#am i trying to put a bandaid on me not agreeing with a potential friend with cute kitten pictures

[juuheizou]

ok but think about juuzou and tooru as parents to a baby girl🥺 what r your thoughts pls they'd be so adorable

Completely valid. Their caring sides are pretty adorable, both of them. Mutsuki, despite being as timid as he is, would be the one encouraging her spunkiness even a little too much and completely at her mercy when she wants to play or cuddle with dads. Suzuya would be thrilled to have a dress-up friend to make cute sparkly crafts or whole ass furniture fixings for, after they're done getting into mischief as a team, of course. That being said, this is the baby girl I cannot stop imagining, and won't ever stop imagining.

source: Kitty Lee Photography

[nonbinary-octopus]

Not Just the Two of Us Chapter 3:  Confession, Take Two: Asking Virgil Out

Chapter 1: Confession

[Masterpost]

[More of my writing]

Wordcount: 2.2 K

Summary: The plan immediately falls to pieces.

~~~~~

The best setting, they decided, was probably their living room. Virgil was often over anyway, and it provided a comfortable atmosphere, without the distractions of other people around, or strangers to watch if things got awkward. And if things went poorly, it was a short trip to their bedroom, where Roman could cry about it while Logan de-escalated with Virgil if necessary.

It took several minutes for Roman to work up the courage to actually say it. He and Virgil sat in what would normally be a comfortable silence, Virgil with his feet up on the couch, looking at his phone, and Roman on the opposite couch, watching him and trying to psych himself up. This was even harder than telling Logan!

“Virgil?” he said at last. Virgil looked up.

“Hm?”

Abort, abort! Roman’s mind screamed, but he ignored it. He wasn’t about to back down now! “I have a crush on you,” he blurted, like ripping off a bandaid.

Virgil’s eyes widened. “Oh no,” he said. “Don’t— don’t you dare, I’m not having this dream again.”

What? That had not been the response Roman had expected. In fact, it wasn’t any of the several responses he had considered, and as such, he was without a contingency plan. “What dream?”

“This dream,” Virgil hissed, gesturing furiously between them. “You. Me. The idea that you would conceivably like me back. I know how this ends, and it isn’t good.” He jabbed a finger in Roman’s direction. “You are taken, and I can’t have you, so get out of my head and let me have a normal, nonsensical kind of dream instead of the kind that will make things awkward when I see the real Roman.”

“I… I am the real Roman,” said Roman, feeling very confused.

“No you’re not,” Virgil answered grumpily. “You’re a product of my wishful thinking. When I wake up, you’ll be gone.”

“Um.” Roman honestly had no idea what to do. “Logan?” he called. “I need help!”

Logan appeared at the doorway. “How is it going?” he asked.

“Well, the good news is I think he likes me back. Bad news is, he thinks he’s dreaming.”

“Go away!” Virgil yelled, throwing a coaster at Roman’s head.

“Ow!”

Logan raised an eyebrow. “Which part of his reaction lead you to believe that he likes you back?” he inquired.

“The part where he called me a product of wishful thinking,” Roman answered, rubbing the spot where the coaster had connected. “Can you convince him he’s not dreaming, and then explain the polyamory thing?”

“I can try.” Logan sat down next to Virgil, who scowled. “How are you feeling, Virgil?”

Virgil hissed at him.

“I see.”

Virgil hugged his legs. “I would like to wake up now,” he whispered.

“Why do you believe that you are asleep?” Logan asked gently.

Virgil gestured vaguely at Roman and said nothing.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to be a bit more explanatory than that,” Logan said. “What about Roman?”

Virgil was quiet for several seconds, hugging his legs tightly. “A dream is the only place where Roman would ever like me back,” he said at last. “But even in a dream, I don’t have a sliver of a chance with him.” He ducked his head, hiding his face with his knees. “Please. I wanna wake up before we get to the part where you’re furious.”

There was stunned silence. Then Logan said in a kind tone, “I am not going to be furious, or even mad at all.”

Virgil peeked out at him. “You’re not?”

Logan shook his head. “I can understand where you are coming from,” he said. “And I apologize for not addressing this concern from the start. I should have realized that you would also be worried about how I would react.”

“‘Also’?” Virgil repeated, barely above a whisper.

“Yes,” Logan said. “When Roman came to me yesterday to tell me that he had a crush on you, he was worried that I would dump him.”

Virgil’s eyes flicked to Roman for a second, then locked back on Logan. “You didn’t dump him, did you?”

“No. I did not.”

“Good.”

“I told him he should ask you out.”

There was silence again. Then Virgil asked, “Why?”

“For a couple of reasons, but largely so that he could find out if you liked him back, so we could proceed accordingly from there,” Logan answered, still using the carefully calm tone so as not to unnecessarily agitate Virgil. “If you did not like him back, knowing that would permit Roman to work through his feelings for you, and eventually move on from them.”

“And if I do?” It wasn’t quite a whisper, but it wasn’t anywhere near regular volume either.

“Well, then the three of us could try to work out an arrangement which allows both you and I to date Roman at the same time.”

Virgil glanced again to Roman, who was watching them, quietly hopeful and still. Then he looked back at Logan. “Why would you want me to date your boyfriend? Why would you let me?”

“Well, for one thing, Roman would like it,” Logan said. “In general — and with some caveats, of course, which do not apply here — I approve of things which will increase my boyfriend’s joy. I believe that Roman would enjoy you as a partner, and as I have quite enjoyed you as a friend, I am of the opinion that I would likewise enjoy you as a metamour.”

Virgil didn’t say that he didn’t know that word, but he didn’t have to. Logan explained, 

“A metamour is someone with whom you share a partner. Were you to begin dating Roman, you and I would be metamours.”

Virgil nodded slowly.

“I also have a selfish reason for encouraging you to date Roman,” Logan admitted. “While I thoroughly enjoy his attention, he is an extrovert, whereas I am an introvert. Although Roman does not ‘count’ as much as most people in terms of my social exhaustion, and I find the reward to be more than worth the drain, the fact remains that I am often quite tired after spending the day together. You, meanwhile, are another extrovert, despite your social anxiety. I theorize that if you started to date Roman as well, we would stand a better chance of matching his energy as a team.”

“He does have a lot of energy,” Virgil agreed. He looked at Roman for a long time. Roman looked back with a hopeful expression. Then Virgil asked, still looking at Roman, “Am I allowed to kiss him?”

“Yes,” Logan said. “So long as Roman also agrees to it, you have my permission to kiss him.”

Roman, who had bodily perked up upon hearing Virgil’s question, nodded quickly. Virgil beckoned for him to come closer, and Roman all but scrambled across the room to him, skirting around the coffee table. Virgil stood as he approached, biting his lip.

Roman stepped into Virgil’s bubble. Virgil, head tilted down, lifted his eyes to meet his gaze. Tenderly, Roman brushed a finger along Virgil’s jawbone. “May I give you a kiss?” he asked, nearly in a whisper.

Virgil, who seemed to have stopped breathing, nodded. Roman leaned in, and Virgil tipped his chin up to meet him. Roman brushed his lips against Virgil’s, a mere ghost of a kiss, to give Virgil a chance to change his mind and back away. Virgil didn’t. Roman kissed him harder, though still gentle. Virgil kissed back, awkward and uncertain.

After a few seconds, they pulled apart. Virgil looked down at Logan, who was calmly observing them from the couch.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

Logan nodded. “If you had gone behind my back to begin dating, then I would have indeed been furious,” he said. “But as it is, I am quite happy for both of you. We ought to discuss what boundaries will be in place, so as to avoid hurt down the line, but if the two of you would like to have a makeout session first to resolve your mutual pining, I have no objections.”

Virgil turned back to Roman. Roman grinned.

What followed was not, strictly speaking, making out. However, they kissed long enough for Logan to get up, go to the kitchen, and return before they pulled apart again.

“Do you still think you’re dreaming?” Roman asked.

Virgil shook his head, a soft smile on his lips. Then, suddenly, he froze in place, and his expression turned stricken. “I threw a coaster at your head!”

“It’s okay,” Roman said, but Virgil stood on his toes and put both hands on the back of Roman’s neck to pull him back down to his level. Roman obliged, stooping so that Virgil could look at the place where the coaster had struck.

“Does it still hurt?” he asked, parting Roman’s hair to look for a bruise.

“I’m fine,” Roman insisted. “It only stung for a little bit.”

“Which coaster did you throw?” Logan inquired.

Virgil didn’t even glance away, still prodding at Roman’s scalp in search of an injury. “I dunno, I just hurled the first thing I could grab.”

Logan set the papers he’d fetched on the coffee table, and crossed the room to where the coaster had landed after it bounced off Roman’s head. “It’s the one Patton made us,” he said, turning it over in his hands. “Leather is relatively soft, although I suppose the plastic lacing might count as a hard edge. I would be more concerned if you had thrown a metal or glass one, especially considering the greater mass of the latter, along with its potential to shatter into sharp pieces.”

“See?” Roman said. He shook Virgil’s fingers off and stood upright again, grinning. “I’m fine, Virgil.”

Virgil didn’t seem fully convinced, but he said, “I guess so.”

Roman chuckled. “Besides. It was worth it, for that kiss.”

Virgil blushed, looking down.

Logan came back and picked up his papers again.

“Whatchu got there?” Roman asked. 

“I have the list of boundaries you and I set when we began dating, along with the amendments,” Logan answered, “and some paper and pencils to draft the new version that includes Virgil.” He paused, addressing Virgil next. “That is, if I am not ‘jumping the gun’ — so to speak — and you are indeed willing to become a part of our relationship?”

“I want to at least try it,” Virgil said softly. “What kind of boundaries, though?”

“Ones like, Logan is allowed to kiss me whenever he wants, because I like surprise kisses,” Roman said, “but if I want to kiss Logan, I need to get permission first.”

“However,” Logan chimed in, “within a few months of dating, we were able to adjust the definitions of asking and receiving permission for kisses from exclusively verbal to various methods, including body language.”

“I want to be asked first, too,” Virgil said. “At least for now.”

Roman nodded, and Logan sat down on the couch so that he could use the coffee table to make a note of that.

“Do you want to sit on my lap?” Roman offered. 

“Won’t I squish you?”

“Nope!” Roman sat down and held his arms out for Virgil, who still looked hesitant. “You’re even smaller than Logan,” Roman encouraged gently. “And I can hold him, if he’ll let me. You won’t squish me.”

After a moment more of hesitation, Virgil delicately sat down on Roman’s lap. Roman wrapped both arms around his waist to hold him in place.

“Can I read your list?” Virgil asked Logan.

“Certainly.” Logan handed it over, and Virgil began to read it. After only a moment, he looked up.

“This is very organized.”

Logan grinned. “Thank you.”

After Virgil had finished reading, he asked, “So, what exactly is the plan?”

“Probably make a list like that for you and me,” Roman said, pressing his face happily into the back of Virgil’s shoulder.

“It’s fine if it’s not nearly so neat,” Logan added. “This is the product of a few years of refinement. And of course, the style may be different. I am more than willing to assist as much as you would like, but if you find that another format is more beneficial, obviously you ought to use that instead.”

“Uh,” Virgil said. “This— like this is fine, I think. I wouldn’t know what else to suggest.”

Logan nodded with a smile. “Alright,” he said. “Let me know if you change your mind. Also, in addition to the two of you setting boundaries with each other, we need to look at how the addition of Virgil affects Roman’s and mine, and Virgil, you and I need to discuss boundaries as well.”

Virgil looked surprised. “I’m… not going to be dating you though, right?”

“No, but we are going to be metamours. I expect that there will be plenty of chances to metaphorically step on each other’s toes now that we are both dating Roman, and I would prefer to avoid doing so.”

“Oh. Right. Okay.”

~~~~~

Chapter 4: Spreading the News

[in-tua-deep]

tua s1 rewatch with my roommate

episode one (I forgot for the first episode oops):

I have been treated to pictures of a lovely cosplay of Klaus who won a cosplay contest my roommate was in !!

Klaus putting his arm in front of Five during the funeral fight is good shit

“I have heard like nothing about Vanya” “yeah that’s pretty much how she’s treated in show as well”

“I can see why he’s the fandom favorite” - about Klaus

“Istanbul is in the firST EPISODE?”

I forGOT about the “rapists can climb” line when he breaks into Vanya’s apartment omg but also like,, his dumb arm wound

Episode two:

HERR CARLSON

Aww baby fives first time travel his little smile. Baby. Baby boy. And the dawning horror in the apocalypse baby nO

Five: you got anything stronger

Also five: takes one sip and then fills up more, takes another sip, and then immediately puts it down ?????

The motel dude for hazel and cha cha just looks at them like “yeah these are serial killers” and just rolls with it

Also actually why tf doesn’t the commission spring for better stuff?? Why would they cut costs?? They time travel? They could game the stock market so hard ?????? Give the assassins their own rooms omg

Also why didn’t five like. Crush his tracker. Why did he just leave it whole and intact outside of the Griddys.

Forgot how much I love Agnes

(Oh man it is storming bad here it just BOOMED)

Also idk if Diego actually deserved that taser hmmmmm but also like,, communication lads five was literally right there killing people and Diego is like “hmm something is up here” like. Yeah Diego ur big brother “I can get my sibling in trouble for something” senses are tingling

Wow I really did repress all these Allison and Luther scenes huh. Also it’s still super cute that Allison read Claire moon books

Allison: dads heart gave out, which wasn’t how I was expecting to find out dad had a heart but it tracks

“SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE BEN... said with love 😘”

Did five actually sleep at Vanyas?? The sofa looks undisturbed but he had to wait for work hours to interrogate the meritech people,, five,, please sleep. The whole “IF YOU CALL ME YOUNG MAN ONE MORE TIME” interaction makes more sense with five on. Zero sleep.

I didn’t remember that Patch straight up knows about the umbrella academy oops. Like she clocks Diego as overcompensating for his childhood. Queen

Is that an umbrella adademy Diego cross stitch on Diego’s wall?? Did he buy that? Make it?? Did grace make it?

Vanya, walking into the academy: five??? five? pspspspspsps

Also like. Who was Vanyas therapist??? Clearly they did not help her

Aww the tow truck driver :(

I know the show wants me to dislike Patrick I KNOW,, and I think her fathers funeral is extenuating circumstance?? But still Patrick is valid for not giving an inch regarding his ex who mind controlled his child. Vanya didn’t really deserve Allison snapping at her but like. She had some good points. Allison arguably would have had to deal with vanyas book more than anyone else

Five smiling proudly at Klaus’s drama at meritech bless but also KLAUS DONT BREAK GLASS ON YOURSELF

Me, spotting Leonard: BASTARD

Love how everyone greets Diego in the gym and don’t question all his knives or anything like “yeah that’s Diego he lives here and loves knives :)”

Why could Leonard have not been like. A normal ass guy. Vanya needs friends who sympathize with her holy shit get this person some socialization

Pogo really did have to lead these kids by hand to the recording rooms because literally no one was super invested in reginalds ~murder mystery~

ahafahJAGSJWGAI MY ROOMMATE JUST SAID POGO IS THE BEST CHARACTER SO FAR,,,, I will probably never include pogo in my fics because I do Not Care About Him lmaoooo

Aww five does to see Dolores and being like “it’s been a rough couple of days :(“,,,,, baby,,,, but also tag yourself I’m hazel going “elastic wrist splint yesssssss”

Five I am begging you PLEASE get some sleep

OH FIVE SHAKING DIEGO IN THE APOCALYPSE TO TRY AND WAKE HIM UP OHHHHH OH :(

Episode 3:

my roommate is super faceblind which is an issue bc she identifies people mainly by hairstyle so seeing the s2 stuff on tumblr is tripping her over bc she keeps seeing diego and going ??? who is that again? bc she’s seen his longer hair

okay there is no way that the eggs that grace put in that pan are the ones that ended up on the smiley face breakfast plate,,, but also grace that whole scene was a mood honestly i would be like “okay maybe mom killed dad BUT he deserved it sooooo”

“what the FUCK” - my roommate about cha-cha’s shitty wound care where she holds a curling iron against her arm

i didn’t remember that five got shOT AT THE DEPARTMENT STORE did i just erase that from my memory?? i mean yeah it’s a graze but he stitches it up and then slaps a bandaid on it so he has a wound that needed stitches on his shoulder for the entire show ??????? is he okay???? that would make moving your arm,,, painful,,,,,

a bandaid just slapped over it i’m actively yelling

“Sometimes when I see a million gifs of a show before I watch I get really surprised when they talk but he is exactly what I expected” - my roommate, about five

“I noticed they’ve only really showed diego in really badly lit scenes so far” - my roommate defending her lack of ability to recognize diego

i’m still laughing about pogo literally having to point out the murder tapes and now allison and luther are investigating and just. allison is lowkey defending grace and i’m laughing

“why is he saying woodwork is embarrassing that’s like one of the most middle of the wood hobbies to have. you’re respectable to grandpas who used to carve wooden ducks AND twenty-year-olds who can’t make anything to save their lives” - my roommate on leonard peabody

“i think he’s already crossing some lines he’s met this lady ONCE” - roommate on leonard/vanya

five having flashbacks in the car :(

did allison and luther draw straws for who went to fetch which sibling?? allison was like “dibs on vanya” and luther was just like “aww :(”

five luther and klaus in the van - BOYS NIGHT BOYS NIGHT let’s go pick up diego

“the coat he’s wearing does have a nice swish to it” - roommate about klaus’s coat

luther being like “you’re just as messed up as the rest of us and we’re all you have” like luther,,, baby,,,,, you literally ARE all he has,,,,,, his family is the only thing he’s really cared about since he was thirteen and maybe before then :(

“I can’t tell if those are supposed to be cake or yeast donuts... i think extruded donuts are cake donuts but she said she lets them rise so maybe they’re yeast?” - my roommate focusing on all the things that i do not

sometimes i forget that hazel and cha-cha pretended to be private detectives trying to find a lost child in a potentially dangerous situation,,, five would be disgusted

“she shouldn’t get a vote” “i was gonna say i agree with you” “she should get a vote!!” this is peak sibling energy honestly i think i’ve had that exact interaction with my siblings voting for a movie or something

“hashtag android rights” 

“I want to be the tailor who gets a call one day that says ‘i want you to make clothes for a chimpanzee”

is it telling that only luther in the flashback didn’t really talk to grace at all,, i mean five didn’t either but i think he was gone by that point in the flashback ???? 

wait diego tells grace that she worked for him for thirty years,,, the kids are 29 and later it’s implied she was built bc vanya kept killing nannies when they were like four but maybe s2 clarifies that some more?? or diego just is rounding up

“that’s an interesting fabric to her skirt” - my roommate about grace’s outfit

forgot that hazel and cha cha broke the door to the manor busting in,, do they ever fix that?? we’re only at episode three do they spend the rest of the season with their door open to anyone on the streets

okay that bathtub is WAY too small to allow for klaus to be moving his elbows about like that underwater smh

“how is HE useful on mission??” my roommate about klaus

where is the SECURITY SYSTEM??? luther LITERALLY said that reggie was more paranoid and yet some assassin can just bust down the door and have unrestricted access????? he built a whole ROBOT but no security system????????

“maybe it was like,, practice for the kids? someone breaks in and they take care of it? wait no that doesn’t explain the thirteen years they’ve been gone?”

“why WAS he on the moon?” - about luther

“I want to see what she’s embroidering!!” about grace during the gunfight in the living room she’s absolutely ignoring diego getting shot at

what is a rope-a-dope,,,, diego yells “EVER HEARD OF A ROPE-A-DOPE???” at luther but like. no i haven’t. what does that MEAN diego

aww i forgot they played sinnerman, love that song

“what are you doing dude, rumor has it you’re not shooting at me that’s all you need to do” i mean. the roommate is not wrong. allison could just end the fight with a yell. i understand she’s pissed off and has rumor trauma but like cha cha is actively trying to murder them

how is luther not winning he literally has super strength. does hazel have super strength? just punch the man and knock him out jesus y’all suck at this smh

why is there such intense music we all been knew about luther’s strength - oH HIS BODY

forgot about that

is it allison’s fault that klaus got kidnapped because she didn’t literally just rumor them to give up?? like she literally has that power. she could have been like “i heard a rumor you left and forgot about us” it didn’t even need to be violent?? i understand she has rumor trauma but this i feel is allowable circumstances

diego showing his worry about vanya by getting angry which honestly i think all the siblings do that rip none of these idiots have even heard of healthy communication in their LIVES

you know,, i don’t think vanya can drive. she takes the bus. she took a taxi to leonard’s house. we see her walking a lot. does she know how to drive?? i imagine that the umbrella academy were taught bc of mission related stuff but,,, vanya wasn’t?? that’s just depressing tbh

[cuttlefishkitch]

hello! i haven't talked to you before, but ron said that i could ask you for some advice on writing eds? (i'd like to know things to avoid/common things that could come up in everyday life that would be good to mention/the sort of aids and stuff they'd have maybe?/anything else you think is relevant)

Hi! Sorry this took so long, a combination of ADHD and chronic pain slowed me way the fuck down. Thank you for being patient! 

EDIT: WEIRD HEEL THINGS I FORGOT!!

So, before I get into this I should probably say I technically haven’t been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS for anyone reading) because it’s one of those syndromes that takes forever to get diagnosed with (it took a friend of mine’s mother over 30 years to get dxed). Many doctors, and everyone I know who does have EDS agree with me that it’s probably what causes my chronic joint pain and some of my other chronic issues. But just because three separate doctors have said “Yeah Probably” doesn’t mean I’m diagnosed!! Only a geneticist can do that!! And they had two-three year waitlists BEFORE the apocalypse happened.

I am diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Small Fiber Neuropathy, and potentially misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia (once I get properly tested for EDS I might get undiagnosed with this because I don’t have most of the main symptoms of Fibro, but I got diagnosed with it anyway because it’s what doctors misDX you with when they don’t know what’s wrong with you and don’t want to do more tests).

All that said, I’ve done a lot of research about EDS (mainly because it’s the only thing that explains all my symptoms since doctors seem incapable of doing so), and know a few people who have either confirmed or suspected EDS, so I’ll link to some stuff, talk about the symptoms that often come with EDS, explain how the symptoms I have affect me, because just because someone’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean they aren’t having symptoms, and probs elaborate a bit about writing physical disabilities and chronic pain in general because it’s super important to me! 

So RESOURCES aka how to make sure your post never sees the light of day because you’re linking things and tumblr hates it when people give other people information!!

Youtubers! If you want to know about the day to day of living with EDS or any disability or chronic illness I super suggest finding a youtuber that makes videos about their life. My EDS favorites are

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

Annie Elainey

Amy Lee Fisher

Websites! If you’re asking random folks on tumblr I’m assuming (and hoping) you’ve already done the basic WebMD google searches and looked over the seemingly ridiculous lists of symptoms and related conditions, so here are a few websites that are made more for people than for doctors.

The Ehlers Danlos Society

OhTWIST (That’s Why I’m So Tired)

ChronicPainPartners (the fact that they have an entire section of articles called “Dealing with Doctors” should really tell you something)

Books! If you feel like doing actual reading! I suggest reading books written by people with Ehlers Danlos, to get a feel for how they portray themselves. I’m not saying steal, but it’s probably a good point of comparison to see how your portrayal feels. (haven’t actually read these b/c my ADHD doesn’t let me read)

Ria Ruse by Morgan S. Ray (a superhero book with a disabled super MC!!)

Mysteries of Maybelle by Imani Benfell (Imani is still in high school and has already written and self-published a book cause she didn’t have enough representation for herself how cool is she!!)

Bodies in Motion by Liana Brooks (tw for pregnancy problems and miscarriages in the link, because it’s a blog post talking about integrating EDS symptoms into the story without explicitly naming them as such)

OKAY, now for some rambling about EDS SYMPTOMS!!!

Ehlers Danlos is one monster of a genetic condition in complexity and variety. There are THIRTEEN different identified types of EDS, it often comes with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and/or POTS, and can lead to various other conditions like gastroparesis, chiari malformation, craniocervical instability, and/or bad teeth. So if you’re going to be writing a character with EDS consider what other comorbid conditions they might also have. I’m mainly going to be talking about Hypermobile EDS (hEDS) because it’s what I probably have and what I’m most familiar with. That said there is a lot of overlap in symptoms with the other varieties.

I started typing this section and realized I was going to have to break it down even more so we’re going to talk about Chronic Pain, Unstable Joints (Dislocations and Subluxations), Skin Things, Mobility Issues, and Other Weird Shit and how those things get addressed separately.

Gonna get the Other Weird Shit out of the way first. Because EDS is a malfunction of connective tissue it can fuck up all sorts of random things. For instance, I and many other people w/ hEDS have trouble swallowing. Shit gets stuck in my throat, I sometimes choke on and have to cough up food, and pills can be hard to swallow, which sucks cause I take A Lot Of Pills. If it doesn’t cause full-on gastroparesis it can cause IBS or other digestive problems b/c the digestive tract is mostly made of connective tissue. It can potentially cause heart problems even if they aren’t as big of a risk as in some other forms of EDS. Premature osteoarthritis is common because what you need is more joint pain. And Fatigue OH BOY THE FATIGUE. And of course the headaches, can’t forget those pesky migraines can we!

AND piezogenic papules!! I completely forgot!! Piezogenic papules are little white bumps that appear when you put weight on your heel. In some people they hurt, but in others they don’t. They’re technically tiny little herniations of fat peaking through the fascia in the heel. They were added as part of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS in 2017!

Now for Skin Things cause it’s not as big a thing in hEDS as it is in other forms. Basically, in a lot of forms of EDS, the skin is extra stretchy and extra delicate. It bruises and tears easily, people with the extreme versions of this can accidentally scratch something into an open wound if they aren’t careful. My skin is pretty soft and sensitive, I def have the typical velvety skin, and as is pretty par for the course of someone with hEDS my skin is a little stretchy, and sorta delicate. I’m not as tissue-papery as some people get, but I almost always have at least one mystery bruise or scrape b/c existing is hazardous. Most of scars are also pretty normal, unlike the extremely papery and atrophic scars (though I have a few tiny acne scars that are atrophic) that are common with other kinds of hEDS. Something that I DO have is Lots of Stretch Marks, all over my thighs, and even down to my calves. Which wouldn’t be abnormal, except for the fact that I’ve never been over 145 lbs and I’ve never been pregnant. Having a lot of stretch marks or striations in the skin without due cause happens because the structure of the skin isn’t as strong as it is in people with a normal amount of connective tissue.

I don’t have to worry as much about my skin but people that do are usually very careful with adhesives because they can irritate or tear the skin, which sucks when you need a lot of bandaids cause your darn skin won’t do its job.

Now on to the meatier stuff and since I’m mostly working backward let’s do Mobility Issues!! These can happen in loads of ways, but a lot of what causes these in people with EDS are the other two things I wanna talk about. Unstable joints lead to increased risk of injury when doing stuff people with fully functioning joints can do.

For context, I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk, but a lot of the time it’s better if use a chair. Mine is mostly for my POTS symptoms, but the fact that my legs aren’t also in absolute agony is a big plus. I use a custom manual wheelchair with a SmartDrive (b/c I’m very fucking fortunate and have good insurance) whenever I leave the house and have to be “walking” for more than a few minutes at a time. I can’t fully self-propel in a manual chair because it would be damaging to the joints in my arms and hands, but the smaller chair is easier to maneuver in less than accessible spaces (like almost everywhere). There was about a month-long span where I used a very cheap and very bulky electric chair while I was waiting on the ideal set up I have now. Before that, I also briefly used, and sometimes still use, an up-right posture cane.

People with EDS have widely varying mobility issues because of how uniquely it can manifest. My cane only gave me a little help with balance because if I used it in any prolonged capacity any pain it took away from my legs was relocated to my arms, and as an artist, my arms are more important to me!

If you’re going to write a character with EDS having mobility issues as a result of their EDS the best thing to do is to narrow down their specific needs. Are their knees complete and utter garbage but their shoulders and wrists strong? Maybe they can get away with using a cane. Can they not stand for longer than 5 minutes because of the vertigo from their POTS? Maybe they need a manual wheelchair. Would propelling themself damage their back and arm joints? An electric chair might be necessary! Plenty of people with EDS use all sorts of combinations of these aides to get around their life, consider how your character’s good and bad days would be. Do they have back up plans if they overestimate themselves? There can be a lot to manage, but don’t let it scare you off! Sometimes I try and make it into a resource management game (because I’m a game designer and that’s what I do), to make evaluating my energy and mobility needs more fun!

But now let's tackle some of the reasons those mobility aides might be needed. Unstable Joints.

Ever stepped wrong and rolled your ankle? It hurts for a few steps and then kinda fixes itself, or maybe it bothers you for the rest of the day and you put it up and ice it when you get home? When I was walking around outside my house that would happen AT LEAST once a month, usually more. Some times I’m sitting wrong and when I get up my knee isn’t a knee anymore and decides to just give out from under me. My knuckles are made of unruly popcorn and they Don’t Want To Stay Home!! Oh! And my shoulder is more often out a little out of its socket than it is fully in.

Unstable joints lead to Dislocations and Subluxations of varying intensity, and some people get them more frequently than others. Some can be severe enough to necessitate hospital visits and even surgery, some subluxations are so banal (like my fUCKING SHOULDER) that you just learn to live with the pain.

If a character is going to be in high action, combat-heavy scenarios, chances are they’re going to be popping out joints left and right. Hell, depending on the severity of their joint laxity they could be doing the same sitting at a desk. Again, it’s incredibly varied. I’d suggest setting some sort of baseline for yourself, of what a character’s joints can and can’t stand up to, and maybe do some research on which joints are most likely to pop out in general (hips and shoulders are big culprits being the wacky ball and socket motherfuckers they are). Then maybe have something pop out or hold up every so often when it shouldn’t cause hey! EDS is kinda just like that! Unpredictable!

Some ways people manage joint laxity is with braces, KT tape, and physical therapy. Braces come in many different forms, since I’m currently getting pretty much no treatment for my shitty joints I use mostly compression braces made for sporty people. It really is amazing how much a bit of tight fabric can do to keep my wrist in place.

More specialized braces often have solid parts to prevent the joints from hyper-extending (bending the wrong way) and causing further damage. If you ever see someone with what looks like diamond shaped rings around a bunch of their finger joints, chances are those are Ring Splints, and are there to keep the finger shaped like a finger. I want to get my hands on some and get some on my hands Very Badly, because my fingers hyper-extend SO MUCH when I type, and it makes my hand pain way way worse.

KT tape is another thing people often use. It’s stretchy tape you put on your skin and it basically functions kinda like a second ligament as well as reinforcing the joint and keeping the bones mostly where they’re supposed to be. The problem with this is a lot of people with EDS have very sensitive and fragile skin like I mentioned before, so KT tape can cause allergic reactions, chronic skin irritation, or just straight up take the skin with it when someone goes to remove it. Hence a lot of folks are really careful with it.

Physical Therapy is kinda the best (and only) treatment for joint laxity aside from Very Invasive and sometimes Highly Experimental surgery. It focuses on strengthening the muscles around the joints so they can do the work all those bone ropes made of body glue can’t. The problem is finding a physical therapist that 1) knows what EDS even is, 2) knows you have it, and 3) knows how to treat it without doing stuff that’ll Phucking Hurt You Worse!! Because exercising wrong with EDS can do Permanent Damage!!!

Again most folks use a combination of all of these things, or have next to no access to them b/c healthcare sucks.

Anyway, on to one of my favorite topics, Chronic Pain!! One of the reasons this post took me so long!!!

Chances are if your character has chronic pain as a result of their EDS there are gonna be some things they hate, including stairs, rain, thunderstorms, stairs, hills, uneven terrain, oh and did I mention stairs??? It’s going to vary person to person, but almost everyone I’ve met with pain from EDS has complained about their knees. For me the most debilitating pain is in my fingers and wrists. They’re by far my least stable joints but I use them constantly for stuff like drawing, typing, and sewing.

Because my joint pain is so wide spread, like most people’s with hEDS, it effects every single part of my day to day life. I can’t carry a heavy ceramic plate, open a bottle, or even use my computer without pain. It’s practically impossible for me to get comfortable in any position be it sitting or laying down, and as you can imagine that makes it hard to sleep a lot of the time. Moving too much hurts, but so does sitting still. I’m constantly taking braces on and off or cracking/stretching my joints so they pop back into place and hurt less.

Also being in pain makes everything else That Much Worse. I get tired way faster than I did before my pain was this bad (I had chronic pain for a while before actually realizing it wasn’t normal to not be able to walk down the block without feeling like your foot bones are trying to escape). My sensory issues and anxiety disorder are more easily aggravated because my base level of comfort is way worse. It fucks with my depression. And OH BOY does it make my ADHD worse because being in pain is fucking distracting as hell and makes it harder to make decisions and switch tasks. Also my ADHD often makes my other symptoms worse cause I forget to take my meds, don’t drink enough water, or can’t find my fucking braces because the item eating black-hole that comes with ADHD stole them. The intersection of mental and physical disabilities is probably a rant for another time though, so back to chronic pain.

Does it suck? Yes, undoubtedly. Is this incredibly debilitating? Of course it is, I spent the last several months unable to feed myself without assistance because there was a staircase between my room and the kitchen and I could only manage to climb it once a day. Is it overwhelming? Definitely, I’ve frequently broken down crying from a combination of pain and frustration because I’m having a bad day and there’s no relief to be found. Am I able to predict when it’s going to rain with uncanny accuracy because any change in barometric pressure makes me feel like every bone in my body is trying to kill it’s neighbors? You bet your fucking ass I am!! Does it sometimes make me irritable, angry, and occasionally dismissive of when abled people get cold or a temporary injury because the stuff they’re complaining about is my life every single day and all avenues of treatment and recovery I have could take years and still not entirely solve my issues? Yeah, and while I deserve a little extra patience I also have to be sure to check myself because I don’t want to turn into someone who’s nasty to be around. Do I sometimes need to sleep for 17 hours straight because it’s raining, I have migraine, and I’m in too much pain to be conscious? Yup, sometimes a few days in a row. Does living in constant pain mean I’m unable to do all the things I want to and does that sometimes make me wanna curl up in bed and never leave? Yeah, it happens.

But! And here’s the big important but, that’s not everything! I still write, draw, and talk to my friends!! It might take me a little longer but I get there. I’m still happy and excitable and make the time to write out five page long posts about EDS because it’s something I’m passionate about! My chronic pain doesn’t stop me. I refuse to let it. I never really wanted to go mountain climbing anyway, so I’m perfectly happy being able to make it up and down the six steps in my house, even if sometimes I have to sit and bump down them on my ass, or crawl up them like a cat. Chronic pain isn’t all I am. It isn’t a fate worse than death. It isn’t the only thing your character should talk about (though I do talk about my pain a lot cause I’m a complainer about almost everything). You can have your character be hindered by their pain, realistically they would be. You can have them seek comfort, support, and relief. Other characters can commiserate and be sympathetic, but it doesn’t mean their whole life is going to be one big pity party, that would be incredibly fucking boring. I know I’d be bored out of my mind.

All that said dealing with chronic pain, especially from EDS, is Complicated. Physical Therapy is the gold standard, but like I said before it can be a long and difficult process, and isn’t always accessible. Stabilization methods like I talked about before can help prevent pain, or reduce it by keeping bones mostly where they belong. Heat and cold help joints, relax muscles, and reduce inflammation but keeping them applied is rough and the relief doesn’t always last. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sometimes even anti-epileptic medication to help manage pain, but everyone’s mileage with those varies. And I’m not at all qualified to talk in-depth about narcotics or other heavy duty pain-meds, but suffice to say the war on drugs fucked shit up for people that legit need that kind of help BIG TIME.

Now for my closer/bonus rant about EDS and Disability Writing in General!

Everyone always says write what you know, so if you really want to do disabled people justice, get to know disabled people! Make friends with disabled people, get involved with advocacy groups, consume content made by disabled creators both about disability and not! Disabilities are so fucking diverse, even EDS is such a complex disorder, and comes with so many potential co-morbidities, that practically everyone with it has a unique experience. There’s no way I can fully explain everything in a tumblr post. Hell, even if I could talk to you for hours probably couldn’t give you enough info to answer all your questions (especially since I’m still in diagnosis hell :,) ), so talk to a wide range of people with EDS and other disabilities!! I know it sounds like a lot of work but trust me, disabled people are some of the strongest, raddest, coolest, people you will ever meet that it won’t feel like it.

And don’t be afraid either, the fact that EDS and other disabilities are so wildly varied means that you have a little bit of wiggle room with your character’s experience. There’s so little disability rep out their I think people are WAY to scared to try their hand at writing it. So long as your character is a fully developed person in addition to being disabled, you give some logical thought as to how it would affect their life, and you don’t make their disability the butt of any joke it isn’t difficult to avoid ableist writing. PLEASE WRITE MORE DISABLED PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH CHRONIC PAIN/CHRONIC ILLNESS!!

Okay that’s it, again sorry it took so long for me to get back to you! My fingers were being little pests about it, and my ADHD (which is honestly more disabling than everything else a lot of the time lmao) was being an asshole! Hope this helps, and feel free to ask me more questions if you need clarification! It might take me a bit but I do love talking about this stuff.

[kurayami-no-menba]

Five Bullets

Trigger warnings: murder, (psychological) torture, violence, blood, gore, kidnapping, mention of self harm, guns. Feel free to message me if I should add more.

...And so he turned on the lights. Within a second, 5 twitching and scared, crying bodies, who have had most of their faces covered with bandaids, came back to existence. Bodies, who were trapped inside of his basement, bound to brown wooden chairs, with red comfortable pillows. Bodies, who have been revealed to the boy, whose only desire is to let out his thoughts of vengeance.

"Welcome everyone! I am pleased to say that the five of you have been chosen to face the end of your pathetic actions!"

One person, one round, fuve bullets, five victims, five stories, five ends. "Let's go, shall we? Why don't I just introduce everyone, hmm? It won't even matter, because you will be facing "nothing" soon~! How about we start with...You! You there!"

And this is how his revenge began...

"A little girl with black hair and an annoying voice with her oh so great friends. You were the first one I would ever grow a high sense for disrespect on. And everytime we talked because of anything it always ended up secretly making fun of me. Now that I look back on it, it was quite obvious, but we were like seven or eight, now you would say that it is my fault for believing and trusting you, but now I ask...Is it normal to treat me like an idiot, huh?! Is it normal to call me out for being chilidish you wanna be adult, huh?! Is it normal to fool me because you want to laugh at someone, huh?! You may be beautiful to some, bug your beauty is just as worthless as your personality. And I don't even care what people have told me about an theater and you...You have failed on every level of social intelligence and friendliness..." And he pulled the trigger, and a loud explosion filled the room. The girl and her chair fell over..." 4 bullets left, goodbye you respectless piece of girly trash."

Let's move on to the next one! Hahaha..Your time is running, and we're going clockwise!

Red hair, pale skin and your talent to always be the most unsocial piece of crap. I never really liked you, yet you were at least a mutual, someone who has given me some kind of friendship. But you wouldn't be here if you never messed up with me, you little gangster. I remember the time when we were on the playground and how you made me think I was part of your friendgroup, but this place was just the beginning for the hate that grows and grows in the broken piece of heart I have left. You convinced me that I have comitted a crime and made me cry, but I can see past that now...But I never forgave you for that! Neither do I forgive what you did at that workshop! You grabbed me by my neck and pushed me against the wall, threatening me. The back of my head hitting the wall of bricks. Fear had taken over at that moment. The only thing I remember was that I agreed. Not more, but this doesn't matter...The reason why you are here is just as simple as it is meaningless, well "meaningless", at least it is meaningless for you. Tell me, when I was on the way to my grandparents, what the hell did you think when you suddenly hit me and slapped me ij the face, huh?! Tell me! TELL ME WHY YOU DID THAT! TELL ME RIGHT NOWN YOU PATHETIC WASTE OF POTENTIAL!!!...No wait, I know why! How could I be so blind!...It was because you thought it wouldn't have a consequence, right? Because you thought that I won't hit you back, right? TOO BAD-" The next shot was fired. And it pierced directly through his right half of his ribcage, penetrating the lung, leaving a bleeding and coughing boy, hoping for mercy he shall never receive. In pain and agony, the last bits of consciousness and the last grasp to life have faded away.

"And now the next target of my funny shooting range, and how fitting! You are just in time for my next trick! Heh..I don't really know what has brought you here, so should I let you go? What do you think?", the murderer pointed his tool of moral law execution on the forehead of his next possible victim, slightly touching the skull with the warm metal, "-Should I keep you alive, or should I send you straightaway to hell? I mean..You haven't done anything, right? Except for proving that you don't have an opinion, switch positions for your own good, like a cursed grasshopper, turned from a friend to an unfriendly and unsocial mutual and even became friends with the most inhuman human in my school, who has caused more trouble than anything else. But don't worry, he will also get his punishment. And since his death is more than safe, I am sure-", another shot was fired, and this time, his victim has met his end faster than both the killer and his victim have expected, "-that you will have great company...But I am glad that you all seem to accept your fate! No whining anymore! No asking and hoping for forgiveness or mercy!...Because nobody will receive any of them anymore."

He looked to his right and saw his next victim, walked up to him and pulled the trigger, without even aiming on a specific spot. After the shot echoed through the basement of suffering, the only words for the fourth corpse were "Fuck you, Matthew."

"Nobody can escape from my anger and will for revenge, and especially not you Joshua.."

Joshua was already injured. On his left arm were scars, cut by a very sharp knife, sharp enough to cut through fruits and vegetables with ease. The scars spelled the three letters "OVC". The murderer let out a psychotic laughter and kneeled down to Joshua, forcefully grabbing his chin with his thumb, index- and middle finger. "Somehow you survived my first attack on you, lucky little loser. Ever wondered what those three letters actually mean, my..", he stopped, took a sharp breath through his teeth and finished his sentence with "my friend?", his voiced biased with disgust. "Those three letters..OVC..They stand for "Offender, Victim and Compensation...", he locked the trigger and punched Joshua straight in the face with the iron grip of the gun- "Offender-!", and again, "Victim-!", and he unlocked his firearm again, held it with both hands, concentration and strength, and pointed directly on Joshua's forehead, screaming: "COMPENSATION-!!", and pulled the trigger for one more time. One more time...

The last survivor of this horrible bloodbath was the murderer. After he calmed down for a second, he dropped his weapon and fell on his knees, weeping and crying, his face covered in his hands.

"Haven't you seen this? I never wanted this, but it's too late!!...I was so goddamn nice to you all, but you treated me like a corroded coin, like a damaged dollar! I didn't want this to end this way, but every time you made go further on this path of vengeance..But it is incredible how I almost fit to you all, I had an average or maybe even a good school career, had a few friends online and was about to have some more friends in this outside world! I even stopped thinking about selfharm and tried to leave the past behind but everyday everything just gets more stressful and I can't take any more of this. No matter how much I try to be happy and confident, it feels like the world is putting a knife on my chest and pushes a bit deeper every single day..."

[serenlyss]

Don’t Thank Me Yet Chapter 2

Rating: M (guns, casual murder, torture, violence, ptsd, dissociation, blood, injury) Pairing: ritshou Summary: “Alright then. I’m Shou,” he says, introducing himself more properly this time. “I’m an esper, like you, the first in existence to be forcibly awoken by Claw’s crazy torture machines. They kidnap kids with potential latent psychic powers and break them, over and over, until either their powers emerge or they die. It doesn’t matter either way to them.” His expression hardens as he speaks, clear distaste and outright malice evident in his tone. “I could really use your help here, you know. A partner of sorts, someone to watch my back. What do you say?" Ritsu hesitates. He isn’t a fighter by any means, and the psychic powers now churning beneath his skin are still very new and frightening. It’s all very overwhelming, but Ritsu can’t help but feel a sort of sickening hope at Shou’s promise for revenge. It did have a sort of dark draw to it. In which Claw is a lot worse than they seem and Shigeo isn't able to find his brother after he's kidnapped. Crossposted to AO3: Chapter 2

Chapter 1 // Chapter 3

Here's chapter 2! My idea for the time being is to update every Wednesday if I can, but I'm also doing summer term which means not a lot of writing time left over so those updates may get a bit sparser near the end! At the moment I have almost 5 chapters out of 8 at drafted, so hopefully that will help me have some extra time to make sure everything ends up polished!

Thanks to my beta readers @shutupeleven​ and @soapipia​ for helping me edit this chapter! Your help is much appreciated my friends!

Shou pushes the door of the empty house open with his powers, letting it swing open noisily in front of him. He tightens his grip on the arm around his shoulder, feeling the weight of his partner heavy against his side. His other arm is wrapped around Ritsu’s waist, offering as much physical support as he can. “You still with me, dude?” he asks, making his way over to an old couch in the area of the house that’s been designated the med bay.

He can practically feel Ritsu rolling his eyes at his dramatics as Shou helps him sit down on the couch, wincing as his sore body protests every movement. “I’m not gonna die, Shou, I’m just a little banged up,” Ritsu replies, leaning his head back against the top of the couch with a sigh. “You know I’m more durable than that.”

Shou flashes his friend an amused grin, extending a hand toward a shelf at the back of the room. His red-orange aura appears around his hand and stretches out with an invisible thread to encircle a beat-up cardboard box on the middle shelf, levitating it to his side.

Ritsu carefully shucks off his jacket, which is at this point destroyed beyond repair and covered in his own blood, and discards it to the side of the couch. Shou gives him a quick once-over, taking stock of his injuries. Most of them are clean cuts, inflicted by the window he’d crashed through during their unfortunate brawl. “Guess I’m still not so good at putting up barriers under pressure, huh? Even after all the training you put me through, my reflexes are still slow,” Ritsu sighs.

“It comes with years of practice and muscle memory. You’ve only had a few months to develop your powers, give it some more time,” Shou replies, reaching out a hand to turn over Ritsu’s arm and address the cuts there. Ritsu flinches as his fingers press into a particularly bad cut, earning an apologetic glance from his friend. He continues, “Things got a bit out of hand, anyway. There wasn’t supposed to be a fight, but I guess we weren’t so lucky today.” He reaches deftly for a cloth and dabs an antiseptic solution onto it, pressing it against Ritsu’s cuts. “If everything had gone as planned, we would’ve just killed ‘em all and disappeared, but one of their guys was able to see through my invisibility. Can’t tell you how, but it’s something to keep in mind for the future, I guess.”

Ritsu hisses out a pained breath as the cloth comes into contact with his open wounds, clenching his hand into a fist. Shou continues as though he hadn’t moved at all, and he might have been afraid of coming across apathetic if he isn’t aware of how well Ritsu knows him. “God, that stings. I keep thinking I’ll be used to it next time, but that never happens,” Ritsu grunts, gripping the arm of the chair tightly beside him.

Shou huffs out a short laugh. “Yeah, it never really gets any better, even after years of fighting,” he agrees, gently wiping away the blood that had seeped from Ritsu’s cuts and stained his skin bright red. “Look on the bright side, though: Once these are all healed up in a few days, you’ll have some more badass battle scars to show off!” He flashes Ritsu another lopsided grin, trying to lighten the mood.

“Ah, yeah, I guess espers do heal pretty fast, don’t we?” Ritsu murmurs in response as Shou wraps his arm in clean white bandages, though he doesn’t sound nearly as excited about the scars as Shou does. He already has plenty, after all. He opens and closes his hand experimentally. “My brother’s gonna have a fit when he sees them.”

“It’s one of the perks,” says Shou, moving up to Ritsu’s face now. “You went out shoulder-first, though, so luckily the damage was contained to mostly one arm.” He dabs away a trail of blood that had run down his neck and soaked into the collar of his black shirt, leaving a dark stain behind. “How’re your powers treating you? Feel any better about using them?”

Ritsu hums, closing his eyes for a moment as Shou wipes the cloth over a cut on his forehead. He doesn’t answer right away, and Shou doesn't press him to hurry up. “It still takes me way longer than you to do anything,” he says at last, letting his eyes blink open as Shou moves to push Ritsu’s shaggy hair out of his face with one hand, “but I think I’m getting better at controlling them. I’m still nowhere near as strong as that first night, though. It’s taken a lot of work to get to where I am now.”

Shou nods, pleased. Any progress is good progress, in his eyes. “Well, of course you’re not as good as I am, I’ve had these powers for years,” he replies, tone coming off cocky. “Even though Claw forced them on us, they’re still a part of us, and always have been. Not to mention, they’re good reminders to keep us focused on what we’re fighting against.”

“I could never forget, anyway,” Ritsu says back, voice quiet and grim.

Shou smiles at him, sympathetic, and lets his hand linger on Ritsu’s cheek a moment after he’s removed the cloth from his face. Then he pulls a bandaid out of the box and unwraps it, covering a small but persistently bleeding cut on Ritsu’s forehead. “Yeah, me neither. Still, I am grateful to them for bringing me such a strong and dependable ally. I’ve got Ootsuki and the rest, but they don’t know Claw as intimately as we do. Plus, you’re way smarter than they are.”

Ritsu cracks a small smile at this, and Shou takes it as a victory. Ritsu isn’t nearly as comfortable expressing his thoughts and memories as Shou is, so he sometimes finds himself guessing what words will work as a form of comfort in what situation. “Don’t thank me yet, we haven’t finished what we started,” Ritsu reminds him.

Shou pats his knee to show he’s heard, dropping the stained cloth into a trash can beside the couch. “We’ve come a long way these last few months. Especially you. You’ve changed a lot since the night I found you,” he comments, voice edging on fond.

Ritsu hums, glancing down at his bandaged hand with eyes that stare at something far away from where they are now. It’s not unusual for Ritsu to space out like this, but Shou can’t find himself getting used to the way his gaze fogs over and he falls deathly still and quiet, his soft breathing the only thing rooting him to the living world. He can only imagine what kinds of memories he sinks into when he falls into these moods, if he thinks of anything at all. Ritsu’s unwilling to parse the details of his kidnapping and captivity, subsequent torture, or anything else he experienced in Claw’s awakening lab, and Shou doesn’t want to pry too far, as curious as he is to compare his own experiences against another survivor.

He gives Ritsu a few minutes, moving to address the glass cuts on the bottom of his one bare foot. He’d lost his shoe when the Claw esper had thrown him through the window, and the broken glass had been quick to bite into the soft flesh of his sole. Shou suspects his shoe is probably still back in the base, no one left alive inside to take it for themself. Perhaps Ritsu would be able to retrieve it later, when they inevitably went back to blow the place up entirely. It wouldn’t do to leave it vacant and let Claw send more of their scientists to start work back up again, after all. Shou gently covers his injuries in the same white bandages that now litter Ritsu’s body. The dark-haired boy doesn’t flinch, or acknowledge his existence at all. It’s more than an little worrying when Ritsu falls into trances like this. Once he’s finished bandaging Ritsu’s foot, he decides to break the spell. “Ritsu,” he says, soft and careful.

Ritsu blinks when he hears his name called, knocked out of his reverie by Shou’s curious voice. He’s frozen for a moment, and his eyes dart back and forth as he reorients himself in the present moment. “Sorry, I spaced for a bit there,” he murmurs, reaching up with one hand to push his bangs away from his face. He stares down at his lap, dark lashes hiding his half-lidded eyes. “Did you finish?”

Shou raises an eyebrow at him, faintly amused, and hopes it covers the concern he feels underneath. “Yeah, you’re all good. It’s your turn to do me now,” he says, gesturing to his own bedraggled appearance. He’s not nearly as bad off as Ritsu is, but his hands are cut up and there’s a gash on the back of one of his calves. “What were you thinking about?”

Ritsu lets out a breath, pushing himself to his feet and swapping places with Shou. He doesn’t meet Shou’s gaze, eager to do something with his hands. “Just… stuff,” he replies, and it’s a terrible way to cover up the fact that he’d spiraled into a realm of unpleasant memories.

“Mmhmm, sure,” Shou replies, not convinced in the slightest. He hesitates, wanting to confirm his own suspicions but still conscious of the fact that Ritsu has boundaries that Shou doesn’t, and his traumatic memories are one of the things he doesn’t really talk about. He bites his lip, debating back and forth for a moment before he finally decides to just rip the metaphorical bandaid off. “You were thinking about the night I found you, right?” he asks.

Ritsu freezes for a split-second, not long enough to be noticeable unless you’re really paying attention, like Shou is. Busted. Ritsu chuckles dryly, but there’s no humor in it, and he doesn’t smile, just copies Shou’s earlier actions of wetting a clean cloth with the disinfectant liquid so he can return the favor. Shou rolls up the leg of his pants, granting access to the cut underneath, and doesn't say anything else. He knows that if Ritsu doesn’t want to talk about it, he won’t.

“It happens sometimes. My memories of that night are… foggy,” Ritsu says after a moment, his words carefully chosen. “I remember being locked in this weird pod, and I remember you picking me up in the forest, but in between that it’s just kinda… hazy.” He presses the cloth against Shou’s leg, and Shou squirms, grimacing at the sharp sting that shoots up his calf. Ritsu grasps his ankle with one hand, holding him steady. “Don’t move,” he chastises.

Shou grunts, trying to take his mind off the stinging by focusing on Ritsu’s words. “I’m not surprised. You were exhausted to the point where you could barely stay standing. You’d lost a lot of blood, too, from whatever torture they put you through.” He shakes his head, clenching his teeth at the memory. “I still can’t believe they got those machines to work on someone with your kind of power. Before you, I was the only one.” He huffs out a bitter laugh, glancing away. “The great son of the leader of Claw, the first successful attempt at forcibly awakening a person’s latent psychic power. Can’t say if it was worth the cost, though.”

Ritsu frowns at this, Shou notices, as he tightly bandages his injured calf to keep it from bleeding any further. Shou’s not shy about talking about his own experiences in Claw’s awakening labs, and he bears plenty of scars from his time there, whether it's the singed skin on his back and arms or the thin lines that litter his torso and legs. Memories that will never disappear, etched for eternity into his flesh. He shows his scars proudly. They’re evidence of his ability to survive, to overcome. He takes great pride in recounting the stories of how they got there, stories he embellishes with all the flourish and drama he can muster.

Ritsu isn’t like that, though. He hides his insecurities behind carefully-crafted layers, like the psychic barrier he uses to protect himself from corporeal harm. Going through one would only reveal another, and then another, too many for any one person to break through by force. He covers his scars with gloves and long-sleeved jackets, even in the searing summer heat, even though Shou has seen them all and knows most of the stories behind them.

Ritsu swallows, clearly uncomfortable. He never had enjoyed when Shou brought up his father. “I remember being on the ground when my powers came to me,” he says, and Shou tries to hide his surprise. He’s avoided speaking about anything regarding the awakening lab in the past, unsure if he was ready to face what happened. Perhaps it was just an easier topic than trying to parse Shou’s family trauma. “They’d been torturing me nonstop for two days, trying to get me to break, to force my psychic powers to awaken and protect me. It worked.” He pauses, swallowing thickly. “Shou… back when you found me, the night I broke out of that place, you killed two scientists.”

Shou’s breathing stutters in his chest. He remembers it well, the way he’d shot them to death to keep them away from Ritsu. “Yeah, I did,” he replies, uncertain why Ritsu would bring it up now, a month later.

“You’ve killed a lot of people,” Ritsu continues, eyes still diligently focused on the task at hand.

Shou tenses up. Where is he going with this? “Yeah, I have.”

Ritsu just nods, falling quiet for a moment, as though this isn’t a revelation to him. Shou supposes it probably isn’t. Ritsu isn’t stupid, after all, and he’s see the way Shou handles a gun. Not to mention all the Claw bases they’d demolished in their short partnership.

“I think,” Ritsu begins, wiping away the blood that clings to Shou’s calf and ankle, “that I also killed a lot of people, when I lost control of my power.” He speaks slowly, choosing his words with care. “I don’t remember the details, but I know that some of the people in that lab tried to stop me. It was like I wasn’t even in control of my own body, but I still remember doing it, faintly.” Then, quietly, he adds, “I didn’t want to kill them.”

Shou hums as he listens to Ritsu speak. “You were only protecting yourself,” he says with a frown. “Besides, they deserved what was coming to them. It’s their own fault for getting involved with Claw to begin with.”

“How can you say that so easily?” Ritsu asks, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. “Sure, they were members of Claw, and the stuff they did was terrible. I’m not saying it wasn’t, but they… they were still people, in the end.”

Shou’s frown deepens. “So what?” he snaps, harsher and angrier than he intends. His shoulders lift subconsciously, and he feels suddenly defensive. “They hurt us, Ritsu, really badly. That kind of damage can’t be healed by time or therapy or counseling. It’ll never go away, not ever.” He crosses his arms, drawing into himself when he would normally sit with open posture. “They broke us in a way that can’t be fixed, so I think it’s justified if we break them back. Compared to what they did to us, killing them is mercy.” He scoffs, looking away. “Anyway, it’s not like it matters anymore. They’re already dead, so there’s nothing left to talk about.”

Ritsu doesn’t answer, lips turning down in a disapproving frown. Shou notices belatedly that his hands are shaking. The sight of it sends a little shock of regret down his spine: he hadn’t meant to get defensive. In the four months they’ve stayed together, they haven’t butted heads very often, and the times they did were usually over things so small and trivial that they really didn’t matter in the end.

“Like I said, you were protecting yourself,” Shou mumbles, attempting to backpedal. “That must have been why you were so tired when you finally made it up the hill. Once everything was said and done you could hardly keep yourself standing. Adrenaline, probably.” He feels silly, like he’s rambling, but he’s desperate to change the subject now. “I basically had to carry you to the car, and you fell right asleep as soon as I told you to. Higashio hit a pothole halfway back, but you didn’t even react. You did end up leaning on my shoulder, though, somehow,” Shou says as Ritsu’s finishing up cleaning a cut on the side of his neck. “You slept the whole way back. I was pretty impressed. I had to levitate you all the way to the bed, ‘cause you wouldn’t wake up.”

Ritsu flushes pink as Shou speaks, setting aside the rag and grabbing a long band-aid from the box. His hands stop shaking.

Shou’s surprised to see Ritsu blush, and he can’t help the grin that comes to his face as the sour mood seems to lift a little. “Oh? Are you embarrassed? What’s wrong, Ritsu, you lean on me all the time now!” he teases, grateful for the chance to talk about something less heavy. Teasing is easy, even if the implications of their earlier conversation still hang thick in the air.

“Oh, shut up,” Ritsu retorts, but Shou’s teasing only makes his blush darken. It brings Shou a giddy kind of satisfaction to see Ritsu loosen up a little like this. Ritsu continues, “I don’t remember ever getting in the car. Guess my mind was too overloaded.”

“Trauma can do that to a person,” Shou agrees casually, leaning back on the couch as Ritsu finishes his work. “There’s a ton of stuff I blocked out of my memory growing up.”

Ritsu sighs, sitting up and taking a seat on the couch next to Shou. “That’s not a good thing,” he points out, fixing his dark gray gaze on Shou with a frown. “How do you even know that if you don’t remember what you’ve forgotten?”

“Well, it’s like you said. I remember what happened before and after, but my memory just kinda leaps forward in time. There’s an empty space that I know is there because it doesn’t make sense otherwise, but no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out the missing pieces,” Shou explains with a wave of his hand. “They’re not important memories, though. I can live without them.”

Ritsu just stares at him with that same look, wordlessly telling him that his experience isn’t normal or desirable, as though he doesn’t already know.

Shou gulps, glancing away. Ritsu always has been pretty good at seeing right through him. “You know what they say, ignorance is bliss,” he says, though his words are lacking his usual confidence all of a sudden. Clearing his throat, he shifts in his seat, restless. “Er, was there anything else you wanted me to tell you? I don’t mind, you can ask me whatever you like.”

Ritsu shakes his head. “Ah, that’s okay, thanks. I remember everything that happened afterward,” he replies, but it’s clear to Shou that there’s something there, sitting on the tip of his tongue, barely held back by Ritsu’s unwillingness to step out of his comfort zone.

It’s been four months since they’d first partnered up, and Shou has grown somewhat accustomed to the little habits Ritsu uses to subtly express his emotions, like the way he avoids eye contact when he’s feeling vulnerable, or how he’ll fidget when he’s nervous or contemplative. Right now, he’s doing the former, eyes looking anywhere but at Shou as he piles the first aid equipment back into the box in preparation to store it again.

Shou stands and snaps the box up with his hands before Ritsu can, folding it shut and crossing the few steps over to the shelf at the other end of the room. “If you have something else to ask, you should just ask it,” he says. He doesn’t look back at Ritsu, if only because he knows his friend is less likely to ask if he feels like he’s being stared at.

Ritsu chuckles softly at this, leaning back in his seat. “I’m never going to be able to sneak one past you, am I?” he says.

Shou just shrugs, sliding the box into its place on the middle shelf. “I guess you could say I’ve gotten pretty good at reading you,” he replies, though it’s only somewhat true. Much of Ritsu’s mannerisms and habits are still a mystery to him, especially the ones that stem from his experiences with Claw. “So, what’s on your mind? You know you can talk to me, right?”

“I know,” Ritsu says without hesitation, and it puts some of Shou’s doubts to rest. He takes an audible breath, then asks, “When am I going to be able to see my brother? It’s been four months. He probably thinks I’m still missing, if he doesn’t think I’m dead. I want him to know that I’m safe.”

Shou pauses, his hands hovering on the box’s cut-out handles. For a long, silent moment, he just stands there, hands held in front of him. Then, he turns and walks over to where Ritsu is sitting, crouching in front of him and offering him a rehearsed smile. It’s meant to be reassuring, but Shou’s never been very good at that. “You’ll be able to see him soon, I promise,” he says.

Ritsu must pick up on his false persona, because his eyes narrow, and his lips turn down in a frown. Shou knows immediately that he’s fucked up. Ritsu’s glare is dark and biting, sending a shiver down his spine. Shou forgets sometimes how terrifying Ritsu can be, until that anger is turned on him instead of an enemy.

Ritsu stands up hastily, hands bunching into fists at his sides. “Don’t make me a promise you don’t intend to keep,” he snaps, tone harsh and angry.

Shou flinches, already regretful.

Ritsu pushes his way past him and disappears around a corner, and Shou hears the door of his room close behind him with finality.

Shou lets out a soft groan, leaning his forehead on the couch cushion in defeat. He hadn’t meant it like that. He really does have plans to let Ritsu talk to Shigeo, just… not yet. It’s still dangerous, there’s still a chance that Claw could realize their mistake in mixing them up and go after Shigeo instead, and he really doesn’t want Ritsu’s interference to be the reason Shigeo ends up in the same situation the two of them are in now. He knows that being away from his brother is the thing that Ritsu finds the most undesirable about their arrangement, but he just can’t think of a way for the two of them to meet without jeopardizing one or both of them in the process. Ritsu is too important to their mission, too important to him, to risk him falling into Claw’s grip again.

You’re so selfish, he berates himself, clenching his hands into fists. Ritsu isn’t your pawn, you can’t control him.

Shou has never been one to stifle or repress his own feelings and emotions, and because of this, he can’t deny that he cares for Ritsu in a very personal way. It extends beyond the bounds of their self-determined mission, morphing into a feeling that’s a bit deeper and more potent than he’s willing to delve into with the way things are. He frowns. These are dangerous feelings, distracting and unappreciated. If he lets them run wild without putting a cap on them, he’ll end up doing something he regrets. He can’t afford to let such things interfere with the goal he’s worked toward for more than three years now, so he recognizes them, acknowledges them, buries them. There’s no place for such wants here.

I should apologize, he thinks, pushing himself to his feet slowly. He owes Ritsu an explanation, needs to repair what he’s broken with his careless words. He hopes that Ritsu’s cooled off enough to let him.

He walks to the door in silence, footsteps light, treading on his toes before his heels so his steps don’t echo. It’s a habit he’s picked up from years of sneaking around enemy bases and sabotaging them from the inside. He pauses just outside, listening, but there’s no noise on the other side of the door. He reaches out tentatively, gives the door a little knock with the back of his hand. If Ritsu doesn’t want him there, he won’t answer, and Shou will leave as though he’d never knocked at all.

Luckily for him, Ritsu isn’t so angry that he’s forcing Shou away. “What do you want?” comes his muffled voice, his words ice-cold. It’s an invitation. A harsh one, sure, but it’s better than being outright ignored.

“Can I come in?” Shou asks.

“You can do what you want,” Ritsu replies dismissively. His words are biting, lined with sharp thorns, but Shou can read the quiet consent within them.

Shou lets out a breath he hasn’t realized he’s been holding, cracking the door open and stepping inside. Ritsu’s laying on the dingy bed on his side, facing the wall, and he refuses to look up as Shou enters. Shou can see the angry pout on his lip from across the room, and he might have found it cute if he hadn’t been its target.

He hesitates in the doorway, then moves to the far wall and grabs the folding chair set up in the corner, dragging it over by the bed. He leaves a respectable distance between them as he sits down, clasping his hands in front of him. “I’m sorry,” he says, never one to beat around the bush. “You will see your brother again, I just don’t know if it’s safe yet.”

“You never do,” Ritsu sighs in reply, and it’ll be a lie if Shou says it doesn’t sting. Ritsu shifts onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. His shaggy black bangs flop to the side, showing his forehead. “I know you’re just trying to protect me, but I’m getting restless. My brother’s out there, somewhere, wondering where I am, and I can’t even get a message to him to let him know that I’m even alive. I’m frustrated, and frankly, I’m running out of patience. We’ve been at this for months, and that’s just in the time I’ve been here. You’ve been fighting for over three years, but it feels like nothing’s changed.”

Ritsu’s expressing his feelings, a rare occurrence, but Shou can’t bring himself to appreciate the effort. His heart drops, a ball of worry and anxiety forming deep in his stomach. “Things have changed, though. The number of Claw bases is going down all the time. My father is on his last nerve, I can feel it-”

“How much longer is this going to take, Shou?” Ritsu demands, sitting up and meeting Shou’s gaze for the first time. “Another month? Six months? A year? I don’t… I don’t know if I can go that long without contacting Shigeo, at least.” He crosses his legs on the bed, gaze turning to stare down at his lap, angry, persistent.

Shou’s mouth goes dry, and he feels a rare stab of guilt in his chest. “I don’t know,” he admits, voice soft, and he lets it reflect his feelings of vulnerability and insecurity, if only for a moment. “I feel like it won’t be much longer, but I can’t tell you for sure. I don’t know how much more it’ll take.” He rests his elbows on his knees and lets his face fall into his hands. He swallows, his words heavy on his tongue. “If you’re having second thoughts, it’s okay. I’m not gonna make you stick around, after all. You can go back home whenever you want. I just don’t want you to get hurt,” he admits after a moment of contemplation.

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, he feels a wave of dread come over him. He doesn’t want Ritsu to leave. He wants him to stay his partner, wants them to trust each other. He wants Ritsu to be there when he finally shoves it in his dad’s face that he was wrong all along about world domination, but he can’t make him go along with it if he doesn’t want to.

Ritsu turns to him with wide eyes, momentarily shocked into silence, then his expression softens some and he says, “I’m not gonna leave, Shou.”

Shou looks up, catching Ritsu’s gray-eyed gaze for a moment before his friend looks away again. Ritsu fiddles with the edge of his sleeve, agitated. “I just… really miss my brother. I don’t want him to worry about me the way I worry about him.” He runs his fingers over the scars on one hand, marks and lines that Shou knows intimately, because he’d tended them when they were fresh. Ritsu runs his fingers over them, and says, “You’re my best friend, Shou, my partner, and I’m not going to abandon you. My brother is going to need me, but you need me, too. I’ll just have to come up with a safe way to contact him without alerting Claw, that’s all.”

Shou can’t help but let out a laugh, breathy and relieved, and the tension he’s been feeling melts away a little. “Yeah, alright. If anyone can figure it out, you can,” he says. It comes across a bit fonder than he intends, but there’s nothing he can do about it once it’s left his mouth. “Thanks for sticking by me, Ritsu. I know I’m not a very good friend, and I kinda suck at relationships in general, but it really means a lot that you have my back,” he adds, genuinely happy that Ritsu won’t be going away after all.

Shou catches the beginning of a blush on Ritsu’s cheeks as he glances away, hiding his face from Shou in a familiar way. “Don’t thank me yet,” he reminds him with a little smile. Shou knows he’s been forgiven.

Ritsu opens his mouth to say something else, but before he can, there’s a knock on the door. “Come in,” he says instead, turning toward the door.

Higashio opens the door, stepping into the threshold. “We’ve located a Claw base about thirty miles outside Seasoning City,” he says, all business. “We’ve confirmed its location after following an unmarked vehicle there. We’re ready to strike at any time, leader.”

Shou and Ritsu exchange a knowing look. There’s really no debating it. Shou turns back to Higashio and grins, feeling a familiar anticipation building up in him. He stands up, and Ritsu follows at his side.

“Let’s not waste time, then.”

[wendynerdwrites]

You ever getting your fandom site back?

I doubt I will under that domain. The conditions they wanted me to agree to were insane— I wasn’t allowed to post anything that might “compete” with them for six months (so, you know, post anything fandom related), wasn’t allowed to talk about anything related to their new site (keep in mind that they lifted and reposted nearly all of the fandom following content to their new site).

Even more insulting, I wasn’t allowed to “contact” certain people (it was worded vaguely enough that for all I know, liking someone’s post on tumblr could be considered “contact”). Basically, the moment our owner (the one who helped Kylie, Julia and I set up the site and is now the owner of Fandomentals) informed me of what they were doing, I had the gall to ask, you know, why (I still don’t have an answer on that). She tried to tell me that Kylie and Julie were behind the decision, I mentioned that I’d ask them, then. She immediately accused me of “harassing” people for wanting to you know, call or text them asking why I was suddenly being thrown out on my ass. People I’ve been calling/texting, and allegedly someone they counted as a friend…. Up until the morning they decided to screw me over. Literally, all I had done was call Kori (after she texted me at work to “rip off the bandaid”, in her words) and ask what was going on and why. No harsh language. No yelling. Sad tears, but nothing that could even remotely be considered “harassment”. I mean, FFS, this woman and I had been friends for two years at this point, been having phone calls throughout this time, launched a business together. We were even writing a book together (which I had presented as what would be my graduate thesis for my Masters, which she knew. So, you know, I had a lot of reasons to want to know what x, y, and z was and why.) I messaged Kylie and Julia on gchat (our usual mode of communication). Kylie promised me an explanation after she got back from Thanksgiving in a week, and I accepted that. Then she claimed she couldn’t say anything for “legal reasons” and that the decision was Kori’s (who said the decision was Kylie and Julia’s). Also, when I learned what was happening, I sent a couple messages to some contributors asking if they’d like to be editors for the site that I would supposedly be granted “by January”. When they declined, I dropped that. I also found out they tried to block me from the staff facebook group AND the site main email account, and were misleading our writers to think I was just bowing out because I didn’t want to work on the site anymore (I found this out because a number of very confused contributors were forwarding me their emails and asking wtf was going on.) I didn’t get any word about the domain transfer in January (keep in mind that the hosting fees were paid up only until then). So basically, they went out of their way to gaslight the shit out of me on this and insist that if I so much as asked for a REASON why all this was happening, it was “harassment”. I sent messages and emails to Kori, who was supposed to be sending me the transfer paperwork. She told me there was a delay, and to ONLY contact her through email. So I did. Not until LATE FEBRUARY did I get anything… By that point, it was that contract that was basically a gag order and an implied accusation of harassment (and yes, I do have the receipts on this to prove that this was ANYTHING BUT true. I’m sure certain people will gladly claim that I probably TOTALLY DID [especially certain people with absurd fixations with me, who like to pretend they know ANYTHING about the goings-on of the website, and who have also been happily telling newcomers in the fandom that I’ve been “kicked off several sites for bullying”. Literally, they’ve been telling people this shit. I’ve never been so much as had a post flagged. So yeah, certain lovely “anti-bullies” have been telling newcomers to the fandom that literally one of the worst things that has ever happened to me, where I was treated like shit was me “getting kicked off several sites for bullying”. So that’s fun. I don’t think I need to specify who I’m talking about, but these are people who literally never had anything to do with the site, aside for one who inquired about possibly writing for us, and just generally attacking/sabotaging any project I’m involved with, including one lovely time they implied I was a rape apologist AND soft on Nazi sympathizing all in one post. I’m a Jewish Sexual Assault Survivor, btw. But remember, they’re just trying to prevent bullying. Which is why they’ve written thousands of words about what a terrible person I am and basically had little blog parties when I was weeping buckets over this shitty, shitty thing that happened to me. Because they’re such fine people. One of whom who gladly admitted that she basically made a hobby out of hating on me. And after stirring up a shitstorm, she said “I will not apologize for making an educated guess” about the last super-drama BS she and her friends were accusing me of.] Meanwhile, my ex-partners were trying to lock me out of email accounts that I’d paid for/set up, and posting advertisements for their new site on fandomfollowing’s social media despite their promises that the social media accounts, site, and domain would TOTALLY be transferred to me. “By January” “By mid January” “By late January” etc), basically putting me in a position where, if I signed it, I could end up tripping over into a lawsuit by so much as liking a post on tumblr. I sent the contract to some friends and relatives who are lawyers, and everyone said the same thing: DO NOT FUCKING SIGN THIS. DROP THIS NOW.

TBH, I really do intend to launch something new, akin to Fandom Following, but nothing that can be tied to them, and with people I can be a bit more sure of. Part of my issue is that after what happened is that since, my trust issues are… considerable. Not just in terms of trusting others, but also me trying to be better than the people I worked with before, and securing protections for other potential partners that I never got from my old “buddies” up front, so that I can show that they can trust me. The problem with THAT is that it costs time, money, and resources to secure those things which I’m having trouble acquiring in full (there’s only so much I can ask in terms of free legal help from those close to me. And I’m certainly not going to use up what I can ask of them if I need their help later on). But yeah, I do straight up have a bajillion issues trusting people enough to launch a whole new site with them right now (also, it’s just not a good time in terms of RL).

I’ll probably never get Fandom Following back, but I’m not exactly out of the picture, and I hope to get something significant going within the next year or so. I’ll also admit that my tumblr getting randomly deleted (along with quite a bit of other content, writing, etc courtesy of some hacking that happened that also involved all of the contents of my google account getting deleted and money being taken from my accounts) was a big setback. I’ve recovered about 15% of the followers I had before, and let’s face it, if you want to launch something significant (when most of your pro writing credits are now relegated to caches), you do need more than 420 followers coming with you. I had thousands of followers when FF launched, and had partners with thousands of their own, and those people did come with us (because most people are awesome). But I don’t have that same pull now. I have some awesome friends, none who I would want to drag into a business venture unless I can assure them of the proper security I think they deserve. And until I can, well….

[suzu-life]

The Struggle

It’s been almost 5 months since my world got turned upside down. Yet it’s only in the past few days that I’ve properly tried to cope.

It was too much in the end for Bao and I. Our stalemate could not be helped and we had to make the call to end any chance we had for any form of relationship. 

It was so sad to have to say goodbye. No more back and fourth, no more being unsure. This time we both knew this would be it. For the last time I lay in my Bao’s arms and listened to his heartbeat. For the last time I looked into his eyes I told him I loved him. And it absolutely broke me.

2 days later and it’s so hard to function. Every second of the day is a struggle not to pick up the phone to contact him or drive to his place and tell him it’s ok we can figure it out. I’ll do anything for us to be together. I do whatever I can to avoid it. Drinking, contacting friends and cleaning. 

I feel a little disappointed in the both of us. On his part he said all I had to do was let go of someone and he’d fight for us. But I couldn’t because what Bao doesn’t realise is that if we tried to make this work I would be cutting off a whole bunch of support lines that have helped me through so much these few months. 

From my end Bao’s never given me a reason to believe we could work it out. He’s always demanding that I admit I was wrong and agree with EXACTLY his version of events. It’s hard to even believe he wants to be with me when it seems he just wants me to pay and be punished for hurting him. I don’t understand why he would want us to work this out if he feels this way. He’s so focused on everything he’s done and how much he was wronged that he doesn’t see me here. Right here. Doing my best. If we got back together we’d be working on healing his heart and putting me through the ropes to get him the closure he wants meanwhile discarding my issues and my struggles. I would feel alone again.

I’m not strong enough to do that for him right now. My therapist said I was on the verge of being hospitalised and it was important that I had a good bunch of people supporting me. Bao has made it clear that he can’t be there for me whilst I sort out my mental state. I can’t cut off my support to be with Bao who won’t be there for me. It would make me spiral into despair. Sometimes I wonder if Bao realises how bad a state I’m in and how much it hurts that he’s not here to hold me. I always wanted it to be him there. He always knew how to make me feel safe just by holding me. Even though I have a great bunch of people by my side I’m always looking for Bao. 

It would have been so easy. I found my Bao again in Japan and when we got back he began to spend time with me and treat me like his wife again. That’s all it would have taken. Showing me a bit of trust again and hanging out like old times. It would have been enough for me to believe he could support me and do whatever was necessary to give us a go. He has all the advantages being the fact that we have a beautiful daughter together and he lives 5 minutes away from me. I even started letting go and accepting the fact that he’d been with her. But then I lost my Bao forever when his resentment came out and the focus all went on him and what he felt. Instead of telling me what I did wrong, putting up resistance and isolating me I’ve found in the past that if you show love people will realise in their own time and come around. I would have come around eventually just from seeing him try a little. Wouldn’t it be better if the person made the decision on their own instead of being pressured? All I needed was time. I was already starting to realise my true feelings.

I think in order to get through this I may have to move further away. It’s too hard. My rented lease finishes in 2 months. I am strongly considering finding another place to live despite me loving this apartment so much. There’s nothing here for me anymore. 

I’m worried about my daughter too. Bao mentioned that her development has been affected by our separation. I would do anything to fix that. Even be a family again and put up with the shit storm that would come my way. I hope it will improve but I will continue to do my best to show her she is loved and cared for.

I’m proud of myself though. Even though each day is painful I’m finally learning to mourn a relationship. No bandaids or bad choices. It’s weird because I’ve found this time that even potentially having a new relationship isn’t going help me heal. I don’t even want to be in a relationship with people right now. Not when I’m still so hung up on Bao. 

It’s so hard. Because I love him so much and just want to be with him. But I’m scared because it seems that he doesn’t give me what I need to feel secure in a relationship or feel good about myself. Also with our own struggles we’re not good for  each other. But the feelings are still there. I could find 10 guys that could give me what I need but I’ll never feel for them as strongly as I feel about my ex-husband. And that’s the truth. We may have been lacking but he cared about me so much and in recent months we realised that what we were missing we could develop....but it seems it’s too late. 

One day at a time.

I’ll get there eventually.

My heart is bleeding but I must stay strong.