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pure-oddity · 1 year ago

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Fast foodies know the deal

Ghost x reader

(not proof read, this is just fluff straight from the source

Warnings: none, ovulation mention maybe? Its brought up a single time.)

The craving hits around 3 in the morning, it's ovulation week so the idea of not getting chicken nuggets from the drive through makes you want to cry.

You turn towards the sleeping lug beside you. He's on his back, breaths deep and even. Still as a grave but at your movement he takes the arm you had been using as a pillow to drag you further into his side.

Your Simon, took you forever just to get the man to admit he did more than tolerate you. even longer to admit he cared for you. It took you almost using his toothbrush to realize that the man might actually (gasp) like you. That one you didn't push, figured he'd come to terms with it on his own.

As you look at how peaceful he seems you try to fight the urge, you really do, but as you prop yourself up on your elbows and move closer to Simon's ear you resign to begging his forgiveness later.

"Simon, my baby? You sleeping?"

You wouldn't have known he was a awake had it not been for the lone eye opening to check on you

"Was, love. I was. Whats wrong, bad dream? Y' Can turn on the telly to that duck cartoon or the robots - won't bother me none." He rubs a comforting hand up and down your back, he's being so sweet you really do start to feel bad.

"I want chicken nuggets."

Silence.

Both eyes are open now.

The silence continues.

You smile sheepishly.

Wordlessly simon extracts his arm and turns so his back is to you.

"Nnooooooo! Simon pleeeaase. Pretty please? I want chicken nuggets so bad!"

"Go ahead. keys are on the rack, tanks full."

"Nooo you have to take me! come on baby please, for me?"

"My love. Sunshine. Light of my life. If you're hungry i made a perfecly good roast last night. Heat that up and let a man rest."

"I dont want a perfectly good roast! I want chicken nuggets. And a burger. And fries - oh maybe a shake?" You lean over him, hair purposely hung over into his face. He turns quickly and you're nose to nose

"So youre gonna have me get up at 3 fucking a.m. to get you a greasey, artey clogging, cholesterol raising gastrointestinal disaster of a meal - when we have a perfectly good home made dinner in the fridge."

"....please?"

Silence.

A deep suffering sigh.

An ecstatic squee

"Just get your fuckin shoes on"

------

You lean back over into the passenger seat, simon grumpy faced as you insisted that you should be the one to order.

You pat your thighs in glee as he pulls up to the window, gives you a dirty look , and hands the cashier his card.

The second window delivers your meal and drink quickly, you dig in like a starved animal. You're mid chew when he gives a grunt. A snooty sounding eh hem.

You grin and giggle, slowly airplaning him a nugget.

"Give me the chicken or i'll take the whole box"

You squeak and shove it to his lips quickly. His jaws snap around the nugget and it's gone within a single bite - you retract your fingers, still intact but wet with spit.

You give an 'eeeech' and look for somewhere to wipe your hand.

"Any of this ends up in or on my interior and it'll be your arse."

You roll your eyes and reach in the bag for a napkin, knocking the fries over in the process.

Silence.

The car drifts slowly to the left and is parked along the side of the road.

Not a word spoken.

You try to shove as many back into the carton as possible.

He stares at you.

You smile sweetly at him before leaning over the center console and kissing him. You meet his lips, they're stretched into a dangerous grin.

"Love" kiss "did you" kiss "spill salt" kiss "in my truck?"

You might not know a lot, but you know that voice means you're in trouble, which means it's distraction time.

You continue your sweet onslaught of kisses.

"Thank you for taking me baby, I love you so much. ", another smooch

is delivered.

"Youre my person, my favorite guy, love of my life."

He bites at your lip and you barely manage to slip it from his teeth

"Wanna spend the rest of my life with you, grow old with you"

He grips the back of your head and maneuvers your ear to his mouth, in a deep rumble he asks

"Are there fries on my floor, love?"

The dangerous smile still present.

"No of course not baby! i cleaned those up."

"So my truck is fry free?"

"Well - no didn't say that. there's a, a few under the seat"

He's grappling you into his lap now, the man looks a hint deranged.

"And why, my love, are you telling me about them instead getting them?"

he presses.

"'Cause I - hehe - I can't reach!" You giggle out as his hands slink towards your sides.

He pokes and prods at you, growling not unlike a bear while you squeal and squeak out little laughs.

"Gets a man up at ass o'clock-"

"Oh please, you get up early anyway!"

"makes him drive to get congealed grease-"

"you had a nugget too!"

"Then trashes his truck."

"Oh please it's like a handful of fries, I'll get them, i'll get them!"

He frees you with a huff and you dive back over to your side of the car. You pop open your door and hop outside to get a better angle at the underside of the seat. He gets impatient as you fish around for the last few fries, giving a little hurrah as the last one is snatched.

Clambering back into the truck you grin at him, happy as can be. He hums a short laugh, and you're off to home again.

He makes a beeline for the bedroom and you trot over to the counter to finish your meal, most of it having been shared and eaten in the truck. You sit back a moment to enjoy the feeling of fullness when you see Simon emerge again.

"Bed. Now. Kept me up long enough" he's already on you before you can think of a reply, slung over his shoulder. He makes quick work of getting you both situated in your proper spots.

You're snuggled into his side for the night, full and content. He breathes in deep and exhales slowly. you draw nonsensical patterns on his bare chest, playing with the hair there. As sleep overtakes you, your palm flattens over the spot where his heart resides; and you feel him relax just a smidgen more.

#simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x reader #fluff #odd stories #all of this was also written on a phone #so like of formating is weird thats why #simon riley fanfic #simon riley fluff #is it so wrong to want a big beefy grumo to get up in the dark of the morning to get you food???? i think not #is he maybe ooc in this? perhaps. perhaps. do i just wanna write a story in which the man is happy and has a dork of a spouse? ye.#also when i have nightmares i watch one of two cartoons on mute- its either transformers or darkwing duck!#sunshine series

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kaylacautio · 8 months ago

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Smiling Critters Headcanon List

I'm having a weird hyperfixation with the Smiling Critters lately and I do want to make a comprehensible story out of my headcanons, but for more instant gratification, I'm just gonna make a list. So here goes! These will primarily pertain to the cartoon versions because that's where my head's at.

We shall start with one for each of the critters because they all deserve love.

Dogday's tail wags when happy, like the good boy he is.

Catnap purrs when happy. Also his tail is prehensile, which doesn't follow along with his species but it wouldn't fit anywhere else.

Bubba's trunk is prehensile. Helps when his hands are full.

Bobby scratches her back on trees when no one is watching. Works better than her own hands most of the time.

Hoppy likes hard chews/hard candies. A lot. Her teeth grow uncomfortable if she goes without one for a while.

Picky enjoys a good mud bath. This could be either the spa variant or the "It just finished raining" variant. Out of respect for her friends, she will take a normal bath afterward.

Kickin lives up to the stereotype of chickens being associated with cowardice. He's working on it but he's still the most susceptible to Catnap's sneaking around. However, if anything were to threaten his friends, he would kill for them.

Crafty probably has the most powerful legs out of the group. Followed closely by Hoppy who doesn't skip leg day. You do not want to be too close to Crafty if she's startled or, heaven forbid, angry.

So you know how friend groups may have some people more drawn to each other than others? If I had to make pairings for who in the group was closest to whom, it would go something like this.

Dogday and Catnap

Hoppy and Kickin

Picky and Crafty

Bobby and Bubba

And now we have a few that would be used in the fanfic if I have any motivation to write it after this. They're mostly Catnap-centric since he'd be the main character.

Each of the Smiling Critters has a scent that just sorta naturally happens (to correspond with the scents their toy versions dispense), but Catnap happens to have two. His natural scent is lavender, while his Red Smoke smells like poppies. This comes from the fact that Playtime Co. apparently put some weird ingredients in their Red Smoke that I think gave it a poppy smell? When the Catnap toy was supposed to smell like lavender. So he gets both in the cartoon world!

Catnap is in full control of his smoke, for the most part. It'll come out in small harmless puffs if he's sleeping, or if he does something like a sigh.

Catnap, ironically, is an insomniac. He has frequent nightmares that prevent him from sleeping and is immune to his own gas. (He'd probably be narcoleptic if he wasn't.) He tends to space out a lot during the day because of this.

Dogday is also an insomniac and suffers anxiety as the group's leader. He is the most dependent on Catnap's gas to help him sleep.

The gas is somewhat addictive. I'm not sure in this case that it would drive its consumers to manic episodes like that sleepover cartoon, especially considering it's meant to aid sleep, but regardless Catnap has learned to be careful with it. He's tried other methods of helping Dogday and the others sleep but usually ends up feeding the addiction.

He'll also use the gas for self-defense if left with no other options since a heavy enough dose can knock people right out.

Romance plays very little role in the Smiling Critters' world but Dogday and Catnap might have feelings for each other. (Yes I ship it, but only in the cartoon world.)

Catnap is by far the quietest of the group. Upon first meeting him one might think that he's mute. But rather, he can't (or at least doesn't) speak above a whisper. To talk with his friends in a group setting, he whispers to Dogday and lets his bestie relay his thoughts for him.

On that same note, Catnap's quietness often leads to him scaring his friends by just standing there when they don't expect it. Sometimes he does it on purpose.

And then we have the most important headcanon, the one that basically would set this whole story in motion:

Catnap still worships the Prototype

But with a few key differences because this is the cartoon world we're talking about.

He's not so much of a Prototype-Bible-Thumper. In fact, he doesn't tell the other Critters at all out of fear. Fear of mockery or rejection, and fear of what his god could do to them.

The Prototype shrine is underneath his house, is smaller, and is constructed out of various toys and scraps he's found lying around. The human skeleton at the front is more than likely some kind of doll instead.

The electrocution incident that leads to the worship is caused by some faulty/exposed wiring. Perhaps his natural curiosity leading him into dangerous situations.

I can't say for certain that the Prototype is a benevolent god in-game, but he's certainly not here. He keeps Catnap under his thumb through fear more than anything else, he's the cause of Catnap's nightmares, which often portray gruesome deaths of himself and his friends, and he could drive Catnap to insanity at any given point. He could also give the poor kitty an existential crisis by revealing that he lives in a TV show or giving him visions of his "Bigger Bodies" self, but I haven't quite decided on that yet. Basically, Prototype's an asshole and Catnap stays due to both a life debt and fear of punishment.

And that, I think, about sums up the whole story premise I had without me having a proper structure for it. So yeah! The instant gratification monkey is happy.

#writing #poppy playtime #catnap #prototype #headcanon #headcanon list #potential fanfic #did this instead of writing #stupid little brainrot #hyperfixation #where did this come from #long post #long ass post #poppy playtime chapter 3

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acavatica · 4 years ago

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i-wakeupstrange said:

i’m not including this in my review of the elevator fic because it was becoming its own huge, ridiculous tangent, but in short: it’s now my headcanon that Marco is into anime (OF COURSE why didn’t I realize sooner) and in a roundabout way that’s Peter’s doing. (he’s a little old for NGE but, I think, about the right age to have gotten real into, say, Robotech. and decide to show his son these shows. because he’s a Cool Dad. or tried to be before... you know.)

Peter told himself that he was watching cartoons because of the baby, but also all the baby books he’d tried to force Eva to read had said that babies have about a foot of vision and see colors like a dog. Then he told himself that he was watching cartoons because the bright colors and laser sounds kept him awake. At least that wasn’t a complete lie.

The full truth was that he thought Robotech was cool. It was serialized, which was more than he could say for any American TV shows. It wasn’t as if Peter could read Dune with a baby in his arms no matter how much he wanted to, even if he’d missed the last two books and another was coming out later that year. And it wasn’t as if Peter could read Dune anyway since he was off Ritalin again, but that was neither here nor there. TV shows would catch up to book series eventually.

The fact that it had a story he could follow was just a bonus. The real draw of Robotech was that it aired in marathons in the middle of the night. That was a lot less likely to wake up his ten-week-old than changing his Doctor Who tapes every four episodes. Plus, he’d had to pay someone on USENET to ship the tapes all the way from Brighton. If he wore them out, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to find the guy ripping VHS tapes on net.tv.drwho again.

Eva’s alarm went off, muffled by the bedroom door. Peter closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the couch cushion. 5:30 already. He’d been letting her get most of the sleep to reimburse her for the whole pregnancy thing, but now that she was going back to work, he wouldn’t even have a choice.

He listened to her shuffle around the kitchen. He heard every step of her putting on a pot of coffee. Eva never did anything quietly, but it hadn’t taken him long to get used to it. After all, there was nothing more comforting than knowing his ever-so-slightly evil partner would at least never be able to sneak up on him.

He opened his eyes to catch her shaking out her still-rumpled hair and stretching out the crick in her back. He heard that too, from all the way across the room. Another thing Peter was repaying her for. She saw him watching and closed the distance between them. Eva draped her elbows over the back of the couch and touched her cheek to Peter’s head. Peter took a deep breath, and he smelled her shampoo and the coffee and their new baby.

Putting his PhD on hold was worth it.

Eva cocked her head to the side, rolling her chin over Peter’s forehead. “Wow, look at her hair. Japan really has progressive ideas about the meaning of ‘spiral curls.’” She walked around to the front of the couch, plopped down, and held out her arms. “Hand him over.”

Marco started whining almost immediately.

“I’m surprised you know it’s Japanimation.”

Eva rolled her eyes. “We had Japanese cartoons in Mexico. And actually, the acting was way better than this.”

“Yeah, but were there giant fighting robots?”

“I dunno, this shit is for nerds.” Marco was still fussing in her arms, but she was looking down at him like she understood where he was coming from. “You’re gonna make our kid a nerd, aren’t you?”

Peter smiled. “I don’t know what you expected when you decided to have a baby with me.”

“Feh, yeah, ‘decided.’” Eva stretched her leg out and gave Peter’s knee a good nudge.

She pulled her leg back, crossed her ankles, and cradled Marco with her whole body. All three of them fell quiet, and Minmay sang Marco back to sleep.

⁠—⁠—⁠—

Marco was born whining, and after four years, he still only stopped when he was asleep.

“Why do I have to do daycare?”

“You asked to watch Voltron. It’s the fifth time we’ve watched Voltron. Please watch Voltron.”

Marco bobbed his head back and forth as he quoted the onscreen conversation between Queen Merla and King Zarkon: “The chamber is full of quarks. ⁠— Quirks? ⁠— No, quarks. You see, everything is made of atoms, and all atoms are made of quarks. ⁠— Hm, nice, but how does it work? ⁠— Well, there are six kinds of quarks: up, down, top, bottom, strange. And my favorite kind, charmed.”

“Well. At least we can be sure you’re my kid. And Eva’s. And of why I like this show.”

“If you like it, don’t complain.”

Peter ran his hand over his hair and tried to ignore how thin it was getting. “Definitely Eva’s kid…”

Marco rolled over closer to Peter and looked up at him pleadingly. “Whyyy do I have to do daycare?”

“Because,” Peter said reluctantly. “I finally finished school, and it was really hard, but I got a cool job out of it.”

Marco’s eyes basically tripled in size, and he poked out his lower lip. Definitely, 100% for sure, Eva’s kid. “But I’ll miss you.”

Peter sighed. “I’ll miss you too. But you’re starting school in the fall anyway, so think of it like practice.”

Marco crossed his arms and turned his eyes back to the TV. He stayed quiet for maybe a minute, long enough for the pilots to form Voltron. Without taking his eyes off the TV, he said, “What if they don’t know how to microwave Spaghetti-Os?”

“If there’s any lesson you have to learn, it’s that sometimes you have to settle for Spaghetti-Os that aren’t made by Chef Boyardee Champion of the World, Your Dad.”

“Spaghetti-Os aren’t even Chef Boyardee,” Marco mumbled.

Peter reached his leg over and nudged Marco’s knee with his foot. “Don’t you want to be brave like Lance?”

Marco pushed Peter’s foot away, crossed his arms again, and sank into the couch. “No. I wanna be diablo-lolical like Prince Lotor.”

“Well, Prince Lotor doesn’t even need his dad.”

Marco glanced over at Peter, and Peter grinned. Marco sank even further into the couch until his feet almost touched the floor.

⁠—⁠—⁠—

The bluish glow of the TV cast long shadows across the room. There wasn’t much contrast because it was a pretty dark movie, but Marco was still illuminated against the dull, colorless room. The volume was only one notch above mute, but he was sitting on his knees, so close to the TV that he could almost make out every word. It’s not like the sound would have bothered his dad, even if he turned it all the way up. Marco kept it low so he could still hear Peter breathing, and even acknowledging that feeling ate away his insides.

It had been a whole year, and for a while Marco had tried not to think about how he was the only thing keeping his dad alive, in more ways than one. It got harder the longer Peter didn’t get better. Marco didn’t even have cable to distract himself from his messed up life. He just had the same old VHS tapes, and they’d had to donate a bunch of them to Goodwill when they’d moved.

The box was still there, still packed and next to the TV, labeled in Marco’s sloppy kid handwriting. Peter hadn’t helped with the move⁠—it had mostly been Jake’s family and his mom’s relatives he’d never met and would probably never see again. Marco could still see his hands pulling the tapes off the shelves, sorting them, reading the labels in Peter’s sloppy grownup handwriting, and not being able to bear to throw away the memories of sitting between his mom and dad with popcorn in his lap, even if he might never be able to watch those tapes again.

There were only a few tapes scattered around the plastic milk crate the TV sat on. The rest were still in the box. Marco had gone through them dozens of times, and he was still limited to the few tapes he didn’t associate with a time when he had a family.

He’d never watched Ghost in the Shell with his dad. That was probably a good thing, because there was a lot of nudity, and that was always awkward. There was also some gore, which Peter knew gave Marco nightmares, even if he pretended not to be scared. Marco had played the movie in front of Peter dozens of times anyway, but his eyes didn’t track it, and he didn’t tell Marco that he should turn it off, he was too young to see all these nipples.

Marco turned around, blinded from sitting so close to the TV. He didn’t need to see his dad. He knew he was curled in on himself, his face buried in the place where the back of the couch met the seat and the arm. There was no way to know if he was asleep or awake, and Marco wasn’t even sure those words had meaning in Peter’s life anymore.

“Hey Dad,” Marco said, his voice creaky, either from disuse, disgust, or some other kind of emotion. “What do you think about the whole brains jacking into the internet thing? Realistic? It seems like the kind of thing you’d have worked on.” Marco listened to Peter’s breathing. It never changed. Marco could say anything. “You know. When you worked.”

Marco turned away, back to the TV. He pressed Stop, and the tape clicked off, flooding the room with light so bright and blue, it hurt his eyes. He pressed rewind and the whir of the tape drowned out Peter’s breathing. It was crazy, but as the VCR started to grind to the end of the tape, Marco was suddenly, irrationally, completely sure that when the tape stopped rolling, the room would be totally silent. His body flashed hot and then cold and his pulse pounded painfully in his temples.

The tape clicked off. Marco held his breath.

Peter breathed in. Out. In. Out.

Marco pressed play, turned the volume up a few more notches, and got to his feet. As he passed, he shoved his dad’s leg with his foot. He stood over him, waiting like he expected some kind of reaction. The TV lit up his motionless body in green, gray, white. The cyborg pulled the cables out of her neck and stood.

“If only someone would ghost hack you.”

Marco went into his bedroom⁠—the only bedroom⁠—and slammed the door.

⁠—⁠—⁠—

Marco’s back was flat against the dirt floor of the scoop, his head resting on his folded arms. His right leg was draped over Ax’s back and he’d slowly tangled his left leg up in Ax’s tail. Ax didn’t like that, and he knew Ax didn’t like it, and that’s why he’d taken it slow. He’d started by sticking his leg under Ax’s tail. He’d waited a couple weeks, and then he’d surreptitiously make a loop over the course of an hour. Now, after like a month of acclimating him, Ax’s tail was wrapped around Marco’s leg like a boa constrictor, and maybe Ax didn’t even notice.

He definitely noticed. Marco had just pulled off an incredible feat of exposure therapy. Ax just wasn’t allergic to how annoying Marco was anymore. Too bad the allergy was familial, and it was harder to wallow a hawk into submission.

<You’re not even watching,> Tobias complained.

Marco lolled his head to the side and pointed his eyes at the TV. “Why are you making me read TV, Tobias? The point of TV is to not have to read.”

<Subtitles are more authentic,> Tobias said, his voice dripping with condescension.

“But what about Ax? Poor Ax can’t read at all.”

<I can read,> Ax said, his voice a mixture of defensive and arrogant. <And even if I couldn’t, my translator chip has no trouble processing Japanese.> Snobbiness ran in their family too.

“I’m just saying, I’d be able to pay more attention if I could understand the words and look at the pictures at the same time. You know, how it’s intended to be consumed?”

<It’s intended to be consumed in Japanese.>

Marco rolled his eyes and sighed. It was the obnoxious kind of sigh, the voiced kind that’s practically a groan. “It’s just robots, dude, it’s not that serious.”

<Neon Genesis Evangelion is art, Marco,> Tobias said, ratcheting the pretension up to eleven. <It’s an exploration of how humanity would develop, given exposure to advanced alien technology in the face of an oncoming alien threat. And the only thing protecting humanity from annihilation is some teenagers with special powers. It’s like, relatable.>

“Wow,” Marco said sarcastically. “Never seen anything like that before.” That was basically the plot of Robotech mixed with Voltron, but boring.

Marco sat up on his elbows and narrowed his eyes. Ax tightened his tail ever so slightly around Marco’s leg, like he was trying to hold him back. Marco pulled his leg free. “That’s pretty funny, since how could you even have watched so much subbed anime when no one cared enough about you to buy you decent clothes or new shoes or Clearasil? Let alone to go out of their way to buy you anime, subtitled specifically, the way it’s intended, of course.”

Tobias stared at him. Ax stared at him. Hell, Shinji Ikari stared at him.

Marco couldn’t take even a minute of it. “Say something.”

Tobias opened his wings, fluttered to the edge of the scoop entrance, and flew away.

Ax was still looking at him with all four eyes. Marco squirmed, but he pressed his lips into a line and didn’t break eye contact.

<That was too far,> Ax said finally, his voice more gentle than Marco deserved. <Why did you react so forcefully?>

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Marco leaned around Ax, grabbed the remote, and changed the audio to English. “Let’s just watch this dumb robot show.”

#animorphs #axmarco #my fic #IS marco into anime?#cav answers asks

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hweianime · 7 years ago

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I would call this one: The Fairy Odd Curse

Ok OMG, I want a crack fic where it’s Voldemort who dies and wakes up to like a messed up fairy tale world. And like he’s the prince to Harry’s princess. So his hell is pretty much having to save Harry over and bloody over again. Sometimes he gets magic sometimes he doesn’t.

It’s great because he’s fucking Voldemort so obviously he didn’t read a lot of fairy tales as a kid and therefore has to stumble through most of them blindly. (BTW THIS COULD BE A SNARRY TOO *hint hint*)

Once upon a time, there were two souls connected by fate. An unfortunate connection really. One that could only end with the death of the other. But as a rather barmy old wizard once said, death is just the next great adventure.

Lord Voldemort wakes up in a field. It’s a very nice field all things considered. Soft green grass, daisies, the smell of fresh mildew. The Dark Lord blinks. Huh.

There was a lot of places he was sure he would go, but he was fairly positive heaven was not one of them.

He lifts himself up from where he had been lying and he realizes with a start that these were not the clothes he had been wearing in his death. They were certainly not the sort of clothes he would have wished to wear in the afterlife either, or any life really. Poofy sleeves, and gauche colors lines with gold. He looked like one of those outdated cartoon pictures of a prince.

Tentatively he mapped out his face with his hands, his normal skin colored healthy looking hands. He sighs a little in relief. Fuck, if there was one thing he had really regretted as Voldemort, it was that extra step that made him lose his nose in the process. And also his looks but he wasn’t that vain. It was just... nose.

Voldemort stares quietly at the rolling green hills, his body come to think of it, isn’t the only thing that’s reverted back to its prime. His mind too feels… clearer. Sharper.

Sane.

“Your highness!”

….What?

So the first story is Harry Potter and the Seven Weasleys. Lucius is the wicked stepmother and yes, Harry is fucking Snow White. Skin as white as snow, hair as black as coal and eyes as green as a killing curse.

“No.” Voldemort backed away from the sleeping young man. He looked at the hopeful and worried expressions of seven redheads with freckled faces. “No.” He repeated firmly. Some of the tiny Weasleys began sobbing. As if he cared about these blood traitors’ piddly arse feelings.

“Oy, you gotta your highness.” The youngest boy scowls, “Only true love’s kiss can save Harry now.”

“NO.”

He totally ends up kissing Harry. It’s super reluctant. As is the feelings that tingled in his chest when he does so. Harry opens his eyes and smiles, clearly doesn’t recognize who Voldemort/Riddle is. Voldemort gets kissed by Harry, he doesn’t know why he allows it. He brings Harry back to his kingdom but the moment he steps into the castle grounds the world shifts again and he ends up in another fairytale universe. Rinse and repeat.

EXAMPLES

- The Little Mermaid. Harry’s the little mermaid, Barty Crouch is the evil octopus one since like Polyjuice and such similarities, Flounder is Ron, Sebastian is Hermione cause Sebastian fucking has common sense. Dumbledore would be King Triton.

Prince Tom grits his teeth as this so-called Hariel fails to even understand the simple concept of a fork. He lives under the sea, not under a rock, the idea of spearing something down in a hunt should be something the younger man should be familiar enough with. How in Merlin would they be able to eat otherwise?

Even worse, he’s mute for some reason. Fuck. How does this story end again, for the life of the prince he just could not remember.

- Beauty and the beast- self-explanatory right? All of the talking furniture are Death Eaters. Though omg Lucius would be the candlestick and Severus would be Cogsworth and they all are pretty scared of him because Voldemort can do crucio and other spells. Voldemort at that time was pissed because he realized this cycle was probably not going to end anytime soon. LOCKHART IS GASTON.

“Aren’t you supposed to be interested in the library?” The Beast hisses grumpily. He hates this story. He hates it all the more because apparently, the world has seen fit to give him his previous snake-like appearance rather than go classic. His nose is gone again. Fuck, he hates everything.

Harry stares at the man incredulously, “Your brooms can fly.” He says slowly like Beast was the idiot. If The Beast wasn’t so fearful of the consequences, he would kill Potter right then and there. “Why would I immerse myself in books when I could bloody fly?!”

- Alice in Wonderland, with Tom being Alice, Walburga Black as the Queen of Hearts, Harry being the Mad Hatter or the White Rabbit. I don’t know I don’t remember how this movie went. But I know Tom would be infuriated.

- Peter Pan, but this time Harry is Peter, Ginny is Tinkerbell and Tom is Wendy. Wendy’s brothers can be Lucius and Malfoy I guess, I don’t know, maybe Tom just ditches the brothers. Snape is Captain Hook.

“Want to check out the mermaids?” Potter Pan asks with a friendly smile.

Tom shudders. “No.” He answers firmly. “No more mermaids for at least five more lifetimes.”

Potter Pan quirks a confused but bemused grin, “You’re strange. I like that.”

“Oh.. joy.”

- Mary Poppins where Harry is Harry Pottins. Tom would be the single father of Lucius and Snape. Tom tries to avoid Harry this time but ends up being sucked in to their misadventures despite himself. He also gets insanely annoyed at Sirius the chimney sweep for some reason.

- Enchanted. The prince is Lucius, Harry’s romantic but cynical best friend is Narcissa. Tom’s just grumpy at this point but fairly resigned. Doesn’t even care that he’s a muggle in this one.

- Harry is Rapunzel (Harunzel) and Dumbledore is Mother Gothel and it’s the Tangled version where the horse is Draco Malfoy and the chameleon is Ron. It’s the most Harry-esque character so far so Tom feels a little more heartened.

And then one day, as he makes his way again to save Harry from a tower for what felt like the hundredth time, Harry pops his head out of the open window, looks at him confusedly and says, “Riddle? What the fuck. Is this hell? It feels like hell.” And Tom almost cries because finally Harry has died and he’s no longer alone in this cruel and unusual torture.

+ Hercules

“Huh,” Tomcules mused as he looked at the monster he had defeated in a single hit. “I think I’m warming up to this one.”

“You would.” Megarry rolled his eyes before muttering under his breath, “At least everyone here is wearing a dress, not just me.”

+ Pocahontas

“You look…”

“What?” Harrihontas demanded, “Come on, say it, I know I certainly feel racist just looking at me.”

Captain Tom Smith shook his head, “Not that, it’s just,” He hesitated, “I forgot how well suited tanned skin looks on you.”

Harrihontas blinks, green eyes, it’s always green eyes, bright as the killing curse, light up in surprise. “Oh, thanks.”

They shuffle a bit, a little awkward before Hermione the hummingbird chirps impatiently. The green-eyed native of this unknown land claps his hands and grins as he grabs Tom’s arm, pulling him somewhere, “Well, I say we know each other well enough, now why don’t I show you the colors of the wind?”

+ The Nightmare before Christmas

“Okay, THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE IS THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE ONE EVER,” Harry screamed.

“Calm the fuck down Potter,” Tom tells him calmly as he watches the citizens of Halloween town sing the Halloween song. He’s not going to admit it out loud, lest Harry murder him or stuff someone else’s eyeballs into his empty sockets, but this world was rather fascinating. Plus, he was the best dressed he’s been in a long while. “You’ll tear out those pretty stitches of yours.”

+ Mulan

Where Tom is Chang, Harry is essentially Mulan except obviously the whole crossdressing thing isn’t happening. But, let’s be honest, everything would’ve pretty much happened regardless if Mulan got found out about her gender in the movie so whatever.

“Now this is fun!” Huran whooped as he kicked a hun off the tower.

Tang grunted as he sliced open another enemy, this was admittedly incredibly therapeutic. If only Dumbledore wasn’t the emperor though.

+ Aladdin is Tom, Jasmine is Harry, Hedwig is the fucking tiger, Snape is Jafar, Fudge is the Sultan and the twins are the Genies of the lamp. Because seeing Tom interact with the twins would probs be gold.

THEN THERE ARE MARVEL MOVIES WHICH ARE TECHNICALLY DISNEY

+ Iron Man

“How the fuck is this Disney?!” Tommy Riddle snarled as Harry stuck his hand into the hole in his chest.

Harry shuddered, the unforgiving metal and wires around his limb were warm, “Maybe they bought out another film company? You know, one about... uh... I’m sorry, am I doing this right?”

The billionaire waved his hand irritatedly, “You’re doing fine Potts, I, the man who just spent a decent time being tortured by terrorists, am not.” Tom slung his arm over his face. Harry would say he’s being dramatic again but he is sticking his fist into the guy’s chest so. “I cannot believe I’m missing those out of the blue musical numbers right now.”

“I did like the magic carpet ride.” Harry mused thoughtfully. Tom just groaned.

“I just, can’t we have one where we’re wizards again? One. Just one. I’ve given up on being a dark lord, hell, I think muggles are fairly alright now! Just let me be a wizard again.”

Harry pats the older man sympathetically, with the hand not in his chest, of course, that would’ve been weird otherwise. “Hey,” He says reassuringly, “We were in the Chinese army, I was once apparently a mermaid and you had a mansion filled with people we knew in the form of talking furniture. I’m sure we’ll eventually be wizards again.”

“Let’s bloody hope so.”

+ Stephan Strange

“Hey, you’re going to learn magic again.” Harry tries.

“THIS WASN’T WHAT I HAD IN MIND.” Dr. Riddle snarls as his hands shook harder than an earth tremor with a 9.5 magnitude. “FUCK. MY HANDS.”

So by then, Tom’s already like, half in love with Harry because of his previous princesses selves’ bravery and loyalty and surprising cunning but having the real Harry by his side is what eventually really seals the deal with him.

And so they do more Disney and even not so Disney adventures where sometimes they’ll play along or go out of their way to screw the whole movie over (mainly Tom who likes when Harry complains about ruining what little childhood he had left) until they both realise they’re stupidly in love with each other, confess it, kiss and break the curse. Cuz like, true love, bitch.

“We’re free, we’re finally free,” Tom says bewilderedly. They’re in the Forbidden Forest, he knows this. It haunts his dreams as well as his nightmares enough times. But that doesn’t matter as he watches Harry throw his head back and laugh freely, none of that tinkling bell sounds either, a proper young man’s laugh. Low and throaty and gorgeous.

The former Dark Lord, hero, prince, ogre, prince again and a hundred times more plus a billionaire playboy philanthropist and even the Sorcerer Supreme, felt himself smiling. His smile widens as Harry catches his expression and returns it toothily.

“It’s about bloody goddamn time,” Harry agrees, “What now Tom? Or is it Voldemort again?”

Tom waved off the last bit, “Just Tom, I think I’ve had enough fancy names to last a lifetime or thirty.” If anything, the younger man’s expression brightened at that, pleased at the answer.

“Okay Tom, what’s next for us?”

“Oh Harry, you idiot. Don’t you read fairytales?” The former Boy Who Lived, damsel in distress, princess, secretary, doctor and more, opened his mouth in protest. Unfortunately, or fortunately, nothing came out as Tom Marvolo Riddle leans in and kisses Harry James Potter. It’s not too steamy, not too chaste, something just right. A kiss fit for a princess you could say.

“Now,” Tom smiled against the kiss, “We have our happily ever after.”

Harry laughed delightedly again.

Once upon a time, there were two souls connected by fate. Separated by death. And resurrected by love. This is their story.

#abandoned plot #Tomarry #Harrymort #fanfic #fanfiction #harry potter #voldemort #harry potter slash fiction #slash #slash fic #fairy tales #snarry #snape #tom marvolo riddle #fic #lol #gayyyy

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samanthasroberts · 6 years ago

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7 Dumb Back To The Future Products You Won’t Believe Existed

A good 80 percent of Cracked’s content is devoted to peeling back the kaleidoscopic layers of WTF-ness contained within Back To The Future, but this article isn’t about that. Nope, this is about an even more ridiculous topic: the many confounding ways people tried to squeeze big bucks out of the Back To The Future flicks.

This ordinary tale of a time-travelling eccentric and his pet teenager has spawned such baffling shit as …

#7. The Back To The Future Cartoon Was A Fucking Crazy Parade

As we’ve mentioned before on the site, Doc Brown’s character-concluding decision to father children with a historically dead woman and blast through time in a screeching lightning train was reckless at best. And so it’s only natural that the 1991 Back To The Future TV show would follow the horrific mishaps of this family, sandwiched with live-action science demonstrations by Christopher Lloyd and an oddly mute Bill Nye.

They’re like the Penn and Teller of mad science.

But despite its audience of the young and curious, an average episode of Back To The Future: The Animated Series played out like Rick And Morty episodes Adult Swim rejected for being too bleak. Don’t believe us? The pilot for the series starts with Doc’s younger son Verne stealing the time machine and traveling to the Civil War … followed by Doc finding a photo revealing that little Verne died for the Confederate Army.

“But hey, it says here that the Alabama chapter of the KKK is named in his honor.”

Doc eventually prevents this by creating a truce between Verne’s Confederate pals and the Union, and the gang happily flies home like they didn’t just irrevocably alter the outcome of a Civil War battle. That’s basically the story of the series, as Doc, Marty, and Doc’s kids manhandle historical moments while Doc’s wife Clara waits back home with sandwiches.

In the third goddamn episode, Doc brings his kids to the very moment the dinosaurs are wiped out by a meteor, saving the group by hastily stopping the comet and changing the future into a lizard-ruled wasteland. (One of said lizards looks like Biff, implying that a Tannen once fucked a dinosaur.)

This means that Doc is forced to go back and kill the dinosaurs himself, re-altering his actions so that the meteor gets back on a collision course with Earth … but not before one of his kids befriends a scared pterodactyl. So how does Doc handle this unfortunate attachment? Obviously, the rest of the series would involve the group goofing around with their adopted dino friend. I mean, otherwise, he’d have to …

… tear his son from the sobbing grasp of a doomed animal …

… stuff him into the time machine and fly away …

This also serves as the official series finale for The Flintstones.

… and watch as the comet tears through the atmosphere and vaporizes the boy’s dinosaur pal. That’s seriously what happens in the special “watch all the dinosaurs die” episode of this nightmare series. Happy Saturday morning, assholes!

#6. A Japanese Video Game Made BTTF 2 Into Crazy-Ass Anime

Anyone who played the early Back To The Future Nintendo games knows that whoever made them clearly didn’t bother to see the movies. Either that, or Back To The Future Part III cut a scene in which Marty ingests a crazy amount of peyote and starts seeing mutant cow men everywhere.

Presumably named “Beef Tannen.”

The Japan-only Back To The Future Part II Super Famicom game, on the other hand, tried to follow the plot of movie … and somehow ended up being even weirder. You control Marty, who spends the entire time on his hoverboard — because, realistically speaking, if you owned a hoverboard, why the fuck would you ever not be flying around on it?

The game starts on a grimly prescient note, with trigger-happy 2015 cops shooting at Marty for no apparent reason.

When we reach the alternate 1985, Marty goes around fighting disoriented crackheads, mistaking their agonized gasps for taunting chicken noises. Marty then discovers his murdered father’s tombstone, and he … seems pretty copacetic with this development, all things considered.

Doc, on the other hand, turns into an angry pink Gollum.

If you’ve ever wanted to see these iconic moments reimagined as demented Sailor Moon episodes, you’re in luck. When Marty discovers the 1950s girlie mag instead of the sports almanac, the mere sight of boobs gives him a stroke.

Which is weird, because this is after meeting his mother’s gargantuan dystopian breasts. Marty’s perma-smirk in that scene is somehow even creepier than when he was standing at his dead dad’s grave.

Also, why are they in the Technodrome?

By the time Biff seemingly vampire-bites the almanac away from Marty and gets covered in a sea of 16-bit horseshit, you’ll probably never see Back To The Future the same way ever again.

“I won’t close my mouth. I deserve this.”

And speaking of which …

#5. A Hot Wheels Biff Car … Complete With Manure

There aren’t a ton of Back To The Future toys, but the ones that do exist are mostly DeLorean-based. There’s a DeLorean Lego set, a remote-control DeLorean, and even a Power-Wheels-esque DeLorean for ’80s kids whose parents wanted them to explore their confused Oedipal feelings outside the house.

Sadly, this kid was easily taken out by Libyan terrorists.

So it’s only natural that the DeLorean be adopted by stalwart toy car company Hot Wheels. Recently, the company decided to expand their Back To The Future line to include not only Doc’s DeLorean …

Oh, sorry. Doc’s “Time Machine of Indeterminate Brand.”

And Marty’s sweet 4×4 …

“Complete with two coats of wax and Fat Biff’s tears!”

And even Biff Tannen’s Ford Super Deluxe Converti– oh, shit.

You can get a non-poopy version for an extra $300.

Yes, they produced a beautiful classic automobile overflowing with rancid manure, as seen in that scene and that other scene and that variation of the scene. It looks like an amusing Internet Photoshop job, but it’s a real toy which you could go buy right now … or, you know, make at home yourself with a toy car and some laxatives.

Couldn’t Hot Wheels have mass-produced Doc’s hover-train? Or one of those kickass police cars from 2015? Nope. Instead, we get the shit-encrusted rapemobile. Think of all the ways kids could play with this. “Oh no, Biff’s car got covered in manure … again …” Assuming your kid even knows what Back To The Future is, how are they supposed to integrate Biff’s car with their other Hot Wheels products?

“Yes! The race is delayed due to track turds!”

#4. ZZ Top Turns All The Characters Into Ogling Creeps

Along with “The Power of Love,” Huey Lewis and the News wrote “Back In Time,” the surprisingly engaged recounting of the events of Back To The Future from Marty’s perspective. Sadly, we were less lucky with ZZ Top’s “Doubleback,” a jabbering spray of temporally-themed rhymes in no way related to the third film.

The one band you’d think you could trust to hitch their beer-drinking, hell-raising wagon to Wake-Up Juice, but noooooo.

Now, “Doubleback” is a fucking abomination, an artistic charley horse clearly farted out 12 minutes from the studio call time. But then there’s the music video, which superimposes the band into random clips from the movie in such a disjointed, cookie cutter way that it comes alive like a serial killer’s scrapbook.

GOOF: ZZ Top were only teenagers in 1885, so they shouldn’t have beards yet.

It’s everyone’s third-favorite time travel movie, perpetually interrupted with the looming presence of three guys who look like the personification of bathroom assault. By the end, they’re literally sticking their faces over the action so that we don’t forget to be bummed out by their existence.

We’re all for them supplanting Marty’s mom in this scene to make it less creepy, though.

But the weird stuff begins when this monochromatic onslaught changes the movie’s finale to include a pimped-out ride randomly rolling into Marty’s standoff with Mad Dog Tannen …

… and releasing three jean-short bombshells of various ’90s fabric patterns and foxy accessories, to which the movie’s characters react with stock disbelief appropriated from the original scene.

OK, we have to admit that these guys clean up nicely when they shave.

That’s right — Doc reacting to Marty’s fakeout death is the same expression as his boner face. Or maybe he’s wondering how a Cadillac Sedanette went back in time without a bunch of nonsense sticking out of its hood. Either way: boner.

#3. Pizza Hut’s Back To The Future Ads Are Rather Sad In Retrospect

Having the ability to engorge on a puck of meat and cheese has been every child’s dream since Marty’s mom hydrated a Pizza Hut pizza in Back To The Future II.

The most fantastic concept here is a 2015 pizza without a gimmicky crust.

So delicious. At least, if you ignore the fact that eating a waterlogged dough slice sounds like a fucking nightmare, and that the Pizza Hut of this future solely makes the equivalent of microwave meals. In fairness, the brand’s own advertising campaign had a slightly different take on their role in the future:

Their kinder, gentler take on Robocop was probably their lamest (and most inaccurate) prediction of all.

According to one 1989 commercial, the Pizza Huts of 2015 are built like techno mosques. It makes sense in the context of the ad, which begins with two unknown ruffians taking the DeLorean out for a spin, presumably after swiping the keys from Doc Brown’s ransacked corpse.

To save you 15 minutes on IMDb: It’s Mikey from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

The ne’er-do-wells zoom to 2015, where, to the sad grumbles of their stomachs, they find the streets barren of any pizza eateries, as Domino’s has long been converted into a hardware chain. Luckily, there’s still one place in business, and it’s the all-hail Pizza Hut temple.

The Noid was executed after a show trial in ’94.

It’s unclear why a restaurant that makes cookie-sized products needs multiple neon spires, but it probably has to do with the announcer’s assertion that, even in the future, Pizza Hut is the “only one place to get a great pizza.” The fact that Pizza Hut was envisioning an all-exclusive Demolition Man scenario with their brand is made that much more heartbreaking by the company’s actual 2015 situation:

Also depressing: the current state of journalism, since no one realized this graphic should be a pie chart.

Turns out that all the movie projector pizza boxes and eye-tracking tablet menus in the world can’t get us to that Utopian Italian palace where dressing like it’s the ’80s is still hip and (according to another tie-in ad) absolutely everyone wears futuristic solar shades.

The nuclear fallout has melted all of our eyes by now.

#2. Doc Brown Teamed Up With Doogie Howser For Earth Day

Back in 1990, people were really committed to saving the environment … as long as the extent of that commitment was appearing in some kind of extravagant TV special instead of cutting back on fossil fuels. Regardless, this newly-discovered sense of eco-awareness led to one of the craziest moments in pop culture: The Earth Day Special.

The special starred a slew of wacky creatures, like the Muppets and Danny DeVito and E.T., who looks to have been living in a filthy alley since the events of his film.

He’ll touch you with his “magic finger” for $5 and some Reese’s Pieces.

Since this was the year that Back To The Future Part III came out, Doc Brown naturally joined the cross-promotional fray. Who better to promote environmental activism than a guy who hoards large quantities of plutonium in a garage in a residential neighborhood?

The loose plot of the special is about the personification of Mother Earth dying. Doc Brown shows up in his DeLorean and offers his assistance to the doctor in charge of healing Mrs. Earth — who, because this was 1990, is Doogie Fucking Howser.

“Not even Edward James Olmos’ mustache could revive her.” “We’re doomed.”

Doc whips out his suitcase TV and shows them footage of how screwed over the Earth is, which is kind of a dick move, considering how she’s right over there. It doesn’t help that the clips are seemingly stock footage pretentiously edited together by first-year film students.

“What are those ladies doing with that cup …?” “Whoops, wrong year.”

As always, Doc ends up finding the solution: science! Not any specific science but, like, the act of reading and shit. Look, it was 6 a.m. and someone wanted to finish that goddamn children’s TV show script already.

#1. The Back To The Future Novelization Gets Dark

Movie novelizations are generally terrible, but the one for Back To The Future takes it to a whole new level. It’s the Back To The Future of bad literary cash-ins.

“What do you mean it’s not about a kid with a camera who farts fireworks?” — the author, probably

The book opens with a vivid description of a dead family getting bent out of shape by the detonation of a nuclear bomb, which turns out to be a scene from a film Marty is watching. This never comes up again in the book — because the author is too busy thinking up even crazier, tangentially BTTF-related shit. For instance, we get a scene featuring the Libyan terrorists casually hanging out in a shitty motel, which answers the question you always had: Yes, one of them is a psychotic former fashion model.

You can only be told to look “sexy like tiger” so many times before something inside snaps.

And she doesn’t mind offing Doc Brown because he … “looks Jewish.”

Doc goes commando in his jumpsuits in this version.

Even when it’s a scene we recognize from the movie, the author’s prose manages to make everything seem a tiny bit seedier:

Not that “Let’s hire your attempted rapist as our live-in manservant” is any less creepy.

The novel also features the most disturbing context for the phrase “giggled naughtily” in all of fiction:

A parent’s naughty giggling is typically reason #1 Protective Services gives when taking away their child.

The whole book is so bizarre and creepy that it wouldn’t be surprising to learn that it was imported from the shitty alternate 1985. And we’re only scratching the surface here. A whole other book could be written just pointing out all the fucked up moments, page by page. Did we say “could”? We meant “someone on the Internet did exactly that.”

Source: http://allofbeer.com/7-dumb-back-to-the-future-products-you-wont-believe-existed/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/11/7-dumb-back-to-the-future-products-you-wont-believe-existed/

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adambstingus · 6 years ago