#although i haven’t seen the full extent of it

[ask-shane]

Hi babygirl I love u

what do you think about Alex misogynist comments?

he’s never said them to my face because he knows that if he did, i’d call it out. i don’t laugh at that shit.

i don’t think he’s a bad guy, but that’s an insensitive comment to make. i hope he’s learned and grown since then. and if not, maybe i’ll talk to him.

[iitsarss]

𓎟𓎟 reader x gr13f3r　 messy room　 ◞ ◟

ꔛ word count: 784⠀╱⠀established relationship 。

(¬_¬")⠀⠀⠀note ⠀╱⠀idk how to write i just did this,based of one of my bots lol srry if he isn't acurrate

After six agonizing months, Griefer—also known as Brad—was finally free.He had spent far too long in that stuffy hospital, and now, at last, he could return to his normal life. Video games, beating up people who annoyed him, and most importantly, spending time with you! Sure, you had visited him every day in the hospital,—which also ended in you both crying while hugging and Griefer apologizing for everything, although he would never mention it again in his life, it was way too embarrassing or at least that's what he thought—putting that aside, for Griefer it wasn’t the same when you visited him in the hospital.He missed the....freedom.

Today was different though; it was a perfect day for a date! The sun was shining, the heat was just right, and after a few hours of hanging out, Griefer felt a sense of ease wash over him. But there was something he had been wanting to ask you for a while now—something that had made him nervous every time it crossed his mind,you haven’t even been once to his place,sure you and Griefer had been dating for a while now,but before the venomshank incident you two only dated for at least 2 months and you haven’t been there even when you only were his friend,he normally told you that his place was “too cool for you to go there”,he was just a stupid asshole,a cute one though.

As you walked side by side, Griefer finally gathered up the courage to ask, his voice slightly hesitant,looking away for some seconds before looking at you.

"S0... W4NN4 C0M3 T0 MY PL4C3? 1 M34N, W3'R3 B0TH K1ND4 T1R3D 4ND 4LL... PLU5 Y0U H4V3 N3V3R B33N TH3R3..."

His heart raced, and a million scenarios played out in his head. What if they said no? What if they didn’t like the idea? What if- 

“Hm,sure,sounds good” You said while giving him the most beautiful smile he had seen in his life—he really was down bad—He let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding—this was his lucky day.

The way to his house,or more precisely room, was very tiring and long, why did he even live in that uh,mountain..? Whatever 

As you both stepped into Griefer's "house," the reality of his living situation hit you like a wave. The place was a total disaster—clothes scattered all over the floor, half-empty snack bags lying around, and sticky Bloxy Cola dripping from a shelf. A deck of cards was scattered across the coffee table, and in the corner sat a giant cage that you knew housed his gorilla mascot. Griefer, with his arm draped casually around your shoulders, didn’t seem too concerned about the mess. He was more nervous about having you over for the first time, and when he glanced at your face, he noticed something: a hint of hesitation or discomfort. He couldn't quite tell.

He stopped in his tracks and removed his arm from around your shoulders to face you, raising an eyebrow with a look of concern.

"H3Y... B4B3, Y0U 0K4Y?"

His voice was soft as he studied your expression, hoping—no, praying—that everything was alright. His fingers fidgeted nervously as he waited for your response.

“Griefer, this place is a mess—”

The words seemed to hit him like a punch to the gut. His face fell, and for a moment, it looked like you had just broken his heart. You felt a pang of guilt, wondering if you should have softened your tone. But it was the truth. You gestured around the room, arms wide open, pointing to the chaos surrounding you. “When was the last time you even cleaned this place?”

Griefer gulped, his eyes darting everywhere except at you, a nervous laugh escaping his lips. God, he was terrible at hiding his anxiety.

"H4—CL34N? PFF7—1T’5 N07 TH47 B4D!"

He looked around the room again, his shoulders sagging as he took in the full extent of the mess. Okay, maybe it was actually really bad. With a resigned sigh, he stepped closer to you, wrapping his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder.

"4LRIGHT, 1T'5 K1ND4 B4D—1 PR0M15E 1'LL CL34N 1T."

“Kinda bad?” you teased, raising an eyebrow.

He let out a frustrated grunt. "4LRIGHT, 1T’5 V3RY B4D."

In the end, you convinced him to clean up every corner of the room. He picked up clothes, tossed every can of Bloxy Cola into the trash, and wiped down every shelf. Though he grumbled and complained at first, a few kisses—and a little make-out session—soon had him smiling again, happier than ever to have you by his side.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

I have a couple questions. First, I have a story in mind about four neurodivergent queer teenagers facing their struggles and other conflict (it's very anime inspired and also inspired by Deltarune). 2 kids are autistic and the other 2 have ADHD, although I'm thinking about one of the kids with ADHD is also autistic. One of the characters also has PTSD. I'm mainly wondering if you have any sources about writing neurodivergent characters and writing about PTSD.

Secondly, your blog really helped me learned about autism and ADHD and made more convinced that I'm most likely autistic and that my parents yelled at in past (and present) because of my autistic traits. Do you have any good sources for parents (as well as me) to learn more about autism so that they won't have a stereotypical idea of what autism is like anymore and to convince them to get me diagnosed (since I'm a minor)

Thirdly, I have a question if struggling learning grammar of your mother language can related to autism? Because I kinda suck at grammar and when I try to learn grammar rules I don't really actually learn. ( I guess that my teachers in elementary in school didn't know how to teach). I also really want to write my story and possibly get it published eventually.

Lastly, in your profile it says that you like rocks and fossils, so what's your favorite rock/mineral? Because I also like rocks and fossils.

Hi there,

Question 1:

I think the concept of your story is very interesting (even if I haven’t played Deltarune). And when it comes to PTSD, it can affect both autism and ADHD. Neurodivergent Insights has some great Venn diagrams showing the similarities and differences between the two:

If you want, you can add some of your own traits or your friend’s to the characters, which might help some.

Question 2:

This is difficult to answer, as I don’t know you personally and haven’t seen your home life. But I have found some sources that could possibly help:

I found this Reddit post from r/autism that has some tips that could help too:

Hopefully these can help.

Question 3:

Since people learn things at vastly different rates, some may be very good with grammar and English (it was my favorite subject and I got an associate degree in it). While others may struggle. In one study I read, it said:

The first studies on grammar and autism, published in the early 1980s, suggested that syntax isn’t a particularly big problem for children with the disorder. This work found that children with autism learn grammar in the same way that typical children do, but at a slower rate, in line with their overall developmental delay.

Since then, a couple of studies have suggested the linguistic picture is much more nuanced. For example, one study showed that children with autism don’t use correct verb tenses. Another found that they produce less complex sentences than do typical children or those with developmental delays

The full article will be below:

In one other article I found, it stated:

Linguistic and cognitive abilities manifest huge heterogeneity in children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Some children present with commensurate language and cognitive abilities, while others show more variable patterns of development. Using spontaneous language samples, we investigate the presence and extent of grammatical language impairment in a heterogeneous sample of children with ASD. Findings from our sample suggest that children with ASD can be categorized into three meaningful subgroups: those with normal language, those with marked difficulty in grammatical production but relatively intact vocabulary, and those with more globally low language abilities. These findings support the use of sensitive assessment measures to evaluate language in autism, as well as the utility of within-disorder comparisons, in order to comprehensively define the various cognitive and linguistic phenotypes in this heterogeneous disorder.

The full article will be below if you’d like to read it too:

Question 4:

I have lots of rocks that I think are pretty cool. One of my favorite minerals is bismuth due to its cool properties. My favorite rock type is igneous because it’s a rock from a volcano/molten rock and it has its own properties too.

Anyway, I hope those answer your questions. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[lestappenforever]

Hey Mona, first of all I wanted to say I love your blog!!

I wanted to ask you a question because I'm going through it right now.

Have you ever felt like not watching F1?

I've been a F1 for many, many years (I'm old LOL) and I've seen some stuff going down in this sport. I've been here for the Seb Vettel years, Merc/Lewis domination and the Red Bull years again. There were boring races, drama etc. But I never thought of just not watching. I never disliked a team or a driver to the point where I'm angry he's on pole or wins. Then McLaren happened. And honestly I don't know how to deal with my feelings.

I just don't wanna watch them win, but on the other hand I don't wanna not watch the race in case my driver (Charles) has a good race.

Hi anon! Thank you so much for this message, I'm so happy you like my blog!

I'm an old F1 fan as well, so I've had plenty of years of experience watching different things go down. But nothing has ever made me want to stop watching, not even McLaren doing well right now. Although I am obviously quite emotionally invested in the sport and quite a few drivers, it just doesn’t impact me that much because at the end of the day, it's just a sport.

We've seen teams and drivers dominate on and off for numerous decades, and most of those periods have been dominated by teams and drivers that haven’t exactly been at the top of my list of favorites. That's just how the sport goes. And as a Max fan first and foremost, yeah, of course it sucks that he's no longer completely dominating every race because Red Bull didn't build the fastest car this year and another team did. But is it making me want to stop watching just because it's not my favorite driver and team dominating? Absolutely not. Mercedes has always been at the very bottom of my list of teams, so you can imagine I wasn’t having a very good time during the years they were dominating. But not even then did it even occur to me to stop watching.

Nobody likes watching a team or drivers they don't like doing well when their own favorite team and drivers are underperforming. But that's how F1 is, and it would never occur to me to stop watching a sport I've watched for more than two decades just because a season or five isn’t going the way I want it to. There’s also the fact that McLaren have made an impressive car this season, and they have drivers capable of performing in it, and that's something that can't be taken away from them. They deserve credit for that because it is an impressive feat, and there is no denying they are having a great season so far.

However, if the current situation impacts your emotions, your mental health and your love for the sport to the extent that you want to stop watching, you should definitely consider it. I'm all for the fact that if something doesn’t bring you joy, you should stop engaging with it, either for a while or permanently.

It is so incredibly important to remember that in the grand scheme of things, this is just a sport full of privileged, rich men driving fast cars for a living. And touching grass whenever it consumes you a little too much is essential to make sure that fact is not lost on you.

[scruffyssketchbook]

Vay is honestly such a tragic character and nobody really talks about it :(

Being a prickly asshole is an extremely understandable response to what happened to him, although it’s not a good or ethical one. In Vay’s eyes, the old Blizz, the one he cared about, is dead and was replaced by some cruel mockery. Of course he hates him! And on top of that, Blizz doesn’t remember anything about the lab, and Vay must be incredibly jealous of that. Vay is mean and prickly but it must be hard to be anything else at this point. The other mon in the box really don’t understand the extents of what happened to him. Even if anyone knows what truly happened, I sincerely doubt they really understand his struggle. Everyone is so busy trying to deal with their own problems that it’s near impossible to reach out and really understand somebody else’s, especially when their trauma’s mostly come from a similar place. They’re trying so hard to ignore what happened that looking into anybody’s else’s pain would only bring back their’s at full force.

Back on topic, even if Vay wanted to be kinder, how could he be? He has no healthy outlet for his trauma or emotions. He’s already ruined his relationships with just about every mon in the box, repairing them would be such a daunting task that trying would probably just make Vay relapse into assholery. It’s not as if every mon would forgive him. Blizz might, but we already know why that wouldn’t work for Vay. I imagine spending time around someone who is kind-of-but-not-really your (long dead, in your eyes) hero would be HELL for anyone!

For any of the cast to truly move on from what happened to them, they would have to 1), be and feel safe, which a lot of them aren’t and none of them do, 2), actually acknowledge and process all the bad things that happened to them, which a lot of them have spent the entire course of the story running from, 3) process the bad things they’ve done themselves and try to make amends, which I presume most of them would struggle with, and 4) have the motivation to actually change, which is probably the hardest one.

Vay, and everyone else for that matter, needs outside support to heal from his trauma. He can’t do it alone. But he either won’t accept the help from others, or the others won’t provide it. And it isn’t like Vay will ever forget or fully move on from what happened to him. He’ll never fully feel safe or happy again. Even if Vay is willing to put in the effort to change, imagine how awful it must feel knowing that you’ll never be whole again, that some part of you, the happiest part of you, will never come back. Even Vay’s physical appearance is directly tied to his trauma. He sees it every time he sees his reflection, he will never be rid of his traumas. That would be a massive demotivator for anybody!

And I haven’t even touched on Nego! Imagine what kind of guilt he’s fostering for keeping Nego locked up for years(?). Imagine the guilt and loneliness he felt after sending him away. The circumstances surrounding Nego’s conception/birth may also have taken a toll on Vay, but I admit I would need to do another rereading if I wanted to make a proper statement about that.

Anyway it’s my firm opinion that Vay needs intensive therapy, and I’d like to scoop him up in my arms and tell him that he’s safe and loved and never needs to worry again <3 that’s my son right there, fr fr. He just needs some good direction and a lot of support, I can fix him, I swear

You gotta also remember!!! It has been shown several times that Vay does in fact care about Blizz. And it isn’t just that Blizz forgot the lab!!! Blizz forgot everything they been through TOGETHER. That makes Vay more angry honestly. It is correct that the other mon don’t know the extent of what happened to him, but you know who did? Old Blizz. His closest friend, the one he looks up with such admiration, his hero. The only other who comes even close is Flame, and Flame AVOIDS Vay! We have seen in the comic that all of the main boys except Blizz decided the best course of action to take with Vay is to leave him alone and give him space. Welp. They’ve been doing that for years and it just seemed to not help at all.

Along with all the other things- yeah Vay needs massive therapy. ALL of the cast does lol

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Richard Dawkins

Published: Jun 3, 2023

“We must trust to nothing but facts: these are presented to us by nature and cannot deceive. We ought, in every instance, to submit our reasoning to the test of experiment, and never to search for truth but by the natural road of experiment and observation” (Antoine Lavoisier, 1743-94).

“Nothing is too wonderful to be true, if it be consistent with the laws of nature” (Michael Faraday, 1791-1867).

Evidence-based medicine was defined in an influential paper in the British Medical Journal 1996 as “The conscientious, explicit, and judicious use of current best evidence in making decisions about the care of individual patients.” It seems surprising that it even needed defining. How could sensible medicine not be evidence-based? The authors consider, and reject, the mutually contradictory arguments that, on the one hand, “All doctors do it anyway” and, on the other hand “It’s a dangerous innovation perpetrated to suppress the freedom of doctors to exercise their clinical judgement.” I want to generalise the arguments and advocate what I am calling Evidence-based Life.

Every moment of our lives we are faced with decisions. What shall I do next? What do I believe? To help us decide what to do next, we can draw upon copious evidence: the evidence of our senses, evidence from books, from conversations, newspapers, the Internet. We have the evidence from past experience (What happened when I previously was in this situation and did so-and-so?). We have evidence from a kind of future, as we simulate possible futures in imagination (I can see myself doing so-and-so and I can imagine the consequences). We can take advice from friends or mentors, books or traditional wisdom – and that can be seen as vicarious borrowing of other people’s past experience and simulated futures.

Much the same can be said of what we believe. I believe the world is round because I’ve flown to Australia via Asia and returned via America. I believe it because I’ve seen photographs from space. I believe it because of books I’ve read, lessons at school from teachers who seemed to know what they were talking about, and so on. I believe it because physics books tell me of a principle whereby large bodies tend to become spherical under the influence of gravity.  A very great deal of what we know, even that which really is based on sound scientific evidence, we have to take on trust, because we haven’t the time or the ability to examine it in detail.

Even expert scientists haven’t the time or the expertise to evaluate sciences other than their own. Most biologists are ill-equipped to understand modern physics. And vice versa although, I have to admit, to a lesser extent. In any case, nobody has the time to do full justice to all the detailed research papers in a journal such as Nature or Science, even if we could understand them. If we read a report that gravitational waves have been reliably detected as emanating from a collision between two distant galaxies, most of us take it on trust. It almost sounds like taking it on faith.  But it’s a faith that’s more securely grounded than, say, religious faith. That’s an understatement. When biologists like me express “faith” in the findings of physics, we know that physicists’ predictions have been verified by experimental measurements to find accuracy. Very different from “faith” in, for example, the doctrine of transubstantiation which makes no predictions at all, let alone testable and tested ones.

Nevertheless, scientific evidence is not always reliable. With the best will in the world, scientists can deceive themselves. Medical science has adopted the Double Blind Control Experiment, an admirable device for eliminating all possibility of subjective bias. Long ago, my then wife Marian (now a Fellow of the Royal Society) and I used it for fun in a trivial demonstration experiment. We wanted to know who made the best razor blades for shaving, Gillette or Wilkinson. Our quality criterion was how long a blade would last before I found it uncomfortable to shave and discarded it. Obviously that was a subjective judgement. It was important that I should not be allowed to know which make of blade I was using to shave. So Marian was solely responsible for putting a new blade into my razor, every time I pronounced the previous one worn out. If she had alternated the blades, Gillette, Wilkinson, Gillette, Wilkinson etc, that could have given me a clue. So she chose the blades according to a previously written-down random sequence, which I was not allowed to see. After a previously written-down number of blade-changes (I can’t remember what that number was but it had to be pre-determined), we looked at the data, consisting of a series of durations measured in days before each blade wore out. We analysed the data statistically and concluded that Wilkinson blades were significantly superior.

This was technically a Single-blind experiment. There remained the possibility that Marian could have inadvertently influenced my decision on when to declare a blade exhausted – the so-called Clever Hans Effect. A German horse called Clever Hans was apparently able to do simple arithmetic, tapping his hoof five times, say, when asked “What is two plus three?” It was eventually revealed that his trainer was unconsciously giving him cues, subtly changing his body language when Hans’s hoof taps reached the right number. Ideally our experiment should have been not Single Blind but Double Blind: the person inserting the blades into the razor should have been ignorant as to which was which – a little harder to arrange, though not impossible. Somebody else, neither Marian nor I, would have prepared a randomised sequence of blades, then Marian should have dispensed them when I pronounced the previous one spent. Clinical trials of new medicines nowadays usually follow the Double Blind design: the patients, the doctors or nurses administering the doses, and the experimenters judging the medicine’s effectiveness, and are kept in strict ignorance as to which patients get the drug, which they control. Without the strictures of the Double Blind design, there is always the danger of subjective judgement creeping in.

Blind control trials constitute only one weapon in science’s armoury against being misled by subjective judgement. Experiments are repeated. Scientific papers are rigorously refereed before publication and exposed to critical scrutiny afterwards. Experiment itself is the only ultimate safeguard against the notorious “correlation doesn’t have to imply causation” truism. Correlation really does imply causation if the putative cause happens when an experimenter makes it happen, rather than waiting for it to happen spontaneously. Of course, the experimenter must make it happen on a large number of independent occasions, and at random rather than in a regular pattern such as might introduce a spurious correlation. Finally, the correlation must be unlikely to have arisen by chance – unlikely according to some agreed criterion such as, “If we repeated the whole experiment a thousand times, we’d expect only one of those repeats to yield a result as extreme as this by chance.” That’s what tests of statistical significance are for.

In advocating evidence-based life, I don’t of course mean we should do double-blind, statistically-analysed experiments before making a decision, or before believing anything. Life’s too short, and there are many other reasons why it would be impractical. But it is worth imbibing the spirit of evidence-based medicine by being deliberately aware of possible sources of bias. Have I looked even-handedly at the available evidence or did I under-value or even ignore evidence that contradicted my prior beliefs? Or evidence that might have contradicted the beliefs of my tribe (religion, political party, favourite opinion-leader etc)? Do I read only the Guardian and ignore the Telegraph? Or vice versa. Do I watch only Fox News and ignore CNN? Do I tune out when exposed to news, or views, that contradict my prior prejudices?  Are my views on climate change (vaccination, Covid-protection masks) based on the best available evidence, or are they coloured by political or religious prejudice, or tribal loyalties of some kind?

Evidence-based Life could justify a whole book, not just a brief essay such as this. So let me just mention some of the more insidious and alluring alternatives which might tempt us away from evidence. I’ll list them in the form of headings to which I might return in future postings. 

It’s how I feel. It may not be true for you but it’s true for me. Alternative “ways of knowing” are just as valid as science, which is just the mythology of a white male tribe. I don’t need science, I’ve got my Holy Book. I don’t need science, commonsense is good enough for me. The evidence of my biology clearly indicates that I am male, but I feel I am a woman therefore I am a woman.

Richard Dawkins

==

Richard Dawkins' new Substack is "The Poetry of Reality with Richard Dawkins."

[granulesofsand]

Feel free just to ignore this

So I know pluralpedia is obviously not a good place of information but this, this gives us a bad taste in our mouth as a programmed system. But since I really don’t know the full extent of what(and I say this with all  distaste) can be accomplished with programming, but I don’t think you can program yourself. Yes internal programming, but that’s usually put there by the handler. I don’t want to start drama and that’s not what I’m trying to do but to all my knowledge(and I can admit it is limited to my org and the things that happen to me and others ) that you CANNOT program yourself, you can condition yourself, but that is nowhere near the on the level of programming. I think it’s dangerous to spread misinformation about DID and especially about programming, like anything misinformation sucks.

I guess what I’m asking is this possible?

Im sorry about this.

https://pluralpedia.org/w/Self-programming

I clicked through the pages I haven’t read before, and I’m gonna take a more neutral stance on this.

🗝️🏷️ RAMCOA, programming, sh, syscourse

I haven’t seen the system mentioned as having coined it, but there are three listed examples.

The first is a traumagenic alter building their system of their own volition. I can see how this situation could arise and have no problem with it, but I wouldn’t call it programming. I probably wouldn’t call just this conditioning either.

It’s fairly common for alters to be able to interact and heavily affect their environment. If they’re creating structures and subspaces, good for them. Not programming. If they’re implementing commands not given directly by an abuser (maybe a sociocultural norm or forcing ‘good’ behavior), that might be conditioning. Also not programming.

The third (I did skip the second) is allowing the system to be programmed as a form of self-harm. That’s not self-programming. That would be just programming. Similarly, I don’t believe that putting yourself into an abusive situation constitutes self-harm in the same way that damaging your own body does.

Even lowering your defenses or creating ideal conditions is not doing the programming. Even asking someone to do it isn’t the same as doing it yourself. I do think that the external figure harming you is responsible for the harm, although there are nuances to both. Still not self-programming.

The second is exomemories. They specify parogenic systems with programming by their creator in the given text, but I’m going to address every kind of exomemory.

I wouldn’t mind having an alter tell me they experienced xyz in their exomemories as long as they bring up that it is exomemories. I can’t guarantee any kinship or overlap, but neither can I for any other person.

Along those lines, I wouldn’t consider innerworld memories as unreal as coverup memories. I don’t know if a nonprogrammed system can recreate the circumstances needed for external programming, but ours can and does. Even totally unrelated memories are a different kind of unreality from coverups, as they can be held as real by the alter.

Coverups are more up to the alter, if they are desperate enough for understanding to pop up in these communities. Some folks don’t think of those memories as real to them, so they aren’t. Some do but don’t care to risk themselves to the crowd.

Neither can claim RAMCOA in external reality if they don’t consider their memories external. But I wouldn’t shoot down interaction from those whose memories matter to them in that way.

As for the term itself, it’s fine. The examples are all iffy, but there are other means of identifying as self-programmed that would be fair in my eyes.

I also don’t mind the terms ‘scriptwriter’ or ‘scripted group’, but I don’t feel comfortable with no programmed systems using them. The references in the self-programming entry are not the people I would be okay with using those terms without some clarification.

RAMCOA is still trauma, and it feels icky to have people claiming entry to this really sucky thing we went through seemingly without research. It’s touchy for a lot of survivors, and it would be preferable to introduce around those words first if you can. We’re still in danger because of this abuse, and it’s a sore spot to poke into blind.

[emissaryoftheguilty]

“Then you may help to your heart’s content for as long as you stay here,” Wriothesley acquiesced, nodding once.

It was a little odd, the thought of having someone who’s not already employed under him or under his watch working around the Fortress, but if that’s what Diluc needed in order to distract himself during his stay, then so be it.

As Diluc began the retelling of his history, Wriothesley quieted down and simply listened.

After their very first meeting, the Duke looked more into his new companion as well as business partner, wanting to learn more about this fiery young master. What he found mentioned that Diluc was accomplished ever since a young age, yet it didn’t have too many details on the hows or whys. So hearing about him becoming a Cavalry Captain at just fourteen was impressive, but also…shocking.

Even Mondstadt had child militants? How strange.

However, he didn’t question this nor did his face contort to indicate any emotion. He was a blank slate, one clear of any judgement. He knows that would be the last thing Diluc would need, even if said judgement wasn’t directed towards him.

The way he spoke of his brother was fond, that was undeniable. It sounded as though the two moved as one, acted as one. He wondered just when and how things went wrong, if their beginning was so wonderful.

What separated these supposedly inseparable brothers?

That question was soon put aside in lieu of Diluc speaking of the attack, and the loss of his father. He’s heard of those delusions, has seen one on the Harbinger during his stay, even if not in action. He was aware that they were dreadful things, but perhaps didn’t know the full extent as to why they were. He would think that such dangerous things would be recalled, although it seems that was merely just a ‘feature’ of those accursed items.

The loss of a father was understandably devastating, especially when a boy such as Diluc had been so close to him. To lose a parent is never easy, especially when so, so young. An eighteen-year-old is still a child, even if seen as an adult by the rest of the world. It’s arguably one of the more tender ages, as suddenly you’ve gained more responsibilities that you’ve yet to learn how to properly navigate. So to suddenly lose a parent that has normally guided you up until then…

He can’t begin to fathom the discord and turmoil the young man has gone through, no less when the supposed protectors of his nation wanted to simply brush what had truly happened under the rug.

With a frown, he let the silence linger for a bit before the young master apologized. Shaking his head, he lifted a hand in assurance. “You never have to apologize to me, Diluc. You haven’t done anything wrong, especially not towards me. You’ve had a lot on your shoulders since you were a mere child. I’m sure at the time it was something you were absolutely proud of, to become the youngest Cavalry Captain… Yet, that’s a lot of weight on a young boy’s shoulders,” he assured, his voice gentle despite his words.

“I also offer my condolences over your father’s loss. Please, take as much time as you need to recenter yourself.”

"No, I really must insist. Besides-- It will help me not to dwell if I have something to focus on."

And Diluc knew just how often he fell into that same old pattern of lingering too long on that which was chiefly unpleasant. If left to his own devices, he's prone to getting wrapped up in ideas that might be considered actively harmful. He sought to stave that off for as long as possible, lest Wriothesley get the impression that he's too unstable to work with in the future. He simply wanted to be dependable to someone.

To start from the beginning made sense -- but he dreaded the length and complexity of his family history, and their links to the Fatui. He dreaded speaking of his father: of admitting to actions that he wasn't proud of.

"I was once a Knight of Favonius." He starts, mentally debating what was too much (or too little) information to give. "Cavalry Captain by age fourteen. I gave my all to my duties as a Knight and trained relentlessly, because it was all that my father ever dreamed of for me. My little brother followed my every step, in the way that little brothers do. We were close, almost like twins in spite of our obvious physical differences."

Attached at the hip, they were -- and even now he feels lost without Kaeya, fearing the day that they would come to have spent longer apart than they ever were together.

"On the same day that I came of age, a foul dragon targeted one of our convoys -- and we were easily overwhelmed. My father never had a vision, yet somehow he drove the dragon away. As it turned out, he'd come into the possession of a delusion. He intended upon passing it down to me, though I really had no need of it since I'd had my vision ever since I was just a boy."

A hand moves to soothe his furrowed brow, and for a while, he's silent. It's still hard to reconcile with the events of that day, and his own failures as Captain.

"And in the next instant, he was lying between my arms in unending agony. So I put him out of his misery." He can say it so matter-of-factly nowadays, but it did not mean that his heart hurt any less. Even now, he feels his chest squeeze tightly, and Diluc attempts to put his father's final, dreadful moments out of his mind as quickly as possible.

He sinks low into his place on the sofa, and sips at his drink, savoring the warmth that rose in his chest.

"With the Dragon still on the loose, it was decided that the reputation of the Knights would likely suffer if the people learned that it was a businessman who put an end to the attack. The order was put out to cover up the truth and bury my father with it. I quit the Knights on the spot, and threw in my vision at the same time. As a captain, I couldn't tolerate such dishonesty -- and as a son, I wouldn't accept the disrespect."

This... Was enough for one moment, he thought. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears, drowning out the calming ambiance from the phonograph, and his countenance disappears under the shade of his hood. The teacup is set down, and the cloak about his shoulders is tugged close, as if to stave off a sudden chill.

"I apologize; It's heavy for me to speak aloud."

[deadcactuswalking]

My favourite hit song of 2022

I did not make a list of the best or worst hit songs of the year. If I did, you would have read it already but alas, I did not write down my thoughts on my favourite or least favourite hits that 2022 is produced. For what it’s worth, I did draft a list of what those would be, but the worst list is full of boring songs from last year. Why I didn’t do this is largely because I was focused on non-charting new releases in 2022, because they were a Hell of a lot more refreshing, but also because these lists end up slightly redundant when half of them I have probably already covered on REVIEWING THE CHARTS – where I end up reviewing UK hits, broadening my horizons to an extent not really seen in those year-end lists. Also, it felt a bit dishonest. I was listening to, let’s see here, 1990s queercore punk, twee pop, plunderphonics and depressive conscious hip hop the whole year, who am I if I go on tirades about good Justin Bieber was, even if it was a good year quality-wise for pop music? Regardless, it felt weird ending the year on just any other old episode of the chart show, so... what were my favourite hit songs of the year?

Well, going off on the Billboard Year-End Hot 100 and then removing songs that made the 2021 year-end also as I probably would have done, this is what my list, without the #1, looks like.

#10 – “Después de la Playa” – Bad Bunny #9 – “PUFFIN ON ZOOTIEZ” – Future #8 – “Never Say Never” – Cole Swindell and Lainey Wilson #7 – “’Til You Can’t” – Cody Johnson #6 – “All Too Well” (Taylor’s Version) – Taylor Swift #5 – “Something in the Orange” – Zach Bryan #4 – “Ghost” – Justin Bieber #3 – “I Hate U” – SZA #2 – “Running up that Hill (A Deal with God)” – Kate Bush

See why I didn’t write this up now? Since I knew I wasn’t going to, I was able to be more truthful with myself and not my capabilities – half of the list I’d already praised heavily on the weekly series, and let’s be real, I could not do “All Too Well” or Kate Bush justice if I tried. I can talk about my #1 though, surely. That #1 represents the year, right? It’s the song you think defines the year of pop music and gives you a lot to talk about... right? Well, actually, not really. The song that most defined this year in pop music is probably “Big Energy” by Latto, which goes to show how genuinely terrible 2022 could seem in terms of its trends. And as for giving me a lot to talk about, I don’t know – I’ve never tried. I listened to it out of curiosity in the early Summer and ever since then, I never even registered it as a hit. It just... meant something more, and I’ve never tried to tap into that. However, there’s no better time than the present, so I suppose I should try. My favourite hit song of 2022 was “PROVENZA” by KAROL G, and I’m going to find out why.

#1 – “PROVENZA” – KAROL G

I’m not a KAROL G fan. I’ve heard her hits this year and one of her albums, and I found all of her music incredibly charming and oddly whimsical but I can’t say I’m a big fan because I simply haven’t heard enough. I’m not a fan of any of the artists on my list except maybe SZA and even then, I still haven’t heard SOS. So since blind fandom is out of the question, what elements of a song matter in terms of an individual opinion? Well, that’s a ridiculous question with like a morbillion answers but let’s try and find some basic answers.

We can kind of push genre to the wayside but it is relevant to one of the main reasons people like music, although interestingly not one people pointed out to me: lyrics and songwriting. It’s safe to say that I don’t speak Spanish, and I know very little music theory. I did GCSE Spanish for literally a month. I’ve listened to this song many a time in the past year – though not as much as many others, we’ll get to that – and really, the only words I could ever decipher were “baby” and what I thought was “tempo” (it’s not), as well as the song title and producer Ovy on the Drums’ tag in the outro. I never looked at the lyrics, and I almost don’t want to. I’m sure that translating the lyrics would do me a load of good in understanding the song, but I gravitated to this song without understanding the lyrics and I’ve constructed some kind of narrative in terms of my relationship with the song: it’s pure comfort for me, thanks to the production, and I kept on coming back to it to feel that comfort in a year which was not particularly willing to grant me it, even if it granted me a bit more stability than the last year. This song to me encapsulated that because of how constant it feels. I’m not sure if I’d want to translate the lyrics and threaten my relationship with the song, especially since I rarely get all that emotionally connected to media, music in particular. It seems like ruining a good thing, and considering the year before and the year ahead, at least for me personality, 2022 seems like a bubble that I don’t particularly want to pop.

Speaking of things that don’t pop, let’s talk about the production and vocals, since that is what is in the file of the song itself, not all these contrived connections that are just my transposed personal issues, I’m sure. If I didn’t care so much about this song, which is a development that took months after its release in April of this year, I still think I’d like it a lot, which is kind of unusual for reggaeton (though this is closer to dancehall, really). I love the tropical sound effects, the water splashing over the simple lead melody which occasionally gets drowned out by the percussion, feeling like pebbles washed over by the sea and snaps that may as well be crabs nipping at your feet. I’m not even a person who likes beaches particularly, or really has any wish to go to some beach in Latin America, but I’d imagine this is what it sounds like, Bad Bunny ad-libs included. I don’t know if that really is Bad Bunny but it sounds just like him, and his little echoed shouts as well as his harmonised, Auto-Tune-drenched backing vocals feel like the most “tense” elements of this song opposite KAROL’s second verse. In fact, there is an odd tension to this song. It’s a typical pop song length but in part due to those strings as well as the drums finding a way to seep in and out, it feels a lot shorter and occupies a space that is strictly temporary. Hell, it even fades out by the end, which is something I usually find cheap. This even weasels its way into the songwriting: KAROL G’s performance, whilst mostly spectacular, is still a bit slippery, emphasised even more by the Auto-Tune and the really fast-paced second verse, as well as the fact that half of the final chorus eschews the percussion entirely because it – for the only time in the song – gains some velocity and comes in for the attack.

That theme of being temporary makes it even more special: it’s trying to get the best out of everything whilst you have it all, and for 2022, that’s really what defined my year. Sure, you can press replay on the song constantly, but that’s not what I did, really: according to Spotify Wrapped, there are 54 songs I listened to much more. What I did was come back to it when I just wanted something easy. It was a breeze of comfort that I absolutely acknowledge was temporary as I’d probably get back to listening to angry lesbian punk rock soon after... but for a time, the sky is clear and blue, your feet are on the sand, and everything’s okay for now.

Here’s to a good 2023. Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you on Friday for REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

[artbyblastweave]

Thinking about Purity

I have two thoughts on Purity. Here they are:

One. Her trigger event consisted of her being trapped in a lethal environment with no resources, gradually going insane, and developing overwhelming firepower in order to fight off a horde of assailants who didn’t actually exist. I can’t imagine what that’s a metaphor for. Haven’t the foggiest.

Two.  Purity is interesting, from a worldbuilding perspective, because at the start of the story there’s an actual niche archetype from the comics that she’s fulfilling.

 “Hardcore street-level hero who actually turns out to be a racist lunatic that the actual heroes need to take down” isn’t quite a chestnut at the big two but it’s a story beat I’ve seen multiple times; Nightwing vs his building’s insane janitor in Dixon’s run, Captain America vs Jack Monroe and to a lesser extent USAgent, I feel like Batman’s deal with Lock-up from the animated series inches towards this, although that one wasn’t explicitly racialized. Punisher’s done this a couple times, It’s Peacemaker’s whole bit, there’s definitely a few more I’m forgetting.

So the subversive element here isn’t that she’s an openly racist superhero; it’d that she’s still allowed to be a racist superhero. It’s that a thematically appropriate hero like Legend hasn’t come to town specifically to drop the hammer on her for daring to be an openly racist superhero. 

 And to be charitable, what’s usually going on in those other stories is that the racist heroes are almost always explicitly bad knockoffs of the protagonist. They’re intended as a dark mirror, because the obvious failure mode of heroic vigilantism is that it’s extremely appealing to racists, glory hounds, egomaniacs and egomaniacal racist glory hounds, but the flip side of that is that people with those characteristics go down like chumps in a fight with a true-blue hero. They exist in the story as a one-off warning for the real heroes, who give them a chance and then chuck them in the bin when they show their true colors.

Worm, though, doesn’t have a just-so structure. The racist idiots who get superpowers and develop delusions of heroism don’t provide the courtesy of also being weak and incompetent enough that the “real” heroes can root them out with minimal fuss. Purity won the goddamn power lottery; she’s one of the most powerful capes in the Bay, with hit-and-run capabilities that all of the heroes working together are textually incapable of countering. (And this isn’t like The Boys where they’re all secretly in bed with each other- New Wave has serious beef with the Empire! They would absolutely pin her ass to the wall if the opportunity arose, but they can’t!)

So in a very real sense, The Protectorate is pussyfooting around her, letting her exist in the gray zone of self-deluded vigilantism, because.... well, the second she can’t sustain her self-deception anymore, the second someone really pushes, her go-to reaction is to commit a mass casualty event. She was always a time bomb, and so the strategy of just continuing to label her as a villain, while she continuously hopefully refreshes PHO to see if any helpful fans have updated her wiki page yet, is, you know, I get it. It’s not great but I get it. A hands on approach only works if you can actually lay hands on them.

But! As far as I can remember, she was functionally operating as an Independent Hero as the setting defines it! Everyone in power pretends she isn’t but she was still in that ballpark, hand in hand with how selectively racist she was being about it! She was a vigilante, she was out to target “criminals” and clean up the streets using her powers, she had a costume and a secret identity- actually one of the few capes we see in Brockton Bay with a full-time day job- and she was really really really racist.

So with Purity, Worm is being honest about the inability of a superhero community to clean house, to effectively police who gets to be a part of it, who gets to actively consider themselves a part of it. There was never going to be a righteous beat-down where she gets “kicked out” of the fraternity, no “you are not affiliated with me” moment that finally gets through, even though many heroes in the setting would dearly love to deliver such a thing. A certain level of power purchases the right to think of yourself in whatever terms you want, and the heroes just have to stand around looking uncomfortable and swearing up and down that, no, her vigilantism is different from good vigilantism, honest, completely different underlying models.

[supernovafics]

𝐄𝐗𝐈𝐋𝐄

pairing: ari levinson x fem!reader

summary: in which it had been more than a year since you had last spoken to or seen ari, and with the painful way things ended between you both you were completely okay with never speaking to him again. however, it is a birthday party that finally places you both in the same vicinity and leads to one too many awkward and emotional encounters

word count: 3.9k words

warnings: angst, slight fluff, explicit language

author’s note: first time writing for ari and i’m surprised it has taken me this long lol (full folklore series masterlist here!)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

❝i think i’ve seen this film before, and i didn't like the ending. you're not my homeland anymore, so what am i defending now? you were my town. now i’m in exile, seein' you out.❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“I’m surprised we haven’t talked yet today.”

You weren’t too shocked to hear Ari’s voice right then, mainly because you knew that having some sort of an actual conversation with him was inevitable. And, in fact, the only thing that truly surprised you about that moment was that it hadn’t happened sooner.

You turned your gaze toward him and lifted your shoulders in a simple shrug. “I don’t know. There really isn’t anything to talk about.”

There was definitely a lot that the two of you could talk about, but you wanted to pretend that everything was completely okay between you both. Because it had been a little over a year since you two had last spoken, and now everything actually was fine between you two, for the most part. Somewhat. Barely.

Ari gave you a look that called you on your bullshit, and you hated that somehow, after all that time apart, he could still read you so easily.

When you first saw him earlier that day, it startled you. Your mind immediately traveled back to the last time you saw him, which was a moment full of angry tears and yelling that you now looked back on as the best worst thing to ever happen to you.

Following the brief look at him that caused a million different emotions to wash over you in the span of a few seconds, you continued on with the conversation you were having and pretended as if you hadn’t been affected by his presence at all.

In hindsight, you really shouldn’t have been too surprised to see him; it was mainly his family at the party, after all. However, it was rare and almost a given at that point that he would not show up to family events because he was always so busy with work. This specific event was for his niece’s seventh birthday, which had the theme of both princesses and cowboys because Willow couldn’t choose just one. Although you and Ari were no longer together, you still remained great friends with his sister, Celia, which was the reason why you had been invited to her house for the birthday party.

You had looked away from Ari so quickly that you were unsure if he had noticed you in the expansive backyard, which was full of many people and a huge bouncy house that was probably the first thing he saw. However, you could practically feel his gaze on you, and when you finally met his eyes, even though the two of you were on opposite ends of the backyard, you could feel something silently being said between you both.

Absolutely nothing was verbally said, nor was any gesture made as the pair of you simply stared at one another for a few moments. When you finally pulled your eyes away from his, out of your peripheral vision, you noticed him look away as well and begin to greet some of his family members.

For some reason, you thought that would be the extent of interaction you would have with him at the birthday party. However, now there you both were, hours later, standing next to the bouncy house and watching the last few kids, including Willow, continue to bounce their little hearts out.

“What do you want me to say?” You asked him. Finally, breaking the minor silence that had been prevailing.

He shrugged halfheartedly. “The cynical part of me was expecting an immediate “fuck you” or “I hate you.””

You let out a soft sigh and met his gaze. “I don’t hate you, Ari.”

The statement actually had some truth to it. Yes, you had been angry at him for a long time, and there was even a period where you did find yourself hating him just a little bit. But that wasn’t how things were anymore. It was all different now. You were in a better place. Happier. Much happier than what you had been a year ago.

Ultimately, Ari pulled his eyes away from yours. You were unsure if he fully believed what you had said, and you were also unsure if you should allow yourself to care about what he thought anymore.

“How have you been?” He decided to ask instead of pushing further on the previous topic.

Typically, you hated small talk, but at that moment, you felt extremely grateful for the mundanity. Even if it was with someone that you couldn’t remember the last time you spoke simple small talk with because your relationship had once been so far past that.

“I’ve been good,” You told him, keeping your response short and simple. “Really good, actually.”

Once again, Ari was quiet, and you were unsure what that meant. You wanted the conversation to be over because the underlying awkwardness of it all was becoming unbearable. But, there was also a part of you that wanted to keep going because you had no idea when you would talk to Ari again.

You were about to speak, pose another mundane question just to say something, and fill the air of silence. However, before you could, Ari finally responded to your previous words.

“I don’t know,” He ultimately told you. “I don’t know if I can believe that. There’s something about you right now that’s telling me that’s not entirely true.”

You weren’t surprised by the bluntness of Ari’s words; his honesty was a quality that you had been pretty familiar with, but that didn’t mean that his words didn’t still sting. And his words didn’t only make you feel upset, but they made you angry too. You didn’t expect to feel so affected by anything Ari would say anymore, but him acting as if he knew shit about you and your life anymore made you actually want to say “fuck you” to him. He completely lost the privilege to make comments like that when he ended things a year ago.

“How could you possibly say that?” You said, keeping your voice level and trying hard not to let the all too familiar feelings of anger cause you to yell at the man standing next to you. “You don’t know me anymore, Ari. As hard as that may be for you to believe. Things are different, and they’re better than what they used to be. Than what we used to be.”

You didn’t allow Ari any chance to respond to anything you said before you walked away, sincerely hoping that he would not follow you. The minor conversation was over, and you couldn’t help but be mad at yourself that there was a moment where you had wanted it to continue.

You didn’t glance back at him at all as you walked over to where Celia was standing by the goodie bag table, which was unsurprisingly a huge mess due to how quickly the kids had ransacked it a little while earlier.

“Need any help cleaning up?” You asked her; however, you didn’t wait for a response before you began tossing half-empty and half-eaten items that were on the table into the garbage bag that was close by.  

“You’re amazing,” She said, smiling at you. Things were quiet for a few moments as you both threw stuff in the garbage. “Also, he’s an idiot.”

You looked up at her. “You heard the conversation?”

“No, but I saw the ending,” She told you, and a part of you honestly felt glad that she hadn’t heard. “And when you walked over here, I’ve never seen you look that pissed before. So, whatever he said, he’s an idiot for saying it.”

You couldn’t help but smile at Celia’s words and feel so grateful for the friendship you had with her. And you weren’t even surprised that she was immediately on your side, even though she wasn’t entirely sure what had just happened with you and Ari.

Celia knew the ins and outs of your and Ari’s relationship, especially the aftermath of it. You had initially felt hesitant about it, but she was the first person you called when things ended between you and him. From the moment Ari introduced you both, the two of you just clicked, bonding over the most random things. Therefore, it had felt almost second nature to call her, and of course, she was there for you and helped you through it all.

You finally glanced over at Ari and saw him giving a small wave to Willow, who was waving wildly at him from inside the bouncy house. “Did you know he was coming today?”

“Honestly, no,” Celia answered with a small shake of her head. “Of course, I sent him an invite because I can’t not send him one. But I didn’t even know he was back in the states until today.”

You simply nodded at her words before continuing to toss things into the trash. Stealing another glance at Ari, a small part of you couldn’t help but feel upset that the first conversation you had in over a year ended badly. However, you were quick to push that feeling away because you refused to allow yourself to care when it wasn’t your fault that it had taken that turn.

If you were being completely honest, you couldn’t wait to go home because then you knew that you wouldn’t have to see him again.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

❝ so step right out, there is no amount of crying i can do for you. all this time we always walked a very thin line. ❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It wasn’t long before the final guests at the party left, and the only people remaining were you, Ari, Celia, her husband Theo, and Willow, who was currently fast asleep in Ari’s arms.

”Can you put her in bed?” Celia asked him as she took a sip from her wine glass. Since the party was over, she didn’t waste a second opening up a bottle because of how stressful the day had been. You didn’t blame her, and in fact, if you didn’t have to drive home yourself, you would’ve joined her and also had a glass.

“Yeah, no problem,” Ari answered and began heading to the back door. He walked slowly so that he wouldn’t wake Willow, but that didn’t seem to work because her head quickly popped up, and her eyes opened, almost as if she had never been fully asleep in the first place.

“I want Y/N to come too. She tells the best bedtime stories,” She said with a wide smile on her sleepy face.

You hesitated for a brief moment. The backyard was cleaned up, aside from the few tables and chairs that were still scattered about, and you were ready to say your own goodbyes to Celia and Theo and then head home. However, seeing that hopeful and happy glint in Willow’s eyes, you knew that you couldn’t say no to her, even if that meant being around Ari again.

“Yes, I’ll come too,” You responded and smiled at her.

Nothing was said between you and Ari as you walked inside the house. Instead, it was Willow doing most of the talking, successfully curbing all of the awkwardness as she rambled on about how awesome her party was and yawning between every few sentences.

You didn’t really want to speak to Ari again. You were completely willing and okay with leaving the previous conversation on that sour note, and you felt somewhat at peace with doing that.

So, you knew that once Willow was in her pajamas, tucked in bed, and you told her a story that would put her to sleep, you’d be able to leave without saying anything more to Ari.

“What story do you want to hear?” You asked as you knelt down next to Willow’s twin-sized bed; Ari was on the other side.

“Can it be something new?” The young girl responded. “Ooh, and it can be about cowboys and princesses?”

You laughed a bit because with what the theme of her birthday party had been, you should’ve easily seen that coming. “Okay… Oh, I have the perfect idea.”

You didn’t really have any concrete ideas for the story, but you began telling one anyway, pulling out whatever was coming to your mind, adding it in, and making sure that it all made sense.

Ari watched intently and had a small smile on his face as he listened to you tell the story to Willow. Your voice was both animated and soft, and he saw how intrigued, and happy Willow was as you spoke. That moment made him miss you more than he already did.

As you continued on with the story, you noticed how Willow’s eyes became heavier. You kept going but made your words softer and softer until you trailed off and stopped completely once she was sleeping.

“Good thing she fell asleep there because I had no idea how that story was going to end,” You said, realizing a little too late that your joking words had been directed at Ari.

“So, that means I’ll never get to know the ending?” Ari asked, and you couldn’t help but laugh a bit at his statement. However, you stopped yourself mid-laugh because it suddenly felt wrong to joke around with him, so it sounded more like you made a weird coughing sound.

Things became quiet as you both simply observed Willow’s even breaths and how peaceful she looked, and you were pondering exactly how you should finally make your exit and head home. But, before you could even get close to saying the word “goodbye,” Ari broke the silence.

“Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. It was a really shitty comment to make.”

“It’s fine,” You told him. It didn’t really feel fine, but it felt better to say that rather than how you were really feeling, which was a mix of emotions that you couldn’t fully decipher anymore.

“Do you hate me for everything?” He asked, and before you could even think about answering his question, you both noticed Willow slightly stir in her bed.

You were quick to turn off her lamp and flick on the small bunny night light she had on her nightstand, and Ari followed suit as you quietly walked out of the room. He fully expected you to say goodbye to him and leave, but you didn’t. Instead, you walked into the bathroom that was across the hall, gesturing for him to follow you inside, which he did, and you closed the door behind you both.

You didn’t realize how small the bathroom was until the door was closed, and there was barely any room for you to take a few steps back so that you weren’t insanely close to Ari. Although this closeness made you feel slightly uncomfortable, you couldn’t allow yourself to leave just yet.

Ultimately, you didn’t answer Ari’s previous question, and instead, you asked one of your own. “Why do you keep thinking that I hate you? Do you want me to?”

“I don’t know,” He told you with a slight shrug. “At least then I would know you feel something toward me.”

“I will always feel something for you,” You said softly, deliberately avoiding his gaze and instead focusing on the shower curtain behind him. “I kinda hate that, but it’s true. And it won’t always be something bad. Right now, it isn’t something bad.”

Your honest words fell from your lips before you could fully think about them, and for a brief moment, you felt as if you had said too much. However, Ari spoke before you could further grow to regret your words.

“I’ll always feel something for you too,” He responded, voice matching the same softness as yours.

Maybe this was the vulnerable and honest conversation that you both finally needed to have with one another after a year of not speaking and leaving things on an upsetting note. Of course, this felt weird and foreign, and a part of you wanted to flee the bathroom, but it also felt relieving to let out at least a small fraction of the things that you had been harboring for a while.

“I can’t believe it took us over a year to get some type of closure with one another.”

“It’s not that surprising; we’re both stubborn as hell. And I’m also an idiot for not trying to reach out sooner,” Ari responded, and you almost smiled until you heard his next words. “I’ve missed you.”

You were quick to shake your head at him. “You can’t say that.”

“But if it’s the truth?”

“Then you’re just making things so much harder than they should be.”

A part of you missed him too, but you couldn’t allow yourself to say that. Nothing was different than what it had been a year ago. You were still you, and he was still him. The two of you already knew that things couldn’t work, so there was no point in falling back into anything, even if it felt almost too comfortable and easy to do so.

“How?” He asked, and you almost found yourself laughing at the one-worded question because of how obvious the answer should have been to him.

“Because we can’t do this anymore. Absolutely nothing has changed. You still go to different countries for months on end, and I’m still right here. At first, it was okay waiting for you to come back, but eventually, it got lonely, and I wanted more,” Your eyes were on his as you spoke, and let your final words come out quietly. “And you couldn’t give me more.”

“I’m not going back.”

You didn’t expect to be so affected by anything Ari would say anymore, but those four words hit you hard. They had been exactly what you had wanted to hear for forever. And finally hearing them inadvertently made your heartbeat speed up while simultaneously dropping into your stomach.

“What? Why?” You finally managed to ask after a short stint of unbearable silence.

“It’s time,” He stated as if it was the simplest thing in the world. “I’ve been wanting to for a few months now, and after a long mission in Morocco, I decided that would be the last one. I just got back a week ago.”

Considering how big of a bombshell his initial words had been, the follow-up “explanation” wasn’t enough for you. And then there was the fact that he was doing this now. Now, instead of a year ago when you had practically begged him to.

It got quiet again because you couldn’t find any words to say. Right then, the urge to leave the bathroom was stronger than ever, but your feet felt completely glued to the white tiled floor.

“I’m sorry,” Ari said, filling the silence.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because I know what you’re thinking.”

There were a million things circling your mind right then, so if he was able to sum all of it up in one succinct statement, you would’ve been very surprised.

“I know I should’ve done this a year ago, and I really wish I did. And I’m so, so fucking sorry that I didn’t.”

Maybe you still were an easy book to read because his words were an almost too perfect summation of what you had wanted to hear. It felt almost unfair to you that it took him over a year to finally say all of these things. They were the words that you had expected, hoped, he would say to you a day after ending things and breaking your heart, not a year after.

For some instances, the phrase “better late than never” worked perfectly, but not for this. It felt as if all of these confessions from Ari were coming way, way too late.

You had gotten to a place where you no longer felt sad or angry about how things ended between you and him. Instead, you were fully, or at least mostly, at peace with it all. And you really did not want to fall back into something that would only end with you once again hurting for months on end.

“Give me a reason, or just tell me why you’re finally doing this now, instead of then,” You said, and both you and Ari knew what the underlying question to your words were. “Why wasn’t I enough a year ago?”

“I was a selfish dumbass, and I didn’t realize how much I needed you until I didn’t have you anymore. But, I didn’t call you or say anything because I thought if I was stupid enough to let you go, then maybe I didn’t deserve to have you back,” Ari explained, and it was painful how truthful you could tell each and every one of those words were. “There wasn’t one moment that I didn’t think about you this entire year, though.”

It was a solid mix of sad and angry tears that hit you so abruptly and threatened to spill from your eyes. Sad because it hurt hearing Ari’s words, and angry because you wished you had heard them so much earlier.

“You should’ve called,” You muttered, hastily brushing away a stray tear that had rolled down your cheek. “All I wanted was for you to say something. Anything.”

“I’m sorry,” He whispered back, and you could hear his sincerity behind the simple two words.  

You felt his hand reach for yours, and when he intertwined your fingers with his, you simultaneously hated and loved how much comfort you felt from having your hand in his again. He gave your hand a small squeeze before closing the minor amount of space between you both and wrapping his arms around you. Instead of tensing at his touch, you leaned into it. Your body was a traitor to how fickle and confused your mind felt at that moment. However, you completely accepted the embrace and reciprocated, burying your face in his chest and taking in his all too familiar smell that you had missed so much.

For the first time that night, the silence felt comfortable, and there was nothing more that needed to be said at that moment because it was all being conveyed nonverbally through the tight hug you two had found yourselves in.

You were unsure how long the two of you stood like that, but when you pulled away after what felt like an hour and also only a minute, you looked up at Ari.

“I should head home,” You said, and he nodded understandingly. He almost reluctantly said his final goodbyes to you; however, you began speaking again. “Do you wanna come?”

Ari couldn’t hold back his smile, and it took a lot within him to not lean in and kiss you right then; which was something that you actually wouldn’t have been completely opposed to.

With how royally he fucked things up a year ago, he was willing to take whatever you would give him and follow your lead with however you wanted to move things. And to him, your words felt like a move in a good direction, which was all he could really ask for and it was all he wanted.

“I would love to.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

❝ second, third, and hundredth chances. balancin' on breaking branches. those eyes add insult to injury. ❞

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

let me know ur thoughts<333

[legendofzoodles]

LU Character Design Analysis 8

In case you haven’t seen the previous posts yet, I’m doing this thing where I’m analysing and subsequently ranking all the designs of the chain in LU. I was going to do it 2 at a time, but I’ve got so much to say that I’m doing it one a time.

All the designs are really good, it was hard to come up with a decent ranking system that I was happy with and even harder to apply it. The numbers I scored them are subjective and any one of them can be debated.

Getting close to the top spot now...

2nd place: Legend

This design phenomenal. That’s it, that’s the intro. Scroll down to read about how great it is.

Pros: One look at this and you could say it’s a mess, and it is to an extent, but unlike Wild it not only looks amazing it all makes sense. This chaotic jumble of unconventional colours looks super unique and it makes him stand out the most amongst the chain. It does look a little silly (although that’s pretty subjective and I’d argue he looks great, hence the aesthetic score of 9) but this is Legend we’re talking about. He doesn’t give a fuck what others think! He’s a veteran who through years of experience is in possession numerous valuable and helpful items. Not only that, but he also knows their strengths and weaknesses like the back of his hand and therefore knows exactly what to wear, what to use and when it’s best to do so.

Basically, don’t question his judgement. He’s the only one who can get away with not wearing trousers, armour and arm guards, because he’s decked out in numerous magic rings, bracelets and necklaces. In a sense he’s better protected than even Time. Why would he bother with bulky armour when he can wear comfortable easy to move in clothes and have his magic jewellery do its thing?

I know his design was mainly inspired by one game sprite, but can I just gush about what a great choice that was?! The dark green undershirt (underdress? Undertunic?) reflects his jaded and cynical personality. The fact that it has a hint of green in it implies that he was once naive and full of hope but with each adventure (one being much more traumatic than the others) a bit of that childish wonder was taken from him. This links him to Time, who also wears a very similar looking dark undershirt, except his is black.

So where Legend has a bit of innocence left and can maybe get back the part of himself that he’s locked away, Time on the other hand by now is too far gone.

The red tunic has gold accents on it, which seem frivolous and unnecessarily intricate at first, but the fact that they are so detailed ties in well with all the small pieces of gold jewellery he’s wearing. The sleeves of the tunic are very similar to Hyrule’s which is a cute nod to the fact that Hyrule is Legend’s successor. The deep maroon colour reflects his fiery and prickly temperament, but it’s a warm tone shows that at his core he’s a really nice person and is so outspoken because he cares. It also looks nice against the dark undershirt and contrasts the light blue hat nicely. Speaking of...

Yes! Finally! Ladies and Gentlemen, I am excited to present to you our first and only hat wearer of the chain! And it looks so good on him! It has a dark green strip, the same colour as the dark undershirt tying it nicely into the whole outfit and making sure it does feel out of place. I’m not sure why only Legend wears his hat- like sure he’s the veteran, he’s been doing this hero thing longer then any of them, but still.

The hat is iconic, other than the green tunic it helps distinguish Link from every other fantasy protagonist. Just imagine how much stranger the chain would look to others and how much they’d stand out if they all wore a variation of the hat.

His hair is another cool thing I like, it’s longer and straighter than most of the others, and is styled with a pretty edgy side part. I can easily see Legend running a bejewelled hand through the hair to push it out of his face. The pink streak is such a fun detail and a subtle nod to his Link to the Past sprite as well as being a not so subtle hint to the bunny incident. Also, the pink strip is echoed by the pink his gold bracelet. The hair looks a little bit spiky, again reflecting his prickly character.

His facial expressions do this too! The narrowed, slightly downwards slanted eyes give off the vibe of a worldy wise traveller who’s tired as hell but still goes along with the flow of adventure. I haven’t talked much about their facial expressions, but Legend makes some of the best faces in the comic hands down.

Another thing I haven’t talked about much is builds, and Legend’s slightly thinner frame compared to the other older members makes sense since he relies more on his items rather than natural abilities. Which arguably isn’t really a good thing because if he were ever stripped of those items then he’d be at a severe disadvantage.

The belt looks great, it’s simple and I like the gold add-ons it has (it’s probably another magic item). To be honest it looks like the most securely fastened belt out of the entire chain. Which is good because Legend’s tunic(s) are not only the longest of the chain but they’re flared too, so he needs that support or it’ll get in the way during combat.

He’s wearing the pegasus boots I think. I like the style, they look sturdy but the white wings and patterns make me believe they could easily propel you into the air.

Cons: I don’t really have anything bad to say about it.

If I was being really nitpicky I’d say that it would be best if he wore trousers, or leggings. That’s speaking purely practically and even then there’s not much reason to complain because again, this is Legend, he is not to be questioned. Aesthetically the bare legs work because of the long tunic and if the trousers were dark too his legs would be harder to spot. He is called Legend after all.

Maybe it would be better if he had arm guards and gloves too? Not for protection, but just to make holding his sword more comfortable. But that’s not a big deal.

Wishlist: My only wish would be more. I want more of this!

Legend is the sort of character to always switch up what he’s wearing to give himself the best advantage for different situations, so I’d love to see him constantly changing his outfit. Perhaps with different items, or changing the colour of his hat or sometimes wearing different earrings for a more subtle change.

As long as his silhouette is relatively unchanged, Jojo could go nuts coming up with more wacky outfits for him. Even if you’re depressed you can still be well dressed amirite?  

Score:

Aesthetic and visual score (/10): 9 Character representation score (/5): 5 Practicality score (/5): 4 Total (/20): 18

It’s simple yet it’s not simple. Kinda like Legend, who seems like one-note at first, but he’s actually got a lot going on underneath all the snark. And I’m here for that.

~~~

Thanks for reading! You know by now who’s number one, so for the last post of this list I’ll explain my top choice and briefly summarize my overall thoughts.

What modifications would you make to their designs? And do you agree with me or not? I’d love to know :)

Masterlist

9th place in the character design ranking

8th place

7th place

6th place

5th place

4th place

3rd place

1st place

Character analysis posts:

Hero of the Sky, Hero of Time, Hero of Twilight, Hero of the Wild, Hero of Warriors

[heliads]

Congratulations on 5k followers, you deserve it❤️!!! Can I request a Derek Hale fic with the prompt “I’ll wait for you. However long it takes.” Please? Thank you!!

thank YOU, anon!

masterlist

There’s a knock on your window, and just like that, you know something is wrong. 

You won’t know the full extent of it yet. The smoke has not yet begun to waft over to your house, staining white fences a bleak gray as it passes by. The flames aren’t visible from your corner of Beacon Hills, although you’ll have plenty of time to study them in grainy surveillance footage displayed on the news in the days and weeks to come. 

The hunters, if there are any that know of a connection between one Derek Hale and one Y/N L/N, haven’t yet showed up at your house, haven’t yet been caught peeking over the tops of newspapers that go unread and watching the door for visitors that could err on the side of the supernatural. 

Perhaps you haven’t seen them yet, or perhaps they’re already here, already waiting. As of right now, you don’t have the energy to search for any unwelcome guests hiding amongst the masses of shadow on your street. You’re too caught up with the welcome face you see before you, the one raising a grimy fist to knock upon the glass one more time. 

You throw open the sash without another thought. Derek Hale has been a lot of things to you over the years: friend, confident, someone you wish you could stop crushing on in opportune moments, but he’s never been someone you could ever leave behind. 

It’s still dark out, the moon having dipped behind some trees as if unwilling to bear witness to what’s just happened to the Hale family. Thus, you don’t notice the fact that Derek is covered in grime and soot until he’s stumbling onto your bedroom floor. 

In between his fall to the ground and your delight at seeing him, the last moment of your happiness came and went. You didn’t know then, of course, what the Hale fire would mean for you and Derek or even that it had happened in the first place. All you knew was that he was there, seeking you out on a night when he could have looked for company in many other forms, and to you, that was everything. 

When you looked more closely, you saw the irregularities of his movements, the shadows on his face that even flicking on your light switch can’t clear away. He’s oddly still, oddly silent, although he flinched at your gasp of horror. 

It’s not like you could have had any other reaction. Derek is in terrible shape, one hand already reaching to clutch at a stitch in his side. It’ll go away within seconds, you know enough about his supernatural healing powers to have guessed at that. 

What a day that was, learning that your best friend wasn’t quite as human as he cared to let everyone else think. It had taken quite a good deal of courage for Derek to admit the truth, but even in his most desperate overthinking, he hadn’t expected that you loved him too much to ever let him go over something as unnecessary as claws and fangs.

No, you’re not leaving Derek. It was certainly a shock, especially when the first full moon came after that revelation and you realized just what it means to be a werewolf, but you’re here now, just as you’ll always be here for him. Derek will be hurt, and you’ll watch him heal. Safety always comes at some point.

For now, though, he looks frightful. You stare at him in shock for a few moments before you manage to gasp out some questions at him.

“What happened? It’s the middle of the night, Derek, and you look like– like–”

You can’t quite find the right words to describe how he looks, and Derek manages a wry chuckle at your faltering grasp of the situation.

“I look terrible? Yeah, I guessed. At least I’m alive.”

Your brows raise. “Is there an option in which you wouldn’t be alive? Derek, what’s going on?”

He sighs, the air rattling out of his lungs like a dying man’s last gasp. For all you know, it could be. You’ve never seen Derek so bad, even on the times when he had to run to your house for safety from the hunters, even when he was a few seconds short of turning and had to have you talk him out of it.

“Yeah,” he says quietly, “there was a chance I might not have made it. I don’t know how much of my family is still alive. We were all in the house, and it was late. Next thing I knew, there were flames shooting up through the ceiling. All the doors were locked and barred. I don’t know how many of us got out, I just ran. My sister Laura might be alive, maybe even Uncle Peter. No one else, though.”

Your hand rises to your mouth as if to block out a cry. You’ve been friends with Derek for years, which means that you’ve had the opportunity to grow quite close to the rest of the Hales. Although Peter Hale might not be your favorite of the bunch, you can only hope that he made it out. At least that’s one more family member that Derek might have left.

The rest, though. Other than Laura, the rest are gone. Derek’s mother and father were good people, and you’ll miss him. Cora, too, she helped you with your homework when both you and Derek were struggling through some particularly difficult problems. They had been a good family, a strong family, and now they’ve been wiped out.

After a few moments, you gather the courage to ask more. You’re afraid that Derek might not want to say a word more on the matter due to the horror of losing almost all of his family and pack, but he seems so sickened by what happened that keeping it inside him may kill him just as quickly.

“How did it happen, the fire? And the doors being locked, something’s not right about that.”

Derek chuckles bitterly. “Of course something isn’t right about it. They tried to kill us, they wanted to make sure they did a good job about it.”

You suck in a breath. “You think it was the hunters?”

Derek lifts a shoulder. “I don’t know who else it possibly could be. The hunters are the only ones in Beacon Hills who had it out for my family. We were good people.”

He says it fiercely, as if daring you to object. You believe this just as fervently as him, though, and when you stay silent, Derek continues on.

“It seemed like hunters on every front. I swear I could hear them laughing as I ran away. There aren’t any rival packs in sight, my mom’s been keeping tabs on any that might pose a threat and there was nothing. No, it was hunters, no doubt about it.”

There’s a particular sort of betrayal in his eyes that makes you guess as to why he’s so upset, beyond the obvious.

“It was the Argents, wasn’t it?”

Derek nods, confirming your suspicions. “I was talking to Kate Argent just the other day,” he says somberly, “probably gave her all the information she needed to plan something like this. Even told her that we would all be home tonight. I know it was her.”

You reach out a hand to rub his shoulder comfortingly. “Well, at least all your enemies are in the open, right? It’s worse when you’re second guessing everything. Look, you can stay here as long as you like. I’ll make sure they think you’re gone.”

Derek risks a hopeful glance at you. “You’d really do that? Let me stay?”

You nod quickly. “Of course I would. You’re my–” you hesitate slightly, hating the way you can’t quite say the words with all the platonic fervor that the situation requires, “–you’re my friend, and that means I’m not leaving you. Not a chance.”

Just as quickly as Derek’s spirits had risen, they sink again. “I might have to leave you, though. That was the plan my family always had if something like this were to happen. We have a safehouse a few hours’ drive away. I would go and not come back for weeks, maybe even months. Maybe even forever.”

You swear you can feel your stomach drop. “You’re going for good, then?”

Derek nods, unable to look you in the eyes. “I think so.”

A sudden truth is occurring to you. “That’s why you stopped by tonight, isn’t it? Not just for safety. You’re saying goodbye.”

“I don’t want to do it,” Derek says fiercely, “I don’t want to leave. Not you. I could give a damn about this whole town, but I don’t want to leave you. You’re the only one who’s ever really cared about me, anyway. Not because you were family, not because you had to, but because you wanted to. I’ll never have something like that again.”

You try your best for a comforting smile. “I’m sure you will,” you whisper, “you make it easy to be friends with you, Derek. I’d bet you’ll find plenty of good people wherever you go.”

“They won’t be you, though,” he murmurs, “and that means they aren’t worth anything to me. I’ve had other friends, Y/N. They aren’t worth half as much to me as you are.”

If you look at him now, you swear you can see something in his eyes, something that you’re trying to say as much as he is. There’s a moment of broken faltering, where both you and Derek are trying to gauge the silence and see whether or not it’s worth it for this risk, even though you may never see each other again, and then–

“I love you, Y/N. That’s why it matters that I’m going. I love you, and I could never say it until now.”

A smile is growing on your face despite this brutal ache in your chest over the looming goodbye, over the loss of a family that was so important it was almost your own.

“I love you too, Derek. I always have, and I have a feeling I always will. Go wherever you have to if it means you’re safe. It’ll be alright.”

We’ll be alright, you mean, and you know in an instant that Derek understands.

Still, he wants this abrupt departure as little as you do. “But I can’t go now, we’ve just realized how we feel. It would be even worse if I go now.”

“No,” you correct, “it would be worse if I made you stay and you died because of it. I want you safe, Derek, and I want that more than anything. Go where you must. I’ll wait for you. However long it takes.”

Derek takes your hand somberly. “I can’t ask you to do that.”

“I never needed your permission to love you,” you say simply, “I’ll be doing it regardless.”

Derek finds it within him to smile at that. “I think I’ll miss your temper more than anything.”

“And I’ll miss your sarcasm just as often,” you return.

The two of you stick out a moment or two in quiet smiles, but the reality of the situation crashes down upon your feeblest hopes. Derek looks out the still open window, likely hearing footsteps too far away for you to detect. It’s time for him to go again, to flee this town while he still can, but that doesn’t mean that either of you have to like it.

“Go,” you urge, “you know you have to. It’s okay, I promise. I’ll be here when you come back.”

Derek starts towards the window again, but only makes it halfway across your room before he’s overcome with a certain desperation and rushes back towards you. The kiss is unexpected but wholly welcome, even if it lasts for a far shorter time than you’d like.

Then he’s gone, slipping back out into the night sky. You can detect charcoal in the air at night; whether that’s the wind carrying the smoke of the Hale House to you at last or just the ash still sparking on Derek’s lips, you’ll never know for sure. For now, you are standing alone, and the wait to see your love again has just begun.

teen wolf tag list: @thatfangirl42, @rogueanschel, @lovesanimals0000, @rafecameronswhore, @bellabadacadabra, @watchreadfangirlrepeat, @23victoria

[just-a-jellyfish]

A “Thanks To Them” Lumity theory

Ok so before I get into my theory I just want to say that I have seen the two clips that have been posted to YouTube but I haven’t seen the full first 6 minutes of the episode although from what I’ve heard there is a timeskip at the end of it and even by then Luz and Hunter haven’t shared the full extent of what they’ve seen in Belos’ mind yet.

Now that’s out of the way I have some thoughts regarding what I think may happen with Lumity in this special. So in the second clip Gus says that Belos used to be a human meaning the gang might know that Phillip and Belos are the same person although I’m not sure on the likelihood of this as it could just be an easier way for him to explain what happened instead of saying he was a witch who turned into a monster. Anyway even if they do know this, the thing is that they don’t know that Luz “helped” him in the 1600s, the thing that she’s feeling a lot of guilt about.

This leads me to believe that by this point the gang (minus Hunter of course) don’t know too much about Phillip as of yet. A fact I think that Phillip himself might have figured out and may use against Luz in their fight later on in the episode (as well as the Hunter grimwalker thing) in order to split everyone apart. I don’t think this will work and everyone’ll still be able to work together to stop him but what happens after might not be so good.

If it really has been months and Luz hasn’t told the others, especially Amity, anything, there could be a problem. I think Amity might not have a great reaction to this not because Luz accidentally helped Phillip- that wasn’t her fault at all- but because she didn’t tell her about it.

I get why Luz might not say anything, she’s worried that she might be blamed for what Belos did even though we know that no one would really hold it against her. The idea that you helped someone hurt the people you care about and you didn’t even know what it was you were doing at the time must be terrifying and she must be so worried about her friends thinking that she’s like Belos because she helped him find the Collector. Feeling so anxious constantly can mess up your thoughts quite a bit.

Still, a big thing that Amity has stressed is that Luz can tell her anything, something which has been an issue already a couple of times. Firstly, when Luz didn’t tell her about what her mom said in Yesterday’s Lie at the beginning of FatCDP, only confessing later on after the fight with Kikimora. Amity said that she can only help if Luz tells her what’s going on and she agrees to be more open with her girlfriend.

Secondly was during Reaching Out when Luz only tells Amity about her dad after trying to hide it and distract herself all day, only talking about it once she realises she can’t do that. Again, Amity is really understanding and they both end up picking flowers and it was a really wholesome way to end the episode. (Seriously though Reaching Out is so good, one day I might make a post about why I love it so much but back to the topic here.)

Both times you can understand why Luz kept things a secret; the first time because she was worried about Camilla not letting her stay in the BI, the second time because she didn’t even want to think about her feelings. And again I think that Luz doesn’t even really want to think about how she feels about this whole thing because at that point it might be too much for her to deal with on her own, especially with her found family in another world. And what does Luz do when she feels bad about something that happened and can’t fix it?

She tries to distract herself.

Having issues with her mom? Help Kikimora with her work life balance. Sad about her dad’s anniversary? Help Amity with her own problems with Alador. There is a pattern of this especially in s2B so in this case I could imagine Luz putting all her efforts into building a portal, again trying to help her friends, so she doesn’t have to think about her own feelings. (I just want to say here that it’s great that Luz wants to help people, selflessness is a good character trait, the problem is that she helps people to the point where she neglects her own mental health.)

At this point I think Amity’ll catch onto it, even if she’s not sure of what to do about it. Again, what she said about how she can only help if she knows what the problem is. Still, I think that she wouldn’t be happy about the fact that she’s been kind of shut out again, even if Luz has good reasons, because she also wants to be there for her girlfriend. Luz has helped her to vent with her problems with her dad and to break out of her house when Odalia grounds imprisons her and I think Amity wants to reciprocate it but can’t if Luz doesn’t open up to her.

I think they’ll get through it though, I can’t see them breaking up, especially over something like this but I think they’ll both learn from it. Luz finally learning she can open up to Amity and that she isn’t a bad person for being manipulated by Belos and Amity learning why Luz may have not told her everything to begin with, hopefully making their relationship even stronger than it already is (if that’s possible).

Anyway ik it’s been a pretty long post and a bit rambly at points but it was fun to get another theory out after like 4 and a half months. I love lumity so it was fun to finally talk about them. Again ik this could age like milk but I still enjoyed making another TOH (sort of) prediction!

[you-are-my-joy]

The Return of an Empress | 07

Title: The Return of an Empress

Pairing: OT7 x Reader

Genre: Isekai, Angst, Romance, Fluff, Smut (Later on), Slow burn

Characters: Empress!Reader, Advisor!Jin, Advisor!Yoongi, General!Hoseok, Advisor!Namjoon, Assassin!Jimin, Knight!Taehyung, Knight!Jungkook

Word count: ~9k

Summary: After one fateful night, you find yourself transmigrated into your favorite novel as the Empress that shares the same name as you. As a bookworm, most would think you’d be happy, but how could you be happy when the Empress you’ve become is expected to be killed in three months. The only thing on your mind now is to learn how to survive.

Warning: May contain depictions of violence and mentions of abuse throughout the story.

Masterlist 

<< previous chapter  | ♡ |  next chapter >>

In the 380th imperial year, on June 9th, two days after the nobles were caught red-handed and thus apprehended, was the day of the largest massacre of high nobility in the history of the empire. 

At 8 am in the morning, a total of 18 of some of the most well-known and influential nobles of the empire were executed by the city plaza.

With tired steps, you trudge inside your bedroom, immediately falling onto the comfort of your bed. You let out an exasperated sigh, tossing your head back until it rests on a nearby pillow. Despite getting rid of the duke and the rest of the nobles, you can’t help but still feel a sense of unease and tension. Would the original empress make the same decision? You don’t know the answer, but what you do know, is that you’ll most likely be haunted by the cries and screams of those who lost their lives today for the rest of your life.

It’s one thing to actually read of the graphic murders and deaths that occurred in the novel, it’s a whole different story when you actually experience and see first hand how gruesome the public executions truly were. Back in your world, you’ve never witnessed anyone’s death before, as it was the 21st century, public executions were prohibited decades ago. But suddenly you had to endure an entire morning witnessing the horrifying deaths of 18 people as their heads detached from their body, a large pool of blood staining the once clean pavement. 

You weren’t keen on torturing people, so you were merciful in the sense that you chose to execute them through a beheading, with a fresh and sharpened axe to be exact. In this world, beheadings, although gruesome and bloody, were seen as the most ‘humane’ form of execution as the deed would be done in one swift motion, a painless execution to some extent. 

You remember hearing many of the nobles and commoners who attended the public executions express their disappointment at your choice, thinking you were being much too kind considering the heinous crime they committed. Despite their disappointment, they were slightly relieved over your choice, many were still skeptical over the empress’s supposed changed behavior, but seeing you wince and grimace at each beheading finally convinced them otherwise. 

News spread like wildfire around the empire about what had occurred at the party, news articles being published nearly a day later. The most popular topic of course being the Grand Duke himself drugging the empress, and so countless of nobles all around the empire scurried to watch the spectacle. Thus, the grand finale of the execution came when former Grand Duke, Lee Joong-Gu finally stepped forward. 

Many people had looked at him in disgust, throwing rotten fruits and vegetables his way and cursed out his name. The entire time, he wore a solemn expression as he kneels down without complaint unlike the rest of the criminals who wailed pathetically until their last breath. 

You remember that in the midst of it all, he had looked up at you, your eyes instantly locking with one another, and you swear from where you stood, you saw a hint of remorse and guilt in his face. Your mind reeling as he tearfully mouths ‘I’m sorry’ to you, but before you could even react any further, the axe gets raised in the air and in the next second is swung down with much force. His head rolling down the pavement as the cheers of the crowd rang out excitedly at the gruesome sight. 

However, the cheers seem to fade from your ears as all you can focus on is the dukes rolling head. And somehow it stops, facing in your direction, empty eyes that were once so full of life, ingraining themselves in your memory forever. You blink away the tears forming in your eyes, confused as to why your body was reacting like this. You flinch as you stare at his body slumped over, but your view gets blocked when Jungkook steps in front of you.

The entire morning, Jungkook and Taehyung have been right beside you, acting as your escorts as you had requested. Always attempting to block your view when they noticed your grim and disgusted expressions at each beheading. Jin and Namjoon were also present, but they stood a few meters away from you, ensuring that the executions ran as quickly and smoothly as possible. Hoseok was present as well, but as the general, he was in charge of security and surveying the city plaza, prioritizing your safety over everything else.

The only ones who hadn’t shown up were Yoongi and Jimin. Yoongi, you had expected, though you had a glimmer of hope that he would make an appearance, but Jimin? You thought he would come to greet you after the party, but you haven’t seen him since he left you by the ballroom doors. You were extremely worried, thinking something bad had happened to him, but Namjoon reassured you that he was fine as he had ran into him the other day. He further informs you that Jimin wasn’t feeling good, which explains his sudden absence. Though you remained unconvinced, you choose to give Jimin his needed space, thinking it would be better for him to come to you when he was ready.

When the executions were over you stood up from your seat, ready to leave the area in a hurry as the overwhelming stench of blood nearly made you puke on the spot. But suddenly you heard loud cheers as everyone directed their attention to you, “All Hail Empress Y/n!” many of them yelled out, grinning at you as they praised your actions. 

You hadn’t expected to be well received so quickly, since less than a week ago, some of these same people trembled in fear over your presence. You send them a charming smile to express your gratitude, but this only seemed to ignite something in them as they seemingly cheered your name even more.

Despite the cheering, all you wanted to do was go back to the palace and rest. So here you are, groaning as you lay flat on the spacious bed. You feel the bed dip slightly to your left, prompting you to open your eyes to see Jungkook looking down at you with a small smile. “How are you feeling?” he reaches his hand out to gently brush a strand of hair in front of your face. 

“Absolutely exhausted,” you let out a groan, closing your eyes once more. And you weren’t only talking about the past few days. It seemed that you were never truly able to catch a break the moment you arrived in this world. You can’t even imagine the amount of work the past empress had to endure. 

Taehyung, having found comfort in your couch situated in the middle of your grand bedroom, hums at that, “Mentally or physically exhausted?”

You scoff before letting out a yawn, “Both.” 

Jungkook nods as he moves his hand away from your face to lazily trace shapes on the palm of your hand, “I'm sorry to hear that your majesty,” he replies, sending you a pitiful look, as he notices traces of stress and exhaustion written on your face.

Still with your eyes closed, you rest for a moment, “It’s fine. This is my duty as the empress.”

Jungkook nods, “I understand, but before you’re an empress, you’re a human. You need to rest, your majesty,” he says, concern laced in his voice as he continues tracing odd shapes on your palm. 

Though after a while, you’ve come to the realization that rather than shapes, he was actually tracing your name on your skin.

You open your eyes to stare at Jungkook who was too distracted writing your name to pay attention to your gaze. You just stare when a sudden thought crosses your mind, “Hey Jungkook, can you try calling me by my name?”

Jungkook seems to freeze in his spot, his hand stopping right above yours as he stares at you with wide eyes, “Pardon?” this seems to gain Taehyung's attention as well when you see him from the corner of your eye snap his head instantly in your direction.

You shrug, sitting straight up now facing him. Both your faces nearly inches apart that Jungkook instantly blushes and shifts a bit further away from you to calm his racing heart, though you take that gesture as discomfort instead, “What’s wrong? You don’t want to?”

Jungkook stutters as he waves his arms in front of his face in an ‘X’ shape motion, “N-No, It’s not that I don't want to… but why are you suddenly asking that of me?” Both Jungkook and Taehyung stare at you in a mixture of confusion and interest since they haven’t addressed the empress by her name in nearly 3 years. Not after she had scolded the both of them until they complied to her wishes. 

“I figured we might as well go back to our old ways you know?” you suggest, but after taking in their shocked reactions you quickly add, “Of course if you’re uncomfortable with my request then I don’t want to force you to do anything. But I do give you permission to call me by my name when it’s just us.”

Jungkook turns his head to Taehyung as they look at each other wearily, as if doubting your words and thinking this was all just one big test. He hesitantly turns back to you, “Is that truly alright?” he asks while fidgeting nervously with his hand. 

“Of course it is,” you smile reassuringly, your eyes staring at him in anticipation, “will you?” You ask, you try to hide your excitement in order to not pressure him, but who were you kidding, it’s practically written on your face.

Jungkook’s lips curve upward slightly as he couldn’t deny your request, especially when your golden eyes shined brightly at him, “Yes…. Y/n…” though he had said it in a shy whisper, you still heard him loud and clear. You didn’t think hearing your name come out of his mouth would affect you so much but you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling widely. It’s times like these that you’re extremely grateful for sharing the same name as the old empress. 

“Woah that’s not fair,” you turn your head to find Taehyung with his arms crossed, playfully glaring at you both, “why does he get special treatment and I don't?” 

You chuckle as Taehyung's pout reminds you of a child who got their toy taken away and wants it back. Your amusement grows even more as you sit back and watch Jungkook be equally as childish when he sticks his tongue out at the older knight. And Taehyung, the ever mature knight, mimics his actions in return. 

You grin at the older knight, wanting nothing more than to ruffle his hair, “this applies to you as well Taehyung.” 

Taehyung finally turns to you after seemingly having a contest with Jungkook on who can contort their face in a mocking way better, “thank you… Y/n,” he replies softly with a gentle smile now on his face. 

They’ll admit, addressing you by your name sounded strange coming out their mouth, but they couldn’t deny the nostalgic and warm feeling in their chest when they finally did. And your smile definitely brightened their day even more.

“Y/n.” you hear Jungkook call out softly, though he flinches when he gains your attention. 

You furrow your eyes in confusion at his odd reaction, “Yes?”

You notice his cheeks glow with a tint of red, “Sorry, it’s nothing. I just wanted to say your name in front of you,” the ending of his sentence becoming a soft whisper as he was embarrassed to have been caught by you. But he should’ve known better than to believe your ears wouldn’t catch him. 

You have to mentally slap yourself to stay calm and composed as to not squeal in delight to embarrass him further. So to spare him, you fight back a giggle as you beam back at him, “you’re more than welcome to call me by my name anytime you want Jungkook.” Gaining a wide smile from him in return.

“Y/n?” Taehyung suddenly calls out, causing you to face him now. Though he chuckles at your raised brow, “I’m not just calling out your name, I genuinely have a question.” You chuckle right back, nodding your head, gesturing to him to ask his question. “Are you still feeling sick?” You understand he wasn’t referring to earlier, rather he was talking about your symptoms from withdrawal. 

Thankfully after properly taking medication daily or as suggested by the royal physician, you’ve been experiencing a lot less symptoms as the days go by. Joy reminding and ensuring that you actually took them definitely helped with the process. 

You nod sending him a soft smile, “no, I’ve been feeling a lot better nowadays. Though, I’ll admit I kind of want to throw up. But I’m pretty sure the main perpetrator to that is the blood.” Despite having left the plaza awhile ago, you seemingly couldn’t get rid of the stench of blood in your nose. Even just the thought of it makes you involuntarily gag. 

Jungkook softly chuckles, “from being in countless battles, you’d think you’d get used to the sight of blood,” he jokes with a teasing glint in his eyes as he grew bold enough to hold your hand after tracing on it for so long.

You stare down at your joined hands, his large ones nearly covering yours completely. You feel him squeeze your hand lightly prompting you to look up at his mischievous grin as he caught you staring. You playfully roll your eyes, “it’s been awhile, alright, I forgot,” you grumble.

Though Taehyung hums at that as leans his head back on the soft cushions of the couch, “you seem to be using that excuse quite often,” he mutters, not looking you in the eye, but instead choosing to stare out your window.

At his statement, you gulp nervously. You immediately take note from the corner of your eyes the prying look of Jungkook as his hold on your hand seems to tighten. 

But before you could come up with yet another excuse, you hear a knock at your door. Someone was definitely looking out for you as you had no idea how to respond without you being even more suspicious than before. 

You sit up straight, briefly glancing at your knights who refuse to look you in the eye before calling out, “come in.” You quickly let go of Jungkook’s hand causing the boy to snap his head in your direction before his shoulders seemingly drop. Though he doesn’t say anything more as the doors to your bedroom open wide.

Soon enough, the double doors reveal Hoseok, Namjoon and Jin. They bow out of respect before briefly making eye contact with Jungkook and Taehyung, to which they send a curt nod, acknowledging each other’s presence.  

For some reason, you felt a shift in the air as the three men stepped into the room. As if they were... hostile? But that doesn’t make sense, you question. Shouldn't they be on good terms with each other? You thought, but you were so wrong when you could feel the tension around you. Something unspoken between the five males. 

You understand that you haven’t known these men for long, but even you could tell that there was a sudden shift in their relationship. You saw it in the ballroom and now your suspicions are confirmed when you observe their body language in front of you.

After many moments of silence, Namjoon finally turns his attention to you, “more of those journalists keep requesting for your time your majesty,” he reports, only now do you notice his tired eyes. He must’ve been dealing with those journalists since he got back, and from what you know, they’re almost as ruthless as those in high society. 

But before you could respond, you hear Taehyung let out an annoyed groan from where he sat, “They bombarded her all throughout the morning, can’t they give her a break?” he scowls when turning his head out the window as he caught a glimpse of those pesky reporters from the border of the palace walls. Their cameras steadily aimed at the palace, hoping to capture a lucky shot of the empress. 

“It’s alright, I can handle them,” you reply, having already mentally and physically prepared yourself for this since you knew this would be a hot topic in the empire. A topic that the reporters wouldn’t let go of until they were satisfied. But just as you were about to stand from the comfort of your bed, you feel a hand gently rest on your shoulder, prompting you to turn and find Jungkook staring at you in concern. 

“Y/n, you need to rest,” Jungkook says softly, “you truly did look sick early, maybe it's from withdrawals or maybe it's from the blood, who knows, but I think it’s best you rest for the day.” You knew it would be hard to go against Jungkook, especially when he had that determined look in his eyes. Though that wasn’t what everyone else was thinking as his statement piqued their interest. 

“Y/n?” Jin questions loudly. He had thought he was hearing things, but by the looks on Namjoons and Hoseok's faces, he indeed did hear correctly. Jungkook had addressed you by your name. 

The boy blushes, not having realized he had blurted out your name in front of them. But before he could explain himself, Taehyung beat him to it.

“Y/n gave us permission to call her by her name,” he boasts with his head held high as if he was bragging about some great achievement he got. Which in a way, it kind of was. 

Hoseok raises his brow as he turns to look at you now, “may I know why?”

You clear your throat, “well, when I got rid of the alcohol and drugs in my system, I wanted to make things right and go back to how they were before. So I gave them permission to address me by my name like old times,” you reply confidently, having already prepared an answer for this question long ago. 

Though after some time, Hoseok’s blank face shifts, “I see,” he replies with a smile, but you knew better than to trust that, you knew hidden in that expression was a man that still had doubts despite witnessing the downfall of the nobles before his own eyes. You had thought Namjoon would be the one you needed to be careful of, but it seems you were wrong in that sense as you become anxious at Hoseok’s judging stare. 

Jin clears his throat, an attempt to get rid of the growing tension in the room, “we also came to discuss plans regarding the property of the nobles as well as what's to come with their families and who would be the ones to take their positions,” he pauses before nodding his head in Hoseok’s direction, “we brought along Hoseok in case military services were needed.”

You nod, though you couldn’t help but wonder, “Where’s Yoongi?” 

Jin stills for a moment before tilting his head, visibly confused from your question, “why are you suddenly asking for him?”

Now it’s your turn to be confused as you furrow your eyebrows, “Because he’s also one of my advisors,” you answer as if it was obvious. 

As if sensing your confusion, Namjoon responds, “pardon our rudeness, your majesty. You just don’t normally call on him for these types of things.”

Now you’re even more confused than before, “I don’t?”

Namjoon nods his head in confirmation, “I believe it’s because he’s not from nobility, that it may hinder and influence his judgment on these types of cases,” he explains in the nicest way possible. 

Dumbfounded, you remain seated on your bed, “I see,” is all you could utter. You knew that out of the 8 of you, the only ones who came from nobility were Namjoon, Jin, and Hoseok. Their families were one of the few nobles who secretly opposed the former emperor, which made it easy for the main character to gain their support in the rebellion. There’s no doubt that Hoseok’s military family, Namjoon’s intelligence, and Jin’s abundant wealth, had an immense influence on the success of the rebellion. 

Of course that’s not to say that the others are any less important. Jungkook and Taehyung were among the best of the best in terms of strength and fighting, not to mention Jimin being an ace when it came to agility and swiftness. They had the skills to go against opponents 10 times their size, and yet somehow win. The three were known to be the best fighters in the empire, after the empress herself of course. Afterall, they learned everything they knew from her. 

Yoongi on the other hand, proved himself to be worthy to stand by the empress’s side as an advisor due to the fact that when it came to forming tactics, he always had the perfect plan to go along with every scenario. Much of the rebellion's success was derived from the various attack plans that Yoongi came up with.

He also knows how to handle her the best out of them all. He knows how to approach her when she gets mad or upset. And he is one of the few people who isn’t afraid to go against her if he needs to, only with her and the empire’s best intentions in his mind. 

But when it came to politics, Yoongi had a harder time due to the fact that he was just a village boy who didn’t receive the same amount of education as Namjoon or Jin. Granted neither did Y/n, having been born from the same village, but she was so determined to become the empress that she worked strenuously day in and day out in order to fit the role. Having Namjoon as her teacher definitely helped the process run smoothly. 

Sure Yoongi isn’t as book smart as Namjoon, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t smart at all. You know that despite things being said about him, his words and inputs at national council meetings have proven to be of great help to the empress and the empire in the past. 

And so without another word, you stand up from your bed with a newfound determination. 

Jungkook and Taehyung eye you in concern. “Y/n?” Jungkook asks, reaching out to hold your hand, causing you to stop in your tracks. 

“I’m going to go and personally find Yoongi. Regardless of our differences, he’s still my advisor, and his presence is just as important as every single one of you.” You feel Jungkook loosen his grip on you, allowing you to slip away from his grasp. 

“Shall we escort you there?” Jungkook asks tentatively, while Taehyung had already stood up, prepared to follow you on your command. 

But instead, you shake your head, “Considering what transpired last time, I don’t think it’d be wise to bring either one of you two along,” Jungkook rubs the back of his neck while Taehyung turns away as they’re both suddenly reminded of the way they had behaved towards Yoongi. Although they were opposed to the idea of you going alone, they couldn’t argue with your statement, since even they don’t know how they would react if they were in each other's presence again. 

“I’ll accompany her majesty,” Hoseok suddenly speaks up with a raised hand, resulting in everyone turning their heads in his direction, “I think it should only be fair after all,” he pouts, lowering his hand to cross both his arms across his chest. 

Namjoon raises a brow at his claim, “Fair?”

Hoseok nods as he accusingly points at every man in the room other than himself, “Every single one of you have spent more time with her than me, that's why I think it’s only fair if I escort her,” he declares with a puff of his chest. 

Taehyung scoffs at him, “Can you blame us? We’re her escorts, of course we’re going to spend more time with her,” he fights back a roll of his eyes due to Hoseok being of a higher rank than him. 

“Exactly, so I hope you don’t mind me stealing your ‘Y/n’ for the time being,” and before you could even utter a word, Hoseok strides towards you, reaching for your arm and practically begins dragging you out the room, “see you boys later!” 

Jin shakes his head disapprovingly as he watches Hoseok roughly pull you, “would you be more careful with her majesty!” 

Hoseok scoffs, “She’s not weak,” he responds as he turns around abruptly, your chest nearly colliding with his if it weren’t for his arms steadying you. 

“I agree, but she’s also not a ragdoll that you could just push around as you please,” Jin snaps back at him, eyes narrowing at the grip on your arm.

Namjoon nods his head at this, “Indeed. Be more gentle Hoseok,” he warns sternly as he shifts his body towards the both of you intimidatingly. 

And you don’t even need to turn around to know Jungkook and Taehyung were both shooting daggers at the general. 

Hoseok sighs and finally lets go of you with his arms raised above his head in defeat, “alright alright I get it. I’ll keep my hands to myself.” Though the men in the room only stare at him with unconvinced expressions as he smiles innocently right back.

You stifle a laugh at their reactions and begin to turn to leave, “we’ll be leaving then,” at this you turn to stare at each one of them, “while I’m gone. Behave.”

Taehyung scoffs, crossing his arms as he plops back down on your couch, “We’re not children Y/n.” But his pout tells you otherwise.

The corners of your lips quirk upward in amusement, “could’ve fooled me.”

He turns to you with an offended expression, mouth wide open and before he could give you a piece of his mind, you scurry out the door with Hoseok tailing right behind you. 

“Y/n!” You hear Taehyung’s voice yells out as he appears by the doorway in a matter of seconds. 

You turn around and almost laugh at his dumbfounded expression. Though, you nearly trip over your own two feet if it weren’t for Hoseok skillfully reaching out and steadying you. You quickly thank him before looking back towards your door to now find the rest of the men staring back at you. 

“We’ll set up a proper meeting tomorrow! See you boys then!” You call out before you’re reaching for Hoseok’s hand. He widens his eyes for a moment staring down at your joined hands before he feels you pull on him in the direction you were running to. 

You could still hear their protests coming from your bedroom as both you and Hoseok run away. But Hoseok can’t help but be more focused on your angelic laughter over everything else. 

“So what did the general want to talk to me about so badly that he wanted us to be alone?” you say finally after creating a fair enough distance from your bedroom.

From the corner of your eye, you see him smirk, “What makes her majesty think I had ulterior motives?” he asks innocently, his pace matching with yours as you both walk down the quiet halls.

You shake your head with a smile, “because you’re Hoseok,” you reply with a teasing glint in your eye. 

Hoseok lets out an offended noise as he dramatically brings his hand to his chest, “That hurts your majesty,” he pouts, “couldn’t I have just wanted to spend some time with you?”

You laugh at this, “Sure, but you and I both know that that’s not the case,” your mouth forming a smile, an attempt to show him you meant no harm. 

Hoseok finally lets the innocent facade fall as a smirk begins to form on his face, “Our empress sure has a sharp mind,” you hum in reply, prompting him to continue speaking,  “you’re right, I did want to talk to you.”

Though after some time walking in silence, he speaks up again, “But I had nothing in particular to talk to you about, I just wanted to see for myself whether you had truly changed or not,” he responds bluntly. 

“Your verdict?” you question with your arms behind your back, a carefree aura surrounding you. 

“Hard to tell for now,” he teases with a wink in your direction, “however, something tells me it won’t be long before I give you my answer your majesty.”

“Well let’s hope it’s an answer we both will like,” a wide optimistic grin now on your face.

Hoseok stares down at you, giving you a small smile in return, “Yes, let’s hope.” 

You two don’t speak for a while, though you can’t say it was awkward. There was a comfortable air between the two of you that you actually didn’t mind walking together in silence. You took this moment to look around the scenery, admiring the window view as you don’t really have much time to do that since Taehyung, Jungkook and even Jimin would often preoccupy your attention, not that you were complaining about their company, you rather enjoyed talking to them. But you can’t help but be grateful for this moment to yourself. So for the time being, you just look out the window, little did you know, Hoseok was staring right at you. 

Hoseok couldn’t help but admire the way the sunlight glows on your skin as if you were an ethereal being. Even the slight quirk of your lips mesmerizes him as he watches you bask in the sunlight. A picture perfect moment that he desperately tries to ingrain in his mind. 

“You know, you’re more than welcome to address me by my name as well Hoseok,” you suddenly speak out, turning your head causing the male to widen his eyes momentarily at your abrupt attention. 

But Hoseok’s eyes soften, giving you a small smile before turning his head straight in front of him yet again, “I’ll keep that in mind... thank you.” 

Neither of you speak again after that, just enjoying each other's company in silence. And after everything that you’ve been through, you didn’t realize that this was exactly what you needed. 

“Hey Yoongs”

The man hums, his eyes closed as he lays comfortably against the grass right beside Y/n.

“You’ll be with me forever right?” the young girl speaks up after some time.

At this, Yoongi opens his eyes as he stares at the far away look in her eyes, “Of course Y/n, where else would I go?” he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, “why do you ask?”

She shrugs looking straight up at the passing clouds, “just making sure,” the wind softly breezing against her hair.

Yoongi nervously laughs as he turns away from her, “Sorry, but it’s gonna take a lot more for you to get rid of me,” Y/n chuckles at this causing the corners of his lips to curve upward at the sound. “Unless I got it all wrong. You’re not trying to run away from me once you become empress are you?” he questions with a teasing tone. Though he had a smile on his face, he couldn’t deny the feeling of anxiety at the possibility of her leaving him.

She scoffs before turning away, “Of course not, what would I do without you nagging me all the time, you’re practically my brother at this point.”

Yoongi feels a pang go across his heart as he faces away from her, “... right… you just see me as a brother huh,” he mumbles, more so to himself but she could still slightly hear him.

She tilts her head in his direction, “hm?”

Though he just shakes his head, “Nevermind,” now sporting a more cheerful expression as he nudges her shoulder playfully, “so suddenly I’m your brother huh?”

She nods her head, turning away from him, focusing her attention back to the sky, “Of course you are, what else would you be?” she genuinely asks.

Yoongi stills for a moment before responding with a long sigh, “Nothing,” he pauses, watching the clouds pass by both him and her as they lay on the grass in peace, “absolutely nothing.”

“Her majesty told me about it and left the job to me,” Jin responds in a tired voice as he lets out a sigh. If he had known accepting the empress’s orders would lead to this, he would’ve never done so in the first place. Because not only does he need to deal with a pile of work, but also a very pissed off Yoongi. 

“Why would she give you all the work and not me?” Yoongi asks, tone slightly offended and irritated. 

“I don’t know Yoongi, why don’t you just ask her yourself,” Jin replies tiredly as he massages his temple at his growing headache. It’s not that he wanted to get rid of Yoongi, but because he himself couldn’t provide him an answer to his question. He too couldn't understand why Y/n would give him all the work instead of him, frankly he wishes she would divide up the work evenly but alas, that doesn’t seem to be the case as every inch of his desk is nearly covered in piles of documents. 

Yoongi lets out a huff of air before standing abruptly. Jin stares at him and widens his eyes when he notices that he’s about to leave. Nervously he stands from his seat as well, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going to ask her myself,” Yoongi replies as if it was the most obvious answer, his hand reaching for the door handle.

Jin gasps, “I wasn’t being serious!” he moves around his desk to grab hold of the advisor.

But Yoongi shakes his head, stepping back from his reach, “I know you weren’t, but you’re right. If I want change to happen, I need to go to her myself,” he watches concern wash over the older male before placing a hand on his shoulder, “don’t worry, I won’t lose my cool,” he says in an attempt to reassure him.

Though both Yoongi and Jin knew he was lying. He was just telling him what he wanted to hear. Jin wanted to stop him, but in the end, he lets it go since he knows that once Yoongi’s got his mind set on something, it was nearly impossible to get him out of it, ”fine, but I don’t want to hear about you getting sent to the dungeons again Yoongi.”

Though Yoongi only chuckles, “I won’t get angry, don’t stress about.”

And boy was he wrong, because it hasn’t even been 10 minutes that he walked into her office until hell broke loose. 

“Just let them handle it Yoongi, why are you so upset, I’ve given you plenty of work before,” she barks angrily.

“I’m upset, because you never give me the same amount of work as them!” He snaps back at her, tone equally as harsh. 

She nearly growls at his attitude, “Would you relax Yoongi, it’s just pieces of paper! If I had known you’d get so fucking irritated over it I would’ve sent the entire pile to you if that’s what you really wanted!”

That’s not what he wanted. He wanted her attention, her trust, he wanted to be the first person she sought out when she needed help.

He wanted her. 

“Y/n-” he gets interrupted when Y/n grabs a pile of documents and throws it in the air in front of him. He watches as the pieces of paper float down everywhere in the room, making it look as if a tornado wrecked havoc in the area. 

“Here! Just do it all for all I care, they’re just damn pieces of papers anyway,” Y/n growls tiredly. Yoongi could not have come at the worst time. Not only did she have to deal with a raging headache, but now her own advisor was yelling in her face far too early in the morning for it to be tolerable. 

She could feel her head ringing at the volume of his voice, but when she told him to leave as she wasn’t in the best mood to argue, he kept refusing stubbornly, insisting she listen to his complaints because apparently what he needed to say was so important to go against her orders. And so when she realized his important reasoning was because he was upset over his workload, her anger only rose from there. 

With her already sour mood, him snapping back at her surely didn’t help his case either.

“I have way too much shit to deal with right now, don’t add onto it Yoongi,” she spats loudly, the piles of paper covering nearly the entirety of the floor around them. 

His shoulder drops, finally coming to terms with everything as he stared into the once cheerful eyes narrow dangerously into tiny slits.

The girl before him, was never and will never be his. 

For the past few days, Yoongi had been actively avoiding not only you, but everyone else. No matter how hard they tried, neither Namjoon or Jin could reach out to him. It was almost as if Yoongi somehow knew just when and where everyone would be to successfully avoid them. 

In the beginning of the empresses reign, no one took him seriously because he wasn’t from noble descent like Namjoon and Jin. when they would attend national council meetings, no one spoke directly to him as if his previous status of a commoner was still intact. And so he had to put on this whole ruthless persona for people to show an ounce of respect for him. He had to exert more effort to prove to everyone that he was equally as worthy as the other two advisors. That he was capable of doing the same amount of work, even if he didn't receive the same strenuous education as them.

And because of the comparison between him and the other two advisors, insecurities were born and shattered his mind. 

So seeing you put your trust in Jin and Namjoon hurt him a lot more than he would like to admit. The fact that they both knew and yet you hadn’t brought it up with him once was like a shot to his heart. 

And yet throughout his time spent alone, Taehyung's voice echoes in his mind.

“When was the last time you ever treated her as one of her advisors? When have you ever truly cared for her majesty?”

He groans out of frustration at the entire situation. Because as much as he hated to admit it, he was right. When was the last time he treated her with respect. Even though the rest of the boys joined the rebellion with him, never once did they blatantly disrespect the empress the way he did. 

And with the current situation, he doesn’t even think he deserves his position of advisor anymore. Never in his life did he imagine that someone was drugging the empress. All this time, he’s been bitterly blaming the empress about the current condition of the empire when in reality, it wasn’t even her fault. He pushed her away when she needed him the most. When she was suffering he unknowingly made things worse. And because of that, he doesn’t even know if he has the courage to face the empress ever again. 

Yoongi freezes when he hears a tentative knock at his door. Slowly, he raises his head from his hands before responding in a loud tired voice, “who is it?” ready to curse out the person on the other side of the door.

“It’s me hyung.” 

Yoongi widens his eyes at the familiar voice that he can’t help but rise from his seat. He carefully walks over and finally opens the door to reveal Jimin’s figure standing before him. For a moment, the two men stand opposite of each other in silence. 

“I need to talk to you,” Jimin finally says. Yoongi nods and steps aside for him to enter, still in complete disbelief that he wanted to speak to him after everything that’s been said between the two in the past month.

As if reading his mind, Jimin turns to him with an uncertain smile, “You’re probably wondering why I'm here,” Yoongi only nods, unable to produce words at this point. Jimin stops at the center of his office before continuing, “I know we’re going through a rough patch right now, but at the end of the day, you’re still someone that I deeply care about. You’re my brother and I’m just worried about how you’re taking the situation,” he explains with a nervous expression. 

Yoongi’s eyes soften, of course they weren’t on good terms at the moment, but Jimin was right, at the end of the day, they’re brothers. He could never truly hate or get mad at him, or any of them for that matter unless they truly betrayed him. 

Jimin wasn’t certain this would be a good idea, unsure how the older male would react to his presence. And so when he hears Yoongi let out a chuckle, although not so enthusiastically, that alone causes Jimin to visibly relax.

Just then, Yoongi lets out a long sigh, “I’ll be honest, I feel like shit. But I know she’s probably going through it way harder than I am,” he finally replies as he rolls his neck.

Jimin nods, “I’m sure she is,” he mutters looking away.

Though Yoongi raises a brow, Jimim’s tone almost hinting at the fact that he doesn’t know about your feelings which was surprising to Yoongi since he knows how close he is to you. At that realization he furrowed his brows, “you haven’t spoken to her, have you?”

Jimin seems to stiffen at his claim, he contemplated lying but knew the older male would see right through him anyway, and so he just shakes his head, “no I haven’t.”

“Why not?”

Jimin lets out a low chuckle, “I wasn’t able to keep a promise with her,” he answers softly, running his fingers through his hair.

Now Yoongi was even more confused than before, he wanted to ask more questions but felt like now wouldn’t be the right time based on the downcasted look on the younger man's face. And so he only nods in return. Though Jimin’s lips quirk up, grateful that he doesn’t push the topic further.

Jimin leans against the back of his couch, crossing his arms, “I saw you that day,” he added, wanting to change the subject. “The day at the ball,” he clarifies when he saw the puzzled look on Yoongi’s face. 

“You attended the ball?”

Jimin shakes his head, “no I was watching from above, her majesty wanted me to be her ‘eyes in the sky’, or something like that,” he pauses before chuckling, “she’s been saying some strange things recently.”

Rather than laughing along with him, Yoongi can’t help but feel annoyed, “Of course you fucking knew about it, too,” he mutters furiously under his breath.

Jimin widens his eyes at his sudden harsh tone, “Pardon?” 

Yoongi scoffs, now stomping his way to his desk, “The empress told you of her plans,” Yoongi uttered with resentment, “everyone but me.” 

And as if the world wanted to continue mocking him, here you appear through the open door, with Hoseok right beside you. You freeze in your spot, when you realize Jimin, who was now staring at you like a deer in headlights, was also present in the room. Despite his surprise, he bows out of respect. Though you can’t say the same about Yoongi.

“What are you doing here,” Yoongi curses at himself, he didn’t mean to take his anger out on you. You just happened to arrive at a bad time. 

Though his cold icy tone doesn’t deter you in the slightest, “I came to inform you that we’ll be holding a meeting tomorrow,” you explain hesitantly, careful not to say the wrong thing to aggravate him even more.

He raises a brow in doubt, “you came here to personally tell me?”

You nod, “the rest of the men wanted to have a meeting regarding the situation, but I didn’t want to attend if you weren’t present.”

Yoongi scoffs, “I'm not some charity case.” Although, Yoongi can’t deny the warm feeling in his chest from what you said.

You stop, taken aback from his words, “Is that what you think you are?” you pause before continuing, “Why do you think you became one of the empress’s advisors?”

Yoongi rolls his eyes at this, “Because you think of me as a brother,” he spats bitterly. 

“No, it’s because you’re one of the few people I trust most in this world, I know we had a bumpy road getting here, but you have to believe me when I say that I trust you,” you insist as you take a step closer into the room.

Though your statement seemed to have ignited a fire in him as he snaps his head to you with narrowed eyes, “If you trust me so much then why didn’t you let me know about this entire situation?!” You jump back at his tone, surprised by how angry he got.

Hoseok steps forward in an instant, “Hyung I had no idea about the drugs either,” he blurts out, trying to dissipate the tension in the room as he moves to stand in between you and Yoongi. 

Jimin nods in confirmation, shifting his body to stand protectively in front of you as well, “he’s right hyung, Hoseok also had no idea what was going on.”

“That may be true, but she still sought your help, no? She needed military strength, she needed someone to hide in the shadows and she went to you two,” he snaps at them. Hoseok shuts his mouth, unable to form words to counter his claim. 

Though it’s not like Yoongi was going to let anyone else speak, not until he was finished, “Where do I come into play? Jin hyung and Namjoon helped with the plan, Jimin looked out for you from above, Hoseok provided the military strength, Jungkook and Taehyung came as your escorts. But what about me?” At this point, Yoongi paces around the room frantically, you try to reach out to him but he jumps back as if your touch would burn him. 

“Why am I always in last place!” He yells at the top of his lungs, “Is it because I wasn’t born into high nobility like Jin hyung? Is it cause I’m not some fucking genius like Namjoon? Or as handsome as Jungkook and Taehyung. Or as confident as Jimin. Or as reliable as Hoseok?” He continues his rant when everyone is too stunned to react.

“Yoon-”

“Why am I never good enough for you!” He shouts, slamming his fist hard on his desk. The room becomes silenced in an instant. The only sounds coming from the broken advisor standing before you. 

“Am I not enough?” He sniffles, his voice cracking as he stumbles, grabbing hold of the corner of the table to stabilize himself. He bows his head low, an attempt to hide the tears forming in his eyes.

You turn to look at Jimin and Hoseok, giving them a solemn look as you nod your head in the direction of the door, wanting to speak to him privately. 

They seem to understand your gesture as they begin to silently make their way out of the room. Although Jimin hesitates for a moment standing by the doorway. He takes one last look at Yoongi and back to you, his expression unreadable before finally closing the door behind him. 

At the click of the door, you turn your head back to Yoongi, your eyes focused solely on him. Carefully, you take slow steps towards him, you don't know if he notices but if he did he didn’t take any further steps away from you. “Yoongi, you are more than enough for me, you have to believe me,” you urge as you stop a few feet away from him. Careful to not overwhelm and crowd around his space. 

His silence urges you to continue, “I just felt like you didn’t want anything to do with me so I gave you your space,” you explain softly, “But you’re still one of my advisors, I should’ve communicated with you better on the situation. I'm sorry.” 

You take a few experimental steps towards him, assessing his reaction carefully because if you saw any indication that he was uncomfortable by the distance, you would step away immediately. But he gave you none. Even when you were now standing in front of him, he didn’t make an effort to move away. Instead, he finally lifts his head, holding your stare as his tears now running down his face. 

You don’t know what got over you, but at the sight of his tears, you find yourself reaching your hand out until they cup his face gingerly. His breath hitches when your hand caresses his cheek, your fingers wiping away the seemingly never-ending tears.

“Yoongi, you’re more than enough for me,” you repeat softly as you stare into his eyes. Almost mesmerized as his glossy eyes shined back at you making it look as though you were staring at the night sky.

You lean your body forward until your arms wrap around his shoulders, bringing him into a tight hug, “I’ll always need you,” you say in a soft whisper. But no matter how quiet you were, he heard you loud and clear.

He sucks in a breath as a sob escapes his mouth. He doesn’t try to fight you, instead, he wraps his arms around your waist instantly, tightening his grip around your body.

But instead of calming down, his sobs grow louder at the feel of your body against his.

Concerned, you try to pull away but Yoongi only tightens his grip around you as he shakes his head. 

“Don’t,” he whimpers softly, clutching onto you tighter as if you would slip away forever, “please don’t leave me. Not yet,” he cries out. Your heart nearly shattering at the sound of his voice cracking. 

Your eyes soften as you once again relax in his arm, your hands rubbing his back reassuringly as he continues to cry, his tears falling onto the nape of your neck. “I won’t,” you soothe gently, “I won’t leave you Yoongi.”

He sniffles once more, “You’re really back?”

You don’t have it in you to respond with a straight answer. You just couldn’t bring yourself to lie to him like that, especially in his current state. Lying to his face knowing that the empress he knew was no longer the owner of this body. That you were a completely different person, but who in their right mind would believe you. 

So instead, you nod softly, reaching a hand to run through his hair. His tears stream down his face as he chokes back a cry at the feel of your nod. 

You smile bitterly, as you have to keep reminding yourself, the girl he loves isn’t you, it’s the empress. He’s not crying for you, he’s crying for her. 

You had seen this coming, but it still hurt a lot more than you had expected. The world for some reason just wouldn’t stop being cruel to you. 

A young man approaches the darkly lit room slowly, the only source of light being the fireplace that’s barely holding onto life as it seems as though it’s about to die out at any moment.

“Master, I’ve come with urgent news,” the boy announced, news so important he fidgets in his spot nervously as he anticipates his reaction. It’s silent in the room, the only sound coming from the crackling of the fire as the wood burns. 

There, sat in front of a large window was the boy’s master, he had not turned around to face him, instead, opting to stare up at the moon as it shines brightly down on him, “Speak,” he commands in a dominating voice.

The boy nods his head, “We received a report confirming the death of Grand Duke Lee Joong-gu as well as Sir Taehyung, Sir Jungkook, and Sir Jimin stepping down from the rebellion.”

The man hums, immensely intrigued by the sudden news, “and the others?”

The boy shakes his head, “there have been no reports being made of the others stepping down as of this moment master, though many speculate it’s just a matter of time at this point.”

The man bellows loudly at that, as he leans back comfortably in his chair, his eyes shining with mirth, “I told that damn duke not to get too greedy and look what happened. He got caught,” he scoffs as he turns fully around, hands crossed on his desk as he traces the letter he had received from the late grand duke a mere few weeks ago in a bored manner, “Seems what that fool said was of concern after all, her majesty has truly changed.”

The boy nods, “What do you suggest we do now?”

He turns back around, admiring the night sky, “tell my men to continue keeping an eye on her majesty. And report everything to me.”

The boy bows, “yes master,” he responds before turning away, ready to inform those of the new orders. 

“Well I’ll be damned,” the man whistles as he leans back on his chair, “so you truly did succeed in changing the story,” he chuckles and with a dangerous glint he stares up at the moon, “I can’t wait to meet you, new empress.”

A/N: Hey guys!! I’m so sorry for taking so long to upload this chapter, I had to focus on my final exams and all the assignments my professors piled on me at the end of the semester. So I tried to finish this chapter as fast as I could!

I hope you’re all happy with how things went in this chapter. Also sorry for all the drama, I just felt like it would be better for the reader and Yoongi to make up instead of making more chapters of them avoiding each other when they could just communicate about their feelings. 

Thank you everyone for supporting and reading my story! I also love receiving all your kind messages so thank you so much for that!

And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day!!

Tagslist: (those in bold, I’m not sure if it worked for you, I’m really sorry, I’m not sure how to fix it) (I also apologize if I forgot to add someone, just comment again and I promise to add you in the next one!!)

@reallysparklychaos, @unknownsageking, @casspirit0705, @fangirl125reader, @silscintilla, @serefara29, @chimtaesty-main, @xxqueenwxtchxx, @diamonddia-mond, @vishakhas-world, @purelyecstacy, @resticou, @woopetals, @magicsweetener, @splaterparty0-0, @daydreambrliever, @strangeobjectmaker, @luna-xial, @m0chilattae, @celaenaelentiyavox, @lindsayjoy444, @layzfeelit, @kimsaerom, @songtiddies, @untamedgrape, @sonnymii, @moonssuga​, @kassandravictoria, @galaxyflab, @blank-et-noir, @nynhope , @midnight1199, @yessii-i, @protontippens, @gguktings, @borahebangtan, @katkrusade, @handsupanddropthepotato, @missseoulite, @cellula-staminale, @red-bow-tie3, @whateveritis616, @ggukkieland, @sbroces, @nnessworls, @yoonieebear

[thatadhdfeeling]

The differences between HYPERFOCUSING and HYPERFIXATING

Tl;dr: Hyperfocusing is intense, uncontrollable concentration that can be productive and/or harmful. Hyperfixating is an obsession that can take up a lot of time, effort, and money, but is suddenly dropped. Both of these are common experiences with ADHD and other disorders, and hyperfixation can be mildly felt by neurotypical people, but to a lesser extent and far less frequently.

Hyperfocusing

is the state in which your attention is solely focused on the current task. This could be as simple as filing a nail, or as complex as reorganizing a room. It could be a minute, or several hours. And I don't mean this task is your main focus, I mean it's your ONLY focus.

Nothing else in the world exists to you. People struggle to interrupt and grab your attention. Time isn't a construct you understand anymore. Your nervous system stops sending alerts to your brain about physical symptoms. Hunger and a full bladder don't exist. Being in pain from not moving or muscle aches from heavy lifting aren't a recognizable thing.

It can be dangerous. When your body doesn't recognize hunger and you forget humans need to eat, you can cause digestion issues, low blood pressure, low brain oxygen levels, heartburn, etc. When your body doesn't tell you to stop and go pee, you can cause UTI or bladder infections and fevers. It is not a choice, it's not just working through lunch, and it's not just being super interested in something (although 99% of the time hyperfocusing is related to a task you find interesting).

Once you come out of the hyperfocusing state or are successfully interrupted, executive dysfunction tends to sink in and returning to that task is almost impossible. And everything hurts! It hurts to pee. It hurts to not eat. No time to prepare food, only to eat the food. You can feel very faint and confused due to lack of brain oxygen levels and lost perception of time. It's honestly not a fun experience to come out of. But you can get a lot of detailed work done while hyperfocusing! Hopefully something useful, but as it's not a choice of what on or when it happens, it isn't always productive.

Hyperfixating

is being obsessed with something. Could be anything. Learning a new skill, picking up a new (or old) hobby, an object, a person, a TV show.... Anything. But it's not just liking this thing a lot. It's an obsession.

Spending hours doing or researching or practicing or reblogging about it, even during inappropriate times. Sneaking it or something you can use to look it up with into work or school. Risking a lot to immerse yourself with it. Constantly thinking about it. Dreaming about it. And possibly hyperfocusing on it.

Everyone can enjoy a hobby or be a fan, but this isn't just enjoying it, it's obsession. It's the craving for that dopamine hit as though it were a drug. You find yourself spending so much money on it, and you're convinced it will last for a long time. You have this overwhelming desire to share it with the world. You'll tell your friends and family about it. Show them. Try to get them involved. Have your entire world surrounded by this hyperfixation by inserting it into every part of your life.

And then it's gone.

There's no warning, no getting bored period, no slowly becoming disinterested. You wake up one day and you don't care any more. It's over. It might come back in a few months or years, but more often than not it doesn't. And this can be a very low period. You feel incredibly dissatisfied and bored, but nothing fills that void. Nothing compares to the feeling of the thing you hyperfixated on, including the thing itself. It's like finishing a book or show and not knowing what to do with yourself after. When people ask you how it's going with that project or interest, it feels like a walk of shame to admit you haven't touched it for a very long time and no longer want to. That you spent so much effort and time and money on it and told yourself and everyone else that you weren't going to get bored of it. But you did.

And then the next hyperfixation comes along...

Hyperfocusing and hyperfixations are two common symptoms neurodivergent people experience. Mostly found in those with ADHD, but can be seen in other disorders as well (I believe autism is one of them. I am not autistic, I can't speak for members of the autism community on this). Both hyperfocusing and hyperfixating have their pros and cons, and neither can be controlled or started/stopped at will. The subject matter is also not a choice. Many neurotypical people experience times of intense focusing or obsessions with interests, but not quite to the same extent as often. Neurotypical people can mildly hyperfixate, but it tends to be for a longer time and usually includes a more gradual decline of interest. Some people are able to turn careers into it. If you are neurotypical and truly hyperfixate on something, congratulations, you've discovered your passion. But for someone with ADHD, they may struggle with this, as the hyperfixation can stop suddenly after a shorter time so they can't use it to help with career advancement. These are things that take over the lives of neurodivergent individuals. People have lost jobs over it, gone bankrupt over it, caused health problems because of it.... It's not just something everyone experiences. Neurotypical people can, but it's rarer and less intense. ADHD isn't a lack of attention, it's the inability to regulate it. So while we struggle to maintain focus, we also struggle to stop focusing at times.

If you know someone who's neurodivergent and tells you about these experiences, just listen. Let them teach you about their interest. Let them passionately talk to you about it. If they are hyperfocusing, follow up with them later. Even if they responded to a question during that period, double check if it's important to make sure they remember. Prepare them food ahead of time. Let them know if it's been hours since they got up and walked or went to the bathroom. Don't shame them for dropping an interest, or tell them their hyperfixation is annoying. Understand that they can't control hyperfocusing. Care for them, because they'll need it.

I don't speak for everyone with ADHD, this is just me trying to explain the differences and how strong they can be. I don't speak for anyone else, neurotypical or neurodivergent. Yes, everyone experiences these symptoms sometimes, but not everyone experiences them to the same extent and less frequently. That's why disorders are classified as they are. Please see my "Why saying everyone has ADHD is harmful" and "Disorder and disability aren't bad words" posts. I also have no sources, just personal experiences and what I have been explained by my therapist (who also has ADHD) and other neurodivergent people. So hey, I could be wrong. I'm always open to education, and wish for the world to understand that neurodivergent people are different, and that's not a bad thing!