#am I too blasé about these things? idk maybe | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chibitabathasloves · 2 years

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i agree w the notes !! i hadnt noticed the scarf stuff but it makes a lot of sense. nice catch !

sorry the brain fog is taking a bit. i love that u have a notebook for that btw. if you ever end up watching manhunter, it's an ok adaptation of the book red dragon. im kind of insane about red dragon willnibal and manhunter willnibal : i think manhunter will is VERY different from red dragon will, in bad ways, but both are kind of insane to me. i have book fandesigns but idk if its worth posting the content bc everyone is so used to NBC ? but then again i literally draw manhunter designs which are from a movie literally Two people in the fandom have seen so

i like ur interpretation of hannibals feelings for will ! i do have a bit of trouble being as optimistic about it as other people in the fandom. i kind of don't really know where the control freakism starts and where it ends w his feelings for him. you're right that he didn't choose who he loves, which i'm sure made him ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS, BECAUSE HOW DARE, but also so he can play chess with will properly instead of just making him a pawn he does have to relinquish some control... and he can't just detach himself emotionally from the situation, he's in love... but then it means he has to give up control. i love willnibal so much, i love writing it so much, it's so fucking complicated.

also i love the italian nicknames they're so cute :) i love the idea of italian nicknames in general. hope u can kick ur friends ass !! i do love the idea of will trying to connect w hannibal thru languages. italian seems like a good middle ground, lithuanian is really pushing it too far imho. remembers lovingly that mspaint comic i made w will thinking it would be a VERY good idea to practice saying "i love you" in lithuanian and chiyoh begging him to stop because it was the worst idea alive

Hello again, sorry I was at a wedding last night trying to wrangle small children that aren't mine.

My notes have like insightful little quips and then bullshit like: "Fucking monster. Licked a newspaper." Like, ah yes. They're going to give the cannibal glue. No, no they won't. But he sure did lick that newspaper for his weird little scrapbook.

I'm not going to lie, the reason I've actually thought about watching Manhunter is cause of you. My one friend told me the movie isn't very good (I'm notoriously bad at watching bad films) but I wanted to be able to interact with your art for those things because I like your art so much. Also now that I am an unhinged Hannibal fan, he got me to watch Hannibal Rising (i think I told him I wanted my time and money back), SOTL and Red Dragon. My first thought when seeing Norton as Will was "Really? The fight club guy?" But i remember so little of the film other than 'wow, Freddie Lounds is a dick whether he has one or not' and 'hehehe exercise leash'. And then with SOTL I was like "wow, good thing all these characters appear to be the pinnacle of mental health." But they sure didn't seep into my brain. I might try watching them again. But I def want to watch Manhunter. Give me insane. I'm down for the sickness (brain rot).

Also, give me the fan designs. I'm still a partial Witcher fan, so I love seeing the book designs people come up with. I love that for people! I love that for me!

The weird thing about Hannibal's feelings is that he's so blasé about them. I think at first he saw Will, and was intrigued about the potential of being seen. But clearly it wasn't the superpower it was practically claimed to be. After all, Will looked him dead in the eyes and didn't see the creature behind the veil. But maybe Hannibal saw something else in those eyes that wouldn't settle. Like a feral animal curled into itself, eyes darting around, looking for the best and quickest exit. Unlike when he met Lass, who was hardworking and smart, he kept her because of that intelligence. Will had something, but he wasn't sure what. And I think that's why when he says he was curious about what Will would have done with Hobbs when he had placed that phone call, I believe him. Will was either going to be another of Jack's bloodhounds stolen from under his nose, or he was going to be something else. I think that Hannibal struggles with some form of depression, the surface level attachments to his creature comforts, so the boredom is stifling. Hannibal himself is so incredibly nuanced and shifts from "Will is my friend" to "Guess I have to eat him" in the same conversation. I don't think Will was ever safe from Hannibal's knife. At least not until like S3 finale. The issue with an emotion you're not used to is its volatile, and we can see that in how Hannibal talks of Will and to Will. I do think that he joined Jack in helping to groom Will to kill himself, because it would be a worthy challenge.

I know some of the Fandom elevate Will to a god-adjacent status in Hannibal's eyes. But again, I think that comes and goes. I think there are moments where Hannibal looks at Will and sees the God of Righteous Fury, and other times he sees the man who is ruining his life. Hannibal's body language and facial expressions are all very neutral (props to Mads Mikkelsen for that), so you have to watch his eyes and mouth for the smallest flickers. And they are small. Matthew Brown was a fool and a tool, but he was right about the eyes.

NBC Hannibal's past is very patchwork-y but from what I could scrape together he would have stopped speaking Lithuanian around the time he was mute, would have shifted into at least understanding or attempting to understand Russian (soviet occupied Lithuania) before he fled to France. In France he was still a mute. NBC specifically said his Uncle Robertus took him in at 16. Boarding school. So we can assume he learned French in boarding school. Japanese would have been next up, Lady Murasaki and Chiyoh would have used it to speak to each other, both so far from home, it would have helped ease the homesickness. So I do believe Hannibal would have learned Japanese. But Japanese would be tied to another heartbreak (like Lithuanian) when Murasaki sends Hannibal away after he refuses to stop stabbing people. He goes to his mother's homeland of Italy, and eventually settles in Florence, where he learns Italian and comes to grow into the man we know today. So that's why I advocated hard for Italian nicknames. And why I think that language for Hannibal is important, but also an insane field filled with landmines.

Welcome to my Hannibal TedTalk lmao

And I will kick his butt, because I want to write suburban murder husbands calling each other il mio mostro and il mio tutto, and I think we chose a German nickname for Abbie, but I don't remember it now. Had to look it up Jägerin, for huntress. Cause we're unhinged and can lmao

#sansnom #hannibal #chibi rants #its practically my dissertation now

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poisonouswritings · 2 years

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Hi hi hi

Thoughts on how the main 3 (or M4 😳) would realize they’re in love with mc? Like I think for some (Felix) it would come slower but for sage he’s just. Ah shit. *enters a state of denial*

I think Felix could recognize his feelings bc he felt similarly when falling for Rime. Anisa knows she has a crush on mc and is both terrified and incredibly elated. I have no idea how Rime would react but I bet it’s a mix of self-hate and anger/sadness? Maybe melancholy is a better word? Idk. I don’t think he’d be happy about it at first

Sorry if you’ve already had a similar ask-

- coffee anon (has no better name for themself anon)

I swear I've written this prompt before but I cannot for the life of me find it in the masterlist so. Here we go . Also Hi Coffee Anon I have no idea how long ago you sent this I am so so sorry I would say I'm doing my best but really I'm mentally burdened and struggle to complete basic tasks so I'm not sure that would be completely honest. I'm trying is the point.

GN!Reader, short and sweet

Felix Escellun

You're right that Felix does recognize it from when he was with Rime. And initially that kind of scares him!! Because. You know. The only reason you're here is because he tried to resurrect Rime - for entirely selfish reasons, he realizes that now - and isn't that kinda horrible of him? To drag Rime back from the dead just to fall in love with someone else?

He tries to fight it at first but it doesn't go very well.

He can't really avoid you when he's teaching you magic. He can't stop his laughter when you say something particularly clever, or his heart from swelling when you do something so small yet so thoughtful just for his sake.

It also does not help when you fall asleep on the couch in the study and he turns to tell you something and then he just,, pauses,,, can't help but watch the way the firelight plays on your face and the soft little smile you have as you dream and feel his heart flutter.

I think the moment he really admits it to himself is in the study when he begs Rime not to hurt you. And I think that's when Rime realizes that too.

Ouch.

Anisa Anka

We know Anisa has dated before (I think Ayanna mentions it in Chapter 3? Anisa tried to cook dinner for someone and nearly set the kitchen on fire) so I don't think it's out of the question that she might recognize the feelings. But then we have to ask, why did her other relationships fail?

Well. I think a big part of it was her lying. There comes a point in a relationship where the act of keeping secrets - no matter what they're actually about - causes a strain. The other person has to ask, what exactly is it that Anisa's hiding? And for how long? And does that mean she could hide other things?

Honestly I think half of it is in Anisa's head. She panics and cuts things off whenever her partner starts asking questions.

But you're different. You know one of her greatest secrets - her father's true identity - and you don't seem to really care.

So maybe it's upon realizing that you're so blasé about this that she starts to fall for you.

I think that Anisa probably realized it when you guys were in Rivath and exploring her old house. She realized that she really didn't mind exposing her past if it was you she was showing it too.

Also I think the uh. The confrontation with her father where you defended her probably helped cement it.

Sage Lesath

Man it really does hit Sage like a freight train.

One day you guys are just going on bounty hunts and hanging out at taverns, the next he's pushing you against a wall and kissing you until you're both out of breath and staring at the way your eyes are all half-lidded and your face is flushed and feeling the way your fingers are curled against the back of his neck and

Oh. Oh no.

And then he does deny it. Calls it a crush. Lust. Appreciation for you putting up with his dumb ass.

He starts acting like a tsundere - moreso than usual anyways. Gets huffy when you praise him but still undeniably loves it. Bites when you try to pet him but always ends up purring and nuzzling against you.

And then you're in the cultist temple and that Corrupted grabs you and starts dragging you off, and Sage has to rescue you.

And as he's looking you over to make sure you're okay, feeling his poor overwhelmed heart burn with relief, that he admits to himself that he's hopelessly in love with you.

And then Zenith starts burning and he's able to use his Relic again.

And then the Gramme stuff happens like a day or two later and I start crying

Rime Varela

Man. Okay. So. I always struggle so much with writing Rime because 75% of the time he hates us. And I think the way he acts with Felix is different from the way he would act with you, at least in certain aspects.

Personal headcanon (since it's really all I have to go off of) I think that when you do see Felix and Rime together, the way Rime acts is more along the lines of how he acted when they were first together, before he died. Part of him is afraid that if he lets on just how much he's changed, Felix will be disgusted and leave him.

But he doesn't have that problem with you.

So I think the first time he realizes he's in love with you is when he does something so completely opposite of what he would have done when he was Starsworn - when he was a good boi - and you don't seem phased. You treat him the exact same as you did a minute ago.

Oh he hates you.

But he loves how normal you make him feel, and that's where it all falls apart.

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petewentzisblack1312 · 3 years

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Idk if you’ve done an analysis on Young and Menace but I am super curious of what you think of the use of the chopped sample in particular!

i havent done young and menace anon and now, fresh out of a manic episode with the virtue of hindsight im exactly where i need to be to analyze this song properly.

young and menace is a song thats very much about the dichotomy between how you appear to the outside world vs how youre handling yourself inside your head. maybe on the outside it looks like youre intentionally causing problems and just distracted and not caring about what anyone else is going through but on the inside, youre hanging on by a thread. once again, this is a song that can benefit from reading it as though the muse is mania, with the persona detailing how they (themself and their mania) have been barelling through life and collecting close calls (ive lived so much life/god will have to kill me twice).

it then goes on to detail the way the persona and their mania arent in sync, the lack of control they have and the excuses they have when their manic. they "woke up in their shoes again, but somewhere [they] exist" with their manic self making excuses, being blasé about things that are important, and leaving records of who they are when theyre not okay. "i only wrote this down to make you press rewind/and send the message i was young and a menace". this leads into the breakdown, which drags us into the personas head, specifically their manic self, ripping us back and forth, up and down, suddenly becoming loud compared to the fairly quiet verses, scaring us as the persona is like scared of their manic self.

moving on to the second verse, it details what the persona has to look forward to. life is difficult to deal with, but they have to deal with it nonetheless. their mania, their "madness", its still there, but they have to keep going ("not sure im there yet but im certain ive arrived"). after a repetition of the chorus, we have the bridge, which points out that the persona is just trying to get by. their mania will drag them along into insanity, but at the end of the day, when the dust settles, its just them, the persona, left to rebuild. ("im just here for the fall")

young and menace, while its not a good single (too experimental and artsy, the catchiest bit is the hardest to sing) is a great piece of art and a fantastic introduction to the album. its very much the thesis statement, and i love where it is in the album. its reflective, but also present. its really good, and ive loved it since it came out, even if its hard to listen to. frankly, i love it because its hard to listen to.

consider buying me a ko-fi?

#dils declares #dils dissects #mania #i gotta start tagging my analysis by album and song #young and menace

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snorlaxlovesme · 4 years

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full thoughts on the chaos walking movie? I want to hear more about it lol I haven’t seen it yet

it just...it felt like TKONLG but without EVERY GOOD PART, you know?

scene-wise, the closest individual scene we had to anything in the book was maybe the scene where Viola read Todd’s mother’s book to him? (even that wasn’t the same bc that was also the scene where we find out he’s illiterate, and he lets her read it right away, so there was no deep-rooted embarrassment about not being able to read). also it happened in Farbranch. BUT, like it captured the emotion of the OG scene a little, where Viola is reading to Todd and he’s hearing his ma’s words and getting emotional about it.

but all the stand-out scenes from the book, i.e. saying goodbye to Ben and Cillian, meeting the girl and getting hit in the head with a branch and bandaging her anyway, ALL of the Aaron fights, the bridge, the massacre of Farbranch, the song of Here, the Spackle, Todd’s illness, the waterfall scene, Haven, NONE of that was in the movie. so imagine all the really important and powerful moments gone

also all the overarching themes? those are gone too. todd becoming a man is HUGE deal in the books. even in his horrible awful town he just wants to feel like he BELONGS and he’s the one person in the entire town being ostracized. two of the biggest secrets in Todd’s whole world are kept from him for the majority of the book because he’s “not yet a man”. it’s important to him. and once todd realizes the connection between Prentisstown maturity and murder, he spends the rest of that book WISHING he could be a killer. wishing he could have that kind of strength and seeing himself weak for not being able to kill.

all of that?? gone. movie!Todd often chants the familiar “I am Todd Hewitt” (and sometimes “be a man”) when he’s nervous or trying to cover something in his Noise, and has a little tiff with Ben and Cillian at the beginning of the movie bc the Mayor sees Todd as a man while Ben and Cillian do not. (that’s a weird little bit though bc the movie never really explains why the Mayor had such an interest in Todd). but that’s about it in terms of coming-of-age material in the movie. and about murder. seeing as he doesn’t. kill. the. Spackle. let that sink in.

also like. the Noise is shown as a CONCEPT but not as a theme. the THEME of Noise is that, and I quote

“In this world of information overload, the ability to feel, my boy, is a rare gift indeed.”

or perhaps

“Knowing a man’s thoughts ain’t knowing a man.”

or even

“Knowledge is dangerous and men lie and the world changes, whether I want it to or not.”

in this movie, Noise would be described as like. a nuisance at worst and a superpower at best. you can hear most of every man’s thoughts in the movie, though not a constant, never ending stream. just just bits sporadically at either plot-convenient or comedic times. the Mayor (and at one point Ben, and at one point Todd) uses his Noise to construct illusions around people kind of similar to that Jake Gyllenhaal villain in Spiderman: Far From Home.

but neither of these two main examples really SHOW the themes that Patrick Ness showed us in the books. that Noise is powerfully ANNOYING; that it can quickly break down relationships between groups of people; that it can be manipulated making large lies still possible.

like, remember when in the books, Todd and Viola get to Farbranch and poor Todd is absolutely GOBSMACKED that 1. the women are ALIVE and 2. the men and women are living together?? in harmony?? what the eff?? and you see Hildy in Tam’s Noise and just how much they genuinely love each other and Todd is like “damn we ain’t in Prentisstown anymore Manchee”. and you can just see based on the contrast that Prentisstown people are a whole different breed compared to the kindness of Farbranch?

in the movie Todd has a few moments of inner dialogue where he’s like “oh man that’s a woman. that’s nuts” and then we move on. his world should be turned upside down here and its not. and the difference between the two towns is that they kinda just made it seem like, yeah, Noise is annoying so we have the men sleep separately from the women so we all get a little peace, and it’s fine. that’s how Farbranch deals with it. it all just feels very blasé

(i can’t remember specifically where this happens, probably either in Farbranch or cutting back to the Prentisstown men getting ready to march, but at some point a leader ends up saying something to a crowd of people and you can see how just one sentence spreads through an entire group of men and how they all start amplifying it and getting more and more panicked and i did think the mob mentality was cool. it reminded me of the beginning of The Ask and the Answer were the Mayor is addressing the citizens of Haven and you get that moment where the whole crowd flinches over the words of one man.)

and in all of this I’ve barely mentioned Viola. my wonderful girl. how they’ve massacred her story. god.

all of Viola’s development for the first half of the book is tanked from the start bc you SEE the crash, you see her stealing food from Ben and Cillian’s house (that’s the inciting incident of the movie), she talks to the Mayor in Prentisstown almost immediately after Todd finds her and his Noise helps everyone locate her, she talks to Todd a lot before getting to Farbranch after they escape Prentissown. the book does a LOT of work for Viola by having her mute and scared for the beginning and slowly showing how she comes to trust Todd. and how even after their incessent bickering in Farbranch they still choose to escape together because they know the army is after them specifically and they’re all the other has. that progression is really important in the book, as well as afterwards when we see how snarky Viola can actually be when speaking, how she thinks this entire planet is BACKWARDS and she can’t wait til her ship comes and shows them a thing or two about how to live.

movie Viola, well. she wants to find a way to communicate with her ship. she’s under the impression that since her scout ship crashed they’re gonna assume she’s dead and leave her behind. even though the Mayor brings up the settlers a lot after he learns about them, Viola curiously never really brings them up in any other context besides they need to come and get her. like it really made it sound like she planned on calling them, having them scoop her, and then they’d all just fucking leave, i guess. i don’t know what her end goal was besides CALLING HER PEOPLE which became the main point of the movie. the Mayor trying to find Todd and Viola so he could....use her to contact the ship?? that was also kind of unclear. and Viola trying to get to a communicator possibly so she could get the hell out of dodge. idk if that was her actual plan, but it was certainly what Todd was thinking, enough to where I was wondering if he was going to sabotage her mission in order to force her to stay (yeah. yeah. he had that energy about him and it was grosss)

and quickly, since all the animals couldn’t talk the way they do in the book, Manchee was more of a cute prop than anything. i could have gotten over it if he was useful in any way, but he never even like attacked a dude to save Todd or anything like that. so when he died it was sad on a dog-level but not a character level, since besides sitting next to Viola like twice while she cried he really added nothing to the story. also the shock of animal death was greatly reduced already since Todd’s horse that he used to escape Prentisstown from got a broken leg after he rode him off a cliff, so Todd used the knife (off-screen, thank god) to put him down. so Manchee getting killed was kind of lessened a little since my man Whiskey got nixed like 40 min earlier in the film.

this is getting long so I’ll cut it here since I’m gonna probably post about this a thousand more times. but yeah. if you watched it completely divorced from the books you would probably think “that was a cool concept but also what was the point of any of that” which is basically what most people thought based on the review headlines i’ve read. and if you are an avid book fan you’re gonna think you’re watching something else entirely.

#chaos walking #chaos walking movie #cw movie #chaos walking spoilers #violaeade #long post #ill def be posting about this more bc its all ive thought about for days #@ everyone i am always willing to discuss chaos walking #if you wanna send me an ask or DM me im open for business #kelly got an ask

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writefightandflightclub · 4 years

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Indivisible: Part One

Poe Dameron x reader? Finn x reader? Finn x Poe?

Summary: Finn is your wonderful boyfriend, and Poe is your wonderful best friend. But when Poe begins to look at you differently, you wonder if there’s another way to arrange the pieces of your heart to make it whole.

Author’s note: This dropped out of nowhere. It’s essentially a one-shot (it’s all written, but I’m going to post it in 4 parts as there are very clear “breaks”). Overall, it’s a very quickly written, light, fluffy thing (albeit with some angst and pining). I’ll queue the parts and you should have two a week at least. Idk.

Word count: 1.1k.

Warnings: It’s suggestive and smut is heavily implied, but not explicit.

Poe is perched on an old munitions crate on base, the morning sun on his face and a cup of caf in hand. He’s grateful for BB-8 at his feet, so that the rest of the base, milling around performing their duties, won’t know how alone he feels.

This used to be your time together. The morning caf ritual. Your laughter as warm as the morning sun. Poe had always enjoyed a close friendship with you, ever since you rocked-up as an edgy, straight-talking new recruit on base. Things between you had changed though, since you started dating Finn, as the time you were able to spend together thoroughly diminished.

Still, this morning you had promised to meet him, and although you arrive a little late - your flight suit buckled-up wrong and your mussed hair a dead giveaway as to why you are tardy- Poe can’t help his face-splitting grin as he notices you on your approach, hand-in-hand with Finn.

You wave at him by way of greeting, and Poe can see your smile -like rays of sunshine- even from this distance. It’s funny really, that almost everyone else on base knows you as having an “attitude problem”. Within your first week here you had ironically been nicknamed “Sunshine” due to your stand-offish nature. You’re fiesty and headstrong, he’ll give you that, but you’re also passionate, thoughtful, and have a wickedly scathing sense of humour. Plus, you’re surprisingly fluffy underneath the protective edge you’ve so carefully cultivated. You simply don’t allow just anyone to see past it.

Poe throws a helpless wave back in your direction, and waits for you to reach him. You evidently have to part ways with Finn part-way through your approach -he’s probably heading towards Rey and the Falcon- and you tug each other into a passionate goodbye-for-now kiss, your hands fisting into the lapels of Finn’s jacket to pull him close. Actually... it used to be Poe’s jacket.

“Ohhh boyyy.”, Poe groans in a small voice, looking down at his boots as the spectacle of your kiss escalates. He’s happy for you, he really is, but that doesn’t mean he’s strong enough to have this... togetherness flaunted right in front of him. He feels increasingly like a spare part in your life these days.

Still, after a moment, Poe flicks his eyes up to you. Sure enough, you’re still at it, the two of you lost in your own little world. You two are still in the honeymoon phase, and you aren’t exactly subtle about it. Poe’s had to endure seeing your PDA a hundred times before. Or rather, he’s made pains to avoid seeing your PDA a hundred times before. He’s not a glutton for punishment, after all. He sighs, yet reluctantly gives in to his discomfort and smiles softly on your behalf. It’s a nice thing for you. For Finn. So maybe he should get used to seeing it. Besides, you sure do make a cute couple- there are much worse sights which could befall him, that’s for certain.

This time though, compared to your other displays of affection, there’s something that just hits different about this kiss. At least, it hits Poe differently, and he can’t bring himself to look away from the two of you. In fact, he feels a gentle heat rise as he watches your bodies press against one another, casually sipping on his hot caf in-between glances.

“I’d love to be the filling in that sandwich.”, Poe says off-hand to BB-8 while the thought is still half-formed, before realising exactly what he’s come out with.

Poe and the droid’s heads whip towards one another at the same moment. Poe’s jaw is slack in response to his own revelatory thought, and as Bb-8 delivers the sassiest binary ever recorded, he’s relieved, at least, that the droid was the only one around to hear him.

“Don’t you dare ever tell anyone that I said that.”, Poe warns, with a deliberate wag of his finger, his eyebrows raised.

His astromech rolls his head in reply and beeps a question.

“No you may not tell R2!”

More sassy beeps ensue.

“I don’t care if he’s your best friend!” Poe responds, before his brows furrow. “Wait, I’m not your best friend?!”

“You’re my best friend.” you reassure the pilot, having finally broken from Finn and skipped across the tarmac. Alarmed by your presence, Poe stands up so quickly he almost throws his cup of caf all over you.

You dip in for a hug, as usual, and plant a friendly kiss to his cheek. Nothing unusual there. Except, this time, Poe finds himself fixating far too much on the fact you had your lips on Finn’s moments before you had them on him. Something a lot like like butterflies churns in his stomach.

“What are you two gossiping about?”, you ask curiously, eyes flicking between your friend and the droid.

“Nothin’” Poe says quickly -a little too quickly- as Bb-8 beeps at the same time.

You look down at the astromech. “Sandwiches?” Your nose scrunches in confusion. “Then why in the hell do you look so kriffin’ sketchy?”

Poe’s been accused of being sketchy before. By your cute boyfriend, no less. Quashing that thought, Poe delivers an attempt at a blasé grin and deflects your attention as best he can.

“Look.”, he says, grappling hold of the buckles and holsters at your waist. “If you’re gonna bang your boyfriend good mornin’ ya could at least get dressed properly afterward.”

You raise your arms half-way in the air to give him access as he tugs at your buckles, nodding up at your head too so you can smooth a hand over your wayward hair.

“Oops.”, you say deviously, little remorse in it. “Good job I have one of you to undress me and one of you to redress me, am I right?”. You grin at him unapologetically. “What would I do without my boys?”

His eyes fall softly on you as your evident joy flows over him. The last thing he’d want to do is dampen that. You mean everything to him. He only wants the best for you. He wishes he could just quash his feelings for you and get out of your way. And yet, as Poe sorts you out, tugging the buckles tight on your thighs and your hips, there’s that rising heat again. In fact, it’s an eruption of heat, as he imagines grabbing on to you wearing only those holsters on your hips, Finn’s lips on you at the same time, maybe.

Oops is right.

As if yearning for you wasn’t bad enough, now he’s yearning for you and your boyfriend too?

Poe finishes with you, and unceremoniously empties the remaining contents of his cup of caf on to the grass behind him.

“Stimulated enough already”, he explains as you tick a questioning eyebrow up at him.

“You ready to head down to the hangar then, Moonshine? I can’t wait to get in the air.”

Poe can tell. You sound pumped. His heart swells at the nickname, taken from the prohibited alcohol on Tatooine. Given to Poe, partly because he was always breaking the rules (usually to good effect, often ending in drunken revelry), and partly since he was always with you.

“Sure, Sunshine.”, he responds, with as much enthusiasm as he can muster. "I’ll catch you up.” You thrown him a curious look but carry-on ahead of him regardless.

Poe watches you swagger on towards the hangar before raising his face skyward and closing his eyes, mumbling strange words under his breath as Bb-8 waits obediently by his feet. “Palpatine. Jabba. Bones. Palpatine. Jabba. Bones.”

His erection finally subdued, Poe trots after you, trying not think about sandwiches of any kind as you slip your arm firmly around his shoulders, squashing him happily to you.

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colour-outside-the-liness · 3 years

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Hi Colour! How are you doing today? I don't know about doing meaningful things with my life, feel like I've just been surviving this entire time lol. However I am trying to figure it out and working on building the life I want to live and hopefully I will be able contribute to this world in some way.

I don't think I've ever played a game of trivial pursuit. Have never been to a pub either, not like the ones you have in the UK anyway. Just been to very dirty bars where me and my friends used to drink as much as we could afford, shared questionable food that could potentially make us sick the next day and there were no quizzes or games really haha. So your exp sounds way more fun! 😂

I'm glad you're giving the song a chance! Only Spotify knows how many times I've listened to it lol. I reckon Hozier's going to be my artist of the year for 2021. I love attributing works of art to Dani x Jamie, have a whole ass Pinterest board full with images of paintings, poetry, music and anything that I think relates to them really (yeah I know, I have a problem).

I love everything you've said about how Dani, Viola and the lady in the lake are alike, I hadn't really thought about their similarities before, but everything you've said makes perfect sense. I always saw Viola as a narcissist, even her drive to protect her child felt selfish in a way, don't know if you know what I mean. And when she fades away and becomes the lady she's just pure (almost animalistic) instinct while on auto pilot, bc she only remembers rage and abandonment, she takes anything on her path aggressively unless they're a child. So what she sees in Dani is not processed logically, right? It's pure instinct and emotions, so what she recognizes in her when Dani invites her in is the desperate need to protect this child, so she sees her as deserving. Perhaps she also saw in Dani and opportunity to escape this nightmare. Despite all her faults she didn't deserve what happened to her either.

And don't get me wrong, Jamie is so, so strong and solid and she is my favorite mostly bc I identify with her personality more than Dani's. But we know Jamie is all that even before we learn her story, and I feel like it is expected that she'll be the strong and brave one bc she's had to be that her entire life albeit unwillingly. But Dani? We expect her to break at any given point, I mean she is reaching her limit after all that's happened, with all the weight she's carrying. I remember thinking "Jesus, this girl needs help" when I first watched the show hahaha. But she fights every damn time, she doesn't run away and that's why I find her so fascinating. That's why I thought this song was so fitting. Even if Dani would never see herself that way. But it's Jamie's perspective (and fire signs tend to exaggerate everything 😂) so it feels fitting that she thinks so highly of her baby haha. Ugh I just wanted them to stay together forever. 🥺

Omg yes! I love how you refined this idea, good thing you're a writer and I'm not hahaha. And yeah I'm absolutely here for sapphics with weapons like holy shit imagine Jamie fighting with a sword? 🤤 I'm weak. Hahaha would be cool to see them in a pirate AU too! Maybe someone's already done it? Idk. But aaaah I want to see them in every possible universe hahaha. Makes me want to get back into drawing too. 😩

Aww you two sound like you have a lovely bond going on. Your niece sounds like the coolest! I started out drawing anime too when I was a kid and ended up doing graphic design for a living! How did learning how to draw anime style go for you today?

Hey I'm doing great thank you I hope you are too? I know that feeling because I feel like that's how I have made it to 27 just surviving (barely) and taking things one day at a time to get me to this point and hopefully I can contribute in some way even it its just a small way... so I totally get that feeling but I am sure you contribute so much without you even realising it!! Oh it's great but depending on how competitive the people you're playing with are it can get pretty heated... I've been in some heated games of it before because people just refuse to believe I know the answers to some of the questions and they think I've been cheating and have all but demanded I have another question asked instead of the one I got right... and pub quizzes can be fun again depending on the team you're in and how seriously you wanna take it I have been in teams where its been a serious thing and we have all desperately wanted to win and then I've been in teams and we've just had fun with it... all the pubs I go in are dirty bars too but sometimes they have pub quizzes... I have had many nights where I have drank what I can afford... one night me on my roommate went over board though and we ended up spending ALL our money even our taxi fair and we had to walk home in the dark along country roads with hardly any lights to guide us... because of how drunk we were it too us around 3-4 hours and I fell over a road sign and ended up in a ditch... I've had a lot of fun experiences but some really stupid ones as well... your experiences sound great though!! I would love that!! I listened to the song and I loved it so much!! I don't even wanna know what my most listened to artist will be this year... my money is on it being the Six musical soundtrack... probably All You Wanna Do from that musical I'll be surprised if it's anything else. I would love for it to be someone like Hozier, but ever since I have done my Spotify wrapped thing it's always been a musical of some kind that's been my number 1 song / artist haha I love doing the same thing. If I can make something fit Dani x Jamie I will like it doesn't even matter what it is haha... I don't think you have a problem I think that sounds so cool!! I have nothing like that. I just have a head full of random ideas screaming to be let out I agree Viola is definitely selfish and narcissistic and everything she did came from a place of anger and rage over the things that happened to her she fell in love and got married and had a child and saw her sister try and take that from her while she was ill and in the end her sister killed her. Like yeah, I do feel sorry for Perdita with the way she was treated but I do think everything Viola did was out of frustration over what was happening to her. Like you said she acts on auto pilot and only knows rage until it comes to children- because all she knows is she is looking for a child so when she saw Dani so selfless sacrifice herself for a child she saw a little bit of herself in Dani she knows Dani is a good person and she can relate to that protective streak and I think she did see Dani as deserving I definitely agree with everything you've said here. Viola might have had faults and flaws and who doesn't? But I definitely think she had it rough and did deserve better than she was given. I agree, you can tell looking at Jamie that she is strong and brave while Dani comes off as the exact opposite. But I think you see fully how brave they both are when Dani sacrifices herself for Flora and when Jamie offers to keep Dani company and loves her despite knowing she won't be able to love her forever. I love Jamie but definitely relate to Dani's personality more, there are a lot of things Dani does that I see myself in her because I have done those types of things myself and the whole beast in the jungle speech resonates with me so much and every time I watch the last episode and hear that speech I am a crying mess from that point on. It's funny that you thought that about Dani when you first watched it, because me and my sisters got my mum to

watch it and she said the same thing about Dani "she needs help" but then once told me she liked Dani because she reminded her of me that was an interesting conversation to be a part of "Dani needs help... but I like her she's like you." I was like "Thanks?" I agree this song is definitely more how Jamie would see Dani, I think Dani just has a very blasé view of herself, like I don't think she's self conscious or self deprecating in anyway but I think she sort of walks around like "this is me and this is just how I am" where as Jamie just sees Dani for how brave and strong and amazing she is- maybe even if as a fire sign she exaggerates a little bit haha Jamie just thinks Dani is the most amazing person in the world and I just know that Dani saw her the same way!! I really wanted them to be together forever... I am never going to emotionally recover from Bly Manor. Your idea was incredible and I think it would be a great story to read honestly that's the type of thing I live for!! OMG Jamie with a sword is just 🤤 🥵 I am all for sapphics and weapons of any kind!! There's this pirate AU which is absolutely amazing!! I don't know if you've read it or not but iamalekza writes some really great fics!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631598/chapters/70179306 ^^ Pirate AU I really wish I could draw I would love to be able to draw scenes from fics I have read and even ones I have written but I just don't have the skill set for that!! I would love to see other fan arts though I think drawing is such an incredible talent to have and I am in awe of anyone that can do it!! Me and my niece have a great bond, she's like a little mini me (despite almost being as tall as me). She is honestly such a cool kid I have a hell of a lot of fun with her- I'm looking after her again tomorrow and I have no idea what we're gonna do but we will figure something out... she's such a good drawer she's only just started doing it at the beginning of the year and she's really progressed with it... I however have not so I am definitely gonna need more practice. That's so cool that you started out doing anime drawing and then ended up going into a career in graphic design. Again that's a talent that I am just in awe of because it's just something I have never been able to do!!

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dokkaebiyoo · 5 years

Text

This is a snippet of a silly and fluffy touch-starved Kdj fic I wrote while on a car ride then forgot about and then found again. Idk if I’ll continue it but the premise is basically “the party piles heaps of affection onto a increasingly flustered Kim Dokja because they love him”

Some notes:

-this takes place in an au, either non-scenario au or post-scenario au where everyone lives regular lives again (sys and lgy attend school, ysa and Kdj still work together)

-Lee Gilyoung names everything Titano

—————

It starts with Shin Yoosung.

At 9:00 she posts to the “Oppress Kim Dokja” chat (made without his knowledge, of course):

[Shin Yoosung]: I think I made Ahjussi cry

[Shin Yoosung]: It was an accident

[Lee Gilyoung]: WHAT!!!

[Lee Gilyoung]: SHIN YOOSUNG!!!

[Lee Gilyoung]: HOW DARE YOU!!!!!

[Lee Gilyoung]: MEET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW

[Yoo Sangah]: Gilyoung-ah, Yoosung-ah, aren’t you both in class right now? Stop texting.

[Han Sooyoung]: Wait no let them talk I wanna know how to make Kim Dokja cry

[Yoo Sangah]: ....

[Jung Heewon]: ....I’m muting the chat. It’s too early for this, don’t you guys think?

[Shin Yoosung]: Gilyoung’s so stupid. Why are you yelling at me? I said it was on accident, didn’t I?

[Lee Gilyoung]: Anyone who makes Hyung cry is the enemy >:(

[Lee Hyunsung]: Dokja-ssi really cried?

[Jung Heewon]: Not you too, Hyunsung-ssi

[Han Sooyoung]: weren’t you muting the chat? Let Shin Yoosung finish

[Shin Yoosung]: I don’t know if I want to now...aren’t you too eager?

[Han Sooyoung]: Ehhh, Kim Dokja is usually so blasé, isn’t it natural to be curious about what you could have possibly done to make that guy cry?

[Yoo Sangah]: I must admit I am also a little curious. Dokja-ssi didn’t even cry when Yoo Jonghyuk ignored him for a month cause he was jealous of Jang Hayoung.

[Jang Hayoung]: Hey!! It’s not my fault if I confess first. Besides, I didn’t even know Kim Dokja and Demon King of Salvation were the same person, does that really count?

[Han Sooyoung]: You guys are getting off topic. Shin Yoosung just tell us how you made that guy cry

[Shin Yoosung]: okay so Ahjussi normally drops me off at school, right?

[Lee Gilyoung]: Big deal he drops us both off at school!! >:U

[Shin Yoosung]: Yeah well today you had to go in early so it was just me and him, so take that!

[Shin Yoosung]: Anyway lately I’ve been complaining about the school cafeteria, so today Ahjussi gave me!! A lunch box!! He made it!!!

[Lee Gilyoung]: SHIN YOOSUNG I HATE YOU

[Lee Gilyoung]: HOW COME I DIDN'T GET ONE??

[Shin Yoosung]: you did :)))))) but you left before he could give it to you so now both of them are mine :)))))

[Lee Gilyoung]: I’m coming to your classroom during lunch and if you and my lunch box aren’t there I’m going to murder you with Titano XVII.

[Yoo Sangah]: If Kim Dokja has to leave work early again because you two are fighting I will be very, Very Disappointed.

[Jang Hayoung]: Oh shit I can hear the Mom tone

[Lee Gilyoung]: ....

[Shin Yoosung]: ....

[Shin Yoosung]: uh anyways, when I got the lunchbox I was so happy that I swung my arms around his neck for a hug and we both fell to the ground. Ahjussi didn’t even try to cushion the impact. He didn’t try hugging me back either

[Shin Yoosung]: a couple of minutes passed and I thought it was really weird he wasn’t saying anything so I looked at him and his head was turned to the side. He was trying to hide it but his eyes were really red and watery!! Like he was trying not to cry!!!

[Yoo Sangah]: oh, is it possible Dokja-ssi doesn’t like to be touched? He always seems kind of awkward at work and tends to avoid touching others.

[Lee Gilyoung]: Hyung always pats us on the head though?

[Jang Hayoung]: we’ve sparred a couple times with Master and Yoo Jonghyuk and he’s never looked uncomfortable even when Master sits on him until he yields

[Han Sooyoung]: Kim Dokja’s too much of a smug rat to be touch-adverse. One time I caught him tucking Yoo Jonghyuk into bed and he could keep his hands off him, stroking his head and acting disgusting.

[Lee Hyunsung]: so Dokja-ssi has tucked Jonghyuk-ssi into bed...

[Jang Hayoung]: why is that the thing you focus on?????

[Yoo Sangah]: but if Dokja-ssi isn’t touch-adverse, how come he was so close to crying with just a small gesture from Yoosung-ah?

[Han Sooyoung]: How should I know? We should test it, maybe if you or I cling to him like that he’ll cry again. Then we’ll really know if he hates touch even when it’s with two beautiful women

[Han Sooyoung sent and image]: knifecat.jpg

[Yoo Sangah]: ....

[Lee Hyunsung]: I’ll do it too!!!

[Jung Heewon]: this is getting out of hand...

[Jung Heewon]: Shin Yoosung, you said you hugged Dokja-ssi? For a long time?

[Shin Yoosung]: yes?

[Jung Heewon]: Have you guys considered that Dokja-ssi is just unused to positive physical affection and is very moved by it?

[Shin Yoosung]: .....

[Lee Gilyoung]: Hyung....

[Yoo Sangah]: oh my... now that you mention it, it probably wasn’t easy growing up when Sookyung-ssi was still incarcerated

[Lee Hyunsung]: So Dokja-ssi isn’t used to getting hugged?

[Jang Hayoung]: ? I don’t get it what do you guys mean?

[Han Sooyoung]: That guy??? Touch-starved?????

[Han Sooyoung]: That’s Hilarious

[Yoo Sangah]: Han Sooyoung

[Han Sooyoung]: ugh Kim Dokja has a line of admirers out the door. Just about everyone in this group chat would die for him, literally half of you guys would commit murder if he asked, and yet he still hasn’t gotten that he could have a human cuddle pile if he wanted, no questions asked?

[Han Sooyoung changed the title of the conversation to Kim Dokja is a loser]

[Jung Heewon]: ... Han Sooyoung has a point, Dokja-ssi never relies on us. Its pitiful that he’s not used to even Yoosung hugging him

[Lee Gilyoung]: We should help him!!

[Shin Yoosung]: I’m going to hug Ahjussi when I get home too!!

[Yoo Sangah]: I can initiate more contact when we’re together as well.

[Lee Hyungsung]: Will this really help Dokja-ssi?

[Han Sooyoung]: Who cares, I’m just looking forward to seeing him *squirm.*

[Han Sooyoung]: @Yoojonghyuk @Yoojonghyuk @Yoojonghyuk @Yoojonghyuk

[Han Sooyoung]: read that?

[Han Sooyoung]: you better make a move before one of us sweeps Kim Dokja off his stupid ass feet

Thus began, as Han Sooyoung affectionately named it, operation “Suffocate Kim Dokja (with Affection)”

#omniscient reader's viewpoint #orv #omniscient reader #ying rambles #whispers where did read more goooooooo

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mvssmallow · 6 years

Text

CWAC: Chapter 29 Part I (temporary re-upload)

Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 29 Part I: …of airplanes.

Masterlist

Day 0

“You what?”

“I need to go to Japan.”

He stares at Hanbin’s back, waiting waiting waiting for the next reaction with a racing heartbeat in his throat.

“It’s three days till Christmas.”

“I know.” He says with a tired sigh. “They want to meet a producer over there. It’s the last time he’s free before he goes on hiatus with his family for a month. They want to get a lock on him before I start on the album.”

Hanbin stops cleaning his desk and turns around to face him. “When do you leave?”

“Now. Today.” He says, even more exhausted at the thought of having to pack for the airport. “Jin booked our flights already. The cars coming over in half an hour.”

Hanbin nods then and half shrugs. “Yeah okay.”

He’s a little taken aback, unsure what he was expecting but some part of him thought (hoped) that his absence would be more upsetting. He didn’t want to make them sad and miserable but there are times where he just craves some kind of evidence that he’s important in Hanbin’s life.

“So you’re okay with this right?”

“Yeah, of course. It’s your job now.” Hanbin moves past him to open their drawers and rummage for the passports kept there. “Which backpack do you want to take with you?”

He feels oddly blindsided by everything that’s happened this afternoon. The sudden phone call. The impromptu flight. Hanbin’s blasé response. His internal dissatisfaction.

“Jiwon? Which one?”

“Um, the blue one.”

A blue camo print backpack is thrown on the bed and his passport is tucked into the front pocket. He watches as their wardrobe doors slide open and Hanbin pauses to survey all the pre-ironed t-shirts just hanging there.

“Do you want me to help you pack?”

No, I want you to miss me when I leave.

He can’t say that out loud so instead, he settles for: “Yeah, if you’re not doing anything.”

Hanbin scoffs. “What else would I be doing right now?”

They pack with quiet efficiency. Well, he watches Hanbin pack with quiet efficiency, the tense stillness only punctuated by Hanbin’s short questions and his own single word answers. It makes him want to yell really loudly or say something stupid.

But the hour’s almost up. The car will be here soon.

“Wait a minute.” He’s checking the contents of the backpack with a frown, pushing phone chargers and socks out of the way but still not finding the thing he wants. “Where’s your Snoopy t-shirt?”

Hanbin looks at him with confusion. “Snoopy? That shirt is so old. Don’t you want one of your newer-”

“No.” He shakes his head, suddenly pissed off for some reason. “I need that one.”

It comes out harsher than he wanted it to but if picking a fight is the only way he’s going to get Hanbin to react then he’ll play dirty for once.

But Hanbin just goes and looks for the damm t-shirt without saying anything. It drives him insane and he can’t really remember a time he was this frustrated about Hanbin’s selective mutism.

“Here.” A soft and greying t-shirt is held out towards him. “Are you going to wear it out? It’s so old. It’s seriously getting holes in the sleeves.”

He takes it and tucks safely into his backpack. “No. I’m not going to wear it out. I just want to take it with me.”

“Okay.” Hanbin says slowly, eyes suddenly piercing into the side of his face like they always do when they’re trying to read his mind.

The phone in his his pocket starts buzzing and ringing then. Great timing as always. The car is downstairs to pick him up.

“I gotta go.”

Hanbin walks him to the front door and watches him put on his jacket and tie up his shoelaces.

“So umm, I guess I’ll see you when I get back?” He says, prepared and resigned to leave with just a brief kiss. Who knows how affectionate Hanbin is feeling right now.

“Message me when you land? And when you go to sleep.” Hanbin instructs, his voice shaky and watery for a split second. “And when you’re packing again too, so you don’t forget anything.”

He cracks the first smile of the day. “Yeah, I’ll just message you everything okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Then he sees it; the slumped shoulders, the downcast eyes that never meet his and the subtle frown pulling at the corners of Hanbin’s mouth. He can feel fingers playing with the straps of his backpack, even though there’s nothing to fix or adjust.

Well, finally.

“Come here.” He says softly, pulling at Hanbin’s t-shirt and relieved when there’s no resistance at all. Just a sigh.

He’s going to write a song about this one day. He knows it. This exact feeling whenever he pulls Hanbin’s slightly smaller body into his, the initial thrill of butterflies followed by the deep warm ache that comes from something so good, so unbelievable, so comforting, so his.

“Gonna miss me?” He asks. Fuck subtlety, he needs to hear the words sometimes.

There’s a nod against his chest that makes him want to laugh. Typical Hanbin.

“Say it baby. I wanna hear it.”

“Jiwon….” Hanbin whines.

“Baby..” He echoes with another laugh. “You’re gonna make me late if you don’t say it. I’m not leaving till you do.”

There’s more protesting and he can feel the outlines of Hanbin’s face as it tries to bury itself further into his chest. “Illmissyou.”

“What was that?”

Hanbin looks up at him then, all big doe eyes, long eyeslashes and static in his hair. “I’ll miss you.”

“You better.” He says with a relieved grin.

They don’t kiss for half as long as he wanted them to but it’s long enough for the phone to buzz in his pocket again.

“Ahh shit. I really have to go.”

Hanbin’s clinging onto him now, he can feel the slight panic and desperation in the way those fingers dig into his arm. He wonders if it’s wrong to want Hanbin to be like this all the time. It probably makes him a sadist or something but truthfully, nobody has ever needed him before and it’d be nice if that happened at least once in his life.

“Okay, well. I’ll message you when-”

“-I love you.”

It is so quiet against his own voice but he still hears it loud and clear.

Does he stop breathing? For a second? Or a minute. One of those. He’s not sure which one. The backpack is dropped to the ground and he holds that beautifully nervous face in his hands for so long that his phone buzzes in his pocket for a third time and he has the fleeting though that his Beatbox team should just go to Japan without him.

“Fuck, Hanbin.” He says in hushed disbelief. “Why did you have to say it right now? Worst timing ever. Shit, how am I supposed to leave?”

There’s the most sheepish of shrugs that makes Hanbin look even smaller. Maybe small enough to fit into his backpack.

“I really need to go but fuck, I’m gonna miss you so much. You have no idea. I haven’t even left and I miss you already. Wanna come with me? Please come with me?”

Hanbin laughs at his dramatics before leaning up to kiss him in that infuriatingly slow and sweet way that satisfies every empty part of his soul.

“Mmmmlove you.” He murmurs against those soft lips.

“I know.” Hanbin says with a smile before pushing him away gently. “Go to work. I’ll be here when you get back.”

He doesn’t bother hiding his sigh as he picks up his backpack. Every step outside their apartment door is harder than the one before it. He looks at Hanbin leaning against the doorframe in that old disneyland t-shirt, his hair is a mess, cheek flushed and there’s some kind of wistful bittersweet look on his face.

He loves him more than he loves his entire life.

It’s a crazy thought that he’d only read about or seen in movies, believing for all these years that they were unrealistic, impossible and overdramatic….until now.

“Don’t do anything stupid!” He shouts from down the corridor.

“Can’t anyway. My stupid is going to Japan!” Hanbin shouts back.

****

It’s weird.

Too many years spent on a diet of Linklater movies, Murakami books and songs about longing has got him expecting something that never comes. He expected to feel some big gaping hole when Jiwon left for the airport but he doesn’t.

Of course he misses him. He misses him a lot.

But that hollow melancholy that he felt when they broke up isn’t there. Which is good he supposes, he doesn’t want that feeling back. Ever.

It doesn’t really feel like Jiwon went anywhere though. He’s been gone for barely 20 minutes before the first of the texts come. It makes him smile like an idiot.

[did we pack snoopy?xj]

[Yeah we did. He’s in there. Don’t worry. hx]

He thought it’d end there until Jiwon lands in Japan but there’s another buzz of his phone after a few minutes.

[did we pack my passport?]

[YES omg]

[did we pack the killr bees]

[Yes. We packed everything you wanted. Stop asking me. Lol.]

[im bored.]

[Its been like 20 minutes.]

[Yeah I kno. Then we have to wt at the airprt]

[Your life is so hard. Poor baby.]

[Haha am I your baby now?]

[Idk, I have to check with my boyfriend]

[Wts he like]

[Better than you]

[wll thats rude]

[Talk to me when you have a record deal]

[its ok, gt my own bf. hes not as good as u tho]

[You can’t even pretend in texts?]

[haha nope. Can’t pretend like ur not the best]

[You need to get out more]

[nah, got u now. im nevr leavng]

It’s just a few words, full of typos, but it still makes his stomach drop.

[But what should we do about my boyfriend?]

[idk get a biggr bed haha]

[JIWON]

[WHAT]

[!!!]

[im kiddin! you gotta be crazy if u think im gonna share you]

[hey we’re here, hve to go. talk later.]

[love you baby xj]

[Have a safe flight. Love you too.xhx]

The smile doesn’t leave his face. Not for the entire time he makes dinner for himself. It’s only when he sits down at their table that he feels it, the hollow emptiness of the chair next to him, the off-balanced quietness of the apartment, the way there’s only one plate on the table. He looks at his phone but the screen is still black. He can’t even send a message, Jiwon would be in the middle of his flight.

The rest of the night isn’t much better. Even when he knows Jiwon has landed, there’s no texts. Maybe he was just busy.

He cleans up alone. Showers alone. Gets into an empty bed alone. And there’s still no message.

[Hey I’m going to bed now. Hope you’re okay over there. xh]

He doesn’t really sleep though. He can hear the traffic outside his window and it was always weirdly comforting to him, something to do with the mundaness of life continuing on regardless of how bad his day is. But it’s not working tonight, maybe it was only comforting listening to that sound when he had Jiwon’s warm body next to him.

It’s 1:30am when his dark room lights up from a text on his phone.

[are u still awake]

[Yeah?]

He expects another text marathon but Jiwon ends up calling.

“Hi baby.” Jiwon’s voice sounds rough, exhausted and muffled, like half of his face is against a pillow. “You okay to talk?”

“Yeah.” He’s not sure why it makes him sad that Jiwon has to even ask.

“Sorry I didn’t message or call. Jin got pissed that I was on the phone so much and just took it. He wanted to pack all this stuff into our schedule before Christmas. We just got back from this dinner with a bunch of Japanese rappers. I’m never drinking again.”

He laughs to cover up his paranoia. “Yeah? Did you have a good time?”

Jiwon groans in pain. “I think there should be an age limit on alcohol.”

“There is.”

“It should be like, 30.”

He laughs for real this time. “What happened? Did you do something stupid?”

“No!”

“Didn’t dislocate any jaws today?”

“No, I did not.” Jiwon says bitterly. “We just did a few shots. I’m gonna be so hungover tomorrow and that’s when we’re meeting Doc.”

His ears perk up at that and a shiver runs down his spine. “Who?”

“Doc McKinney. That’s the producer they want to get for my album. Which isn’t even half written by the way, I don’t get why they’re-”

“Wait. Doc McKinney? The american producer?”

“Yeah? You know him?”

“YES.”

“Tablo met him at some company event last month. Thank god he can speak English. They think it’ll be good promo to have a big shot producer on my album but why the hell would he want to work with a no name?” Jiwon laughs then. “Imagine what’s going on in his head. From the Weeknd to me. What a joke.”

“It’s not a joke.” He says firmly. “You’re good on your own but if you got him on your debut Jiwon….that would be crazy.”

“Yeah I know. I’m not gonna put much into it though. We got Tablo, that’s enough.”

Out of the two of them, he doesn’t know how he ended up being the more ambitious one when all the talent was with Jiwon.

“Still try though, right? You never know where it’ll go. It’s always good to make some contacts in the music business. He might be handy when you get into the US market.”

Jiwon snorts down the phone line. “US market? Are you tripping? I’m not even in the Korean market.”

“You should aim high.” He says, smiling at the dark ceiling. “You have the talent and personality for it.”

“I love talking to you. My ego grows like three sizes bigger every time.”

“Good.”

“Hey you know what else grows three sizes bigger?”

He groans at Jiwon’s lame line. “Seriously? That’s how you’re going to change the topic?”

“Yep. That’s how I’m gonna do it.” Jiwon says, words getting more and more slurred. “What are you wearing?”

“Wait. Do you have your own room?”

There’s a bark of laughter down the line. “Yeah, I do. I’m not that much of freak Hanbin. I’m not you.”

He goes red, even though nobody can see him. “I have never done it in a room full of other people! What are you talking about?!”

“I mean, you like it when you think you might get caught.”

He stays silent, trying to think of an answer that doesn’t self-sabotage or reveal any of his other kinks.

“Am I right?” Jiwon asks with a chuckle. “I am, aren’t I? You are so loud. Remember that time in the carpark? I get so hard whenever I think about it.”

Of course he remembers that night. He remembers it so vividly that he can still smell the sweat on Jiwon’s skin, the hunger in his eyes and the way he always comes with that deep growl.

“Baby? You still there?”

His hand was already wandering down between his legs. “Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just….”

“…thinking about it?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. What are you wearing?”

“Puppy pyjamas?”

Jiwon groans. “Why do you have to be so fucking cute at a time like this?!”

“You asked! What are you wearing?”

“Snoopy.”

He laughs. “Well, why do you have to be so fucking cute too?”

“Snoopy smells like you.”

His hand stops in its track. His stomach does that nervous flip again.

“Jiwon….”

“Yeah yeah, I know. I’m supposed to be nasty and talk about how much I want to fuck you right now. But here I am telling you that I took your stupid t-shirt to Japan just so I can pretend I’m sleeping with you. Fuck!” Jiwon laughs at his own ridiculousness. “I can’t even do phone sex right.”

He waits until his breathing sounds normal again. “I….really want to fly over there. Like, right now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Miss me?”

“Yeah, I really do. It sucks being in this bed without you.”

“Well, it sucks being in another country without you. God, how lame are we? It hasn’t even been 24 hours.” Jiwon says in exhaustion before yawning. “My body is so confused right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t know if it’s awake or asleep. I’m half hard but half not. I really need to come but I’m too tired. And I miss you, so I’m sad, but I’m talking to you right now, so I’m kinda not.”

“You’re a mess.” He says with a chuckle, wanting to reach through the phone line to pull Jiwon into their bed. “What you need is sleep. Big day tomorrow.”

“I can’t sleep though! My dick is waiting for me to do something.”

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t know? Do it with me?”

He kicks his blankets off and throws the puppy pyjamas on the ground. He knew this was coming. “Take your pants off. And Snoopy too.”

“….Okay.”

He waits for the rustling on the other end to stop before talking again.

“I want to hear you touching yourself. Can you do that? I want to hear all those noises you make.”

“Fuck…..you sound so hot talking like this.” Jiwon says. “I’m so hard right now.”

“Good. What are you thinking about?”

“What your mouth feels like. I wish it was here with me.”

“Just my mouth?” He laughs. ‘What would you do with the rest of me?”

There’s a soft muffled sound, like Jiwon was rolling over in bed. “Mmm, no. I wanna hear what you wanna do.”

He’s stroking himself with a faster rhythm now and as much as the words always make him cringe, he’s so turned on and out of his mind that it’s like someone else just took over.

“I kind of…..want you to fuck me backstage after one of your shows.”

There’s a deep moan through the phone’s static. “Keep going, babe.”

“Sometimes I watch you on stage and you’re so sweaty and aggressive. I always wanted to pull you behind the curtains and lick all that sweat off you.”

“Mmmhmm. Then what?”

“Then you’d push me on the ground and I’d complain that my knees hurt. But you wouldn’t care. You’d hold my jaw and make me open my mouth just so you can fuck into it until I’m gagging and begging you to stop.”

“Keep going keep going….I’m so close…”

His hand is so wet now and he can hear Jiwon’s erratic breathing through the phone.

“I wouldn’t want you to stop though. I want it to hurt. I want to taste you when you cum in my mouth and when you’re done, I want you to fuck me and fill me up so much that it drips down my legs…”

There’s a strained ‘fuck!’ through the phone line followed by that familiar raspy growl and whispers of his name. His own head is full of flashbacks of that night in the carpark, he remembers Jiwon’s eyes as he pushed in, so deep and slow that the stretch made him want to scream. It was an overwhelming mix of desperation, aggression and possession. It’s that memory that makes him close his eyes now and cum all over his hand with a drawn out moan.

There’s a few seconds of silence where all he can hear is their breathing but suddenly Jiwon starts laughing.

“What?!”

“Nothing nothing. I was just thinking of how much trouble you’re gonna be in when I come home.”

He smiles in the darkness, sweaty and aching everywhere. How the hell are they going to handle three days apart?

Soundtrack: July - Kris

#cwac stuff #cwac re- uploads #the original chpt got flagged #tumblr is reviewing the original post #this is a temporary post until the issue is resolved

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prcmctheus · 6 years

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hurricane katrina ?? more like hurrican tortilla .. am i rite ?? dnajdsl i’m over trying to seem cool 4 u guys to read these hot messes bc we all know it’s just gonna be me rambling nonsense but i need validation bc im a messy b*tch so luv me and my hipster trash son bowie

! ✰ ° — [ RAMI MALEK, CISMALE, HE/HIM ] bowie abaza, aka agent galileo is a thirty-six year old biomedical agent that has been loyal to mercy for three years. they have a reputation of being the savant because they can be steadfast & amicable. but let’s not forget they’re pretty blasé & fastidious. if you listen closely you can hear sunday morning by maroon 5 whenever they walk past.

STATISTICS:

full name: bowie abraxas abaza nicknames: just bowie yo hometown: cairo, egypt gender: cismale sexuality: pansexual / panromantic spoken languages: masri ( egyptian arabic ), arabic, english, german & spanish hogwarts house: he’s a hoe ass ravenclaw y’all , caries around sudoko puzzles tattoos: bc i’m weak and idc if this is a feminine aRM he has this rose tattoo on his right arm

BACKSTORY:

so ya Mans bowie abraxas abaza was born and raised in cairo, egypt up until he was 6 years old but moved around A LOT bc his mom is fickle and tbh bowie never really minded bc his a World Traveler by the time college rolls around .. he hasn’t been in a place for long and he doesn’t mind it bc he;s a bit of a wandering spirit or vagabond if u will

but yeah his mom didn’t really come from money but his dad was pretty well off ?? he was an accountant in cairo bc it was a family thing that the men followed suit in and his dad was set to marry this woman bc their families were close but his dad was like lmao thx but no thx and ran off with his teenage sweetheart who also happened to be his neighbor but u can thank his moms deep love of david bowie for his name

i say ran off but lit he dipped 30 mins away to the house he bought jdsbfajf sOOO bowie chills with his parents in cairo until he’s 6 until his mom says she wants to move them to prague and asks bowie for his insight and in his 6 year old wisdom he’s like uHhh yeah sure why not .. u know as a parent does in big life decisions

but bowie def takes more after his mom in the sense of being p easy going and goes with the flow ?? chilled out most of the time and hardly ever raises his voice or loses his temper ?? hates confrontation and would much rather avoid it all costs nflksdj so u gotta do smth Wild for him to show frustration

he doesn’t take things too seriously or get too attached bc of how much moving he did as a kid ,, which u think his dad would be like nyla pls .. let me have a steady job but he is Whipped and grossly in love but to be fair ,, they both are and bowie hasn’t ever seen a couple more in love after so many years than his parents so it warms his heart a bit

it’s when they’re in prague that his mom gives birth to his younger sister safia ( i have jade thirlwall for a potential wc .. someday maybe idk ) and bowie actually adores his sister ?? thinks she hung the stars in the sky and would Die for her .. until she becomes a teenager and he’s like safia i s2g i will nerf u,, as any brother but he still luvs her

until he’s 15 he bounces around from prague to budapest to moscow before his parents make The Move to san franscisco, california and that’s the last move the abaza clan make just to spare bowie and safia from falling back even further in schooling and bowie was like .. mom pls chill out

bowie did exceptionally well in high school and was the jerk who was just naturally smart and didn’t have to study much bc it just came easy to him ,, HUGE HIPSTER TRASH im not even sorry ,, likes to smoke weed and hates beer but is a wine hoe .. wears hawaiian button downs unironically, ripped skinny jeans .. big fan of chelsea boots and slip on vans and leather jackets and that still transfers over to his style now

gets along with p much anyone ?? was in the robotics club in high school, on the deans list but weaved between the cliques with ease and probably bc of how chill and down to earth he was ,, helped people out with tutoring n such and just stayed in his own lane

on his 18th birthday he got a giant rose tattoo on his right arm much to the horror of his dad jdfaljk but and he’s v proud of it and has an urge to get a sleeve but now working for Governmental peeps , he mainly wears long sleeve shirts and is wary of mercy’s stance and doesn’t wanna ask

a bit non commital in terms of Relationships ,, v sexually liberal and v pansexual / panromantic and hasn’t even really settled down just bc he feels like he doesn’t wanna settle down into things and make them so serious ?? so he’s just big into the hookup scene but he ain’t the type to dip first thing when he wakes up .. likes to chill and lay in bed and maybe go get some breakfast w u

becoming a doctor was a last minute whim bc he wanted to do engineering but changed his mind and applied to john hopkins for pre-med bc i hate him and he figures why not ?? ya mans gets an early admission and he’s v proud of himself and parents cry bc they're proud of their boy and what he's achieved even with all their moving around !! im emo thinking about it now bye

lit his bachelor’s and then med school . bowie runs on caffeine, multiple existential crises and the determination of elle woods and time flies and he’s 26 and graduates john hopkins med school summa cum laude after internships n such and ya bOY IS SWAGGY !! secures his residency and is living life as a trauma surgeon back in san francisco for a bit before he gets into contact with mercy and bc he's impulsive as fuck he’s the meme of the hand slapping the button that says nUT

accurate representation of bowie jdnfls so he’s been chilling as a biomedical agent for mercy for three years and finds it more thrilling than a trauma surgeon ?? liked being on but there’s something more to being at mercy that while he enjoyed saving lives , he feels a greater purpose at mercy

p much the middle ground between fitz and misha bc he’s just Chill , kjsdkl that’s the best way i can conjure up thots bc he’s easy going and talks to most people and doesn’t rise up to frustration and just offers solutions and is Unimpressed when field agents try to act tough like calm down chad ur gonna bleed out so shut up and come over here

chose his agent name as galileo bc he’s a science Nerd and i hate him

#mhq.intro #i just wanna get this demon out here for the event #do i know how medical residencies and training go #no but we out here at 2:45am so dont @ m #e #or pls bc kind if u do

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wellntruly · 8 years

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Star Trek: DS9 Notes - S5, Vol. 5

Back on track with the five-packs of reacts!

Naw just kidding there’s an extra bonus half-round in here, hahahaha

Alright.

5x17 ‘A Simple Investigation’ - these are the most blasé heavies I have ever seen. this feels….Gaiman, somehow? idk why - SOMETIMES, I JUST GOTTA GET REAL HIGH KEY ABOUT THE FACT THAT AN ESTABLISHED COMMUNAL PASTIME ON THIS STATION IS PLAYING INTRICATE FANTASY DRESS-UP GAMES TOGETHER. I LOVE YOU LARPERS SOOOO MUUUUCH. - Jadzia: “What parts do we get to play?” Julian: “Well you get to play Lady Wantsomore, a beautiful socialite who’s brainwashed to assassinate the Queen of England.” Jadzia: “Ooooo somebody stop me!” I JUST - wait, oh fuck me it’s one of Julian’s Bond programs, he’s brought his friends into it now, oh -- fantastic. ah, lol, he’d gotten it from his buddy “Felix”, good ref - ohhhhh my god Julian has Miles play Falcon to his Agent Bashir every time, are you KIDDING ME. ARE YOU. - Miles: “I’m tired of being the bad guy.” Jadzia, sly: “But you do it so well.”

in the version of this episode where this is the A-plot, the ep is titled ‘A Token Resistance’

- a) I suggest Kira play Odo’s part, b) oh Odo what’s up my smooth-faced friend! - being observant is conceivably one of the most attractive qualities a person could have for Odo - BEDROOM EYES? - do not tell Nerys about the bedroom eyes comment - welp, you did - oh my god that actually ended up going so cute - WHAT the frick is this thing in her neck! a “dataport”?? - is she a cyborg of sorts? - Arissa: “He’s not here.” Odo: “Oh yes he is — what’s left of him.” see, if you were playing Bashir’s new interact spy flick, you could be saying shit like this every few minutes - I don’t trust this daughter story at all tbh - I am gratified that Odo also totally suspects her - Arissa: “I didn’t realize I tripped an alarm.” Odo: “You didn’t. You’re good.” Arissa: “I still got caught.” Odo: “I’ve been following you.” Arissa: “I didn’t know.” Odo: “I’m good too.” actually we’ve looped back around to the Real you two maybe making a good match - oh god, I’m an idiot — Odo IS in his own Bond story! hahaha - The Orion Syndicate! back in the plot - “I don’t have a heart.” another way Odo is the Spock of DS9 is in his charming/devastating literalness

you can call this snack “hasperat”, but I’m pretty sure they’re microwave burritos

- “Mm spicy.” I rest my case. - Odo’s quarters are SO WEIRD, I love them. I love how they register as non-human in some way you can’t quite put your finger on. because it’s more than just the random objects d’art, it’s in the way they’re placed in the room. an alien mind did this. - WHOA, like digital mind-prostitution? dang DS9 - you’re lying again, aren’t you! - oh shit, holo-babe, that going in for a kiss and then just biting the air in front of someone’s mouth thing is A MOVE AND A HALF - oh my god, [drags hands down face]….Odo has come to Julian for seduction advice hasn’t he. oh this is gonna be good. - Julian: “AaAAhh! This is about Bedroom Eyes isn’t it!” Odo: “Who told you about her? Kira?” Julian: “Nope.” Odo: “Dax?” Julian: “Actually it was Miles.” y’know, while Dax is the first and busiest stop on the Deep Space 9 Information Conduit, kinda all roads lead to Julian? Dax will tell him things because he can always be counted on for a cartoon character reaction, Miles will tell him things because they’re best mates, Garak will tell him things that aren’t even real…. - Julian: “You can’t go through life trying to avoid getting a broken heart. If you do, it’ll break from loneliness anyway. So you might as well take a chance. If you don’t, she’ll move on, and you’ll never know what you might have had. And living with that is worse than having a broken heart.”

“Go For It — that’s what I do! except for when I don’t and it haunts me forever” - Julian goddamn Bashir

- Julian, carelessly out the car window: “We’re nearly finished, darling.” Miles, putting a gun to his head and growling enthusiastically: “Car trouble, Mr. Bashir?” also Miles, cheery: “Hi Odo!” Julian: [BETRAYED] hahaha see I knew you loved this, Miles. it’s just getting to tease and hassle Julian in increasingly outrageous ways: your own fantasy - omg, ODO DID THE DO - wait, did I miss Odo’s ~maybe sexual~ experience on his home world?? or is that just how he’s describing being in the Great Link - nope, nope it was something other than the Great Link! hot damn

anyway Odo’s A-plot is still its own Bond story

- they should just change the name of Ops to Dax’s Gossip Terminal - Worf: [complaining] Dax: “Don’t shout across the room. If you want to gossip with us, then come down here.” ILU - Sisko: “A woman?! That’s niiice.” lol, Ben - oh my GAWD, she’s a full on intelligence agent!!! SHE WAS BOND ALL ALONG. to quote Sisko: niiice - oh no she didn’t knoooww. oh it’s like what the Cardassians tried to convince Kira had been done to her, eesh - “It’s not your fault. I fell in love with a woman who never really existed.” oh Odo :( - Spy Girl: “She did exist. She was real. And she loved you.” awww

5x18 ‘Business As Usual’ - listen --- [chewing on an orangette] I’m just watching the baby B-plot @rainbowrites described and skipping the melodramatic Quark The Arms Dealer story, I don’t even care - had I missed that the O’Brien baby’s name is Yoshi?! ADORABLE - Villix Pran (and his hatchlings) is my favorite named character who has never appeared. also I love Jake Sisko: Station Babysitter - wait his name is Kirayoshi — as in KIRA?? OMGOSH I’M LOSING MY MIND OVER THIS WEIRD WONDERFUL LITTLE SPACE FAMILY <3

hold on up now

- yaaasssss O’Brien’s taking his baby with him to work! Progressive Workplace Deep Space 9 - oh, oh shit yes, one of my favorite conceits ever is when a character explains circumstances of their lives and acquaintances to an infant who can’t understand them, openly in front of said acquaintances - Julian, in this hilarious genuinely awed whisper: “That’s amazing.” - hahaha, Miles like oh, just wait

Julian is suddenly rethinking his No Kids position

- Julian: “There’s nothing medically wrong with him.” Miles: “Well what are you telling me, my baby’s just sad?” Julian: “Perhaps he’s become prematurely aware of life’s existential isolation.” OKAY, what, no, no listen! I have a real life doctor friend who, once when we were at undergrad together, was explaining why he didn’t think he wanted to go into pediatrics, and he LIT SAID: “I think I’d just be like, [monotone] ‘Oh, baby. Life is full of so many horrors that you just don’t understand.’” oh my god??!!! bahahahahaha

like I have no idea what’s going on in the rest of this episode, but the B-plot is WON-DER-FUL

- the ENTIRETY of Ops has moved over to gather around this railing and smile down at Kirayoshi. oh humanoids :) - oh please tell me Bebe O’Brien is gonna LOVE WORF

what

What

yaayayayay

these notes are just 40% screencaps of DS9 men caring for a baby. *le shrug*

5x19 ‘Ties of Blood and Water’ - yaaayy Nerys’ adopted Cardassian Opposition Dad is coming over! love that whoole deal - Worf: “Cardassian politics are complex.” you said it buddy - Tekeny has literally told her she can call him father, oh my gaawwd

- she wears a bracelet he gave her, I just! - whoa whoa, 26-hour a day computer access? are the DS9 days 26 hours??? tell me everything - oh honey, he’s dying, don’t you see?

my habit of keeping half an eye on the credits indicates that SOMETHING is frickin a-happenin. is he like…a time traveler? immortal?? and most importantly: will I ever not want to promptly leave a room he’s in

- oh great here comes Gul Fuckoff - Sisko: “Still calling yourself Gul. I’m surprised you haven’t promoted yourself back to Legate by now.” THANK YOU. Thank you. - well you can’t have Cardassian Opposition Dad back, so there - omg wait Sisko’s response was gold: “I will take your request under advisement. But considering the Federation doesn’t recognize your government, and that Cardassia has never agreed to an extradition treaty with Bajor or the Federation, [grin] you shouldn’t get your hopes up. [blips off Space Skype]” SISKO OUT - Tekeny is now holding Kirayoshi, oh my heart - wait I love that Cardassians gossip about Major Kira’s feud with Kai Winn

this is the cutest thing

- ok I am zero percent surprised that dying Cardassians give their secrets to their family to use against their enemies - “Be my daughter one last time.” - ohhh, flashback to Nerys’ actual dad dying :( - have I mentioned how I enjoy the predominance of reddish or tawny hair among Bajorans. they are such an Autumn people. - Tekeny’s intel is already excellent. Dukat’s most powerful enemy? tell me about him. What Is Up. - they sure have done a bang-up job making Nerys look worn out

Ben’s skeptical reaction to seeing Weyoun again makes me feel even closer to him

- Dukat: “This is one of my Dominion advisors, Weyoun.” Sisko: “We’ve met. I saw you die.” Sisko: “so like what the fuck” - oh the fuck is this: THE VORTA ARE JUST A BUNCH OF LINES OF CLONES. pls tell me there are like, max 100 distinct Vorta, that’s the kind of weird sci-fi shit I could be into. - omg Nerys’ proud little squinty nod-smile at her Cardassian dad standing up to them, omg she’s petting his hair - Quark: “You look terrible. Not that I mind, I like my women a little rumpled.” Kira: “Quark just get me my drink.” - aww and he brings her something to help her sleep! gee - Dukat: “Major. Sorry to disturb you.” Kira: “Sorry enough to leave?” she’s just the best - HOW many times will Cardassians directly admit to getting “perverse pleasure” out of something, a thing I said off-hand about Garak so long ago!!! - GASP. NERYS JUST THREW A TEACUP STRAIGHT INTO DUKAT’S HEAD SO HARD IT BROKE. HOLY FRICK!! - what I love about Nerys is that she gets So Angry, but she will Not Hide From The Truth. and that’s what makes her angry, because man, the truth is so often enraging. and she chooses to live with that. god she’s so strong. - Weyoun giggling delightedly at the Dabo table is the best thing he’s done so far, by far - hahahaha, Sisko is such a bamf - Weyoun: “Ho ho ho ho! How delightful! Oh the mysterious plots, the subtle innuendo, the veiled threats and insults, it’s all so entertaining. [reaches brightly over and just downs the whole glass of poisoned kanar]” WHEN DID YOU TURN INTO Q, WHAT. - the Vorta are immune to most forms of poison, because of course they are.

well now I do get the Weyoun thing. this clone though, just this one. the manic sugary immoral wildcard one.

- remember that time I proposed that Nerys could never ever tolerate someone she can’t trust? yeah. guess what. - death is hard. death is so hard, and she left her dying father to go seek vengeance on the Cardassians who shot him. oh my god. and now she’s leaving Tekeny. - oh gracious wait, is Julian’s capacity to be sociable with even the untrustworthy sorts part of what makes him such a good doctor? wow probably! - this is the most profound difference between them I bet, because where Julian has latched on to his high executive functioning to compartmentalize his entire existence, everything is interconnected with Nerys. it all bleeds together for her, her faith and her moral compass and her passions are all swirled into a wellspring that makes Kira Nerys, and so it’s all personal. - oh hey look at this --- last scene: Julian: “Major please. It’s almost over. There’s no more questions to be asked, no more work to be done. Just go to his quarters and sit with him.” and now in the flashback: Furel: “Would you like me to call everyone together? Have Prylar Quen say a few words?” Nerys, digging her father’s grave: “There’s nothing left to say.” sometimes that’s ok. sometimes you just need to bear witness. - she came to be with her second dying dad, of course she did, good for you — this will actually be very good for you

oh honey

- Nerys: “I missed my father’s death by less than hour, did you know that?” god - god and she’s facing the truth of it now! like she always does, even though it makes everything so hard - “I owed it to him. I owed it to my father. To get it right this time.” that’s all we can try to do - jfc, Dukat and Weyoun’s “a small problem” is DS9’s “alternative facts” - I LOVE that every one of Sisko’s lines to Dukat this episode not-so-secretly start out with an unspoken “WELL TOO BAD” - Nerys buried Tekeny next to her father. I got goosebumps.

5x21 ‘Soldiers of the Empire’ - Dr. McCoy would be so proud of Dr. Bashir here, yelling at his fool patient to stop endangering his life

did you learn them in the prison camp, a fact about your relaysh I am just now remembering

- Martok, leaving: “Doctor — [turns back] Thank you.” Bashir: “If you really want to thank me, don’t walk in here dripping blood anymore. It takes days to get it out of the carpet!” Both: [start chuckling] Prison Buds - Nog trying to cheerfully and respectfully “slip by” these two giant Klingon warriors standing in his way in the corridor is some choice comedy - hey you two, be aware: if Julian finds out it was WORF who injured Martok, he’s gonna be DOUBLE MAD - I just love that Martok loves Worf, that is literally my favorite thing about Martok - Worf is matter-of-factly explaining the time he thought the “only way out” was to let the Jem’Hadar guards kill him in battle, oh my GUY - tova’dok: a moment of clarity between warriors on the battlefield. I’m so into it. - no I can totally understand Worf, this sounds llke a beautiful warrior bro moment - heheheh, I love when people go “Qapla!” at each other - oh yay everyone has to pick up Worf’s duties while he’s gone, good story potential, good job - Miles just snorted so hard to learn Julian is the new intelligence officer, as DID I. this is your dream, Dr. Bond! - Miles: “Serving on a Klingon ship is like being with a gang of ancient sea pirates.” Meaney please tell me pirate stories forever, hopefully with the word “pirate” featuring as much as possible

oh shoot look at these guys

- that’s a necklace, of neck bones. meta(l) - Worf: “Jadzia…I think it would be better if we part company here on the station.” Jadzia: “Oh I’m coming with you.” that’s my girl - Worf: “Why did you not tell me.” Jadzia: “It’s more fun this way.” that’s my girl - oh YES, Dax is gonna make a fierce new ladyfriend - I love how theatrical and Shakespearean the Klingons are. - LOL THAT MAKES SENSE, AS SHAKESPEARE WAS A KLINGON, FAMOUSLY - this might be the first Majority Klingons scene I’ve genuinely enjoyed - aah now they’re singing! THE DWARVES OF SPACE - Dax just forcibly threw someone out of her seat

she brought THREE BARRELS of bloodwine aboard

- “It won’t last. This ship is made for tears, not laughter.” …..wait is this a pirate story - “This ship, and all the souls within its hull, are cursed.” FUCK IT IS - is a mutiny afoot?? - well Martok is uneasy about tangling Jem’Hadar given his history, that’s definitely part of what is going on here. I’d only believe this rationality explanation from a Vulcan. - Guls and Legates and Glinns, oh my! (actually I am legit excited to learn about Glinns. Legates are above Guls, are Glinns above Legates?) - hey the shouty pessimistic Klingon agrees with me about Martok and the Jem’Hadar! - Dax’s friend says she’ll have her back, I love it - a lot of speculation on the Jem’Hadar in this episode, like philosophically What Are They - well this hardcore dilemma was always looming - Klingon: “Today would be a bad day to die, Son of Mogh. Take your Trill and go.” Worf: [looks at Jadzia] Jadzia: [nods] Worf:

I am lol

- well actually, Worf I think getting stabbed by Martok will serve your ultimate purpose here - oh my god this was all his plan!!!! yeah you should love him for that, Jadzia!! - now they’re all siiinnnging, they’re so haaaapppy to go slaughter some duuudes

my first instinct was that he would be examining someone collapsed on the turbolift floor for some reason, but no, “all bent over” is apparently just the position Julian assumes to read iPads sometimes. oh wait but for reals though, I have now considered this for all of .5 seconds and know for certain I would make MANY jokes out of having these open lifts….. like if I were on this station I would constantly be in a new ridiculous stance as I slowly rose into view, oh no question.

- Miles: “How’s the intelligence business?” Julian: “Oh I can’t talk about it.” yer a natural - Julian: “….so I have to walk around this station feeling like I — you don’t really care, do you?” Miles: “Hm? No.” bffls - I don’t feel like we take enough advantage of the fact that Major Kira outranks O’Brien and Bashir. this thought brought to you by O’Brien calling her “Sir” - man, Martok’s gonna love Worf even more now - omg is Martok ADOPTING HIM INTO HIS HOUSE? HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH

5x22 ‘Children of Time’ - I’m already so intrigued because no one’s description hinted at what this Netflix summary is offering, which is Kira getting DUPLICATED by some weird energy barrier - welp, there goes Nerys’ latest absentee boyfriend [tiny victory fistpump]

btw I adore that on the Defiant, everyone drinks out of TRAVEL MUGS

this guy has an entire tray of them!

- Sisko: “Alright we’ll make a quick survey. But if all we detect is some fungus, we’re not beaming down.” bless - thanks, Dax, ya had to be Curious didn’t ya - hahahahaha, whaaaat the fuck, who are these cheerful stalkers - UNUSUAL. INTRIGUING. - lol it’s like real life face-morphing with your friends to see what your kids would look like. but Real Humans. - I mean the moral dilemma is immediately apparent: if they figure out how to successfully escape the barrier, all these people will disappear from existence - hey, question. where TOS was Pickles In Space, is DS9 Dilemmas In Space? and are those: the same thing? they are, never mind. - OH so New Dax is how they know all these facts about the current crew. like Sisko trying to cut back on raktajinos. because of course what’s critical info to retain is everyone’s current relationship with their space beverages, we know this. - they did a good job casting the O’Brien line - nooo Kira’s doomed in this timeline!! GET OUTTA HERE

the spaced out, faded Trill spots diluted over generations is a neat touch

- New Dax with the dilemma solution! you are a testament to your heritage - haha wait, Odo is just jelly-state for the whole rest of this episode? what a hilarious way to give René Auberjonais a week off - Julian, with that justifiably rare bizarro comforting-threatening voice: “Rest assured — you’ll be on my operating table, eventually.” why does anyone put up with you.

I was prepared for so much but it still feels inadequate for this episode so far

- it’s real Odo! wait, oh balls are Changelings immortal? why have I never considered that

oh no, oh jesus

- well apparently 200 years is how long it takes Odo to get it together and tell Nerys he loves her - yeesssssss, let Ben play with all the babies!!! THE MOST CUTE - the Sons of Mogh!! “Some by blood, some by choice. Our hearts are Klingon.” - this episode is fun - I love that Dax is functioning as her own ~Ask the Prophets If We Should Be Together~ test - Julian is So Proud of his doctor great great great whatever granddaughter, he’s telling Miles about her now too. Miles is like “yeah yeah, I’m glad you procreated.” - Julian: “Do you know who I ended up with after the crash? Angie Kirby.” Miles: “Who’s that?” Julian: “Yeah that’s what I said too….” hahaha - ok but how did Odo and Nerys get saddled with such a strange, awkward, dramatic side plot - listen I’m not into it. it’s creepy that Oldo is trying to convince her to give Original Odo a chance. - gasp. New Dax is trying to trick them into getting stuck! goddamnit - Sisko: “I’m not going to stand here and argue philosophy with you!” Ben I’ve got bad news about what show you’re on. - oh shit, yeah cause it’s Dax’s fault! aw man. this episode is not fun any more. - wow Sisko’s coming down hard against The Needs Of the Many Outweigh the Needs Of the Few - the Sons of Mogh just asked Worf to ritually kill them so they can die honorable deaths. everything is taking a turn. - y’know these episodes actually never quite work for me, because we KNOW they’re never gonna stay here — the show is called Deep Space Nine - I do like when Kira and Worf team up for Faith against ol practical pants O’Brien - Sisko: “I’m just listening to what everyone has to say.” O’Brien, a man who has built his life on understanding his COs perfectly: “Oh good so we’re not actually considering this.” Sisko, called out: “…No we’re not.” - I mean it’s a gesture? but it’s still odd to plant a field on your last day on the planet/this plane of existence? oh wait….no I’m coming around - I enjoy that O’Brien is the bellwether here, once he caves they’re all gonna fall in and choose to strand themselves here to save these people - well that’s no longer a hypothetical question, Oldo, because now you have said something, and things will be different

me rn wondering how the heck this is gonna shake out

- oh I bet New Dax changed your coordinates - Odo knows. this is so awk. - GASP. IT WAS OLDO WHO CHANGED THE FLIGHT PLAN. oh he would, oh totes. - oh my god this is such a problem for her!!! - in conclusion I had a lot of ups and downs in this episode. I don’t know how I feel.

To be continued!

[Tarra Treks] [Captain’s Logs]

#Tarra Treks #Captain's Logs #Star Trek DS9 #Star Trek

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luhkevin · 5 years

Text

Analog

I’m trying to get back into film photography this year but like many other things it doesn’t feel as fresh as the first time. I don’t feel as excited when I’m out and about taking photos, but maybe it’s just that I don’t feel settled yet in nyc. What remains, though, is the excitement of receiving the developed photos. Somehow the anticipation -- opening the email link, downloading a huge zip file, seeing all my pictures from weeks, months ago -- still gets me. I’ve been trying to find a cheaper film stock to use for more frequent photography, maybe even for a larger project. Portra is pretty expensive, and more than that, I feel bad wasting it on random street photography. It’s like taking really nice drawing paper and idk scribbling on it with some crayon. If I had easy access to a lot of lomo I would definitely use that for everyday shooting. It seems to have a more saturated look than portra, but I still like the colors. Ultramax and Superia 400 look the most “vintage” to me, and they’re also midtier price and quality-wise, so I think I’ll go with one of those. Plus, I like that “vintage” look. For black and white, I’ve only tried Acros and Ilford. Acros has this super creamy look, I absolutely love it, it’s beautiful. But it’s not available anymore, I could only find it in Japan, and I hear Fuji is discontinuing it and releasing a newer version. Ilford looks so legit, the grain is large and exquisite. I should try out Tmax and Tri-x, those are the professional ones. There’s this scene in Claire’s Camera where one of the characters talks about changing things through the power of looking at a picture, looking at a picture for a long time and really focusing on what’s in it. I think that’s what this entire process of analog photography has forced me into doing. After importing my latest pictures I’ll sit and stare at some of the other pictures in my library. I’ll reminisce on those outings or vacations where I took them, and maybe I’ll even remember exactly when I took a given picture. Tonight I was looking through some pictures I took when I was in Japan, April 2019. The first half of 2019 I was waiting for a lot of things, and compared to 2018 I stopped living life as fully. I was planning a move from sf to nyc which I tell people is because I got tired of sf and I wanted to be around more film culture, and that is true, but the catalyst was probably getting my heart kinda broken in taiwan and just wanting to start over somewhere. For a lot of reasons, a combination of taiwan, moving, job stuff slowing down, my friends in SF becoming more settled in their lives, I felt like my life was at a standstill in the first half of 2019, so I didn’t have the same lust for life as I did in 2018. I just did things to go through the motions.

I wasn’t super excited for Japan, I decided to go because it was the last major East Asian country that was on my mental list, and some close friends had gone the year before. Plus, I was going to Shanghai to visit relatives anyway, and I was going to leave the West Coast soon, so any future flights to East Asian countries would take much longer. I think what I’m getting at is that my reasons were more logical than emotional, which feels strange. I remember almost going to Berlin instead, which I had also almost done in 2016 as well, but that year I also went to Shanghai to visit relatives instead. Even though I got sick towards the end of my Japan trip, it still felt very relaxing. Again I think this is partly due to my purgatorial mood in early 2019. Everything felt very idle and I was in no hurry to do anything, I was just waiting for July to come, which is when I would move, and the six months until then were more or less throwaway. I didn’t make an effort to date, I was very blasé with any new people I met in San Francisco. I think all of my emotional energy went into some work stuff and into thinking about all of my friends that I would miss. I keep thinking about mid 2017 through the end of 2018 and I keep thinking about that quote apocryphally attributed to Lenin -- “There are decades where nothing happens and weeks where decades happen” -- and along with this I think about the first couple months of 2019 where sfmoma had a Jia retrospective. This period of a year + change were incredibly spiritual for me in a lot of different ways, and maybe that’s just rare, like really rare. It kind of all happened by accident too, I don’t think I consciously did anything to kickstart it all. I’m not really interested in tracing the cause-effect chain anyway...but I will say that momentum in life is a real thing. My 2018 was only so busy because once it got rolling I felt the need to keep it rolling. Here are some moments and periods of my life that I am comfortable sharing that have made me happy when I think about them... Protesting at SFO in early 2017 Coming home after long nights of drinking with smb Visiting my nyc friends, which I am now also a part of Christmas at home Shooting Two Apart Taiwan 2017 and 2018 The first day I arrived in Milan and saw my family and we went to the grocery store bought all this food and ate it Evenings @ Eureka, and I’d go home at approx 11 PM, then go to the bodega and get half a ham sandwich and a mac salad, then adorn the mac salad with freshly cracked black pepper and rock salt and eat it while watching TV The Jia retrospective, where I saw Platform on 35mm, spoke to Jia w/o addressing him in the honorific, got him to sign my book of his essays, saw a bunch more movies with two of my closest friends and cried during some of them too, and we would go out for hotpot or drypot after almost each screening The first couple times I went to sf photoworks after shooting film The month or so when k was living with us at nob hill and the three of us were hanging out more in general, and we would get wine, cheese and bread on Friday or Saturday, and I would eat the leftover cheese and bread and drink the leftover wine, which was cooled @ the perfect temperature of San Francisco Room Temperature. When I got my new camera and did some street photography at night with it and then met up with k and v at some cocktail place and we ended the night at dimple The first time we went to DNM Waking up every morning next to a huge bay window, facing south, rolling up the window and feeling the sun shine in. The 6 - 7 months when k started living with w and I would sit in the huge living in 1235 pine with just my clamp light on and I would be watching something by tsai or continuing west of the tracks, and I got really into slow cinema which colored how I perceived life in general

k’s pageant, specifically before and after it; before -- where I was watching a confucian confusion on my phone the entire time, and after -- where me and k and v went out for donuts at bob’s donuts after she had won miss social media, and she looked so happy and he looked so happy for her and I was very happy for her too boardgames in sunnyvale, especially that one time when I started making kimchi early in the morning and finished late at night after I got home, and in general I completely forgot all sense of time and reality whenever I was at boardgames Going to All Star Cafe early in the morning, where around 8 AM the sun would shine directly into the cafe and flood it with light, like almost half of the entire restaurant.

It takes time for a new home to feel like home because those feelings only come after distance and reflection. When I was living at AVA I felt really nostalgic for pine street, but I had the sense that I would feel nostalgic for AVA when I eventually moved out, and now I do. And when I move out of 12F I’ll probably be nostalgic for it too. And all of the routines that I’m currently constructing will fall into the above list too...

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garbageivereleasedintothevoid · 6 years

Text

01-17-19

Idk if I can do this. I'm so panicky. I feel like just going and killing myself right this instant. I feel so much all at once. My mind is absolutely racing. I forgot how awful this shit felt. I fucking crave death right now and I wish that was a goddamn exaggeration but it never has been and this is hell. My stream of consciousness is going WAAAAYYY faster than my fingers can type. In the span of fifteen fucking seconds I imagined a scenario where I went to the ER for suicidal ideation and they tried to make me go to cross pointe and I bolted and escaped. Why? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA AND I'M BREAKING

I feel like I'm a wind up toy that was wound up too tightly and just went for a while and then exploded. I just want to feel okay again. Fuck getting better. I just don't want this shit back.

Also Erin's mom is in the hospital and might have cancer because they found a tumor on her spine and she couldn't walk. SO THAT'S JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL. MY BEST FRIEND MIGHT LOSE THEIR FUCKING MOM WHILE I DRIVE OFF THE FUCKING DEEP END. HOW FUN! /S

Fr tho fuck this.

Don't think I told you this last time because I forgot but I had cut myself the night before our last appointment. I hate this. I fucking hate this so much. I just want to be normal or go away. I fucking hate myself so goddamn much. Why was I born a fuck up? Why am I such a drain on everyone? Why can't I just be like everyone else and not the freakish asshole piece of garbage that I am????

I never asked for any of this. I never asked to be born.

I hate myself. I hate me so much. Why can't I just be a normal person. Fuck everything.

I just called and cancelled that luzio appointment btw. I know I for sure won't be ready to deal with it next month so I'm not doing it. Maybe sometime in the future idk.

I'm a little calmer now. Idk. I feel like I'm just caged up rn. Maybe that's all of this or maybe that's because it's winter and I'm not going anywhere if I can help it idk. I just feel trapped. Trapped in a lot of different ways. Trapped in this apartment because I can't save up money to afford somewhere else. Trapped because if I didn't have Yoshi I legit would have gone to live in the woods already. And just rented motel rooms for the winter or stayed with friends. I 100% would have done that if not for him. I feel trapped in my own body and with my pain levels. And worst of all I feel trapped in my own mind. I'm having pretty much nonstop panic attacks for the past few days. It's fucking awful. I'm angry nonstop. I want to just be back to how things were again. Winter is always hard but comparative to how my summer was, this has been the worst winter since I moved out of my parents house.

This blog really is a chronicle of my descent into madness. My return, really. Fuck. Fuck this.

Maybe everyone would be better off if I just made them hate me and then I silently killed myself? Idk. That has always been my plan. Say some nasty baseless stuff and block them and tell them never to contact me again. Wait a few weeks and just do it. I'm pretty sure Sara would realize what was going on but she'd be unable to stop me. Sam would too but she has more freedom. She has a key to my house and no patient confidentiality to uphold.

I mostly just want to kill something/someone. Absolutely obliterate someone who makes me angry. Like physically beat the shit out of them. Not just call them horrible things and walk away. I want to personally remove Wally's face from his skull and pour bleach over it. I want to tie my father up and repeatedly push a scalding hot metal poker into his gut. And torment him psychologically with it. I want him to fucking suffer like he made me suffer. I want to fight Trevin one on one and pin him to the ground and bash his skull in.

I want to be an animal basically. I want to absolutely destroy my enemies. I feel like I'm a primal monster right now. I want to impale the severed heads of my enemies on a fence post as a warning to anyone who would try anything. A warning that lets them know I mean it. I want to kill and that's fucking terrifying.

I am not usually this blasé about taking the life of another. Normally I believe very much that I would feel remorse. Now... I'm not sure depending on who it was.

I'm frustrated because I'm pretty sure once you read this you'll probably want me to go inpatient but that's only gonna make things worse because they'll nonstop pressure me to start psych meds that won't do jackshit for me.

The "help" medical professionals always push on you is such a farce. I realize it's often like a liability thing but like fuck that. People with mental illness shouldn't be forced into a place where they're only gonna get treated either like a problem or like a baby who can't handle their own problems. Or both. I feel backed into a corner because you and Sara always want me to open up to y'all but like how do I do that without getting shoved into Brentwood or cross pointe??? Because the truth is a fucking liability and I feel like my freedom is being stripped from me every single time I do. At least with Sara, she knows me well enough to know when to back off. I get that you're trying but I can't open up if I tell you I want to die and that means you gotta get me sent back there.

People with mental illness aren't allowed free control of themselves. We aren't allowed to say no to being hospitalized. If I had cancer, I would be allowed to refuse treatment and die at home. But if I have suicidal ideation I'm forced into a place that makes it worse??? Fuck that and fuck anyone who supports that. This isn't just a me thing. I know people who won't go to therapy anymore because that happened to them and they're terrified of going back. They won't risk it. This shit kills more people than it could ever save. Also knowing you have to get naked in front of a nurse and a tech. How the fuck is that even legal??? The whole system is fucked up and therapists have to actively refuse to use parts of it in order to be able to actually help people without sending them into the pits of hell. They take all your shit and shove it in a locked box out of your reach so you can't use it. You're threatened with your insurance refusing to pay if you don't go to every single group and then what? Debt. Fuck that. So what do you do? Fake it. Fake your way out. Pretend your happy and they'll let you go. And for most people, that's easy as hell. We've been doing it our whole lives. I can't tell you how many times I faked my way outta cross pointe. Cross Pointe doesn't even try to care. They're like okay a happy label for you and have a nice life. Holy shit this post is long af.

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inspirationallyinsane · 6 years

Text

July 7 2018

Tumblr :) hi. I don't have much to write about. My life isn't too interesting really. But I'll try my best. Tomorrow should be an awesome day. I'm excited. I'm dropping my new song. I actually like it, I wasn't sure if it was going to turn out how I wanted it to but it did!!!! I think it's good. And I know that I will have ten million people tell me it's not as good as I think it is but you know what?? They can suck me. I like it. And I think that chocolate will like it ;) haha umm anyway. I haven't produced a new song in soooo long. It feels amazing. I forgot how it feels right after finishing a song. And you listen to it about a million times and you just. I made that!!! It's cool. I like creating. It makes me feel full. Even if it isn't perfect or what anyone wants it to be. It is mine. I'll post it on here and on my insta tomorrow. I also made my own cover art for this one because I had kinda a cool idea for it?? My mom thinks it is a bit too much and she is probably right but also? I don't care. It fits the song well. Lowkey scared someone is going to report it on insta tho. I don't show anything really so I don't know if it can be taken down. We shall see I guess :p Also!! Tomorrow I get to hang out with someone I haven't seen in a while. I'm looking forward to that. I think it's going to be a really funny thing. Life can be so crazy ya know?? Like you have to think, what if?? How weird. But uh, irregardless of what happens or whatever, it will be good to catch up and have a chat with an old (semi?) friend. I got a bunch of new clothes on the fourth of july. (most of) My fam went to the storage unit we have and I found these huge garbage sacks full of old clothes and I am so so happy. I found all of my dad's old shirts and they are so huge that I can wear them as dresses. I put a belt around the waist and they are adorable. My new fav outfits. They are also all collared and relatively long on me so I can wear them to work. It's lit. I found a lot of my old clothes from my early high school years too, which I got too fat for when I was a junior/senior but I can now fit into again. That's always exciting. And!!! My brother's old clothes from when he was a freshman which also fit me perfect. I love men's clothes. They're just better. I feel happier when I'm wearing men's stuff. It's nice. I was worried about finding room for everything in my apartment. Now that it is all clean and organized there is a part of me that really does not want any new stuff. I had to get rid of a lot of old stuff just to make everything fit as it was. But!! I got creative and cleaned out my kitchen cabinets which now are full of my new clothes, rather than old food. I didn't use them anyway. I always just buy the premade meals from Market of Choice. So. Whatever. Work is going well, but what is new?? I love my job. I say that a lot. We had this really annoying girl filling in/helping out over the last two weeks and admittedly it was nice to have another teller but I am so very very glad she is gone. Jesus. She would just start randomly yelling about nothing. In a bank. In the middle of the day. Completely sober. And also? She was pregnant, which is nbd to me, like good for you, you do you. But she drank a lot of coffee, like she was drinking coffee all day and I know you aren't supposed to when you are pregnant because it isn't good for the baby and she was so blasé about it. It made me really upset. I mean I never want to be pregnant, ever, never ever in one hundred thousand years, but! If I were?? I would do everything possible to make sure that everything is perfect for that child. Her doctor even told her to stop drinking coffee and she won't. It's just confusing to me. Especially since she wanted to have the baby. It's her second kid. Come on. Seeing uncaring parents makes me feel sad. I don't like it. Idk. And Ben, benadryl, my fav, is leaving soon. Which is going to suck ass for me. Honest to god he gets me through the day on Mondays and Fridays. He is one of the best people I have ever met. No lie. And he's just going to leave. What a fucko. But! Erika is (probably, hopefully) replacing him with another guy my age who she says is a lotttt like Ben. And maybe this Ben, Ben 2.0, will not have a girlfriend. That'd be rad af. Who knows really. And who cares. I like to complain that it is hard to meet people when I work so much or when I'm so focused on my own shit but that is not true. I get asked out all of the time. I could have ten boyfs right now if I so desired. But I don't. I think the real struggle is meeting someone who I actually like. It's one in a gd million out here. I am pretty hyped about the whole wife thing too rn which I know is super unhealthy but also?? Did y'all read my prose I wrote about her?? If that isn't the cutest shit in the whole entire world. I like to think that I will meet her and she'll never read that and then at our wedding I will read it to her and be like "I wrote this before I met you and I still feel every word of it" ya know??? Oml. Everyone would cry. It would be amazing. So romantic. I was actually talking to Ben the other day about this girl that I want to wife who comes into the bank on occasion. She is so cute and I know I will likely never ask her out (that is not true I think at some point she will do some cute shit, as she tends to do, and I will just do it but, nonetheless), and I was saying that I would write her poems that I'll never read to her and he was like !!! That's so romantic and yes!!!! It is. That is true af. I'm so romantic when it comes to girls. I think that I'm really into gender roles. And I know that isn't super popular nowadays but I just am. I like thinking about wifing a cute girl and I'd propose to her, and I'd go to work everyday and obviously, I'd be the one fucking her with my big purple strap on. Ya know?? And with a guy, I get to be romanced. I get to be proposed to and, well, I still wanna work but he would too. And I get to (have to?) be fucked. By his penis. Ya know?? That's how it goes. I like that to be how it goes. Idk. I'm not sure. I know I am sure about how I would like it to be with a girl but I guess I'm more open about relationship dynamics with guys? Who tf knows. I'm 19. I have time to figure it out. Perhaps. Anyway. I guess that is about all for now. I've been enjoying league a lot recently. I've played wayyy more this week than I usually do. It's an ARURF week. I have to. So. Imma go do that some more. Until next time Tumblr :)

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