#am i irreparably fucked up
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nobody gets abed. i got him a little
#am i the stupidest person in the world#does everybody know something i dont#am i broken#am i irreparably fucked up#am i just a giant puzzle to everybody else that no one really cares to solve#like am i just not worth it#is that what it is#if anybody saw right into my mind would they care to stay?#im not an eldritch horror or an asshole i dont think but im weird!!!!!!!!#in a way that just seems to be. a lot of work.#a Lot of work#like i would love to take a break from masking or decoding facial expressions or tones or actual words#or like. the world of fucking stimulus#i cut myself!!!!!#that was great!#for like ten minutes#gonna wear a scrunchie on my wrist tomorrow and if someone sees i guess someone fucking sees#i doubt anyone at work cares enough let alone has any idea what to say#its fine!#i feel stupid#i feel crazy#i uh#if i could hit a button and be done with it all i would in a heartbeat that was true the first day of sixth grade and its been true basicaly#ever since
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honestly.
#seeing this shit in public was a CHALLENGE#i was IN PUBLIC#TOUCHING GRASS#AND YOU COME AT ME WITH THIS SHIT MR JO TOGAME??????#someone hold me back i can’t take it#ooOOoUuhHgH I cannot fucking TAKE IT RIGHT NOW#togame <3#<- affectionately. also angrily because what the fuck#WHY THE ROLLED UP SLEEVES MY GUY????#i am irreparable atm
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honestly bro I think the funniest thing Abt being autistic is that I can't tell when people are trying ta be friends with me it just like doesn't click. ppl will all of the sudden start talking ta me and I'll be like, "hm why is this person talking ta me so much all of the sudden do they want something I mean I guess I'll go along with it"
#like I am privy ta the fact that this happens but I can't recognize it in the moment#spacie spoinks#I make friends on accident djdjdjjdjdn#I think that talking 2 me is much like headbutting against a brick wall like it'll break eventually but it's gonna take awhile#and also your head will suffer irreparable damage#I'm soooo fucking dense dude 😭😭#also like. I can tell when ppl are nervous but I can't place why#so like when someone nervously comes up 2 me and starts fucking talking about the lore of garnarak or some shit#b/c they just wanna have a conversation#just like#this is really cool bro but I'm confused asta why you're telling me this#not malicious just genuine confusion#then like a month later I'll be like WAIT THEY WERE TRYING 2 BE MY FRIEND??? AND TALK TA.ME ON A SEMI REGULAR BASIS?? WHOOPSIE#well opportunity for a friend lost b/c I'm just so fucking dense 😭😭😭#can you tell this has happened a lot djdjdndndnndn#anyways. I should get out of bed
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really like how this panel came out but a chunk of it's gonna get covered up by the speech bubbles so I'm making a keepsake
#not art! yet!#cip#yes this is a riz piece. I think he Would be into vietnamese coffee#pretty cheap to get the tools for saves a lot of space AND you can squeeze so much caffeine out of any coffee#the amount of caffeine in this shit will rot your bones and irreparably fuck with your blood pressure (from experience. haha)#but maybe this can be MY power fantasy too. in my ideal world I can drink any amount of fucking coffee I want. gods. man#mm. I love drawing glass. am I good at it? fully debatable. but will I stop? never#also the soft knowledge that there's a glass box screwed to the underside of this table with a pack of cigarette in it#with IN CASE OF EMERGENCY lettered in red paint marker on top#it does not show up in this comic or anything else for that matter. but its important to me that you know that exists
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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Why did they create such a useless character to show Cinder's backstory when Salem is literally right there AND the real question the audience wants answered???
Imagine if it had been Salem who stayed at the hotel and saw something of herself in the scrappy servant girl. She saw how the Madame treated little Cinder and offered a way out only if Cinder has the power to be useful to her. Maybe she put Cinder to a test of how far she was willing to go for freedom, or maybe Salem wanted something from the Madame that she wouldn't give so it was up to Cinder to provide
Either way, Salem gets a young disciple that's ruthlessly ambitious and easy to manipulate and Cinder gains the illusion of freedom under a new master
#rwde#ofc salem wouldnt be grimmified in this version bc she'd stand out too much to do under the table shit#or she still could be but the world actually looks like an anime like it did in the beacon days#v4 on is far too grounded in reality design-wise#where the hell are the folks w wild ass hair colors and styles?? the most we get is joannas green but she says like 10 words so who cares#tis some bullshit and why i refuse to call v4+ rwby an anime#anyway this was somehow prompted by me comparing vergil to cinderella#as you can see i am Completely Normal tm#ngl tho vergil is a better cinderella if instead of riches-rags-riches its power-powerless-power#cinder starts at the bottom so her baseline mentality is way off if you want to do a cinderella remake#rags to riches is abt underdogs clawing up the social ladder against all odds#but riches rags riches is abt reclaiming what was yours#if we use cinders random disdain towards schnees in v8 as inspiration we could have a story of rival businesses#cinders father gets booted from power/high society thanks to Jacques's maybe legal maybe not methods and meddling#could go several ways from there:#her father could die and she'd be left homeless and alone in the cruel underbelly of the wealthy and powerful#she could find work w the Madame and try to endure the abuse so she and her father can pay the bills#her father could straight up sell her to the madame#itd be a horrific way to learn the significance of power and how easily it can be taken#i wanna like cinder so bad but v5 on fucked her irreparably. she doesnt even dress well anymore ffs
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hi i will get to ur comments normalstyle soon BUT giggling over this because i also sat and cringed at this for Several Minutes. staring at this line telling myself they are teenage boys they are teenage boys dakota is rawdogging this shit barehands style zero gloves zero sanitation other than good old fashioned Soap and Water theres no way they have a sharps bin. theyre capes this has to be a semi-frequent occurrence. someone please get them a sharps bin......
IM GOING TO GET THEM A SHARPS BIN. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. AT LEAST PUT THEM IN A CARDBOARD BOX OR SOMETHING FIRST. NOT JUST. IN A PAPER TOWEL. IN THE TRASH. RAWDOGGING IT. whoever takes out the trash next is going to need to be so careful. the guy in me who has spent a normal amount of time in lab settings is going to go fucking feral on these teenage boys.
#IMPORTANCE OF SHARPS BINS HAVE BEEN BEATEN INTO ME BY SO MANY BIOLOGY AND CHEMISTRY LABS. AND ALSO LIKE. WATER QUALITY AND VET PROCEDURES. H#HEKLP.#CRYING. i love these moments actually. fucking silly 2 me. i love saying hit like this#“barehands style” is making me lose it. i havent picked up this particular language quirk from you or whiskey yet i dont think but if u guy#keep going like this i AM going to start saying shit like this. ruining me. okay straight girl has done irreparable damage to me#i no joke almost said that at work earlier. to one of my coworkers. bit my tongue at the last second but oh my GOD .#hehheheeheheh#asks#friends!!!#intertexts
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straight up yall my parents dont know i play the sims like i doubt they know what the sims is LOLLLL
#my main hobby over the last like five fuckin years 😭😭 i am not speaking to those mfs and theyre literally in the next room so#to those of u who have kids do not go to the school of parenting mine did bcos u Will fuck it all up irreparably#seph.txt
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…..i forgot to block bsd’s spoiler tags this month
#i swear to god#i SWEAR#the ONE time i forget#im begging the universe i didnt just fuck up this bad#that was NOT the spoiler i thought it was#im misinterpreting it#i did not just spoil something for myself that ive been waiting YEARS for#it DIDNT happen#everyone be quiet be quiettttt#there’s a chance okay a CHANCE it’s all just a misunderstanding okay i misunderstood#im gonna be surprised by EVRYTHING that happens this months chapter because i DIDNT see any spoilers okay#we’re all pretending that didn’t happen#ooooooohhhhhh im so mad i hate myself so bad rn#actually cried over this btw#im on my period + no sleep from lingering covid cough = VERY out of whack emotions rip#i am like a delicate little flower and superpower mafia comic spoilers will apparently irreparably emotionally destroy me#except they won’t because i didn’t SEE ANYTHING OKAY IT DIDNT HAPPENNNNN#AGGGHHHHHHHHH#insane that it’s not socially acceptable to wail in agony over minor dilemmas at 6 in the morning
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trying to write a pair of twins that are 1 girl and 1 boy and realizing it's just rin and len 2.0:
#delete later#oc liveblogging#ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAKJHSKJHK 😭😭😭😭 what vocaloid will do to your brain#i was thinking abt lucian and luna again and if i did take potential story developments LITERALLY ITS HAKJFDKIJLKMLDF#luna even has a fuckign bow in her design too ARE YOU GODDAMN KIDDINGSH ME AHRIUO8TYIJ. MY FUCKING SUBCONSCIOSU ARE JRDKHKL;L#screaming. YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#i do try to have variety in the way i portray sibling relationships obv like some get along better/worse than others etc#but man. VOCALOID DOES IRREPARABLE DAMAGE TO YOUR BRAIN HSKDJH I CAN NEVER BE IN PEACE#funnily enough i was also thinking abt a scenario w/ gekiyaku & kazehiki and in THAT case its a weird fucking. reverse#cause i was like 'wait this is just lucian & luna's story all over again' SO. HUH.#in that case i think potentially its just i keep fuckign reusing the same shit tropes over and over again GODDAMMITTTT 😭😭😭😭 FUUUCCKKKK#IM SORRY IM PREDICTABLE HKJNK 😭 i just. some tropes hit so much fcking harder than others personally idk#my mentally ill brain gravitates towards certain things b/c i have certain issues ig i am A Tad Bit Messed Up 😔✌️
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Oh, my favorite One Piece character? Sanji! Unless he opens his mouth. Then my favorite is Ace.
#i love sanji in THEORY#and then whenever he's on screen he goes “OH NAMI-SWAAAAAAAN” in that really annoying voice and i immediately want to punt him#i know how zoro feels now#watching the anime did irreparable damage to my love for sanji#my eye twitches preemptively whenever i see him now#i'm like zoro in that i can't stand sanji but i would also fight to the death if it meant he lived#not even romantically just like in general. also like zoro#but it's gotten so bad that my dad's taken to speaking in sanji's annoying 'love mode' tone of voice just to piss me off#he's a great character! i just wish he'd stop talking#i specifically wish he'd stop the love mode thing whenever a woman breathes#but i'd also physically recoil if he ever actually stopped like WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BOY#actually oda could totally use that if sanji really DOES lose his emotions#but yeah sanji's my favorite. but my favorite is also ace. i live in a cruel world#bc one is a borderline womanizer and the other is fucking dead#anyways i'm gonna shut up now if you read all this i am a blubbering mess on the floor
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am i just toxic as hell or
so if someone left you on read for 12 hours before messaging, you wait another 12 to respond.
[this doesnt apply if they were asleep during that time or genuinely did not have access to their device (such as a power outage) it's mainly if you SAW them online/see that that they read it but never responded]
#polls of tumblr#polls#avpd#actually avpd#<- also if you have avpd as well PLEASE lmk so i know if this is a toxic thing or a 'i am so irreparably altered by abuse and trauma' thing#like. if i dont wait at least half the time it took them to respond to me to reply back i get nauseous#even thinking of responding to it before that time passes makes me feel sick and wrong and so fucking angry#if i do not wait then IT WILL be obvious that im seething mad/hurt as fuck#in some situations it ends up causing us to stop talking entirely#and yknow what? i dont even feel bad about that#edit later in the day; okay so maybe thats a little overkill. but sometimes it really do be like 'okay wow fuck you' yk?#like i said in the comments it all really depends on the vibes yk???#idk#i think maybe im just toxic </3#who wants to start a toxic yuri with me
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didnt go to class today because i didnt want to leave the house and be around people and be on the bus and be on the train and be on campus. i just couldnt bear the thought of being looked at or observed or maybe even seen in a way that makes my skin crawl (i.e. to be seen when i am an open book with a grief stricken expression—over virtually nothing but also everything that's ever happened to me— although it's only 9 am or 5 pm and the world is still spinning). worst of all i couldnt decide what to wear and what am i if not a carefully constructed performance!!!! i couldnt wrap my head around getting on stage today. god forbid someone see right through it all
#im fine i was just too sleep deprived and too anxious to show up.#I'll do my readings and note taking from my bedroom today because i can#i feel so irreparably stupid for skipping for really no real reason#like what do you mean 'you dont want to be seen today' like oh 'youre anxious' okay 'youre tired'#oh 'the dread gets to you in your first waking hour and in the hours between night and early morning' like what is that. get a fucking grip#school is not a hobby!#but also idk man i am clinically mentally unwell so.#z.post
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i’m feeling a suspicious urge to pick up an adam silvera book and i need someone to tell me not to do it right now
#last time i read an adam silvera book i ended up sobbing on the floor at 11:30 pm#now. i’ve read it before. but does that make it better or worse#i really need to refrain because i think it could cause irreparable damage in my current state of mind#rowe rambles#what the fuck am i on about
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lol. lmao, even.
#i am being tested from EVERY angle today#my coworkers are dropping balls left right and center#our patients are NUCKING futs#we've had 3 different patients fuck up their treatment in such a major way they are like#looking at irreparable damage to their teeth#and this was just TODAY#currently trying to explain to a man that i cannot help him commit insurance fraud#fetch the fucking boltcutters
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