#also the titles pretentious but its the best i got without resorting to song lyrics

[thisisnotacreativeusername]

A Liar and a Cheat (whom tragedy struck)

ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21930769

***

Grunkle Stan was a lot sadder than he liked to pretend.

Mabel liked to think she was good at reading people. She could tell when Wendy was getting stressed, she could tell when Dipper was feeling anxious, she could even tell when Grunkle Stan was lying.

He lied a lot.

She also knew that he didn’t get a lot of sleep. At first, she chalked it up to an old person thing, but one night, she heard him wandering around the house at 3 am when she went to grab a glass of water. When she tried to look for him, he was nowhere to be found.

Grunkle Stan was a conman. He made his living on lying, and it worked. Every day, a pack of tourists would flood the Mystery Shack and Stan would lie to them for hours on end. He was an incredible liar, able to weave a tale with just enough details to prove credibility but not enough to make you suspicious. But Mabel knew his tells.

She knew when he lied to Dipper about stealing his snacks. She knew when he lied to her about what he put in his Stancakes.

But most of all, Mabel thought, Grunkle Stan lied to himself.

His smiles were too wide, some days. His mouth creaked painfully into a grin that masked his exhaustion. Mabel was familiar with that type of smile.

The worst days were the ones where he was just quiet. Dipper and Mabel learned to leave him alone those days, unless they were giving him hugs or making hot chocolate.  Mabel hated those days. She just wanted him to be happy, but something was eating at him, and it probably had been eating at him for a really long time.

Mabel shuffled towards the kitchen, socked feet nearly silent on the old wooden floor. She paused in the doorway.

The kitchen table was already occupied. Grunkle Stan's back was to her, but Mabel could see enough of his face to tell that he looked... lost. He held a pair of square glasses gingerly in his hands, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb over the lens. In front of him, a thick book was open on top of a spread of papers.

Something must've tipped Stan off to Mabel's presence. He turned his head and smiled gently. "Hey sweetie, what are you doing up?"

"Can't sleep," Mabel whispered.

He laughed without humor. "Me neither."

Stan had a lot of pictures of the beach in his room. Mabel had noticed them when she first snuck in to plant the truth teeth. Her favorite was a beautiful photo of the beach at sunset, framed between the two swings of a rickety, old, wooden swing set. The sun cast long shadows back toward the camera and painted the whole scene in a breathtaking gold.

Mabel liked it because somehow, despite the beautiful scenery, it felt sad. She chalked it up to the swings being empty, but something deep down insisted there was more to the story.

When Grunkle Stan admitted he knew about the magic, Mabel’s perception of him shifted. She thought she knew when he was lying, but maybe she shouldn't have been so sure of her people reading skills against a professional conman.

Dipper was angry, but Mabel couldn't bring herself to be. If anything, Stan seemed even sadder after that. Dipper didn't see it, but Mabel knew Stan was sneaking downstairs every night now. He was still the same Stan, always ragging on them to pick up the slack, cackling at the worst pun Mabel ever had the pleasure of hearing, driving her to a secret mini-golf rematch in the middle of the night, but whatever had been eating at him before was eating at him more than ever.

After her puppet show, Stan got serious. He patched Dipper up and sat them down in the kitchen.

"I’ve never seen you fight like that before. What's going on?"

Mabel laughed. "Oh, don't worry about it. You know how it is: sibling rivalries and all that. It won't happen again." She threw her arm around Dipper’s shoulders for good measure.

"Yeah," Dipper said, picking at the thick white bandages wrapped around his arms.

"This isn't a joke. Fights like that? Aren't a joke. Don’t let a dumb 'sibling rivalry' drive you apart. It's not worth it, and it ain't pretty." Stan sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead. He leaned back in his chair. "I’ve seen it happen. Don't let it happen to you."

Mabel and Dipper shared a glance.

"Just... go to bed," Stan said. He got up with a grunt and vanished into the gift shop.

Then everything took a turn for the worse.

The government took Stan away. Dipper and Mabel found the box of fake IDs.

Who was their grunkle, really? A professional conman so good at lying that he lied his way into the Pines family? A man who tried to escape his past but only succeeded in lying to himself?

Mabel wanted to be angry. She really did. But she couldn't.

She didn't know who their grunkle was, but she knew who Stan was. Stan, who tried to get Soos' birthday removed from the calendar. Stan, who sewed hats for his fishing buddies. Stan, who had water balloon fights and set off illegal fireworks just to spend time with them.

And Mabel trusted him.

After Stan’s brother came through the portal, Stan was happy, but that disappeared when Ford continued to hold a grudge. Mabel couldn't wrap her head around it. How could anyone stay angry at their sibling for thirty years over one mistake?

Instead of being sad, Stan got angry. He didn't sneak down to the portal at night, he snuck down to give the punching bag a piece of his mind.

He still went on adventures with them. He set off on a fantasy quest to rescue Dipper and Ford from a math wiz(ard). He ran for mayor and stopped Gideon from blowing up Dipper and Mabel. He went on a revenge road trip.

But Mabel knew he was upset. After everything he did, his brother wouldn't even give him the time of day. Mabel couldn't imagine what she would do if Dipper left her in the dust like that.

And then she didn't have to. What she heard over the radio absolutely crushed her. It was like the world crumbled around her, like she was reaching for something just out of sight, like she was shattering into a million pieces.

It was like the world was ending.

Dipper had promised they wouldn't get all stupid, but here they were, and here Mabel was, stuck with the wrong backpack in the middle of the forest.

Who could blame her for wanting some reprieve? She would have taken anything. Sweater town, ice cream, a hug, but what she heard was too good to be true.

Mabel liked to think she was good at reading people. She knew how to tell when someone was lying. And from watching Stan all summer, she was a pretty good liar herself.

So she lied.

She lied to herself.

After the world ended, Stan wasn't sad or angry. He wasn't happy either.

He was just... confused.

The confusion didn't last long, thanks to some quick thinking and his deep-seated hatred (read: love) for Waddles, but something was still missing.

Mabel couldn't figure out what was wrong. He had his memories back, Ford had thanked him more than enough times, and the Shack had been repaired. Everything was the best it could possibly be.

She didn't find out until a week later, when the title of Mr. Mystery was handed over to Soos.

Stan and Ford were back in action. They sent postcards from everywhere they visited. More often than not, the postcards had been severely damaged by some kind of monster attack, but Dipper and Mabel loved to get them in the mail anyway.

They video chatted every chance they could get. Somehow, a cat had found its way on board the Stan O’ War II, but neither twin had the heart to get rid of it. They found treasure almost every week. Ford had already disproved the Bermuda Triangle, discovered the Kraken, and found the missing Flight 19. Stan had gotten arrested in six countries and gone to prison in none. He learned how to knit and made Ford a pair of gloves with six fingers.

Mabel liked to think she was good at reading people.

And Stan?

Grunkle Stan was the happiest he had ever been.

[borisbubbles]

ESC 2021 Preshow: 08. France

Barbara Pravi - “Voilà”

Autoqualifier

France going from 3rd last on my ranking / likely last place in the finale to 8th place in the ranking / probably top 3 in the Grand Final. 😍 WHAT A GLOW-UP.

So, “Voilà” is epic, obviously. Yeah I will skip the theatrics, each and every one of you know this song and we all know it’s probably the best French entry in ages. 

Funnily enough, I didn’t care for “Voilà” when I first heard it lmfao. It felt similar to the song Patricia Kaas went to Eurovision with and while “Et s’il faillait le faire” has its fans, I was never one of them. Worse, the internet immediately resorted to refering to “Voilà” as a “masterpiece” which is probably the pretentious statement you can make about Eurovision songs. Guys, it’s an Edith Piaf-inspired tribute act. Calm the eff down. Still, even at this early a stage I was instantly charmed by Barbara’s introspection and pluck even if I didn’t care for the music at first. After all, Barbara was the mastermind behind jesc HITS “Bim bam toi” and “J’imagine” and if she wants to bring a song that puts HER SELF at the forefront, she’s perfectly entitled to do so. About fucking time. On top of that, I thought the ending was sublime, even in studio version. “Why can’t the entire song be like that”, I thought. And then, E:CVQD arrived and Barbara SERVED, OUTSOLD, SLAYED, etc every superlative under the sun. 

So remember when I aired my critique regarding Gjon? “Tout l’Univers” is an “Objectively Strong” composition in that it employs music theory to conjure up a song that sounds impressive on first listen. But behind that academic skill lies virtually nothing of interest. I cannot connect with it beyond a base level because what does it tell me about Gjon or his story? Technique without a heart or a soul is merely pretense. But I suppose it can sound sophisticated to someone who doesn’t know what “sophistication” is. 

Barbara, however. Her personality just SPRINGS FORWARD on an approachable level from the first note. “Voilà”s’s technical expertise and Barbara’s own perfomance talents carry this vibe, this SERVE of personality, through the full three minutes without ever getting boring or tedious and they leave me craving for another listen. ALL OF THESE ARE AMAZING TRAITS IN A EUROVISION SONG. And this is just from the studio version, the live stage show makes it even better. 

So yeah, homeboy’s got his work cut out for him because if this is his competition he’ll have to graft hard for his victory.

NF Corner -  C’est Vous Qui Décidez

In what would become a running theme amidst countries this year, France led the charge in a personal project called #OperationForget2020, in which every trace of last year would be subsequently memory-holed. To acheive this, they revived their NF, gave it a new name and pretended it was ~The First NF of Its Format~ (so basically doing what Lithuania did last year when they rebranded Atranka into PiN).

INCIDENTALLY, this would also wind up the best NF of the year, pretty much by default because France had the most to win. Even though Barbara was the obvious winner from the instant the songs were revealed, the French had some excellent back-up options in their arsenal. Let’s rummage through them shall we?

LMK - “Magique”

R&B Trap wench <3 “Magique” starts off pretty and cute for fifteen seconds, before whiplashing hard into kick-ass tropical house territory. Her Slovene spirit mothers Raiven and Lea Sirk are so proud of her <3 She definitely deserved much better than the result she got (being NQ with the audience O_O), but lol it’s France, they ain’t NEVER crowning a sexually confident sassy woman, let’s not kid ourselves. 

Céphaz - “On a mangé le soleil”

This Hat God had me at that title. “We have eaten the sun” 😍😍😍😍. More songs should adopt a fatalistic environmental angle by using consumption-related metaphors à la “we’ve devoured out planet :burp:, MOAR”, and then set this suuuuper cynical and depressing text to an upbeat and optimistic soundtrack <3 The “Hey ya” tease of it all. 😍

Amui - “Maeva”

So cheerful it turns a surly cretin such as myself into a blundering mass of uwu. It’s like a nillies Eurovision semi NQ’er suddenly wandered into the set, so derivative and repetitive and tacky but SO fun and happy-go-lucky <3 The entire premise of “Maeva” is basically like: “VISIT FRENCH POLYNESIA, WE ARE THE MOST HOSPITABLE PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH” <333 using this message in the middle of a worldwide viral pandemic <33333333 Normally fun-trash like this would be murdered at first sight by any jury, but whoops “Maeva” turned out a massive televote hit HEHEE 😛 and finished third in the televote despite being last or second last with the jury. Those Tahitian diasporia votes coming through <3

Adriamad - “Allélujah”

TACKY EUROTRASH <3 Lol when I think of it, did I like this NF because it was good or because it was so fun-trash. Anyway, this display of diversity would normally be on my shitlist but it’s honestly SO OTT in its ~People Of The World Of All Colours Are Equal~ message it circles back into funny. The eye gimmick, the hammy choreography, the obnoxious fusion of several cultures into a nondescript ethnotrash hodgepodge, the fucking LYRICS everything is so funny and so entertaining it’s giving me LIFE. 😍 I’d say it deserved better but “Allélujah” stranding in the demifinal (not a typo) is honestly a much, much more satisfying result <3

Predicted Journey - France

Barbara is going on that Mahmood trajectory, I see. Early fave who gets near unanimous critical acclaim, rules solely on top until the other contenders show up and is then put on the backburner because she’s an autoqualifier and therefore isn’t a part of the “who will qualify?” discussions. Then, the rehearsals will happen and everyone will remember “hey, that French chick we almost forgot about is actually REALLY good” allowing her to pick up momentum again, catapulting her into the top five. So it is written, such it shall be.

The question is... Can she win? 

The answer is: yeah, possibly? At this point we have three potential contenders: Gjon for Switzerland and Destiny for Malta are the main rivals and I’d say Barbara has one big advantage over Gjon and Destiny: She already has a great live performance to back up her potential winner status. In fact, Barbara is a fave to win because we know what she’s going to bring in Rotterdam.  Gjon and Destiny could theoretically still bomb if their staging is off (and both are getting theirs done by Sasha Jean-Baptiste, soooooo) and their contenderness is based on things such as hype and expectation. Barbara meanwhile already had her baptism by fire when she competed in E:CQVD, which she handily won.

The problem though is Gjon Muharremaj. For the average eurofan, France and Switzerland have similar entries and it will result in a tug-of-war between which of them has the better song. Either could win this televote bout, and whoever does could beat Malta.. .but that would require Malta to have a disappointing televote result and with each passing day this is starting to look less likely. (Jury results matter less because they’re probably the top 3).  Personally I don’t really have a preference between Barbara OR Destiny as a win for either would push Eurovision in a better direction (A Gjon win though... I am TERRIFIED that may result in a 2022 contest filled with Vincent Bueno’s and Vasils), but if these three are indeed the top three, Barbara’s position is the most secure although she’s probably also the least likely one to actually win. Pray that I’m wrong though and we can all meet at her flat in Montmartre for a covid-proof afterparty. 

Projected placements:

> Grandfinal: 1st-5th (predicted Runner-up)

THE RANKING: 

01. 02. 03. 04. 05. 06. 07. 08. FRANCE - Barbara Pravi - “Voilà” 09. BULGARIA - Victoria - “Growing up is getting old” 10. LATVIA - Samanta Tina - “The moon is rising” 11. GREECE - Stefania - “Last dance” 12. SWEDEN - Tusse - “Voices” 13. IRELAND - Leslie Roy - “Maps” 14. CROATIA - Albina - “Tick Tock” 15. MOLDOVA - Natalia Gordienko - “Sugar” 16. ITALY - Måneskin - “Zitti e buoni” 17. ALBANIA - Anxhela Peristeri - “Karma” 18. UNITED KINGDOM - James Newman - “Embers” 19. LITHUANIA - The Roop - “Discoteque” 20. ESTONIA - Uku Suviste - “The lucky one” 21. FINLAND - Blind Channel - “Dark side” 22. AZERBAIJAN - Efendi - “Mata Hari” 23. the NETHERLANDS - Jeangu Macrooy - “Birth of a new age” 24. CZECH REPUBLIC - Benny Christo - “Omaga” 25. DENMARK - Fyr og Flamme - “Øve os på hinanden” 26. SLOVENIA - Ana Soklič - “Amen” 27. SWITZERLAND - Gjon’s Tears - “Tout l’Univers” 28. ROMANIA - Roxen - “Amnesia” 29. SERBIA - Huricane - “Loco loco” 30. POLAND - Rafał - “The ride” 31. ISRAEL - Eden Alene - “Set me free” 32. GEORGIA - Tornike Kipiani - “You” 33. PORTUGAL - The Black Mamba - “Love is on my side” 34. SPAIN - Blas Cantó - “Voy a quedarme” 35. NORWAY - Tix - “Fallen Angel” 36. CYPRUS - Elena Tsagrinou - “El Diablo” 37. AUSTRIA - Vincent Bueno - “Amen” 38. NORTH MACEDONIA - Vasil - “Here I stand” 39. GERMANY - Jendrik - “I don’t feel hate”