#am I gonna go through all of them? maybe. idk yet. I felt sentimental. I know there's at least one with a lot of near breakup songs

[loumauve]

if it isn't obvious - I picked out my faves because there's too many songs on it to fit in a poll

[lloydskywalkers]

hey idk if you’re doing requests but if you are can you give us the fluffy kai and lloyd sibling content we deserve?? like ummm maybe kai helping lloyd to do homework or something even tho they don’t go to school lmao 😂 i just need something pure :)

i am so very behind on replies but!! in my defense, i started a response for this, got about 10K words in, then realized i needed to give it an actual structure. this is not the 10K words one, but it is, technically, fluffy Kai and Lloyd sibling content? i hope it’s something along the lines of what you wanted :’D

Lloyd decides he wants his ear pierced at three forty-five in the debatable hours of the morning, which isn’t the oddest thing Lloyd has ever decided he desires at that time. But it isn’t usual, either, so Kai decides he probably does, at least, need to ask what brought this on as he begins superheating the edge of the needle so neither of them end up with tetanus, or something.

He’s a responsible brother, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to tell Lloyd no. That would require Kai pretending his own piercing never existed, which is impossible, since Lloyd was the one to help him out back when it got infected and Kai almost lost his entire upper ear.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Lloyd rolls his eyes. “You were just being a baby about it.”

“Oh yeah?” Kai shoots back. “Look who’s talking. I haven’t even touched your ear yet and you’re already wincing.”

“You’re taking forever,” Lloyd says testily. “Why can’t you just pierce it already?”

“Excuse me for trying to make it look good,” Kai says. “But if you really want an off-center piercing, be my guest.”

“No, no, make it look good,” Lloyd protests, straightening where he’s sitting across the bedroom floor from Kai.

Fortunately, they’re in the monastery tonight, otherwise they’d be crammed into the bathroom, or wherever else in the Bounty they wouldn’t wake everyone up. They’ve stashed away in Lloyd’s room, since he’s the furthest from Zane and therefore the least likely to be caught, if something goes wrong. Not that anything’s going to go wrong, of course, but you can never be sure, with them.

“Where’d you want it, again?” Kai asks, as he squints at the tiny earring stud they scavenged from Nya’s bag. He figures she’d support this as a worthy cause enough not to mind. Hopefully.

“On the right side?” Lloyd drums his fingers on the edge of his knee, a bit anxiously. “I sleep on my left more often, so yeah, the right. Just — just the normal ear piercing, for now.”

“For now, huh,” Kai mutters, carefully measuring out rubbing alcohol over the earring, before deciding to drown it in the bottle, for good measure.

“Well, I might decide I want another,” Lloyd crosses his arms. He winces. “Unless Sensei or the others kill me for this, first.”

“Lloyd, if piercing your ear is the worst thing you ever do as a teen, I’ll give you all the piercings you want myself,” Kai says. “And if anybody gives you trouble about it, just make some snarky comment, like, ah—”

“An earring is better to be stabbed with than a knife?”

“…FSM’s sake,” Kai sighs, staring at the bottle of rubbing alcohol and briefly entertaining how it’d taste. “Sure. Why not.”

Lloyd doesn’t look entirely reassured, even with his fun little jokes. “It is better than being stabbed with a knife, right?” he asks. “Like, I can do knife-stab pain, but I was kinda hoping it wouldn’t hurt that bad, you know…?”

Kai rolls his eyes. “It’ll hardly hurt at all,” he assures him, as he reaches for the little cotton balls and soaking one in alcohol. “I promise. You’re a ninja. With the pain tolerance you have, you’re probably not even gonna feel it.”

“Uh-huh, if you say — hey!” Lloyd flinches back from his hand, eyes wide in betrayal.

“Would you relax, it’s just the alcohol,” Kai frowns, going for his ear with the cotton ball again.

Lloyd makes a face, but lets him dab the alcohol on this time. “It’s cold,” he complains.

“Keep whining about it and we’re going back to the clip-on earring plan.”

“No, no, I want them pierced,” Lloyd says quickly. Kai smothers a laugh at how he attempts to appear relaxed, swiping the cotton ball over his earlobe once more for good measure. Satisfied that Lloyd, at least, won’t suffer any immediate crippling infections, Kai grabs for the needle they’re using, soaking the tip in alcohol.

“You…you know what you’re doing, right?” Lloyd asks, suddenly apprehensive now that the needle’s come into play.

“Of course I do, who do you think I am?” Kai says. “I pierced Nya’s ears when she was younger. I would’ve pierced Jay’s the first week we met, but he chickened out last minute.”

Lloyd presses his lips together, hiding a laugh. “If you’d come up to me with a needle the first week we met, I probably would’ve booked it, too.”

“I wasn’t bad,” Kai huffs, kneeing him in the side.

Lloyd runs a hand through his hair, spiking the edges up as he scowls, pitching his voice deeper. “I’m gonna be the green ninja, and none of you losers better get in the way—”

“I never said that!” Kai exclaims, swatting Lloyd across the head as he cackles. “You watch it, or I might slip up with the needle.”

“Sounds like something a green gi-stealer would say.”

“You’re such a brat,” Kai grumbles, hiding the heat rising in his cheeks by busying himself with the earring packaging. “I never sounded like that. And you’re one to talk, with that squeaky little evil laugh you used to do.”

“Alright, I’m dropping it, I’m dropping it,” Lloyd says hastily, his teasing faltering at the threat of turning the tables.

Kai smirks, shaking his head. “Alright,” he says, flexing his wrist once. “I’m gonna ice your ear so it’s numb, then do the actual piercing. You want a count down?”

“Surprise me,” Lloyd says, his hands fisting anxiously in the edges of his sweatshirt.

“Sure thing,” Kai nods absently. “So,” he starts conversationally, as he presses the ice to the back of Lloyd’s ear. “What did bring this on? And don’t give me the teen rebellion thing — seriously, this time.”

Lloyd hesitates, then sighs. He bites his lip, his eyes staring somewhere beyond the ceiling. “I dunno,” he mutters. “I just remembered, the other day, that I’d thought they were super cool as a kid.”

Kai stifles the urge to remind him that he’s still a kid, and continues to listen instead, nodding at him to go on.

Lloyd makes a face. “I don’t know. The mission today was — it was dumb, and I didn’t like how I felt afterwards, so I guess I wanted to do something stupid.”

“Ah,” Kai exhales quietly. He’d had a feeling it was about the mission, but he couldn’t be sure. It hadn’t even been that bad, on the whole, but the sound of Cole’s head cracking against the floor was enough to escalate it right into terrible territory.

Kai’s still thanking his stars that Cole’s got such a thick head. Concussions aren’t fun, even when they do have the chance to treat them immediately.

“I just…I thought maybe it’d be nice to mess up on purpose, for once,” Lloyd continues, his voice quiet. “When I wasn’t trying not to.”

Kai’s frown deepens at that one, his hand hovering where he’s caught the edge of Lloyd’s ear, his thumb pressed against the end of the needle. His sudden concerns over Lloyd’s potentially earring-destroying, Oni/dragon blood are swept away by the plaintively depressing tone Lloyd’s using. He opens his mouth, then shuts it, hesitating.  

He understands the sentiment, of course — probably too well to really put into words. Kai’s not exactly a stranger to messing up. He’s definitely not a stranger to beating yourself up after you mess up, either. He also understands, too well, how it can all build up sometimes — the constant fear of failure, the pressure not to mess up.

Sometimes you’re just struck with the irrational desire to mess up on purpose out of pure spite. Kai gets that. And Lloyd’s at least rational enough to pick something that won’t hurt anyone, and is more likely to get a laugh out of them all, if anything. Kai tries not to roll his eyes fondly.

Plus, Kai would be lying if he said it doesn’t warm his heart that Lloyd’s come to him for it. Which he should, of course, Kai’d better have first dibs on Lloyd’s first piercing, but still. The sentiment, and all.

“Well,” Kai finally says, realizing he’s left Lloyd hanging. “I don’t know about messing up, because this looks pretty rad. But it was definitely your call, so remember to tell Sensei that when he sees it.”

“Yeah, sure.” Lloyd takes a breath, squeezing his eyes shut. “Okay, I’m ready. Stab my ear, Kai.”

“I already did, moron. Did you miss what I just said?”

Lloyd’s eyes pop open, and he blinks. “Huh? For real?”

“Told you,” Kai snorts. “Ninja pain tolerance. Ear piercing’s got nothing on Cole when he scores a hit on you in practice.”

Lloyd’s frozen for a moment, then he scurries over to the mirror, brushing his lengthening hair away so he can get a proper look at it. Kai hovers behind him, suddenly slightly anxious.

“Do you, um, do you like it? You can always take it out, if you don’t. It’ll close over on its own, and you can like, get an actual professional to do it—”

“Shut up, Kai, I love it,” Lloyd beams, tracing his finger over the little silver stud. “I look cool.”

Kai lets out a tiny breath of relief, smirking in satisfaction instead. “As close to cool as you can get, beansprout.”

“Whatever,” Lloyd rolls his eyes, before returning to admiring himself in the mirror. “You’re just jealous I have a super cool piercing, and you don’t.”

“Hey, I gave you that piercing,” Kai scowls. “Just wait until my ear finally heals, I’ll show you cool.”

“Gee, yeah, I can’t wait to see what cheap skull earring you infect yourself with this time.”

“Alright buddy, you’re toeing it dangerously close to the line,” Kai grabs Lloyd in a headlock, digging his knuckles into Lloyd’s thick hair as he yelps, struggling to pull himself free.

“Ow, hey, Kai, watch my ear—”

“Little jerk,” Kai finally releases him with a huff.

“Too bad you’re stuck with me forever,” Lloyd replies, making a face as he brushes his hair back into place.

“Plenty of time to watch you make more mistakes, then,” Kai replies, easily.

Lloyd briefly tenses up, his expression working. Kai slings an arm around his shoulder, briefly squeezing.

“It wasn’t your fault, Lloyd,” he says, gently. “Cole’s gonna tell you the same thing, ten times over.”

“Y-yeah, okay,” Lloyd murmurs, staring at the rug. “I got it.”

Kai eyes him for a brief moment, then shakes his head, carefully flicking the edge of his ear. “This, however? Is definitely your fault. So don’t go selling me out when Sensei bites your head off for it.”

“I’m not a sellout,” Lloyd huffs. “This’ll be nothing. Wait ’til you see what he says about my tattoo, that’ll be the real meltdown.”

Kai barks a laugh out at that, sweeping the cotton balls back into the bag. He then pauses, Lloyd’s word choice hitting him.

“Hey, what do you mean, your tattoo.”

“Oh, would you look at the time—”

“Lloyd, I swear to FSM, if you went and got a tattoo without me—”

[calpops]

help | c.h.

Calum finds that navigating parenthood on his own can be hard but his friends will always be there to help. Based on the prompts: “you’re not alone”, “thank you, for everything” and “dance with me”.

1.5k words

Hood Family Masterlist

Copyright © 2020 calpops. All rights reserved. This original work is not allowed to be reposted on any platform in any format (translations included).

<< >>

Nights that were once peaceful and curtained in a familial bliss became a struggle. Calum and his kids usual nighttime routines were flipped upside down the day his partner and their mother walked out of the door. Only a month had passed and the toll it was taking was weighing heavy on the broken family. What once was bedtime stories and being tucked in extra tight with giggles and good night’s became late nights with heartache and questions with no answers. Calum’s son Declan was only three and fighting to try and find a semblance of understanding to something inexplicable. He didn’t want to go to bed; he was scared that Calum may not be there when he woke up. No matter how many times Calum promised he wouldn’t leave Declan’s trust and hope was already shattered by someone who’d made and broken those same promises. And with his one year old daughter Addie in his arms the fight felt futile. Declan was strong willed and heartbroken. Calum hurt for him, for Addie and for all of the relationships tattered in the fray.

Calum was exhausted. Dark circles painted themselves under his dulled eyes and languid motions accompanied him through long days. Declan was back at preschool after a couple of weeks staying home. But Addie was with Calum day in and day out. Daycare was an option but with a heart that hurt and a yearning need to keep his kids close Calum chose to keep Addie with him. At least for a little while longer. The band was in stride, working on a new album though the prospect of touring with Calum’s new situation was looking fragile. He’d bring Addie to the studio and writing sessions; his band mates always welcomed her with open arms and suggestions that they could look after her for a while—if Calum needed a moment for himself. He’d yet to do so, always powered through the exhaustion and hurt. Always kept her and Declan as close as possible. Tried to stay strong for all of them.

That strength was beginning to crumble; his resilience was breaking and sheer exhaustion was winning. One night felt heavier than most. Late hours were filled with more tears and questions than ever before. It was nearly one in the morning when Calum finally picked up his phone. He was hesitant; not wanting to wake Ashton or his family at such an hour, but with Declan in hysterics and Addie unable to sleep, he felt he couldn’t handle it alone. Not tonight. He swallowed his pride and dialed, it rang only once and he didn’t have to say anything more than a cracked hello before Ashton told him he’d be over in a minute. Living so close by lent truth to Ashton’s words but even a minute felt like a lifetime. It took all of the strength left in Calum to pick himself up off of the couch with Addie in his arms and Declan trailing him to get the door. An instant sense of relief washed through him when Ashton pushed his way through and began taking control of a situation Calum nearly felt helpless and hopeless in.

“Declan,” Ashton began, his stern fatherly voice taking hold. Usually it was reserved for when one of his flock ran a little too wild. But this time there was a presence of softness and understanding. “You need to go to bed.”

Declan, with tears still in his eyes and a staunch stubbornness innate within him, simply said no. It wasn’t funny; the nights of no’s and tears were heavy and becoming a problem. But the dry laugh that spilled out of Calum may have indicated otherwise. If it weren’t for the tilt of Ashton’s head at the simple word of defiance or the way his jaw went slack, laughter wouldn’t have been his first response. Calum could only watch the rest of the exchange as he gently bounced a stirring Addie, hoping it might lull her.

“No?” Ashton asked as he bent down, one knee hitting the tile floor and hands settling on his other leg. Declan stayed contrite in his answer with crossed arms. “Why?”

Declan merely shook his head and planted himself firmly at Calum’s side. A few minutes of bargaining and begging ensued, a small bribe and an eventual agreement got Declan’s hold off of Calum and scooped into Ashton’s arms instead. Calum felt a pang as Ashton walked off with Declan, a tightness in his chest that ached and wondered if he was doing the right thing; if he was doing right by his kids and handling everything well. Through the pain and doubt a small noise cut through, Addie’s giggle settling his worries as he looked at her in all of her innocence and love. She stared back at Calum, now more awake than ever, brown eyes big and small curls wild as another little laugh escaped her.

“What’s so funny, little lady?”

Calum wasn’t expecting her to answer and was startled when Ashton’s voice rang out instead. “He knocked out as soon as I turned the lights off.”

“Good,” Calum notes; unsure how Ashton even managed to get him so far as into bed. Most nights Calum couldn’t get him down the hallway and usually ended up with Declan restless in his bed for the night. “He’s overtired. Needs to get some sleep.”

“And so do you,” Ashton quipped with a raised eyebrow and gesture to hand Addie off to him.

Calum quickly shook his head and held her just a bit closer. “It’s okay, I can get her to sleep.”

“She’s wide awake and you’re half asleep on your feet.”

Calum considered that for a moment. Felt the weight of Addie in his tired arms, the weakness in his knees and the gentle sway of his body begging him to rest. He ran his fingers gently through her curls and gave her one last kiss before reluctantly letting Ashton take over. He wasn’t sure how he managed to bring himself to bed, always noting the absence of another on the left, or how he fell asleep when his life was spiraling out of control. But when morning came and the house was silent Calum realized he hadn’t slept so well in weeks. Panic cut through him when blurry numbers on the clock came into view. A blinking ten am stared back at him and prompted him to jump up and rush to the living room. He caught his breath and a subtle wind of confusion when he saw Luke on the couch, coddling Addie.

“Where’s Declan?” Calum asked abruptly and tacked on, “and Ashton?”

Luke turned to face Calum and then shot his eyes towards the front door. “Ash brought him to preschool. Said he was gonna get you some groceries after. Called me for backup with Addie. She had breakfast and helped me do the dishes.”

Calum relaxed. All the tension he had been holding inside began to ease at the help from his friends. The kitchen was cleaned from its once perilous state of dishes stacked in the sink and food cluttering the countertops. Calum sighed, shook his head and felt his heart drop. He hadn’t meant for their world to be spun so far into chaos. He had been trying to keep his head above water and his kids afloat for weeks. Last night they sank.

“I’m sorry,” Calum whispered as he joined Luke and Addie on the couch. “I’m sorry you guys got pulled into all of this. I should be doing better on my own.”

Luke scoffed, eyebrows knitting together and an incredulous look capturing his eyes. He shifted, moving to better face Calum and keep Addie comfortable in his hold. “You don’t have to go through this alone. You don’t have to be sorry for needing help. We love you and the kids, we’re gonna be here for you whether you like it or not.”

A dry laugh escaped Calum and an appreciative head nod followed.

“Besides, I don’t think I’m ever letting go of Addie,” Luke continued and gave her a small squeeze. “She’s mine now.”

Calum shook his head and reached his arms out. “Luke, give me my baby.”

Luke grinned then scrunched up his nose as he looked at the sleeping baby in his arms. “No, maybe later.”

Calum could only laugh at the exchange and found himself feeling much lighter by the time Ashton was walking through the door with bags of groceries in his grasp. When all was put away and Addie was put down for a proper nap—Luke being very reluctant to let go—Calum took a moment to express his appreciation.

“Thank you guys, for everything. I don’t—I don’t think I can do this alone.”

“You won’t have to,” Ashton reaffirmed Luke’s earlier sentiment. “We’ve got you. Why don’t you go get some extra rest. Mike’s gonna pick Declan up from school and bring him to dance practice—we’ll have a big family dinner tonight. You don’t have to do a thing.”

Calum nodded as he realized how much he missed the company of his friends and their families. That they truly were all one big family. His kids would always have him and the extra love of their extended family. He came back to the surface in a gentle float as he reminded himself he’d never have to go through anything alone—all he had to do was ask for help.

<< >>

If you’d like to be added to my tag list just send me an ask!

Tagged: @rosecolouredash @irwinkitten @golden-hood @who-do-you-love-5sos @caswinchester2000 @wildflowergrae @empathycth @cuddlemecalx @malumsmermaid @babylon-corgis @outerspaceisbetterthannothing @mariellelovescupcakes @xhaileyreneex @goth5sos @gosh-im-short @feliznavidaddycal @loveroflrh @findingliam-o @flowerthug @g-l-pierce @talkfastromance4 @cashtonasfuck @sc0ttish-wildfl0wer @wastedheartcth @calumscalm @notinthesameguey @akafeliznavidaddy @myloverboyash @treatallwithkindness @haikucal @wiildflower-xxx @calum-uncrowned @egyptiangoldhood @mantlereid @drarryetcetera @another-lonely-heart @megz1985 @idk-harry @dinosaursandsocks @wildflower-cth @idontneedanyone @everyscarisahealingplace @youngblood199456

[floraisann]

eighteen

➣ ateez 9th member au

➣ warnings: a couple of curse words because jinju + yeosang = chaos

➣ genre: honestly idk since yongju starts all in His Feels™  then because ateez it gradually dissolves into chaos sooooo maybe angstxcrack??? 🤠

➣ word count: 2,317 words (how did i even accomplish this 😳)

➣ summary: it’s yongju’s birthday!! though the question is... who’s gonna tell the others?

➣ main masterlist

➣ yongju’s masterlist 🐉

➣ author’s note: i’m aware that it’s approaching noon on the 29th in korea as i’m posting this, but where i am, it’s still the 28th, meaning it’s still a valid time to post this. so anyways, happy birthday to my firstborn mr. lim yongju 🥺😭 he is my BABIE and i can’t wait until i can actually develop his character further sdkfnvsijn

❅♩♬♩❅――

“I'm tired of the city, scream if you're with me If I'm gonna die, let's die somewhere pretty, ah”

It wasn’t that Yongju’s mindless singing was a rare, unwelcome occurrence in the dorms— in fact, the ATEEZ members had grown so accustomed to the sound of his voice that the halls felt empty in the few hours where both Jongho and their new maknae were silent. Rather the thing that was making the members uncomfortable was the lyrics leaving their youngest’s lips as well as his tone.

Homesickness. The cold, empty feeling in your chest as you long for a home that is no longer yours. That’s what it was. That’s what Yongju was feeling, singing as to distract from the sentiment.

A sigh leaves Yongju’s lips as he pauses the track halfway through the first verse, the raindrops against the window somehow only working to magnify the desolate misery in the pit of his stomach. It wasn’t the first birthday he’d spent away from his family (SM hadn’t exactly allowed him to travel back for the special occasion in those thirty months spent hoping for debut with his SMRookies friends), and of course, his relatives had all sent him countless birthday wishes earlier on in the day, but it was still the first birthday he’d spent completely away from any family.

Lim Jinju. His annoying twin sister who, as the title implied, shared birthdays with him. Every year prior to the present one, even if they couldn’t celebrate with their families, at least they had each other. Perhaps her absence was just what was making him feel so miserable. Yongju couldn’t call himself outgoing by any means— often disappearing from others’ eyes hours at a time in order to recharge his rapidly depleting social battery— but it was always in the presence of such… chaotic figures that he felt able to let go.

“Do the members even know my birthday…?” He whispers, his words disappearing within the confines of the dark, empty dorm room. Wooyoung and Yeosang along with several more of the members had left for the company building to get some additional practice hours in to prepare for some upcoming schedules. The only members that stayed with him at the dorms were Seonghwa and Jongho, both of whom were unfortunately injured.

Tired, Yongju let himself flop onto his side, the headboard loudly clicking against the wall before rocking to a stop. “What am I so tired for…?” He mumbles to himself, squinting at the sudden brightness of his phone as he unlocks it. “I haven’t even done anything today.” His thumb hovers over the ‘call’ button for a few seconds as he considers calling home. The thought soon leaves him once more as he groans, shifting onto his back.

“Ah, my head hurts.”

Sleep quickly finds the young boy, its grip firm against him as he’s forced to succumb to his drowsiness. It’s restless, but still, it’s much needed. For the first time in days, Yongju can stop thinking.

♩♪♫♬⇝

“I think he might like the vanilla cake.” Hongjoong softly mutters to San, who stands hunched over, carefully inspecting the contents of the store’s bakery counter to find the perfect treat for their later celebration.

San gently shakes his head, not tearing his eyes from the iced treats as he replies to his elder in a semi-hushed voice. “Vanilla? No that’s too basic even if he is kinda plain. I vote chocolate.”

“Vanilla is basic and chocolate isn’t?” Wooyoung scoffs. “Chocolate is probably the most basic cake flavor to ever come into existence.”

“Everyone shut up, let’s get him carrot cake.”

The members all turn to Mingi, incredulous looks on their faces as they question his words.

Wooyoung is the first to explode. “You absolute HEATHEN do you want him to think we hate him?”

“I was just making a suggestion!—”

“—Wait guys!” Yeosang’s call quickly breaks the chaos as his bandmates turn, not wanting to speak over him. “I have—” He stops himself to laugh into his sweater-covered palm. “—Guys, I got Jinju’s number. Should I ask what kind of cake he’d want?”

The expressions on his members’ faces quickly shift from incredulous to exasperated and Yeosang finds that he can only laugh, giggling as he scrolls to his phone contacts to find ‘Lim Jinju’

“Yeosang,” Yunho finally begins. “You’re telling me that this whole time we were arguing, including the entire car ride to this place—” He stops, closing his eyes as he presses his fingers against his temples. “You had contact with Jinju?”

The accused blonde simply flashes a toothy grin as he extends his arm to show off the newly added contact in his phone. “Okay—” He quickly retracts, looking down at the said contact. “I’m being completely honest here— I actually forgot I had her contact since I just got it last night and entirely by chance too!”

Wooyoung blinks. “Yeosang, what you mean, sir?”

Grinning, Yeosang quickly locks his phone, clapping his hand over the screen as he launches into his story. “Okay! So you know how Yongju always falls asleep while on his phone, right? Yeah! So last night after I showered, I came back to the room and he was asleep, probably on accident too, because the episode of ‘Free!’ he was watching was only half finished.”

“Where are you going with this?” San interjects, Hongjoong quickly shushing him.

“Okay, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, when I was walking past him, I noticed his phone was on like, maybe two percent battery? So being a good roommate, I decided to charge it for him. So when I grabbed his phone, I had the sudden realization that since it was unlocked, the options available to me were endless! So in the end, I both charged his phone and saved Jinju’s number to my contacts for safekeeping.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you suck at ending stories?” Wooyoung flatly questions. Yeosang is quick to glare through his blonde locks, eliciting a few laughs from the other members.

“Well either way, that safekeeping purpose ended up being fulfilled much earlier than expected, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be calling Miss Lim Jinju!”

Before anyone can react, Yeosang’s phone is unlocked, and the familiar ‘calling’ chime rings in their ears.

“Put her on speaker!” Hongjoong instructs, and Yeosang is quick to comply.

“Hello?” Jinju’s strong and clear voice reverberates around them after the third ring, and there’s a momentary bout of chaos as all six men present attempt to greet her at the same time.

“Happy birthday, Jinju!” Wooyoung hollers directly into the speaker.

“What are you all so loud for?” She whines. “I swear you just gave me hearing loss— anyways, I hope I’m not the first twin you’re screaming at because last time I checked, the other June twenty-eight born lad literally lives with you.”

“Well, that’s kinda why we called, you June twenty-eight born lass, you know?” Yunho weakly sings into the speaker, causing a few odd glances from the shop’s workers.

“What could you— Oh!” Yeosang flinches, pushing the phone further away from his face as Jinju yells. “Wait I know exactly why you called! Okay, so be very mindful of Yongju’s taste buds because they’re kinda fucked, and he hates chocolate cake.”

“See! I told you!” Mingi hollers, Wooyoung being quick to slap him across the back of his head as he quips a fast, “You didn’t tell us shit, mr. carrot cake!” back.

“Stop fighting!” Hongjoong scolds, lightly punching Mingi on the shoulder. “Anyways, Jinju, if he doesn’t like chocolate, what should we buy him?”

There’s a brief silence as the twin contemplates her answer, the six members present leaning close to the phone as they make their own guesses as to what Yongju would like. “I’m pretty sure the last time we had cake he really liked the red velvet.”

The members immediately disperse, different degrees of self-disappointment on their faces, save Yeosang, who had begun to softly sing the chorus of ‘Red Flavor’ by Red Velvet.

“Why is it that no one guessed red velvet, yet one of us idiots managed to come up with the idea that Yongju would want carrot cake?” Wooyoung finally asks.

“It’s because we’re all clowns,” San starts, turning away as Hongjoong goes to purchase the small red velvet cake. “And Yongju just so happens to be the circus director.”

❅♩♬♩❅――

“Yongju, wake up!” The boy in question blinks awake, disoriented, as Seonghwa gently shakes him conscious. “Sorry we couldn’t let you keep sleeping, but the managers want you, Jongho, and me over to the company for some last minute evaluation… thing,” He explains.

Yongju sleepily yawns into his hand, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he asks, “What time is it now?”

“It’s 3pm,” His elder quickly answers. “They want me there earlier so I’m heading off now, but the managers are gonna bring you and Jongho over in an hour or so.” He then smiles, lovingly pinching the youngest on the cheek. “Freshen yourself up before then, alright? I’ll see you soon.”

As Seonghwa leaves, Yongju forces himself into a sitting position, dazed, yet trying his hardest to force himself fully awake. Finally, he kicks his legs over the side of his bed, padding straight over to the bathroom to put on some makeup. He was an idol now. He had to at least try to look alive.

♩♪♫♬⇝

“Guys, hurry up! Jongho and Yongju are gonna be here any minute now!” San whines, rocking on his heels.

Seonghwa immediately stops his work in arranging streamers on the wall to glare at the younger boy, who in response, flashes him a wide grin. “If you’re so concerned about us not finishing in time, you could help, yeah?” He rolls his eyes. “I’m literally injured and I’m doing more than you.”

“I’m the supervisor!” He happily sings. “I’m here to make sure you guys are doing your work the right way!”

“What time is it anyways?” Hongjoong quietly mutters. “How much time do we got until they get here?”

“It is,” Yunho begins in a sing-song voice. “It is exactly 4pm at this moment.”

The boys all turn back to Seonghwa as a small choking noise leaves his throat. “Why didn’t you say anything? Jongho told me he’d get Yongju here by four o’clock sharp!”

“Yeah, and I have some news.” Yeosang announces, glancing down at his phone as he calls all the attention to himself. “Jongho just texted the old group chat saying they’re getting out of the car now.”

“I told you this would happen!” Seonghwa yells, all of the balloons they had purchased for the event in his hand as he runs to place them. “This is why I asked all of you to keep track of the time!”

♩♪♫♬⇝

“Do you know what we’re filming?” Yongju softly asks Jongho as they approach the practice room. “Are we filming a dance practice for ‘On’?”

Jongho lets a puff of air escape his lips as he shrugs at the question. “They probably wouldn’t have brought me or Seonghwa here if that were the case since we didn’t even dance in that stage.”

“Good point,” Yongju comments, nodding. “But is there anything else we could film? There was nothing in the schedule for today either.”

Jongho simply shakes his head once more. “I really don’t have the slightest clue.”

The pair stops as they reach the practice room, and for once Yongju notices the lack of light coming through the semi-transparent door.

“Are you sure this is the right room?” He asks his bandmate, frowning as he steps into the pitch black expanse. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen the main practice area this dark…”

“Well, the managers told me—”

He’s cut off as the lights flash on and the other seven members’ faces are exposed.

“Happy birthday, maknae!” Wooyoung screams, his high tone easily slicing its way through the babble of the others as they begin singing him a happy birthday.

He can’t help but take a few steps back, his hands flying to his mouth as his eyes fill with tears of… happiness? surprise?

“Why are you running away?” Jongho asks, his hand still draped across the younger’s shoulder as he pushes him closer to the cake.

He smiles, standing somewhat awkwardly as Yeosang places the cake in his arms and he tries his best not to drop it, eyes lighting up as he notices the cake’s color.

They all applaud, urging him to quickly make a wish so he could blow out the candle and enjoy the treat.

Well, what did he want to wish for?

His life situation had taken a drastic turn in the last nine months. It wasn’t just that his thirty four month trainee period had finally drawn to a close. Finally, Yongju had friends, or rather eight brothers and countless fans who he was beginning to truly feel comfortable enough to be completely himself in front of without fear of judgement. And on top of that, he was able to get this far without giving up anything he loved.

He made it. For the first time in the nine months Yongju had spent with ATEEZ, he could finally feel the full effects of the word ‘success’.

He wants it to last.

The members all happily cheer as he blows out the candle, and he flinches away from San’s aggressive shows of affection. Despite the secondhand embarrassment he should be feeling first and foremost as the eight of them act— well— so wholeheartedly themselves, he’s distracted by the warmth he feels in his stomach as well as a sudden burst of energy as he finds he wants to mess around just as he would with Jinju back home.

Yongju debuted. Yongju had a family. Yongju had success.

[artificialqueens]

A Vampire in Paris: Part 3 (Gigi/Crystal) - Chae

A/N: well this took ten times longer than i expected… so sorry for the wait! (was anyone waiting? idk) hopefully I can update this at LEAST once a week for now ee. anyway thank you all so much for the support on the first two chapters, i’m so glad people enjoy my wacky fashion-vampire fantasy

Summary:  Gigi has an… interesting encounter with the supermodel trio and makes some big changes with Crystal

—-

Well, this was a situation.

Gigi broke out into a slight sweat as Aquaria, Naomi, and Valentina peered right into her soul at the cafe. She smiled awkwardly as she took a sip of water, seemingly the only one who actually drank… or ate. And she was eating a salad! In Paris! What the fuck were they looking at her like that for?!

The youngest model was still tired from the previous night, trying to push down her discomfort with happy thoughts of kissing Crystal. The ginger had tried desperately to look her best for her lunch date with the supermodels, shocked that they still didn’t seem impressed. After a long bout of silence as the three older girls eyed Gigi eating, Valentina piped up across from her.

“Gigi… what’s that short for?”

The aforementioned girl swallowed a lettuce leaf. “Genevieve. Genevieve Regina Goode.”

“That sounds like a movie character,” the tan beauty laughed. “I like your name.”

“Thanks. How did you get Valentina?”

“What do you mean? That’s just my name.”

“Oh,” Gigi cringed internally.”What’s your last name?”

“Hm, it’s been so long I don’t remember,” the girl smiled dopily as Aquaria slapped her arm next to her, annoyed. Gigi raised an eyebrow and Aquaria smiled fakely.

“We don’t really use our last names, except for Naomi because hers is easy,” the blonde said through her teeth, glaring at Valentina. The latter looked, confused, between Gigi and Aquaria. From next to her, Gigi could sense Naomi giving Valentina a look as well. 

“Oh!” She finally said, her face contorting into realization. “Yeah, we don’t use them,” the latina nodded. 

Gigi looked down, feeling as if she’d stumbled onto something she shouldn’t have—which was exactly what she wanted. Maybe she should press further…

“Why haven’t you guys eaten? These salads have a lot of good vitamins and stuff. I know we’re pressured into being like a size-negative-ten but what you ordere-”

“We already ate,” Naomi interrupted. “And if you feel self-conscious, sweets, don’t. Salads are good for you.”

“And you won’t have to worry about it much longer,” Valentina added earnestly. However, her kind… sentiment (?)… was not appreciated by the other two.

“Oh my god, shut up!” Aquaria whacked her on the back of the head. “You wanna get fired or something?!”

“I’m sorry guys,” Gigi tried to stop the drama. “I didn’t mean to intrude on whatever is happening-”

“No, no no! It’s not your fault,” Naomi explained, placing a freezing cold hand on Gigi’s shoulder. “It’s just that Valentina…”

“Valentina doesn’t know what she’s talking about, doll,” Aquaria smiled.

“Guuuuys I’m sorry!” Valentina whined. “I just keep forgetting she’s not a va-”

“Member of our team!” Aquaria shouted. “She’s not a member of our team,” the Italian jerked her head to the side, leaning towards Valentina and whispering something in her ear. The brunette’s eyebrows curved upwards as she whispered frantic sorries to her friend, who appeared absolutely venomous. Naomi rolled her eyes.

“We should head out and do some shopping, no? Maybe Val will be distracted by all the shiny things,” Naomi got up, rifling through her small purse for cash. Gigi nodded, just wanting to get out of this situation as soon as she could.

Soon enough, they were browsing at a beauty store—and yes, Valentina was distracted by the sparkly eyeshadows (go figure). Gigi wandered away from her ‘friends’ to the hair section, nearly passing by the dyes before a thought popped into her head. She grabbed two boxes of color and a toner off the shelf and smiled, paying for her items before finding the rest of the group. 

“Bought stuff already?” Aquaria looked at Gigi’s bag quizzically.

“It’s not makeup or anything, just had to restock,” the redhead lied.

“Oh, nice,” the blonde turned back to the lipstick she was trying on. Gigi filled the silent air by perusing the makeup counters, trying to not look too interested.

Naomi was texting someone with a coy smile plastered on her face, causing Gigi to remember something else odd she hadn’t addressed yet. 

“Aquaria?” She asked.

“Hm?”

“How did you get my number? I never found out.”

“Right. I asked Adore.”

“Adore doesn’t have my number…”

“Adore has everyone’s number,” she snapped, clearly looking annoyed. Gigi shrunk back and bit her lip. “The bitch has her ways,” Aquaria added.

“Can’t Fame access everyone’s data n’ stuff?” Valentina said offhandedly.

“What? Fame? Like Miss Fame?”

“Valentina, I’m going to rip your head off and smash it with my stiletto,” Aquaria threatened. 

“I thought Fame was… dead?” Gigi pressed.

“She is.”

“She is.”

Both Naomi and Aquaria looked the new model dead in the eyes, not a hint of intonation in their voices. Valentina, once again, looked at them confusedly, but held her tongue. Gigi felt the same glare that Raven had pierce her soul once again, and decided that enough was enough of these creeps. She stole away into the next aisle and ordered an Uber to pick her up ASAP. She peeked over the display and told the girls she was going to the bathroom, to which they nodded in unison without leaving their tasks. On that note, Gigi slinked out of the store and as far down the street as her heeled feet would take her.

She texted Crystal as she waited for the Uber, impatiently tapping her foot on the concrete ground.

Sexy Robot🥵🤖

heyyy, wanna meet up at your place? i have a surprise 

Hot Clown🤡🔥

DUH OMG u know I can’t wait 

when are u comin?

Sexy Robot🥵🤖

I’ll be there in like 20 mins 

Hot Clown🤡🔥

I can’t wait to see u🥺🥺🥺

Sexy Robot🥵🤖

keep your panties on, boss

Hot Clown🤡🔥

Don’t ever call me boss again you whore 

Sexy Robot🥵🤖

only for u ;)

Gigi smiled as her Uber finally arrived, excited to talk to Crystal after what happened the night prior. She’d not only had a steamy makeout session with a hot designer, she’d kissed the girl she liked when they were both semi-sober-ish. Her happiness was short-lived, though, when she received a text from Aquaria on a group chat she’d been added to. She exhaled nervously as she shut the car door, telling the driver where to go.

Hottest Hoes in Paris⭐️⭐️

Aquafina

Has anyone seen Gigi?

You’ve been in the bathroom an awful long time bitch

French Vanilla Fantasy

no :(

did she leave?!

GIGI WHERE ARE YOU

Bebe Badde

aaaa sorry guys I wasn’t feeling well!

LegsLegsLegsLegs

Awe babe you should have told us

Feel well soon

French Vanilla Fantasy

i send all my love to you!! 💛💘💚💘❤️💝💚💞💓❤️💘

Aquafina

Ya feel better!

Gigi sighed, having successfully escaped the strangest outing she’d ever been on. The drive to Fatelle was shorter than she’d expected, the model barely realizing she had reached her destination before paying the driver and nearly leaping out of the car. She sped into the lobby, saying hi to Adore before bounding to the elevator. She was almost giddy at the prospect of seeing Crystal again, unfamiliar with having a crush this strong. Gigi felt like she and Crystal fit together like puzzle pieces: anything she didn’t have, the designer did, and vice versa. But they still came together in the same picture, with the same values and dreams and—gosh, they were a match made in heaven.

Gigi gripped the shopping bag as she reached Crystals floor, finding her room (Crystal had texted her where she lived a few days prior) and knocking on the door. It opened almost immediately to a grinning Crystal, dressed in cute casual clothes and fluffy ugg slippers.

“What’s the surprise?” She said right away, letting the younger girl inside.

“First of all, hi,” Gigi rolled her eyes, giving the shorter girl a quick peck on the cheek. “Second of all, you’ll see. Third of all — you will not believe the day I’ve had.”

“Dang, it’s two PM!”

“And shits wild!”

“Spill.” Crystal plopped on the couch, motioning for Gigi to join her. The ginger kicked her shoes off and made herself comfortable, propping her tired legs on the coffee table. 

“So I met up with Aquaria and Naomi and Valentina…”

“No way!”

“Yes, Aqua invited me. And it was insane.”

“How?”

“Would you believe me if I told you that I think Fatelle is the Illuminati?”

“Honestly, with some of the shit that’s been going on…”

“Right?! Okay, they literally kept saying Miss Fame might be alive?”

“She’s alive in my heart, but… it’s been a whole century.”

“And they acted like it was real! And then Valentina said that I wouldn’t have to eat soon?“

“What? Why?”

“Like I wouldn’t physically need to eat.”

“That’s fucking weird.”

“It was the strangest thing. Am I in the Twilight Zone?”

“Maybe you’re in the Twilight! Edward or Jacob?”

“Edward.”

“Good choice. Edward.”

The two shared a chuckle, Crystal’s eyes flitting to the bag Gigi had brought.

“Is that the surprise?”

Gigi smirked, getting up and pulling out a box of bleach, purple toner, and a box of natural red dye. “Don’t think I didn’t remember what you said!”

“No! Oh my gosh you’re the best!” Crystal grabbed her dye and grinned widely, eyes crinkled in a cute way. “We have to do this now.”

“Raven’s gonna be pisssssed,” Gigi remembered, not really caring anyway.

“Raven is basically Edward’s cousin, who cares?”

“Oh shit she is like Edwards’ cousin! Bitch looks all pale and dark haired and ooky and spooky.”

“My mind.”

“Your mind.”

The two made their way to the bathroom, opening their goodies and setting up to do each other’s hair. Crystal wrapped a towel around Gigi’s shoulders, knowing her process would be much more time consuming.

“Have you done hair before?” The model asked as Crystal mixed up the bleach.

“For sure, I dyed my hair back to brown so I could look professional when I came here,” she laughed. “I had neon green before, remember?”

“Right!” 

Gigi couldn’t say she wasn’t nervous when Crystal began applying the dye to the ends of her hair, but trusted the designers judgement and vision. It was her fashion show, after all. The older girl worked quickly, yet thoroughly. She was used to working with her difficult curly hair, so it was easy for her to comb through Gigi’s nearly-straight locks. Strand by strand, she painted the bleach on with her gloved hands, unaware that her work was nearly causing Gigi to fall asleep at the calming feeling of her hair being lightly tugged. She model nearly dozed off when Crystal started massaging her scalp to make sure the roots were coated. Finally, Crystal was happy with her work, snapping Gigi back into reality when she placed a shower cap over the models head.

“Sleepyhead, you’ve gotta do my hair now,” Crystal discarded her latex gloves, brushing the back of her hand against Gigi’s cheek. “In half an hour you gotta take a shower with the toner, and then when you’re done, I take a shower and then we both have new hair!”

“I have a suggestion,” Gigi yawned. “Why don’t you keep giving me a head massage and I go to bed?”

“If you want your hair to fall out, sure.”

Gigi rolled her eyes, getting up to open the red box dye. She took out the components, following directions to mix the bottles together and shake it up. Apprehensively, she started squeezing the fluid all over Crystal’s hair and running it through the coils. “Is this right?”

“Just make sure every strand is coated, but yeah!” she smiled at Gigi through the mirror, and Gigi smirked back.

“So, do we need to talk about last night at all?” the model asked as she worked.

“Do you think we need to?”

“I mean, if we’re on the same page, no.”

“Are we?”

“What’s the definition of the same page, then?”

“Um… I liked kissing you?”

“Good, then we’re definitely on the same page,” Gigi blushed. She looked in the mirror for a second and laughed. “I look like a lunch lady!”

“Shush, you look pretty no matter what.”

“Says you, Crystalline Elizabeth.”

“Says the model, Genevieve Regina!”

“Oh. Well.”

“You bitch! You’re supposed to tell me how great I am.”

“Crystal Methyd, you are perfect.”

“I know I am.”

“Who’s the bitch now, bitch?”

This went on as Gigi finished applying the color to Crystal’s hair, placing her own cap over the voluminous mass of hair. Crystal checked the time. “You should go take a shower, Gi. And make sure to leave that toner on for ten minutes!”

“Got it,” she replied as Crystal exited the luxury bathroom into the bedroom. 

“I’ll leave you out some comfy clothes, hm?”

“What, you wanna cuddle and watch movies with me later?”

“Uh… yeah.”

“Thank god. I’ll see you soon,” Gigi leaned in for another quick peck on the cheek, a new habit she’d grown quite fond of. She shut the door and turned on the tap, waiting for the water to warm up before undressing and stepping inside.

Gigi was tired, but the steam against her skin helped balance her energy once again. She removed the shower cap, eyes widening at how light her hair was. She was used to her red hair turning almost-black when wet, but it was now a dirty brown color under the water. The dry strands were a nearly-white yellow. This will take some adjusting to, she thought as she quirted a glob of toner in her hands. She worked it through her hair for a couple minutes, careful to get every last bit. The next ten minutes were spent trying to keep her head out of the shower whilst keeping her body in, which was a difficult task that often left Gigi shivering without the warmth of the water on her body, only to put her arm or leg back in.

The model stepped out of the glass shower into the bathroom that was nearly identical to her own. She wiped the fog away from the mirror and stood, as she did, scanning her body. She was healthy, but extraordinarily petite. Many her size would have bones jutting out, maybe even appearing emaciated, but not Gigi. Her figure was all smooth lines and gentle curves. She had a waist and hips, but they certainly weren’t defined. Her breasts followed the outer curves of her chest, small and close together. She was a model. She looked like a model.

Gigi grabbed a towel once she noticed the goosebumps on her arms, using it to dry off and then wrapping it around herself. She decided to use the hairdryer as well, since apart from her hair taking forever to dry on its own, she wanted to see what it looked like now. As her locks returned to their normal state, Gigi could see that Crystal did a near-perfect job. Her hair was evenly colored a light-barbie-doll blonde all around — not too yellow, not too silver. She certainly looked like a barbie doll. She felt like one.

The girl exited the bathroom into the attached bedroom, calling out to Crystal that she was done. She found a set of satin pajama shorts and a shirt, surprised that the designer owned something so fancy. She changed quickly, feeling more than comfortable in this outfit.

As Crystal took her time in the bathroom, Gigi grew… bored. She felt lonely scrolling through Instagram all by herself, so she shut off her phone and sank back into the couch. Her eyes flickered from the ceiling, to the window, to the TV, and finally, to the bedroom entryway. Gigi wasn’t really the mischievous type, but hey, when in Paris. She smirked as she got up, starting by looking through Crystal’s dresser. Nothing of importance, really: just makeup, underwear (oh hey, those were garters… she wondered what those would look like on Crystal…), stacks and stacks of jewelry. So the model opted to look through the closet, a favorite activity of hers. Crystal’s wardrobe nearly burned Gigi’s eyes out when she first opened the doors. Colors and patterns everywhere, unorganized platform shoes falling over the floor. It was so bad, it was beautiful. Gigi began with the shoes, definitely wanting to steal some of them for herself.

As she got lost in Crystal’s fashion tastes, she failed to hear the shower shutting off and Crystal entering the bedroom, the newly-ginger letting out a yelp as she realized Gigi was there. The younger girl whipped around to see Crystal attempting to cover herself up with her hands, flustered beyond belief at the fact that she was…

butt naked.

[pokkop15]

(Ok so I was a fool and had had a lot of this meta written up yesterday and instead of saving it as a draft while I watched critical role, I, like a fool, just left all the tabs open and then went to bed after the episode. Then firefox crashed in the night and everything was lost. Press F to pay respects I guess cause here I go again.)

First off, Aradia is best girl and I am so happy she's RELEVANT again. I had a whole preamble the last time I wrote this post, but I can't remember what it said other than mentioning that this is gonna be a long post beneath the cut and that I have other metas that will kind of overlap with what I'm saying in this one so I will try to keep my discussion of the narrative styles of the The Prince and The Muse to only what is relevant to this post and to what is RELEVANT. Also previous metas should be reblogged directly before I post this to make it easier to check them out before hand or to reference them more easily.

The main points of focus will be: The differences between how the two Time gods interact with The Muse and her narrative, as well as the general level of metatextual awareness of characters within Candy. | The juxtaposition of the Knight and the Maid. | The possible suppression of the Ultimate nature of The Knight, and by extension The Seer. | The Muse's unique state of power and presumed Awakening | I swear there was more but I flat out don't remember what they were.

One last thing. I am a rambly motherfucker so if you haven't read my previous metas, here's your warning to expect a very long and very chaotic mess of a post beneath the cut. Also for anyone confused anytime I emphasize someone as 'The Class' it's referring to their actions as a potential narrator and as an Ultimate Self. For example, the difference between The Muse and the Muse is that 'the Muse' would be for character moments like when the dead cherub possessing Jade's corpse in Candy is just talking with Davebot and Aradia, while 'The Muse' is for when talking about her influence over the narrative. (There's a lot of different ways I put emphasis on words or phrases, but “The Class” was the one I felt really might need clarification)

I find it interesting how Davebot acknowledges and shows distaste for The Muse interjecting her narration and thus inhibiting his ability to live in the moment. I find this interesting because as an Awakened god of Time, he is simultaneously living in every moment but as a Knight, and as The Knight, he is also intrinsically separate from those moments as he is the Ultimate One who Wields Time. Aradia on the other hand is the Maid of Time, who while almost assuredly having reached the pinnacle of her god tier after the hundreds of years we now know her to have lived, is not ascended to her Ultimate Self. As a Maid, Aradia literally embodies her aspect. As such she doesn't worry about living in the moment because she is the moment. Because of this Aradia is more prone to just accept, agree, and repeat the sentiments The Muse dictates in her constant exposition. However, despite acknowledging the narration, Davebot still ends up being incredibly passive in the face of it. Even though he has an Active class and is a dreamer of the Active moon, Dave himself has always come off as an incredibly passive character to me in a lot of ways. (Even the aspect of Time itself and its heroes are specifically denoted as incredibly Active in the {official and Canon} extended zodiac test [which means its contents are NECESSARY, RELEVANT, and TRUE]). Always acting under the direction of other characters, subject to The Lord's rule over Time, and constantly struggling with his seeming lack of control. Here, even after reaching his Ultimate Self, he still only makes passive-aggressive remarks instead leaving the flow of the story and the big decisions to others. (In my last post I went into deeper detail about the nature of, and relationship between Aradia and Dave's classes and how that affected their sessions, but I can't remember what the tie in was unfortunately so for now I'll leave it at this and move on)

Among the human players of sburb, the Strilondes have always been the most genre savvy and possessed the most awareness of the narrative and its' influence, (although Dave was never near the levels of Dirk and Rose). But up until this upd8, direct interactions with the narrative have been few and far between in Candy (at least as far as I can recall). I mentioned this in my previous meta as being a result of The Muse being the type to inspire characters to action whereas The Prince is far more heavy handed in is dictation and rarely attempts to hide his presence in the narration these days. But we see here once again, that not only is The Muse bad for the people under her influence, she's also just really not good at constructing a story. She relies too heavily on tropes and cliches, on plot contrivances; she tells too much and doesn't show enough, (something that should literally be her greatest strength as a Muse). Yet despite this, Davebot and Aradia are seen multiple times to interact with her dictations directly and Aradia even points out on page 284 that she is aware of The Muse “observing (their) every action and noting its relevance : )” (the emphasis on 'relevance' being mine). As such we can infer that it doesn't take an Ultimate Self to recognize The Muse's narration. But if not that, then what? If it was just pre-disposition of character that let them notice, then between her own abilities and self awareness, surely Candy!Rose would have by now, but she hasn't. Then is it proximity? Maybe The Muse is getting complacent and starting to unknowingly imitate The Prince and his methods? Or is it because both Davebot and Aradia are Heroes of Time? The aspect opposite The Muse's. After all, The Muse did express that the way (either Aradia specifically or that the both of them) experience time is “woefully unfamiliar” to her. Perhaps that makes it difficult for her to write a story that resonates with them fully. Whatever it may be, all the information up until this point doesn't come to a head so much as it is something that I believe to be RELEVANT.

With that, let us switch gears while keeping the previous information in mind. As I said before, in spite of all the active components of Davebot's Mythological Role, his character has often been passive. And the precise story beat I want to focus on right now is his Awakening to his Ultimate Self. Candy!Dave was out on patrol with a wife who he loved, but who also had very much always been the driving force of their dynamic. He was pulled to the ancient bunker by the narrative where a hologram of Obama expertly guided him through a conversation like a true politician, somehow knowing a lot about Dave while at the same time withholding “classified” information as if that word had any meaning without a country or government holding Obama accountable. (Unless of course Obama was still answering to someone... *Cough cough*the authors*cough cough*). Look, all of this is me saying that Obama was a leftover contrivance of The Prince that The Muse utilized for her own means. Dirk was a skilled programmer and engineer. He had a deep understanding of how to build AIs that could easily impersonate someone. He had an even deeper grasp of how to manipulate Dave. Dirk built the bots. The Bots. The bots that are supposedly NECESSARY for one to Awaken to their Ultimate Self and survive. And yet even if that is TRUE, it isn't true. The Prince claims he was a special case but his powers are of the soul, not the body. And it is the body that breaks down. And we know that Rose really was suffering in her path to Awakening, but I will remind you that her poor condition was first established through narration that we know was under the control of The Prince. Further more it happened prior to the Meat/Candy split, in which the Canon still possessed TRUTH, which is why it still remained RELEVANT in Candy (and it was obviously NECESSARY in Meat for reasons about to be discussed). Both Rose and Dave ultimately played a passive role in their Awakenings, guided to their Ultimate Self by another even though they are both Active players. I believe that The Prince established these rules about Ultimate Selves and built the robot bodies as a way to give him an upper hand against the two characters most likely to overtake him. Because to reinforce a point from a previous post, Rose is the only full on published author among the players and Dave himself has written comics and presumably screenplays for his films, making them the two people who might not only do a better job than The Prince or The Muse, but just do a flat out GOOD job. The Seer especially, which is why The Prince went through the extra effort to disrupt her sense of self as she was coming into her Ultimate Self. If these two had played an Active part in their own Awakening and without The Prince’s influence I think they both would’ve been quite capable of giving The Prince a run for his money. But the humans are not the only players in this game...

As I've already alluded to, Lord English (The Lord), was almost certainly his Ultimate Self. Awakened and Empowered by the treasure (a juju so powerful that it enabled John to retcon things in a way that overrides the timeline instead of splitting it, and it did so without even granting him its actual power). When The Knight awakened, The Muse described it has having all of Time flow through his consciousness, allowing him to experience every instance of his own self. Conversely Jade described that her Ultimate Self would be “like... one ultimate self distributed across multiple bodies. so in multiple places and states at once. every jade that exists is like a light being shined through a thousand cracks in the timeline.” (Hey remember those cracks in the universe that had light peaking through them? Idk, seems RELEVANT if you ask me.) So if we reasonably assume that ones aspect heavily affects how one's Ultimate Self first Awakens and how it operates than that means there will be similarities between those who share aspects. If Awakening for a Hero of Time is an experience of everything that ever has, is, or will happen to a version of themselves, and Lord English possessed a juju that allows one to retcon and not split, than the combination of those powers would make it so he could be the singular instance of himself while at the same time always be “Already Here” than there is truly no difference between Lord English and the theoretical Ultimate version of himself. And since the Muse consumed Lord English at the end of Candy, granting her the power to punch a wormhole in the black hole. This is also presumably where she gained the power to “...exist in several narrative structures at once” (pg 286) (also see the above explanation of Jade's Ultimate Self for why that is RELEVANT). Because of this, we can assume that The Muse is just as indistinguishable from her theoretical Ultimate Self as The Lord was. But these powers and this simultaneous existence is not without consequences because the Muse's collapse at the end of this chapter is almost assuredly a result of Meat!Jade's rebelling against The Muse in chapter 6 (specifically the action on page 167/168). And finally, to tie this back to the imposition of bodily destruction to those who Awaken their Ultimate Self, it is worth noting that The Muse does not possess a body of her own to be destroyed. Instead inhabiting the body of various Jades.

Alright, so once again sorry if you thought there would be some big culmination to this post, and hey, what pumpkin?

[too-many-baes]

Tequila, Bones and Bruises

Pairing: fem!reader x Sam Winchester

Warnings(s): alcohol, injury, mentions of death, fluff, slight angst?

Word Count: 4.6K

Request: “Hey - just saw your requests are open. I know in general Dean gets a lot of love in the fandom but I'm a total Sam girl! Can you do one where reader is a hunter that the boys have known since they were young because John took care of her (aka left her with dean) when her dad was away or something like that... anyway she and Sam have always liked each other but after Jess he's too scared to do anything about it. Maybe Dean helps or something or she totally kicks ass... idk you choose. I trust you” – by Anon

A/N: Thank you anon for your Sam request! I am also a total Sam girl, have been from day dot so I'm glad you gave me the chance to show the tallest Winchester some well earned love 💝 This is probably not what you envisioned at all, ya girl went off on a bit of a tangent... 🤷🏼‍♀️

Masterlist in bio and requests are open

*gif credit [@ aborddelimpala]*

                                                          *******

“Here's to another successful hunt!” You exclaim, placing down a tray full of tequila shots for you and your awaiting companions.

“No no, c'mon Y/N we have another hunt lined up for tomorrow. We should get an early night.” Sam's complaints fall on deaf ears as you defiantly place a shot with a lime wedge balancing upon it in his hand.  You’d expected the protest from the more responsible brother, your rebuttal at the ready.

“Sam we just took down a changeling, the very thing that nearly took John Winchester off the board. If the fact the prodigal children”, the way you referred to the three of you caused an amused snort from Dean, you shooting him a pointed look as you continue, “could do it with all their limbs still intact isn't worth celebrating then I don't know what is.”

“To the prodigal children!” Dean yells, holding his shot glass high in way of a toast. You happily clink his glass repeating his cheers, both of you shooting your drinks in unison. You screw up your face at the unpleasant yet familiar taste, holding the wedge to your lips to relieve the burning sensation from your mouth. Dean places his glass down, refusing to take the reprieve the sour lime would provide. You roll your eyes at his false bravado, turning your expectant gaze to Sam, flicking your eyes from the still full shot in his hand back to his face.

“I'm not doing it”, he states with confidence, placing the glass back on the table.

“C'mon Sam, you really gonna make me and Dean celebrate alone?” You ask, putting on the best puppy dog pout you could. On anyone else you're sure the gesture would have fallen flat, with Sam though you can see his resolve weaken with the relaxing of his shoulders as he puffs out a breath. “Live a little Sammy", you chirp, a testing lilt to your voice.

“Yea, live a little Sammy!” Dean's last encouragement was the straw that broke the camel’s back, Sam shaking his head at himself before throwing the burning liquid down his throat to the sound of you and Dean's cheers.

“Right,” you start as you drum your hands against the table, leaning over slightly to address Dean sitting across from you, “what's the old man gotta say about this one?” You ask, cueing Dean to pull John's old journal (the bible as you liked to call it) from his bag, flipping through the pages to find a similar case.

“Sorry, whose old man is he Y/N?”  Sam asks, you poking his side for his teasing.

Your own dad was barely in the picture when you were a child. How incompetent the Winchesters deemed their father to be speaks volumes about your dad, as he felt he was better off leaving you with John when he went on his benders, which was frequently enough that you barely saw him.

Ever since you’ve referred to John as your old man, often claiming he was the closest thing to a father that you had. This was completely false of course, that role was taken by Dean. As begrudging as he had been initially about having another kid to watch over he warmed to you quickly, as you did to him. Although he treated you like a sister in truth he was the best father figure you've ever had. Not that you'd ever admit that sappy sentiment to him.

The story was entirely different with Sam. While Dean was like a father and big brother wrapped into one gruff, smooth talking parcel, Sam was your first crush before you even understood what a crush felt like. You took an instant shine to the youngest Winchester, him reciprocating. The amount of nights Dean had to yell at you for gossiping into the night were countless, and as you grew up you figured it would just be natural for you to get together. You were certain he felt for you exactly what you did for him.

It was a teary few months when Sam up and left for college without so much as a goodbye. You understood he was angry. He and his fathers relationship had been tumultuous at best but you thought he would have spared you a thought before he ran off into the night. The teary process had started all over again when you and Dean had gone to fetch him only to find he'd shacked up with some pretty sorority girl while there.

Nevertheless you were there to comfort him when the unimaginable happened and Jess had suffered the same fate as his mum, and you were there again when John was taken from them too. No matter how you felt you could always set your own feelings aside, if Sam needed you you'd been there.

Now years on you’d hoped in vain that he might be ready, that maybe all those signals and stolen looks would finally come to something. You had hoped this time round would be different, that time apart had made him fonder and he'd set aside whatever had been holding him back before. Evidently, had been wrong. The lingering looks and playful flirting continued just like before but nothing more. This caused you to doubt every little thing. Maybe he was just joking around and you couldn't see that through your ever hopeful eyes?

After some searching you figure out the creature you'd be hunting tomorrow should be a poltergeist, and after some moaning from you about work time being over Dean sets the book back into it's place so he can mainline tequila with you.

Dean and you end up a few shots ahead of Sam, the fact he'd done as many as he had shocking the both of you. It didn't take Dean long in his half inebriated state to locate the old juke box, lining up one classic rock song after the other. You create a make shift dance floor by pushing some tables aside despite the less than pleased looks from the bartender.

Dean dances, shredding fake guitar solos and singing along much too loudly as you jump around enthusiastically, looking like you were auditioning for an instrument-less band.

Sam sits and watches from the table, grinning at your antics as he is totally unable to stop himself from laughing to himself every time you pull a face or throw up a rock on sign with your hands.

“Alright Sammy, it's your turn to give the lady a dance", he all but yells as he makes his way to sit at your table as you remain hopping about to Metallica.

With a laugh Sam refuses, “No I'm happy with the view from here.”

“Y/N!” Dean yells. Sam shoots him a bug eyed stare, shaking his head at his elder brother. Your head snaps around at the calling of your name, “Sammy here would rather have you dance all by yourself than give you a dance.” He exclaims childishly, you pouting once more as you try to remain standing on the spot, crossing your legs in an effort to stay balanced.

“That is VERY ungentlemanly”, you huff out, the boys laughing at your choice of words.

“Ya hear that", Dean speaks this time at a volume only Sam could hear, “ you wouldn't wanna be ungentlemanly, would ya?” He asks with a quirk of an eyebrow and tilt of his head.

“I know what you're doing Dean", Sam states, his eyes travelling to where you sway alone, completely unaware of the conversation happening just feet away from you. Dean gives a shrug in response.

“So go do it then.” Dean’s firm statement is met with a hesitant shake of the head.

“I can't Dean, what happened with Jess-”

“Sam,” Dean’s stern voice stops Sam before he can finish his self doubting sentence, “What happened with Jess sucked, but you can’t let that hold you back. That girl,” he gestures with his thumb towards your still dancing form, “ain’t gonna be around forever.”

Sam sits a moment before speaking, “That's what I'm afraid of.”

Your hands slamming on the table snaps Deans jaw shut, now unable to refute Sam any further.

“I have danced by myself too long boys. Sam,” you say, dramatically pointing at him with a straight arm, “if you dance with me I'll let you pick the song.” He laughs a hearty laugh but remains seated, prompting you to continue, returning to leaning on the edge of the table. “One time offer Sam, going once, going twice...” You trail off, standing straight and holding your palm face up for him which with an amused roll of the eyes he accepts. You pull him up leaning your whole body into the action, causing him to lightly collide with your much smaller stature, grabbing you gently in case you should fall. You steady yourself just fine despite the giddy, non-alcohol fuelled rush Sam's hands gave you, firmly grasping one of his hands and yanking him to the juke box.

“Okay Sam, pick away.” He doesn't initially begin to pick so you continue, “Look, I'll even cover my eyes so you don't get all shy about it.” For the umpteenth time that night you make Sam laugh, following your request by flicking through the options until he smirks with his selection.

“Alright, are you ready?” Sam asks while simultaneously pulling your hands away from your eyes and pulling you into the centre of the small space. After some silence the first notes of Way Down by Elvis Presley play, putting a beaming smile on your face.

“Elvis!?” You question in shock, knowing Sam could hardly call himself a fan.

“What can I say, I'm a people pleaser”, he answers as he starts to sway your still joined hands to the fast beat of the music.

You danced like idiots the whole song, Sam spinning you around until you were so dizzy you were sure you'd fall, reaching out and gripping his biceps for stability. He grabs you lightly by the waist before speaking, “Are you okay?” He can't keep the laugh from his sentence, knowing he helped cause your loss of balance. Little did he know he hands on you caused the dizziness just as much as the dancing. You raise your head, looking up at those beautiful eyes, the ones you've been pining after since primary school. You nod, lacking the control of yourself to make the move with any kind of conviction, instead remaining a willing hostage to his gaze.

As your eyes stay locked as the juke box whirs and clicks signifying a change in song.  What plays makes your eyes widen in embarrassment, She Loves You by The Beatles. You reluctantly snap your eyes away from one Winchester to the other, who happens to be standing at the jukebox with a shit-eating grin planted on his face. Your cheeks redden like a fire has been lit under your skin. Risking one last look at Sam whose eyes also rest on Dean, you break away and march to the table. Snatching your jacket as well as Dean’s, you clutch yours in hand while you haphazardly toss his so it collides with his chest.

“We're leaving", you state matter-of-factly, shrugging your jacket on and turning to face the boys with hands on hips.

“Y/N-” Sam’s soft tone of voice makes you click your tongue in irritation. You didn't want him to feel sorry for you, avoiding his what you assumed was a pitying gaze as you spin on your heel making your way to the door.

“I'll meet you at the car", you throw over your shoulder, exiting the bar as The Beatles taunting song chases you out.

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.

***

You get into the drivers side door of the impala, an absolute rarity for you. You toss a bottle of water at each Winchester, keeping one for yourself. You forcefully put a burger in Dean's lap, causing an elongated grumble.

“Get with it sunshine", you state without a trace of sympathy, turning the key to start up the car. You drive to the abandoned house, Dean muttering the whole time about not getting too comfortable in the drivers seat. You arrive at the run down, partly boarding up home, rolling to a stop in front of its rickety porch.

“Okay”, you begin, twisting your body around so you have both Sam and Dean in your view, “from what we know this is one nasty poltergeist. It's killed two people already, but there could have been more earlier that we don't know about.” You pause your speech to click your fingers in front of Dean's face after seeing he was spaced out. You look at Sam who is grimacing at the volume you're speaking at. Your eyes roll of their own volition at the hungover men. You were hungover too but they wouldn't be catching you carrying on like that.

“We figured out the bones are probably in the basement-”

“Did we?” You ignore Dean's question in favour of continuing.

“-so since Dean needs bablysitting”, you smack his arm in irritation, “he and I will distract it while you salt and burn the bones.” Sam nods at his being addressed.

The plan now confirmed you all exit the car, you being the first on the porch and at the door after grabbing the necessary equipment from the boot. With the men now present you jiggle the doorknob to find it locked. You instruct the men to stand back and after they oblige you raise your leg and send a forceful kick at it. The wood flings open, dramatically slamming into the wall behind it.

“Damn” you hear Sam mutter, causing a smirk to flicker on your lips as you walk into the run down house. With a brief nod and wishes of luck Sam begins searching for an entrance into the basement, you leading the way into the living room.

You begin to yell and taunt, throwing out profanities and insults to draw the beings attention to you, away from Sam.

Sure enough what furniture remains in the room begins to rumble, a few scattered pieces of wood floating into the air.

“Oh is that all you got?” You goad further against Dean's warnings.

Suddenly pieces of wood fly at you and Dean, intent on getting lodged in your skin. You yank Dean to the side as a broken table launches itself at him, shattering against the wall where he had been standing seconds earlier.

“Move!” You decide that drawing the spirit up higher into the house would help distract it from what's happening below, so you push Dean in the direction of the staircase.

As you ascend frames on the wall fly off at you, making you duck and raise your arms over your head.

Room after room objects are flung at you by an invisible force, Dean at one point being flung across the room like a rag doll.

Just as you're sure the toilet is going to be freed from it's plumbing all of the movement halts. You shoot Dean a smile which he reciprocates, both of you thinking Sam had burnt the bones.

A cry sounding through the house makes your smile fall, realising you had falsely assumed Sam successful.

“Y/N wait!” You ignore Dean's plead as you barrel down the staircase and into the basement.

You find Sam crouched in a dirty corner, a woman in a torn white nightgown and scraggly hair standing over him.

“Hey!” The creature whips around to you just as you unholster your gun and fire a salt round through it, the poltergeist disappearing from the impact. You rush to Sam’s side to assess the damage, finding a large cut running down one side of his face no doubt caused by a collision with the wall. You can find no other immediate injury so you set about finishing what Sam started.

The bones laying only a few feet away were already doused with gas and covered in salt, needing only flames to banish this being from the world. You produce your own lighter from your pocket, opening the Zippo and bringing the little orange flame to life with a flick of your thumb.

“Y/N watch out!” You spin around at Dean's voice in the room, coming face to face with the twisted woman from earlier. With a wicked grin you fly from your crouched position and into a neglected set of drawers. Your side hits its edge, knocking the wind out of your lungs as you promptly fall to the ground.

“Y/N!” You look up at Sam who had let out the frightened cry then to Dean who now had the poltergeist fast approaching him . You clench your teeth, letting out determined huffs as you manage to drag yourself across the ground. Just as the woman is about to set herself upon Dean you drop your lighter atop the bones. Her agonising screeches fill the room as she dissolves to ashes in a burst of light. You let yourself fall onto your back, taking in a deep breath as you stare at the ceiling.

None of you speak as you all take in breaths of relief at the case being over. That is, until Dean breaks the silence.

“Holy shit.”

***

Back at the motel Dean has gone out to get dinner and drinks for you all, you opting to stay and clean up the injured younger brother.

The gash running down his face would luckily be fine without stitches but it would need disinfecting and dressed. You pour the rubbing alcohol you had made Dean buy onto a cotton ball, raising your hand to his face.

“Do I need to tell you this is gonna sting?” He smirks at your teasing question.

“I think we're past that now.” He lets out an involuntary hiss at the alcohol touching his open skin, you grimacing at his discomfort.

As you continue to clean his cut and make sure there are no stray splinters hiding in it you become uncomfortably aware of your proximity. He sits at the edge of the bed and you'd pulled up a stray chair, resting between his legs as you work. A blush rises to your cheeks you know you can do nothing to hide, hoping instead he's polite enough not to mention it.

This isn't the first or last time you've been in a position like this with Sam, but after the bar you felt nervous and unsure of yourself. Sure, you both knew how you felt, but being called out for it even as a joke put tension between you. It's like now what had been largely ignored and overlooked was sitting out in front of you, waiting to be acknowledged. You can see his eyes examining your face as you work, only making the tight feeling in your stomach worse.

You release the breath you were holding tightly within your lungs as you pull away from him, tossing the bloodied cotton into the bin by the bed. You give him a tight lipped smile and  somewhat awkwardly tap his shoulder a few times before standing from the chair. As you do you involuntarily flinch and stiffen, your side singing out in pain now the adrenaline had worn off. You straighten up slowly and attempt to walk to the bathroom, but one of Sam's strong arms reaches out in front of you as you turn away. He lightly takes a hold of your hip, turning you back around to your prior standing position and lightly placing his other hand on your other hip. The already fast beat of your heart increases at the motion, that dizzy feeling from the bar taking hold of your head yet again.

“You’re hurt.” His voice is hardly above a whisper as he looks up at your face from his still seated position. You shrug your shoulders lightly, trying to appear as unperturbed as possible.

“I’ll be fine.” Your nerves betray the collected front you put on, your voice coming out low and scratchy as the words got caught on their way out of your throat.

“Can I see?” He keeps his voice quiet and soft, the imploring look on his face making you lightly nod at him before breaking eye contact as your cheeks light up. Slowly he removes one of his hands from your hip, trailing it across your stomach en route to your injured side. Keeping his eyes on your face he delicately thumbs the hem of your loose shirt before inching the fabric up painstakingly slow until he uncovers the already darkening patches of purple and yellow scattered across your ribs. Holding your shirt in place with one hand he uses the other to ghost his fingers over the area, his touch so feather light that if you hadn't been looking you wouldn't have known he was even touching you.

Your breaths are shallow now, short and desperate as you try to balance your spinning head and erratic heart.

“That'll take a while to heal”, he finally says in conclusion, releasing your shirt for it to fall back in place as he looks up at your face.

“Sam?” He doesn't break the eye contact, a silent signal for you to continue. With the confusion in your heart and head you had no idea what you were about to say until the words passed your lips. “What are we doing?” He knows exactly what you mean, no trace of confusion crosses his face. Yet he does not answer, unsure of what to say.

“It feels like we've been doing this ‘will they, won't they' dance for years.” The words could have come out confident however your breathy delivery of them steals any conviction the statement could have possessed. “Sometimes it feels like I'm going crazy, picking up on things that aren't there”, you say as you nervously fiddle with the hem of your shirt, giving your eyes something to look at rather than his face as you make your confession.

You can feel his eyes have not once left your face since the start of your conversation. From the edge of your vision you can see a sombre smile on his face as he delicately places his hand over both of your much smaller ones, effectively stilling your nervous occupation.

“You're not going crazy Y/N,” you raise your eyes to meet his expectant ones, your hands still held by his, “it's all there.” This is as close to confessing your unspoken feelings the both of you have ever gotten in your long history, leaving you stranded in unchartered territory. You detach your hands from his and take hold of his forearms, him taking the opportunity to once again place his hands on your hips.

“So what are we doing about it?” Neither of you follow up your question with an answer, too far lost in each other’s gaze to speak. Eventually your stare elicits his response, his eyebrow twitching upwards before he speaks.

“I hadn't planned on doing anything about it.” This time it is him that breaks the eye contact, looking off at the ground as he continues. “I've been afraid. I didn't want you to end up like Jess, or worse.” You take his face in between your hands, guiding his eyes back to you.

“You should know by know I can take care of myself.”

“I do. Hell, you saved me and Dean's asses today.” You both smile at his statement, you letting out a breathy, short laugh.

“So what's stopping us now?” You whisper, flitting your gaze between his eyes and lips.

“Nothing.” He firmly pulls you closer, a shiver running down your spine as you lean in.

He finds your lips with his, your fingers going around the back of his neck and grasping at his hair. You’re surprised your already struggling head and heart haven't given up on you yet as his lips delicately glide against yours, the sensation far better than anything you've conjured in a daydream. You sink into the feeling, enjoying the buzz that's spread over your body and the heat radiating off of him.

In a swift movement he shifts his knees between your legs, pulling you down onto his lap so that you’re straddling him. The kiss becomes more desperate as you both press yourselves tightly against each other, hoping to eliminate any space between you. His hands press into you, travelling from your hips and hungrily up your sides.

With that motion the desperate kiss stops as Sam's hand had a little too forcefully slid over your bruised side, causing you to flinch away and let out a hiss.

“Oh my god I'm sorry, are you alright?” He instantly retracts his hands so he can place them on your face, eyes nervous as they scan yours. You can't help but giggle at his overly worried tone. The passionate haze that had saturated you now slowly ebbs away, leaving behind a contented fog. You nod along with your giggles to ease his worry.

“I'm fine.” He lets out a breathy laugh to accompany yours, moving his hands down to your neck and pulling until your forehead touches his.

You stay like that a while, breathing in each other’s air as you enjoy the embrace that you've both been yearning for in silence.

Your tranquillity is shattered with Dean's arrival as he enters the room, loudly struggling with the takeaways and beer. He stops in his tracks when he notices your position. Both you and Sam were too relaxed to leap into action, sitting there like deer in the headlights.

“A-ha!” He throws his head back at his exclamation as he uses his foot to shut the door. You reluctantly separate from Sam, sitting on the bed beside him instead.

“I knew that sappy song would do the trick”, he boasts as he places the items on the small dining table. You reach across the bed, plucking a pillow from the head and promptly throwing it at the cocky Winchester, hitting him in the chest.

“If you think that had anything to do with you you're deluded as well as idiotic”, you bite.

“Yeah right. If I hadn't done that you guys would still be staring at each other every time the others ones back was turned.”

“Dean!” Sam yells in frustration with his brother, Dean raising his hands in surrender.

“Alright. I gotta get a couple more things from the car, that should give you two enough time to get your panties out of a twist.” Your groans in irritation follow Dean out the door, leaving just you and Sam behind once more.

“We are not letting him have any of the credit", you utter, your eyes still fixed on the door. Sam chuckles beside you, linking your fingers and bringing them up to his face where he places a quick kiss on the back of your hand. You smile at his action, him mirroring your gesture.

“Damn right we're not.”

With that you separate, Sam going to help Dean bring stuff in while you decide to go and be the first to indulge in a nice, hot shower.

From the bathroom you can hear Dean's continual bragging of his skills as a matchmaker. You scoff to yourself with a roll of your eyes, knowing he's completely wrong.

Credit needs to go where credit is due. While it may have taken a lot longer than you'd like, you and Sam are finally together, making you the happiest you can ever recall being.

The credit for that belongs solely to the two of you.

                                                     *********

Taglist

@musiclovinchic93​ @hobby27��

[spaceskam]

“We’ll get him back, Michael, I promise.” Isobel says as she cradles a wrecked Michael in her chest.” Ok so it’s my first time sending in a prompt, love your writing! This based on the S2 synopsis, Alex gets kidnapped and Michael is at loss, happy ending please ❤️

Also: “I’m going to find him. If it’s the last thing I’m going to do, I’m going to find him.” Alex is kidnapped and Michael won’t take No as an answer.Also: inspired by vlamis saying that all Guerin wants is to be Alex’s hero

so idk how good this is because i’m actually terrible at coming up with scheming like idk how people do it, just come up with in depth smart plans for their characters to have, i’m atrocious at it.  however i hope you enjoy!

ao3

“What do you mean?”

If anyone bothered to clarify or repeat themselves, Michael didn’t hear them.  Two months ago, he’d ended everything with Maria so he could focus on bringing Max back. A month ago, they did just that.  Three weeks ago, he marched straight to Alex’s cabin and said he was ready to work through all the pain.  Two weeks ago, he’d gone in for a kiss and Alex said it was too soon.

So he gave him some space.

And now he wasn’t there.

“Michael, are you alright?” Isobel asked as she sat on the floor beside him, draping an arm around his shoulder.  He wanted to scoff, to find something snide to throw at her.  “Am I alright?” he’d say, “the love of my life is missing and that’s all you can ask?”

Instead, he couldn’t find any words.  All he felt was heartache and worry and panic.  Alex needed him and he wasn’t there.  Alex was strong, a force to be reckoned with, and yet something had happened to him.  It could be literally anything. He could be being tortured for information or he could be dead or he could be tied up in a basement. Or he could be dead.

Please don’t be dead.

“Last time I talked to him was a week ago. Anyone hear from him more recently?” Kyle asked, keeping a cool head even though he was the one telling everyone that Alex Manes was MIA. No one said anything. “Okay. So sometime between then and this morning, someone took him.”

“Well, how do you know someone took him? Maybe he just left on his own,” Liz said. Michael wanted to thank her for being positive, but he was angrier that she was holding up the conversation over bullshit that didn’t happen.

“His car was gone, but there…” Michael could feel them looking at him, trying to figure out if he could take what Kyle was about to say. “There looked like a struggle inside the cabin. Shit was everywhere, it didn’t look like any of his clothes were gone. Front door was open. There was… blood on the floor and the counters.” Michael brought his knees closer to his chest and he tried to block out the horror of what had just been said. Someone made Alex bleed.

Or maybe Alex made someone else bleed.

Maria seemed to speak his mind, “I know Alex, he wouldn’t let anyone take him without a fight.”

“Yeah, but they still got him,” Max pointed out as if anyone needed that fucking confirmation.  Michael balled himself up even more.  This was clearly a dream.  A horrifically bad one.  One that he could wake up from if he tried a little harder and then Alex would be there when he did and they could kiss and kiss and kiss until he forgot all about this.

Michael squeezed his eyes shut, rocking slightly in place as he desperately tried to wish it away.  He just needed to wake up.  Wake up and be with Alex.  Alex wasn’t gone, no one could’ve taken him, no one…

“Michael!  Michael, listen to me, you need to calm down,” Isobel’s voice reached out to him, her hands cupping his cheeks.  This was real.  It wasn’t a dream.  The noise that pushed out of his body once he realized that was the most pathetic sound he’d ever made.  It showed on Isobel’s face.  “Oh, Michael, we’ll get him back, I promise.” She pulled his head tightly to her chest, combing her hands through his hair.

The room was silent.  It made Michael feel even worse.  Why weren’t they talking about Alex?  Why were they focusing on him instead of focusing on how to get Alex back?

“Why are you all just fucking standing here?!” Michael yelled, not moving from his place in Isobel’s arms.  He had faith that his tone and the slight shake of the furniture in the room made them realize how serious he was.  “We know who took him!  It was his fucking dad!”

“Mikey,” Liz started this time.  Great.  “Alex’s dad just got out of the hospital.  I don’t think he capable of kidnapping.  Even if Alex is dis‒”

“Oh, don’t you even act like Alex missing his leg makes him weak at all!  He could fucking kill all of you if he wanted to!  And honestly, he should because you aren’t fucking helping!” Michael barked.  More than one object shot across the room and he’d tried to lift his head, but Isobel had a death grip on him.

“Michael, you aren’t helping by freaking out.  Take a deep breath, and use your words‒calm ones.” Isobel dictated, sounding like she had so many times in their life.  Michael closed his eyes once again, breathing slowly.  At first, it was a last-ditch attempt at waking up from this fucking nightmare, but once he realized that wasn’t it, he decided to listen.  

He could be calm.  Calm meant Alex.  Alex needed him.  He’d let him down before, he wasn’t about to do it again.

“His dad probably got his brothers in on it.  Or, or at least Flint.  Guy has some twisted view that whatever he does for his dad is to protect Alex,” Michael explained, sniffling hard as he rubbed at his eye, “It wouldn’t surprise me if he tried to get Alex to go see his dad to talk about Project Shepard and Alex wouldn’t listen, so he tried to force him and then Alex probably used more force than anticipated and then…” He couldn’t say it.  It hung in the air regardless.  Everyone knew the only way Alex got pulled out of that cabin was either by unspeakable violence.

“Okay, but maybe that’s not it?  I mean, Alex did put himself in the middle of a government conspiracy for us, it could be any number of people.  Could even be an alien,” Max said and Michael was starting to regret bringing him back.

“Yeah, maybe, but it definitely couldn’t hurt to look into his dad.  Dude’s psychotic,” Kyle explained, mindlessly rubbing over where he’d been shot.  Michael took a few deep breaths, doing his best to steady his mind before he stood up.  Again, all eyes were on him.  He was getting quite tired of that.  What was so hard about focusing on Alex?  It literally was the easiest thing in the world.

“I’m gonna go find him.  If you wanna sit here blowing yourselves, fine, I’m gonna go get Alex,” Michael said.  However, he could barely take a step before multiple pairs of arms yanked him onto the couch.  It was a chorus harmonizing ‘you’re crazy’ with ‘have you lost it?!’ and he was so over the false niceties. “Let me go get Alex!”

“We can’t go in blind!” Kyle scolded, shaking his head. He was awfully close to Michael, having been the first one to stop him, and Michael was beginning to wonder why he cared.  “We need to think this through, okay?  If we just go in, alien minds blazing, then we could just get everyone killed.  We need to be smart about this.  We don’t even know if he has him, much less where or what he’s done to him.  We’ll get him back, Guerin.”

Michael swallowed back the tears that ached in his throat, “I need him.”

“I know, Michael, I know,” Isobel cooed, cradling him against her chest once again.  Kyle gave a tight smile and put his hand on his knee.

“I’m gonna find him.  If it’s the last thing I do, I’m gonna find him,” Michael grumbled, his knees coming back to his chest.  His ears filled with demeaning sentiments that they knew.  But they didn’t know, couldn’t know.  He and Alex had stayed virtually silent on their relationship.  Everyone knew they had some feelings, but mainly it was assumed to be a brief fling in high school.  Max knew that being caught with him had gotten his hand fucked, but that’s about it.  Liz and Maria knew he was Museum Guy, but that’s about it.  Isobel knew that Alex knew everything about him, but that’s about it.  Oddly enough, Kyle was the closest to knowing, and still, all he knew was that they still loved each other after a decade of bullshit and that’s about it.

No one understood how they’d spent so many years trying to navigate each other and themselves.  No one got that he’d thought about Alex every day for a decade. No one knew about Caulfield. They definitely didn’t know that the sex was so good it felt more natural than breathing.  Not just the sex.  Touching him, kissing him, holding him.  If they’d just had a few more weeks to work at it, talking would’ve come just as easy.  Alex was his, he was Alex’s.  They were all just too stupid to see it.  Too stupid to understand that he was missing a piece of himself when Alex wasn’t there.

“Maybe you should get some‒”

“I swear to god, if you say sleep, I’m going to throw you through a window,” Michael said, narrowing his eyes at Kyle who was still knelt in front of him, “Alex could’ve gotten taken a week and a half ago.  I’m not wasting time.  We start planning now.”  Kyle stared for a moment, clearly debating what to say.  Michael never stopped glaring at him as he checked around the room to make sure everyone was on board.  Kyle stood up.

“Okay.  Let’s get to work.”

*

“Are you sure this is a good idea, Michael?”

“It’s the only one I’ve got.”

Twenty-four hours after realizing Alex was missing, they were headed to the Project Shepard bunker.  To Michael, it felt like twenty-five hours too late.  They weren’t stupid and Jesse Manes wasn’t either.  If he’d taken Alex, he would’ve taken him somewhere that they’d be able to find him.  Squeezing information out of Alex was a hard task, but even if they’d managed to get every piece he knew, it still wasn’t was he wanted.  Jesse Manes wanted Michael, Max, and Isobel either dead or in captivity.  What’s better bait than Alex?

It killed Michael that it took them that long to notice Alex was gone.  He’d called him a handful of times since then and he’d thought endlessly about going over, but he thought he was being ignored for making him uncomfortable and the last thing he wanted was to push him away by being overbearing.  Turns out him not taking action for once may have gotten Alex killed.  

The idea alone had Michael ready to kill.

“So, walk me through this one more time?” Max groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.  Michael stepped on the gas a little harder.

“I bust the door in.  Let’s say there’s four guys other than Jesse, I’ll throw them all against the wall.  Max, you take the biggest one.  Iz and Liz, you two go after another one and Liz holds him while Iz gets in his mind and politely suggests he stops.  Kyle, you go after the other one.  Maria, if there’s another one, be careful, but point that gun at him.  I got Jesse and Alex,” Michael said.  

It’s what he’d been saying since the moment they decided they needed a plan.  They kept trying to tell him that he needed something more than that, but the fact of the matter was they didn’t know what they were going into and there wasn’t a way to find out.  So they all put on bulletproof vests and Max and Maria had guns on them.  Michael was a weapon in his own right, Isobel was strong enough to get into someone’s mind quickly, and Kyle had spent some time training with Alex enough to have a basic understanding of self-defense.  It was all they had to go on.

“God, this is such a bad idea,” Kyle scolded.  Michael huffed, slamming his hand against the steering wheel as he turned onto the dirt road that led to the bunker.

“You didn’t have a better one!” Michael yelled.  No one argued.

It was hauntingly silent in the car, the weight of what they were doing really setting in.  Alex’s life was in their hands.  Their plan was already half-baked at best, there was so much room for fuck ups.  All Michael knew was that he’d die saving Alex and it was the main drive of confidence.

Even when he pulled up to the bunker.

Everything moved in slow motion as they entered the way Micahel had suggested, the door flew open with ease.  It felt stupid, riddled with plausible ways for them all to end up dead or hurt or fucked up in some way.  He was stupid.  That stupidity felt amplified when there was no one in sight.  Maybe Alex really did just leave…

“I don’t think anyone’s here.  Maybe we were wrong,” Max said as if he had any part in guessing where Jesse Manes might’ve taken him.  Michael rolled his eyes, walking further into the bunker.  Maybe he wasn’t there, maybe Alex just left because he scared him away, but Michael had stressed himself out too much to leave without looking.  He was going to search this place top to bottom.

“Michael,” Isobel tried as he began looking beneath the table and the desk. He didn’t listen, closing his eyes to see if he could feel Alex.  He’d gotten really good at that‒well, especially with Alex.

“Guerin, seriously, I think‒”

“Shut up,” Michael snapped, taking a deep breath as he tried to find Alex and call out to him.  Maybe he should’ve done that first.  Then again, he wasn’t exactly known for his logical decision making.

And he called Alex, searching for him wherever he may be.  His palms began to burn as he felt something.  It was murky, it was faint, but it felt like Alex and it was close and that’s all he needed.

“Alex?!” Michael yelled, causing nearly everyone around him to jump and glare him.  But if Alex was close enough, he’d probably hear him scream better than he heard him in his head and he wasn’t about to blow that.  Still, paranoia began to feed into his already ridiculously high worry when whatever he had been feeling was yanked away, leaving that part of him cold and empty all over again.  That can’t be good.

Voices called after Michael as he darted down the hall.  He looked everywhere he could, his mind throwing open each door he passed them.  No Alex.  Michael barely had time to try to call out for him again when he reached the final two doors and spotted a trail of blood leading to one of them.

Found it.

Michael blew the door off its hinges and into pieces, already huffing and puffing and ready to destroy some Manes Men before he could even get a good look at what was inside.  He didn’t really know what he was expecting, but what he saw really wasn’t it.

The room was indeed covered in blood, but it didn’t seem to be Alex’s.  Rather, it belonged to a few other Manes Men.  In the middle of the floor, there was a pile of Jesse Manes and two of his sons, neither of which was Alex, but all of which were unconscious.  They were tied up in complex knots that coursed around their bodies and over their mouths and around their hands and feet, creating one giant human lump of flesh that was partially covered in dried blood.

“Really, Guerin?” Alex was leaned up against the far wall and, aside from the split lip, messy hair, and missing prosthetic, he looked fine.  Well, he looked annoyed.  The entire scene had Michael’s head reeling in confusion, trying to piece together the scene and how the hell it had ended up like that.  Had Alex done all that and ended up with nothing but a split lip?

“I… came to save you?” Michael said though he knew it wasn’t convincing.  His eyes raked over the scene a couple more times as the Knock-Off Justice League bounded up behind him to do the same.

“Uh-huh, I bet, my hero,” Sarcasm dripped from Alex’s voice.  That quickly reminded him that Alex was here and speaking.  Alex was alive.

Michael crossed the room in record time, scooping him up in his arms.  Alex wiggled his hands-free, bringing them around Michael’s shoulder and petting his head as if on instinct.  He didn’t even realize he was crying until Alex started shushing him.

“Jesus Christ, Alex, what the hell happened?” Kyle asked from behind them.  Michael squeezed Alex a little tighter, a silent plead to never leave him alone with Kyle again.  He could be nice and all, but Michael was pretty sure Alex needed more hugs.  From everyone.  Why was Michael the only one hugging?

Why was Michael the one being comforted?

“Idiots came to my cabin a few days ago, tried to get information out of me, somehow forgot I was specially trained to be on special task forces.  One of them sedated me, so I guess they’re not all idiots,” Alex chuckled.  He fucking chuckled.  Michael sniffled against his neck, feeling Alex’s cheek mindlessly rub against his temple.  Alex.  “I was out for a day or two, I guess, when I woke up they had me tied up in here.  Something about me being a good way to get the aliens or some shit.  Assholes took my leg, I have no idea where they put it.”

“Alex, are you okay?” Maria asked.  Finally, someone asked.  Alex hummed, his fingers weaving into Michael’s hair.  He squeezed him tight, Alex’s breath hitching a little bit.  Michael loosened his grip.  Sort of. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

“I’m right here,” Alex whispered to him before answering anyone else.  Michael wondered if he could hear him, feel him.  “I’m fine, yeah.  You guys came at a good time, so, uh, thanks.  Been waiting here for like an hour trying to figure out how to get out of here without crawling.”

“And you… did… that?” Max asked.

Alex snorted, “Didn’t really have a choice.  So, like, I know you came to save the day, so could you guys go find where they put my leg?”

A few lackluster mumbles later, they found themselves alone. Michael was fully aware they’d hyped up this mission only for Alex to mostly have saved himself, but he didn’t even care.  Alex was okay and that was the biggest relief in the fucking world.

“Guerin, are you okay?” Alex asked softly, craning his neck in an attempt to see his face.  Michael was too terrified to let go.  Last time he let go, Alex got kidnapped.  Alex was strong and smart and could survive a fucked up situation, but Michael didn’t even want him to have to.  There was no fucking way he was letting go again.  Especially when he was missing a prosthetic and Michael was basically functioning as a crutch.

“Shut up, are you sure they didn’t hurt you?  I was so fucking worried.  I haven’t been able to breathe for, like, a million hours,” Michael sniffled, letting out a heavy groan as he tried to stop crying.  Alex just smiled at him and that felt like an incentive to stop the fucking waterworks.

“Mmm, how long did it take you to notice I was gone?”

“I didn’t.  I thought you were mad at me and ignoring me for trying to kiss you, so I was giving you space.  Well, I blew up your phone, but I didn’t want to go to your house, that was all Valenti,” Michael admitted, that shitty feeling in his stomach stirring up again.  What kind of boyfriend was he going to be if he didn’t even notice that he was gone?

“Thank you for respecting my space,” Alex said as if he wasn’t annoyed with him.  He had to be annoyed with him.

“Thank you for being a fucking badass and keeping yourself safe,” Micahel gushed, squeezing him again.  Alex laughed softly, pressing a sweet kiss to his temple.  A pathetic whimper fell from Micahel’s throat, his eyes closing as he tried to savor that stupid little touch.  He didn’t expect any more.  “I’m so sorry.”

“Shut up, Guerin, I’m okay.  You’re okay.  We’re okay,” Alex promised, massaging his scalp as he finally squeezed him back.  Michael wanted to collapse.

“I was so scared I would never see you again, that the last time I’d see you would be me being stupid,” Michael admitted.  Alex hummed softly and Michael didn’t even get a response before Max came in holding the prosthetic like a trophy.

Michael found it hard to keep away from Alex.  Even as he coldly said to leave the men on the floor and as he put on his prosthetic and as he walked towards his truck as if nothing had happened.  He didn’t want him to leave his sight.

“Michael, honey, let Alex go home.  He’s had a rough few days,” Isobel cooed all over again.  He wanted to fight and argue that they had literally all went to rescue him and they were acting like it wasn’t a big deal, but he quickly had to face the reality that it wasn’t.  Everyone was completely fine, no one had to do anything big or bad or dangerous.

Except for Alex.  And they thought it was okay for him to be alone after that.

“Alex, seriously?  You want to be alone?” Michael asked, pulling at Isobel’s hand as she held onto him.  He felt like a child. Maybe he was, he did come up with the world’s worst plan and did no day-saving.  He failed Alex.  That was shone all over Alex’s face as he stared at him over the hood of his car.

But Alex sighed, “C’mon, Guerin, you can drive.  I’m still a little hazy anyway.”

He didn’t have to be told twice.  

Michael climbed into the driver’s seat of the car and completely ignored everyone else that wasn’t Alex Manes.  He managed to clear his eyes and his head enough before he started up the car, heading to the cabin like it was second nature.

“Are you sure you wanna go back there?” Michael asked, “I mean, do you feel safe at a place they took you?”

“I’ll be fine.  Just clean up the blood and give it a few weeks, it’ll go back to normal,” Alex assured.  When Michael looked over, his eyes were closed.

“You sure?”

“Guerin, I know for a fact that I’ll be safe if you’re there with me, so stop questioning me and just stay with me for a while,” Alex told him.  He was tired and sounded a little annoyed and he probably didn’t mean it, but to Michael, it meant the world.  He made him feel safe.  Even though he was excruciatingly bad at rescue missions, even though he let him get taken in the first place, he made him feel safe.  He didn’t know what that meant for them or how long it would last, but he was going to cherish it.

Maybe he really was his hero.

[amphtaminedreams]

To All the Characters I’ve Overly Identified with Before: Borderline Personality Disorder and Attachment to Fictional Characters

It’s been a month, and I’m still not over how Game of Thrones ended. I’m still not over the way that a character who, throughout the previous seventy something episodes of the show, was only ever ruthless towards people who were deserving of her wrath (within the context of westerosi justice because let’s not forget everyone’s favourite man of honour Ned Stark decapitated a young man for running for his life in the first episode), suddenly massacred a whole city in the penultimate episode. I’m not over the way that writers who spent the previous seasons showing that they were capable of translating the moral ambiguity of George R.R Martin’s characters from page to screen, got lazy and left us with a character whose actions became impossible to defend right as the show was ending. I’m not over the way that such a beautifully complex character who endured so much hurt and trauma was reduced to nothing more than a “crazy woman” by a couple of male writers in her final moments. I’m not over the fact that Emilia Clarke put her heart and soul into the character and did everything she could to bring Daenerys Targaryen to life for David Benioff and Dan Weiss to both literally and figuratively assassinate her.

I think those feels have been felt by a lot of Game of Thrones fans since the show ended. God knows I’ve watched enough youtube video essays and read enough articles and liked enough tweets reiterating the sentiment. Daenerys Targaryen was, in my opinion, the best character on Game of Thrones. I wasn’t angry because she didn’t end up sitting on the throne (though my boy Drogon made sure nobody else ever would either and I guess I can get behind that), I was angry because all the balance that made her character so great was thrown out the window in order to progress the story of her male counterpart and bring a show that probably could’ve done with another 2 seasons to an end. Dany has always had a dark side, she is the “fire” that the title of the book series refers to, but throughout the show, we’ve never seen her indulge that side to the point of no return. We’ve seen her wrestle with it and use it to exact punishment on those who deserve it when needs be, and that was part of what I liked about her. Not to go all feminist essay on anyone’s ass but we don’t usually get to see women in TV who are celebrated for their powers of intimidation, and I liked how prior to season 8, the narrative never made female characters like Dany or Arya or Brienne out to be monsters for killing people the same way that basically every single man on the show did at one point or another. I liked that sometimes she was a little excessive because it made sense, she did have “dragon” in her, and she still had lines she wouldn’t cross, clear values and principles; she fought for the innocent, for women and for children, and for freedom. On a personal level, I loved her because we watched her go from a lonely, scared and vulnerable girl to a strong, ambitious and self-assured woman and that was a trajectory I wanted to relate to.

And then all of a sudden, without any justification or build up at all, she’s a mass murderer of the same “downtrodden” people she always claimed to fight for. Fuck, I’m thinking. I literally watched that episode through my hands because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. When I say I cried on and off for about 3 days after I watched the final episode, I’m not exaggerating; I only need to see a screen cap now a month later or an interview with Emilia Clarke and I’m off again. It literally felt as if I was mourning the loss of a real person. But this isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of attachment to a character. Daenerys Targaryen was probably just the last in a long list of women I overly identified with.

I’m not much like her at all really, I’ve burnt myself from taking the film off my microwaved lasagne and not moving my thumb away from the hot air in time (lmao), however, I think I saw parts of myself in her journey and traits that I wanted to have, thus, I latched on. Before Daenerys Targaryen there was Spencer Hastings and before her there was Cassie Ainsworth and then if we’re gonna throw it all the way back, there was Hermione Granger (and some other characters I was more mildly obsessed with along the way, Katniss Everdeen, Bree Van de Kamp and Cosima Niehaus, I’m looking at you). I still love all those characters now but when their respective shows or films were actually current, I was completely obsessed. I spent my 16th birthday at the Harry Potter studios on the outskirts of London with my family, forget birthday parties or meals out with my friends. I wished more than anything that I had 2 best friends that loved me unconditionally and I did my best to emulate that drive and intelligence and work ethic everyone associates with Hermione. I told myself I was just like her even though I lacked the confidence to put my hand up in all but one of my classes and last time I checked, was just trying to conquer GCSEs not fight an evil wizard snaked hybrid man or whatever Voldemort is.  I identified with the loneliness and the need for control that I saw in Cassie, and was like “oH eM GeE, tHat’s sO mE!” at Spencer’s perfectionism. When I was speeding for my exams (and then, unfortunately, for long after), I felt spiritually connected to that whole Pretty Little Liars arc where Spencer started popping adderall on the daily even though I could really only wish for someone to care about me enough to stalk me like A did and the worst possible outcome of my all nighter was not taking in enough content to bullshit my way through a 30 marker.

They would understand me, they would be my friend. They represent me. That was the baseline sentiment of my obsession. And I think that’s the borderline part of me jumping out. See, such a huge part of BPD is feeling unwanted and misunderstood and forgettable and really, deeply lonely.  Like it’s a kind of loneliness I think you feel like an actual person can never really fulfil because the (faulty and not necessarily reflective of reality) thought pattern is that they’ll lose interest and leave you sooner or later. Fictional characters are always there, until the show gets cancelled or the character gets killed off, at least, and then comes the completely disproportionate tidal wave of grief. They exist in a different world too, a one that feels a lot less dangerous (even if it’s actually way more dangerous, I mean I really wouldn’t last five fucking minutes in Westeros) and detached from the often chronically muted reality of BPD.

Then there’s the trouble with the sense of self, part and package of BPD for most, which facilitates, you know, thinking that a genius witch or, like, any character in skins (because in hindsight as great as that show was, WHY DO NONE OF THEM HAVE JOBS YET SEEMINGLY AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF DRUGS AND PARENTS THAT NEVER SEEM TO CARE WHERE THE HELL THEY ARE!?) resembles you as a person in any way. Though I suppose I’m learning recently as I begin to reflect more on what I enjoy and value, I’ve never had much more than a vague idea of what my positive qualities are, so when I saw them fully realised in a character it was a treasure trove of mannerisms and traits and ways of carrying oneself to adopt. It becomes a mould into which you can squeeze the ball of meh-ness and uncertainty you feel you resemble. Now I’m realising that although it might take me a little more time and a lot more effort, it’s much more rewarding to become the very best version of myself, but back then, I suppose I didn’t recognise why I was doing what I was doing. 

I only got diagnosed with BPD and started learning about it when it was 19, so all the years before that were pretty much spent unaware of the reasons why I had these quirks. As I “recover” (I suppose that’s the right word) and I get back into hobbies and spend more time with friends, I feel like I’m beginning to discover more and more of who I am. I’m starting to accept that there are positive things about me and plenty of things for people to like, right here in this world, not some fictional one.

I still love characters way too much and get overly attached and invested in TV shows but even that doesn’t necessarily have to be something to be ashamed of. When I’ve got into *ahem* discussions with people online about characters before, I’ve occasionally gotten the “why do you care so much, it’s not real life!” in response, and I mean, there’s definitely a point to be made if your passion for something is causing you to lash out at real life people with real life feelings. But when you’re not, when it can give you hours of discussion and entertainment and can drive you to make real positive changes in the world too, what’s wrong with passion? There’s nothing I love more than having a conversation with someone who I can tell really loves what they’re talking about, so why should I be ashamed of having the capacity to become deeply invested in things too? I think as long as it’s not taking over my life as I have allowed it to do so in the past, there’s nothing wrong with having passion for fictional things or for anything, for that matter. As long as it’s not something fucked up, like idk, white supremacy or Rick and Morty (JOKING). 

I don’t regret loving all the things I loved because being a huge Harry Potter fan for so many years did give me an escape when I absolutely hated myself and couldn’t find much enjoyment in real life. I hope that if I do have children one day, they’ll love it too, maybe not quite as much as I did but enough for it to give them all the joy it gave me, all the same. So in summary, yeah, fuck David Benioff and Dan Weiss (lmao, I’m joking, they’re just shitty original screenplay writers who could probably do with a class or two on how to write female characters), but also, understand before you make fun of someone for being overly invested in something that there’s probably a good reason for it and that, at the end of the day, they’re usually not hurting anyone. I’ll probably still be stanning Daenerys Targaryen and pretending season 8 episode 5 didn’t happen until the day I die. Let me live, okay?

Lauren x

[unproduciblesmackdown]

you said random number so.. gimme 5, 17, 24, 26, 38, and 43

#epic thank you!!!! sorry this is so long, gang, but you know me. press J if you have that keyboard shortcut option

5)favorite fics?

soph nothingunrealistic’s!! click the link & peruse any of the dozen gifts to this world on ao3. also just go right to her writing tag

17)a fandom you wish more people were in/you had more people to talk to about?

well i don’t Really have an answer for this one, but just yesterday it was once again time to talk abt how jaclyn moriarty’s 4-book ashbury/brookfield YA series is a lot of fun and unusual in good ways, but like, i guess what with being published throughout the aughts and like, not being super obscure but also not being explosively popular, and idk maybe they were also more Known in australia than the US, and, idk, but there’s not exactly what you’d call a Fandom online, or even very many traces of one. and i just like to mention the series as Fun To Read because they are very lively and focus on girls and have a real variety of Girl Characters (and also some boy characters who are also varied and fun but that’s just a bonus) and in particular i like to talk about how the third book has a really Unusual Choice Of Protagonist (the unfun unpopular Best Grades by-the-book overachiever etc etc etc nerd girl, kinda having the personality that ppl misinterpret alana beck’s personality to be lol, like something of a killjoy goody-two-shoes lol, but also with that earnestness and drivenness that alana has as well)......and the format of each book is Epistolary, but in different and creative ways each time, and it’s fun how like, the characters who are telling the story (the ones whose letters are used and etc) rotate with each book [tho emily and lydia are Storytellers in the 2nd And 4th books] and it’s very neat how like, you do get that sense that just b/c someone’s not being Focused On as much from different people’s perspectives doesn’t mean they aren’t still existing and present and doing stuff and having their own story, even when that’s not being mentioned by whoever’s writing down the events that we’re reading. we love that sentiment. anyways i just like to always Promote them.

24)who are you at the end of this decade?

hmmm!! i mean in many ways i am who i have been the whole time but yknow, 2009 - 2019 was a tumultuous period. i was always furiously trying to think through Who Am I As A Person for various reasons, even though like, when you’re in ur mid-teens that’s always In Progress rather than there being a really set answer to be discovered, and for a while it was a lot of frustration with myself all “why are you like [this], why can’t you do [that] right,” etc etc. but eventually i had like, a better frame of reference for a lot of what was going on, and even why i never quite felt like i had a great sense of Who I Am and What I Like and etc in the first place, and more understanding and respect for myself lol. even now it’s like, yknow i’m ~self-consious~ in ways often lol and i’ll sometimes Use that to be like, okay try to improve [this thing] about yourself!! and yknow on the one hand i feel like stuff i’ve been Working On for years Has paid off in ways, but then recently it’s like......okay hang on but like, it’s not a bad thing to like, have some traits that maybe aren’t gonna be seen as “perfect” or might be annoying or yknow, your Demeanor and Vibe isn’t always like, the most important thing to focus on lol or something where like, oh being sweet & saintly & coming across as utterly pleasant to everyone always gets to be The Objective Ideal. like, i’m opinionated and can be argumentative and sometimes impatient?? like, there’s a balance here between “good to be trying to Improve Yourself always or whatever lol” and “but also everyone is People with Traits and Different Personalities and everyone doesn’t have to just sand themselves down into an edgeless smooth sphere” and like, sure it’s like “haha i’m a bit more temperamental than i’d like still” but also i sure sympathize w/ the fact that like, oof, depression makes it tricky sometimes! and i do pretty okay at like, being Aware of when my mood is cursed and trying to be as chill about it as poss! or like, “haha wish i was better at conversation lmao” but yknow also understanding that like.....i’m just kinda Not great at it and that’s what’s Natural for me and like, again, a balance between “trying to be easier to talk to, lol” and “being okay with the fact that i’m not super easy to talk to and most ppl aren’t very easy for me to talk to either, lol”

im trying to be a bit less cagey lol which i guess might not be the first word someone might use to describe me for a variety of reasons, But......and but then also, i just like, for me there is no simple Be Yourself, Just Talk Naturally As U Would conversation mode lol, but you know. it’s hardly a pressing issue, and at the same time, like, sometimes when i find it hard to talk to people it’s like “well this is just you needing to Be Nicer” or whatever, or like, well you’re just not used talking to Anyone so like, push through it, and then it takes me a while to realize like, well no you just don’t love talking to them, lmao......and at the same time i’m Really slow to realize when people *do* actually enjoy talking to me, lmao, i am just not used to it And used to people like, not really being super interested in interacting with me even if they think i’m alright lol. lord! so i’m still slightly surprised whenever Anyone likes me, but also like, then again there’s sort of always these repeated scenarios where it’s like [Glum Trombone Noise] i’m also the recipient of various ppl’s various contempt for various reasons........which like, i sure don’t Absorb that as like “way 2 go, you deserve that” but also like, sure also never is the most fun experience of your life. but i have a way more solid sense of the fact that like, i don’t inherently deserve that, and an understanding of Why people will be Like That sometimes, and that’s all been acquired knowledge from the whole journey of this decade lol

also like, i have always been and continue to be like, Basically A Cat lol.....cats-sonas for everyone, ___ the ___ cat, But Seriously Folks........like, oh, there’s a lot of ppl and/or noise around?? unless i have chosen to put myself in that situation for fun, i’m probably gonna be finding whatever quiet / distant corner to hide out in and try to remain as undetected as possible.......kinda wary about interacting with people sometimes, though then also, i like to be friendly w/ strangers (if they’re friendly with me) and won’t necessarily mind spontaneous interactions but only if it’s Plausibly Expected in the situation, and even then, i might just prefer that Nobody Talk To Me......and i’ve yet to be Really comfortable in a group of ppl if i’m there *with* that group lmao, like, i don’t like to take the lead or compete for attention or anything and just kinda will try to do my own thing on the outskirts, whereas if i’m by myself it’s just like, i feel a lot more comfortable and like i can just do whatever lmao..........and also i don’t like to make noise lol. unless again, it’s deliberate, and it’s Fun. like at a concert? i will be the death of whatever nerd like, wants it to be like a solemn “listening to a record” occasion or wants everyone to yell out complete sentences if a performer asks an Arena full of people How Are You Doing 2nite or whatever. i’m gonna yell!!! anyways. idk. i am always like “oh i am Very Much [this way], except for all the times i am totally [the would-be Opposite way]”........i can’t really opt out of having Anxious Qualities and that’s alright, even though it does get in the way of things sometimes for sure. like, c’est la vie!!! i understand why i am like this, and that like, while for my own sake i can try to hold my own hand here and encourage myself to be a little bolder, it’s totally fine that like, i have Problems and Difficulties. 

i’m also at like, maybe the lowest levels of Impending Dread that i’ve had since i was like, 8 or some shit lmao............like again kind of a Wild Decade and one where like, it was totally all like “wow am i even gonna make it to [a few yrs in the future] -> [a year in the future] -> [half a year from now]” aaand it hasn’t been a full year yet since i was last thinking like “lmfao oof i might not be alive by __, who knows!!” but even while that was going on it was at least an improvement from the times i thought i might like, hmm hope i don’t off myself. and like, this is probably the first Start Of A Year in like. well possibly the past decade lmao, where yknow, it hasn’t felt quite as dire. i mean im not really out here a cockeyed optimist about anything, and like, i’m aware that things are always a little tenuous and there’s other factors i’m always nervous about, but That’s nothing new, and i’m kinda more like, neutral about the future rn lol? feeling less Dread and Doom is new-ish lmao and like, allowing that yknow, despite how crappy the past decade has been re: how i felt in my Outlook, there’s been a bunch of surprising Good Things to come along, and i totally allow for the fact that that could easily continue to happen. having Less(ened) Bad Feelings about Things might not = Absolutely Thriving but i appreciate it!! i also try to be appreciative lmao. like, what with the dread and doom & (hope i don’t die this year, i guess,) feelings, it’s wildly hard nowadays for me to like, anticipate stuff in a ~fun~ way or at all, but yknow when anything nice, even a really small / unspectacular / ordinary moment and/or detail, is being experienced by me, i try to enjoy that. i like to be Appreciative. and i think i’m also sort of like, sharing more of myself than i’ve probably gotten to or felt capable of doing in the past, and i appreciate that a lot too. like, it can be really Depressing for sure to think of like, hmm i haven’t had the chance to like, feel in control of things and like things are Totally Fine and i feel Totally Okay & like i’m enjoying everything, and i can choose to pursue [things i might enjoy], and maybe i Won’t have that chance? [another glum trombone noise] but like. i appreciate the good experiences that i Do and Have gotten so far. and the fact i’ve ever been in situations to connect with people and enjoy things the ways that i can and like, it’s really nice that My Presence in other ppl’s lives, even as just like Some Online Rando re: some ppl lmao, has had some positive effect for them or even just been enjoyed is like, wow, this is pretty great lol.........not sure where i was taking this tangent but like, i am someone who appreciates this a lot.

hmm i am also a passionate person at the end of this decade lmao!!!! that has definitely always been true. i am Of That Temperament. it is funny b/c like, the fact that i am A Motormouth Actually But Often Not Saying Anything In The Least To People, they think i’m like, of this very mild disposition and Not someone with strong opinions that they will launch into, or else i would have been doing that already........but you know!!! here i am online, fully able to just dive into things and start talking about whatever for one million years. and i sure latch onto stuff in a Big Way sometimes, which is why anyone follows me at all lol, b/c if you like [whatever particular content] and i am just all about that too, it’s a beneficial situation for us both i guess lmao. i can get really excited and focused about stuff, obviously, and i sure Also Obviously like to explore the emotional aspects of things. which is a vague thing to say lmfao but you all know what i mean!!! it continues to be the only reason i draw lmaooo like i draw so much and like, Making Fanart And Sharing It Online has i think also been a journey of this decade for me, and i really only draw a) exactly that fanart that i feel like making, and b) what i feel like making is always also probably abt Feelings somehow, like the Three Emotions: kissing (aka gay), crying (sad), and angry (angry)........great news if you want to see the stuff i already happen to be drawing lol!!! bad news i guess if you were hoping i’d draw anything but whatever i end up wanting to draw. i cannot be diverted. and i don’t even draw for its own sake lol like, i’ve always doodled for fun and all that, but like, ive never been a “wow i want to make my own __ someday” or whatever, and if i’m trying to draw something which is anything other than [the exact thing i might feel like drawing] it is Such a chore that like, i just don’t do it except for like, total Exceptions. except exceptions lol. don’t ask!! anyways why did i get on that drawing tangent there........yeah it’s definitely lucky that i’ve been giving myself that Drawing Experience so that i can connect w/ ppl that way, cuz i’m godawful at like, necessarily providing other stuff lol Or at being the one to Make Connections Happen otherwise......and also of course sometimes it is easier to convey/communicate something via drawing. woohoo!!

anyways yeah i’m a bit excitable lol and i sure guess i’ve got that Chaotique energy at times, for better or worse lol........like sometimes my Contribution can be like, just an absolute wild card thrown into the pile, or just like, maybe adding some Boost to a situation that other people can run with if they so choose. just throw things out there sometimes and enjoy when other ppl find that fun lmao

what else is there about me??? lol.......oh yeah i’m always sort of an Office Goofaround (not actually in an office ever, though). like, when ppl Don’t have that sense of Collaborative Humor where like, if someone does something a bit silly u just roll with that bit, or if god forbid they have Exhausting Cishet Guy humor where they think everything is about Dry, “Intelligent” Sarcasm and that being “funny” is about making yourself look like the coolest or cleverest person there who Wins the Center Of Attention spot?? it’s like, eff that, where are my Get Silly gang. also puns are funny but also only b/c they are silly. you have to really lean into it lol. 

well anyways!!!! and when i am asked to talk about myself i can be very extensive and yet not necessarily cover everything. here we are

26)favorite look you had?

my look hasn’t changed too much! Tees n Jeans (or shorts? or jorts? lol) are pretty much my thing altho you Know i have at times added in A Layer, or even accessories.......as always, part of the first few years of the decade for me was the whole “aha, yeah okay i’m trans” process, but before that i wasn’t ever really trying to be more “””””””””fashionable”””””””””” than the tees n jeans type of look anyway lmao, and even nowadays like, i have some Wardrobe Items that like, ppl might consider ”androgynous” or whatever when cis dudes wear them, like leggings or a v-neck sweater........really some of the only significant Changes was getting binder/s eventually (by 2012?? ugh idk) and also like, by 2011 i cut my hair relatively short, and from there on i just like, every year went “ugh god i need it to be shorter” and even now i’m like, hmm, do i want it shorter or is this fine?? but also i’m somewhat limited styling-wise b/c i just continually cut it myself in a bathroom mirror, true chaotic. and! i’ve been like, god i wish i had a baseball cap that’s just like, solid [my fave blue] or yknow, black or something, or idk. one that i like. and also someday it would be nice to like, not only have an updated prescription of lenses but also Multiple Glasses Frames to choose from, even though my current ones are alright still lol.......this is me just talking abt my past looks and how i’d like to potentially update my look lmao i did Not answer the question but, as usual, i also don’t have a great direct answer lol

38)a prediction you had for this decade that came true?

lol this was not a decade where i was ever looking ahead to 2020 and making any assumptions about this Block Of Time as a whole.......i mean like, i was Really starting to suspect byyyy 2012 for sure that like, i could not like, be able to exist And have my parents be in my life at all lol and by 2013 it was just like. increasing confirmation of that. and i last saw / spoke to them prior to me just effing out of there at the end of 2015. snaps for me

43)an important relationship (of any kind) you had?

well a couple i appreciated that might not be obvious were pretty brief and fairly impersonal lol. so in 2015 i had this Nightmare Job for five whole months which was obviously miserable in most ways, but there was this other guy who wasn’t even a Coworker, we just had the same job and had similar routes of Stores to go to, so we would run into each other a lot of mornings, and he would talk to me and i’d talk to him and he was totally good-humored about everything and that was helpful lmao b/c it’s great to have Someone you enjoy seeing. i also struck up a rapport with a baked-goods stocker at one particular store, and that could be an enjoyable 14 seconds. it was a godawful job lmao and like, Any pleasantness at all / decent treatment from other people was very helpful

also at this other job the next year which was a lot less hellish, there was this customer lady who like, i can’t remember at what point she started talking to me but yknow it got to be that if we’d run into each other she’d kind of update me on her life. and she would be like “sorry i’m talking to you, a stranger, about all this stuff all the time, but my life is a mess and i don’t really have anyone to talk to” and i would be like, lmfao mood, do not even worry about it, and yknow this was someone i only ran into usually once every few weeks at my job, and could only listen to for however long, but she was Going Tf Through It all the time and as much as i am a chatterbox who will go on for a century about myself b/c i can’t be concise abt anything ever, i’m also decent at being in Listening Mode lmao or yknow, i was like No Truly i don’t mind you venting, and also yknow, i’m like well i know how much it sucks to have Nobody to talk to about Big Problems. and i am this random restaurant worker and if i’m one of the only people this lady can talk to, you can bet i’m going to listen lol.......and she was really goin through it all One Thing After Another and yknow i’d catch her two weeks later and she’d be all like, well [this situation] has gotten worse, or This One Problem is over but now New Problem has replaced it, etc, and a whole issue that i got updated on was like lol. she had this boyfriend who she’d kinda mention early on when she was talking abt trying to find a job, or losing a new-but-terrible job and once again being back in that Job Hunt Stress, and idk like. i just sort of have decent Relationship Instincts lmfao of like “hmm this doesn’t sound great” but like, a month or two later she’s straightup Married to this dude, and i’m like oh congrats :) and then when a month or two after That she’s talking about how like, she’s maybe having Job Probs again and her now-husband is really giving her shit for like, not having found a new one yet, i’m like internally all [ :)))))) Not Surprised :))))))) ] but i’m like. yknow you Sympathize n Validate but if you just up and tell someone who’s being treated real bad like “you are being treated terribly, this person is acting terribly” then they might just want to defend them like oh it’s not That bad, or minimize it, and blame themselves for making their terrible partner “look bad”.......and by extension when she once was in our restaurant With said husband and introduced us i was like, just getting further confirmation abt this dude’s shittiness from his Immediate Vibe lmao like....whenever i feel uncomfortable enough in someone’s presence in a [not just universal level of Anxiety] way, it’s like, that instinct is pretty reliable & accurate lol.....but i had to pretend Not to hate him or act too standoffish towards him lmao cuz like!!! i figured i could “get away with it” but yknow, this lady had already said how isolated she was and the husband sure seemed Controlling and like, yknow, if you act like you don’t Like the shitty partner or said shitty partner catches wind of you maybe telling this person that “hey your partner is being shitty” then it’s all, them telling their partner “don’t go around that person who is so obviously Against me >:(” and like. yknow i figured as Random Restaurant Employee this dude wasn’t about to be super on guard about me but i still was not wanting to risk it but luckily i only met him the one time and only had to casually pretend i didn’t think he was shit that one time. and anyhow! soon enough the lady is talking to me about how she thinks getting married to him was a mistake but like, again, she was real isolated and didnt have family or friends or ppl in the area to talk to, and like, yknow she would be pretty sure her husband was cheating on her but of course He was the one all like, wanting to be controlling and invade her privacy and accuse Her of cheating on him, and i’m like, internally screaming but again yknow, i’m just letting her vent to Anyone (me) and sympathizing. and iirc her talking about her “uh oh my husband sucks” was like, i had come back from this delivery so we were in the parking lot lol and she was so upset about all of it and like, “sorry i’m just this random person talking to you for twenty minutes in a parking lot and crying lol” and i’m like. i mean yknow if the only person you can vent to about this terrible situation is me, this random person in a parking lot, absolutely i am glad to do it, even though i would’ve done it anyways lol...........and i was so mad at our General Manager this one time lmao b/c. yknow it’s a couple weeks later and wouldn’t you know it, The Lady is really stressed b/c her husband was yelling at her and broke a window in their apartment, and the Cost Of Repairs added to their monthly rent meant they might not be able to make that rent, and she was in that crappy situation that gets pulled on Tenants Who Probably Don’t Have Much Money, where you’re supposed to get 5 Days Notice or whatever when they’re like “get out b/c your rent is overdue” but you get that Notice on like, friday afternoon when your Last Day is supposed to be the following monday, and nobody is at the office all weekend, so obviously that’s not five days and it’s really only One Day and that Last Day that you’d even have a chance to talk to anyone, which is also a monday when you’d probably have work, and yknow, good luck finding help over the weekend, when probably ppl will just want to spend that time rushing to just pack their shit up and leave anyways.....ANYHOW it’s just some particular heinous bullshit and it was like, the saturday after it had happened to her, and i sympathized entirely b/c that had happened to me and i now lived in my car but i figured i wouldn’t bring that up lmfao.......and anyways i was sitting down with her to listen to her b/c it’s an Insanely Stressful Situation and again like, whenever she’d show up i’d let her talk to me abt her Problems for however long she felt like. and anyways of course eventually the one By-The-Books manager gives me shit all like “what are you doing daring to Sit Down and Not be doing restaurantly actions, ugh” and i’m like. i mean, unsurprising lecture to get lol, of course, but i was just so impatient like. well this person was having a crisis so i prioritized that above keeping the coffee stirrers fully stocked at all times, bite me. ENNYHOW and i didn’t see her for a minute after that and i Was a bit worried b/c like. of course i had every reason to be and she was just always looking so completely exhausted but then like, actually the last time i saw her she was actually more upbeat than ever b/c like! turns out that during an argument her husband had assaulted her and had been arrested. which is of course like. i was like oh i am completely sorry about that trauma but congratulations at this person being separated from you!!! and like, i wish i could have kept up with her beyond that, but i couldn’t, but like, that was the first Improvement in her life that i’d heard since i met her, and it was a way better last-thing-to-hear-from-her than her stressing out abt eviction thanks to her abusive husband breaking shit. and like, weird relationship lmao but!! idk i did feel lucky that i could be The One Person This Lady Gets To Talk With b/c like, god forbid she have absolutely nobody to talk to about this shit or treat her with any sympathy, even if it was just me, the rando she only got to see on occasion. and i hope she’s doing okay still! wish i knew for sure of course, but i’m glad i at least got to be there for her in a tiny way for a period of time and did eventually like, Know that she both knew that this was a bad person to be with, and got that Reason to be separated from him.

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[alargebear]

Long Distance

Summary: A bit of distance wasn’t anything to worry about. Was what Riko told herself.

Pairing: ChikaRiko

Word count:2.9k

Link: AO3

Note: I wrote this for the ChikaRiko secret valentine for @starluck40 on twitter. Super sorry this is so late but work has been a lot lately.

The apartment's balcony was different. Riko looked out and saw the sprawl of a large city, a skyline littered with different, bright lights, and streets that bustled with all the commotion she’d thought to have left behind. Two years since the view had been something she saw every day of her life. A view that she wanted nothing more than to forget about when leaving Tokyo for the first time was back as it had never left.

Different from the gentle sounds of a small seaside town that she hoped to never leave, but life wouldn’t allow that. High school had to come to an end, which meant that a future that Riko once felt was so far off was upon her. Numazu didn’t have a school with the music program she’d always imagined herself in. Which meant leaving behind the place that became her home.

Leaving behind a school that she felt comfortable in. Leaving behind a group of friends that she found hope and acceptance in. Leaving behind a town that became home. Maybe worst of all leaving behind a simple, shining girl who changed her life forever.

It was a decision made on her own, and with the support of everyone whose opinion she cared for. A dream was meant to run toward, that was something Chika would always make sure she knew. So there was never any regret. No looking back thinking and wondering if it was the right decision to leave behind everything that became so dear.

There was never regret, it was a decision made with confidence, but that couldn’t fight back that budding loneliness. Even in classes filled to the brim with young, talented musicians, and streets packed with passersby shoulder to shoulder, there was a hope to see eight girls she missed. One more than the others.

“So, how was the first day?”

Riko sighed into the phone held against her cheek, even so far away, Chika’s voice was a balm that could soothe any anxiety.

“It was good,” Riko said.

“Just good?” Chika chuckled. “Isn’t this the school of your dreams? Shouldn’t the first day be shiny and magical.”

Riko laughed for the first time that day. “We didn’t really do anything. Just went over what we were going to do for the rest of the year, talked about everyone's interests and instruments, and stupid icebreakers that just made things more awkward.”

“I bet you’re awful at those.”

“Very funny.” Riko rolled her eyes at nobody. “Not everyone makes friends with the whole class on the first day, you know?”

“Maybe you should just try harder.” There was a playful mocking to Chika’s voice.

“No, icebreakers are stupid, and I don’t care if I am bad at them.”

“So, you are bad at them?”

“Shut up.” Riko leaned her elbows on the balconies railing, resting the phone against her shoulder. “Did you call me just to make fun of me?”

“Of course not.” Chika scoffed. “I haven’t talked to you in a week. I missed hearing your voice.”

Riko blushed, Chika’s blunt affection hitting her just as hard through the phone as it did in person. “I missed talking to you, too.”

A brief silence took hold, and Riko wondered how things would go. Only a week of no Chika that seemed so much longer. Sweaty palms gripped at the cool metal of the rail. She would need to get used to the distance that she knew was coming. It wasn’t a surprise, but that didn’t make it any easier. Seeing Chika every day had become the norm. Having to wait months between visits was weird, and just a bit scary.

“How are things at the inn?” Riko broke the silence, fearing thinking too much.

“Fine.” Chika’s voice was indifferent. “I’m mostly just cleaning and helping customers with luggage and stuff. My mom and sisters said I’d get more responsibilities when I’ve worked more.”

“Sounds like you’re working hard.” Riko smiled, soft and to nobody in particular.

“You should tell that to Mito.” Chika sighed. “I’ve gotta go soon. There’s this family coming in a little bit and we need to get some stuff ready for them.”

“Alright.” Riko’s smile dropped. “You’re going to call me more than once a week, right?”

“Duh. Since I don’t see you every day anymore how else am I going to get my dose of Riko?” Chika asked, but didn’t leave anytime for an answer. “I love you, Riko.”

Riko took in a sharp breath, the three words setting her heart aflutter. “I love you, too, Chika.”

A subtle click and Riko was once again left to the sounds of the busy streets below. She relished in the warmth in her stomach and flutter of her heart as her talk with Chika ended. The distance something new after two years of getting so lost in each other. A distance that would take time to acclimate to.

A sharp breeze brought with it a shiver despite it being late summer. With a deep breath, Riko turned, opening the sliding door and stepping into her apartment. The content warmth in her stomach replaced by a chill not yet cold enough to worry about.

The weeks passed, but the phone calls stayed the same. Like clockwork at the same time at the end of her day. A time that Riko found solace in amongst the hustle and bustle of a new, frightening, and exciting college life. The calls were moments she could lose herself in with the person she wanted to see more than any other.

Chika’s voice was still the same. Lovely and bubbly in a way that set Riko’s heart pounding. Warm enough, loving enough, that Riko could continue to bear the brunt of the feelings their new distance caused. They’d talked about this move, they knew the distance was coming. Riko couldn’t let that small seed of doubt take root. It would be unfair to Chika who cheered her on, whose encouragement lead her to chase a dream she’d had since childhood.

A bit of distance wouldn’t be enough to break what they had, Riko hoped.

“Sorry, I can’t talk very long tonight.”

Chika’s voice was frantic and stuttered over the phone. A sound that didn’t put Riko at ease.

“It’s alright, Chika,” Riko said, staring out over the city lights. She knew better than to lie, but she couldn’t bring herself to put more pressure on Chika. “You did say you were going to be busier lately.”

“I know, but I didn’t want it to cut into my time talking to you.”

Riko didn’t know how to respond, opting to stay quiet and bask in the sentiment. Always aware that Chika loved her, but hearing it put so plainly never failing to make her fall further.

“I’m sorry, Riko,” Chika said again. “We’re just getting so many new customers all the time, and my sisters are trying to teach me a whole bunch of stuff, too.”

“Don’t worry,” Riko answered without thinking. “I know you’re doing your best.”

“I love you a whole bunch.”

Riko blushed, not able to dwell on the sweetness too long, hearing familiar yelling that she’d come to learn was usually Mito. It meant things were coming to an end, and she gnawed on her bottom lip at the realization.  Bitting back a selfish urge to ask for Chika’s voice for a few minutes longer. Selfish and childlike, she thought, so she wouldn’t. Even if it wouldn’t help quell the twisting of her heart.

“It sounds like they need you to get back to work.” It was all Riko could find in herself to say.

“I guess,” Chika yelled something unintelligible back before returning, voice faster than before. “I’ll try and call tomorrow. Bye.”

“Bye, Chika.”

Riko hung up, staring at her phone with an unreadable expression. Inklings of doubt seeped into a mind that would have never questioned love before. Small enough that they were fought off with a simple shake of the head and reaffirming thoughts, but their presence scary altogether. She didn’t head back inside, choosing to bask in the crisp air of coming autumn. The chill offering comfort that never fit before, used to finding that comfort in the warmth of Chika.

It was already past the usual time. Riko checked down at her phone for the umpteenth time that night, standing out on her balcony once again in anticipation. Waiting for a call that she was becoming more and more sure was never going to come.

Not calling at all was new. Scary, and Riko dreaded anything that it meant, but new all the same. Chika had become incredibly busy with training to take up the mantle of her new life, the rational part of Riko understood that fact. Knowing that even if she wouldn’t be able to hear the voice of the girl she loved that things would be okay. They’d still be together, and the temporary distance wouldn’t wear that away. Chika wouldn’t let any of that happen, and deep down, Riko knew she wouldn’t either.

That wouldn’t make it easier. From becoming accustomed to seeing Chika every day, spending every possible moment together without wondering where the other was. To whatever it was they were dealing with now. Not even able to set up a routine phone call without those plans falling through.

Riko learned her wandering thoughts were no good. Dwelling on fears that once could be pushed out with the melodic sound of Chika’s voice. That comfort being gone only allowed those ugly, intruding thoughts to fester. Festering into an irrational fear that maybe, and only just maybe, things wouldn’t be alright.

Before sinking too far, her phone buzzed. Looking down at her hand, she saw the name she wanted.

I’m super sorry I can’t call you. We’re crazy busy again and Mito would kill me if she caught me slacking off. It’s gonna be like this all week so idk if I’ll be able to call or not. Sorry but I love you so so so so so much.

It wasn’t a phone call. The words on a screen only a band-aid fix to deepening trouble. Riko mulled it over, reading each line over and over and over. Trying, and with little success, to get that same reassurance that Chika could always bring. It wasn’t there. The comfort brought on by such a blunt love not conveyed in the same way in text. Missing a bubbly exuberance that Riko loved more than ever once thought possible.

It’s ok. I’ve got tons of homework anyway so it’s not a big deal. I love you too Chika.

A sigh as Riko pressed send. None of it a lie, but she knew none of it the full truth either. There was always homework, but there was never enough time talking to Chika. She couldn’t say that. Not if their many talks before graduation meant what she thought. All that time telling each other they’d be fine despite the distance, and they would, if Riko thought hard about it, but the new doubt was unexpected.

Over a year into a relationship where nothing ever had to be questioned. Where each other's love was always enough to quell even the biggest issue or patch over their biggest fights, but what happened when they couldn’t see each other? A question that Riko was learning she might not want the answer to.

Riko didn’t bother waiting for the phone calls the rest of the week, knowing full well it would be useless. Chika had been more than happy to keep her bombarded with text after text. Trying so obviously to make up for something that was out of her own control. The messages were sweet, just as anything from Chika tended to be, but they were texts.

The piano in front of her didn’t want to cooperate, and the dim light of her room made it all the more worse. Stuck in a way she hadn't been in well over two years. Fingers that grew accustomed to moving freely, uninhibited by fears of a distant past, sat frozen above the keys. Mind occupied with what she knew were senseless worries. Though senseless worries were still worries that chipped away at love once thought untouchable.

Running a hand through her loose hair, Riko sighed. Frustrated at her inability to focus, frustrated at how quick those past anxieties could come back, frustrated that even a hint of doubt could seep into her mind.

It wasn’t late, sometime in the midafternoon after finishing the day's classes, but Riko was done for the day. No hope in getting anything finished with a mind that couldn’t focus on anything but a need to see Chika. That need to reaffirm something she shouldn’t be doubting in the first place.

She thought of calling. Maybe hearing that voice would be enough to get her through another month as it did before, but that was selfish. Chika was busy, and Riko knew. It wasn’t her place to get in the way of that, and what would Chika think anyway? What would she think of these doubts of a love that Riko knew Chika never questioned? Would things still be the same if she told Chika she was scared of the unknown future they shared? That it only took a couple months apart for doubts, no matter how small, to seep in?

The knocking stopped Riko from spiraling too deep into her thoughts. She wasn’t expecting anyone. Ignoring the sound, she leaned forward over her piano, head down.

The knocking wouldn’t stop, only getting louder. Resigning herself to the fate of an awkward talk with some stranger, Riko got up and tiptoed toward the front door. Hoping if she took enough time they’d just go away on their own.

She was wrong. The knocking turned to banging and wondered what type of weirdo goes up to some strangers door and started beating. Hand on the handle she took in deep breaths. Getting better with these types of interactions over the years, but strangers were still scary, and this one too loud for her own good.

A click and the door was open. Riko stared, processing the orange hair and braid that were unmistakable.

“Riko!”

There wasn’t a wasted second. Arms were around Riko’s waist and she was pulled in tight by a girl she hadn’t seen in some months. Her hands were glued to her side as she processed. Chika was at her apartment in the big city holding her like they were still in Uchiura.

“What?” It was the only response Riko could find, still frozen in place.

“I came to see you.” Chika backed off, hands still on Riko’s side as she pressed a kiss to her girlfriend's cheek.

Riko floundered, opening and closing her mouth, trying for any words. Chika was with her, hugging her. Gone were pestering fears brought on by irrational doubt, replaced with the girl who held her close.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” Chika smiled as wide as she could, teeth on full display.

Riko nodded, swallowing down a growing lump in her throat as she stared into Chika’s bright eyes. Another kiss to the cheek, forcing them a dark shade of red. The burst of affection too much.

“It was a good surprise, wasn’t it?” Chika asked, Riko again nodded. “I had to beg Mito to let me have this weekend off, but even then she wouldn’t let me. Shima had to tell her I deserved a break because I’ve been working so hard.”

Riko still stared, quiet. The entryway cool but Chika beyond warm as she was held in close. Overwhelmed she bit her lip, meeting your girlfriend face to face again for the first time in months wasn’t the time to cry, so she fought it back. It meant her voice couldn’t be trusted.

“What’s up?” Chika tiled her head, never letting go of Riko’s waist.  “You’re so quiet. I expected you to be all like ‘oh my god Chika you came to visit me you’re the best girlfriend ever’.”

Riko chuckled, covering her face with her hands to hide the embarrassment. “I just missed you so much.”

“So did I.”

Riko took a deep breath, face still hidden behind her fingers. “I’ve been so scared since we haven’t talked a lot lately, and I haven’t gotten to see you since I moved. I just didn’t know anymore. I love you so much and it’s hard not seeing you every day anymore.”

Quieter as things were laid bare. Riko quivered behind her makeshift defense her hands provided. Feeling silly trying to keep any of it hidden. Chika would notice if given enough time, it was just the type of girl she was, but being open about it scary. Even if she knew Chika would never judge her for it.

“Well.” Chika’s hands went from Riko’s waist up to her wrists, tugging down to reveal a deep red face with shimmering eyes. “I’m here now, and I’m going to try and come even more.”

At a loss again, Riko nodded. Fears driven off by a look in Chika’s eyes that wouldn’t leave any room for doubt.

The short distance between their faces closed before Riko could react. Lips on hers that she’d missed. Comfort found in the way Chika’s thumbs rubbed small circles on the underside of her wrist held with such care.

Riko pulled back first, mind only able to form a few words.

“I love you, Chika.”

[imnevergonnagiveyouup]

I honestly have no idea how there’s over 450+ of you now but there is and I wanna let you all know how thankful I am to have you all around. Roleplay has always been like a small window of escape for me for stress and a distraction but aside from the roleplaying I’ve also come to meet some pretty amazing people and have the honor of befriending them so I’m really thankful for that the most. To meet such amazing and talented people and just be able to have a wonderful and good time together is what I appreciate the most. I’ve been in this site give or take for a good number of years now and a lot’s changed since I joined but overall I’m very thankful to all the people I’ve gotten the chance to write with, talk with, and get to know so thanks for putting up with me and my sunshine boy like I really appreciate it a lot cause Cloud just really means a lot to me okay. And I could probably ramble on about him but this isn’t about him so I’m gonna hold back on that, stay tuned lmao. So on wards we go!

I am a music lover leave me alone all of my follow forevers have mood music. I say all of my follow forevers when in reality this is just my second one cause I skipped like four I should’ve made tbh lmao.

In the wise words of Rihanna: I WANT YOU TO STAAAY.

@fairlegacy: Honestly what is there not to appreciate about you? You’re very to yourself most of the time but I’ve somehow managed to chuck through that hard exterior of yours and now we’re best friends, you are my bro, like I see you as my big brother and part of my family, someone I can trust and go to for logical advice. Though our personalities and ways of seeing things are different we somehow manage to understand one another by the end of it. I’m so thankful to have you in my life and that you’re in it. Like I legit can’t imagine it without you my dude and I don’t want to so thanks for sticking around and for putting up with me. I really admire you and look up to you in many ways. You’re also such an amazing Zack roleplayer but honestly that’s a plus okay to me that doesn’t mean everything since I’m interested in you the most aside from the roleplaying. I love you man and thanks for always being a shoulder and a rock for me when like things get rocky. Thanks for helping me up when I think I can’t stand up anymore. You’re an amazing friend Sam and a very good person I’d move mountains and fight dragons for you my dude. This is gross as fuck but you need to know that I love you okay.

@gaeaguard: You’re an awesome friend and I always look up to you cause of how much effort you put into a lot, always trying your best to be as understanding as you can and to be there for people and let them know that you care for them. I appreciate it a lot when we get to talk and we’re usually just joking around and like just crying over final fantasy in some aspects lmao but you’ve also given me advice and like showed that you care for me a lot and just want what’s best for me so thanks for that. Thanks for being a good friend and a good person to a lot of people I feel really lucky to know you a bit and be able to talk to you from time to time. Aside from being an amazing Aeirs rper/writer/graphics maker you’re a really cool and wonderful person so thanks for being in my life as well friend.

@jjillekkot: Bestest friend! You and I grew close pretty quickly and I’m so happy to have you in my life, extremely thankful in fact and like I don’t know to be frank you’re just a blessing to me? You’re always there for me you always wanna talk to me and like you just give me some time of your day or as much as you can to spend time with me and that just really means a lot to me. When I’m feeling down you always try to cheer me up or remind me that I’m not by myself and that I shouldn’t take on things on my own and I really appreciate that sentiment a lot. I enjoy talking to you, roleplaying and writing with you, you’re such a wonderful writer and such a sweet person. You’ve dealt with so much and yet you try to understand everybody and tend to put in more effort than another person which tbh to me isn’t a very fair thing to do and honestly you shouldn’t deal with half-assed bs like that so it’s why like I try to remind you all the time that I’ve got your back for anything and everything as well. I’m just so glad to have you in my life and know that you’ll always have me as well.

@mccnoracle: Tbh you’ve been in my life for the longest time and we’ve gone through a fair amount of things together. Good and bad we always seem to stick together somehow no matter how much we struggled. I know you’re going through a hard time right now and I really do mean it when I say I’m always here for you and I’m here to help you, that I can be someone you can depend on as you have for so many years now and you’ve pretty much done the same for me. You’ve been in my life in one of the hardest times in it, I struggled for months maybe even a year and you were there (regardless of the bad) and that still means the world to me that you didn’t abandon me when I was struggling and sometimes even falling apart. You’re more stubborn than I am but I want to be there for you the same way you were for me well ish this time without like the arguing and stuff I think you know what I mean lmao. You’re a very important and special person to me and I really do hold you dear to me, I’m extremely thankful to have you in my life so thanks for putting up with me. I know you struggle with a lot but do know that you’re a wonderful person okay.

@sanctiichor: KOKO! Ah I’m so glad that I met you! You’re such a wonderful person Koko and like you’re also a wonderful writer and I really admire you for that and not just that but your art is always so beautiful? When I get the chance to see it or when you decide to share it and it always leaves me in like shook okay? You’re such a wonderful friend and you’re just such a wonderful influence in general and I think that doesn’t just apply for me but for a good number of people. You always have me laughing at your gif reactions when you send them out and you just have such a wonderful sense of humor I can’t believe that when I first followed you I felt a little bit intimidated by you lmao. Honestly it was probably your son, he so tol and majestic okay but anyway I’m glad that we managed to be in friendly terms and that we talk every so often! I feel really blessed to have you in my life you’re awesome! You go glen koko! 

@phylxrchus: Eyyy Kaoru! You’re a really good friend of mine and you’re just an overall warm person at least to me. Always know how to have a good time and I think you’re also a very positive influence for me so I also feel pretty lucky to have met you and be able to also call you a friend of mine. I know you’re going through quite some stuff at the moment that’s pretty big so know that I’m wishing you a lot of luck and that I’m always here waiting for you! With whatever you need you know I always got your back and I’ll always try my best to be as supportive as possible for you just like you’ve been for me which I appreciate extremely. You’ a pretty amazing person and I really appreciate you and your muse too when you throw him at Cloud lmao. 

@lockethart: YOU! YOU DORK YOU! YOU AWESOME AND COOL PERSON YOU! Ok but it’s funny how we first started to talk because it was just us screaming about nt and tifa like literally I think we were caps locking each other for a good set of minutes there lmao but on a serious note you’re an awesome person and you’re also very sweet. When we get to talk I laugh, you have a beautiful sense of humor and you’ve told me that I make you laugh as well which makes me happy that I can bring you to smile and laugh like you do for me. I really appreciate that cause I’m always very busy more often than not, head of my household so like there’s a lot of stuff I have to keep up with and in mind and coming here to talk with you from time to time or just plot or pick at each other/our muses is always such a nice thing to me. Laughter truly is the best medicine and though to a personal level I don’t know you too well I don’t doubt that you’re a magnificent individual. Thanks for sparing me some time of your day whenever you get the chance and for like talking to me cause tbh I’ve always wanted to but never knew how to approach you cause I thought I was too lame and you were too cool. Tifa is queen okay, and keep on rocking!

@aetla / @valfreyan: Let me just start this off by saying that I love every single one of you and that you’re all very awesome and cool and that I wish you all only the good things in life cause Bunny’s gonna kill me for this. Ok now that I got that outta the way I can talk about Bunny the Bully. Realistically speaking I’ve only been talking to Bunny for a few days that’s legit it and most of the time she’s just punching me around not joking you can even ask her to verify lmao but she’s a very wonderful and considerate individual. She might be yelling at you that she wants to fight you and beat you up but she’s a very soft person and very caring and I get those vibes from her. She’s also very helpful, gives great advice and is a hex girl so be careful about that too lmao. No but seriously Bunny’s a blessing and I guess I just get easily attached to people I’m always a friendly dude so like I already consider her a very nice and good friend and I will beat anybody up if they mess with her too, I still can’t believe I was intimidated/scared by you arxrxr but even then I always thought you were amazing when I saw you on the dash through mutual we had, you make me smile and laugh and that’s honestly one of the best gifts I could ever be given. Thanks for being so amazing and wonderful Bunny.

@valkiris / @ladydames / @cosmicworn (idk what blog you’re on ok): DAWN! Ok so I’ve told you before that for the longest time I’ve admired you and been like too nervous/afraid/unsure/idk of how to approach you and talk to you but like I always had that want to get to know you better. I always thought you were cool and amazing, and tbh I still do now and even more now that I’m like actually talking to you little by little. You’re such a fun person like muses and writing aside you’re really chill and you make me laugh too quite a lot like yesterday when I told you about my phobia I thought that was hilarious and adorable okay that was gold to me. You also made a comment about how like usually nobody would know if you’re not doing okay cause you’ll keep it to yourself and honestly I’m the same way you are with that but like always know that you can depend on me okay? That I’m always there to want to lend a hand and to help you out like you’ve handed me advice just the other day and helped me handle something. Aside from being an extraordinary writer you’re an equally extraordinary person and I’m just really thankful and feel so lucky that I’m like passed that wall that was preventing me from socializing with you and getting to know you? I just didn’t want to come off as annoying cause I guess I do tend to talk too much to people but like thank you so much? For just being your wonderful self.

*SALT BAES SOME GLITTER DUST ON Y’ALL*

These are people that I’ve either talked on occasion/have went out of their way to talk to me/I want to get to know better and are just really amazing okay you’re all really amazing and if I could tag every single one of you I would but I’m doing this by memory rn and this is taken much longer than it should have cause I started doing this like….. ..3 hours ago and I’m now just getting it done BUT THE POINT IS THAT I LOVE YOU GUYS OKAY A LOT AND THANK YOU SO MUCH.

@magitekelite @qkslvr @exiistisms @moonfayth @foughtsorrow @lockedfighter @lazuliss @leviathkand @legacycarry @gamenu @thighsbitch @eruditorem @ryusxnka @rosalithe @rude-at-your-service @tactiquess @trashkingizunia @triggerxhappy @honorificus @hatsuuharu @white-bird-in-a-cage @wutaiiwarrior @witchinfest @firixn @goddessoath @gxnwrought @jen-ova @astralchose @asouldivided @duelbreak @aloofleader @residentangel @kingdomkxy @islelight @xkuja @xkuja @xfarron @catncore @crystarium-rose @appointedescort @vxmpirehunterd @badassbarmaid @blackmage-lulu @klcpto @praesidioest @adventurouswind @ablackwing @stcrmblade @solauctor @serpentsun @lanahub @osolars @braskide @drexm-eater @dragooniv @pathoftrials @drgfyre @depthsbled @smashkick @visumbra @spiraledeye @scphiiroth @stellaux @ofbesaid @re-no @chezqah @wildrosemonarch @galbanaspired @faeriesboon AND THERE’S MORE PEOPLE OK BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER THEM RN.

&. YOU

I know for a fact I missed a lot of people and there’s so many of you and I wish I could tag all of you but everybody in general really who follows me or like spares me some time of their day like thanks so much you’re awesome and you’re the real MVP. I truly appreciate it and hope that the future ahead only gets better for you!

TLDR;

[yaminerua]

Y’all I am seriously not having a good time rn

And like yeah literally no-one is because this year is a fucking disaster but god..... I feel like I’m getting backed onto the edge of a cliff by stress...

I’m sorry I’ve been slow with commissions and barely got any new art done but man I just don’t have the emotional or physical energy to...

This year has been one year after another of stressful or upsetting things even just in my personal life alone and that’s not even INCLUDING the state of the world and everything else going on...

Like god my papa died this year and I knew he was going to eventually because cancer is a fucking Bitch but it happened faster than anyone thought only a few days before the UK’s lockdown was finally put in place. So I couldn’t go to the funeral. But my aunt had said even before we knew we wouldn’t be allowed that if my brother and I showed up there’d be a war. Because of all the Stupid Family Nonsense that has just been swirling and bubbling and frothing over the years. My gran is torn between wanting me to visit cos I’d be good company and hating my guts because of all the Shit that’s happened.

I dunno how to abridge it... it’s mostly them rewriting history or just straight up misinterpreting the ways or reasons things happened and pinning it all on my dad, his family, and my and my brother instead of the actual people who fucked everything up, those being the crooked lawyers who fucked us over 20 years ago, my mum after her meltdown changed her into a horrible person and her family who tried to gaslight, kidnap, blackmail and manipulate us all the fuckin way.

We were terrified of them because they tried to kidnap us and keep us from dad, tried to lie to us and change the way events unfolded by telling us completely false versions of events despite the fact we were present for most of them and they absolutely did not play out the way they wanted us to believe. Tried to brainwash us against my dad and his family and then turned around and tried to say that him and his family were trying to brainwash us against THEM.

So much distress and upset happened whenever we visited and other things happened that were just plain terrifying fear-for-our-lives shit that we just. Didn’t feel safe going over anymore. But they refuse to accept that. And think we just cut them off and abandoned them (which is rich since actually the cutting off happened from their end first but, again, they loooove to rewrite history).

So all of that mess is being continuously dug up to guilt trip us and make us feel bad because our cousins hate us, my aunt Despises us, and my gran wobbles in between of wanting to see us and also despising us too.

I made an effort to rebuild the bridges that had been burnt because I wanted my papa to know I didn’t hate him and that I wanted him to see me again and know that an effort was being made to patch things up because I knew that was what he wanted. And he never deserved to have been cut off from us. It was the women in the family who were being the assholes and he was just for the most part caught up in it.

He was so happy to see me and happy to think the family was beginning to come together again. Unfortunately his daughter and her sons do not respect his wishes. And my mum flip flops because she’s still affected by what happened to her more than 15 years ago. Her head got so messed up by all the legal stress and the brainwashing from her mum and sister that she just. Doesn’t remember what was real or what was false anymore. But also won’t ever listen to our side because it’s Wrong By Default.

So we ‘abandoned’ her in her eyes and she will Always try to Remind us. of that and all the other bullshit she wants us to believe.

My phone anxiety is directly related to her and Now I have to talk to her everyday because my papa’s death unfortunately opened up the communications that I’d forced closed for years to protect my own mental health.

But this year has just been ‘fuck your mental health’ so. naturally that wish gets kicked out the window and the phone can’t be refused anymore.

Sometimes the calls are ok. She talks about herself for 2 hours and then that’s it. other times it becomes a rant, an attempt to convince, an attempt to deliberately make me feel awful and Oh Boy is she Good At That. And I can’t hang up on her because that pisses her off More and then she’ll write a horrible email to my brother where she tries to pull the same shit on him and I refuse to have him have to deal with that because for SOME FUCKIN REASON she only pulls this shit on the phone with me and NEVER DOES THIS TO HIM.

God. Why.

Anyway that’s just one thing that’s persistent and continuous. And I make myself sadder about it watching old home videos we found from 20 years ago. One of them I’d never seen was the literal day I was born and it.... it shook me so much I broke down watching it. It’s like watching good days, innocent days when all seemed well, knowing the future and how wretched and awful and deeply traumatising the years ahead are for that little kid who has no idea what’s awaiting them.

Cue lockdown and my dad and brother and I are looking after my granny. She had a stroke 2 years ago, hit her head on a cabinet and had constant UTIs for months and then had another stroke last year and as a result her mind is foggier than it used to be and her mobility isn’t what it was so she requires a lot of constant watch and care.

None of this is her fault, but I’m just not built for the long-run in a carer position. The first year put me into a meltdown, and I had another worse one last year and I was dreading if there would be one this year because I’d felt so on-edge and burnt out.

And then lockdown happened and the chances to get away for a bit of respite to recharge my batteries went out the window. Dad had no help to balance his work calls which sometimes went on all day, and granny. Other than me, but for reasons I have yet to finally have an answer for, my body has just been having problem after problem that leaves me drained and/or in pain and less able to do the physical help I was doing before. Doing the cooking and washing up to take it off dad, and getting up to keep an eye on granny or help her with personal care like I used to.

I’ve had this goddamn pain that doctors haven’t been able to find a diagnosis for since April now and it’s just become more and more limiting and I’m on a waiting list to get referred and god only knows when that will actually end up happening.

Doctors suggested it might have been stress that brought it on and the response to that is usually to reduce stressors but like. My life is the stressor so idk how to fix that. I can’t get away because guilt and stress over dad having to handle it all would follow me anywhere I went anyway even if i COULD go somewhere else for a break.

My uncles aren’t very helpful either. One makes excuses not to come and help and the other WILL go on a throwing out spree if he was to come in and I cannot trust him to not throw out important sentimental stuff without a second thought as to whether it was wanted because he’s done that before.

Plus that one has had his own health scares and even had a bit of a mental health crisis in the middle of the year which was probably brought on by the isolation and distancing stuff lockdown brought about.

One major contributor to the daily stress was the nagging worry that there was gonna be a Major Event this year that hadn’t happened yet. There’ve been major events that put granny is hospital without fail every year for the past... 4 but maybe even 5 years. It felt inevitable. But also terrifying because hospital felt like the worst place for her to go this year with all the virus stuff happening...

We had carers coming in to help with her but they weren’t really that... great. Wore their masks under their noses, didn’t self isolate when they got sick before they could get tests and lo and behold, despite the fact I hadn’t been out anywhere and the only contact I had beyond my own family were the carers, I got a cold which thankfully really was Just a Cold.

Not wanting to risk granny even getting a cold I stuck to my room and only came out to use the toilet or grab food/drink and all times I left my room I wore a mask and used sanitiser before I even left the room so I wouldn’t put anything on any surfaces. I was careful.

But either I wasn’t careful enough, or whoever gave ME the cold passed it to dad as well. Because then he got sick. And he didn’t have the option to distance himself from granny. Because I was still sick too and my brother Doesn’t do the personal care. So he wore a mask and tried to look after her while coughing and sneezing his guts out.

We thought we were gonna be ok. But then it happened. She got the cold anyway. We think it was a different carer who gave her it because this one was Really Hacking Up A Lung with her. Mask on still but, idk, the hands on care means you’re up real close and even a mask doesn’t stop everything. Plus this woman would pull her mask down to speak sometimes it was....?????

So granny got a cough and cold and we prayed it wasn’t covid and thankfully it doesn’t seem to have been. She’d had a cold in february so we thought ok if we just keep looking after her and help her fight it off we’ll be ok.

September 11th, one day before her birthday, at half 7 in the morning dad woke me up yelling for me to grab the phone so he could call an ambulance.

She was slumped against him in the top floor landing, face drooping, unresponsive and making deep loud groans that sounded honestly like a cow’s moo. It was an awful sound.

It then progressed to a weird rattly, wet breath. Like you’re trying to suck the last water out through a straw in a cup with just ice in it. Like a rattly snore but from the throat and not the nose.

Ambulance came and they said her blood pressure was high and still rising. She was absolutely unresponsive and cold and clammy to touch. The only response they could get was pinching her ear and she let out a loud pained groan.

They took her away and it was later just assumed to be a chest infection so she was put on antibiotics.

I think just. The accumulated stress of everything else just. Hit me like a train. It’s horrible to be relieved to get a break because someone’s gone into hospital because it felt like there was no other way you were going to get a break. But I felt so burnt out it happened anyway and I feel awful for it. my body was in so much pain and my head and everything was just exhausted from stress and exhaustion in general.

She wasn’t in very long though and I think before we knew it was a chest infection related collapse we’d all assumed it was a third stroke and thought she was going to be in for as long as she had the last few times to rehabilitate.

I honestly hate what ended up happening next.

The stress of it all just blew up and I had several days of frequent uncontrollable panic attack-type meltdowns.

I just. I lost complete control of myself. Slamming my head against the wall and floor and counters, scratching my arms, pulling my hair out and just.... screaming so loudly my throat was so so raw. This happened every day. I got into a negatively spiralling process of overthinking and overworrying and just melted down into a fit of stress

The third day of this, dad called the ambulance on me,which made me feel so so so much worse for wasting their time on something I wish I’d had enough mental control of myself to just. stop from happening....

they sat with me for nearly 2 hours and once I was able to even speak relatively coherently at all I just cried about everything from childhood trauma to everything else that’s all combined to fuck me up.

The lady called the mental health folks because she felt I definitely needed to see someone for some support and put me on with one of the women on the phone but that woman was so incredibly unhelpful and passive aggressive even the ambulance lady was shocked and apologised for that person’s behaviour but god it has just absolutely wrecked my faith in being able to get any help for all of this mess.....

I honestly feel.... terrified of myself.... Because I’ve had meltdowns before but I’ve never had one so bad I lost control of myself. Like I could have legitimately harmed myself in that mess. I even wanted to. It was the closest I’ve come in a long time of actually being like wow I could Actually Follow Through with Killing Myself and it terrified me because fuck at least that time years ago when I was planning on doing it I was more in control of the action and was able to stop....

Now I’m not even sure if I got in that state again I would be able to stop myself. And that’s terrifying....

To make things worse, that third day when the ambulance people were talking me down out of my whole mess, granny had been brought home and they ended up taking her back to the hospital because it was deemed not safe to let her in while I was upstairs screaming on the floor.

So :)))))) the police called. Because not allowing granny into her legal home was an issue and I was the cause :)))))))  Even tho I didn’t actually ban her with my words, I just wasn’t in a good mental state at the time and I tried so hard to calm down once i knew she was out there waiting but I was so stressed about what was going to happen I couldn’t get it together fast enough and then had to worry if I was going to be in huge trouble over it. So THAT’s wonderful.

Anyway. She came home the next day with a very very sore side and we weren’t sure if her ribs were sore from coughing or if she’d bashed herself in an unreported fall in hospital or what.

But the next day I was helping her take off the bra her carer that morning had put on her despite knowing her side pain and then she was sick and I was freaking out because granny and sick never go well so I was super worried...

Thankfully it wasn’t long lasting but the pain she had continued to be excruciating and a doctor came later on and said her liver area was very tender so she ought to go get it checked.

So we took her to hospital by car because we were told the ambulance wait would be longer.

But because the virus is increasing in the country again the restrictions are up. So while I had to come to help get granny in and out of the car, I wasn’t allowed to go with her and dad inside. And dad had the damn car keys and it was dark, late, cold as fuck and windy.

I was outside shivering my ass off with nowhere to wait for nearly 2 hours. They wouldn’t even let me in at first when I was about to piss myself.

After that first 2 hours dad briefly came out to tell me it was looking like it was gonna be a while longer so I just asked him for money for a taxi because at this point it was already after midnight.

I got like no sleep that night cos I was worrying about dad’s chronic sleep deprivation. He didn’t get home until 6am.

Anyways she’s been in and had scans but they can’t find anything and have just given her painkillers and mysteriously they say the side pain is gone. Whether thats just from painkillers or if it’s actually gone without discovering what caused it idk. But not knowing stresses me out like I’d have rather there was something to treat instead of it mysteriously being very painful and making her sick and then disappearing. Like what if it comes back?

hhhh anyway she’s supposed to come home tomorrow and again I still don’t feel like I’ve shaken off the burn out and my pain is still there too  so physically I’m still a mess and I feel so bad about my lack of productivity especially on commissions I still need to do...

I don’t even think I can take much more stuff happening this year like. I’m legit not sure I’m gonna make it to the end of the year rn folks...

[reality-retold]

; top 15 favorite beast/highlight songs

so, i’ve wanted to do this ever since i watched K!Junkies video of their top 15 favorite Beast/Highlight songs. tbh this is something that i sometimes do, picking my top 10-15 fave songs from each group i like and then compiling them to make a playlist. more often than not, though, i end up getting somewhat frustrated because i can’t make up my mind on which songs i have to include on the list l o l. but it’s good fun, and the list tends to change from time to time, depending on my mood, so yeah.

it really took me awhile to finish this list because, again, it is never an easy feat to have to choose only 15 songs. i mean, come on, beast/highlight have been amazingly consistent with their music and they have LOTS of awesome songs. so i decided to base my choices on my own personal attachment to the songs - whether they hold sentimental meanings to me, and so on. that said, it doesn’t mean that the songs not included here do not have any effect whatsoever on me, no. 

anyways. here goes my list, and it’s in no particular order, i guess?

1. 주먹을 꽉 쥐고 (Clenching A Tight Fist)

As far as i can remember, this was the first Beast song that i listened to. I can’t recall how i ended up listening to this song, though - it was around the time when i wasn’t into them yet and barely knew them, but i remember feeling impressed by their vocals. So yeah, naturally this song owns a special place in my heart for being my first Beast song ever. It’s just my kind of song, because boy am i a sucker for Beast ballad. Once, Doojoon also talked about how special this song was for him and, as shallow and silly as this sounds, it just made me grow fonder of this song :’)

2. 숨 (Breath)

This song is one of my favorite title tracks ever, hands down. Idk, it’s just.... epic? I love everything about it. The fast-paced, sort-of rock-ish, gritty instrumental, Dongwoon’s adlib at the beginning (that he gained after his Dad bribed the producer l m a o), Yangyo’s impressive long notes, the dance, the styling they’re sporting for this era, just.... everything, really. And this may not be a popular opinion, but I personally think that this era marked the beginning of their more... sophisticated sound and style? 

3. Fiction

Ask any B2uty/Light and they’d most likely tell you Fiction was the era (or one of the most significant, at least) for Beast/Highlight. And i just can’t agree more even though I actually joined the fandom just right when the promotion era for the song was ending. I know, what a bad timing, eh? I guess, what i’m trying to say is, I didn’t include Fiction on this list because it was such a massive hit back in the days, but because it’s the song that sealed the deal for me? Really, there’s no turning back for me after listening to their Fiction and Fact album. 

4. You

If I have to describe this song in one word, it’d be Dongwoon. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It is a beautiful song in its own right and all the other members sound so good (Doojoon’s part is still one of my ultimate favorite ever), but for me personally, Dongwoon owns this song. I was snatched from the moment he opens the song with his I’m gonna make you love me line. Yeah, I do love you, all right, so mission accomplished, magnae. l o l.

5. 비가 오는 날엔 (On Rainy Days)

On Rainy Days is one of the songs that I always seek for first whenever they hold a concert or perform in an event. I’m not sure why I love it so. Maybe because imo this song is just such a perfect representation of them? They’ve always been known as a vocally strong group that are especially good with ballad, and this song showcases it all? I’m pretty sure I’ve listened to and watched performances of this song for hundreds or even thousands times already, and yet I just can’t get tired of it, ever.

6. Midnight (별 헤는 밤)

Midnight is probably one of their finest songs to date. And it’s special to me because it’s the pre-release for It’s A Beautiful Night comeback, which was their first comeback after I became a fan. Every time I listen to it, it’s like I can relive the excitement I felt back then, and the feeling is just wonderful. I love the original version, but I also like the acoustic version that they did in some of their concerts.

And Doojoon’s part during the bridge is pure perfection. It still gets me every time, even after years. Ultimate favorite of all his parts in any songs, hands down ;-;

7. 니가 보고 싶어지면 (When I Miss You)

I fell in love with this song from the get go, and I think it’s easy to see why. It’s one of their slower songs and it’s beautiful in a bittersweet kind of way. And it’s also one of the songs that show just how much Dongwoon has improved over the years, as he shares the chorus with Yangyo ;-; He also harmonizes for Yangyo’s parts during the live perf of this song. And then there’s Doojoon part ;-; Anyone should know by now that I have such strong affinity for his voice l o l.

8. Good Luck

While I can’t say I loved everything about this song’s era (I wasn’t digging Dongwoon’s purple hair and Doojoon’s brown hair), but the song itself is so awesome I could overlook everything else. It’s so fierce and packed with energy and just... amazing. And i think the song also served as a reminder that yes, they are actually capable of doing some intense choreo - it’s just that most of the time they choose not to do so l o l

9. 12시 30분

If I had to choose the ultimate favorite of all my favorite songs, this is it. I’m not sure why I feel so emotionally attached to this song. Maybe it’s got to do with the fact that they released this song (and the mini album) as a commemoration of their debut 5th anniversary. Maybe it’s got to do with the fact that this is like everything i ever want of them. The concept is on point, the styling is on point. And the song and the dance are both challenging and yet they manage to make so effortlessly easy, belting out those notes while dancing gracefully. Idk, i just love it bunches ;-;

10. 가까이 (Stay)

As per Can You Feel It concerts, this song screams Doojoon through and through. Seriously, it’s legit the most he has ever sung in one single song! So of course I would have to put this song on the list here. But, to be fair, I’ve loved this song since I heard it the first time back then, though admittedly, yeah, it’s mostly because I thought Doojoon (and Dongwoon) sounds amazing. I can’t help ruing the fact that they never got to perform this song with Hyunseung, but it is what it is.

11. Stay Forever Young

Their one and only Japanese track to make it to the list. While I love their other Japanese songs, I have to say this is my ultimate favorite. I just love the vibe and the feel of it? And how it’s about life and being young, and it’s just like a reminiscent of the kind of song my favorite jpop group would sing, so yeah. 

12. 리본 (Ribbon)

I know not everyone is a fan of this song. Some found it too boring, even. But not me. Granted, it’s not the song that I’d always put on my playlist like every single time. But whenever I do listen to it, it overwhelms me with feels. I suppose it’s because it’s their first title track as 5-member Beast, and also their last as, well, Beast. So in a way, it represents both a new beginning and an end for them.

13. 아름답다 (It’s Still Beautiful)

God, if i ain’t choked with emotion the first time i listened to this song ;A; But could anyone blame me? This song was like solid proof of how these boys survived against all the odds, of how they’re still pretty much in it together, bringing music to their fans once more. I will never not feel things whenever I listen to this song ;-; And don’t even get me started on how beautiful it is, simple as it is. It shows that they don’t need much else because their vocals just shine.

14. 얼굴 찌푸리지 말아요 (Plz Don’t Be Sad)

I don’t think there could be a better, more fitting song for their comeback/re-branding as Highlight than this song. It just hit all the right notes. It’s fun, it appealed to the public, it showed their versatility in music while at the same time conveying their message for their fans: don’t be sad, be happy because we’re back to bless you with more music :’)

15. Sleep Tight

If anyone ever questions why Yangyo is their main vocal (though, seriously, why would anyone?), well, this song will tell you exactly why. He simply slays the song, all right, with his raspy voice that is so fitting for such a rock-ish kind of song. And it also proves, yet again, how their music is so versatile, that they can tackle almost everything: heartbreaking ballad, uptempo fun, rock, you name it,

Honorable mentions: Shadow (그림자), 그곳에서 (At That Place), Easy, I’m Sorry (2013 version), Butterfly.

[smallpressdistribution]

MAYA IS LEAVING AND DOESN’T WANT TO SO SHE’LL SAY “HELLO” INSTEAD

IN THIS WEEK’S SPDCLICKHOLE by Maya Arthur

Oh gosh, oh wowie, this is my last listicle of the season, friends. It was a v v v short time coming and i’m so sad :((partly because SPD is a v v v magical and supportive and chill space. And because I have to go back to school and update my LinkedIn for the “real world.” Guh-ross! I want out tbh. I wanna stay in this summer daze, this summer hibernation of ignoring my housemates, going into movie theaters by myself (a goal I always had, but was always too fearful to do!), making new friends through The Bachelorette, and turning 21 in Portland while eating Voodoo Donuts and watching Bob’s Burgers. I was born a Tina, but now I’m a fucking adult! I’m LINDA.

So in honor of a great, temporal, transitory summer, I bid you all goodbye!!! Or y’know maybe a see you later!! Or even like the beautiful “xoxo” my boss Trisha does at the end of her emails. Hugs and kisses are super lovely and not curt or final like goodbyes can be. I’ve been trying to find a more idiomatic way of saying “bye, i will be thinking about you always. I’m not gonna forget about you. let’s write letters. I REALLY MEAN IT LET’S WRITE LETTERS! and we will Skype once a week. NO, ACTUALLY TWICE,” but I keep failing. essentially SPD will always be in my heart just like my best friend from high school I haven’t talked to in six months (We are just on different paths! We go to different schools! She has a boyfriend she’s really invested in! That’s just life!).

So to bid you all goodbye, I’m going to say hello. Let’s pretend it’s opposite day so we don’t rub salt on this wound too much. Leaving is already hard. Also, I am saying hello because there is an Adele book (Adele: The Other Side) at SPD to accompany the one on Lana Del Rey!!! To be perfectly frank, I don’t think about Adele ever. Like she’s fine and brassy, but I’m in the “only listens to The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, podcasts about design and Kendrick Lamar” stage of my life. I’m sorry.

So honestly, this is just a list of books I think I would drunkenly tell Adele to read if I saw her at a social gathering and proceeded to talk at her.

xoxo, Maya

1. Dear Jenny, We Are All Find, Jenny Zhang (Octopus Books)

Dear Jenny occupies such a deep, sentimental place in my heart. It reminds me of the early years of college and of trudging along, letting situations envelop you and take you in. I bought her book freshman year because I remember specifically reading about poop in a preview. So yeah, that’s when I know something is good or at least I’m always ready to read about fecal matters and the nitty-gritty, the burps and the bumps. Zhang does it so organically. It’s a voyeuristic and surreal look at life that I feel I share with her or at least I understand and wish we were friends to talk about the bizarre way life can be. 

*Adele would roll her eyes at that statement and tell me about @pisspiggrandad*

2. Take This Stallion, Anaîs Duplan (Brooklyn Arts Press)

Fierce and terrifying, Take This Stallion is what I imagine “take no prisoners” mean. Duplan confides like teenage friendships, but braces you for very real world things, tells you all the things you thought couldn’t be said. It’s a world-building that is encapsulating and they always seem to validate the reader into their world. You and I remain a present force, yet all the same a lesser. They write, “I’m not opaque. I’m so relevant I’m disappearing.” Which at this stage in my life is the most appealing thing.

I would ask Adele what she thinks “take no prisoners” mean. And then wonder if Chasing Pavements is the equivalent of stalking (it’s not).

3. Oil and Candle, Gabriel Ojeda-Sague (Timeless, Infinite Light)

Gabe’s writing blows me away. Gabe’s presence blows me away. He is a July Leo and I am an August Leo so I feel like there must be a distinct binary. We are the same in our Leo-style melodrama, but Gabe finds a way to be unfazed by it all. Maybe to potentially funnel it into his writing. IDK. Gabe writes pronounced, I feel as those his writing booms throughout a space. When he performs, it’s so captivating. The ends of his words or sentences or poems or stanzas lilt up. Although much of his writing in Oil is bittersweet, a little bit devastating or a descriptor I can’t ultimately find, there is a brazenness and awareness. Gabe is very smart. His writing makes me cry and sometimes I read Oil and Candle several times a month and then actually see him in person and talk about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

4. Valley Fever, Julia Bloch (Sidebrow Books)

Julia Bloch’s writing is smooth and calculated, but gentle. She is also cheeky, small bursts of humor in her words. She writes as an all-knowing presence even about the things she doesn’t know or unsure about. “I know the structure of what I want to say/ but not which fibers, natural or chemical.” This summer, I took an Amtrak train through the Central Valley and felt a sort of hysteria and delight that reminded me of Valley Fever. Seeing fog and the Berkeley hills disappear to farm land and warehouses and factories and extended green was fascinating. The micro-climates produce many more micro-narratives and feelings and I usually don’t care too much about small talk about the weather (I’ll do it though because sometimes it is just really cold or just really hot or just really nice), but man, weather is so much different in California.

Valley fever is a fungus that gets in the lungs. It can cause fever and chest pain and coughing and other stuff and I’ve never had it. I will tell Adele that and the amount of times I’ve cried in Julia Bloch’s office.

5. Personal Science, Lillian-Yvonne Bertram (Tupelo Press)

Speaking of weather, Bertram’s Forecast in Personal Science is a beautiful prose piece. It anchors the book and it anchors that feeling of obsessive thinking and worrying and researching and wondering that anxiety brings out of people. The incessant checking, the constant circle back, the imagination roaming a little bit too wildly. It shows the personal process of one’s very serious, very real, very researched, very validated conclusions - that they come up with all by themselves. A personal science. “Nothing to be preserved/ By the idea of paradise” always roams around my mind and the conclusions I make from it take me by surprise.

6. Snowflake / different streets, Eileen Myles (Wave Books)

I met Eileen Myles in a class a year and a half ago and she looked fresh. She was definitely riding a high and becoming even more known and hopefully getting a bunch of Transparent money. She talked about everything and she was chill and her skin looked smooth. She seemed to be at the point where nothing really needed to be hush-hush or not talked about. She said everything that was on her mind and answered all our questions with a sincerity and clarity that was surprising. I was 19 and I remember never saying anything I really wanted to say. To anybody! But somehow she could and be so open and matter-of-fact and genuine. And that’s how her writing feels to me.

A woman I met at the Portland Farmers Market a week ago made me want to read Eileen again. The woman made skin products out of beeswax and she made intricate beeswax candle carvings for fun. There was elephants with tiny tusks and turtles with intricate shells and corn with all the kernels - it was magical! I don’t really, really know why I thought about Eileen when talking to the farmer’s market lady - the only physical similarity was their grey bobs, but I just kept thinking “fresh.” I loved this woman who made cat candles out of beeswax and was so animated about how divorce changes everything for the better and I love Eileen Myles.

7. Go Find Your Father/A Famous Blues, Harmony Holiday (Ricochet Editions)

Harmony Holiday’s book is half epistolary work to her father, a R&B songwriter and singer who passed when she was young and half intricate wonder and look into black men and a black woman’s relationship with them seen through old school R&B and soul. I read this title the first two weeks of being in the Bay area. It was June and I was new and nervous and I shared this book with a housemate at the beach in Alameda. While I was flailing around in the surprisingly warm water, she read it all. She handed me back the book and just said, “Damn.” That’s a great way to describe Holiday’s writing - damn. Both segments of the book read like a Nathaniel Mackey-esque journey, mixes of jazz and soul and Sun-Ra and the different scenarios and landscapes that texture this journey. It feels redemptive - I’m not sure of what, but of something.

See you on the other side, pals. <3