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gojology · 4 years ago

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Jealousy. (2/3)

𝑨𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓'𝒔 𝑵𝒐𝒕𝒆 | I AM MAKING THIS A 3 CHAPTER STORY CUZ IM TOO LAZY TO WRITE EVERYTHING TODAY. anyways, jealous mad gojo is so, so cute. i was considering making this super angsty and sad but i figured ill save that for another time. ALSO THERES LIKE 0 ROMANCE HERE IM SORRY 𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 | Teen! Gojo Satoru x Gender Neutral Reader 𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝑪𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 | 1186 𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 | Cursing, mentions of body parts. ALL CHARACTERS HERE ARE AGED DOWN FROM PRESENT ANIME/MANGA INTO WHEN THEY WERE TEENAGERS. 𝑺𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚 | Shoko, confronting Gojo about her theory on Gojo’s crush, attempts to get an answer. Unlucky for her, you and Geto crash the occasion. Gojo, being the little angry baby he is (gojo slander is acceptable), rage quits and storms away. Geto comforts him about you. Gojo gawked, turning over. The can tumbled down his face, leaving a trail of water behind, water droplets rolled down Gojo’s pale skin. Shoko’s grave eyes glared directly back, her usual laid-back atmosphere had evaporated into thin air. The can landed on his t-shirt hem, cursing to himself in his head as the water seeped into the fabric. Gojo gulped, an unbreakable, heavy silence loomed over the two. Could he ever catch a fucking break from Shoko’s smart ass? Gojo could hear all the rustling of the leaves, the screams of (Y/N) and Geto, and never before had he realized how much he hated Geto’s screams and laughs compared to yours. All he had wanted to hear was you, and no one else. “Why would I have a crush on them?” Gojo laughed awkwardly, impulsively flicking open the can of pink lemonade. He took a light sip in an attempt to appear casual and nonchalant. “Are you being sarcastic Shoko? I legit can’t tell.” Shoko exhaled dramatically, leaning onto the tree as well. Pulling her knees toward her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs, enjoying Gojo squirming and trying to appear as if he wasn’t panicking. She was sure to relish the feeling of power, because usually, with Gojo destroying everything in sight, he hogged all the power. “No, I just notice how you’re always staring at them, and even though Geto’s your best friend you look like you want to use the extent of all your powers and pulverize the guy with a flick of your wrist.” she stuck her hand in the icebox, shuffling around and looking for a drink, letting out a shudder as the icecubes rubbed against her. Gojo spat out his drink. “You are smoking some HAIRY ASS FUCKING COCK, Shoko. Geto’s my best bud, shit we even compared dick sizes once! If he wants to go after (Y/N), it’s whatever, I don’t care.” “Didn’t need to know that Satoru, back to the point.” she yanked out a carton of apple juice, stabbing the straw into the carton. She took a long sip, setting it down before crawling up to Gojo. She looked directly into his eyes, her tone unwavering. “I’m afraid you’re the one who’s smoking... You know, I prefer not to use vulgar language like that. I’ve always realized that you stare at (Y/N) more often then you don’t.” Not knowing how to respond, Gojo turned around, looking for anything to occupy his time. Firmly gripping onto the picnic basket, scavenging inside of it, trying to forget Shoko’s piercing eyes. He took a deep breath in, turning over with a bag of packaged red bean filled mochi in his hand. You know what? Maybe he did have a thing for (Y/N), fuck how could he know? He didn’t really have any experience with intimate relationships, the closest he had gotten was fucking a few girls in bed, maybe for a few weeks. That was the extent of it all. He tore the wrapper open, opening his mouth to speak. “Okay, fuck, maybe you got me. I-” Suddenly, Geto and (Y/N) burst into the scene. Panting heavily, Geto’s hands on his knees, sweat pouring from his forehead. (Y/N)’s hand over their stomach, you crumpled to the ground, thankfully on the picnic blanket, in a fit of laughter and tears in your eye. “Heard something about hairy cock, Satoru.” he grinned, extending his arm to his best friend. “I got some, if you’d want it.” Silence pounded in everyone’s ears, no one even dare breathed a word, aside from heavy breathing from Geto and (Y/N). The trees rustled and whistled with the wind. “Geto!” you laughed, desperately trying to make conversation, slapping his hand away. You looked at Shoko and Gojo, hoping for some form of reaction, you were almost sure Gojo would chuckle a bit, shaking Geto’s hand. Instead, both appeared disgruntled and were incredibly close to eachother. You felt your gut twist. “...Do we have any ramune?” you timidly mumbled, the atmosphere was incredibly serious, you noted, a far cry from the bright, cheerful one you just had with Geto earlier. “Yeah.” Gojo calmly replied, a tone of negativity carried in his voice, tossing you a bottle. You caught it, fumbling with it a little before it dropped to the ground, dirt rubbed the bright, colorful design printed onto the glass bottle. He strode off, hands shoved into his pockets and mumbling about something. Geto blinked. “What’s wrong with that guy?” Geto looked down at Shoko, who was now playing with her hair. He gestured to Gojo’s figure disappearing as time passed by. “Dunno, why don’t you ask him?” Shoko playfully suggested, drinking from her carton with a small smile on her lips. “Thanks, smartass, will do.” ‧₊˚✩彡. “Yo, Satoru!” Geto jogged over, feet repeatedly hitting the pavement, it sorta sounded like a rhythm. Gojo glanced over his shoulder, begging to all things good that it was (Y/N) about to dramatically confess his love to him. On any other day, Gojo would welcome Geto with open arms, ready to go pick up chicks in Tokyo and take them to the bedroom, but an anger was brewing inside of him instead. “Hi.” he muttered, anxiety now overfilling out of the brim of his body. What did Geto have that he didn’t? Geto strode up, spitting at the ground as he did so. “What’s with the long face, didn’t get any pussy recently?” he joked, placing a hand on his shoulder. Gojo, in response, jerked his shoulder away. Geto looked at Gojo’s face, a mixture of confusion before a look of understanding settled in. “Hey, man, you good?” Gojo nodded, glaring at a group of pigeons eating scattered bread. Staring back at Gojo, they hopped backwards, small bits of bread in the hold of their beaks. Even Geto didn’t know how to respond to such a serious Gojo. He smiled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head. “Um, well, you know there’s a shit load of time left for the picnic. You can come back whenever, (Y/N)’s been meaning to talk to you about some bullshit.” Gojo perked up, his slump disappearing. It seemed like the guy had a whole new personality. “Really?” a tinge of hope in his voice, he tried hiding it. Geto nodded before grinning, looking down at Gojo’s feet, and then looking up. “What, you checking me out?” Gojo scoffed, a hint of relief at the casual talk. It had been a while since he had really talked to Geto like a best friend. “Nah.” Geto faced towards the picnic area, his back now facing Gojo. He glanced back, long black hair blowing in the wind. “I’m gonna assume this is about (Y/N), good luck..” Gojo watched as Geto casually walked back to the site, as if he didn’t just say weirdly serious sounding shit, like he didn’t carry all the worries in the world with his shoulders. “What the fuck could (Y/N) want?” Gojo murmured to himself, kicking at some pebbles as he looked at the ground.

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 4 years ago

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Blood Red Heat prt 39

Lance was wild. How someone could operate semi-humanly while hacking his lungs up was going to be his omega’s new defining moment. Mornings had never been Lance’s best friend, nor Keith’s, but it seemed to be time they both woke up with the need to touch each other... Then, as Lance had improved, they’d done less touching and more “Lance dragging him from Red to go for a morning walk with Kosmo, despite the chill in the air leaving the omega coughing”. They had the same problem at night. Lance would want to sit up with the pack, but the cold air aggravated his lungs.

The pack had been really good with him. When Pidge started tinkering with her comms, she actually took the time to explain what she was doing to Lance. When Hunk needed to collect herbs, he invited Lance along, given their walks were never as far as Lance insisted on going in the mornings. Their first walk had been to Black, the closest of the five lions to Red. Lance could now make to Green before needing to rest, then Yellow. Yellow was the limit, the first time he’d had to support Lance back, because his omega didn’t want to be carried. Allura let Lance play with her hair, then Romelle asked him to do her hair too... Krolia was still a challenge, his mother trying to talk to Lance had ended up with Lance kind of squeaking, and apologising for being ill. When his mother hugged Lance, Lance turned red as he held his breath, Keith choosing not to save him immediately because with Lance being a permanent addition to their family, he had to learn to cope with Krolia sooner rather than later.

Shiro took a little longer to warm back up to. Lance wanted to be close to him, but sometimes he couldn’t find the right words, so would move closer to Keith for comfort. His brother seriously fearing Lance didn’t like him anymore, until Lance finally found the words to explain he sometimes got a bit overwhelmed and confused as he wasn’t used to having his omega talking to him. Keith getting jealous when their little sign for this would be Lance holding onto Shiro’s hand or leg. When they were alone, Lance could articulate most of what he wanted to say, but there were clear signs he’d forget or get muddled when he really tried to concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes. Coran seemed to think it was all exhaustion and would work its self out slowly as Lance began being able to stay awake longer and longer.

Then Lance went and surprised him. Krolia had started teasing him over how lazy he’d become. When Keith had sent his boyfriend a pleading look, Lance had waved him off to train with his mother and Kosmo. His mother was mercilessly. Training felt good after being so stagnant, but every muscle throbbed as he dragged himself into Black to shower and change. Black laughing at his exhaustion, always his biggest supporter right there. Unintentionally he’d kind of fallen asleep on his bed, his bed so inviting after being made to run laps around all 5 lions... the lions were massive... and life wasn’t fair.

Panicking hard over falling asleep, he’d rushed outside to find the sun had set. Jogging into camp to find Lance and apologise his arse off for not being there for him, Hunk tricked him. Playing up that Lance needed alone time, he sent him running off to find Lance who’d “wandered away from camp and refused to come back”. Their friends were wankers. Lance had wandered away from camp, to set up a picnic for the pair of them. Sitting on the blanket with Kosmo, the space was lit with two emergency lights. Keith not knowing he was walking into a picnic until he’d come to the edge of the blanket

“Babe?”

Staring up at the night sky, Lance shifted his gaze to him, smiling up in a way that went straight to Keith’s heart

“Hey, you”

“Hey, yourself. Been here long?”

“A little while. Come sit down next to me”

Sitting beside Lance, Lance moved the blankets he had around his shoulders to cover both their shoulders, Kosmo whining disinterestedly at his arrival. Lance didn’t seem overly sad. There was nothing in his scent that pointed to him being upset

“Hunk said you’d wandered off wanting to be alone”

“That’s because I asked him to. I’m sorry, you would have worried, but I wanted to do something nice for you. It’s not much in the way of dinner, and it’s cold now, I thought a picnic under the stars would be nice”

Keith couldn’t quite believe it

“You... organised something for me?”

“Yeah. The others helped, before you tell me off for pushing myself. I know caring for a person is hard and I wanted to show that I appreciate you”

Smiling at him so sincerely, Lance was the prettiest omega he’d ever met

“You didn’t have to”

“I wanted to. Hunk helped me cook. And I had a nap earlier while you were sleeping so I’d be awake enough to do this tonight”

“Babe... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to crash out”

“You needed it. I saw how hard Krolia pushed you today”

His mother’s hard training now made sense

“Why am I now getting the feeling she was in on this?”

“Because she was. No big surprise, but it’s soup again. And some herbs that are meant to resemble a salad”

“No meat?”

Lance elbowed him softly in the side

“No. If there were chickens I could have cut and gutted one, but there wasn’t”

Keith was instantly in awe. Living on space whale he’d had to learn how to catch and kill animals to break the monotony of plant based dinners, Krolia had to teach him more than he’d ever wanted to know

“You know how to do that?”

“I come from a farming family. How do you think I knew how to milk a cow?”

“That’s... fair. You didn’t have to do anything special for me”

“I did and I do. Sick Lance is kind of an arsehole”

“Nah, not an arsehole. I will give you that you’re stubborn”

Lance sighed a sigh that Keith couldn’t quite place. Despite being happy, there was something there that tugged at him

“Babe?”

“Sorry. I was thinking about home before you came. You didn’t... okay, my home was always super super busy. Even if you were sick, you still helped out. If your hands were free, you’d fill them. That kind of thing”

Oh. He didn’t know what to say to that. Lance had a loving family from the sounds of everything he’d said

“That sounds...”

“Hard? Yeah. It was. There was a time I was really mad at my parents, but I’m over that. Anyway, you should eat”

“What about you?”

“Don’t worry, I’m going to eat too. Hunk made me eat earlier, then Pidge let me nap against her...”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Romelle is totally becoming a bad arse too. Shiro was helping her and Allura train. Coran kept throwing in suggestions but they didn’t go well”

It sounded like Lance had had a good day without him. Keith feeling kind of lonely to have missed it, not that he’d say so. Lance needed his pack and they’d all finally stopped reapologising to each other

“So why under the stars?”

“I used to love watching the stars when I was a kid. My siblings and I would make up dumb stories, then my Mami would come yell at us all for being outside”

“Why do I feel like she had a lot to deal with?”

“She did. There was never a moment of peace at home in Cuba. Cousins and siblings and chores... and a son that didn’t confirm to the standards of being an omega”

“That’s not on you. That’s no more your fault than... well, anything”

Lance chuckled as he snuggled close

“You’ve gotten better with your words, but it’s reassuring that you’re still you under all that rugged and grizzled appearance”

“I didn’t ask to grow up”

“I know. I know that it would have been hard, even with a mission to preoccupy yourself with. We’ll throw it on the therapy pile how insecure I am about my looks when my alpha is smoking hot”

“Says you”

“Dude, literally, have you seen yourself in a mirror? Omegas and betas are going to be queuing up just to catch a glance of Voltron’s sexy leader”

“Leaders, babe”

Lance hummed his disagreement, Keith kissing his boyfriend’s hair, using Lance’s words against him

“You really do have shockingly little faith in yourself”

“I look like a walking skeleton”

“Because you nearly died. I don’t care if you never have curves or whatever it is omegas think they need. As long as you’re healthy”

“Can I take a pass on going there right now? I don’t want to start wallowing over myself again when I want to spend the night out here with you”

“Fine, but only because it’s you”

“Thanks, babe. Anyway, let’s eat”

The soup really was cold. The salad a game of picking the herbs that didn’t taste awful on their own. Kosmo trying something that he obviously hated the taste of, his wolf taking off back towards the main camp as if he’d been betrayed. Pushing the remains of their dinner down the other end of the blanket, the pair of them laid next to each other under the stars, hand in hand

“Babe, how many stars do you think we’ve actually seen up close?”

“Me or you?”

“Either, either”

That was hard. They’d seen a lot of space, and yet they’d seen so very little of it

“No where near all of them?”

Lance’s snort told him he’d gotten the answer right. This was actually kind of nice, like way back when space hadn’t been all of this. When there were still mysteries out there that were mysteries and not an alarming gap in their intel

“Yeah... yeah, that’s true. Keith... do you wonder if maybe we’re still in the game?”

Rolling to his side, Keith leaned in to kiss Lance softly

“No. I did for a bit, but not anymore”

“I’ve been wondering why I’m taking all of this so calmly. We all apologised again, and I think I’m okay with that, but after so long... this kind of feels like a dream”

Keith bit back pointing out Lance hadn’t been all that calm when he’d been sicker

“We’ve got our second dynamics back, and I don’t know about your omega, but my alpha has been pretty nonstop”

“I don’t... my head feels busy. It feels weird...”

“Good weird or bad weird?”

“Both. Sometimes I feel ok and others I feel so on edge that it feels like everything will break”

“Depression and anxiety will do that to you. Plus, you need to cut yourself a break. You presented really late”

“I know. Maybe that’s why I keep wondering if this is all a dream?”

“I promise you it’s all very real. We’re here together”

Nosing into Lance’s cheek, his omega’s scent filled him with warmth. Reminding Keith he had another question to ask

“I know this is a bit late, but do you mind when I call you “omega”?”

“At first it kind of... didn’t feel right, but I can hardly deny it after spending your rut and my heat together”

“I’m sorry it was such a huge burden on your body”

“It’s okay. And... honestly, it did get better. You’re a kind alpha”

“I’m not so sure about that. I did get... rather... passionate”

Lance snorted again, tilting his head to kiss Keith’s cheek just short of his lips

“I am. You... were very good to me”

Keith sighed as he forced himself to roll back. Lance was very very tempting, more so than Pike

“You’re going to wake my alpha up again if we keep talking about sex”

“Maybe I want to...”

“Babe?”

This time Lance rolled to face him, his omega walking his fingers up Keith’s chest and bopping him lightly on the tip of his nose

“You... me... under the stars”

Keith wasn’t not interested, but he did wonder with all Lance’s questioning if this was a dream

“I thought you were recovering”

“I am. I also had a talk with Coran today too. He didn’t say rush into sex, but he did say that if I wanted to be intimate with you, that was my choice and it’s my body. He also went on and on about honour, and how you were a very honourable man... and how you reacted at the idea of me being knotted to save my life”

Keith had been furious and sick to his stomach at the thought that could be the only way

“I didn’t want to... not without your consent. You sound like you had a very busy day”

“I know. And kind of, but not really at the same time... I just... being in love with Allura was tiring. I couldn’t blame her for not loving me back, and I didn’t understand how... How I couldn’t be enough. On the other hand, you... These last few however long it’s been... it’s made me feel... infinity better. It’s... easy with you. I feel like... I’m waiting for your every word and to see what comes next for us. That makes me sound pretty pathetic”

Lifting their hands, Keith kissed the back of Lance’s

“I don’t think it does. I just honestly don’t want you to feel rushed or that I won’t be interested because we don’t have a super intense sex life. I want to do this right”

“I know you do... I hate the term “making love”... but I can’t think of how else to word it. I want to make love to you under all these stars before everything gets hectic again. I want to try to work harder on concentrate on making these small happy moments with you”

“I don’t want to aggravate your lungs...”

“Babe, my lungs will be a mess for a long time. Coran didn’t say it, but it could take months for everything to heal properly, if they ever do... If you treat me like glass every time I cough, I don’t think I can take it”

“I just... don’t want to lose you”

“Trust me, apparently I’m stubborn”

Keith kissed the back of Lance’s hand twice more

“You are very stubborn... I think I can be in the mood for a little romance”

“Mmm... why don’t you show me what you’ve got, samurai”

Laying Lance out under the stars, Keith wanted to do this right. Lance was a hopeless romantic. Absolutely hopeless and well known for his romantic heart. Lance smelt intoxicating, his natural musk mixing with his aroused hues. Kissing Lance’s inner thighs, the way the muscles jumped was adorable

“You okay, babe?”

“Yeah... just... very exposed”

Keith had stripped him down slowly, Lance’s shirt hadn’t made it easy, both of them smacking their foreheads against each other as the clumsily made their way through things. Kissing had lead to wandering hands, Lance making the sweetest little mews as Keith had slowly started to open him, as he hid his face against Keith’s shoulder

“I’m just as exposed, you know”

Covering his face, Lance mumbled into his hands. The emergency lights had been laid down to cut the amount of light, yet Keith knew if he could have seen it, Lance would be blushing

“But you’re so hot it’s not fair”

Smirking down at Lance, Keith teased him gently

“Oh, babe. You’ve got it bad for me, don’t you”

“Shut up”

Too cute. Lance was too cute. Did all alphas turn into such idiots when they found their omega?

The sex was slow, Keith tracing his hands over Lance soft skin, keeping his thrusts slow almost to the point of lazy, Lance’s scent grew sweeter and sweeter. It was nothing like sex with Pike, or the hard dirty sex they’d had when both their instincts were screaming to breed. Having marked Lance’s neck with plenty of possessive hickeys, his boyfriend smacked him when he started teasing his nipples. The tiny brow buds just the right size. Lance had fallen apart beneath him, the back of his hand against his mouth, though it didn’t stop the little moans and mews that Lance would give. Everything was so overwhelmingly intoxicating. The warm wetness of his boyfriend’s heat. The wet squelching noises each time be buried himself. The way Lance was so open and pliant for him. And the fact that other than him, and Darkstorm, no one else had laid hands on their beautiful omega. Lance’s ganglyness might turn other alphas away, but Keith knew how much work Lance put it into training. He knew he worked himself far more than anyone else, except for maybe him.

Moving his hand from his mouth to Keith’s shoulder, Lance whined softly

“Up...”

Keith stopping his thrust to leave himself buried deeply in his omega, so close to coming but wanting Lance to come first

“You want up?”

“I wanna cuddle”

“Okay, little omega”

Seating Lance in his lap, his omega cried out as he sank back down on Keith’s erection, Keith massaging Lance’s arse as he gave him a moment to adjust. With his arms wrapped around him, it was like they were only two beneath the blanket of stars above

“You okay, babe?”

“Mmm... I want it hard and fast”

So bossy...

Taking Lance by the hips, Keith let his control slip, moving Lance to meet each desperate thrust as his knot started forming

“Do you want my knot?”

“Please... alpha... I’m going crazy”

His pride swelled, his omega pleasured to the point of wanting his knot. Lance might not fall pregnant any time soon, but practicing was fun. Rolling his hips, they both moaned, Lance’s lips finding his, kisses clumsy as Keith thrust up over and over, knot flaring as Lance came with a heavy groan, his full weight driving Keith’s knot as deep as it’d go as his own orgasm painted his lovers insides with his seed. Biting on Lance’s shoulder, he’d very nearly bitten Lance’s neck, the amount of pleasure and joy he felt nearly forcing him to bond with his omega too soon.

Boneless and breathless, Lance nuzzled into his hair. Body shaking as Keith kept rutting through each slow burst of cum. Had Lance been able to fall pregnant, Keith was sure he’d pumped enough into knock him up. He’d never experienced anything like it a rut. Sure, he’d come a lot, but this was like a fucking volcanic eruption in comparison... and the way Lance rippled and squeezed... his body already trying for a pup of their own. Pups weren’t everything, and if the day came where Lance wanted a pup, Keith would do absolutely everything he could to make that dream happen.

With Lance firmly knotted, Keith hushed him as his knot jostled, the alpha reaching for a blanket to cover his loves cooling body. It’d do no good for Lance to catch a cold when he still had so far to go recovering. Kissing his hair, his omega hummed softly, a “thank you for the blanket” that he couldn’t find the words for

“Babe, are you okay?”

“Mmmm”

“My knot should go down soon... I’m sorry it puts so much strain on you”

His crotch was soaked from cum and slick, he’d probably regret it later, but that was for later Keith to deal with

“Mmm... ‘s ‘kay”

“You did so good, babe. So good for me”

“‘nly you”

“Yeah, babe. Only me”

They’d all apologised to each other, yet Keith still felt a burst of anger that their pack could think Lance would be sleeping around on diplomatic missions. It was the same kind of useless anger that he’d felt about leaving the team with Kuron. An anger he couldn’t do anything about, and an anger that would take a while to fade. Before they’d even been... close? Keith hadn’t thought Lance the type to sleep with just anyone, despite the “Nyma incident” and his omega’s chronic flirting. Lance was so damn faithful. He’d never do anything to risk negotiations or put their pack in danger. If Keith let himself think too much on it, he’d only grow angry at everything all over again.

Whining softly, Keith caught the hues of anger starting to bleed into his scent, upsetting Lance

“Shhh... it’s okay. My alphas just getting worked up at the idea of anyone daring to think they could hurt you”

Things were different for him. Lance had forgiven their pack, one by one, and as “Pike”. Yet his boyfriend had admitted he did feel moments of hurt and unsureness sometimes when he’d catch one of their pack out the corner of his eye. To Keith it was understandable. He wouldn’t have been mad with Lance if Lance hadn’t been able to accept the apology of their pack yet, yet Lance was so damn kind

“You won’t let ‘em”

“Nah, babe. They have to get through me first”

“Mmm... so damn dependable”

Tickling Lance’s side, the omega laughed tiredly, hissing when he tugged on Keith’s knot before settling his weight back against Keith

“Nooo... no tickling”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it”

“I know... You’ve got a case of “Roman Hands” and “Russian Fingers””

The reference went straight over Keith’s head

“If you say so”

“I do...”

“Okay”

Lance sighed at him, Keith kissing his hair. He knew he had a lot to learn, but being this open only felt right because Lance had shown him he’d be there for him. Right now Lance just needed a little propping up, but soon the omega would be back to being his right hand man and his stability. What started as mess of jealousy and mutual lashing out, had grown slowly, piece by piece, and now it’d morphed into something completely new and breath taking. Far more breath taking than the stars above.

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 4 years ago

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13. Exposing the Void Pt. 1

A lot of this chapter is straight up Simon’s thoughts, so it gets jumbled and possibly confusing. Let me know if there’s parts where things are unclear (most likely in those times, we’re inside of Simon’s thoughts). Word Count: 5969. Trigger Warnings: Self harm, child death, child abuse, mental instability, mental abuse, dehumanization, betrayal, delusions, intrusive thoughts...

This chapter was actually the hardest for me to write in this story, thus far. And please keep in mind that in this space, there is no ableism allowed. So, refrain from using terms about psychosis or mental illness as insults towards the characters. The purpose is not to blame Simon’s actions on poor mental health or to excuse his behavior due to his trauma. The purpose is to understand a story in a world where mental illness is not necessarily the cause of why some people do evil things, but is sometimes a factor (not usually, as mentally ill people are generally more likely to hurt themselves than others), but yes, there are occasions where our psychosis can led to dangerous outbursts. Please don’t use the phrase “Go psycho” when referring to any variation of Simon Laurent, even this one. Thank you.

Simon was getting a tattoo. He’d already decided that much. He didn’t know of what, but he was convinced that he would think of something. It seemed healthier than self harm, at least… and a professional would mark him in this scenario.

He had a full course on his schedule, additional hours of extracurricular activities and work, plus interviews and maintaining his website. Plenty to do to keep his mind off of it - the void. His nostrils flared just thinking about it. Sometimes, he found himself checking social media for updates from a backup account. He had been blocked under his personal and professional ones. But, it wasn’t back. The last post was the same post that had been shared to each of them by its team.

“Hello, Apex Members. On behalf of The Internet’s Honey, Miss Grace Monroe, we would like to express the sincerest apologies for the negativity that has been spread and for the things that Miss Monroe stands accused of. She is seeking help at a secure location, and it is our hope that she will return to you soon, in all of her glory, fully restored, healthy and well.”

The comments were thousands of “Fuck Grace Monroe. She’s cancelled.” etc. He had been amused before, but the more comments that were added, the more numb he became to them. He was numb to many things… still somehow… it left its mark on him. He pulled up his sleeve and looked at his tallies… it left several. “Fuck Grace Monroe,” he whispered, shook his head and said in a louder, more confident tone, “Fuck the void.” A little mantra before his early AM classes.

Whenever he got home, though… He went through a range of emotions for a while. Everybody lies to me. Everybody leaves me… Even when nothing had anything to do with this thought process, if he wasn’t focused deeply on something else, there were the thoughts. Sometimes, even when he WAS working on something else. The thing about living alone and being at home was that he had a lot of time to get trapped in his harmful thoughts, and no Grace there to ease things. Not anymore.

It started with his mother. She was only going to be gone “for a little while.”

Simon wasn't confident in his abilities to watch himself AND a younger person. He was a cub scout and even a careful child, but he knew that Hope could be a handful, sometimes even for their parents. “I don’t think I can watch Hope, Mom.”

“Oh, of course you can, Simon!” She cheered. “It’s only for a little, short, while, and you’re my capable little man.”

Hope laughed and said, “He’s not a man. He’s Simon.”

“If Mom says I’m a man, then I am!”

Their mom clarified, “He’s a big boy who gets to be man of the house when Mommy and Daddy aren’t here. Mommy’s Little Man. You’ve got this, Si. Like I said, only a little while.” She tousled his hair and filled him with confidence that he had not had a few minutes prior… then she was gone for what felt like forever.

18 year old Simon knew that she had only been gone for 2 hours, but as a 10 year old watching a 4 year old who didn’t want to be watched by a “fake man,” it seemed like a lengthy stretch of time. With Hope doing things that she knew she shouldn’t, taunting him by telling him that he’s a fake man and that’s why he couldn’t stop her, and whenever she tried to go into the attic, that was the last straw. He had gotten really mad at her. She had been teasing him, calling him a fake man, a little baby, a small, small Simon… He didn’t mean to hurt her, but he was offended by her name calling. He was only going to drag her into her room and make her have a time out.

18 year old him knew that he was angry when he grabbed her by the back of her shirt, as hard as he could, upset with her, but also needing to get her off of the ladder and into her room. 10 year old him yanked her off of the ladder and flung her to the floor beneath them with rage. She let out a screaming laugh whenever she went flying down, but when she hit the floor… she became silent.

Simon shook his head. That wasn’t my fault. I was a child! The void had been right about that. “Who leaves a 10 year old home alone with a 4 year old?” He heard her voice ask, when they were kids. More than that - Who tells a boy that young that he is trusted with the life of a smaller child? That he’s “a man” because you need a little favor? Two. Hours!

He still didn’t know how long he had sat there trying to wake Hope up before their mother came back or where she was at that time, but wherever she was, he hoped she thought about it every single day that she tried to blame him. He hoped it ate away at her and corrupted her from the inside out until her health faded and her heart stopped. He didn’t always feel that way.

When he was 10, he blamed himself. He loved his mother. He wanted her back. He wanted to be her little man again, even though he failed her. He was still so young and confused, and nobody was helping him to understand it all. He couldn’t answer why he didn’t call 911. He was scared. He was crying. He... just didn’t think about it at the time. He hadn’t been prepared for an emergency.It was supposed to just be a little while! I was supposed to be the man of the house. Nothing bad was supposed to happen on my watch...

It continued with his father. So furious with his wife’s decision that he couldn’t stand to share the same breathing space with her most of the time. Unfortunately, that also meant not sharing it with Simon. He told Simon that he didn’t blame him. He lied. Some part of him had to, because otherwise, why would he have left him with the woman who had been so irresponsible that they already lost one child? Because… he died in his father’s eyes that night, too. The man was just too much of a coward to admit it. So, he just… left.

And Grace… He almost started crying, but shook his head and shook her it out of his mind. “Void,” he said and clenched his fists. Still… He missed her it. She It was the only thing that used to be able to get his mind off of his family, his pain, his guilt, his rage…

For so long, she it was the only thing. Now, he was left to just force himself to live through this. He was better off. It was going to stop his full potential. It had already stunted him so much. He spent years building a fortress for it and throwing himself in front of everything that came its way. Never again.

After they began officially dating, she was acting weird and he let it go. This was new for both of them and she was still trying to figure out her sexuality. He thought he was extremely understanding about her characteristics. As a matter of fact, up until the moment that he realized that she was a liar, he found no flaws in her at all. He loved all of her, perfect in every way and in the ways that she wasn’t, he never took notice. He just re-imaged those things as perfect, because they were things that were of Grace. Being a snobby, rich bitch - fine. Being lazy and irresponsible, sure. Being wishy-washy and confusing… he didn’t love that, but he accepted it and always assumed that maybe he was mistaken, or maybe she was the confused one in those moments. He never thought that she was deceiving him. Now, it was all that he could think about.

How many lies she must have told him over the years, how much of his childhood and adolescence was built upon those lies… He had to try to void everything that he had ever known her to be from his life, and from his mind.

“Do you not love me?”

“I do!”

Had he not been so blinded by his love, he would have known that she didn’t mean it. He would have heard it in her tone. He would have seen it in her eyes. “The void was just that good,” he told himself. “It tricked everyone. You watched it work for so long, you thought that you were exempt. It cares about nothing but itself.”

She seemed like she was withdrawing from him. He didn’t want to see it at the time, but he knew what that looked like. He couldn’t stop his mother from doing it. He couldn’t stop his father from doing it. He couldn’t even keep the pet cat around! How does one even run off an animal?

The point was… he saw Grace leaving. He saw her packing up. He saw her setting out. He did everything he could possibly think of to prevent it, even before she realized that she was leaving. But, when somebody wants to get away from you, they’ll do whatever you let them do to get away. She should have thanked him. He not only let her go, but he removed her completely. That’s what she wanted, anyway. She made that decision herself. “The void would have taken everything from you. Everything you worked for. Everything you’ve built. Everything you set in place to manage without the liars, the leavers, the lost ones…”

She first began slipping away from him before they became official. She started having problems with things that she didn’t have problems with previously… Honestly, she started the moment that she chose to leave him behind to tour for the summer when they were 15. The previous 5 years, she had plenty of times she could have went on the road. She either blew off her auditions or she didn’t push herself as hard. She had said that she could show off her skills on the Internet and have just as big of a following, if not a bigger one than if she built a resume of dance troupes and traveling ballet. She even forfeited the chance to be in a Broadway production, because she was worried that she’d never get to see him again. Then, when they were 15… It became more important to her than him.

He tried not to take it personally, because she had sacrificed plenty of opportunities for him before. But, it was a bad time for him, and a busy time and… he needed her. He always needed her back then. He had never been prepared to not have her. Sure, he could have went with her, like she wanted, but if HE put off his things, he didn’t have rich parents to fall back on. He didn’t have parents to fall back on, period. She… was in more of a position to give up her goals… but she had decided not to. That was fair. He told himself many times every day that was fair and she deserved to choose herself sometime. She came back changed… or maybe he changed without her there. That much doesn’t matter, right now. What matters is that he TRIED to fix them. She leaned more into these changes. These changes that could tear them apart. Changes that would leave him lonely again, for the first time in years.

Grace was working on her music career junior year. After the tour, she had connections that she didn’t want to go cold. She would throw herself into those and into creation while Simon was working on a future that he still hoped was for both of them. He was working his ass off for them, but in hindsight, she was working hers off for herself. After she was Simon’s girlfriend, at school, things felt different for her. Everybody treated her exactly the same way that they always had, but everything was just different.

Simon was either more social than she knew him to be, or had gotten that way overnight. Then again… He was in StuCo and held a position… so he had the social skills to at least win people over. She supposed that she hadn’t noticed because he was the one who she always had to talk out of a fight. He was more than that, of course, but… she guessed that she hadn’t realized how many friends he must’ve had, because he was doing a lot and having to leave her behind, most of the time.

Most times, he gave her a quick rundown of what type of stuff he had to do for the day, kissed her on the cheek, promised to see her later and rushed off. She chalked it up to the busy schedule that he had been speaking about for this year, at least a year in advance, and didn’t think much of it. At least, whenever they had space, she didn’t have to wonder what to do next. She didn’t have to decide if she should be sitting in his lap like his friend’s girlfriend, or in between his legs like that girl across the way, or straddling him like Shana sometimes did whoever she was dating, or… sit there, with her book, pretending not to see any of it and smiling at Simon whenever they made eye contact.

Simon was always studying her, surveying, making inventory of her expressions and potential emotions. She could feel him investigating and she didn’t know what to do with that. He didn’t know what to do with his findings… Why was she so uncomfortable when he looked at her? Why did she shy away from his gaze? What was wrong with her that she didn’t want his attention? She always wanted attention… it was basically her identity! Not only did she start to seemingly have problems with his attention, but also the rest of the world’s attention.

Being trapped in her room most of the time meant more work on her music. Anytime she posted something new, someone always showed up to remind others of how she "accosted an innocent woman on the train and threatened to ruin her life if she sought justice" and that she "is actually a terrible person." Sure, her fans defended her, but her focus was stuck on the negative feedback. Simon told her, “Don’t worry about those nulls. You’re Apex royalty. They’re scrubs.” He wasn’t remotely concerned about it.

Simon had asked himself if he had defended her to them, would things have been different between them… but the previous times he had defended her, she got mad at him! It took him days to get her back to normal, and even then, she seemed tepid. She was letting a bunch of strangers on the Internet doubt herself.

“She let a bunch of nulls weigh in on her confidence, then she got made at ME for agreeing with her parents that it was weak of her. It was! The Apex doesn’t care about the opinions of nulls!” He realized that he was speaking of the void like it was a person again. Personifying it. Humanizing it. That was sometimes difficult not to do. He would tap into his disappointment, hurt, and anger and he knew it was because of this rot that had spread in his life for years.

But, every now and then a glimmer of her smile, her smell, her softness would hit him in the heart and he would forget about it temporarily. For a few moments, she would be the love of his life again… “It doesn’t care about you. It never did. The void is a parasite. It would have poisoned everything, if you hadn’t cut the head off and incapacitated it.”

He glanced over at a mannequin head designed to look like it. It had given him the idea, inadvertently whenever it jokingly accused him of being a life size figurine of himself. Immediately, he thought - I’ve gotta make her one of those! It was a passion project, and of course, he didn’t have a lot of time to work on it, but the head was complete by the time it showed itself as the hollow it was.

Grace felt like she hadn’t smiled for real in a while. Nobody really noticed. The Apex didn’t know her that well. Simon didn’t have time for her. Her parents probably never cared. She went into town with her flock of girls, these days. She felt like Simon was sending them to be around her and she didn’t know if that was sweet or creepy. But, she ditched them at the mall to go to see him. He was at work that night, at the learning center. He had a job helping to tutor struggling kids - one that his credits as a student tutor at the Academy, his grades, his position as one of the students enrolled in the early college program, and a recommendation from Mr. Monroe got him hired at, despite the fact that most of the staff here were actual educators.

They didn’t even know about the fact that Simon had started a business of doing people's homework, projects, sometimes their tests from the time he was 11 until he was 15. He was definitely qualified for tutoring, but it was her father’s recommendation that really gave him the edge over actual teachers. He was satisfied enough there. He still did a project or two for the rich kids when he could squeeze something in, for extra cash. He was saving up to move out of his dad’s house. Now that his mother was at her mother’s, his dad was considering leaving the military and coming home. Simon didn’t want to be around for that, but there never seemed to be enough money for anything. That was his “adult” experience… Working all of the time, going to school, barely hanging on to his sanity, and yet being so broke that had his father not still been paying the bills, he knew he might be homeless and starving… so it was presumable that's how he might live once Mr. Laurent got back.

He couldn't ask the Monroes for more help. They had practically been taking care of him for the past two years. Mr. Monroe, at least, had been helpful in ways that Simon couldn’t describe. Sure, he believed he would have figured things out for himself , but thanks to the Monroes, he hadn't had to. He intended to pay them back eventually, but for now, he worked hard and loved Grace with everything else he had.

"Hey." He heard her say, walking in with a bag and a cup holder. His smile was wide and his eyes lit up. That made her reflexively smile back. How many of those smiles were fake, he’d have to wonder for as long as he couldn’t shake her out of his mind. “Ditched the girls to bring you dinner. Didn’t know if you’d have a chance to get to some on your own.”

He checked the time on his phone, “Actually, you’re right on time. I was about to go into the computer room and work on homework before I head out.”

“Yeah! Great timing is a thing that I definitely usually don’t have.”

They went into the breakroom to eat and Simon was on his phone, furrowing his eyebrows and blocking people in Grace’s comments. She glanced over and saw, then sank in her seat, not wanting to think about her latest post. “This sounds really good, Grace,” he told her. And he meant it. The vocal coach that she had began to see so that she could confidently transition into singing was paying off. It wasn’t that she sounded bad before, but her voice was pretty bland and she didn’t seem to be able to find her range on her own.

“I wish the audience thought that,” she said, with a sigh. The Internet was making her depressed and isolated. Every thing that she shared came with thousands of critics. As someone used to only either being complimented or ignored, criticism hurt a little more than she would have expected. Perhaps because she was too popular and therefore attracted more feedback than a person probably should have to be faced with at 16.

Regardless of that, Simon shrugged and said, “Anybody who doesn’t like it doesn’t have to listen to it. They’re there, so they obviously wanted to hear the song. Besides, I see way more support than hate.”

“Maybe so, but there’s a LOT of hate, and it’s very aggressive and hurtful. Like… I don’t understand why me trying out a new song and someone not liking it can’t just be scrolled by. Why did this girl have to tell me: Ugh. Everybody tries to be a singer. You’re a lip gloss model, Honey. Keep doing that. Beautiful gowns.”

“Because, she’s a bitch,” Simon said and took a bite of his sandwich. Grace let out an irritated sigh that caused him to look up from his phone. “What?”

“You just… don’t get it.”

“What don’t I get? The song sounds good. You have excellent equipment. You wrote pretty clever lyrics, did your own music, sang and was proud enough of your work to share it with the world. Now that a few birds have come squawking, you no longer see the greatness in what you shared? I know you wouldn't have posted it if you didn’t think it was perfect. So, I get it more than you do. You’re distracted by someone with a crooked wig on in her profile picture?”

Grace looked at the profile picture and saw that the woman’s wig definitely had been sadly placed onto her head. She laughed about it and laughed at herself a little too… but this was always Simon’s reaction to her venting about the people that made her feel bad. He’d basically make her feel a little bit worse by not acknowledging that her feelings were valid and by pointing out how insignificant her critics were. The simple fact that he had a point, that they were nulls, and she was letting them upset her only made her feel worse, which she couldn’t tell him because he didn’t seem to take her feeling bad that seriously anyway.

She knew it was because she had always prided herself on being strong and not caring what people thought about her… but she was handled a lot differently outside of her echo chamber. The Internet was global and her following was high, but some of the people who followed her seemed to do it just to see what to complain about, just to make a dent in her day. They succeeded, too. But, the only person she could admit it to just told her to suck it up.

“I’m thinking about going to a performing arts college,” she said. Simon dropped his phone and stared at her. She smiled awkwardly and said, “I mean… You’re preparing pretty hardcore for college and I’ve dived into this music thing. Maybe, I ought to be more serious about it and actually get the official credentials..”

“Where are you thinking of going?”

“I’m thinking of trying to go to Julliard.” He relaxed a little bit at that. Juilliard was in New York. That would be farther from him than he would like, but if he was at MIT, that would be about an hour away and if he was at Princeton… well… That would be 3 hours, or more… but… He had enough time to put these things into his planning and decision making. “Or… I might go uh, overseas.” Now, his frown was embedded in all of his features. “If I can’t get into the best one in the world, I’m going to shoot for the next best… that’s in Austria…” She bit her lip, waiting for his demeanor to change, hoping that he just had to think about it for a moment. His demeanor did change, but he seemed further away from what she wanted of him at the moment. “What brought this on?” He asked.

“Just… want to get more serious about my craft. Sure, I can spend hours and hours a day working on choreography and songs, training with some of the best professionals in the entire world, but people are still coming onto my dance video posts and saying things like, “I didn’t know that Grace Monroe could dance! I love her more now!” Didn’t know that I could dance? That’s like… the ONE THING that I can do with complete confidence! I’m trying to get my music career started when my first talent isn’t even recognized…”

“It IS recognized! It’s recognized ALL of the time. You’re just so focused on the dregs that don’t recognize, that you’re willing to go 4000 miles away from me, for years, to impress strangers on the Internet who probably STILL won’t fuck with you, because most of the people inciting you are people who just don’t like you, Grace!” He let out a chuckle of disbelief, but she hated it.

“Don’t laugh,” she said, very seriously.

“I’m not laughing,” he said, shook his head, then slumped back in his seat, resting his face in his palm as he tried to collect himself.

"How could you have possibly taken everything that I just told you about how I'm feeling and what I intend to try to do about that and just… make it about you?"

He uncovered his face to look at hers. She looked like she was going to cry. He hated when she cried. It was too far away from her normal… at least it used to be. She was crying more and more lately. Sometimes from the littlest things.

"If you can't see how much a decision like that will affect both of us, then I'm not sure if I currently am in the mood to explain it to you."

"Whenever I shared my thoughts about how much people were hurting my feelings, you didn't care about how that could affect the both of us. You just expected me to deal with it on my own. This is my idea for how I deal with that."

He leaned his elbows on the small table, steepled his fingers and rested his head against his hands. She wants to leave you. She’s using the excuse that people are hurting her feelings so that she can leave you and never come back. She never wanted you. She made that clear and you refused to see it. You thought that it was your brain being mean to you. She lied to you. She never loved you and she never wanted you. Now, she’s pretending that worthless people make her feel bad… She would rather look WEAK to you than to stay with you…

“Simon?” She said. He scoffed. Fake concern. Don’t let her trick you with her soft voice. She’s venomous. She let you love her because she was bored, and now, she’s trying to abandon you like everyone else. “Simon,” she said, more stern. Drown her out. Drown her out. Drown her out. Drown her… “Simon!” She had gotten up and turned his face to look at her with her palm. She made him look into her eyes and he was powerless again. “Where’d you go?” She asked, smiling nervously.

“Did I do something wrong? Why do you want to leave me?” He asked, in a small voice. Maybe his brain was being mean right now. Maybe… it was all a misunderstanding? PLEASE, JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME AND THAT I’M OVERREACTING! I. WILL. BELIEVE. YOU.

“No. I did. I thought that I was ready to introduce myself to the world and now that the world knows me, there’s people out there who can’t stand me and I just… I don’t know how to do with that. In real life, they at least pretend to like me, you know?”

She rubbed her hands together anxiously. Lies. She can’t possibly care about the way these strangers feel. She’s Grace Monroe. She knows that she’s invincible. Caring about the movements of ants is futile… “Okay… What do you need me to do to fix it?” He asked, trying to ignore his brain’s warnings.

“Just, support me? I just want to take a step back from all the Internet music, maybe keep creating and try to get into a studio with something I’m proud of, instead of posting onto my websites, and… I really want to try to go to school, just to be more confident that I really do belong in the industry and that I’m not just Internet famous because I was a pretty face with the best organic lip gloss.”

“Support you… leaving me,” he said.

She couldn’t pick up any emotion. It was like something had settled in his mind. Something that he didn’t let her know. “It would be temporary, Simon. Just like whenever you thought you would have to go to the military after graduation.”

“I recall very minimal support from you in regards to that.”

“Yeah, well… I stick by what I said. Our military is a global terrorist, oppressing and destroying civilization in mostly Brown nations. Juilliard is hardly like that, and I most likely will get in! I don’t think I'll HAVE to go to Austria. I wanted to be clear that it’s an option. I just meant the time that we’ll be apart. Plus, I’d send for you if you ever need to see me.” She knelt beside him, cupped his face and kissed him on the lips. He froze in place. She NEVER kisses you on the lips. She always moves her face to make you kiss her on the cheek, or the nose, or… something. She’s placed her hand between your mouths, before! You can’t ignore this any further. It’ll break your heart. You’ve lost her. There’s a void where your Grace once was… Tears fell down Simon’s cheeks as he stared at Grace’s confused face.

She wiped them away with her thumbs and as his tears were being cleared away, so was her face. He just saw a blurry form in front of him, a dark shadow, with an aura of smoke. He looked terrified. She turned to look behind her, alarmed by his reaction, thinking something was hovering over her. She definitely felt a switch of things in the atmosphere. She didn’t see anything though. Simon did.

A void. It stood in front of him, speaking with Grace’s voice and trying to pass itself off as the girl he’d loved for as long as he knew her. That girl was obviously gone. No longer fit for him. No longer fit for the Apex. “Okay.” He said, suddenly fine, as far as she could tell. “I’ll support you.” She offered him a small, confused smile, but he didn’t return it. He didn’t even look at her again. He collected their trash, threw it out and took her hand, “I’ll get you home.

Simon was silent the entire way to the Monroe’s estate. He didn’t get out to get her door, or walk her to the mansion, or talk with her father, so she knew that even though he said he was okay with her decision, that he wasn’t. It was best to just give him his space to work it out, she thought. She thought wrong... Simon tensed up whenever she kissed him on the cheek goodnight. As soon as she got out of the car, he peeled away, vigorously wiping the Apex red lip print from his face. She didn’t deserve to grant anybody that mark anymore.

He drove with trembling hands and lips, talking to himself, arguing with himself about Grace. Grace that once hunted down his bullies with him because she thought he was the most important person in the world. Grace who had threatened anyone who so much as said something rude to him in passing. Grace... who used to want to be near him, and have his back. The Grace that couldn’t stand the thought of being anywhere without him at her side... She was as dead to him as Hope was.

Speaking of... This had began right around the time that she brought him to the cemetery. Was it related? Had Hope somehow reached over and taken her vengeance on him by stealing away his Grace and replacing her with this dark spirit? This ghost? This VOID??? He pulled into the garage of his house, crying again. He left his backpack in the car. He wasn’t going to be doing anymore work that night. He passed the shrine that his father had in the workspace every time he pulled in, but usually, he avoided looking at it. Tonight, he paused and stared at her face. He... had forgotten it. He looked at the photos, wondering if she always looked that way? Not the angel that he remembered dying, but something sinister, smiling joyously at him as he shriveled in pain. “Did you do this?” He asked her. He could hear her laughs in his mind from that night. Her taunting him, making him feel like he wasn’t enough. “I didn’t mean it, Hope! It was an accident!” he yelled at the photos.

“Fake man! Fake man! Wook at the widdle baby man! Can’t catch me! You’re not a man! Mommy lied! Mommy lied!”

“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to. I didn’t... Please, just... stop.” He whispered, crying more than he had in a long time. Her photos began to move, to cackle, to point at him and call him a baby man... He roared and punched the display, breaking the glass of the frame, which fell on it’s face, bounced off of the desk and crashed to the floor. Now, it was covered in blood. Only a bit of it was from his fist... the rest seemed to be seeping from the cracks in the frame. Like... he had killed Hope, all over again. He picked up a shard of the glass and clenched it in his fist. This was too much. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. This was his mind messing with him, He needed to center himself.

He raised his sleeve and looked at all of the tally marks that he had made for his Grace and he began to add on to them. “1 You are stronger than anybody you know. 2 You are smarter than anybody you know. 3 You can survive losing Grace. 4 Only you can get rid of the void that swallowed her whole. 5 You owe the Apex to get rid of the void. 6 You can do anything. 7 There’s nobody who could stop you. 8 You’re on your own now, but that’s for the best. 9 No one will hold you back. 10 No one can hurt you again, because everyone you loved is gone...” He took a deep breath, looked at the broken frame and threw his piece of glass on top of it. He didn’t even care about cleaning it up. The girl in the photo couldn’t hurt him anymore. And neither could the one in his memories... The one that he used to call Grace, “The void,” he said, going into the house.

#If They Didn't Get on the Train #AU Infinity Train #Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #Infinity Train Fanfiction #fics

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

Text

Survey #410

“oh baby, baby, does she take a piece of lime for the drink that i’ma buy her, do you know just what she likes?

Do you put candy canes on your Christmas tree? Ye. Have you ever written/drawn/painted random stuff on your bedroom wall? No. What do you currently hear? A slowed w/ reverb version of "If U Seek Amy" by Britney Spears. Yes, I have a serious thing for these edits of childhood songs, ha ha. Actually, no shame, I still love Britney lmao. What's your favorite flavor of Doritos? Cool Ranch. Do you like bagels? Yep. Do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids? I ain't having any of those, so I don't have to worry about that. Have you ever seen a hippo in person? At a zoo, yes. Are you any good at HTML? Noooo. When was the last time you did something you knew was wrong? Recently, because I'm awful about downloading things illegally. What was the last thing you downloaded on your computer? A picture. Do you ever cry just to get your way? Hi, I'm 25. I at least have SOME adult traits. Have you ever been to any professional sports games? Yes. What's the most boring sport to watch? The only sport I enjoy watching is dance, so. I think golf has to take the cake for the absolute worst, though. Do you like lip rings on the opposite sex? UGH I just love lip rings on anybody. Do you have good or bad vision? Literally awful. Have you ever parked in a handicapped spot when you weren't supposed to? Hell no. That is so fucking inconsiderate and lazy. Have you ever been to a different country? No. When was the last time you finger-painted? Nooo idea. Probably not since I was a little kid. Do you say car-mel or car-A-mel? "Care-uh-mel." When you get out of the shower, do you use one or two towels? One. Are you uncomfortable with changing clothes in front of others? Absolutely yes. Hell, I don't think I ever really changed in front of Jason back in the day, so that says something about how self-conscious I was with a FIT body. Never mind this catastrophe I own now. Which is worse: Runny nose or stuffy nose? Both suck, but stuffy drives me absolutely INSANE. Who's been the most influential person in your life? My mom. Do you have any tan lines? Ha, yeah, no. How many different schools have you gone to? Six. Do you know how to slow dance? I mean, yes? It's not complicated. Have you ever taken The Impossible Quiz? (If not, you should Google it. :D) No, and I'll never waste my time doing that shit. I've watched people play and beat it, but it seems like such frustrating, pointless madness with zero rhyme or reason behind it. Has someone that you liked told you that you are a waste of their time? No. Who is the last person you were in a car with? Mom. In the next 6 months, what are you looking forward to most? Ummmm Christmas, maybe? That's always exciting. Is there anyone who hates you? Probably. Who were you with the last time you went out for food? Mom. If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care? Eh... I guess if it was for medicinal purposes, I would be okay with it. I'm not keen on dating a smoker of anything. Do you want to start over with anyone? Just Jason, at least sometimes. It'd be really, really nice if we could be friends again and just forget about who we were all those years ago, but I genuinely doubt my ability to be "just friends" with him. Even though I haven't spoken to this dude in over FOUR YEARS, and I'm sure he's changed a lot, just like I have. We might not even be compatible anymore. As much as I may want it, I think it's probably for the better we remain unassociated. Do you eat the crust of your sandwiches? It's what I eat first. Are you completely over your last relationship? Not "completely," no. I still love her, but I'm in a headspace of accepting that now is not the right time with unfit conditions. What hoodie did you wear last? My Pikachu one, which is the one I pretty much always wear. Do you listen to Incubus? Probably surprisingly, no. I don't know if I've even heard a song. Do you wear flip-flops during the winter? More like always. Do you like the smell of Axe? If you don't use an obnoxious amount, yeah. What do you think of feminists? Absolutely necessary as pilots for change. HOWEVER, I do believe some can take the concept waaaay too far. Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? Dad, probably. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Oh my god, GUYS. It was my niece's birthday last month, and she did the CUTEST shit. She used to be very, very opposed to getting even slightly dirty (I mean like a speck of dirt on her would make her cry), and this kid decided to just C H O M P into her cupcake and get the frosting ALL over her face. She had two and got so messy, and that angel was just laughing hysterically about it. That girl is such a damn gift. Safe to say she was bouncing off the walls that night. Did you hug one of your parents today? No. Do you tan in the nude? I don't tan, period. Have you ever put a lot of thought and effort into a gift for somebody, only for them to act like it didn’t really matter to them? Oh god, no. That would really, really hurt, because I genuinely do try to be very thoughtful with my gifts. Do you follow the ‘five second rule’ when you drop food on the ground? NOOOOOOO. It's just a bullshit myth. I am NOT eating food that's been on the floor for a millisecond. If you had to describe yourself using a colour, which colour would you be? Maybe like... navy blue? Kinda dark and somber, but also has a calmness to it. Have you ever had to use another person’s toothbrush before? What were the circumstances? I WOULD FUCKING NEVER. Omg that is so gross. Have you ever crashed a car? No. Do you have a garden? Does it have flowers, vegetables, or both? No. Where do you want to raise your kids? I don't want kids, but if I did, absolutely surrounded by nature and animals. Have you ever been to Cracker Barrel? Yeah, I love it there. Damn, now I want some, lol. Have you ever seen a ghost? I sure as fuck saw something. As soon as you find out you are pregnant, who will you first tell? Who says I'm ever going to BE pregnant? 'Cuz it sure isn't in my plans. But hypothetically, the dad. Have you ever won a game of Minesweeper? Like ever? I've never played it. Who is your best guy friend(s)? Girt. I really should chat with him soon, it's been too long. If you had a tiny scar on your face, would you get it removed or just keep it? I'd keep it. Make me look more badass. ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ What is your hair naturally like? Brown and kinda-sorta wavy. Have you ever stared at a stranger and they said something to you about it? No; I don't stare at people. Is your father very protective of you? I wouldn't say "very protective," no. What would you do if your hero died? ffffffUCK THIS QUESTION HOW ABOUT NO HE'S NOT ALLOWED THAT'S VERY ILLEGAL Where was your first date at with your current lover? I don't have one currently. Are you friendly in the morning, or are you barely awake? Depends on how much sleep I got, but I'm generally in my best mood in the morning. Did your parents force you to go to church? Mom did. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? It was the next book in the series I'm reading, Wings of Fire. When was the last time you went somewhere for the first time? Hm. I dunno. Hypothetically and generally speaking, how would you go about breaking up with someone? Is there anything you would make sure to say, or perhaps not say? I mean it would really depend on WHY I was breaking up with them, but I guess in most situations I'd try to meet them face-to-face and explain why I wanted to cut things off. I think it'd be important for them to hear my tone of voice, and I think physically meeting somewhere would show that I care enough for them to cut time out of my day to see them and try to hurt them as least as possible, given the situation. What do you find particularly offensive? Would you say you’re easy or difficult to offend? DO NOT in even a minor way ridicule mental illness or belittle victims as "weak" or pull the "it's just in their head" bullshit. The misuse of the term "retard(ed)" also genuinely offends me. I wouldn't say I'm easy to offend, either. What was the last chore you completed? Changing my cat's litter. When was the last time someone saw you naked? It's been a loooong time, and it would've only been my mom when I was like, going into a shower or something. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? Probably Steve Irwin. I'd go on and on about how his family has carried his legacy so brilliantly, and show him aaaaaall the public pictures of Bindi and Grace, especially. God, that man would be so proud of them all. What is the greatest lost you’ve endured? My first "real" boyfriend. How would you describe your current mood? A mix of tired and anxious. I don't feel like going to bed yet, and the storm we've got passing through has me nervous about tornadoes 'n shit. Do you ever drink or get high alone? I've had some light drinks alone. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? I've never done any illicit drugs, and I don't want to. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? Probably that I've had a pilonidal cyst. It's awkward to explain, but I'll share it anyway if there's a good reason to/I'm asked or something. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? Her just being the most toxic, drama-filled person with the biggest victim complex of any human I've ever met. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? Mom, and my voice was raised. Where do you like to be kissed? This depends on how serious we are. Can go from just the cheek to a lot of places. Which season is your least favorite and why? Summer, because it's too goddamn hot and humid. Who, if anyone, do you compare yourself to most? Probably my little sister. She's on such a successful path, and then there's like... me lmao. Do you have a night-light in your bedroom? If so, what does it look like? No. What is your favorite breakfast food? How often do you get to eat it? Cinnamon rollssssss. I have 'em very rarely, though. I'll eat too many of them, which I definitely don't need. What is your favorite thing about autumn? What about your least favorite thing? AHHHHHH EVERYTHING. I love Halloween and the decorations that come with it, the changing leaves, the crisp air... just all of it. :') Who was the last person you asked for help? Mom, I'm sure.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''if u seek amy'' by britney spears

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and-the-world-is-quiet-here · 4 years ago

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Live 2020 debate commentary from a salty, disabled, and VERY pissed gen Z

Yall he just said he’s immune

My dad just left the room

Bitch are u saying Johnson and Johnson is going to make the vaccine?

sir that’s the diaper company…..smh

Biden just said its going to be a dark winter

#winter is coming

“virus.....that came from china” -trump 2020

“were learning to live with it”-trump 2020

apparently “Biden lives in his basement”-your president 2020

totally accurate.....obviously

ohhhh biden just said were learning to die with it

trump interrupted biden

Mam I thought you said you were muting them?

biden laugh count at 3

he all about the once percent till its the dead ones

trump interrupting at 3...nvm its now 4

this debate is making my dog sad

interrupting now at 5 for trump

trump saying his young sons illness just “went away”

bitch he’s may age and no it did not just “go away”

he was in quarantine for two weeks

apparently nyc is a ghost town

its not a ghost town trump I live right next to it

loudest neighbors ever

trump don’t call him Anthony

his name is DOCTOR Fauci

treat him with the respect he deserves

Biden looks so sad

nvm he legit looks like the joker right now

HALFWAY MARKKK

why is this at 9?

sir its a school night

I need time to scroll through my feed for hours before collapsing

Biden don’t use the word sovereignty

trump doesn't know what it means

thats discrimination against trumps

ohhh hes attacking hunter (biden) again

so he has a wee drug problem?

at this point everyone got one!

your the one making lewd comments about your infant daughter on national tv

(look it up he talks about his 6 month old daughters legs but and breasts)

get him big b!!

h876689908776- my dog 2020

he wants to express his disappointment

the light boxs is stealing his mother attention

ohh hes being rude to the moderator again

u a strong independent Indian woman get him girll!

mute his mike

prty plz

I am dissapionted in you

he’s saying he’s not allowed to release his taxs

(that is a proven lie)

“i was put through a phony witch hunt”- you'll never guess 2020

hes going after his BROTHER now

how is this allowed?

who decided trumps strategy would be to accuse his opponent of his own crimes?

look at the insults guys its a crystal ball

stay ahead of the scandal's

WILL YOU LEAVE HIS SON ALONE PLEASE

THESE ARE HIS CHILDREN LEAVE THEM ALONE

“i was a business man doing business”-trump 2020

no sir you were another rich white guy taking advantage of tax brakes and cheap foreign labor in asia

#american jobs as long as i don’t have to pay minimum wage

#you know like a DECENT FUCKING PERSON

Trump interrupted again

I lost count a while ago

Biden is staring into my soul

oh Biden just played the middle class childhood card

I haven't heard a single mute so far?

trump just said his bromance with kim jung un saved america from nuclear war

dont through my boy Obama under the bus

and another interruption

my big bro just screamed “MUTE BUTTON MUTE BUTTON MUTE BUTTON”

honestly same

10 more min guys

hang in there

OHHH trump just got MUTEDDDDDD

Biden is now on legitimate policy

ahhh hes proud of his plan

annd trump just interrupted

trump just kissed up to the moderator

trump just said biden’s more liberal than bernie

ohhh

biden just said trump dosent know who hes running against

hes like “this is joe biden”

like I know bro but slick burn anyway

ohhh they muted trump again!!!!

perfect opportunity to mute missed

trump just blamed healthcare issues on nancy peloski

biden says the the republicans wont pass it

(btw hes actualy right)

2 mins left

and trump is speaking through it

1 min left

omg what a waste of air

I really want him to test his “immunity”

preferably during a harsh winter

ITS TEN GUYSSS

there running over

they still haven't covered immigration

shit

I have just learned there is 30 min left

I think I would rather kill myself than watch the rest of this

I’m seriously have a sensory overload right now

I’m doing this for u

“children are brought here by coyotes”-presedentail cown 2020

what a wack ass sentence

hes like ohIi haven't been putting kids in cages

and then just went but I didn't build them they were built in 2014

(contradiction much)

“who built the cages”

yes it was Obama but guess what

THEY WERNT BUILT FOR KIDS

there ment to house animals, evidence, and adult prisoners in emergency situations

THEY WERNT MENT FOR 3 YEAR OLDS

Biden was just like “well no actually kids come with PARENTS”

(kids hardly ever come over with out parents)

and then he was like and also WHO LOST TRACK OF OVER 1,000 PARENTS

(thats 500+ new orphans at the least)

hes saying only the illegal immigrants with the lowest IQs come back after being deported

we said the same thing in december about you but ya’know

my mum was like “anyone eating chocolate” and I was like “im snaking on this ignorance” and she was like “dont do that you'll get indigestion”

“no one has done more for the black community then Donald trump except for maybe Abraham Lincoln”

oh yeah Biden just brought up how trump publicly campaigned for the execution of the central park 5

WHO WERE CHILDREN

AND OH YEAH THEY WERE COMPLETELY INNOCENT

trump just yelled at Biden, got muted, and just yelled louder

trump just said he cant see the audience but hes the least racist person in the room

“Abraham lincoln here is one of the most racist presidents in american history”- biden 2020

biden just went “oh god”

he just said that he used to not support the blm movement because they chanted rude things about police officers

I would like to reiterate that “pigs in a blanket” has never been chanted in a protest or been a prominent statement in the blm movement nor “fry em like bacon” so what trump is saying is factually incorrect

unless hes on some sort of far right conservative twitter feed were he came across a video of some drunk white college kids chanting it

but you know what ever fits you narrative

plus I would be pretty pissed if I kept getting shot at for no reason so....

Biden making more logical decisions

trump was like why have you never done all this stuff when you were vice president

“we had a republican congress” -biden 2020

we have the cleanest air

we have the cleanest crystal clear water

sir, i know you've been to mexico

don’t lie

the waters gorges down there

and not owned by your smug ass

trump just called china filthy

so you know....

*whispers* racism

ok 5 min left

for real this time

trump just went “aoc plus 3: and then hes like she knows nothing about the climate

ummm.... you dont even believe in climate change

bidens like “are....is...is is”

good for you

correcting your grammar

trump just said “the wind kills all the birds” out of the godamn blue

(he means wind mills and its untrue)

“Whats the next question baba”

“the final question is leadership which he doesnt have”- baba 2020

I feel bad for anybody watching this on the toilet

bidens starring into your soul

he knows what your doing

there officially overtime

its 10 33

they haven't even done the last section yet

btw ITS A SCHOOL NIGHT

why do they host these so late

I should be pretending to be asleep right now

this is generational discrimination

plus trumps supporters are so old there asleep by now

ohhhh its over

1036 final time

okay so thoughts....I generally dont like the party system i think its ridiculous the system was not designed for it, and its now more about loyalty then the actual candidates. I also am really hesitant to put another strait white male in the oval office, especially one thats from “the lucky few” I.E. the smallest voting generation in the country and also the one that already holds the most positions. That being said, at this point its really anyone but trump and I think bidens got the experience to turn things around.

I AM IN SCHOOL I CANNOT VOTE. I am relying on all my older friends, followers, neighbors, and community members. To make an educated decision that wont further degrade the once hopeful future my generation awaits. Please if you can vote VOTE the kids are relying on you!

P.S. sorry i wasn't able to edit this earlier i struggle alot with spelling and didnt have the time to edit this because I HAD TO GO TO BED AND THEN GO TO SCHOOL. Why am I more politically active then people twice my age you might ask? Well, thats because adults are lazy and need to get of their gd asses and VOTE. So kids dont have to do the legwork for them.

I have said my peace now, have a wonderful day!

#2020 #election #covid #trump #biden #debate #byedon #flyden 2020

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doctorgerth · 5 years ago

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Matchup for @beastofflevance

Hi there, I'm really interested, whom you see fitting: 31,female,straight, 1,70m but chubby. I'm more the listener than the talker, introverted, submissive, daydreamer a bit chaotic and loyal but also stubborn, hate to show weakness, don't talk about emotions and very unforgiving if wronged. Need someone to kick my ass. I'm not very trusting but cherish those who are dear to me. Towards them, I'm caring,supportive and humorous. I like cryptozoology, chickens and find lava hypnotically calming. Here comes the more in-dept description I mentioned, hope it makes things a bit easier for you. English isn't my native tongue so I hope there aren't too many dramatic mistakes in here. As stated before, I'm female 31 and about 1,70m, chubby – therefore the nick Quaily. Zodiacs are Gemini and Dragon and personality is INFJ. I prefer cold temperatures but love to watch fires/lava and prefer Night over day. I'm not the healthiest of persons suffering from mental and physical illnesses but I refuse to let people openly know about it if it is not absolutely necessary – I don't want pampering or pity. I'm introvert, polite, calm, a very good listener and caretaker. I'm very submissive and insecure around most people and can't deal well with mistakes. I tend to rip myself apart mentally about it because either I KNEW better but did it wrong anyway OR because I let someone down. That is something I can't take well: disappointing people. I CAN be attentive but loose interest in stuff pretty fast if it bores me or make me bend myself too much but if it is something really interests me, I'm easily able to give 200% for it. Still, I'm a lazy mutt that needs to get her ass kicked most of the time but in general I am easy to work with if I have someone, who can motivate me and keeps me motivated. I'm a loner, making bad experiences with people in my early childhood, it let me stay away from friendships and social contacts till today. I don't have a big need for physical contact since emotional support and reliability is more important to me – too much physical contact makes me uneasy. Another huge problem is my very high need for freedom. I can't stand it if someone is constantly around me, it stresses me extreme. I hardly fully trust people: just because I say I trust someone, doesn't mean I don't expect a betrayal at some point. That also resulted in a rather dark-ish , morbid view of things; let me also have a point of view, that collides with most people. Still, I tend to think in the motto: “live and let live” as long someone is polite and friendly, I'll stay so as well. Yet, I'm stubborn and very unforgiving if wronged, betrayed or mistreated. What I also can't deal with are honest compliments and honest kindness. People that mean something to me can be counted on one hand with digits to spare. Those few mean everything to me and I support them wherever and with whatever I can. I even empathize with them on a level, that makes me change my mood according to theirs. I might not be able to stand up for myself but for them I can and I will so fiercely. That said, my temper sometimes get a bit too lose – especially when my emotion starts to go high wire - and I say things before my mind starts working but I mostly see my mistake (after a bit of cooling down). If someone is willing to talk to me after that and be forgiving – friend won! In my free time; I love to read (thriller, horror, fantasy, science mostly), draw (creature design, model painting), listen to music, relax, spending time with my animals or just going for a walk. My interests are cryptozoology, toxicology, genetics, quails and military aircraft. I really love the sound of thunderstorms, rain and the look/movement of lava. I tend to hold monologues when alone and cluck like a chicken when totally happy. Yes.. well … I tried to keep it helpful without giving you all the psychological disaster. I left stuff out, that wouldn't be helpful like favorite movies / shows, books etc. but in One Piece, I would be a total fan of the “Sora, Warrior of the sea” - saga. I hope it helped a bit and you can still work with me. Take care of you and thank you for doing this event.

Okay, I’ll admit I was probably a little swayed by your love for this character but I think I did a pretty good job of backing it up! This is my first time ever writing for this character, so I hope I was able to capture his romantic side ok....That being said, I hope you enjoy your matches, darling. Thanks for participating in this event! x (this post is acting funky on mobile...I’m hoping for no errors when I post, plz let me know if there is!)

Your match is...

Akainu (Leo, ESTJ)

This is more of a case of opposites attract because when it comes down to it, you two function and think in totally opposite ways. But! Once you two get past this, you two offer each other unique perspectives that helps you both individually grow as people and thus can improve your relationship. There are plenty of differences that arrive throughout your relationship, but the more you two get to know each other, you’ll start to notice you two have more in common than what meets the eye! You are the only person who gets under his skin in all the best ways, and from falling in love with you, he’s willing to put in the work to make your relationship sustainable because he wants to keep you around. He might not ever express it, but Akainu does want love in his life; someone he can settle down with and maybe have kids if they are willing. And he’s placing all his bets on you!

Your kind and compassionate nature is a good compliment to his usually gruff and dogmatic persona. And honestly, Akainu could use someone more gentle to counteract his abrasive nature. It always catches him a bit off guard, just how adoring, caring, and loyal you can be towards him, but deep down he is ever thankful. Akainu can be pretty stubborn much like yourself, but when it comes down to it, you two can easily compromise and meet halfway when it comes to disagreements. Because you both want to make this work. On the outside, you two look a bit tense and perhaps a little uninterested in each other. This is only because the both of you are not very expressive with your emotions and refuse to show vulnerability when around others. However, your dynamic totally changes when you two are alone, especially as the relationship continues on and you two learn to trust one another. Perhaps that’s what brings you two together so well. You two are both distrusting due to past traumas and because of this you two feel a bit outcasted from everyone around you. Upon your first interaction, you both just instantly knew that you shared similar pains. This makes Akainu very protective over you and honestly a bit soft for you whether he likes to admit it or not. He sees a lot of his broken self within you and he wants to do everything to prevent you from turning out as bitter as him, especially because he sees how loving you can be once you let someone in.

When in private, he embraces your softer sides because it relaxes him so much. He respects and understands that you’re not one for physical affection and on the flip side, he himself struggles with offering you emotional support, so I think Akainu resorts to taking care of you in more of an “acts of service” kind of way. He’s not very interested in being overly cuddly with you, but he won’t lie and say he does enjoy holding you in his arms after a long, stressful day of work. You two learn each other’s limits and love languages and your romantic expressions become much easier. You two are able to thrive in a shared household because you both crave organization and order in your lives, so hey, at least you know you can live with the guy! By wanting some one to “kick your ass” I’m assuming you mean someone to call you out on your bullshit and put you in your place when needed -- Akainu is plenty capable of that. Not only this, but he constantly supports you and drives you into being your best self that you can possibly be. Akainu doesn’t settle for half-assery, especially from someone he’s in love with, so he is constantly on you about doing more. This is just his way of motivating you and if it becomes a bit overwhelming, he will learn how to turn it down a notch. He’s just witnessed your powerful moments and how strong-willed you can be, so he doesn’t enjoy seeing you weak or insecure because he is confident you are better than that.

Overall, the both of you are quite distrusting and unemotional at first, but once you let each other in, you both are fearlessly devoted to one another and that matters way more than physical affection. You two come together over your shared pain and flourish as a couple over your differing perspectives of love, life, and happiness!

Other potential suitors:

Fujitora (Leo, INFJ) - On the opposite end, I think Fujitora would work well for you because he makes it easy for you to trust him and fall in love with him. He is ever patient with your hesitancy to trust someone and he will do what it takes to prove his loyalty to you, have you trust him wholeheartedly, and make you not regret it! He is also a totally soft man who will unlock your more tender sides and have you completely head over heels in love. Not to mention you two get along very well because you’re both INFJs who think and function on very similar levels. You two have a very deep, emotional connection and he is more than willing to offer you the emotional support you seek in a relationship!

Marco (Libra, ISFJ) - Marco enjoys the reward that comes with winning you over. He’s seen how loving you can be towards others you trust and he wants to be the person you rely on. Much like Fuji, he’s eager to prove that you can trust him and wants to show you that it doesn’t always have to be scary to fall in love with someone. He falls madly in love with you every time you show him your vulnerable side and goes above and beyond to make sure you are always comfortable around him. Your shared introverted nature is a blessing because he never pushes you outside of your comfort zone. Your relationship with Marco is built on lots of trust, vulnerability, and comfort in one another! Marco wouldn’t dare try to disrupt your normalcy or ask you to change for him, he just wants to unlock your soft sides that you keep hidden!

Lucci (Gemini, ISTJ) - More similar to Akainu, Lucci shares your disinterest for physical affection, discussions on emotions, and being vulnerable towards people. So he appreciates that you don’t expect him to be emotional or romantic around you. You two have to fight for trust in one another but once you let each other in, it is truly rewarding as you are intensely loyal to each other alone and can finally embrace what it means to be in love with someone. You two share similar functions and interests while also bringing enough differences to the table to keep your relationship interesting. Lucci is also similar with Akainu in that he doesn’t accept less than the best from you so he will push you and motivate you consistently.

#doctorgerth #one piece #one piece matchup #op matchup #matchup #1000 follower event #matchup event #follower event #beastofflevance

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manypersons · 4 years ago

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Things I’ve Always Wanted to Do

So in 2019, it started up a list of “Things I’ve Always Wanted to Do” and I think it really reflects who I am as a person. “Notes” are there to provide an update I guess. I hope you enjoy.

Explore an abandoned shopping mall

Expand my library substantially

Cliff dive

Learn to play piano professionally

Make a piece of art I can be proud of

Sing my heart out

Live in a small house

Read by the light of a fire

Smell incense often

Sharpen all my pencils to perfection

Spend and entire day writing (note: have done this)

Tour Europe

Get all the German shepherds I want

Collect clocks

Bake something spontaneous but delicious

Wear nerdy/dorky t-shirts daily (note: has been achieved)

Watch musicals

Buy those books from my childhood that I miss

Complete a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle in one day

Grow a garden

Live in Washington

Paint a sunrise

Collect cute mugs to drink hot chocolate from

Sleep with a cat in my bed (note: it’s been years :(...)

Paint a random piece of furniture for fun

Watch and finish a TV show in one sitting

Bake and eat two dozen cookies by myself

Gel pens, a whole of gel pens

Get a Harry Potter costume and not just for Halloween (note: you’ll love my costume this year

Go to Comicon, at least once

Watch all my favorite bands live

Publish a book (note: I’m working on it Mom!)

Find love (note:....still nothing)

Live with someone interesting for a month

Videogame binge

Rewrite old stories I wrote when I was younger (note: actually....that’s the novel I’m working on right now....I did it ya’ll)

Try new and exotic food

Separate trash and recycling, even for a short time

Volunteer (or take a job) at a zoo

Give a speech in a public setting (note: I usually give to a room of about ten people)

STUFFED ANIMALS WILL ALWAYS BE COOL

Make lasagna from scratch

Random DIY

Learn to make Italian Delight from memory

Finish something I’d left undone for a while

Splurge on hardcover books

Get a job I’m happy to wake up every morning for

Spend the day in a retirement home for no reason

Speak my mind (note: trust me I do)

Eat a block of cheese like it’s an apple, there’s no law against it

Fake an illness to get out of doing something

SHOUT. Just SCREAM to the world.

Meet somebody different

Watch movies, a whole lot of them

Not be afraid to write in sharpie (note: this was ironic because the list itself was written in sharpie)

Hike to nowhere in particular

Make quirky jewelry I’ll never wear

Stay in bed, it’s okay to be lazy

Get along without electricity for a week

Appreciate the little things

Rescue an animal (any animal, anyway)

Scented pine cones

Live in an attic

Sit on a roof

Buy people presents for seemingly no reason

Roadtrip, but we don't want to murder each other at the end

Sing LOUDLY to the radio

Buy a tub of icing just to eat it

write somthing really tiny

THEN WRITE IT BIG!

Be like Cheyenne

Dye my hair

Have a good time with someone

Be in a parade (note: I actually have plans to be in a parade tomorrow, I'll update you all)

Move furniture randomly

Let an elderly person teach me a lesson

Prank somebody (but don't hurt them)

Learn to write in different fonts

Spend the day in a bookstore, but not but anything

Know that it's okay to be broke and to struggle

Walk someplace instead of drive

Travel to the Galapagos

Pet a wolf (note: I've since done this, I'll save the story, because it's wild..........I just wrote it, here's the post: https://manypersons.tumblr.com/post/633529760164839424/i-just-remembered-that-i-promised-yall-the-story)

Have mismatched dishes, but a neat set of silverware

Buy crisp new jeans

Visit all 50 states (note: so far I've only got 11)

Learn new languages (note: got a 5 on my AP Spanish test last year and my biliteracy seal, but I would not say I'm fluent)

Fill a wall with a map of the world, preferably hand paintedwith

Make my own

Grow my nails out really long

Write a poem (note: I've done this, I guess?)

Try to learn to carve wood

Visit the set for Twilight before it's torn down

Spend the night under the stars

A big black truck

Order that cool thing I saw on tv

Get a meaningful tattoo

Write my own song

Make a friend that is just as it even weirder than me

Forget the rules, even if it's just for a short while

Revisit all those places I remember

Crosstitch something amazing

Always smell like lavender

Make a piece of art using glitter

Be forever frustrated because that glitter won't come out of my carpet

Throw a party and invite no one

Make flashcards for something not school related

Get better at using pastels

Live in Alaska

Visit a local bakery

Be EXTRA, all day, every day

Visit all my last teachers

Be myself, even if people don't like the real me

Write movies for Universal

Swap lives with someone for a day

Study abroad

Own a whole bunch of yellow pencils—to touch, to smell, and to write with

It's "thank you for your apology", not "it's okay"

Just be happy, as often as my brain will allow!

Wow a feel like a just handed over a big chunk of myself. Please use this wisely and more that this list is definitely subject to change.

#me #things I've always wanted to do #wow personal

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todancealongthelightofday · 5 years ago

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Well.

It's official. I’m off facebook. I had to. I can't continue to hurt myself obsessing over what you're doing and what people are saying about me. I can't be worried about every post I make and who may get upset or how much of my personal life I accidentally reveal. I'm struggling with myself to not give into the temptation of being petty. I want to show every single one of those girls you added this week all of the screenshots I have of you being the absolute worst. I want to tell your family that you never “went so hard” on me because I was “pulling some shit”. that never happened and you know it. You sit alone, bored, with a dry phone and so you decide to “miss me” and apologize and make all these promises that things will be different. The same promises that ive heard 1000 times already. Nothing was ever different. Just last night, when you accused me of so many things, you yourself were lying to me. Your snap count keeps going up, yet you yell at me that you're not talking to anyone and you'll delete snapchat. Why would it matter if you deleted it anyway? you just redownload it when I'm not around, just like you always have. Thats the thing. The trust is gone. You've used it up. You've taken every bit of trust I have and shattered it. I can't even go to my hometown anymore because I don't know who I can trust. Who you've poisoned. I know you're not telling anyone what really happened. I assume you're spinning a narrative along the lines of “she couldn't handle me being gone all the time and she was being a bitch so we broke up” instead of “I was unfaithful the entire relationship because I have a sex addiction, but I stopped wanting sex with her a long time ago. I also stopped loving her the way she craved to be loved. I stopped kissing her. I stopped calling her beautiful. I stopped enjoying her company on the couch for a lazy movie day. I stopped appreciating her as she held down the fort while I went away for work and flirted and partied and ignored her. While I was gone, she was at work or at home. She was paying bills and calling plumbers and yard workers, and getting estimates on fence work and painters and floor replacements. She was cooking and cleaning and caring for our dogs. She was allowing others to stay in the house because they fell on hard times. She was rehabbing baby animals and getting broken glass doors replaced. She was doing everything she could to bring light and happiness to everyone (and every animal) she could. And she was doing it all while being neglected. Doing it all for me while I was going out and disrespecting her and our commitment.” I know thats not what you're telling them, but thats the story id really like people to know. I want them to know that I cried myself to sleep every night that I would call you before bed, after not talking to you all day, and you “had nothing to say. I just worked all day. I'm tired. goodnight”. I would cry on the bathroom floor when you would come home after 3 months and never kiss me or hug me. just walk past me and ask “who's coming over tonight? lets cook!”. I would spend hours steaming floors and dusting fans and washing blankets and shampooing carpets and then I would shower and dress up and do my makeup and wear my best outfit down to the panties, and you would just come home, have people over, get sloppy drunk, and pass out, leaving me to host until everyone left, clean the mess that 10 drunk people and a bbq is bound to leave, then crawl into bed at 4 AM. Then I would get up at 6:30 to start the morning routine. Dogs out. Feed cats. Let dogs in and feed them. Feed the fish and the tortoise. Let the dogs out again. Switch the laundry, unload the dishwasher. You would just lay in bed all day. If you got up, it was probably 2 or 3 in the afternoon and you'd sit on the couch and watch tv while I did your laundry and whatever other things needed to be done that day. I would beg you to come with me for Tyson’s vet appointment, and of course you'd say no. I’d tell you my family was having a crawfish boil and you'd say you were too tired or “dont feel like being around people”. But thats not true, was it. You just didn't want to be around those people. You were always ready to go to bars and drink and ignore me. thats the people you like. the ones that don't know you and that assume you're single because you haven't touched me or kissed me or danced with me once all night. But oh... if Claire wants to dance or if a guy starts talking to Leah, you're on that shit. Cant let YOUR eye candy get taken by some guy at a bar. Yet I was forced to break a mans nose. I was forced to defend myself, because when he disrespected me, you where nowhere to be found. Probably watching some girl, too distracted to know that a man was trying to hurt me. But doing worry. I dealt with it. Im stronger than you think. I made it through all that. I made it through so many nights of hating myself and questioning what I did wrong and why I wasn't good enough. What I could do to be good enough for you. I didn't leave when you invited Linzy to sleep in your bed and stoped coming visit because she would be bored alone if you left. I didn't leave when your snapchat was all women that you would snap all day long and never save anything so I could never see it. I didn't leave when you fixated on the idea of Sadie showing her tits in new Orleans while I stood right in front of you. I also didn't leave when, that same night, you “jokingly” grabbed at her chest and when we went home, your phone “accidentally got left in the bathroom standing up in a strange place and took pictures of her in the shower”. I didn't leave. I stayed and I believed you because for a day or two after an incident you would love me again. you would kiss me and hug me and have sex with me. Then as soon as I believed you, it would stop and you'd go back to your fuck boy shit. You'd go back to “being so tired” that you couldn't call me before bed but you had time to talk to Claire and invite her to your hotel room. You couldn't be bothered to give me the attention I had been begging for, but you could find time to snapchat my sister and “dare her to flash you as a joke”. Or what about the time you “accidentally” sent her a snap of your dick in the shower?! I am so angry and so hurt. Honestly I don't even remember what the point of this post was. Its gone from having a purpose to the words jus falling out of my heart and into my keyboard. I know I made the right choice. I saw something earlier that said “Sometimes you have to break your heart to find your peace” and honestly that is what im doing. Im so hurt and so scared and I feel small and lost, but after typing all these things, I remember why I left you. I know these negative feelings will pass and my life will get back on track and ill be happy and I know that one day I will find a man that knows how to love. A man that knows how broken I am and the trauma that iv gone through and he just supports me and loves me the way I've always wanted. So im deleting facebook so that I am no longer hurt by all the lies you're spreading and all the women you're fucking. Im choosing to fix me. I am choosing to stand myself up and climb out of this rubble and keep moving forward. Im choosing to start putting myself back together so that when that man finds me, im ready to let him hold me. Also, sorry to anyone that gets stuck reading this. It is word vomit on a page and I apologize for my shit writing and rambling. I just kinda let myself type whatever came out. This is my life. this is me. Well. its at least the tip of the iceberg of the hot mess that is me.

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nomorevanillabeanicecream · 5 years ago

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no more vanilla bean ice cream

they were out of vanilla bean ice cream, they had vanilla, french vanilla, sweet cream vanilla and cheesecake vanilla, but not vanilla bean, when did everyone all of a sudden get into vanilla bean, everyone was a pig they could not care less about the bean in the vanilla or not, but now apparently everyone was into vanilla bean ice cream because last week there was a full row of umpqua vanilla bean ice cream and now there was none

so I’m waiting in line at safeway with my subpar vanilla ice cream after I had gone on a much needed quarantine run right after spending two hours texting my friend and she was telling me about how google owns all the data in the world and not only has enough data to know me better than myself, but since they know everyone else’s data too, they know my friends data so they know me in context, the whole thing was very depressing so depressing i didnt even want to use a period in my writing anymore because what the fuck was the point of punctuation anyway in this world, i would still be nice and use commas, just to give my fingers a break and be able to get a thought in or so.

i guess i could also accommodate for paragraphs break at visually appropriate times, it didn't matter if it was contextually appropriate or not, i was going to drop a paragraph break because i know people like paragraphs, charles dickens and dostoevsky and jane austen and leo tolstoy never made paragraph breaks that's why no one ever read their books, people just say they read them to seem smart but they never really read them they just knew it was the right thing to say that they were literary geniuses because their books were so long, see people like to lie and say they know the work of a great author even though they only read a few quotes by them, but that was enough to say good and bad things about writers without ever knowing what the hell they did, few understand the theory of relativity but everyone calls einstein a genius.

the thing about quarantine was that at this point i had gotten used to seeing very few people in my life and i was enjoying it so whenever i had to go to the supermarket i had to see all these people and boy were they gross, maybe i would not have seen them as so gross if had gotten my vanilla bean ice cream but i had not so, they were gross, they were all getting so fat, and fat in like weird ways, not like fat on the sides like the michelin tire guy or a cute belly like the pillsbury dough boy or like that kinda funny superfat like homer simpson or peter griffin they were just gross fat, like it looked like they had just been eating garbage and watching netflix fat, like this one guy seemed like if you got a pillowcase filled it up with hot lard and then poked two pool cues on the bottom of it, this other lady looked like a minifridge emptied into a potato sack.

the asses were the worst part, it was kinda hot so everyone was wearing shorts and it was not appropriate when they wear shorts always have that like red line right under the shorts and it does not look that great, the oddest one was the skinny ass but with fat legs, i did not get that one, the person would have no ass mass at all but then the legs were super fat i did not understand what they were doing to get their bodies to look this way, a lot of people were also walking around with wedgies, a lot of people were also walking around in pajamas covered in animal hair and it was gross, its like you have nowhere to go, you are all complaining about not having the right to go out, so when you do go out why not maybe spruce things up, honour life, honour your fellow human, no, screw that we are all going to behave like the whole entire public sphere is a big ass pijama party,

the whole facemask thing, wait before, i start talking about the facemask thing, everytime i start a new paragraph, google is trying to force me into capitalizing the first letter, it doesn't even ask me if i want to capitalize it, it just goes ahead and does it, google is such an presumptuous douche sometimes, now when i write in gmail, it autocompletes all my sentences, great so we can all sound like robots, and it does it like automatically, so i ending having to erase the lame sentence it wrote, i mean i would have probably come up with something similar or exactly the same too, after all there are only so many ways to say goodbye, but id like to think it was my idea, these engineers had no savoir faire, just so you know, so now i hope that everytime you start to read a new paragraph you imagine me hitting the backspace button to delete their fascist capital letters, and its frustrating because im really trying to write as fast as i can, i bet you can tell

see it happened again, and its not that i just have to hit the delete, i have to get my mouse and put my cursor there so it like detects its not just on mistake i am trying to delete their smartass capital letter, so yeah to the facemask thing, the whole facemask thing was pretty dumb, i mean if the facemask was the windshield to the coronavirus i didnt get how casual people were being about, they would just pull it right down under their noise, oh great now you have all your coronavirus on your nostrils, what the hell, i didnt get it, im pretty sure noone in that safeway store had coronavirus, and it was coronavirus not covid19, what is it about us having to find dandy little names for things, it was the coronavirus and thats that, so yeah we were all carrying about these facemasks that if they were really protecting us from the coronavirus lingering in the air then we were being flagrantly irresponsible in our use, but deep down we all felt it wasnt, but we just had to wear one because it was the rule, but we all knew noone in the store had coronavirus

it may sound weird, but i think you know when someone has coronavirus, its like you can just tell, you know like other things you can just tell about a person, i remember i once went up to san francisco about a month ago, and i saw this guy on the muni line headed to the bayview that for sure had coronavirus, he wasnt coughing or anything, but i saw him and i knew he definitely had coronavirus, it wasnt because he was black or chinese or anything, this isnt like a hidden racist joke, i could just tell, i freaked out , and i havent gone up to the city since then, and then, lo and behold they announced that a muni driver got the corona and that the bayview district had the most corona cases in the cities, see sometimes you can just tell

im pretty sure that day i even had the corona on me, i mean i didnt get it, but im pretty sure it landed on my hand, but i washed it before i touched any of my mucous parts, but it was there with me, i dont think it was from the guy on the bus thought, i think it landed from this other guy, i went to a deli to buy water, bananas, coca cola and chocolate and this guy was kinda drunk and talking real loud and coming real close and i could feel the air get really moist when he passed by me and my hand was exposed and i know that at that moment some of it got on my hand, but i didnt panic, i knew i couldnt lose my cool, i had to just play it smooth, and wait till i could get to the studio and wash my hand and everything else, i was really thorough i walked the whole way back to the studio with my hand outstretched so it wouldnt touch my jacket or anything, i could feel it was there, it was for sure there, but i played it cool and washed it and nothing happen, but i was that close

and thats why you have to wash your hands because you could be that close too to having coronavirus, so see im not that crazy, that the reason they recommend us all to wash our hands, because at some point it could be that close to you, and if you don't wash your hand before your touch your eye, boom you got coronavirus, crazy to think that you too could have had coronavirus on you, and you could have, but now i think there isnt that much coronavirus on things anywhere, i think the coronavirus is like hiding or something, i think the coronavirus are like finding their niches and stuff, like if you ask me i think the coronavirus right now is probably somewhere where the sun dont shine, i bet it like flew to a a dirty dive bar that was totally shut down windows boarded and everything, but its there just chilling on the sticky counter, waiting to come back in the summer, i also think it might be at like some nasty to-go food place, like there is this wing place open till midnite around my house, i bet there is a little coronavirus there, but only a little bit, and its like one of the lazy ones, so i dont think it feels like jumping on anyone

at work i have to tell the staff how to wash their hands, i tell them they have to wash on top of their hand, palm of their hand, each finger, in between fingers, under the finger nails, and up to the elbow, but i mean if they have coronavirus, and their touching my food, i think its going to get on the to go box anyway, but its the rules so i play along, i even translated the rules, and told them to sign a paper, the paper also said that they had to wear a facemask, its not like they have multiple facemasks, i mean we are going to give them a few, but its up to them to wash it, one guy asked me if he could use the same one for a few days, i told him no, but i mean even if he washes his facemask before work and then lets say he puts it in his pocket, what if his jacket has corona but his facemask doesnt, itd be a real shame if his corona jacket infected his noncorona facemask, but i saw him and i dont think he had corona anyway

im repeating the same point and the rant is losing steam, so i gotta ramp it back up, or maybe no, maybe its not all just about ranting, maybe i should tell you some good things, like ill tell you about my run, the day was so nice, it was bright and sunny, and thats really all i gotta say, the point that i have more to say about right now is that i feel like im writing like that kid from catcher in the rye, that kid was a real case, i cant say i disliked the kid, but i wouldnt hang out with him, i mean in general i wouldnt be hanging out with high schoolers, but i might hang out with him after he grows up, i think we were all like that kid at some point, and the ones that arent, are soul dead and just go to work and drink craft beer and probably become those engineers without savoir faire that figure out the code to finish my email sentences

but i also feel that i am writing likes james joyce in ulysses, those are two books that i read from cover to cover ulysses and catcher in the rye, all it takes is a good fucked up guy to write something honest and you can get me to finish it, james joyce was all about stream of consciousness, crazy to think that ulysses is regularly named the best book of the century, and it wasnt even that bad of a century for books, it was a crazy book, and it was daring and new to just expose how he felt a person thought, and i mean it was pretty smart, because that is how we think, we jump around and we get nervous and self conscious and horny and we think in simple letters, and our memories associate things weirdly, i mean dante was the best writer of all the time, but i dont know anyone that thinks inside their brain in metered stanzas, if there was such a person, i dont know if id like to meet him, it would be a lot to handle good novels have taught me a lot, they've confused me too, but overall taught me things, see life is a grey thing, like there arent absolute values,

for us human beings, its easy to think of things as black and white, good and bad, yes or no, but thats not how it goes, there is a lot of grey area, and thats why i guess i liked ulysses, see the whole book is about this guy that is roaming around dublin, while he knows his wife is cheating on him, the last chapter is a stream of consciousness from his wifes mind, in which she just goes through her mind thinking about her past lovers and this guy she is cheating on her husband with, and ultimately she feels bad and when her husband climbs back into bed with her, shes like thinking oh there he is again, old leopold, but hes my leopold and she i guess kinda does admit to loving him, life hurts like that sometimes, a woman can still love you but cheat on you, a man can do it too, anyone can cheat on you, but still love you, anyone can hurt you and still love you, its a rough reality, remember i wrote an essay on this book, and the teacher said that i should save it and give it to the woman i marry it was so good, i didnt save it so i guess that wont ever happen, i cant even remember what i said, probably something about forgiveness and the abstract beauty of love, i was only twenty, i could have said anything

i wish i could remember what i wrote though, nowadays a lot of people are walking around with fear of intimacy issues, they are scared to open up to people, you know a lot of people are saying that they have intimacy issues, so i wanted to figure out more, i looked it up on wikipedia and it said there were four types of people, normal people that love themselves and can share intimacy with others, people that think themselves unworthy of intimacy but seek it, people that are scared of being intimate with others out of fear of rejection, and people that have self worth but think others are undeserving of intimacy, i think the whole thing probably comes from parental stuff, that's always the freudian way of looking at things, its kind of a shame because i think people really do like laying in bed and talking comfortably with someone after a wild fuck, when i wrote the essay i didnt have intimacy issues, but i might now, i dont know, and even if i did i dont know what type of of person i am, i guess sometimes people do say some stupid things, and stupid things out of a naked person are the worst kind of stupid things, whatever its wikipedia, anyone could have written, just like the original science study it supposedly based on,

ok this all getting too gooey and it lost its sharp vibe, i think that we were on a roll, when we were on the coronavirus landing places part, but then i get too serious and stuff, i do still want to talk about books i like, you know like thats one of the favorite things english teachers like to do, they like to analyze all the references that an authour made to other books, normally its the bible or the odyssey or some other greek or roman classic, like ulysses was modeled after the odyssey, i remember the teacher always talked about that, ive never read the odyssey or the iliad, ive heard they are great books, but i try not to say it myself, i do say that homer was a great poet though, but i never read his stuff, i mean ive read the first line, but i dont know the whole story or anything, i guess we are all hypocrites at some point or another, i do know however that ulysses was in one of dantes circles of hell, because he was advisor to deceit, the deceit of having that big horse full of soldiers go into to troy, so he ended up in hell, talking about hell that was another book they loved to reference, the bible, the bible doesnt see things grey, they see it black or white, this morning i woke up at four in the morning, and i couldnt get back to bed, so i pulled to a random spot and started reading proverbs, they make it seem so simple, this is good, that is is bad, i wish it were that simple, it used to be that simple like that when i was little kid, maybe it still is but, i just refuse to see it that way

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fckeverything-v · 5 years ago

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1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? Lick

2. What is home to you? Alabama:/

3. What was the last lie you told? I couldnt tell you

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? Maybe not?

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. Walk away, move states..

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) Being alone & fuck irdk

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? Mhm 4 years ago.

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? A lotttt haha

10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? Woah people express that? no but humans would probably bone all the time.

11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? Only 2 (technically 3) serious relationships. Many flings.

12. What is your paradise? I dont have one :(

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) Music

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? Only 1... maybe 2 soon. (not you hehe.)

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? What does this say about you? Finding friendships through social media or other platforms. And mhm probably that im a lonely pos

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? Because they're pretty. Not really.

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? Chew loud.

18. Do you overexaggerate? What are the pros and cons of this? Eh, yeah. And I cant think of any pros.

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? Piano, saxophone

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? No. I stare at it until i hate it.

21. List 3 things you like about yourself?

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? To not give up. As simple as that sounds.

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? No. Dont you need to be mentally stable- i would hope so..

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? Play games for hours.

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? Ha. Literally 5 minutes ago.

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? Introverted x100000

27. What constitutes a good friend? Someone who doesnt give up on you amd atleast tries to understand.

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? One best friend.

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? 'Hey hows your day going'

30. What is your dream job? Fuck, is this still a question.. to be a homicide detective in the biggest city i can think of.

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? Lazy and smart DUH

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe?

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? What it feels like to GET OFF. DUH.

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? Um my own dreams i guess.

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. Im not wasting my time describing that.

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? Live it up. I think id feel happy honestly.

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Mh. Sell it, their problem now and im rich.

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? Current events.

39. Name the last book you read. Dammed- chuck palahniuk

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? No change

41. When was the last time you made the first move? Um never..

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? Trash

43. What was the last tv show youve watched? Rick and Morty.

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? I appreciate what i am trying to do.

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself?

46. When was the last time you cried? Yesterday

47. What are you scared of? Heights.

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? Um live my life everyday probably.

49. What are some of your hobbies? .... literally WORSE question. I smoke cigs. Is that a hobby?

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make?

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? I feel like i am both. I try to be there for them. But also, im so hard to get so i feel like i might come off the wrong way a lot.

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? Honestly; nope.

53. What have you learned the hard way? Not to care what people think. After wasting my whole life. Im starting to realize it doesnt matter.

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? Follow your heart

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? Both but probably logical.

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done?

58. What is your ideal meal? Fuckk probably so good ass chicken with some gooooood asssssss mac and cheese. As lame as that sounds hahaha.

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? 1. Go on date with me

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? Yeah and dogs are cute but i love elephants.

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? Christmas.

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? Of courseeeee (;

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? Video games.

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? Woah you read my mind of sum? Shooter games.

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? Bullshit

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? No not really and like 5pm nowadays.

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? No

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? City but i love the countryside

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? Mountains

70. What are the best things about winter? Cold. Even though i hate it. Snow. Even if i dont see it. Trees dying.

71. What scares you most about the future? Literally everything.

72. What makes you feel old? Doing nothing.

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average? Idk like 5.

74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions? Be a better me.

75. What is your life story in 6 words?

76. Describe yourself in one word. Awkward.

77. What bad habits do you do? Smoking

78. What genre of music do you listen to? everything

79. Most prominent childhood memory? I would say, but its embarrassing that that's the memory.

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? My life would be so different. Maybe i would have someone to talk to.

81. Spirit animal?

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? Yes

83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given?

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. 1. Fox 2. Fox 3. Fox

85. Favorite memory of your family. :/

86. What do you look for in a relationship? Happiness

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? No. I dont need it. But now that i think about it i have one role model.

88. What is your opinion on social media? Dumb

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? Pessimest

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? Food

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? ..

92. What superpower would ruin the world? Any of them

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? Exactly what im doing now. Nothing. Giving up. Dropping out

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? Dont trust yourself when you know you arent okay. Fight club

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? Europe

96. How do you approach people? I dont but i guess a smile.

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? I think theyre okay. Only if you dont judge.

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? Lol play with imaginary friends

99. What languages can you speak? English

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? Lol hopefully ill be dead bc that shit sounds terrible

101. What do you do on your lazy days? Play games.

102. What ended your last relationship? I had enough.

103. Favorite food? Soul food

104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? Fuck im not saying.

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? Last night

106. What was the last friendship you broke? My friend Ashley:(

107. Do you have any pet peeves? Close minded people

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? Zack

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? Last night

110. What part of your personality do you want to change? I dont have one.

111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? My sister Grace.

112. What is your biggest motivation? My siblings. Faith & Grace.

113. What did you want to be when you were little? Honestly i never knew.

114. What are some things that you are good at? Smokin weed

115. What is one thing you want to be good at? Social skills

116. What distracts you the most, especially when you're trying to work? My mind

117. How important is privacy to you? Eh pretty significant i guess.

118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? Be friends with everybody.

119. What's the craziest lie you've ever told? Um.. i told my 2nd grade teacher my family died in a car crash.

120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? I dont go to parties haaha

121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? have friends and socialize too much like woah calm down you know youre still alone.. right. Like its only you. Hahah jk. But irdk.

122. What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress someone? a guy invited me over and ive never done anything sexual before so i pretended like i knew and i hurt his dick like bad. (We didnt have sex)

123. What is your morning routine? Wake up, wash face, brush teeth, get dressed, and then boom feel sad

124. What's the last thing you did that is worth remembering?

125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? Help

126. What is your opinion on playing "hard to get?" Being sort of isolated like not opening up. Which is okay bc if they want you they'll wait.

127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? Cons, you may hurt feelings. Pro, you know yourself and what you want to say congratulations

128. What do you consider "leading" someone on? Being fake happy.

129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? Friendzoner

130. What do you admire most about your friends? How beautiful he is. Inside & out.

131. What do you admire most about your family? They're still here.

132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow?" You may forget where you are trying to go. Or who you are.

133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? Listening.

134. When is it time to end a friendship? Idk

135. What is the worst excuse you've ever come up with? Lol too many.

136. If GPA didn't matter, what courses would you have taken? Doesnt matter.

137. What are your favorite baby names? Ive always liked Riley for a girl name and idk havent thought Bout a boys name.

138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? Maybe a week or so ago. Or a few days ago.

139. What instantly ruins a conversation? Lack of excitement

140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. Affection. And idk

143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? God every day.

147. What do you like about the 21st century? ???

141. Biggest disappointment. Myself

142. Do you have any self-restraint? A little.

144. Prized possession(s)? little things

145. What is your opinion on second chances? They might seem okay but idk.... depends i guess

146. Text or call? Both, depends on whom im texting or callin

148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? Life is hard and stupid but choices you make will stay with you forever so what are you gonna do, follow your heart or head? (head is better hope)

149. How organized are you? Eh not really anymore.

150. Favorite mode of transportation. My car

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mizu-writes-kumo · 5 years ago

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Shance prompt (if it's alright with you) where Shiro is the reincarnation of God of Life and Lance is the reincarnation of God of Death (also if it's alright can I stay anonymous? I am not able to use private messenger on mobile browser so yeah, thanks)

I really liked this idea, It was fun, even if I don't super like the why I ended it, it was how I planned to do it. I hope you like it!

Also you can heard it here on AO3.

Life has a beginning and an end.

Death is eternal.

Unlike Life, Death does not have a start and an end. Death is never born. Nor does Death end and fade away. Death is as they always have been, and how they will always be. Existing. Until there is no more time left.

Life does not lose Death.

But Death always loses Life.

Life dies, and fades, and is born again in a new body and new soul.

Leaving Death to wait for Life’s return to them. Left to wander around searching for Life so they can been together again.

While Death merely...moves on to a new vessel.

Death’s new vessel’s name was Lance...is Lance.

Lance was a real person before Lance was Death, and Death was Lance.

With a family that loved him. And a handful of friends that truly cared for him. He wanted to travel as much as he could. Meet as many people as he could, and maybe fall in love with someone on a trip.

He died...somehow.

It is slightly fuzzy, but that’s how it always is for Death with a vessel. Because they die...but they don’t die. That and without Life, Death is a shell of themselves and their vessel. They don't know things they should, beyond being Death. Nor will they until they find Life again. So in the end it doesn’t really matter at all.

Lance wonders about most the world after becoming Death.

Not really knowing exactly why.

It seems like he is following a pull of something. Something that leads him to every hospital, every farm, every animal shelter and breeder, and every flower shop, he can find. Fruitless searching something he has no clue about. But he knows, somewhere deep, those are the places to check.

What Lance is looking for is usually there.

Natural places for Life to be doing something.

So he is left to just wander around. Listlessly searching in a half knowledgeable daze. Not really filled with any emotion about it. Just waiting for things to happen. Because it will and he knows it will be like waking up from a dream.

Sometimes, Lance stays in a city for a while.

Like the one he was in currently.

It is large and full of people, and animals, and things. Bursting with activity and life at all times. Lance had been there for just over a year know. He’s checked everyone hospital, animal shelter, vet, and florist shop in the place. Part of him knows he should move on, go to the next place. Only it feel like there is no other place.

So he wonders around the city daily.

Wandering and wandering.

And he always stops in front of small flower shop.

Staring at it.

Star Garden was the name of it. It’s a tiny little place, crammed between a tourist shop and a popular restaurant. Probably statistically placed in reality, and doing well for itself. Despite the fact that it looks like it's half starting to fall apart. But there was always buckets overflowing with beautiful vibrant flowers.

“Are ever going to buy anything from my shop?” A voice suddenly asked.

Lance turned to the sound of the voice to see a man squatting in front a bucket of yellow flowers. A relatively good looking man by Lance’s tastes. Square jawline, built and broad, with hair that looked soft...even with the weird white bang fluff he had going on. A scar rested across his nose and soft smile on his lips.

Lance knows he’s never meet this man before.

There had been a young woman with whitish hair that was very polite when Lance first came in. And there as another man with a mullet. He was never very nice, and always demand Lance either buy something or get lost.

“I am not good with flowers.” Lance stated simply.

“Okay, but to be fair to my shop, most of the flowers I sell out of pots only last a week.” The man said as he moved to strand up and turned more towards Lance. He’s a few inches taller than Lance. And he has a name tag that reads ‘Shiro’. “That’s how bouquets kind of work. It’s kind of the sad truth.”

Lance hummed absently as he shoved his hands in the pocket of his jacket. Before he took a step towards Shiro and the buckets of flowers. He knows they will start to wilt the moment he touches him. Because that’s just want they do now since he became Death.

“I don’t have a reason to buy flowers.” Lance said after a small beat of silence.

“Then why do you stop by everyday then?” Shiro asked with a cute titled of his head.

Lance shrugged in reply.

Shiro hummed at him with a slightly frown.

“What?” Lance asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Usually people have some sort of answer, like fate...or Allura.” Shiro said simply with something that looked a bit of a pout.. “Or they need to buy flowers.” He paused before he snorted a bit. “Honestly, you could have said a unicorn told you to come every day, and it would be less weird than shrugging.”

“Well, in my defense, I think I only have like half brain cell functioning.” Lance shoot back. “I feel like am wandering around in some kind of dream waiting to wake up. And there’s just something about this place...that keeps pulling me back. But not like in a fate way. If that makes sense?”

Shiro made a small face at the words.

One was clear that what Lance said made no real sense to him. The smile after was just to be polite and kind to the weirdness. Because he didn’t wanted to hurt Lance’s feelings.

“Like I said half a function brain cell.” Lance tried to recover.

Shiro laughed lightly at the statement. Nodding in agreement that, yes, Lance had said that and it was clearly very true.

“Maybe give it a bit of a rest when you get home.” Shiro said as he turned back to the bucket of yellow flowers. “And since you never buy anything, maybe I can interest you in a free sample to put in a vase or tall glass, whatever you have.” Shiro continued as he reached down and pulled out a tall stem of a flower. “Make your dining table nice and pretty. Maybe help convince you purchase something from my little shop.” Shiro held the flower out towards Lance with an encouraging look. “Come on, take it. It’s going to wither and die anyway.”

“No, I reall--”

“Take it, please.” Shiro insisted as he held the flower out further towards Lance. “It’s not like it’s going to wilt immediately in your hand.”

Lance knew the flower would very much to that. Okay well not instantly. But it would start to droop and loose color as it started to wilt away. Once Lance reached the end of the street after saying his thanks and goodbyes, it would be brown and gone.

Taking the flower was not an option.

He needed to make up some excuse as to way. Like severe allergies or a cat or a cat with severe allergies. Something that was reasonable for turning down a simple flower when he comes to look at a flower shop everyday. That way he wouldn’t have to touch the flower or anything.

Yet…

Lance takes his hand out of his pocket and takes the stem.

Being mindful not to touch Shiro beyond a passing brush. Humans are not like flowers, they won’t die at a touch from him. But if Lance isn’t careful he’ll drain a little life energy. People usually get tired or fall suddenly ill. And Lance wished to avoid that at all costs.

“Thank you, that is very kind of you.” Lance said as he watched Shiro take his hand away.

Lance kept his gaze on the flower. Watching the amount of wilt that takes all, as a judge of how much time he could truly linger before anyone would notices. He could hear Shiro brush of his thanks and say something else. But he doesn’t listen, merely watches the flower.

Which surprisingly doesn’t wilt in Lance’s hold.

And then it’s like wake up from a dream.

The haze on his knowledge lifts. The world seemed a little brighter. Feels a little warmer and softer. Even sounded a little louder, and moved with a familiar buzz, Lance hadn’t felt in a long long time. Like there is a sort of breath and life to it all.

Like it did whenever Death had Life.

That was why...

Quickly Lance looked up and Shiro.

Real name Takashi Shirogane, age 26, born in February. Yet time and cause of death is a little fuzzy, in the way Life’s always was for Death. As the universe intended it to be. There had to be order. Life had to end, and Death needed not to stand in the way of that.

Finding the other’s gray eyes wide.

Like his mind had just be flooded with all things Life knew and felt.

Gently Lance reached out to rest a hand of Shiro’s arm. Finding it warm and pleasant, under his touch, like it always was. He smiled softly as he carefully guided Shiro to a small bench in the front of the shop to sit down. Life always takes a moment to come back to him when he meets them again.

Because it’s not just like a haze being lifted.

Life is born again. They never have any lingering sense of knowledge like Death does when they take a new vessel. Rather it is like a sort of bloom opening, and things fall into place. It has always been there, but hidden away. And meeting Death well...it kick starts it all. But it still takes a moment or two work through the initial burst.

“Hello again, my love.” Lance said once Shiro looked up at him again.

And he could feel his heart start to beat again at the smile he received in return.

AN: I hope you enjoyed this.

Also again I think took the italics off, cause it usually does and I am too lazy at the moment.

#shance #fanfiction #prompt #ask fic #anon ask #vld lance #vld shiro #lance is death #shiro is life #they love each other

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arlo-venn · 6 years ago

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I’m posting this long message I sent to a work friend today, in case anybody here happens to feel similarly to the undermentioned Kelsey...

(Y’all are cool so I doubt it but just as a disclaimer.....)

I’m posting it verbatim and not modifying it at all for Tumblr, due to laziness and a headache:

“Just gotta vent bout this real quick since you were there to witness part of the discussion— hope that’s cool!!

It bums me out when people, especially people I like & respect like Kelsey, get eye rolly when I mention new small pet additions :/ ‘Cause I’m not an idiot and I don’t bring new lives into my care without 1) research and 2) certainty of my ability to care for them adequately, which is exactly what I assume when my friends bring home new animals themselves.

Like, how does Kelsey view me as a person if any part of her thinks I might bring in pets if I couldn’t afford to take them to a vet?? (It’s not just her, there are others like Alicia/Jessica/Katelynn who are eye rolly, too, it’s just more hurtful from Kelsey since she’s someone I would always automatically extend the benefit of the doubt to because I know she’s a responsible & intelligent human being.) I fell in love with a young pup at the shelter the other day, but did I bring her home?? No, because I’m not adopting another dog until I can afford a certified behaviorist to work with it at ages 2-3 months, 1 year, and 2 years, and I’m not in that position right now! I make informed, educated, and responsible decisions when it comes to the animals in my care; the thought of a pal suspecting otherwise is just a lil offensive, you know??

I understand that I’ve recently acquired multiple small animals in a short period of time, and that from the outside that might appear to be frivolous behavior, but coming out of a deep dark depression for possibly the first time in one’s life and not only rediscovering a long buried passion, but using that passion to healthily cope with the root causes of one’s tendency to slip into severe depressive cycles (lack of family/loneliness/inability to maintain human connections/chronic illness/over abundance of free time/agoraphobia/etc.) is Not A Bad Thing!! At all??

I have a symbiotic/mutually beneficial relationship with each of my pets. I take very good care of them all. I’m an absolute nutcase when it comes to their diets and what ingredients go into their little bodies! Arlo (& the cats) remained on one of the most expensive foods in my neighborhood shop even while I was at my poorest. I still made sure he was vetted, fixed, vaccinated, etc. when I was unexpectedly broke as HECK during his teen years. I’m not a careless willy nilly pet parent! I know what I’m doing!

Besides, the hamsters are both incredibly independent and practically free to maintain. I have to buy them food/bedding/hay/treats LESS than monthly— in fact I think I’m only on my second bag of food since first adopting MILKWEED. They’re also fairly healthy as a species and rarely require vet care as the ailments they’re most prone to can be avoided with proper care. I am a person who NEEDS things to take care of, and the hamsters don’t need that much from me. So I looked into other rodents who require more interactive care! Was going to be gerbils til I got diverted to that rat track... I didn’t get gerbils right away and acquired their supplies gradually. I kept educating myself on various rodent care until I was informed enough to decide that rats were who I’d be most compatible with. If I were the sort of person an eye roll or head shake suggests, I’d have gerbils in here right now! And, 4 rats is a super common number of rats for someone to keep! The cage I’m getting for Lorna & Thimble once they outgrow the starter is already big enough, plus it can be separated into two separate cages should introductions not go as planned, and STILL be big enough. It’d literally only cost me $8 to save two more from being devoured, outside of food and toys, which are cheap. I went into rat ownership knowing that it is very likely they’ll fall ill, which is how I knew Thimble needed to go get antibiotics STAT. If I have the time, space, money, and energy to provide animals a safe, happy, and enriching environment, why shouldn’t I!?!

Plus I’ve gotten like $4 in raises just since November, and if I want to take advantage of that by further building my zoo family, it is my right as an adult with the means to do so... to do so! I think the fact that I am specifically moving into a bigger apartment so that I can provide them all the happiest & safest lives possible says enough about not only my ability to care for creatures but my dedication to them as well, does it not? I’m willing to dish out $300 extra a month so my rodents can be behind a closed door. So I wish the acquaintances around me would just let me build my fuzzy little family in peace. They’re just about all I have in this world and my connections with my animals really do alleviate the ache-yness of loneliness. This is probably literally the First Time in my whooole life that I’ve felt overall fulfilled and happy, which the rodents are a huge part of, and I wish the humans I interact with regularly would be supportive of that instead of getting judgey & bringing me down :/ I feel like I can’t even talk about any of the rodents anymore at work without feeling the recipient’s judgement and it’s No Fun to have to try not to talk about the things that bring you joy. Especially when there’s really not much else to my daily life than the happenings of my fluff family, so that leaves me with very little to say. A bummer when work is like the only place I really interact with people... I don’t know anything about pop culture/media, I don’t have cable or internet so I don’t really watch TV, I obviously have no interest in sports, the only person who shares my weird taste in music hates my guts & I have no interest in her guts either, so all I really have as a connecting force between me and humanity is our shared love of animals, and now I feel like I can’t even talk about that anymore! So I mostly just talk to you, Jon, and Hanna about em now.

ANYWAY I’m not as upset about it as the length of this might imply, I just wanted to make sure YOU knew that I’m not a frivolous idiot, really. Thank you for reading my novel on my ability to care for my pets; I know it was LENGTHY.”

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musingsofanewbienurse · 6 years ago

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Transitioning to Veganism

In January 2019 I decided to take part in veganuary with the intention of being fully vegan afterward (bar what was already in my cupboard and needed eating up). It wasn’t a sudden decision, in fact, it had been a gradual choice that I had been considering for months at this point. I had been vegetarian since July 2017 and had been gradually decreasing my intake of animal products so that by the end of 2018 my diet was 80-90% plant based already. I had been avoiding dairy for the most part anyway as it causes my skin to break out badly and cheese was an expensive luxury on a furgal university budget. The only thing that really let me down in that aspect was when I ate out or by not checking labels.

Like most people I had watched the world-famous Netflix document ‘What the Health’ in the spring of 2017 and that was probably one of the first major catalyst that lead to me analysing and changing my diet. I had grown up on a small, rural island off the mainland of England, one of its main agricultures being farming. Every-day I would see cows and sheep grazing in fields both outside my bedroom window and on the way to school, I saw these animals had a good quality of life (in a way that they do not always in larger areas of Britain and the US), and like many people, never really questioned the connection between that and my dinner plate.

I was also notoriously fussy, and although I liked most varieties of meat, the same could not be said of vegetables. In fact I hated every single one until I was 16 and then I could just about stomach carrots. A healthy diet I did not have, despite how much my parents tried to push otherwise. Going vegetarian was simply not a viable option for me back then; but on joining university I started to cook for myself and my taste matured, leading me to today, where I now love 99% of veg (broccoli is legitimately my favourite food) and it makes up the bulk of my diet.

It meant, that when I watched the documentary I was able to genuinely consider becoming vegetarian, and started to slowly phase meat out of my diet. Even then, I knew that ultimately I did want to become vegan, after seeing the impact the meat and dairy industry has on our health*, the environment and on the animals who are subjected to it. But I wanted to do it the right way and for the long-term. If I cut out everything at once I knew after a week or two I would revert back to my usual diet, my body craving things that had always been present. I also wanted to be educated about things I substituted meat for; I go to the gym regularly and I wanted to know that what I was eating would have a good variety of nutrients. And most importantly, I didn’t want my mental health to suffer.

Like most young women growing up in this century I have had issues with food and my body. Although I have never received any formal help or diagnosis I definitely had an unhealthy relationship with food, especially in my mid-teens, though even now some days are harder than others. For the most part I am a lot better, but I was wary that if I suddenly cut out a lot of different foods and placed a lot of restrictive rules on my diet that I would be taking a huge step backwards, that I would go back to obsessing over every little thing that I eat. I didn’t want to sacrifice my health and knew that if I was to do this safely, then gradually converting my diet was the only answer.

And that is what I did. First it was dairy milk, an easy swap as there are so many alternatives on the market. I mainly go for soya at home because it’s the cheapest and I really don’t need anything fancy in my bowl of porridge, but oat is by far my favourite and go-to when I’ve gone out for a coffee.

Eggs was one of the biggest changes. In my second year of uni I had eggs for breakfast nearly everyday that I wasn’t on placement, and I genuinely didn’t see myself as able to give them up. But in third year I found a love of porridge and overnight oats, or tofu scramble if I fancied something closer to what I usually had eaten. And eventually I was only having eggs when eating out, there is nothing nicer than an eggs benedict (and if anyone can link me to a good vegan recipe for it, I will love them forever).

Like I previously mentioned, cheese wasn’t a large part of my diet, because as a university student it just wasn’t worth budgeting for. I’ve never had a problem with any of the vegan alternatives I’ve tried, though this may be because I ate cheese so rarely that I couldn’t really directly compare the two.

Chocolate, the crux for many people, was a big one. “But how do you live without chocolate?” I’m normally asked by my horrified coworkers, and the answer is that I don’t. In fact, I probably have it in some form everyday, it just took a bit of getting used to looking for the vegan friendly alternatives in tescos. But there are plenty, and even some of the major brands are accidently vegan (looking at you bourbons).

Eventually it just left occasions where I was eating out (laziness would sometimes lead to me choosing the vegetarian option, and other times it was simply because that was what I wanted to eat), and items where I had not checked the label for hidden ingredients. Milk powder is in bloody everything, and if it’s not that, it’s normally eggs. Quorn in particular is well-known for this, though their vegan range is steadily growing.

By December 2018 I felt ready to take on Veganuary. I no longer felt like my diet, or lifestyle would be negatively impacted by it and I saw it as a great chance to draw a line under the sand. When speaking to my dad on the phone two weeks in he asked if I was struggling yet. And honestly? I hadn’t even noticed, as there had been so few occasions where I would have chosen the non-vegan option anyway. To me it just made sense that after January I continued to eat plant based, and now, at the end of February I haven’t regretted it once. I am a giant advocator of eating a vegan diet. I feel so much healthier than when I ate meat, am more active than ever and can’t remember the last time I fell ill. I do understand it’s not possible for everyone, people who have had or have eating disorders may definitely struggle, and placing a load of rules on what they can and can’t eat wouldn’t be beneficial to their mental health in the slightest (just as it wouldn’t have been for me once upon a time).

I also understand that if you’re not educated about nutrition and the aspects of a healthy diet, then becoming vegetarian/vegan doesn’t automatically mean you’ll be any healthier, especially with the wide range of plant based foods and meals now out in supermarkets (I’m not berating any of these releases in the slightest, it’s amazing to see so many options and makes it a lot more accessible than it once was, it just means navigating for a healthy option isn’t always the easiest thing). Being vegan is still a privilege, I only have to support myself on my wage and it leaves plenty of room to opt for the more expensive meat alternatives and keep my diet balanced. A single parent with two kids however doesn’t have this option, and places like Lidl and Aldi are brilliant for selling a large quantity of meat for a relatively low price.

But reducing your meat and animal product intake is good for the planet, and I do think that every little thing, whether that be partaking in Meatless Monday or swapping dairy milk for soya helps. No-one has to be perfect or commit to the most severe of changes, especially if they feel it is what they should do because Instagram told them to, but making a substitution here and there helps massively.

*I am not saying that meat and dairy cannot make up a healthy diet, though like anything in large quantities it isn’t beneficial. There is also plenty of evidence against cows milk and how we digest it. In early 2019 the Eat-Lancet commission (linked below) was published, outlining global targets for the world population to achieve a healthy, nutritionally balanced diet whilst keeping food production sustainable. The diet consists mainly of fruit, vegetables, grains and legumes, with a small amount of meat and fish. It is fairly similar to the Mediterranean diet, and emphasises that you don’t need to cut all animal products out, but reducing them would be highly beneficial on a number of levels!

Walter, W., Rockstrom, J., Loken, B. et al (2019) Food in the Anthropocene: the EAT-Lancet Commission on Healthy Diets from Sustainable Food Products. The Lancet. [online] Available at: https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(18)31788-4/fulltext#seccestitle10

#nursing blog #nurse #newbie nurse #veganism #vegan #nutrition #nutrition blog #lancet

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