#am suicidal again

[obiwan]

rewatching game of thrones is one thing, but rewatching game of thrones and hoping for a different outcome is a specific brand of insanity

[lotus-pear]

learning to love

[eddiethebrave]

secret admirer part twenty-two

759 words

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Eddie do you ever think about what you’re gonna do after high school? like how am i expected to know what i want to do with my life? i mean, i have another year to think about it but not that much can change in a year you probably wanna do something with music, right? make it big with your band and have people screaming your songs i’d go to every show if i could be your own personal groupie who knows? maybe that’s my calling p.s. have a good time at hellfire tonight i hope you win !!!!! -H

You’d think the win last night would put him in high spirits, and it did. At first. He celebrated with the guys, passed on the get together someone suggested, and drove home feeling proud. It was when he was laying in bed, though, that he started thinking. When he graduates, how often will he be able to ride a high like that? From pure accomplishment?

Steve puts on a brave face for morning practice. He doesn’t wanna drag anyone down with him. He goes through the motions of accepting congratulations and pats on the back from his peers and teachers alike all morning long. 

It only makes him think, though. 

Seriously, what comes after this? More school? Does he accept that internship at his father’s soul sucking company? Does he get a gob and jump right into adulthood?

What it really comes down to is the fact that Steve had never thought he’d have a future. Honestly. He’s getting closer and closer everyday to the next stage in his life, though. The years snuck up on him and now he has to deal with it. 

On a lesser scale, Steve doesn’t like thinking about what life will be like once Eddie graduates this coming May. How is Steve meant to tolerate this hellhole without him? Sure, he’d gone years without really noticing him, but now that he knows what it’s like to have a taste of him in his life, he doesn’t think he could go back. 

The whole thing makes his pulse quicken and sweat begin to bead at his hairline. By the time he makes it to art class, there’s a tension forming at his temples and he’s not looking forward to the headache. He doesn’t think he has it in him to act like everything’s normal. 

For once, Carol doesn’t acknowledge his foul mood. She’s too busy staring at Robin. For the portrait, of course. 

The teacher had informed them today the class is basically a free period and they can choose what to work on or what to not work on. 

Steve sits slumped over the table with his head resting on his folded arms. He kind of wishes Eddie hadn’t put the divider up and also that he had his sunglasses so he could stare at him without feeling weird about it. 

Instead, he rests his eyes and tunes into the sounds of pencil on paper surrounding him. He dozes for a while and has nearly fallen asleep when he’s awoken with a poke to his cheek. 

Steve peels his eyes open, but no one seems to be wanting his attention. There is, however, a piece of paper placed next to his left arm. 

It’s a drawing. 

A stick figure with tall swoopy hair and eerily realistic eyes. 

Steve looks to his left, only to find the culprit still hard at work with his face tucked behind the divider. 

Steve visually fills in the blank and surmises Eddie’s smile probably matches his own. 

Steve doesn’t dare fold the paper. He tucks it into the notebook he has to keep it safe. Throughout the rest of the day, he opens the book just to look at it. When he takes it home, he tapes it to a wall in his bedroom, somewhere he can always see it. 

Eddie did i ever tell you how sweet it is that your club has matching tees? i haven’t seen anyone who doesn’t do sports or the school band have a uniform but it makes sense that other clubs would, too you look good in black, don’t get me wrong, but GOD i thought i was gonna die the first time i saw yours so thanks for that also, while we’re on the subject of how hot you are,  you should wear your hair up more often p.s. sorry about the existential crisis on friday i wasn’t doing too good but i got a pick-me-up eventually <3 -H

twenty-three

tag list (closed)

@sofadofax @noodle-shenaniganery @queenie-ofthe-void @friendlyneighborhoodgaycousin @devondespresso

@dreamingtheimpossibe @plutoshelm @jaywhohasthegay @scarlet-malfoy @hotluncheddie

@dreamy-jeans137 @justdrugsformethanks @estrellami-1 @travelingtwentysomething @sleepy-steve

@wheneverfeasible @bisexual-and-broke @lil-gremlin-things @n0-1-important @xxbottlecapx

@tinyplanet95 @dannys-guilt-ridden-cockroach @theohohmoment @corvus-perplexus @hippieg1rl420

@blurryjoji @bookbinderbitch @arthurianace @dragonmama76 @thesuninyaface

@tillystealeaves @p0lybl4nkk @sageclipse @mugloversonly @chameleonhair

@thedragonsaunt @yesdangerpls @sanctumdemunson @slv-333 @loguine-linguine

@resident-gay-bitch @anaibis @moomkin77 @thrashbatx @salchica

@flustratedcas @ajeff855 @nerdyglassescheeseychick @pearynice @imaginary-maggie-waggie

[purpurussy]

charli xcx's critically-acclaimed album BRAT (2024) is something that can actually be so dan howell-coded

[royalarchivist]

Phil: [Reading a chat message] "Phil's gonna migrate to Kick on this stream lmao."

Phil: I will sooner kill myself – in real life, on stream – than do that.

Phil: Sorry, got a bit serious– [Laughs] I need you to understand– I need– [Laughs] I need you to understand that right now, in its current state, that fcking website is AWFUL for this community. It is awful in general! So yeah. No. Never happening. Unless some huge changes happen, which, I dunno if you can make any huge changes when your website is literally owned by Stake dot com, an evil fcking betting company. So– [Blows a raspberry] Yeah. I dunno dude. It's kind of rotten from the ground up.

Phil: For the second time, I have been offered to join a very not-so-great streaming website! And for the second time, I've said no! The website is dogsht! And fcking terrible! Specifically for my community. Why the fck are they still asking?! Go away! [Laughs] Go awayyyy! Stop! Stop your sht! Fix your fcking website! It's terrible!

[daisybell-on-a-carousel]

Still very wild to me when people try to gotcha Jason with the whole "if you can kill other people for being evil why can't they kill you" when jason is like. One of the most passively suicidal characters I've ever seen. What if man

[ronkeyroo]

Hanging On ✄ - - - A Thread

[wizardnuke]

idk what to tell u man. brains are really weird. my psychotic symptoms are 100% fixed by antidepressants because it's the depression causing them. yeah the dsm-5 exists but we don't actually understand what's causing all that. every treatment path is different because every brain is different

[naamahdarling]

The "Get help!" hotline/warmline 988 211 "Help is available, reach out!" lip service paid to mental health, and the gross prioritization of physical survival and the uninjured body over the nuance and clinical inconvenience of a person genuinely struggling with the difficulty of a world that makes no room for them, is genuinely infuriating.

The unwillingness of the whole mental health field to acknowledge that thoughts of suicide and self-harm are understandable, common, and dare I say pretty fucking normal reactions to extreme situations, and to treat people as though the problem is that they are having these thoughts instead of treating people as though the problem is that they do not have actual material support in their lives, is utterly irresponsible.

Stop asking me about wrongthoughts and no-no naughty actions. Start asking whether I need someone to come fix my stove, sink, and dishwasher so I can cook.

I love my meds and my therapist has worked wonders, but I still desperately need someone to help me clean the house and guide me through legal paperwork that might protect me from Social Security when my father dies. Your outdated list of food banks is great. Now give me the name of a disability lawyer who works pro bono on anything other than applications and appeals.

If you want me to stop casually thinking about dying a dozen times a day, fucking help me live.

[cent-scratchnsniff]

here together

[theofreakingbell]

thinking abt Thor being raised to glorify and idolize death in battle to the point that self destructive impulses and passive suicidiality do not get the attention they should / he doesn't even realise it's wrong until he's living peacefully in new asgard and starts taking more care with when he risks himself, for the sake of not just wanting to leave Loki and others behind but because he isn't indifferent to what happens to himself anymore

[bronzetomatoes]

The Unexpected Consequence of Making Too Many Suicide Jokes

[dropthedemiurge]

As I rewatch Episode 6 of Love for Love's Sake, it made me think - (not a fully fledged theory because I didn't count all instances of system errors) but before we got the scariest System Error, one of the first ones that left Myungha sweaty, crying, gasping for air, he received a message from Sunbae "I miss you... If only I could go (where you are)", and now we know it means afterlife.

Myungha instantly gets thrown into a windwhirl of random decorations, ends up watching himself from the Black Void as he gets the notification about "destabilized system".

We know he's dying at this point. We know the game is going in his mind while he's drowning (ot already drowned). So what if... System Error - is his own brain fighting for life and losing. All the glitches come from Myungha actively dying. It can be all a long hallucination in a freezing water to bring him peace and happiness, after all.

So, at the end of the episode, after other system errors, Myungha is forced to go through a cruel choice of choosing between keeping in the Game (in his mind) his grandma or Yeowoon, otherwise the remaining time in the game gets drastically shorter.

I was thinking about something I deal with so often - if you don't have enough operating memory or CPU resources in your computer, you're forced to close programs and hope for the computer to stop lagging and work again. In fact, that's the notification Myungha gets: (not in exact words) "existing programs should be closed/deleted to stabilize the system. Please stay, we're focusing on the recovery".

What if his brain needed to forget about some things to save the strength and still keep him alive. To prolongue his possible on-the-verge-of-death state of being before the inevitable end. But Myungha refused to let go of either Yeowoon or his grandma, using all the brain power, so... No wonder his remaining time to find peace got so much shorter.

And as he made the choice to overwork his brain and keep more people in his mind, he immediately experiences glitches again, random locations, broken notifications, can't see himself in the mirror, he fears to disappear. Followed by the scene among floating bubbles underwater. Another sign of death knocking at Myungha's door.

It's just, other system errors ("I love you" - system error) came from Myungha unable to accept love and care directed at him (so, dealing with his source of stress - using more brain power again?), so I thought... Maybe he's responsible for other system errors as well. Maybe it was not sunbae cackling in evil and enjoying making Myungha miserable with his forced choice at all.

Maybe it all happened because Myungha was dying right at that exact moment, and he chose to die faster but try to catch his happiness.

(and, obviously, the countdown to 0:00:00 and Myungha reaching his happy ending with Yeowoon at the same time - endless happy afterlife, celebrated with the end of the game (his actual life as his consciousness is gone and myungha is finally at peace with everything), easily falls into this trajectory too)

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

whatever you do, don't think about how lana saw herself in edgeworth, ok? don't think about how she wanted to distance herself from him the moment they met because he could possibly see through the sl-9 plan and ruin everything, but she couldn't because he was kind, if not a little awkward, to her terrified sister in a case where everyone else's only concern was securing a conviction. don't think about how she brought ema to the prosecutor's office (because she damn well wasn't going to let her sister face this alone) with her hackles raised and her defences bolstered because she'd heard about the "demon prosecutor" and his ways just to realise he's nothing but a young man, trying his best to survive under the weight of his mentor's shadow and ensure justice is served by whatever means he can. don't think about how she felt later, when she was under gant's thumb and knew for a fact that all those rumours surrounding von karma's perfect record were, in fact, true and that he was using edgeworth's faith in him to fulfill his own goals. don't think about how she felt when she had to begin doing the same. or what must have gone through her head when she entered her office one morning to find a case approval form waiting for her on her desk: the state v. miles edgeworth. don't think about how she knew, once she saw the name of the prosecutor assigned to his case, that she was signing his death warrant. don't imagine what she rehearsed saying to his sister or her realisation, after his miraculous survival, why he had been so understanding of her own. don't wonder, as she did, ineffectually, if it was his competence or her fondness for him that led to his car and knife being chosen to cover goodman's murder — a second attempt at his permanent removal — and whether it was affection or guilt that made her stand by the corpse, waiting readily to be caught in his stead. don't think about how she finds out, eventually, that he is gone, in a jail cell so far from remorse, gratitude and closure that she can only sit and turn in her head distorted thoughts about luck and fortuitous third chances. don't.

[ganondoodle]

i dont know what the plan is now, i have never had a plan for anything, but i dont want to delete the previous posts bc it feels like im trying to sweep things under the rug or act like they didnt happen

[shamera]

March-April manhwa reccs

In the vein of my last few reccs, here is the latest instalment in Shams-reads-too-much (I know it's only mid-April). This time, I'm back to the top 3 format but with a list of Honorable Mentions because oh boy, the readin' don't stop!

3. The Guild Member Next Door [30 chapters so far]

How is no one talking about this one? The first BL series to make it on my top lists, this is an online gamer meet-ugly cafe story that had me cackling through every chapter. It will brighten your day (threat). The story of an office worker slash secret gamer who starts playing the MMO Illusion and tries to join Poseidon guild only to immediately get PK'ed and accused of being a stalker's alt account, and in his revenge he befriends the entire guild as an FU to his attacker, only for his attacker to in-game propose to him to troll him in return. An adorable and hilarious story following the two as they purposefully step on each other's toes all the way until they're friends in-game, never realizing that they actually know each other IRL!

2. Martial God Regressed to Level 2 [one season]

Let's just say in chapter 1 all of humanity dies, so we already know how this story's going to go. Another OP protagonist whom I really enjoy, starting from scratch in hopes of saving the world. It's Seong Jihan's relationship with his family that makes this series hit different, as he not only uses his knowledge to try and prevent humanity's tragedies, but also does his best this time around to save his niece from her downward mental spiral and become a good role model for her after her father walks away. With little to lose now that he knows what's to come, the MC is more than willing to make enemies out of everyone to ensure they step up their game before the real fight for humanity begins.

1. SSS-Class Suicide Hunter [3 seasons]

This was already on Honorable Mentions back in December, and I know my recc list is meant for new reads, but I had to slap this down again after the PHENOMENAL season 3 ending. We've already seen Kim Gongja's crazy fights to ascend the tower, but the sheer hope. The belief in a better world that these characters have, and their determination to make it so, brought me to tears at the end of season 3. The story of a hunter with negative survival instincts, and a power that allows him to regress to a day before he dies every time he dies... it's not the type of story that I expected to see such delicate beauty within suffering, but here we are, with an MC ready to delve into storybooks to empathize with and relieve the suffering of the characters within, no matter what it takes. I'm so excited for season 4 and the next storybook, I am vibrating.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Raising a Sacrifice

This series is impossible to describe and impossible to put down for long. This is the ultimate fantasy time-loop transmigration system apocalypse god-maker BL I have ever read? It's what happens when the apocalypse keeps resetting and you can never escape that last year no matter how many times you die, and the toll on one's mental state when you start trying-- everything. Murder. Genocide. Madness. And falling in love, again and again and again. And being alone again, after every reset. Thousands and millions of times until you lose all hope, until one day... the MC wakes up with memories of being murdered by his faithful knight, and now there's finally two people with memories beyond one timeline.

Medical Return [complete!!]

The story of a surgeon who led a pitiful life, only to return to his childhood once more by the grace of the gods-- and this time he's determined to not lead the same life again! Now if only the world got that hint, as he seems to be continuously steered back onto his original path, while trying to dodge the tragedies in his life and save just one more person others gave up for dead. This time around, he has a little outside help to finally uncover just why his life went so wrong at every turn the first time and help him retain that inherent goodness without being taken advantage of once more. With an MC with a deposition truly befitting a good doctor, this is for all fans of hospital dramas, and is complete!!

Kill the Villainess [complete!!]

The only way to return home is to play the role of the villainess, Eris, who is condemned to death after attempting to kill the heroine. There is no way to escape that fate, as Eris can't even succeed at taking her own life before she completes her part in the plot. The story of a villainess trying to die to change the story, yet unable to as she continues to uncover backstory beyond the original novel to find the reason why her soul was stuck in this world and unable to leave, while attempting to bypass paths that would trap her in the novel forever. At what point will her actions make her a true villain, and just what is she willing to do in order to return home to the real world?

Little Mushroom

...my cheat this month, with me using the novel cover and everything. (Please read the books, there are only 2 novels and the prose is breathtaking.) The manhua is absolutely gorgeous beyond compare, and the story covers a sentient mushroom post-apocalypse who is journeying into a dangerous human settlement trying to find the spore that was taken from him. In a world where threats to humans loom at every corner and shadow, drastic measures are taken to protect those who survive, employing "Judges" with absolute power to kill if they suspect a being of not being human. It's the story of a non-human and a Judge finding themselves and each other by navigating the active end of the world.

My Darling Signed In [complete!!]

Cute?? Adorable???? Another online gamer couple who meet in real life, this BL story is genuinely all fluff as the MC is found to play a beautiful female elf online, yet their beau falls in love either way as it was the same charisma and personality that drew them in. A green flag couple with turns that surprised me every time with how wholesome things are. It's 2 seasons and complete, featuring them from collage to work space through their ups and downs, navigating their relationship and growing as people all the while continuing their game. Do you need a cute read with a guaranteed happy ending? Here it is!!

Zero Day Attack [1 season done]

Another BL on the list?? This month is full of surprises, as this time it's about a hacker who had to go into hiding after being exposed and is now a barista by day while working to find the man who betrayed him by night, all the while running away from both the organizations he hacked and his old colleagues who are looking for him. Things get complicated when a man who shows up at the cafe he works at won't leave him alone, and blurs the line between his search for revenge and the fake life he's currently living. This one eked its way above Netkama Punch for the mystery and intrigue (as well as having a main couple who is obsessed with each other without wanting to bring harm to the other).

I Will Change the Genre

A transmigrater meets a regressor, and suddenly the novel plot is going very, very awry! In the novel, Judith Maybaum is the hateful aunt of the main character who betrays her nephew and dies for it, yet "Judith Maybaum" isn't actually the same character now, and her nephew is also acting very odd when the story starts rolling. She's determined that her nephew will not go through his lonely and sorrowful life this time around, even if it means giving his custody to the Duke Winterwald, yet for some reason the protagonist clings to her and calls her 'mother' when the Duke comes to take him away! A touching and funny story with, once again, a green flag couple as well as an adorable aunt and nephew pair, both with foreknowledge of the future in different ways as they mess things up and unravel a story that neither of them knew.

GOOD ENOUGH I READ EVERYTHING: -Netkama Punch -The Bromance Book Club [complete] -The Live [complete] -I'll Be the Matriarch in this Life -Reincarnator -Dark Mage Returns to Enlistment -The Main Characters that Only I Know -My Lucky Encounter from the Game Turned Reality -The Archmage's Restaurant -I Tamed a Tyrant and Ran Away -I Created an Urban Legend -The Regressed Demon Lord is Kind