#am i some sort of rite of passage or some shit like that

[ipusingularitae]

if i had a penny for each time i had a non-commitment emotional/romantic relationship with someone and they broke up whatever the fuck we had and started dating someone months later i would have two pennies, which isn't much but it's funny bc it happened twice

[onelittlespiral]

Hey dude, I'm just a lil bro looking for a big bro to take care of me in all sorts of ways but all I'm stuck with is my lousy nerd of a roommate. Could you help me out?

FML: Fraternize

My roommate was… chill all things considered. I don’t know, he was just the random guy that I got stuck with when all my bros decided to move into the house and I needed someone to take the lease with. Scruffy, for sure. A bit out of shape. He said he used to play soccer in high school. Cute, but that was about it. Nowadays he was just getting his degree in English. Just a guy. But I didn’t want just another guy.

I tried to be friends with the guy, but he always just blew me and my boys off. He would just say he was too busy studying or playing some video game to come out to the gym with us or hang at the frat. I finally decided I was fed up. I needed my roommate to be more than a rando in my house. I needed a bro. And the fraternity had some resources to make that happen.

They usually keep this kinda stuff for pledges who start stepping out of line, but my buddy slipped me the files that they show to help guys get in line. I don’t remember if I ever saw them myself… what ever. It was a series of videos that promised to turn any guy into a bro in no time flat. So, one night, I put the tapes on when my roommate was home:

“Hey man, I’ve gotta watch these for class, mind if I slip them on?”

“No problem, I’ll just hang out in my bedroom.”

“Actually, it may be something you would like. You should stay. Here, you chill here and I’ll listen while I cook. I’ll make enough to split.”

I turned the first tape on and went to cook up some chicken and rice. In the other room, I heard the video beginning. It wasn’t long before I started hearing my roommate responding to the commands:

You are loyal to your bros.

“I am loyal to my bros.”

When you are around them you feel relaxed.

“When I am around them I feel relaxed”

The gym feels like your second home.

“The gym feels like my second home.”

The frat is life. You are made to be loyal to the frat.

“I am made to be loyal to the frat.”

They kept pushing him in the background while I finished cooking some food. When I walked back into the room, static filled the screen as my roommate stared into space, drool dripping from his mouth. I turned of the TV and he seemed to come to his senses.

“Hey, sup bro? Got the fuel?”

Already he was much better, “Yeah man, chicken and rice.”

“Hell yeah, gotta get a good workout in before getting my homework done.”

We ate quickly and started getting ready for the gym.

“Hey, bro, you think they are still taking new pledges? I’ve been meaning to apply to your frat!”

I was shocked at how quick the progress had been, “Yeah man. I’ll hook you up with my peeps tomorrow.”

“Sweet, let me finish getting ready and we can go.”

Dang those videos were quick. Even the way he carried himself was so different. This is the bro I needed.

The week went on and we kept working out. I hooked my roommate up with the pledge master and he quickly started falling in with the bros. We worked out, partied, did almost everything together now. I gave the rest of the tapes back to my guy who gave them to me. He said he needed them for a few guys who had gotten a little hands-y with some girls at the last party. I was fine to get them back, I didn’t think there would be any more issues with my roommate.

The year flew by until it was time for spring break. I had opted to be my roommate’s big and done all the usual hazing and shit with him. Had to keep him on his A game, I wasn’t going to go east on him. The spring break frat trip was a rite of passage for the incoming pledges. As much as I wanted to go, I had plans to visit California with my partner. We were having a great time, chilling at the beach, shopping through souvenir stores, and hiking parks. But I made sure to get updates about how my roommate was enjoying his week. It was from one of these progress reports that I got word from the pledge master:

Hey, bro. Just letting you know. Your little bro was making some girls uncomfortable at the bar. Can’t have that causing issues for the frat.

Shit man. I’m sorry. Lemme talk to him.

Nah dude, it’s good. We have a protocol for these kinds things. Just letting you know so you aren’t surprised. We’ll make sure he won’t bother any girls again.

Thanks dude. Lemme know if you need anything.

Nah bruh, relax. Enjoy your vacay.

Well as long as they have shit handled. I went back to my vacation and forgot about the whole situation. I would give him crap for it when I got back. The rest of our trip was great. I didn’t hear anything more from my bros so I assumed it all went according to plan. I was eager to get back to my roommate and prep him for full brotherhood when I got back. It wasn’t till I walked into the apartment I knew something was awry:

“Sup, bro, welcome back.”

A deep voice echoed from the balcony. He stepped inside and was greeted by a stranger. His arms were as thick as a football, his legs as thick as tree trunks. The smell of sweat, sex, and stale beer followed him into the room. He had a fresh tattoo on his arm with the number 86 boldly displayed. The stranger walked with swagger up to me, like he owned the place. As he approached, his musk only grew more intense. It wasn’t until I noticed the glasses it all clicked into place:

“Bro… is that you?!?”

“Bruh, who else would it be?”

My roommate stood proudly in front of me. He had been going to the gym steadily but no amount of protein powder could explain the progress he had made in a week. He was also easily 3 inches taller. And the smell. I don’t know how to describe it but he smelled… virile. Like just being around him was starting to get me excited. He certainly had never been like this before.

“Looking good, right? Like the new tat? Year of our chapter’s founding, 1986. After all, I am made to be loyal to the frat.”

That line made it all click together. The tapes. They said they would handle the situation, I didn’t know they would use the tapes.

”Speaking of which, dude. I can’t believe you flaked on the frat and went on a trip with your partner. You’ve got to be loyal to your bros.”

His scent, his words, my mind was swimming in a way it hadn’t in a long time. He stepped towards me, grabbing my head. I was pulled into his pit. I tried to pull back but a hand on the back of my head held me firmly in place. I felt so aroused and so scared as I was forced to huff the scent of pure frat bro. I was… fading. I couldn’t… resist… my… my… bruhhhhh.

“I think that you should sit through the next set with me bro.”

My mind was blank as he told me to sit down on the couch. Of course, I would do anything for my frat bro. He put on a video and sat behind me.

“They said we could watch this one together.”

The video whirled to life as my roommate held me in place in his lap. A flash of color and a brief intro played. It explained that it was the last in a series of videos for brothers who were trouble makers in the frat. This last one was the most extreme. I felt a wave of guilt, knowing I had betrayed my brothers and the chapter. I wasn’t sure what I did but I knew it must be bad. My behavior had to change.

You will conform to the standard set by the frat, whatever it takes. You will be entirely dedicated to the brotherhood.

“I will be entirely dedicated to the brotherhood,” we both repeated, in unison.

Good. Since you have proven you can’t be trusted with making good decisions, your brothers have decided to make those for you. You will become the ultimate frat bro.

“I will become the ultimate frat bro.”

Let’s start on the outside. A brother works out daily, at least. Strong muscles make for a strong foundation.

As I repeated the words, they became my reality. I had certainly never been a scrawny guy before, but this was something else. My muscles convulsed all at once, then seemed to shred and burst. My muscles ached as pecs, biceps, abs all were pulled out of my body. I sweat under the effort as legs bloated and toned, bloated and toned. My back stretched out and shoulders mounded on muscle.

Good bro. Now, a brother should be cocky, with a cock to match. All the other fraternities should know how superior we are.

‘Shiiit, no other frat could even come close. We threw the best parties, had the hottest girls and… fuck the hottest guys. With a bod like this, just about no body could resist.’ As those thoughts echoed in my head, there was a sharp pain in my balls as they started to swell. My cock snaked down my shorts, throbbing with newfound power and size. A moan escaped my mouth as my cock swelled thick as a beer can. Anyone would beg for a cock like this.

A frat bro with a cock like that just needs to fuck. Your libido keeps your mind so full that you hardly have time to pass your business classes.

My swollen balls began to churn as my cock came to life. As my mind was thrust into a deep sexual haze, any aspirations I had on my pre-law track were pushed out, draining right to my balls and slowly leaking out my cock. At the same time, I felt my roommate begin to shift behind me. I felt his cock press against the small of my back, throbbing as it was thrust into overdrive. He began slowly humping against my back, and I leaned back against that massive cock. I wanted to help my bro however I could. He wrapped his arms around me and slowly started jacking me off. My mind was in pure bliss as I was kicked into overdrive. His arms felt so warm and strong, and he was pushing all my buttons till I was thrusting into his hands.

The frat is a part of you. You live, breath, and sweat the frat. Everyone who meets you will know exactly what you’re about and submit to you, an alpha bro. You put the reek in Greek.

My mind processed for a second until the smell hit me from behind and I understood. My hormones shifted as sweat poured out. It was hard work being a fraternity brother, and everyone would know that. I worked overtime as the smell of straight frat filled my nostrils. The apartment changed in response, filled with leftover beers, used tank tops, and soaked underwear. Anyone who entered would fall into an immediate haze, the smell of bros clouding their mind. My mind was… so… slow. Just… needed… FUCK.

You will keep it simple, keep it stupid.

“I will keep it simple, keep it stupid.”

My head felt like it was filled with fluff. No thoughts, just instinct.

You will listen to your pledge master, follow all he says.

“I will listen to my pledge master, follow all he says.”

It was so much easier to just trust my bros. Whatever they said went.

You will live for and serve your bros, live for and serve the frat.

“I will live for and serve my bros and the frat.”

I would do anything for my bros. Gotta keep ‘em happy.

The frat is life.

“The frat is life.”

My roommate’s cock was still rock hard behind me. His grip was edging me as moaned for release. I could dedicate my life to men like him.

Thank you for your cooperation. There will be no further issues. Now cum.

And I did. Ropes shot across the floor as all the changes were set in stone. I was just another frat dude, struggling through Business classes and fucking through the night.

And with that the video ended. It took a sec for me to regain my senses. I slowly refocused my eyes and… fuck bruh my head is pounding. Musta partied too hard last night. Shit, I was drooling all over myself, lol. I mean, I’m hot but not that hot. And fuck, I made a mess. Bro, what happened? It’s already late, I’ve got to get ready to go out tonight.

I was going to throw on a polo and some shorts when my roommate put a hand on my shoulder. This man must’ve got a double dose of whatever I got. Bro, he was on another fucking level. He pulled me in tight, cupped my ass in his hands, held my chin, and slid his tongue in my mouth. All at once, my world shifted as the fraternity’s motto rang in my head, I will be entirely dedicated to the brotherhood. An aching in my balls told me that I wasn’t going to make it out tonight. I had my frat bro… no, my big bro right here. And he will take care of his little bro. He pulled down his sweatpants and a thick rod popped out from the waistband. He gently guided me to his cock, the true source of his musk. Our scents mingled as my thoughts were consumed by sex. The salty taste of pre coated my tongue as the tip slid down the back of my throat. My mind faded as the smell of the frat filled my nostrils. I was lost in bliss as my bro started pumping, pumping down my throat. Gone was the nerdy roommate I had:

There was nothing left but frat bro.

[a3dan13]

American Girls - Alex Turner x fem!Reader

Word Count: 729

Summary: Running into Alex Turner after being his classmate. Inspired by AM Alex.

Warnings: None! (sassy man warning 💅)

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵ 

You grew up with Alex Turner and went to high school with him. He never took an interest in you; he said that American girls weren't really "his thing" when you asked if he'd want to hang out. You settled for being a sort of fan when the Monkeys got big. You bought the records, and you told your friends that you knew him whenever he was mentioned. You expected their faces of interest. You expected them to ask if you knew he was gonna be famous. You expected their looks when you told them that he was kind of an ass. You did not expect him to walk into the bar every teen sneaks into as a rite of passage in your town, which also happened to be your current workplace.

He and his bandmates strode up to the bar, some slightly aware of a few of the turning heads. "Ey love, 'ow are you?" Alex greeted as he took a seat. For a moment, you thought he may have recognized you, but you quickly realized he was just being kind to the bartender, who he did not know, let alone remember. Ouch.

"Good, and you?" you smiled. He looked a bit taken aback by your American accent.

"I'm alright. Say how does an American girl make it to Sheffield?" he quipped.

"By plane,” you remarked, “or boat if you're old fashioned. What can I get you?"

"Whiskey, neat." You got to pouring the drink and felt his eyes staring at you as you went along. You started to feel a bit self-conscious. Your black tank top was tight and didn't leave much to the imagination. On top of that, you were sweaty from working and your hair was swept into a messy ponytail. "You look oddly familiar," he said as you slid his glass across the bar to him.

"Is that so?"

"I don't know if it's the accent or... you just remind me of this American gal I went to school with."

"No shit," you blurted. His eyebrows shot up. He stared at you for a bit and then the look of realization lit up in his eyes.

"No shit!" he repeated, "You!"

"You don't remember my name," you laughed at him and tried to hide that you were a bit hurt.

"Nah," his voice trailed, "yeah..." He looked up at you apologetically. "Well, that makes me seem like an asshole." He rubbed his temples. "Allow me to restart," he held his hand out. "Hi, I'm Alex, I'm an ass, and you are?"

You returned his handshake, "I'm Y/N, very nice to meet such a respectful ass." He chuckled and ran his hand along the side of his hair, effectively slicking back any stray strands. You helped a few other patrons before you heard him speak up again.

"So, what have you been up to Y/N?"

"Well," you gestured to the bar. "I feel like I should be asking you."

"I have interviews for that, but I'd much prefer to hear about you."

You felt a blush pool across your cheeks. Was he flirting with you?

"I finished secondary, tried university, wasn't my thing," you told him. His eyes lingered on the way you moved with your hands on your hips as you talked. "I wanted to be an artist, I, uh-, paint.," you stammered feeling a bit shy about your shattered dreams. "But, you know, or maybe you don't, but there's a lot of painters out there, so..."

"None as cute as you though I reckon," he said almost slyly as if he hadn't meant for you to hear it... like it was a secret.

"'Scuse me?" you laughed, wanting him to repeat himself to make sure you didn't just imagine the compliment.

"You're beautiful."

"I thought you weren't into American girls," you said skeptically treading around his advances, as tempting as they were.

"Times are changin'. You've changed," he replied.

"So you thought I was ugly?"

"What? No!" he yelped nervously. "That's not what I meant." His exasperation amused you and you began to giggle at him. It was cute, how flustered he got, over you. You pulled a napkin from a tray on the bar, scribbled your number on it, and slid it across the bar to him.

"Call me, Turner." His tensely pursed lips melted into a goofy smile.

"Yes ma'am."

A/N: Should I make a part two for this where they go out on a date or smthg? lmk 💋 thank you for reading🫶

[jinhogae]

omg al darling pls give me your queen of tears thoughts i’m really behind and need to know if it’s worth finishing <3

tbh i am also behind but i keep up with spoilers and episode recaps for everything i am watching bc i don't really care about getting spoiled. with that being said, where do i even begin? i would have loved if the show ended on a melodrama note in the second half, with the hong family having lost queens group but recouping that through baekhong's work as a lawyer and ceo respectively and with them rekindling their relationship (without marriage or another kid) while hae-in would, well, die due to some bout of medical realism that has to remain here, but with the two of them choosing each other in their lifetime, roll credits, fin. i am putting a read more from here on in bc this is sort of my thoughts on the show in general but also the second half, since describing the second half doesn't really work without talking about the set-up of the plot. plots? whatever is happening here. (also! spoilers ahead!)

of course we did not get a well-polished plot, something as sensible as this couldn't fly with the deranged fans this drama spawned like you wouldn't believe. so in a way this fanbase deserved exactly what they got lmao. this show has been crazy from the beginning bc as much as i love hae-in, people kept acting like she didn't treat hyun-woo like shit for most of their marriage when she did. he was only marginally better off, but my one big issue was that hyun-woo has to apolgize for everything he ever did, for wanting to divorce in the first place, while the show depicted right away how awful his marriage was. so now in the second half we, of course, get hyun-woo doing everything for hae-in to make up for all his audacity, like the good kdrama male lead he is (where is moon gang-tae when we need him? kim soo-hyun can act with some fire in there, so why does he not?) hae-in keeps getting worse and he is by her side, so whoo for tha ti guess and she does apologize for how she treated him after 10 eps of grovelling lmao. anyways.

they grow closer again while hae-in stays in the hospital for her treatment, but in comes mister i-still-want-to-be-cooked-over-an-open-fire-like-a-rotissiere-chicken eun-sung. i do have to say i love park sung-hoon in this drama? not as good as the psychotic bully-slash-killer-slash-second-woman he plays in the glory, but really good. it's giving kendall roy in sucession s2! it's giving this is why rich people tax middle class families until tax evasion or murder become lifestyle choices for those families! it's giving the rite of passage creepy high school boyfriend straight women go through amped up to the max! he is so good at being evil and he shines here, somehow, in all his creepy despondency and obsession with hae-in. at one point he swipes in and tells hae-in, who is losing her memory, that he saved her life and then he does it again, using the times hyun-woo's saved her as his cover story. he keeps rocking brown three-piece suits and a crazy-good blowout and side swoop while he does that, which might be the worst thing. hyun-woo punches him in the face, which is the saving grace of this entire second half of the show. he runs over hyun-woo with a car in the PENULTIMATE episode for the hell of it, because he can't see hyun-woo and hae-in be together again. the man is batshit insane and he stands by it.

as for the plot:

the head of the hong family (hae-in's grandfather) has a slush fund, because that is the second most realistic part of the show. eun-sung and his mother scrounge around to find it to take the rest of queens group, but well, i honestly don't care much about this plot. yang-gi (hyun-woo's best friend and divorce lawyer, who is apparently barred twice over in korea and can also hold up with business law and attorney work in court lol) helps lower hyun-woo's crazy ass charges, so he lives to see another day while everyone is looking for the goddamn slush fund. eun-sung and his mother found it first btw. hae-in keeps mistaking eun-sung for hyun-woo, her memory loss gets worse, we get it. several people working for eun-sung keep trying to kill hyun-woo over the span of the last five episodes. we get another reborn rich cameo from kim shin-rok, which at this point is the only thing keeping me from tuning out of this whacky ass drama. the hong family grandfather kills himself and all of kdrama twt and mdl are mad that the raised rating wasn't an explicit scene between baekhong but seeing an old man die (i kid you not). they keep trying to convince me kim soo-hyun was in the marine corps and i keep not believing it. german hospitals apparently can do life-saving surgeries on non-german citizens, which is unheard off in this neck of the woods but alas. hae-in has to trade in her memories to have that surgery, so that is our 11 o clock moment. or something. hyun-woo gets arrested by interpol right after, so there goes that dream. soo-cheol ends up with his wife again, which i care about as much as a tree cares about a leaf falling in a forest. big yawn. hyun-woo employs yang-gi again to beat the interpol charges and they do (yippie!). eun-sung keep acting like he's hae-in's husband after her memories disappeared and all of us know it's so deeply joever but the death bell has yet to strike. in comes the car crash bc we go two for two on car crashes in this show. eun-sung is now, after 15 episodes of washed up nonsense, pursued by the police bc nothing screams real crime like vehicular manslaughter in a kdrama. tried and true to the very end he goes!

haven't checked into ep 16 yet, but i know it ends with a montage of hae-in and hyun-woo together for more years, marrying again and having a child, and then hae-in dies. hyun-woo as an old man visits her grave in germany (potsdam doesn't allow graves on the grounds of sansoucie so i wonder where they supposedly put it?) and then we get a fade in of young hae-in leading now-deceased and young again hyun-woo to heaven in a field of lavender, goblin style minus the good writing. hyun-woo kept apologising for things until the end but don't ask me what it was about, i stopped caring. i assume that eun-sung lands in jail or something for his five billion crimes and all the times he wore light blue ties in this show. fin.

[innerangeltoadlover]

9. I remember my first visit to my new psychiatrist I said that I was inwardly quite confident. She sat there and started shaking her head quite vigorously- I was sort of taken aback by this because I don’t measure myself against a person like her and it was plainly rude. I think with my illness, I have done okay, but the fact that she actually was shaking her head like she completely disagreed was pretty off putting. I have never thought of myself as a weak or inferior person but as I watched her I felt that. I also refuse to use terms such as strength or weakness to describe the human condition- if I did I’d probably top myself. I think I’ve been dealt a really hard card and I have reacted to the way I have been treated in unconventional ways. I expect that a psychiatrist is smart enough to realise that schizophrenics aren’t going to measure themselves against a norm which psychiatry has created - to me there are many forms of confidence. What I found most strange about her reaction was that it was an instantaneous response to my declaration of confidence. Even 3 years after this meeting this was a huge indicator of where my visits were going to take me (I can hear a toilet flushing ). I am sure that in normal types of therapy confidence is something to be nurtured however in my case confidence was merely evidence of denial. I was also pleasantly contented that the Court case had shone a light on my sister’s psychopathology and I felt I was turning a new page. My former psychiatrist had assured me that my new psychiatrist was great with trauma and I would be treated accordingly. There was lots of hugging etc etc and goodbyes etc etc. The reality is that my new psychiatrist is the most hardline doctor I have ever had and she has done considerable damage. During a phone call with my previous psychiatrist she described her as a bit “cold” and then proceeded to say, “ but you wouldn’t mind that”. So all in all it’s a bull shit game that we nutters are subjected to and conversations are , for the most part meaningless and suited to a particular moment in time which doesn’t matter anyway. I will always believe that the Court Case offered me an opportunity to run through a wide open door that had a wellness sign hanging on it . However that opportunity was bolted shut in my first session and this has motivated me to write this. At my age there really is no valid reason to destroy the moments of happiness and realisation for a client because they may deviate from what is a medical model that has failed me and so many others. I have committed no crimes in my life and I feel I deserved to enter my 60s with the peace of mind that the Court Case had given me . There was also so many moments of affirmation from lawyers , nurses who cared for my parents that my sister was hellish and I’d had to put up with absolute rubbish - not a hope from psychiatrists though. So when I talk about the bacteria in a Petri dish - it ain’t bullshit.

So did I believe in the diagnosis from the beginning? Yes absolutely and completely -I was 25 and a total mess. I still believe in the diagnosis but the treatment is far worse than the illness. I have always taken some pride in being different but carried myself without the confidence that difference requires. As a result of difference without brilliance I was bullied mercilessly- this bullying began in the home ( they call it sibling rivalry) and at the time it was believed to be a rite of passage growing up. The prevailing mood is “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” and other such cliches. I’m afraid in my case and in the case of many others sibling abuse is a form of domestic violence which though under reported can have devastating consequences. When one is abused at a young age it can create a pattern which is replicated throughout life if not dealt with.

[skystarchild123]

Michael in the Syndicate headcanons!

He comes along to meetings whenever they’re on. At first he would stick very close to Ranboo and would only really sit with him, but over time he started to explore and sit with the others. Despite grumbling about it at first, Phil eventually got used to having Michael sit with him.

Techno at first was very indifferent about Michael. The initial reveal that Ranboo was married and had a son created more of a “Phil where did I go wrong?!” reaction from Techno but after that he basically ignored the kid. The more Michael attended meetings though, the more Techno warmed up to the adorable little zombie piglin and eventually he started playing with him during breaks, giving him little gifts of weapons and armour (which Ranboo promptly took away) and he would even tell Michael stories about anarchy and how amazing it is. He becomes sort of a role model to Michael as time goes on.

On top of this, Techno teaches Michael how to speak piglin. Michael already knew the basics from his time in the nether but it was mostly baby-talk and very basic words. Thanks to Techno though, he’s able to learn piglin fluently and the two end up communicating in it often. Techno also gives Michael gold nuggets, gold swords, gold armour, basically anything gold because it reminds Michael of the nether and makes him happy.

Niki is very wary of Michael for the longest time but even she cannot help but eventually crack and admit he’s cute. Learning that he eats cakes, she starts baking again and brings snacks to the meetings (which sidenote everyone loves because their girl is a baking goddess). For the first time in ages, she’s having fun while baking and it becomes a stress relief for her outside of just giving Michael snacks. She also makes him some new clothes to help with the cold because he isn’t very used to it and he refuses to take them off even after going home to Snowchester.

Phil becomes a kind of uncle-figure to little Michael. The guy pretends not to care about him at first, calling him “lil shit” every time he waddles over or insists on sitting with him. It’s very clear however that this Phil showing love in his own way, as seen when he bounces Michael on his leg to make him laugh, crouches down to play-fight with him, and knows when the slightly more violent antics are going to far and hands him back to Ranboo. Phil can’t actually parent Michael like Ranboo does and takes a more ‘experience-based’ approach to teaching life lessons (ie throw him to the sharks and see what happens) but there’s no doubt he has a soft spot in his heart for the “lil shit” that he lets sit with him during meetings.

Oh god Ranboo is a helicopter parent. Michael is absolutely not allowed to come on missions (no Phil it does not “build character”!) and he is constantly monitoring how many snacks his son eats, what gifts Techno is giving him, if he’s tired, hungry, what have you. Luckily, the others are there to tone down the overprotective side of things and over time Ranboo becomes comfortable letting Michael pick up a toy sword and “duel” Phil, explore around not only the syndicate but Techno’s house, do baking with Niki and even go out to play in the snow (which admittedly Michael doesn’t really like because it’s cold but it’s still fascinating to the little guy).

Techno is still very suspicious of Tubbo so Tubbo isn’t allowed into the syndicate yet. As a result, Michael still technically lives in Snowchester. However, Ranboo starts to drop him off at Techno’s house every now and again if him and Tubbo have plans. The first time this happened Techno just did his signature “HA?” while holding little Michael and Phil laughed his ass off in the background. By the time Ranboo came to pick Michael up though, he found his son and Techno sleeping in front of the fire, Phil quietly picking Michael out of Techno’s arms and handing him back over.

It’s a gradual process, but the syndicate slowly become a sort of ‘Michael Protection Squad’. Techno tries to hide it but will actively fight any mob that comes near Michael. Phil is less ‘gotta protect’ and more ‘gotta make sure Ranboo doesn’t have a panic attack’ — he’s also very aware of Michael’s boundaries and will get Michael out of situations that make the baby uncomfortable. Niki goes rage-mode if she hears about something bad happening to Michael, bonus points if it’s another person (especially a person she hates). And, well, Ranboo would start a full ass villain arc for Michael so we know how much he protects his son.

This is a further in the future headcanon (basically a fanfic at this point), but Techno eventually starts to give Michael fighting lessons (under intense supervision from Ranboo, of course) and Michael learns the way of The Blade. Techno gifts him his old Netherite armour a piece at a time, one for every new milestone the boy hits. The final rite of passage is defeating his first wither, which is set up by Phil and Techno and Ranboo isn’t allowed to help with.

(Am I aware that most likely Michael will die soon? Yes. Am I aware that Techno is probably gonna react very badly to the whole marriage and child thing? Yes. Am I ignoring it to have a wholesome found family out in the snowy tundra that just wants anarchy, snacks and the best for the baby? Yes.)

[ugh-againwiththenames]

So Many Fanfics So Little Time

This is just my list, I have seen so many (but if you want to use it it’s all yours too!).  I’m not a writer.  But I am a hell of a reader. Voracious one might argue. I just wanted to track my progress through the weeds of the absolutely never ending supply of Destiel and Cockles fanfic. 

Read on if you want to see what I’ve read, and what I’ve thought. I am but one person with opinions - some of them may be unpopular - some of them you might agree with, but if you find something you haven’t read here, I encourage you to do so. 

Honestly, this is just so I can track what I have read already, and when my friends ask, I can reference something easily. I have found some different fics on all kinds of ‘best of’ lists all over the interwebs. And I love recs - so rec away friends. 

As someone who reads a solid 40 novels a year typically, I don’t come by the “I read a lot” innocently. I do actually read a LOT.  When not reading fanfic (a new obsession, all things being fair), I usually read a lot of Fantasy/high fantasy, romance/erotica, and or YA (yeah, that was a bit of a ride no?).  So from this one might digress that I like fluffy, cute stories, complicated and supernatural/paranormal type stories, and I sure do not shy away from violence or smut (or maybe violence with smut? *smirk*). 

I have read all of these in the last 2-3 months (I will continue to add as I go). I had never read a fanfic until 2-3 months ago.  A lot of these wonderful people are on here, and I mean you no offence by not directly tagging you - I’m still learning how to actually properly use this site. Links to AO3 are included (and I love you all). 

These aren’t necessarily in any real order - I did read T&S first, followed by 91W, and 4LW...after that it’s just a shit show of Long or Short, Destiel or Cockles - smorgasbord. Some of these are the most popular Fics out there, and others I’ve never seen recc’d anywhere (just sort of accidentally happened upon them).  So let’s get to it, shall we? 

Twist and Shout - ok look. I understand the stigma associated with this one, but it was the FIRST one I read. It was the ball that shot me down the hill, and I haven’t stopped since. So. I loved it. I CRIED like a baby. SOBBED. It was not the quality of the writing but the way the story was developed and delivered. I have Never Cried Like This Reading a Story IN MY LIFE. It’s a rite of passage. Read It and have an opinion - it doesn’t need to be mine.  

Author(s): gabriel, standbyme   https://archiveofourown.org/works/537876/chapters/955188

Ninety-One Whiskey - aka 91W, it is mentioned so much, and is SO worth the read.  I continued my dive into the war fics (not typically my bag really and here I was reading 2 in a row).  There are a couple of followup stories as well to this series (and yes, I’ve read them all).  Although I’ll say that the original is my favourite. I often got lost in a bit of the War/Tactical descriptions, but would recommend it to anyone anyway. Ugh...the “stolen moments”...they were at the same time tragic and the most amazing things ever.  You feel me? no? go read it. 

Author:  komodobits   https://archiveofourown.org/works/2362190/chapters/5214500

Four Letter Word for Intercourse - aka 4LW.  OMG just, OMG. I loved this story. I loved it so much. I think I read it in a day.  Devoured it. It’s so HOT. Just read it. If you haven’t you’re missing out.  LEMME AT IT. I loved “knowing the secret”, and had some major anxiety about that realization dawning (I had to take a breath, and be like, no, no, this is gonna be a mess, but it’s gonna be SO GOOD - I was not disappointed).  There’s more than one work here too - read them all. PLEASE. 

Author: bendingsignpost  https://archiveofourown.org/works/16086839/chapters/37568591

Memories Bring Back Memories (Bring Back You) - This was the first Sobs one I read, but it sent me on a spree.  this is the Memory Loss one.  I have one piece of advice here - read everything by Sobsicles. You can thank me later...just go to her page, and fucking sort to supernatural (or not, read it all!) I’d list them but I’d fucking seriously be here all day.  Also, her tags make me laugh so hard.

Author:  sobsicles https://archiveofourown.org/works/24022945/chapters/57796885

Orpheus - I love this one too, Tattooed!Cas, my LOVE. paired with Mechanic!Dean, my HEART, #help.  Read this one in one evening as well. (I was on a roll).  It’s a one night stand that turns into more (much like my last relationship)....hmm...maybe this is why I was pulled in - although to be fair that is the last similarity to my shitty love life! I do not remember how I stumbled onto this one (tattooed Cas may have been the draw...tbh). Read the warnings though, there is some triggering stuff in this one - but if you can handle it, it’s definitely worth the read. 

Author: sysrae       https://archiveofourown.org/works/2364347/chapters/5220227

Have Love, Will Travel - Can you say no to Stripper!Dean? Cause I sure as hell cannot. Typical sort of character development here with Dean having trust issues, and Cas being painfully awkward...(but in like a super cute way?).  Would Recommend. 

Author: squeemonster   https://archiveofourown.org/works/565455/chapters/1011747

The Inexhaustible Silence of Houses - Change of pace here...It’s got a nice twist.  I didn’t actually clue into how it was going to end until very near the end (maybe I was being oblivious), when the realization came over me and I was...man. I was DONE IN.  I hope that doesn’t spoil (I need some kind of way of remembering them). Voiceless!Cas Hunter!Dean

Author: Askance (doomcountry)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/560268/chapters/1000755

Adagio - This is super short, and super cute. Honestly, I would read the whole thing just for the last line. It’ll take you less than an hour if I remember correctly. Go, I’ll wait. I squeeed. did you? 

Author: noangelsinthegarrison   https://archiveofourown.org/works/1397248/chapters/2928145

Any Little Heartache - super easy read (not in a bad way, but in a ‘you’ll fly through it’ way).  It’s mid-length, not graphic, but really fun hospital AU. HeartSurgeon!Dean / Nurse!Cas - enemies to lovers anyone? Fuck you to Fuck me? yeah. YUM. 

Author: followthattardis https://archiveofourown.org/works/5143376/chapters/11838311

Ad Astra - This is another short(ish) one, just one chapter.  And by that I mean that this is written like a very long poem. Cas as a star who has visited Dean many times over the years of his life, that culminates in 4x01 barn scene. It’s ‘awe’ sad. ‘puppy dog eyes’ sad. The writing format took me a bit to understand what was happening - it’s my lack of poetry knowledge, not the writing.  

Author: nhixxie https://archiveofourown.org/works/1013491

Ad Astra Per Aspera - This is a cute story.  ESL writer, no judgement.  I found this while looking for the one above, and thought the premise looked cute - and it was. Misunderstanding leading to Dean realizing he’s actually Bi.  Miscommunication leading to realization.  

Author: Riverchester https://archiveofourown.org/works/12354336/chapters/28101816

Psalm 40:2 - Time travel post-canon Cas and Pre-series Dean.  If you’re wondering how that works, strap in for this ride, it’s well worth it. 

Author: unicornpoe https://archiveofourown.org/works/30786425/chapters/75992444

Addicted to You - Warlock!Dean/Incubus!Cas - accidental ‘mating’ (I actually really don’t like that word, but there’s sort of no avoiding it in this situation). Cute story.  When you drunk dial a succubus and get an incubus instead...Whatever will we do? 

Author: Ltleflrt https://archiveofourown.org/works/4387346/chapters/9959288 

A Glimpse Beyond - End Fix-it. Not yet complete, 10 chapters so far...I want MORE! Reliving memories Dean/Cas & Sam/Eileen.   

Author: NorthernSparrow https://archiveofourown.org/works/27731689/chapters/67875925

Cas-ti-el - Please I want more...It’s like the story just started. Please write more of this story!! 1 chapter, it’s a trope prompt challenge, but I want it to be a full on story of its own. Imprinted names of their soul mates, Dean doesn’t understand his (because it’s in a different language)...I’m frustrated by wanting this story to keep going. 

Author:  Valinde (Valyria)  https://archiveofourown.org/works/1941591

Our Bodies, Posessed by Light - another short one. Not going to lie, this one took a little getting used to, and I can’t say that I enjoyed it too much for the sole purpose that the premise gave me the willies.  Cas has to vessel jump - ends up in Sam...I got through it, it had a good ending, but yeah, sorry. This just wasn’t for me. 

Author:  obstinatrix  https://archiveofourown.org/works/260289

Peanut Butter Pumpkin Wedding Cake - Waiter!Dean / Writer!Cas - This is so effing cute, just misunderstanding after misunderstanding bumbling around like the couple of dorks that they are. It’s only one chapter. 100% would recommend. 

Author:  Sparseparsley https://archiveofourown.org/works/223962

Destiel, Actually - This is another super cute story, 5 chapters. Gabriel playing a singular role in putting Dean and Cas in awkward positions to push them together.  I fucking DIED at “oh, I am the sub” - needs context, but I guarantee you that you’ll laugh out loud...

Author:  Bexism  https://archiveofourown.org/works/399934/chapters/658398

The Smell Before the Rain - This was my first A/B/O - a big apology to all those who are into mpreg and whatnot, this was my lesson that I am not. this was not for me. Also - I’m a firm Cas (Alpha/Dom) believer, and i’m good with switch Cas, but it’s hard for me to take him being the full Omega here, when paired with the rest I just couldn’t do it. I finished it, but, not my thing. I know now. 

Author: jscribbles https://archiveofourown.org/works/22355230/chapters/53406127

Crazy Diamonds - This is another short one, only 3 chapters - it’s a body swap for Dean, 4x02 him and 2018 him swap places (assumption that 2018 him is “with” Cas).  It’s a super cute little story. 

Author:  pantheon_of_discord https://archiveofourown.org/works/16151642/chapters/37738631

The Breath of All Things - Wheelchair!Dean / Volunteer!Cas.  This is a lovely story, typical Dean self-hatred etc. Triggering for those with suicide warnings. It had me in tears at the end. There’s a really spectacular quote near the end that I found so romantic I screen grabbed it. 

Author:  KismetJeska https://archiveofourown.org/works/994750/chapters/1967519

Kind of a Forever Deal - SummerCamp!AU This is just a really cute and fluffy summer camp AU.  Which is so different from 91W (That’s right, check the author)! I was a little disappointed with the ending, but otherwise really enjoyed this all the way through and was loving all the discovery and young characterizations of all the characters. 

Author: komodobits https://archiveofourown.org/works/999291/chapters/1978478

Everytown, USA - Best way I can break this one down? Wanderer!Dean (listless and without a place in the world, he ends up in a small town...), Twin!Cas (that leads to some fun things). There are a number of points where you’re gonna yell at Dean for doing stupid shit (that are very much in character for him to do), you think, well, yes, obviously you’re going to do that you silly fucking boy [affectionate]; but whyyy? (but we know). 

Author: aileenrose https://archiveofourown.org/works/1797559/chapters/3854836

Chalk and Chainmail - HighSchool!AU, Cas is an artist, Dean LARP’s - it’s cute and angsty. 

Author:  lemonsorbae https://archiveofourown.org/works/804704/chapters/1517551

A Little Patience - Ok. you want smut? This is your story. You want Kink? This is your story.  I actually did not finish this. It got a little carried away in my opinion. It was VERY panty kink oriented (which, while essentially canon isn’t really my kink) so, if you want that Panty Kink on full display? Go forth and enjoy! it  is thirty something chapters, I got to the mid-twenties I Think. 

Author: riseofthefallenone https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232

Control - I REALLY ENJOYED THIS. Which is saying a lot for someone who has already admitted that a Subby Cas isn’t really my HC - so to so thoroughly enjoy a Sub!Cas story? (maybe it’s the tattooes...*wink*). It’s an AU where Cas is the head of a company - Dean is a callboy I guess, for lack of a better term. Just read it.

Author: dothraki_shieldmaiden  https://archiveofourown.org/works/31156601/chapters/76993217

More (I copy pasted the next lot from my google doc, I’ll flush them out later - no i wont...)

Teach Me (short) - movie night in the bunker, things get a little carried away   Author:  Chiyume  https://archiveofourown.org/works/5961327

You Light the Spark (in my bonfire heart) (short) - when cas doesn't realize that dean is unaware of his feelings, super short, super cute                      Author: noangelsinthegarrison https://archiveofourown.org/works/1193910 

Communication Breakdown (short/cockles) - dean ends up in Jensen's head while he films the confession scene, no sexual content Author: jujubiest   https://archiveofourown.org/works/29669601/chapters/72951339

Look What You Made Me Do (short/cockles) -      -  Vegas Con 2020 / jensen comes out with a song     - cute short - no sexual content Author:  green_blue_heller https://archiveofourown.org/works/30251592 Full House (short/cockles) - reimagined version of the rented house story - putting it in order (so to speak). funny / cute / fluffy not explicit   Author: n_nami  https://archiveofourown.org/works/30855827

Cyber Sex (short/cockles) - anastiel https://archiveofourown.org/works/31467086      - shameless post GISH Fest zoom call porn      - Short (very short)

It's Complicated (cockles) - gail_morgan https://archiveofourown.org/works/31434938/chapters/77747519       The GISHtake (short/cockles) - MellyCrazyCoconut https://archiveofourown.org/works/31508099     - cute short post GISH zoom     - oops "babe, really?"  

(10.02.2021 updated) Since last update: New reads - Fuck i’m gonna be here all day - there’s not gonna be as much gonna be NO detail in these breakdowns...sorry! This has now just become a “what i’ve read list” as opposed to a Rec list...

Love, All Alike (Pt. 1 Love, All Alike) - Phantoms_and_Foxgloves   https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555599/chapters/10370646                             - Though The Stars Walk Backward (pt 2 Love, All alike) - Phantoms_and_Foxgloves

And this, your living kiss - opal_bullets   https://archiveofourown.org/works/18083927/chapters/42744872

Come On, Let's Strike a Match (Domination and Submission: a love story pt 1) - anyrei & queerwerewolf ***   https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722478/chapters/62458810    - Playing With Fire (D&S: a love story pt 2)    - We Kiss and the Flames Get Higher (D&S: a love story pt 3)     - Sparking That Old Flame (D&S: a love story pt 4) 

Cinderwings - bendingsignpost Cinderella!AU**   https://archiveofourown.org/works/12847041/chapters/29336421

Linden - fleeceframe Swan!AU**   https://archiveofourown.org/works/33126730/chapters/82236118

No Netflix, No Chill (short) - dorian_they   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28764966

Can't Drink You Away (short) - dorian_they   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28785792 

Jensen Totally (Does Not!) Snore (short RPF) - Dorian_they   https://archiveofourown.org/works/30315717

Dean Ships It (short) - dorian_they   https://archiveofourown.org/works/30349434

All about control - wingless   https://archiveofourown.org/works/9151930/chapters/20791243

Aesthetics in Autoerotica (pt 1 Aesthetics in Autoerotica) - relucant   https://archiveofourown.org/works/3885544                                                             - The Ties that Bind (pt 2 Aesthetics in Autoerotica) - relucant

Let's take a drive - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32581027/chapters/80819581 

Enchanted ink - castielslostwings TattooArtist!Dean TattooArtist!Castiel AU ***   https://archiveofourown.org/works/23043622/chapters/55109530

The bones beneath our skin - darknessbound   https://archiveofourown.org/works/24633754/chapters/59515804

The Plot (RPF) - Castiel_Left_His_Mark_On_Me   https://archiveofourown.org/works/2795588/chapters/6274970

The Gentle Force with which you Take Me (RPF) - Phoenix_Ascended   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32110120/chapters/79549183

According to all known laws of Life (Pt. 1 Cursed Metaphors) - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/29207901                                                          - and he's back (with a mind of his own) (pt. 2 Cursed Metaphors) - sobsicles

Six hundred sundays (and many more) - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31158776

Aching in the Absence of you - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31832977/chapters/78811378

gorging myself on you, still can’t get full (insatiable) (Short) - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32203291

memories bring back memories (bring back you) - sobsicles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/24022945/chapters/57796885

Dream Come True (short) - bendingsignpost   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28071159

tall grass - aeli_kindara   https://archiveofourown.org/works/13127040/chapters/30030726

asunder (Short) - rageprufrock https://archiveofourown.org/works/62115

Apheresis - bendingsignpost BloodDonor!AU **   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32674783/chapters/81056680

we always were but never knew it - frightfullyrude   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32698324/chapters/81119503

In this Louisiana Bar (Short) - fleeceframe   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31764487

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Alternate Universes - n_nami   https://archiveofourown.org/works/32687929/chapters/81092785

my heart a compass - lagaudiere https://archiveofourown.org/works/28629951

Unsound Inverses - sp8ce (not complete)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/29836881/chapters/73413300

The Jensen Mistake (RPFish) - fellshish   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31950169

tell me about the dream (Pt. 1 Kids are coming home) - playedwright   https://archiveofourown.org/works/27984813/chapters/68544450

It's handy to know (FIMMF Themed ;)) - RosaMarloes   https://archiveofourown.org/works/31761322

So Says The Sword - komodobits AngelTrueform!AU**   https://archiveofourown.org/works/12597892/chapters/28695592

Communication Breakdown (RPFish)- darkshrimpemotions (jujubiest)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/29669601/chapters/72951339

Carry You Home - Casloveshisfreckles   https://archiveofourown.org/works/26982637/chapters/65862916

In the Shadow of your Wings - Enochian Things (Salr323)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/7531294/chapters/17121655

When Harry Met Sally (RPF) (Pt. 1 When Harry Met Sally ‘verse) - mnwood   https://archiveofourown.org/works/7622347/chapters/17351845    - Eight Dildos (RPF) (Pt. 2 When Harry Met Sally ‘verse) - mnwood    - Attention, Please (RPF) (Pt. 3 When Harry Met Sally ‘verse) - mnwood             - Boat Trip (RPF) (Pt. 4 When Harry Met Sally ‘verse) - mnwood

A Winter's Tale - NorthernSparrow   https://archiveofourown.org/works/2654327/chapters/5930561

A Close Shave - NorthernSparrow https://archiveofourown.org/works/3090167

r/supernatural - renrub (short) https://archiveofourown.org/works/27626783

sam reads destiel fics - rebshome (short - funny!)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/33721624

Angel Cookies - noxsoulmate Chirstmas!AU **  https://archiveofourown.org/works/11729640/chapters/26427765

Under The Midnight Sun - NorthernSparrow Arctic!AU **   https://archiveofourown.org/works/16690645/chapters/39143677

Bron-Yr-Aur - mrbluesky (Short) https://archiveofourown.org/works/28225335

The Dean Winchester Beat Sheet - saltyfeathers   https://archiveofourown.org/works/19258594/chapters/45800209

The Meaning On My Skin - saltnhalo   https://archiveofourown.org/works/18005378/chapters/42538133

Red Right Hand (Pt. 1 Murder Ballads)  - Duckyboos   https://archiveofourown.org/works/4306110/chapters/9760008    - Are you the One that I've been waiting for? (pt. 2 Murder Ballads) - Duckyboos   

Riptides - sharkfish   https://archiveofourown.org/works/13230426/chapters/30263556

Damn Fine Ride - Cimorene105 (pt 1 - rodeo) Cowboy!AU** (I’m a horse girl, sue me...)  https://archiveofourown.org/works/14342340    - My Face Just Does This, Sometimes - Cimorene105 (pt. 2 rodeo)    - The Kinkiest Thing I've Ever Done- Cimorene105 (pt 3 rodeo)    - All Signs Point to Love - Cimorene105 (pt. 4 rodeo)    - Monster Love - Cimorene105 (pt. 5 rodeo)    - My Man, The Siren - Cimorene105 (pt. 6 rodeo)    - A Pain in My Ass - Cimorene105 (pt. 7 rodeo)

Astrolabe (terra incognita pt 1) - reluctantabandon, Winter_of_our_Discontent   https://archiveofourown.org/works/3348812/chapters/7326794    - Drollery (terra incognita pt 2) - reluctantabandon Winter_of_our_Discontent    - Rubrication (terra incognita pt 3) - reluctantabandon Winter_of_our_Discontent

Go Down With This Ship - PorcupineGirl   https://archiveofourown.org/works/8023642/chapters/18370474

Fire and Ice - Castielslostwings (Firefighter/Paramedic AU!) **   https://archiveofourown.org/works/23286295/chapters/55768486

The Structural Similarities of Hunters and Onions - Faster_Than_the_Speed_of_Sound (Short)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/33383101

Castiel Novak's Office, This is Dean - emmbrancsxx0   https://archiveofourown.org/works/22411336/chapters/53545840

Out of the Deep (out of the deep pt. 1) - riseofthefallenone - MERMAID AU! **   https://archiveofourown.org/works/548878/chapters/977676

Dean (and Cas') Top 13 Zepp Traxx - pantheon_of_discord   https://archiveofourown.org/works/10909440/chapters/24256989

I'll Be Good - LittleAngelCassie   https://archiveofourown.org/works/4118334/chapters/9282234

Kenosis - CastielsCarma (Short - part of Destiel ABC collection)   https://archiveofourown.org/works/30411720

[grittyreadsfic]

hello my friends, one singular person asked for this weeks ago so i’m here with my most unhinged rec list yet: tk and nolan.

now, this one was hard to reign in, so i really didn’t. this pairing had maybe 230 fics in the tag when i first started reading hockey fic, and it’s now over 900, and i’ve read far too many of them, and that makes it so hard to parse it down. so i just...didn't!

so with that said, please enjoy so you want to get into tknp: a beginners guide to a classic case of idiots to lovers

i told myself that i couldn’t rec an author’s entire body of work but then i remembered this is my blog and i do what i want, so i did some consolidating. here’s a list of the quintessential authors for this pairing, you can start at any of their profiles and pick any of their fics at random, and it’ll be one of the best ones for the pairing, hands down.

therainbowsedge: i’d start with the summer camp fic, or the sex toys one, as both beautifully capture the true idiots to lovers nature of this pairing, but just top tier writing all around

manybumblebees: the wedding fic is so tender and port stanley is a classic, but literally pick any single fic and you’ll have a perfect tknp fic. i’m not kidding

jamesvanriemsdick: their tknp fics in their series are some of the hidden gems of this pairing (the tk heartbeat fic makes me LOSE it) but the delaware fic or the seattle fic…..there’s really something for every mood

catchascatchcan: start with era of gods because i could write literal essays on how it’s some of the best fantasy worldbuilding i’ve ever read, but then just read everything else on their account, including non tknp fics. you won’t regret it

hackysack: ao3 user hackysack has written one of two timeloop fics that i absolutely adore, and i thought about just calling that one out in particular, but all of their work deserves the attention

canary: nothing to prove was the first tknp fic i ever read and i was immediately hooked. all of their fics are a good starting place for the pairing, and just really give you a feeling for the pairing

and now, for the fic recs!

to be, despite it all by smudgedfreckles

summary: or, nolan patrick’s gender thesis, by travis konecny.

why i love it: there’s not a lot ofo nonbinary characters in media, even in fic, but this fic’s treatment of nolan and their path to figuring out their gender just feels so real and made me feel so seen. tk’s characterization is also just top notch, and it’s just a super sweet story about two people who love each other

last ones standing by makeit_takeit

summary: If you’re committed to finding your future spouse, reads the last line of the ad, and are ready to look at yourself and your love life in a whole new way, apply now.

At the bottom of the ad there’s a link, and Travis finds his finger hovering over the screen, lip still caught between his teeth.

“I mean,” he says very reasonably, speaking out loud to his empty apartment like some sort of possibly-crazy person, “just applying doesn’t mean anything. Maybe I just fill it out, and see what happens. It’s not like I’m really gonna get picked to be on TV, come on.”

He snorts out loud, just to show his apartment he hasn’t lost his grip on reality or anything; he fully understands how ludicrous that would be.

Then he clicks the link anyway, because yolo or whatever.

why i love it: what part of a married at first sight fic doesn’t make you want to immediately dive right in? the concept is fun, the execution is absolutely flawless, and it captures their dynamic so well while letting it develop naturally

motivation by connectknee

summary: Kevin knows when to back off, the article said. He knows just when to shut up and leave Patty alone, something Travis has never known how to do.

why i love it: the thing i love about this pairing is that tk is loud and in your face, and nolan’s more reserved, a little quieter, a little harder to read. this fic does a really great job of exploring how tk could feel like maybe he’s just a bit too much and is one of my favorites in terms of miscommunication

a tenderness grows by rusesdeguerre

summary: Nolan wouldn’t say that landing a job as the Philadelphia Flyers’ psychotic and probably clinically insane mascot was a childhood dream of his. Maybe tangentially: playing pond hockey in –30°C weather and pretending to be Sidney Crosby is practically a rite of passage when you grow up in Manitoba. That, and experiencing the distinct displeasure that is thousands of mosquitoes sucking your blood out when your father drags you on a father-son camping trip into the backwoods of the northern Canadian Prairies.

why i love it: this was the first fic i recced on this blog, and i stand by that decision. a fic where nolan is not only not a hockey player, but is in fact the person in the gritty suit? absolutely perfect, and so charming from start to finish

meet me at my window by springsteen

summary: Travis has lived in Philadelphia for a few years now, long enough to know there isn’t a major city in America where superheroes don’t destroy an entire city block trying to save humanity or whatever. He can deal with all the super-shit, but Travis did not sign up for getting woken up from a deep sleep because some fucker’s trying to break in through his window.

(5 times the super-villain known as "The Cat" breaks into Travis's apartment, plus 1 time Travis invites him in.)

why i love it: there’s a lot of things to love here, but the concept is just absolutely one of my all time favorite aus ever. it’s fun and charming and the perfect glimpse into a world where heroes and villains exist, and what it’s like just to be a run of the mill kind of guy existing in it. tk and nolan’s back and forth in this make it so engaging, and it’s such a top tier fic

body’s in trouble by cloudsandpassingevents

summary: “Oh, sorry,” someone says. “Didn’t know anyone else was here.”

Nolan freezes, then turns around very slowly. When he looks up, Nicklas fucking Backstrom is standing behind him in a hoodie and baggy sweats, holding the biggest bag of Swedish Fish Nolan’s ever seen in his life in one hand.

“Uh,” Nolan says around the pop tart between his teeth. “Yeah.”

What the fuck, his brain helpfully supplies.

why i love it: from nolan’s inner voice, to the way the author explores all the dynamics within the team, to the way they write the unexpected but actually, it kind of makes sense friendship between nolan and backstrom, is just absolutely fantastic. there’s a lot of moments that circle back and build on each other in a way that really just makes it super compelling

rhizomatic foundations by lighthousetowers

summary: Twenty days after he moves in with Kevin Hayes, twenty days – three months, five months, depending on how you look at it – after not talking to TK, TK shows up at the front door with a plant the size of a basketball in his hands.

TK grins. "Patty, meet Reginald." He lifts up the plant. "Reggie, meet Patty. He's going to be your new - caretaker."

"What the fuck," says Nolan, not moving a single muscle.

Or: That Nolan can hear the plant talk might as well just happen.

why i love it: this is probably my favorite magical realism fic just about ever. it’s fun and charming and a little weird, but in the best possible way. there’s such a wonderful narrative in it, and lighthousetowers always has such beautiful writing, and it really shines in this one. the dialogue and nolan’s characterization are also part of what set it apart for me as one of the best tknp fics

in the dark of any town by mengetpegged

summary: If the voice has an accent at all, it’s a flat prairie Canadian, with none of G’s French-Canadian softness at the edges. But mostly, the accent is just ‘pissed off,’ which TK believes is a default setting for ghosts.

“Who are you?” TK asks, and he doesn’t like how strained his voice sounds, doesn’t like the tinge of anxiety tinting the rise of his question. He tries to regulate his breaths—in through his nose, hold, out through his mouth—but it feels like he’s not getting enough oxygen, which makes him panic even more.

“Someone with a fucking migraine, dickhead,” the voice says. “So keep the lights off and shut the hell up.”

(or: Nolan Patrick, Hotel X Ghost)

why i love it: i’m usually not super into ghost fics, both the spooky kind and the nonspooky kind, but this one is a rare exception. it’s charming and fun and tender and it’s got some of, in my opinion, the best characterization of tk and nolan in any fic. the way the author writes their dynamic and their dialogue is just unmatched

lets_make_this_moment_a_crime.mp3 by honeydripping

summary: Travis meets Nolan at a Midtown show in 2002 when he punches Nolan in the face. He can’t help it, “Like A Movie” just goes off.

But he does feel guilty about it.

or

TK and Patty work at a bakery together. They go to punk shows to pass the time.

why i love it: idk if anyone asked for an early 2000s emo/punk/alt au but wow! i sure am glad it exists! really the vibes of this fic, as silly as that sounds, are absolutely unmatched. i love the structure with the music, the development of their relationship, and just everything about how the author wrote the setting (there’s this whole thing with tattoos in it that makes me feel absolutely insane)

you’re ripped at every edge by you’re a masterpiece by conformityissuicide

summary: “Ugh, look, this yoga teacher has it out for me, man. And I can’t go back there without at least having some of the basics down. I’ve got to win this battle.”

“Yoga isn’t really something you win at,” Hartsy starts.

Travis cuts him off, “You can win at anything if you try hard enough.”

+++

OR that time Nolan's a grumpy yoga teacher and Travis realizes he wants to bone him and prove him wrong about Travis' non-existent yoga abilities.

why i love it: listen, if you want tknp, at least one of them has to be an idiot, and this tk absolutely captures the obliviousness i love to see in him in fic. it’s such a great characterization of them both and such a great concept (and even better execution)

you form a terror pack (and i’m aware of that) by dalmatienne

summary: “Can I help you?” TK snarks, both eyebrows hiked up in a way that has earned her many elbow checks to the ribs.

The chick looks down her nose, long thick eyelashes fluttering. Red-bitten lips part to blow a florid pink bubble and TK can smell the chemical sweetness when it pops.

“Yeah,” she says in this monotonous voice that seems almost at odds with her bubble gum and neon skates. She jams her stopper into TK’s thigh again, literally inches away from where it’d really hurt. “Tie ‘em.”

why i love it: to be honest, i generally don’t read rule 63 within hrpf, but this one is just absolutely knocks it out of the park. the concept (i fuckin’ love roller derby), the characterization of nolan, the pacing, the rituals, the tone of the entire fic, it’s just all around a perfect read from start to finish

thrills and grills by bitter_leaf

summary: Travis can’t even begin to wonder what he did in a previous life to incur the wrath of this fucking cook. Travis thinks he’s a nice person, doesn’t conduct himself in any way that could be considered particularly dickish, and unless this guy has some sort of issue with hockey bros or people from the boonies, he’s not sure how he started shit without even knowing.

__

Patty has a vendetta. Travis just wants to eat his eggs in peace.

why i love it: honestly this is the enemies to lovers fic i’ve been waiting for. i remember seeing the reddit post when it first went viral and thinking it would make such a great fic premise, so stumbling across this one was just so wonderful. super engaging and fun and so hilarious to read!

nothing but room for you by fightingfuries

summary: When his agent tells him he’s going to be traded to the Devils, Nolan isn't sure how he feels about it. Might be easier if he was going somewhere farther away, like California or fucking Florida. Somewhere sun-soaked and foreign. Someplace so different from Philadelphia that he can forget he ever played for the Flyers, forget everything that happened there.

Or Nolan fucks up, gets traded, gets his shit together and falls in love. Not necessarily in that order.

why i love it: i cannot stress to you how much i love trade fics, and this one is one of my absolute favorites. the trade to the devils-so close to philly, still, but there’s more to distance than physical miles-was such an excellent choice and the split timeline adds so much to the narrative, and the emotions are real and messy and complicated in the best way

a couple of runaways (i’m glad you stayed) by overturnedgoal

summary: The person in the video he’s watching is super annoying. Some obnoxious holier than thou granola type who keeps talking about their environmental impact as if they aren’t driving a gas guzzler around, but the basic idea of living in a van, driving around wherever, camping all the time, just going hiking and swimming and seeing the whole country? It sounds pretty dope, honestly.

why i love it: i like to watch tours and conversions of vans/buses into tiny homes as a self soothing method, and this fic has the same impact that watching those do. it’s such a fun concept, and it’s so fuckin’ soft, and the dialouge between tk and nolan is just *chef’s kiss*

all candor and style in the crook of your smile by p3trichor

summary: It’s a photo of Nolan on his knees with someones’ fingers in his mouth, lips slick with spit. Travis flicks by it almost too fast and he’s only got seconds to decide if he wants to screenshot it, if he wants to just give up the ghost right then and there. Except Travis’s phone freezes momentarily and then the group refreshes, sidcros87, Bert59 and 14 others took a screenshot!

It’s gone before Travis even has time to process it and he already wasted his replay of the day on a stupid video of a stupid fish that Hayes caught.

Can you send me that screenshot Travis texts Bertuzzi before he can overthink it, his dick already stirring in his sweats. Tuzzi sends back the cry-laughing emoji and then the screenshot before Travis can be too annoyed at him.

Or, Nolan is being weird about Travis's break-up and TK is maybe not straight.

why i love it: i genuinely don’t think i have words for the amount i love this fic. it took me forever to actually read, but it’s absolutely one of my favorite fics, and it’s an absolutely riot to read. carter’s meddling and the presence of tyler bertuzzi both make it extra fun, in my humble opinion

[st0rmyskies]

hi pls tell me what other piercings (and tats if they’ve got ‘em) the hsh boys have. legend specifically. i am here and i am THIRSTING

YES I am a Big Fan of body modification and I officially love this ask. I put a little too much time into it, honestly. Pierced ears seem to be some Hylian male rite of passage, so assume that anyone not specifically mentioned here habitually wears hoops. Photos aren't mine, drawings are.

I'll start with Legend, since you asked about him specifically, and since he's probably the most heavily-modded in the house. Lobes stretched to a modest 00g (10mm), tends to wear darker amethyst plugs (supposed to be calming). He wears a variety of studs and hoops depending on his mood. At the risk of seeming a little extra, he's also the most likely to have sleeve tattoos that extend down onto his hands and fingers, with one robust hibiscus flower on the back of his right hand.

(source)

I'm going to honor Anon's idea about Wild having a cute heart-shaped conch piercing. A second pair of holes would also suit him well, and you know he pierced that shit himself in some club bathroom on a dare.

Four has a few extra holes in his ears, and the earrings he wears tend to be mismatched on either side. He's just going with whatever feels right in a day.

While Warriors has the traditional single lobe piercing, he opts for tasteful silver discs rather than hoops. And maybe somebody gets him some diamond studs for a special occasion someday that he hardly ever takes out again.

Wind is rebellious enough to want some sort of body mods, but his pain tolerance is relatively low compared to the others. He gets an eyebrow piercing that he takes out 36 hours later, and he's more fond of the scar than he was the piercing.

Twilight isn't one to pierce things, but the urge to give him a huge wolf-themed back piece is very strong. No sense in wasting that canvas. These obvi aren't back pieces but holy shit are they cool.

(source 1) (source 2)

Time does not escape this treatment, either. He had a wild youth, and a few of the boys have spotted a faded old Goron ruby tattoo on his left deltoid. Nobody's brave enough to ask him about it.

(source)

And, as I said, I've been writing and drawing Dark for a long long time, and I've always pictured him having an industrial and an eyebrow piercing. He's also the most heavily-tattooed out of all of them, blackwork only, in his attempt to regain some autonomy after what Ganon did to him.

And now that I've done all that damn tattoo searching, guess what I want next?

(source)

[dyde21]

Learning - 1

Also available on AO3 HERE

Summary:

Peter Parker has a lot on his plate. Too much. He's also just so damn tired all the time. But people are counting on him. Counting on Spider-man. So he can't afford to slow down. He just has to keep moving forward.

Until everything falls apart because of a pancake.

Luckily there are people there to help pick up the pieces.

Or

Peter learns how to accept help and how to grow.

XxXxXxXxX

Peter Parker was pretty sure his biggest enemy was Spider-man. Spider-man meant the world to him, and he really wasn’t sure he’d ever find himself in a place to give up the mantle. Maybe if he found someone to take over for him, or if the city didn’t need him anymore, he could afford to slow down. 

But as he grew into a young adult, he knew that it wasn’t a possibility for him anytime soon. His mind and body yearned to be out there when he had gone too long without saving someone. He could just imagine the scenes of the people he didn’t save when he wasn’t out there. The lives lost or ruined because he was not out there. 

As much as he knew he had to be Spider-man, there was still a part of him that yearned to be a normal college student. Someone who could have weekend movie nights with his friends after long hours doing homework together. Someone who could drop by his aunt’s place and cook dinner with her to catch up after a busy week. Someone who could plan a date night weeks in advance and know for sure that he wouldn’t miss it or bail early. But he had resigned himself to the fact that he couldn’t have that. 

He hated how much he hurt others. He hated the disappointed, yet understanding looks his friends gave him everytime he had to leave early or show up late. He hated how he had lately stopped making promises because he longer believed he could keep them. So he had to make it up to them. He tried desperately to prove how much he cared about them every chance he got. Little gifts, reminders of conversations, jumping at the chance to do anything in the moment while he was at their side. He dreaded the day they realized he wasn’t worth all the trouble, he knew it had to be coming soon. But he could feel his life falling apart at the seams.

But Spider-man wouldn’t. Spider-man wouldn’t disappoint the city. Even when they hated them, he’d still be out there protecting it. Because people needed Spider-man. People needed Peter. He had to live up to those responsibilities.

However Peter felt so <em>tired</em>. He could feel himself running on fumes, but he’d manage. He always did. He always had to. 

Until suddenly he couldn’t. Until Peter broke.

It hadn’t even been a dramatic fight with someone like the Rhino. It hadn’t been an explosive alien bomb he couldn’t deal with. It had been a pancake.

Midterms sucked for everyone. Normal students and superhero students alike, they just sucked. A week of projects and tests and papers that were all due around the same time. It was a cruel seasonal rite of passage. Unfortunately combining that with having missed almost the maximum number of classes allowed in the term already, Peter was behind. But that wasn’t anything new. 

But the same old problem was still a problem. Which meant that was how Peter found himself on Saturday morning stopping by the corner store and grabbing a six pack of energy drinks, a couple of cups of noodles, and some chocolate for comfort’s sake. 

He had a long weekend ahead of him, and he knew he just had to get through it. Maybe he could take it a little easier. Pausing before the counter, he had walked back and grabbed a couple of bags of Ned’s favorite sour worms. He knew Ned liked to snack on them when he got stressed and he knew there was a coding midterm Ned had been stressing about all week. 

After he paid, he made sure to take the long way around and stopped by MJ’s favorite tea place. Filling up a thermos, he had also splurged to get her a few boxes of the teas they imported there from fairly traded farmers abroad. MJ had done research into the brand and found they were providing a good opportunity, and she liked the tea so it had been a win-win. Sure it had cost him a bit more, but he figured he could just cut back on his meals for a week, no biggie. The protein bars Bruce had made for him ensured he got the vitamins he needed, so he figured it’d be fine. 

Swinging by MJ’s place, he felt a small surge of energy in his otherwise exhausted body. He loved seeing her, and he knew she tended to isolate herself when going into heavy work mode, so their interaction would be brief but if he could make her smile it would be worth it. He knew things were still a little tense after he had been forced to bail on their anniversary dinner because Rhino had decided to go on a rampage to ruin his love life. He really, really wanted to stay. He had even promised himself he wouldn’t let normal crime alerts stop him, but the Rhino was more than the police could handle. One masked crazy required another. He had even been trying to force himself to stay when she had grabbed his hand, and with that same sad smile told him to go.

Making his way up to her small studio apartment she shared with Gwen, he had knocked on their door, shifting from place to place. Should he have grabbed flowers? Maybe that would be too much. Also too expensive. Should he have picked some? He knew MJ liked to complain about cliches like that, but also knew she liked them more than she would admit, considering he had seen the handmade card he had crafted her on valentine's day at Pepper’s advice was still on her desk months later. Shoul-

He was cut off from his internal rambling by the door being opened up. An exhausted, weary looking MJ stared at him, in open confusion. Normally she’d be better about putting on some sort of mask, but he could tell she was pretty tired too. She was dressed in sweats and one of his hoodies she had stolen when she came over the night before their anniversary. 

A range of emotions crossed her face. Surprised. Guarded. Frustrated. Concerned. Happy. 

“Hi.” She said simply after a moment, clearly waiting for him to say something. 

“U-uh hi. Yeah. I just…” He realized he really should have thought of what he wanted to say before showing up. 

MJ raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms and leaning against the doorframe. “I’m kinda busy.” She said, before she winced. He had a feeling she was still a little hurt about their date, but also hadn’t meant to sound so cold to him. He couldn’t blame her. He deserved it.

“Right! I know.” He cleared his throat. “I know. I promise I’m not here to bother you. I just… here.” He said, handing her the thermos. She took it, surprised before she took a sip and a smile crossed her features. Peter’s heart melted a little at it. He also shoved the two boxes of her favorite tea into her arms. “Also these. And an apology. I’m really sorry. I know I say that a lot. And it sucks. But I am.” He said, his eyes drifting to the floor. He hated how familiar this felt. 

“I know.” MJ said softly, before he saw her feet step forward, and he felt her tip his chin up as she kissed him gently. 

Peter returned it for a moment before he stepped back. “I know you have work so I won’t distract you. I just… wanted to give you a little care package, and say I know you’ll rock this. I can proofread your article if you need me to too. Or just to get an opinion.” 

MJ’s expression softened again. “Thanks, Tiger.” She said, a soft smile. Then her brow furrowed. “Are you okay though?” She said, reaching out to grab his jaw and turn it as she inspected him. “Have you been eating? Sleeping? You look like shit.” She said bluntly, but not uncaringly. 

“Oh, ouch.” He said with mock affront. MJ just rolled her eyes, knowing he knew what she meant. “Midterms.” Peter brushed off her concerns with a shrug. “Happens to us all. I mean you always look beautiful. But you also look a little less beautiful. Only stunningly gorgeous today.” He offered a small smirk on his face. 

MJ rolled her eyes again, shoving his shoulder weakly. “I’m sorry I didn’t try to make myself look nice hoping you’d drop by unannounced.” She replied in a dry tone. “But Gwen and I are making sure we take care of each other. You’re still living alone since Ned moved in with Betty. I’m worried.” She confessed. 

Peter offered her what he hoped was a reassuringly and not as fake looking as it felt smile. “I’ll be fine. Just gotta get a lot done this weekend. Then I’ll rest next week sometime. Maybe we can have a night in, no suit, no alerts.” He offered.

MJ looked at him skeptically, like she knew that was an offer that probably couldn’t be kept. But she must have also seen how desperately he was hoping for her to say yes. Some little hope to hold onto to get through the weekend. She nodded. 

“Yeah. Sounds nice. I’d like that.” She affirmed, leaning in for another quick kiss. She paused, pulling out the collar of his sweater. “Pete, you need to eat. You’re losing weight again.” She warned, seeing how pronounced his collarbones were starting to be again. 

He stepped back, pulling it back. “I will! I bought stuff today.” He didn’t mention it had been energy drinks, sugar, and salt pretty much but he didn’t need to worry her anymore. “I can’t wait to read your article. You better send it to me!” He said as he started down the hallway before he could drag any more of MJ’s attention away from her work with concern for him. He didn’t need it. He’d be fine. 

MJ just watched him leave, sipping her drink for a moment before she let her head slump against the doorframe with a sigh. A bad feeling welling up in her stomach.

Peter’s next stop had been over to Ned’s place.

When he knocked at the door, he figured MJ must have texted him because Ned didn’t seem surprised in the least. 

“Hey Peter, come in for a sec.” He said, practically dragging him into the apartment. Peter was surprised by that, having planned to just make the drop and leave, but he was herded over to a stool at the counter and forced to sit on it as he fished out the gummies to give to Ned.

“Here man, I know you still have to finish up the code then work out the bugs in it. I brought you emergency rations.”

Ned gave him a quick side hug, taking them. “Thanks. Now eat.” He ordered as he deposited the gift as his computer.

Peter was confused until a sandwich slid in front of him, along with a drink and a cookie. He looked up, seeing Betty looking at him with an expectant look. It reminded him of MJ. He had a feeling they had been hanging out a lot more recently. 

“I’m fine.” He offered weakly, feeling bad they were taking time to take care of him. 

Ned crossed his arms, giving him a thoroughly unimpressed look he had honed over years of dealing with Peter’s bullshit. “Dude, you look even more barebones than usual, don’t think a baggy sweater hides that. MJ said you are doing your gift rounds too which means you’re stressed out because you picked that up from Tony too.” Ned laid out, honest. “Eat the damn sandwich.”

Betty was side-eyeing Ned like she didn’t agree that the best way to get Peter to eat was to snap at him, but Peter just sighed and took a bite of the sandwich. It tasted so good he wanted to cry. He almost did, but he busied himself with taking a bite of the cookie before he could lose his shit over a sandwich someone made for him and start up a whole new series of conversations he wasn’t ready for.

He devoured the sandwich probably too quickly because Betty looked like she was about to make another one just to keep him eating. But he forced himself to stand up. “Thank you. Really. I needed that.” He confessed. “But we both have work so I should get back.”

“It’s fine if you want to relax here for a moment.” Betty offered with a gentle smile.

Peter’s throat felt tight at the nice offer but shook his head. “N-no. I’m fine. Both of you have work to do too. I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Pete…” Ned started but Peter just fist bumped him and left, laughing a bit too hysterically for it to seem natural. 

“I’ll be fine man! We’ll catch up next week.” He promised as he quickly made his way out of the apartment. He felt like he was about to start crying for too many different reasons and wanted to be alone for it. 

He heard them still calling after him as the door closed and he practically rushed down the hall. He just had to get home. He could be alone in his home. 

By the time he got home, Peter had managed to get himself in control. AKA, shoving all his annoying emotions and impending breakdowns deep within him to deal with at a later time. He had studying to do now, he didn’t have time for pesky things like proper emotions.

Pulling out the first energy drink, Peter just leaned against the counter and closed his eyes. He’d be fine. He just had to get through this weekend and he could afford a little rest. He made a point not to think of how he had made that promise the previous weekend as well.

Pulling out his phone, he found the photo he was looking for and smiled for a moment. It was a selfie of him and MJ. MJ was standing in the suit after she had wanted to try it on one night, and he was kissing her cheek as she was mid laugh. He could do it for her. 

Moving over to his small kitchen table, he cleared everything off it by piling it onto the counter haphazardly and set up his laptop and books. He glanced over at the stacks of dirty dishes with a frown. He had gotten a lot worse at keeping them clean since Ned moved out. Looking around, he saw the entire place had kind of gone to shit since Ned moved out. Stuff piled up everywhere, too much dirty laundry, a bag of trash he hadn’t taken out yet tied in the corner.

Normally he went over to MJ’s place since Gwen had done a good job with the interior design of it and it was spacious and well organized. He did his best to hide how bad his place looked, too ashamed.

Pushing down more thoughts of how much of a disappointment he was for failing to keep his apartment together he sat down at the computer as he took another sip of his energy drink. He just had to get through this.

Pulling up his assignments he began to try and organize them. Working was something he could do. Solving problems was something he was good at. 

A few hours passed and Peter had actually managed to make quite a bit of progress on his assignments. Which was good. Figuring he needed a break, he got up and moved over to the ramen. His stomach was angry now, and wanted a proper meal but he didn’t exactly have enough money at the moment to splurge. He was tempted to swing by the Avenger’s tower to grab a meal there, but he knew they might get on his case if they saw him looking this rundown. Turning on the electric kettle, he turned on some music to listen to it while he waited, closing his eyes to take a moment to relax. 

It was a playlist MJ had made for him, and he knew all the songs by heart now, including the order of them. It helped him relax. Singing along softly, he waited for the kettle to click off as he poured it into the cup of noodle, pleased his hands weren’t shaking. Going into the drawer, he paused as he saw he had no clean forks. Of course he didn’t, cause he was a fucking mess.

He bit his lip, hating that a tear escaped his eyes as he trudged ever to the sink and quickly washed one as he blinked away the burning sensation in his eyes. This was dumb. It was just a fork. He just had to do the dishes. Eventually.

Finally cleaning the fork, he set it on top of the cup as it heated up the noodles and just slumped into his seat, letting his head fall against the table. He was just so tired. He had time to kill until the noodles were cooked enough so he could close his eyes for a minute…

<em>Peter stared in horror as MJ struggled to pry herself from the metal gauntlet wrapped around her neck. Her feet dangled helplessly over the edge.

“Pe… peter. Help.” She choked out.

“LET HER GO.” Peter tried to scream out but no words would escape him. Iron Man’s cold eyes stared at him. 

“You were a mistake.” He said in an emotional robotic voice as the hand opened up.

Peter ran towards her, but as he stepped the suit around him dissolved, leaving him in his old homemade suit, and none of his tools. Desperate anyway, he jumped off the edge, trying to dive for MJ but she was falling too fast for him. He couldn’t make it in ti-</em> 

Peter woke with a start, knocking one of his textbooks off the table as he looked around. It was darker. With a groan, he checked the clock. 3 hours had passed. Great. Guess that would be enough sleep for the night. Glancing at his phone he saw some messages from MJ and Ned but he really couldn’t bring himself to respond to them at the moment. 

Wiping sleep from his eyes, he hated how he had slept for three hours he didn’t plan to, but still felt exhausted. Nightmares sucked. 

Walking over to his noodles, he peeled off the lid and stared down at them. They were super soggy now. Peter was pretty sure he’d be more disappointed if he had the energy to be. Instead he just moved back over to the table, and flipped open his textbook to the section he had to go over again for the test because he had missed that class after a big fight and getting too injured to go in for it. 

He slowly ate his soggy noodles as he stared at the same passage, reading it a few times but not really absorbing it. By the time he had actually managed to process all the content on the page, he felt his fork scraping against the bottom of the now empty cup. Great.

Setting it down on the table he just leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. Where was his life even going now? Why the hell was MJ even with him?

He checked his messages finally, both of his friends checking on him. He sent them a generic assurance before he sighed. Forcing himself to his feet, he figured he needed to make himself useful. He quickly changed into his suit as he saw the sun starting to set outside. He knew he couldn’t afford to spend too much time out as Spider-man tonight, and probably none tomorrow so he figured he would make it count while he could. 

As he warmed up and swung through the city, for the briefest moment it felt like he was able to forget his problems. Like his real life was hidden away back in his nest of an apartment, and out here he was just Spider-man. The hero with no obligations, able to save people and bring a smile to those who didn’t despite him. 

The rush was almost enough for him to avoid the bone deep exhaustion creeping through his body. He managed to stop a few robberies, a carjacking, and helped a drunk person find their way home without much issue. It helped his mood a bit, feeling useful. Feeling like he was actually able to take control of things and do some good.

What didn’t feel good though was seeing Rhino rampaging down the street. His shoulders slumped, he was not in the mood to deal with him today. He still had homework.

Swinging down, he caught a car that had been knocked to the side, and set it down with a grunt of effort. Normally he didn’t have that much trouble lifting one, so that was probably a troubling sign. Still, he swung after the large man. 

“Didn’t I put you away like last week? Where are they even sending you, juvie?” He complained as he dodged a few punches from the overzealous russian. 

“No cage can hold the Rhino!” He called out in return, making Peter sigh. 

“Apparently.” He muttered as he launched himself towards him, slamming his fist into Rhino’s chest with enough force to send him toppling backwards. His hand was sore now, but he really wanted to end this quickly and he knew Rhino was tough enough for him to be a little less gentle. 

The Rhino got back up and threw a car at him. Peter managed to catch it, but it left him in an awkward position as the Rhino charged through it, sending him flying into the wall of a nearby hotel. He gasped in pain, and barely had the reflexes to shoot his hands out and catch Rhino’s horn before it impaled him into the building. Slamming a kick into the Rhino’s jaw, he dazed him enough to push off of him and get some distance between them.

“I think I’m sending you to the zoo next. I hear they love to take in hopeless cases.” Some part of Peter wondered if he qualified for that.

“The only place I will be going is to your funeral, Spider-man!” Alexios roared out as he charged forward. 

Peter just managed to dodge to the side and hook a web onto one of his legs, pulling it into the other one as the man fell over. 

“Aw, you’d attend my funeral? You do care!” He praised as he launched himself up, before twipping two webs on either side of the Rhino and pulled himself down, slamming his knee into the back of the Rhino’s head with enough force to finally knock the man out. 

Before long the familiar sirens showed up as the police must have realized it was safe for them to come detain him to pass him off to the proper authorities for enhanced individuals. Peter loitered for just a minute to make sure the Rhino didn’t get back up.

“Hello Animal Control. I’m afraid this guy is a little jumpy.” He offered with a wave, still standing on the Rhino’s back.

“Spider-man! You’re under arrest for property destruction and inciting violence.” They said as they raised their guns at him.

Peter’s hand dropped to his side. “Really?” He said in a flat tone. He just took down the criminal they couldn’t keep behind bars for a month, and they’re trying to arrest him. 

With a sigh, Peter quickly hopped to the side in a flip, landing on the wall before launching off and dodging a few rubber bullets that had been shot his way. At least they weren’t trying to kill him this time. He quickly swung off into the distance, until the sirens were far out of earshot as he landed on a roof, leaning against the wall. He held his side, wincing as he could tell a few of his ribs were definitely bruised after the entire fight. Great. Just what he needed when studying. 

Asking Karen for the time, he saw a couple hours had passed. With a sigh, he made a few more laps as he headed back to his apartment, climbing in and stepping out of his suit. 

He made his way over to the bathroom, wincing as he saw his entire side was pretty much one giant bruise. Treating the basic cuts he could and doing other basic first aid, he slumped his way over to the table. His entire body ached, and he wanted to just curl up and sleep but he still had an essay to finish and two tests to study for. Sleep was just one of the many luxuries (and necessities) he couldn’t afford at the moment.

Opening another energy drink, he chugged it quickly and tried to power through some more work. If he could at least finish the essay he might be able to BS his way through the tests. So he started writing. He was pretty sure there were more spelling mistakes than were reasonable for a college student. But he kinda sorta had an outline. At least something he could work from. 

Leaning back in his chair, he immediately winced and regretted his decision and he leaned forward again. Stretching wasn’t a good idea with his bruises. He also noticed his bruises were barely healing, which was worrying. But something he’d just have to deal with next week. If it didn’t heal by Monday he could deal with some strange looks for showing up bruised, it wouldn’t be the first time.

His phone buzzed and he saw a message from MJ.

<em>Saw the alert. You okay?</em>

Peter sighed. MJ stayed very up to date on any spidey news, so she pretty much knew every time he was out patrolling cause at least someone would report it on a fan site. Or the news if that battle was big enough like the Rhino.

<em>I’m fine. Nothing broken this time. Promise.</em> Which was true. 

<em>You better not be lying. Wanna read my article? Are you caught up on midterms?</em>

Peter glanced over at the laptop with the barebones of an outline on it, and the two textbooks only halfway read on the table. 

<em>Yeah, doing surprisingly well. I can use a break. Send it over.

Thanks, Tiger.</em>

Peter grinned down at the screen, and opened up his email, waiting for the notification. A moment later it popped up. 

<em>Here’s the essay. Lemme know your thoughts. Make sure you drink water tonight, and go shower. I know you’re lazy about it after patrol.</em>

Peter rolled his eyes, but listened to her. He quickly hopped in the shower and changed into his last clean set of clothes before he got some water to sip along with his energy drink as he started reading her article. 

Peter loved MJ’s writing. She was clear, concise, and he could practically hear her personality in the words. No matter what the subject was, he found himself enamored with reading what she wrote. She treated the reader with respect, and always offered a fair balancing of views on the issue, while not being afraid to make assertions that might make her a little less than popular at times. 

Still, she was trusting him to offer proper feedback so he did his best to put aside his feelings for the author and focus on what he was reading. He noticed a few instances of some premises she presented as true without supporting them that he drew attention to, a few grammar mistakes, and one part that felt so clunky he had to read it a few times and he was still a little unsure just what she was saying. 

Peter knew she’d rather he was honest and straight forward, while still polite about any potential issues in her article than hold back on his critique in order to be nice. She’d actually be pissed at him if he held back, so he stayed honest. 

Sending the article back to her after double checking his own work, he leans back and looks at the clock on his wall. 2 am. He frowned slightly, but pulled over his text book. He was tired of writing for the moment so he started to read, doing his best to stay focused despite his creeping exhaustion. He normally likes to nap after a patrol but he had too much work to do.

A couple of minutes later when he was about half way through his third energy drink, he got a notification from MJ. 

<em>Thanks Tiger, you’re the best. You actually made good points, I’m impressed. Need me to check over your essay?</em>

Peter frowned, looking at the outline he hadn’t touched in a couple of hours and still had no desire to work on. 

<em>It still needs some work before I can show it to anyone. I’m good, thanks though. Love you.</em>

<em>Love you too. Get some sleep, okay? I know the Rhino is annoying and I saw you get hit with that car. I can help you study tomorrow so get some sleep.</em>

Peter smiled at her concern. He swore she knew him almost better than he did, as she was determined to keep him alive and she decided that meant knowing what kind of threats he would find himself up against. 

<em>You still have studying to do too, don’t worry. I’ll be fine.</em> He replied as he glanced around his apartment. It was a mess, and he knew she’d yell at him if she saw the state he was living in lately. He wanted to live better than this but he was just <em>so tired</em>.

She didn’t respond, so he figured she had fallen asleep like a normal human would.

With a sigh, Peter downed the rest of the energy drink and splashed some water on his face. He had to get through this. He pointedly ignored the bruise that was looking worse and worse as he moved his textbook and notes to the couch to be a little more comfy than the old wooden chair at his table and laid down to read it, turning on the TV on low for some noise to distract him. He just had to keep working, he could do this.

Cracking open his fourth energy drink, he set it on the table and set to work. 

By the time his phone showed four, his eyes felt incredibly heavy. Even the energy drink he had just finished seemed to have been doing nothing more to his system. Leaning his head back against the pillow, he let out a sigh. “Fuck.” he mumbled to himself. He still had another day of cramming to get through. 

He managed to force another hour of studying out of him, enough to finish off the first book before he gave up. Setting about 12 alarms, he set them for 8 am, figuring three hours would be enough to kickstart his system into functioning again to get through tomorrow. 

He laid his head back against the pillow and within seconds he was out cold.

Peter woke up to about the fifth alarm on his phone as he groaned and reached for it, his textbook sliding off his lap as he managed to find the phone and shut off all the alarms. Somehow he almost felt worse than when he went to bed.

Forcing himself to his feet, he only staggered a few steps before he had managed to regain his balance. He felt like death and he stumbled over to his bathroom. Brushing his teeth, he winced as he saw the side of his neck still showed a heavy bruise. It barely looked more healed than it would for a normal person. That was… really not good. A part of him considered going over to the Avenger’s tower to get it looked at. But he couldn’t… he had midterms.

Stumbling back over to the kitchen table he sighed and dragged his other text book over to him. He had to keep studying. His body would be fine, surely. He went to reach for another energy drink, but his stomach churned and he hesitated, before grabbing the water. For some reason just thought of more of the caffeine made him feel like he needed to go throw up. 

He had only managed to get about an hour of studying in before his stomach was desperately screeching at him to get some food into him. Sighing, he gave into it and wandered over to his kitchen. Opening his fridge he saw… condiments. Some pickles, and a barely not empty jug of milk.

He felt his heart sink at it. God, why was he just a fucking mess? Slamming the door shut, he tried to keep his breathing even as he started rummaging through his mostly empty cabinets. He paused when he saw a bag of pancake mix. Right. He had made pancakes with MJ one night as a night in. Grabbing the mix, he looked around only to see all his bowls were dirty. Biting his lip, he just shoved all the dirty plates into one sink and piled the rest up next to it, before he washed a bowl and a pan, and a spatula in the sink, breathing a bit heavier. 

A few minutes later he was finishing up the first pancake but the pile of dishes next to him just kept tearing into his heart. 

<em>Worthless.

A joke.

A disappointment.

A mess.</em>

Peter realized he didn’t have a plate to pour it onto. “FUCK!” He shouted, far too loud for the time in the morning it was as he quickly half cleaned a plate, drying it off with shaky hands as he moved to the pan. 

Now grabbing the slightly burnt pancake, his hands were shaking too much as he used the spatula but it tipped off the edge of the plate and fell onto the floor. 

He watched it slow motion but he couldn’t bring himself to catch it with his reflexes. He was just <em>so tired</em>. 

It landed unceremoniously on the dirty ground. Something in Peter broke. 

“GODDAMMIT!” He shouted as he threw the pan with enough force that it broke one the cabinets on the opposite end of the kitchen and he just dropped the spatula and slid to the ground. 

He curled his fists in his hair and just fell apart. He couldn’t stop the tears as he held his head. What the fuck was he doing with his life? He was just so damn tired. He was falling behind in all of his classes. His apartment was an embarrassment. He was broke. He had an amazing girlfriend he just kept disappointing. He needed to turn off the fucking stove and he couldn’t summon the strength to stand up.

He just clenched his head tighter, head between his knees as he did his best not to scream and get in even more trouble with his neighbors. 

He heard the sound of someone approaching his door. He wanted to stand up. To hide his mess. To do anything but he just continued to sob on the ground, everything falling apart.

There was a knock on the door. 

“Peter?” MJ’s voice called out. 

His stomach dropped. No. She can’t see him like this. He tried to stand up, but his legs weren’t responding. Everything was so bright, and everything was starting to get <em>so loud</em> He tried to speak but couldn’t find the words. He heard her knock a few more times, as well as the muffled voices of people in the hallway saying something he couldn’t make out in his state.

“Peter!” MJ’s voice was more frantic this time as he heard the door unlocking. Fuck. He forgot she had a spare key. 

She rushed in the apartment, looking around. He heard her gasp as she saw the broken cabinet. “Peter?” Her voice was more frantic as she turned and saw him on the ground. He tried to stand up again but his entire body was shaking and he couldn’t stop the fucking tears. 

“MJ…”

In a flash she was at his side, looking him over for any signs of injuries. He saw her eyes flutter around the apartment, taking the state of it in before they settled back on him as he buried his head into his knees again. 

“Peter…” Her voice was barely a whisper.

He couldn’t take it. He didn’t want anyone to see him this low. Especially not MJ. She was going to leave him. She <em>should</em>.

“Are you okay?” Her voice was gentle again.

Shakily he looked up to her, deep into her eyes. The truth rushed out of him, desperately clawing its way from deep inside. 

“No.”

[sinninginpurple2-0]

Rite of Passage - Chapter 10

This was completely and utterly inspired by an ask sent to @clairelutra and her response to said ask. All credit for the basic idea goes to her.

Buy Me A Coffee?

AO3 <<Chapter 1  <Chapter 9   Chapter 10   Chapter 11> 

Confessions

“You’re staring at me, aren’t you?” Marinette asked, eyes still closed as she regained her senses completely.

Adrien grinned mischievously and moved to lie down next to her again, propping his head up on his arm as he did so. “How could I not stare at you when you look the way you do?” he asked, snickering a little when she opened one eye to peek at him, “Half naked and sweaty and delicious? Good, was it?”

“Oh God, you’re about to be unbearable right now, aren’t you?” she asked with a sigh, “You look so pleased with yourself. Like the cat who got the cream.”

Well…That pun was enough to uncomfortably stoke his imagination. His eyes trailed down her partially naked body to the juncture of her legs, slick with her own moisture. He licked his lips.

Noticing his gaze, Marinette rolled over onto her side to face him, propping herself up in the same way as him. He turned back to face her as she tilted her head and furrowed her eyebrows inquisitively.

“What?” she asked, “What is it?”

He gulped. Did he really want to tell her this? It was sort of embarrassing, but they had never lied to one another before – not except to protect their identities – and he didn’t want to start now over something as stupid as sex. He took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. Then he spoke as honestly as he could, in spite of the way his shoulders crawled upwards to try and hide his flaming ears.

“I want to go down on you. Like, I really want to. You have no idea how hard I am thinking about it.”

He watched as Marinette’s eyes widened before she averted her gaze in embarrassment. There was no noticeable blush this time, but her skin was already a permanent rosy colour, so perhaps she had simply reached her capacity.

“Really?” she asked, her nose wrinkling a little as she glanced back at him, “‘Cause I’m not too crazy about doing the same for you.” She suddenly looked horrified for a moment as the words her mouth had spoken without her brain’s input reached her ears. “Not that I wouldn’t!” she squeaked, desperate to reassure him, “You’d like it and I’ve never done it before, so who knows how I’d feel after trying it? But I can’t help thinking it’s a bit icky and-”

He leaned forward quickly without warning and kissed her deeply, quieting her ramble before it picked up too much speed. “You don’t have to,” he told her, “I mean, I’d like you to, but there’s no pressure. Maybe we could try that later? Or another time?”

Shit, he thought, biting his lip, eyebrows pulling together in sudden uncertainty.

“That is…if you wanted to do this again sometime?”

Marinette stared at him for a moment and Adrien began to worry that he had ruined everything. Why could he never be satisfied with what he was offered? Here he had been given this wonderful opportunity. The chance to show his Lady his love for her without the need for words. To let his adoration bleed through his physical touches and sensual kisses. Every neuron firing, carrying the message to his nervous system to paint his feelings across her skin and pray his worship was absorbed into her very being. And he might have killed that opportunity by daring to ask for more.

Marinette didn’t seem to be as oblivious to his inner turmoil as he had once been to her feelings for him, her hand reaching up to stroke through his bangs hanging down towards her before resting on his cheek tenderly. She caressed his skin with her thumb gently, a concerned look appearing in her expression. “You’re worried this is a one-time thing,” she said.

He dropped his eyes from her face to her collarbone, chewing his lip more harshly as an outlet for his dejection. He started when her thumb suddenly teased free the abused tissue from his teeth, glancing back up to her face to see the softest smile looking back at him.

“Adrien,” she started, “Chat. After today, I would be ecstatic to do this again. Maybe we could also…” her eyes darted away for a moment before returning to his face. He watched as she took a deep breath, a look of determination taking over her face as she continued. “Maybe we could get dinner? Then go to the cinema or something?”

Adrien’s self-imposed misery swiftly slipped away from him. Like ink floating through the liquid sweetness of her words, he felt it swept away by the current of her equal desire for more. Overcome by exhilaration, he pressed his lips to her own with alarming pressure, desperately trying to push all of his joy and devotion into the kiss. She responded with equal intensity as soon as her surprise at the sudden action wore off.

“I would love to go on a date with you. On one condition.”

“What?”

“We go on lots of them. And you let me pay. And I get to spoil you with lots of gifts and we cuddle in front of the TV sometimes instead of going out.”

“That’s more than one condition.”

“So, sue me, Maribug. Will you be my girlfriend?”

She smiled in a way that warmed his heart so thoroughly, he was sure he would never be cold again. In fact, he was sure to radiate that warmth now so that all places he travelled to would remain safe from inclement weather.

“Of course, I will, Chaton,” she replied, her hand cupping his cheek as she leaned forward to drop another chaste kiss to his lips. Her hand slid down his face to his shoulder, continuing to his chest where she applied the faintest pressure, nothing more than a hint of what she wanted from him.

He obliged by rolling back to lie against the mattress as she continued to smother his lips with unconcealed affection.

She pulled back slightly, and his eyes opened -still half lidded- to see the only girl he’d ever felt this strongly for, his Lady, his Marinette, hovering above him. She was watching his face closely and a strong wave of emotion was evident between them.

“I love you,” she said in a thick voice, “I love you so much.”

She loved him? He knew from what she’d already admitted to that she liked him, was definitely attracted to him and had been so for quite a long time if the way she talked was anything to go by. But for her to be in love with him? It was something he hadn’t yet considered.

His eyes felt hot and he pulled her down to him and buried his head in her shoulder to hide his face until he could control his urge to cry. “My Lady,” he sobbed, “I love you too. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“Kitty, are you alright?” she asked, the concern in her voice evident as well as the soothing hand rubbing at his scalp.

“Yeah,” he sniffed, “I just…I’ve waited for you to say that for so long and part of me thought it might never happen so I’m…I’m-”

“Shh. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” she told him tenderly, shifting slightly to hold him more comfortably.

As emotional as he was, the crinkling noise caused by her movement evoked the curious cat in him and he experimentally brushed his own chest against hers a little to confirm. Yup, there was that strange plastic sound again. He pulled back from her shoulder to glance down at the origin of the noise and spotted it at once.

There, tucked tightly inside the small pocket on the front of her pyjama top was a square plastic packet. He recognised what it was at once and the beginning of a small smirk appeared on his face.

“Was this all an excuse to look down my top?” Marinette asked with a giggle, incorrectly guessing at the direction of his stare.

He looked back up at her for a moment before the grin intensified. “It wasn’t, but since you mention it, it’d be rude not to.”

She sat up before he could glance down again, and he laughed at her feigned disapproval despite himself.

“You know,” she started, drawing his attention with the way her arms crossed over each other to grab hold of the hem of her top, “if you wanted a look, you only had to ask.”

She pulled the garment over her head with a minor flourish before she attempted to throw it to the side of the bed with the growing pile of clothes they’d shed already. She would have been successful if Adrien hadn’t shot out his arm to grab the soft fabric before it could get out of his easy reach.

“Nice,” he said, turning back and really it was nice. Marinette had forgone her bra as well as her underwear when she had changed, so now she sat completely bare before him. Aside from the obvious exhilaration of finally getting an eyeful of her boobs, Adrien found he was completely awed at every inch of skin revealed to him. Hers was almost flawless and he was sure that most models he’d worked with in the past would kill for skin as soft and beautiful as hers.

He reached out for the only visible line he could see, a thin white scar -obviously a very old, healed one. It was offset from her right breast ever so slightly and led out towards her breastbone and he traced it in reverse with his thumb, stopping just short of his destination in order to glance up at her face for approval. She looked nervous again which confused him for a moment until she spoke.

“I fell off my bike as a kid and there was a stone in the road which cut me,” she explained, though he hadn’t asked, “I know it’s kind of ugly, but-”

“It’s not,” he told her, “There isn’t a single part of you that’s ugly and you don’t have to hide it from me. You know that right?”

When she didn’t respond he pushed himself up to place a kiss to the edge of her scar, delighting in the gasp she made at the contact. Again, he glanced up at her face.

“More?”

“More.”

He acquiesced, gently running his tongue along the fine line by feel alone and continuing further along her breast until he reached her nipple. He closed his mouth over it and sucked, encouraged by her breathy sighs. His other hand came up to reach for the other breast dropping the top he had still been holding to the bed beside him as he did.

He spent some time moving between breasts, experimenting as he was unsure what else to do due to his inexperience. He left trails of kisses, sucked and licked. He tried a light nip to her nipple at one point and immediately worked out never to do that again, as Marinette gave a hiss of discomfort and pulled away a little. He eventually fell into a rhythm of using the tip of his tongue to leave little secret messages across her, tattooing his feelings for her into her skin with words of affection.

She giggled after a while and he pulled back to look at her for clarification.

“Are you doing the alphabet trick?” she asked with a grin, “I thought that was for other places?”

“What? I-I wasn’t-I was just-” he began to splutter nonsensically, and she gave a snicker at his embarrassment, “I was writing that I love you, if you must know.”

“Aww, Kitty. That’s so sweet.”

The barely restrained laughter made it hard to believe her.

Adrien decided that if his Lady was enjoying teasing him, then maybe it was time for a little payback. Leaning in to touch his forehead against hers, he reached out with one hand to fish the little packet from the pocket on her top whilst the other one reached to cup her between the legs distractingly.

“I could always write those little love notes somewhere else for you, if you wanted,” he purred, enjoying immensely the immediate effect he had on her as she whimpered in response.

His other hand successfully extracted its prize and he brought it up to their faces to present between two fingers for her examination.

“Though I also kind of want to know where you got this condom from.”

Buy Me A Coffee?

[gon-and-killuas-mother]

so apparently my dad might've indirectly accepted my trans-ness without me realizing in the most dad way possible, i.e. a plastic cup of bourbon

this was one of the Notable Things that happened over the Boston Trip Weekend, just shortly before my aunt's wedding began, and when i told my therapist about it today she pointed something out that kinda tipped my perspective around

so, brief backstory, my father (a conservative christian republican) and i have had some difficulties (once confronted him on his toxic behavior, was dismissed and shrugged off, and i ceased contact with him for several years). he also never really agreed with the concept of the gender spectrum, and i've spent much of my teenage and adult life concealing that part of myself from him

fast forward to this past week, and apparently everyone already knew about my being trans. dad never brought it up (he's the sort to wait for me to initiate that type of personal conversation, which i respect) but i have apparently been a topic of conversation throughout the whole goddamn family, and he would be no exception

so, less than an hour before the wedding began, dad pulled me aside and showed me an expensive bottle of bourbon. he said, "this is an old tradition i was supposed to have done already" and explained that in his family, the father, when his kid is of age, is supposed to introduce them to alcohol with a glass of what he considered the best bourbon. kind of a Rite of Passage, since alcohol correlates with adulthood.

i have never heard of this tradition before, but then, i hadn't been on speaking terms with him when i turned 21. its entirely possible that he was pulling horse shit out of his ass, but this was the first time i'd had a one-on-one with him in years and i felt the weight of the moment.

so he poured some bourbon in a plastic cup and handed it to me, and i sipped it, as my IBS wouldn't allow to drink the whole thing.

the moment passed and i had too many other things to worry about to bother thinking about it.

until i told my therapist about it.

she got really interested. she knows how conflicted i am about him, and how the men in my family struggle with emotional connection. i'd literally just shown her my disorganized family tree, noting that my aunt would be the only person in the whole family to have been married only once. my father married and divorced twice, and has since been unable to form a lasting relationship because of this emotional disconnect.

she then asked, "did your father do this rite of passage with your sister?"

i answered, "i don't know, but i kinda doubt it." (my sister struggled with alcoholism and i wasn't close enough with her and dad at the time to know for sure)

my therapist said, "this sounds like something that could be a father/son tradition. if he didn't do this with your sister, but he did with you... is it possible this is his way of accepting your identity?"

i was fucking floored. i really thought it was just him being weird, bc dad's a goofball that i had thought, at some point, was incapable of taking anything seriously.

she continued, "and even if this tradition wasn't necessarily gendered... it sounds like by including you in a family tradition he was, without saying it, reaffirming your place in his family. Your family."

y'all. i've spent the past six or so years resenting my father for the bullshit he's pulled. i have not forgiven him, nor do i expect to have the same relationship with him i did growing up.

but i know him, and i know how he tries to connect with people. with me it was always nerd shit, like space and lord of the rings and whatnot. that cup of bourbon, i think, was his nondescript way of acknowledging who i am.

i still haven't "come out" to him directly, for fear of not his rejection but his dismissal. but. i guess one cup of bourbon is a start.

[blackpercy]

hi! i hope i'm not disturbing you. i don't mean this as a 'request' in anyway but can you please talk a little about charles beckendorf? you always have really fun thoughts about the characters, and i really want to hear anything you have to say about him (thoughts, headcanons?). sorry... and thank you! please have a nice day!

I’m pretty high rn so I am sorry if this is bad!!

Charles “Charlie” Beckendorf is from Detroit. And not no suburbs shit. West side!!! 

His family are prominent NOI members even though he reverts to Sunni Muslim when he gets a bit older. 

He was a terribly quiet kid, and honestly isn’t the most talkative person. But he is always down to sit down and have a deep conversation. 

He came to camp when he was 11. 

He is extremely smart. 

He became defacto camp leader after Luke fucks off and the first thing he does is read a bunch books on leadership so he is always saying shit like “reach your full potential” and “everything you need is inside of you”. 

He is really bad at archery and NO he will not work on it.

 All the queer kids come out to him for some reason. He’s obviously chill with it but like it becomes a rite of passage to come out to Charlie lol. Connor starts it bc he is nervous to come to Travis (who knows he has always known he was the one stealing lipstick for his brother okay he knew).

Charlie was always fixing the broken shit in the cabins and he loved it. He really likes the practical magic shit as well. Leo is all about making things cool, Charlie is like hmm how can I make this functional. 

He and Silena were in love okay. Like at first they didn’t want to get together because they were like ofc you guys want the two Muslims to get together but then Silena sees how fucking helpful Charlie is and she wants to be like that. And Charlie sees how Silena can be friends with anyone and he wants to be like that. So they sort of hang out more together and learn things about themselves and its all very cute okay. 

And Silena is imo polyamorous and Charlie and Clarisse were also pretty close bc they both love their girlfriend.  

hmm i don’t have much else but i love him okay!!

[waterrunstogether]

Rites of Passage in the Fifth World

I’ve been thinking lately about the absence of real rites of passage in modern “western culture”. A rite of passage is a sort of ritualized event (that may or may not be endorsed/organized by a community) in which a person is believed to exit from one stage of life and enter the next, usually from childhood to adulthood. Other than the humiliation of high school proms/frat hazing, or getting your driver’s license, or turning 21 and getting shitfaced, my culture in the United States has little to offer in the way of true rites of passage. 

The result is a population of confused, somewhat disillusioned children driving around and going to work or university and pretending to be adults while hopelessly stuck in the liminal space between youth and adulthood.

~ 20 year old me pretending to know what’s going on ~

I have thought about quinceañeras and baptisms, religious rites of passage commonly practiced still, but considering the traumatic experience that my parents’ organized religion was for me, I don’t believe now that my baptism was a helpful event facilitating my transition into maturity. I think it was a blindingly painful event whose toxicity I needed to overcome in what I now believe was the true rite of passage. 

I first dropped acid when I was traveling in Bulgaria. My partner was in her hometown across the country and I was visiting Plovdiv with a friend. We had just finished traveling the world, or at least Eurasia, meeting new faces and trying new things and taking wild risks in Thailand and Turkey and India and Malaysia, to name a few. I had also just escaped the cult I was born and raised in which had hammered into me from birth that my sexual and romantic orientation was an abomination, as a woman I was to obey men, God loved me and wanted me to fear him (that is to say, love = fear), the leaders of the church were to be obeyed and respected all the time (even if they were obviously wrong) and so on and so forth. It was an insane transition between being trapped in these religious handcuffs and learning that I could break free all along. In fact, I carried so much self hatred and internalized homophobia with me into my supposed new life that I didn’t know what to do with myself. Despite being outwardly happier than I had ever been before with a wonderful partner and community who truly loved and supported me for who I was, inwardly I was constantly on the verge of a mental breakdown due to all of the conflicting thoughts and beliefs I was carrying and creating within myself.

The experience of that first trip was an interesting one. Every step of the way my body seemed to pull me towards the letting go of all of the toxicity that was so thick and had built up like plaque in the arteries of my energetic being--yet, I remained me throughout the trip, at the end feeling somewhat empowered but not yet finished with the transformation.

A few months later I took psilocybin, AKA magic mushrooms, with my little brother on a rainy Summer day in D.C. The whole come up of the trip was talking to trees and observing the movements of leaves, running my fingers over the moss growing on the exposed, knotty roots of tree in front of our house. But at the end of the trip, something changed. Once again my body requested, begged me, to let go of the still-prevalent toxicity inside of me. My health was in rough shape, mentally and physically, and my body knew the culprit. But once more I felt I couldn’t let go just yet, it would be too much for me, I wasn’t ready. So I spent the entire come down and then some, maybe four hours, weeping uncontrollably on the basement floor.

The second time I dropped acid was yesterday, with my partner, here in Berlin. It changed everything.

During the come up I was taken aback by how strong the effect it had on me was. My partner, bless her heart, had taken a larger dose than me, yet felt no effect the entire time. Her tolerance has always been naturally higher than mine for every kind of intoxicating substance, and LSD was no exception. 

As time went on I came to realize that her high tolerance was incredibly fortunate for me and my trip. The initial come up was amusing, as flashes of white light began to fill up my eyes, closed and open; but very quickly I began to get paranoid, strange little thoughts about being set up and targeted running through my mind as my sense of self slowly began to dissipate, just nonsense that the ego conjures up to protect itself. But my partner’s calming reassurances that she loved me and that I was safe effectively calmed me down.

Once I began to enjoy the ride up, holding a half of a pomegranate and appreciating its beauty, touching a slice of orange and loving how soft it felt in my hands, admiring the fractals of color creating all kinds of geometric shapes on the walls and snow outside the window, I became comfortable with my loss of identity. At some point I realized that I didn’t even know my name, and I didn’t care, because it was irrelevant. All that was relevant was experience. 

Imagine experiencing and interacting with the world around you without the barrier of the thing that we are so used to that it’s difficult to think of it as a barrier at all: your concept of self. Ideas about names and races and gender and desire and anger and malice and hatred just made absolutely no sense whatsoever. In this state, all that made sense was goodness and beauty and love. All that I understood was harmony and mutually beneficial behavior. My preconceived notions about who I was and what that meant were being shattered and shredded before my very eyes, exposed for what they were: nonsense.

Once I plateaued and began to slowly come down after about four or five hours I was able to contemplate what these things meant, what they would mean for me going forward. I went into the bathroom around hour 7 and decided that it was time to look into the mirror.

Many people will tell you not to look into the mirror during an acid trip, that it’ll give you the dreaded “bad trip” and you’ll have a shit time. I completely disagree. If you are like me and need to come to terms with yourself through the wonderful, horrific, beautiful, terrifying experience that is an “ego death”, I’m afraid that you’ll have no choice but to look into the mirror at some point. 

So, I stared myself down in the mirror and admitted what I couldn’t admit for so long, due to being taught that I was essentially evil since the day I was born. I’d called myself a sinner, wicked, worthless, ugly, an abomination and just about every other mean word in the evangelical dictionary. But as I stood there looking at my body in the mirror, egoless and impartial, I said, “You have done and thought some cruel things to yourself for some time now. But you know what? You are a kind person. You are a wonderful person. You treat people with respect and love, you treat everyone you’ve ever met with so much empathy, so much caring. You love the truth, you love to be generous, you love to be a good friend. You must begin to treat yourself the same way. I know you’ve had so much hatred in your heart contaminating your energy for so long, but that is enough. That is enough. No more. I am a kind person. I am a kind person. I love you. Remember that night so long ago? Beneath the stars, where they submerged you in the baptismal water and tried to destroy you, saying these sacred waters would wash all your sins away, along with your fragile, meaningless identity? Well, they simply added more to your ego, a darker side. You built up so much negativity for so long. Well, look at you now. Your identity, all of the ideas and concepts that you’ve built up around who you really are to protect you from the hurt of Life, it’s all gone. Now you’re going to baptize yourself again. You’ll be truly reborn, this time dedicated not to destroying yourself for the sake of a religion, but dedicated to renewing and becoming and becoming and becoming.” As I looking into the mirror my silhouette became filled in with the velvet black of the night sky, full of bright stars.

I turned on the water and was baptized once again, by my own hands.

When I returned to the room I felt happier than I had ever felt in my life, light as air, free. I told several people about how much I love them and described my love for them in detail, not as this thing that’s an extension of my own ego, but my love for them was a little bit of energy that I had the honor of holding in me, in this body, and sharing between us for a time, for the wonderful events that we call our lives. I could actually see love. I understood that I was not all of the concepts I’ve built around myself, but an expression of energy in this space and time, connected to every other expression of energy in all of history, from the beginning and until the end. My matter, my body, was simply a vehicle for the energy, and would be recycled into new vehicles after I die. My energy would be transferred into new vehicles as well. That’s what we perceive as death: just a simple transfer of energy and recycling of matter. My ego would not live on, thankfully. My consciousness as conflated with ego would cease to exist with me. But the underlying animating force behind all things in the universe, the true source of consciousness, would never be destroyed or created, simply recycled again and again and again and again. Becoming and becoming and becoming and becoming.

The hilarious and bizarre world of reality is hilarious and bizarre. It’s so beautiful and mystical and wonderful and honestly, nothing I write here could ever explain how I experienced being alive in that sixteen hour trip. Words don’t convey it, words can’t convey it. Reality is visceral, experiential, impartial and impossible to quantify in something as crude as human language. 

All I know is that, today, I am a fundamentally changed person. I’d feared ego death for so long, feared that it would be too much, too painful. And it was so, so painful--but it was so worth it. I am happy and proud to exist, grateful for everything I have accomplished and can accomplish in this miraculous, tiny little vessel during this ephemeral event that is my life. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow if tomorrow exists, and unleash all of my love on everyone who’ll have it. Love is the energy that unites us with our own bodies and the entire world around us. How lucky and strange it is to be anything at all.

May you have a peaceful day. The universe smiles upon you.

[anywhozits]

All I Really Want Chapter 5

Rating: M

Pairing: Kristanna (eventually)

Verse: 90s High School AU / frozen retelling

Chapter Summary: Anna gets ready for prom.

Notes: Sorry it’s taken so long for me to update but hopefully this will be worth the wait!

Read on Ao3

Anna sat at her white wooden vanity, staring intently at her reflection, trying for the millionth time that night to pin the last pieces of her hair into flawless wispies for her tight yet messy bun.

Her lips were pursed in ultimate concentration. She needed to look perfect—tonight was her first prom. As a freshman. It felt like such a huge deal—a high school rite of passage that she had the great fortune of experiencing a couple of years early.

Plus… she was going with Hans, of course. She wanted to impress him. She still yearned for that relationship label.

“Anna?”

She visibly jolted when she heard her father’s voice call her name.

“Phone’s for you,” he yelled through the closed door, noticeably avoiding even laying eyes on his daughter. “Elsa.”

Anna’s heart just about stopped.

Elsa. Elsa? Elsa!

She immediately hopped up from the chair and raced over to the end table where her super rad see-through neon phone sat.

Somehow after literally months, Elsa had called while Anna was actually home and not at some stupid track meet or anything else dumb, which meant they could finally talk to each other, and oh god, it was way too much for her to handle.

She took one long, deep breath to compose herself and picked up the phone, squealing internally, pumping her arms up and down and up and down in excitement. “Elsa?! Ohmygod hiii!”

“Hi, Anna.”

“Wow, I—It’s so good to talk to you! Oh my God.” She let out a long, excited breath. “I don’t even—I have no idea where to start,” Anna said, speaking a mile a minute.

“Well, how about I start?” It sounded like Elsa was smiling. “I want to tell you something.”

“Yeah?”

“I committed to college. Well—a couple weeks ago now. But… I’ve been wrapped up in other stuff, and…”

Her voice trailed off, and Anna sighed, wishing that Elsa had called her those couple weeks ago. “So, where? Harvard? Yale?” She couldn’t hide the frustration and disappointment in her voice.

“Pomona.”

Pomona? As in—the Pomona College that was only a 45-minute drive away?

Anna had to do a double take. “Wait, what?”

“Yeah… I decided I wanted to be closer to you… for once.”

Her jaw dropped to the floor, and that was no exaggeration. “Really?”

“Yes. Really. I’ve missed you,” Elsa said. “And… the stress was really getting to me. I think—I just really needed a change of pace. A smaller school, too. Less pressure, maybe. But that’s—I really, really wanted to be closer to you, Anna.”

Anna’s eyes started to well with tears. She wanted this for so long. Ever since Elsa left for boarding school… “Oh my God. You’re being serious? Seriously?”

“I mean it. 100%. Deposit’s in and everything.”

Now Anna let out a loud squeal. “I’m so happy!”

“Me, too.”

“I love you, Els. I can’t wait to visit you and hang out with you and, like—I don’t even know! I’m just so, so, so excited!”

1997 was their year.

“I can’t wait either,” Elsa said, and Anna could practically hear her smiling. “So, how are you? What are you up to?”

“Well…I’m going to prom tonight.”

“Prom? Isn’t that only for juniors and seniors?”

“I’m going with a junior.”

“Oh,” Elsa said. “Who?”

“His name is Hans. He’s, um…he’s great!” Anna chewed on her bottom lip, not knowing how to describe Hans’s relation to her… “And he’s my, um—”

“Your boyfriend? You have a boyfriend?”

“Yep. Mmhmm.” Boyfriend. Totally, totally boyfriend.

“Oh. Wow.” Elsa’s voice radiated pure shock. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you use that word! Is it serious?”

“I mean, yeah. But you’re talking—serious how? Like physical serious or like we love each other serious because, well both, I guess?”

“Both…wait—physical? You’re having sex?”

Anna laughed nervously. “Oh—no. Not yet. I really—I thought you’d be proud, because. Um. You know, I actually called you about this, not that you’d remember, because it was, like, a while ago and it was just some dumb thing, whatever. Um, but. Yeah. I thought—because when he first asked me if I wanted to, I said no. I told him I wanted to wait until my birthday, since fifteen seems like a solid age to—do that.”

“Oh, Anna…” Elsa started to sound more and more like a mother. She got like this sometimes. Not patronizing, exactly, but… maternal. And honestly, Anna sort of liked it. She appreciated the comfort that came with knowing she had someone looking out for her. “I am proud that you decided not to act on your impulses if you didn’t think you were ready.”

Anna knew where this was going. “…but?”

Elsa laughed. “But… if you are ready, then a silly thing like your age or your birthdate shouldn’t mean anything.”

“You think?”

“Sure. And don’t get me wrong—fourteen is young. But it’s not too young if you’re ready. And as long as you’re safe.”

“Oh yeah—safe. I’ve got the number 911 memorized, so, we’re good there.”

“Anna…”

“Kidding, kidding!” They both laughed. “No, seriously. I think we’re solid.”

“What does that mean?”

“You know. Like, we’re solid. Fine. Whatever.”

“Because you’re on the pill or because somebody bought condoms or what?”

“Exactly.”

“Okay…well, call me if you need anything.” Elsa said, and Anna couldn’t help but smile slightly. Because that felt like a promise. That Elsa would answer the phone if she called. But then Elsa pivoted, “I’m sorry, I just…this Hans guy—he’s a junior?

“Yep.”

“That’s—it’s really hard for me to believe a junior’s dating a freshman for any… not sleazy reasons.”

“Um—not sleazy? He loves me! He told me he loved me the first night he met me. That’s serious.”

“I’m sorry. Wait. You—the first night you met?”

Anna shrugged. “Yeah. We were at this party at Ashley and Bebe’s. It was like, you know—classic party, whatever. But get this—I bumped into him and my vodka cranberry spilled, like, all over my shirt,” she explained, giggling. “And then we hung out for the rest of the night and we were staring at the stars and sitting on the trampoline and hanging out in the hot tub and he was just like, this is crazy, but I love you!”

“That is crazy.”

“No! It’s not crazy. Seriously—not crazy at all, not even a little bit. I mean—I loved him too! That night. I swear. I said it back and everything. Like, we both loved each other. We both love each other. Present tense. It’s not… crazy. No, no, no, no. I… must’ve explained it wrong or something! Here, let me…” Anna was floundering. She wanted Elsa to be proud of her. But now her mind raced thinking maybe she fucked up this phone call. Elsa would withdraw from Pomona and choose Harvard… Elsa would finally give up on her stupid and naïve sister once and for all.

But before Anna could open her mouth and take it all back, Elsa had something else to say.

“You’re telling me this guy’s a junior dating you, a freshman, and he randomly bumps into you at a party and says he loves you that night?”

Shit, Elsa was sounding just like Kristoff, and all Anna could do was roll her eyes. She couldn’t take it back.

“Yes. I said that already.”

“That’s just… that’s really weird.”

“No, it’s not.”

“He’s so—you know what? Nevermind. This isn’t why I called. We don’t need to get into this right now.” Oh, snap was that some kind of a miracle. So hopefully Pomona was still on the table. “I—um. What are you wearing? For prom?”

Anna looked down at her outfit, somehow having forgotten the whole prom thing. “It’s this teal dress with spaghetti straps, and it’s like a v-neck kinda thing, with a big slit coming up the side. Hans and I went shopping together and he said it made me look the hottest. So I had to wear it. There was another one I kinda liked maybe a little bit more, but… he really loved this one.” She didn’t quite want to tell Elsa that it had almost everything to do with the fact that this dress, the one she had on right now, allowed her to show much more skin than the other one. And Hans said explicitly that he intended to show her off to the rest of the junior and senior classes.

“Why did he even have an opinion? It’s your dress.”

“Oh, I don’t know. He just liked it is all.”

“But it should be you choosing the dress, not him. Who cares what he thinks?”

“I chose it! He had some input, sure, but I chose it.”

“This boyfriend of yours sounds like he’s trying to control you.” The way Elsa said boyfriend was now teetering on patronizing territory.

“He’s not. He loves me,” Anna said.

Silence. For a while. Neither Elsa nor Anna knew if they wanted to pick anymore battles. It was perfectly clear with this whole Hans situation there was very little common ground.

Elsa tried her hand at changing the subject slightly. “What does mom think of the dress?”

Anna scoffed. “How the hell would I know? You think she cares?” Her parents didn’t even know she was going to prom that night.

But if it were Elsa going to prom. That would be an entirely different story.

Anna imagined her mother going with Elsa to help pick out a dress, get a manicure, secure the best possible hair stylist to give Elsa the perfect updo. They’d spend the whole day together—primping and preparing. And then her father would join them afterwards, taking a million pictures of their prized, perfect, super-genius daughter.

“I’m sorry, Anna,” was all Elsa said. “I, um—I should go. But have fun at prom, okay? Be safe. Call me if you need me. Seriously, Anna—I mean it.” But she didn’t wait for Anna to reply before she hung up.

The in-your-face dial tone reminded Anna that no matter how close Elsa said she would move for college; their relationship was far from perfect.

But it was getting there; progress had been made.

Elsa was going to Pomona. Only a 45-minute driveaway. So close! The closest they’d been in the last six years.

Plus, Elsa had told Anna to call her. She’d never said something like that before. It didn’t matter the context. They’d made some strides. Yup. That was progress—real progress.

Anna felt herself floating as she finished her hair—parting and twisting each strand and then securing the rest into a stringy bun. She pulled on her white heels with some super cute feather poofs on top, and she took a deep breath.

Nothing could stop her now.

Elsa didn’t understand her relationship with Hans. She didn’t get it. Had Elsa ever even had a boyfriend? Why did she claim to be some kind of a love expert all of a sudden? She probably hadn’t even kissed anybody before.

Nope. Clearly Elsa was the naïve one here. Not somebody Anna should be taking any sort of relationship advice from. Elsa had no idea what the heck she was talking about.

One she met Hans… once they spent even a little bit of time together, Elsa would come to understand.

And Elsa would meet Hans. She would understand. Because she was moving back to California!

Anna was thrilled. Absolutely elated. This had to be the best day and, with prom, soon to be the best night of her life. The biggest milestone.

Huh. Milestone.

Maybe tonight was the night. Maybe… yeah, maybe.

And, besides. She was practically 15 anyway. Not that it mattered, even! Elsa said age was all a load of bologna as long as she felt ready.

So, that was that.

Ready.

After the final touches, Anna stood proudly in front of the mirror, admiring her handy work. She thought she looked great. She knew she looked great.

Prom was about to be like, super-duper legendary.

Next step—pictures with Hans and Ashley and their other friends on Balboa Island at some rando’s house.

Kai drove her as he always did, and in the backseat of the car, she clasped her hands around the plastic box that housed Hans’s white rose boutonniere.

Kai tried to make conversation about something or other as he drove, but Anna could think of nothing but the butterflies in her stomach because it was prom and the excitement of Elsa moving back and the nervous anticipation of maybe doing it with Hans tonight.

They pulled up to the house and the moment she saw all the people dressed to the nines in decked-out prom gear, she raced out of that car and into the crowd.

Anna noticed Kristoff first, standing awkwardly off to the side, holding gorgeous pink corsage.

“Kris!”

He snapped his head up from the ground and smiled as widely as she had ever seen him smile. “Anna.”

The second they hugged, Anna felt those butterflies again.

“You look really beautiful, Anna.”

She could feel heat rising to her cheeks. “Thanks. You’re super handsome.” And then his own cheeks burned.

He looked different with his hair in a less spiky state. Instead, it was slicked back with some kind of gel. And she frowned slightly when she noticed that not even a little line from one of his tattoos poked out. This didn’t seem like the Kristoff knew and um, loved (as a brother!). But even then, he looked wonderful. Still familiar. Still the person who made her feel most at ease.

Which was exactly why she had pressured Hans to pressure Ashley to invite him as her date.

She didn’t want to jump into that huge prom-sized milestone without her best friend by her side.

Eventually, after looking legit everywhere, she located Hans. God what a really, really hot not-boyfriend she had. Wow.

Anna didn’t say anything to Kristoff before dashing off, practically flinging herself into Hans’s arms.

“Hey, babe.”

“Hi, Hans! I have so much to tell you! Like, so much happened today and I’m so excited about that and now I’m at prom with you and you’re so hot and—”

“Later, okay? It’s picture time now, and we’re with my friends.”

Anna looked around and noticed that yes, his friends definitely surrounded them, but something struck her as odd about the rest of the guests. It was weird seeing almost her entire English class there, too.

She furrowed her eyebrows and looked back at Hans who had wasted no time bringing his hand to rest on the small of her back.

“Fuck, Anna, you look so smokin’ in this dress. I told everyone I’d have the hottest freshman date,” he smirked. “I think I won.”

Anna cocked her head, confused. “Won?”

“Me and the guys were just shooting the shit, talking about you, and some of the girls in your class. Thought it’d be fun to make it a little contest.”

“So that’s why you wanted me to wear this?”

He shrugged. “You look great. I wanted you to look great.”

Anna bit her lip. Was Elsa right?

“Come on, babe. It was some dumb thing me and the guys did. I shouldn’t’ve said anything. I love you, all right?” He cupped her chin and brought her lips to meet his own. “I’m lucky to be your prom date, even though it’s cheesy,” he added, winking.

He’d asked her to prom while they were alone at her beach house, after they’d ordered a cheese pizza: I know it’s cheesy, but will you go to prom with me?

Anna had squealed because she knew she was supposed to be excited and all, but it felt so lame. She wanted something big and memorable and in front of the whole school, so she got the luxury of the entire student body knowing that Hans Westergaard wanted her over everybody else. But instead…

Cheesy pizza while they were both super high and a teeny bit drunk in front of absolutely nobody. Honestly a bummer.

He kissed her again, clearly more romantically. More apologetic, too.

She accepted, deepening the kiss.

Stupid, Anna, stupid. Snap out of it. Now she was just being nitpicky. Too much in her head thanks to everything Elsa blabbered on about. But Elsa didn’t know Hans. Elsa didn’t know love. Elsa had no idea.

Hans loved her. Obviously. He said that five hundred times a day.

So, he loved her. And she loved him. And she was ready.

Hans rested his hand on her cheek and asked, “Your parents didn’t come for pictures?”

His question forced Anna to observe that almost every other person at this shindig had parents with obnoxiously clicking cameras. “No. They don’t even know it’s prom.”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. His parents both noticeably absent. “Mine got bored after the fourth or fifth one.”

Another nice thing—Hans understood. He wasn’t lonely, exactly. Not in the same way. He had a huge family, but he was still often neglected. Still technically alone.

And that gave her all the reassurance she needed.

In this sea of happy families and supportive parents, at least Anna and Hans had each other.

[softly-savage-mint-yoongi]

writerly contemplation tag!

I was tagged by darling @j-pping to do this deep af and reflective set of questions that she hand picked herself (<3). I love shit like this, thank you dear!!!

2020

what was the most challenging part of writing this year? Hm, for sure I’d have to say being consistent with updates. Not because I feel some immense pressure or get hate mail about it, but because I feel a little guilty and sad when I can’t update regularly for not only readers but myself because I love it. I also feel like half of the battle of writing more is when you’ve had this long stint of nothing so you have to go back and collect all of your work and reread your notes or even chapters to make sure you’re back in the right timeline/headspace to write the next part. I keep a notebook in my purse that is strictly for writing fanfiction (asdaslkdfsdfjgk), and it’s where I jot down like ideas for a scene or dialogue or how I want something to go. Character developments/important rites of passage or growth, etc. I go back and read up on my notes a lot and it can be exhausting when you’ve been away from writing for even just a month. what was the most enjoyable/rewarding part of writing this year? Without a doubt it was the journey of Allotrope. Y’all know why because I harp on it a lot. There’s something really grand and profound about writing a piece that not only speaks to readers but literally helps the creator grow over the length of time it was being written. Side note also all of the friends I made this year by writing! Y’all are literal angels and I love all of you. what piece has left the most impact on you and why? Hm... I think, again, Allotrope’s development from start to finish was really important for reasons mentioned above and in past posts. In all ways it was a heartbreaking story that makes you feel vulnerable and protected at the same time, forgotten by some characters and loved deeply by others. It feels real and relatable for readers. It’s also left me with the unexpected but appreciated realization that I am capable of writing something like that, and the pride that I did. What have you learned about yourself through the process of writing this year? I have definitely learned to love and accept myself a whole lot more, and a lot of that came through writing. Be it via my own struggles being written into my works, or my passion for art in all forms but especially drawing and writing, or the connections I’ve made with others (readers and content creators alike). The stories of personal struggles we’ve all shared and the close-knit community of support and acceptance and love is a breathtaking pillar of strength I had not expected to find in the kpop fanfic community, and yet, here we are, as one, especially in the EXO community. Through those connections, all of which were born of writing something, I got a lot more of myself back than I had originally thought was lost the year prior. I am very grateful. how has your writing changed in the past year? How have you grown? I used to be your typical smut writer and there’s nothing wrong with that because who doesn’t love a good down and dirty romp. I still enjoy writing those kinds of pieces, but more than anything I realized I absolutely THRIVE on emotional work. I want what I write to make people feel, and feel deeper than lust. I want then to feel everything between despair and elation on the emotional scale. Especially if readers are already feeling enough anxiousness and depression in their daily lives, that relatable connection to characters and being able to feel better by reading something and experiencing those emotions that heal along the way in a story with a good ending is really important to me as a writer. The comfort of it. I think that kind of awareness is how I’ve grown the most this year.

2021

ignoring your wips for a second, if you had all the time and energy in the world to write your magnum opus piece, what would it be about? Why is that the dream story you’d write, all other things controlled for? Hm, honestly? I think I did it this year with Allotrope. I had in no way, shape or form anticipated the knockout punch to becoming a moderately known writer in the EXO community with that piece. If I had to choose another one, I am a real weak bitch for fantasy and superhuman AUs. Magic or superpowers, either or. Ernest Cline is one of my favorite authors and I actually want to write a book someday about an alien race fleeing across the galaxies from some inevitable danger of another world-eating race and one day they come to earth in the form of some kind of like star shower. They’re tiny and fall to the earth like snow or rain or dust and the first one that lands on a humans skin fuses to it and awakens some sort of dormant power in a human (usually based on demographics or environments (could be stress, weather, things like that (examples: police officers stress-related being shot at, so they develop force fields or become bulletproof. Firefighters can walk through fire unscathed or manipulate it; kinds of abilities like that.)). So these tiny creatures inhabit a human host (a 1:1 ratio) and basically the humans accept it without going into detail and essentially the use of these powers or abilities helps the alien species survive the onslaught that eventually comes via the world-eating alien species. In very Ernest Cline style, a battle to save humanity and the Earth.

how do you want to grow in your writing this year? I’d really like to get better with my sentence structure. When I get in the zone and write, it just comes out plain and simple. Elegant and captivating writing has a variety of sentence structure, especially in dialogue, so I’d really like to get better with that this year. I want to be better about being cognizant of it instead of going back to restructure or reorganize sentences over and over, because that gets exhausting and can end up looking sloppy. For me- when I go back and read my own work that’s had parts edited in that way rather than a whole- I can pick up on it while reading and it annoys me, hahaha. what’s one thing you wish to see in the fan-writing community this year? I don’t have any particular wishes but I think it would be cool to see more fan art from pieces. That’s been hard to do though since December 17th, 2018, regardless of adult content or not. As Jae said, more authors coming into the community too would be nice. :) I think, especially for EXO, the fanfic writing community is pretty tight-knit because of one reason or another, and that’s fine, but the more the merrier! <3 name one new thing you want to try doing with your writing this year? Honestly? Nothing more than what I am doing currently. I want to finish the series for An Adventurer’s Guide to Romance, especially since there are only 5 left and one is 1/3 of the way written. I will get Heat Seekers started, cautiously because quite frankly it is not lighthearted in any way. Fluff in this story will be nonexistent or scant under a microscope at best. I suppose you could say that’s what I want to try that’s new this year- raw and painful just... brutal emotion with moderate angst. Or, probably write a piece for Stray Kids since I haven’t yet and they’re very, very quickly renting space in my head for free. --------

Tagging: @jenmyeons, @kyungseokie, @guardians-of-exo, @jiminbbyboy, @saebyeog-i or anyone else who wants to do this! I know Jae tagged most of you already so I won’t lol. Forgive me if I’ve missed anyone! <3