#also. this whole blog is gonna be hella content for self

[foxingpeculiar]

AC6 Blogging:

Behold, for I have vanquished the mighty ice worm! On the third try, too. The first one I restarted cos I was just like… overwhelmed: it’s very hard to track and that stun needle thing does NOT fire quickly. The second time I got blown up once it got to its final stage where it’s going all nuts. Third time was the charm.

Terminal armor is fucking great, by the way. I’ve won multiple fights now (Rusty in the arena; Raven in the campaign) with 00001 AP because of that mod. Still rocking the same build I was before, although 1) I painted it red because I was finding it too hard to take the story seriously with the whole Hello Kitty thing, and 2) post-ice worm, I just got some new bell bottom-lookin’ legs I’m interested to try out. I tried a couple different armaments (including a very snazzy-looking laser rifle), but haven’t found one I like better for the RF slot than the Gatling gun. Gonna try this machine gun though. Also just switched out my booster for the first time in a minute, but have felt no need to fuck with the generator or FCS—my outputs are fine.

Also, breezed through B-rank arena. That one dude was giving me grief the other night, but this afternoon I got through him and everyone else (if by the skin of my teeth, as previously noted) in one try.

Story reflections:

It feels like the pace of the story kicked up a notch in the last few missions. I met (and blew up) a previous Raven, which I suspect is an allusion to the earlier games in the series? But I don’t know. They seem more principled than just about anyone else, so that’s something.

Then there was the journey back into the cave, wherein 2 things stood out to me. 1) The phrase “deploy Ibis,” in response to some kind of “mutation.” Which seems to suggest the whole Fires of Ibis catastrophe wasn’t some kind of accident or natural occurrence—it was intentionally done to destroy something specific. And 2) Learning more about Dolmayan and what his whole deal is. He seems, from the recovered writing, kinda… a few marbles short of a full bag, let’s say, but then again I am also hearing a disembodied female voice, so who am I to say?

It was interesting watching the two corporations and the RaD all come together, and even flatter one another (I’m thinking of that one Red Guns guy trying to convince Rusty to come to the “other side,” that bit). Especially after listening to Ayre talk about Raven (the other one), that ambivalence kind of underlines the whole… unprincipled nature of everyone here. Hired guns following orders from self-interested manipulators, no real consideration of the actual consequences of their actions by anyone. All that. That seems very much at the heart of this game.

I’m still not sure what Ayre means when she describes the Coral as her family. She calls herself a wave in the ocean (or something like that) but like… that’s sort of vague. Whatever she/it is, it’s obviously related to 1) what Dolmayan encountered, 2) whatever was mutating that precipitated Ibis, and 3) whatever it is Walter is actually after here.

The PS5 screen tells me I’m 60% through the game. So we’ll see. And I’ve been told that doing an NG+ run is pretty essential cos there’s different content, so I might zoom through one of those once I’m done.

In other video game news, I’ve got Tears of the Kingdom on deck, I just downloaded Sea of Stars, and I’ve decided to get myself an Xbox and Starfield for my birthday because I’m a grown-ass person and I can afford it. I’ve never had any of the Xboxes, but as I understand it, 1) the Series X is hella backward compatible, and 2) Game Pass is a thing. Which opens up a lot of possibilities.

[jay-simps]

A Little Surprise!

[Jasper x Spinel x Y/N]

Chapter 1 (Epilogue) - Friday Afternoon

Jasper - Orange

Spinel - Pink

Y/N - Blue

"Guys! I'm home!" You said out loud as you got home from a tiring day at work/school. You were glad it was the weekend. You didn't hear or see anyone. But there was a note on the coffee table in the living room. You read it, written in pink glitter pen. An obvious mark of Spinel. "Hi, we have a little surprise for you in the bedroom. Can't wait!" It was signed with a heart in the same pink glitter ink, and a larger orange one also in glitter pen. Obviously Jasper was in on this too.

As you walked to the bedroom, you remember that Spinel had been so excited when you offered to help them learn writing and reading. Jasper didn't want to as much, but sat through your lessons anyways. You suspected she just didn't want to be un-included. Which made sense, you didn't blame her.

As you opened the door, you were immediately greeted by Spinel laying on the bed. You greeted her. But something was wrong.. where was Jasper? You realized a second too late as the large orange woman grabbed you in a bear hug, having been hiding behind the door. "Gotcha!" They both laughed, as the bait that was Spinel got up and coiled her arms around the both of you, pushing you further in the hug. "You have been working so hard recently. And it's Friday. So we are going to pamper you allll-weekend!" Jasper chimed in "You aren't going to lift a finger more! We are going to handle everything"

You sigh, leaning into their hug, letting yourself go limp in their arms. They could both handle it, you assured yourself. Jasper carried the two of you to the large bed you all shared, simply laying down still in the hug. "Guuys.. I still need to change out of my work clothes and shower!" Spinel huffed, Jasper playfully grunting out a "fine" as they both let you up. You gave both of them a kiss and got your clothes and went to the bathroom to shower and change.

You soon came back, clean and dressed in comfy clothes. Almost immediately upon seeing the bathroom door open, Spinel leaped over and scooped you up, carrying you to the bed where Jasper was laying, placing you between them. "Hiya, ya workaholic. Now you're gonna be pampered all- weekend!" Jasper wrapped her large, strong arms around the two of you. You let yourself be pulled into the cuddle, relaxing. "Hungry? We have been learning how to cook to try and help you!" You told them how it was fine, you could cook. It truly wasn't a problem. But Spinel hushed you by stretching her hand up to your mouth, making a 'shh' gesture with the one finger. "Nonsense. We can do it. Ya get to rest after takin' care of us soooo~ long." You playfully sighed and let them help. This was enjoyable.

After cuddling for a while, just enjoying each other's company, they decided to make you something to eat. It was about the time you ate dinner anyhow. As Spinel went to go find a cookbook or some instructions, Jasper carried you back to the living room and gently kissing you. She was such a gentle giant when she wanted to be. When you first met them, she was rough and destructive. Since them, with your help, she's let you in, to be more comfortable and just be herself.

Eventually Spinel shouted from the kitchen. "Well how am I supposed to get anything done if you're ogling Y/N, huh? Get over here and help me ya goofball." True enough, Jasper and you had been sitting on the couch, making out. The buff tangerine playfully grumbled and got up, throwing a blanket over your legs. You smiled at her as she walked into the kitchen, comically big for any of the utensils. Spinel had already put several ingredients and a wisk into a bowl, and handed it to Jasp. "Get mixin', doll. Please." She added a polite word to show she was just playing. Jasper gave her a smile, already mixing the bowl's contents as Spinel got out a pan and spatula. "Of course, captain" Jasper had her own sarcasm at this one, but kissed the top of Spinel's head.

You were just enjoying watching them cook. Eventually they came to you. Jasper had plates, forks, and a tortillero, setting them on the table. Spinel had raided a lot of different things. Butter, berries, maple syrup, honey, whipped cream, and other things. "We made pancakes!" You smiled at them, getting up and sitting at the table too, thanking them.

After eating a great dinner of breakfast foods, your partners carried you back to the bedroom to get all three of you cleaned up for bed and to just chill and relax. You three did just that for a few hours. Eventually you fell asleep, having been sitting between them. They carefully tucked you and themselves in, making sure all three of you were comfy. Thus ended the first night of your pampered weekend. You really loved them and they loved you.

[userpoe]

Do you have any Poe fanfic recommendations? 🌞

*clears throat in “i definitely haven’t spent the last three months reading nothing but Poe fanfic”* I sure do, Nonnie (can I call you Sunny? Sunshine? I’m digging the emoji)! I’ve got quite the mixture of fics in my bookmarks, and I’m gonna put some of them under the cut here! You can find all my recs (and my own fics!) over at my ao3 or for reader fics, on my blog @luminouspoes

world's stopped spinning by liquidsky: mostly damerey, but has a lot of good jedistormpilot content/build up in it as well

sleep for today by braigwen_s: I will never shut up about Braigwen’s Poe and Leia fics this is a simple fact of life and there will be more of their fics on this list I promise you that. 

Always comes around again by Elenothar: this fic was not an easy read but in the best possible way. It broke my heart and then repaired it a dozen times over. TLJ AU, timeloop, excellent Poe and Leia content, I still haven’t recovered.

Stand up, Stand your ground by Elenothar: I’m in love with this fic, but be mindful of the warnings! Poe decides to start up self-defense classes for the Resistance.

The Art of Falling by @brandyllyn: the first reader fic of the list. the slowburn..fellas...the slowburn ended me. The BANTER. THE SLOWBURN. THE ANNOYANCES TO LOVERS OF IT ALL *screams into my pillow* literally just any of their Poe fic is just *chef’s kiss* 

Squad Goals by igrockspock: cAN WE SAY!!! RESISTANCE! FOUND! FAMILY! FEELS! Set post TLJ, is utterly gorgeous, has some really soft Poe x Kaydel in it 

dancing around the point of it by braigwen_s: I have yet to recover from this one and I doubt I ever will

matchmaker.exe by nighimpossible: another damerey fic! I just read this one this afternoon and I’m here for BB-8 being a tiny little matchmaker.

 Take a Gamble by ChronicCatalina: another reader fic! This one is a lot of fun, there’s sarcasm, undercover shenanigans, PLENTY of fun tropes to play around with, also BANTER (hi are we detecting a pattern in what I go for in fics yet)

Close To Me by kimmyiewrites (arosetosomeone): poe x oc! I’m only *squints* nine? ten? chapters into this fic so far and I started it a couple of days ago but it’s SO GOOD and ties into canon in a lot of fun ways anD FEATURES MY SON KAZ SO YOU KNOW THAT MAKES ME HAPPY

all the blood that i would bleed by immolationfox: CAN WE SAY JEDISTORMPILOT YES WE CAN. HURT/COMFORT! CUDDLEPUDDLES! 

Meteor Showers by @bee-dameron: another reader fic, and it’s just. so damn good. you want soft poe? uh huh we got that. you want black squadron found family feels? GOT THAT TOO? a hella relatable reader character? THAT TOO. 

friends? by @yoditorian: reader fic and honestly Liz had no right to go this hard or this soft and now any potential canon explanation to how Poe got BB-8 will ever compare to this fic I’m sorry Lucasfilm u can just pack it up and go now, thank you.

nobody compares to you by @commandersousa: SPEAKING OF HAVING NO RIGHT TO GO THIS SOFT, oh my god this fic is my bread and butter I cry at how soft it is we are NOT worthy. (reader fic)

Across The Hall by @starryeyedstories: boy if I thought canon!poe was the perfect man??? Nothing has made me yearn for a character quite like Across The Hall has. I Would Like A Poe Dameron in my life, thank you very much (reader fic)

in my head by @grumpyeagle: soulmate au that’s killing me slowly with the pining I love it sm! especially with the whole music thing going on, y’know how I am with music (reader fic)

like real people do by @okay-hotshot: celeste’s prose is SO beautiful and the buildup and history in this fic is so good, and the cherry on top is the hozier vibes/title. we love to see it (reader fic)

tell it to the stars by @writefightandflightclub: this fic is so good and so soft and sweet and hits so many of my favorite tropes I love it a lot and it’s a really relaxing read (reader fic)

[dyingunknown-blog]

BEGINNINGS + GENDER

As said in the introduction: this is a selfish blog where I rant about myself and my feelings. Here goes my first ramble. Within this ramble contains bits of: gender, femininity,  sexuality and eating disorders. Y’know, the usual mix of edgy Tumblr content. I am posting this in celebration of Pride Month (!!! YAY!!! I HONESTLY LOVE PRIDE MONTH) but also because I’ve had this build up in my heart for too long. 

A NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN...

I know you (reader) cannot hear me doing this, so imagine me (author) taking a deep breath, filling my semi spacious lungs, and releasing all that pent up air with a heavy sigh. 

Here we fucking go. Here’s to tip of the iceberg, from 4 years of pent up gay shit to recent moments of gentle gender dysmorphia. Do not expect my writing to be fully coherent, nor written in the best grammar. I am writing for my own therapeutic needs, because I gotta get some of this energy released and I have nowhere else to dump this. This piece is a full on rant, as in I literally wrote this angrily tapping away at 2-4 am. However, I’d like to mention that I mean no offence to any parties, and simply want to vent out some of the deep thoughts I’ve been pacing around for the past few years. Feel free to send me a message regarding your personal feelings, or to just chat. I’m always here as a friend and listener <3 

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

I think I owe myself and you (reader) an explanation on where things began to really start. The main “spark” that got me going and prompted me to start this blog was when I found myself unable to stop playing songs by Dorian Electra. Actually-- to be honest-- it was the music videos that really got me going. The glorious explosion of just “QUEER” screaming and banging its head at my 13 inch Mac Book Pro got me extremely inspired to actually do something about the gross reactions of confusion that were occurring in my brain and body. As Dorian Electra put it, “You know I’m not straight, but I’m gonna give it straight to you.” So here’s my best shot at “giving it straight.” 

By the way... I’m from a fairly traditional family with high hopes for me, so the most freedom I can really grasp onto is starting an anonymous Tumblr blog at 2 am laying naked with just my underwear on. 

PERSONAL TOPIC 1: GENDER...

So here’s the thing, I stick to my biological birth gender like it’s my lifeline-- my comfort zone-- I guess, if anything. I personally feel like gender and sexuality have their own little symbiotic (or perhaps parasitic???) relationship, where one’s gender impacts their sexuality-- but I can also accept that my understanding is probably not politically correct. I can say, however, with a heavy heart: 

I am utterly fucked when I think about my gender and sexuality. 

I’ll take it easy first and rope down my feelings towards my gender and its definition. I jokingly scream in the halls that gender is a social construct, but let’s be honest-- is it not?  Other than our dongle-longs and hoochie-has, what makes a woman different from a man? I mean maybe it is just the sausage and the grapefruit, but I’d like to argue that... Just kidding, the more I think about it the more I fall into a rabbit hole where I can’t figure out what a male is and what a female is. I mean what are they? Is it based off of the definition I provide for myself, or what society conveniently slams into my face? Is the LGBTQ+ community the people who get to decide or is it the Westboro Baptist Church??? 

Note: these are not a rhetorical question, please answer this to your opinion because I’m in desperate need of some kind of direction beyond biology. I accept all ideologies and concepts. I’m just hella confused. 

Ehem.

Anyways, my own battle with gender goes beyond not knowing where the “line” is, or if it even exists (again, I’m still not sure if this is a personal question or something based on society...) It also goes into where I stand on this polarised scale. See-- I have a bean, a hole, and melons. Alas, in slightly more proper terms, I have a clitoris, vagina and breasts. So what does that mean for me? Am I automatically a woman? For the first 17 years of my life, I would respond to that question with a VERY confident nod. Pink was once my favourite colour, I like boys, dresses, cute animals and romcoms. My physical body only went to assure what I already knew. Now? I’m not so sure. As it is more acceptable nowadays to be “queer,” I’ve slid into the an identity crisis where I realise I’ve never revelled in the fact that I had tiddies, nor felt comfortable about having a coochie. I used to blame my confusion regarding my comfort in my biological gender on the growing queer influences in my life-- after all, everyone wants to be special and sometimes being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is the best way to stand out, especially when it’s being shoved in your face with media. Everyone who comes out of the closet is faced with incredible amounts of love and attention, and my younger self thought “maybe I should get on the boat” hence, labelling myself as bisexual for the longest time without truly feeling like I am (until in recent years.)  I blamed my confusion in identity and sexuality on the attention whore who lived inside of my heart. My feelings were only justified as true this year, when I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but to feel unhappy with what I presented myself with. Undies clad with a slightly cropped black muscle tank, I could see the linings of a “V” line on my lower abdomen and felt kinda hot about it. I did the annoying fuckboy pose (you know, the one where the guy is biting his shirt to reveal his oh-so-humble six pack) and found it... kinda fun? I did have a 36D underboob flail around, but my focus was more on my bottom half, with my Victoria Secret blue lace underwear and masculine illusion.  It wasn’t like a grand glorious moment, nor was it like I was the tomboy of the house and everyone just “knew” and I only had to convince myself. Instead, it was an anti-climatic moment where I realised “fuck, I have another problem on my hands that I can’t ignore anymore.” 

I don’t know if I truly identify as female or male. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to identify myself, but that’s the 30% of my consciousness who is super queer, chill and cool. See, the other 70% of my mind is going in a frenzy screaming, because I just lost one of my key defining attributes. Think that episode of Spongebob, where Spongebob’s brain cells are screaming and throwing papers around the office setting of his brain.

Another question has also become increasingly relevant in my journey of finding my “true inner zen self.” 

Who am I choosing my gender for?

In 2018, and most of the years before, I adored being loved by boys and having guys waggle their dicks like dog tails for my tits and ass, but in 2019, I randomly figured out that I never liked my boobs for anything but that. I mean having an hourglass figure was always (and still is) a goal of mine, but I question for what reason. I’d like to say it’s for personal aesthetic appeal, but it wouldn’t be surprising to me if I just do it so people will like me more. In fact, I battled with bulimia for the very reason of: I don’t know what the fuck I want or like, but  the crowd likes “skinny thick” girls so lets do that by purging. Am I currently wearing a waist trainer and corset on top of each other because I like the outcome, or because the people around me like me more for it? I’m trying really hard not to segue into the alluring topic of toxic femininity, because I can rant for HOURS AND PAGES about that, so I’ll just say: I don’t know if I’m being a girl for myself or because I’ll be more liked for it. 

In all honesty, the truth regarding my gender became clearer the more I self conscious I became. In 2018, I fell into the trap of sending boys nudes (apologies for the TMI and sorry family if you somehow came across my blog and are currently reading this.)  I liked it for a millisecond. Why? Because it felt good to have someone desperate for me. That millisecond died off real fast. My own thoughts pooped my nude Alpha Female party with insecurity and fear of how my body compares to other girls my age. Three days after the first nude I sent I realised I hate my body. I felt empowered in the moment (honestly I do love the feeling of tease. I still do send ohohoho raunchy pics for the pure euphoria of just having someone crave me) but overall just left the experience with lingering guilt and self hatred. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this to please myself or others. I also abhor taking nudes, because I do not think I embody femininity and dislike my body for that very reason. Identifying as male makes me far more comfortable than as identifying as a female. I might have tits, I might have soft facial features, but I just don’t like how I mentally feel like I can’t compare to the unrealistic standard of femininity that women uphold. I spent my whole life trying to  tick the boxes under “female,” but always felt like I was just doing the bare minimum... Hence my past is full of desperation, the need to show skin for the sake of proving I’m “sexy” and being perfectly fine with getting mislabeled as a slut at school. Nowadays, I show skin because I’m comfortable and am learning to love my body. I am not okay with slut shaming in general, but I am most definitely not okay with being called a slut either because I’m still a fucking virgin. So hun, I really do wish I could call myself a slut and have that much game, but I’m very far from that.

Anyways, uh more on my gender crisis:  I’ve also always adored mens fashion and absolutely revel the aura of being the “alpha.” Ever since my middle school days, I’d secretly snoop around and envy the men’s section of Barney’s and Saks, because it just looks so damn cool. Excuse my lack of “high quality language,” I can hear my English teacher sighing about my lack of “professional” or “appropriate” language, but I really can’t express my feelings regarding mens fashion other than it’s fucking cool. I must say though, my style of clothing and expression of self doesn’t stop itself at mens fashion. In fact, I enjoy dressing to exhort a more dominant presence, whether it’s with a short denim skirt and tight crop top or a loose fitting silk blouse and skinny jeans with a belt. So I guess in a way, my fashion and what I feel comfortable in explains my gender for me. A little bit of both and a little bit of neither. Although the next step would definitely be playing around with my hair and piercing, but I think my traditional family would whoop my ass to the moon if I do it now, and I can’t say I’m not scared of regrets. I just want to discover myself a little more this year...

Regardless, I just wanna further clarify that I don’t feel comfortable being put as female, male or hell-- even androgynous.

And I gotta say, after holding this in and denying it for 4 years, it feels damn good to type it out and admit it.

 In deciding to be a “gender”, there are standards. Deciding to be anything comes with the price of standards. I just can’t personally handle not being able to fit into the standards there are for them... Especially now since people are so bothered on being politically correct, so if I’m “not being properly androgynous” or “not properly female,” I’ll get shit on, and if I’m not accepted by the mass majority, I’ll feel societal hate mixed with self hatred. 

I also want to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I have the right to be confused or declare a gender because I’ve been on the judgemental side before. 

In middle school one of my close friends moved away, and soon later began to label themselves as gender fluid. It was such a new concept that I initially thought that they were doing it as a publicity stunt, but slowly realised that it is indeed who they are. I wasn’t hateful, but I can’t say I’m innocent, even if it was when I was far younger and less understanding. I remember when they first started using their current pronouns, I was confused on how to utilise them and initially disregarded them. Today, I regret my ignorance. Misgendering can always be a mistake, but it can also be extremely spoiled, belittling and condescending. So even though I know someone that probably went through a similar journey as I am today, I feel guilty asking them about it because of the shit I gave them when I was 14.

 Additionally, I’m scared of being wrong about myself. I can’t describe it too well, but I’m just scared that I’ll slip up a wrong opinion and then be automatically thrown into the can of “special snowflake wannabe LGBTQ+” when in reality: I truly feel like I’m not of “cisgender” or anything normal. I don’t want to dip too deep into my history with crippling anxiety and experiences with depression, but I will say that I can’t help but to hate myself for being queer too.. Alas, I’ll have to learn how to get over that and continue loving myself, but what the hell am I going to do now? 2k words later and things aren’t exactly clearer, but I can (somewhat) confidently say that I know what I’ll do (for now.) 

As of today, June 17, 2019, I have decided to not give a fuck and to simply just identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t feel comfortable identifying as male, female, neither, both, gender fluid, or anything else. I will simply put off gender and let people call me by whatever pronoun they want.

I just wanna be me. 

Until I find out something else, or become more comfortable with myself, or gather the confidence to “come out of the closet” and stop being so selfish and finally decide what the hell I am, it’ll probably just be like this for awhile.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with that.

[coalessscence]

The Big Mun Questionnaire Thingamajig— answer these questions then tag 20 blogs you’d like to know better!

tagged by: @patiencetaught !! thank u sm my babe! tagging: UHHH ok imma try my best here, @zerotoherc, @gentlegently, @dvstv, @infcrtunii, @gvtshct, @skepticspooked, @skepticreal, @kradljivac, @bruadcr, @prctextlve, @amourfugitif, @keepgcing, @17escapes, @scaredvicious, @surrepo-iuvenisdomina, @withhclding, @femmeveined, @dyingthing, @thriceflamed, @axisii I THINK THATS 2O OF U and uhhhh whoever else wants to ???

nicknames: none that i know of?

zodiac: libra

height: 5′ 2

time: 9:24 a.m.

favourite band / artist: it’s hard for me to have just One (1) fave but if forced to arbitrarily make a choice i will say currently working fave is a toss up between panic! at the disco and marina & the diamonds, all time fave regardless of the fact that they are not together anymore is triumph, and/or rik emmet as a solo artist after triumph broke up, even though he’s now getting ready to retire

song stuck in my head: literally was humming “fuck up” by shane dawson all last night and this morning. i am currently listening to twtltrtd (its a panic album that has a long ass name dw abt it lol) so technically its not in my head rn but im sure it will be later.

last movie i saw: in my psych class we had to watch that movie with all the emotions in the girl’s head that the “do you ever wonder what is going on inside someone’s head” meme is from what is it called akdhffhg UPDATE: after much meme googling the last movie i saw is called inside out

last thing i googled: literally the entire text of the what is going on inside their head meme to find the name of that movie lol but before that, it was ‘sniper elite 3 siwa oasis’ bc i was looking smth up for my dad who was stuck on a level in a video game lol

other blogs: i no longer have any other rp blogs, just this one!

do i get asks: sometimes i do get memes and sometimes i even get those kindness campaign or similar messages which is hella rad and y’all are a buncha babes ok ily

why did i choose this username: uuuuh so basically i had like, a LOT of single muse blogs and brought them all together to this multi. so the word coalesce was relevant bc to coalesce means “to come together, to form one mass or a whole”. coalescence is like, the verb?? version of that word ??? idk how grammar works but basically thats the other tense of coalesce and it looked pretty so i chose it. then i just added S’s until the url wasn’t taken and here we are lol

following: 709 i need 2 stop

average amount of sleep: like, 5-6????

what i’m wearing: normally i make an effort to display Style and Fashion (tm) but atm i’m in pajamas lol rip i guess

dream job: i rly want to be an entertainer ???? like idk. i wanna have a youtube channel. i wanna get to work on tv somehow, i wanna be on a radio show or podcast, i wanna write a book,  i wanna put out an album and tour on it, i wanna be a model. i wanna build my own career based on doing a lot of different kinds of things that are fun for me to do and even more fun for other people to consume as content/media, but find the common thread in all of those things being my brand??? which sounds literally crazy i know but idk. with the internet doing what the internet has done for everyone i think its more possible now than ever so who knows. but i’m going to school for computer science so idk if that will EVER happen lol

dream trip: i honestly don’t know.... there are places i wanna go, like japan, but idk. i RLY wanna do that thing where you go from one end of the US to the other on the amtrak train with a good friend ??? and just see my own country and stop off in stations in little towns and see what people’s lives there are like ??? i just think that would be really neat. i’d make a video series about it.

favourite food: nearest food. nearest food is favorite food.

play any instruments: kind of sort of guitar/ukulele/piano also does singing count as an instrument? but at the same time god help me i probably sound terrible at all of them in reality so dont bet on it

eye colour: brown

hair colour: just as brown

languages you speak: english, know some very basic basic spanish and i barely know like five words and 2 of the 3 alphabets in japanese (one day when i have time to do things and can spend less time being Stressed & Depressed (tm)  i would like to be halfway fluent in spanish, japanese, korean, and hawaiian. if the resources become available to do so i would love to learn pottawatomie as well, which is the native language of the tribes where i am from, which is a big part of the culture there still (tho there are dwindling native speakers of the language itself and not a lot of resources atm, altho conservation efforts are being made).

most iconic song: im gonna be honest with you, the first thought i had upon reading this was all star, and i cant say im fully committed but im not gonna sit here for twenty minutes analyzing this answer so ????? its all star fight me

random fact: i need to wash my heckin makeup brushes more often bc damn im a Mess

describe yourself as aesthetic things: a pastel pink shirt that reads ‘empty inside’ in fanciful cursive. bright 80s colorblocking covering the void in your soul. white and gold christmas decor that’s still up mid january. a bed that used to be made but was rumpled by sitting on it. getting a hand cramp from taking notes with a glitter gel pen. a collection of handcreams in various airy scents. a heaviness in your bones that you can’t escape from. the fallout from rainbows of makeup smeared onto a desk. paint chipping off where your wrists touch a laptop from overuse. an adorable hair ribbon paired with a leather jacket. the tragedy of emotion. self deprecation that edges into mirth. being self aware of an unhealthy nature. kawaii smeared by the remains of an emo phase that never happened and invaded by the jewel toned velours of modern day culture.

[akimbohimbo]

haven’t done this in awhile

Issa tag meme, folks! I was tagged by the insufferable @laffayete to do a thing :) (don’t worry i know her irl im allowed to say that) 

This is gonna be hella long so I apologize in advance :’) 

1. What’s the smell of your shampoo? 

bold of u to assume i ever wash my hair 

OFF TO A GREAT START, YEEHAW Y’ALL 

jk but i guess i will NEVER know because my mom doesn’t keep shampoo labels :’) 

2. What’s your aesthetic? 

things that relate to space (pulsars, quasars, the sun, planets) 

nature (sunsets, the sky, forests, oceans) 

minimalism (in terms of cinematography and posters)

i went to japan last summer and i would consider literally everything about it my aesthetic, especially with the way they organize things  

music-related aesthetics 

anything boujee in terms of fashion: trench coats, pea coats, leather jackets, suits, dresses, jumpsuits, literally anything that naomi smalls and manila luzon wear is right up my alley 

the small of a woman’s back, collarbones, jawlines

anything intricately designed (music boxes)

flowers (orchids, daisies, sunflowers, tulips, roses)

just to name a few 

3. What’s your favourite time of day? 

i really like the hour right before a sunset. the clouds usually start to clear and the colours of the sky start to blend with each other. depending on the sunset, everything is temporarily red or blue, and even if it’s a particularly cloudy or rainy day, there’s a gentle light coming from up above that’s just very serene and relaxing. 

i also really like being outside at 3am, albeit that seldom happens. the streets are very quiet, and there’s this sense of peace that floods over me. it’s like, for a moment, i don’t feel overwhelmed and everything is just. calm. 

4. What do you like most about the beach? 

i love the beach. if i’m being honest, i love the memories i have attached to the place more than the place itself. i’ve been to dozens of beaches around the world, which each have their fair share of beautiful physical attributes that one could potentially admire. some beaches have cliffs that tower over its surroundings, while others have turbulent waters that are filled with flora and fauna; some have soft, white sand and others have mouldable sand that can be used to play with. 

5. What do you worry about constantly? 

not doing enough in terms of academics, or friendships, or even just in terms of self-care. i also worry about my constant need to overthink and my hunger for spice in my life?? these days it hasn’t been hectic and it’s what i say i always want, but i hate being bored. i have an addiction to thrill, and that’s not healthy either. there is so much i want to do, but i keep delaying everything because i am afraid anything i do won’t be worthwhile. this is why my friends tell me i need to relax lmao :-) 

6. What is a song you’ve cried to before? 

i literally have playlists reserved for specific moods. i’m too lazy to write out a full playlist bc i put a lot of thought into them but these are the songs that immediately popped into my head that correlate to my current mood:

if i’m being honest by dodie

once you by jacob collier

quelqu’un m’a dit by carla bruni

i’ll cover you (reprise) from rent the musical

maybe from next to normal the musical

ocean wide, canyon deep by jacob collier

burned out by dodie

visions of gideon by sufjan stevens

chicago by sufjan stevens

let’s get lost by elliott smith

you & i by queen

somebody that i used to know by elliott smith

the predatory wasp of the palisades are out to get us! by sufjan stevens

dancing with a ghost by st. vincent

neu roses (transgressor’s song) by daniel caesar

just a few lmao i cry to a lot of songs 

7. What are some relaxing tips for your followers? 

take long walks and listen to some music. allow yourself to catch your breath when things are getting overwhelming and it feels like you can’t get a handle on anything. drink tea, maybe watch a sunset if you have the time. write, write, write your emotions out. watch some funny movies/comedy bits.

8. What are some things that make you tear up? 

whenever my friends show me that they really do care for me and appreciate my existence??? the other day my friend got drunk and sent me a heartfelt text that said that they were grateful for me being there for them despite the fact that i have an overwhelming amount of shit to deal with on my own. it was at like 2am and i literally cried. i like being appreciated. also dogs. and when my friends send me memes that remind them of me. i also really love good music (more specifically, albums that feel complete). wholesome shit. and showing my friends that i appreciate their existence, too.

9. What is your favourite thing from each of the five senses? 

sound: hearing my friends genuinely laugh. the sound of rain and its pitter patter onto a windowsill. orchestral music. guitar riffs. good cello playing. percussion (love me some good beats). jacob collier’s thought process as he says them out loud. IN-TUNE PIANOS. stradivarius violins. daniel caesar’s soft voice. duets. grainy recordings of jazz. 

smell: oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies, fresh barbecue, food in general. the scent on some of my friends (some of them smell like laundry detergent and i love that). onions sizzling on a hot pot.

sight: seeing people smile. more specifically, jacob collier’s smile. dogs. visually aesthetic cinematography. cameras.

touch: silk. cashmere. the playful, soft touch of fingers or lips running along my thighs and/or neck. a thumb gently rubbing onto my hand assuring me everything is going to be okay. the feeling of my fingers as they hop and skid along a piano. a soft kiss on my forehead. 

taste: i will literally eat anything don’t try me. 

10. What is one alternative reality you’d want to be in? 

one where my mind is calm and not constantly confused and unsure of literally everything. one where i know exactly what i want. one where there is no political distress and everyone gets along and people are all decent human beings with a moral backbone stronger than a chocolate eclair. one where i can do things to my fullest potential without having to worry that i didn’t try or do anything hard or well enough.

11. What are some troubles you face on a day to day basis? 

waking up and contemplating whether things are worth it. not to be edgy but i know i could be doing so much more than i am currently doing with my life. also procrastination. 

12. What is one scene of a book that made you really sad? 

honestly? i block off everything sad whenever i read a book, whoops! i guess the one that comes to mind right now is in the third book of the pjo series, when zoe nightshade dies. the whole thing where she was like, “stars, i can see the stars again m’lady.” that was the first time i ever cried while reading a book, and i don’t really cry much when indulging in media. 

13. Say something to your followers 

i like too many things and im sorry that my blog is messy but also i hope u all still enjoy my content WOO i have too many hyperfixations :’)

im supposed to tag people, so uhh here’s a few of my mutuals. you don’t have to do this btw.

@grandtheftpoptart @matteolcerilli @dear-goodbye @stalkhome-sindrone @mercutiowned @somewherebetweensenseandnonsense @mlmneilperry

[kjammofficial]

OP from FB

So apart from watching youtube videos and sharing some reshared content on facebook, I haven't actually been socially active lately.

My messenger is blowing up and I haven't responded to a lot of messages. So, it's not that I'm not replying to you. I'm not replying to EVERYONE. Apart from asking some recommendations and replying to some pages who I need to get in touch with since I have a transaction with them. Other than that, anything else that's personal has just been lying around in my inbox.

Anyway, I've been pretty much out for the count, especially after what happened last time. I'm still pretty bummed out by it so I'm trying my best not to pass on my shit to anybody else. This is definitely going to be a looong ass extensive posts. Coz' here' what I thought, instead of making multiple posts about my shit, I'll just sum it up into one big pile of shit, right?!

First off, if you're selling something, right. Like, you're not a store, but a person just trying to make a living, selling your services, be sure to know how to treat people right. I was speaking with someone about getting some shit done and since I'm not familiar with the process, I had to ask, right? This mofo started laughing and proceed to tell me that I... "should come back and talk to him when I know what I was talking about." In this particular case, pricing. Holy shit the nerve of this dude. Okay, so I lost some money recently, that ain't no secret. But the audacity of this person, telling me, as if I ain't got nothing to pay for the shit I'm asking. You sir just lost 1 good possible customer. You seem to be doing well on your own anyway, but FUCK YOU anyway for looking down on me. I'm not a rich guy, but I know how to work around my finances and I CAN BUY SHIT THAT COSTS WAY MORE THAN WHAT YOU THINK, FUCKER! So yeah, I'll gladly tell more about this via PM if you're interested to know what this is so you too can avoid the person. The lesson here is, don't talk shit to potential customers. Whether you know or just think that they could probably afford shit or not, never straight up laugh at your customer. NEVER!

Alright, so that's enough screen time for that fucker. Next, sooooo.... I forgot what's supposed to be next. I think I was gonna write something about what happened. Oh, right. So, I recently lost my entire paycheck due to some issues around the house, right. This one's a bit too personal and even on private messages, I won't go into details about it. But, here's the thing that's annoying. You know how you prepare for your shit, and even though you're not good at planning. You desperately try to plan things out, just to make sure that you won't astronomically fuck things over by yourself, since you know how much you can get screwed over by your own. Right?! Well, la-dee-daah, look who screwed me over. Someone who didn't prepare for their own shit and now, for some reason, I had to deal with it. What did it cost me? 2 months worth of planning go poof, and 1 month of unpaid debt (cash loan). So, I'm still figuring out how to get back from that. I seem to have enough time until when my next paycheck comes, I haven't planned it yet though. Who knows what the fuck might screw me over by that time. I'll just have to sit it out and improvise.

Partially ditched my (closest) friends again, over a video game dispute. I mean, shiiiiiit I loooove me my video games. I can even say to some extent, it's all I have, next to them. And they just keep pissing me off for some stupid reasons. Like, yeah it was pretty dumb to be mad about it, but in my point of view, I was pretty certain they were aware. Like they were aware of how I am with games and probably not with any other games, but this game in particular. I'm not gonna state what game it is just for... whatever. I just don't understand... Okay so here's the thing, whenever I go dark, they eventually come to a point and ask "what's going on? Tell us what's wrong." So after you tell them what's wrong, you get that security that, these set of people are aware, they know how they should deal with your BS. Right?! Then here comes me throwing shade, and they just give up instantly. Like, I don't understand the point of me explaining to them what's wrong with me if they immediately, instantaneously give up, right?1 Like what's the point of telling a story, if after saying the lesson the reader just goes "let's do it again." I hate to say it but, while it is true that most of the time that we have "the talk" is between alcohol, but I gotta admit... it's sad when they just seem to pretend to listen. It's stupid how it started from video game dispute to not listening, right? Like I'm some kind of moody s/o or something. But that's how I feel, I mean, that's the best that I could explain how it feels. So, Idk, I'm not exactly writing this other than for my own pleasure so, eh... Not my problem if you can't translate.

Also, I've been unfollowing news outlets and skipping anything I scroll past that's political or covid related. I've actually been doing it ever since like April, but this time I'm almost hard committing to not getting involved. I mean, sometimes I get into flame wars in the comment section just for the heck of it. But I try to go into flame wars that I know I'm certain to win haha. Like, fr tho. I don't wanna get burned too much. But then again, I still also do my best to stay away from anything related at all.

As I'm writing this I actually paused a game I recently received as a gift. NieR:Automata™. I've been wanting to play this for a while now, especially when I found out that this is basically a bigger story-centered version of Stanley Parable did. I was like "oh shit, I gotta play this game." I'm not sure if I have been spoiled already when I saw reviews before, but hopefully, my description of the game here, doesn't ruin it for those who haven't played it yet too. Also, you have some dedication reading this post if you've made it this far. If you did, do send game recommendations. I like the ones that have an absurd number of multiple endings. I blame Stanley Parable for this, but I just really fancy the idea. Or at least a confusing one, like Control. I haven't played it yet but it's been out for a while. I know I wanted to play it since it was teased, but I never got the chance to grab the game yet, when it recently dropped in Steam. I was indeed spoiled about something about the ending, so, probably after NieR, my lists are as follows. (I'm not gonna make a bulleted list coz it'll be easily seen when anyone clicked "see more" and people be like "meh, just a bunch of lame gaming posts") So my lists is, for big title, I'm waiting for WD: Legion and CyberPunk 2077. Then comes Detroit become human, Control, Beyond: Two Souls. I have a bunch in mind that I wanna play but these are my focus for now. That's after I finished NieR.

Well, you've made it. You somehow read through this entire thing. I gotta say, I  actually had a lot of negative shit to posts. But I think my YouTube-ing, actually helped. I have been watching Smosh Pit. Holy guacamole Smosh is hella different than when I was first watching it back in 2010-2012. Anthony has long since left, and Ian has just been awkward to watch, sometimes. He looks like "when the boss tries to look quirky like the employees" whenever he's in a video, lol. But him and Anthony did establish the whole thing up, he probably got stuck to it after Anthony left. Since, you can't really just leave your legacy to a bunch of other people, right? Anyway, idk why I'm talking about that so.... You know the unfortunate thing is, after all this, nobody still really cares. Doesn't matter how much effort I put into socializing with people. After everything that I've gone through, once it's all said and done. At the end of the day, all I really have is myself. I think I've come to a point now that I've been doing self-love too much, that I've taken myself for granted. So, I'm just like "whatever" now. Nothing matters, we're all shitty people, we're all just a bunch of gas moving around, we're all gonna die, nobody's gonna know us as soon as 5 years after we died.

This is probably the only time I'm gonna say this on facebook or any of my other socials as I'm gonna try to hide it. I'm gonna do my own vlogging again. BUUUT it's not gonna be on anything that can be monetized. It's gonna be just my personal vlogs. I'll have it in my tumblr, what's my tumblr, that's for you to figure out. I've missed vlogging, and not the modern fancy ass vlogging that you see in YouTube. The vlogging I grew up with is literally just a video-blog/vlog, like a diary. So you take a video and you keep it somewhere. I didn't wanna upload it actually, I was gonna have it as a keepsake. But just for the heck of it, I'll put it in the internet so it's there forever. Unless tumblr gets taken down or do a friendster/myspace. So, yeah, I haven't posted anything yet, nor had taken a video. But as soon as I started rolling, I'll post it there and it'll just be a memory of me.

So yeah guys. Idk why you're reading this but thanks for your time anyway. Ya'll have a good one. I still don't feel like socializing but for my sanity's sake, I'll try to get back into responding into your messages. It's probably good for me too (I think). Byyeeeeeeeeeee~

Fin

[noxiim]

(1/3)Okayyyy so i mightve sent a few asks abt this before but this topic is really now bugging me cuz i have depression and im sensitive to like everything. Im starting to take this "not getting notes on my art" thing really personally and i know it sounds childish (and i laugh at myself for it) but i cant help but get upset when i spend so much time and effort and get like no feedback. And i know people say not to draw what u love and not for attention but honestly i dont even know what

and i dont even know if im drawing what ilike sometimes. Yeah i love bts but i dont know if i like what im drawing or ifim just doing it for notes???? And i have a lot of anxiety too and thats wherei feel like im taking this too personally. Cuz im starting to think that my artdoesnt get notes cuz its straight up not good which leads me to think ishouldnt even try to pursue a career in art anymore. But im not good atanything else so wtf am i gonna do if i dont succeed in art???? Like i said i laugh at myself for thinking like this and iprobably sound like a fuckin child but i cant help it???? Like i think my artis decent???? But maybe its not???? Idk like this was really hitting me todaycuz i feel like im wasting so much time and im probably gonna be one of thosepoor college students cuz i decided to focus on art more rather than taking ajob cuz i thought i could make money off of my art but yknow clearly its notgoing so well and im scared for my future U dont have to give advice to all of that i just needed tolet that all out 

Aw dude don’t worry I get what you mean,I actually experienced something similar when I first started posting my art totumblr, and even recently when I first started posting bts fanart. It’sperfectly normal to want recognition (in this case in the form of notes) forsomething you worked so hard on!! I think one of the major issues with postingto such a big fandom such as bts though is that there’s so many peopleproducing content at any given time, that it’s incredibly easy to get drownedout. Especially since tumblr changed how search and track tagging worked, itmade it that much harder for people to get noticed for their content.

When I first switched to drawing for bts,I found it hard because I also focused a lot on my note count. For someone whowas originally well established in a previous fandom, the move to bts was quitea jarring experience. I had built my following on tf2 art, and used toconsistently get a couple hundred notes, but one of main reasons why I left wasbecause of the dwindling of note counts. When I first left, overwatch had justcome out and a lot of attention shifted towards that game away from tf2, andalthough I still love the game, the dramatic decrease in notes on my art fortf2 really made me sad and I ended up deciding to leave the fandom after 3years of drawing tf2 art. I hopped around a bit, before eventually getting intobts. Even then, my first few pieces (they’re not on my #bts fanart tag so mostpeople wouldn’t have ever seen them) either got no notes at all or only two orthree. It was easier for me to establish myself in a fandom such as tf2 back inthe day since it was such a small, tight knit community with limited contentcreators, but now with bts there are so many more people and it just seemedhopeless for a while and I lost motivation in my art. I stopped wanting todraw, since it felt like nobody cared. Art is the biggest hobby I have, solosing my confidence in my art was crushing.

Now you might be wondering how I got towhere I am today. I’ll be completely honest with you. For me, I highly doubt Iwould be anywhere near where I am if it weren’t for networks. I had neverjoined a network before, but decided to join armiesnet and jimin network one daywhen I saw that applications were open. I got accepted, and I joined theirrespective group chats too. I met lots of great people on those chats, and madea lot of new friends which was nice after having moved fandoms and lost touchwith many previous mutuals. I’m so glad I joined networks, because not only doyou have the chance to make mutuals who will support you and your art, thenetwork blog itself also reblogs all its members’ content which gives youexposure to members of the network through both the network tag and through thedashboard. It’s a perfect way to get started, rather than hoping that somebodywith a decent following will happen to stumble across your work in the tags oneday and reblog it.

That being said, unless you’re like somesort of godly human being I don’t think we can ever get over how note countsfeel as an artist. We need something to gauge people’s response to our art, andthat tends to default to note counts. I can assure you that the feeling of disappointmentwhen your post doesn’t get as many notes as you want/expected it to is a thingpretty much all artists on this site shares. People always say “you should drawfor yourself, not for other people” but that’s the equivalent of like say themona lisa being painted and then left to rot in Da Vinci’s closet or something.The whole point of art is sharing your ideas/love for something through yourdrawings with other people, and so it’s perfectly normal to want therecognition you deserve for working so hard and putting so much love into yourcraft. When it feels like you’re all alone, you have to remember not to giveup. Creating art in such a big fandom can be unforgiving, but just rememberthat your art is never the one at fault. It’s all about finding that littlegolden window of exposure, whether it be through one big blog or a couplesmaller blogs reblogging your work. Those kind few people will be what helpsyou grow, and you have to keep posting for that to happen. If you water a plantbut it doesn’t bloom the next day, abandoning it will get you nowhere. If youjust keep going, keep watering it, results will come. Keep reminding yourselfthat you’re doing well, and you can compare older art to your current art tosee the progress and keep you motivated. Don’t force yourself to draw if youaren’t feeling it – art is something that should make you happy. I used to drawbecause I felt the pressure to put out content, but that just resulted in mefalling into a negative spiral of art block, limited motivation and generalunhappiness with my art as a result. Remember that there’s no such thing as adeadline when it comes to posting art on tumblr – work at whatever pace suitsyou and if anybody tries to rush you, shut them down. You’re the artist, youget to choose what you do with your art, how you do it, and how long you spendon it.

If you truly have your sights set onbecoming an artist full time, then by all means go for it! I can’t give muchadvice in that area since I only plan on keeping art as a hobby, but justremember that art school is always optional. In the end, working as an artistis all about the portfolio, not where you graduated from. It’s more importantto work on your art than it is to get in to an amazing art school. Sure, artschools can be useful, but in the end they are simply tools, sort of like atutorial rather than something that will magically turn you into an amazing artistwith amazing job offers. At the end of the day, it’s all up to yourself to workhard and promote yourself. Since art is all about reaching different audienceswith your work, promoting yourself is essential, even if it’s just casualfanart on tumblr. Feedback can’t come without exposure, and exposure can’t comewithout self-promotion.

Lastly, remind yourself that there’s nosuch thing as ‘bad art’. That might sound like a stupid statement, but inreality art is a constantly changing thing. There is no pinnacle of perfection,no model artwork that represents the most perfect drawing out there. Everyonehas different styles, everyone has different approaches, and most importantly,everyone is still improving. I’m still learning and trying to improve my ownart, and there’s no shame in that. It’s easy to perceive someone else’s art asbetter than yours which would lead to some self-critical thoughts, but you haveto remember that the other artist is probably looking at their own art andpicking it apart, thinking “aw man there are so many mistakes here.” It’s fineto make mistakes, after all, that’s how we learn. Just because we see mistakesin our own art doesn’t mean that everyone else will too – nobody looks at artand their first thought is to list all of the mistakes present. As long as youare aware of what you are less confident in and actively work to improve it,you can quickly surpass even the people you look up to.

So yeah, sorry that this is hella longlol, but in all honestly I can understand what you’re going through. It’seasier said than done, but even though it might feel hard - don’t give up. Youmight feel like you’re not getting anywhere at the moment but I assure you thatif you just keep going, things will only get better. That’s the thing abouttumblr, if you keep posting art your audience can only grow. For now, I would definitelyrecommend joining some networks, and making some friends. It’s not uncommon forpeople to promo their own work in the network chat occasionally, as long as youdon’t spam haha

Anywho, I wish you the best of luck withyour art journey. If you need me you know where to find me 💕💕💕

[fereldanrenegade]

5 Things tag

Thanks, @ellstersmash :D  5 things you can find on my blog * My own shitty doodles  * Hella rad Dragon Age content by other people  * Dumb DA screenshots by yours truly * Lots of complaining * Old sims content 5 things you can find in my room/office area * Lots of PC accessories scattered around * A whole bunch of Promarkers that may need to be used more often * Empty bottles of nail polish  * A shelf full of CDs that haven’t seen the light of day in years  * A wall dedicated to art I’ve gotten from other people :’)  5 things I’ve always wanted to do  * Learn to drive without screaming at everyone and everything * Experience the sakura season in Japan * Dye my hair bright red  * Learn how to cook  * Start writing  5 things that make me happy  * When my cat decides it’s OK to sleep at the end of my bed * When the drawing still looks good when you flip the canvas * Also, when you manage to draw the other eye on the first try  * Games with character creation * Chicken nuggets  5 things on my to do list * Finish setting up and fixing my printer  * Build my own PC  * Finish off art trades, commissions, and other work  * ROMANCE ALL THE DA CHARACTERS *slapped* * Finish writing Fionne’s backstory 5 things you may not know about me  * I’m terrified of birds  * I actually really hated DA the first time I played it, and didn’t get into it until half a year later when I had nothing better to do than try again, and ended up really digging my warden and then it all went downhill from there ;D * I have a thing for redheads??  * I have an animation practice dump up on youtube that has gained over 130k views, and I still view it as my greatest accomplishment lmao  * I’m overly self-conscious about my English? Sometimes I can spend half an hour proof reading something and then still feel like I’ve messed up when I post it. Bloop, I’m gonna tag @paper-lioness, @chaotic-alice, @amell-on, @diethylzinc, and @obsidianreaver :0

[aroha-x-astro-blog]

hey guys so i’m feeling hella emotional and i’m deciding to make a post about basically every group that i stan rn bc holy CRAP i feel like crying and idk waht to do with myself

do not read unless you wanna see my trashy, emotionally unstable self at it’s peak.

ok so like right now i’m really hardcore feeling bts and just what they do to me. also i’m sorry for all the typos in advance, but like i just watched videos of them performing 2!3! and listened to a fan song MADE BY BRAZILLIAN ARMYS @THEM I LOVE YOU~~??? and like now i feel like crying. if you wanna know WHY here’s the link and watch it yourself

seriously watch this no matter who you stan because it makes you think. literally there are so many things I wish i could tell them as a fan and as someone who cares about them more than i care about myself and most other people in my life and just i wish i could tell them everything this song says and a million other things but that still wouldn’t scratch the surface of exactly what i feel when i see these boys on my dash. they make me so happy i literally almost cried watching this but i stopped myself which i kinda regret now because i feel like crying now and i don’t wanna cry but like there are tears in my eyes right now because i keep realizing how much bts means to me. they make me smile and laugh and cry and worry and feel more emotions than i can list mostly because 99.999999% of those emotions can’t be described in words because there really are no words for what they’ve done for me.

they’ve told me that it’s okay to follow my dreams and do what i want. they told me to enjoy my youth, they taught me so many more things than i could learn in a classroom in the time that i’ve been an army. they made me more hopeful and happy and they make life more worth living for me. i honestly don’t know where i would be without them. i cna’t even imagine what my life was like before i was an army because when i look back, it looks so boring; it was like i wasn’t living. they literally give me life.

i mean sure, they kill me on a daily basis and have stolen my soul enough times that it spends mroe time with them than with me, but like.... i can’t even begin to explain this. 

they gave me hope. they are the reason i’m here right now, trying to accomplish my dreams. they/re the reason i’m working so hard. they’re the reason i’m here right now. i would not be the person i am right now, crying about bts at 11:13 pm and how they have made me a better person.

there are so many things i wanna tell all of them. there are so many things i wanna show them about the good part of our fandom. i wanna show them all the posts we make on here about how they need to rest and take care of themselves. i wanna show them the posts that are made on here and everywhere else when they’re sick or injured, telling them that if we see them on stage in the next couple of days, we will drag their asses back to their bed because we want them to rest. i wanna show them all the different things that we wish we could tell them.

i wanna do so many things for them. i just want them to be happy. like if they’re happy, healthy, eating properly, sleeping every night for 8+ hours, just smiling everyday, i would be perfectly content. i would be livid. i don’t really care about the thigns that they do as much as i care about them. yes, they’re all idols but like they’re people who need to sleep and eat and rest and just have downtime to be people, not the angels, gods, stars, and the loves of our lives all the time. 

i wish i could tell them ‘thank you’. if i could only say one thing to them, it would be ‘thank you’. it wouldn’t even be ‘i love you’, it would be ‘thank you’ because i have so much to thank them for it’s insane. there are SO MANY THINGS. gOD i never thought about it before - i mean i have but like every time i do think about it, the list gets a million times longer each time i think about it.

guys.... i really love bts. like i say this all the times to my friends whenever i can but i really love them. they make me a better person and they help to complete me because before they were in my life, i don’t even know waht i was doing with it. like wow i really don’t ever wanna go back to a life where i don’t know bts. i’d rather die because i can’t imagine myself without them without them in it at this point. they mean more than the world, the stars, the sun the moons, the infinite amount of planets out in the universe, hell i care more about them than i do about myself and my own well being. if i had to give up anything so that they cold be truly happy for a second, i wouldn’t even think about it. i’d do anything for them. if they asked me to find alien life, i would build the rocket ship myself and go out and bring back an alien for them within the same hour. i would do literally anything for them.

i would let them cry on my shoulder. i would let them fall asleep with their head in my lap. i would do anything that would make their life easier because they do so much for us. they work through the night, practice their singing or rapping until their voices are hoarse, they’re up before sunrise to get ready to perform for us. they deal with the treatment that they receive from some fans that we all wish would just never happen. they do so. much. 

okay time lapse, i just spent like 3 minutes thinking about how much bts does for us. and @my followers, i promise i’m still an astro blog-

shit..... astro.. god now i’m thinking about them and everything they do for us. like.. they gave us a freaking fan song within their first year of debut can you name any other group?? no. no you cannot wow okay i’m emotional again. 

like- and this isn’t just true for astro and bts. every single freakin kpop artist does so much for us. they deal with shitty management and not recieving the recognition that their fans know they deserve. they all went through the trainee process and lost friends because of it. they lost hours of sleep and were overworking themselves to the point of being so skinny we worry about their health. they went through so much and still are going through different but more challenging trials now that they’ve debuted. 

every single kpop artist out there deserves the world. all of them. sure, there are fandom wars and some idols have done things that are seen as offensive, but they’re also people who are flawed and make mistakes and they’re under so much pressure all the time and just like there are so many things that we don’t think about when we think of the idols we cherish beyond the description of words and i don’t even know what i’m saying anymore like i’m just seriously crying my eyes out right now like my keyboard is wet with tears i love all the idols i stan so much like astro is my bias group but i love them all so much that it doesn’t even matter. i cry about them all equally and scream about them equally and worry about them equally and support them all equally. i love them all so much that i couldn’t rank them if i tried because they’re so much flippin love in my heart to compare them. it would be less futile to count out every single grain of rice in a 40 lb bag like that’s how much i love them. 

like even that isn’t even a mile near the surface it’s so much higher than that there is no amount of space that i could put between the surface of my love for these boys and girls and the emotions i’m trying to explain in words because there are no words. there literally are no. words. saying ‘i love them’ is the biggest of the freaking century because the word ‘love’ doesn’t begin to encompass all my emotions. 

ok... i am more emotional than when i started, but if i write anymore, i’m gonna lose all the followers i have so imma stop. long story short, please love all your idols with your entire hearts the way i try to do. support them. love them. care for their well being. just... idk be a good fan to them.

i really love all of you and to those who actually read my emotional break down that is STILL currently happening just not on this post, tell me what you thought about this whole thing in my inbox and if you unfollow me just like... i’d understand tbh.

i really do love all of you and i love all the idols i stan and am going to stan in the future. i have too much love please take some away from me.

anyway, thanks for being with me on this emotional rollercoaster vote for monsta x’s beautiful so that they win their first win guys~!! see you tomorrow

also if someone could send some tissues my way i would love that