#also: I feel bad about referring to Diana and Bruce as Clark’s ‘two best friends’

[mycroftrh]

Semi-angsty, semi-cracky idea, but -

Ma and Pa are great and Clark is Clark and also he’s lived in Metropolis for ages now. So of course Clark has absolutely nothing against gay people! Of course! Heck, both of his best friends are bisexual. But… but there’s a tiny part of him that grew up in rural Kansas that says it’s okay for other people to be gay, but not him. Not Superman.

So when this kid turns up that has his face but is so, so obviously queer… Well.

Clark looks at his own ear, with earrings on, and sees his own lips, brushing against the bangs of a boy, as his own voice whispers endearments that he would never have dared to speak out loud to a boy in Smallville, and a tiny voice in his head remembers the pastor one year diverting the Christmas Eve sermon to talk about abominations, and…

And Superman flees.

[pluckyredhead]

What's the top 10 worst things about HiC

Oh god, it took me FOREVER to narrow this down. There are so many bad things about it!!!

Literally I’m not even going to address all the little talking heads therapy sessions and how thoroughly riddled with continuity errors and godawful characterization they are, because there’s so much else wrong with the book. Just trust that they’re a mess, even if King is trying to be Intellectual (TM) by putting them in a nine-panel grid. WE GET IT. YOU’VE READ WATCHMEN.

I’m also not putting “they killed Roy” on the list because it’s comics, characters die. The fact that this book was a slaughterhouse is a problem (see below, #2), but the fact that one of those deaths happened to be one of my favorite characters is a bummer but not necessarily evidence that the book is bad. (The book is so bad.)

But okay, so the rest of it, from least-worst to worst-worst:

10. That Poison Ivy cover: Clay Mann draws beautiful people but for some reason he decided that the cover to #7 should be a dead Poison Ivy on her stomach, cleavage pressed against the floor, her spine arched EVEN THOUGH SHE IS DEAD in order to lift her ass in the air so that the reader can see both T and A at once. This was leaked and then ultimately pulled before it hit stands and Tom King tweeted that he'd never liked it, but it’s very telling to me that either literally no one noticed how gross this cover fetishizing a dead woman was before the internet protested, or DC actively planned to use a sexy dead woman to sell comics. In their book that was supposed to be about trauma and mental health and recovery.

10b. Babs, a theoretical protagonist of this book, sexily peeling her pants down to show her bullet scars, which shouldn’t even look like that due to all the surgery she’s had: We get it, you’re only interested in women’s trauma if it’s sexy. She doesn’t even get to talk on this page.

10c. The full splash page of Lois in her underwear, saying “What do you want me to do?” like she’s inviting the reader to bone her in the middle of this story about death and trauma: Stop!!! Just stop!!!

9. The laziness of everything having to do with Booster: Okay yeah, I’m gonna be fannishly self-involved about another one of my faves here, but Booster is legitimately one of the main characters of the series, along with the Trinity, Harley, Babs, and Wally. And yet the “trauma” that places him at Sanctuary was part of a hastily shoehorned-in Batman arc directly before HiC that writes him deeply out of character (he carelessly changes the timeline when despite the fact that he’s spent 15 years protecting the timeline, including the Superman arc he starred in literally directly prior to the Batman one), instead of anything endemic to the character (because spoiler, Tom King doesn’t actually know anything about the character). The series then entirely fails to address it, hanging Booster’s emotional arc instead on his friendship with Ted...a friendship that explicitly does not exist in the Rebirth timeline. The Ted/Booster friendship/marriage is literally my favorite relationship in the entirety of the DCU, but you don’t get to rest a protagonist’s entire arc on a relationship that was retconned out of existence seven years prior and then retconned away again. Do the work. Don’t copy Keith Giffen and J. M. DeMatteis’s papers from 31 years ago.

8. Interpretive hand jiving through the pain: You know how some people have to leave the room when characters do something very embarrassing on television? I’ve never been like that, just Jesus Christ I had to read this page between my fingers. Y i k e s :

7. Harley beating the Trinity in a fight: Come on. Harley couldn’t take a single one of them on her own, let alone all three. Don’t warp the characters to make your MC look more badass and keep the plot moving. (King also wrote Catwoman beating THREE SPEEDSTERS in his Batman run, which again: no. Absolutely not. Stop it.)

6. That Watchman reference: See above re: being so embarrassed for someone you have to read through your fingers. If you haven’t read Watchmen, the line “I did it 35 minutes ago” is extremely famous and absolutely a mic drop moment. It’s not a mic drop moment here. The characters are completely different and talking about completely different things. The only thing Heroes in Crisis has in common with Watchmen (besides copying the use of the nine-panel grid, like I said before) is that it’s about how heroes are fucked up, I guess? Which is hardly a bold statement in 2018; it’s actively cliche now, in fact. The only purpose referencing Watchmen serves here is to let the reader know that Tom King has read Watchmen, which is both pretentious because it is Art and ridiculous because it’s one of the bestselling comics of all time and millions of people have read it.

5. The abysmal “journalistic ethics” on display: There are so many characters literally and figuratively assassinated in this book that it’s easy to miss that Lois is one of them. But here’s a tip: when someone’s medical information is leaked to you, it is not in fact your obligation to share that with the world, no matter who they are. That is not information meant for public consumption, which we might assume Lois knows, since she doesn’t usually share the private business of her husband or her son or their cousin or any of their friends that she is also friends with. But suddenly she’s forgotten that because it’s on a zip drive? Not only does that show horrifying journalistic ethics from both Lois and Clark, who seems to think she had no other choice, it’s also ableist as hell - what, if someone has mental health problems or experienced trauma on the job they’re automatically a danger to the public? And despite the attempt to make this feel like a big twist, there’s actually zero point to it, because a) we never see civilians reacting to this information and b) there are literally zero consequences to publishing it in this or any subsequent comic. It’s never even mentioned again. If a tree publishes all of a superhero’s medical information and deep dark secrets in a forest and no one reacts to it in any way, shape, or form, does it make a sound?

4. The actual premise: I do sort of believe that Bruce would think “go to the middle of nowhere surrounded by robots wearing creepy robes and masks and tell your secrets to cameras which are then wiped and interact with no one” = therapy, although if that’s the case I don’t know why he keeps bothering to put people in Arkham, which at least allows them to talk to other humans. But under no circumstances do I think either Clark or Diana would go along with this horrible, horrible idea, that offers no genuine help to anyone. Not only does the fact that it’s implausible undercut literally everything that happens within the framework of Sanctuary’s existence, it’s just one of many examples of how almost everyone acts completely out of character all the time in order to keep the plot chugging along.

3. Bruce’s terrible detective skills: The World’s Greatest Detective spends like six issues seriously thinking that either Booster Gold or Harley Quinn is the killer. Booster or Harley! Booster has neither the temperament nor the ability to kill on that level and Harley would never hurt Ivy, plus neither of them are a match for Wally (who is believed to be dead at this point), and Bruce should know that. Again, weak characterization all around, but it’s especially egregious given that King wrote Batman for A HUNDRED ISSUES.

2. Wally’s character assassination: This is a three-parter:

2a. Logistical: It makes no fucking sense. Wally got his own corpse to the crime scene by traveling five days into the future and killing his future self. Everyone sees the corpse. Then Booster, Ted, Harley, and Babs talk him out of killing himself. But...he already did that and everyone saw the corpse, so now we have a paradox that’s never addressed.

2b. Moral: The comics have tried desperately to walk Wally’s actions back in the past two years, emphasizing that he didn’t mean to kill TWELVE PEOPLE, including one of his best friends. It was an accident! But he still framed Booster and Harley for literally no reason except to create a whodunnit, set them on each other which could have easily ended fatally for Booster, and then sent everyone’s private information to the media (which again, the comic frames as somehow noble and necessary, but which is actually deeply unethical). So you made this beloved 60-year-old hero into a villain...why, exactly? Just so it would be surprising? Cool, great work, Captain Edgelord.

2c. Metatextual: This comic spins out of Rebirth Special #1. The New 52 erased Wally from continuity and then brought him back as the younger, biracial Wally (and this isn’t the place to get into fandom’s response to that and DC’s response to fandom’s response so let’s just say they are both YIKES MCGIKES and leave it at that). Rebirth Special #1 brought him back, and the return of the “real” (white) Wally (again: yikes) heralded a new universe that was lighter and happier and contained way more fan favorites. It was literally branded as a gift to fans, embodied in Wally West.

In Heroes in Crisis, Wally is crushed by the weight of everyone being so happy he’s there and loving him so much while he’s struggling with grief and depression, and that’s why he snaps. It’s the metatextual equivalent of having Wally look at the reader and say “You’re happy I’m back and comics can be lighter now? Well, FUCK YOU, YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.” It essentially blames the reader for having Wally go evil, because the reader loves Wally too much.

King, what the fuck?

1. The overall message: Heroes in Crisis was sold as a thoughtful exploration of mental health and trauma, instead of just another bloodbath. Instead, it killed a dozen characters in its first issue and dicked around for another seven with an uninspired whodunnit before throwing a beloved hero in the garbage. But in the meantime, it manages to say:

Trauma is unavoidable.

But therapy doesn’t help.

Trying it does more harm than good.

If you’re struggling, you are a danger to others and don’t deserve privacy.

Good luck with that.

Therapy literally saved my life. This comic enrages me. This comic is harmful. Superhero comics as a whole have a lot to answer for when it comes to discussions of mental illness, but at least some random issue of Batman where Bruce thoughtlessly throws another “looney” into Arkham isn’t billed as a sympathetic take on PTSD. Our culture already discourages asking for help, and we don’t need a pretentious funnybook miniseries helping with that.

(If you made it all the way to the end of this post and you are struggling with trauma, depression, PTSD, whatever...please do look into therapy. I promise you it’s nothing like this comic.)

In conclusion, Heroes in Crisis is bad and it should feel bad.

THE END.

[bigskydreaming]

The only real equivalent Marvel has to Bruce Wayne is Logan, no it does not matter that he isn’t a billionaire, this is my hill, I will die on it.

Fact the first: Both are socially inept jackasses who insist this is proof they are meant to be alone. When alone, they sit in their Feels and cry because they don’t actually want to be alone.

Fact the second: Both are under the impression that unattended children are like Pokemon, and you gotta catch ‘em all.

Fact the third: Both make shadowy government agencies swoon with the desire to follow them around and collect their blood spatters to turn into clones. Kidnapping is also occasionally on the table.

Fact the fourth: Both are sometimes surprisingly good at parenting and other times absolutely the worst at parenting. There is no in between.

Fact the fifth: Both staunchly insist they are not team players. Both are also on an average of 12.5 teams at any given moment.

Fact the sixth: Both are the best there is at what they do. Both really really really never get tired of reminding everyone that they are the best there is at what they do.

Fact the seventh: Both are completely incapable of determining if their teammate (Clark Kent, Scott Summers) is their best friend, worst enemy, rival, love interest, or occasionally all of the above. Sometimes this leads to being the center point of an isosceles love triangle, and with it usually mistaken as having Diana Prince or Jean Grey as the center point of said isosceles love triangle. Diana Prince and Jean Grey are never the center point of said isosceles love triangle.

Fact the eighth: Both have at least (1) over-achieving, perfectionist and precocious child or child surrogate who was already glued to them at the hip when they probably should have been watching Saturday morning cartoons still instead (Dick Grayson, Kitty Pryde), (1) brooding, misunderstood bad boy child who they do not have good relationships with on account of All The Murder (Jason Todd, Akihiro), (1) undersized ball of jaded cynicism with the potential to Destroy Civilization should said cynicism ever evolve all the way into jaded nihilism, hence it is highly recommended that they not be left alone to their own devices (Tim Drake, Jubilation Lee), (1) exceptionally talented Warrior Child who takes after them in most ways, including their claims to be too brooding/solitary/dangerous to have friends, but who actually collect friends and allies like they’re a supermagnet dragging all things iron into their sphere (Cassandra Cain, Laura Kinney), (1) Smol and Adorable Murder Child who really should be kept away from all things with stabbing potential, but whom it is equally impossible to keep away from all things with stabbing potential (Damian, Gabby), and (1) Shiny New Child who likes to claim they don’t know what they’re doing here, two seconds before turning the dial up to eleven like this is Spinal Tap and they try and catch up to their siblings’ scores in the game of Wtf Why Would Anyone Think That Was A Good Idea in a span of 24 hours or less (Duke Thomas, Jimmy Hudson).

Fact the ninth: Both have never met a romantic interest who hasn’t tried to kill them or at least seriously considered trying to kill them at least once. Yes, this includes Clark Kent and Scott Summers. In defense of their love interests, said love interests are usually extremely Valid for these attempts.

Fact the tenth: Both have at least one ruthless, relentless and implacable enemy who is either their brother or long-time friend who’s completely obsessed with them, depending on which dimension they’re in or just like, which day of the week it is (Lincoln March, Owlman, Hush, Sabretooth, Dog. Yes, Logan has a brother named Dog, you can look it up, I couldn’t make this up if I tried.)

Fact the eleventh: Both would really like to be excluded from all narratives including the originators of ancient cults or secret societies with ties to their fursonas (Barbatos, Romulus).

Fact the twelfth: Both would really like their children and colleagues to stop referring to them as having fursonas.

Fact the thirteenth: Both are convinced they are the last line of defense should their colleagues, friends and families ever go mad with power and need to be taken down. The families, friends and colleagues of both would really like them to get over themselves and stop milking this as an excuse to avoid all social gatherings and/or fun, for they have all already lived through five versions of that scenario by now and no longer care.

Fact the fourteenth: Both would really like time travel and time travelers to leave them alone, they are old and they are tired.

and

Fact the fifteenth: Time travel and time travelers will never ever leave them alone. 

Edited to add: Yes I know about Dark Claw, please do not assume the absence of Dark Claw from this post was because I don’t know about Dark Claw and need to be informed about Dark Claw. Dark Claw’s absence from this post was because I’ve invested considerable time and effort in trying to FORGET about Dark Claw. Thank you for your understanding. - Management

[ferdinandcham]

Justice League Review (Spoilers)

Disclaimer: I think Ben Affleck is a shitty actor and is up there on the stale list with Tom Cruise. Fight me.

DC has been my favorite since I was a little girl. I grew up reading the comics and loving the cartoons. Yadda yadda yadda. (Spoilers ahead, turn back now.)

So after the BEAUTY that was Wonder Woman, I was far more pumped for Justice League hoping that this would be a redemption arc for the DCEU.

Then came Jason and Ezra, and I started getting my hopes up even more. Could Gal, Jason, and Ezra save the DCEU from Ben Affleck? Could it ever truly recover from Green Lantern?

Then. Enter Joss Whedon. That’s when the true tragic downfall began. But I still held out hope and went to watch this movie. Because I had to support Gal and Jason.

I’ll start with saying something good and then ending with the bad. To create some balance because there ARE enjoyable parts of the movie.

• Gal Gadot was wonderful as usual. Patty wasn’t there to truly make her shine as she did in Wonder Woman, but she did her best as one of the only female characters in the entire movie after Joss mangled it. She was strong and was clearly acknowledged as the strongest one on the team. She wasn’t shy about using her clear advantage over the men to keep them in place either. (I wish she’d done more damage when she shoved Ben Affleck’s shitty Batman after his crass remarks.) Also Patty was probably foaming at the mouth at every ass and cleavage shot that the male directors plastered throughout the movie. Because I was furious. They scrapped an entire movie about Wonder Woman’s empowerment to create fake chemistry between Diana and Ben-Bruce and give nasty little boys their sexy scenes.

•Ezra Miller was a gem. He was the humor and it was very well timed. He played the socially awkward fanboy perfectly and he channeled how any normal person would react being put in a situation where he had to be the hero. He was witty and energetic and everything I love about the Flash. My only regret is that for some reason they never can capture how truly intelligent and fast Barry Allen is. It’s not just running or quick reflexes. His brain works at that same speed as well and they never really bring that to the plate with his live action portrayals.

•Jason Momoa. HOW ARE YOU DOIN. He’s such a versatile actor. He truly is. He plays snark well. He plays seriousness well. He plays lovers well. He’s just a magnificent man, both in personality, skill, and physique. He did well with what scenes he actually was allowed to keep and I enjoyed the parallel of him sitting on Diana’s rope and admitting he was afraid he was going to die as when Steve Trevor did it. I was really disappointed that we got almost no actual backstory for him or Cyborg.

•STEVE TREVOR IS GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN. I immensely enjoyed that Steve is still a large factor in Diana’s life. He was truly the love of her life and decades later, his influence over her is still strong.

I did NOT appreciate Ben Affleck’s Batman using Steve as a verbal slap against Diana every chance he got. To me, it wasn’t even a good plot point and if you wanted to use it as a motivator to push Diana into a leadership role, it should have been handled better. Frankly, anytime Ben-Bruce said something about Steve and taunted Diana with it, it seemed to come more from jealousy that Diana loved Steve and that there was no room for Bruce rather than from an attempt to motivate her into a leadership role. Steve Trevor did not die for Joss and Ben to use him as a sexist tool to manipulate and hurt Diana and create fake chemistry between her and Ben-Bruce.

(Before little fanboys come spouting shit about WonderBat, I’ve always been a Steve Trevor fan and the Wonder Woman movie solidified that. Plus MY Batman is far more respectful of others and is a GOOD person. He would never be that cruel and crass towards someone in pain. MY Batman is the one who got Harley Quinn a dress after she had a bad day. MY Batman adopted a billion children and was a good father. MY Batman wasn’t a dickfuck. Ben Affleck’s asshole, sexist, jealous portrayal is #notmybatman)

•Mera was gorgeous and badass. She faced off with Steppenwolf with no fear. But we got, like, MAYBE three minutes of screen time for her??? I want to write more about her but they didn’t even give me enough to go on. That was extremely disappointing. This was a heavily male driven movie. Joss cut most of Mera’s scenes, completely disregarded Iris West and cut her completely out of the movie, and cut half of Lois Lane’s scenes. So out of ten (Batman, Superman, Flash, Cyborg, Wonder Woman, Steppenwolf, Aquaman, Martha Kent, Lois Lane, Alfred) significant characters, only three (Martha, Lois, and Diana) were women and only one (Diana) had significant screen time.

•I reallllly want more Atlantis. Like just give me an Aquaman movie soon please.

•I’m not even a major Superman fan, but Lois and Clark are too cute to be legal and Zack Snyder is clearly their biggest fangirl. I really enjoyed that Lois Lane is considered a big gun and that she’s a force to be reckoned with. BUT WHY WOULD YOU CUT OUT THE RING SCENE. WHY JOSS. YOU FUCKHEAD. AND WAS CGI SHAVED FACE NECESSARY??!?!?

•Cyborg did not get enough development. He was finally portrayed as a funny guy towards the end, but all we got was angst and daddy issues. I wanted more. He is a large character that needed more development than what he got. Little disappointed that due to Iris being cut, Cyborg (POC) and Flash (Jewish) were the only established non-white people in the movie.

•Cyborg and Flash’s friendship was super adorable and I need more. I’m glad they established these two as the outcasts and the younger friends. So was the friendship between these two and Diana. So pure. So wholesome. Some of Diana’s best scenes were with these two and being a gentle and motherly-figure to them. It really showcased that Wonder Woman is a truly rounded wholesome character who is able to be the compassionate friend or the kickass warrior.

•Wally vs. Clark in every moment was great. 10/10 a great addition to the movie. Just wholesome. Whether it be a speed contest or a who can rescue more civilians contest. Pure. Wholesome. Lovely.

•Steppenwolf was stale. Like almost as stale as Ben-Bruce. Stale like old white bread. Just stale. There had to have been other villains to make the big bad. I don’t know. Just couldn’t really enjoy the lack of characterization.

•I enjoyed the hints about the Lantern Corps. Hopefully they can redeem themselves from the Green Lantern movie. That was just bad. I hope that the ring that flew back into space is Hal Jordan. Or better yet, John Stewart. Either way I’ll be happy though. Hal and Barry are super adorable together as besties.

•I really love Alfred. Alfred to me is what kept Bruce from being what Ben is portraying him as. But this Alfred? Not so much. Really disappointed that this Alfred is only concerned with trying to get Ben-Bruce’s dick inside Diana. Not impressed. Where is Michael Caine when you need him?

•I DESPISE Jesse whatshisname as Lex Luthor, but I’m very ready for the Legion of Doom. Although Deathstroke wasn’t really apart of it. But whatever. I’m excited to see Cheetah and Poison Ivy. Not so pumped for Gorilla Grodd but I’ll live. Maybe they won’t add him.

•I would really like to see more variety in gender and in color in the next movies. Iris needs to be back. They need more character development for the others. We’ve seen Batman vs. Superman and Man is Steel, and although I LOVE her, we’ve seen Wonder Woman. Can we get more focus on the newer characters to round them out? Or at least give them their own stand alone films sooner rather than later, and tie them to references from Justice League so it feels a bit more put together and less patchy.

•Also, bah Joss Whedon from any further involvement with any franchise that gives him the chance to fuck up female characters? He butchered Black Widow to give Hulk more characterization. And now he’s attempting to do so in this franchise. Enough is enough.

Hopefully the next DCEU movie improves on Justice League.