#am i the only one who remembers the version of that quest where they said arlecchino wasn't a harbinger yet?

[koishikei]

as a matter of integrity, i do not like arlecchino

that doesn't change the fact that my spouse had the funniest explanation for the gender change:

"they waited so long to reveal her that she transitioned."

[felassan]

David Gaider on Shale, under a cut for length:

"Oops! I realized I'd moved on from DAO but missed one of the companions I'd written. Which checks out, honestly, because I almost didn't write Shale and, even after I'd written her, she almost didn't happen anyhow. Then she did. Prepare yourself for... PIGEON QUEST. 🦤 So... I'm wracking my brain, but I don't recall how Shale began. I have this vague memory of us wanting a "weird" party member who didn't conform to the normal classes (this was back when Dog didn't need to be in the party), and I think my mind drifted to an old indie comic character named Concrete."

"Now, your reaction to that is probably "who?" That's OK. When I explain that HK-47 in KotOR was inspired by an old Canadian TV show called the Littlest Hobo I get the same perplexed response. 😅 In short: Concrete was just a regular dude. Who happened to also be a walking hulk of rock. Cue hi-jinx. The problem here is I don't remember whether the Concrete thing was part of the original inspiration or something I thought of at the point when I started writing the character. Because I didn't, at first. That was later. Shale was initially taken on by Jay Turner, then one of our junior writers. Jay had an idea to make Shale more of a robot, an emotionless automoton killer... think HK-47, but without the layer of sarcasm. I was leery, and told Jay he'd have to be very careful. "Emotionless" can very quickly turn into "boring", after all, unless you're VERY careful. But Jay was determined. Sigh. This was a fail on my part, as his lead. There's been a couple of times in my career when I've let a junior convince me with their enthusiasm to take on something my experience said they shouldn't. And then watch their confidence crumble despite every effort I made to reassure them it was OK. This was one of those times. Jay, no idea if you'll read this but: I'm sorry. Even an experienced writer would have found that a daunting challenge. Tonia, my other Big Fail on a similar situation in DAI: I'm sorry. Both times, I should have known. You did your best, but I set you up to fail. 😔"

"Jay did his best, and this version of Shale was certainly interesting... but, when he was done, it was one of those peer reviews where every writer had that look of "I'm REALLY sorry to say this..." It felt flat. Jay tried numerous revisions, but the issue wasn't his ability - it was the concept. I only allowed my writers a certain number of tries before I take it away. This hearkens back to an earlier time at Bio when writers would hack away at something that wasn't working 6, 7, 8 times or more until finally their soul was dust. Mike Laidlaw can attest. Revision isn't always the answer. So I moved (a much relieved, I think) Jay onto something else, and the question arose: what do we do with Shale? Do we cut it? It was already very late. Then Shale dropped in my lap. I don't remember if it was me refusing to let it go or maybe Brent (Knowles, Creative Director) giving it to me. I suspect it was the latter, because I recall being a bit bitter about the whole thing. WHAT am I going to do with this character? At the time, they'd moved me out of the writers pit to instead be in a big office with the other leads. I had this corner desk by a window (yay) with an awful view (ugh) What was so awful about it? It looked out onto the neighbouring roof, where there was only an HVAC unit to see. In the winter, pigeons would gather around it. They pooped all over everything - there was this alcove around the access door, right? The pigeons roosted there and it was POOP FAUCET city."

"Not only that, the pigeons used the HVAC like some kind of sex den. Angry, ugly pigeon sex. The only respite was when a hawk would appear and the pigeons scattered. Then I'd get maybe a day when there was a single pigeon corpse, like an exploded ball of down, to act as a scarecrow. Good days, those. What does any of this have to do with Shale? Well, there's me, staring out the window trying desperately to think what I'm going to do. But I CAN'T stare out the window because, gross. But what else am I going to stare at while I think? It was making me furious. I hated those pigeons SO SO MUCH. And then it hit me: Shale is basically an animated statue, right? Something that pigeons are rather notorious for also gathering on? And so I wrote. I wrote like the angry, angry wind. I had zero time to do this so it was basically me vomiting all my annoyance at everything into a single character. Not that it helped much. There was a battle going on over Shale - first, as I recall, it was the art team. They were going to make every doorway in the game EXTRA HUGE because they were worried that Shale was too large and might clip. So, yes, let's alter the whole world to fix that. Good idea. 🙃 Eventually, they compromised by making Shale smaller. Sten-sized. Or Brent went Akira mode, but I don't really know. This was a battle happening above my level. Yet Shale got cut anyhow. There wasn't time to do her abilities and we were short on cinematics time. There was never enough time on DAO."

""Oh well," I thought. "That's that." I did what I could, but cut content is almost never resurrected. The idea was floated of making Shale into a DLC but I scoffed. Yeah, right! But... it happened. That's why the "almost" is there. Enough of the team liked Shale they made it happen this one time. This meant I could finish up the writing once we'd more or less wrapped DAO, and the rest of the team (cinematics, in particular, who were pressed the hardest for time) could move onto the Shale DLC once they were ready. It was supposed to come out well after release, but you know. Shenanigans. This particular shenanigan was EA deciding to sit on the finished DAO a few months in order to delay the release. Why? Again, not my level. To get closer to Christmas, maybe, or maybe for sim ship. It did mean Shale ended up being ready for release day. Unexpected confluence of events, honestly. Cue some fans getting upset that "cut content" was sold to them separately, which... fair, I guess? The alternative would have been that Shale was simply cut, period, and it just worked out this way but... yes, fair. This was back when DLC was the main beef of hardcore gamers. Oh, the good old days. Overall? I have a soft spot for Shale. She has no soft spot for anyone, being... you know... made of rock. It's why I put her in Asunder, and why she was also going to be in the - apparently now notorious for its Fenris murder - cancelled fourth DA novel. Also, if you're a pigeon fan: not sorry. 😇"

[source thread]

[norahastuff]

There’s a lot to like about The Winchesters, but I think one of the reasons it hits so hard for me is that it solves my biggest problem with the finale. Personally, I don’t have a problem with tragic endings. The season 5 finale of Spn has a tragic ending, and I think it’s a wonderful feat of storytelling. Aside from the fact that 15x20 tried to pretend it wasn’t tragic and tried to make it seem like Sam and Dean standing alone on a bridge in Heaven was a happy ending, what I hated most about the finale was they had to flatten Dean into a two-dimensional caricature of himself to do it. Aside from maybe the revelation that Dean stood outside Sam’s apartment at Stanford for hours trying to psych himself up to go in because he was nervous Sam would turn him away, there was no moment in the episode that Dean felt like the complex, nuanced character we had come to know and love over the past 15 seasons. He had no desires or characterisation beyond pie, car and Sammy. There was no sign of all the growth we’ve seen from him, no hint of his own needs, wants or sense of self. I mean, he wasn’t even allowed to interact with his own heaven before Sam showed up. Even after his death, he was never allowed to have anything that was just his. 

Look, I’ve said all this a hundred times before – if you look at my 15x20 tag, it’s basically just this sentiment repeated over and over again – so why am I saying it again now? Well, because The Winchesters is fixing that. The mission Dean is on is all his. It’s not about Sam, or pie or whatever surface level bullshit that finale tried to boil Dean down to. He’s going back to the past, he’s meddling in something insane because he sees value in it, and in the process going on a journey to understand himself better. His narration makes it pretty clear that through this quest he’s learning to contextualise his own life and feelings better. The past presents the future, after all (full disclosure, that’s an Ugly Betty episode title that I just really loved and use far too often in casual conversation), and one of the biggest hang ups in Dean’s life was that he was given this mythologised version of events and expected to believe them. Mary was this perfect saintly mother who sat at home baking cookies all day before she was brutally, and through no fault of her own, ripped away from them. John was the perfect mild-mannered husband and father who only slid into anger and obsession after he lost his perfect wife. 

Eventually Dean realises that none of that is true. Mary couldn’t cook. She was a hunter. She was involved in the circumstances that brought about her own death. She was a complicated person, and in the end he got the chance to see that knowing the real her, flaws and all, was infinitely superior to believing the white-washed fairytale about the perfect martyr that John created after she died. There’s also the fact that John was never the perfect husband or father, even before Mary’s death. We get maybe one reference to that in Spn, how in Dean’s heaven in season 5 he remembers John and Mary fighting and John moving out for a few days, but not much else. The focus is very much on how John turned into a neglectful parent and an angry man after Mary’s death. But The Winchesters is working hard to dispel that lie. John always had this anger in him. Mary even calls him out multiple times on how he’s using her and their relationship as an excuse to avoid his issues. She straight up uses those words. There are also references to how raising your kids to be soldiers and being their drill sergeant rather than their parent is one of the worst things a parent can do to their child. 

Anyway, as interesting as it is to see all these things addressed in the Spn universe, what’s so damn satisfying is seeing Dean realise it. Dean’s on a mission to learn more about his past. To understand that our parents and where we come from shapes and moulds the people we become, but it doesn’t have to define us forever if we don’t let it. By accepting his past and finding out the truth about who his parents truly were, he can accept himself and move forward, free of whatever baggage that had been dragging him down for so much of his life.

And the greatest part about all of this, is that Dean’s the one driving this story. It’s not God, or his father or even his duty to take care of Sam which dictated so much of his life and his choices before. This is about Dean’s choices and who he is as a person and what he wants. It’s funny because as little as we saw John Winchester in season 1 of Spn, he was very much the spectre hanging over the story, and the search to find him is what drove much of the plot throughout the season. Much of what his sons were doing was in reaction to him. And now in The Winchesters, Dean himself is the spectre that’s been hanging over the season. He’s the one making the big moves and steering the action. He’s the one everyone, friend and foe alike, is looking for. He’s the one who gave John the note and put this whole thing into motion. After the ending of Spn took away so much of his agency and everything that makes Dean Dean, he’s finally getting it back and then some.

I’m excited to see how the season’s going to end, but I’ll forever be happy that this show gave us Dean being his own person again. He’s the one picking the music this time.

[abigailnussbaum]

Lower Decks, "Fissure Quest": Scattered Thoughts

As someone who has had a complicated relationship with Lower Decks precisely because of how rooted it is in references, fanservice, and callbacks, you'd think this episode would be my Kryptonite. But you know what, I'm going to let them have it. One episode from the (thoroughly unjustified; this show could have run another five years, easy) end, I don't think it's fair to complain about Lower Decks being Lower Decks. And while I didn't unreservedly love this story (more on that below) I actually found the complete immersion in references (while leaving "our" main characters offscreen) more tolerable than a lot of episodes that center around how these new Star Trek characters just happen to be Star Trek fans.

(Also, I'm holding out hope that, having gotten the fanservice component of the show out of their system in the first half of the two-parter, the Lower Decks writers will end their show by telling a Lower Decks story, about the Lower Decks characters being heroes in their own right. We shall see.)

Obviously the fandom focus is going to be on canon(-ish) Garak/Bashir (and it is rather clever how the episode manages to have its cake and eat it on this front, distancing these versions of the characters enough from the originals that if this ship isn't your cup of tea it doesn't have to color the baseline story). But to me the most important choice in the episode is T'Pol. I was talking just recently about how screwed-over this character was - not just by the Enterprise writers' sexism, but by a backlash against Vulcans that spread through DS9, Voyager, and Enterprise in the late 90s/early 00s, and which Lower Decks has been at the forefront of addressing (Discovery and SNW have, in comparison, been rather wobbly on this front). T'Pol, and Jolene Blalock, have for a long time deserved the kind of redemption Seven of Nine has gotten, and hopefully "Fissure Quest" isn't the full extent of it.

(One complicating factor is that Blalock has left acting - she apparently goes by her married name these days, and is credited only as "Jolene" in the episode credits. This might complicate a potential guest appearance on SNW, for example.)

Another thing I liked is that this episode functions as a redemption for William Boimler without going too hard on this point. He's still fundamentally different from our Boimler in not-terribly-likable ways, but he gets to save the day and to behave like a real officer and captain, without becoming just another copy of OG Boimler. I also appreciated that all this is achieved while keeping the Section 31 of it all to a minimum. Boimler is still working for them, as evidenced by his badge (can we pause for a moment to contemplate how nonsensical the idea that Section 31 have their own uniforms and badge design is?), but their name isn't even mentioned, which I am taking as an indication that the Lower Decks writers agree with me about the misguidedness of this whole concept.

(Also good: a sciency, risk-averse Mariner who nevertheless rises to the occasion and saves the day.)

And having said all that, here comes the complaint: I am largely on W. Boimler's side on the whole matter of the multiverse, and when he went into his rant about how it's all just eye-catching variations on familiar things without any substance to back them up, I wanted to stand up and cheer. Until, that is, I remembered that this opinion was being voiced by a character who is a) a villain, and b) in the grips of depression. The fact that the opposing view is expressed by Lily motherfucking Sloane is, I think, a pretty solid indication of what side the episode wants us to come down on, but I remain unconvinced. It would be nice if multiverse stories were about exploring endless possibility and, through that exploration, learning more about where you started from. But most of them are just about putting a new hat on a familiar character and getting excited over the hat.

Which I think the episode itself mostly bears out. Boimler's crew are all fun and cute, but none of them go very deep into the characters or stories they're riffing off. Garak and Bashir are together simply so fans can have the visual or them as a cute married couple, not as a result of any attempt to grapple with how these two complicated, flawed characters might actually end up in a romantic relationship (or, for that matter, with the fact that Garak ends DS9 in a quasi-suicidal state). T'Pol deserves her more generous, more serious story, but it's telling that this story (she's best friends with Curzon Dax!) feels almost random, a reminder that what Enterprise did with her - stripping her naked, insulting her Vulcanness, and killing her loved ones - doesn't lend itself to a continuation that is worth following. And the Harry Kim gag does nothing to address, and in fact tries to make a virtue out of, the stasis that character was held in for seven seasons of Voyager. I don't want to ding the episode too hard, because I did end up enjoying it. But the conclusion I take away from it is that if you want to really explore a character, especially one who has been overlooked, you're much better off doing what Picard did with Seven of Nine, moving forward from where they left off while giving them more serious consideration, rather than just cycling through a bunch of different variations on them.

Finally, does anyone else think that Curzon Dax was originally meant to be Jadzia Dax, and things just didn't work out with Terry Farrell? Given how every other crewmember is someone who was screwed over by the narrative or the writers, or just something the fans have long wanted to see, the choice of Curzon seems to stick out. A Jadzia Dax who wasn't killed by Dukat (and an opportunity for Farrell to come back to Star Trek after the bad blood of her departure from DS9) feels much closer to the "fan wish fulfillment" ethos that seems to have been this episode's brief.

[panakinthedisco]

As the world lay in shambles by the sudden outbreak of a disease called cordyceps brain infection, society is broken, the government is on the rubble where a world became lawless and violent. But even chaos is prevalent, some are persistent to find a vaccine, though it is deemed impossible and hopeless due to the overwhelming mutation.

Kannika Suriya-Neuman, the only child of two known Medical professors took part with the cause - becoming the first pioneers who tried to find the vaccine, ten years after the outbreak. With her parents, Phillip Neuman and Anna Suriya, the tumultuous journey to find a cure becomes, metaphorically speaking, the search for a holy grail that can end the virus once and for all. Their team that consisted of surviving doctors and medicine majors from different prestigious universities across America took part in a seemingly impossible cause.

Even though there is progress, a group of syndicates that are formed has other things in mind. For years living in a world without law or governance, the idea to take power in a lawless country will be gone if a vaccine is created. The Citadel whose ideology is protecting the society they created is now in a threat to the vaccine so they did the unthinkable, pulverize the whole operation.

By the massacre of Kannika's colleagues along with her mother who sacrificed her life by saving people, the search for the cure becomes thin up until a revolutionary group by the name The Fireflies steps in to protect the remaining survivors.

But the quest of the cure becomes hopeless for another ten years. Kannika, now thirty eight years old, is beginning to believe that the world she's living in is going to rot along with the decaying corpses of the clickers and runners. Until, Marlene, one of The Fireflies, tells her about a young girl who might be the answer to the prolonged cure.

Hope begins to shine in the horizon as Kannika sets the journey to find the young girl who is said to be immune from the virus. In between crossroads and that small hope that she hid in her heart, a man with a cold heart comes to her with tenderness and begs to be indulged by that love that he couldn't even remember. Kannika finds herself with Joel Miller, a man whose life is enveloped in regrets and sadness. But Kannika is in thin ice as Joel would take a bullet for the young girl that he grows to love as his own child.

A child over the future of many generations.

While for Kannika with a gun in her hand pointing to her lover, she silently hopes from the darkest corner of her mind that Joel should've pulled the trigger.

pairings: joel miller x original character / original characters x canon characters

warnings: major character deaths (oop!), smut, violence, brief mentions of SA (will state in the chapter) and gore.

author's notes: this is a slowburn romance for kannika and joel. also, as much i want to make this as a reader x joel, kannika neuman has a special in my heart soooooo sorry y'all! this fic will stick to some parts of the canon (series and video game) but act one and act two is full canon divergence. basically making my own lore.

other notes: most of the graphics of this fic are made by me unless its stated.

translated version/s: i've got a spanish translation for this fic in wattpad. you can check it out in here [CLICK HERE]

collateral damage gif banner: made by @alderaandors <3

AVAILABLE ON WATTPAD & AO3

ACT ONE | INFERNO (sets in ten years after outbreak)

001 . . . . fungi

002 . . . . sense of normalcy

003 . . . . happy anniversary!

004 . . . . breaking dawn

005 . . . . the holy grail

006 . . . . alternate universe

007 . . . . i am, i am, i am

008 . . . . all things must pass

009 . . . . sense of kindness

010 . . . . whiskey and fate

011 . . . . machiavellian

012 . . . . a little light

013 . . . . tortured soul

014 . . . . the punisher

015 . . . . not now, not ever

ACT TWO | PURGATORIO (sets in eleven years after outbreak)

016 . . . . a path ahead

017 . . .. happiness is a warm gun

ACT THREE | PARADISO (sets in twenty years after outbreak)

SEE BELOW THE SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS OR YOU CAN VISIT MY ACCOUNT.

☆ MASTERLIST | NAVIGATION | SOCIALS | SIGN OFF BANNER MADE BY. @ALDERAANDORS ☆

[in-the-glow-of-a-silmaril]

Today I am analyzing Thingol’s death.

Húrin- poor Húrin! - is the one to bring the Nauglamír to Thingol. Originally he gives it to him in scorn, to shame him for his treatment of Húrin's family and for setting the quest for the Silmaril which claimed Finrod's life. Thingol, filled with pity for Húrin, restrains his anger and does not respond. It is Melian who tells Húrin that he is wrong about how Thingol treated his family and he is speaking with the "voice of Morgoth."

So Húrin, under Melian's Girdle, is at last able to understand the entirety of what Morgoth has done to him. He then gives the Nauglamír to Thingol again, this time in sincerity, and in part "as a memorial of Húrin of Dorlómin." He then leaves, probably to take his own life.

I wonder if Morgoth's curse over Húrin contributed to Thingol’s demise soon thereafter.

So Thingol is looking at his new necklace, the greatest treasure of Finrod, and he thinks that it should be remade, and set with the silmaril. FASCINATING. Okay, so, it says that as the years had passed, the silmaril dwelt more and more in Thingol's thoughts and he "became bound to it," and wanted to carry it with him always, even as he slept.

The implications of this!!! I mean, if you want you can interpret it as a natural consequence of owning the only piece of holy Tree-light not being worn by Absolute Evil himself, but I'm not inclined to go that way, are you? I do think that the silmarils are more than just pretty jewels. Whether they actually contain a part of Feanor --

--crackship, Thingol×Feanor, love affair started via silmaril proxy--

--or not, I do think that they have some sort of sentience, or resonance, or something. They are more compelling than any other jewel could be. It seems like their influence grows over time, though I don't think that they are evil or cause good people to do bad things. I think everyone who held a silmaril made their own choices.

That being said, Thingol has a little less culpability in his death than I'd thought (according to this text; of course, the biases of the silm are a different discussion).

Thingol hires dwarves to restore the Nauglamír and set the Silmaril into it

The dwarves were immediately filled with desire for both the necklace made by their forebearers and for feanor's jewel, but they "dissembled their mind" and agreed to Thingol's terms

The work took a long time. Thingol would often go and sit among them while they worked. (I viewed this very favorably at first but then remembered that at this point Thingol is loathe to be parted from the Silmaril!)

When they finish, the greatest work of elves and dwarves has been united, and the Nauglamír reflects the silmaril's brilliance outwards.

Thingol, alone among the dwarves, picks up the completed necklace and starts to put it on.

The dwarves stop him. They "demanded that he yield it up to them," saying that he has no right to it, since the Nauglamír was made for Finrod, who is now dead, and only came into Thingol's possession through Húrin, who they call a thief.

Thingol "perceived their hearts" and knew that they wanted the silmaril and were deriving a pretext to get it. (I'm inclined to agree; if they really thought that they had a greater claim to the Nauglamír, they could have said so at the start. It is no accident that the claim is only made once the silmaril is affixed to it.)

Thingol does not stop to consider that he is alone among these dwarves. There is not a single thought of tact or strategy. His anger comes through and he calls them an "uncouth race" and "stunted people" who have no right to make demands of him, and to get gone from Doriath.

So they kill him there where he stood, and he dies with his eyes fixed on the silmaril.

The dwarves try to flee. Some escape but some are slain by pursuers. The survivors spread their version of the story, which is that those dead were killed by command of the elvenking, who sought to cheat them for their work.

This is, in fact, the version I best remembered. For some reason I had forgotten the rest of it. Thingol's anger and pride are his downfall. I wonder what would have happened had the silmarils gone to the dwarves; a slaughter of one sort or another between them and the feanorians, I suppose, but it wouldn't have been a kinslaying.

Following Thingol's death, Melian undergoes a change. In this time the enchanted river Esgalduin "spoke with a different voice." I can't help but remember Mirkwood's enchanted river. If anyone knows anything about the effects of Esgalduin and how they change at this time, please let me know!

Concluding thoughts: Thingol died the way that he lived... being racist to non-elves. <3 Okay, I'm done being flippant. Tbh it is very sad to me. Both the dwarves and Thingol are afflicted by a lust for the Silmaril. The dwarves try an underhanded trick to get it, and Thingol regresses some character growth in response. Thingol's character arc goes from: "under no circumstances is my daughter marrying a human lol might as well go get a Silmaril bc the likelihood of success in either case is the same" -> ":( :((( shit shit shit oh no oh no you weren't supposed to go DO IT. okay i can see that I fucked up. I'm going to foster this little human boy (Turin) about it and grow past my racism. I'll even keep my cool when his dad comes and hurls untrue accusations and slander at me bc i can see how much he's suffered." -> "how dare you speak to me, an elf, this way? You stunted uncouth less-than dwarf--" [death]

Actually, in that light, Thingol's next step is to adopt a dwarf. Gimli better watch out when he gets to Valinor.

I feel for thingol bc he saw his own flaws, worked to improve, and then backslid in a moment of high temper that turned out to be HIS LAST MOMENT ALIVE. (You could argue that anti human bias isn't the same as anti dwarf bias, but the underlying issue is still his pride.) It's just a shame.

[madamlaydebug]

Game rules require that the #HigherSelf be in the graduate level platform of the #simultaneouspath. One will never Graduate from the #sequentialpath. This has been the perceived difficulty that the ancient Game Higher Selves beLIEve (mainly #reptilianincarnations) where they can find a loophole to bypass simultaneous. For them, #BodyID is paramount and #SpiritID is almost non-existent. I have said this over and over: this loophole does not exist. We, simultaneous path beings, were once newbies in the Game starting from our first sequential incarnation. We have been #reptilian, #Sirian and a huge host of other beings on our path to Graduation. The vast majority DO succeed and move on to the simultaneous path and eventual Graduation.

One of the main requirements to enter the simultaneous path is the leap of faith combined with the #sequentialmemoryblock for the incarnations of simultaneous path Higher Selves. Our Higher Selves do not have this block on themselves. The incarnations do. It may seem tricky to us, as #incarnations, how this block is handled at our levels. If this is a burning curiosity question for you, it will be answered upon Graduation when all your #simultaneouspathincarnations are reunited with your Higher Self.

No matter what our incarnational level here, from Low to Very Advanced, Dominant and Final, our Higher Selves have given each projects to complete and experience. These, from the very simple to very difficult and complex, greatly assist your Higher Self to be ready for Graduation when it is time. Greater projects include #DNAcommandstructure with Body ID being suppressed by Spirit ID (definitely an Advanced level, multi-incarnational project), experiential loops being broken (these are also connected to Body ID) and many more. I have discussed some of these unwritten ones with a Dominant, but some I will not write about since the Body ID types cannot handle these. Countless times I have given information that is howled at by Body ID controlled readers, sequential plants and corrupt. However, those for whom M5 is written, have eagerly looked forward to more and the keys contained within. Let the others bark at the Moon.

It comes down to trusting in your Higher Self. There are a few readers to whom I can tell some unwritten items, but there are some things I am not to talk about at all.

To what level is a Higher Self required to have disabled Body ID? Your Dominants and Final are the ones who know best for your Higher Self. Remember path individuality. That is very important. Those who will be Graduating from Earth (and what a marvelous group this will be) will have succeeded to the point where Graduation is embraced and anxiously looked forward to.

Those who will move to the next simultaneously-designated planet will continue their quests to Graduation when they are ready. A very different version of the Matrix V project will be developed by the next Graduating group. Corrupt Higher Selves will, once again, try to control/disrupt as they have here and on previous simultaneously designated worlds.

A bit more about corrupt Higher Selves. They are not only Dark polarity driven. Simultaneous path Higher Selves' Dark and Light incarnations will eventually merge into Balance. Corruption abhors Balance and attempts to disrupt it wherever possible by using very Dark methods. How corruption entered into the scheme of things is something that must wait till Graduation for it involves details that are not available at this time. Only some faint glimpses are accessible by Awakened Finals. One other item I can share here is that if a corrupt Higher Self cannot be redeemed/cured, shim will be unmade and returned to basic neutral energy. That is all I can say about this, so don't ask.

So worry not about what needs to be accomplished by one's Higher Self. That is shim's concern. Pre-Graduating ones take heart as you would not be so if your Higher Self has not accomplished what is needed for an Earth Graduation! As an incarnation, do your best, have the experiences you need and don't worry about things beyond your control.

Trust in YOUR Higher Self!

[essekknits]

Thinking about how my sister and I got two very different versions to our mum, even though we’re only five years apart.

A couple days ago, during dinner, mum casually said “yeah, [sister’s name] is the one who taught me not to yell, back when [my name] was a kid we used to yell all the time”.

And this was treated as a funny haha moment, and I smiled and laughed and joked about it as well because it’s in the past, but then I’m thinking back to my much younger self, screaming and crying and begging my mum to listen, to not shut me out. I’m remembering my younger self being terrified whenever my mum confronted me, to the point of starting to cry as soon as she asked me a question in a slightly accusatory tone.

Years of cyclical arguments where I try to explain that no, I’m not doing anything “on purpose”, I’m not “being dramatic and screaming to stop the argument”. And it’s always somehow my fault that we’re screaming. It’s always somehow me that is at fault for the “conversation going nowhere”, despite my “part” of the play just being begging my mum to take a few moments to listen to what I have to say, without jumping to conclusions and already deciding what’s going on in my brain.

My sister got a very different version of our mum. Mum didn’t yell at her as a kid. She was the delicate flower that couldn’t handle it (unlike me, my sister was diagnosed as autistic at a very young age). She knew how to manipulate the situation to her advantage.

I used to resent my sister, just a little, when I was younger. Always loved her, but there was always this tiny feeling of “what did I do to deserve that that she didn’t”. The feeling is long gone.

I used to resent my mother for this as well. Just a little. I no longer do. There’s no use to that kind of resentment. I know she was having a very hard time, and I know she did her best, and I know my sister was a bit of a wake up call for her, and I also know she fucked me up in ways that I’m still working to heal from, five years after technically moving out of the house.

The way I see it, parenting is about trying to fuck your kids up in a different way than your parents fucked you up. Cause parents will fail. They always do. And on the quest to not mess you up the same way they were, they will find whole different ways to mess you up.

I love my sister. She had a very different experience growing up than me, but that’s okay, and she by no means had it easy. Just different.

I love my mum. She messed me up in some ways, and she’s not going to change the way she is (I’m still working on accepting that), but she also very much made me the person I am today in a lot of good ways.

This honestly has no point except for me wanting to vent a bit. It’s been A Weekend.

[fjdnsh]

thoughts on simulacra stories, change in mc's lore and aesperia's main story skip

im late on this one probably (and this is more of a ramble) but i created a new acc yesterday and said a lot of wtfs to the changes made in the first part of aesperia's mq (im currently otw to banges).

i mean i did like that shirli accompanied us from the start of waking up till the end of exploring the ruins cuz' 1. more shirli time helps establish a bond between her and mc, 2. zekes initial reaction to shirli disobeying fits in the scene better now

tbh i did miss the part where we fly up the sky and shoot a plane/skyship(?) down during the assault cuz i thought that was cool, and i liked it better when franz didnt straight up say zeke is connected to the heirs and he didnt almost spill what time retracement was all about- LIKE, FRANZ SHOULDVE STAYED AS A DISCRETE/SECRETIVE CHARACTER WHO KNOWS MORE THAN WHAT HE LETS ON

and i think it disrupts mc's lore a bit cuz in the old version we had gone through our first time retracement there in hykros and have realized with the second one in claire's quest that mc is currently the only one in the game who isnt affected by time retracement/remembers the past timelines, (mc's connection to time retracement is important i feel) pointing out the motifs here

i also noticed that they added more emphasis on the mystery of mc's identity with shirli continously questioning it and franz (and elric probably) having his suspicions(?) i like that they changed "mc being part of district 9" to "mc being part of an unknown district but will work with district 9 for now"

defintely making a seperate post to ramble about mc's lore more

i started spewing extra wtfs in the events afterwards, CUZ SERIOUSLY WHAT. it felt like i got hit with a pan after that dialogue with franz about uploading the memories 😭 then all of a sudden im going to vera, LIKE WHAT IN THE AIDA IS GOING ON.

i did realize eventually that the story was skipped for some reason, so i watched a vid the next day to get it cleared up. this change was terrible really 😭 maybe convinient for some older players (who like me, intended to get things done quick upon creating a new acc) but not for newcomers, cuz it ruins the flow of the story and the surprise of entering new places gradually.

its a better experience to slowly connect with characters as the journey progresses instead of suddenly meeting a bunch of em in the middle of the desert like "am i suppose to know who you are already??"

(ALSO THEY REMOVED COBALT B FROM THE START AND FRANZ GAVE US THE VEHICLE INSTEAD NOOO. this contradicts her simulacra side story, as it was emphasized there that they had met before and we meet her again in mirroria)

speaking of which, i feel that the simulacra stories shouldve been integrated into the main story instead of it being on the side for players to come back later (ig i just enjoy lining up the plot in order instead of it being out of sequence)

yes i understand that the mq would take longer if they did that BUT THE FUTURE INTERACTIONS WITH CHARACTERS WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE/FEEL NATURAL

like something twitches in my brain when i think about how much i love the reunion of shirli and zeke but realize its a side story LIKE WHY. THE REASON MC ACCOMPANIED SHIRLI ON THIS TRIP WAS CUZ THEY NEEDED TO FIND THIS MAN AND DRAG HIS ASS BACK TO ASTRA AND YOURE TELLING ME ITS A MF SIDE STORY 😭 I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE POINT OF THE PLOT.

also is it just me or the simulacra stories have better "atmosphere/mood" than the mq? like i love the camera shots and angles during dialouge sequences and cutscenes, and mc seems to have more reactions/personality? i need more of them 😔💚 and i will continue to ramble on a different post.

[aticklishpercivalwriter]

Updates

Yeah, so it been busy for me lately. List below:

Job Interview Monday, will hear back today if I get the job or not.

Making the itenary for my family trip

Shopping (For my little bro's birthday and myself, two tablets. Got good deals, but still the most money I have ever spent in my life 😭)

Adding on, making sure I still have enough money 🙃

Played the Bedtime Story quest in Genshin and man that was emotional. Spoiler: When she said Aether's name and he was like, "You're the only one who calls me that," not just because they were talking but because that hits so hard. Everyone calls him Traveler and hearing his name for the first time in forever was like, oh man. Heck it rang deeper for me because there was this one fanfic of Lyney and Aether that was exactly like this (I'll try to find it). If I remember correctly, Aether was crying because he was feeling so lonely in the world doing all these commissions over and over, helping the people in Teyvat and for what? No lead on his sister and everyone calling him Traveler and he like completely lost his identity/way. Then Lyney came into the picture and the moment he said Aether's name like "Aether, that's your real name isn't it?" Aether was like crying and they eventually kiss, and yeah, so many emotions. We're not going to talk about Hoyoverse making it so they don't remember.

Writing the Zhongli and Itto fic. The reason I put it off for so long is because I didn't know how I can write their dynamic and the plot. I got it now though! I'm sorry for the two who requested for them that it is coming to you this late :(

Just being so tired. Like I feel exhausted everyday and I don't know why.

Getting jealous over Genshin males. Yes, I get jealous and when you see artwork and writings of hot male characters, and your favorite ships kissing each other, being themselves, smut, fluff, and tickles, all the time, you get jealous of wanting something like that in the real world. It passes...eventually...then comes back.

Got a Playstation Plus trial and was browsing the games when I saw Tales of Zestria and Final Fantasy. I've read many fics of the two and loved them and was curious how the games fair. Wasn't disappointed at all, I just started mind you.

So, Tales of Zestria, I loved the ship between Sorey and Mikleo when I read fics and seen artwork of them and now I can fully appreciate why people ship them. They have a great dynamic and are funny even in dangerous situations. Also, is Mikleo like jealous? Once Sorey starts talking to the girl he saved, Mikleo is like pouty when Sorey isn't giving him as much attention as before. There was a couple lines where Sorey goes, "I hope Mikleo isn't worried," and when you talk to Mikleo he goes, "It wasn't like I was worried or anything." Give him attention Sorey!

And then Final Fantasy, the VII Remake, one. This is my first time playing Final Fantasy, so I am really out of the loop. I thought I would see characters like Ignis or Noctis from the fics I read, but they must be in a different version or I haven't encountered them yet. Action and fighting was the first thing I was doing in the game and I was hooked. I love to appreciate the graphics and fine details that goes into video games and this was no exception as I took in the experience, the cutscenes, everything. The dialogue, the other characters, Cloud Strife (main character), the story so far, it's so cool. Then Jessie brings up how Cloud is good to look at and then I actually look at Cloud and yeah. Why is he so hot?! You probably know my type knowing who I like in Genshin. Like his arm muscles are well defined. I am a sucker for males in tank tops and showing off their arms. And his cool hair, his facial expressions, his sass. Why does he look so good!? Ahem, gotta stop. I am also interested in his story more than anything like what happened? There's these flashbacks and yeah. This game has me hooked, okay? I admit, I searched up Cloud Strife thirst trap (I'm sorry, I had to. I blame the fan artists for making Sethos hot asf with arm muscles. @cawiechan on Twitter for example. I'm obsessed.) and you know what came up? "FF7 Remake transforms the horniest Final Fantasy into a full-on thirst trap" So, you are telling me the first Final Fantasy game that I play is the horniest and a thirst trap? Hey, I'm not complaining and I find that really funny.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading! I consider this a safe place to talk about stuff that I wouldn't talk about anywhere else and where I feel welcome, so thank you for making me feel accepted here :) Wishing you all well and talk to you all later ❤️!

[jayjtheunsispiciousmelodicathem]

I may not be looking in the right parts of the internet, but I think Where The Water Tastes Like Wine is an underrated gem

so there's this game called "Where The Water Tastes Like Wine". I got it for free on Epic a few years back, never finished it (in fact I didn't get much further than Ohio I think), but each time I installed and launched it, I immediately fell in love with it again.

It's a simple game - we get a cutscene in which Dire Wolf (an anthropomorphic wolf who beats us in cards) sends us on our quest to travel the 48 contiguous American states just after the Great War, experience stories, tell them to people, and then watch as the stories grow to be elaborate, often thrilling, urban legends and folk tales

the graphics are simple, but they're just enough to make things recognisable in the overworld, but when you get to gathering and telling stories, the artstyle gets very pretty - very scruffy-like drawings of the characters and scenes very much fit the game, and elevate its atmosphere a lot. The music slaps - go listen

but this is not what made the game for me - or well, not the graphics or music at least. It's the objective of the game, that I think makes the game a gem worth its value

so as I said, WTWTLW is a game about gathering and telling stories - as you travel across post-war america you'll encounter many a strange things and scenes, and you'll meet fellow wanderers of the world, whose stories you will also learn in exchange for your stories.

it's a central mechanic, as those tramps and wanderers will spread the stories, allowing them to change and become more captivating. And that's why I love this game - not only are the characters interesting, the game revolves around the origins of what nowadays we'd call the post-colonial American folklore, or what we'd call a post-colonial American mythology if it christianity wasn't baked into the colonist-American cultures. I am not sure how many of the stories are actual pieces of american folklore - there's of course the Jersey Devil there, and there's also what seems to be a "the colour from out of space" reference in one spot as well (although that's not exactly folklore), but many seem like something that sound plausible to be actual folklore, while also being written specifically for the game.

The game showcases this evolution of mere retellings of someone's experiences into actual legends and myths - all of them having their seeds in actual events, that got blown out of proportion (e.g. there's a story, where a fisherman tells you "the seagulls came, there's enough fish for us to survive one more year", and later when you gather a newer version of the story, you'll find that the seagulls are now talking, and the fisherman asks them where to find the fish)

The POV character will sometimes remark that "hey, I remember this story, this isn't exactly how it goes!" - and that's another thing I love they got right about this central theme of the game. Stories change overtime, and they will vary from period to period, from place to place.

That's what the Iliad and the Odyssey probably started as

That's what the 12 labours of Heracles probably started as

That's what so many pieces of folklore and mythology probably started as

And each version of the story is just as right as the other, because there is no "one true and definitive" version of a folk tale by definition.

I love this game, it's very fun and philosophical (kinda like disco elysium), and it got its central aspect VERY FRICKING RIGHT

[csleko]

Motion Capture Test

It doesn't look like much, but this 12-second janky animation is the culmination of a goddamned SAGA that I am COMPELLED to relay to you, Tumblr.

Chapter One: Wherein Motion Capture Sounds Like A Neat Idea

It all began...I dunno, maybe a few months or so ago? Time's freakin' weird. I don't remember what the exact thing that sparked my interest was, but I looked into VTuber software and downloaded a program just to play around with. I learned that it was possible to export models from Blender in a format that could be used with this software, and immediately tried it with my high-poly Leko model. Didn't work. Model was too many parts and I rigged it kinda weird, so it was just a buggy mess. Some parts moved right, some didn't, some just flew away when I moved. I tried it with my much simpler low-poly Boba Fett model, and it worked great!

The software worked by tracking your head movements through your webcam, which is why this part of the story is relevant to this post. It got me thinking about more complex motion capture, and how great it would be to be able to do that in Blender. So I went looking around, hoping to maybe find something that worked like the VTuber software, and could capture full body motion from a regular camera.

I did find a company called Rokoko, who specializes in mocap tech (their stuff is on the more affordable side, but for mocap equipment that STILL translates into the thousands of dollars), and they have a program that uses AI to generate motion data from 2D video. I gave it a try, and it *works,* but it's still really finnicky and needs a lot of manual fixing and adjustment to the point where it might ultimately be faster to just animate by hand from the beginning. It probably works better if you have better footage for it to work with, but I'd still say overall it needs a little more time in the oven.

I continued my search, and came across a couple of Blender plugins that looked promising at first, but were clearly someone's side project that they lost interest in and hadn't updated in a long time. At some point, I remembered hearing about people using the Xbox Kinect to capture motion for animation, but given what I knew about Microsoft's failed peripheral, I assumed it would be hard to find one at a reasonable price. I kept it in mind, but didn't look into it any further until it came up in a discussion with a friend who told me Kinects were in fact quite easy to find, and quite cheap!

Chapter Two: The Infuriating Quest For A Kinect

So I went down that path and started doing some research. Unfortunately, there are some particularly strict requirements for using a Kinect with a PC. Fortunately, the laptop I recently acquired managed to meet those requirements as best I could tell. All I needed was a Kinect and a set of adapter cables Microsoft used to make, but doesn't anymore, so the only way to get them is to either buy a third party version, or buy the originals used. So I found a relatively cheap cable on Amazon, and bought an Xbox One Kinect (the newer, more advanced version) from GameStop. If all went according to plan, I'd have a fully functional motion capture system for just over $50.

With the hardware in hand, all that was left to do was install the drivers and software on the laptop, then plug everything in!

Aaaaaaand....nothing happened. The software said everything on the laptop met the requirements, but it wasn't picking up the Kinect on the USB port. So I did everything you normally do when something on a PC isn't working. Unplug it and plug it back in, try another port, uninstall and reinstall the software, restart the computer, check for updates, pull up the device manager and check for hardware changes, double and triple-check the requirements. No matter what I did, it would not acknowledge the damn thing was plugged in!

After some frustrated Googling, I found a post from someone describing the exact problem I was having, and they apparently fixed it by trying a different adapter cable. Of course! That shady third-party company on Amazon must've sold me a bad cable. That's what I get for buying the cheap one, I guess. So I returned it and went looking for something more reputable. I found what I THOUGHT was a seller with actual Microsoft-made cables, but ended up being glad I looked deeper into the reviews because it *might* have been a scam. I cancelled that order, and bought an adapter from Hyperkin. I've bought things from them before without issue, so I consider them trustworthy. If the Kinect still didn't work with this adapter, then the problem must be something else.

The problem. Was. In fact. Something else.

At this point, the ONLY remaining possible explanation was that GameStop had sent me a bad Kinect. Unfortunately, I do not own an Xbox One, nor do I know anyone who does, so I couldn't check and see if the Kinect itself worked with its intended hardware. Fortunately, I DO know of a very nice local game store, and the lovely folks there were perfectly happy to test the thing for me.

It's dead.

GameStop sent me a dead Kinect.

I was simultaneously pissed and relieved. Pissed that GameStop ripped me off, but relieved to finally know why I couldn't get it to work, and that it wasn't because *I* was doing something wrong. Conveniently, the nice local store happened to have a literal basket of Kinects, so I bought one of theirs trusting it to have actually been tested and functional, but also knowing that the return process wouldn't be a whole ordeal in the unlikely event it *did* turn out to be another dud.

It didn't. Got home, plugged everything in, and after a tense 4-5 seconds the Kinect popped up in the device manager. Opened up the software, the Kinect lit up, and right there on the screen was a rough live 3D scan of my bedroom. Well, the corner of it the Kinect was actually facing, anyway. Moved it into a better position, stood in front of it and BAM. Lines appeared on the silhouette of my body marking my head, torso, shoulders, elbows, hands, hips, knees, and feet. It was pretty accurately tracking my movement in real time, with occasional hiccups that I can confidently blame on the small area forcing me to stand closer to the Kinect than normal.

Satisfied that everything now worked, it would a couple more weeks before I actually tried capturing anything and using it in Blender because I had an unrelated and more time sensitive project to finish up, and there was still one last matter to take care of...

Epilogue: GameStop Can Go To Hell

Turns out that in the fine print of GameStop's return policies is a little sentence saying you only have SEVEN DAYS to return used hardware. That's some bullshit right there. It took me THREE fucking weeks to figure out I even NEEDED to return the goddamn thing because I was the idiot for having "GameStop is a shitty company who doesn't test their used junk before selling it" at the BOTTOM of my list of possible reasons it wasn't working!

Returning it was out of the question, so the best they could do was trade it in for $10 in credit. Fucking 1/3 of what I paid for their broken piece of garbage. I put it toward a copy of Tears of the Kingdom, double checked that it was brand new and sealed because I wanted to be 1,000,000,000% sure I'll never need to set foot in a GameStop again. Curse the day those idiots meme'd the company out of bankruptcy.

---

So that's the story behind this janky 12-second animation of my Rake model. I tried using my Leko model first, but again because of the excessive complexity of the model and weird rigging, it didn't work very well.

Basically, the Kinect software records your movements, then you use a separate program to record those movements to an FBX file, then you use *another* program to convert that FBX into a *different* format of FBX that Blender can use. You import that file into Blender, it makes a skeleton that follows the recorded motions, you rig the model to it, and boom. You have motion capture animated model. It's actually even more straightforward than I expected. I think there are ways to make an already rigged character follow the animation without re-rigging it to the FBX skeleton, but I'll need to do some more research on that in the future.

For now, I'm just happy everything actually works.

[curiouselleth]

Okay here we go! I'm sticking to a detailed overview right now, so this is not all of my ideas or details, but this rock opera is very young so things will likely change and evolve. This ended up pretty long anyway, I hope you're ready lol.

Right now I have the concept split into 14 songs! I am not a songwriter but I've dabbled in poetry and hope to write them. I imagine that as the idea evolves that one or two more songs might be added. I'll explain it song by song (or scene by scene, there are some bits that are in between songs.)

This would be using the version where Daeron is Luthien's brother. I have decided to have Daeron be younger. I don't remember if it's said who is younger but I want it to be Daeron.

Song/scene 1 - Daeron and Luthien as children, playing and dancing in a clearing in the forest when Luthien has a vision. Luthien will not say what she sees exactly, but she tells Daeron that she will some day meet someone, and she will not be able to stay in the forest with him forever. Luthien makes Daeron promise not to tell their parents. Then they run back to Menegroth, playing, laughing and singing. Melian asks if Luthien had a vision, they say she didn't. This whole song is more childish than the rest.

Song/scene 2 - a joyful Daeron solo, about the coming of spring and such. He is going to meet Luthien in their glade in the forest.

Song/scene 3 - song 2 stops abruptly as Daeron is about to enter the glade, and sees Beren with Luthien. The mood turns shocked and frantic, and he rushes back to Menegroth, speculating to Angband and back and generally panicking. This is the first song that is more serious, heavy with emotion. But it is only a hint of what is to come.

Song/scene 4 - Thingol and Melian on their thrones, Daeron stands beside Melian's. Beren and Luthien enter, and I imagine this scene being somewhat similar to how the Lay of Leithian rock opera does it here. This version would have Daeron almost narrating, with him singing thoughts about what is happening and everyone else's lines in between. Like when a main character starts singing and dancing and no one else notices and carries on as normal.

Song/scene 5 - Daeron's well that the heck now song. Beren is off on the quest to try to steal a eru damned silmaril and Luthien is mad at him. Ends with him having a panic attack. Luthien comes to him, and they are able to fix things between them a little. Small blackout, then they are talking another day, and Luthien confides in Daeron that she wants to go after Beren.

Song/scene 6 - Once again, Daeron is panicking about what to do. He still believes that Luthien is wrong and he wants to protect her, and to get things back to how they were, but he also does not want to betray Luthien again.

Song/scene 7 - Luthien solo! In the treehouse, she tries to figure out what to do, and tries to understand Daeron's choices.

Song/scene 8 - Daeron's "shit I screwed up BIG TIME" song. He realizes how wrong he was, and the depth of Luthien's love for Beren. Luthien has already left, so he does his best to support her and argue her case to Thingol.

Song/scene 9 - Daeron and Melian duet! Just generally about all that has happened. Ends with a messager bringing them news of Beren's death, and Daeron makes a choice to leave, to try to find Luthien and bring her home. (Not in a white knight savior way though, I don't know how else to convey that exactly. It is late and words stopped working a few hours ago lol)

Song/scene 10 - Daeron traveling to try to find her. He travels North to where they heard she went after Nargothrond, but encounters spiders in Nan Dungortheb, and he is driven East. We get to see him using some of his maia powers now, and he is powerful, but there are just too many spiders. He then finds himself lost in Nan Elmoth for a time, but continues undeterred through all levels and risks. He searches and searches, he will not go back without her. He searches for a long time. As this song reaches it's climax, it abruptly cuts off.

Daeron freezes, and falls with a earth shattering scream as he feels Luthien die.

Song/scene 11 - Daeron wandering for a long time, utterly lost to his grief. He eventually finds himself back in Doriath, in his and Luthien's clearing.

Song/scene 12 - As he realizes, he starts a new song. A lament. He did not feel the girdle as he pasted the borders, but as he finally feels again, he can feel that his parents are gone. He sings a lament for all of them. Including himself, because he was so lost he might as well have been dead. The other songs would have bits of laments, but this would be the only full, big lament.

Song/scene 13 - He is just leaving the clearing, and he looks back one last time, to see a child on the other side of the glade. For a moment, he thinks it is Luthien, returned as a child. But he blinks and sees, this is not her. The child's features are rougher, almost part human. It is winter, and they are shaking. He wraps them in his ragged cloak. He hears voices, and they flee (the song for this scene starts around here).

For a time, they are chased. Eventually, though he shakes with exhaustion, he calls forth a song of speed and stealth, and they escape.

Song/scene 14 - Daeron and the twins cross the mountains heading east. This is a very hopeful song, and the end as they search for a new life.

So, this is a lot. It's not even everything lol. But I am very excited about the idea. It definitely becomes kinda fanfiction-y with him rescuing Elured and Elurin, but too bad, I love it.

I would be thrilled to talk about this more! But I will likely need to rotate it more, and spend more time in it before I want to post anything too detailed or publicly though.

I would love to get this written, but right now I need to finish trsb, my summer class, and maybe another project or two before I can think about starting another.

So I just came up with a Daeron rock opera

I am just vibrating with excitement over a new theory/possible project AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[cno-inbminor]

iterum vivere (childe/tartaglia)

a/n: wow, it’s been fucking forever. first genshin fic featuring childe/tartaglia!!! a very huge thank you to @suspensin​ for reading this over and being my rock and support, and i love her so fucking much. I couldn’t have finished this without her!

plot: reincarnation and modern/uni!au ft. afab reader!traveler with she/they pronouns x childe/tartaglia 

-- in which meeting childe is a bit of a dangerous game of push and pull

wc: 12.1k; angst + fluff

warnings:  DOES CONTAIN IN-GAME SPOILERS (1.5? 1.6? + story quest and idek) and NSFW MENTIONS (mdni to be safe). there’s no explicit smut but thoughts do run a bit wild here and there

EDIT: Altered ChiLumi version now posted on AO3 here!

“Haven’t we met before?”

The shine in your eyes does nothing to hide your curiosity, head even tilting a little in observation. He watches them scan his face for any recognizable features, but attempts to focus on the strange, taut string of déjà vu that pulls him toward you. In a moment of absentmindedness, he had heard a faint voice call out his name from your direction. Confusion overtook him as you weren’t looking at him, but something inside his brain said that it had to be from you. And so his feet redirected his path towards your figure in the student union building, as if on a mission.

“A fucking whale, Childe?”

Oh.

“I don’t think so…?” You trail off, curiosity now replaced by perplexed feelings. “Do we have a class together?”

I think I would’ve noticed you by now if you were.

“Ah, what’s your major?” Childe asks quickly to avoid listening to the little voice in his head.

“History and anthropology, you?”

“Economics, but I’ve taken a history course for core credits. Maybe it was then?”

“With Dr. Zhong?”

“Yes!” He snaps his fingers. Part of his brain decides to usefully function and scan his memories to see if he remembers your face or head of hair in the lecture hall then. “Last year? Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10 to 11:20?”

“Actually, yeah,” you affirm in surprise. You think you would remember the relatively attractive ginger in your class, but honestly, it had all been such a blur and you were often pretty sleepy during class. Dr. Zhong didn’t quite appreciate it, but you made up for it with your exam and essay grades, as well as paying better attention in some of his other courses.

“Did you need me for anything?”

“I’d like for you to come visit and meet my family.”

He’s really not appreciating this extra voice speaking for him.

“Well…uh…” Childe stammers and looks away sheepishly, hand rubbing the back of his neck. He honestly had no reason for approaching you, and now, he just looks like a desperate idiot. Think quick, he tells himself, floundering for some shitty excuse.

“I wanted to, uh, take another history course as an elective and um, wanted to know if you had any recommendations?”

“Oh,” you blink. That’s a first. When he meets your gaze, the swirling shades of sapphire strike something deep within you. Flashes of events you can’t make out go by in the blink of an eye, but then you realize you’ve been staring for too long. Blood rushes to your cheeks because you don’t exactly want this guy to get the wrong idea from you, because how are you supposed to explain, “I’m sorry, but I think we have met before, but just a really, really long time ago, and we might’ve been more than just acquaintances because that’s what it feels like?”

“I think you’d like Teyvat Mythology,” your voice wavers on the verge of cracking. “Dr. Zhong might have a TA this time around, but Xiao’s a great teacher. Doesn’t have long, rambling anecdotes, but explains things well and gets straight to the point.”

“C-cool, I’ll look into it,” Childe replies and smiles brightly. “I’ll head out then,” jabbing a thumb over his shoulder, where he just realized he left a grouchy Scaramouche waiting by a vending machine, newly purchased Starbucks Tripleshot drink in hand. “Nice seeing you, (y/n).”

He scurries off before you both realize that you never told him your name.

“Who’s that?” Scaramouche asks, jutting his chin in your vague direction.

“Someone from my Intro to Liyuean History course last year,” Childe waves off. “Come on, let’s go before the line at the pasta bar gets too long.”

-

The next time you see Childe is by accident, traversing across an open field of grass that many students like to sit out on to relax with friends, sunbathe, hold events, or play casual team sports if room permits.

You had your earbuds in and were scrolling through social media when laughter rang above all other sound, causing your head to snap up and swivel around to find the source. And while it might’ve been strange to an outsider, your steps immediately slowed as you watched the man of your tiring, vivid dreams sprint in your direction, eyes pinned on a frisbee heading towards him.

He’s wearing a grey sports tank and basketball shorts, headband holding back his bangs as he makes a slight jump in the air to catch the plastic disc between his palms. His feet plant into the grass as he looks for someone to pass it to, and you watch (with embarrassment) the muscles in his throwing arm relax and tighten with practice, frisbee steadily soaring through the air in a beautiful arc towards a teammate. He then lightly jogs to get closer to his group, but then his back stiffens.

Before your instincts kick in for you to turn and bail, he looks over his shoulder and stares straight at your now stunned self.

The sole ruby earring that glints in the sunlight catches your attention, and you recall your dreams of terrifyingly dark, violet electric power, blades of water rushing toward you, and then the stomach-churning sensation of falling from great heights pours concrete into your veins—

Childe looks a little amused for having your sole focus, hand lifting up for a quick wave. And as you numbly return the greeting, your heart beats out, “Run from him.”

And so with the flight response pulsing and firing from your synapses, you abruptly speed walk away, almost breaking out into a sprint towards your dorm. You ignore his pointed, confused look, and pretend you don’t feel the two holes of imaginary fire searing into your back. It isn’t until you’re laying back in bed that you release a huge sigh of relief and pray to a deity you don’t believe in that those eyes of mirth will not haunt you tonight.

But of course, with a deity that doesn’t exist, the prayers go unanswered.

-

“Do you believe in any of the mythology you teach?” You ask Xiao about a few days later when you stop by his cubicle. Luckily, no one else is around for this conversation, and Xiao has always been kind enough to humor your thoughts. Granted, he might feel obligated because you had asked Dr. Zhong to be your advisor for your undergraduate Honors thesis, and Xiao was directed to be your receiver of some general questions and source of information if he wasn’t around.

A quick scan of your complexion tells Xiao everything he needs to know. Your eyes are overtaken with rumination and exhaustion, haziness clouding them as you seem to ponder over your own question. It’s not often that you ask him anything not related to your thesis or coursework.

“Perhaps there’s some sense and truth to the tales passed down,” he softly muses. “What makes you ask?”

You lift yourself to sit on the clean area next to his computer, legs slowly swaying back and forth. “It might sound crazy but...I’ve been having dreams lately. They feel too real, too natural to be anything that my mind would make up. I’ve never had the most creative imagination by any means, which is why there’s some comfort to me being a history major, but I can’t shake these.”

“So why ask me about the mythology?”

“...the Archons are there. I even dreamt that I met the Geo and Anemo Archons. And they controlled various elements, just like we were taught.”

You don’t notice that Xiao has ceased his rapid typing, fingers hovering over the keyboard before one hand removes his glasses from his face. He uses the other to rub his eyes and softly pinch the bridge of his nose before sliding the frames back on. Dark, golden amber eyes survey you as you grapple with the unfathomable possibilities of your nightly visions, at least until you shake your head in disbelief at yourself and lightly scoff.

“Who am I kidding?” You ask no one in particular. “Maybe I’ve been doing too much research and everything’s mixing together.”

“You’re ahead of schedule, if that provides any consolation.”

“Some.”

-

It takes Childe a grand total of one minutes and 53 seconds to sign up for Teyvat Mythology for the spring semester.

-

WInter in Liyue is only slightly miserable, being so close to the ocean. It’s chillier than usual on this dreary day, yet something compelled you to exit your dorm and shakily make your way to the campus coffee shop for a warm drink. Coffee, hot chocolate, you haven’t quite decided yet, but just as you let yourself bask in the warm building, familiar ginger hair and blue eyes wash away the comfort.

Or do they douse you in security?

They remind you of your recent dreams that now have shifted away from stress and violence to easygoing summer days by the oceanside, running barefoot in the sand while collecting beautifully patterned azure starconches. Sometimes, you thrust a hand towards an oversized four-leaf clover on a wooden stake with the power of wind and catch yourself in the air, soaring and looking around to find more of the little shells. Other nights, they consist of climbing steep cliffs, only to sit at the edge in the clouds with fatigue wracking through your system and marvel at the view before you.

Someone’s always with you though, ruby earring and maroon mask and cobalt blue gem hanging from the waist, sprinting with you, playfully tackling you down, pulling you up towards mountain peaks, laying their head on your shoulders, brushing their lips against your cheek--

You welcome the change of peace in those dreams, but only because they don’t leave you quite as tired the next day, as if you’d been avoiding an inescapable dark force.

Part of you wants the burning question of why this person, this man, in all his glory and brightness, affects you so fucking much when you barely even know the guy -- why looking at him sends your heart to lodge itself in your esophagus, why your lungs feel like they’re so close to being completely collapsed under the weight of his stare, why feeling like you’re trapped and  caught between wanting to run towards yet away from him.  It makes no sense, and you’re tired of trying to make sense of anything you don’t exactly want to remember from your dreams for some, once again, inexplicable reason.

But there’s no time to think as he quickly ambles towards you, your own feet shuffling forward to meet him in a warped reference of a distance that constitutes to “the middle” before you can stop yourself. Your shivering hasn’t quite stopped yet, and Childe seems to take notice of it.

“Pretty cold out there,”  he softly states. It’s cute, the way you’re curling in on yourself to retain some warmth.

“Y-yeah, not sure why I decided I really needed something warm to drink right now,” you reply and avoid his gaze. He watches you peer over his shoulder to squint at the menu display hanging from the ceiling, seemingly contemplating on what you should get.

“How about I get yours today? My treat for your class recommendation last time.” Anything to keep you here longer. Childe doesn’t realize how much he’s missed you, which confuses him, and chooses to ignore the fact that he’d been camping himself at the study tables in the building where the history department is located in hopes of even just catching a quick glimpse of you.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” you immediately attempt to subvert his generous offer, hands shooting out from your jacket pockets and waving in rejection. “It was nothing.”

“Please?” Childe puts on his best puppy eyes before reaching for one of your wrists, gently tugging you to the register. “Just this once?”

You want so badly to squash the tiny flare of disappointment that erupts in your chest from the newly acquired knowledge that this was just a one time thing. Do econ majors hate to feel in debt? That they must be even with everyone, or would rather have people indebted to them than the other way around?

There’s no time to think when Childe gives the cashier his order before turning to you, and without wanting to waste anyone’s time, you rattle off your usual beverage. He’s quick in fishing out his student ID to spend some of his campus currency, shooting you a boyish grin when you pout at your half-opened wallet.

“Go take that table over there,” he says, pointing to one in the corner by some windows. “I’m gonna tell my friends to go on without me.”

“I didn’t mean to intrude or pull you away from them,” you slightly panic. The sooner you can leave, the better. Right? “You don’t need to sit with me, I was just gonna head back to my dorm.”

“I insist. Go ahead, I’ll be right there.”

Why your brain takes his orders over your own is a mystery in and of itself, because before you know it, you’re plopped down in one of the lounge seats and staring off into space, mind reeling over the last two minutes. You pretend you can’t hear the way Childe’s friends nudge his arm playfully with their shoulders, wiggling their eyebrows suggestively as Childe tries to get them to stop being nonsensical.

“You’re gonna scare them off,” he hisses at them, hands pushing at their backs so they could finally leave him to his devices.

“Not before you do!” One of them laughs and Childe groans at their antics. “All right, all right, we’ll go. They’re cute though, might steal them if you don’t make a move.”

The darkening of the aura surrounding Childe is too quick for them to fully process, not before he dampens any of their fleeting hopes with a, “Don’t even fucking think about it.”

But it disappears just as fast when his and your drinks are called out, and he gives them one last shove before retrieving your to-go cups. Childe directs all his focus towards the seat diagonally from yours as opposed to the one that’s straight across, and you’re sharply ripped away from whatever reverie you let yourself slip into.

“Thank you,” you murmur, hands cupping the drink and feeling the heat seep into your fingertips. “You really didn’t have to, it was nothing big.”

“Can you blame me for just trying to find an excuse to finally talk to you?” He asks without a skip and you can’t tell if the quickening of your heartbeat is from a looming sense of doom or excitement. Those eyes, the tiny swirls of the ocean, blue like those shells buried in the sand--

It takes three seconds too long for you to understand where he was going with in his words, and part of you feels unamused at his smooth talking. You’ve always guarded yourself against guys like Childe, devilishly handsome who know their way around language semantics, ready to pull you in and just as ready to push you away. That (possibly unfair) bias, coupled with everything else you’ve been feeling for him, sounded the alarms and set the walls up around your heart. Perhaps you need to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve, because Childe immediately retracts his forwardness.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I promise I’m not looking for anything in return and you don’t owe me anything, but I really did just...want to sit and talk and...get to know you?” Childe trails off a little towards the end. Your body loosens up and relaxes just a tiny bit, feeling bad for your snap judgment. Let the guy do something nice, don’t look into it too much, you tell yourself. It’s a coffee, not a five-course dinner.

You reach out a hand towards him, small smile across your lips, ready for his to join yours in a quick handshake. “I’m (y/n), senior history and anthropology double major. It’s nice to meet you.”

The pounding of your heart against your ribcage has nothing to do with the shimmering of his eyes, nothing to do with the fact that his hand fits with yours just right, and nothing to do with the fact that an eerily similar voice from your dreams whispers, “I love you.”

You learn a number of things about Tartaglia in the four hours, like his family members and their respective interests, which classes he did and didn’t enjoy taking, certain takes on Schnezhnayan politics, his own various hobbies, crazy accidents from the occasional college parties, and more. He’s a bit of an open book, probably telling you way more than any regular person would, and definitely more than anything you revealed during all this time. Everything you tell him seems surface level, nothing too deep. The walls are still there to protect you from the unexplainable, profound feelings his presence seems to elicit, and luckily, he doesn’t prod any further. Childe feels the resistance and respects it, which just adds more brownie points in your book, and you almost feel bad for having given so little in return.

“I wish we were taking Teyvat Myth together,” he sighs when walking you back to your dorm, hands stuffed in his pockets. His ruby earring catches the light from the sunset, the shade almost complimentary to the golden amber rays that streak across the sky. “Would’ve helped having a history major in there.”

“Is that all I am to you, an answer bank?” You jokingly ask, but he watches concerningly as you shoot your gaze to the ground, mindfully stepping over the cracks between concrete slabs.

“Of course not,” a gentle sincerity reaches you, giving you the confidence to make eye contact with him. “I’m sorry for making it sound like that, it wasn’t my intention. I really just meant it as a way of saying if the professor or TA ended up being a total bore, then well, having you would make it more fun.”

“I’m sure I’d bore you even more,” chuckling, speeding up to get away. You’re growing too comfortable in whatever atmosphere Childe has created, like an enclosed air bubble bobbing gently in the depths of the sea and letting the waves carry you both to whichever ends of the earth.

“Hey,” he interjects, hand reaching out to stop you with a soft yank of your wrist. There is no resisting force from you, feet stepping backward until he meets you eye to eye. It’s unfair in the way that he can render you motionless by standing just an inch from you, arms brushing with his head tilted closer to your own. “Seriously, I’m glad we did this today. Are you?”

No, because now I don’t know what to think, I don’t know who you are, I’m not any closer to figuring out why you terrify yet leave me so enamoured with you, I’m torn between punching and kissing you and--

“Yes,” you subconsciously answer, brain immediately short-circuiting to scold yourself. “I had fun.”

His grin, charming, devilish, is so so bright, bright enough to rival the Liyue sun that sits on the pier, on the edge of the ocean, bright enough to rival the love that your fraternal twin showers you with on a daily basis. You want time to stop right here because you’re almost sick of the voice settled deep within your heart that screams, “Don’t get comfortable, you must run from him!”

“Good. Let’s do this again?” And you nod, of course you do. Foolish you. “Don’t be a stranger!” He calls out as he turns on his heel and waves over his shoulder, hand raised in the air, and you’re suddenly transported to another scene, a less refined version of the Liyue Harbor, watching as the head of ginger hair with a red mask in a flashier attire of grey and maroon walks away from you and onto a roaring, magnificent ship; big, ivory sails only seen in books and museums. It’s the same gesture of “see you later”, and just before he turns, you blink, and you’re back to seeing your campus again.

But Childe does look back once, warm and content that you’re still standing there, watching over him, and he can’t help but think about when he can spend time with you again, because suddenly, it truly feels like there’s not enough of it anymore.

-

“Excuse me, what’s a Red Bull?”

The last thing, or person rather, you expect to see on the last day of finals for the fall semester, is a small boy who looks way too young to be here, tugging on the sleeve of your windbreaker. He’s at most eleven, ten maybe, but he has eerily similar characteristics, as well as an accent that doesn’t quite belong to most Liyue natives. Still gathering your bearings from your own perusing of the fridges that hold all the possible beverages a college student could consume, you kneel down until you’re at eye level with the child.

“Repeat that for me? Are you looking for a Red Bull, you say?”

“Yes!” He beams and holds out a student ID that most definitely doesn’t belong to him. “My brother asked me to grab him one because he was busy with something.”

Your eyes flit over to the top shelves where the aforementioned cans of caffeine are located, and definitely too high for someone of his height to reach. “I’ll grab one for you. Did he ask for a specific flavor?”

“Nope, he said regular. Thanks, you’re really nice! Do you know my brother?” He asks, waving the ID at you so you can get a better look at the name. That’s definitely a face you recognize, but the name leaves you confused.

“Yeah, um,” glance over again, “I know...Ajax…”

“He’s the best toy seller in the whole world!”

Somehow, it suits him much better than Childe or Tartaglia, and you’re not quite sure what toys have anything to do with the matter at hand. Speaking of hands, the little boy grabs yours in sheer delight. “Can you take me back to his room? I kinda forgot the directions he told me, and everything’s so big around here.”

“Sure, just let me buy something, too, and I’ll take you.”

“Okay!”

The cashier isn’t the least bit fazed by the little brunette at your side -- it’s always common for family members to come in around the end of semesters to pick up kids or visit, and being an open building with snacks and drinks and a stopping point of most tours, they’ve seen it all. You even let him pick out a bag of chips and a candy bar for himself for being so polite and not a complete menace, paying with your own campus currency.

Teucer, as you’ve learned in the last two minutes, likes to point out things and ask you questions. Luckily, you have answers to most of them and do your best to pad the time, enjoying the feeling of a tiny hand wrapped around three of your fingers. It’s sweet to any normal passerby, believing they’re witnessing an older sister doting on their little brother around the holidays, but to Childe, seeing the tender sweetness on your face as you nod along to whatever Teucer is rambling about to you, sets his heart aflame. He’s already constantly on the verge of wanting to hug and kiss you and never let go, but you haven’t made any indication that you could potentially like him back, and this is just torture.

“Look what they bought me!” Teucer shoves his rewards in Childe’s face as if he had extremely poor eyesight, and you can’t help but laugh a little as you set his Red Bull down on his desk, clutching your own preferred beverage while looking around his room. Finals must have gotten to him with the unusual lack of tidiness in the small space, some laundry strewn here and there, a couple boxes of eaten microwave dinners in the metal wire trash can, some textbooks left open and marked with more sticky notes than you’ve ever seen. You’d only been here once before to drop off some food that he desperately messaged you about, stuck doing a project that he just couldn’t step away from.

“Pretend you don’t see the mess,” Childe pleads, handing a kid tablet to his brother but holding on before Teucer can take it. “What do you say to our nice friend here for buying you these snacks?”

“Thank you!”

“It was nothing,” you shyly smile, ruffling his hair. “I enjoyed meeting you.”

“Wait, what’s your name again?”

“It’s (Y/n).”

“Okay, (y/n)! Wait…(y/n)..as in…”

Teucer trails off and gives a look to his brother, one that spells curiosity and trouble, before he grabs your hand and pulls you into a corner. Any movement Childe makes to leave his desk chair is immediately squashed by Teucer’s disapproval, and the older man is left to helplessly worry when you’re told to squat down so secrets can be whispered into your ear.

“He talks about you a lot whenever he calls home,” and you want to laugh at Tecuer’s attempt to sound as scandalous as possible. “All the time! I think he likes you, like, like like.”

Oh. Oh dear.

“What makes you say that?” You whisper back, indulging both yourself and him, yet also internally snickering at how troubled Childe looks.

“Sometimes, he video calls mama, but we’ll all sit around and talk, and whenever he’s talking about how he saw you or something, he just looks...happy. Really happy.”

The surprise on your face does nothing to settle Childe’s nerves and he’s about to start wringing his hands together. Whatever Teucer was telling you couldn’t be good, probably embarrassing, like the one time he unceremoniously fell on his ass while ice skating over a frozen lake, or when he tried fitting fifteen marshmallows in his mouth and nearly choked on them when their mother caught them in the act, or--

“I think he just thinks of me as a good friend,” you try to inform Teucer, not letting yourself get any semblance of hope. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

“If you say so,” Teucer pouts. But then he stops whispering and bounds over back to his brother, grabbing the tablet before plopping down on the half-made bed.

“Look, I was overconfident and thought I could execute a perfect single loop on the ice, but there was a rock and I lost balance and--”

“I wasn’t being told any stories about you falling on ice, but do tell me more,” you chuckle and take some joy in watching the blush spread across his cheeks. It’s easy to tell that he’s mentally berating himself for jumping to conclusions.

“Well, first off, thanks for buying him all that, and my drink, too,” he sighs. “I spoil him enough as it is.”

“I can see why it’s hard not to,” you smile knowingly. “So is it just him here? Where’s the rest of your family?”

“Funny story, he somehow managed to convince my parents to let him come here on his own as his first ever plane flight, so I had to pick him up yesterday from the airport. He’s flying back with me tomorrow.”

“And the RA?” You ask with an eyebrow raised.

“Ah...well...what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him? Speaking of, what was Teucer whispering to you about?”

There’s a pensiveness that overtakes you when you look at Teucer again, who’s happily playing some sort of game and completely oblivious to the rest of his surroundings. You won’t, can’t, take his words to heart, and will take them with a grain of salt at most.

“Nothing important. Although I did learn something new...Ajax?”

“Say my name -- fuck, say it, please--”

“I guess cat’s out of the bag,” he chuckles and looks away, absolutely unaware of the flare of heat that swirls in your stomach from the fleeting vision just now. “I came up with other nicknames as a kid to seem cooler, and they just stuck with me. Plus, the business world is full of people who just want something from you, or just a transactional relationship. I’d rather not give my real name to them, if you know what I mean.”

“That’s fair,” you nod and lean to sit on the edge of his desk. A thought pops into your head and you turn the words over in your head like a washing machine on the spin setting, teeth gnawing on the flesh of your bottom lip. If Teucer hadn’t been in the room, he would’ve been this close to kissing you.

“But if it’s worth anything,” your voice slowly, softly starts, cautious and wary of your thoughts. “I think...Ajax suits you best.”

Curse fate. Curse the legendary Archons. Curse karma and deities and spirits because all he wants to do right now is stand and tower over you, trap you between himself and his desk so you can’t escape, take those pretty lips between his until they’re bruised and swollen because of him, hear you call out his name in the throes of pleasure so he can finally replace his fantasies with tangible memories. The unnatural, magnetic pull that draws him to you is unbearable now -- he feels like he’ll lose the last tendrils of his sanity if he doesn’t do something.

You can’t stop him from slowly reaching out to grab one of your hands, lifting it towards him until he’s close enough for you to feel his breath ghost over your knuckles. It sends a shiver down your spine and blood is pounding in your ears because you can’t begin to fathom what he’s thinking about while doing this, even more so when his lips make contact with your skin and your breath hitches, stuck in your throat as he languidly peeks at you beneath his eyelashes with a heated gaze, then lowly confessing, “My name sounds best when you say it.”

Good heavens.

It’s difficult to swallow and keep your composure, especially when Teucer yells out in glee over, what you can assume, beating something in his game, and Childe drops your hand. But his dilated pupils don’t retract in the slightest, refusing to let you look away so that maybe, you can understand what he’s trying to convey to you. He’s taking the first step because he’s terrible and can’t contain his self-control anymore, pushing the ball into your court, ready for you to either play or exit into the sidelines.

When you do blink, there’s a vision of your naked body wrapped around another, limbs clinging desperately to a sturdy and panting frame. Lips, much like the ones that have seared themselves onto your knuckles, are at your neck and sucking, biting, before moving to your ear and laying filthy words into them that drive you closer to the edge. It all happens so fast that you feel you’ve just experienced whiplash, yet also feeling secondhand embarrassment at how lewd some of these thoughts have been.

You can’t stay here any longer.

“I-I have to go,” spills off your tongue before you can really think about it. The way the haze shatters in his eyes is heartbreaking in its own way, but there’s no time for you to explain. Your brain is in overdrive and eager to run, run, run. It detects danger on all fronts, but you muster out a, “H-have a good break, come find me next semester, mmk?”

And you’re out the door with inhuman speed. When the door clicks shut, only then does Teucer look up from his screen and frown at the lack of your presence. “Where’d they go?”

Chlide doesn’t seem to hear him, and Teucer has never seen his big brother look so sad and confused before.

-

He holds on to that last tendril of hope, because mark his words, he will find you come January.

-

After about a week at home, enjoying the festive time with his family and mildly unconcerned about next year’s courses because that was a problem for another day, Childe has his first, crazy, nonsensical dream.

At least, that’s what he tells himself when he snaps awake and his body aches with exhaustion. Not only are his joints in agony, he also feels like he’s sporting unforeseen bruises, which makes absolutely no sense because he hasn’t done anything that would warrant them, no matter how much he and his brothers do some rough-housing. His night of sleep was all consumed by flashes and scenes of weapon fighting, lucid enough to remember feeling his arms flex and wield bows and double-headed polearms and being cognizant of all the enemies??? surrounding him. They ranged from deranged looking monsters, floating beings with soulless masks, and large humans in electricity-padded armor, to behemoth machines in the sky that could leave you within an inch of your life thanks to a drill for a hand?!

But what’s even worse is that you seem to have managed a deal with Morpheus himself and infiltrated his dreams. You were there, too, sometimes fighting with him, sometimes against him, much to his dismay, and while it was nice, he just didn’t get it. Why the friendliness and hostility? Why was there an anger that overtook him when looking directly at you, parrying your blade and sending harmful arcs of water toward your figure?

Why did he relish the fear in your eyes when he darted towards you with electricity cracking through the air?

There’s an overwhelming sensation now to grab his phone to text you and apologize -- for what, he can’t fathom and there are no words to accurately convey what he’s thinking. “Hey, sorry for wanting to kill you in my dream :( “? Or “Sorry for being a friend but then stabbing you in the back, but then being nice to you again”?

And the only thing that really made sense was the serenity and contentment that would course through his veins as the two of you danced around on ivory sandy beaches, picking up shiny blue starconches and taking down more weird creatures; the breathlessness when you would fall back into the water and re-emerge to reconfirm his beliefs that you were one of the most beautiful humans he’d ever laid his eyes on; the love--

Hold the fuck up.

He doesn’t love you. He likes you a whole lot and he’s severely and deathly attracted to you, but he doesn’t love you. Your existence has only been made known to him for about two months, and he didn’t really start talking to you until three weeks in. So no matter how comfortable he feels with you, no matter how much he wishes that you were sleeping peacefully next to him so his nights wouldn’t feel so lonely, it was too early, too hasty, to say that he loves you.

“I’ve been wondering, why didn’t you bring them home?” His mother asks him out of nowhere during breakfast, all to add to this extremely tumultuous roller-coaster morning he’s been having. All he wants to do is eat his bowl of milk and cereal, then potentially go back to sleep before fulfilling his promise to go with his siblings to the nearby skating rink. It takes everything in him to not choke on his spoon of grains.

“Agreed, didn’t you mention they didn’t really have any family to go back to and that the move to Liyue was semi-permanent?” His father chimes in, laying a quick peck on his wife’s temple. “It’s never fun to spend the holidays alone.”

“They would’ve felt like they were intruding,” Childe replies quietly, stabbing his bowl a few times before scooping up another spoonful of cereal to his mouth. “I know we’re friends, but we haven’t known each other for that long, and maybe they’d be uncomfortable because that’s a lot honestly…”

“You don’t know until you try,” his mother sings and pats him on the shoulder. “We do have a guest room after all.”

“For them and their twin?”

“And quite a comfortable futon with enough blankets.”

Childe smiles fondly at his parents’ kindness. He can only imagine what this winter break would’ve been like now -- you and your twin floating around, trying to help out with certain chores, sitting by the fireplace and watching TV, huddled up with mugs of hot chocolate, playing board games with everyone and engaging in all the shenanigans…

Laughing. Loving. Grinning. Basking.

Handing over one of his hoodies to you as a sick way of torturing yet blessing himself for seeing how lovely you look in his clothes, standing silently in the doorway as you attempt to help out with mealtimes next to his mother, watching you run around in the backyard and dodging his siblings’ snowballs while lodging a few of your own -- how wonderful it all would be.

But he squashes it down as quickly as possible, because you escaped his grasp. You ran away from his advances temporarily and even though you gave him permission to seek you out come the spring semester, he worries that you might take it back. Something will wake up inside of you to keep him out of your heart and your life, and he’s not confident enough at this point to believe there’s a good chance you will come spend the holidays with him and his family next year.

“Maybe next year, ma,” he sends her a hesitant, yet somewhat broken purse of his lips that’s just the least bit curved. It tells her everything he’s thinking, and the quick patting of his cheek lets him know she understands.

Half an hour later, Childe finds himself curled up on his side under the sheets, phone in hand as he stares at a blinking cursor. It shouldn’t be so hard to send a text to convey his holiday greetings, because that’s all it is -- part of him is becoming desperate and aching for some interaction with you, even if it’s just a text sent back for conventional social pleasantries. He’ll take it for now, right?

Before he can totally chicken out, his thumbs quickly type a, “Happy Holidays, (y/n) :)”, and it’s a little embarrassing how quickly after he hits the ‘send’ button that he tosses it over his shoulder so he’s not directly looking at it anymore. His heartbeat is too quick and he prays for no phantom vibrations or phantom sound notifications to avoid any disappointment of thinking he got a reply. It was a harmless text, yet he’s treating it like he just got assigned on a mission to go and murder someone for the first time. What will he do if you never text him back? Does that mean you really don’t want to talk to him? Are you dead in a ditch somewhere? Did you change numbers and not tell him? Did your twin get all the details and make the executive decision to block his number? Will he never get a chance to talk to you again, even if it’s about something in the Teyvat Mythology class next semester? Will you--

His shoulder screams in protest when he quickly flips himself over at the text notification sound, hands shakily unlocking his phone and opening up your conversation again. His heart rate significantly decreases, reaching back to its normal pace, especially as he reads the little words on his screen.

“Happy Holidays, Ajax ^^”

There is hope.

-

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?”

You’re huddled under the comforter of your twin’s bed, phone just peeking above the edge as you stare at it with a brightness in your eyes. For the most part, you had been sulking there, apart from meals and going back to your own room to sleep, and mentally berating yourself for the way you reacted to Childe the week before.

“He just texted me to say happy holidays,” shrugging to put on a facade of indifference. It’s stupid that you’re trying to hide your feelings from your twin of all people, who could pick apart and identify your emotions in a heartbeat. A roll of his eyes lets you know that you haven’t fooled him at all.

“So you think that whatever comment he made, which was very suggestive and indicative of clearly non-platonic feelings, was just something...friendly? Remind me again how you came to that conclusion?”

“I don’t know what I was thinking!” You whine, looking around to see if there was anything you could toss at him. “It’s just, with everything, all the dreams and stupid gut feelings, I just -- I don’t know, okay?? I can’t tell you enough how much I wish I had just kissed his stupid face and see where it goes from there.”

“Okay, gross, but don’t beat yourself up. Though...I do have a good idea on how to maybe get a good reaction out of him. You wanna go to the New Years’ celebration at Xiangling’s?”

“I think she’d threaten me with a knife if I didn’t. She wanted to go shopping at some point, too.”

“I’ll drop the overprotective brother act for one night, okay? One night, just to let this happen, and for your peace of mind.”

He does a fair amount of conspiring with Xiangling, a friend they met one time at a restaurant a couple years ago, even tagging along on the shopping trip. Together, the three of you find yourself a dress that Xiangling swears would make any person drool over you, including Childe, because at the end of the day, he was a person with the possibility of being attracted to you.

You think it’s a bit silly, but honestly, what do you have to lose at this point?

-

At 11:57PM on New Years’ Eve, Childe is standing outside in the freezing cold with his family, arms lifting up bags of sparklers and fireworks. They’ve driven out closer to the wild like they do every year, and everybody excitedly gets lighters ready, making sure someone’s got a clock out there that tells the seconds. As the younger kids open up the packaging and argue over which one to set off first, Childe’s phone vibrates in his coat pocket.

It’s 11:58PM when he manages to fish the device out and thank himself for buying gloves that are touch-screen friendly, excited to see that there are two texts from you, the latter reading, “Happy New Year!”. It doesn’t matter that you’re a little early, but he’s mainly intrigued by the fact a photo came before it. In his mind, you’re probably curled up with your twin brother, hopefully a selfie because wow, he misses your face.

He gets something else instead, and he is so glad that it’s dark outside and the electric lamp they have is too far away from him to draw any attention.

You have your arm around your brother’s waist and another girl’s that he doesn’t recognize, but it’s a full frontal view of your outfit, one that hugs your curves beautifully and shows more cleavage than he’s ever seen from you, sophisticated and elegant, yet fun and leaving enough to the imagination. There’s a bright smile coming from all of you, and you look like you’re at someone’s house or apartment with plenty of other people milling around in the back, but they don’t matter, not when all he can focus on is you.

Gorgeous, breathtaking, arousing, mind blowing, and gods, he wishes he could teleport to Liyue at this moment, find you, and kiss you right at midnight. Fuck the fact that he doesn’t exactly believe in superstitions like, “Kissing your significant other at midnight means you’ll last forever!” but he’s willing to take the chance with it on this night and the ones after, if he’s allowed. He tries not to think too much about pinning you against the wall and letting the world dissolve -- wants to be the one with the privilege to drag down that zipper and feel his bare skin on yours, and --

As Teucer starts yelling there’s only a minute left, he instinctively locks his phone and shoves it away out of anyone’s view. The last thing he needs is his family teasing him about ogling at your photo for a straight 50 seconds, wide-eyed and pupils on the verge of dilating, the visible breath leaving his mouth just a smudge more dense and prominent than usual.

The only thing he can do to distract himself from popping a boner in front of his parents is to join in on the countdown, making sure all the fireworks are set up correctly and grabbing a sparkler for himself. He waves it around with Tonia and promises to fulfill her wishes of taking one of those pictures right as she draws a pattern in the air. Their excitement is palpable and addicting, and even though the larger fireworks set off a few seconds after midnight hits, the nostalgia fills his lungs with fond memories and future wishes that they only continue this tradition for as long as possible, and hopefully, with you at his side.

-

When it’s 12:04AM, you get a picture message back of Childe bundled up in a black paletot coat, matching beanie and all, a gloved hand holding a sparkler and lips curved upwards, with a caption that says, “Happy New Year’s! See you soon :)”. You show it to Xiangling and your brother, both taking it as a win in their books, although the former does tipsily protest that there should be a better indicator of Childe’s brain breaking at how amazing you look right now. Maybe she’s prophetic, because another text chimes in and the words set you aflame, as well as suggestive whoops into your ears.

It’s a simple, “You look incredible btw”.

If you didn’t want to properly savor this moment, you would’ve found the nearest shot of the strongest liquor and tossed it back with abandon. But you want to remember the warmth in your veins that wasn’t from the alcohol or the heating, the fluttering of your heartbeat, the teeth-baring grin that you couldn’t fight off, the constant re-reading of those four words -- because they’re so different from everything you had been feeling before with him, the need for protection, the need to escape. Instead, you’d like to be in his arms right now and see for yourself how he’d look at you in this moment, and if he would take any action.

You want him to. So, so bad.

-

Childe spends his last week at home hating the fact that you’re just sitting around somewhere in Liyue, doing whatever you’re doing, probably doing some light preparation for your last semester of classes, and he’s not there to take advantage of all this free time and hang out with you. When classes start, it’ll be busy and hectic. You still have your thesis to finish and revise, and while that won’t eat up all your time, it’s still some that he’d want to fill in with his presence if he could. He debates whether or not he should ask for your schedule and compare it with his, maybe set up meetings every other day or propose that they all eat one meal together every day. Childe’s not quite sure of what you plan to do after graduation, as it hasn’t come up in conversation yet, but either way, he’s determined to stay in contact and make things work out. Long distance isn’t ideal, but with technology now, he’ll take it.

He feels a little bad for how excited he probably looked to be leaving home, uncharacteristic for the most part. His older siblings have already gone back to their respective homes, and it’s mainly Teucer and Tonia that worry and tear up when he starts packing his belongings. Tonia finds it unfair that Teucer got to meet you first and the latter makes sure to rub it into everyone’s faces. It’s hard for Childe to sleep on the plane because he’s thrumming with excitement, yet somehow even more nervous than usual when the plane hits small bouts of turbulence, and he doesn’t seem to relax until he sets foot back on campus.

He’s here. It’s January, and you’re physically closer to him than ever in the last two weeks.

-

“Found you.”

On the first day of classes, you’re sitting alone with some salad greens in a bowl, poking your fork at some scraps while you watch something on your phone, earbuds in and back towards the entrance of the canteen. It would explain the unannounced entrance of the very person who’s been at the forefront of nearly every thought in the last 96 hours, his fingers gingerly removing an earbud to surprise you as best as possible, and you startle in your seat.

Your heart kicks into overdrive when he hands you back your earbud and pulls out the seat next to you, setting his own plate of food down as he plops down in his chair. But then he says nothing afterwards, instead choosing to send you a cheeky grin before digging in. You’re left to slowly phase out of your state of shock, stuck between either running away or frantically texting your twin to come and save you even though he was off on a date with Keqing.

It’s not that you weren’t elated at the fact that Childe had done exactly as you told him last month, you just weren’t...prepared? It’s a shitty excuse and a cop out -- you’re mainly just having trouble with racking your brain to find the right words. What are you supposed to say? What should you do? Is it socially acceptable to lean over and kiss him on the cheek because that’s what you’d like to impulsively do at this very second??

“So you did,” you settle and steal a roasted potato wedge from his plate. It’s his turn to be taken by surprise, but he gets over it much quicker than you do. In fact, he spears two wedges and drops them in your bowl, smiling at you as best as he can with a mouth full of food. You give them your thanks before the silence settles in again.

“Did you have a good break?” He asks before his next bite.

“I did. You?”

“It was nice. My parents said I should’ve brought you and your twin home to spend the holidays with us. Can’t say it didn’t cross my mind before finals.”

Holy shit, what? “We couldn’t intrude like that, but that’s really nice of you guys.”

“That’s okay, there’s plenty of chances to visit later.”

You tilt your head and furrow your eyebrows. “But we graduate this semester?”

Childe challenges you with one of his own eyebrows raised. “And? Are we never gonna see each other again?”

Honestly, the possibility had occurred to you. You aren’t entirely sure of Childe’s plans after graduation, and if that meant he was staying in Liyue or going back to Snezhnaya or even moving to Inazuma or Mondstat. While people preach on and on about how lasting friendships and relationships are often formed during college, you believe it’s more common to slowly drift apart as life gets busier. And if Childe moved away, or if you did, it’d be hard to consistently keep in touch with 10 hour workdays.

The thought saddens you, regardless. You like him so much and you’re glad that he was even in your life to begin with, because as unbelievable as it sounds, seeing him was almost akin to the feeling of coming home. Amidst all your nerves, your confusion, your spiraling thoughts, something deeply sated in your heart was a comfort that you found with very few people in your life whenever in his presence.

The thought of leaving and never looking back somehow doesn’t feel new -- it’s bittersweet, but the air in your lungs feels like it’s surrendered to something, like it was to be expected.

“You can’t just leave without telling me--”

“It was last minute! I had no choice!”

“You could’ve written up a message, anything--”

“Can you imagine the position you’d be in if the message got intercepted? I wouldn’t have been safe, she’d make you come after me--”

“As if you’d be any safer in Inazuma of all places! That’s the one place I can’t easily get to!”

“I can take care of myself, Childe, I don’t need you to protect me.”

“This isn’t about me protecting you, (y/n) and -- stop walking, will you?!”

“Then what is this about?” You spin on your wheel with eyes aflame. “Why are you so angry with me? It’s normal for me to disappear for weeks at a time, why was this any different?”

“Because you could’ve died!” He yells back in despair, chest heaving. Your silence is his cue to continue. “You could’ve died and I wouldn’t have known until much later. You could’ve died and all I’d ever think about were the things I never got to say to you, and how I wish I had treated every day with you like it was our last.”

It isn’t hard to tell that you’re stunned and at a complete loss for words. Childe often hides behind facades of charm and wit, and only when he is truly weak does he choose to be this vulnerable, baring his heart for you to see.

“I only have two nightmares in this world. One, my family being harmed in any way. Two, reading in a report or hearing from an agent that you’ve been captured and killed.”

“I like to think that we will.”

His hand reaches out to lay on top of yours, giving it a quick squeeze. “Well, let’s make the most of it this semester.”

Conversation afterwards is easy, filling each other in on holiday activities. Childe speaks extensively about several family traditions and you listen with rapt attention, basking in how fond he is of all of them. Even as you both bring your dishes to the return belt and leave, he immediately offers to drive you both somewhere to get boba, noticing your reluctance to part ways. But boba shops have to close, and you both have class tomorrow morning, and you’re both finding any excuse to keep talking, even if that means sitting outside your dorm building on a nearby bench.

You eventually bid each other good night’s and see you later’s, him refusing to walk away until the heavy door locks shut behind you after you swipe your student ID, and you looking over your shoulder to watch his figure disappear into the night.

-

True to his intentions, Childe makes great efforts to meet you at least once a day, and he can’t get enough. Each parting from you tugs and tugs at his heart, as if there’s a high possibility you’ll never want to see him again the next day, and he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Your twin and Childe get along well for the most part, and he even meets Xiangling on one of her shifts at her regular restaurant, who sends you a salacious wink and an eyebrow wiggle over his shoulder that nearly causes you to burst from embarrassment.

February rolls over without a hitch, even if you’re a little disappointed that Childe didn’t make a move for Valentine’s Day. Granted, you two still spent time with each other and he’s so darn physically affectionate and he bought you a carnation from the event his dorm held, but you wish you had the guts to fess up and just kiss the man.

It’ll happen some day, you tell yourself. You have time before graduation.

Two days before the end of the Friday that would signal the start of Spring Break, you wake up in a cold sweat, mind reeling and head splitting, heart so so heavy, as a connection is made between your present and your dreams. Not long after, there are tears streaming silently down your face and into your open palms placed in your lap, and you sit in shock as everything comes back to you. Memories are such treasured burdens, you realize.

For the most part, you had gotten used to the dreams, choosing to take charge of what you know and feel now with Childe over succumbing to some strange neurological premonitions. Especially in your dreams when many people’s faces were blurred over and hazy, and the only things you could rely on were voices, touch, and other physical features. You thought that maybe your mind was just playing tricks by transposing Childe’s hair onto a body that was also strikingly similar to his, but for the first time last night, you could see each defining feature on his face as clear as day.

The sight of his figure arching gracefully over yours, the water arrows that appeared out of thin air, the back that protected you from some military men, the voice that said, “Hey girlie, hold still.”

And that was when you had snapped awake to your current state.

Past the initial shock and uncontrollable tears, you soon bent over as sobs wracked your chest, overwhelmed by all the emotions and the pain the memories brought you; losing your twin, finding him to only be left with even more questions after roaming for decades and decades, meeting all your loved ones throughout Mondstat and Liyue, fighting yet falling so hard for Childe, feeling the fear when facing his Foul Legacy form, hating him for Osial, loving him, breathing heavily as the tip of your blade was pointed at his neck and his own just centimeters from yours, tendrils of water inching closer and closer--

Everything makes sense now.

When you meet your twin for lunch at the cafeteria, you pay no mind to the fact that you’re in public and hug him harder than you ever have in years. He’s already a little alarmed that your eyes seem swollen and you look like finals came two months early, but when he asks what’s wrong, all he gets is a shake of your head and nothing more than, “Just a bad nightmare. I love you, y’know that?”

“I love you too?”

“Don’t sound so unsure, now let’s go and get in line before they run out of Jueyun Chili Chicken.”

Even when you meet Xiao later in the early evening to talk about your thesis, you find yourself holding back more tears just two minutes in, reminded of his past and his own life, and he’s moderately concerned, hesitantly handing you a tissue from the corner of his desk when a stray tear escapes. “Is everything okay?” He hesitantly asks, really hoping that he didn’t do anything to make you cry.

“No,” you almost wail and sniffle while dabbing at your eyes. “Sorry, it’s just been a really long day.”

Xiao’s inquisitive gaze softens, remembering how hard undergraduate life could be sometimes. Graduate school was a whole other level, but that shouldn’t discount your own personal difficulties. Plus, in all of the year and a half that he’s known you, you’ve never broken down like this before in front of him.

“You work really hard, Xiao,” you continue, and he’s not sure where this is coming from. “You’re always so helpful and willing to work with me and answer my stupid questions and like-- you practice self-care, right?”

Xiao nods as a white lie, but it seems to comfort you. Maybe too much because you pull him in for a quick and unexpected hug, and you both decide to reschedule this meeting for tomorrow.

As per usual, you wait for Childe to join you for dinner since you finished up earlier than expected. It gives you more time to think about everyone from Mondstat -- Kaeya, Diluc, Lisa, Jean, Amber...funny to think that some things never changed as you compared their past version to the ones you know now.

“Mora for your thoughts?”

There’s a peace that warms your heart when you hear Childe’s voice, one that forces you to smile at him as he sits down next to you. “Just thinking about old friends.”

“I have to admit, I’ll be a little jealous if it’s another guy taking up more space than me in that pretty brain of yours.”

What a flirt. This man isn’t good for your heart. “Who said you had any to begin with?”

He dramatically places a hand over his heart. “You wound me, (y/n). How will I ever recover?”

“You’re ridiculous,” you snicker. Childe reaches over to pinch your cheek and you bat at him in protest. Easily, he grabs one of your hands and simply pulls you towards the food lines, knowing that you’ll stop fighting back soon.

Part of it feels strange now to feel and see his hands with no leather gloves on.

“Childe,” you start halfway through your meal, continuing after he hums back in reply. “Do you believe in reincarnation?”

He freezes briefly, but recovers so quickly that if you hadn’t been watching so closely, you wouldn’t have noticed. “I think it’s neat, the idea of having past lives. Why do you ask?”

What he really wants to ask is if you’ve been having those dreams, too; if he’s starring in your nights like you have been in his.

“Just a thought, especially since you’re taking Teyvat Myth now, too.”

“Do you...do you think if there was a past life, that we knew each other?”

There’s something about the look of content on your face before you meet his gaze -- he thinks that you know more than you’re letting on but you’re holding back for some reason. He wants to know what’s going through your brain right now, why the fondness in your eyes sends a jolt through him like he’s been searching for it all his life, if you know anything about this magnetic pull between you two.

“I like to think that we knew each other well.”

-

Even though the first day of your returned memories was somewhat eventful, you couldn’t help but feel yourself wanting to pull back from Childe -- at least, until you can successfully compartmentalize which emotions belonged to you past self and which ones belonged to your current mindset. You didn’t quite agree with his duties and his affiliation with the Fatui back then, even if he had his reasons that did make sense, to some degree.

The killing, the threatening, so intent on stealing Rex Lapis’s Gnosis in the name of the Tsaritsa, summoning Osial as a mean to an end -- and you definitely can’t forget how stubborn he was in not listening to your protests, so caught up in his brain that you had betrayed him and sent you plummeting to a near-death experience despite his earlier promise of no intention of killing you specifically.

Everything had been toeing a faint, thin line with Childe then. Undeniable chemistry and tension, guarding yourself for yours and Paimon’s safety, slashing at Fatui agents, whispering out pleas and affirmations of “I’m yours” while riding him, sometimes having to sneak out in the mornings…

The only thing you don’t remember is how everything ends -- maybe it’ll come back to you eventually, but for now, you think you’re okay not knowing.

If Childe still doesn’t remember anything from back then, you think it’d be unfair to spend time with him in all your conflicting emotions, even when it’s spring break, where you have so much more hours in the day to be with each other than normal. Fun plans around Liyue had been made, like a two-day one-night trip to Yaoguang Shoal, and you’re this close to cancelling on him.

But he had been looking forward to it so much, even made most of the preparations for it. Who are you to rob that joy from him when it was you who couldn’t figure out your own shit? Are you self-destructing?

Perhaps.

Before you know it, you’re sitting in the passenger seat of his car, staring out the window at the scenery. Somehow, it pleased you to see that the nature of Liyue had been carefully preserved over the many centuries despite its development into the modern age. You get lost in picking apart the differences between then and now that you don’t notice how quiet you’ve fallen and Childe looks over worriedly when you show no reaction to your favorite songs playing on the stereo.

Even when he calls your name once, twice, nothing gives as you clearly have tuned everything out. So he leaves you be until there’s about half an hour left on the drive, unable to hold back and succumbing to reach over for your hand. You startle so strongly that he almost feels bad for having done it unannounced. But what’s even more disturbing is that this isn’t really the first time.

You’ve been talking to him less, often sitting quietly and staring off into another world that he can’t seem to reach. His texts are answered less frequently and with less wit and enthusiasm, so much so that he just appreciates you still show up to see him. Each time he asks if you’re okay, you always affirm that you are. He’s had a hard time believing you, but Childe believes you’ll tell him when you’re ready, surely.

It’s a little ironic yet fateful that Childe planned to bring you here, of all places. In the past, you had spent many days and nights running around in the sand with him, fighting slimes and hilichurls and collecting starconches for him. You remember laying on a large towel next to him as you both looked up into the sky, pointing out stars and constellations while sharing endless kisses away from prying, spying eyes.

“I’m sorry, I must’ve zoned out,” you sincerely apologize.

“It’s okay, I just wanna make sure you relax while we’re here. This is supposed to be a vacation.”

“You’re right,” you agree and squeeze his hand. “Let’s make the most of it before we become adults who are too busy to have fun like this again.”

And you do. Childe rented a small beach cabin (rich boys) closer to one end of the shoreline, just big enough with two bedrooms, a bathroom, and a small kitchen with a dining table. You help him bring in your bags and some groceries bought the night before, setting them down quickly so you can peer out the window again to take in the view. Childe picked a good time, too. Although it’d be a little chilly at night, the day was still warm and mainly overcast with clouds.

“What do you say we change into our swimsuits and head down to the water?”

“Sure.”

Childe hadn’t really been expecting for you to step out in a large, casual tee and gym shorts, one shoulder exposed. He might have been hoping to see a little more skin, but his mother didn’t raise a chauvinistic pervert for a son.

The light in your eyes as you both approach the water is everything he had been missing the last few days, your excitement and joy contagious. As soon as you place everything down on the sand, you kick off your flip flops and leave him behind to step into the water, giggling at feeling the waves crash over your ankles and bring sand between your toes. Childe approaches you from behind and starts smearing sunblock on the back of your neck, to which you just grin beautifully at him in thanks and he has to fight off the desire to kiss you right then and there.

You’re too caught up in embracing the ocean afterwards to feel the shrinking distance between you two, mistaking his warmth for the general spring air. It isn’t until he’s done with your shoulders that he hands you the bottle to leave you to do the rest of your body, and when you turn to thank him, he’s much closer than you remember. His eyes are gentle, holding your gaze and almost daring you to look away first.

But if there’s one thing you can place without a shred of doubt, it is the unmistakable look of love, because you had seen it many, many times before without knowing until later what it meant.

How so incredibly lucky you were to have Childe back in your life now, loving you all the same, and with no life-threatening barriers. Fate or the Archons have given you a second chance, and you’d be damned to take it for granted.

Childe welcomes your lips against his, wasting no time to bring you into his arms so you’re pressed against him as much as possible. He can’t care for the overt public display of affection because this is everything he’s wanted for months now, waiting patiently for you to give him permission to make you his. Your lips are incredibly soft and pliant against his as you first kiss him patiently, then applying more force and desperation to taste more of him. He mirrors you, one hand cradling the back of your head and the other on your neck with a thumb extended to your jawline, teeth moving to nip at your bottom lip. It’s dangerous, the way you smile against his lips, and when he sinks his teeth in deeper before pulling back, your quiet mewl nearly drives him over the edge.

But you’re in public, and this was an amazing first kiss. You two have a beach to enjoy and a fun night planned, and now that he doesn’t have to hold back on his affections, it’ll be even better.

His lips part from yours regretfully, his eyes languidly opening to meet yours. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a blue starconch in the sand and freezes.

It’s not that he’s never seen one before, but something clicks. You. The shore. Starconches. Starry nights. His dreams. Monsters. Gods. Fighting. So much fighting. Training. His family. Dragons. You. Falling. You falling. You fighting him. Yelling. Kissing. Loving. Chasing. Him chasing you before you disappear at a teleport waypoint that somehow you only can operate. The abyss. Your twin.

Oh, Archons.

“ -ou okay, Ajax? Ajax?”

He snaps to look at you again. How does he go about this? How does he ask?

“(Y/n)...have you ever heard of the Fatui Harbingers?”

He has to admit that it’s a bit amazing to be able to identify all the emotions that cross your complexion, from curiosity to realization to conflicted. You’re actively trying to piece everything together without revealing too much on the off-chance that you’re wrong, that Childe hasn’t regained his memories and is just asking about something from class randomly and completely out of the blue.

Wait.

“You haven’t reached that material yet in class,” you whisper, heart in your throat at the realization. Could it really be…

“I was once Tartaglia, eleventh Harbinger of the Fatui, who possessed a Delusion and used my Foul Legacy Transformation with you several times,” he murmurs back, tucking a stray tendril behind your ear. “Is it too late to apologize again for summoning an ancient god and letting you fall about five floors with no warning?”

He should’ve been prepared for you wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him in for a tight embrace. “No, never, but I spent weeks after kicking your ass so you’ve been long forgiven.”

Childe burrows his face into your neck, breathing in your scent and basking in this moment. There was so much to talk about, but you two arguably had more time in the world than ever with nothing holding you back. There was no impending war looming over, no one on the run, no opposing forces. His silent wish for a different life with you seems to have been answered finally. If running into you had been the event to set everything in motion, he only wishes he’d done so earlier.

All that matters now is you’re here together in this plane of existence, given a chance to love again, and experience everything you couldn't before.

As written in the stars, take my soul for it is forever yours.

fin

[ciao950]

Theory about the original Dendro Archon, The God of Woods.

Hello there! This night, instead of sleeping, I thought about a theory regarding the God of Woods, who I firmly believe is none other than Baizhu.

Let's start saying that this theory is about Baizhu, Changsheng and Kusanali: The story of how they met and how they...ended. Also, in the end I'm gonna talk about the present situation in Sumeru.

Also, there might be some spoilers...

Let's begin with the story of Baizhu...which I think it's not even his real name, but we'll get there.

I'm not sure how he became the Archon of Sumeru...Maybe after graduating at the Academia he got an enormous amount of knowledge in both flora and fauna and so the people of Sumeru began worshipping him like a God.

(In the ancient times, people used to worship a person just because they were knowledgeable in...pretty much everything.)

So, looking at the situation, Celestia determined he was the most trusted person by the people, and so they made Baizhu the Archon. And that's how the God of Woods was born.

Let's now talk about how he met his longlife partner, Changsheng. (Which is also a fake name.)

I believe Changsheng is like Guoba: a God who lost their powers after getting murdered. Who am I talking about? Of course it's Orobashi.

We learn that Raiden Ei slaughtered Orobashi, in order to stop them. I don't remember Orobashi's backstory, but we've already learnt that in game.

I believe, after getting slain, Orobashi got reincarnated into a young Inazuman girl's body. Like is shown in the anime Magi and...in history too, in Middle-East, which is represented by Sumeru, slavery was common. So I believe Changsheng just lied there, some sumerian rich man got her and then sold her as a slave. That's when she met Baizhu.

She was probably offered to the God since she was foreign and so "deemed valuable".

I believe the two of them got really well with each other.

I think she remembers to have been Orobashi, unlike Guoba, because that's an incentive to the two of them looking for "eternal life"...but we'll talk about this later.

Let's move on onto the third character I'm going to talk about. Yup, it's none other than Lesser Lord Kusanali.

At the end of Inazuma's quest, Yae Miko talks about where the traveler and Paimon should go next: She suggests Sumeru.

After that, we also learn from her that the most important figure in Sumeru is this 'Lesser Lord Kusanali'.

After re-watching this part, I noticed that Yae has never used the word 'Archon' to describe her...just the word 'Deity'...

Which is pretty much the same, BUT it has differences.

It's like calling a square a rectangle...it's technically correct, but there's a more appropriate termination to use.

Also, it's kinda weird that the most important and powerful person in the nation has the appellation of 'Lesser Lord'...

Now, moving into her backstory...

I've been reading some artifacts' descriptions...and after reading the Viridescent Venerer's I got an illumination.

The Viridescent Venerer and Lesser Lord Kusanali are one and the same!!

Let me explain, The VV is actually the 'Queen of Hunters' who just hunted for fun and maybe boredom...

Suddenly, she saw a boy running away from a monster.

(In the english translation, it is said that the boy was killed, but it's probably another error because in the original version, the beast only injured him.)

She proceeded to kill the monster in front of the boy, in order to protect him.

Now the theory part begins.

(Oh, forgot to mention that the boy was The God of Woods.)

But since Baizhu is technically the God of flora and fauna, he scolded her for doing so.

He was probably there to investigate because of the Calamity, which of course happened in Khaenri'ah but there may have been some minor manifestations in the other nations, too.

Maybe the animals of the forest where Baizhu was attacked were being affected by the Calamity, and Baizhu was just looking out for the cause.

However, Kusanali(She's still a Deity, after all.) knew he was the Archon and she might have asked him to be her mentor.

And Baizhu may have accepted because he had already sensed what was going to happen to him during the Cataclysm...(To let Kusanali be his heir.) Maybe the plants and animals had a bad feeling and he sensed this.

However, that's how the God of Woods, The reincarnation of Orobashi and the Queen of Hunters became acquainted.

Now...it's story time! Of course, I'm going to explain, in my opinion, what has happened in Sumeru during the Cataclysm.

First of all, why has the God of Woods 'perished'?

The answer is quite simple: he figured out Celestia's secret.

I don't know if it's true or if it's another theory, but I think Lisa knows their secret too. Celestia punishes whoever tries to uncover the truth behind them by shortening their life. What about Baizhu? He's a God, after all.

I got to the conclusion they didn't want to think about someway to curse him, so they just severely injured him, to let him die.

After having found him agonizing on the ground, both Changsheng and Kusanali tried to cure him, but there was nothing to do: his body, cursed by Celestia's slash, had lost his eternification.

So, he would be vulnerable to anyone, from random thieves to Celestia themselves. They came to the conclusion that it would be dangerous for Baizhu to stay in Sumeru.

After a while, they learn about Qiqi, a girl who was brought back to life by the Adepti. So, the three of them decide to send Baizhu to Liyue, together with Changsheng, to study this girl and to gain their immortality back.

While Baizhu is incognito in Liyue, Kusanali plays the role of the Dendro Archon.

Ironically, the dendro slime hides in the ground(Mirroring Baizhu hiding in Liyue, land of the Geo Archon.), while only a flower is visible on the outside(Mirroring Kusanali being the God of Flower.)

"But there is no way Celestia still hasn't figured out the truth!!"

What if...Baizhu and Changsheng made a contract with Morax, God of Contracts?

Simply, they could have asked him to host them in Liyue in exchange of something...that could be everything, maybe even medical care for the people of Liyue.

"Yeah but Zhongli didn't know Baizhu when he first met him!!"

My theory about this is that Changsheng and Baizhu could have just changed their appearance, in order to not act suspicious and to attract Celestia's eyes. Archons can change their appearance, so it's a plausible explanation. Also, Qiqi claims to not remember Dr.Baizhu's face, so it's another valid point. He might have changed his face multiple times but Qiqi has never noticed.

Or, Zhongli could have just lied to protect his secret, who knows.

While in Sumeru...

Let's analyze the Genshin Trailer...

"The God of Wisdom's enemy is wisdom itself."

It might mean that Kusanali, the God of Wisdom, fears the 'wisdom', because it can lead the people of Sumeru to the actual truth.

"...and the oasis of knowledge is a mirage in the desert of ignorance."

But, luckily for her, seems like only a few people know the truth, while the others who don't know it don't even question themselves about it.

"In the city of scholars there is a push for folly..."

So, everyone in Sumeru is driven away from the truth because they CAN'T know the truth, otherwise the God of Woods would be in danger.

"...yet the God of Wisdom makes no argument against it."

And well, of course it's convenient to Kusanali. She has to protect the secret, after all.

In the end, Lesser Lord Kusanali reigns over Sumeru, lying to her people about her being the Archon.

The only people who know the truth are Baizhu, Changsheng, Kusanali, Zhongli and Cyno.

Cyno...why Cyno?

First of all, Cyno is a character from Sumeru who has appeared both in the Genshin manga and in the Genshin Trailer.

His design is inspired by Anubis, the God of mummification and graveyards.

Which is why I think he's in charge of guarding the God of Woods' coffin, grave or whatever was made for him.

I don't know if this role was assigned to him because he's one of the Sages or because Kusanali trusts him. The fact is that I believe he opened the coffin(by chance or even voluntarily) and actually saw that...guess what? It's actually as empty as Zhongli's wallet!

I believe he wants to figure out the truth about this, that's why I also believe he'll ask the traveler to help him, because the other people of Sumeru refuse to acknowledge the fact that have been, in fact, deceived by their own ruler.

Last thing

When, in the manga, Cyno was called by Lisa to exorcize Collei in Mondstadt, the coffin was left unattended.

I CAN OBJECT!

When Cyno's busy(cuz boi...let that man rest at least for a while), the person who takes his place in such an important role must be a person very close to Kusanali...and who do we know that matches this description?

Yup, none other than Al-Haitam.

Al-Haitam is the expy of Su from Honkai Impact 3d, which is said to be very close to Kusanali.

Well...that's the end for today! Hope you enjoyed my theory and...let's just hope Sumeru comes fast! Stay safe guys!

[felassan]

Some DA trivia and dev commentary from Twitter

There’s a lot of different tweets, so I’m just pasting and linking to the source rather than screencapping them all or making several different posts or something. Post under cut for length.

User: Was dragon age 2 your favourite in the franchise?

David Gaider: DA2 was the project where my writing team was firing on all cylinders, and they wrote like the wind- because they had to! Second draft? Pfft. Plot reviews? Pfft. I was so proud of what we all accomplished in such a brief time. I didn't think it was possible. [source] DA2 is, however, also where the goal posts kept moving. Things kept getting cut, even while we worked. I had to write that dialogue where Orsino turned even if you sided with him, because his boss battle had been cut and there was no time to fix the plot. A real WTF moment. >:( [source]

Mike Rousseau: I remember bugging that! And then being told it wasn't a bug, and being so confused. Doing QA for DA2 was an experience. Trial by fire. [source]

DG: So I think it's safe to say DA2 is my favorite entry in the DA franchise and also the sort of thing I never want to live through ever again. Mixed feelings galore. [source]

User: (I personally blame whoever it was for ruining most romance arcs in other games for me; they don't live up to Fenris's romance storyline)

DG: I wrote Fenris, so uh - me, I guess? Or maybe his cinematic designer, who put in the puppy dog eyes. [source]

User: If DA2 had just been an expansion, do you think it would have been better received? There was a lot of great stuff in there, and I think my initial dislike of it was because of the zone reuse. If it hadn't needed to be a full game, would that issue not have arisen?

DG: Hard to say. It was either going to be an over-scoped expansion or an under-scoped sequel. If it had stayed an expansion, it might never have received the resources/push it DID get. [source]

User: I'd love to visit the universe where you had an extra year or so to work on it. You did a very good job as it stands, but it definitely had rough edges. Not just the writing team either. The whole game had hit and miss moments, that just a little more dev time could have fixed.

DG: On one hand, DA2 existed to fill a hole in the release schedule. More time was never in the cards. DA2 was originally planned as an expansion! On the other, if we had more time, would we have started doing that thing where we second guess/iterate ourselves into mediocrity? [shrug emoji] [source] 

Jennifer Hepler: This is what I love about DA2. Personally, I greatly prefer something that's rough and raw and sincere to something that's had all the soul polished out of it. Extra time would have helped for art and levels, but it would have lost something too. [source]

DG: Right? I think we could have used some time for peer reviews (and fewer cuts), but I think the rawness of the writing lent a certain spark that we usually polished out. [source]

JH: Definitely. I think the structure (more character-driven) and the tightness of the timeframe let each individual writer's voice really come through. Polish can be very homogenizing. [source]

DG: I should add I'm not, by any means, against iteration. Some iteration is good and necessary. The problem that BioWare often had is that we never knew when to stop. Like a goldfish, we would fill the space given to us by constantly re-iterating on things that were "good enough". [source]

Patrick Weekes: I appreciate your incredibly diplomatic use of the past tense on "had". :D [source]

User: DA2 was my gateway into the series and I’m so happy it is. I love the game the way that it is. It’s one of my favorites of all time. But I am also aware of everything that was said here. If it were remastered, do you think it would change?

DG: I'd be surprised if it was ever remastered. If it was, do you really think they'd change things? Do remasters do that? No idea. [source]

User: Both sides got undercut as I recall. Didn't that whole sequence also end with the mage leader embracing blood magic? It was very much "a plague on both your houses" moment, at least for me.

DG: Yep. Orsino was supposed to have his own version of Meredith's end battle, which only happened if you sided with the templars. That got cut, but the team still wanted to use the model we'd made for him. So... that happened. [source]

DG: I would personally say that DA2 is a fantastic game hidden under a mountain of compromises, cut corners, and tight deadlines. If you can see past all that, you'll see a fantastic game. I don't doubt, however, that it's very difficult for most to do that. [source]

PW: I love DAI with all my selfish "I worked on this" heart, but DA2's follower arcs and relationships are probably my favorite in the series. [source]

User: As I've expressed many times, I love the game, especially it's writing and characters but, for me, the most impressive aspect of it, in consideration of it's lack of time for drafts and revisions, is the 2nd act with Arishok.  What amazingly complex character and fantastic duel

User: Just played it again and I have to agree. Though he is bound by the harsher tenants of the Qun, he makes valid points about free marcher society. Though it is obvious that he and Hawke will come to blows eventually, the tension builds gradually and understandably

DG: Luke did such a fantastic job with the Arishok I found myself sometimes wishing the Qunari plot had just been THE plot. [source]

User: What do you think would have changed, story wise, if you had more time for DA2?

DG: I would have taken out that thing where Meredith gets the idol. It was forced on me because she needed to be "super-powered" with red lyrium for her final battle. Being "crazy", however, robbed her side of the mage/templar argument of any legitimacy. I hated hated hated that. [source]

User: I deeply lament that there wasn't/couldn't be some sort of DA2 equivalent of Throne of Bhaal's Ascension mod.

DG: I'd have done it, if DA2 had allowed for anything but the most rudimentary of modding. ;) [source]

User: I mean, and I think I understand where you were trying, but how much legitimacy did the Templars and her as top Templar have after they're keeping the mages locked up against their will in the old slave quarters? Feel free to not reply.

DG: I think it's the kind of discussion which requires nuance, and which discussions on the Internet are not prone to. [source]

User: Was a compromise that the quest lines don’t branch? It felt like it was supposed to be that way but then you end up in the same place later regardless of what you pick. Like I hoodwinked the templars so good to help the apostates escape but in Act II they were caught anyway.

DG: I remember us having a lot more branching in the initial planning yes. Most of this got trimmed out in the first or second wave of cuts, in an effort to not cut the plots altogether. [source]

DG: "If you could Zack Snyder DA2, what would you change?" Wow. I'm willing to bet Mark or Mike (or anyone else on the team) would give very different answers than me, but it's enough to give a sober man pause, because that was THE Project of Multiple Regrets. [source] I mean, it's the most hypothetical of hypotheticals. It's never gonna happen. I wouldn't be surprised if EA considered DA2 its embarrassing red-headed stepchild. We'd also need to ignore that in many ways DA2 was as good as it was bad BECAUSE of how it was made. But that aside? [source] First, either restore the progressive changes to Kirkwall we'd planned over the passing of in-game years or reduce the time between acts to months instead of years... which, in hindsight, probably should have been done as soon as the progressive stuff was cut. [source] I'm sure you're like "get rid of repeated levels!" ...but I don't care about that. All I wanted was for Kirkwall to feel like a bigger city. Way more crowded. More alive! Fewer blood mages. [source] I'd want to restore the plot where a mage Hawke came THIS close to becoming an abomination. An entire story spent trapped in one's own head while trapped on the edge of possession. Why? Because Hawke is the only mage who apparently never struggles with this. It was a hard cut. [source]

User: I would LOVE to hear more details about this! I don’t suppose there’s any chance of a short story?

DG: I don't even remember the details of the story, sorry. There was a fight, and you caught the bad guy and then realized none of it was real and woke up idk [source]

DG: I'd want to restore all those alternate lines we cut, meaning people forget they'd met you. Or that they knew you were a mage. Or, oh god, that maybe they'd romanced you in DAO. So much carnage. [source] I'd want to restore the Act 3 plots we cut only because they were worked on too late, but which would have made the buildup to the mage/templar clash less sudden. Though I don't remember what they were, now. Some never got beyond being index cards posted on the wall. [grimace emoji] [source] As I mentioned elsewhere, I'd want to restore Orsino's end battle so he wouldn't need to turn on you even if you sided with him. And I'd want an end fight with the templars that didn't require Meredith to have red lyrium and go full Tetsuo. [source] Heck, maybe an end decision where you sided with neither the mages nor the templars. Because it certainly ended up feeling like you could brand both sides as batshit pretty legitimately, no? That was never planned, tho. No idea how to make that feel like an actual path atm. [source] Maybe an option to go "umm, Anders... what are you DOING?" 👀 [source] And, of course, a Varric romance, because Mary took that "slimy car salesman" character we'd planned and did the impossible with him. I can feel Mary glaring at me for even suggesting this, tho. [source] Lastly, the original expanded opening to the game which allowed you to spend time with Bethany and Carver BEFORE the darkspawn attacked. And, um, that's about it off the top of my head. Zack Snyder, WHAT PANDORA'S BOX HAVE YOU OPENED. [source] Shit, I remembered two more things: 1) Restore the "Varric exaggerates the heck out of the story" at the beginning of every Act, until Cassandra calls him on it. Yes, that was a thing. 2) Make DA: Exodus. Yes, I am still bitter. [source] God damn it, I meant "Make DA: Exalted March". The DA2 expansion, NOT Exodus since that was DA2's original name and makes no sense. Because the expansion ended with Varric dying, and that will always be on my "things left undone" list. [source]

User: Whaaaat?

DG: Well, you know that scene in Wrath of Khan where Spock goes into the dilithium chamber because he's a Vulcan? Well, imagine that but with Varric and red lyrium and because he's a dwarf. ;) [source]

John Epler: I distinctly remember referencing the bit from MGS4 where you crawl through the microwave corridor in the split screen, while cinematic battle rages on the other half. [source]

DG: It would have been glorious, John. Glorious. [source]

JE: I don't think I've ever been so certain what a shot should look like as I did Hawke coming in and finding Varric in the broken throne, just like when he was telling Cassandra his story. [source]

DG: It would have come full circle! Auggghh, it still kills me. [source]

User: Lord, you folks are a little too good at this.

JE: The true secret behind videogame narrative is knowing how to make yourself seem a lot more clever than you actually are. [source] 'Oh, we TOTALLY planned that.' [source]

User: Ok, this thread [the DA2 regrets thread, which is the big chunks above] but Inquisition.

DG: My regrets about Inquisition are, more or less, the normal kind. Nothing so dramatic, I'm afraid. [source]

User: You can keep your Varric romance, I want a Flemeth romance goddamnit!

DG: I would allow for one flirt option, and then a recording of Kate Mulgrew laughing for three minutes straight. [source]

User: I had a hypothesis about the repetitive caves in DA2. They're repetitive because it's Varric telling the story and he didn't consider them important.  They're like sets in a play.  (Okay, I really suspect it was a time/money/resources thing but I like my fake explanation better.)

DG: Hang a lampshade on it, maybe? Cassandra: "But that's the exact cave you were in last time?" Varric: "Whatever. They all look the same, I'm not THAT kind of dwarf. Can we move on?" [source]

User: that makes sense, hypothetically to make Varric romanceable and keep his arc—that had to happen for the main plot—I imagine you would have to make double the content (or more)? which would've been a tall order given the time/budget constraints the game was under

DG: Right. When it comes to "romance arc" vs. "follower story arc", we generally only had time to do one or the other. Never both. Romancing Varric would have meant not getting the story of his that you did. [source]

Mary Kirby: The one exaggeration I really, REALLY wanted, that we never got to do was Varric narrating his own death scene with Hawke weeping over him, then cutting to Cassandra's pissed off glaring at him. [source]

DG: Haha! The one I wanted was Varric's plot where he takes on the baddies single-handedly, sliding across the floor like Jet Lee, action movie-style, until finally Cassandra gets irritated and he has to admit Hawke & the rest of the party showed up to help. [source]

MK: We did that one! (He didn't do any Jet Lee moves, though.) Jepler gave him letterboxing to get The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly showdown vibes while he shot a ton of mooks single-handed. [source]

DG: Wow. Shows how much I remember. [source]

JE: I found it! I remember seeing this sequence as my treat for doing a bunch of much more challenging work. It was fun to see how far I could push our limited library of animations. [link] [source]

DG: Heh awesome. I could have sworn it was cut, honestly. I think I was even in that meeting. [source]

User: no disrespect but that’s surprising and rich of Mary “Hard in Hightown” Kirby to think DA2 shouldn’t have had a Varric romance when she wrote an entire book of Varric’s self-insert character pining over his Hawke insert character… HIH is the reason we had VHawke Summer 2018

DG: I can't *really* speak for Mary, or how she feels about it now compared to back then. I only know how she felt about it back then, and I'm not sure it was as much the concept of the romance but that Varric's entire story would be bent to "romance arc" ...a very different thing. [source]

JH: I remember pushing to have the first DLC start with Hawke having an option to ask Varric, "Did you tell Cassandra about us?" and if you picked it, Varric would answer, "Of course not, baby. I told her you were sleeping with X..." and then proceed as if you had had a full romance. [source]

DG: I still wonder how that would have gone over. x) [source]

JE: Okay, one more DA2 thing. Putting together the cinematics for this scene was a blast. [link] [source]

MK: These lines are my greatest legacy. I want "Make sure the world knows I died... at Chateau Haine!" inscribed on my tombstone. [source]

JE: I was so glad no one said 'no' to the crane shot. [source]

MK: It needs that crane shot. It's the perfect icing on that cake made from solid cheese. [source]

DG: The designers were all "we need more combat" and I think we were all "I think you underestimate just HOW interesting we can make this dinner party". [source]

JE: And finally. I think @SherylChee wrote the one-liner. I think we had a collection of like, 20. [link] [source]

Sheryl Chee: Yeah! Something like that! I remember submitted a whole bunch and Frank said you only needed one. Wish I'd kept the other fifteen. [source]

JE: A random chooser where, each time through the scene, you get a different one-liner. [source]

JE: DA2 is the project I'm the proudest of. I also absolutely get that it didn't land for a lot of people. But I don't think it's inaccurate to say that, in a lot of ways, DA2 defined my career. [source]  Everyone spent a year working at their maximum ability. I was a fresh cinematic designer and was given all of Varric's content, as well as the Act 1 Finale mission. It was a lot for someone who had been doing the Cinematics thing for literally 6 months. [source]  There's some stuff in there I can't look at without wincing. And there's some stuff I'm genuinely proud of. Not to mention, it was my introduction to most of the writing team. Several of whom I'm still working with today! Albeit in a different capacity [source] Also, weirdly, one of my most enduring memories of Dragon Age 2 is how much Bad Company 2 we'd play at lunch. It was a LOT. [source] Every game I've worked on has a game I played attached to it. ME2 is Borderlands. DA2 is Bad Company 2. DAI is DayZ. I, hmm. There's a progression there. I don't know how I feel about it. [source]

User: Is DA4 going to be tarkov then?

JE: I've kind of churned out of Tarkov for now. Probably Hunt Showdown, at least right now. [source]

User: I think people also don't take nuance into consideration -- like I FULLY acknowledge the flaws in my favorite games and will openly criticize them, but that doesn't mean they're not my favorite games anymore??? You can like and thing and still be critical of it.

JE: A lot of my favourite shit is deeply flawed! I acknowledge it and I think it's interesting to dissect the flaws. [source]

User: I still wish Justice was an actual character in DA2 rather than a plot point.

DG: There was a moment during DAI where we *almost* put in you running into Justice with the Grey Wardens, and he's all "Kirkwall? I never went to Kirkwall" [source]

User: Does that imply that Justice was shoehorned in to DA2?

DG: Nah, it was an in-joke where we thought it'd be fun to suggest that "Justice" was simply some demon that tricked Anders in DA2. Wooo those tricky demons! We didn't do it, though. [source]

User: [about templars]  except, I don't think it had very much legitimacy to begin with. keep in mind, we interact with other characters with the same argument. The one that comes to mind is Cullen, a sane templar in power. The templar's side of the argument is inherently flawed.

DG: I don't doubt that many people agree with you, and yet people can and do argue on behalf of the templars as well. My place isn't to pick a side, but to provide evidence that players can interpret for themselves [source]

User: Can you shed some light for us on how DA was able to do multiple same-sex romance options for different genders but the Mass Effect team treated them like the plague? What process existed for your team that just wasn't their for the other tentpole franchise?

DG: Different people making the decisions, almost different cultures. I don't know what it's like now, but for many years the Mass Effect team and the Dragon Age team were almost like two different studios working within the same building. [source]

User: It truly boggles the mind. Kudos for doing demonstrably better on consistent queer representation than the ME teams. Y'all never needed us to make petitions to try to get the studio's attention and ask them to do better by us. That's the fight we're once again embroiled in now.

DG: Honestly, I don't feel like tut-tutting the Mass Effect team. They did their part, and if they were a bit later to the show than the DA team they certainly did more than almost every other game out there -- and willingly. [source]

Updates begin here

User: So what was the reason for naming Dragon age 2 "Dragon age II" and not using a subtitle?

DG: As I recall, that was purely a publisher decision. I think they wanted to avoid the impression it was an expansion. [source]

User: Is there no chance of ever remaking DA2 under better circumstances? -Somehow remove the repetitiveness of gameplay by making changes and updating the tech and adding much more to the storyline. It could almost be a new very exciting game.

DG: I'd say there's zero chance of that. Let's keep our hopes up for the next DA title instead. [source]

User: I am a little confused here, help me out here please! How exactly was the cut boss battle with Orsino supposed to work out? How it would've kept him from turning against the player?

DG: It means that, if you sided with the templars, the entire boss bottle at the end would have been against Orsino and the mages. No fight against Meredith. The end decision would have been more divergent. [source]

User: I do remember that one of the reasons going around for that, was that resources were going to the transition to Frostbite. I'm still not fully sold on that having been a good choice. I felt that more time should have been given for that transition considering it was made for FPSs

DG: We didn't transition to Frostbite until DAI. Given our time frame for DA2, I don't think we *could* have transitioned to a new engine. [source]

User: Since your talking about the what could have been for DA2. Could you say what your script was for Anthem? Cause I remember reading that you wrote the plot on that game.

DG: I created a setting for Anthem and scripted out a plot - but, as I understand it, almost none of that ended up being used. So it's a bit pointless to talk about what I'd planned, as that'd be for some completely different type of game. [source]

User: [in reference to the exchange above where DG said “Being "crazy", however, robbed her side of the mage/templar argument of any legitimacy. I hated hated hated that.” re: Meredith] except, I don't think it had very much legitimacy to begin with. keep in mind, we interact with other characters with the same argument. The one that comes to mind is Cullen, a sane templar in power. The templar's side of the argument is inherently flawed.

DG: I don't doubt that many people agree with you, and yet people can and do argue on behalf of the templars as well. My place isn't to pick a side, but to provide evidence that players can interpret for themselves. [source]

If I missed a tweet, got the wrong source link or included a tweet twice, feel free to let me know and I’ll correct.

Edit / Update: Post update 22nd April