#also you can’t tell Mabel wouldn’t absolutely eat this up

[ifbrd]

headcanon that Ford reads an article about how girls as young as Mabel’s age start getting very self conscious about their appearance due to intense beauty standards on women. Ford thinks about Mabel and says “not on my watch!”

From then on he takes any opportunity to compliment Mabel’s appearance so she feels confident

Mabel: look! I made a dress! How do I look?

Ford: absolutely stunning! Stan, look at what a beautiful young lady our dear niece is!

Mabel: okay before we start the campfire I’m gonna go get something to tie my hair back so it doesn’t catch on fire haha

Ford: even if it did, you’d still be the most adorable young lady I’ve ever met!

Mabel, just woken up, hair completely a mess, eyes barely open

Ford: awe! Don’t you look beautiful this morning!

(Don’t worry, he also compliments her in other ways too)

[chillinglyadventurous]

Stanford Pines Relationship Headcanons

Please don’t post this on TikTok without asking me first.

Man has the most dexterous fingers! He would absolutely braid your hair and it would last for days. Would carefully master the skill so your hair would come out in the perfect waves every time you took it down. I need not mention the other things can do with those beautiful hands.

As in every head canon I have ever read, he is touch starved. Would seek you out for comfort or to ground him when his reattach became overwhelming. Just holding your hand, running his fingers through your hair, and having a hand on your hips would keep this man from going insane, pre and post portal.

Would melt for you if you show love by acts of service and physical touch. You make this man eat or bring him something to eat? You have his heart. Make him coffee? He’s yours. Kiss this man. Cuddle him. He deserves it.

If you met him after Weirdmegeddon, don’t expect him to tell you about it right away. I think you’d first hear whispers about it in town. Of course, no one would tell you about it. When you went to Ford, he’d do his best to change the subject. You can’t get mad/frustrated him for keeping this secret. I think he’d close himself off if you did. However, once you were resigned to letting him have that secret, that’s when he’d tell you. He’d need to feel like he could trust you and that you wouldn’t judge him or think less of him first.

I hate to say it, but he would not be a good kisser. Despite the robot’s efforts, he would be a bit sloppy with it. His teeth would constantly get in the way. Too much spit. Too much tongue. He’d be teachable, though. Just sit the man down, maybe play an instructional YouTube video. He’d get better.

Same goes for sex.

You have to love his family. No negotiation. If you don’t care for Dipper and Mabel like your own children, you’re out of there. With Stan, you have to at least get along. He knows Stan can be difficult and abrasive, but you’d have to get along with him, especially if your relationship begins after he and Stan get back from their trip on the Stan O’ War II.

Speaking of Stan, he would constantly make fun of Ford for having a S/O. Stan would bully him relentlessly. He would also flirt with you in front of Ford just to get a reaction. Give it right back to him, say the craziest things about Ford, true or not, that would make Stan back down.

Be prepared for Mabel to set up dates for you and Ford. She loves her grunkles and wants to see them happy, especially Ford. Ford reminds her a lot of Dipper and I think we, the fandom, can agree. Ford’s not as charismatic as Stan. Mabel would do anything to keep you both happy and would obsess over how your relationship is going. Would likely stay up all night thinking of ship names for the two of you. Would call you and Ford her OTP.

At first, I don’t think Dipper would be too thrilled to have to share Ford’s attention with an S/O. Much like in Swooning over Stans, he’d be distrustful of you. Trust no one. However, he would come around to it once he realized you make Ford happy and aren’t trying to keep him from Ford. Would call you Graunt [Y/N] by accident.

[thisisnotacreativeusername]

A Liar and a Cheat (whom tragedy struck)

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21930769

***

Grunkle Stan was a lot sadder than he liked to pretend.

Mabel liked to think she was good at reading people. She could tell when Wendy was getting stressed, she could tell when Dipper was feeling anxious, she could even tell when Grunkle Stan was lying.

He lied a lot.

She also knew that he didn’t get a lot of sleep. At first, she chalked it up to an old person thing, but one night, she heard him wandering around the house at 3 am when she went to grab a glass of water. When she tried to look for him, he was nowhere to be found.

Grunkle Stan was a conman. He made his living on lying, and it worked. Every day, a pack of tourists would flood the Mystery Shack and Stan would lie to them for hours on end. He was an incredible liar, able to weave a tale with just enough details to prove credibility but not enough to make you suspicious. But Mabel knew his tells.

She knew when he lied to Dipper about stealing his snacks. She knew when he lied to her about what he put in his Stancakes.

But most of all, Mabel thought, Grunkle Stan lied to himself.

His smiles were too wide, some days. His mouth creaked painfully into a grin that masked his exhaustion. Mabel was familiar with that type of smile.

The worst days were the ones where he was just quiet. Dipper and Mabel learned to leave him alone those days, unless they were giving him hugs or making hot chocolate.  Mabel hated those days. She just wanted him to be happy, but something was eating at him, and it probably had been eating at him for a really long time.

Mabel shuffled towards the kitchen, socked feet nearly silent on the old wooden floor. She paused in the doorway.

The kitchen table was already occupied. Grunkle Stan's back was to her, but Mabel could see enough of his face to tell that he looked... lost. He held a pair of square glasses gingerly in his hands, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb over the lens. In front of him, a thick book was open on top of a spread of papers.

Something must've tipped Stan off to Mabel's presence. He turned his head and smiled gently. "Hey sweetie, what are you doing up?"

"Can't sleep," Mabel whispered.

He laughed without humor. "Me neither."

Stan had a lot of pictures of the beach in his room. Mabel had noticed them when she first snuck in to plant the truth teeth. Her favorite was a beautiful photo of the beach at sunset, framed between the two swings of a rickety, old, wooden swing set. The sun cast long shadows back toward the camera and painted the whole scene in a breathtaking gold.

Mabel liked it because somehow, despite the beautiful scenery, it felt sad. She chalked it up to the swings being empty, but something deep down insisted there was more to the story.

When Grunkle Stan admitted he knew about the magic, Mabel’s perception of him shifted. She thought she knew when he was lying, but maybe she shouldn't have been so sure of her people reading skills against a professional conman.

Dipper was angry, but Mabel couldn't bring herself to be. If anything, Stan seemed even sadder after that. Dipper didn't see it, but Mabel knew Stan was sneaking downstairs every night now. He was still the same Stan, always ragging on them to pick up the slack, cackling at the worst pun Mabel ever had the pleasure of hearing, driving her to a secret mini-golf rematch in the middle of the night, but whatever had been eating at him before was eating at him more than ever.

After her puppet show, Stan got serious. He patched Dipper up and sat them down in the kitchen.

"I’ve never seen you fight like that before. What's going on?"

Mabel laughed. "Oh, don't worry about it. You know how it is: sibling rivalries and all that. It won't happen again." She threw her arm around Dipper’s shoulders for good measure.

"Yeah," Dipper said, picking at the thick white bandages wrapped around his arms.

"This isn't a joke. Fights like that? Aren't a joke. Don’t let a dumb 'sibling rivalry' drive you apart. It's not worth it, and it ain't pretty." Stan sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead. He leaned back in his chair. "I’ve seen it happen. Don't let it happen to you."

Mabel and Dipper shared a glance.

"Just... go to bed," Stan said. He got up with a grunt and vanished into the gift shop.

Then everything took a turn for the worse.

The government took Stan away. Dipper and Mabel found the box of fake IDs.

Who was their grunkle, really? A professional conman so good at lying that he lied his way into the Pines family? A man who tried to escape his past but only succeeded in lying to himself?

Mabel wanted to be angry. She really did. But she couldn't.

She didn't know who their grunkle was, but she knew who Stan was. Stan, who tried to get Soos' birthday removed from the calendar. Stan, who sewed hats for his fishing buddies. Stan, who had water balloon fights and set off illegal fireworks just to spend time with them.

And Mabel trusted him.

After Stan’s brother came through the portal, Stan was happy, but that disappeared when Ford continued to hold a grudge. Mabel couldn't wrap her head around it. How could anyone stay angry at their sibling for thirty years over one mistake?

Instead of being sad, Stan got angry. He didn't sneak down to the portal at night, he snuck down to give the punching bag a piece of his mind.

He still went on adventures with them. He set off on a fantasy quest to rescue Dipper and Ford from a math wiz(ard). He ran for mayor and stopped Gideon from blowing up Dipper and Mabel. He went on a revenge road trip.

But Mabel knew he was upset. After everything he did, his brother wouldn't even give him the time of day. Mabel couldn't imagine what she would do if Dipper left her in the dust like that.

And then she didn't have to. What she heard over the radio absolutely crushed her. It was like the world crumbled around her, like she was reaching for something just out of sight, like she was shattering into a million pieces.

It was like the world was ending.

Dipper had promised they wouldn't get all stupid, but here they were, and here Mabel was, stuck with the wrong backpack in the middle of the forest.

Who could blame her for wanting some reprieve? She would have taken anything. Sweater town, ice cream, a hug, but what she heard was too good to be true.

Mabel liked to think she was good at reading people. She knew how to tell when someone was lying. And from watching Stan all summer, she was a pretty good liar herself.

So she lied.

She lied to herself.

After the world ended, Stan wasn't sad or angry. He wasn't happy either.

He was just... confused.

The confusion didn't last long, thanks to some quick thinking and his deep-seated hatred (read: love) for Waddles, but something was still missing.

Mabel couldn't figure out what was wrong. He had his memories back, Ford had thanked him more than enough times, and the Shack had been repaired. Everything was the best it could possibly be.

She didn't find out until a week later, when the title of Mr. Mystery was handed over to Soos.

Stan and Ford were back in action. They sent postcards from everywhere they visited. More often than not, the postcards had been severely damaged by some kind of monster attack, but Dipper and Mabel loved to get them in the mail anyway.

They video chatted every chance they could get. Somehow, a cat had found its way on board the Stan O’ War II, but neither twin had the heart to get rid of it. They found treasure almost every week. Ford had already disproved the Bermuda Triangle, discovered the Kraken, and found the missing Flight 19. Stan had gotten arrested in six countries and gone to prison in none. He learned how to knit and made Ford a pair of gloves with six fingers.

Mabel liked to think she was good at reading people.

And Stan?

Grunkle Stan was the happiest he had ever been.

[anistarrose]

More Alike Than They Realize (Gravity Falls One-Shot)

Word Count: ~1700

Summary: Stan finds a jittery, apologetic Ford up late one night, and the following conversation doesn’t go anywhere near where he thought it was going. Post-Weirdmageddon.

Warnings: None

Contains a lot more fluff and meta jokes than the summary suggests.

For the first time since Weirdmageddon, Stan woke up knowing exactly who, where, and when he was. The bulk of his memories, especially the enjoyable ones from the past summer and his childhood, had returned within about forty-eight hours, but six days later he was still having occasional lapses, the worst of which occurred upon waking up – until now, apparently. He hoped it would last.

He rolled over and looked at his clock. 12:15 A.M. Well, that was less cause for celebration. His head hurt – not unusual lately – and his mouth was dry – not anything to worry about, but still unpleasant.

Careful not to make any sound that could wake Ford or the kids, he made his way down to the kitchen. Warm milk usually helped him get to sleep.

I hope there’s still some left, he thought. The kids and I have been going through a lot since –

“Stanley, is everything alright?” Ford had been sitting at the kitchen table in complete darkness aside from the multi-colored glow of his laptop screen. “Do you know who I am?”

Stan hurriedly rushed to the fridge. “Don’t worry, Sixer, I remember fine. Just wanted get somethin’ to drink before I go to back to bed.” Ford’s concern was pretty reasonable given the state Stan was usually in when he wandered the Shack at night, and had Stan actually been in the middle of a lapse his brother’s presence would have been appreciated, but at the moment he didn’t want Ford worrying about him. He wanted to sleep.

“That’s great to hear,” Ford told him. “But Stanley, we need to talk.” He put himself between Stan and the door. “I was a fool, I realize that now. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

“Ford, you already apologized,” Stan replied. “About a hundred times. I promise, I’ve forgiven you –”

Stan suddenly noticed Ford’s eyes were bloodshot and his hair was even more of an unkempt mess than usual. “Stanford, are you feelin’ okay? You look… paranoid. Do you need to run more tests to make sure Bill is –”

Realization dawned on Ford’s face – and then he chuckled sadly, like he was laughing at himself rather than Stan. “Oh, no, Stan. This isn’t about Weirdmageddon. I didn’t worry you too much, did I?”

“Wait, then what is it –” Stan noticed the bowl on the kitchen table next to Ford’s laptop. “Is that popcorn? How the hell did you make popcorn at midnight without waking up the whole house?”

“It’s just simple sound-wave cancelling technology I picked up in Dimension B-56,” Ford replied automatically. “But the point is, I need to completely and sincerely take back what I said to you and about your… taste in entertainment on my second full day back in this dimension. I made a hasty judgement based on the show’s… target demographics, and I see now that I was wrong. So very, very wrong.”

“Sixer, you’re not making any… wait.” Stan suddenly remembered what had aired on Ford’s second day back in Gravity Falls. “You started watching Ducktective, didn’t you?”

“I did, Stanley! And it’s so much better than I was emotionally prepared for! After you saved me from Probabilitor that one day, I asked Dipper if I could join you watching the new episode, but he said it would be full of spoilers and showed me how I could stream it from the beginning when I had the time – and now I’m addicted! I can’t believe I called it a kids’ show; the mysteries of the overarching story transcend age demographics like nothing I’ve ever seen before! I’m nowhere near caught up and I already have so many theories! I’m not even sure if the younger Ducktective we saw in the time travel episode was actually him!”

“Whoa whoa whoa, Poindexter, slow down.” A grin was spreading across Stan’s face. “How far in have you gotten? Ten episodes?”

“Twelve,” Ford corrected. “I just finished the one where his rival Pete the pelican was wrongly accused and came to Ducktective for help –”

“Hey, that’s a really underrated one!”

“Wait, who didn’t like it? That was some of the finest comedy I’ve seen in the entire multiverse!”

“Dipper said Pete’s change of heart was unrealistic! Can you believe it?”

“If I wasn’t indebted to him for introducing me to the show in the first place, he would be dead to me,” Ford agreed in an overly dramatic tone.

“You gotta watch the next couple episodes right now, Sixer. Episode 13 is a goddamn emotional journey, and Episode 14 – well, I don’t want to spoil it. It needs to be seen to be believed, anyways. And then rewatched multiple times after learning what happens in the season finale.”

“Are you going to stay to watch alongside me?” Ford asked as he sat back down in front of his laptop.

“And miss you tearing up?” Stan pulled up a chair. “Pass the popcorn, would ya?”

“We’ll see about that,” Ford replied, but when Ducktective was finally reunited with his long-lost partner Steve, he couldn’t help but shed a single tear. Stan shed quite a few more, despite having seen the episode at least twice before, but Ford didn’t rub it in his face.

Ford was a bit confused, however, when the town erected a hyper-realistic statue of Ducktective to honor him for his continued work, and Stan bawled his eyes out seeing how Ducktective refused to look at the monument for longer than a few seconds.

“He’s just not used to the attention! What’s so sad about that?” Ford asked.

“You don’t understand,” Stan sobbed. It took all of his willpower not to explain that the statue reminded Ducktective of his long-lost twin gone evil. Ford had more or less guessed the twist already thanks to the time travel episode and the extra room in Ducktective’s childhood home, but Stan was drawing on all his con man power to act like Ford’s theory was crazy.

During a lull in the action in Episode 17, Ford paused the video and said: “I’m getting a little tired, but I can’t stop watching yet. Do you mind if we go sit somewhere where I won’t wake up with back pains in case I do fall asleep?”

Stan was also very tired, but there was no way he was going to miss Ford’s reaction to the next episode’s reveal. “While we’re at it, let’s go someplace where you won’t wake up the kids when you scream. There’s a big plot twist comin’ up.”

Ford closed the laptop. “I’d suggest the basement, but it’s probably pretty cold down there. We can go to my private study.”

Stan frowned. “Not exactly a lot of comfortable furniture in there, is there?”

“No, especially not after I cleaned it out. I was thinking we could bring blankets – wait, you’ve been in there? It’s supposed to be a secret!”

Stan snorted. “Sixer, I lived in this house for thirty years. Now go get those blankets.”

“Great Uncle Ford? Grunkle Stan? Are you guys okay? What are you doing down here?”

Stan tried to sit up, but something above him slipped, and several surprisingly heavy blankets fell on his face. Besides, he didn’t really want to get up. He was reminded of the good old days when he and Ford would hang some blankets from the top bunk, then sit on Stan’s bed together reading comic books, telling ghost stories, and generally making a mess with snacks.

“Morning, Dipper,” he heard Ford mumble. “I’m sorry we didn’t make breakfast…”

“Grunkle Ford, we were so worried about you!” Mabel yelled. “We thought you got kidnapped by gnomes or one of the last few eye-bats or something! But this whole time, you were just down here in your secret room?! You even built a whole blanket fort without us!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Ford pulled his laptop out from under his blankets. “I didn’t even consider the possibility that you wouldn’t realize where we were. We just didn’t want to wake you with our reactions to Ducktective.” He glared at Stan. “I can’t believe I predicted Ducktective’s twin brother almost a whole season in advance and Stan just pretended that my theory was ridiculous.”

“Hey, what was I supposed to do, spoil the ending of the best episode in the whole show?”

“How about simply not making fun of me for ‘looking too deep’ into everything?”

Mabel shook her head. “I can’t believe you nerds.”

“Hey, you can say that about Ford, but not me,” Stan complained. “I’m not like him and Dipper, not at –”

“You kind of are, though,” Ford told him, trying and failing not to laugh. “Obviously not to the same extent as myself, but we did just stay up until three in the morning watching a children’s show and discussing elaborate conspiracy theories about it. We’re more alike than you realize, Stanley.”

“So? It was one time!”

“I seem to recall we did this kind of thing pretty often when we were kids. Obviously not on a laptop, but with equally nerdy works of fiction nonetheless.”

“You’re an honorary nerd now whether you like it or not, Grunkle Stan,” Dipper added.

Stan shook his head. “Ya know, I was gonna apologize for making you worry, but now I’m not so sure.”

“You should apologize for ruining our blanket fort, Stanley,” Ford chided jokingly. “It was an absolute marvel of engineering before you decided to drag down the roof.”

“A real marvel of engineering wouldn’t let its roof get dragged down that easily!”

Ford frowned. “Uh, let’s go get breakfast. Kids, do you know if there’s any pancake mix left?”

“Ha, so you admit I have a point!”

“Honestly,” Mabel interrupted, “I’m not mad anymore that you guys disappeared into the basement to build a blanket fort and eat popcorn and watch your show. I’m just mad that you didn’t invite us.”

“Yeah!” Dipper added. “I wanted to see Ford’s reaction to the season finale.”

Ford smiled. “Well, we still have about… ten episodes before I’m caught up?”

“Eight,” Stan corrected. “Plus the shorts. But yeah, you kids could join us.”

“Will there be popcorn?” Mabel asked.

“Of course!”

Mabel and Dipper exchanged a look.

“Are we forgiven?” Stan asked.

The kids nodded in unison. “You’re forgiven.”

Thanks for reading! Ford’s reaction to Ducktective is loosely based on my own reaction to Gravity Falls: skeptical when first learning of it, then genuinely interested after hearing good things, then way too emotionally invested in it.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020: BRIT AWARDS SPECIAL

So, welcome to... a Tuesday? Yeah, it’s not exactly a usual time for me to post on this blog but it’s not just your everyday episode of REVIEWING THE CHARTS – That’s right, it’s the 40th ceremony in the annual BRIT Awards celebration, where we – or at least ITV – commemorate the greatest in British pop music. I’ll be celebrating in full force this year, but not by tweeting manically like I did last year – well, there will still be some tweeting; follow me @cactusinthebank – but instead by writing my live commentary right here. I did this a couple years back so I figured I’d bring it back again in traditional, over-analytical, unnecessarily nitpicky fashion. I’ve got an Excel document like I had last year to make not of who wins and compare it to who I think should win. I’m all prepared – it’s time for the 2020 BRIT Awards... unfortunately hosted by Jack Whitehall.

COMMENTARY

Interestingly (This is 10 minutes before the show begins), the International Group Award, Best British Video, Outstanding Contribution to Music and Global Success Awards have been abolished, and British Breakthrough Act, Critics’ Choice Award and British Single of the Year have all been renamed. Also, the BRITs caught flack for less female artists being nominated although last year there was a record amount nominated so I feel like sexism claims can’t really ring all that true in my opinion. It does often seem like male artists have dominated that year of pop music, just as it feel female artists have the previous year, and the BRITs have noticed that, so it just feels a tad lop-sided towards the males this year. I’m playing Devil’s advocate, sure, and I wouldn’t say 2019 has been a bad year for British women in music, but I am able to somewhat defend this decision. I feel like I’d just say that as a little pre-amble. In fact, I’ll add this: this will be less formal and grammatically correct than a normal RTC episode, and perhaps a bit less wholesome or family-friendly. Also, if none of this makes any sense, that’s because it’s out of context completely, and this will make absolutely no sense unless you’re watching it with me or had watched it prior to reading this, but that’s the joy in this! Scorecard at the ready, 19:58, it’s the BRITs in two minutes, and I am prepared to make fun of every issue I pick out.

Jack Whitehall is so unfunny lol Like Haha She Is Cleaning Lizzo Flute But He Look Like Masturbate Ha Ha

I feel like they did not know what they should do for this year

The intro with him trying out iconic BRIT Awards outfits is kinda cool actually

I wonder how far into the future they plan for these. Like are these skits pre-recorded by three months or so

Mabel didn’t really hit that note huh

I won’t really be paying attention to this one because I’m filling out scorecard and all to update it for this year but Mabel is less energetic than she was on the Graham Norton Show months ago

Can’t tell if Don’t Call Me Up has soured on me a lot or this is just a bad performance. Probably the latter

Is this the vocal loop from Mad Love or something I don’t recognise it

Nevermind I’m so dumb it’s from Don’t Call Me Up

The telephone on the screen Because Ha Ha She Says Call Me Up is a bit on the nose

I don’t think they realise she also has a song called Ring Ring

“Please welcome your host Jack Whitehall” No go away

Audience did not like the Boris Johnson joke or even the Chris Martin one lol this gnarly dude is BOMBING

Rod Stewart has eight children what the f

“Horny scarecrow of rock and roll Ronnie Wood” I hope that is on his CV

“A bit of witty banter from Dave” Jack Whitehall Shouted Out The TV Channel Dave

Lewis Capaldi – Someone You Loved genuinely makes me want to eat a living frog this live version is better though he’s not straining that much

I saw a BBC News piece on a boy with cancer and this was used in the background and I understand it’s a sad, sappy piano ballad but it’s literally just about a break up like that’s a tad unfitting and kinda undermines the illness and tragedy surely

Niall Horan looks SO infused

The production value for these little transitions seems to have improved it actually looks cool and not dated garbage

Lewis Capaldi will win Best New Artist

Lewis Capaldi won Best New Artist

It’s his first BRIT Award but what’s the point in celebrating he’s gonna win like seven more

Dude is coming up to the stage with a bottle of beer in his hand bruh

I bet this dude is going to be the Adele and just get drunk and swear every time he gets an award

He hugged Niall Horan for a concerning amount of time

The audience chanted ‘DOWN IT DOWN IT’ he did not down it

He just shouted profanities into the mic after 40 seconds of delaying it, but the audio was muted so I have no idea why Jack Whitehall Loves This Man

Lewis Capaldi’s music and personality clash so hard like I saw an advert of this man making funny faces set to Someone You Loved and it was so odd

That advert played right after the BRITs by the way lol

Why is Lewis Capaldi on another advert singing Someone You Loved again like stop stop stop pelase i ccant getsv awytsuavforrnjeofityre

JHE’S BACK FOR ANOTHER ADVERT GO AWAY YOU DRUNKEN IDIOT

Why would Mastercard proudly sponsor this sh

How the hell is FKA twigs nominated for best female artist like cool and all her album was good but Huh

I guess they put one alternate win each time

Mabel will win Best Female Solo Artist

Mabel won Best Female Solo Artist

Oh yeah I forgot people actually make speeches

“There are so many amazing women in this category” Mabel Listens To FKA Twigs

Don’t thank your record label they are crooks

I forget that Mabel is Neneh Cherry’s daughter that’s wild. Neneh Cherry won a BRIT too, I think this same award. Cool. Neat.

Jack Whitehall’s sarcasm and dryer wit is not exactly the best fit for the BRITs. For once I miss Ant & Dec

Harry Styles Is Literally Wearing Pajamas

This is an ok song and with actually good vocal mixing it’s better but he does sound a bit off. He did get robbed before the awards happened though lol

I am sick of guys singing ballads with a e s t h e t i c backgrounds like can we get some volcano eruptions up in this

The Rising Star and British Producer Awards (new awards) were already given out I feel like cheating

Literally the only nomination for the British Producer of the Year was fred

He won

Another break bruh bruh bruh give me a break

Harry Styles’ Pajamas Are Wet Now He Was Standing In Water

Little simz is on an advert afterwards with an amazing song from her amazing album but she’s not nominated for any award

Im so tired like this shit is keeping me awake last year i fell asleep during a jess glynne performance

Liam payne performed a month before the ceremony and his album fell 31 places on the chart in response

Jack Whitehall called himself a lanky streak of piss this man might get an Ofcom Complaint

Lizzo’s really pushing that title track huh

Lizzo didn’t censor herself on the Grammys but her breathy ‘uh’s are making some lines unintelligible lol

This is a good song though

LOL SHE STOPPED FOR THE AUDIENCE TO CONTINUE HER SENTENCE BUT NOBODY SAID THE LINE YIKES

I guess she forgot Truth Hurts didn’t even peak in the top 20 here

Good as Hell is the one people here care about

She knows that they didn’t respond in Truth Hurts because she said ‘sing along if you know it’ lol

She kinda messed up but to be fair she is walking and singing with the audience

That White Guy With The Crap Hair Killed It

Drummer is going wild

I love the extra guitar flourishes in Juice this is pretty cool actually, her interpolating Cause I Love You at the same time is pretty epic this actually sounds pretty great I’d love for this whole medley to be on streaming

She yelled ‘biiitch’ but the mic did not catch that

Ronnie Wood Really Got The Positive Vibes

Lewis Capaldi will win Best Male Solo Artist

(Michael Kiwanuka got like no applause god damn at least give them pity applause)

ROIGHT and tha winna ***upside down*** is STRORMZY

Stormzy won Best Male Solo Artist

(Second time by the way)

Clean version of Vossi Bop kinda slap Ngl

Stormzy TOWERS over Ronnie Wood lol dude is tall

“Um.”

“Best Male is nothing without incredible females” Cool cool

Ronnie is about to tell Stormzy why he thinks he should go back to his own country and that He’s Not Actually Racist

(Those allegations are baseless. My lawyers advised me to say so.)

Jack Whitehall touched audience feet

We’re already nearly an hour in wow

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ADVERT BREAKS

Yes Yes

Hell yeah dave is awesome, he got his Top Boy co-star to work as a hype man before him

I think this is Black? If so that’s amazing I love that song

It’s Black he has it written on his white piano

The only white piano is slowly turning more black

I like the headlines and all the imagery on the piano it’s really cool

Dave is a tad off beat but he’s also playing a double-sided piano so understandable

A white dude is playing the other side of the piano I’m sure that’s symbolic

He is aggressive in this delivery damn he’s killing it

Some of this imagery is beautiful – especially the BRIT Award being covered by black snakes and the Arabic writing transitioning into an Africa with colonial borders

This was an amazing performance, especially with the violins. Incredible.

OH THERE’S ANOTHER VERSE ABOUT BORIS JOHNSON

The least racist is still racist damn right

This works as an obituary as well damn.

I’d have to analyse this whole thing but this was an incredible performance oh my god

I want this on streaming

When did this man help a terrorist plot wh

Paloma Faith Sounds Like A Robot Who Is Vaguely Feminist

Burna Boy will win International Male Solo Artist

(I so want Tyler to go home with it though. Could go to Post as well)

It’s just whoever shows up gets it though so

WHOA

WHAT THE HELL

TYLER THE CREATOR WON HOW

TAHT IS AMSGWYUFE

THE RADIO HOST SAID IGOR WRONG BUT ITS OK TYLER WON

Tyler, The Creator won International Male Solo Artist

This gnarly dude just said ‘errr yeah errr’

“Shout out to all the British funk from the 80s I try to copy”

LOL THE THERESA MAY CALL OUT HAHAH

I FORGOT HE WASNT ALLOWED IN THE UK

Bts is not a british group, presenter

Coldplay will win Best British Group

Foals won Best British Group

I am actually so surprised lol at Tyler and Foals winning their first BRITs

More alternative dudes winning I guess. Neat. Means a lot

Stop thanking your corrupt labels

The name’s eyelash

I haven’t actually heard her Bond theme yet

Finneas do be lookin kinda handsome tho

I like it. The whispery tone of her voice, the eerie strings (cello?), and slick guitar really fit the Bond franchise. Thank you Billie Eilish, very cool!

No Don’t Talk To Lizzo Don’t Talk To Anyone Jack Whitehall

“There was so much energy they could have done the whole performance for me” well not exactly mrs. Lizzo

This is so awkward we can’t hear what Lizzo is laughing at Harry Styles looks pissed

‘floutists’ is the name for flute players huh

I’m so confused what is going on

Lizzo is threatening jack Whitehall with a flute and within the transition to the break i could hear a slight faint shout from jack in the background

Is everyone ok

More people that i wanted to win than who i expected to win are winning

Sam Fender is haha funnie but nobody in the audience thinks so lol

Celeste is performing she’s the new Rising Star award she has already had a bit of a crack but I’m pretty sure that’s part of the song

This song is ok

Bit boring tbh. Audience is getting tired too. This is lasting like 5 minutes and the song is pretty flavourless and repetitive. Yawn snore

We’re about half way through and I’ve kind of lost interest ngl

Honestly lewis capaldi did better than celeste on jah

Jack Whitehall is having a mental breakdown right now. Understandable

Billie Eilish will win International Female Solo Artist

Billie Eilish won International Female Solo Artist

Lizzo looks so disappointed for whatever reason lol like did we really think anyone else would get this award

Sporty Spice is in the background dancing to everything i wanted that is not a song you dance like that to it’s about suicide

This speech is going terribly

Why are so many of these gnarly dudes signed to polydor

Thank you Billie Eilish very cool

No Jack Whitehall Don’t Talk To Harry Styles

Harry Styles looks like he hates Jack Whitehall so much

The Lizzo-Harry-Jack Whitehall love triangle is Awkward And Awful

Lizzo is the only reason the brit awards are good

Ok the exchange about Harry Styles not being taken seriously was pretty funny

In fact this whole exchange was very funny And Partially About Incest

“Is one of these lucky ladies your date?” “That’s my sister”

Lizzo is chugging the tequila

Harry Styles Looks Like He Pissed Himself

The BRIT awards have suddenly become very confusing

Epic Stormzy Time

Genuinely have no idea what song he’ll perform. Probably Vossi Bop?

Stormzy Should Keep The Singing To His Backing Vocalist And Choir

Gospel beat sounds sweet

I think this is supposed to be Lessons but the studio version is so much duller than this version. This one is pretty cool. I think it’s the choir

I’d be surprised if he only does Lessons. Also the production value here was crazy. Full band, pyrotechnics and all.

Oh yeah it’s Vossi Bop time he’s got the red lighting

Nevermind it’s Wiley Flow lol but still

Reminds me of when Kanye did All Day (also the audio got muted for a long period of time just like when Kanye did that)

This one is more choreographed though lol

Why did he perform two of the least popular songs first though

Burna Boy is coming out for Own It alright, he sounds just as good as studio, probably because He’s Not Actually Singing

I don’t like this song but the choreography is great, stage presence is good and the visuals are incredible. Really shows that even with the worst material, you can make a song sound as lively as ever. The horns the live band added to Own It sound beautiful

Burna Boy’s little solo bit was great

He got away with saying “Sucking on their mums” nice

I hadn’t heard Rainfall before this I don’t think (it sounds familiar though), but the mashup with Praise You was great. I love the sight of Stormzy in front of family members, the young men in black outfits from Wiley Flow, the tropical clothes-bearing women from Own It, Burna Boy, the live band, and all. It’s really a nice diverse sight to see. Cool cool. This probably means absolutely nothing but I Am Knackered

Someone You Loved will win Song of the Year

I really hope it’s Ladbroke Grove though. It and Location feel very emblematic of 2019, in a way that I Don’t Care by Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber DEFINITELY isn’t

Someone You Loved won Song of the Year

“Biggest winner of the night so far” there’s only one award left mate

Lewis Capaldi Is A Very Funny Man

“Thanks to my grandmother for dying”

Finneas do be lookin kinda handsome tho [2]

Heard a very british voice say “i luv yoo bilie” in the audience lmao

Lewis Capaldi will win Album of the Year

I’d prefer literally anyone else to win this award. Only one of these albums was a 7/10 or above but Lewis Capaldi’s album was unlistenable

OH HELL YEAH THE ONLY GOOD ONE WON

Dave won Album of the Year

Epic I love that album. It could very well have been Capaldi but since Dave won the Mercury Prize I guess he would have been a better prediction

People are screaming man’s lost for words

“Jesus Christ!” dude’s so astonished lol

I loved Dave’s speech actually very inspiring

“Jack, I’m gonna do this one for your mum, Hilary” bruh  rod stewart really saying ‘ur mom’ jokes out here

I love Rod Stewart’s raspy voice man. Orchestra’s great. This is beautiful lol

Gnarly dude got the guitar solo

Conclusion

I cannot be bothered to write some massive conclusion but most of the performances were great and emotionally powerful, especially Stormzy, Dave, Billie and Rod Stewart, and even those who were a bit crap performing were very funny on stage, like Lewis Capaldi. The on stage banter was really cringe-worthy but Jack Whitehall, Harry Styles and Lizzo had this really funny triangle going on. The outro with Ronnie Wood and the rest of Rod Stewart’s band was great, Stormzy’s extended performance was sweet. This was actually a pretty great BRITs, to be honest, and all of the winners, except a select few, deserved it, and if they didn’t, it was pretty expected. There could have been some more winners – off the top of my head, Slowthai and Little Simz weren’t even nominated, but hey, Tyler won. That’s great. The scorecard will be on Twitter. In the words of the BRIT Award winners in 2020, “errr yeah errr”, and thanks for reading!

REVIEWING THE CHARTS 2020