#also why am i getting spotify notifications. fuck you spotify

[jamiepaige]

Constant Companions Closeup #3: ROT FOR CLOUT

(also on bandcamp and spotify!)

WHAT'S going on guys, welcome back to another Constant Companions Closeup, the show where we take a DEEP DIVE into what makes these tunes tick! Last episode, we went aaaaaall the way there on Not Quite There, and today, we're making that liggity-line go up up up up up with ROT FOR CLOUT featuring VISUALEYES!! Before we get started, remember to SMASH that like button, SLAM subscribe, and FUCK the bell icon. This week's community challenge: leave your credit card info in the comments! Bet you won't!

(*cough*)

---

I check my notifications way too fucking much. It's a habit I'm trying to curb, and to my credit, I am doing better lately, but being chemically predisposed to dopamine deficiencies has done a number on my ability to go five minutes without checking the funny glowing numbers on my phone. Naturally, I also very much seek more validation than I should from the opinions of strangers yadayadayada yeah that's what the song is about but none of that actually has to do with why I started writing this song in the first place.

Have you ever taken a flight with American Airlines?

This was after waking up at 4 in the morning to fly out of Houston thinking I'd be napping on a couch in Ohio by 2 pm at the latest.

I want to make one thing clear here, and that's that I made this bed for myself. Tucked the sheets in and all. You see, on the rare occasions I fly, I normally take Southwest. Southwest does not overbook flights like a lot of other airlines do, so it's a practice I am mostly unfamiliar with. So, when I received a notification on my phone promising genuinely ridiculous amounts of flight credit money in exchange for taking a slightly later flight, I thought - well, shit! That sounds nice!

This is how they trick you. I didn't really realize I'd been tricked until I was on my second flight of the day, sitting in a middle seat at the very back of the plane, heading from Dallas, a city I don't live in, to Washington, DC, a city I was not trying to get to, staring down the barrel of another flight I was destined to get on that had been delayed like two fucking hours.

I became the Joker. All I could do to remain sane was write a song about it. This is how ROT FOR CLOUT came to be.

I guess the moral of the story is this: Don't go to Ohio. And to answer your question,

Yes I am

Not really

No

---

This is a complete sidenote but I want to mention it here: I'm genuinely overjoyed at the amount of people excitedly talking about my songwriting or the intention behind my lyrics. For a long time, it really felt like lyricism was the last thing people cared about from me, while it was always the thing I wanted to take pride in the most... So genuinely, thank you everyone for caring!! Every single fire emoji people have put next to a line I've written has extended my lifespan by multiple years

There's a brief little moment where the song's chords leave the key, doing a really stereotypically jazzy 2-5 movement, and it's one of my favorite parts of the entire song. I'm not really a music theory buff or anything, and I'm certainly not formally trained, but I've always been very passionate about more complicated harmony in otherwise poppy and accessible contexts - bo en's album pale machine really rewrote my brain when I first heard it.

On that note, there are microtones in the vocal melody - During the chorus, some of the rapidly repeated words move up in quarter tones! Possibly the simplest way I could've included microtonality, but I'm genuinely afraid if I learn more than what I already know about it I'll be lost to the darkness.

Obviously, the work of Sasuke Haraguchi was a massive influence on this song, particularly the song Igaku. I think basically everyone on the entire planet has picked up on that at this point, but I do also wanna point out some other songs that were on my mind at the time! (two for three on these posts mentioning louis cole now)

I'd also like to take a moment to spotlight the vocal samples on this! They previously appeared on エビチャーハン!, and they've honestly become some of my favorite samples to throw in things. They're also just a fucking goldmine sincerely

Finally, HUGE thanks to Visualeyes for the delightful synth solo on this!! I had put out a call on Twitter looking for instrumentalists, genuinely originally envisioning a super jazzy piano solo, but their synth playing genuinely brought the whole song together perfectly!

That's about it for this song - though again, if there are any more questions people have, I'd be happy to answer them in the replies to this post or elsewhere!! (*ahem*) THAT'S gonna do it for today's video, folks! Feel free to leave a like, comment, hit the subscribe button for more and click the bell so you don't miss any new videos. Tomorrow? I Wish That I Could Fall. it hurts.

[cordiallyfuturedwight]

music tag games under the cut!

I'm going to cheat and put them all here and also i love each of you thanks for the tags i love them and learning about each of you through them <333 @clutterbugs @wistfulocean @denimnamjoon @leesjieuns

Here's my 2022 Wrapped summary!

using your spotify top 100 playlist, shuffle 10 songs and tag 10 people.

1. Super Tuna - JIN (so glad this one made it) 2. Pure/Honey - Beyonce 3. Karma - Taylor Swift 4. I Know A Place - MUNA 5. People - Agust D 6. Vanilla -KAI 7. Move A Little - Lemondrop 8. 134340 - BTS 9. jealousy - FKA twigs 10. Very, Slowly - BIBI

💛 choose an artist you like and use the name of their songs to answer this as close to the truth as possible! 

name of the artist: The National (my ult group, if you will)

what is your gender: I Need My Girl

describe yourself: Rylan / Don't Swallow the Cap

how do you feel: Where Is Her Head

if you could go anywhere, where you it be: Santa Clara (exactly where I TRIED to buy Taylor Swift tickets.....) / England / Lemonworld

describe your best friend: Green Gloves

your favourite time of day: Dust Swirls in Strange Light

if your life was a tv show, what would it be called: Pink Rabbits (I have named every device in my life Pink Rabbits)

what is life to you: Terrible Love

relationship status: Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks

what do you fear: Weird Goodbyes / Afraid of Everyone

TOP 5 BTS Songs 1. dimple vocal line just popped off with this one (shout out namjoon)! it's fun to listen to in the car and everywhere and it's just a fucking great pop song. 2. HOME it's jimin singing mi casa for me 3. Outro :Ego i don't quite know how to articulate what this song means to me? my most played song on spotify ever (like how did it surpass cruel summer?) i think i just love the message - like JUST TRUST YOURSELF. the self-reflection, the way this is the last song on mots7 when they were originally planning to take a break ok i'm stopping 4. Go Go i am a cynical millennial ofc this is on my list 5. Spring Day i honestly think this one gets to me bc there are so many people in my life that i love so much and only see very briefly and only at certain times of the year and i'm always waiting for the spring day until i see them again honorable mention: boy with luv which is the reason why i'm here at all

no pressure tagging some bbys who tend to like tag games and aren't already tagged above! @aprylynn @jiminsproof @kimchokejin also those of you who tagged me feel free to do any of the ones you haven't already! i'm always here to talk music <3 also you don't have to do ANY of these and just have this notif as a lil kiss, mwah

[violet-varicoseveins]

Something really annoying about autism is that if you're not masking, people don't want to be around you. At least, in my experience.

For example, I'm not in a great mood today. I'm slightly annoyed because my plan for the day was massed up (it's my husband's birthday and we were planning to go to a Mexican place and ended up at Texas roadhouse instead).

I get really annoyed when everyone is asking me for help or asking me a million questions. It makes me ao angry especially when they're things that people can google. It annoys me when people aren't doing things as efficiently as possible, or are doing things in a less efficient way than I would do them. When my husband was trying to figure out how to send my non the address of the restaurant it took hum like 30 seconds of fiddling to do it, and it was driving me crazy. When he makes phone calls, he isn't efficient about it.

We were having issues with his card being declined and he was all angry and pissy that he didn't know why. Turns out the bank had called him like 4 days ago to let him know about suspected fraud but because he doesn't look at his notifications or listen to voicemails he was oblivious.

I had to clear his voicemail box because he won't.

His spotify account also got hacked with him being oblivious and I got it back for him.

I just feel fucking frustrated that I seem to be the only capable person who can do things for myself that aren't that hard.

The other day he was freaking out about being late for dinner with his parents (we were not late) when he is the one who makes it so we are always late for things. I make sure to set multiple alarms and wake him up and he will not get out of bed. Then he takes 45 minutes to shit and I have to factor that in, too. I hate being late.

I'm so fucking tired of this mental load that apparently nobody else seems to deal with. I wish I could be a man just floating through life, oblivious, not doing anything to help myself.

(I love my husband. I am just hormonal and angry and overstimulated)

[zoueriemandzijnopmars]

Okay, I promised a final post in the Sylvia vs. Spotify Wrapped refusing to recognised K3 is her favourite artist saga, so here we go.

So, through the Spotify privacy page you can (because of the GDPR, my beloved) request a download of your data and after a few days you will get an email with the notification that you can download your data as a zip file. If you unpack that you get a bunch of JSON files (which you also get if you do this with Tumblr, but those files are very unreadable. @staff​ can you divide the data in different files like Spotify does maybe?) which you can actually read easily when you open them in a text reader (also Spotify refers you to a list of stuff that’s included). So while that is fun I can’t go through all songs I listened to in the past year manually, so I wrote some Python code to do it for me (thanks a lot Stackoverflow!) and I finally got my actual top 5 artists (after rewriting the files a little to exclude data from before January, I got data from most of last year’s December too, but I deleted that):

K3 (with 1883 streams)

Olivia Rodrigo (with 394 streams)

Ed Sheeran (with 327 streams)

Taylor Swift (with 297 streams)

Leslie Odom Jr. (with 191 streams)

And top 10 songs:

1) good 4 u (with 114 streams) 2) Vliegen Als Een Vogel (with 80 streams) 3) Hallo K3 (with 75 streams) 4) Promises (with 73 streams) 5) Wait for It (with 67 streams) 6) Euphoria - Single Version (with 61 streams) 7) I Want It That Way (with 61 streams) 8) Some Things Never Change (with 60 streams) 9) Nothing Left to Lose (with 57 streams) 10) Voilà (with 56 streams)

(K3 songs are in italics for those unfamiliar with the entire K3 discography.)

Compare that to Spotify’s list:

[Image ID: A cropped picture of Spotify wrapped, the picture is the final overview slide detailing the user’s top artists: 1. Olivia Rodrigo; 2. Ed Sheeran; 3. Leslie Odom Jr.; 4. Phillipa Soo; 5. Krezip, the top songs: 1. good 4 u; 2. Promises; 3. Wait for it; 4. Some Things…; 5. Nothing Left t… (The last two are cut off). End ID]

From Wrapped, we can see some that some points are the same as the data created ones, but even if we simply insert K3 some things seem to be off.

But Sylvia, I hear you say, this data is probably till December and Spotify wrapped only considers your streaming up to October 31st. And I anticipated this, so I made another file of data including only data from January 1st to October 31st, resulting in (don’t judge the amount of K3 songs I listened in November apparently):

Top Artists:

1) K3 (with 1608 streams) 2) Olivia Rodrigo (with 292 streams) 3) Ed Sheeran (with 223 streams) 4) Leslie Odom Jr. (with 169 streams) 5) Krezip (with 145 streams)

Top Songs:

1) good 4 u (with 93 streams) 2) Vliegen Als Een Vogel (with 68 streams) 3) Hallo K3 (with 61 streams) 4) Promises (with 61 streams) 5) Wait for It (with 54 streams) 6) Nothing Left to Lose (with 53 streams) 7) Pina Colada (with 50 streams) 8) Some Things Never Change (with 48 streams) 9) Oya Lélé (with 47 streams) 10) I Want It That Way (with 47 streams)

SOOO, what Phillipa Soo is doing in Spotify Wrapped’s top artists is a big questionmark (fun fact she’s actually 7th in this list, between Queen and Taylor Swift). Apart from that the only problem is the obvious lack of K3 in the Wrapped list, the rest of the order seems to be fine.

For the songs, why Some things Never Change is on spot 4 in Wrapped is also a question, but if we ignore the K3 songs, the rest of the top 5 seems to be more or less correct, but if I then compare it to my top 10 in the playlist, it’s again not really lining up. (Also did you know everything after the top 10 is only partially ordered based on streams, they do this to not put the same artist 10 times in a row.) Like Zitti e Buoni is my number 6, but in my data list it’s 14th, and ignoring the K3 songs it’s still only 10th.

Conclusion: What the fuck Spotify Wrapped.

Now, one final thing to note is that many songs are streamed very similar amounts of times, I have more than 10 songs I streamed exactly 16 times, so small differences in data can lead to a big difference in the final line up. HOWEVER, the amount of K3 streams is so much higher than any other artist that I can confidently claim that Spotify Wrapped fucked up big time on that one. The songs I’m willing to let slide (EXCEPT THE FACT THAT THERE’S NOT ONE K3 SONG IN MY TOP 100 PLAYLIST!), but K3 not being my top artist is just very weird.

Now, finally finally, I will put my code here, so that anyone who wants can use it

import json from collections import Counter if __name__ == '__main__':    with open('filename.json',              encoding='utf8') as f:              #obviously put in your own filename          json_obj = json.load(f)        c = Counter(player['artistName'] for player in json_obj) #Change artistName to trackName for the songs        c = dict(c)    marklist = sorted(c.items(),                      key=lambda x: x[1],                      reverse=True)    sortdict = dict(marklist)    i = 1    for artist in sortdict.keys():        if i > 100: #or another amount of entries you want to see            break        print(str(i) + ") " + artist + " (with " + str(sortdict[artist]) + " streams)")        i +=1

Sources for the code:

https://stackoverflow.com/questions/31894144/unicodedecodeerror-reading-a-json-file

https://stackoverflow.com/questions/28819830/count-occurrences-of-item-in-json-element

https://stackoverflow.com/questions/37228114/opening-a-json-file-in-python

[everybodyscupoftea]

the treat

frat jj x reader

a night in raleigh with your boyfriend

um this is way past overdue, i’m so sorry this took so long :/

(warnings: cursing, drinking, mostly proofread)

Between the whole appendicitis thing and the tramp stamp and just generally being there for you whenever you needed it, you thought JJ was past due you treating him to something. You weren’t entirely sure how you wanted to do it until one afternoon, you got a twitter notification about Canes single game tickets going on sale.

You knew that JJ had grown up pretty poor and despite having played hockey and been a fan, had never been to an NHL game. It seemed like the perfect plan, the one game that the Stars were in Carolina was even on a Friday night, so you saved up and bought the two of you really good seats, a few rows up from the glass.

Secret keeping wasn’t your forte, especially with JJ, everything you heard you pretty much told him, so it was extra hard trying to suppress your excitement about the game. You told your whole family and some of your friends to make up for it, the game was like two months away, you had to tell someone.

When the day came, you went to the frat house before JJ got home from class and grabbed his Stars jersey out of the closet. Drew, the other Canes fan, was sitting on the couch and he looked up when you walked in, “Oh what’s up?”

You gave him a fist bump, “Getting ready for the game.”

Drew nodded, “You want me to chip in for beer, might join you and JJ watching it down here.”

With a small smile you declined, “Actually I got us tickets for it. Four rows up.”

His eyebrows shot up, “Alright, that’s sick. JJ’s a lucky man.”

You laughed, “Remind him of that sometimes for me.”

JJ got home just as you were getting in your car to wait for him and walked over to you after parking. He looked confused, “Babe, did we have plans?”

“Not really, but I was thinking we could go get dinner in Raleigh tonight.”

He put his hands in his pockets and you could practically hear the wheels in his brain spinning as he tried to figure out if he’d missed an important date or something. He was staring at your outfit, a hoodie and jeans, trying to guess the vibe of where you were planning on going. Taking pity on him, you added, “It’s just something fun, you didn’t forget an anniversary.”

With a shrug, JJ said, “Sounds good to me, I’m going to change and then we’ll go?”

“Yeah, I’ll drive,” you added.

He really looked confused after that, you rarely drove for several reasons including your love hate relationship with Google Maps and parking. You waited in the car, scrolling aimlessly through Spotify, trying to calm yourself down, it wasn’t time to get excited yet.

JJ got in the passenger seat wearing jeans and a nice pullover that you’d gotten him for his last birthday. He leaned over the console, kissing you before pulling away to buckle in. You started backing out as he asked, “How was your day today?”

“Pretty good, didn’t do much because my class got cancelled. How about you?”

“My test went well I think, and I met with my advisor about scheduling next semester.”

You hummed in response and focused on merging onto the interstate, already a little nervous. The GPS was muted, so JJ wouldn’t hear where you were going, but that also meant you were having to drive and navigate at the same time.

By the time you got near the arena there was a line of cars and JJ was looking out the window in confusion. He looked over at you, “This restaurant is pretty poppin, huh? Hope you got a reservation.”

“I did,” you answered with a snort.

He leaned his head against the window as you turned off the main road onto the one that leads to the parking lot. When you pulled into a spot decently far from the arena he perked up, looking at the building curiously.

“Wait, where are we right now?”

You grinned, pulling his jersey out from the backseat, “I might have lied a little bit about where we’re going.”

“Holy fuck, you got us tickets?”

“I did.”

JJ whooped loudly, getting out of the car to tug his jersey on and run around to pull you out and into a hug. You laughed at his excitement, and he spun you around a few times. He pulled away enough for you to put your jersey on and then retake his hand.

“I wondered why we were going out on a night the Canes were playing.”

“Well, now you know.”

“I do,” he said, swinging your linked hands back and forth between the two of you. The tickets were on your phone luckily, and you were able to keep your seat location a secret. Doors had already opened, so the two of you were able to walk in, and you pulled him to a stop at the first bar.

JJ immediately started to pull out his wallet and you pushed his hand, “Nah, I got it all tonight.” He went to protest and you interrupted before he could start, “Babe, you have my initials tatted into your back and a belly button piercing for me. Please let me buy you a beer.”

He laughed loudly and put his wallet back, “Fair enough.”

You ordered two Bud Lights and handed him one before pulling him along behind you. It looked like he was about to go up the escalator to the upper section, but you grinned, “Nah, babe, we’re going down.”

“What?”

He was shocked when you finally stopped, four rows up from the glass, close to center ice. It was rare JJ, who always had something to say, was speechless, but he was. You grabbed the front of his jersey and pulled him into a kiss, and when the two of you broke apart, you asked, “So, what do you think?”

“What do I think? I think this is fucking awesome!”

“I knew you’d never been to an NHL game before and I thought it would be kind of fun.”

“Kind of? This is going to be a fucking blast!”

The whole night, the smile never left his face, even when you were chirping his team’s inability to score. After another whiffed shot, you looked over, “Y’all got Seguin, and for what? Less scoring?”

JJ put you in a gentle headlock and ruffled your hair, “Put some respect on his name, it’s one off night.”

“Nah, baby, tell that to your abysmal road record.”

“Damn,” he responded with a pout, “you don’t have to come for the Stars like that.”

“I do when they’re playing my team, bitch.”

“You better watch your mouth; I feel a comeback on the way.”

“Oh, I’ll believe it when I see it.”

JJ was wrong, but he still had a great time. Screaming along with the other Stars fan in your section when the Canes missed an empty net. Everyone was standing at the end when the Stars had a powerplay and you gripped on his jersey sleeve.

“Ah fuck,” he told you when the final buzzer went off.

You laughed, “Shoutout baby!”

JJ reached around and pulled your hood up over your head. You squealed and tried to shove him off. He laughed, “What do you have to say to me now?”

Finally pushing him away, you fixed your hood and glared at him, “Your team sucks.”

He staggered, hand coming up to his heart with a fake look of hurt, “Baby, your words cut deep.”

You grinned, “Since you’re the loser, you have to give me a piggy back ride all the way to the car.”

“You can’t walk?”

“I had five beers,” you told him, holding up four fingers.

“Okay, yeah, fair enough.”

JJ pulled the two of you off to the side, away from the flow of foot traffic, and let you climb on his back. You draped your arms over his shoulders and tugged at the strings on his jersey. He huffed, “God, you weren’t this drunk during the game.”

“I was sitting, now I am standing. Hits different.”

“Where are the keys?”

You reached around, pulling them out of your back pocket, and handed them to him. JJ let you down by the passenger seat and opened the door after unlocking the car. Climbing in, you pulled the seatbelt across while JJ closed the door and jogged over to the other side.

“Feel like eating?” he asked, starting the car up.

“Chick-fil-a,” you told him, already searching Google Maps for it.

JJ took your phone with a sigh when you got sidetracked and picked the closest location. By the time he pulled in, the parking lot was packed and you groaned, leaning dramatically against the window. His lips quirked up briefly before saying, “We’ll go drive-thru and pull off somewhere to eat in the car.”

“Oh my god, a genius.”

JJ laughed, “I’m glad you think so.”

He knew your order, and you lost track of time as he pulled through, only zoning back in when JJ shifted to dig the wallet out of his shorts. You slapped lightly at his hand, “No, my treat.”

With a sigh, he took your wallet. When he handed you the food, he held a finger up, “Last time tonight you’re paying for me ma’am.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you dismissed, giggling and slapping his hand away when he reached for the bag to dig out a fry.

“The betrayal,” he gasped, dramatically, and pulled into a parking space so the two of you could eat, “my very own girlfriend won’t allow me sustenance.”

“My money, my food,” you told him playfully, batting his hand away again.

“I will leave you in Raleigh,” he threatened.

“You won’t.”

“Bet.”

“Alright, bet,” you raised your eyebrows and crossed your arms, and after about a twenty second stare-off, he looked away in defeat. You cheered and handed him his sandwich, “That’s right, can’t ditch me.”

He shook his head, snorting quietly, “You know I never want to.”

“I-“ you started, “you’re such a sap.”

“Only for you, babe.”

“Good. You’re the only man I’d ever buy hockey tickets for.”

“Good.”

[deadly-posts]

Rewind

[Suna Rintarou x Reader]

2.5k words

[Tw: toxic relationship; mention of drug use; panic attack; blood]

Perhaps it wasn’t about the way the day started as a boring one, because there was no yelling from them or the fact that his wounds were getting better and you almost couldn’t see them anymore or just the fact that it seemed like a normal day from the start of their relationship. 

It was uncanny. All the loud silence in their small apartment and the clean air, which was something he didn’t get as much as he would like to. There was no smell of weed or any kind of drug, just a peaceful atmosphere. Why? 

Why there were no plates threw to him? Why were there no joints put in his mouth without permission? Why they weren’t yelling and throwing fists in his face? Did they overdose themselves, again? Did they faint from a withdrawal? Were they in pain? And if so, why did he feel so good and released when he imaged them suffering and leaving him alone? Or a better question: why did he felt also lonely when he saw their lifeless body in his mind?

“Love? Are you okay?” his voice was trembling, maybe with fear or with relief, perhaps both and none, confusion of feeling hit him, Will they answer, will the silence remain as an empress over the so-called home of them. He feared what he can find once he gets to their shared room. Maybe it was the thought of being alone again, or the thought that he would enjoy it because they would free him from their grasp once and for all. Would he find someone better? Or maybe he didn’t deserve a rewind of this fucked up route he took when he first fell in love.

A giggle made him jump out of his skin. The lord just laughs in his face because he thought that this could end so easily. It was their laugh, and it was drenched in LSD or ecstasy. He couldn’t tell the difference anymore, anyway. Should he go get some water, hoping it will calm them down? Perhaps he should just move his legs already before something bad would happen.

He opened forcefully, the door which was protecting them from the eyes of strangers that somehow always came in the apartment to get their daily dose of something, drugs or his food. For the love of God, he knows this isn’t how a relationship should look like, but be dammed their hold was comforting in all those lonely nights. Their soft hands on his skin and the way they wiped his tears in the beginning. He missed that. 

“Rin!” their voice was so sweet, maybe a little too sweet. Sweet enough to make you throw up only after you smell it. “Sweetie, there is a party, a good one! You can invite as many people as you want, the more the better as long as they know how to keep their mouth shut.” Their hands found their way around his neck as two snakes that would never let him go, neither kill him, they were just playing with their mouse. Their lips painted passionless kisses on his cheeks and almost kissed him on the lips, yet he felt it was wrong so he moved his head away. 

“Did you- just now? Oh God, Rin, I thought we got over those incidents. Can’t you just let me kiss my boyfriend? I miss your lips, darling.” slaty-sweetly words were those. He wanted to kiss them too, but they weren’t the person he fell in love, they weren’t the high school sweetheart anymore. He wanted to say all those words, he wanted to yell and throw a tantrum because he feels suffocated. 

But in another part of the same city, much closer than you would have thought there was Osamu Miya talking on his phone with a friend, [y/n], perhaps just catching up with each other or just chatting about an annoying blonde with a brown undercut. 

“One sec, [y/n], someone else is calling me. I’m going to come back to you.” the grey-haired twin said as he put you on hold and answer the other call. “Yes?” he said, more as a question because he didn’t bother to see whose name was on the screen. It surprised him to hear his other friend's voice, Suna, almost begging him to come to a party with as many trustworthy people as he can.

“Please, I don’t think I can go through the entire night, hell! I don’t even know if I can go through the whole day without someone next to me.” it wasn’t something that never happened before, Osamu knew about the way his relationship was going and told him so many times to end it, that he is there if he needed someone to be next to him when it happens but every time Suna would say that he loves them and would never give them up so easily.

“Ok ... fine, but I am going to bring only one more person, I hope. They might help you with- you know what.” as he said that on the other side of the phone call Rintarou smiled and thanked his friend for always agreeing with his pledge of help. As Osamu said that, Rin closed the phone call, which meant he can go back to talking with [y/n] and asking her to go to the party with him. “I’m back, did you miss me?” he asked playfully, which made you roll your eyes back. It wasn’t every day Osamu Miya made jokes like that. 

“Sure, I did Samu, but what's with the playfulness out of nowhere?” you asked with a soft smile on your lips as you placed yourself on your bed getting comfy for an all-nighter on your phone with Ao3 and Spotify. Little did you know, Samu had already made other plans for you.

“You see, I have this friend, and he invited me to a party, and I was thinking we should go together - I mean as friends! I kinda need your help with something.” as he said that, a notification sound made him jump a little, Suna just texted him the address “And you can’t say no! Remember the time when I helped you with Atsumu’s flirting? You still didn’t repay me for pretending to be your boyfriend.” he continued without giving you the time to say that you just want to be lazy in your bed. 

Next thing you know is that you were searching for some clothes which were decent for a party late at night. As soon as you found something, Samu texted you that he just arrived in front of your apartment complex. You put some shoes on, took your phone and charger in your pockets, locked the door [please remember to always lock your door kids] and gone you were. 

As he said, in front of the complex, Osamu was leaning on a random wall looking at his phone, probably scrolling through Instagram. He didn’t seem to have come with a car which made you think he was going to drink at the party or maybe the location was closer than you would have thought. You waved at him to catch his attention, and you did. Samu raised his head from the phone and smiled at you.

“Thought you change your mind. Even if you couldn’t because if you would have I would just drag you with me, with a leash and all.” the young adult said giggling and handing you a bag with onigiri and some water. “Just a reminder to stay hydrated and healthy.”

“Kinky, man.” you said as you took an onigiri out and started munching on it. “Oh, I guess the party is close or maybe you want to drink and that’s why I don’t see your car here?” you asked with your mouth full, which made Samu almost choke on his own onigiri while walking in a direction. He nodded, but you didn’t know which was correct. Was it close, or he wanted to drink? “Dude, yes what?”

“Yes, the party is close.”

After 20 minutes of walking, you took a turn and end up in a small alley which had a coffee shop, or what it looks like a coffee shop, which had tons of different colours lights going out through the windows. You guess that’s where the party was, but damn, those lights made you dizzy if you stared at them too much. “Here we are.” Osamu’s voice made its way to your ears, and a sigh escaped you. “I know I should have told you before getting here, but it’s a drug party - I don’t do them ... and this is why I end up taking you here. I told you my friend invited me here, yea? Well, he is here because his toxic someone and I know how sweet you can be, so I thought that if I get you two to meet -”

“You want to set me up with someone who has a partner???? Dude, it’s not like I don’t understand your reason, but your friend made his own decision to remain in the toxic relationship.” you said and the boy next to you sighed, but that didn’t stop him from pushing you through the door. He just wanted to make you two to get to see each other at least. “You motherf-” you were about to swear but you got blinded, for a moment, by the lights.

The music wasn’t as loud as you thought but the smoke was like a veil over the whole location, and the smell, the smell made your head hurt, good thing you had a forgotten mask in one of your pockets so you putted on. It wasn’t like it actually helped with something, but the smell minimizes a little. Samu said he is going to search for his friend and left you were you were, alone with nobody you knew. “This piece of shit, left me with junkys and nobody that I know. He just said ‘bye-bye’ and puff he disappeared.” you cursed the grey-haired twin. You moved through the sea of people, searching for a place you could sit.

You finally found a chair, and you sat down. It wasn’t like you walked that much, but you did have in plan to just stay in your bed all night and read. You threw back your head and silently yelled from frustration. “He could just let me be, but noo he had to drag me here for his match up power.” you mumbled, at least he gave you a bottle of water before entering this place, who knows what could be in the drinks.

“You really will not let me kiss you?! You are my boyfriend, mine! Nobody’s else! You piece of trash nobody would have been with you! I took you!” yells made you raise your head to see what is happening. A person with black hair and bad posture was getting yelled by another unknown person. See, this is why you don’t complicate yourself with relationships.

“Fuck you! You aren’t the person I fell in love with! You are just another junky who wants to feel validation!” the black-haired person yelled back, which made the first person throw to the poor man a glass made bottle in to his face. Blood started dripping from his nose, lips and forehead. What the actual hell? What is wrong with the person who just threw the bottle?! You sat up in mere seconds and made your way to the two of them. You instinctively caught the wrist of the black-haired man and pulled him away.

“You psycho! No need to make him bleed! You could just talk it out!” you yelled at them and after you ran out, on the balcony with the bleeding person. When the fresh air hit your face, you took down the mask and made the man sit down. “Let me take care of those wounds, okay?” you said as you inspected his face to be sure that there is no piece of glass in it. Luckily enough, there wasn’t any, so you wiped the blood from his face. He had a pretty face, his eyes were dark but told you so much about his experience, his jaw wasn’t sharp but it matched his vibe. He looked like he was about to cry. Poor him. “I’m [y/n].” you said tenderly as you stopped wiping the blood.

“I- um, I’m Suna Rintarou.” he said, and his voice was trembling, which made you see that his entire body was shaking too. This man was abused before, for sure. If it was the first time you bet, he wouldn’t have been here with you. “I-I’m sorry for the trouble.” he continues, taking your hands in his hands and putting them away from his face. “It’s fine, everything it’s fine now.” you whispered, not pulling your hands from his. He looked like he needed a soft touch on his own accord right now. 

His breathing was going back to normal, but a well to known voice made him shake so hard and hyperventilate. “No, no, no... they’re going to find me!” this looked like a panic attack, no joke. “Hey, hey look at me,” you said softly “they won’t ever touch again. I’m right here.” His eyes were becoming teary and he could barely breathe normally, his every breath was caught in his throat and his face was changing colours becoming pale almost blue. “Suna-san! Please calm yourself.” you tried to snap him out of it “Suna-san, can I kiss you?” 

Even if he couldn’t hear well, he heard the question which caught him by surprise and made his breath come to normal a little. You knew you just had to distract him from the thing that made him panic. “What?” he asked, confused, and that made you smile. “Thank goddess you are back to normal.” 

“I wouldn’t say no.” he mumbled to himself. He couldn’t lie to himself anymore. He knew that this is the last time he is going to see his partner- no, his ex. He won’t accept this treatment. He fell out of love a long time ago, he just despised the feeling of being lonely that was all that kept him next to them. “You can kiss me, if you still want!” 

His reaction was so innocent, which only made you lean and kiss his cut lips, still tasting the dry blood on them. You didn’t know if you wanted to go further from this sweet kiss, because it might trigger him, but for your surprise he actually asked permission with his tongue to explore more of your mouth and you accepted. His tongue was exploring every inch of your mouth, perhaps finding comfort in this. A soft moan escaped him and his face was flushed. His hands found their way to your cheeks and pulled you closer, maybe because he enjoyed this so much and didn’t want to let go to this serotonin hormone.

“I see you met each other.” the voice of your best friend, nobody else that Samu ruined the moment.

[septicbro1005]

Paint Me How You See Me

A/N: Okay, you have no idea how excited I was to see that I had permission to write this. I literally am so happy I could scream. Will I? Not out loud. This actually made me so excited that I got up and started walking around my room and smiling holy shit. Alright. Enough of that. I was inspired to write this story by a comic made by the fantastic @venadorosas​ and I just am so damn excited to write this! I am not an art student myself, but I will do my best to replicate it with what I know. I hope I do the comic justice! Just a few more things before this thing starts: I'm gonna do myself and make this a Quirkless AU as well as make Yuuei a university instead of a high school. This is unedited, so if there are sentences or misspellings, that is why, and I apologize. Anyway, let's get rolling!

Kirishima's POV

One stroke after the other.

Small, swift.

One stroke makes a world of a difference.

So don't… mess… up.

I only have one canvas left after this one, but I'm saving it for something important. Something special. Just need to figure out what.

I mean, yeah, I have others on back order, and Mr. Miyoshi is usually pretty cool with giving me some, but I still need to think about what to do with the 106 cm by 106 cm canvas.

A canvas that big needs something worth being put on there.

"Psst, Kiri--" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhut," I hissed out through clenched teeth.

"You nee--" "I said shut,"

"B--" "No. Shut. Lemme finish,"

The person who proceeded to pester me, even after I told him to be quiet, was none other than Hanta Sero.

He was an art student, along with myself and several others I know by name.

One of which was Katsuki Bakugou.

And damn, was he confusing.

He was this aloof dude who talked to maybe two people by his own volition.

Some random girl who I see him talk to ever now and again. I think we've spoken twice? All I remember is she told me to call her Tsu.

And then me.

Sure, he'd talk to the professors and people like that, but if he didn't have to speak, he wouldn't.

Yet, he spoke to me.

Not only did he barely talk to people, but he also is probably one of the best looking people on campus.

I kid you not, the first time I saw this dude, I was totally sure I'd met Adonis in human form.

His ash blond hair was styled into a fluffy undercut that I would pay money for to be able to run my hands through, even once. His gauges and helix piercings gave him a bit of an edge, but that's what made him more alluring. He came into class one day, wearing a wife beater, which put a tattoo on full display, resting on his right shoulder.

It isn't just his looks that are attractive either. The way he holds himself, presents himself, just his whole aura is indescribable, to keep it brief.

And he was the person I was painting this for.

This wasn't his first commission. Not by a long shot. And this one was fairly simple as well. Still, I poured my heart and soul into it, just like every piece.

But with his commissions, I feel the need to work that much harder. To push myself that much farther. To make it perfect, in a word.

Now, I know that perfection is impossible, but I still want to achieve it.

I mean, if Bakugou could, I could too, right?

"Kirishima, I've been talking to you for the past couple of seconds and you haven't shushed me. Don't zone out on me right now, man,"

Sero's voice managed to pull me out of this trance, but only a bit.

The ash blond with the scarlet glare was still in the back of my mind.

"What?"

"You need lunch, man," Sero said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Listen, I thank you for your concern, but I had a protein shake maybe six hours ago. I'm dandy," I mumbled, doing a few more soft strokes before standing up. "Plus, I'm not even hungry," 

"Dunno what kind of protein shake you're drinking, but you still need sustenance. C'mon," Sero attempted to persuade me as I walked to the sink to clean the small brush.

"I'm cool, dude. I have a granola bar or two in my bag. I'll eat when I'm hungry," I chuckled lightly, turning on the water and cleaning the brush.

Sero sighed in defeat, as this marked the second week in a row where I substituted breakfast with a protein drink and lunch with a granola bar.

"Alright, fine. Make sure you eat dinner tonight, or Mr. Miyoshi is gonna kick you out again," Sero said, beginning to walk to the door.

"I know, I know,"

"I'll be off, then,"

"Peace out, dude,"

I heard the door to the studio shut, and it was just me in here.

Just me and the paint.

"Hey, Siri,"

My phone lit up, hearing its name.

"Play Rex Orange County on Spotify,"

As I began to finish up some touches on the snow covered forests surrounding a bright red cardinal, the song Uno filled my ears.

The song had no real relevance, but I love that song so much. I dunno if its just because it sounds so simple and sweet, but I just think the song's pretty great.

I'd say after maybe forty-five minutes of doing seemingly pointless touch-ups, I stood back, admiring my work.

Not much needed to be done, but I needed this to be phenomenal.

"I'll just use a simple varnish once everything is dry, then I can move it into the back," I muttered to myself, as if someone was there and I had to be quiet. "Can I finish it today? I could tell him where it is, and wait for the money to come in, I guess,"

A few seconds pause later, and I continued.

"Wow, great job, Eijirou. You sound like a dickwad who just wants money,"

A short sigh, a granola bar and maybe a half an hour or so later, everything seemed dry.

"Let's varnish this motherfucker, and I'll text him when that's done," I mumbled, going into the cabinets, looking for the varnish.

No other assignments at the moment… okay! Cool! I can probably head back to my dorm, chill there, and text Bakugou when it's done!

When I finally found it, I got to work on the varnish.

***

"And sent," I whispered as I approached the dormitories.

I just sent Bakugou a short text, telling him where to find it, how to send me the money (although he probably knows the process by heart at this point) and all that jazz.

My dorm building was in sight when my phone buzzed once.

It was a different buzzing pattern than all the others.

"Oh, Bakugou responded this quickly?" I thought aloud.

Opening my phone, I checked the message.

Sent the ¥321.7K 

My eyes widened at the number.

"I sure as hell didn't tell him to send me that much, what the hell?"

                                                   What!? The commission was only ¥48.2K?!

His response was immediate.

Left a tip.

Get yourself something nice.

"Whoa," I murmured.

Now, I knew Bakugou was on the higher end of the economic spectrum, but hot damn! 

He did usually give me more money than I told him to, but that fact that he gave me that much more this time just seemed to solidify the thought of him being rich.

So manly.

Heading into my dorm building, I looked to the elevators, only to see an out of order sign on them both.

"Are you kidding me?" I whispered. "Fine, guess I'm just gonna take the damn stairs,"

I got a notification, seeing the ¥321.7K was successfully put into my account, and I knew this commission was over.

But at this point, I knew what to expect from Bakugou. Next time I see him, he's gonna ask me about another one.

Not that I mind, not one damn bit. I'm cool with any excuse to talk to him, and I'm happy to please him with my art.

I just gotta brace myself for the next time I see him.

Trudging up the stairs, I began pondering what he would want next.

He seems to really like requesting animals, mainly birds such as crows and cardinals, but will he do something different? Ooh, maybe a peacock! Or maybe he'd want some other winged creature… like maybe an insect? Or possibly he'll switch it up on me.

As I ended up on the next staircase, I heard someone else's footsteps approaching.

Looking up, my eyes were met with a familiar scarlet pair of eyes.

"Oh, hey, Bakugou!" I said with a wave.

"Hey," he replied with a simple nod.

Fuck, he was just as gorgeous as always.

A grey turtleneck hugged his torso, with a black and white pinstripe button up on over it. The shirt was tucked into a pair of black jeans, a wallet chain dangling on his right side. A pair of black converse and a dog tag finished his look, alongside my composure.

"Thanks again for the great work," he said, his husky voice hypnotizing me further.

"You haven't already picked it up, have you?" I asked, cocking my head to the side. "I don't think I saw you walk past me to get to the parking lot,"

"Nah, but I know it's gonna look good," his compliment was accompanied by a smirk.

Short-lived, yes. But a smirk nonetheless.

"Aw, thanks dude! Always happy to make something for my best customer!" I felt myself beam at him. 

"See you around, Red," he said, continuing down the stairs.

"Bye," I waved with a small smile on my face as he disappeared down the stairs.

I quickly hauled ass up to my floor, speed walked to my door and slammed the keys in.

Gay panic in private, dude.

Opening the door, I pulled my key out and shut the door.

"I'm back, Omi!" I shouted into the apartment to see if my roommate was here.

"Hey," my roommate responded from his bed.

"Is it cool if I hop in the shower real quick?" I asked, jerking a thumb toward the bathroom.

"Sure thing. Keep it brief," Omi said, making me roll my eyes.

"Okay, dad," I sighed, but I gave a smile to show it was all in jest.

After locking myself in the bathroom and stripping myself down to absolutely nothing, I got in the shower and had a gay crisis.

Because that's the only place you can have those, y'know?

But a good ol' Panic! In The Shower was enough to calm my nerves.

As I stepped out of the bathroom to grab clothing, I heard Omi laughing.

"What?"

"That Bakugou guy really messes you up, huh?" his laughter was thrown in between words, but I knew exactly what he was referencing.

"If I'm being too loud, just knock on the door, dude! Tell me to shut it, I don't care," I flushed, looking at the ground, my hand tightening around the towel that hung on my waist.

Omi just kept laughing at me as I grabbed my clothes; a simple crimson riot shirt, boxers, black shorts and my wave socks.

It isn't like I'm going anywhere tonight, right?

…

Is what I originally thought until I was dressed and realized I left my motherfucking cardigan at the studio.

"Ugh, fuck," I groaned, rubbing a towel on my head.

"Left your cardigan again?"

"Perhaps," 

"You might as well just wrap it around your waist," Omi suggested.

"And risk getting paint on it?" I looked at Omi like he was a motherfucking psychopath. "Hell no. The cardigan was my grandmother's, so I ain't doing shit to it,"

"Clearly, if you're leaving it in the studio again," Omi mumbled.

"Shush!" I whined, grabbing my keys and slipping on my red sneakers. "I'll be back,"

"Okay,"

Leaving my dorm, I began going down the stairs when I ran into someone.

It was Bakugou, again.

And just when I thought my gay panic was over for the day.

"Oh, hey," I said as casually as possible.

Which probably sounded forces as fuck, because it felt like my heart was just about ready to implode.

"Red," Bakugou was looking me up and down.

I don't think I've ever felt more self-conscious about my appearance in my life.

"I've got another request, if it isn't too much,"

"O-oh, okay!" 

Why did I stutter?! That was so unmanly!

"So, what is it?"

I looked into his gorgeous eyes, trying to see further into him, but I was only met with his right hand slamming into the wall next to my head.

Oh shit, oh fuck. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna collapse, right here. Right now. I can't handle this.

"Uh, dude? You--" "Paint me how you see me, Kirishima,"

Uh, what?

I was stuck between saying "Got it," and "What?" so my dumbass just responded with this:

"Gweh?"

We sat there, in silence, staring at each other.

My face was flushing bright red, and I wanted to look away, but I didn't. I couldn't. His eyes just drew me in.

He moved his arm to his side, and began to head up the stairs.

Quick, say something coherent!

"O-on it!"

I swear, I saw him smile a bit before he was completely gone.

What was I doing again?

***

It's been around three weeks.

It's been three weeks of planning, sketching, and small, swift strokes.

And plenty of panic, but that's irrelevant. There was a bit of disco, so it balances out anyway.

Mr. Miyoshi did end up setting a curfew on me, to make sure I didn't pass out at the studio, but it wasn't set until it had already happened.

But, since I wanted to work on it after the curfew, I brought it to the dorm, keeping it on newspaper and buying the paint I needed.

I had the picture in my mind, which I did my best to replicate without him genuinely modelling for me.

It was a ¾ shot of his shirtless back, with him looking over his right shoulder, giving a perfect view of his side profile. I also made sure I replicated his tattoo to the best of my abilities, and I think it came out okay.

But that isn't all!

Monarch butterflies lined his back, as a fiery looking echo was placed slightly to the left. 

Those warm colors contrasted like hell, compared to the blues and navy of the background.

Just to fuck around with more color, flecks of brighter colors adorned the background, giving it sort of galaxy look.

I thought it looked gorgeous.

And not just because it's Bakugou.

You know how when you make something, and you worked so damn hard on it, and when it's done, you're just filled with pride?

This is one of those works for me.

"Omi!" I yelled about before cringing.

It's 01:35.

"Yeah?" 

Why the fuck does he sound like he's been awake?

"First of all, have you been awake this whole time? Second of all, could you grab me my phone?" I said a little quieter.

"It's done?" Omi asked, coming over with my phone.

"I'm happy with it," I said with a huge grin.

"Looks fantastic," Omi pat my shoulder before walking off.

Using my nose, I unlocked my phone and took a picture before putting my phone down.

I just looked at the painting, with Bakugou's slight pout catching my eyes.

I have absolutely zero clue what came over me, but I lifted my forefinger to my mouth, and pressed a small peck to it.

My forefinger rested against the painting's lips, and I just felt warm.

And that was probably the best feeling ever.

I gotta give this to him in person. It's about time I told him.

***

What floor are you on again?

                                                                                    Number two. Room 204.

Okay, I'm coming over.

I let out a shuddery breath, looking at the canvas, which I covered with a blanket.

I need to tell him.

It's time.

I kept opening my phone, making sure I had the song ready to play at the click of a button.

He needs to know.

A loud knock landed on my door, and I jumped.

I walked over to the door, playing the song as I opened it.

"Hey, Bakugou! Come in!"

The ash blond entered, wearing a button up and jeans again, just no turtleneck this time.

"So, I wanted to give this one to you in person… because I…" I was stumbling over my words.

Calm down, Eijirou. You got this.

"Because this could very well be the last commission you want from me,"

This made Bakugou's usual deadpan change ever so slightly. His left brow rose up as his head tilted to the side.

"And why might that be?"

"I…"

Fucking say it.

Spit it out.

"I like you," I barely got out before throwing my gaze at the ground. "I like you a lot. You're just so cool and collected, and from what I know about you, I like it. And I want to know more. I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but I just had to get that out," 

Before I even looked at him, I walked over to the painting, still looking at the ground, and pulled the blanket off.

Everything was silent, except for the music in the background. But even the song was at a quieter part than the rest of it.

I felt Bakugou's eyes on me and not the painting, which terrified me to no end.

Should I have even said anything?

"You don't have to pay if you don't want to or if you don't like it. And…" I took in a shaky breath, looking at the ground, lazily gesturing to the painting and then myself. "If you don't want to be friends anymore, if you even thought of us as friends, then you can ignore me,"

His footsteps were soft, but I knew they were coming. So when his black converse appeared in my vision, I looked off to the side as my vision blurred with tears that threatened to spill. 

A finger went under my chin, turning my face to him.

His eyes met mine, and he was smiling.

"You really are oblivious, huh?"

"Gweh?"

Fucking, again?

Bakugou laughed before leaning in a bit, his head turning to the left.

"Can I kiss you as a tip?"

My whole brain has short-circuited, but I turned my head to the right and leaned in closer.

My eyes slowly closed, and when his lips met mine, I was immediately thrown into a state of euphoria.

Holy shit, this is happening.

This is actually happening!

I couldn't help the smile that bloomed on my face as I draped my arms over his shoulders, and I couldn't stop laughing either.

It was so fucking amazing.

Small blazes of tears made tracks down my cheeks, but I didn't care. Unless my nose starts running, I'm not gonna let some tears mess up this kiss.

But, all good things must come to an end, as Bakugou pulled back.

His eyes were on mine, and for once, they were soft. A small grin was pasted on his features, his hands on my face.

"Why are you crying?" he asked as his thumb rubbed at my dampened cheek.

I just felt myself giggle in response. 

"Well, I was originally gonna cry because I thought you wouldn't be cool with my confession, but these tears quickly turned sweet," I just couldn't stop laughing. "Shit, I'm so happy,"

We just stood there for a few moments of content silence before Bakugou spoke up.

"So, how the hell am I supposed to bring this painting to my dorm?" 

"I can help you bring it up there!" I offered.

"I get to bring two masterpieces to my dorm? Great!" Bakugou oozed confidence as he said that.

"Dear christ," I began giggling again, since that was unexpected.

We grabbed the painting, and I made sure Bakugou was careful with it, but was also holding it properly.

"Hey, Omi! Could you get the door?"

"Sure,"

"Your roommate was here?" Bakugou asked.

"Well, it's his dorm too." I pointed out as Omi got the door for me. "Plus, it isn't like I wasn't so obviously crushing on you,"

"It really wasn't," Omi said, patting my back carefully. "But congratulations to the both of you,"

"Thanks, Omi,"

Bakugou just gave a small murmur to thank Omi.

"Alright, Bakugou, you go through the door first, then we can keep walking," I said, turning us so Bakugou could walk out the door properly.

"Okay,"

After a quick minute of maneuvering, we managed to get the painting up the stairs without damaging it.

"So you're which dorm?"

"302," Bakugou said as we got to his door.

"Coolio!" I grinned.

"Dork," Bakugou snickered at me. "How d'you want this to be put down?"

"We can just rest it against the wall," I said, propping the painting up on the wall.

"Give me a quick sec," Bakugou mumbled, unlocking the door.

He swung the door open and made sure it stayed open. 

"Alright,"

"At this point, I'm gonna follow you. You know where you wanna put this?" I asked him.

"Uhm… I think Misumi wouldn't mind if I placed this on his side of the room until I know exactly where to hang it," Bakugou said as we walked into the room.

***

My paintings were all on the wall. The snow surrounded cardinal, the murder of crows, all of them.

Except one.

The other paintings sort of made a frame, with a 106 cm x 106 cm square in the middle.

"Hey, honey?" I called out.

"What's up, Rourou?" Katsuki asked from the other room.

"Could you grab me the step ladder?"

"Shorty," I heard Katsuki laugh.

"I heard that, Katsu! You aren't as quiet as you think!"

"Says you, of all people!" Katsuki chuckled, coming on with the step ladder.

"Thank you, baby," I said, pecking his cheek.

"Of course. Putting up the last one?" He asked.

"Yep!" I said, grabbing the painting I made all those years back.

The monarch butterflies dotting his spine, his scarlet glare, gorgeous fluffy hair, all of it brought together, and hung up on our wall.

I got off the step ladder, and looked at the paintings. Every single one of them.

A hand snaked around my waist and pulled me in close.

"I love you so much, baby," Katsuki whispered, kissing my forehead.

"I love you too,"

His hand rubbed against my waist, but I could feel one thing that was inconsistent with the feeling of the rest of his hand.

A golden band sat on his left ring finger, practically identical to the one that sat on my left ring finger.

A/N: And that's all! Honestly, I'm very pleased with this, and think this came out well! I hope that those of you who see this like it too! I want to thank @venadorosas for allowing me to write a story based off of their comic and for making such fantastic art. If you like my writing, I'm also on Wattpad, so check me out there, if you're up for it. Same username and profile picture. I do believe that this is it! I apologize for the ending, as it feels a little odd to me, I just don't have any idea how to end it properly. I sincerely hope that I did the comic justice. Love y'all! Stay safe and healthy! - Septic

[londonparker]

The perfect song

One shot

A fine morning had dawned

as I yawned and stretched in

my bed to take on the new morning

I heard my phone go off to see

a notification from Tom who

is my best friend

I’ve liked him for a really

long time but everything I

try to confess my love to

him it never ends up happening

I either freeze or someone calls,

Interrupts or I’m to soft when speaking

having to rethink what I tried to say

I am a singer and have a good amount

of influence and a few songs already

on Spotify, Apple Music, SoundCloud etc.

I thought that since expressing my feelings

verbally never seems to go to plan I’d write

a song right?

~~~~

I had checked the message that I was

sent “hey y/n! I was wondering if you

wanted to come over to my place later

today and watch a movie?”

Tom and I always watch movies

together it’s every Saturday we get

together and do something

~~~~~

In the UK I am a very well known

singer and keep making myself

well known around the world with a

little help from Tom

I’ve also done a few acting jobs as

extras to earn a little more every

now and then

~~~~~

I eventually got out of bed

and had a shower. As soon as I

got out I had responded to Tom telling

him I’d see him later around 7pm

I got dressed and headed downstairs

to eat some breakfast and start on the

song I had planned to do about my

feelings towards Tom

I spent the next 2 hours

perfecting my song for Tom

before heading out the door

I made my way to the recording

studio I record my songs out and

saw my producers there

I had told him about the idea and

he was all for it….

I wasn’t sure if I were to publish

it for everyone to listen to but to

practice It over and over again

I have a gift of learning tunes and

my music pretty quick I’d I set my mind

to it

I had used the piano in the studio and

and practiced the lyrics over and over

until I felt comfortable with the tune and

notes that I had sang and when I was

I let it all out

I thought the song was beautiful and

a true story of my feelings towards

my mate

I had stayed there the whole day

until I left to go to Tom’s and hang

out!

I left the studio round 6:25 pm

giving me just over 30 minutes to get

there

I parked outside his garage and

took a deep breath before getting out

my car and walking over to the front door

I had rung the bell to see Tom with a

smile on his face as I went in for a hug

He invited me inside as the movie

was already set up

y-aww it’s already ready

t-yeah I’m feeling extra excited

today

y-why is that?

t-your producer called and said

that your working on a new song

right!

oh shit-

y-um yeah I am but

t-but?

y-I don’t know if I’ll

publish this one..

t-what why not.

Bc it’s about you! Well that’s

what I wanted to say

y-because it’s about Tessa?

I had said that with a failure

to keep a confident tone and of course

a stupid thought why the fuck would

Tom believe that?

t-okay then…

shit- he doesn’t believe

me

t-umm anyways let’s go

see the movie yeah?

y-mhm! Yes, let’s go!

t-great! I got popcorn

a bit of chocolate and drinks

y-perfect!

t-cool

y-may I ask what are we watching?

t- primal fear!

y-yeah okay got it

If you were wondering primal

fear is Tom’s absolute favorite movie

and we see it at least once every 2 months

which is fine

We sat snug on the couch with a

blanket as I rest my head on his

shoulder

As we were about to start the

movie he got a phone call and

had to take it

He sat up and left near the

entrance and sat on the stairs

while he too the call

I sat on the couch for a good

20 minutes before getting bored

I made my way through the house

to a piano he had specifically for

me and next to it on the wall was

his guitar that he now uses

I started playing a tune which

lead into my song that I had

written about him and without

hesitation I started to sing

(Ya’ll don’t blame me for my song

lyrics I didn’t say I was good at it :/ )

“Do you now how you make

me feel?”

“Whenever your hear it’s a good

time”

“I want to stay with you till the

end of time ”

“Listening to your voice gives me

butterflies”

“I know your always on my mind”

“I want to be with you for the rest

of my life!”

“Oh Tom it’s you!”

And so forth as it went along

And I tell you I didn’t hold back!

I sang that song like I was at a concert

loud, proud and happy

As soon as I had finished the song

the entire house fell quiet

I had then taken a deep breath and

sighed as I exhaled

t-wow

I then spring up with my hands

behind my back

t-that sing isn’t about Tessa

is it?

y-…

t-it’s beautiful

y-Tom I’m so sorry

t-for?

y-do you uh…

t-feel the same way?

y-yeah?

t-if I kissed you would

that answer you question?

He then pulled me closer and

our lips smashed together, melting

into his lips I left reality just thinking

about Tom in that moment

He pulled away

t-oh I’m sorry I didn’t even ask-

I then cut him off by giving him

another kiss pulling away one last

time to see him smiling back at me

t-I really like you y/n

y-I like you way more!

t-damn you got me good

~Aesthetic~

[charitysbabes]

Bails is found not guilty

I haven’t posted anything original in ages and I’ve had this written for months, but given the recent spoilers I wanted to contribute something. Sorry it’s not more cheery, but it’s got Vanity sweetness at least. Or that’s what I was going for anyway. 

Trigger warnings for sexual abuse. 

Not guilty. 

She drinks, the whiskey scorching her throat and the words like a drumbeat in her head. Not guilty, not guilty, not guilty.

She knew it. Knew it would end this way so why is she fucking crying? Why has she let him do this to her again? Another swig, a longer one this time, until she needs to come up for air and she's left gasping and feeling the booze in her chest like she might throw it back up again.

It's not enough. The words are still there, so loud she feels like they're cracking her skull. Not guilty, not guilty, not guilty. 

And the look - her eyes had been drawn to his face and she had seen it before she could look away. The moment of blankness before it split into utter delight. She had wrenched herself away before he set it on her, but she had still felt it when he did. She wanted to sink to the floor and keep going, falling down and down until she was nowhere. Nothing. 

Keys scrape in the lock. She stands and stumbles but keeps going. 

"Charity?" 

She's slipped out of the back before Vanessa can even finish opening the front door. 

*

She wakes in a barn with a horse grazing on her hair. Her head hurts, everything does, and for one blissful moment it distracts her from the why. But then the drumbeat starts again and it’s not just the hangover that makes her stumble outside the puke into a drain. 

When she looks up the miles of field stretch out and spin around her. Somewhere out there he’s walking around as if he never touched her. In the eyes of twelve jury members, he didn’t. 

Not guilty, not guilty, not guilty. 

Just for something else to focus on, she digs her phone out of her pocket. The screen is black and nothing happens when she touches it. Vaguely, she remembers the buzz of the low battery notification and being grateful for it at the time because then no one would be able to reach her. Pushing it back into her pocket, she trudges begrudgingly back towards the village. With no phone and no cash she's not getting anywhere else easily. 

She catches some curious looks as she stumbles past cottages and the cafe. Vanessa must have been running her mouth and flapping around the village talking to anyone who didn’t run away. Not that anyone else would have been bothered. Her family couldn’t even be arsed to show up to the trial. Only Noah, Ryan and Vanessa had been there, surrounding her as the verdict was called. 

Not guilty, not guilty, not guilty. 

Charity squeezes her eyes shut and focuses on the thumping pain in her head. She opens them again to look at the ground rather than the scattered villagers who are after the latest gossip. It’s still early, the sun barely peeking over the hills, but there are dog walkers along with people like Brenda and David who are opening up for the stragglers they get even at the arse crack of dawn. 

What she really, really wants is to find a soft bed and sleep in it- doesn’t matter whose, as long as she’s alone. The pub shouldn’t open for a couple of hours, maybe she can sneak in. 

“Charity!” Or maybe not. Chas is at the door, somewhere between angry and relieved. She hugs her, holding on long enough for Charity to almost relax before she pushes her away and punches her, hard, on the arm. “Where the flaming hell have you been?”

Truthfully, she can’t entirely remember. There was the barn she woke up in, but something before that. Stumbling over knee high walls and shattered glass and pot plants knocked on their side, dirt spilling over. She closes her eyes, but the memory is already slipping away in a fog that fills her head. Pain pulses at her temples. 

“Oh never mind!” Chas snaps. “Just get inside.” She does only because there isn’t anywhere else to go, and at least it will only be her cousin. Noah will be asleep until past noon if he has his way. 

She drags her feet through the pub and by the time she gets to the sofa, Chas already has the kettle on. “You need to call Vanessa, or at least text her to let her know you’re alive. She’s been going spare.” 

Charity glances at her, then looks away again. She makes no move to reach for her phone. She knows it won’t work that way. Her girlfriend will want to know where she’s been and who she’s with now and how she’s feeling and what she was thinking running off like that- and it’s all too much. Just sitting here and dragging in one breath after another feels like too much. Especially when Mark Bails creeps into her head, smirking and free. 

He’ll be waking up for breakfast around now, all smiles and smugness. He got away with it. Twelve jury members heard what he did to her and they either didn’t believe her or didn’t care. No need to bother themselves over some whore. Why ruin a man’s life because he locked up some dirty prossie? Better, probably, that she wasn’t staining the streets in the months she was chained to his radiator. 

She jumps when Chas sets down a mug in front of her, snapping her out of her thoughts. “I’ll do it then, shall I?”

“What?” she snaps, as if it were Chas sat opposite him at the breakfast table with a fizzing glass of champagne. 

“Vanessa! Remember her?” 

Charity rests her head on her hands, tangling her fingers through her hair. “Just leave off, will you?”

Chas keeps glaring at her, but she takes a step back and sighs. “I’ll let her know you’re okay.” 

“Tell her not to come here.” For once, her cousin doesn’t ask. She hears her tapping at her phone, the sound like clicking through her skull, then there’s blissful silence. 

Until there’s not. “Charity-”

“I’m going to bed.” She stands up, her stomach lurching again as she does like there are waves crashing inside it. She doesn’t look at Chas, not even a glance in her direction, but she picks up the tea, letting the mug warm her freezing hands. 

*

Of course she can’t avoid her forever. It’s just past lunchtime and she’s not even eaten the dry toast that Chas left outside her room with a fresh mug of tea. Her phone stopped buzzing when she turned it off and shut it inside her sock drawer. Then there was just silence that got so loud that she dug out her laptop and put on the first playlist Spotify suggested to her, not even muting the irritating ads that started immediately. 

Now there’s a knock at her bedroom door, as gentle as it is persistent; even turning up the music doesn’t drown it out. Finally, she storms over and wrenches it open. “Take the hint, Vanessa.” 

Her girlfriend doesn’t even flinch. She just stares at her, eyes wide like she had been expecting someone else. Then they soften- or seem to melt entirely; she steps towards her, but Charity backs out of her reach. 

“I was so worried about you.” She lets out a long breath, as if she has been holding it since the courtroom. 

Charity just glares. She doesn’t have room for anyone else’s feelings- never has, really. “Yeah well I’m fine, so you can leave now.”

But Vanessa holds her hand out to stop the door swinging closed. “I’ve told you, Charity, you don’t have to pretend with me.”

“Yeah and you also told me we would get him!” She throws open the door so hard that the handle crashes against the wall and Vanessa does flinch then, but she can’t find it in herself to care. There’s nothing left to care with. She’s just some used up prossie they wiped themselves on after they were done. It’s the only thing she’s ever been good for. 

Vanessa takes a step forward, her eyes brimming with tears. “I’m so, so sorry.” 

Something hard lodges itself in Charity’s chest and she turns away from her. She can’t cry. She has to be hard and bitter, just like she’s always been. It’s how she’s survived. There was a moment there when she thought there might be another way, but there isn’t, it’s always just been her. Alone. 

But Vanessa isn’t getting it. She’s right inside now - Charity would have to physically throw her out to make her leave and she’s not quite that far gone yet. “Charity, please. I know you think it was all for nothing, but it wasn’t.”

“Why?” she shouts, feeling as if the words are ripping at her throat to get out. “Because I stood up to him? Now I can give myself a hearty pat on the back?”

“Yes! He might not be in prison, but how easily do you think he’s going to bounce back from this? It cost him a promotion last time, and that was before court. He’ll never be able to head up that programme now, and any woman is going to think twice before trusting him.” 

“Except for his stupid cow of a wife!”

“Forget about her. Think about all the women you might have saved from going through what you did. Think of Tracy, Charity. My sister. You saved my sister.” 

The tears are more than prickling at her eyes now, they’re spilling over, hot and fast. She squeezes her eyes shut and in the next moment, she feels Vanessa’s arms circle around her. “Whatever else happens, I can never repay you for what you did for Tracy.”

She feels herself shatter, as if as a fist made of rock is slamming into her over and over. She tries to scream, but it gets caught in her throat, but her knees buckle and she sinks to the floor with Vanessa still wrapped around her. She doesn't say it’ll be okay. It’ll never be even close to okay that he’s not spending at least as long in prison as she’s spent haunted by him. But one day it’ll be something better than this. 

I need to go to bed now, please validate me while I am asleep. 

[beautifuljetblackheart]

Fight - Sam Holland

A/N: I am back... I had a BIG writers block and COVID really fucked me up, but hopefully I actually update more stories. This was a request from a while ago, I am sorry that it took a while to get it done Summary: Sam was away for about a month and after a while of not hearing from him you began to worry, especially when a big event was coming up and you wanted him there. Warnings: None, just an argument Words: 1894

I played with my thumbs as I waited until it struck seven. The studio had chosen my pictures to present, I looked around to see if Sam had shown up, but nothing, maybe he would show up late. I really want him to show up since he wasn’t able to attend the last two days and today was the last day. Besides that they will leave the pictures up for another week and take them down.

As I presented each picture and what is the meaning behind it. Every chance I got I would search for Sam but nothing. I kept sending him messages if he was going to be dropping by anytime soon but nothing. He hasn't been texting me for almost two weeks. Maybe he lost his phone and forgot my phone number.

A few friends of mine showed up and congratulated me for being lucky to have my pictures shown in the studio. Nikki showed up with Paddy, Tuwaine showed up with Harrison and Tom, the three guys approached me, “these pictures are amazing!” Tuwaine smiled and hugged me

“Thanks, I’m happy you guys came by for my last introduction”

“Is Sam here?” Tom questioned

“No, has he not returned from the trip?”

“Yeah, he got here two days ago,” my heart sunk down

“What? He- got here two days ago?” I started to feel embarrassed, my own boyfriend not telling me he was already here

“He didn’t tell you,” I shook my head no. I felt water filling up my eyes

“I thought he lost his phone because he hasn’t answered any of my text”

“I can call him,” I shook my head again. Does he have his phone?

“No, it's whatever. He wants to be like that let him,” I walked away and to the back room and started to cry. How can he do this to me? Does he want to finish things? Did he find someone else? Why didn’t he just tell me he wanted to end things. I walked to the bathroom to clean myself up.

I took deep breaths before I could walk out of the bathroom. When I got out I walked towards my pictures, “Y/N,” I turned to the side and saw a guy smiling, I would be lying if I said he wasn’t good looking, “I hope those are tears of happiness”

“I wish I could say that,” I let out a forced chuckle, god I hate myself right now

“I really liked your introduction and what the meaning behind each picture meant to you. The stories were quite interesting”

“Thank you”

“I would like to buy five of your pictures,” I was surprised

“You, would? Sorry, yeah, of course, I’ll bring the papers over, I’ll be right back,” I started to walk away but ran into a person, “sorry,” I walked to the back and grabbed the paperwork and went back out to the guy.

“I’m Ivan Goodsman, these pictures will be a good collection for my wife. She loves pictures. She loves to know what the mood was and why you took it, a picture can tell you a million words,” I gave him a nod

“I can also email you why I took it in case she actually wants to know”

“That will be perfect,” he handed me the papers back and I wrote down on top of each paper

“2B, 7B, 1C, 4C, and 5C”

“Those are actually my favorite, anyways, I’ll have them sent to the address you write down. You can do the payment either when they arrive or pay now”

“I’ll pay now”

“Cool,” the guy pulled out his checkbook and started to write down the amount. He ripped the check out of the book and handed it to me. “Thank you Mr.Goodsman,” I smiled

“Call me Ivan, I hope to see more of your work”

“Thank you for buying,” he smiled and walked away. I can’t wait to tell- no,I can be petty too. I let out a deep breath and continued walking around. By the end of the night I didn’t see Sam. I went back to my apartment, I took my shoes off and sat on the couch. I grabbed my phone and dialed Harry, as he shared the same interest.

“Hello”

“Hey Harry”

“Dude I saw that you sold some pictures that’s amazing! Who bought it?”

“A guy name Ivan Goodsman”

“Goodsman? As in the Ivan Goodsman? Holy shit they are very well known”

“He told me that his wife enjoyed looking at the pictures because they have many different meanings and stuff”

“Their kids are talented. One is in the soccer team, one is a good golf player, the other one is a popular well known photographer and the last one is a designer”

“Wow. Talented people”

“The mother, she’s also a designer, photography pictures help her get inspired. Maybe her next collection will be inspired by you. The father, he’s the manager of a hotel or something, I don’t know much of him”

“Holy crap”

“Lucky you”

“Anyways, Tom mentioned that Sam arrived a few days ago”

“Oh, yeah”

“I just need to talk to him, can I stop by?”

“He is going to hate me for this but at this moment I don’t care. Come on over,” my heart started to race, I was somewhat hoping he would’ve said no but it’s now or never. I grabbed the keys and out the door I went. 

I stood in front of the Holland's house, I rang the doorbell hearing Tessa barking. The door went wide open and I saw Nikki, she smiled widely as she stepped aside, “Harry told me that you met Ivan Goodsman, how was that?”

“He’s an attractive man”

“Common Nikki she came to see Sam, stop hogging her, that was a very beautiful collection,” Dom went next to Nikki

“Thank you, is Sam in his room?”

“Yes, go right up,” I excused myself and went upstairs to Sam’s room, I let out a sigh and knocked on the door hearing a faint ‘come in,’ I opened the door and stepped inside. Sam’s back was facing me probably on his computer.

“Hi,” he turned around, finally seeing him after three weeks

“Y/N, what are you doing here?” I looked at him confused

“What am I doing here? Seeing my boyfriend that I haven’t seen in three weeks and Tom told me you arrived two days ago. Why didn’t you tell me? Did you lose your phone?

“I needed time to think”

“Sam, what is going on. You have been avoiding me for almost two weeks, you couldn’t send me a message telling me that you arrived or that you needed time to think. You went awol on me, are you mad at me?” I tried staying calm but I was getting furious towards him.

“I just need time to think and figure things out okay, I don’t need to tell you what I’m doing every single time”

“I’m not asking you to, all I wanted you to do was to tell me that you were doing okay and that you arrived home safely”

“Well I arrived safely home”

“I know. Your brother told me and thanks for coming to my opening. Your family was there, even Tuwaine and Harrison, but you weren’t. I wanted you there, since my parents weren’t able to make it”

“Opening for what?” I scoffed

“My gallery, I texted you two weeks before my presentation and you said that you will make it for the last day, I even texted you if you were on your way, thanks for showing up”

“I needed to think okay, what part do you not understand”

“I understand, I just don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me. Just forget about it. I’m going home,” I opened the door and walked downstairs saying a quick goodbye before leaving. Does this mean that we are done? I went back home. I didn’t know what to do or think.

---

I woke up on the couch, I looked at my phone to check the time and hoping Sam would’ve texted me. The only notification I had was an email on Spotify’s newest music release. I guess this means it is over between us. I grabbed my sweater and saw the check, maybe a trip to the bank will be good for me. I got ready and off I went.

After a walk to the bank I walked to the store to buy ice cream, I grabbed my favorite ice cream and headed to the check out. When I was paying I saw the one person I wasn’t expecting to see, Sam smiling with his ex girlfriend, Erica. I grabbed my ice cream and quickly left, the way back home I felt tears streaming down my face.

I ate my ice cream in silence, the tv was off my phone was on do not disturb mode. Half way through my ice cream there was a knock on the door. I got up and opened the door, it was Sam holding flowers. He had a sad face on. “What do you want Sam”

“Can we talk,” I stepped aside. He handed me the flowers and we walked to the living room and set the flowers on the coffee table.

“Y/N, I am sorry. I know what I did was wrong. I was just stressed out and we didn’t have enough time to be on our phones. I know it’s not an excuse. I saw a picture of you and a guy together and you seemed so happy”

“What guy, I haven’t been out. I’ve been working on my pictures for a month”

“I don’t know, someone sent me a picture of you and a guy,” Sam showed me a picture

“I don’t even know who that guy is, and that dress, I haven’t worn that dress for a year. I would never cheat on you”

“I am sorry. My mom came to my room after you left. She knew something was wrong. She told me how you've been working extra hard to have your pictures up and going over on what you would be saying. This morning I stopped by the studio and saw the pictures. I am proud of you and I am so sorry”

“I saw you and Erica at the store”

“I ran into her, she asked how you were doing and I told her that you were doing great since you presented your pictures and had a well known guy buy a few pictures from you. I was smiling because I was happy that you achieved a goal that you’ve had for so long. I honestly believe she was the one that sent me that photo. Y/N, please forgive me,” I let out a sigh.

“You saw my pictures?”

“Yes, they were amazing. My mom even showed me a video she took and showed it to me”

“Okay, I forgive you, but next time you are gone for a month and don’t text me back we are done. Got it?”

“Loud and clear, can we cuddle because I really missed you,” I kissed him and got up, “are we moving this to your room?”

“I am putting my ice cream in the freezer, but let’s go take a nap in my room”

[cherryhanji]

another day

oneshot. han x reader

genre: drama, super duper angsty, a little fluff at the end

words: 1.9k

warning(s): slight mentions of depressing thoughts, lonely reader (yeah, another day by jisung is quite a sad song for me, anyways, stream their latest album, go live!) (i really felt sad when writing this. But I hope u like it!)

Another day full of dejection. You got home early from your work after being scolded by your manager because of messing up in the cashier a while ago. You haven't started anything for your thesis. You just can't find the courage to do it.

Lots of problems keep on rushing to you. There's your landlady who keeps on knocking at your door asking for your two-month payment for your rent. The payment for the next semester. Money isn't only your enemy. But yourself too. You wanted to do a lot of things. But it feels like there's something that's keeping you away from doing it. It got slumped the most when the person you trust the most, left you in the middle of the battle. No words, just left you on the way. Jisung was your savior, your knight in shining armor, the man that keeps you from standing and fighting all the struggles that you face every day. Ever since you two split up, you feel like there's no reason for fighting anymore. There's a time that you just want to end it all. All of the pain, the loneliness that you feel. It almost got the best of you. Pressure from college, expectation from your parents whom you have to prove that you can be independent. Jisung leaving you. Luckily, your friends are still there. But they are also busy since all of you will graduate this year. You can't risk bothering them just to rant about your sulky and shitty day in school and work.

You opened your second hand refrigerator only to find out that you didn't have stocks anymore. Only bottles of water and a pack of instant ramen. You sighed and grabbed your only food for tonight. You decided to open your Spotify playlist to soothe your sullen feelings and to calm your mind.

You silently eat your ramen while scrolling through your phone. You got a notification from your online bank noting that you already received your salary for the past two months. Your face brightened at the thought. The salary is good enough(?) you think about your daily needs and for the rent. It just got delayed for two months because of the cafe's renovation. Lucky you, your salary for tutoring a kid from your neighborhood helped you for the past two months just to buy your food and stocks and some expenses on school.

After eating, you decided to give yourself a warm bath after work. You still don't have classes tomorrow and it's also your rest day from your work. However, after taking a shower, the doorbell rang stopping you from drying your hair. You checked the time, it's almost 10:30 in the evening. Just who the hell will visit you at this hour?

"Wait a minute!" You shouted from your bedroom and went to the door almost stumbling while wearing your slippers.

"Who is I-- Alexa? It's 10:30 already?" Alexa, your cousin, also your childhood friend visited.

"Oh hello to you too, dear. " she jokingly rolled her eyes at you and showed you the paper bags she brought.

"Anyways, I brought you some food and stuff cause I know how broke you are." She chirped showing you some of your favorite foods. You welcomed her inside and closed the door.

"How's my beautiful cousin? Is auntie still not talking to you?" She asked as she slumped on the sofa.

You sighed at her question. "Nothing changed, Lexie, she's still upset at me. And I got scolded by my manager earlier. Argh, it's my fault at all. I'm not with myself, It feels like my soul and sanity left me awhile ago. But something good happened, anyways. I got my salary for the last two months! I'm not broke as fuck. But I have to pay my rent. The noisy landlady keeps on bothering me. Arrgh" you said and drank some yogurt. It's been a while ever since you got to drink this yogurt again.

"Are you okay?" You looked at Alexa shocked with the sudden seriousness. You kept silent for a while before answering.

"To be honest, I'm not. It feels like the whole world already turned its back on me. I really want to do things. But I feel like there's no enough energy and motivation for me to do it."

"Is it because of Jisung?" You froze at the mention of his name. Yes, it is. You still can't move on. It's because you really don't know what happened why he suddenly left you. You should hate him for it. but you just couldn't. You slowly nod at your cousin. You heard your cousin sigh.

"Did you talk to him? You're attending the same university with him, right? Don't tell me he's avoiding you?"

"Yes, we attend the same university. But he's majoring in music, remember? I'm majoring in Psychology. So it means, we are not in the same building. And I bet he's doing all his might to avoid me." You blurted out.

"You're a hopeless case, dear," Alexa said

"I know.." you whispered.

"But, this is just an advice. If you have the courage, try to talk it out with him. You guys don't have the closure you need. Did you block each other's contact?" You shook your head.

"I didn't block his contact. And luckily, he didn't block mine too. It's just that he doesn't answer my calls. Maybe I need to talk to him in person. I just need to wait for the right time." You're determined. You just want to talk to him. Four months? Four months of not talking to him. Maybe you just need to wait a little time to talk to him.

"Yes, that's the spirit. Just remember dear, if you need something, you know you can call your gorgeous cousin." She said and winked at you. You just chuckled at her childishness.

You missed him, a lot. His smiles, his sweet voice, you missed everything about him. Up until now, you still don't know what happened to your relationship.

You wake up with a feeling of calmness after the talk you had with your cousin last night. With nothing left to do today, you decided to buy some groceries.

A calm and delightful night, Jisung playing his guitar and singing for you while you happily listen to his sweet and calm voice. You just love how he sings his heart out, you can feel the emotions as he sings.

Jisung put his guitar at the side and held your hand.

"I love you, y/n. to the moon and back. No one can replace you. We'll never let go of each other, okay? Whatever happens, we'll never leave each other." He said and kissed your hand.

"Thank you for being with me, Sungie. Even though I'm a problematic shit. You're always there for me. And I promise I'll never leave you too. I love you." You said and hugged him. He kissed the top of your head and swayed you as he hums a song.

—————

You grab a cup of coffee at the cafe near the supermarket. You take a look at the people passing by the cafe. Why does it look like they're so happy with their life? Do they have any problems at all? It seems like you're the only one who has a lot of problems. Or maybe you still don't know how to sort it all out?

While still being entertained by the walking people outside, someone cleared their throat. You suddenly turn your head to the person. You're shocked to see the person in front of you. There it goes again, the fast heartbeat, the erratic breathing as if he took your breath away. The feeling of hoping he'll stay with you again.

"J-jisung..." You called the person in front of you, almost a whisper.

"Y/N... It's.. It's good to see you here.. Can I occupy the seat?" You just nod at him. You still can't find the right words on how to answer him.

"Uhm, I shouldn't be asking this, but How are you? " he said and scratched the back of his neck. This is it. It's the right time to talk to him. Fate does its way to help you. But you can't still form any words to say to him.

"Uh, I see. Look, I'm... I'm really sorry. I mean it. I know I deserve all the hate you have for me. But can you let me explain, please.?" You just nod at him. Maybe it's good if you hear his side first.

"First of all, I'm really, really sorry for leaving you without any word. You know I love you. But you know what's my dream right? I really love to sing. So there's this agency that casted me and offered me training to debut as an artist. But the contract says there is a dating ban. I- I don't know what will I do. At first, I'm contemplating. It's hard. I love you, but I also have a dream. But I need to let go of the other to achieve one. And I'm really sorry that I sacrificed you over my dream. I'm really sorry, y/n. you can hate me. You can slap me, anything you want. I know I deserve it for leaving you." He grabbed your hand and lowered his head. You got shocked at his explanation. You're well aware of his dream of being a singer and an artist. He told you ever since he was a child, he dreams of being one. You clearly see his passion for music. That's why you understand his reason.

"But... but why didn't you talk about it with me?" You asked him.

"I'm scared. I don't know why. Maybe the thought of letting you go hurts me. I thought that not letting you know can help me. But it did nothing. I have trouble sleeping at night, knowing that you're hurting, too. I promised you I'll never let you go, but here I am, leaving you clueless as to why I left." You can feel the sadness and hurt in his voice. You really loved this man. You can't find any reason to hate him, to get mad at him. You reached out to him and caressed his fluffy cheeks.

"I understand now, Sungie." He raised his head at the nickname, that nickname you used to call him. Hearing it again makes him giddy.

"I know it's your dream. Your dream came first before me, and I don't have any right to stop you from achieving it. I'm just hurt because you left me with no word. But don't worry, I'll be okay. I love you, you know that. And I'll support you always. Be good. So that you can debut soon. And if that happens, I'll be your number one gorgeous fan." You smiled at him and held his hand. He squeezed it and smiled at you.

"Thank you, for being strong. Y/N. we can still be friends if that's okay with you. You can still love me, And I will love you. " he said. You nod at him. Hearing all the closure you two needed, a big weight just got lifted off your shoulder. Being friends with your ex doesn't hurt, right? You just need to be mature with each other. You just need to accept your fate with him.

[dotdotdottie]

Cats and Dots || Dot & Luce

LOCATION: Ink Inc.

TIME:  Before Bea’s Death

@divineluce

Clicking on her “Bad Ass Bitches” playlist on Spotify, Luce set to work on fixing the absolute shitshow that was Dot’s tattoo. Not only was the placement bad, it looked like a drunk toddler had decided to go to town with a machine. Which is why she was more than happy to be working on it. Nothing was more interesting than fixing a bad tattoo and turning it into something worth showing off. “How the fuck did you wind up with this hot mess? And, you can’t fucking smack me for saying that because I’ll make it worse.” She grinned as she dipped the needles into ink and set to work, bobbing her head along to the beat of the pounding bassline. “Like, love is love, but christ.” She gestured to the god awful rainbow plastered on her hip. “The lines on this are hot garbage.”

The rainbow tattoo had been something Dot got in a frat house in her junior year of college. Her friend had ordered a tattoo gun off the internet and the ink had been sourced from somewhere she had no desire to examine. She didn’t regret the tattoo, it was a funny fucking story and she liked being a dumbass with a rainbow tattoo... But if she was going to make sure everyone going down on her knew she was pretty fucking gay, she wanted it to a nice rainbow. “I got it done by a coked-out frat named Braydon.” She had almost considered eating him afterward, but her colony would have been pissed. She wished she had done it. “I probably could have done it better myself, but it was kinda fun watching him struggle. Hope you know how to make it look less like an idiot did it. I don’t need people to focus on the rainbow when my snatch is out.”

Stories like this weren’t super surprising, especially not when it came to shit tattoos. Luce nodded as she filled in the stencil, a black cat whose body covered the majority of the rainbow. What bits it didn’t, she was planning on incorporating into a rainbow collar around its neck. And besides, even without the collar, it was still gonna be pretty gay. “You know, that doesn’t fucking surprise me in the slightest. Braydon,” She wiped away the excess ink, “Had awful goddamn hands. And, trust me. This is gonna be dope.” Luce grinned, “Definitely a pussy out kind of look.” She laughed. Given the fact she usually tattooed straight, toxic masculinity dudes all the time, it was a goddamn delight to be tattooing someone who wasn’t. And, Dot was cool enough. She was dating Blanche, which honestly sounded like a match made in chaotic heaven.

Listen, Dot didn’t love cats, but she would get one tattooed on her for a pussy joke. Most of her tattoos were jokes anyway. She knew plenty of people thought tattoos had to have meaning but she thought they just had to have a fun story and be cool to look at. “Oh trust me, I know Braydon’s hands were terrible. He’s one of those boys who think the clit is a suggestion instead of required.” She had slept with him a few days later simply because she had been bored out of her mind. “Can’t wait for the summer when I can show it off when I’m at the beach,” She cackled imagining the horrified faces of suburban mothers as they covered their kiddie’s eyes. She liked Luce and if she wasn’t with Blanche, she would have considered trying to smash, but for once Dot didn’t have the desire to cheat. “You got anything fucking weird tattooed on you?”

Letting out a low whistle, Luce shook her head. “Sounds about right. Boys are the fucking worst.” She said, remembering her ill-fated attempts at dating boys in high school. For the most part, they’d been boring and dumb and not terrible to hang out with. But, Jared, he was a fucking time. “Sounds like the dude I slept with back in the day. But, I gotta say, hats off to Jared. He did in fact, turn me gay.” She joked. That had been a hilarious thing for him to realize, when they ran into each other at a house party the year after they graduated. Specifically, when he found her fucking a girl on the side of his house. “Oh, it’ll be a look. And a damn good one at that.” She said as she finished up the tail of the cat. At Dot’s question, Luce laughed and nodded. “Of course I do. This is a good one,” She said and backed up to show Dot one of the tattoos on her ankle. At first glance, it was a normal anchor tattoo with a scroll script around it, the cliche every college girl got. But, the scroll read ‘Fuck your Anchor.’ “A tribute to all the stupid anchor tattoos I have to do.”

“Men are good for two things, paying us and looking pretty,” Dot said with a grin. There was a third, very important thing they were also good for, but she doubted that Luce shared her passion for sinking her fingers in the chests of frat boys and eating their hearts. “Speaking for the community, I thank Jared for his contribution. We’re glad to have such a hot gay with us.” Was she flirting? Yeah, but Dot didn’t think it was terrible to do so. It was a joke after all. She craned her neck a bit to see the progress and grinned, honestly, it looked fucking sick already. She couldn’t wait to show Blanche… And literally anyone else who was willing to look at it. She let out a cackle as she took in Luce’s tattoo. “Wow, what an icon. I hope you make sure everyone sees it when they ask for an anchor tattoo. You get a lot of those stupid mom heart ones?”

“You can say that again.” Luce laughed, thinking back to the random venmo that she’d gotten from Adam. As much of a big dumb frat boy he seemed, the dude was half-way decent. When he wasn’t talking about his crotch goblins or giving her stupid nicknames. That said, Dickcleaver Vural had a nice ring to it. “You’ve got that right. I am, in fact, a gift to the ladies and they-dies of White Crest.” Luce chuckled to herself as she filled in the body of the cat. Was she aware of the tone behind Dot’s words? Yeah, which is why she dug in just a little deeper with her needle. Not enough to blow out the ink, but just enough to remind Dot that she was, in fact, tattooing her. Besides, Luce was a lot of things, but she wasn’t the other woman type. “You know it. Oh, I’d be fucked if I did. Ulf would have my head on a spike if I went flashing that around.” She remarked as she looked at her handiwork. “Nah, most dudes have figured out those are out of style.”

Adam’s venmo had sent Dot into a cackling session that lasted for several minutes. She hadn’t expected anyone to actually send her money, but when she got the notification on her phone, Adam had gained a few brownie points. She gave Luce a mock salute,“Thank you for your service. You should be given a medal of honor.” Her eyes narrowed as the needle dug in deeper, sending a glare Luce’s way. She was pretty sure the tattoo artist was too practiced at this point to change pressure like that. Guess flirting, even jokingly, wasn’t allowed with Luce. “If Ulf doesn’t see it happen, what’s the harm? Some people wouldn’t even read it, I bet.” Even if they did read it, Dot was pretty sure some people would just get it anyway. She laughed,“That’s tragic. I love when I see them, it’s just so funny. Teasing guys about it is so fun.”

“Every lesbian who ever slept with a man should, honestly. Gold star lesbians, my ass. Give me a gold star for having to suffer through forty seconds of super sexy thrusting.” Luce grumbled as she wiped away the last of the excess black ink. Popping over the rainbow array of ink, she dipped her needles in to color after color, filling in the rainbow pattern on the cat’s collar. “The harm is when all the piss babies storm out or write bad Yelp reviews. I’m in customer service,” She pasted a fake smile on her face before rolling her eyes, “I gotta service the customer.” Arching an eyebrow at Dot’s words, Luce couldn’t resist the urge to snicker. “Well, I can tell you this, you can and should make fun of anyone who’s got a terrible tribal. God, 90’s and 2000’s tattooing was the worst.”

“Wow, he lasted a full forty seconds? You had a marathon runner. Most boys out there are one thrust wonders.” Dot loved moments like this where she just got to make fun of men as brutally as she wanted. So many people got uncomfortable when she talked about boys and her sexual experiences with them. “I’ll write you a five star Yelp after this. I’ll even include that I reccomend the lesbian artist.” It wouldn’t be the first time she wrote a long review just to praise a friend. She was great at acting like a Karen and if she used her real name, everyone thought she was seventy anyway. “I should make them tip me extra for making me witness their bad tattoos. At least my bad tattoos are covered up or I’m getting them fixed.”

“I was truly #blessed.” Luce said in a mocking voice, as she shut off her machine. “What got me was the fact he had the balls to ask, ‘was it good for you’? That was when I straight up told him I was pretty sure I preferred girls. Whoops.” She said as she wiped off the last of the ink and gestured for Dot to take a look at the tattoo in the mirror she had on the wall. “You better mention me, otherwise people will come in thinking it was Rory who did this sick pussy tat. God knows how the girls would react to that.” She snorted, amused at the other artist’s struggles with the fairer sex. “Honestly, they really should. And hey, you’re getting there.” She said as she tossed her gloves in the trash and began to clean up her station. “When are we gonna fix that jank ass dolphin tattoo of yours, huh?”

“‘Was it good for you?’ Well, bud, if I’m getting up to leave then I’m pretty sure it wasn’t good for me. Boys are fucking stupid,” Dot laughed. This is part of the reason she ate human boys, they were just so annoying. She stood, looking into the mirror with an almost feral grin. “This is fucking awesome.” Turning back to Luce she let out another half laugh,“Yeah I’ll make sure I tell them it was you. Try not to hit on all the hot ones I send your way.” Dot took out her phone to take a photo to send Blanche and a few of her old college buddies. Snorting, she shook her head,“The dolphin is staying as messed up as it is. It’s a Dot classic at this point.”

“Right? You’d think me grabbing my shorts and booking it out the door would have been a dead give away.” Luce said with a laugh as she grabbed the aftercare instructions pamphlet and stuffed it into a baggy with a little Ink Inc. sticker, some candy, and a few packets of Aquaphor. “I’m glad you like it.” She said as she held out the grab bag. “And, no promises on that.” Luce winked and shook her head as they walked out to the register. Setting the station up for her, Luce shook her head with a disappointed snap of her fingers. “Damn, and here I thought I might have a chance at getting you to rethink that. But, hey. You win some, you lose some.” As she leaned against the front desk, Luce glanced up at the clock. Dot was a dope lady, if chaotic. And, coming from her? That meant she was pretty much chaos incarnate. But, she was good company for a drink. “You wanna grab a drink? Celebrate your new art?”

[revisionaryhistory]

Three Days ~ 5

Catch up here AO3

~*~Sebastian~*~

I make playlists for everything. I've talked several times about using music to get me into a character. I use music to regulate my mood too. I have ones for working out anger, songs to make me cry, things to meditate too, songs to help me sleep and give me good dreams, and good start to a morning songs. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there's a sex playlist. There's really two. One is labeled romance though. Maybe it should be called “foreplay”. It's the glass of wine and quiet conversation playlist. The one called sex could also be rightfully called “fucking”. Every last one of those songs are for slamming balls deep into someone. That Puscifer song is on that playlist. I have a deserted island playlist too. That's where the question came from. I think you can learn a lot about people from what they choose to fill their brains with and why.

It would be an easy thing to reduce Emma's choices down to songs that make her feel. What I got from her list is she likes words. She gave me a line from every song she picked. She didn't even have to stop to think. The words just rolled off her tongue like they were waiting to be said. Again, it would be reductive to think that's all there is, but I bet words are what hook her. She listens.  Most of my choices were tied to an activity. Air guitar, dancing, working out, sex. I watch. I notice how things happen. Process is more important to me. That's how I get into a character, the feel of things. Mannerisms. How they walk. How they talk. How they do things. Current example ~ I remember Emma asked if she could help me find the chocolate chips, but not the exact words. I can bring up the exact feel of her hand on my arm when she said it. When I put my hand on her back leaving her house I noticed she leaned back into the contact. Had she jumped, tensed, or leaned forward I would have know I was violating her personal space. But she didn't. She's given me her hand and didn't move away when I put my leg against hers while we ate. All of this is good because I just can't seem to not be touching her. I don't mean in a sexual way. I mean attraction. I like you and I want to feel your warmth. Accepting my hand on her back has absolutely nothing to do with accepting sex. Neither does kissing. Or touching. Hell, being naked in bed doesn't even equal consent for sex.

Wow, I've drifted way off topic. Maybe not. Back to the music thing. Her liking words and me liking activity. Neither is the superior way, just differences. I'm curious about books and movies, but another night. I have no doubts there will be other nights.

As planned, deserted island playlist propelled us into more music. Eventually we're rattling off songs and giving them thumbs up or thumbs down. It was really good. We laughed and told stories, sharing memories. She hit upon one of those songs that you think no one else ever heard of, but was really pretty popular. Usually it’s a breakup song that you get so lost in the rest of the world didn’t exist. This was one of those. I immediately threw up the thumbs down, then up, then down again.

She grimaced, “Break up song.”

She’d shared hers. I didn’t mind sharing mine, but this was my least favorite. “Sort of. It was later. I had a hard time getting over her. We’d been together awhile. Things were good until they weren’t. First she started saying she didn’t know who she was apart from me. Then it was she didn’t know what she wanted. Then it was she knew and it wasn’t me. I’d been doing the things she wanted, making changes, and it turned out she was making them up. I didn’t handle myself so well. I was hurt because I felt like she’d used my better qualities against me. She’d manipulated me into making changes, doing things, that meant nothing. It was like she was playing with me and she knew me well enough to know better. I really internalize that shit. In the end I’m the one who looked like the asshole. I wasn’t perfect, but I kept trying.” After dropping the lyric that had hooked me, I stopped for a second and focused on our hands. God, I was young back then. Both of us and we’d fought with secrets to hurt each other most. I just had more to work with. Emma’s nail tickling my palm brought my attention back to her and I smiled. “I was pretty pitiful for awhile. I couldn’t get past it, past her. That song got me in touch with how angry I was. Not just at her, but myself for getting so stuck in being victim and feeling guilty for mean things I’d said. So, I raged for a while. Took it out on my liver and my lungs . . . mostly. Then I was better.” The smirk on her face let me know she understood my particular healing methods. I wasn’t very original. Sometimes you have to get high, drunk, and fuck someone out of your system.

Emma excused herself to the bathroom. I leaned back and finished off my beer. I looked out at the dark water letting everything sink in. Not thinking, just letting the good time feel good. Even telling the ex story felt good. Well, her reaction to me getting a little lost in. Another round of beers showed up a little before Emma. As she sat down she knocked hers over.

She jumped out of the way as it poured onto the deck beside her, “Fuck!”

I grabbed the bottle before it could empty and Emma stemmed the flow with extra napkins. “Easy clean up with the deck.”

She laughed, but her cheeks were red. Our server showed up to take away the napkins, wipe up the remnants, and bring Emma another beer.  She shook her head, “I have an unfortunate habit of knocking over drinks. Even sober.”

“It’s good to have a hobby.” We laughed again and got back to talking.

I was so wrapped up in conversation I didn't notice a group of three guys approach our table. I jumped a little when one of them spoke. They had beers in hand and introduced themselves after one apologized for startling me. I wanted to tell them it was really uncool to interrupt my date. They seemed like the kind of guys who would understand. I stood up because I don't like talking up to people towering over me. Gives me a little more control over the situation too. Most people will read the social cue of me sitting down again as ending the conversation. They were nice enough and the short interaction ended with a picture so they could post “beers with The Winter Soldier” on Instagram.

Emma was smiling when I sat down, “Happen a lot?”

“Um, depends where I am. Sometimes one turns into many. Fingers crossed.” I patted my chest without pockets. “I don't have a pen.”

She chuckled, “I've always thought autographs were the excuse to approach someone when all someone really wants is a minute of your time. Or your phone number.”

There's my opening. “Can I have your phone?”

She gave me a strange look, but still pulled her phone out of her purse and unlocked it before handing it over. Luckily she's got an iPhone and I know how to navigate those. I get that people like the customization you can do on an Android, but for barely tech literate people like me I find comfort in the limitations of ways I can fuck up my iPhone. Also makes it easier when I'm trying to sneak my number in someone's phone. I'm not very sneaky. I put my number in her contacts, saved, and handed her phone back. “Now you don't have to ask.”

She was doing something and a second later my text notification went off. “You don't either.

I put in her name and was reaching for her hand when our server walked up, “I'm sorry, Mr. Stan, but we'll be closing soon.”  She laid the black folio containing our bill on the table.

What the hell? It couldn't be after eight o'clock. I glanced down at my phone. It's 2:45.  “Oh shit!” I showed the time to Emma who looked as shocked as I did. I looked up to our server. “I'm sorry. Shit. We've fucked you out of half a dozen table turnovers. I'll take care of you.”

“Don't worry about it. I'm glad you had a good night.”

I quickly pulled out my credit card and tucked it in the plastic sleeve. She walked off and I turned to Emma, “I'll be right back. Gonna get some cash for her tip.” Since Emma had worked in a restaurant I knew she'd understand. Even if they cashed her out they might withhold some of a tip to cover the card fees or make her wait for the full amount. I had some cash, but not enough to cover shorting her all the turnover while I sat my ass here talking. By the time I got back from the ATM she was back with the receipt. I asked her to wait while I quickly scribbled my name. I tucked the cash in the folio and handed it back to her. “Have a good night.” She thanked me and was off. I downed the rest of my beer and reached a hand out for Emma, “Ready to go?”

Emma took my hand. As we walked I twined my fingers with hers. I wanted to walk like this for hours. The simplicity of holding hands is something not be overlooked. Fingers laced, palms pressed together, and the necessity of walking a little bit closer. This feeling. The newness. The thrill. The anticipation. I love them all.

The sky lit up with a streak of lightning in the distance. I looked around, unsure of my bearings. “Is that coming or going?”

“We'll be driving toward it.”

The next flash was closer and the thunder rolled loud. Walking hand in hand by the river was out. “Better get you home.”

In the SUV I waited for my phone to hook into the entertainment center before handing it off to Emma with Spotify open. “Play me your five songs.”

After listening to her five songs I had her search for mine. She did like the Puscifer song. She thought it sounded like stripper music. She's not wrong.

I can not believe it's three in the morning. We talked for nine hours. This has to be the longest first date ever. Unless you count the one's that go overnight, but that's different. This is the longest date I've even been on that hasn't included sex. Or a two and a half hour movie. Nine hours sitting with one person talking about family, friends, and music. How in the fuck did we fill up nine hours? I don't feel like I've even scratched the surface of knowing her or showing her who I am. With the exception of a couple of times it was nine hours of nothing conversation. I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm not bothered. I'm amazed.

Now I'm faced with what next? Imminently, not existentially. Realistically most of my dates end up in bed. Usually I go out with someone I've met on set, an event, or a party. We've got on well enough to ask her out. We go to dinner, back to one of our places to get to know each other.  Conversation pauses, there's a kiss, and boom we're in bed. Sometimes there's not a real date before the sex. Hit it off when we meet and go home together. Nothing wrong there. Sex is what you do while you're getting to know each other.

Or what you do so you don't have to.

None of this means I don't want to go to bed with Emma. Not even close. How do you go from nine hours of talking with nothing more than holding hands to naked and sweaty? Well, I know how you get there, but I'm not sure I should. Even more amazing. I'm not sure I want to. Evans would give me such shit about what I'm thinking. It's been a sweet first date and maybe it's better to leave it that way. If sex is what you do to get to know someone, but we're doing fine doing, why not wait. Show a little restraint. I could ask her what she thinks. Nope. Awkward, presumptuous, and weird. Somebody once told me if you can't talk about sex you shouldn't be doing it. I thought it was bullshit. Now, I'm thinking they might have a point.

All this could change with a kiss. Just one kiss.

The storm was almost on us by the time we got to her place. I ran around to her side of the SUV and walked her to the door. Holding hands like two teenagers. I do not know what to do next. I'm anxious and afraid my hand is turning into a sweaty mess. She unlocked the door and I leaned against the wall. “I had a really good time tonight. I can't remember last time I talked so much. It was a lot fun. Thank you.”

“I had a great time too. Thank you for dinner.”

Emma turned back to face me and stepped closer. This is closer than we've been all night and I have never wanted to stay in a moment so much in my life.

I reached to put my hand on her face. Her eyes fluttered closed when my fingers skated across her cheek. I start to lean in, to close the distance. I closed my eyes. Suddenly a huge crack filled the air and both of us jumped. I yelled, “Fuck” and put my hand over my heart. It's beating out of my chest for more than one reason now.

Emma jumped too and we both started laughing.

The moment I wanted was gone. Dammit. I grabbed her into a hug, “Scared the fuck out of me.” Another crack of thunder and the rain started. I stepped back, “I'll give you a call tomorrow.”

The deluge started after I shut the SUV door. That's lucky. I guess mother nature didn't want me to kiss the girl tonight. No problem.

I'll probably get in the pool at mom's and wait for lightning to strike me.

**tell me something good, fun, full of anxiety.  This lock down is starting to bore me**

[benhardypout-archive]

Catching Feelings

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Joe Mazzello

Rating: T

This is for the anon who requested :  “ i would like some hardzello. Like, they confess their love for each other.” 

This was supposed to be a drabble but it’s a bit longer to be one so just take this as a one-shot. This is also (like) a continuation of my other hardzello drabble with the title: Forehead Kisses. It took me a week to write this. And lastly, treat this as Joe’s post-birthday  one-shot. Hope you like it! 

Joe had been thinking about that little make out session that happened back in Ben’s hotel room. At first, he tried to brush it off and just took it as their worldly desires getting the best of them - It happened, they’re old enough to know that. And not everything needed to have meanings, especially in this world where people just come and go. But now the thoughts and doubts that he’d been keeping at the back of his mind was knocking mercilessly on his head, making him unable to sleep. He’s back at his home, twisting and turning. 

He took his phone from under his pillow and decided to read back the messages he and Ben exchanged the day he left Belfast.

Ben

Call or message  me when you made it back.

Joe

Yes, mom.

Ben

Well, if it helps, I’m still standing here in the airport until your plane take off.

Joe

You still have to shoot. Don’t worry, I’ll call you. ;)

Ben

I’ve missed you, Joe. See you soon.

Joe

Ditto.

**void**

Joe

What does your comment supposed to mean? By the way, I’m sorry I haven’t been able to message at once. I reunited with my family. Go see my instagram story.

Ben

I saw and donated. Always know I’m here x

Anyway, what comment?

Joe

“I miss the sweet taste of your forehead against my lips.” and might I add the heart emoji.

Who’s it for? 

(regarding the donation: Thank you so much!)

Ben

I think I’ve made myself fairly clear.

(anytime, mate x)

Joe

Okay. never mind.

Ben

Now what does that mean?

Joe recalled how Ben called him after he sent it. Replaying their convo in his head only made him giggle to himself.

“Idiot Benny,” he muttered. He suddenly ached for the blond’s presence. He curled himself up under the duvet.

* * *

The next day he found himself still thinking about the blond and the moments they had. His voice, his laugh, his scent, the calming warmth of his body and the feel his lips.

He almost coughed out the coffee he was sipping in. What the fuck? He lost all the appetite to continue his breakfast. He just felt strangely restless, and, suddenly,  the thought of interacting with anyone kind of overwhelmed him.

So, he brought his unfinished cup of coffee on the sink, got dressed and drove to the Central Park and decided to go for a little jog, instead.

As usual the park was pretty crowded with people who go for a stroll or like him, have a little jog. He stopped by an empty bench and pulled his phone out after sticking the earphones in his ears to listen to some music on Spotify. Then a message notification from Ben appeared. His heart suddenly beats strangely fast. He stood there for a short moment, thinking whether he should check the message or… and he didn’t know why it seemed like a lot of work for him to check Ben’s message. He just ended up going on Spotify and played a lively music and  started jogging. Ignoring his friend’s message. 

He went around the park, and tried to focus on his jog and the surroundings, but the certain blond would pop up in his mind. He jogged his feet faster and soon he was running as he tried to keep himself from thinking about Ben. He stopped by the pond, panting so hard.

What is this?

He pushed the question at the back of his mind and blasted the music and let it filled his ears.

However, his struggle not to think about his friend didn’t stop there. He ended up sitting on the bench beside the pond, just letting his mind drift off to thinking about Ben. And the reason he had spent another sleepless night. The blond would never leave his head, it’s starting to make him crazy.

I’m not catching feelings for him, am I? 

* * *

“I’ve been thinking about you. Miss you, bud.”

“Uhmm… I have something to tell you.”

“Hi, Joe. I hope you’re doing okay.”

Joe finally had the courage to read Ben’s messages a few days ago. He tightened his grip on the phone, biting his lips. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea after all.

He was actually expecting a lighter conversation but why was Ben talking like this?

It only added to the anxiety he has been having the past couple of days. 

But on second thought, it might mean nothing. It’s normal for them to say such things, however he couldn’t avoid but to put meanings in his friend’s messages. Maybe because he has feelings for him, and he was kind of hoping that he felt the same way too.

Then he started typing and deleting and typing a message for almost a minute or two. Make up your mind, Joe.

And he ended up typing a much simpler message: ‘I’m fine. I miss you too…’

But soon he deleted it too as it sounded almost true. 

‘It sounded a little desperate.’ Joe thought.

Joe

‘I’m fine.’

He finally hit the ‘send’ button and not long after, Ben had responded. Joe didn’t notice that he was online. Shit!

Ben

‘Joe, mate, how have you been?’

and he sent another…

‘Shooting have been pretty tight in my schedule. 

...And it’s your birthday tomorrow.’

Shit! Joe had almost forgotten that it’s his birthday tomorrow. 

Ben

‘What’s the plan?’

He realized, he got no plan at all. Maybe he’d just throw a simple party in his house and he would invite his family and some friends near him.

Ben continued sending him messages. And Joe wanted to say that he’s supposed to be busy and his schedule was tight, right? So what’s he doing and talking to him here instead. But he missed him and he always wanted to talk to him. Act normal, Joe! Dammit!

So, he decided to keep things light, especially Ben has no idea what’s going on with him and his little dilemma.

Joe

‘Can you come by here though?’

Joe smiled to himself. It sounded almost a dare but it was just a joke.

Ben

‘I wish I could. So I could give you another kiss. ;)’

Joe’s heart stopped beating and his body froze. He was at a loss of words and he found his fingers shaking. He closed the app and got up from his bed, leaving his phone there and decided to start the day.

He went to do the same routine, skipped his breakfast and went for a jog. He had a little grocery shopping after. And by the afternoon, he called Lucy to help him for the preparations, decorating his house.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Joe asked as he was busy pumping a balloon.

“I was actually hoping to surprise you on your birthday, Joe. That’s the essence of it all, right?”

“It’s okay. And I might have had a little bit of an idea if you do and that wouldn’t be a surprise anymore.”

“Yeah.” She chuckled lightly. “So, what’s your secret?” She stopped tying ribbons on the balloons and looked up to him.

Joe suddenly wanted to take it back and talk about other things instead, but here he was, struggling on how he would say it. He suddenly became fidgety and started pumping another balloon. Lucy hesitantly continued her job on tying ribbons.

“It’s… Ben.”

“Oh. Okay?” Lucy looked at him, stopping whatever she was doing altogether. Interest was suddenly visible in her eyes.

“Promise me, you won’t tell anyone.”

“All right. I promise.”

Joe moved his eyes down the yellow balloon he was working on and looked back at Lucy. “Aren’t you … erm...going to say anything?” He could see that she wanted to say something.

“Like what? That I think you and Ben are in some kind of secret relationship?”

“I knew it!” Joe at once dropped the balloon and the pump down, causing the balloon to shrink until all its air was gone.

“Hey! What?” Lucy giggled.

“No. No, we don’t. We are not! And that’s the problem.” He sighed and his eyes drifted elsewhere but not looking at her. “I’m confused, Luce. We kissed. Well, he kissed me first. I mean, I asked him to, so to make Gwil jealous and I don’t know how it all started and the next thing I know is that we’re kissing.” He took another sigh but heavier this time.

“Oh my God! Why am I not surprised? Haven’t you been kissing all along though?”

“Lucy, I’m being serious here.”

“Okay, go on.”

“Suddenly, I couldn’t stop putting meanings in every message Ben sent me and heck! I haven’t had a decent sleep for two nights now!”

“What were his texts, if you don’t mind?”

“Well, it’s normal for us to drop I miss you’s from time to time, but after that kiss, I don’t know. Maybe I just want to think that there is something more into his messages. God, I don’t know.”

“You’re in love with him, Joe.”

Everything seemed to start crumbling around Joe upon hearing it and confirming the reality he so tried to avoid.

He couldn’t be having feelings for him.

It looked like the joke was getting real.

“Joe?” Lucy’s voice was faint in his ears.

He looked back to her. “What should I do? How do I stop this?”

“Seriously, how old are you, Joe? You’ll be turning 36 by tomorrow. You’re old enough to figure that out.”

“No, I don’t. I haven’t fallen in love with a… a guy!”

“You two are being too flirty and I can’t believe you’re acting like this like you’re scared.”

“I am!”

“Talk to him. It’s the only thing to make your mind and heart at ease. To let it go.”

“H-How? Maybe I should just block him and stop talking with him.”

“That’s even worse, Joe. Do you value your friendship?”

“I do. I love him, Luce!”  He paused. He couldn’t believe he just said it out loud. But it’s true, Ben had became an important person in his life, even before he became aware that he had feelings for him.

“There’s your answer, Joe. So, stop acting like a kid and be a man instead.”

Joe closed his eyes and sighed. “Okay.”

* * *

That night, Joe has been staring at his phone, lying on his bed, facing the ceiling, thinking whether he should call Ben. He had been playing conversations in his head on how he would tell him how he feels. This was even harder than the very first time he had confessed his feelings to his crush back in high school. As this was real shit. And It could turn into something more, or worse, could break their friendship.

He blew another sigh. Damn it! 

His body was shaking and he couldn’t relax. He was starting to feel cold and sweaty. He had been teasing his thumb whether he should click the call button on Ben’s contact profile. He heaved a  deep sigh and finally, brought his phone down, and covered his eyes with his forearm.

Ben, I have something to tell you… I think I’m- Too cliché.

I have a really serious problem- Nope.

Ben.. I like you…. 

...shit.

He had already imagined all the reactions that might play on Ben’s face if he learned of his unexpected feelings for him. And there was a big chance the he would push him away. That simple thought, hurt him deeply. It wasn’t just a crush or a simple platonic love he had for him. It’s more than that. So much more.

“This is harder than I thought,” Joe muttered. Damn! But I’ve been through numerous relationships and break ups before. This should be easy.

He braced himself of what’s to come. This is now or never.

Then he went to brought his phone back to his face.

* * *

‘Happy Birthday to me!’ Joe thought to himself. 

He failed letting the blond know of his feelings. He’s still lying flat on his bed and he brushed his hands on his face. You should be having a blast right now, fucker!

With a heavy sigh, he pulled himself up out of the bed and  jogged to the kitchen, trying to hype himself up. 

But in the age he was in, birthday felt like just any other day except the non-stop text messages and ringing of notifications from his social media, greeting him a happy birthday! Just thinking about that simply made him smile.

So he started decorating his house alone. But there it was again, the feeling of loneliness slowly creeping in. While some people his age have found the one they wanted to spend their life with. Heck, Allen would be a father soon.

Why now? Not now, please! I need to get through this day! It’s my day! My fucking birthday!!!

Then he tried again but it felt like he’s forcing himself to decorate and celebrate his birthday. Later he threw the colorful flags he was about to hang over the ceiling on the floor with a huff. He marched back on his room and took his phone and went to his convo with Ben, planning to call him. The blond  sent him a simple birthday message. He stopped all at once, his fingers started to shake a little again like last night, along the drumming of his heart.

He started typing, attempting to tell him how he feels. But he ended up with a simple…

Joe

Thanks.

He threw his phone back on the bed. And decided to just keep the decorations and cleaned his house.

I wish someone would kindly give me, at least,  a one way ticket back to Europe as a gift. 

He ended up spending his birthday outside. Lucy had called him if he ever needed his help but he told her that he had changed his mind.

His birthday was uneventful. Well it’s nothing new, he had stopped celebrating his birthday as far as he could remember.

Maybe celebrating it even for himself wouldn’t be as bad. So he treated himself, went to go a little shopping for new clothes but he ended up buying nothing. So, he just went to see a show in cinema, and drinking in a bar later that afternoon, while  immersing himself to the birthday greetings he received in the social media, feeling thankful. It had eased the loneliness he’s been feeling, realizing how much people out there appreciated him. It’s more than he could ask for.

Feeling a bit tipsy, he went back home and he squinted his eyes through the darkness to his front porch as he saw a figure sitting there. Soon, alarm surged through him and he began feeling his body for some kind of makeshift weapon, just anything would do, but all he had was his sunglasses, wallet and phone. He took a hold of his phone. 

He tiptoed closer, his grip on his phone tightened, should he call 911? 

But he accidentally stepped on stupid branch lying somewhere which made a soft cracked noise that echoed through the silent neighborhood.

The stranger pulled his head up from his arms that were curled on his knees.

“Joe?” 

Joe’s heart stopped completely hearing that familiar voice coming from the stranger.  He blinked a few more times to take a clearer view on the stranger’s face and soon he stopped walking. What are you doing here? He wanted to ask.

“Hey.” Ben silently said as he stood up, a bag in his hand.

“H-hey. H-how long have you been sitting-sleeping there?” Joe shifted on his weight.

“ A good few hours, I’m sure.”

* * *

Lights slowly brightened up the lonely looking house of Joe as they got in. 

“Happy birthday, I guess.” Ben muttered through the silence. 

“Thanks and make yourself at home.” Joe said as he continued opening the other lights.

Ben made himself comfortable on the couch, then roamed his eyes around. He had been here before as he was in the middle of shooting another show of his, a few months ago. And nothing has changed, only the pillow cases and the curtains. 

“Have you at least eaten anything?” Joe stood by the edge of the couch. Despite the slight smirk on his lips, why does his eyes looked sad? Ben couldn’t help but notice.

“No, I haven’t actually.” He sheepishly rubbed his nape.

“You should’ve text or called.” Joe said as he started to make his way on the kitchen and Ben followed.

“I was thinking of surprising you. But, alas, I was the one who got surprised instead. More of concerned to be honest. Your place looked as dead.”

Joe started to boil water in a pot and took the pasta out. “Can you wait for an hour or two?”

Then Ben’s stomach growled.

Joe turned the stove off, at once. “Guess that’s a no.” Then he started to pace towards the exit.

“Wait, Joe.”

“Come on, we’re going to buy you a dinner, kiddo.” The ginger continued going outside with Ben in tow. They just went to the nearest convenience store, which thankfully served some cheap take outs.

As they got back, they settled in Joe’s living room, in front of the television, watching some random movie on Netflix with low volume.

“Are you all right, mate?” Ben asked as he started munching on his take out.

Joe stared at him without speaking for a good minute. “Yes.” He looked away. “I just… didn’t expect you, ‘is all.” He shrugged. “How long are you going to stay here? I thought your schedule was tight.”

“I’ll go back after tomorrow. You’re that special to me, Joey.” He smirked.

Joe felt the  butterflies go wild in his stomach upon hearing it. This was his chance. His only chance. He should not let any seconds go to waste. But how? The thought of Ben suddenly running away, from only  staying for less than an hour in his house was the last thing he wanted.

His mind ran  a full hundred eighty degrees, as he started thinking of how he should confess or play this whole thing out. 

“Is everything really fine, Joe?”

Ben caught him out of his own bubble, he blinked a few times. “Yeah. Yes, I am. I’m sorry that all you have to eat on my birthday is a take out.”

The blond feigned disappointment. “I’m glad you’re aware.” Then they chuckled

“Call me next time, then.”

Silence…

Say something, Joe.

He cleared his throat. “So...there’s something I want to tell you.”

This is it.

Ben hummed, looking at him expectantly, as he chewed on his food.

“Later. Later. Finish your food first.” 

Then Joe flicked his eyes on the television without really understanding a thing.

* * *

None of them spoke after, only simple things but nothing important as they started to clean out their mess in the living. Then they changed into their pajamas after a little shower and settled in the bedroom,  where both of them were already lying flat on the bed.

Joe wasn’t sure if this was the appropriate place to begin with. He had been playing this scenario in his head but it was still different when you’re in the actuality of it. Confessing had never been easy after all.

“Uhm… Ben?” He tilted his head to his friend who always looked good since the very first time he laid his eyes on him. 

And Ben turned to him at once. “There is something I want to tell you.”

Joe raised a brow questioningly. Then bit his lip as he slowly nodded his head. “‘Kay.”

Ben slowly shifted and turned his body more towards him, seeking support on one of his arms. “I know this is a surprise visit, but I actually go all the way here because… I had to see you. And it’s not only because it’s your birthday.”

Joe’s heart started to race and he didn’t know why. He couldn’t keep it from beating faster. 

“I… I want to let you know that…” Ben heaved a deep sigh, closing his eyes, and that simple gesture didn’t fail to steal Joe’s breath away. His greens slowly opened and his gaze became gentler. Joe could swear that he was seeing an actual angel just by looking at his friend. And he was so keeping himself from taking those lips again.

“Back at Belfast. When we kissed. It isn’t just a kiss, at least for me. I … I’ve always wanted to…I just...Fuck! I just wanna let you know that I love you, Joe.” Ben closed his eyes shut but briefly, and he at once lied back down on the bed.

Joe stayed there, completely frozen. What is that? He was busy admiring his friend and the last thing he heard was those three words.

“G-good night, bud.” He heard Ben mumbled. He frantically, pulled half of his body up and looked at Ben.

“I-is that true?” His words came out breathless as his heart was going to burst anytime, he swore.

And yet Ben seemed to avoid meeting his gaze. But Joe waited; And later, he moved his green eyes on him, then he nodded. 

Joe melted by that sight. Why does he have to always look cute?

Joe couldn’t help and gave his nose a peck, smiling. But Ben suddenly sat up and so did Joe out of surprise.

“What is that?” Ben furrowed his brows. 

“Uhm.. I-”

“Say it, Joe. Say that you love me.”

The ginger’s cheeks glowed. And he bit his lower lip to keep himself from smiling even more. Then he nodded his head. “Yes.” He giggled, still bopping his head. “Yes, Ben. I love you. And I’ve been thinking of  ways how-”

He was silenced by Ben’s soft kissable lips and he could kiss him for as long, or maybe, for forever if he could. 

And this was the best birthday and the best gift he ever  received.

---

tagging: @heybuddy-drabbles ; @watercolouredreams ; @oniriquex 

(if you wanna be tagged, send me an ask.)

[doublel27]

All I Want for Christmas Is Mariah - T

So, I was driving to work this morning and heard about this Mariah Carey Christmas interview, and I had to write a bit of a shitpost fanfiction about David pestering Patrick for the Mariah Christmas of his dreams.   Read it on AO3

Wednesday mornings were one of the days Patrick liked to hole up in the back room and look over spreadsheets of sales and make notes for them to have sales report meetings and restocking lists made and deciding what to put on sale. David had managed to make it in only fifteen minutes after opening so Patrick could focus while David put out holiday product and helped customers. He had been heavily distracted by his Mariah notifications going off and the new interview she had done with Cosmopolitan UK was running through his brain. After he rang up the last guest in the store and the bell jangled, signaling an empty building, David hustled back to inform Patrick of the plan he was forming.

David leaned in the doorway of the back room to watch Patrick idly flip his pen while looking over the columns of numbers. Patrick’s navy button down was rolled to just above his elbows and very attractive forearms. David refused to let himself get distracted though. “What if...mmm...what if we took a little trip this Christmas? Like, to Aspen.”

“What?”

Patrick caught the pen neatly but otherwise stilled. David figured he was looking for more information.

“Yeah, like a long-weekend jaunt.” David’s hands began moving along with his explanation. “Enjoy the sights, do some outdoorsy stuff, if that’s your thing.”

“Hon, we’re planning our wedding and deposits are due to several vendors and we have currently stocked the with brand new, rather expensive, Christmas merchandise.” Patrick turned his head back to look at David. “Why would we go to Aspen?”

“Well, Mariah may have done an interview with Cosmo UK which is essentially a guide to having a Very Mariah Christmas Experience.”

Patrick’s eyes went soft around the edges and he managed a smile despite being interrupted when he usually made David promise not to bother him. “David, you may be my Mariah Carey, but you are not actually Mariah Carey.”

“So, Aspen...” David tried again.

“No.” Patrick turned back to his computer screen. He quietly added, “Unless we don’t need to spend eight grand on catering for a sixty five person wedding.”

“Okay,” David began, not wanting to rehash that detail. “Half of the guest list is your family and then there’s at least ten people in this town who I cannot name that somehow made it on the list. And that price includes very correct linens and settings.”

Patrick did not say anything but looked at the spreadsheet that he had once explained was about the bigger spreadsheet and took notes. David felt his lips purse at Patrick’s back.

“So, definitely no Aspen?”

“No, David.”

David decided that it really meant not this year and tucked it away for later. Thankfully, Aspen was just one part of the greater Mariah Carey Christmas plan.

“Well,” David said, glancing down at his phone to an easier item on the list, “How about we do some last minute Christmas shopping on the 23rd and 24th.”

David paused for dramatic effect and Patrick’s hand just came up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Clearly, Patrick did not have the vision of them bundled up in cute outerwear with spiked hot chocolate or cider, making their way through a quaint shopping center. David might have to paint it for him.

Patrick didn’t bother to turn around for this one. David watched as his very capable fiancé continued to prepare for their meeting tomorrow. Still, he was listening as he wrote notes. “David, as our store is hoping to capitalize on those very last minute shoppers, Rose Apothecary is going to need the owner and creative director in house. Also, considering we are shipping gifts to my parents and to the Galapagos for your sister, we are going to need to do some early shopping.“

“Well, we can at least do three Christmas trees,” David threw out.

Patrick didn’t even look at him as he commented, “You barely spend enough time at the motel to justify having one there.”

“I meant three in the apartment.”

This time the pen clattered and Patrick spun fully around in his chair. Flustered Patrick was a rarity and David found himself pulling his face backwards as emotions flowed. “What? Where?”

“One in the bedroom, one in the living room and then a small, Charlie Brown tree, also in the living room, because we do not have a rec room.”

“Well, considering the bedroom and the living room are the same room—“

“A problem I definitely pointed out when we toured it with Ray,” David reminded him.

“The point is, we only need the one Charlie Brown tree at the apartment, because that’s what fits. You can have your big one here in the store.”

David sniffed, “Mariah puts three in her Aspen house. They say two trees in the article, but when you read the interview she very clearly stated three distinct trees.” David was actually very insulted on Mariah’s behalf that the writer had misrepresented her words.

“Well, as we are not in Aspen, you can have Schitt’s Creek level trees instead of Aspen level trees.”

“Patrick!” David whined, as his head fell backwards.

“David, we are not getting smothered by trees in our own home. We have to actually live there.”

Patrick stood, wiping his hands on the new dark wash Levi’s that actually worked. “Give me the list.”

David was tempted to not give Patrick the list, considering how his Christmas plan had gone so far. However, Patrick had that serious look on his face with the little crinkle showing up on his forehead. David almost felt a little bad interrupting the morning routine with Mariah and in that spirit passed his phone with the open article over to Patrick.

David waited, nerves jangling slightly, because now, standing in the back of the store with Patrick reading the list, everything started to feel rather frivolous. Patrick however was regarding the list carefully.

“I really like number one.” Patrick glanced up and gave David a smile that bordered on teasing, “But as we are spending Christmas with your parents I am going to leave the ‘Zen Zone’ to you and your mom to sort out.”

David felt his face pull into some rather unattractive shapes as Patrick returned to the article, thumbing through the lines. “We discussed two and three. Four,” Patrick paused, his face forming into a smirk. David swallowed, as the smirk had traveled up to dance in Patrick’s eyes. “We don’t have kids to invite a Santa over in the evening but if you have some secret fantasies around Mr. Claus you haven’t mentioned yet, we could work with that.”

David made an utterly hideous sputtering sound and reached for the phone. “Give it-“

“Five is easy. We already open presents Christmas morning. We solved six. A nineteen foot tree, really, with what ceilings. Seven...” Patrick looked up at David and stared without blinking. “I have never seen you cook.”

“You would be the sous chef, in that situation. Obviously.”

“Ah. Noted.”

Patrick didn’t miss a beat. “We can host a game night with Christmas films in the background, so that’s eight. Alexis isn’t here to torture you but we may need to invite Ray to round out the numbers for game night. And nine, you already have a giant Christmas Spotify playlist with Mariah every fifth song, but if you want to keep working on it knock yourself out.”

Patrick handed back the phone and David clutched it to his chest, like the precious thing it was. “I just want to have a Mariah level Christmas.”

“I think we just established you will have as close to a Mariah level Christmas as the budget allows. Also, if you want to dress up in a Santa suit I think we can make it work.” Patrick’s non-eyebrows lifted suggestively.

David felt his own nose wrinkle and flair as his face journeyed through that horrifying image. “Eww, no. I am going to go look at gold lights and angel and butterfly ornaments for the store tree.”

“As long as we can sell them.”

The gasp slipped out of David’s mouth before he could stop it and Patrick chucked at him. David narrowed his eyes at Patrick. David found his voice to be exceptionally prim as he said, “We are not selling my rendition of Mariah Carey’s tree. I will see if anything is reasonable to stock in the store.”

“Sell some of the Christmas lights and ornaments we already have in stock first please,” Patrick called out, returning to his earlier task.

David stuck his tongue out at his fiancé’s back and slipped into the floor of the store, planning to use the front computer for some investigative shopping. The display tree was going to look fucking amazing. David also decided he would make the hot cocoa with butterscotch schnapps happen though. This Christmas he was going to work on making it the Most Mariah Christmas he could.

[page-twenty-eight]

when i said i think about you every day i wasn't kidding, you're always on my mind.

sometimes i just wonder what you're doing, how your day's going. sometimes i get nostalgic and cry about songs that remind me of you and things we talked about.

but lately it's either the little things, just being able to send you screenshots from a really annoying groupchat i'm in and just know you'll find it funny too or just in general your presence in my life. knowing that even if you're busy or out or whatever i can rant about anything, tell you anything, and while the messages may pile up, you'll be back within a day and you'll either reply or we'll just start talking about something completely different because it was never discussing whatever i had to say that mattered, it was saying it, and to someone i trusted with it, someone it felt safe with, someone i knew would have a good laugh about it, someone who was genuinely curious about whatever dumb shit i was currently thinking. someone who was you.

i haven't been good at staying in contact with friends lately, i haven't written to el in forever (but she did actually email me the other day so obviously i'm gonna reply), vicky hasn't been too well and the mothership is mostly dead, and i haven't even talked to any of those people i never really cared about just had fun casually talking to (and then talk shit about them with you-) and even though we did talk for a bit, i stopped talking to angela again too i don't quite know why i just don't seem to find the time to talk to her or the motivation but it's not even that general feeling of having someone i can talk to that i miss, it's you. thinking of something funny and sending it to you and then waiting for you to come online and see it. your reactions. your unique way of seeing situations. the weird way you sometimes phrase things. the instinct of seeing someone posting a photo of a cat and sending it to you. your opinions on everything and how we agreed on so many things and we'd start talking about some serious topic and have one thread of it still going but at the same time also talking about something hilarious somehow related to the same thing. either of us saying something really random and 99% of the time the other being like i've literally always though of it that way too !! sharing something i'm struggling with and you comforting me. sharing things i can't or at least don't want to share with other people. listening to whatever you're struggling with you and typing up paragraphs and paragraphs of advice or just whatever i could think of that would help you feel like you aren't alone and how much i fucking love you

i miss you more than i can say and i'm not sure i can even seperate the feeling from everything else going on in me because it's not just one specific ache i can pinpoint, i know it's an odd way to describe it but it's more the lack of the whole funny-exciting-unique-heartwarming-stimulating-etc feeling of having you around

i always knew i was the luckiest bitch ever to have a friend like you and couldn't imagine my life without you because even thinking of what it would be like hurt so bloody much but even so i must quote big yellow taxi and say we truly don't know what we've got till it's gone because even when we feel like yeah this person is my everything, you say that while you still have them by your side. & while we've all lost people or things important to us, it's never the same. when you're happy and with someone, you genuinely can't imagine the full extent of the emptiness you'd feel without them simply because you don't know it yet. so yes, while i knew that i'd suffer from losing you, the person who was always on my mind, who i was always looking forward to talking, who always made me smile, it just didn't seem realistic at the time and you had become such an important part of my life that it felt impossible. but for fucks sake it's been three quarters of a year since we stopped talked regularly and i miss everything.

and somehow we're still so connected, in some ways it's like you never left, and just now i was mindlessly scrolling through tumblr feeling awful and i got a notif of your reply to that post and it felt like nothing really matters around us because no matter what happens there'll still be you and me (cos how could i not include yet another lyrics reference-) and you'll reach through the fabric of the cosmos and take my hand and say you're not alone !!!!!!! and all i can say is thank you and hope that sometimes when you see something i post on here you can feel my hand reaching for yours too and that one day we'll find each other again or just steal some time like when you were in italy and we talked for a bit because fucking hell i'd give anything for just one conversation i miss you i miss you i miss you and i want to know all the stupid details about your life what you baked what your brother did what song you last listened to what dumb shit you saw that pissed you off whats on your mind what you struggle with and give you song recs and tell you about my day and complain about my mum being a jackass and make a billion lyrics references in one paragraph and spend a messed up sleeping schedule night like today talking to you until i can see the sunlight through my blinds and my eyes hurt and there are messages left unanswered i'm either excited to reply to when i wake up or excited to see what you reply !!

alrighty this is becoming too long and i'm not even making too much sense i'm just rambling on about how much i miss you so i'm gonna stop before i go on for another hour,, in conclusion i love you with my entire heart and pleaseee if you're ever in the mood to just rant about something or tell me abt your life even if it's idk five fUn fAcTs about #maddieinquarantine or even talk just hit me up or post something on whichever of your three accounts on here or whatever also i wanna make you a playlist with new recs cos i haven't really been using spotify too much and i've lost my touch when it comes to making playlists but i haven't shared any of the music i've been listening to in waay too long and you better do the same✌

okay byee i really am done now i love you💋