#alternate quote: ‘I *did* go to college.’

[collateral-joy]

"Look, doc... don't worry about me. I'm invincible." - Cold Sweat

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

Heylo my maggotsies... I'm sorry to do this but I have a thing that I really, really need to do (thank you Ash for helping me realise that) but I'm terrified to. so well. I'm going to make one of the posts (Neil reblogged me a couple of days ago so I feel pretty safe making one now since he only lurks by once in two weeks so this is as good a time as it gets to make a post and not expect many notes, yes I'm an overthinker and I'm actually scared of this getting notes).

Sigh. Here goes.

...I'm scared of even typing it.

Nope okay I can do this let's go.

If this post gets 1k notes, I'll look up jobs in design and film making that don't need a college degree.

2k notes, I'll sign up for an Alliance Francaise course so I can have another language on my CV, and I'll find a course that teaches me how to use design software.

5k, I'll look up distance learning alternatives, because just talking about physical college yesterday made me spend the whole morning and afternoon today in and out of nightmares screaming. Fuck.

10k, I'll tell my mum that I can't do the offline college. She's been talking to me about it, but I've been dodging because I'm not well-off and I really need to be earning and idk how to do that without college and I feel so guilty.

15k, I'll officially back out from the college (does that count as dropping out, if it hasn't begun? maybe half. i am a college and a half dropout, my 11th grade self would hate me and my 10th grade self would refuse to believe it).

I don't know what I'll do then. I don't know how to live as trans here in India, I don't know how to earn enough to be able to help my family, I don't know what I'm good at and I'm so fucking terrified. But. I spoke to @random-doctor-on-the-internet last night (I love you Ash you're such a fucking amazing human) and they made me realise that well maybe landing in a hospital with steroids to relieve an allergy attack because of exam stress isn't normal and so.

Well. Here I am. I know I can't do it, but I'm scared to risk everything, it's just not something people do here, dropping out. But also (TW s**cide statistics mentioned below the cut)... And so I've just. Got to do it, got to save myself and say no to college (cue say no to school, kids joke). Somehow be brave enough. And yeah.

To quote a financial express article: "In an alarming situation, a total of 7,62,648 suicides were reported in India between 2018 to 2022, Of this student suicides account for 7.6% at 59,239". Maybe if more people did say fuck you to the system here, that wouldn't be the case. That number could have been 59,240 (aside from everyone who wasn't counted and hushed up), that could have been me, and I don't want to put myself in that situation again. You know? Yeah.

[lesbiansandgayssupporttheminers]

So, the DfE have released their non-statutory guidance for schools on "gender questioning children". I know much has been made of the idea of outing trans children to their parents, but I think the guidance actually has far more concerning sections. And by concerning I mean "deeply transphobic and fucked up".

I know some people are happy it's non statutory, but let's be explicit, this document is transphobic, it's dogwhistle politics, and it's existence will directly harm trans people.

Ironically, the DfE's own lawyers have advised that this guidance is likely illegal and contravenes the equality act.

I think the idea that there are lots of students who are fully transitioned in school but not out at all at home is a bit of a strawman from both sides. In my experience (and I've mentioned this on tumblr before), a school would not normally encourage this if a student was genuinely at risk at home if outed, because even if all the teachers knew not to out the students, you can't control the behaviour of other students/parents etc. I think it's a bit of a right wing scare tactic "Schools are transitioning your kids without your consent". It's a fascist dog whistle.

In my experience as a teacher, the vast majority of trans kids I've taught were transitioning socially at home and school. Some did only use their chosen name/pronouns in school, but parents were aware.

But this straw man has been used to build a document which is deeply transphobic and wide reaching and will defacto exclude some trans kids from school, or from school sports, or from attending a school where they feel comfortable.

Trans kids exist. Kids can know they are trans from a young age, and there is no harm to anyone from allowing social transition at a young age. Some kids transition back to their assigned gender at birth. That doesn't mean anyone was harmed. But this guidance explicitly presents the idea of transition as both harmful to the person transitioning and those around them. Which is fucked up.

The new guidance has some really concerning bits in it which will seriously negatively impact all trans students. Here are some quotes below, with my comments in italics. Please note I'm quoting directly from a document that uses transphobic language:

-Primary school aged children should not have different pronouns to their sex-based pronouns used about them. (This is fucked, I cannot stress how fucked this is. These kids exist and simply pretending they don't is awful in the extreme. The idea that children can't socially transition at primary school is really messed up. )

-schools and colleges should only agree to a change of pronouns if they are confident that the benefit to the individual child outweighs the impact on the school community. It is expected that there will be very few occasions in which a school or college will be able to agree to a change of pronouns. On these rare occasions, no teacher or pupil should be compelled to use these preferred pronouns. (How does a child using pronouns of choice impact the school community? It doesn't? In my experience, teens are much more accepting of trans classmates than some adults. Also giving teachers explicit permission to misgender kids is fucking dangerous).

-schools and colleges should exhaust all other options, such as using firstnames, to avoid requiring other individuals having to use preferred pronouns. (My initial response to this was "why the fuck" but a trans friend commented that the purpose is to make trans people's lives as difficult and as miserable as possible, and they're going after the most vulnerable trans people- trans kids)

-If a child does not want to use the toilet designated for their biological sex, and the school or college has considered all the relevant factors outlined above, they may wish to consider whether they can provide or offer the use of an alternative toilet facility. (this is weird because I'm pretty sure it contravenes the equality act, I'm pretty sure there is a legal duty on schools, and certainly colleges where over 18s attend to provide gender neutral toilet facilities if required. Also, not having an appropriate toilet defacto excludes children from school).

-Schools may have different uniform requirements for girls and boys. Some specify which uniform items are for girls and which are for boys, and similarly some schools have hairstyle rules which differ by sex. A child who is gender questioning should, in general, be held to the same uniform standards as other children of their sex at their school and schools may set clear rules to this effect. (So some schools could, for example, force a trans boy or non binary student to wear a skirt. Which is unfair and messed up. To be honest, I think sex segregated uniforms belong in the dark ages anyway, but this is just ridiculous.).

-There is no general duty to allow a child to ‘social transition’. (Firstly, there legally is. Secondly, why would a school not want to? This just gives licence to transphobic heads to say "oh, no, we won't allow you to transition", which is illegal, but the whole thing is just such a fucking mess. And again, why? Why would you not allow a child to transition socially? Unless you want to pretend that trans children don't exist?)

If you want to read the full guidance, it's available here, but trigger warnings etc do apply: https://consult.education.gov.uk/equalities-political-impartiality-anti-bullying-team/gender-questioning-children-proposed-guidance/supporting_documents/Gender%20Questioning%20Children%20%20nonstatutory%20guidance.pdf

Yes, the guidance is non-statutory, so in theory schools could ignore it, but in reality, OFSTED etc can use non-statutory guidance as a stick to beat schools with. At this stage, I think we all know the OFSTED don't give a fuck about anyone's mental health or wellbeing.

Interestingly, even the DfE's own lawyers have admitted the advice could open schools up to a legal challenge. This SchoolsWeek article on the topic is super interesting: https://schoolsweek.co.uk/trans-guidance-dfe-lawyers-said-schools-face-high-risk-of-being-sued/

Anyway, whilst the fact it's non statutory is something, this is not the victory some people are making it out to be, and the fact a document encouraging misgendering children has been published at all is fucked. This document could very much be used to prevent children from transitioning, and will likely prevent some children who have transitioned from attending school.

[readingwiththestars]

₊˚⊹♡ IF ONLY I HAD TOLD HER

["whatever our souls are made of hers and mine are the same"]

| ✮ 3.5 stars |

THOUGHTS ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . [spoilers for ihhbwm + some spoliers for ioihth]

ok so lemme tell you i had the BIGGEST reading slump ever just as i started to read this. so this review may be a little choppy at some points because i've just pointblank forgotten some parts and don't wanna go back and re-read finny's pov just yet.

i was so on the fence about reading this because on one hand i really wanted to read finny's pov and on the other, complete and utter heartbreak.... yeah....... so anyway i read it.

when i tell you that this book had me ugly crying in the middle of the night. like seriously finny's pov?? fucking broke me. are you kidding me? the way he speaks about autumn? ugh when am i gonna find a guy like finny fr? but seriously this book had me on a rollercoaster of emotions just from the heartbreak knowing whats already gonna happen to finny as he describes how happy he is and how he can't believe autumn loves him back, to the smile i had on my face reading about 'the moms' bickering over baby stuff for autumn.

i will say this now i did expect a little more (hence the rating). i wanted idk more closure at the end there. idk rlly know how to describe it better since its 10 o'clock at night and ive had zero sleep for the past four nights in a row. but yeah i wanted something more. (bitch u wanted finny to be alive)

CHARACTERS ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° .

finny -

*sobbing noises* i could go on a damn rant abt this boy. holy shit. he's just perfect. if i see one person ONE PERSON coming after him istg- he was such a caring sweet person like the pencil??? and always going to the sketchy gas station (i nearly called it a servo then lmao) to get the candy autumn likes?? and always making sure people were safe when he drives?? *cough* apparently not you though sylvie *cough* just ahhh laura when i get you. cause like why'd you have to make him get out of the car, hmmm? lets just compromise and you give me an alternate universe where finny misses the puddle or better yet where sylvie kept her damn seatbelt on.

jack -

tbh i wasn't all that excited to read about jack. (also to be fair i was still sobbing from finny's pov so that probably didn't help) like i seriously just thought it'd be some jock trying to process finny's death by hooking up with alexis (who by the way can go jump up her own ass and die) but we got the whole other side of him where he was genuinely affected by finny's death and really was his best friend. but the way he didn't like autumn way just- yeah. also i saw him and sylvie coming from a mile away like seriously it wasn't very subtle.

autumn -

*sobbing noises increase* autumn my baby girl. i just wanted to jump through the pages and give her a hug. seriously i feel robbed that we didn't get to see a happy autumn. angie and her's friend ship was so precious tho. and i love love LOVE that they bonded over being moms/soon-to-be-moms. im also just gonna say the way we didn't see an ounce of jamie or sasha this entire book made me so happy! i also lowkey wanted to see more of when she was an actual mom? like what would she name the baby? i wanted to see domestic autumn a little more. but i still love her so much and it was so lovely to see her heal <3

QUOTES ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . [spoilers]

"my love for her is the closest thing i have to religion. but it's okay that she doesn't feel the same. i'm fine. i can handle it" - finny

"my devotion to autumn is engraved on my very being. i am in awe of her. i will sit in the stands and cheer her on in life as her most ardent admirer. i know i'll always love her in the same way i know i'll always need oxygen" - finny

"it's all done. finn's story is over. his whole life. that was it. not even nineteen years, and he'll never, ever do anything else ever again. finn won't go off to college or celebrate his birthday. he won't get another hair cut or get the oiled changed in his car. he won't bite a hangnail on his thumb or buy another CD. finn smith has done everything he will ever do. he won't get to be with autumn." - jack

“this baby isn't what's left over from our love story. this baby is our story's continuation.” - autumn

"if only i'd told her that i loved her years ago, i wouldn't be here now." - finny

all in all laura you can pay for my therapy mkay?

[unproduciblesmackdown]

revisited some parts of deh i hadn't in a while via obc boots, mostly kicked off by audio of an aus tour show, & it's like now hang on lol reevaluating the whole of heidi's material / that arc like i have been too generous what in the....kind of worked backwards from good for you b/c for that song i've Been like sympathetic re: alana & jared's sections while like Shrug at heidi like i'm on evan's side there really. but the whole thing is like, sympathy for heidi's feelings aside, i'm on evan's side b/c like yeah heidi has feelings & insecurities too but it's not the same peer to peer like fellow unpopular couple of students as parent to child & i'm looking at it all like The Whole Thread is heidi's insecurities as A Mother & the demand is on evan all the time to not just Not cause her insecurity but also assuage ones that have nothing to do with him, e.g. what's he supposed to say about digs at his dad's wife

& like really going over that First Scene i.e. opening scene post evan's soliloquy i.e. anybody have a map it's like. sure only increasingly like Oh Boy when evan not being able to order pizza despite the online option is met with the "you Need to be able to order dinner for yourself" ft. that he should be "too old for this" (disability....grow up) (not a direct quote but rather yknow the "you're a senior in high school, evan" intro) & nothing about like, support or alternatives, certainly nothing about it being Okay that he couldn't. just that he Has to do this thing this way (why. or else what.) & also just the simple fact that evan has been honest about "something wrong with him" / something he did that he figures she wouldn't like & gotten this wholly negative response about that just being Unacceptable to hear, regardless of the "positive" pivot like you can do it re: school, just must not be Trying enough, just must be evan's own attitude or something else about him, the letters had better help....& all this revisiting inspired by beau woodbridge evan's delivery after heidi says the line about Her Not Wanting To Hear (framed about Her Feelings if evan were to Tell her about this) about evan having no friends, & like the delivery of "neither do i??" like a sort of nonplussed indignation that is a kind of "how do you think *i* feel about it??" like no yeah what about evan's feelings about him dealing with his problems here, the one not having dinner, not having friends, not Not having anxiety, etc. like obviously heidi like every person ever has feelings & problems too but it's that the parent's problems are supposed to be Made Up For by the child somehow, while evan's problems are framed as Being A Problem for his mom, how she feels about Knowing about it, try harder please okay evan....but cue, yknow, how she resents evan feeling any responsibility for Her Problems in gfy yknow not insofar as she's been embarrassed to tell him like "yeah money is a problem" when it's been about pushing him to get scholarships but rather when the murphys know (maybe just via evan implying they're Not Rich to zoe after zoe is like ah, to be poor....) that heidi will need Financial Support for college for evan & then heidi like i'm not That poor & to take money would be wrong (always the reminder heidi does not know everything re: evan & connor isn't true either)

which, that last part of her dinner at the murphys pre gfy was really this time hitting like ://// whew okay. all of it always grating lmao but like, "i don't want evan to get the idea etc" like ma'am he's sitting right here? he's seventeen? can't just Declare the ideas evan will or won't absorb even though like yeah also clearly it's about her pride as A Good Mom being wounded & just putting it on evan by expressing it that way like no i have to be A Good Mom via my example, is why i must decline....& like i'm sure it can all be softened depending on how heidi is played but still like, this is about her Full Story / Material, & just what is written lol like even if she was more [pensive emoji single tear] in delivery or something, vs watching the obc like full anger & contempt by this point & i'm like yeah this Shouldn't be familiar if the excuse of like "well heidi is messing up in this Special Occasion, an outlier" really went that far. or was actually out of line w/how she acts other times. or how this all resolves. but heidi storming out While lashing out at evan / blaming him like my god lmfaooo & like. speaking of "do you think the murphy parents did read between the lines & think evan & connor are secret gay high school lovers" like gee evan having no problem moving in to the murphy household, keeping secrets from his mom like his ostensible epic friendship w/connor, not talking aobut her or really trying on his own to involve her, being fairly alarmed when Surprise Dinner With Your Mom, heidi acting like That??? like "do you think the murphy parents read between the lines to think evan is abused by his parent" i mean like lol lmfaooo on both points like heternormativity? the normativity of abuse & parents Owning their child as well? in the murphy household? but you know. of course no deh is not supposed to be about that but i'm like, uh oh, whole time i was like "well my own perspective based on what i learned from personal experience & then learned About such experiences isn't that relevant at least to heidi b/c it's supposed to be that she's Not Like That at the end of the day" but i'm like is it in effect though lol, is it really that different In Essence if not also like "yep the way heidi acts is just directly familiar sometimes. maybe often. or always" difference in degree like. plus just that how often is whatever particular lens/perspective like Useless to apply

anyway & that fight in the leadup to gfy is wild & just like further illuminating re: how the whole time, from the first scene, it's like okay to heidi what's most important in her motivations is Her Insecurity about how anything about evan supposedly reflects on her being a mom, like. again that heidi has no idea everything about evan & connor isn't true & she's just going sicko mode at evan b/c the murphys Aren't His Family, yknow, She is, & that entitlement that's supposed to come with it, evan can't have these other adults acting Parently towards him re: money & housing & dinners & feeling fond of him or anything, all circumventing her status as His Mother....the whole "sorry i can't give you more than that, shit" "well it's not my fault other people can" like yeah sorry about your feelings heidi, yeah it's not "nice" of evan to say that but i'm not like yes evan must never even think things that aren't nice(tm) much less say them, that again like even if we sympathize w/heidi there b/c obviously yeah she'd be hurt & feel insecure. even if we suppose that was mean of evan. i'm like well yeah he's right. just setting aside the apparent universal desire for a life as closely approximating the brady bunch as possible, it's like hey yeah look evan's been getting dinners this way, re: him not ordering a pizza at the start of a show. turning out to be less important like "well at least you've been eating, good" than evan not doing so through the Proper efforts to Become Normal(tm) & of course that like. coming from another mom staying home making him food is unacceptable b/c she imagines this is supplanting her / making her the Bad Mom vs this Good Mom & then taking it out on evan to make her feel Good Enough(tm) like truly just the usual fallback refrain of "ohh sorry i'm not perfect / have feelings / have problems" which is true for everyone ever but yknow evan is the one having to Defend his feelings & problems & imperfections against the fallout of "failing" to be "responsible" for mitigating or fulfilling heidi's & she's the one who can break out "i'm your mother" whereas evan's less overtly declared "i'm your son" about her potentially failing Him is what gets met with more contempt & "ohh sorry i'm not perfect & have feelings & problems" & her starting off Good For You. great

& like the way All That illustrates, like the way evan getting dinner now through a different now available avenue is, to heidi, more about her own feelings than about [evan gets dinner now], like just that expanded to how it's not Okay that evan's problems seem to be getting better / he's getting more support / he's doing better or anything as soon as heidi becomes insecure about her not having the role she wants in it. the entire thread about her being bothered about evan not telling her things, lying about things, hiding things, like yeah evident that she Is worried about him but same as she's evidently worried about him in the first scene, when, again, we Did see him share something honestly with her & she was like "UGH evan jeez i Hate that you told me this" & then her input is to tell him to Get Good, yknow, must be his own failures, get on that. gosh why would he keep anything from her. & then yknow we have that line later on, evan like you don't know me & heidi like "i thought i did" (contempt again) & like the main issue of this not being like "oh no if i Don't know him or about his problems then i'm not supporting him like i thought i was / he's not getting the support Overall i thought he was" but rather like i can't believe evan is doing this to me / her insecurities & evan's "responsibility" for them, again, rather than yknow. evan's wellbeing regardless of her personal feelings? & we're ready for resolution after heidi inadvertently reads his diary to realize he was that sad & it's like. even if he wasn't That Sad like none of that response was okay. at any point lol like it's still the issue of her dynamic with him where evan is In Charge Of how heidi feels & that obviously she can act on this in the ways she can & what can evan do about anything but avoid her / not share things / idk indeed move in with this other family lol, sorry about the pretenses (also obviously like. murphy parents not doing that much better. certainly larry like, are you kidding? never changes his mind that all connor's problems were connor's fault & Failings & now his reaction to it is about facing any insecurity & Rejecting It as no i'm always right & just have to hold out forever. vs that zoe is also bearing the brunt of being Trapped In The Family(tm) but cynthia dares to be like "no, i feel like i failed my dead son" & "no, i don't feel someone 'has to be the bad guy' who tramples boundaries")

like speaking of boundaries. ppl having always pointed out "uh oh, heidi's not good with those" or the point like "in gfy heidi's also mad about the rejection by her ex-husband & just putting that over her fight w/evan" like not beating the [parent making their child the one in charge of them & their feelings & actions] allegations.......

& you know, the resolution like "ohh you were sadder than i knew" like okay Now that matters instead of heidi Just being insecure that he wasn't sharing this with her already, thus the important part being how that makes her feel like a bad mom vs like, how evan is actually doing & her actual role in this beyond what makes her feel best, personally? or that like oh i'm Not going to not be here, physically, in this house....like okay. but what about the actual dynamic you have while around him & you will always be around him, b/c like, has that changed from the start. how is heidi going to offer support re: evan Feeling Like This that's different from "you Need to order pizza and Need to get your cast signed, Just Do It" or that b/c she doesn't want to hear otherwise like well then of course evan won't tell her, or maybe a therapist if that's not confidential, or other people if it'll get back to his mom, or the internet if that'll get back to his mom which i guess it will. is evan gonna be not in charge of her feelings anymore. i'm just like yeah evan find yourself in college sure get outta there idk if you're even rude along the way. & obv shoot larry into the sun

[mellowwillowy]

For Personal Read only, really OOC.

"Let go of Dire right now you bastards!!" You roared toward the STYX's guards that were escorting Crowley, ready to give the automatons a hard kick.

Just before Trein could keep the knocked-down automatons another knock, one had threateningly loomed behind you, ready to bash your head.

But it never did so, not when Crowley's magic had prevented anything from touching you, not even the staffs. "My, my! I have told you gentlemen I'd follow you obediently so why bother my student? I am gracious enough to not scrape you so let them go!"

It took time for the automatons to recompose themselves, alternating to a default mode before Crowley dispersed the magic barrier. "I'll be back so no need to trouble yourself with these gentlemen! See? This is why I've always told you to not act with brawn over brain!" Crowley gave your cheek a playful pinch before turning his heels back, "Professor Trein, I assume you are kind enough to watch them in my absence?"

It was not a question, it was an order.

"Khk-! Meanies! I will find a way to drag you out myself!"

-----

Crowley couldn't find you in the college, not when any of the ravens were able to find you. He had to manage and find which raven was smart enough to tail after you and fortunate was him, a crow managed to sneak into the Island of Woe.

But what was more amusing was the fact that there were 2 ravens that tailed 2 subjects into the island. One resting on your hand while the other was trapped in a cage, observing one of his students.

The other student who belonged in the Ignihyde dorm, sat like an honored guest with tea and desserts lined for them to consume. It appeared that this student had a connection with the Shroud Family, he assumed.

To be fair, he was not assuming. He was merely monologuing like a main character who had no idea of anything.

That student, was 'you'. And he knew you better than anyone would ever be. In summary, that student was a humanoid developed by a certain family and the Shroud family.

Caught in a pitiful state just like Ortho Shroud, the student miraculously survived despite being pronounced dead. It was only a slight chance of living as a human but both families were quick enough to find a way to pull them from the underworld.

It was more of a prisoner in a humanoid body, a prisoner that yearned to die, contrasting Ortho Shroud's wish. Neither of them had the same noble wish but both of them shared a goal. To eradicate the world for a mutual chance of living.

Idia was never fond of you, as he quoted, he found your gaze unsettling. Unsettlingly familiar, similar to the student. But what unsettled him the most was the fact that Ortho was very fond of you just like how he acted with him.

And he hated how his guts seemed to whisper some ominous truth about you and the student who resided in his dorm. Perhaps the trip to the Island of Woe would help ease him down?

------

Vil managed to yank Idia up while you were trying your best to not fall. Alas, it was pointless, a pair of inky hands kept you still by your ankle, legs, thighs, and then to your face.

With the same pair of eyes you two shared, the blot stared into you in disdain and grudge, pulling you deeper into the underworld. What greeted you was not death but a burst of magic.

Just before you could put it to good use, the same raven that stuck around you burst into an army of ravens, circulating around you to the point you couldn't see their eyes anymore. Only darkness enveloped you.

"You must not join us just yet, don't worry, I will console them later"

-------

"Woah, Vil, what happened to you? Did I sleep for another thousand years again?" were your first words the moment you woke up. It couldn't be helped, aside from Lilia's burgundy eyes, Vil was the one who caught most of your attention.

"Silence! You were only asleep for hours!" "Lilia seemed to enjoy playing the role of a prince when he transferred his magic onto you with his lip." Malleus quoted as he observed everything.

"Pukukuku, how does it feel like to be woken up like a princess?" Lilia gave your cheek another smooch before dropping you on both legs. You were perfectly fine, alive in a youthful appearance.

Magic.

You tried to imagine something, to prove that you were capable of using it but failed miserably. You couldn't wield even one bit.

Ortho Shroud. Idia Shroud. Those two names rang in your head.

They have to know how to regain my power.

Oh if only you turn your suspicion toward Crowley.

[goddessesofeverything]

Third Gift for Miss Raven

Greetings to Miss Raven! (@raven-at-the-writing-desk) I hope you enjoy! Happy Holidays to you! Your confession, during the post about Jade being jealous of Rollo, about how Rollo replaced Rook in your top three Twst boys had me wondering whether I should have included Rook, but I decided to throw him a bone, and he gets to join. 

Rollo Flamme

Although he loathed having to visit the dreaded Night Raven College, it was best to present gifts in person. Tradition dictates that one should be gifting a gift for the holiday season with the recipient present so that one might see their reactions in person. The Righteous Judge himself would present gifts to his charges in person, and Rollo could do no less if he wished to follow such an inspiring example. 

Luckily, there was no shady, filthy eel to taint your interaction with Rollo—this time. Rollo had managed to find you in the courtyard of Night Raven College, scribbling some notes that assaulted your head and wouldn’t let you go. Furthermore, even more luck on his side, you had just finished your writing when you spotted him coming up the way. Rollo deigned to remain standing, but, nevertheless, put out a hand for you to grip so that he could assist you in standing. You placed your gloved hand in his and let yourself be pulled up to your feet.

He made sure to limit his contact with you, despite the glove on your hand, to remain as professional as possible. It’s not like he wanted to hold your hand more with how dainty it was in his hold. Nope. Not a single desire to continue holding your hand until he whisked you away to Noble Bell College instead. It’s not like he actually wanted that. 

Rollo simply presented an immaculately wrapped gift to you with a simple, “For you.” The gift was wrapped in alternating purple and red paper with golden bells patterning the alternating stripes. 

You curiously took the presented gift and carefully unwrapped it, lest his delicate sensibilities be offended by ripped open wrapping paper. After you meticulously peeled away the bell covered wrapping paper, a box revealed itself to you. A set of his quills, inks, and papers that he personally used for letters was nestled in tissue paper. He had chosen this set so that you both could exchange letters. Not that he was secretly praying you would write for him to take you away to Noble Bell College. No, these letters were merely so that you could keep in contact and you could update him on your stories. 

You had told him that you admired that he still wrote handwritten letters to others because it reminded you of your own writings. There was a time in which someone had told you that “letters are not just pieces of paper. They contain powerful emotions from those who wrote them” (I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the anime Violet Evergarden but this quote is from there). You had told Rollo about this quote that you’ve heard before and he sort of sees letters in a slightly different light because of it. 

Jade Leech

Your form shivered as you shook the cold snow off yourself. What rotten luck. You had just walked under a lower branch on the path to Mr. Sam’s Mystery Shop when it gave under its weight and dropped all the snow that blanketed the branch onto you. 

What is a poor you to do? All that cold and wet slush that graced you would quickly settle into your skin and give you a cold if you didn’t change quickly. 

Luckily, who should arrive at that very moment but a bundled up Jade. Jade, wrapped up in his outfit from Harveston, saw that you had been unluckily hit with some falling snow. He cooed at your perfect, pouty face with cheeks already turning pink from the cold. You shivered and he immediately took your arm in his and steered you away from the path. You protested, of course you did. But how could you compete with Jade’s strength? He was mightily determined to get you to Octavinelle to warm up. Jade dragged you all the way to his dorm room. Luckily, Floyd had Basketball Club at this time and wouldn’t be back for some hours. This was the most perfect opportunity to present you with your gift.

He toweled you down as best as he could which turned your hair all fluffy. Leaving the towel with you, he went to his wardrobe to pull out this elegant box. A box from Harveston. 

Inside the large box, there was an entire outfit, perfectly folded to fit, all ready for you. Beautifully woven scarf, a fleece hooded cloak in dark colors, leather gloves, snow boots, and a beautiful winter dress. Everything was in dark shades of blue or black to match with Jade. 

You suspected that he was just waiting for a moment such as this: when you weren’t in a position to refuse such a gift. You still allowed him to leave the room to give you the privacy needed to change into your new outfit. With every piece, you could feel the softness of the fleece, the smoothness of the leather, and the warmth of the boots. As soon as all the elements came together, Jade knocked on the door and asked if you were done (did he have a sixth sense for this?). 

You flustered at his impatience and told him to wait a little longer, to which he chuckled. Once you had a moment to yourself, you allowed him to enter once more. The look on his face when he came in was priceless. His eyes soften and a sincere smile paints his lips. He takes a couple small steps your way to admire the alluring image of you wrapped up in his gift up close. You were too cute to resist! He smoothly tucked your hair inside the hood of the cloak and tilted your face up to meet his. Surely you would accompany him on a stroll now that you were properly adorn in appropriate winter gear.  

What you didn’t know was that the branch was heavy with snow but it still wouldn’t have come down on you. It just needed a slight push to fall off the branch. The hit from an expertly thrown snowball perhaps? It’s not that you needed to know such a detail. Not when you were so lovingly cozy in your new cloak and boots now, right? 

Leona Kingscholar

Leona didn’t really do much to invite you over to his dorm as any other suitor of yours would have. A simple “Oi! Meet me in my room tonight,” was really all he gave you before he wandered back to his napping spot in the botanical garden. If Leona himself was taking the time to request that you come see him, instead of getting Ruggie to deliver the message, you were certain to be there. You were barely in front of the door before you heard Leona say, “Come on in.”  

He chucked a gift box into your hands as soon as you got close to the bed. You might not have been the best at catching things, but Leona made it an easy one. The small box wasn’t wrapped but the brand engraved on the box was one that you recognized to be a high-end jeweler that even Vil had a hard time getting jewelry from. And Leona had just gifted you with a box from them. Your eyes widened, but nonetheless, opened the box once you spotted the expectant eyebrow raise from Leona.  

Cushioned inside was a pair of earrings. Earrings made of a magestone that he personally had dug out during his time inside the mines during the Camp Vargas trip. He saw a magestone that reminded him of you and just yanked it from the wall before taking his nap in there. He took it back and had someone craft the magestone into the shape of a feather and set it into gold. Both earrings were made to be simply classy. 

“If you’re done admiring them, come here so I could put them on for you.” Leona patted the place next to him. You crawled onto his bed and presented the earrings for him to grab. He took one out of the box and gently inserted it into your ear. You could feel the soft breaths that emanated from him as he leaned in close to see your pierced hole. He clasped the earring in before taking you by the shoulders and maneuvering you to turn to your other side so he could insert the second one. He placed the second earring in your ear and pulled away, but not before he brushed your hair behind your ear so that the feather-shaped earrings were on display for the both of you to see. 

In the mirror he handed to you, you could see the details of the feather and how it complimented your look. He informed you that the earrings also had a protection charm on them because earrings with magestones should also serve some kind of function. You were startled at finding the protection charms engraved in the gold settings in a way that made them seem like part of the design already. 

He took the mirror away before you had any other time to admire your new accessories. Instead, you were pulled to his side. He laid back down on the mattress and lifted a fuzzy blanket to cover the both of you. Pulling out a book, he asked, “Didn’t you want to hear the stories that they told us as kids in the Sunset Savannah?” 

You, of course, had wanted to hear those childhood stories he read growing up, but you never expected for it to be done this way! He wrapped an arm around you and flipped through the book that Cheka left behind on his last impromptu visit. With that deep, mesmerizing voice, Leona read to you about meerkats and warthogs making friends, of puppets having adventures, and how a certain King of Beasts brought prosperity to the hyenas. With each story, the pleasant atmosphere lulled you closer and closer to sleepiness. Before you knew it, Leona was admiring the slight rise and fall of your breaths as he put the book down. He pulled the blanket up higher so that it covered the both of you before wrapping his other arm around your soft figure and resting his head next to yours. 

Rook Hunt

You weren’t expecting to be kidnapped (not really as you were headed to Pomefiore anyway), but you were whisked into the sanctuary that was Rook’s room with just the two of you in the room. He wanted to give you his gift in the intimate privacy of a space that was just the two of you. 

Just like Vil, he had written at least 100 different poems all about you to celebrate the holidays. It was all bound tastefully together in a small book that you could easily hide in any small drawer. Each poem was accompanied with a little doodle or sketch that captured the essence of the theme of that particular poem. You had only unwrapped the gift and riffled through the first few pages when he launched into an impromptu poem that he made up on the spot. It turned your cheeks pink and gave warmth to your heart to hear him singing the praises of this cozy moment with you as you opened his gift. 

Pretty as a picture,

Your delightful visage flickers

With adoration for my poetry. 

I fall further in love hopelessly

And you can claim me a victor.

His poems for you are full of heart. You know his sincerity is unparalleled. Even if some of them are a tad more flowery than you would have preferred, it makes them more treasured because of how much thought went into them. One of the poems that he wrote for you, he recited to you himself from memory.

I am invigorated with each

Lovely writing that turns your cheeks

Outstandingly pink. I admire squeaks, 

Vivacious, with fiery wit, courageous. 

Enchanting moments are advantageous.

Yearning to spend even fleeting moments

Only serve to remind me of lovely accomplishments.

Unique, unforgettable, utterly unprecedented you.

He only asks for a hug from you more. One you gladly give. For who could resist the adoration of a person on the hunt for beauty in everything he sees.

[thesoulspulse]

Danny Phantom Randomness (Vlad’s The Real Villain Here!)

I think I talked to someone about this before, but has it ever struck anyone else as odd that the Observants only went after Danny and not Vlad to quote “save the future?” Sure, Danny’s ghost half was the main portion of Dan, but if you stop to really think about it Vlad’s actually the one to blame for driving him mad because future Vlad tells the current Danny point blank:

“And when my evil ghost half mixed with yours, my evil side overwhelmed you...”

This is important to note because the Danny of that timeline was grief-stricken, angry at the world, and ashamed of himself for failing to save his friends and family. So when Vlad removed his ghost half, instead of making them go away all those emotions became twice as strong. Especially the anger part since Danny must have thought Vlad did this to him on purpose instead of doing what he promised which was to take away all of his painful human emotions. Mind you, Vlad might not have shown it but I think he was grieving Maddie’s death too and probably blamed Jack more than ever for that rather than Danny. Either way, Vlad’s evil side completely took Danny’s mind, creating this new person who both was and wasn’t either of them.

That said, even at his lowest moments Danny has never done anything I’d call “pure evil,” including when Freakshow had him under hypnosis. Sure he was a snarky jerk and attacked his friends, but in the end he snapped out of it before crossing the line. When he became Dan though...there was no one left to bring him back from the brink. Nothing worth fighting for except taking out his rage on everyone who ever hurt him and making sure that NO ONE would ever hurt him again by becoming someone far worse than Vlad could ever hope to be. At least at that point in time if we don’t count everything that happened in the new timeline once Dan was beaten.

So long story short you’d think the Observants would want to take care of the root of the problem, aka Vlad since I believe he's the true source of Dan’s evil. Danny was just a kid who didn’t know how to handle the loss of his friends and family whereas Vlad used his deep-rooted hatred of Jack to as an excuse for every bad thing he’s done since the portal accident back in college. Then again, they probably thought getting rid of Danny would be easier since to his credit Vlad is more than a match for them or anyone else they might try to throw at him.

As for getting Clockwork involved, while warning Vlad about Maddie and Danny’s possible death’s if he doesn’t change his ways might be enough to stop him for a little while, on the other Vlad might just do what he usually does and take advantage of that information instead which would only make him a bigger target. Vlad would most likely try to use Danny’s fear of becoming Dan as a manipulation tool or a way to throw him off his game during their battles. In a worse case scenario Vlad could go so far as to try to recreate Dan without anyone dying just so he could turn Danny into some kind of evil minion as a last resort since the cloning thing obviously failed...

Anyways, my point is it would be interesting to see an alternate version of “The Ultimate Enemy” where its Vlad being targeted instead of Danny to save the future from Dan. Who knows, it could end in another team up after Vlad finally realizes he IS the true villain here.

[imaginespazzi]

Nivi – hey bestie, you’ve done it again – I wasn’t sure it could get more heartbreaking than the last one and yet!

As always, the writing is- well, it’s everything.

The parallels between high school them and college them was immaculate, and I so wish Paige could have fulfilled her dream of kissing Azzi under the confetti, but alas, maybe in another universe 😉

I loved the little exchange about UConn and California, and how that possibility was always there but Paige could just never accept it.

P and UConn winning the natty this year – it had to happen in at least one universe, so thank you for letting it happen in this one.

Side note: Drew and Paige interactions are always top tier, and very much the type of momentary fluff that I needed to break up the sadness while reading.

Side note 2: I love that I don’t even need to imagine what Azzi wearing Paige’s jersey would look like, but I’m glad ucla au Paige got to experience it too 🥹

The celebration with the team was so cute and of course it would be KK that basically helps break the ice (and her lil innocent “you should bring her around more often” 🥺). Also, all the little moments Az got with everyone else in the team was so wholesome, and ofc queen Nika being a loveable menace who’s always just looking out for her twin.

Side note 3: I love love love the two piggyback moments haha, just because that’s so pazzi core to me idk, I feel like there’s been a lot of photos where Azzi is piggybacking Paige irl, like that’s very much their thing so I adored seeing it incorporated here. But then, the ending. I knew it was coming, but it certainly did not make it hurt any less when we got there. “Fuck,” Paige’s voice is still wracked with sleep, “I thought you left.” “That’s more your style,” Azzi says – this was particularly heartbreaking, but I can’t really blame Azzi, even if P is trying so hard to make things right.

Overall, I may or may not have been tearing up throughout the entire chapter, and it somehow hit me even harder the second time I read through it? I think that’s just testament to your writing tbh.

Thoughts on what’s next:

Do things finally start getting better? It can’t get any worse, can it? (famous last words) 😅

I did wonder actually, whether you’d have them win or lose the natty, only because if they did win which obviously they did here (thank you), could that maybe change P’s mind at all on declaring or not?

I’m guessing she obviously sticks to her og decision and stays, and so I’m super intrigued on what might come next for them.

Like will they try going back to being just friends? Even though they’ve already tried and failed and knowing that would never be enough for Paige. But can they really not be in each other’s lives??

Will they try seeing other people again??

Summer’s coming up in the timeline and they’ve never spent an entire summer apart, so what will they do this summer? 😔 Or will we have a big time jump?

So many questions, and only you have the answers, Nivi.

Favourite lines/quotes:

The moon shines against Azzi’s face and Paige thinks that so much has changed, but Azzi’s still that kind of beautiful

“Do you know what my answer would have been?” “Yeah,” Azzi says softly, squeezing her hands, “yeah I do.”

Alternate lyrics that came to mind while reading:

Talk about our future like we had a clue. Never planned that one day, I'd be losing you.

In another life, I would be your girl. We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world.

Oh, and in honour of your love for Taylor, a Taylor lyric that came to mind was specifically this:

And I can go anywhere I want. Anywhere I want, just not home - mainly from the perspective of Paige getting almost everything she’s ever wanted, except the thing she wants most.

PS: I don’t really listen to Taylor’s music much anymore (nothing negative, just a shift in my music tastes these past couple of years!), but if there’s anything you think I should definitely give a listen to from her latest album, let me know!

As always, thank you for all you do for us. Have a wonderful weekend 💗

Much love, -🙋‍♀️

Hi bestie, one thing about me is that I will find a way to make it worse! 🤪

Thank you my sweets, it always means the world <3

I'm glad you caught that because I wanted to hint at the idea that it wasn't just a random decision of Azzi's part to choose UCLA and that she'd always been considering it.

If I can add Drew and Paige interactions, best believe I will find a way to do it. That's another relationship that's so precious to me.

Shoutout to the one anon who asked for Azzi to wear Paige's jersey in the universe as well because I took that and ran with it so I hope they liked it, because I liked their idea (come say hi!)

The team scene was one my favorites to write honestly, especially just in general KK is so fun to write because she's so fun and I need my chaotic family (Paige-Azzi-KK-Ice) to be a thing in every universe.

YES the piggybacks are just so Pazzi-core and I know this is an au but I like to take things from what we already know about them and just tweak it to keep some semblance of realism. Also piggyback are just really cute and Paige seems like the kind to beg literally anyone to carry her anyways

Things will get better because I actually don't know if they can get worse (actually they probably could but it might be hard to come back from lol) but things getting better is gonna take a lot

See if Paige changes her mind and declares, things become easy for them with her going to LA and I'm not in the business of making things easy for them lol

You think I have the answer to these question but truly what I write is just as much a mystery of where my inspiration will take to me as it is to you. So we'll see but we're on the ascent upwards, so no more other people lol!

I LOVE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY SO MUCH!!

As for Taylor, the new album's pretty good babes if you wanna go listen! Lowkey a lot of the songs work pretty well with this fic lmao. But my favorites are loml and Fortnight I think.

Always love your detailed takes on the new parts and just seeing you in my inbox always makes me smile <3

[rottedbrainz]

So I’ve been thinking about Tibbs and the aftermath of Rose passing, potentially have a drawing idea with Tibbs and Terri (I can’t remember which incorrect quotes post it was, think it was yours, but I love their TnT*tm* friendship) 

Idk if you plan to write a story about this so feel free to ignore this if you don’t wanna go too much into spoiler territory but what was life like for Tibbs and the kids following Rose’s passing??

I do plan on writing about it soon. I'll probably make the fic I wrote on ao3 a book that's solely Rose and Tibbs fan fiction. Plan on doing the same for Rand and Jamie's story too.

As a small side note though. I like to imagine an alternate universe where nothing bad happened to anyone and Rose got to hang out with Terri, Tina, and Lena.

But to highlight a few things. I call Lips "Buddy" since I write him before he did the whole thing with the trumpet and got the nickname Lips.

Now onto the stuff you asked about.

Everyone took it their own way.

It what finally tipped Janice and Jamie's relationship and Janice moved out.

Jamie stayed behind to help her dad and Lips. She was coping with it her own way as she tried to stay busy with work and college and driving Tibbs to places he needed to go.

To steal a little bit of Nora and Hannah's conflict, Lips was younge whenever Rose passed. He knew why his dad and sisters were sad, and at the time he was sad to. But as he got older some problems started to in sue as he didn't actually know how Rose died. Issues between him and Tibbs rise whenever he finds out though.

After the accident Tibbs refused to drive at all. He felt horrible about it and he wanted to cry about it every single day.(idk if you get what I'm implying. You can message me and i'll give you more details if you'd like.) If someone suggested he drive he would give them nasty looks with the most harsh and cold "No." If he found himself behind the wheel, he would start to hyperventilate and have panic attacks. He shoved his feelings on down and focused and taking care of Lips. He put on his happy smile like nothing ever happened. He keeps the crystal necklace he gave Rose around his neck at all times, even whenever he's sleeping. Every year on thier anniversary he tends to solely his Rose bush. Jamie eventually does put him in therapy, because man does he fucking need it. They all do.

I would like to think that in his silver fox years he would try to date again. It would be hard for him to, but I know he can do it!

[pancake-breakfast]

Trigun Book Club! Trigun Book Club! (@trigunbookclub)

Way back in the mid-2000's, a young Pancake Ray was working their first job out of college at a local Giant Chain Bookstore and discovered that no one else working the store cared if they spent their breaks sitting on the floor in front of our rather impressive two and a half bays of manga we had and just... read them right there. Much manga was read, and among the titles read were both Trigun and what was available at that time of Trigun Maximum.

I remember very little from that initial read aside from 1) confusing fight scenes, and 2) enough deviation from the anime (which I had recently watched) that I didn't really have a place for at that time. The anime had wormed itself into a very special place in my heart, so between the differences and just not being in a good place spiritually to handle some of its more religious themes, I wasn't really sure what to do with it. It probably didn't help that, back then, the manga was nowhere near finished.

I still read every volume we had, because gods, I read anything that looked even remotely interesting on the manga shelves at that time.

Now, an older and (debatably) wiser Ray is going to be reading these along with the rest of the Trigun Book Club Denizens. But first, I want to start of with a quote from the notes in The New Oxford Annotated Bible (3rd Ed.) in their prelude to I Kings, which is what I'm currently studying:

There is, on the other hand, no neat correlation between sin and judgment in Kings, largely because of the compassionate character of the Judge who accepts the repentant sinner, who does not desire final judgment to fall upon his creatures, and who is always ready to find cause why such judgment should be delayed or mitigated.

It just seemed like something to keep in mind when thinking about the character of Vash... but YMMV.

Onward!

Stream-of consciousness thoughts for Trigun Vol. 1, Chapters 1-3 below. (More detailed thoughts will be their own posts.)

Trigun Volume 1 Covers

Ok, first off... I love the alternate covers Nightow did. The stark contrast between the serious cleanliness of the covers and the crazy tongue-in-cheek alternate version really sets the tone.

LOL, "Deep Space Planet Future Gun Action!!" Yep, that's it. That's all it is.

How have I never seen Meryl as Luke Skywalker before??

Chapter 1: The $$60,000,000,000 Man

This poster says "Appearance: Unclear," but it also has a picture of him. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Vash's face is so goofy. It's like if his world isn't ACTIVELY ON FIRE, he doesn't know how to be serious. I do like the belts. When watching S1 of Stampede, I missed the belts. I hope S2 has more belts. Something something fetish gear.

I love that there's actually a tally of all this on a wall somewhere. SEVENTY FREAKING TWO MURDER CASES.

Kid: "Mom, I want a gun." Mom: "You already have a gun at home." The Gun At Home: *only shoots toy darts when you, a child no older than 8, are living in the Space Wild Wild West and think you need real bullets*

I love how quickly Vash goes from "OMG FOOD" face to SERIOUS EATING FACE.

And it's immediately followed by this CLOSE-UP ASS SHOT. WHYYYYYY???

I don't know who this cloaked guy who's cocking his shotgun by shaking it vertically is, but I love his stupid hair.

Yeah, you don't get to kill the protagonist THAT fast....

WW isn't even here yet and Nightow's already filling panels with man-tiddies...

LOL, he counted ALL the bullets in that page that was... just... it was just bullet fire. Somehow he counted them all. For every gun. And now everyone else has to leave stripped down to their boxers.

I love that someone, somewhere decided they needed to have a pinball machine all the way out here in nowheresville.

Ah there are the girls. Milly looks so worried about the catcalls, but Meryl? Meryl looks bored.

Chapter 2: Looney Tunes

Ok, first off, this chapter title just makes me think of ep 12 of Stampede when So-and-So starfishes his way out a window before floundering in the air for a second of hangtime and then falling.

Exposition! Huzzah!

Population decline slowing = humans adapting to the new environment. Resilient little buggers.... I know someone who probably HATES that statistic.

So, basically... before July, Vash was small beans. Or going by another name.

Aaaand straight into his goofy poses. This man is made of rubber, I swear.

LOL, why is he talking in French?! I guess a guy's gotta have his hobbies....

But Meryl... I'm with Milly here. Is it really that dangerous??

Ah, yes. The ol' "they'll understand me better if I just speak louder" trick. A favorite of Americans traveling in non-English-speaking countries when said American hasn't bothered to learn even the tiniest bit of the local language.

Current favorite Vash Chaos Pose:

LOL, "MY DEEPEST APOLOGIES FOR INTERRUPTING THIS CONFUSION." This feels like such a Japanese thing to say. It's like, "I know you're all engaged in frantic chaos right now, and because you're engaged in it, it must be very important to you, so I, the intruder, must offer my sincere regret for interrupting it."

I wonder how this version of Milly will merge with a Milly who was crazy enough to volunteer for the position of Meryl's partner in Stampede.

This Vash is definitely not so keen on being caught, even in the face of suffering women and children.

But here he is, protecting the very people who had guns in his face a second ago.

Chapter 3: Hard Puncher

Current favorite Vash Serious Pose:

Ok, I have thoughts here.

Sooooo many shonen speed lines....

Current favorite Vash Action Pose (That intense side eye is *chef's kiss*.)

Man, poor Gosef. But Vash standing over his prone form looks badass.

LOL, the Insurance Girls finally have everyone's attention, and.. they look like they don't want it anymore.

Hahahahaha, there goes the bounty. Can't put a bounty on a natural disaster. The federal government has officially labeled him "not human." *pats Vash*

Actually, he looks kinda happy about this. I guess not having a bounty on your head anymore might do that.

He can still have the head-pats.

The difference in his expression when greeting Meryl versus greeting Milly....

For as terrible as Mr. Nebraska himself is, I always appreciated how much he seems to genuinely care about his son in his own weird way.

Gods, I'm glad every other version got rid of his gun legs, though. That's... a Thing, and I don't like this Thing.

And just like that, Vash goes from "concerned about these girls constantly being around him" to "mildly intimidated by them." Beautiful.

(Thanks to @trigun-manga-overhaul for their translations and making this series accessible!)

[decent0distraction]

*sigh* ok

So-

Listen-

I-

….

I didn’t want to do this. In fact, I have avoided this particular alternate universe as much as I could. But I got bored in Bio and started writing this dumb little thing instead of making flash cards.

I may fail Biology but I’ll never fail making strangely angsty and intriguingly amusing Our Flag Means Death AU’s.

(Update: I got a C)

This AU is, drum roll please….

HIGH SCHOOL/CHEERLEADING AU!

Yeah, not my best pitch. But hear me out. Or don’t. I won’t know either way. [as]

Sorry, I’ll get to the point now.

Stede Bonnet is a rich kid at a rich private school, King George Academy, until he decides he’s going to the nearest public school, Queen Anne High School. His girlfriend, Mary, only finds out he’s breaking up with her and leaving when her friends message her asking if Stede has a brain tumor or something (sparking the flames of “Stede Bonnet died” rumor)

But Stede isn’t dead! No, no, he just committed social-suicide to…captain the Queen Anne cheer squad??

There’s two problems with this. One, there isn’t really a squad for Stede to captain. I mean, there’s a few students who need the extra credit, a couple that have nothing better to do, and some who need it for their college applications. So yeah, if you count a bunch of weirdos and misfits who have no cheerleading experience whatsoever as a squad, then yeah, Stede’s good to go.

The other problem is that while the school itself doesn’t have a cheer squad, a group of talented students travel to the only top schools and their best games to cheer the teams on. This squad-for-hire is captained by Edward Teach and his head cheerleader, Izzy Hands.

Stede likes to think he and Edward are the same, but let’s get one clear. Edward is a captain because his team is so good that no one sees the need to strap a teacher or coach to the squad. Stede doesn’t need an adult chaperone because no really gives a shit. That lot is a team?? Since when? Ah, who cares?

Got it? Cool.

But by the time Edward and his squad return to Queen Anne, the word has gotten out that a fancy private school twink has built a team that’s attractive in the way that ugly purse dogs are cute. Or something like that. You know, the circulation of the rumor mill at this school is very concerning.

Edward sends the best of his team, Izzy Hands, to check out this new squad.

Total mean girls moment when Izzy approaches Stede with Ivan and Fang, the two of them getting into it and the principal getting involved.

And the principal, who I haven’t put a character to yet but the idea of Spanish Jackie breaking up this fight like the principal in Mean Girls, yk

“Hell no, I did not leave East High for this” or was it north east high? Northeastern high? Someone fact check this quote, please? Thank you.

Anyway, whoever the principal is, they pause bc

Stede Bonnet?? As in father’s the inventor of the toaster strudel, that Stede Bonnet?

Or was it something else?

Who cares; the point is, why is this kid in this principal’s school and why are they just now finding out about it?

That’s not important right now tho because it’s become apparent that this school doesn’t have room for two squads so they make Stede and Edward co-captain one large squad. And since it’s clear this is gonna be a problem, they assign the weird old history teacher, Mr. Buttons, to chaperone.

(If I find the flash card I wrote on, I’ll update with any extra details I wrote that isn’t already on this post)

[justkpopjokes]

Colour of You: Blue

Ft. Dino/Lee Chan × gender-neutral!reader

AU: college art majors, reader has synaesthesia (or mad colour theory skills if u want instead)

Word Count: 1.9k of bullet points

A/N: fun fact, I had sound-visual and smell-temperature syanesthesia as a kid! Anyway here’s a fic that I teased back in 2017 but am only now posting! I remember one of the first readers also had synaesthesia and left a sweet comment, so as an homage to them I leaned into it ^^

This boy’s college major is dance!!

I mean, what else? Cuz dang he is amazing at dancing

Like really good

Michael Jackson is his idol, inspiration, motivation, and inner beast

((Side note, “inner beast” is my new favourite Nick Offerman quote))

So, of course, his favourite move is the moonwalk

I mean, what else?

Well, he has others, but he says it’s the moonwalk to be the best fanboy

Theatrics aside, his favourite part of the day is meeting with other visual art majors in a huge open room

It’s their clubhouse of sorts, where people can come to collaborate on things related to their major(s) and bring in whatever they want for their projects (given that they can clean it up afterwards)

You’re in Chan’s college as a Studio Arts major (there’s a reason!!), so you also go to the same visual arts club after your classes!

You love looking at what everyone else is doing so you can sketch and paint them

People think you’re really good at representing people with colour

And in fact, it’s because you have synaesthesia!

So, overtime, you could identify people and then depict them in the colour your brain assigns them by drawing/painting them!

It’s a sweet gesture you do once in a while, which you sometimes gift to the person if you’re feeling particularly inspired

But in addition to your synaesthesia (and an alternative if you don’t think you can get with the synaesthesia plot line), you also mad good at colour theory and aesthetics

So people will often ask you to find them a colour that suits them the best!

Because of all that you’re pretty well known in your small studio arts major community

But lately, you’ve been keeping to yourself and don’t start conversations on your own

And like no one knows why?? Lmao

Simple answer: You’re crushing on that cute dancer, Lee Chan, whom you see at the visual arts club 👀

Originally, you came to this hangout room to hopefully make some friends

And you did make friends!! But also you became super smitten with this guy

Like he’s so cuuuuuteeeeeee talented and passionate

It makes your heart flutter when he dances and happens to look in your direction

But talking to him feels so intimidating so it’s a huge nope™

Your first meeting was so embarrassing; it was during the second time you were at the hangout spot

You had been sitting next to one of your new friends

You were feeling pretty bored though, so your eyes wandered to some guys who were practicing a dance they choreographed and decided to draw one of them

The guy was Chan, the best dancer you’ve ever seen!

You were quietly focusing on your sketching, capturing the motion and fluidity as best you can in a still drawing

While the dancers were taking a break, you were finishing your picture by adding off-set colours to represent movement

Shades of azure and teal blue splash onto the page, looking almost like an ocean wave

Chan just happens to looks over your shoulder as he passes by

Chan: “Hey, is that me?”

You: “OH. UM—did you not want to be? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

Chan: “No no, it’s okay. It looks cool! I like the blue.”

You just.

Just nod. Yeah. Thanks.

(Hoooo boy that’s too many feelings to deal with right now—)

As the days went by, you drew multiple people on one page so it would seem a little less creepy

And you were never running out of people to sketch; there was always someone performing in the open floor area of the room, or people doing drawing challenges and sitting still enough for you to have a good reference

People were always so fascinated with the colours, even more so after you gave them a quick explanation that your brain assigned it to them

Sometimes people would even wear the colour you assigned to them the next day! It was a fun thing to see them match the colour you saw in your head

Thankfully, Chan didn’t seem to mind that you drew him again, too!

Whenever he’d pass your seat—where you were always doodling in your notebook—you would get really flustered because he’d look at you and say “your drawing style is amazing!”

You pour your heart and soul into your drawings of him just because of that

His kind soul deserves it!

After about a year of you drawing people and assigning them in that club, Chan suddenly comes up to you out of nowhere

You’re a bit confused and flustered since you weren’t actually drawing him that time

Chan: “Hi, Y/N. I heard you have, uh, synaesthesia? Is that right?”

You: “Mhm. I associate people with colours.”

Chan: “Cool, I thought I heard someone mention that. I have a question for you about that, actually.”

At this point, Chan is sitting next to you, so you’re a bit antsy and struggling to stay cool and not look weird and not seem like a creep

Chan: “Do you have a colour for my friend, Jun?”

You: “Who’s that?”

Chan: “Oh, he’s the tall guy with the brown hair over there. We’re on the same dance team.”

He laughs awkwardly a bit and at that point you’re unsure whether you should be embarrassed for not knowing or if he’s embarrassed for assuming you knew already

You: “Ohh, Junhui, yeah! He’s purple to me. Like, a shade of mauve, if you know what that is. That and a darker purple. Why?”

Chan: “I was thinking of getting him a gift. Something purple would be cool! I wonder if he’ll like that!”

Chan laughs again, this time with more heart

It’s sweet ^^ So cute okay stop fawning over him

After your very short chat, Chan waves goodbye and gets up to join his friends again, so you watch them block out a performance again

They’re planning to perform at the school’s perfoming arts festival at the end of the year, so they’ve been practicing any chance that they get

Cue the dramatic sigh

You never told anyone, but ever since you first saw him, you’ve always saw Chan as that same mix of azure and teal blue

You’ve always included blue in your drawings of Chan, even if he wasn’t wearing blue

You were actually finishing up a drawing of him now, which he saw again

Chan: “You know, Y/N, you should come watch us at the music festival! Maybe you could draw us performing?”

Then some random dude shouts

“OOH WAIT IS Y/N GOING TO DRAW OUR SPECIAL PERFORMANCE”

It turns out it’s Jun, who had immediately bounded over with excitement

Jun: “That would be so cool! Please watch Y/N please please it’s my last year performing”

CUE THE NERVOUS NOD YEAH OKAY I WILL!!

“Special performance” sounds interesting though, like what specifically is special about it other than Chan being there

Anyways the weeks up to the end of the year are obviously stressful, but you—along with the other arts majors—are anticipating Chan and his friends’ performance

Especially since they’ve organized for you to have a whole easel to work on with a good view of the stage!!

((Think like. Wedding painter vibes lol))

Finally, the day of the “special” performance, you’re set up at your wooden easel, far enough from the stage that you can see everyone

Considering you’d be watching a few performances, you brought quite a few canvases with you so you could paint some other stuff

Maybe even sell them to people at the festival 🤭 the performers would probably buy some

After all the performers have finished, the sun is beginning to set…and Chan still hasn’t performed yet??

Jun said they’d be last, but it’s starting to get dark so you’re losing precious light

But then the lights turn on and Chan and Jun, along with a couple of their friends, are on center stage!!

The crowd starts getting excited again and claps as the music begins

The 4 guys on stage are wearing all-white clothes and jackets, dancing to a modern but sort of slow melody

((Think the intro of ITZY’s Wannabe, something that’s going to give you goosebumps right before the music ramps up

Alternatively, you can imagine Dino’s mixtape Zero for all of this since it was the inspiration!!))

You get right to sketching, already having a plan!!

Wow the all-white really does make this seem like a wedding tho lmao

Then the lights start to dim, and the dancers do some sort of crazy formation

CUE THE BEAT DROP and suddenly theRE’S EXPLOSIONS OF CONFETTI AND COLOUR

All 4 guys on stage have ditched their white clothing and did a quick change, revealing the colourful fabric underneath

THE PARTY. HAS. STARTED!!!

2 of the guys, one being Jun, are wearing purple, just like you had mentioned to Chan before

Meanwhile, Chan himself (along with their remaining friend) is wearing blue!

💙💙💙 BLUE!! 💙💙💙

You’re so taken by surprise that you can barely remember what you’re doing

Everyone is dancing to the music at this point except you, sitting still in front of your easel, paintbrush in hand, jaw dropped, looking up at Chan with heart eyes

By the time the performance is over, you’ve managed to regain composure and depict the whirlwind of blue and purple on your canvas

Some confetti even gets stuck onto the canvas which is pretty cool

Many people passing by compliment you!! You sell a couple paintings too (nice)

But no one can beat Chan’s praise!!

Once he and his team go over to see what you’ve made, they’re blown away by the pop of cool tones you added to the canvas

(Jun wants to hang it up in their practice room lmao)

Once the festival is officially over and people are beginning to leave, Chan decides to help you clean up your paint supplies

You chat about his performance—turns out, he was the one who came up with the colour idea

Chan: “I really was thinking of getting Jun a gift since he’s graduating soon, but then I thought we could use your colours as a wow factor. I noticed you drew me in blue a lot, so I just guessed that was my colour.”

Chan had always been noticing you; after all, he loved your drawings

How creative they were,

The colours you assign to people,

How their colours never changed…

And how he was always those same shades of blue!

But around you, he never felt blue haha

Because he likes you even more than your drawings

In truth, he had a crush on you too, ever since he knew he inspired your wonderful art and you inspired him in turn

He finds you so cute

How you push your hair back when you’re thinking and he can see your face better

How you turn pink every time he walks by (yeah, he notices)

How he hears from your friend that you completely melt after he compliments you…

And he tells you all of this with the remaining adrenaline from his performance today

Which, of course, you confess that he’s right about that last thing…and that you like him too!

So all he can do is scoop you into a twirling hug and make you feel like an ocean wave of blue has washed over all your senses

Blue, the colour of you—both of you.

[vincent-sinclair-deserved-better]

A Little Bit Of Heaven, A Little Bit Of Hell

I wasn't able to write today because the day drained me and I am frustrated so I'll just split this in two parts I guess (I just want to show it to people asdffgasad)

Characters: Judah (by @bluecoolr), Esther (yet to be introduced? mayhaps?), other minor background characters

Words: 3023

Content warnings: religion/Christianity, religious guilt, bible quotes, it's been years since I was in church so I'm making stuff up as I go, mention of murder - if you need anything else tagged or specifically marked in the text, please let me know

dividers by firefly-graphics

Where my heart becomes free  And my shame is undone 

It was like paradise. 

Or that was what it felt like in comparison to Judah’s home anyway. Sure, most of the people living in Zak would disagree, they were too brainwashed to see what kind of hell they lived in, but he knew. He saw the darkness wherever he looked, the corruption seeping from every nook and cranny, staining everyone and everything. And he knew the source of it, lived with it, the whole house and family tainted by self-righteous lies and false promises. He’d had to get out. 

Carmel was different. People were kind and welcoming from the moment he arrived, there was no one watching his every move or monitoring his words. They weren’t suspicious simply due to him being an outsider. There was no constant underlying threat of severe punishment for making a mistake. And he was treated just like everyone else; he didn’t catch spiteful glances thrown his way, nor was he immune to consequences or exempt from rules. For the first time in years, he felt normal and like an equal member of the community. 

Also, people genuinely liked and respected the Reverend as opposed to being scared or seeming completely enraptured with him. They came to the services because they wanted to and didn’t get anxious if they missed one.

The town had communal gardens, a bakery, a butcher, all the usual things. It was pretty self-sustained and actual money was only rarely used. Mostly for things that had to be bought from out of town; there were a few people who worked in the city and did supply runs. Everyone helped everyone and did whatever work was needed, to the best of their abilities. 

Parents didn’t have to worry about their children getting a place in kindergarten or school since the town had everything. In the community centre, there was a specific area for children who needed to be watched past the time the school ended, and it included free food, activities, and help with homework or studying. Single parents didn’t have to worry about not finding someone to look after and take care of their kids because there was always someone willing to do it. Alternatively, the town had what could probably be most closely compared to boarding schools, where parents who were overwhelmed with childcare could send their children, along with being where orphans lived. Those schools also offered an option for teenage mums to stay and live with their children. 

Carmel also offered full support for people who wanted to move away for whatever reason, from kids wanting to attend college over single adults looking for a job and career to families who wanted a change of scenery. They were supported on every step of the way. No questions, no criticism, no judgement, no objections. 

Everything was perfect. 

So perfect it was outright blinding. 

But things don't always come that easy  And sometimes I would doubt 

He still wasn’t sure if he had actually not seen the signs or if he’d subconsciously ignored them, unwilling to let go of the ideal vision that he’d had in his mind. It was difficult to bring the image of the Reverend’s friendly, helpful brother David into accordance with the devious person Abigail had spent the last half hour describing to him. Still, he couldn’t sense any dishonesty in her voice, and her tearful expression seemed sincere. It pained him to see his usually cheerful and smiling neighbour like this. 

“Please,” she said, “I won’t ask your aid, all I need is for you to not tell on us. Not yet, at least.” 

Some strands of dark hair that had escaped her braid where clinging to her forehead and cheeks, her skin covered in a mix of sweat and tears. She looked tired and scared. Desperate. He was torn, unsure what was the right thing to do. All he had wanted to do was take out the trash and get ready for a lazy evening, lounging on the sofa and watching TV. He hadn’t expected to catch Abigail and Esther, a girl who helped with a lot of community events, climbing out of a window of the neighbouring house. Esther walked over to them, still holding Abigail’s new-born son. The boy had been fussy and crying, so she had taken him to calm him down. 

“They’ll send her to Saint Margaret’s,” she stated simply. The community home for single parents, teenage mums, and struggling families. A good place, build on kindness and compassion. Or so he had thought. 

Judah rubbed his temples, watching the boy who was now looking around the room, his chocolate brown eyes filled with curiosity and innocent wonder, “And you’re sure you can’t just- I mean, surely someone would believe and-” 

There had to be a solution. Something that didn’t involve him lying and going behind other community members’ backs. There had to. But then again, why would they lie? If what he had been taught before was true, why would anyone want to run away? If the people actually were as supportive and kind as he had thought up until now, why would a first-time mother go through the trouble of sneaking out of the hospital with her baby? 

Esther sighed and handed the boy back to his mother, before stepping in front of Judah, looking up at him, “Listen, I know this is a lot to take in, but we don’t have much time. At this point, someone must have noticed her disappearance. They’re probably looking for her already, and it won’t be difficult to figure out that she might want to stop by her former home.” 

“It’s just... it just seems so... harsh. Ostracising someone, sending them away or locking them up I could imagine, but outright murder? It’s against everything we believe in, isn’t it?” he said unsure, questioning, not even knowing whether he was trying to convince himself or not. 

“I can give you proof, okay? I can prove everything she said and more, just not now,” Esther replied and grabbed his hand, her eyes pleading, “Just go to sleep and act like nothing happened. Pray for forgiveness for all I care. This isn’t your... ‘fight’, for the lack of a better word. You don’t have to get involved, and the sooner we get out of here, the smaller the risk of being seen with us.” 

He sighed but nodded, “Alright. I’ll just... I’ll head upstairs, get ready for bed. You do what you must.” 

With that he turned and left before either of the women could say another word. When he reached his bedroom, he just sat down on his bed, not even bothering to turn on the light. He just stared into the darkness. This was the exact kind of stuff he had been running from. Secrecy and lies, fear and betrayal. Death. But it seemed like it was impossible; no matter how idyllic a place looked on the surface, corruption spread its tendrils everywhere, slipping through the smallest cracks in people’s faith and seeping into their hearts. 

And, contrary to everything he thought he had known, if what the women had said was true, things here were even worse than back home. 

Back home? 

This thought gave him pause, ripping him out of his contemplation. This was his home. It had been for almost a year now, and that’s what he had thought and felt about it as well. The town, the people, the house – this was his home. The community was his community, his family. 

He hadn’t thought of Zak as home in years. It’d been the place he lived, where he was stuck, trapped – his own personal hell. Zak had not been home. It wasn’t home. How could it be? It was led by a bunch of murderers. 

Just like Carmel, apparently. 

His heart clenched at the thought and his chest hurt. His head hurt too. It was too much, everything was too much, and for the first time since he was a child he went to sleep without proper prayer. All he could muster the energy to do were a few sentences mumbled under his breath, before he lied down and slipped under the blanket. He didn’t even change into his pyjamas. 

My life  I know it’s never really been mine   So do with it whatever You like   

Judah had expected there to be some kind of agitation or restlessness the next day, some consequence for what had happened last night – instead everything was as calm and peaceful as always. Nothing had changed. As he stood in the kitchen, waiting for the water to boil, he wondered if it had all just been a dream. Back in Zak someone would’ve already come knocking at the door, ready to take him in for questioning. Nothing escaped Darrell and “The Zakkaites” attention. But there was no knocking, no doorbell, no calls. 

Despite feeling exhausted, he did manage to get dressed and attend the 12 o’clock service, half expecting people to give him judgemental or knowing looks, but everyone just smiled at him. Kindness and trust.  

Proverbs 28:13 – Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. 

He sat down next to the baker, a woman named Sarah, and tried to calm down. At this rate, people were bound to figure out that something is wrong, it was basically written in his face. As if on cue, Sarah nudged him, “Are you alright? You are looking pale.” 

“Yeah, I just didn’t sleep well,” he replied, which technically wasn’t a lie. 

Sarah nodded and squeezed his hand, “Maybe try and take a nap once you’re back home. You deserve some rest.” 

Luke 8:17 – For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.   

The service seemed to pass in the blink of an eye while also seeming to last forever. The Reverend had talked about guilt and regret and penance. About how everyone could be forgiven. Judah was ready to go and ask if the Reverend had a moment, that he needed to tell him something, but before he had the chance someone grabbed his arm. 

“You ready to talk?” Esther said, piercing blue eyes seemingly staring right into his soul. 

“Actually, I was going to-” he began, but she cut him off, “Great, let’s go then.” 

With that, she turned around and pulled him with her. He was to stunned to react at first, and didn’t want to draw attention to them either. 

“Esther, wait. We can’t just- I can’t just keep quiet about this. It’s wrong,” he said, managing to pull his arm from her grasp and stop. Esther turned to look at him, then their surroundings, and nodded towards an alley, “Can we at least not do this in the middle of the road?” 

He sighed, “Yeah, sure.” 

They went to the side of the road, just far enough to be out of immediate earshot while also remaining fairly inconspicuous. 

“So, what is it? Did all the talk about sin and forgiveness affect you, or were you planning to run off to the Reverend all along?” Esther said, an edge to her voice that almost felt hostile, but was really just bitterness. He felt sorry for her, wondering if her mind was perhaps being affected by guilt she wasn’t aware she was carrying. 

“I hadn't really made up my mind going in, I wasn’t sure whether all of last night’s... happenings were actually real or just a dream,” he said slowly, “But the Reverend did bring up some good points. Relatable points. Like, I think it was Psalms 32:3-4, ‘When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.’ - don’t you feel that at all?” 

She scoffed, “No. And I strongly doubt David and the Reverend’s other brothers care much about confessing their own wrongdoings either.” 

“But it isn’t our place to judge,” Judah replied, “That’s up to the Lord.” 

“Isaiah 1:17 – ‘Learn to do right; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow.’” Esther said, “Widows like Abigail. Orphans like the children whose mothers pass in that cursed birth house because if they aren’t deemed worthy, they only receive minimal care. They let people die there, Judah.” 

Psalm 120:2 – Save me, Lord, from lying lips and from deceitful thoughts.   

“I’m sorry, Esther, but that’s just really hard to believe,” he said, unable to meet her eyes. 

Some people had gathered in front of the café just a little down the road, watching their quiet but agitated discussion. Esther clenched her jaw and leaned closer, forcing him to look at her, “So let me speak. Tell you what I know, the other perspective. Just hear me out, or are you so unsure in your faith that you worry you could be this easily deceived? If what I say is untrue, don’t you think you’d be able to tell?” 

“If what you say is true it would only prove that I have been deceived already, so how could I trust my own judgement?” he replied, frowning at his insecurity. 

“Whatever. If you don’t want to listen, I can’t make. If you prefer to stay blissfully oblivious, be my guest. And if your ‘guilt’ is so much you insist on running off to the Reverend, sure. They’ll be grateful, and whatever will happen to me... well, I have no regrets. I only do what I deem to be right and just. And if I could go back in time, I’d do it all over again,” Esther stepped away from him and straightened her posture, putting on a neutral expression, “Just one more thing for you to consider: Proverbs 11:13 – ‘A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret’. Make of that what you will.”   

Everything I once held dear  I count it all as lost 

Hearing his brother’s words come from Esther’s mouth was like a punch to the gut, and he kept staring at the space she had stood even after she had left. He felt sick. How could it be that the past he had so desperately tried to escape from and forget was catching up to him now? Did Esther know Darrell, or was it just chance? He didn’t know what to believe anymore, his thoughts and feelings in complete disarray, and he prayed for some kind of sign that would show him the right way. 

The touch of a hand on his shoulder snapped him out of his thoughts and his gaze met Sarah’s worried expression, “Judah, dear, are you alright? You really aren’t looking well.” 

He just stared at her for a moment and opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. 

Sarah gently took his arm and lead him across the street, towards the café, “Come, take a seat and have a glass of water. Take a moment to calm down, you seem troubled.” 

“I- yeah, that’s probably a good idea,” he replied, voice raspy and almost inaudible. 

They found a table right by the window, and the small crowd that had formed dispersed on Sarah and Judah’s arrival. He still felt eyes on him, people watching while walking out. He told himself they were just concerned for his well-being, but it didn’t feel quite right. 

It didn’t even take five minutes for a glass of water to be brought while Sarah sat across from him, holding his hand and keeping a watchful eye on him. It was only when he picked up the glass to take a sip that he realised he was shaking, but thankfully Sarah didn’t comment. He didn’t feel like talking about his past. He didn’t even want to think about it. 

“You really shouldn’t spend too much time with Esther,” Sarah said, gentle voice having a surprisingly serious edge to it. 

He met her gaze, brows furrowed in confusion, “Why not?” 

“She’s a bad influence. Hiding it well, though,” the older woman replied, “Her parents have been trying to rein her in for years now, but despite acting all nice and proper on the surface, people know she’s secretly up to no good.” 

“But... isn’t she one of the main people planning the gardens? And doing a lot of tutoring in the community centre?” 

Sarah sighed, “As I said, she is hiding it well. Just, be careful. Don’t blindly believe what she says, and be prepared for her trying to use her past as a means to gain you sympathy.” 

The way Sarah was talking about and describing Esther was so different from what he had seen and her tone rubbed him the wrong way. Despite trying to keep her voice concerned and caring, there was clear judgement. Especially the last part of her sentence sounded almost deprecating. “Her past? What about it?” 

“Her older siblings died in a car accident when she was fourteen, she didn’t take it well and started acting up afterwards, running away and doubting the Lord. It got better – or at least more subdued – once she turned eighteen,” she explained, turning to wistfully look out of the window, “She used to be such a good girl, you know? Well behaved, polite, gentle, earnest. Then her sister started getting into her head, telling the poor child Lord-knows-what. The accident was the last straw, and no matter how well she pretends to have returned to that innocent and pious girl she used to be... it is hard to believe. People don’t just change overnight. There’s still something wrong with her, that I am certain of.” 

Judah’s stomach twisted, every single word making the feeling stronger, and by the time Sarah had finished speaking, he was feeling nauseated. No matter how hard the older woman had tried to obscure her acrimony towards Esther, attempting to cover it behind pretend compassion and melancholy, it had seeped through, her words dripping resentment. In all the time he had been here, he had never seen anyone express such negativity. Maybe it was a slip-up on Sarah’s part, or maybe he hadn’t paid attention. Either way, he wanted to get out and have some space to think. 

tag? tag: @probably-a-plant-thing @solmints-messyocdiary @visceravalentines @goldrose-star @rottent33th @immortal-velociraptor @myers-meadow @ace-of-hearts-and-spades

remember, remember, the fifth of November to tell me if you don't want to be tagged, I know all the AU and OC stuff isn't for everyone, not everyone cares about all OCs etc. I won't be offended, promise <3

[catchingbigfish]

writer q&a tag game

thank you for the tag, @words-after-midnight!! reading your answers after beta reading libaw is wild, i understand so much now lmao

i'm going to leave this as an open tag for anyone who wants to join!!

1. What is your absolute all-time favorite idea you've ever had?

so it goes, for sure.

2. Is there a question you've been asked in the past that really stands out to you and you still think about sometimes?

this is a weird answer, but an undergrad professor asked if a short story i turned in was the first chapter to a novel. it wasn't, and i tried for years to turn it into one, but he was wrong the whole time -- it was definitely not meant to be a novel. i think about that now because it reminds me that sometimes a story is meant to be a story, or a novel is meant to be a novel, and i don't have to try to shoehorn a story into an inappropriate format. (i have to keep re-learning this lesson, btw. i recently tried *again* to make that thing a novel.)

3. What is your favorite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

i absolutely love the way writing is an exorcism for me. even my found footage inspired short story helped me excavate and get rid of certain feelings, but on its surface it just seems like a fun horror movie treatment. my favorite part of the process is the language -- i love words and i love rearranging them until they sing off the page. i also find it so much easier to communicate in writing and love how it gives me the chance to connect with people.

the most difficult part of writing for me is not getting lost playing around in the story i've created. keeping a plot moving at a steady pace is my biggest difficulty. i still enjoy the challenge, but if i could just ghostwrite for people with better plots, i might consider it! also, what nico said about the state of publishing is why i stopped writing after college for such a long stretch.

4. What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

it's like scratching an itch for me, honestly. i don't know why i need to write, but i've done it since i was a kid, and it's always been there with me.

5. What is the best piece of advice you've ever read or been given as a writer?

my url is a reference to Catching the Big Fish by David Lynch, my favorite filmmaker. he talks about creativity in it, and full disclosure he is *heavily* into the transcendental meditation cult and credits that as his biggest source of creativity, buuuut what it really did for me was remind me that our imaginations are infinite and incredibly powerful at what it does.

6. What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

along the same theme as my previous answers: i wish i knew my imagination was enough and i don't have to compare my ideas to others', and that i can trust my own intuition about a story. (repeat after me: elle, that story is a short story, not a fucking novel)

7. What is your favorite story you've written TO COMPLETION? Link it if you'd like and can!

answering so it goes feels like cheating because i don't feel like it's actually complete, but my backup answer is a poem.

8. What is your favorite out-of-the-box quote?

i really like this line from the very first draft of so it goes: "She made her way back out to the street where the sun hadn’t risen and nothing had changed at all."

9. Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

right now, Rosalyn from conversion is my most interesting character because of this. Rosalyn -- and the rest of the primary characters -- use feminist theory to justify what is essentially health fraud and dangerous alternative medicine beliefs. i don't agree with them, but i fully understand how they got to this perspective, which is why i'm so interested in the topic and am writing it in the first place!

10. If you when you first started writing met you now, what would younger you think?

i don't mean to brag, but my younger self would think my current self rocks so fucking hard lol. to be fair, i had a *very* limited idea of what life could be like, so having cleared that bar she set wouldn't be a challenge to most people! the fact that i still write would be enough for them to fawn over me, i think.

[firespirited]

It'd been a while since I'd done a r-dblr purge (mark red and block if they are actively cruel to trans people within the first page of their blog. You'd think feminist issues would be the bulk of posting, it's r-dical feminism after all and all the issues are ongoing. BTW I don't block people for hating men, they have a right to vent and it takes time to understand the systems at play that do allow for decent men even if you're not ready to to partner with any cishet ones) I probably marked and blocked 150 today, many 18-24 years old, lots of them lonely.

Doing the scan of a blog to make sure I'm not marking someone who didn't get the dogwhistles in a bigoted post means you see a lot of the content they're angry about.

I too hate porn unless it's safe sane and enthusiastically consensual.

That means performers who know exactly what they are getting into, who have alternatives if they want a different job and can set boundaries without being pushed or blacklisted for it. The majority of porn doesn't fit but the advent of amateur, onlyfans and ethical studios gives people options to view porn where no-one is hurt.

I also believe that all viewers need to know that pron is sex stunts and some things will not work for them, cause chafing or stds, cause injury if perfomed for real. That should be part of the viewing, a little PSA 'don't try this at home we're actors, we rehearsed the hair pulling so no-one's scalp got torn and switched condoms and edited it out'. Honestly I find most of the porno tropes misogynistic, macho and racist even though we've mostly left gonzo behind.

Straight Male performers aren't allowed to be shown as into their partner... when behind the scenes they get quite tender, briefly besotted with their partner when it's not an ego driven star.

I also have hard boundaries about what kind of porn a partner would watch. I pay extra for no slavery in my chocolate and expect a partner diligent enough to get their porn from people not getting boundaries violated or work injuries.

But there's no nuance to rdfm anti porn stances. They're going off trafficking victims and Linda Lovelace's speeches when sex work like marriage is a whole spectrum from a heinous crime to chosen job. And we have the ability to hear from all of these women. What they really want from their industry, from activists, from society at large. The in person full contact sex workers I've known were doing it so they could be present during the day for their children or get a higher education without their study time consumed by a low wage job. Another was seeking validation and briefly being loved, her rl relationships kept imploding because it was never enough or she'd push them to see if they'd love her anyway. That wasn't exactly sane. But you can't force anyone into getting meds and therapy if they're not ready.

There were articles about how marriage hurts women who must leave their family and join the husbands and instead of talking about the part of the research that showed that women who got men to move in with them were able to negotiate better work and pay equality, it was just desist and kill all men.

Funnily enough it's my "not really feminist", "don't like the term" , mum who originally sent me the study with a quote from Moses in genesis explaining Gd's guidelines "Therefore a man must leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife". Funny how many abramic religious marriages ignore that you can't be momma's boy and a husband and definitely not move your wife in with your folks.

Anyway that's this month's observations, those who actually did have 2nd wave posts on top of hating on transness are very young and are often starting out with the non black non queer reading from 30 years ago after a superficial lib fem alignment with zero reading. Often in college or just out of college having been 'peaked' against what they perceive to be mainstream feminism after seeing crime and inequality statistics. If you're interested in reducing terfs, a good place to start is outreach and local online bookclub where you can get the word of intersectionality and sisterhood out before the gcs groom them.

There is an initial curiosity, there is still that spark but it is being answered with unnuanced conclusions with simple explanations and "solutions" that shut down futher investigation.

There were also a couple of detrans afabs who will probably choose to be gnc or non binary or retransition when they're more comfortable with how they can be men. This is a systematic problem with trans medicalism that wants to stick people into binary boxes and insist they perform masc men and femme women. That's not a patient based approach and it's part of the conservative restrictions on the way gender care is allowed to exist at the fringes of healthcare.