#am I suborn enough to make it happen anyway?

[kaenith]

Winter's Delight (@fswintersdelight), day 26

Happy December! Hope everyone's been staying safe and warm (or safe and cool, if you're in the southern hemisphere!)

[ceescedasticity]

@tanoraqui regarding your AU idea:

Have some disconnected fragments!:

Jiang Yanli was very seriously injured, and very genuinely distraught, and people treating her like something breakable was not in any way new.

It took far too long to realize what was happening.

She asked them to reduce the pain medication they were giving her ahead of Jiang Cheng's next visit, so she could have a more coherent conversation with him. If anything they increased it, and she only dimly remembered an explanation that he was taking Jin Ling to see Lotus Pier.

She asked for perhaps some different robes than stark unornamented white — she had been widowed for over a year, now, and A-Ling was getting old enough she wanted to look less like a ghost when he saw her again. No different robes appeared.

She asked what options there were to get around, if as it seemed she would, at best, be unable to walk for a very long time. She was planning to perhaps steer things in the direction of 'Lotus Pier doesn't have nearly as many stairs'. But they brushed off the questions completely.

She asked for writing supplies so she could send her brother a letter. None were forthcoming.

Finally Jin Guangyao came in, and bowed most respectfully, and knelt by her couch to speak to her.

"Sect Leader Jiang will be visiting Koi Tower again soon," he said.

"There are some things you should understand before he does."

*

She was "mad with grief". Everyone knew this.

If anyone came to not know this, Jin Guangyao very carefully did not exactly say, things might not go well for her. Or for Jin Ling.

And yes, of course Sect Leader Jiang would react badly if his nephew or his sister died under Jin Sect's watch. One might say he would react… imprudently.

"You look terribly pale, Madam Jin. I've overtaxed you. I'm so sorry, I'll call your maid and your doctor immediately."

Fragment 2:

At first she wasn't expecting working on her cultivation to do more than fill up a few of the endless, endless hours. What does she care anyway, now, if she feels dizzy or has a few heart palpitations? No one is around to worry for her except her watcher-maids. Maybe it would give Jin Guangyao a scare.

But that didn't happen.

No dizziness, no shakiness, none of the worse symptoms that made even Madam Yu stop pushing her. Meditation isn't frightening anymore. She can work with her spiritual energy until exhaustion with a clear head and a steady pulse. If this keeps up for years… It's late for her to form a functional golden core, very late, but it's not out of the question.

Maybe the injury… knocked something loose, somehow.

Or maybe she should have tried cultivation while reclining with her feet up years ago.

She doesn't know whether she wants to laugh or cry.

She does neither, but keeps cultivating, month after month, year after year, closing her eyes and pretending she's dozing.

She doesn't know where her sword is now, and she never did much with it anyway, but it turns out with enough practice you can send spiritual energy into an embroidery needle.

Fragment 3:

Her company, little as it is, falls in three categories.

The first and largest is Jin Guangyao and his creatures. Her doctors. (Not the first doctor, she thinks — not the one who saved her life despite all expectations — but that woman died not even a year after Jiang Yanli was recovered enough to take any notice of doctors. The four since then have been, although surely not the most valued of tools or he wouldn't dispose of them so freely.) Her 'maids'. (And how she wishes she could trust the people she's forced to rely on to help her to the toilet.) Su Minshan.

Then there are the risks, those Jin Guangyao is concerned about and demands her cooperation in deceiving, whose visits he always monitors — her brother, mainly, and her son as a source of information to her brother. Madam Jin, until she died.

(She doesn't know which category Jin Guangshan would have fallen into, because he never appeared. She's not sorry to not have encountered him while helpless, and it makes no difference in the end, but she would have liked to know whether Jin Guangyao started this at his father's behest.)

And there are the ones he dismisses. Not on his side, but not threats.

This does not include the servants, for which she must give Jin Guangyao credit. Many men — and more than a few women, among them her mother and Madam Jin — would have made that mistake. No, any servant who spends more than a minute in Jiang Yanli's presence is working for Jin Guangyao first. (There is more overturn in staff than there was in Lotus Pier, before. She isn't sure whether things are just different in Lanling or if Jin Guangyao is disposing of them.)

It does include Nie Huaisang.

He sent her a painted fan 'to brighten her rooms' late in the first year when word got around that she was confined by 'illness'. It was not the only pity-gift she'd received in that period, and at the time it hadn't annoyed her any less than the others, but after she calmed down she did appreciate that it was painted only with aesthetically pleasing birds, without heavyhanded symbolism.

(If she's going to be cast as the hysterical madwoman anyway, she may as well throw a fit at anything… overly embellished with peonies. Keepsakes of Zixuan's may have peonies. Gifts from A-Ling may have peonies. Nothing else needs peonies.) (Lotuses are allowable, but she doesn't like getting those from absolutely everyone, either.)

He sent another fan a year or two later, a few months after his unexpected ascension to Sect Leader. —The gossip of the maids when the fan was delivered was in fact how she learned of Nie Mingue's death, as well as the general poor opinion of the new Sect Leader.

Not handling Chifeng-zun's death well, they tutted.

Not handling anything very well, they tittered.

Sect Leader Nie himself stumbles into her secluded courtyard a while after that, while Koi Tower is abuzz with Jin Guangyao's elevation to Chief Cultivator. Nie Huaisang flutters his fan and compliments the embroidery she is (supposedly) working on, and her maid isn't quite confident enough to try to chase out a Sect Leader, even one like this. Instead the maid stands by in increasingly thinly veiled annoyance as Nie Huaisang rambles on about his birds, and when Jiang Yanli suggests they could use some more tea she actually goes.

With the maid gone, she dares probe for more information about the outside world. "You're here for the ceremonies, then?"

"Well, yes, and," he ducks behind his fan, "also to ask San-ge's advice on a few things, I'm so over my head it's shameful, I really don't know what I'd do, he's such a help and support to me, it's almost hard to believe he killed my brother, I really rely on him."

His fan flutters, but his eyes eyes, watching her over the top of it, are rock-steady.

They shouldn't count on even a minute before the maid returns. Jiang Yanli wishes she could rise, could lean across the table and grab his hand. Her fingers twist in the embroidery instead. "Believe it," she says. "I'm sure he had something to do with his father's death, maybe Madam Jin's too, and he's threatened A-Ling, and I'm just here to keep my brother on a leash, and— You should believe it."

(That and was Qiongqi Path, and oh, she wants to include that — wants to say the architect of her imprisonment was also the author of her worst suffering. Wants to say he set up my husband to be killed by my brother. But he might not have meant to. He might have sent Jin Zixuan there simply to undercut Jin Zixun — to stop Jin Zixun, even. She will not condemn a man for things he didn't do. Just for how ruthlessly he exploited the opportunities they gave him.)

Nie Huaisang closes his eyes for a moment. "Thank you, Madam Jiang."

And then the maid is back and they can't say anything else of substance.

But she's been seen. Someone knows that if she's mad it's not from grief.

And while she can't have any kind of honest, meaningful correspondence, no one seems to care if she and Nie Huaisang exchange art. Just harmless amusements for two weak, grieving, helpless people.

(They are, slowly, working towards some degree of coded communication, but not having been able to discuss a key ever is making it very slow to start.)

...aaaaaaaaaaand I should really get back to my preexisting writing commitments but I am pretty sure by the time Wei Wuxian crashes in the door she’s ready to escort them out with a swarm of spiritual-power-infused embroidery needles. and probably she’s suborned Qin Su at some point.

[epixolon]

Hey so I started ORV about 2 weeks ago and I need to place down my feelings and I hope y’all appreciate it. Most of my predictions about immediate events turned out to be wrong, like they were through most of the novel, but some of the longer ranged ones might still be possible, and as you will read i haven’t edited these, so most of my stuff will be wrong, but I don’t much care, it’s stream of thought. Enjoy

Chapter 0-206

* Dokja will bookmark and use either Jonghyuk’s regression, or Nirvana’s reincarnation.

* Dokja will devour a constellation’s story in order to get their stigma, rather than go through the process of bookmarking it, with my personal guess being zeus and the lightning carnival since that’s been mentioned a bunch and he already has electrification.

* when the fourth wall has devoured things so far, dokja gets a better understanding of the being, so maybe if he devours a constellation like, say, zeus, he will gain a better understanding of the constellation to allow for bookmark

* Soon enough he’ll use unidentified wall to communicate with his allies, probably the underworld, maybe Uriel, definitely Jonghyuk and co. outside Seoul in an attempt to consolidate his power before the coming storm of the nebulae opposing him.

* Yoosung will find a way to be a sacrificial bastard like Dokja so she can upgrade her stigma from him by following his story.

* The fourth wall makes a lot of sense both as a representation of Dokja’s inner thoughts and subconscious, mostly seen as the ways that he’s been traumatized, such as with his mother, are when he becomes most like the fourth wall and the benefits are lost.

* The being inside the wall that his mother saw is unclear to me, i could maybe see the subconscious pride and confidence that he has with himself and the knowledge he possesses, but it could also be the author in some fashion, especially with that bit of advice he got in the outer god’s stomach

* The fourth wall is a great piece of writing for every reason possible, but also makes sense within the universe as to how it can do this stuff: we see everywhere that when a constellation wants to do something direct, it has to use up probability, and anyone that wishes to oppose its actions can use some of that probability as well such as with Kyorgius (I don’t remember how to spell his name, the tiny man), or even the outer god, and probability storms are when nobody will use this probability to oppose them, the universe sets the balance right. And so the fourth wall uses probability

* The fourth wall represents two things: 1. how probable is it that a book character can affect a reader? that’s unlikely right? even more so to be able to know the reader in some intimate fashion? and 2. we see sparks every time someone tries to read his mind/abilities. the fourth wall essentially absorbs that probability and stops the skill, and i think a similar thing happened with the unidentified wall as it seemed to be using a lot of probability to do anything and the fourth wall just took it all in “with a bigger spark”

* the unidentified wall i think will possibly become “identified” as something, either a definite thing straight from ways of survival, or it will be open to possibility like Heewon’s crouching figure, in which case i see like a 30% chance it is influenced by the fourth wall and becomes something similar to it

* I definitely think there’s a possibility the secret plotter is related to the author, and you see it much more when in a reread the constellation seems to occasionally hear his thoughts or potentially understand more about the situation than it should be able to, without being overboard obvious about knowing dokja’s attributes.

* ok and with it laughing when he forces down the fourth wall, like he could tell what happened, and when he was “snapping at the great old ones looking at you,” I’d say he’s pretty damn powerful, maybe even more than narrative grade, and maybe it’ll just be the christian god or the devil or whatever something, but it could also be the author i think

* As we’ve seen most clearly from Dokja’s use of the sword song of the maritime war god, but not Jihye’s ghost fleet, constellations can have multiple stigmas, so i at least am predicting Dokja will give the fourth wall or possibly character list, or maybe even a copy of the ways of survival text (i definitely don’t think she’ll get ORV or bookmark though, those are protagonist powers), as a stigma later on for Yoosung, but i def could be wrong about that.

* I think there’s a possibility Sooyoung will tell everyone that Dokja is a reader before he gets back, but i could see it not happening.

* when 41st Yoosung is born as a dokkaebi, i wonder if using her channel will break the contract he and Bihyoung have. i think he might switch over to the channel for his covert revolution actions at the very least, and just block channel access to the vedas and the other nebulae, and might switch over his scenarioing to the new channel entirely

* actually, when he was in Seoul, he said his contract was cancelled, so maybe he can stream with the both of them now, or even just 41st Yoosung

* i think there’s a possibility that Sooyoung actually did plagiarize the text, but just doesn’t remember, either because she’s becoming more like a character like the two prophets, because when the author deleted the text from the internet her mind got frazzled, or when she made her first clones, the memory of reading it went with it and got destroyed when the clone died

* the author in the first chapter said that their story won a contest, and while in retrospect it seems like a lie, i wonder if there’s the possibility that like with peace land, who’s author sold the setting, if the author wrote the story either without meaning to

* like if Sooyoung actually did just write her own story from a dream, maybe the author did the same and just got more of the dream enough to realize the coming reality of the story, and maybe the dream was them acting like actual prophets to the world before the constellations were going to show up anyway

* the debt/free service time mentioned by the dokkaebi in the beginning is interesting, and i wonder if the end of the scenarios is having enough coins to buy either the planetary system or even just more time of free service away from the constellations.

* Dokja might eventually get more attributes, maybe something like writer or fanfiction writer or revisionist to get new powers given the ways he’s changing the story, either something like avatar (or maybe he’ll just use bookmark for that) as a way to either die more or make a nebulae out of one constellation, or some bullshit reality bending power like writing is, or just like a more reliable use of the other constellations’ Deus Ex Machina to do anything he wants, with enough probability of course

* compounded because in his attributes window we see more skills ■’d out

* given Myungoh’s daughter, will Dokja be adopting a 4th child in the near future?

* maybe asmodeus wants to feed the 73rd demon king to his child

* do you think anyone we’ve met, maybe someone from the constellation banquet, has the ancient dragon’s heart we see Dokja looking at in the Ichthyosaurs’ stomach?

* does/will Dokja look very different from how he did previously because of the golden dragon heart (which based on the heart we’ve seen previously should give him a lot of regen and storage of his magic) and the arm? along with the rest of the broken pieces that became his ruined body that probably only vaguely resemble his face? and the demonic energy he had before and might have again, and maybe ending up as the 73rd demon king

* his face is apparently blurry to people, even with a new story on it, i wonder if he’ll lower the fourth wall to let people see him at some point

* Jihye mentioned that his face is blurry, but Gilyoung has mentioned that he looks fine, so to me that indicates it’s maybe the fourth wall

* do you think there will be any romance by the end? i get the Jonghyuk and Dokja romance implications, but at least as far as the Fate goes, it looked a lot more to me that Dokja’s true love was the love of a good story, and that he died from the story he told with his friends, that proof alone isn’t enough for romance to me, so i could see it ending with none, no romance at all and the story just ends with Dokja and his 7 adopted children.

* why are there 72 demon kings, but they’re in the 73rd demon realm and asmodeus has 32 realms under his control? is there a mistranslation or a misunderstanding going on or what?

* maybe asmodeus absorbs/devours/suborns any demon king that he can and just takes his land, and so he wants the 73rd realm

* could be related to the question of asmodeus’s child above

* i think destroy evil from samyeondang might come up in the demon realm

Chapter 207-214

* I love Uriel now I think, and Biyoo

* i wonder if Dokja can bookmark unidentified wall, or if Hayoung can learn bookmark

* I’m unsure if the revolutionary will end up being a bad person or not, because i think I might have a problem if Dokja just kills the revolutionary, but maybe they’ll sacrifice themselves, or die elsewhere, or maybe they can give it up willingly, idk

* i could see the end of the novel being all the star stream being destroyed, which means no dokkaebis and no stories, so the constellations start to die, and we either get a sad ending of Dokja dying as a constellation, or we get a nice one of him (and maybe some other nice constellations) surviving on Biyoo’s Bootleg, or maybe the same barstardry he pulls, with him doing another “I don’t die when I am killed” and coming back from death again

* I wonder if Hayoung and maybe Dokja will find/convince the 15 year old to allow/make a way for Sooyoung to keep her sanity while following the story, like maybe a new story for the constellation, idk

* ooh shit, Dokja having read the story is spreading, yoo sangah at least suspects, i wonder if everyone will know by the time he gets back

* it’d be a funny scene if Uriel notices Biyoo’s Bootleg and tells Jonghyuk about it to avoid the dokkaebi, and so they miss each other for a bit until Dokja does something stupid/self-sacrificing enough (maybe by a plan from the Duke) that Jonghyuk realizes it’s him and comes and saves him

* i had a dream the dokkaebi had british accents whenever they spoke, and the idea of a foul mouthed floating cat going around saying “oi cunts moider each other or ah’ll shank ya nan” is just hilarious to me

Chapter 215-224

* <3 <3 Fuck Kim Dokja <3 <3

* I figured the hair was going to be involved, but not explicitly that

* If Dokja can find a way to with relative consistency summon the soldier, that’s great

* ok asmodeus is the king of the 32nd. ok, not 32 of them

* Dokja normally says no to potentially unfair support like this from constellation level beings, but i’d actually like to see him deal with asmodeus and just manage to manipulate it so that he is the king of all demons or something

* If Dokja gets support from Asmodeus, than the demon will probably leave his incarnation body there and use it as a puppet to pop in when needed even as he attends to matters in his own kingdom most of the time. This’d open the possibility of Dokja getting to adopt another child, which is always good to see

* I’m also real curious how the possibility of the people who were once characters finding out they were, and what differences there will be to the “real” people, although the fact that the two prophets are characters now is intriguing

* So far it’s just Sangah who knows, but I wonder if Heewon and the others will even be allowed to understand the concept, given the ways the filtering has prevented it in the past

[fionatlux]

Episode 1 / Episode 2 / Episode 3 / Episode 4 

STILL STAR-CROSSED, EPISODE 5 Sympathetic blondes, bickering, and... Coriolanus? (Which I happen, coincidentally, to be reading this week. No, I know what you’re thinking, and I am a giant nerd, I once read King John solely because I was going to a performance of The Compleat Wrks of Wllm Shkspr (Abridged) later that day and I wanted to screw up that joke for them, but this IS an actual coincidence. @lessthansix has been telling me to read Coriolanus for years and I somehow thought it would be less depressing bedtime reading than A.E. Housman. Surprisingly, it is. A Shropshire Lad is f***ing bleak. Whereas Coriolanus goes around yelling “AUFIDIUUUUUUUS!” Yes, it’s a tragedy, but also it’s like this.) 

[ANYWAY. There is a recap somewhere in all this babbling, I swear!]

The Palace, Verona

ESCALUS: Right, I’m leading the search parties, you’re in charge!

ISABELLA: I can’t, I’m going to Venice.

ESCALUS: But you’ve always wanted to rule Verona!

ISABELLA: Yeah, but priorities. Plus I got a makeover montage and a new dress just for the trip and I don’t want to waste it.

  Somewhere Outside Verona

BENVOLIO: So have you ever been camping?

ROSALINE: No, why?

BENVOLIO: If you had, you would have known to bring a sweater.

[Forced proximity and sharing outerwear for warmth: check!]

  The Doge’s Palace, Venice

ISABELLA: I’m sure the Doge wants to hear Verona’s apology for getting his brother killed ASAP! Then he can sign the treaty and I can get out of here!

[The supreme ruler of Venice has got his throne room tricked out with dancing girls. Isabella barges right in, because nobody knows anything about protocol. She is pretty shocked.]

ISABELLA: You know what, I am pretty tired from my journey. The apology can wait!

The Doge’s Palace of Debauchery, Venice

THE DOGE: I decline to hear your apology until I hear your other apology, if you know what I mean!

ISABELLA: Eww. So, I am clearly out of my depth here.

[Izzy! Are you a Machiavellian would-be tyrant or not? Kick his sleazy ass!]

  Somewhere Outside Verona

ROSALINE: So you’re just gonna knock on the door and demand sanctuary?

BENVOLIO: Yep.

ROSALINE: And you think this is gonna work?

BENVOLIO: …maybe? Look, I’m new to this whole being-on-the-run thing.

ROSALINE: OK, I’ll just stand here and watch you from a safe distance.

  Some Abbey, Somewhere Outside Verona

BENVOLIO: I request sanctuary!

SOME MONK: DENIED.

BENVOLIO: Well, shit. New plan!

  The Guest Room, The Doge’s Palace of Debauchery, Venice

[Isabella has an informative conversation with Helena, her sympathetic blonde Venetian lady-in-waiting, and Valentina, the Doge’s chief, uh, advisor, among other things.]

ISABELLA: If I had any pearls I would be clutching them right now.

[Get it together, Izzy! Didn’t Lady M. tell you anything useful?]

ISABELLA: Orifice?!?!?!

[Could this place be any more cartoonishly sleazy?]

HELENA: I take it the Doge is not your type?

ISABELLA: No, I think my type may actually be sympathetic blondes!

 Some Abbey, Somewhere Outside Verona

ROSALINE: So you convinced him to let you in, how?

BENVOLIO: Told him I was good at gardening. And cleaning stables. And pushing wheelbarrows. Here, wear this cunning disguise and I shall sneak you in too!

[Unexpectedly, the soldiers Escalus sent barge into the abbey! Also unexpectedly, the abbot is a BAMF and tells them where to stick it. Roz and B. continue their clandestine search for Friar Lawrence. They find his bedroom, but...] 

BENVOLIO: Oh noes, Friar Lawrence is dead!

ROSALINE: Nah, he’s just fake-dead. Trust me on this one.

  The Doge’s Room of Rapaciousness, The Doge’s Palace of Debauchery, Venice

[Isabella has apparently decided that the way not to get molested is by detailing all her favorite parts of Coriolanus. She has also possibly suborned Valentina?]

VALENTINA: Scusi Your Sleaziness, sorry to burst in, it’s just that the laundry just told me Isabella is on her period and I know you think that’s icky, so hit the brakes.

THE DOGE: EWWWW. EW EW EW OH GOD FEMALE BODIES EW UNCLEAN UNCLEAN EWWWWWWW.

ISABELLA: Oh? It’s a perfectly natural bodily process, we’ll just put down a towel—

[Somewhere in the background, Rachel Bloom begins crooning “Period Sex.” Does anybody in the fandom watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend?]

ISABELLA: —nothing to be—

THE DOGE: OUT!!!

ISABELLA: fyeah who’s a cunning manipulator now? THIS GIRL.

  Some Abbey, Somewhere Outside Verona

BENVOLIO: The Friar is never gonna wake up! I say we run while we have the chance.

ROSALINE: B., of the two of us, which is the one who has experience with camping?

BENVOLIO: Me.

ROSALINE: And which is the one who has experience with fake-death potions?

BENVOLIO: …fine.

BENVOLIO: Are you sorry you ran away with me? You could always go back and marry my uncle.

ROSALINE: Nah. Even if this all goes south, everybody will assume you slept with me and I won’t have to get married, so either way, I win.

FRIAR LAWRENCE: *GASP*

[I know, Friar, Benvolio is pretty surprised too. Isabella and Rosaline should write a book on turning shitty patriarchal conventions to their advantage.]

  The Guest Room, The Doge’s Palace of Debauchery, Venice

[Isabella has apparently suborned not Valentina but Helena the sympathetic blonde lady-in-waiting, and got actual blood on the sheets by stabbing herself in the thigh with a pair of scissors, holy shit. Isabella is hardcore.]

ISABELLA: I am so happy to be going home!

HELENA: *heart eyes* I am so happy for you, although I will be sad to be stuck here all alone again with these sleazebags!

[They hold hands for a very long moment. It is adorable. Unfortunately, Valentina arrives to kill the mood.]

VALENTINA: Change of plans! The Doge wants you to stay a few more days, say maybe a week? Until things, you know, dry up?

ISABELLA & HELENA: Oh shit.

  Some Abbey, Somewhere Outside Verona

FRIAR LAWRENCE: I don’t know anything!

ROSALINE: Start talking, or I go to the abbot and get you burned at the stake for witchcraft!

BENVOLIO: I’m both scared and a little turned on right now.

FRIAR LAWRENCE: The Nurse told me that Paris and Lady Capulet are conspiring in the basement and they plan to use Livia!

ROSALINE: OH HELL NO. Nobody uses my baby sister! I’m going back to Verona!

BENVOLIO: Me too, I guess. It’s obvious that I’m kind of useless without you at this point.

THE ABBOT: *watches them gallop off, ominously*

  Somewhere Outside Verona

[The CGI zoom is back! It’s a lot less CGI now that they’re out in the middle of the countryside. Rosaline is refilling her water bottle at a river, which means my least favorite plot point is coming up. At some point. You know, now that we’ve established that there’s a mmmf mmm mmfffrrr. Anyway, the soldiers, despite being clad in clanky armor and having a bunch of horses, have somehow snuck up on them.]

BENVOLIO: Quick, hide!

[Forced proximity due to hiding from danger: check!]

ROSALINE: I cannot believe they didn’t see us hiding behind these bushes. Seriously, B. is wearing brown leather, but I’m still in my fetching yet highly visible maid outfit.

[In all fairness, it’s really hard to get vision as part of a health insurance package, and Escalus doesn’t seem like the most caring employer.]

  Valentina’s Room, The Doge’s Palace of Debauchery, Venice

ISABELLA: Look, my city has some seriously outdated ideas about virginity and gender roles, so help me out here. I have a proposition for you!

VALENTINA: I… may be interested. Tell me more!

 Some Inn, Somewhere Outside Verona

THE INNKEEPER: You two have fun now!

BENVOLIO: I am a little embarrassed.

ROSALINE: Aw, you’re kind of cute when you’re embarrassed.  

[Naturally, there is only one bed. CHECK.]

BENVOLIO: Uh… I guess I will sleep on the floor?

ROSALINE: Correct!

[She says it in a flirty way, though.]

  The Doge’s Palace of Debauchery, Venice

[Isabella did not bribe Valentina nearly enough. Oops? Also, the Papal States have invaded somebody and the Doge is pouty because he wanted to invade them first.]

HELENA: Uh-oh. I really hope we’re not going to take a side trip into Measure for Measure territory here. Or All’s Well That Ends Well. Both of those are icky.

ISABELLA: Let’s steal Valentina’s diary and use it to blackmail her!

HELENA: Oh, that is such a relief.

  Some Inn, Somewhere Outside Verona

BENVOLIO: Ah, I’m gonna miss taking baths when I’m executed for murder.

[Bickering has progressed to the point where Rosaline making death threats is just adorable banter.]

BENVOLIO: Ok, I’m getting out, no peeking.

[Rosaline totally peeks.]

ROSALINE: Daaaayum.

  The Doge’s Palace of Debauchery, Venice

ISABELLA: Valentina! I know I tried to suborn you earlier and you stabbed me in the back, but now I need your, uh, lady advice!

VALENTINA: I’m sure this is in no way a distraction while your smitten lady-in-waiting Helena steals my diary!

ISABELLA: Yep! Totally not a distraction!

 The Guest Room, The Doge’s Palace of Debauchery, Venice

HELENA: I didn’t find Valentina’s diary, but I did find a locked drawer full of gold coins! From the Papal States!

ISABELLA: How did you manage that?

HELENA: I’m handy with a letter-opener.

  The Doge’s Palace of Debauchery, Venice

ISABELLA: Apropos of nothing, did I ever tell you about the time I found a traitor back home? Who was spying for another city-state? Who kept his bribe money in his desk?

VALENTINA: Oh shit.

VALENTINA: So, thanks to Princess Isabella, we found out that your dead brother was totally selling you out to the Papal States! Yes. Your dead brother. Thanks to Isabella. You had better return the favor and agree to her treaty.

THE DOGE: *pouts*

ISABELLA: SIGN HERE.

  Some Inn, Somewhere Outside Verona

[Alas, further hilarious they-only-have-one-bed shenanigans are disrupted by the arrival of the soldiers.]

ROSALINE: I’ll tell the soldiers you went to Padua, and get them to take me to the Prince so I can disclose what we learned from Friar Lawrence!

BENVOLIO: But what will I do while you’re gone? Besides not go to Padua, obviously.

BENVOLIO: Never mind, she’s already left.

 A Sad Farewell, Venice

HELENA: Take this token as a memento of our time together Venice!

ISABELLA: I shall treasure it always!

HELENA: You will be a great ruler some day! Male primogeniture is stupid and I believe in you!

[They exchange a lingering embrace and looks of thwarted longing as Isabella’s carriage leaves. Though she has gotten the treaty signed and not had to sleep with the Doge, Isabella looks like she’s been punched in the gut. Team Bring Helena to Verona! Seriously, that is the least platonic hug I have ever seen.]

  The Royal Camp, Somewhere Outside Verona

ROSALINE: Take me to the Prince at once!

PARIS: He’s back in Verona and I’m in charge here! Hello, I don’t believe we’ve met? I am Count Paris!

ROSALINE: Oh shit.

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