing him get worked up but she didn't want to worry him.

"I had to do something." She finally said.

"If you had given it time, we could have gotten it legally. She would have wanted something eventually." He didn't know why he was trying to reason with her at this point. It was already done.

"Did you listen to ANYTHING that I said? He never would have said any of that on the record. He's too scared of someone. I couldn't wait for eventually. I needed to know and I needed to take back control of my life." Rafael deflated and threw his pen down.

"I wish you would have at least told me." He said quietly.

"So you could have called Liv or Cragen? Tried to go with me? No, I couldn't follow the rules this time. I couldn't take that chance. I had to get that information. He also gave me a place to look."

"Look? Look for what? You're not going to find out who it was. You promised me you wouldn't obsess over it."

"I-I won't. I just put some feelers out. If something shakes loose about this friend, I'll pursue it. If not, I'm letting it go." He gave her a sardonic look. "Rafael, I promise you." He nodded, relenting.

"How much trouble are you in with Cragen?" He didn't want her to get suspended over this. He knew she was itching to get back to work. He assumed she got a stern warning, but you never could predict.

"None, actually. I mean he was pissed but I think he was also a little impressed." Rafael rolled his eyes this time.

"Let's not make this a regular thing, okay? The lying and going behind everyone's backs." Gia picked up his pen and threw it at him. She did seem better. She seemed to believe what the kid had said.

"Gia, it's not that I don't think you can handle yourself. I know you can. I just got a small taste of what life would be like without you around. And it was..." he trailed off. "Maybe just go easy on everyone and me, just for a little while." His confession hit her, hard. She hadn't thought or it that way.

"Rafael...I'm sorry. I didn't even think of that. This didn't register on my radar as dangerous."

"Normally it wouldn't on mine either. I watched a video of him trying to kill you. So did the squad. The idea of that animal within a sniffing distance of you is too much." She nodded.

"Listen, I'm gonna go. I'll let you get back to work. I just didn't want Liv to rat me out before I saw you later." He raised his eyebrows at her. She continued to say she needed to go back home, but he knew she didn't want to. He knew it was more about being alone in that apartment than being with him.

"So I'll be seeing you later?" He saw her face falter slightly.

"Unless you don't-"

"Can we stop pretending like we don't want to see each other later?" She blinked rapidly at him, not expecting him to be so direct.

"Yeah, I think we can." The pink in her cheeks gave him satisfaction.

"What are you going to do for the rest of the day?"

"Well, I have to call Menudo and let him know you didn't murder me. He was surprisingly less mad than I expected. I think Fin was impressed with my prison cred." She grinned at him, wanting to remove the heaviness of the conversation.

"Jesus Christ....you don't need any encouragement." She laughed.

"Then I have to call Grayson and fill him in. Which will be a super fun call. I wanted more information before I called him. He'll yell at me for not calling my mother, I'll then tell him to fuck off. He will then make me feel guilty for not calling my father, which will lead to a little bit of day drinking and some bad TV. Oh! And find a video of that fool scaling my building because I have to see it."

"Maybe skip the day drinking." He suggested.

"I didn't say day drunk. Just believe me, a call like that with my brother requires a little alcohol after. He will never accept that my relationship with my parents is not the same as his." Gia shrugged.

"Well I was thinking we could do something later, so I was hoping you'd be sober." She snickered at the return of his sardonic tone.

"Would you settle for maybe a teeny bit buzzed?" She pinched her two fingers together. At first, he was afraid she was pink clouding, but she was just feeling relieved. She had some sort of closure. She raised her eyebrows waiting for him to answer.

"At least do it with something of quality and not cheap wine coolers." She laughed and stood up.

"Deal Counselor." She walked over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you in a couple of hours." She said in her way out.

"Gigi-" he called to her and she turned, "Good luck with Grayson. Don't let him make you feel guilty. I'll see you soon. She nodded and shut the door behind her as she left.

He felt a little stunned. The day had taken a turn in a direction he wasn't expecting. Chaos. Was all that popped into his mind. Yet he couldn't get over the kiss on the cheek. It was nothing, it was like it was a habit. Something she did every day. She was chaos and he was in trouble.

[serenasoutherlyns]

have my cake/eat it too

Cabenson, mature. ao3

Alex Cabot was going to drive her insane. She knew it must be happening, but she didn’t need to see it with her own two eyes. Alex at the bar next to some woman, Olivia couldn’t place where she recognized her from. She had dark features-- like Olivia herself. Alex wore that blue silk dress that exposed just the right amount of skin, her collarbones, her elegant shoulders. She had worn that dress on a particularly enjoyable date. She had her hair curled and pulled half back. Olivia felt her ears burn, and left. Whatever, right? It’s not like she owned her. Technically, they weren’t even together, right now. It wasn’t like Olivia wasn’t doing it too. She still felt sharp, twisting anger.

Callie was a journalist she knew. She had short brown hair that was showing early signs of gray at the temples. Shorter than Olivia, and curvy. Olivia called her and was unsurprised at her immediate answer, nor how she came over within the half-hour. Olivia kissed her with energy, nipping, sucking. Callie matched her intensity all night and left as fast as she came. Olivia couldn’t help falling asleep with Alex’s lithe body filling her head. It made her sick.

---

At work, she tried her best to act normal, professional. Alex was cold and simple in their conversations: did you get the file, what did the suspect’s lawyer say, good job on the witness stand. Olivia was similar. Despite this, there was a simmering tension that Munch picked up on. What was going on, he wanted to know. Olivia brushed it off as nothing. Munch was less than satisfied. What’s more, Alex didn’t stop driving her crazy. Olivia found herself nearly salivating at Alex’s tight sweaters and the way she would tuck her hair behind her ears, at the click of her heels on the cement floors of the precinct. She wanted her so bad. But they weren’t together. Right now. It was just too complicated-- they had agreed on this.

It was good to know she still had it, Olivia thought, after picking up a stranger at the lesbian bar one night. The woman was tall and blonde, but Olivia justified it with the fact that they looked nothing alike in the face. Olivia was on autopilot, this time, her mind swimming with Alex, Alex, Alex.

---

They couldn’t avoid working late together forever. Olivia couldn’t help herself: she brought it up.

“I saw you, at Penelope’s. With a woman,” Olivia mentioned in a quiet moment. Alex sighed back.

“I thought we were sticking to work at work,” was her reply.

“It’s not like we talk outside of work,” Olivia said.

“That’s true. Why do you care that I had drinks with a woman?”

“I think you could guess, Alex.”

“We’re not together, Olivia.” Olivia looked at her with what she could only imagine was seething anger, because Alex seemed taken aback for a moment, then she smiled. “You agreed, it’s too complicated.”

“Yeah, well. I didn’t need to see it.”

“It’s not like I meant for you to,” said Alex, laughing with indignation.

“I mean, she looked like me, Alex, just say you want me back.”

“No,” said Alex. “Now can we get back to work?”

“Fine,” said Olivia, “fine.”

She didn’t mean for Rollins to be one of them, but she was unsurprisingly insistent and tipsy when she called, and Olivia was just horny enough to let her come over. She wondered if it had been a spur of the moment decision for the other detective or if she had a crush. She didn’t care that much. So much for limiting complications, so much for not sleeping with her coworkers-- whatever. Things would be fine, they were both adults.

The woman was surprisingly gentle, though clumsy. Olivia got her into bed giggling. A reddish-purple spot bloomed on Amanda’s neck, and Olivia found she didn’t regret it. Amanda wore a comfortable-looking gray turtleneck to work the next day, and they shared a little knowing glance.

---

Jack McCoy was running for reelection again, and Olivia wasn’t surprised to get an invite to the big fundraiser downtown. The campaign rented some big hotel ballroom. It was a little gauche, but that was to be expected. She appreciated the excuse to dress up a little, and the excuse to bring a date. Amanda was as easy as anyone else. They had talked about their rendez-vous, and decided to leave it at once, but she didn’t mind her company for a night out. She really didn’t regret it when she saw the scowl on Alex’s face when she saw the two of them sharing a joke.

“Counselor,” said Amanda, who knew nothing about the situation, beyond rumors. “Bad hors d'oeuvres?” Those cop manners, Olivia cursed.

“Hi, Detective,” Alex said curtly, not answering her question. “How are you doing?” The words were cold and slicing. Olivia got some satisfaction out of it. Jealousy was a two-way street, it seemed.

“I’m alright,” said Amanda. “Liv tried to class me up for the night.”

“I see that,” said Alex.

“It didn’t take,” said Amanda, “it usually doesn’t.” She let out her charming grin, and Alex’s expression soured even further.

“I think you look lovely,” said Olivia, playing into the game. She almost saw Alex roll her eyes. “Darling.”

“Well, nice to see you, detectives,” Alex said before pretending to see someone across the room and striding off with purpose. Olivia watched her walk away.

“What the hell is her deal?” Amanda asked her when she was (barely) out of earshot.

“Oh,” said Olivia, “my guess is bad hors d'oeuvres.”

---

Olivia pulled Alex in by her waist, kissed her with intention, though languidly, lips moving slowly, enjoying every millimeter of her, every little movement. Alex moaned softly, and it sent a shiver through Olivia. Alex’s soft hands interlaced behind Olivia’s neck, pulling her impossibly closer, letting Olivia’s tongue into her mouth, exploring the familiar space eagerly. They dropped down onto the couch and their hands roamed more, eventually, Olivia’s hand was hot under Alex’s shirt, feeling urgently. Alex moaned again, louder this time, and Olivia needed the fabric gone. Without even telling her to, Alex pulled the thin v-neck over her head. Olivia kissed her shoulder, then looked up, making eye contact with her, admiring her kiss-swollen lips and glassy eyes.

Her alarm went off. Olivia blinked in the early morning dark. She couldn’t shake it off all day.

---

Olivia was incensed. This was her coffee shop, she had been the one to introduce Alex to it. And here she was, with Abbie Carmichael. How dare she, honestly. Olivia was just trying to enjoy her Saturday afternoon. It wasn’t even some stranger like last time, but someone they both knew. She must be visiting from Washington. Olivia didn’t want to talk to them, but Abbie stopped her.

“Liv, hey,” she said in that raspy drawl of hers, “long time no see.”

“Abbie,” Olivia said, trying to keep the contempt out of her voice. “It’s nice to see you.” Alex was staring into her mug like it was going to tell her what to do. “How’s Washington?”

“Busy,” said Abbie with a laugh. “Crazy.”

“Better to be busy than idle,” Olivia said. Alex looked up. Her face was pink.

“That’s what my mother says,” said Abbie. “We should get drinks while I’m here.”

“That sounds like a great time,” said Olivia. “Well, nice to see you two,” said Olivia, and waved. As she left, she shot a look back at the table. Alex had a hand on her forehead.

---

“Olivia, can I talk to you?” Alex asked that Monday. Olivia expected it to be work, but it wasn’t. Alex walked into her office and crossed her arms in front of her. “What the fuck is your problem, Olivia?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” she said, fake-oblivious.

“Bullshit,” said Alex. “You know I wasn’t even on a date with Abbie? That was just friendly. You embarrassed me in front of a friend, it was so out of line!” Alex’s voice was a whisper but she may as well have been yelling.

“Out of line is you interrogating my date at the fundraiser,” said Olivia.

“Yeah, because you were being so mature.” Olivia scoffed at her.

“Why do you even care?” Said Olivia. “What’s your problem, Alex?”

“You’ve been trying to make me jealous.”

“I haven’t, but good to know that you are,” said Olivia. At that moment she realized they were inches away from each other. Her eyes flitted to Alex’s lips, then her eyes, briefly to her hands. She opened her mouth to talk, but was cut off by Alex kissing her. It was a quick but intense kiss. They were lucky it was late because Alex’s blinds weren’t closed. Olivia pulled her in again and Alex let out a muffled mmph sound.

“You’re,” said Alex breathily, pulling back, “You’re infuriating.”

“Then go,” said Olivia. “If I piss you off so bad.”

“It’s my office,” said Alex.

“True,” said Olivia, who dropped Alex’s hand and turned to go. Alex gripped her stronger. “Do you want me?” said Olivia, her tone a mile away from moments ago.

“Desperately,” said Alex. “Do you know how, how mad I’ve been?” She laughed a little.

“I think I have some idea,” said Olivia.

---

“So, do you think it’s too complicated still?” said Alex in the morning.

“No,” said Olivia, “I think you’re worth any complication.”

“Sap,” said Alex, kissing her shoulder.

“What time is it?” Olivia asked. Alex rolled over to look at the clock.

“7:30,” she said.

“Good,” murmured Olivia, “plenty of time.”

[im-all-out-of-ideas]

Star Trek: Strange New Worlds s2 ep5

our first truly comedic episode of season 2 and i think they knocked it out of the park. the idea of a character of mixed heritage experiencing a splitting of their two sides isn't a new one (look at B'elanna) but doing it with Spock is absolutely something that TOS might've done and i'm shocked it isn't already an episode from the time.

the involvement of T'pring and her family (!!!) is definitely the right choice for this kind of plot. the montages of Spock experiencing human puberty and having to readjust as best he can to his old standards were hilarious. T'pring's mother and father were great, both from a dramatic and a comedic standpoint. i especially love the opportunity we have to let Spock express his anger and frustration at being treated as horribly as he is by his own planet. it was extremely cathartic.

Chapel was also amazing in this episode as i have come to expect from Bush. she plays vulnerability so well and her unwillingness to face her emotions for Spock isn't frustrating, it's just engaging. her arc with the fellowship was also a nice addition. T'pring's frustration with how Spock continues to treat her is also extremely justified and it explains how we get to the point of them being so distant by the point of Kirk's command.

then that leads to the second ever legitimate cliffhanger in the series so far and the implications of Spock and Chapel actually being intimate with each other. i feel confident in the writers to pull us back to the cold distance they eventually have in TOS, but every step along the way just makes the original context even richer.

Peck's Spock deserves the most praise in being able to embody the same entity on two wildly different spectrums of acting. it makes me wonder how Nimoy might've done this episode, though i have no doubt he could've pulled it off just as well. it is also a great episode for recognizing Amanda as Spock's mother and human side, as well as her own person being a human on Vulcan and ostracized by vulcans.

overall, a great comedy episode and very fun for me to watch. surprisingly heartfelt in the right moments. an entry worthy of the green tunic.

[apprenticestanheight]

Never Again, and Never By Choice - Chainshipping

okay!! two days into july and I'm posting the fic that was supposed to come out in June but didn't bc I also happened to learn how to make hexagon cardigans in june and that pretty much mostly swallowed me whole. I'm taking a break from crocheting, however, until I can find a job and buy loads of yarn ahead of needing to make people christmas gifts and the like, so hopefully this month will genuinely be productive.

Fic type - this is a balance between fluff and hurt/comfort that tilts more in the

Warnings - there are a few mentions of sex and sex related things! Enough are in the fic for me to say that this fic is for an audience of 18+, minors do not interact! Some of (most, if not all) occur in tandem with references to weed, and a lot of the fic deals with weed use, including using weed to self medicate for things like anxiety. There are also depictions of PTSD symptoms and some are talked about in depth or mentioned a few times, like Adams fear of the water being so bad that he can't get himself to shower unless he follows a hyperspecific routine. Adam is v e r y knowledgable about the things he uses to self medicate so there are some specifics about the weed type he usually smokes, and this differs from canon in that gabriela doesn't die and john is at least alive until 2006-ish. strahm also survives, as does lynn, mark, and amanda.

When Amanda rescues Adam from the trap, the initial feelings are confusion and anger. He'd not known it was her until the memory hit him a weeks out from his time in the hospital, and by then, the confusion and the anger had shifted into resentment. Not particularly at his circumstances or at her, but at John Kramer, at life as a whole.

They're stupid things to be angry about, even if one is entirely justified. How he manages to be pissed off at life, at the world, over the actions of another person, mystifies him for a long time.

He keeps his anger at John under wraps even after he's agreed to become one of Johns apprentices, one of Jigsaws disciples. It's boiling, it'll burn you if you touch it and it'll scald you if you dare even think about getting too close, but he lets it dull into a simmer as the years go by.

His anger, his spite, and the money John provides him for the photos he takes are enough to make him let his anger turn into something less than it was initially, and in late December, when he finds himself reeling after taking a photo of a headless body in Mexico, he wonders why he does it.

There's, of course, the obvious answer--each job he does gets him around $500, and the most recent of the lot came for double the price plus the remainder of the cost of Gabrielas plane ticket. The condition was, Adam flew down to Mexico and first talked to Gabriela, tried to convince her to join their mission. When it'd worked, Adam bought her the last available ticket on his flight back to Jersey and was met with $1000 wired to an offshore bank account that Adam would transfer directly to his regular bank a day or two after once again arriving on Jerseys shores.

All in all, taking a few photos and dropping them at the local police station while wearing nondescript clothes, not speaking a word, and shrinking in on himself in a way that made him look like your average Joe to the cameras that were undoubtedly watching had yielded just barely more than $1100.

Thanks to a couple extra sets of hands--namely, Detective Mark Hoffman, Agent Peter Strahm, Amanda Young, Lynn Denlon, and Lawrence fucking Gordon himself--things were quick, and Adam was making a decent amount of money by doing the jobs John had given him every week-ish, if not every three or four days.

John chose the people, Amanda, and Hoffman abducted them, Lynn and Strahm set up the traps, and Lawrence handled the medical side of said traps. Gabriela had started with helping setting traps up initially but had since been the one who recorded the casette tapes of that stupid fucking puppet, and Adam had been the one who took the photos from the beginning.

All in all, Adam didn't totally hate his role in it--it meant, while he'd occasionally brush hairs with Amanda, Hoffman, Strahm or Lynn, he'd never really seen or talked with Lawrence.

He misses Lawrence like hell, if he's being honest with himself, but--it's better they don't talk.

Not until at least a bit of time has passed, even though Adam is a little miffed at the idea of reaching out to Lawrence on the anniversary of one tragedy to be like "hey, old friend! Remember when we spent nine hours in a bathroom together, right before you sawed off your own foot and crawled away, leaving me for dead? Amanda stole my shirt from evidence and even though I've washed it, the bloody handprint you left stained the shirt and I entirely lack the heart to put some peroxide or bleach to an otherwise perfectly good piece of clothing." Which would, in the process, be a direct reminder of another.

He doesn't see Lawrence, and he only acknowledges that he misses him on the nights he chooses to be honest with himself or the days wherein he chooses the same.

Adam just--he does what John needs him to do. He takes the money John gives him after a job, makes sure he has enough to make the rent of the crappy apartment he lives in, and he makes sure he has groceries that will feed him and keep him full.

Gabriela occasionally tags along on the jobs, and all that to say brings him to the very beginning of September 2005. It's the first day of the month, Gabriela has decided to tag along because she's finished setting up the traps for the insurance broker they're going to put through the ringer after the traps have been tested a few times, and she's keeping Adam company because she's one of the four or five people he talks to in his day-to-day, and she's apparently worried.

She's talking about how Lynn needed her to help because Strahm had been busy with Mark cleaning up the messes that they, as the apprentices, left behind. Adam is zoning in and out as he snaps one photo after the next, all of which pertain to the crime scene and all of which will be dropped off at the nearest police precinct once they've developed fully.

He knows he has to visit John today, too--John wants to have a chat, apparently. He's having these little chats with everyone, which is something Adam picks up from Gabriela at a point in their interactions when he's zoned in. He'd started with Amanda, then went to Lawrence, then to Strahm and Lynn and then to Gabriela. She'd joked he was saving the best for last and skipping the worst, like a parent refusing to acknowledge the child they'd silently disowned.

It's when she brings up Lawrence that he brightens up like a goddamned Christmas tree--his ears and cheeks go lightly pink with embarrassment as soon as he's registered the way that his head snaps up when his name falls off her lips.

"Amanda and Lynn were talking about it," she says when she notices his face. "Lynn joked that the two of you needed couples therapy. You two haven't talked since Lawrence left you, and--Amanda thinks it's killing you piece by piece. She's right, isn't she?"

Gabriela is only ten months younger than he is, and while he appreciates having an apprentice in their little group who's about as close in age to him as she can get, it's not always the best thing for his mental health.

"You too?" He asks. "And I thought hearing it from Amanda, Lynn, Hoffman, and Strahm every other damn day was bad enough. Now you're in on it?"

He takes the last photo and pivots on his feet, heading for the exit as Gabriela laughs.

"You two do have something weird going on," she says.

"How can we?" Adam rebuts. "It's been four years, almost, and we haven't spoken at all."

"Thats what it is," Gabriela responds. "It's that--you care about him, clearly, or at least enough to think of him once every week. Lawrence, though, he does care, too. He's apparently more vocal about his caring than you are, but Amanda says he's always been the more open type. She says he's "less apt to have reservations about the people he works with, and he lets his feelings just exist in the open.""

Adam laughs. "That sounds nothing like him," he wonders, for a minute, if he really has the authority to say something like that. He hasn't talked to Lawrence in four years just about, even if he has thought about him multiple times a day, every single day, since they last spoke.

"Well--Amanda wanted me to tell you his new phone number is in the phone book," she says. "If you wanna give him a call, maybe give him a few minutes of your time to ease both your mind and his."

Adam shakes his head. "You headin' back around to your hotel? I gotta pay John a visit and then get these photos printed and developed. How much longer til you get to head back to your place?"

"The hotel stay is for the next two days, while they clear the infestation out of the units. I'm gonna grab some food and then go to the hotel, all this walking has made me hungry."

Adam snorts. "You need a ride? Your hotel is like, ten minutes east of Johns place."

She shakes her head, but hugs him anyway. "Thank you," she says. "But I'm gonna walk the way to the restaurant, build up more of an appetite and then get something good for supper."

He hugs her back, lets himself acknowledge just how much he's needed her friendship these past few years. She's kept him sane for a good bit, and without her, he's half sure he'd have killed himself by now.

They go their separate ways, Adam going to his car and heading to Johns while Gabriela went to grab food and then go home.

Johns place is also, coincidentally, Amandas place. He's living in her apartment and she's taking care of him in the last of his days. Adam suspects Johns not got long left, and he knows that this visit could very well be their last.

John is, surprisingly, well enough to be sat up in his wheelchair. He's got a black jumper on that looks to be a few sizes too big, and what of his hair remains has gone completely white. His eyes are pale, his skin the same color, and generally, John looks like what he is, someone fast-tracking it on the highway to hell.

"I thought it important to have you here to discuss this arrangement," John says. He invites Adam further into the room--he's leaned against the door, while John is sat by his desk and in front of the window, curtains open to a surprisingly sunny day while Jersey rides out the coattails of summer.

Adam steps in, walking until he can sit in the desk chair to Johns left. John tells him to do so, and he does.

"You and I have an arrangement that allows you to be given a certain amount of money for every job you do," he says. "If you weren't lying to me when you told me the time you'd handle doing said job today, you should've just arrived from having finished up there. I have arranged through the correct, most trusted of my channels to ensure that our arrangement can continue for half a decade, at minimum, after my passing, on one condition."

Adam has the decency to fight his grimace, even though he loses.

"Don't worry, Adam," he says. "It doesn't mean you'll be getting any more involved with things than you already are. It, actually, pertains to your trap-mate, Lawrence Gordon."

Adam shakes his head. "Whatever it is, I can always find something different to do other than what I've been doing."

"Adam, I'm not asking for much," John says in that diplomatic tone that used to make Adam punch-a-hole-in-the-wall type angry. It's eased into a scream-into-a-forest level anger, though not by too much as the years have passed them both by. "Just--call him. It's been four years since, almost. Amanda and I have tried time and time again, but he's convinced we're as deluded as he is. He thinks you're dead."

"Almost was," Adam says before he can stop himself. "I mean--could you not have sent Amanda in before I'd been stuck in the dark for a week?"

"We're all entitled to our mistakes from time to time," John shrugs. Adam has the brain to hate that remark--people who've dared make mistakes in his line of sight, even ones so minimal as smoking a cigarette while leaned against an alley wall, have died or been severely maimed for it, but John gives himself the courtesy to make a mistake like it's nothing. Typical. "Call him. I have no method of verifying that you'll have called by the end of my life, but if you lie to Amanda, she'll know and she'll tell me you lied to her."

Adam purses his lips. Of course Amanda would know he's not the greatest liar.

"I'll call," Adam resents how quick he is to give in, but he needs the money. That money has his rent paid off in full within the first two weeks of the month because of how frequently traps are coming and going, how many new victims John has within a week despite only having maybe a hundred survivors in total, less than 1/3rd of that group willing to tell their tales.

John smiles knowingly. "I know you will," he says. "Have you yet moved out of your apartment? The one with the cockroaches?"

Adam sighs. "Workin' on that," he says. "My buddys gonna let me sublet his place starting on the one year anniversary of the trap, he's moving down to LA so that he can try to legitimise his band or something like that--I'm assuming I won't be put back in chains for admitting I hadn't really listened when he offered to sublet his 1000 a month apartment for less than half the cost."

John shakes his head. "You have a good rest of your day, Adam," he says. "The payment for todays job will get to you by the end of this week."

Adam gets up, leaves the apartment and drives back home. One part of him wants to shower the odd feeling off of himself as he gets into his car, but he knows he can't do that without having a breakdown. It's been four fucking years of not being able to do it without losing his mind, why would it be any different that time around?

--

A few days later, the night before the four year anniversary of their trap, Adam calls. Lawrence picks up on the second ring. "Hello?"

"Hey," Adam greets tiredly. It's seven and he's prepping a bowl so that he can smoke, jerk off til the memories blur and it's Lawrence he's thinking about, then eat half of the oreos in the sleeve he'd picked up from the convenience and conk out at around 10:30 only to wake up, still high but reeling from a nightmare at around two in the morning. "Uh--this is Adam Stanheight. I found your number in the phone book."

"Adam," Lawrences voice sounds relieved. Incredibly so. "Hi. It's been a bit."

"Four years, thereabouts," he says. "Look--I was thinking, maybe we could grab dinner or something? I've gotta move into my new place tomorrow and get that stuff sorted, but if you want, there's a couple good spots around ten minutes out from it by foot."

"Yeah," Lawrence nods. "Tomorrow works--give me a place and I'll meet you there for eight?"

"I was thinking Lilahs--it's a great, sit-down style restaurant that has deals on most of their menu all the time. My mom knows the owner and I've eaten there a few times, it's really good food. I dunno if you drive, but I can pick you up if you need me to."

"I drive," Lawrence says. "Lilahs?"

"Lilahs Diner," Adam nods. "Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow, at eight?"

"You most certainly will."

Adam licks his lips, finishes prepping his bowl and scrounges around his jeans pocket until he finds the lighter as he waits for Lawrence to speak again.

"Adam, are you still there?"

"Don't tell me you've got more to say?" He wants Lawrence to have more to say, but the sarcasm is easier than not these days. "Go ahead, if you do. Spit it out."

Lawrence laughs, and Adam swallows thickly--it sounds like it comes out easy, like he's laughed so much and found so much joy in things since their trap that none of it is difficult for him anymore.

"It just--it's really good to hear your voice, is all. I've missed it, and I've missed you."

"Damn you, Lawrence," he laughs dryly. "It's seven o'clock on a Saturday night and I'm trying to prep a bowl, but you and your sentimental ass are gonna make me cry where I stand in this kitchen."

"Well, I can't help it," Lawrence answers simply. "I'm a sentimental ass from time to time. Are you helping John still? I hear whispers about it from Amanda on occasion."

Adam snorts. "Yeah, lets not talk about that on the phone. I'll have to smoke two bowls if we do, and even though I'm going to have to smoke two anyway, I'd really rather space them out by at least six hours so that I have time for the first high to wear off."

Lawrence laughs again. Adam has a terrifying moment, a terrifying thought, that he could drown in the sound of it and die happily in the process.

"All right," Lawrence says. "Tomorrow night. Lilahs Diner. Eight on the dot."

Adam nods. "Tomorrow night, Lilahs, eight," he says. "Goodbye, Lawrence."

He hangs up before Lawrence has the chance to respond, grabs his bowl and his lighter and heads out onto his fire escape.

He smokes, jerks off until the memories blur and all he can think about is how Lawrences hands would feel draped against his hips, holding them loosely, and falls asleep for half past midnight, after he's eaten the entire oreo sleeve and somehow managed to cook a frozen pizza successfully and subsequently, eaten it in it's entirety.

-

For the first time in four years, Adam wakes up after getting eight hours of sleep, which does mean eight hours of nightmares, but he decides he's fine with it as he brushes his teeth, narrowly avoiding getting his hands wet because the fear of water is at it's worst when he's fresh off of a night like that one.

He spends his morning getting what little of his life he didn't donate or take to the dump into his car, putting the total of four boxes and two heavy weight garbage bags worth of clothes into the backseat of his car and the trunk.

His mother gives him the couch his father had hated and Scotts left behind a tv, coffee table, rocking chair and all of his bedroom furniture because they weren't his taste, so all Adam has to do is change the sheets on the mattress to his own and wash and donate the other ones.

All in all, Adam is getting way more than he deserves out of that apartment even though he knows Scott probably thinks he'll sell most of it. He has no plans to sell most of it, though, and it's a hell of a lot more than he'd thought he'd be getting for a two bedroom priced at $350 a month.

He runs his only decent pair of black jeans and an appropriately casual button down through the wash once he figures out how the washer works, spends most of his day outside of that tidying up, unpacking the four boxes he'd brought along and making lists of things to grab in the coming weeks.

The list is mostly menial stuff--a few new pots and pans because the last set he'd owned had been older than he was, a few more mugs to compensate for just how lonely the Nespresso Scott had left behind looked sitting on the counter, some new bedding and a few books to fill up the bookshelves Scott had left either half empty or completely bare bones.

Come half-six, Adam goes through the motions of showering--it's a whole step-by-step process he's created over the years, a tried and true method that's been perfected as the time has gone on, though not always successful in the avoiding-a-breakdown part. He's out of the shower for around 7:20, spends the next twenty minutes taking a 1mg edible and waiting for it to kick in.

One milligram is so menial that it almost does nothing, except it does have it's pros--it takes just enough of the edge off for Adam to not loathe social interaction and for him to feel comfortable enough in his skin to not want to crawl out of it at the smallest inconvenience.

It takes the edge off in a way that makes him certain he'll be as close to normal as he was five years beforehand, a little standoffish and more than a little sarcastic, but well meaning and well mannered enough considering his traumas.

He leaves the house at 7:45 and is at Lilahs with five minutes still to spare.

Lilahs is exactly what it sounds like--a family owned, sit-down style restaurant. It caters to the lower-budget families and individuals in the broader Jersey area, and it's been Adams favorite spot to eat since it initially opened when he was sixteen.

It's got a rustic kind of feel to it--the hardwood flooring has been washed to a dark but-not-yet-black kind of brown colour, and the tables and seats match. There's local artwork hung up on the walls, a jukebox that feels so nineties it hurts and has exclusively 90s country and rock to match, and a bar at the back with a smiling bartender behind it.

Adam has a second where he remembers the last happy memory he has with his mother, her taking him to eat dinner there the night before he was kicked out by his father at seventeen.

The memory is quickly soured by the bitterness he'd felt the next day, grabbing everything he could fit into his backpack while his father screamed at him and his mother stood by his door, her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl on her face. His father was a shit person, but his mother wasn't the greatest either, even if it's tough to remember as much when there are more positive memories than not. He's low-contact with her now too, something he's only been able to find peace with since she told him of her divorcing her father and mellowing out of her bitterness at him in the past little while.

Everything changes when he spots Lawrence, though--he's sat in a booth near the back, and he looks so good that Adam bounce\s between gobsmacked and jealous like he's sitting on alternating ends of a see-saw depending on the second.

His hair, though less blonde, has grown out just enough to be attractive to a point where Adam, dimly, feels woozy. He's cleaned up good--no stubble lines his face, though Adam knows he'd still be able to pull it off some-fucking-how, and he's dressed as close to casual as a person like him can get.

He's wearing a white button down with the top few buttons unbuttoned just enough to let his neck breathe, and the sleeves have been rolled up relaxedly to his elbows. He hasn't seen Adam yet, and Adam takes in what appears to be a mostly peaceful expression.

Adam makes his way over and slides into the seat across from him, smiling gently. "Hi," he greets.

Lawrences face breaks out into a grin. Adam wishes he'd agreed to meet with Lawrence four years earlier.

"Hello," he greets. "Been a while."

Adam nods. "Too long," he doesn't mean to say it, but it slips out, and fuck it if it isn't how he feels. "I'm sorry--I wanted to reach out, and I've been wanting to reach out for the last four years, but it was just too much. I couldn't deal with it at first. I still have trouble dealing with it."

There's the edible--making him a bit honest, a bit more willing to open up. He knows Lawrence won't pry too much, but is scared that, if he does, Adam will soften up like butter and say everything on his mind. The good, the bad, and the ugly all the same.

Lawrence shakes his head. "You don't owe me an apology," he says. "But--Amanda told me how long you'd been left to rot for, and I'm sorry about that. Nobody should ever be left in the dark that long." It was a week, but it'd felt like a year.

"You didn't leave me in the dark," Adam responds. "John did that, and he pays me so I think he's exempt from feeling guilt-- he probably thinks he is, too."

It makes Lawrence laugh, and Adams heart flutters in a way he chooses to ignore.

"So how've you been?" Adam asks, finally getting to a question that's at least a little easier to answer, a topic that doesn't hurt nearly as much to talk about.

"I've been good," Lawrence responds. "Things have been finalized for a bit, and I see my daughter two weekends a month and on holidays. I've had time to sort my shit out, start in therapy, and I like where things are in my life. You?"

Adam blinks--the last four years of his life have been shit.

"I've--it's--damn it, Lawrence," he laughs. "You sound so put together compared to me. I hit thirty next month and still, my life is shit. I just moved into a new apartment and therapy hasn't even been on my radar because I don't have insurance."

"I've been doing EMDR," Lawrence says. "It's designed to help you recover from trauma, and--I hate to say it because I was skeptical at first, but it's been a really big help."

Adam nods. "I'll keep that option on my radar," he says.

It's at this point that a waitress comes around, passes them menus and brings their odd small talk to a halt.

There comes a point, while they're looking at the menus, wherein Adam starts up with something sarcastic about John. In the end, he's glad for it because making the remark is like breaking a dam and watching the floodgates open, because that's all it takes for them to be like they were in the bathroom--Adam being sarcastic and Lawrence responding in kin.

The rest of the dinner follows that same formula. Adam is quick to settle into an almost abrasive kind of sarcasm and Lawrence is quick to respond in a way that makes Adams heart damn near rise out of his chest.

They're done with dinner at half past nine, and Lawrence offers to drive Adam home but Adam declines, wants to walk himself home so that he can conk out without thinking too much about Lawrence or how the dinner had gone.

And that he does--he gets home for quarter to ten, is out by ten thirty thanks to the edible finally doing what it does best.

-

A few days go by, and suddenly, it's the end of the week. Lawrence is spending the night at Adams because Adam has convinced him to smoke a joint with him, and Adam is thrilled by the prospect of seeing Lawrence stoned out of his mind.

"These joints are indica dominant," Adam explains. "They'll make you tired--they're like a superpowered melatonin, almost, if melatonin got you so stoned that you genuinely stopped believing time was real. These bad boys help me with nightmares more often than sativa. I'm not usually one for joints, but I figure this is either your first time ever indulging in weed or your first time in more than a decade, so joints would be easiest."

Lawrence smiles in a way that Adam can tell indicates Lawrence didn't expect him to be so knowledgeable about his self medication of choice, and the notion almost makes him laugh.

"A joint also takes longer to smoke, and edibles are torturous if getting high right out the gate is your game," Adam continues. "Edibles take anywhere from fifteen minutes to half an hour before they've kicked in, and I hate the waiting game unless i'm walking somewhere or have something to do. It makes me antsy, and then when the high does hit it doesn't flow naturally. For me, taking an edible without having something to do between here and there is one of the most frustrating things I've ever dealt with because the high just--it smacks me across the face when I've got nothing to do, nowhere to go, and am just sitting in front of my TV waiting."

Lawrence says nothing. Adam continues rolling the joint and rambles all the while.

"Joints, though? I don't really find they hit while I'm smoking 'em, but the second I step off the fire escape and come inside, they hit me whip quick. Bowls tend to have the same effect, but unlike bowls, joints keep me asleep longer. I haven't gotten a full eight hours of sleep without a full eight hours of nightmares in four years, but with a joint, I can sometimes nab eight hours and get two without nightmares when I get lucky."

They head out onto the fire escape, and Adam takes the first puff for the sake of mercy. When Lawrence takes the second, he coughs. Adam laughs, rubs his back and moves to sit with his back leaned against the rickety railing, across from Lawrence, who sits with his back leaned against the window that leads to the fire escape.

"Coughing happens," he says. "And the burn in your throat sucks, but I'll get you some water once we've smoked our way through the joint, and it'll help."

They smoke the joint in it's entirety, which ends with Adam laughing when he burns his fingers taking the last puff. However, Lawrence makes no move to go inside, just stares at the bleary mid-Septembers night sky with his mouth slightly open and his shoulders slumped.

"What's on your mind?" Adam asks.

"When John goes, do you think you're going to keep up with it?"

"I'll keep taking the photos until I either get caught or the money runs out," Adam says. "I've barely started to get my life together and I'm almost thirty, Larry. Unethical as this all might be, I've gotta pay rent for the next few years, and while I've been looking at getting my GED and going to college, college will put me so far in debt that I'm somewhat scared I won't be able to climb out of it."

"But don't you hate it?" Lawrence asks, meeting Adams gaze. His eyes meet Adams with a ferocity, the likes of which Adam has never seen in his life, but craves more of like it's one of the cigarettes he used to hold so dear. "I don't understand how you don't hate any of this."

Adam laughs before he can stop himself, crab-walks closer to Lawrence and rests his feet against Lawrences calves.

"I do," he says. "I hate John, I hate what he does and everything he's stood for since his diagnosis and quite possibly even beforehand, but--it's a job. I hated the stalking, but I still did it because I needed the money. This, for me, is no different. One payment every week-ish, I make rent in half the time it would've taken me to make it this time five years ago, and I still have money for groceries and other expenses. I hate it, but this is the first time I've lived in true comfort since I was a kid with a father that hadn't started hating me yet. I take it where I can get it, Lawrence."

"A person starved will eat anything," Lawrence says. "You've finally gotten a taste of luxury--"

"It's not luxurious by any means," Adam laughs. "Sorry to cut you off, but I've never lived like that. I went from a home with termites and a father owned by his bitterness to a variety of cockroach infested couches, then to an apartment so full of the fuckers you could hear them running through the goddamned walls. This place is the first decent place I've lived in throughout the course of my entire life, and yeah, the buddy whose subletting it to me left a lot of his shit behind, but he's an asshole without much care for me unless I can be of use to him, so it seems a fair trade to me."

Scott was his best friend for a time, had been such since elementary through to when he dropped out of high school and up until the trap. After Adam had escaped, he'd become so riddled by his trauma that it took him over, practically, for those first two years.

Scott had decided he'd not much wanted to deal with all of Adams baggage and had gone pretty low contact up until he'd decided to move, figuring Adam could use his old place after being stuck in the same apartment he'd been taken from.

It'd been one of the only things Scott had been completely and totally right about on a very short list of other victories, and Adam had been grateful for it from the get-go despite knowing his and Scotts conversations wouldn't likely be about more than the rent or random issues with the apartment he couldn't fix on his own, seeing as Scott was pretty much his landlord.

"Well--it's a nice place," Lawrence says.

"Yeah," Adam shrugs. "Back to the topic at hand, why ask? Are you not going to keep up with it? Keep doing it? I thought you'd believed in Johns mission."

Lawrence laughs. "It's complicated," he says. "I mean--the idea of it is understandable, I guess. The morals are questionable at best and despicable at worst, but I just don't know how ethical the execution is."

Adam moves further up, resting his feet against Lawrences thighs while making sure to not put his full weight on Lawrences right leg for the fear of irritating the stump one way or another.

"We get stoned and wind up talkin' about John Kramers ethics, hm? That's quite the interesting turn of events."

Lawrence shrugs. "I'm not going to have this conversation with anyone except for someone I can trust completely," his hands rest limply by Adams calves. Adam can tell by the flash of desire through Lawrences eyes that he wants to tug Adam closer.

Adam gets as close as he thinks Lawrence will be comfortable with--he sits in his lap, bends his knees and plants his feet by Lawrences hips. Lawrence seems entirely too happy to use Adams kneecaps as elbow rests, and he does.

"First off, you sayin' you trust me completely like that is--woah," Adam laughs before he can stop himself. As he laughs, he lets his arms find their resting places on Lawrences broad shoulders. "And secondly, I don't think the execution is ethical whatsoever. Matter of fact, if we're talkin' about how ethical this stuff is, it's the opposite. It's not ethical. I heard Amanda talking about putting a diabetic and a smoker in a trap last weekend. I wouldn't do that to a person just because they smoke cigarettes, but that's just me. To each their own, I guess."

Lawrence smiles. "I've been thinking about this for so long," he says. "Not--not this specifically, but just--oh my God. I've missed you a lot this past little bit."

Adam has to fight every single urge he has to kiss Lawrence. "I've wanted to reach out since I was rescued," he says. "Just couldn't. I couldn't pinpoint why for the longest time, but I realized the night I reached out, over the phone."

Lawrence nods. "I remember," he says. "When we agreed to meet for dinner."

Adam licks his lips, lets his gaze move to Lawrences.

"I realized that that day--hell, the time from the moment I woke up in that bathtub to the moment I was released from the hospital--felt like an open wound. That time of my life has felt like an open wound every single day since I left the hospital, every single day since John asked me to join his cause, and I couldn't bear messing with it. I just wanted to leave it to fester or to heal, deal with the implications until it did on it's own, but that's just not how things like this are meant to be handled," Adam says. "I'm gonna get myself into DSME--"

"EMDR," Lawrence corrects. "Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing."

"I'm gonna look into that," Adam says. "And--I'm gonna keep doing this. Keep talking to you, keep buggin' you whenever I can because it's the only way. I can't do this recovery shit alone, and it's been four years of trying and then failing and then trying again, and I'm sick of it."

Lawrence smiles softly. Adam gives into the urge to press his forehead against Lawrences, lets his hands go to Lawrences neck.

"All that I ask is this," Adam whispers. "Promise me you won't go anywhere?"

Lawrence licks his lips. Adam can feel Lawrences breathing against his mouth, is so close that he can almost taste what it'd feel like to have Lawrences lips against his own.

"I promise," he says. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm not going to abandon you like that. Never again, and never by choice."

Adam doesn't know if it's the weed, or the exhaustion, or his own, unadulterated, unfiltered stupidity, but he leans in.

"Tell me if I'm reading this wrong," he whispers, praying to God that he's not.

"You're reading this just fine," Lawrence says.

Then his lips are against Adams, and Adam is so awestruck by it that he almost feels like he's flying. It's the best kiss he's ever had in his life, a statement he can make knowing damn good and well that it's not the weed talking but rather the way that Lawrences lips feel against his own, the sureness of his hands as they find Adams hips and the way he reacts when Adams hands instinctively trail right up Lawrences neck and into his gorgeous hair.

They don't pull away until they're breathless, and Adam wants more but knows better than to be greedy.

Lawrence chortles. "How long have you been wanting to do that?"

"Since I walked into the dinner, lightly stoned, and saw you in that white button up," Adam laughs, presses his forehead against Lawrences shoulder. "Oh, my God. You looked so good in that, y'know? Almost lost it. You looked so good it made me woozy."

"That might've been the weed," Lawrence says. "How much did you take?"

"Only one milligram," Adam responds. "Enough to soften me up a little, like when you set butter out on the counter for an hour or two when you're planning to bake and need the butter not to be as hard as a rock."

Lawrence laughs. Adam presses himself as close as he can get, cherishes the feeling of being that close after so long spent being literal miles apart in physicality but feeling an ocean apart in every other aspect.

Time passes. They sit outside, practically moulded together, and in silence. Adam catches himself zoning out just before he starts to doze, wonders briefly if they kept themselves that way until they starved to death, if he'd die happy to have been in Lawrences arms. As he thinks further on it, he realizes he would've died happily in the bathroom that day, if in a little bit of pain, if Lawrence had stayed and died with him.

"I think I'm in love with you," Lawrence whispers. "You're not the only one at fault for us not seeing each other sooner, and I think I was scared to admit it, but I know now that that's the reason why."

Adam smiles. "I love you too," he whispers back. "C'mon--inside. I'm tired, but I am not going to fall asleep with you on my fire escape."

He gets himself out of Lawrences lap and heads back in, Lawrence hot on his heels.

Adam strips, changes into a baggy pair of sweatpants and leaves himself without a shirt. Lawrence changes into a pair of basketball shorts and leaves the button-up he's wearing unbuttoned, and after Adam gawks at the view for a good few minutes, they cuddle up in bed together.

In the end, Adam sleeps for a solid fourteen hours, and for the first time in ages, he doesn't have any nightmares. Part of him thinks it's the high and another part of him thinks it's because of Lawrence, but he chooses, at the end of the day, to believe that it's both.

[deviousdevilx]

Part 2 ! Daniel joins Cobra Kai at the end of S4, beginning to S5. Instead of sending in Chozen, Daniel joins hoping he can find dirt on Terry Silver and bring the man down. Unfortunately things do not go as planned. Trouble at home puts his whole plan at risk. Part 1 here! Fic can also be found on A03

Chozen gives Daniel an apologetic look. He tried, he really did! But Amanda got the truth out of him of where Daniel was. 

Amanda was FUMING. 

"What the Hell were you thinking Daniel? Joining Cobra Kai to spy on Terry Silver? That, that sounds INSANE!" 

Daniel cringes, biting his lower lip before answering, "Look Amanda I know it sounds crazy, trust me I do. You don't know Terry Silver like I do, he's dangerous. He will do so much harm to any kid that joins, I just know it. And I can stop him."

Amanda is looking at her husband as if he grew another head, "He's not...some Bond villain or something! Jesus Daniel this is over karate!?! No, no it's worse than that, it's personal isn't it?" 

He really didn't want to tell Amanda, God he really didn't want to hear himself say it. The things Terry Silver brought out of Daniel, then leading him like a lamb to the slaughter to be attacked by Mike Barnes, taunted by Kreese, all while Terry stood aside, letting it happen. No not letting it happen, encouraging it! He orchestrated it for Kreese. Every good moment shared between Daniel and Terry, the camaraderie, the jokes, laughter, the touches, the gazes that lingered too long, the compliments, the way Terry made him feel like he was the only person who mattered in the whole entire world when they were together had been a lie! 

That wasn't entirely why he had such a visceral reaction seeing Terry again. Terry may have made him feel strong, and powerful but at the expense of everything that made Daniel who he was, or saw himself. Noble, honorable, kind, compassionate. Terry twisted all that too. Kept pushing him beyond his limits, sparking Daniel's anger, and hot-headedness, rather than control it, find balance like Mr. Miyagi taught me. Anger, and hatred for those they deemed weak and less than were the values taught at Cobra Kai. Strike First, Strike Fast, No Mercy. The strong defeat the weak. 

Mr.Miyagi taught and believed karate was for defense, defend the weak. It was for protection, to stop more violence, to stop more harm, not increase it, not revel in it. The philosophies couldn't be more different. The idea of Terry Silver influencing the minds of dozens, hundreds of kids in the Valley, and beyond, knowing Terry Silver he wouldn't stop at the Valley. Letting such poison spread in a world where there was so much other awful shit being taught to kids made Daniel furious. If he nipped this in the bud, before it got bigger, it was the least Daniel could do. His contribution in making the world a little less shitty. 

It just also so happened Terry Silver broke Daniel's heart, leaving him confused about his sexuality, about what he wanted, who he was, that it took years to untangle the mess in his head that Terry had made. That did motivate Daniel, he couldn't deny that.

But how could he explain that to Amanda? They met after he sorted himself out, thought he had sorted himself out. 

"I won't deny that what he did to me isn't a part of why I'm doing it, but it's not the main reason. Amanda if Cobra Kai's teachings spread, we're going to have kids who think being callous, violent, and believe the weak deserve to be destroyed, stepped on, whatever is justified, then they'll become adults with the same ideals. There's so much bad shit in this world, and I can't do much about most of that, but I can try to stop this. Cobra Kai will turn good kids into monsters. Look at what almost happened to Johnny!" 

Amanda sighs, she's not an angry as before, but she's still far from being on board.

"This shouldn't be your fight Daniel. And how much time will this take away from us being a family? It's summer for Christ's sake, we should be enjoying ourselves not playing spy on some evil karate club." 

"Terry gave me one trial week, so after that, I can keep it as low as a couple sessions a week, I promise this won't affect our time together. I won't neglect out family over this. Please just let me try."

"And what if Silver finds out about your plan?"

"Only myself, Chozen, and you know about this. If things get too ugly, out of hand, I'll leave. I swear it." 

Amanda is mollified for now, but not happy. 

"Fine! But if this in anyway affects our family, if any of those Cobra Kai brats so much as look at our kids funny, it's over Daniel. I won't let any harm come to our kids with this karate nonsense. Got it?"

"Yes of course, it's why Chozen is here, to help, but also to make sure you and the kids are safe."

"That's what worries me Daniel, that you think we need extra protection."

Daniel sighs, his head is throbbing, "It's a precaution." 

That night Amanda tells him to sleep in the spare guest room. Sam notices the tension right away the next morning. 

"Is everything okay dad, mom seems pissed off about something, or just at you."

"We're fine honey, don't worry. Enjoy the summer break, have fun with your friends." 

"And what about Miyagi-Do?"

"Give me time, we'll get it back in no time, I promise it's not gone for good." 

Daniel stares down at the Cobra Kai gi. All black with the logo on the back of the cobra. Oh God he is really doing this. Amanda finding out was terrible, but he hoped he'd spare Sam from seeing her dad do this. Taking a deep breath, Daniel puts it on. 

He immediately feels the burning gaze of Terry Silver the moment he steps out of the changing room for the sensei's. Thankfully as stated before, there are no off-putting compliments. Yet. 

"The kids will start arriving soon. I will introduce you, and let them decide if they want to study your defense techniques." 

"Sounds good to me." 

Daniel tries looking everywhere but Terry, unfortunately he can't keep avoiding the man, and looks up. Terry is smiling before he rakes his gaze up and down Daniel's body, not even attempting to hide the hunger behind his eyes. Daniel hopes he can keep his face from turning red. Scurrying away, Daniel goes over to a corner and does some stretches. All the while continuing to feel Terry's hungry eyes on him. 

The dojo had several open spaces with dividing walls but otherwise was fairly open. It allowed for more than one class or session to be taught simultaneously, or allowing students to break off and practice at different work-out stations. There was even a room solely dedicated to weight training and cardio, with several exercise bikes. It was a top dojo slash gym. And Daniel didn't even know half of it. He had yet to be taken to the sauna, and small swimming pool which were tucked in the back of the building. Terry had made sure his dojo had it all. Everything one could want. 

When students and the other sensei's began to arrive, Terry introduced the other sensei's to Daniel. A women named Cordelia, three guys, James, Kaleb, and Chris. Daniel was polite, but he wasn't here to make friends. Terry had selected these four out of numerous candidates he had tryout for the jobs he explained to Daniel as the sensei's rounded up the arriving students into their appropriate class. Beginners were split aka the white belts, from those with colored belts. Each belt or kyu and their respective color represented each students proficiency and skills within karate. Black belts being at the very top. All the sensei's here had one including Daniel. 

Likely these four were the most ruthless and strong out of all those that applied Daniel surmised.  Terry continued explaining to Daniel, the man loved to talk, how he had them do rigorous training, before competing against each other in sparring matches. Only the winners of each match were chosen until all but four remained. Further more, Terry had them ranked from #1 to #4. 

"It keeps things competitive, and them on their toes. Who doesn't wanna be number one right?" Terry says, sounding proud of his logic. 

"Not everything is about winning," Daniel counters. 

Terry smiles and shakes his head, "Of course not, but it sure makes life more enjoyable being the best and on top."

Yeah of course the billionaire believes that, Daniel thinks, it's that way of thinking that's destroying this whole goddamn planet. 

"Well come, the kids are ready. Let's see how many students you get tonight Danny, I mean Mr. LaRusso," Terry grins. 

Surprising there are a few students, some with white belts, some with colored belts that join Daniel over to their assigned corner. The students that Daniel recognizes from Kreese and Johnny's Cobra Kai, including the Tory girl avoid him. For the best probably. He is surprised not to see Robby here but lets that be, for now. 

They listen well, and he begins with the basics for the white belts, and then shows some more complex katas, and defensive techniques to the others. For a while, Daniel forgets where he is, and why he is there. For a moment he even forgets about Terry Silver who thankfully is preoccupied himself. 

And then it's all over. Some of the kids go back to change, others linger, using the other training equipment, others rush out into waiting cars of their parents. 

Having worked up a a sweat, Daniel takes a towel from the towel rack to do a quick wipe down before he leaves himself. If only it was that easy. 

"I haven't given you a full proper tour have I?" Terry says approaching Daniel from behind. 

He must love sneaking up on me, Daniel grumbles internally. 

"No but look, Amanda is expecting me home right after," Daniel says.

The coldness that descends across Terry's face at the mention of his wife chills Daniel. Yeah he said he wouldn't mention his family while at the dojo, but fuck that. 

In a petty manner he corrects himself, "I'm expected elsewhere sorry."

"It will only take a minute," Terry isn't one to take no for an answer. 

Remember appease him where we can, get him to lower his guard, Daniel reminds himself. 

"Fine, make it quick."

Daniel is impressed by the showering facility, the hot pool, and sauna. 

It isn't free to use by all students Daniel learns. Only the students worthy of it, can get access keys. Only himself, the sensei's, and now Daniel have an access key.

When Terry hands it to him, his fingers very obviously brush against Daniel's. 

"Feel free to use the facilities when ever you want," Terry says, smirking. 

Yeah he was not about to naked naked or semi-naked around Terry Silver. 

"I'll keep that in mind." 

"I hope you will. I find a good soak then steam relaxes the muscle after a good work-out. We're getting up there in age, not as spritely as we once were eh? I also have my own private masseuse if you ever need a proper massage."

Ugh.

"Thanks." 

Terry is suddenly looming over Daniel, "I mean it Daniel. Everything here is at your disposable, including myself." 

Why does he smell so damn good? Daniel finds himself getting a bit too hot now. He needs to leave pronto. Terry's presence is overwhelming, not to mention his size, all lean limbs, toned, and muscled, his hands.... 

"I got it, again thanks but I gotta go."

"Of course, the wife expects you. Say hi to Amanda for me, if she gets mad at you for being late, blame me okay."

Daniel just nods and escapes away from Terry Silver. No matter what Terry had a way of making Daniel feel 18 years old again, all skittish and flustered. 

After getting home and having a cold shower, Chozen manages to pull Daniel aside before Amanda finds them.

"So how did it go Daniel-san?"

"Fine, didn't get to look into things much, it's my first day, so low expectations. But I will find something, Terry Silver will be going down." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sensei Silver, I mean no disrespect, but why do you have that man teaching defense when Cobra Kai is all about offense, strike first---"

Terry shoots Kaleb a withering glare, "I pay you to teach not give me your unsolicited opinions. Mr. LaRusso is a highly skilled master and he will have your respect, understood? His style of karate while vastly different than Cobra Kai is useful, a former student of mine showed me how the combined styles can be very effective. That's why he is here. But if you question me again like this Kaleb, I will have you demoted or fired understood sensei?"

"Yes Sensei!" 

Terry shoos the man away. 

Seeing Daniel tonight in his Cobra Kai gi was enough to satisfy Terry tonight with only his imagination. Soon he'd have the real thing in his bed, or on his lap, looking at him with big expressive brown eyes full of want and desire. For him, and only him. 

There was just another big hurtle. The wife. Terry Silver had to get rid of Amanda, maybe the kids too. Not kill them, no that's insane. No the best way was to make the split seem organic, natural. But how? From what he knew, Daniel's wife was not fond of karate, and given the issues with Cobra Kai in the past, that might be a wedge he can use to get between the couple. Another one is infidelity.

He wonders if Amanda knows about her husband's former crush on Terry? Probably not. 

Daniel might be in denial right now, but Terry plans on seducing his boy back into his arms. Or make it seem that way. Didn't have to be true, or true in the moment. He would have Daniel in his bed for real, it was only a matter of time.  

[dallasareaopinion]

Let’s open this can of worms, pro life versus pro abortion.

So did you catch the phrasing, some will say pro choice versus anti abortion. The way it is phrased automatically shows which side you fall on the debate. Or at the very least it is an interesting tell.

Everyone has an opinion and of late I am struggling with many others’ opinions. I recently read a piece by Amanda Marcotte titled: “Keep her legs closed!” Republicans are mad one of them said the quiet part out loud.

Her opening is that Republicans definitely want to punish women for having sex- but they don’t want voters to figure that out. And then ties her argument to the Dobbs v Jackson decision overturning Roe v Wade and then ties all this to the idea that all Republicans have a long standing dream of using forced child birth to punish women for having sex.

I seriously struggle with this over handed reach as to why people are against abortion. Could there be a few Republicans who fit her description? Probably, but to lump all people who believe that life begins at conception and many of us truly believe all life should be protected is definitely reaching. The actual definition of pro life is the respect and dignity of life from conception to natural death. And yes there are some politicians who are pro life for political expediency, not because they have true understanding or belief in what it means to be pro life. Yet for Ms. Marcotte to espouse this monstrous definition that all of us want to punish women for having sex is absurd. And as always I do need to say I am not a Republican, but an independent conservative, but for her purposes I do not think she worries about that difference.

We have too much extremism in this country as it is, so to lump everybody in one category to brand everyone sex haters to me is an extreme position. And I am being a bit short on purpose.

The pro life pro choice argument is one of the most difficult discussions to have in this country. So her choosing the verbiage “…punish women for having sex” or me calling her opinion monstrous does not do the debate any favors. Yet we, as humans, all fall into this emotional trap when we try to discuss topics we have hard opinions. And this debate is top of the list in this country for rousing our deepest angers.

I truly believe that life begins at conception so I struggle with the concept of pro choice. Yet I am not here to say women or men cannot have sex. I wouldn’t be here without it. And should it be considered that if we believe in the dignity of life from conception to natural death, where do we draw the line at natural death? Is a women suffering in child birth a reason to have an abortion to save her life? That is a damn good and difficult question to answer. The choice between saving one of two lives is a struggle for mankind in general much less for one doctor that has about thirty seconds to make a decision. So I believe we should not condemn any one for making that choice either way.

Yet where do the nuances become an easier choice? Well, that depends if you say, pro life or pro choice. So that leads back to the circular arguments that each side will make to justify their decision. And most of us tend to be birds of a feather that flock together. The vast majority of my friends are pro life so I would tend to use our arguments in a discussion with someone who is pro choice. And I will say unequivocally we are right. Life begins at conception. So how do you explain dignity of life until natural death and for the unborn child that dignity exists and it is up to us to protect their life since they cannot.

Some will argue that since an unborn child cannot exist outside the womb that allowing a woman to choose to make decisions regarding her body preempts the life argument. And honestly I may have missed the exact argument there so if you want to clarify it, please do in the comments, just be respectful to the debate and not use emotions.

And Ms. Marcotte’s article does not immediately reference a religion argument, yet she heavily attacks the general concept that all or most Republicans (again not the verbiage pro lifers, but Republicans, I am curious as to why) and specifically calls out a State Senator in New Jersey, Sen. Durr who apparently said “a women does have a choice, keep her legs closed” which seems to have set her head on fire and inspired her to write her piece. And apparently this State Senator had liked some other anti woman phrasing. Yet if she really wants to make headway this anger fueled post is not going to change any minds. And as I said earlier this national debate is one we struggle with mightily with entrenched opinions And we all know how difficult it can be to change an opinion. I once wrote a short story to try and create a way around the debate and to change people’s hearts. For true pro lifers we know that this is not a debate, but an understanding of the value of life and to get people to understand this we need to change what is in the heart. And yes we struggle when people who call themselves pro lifers stick their foot in their mouth ie the above referenced Senator. Yet I feel that Ms. Marcotte needs to be called out for lumping the entire pro life debate into a false narrative to vent her anger with one person or a few people who truly do not represent what it means to be pro life.

We know we are human and have faults. And maybe all our are arguments aren’t perfect, but we believe that people should be engaged with each other, believe women have the right to choose who their partners are and to engage with them sexually. We know that saying keep your legs closed is not the answer. We were or are young. We know we can make mistakes, yet to vilify us for I think reasons not stated is beyond the pale.

In the Gospels there is the story of the woman about to be stoned due to accusations of adultery. Jesus steps in and calls out everyone there, saying those who have not sinned cast the first stone. And then they all leave and I love this part, starting with the elders.

Not one of us is perfect, but that is one of the main reasons to be pro life. We need to treat each other with dignity and respect until our natural death. Sure our politicians could do better in helping with adoption laws, better healthcare programs for young and old, leading by example and not denigrating each other, and so much more, but to arbitrarily attack a group of people using labels because a few people present a false front is not an answer to solving this debate or more hopefully to a change of heart. Until then as pro lifers we need to remember we are not perfect and cannot lecture or berate especially us elders. That will do more for the change of heart for people who call themselves pro choice than any argument. Maybe one day Ms. Marcotte will be able to see beyond what is fueling her anger to get to the real answer.

[postmoderntongues]

Its hard when somebody very very close to you has done something unspeakable. There's grief. There's cherished memories and love that doesnt always just evaporate on the spot like you think it will. Even when you yourself are their victim sometimes part of you needs to keep the relationship going if only so you can segment a small fantasy world where your earth and entire sense of trust and reality wasn't shattered. I have a real good friend accused of some real heavy stuff atm and not the cool kind either the kind where if its true i hope somebody kills him and i haven't contacted him since finding out and will never look at him the same but i haven't blocked him and i wouldn't be unkind if he reached out to me because he was real with me when a lot of people weren't and showed me love and took me in and protected me in a lot of really bad situations i knew i was okay because the scariest person there loved me like only another CPTSD Cluster B can and hes done things that have completely changed HOW i saw him and there are certain boundaries ill always keep up to protect myself bc hes a bad guy but like honestly even if he does wind up getting locked up technically the Christian thing to do would be send him a letter or two a month and some good paperbacks like ive had friends and family who like got caught up in some BAD shit of all kinds my whole life I have guys whose weddings i was the flower girl in who are like i cannot stress this enough but literally what most people picture when they try to justify prison being substandard living situations and not just loss of free movement throughout the community and containment of people too dangerous to participate.

Especially when you are a trauma survivor, its tempting to process them facing justice as "their trauma" When you already know somebody had done a lot of really bad things and maybe some potentially soul-damning ones now and they've only ever been really good to you and even protected you from other people who would have committed damnable crimes of their own against you if he hadn't intervened its hard to just disown somebody no matter how bad the thing is you'd be surprised with where you think your line is compared to where it actually is if its there at all once real shit goes down with somebody you been through real shit with.

My evangelical-raised religious trauma/psychosis is telling me god is testing the strength of my belief in carrying out his commands in my personal life however i can and the strength of the capacity for love that I claim to possess. I don't think that's a feeling that secular people dont also experience in some way and just word differently as a trauma reaction to finding out somebody you loved and trusted did to somebody the worst thing that was ever done to you.

Tory deserves patience right now and space to heal and i hope she isn't bullied into making a statement before she is in a place to and has fully processed it but she deserves compassion and grace right now to cope and process this in her own time and we might not agree in political theory with every choice she makes under the intoxication of such intense grief from a political theory point of view but shes not a politician shes some lady who made really good art about her PTSD. You don't know until it is you and it feels different and the way you handle it is different every time. Sometimes psychological survival is more of a matter of coping adequately rather than responding correctly. Sometimes psychological survival looks selfish or includes a stage of denial or bargaining or misplaced anger/blame. Whatever Tory does, however she responds, give her grace. Immediate responses aren't permanent long term most of the time anyway.

Also people are already trying to bring Amanda Palmer down with him, she was a mentally ill woman in a marriage to a known abuser do you think she wasn't the one woman he didn't abuse when she was the one he had the most formal permission to? How many of even our own powerless zero-influence fathers managed that? Was she an accomplice/enabler or can we recognize that even among successful artists abused wives live in silence and terror. How many of our mothers lived like that? She wasn't Karla Homolka, she was a mentally ill woman who for all we know barely escaped without something horrible happening to her (if nothing horrible happened that we just dont know of which isnt impossible either). Fear can coerce somebody into silence about very big secrets, sometimes the worse the secret the scarier it is to think about doing anything but keeping it. Amanda Palmer is more than likely another of his victims, not some kind of art scene Myra Hindley.

god, the details in that new Nail Gaiman story are revolting. He is gross, he is a violent rapist, he is trash

trust me when I tell you that unless you have intensely morbid curiosity, you don't need to read it. It is stomach-churning in a very real way. But tbh I think he should probably drop dead.

I feel awful for his fans and the people in his life who thought he was a different kind of person. Tori Amos' recent interview on this made me so sad for her and others who felt like they knew someone only to realize they really, really didn't. I'm devastated for her who made neil her child's godparent,because no matter how close you think you are to someone and how well you think you know them and how long you've known them -- Billy Joel was spot on when he wrote "The Stranger" because EVERYONE has a Stranger that no one knows but themselves. You can never truly, truly know someone.

Amanda Palmer, though? Thoroughly unsurprised that she seemed to be at the very least complicit. She has always given off the most rancid of vibes.

[tibby]

truly insane to think about how even in all her justified anger and hatred and grief lynn still thought amanda was not only capable of being saved but also worthy of it...wanting to kill amanda but also wanting her to live...wanting to see who she was underneath all the rage and trauma and heartbreak...desperately trying to change the ending of both their stories but the final act had already been written...in another life in another place in another time maybe things could have been different, could have been better but also. there is no other way they could have met.

[bonsai-babies]

a journey that probably won't ever be, pt I. Tory

When Tory arrived in the series, we were shown that she was filled with anger and frustration. She was a girl who presented herself as this tough individual, she didn't back down against Miguel, she took the challenges head on, and she wasn't apologizing for anything.

We learn about her motivations, her awful economic situation, and her terrible home life. Her anger and her toughness were rightfully justified. Anger at the unfairness of her predicament. Toughness as a way to survive.

Suddenly all of that is thrown against Samantha LaRusso who represented the mirrored version of herself. Sam had a stable home, stable income, and safety. To Tory, this girl who had everything was stealing from her, from her who already had so, so little. And all of that sent her bubbling anger to explode.

Sam became a living symbol she could punch and hurt. She could take this someone who she judged deserving of punishment for all of the unfairness of her situation, and have her pay, again and again.

The dehumanization of this rich girl fueled her violence.

A dehumanization that was costful.

Things started to change when the one-dimensional view of who she thought her enemies were got challenged. Amanda got her to realize they weren't necessary foils. And that Sam was not simply a symbol against her. Maybe not a symbol against her at all.

Tory's feelings towards Samantha LaRusso were proven to have grown by her reaction at the All Valley. Kicking Sam down wasn't pleasant anymore. She didn't crave to hurt that right girl again. Oh, and Sam wasn't the rich girl now, she was Sam. A person.

We won't get to see Tory's psychological journey, but we might get some tips that it's happening. Our first tip in S5 was her choice to come to Sam and tell her the truth. It wouldn't work, of course, but she made that choice. To Tory had already grown past her own anger, so she didn't understand why Sam was acting like she was a monster. But Tory still must realize that just because she has grown past that anger, it doesn't mean that her actions during that violent period were forgotten or healed.

I believe Tory will learn that she caused deep pain. She'll realize that it will take a lot of mending to get treated. It may not even be healed for good. Tory might come to admit her mistakes and apologize for lashing out, which I don't believe the script will give us but is a key event for her journey. She's maturing from those basic intense emotions that so often take people over the edge.

Having her experience the girl she hurt the most coming to her rescue without a second thought -- a girl who still suffers intense trauma from her actions -- unapologetically providing protection, could be the final straw on shattering the rivalry her heart sustained for all that time.

[ichayalovesyou]

Please stop making up problems about fictional alien cultures ❤️ they arent humans, and bonding isnt marriage. Vulcans dont even have marriage so please stop judging it like that? They can also break the bond when they get older. They make arranged bondings because it is logical to make sure your child has a mate come pon farr. Seriously this stuff is just nonsense stop trying to earn woke points by over-examining a fictional, non-human culture. Its not arranged marriage. Its not child marriage. Its not marriage at all nor is it sexual. Stop clogging up the star trek tag trying to bitch about how you dont understand it. Problematic… theres no debate on Vulcan and Vulcans have never once complained about it in canon or otherwise because no one cares because it doesnt matter to them lol

In reference to this post.

I thought about deleting the post, because I will admit it is, very reactionary. I got a little more heated than I should have. I could’ve been a little more articulate. For that I apologize. But I haven’t changed my mind.

I really wasn’t gonna share this, anon. I disagree with you on a good chunk of what you’ve said, I still think it’s worth talking about. And I do think your anger with that particular post is justified.

I’m going to break down why I feel the way about Vulcan childhood bonding the way I do in a more responsible and coherent way, and explain why I disagree about why these topics shouldn’t be discussed.

I will never, ever stop talking about fictional races and cultures and how they affect and reflect upon the real world. Vulcans, among many other alien cultures, are amalgamations and abstractions of our own cultures. The Na’vi from Avatar help us examine colonialism, the extra terrestrials from Arrival help us examine how we perceive time and language. Vulcans, when it comes to this topic, are an examination of traditions and how some do more harm than good (like the homophobia Amok Time is allegorical for). Fiction has to be analyzed, it’s meant to be examined, learning from what we read is an important literary (and life) skill.

Star Trek especially! It’s purpose is turning genuine philosophical questions into drama and discussion topics for everyday people. Morality plays in space, it’s why the cast is so diverse for the sixties, it’s why there are racism and Cold War allegories all throughout it’s the Original Series. One of the reasons I love Star Trek, and Vulcans, is because they are flawed and can be examined from many angles. I’m not angry to be “woke”, I’m angry for the reasons Amok Time is meant to make you angry.

You’re right, bonding isn’t marriage. It’s more intense than that. They are mentally bonded in ways humans cannot be, and they are arranged in such a way that they will be married, and Vulcans DO get married. Sarek and Amanda are married, Tuvok and T’Pel are married, both Sarek and Tuvok refer to their partners as their wives. The betrothal is not just for clout, they will eventually have sex, it’s a guaranteed Pon Farr security blanket. Yes they can break it when they get older technically, but the only known socially acceptable way to get out of it is death via Kalifee, one way or the other. The entire point of Amok Time, is that all of that tradition is incredibly cruel and wrong. It causes Spock to “kill” his best friend, and T’Pring to condemn a stranger to death.

Nevermind questions of consent when it comes to children and when Vulcans mature as my short opinion on that is pretty aggravatedly stated in that post. At the very least it’s unfair to Spock, who cannot physically/mentally mature as a Vulcan or a Human. So if T’Pring can fully consent to betrothal, it’s certainly up in the air whether Spock can.

One of the reasons I love Vulcans so much is despite their beautiful philosphy that I really believe more Humans should strive for. They are at the same time as they are serene and logical, they are rigid and extremist in their beliefs and traditions that they’re illogical as well. The only thing logical about Spock and T’Pring’s arrangement is the assumption that if he had Pon Farr, and no Vulcan would want him (because, hey, Vulcans are insanely xenophobic, illogically) at least he’d have T’Pring in that emergency, assuming she’d be willing to capitulate to that once she was an adult. Big surprise, she didn’t, because 24 years had passed and they were both completely different people by that time, and it almost killed James Kirk.

I want to clarify that I’m not attacking arranged marriages as a cultural practice in real life. I understand it can be an extremely important cultural cornerstone and there are many examples of happy couples in marriages arranged by their parents, I’m not knocking that. I’m criticizing the way Vulcans specifically practice arranged marriage. Both because of their philosophy, and that the only respectable way out being murder. Which I can’t condone under most circumstances anyway.

There is very little logic in betrothal, other than reputation, which is a huge deal to Vulcans even though they preach meritocracy. And the aforementioned failsafe for Pon Farr, but there are cases (like Starfleet officers) where that justification is shaky. Whether the betrothed old enough to understand and accept their responsibilities not withstanding. It assumes the children involved’s sexual/gender orientations and that they both have the self-awareness to know what that will be, and that the parents know and have accepted it as well. That they will be the same people/love each other (or at least be willing to have sex with each other, which is not a given) by the time Pon Farr rolls around in the coming decades and all subsequent cycles.

All of that would be easily fixed and rearranged and such provided that the parents are reasonable. If the parents are unreasonable the two could alienate themselves from their families by refusing to get married to each other. Except there’s one problem, in Vulcan culture, as far as we know, the only way to get out of an arranged marriage like Spock and T’Pring’s is Kalifee, which results in the death of at least one of the betrothed, or the death of champion the other has chosen. In Spock and T’Pring’s situation, T’Pring willingly condemned a stranger to death, and Spock murdered his best friend. There is no utilitarian purpose to a crime of passion, Vulcans, in this circumstance, forego the simple, bloodless option instead letting people kill each other in the dirt over sex at the simplest and love at the most optimistic. There is nothing logical about that.

The point of Amok Time, the betrothal, the Kalifee, all of it, is that it does actually hurt Vulcans to practice this tradition. That it is flawed, that it is restrictive, Spock is at his most heavily queer-coded in this episode, he is not in love with this woman, and he kills the man he loves most to escape. T’Pring has blood on her hands too, all so that she could be free to make her own choices because she did not want Spock, bodily or romantically, and she’s completely Vulcan. We’re supposed to object to those practices, the same way we now advocate for same sex marriage and the eradication of child brides. They’re very old practices, but they are hurtful. Humans have them, Vulcans have them. Humans object to that cruelty for moral and logical reasons, why shouldn’t Vulcans be able to as well?

[notmuchtooffer]

@ofbelievesinthehope

[From the moment I met Amanda, I couldn't shake the feeling that she deserved better than a loser, good for nothing guy like me. Sure, when we first me, she made me think I was worth more than I actually was. She gave me hope that I could be more than the worthless piece of crap my father told me on a daily basis that I was. My father had convinced me that I was a nobody, that I would amount to nothing, and whoever was in my life would end up with a ruined life because of me. Of course I'd like to convince myself that I never listened to my father, because I knew he only spoke to me that way out of anger and resentment that I wanted nothing to do with him, my brothers, or their unsavory business practices. Thing was though, as Amanda spoke now, I knew my father's words had apparently made a bigger impact in my mind set and self-esteem than I ever realized. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew my father was right in the fact that Amanda deserved better than a nobody like me, and if she remained in my life, she'd never have the life she dreamed of, because like my father pointed out on a daily basis, I was going nowhere. I'd ruin her life like I was destined to ruin my own. I silently considered. My expression remained even as Amanda balled up her fist and collided it with my chest. I deserved that and more. She was angry and hurt that I had pushed her away, and I knew she had every right to be. I took her choice away from her, which wasn't fair to her. Still, I justified that I did it because I loved her... I pushed her away because I didn't want her to remain on a sinking ship that was my life and worth, even if she didn't see it that way] Hit me. Yell at me. Do and say whatever you need to because I know I deserve it. Whatever my reasoning or what I meant to be with best intentions, you have every right to be angry at me. Just to be clear though, in spite of what you might think, I never stopped loving you. Not a day has passed that I haven't thought about you, Amanda. I just wanted you to have the best chance at the life you deserved. [I shrugged slightly in a sheepish sort of response. At this moment, I wanted nothing more than to grab her and pull her into my arms, but I couldn't. I knew I lost the right and chance to hold her in a warm, secure, protective, and loving embrace] You're right though... I shouldn't have let my father's views of me get to me. He saw me as garbage and after awhile, I let him convince me that he was right. That's on me, I know, because you're right, I should have fought for us. What's done is done. I screwed up, and I know I can't fix what I broke, or make up for the hurt I caused you, but for what it's worth, I am sorry, Amanda. Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted.

Pain that stays with you.

@notmuchtooffer

Loss; the pain that stays with you. 

Time heals all wounds they say. Amanda Collier once had the world at her Oyster. She had the wealth given from her family. She could’ve gone to any college in the country if her heart deserved. Amanda was top of her class, she knew how to read people her only down fall was hanging out with the tools like the jocks. Her last year of high school it all changed. Of course she had her eye on him weeks prior even waited for him to make a move. He hung out at Squeals a lot with his cousin and his cousins girlfriend. Amanda did her digging on Dawson Cole. 

The boy that appeared to pretend to be dumb. An awful liar she’d say. He didn’t try to be cool, he never tried to impress her. She smitten by him, Amanda liked a guy who needed that push. Of course all through the town were whispers about the Cole’s the family. Amanda should’ve been afraid of him like her parents wanted her to be. But she wasn’t. Dawson had a pure heart; he wanted to be more than what his family believed in him. My heart ached for him when I witnessed how his dad treated him, he wanted to protect me. And sometimes I only wished I could’ve done more to protect him. From the fate he landed in. 

2 years had passed since the last time I heard his voice. The last time he pleaded with me to leave. TOld me he loved him through the glass separating us. That day torn me up inside. Amanda was a firm believer in hope. For justice. Dawson is what motivated her to go to school to be a social worker; to give justice to kids like him. She tried to not think about him, but she could never help herself; each time she wrote a paper about what she felt justice was for kids, the impact the system had on families she thought about him. She wondered if he was okay. It pained her to keep moving forward without him. He would’ve risked it all for her. He had a future until that day; prom. The day he never showed to pick her up. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He did what the sheriff wanted; he cooperate, he turned on his father but the deal wasn’t enough. He was stuck to a life behind bars for at least 4-5 years. Amanda’s heart ached for him, she would’ve waited a lifetime for him. But Dawson fought her; after the last time he let her in to visit he refused. He acted like she meant nothing to him. She supposed that’s what stung the most. He rather have no one on his side. He came her no choice but to move forward; leaving town was her only option. 

Breaks from school like her spring break this week, was the only time the brunette was in town. She moved her bag back into the white mansion styled house. Her mother cheerful as she made muffins, blueberry that morning. Amanda mastered a happy expression; knowing where she was bringing the container full of muffins. Through the years each time Amanda was in town she always made it a habit to visit Tuck; the man who was like a father who always supported Dawson. She felt safe there; and it was nice to talk to someone who never believed in the gossip that swirled around town concerning Dawson. She’d ask if he seen him, in response he would tell her “ Don’t worry child, he’s okay.” In one piece she’d think to herself. Wearing her light purple dress, she had a messy bun in with her locks of hair. Amanda hummed to herself as she carried the container of muffins to her car. Tuck was normally home. 

Seated in her car, keys in the ignition; hands on the wheel, she slowly pulled up to his house. A smaller house; the garage was opened, the female had pulled into a stop, there was a guy outside setting up the hose, who the hell was it? Brows pushed together furrowing as she sat simply watching from a far. If Tuck had company Amanda had the sense to come back later..

[bathroomtrapped]

you will probably murder me in a painful way for saying this (based on the anger you leashed out in the previous asks) but saw 1 should be a stand alone film all along. even leigh&james who wrote the first 3 films think like this because theyre not involved in making the rest 7(?) films.

im not sure what u mean by anger in the last one? i think i kind of just answered their question about the screenplay as thoroughly as i could. who knows im a know-it-all whos dogshit with tone so its entirely possible. the first, sure i see it. i think its p obvious by my acc that im passionate about saw lol. i could see the whole 'the idea of disagreeing w this statement is insane' or 'i have eyes' are a bit rude! but also consider, i exaggerate to prove a point and be a little silly. a little joke, even.

honestly im not sure why im being asked these questions? dont get me wrong, i definitely enjoy them. clearly, given how long my responses are. im not an authority on saw, but i AM someone who thinks hes right abt everything so i do have a lot of things to say about it. i never claimed to be polite or personable, which is why i tend not to post my opinions unprompted. not everyone agrees with me and i have some pretty controversial opinions but different opinions rarely bother me. though, mark x amanda is just kind of strange?

i know a few ppl who agree that the mark saga was not... the best. and people are upset that leighs wishes were ignored in order to continue making sequels. i know he wasnt too happy abt the extra tape and stuff, which makes sense bc this is their franchise, but if they were not happy with it... im not sure why they bankrolled the rest? theyre producers on all of them after the first iirc. leigh might not like hoffman, his bastard child, but he seems content with us enjoying it so thats fine by me. if they truly hated it, i dont think theyd attach their names to it. that just looks like an endorsement. i think theyre just content with us enjoying it, leighs never seen them and probably never will but that doesnt mean he thinks we shouldnt see them either

i think a lot of horror would benefit if people were able to do things like this with franchises after people are done with them. theyre not always for everyone but i think a lot of people are fond of horror sequels. theyre just kind of a genre staple and i like what the rest of the films contributed to the lore. imagine if every horror franchise had a more open patent, like great gatsby? i think itd allow for more creativity. horror as a genre has so much world building bc it has to justify sooo much suspension of disbelief which means theres usually a lot to work with! imagine michael myers as a free character. id love to see what other writers think of his whole "fear personified" thing. if we allow more leeway with horror and less criticism at its imperfection, i think ppld enjoy it more. theyre cunt, theyre camp, and theyre fun and i consider myself a guy who likes fun

my favorite saw film when i first got into it was saw v for about a month and a half. its basically been a year since then and i would sacrifice the other films in a heartbeat for saw 2004, but i think theyre neat

[psychedelic-ink]

Spoiler filled rant about episode 4 of Kin under the cut because OH MY GOD

Okay first of all this episode gave me like legit stress, my cheeks burned and I literally started to sweat-- I just need to talk about it

So first of all Jamie was Michael's son???????? I saw a lot of people guessing it before the big reveal but I legit had no idea, sure apparently Amanda and mickey were having an affair (kudos to jimmy for like forgiving them both it seems like) but I in no way thought that Jamie was Mickey's kid-- Also does Jimmy know?? and like wtf Amanda the boy is dead so now you wanna talk about it??? Why not talk about it before, when Jamie was alive, even if Mickey thought about it it does make sense that he wouldn't want to come in and ask if the kid was his or not, especially since that's his brother's wife

god i just felt so so bad for everyone except for Amanda what a shitty situation to be in for all parties involved. I feel like Amanda just takes out all her anger on the family, even during the revelation of that Mickey wanted to leave and she told him to stay. He does and then BAM that was your son, why didn't you say anything etc. etc. Even then Michael's thinking of Jimmy saying that it was his place to do the eulogy which it was. Just because he was the biological father doesn't mean Jimmy wasn't Jamies father. Micheal, in the end, choose to ignore it even if his reasons were justified or not.

also quick side not it really annoyed me how amanda said "you've been fuckin' me," it takes two to fuck why act like all the blame falls on to Michael?

Honestly if I had to pick a villain in the family it would have to be Amanda, she just seemed toxic from the get-go. I understand why she acts the way that she does but she's just mean, like in episode three where Michael was literally only telling Amanda to bury the feeling in and trying to be helpful (about them taking revenge for Jamie) she turns and says "is that what you do with her?" why you gotta be so mean, my man's just trying to help and you're the one begged him to kill the murderer of her son.

Now, steering off the topic of Amanda, well not by a lot but still dvdfvfd, I am so HAPPY that she found out Viking was the one who started this all. I cannot wait for the whole family to whoop his ass because everything that happens in the show is legit is fault fbfbfdfv

Anywayss that's the end of my rant <3 can't wait to watch episode five but I need my stress to dissolve a bit, it's been a while since a series made me feel physically nervous and I'm loving it

sidenot: that scene with Anna was also very sad, the shitty friend, the phone call to mickey, I just want Anna to be happy-- I don't even care about Micheal that girl needs some comfort