#am i good enough to be x thing
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pikachu-deluxe Ā· 2 months ago
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would be nice if i could look at myself in the mirror and be able to say i'm looking at me
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starry-bi-sky Ā· 9 months ago
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Stuck in the middle of a forest made of
Flesh and bones and they're all scared of
A lost little boy who has lost his heart
Fear's not enough, they have to
Tear him apart ā€”-------
There are two things Daniel Fenton knows that his family knows as well:Ā 
Heā€™s adopted.
He canā€™t remember anything else before that.Ā Ā 
ā€˜Adoptionā€™ is a loose term, implying that they went through the official legal processes and troubles of adopting a child into their home willingly, and with the full intention of doing so going into it. That is not what happened. What happened is that Jasmine Fenton found a half-dead child, in strange clothing, in the middle of the woods at her Aunt Aliciaā€™s cabin, and then she went and got her parents.Ā 
What happened is that a twelve year old Danny woke up in the same cabin, wearing clothes much too big on him that didnā€™t belong to him, and with very little memory of before that moment. He wakes up like a spring being set loose, sitting up so fast he scares the daylights out of Jasmine Fenton sitting next to him. He wakes up, reaching for his sleeve for something that isnā€™t there, and when it isnā€™t his mind stutters, like heā€™s tripped at the top of a steep hill.Ā 
When they ask him for his name, he tells them, clearing muddled thoughts from his mind; Danny. Heā€™s twelve.
(He thinks thatā€™s his name, at least. It sounds right; it feels right. If he thinks really hard about it, he thinks he can remember someone calling him that, utter adoration in their voice. So it must be his name.)Ā 
The Jasmine girl convinces her parents to take him home with them, and they give him the spare guest room upstairs. He has nothing to fill it with.
Itā€™sā€¦ a strange experience, to go to a ā€˜newā€™ home when he doesnā€™t even remember his old one.Ā 
The official adoption processā€¦ happens. He canā€™t say itā€™s easy, or difficult. Heā€™s oblivious for the most of it, Jasmine intends on helping him settle in and Danny canā€™t say he enjoys the smothering. He learns that he is stubbornly self-independent, thatā€™s one new thing he knows about himself.Ā 
His adoption papers say ā€˜Daniel J. Fentonā€™. Danny remembers staring at the name ā€˜Danielā€™ for a long, long moment, something curdling sour in his sternum. His name is Danny, that he knows. But itā€™s not Daniel. But he doesnā€™t know any other way of saying it, so he keeps his complaints to himself.
(Jack Fenton boisterously claps his hand on Dannyā€™s shoulder and jerks him around, grinning wide as he welcomes him into the Fenton Family. Dannyā€™s mind blanches at the touch on his shoulder, an instinct snapping like the maw of a snake, telling him to cut off the manā€™s fingers for daring to touch him.)Ā 
(He keeps the thought to himself, tension rising up his shoulders the longer Jack Fentonā€™s heavy hand stays on him.)Ā 
They found Danny in the summer. Itā€™s a perfect coincidence, Maddie Fenton says before she goes back into her lab with Jack Fenton. She says itā€™s enough time to allow Danny to adjust; that theyā€™ll enroll him into the school year in the fall. Then she stuffs a canister of ectoplasm onto the top shelf, and disappears like the ghosts she studies back down the stairs.Ā Ā 
(Thereā€™s something eerily familiar about the ectoplasm sitting in the fridge, something unsettlingly so. Danny knows what that stuff is, but he doesnā€™t know where. When the house is empty, he takes a can from the fridge and inspects it.)
Jazz wants him to leave the house. Danny doesnā€™t want to step foot outside of the FentonWorks building until he has something that quells the feeling of vulnerability he gets whenever he does. He tried to once, and he felt exposed. Unsafe.Ā 
He turned back around and went inside.
ā€”-------
Where do we go
When the river's running slow
Where do we run
When the cats kill one by one
ā€”------
One day, when the house is empty ā€” or, as empty as it can be; the Fenton parents down in the lab, and jazz out with friends. Danny is making a sandwich, and he caves into the urge to flip the knife in his hands between his fingers. A childish impulse, but one he falls for nonetheless. It comes to him easily, like second nature, in fact. The slip of the blade between his fingers is seamless, flowing with an ease like water running down the wall.Ā Ā 
Heā€™s almost startled by it; his body holds memories that his mind does not. Muscles that know which way to move and twist, limbs that know how to hold and how to throw. He continues twirling it, fascinated, as if he were a scientist discovering a new species of animal.Ā 
Itā€™s not for a handful of minutes when a new thought hits him; an impulsive thought that pops in the back of his mind like a firecracker; Danny moves without thinking.Ā 
He turns, and throws the knife. The pull of his shoulder, the flick of his elbow, is familiar like a hug. He knows when to let go, and the blade flies through the air in impressive speed, embedding itself into the wall with a hearty, loud thunk. Sinking into the drywall like butter.Ā 
Danny stares at it in shock, he feels relieved ā€” about what? ā€” before he feels the guilt. He scrambles across the kitchen to pull it out, heart racing in his chest at being caught, and prays no one notices the hole it left behind.Ā 
(He runs up the stairs before anyone can find him, food forgotten, and hides the knife beneath his mattress like a guilty murder weapon.)
After that, he leaves the house more. Itā€™s more out of fear of being caught than the desire to leave. But Danny is quickly learning that among all things, he is someone who was dangerous, before he lost his memory. Even with his mind in fractures, he is still dangerous.Ā 
Heā€™s not sure how to feel about that ā€” he thinks he should be scared. He feels a little proud, instead.
ā€”------
Hazel beneath our claws
While we wait for cerulean to cry
Unsettled ticks run through time
Enough for the hunt to go awry
ā€”-----
Thereā€™s another thing he learns about himself. That he knows about since he woke up. He knows that he left someone behind. He doesnā€™t know who, but he knows they must have been close; heā€™s always looking down and finding himself surprised when the only shadow he sees is his own.Ā 
He thinks that he must have sung to them a lot; he finds himself humming familiar melodies when heā€™s lost in thought. Lullabies lingering at the tip of his tongue, an instinct to turn and sing them to someone beside him. He canā€™t remember the lyrics, but his mouth does, it tries to get him to say them when heā€™s not thinking. He canā€™t.Ā 
Dannyā€™s found himself humming under his breath more times than he can count, trying to recall whatever it is his mind is trying to claw forward.Ā 
(ā€œThatā€™s a pretty song, Danny.ā€ Jazz tells him at breakfast one day, Danny screws his mouth shut. He hadnā€™t realized he was humming. ā€œWhat is it?ā€)Ā 
(Something mean and possessive rears its head on instinct, uncoiling like a snake from its ball. His shoulders hunch defensively, he bites his cheek to prevent himself from baring his teeth. He doesnā€™t know what song it is, but itā€™s not for her. ā€œI donā€™t know.ā€)Ā Ā 
He misses his person. Dearly. He knows, the longer he is without them, that they must have been close. Otherwise, he wouldnā€™t feel like heā€™s missing a chunk from himself. He wouldnā€™t be turning to someone who's not there; reaching for a hand thatā€™s missing, birdsong on his tongue, a story to tell.Ā 
A dream haunts him one night. Warm and familiar, heā€™s holding onto someone smaller than him, theyā€™re tucked into his side like a puzzle piece. Heā€™s humming one of his songs that is always playing in the back of his mind, an unfinished tale of a harpy and a hare. Danny canā€™t remember their face, not all of it. He remembers green eyes, hair dark like his own, skin brown like his.Ā 
He loves them more than anything else in the world, a fact he knows down to his soul. He loves them so much it fills his heart with sunlight. Danny squeezes them tight, nuzzling into their hair; he makes them laugh. Then, he proudly boasts something. That when he takes something of their fatherā€™s, that his person ā€” a sibling? That feels right ā€” will beā€¦ the word fades from Dannyā€™s mind before he can make sense of it.Ā 
His person hugs him tight, hisā€¦ brother? And their mother ā€” a woman whose face he canā€™t remember either, but who he loves like a limb nonetheless ā€” appears, smiling. Her hands reach for them both, voice calling them, ā€˜her sonsā€™. Thereā€™s ticking in the distance, it sounds like the fastening of chains.
Danny wakes up cold, tears streaming down his face. The details of the dream already fading from his mind like the cold pull of a corpse.Ā Ā Ā 
ā€”-------
Harpy hare
Where have you buried all your children?
Tell me so I say
ā€”-------
When school starts that Fall, Danny joins the sixth grade class, and quickly learns more things about himself. One of those things being that heā€™s smarter than the rest of his grade, whatever education he had before, it was better than the one heā€™s getting now.Ā 
Everyone knows heā€™s adopted right off the bat. He tells them when the teacher forces himself to introduce himself, but itā€™s not like they needed him to tell them for them to know; he never existed in their little world before now, and the Fentons are pale as they come. Danny is not.
He befriends Sam Manson and Tucker Foley; they ask him about the scars fading up and down his arms, they ask him about the scar carved diagonal across his face.
Danny, as politely as he can, tells them he doesnā€™t remember. He thought kindness would come second nature to him, his dream burned into his mind where he hugged his brother so sweetly. Apparently, his sweetness is only second nature to people he considers his own.Ā 
(It becomes even more apparent when Dash Baxter tries to bully him later that day, and Danny ruffles like an eagle threatened. His mind whispers, hissy and agitated, sinking like a shadow at his shoulder, several different ways Danny could kill him for talking to him like that, and fifteen more ways he could cripple him.)
(Danny ignores those thoughts, up until Dash Baxter tries to grab him. Then he breaks his nose on the wood of his desk. Itā€™s easy how quickly the rest of his grade sinks him down to the status of social pariah.)
(At least Sam and Tucker still talk to him after that. When Danny goes to the principalā€™s office later, he wisely doesnā€™t mention the worse things he couldā€™ve done than break Dash Baxterā€™s nose.)Ā Ā 
ā€”--------------
It clicks and it clatters in corners and borders
And they will never
Hear me here listen to croons and a calling
I'll tell them all the
Story, the sun, and the swallow, her sorrow
Singing me the tale of the Harpy and the Hare
ā€”-------
More dreams come, of course they do. Each one halfway to forgotten whenever he wakes up, ticking faint in his ears. He is many different ages. He is young, shorter than a table. He is older, holding onto his little brother. He is singing in almost every single one. He is singing to his brother.Ā 
Danny can barely remember the lyrics, heā€™s begun leaving a journal by his bedside so that itā€™s the first thing he can write down when he wakes up. Heā€™s a storyteller, he learns. He feels like a historian, trying to piece together a culture long dead and forgotten.Ā 
His most vivid dream-like memory is not a happy one, and for once heā€™s almost relieved he barely recalls it. He is somewhere that isnā€™t home, but his mother and brother are there. He is dressed in black, blades keen in his hands.Ā 
They are atop a moving train. They are fleeing something. His brother is struggling to keep up, he is small, and young. Itā€™s beautifully sunny, they are somewhere green and lovely.Ā 
It is a fast dream.Ā 
His brother stumbles on something, and Danny, fast as a whip, snatches him by the back of his shirt and hoists him up to his feet before he can fall. ā€œWatch your feet, habibi.ā€ He murmurs low, a hand on his back. Itā€™s hard to hear, there is wind in their ears.
His brother, face obscured in all but his eyes, which are green as emeralds, nods.Ā 
The dream blurs, but Danny falls behind. His foot catches on air ā€” impossible, it shouldā€™ve been, at least. He never trips. ā€” and he lands against the roof with a thud and a grunt. His mother and brother stop, and turn for him.Ā 
The train hits a turn before Danny can get up, and he shouldnā€™t have, something pulls on him, he swears, but he slips. He canā€™t find the purchase to pull himself up, cold fear hits him as his nails scrape against the metal.Ā 
His mother and brotherā€™s horrified faces are the last thing he sees before he disappears off the side of the train.Ā 
(The ticking is at its loudest when he wakes up, pounding against his inner skull. He only manages to write down ā€˜train fallā€™ in his journal, before heā€™s flipping over to press his head into his pillow to get the pain to stop.)Ā 
ā€”---Ā Ā 
She can't keep them all safe
They will die and be afraid
Mother, tell me so I say
(Mother, tell me so I say)
ā€”-------
When Danny is fourteen he is still humming songs he canā€™t remember, his mind still in a broken puzzle. But his room is now decorated with stars and plants in every corner. He has a guitar he keeps in the corner of his room, and he plays the lullabies in his head on the strings over and over again.Ā 
The ectoplasm in the fridge still unsettles him, still reminds him of a past he canā€™t recall. The knife beneath his mattress has returned to the kitchen ā€” he doesnā€™t need it. He found a box in the attic last year, it had his name on it, and inside he found familiar, strange clothes, and more weapons than he thought was possible to carry on one person.Ā 
(Even without knowing that the Fentons prefer guns to blades, Danny knows, instinctively, that they were his weapons. He was ā€” was? Is ā€” a dangerous person. He takes the box down to his room to sort through. The weapons all fit into his callused hands almost perfectly ā€” the grooves worn to fit his palm. Theyā€™re just a little small.)Ā 
(He tentatively takes a small blade with him to school one day, and feels much more comfortable with it sheathed beneath his shirt. Heā€™s kept it on him ever since, like heā€™s reunited a lost limb to himself.)Ā Ā Ā 
Danny doesnā€™t have a name for his person, his little brother, nor does he have a name for his beloved mother. Heā€™s haunted by dreams every few weeks, many of them repeating. Heā€™s ingrained the words he can remember to memory, and the ones he doesnā€™t, he writes down in his journal. His little brother; Danny calls him a bird, he canā€™t figure out what kind. His little bird of some kind; when Danny takes something from their father ā€” what, he canā€™t remember what ā€” then his little brother will be a little bird.Ā 
(He doesnā€™t have a name for his brother, yet, but heā€™s calling his birdie in his head. Itā€™s better than nothing.)
ā€”------
Seeker, do you ever come to wonder
If what you're looking for is within where you hold
Will you leave a trail for them to follow a path
You'll soon forget
Home
ā€”---------
When heā€™s fourteen, Danny dies. It does nothing to fix his fractured memories, much to his consternation. It just confirms something he already knows; that he was someone dangerous, and that he still is.Ā 
When the shock of death has worn off, Danny inspects his ghost in the metal reflection of the closest table. Itā€™s blurry, hard to see, but shock green eyes pierce back at him, green like the portal. Lazarus, Dannyā€™s mind whispers, and he blinks rapidly.
ā€˜Lazarus,ā€™ he mouths to himself. Itā€™s familiar. Sam shows him with her phone what he looks like, joking that he looks like an assassin. Danny doesnā€™t think sheā€™s that too far off.Ā 
He doesnā€™t tell her that. He tucks the thought away with the rest of his secrets, and fiddles with the hood gathering at his neck, attached to a cape with torn edges swinging down to his ankles. He pulls it over his shock white hair. It shadows over his face impossibly so, until all you can see are his green-green eyes peering out like a wolf hiding in the brush.
He ends up calling himself Phantom.Ā 
(Maybe now he can start putting lyrics to his lullabies; his memories may not have returned, locked away with the sound of a clock, but the dead can talk. One of them may just have answers.)Ā 
----------
Home is where we are
Home is where you are
Home is where I am
-----------------
Dedicated to @gascansposts for being the one who introduced me to the band Yaelokre, and thus being the whole reason I was inspired to write this in the first place >:] Those lyrics at the line breaks are all from their album Hayfields.
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#danyal al ghul au#amnesiac danyal al ghul au#songs in order of the album: the hartebeest / harpy hare / and the hound / neath the grove is a heart#musician danny has my heart and soul#yes this danyal IS an alternative danny from the other au. an au where things were a little better :) but still sucks#implied good mom talia al ghul#danyal is a momma's boy send tweet#dpxdc ficlet#dpxdc prompts#dp x dc au#dp x dc fanfic#danyal is sTILL five years older than damian in this au#no beta no edits we die like danny fenton#poc danny fentons#i didnt know where to end this :(( i was gonna go on but i blanked. i thought about going into his relationships with his rogues and so on.#but that felt too much like trying to just increase the word count rather than actually writing?? if that makes sense#ugh im gonna have forgotten to include things and im gonna be kicking myself later#morally ambiguous danny whoo! we love to see it#since this was just for fun it doesnt really go into it all that much other than like. it happens. and that danny realizes he's dangerous#phantom in a hazmat suit? nah phantom looking like an assassin >:].#danyal al ghul with damian and his mom: šŸ„°šŸŒøāœØ#danyal al ghul with everyone else: šŸ‘¹šŸ”Ŗ#am i heavily implying that clockwork had smth to do with Danyalā€™s amnesia and appearance by the cabin? šŸ‘€ maybe#not enough danyal al ghul aus where him being an assassin actually. has some kind of affect on him
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xxplastic-cubexx Ā· 2 months ago
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Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, I recently went into the x-men and I found my own dead with Charles and Erik AND I NEED READ MORE OF THEM BUT I SO LOST AFTER POWERS AND HOUSE OF X SO I DON'T KNOW WHERE CONTINUE, can u help me?
(alsoIlikeyoursdrawingsiwishbeingsoconstantwithmycontentlikeu)
i'll be very candid with you my friend: i'm totally lost too !!!!!!! your comic-reading journey is about as green as mine and so i cant personally give you a super great guide- but beautiful people on the internet exist who've done most of the dirty work for us when sorting through the stories you 'should' read so i'm borrowing them to help us both
you can read this article to read about one person's advice with exploring krakoa and- in their opinion- its most 'significant' stories, though to summarize the issues they recommend looking into:
House of X/Powers of X (which you should have already done)
X of Swords event
Hellfire Gala
Inferno
X Lives and X Deaths of Wolverine
Second Hellfire Gala
Third Hellfire Gala
Fall of the House of X/Rise of the Powers of X (also should have already done, however...) +Single issue: X-Men (2021 series) #35 aka Uncanny X-Men #700 is featured at the end of the FoX omnibus, though the omnibus excludes an extra bit at the end involving a cliffhanger for Charles's fate after he's arrested
if you want to dig a little deeper though, you can check out this article from another individual which includes another wave of 'relevant' (word used loosely as some can be considered more poignant than others) krakoa stories and stories related to it or set during the period.
it's a lot longer and more in depth than the last article, so again i only really rec peaking at this one depending on how deep you wanna go, or if you decide you want to explore more after reading the more 'key' stories. def wouldn't hurt to give it a glance just in case you read some summaries that pique your interest!
all in all, don't take these as concrete rules or guides to follow: comics are meant to be fun, these are just good starting points if you're feeling lost or overwhelmed. at the end of the day, you decide ultimately what you want to read and which stories interest you the most
happy reading !
#snap chats#my tried-and-true method of comic reading though is 1.) talk to my brother long enough til he tells me an interesting run#2.) poke around my comic shop and see which stories catch my eye#not a PERFECT method if youre trying to be methodical but i think the most important thing with comics#is not to make it stressful or not make it like. a homework assignment#just read what you think will interest you the most or what friends rec and just have fun :]#again ive just started picking up comics again after like. A Decade so im not exactly The Guy to ask at this point in time#but we're all friends we're a community so we'll do it together#as for right now tho. i am very sleepy my eyes are heavy. so goodnight my friends !!!!#i think i'll start legion of x tomorrow.. i really wanna read the first class issues i got#but i think those will be a good cleanser after LoX .... LoX gon make me sad i know it will#anyways! good night! and if anyone has any stories they rec or wanna share with me or anyone else readin my blog please do :]]#OH and thank you for liking my art LOL. on that note please dont stress about the 'content' you put out and how much you make#if you also refer to art then please remember youre an artist not a content machine: you make art and you make it when you make it#it aint a race or a competition so just like comics just have fun and do what you do !!! thats always how you get the best results#ok im sleeping fr now my eyes hurt and ive been chewing this gum for like seven hours GOODNIIIIGHT
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mulders-too-large-shirt Ā· 2 months ago
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s5 episode 1 thoughts
bouncing. bouncing up and down. off of the walls. this episode was SO good. thank you. everyone say thank you, chris carter. thank you for fainting scully, tomato lover scully, doctor scully, crying mulder, plotting mulder, breaking and entering mulder, and for skinner in general.
but back to who i was before yesterday... allow us to return to past juni.
itā€™s been 800 yearsā€¦ (and by that i mean a week and 2 days have passed since i last watched an episode)
we left off in a prettyā€¦ precarious position. so iā€™m interested to see where things go from here. and hopefully they will be less stressful.
but iā€™m so happy to be back! i swear once i finish this show iā€™ll have to quit my job. there will be nothing to get me through LMAO.
it sounds like mulder is going to do some breaking and enteringā€¦ again, fork spotted in kitchen
how the HELL did he fake his own deathā€¦ this is giving sherlock!!
god, hearing her voice trembling again as she talks about identifying his bodyā€¦ i did not need to relive this pain!!
so we go back to him crying and watching alien stuff on his couch the night before her big meeting
ā€œan act of faith began with an ineloquent certainty that my journey promised the chance not just of understanding, but of recoveryā€ <- ohā€¦ so he admits to the whole thing being about healingā€¦
and he says that he hoped finding the truth would reunite him with his sister, which i KNOW he was thinking all along, but hearing him SAY IT is still devastating; the way he never actually said it aloud before was very impactful, and so is his decision to break that vow of silence
ā€œa belief which i now know to be false and uninformed in the extremeā€ <- NOOO please do not give up my kingā€¦Ā i do not entirely believe this kritshcgau fool
heā€™s sobbing. he's so pretty when he sobs even if it is sad.
ā€œmy folly revealed by facts which illuminate both my arrogance and self-deceptionā€ <- oh noā€¦ i wanted him to Realize he was being Like That... but not in this wayā€¦
so he picks up the gun, saying it would be easier to end this journey if the pain had just been his ownā€¦Ā and oh my god......
but then the phone ringsā€¦ and itā€™s kritshcgau? heā€™s trying to explain that he might have been followed after leaving his apartment, but mulder does not give a FUCK LMAO
he wants to know who this man is and if they really gave scully cancer because of him. understandable.
heā€™s looking around for bugs in his room as he is warned of whatā€™s going onā€¦. and he finds one on the ceiling!! and not the insect kind, the camera kind!!!
mulder finds someone upstairs watching him on camera and burning stuff, but then this mystery guy picks up his shotgun and shoots mulder??? maybe?? itā€™s hard to tell??? strategic cutoff??
(i assume itā€™s shotgun guy from before, but frankly i donā€™t remember what his face looked like, so. listen! a lot can happen in a week and two days)
ah, it feels so nice to be watching the intro again. nature is healingā€¦ and by nature i mean me.
scully gets home at midnight, checking her voicemailā€¦ she starts to get undressed for bed
ā€œkeep going, FBI womanā€ <- WHAT THE FUCK.Ā 
ITā€™S MULDER??? sheā€™s soooo GAGGED LMAOOO THE LOOK ON HER FACE???? iā€™m howlingĀ 
MULDER BABY YOU CANNOT JUST SAY THAT WHEN YOU BREAK INTO SOMEONE'S HOUSE. BAD BOY (sprays with water) (sprays with water) (sprays with-
ā€œmulder? what are you doing? why are you sitting in my bedroom in the dark?ā€Ā <- a VERY reasonable question!!!!
he says thereā€™s a dead guy in his apartment. sheā€™s had ENOUGH of his shenanigans, and he clarifies that he is NOT joking
he had been under surveillance for at least 2 months!!!!! that is freaky omgggā€¦ god only knows what they saw him doing
he says that he canā€™t talk to anyone at the bureau because this whole hoax leads back to the FBI!!!
HOLD ON PAUSE. WHY THE FUCK DOES SCULLY HAVE A POSTER OF DIFFERENT TOMATOES ON HER APARTMENT WALL. HOLD ON Iā€™M FUCKING CRYING. STOP. THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY. oh my gooood.Ā 
she saw a poster of tomatoes and said you know what? this would look FANTASTIC in my apartment.Ā 
god, scully, you truly are the best character of all time. i had no idea you felt so strongly about the humble tomato.Ā 
i cannot complain about anything else that happens in this episode, iā€™m out of breath from laughing. oh my god. this is gonna get me through so much. tomorrow iā€™m gonna go to work and a customer is gonna yell at me and iā€™m just gonna smile thinking about scullyā€™s tomato poster.
i donā€™t even really remember what was happening.Ā 
okay, right, so the guy whose apartment was above mulderā€™s, he was destroying records of himself calling the FBI. so who in the FBI was he calling?? and must it be the one who is behind all of this??
ā€œi will not allow this treason to prosper- not if theyā€™ve done this to youā€ he says <- OKAYYYY!!! protective man is in his protective mode šŸ”„ you truly do LOVE to see it. itā€™s almost as good as scully in doctor more but letā€™s be honest, nothing can ever beat that.
ohhh, he says they can lie back to them!!!! sneaky sneaky man... your fox-like nature is showing
so it was HIS IDEA to have her come and make the ID on his "body" even though it was false!!??
so she was ACTING in that meeting??? WAS SCULLY A THEATRE KID?? because she sold that for real!!!!
heā€™s going on about how heā€™s asking her to lie so they can find out who this enemy from within isā€¦.
scully runs into skinner after identifying the body, who asks if itā€™s true that mulder is really dead, and she lies, saying yes. he wants to know if sheā€™s okay, and she pulls the ā€œi donā€™t know what to sayā€ card, which is entirely understandable.
he asks how she made the ID if he died from a shot to the head, so she says she saw him earlier that morning and he was wearing the same clothes. and thereā€™s a look skinner has into the distance as he tries to determine how and why they would have seen each other before 6:30 am. like you could see the gears turning in his head as if he was saying omg, so they WERE together this whole time. itā€™s comical, in a way.Ā 
which also leads me to wonder, well iā€™m no expert in these things, but if you know someone long enough, wouldnā€™t you recognize them even sans face? by body alone?Ā 
he says heā€™s very sorry. and when she tries to leave he very sternly calls out ā€œagent scully >:| section chief blah blah blah thinks youā€™re hiding stuffā€ (paraphrased obviously)
skinner looks SOOO suspicious of whatever she's plotting lmaooo. and he is right to be!
meanwhile, a very alive mulder is going to the department of defense to scout some advanced research using the dead guyā€™s ID!! ooooo high stakes, high stakes!!!! he's narrating that if theyā€™re busted, theyā€™re done for good!!
now scully is in the office with the section chief. and heā€™s talking about someone from the DOD giving her classified information.Ā 
they ask her for information and sheā€™s clearly hiding stuffā€¦. but she identifies kritshcgau!!! omg i didn't think she was going to!!
uh ohā€¦ kritshcgau sees mulder in the DOD!! ā€œhey! howā€™d you get in here?ā€ ā€œthrough the front doorā€ <- lmao he can never be serious!!
kritshcgau tells mulder to come with himā€¦ is this a trap???Ā 
heā€™s gagged because that card gives mulder LEVEL FOUR CLEARANCE which i take is a BIG DEAL
yes, it is, because it would give him access to EVERYTHING!! even the thing he wants most of allā€¦ the cure for scullyā€™s cancer!! you can see the tears forming in his eyes at the thoughtā€¦ oh man. ohhh mulderā€¦
cancer man has burst into mulderā€™s apartmentā€¦ now what are you doing here, you freak???
OHHHH he finds a photo of mulder and samantha on his desk when they were kids... ohhhh... my heart šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­
(thereā€™s also some art on the wall of mulder's apartment that i canā€™t make the details out on. one piece seems to be some sort of pastoral scene with a sheep in it? and the other seems to be abstract. does anyone know what they are? i mean, itā€™s no tomato poster. but still)
CSM is actually crying seeing this photo and the blood he presumes to be mulder's on the carpet, and i donā€™t know if he feels genuine sadness or is just heartbroken his decades long alien colonization plan has been thwarted. honestly i do think heā€™s sad about mulder. he seemed to be in love with both mr. and mrs. mulder tbh, and that can do things to a guy.Ā 
he finds the secret ceiling camera...
scully is in mulderā€™s office now, calling someone. she pulls out the phone number shotgun guy had been calling!! holly answers it and says she is so sorry to hear about what happened to mulderā€¦. but scully has no time to talk about these things
who is this holly? how does she know scully? are they friends? i need the backstory.
scullyā€¦ you are so beautifulā€¦. holding this paper and calling holly on the phone, telling her when the calls were placed so she can track down who shotgun man called a million timesā€¦..
OH GOD!!! ITā€™S SKINNERā€™S EXTENSION!!!
scully looks devastated by thisā€¦ but just as she begins to process it all, the scientist calls her back about the ice!! she has so much on her mind, please do not make her come look at some damn ice šŸ˜­
now, i do not believe that skinner is really behind all this. if he is involved at all, it is because he made that deal with CSM to try and save her... and maybe he was tricked, but he did NOT do it willingly!
kritshcgau and mulder are talking about level four, which apparently a place and not just a classification, and is home to medical facilities!! and vast quantities of DNA storage!! from every person who has ever given blood or tissue since ww2!!!Ā 
damn thatā€™s crazy. how tf would you even store all that?? itā€™s gotta be a warehouse.
heā€™s saying this is the hoax into which mulder was drawnā€¦. the US fanned the flames of UFO stories to draw attention away from theĀ whole ā€œmutually assured destructionā€ thing, which, well, not sure how well that worked outĀ 
OPPENHEIMER MENTIONEDā€¼ļøhim and that damn hatā€¦
(actually still havenā€™t seen that movie btw. sorry i guess. idk. iā€™m busy)
KHRUSHCHEV APPEARS ā€¼ļøi love to see a familiar face from my textbooks in my TV programs. it's like a crossover event.
kritshcgau says the business of america isnā€™t business at all, itā€™s war. well yeah. that is true. and the cold war was an excuse to keep spending military money with no war. which i guess that sort of maybe tracks??
writing off korea and vietnam as just countries squaring off ā€œa few timesā€ is kinda crazy, but his point is: no one used the big bomb.
mulder asks what we are all thinking: what does this have to do with UFOs?
well, let kritshcgau tell you, son. after roswell, the more the government denied about UFOs, the more the public believed them, which was great timing for a country developing supersonic flight
oooo, he claims they almost got caught in korea, as they were accused of using germ warfare. but itā€™s nothing like what they have now, like what was used for the gulf war, developed in this very building! (said with a very dramatic flourish)
this is a lot of world building at a breakneck pace, and i donā€™t even know if iā€™m supposed to believe any of it. maybe some secret top percentage of the government thinks this is true, and the tiny syndicate knows it actually isnā€™t. thatā€™s my best guess.
the abductions actually did happen, he clarifies, but not by aliens. hmm. a top secret project.Ā well without aliens what's the point?
kritshcgau says itā€™s about DNA control. but for what purpose???
mulder asks, why make a whole fake alien body for all this then? and kritshcgau says because scully wouldnā€™t have been alive to disprove the alien body if their timing had been correct!!! so he would have believed it, then they could discredit him!
kritshcgau also says his son coming back sick from the gulf war is his retribution for going along with all of this, and he's thinking thereā€™s a cure for him somewhere in there.Ā well i think the whole gulf war disease and advanced cancer are very different. but maybe they both have secret cures?
off mulder goes, into level 4, taking one last look at kritshcgau, who is immediately apprehended by the DOD for questioning!!!! i feel that this will be the last we see of him.
cutscene to someone racing a horse?? is it bestie well groomed man?? and his many horses??
no!! itā€™s the department chair guy meeting with CSM!!! CSM is pissed that he didnā€™t know someone was watching mulder, but the chairman denies it.
he is even MORE pissed about being cut out of this project; ā€œi CREATED mulderā€ <- okay so that is not putting out the ā€œCSM is actually his fatherā€ allegations
chair guy says that mulder is dead
OHHH BUT CSM SAYS ā€œiā€™ve never underestimated mulder. i still donā€™tā€ <- DAMN!!! thatā€™s absolutely wildā€¦ i guess itā€™s important to know your opponent,Ā and how willing they would be to fake their death, and if they could pull it off or not
(CSM angrily leaves)
back to scully at the ice core guyā€™s lab. and again, oh my god, sheā€™s beautiful. no no no i donā€™t want to hear about fetal bovine serum. what the hell does that even mean. go back to her beautiful face.
he put the junk from the ice core in the serum... the cells were dividingā€¦ into somatic development?? the beginning of a life form. she looks shocked by this, but again. idk what that means!
bleugh, the ice core sample creature... it looks uglyā€¦ā€¦.
mulderā€™s snooping about the level 4 area, but the DOD people are behind him, and none of the doors have opened!!! he says that if they find the cure, it will mean for sure that he has believed in a lie from the start. well, i donā€™t think thatā€™s true necessarily.Ā i mean, the abduction thing could be from an alien-government collaboration, or aliens could still be out there, just not involved with this one thing, you know?
he picks a lock (okay!! crazy skyrim reference) and finds himself in a very dark room. and i am attracted to him. don't worry about it. anyway, whatever he sees seems to shock him???
cut to a TON of CGI aliens on cots LMAO WHAT???? just laying out n about šŸ˜­ it had to smell so bad in thereā€¦ i imagine aliens smell very bad
now this alien closest to him has been lovingly crafted with practical effects, which is much better. so we can see his slime. that is not the part that is better, the slime visibility; its just that practical effects look more visually convincing in such a case
scully is narrating that she had no way to reach him and talk about their discovery of an unidentified life form. which is what happens when you fake your death and go in the secret medical facility of doom.
why is he TOUCHING the nasty alien body???? EUGH!!!!!!
scully is pondering if this thing she found in the serum could be the proof of an alien or the proof of a hoaxā€¦ a lot of big questions for her to handle hereĀ 
he sees some flashing lights deep in the secret corridor, and follows itā€¦. a whole lot of strobe light action going on in here. that stuff doesn't even bother me and i was like damn, that was a lot. i imagine it was much worse for the people who already have issues with bright lights.
she says that maybe this thing in the ice core sample is biologically connected to her cancer??Ā 
how does this connect to all of those half-alien, half-human people they found back in arizona??!!
beautiful man is looking through the windowā€¦Ā 
OH MY GOD HE SEES A BUNCH OF WOMEN BEING SCANNED????? WITH BRIGHT FLASHING LIGHTS?? oh man.... WHAT IS GOING ON???? what are they DOING??
what did they call it before?? inducing mega ovulation?? yikes.
BLEUGH. i paused here as scully was getting blood drawn. i am woozy. how do they fake that for filming??
she needs a southern blot, btw. if that means anything to you. to compare that culture to her own DNA.
belaughhh. she needs the match before 7. he says we canā€™t do that.
ā€œitā€™s got to happen. everything in my life depends on itā€ <- YOU TELL HIM!!!
he has no idea wtf that means but is taken aback by her seriousness
NOW WHY IS SKINNER WATCHING THIS????
OHHH SHE GOES OUT AND CONFRONTS HIM!! ā€œis this more dirty work youā€™re doing for the DOD??ā€ <- OHHHHHĀ she is NOT HOLDING BACK
he says he has the tests from the body they found in mulderā€™s apartment on his desk; he knows it isn't him!!! and as she compounds the lies, she compounds the consequences!!!!
OHHHHH THAT WHOLE SCENE WAS SOOOOO JUICY Iā€™M GONNA TEAR OUT MY HAAAAAIR
ā€œall lies lead to the truth, isnā€™t that right?ā€
ā€œand what about your lie, agent scully? what does it lead to?ā€
ā€œthe truth- about the men behind what happened to me, about my abduction and the tests, about being exposed to something against my will, about being put on a table and having something implanted in me and then having my memory stolen, only to have it returned along with a disease that i was given.ā€ (ohh she was getting more and more furious as she said this and it was SO good)
ā€œis that your justification? if that what youā€™re going to tell the joint panel tonight?ā€
ā€œare you afraid of that?ā€ <- OHHH her mocking and accusatory toneā€¦ i need it bottled
ā€œwell, considering the dead man in mulderā€™s apartment was murdered in cold blood and you willfully misidentified him, yes, i am afraid. but iā€™m only afraid for youā€ (<- and i do believe him, that he is scared to watch her proceed in this way, almost recklessly, even though it's calculated)
ā€œyouā€™re going to use that against me, arenā€™t you? youā€™re going to use me as iā€™ve been used all along- to preserve the liesā€
ā€œwhere is agent mulder?ā€
(she walks away)
WOOO baby, that scene was ACTING!! the tight closeups on their face was crazy, and it def could have backfired had they not been so freaking talented. every microexpression spoke a thousand words. i feel energized just watching it!!
jumping up and down. jumping up and down. we are sooooo back.
ohhh she goes into the lab herself to do the testingā€¦ in her lab coatā€¦ and her gogglesā€¦ spinning the blood aroundā€¦ iā€™m faintā€¦
meanwhile, mulder's walking through some weird pipes??Ā 
AUGH, thereā€™s something IN HER BLOOD WATER, and she says it could be a connection between the conspirators and the cancer in her bloodā€¦.Ā well to me it looks like a worm
he finds a new secret door and enters with a hand in his pocket, looking around... tension!!!
sheā€™s ready to blow open this whole conspiracy!!Ā ooooo you'd better stand back and watch it happen!
(theyā€™re narrating all of this because this is a tv show and that is how an audiovisual media works, but i find it funny to imagine them speaking into a voice recorder as they describe their highly illegal activities)
he reaches the end of the mystery space and finds a ton of filing cabinets??? so heā€™s going to the scully file. he finds hers!!! it is a paper with a bunch of letters on it. which clears up nothing
and he pulls one out for kritschgauā€™s son as well!!! but it looks like his is blank???
someone from the DOD calls CSM to say that ā€œscottā€ (mulder with the dead guy's ID card) made his way into the pentagon!! so heā€™s off to go find him. stay away from him, freak...
scully is rolling some sort of paper after soaking the mixture of stuff from her blood. youā€™re confused, iā€™m confused, iā€™m fascinated as to how this was explained for filmingĀ purposes, but here we are
ā€œif my work with agent mulder has tested the foundation of my beliefs, science has been and continues to be my guiding lightā€ <3
ā€œnow iā€™m again relying on its familiar and systematic methods to arrive at a truth- a fact that might explain the fate that has befallen meā€
i love that she sees science as familiar and systematic; she really seems to be someone that values those aspects of stability, of knowing what can and cannot be true, and as the world grows more and more complex as they unravel the conspiracies, she turns to what she knows she can rely on. it reminds me in a way about how she values the comfort of a home, of the known, of what can be experienced and understood. she seems to thrive on that sort of knowledge, and i relate to it. something steady to keep her afloat, you know? it also speaks to her rigidity in following the rules. there is order and structure that maintains things, and that can be a great comfort, or a terrible hindrance if it is used for evil. but she, deep down, believes that there still is fundamental good. the rules, the science, the facts, the comfort of them all. itā€™s a terribly scary world; her biggest fear is what others are capable of. of course there is comfort in the known and the material. i like that a lot.
she hopes to match the virus from the mystery organism to the stuff in her cells, which would mean that her cancer has a cause, even if a cure is unknown! and maybe then they could find a cure to the virus thingy...? is this wishful thinking??
ā€œif science serves me to these ends, it is not lost on me that the tool which iā€™ve come to depend on absolutely cannot save or protect me, but only bring into focus the darkness that lies aheadā€ <- hey. hey ouch. pain.
i refuse to consider such a possibility. there are too many more seasons ahead.
back to mulder in the labyrinth, looking for stuff that matches the numbers on her card. oughā€¦ why does his hair look so goodā€¦
anyway, he finds some sort of liquid
OH scully has done it!!! sheā€™s mixed her DNA with the viral DNA from the cell!! oh, the ice core doctor guy is SHOCKED to learn that she has stuff in her that was also in the CANADIAN ALIEN MOUNTAINS!!
she explains that she believes she was exposed to this material that gave her an illnessā€¦ and when he asks what kind, all she says is that it cannot be cured. damn.Ā that was very dark.
so mulder finds this little vial of stuff with the specific numbers on it?? in a tiny tiny little bottle?
is it shots shots shots shots time??
heā€™s leaving from the pentagon, and in a voice over monologue, points out that he is as dependent upon her as she is upon him for the cure!!! as now she must convince the committee of her story!!!
she goes into the meeting room, bracing herselfā€¦. and she begins where we began in the last episode!!!! and now we know WHY she is reporting on the illegitimacy of his work!! ah, it is sweet relief to know there was no backstabbing between them
mulder is trying to sneak outā€¦ but his card swipe isnā€™t workingā€¦. and the military guys enter!!!Ā 
can he play it cool?? can he beat them in a fight??? well, it FINALLY works, and one thing he can do is run!! and he manages to!!!!
GASP! CSM sees mulder leave, and says to let him go!! he seems almost relieved to see mulder alive and with this mystery liquid
and scullyā€™s doing her oscar-winning performance about identifying a body. an absolute serve.
but skinner comes in just as she says thisā€¦.Ā 
her eyes are filled with tears as she pulls out the evidenceā€¦ (which is just two lines on paper, but you KNOW she is going to explain it)
and she notes that the whole thing was ā€œplanned and executed by someone in this roomā€, seeming to blame it all on skinnerā€¦ oh my godā€¦
OH MY GOD SHEā€™S STARTING HER PRESENTATION AND HER NOSE STARTS TO BLEED???
SHE FAINTS?????? and SKINNER CATCHES HER????
she looks at him and says ā€œyouā€¦..ā€ before passing back out <- WHAT DID SHE WANT TO SAY TO HIM??!??!?!?!?!
mulder is with the lone gunmen analyzing the mystery liquidā€¦. and itā€™s water??
hold on, i had to rewatch her fainting and skinner catching herā€¦ how he starts to hold her face but stops himselfā€¦ the way she says ā€œyouā€ so quietlyā€¦ and then she loses consciousness againā€¦ oh my godā€¦ to be caught by the person she thinks is killing herā€¦Ā 
and skinnerā€¦ i donā€™t believe for a minute that he is behind this. how hurt he must be at her accusations, his terror in watching her march ahead recklessly and lie to these people who would kill her in a heartbeat, and actively ARE killing her, and he was the one that made the deal with the devil to try and get this to stop happening, but what if heā€™s only advanced the work of the devil and got nothing out of it for himselfā€¦? and she doesn't even trust him!!!!
i rewatched that scene 4 times. and it was amazing during each of them.
and mulderā€¦ with his waterā€¦ mystery water in vialsā€¦ what can it do?? is it really just water?? why tf would the government hide vials of water with incredibly specific numbering deep in the pentagon. i don't buy it.
oh man, we are SOOOOOO back!!!!! i am bouncing off the walls. i cannot WAIT to learn what happens next. the angst here was EXQUISITE.
iā€™m such a sucker for angst involving mulder/scully and skinner. itā€™s going to get me EVERY time. over and over and over again. it just punches me in the gut. and all the other stuff punches me in the gut too, but this one has a certain je ne sais quoi factor about it; is it the mentor/mentee relationship of it all?? the way they care about each other but donā€™t know how to express it?? how they go from being willing to die and to kill for each other and then suddenly that trust is entirely removed, back and forth, back and forth? oh, itā€™s like CATNIP to me.
scully fainting and him catching is already going to be on my list of favorite moments, i know it, i know myself too well.
AUGHHHHHAUAGGHHHHRAUGGHHHHHAUGHHHHHH i LOVE THIS SHOW see it can be SO GOOD WHEN IT WANTS TO BE!!!!!!!!!
the trickery!! the plotting!! the deception!! the mysteries within mysteries!!! i still think the aliens are real though!! what are they doing with those women?? giving then alien DNA so they can steal their eggs to make alien babies?? what is that oil stuff in mulder?? and where does krycek fit into this??? and again, those half alien things in arizona?? donā€™t tell me!! donā€™t tell me because i am excited to learn!!!
YEAHHHHH!!!
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angstigone Ā· 3 months ago
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aki hayakawa had been acting strange, you thought while finishing the paperwork at your station.
it had started a week ago, when usually cold and collected aki had become strangely touchy with you. nothing disrespectful, it was just the sour expression he accompanied every gesture got you blurting:
"is anything wrong?".
he had looked so dejected that you had wondered whether his added touches had been purposeful but he didn't say anything other than apologize for walking in your space.
now, after that exploit, he had kept his distance as if offended. and yet, you knew it couldn't be so easy; there was a lingering gaze your way even when he'd keep his distance as if he couldn't keep his eyes off you.
the thought got you burning and awkward asking yourself whether he'd need something but couldn't ask you.
eventually your resolve broke and you confronted aki, by waiting for him to be finished with his own paperwork and stopping him at the exit of the public safety building.
Ā«have you been avoiding me?Ā».
it was like a deer caught in the headlights and for a moment aki's face didn't hide the genuine guilt he felt, making you feel like your hypothesis was right.
Ā«... no, I just... you know how it is with public safety? it's a busy enviroment and...Ā».
Ā«if me asking you to back off the last time we talked was disrespectful, I do apologizeĀ» your discourse felt much better readied up than him, but you guessed that you hadn't been the one staring at you non-stop while pretending to be avoiding you Ā«... either way, I thought that you made it painfully clear how awkward you...Ā».
you stalled in your discourse as a look of pure horror downed upon aki's face and you couldn't help but worry that you had unsheathed some long-lost trauma, although the reason behind you... it went past your head.
and that was enough to make you insecure in your curiosity.
what if you had made a huge deal out of nothing?
what fi you made this about yourself when it wasn't?
Ā«no no, I... am the one who should apologizeĀ».
you were taken aback by aki's tone as you looked at him promptly startled.
Ā«... it's just, well it's just that I have been taking advice onto people... well, let's say that I shouldn't trust neither himeno nor kishibe onto love mattersĀ».
somehow what registered first in your brain was the actually funny image of aki asking himeno - and then kishibe - for help; it sounded hilarious, as they were probably the least people that you'd ever ask for a piece of advice on your personal life.
Ā«you did what?Ā».
Ā«don't judge meĀ» aki shot back, lightly bitter, clearly annoyed by you not taking all of this seriously, although there was also something else similar to embarassment as it dawned upon you that aki didn't have that many of close friends; aside you, you could count himeno only as he might be hanging out with a few of his former colleagues from division two, but it was always for work function and nothing else.
it made you frown lightly as you came to that realization and if aki noticed, he thought it out of displeasure.
Ā«it wasn't like I could ask miss makimaĀ».
yeah, that'd be crazy and you never thought that you'd recover, although somehow the thought of aki asking miss makima for love advice... wait, love advice? love advice in which you were involved?
your eyes shot up to aki's own while they were firmly held on the ground as if he found suddenly interesting the blunt ends of cigs that littered the emergency exit for the public safety, that they had both taken to use as they'd be working through the night.
aki had been asked for love advice... for you.
although he hadn't spelled it out, it'd have taken an idiot to ignore that the touchy approach and the cool and distanced one were both two ways of flirting that you could retrace to your bawdy friend and to your collected master.
as if spurred on by the silence - an awkward silence - falling between the two of you, aki started to speak. or better... ramble:
Ā«when I asked himeno, she told me that I should have been... forward but I don't know... it felt... weird and... uncomfortable... like I was pushing myself onto youĀ» well, he put in a wonderful way Ā«... and then well, kishibe said some macho shit about being aloof and distanced, which I don't know why I listened to because the sole women I saw with him...Ā».
you crumbled in a fit of laughter that bordered on hysterical at aki's careful recount, as he rushed through all the details inevitably endeared and comforted by the recall of his reasoning; it was about you, but not in the way you had thought.
Ā«what the fuck are you laughing about?Ā» he said as a wounded predator about to attack the hunter that had found him in his trap Ā«... I know it was fucking stupid but I thought...Ā».
Ā«you could have asked somebody elseĀ» you said once you sorbered up.
Ā«who, fucking considering I have three friends and that's counting my superior, my crush and...Ā».
Ā«if you had asked said crush, they'd have told you that the best way to get through it was simply to askĀ» you spoke calmly, now all too aware that after your outburst aki was wounded and needed comfort. reassurance, even Ā«... because I am not going to lie but I have been waiting for you to ask me out, but I always thought you were simply my... well, my friend...Ā».
silence fell between the two of you and you worried for the most that you might have promptly misread aki's signs, although they were evident, terrible flirting comprehended.
Ā«... it was that easy?Ā» at aki's prompt burst of indignation, though, your entire body shook with laughter as you raised your head to find aki's eyes staring at you as if you had revealed to him the secret of the universe.
Ā«fuck yeahĀ» you shot back, slapping an arm athis shoulder Ā«... like, for all this time I thought that... there was something, but also you saw me as just a co-worker or some shi...Ā».
Ā«you are definitely not just a co-workerĀ» aki added gruffly, evidently collecting himself swiftly from his fully emotional moment Ā«... so, ahem... should I go for it?Ā».
you couldn't help but think it was cute how... worried and freeting he seemed.
it made you fall for him even more, although you couldn't go easy on him.
Ā«... that depends...Ā» you said, gently wrapping your arms around his shoulder to bring him up in a loose embrace Ā«... don't you want to ask also miss makima for love advice?Ā».
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ateriblewriter Ā· 1 year ago
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"just go." the overwhelming fear of potentially hurting you took ahold of him and a strange feeling of panic pain hit him in the back of throat as the words left his mouth.
luke hughes often got this intrusive thought when picturing the future the two of you could possibly share together, he just never expressed it in verbal form. he thought he could get a handle on it, control the fear and maybe he could conquer it.
"what have i done wrong? please luke." your mind rakes through all the memories, sifting through all the happy times and the bad ones, trying to figure out why he ask you to do that. nothing came up.
"nothing. absolutely nothing." he took a shaky breath in through his nose, holding it in his lungs for a moment before letting the carbon dioxide exit the same way the oxygen entered.
"then why?" tears were starting to form on the water line of your eyes. you go to wipe them away but they appear back in a matter of seconds.
he loved you so much he was afraid he was going to hurt you. little did he realize that what he was doing now hurt you more than anything.
"because i love you." he whispered to no one in particular as he watched you walk out of his life when he didn't respond to the your previous line of questioning.
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ficandkaboodle Ā· 3 months ago
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Papaā€™s Favorite Ghoul: Primo
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Banner Credit Goes to @saradika-graphics! Word Count: 3281
Man, where do I even begin? I guess by stating that thereā€™s two tropes I like: AUs where characters switch dynamics, and when characters or people go by titles that donā€™t traditionally align with their gender identity. Like woman kings or, in the case of Star vs the Forces of Evil, Jushtin the Boy Queen. Admittedly theyā€™re more so applied to align with the importance placed on patriarchal and/or matriarchal power but weā€™re not getting into that. Nor are we getting into the kind of weird patriarchal traits of the Catholic Church the Church of Ghost keeps hold to ā€” there are real-world explanations for them, I suppose, and this is fanfiction.
What we are getting into is my blending of the two aforementioned tropes to create thisā€¦Well, I guess itā€™s a series of sorts now because each character segment got too hefty to belong to one singular post. My bad. But I digress:
Somewhere out there, there is a universe where you were a part of the bloodline that has long reigned the Satanic Church as a dark papal dynasty. And now the title of Papa, for better or worse, has fallen upon you. Youā€™ve trained your entire life for this ā€” mephistophically, that is. But few things can prepare someone for dealing with ghouls more than actual exposure can. And now with the task of utilizing music to corrupt and recruit falling upon you, youā€™ll have plenty of time to become familiar with these literal hellions.
Donā€™t worry, though: If thereā€™s one thing that has remained consistent throughout the millennia, itā€™s that a Papa almost always finds that one ghoul form whom they develop a fondness for . . .
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You had not, in fact, been the one to summon the ghoul known around the Ministry as ā€œPrimoā€.
He had been walking these unhallowed grounds since before you were born. A ghoul having an extended tenure topside wasnā€™t unheard of, but the implications set by his humanoid appearance of a very tall old man seemed to punctuate that point. Was he genuinely that old? Did he use a bit of ghoul magic to influence his appearance? You weren't going to ask.
Coupled with the way he carried himself, his presence commanded respect, something which the Clergy had been surprisingly willing to oblige despite his species.
Primo was, for all intents and purposes, the ideal ghoul: He had an intense work ethic, he was loyal, and he was tame enough to be of use while also posing a threat to anyone who did the same towards the Clergy.
Even something as simple as his horns seemed perfect for his position: The four horns of a Jacob sheepā€™s spiked warningly from his flesh, the perfect sort of horns for a ghoul of the Satanic Church to bear if there ever was any!
Even though his original summoner had long since passed, they never asked him if he wanted to return to the Pit. And, to their credit, Primo never expressed any desire to. It was that kind of dedication that endeared him so and kept him at the ready to be a conduit for the Old Oneā€™s message.
It was also probably the only reason why heā€™d involved himself in the ā€œGhost Projectā€ you had recently proposed in a board meeting, even though he had made it extremely apparent that he did not see you as worthy of the title of Papa. If anything, he did so in order to keep an eye on you.
Primo had served many Papas in his time topside. Suffice it to say, you were nothing like any of them! Where your ancestors commanded their dark flock, Primo felt you merely timidly nudged them. Where the Papas of yore spat promises of the Dark One's ire and the rot of man, you seemed to more so focus on concepts of personal principle. Not entirely incorrect, but it certainly felt like a watered down method of leading.
Where was the damned soul made of brimstone and hellfire? Where was that penetrating glare that could freeze the doubters? All the old ghoul saw when you assumed the mitre was a soft-spoken slip of something or other that had fumbled their way through the bloodline. Had it not been for The Mark that paled your left eye, he might have more vehemently ā€“ more violently ā€“ questioned your ascension.
But the Clergy made no movements to dismiss or discard you, and Primo had never been one to take impulsive action. So here he began to find himself: Sitting at a drum set for rehearsals, battering away whilst his peers made fools of themselves as they writhed about, mimicking sexual proclivities or just plain goofing off.
But for as much as he would glower at them, his true poison was always fixated on you: You, who clearly just wanted the attention the Dark One was supposed to be receiving. You, who was just plain wasting his time ā€“ time that could be put to more use around the Ministry instead of spending hour upon hour listening to you warble the same cheesy lyrics, bastardizing unholy psalms passed down through millennia.
But he was nothing if not a professional, attending all rehearsal sessions, barely speaking unless it was to keep the more juvenile bandmates in line. Though more often than not, need only shoot them a sharp stare with those magma-red eyes of his and they would stop immediately.
That was all you needed when, surprised that he would pick something as raucous as the drums, you attempted to offer something not as physically demanding or requiring of too much movement.
You had meant nothing by it, of course. If anything, it was an attempt on your part to at least try and build a communication with one of the people (?) you would be working with indefinitely. Your peers and predecessors as a whole werenā€™t known for extending much kindness to the ghouls under their power; that was something you wanted to change during your reign. The rest of the ghouls, bandmates and Ministry-established alike, seemed to appreciate that well enough but Primo . . . Well . . .
Werenā€™t earth ghouls supposed to be less . . . intense? Stubborn and a twinge terse, perhaps, but usually they still had a bit of gentleness to them after a point. But then again, Primo was in a class of his own. Or maybe heā€™d just been a fire ghoul at some point? Might explain the eyes . . .
Really, though, the praise youā€™d heard regarding his dedication towards Papas past had yet to make any real appearance beyond him not taking you out. And perhaps volunteering to participate in your brain child, though you felt that was more so out of obligation to the Church rather than out of any real reverence.
Given how blatant he had made his dislike of you from the get-go, you decided to accept his (admittedly impeccable) drumming skills as the closest thing to respect you were going to ever get out of him. Much like the Clergy, you werenā€™t going to look this gift horse in the mouth too hard.
Your magnum opus couldn't afford it and for as confident as you were in the prospects of it, you knew you would need all the help you could get. Even if some of it came from an ancient earth ghoul who wished you would keel over so the next guy could take over.
If Primo could grit his teeth, then you sure as shit could to get the results you were looking for. Even if the results meant enduring painstakingly awkward rehearsals, right up until Ghost's very first performance.
Primo knew not to expect much in the way of venues. After all, bands that merely copied their principles never had an easy foothold in the world, never mind an actual band representing the Church. In the end, it did make the most sense to perform in lowly places, places inhabited by those most vulnerable and willing to lend an ear. Still: He had not anticipated this . . . ā€œWhiskey a Go Goā€ place to be your debut. Oh well. The crowd here clearly looked susceptible enough; he could handle it.
He didnā€™t approve of you donning your chasuble for such an event but at that point, what did it even matter? He just needed to literally play his part and get this over with. Maybe then this tomfoolery could be put to bed and you would be reprimanded for wasting the Ministryā€™s time and resources, sullying their trust.
At least, that had been the idea when the first song was signaled in.
But as the setlist progressed, Primo couldnā€™t help but note how his expectations weren't being met. In fact, quite the opposite was beginning to take hold. Like how the words sounded different even though they were the same ones heā€™d heard ad nauseum.
Snippets and verses clipped from corrupt hymns made themselves right at home in the measures, something heā€™d internally protested the first times heā€™d recognized their presence.
Rhythms sounded more coordinated against the acoustics of the venue, far different from the way they resonated in the makeshift practice room back at the Abbey. This was what they were meant to sound like? Not a tangled mess of notes and words struggling and biting and fighting for dominance, but actual music stretching to the rafters? Huh. Who wouldā€™ve thought?
And all the shenanigans his peers had participated in ā€“ back at the Ministry, it seemed so juvenile, so distracting. They werenā€™t taking this shameful display with any kind of seriousness. But in that moment, the jumping, the showboating, even the gyrating all seemed right at home on the stage.
But above all else, it was the response to it all: Audiences loved it. They loved the words, the chords, the riffs, the "ghouligan" behavior. And, perhaps most of all, they seemed to love you. Who you were, in this moment, was far from whom Primo had been seeing ā€“ whom he thought he saw ā€“ in the pulpit and at rehearsals.
All that had been apparent child's play. Or perhaps they were simply the wrong environment for your fullest potential. Here, on the stage, you positively bloomed, transforming into something radiant, something filled with infernal fervor. A little hell flower decked in infernal regalia, your chasuble catching the stage lights like petals collecting sunlight.
During the few times you would turn your back to the audience and faced him, he could see it even from his furthermost position in the back: That fire he thought you lacked, blazing from your every pore, brightening your eyes and casting long, dark shadows upon all before you.
Primo had been right: You truly were unlike any Papa heā€™d ever served before . . .
From then on, Primo was to decidedly keep a closer eye on you. No more having the rug pulled from beneath him. Clearly you were like a mystery seed: He had no idea what your potential truly was, having not quite encountered something like you before. As such, you needed to be . . . studied. If at a distance, for now.
However, it's a bit difficult to go unnoticed when you're a 6'1" ghoul with large horns when out of a glamour. Never mind that you had grown so used to his stare being fixed on you that you always knew when it had reappeared. Only, you couldn't help but feel that something about it was . . . different. Somehow.
It was normal enough to feel them during black mass because everyone's eyes were on you. But to feel them when you would go to the library to request old tomes even most Clergymen did not seek; when you slipped members of the Children's Ministry candy to perk them up after a particularly boring Latin Studies class with Bishop Malicion. Even in what should have been the sanctity of your office, you swore you could feel those red-hot eyes affixed to your person!
But the heat of them was gone now, and hadn't quite been there since the Whiskey a Go Go. Instead, they felt more curious. Maybe like a cat? Ghouls were often likened to cats above all other manner of beast but Primo had only resembled one in the way he composed himself. A trait like intrigue just seemed bizarre to picture him exhibiting, let alone so obviously.
However, you were still Papa throughout all this: Best not to dwell on it and instead keep focusing on keeping your project afloat. You would deal with whatever was going on with old Primo later.
(Though you couldn't stop yourself from feeling slightly giddy at the possible improvement. Having him give you the slightest hint of a nod while passing in the hallways was leagues better than having him radiate bloodlust or disdain!)
Later, however, came quicker than you had prepared yourself for. In fact, it arrived one curtain call during the bandā€™s slow creep towards notoriety.
In hindsight, the fact he willingly held your hand for the final bow should have been a sign that something about tonight was going to be different. Normally, if he had to join hands with anybody, he made sure to position himself at the very end so he need only spare one hand and with another ghoul. Being virtually in the middle with you would have required effort on his part.
But you were abuzz, the performance having gone splendidly with a highly receptive and interactive crowd. You were quite proud of yourself and your ghouls if you said so yourself. Maybe the energy that evening was just enough to make Primo feel less rigid than usual?
Youā€™d only just risen up from your bow, ready to release his hand when you noticed that he himself was not letting go of your own. Odd, considering heā€™d done so with the other ghoul he'd been holding. You tried not to look perplexed when you spared him a glance; maybe something was wrong and he needed you to be on high alert? Though, no, that wound up not being the problem ā€“ in fact, there was no problem whatsoever.
He just needed to keep your hand in his so that he could raise the back of your hand to his mask ā€“ where his mouth would be.
It was a pantomime of a kiss, sure, but the gesture was still very evident. Screeches of delight erupted from the audience below as heterochromatic eyes widened against black paint, staring at scarlet ones peering through the eyeholes of a mask.
Suffice to say, what fans Ghost had already garnered had a field day. Soon, fanzines featuring the visage of their new favorite band's lead singer and drummer would appear in grungy coffee shops and to be swapped at both Ghost shows and shows of other bands. It wasn't Time Magazine but the marketing practically handled itself, and that was good enough for the Ministry to quietly applaud Primo's forwardness.
Clearly the Ministry's favorite ghoul knew what the people wanted and took it upon himself to stoke the flames to drum up further intrigue and popularity.
So surely it made sense to continue fostering this relationship, right? For the good of authenticity, of course.
It wasnā€™t long at all before you found yourself confiding in Primo, bouncing lyrics off of him. Lyrics turned into discussions, dissections of your faithā€™s principles and even a few misconceptions that most were too tired to correct at this point.
And he, in turn, used his many, many, many years of wisdom in his services to you.
Even divulging into his life before the Ministry, what little there was worth recounting. There was good reason heā€™d stayed up here so long after all: Life topside was just so different, so brightly-lit when compared to the Pit. Sure, he mightā€™ve been built exactly for the life infernal, but that didnā€™t mean that a ghoul lacked a capacity for more.
The biggest example in his case was the garden heā€™d kept during his time here. It was almost funny: Youā€™d walked these grounds for so long, so used to the presence of the greenhouse that sat towards the back of the garden. The brightness of the vegetation and bushes stood out from its darker, more gothic-leaning surroundings in an almost silly way.
Really, though, your only real interactions with that section of the Ministry could be boiled down to times spent in your office. The window there allowed just enough of a view of the little land below, one you couldnā€™t help but look at when the tensions in your poorly-postured back traveled into your skull, or when a delivery ghoul delivered more heaps of papers for you to look over and sign. (Suddenly, feeling Primo's intense gaze on you even when you thought you were alone made sense.)
Your path to the antipapacy was basically carved out for you, it ironically left very little room for extracurriculars such as gardening. But you could always count on catching a Sibling or earth ghoul or two, hauling heavy sacks of soil and carting that seasonā€™s harvest in a wheelbarrow.
Their decision to spend their time on such a long-term task that demanded constant attention and dedication was admirable to you. You could relate to focusing in on a project that would take time and focus.
And to see their efforts be rewarded with something brilliant and fortifying, something that caught the eye and could be used to nourish both the body and mind . . .
In way, perhaps seeing the hardships that produced flowers and fruit might have served as inspiration and motivation for your idea to entice the masses with music. Just a twinge.
To learn that the very things that refreshed you in your moments of exhaustion had grown under the same watch as the one that had once wished you ill initially amazed you. And amused you.
The idea of ever having been afraid of Primo seemed so silly now, you couldnā€™t even remember what the heat of his ire felt like. If anything, the pierce of Primoā€™s gaze had softened into something . . . Well, the proper words escaped you any time you tried to settle on one. "Passionate" mixed with "admiration", but still with its tenderness.
As it turned out, that warmth earth ghouls were often characterized with did exist in the old curmudgeon. It was exhibited as the years marched on and as you both grew closer.
It was there even in small moments such as this, with you kneeling in the soil, planting your umpteenth flower. You had learned under his watch years ago and no longer needed instruction, but it still felt lovely to share this type of thing together. Even after all this time.
A grunt escaped you as you wobblily stood back up from aching knees, another when you cracked your back.
ā€œOne of these days, Primo,ā€ you sighed, ā€œIā€™m gonna get down and not be able to get back up. You can just bury me here, then.ā€
It was a joke, of course, and you were totally prepared to not get a laugh from the old ghoul. Primoā€™s sense of humor, youā€™d long since learned, was as mysterious as it was strange. It was frankly a wild guess as to what would make him laugh on any given day. What you hadnā€™t prepared for, though, was the way the ghoulā€™s eyes stared back at you. You didnā€™t feel unsafe or anything, but you certainly felt . . . observed.
There was that curious cat vibe that had started it all from way back when. But, knowing Primo as you now did, you knew he was simply collecting thoughts. He would eventually reveal them to you in due time.
In the meantime, though, it served you better to shake it off. Supper would be served shortly, anyway.
ā€œRemember to wash up,ā€ you offered, standing as high on your toe tips as you could just to place a peck on the soft, weary flesh of his neck. To that, you received a quiet grunt typical of your partner.
As you left, though, Primo kept his eyes on you, tail thoughtfully swaying behind him. He remembered seeing you sparingly in your youth, which was impressive considering how unimportant youā€™d been back then. You werenā€™t Papa, you werenā€™t anything, really. You werenā€™t important to him.
But now, years later, here you stood: Wrinkles that werenā€™t there before were beginning to carve their permanence into your features, standing out even through your papal paints. Just the other month, youā€™d noted an increase in silver strands popping up in your hair. You sighed something about the stresses of dealing with the next projected tour or an onslaught of paperwork, but Primo knew that soon, more silver would come sprouting out at your temples. More than youā€™d probably bother dyeing, if he knew you. If he knew the people before you.
He'd seen this all happen before, many, many times. You may have been different from all other Papas heā€™d known, but all Papas were alike in this one way.
A heavy sigh broke him from his stagnation, and Primo began to trek back to your chambers to wash up. Before he even entered the building proper, his mind was made: If and when your time came, Primo would finally request to return back to the Pit.
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a-commas-a-pause Ā· 26 days ago
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Ok right I need to get to the bottom of this because otherwise it's going to bother me:
Aka: do you all love the movie more because you're all experiencing (understandable!) nostalgia for a childhood classic I first saw in my 20s, or is the movie really just That Good and I'm the weird one for missing the various long-winded tangents/sidenotes/subplots such as "Buttercup's incredibly dysfunctional parents" and "most beautiful woman in the world leaderboard" and "five best kisses in the world" and "now the 'author' is going to tell us WAY too much about his personal life and how he's contemplating cheating on his wife for some reason" and so on?
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thevioletcaptain Ā· 1 year ago
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if you as a fic reader ever become possessed by the urge to do a popularity bracket with the fics other people wrote and shared for fun and for free, consider:
don't ā¤ļøĀ 
#just!!!! make a rec list!!!!!!!!!#popularity contests do nothing but drive writers out of fandoms by pitting people against their friends#and invariably result in people being assholes in the comments as if the people who wrote the fic can't see it#like ''oh clearly fic x is better than fic y''#or ''why is fic c even in this poll?''#nobody gains anything by you doing a bracket to see which fic is the ''most popular''#a stat which could be found more easily & less cruelly by simply hitting the sort by bookmarks/kudos button on ao3#anyway ugh. i saw that one of my fics was being pitted against one of my friend's fics in this bracket that's going around#and i have no idea who is ''winning'' because i refuse to look. but either way it's gonna feel bad!!!#because i want my friend to get his flowers so i want him to win!!! but i also would like to know that people like my fic!!!!#so it's just a lose/lose situation even though i generally don't give a shit about numbers#but this turns it into a schoolyard popularity thing#and the emotional response to having people *vote* on if your work is *better or worse* than other fic is hard to ignore#cannot reiterate enough JUST MAKE A REC LIST#or if you absolutely must do a bracket like this do it in a private chat server or something#don't create a public forum for people to pass value judgements where the authors can see it#and feel bad if they get told their fic is ''worse'' than someone elses#but also feel bad if they get told theirs is ''better'' because it came at the cost of telling another author they weren't good enough#ANYWAY i still feel sick with a super sore throat and a headache & am probably extra cranky because of it#(still testing negative thankfully so it's probably just weather/allergen related)#gonna go make some tea and prep the fic updates i want to post today#cass says things#fandom problems#wank adjacent
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icewindandboringhorror Ā· 2 years ago
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Some sort of hooded adventurer look? hmm..
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starpros-sunshine Ā· 20 days ago
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What's with all the "Them and Us" stuff I mean. I thought the whole point of this acceptance stuff is realising that despite all the little differences everyone is still kind of similar in the way that they should be granted at least the basic but of respect everyone deserves? Call me naĆÆve and childish but isn't the point of all this to Not have the clear distinction between people who are slightly different? Isn't the whole point to Not have a "Them" and an "Us"?
#been doing a lot of national socialism in history again and idk#something about the goebbels speeches man#i know i know insane comparison but there everything also started with establishing a ''Them'' against a ''We''#that was like half of the ideology you know?#and I don't like seeing stuff like that these days because it's so stupid and actually seems more harmful in the long run#if thid makes sense#now you feel good because you have your bubble of other...idk. socially acceptable level of mentally ill people for example#and you're in this community with people who understand you so obviously you don't want to leave#and thats fine#i just always think it's a bit stranhe when it starts sounding like... you know#there's a lot of memes juxtaposing a very specific symptom of a disorder or something with just ''non mentally ill people'' for example#and I get it its a silly little joke#but words do something and if it's this ''oh they'll never understand they're just not X enough'' it just#i really really can't explain it well but it just rubs me the wrong way#is this silly?#it feels a little silly#maybe I just have too much Nazi ideology in my head but it's this pattern of infighting and the growing comfort with being rude or outright#mean online and the splintering in more and more groups with little sub groups and nobody actually seems to take a step back and look at the#larger picture#because they're all content in their little groups of people who are exactly like them#I'm not even saying I'm exempt from this who knows maybe I am also like that#but I don't really like half the people i see every day and I always feel a little like i don't fit in because with most of them I don't#but I don't really think thats a bad thing because how boring would it be to be surrounded by people who think just like i do#nothing new can come of that after a while no?#I'm sleepy i don't know if I make any sense but I've just been marinating on it a tad...
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moonchild-in-blue Ā· 1 month ago
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Sometimes all you need is a good ol' coffee shop au tbh.
#i'm cold and in a mood to be fluffed šŸ„ŗ and angsted#the one good thing about holiday season is the amount of coffee shops/ bakery/ otherwise fluff and angst fanfics#it's like hallmark movies but 10000x better and they actually get to fuck and curse and act like real people#my bts ffic archive is like 50% exclusively holiday-themed fics lmao. they are cosy! and sexy !#like yeah give me grumpy yoongi in the midst of snow and baking cookies šŸ„ŗ#if there's a little exes to lovers thrown in??? or enemies to lovers?? WOOOOOOOOOO YEAH#you can take my X Reader fanfiction out of my cold dead hands. leave yeen alone šŸ˜¤#(yeen is y/n)#anyways. i am in fact not reading anything rn as it's very late and i'm STILL sick and can't sleep but also reading rn is no bueno#but i am making a list of the things i need to catch up on + want to indulge in#since i'm travelling next week and will finally have time to read#wanna catch up with at least ditf and edging fitness before i see sleep token. because after that i will have NO TIME in december#and i prefer to re-read my fav cosy stuff to shake off the Holiday Big Sad#which actually isn't too bad this year but maybe because i've been BIG SAD for a few months now and i can't even tell the difference anymore#ahem. ANYWAYS! let's not go into that#hmmmmmmmm i know i'm using this as a diary at this point but! if anyone's actually nosy enough to have read through all this#here's a little surprise: āœØšŸŽāœØ#šŸ¦¦šŸ„šŸ¦« <- an otter and a beaver playing frisbee šŸ„¹šŸ„¹šŸ„¹šŸ„¹šŸ„¹#darya talks to herself
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starry-bi-sky Ā· 3 months ago
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danny and officer martinez's relationship in "late at night, when the nightingale sings" in a nutshell:
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Martinez: FREAK! GET YOUR FUCKING KID!
Battinson, on the other side of the crime scene: he don't bite
Martinez, with Nightingale firmly attached his arm, visibly biting him: YES HE DO!
*points at them* Danny is the Bugs Bunny to Martinez's Elmer Fudd.
Another Officer: i can't believe you're fighting with an actual twelve year old. Martinez: i swear to god that is not a twelve year old, that is a little hellion that crawled out of batman's shadow one dark and stormy night and decided to dedicate his existence to tormenting me. Officer: Are you really that mad about him putting a sticky note on your back-- Martinez: thats not the point
in danny's defense: the word "freak" is. a mini beserker button for him for.... obvious ghostly reasons, so like, even if its not directed at him, he still very much unappreciates Martinez's insults at Battinson. Danny may or may not be projecting.
he's not going to hurt the guy! not in any serious or permanently disfiguring way at least! But he is going to leave mean sticky notes on the square part of his spine that he can't reach, and stick salt in his 3AM Late Night Crime Scene Coffee, and kick the bottom of his heel while he's walking so he stumbles. And other petty, infuriating things that tally up and boil over, over time.
#dpxdc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#blood blossom au#dpxdc memes#dpxdc au#the only thing martinez is right about is the fact that danny is. in fact. NOT twelve.#he's just shrimpy because he's half-dead#there's eventually a 'martinez vs nightingale' board in the precinct called the beef board. it tallies every time one of them gets got by#the other. danny is currently in the lead by a wide margin. martinez is very limited in what he can do bc of multiple reasons. but one#of them is the fact that batman HAS punched a cop before. three actually. and he won't hesitate to punch another if martinez actually did#anything to harm nightingale. and also nightingale shows up so rarely and doesnt stick around long enough for martinez to retaliate#or properly plan ahead. its kinda a wild card whether or not nightingale pops up on the scene.#nightingale: i am just a little guy!! the littlest of boy!! baddabing-baddaboom! you wouldn't do nothin to a little guy would'ya?#battinson who atp knows full well that if it werent for the blood blossom danny could turn martinez into a red smear: *would you?*#danny: if it werent for the laws of this land i would have committed acts of violence against You Specifically :)#and also like. every single other officer insulting batman and callin him a freak. they're not safe either martinez is just the poor sucker#that i have a name to give the face to#danny's a good kid but also i don't picture him totally.. hm... mentally stable? he's a little spicy. as a treat.#he's kind at his core but also he found his family's corpses and was isolated from society for 4 months by his abusive godfather and was#poisoned with quite literally the only toxin capable of destroying him entirely and can no longer (currently) use his powers without dying#instantly. so he's! he's doing his best! like between being chaotic and being kind he's def gonna choose being kind but also.#he's living on borrowed time and is in a constant active state of being slowly eaten alive by his own bloodstream. it weighs on ya psyche#danny's barely even processed his family's death and now he's got all this other trauma stacked on top to address. he is Windows EXP rn#tormenting martinez is just. an itty bitty way he can let loose some of the stress he's ignoring.#considering danny's alternate timeline was: world annihilation. he thinks he's doing pretty well all things considered
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musical-chick-13 Ā· 1 year ago
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Like. Once again, I of ALL people understand what it's like to imprint on/relate to/be drawn to/care most about unpalatable or destructive or vicious characters who Aren't Good People, but, you know. I do have to ask why, for so many people, this NEVER seems to happen when those characters are women.
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songofwizardry Ā· 3 months ago
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so I had the summer (in reality, likeā€¦ almost three months) off from one of my volunteering roles and Iā€™m 20 minutes into my first meeting back and I am already so irritated and angry. maybe this is Not A Good Sign.
#people! are! just! so! useless!#and I am being uncharitable to some people but god#this meeting is also going to go on fucking forever bc nobody can stay on track#and like everyone is very nice! but sometimes I do not care about people being nice I care about getting shit done and not being in#a meeting til 8pm#like maybe I need to#just. dip.#I am full of frustration#I managed to get my point said about us needing more people there to Get Shit Done in between everyone being very optimistic#and like they agree with me#but god#I thought I would have more patience after a few months off and. nope. less patience#itā€™s just herding cats on intense steroids#and not doing it for a couple months has uh. brought into sharp relief how dysfunctional and infuriating a system it is#one of the people I work with just talks all fluff#like a consultant who charges by the word is what my partner said#and itā€™s all like things we should do or things we should focus on and empty buzzwords#ā€˜we need to ensure these people have a seat at the tableā€™ ā€˜we need to expand our offeringā€™ ā€˜we need a concrete x policy in placeā€™#ā€˜we need to provide a space for the most marginalised in our communityā€™ ā€˜#like great ok but what are we doing and crucially who is doing it and how#bc youā€™re not doing it youā€™ve just said youā€™re at low capacity#and we are at best a team of five and currently a team of three if weā€™re optimistic#the buzzword bingo REALLY pisses me off idk if itā€™s the lesbian in me or the scientist in me or just the tired grumpy old man in me#I think Iā€™ve complained enough#I mayā€¦ā€¦.. have to reconsider what Iā€™m doing here I donā€™t think getting this angry within a few minutes of a meeting is healthy#itā€™s a good org I think we do important work#buuut at what point is that not a good enough reason to stick around yknow#ok if youā€™ve read this far thank you for reading all my anger
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philosophicallie Ā· 7 months ago
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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