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erodasfishtacos · 3 years ago

Text

~ MLB Curious Gazes ~

prompt: four different situations where people have run into or hung out with MLB!H - told from their perspective.

word: 6k +

warnings: language, mentions of sexual content

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The Doctor’s Office

Aubrey couldn’t believe her eyes as she sat in her uncomfortable, too small chair in the empty waiting room at the OBGYN office in the early hours of the morning.

She was sitting alone with her baby boy sitting in his carrier on the floor - it was his nine month checkup and it was taking forever to be seen.

The woman was sitting, scrolling on her phone when out of her peripheral she saw an extremely - like extremely handsome man step into the area with a carrier.

Aubrey was a married woman but holy shit this guy was hot- without even trying is the thing.

He had on a New York Yankees Nike hoodie and a pair of Nike athletic shorts with some calf length Blake Nike socks and trainers.

In the carrier was a fresh little baby, couldn’t be older than three months who was bundled up with a sunflower headband on.

The man was multitasking with a curly haired toddler on his other hip as he finds a seat a little bit down from Aubrey on the opposite side.

His wife was standing up at the check-in and of course it made sense that she was absolutely beautiful as well even though Aubrey could relate to how tired she looked.

The woman still had a small bit of her pregnancy bump left signifying that the baby was indeed very very new to the world.

She keeps glancing over at the man, he looks so familiar but she would remember if she had even met someone that handsome.

Then the context clues hit her, his hoodie, his toddler son was also in a little Yankees hoodie that matched his fathers and Aubrey googled quickly.

Her eyes flitted throughout the recent articles.

Styles’ Alleged $65 Million Dollar Bonus

Hot Head Harry Styles - how he managed to start three bench clearing brawls in one game!

Breaking Records and Bats - Styles manages to break his own record in the same season followed by breaking a bat in celebration

Holy shit.

She could help but watch them - this was much more interesting than reading a magazine.

Aubrey didn’t follow baseball but Harry had turned celebrity status and was this well known cocky dickhead to the media - women and men loved and drooled over him for his looks and his skills.

Right now, he sat down with his two babies - the boy looked exactly like Harry, it was quite unbelievable from the curly locks to mossy green eyes that was copy and paste.

Harry was currently tucking an applesauce pouch between his lips and guiding the boy's small hands to hold it for himself.

“Good job, ,” He murmurs in the dead quiet waiting room as he tucks him further into the crook of his arm.

Harry looks up to his wife who joins them, she is a bit in awe when Aubrey sees him palm a bit at her bloated belly and whisper, “Y’look gorgeous today, mama.”

Aubrey couldn’t help but frown, she wished her husband did that.

YN sits down, leaning her head on his shoulder - Aubrey didn’t know her but she seems tired - of course she was a new mother.

The silence is broken when a nurse comes out and with an apologetic face says, “I’m sorry, we are running really behind today. It might be another thirty minutes,” before shutting the door again.

Harry kisses his wife’s forehead before wrapping his unoccupied arm around her shoulder, a flashing gold band on his ring finger.

Aubrey zones off for a little when her son wakes up, rocking the carrier a few times before he settles again.

She’s brought back to the couple when she hears a sniffle comes from Harry’s wife and his face turned towards hers, hand rubbing her shoulder reassuringly.

“Mama, she’s so healthy. There’s nothin’ to worry about, did a perfect job growing her in y’belly. I know these check-ups make you anxious but nothin’ is gonna be wrong,” He soothes, a near whisper because of how quiet the room is and he didn’t want to disrupt.

“I just don’t know if she’s been getting enough milk, it’s so hard to tell,” YN replies sadly, like she’s disappointed in herself.

“Y’kidding me? She’s our chunkiest baby - look at those little rolls. She’s on y’tits more than any of the boys including me,” He jokes softly, obviously trying to make her feel better.

It seems to work a little bit because she lets out a light giggle with a roll of her eyes, “No one is on them more than you.”

Harry shrugs unashamed before replying seriously, “Everything will be okay. She’s perfect and healthy.”

The curly haired little boy gets a bit squirmy with the wait after he finished his pouch, asking to be set down which his father does.

Harry is watching him carefully, his nervous but still adventurous little two and a half year old, as he toddles around the waiting room.

When he spots Aubrey and her carrier, he wanders over looking up her with wide curious eyes, he points at her son and squeaks, “Baby?”

Ever the diligent father, Harry is up and next to his son, Aubrey is a bit starstruck if she’s honest when he talks to her.

“M’sorry, he’s a curious little one,” Harry smiles at her, going to pick Ezra back up to guide him away from bothering her.

Aubrey waves her hand though, lifting the visor to show the sleeping baby, “Yeah, he’s a baby. That’s Dominic.”

The boy gazes at the baby before lisping, “Bry!”

Aubrey isn’t sure what he means but his father clarifies, “You’re right, Dominic is a baby just like your little sister Briar.”

“Okay,” Ezra shrugs and goes back to his mom to inform him of what he just discovered before crawling up and cuddling into her chest.

Harry nods, “Thanks for indulging him.”

“No pro-problem,” She stutters like an idiot and Harry smiles a bit like he knows but doesn’t say anything else before going back to his family.

A few minutes later when a high-pitched cry resounds through the room, Harry is carefully cradling his daughter who Aubrey notes looks nothing like him but like her mother even though her features were still so little.

“Shush, darlin’,” Harry coos with a soft drawl, leaning in to kiss at the newborn’s button nose.

Briar roots at her father’s chest, smacking her plump lips, and squeaking in frustration when she doesn’t find a nipple. It makes Harry chuckle before he glances at his wife and his smile falters a bit, “Sweetheart, did y’bring a bottle?”

Aubrey watches his wife shake her head, she is facing away from her so she can’t see her expression but gauging Harry’s it seems that she may be upset, “No, I completely forgot. I didn’t bring my nursing blanket either - I’m going to have to go the bathroom. M’being such a bad mom.”

The observer feels a pang in her chest, she can definitely relate to not always feeling like she is a good mother because of little mistakes she makes like forgetting diapers, buying the wrong formula, forgetting to bring a pacifier.

“Hey,” Harry’s voice is firm, “Y’not going to talk like that when s’the farthest thing from the truth. S’okay, we have four babies, we’re both goin’ t’forget things sometimes, okay? Here, let me help you.”

Aubrey wishes she had a husband who was as empowering, supportive of his wife.

He hands the whimpering baby over to his wife, he’s then tugging off his hoodie. Aubrey tries but fails to divert her eyes when his shirt rides up revealing a glimpse of his taut abdomen and a light dusting of hair leading into his shorts, obscene tattoos covering his hipbones .

Harry maneuvers the hoodie over his wife’s shoulder, helping her tug down her loose shirt and nursing bra, and guiding his newborn to his wife’s breast until she latches and starts suckling hungrily.

“There y’go mama,” He whispers encouragingly before tugging Ezra back onto his lap to rock him a bit as he’s getting whiny - ready for a nap soon and not liking being in an unfamiliar place for too long.

Aubrey is buckling Dominic into his carseat when she spots the other family exiting the office.

Harry’s wife looks much more relaxed, a smile on her face, and her arm tucked around her husband’s narrow hip, they’re parked close to each other, and Aubrey climbs into her small sedan - blasting the aircon.

She watches the parents strapp their kids into a massive, tinted and brand new cadillac escalade that was no doubt over a hundred thousand dollar car but who could expect them to be driving around a mid-level minivan?

After the kids are secured and they close the doors, Harry presses his wife up against it with his arm resting over her shoulder against the window. He is whispering to her, their mouths close before he ducks down to connect their lips.

His hand comes back to her deflating baby bump like he did in the doctor’s office, hand massaging the skin with adoration that was visible even to Aubrey as she sat in her car watching them.

Later on in the week, as she sits on her couch, a video pops up on her timeline. It’s a sports report she was about to skip until the name caught her attention.

The sports reporter stated, “Harry Styles was fined an alleged sixty thousand dollars at last night’s game after getting into a verbal altercation when the second base man purposely tripped him.”

It flashes to the man she just saw in the doctor’s office in a form-fitting Yankee’s blue and white striped uniform with a helmet on as he ran at an impressive speed from first to second, stumbling when the baseman put out his foot.

Harry recovers quickly enough to touch the base to be considered safe.

After that though, he’s pushing himself up and brushing off the dirt, then he’s charging towards the man who fucked up the play.

He has no fear as he gets in the man’s face, veins on his neck standing out as he shouts. They don’t play the audio but you could tell Harry was cussing this man up and down.

It flashed back to the reporter speaking to another, “Nearly every team in the league reports that Styles is an absolute nightmare to play against from his skill to his downright arrogant and cocky attitude. He’s not someone I’d find myself wanting to hang around.”

“I agree with you there, Tucker. He has a right to be proud with all of his broken records and achievements but being a bit humble would do this man so good. I feel sorry for his wife and kids. He probably just spends all day bragging about himself.”

Aubrey clicks off the video, if only everyone in the world just saw the Harry Styles she saw just a few days ago - well they’d all change their minds on what kind of person he is. Especially what kind of husband and father.

The Charity Event

It was a charity event at Madison Square Garden in Time Square.

It was for all Major League Baseball teams who had qualified for the playoffs and of course, The New York Yankees were there.

There were tables filling the whole stadium, extravagant in white linen tablecloths, multiple bars, and it was black tie dress code.

It was a private event and it was not open to the public but after the dinner there would be awards given out and that would be broadcasted.

Nicole was there with her husband, Trent, the left outfielder with an average batting score. He wasn’t the most popular on the team by far - well everyone got outshined by Styles.

She couldn’t help but be a little bitter that Harry had gotten a $60 million dollar bonus (the biggest bonus ever gifted but also the Yankees were not taking any chances at losing their star and their ultimate money-maker). Trent got a measly bonus of $100,000 which was nothing in baseball terms.

The wives and girlfriends of the Yankees players did not like YN one bit. It really wasn’t fair because she was always lovely, kind, and friendly. It didn’t matter because they were all spurred on by jealousy of what she had.

Nicole couldn’t help by gaze at Harry as they sat at the same circle table towards the podium where the awards would be presented after dinner. He was in a sharp all black suit with a small team logo pin of the lapel.

She couldn’t deny how stunning YN looked in an absolutely stunning dress. It was a one-shoulder with sparkling black stripes against a tan background, it fit like a glove and accentuated her stunning legs with a high slit. ***

It blew Nicole’s basic black Gucci dress out of the water which made her even more infuriated at the woman. She knew she was being irrational and if she hated her so much, why couldn’t see stop staring at the couple?

Nicole could get away with it by looking past them at other tables but to be quite honest, the two were much too wrapped up in each other to be aware of any of their surroundings or people watching them.

Trent was off bullshitting with all the other players while the Styles’ sat at the table and Harry waited for people to approach him - like the cocky asshole that he was. He would give them a minute of his time before becoming visibly bored and returning his attention back to his wife.

As the appetizers arrived, Trent finally sat down with a grunt, giving his wife literally no attention as he dug into the salad like a slob.

Across the table, Harry looked down at his plate, picked out all the tomatoes and stabbed them with his fork. He then brought his hand over to his wife who giggled and let him feed her the three little tomatoes for his salad.

“Don’t like tomatoes, Styles?” Henry, third-baseman, jokes as he watches him feed his wife without any shame.

“I love ‘em, m’missus just really like the little grape ones,” Harry shrugs casually - like that didn’t just sound like the most whipped thing that he could say.

Trent probably couldn’t even guess Nicole’s favorite color - let alone know something so minuscule like YN like the little tomatoes that come on house salads.

Throughout the whole dinner, it was quite disgusting how infatuated these two were with each other - Harry had at least one hand on her body at one time - her thigh, shoulder, even cupping her neck in a way that was almost too intimate for the setting.

At one point, Harry notices that YN is a bit quiet - sipping on her glass of water and he pulls back from the conversation, murmuring, “Y’alright, mama?”

Nicole bites her lip hard at the cute pet name, feeling even more dislike towards YN - why couldn’t she have had someone like Harry?

“D’you think the babies are okay? Ezra’s been so anxious lately,” YN replies quietly, there were no phones allowed at the event and had to be left at home or at the door.

Harry kisses her temple, “Y’know Ezzie is good with m’mum, doesn’t get as anxious as he used to at sleepovers. Y’know East and Cash are probably on a sugar high.”

YN nods, agreeing and Harry jumps right back into the conversation but she notices that he keeps looking over at his wife to check on her.

Trent accidentally knocks her elbow hard and just grunts out a bland, “Sorry.”

The topic changed to traveling for games. Ellie, another wife of a player who was nice to YN were chatting about how stressful it is.

“I know, loading all three boys up is rough when we do decide to travel to games with H,” YN says to Ellie, a small smile on her face.

“Ugh, I know. Lily and Parker are the worst flyers! They usually end up throwing up or not being able to nap at all,” Ellie groans about her two little ones she has back at home.

YN let’s out a laugh that just irked Nicole to not end.

“It's going to be even harder when we have more kids,” YN laments like she’s bothered.

“Oh? More kids?” Ellie squeaks with excitement, clapping her hands together.

Nicole reaches a breaking point, jumping into the chat,“Really? More kids? Don’t you think you should focus on the ones you have? Or do you think because your husband makes an unfair amount of money, you can just have as many as you want? Hire nannies and act like you take care of them?”

Before YN frowns, about to respond when Harry interjects with a booming, displeased voice, “First off, why don’t y’mind your own fuckin’ business. My wife and I can ‘ave any many kids as we want, last time I checked.”

He continues with tense posture, all of his previous calmness disappears, “Second off, don’t take it out on my wife tha’ your husband got a shit bonus, we all know tha’ why y’pissy. And don’t act like y’dont have a nanny for your one kid while we don’t nor ever will have one.”

Nicole sneers, “You’re a cocky bastard.”

Harry smiles in faux charm, “Of course I am, dear. I’ve got a fucking beautiful wife, three healthy babies, the most records broken in history, and the fattest bank account in this room.”

“Alright, alright,” Trent interrupts and it doesn’t go unnoticed that he doesn’t defend his wife. Instead he shoots Harry an apologetic look for his wife’s behaviors.

Harry just scoffs at the couple, rudely rolling his eyes, and tugging his wife in for a kiss that’s a bit too intense but he can’t help himself, smiles against her lips when his wife pinches his thigh playfully.

He says (not quietly at all), “All these women are jealous of you, hm? S’cause you’re so beautiful and such a fuckin’ catch.”

Nicole feel a sharp pang in her chest at the indirect comment - fucking asshole.

Deep down, Nicole is unfavorably realizing that somehow YN has it all - a loving husband, who is seemingly head over heels four her, three well-behaved children, and everything she could ever want - sitting on Harry’s $600 million dollar net worth, on top of being gorgeous.

She didn’t have that. Trent and her were on the rocks constantly, has definitely cheated on her, their kid is a literal nightmare, and they’re both so reckless with money they have no savings.

It made her jealous to see Harry whispering in YN ear to make her giggle- lips brushing her ear, his hand splayed across her bumcheek while they waited for drinks at the bar, she even hears them murmur ‘I love yous’ at least twice.

Then the lights dim, spotlight on a podium in the front of the room, an older man in a crisp navy suit taking the stage.

“It is an honor for me to announce ‘Player of the Year.’ The decision by the board of Major League Baseball wasn’t a hard one. The statistics and records broke continuously by the man has led us to only one option.”

Everyone watches all the other players in room deflate a bit because they realize the award is going to Harry yet again.

“He is again breaking a record tonight, he is the first player to earn this achievement four years in a row. The duality of this man when it comes to pitching a curveball or hitting a homer is truly remarkable.”

It makes all the players even more irritated than they already are when they look over at Harry who’s sitting back, manspreading, hand on the back of his wife’s neck gently, and a cocky, unbothered grin.

Like this award wasn’t the biggest accomplishment he could earn.

One of the players from an opposing team at a different table mutters to one of his teammates, “Fucking arrogant asshole. The only thing this award does is feed his gigantic ego.”

“Such a douchebag,” The other agrees, jealousy tinges his voice.

“I’ve most likely made it obvious who the the recipient is this year. The New York Yankees pitcher with the most strikeouts to date and top-scoring hitter - Mr. Harry Styles!”

The crowd erupts in applause, whistles, and a standing ovation because despite his unsavory demeanor - no one could deny he was a legend.

Before he gets up, Nicole watches as he cups his wife’s cheek - locking her lips in a kiss before she has to give him a playful shove when he tries to slip some tongue.

When Harry gets up to the stage, he shakes the hand of the announcer and takes the award from him, setting it on the podium.

“Fourth year in a row has a nice ring to it,” Harry gives the crowd a dazzling white smile that have his dimples digging into his cheek.

The crowd whistles and coos.

Nicole notices YN getting teary-eyed as she watches her husband accept the award.

“I want t’thank a few people tonight. I want t’thank m’wife and the mama of my babies - YN. She’s supported me from when I was in college with no other career path but baseball, unsure of if I’d fail or not, she stuck through it.”

She can sense everyone’s eyes dart over to YN who is still staring up at her husband - who is giving her a gleaming smile right back.

“We’ve been through some really hard obstacles in our first years as a couple but she’s the reason for all this - the fact that she always believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.”

The audience is respectful, quiet as he publicly tells a story of his deep love for his wife.

“I want t’thank m’three babies. Easton, Cash, and Ezra. They inspire me to be a better better man and a good role model - even though I think y’all agree they won’t be if they watch too much how I play when I’m out in the field.”

The crowd erupts in laughter at Harry poking fun at his own antics that he’s most famous for. He goes on to thank the team, coaches, Nike, everyone on the professional side of career.

When he’s done, everyone stands back up to congratulate him, patting him on the back as he returns to his seat.

Nicole watches as Harry sits back down, chuckling as he swipes a tear off his wife’s cheek, “Why y’crying, mama?”

“I’m just so proud of you. Everything you do for me and our babies. The best husband, best daddy. My heart is just full,” She murmurs, clearly not meant for others to hear but Nicole was eavesdropping.

Harry’s eyes darken with something Nicole can’t identify but does notice his hand creeping a bit further up her thigh.

He leans into whisper something into her ear before she sees his lightly nip at her lobe before pulling back to join into the conversation.

After the lights come back up, Trent abandons her to go shoot the shit with other guys.

When she trails off to the bathroom, down a long hallway from the main area - she hears a rustling from behind a door labeled with a plaque that says ‘executive meeting room’.

Nicole pauses confused, all these offices and other rooms were strictly off limits during events obviously. She was confused to hear someone in a room that was not supposed to be in use.

Then she realizes it’s not just someone - it’s two people.

“S’good, sweetheart. Give it t’me so good.”

And she knows right then and there all she needs to know about who’s in that conference room and what they were doing.

“Be quiet, you’re being too loud,” YN scolds back, the walls were clearly thin because she could hear the exchange.

“Make y’cunt not feel like heaven then,” He remarks back, his voice slower and more soft than it would be in front of people.

God, Trent and her haven’t slept together in ages - let alone has spontaneous hookups or dirty talk like that ever.

When they all end up back at the table before the closing speech for the night, Nicole spots a nicely sized mark under Harry’s jaw that he’s wearing with pride.

YN had her lipstick wiped off and was much more clingy as the night rolled on which Harry seemed to thrive on.

As she and Trent are on their way home, Nicole speaks into their silence, “I don’t think our relationship is working.”

Not after she saw love and happiness at that event table tonight - she wanted that kind of love not settling for some cheating asshole.

The Little League Game

It was a cool autumn evening, it was an important game - if you could call it that for the little league team that Kayla had her son on.

The goal was to determine which team would move onto the playoffs, even though most of this was all in good fun because it was for eight-year-olds and it wasn’t serious.

Kayla couldn’t lie and say that she didn’t spend some of the time curiously gazing at the New York Yankees player who would come to watch his son play.

He wasn’t at every game due to his schedule but it seemed like he came to whatever ones he could with his wife and other three kids.

They had taken the bench on the bleachers right below her so she had an up close and personal view of the family when they’ve never sat this close before.

As the kids warmed up, Harry had his youngest son who looked to be about four sit next to him, squished between his dad and mom happily.

Their middle son was next to his mom on the other side, looking to be about six, and he was wriggling impatiently in his seat - eager to join the other kids in the jungle gym.

The baby girl who looked about a year and a half old didn’t look anything like her brothers - it was obvious that she was a spitting image of her mother (who was stunning).

She was curled up in her mom’s lap, asleep with her face squished against her mother’s chest - a pacifier suckling fiercely between her puffy lips.

“Mama, please,” The curly haired boy begs with greedy puppy dog eyes as he keeps glancing back to look at the other kids.

“You stay right where daddy and I can see you, yes?” YN murmurs, brushing back his unruly curls that where getting long, “And what are our rules?”

“Stay where you can see, don’t talk to strangers, and be nice to others,” He recites perfectly, Kayla was a bit blown away by his manners.

She watches baseball. It was hard to believe their children were so mild mannered when their father was the exact opposite - at least on the field.

Harry was rustling in the diaper bag for something as his son looked at him with wide, concerned eyes, “My baby, daddy.”

“I know, Ezzie. M’lookin’ f’your baby,” His father replies softly, the polar extreme of his normal brash, crude language that had a nasty tone like he couldn’t bother giving people the time of day.

“Daddy, please,” The youngest whines, his little hand grasping at his father’s tattooed wrist as he gets to his knees to help his dad look.

“Left inner pocket,” YN murmurs offhandedly as she makes sure Cash gets to the playground safely with his friends.

“Say ‘thanks mama’,” Harry coos to his son as he manages to tug out the baby doll and hand it to the awaiting little boy.

“Thanks mama,” He replies instantly with a gapped smile as he nuzzles right back into his father’s side as if he can’t get close enough.

“How are you feeling, Ezra?” His mother leans over to ask, keeping the baby close to her chest.

“M’happy, mama,” Ezra replies simply before starting to babble to himself as he plays with the babydoll.

Kayla watches Harry and YN swap a fond look at their son but she couldn’t help but wonder why they asked him that? He seemed fine so why did they feel the need to do that?

The game is going okay, Harry stands up to cheer and whistle when Easton hits a two-base hit but YN smacks his thigh and motions to their sleeping baby.

He looks at her sheepishly before sitting back down, kissing her cheek in apology, and peeking down into the fleece blanket to watch his daughter sleep for a moment.

Then it seems like Easton starts to lose momentum after he pitches two home-runs, his face pinched in disappointment as the other team scores but Harry is attempting to keep him motivated with encouraging shouts.

Easton struggles from then on, he strikes out for his final three turns, doesn’t catch two pop-ups, and his pitches start to get a little shaky. It’s obvious in his facial expression he’s getting upset because he’s breathing heavier like he’s trying not to cry.

Kayla feels a sense of dread for the little boy, his father who’s the best baseball player in modern day history is watching his son not do well during an important game.

Because of what she knows of him from his temper and attitude on the field - she worries that he’s one of those father’s who will hound their kid for doing poorly.

“Oh, c’mon East,” Harry murmurs softly when his son stumbles over a ground ball before another kid picks it up and throws it in - their son smacking his glove down against the ground in frustration.

“He’s getting himself worked up,” YN notes as she watches her oldest kick his cleats in the dirt with a quivering bottom lip.

“I know,” Harry replies to his wife, “Wish he wouldn’t, he’s gettin’ upset out there, I can tell.”

“Sad?” Ezra squeaks, clambering onto his father’s lap and stating, “Hold me, daddy.”

Harry obliges easily, gathering up his small son before his attention is directed back onto the game - it was down to the last few minutes and unfortunately Easton pitched a ball that resulted in a home run for the other team.

“Fuck,” Harry mutters, running a hand through his messy locks before he’s setting Ezra back down on the bleachers, “I’m going to go talk to him. Do you want to meet back home?”

YN nods, leaning down to tuck the baby into the double stroller before buckling Ezra in as well, “I’m going to go get Cash and head out. Why don’t you take him out for some ice cream? I love you.”

“I love you too, mama,” He replies, kissing her softly before kissing both of his kids foreheads and stepping down the bleachers - ignoring all the adults who are staring at him with a starstruck expression as he heads to the dugout.

It cleared out fast, nobody sticking around after the loss that ended with them not continuing on to the championship, and Easton was sat on the bench - he was stoic and there was a hard, angry expression on his face that reminded Kayla of what she saw Harry look like when he played.

As she gathers up her son and makes sure he’s got all of his equipment, Kayla stands and chats to a few of the moms before she’s heading to her car - which happened to be parked next to a sleek Masserati crossover, who would let their muddy kid go in there? Rich people, she guesses.***

Kayla pops the trunk to her van with her key as they get closer, she notices that Harry also has his up and Easton is sitting on the tailgate with his eyes looking down at the pavement. She tries not to appear as nosey or eavesdropping as she tucks her items into the back.

“Sweetheart, s’okay. Y’did so so good tonight,” Harry assures his pouty son, he squats down to start to untie his son’s nike cleats but continues to make eye contact with him.

“No, I didn’t, Daddy!” Easton whines, tears finally starting to bubble over the surface as he begins to sob with a shuddering chest, “I gave up home runs and then I missed ground balls!”

“Whoa, bubby,” Harry simpers after he tugs off the shoes and throws them carelessly into the back before standing up, “Y’did amazing, are you kiddin’? You did three innings of strikeouts, hit two of y’own homeruns. Y’played like a professional, way better than daddy.”

Kayla’s heart aches a bit when she sees Harry sit down next to him before hugging him harshly into his side, thumbing at the tears that are running down his son’s sweaty cheeks with soft reassurances.

“Daddy, are you mad I didn’t win?” Easton asks shakily, keeping his head buried into his father’s side and his small hand clutching into the fabric of his hoodie.

Harry chuckles lowly, “Daddy would never be mad at you f’anythin’, definitely not a baseball game. Remember what mama and I said? If at any point y’want to stop playin’, just let us know and we can find something else, yeah? Just like how Ezzie does art classes.”

Easton seems to calm down after a few moments of Harry rocking him and reassuring him of what an amazing son he is.

As Kayla drove away that night, her perspective on the all-star baseball player definitely changed. It was refreshing to see someone to not hold their child to an unreasonable expectation just like she thought Harry would.

The Campfire

Austin was the shortstop on the baseball team, he’d brought along his girlfriend, Chelsea, to the frat party to celebrate another win.

Everyone was in whispers that Harry was bringing his new girlfriend but nobody knew who she actually was because it was just a rumor.

It was surprising because Harry wasn’t a relationship kind-of man. He wasn’t into hookups much - always said he needed to focus on baseball.

Many of his teammates were envious of how many girls were constantly coming up to Harry at parties to flirt and try to get a dance in but he had always rejected them.

Harry had never showed interest in any of these girls at the parties, never seen him disappear upstairs with one or really entertain a conversation over a beer like they’d expect.

Chelsea pokes his shoulder and nods towards the entrance when Harry walks in with his arm around YN’s shoulder.

Most were in a little shock because they seemed like such an unlikely couple - YN had written some scathing articles about him and it was no secret he hadn’t been a fan of her.

“Holy shit, Harry’s dating YN?” Chelsea whispers to Austin as the group of party-goers cheer and whistle at the allstars appearance.

“Guess so,” Austin replies with a shrug, tugging Chelsea into the kitchen for a drink.

Later on that night, there’s a bonfire on one side of the backyard and a volleyball net on the other where a group was gathering to play.

Austin and Chelsea are on the opposing team of Harry and YN - she can’t help but watch them with curiosity because of what a surprise it is that they’re dating.

Even Austin has been watching because Harry’s acting in a way that he’s never seen throughout his time on the team with him.

Harry is just all over YN which was confusing how he went from not being remotely interested in the college girls to being a lovestruck puppy.

When she throws the ball up to serve, Harry reaches over and pinches her bum which makes her squeak and accidentally drop the ball which has him cackling as she glares at him.

As they change positions, he crowds up behind her, and massages her hips, leaning down to murmuring something in her ear.

She blushes wildly before smacking him off which has him laughing hard and kissing the back of her head before taking his position.

After Harry jumps and spikes the ball hard, earning them the winning point, YN turns around and wraps her arms around him to hug him tightly.

Harry wraps his arms around her shoulders, returning the hug before pulling back to kiss her lips in a soft peck.

Chelsea elbows Austin, “Who’s that and what did they do with Harry?”

Austin shakes his head, “I really don’t fucking know.”

The group migrates over to the fire as they might become cooler and the stars are high up in the sky, the fire flickering orange and yellow crackles of sparks.

Harry plops into a chair, pulling YN right onto his lap, and she wriggles until she’s comfortable. Chelsea notices him tap her thigh as if telling her to cut it out, too much motion right on his crotch.

Jake, one of his teammates, says in a teasing tone, “YN, I’m surprised to see you around these parts . I clearly remember a strongly worded article about how stupid frat parties are.”

YN takes it in stride, smiling as she replies, “And this party just proves my point.”

The group laughs easily, they enjoy YN’s sharp wit and comebacks as they get to know her. Austin can’t help but to notice how quiet Harry is.

Normally, he’s the life of the party, loud and making his presence known to everyone but not tonight. He has his chin propped on her shoulder and she’s cuddled back into his chest.

Austin can’t make out what Harry is saying but he’s constantly whispering in her ear and accentuating each time with a squeeze to her thighs.

“Are you guys official?” One of the teammates asked bluntly, a few beers deep by this point in the night.

Harry replies instantly, a possessive squeeze, “She’s mine and off the market, s’don’t even think about it.”

“Well I don’t think it matters because she’s turned down the whole baseball team by this point. I think everyone tried to ask her out at least once,” Steve jokes as the others agree.

“Tha’s m’girl,” Harry murmurs to her before teasing his friends,“Who’d want to go out with any you? You’re all dickheads.”

Everyone continues to joke around, it’s nearing midnight and that’s right about when Harry gets in his prime - like the party just started.

But not tonight.

YN’s eyes start to flutter shut as everyone banters and drinks around the fire, obviously not used to these late night parties.

“I better get this one t’bed,” Harry states after a few minutes, thumbing at YN’s cheekbone as she tries to stay awake.

“I’m okay,” She mumbles weakly, head still heavy against his shoulder.

“You’re coming back though, right?” Kyle asks expectantly, brows furrowed.

Harry shakes his head, “Nah, m’in for the night when she is.”

All the players look at him with a bit of a dumbfounded look, Steve shooting out, “Who knew you’d be so pussy whipped, Styles?”

Chelsea’s eyebrows raise at the crude comment, waiting with bated breath as Harry’s jaw clenches as it seems like he’s biting his tongue.

“Goodnight,” Harry says in a tone Austin has never heard before - agitated and almost…offended.

When Austin and Chelsea are sneaking up to his room for a late night hook-up, she overhears Harry and YN in his bedroom.

At first, she thinks they’re in an actual argument but as she listens to them - it’s not the kind of arguement she thought it was.

“You’re always the little spoon,” YN groans from behind the closed door.

Harry squawks, affronted before huffing back at her, “S’my favorite, please spoon me, darling?”

“You’re so fucking spoiled,” YN giggles as Chelsea assumes they move into a position where Harry’s the little spoon.

“Mm, I like feelin’ y’tits against my back, s’nice,” Harry hums with a boyish tone.

Chelsea doesn’t even realize she’s smiling until Austin drags her from her stupor.

All she knew was that Harry Styles really really fancied that school reporter.

-=-=-=-=-=-

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kris-p-banana-bread · 4 years ago

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Here DOAFP fandom, have some organic, locally-sourced, home-grown pain. This is basically just me, a scarred older sibling, projecting on Bobby, another scarred older sibling. I really reached into my post-loss psyche for this, so I hope you enjoy the headcanons and meta (AKA I hope you shed at least one tear).

It won’t let me link it here so the post that inspired this is under the read more at the bottom ✨

- When I first watched doafp, I couldn't understand Elena's aversion to Sam becoming a prominent figure in her mom's and her life. Now I understand it almost too perfectly. There was never supposed to be someone after Robert. He and Gabi were deeply in love and happy. Robert was it; he was the first and true love of Gabi's life. Sam showing up probably felt like a huge and utterly disrespectful slap in the face of Robert's memory, because he wasn't even supposed to be there. I don't know if that's as eloquent as I wish it was, or if it makes sense, and it probably sounds really mean to Sam, but it's not even really about him. It was always supposed to be Robert; Sam hasn’t earned the right to be apart of or associated with her family

- After Robert dies, Gabi and Bobby make it a habit to find and keep photos and recordings/videos of Robert, even if the latter only has him saying one sentence. They won't make Elena join them for the search, but after they find some of those old audios of Robert, they'll sometimes play them back for little Elena

- Bobby put up the keep out sign (I credit this to a few other blogs for discussing this tho) because that's where he would cry sometimes. He actually used to be pretty close with Elena, but after he put up that sign and started distancing himself from them a bit so they wouldn't see the times he cracked, he got a little more short and jaded with her. It's that, plus just growing into a teenager and stuff. And I'm not saying that he and Elena have a bad relationship, but he's become more snappy and has more walls up than he used to

- Sometimes Elena feels bad because she doesn't always remember her dad's voice. She was pretty young when he died, so even though she recalls it a bit, and the recordings help, it's been a while since she's talked to him in person, so of course she doesn't quite remember what it's like to actually talk to Robert and she's forgotten some of his mannerisms. She likes to think she's all done (she marked the stages down in her grief journal after all) but grief isn't linear or all that rational, so it hits her hard sometimes

- I keep reading as an action close to my heart because that's a strong bond me and my mom shared. She would rec books to me, and we would joke and talk about them, or she would hint to some future event and then refuse to tell me until I caught up to that part. So Elena and Bobby do something similar in their grief. Elena has writing and words, because that's something Robert loved if I remember correctly (but if I’m not and that’s not canon, then I now declare it so) and Bobby has tennis. But besides tennis (I sent a couple anons to @freshlybakedfandoms about it but I'm not sure where she went) Bobby also was taught to play guitar by Robert (I liken it to Devi Vishwakumar and her harp) so when he misses his dad or is just sad, he'll take out his dad's old acoustic and strum

- (This next one is something I also think a lot about so this is pretty much 98% projection) Bobby thinks sometimes about the fact that he was never able to come out to his dad. He hadn't really started growing into that part of himself yet, and he never got to show it to his father. He wonders what he would have thought of him. Would he be angry? Would he dismiss him and say it was just a phase? Bobby didn't think so, but a little part of him insisted that you could never be too sure. After he comes out, Gabi and Cami assure him that Robert would've been so proud of him and would've loved him regardless (Since we know virtually nothing about him, I maintain that Robert was one of those dads who teases their kid relentlessly about their crushes and I think he would've done that with Bobby and eventually Elena)

- When Elena's quince rolls around (if she chooses to have one of course), Sam dances with her during the father-daughter dance. A part of her still hurts, still aches and wishes that Robert were dancing with her too; still knows on some fundamental level that he and Gabi had planned for this day, but he had simply never made it. But she's known Sam long enough that she feels comfortable here. Nobody can replace Robert, but Sam is her family, and it feels right like this.

- I might do some more research and deliberate, but for the moment I'm saying that Robert had cancer, I’m thinking along the lines of colon. My mom was terminal, but idk if I should make Robert terminal? Maybe towards the end. Or maybe he was diagnosed as incurable early on but Gabi kept it from the kids because, tbh, being told your parent is balancing on that kind of edge is traumatic for them. So anyways, I’m going on that assumption for this last point, and I’ll see if I can recover some of my old knowledge and talk about technical stuff later if anybody would like to hear it

- Elena and Bobby were both pretty young. Bobby understood about PET scans and tests somewhat, and knew generally what different answers from doctors meant. Elena mainly just understood what was happening by reading her parents' and brother's expressions when getting lab results in from the doctor. They both remember on some level what it was like when Gabi would leave the kids with Cami and take Robert out to the car (later she would have to help him) and they would all feel like they were holding their breath until they got back and confirmed that everything was ok (and later, the little shocks of fear when the answers were no longer as positive and there was more apprehension and risks. After all, cancer doesn’t deal in absolutes)

- Bobby can still remember Robert when he had to stop walking around a lot. He still remembers the phone call that Cami got from his mom, saying that something had gone wrong, and if this last treatment didn’t work, he wouldn’t have much time before he passed. Still remembers Cami rushing into a room when she got that call, and trying to hide what was happening until Gabi could get home and explain it; but Bobby was a sharp kid believe it or not. He heard about the treatment, heard Cami crying. He still had hope... but when Robert came home in a gurney, when he could barely stay awake sometimes, when his voice was quiet and his skin was a little jaundiced, Bobby felt incredibly empty. But Robert always had a smile for his wife and his beautiful kids, even if it was small and very tired, his eyes still crinkled the same. He always had a smile; right up until they had to say goodnight and get some sleep one night. And then... he passed.

- After he passed, the Cañero-Reeds needed help, and a lot of Gabi’s coworkers would bring food or materials if they were running low. Cami and Danielle would babysit and would distract the kids when Gabi needed a good cry.

- Like you’d imagine, and because of what is sort of implied in canon and in my own head, the kids dealt with it in different ways. Bobby put up that sign, and withdrew. He wasn’t awful, but his patience with certain people got a bit shorter and he was a bit quieter. And he was a really good helper when he had the energy and he cared deeply, but he would sometimes get physically and emotionally exhausted after helping Gabi/Elena/Cami/anybody else with something and would go into his room or mentally tap out to recharge. He took comfort in things that seemed natural and that he sometimes took for granted before, like video games and skateboarding (hehe bobby skateboards. Anybody second me on this?) and clothes etc... and other stuff. A lot of materialistic things or experiences that he would skip out on before. But they bring normalcy back to his life now so he loves them for that.

- Bobby doesn’t wanna think about big themes or anything anymore, which I can’t remember but I think it was Vi (freshlybakedfandoms, again, idk where she is and I hope she’s ok) who said he was a math and science person and I think that as much as that could transfer over to those subjects as well, it’s much harder to avoid existential and emotional themes in English and History class and Bobby doesn’t like it as much as Elena does for that reason. He had to live with the back and forth of his dad’s treatments and tests, so math and science is comforting because it’s more concrete (There could be a million arguments for why he would distrust math and science because of his dad’s passing though, I realize) Ultimately, though, it reminds him of Robert too much.

- On the other hand, after a period of shock and confusion, Elena threw herself into new things. First it was a grief journal, to make sure she was going through the motions. Then she read a lot, and when she felt too alone or like she wasn’t doing enough, like she was stagnant, she’d just find something to focus and persevere on again. That feels like her personality type to me; something is wrong so let’s fix it right away. But that could also transfer sort of negatively into “Something feels off or I’m very sad, let’s get this thing done and be productive so we can put off having to confront that but at least we get work out of it” but I could be entirely wrong (this is based off some of my family members and how they dealt with the loss.) And Elena throws herself into history and english because her dad loved it, and she wants to remember more of him. Because she believes words have power and history is a lesson and that’s incredibly interesting for her

#bear talks #doafp #robert cañero reed #bobby cañero reed #gabi cañero reed #elena cañero reed #camila doafp #sam faber #fun times #sorry?#I can write a cute fluffy fic to make up for it #i cri #also sorry if I made these a bit too much about bobby #I just relate to him as the older sibling #I added some more so if it got out of hand I’m sorry #tell me and I can make it neater #my meticulousness might just make myself do that on my own tho

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dem-cp-hoes · 5 years ago

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Sorry to bother you, but can you do some wholesome/cute head canons for the creepypastas please?

You're not bothering at all, no worries😊

Though I think these turned out to be general hc rather than cute but... 🤷‍♀️

---------------------------------------------------

Jeff:

I think it's pretty much canon that Jeff names his knives. Most people would think that he gives them badass names but nah...

His favorite is named Martha, no one else is allowed to touch her

There's also Kule, Austin and Annie, sometimes he talks to them (mostly about Liu)

No, you can't point it out/comment on it, it'll upset him

Smile is his best friend, Ben is jealous

His hair gets curly after a few days, which means he has to straighten it with an iron

He also puts his hair buns, or ponytails around the house (he looks good tbh)

^the reason he always has hair ties as well

He's either dead asleep or hasn't slept for 4 days straight, there's no in-between

Not a total asshole all the time, surprisingly

He doesn't make mean comments about things that hit too close to home

Like, sure he's gonna tease Toby for his ticks but he's never gonna mention his sister

He makes up his own curse words

He puts on chapstick, but no one knows

Everyone knows, they've seen him, Ben has a video

He talks during movies, questioning the logic and making comments about characters' decisions, nobody minds bc it's hilarious since everything he says is on point

He drinks the sweetest coffee with milk and 3 spoonfuls of sugar at least

Loves romantic movies, but he has a reputation

Has a small cactus in his room, it was a gift from Ben, he takes good care of it

Ben:

He has freckles!!! He has freckles everywhere!!! (sorry I got excited, I just love freckles) but bc of the whole dead/demon thing, you have to get close to him of you want to see them

Owns a lot of fandom themed hoodies and t-shirts

He can mimic a lot of cartoons' voices, including the jigglypuff song, it's quite impressive

He's very proud of it

Ben is a genius, since he's mostly attached to a computer he has access to anything the internet has to offer, so lots of knowledge

Sometimes he can answer like Alexa/Siri does if someone calls his name and asks something

The others think he can't control it and ask him things all the time

He absolutely can control it and only does it to fuck with them by giving them bullshit answers that sound legit

He collects action figures, what a dork

Has a hamster, his name is Picachu

He gets teased a lot over it, let him live pls

The others secretly love it tho

Loves to watch people argue through their cameras

He lives for the drama

"Ben what are u doing?" "I'm watching this couple in New Jersey, apparently Sharon cheated on Nick again, but this time with his sister!!!"

When he giggles/gets embarrassed his ears become bright red

Sits on the floor, sits on tables, sits on Jane, Slender is convinced he doesn't know what a chair is

Jack:

Any perfume with a very heavy scent makes him sneeze a lot

He refuses to believe he is hurt/sick

Jack, while being held down by all the proxies: Guys, I told you I'm fINE, I CAN WORK TODAY, JUST LET ME GO!!

He has a lot of animal mannerisms

Like licking someone he likes on the cheek, purring/growling, sniffing etc

Bruh, you scratch behind his ears or under his chin and his whole chest vibrates with purring

He tilts his head on the side when he's confused, like a dog

Loves scented candles, he has a bunch of them in his room

His favorite scent is lavender

He can in fact eat human food, it just can't sustain him all that well and anything that is not overly seasoned tastes bland

With that being said, he loves spicy food bc he can taste it properly

Jane screamed when she saw him eat an entire plate of ghost peppers with no milk

The jingle of keys makes his head turn sharply towards the sound, once again like a dog

He can fall asleep anywhere, and I mean anywhere

The porch? More than once

In another's room? Of course

In slender's office? That was quite an interesting thing to explain

In the middle of the kitchen? Yeah, once

He's just a sleepy boi

Jack is the one who knows everyone's ticklish spots bc gives check ups

Likes listening to audio books on his free time

Masky:

He drinks Irish coffee (for those of you who don't know, it has alcohol in it)

Once Masky called Slender dad (sleep deprived) and then proceeded to slam his head down on the table and say a bad word

Sally once made him a flower crown for his birthday

He refused to take it off for 5 hours!!

Won't sleep with less than 2 pillows

He considers his one True near death experience to be when he almost choked on one of Jane's fake eyelashes (long story)

He has mastered the 'disapproving face' game', even when he wears the mask, you can feel it's there

He's around Toby, what did you expect?

Doesn't trust giraffes ("why are they so fucking long????")

He has a very contagious laugh when he really laughs, even when he just grins

Can give the best hugs, hands down

Like you feel so warm and protected when he hugs you

And it doesn't help the fact that he smells like the forest after a rainy day.... (now I want a hug)

Hoodie:

He has dirt on everyone

Mainly bc he's quiet and reliable so people tell him stuff

Has Masky saved in his phone as 'Bae' and when people see it they ask, "Is he your boyfriend?"

And he replies with, "Nah, it stands for Biggest Asshole Ever"

Drinks tea by the gallon

Reigning champion of "How many objects can we put on Jeff while he sleeps"

Hoodie has those "hoe don't do it" moments pretty much every day

Jeff trying to start shit, Ben is planning a prank on someone, someone insulted Slender. Every time

Award winning smile

His hair is the softest thing ever I swear-

Will make tea for anyone he sees that's having a rough day

He likes to sketch people, he's actually pretty good

He likes to read books to calm down

If someone wants to he will read out loud to them

Toby:

Don't give him energy drinks

It won't make him hyper, oh no, but it will make him do dumb shit

Once, Helen made the mistake of handing him a red bull, and let's just say he was found playing a mix between 'the floor is lava' and 'don't let the balloon touch the floor'

It was intense

President of Protect the Bees and very proud of it

Will follow through with literally any dare, he takes impulsivity to new levels

Will let Sally do his hair and dress him up to play princess

That friend who sends you fucking memes at 3am just to be a prick

It's easy to get him flustered, especially if someone flirts with him

He is obsessed with sour sweets, not even he knows why

There's no such thing as personal space, he's comfortable around everyone

Gets excited when he sees a cartoon on tv from when he was a kid

Places the stickers Sally gives him on the headboard of his bed

He knows how to say, "can I pet your dog?" in 4 languages

#Creepypasta #Creepypasta Headcanon #Jeff the killer #Ben Drowned #Eyeless Jack #Masky #Hoodie #Ticci Toby

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its-bianca · 5 years ago

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Studying/Planner Apps

Essential apps for studying, planning, health, etc. Who says everything has to be analog?

These are all the ones I’ve tried and downloaded (unless said otherwise). The ones with the * next to it are the ones I don’t use or have gotten rid of for personal reasons, but still highly recommend all of them.

I go through apps like a child goes through toys. I try them out, get rid of the ones I don’t like. Apps are toys.

There’s tons more, but these ones are the ones that I recommend to people with similar needs and schedules like mine. The ones I haven’t or don’t use anymore are ones I could definitely see being helpful to others or that I’d maybe use in the future if my needs change.

Note: these are things from the App Store, but I’m pretty sure most are available on the Play Store too.

Podomoro Time Trackers

Forrest* - Haven’t tried this because you have to pay for it on the App Store, but I’ve seen everyone go bonkers over this app and how they plant trees for studying, etc. etc.

Plantie - Best and only Podomoro app I still use. Gamified, but not TOO gamified. You just grow fruit, collect, coins, buy more fruit trees. It’s super simple, while still providing really good graphs and charts. Also, it allows you to turn off the feature where it stops your task as soon as you leave the app. Sometimes I need to use my phone for assignments, and I still want to track my time. It’s completely FREE, with GREAT charts as a visual. Other apps need a premium subscription to access the graphs and charts, which is why I love this app because even though the chart is quite simple, it does its job. Although, it doesn’t tell you when to take the longer break and it has to be adjusted manually. That’s fine for me, because I always get disturbed by something before I even get to 4 blocks, and if I waited until I had a big chunk, I’d never get anything done.

Block & Flow: Stay focused* - Podomoro but visualised with stacks of blocks for each day or week. And you can list out what tasks you have for that day and sort out sections for work, reading, school, etc. I didn’t need that feature, which is why I used Plantie instead.

Workflow Timer* - Another good option with options to make multiple tasks lists. One of the simpler and more user-friendly ones. It also looks really good!

Hours Time Tracking* - App for timeblocking, scheduling, and tracking the time while you’re working. It’s not helpful for me, because it’s practically impossible for me to strictly schedule something in my day after school, but could be useful for others. Really easy to makes tasks and separate by color.

Stay Focused* - Simplest Podomoro timer out there. No distractions, no graphs, no gamification, just pure focus.

Planners/Calendars/Tasks

Wunderlist - Great reminder system, intuitive (type in “essay next mon” and it will schedule the task to be due next Monday), syncs everywhere, attach documents, etc. I used this for my assignment list, books to read list, schedule etc. for a long time, until recently where things got hectic and I wanted to make a daily to do list rather than only a master list. I use a bullet journal for school stuff now, but still keep Wunderlist for that shopping/movies/books/apps/websites to check out list.

24me* - Personal assistant, lots and lots of features, with scheduling, to-do lists, notes, journaling, etc. Tracks weather and traffic to and from work/school. All in one.

Google Calendar - I don’t schedule on this, but use it to sync my school calendar with personal calendar. Easy scheduling and you can SHARE your calendar with a friend! All Google apps are made for collaboration basically.

Habitify* - Habit tracker on your phone and tracks progress every day, showing when you skip and reminding you of it. Don’t quite remember why I got rid of it because checking back it seems really good. Might redownload.

Trello* - Kanban boards, “cards” and lists, great reviews. I’ve heard people use it as a bullet journal sort of and project planner though that wasn’t it’s original purpose. I downloaded it for a club thing, but never really used it personally.

Notetaking/Planning/Journaling

OneNote - I use this ALL the time, even though I don’t use my Microsoft account much anymore. My notes are organized and have a hierarchy. Very customizable with headers, notebook sections, pages, subpages, etc. Easy to share with group mates and an okay collaboration space if you want to see each other’s progress on research or something during a group project. MUCH better than having tons of Google or Word docs of notes. Completely FREE for the full experience.

Notion* - One in all workspace for journaling, notes, scheduling, planning projects basically a mini-website for your life and work. Great guide for bullet journaling on Notion from studyblr Eintsein here. Another Notion bullet journaling guide on YouTube here and here. I highly recommend it, but don’t use it since I use an analog bujo, prefer OneNote for class notes, and don’t have much use for it other than that currently. You do have to pay for unlimited notes, but there’s a pretty good amount to start out, and if you really don’t want to pay, there are workarounds to it.

Milanote* - Like Notion, but more restrictions on the free version. I don’t use it anymore because I’ve realized I didn’t really have a good purpose for it and it cluttered up my phone. In a way, it’s more ~aesthetic~ than Notion, but there are less things you can do. It does have a better learning curve though.

Evernote - I don’t use it often, but I have it to take quick notes or other stuff. Evernote is like a god in the notetaking world, because it’s user friendly, quick, and syncs up really easily with everything.

Health

7 Minute Fitness - There’s a lot of these out there. Go find one or two. Don’t be sedentary.

30 Day Fitness Challenge - Same concept as above.

Simple Habit - FULL of free mostly 5 minute guided meditations (though there’s premium access). There’s no excuse now. Also, I used to try 10 minute meditations on Headspace which made me really sleepy. 5 minutes work best, because they’re quick, and if you want more time, just move on to the next part in the series or find another one. Lots of free series for basically any subject (school, women, mothers, grade anxiety, sleep) and SOS mode. Unfortunately, you can’t download any of them in the free version.

AloeBud* - Self-care pocket companion. Make reminders on your phone for every self-care thing you can think of. Schedule notifications multiple times a day with personalized messages.

TaoMix2 - Mixer for relaxing nature/white noise sounds. It’s pretty restricted in the free, but it’s enough for me.

Cove* - If you’re a music person, this app let’s you make quick music and tunes matching your mood. A sort of an easy music therapy if you’re not good with instruments or composition.

Reflecty* - Little journal buddy asking you fun/reflective questions about your day and tracking your mood. It’s short and sweet. Each entry is a “story”.

Oak* - Great for breathing and very simple guided meditations. Breathing practices for anxiety, freshening up, and calming nerves before a big performance. It just takes 15 seconds to breathe.

Grid Diary* - Journal prompts in grid fromat. Customizable daily prompts.

DayOne Journal* - Again, RAVING reviews. Everyone loves it. I haven’t used it because I prefer analog journals, but it’s a pretty good for travel journals with pictures, audio, video, etc.

UVLens - Reminds you to put sunscreen on throughout the day depending on your skin, activities that day, and type of sunscreen.

Flo - Period tracker. Need I say more?

Tasty - FOOOD (by Buzzfeed). New recipe ideas, includes shopping list, make your own cookbook.

KitchenStories - MORE FOOOOD. Includes Asian and international cuisine since it’s crowd-sourced.

Miscellaneous

Audiobooks - Audiobooks from the Gutenberg Project, but in app form. You can download classics for free, etc. There are some paid audiobooks, but they’re usually for better narrators/text corrections, so absolutely not necessary to get lost in an old book. Jane Austen, Charlotte Brönte, L. Frank Baum, all the good stuff.

Daylio - Tracks mood, activities, with intuitive charts. You can edit moods and activities shown per day. Free version is pretty good, and it replaces the need for making a habit tracker in my journal, because I don’t like making those.

Scannable - Very intuitive scanning app. I’ve used this for many legal/important documents and nobody had a clue it was “scanned” on a phone. It makes regular photos of documents easier to read and look like it came from a scanner. It can share as a PDF or jpg. Granted, you need good lighting for the best quality.

Google Docs, Spreadsheets, Slides - Everyone’s probably used this before, but to reiterate, this is the best collaboration app/website. Super easy to share with real-time tracking and updates.

BEAKER by THIX* - For chemistry people. Mix compounds/elements together, make new compounds, see their reactions. Don’t have much use for it since my chemistry class is moving at a glacial pace but I could see this being useful for others.

Chemtriz - Same as above, but gamified. You take elements and put them together in the right configuration to make compounds.

PictureThis - Plant Identifier - Weird addition to list, but it’s a cool app to get back in with nature. Now I know what a boxwood plant looks like.

IFTTT* - Hard to explain, but it enables different apps that don’t usually work together to work together. So if you input something in an email, you can make it go into a Google Spreadsheet(?). Just go check it out. It’s cool. Many shortcuts, track stuff in the Health App, get emails showing cool NASA pictures.

Canva - AMAZING graphic design app/website for those who can’t use Photoshop (ie. me). It’s better online, but there are hundreds of templates for magazines, book covers, planners, posters, flyers, and basically any graphic design needs. Many free graphics and photos ready to use. Premium version is NOT necessary to get full benefits from this program. I used it to create this calendar for my room.

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noirwomaninred · 5 years ago

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Grunts, gasps and moans of Final Fantasy 7 Remake review

My absolutely spoiler free review / thoughts about the game followed with under the cut spoiler “review” where I give my thoughts on the story which I absolutely forbid you from reading before you are done with the game.

Do realize that the under the cut spoiler section will have full spoilers not just for the remake but for the original Final Fantasy 7.

However the initial spoiler free review will go in depth to the game systems, so if you want to learn those on your own you would better skip the whole post.

Meat of the game (Combat system)

The game has an active battle system similar to Final Fantasy XV or Kingdom Hearts games but feels much more refined. You can play the game as hack and slash on easier difficulties, but the normal difficulty (with hard being unlocked ones you finish the game) tests your knowledge of the system at times.

By landing hits on enemies or just by waiting you fill your ATB (Active time battle) gauge and once you have enough of it you can do special attacks and use spells or items. This makes some moments quite tense when you are on low health and need to fill ATB by rushing in and lands bunch of hits in quick succession to be able to heal your character before they get killed.

You can also skip the active time battle by setting the difficulty to “classic” when the AI takes over your characters who automatically attack, dodge and guard against attacks while you can focus on just giving commands on what abilities, spells or items they should use when ATB meter is up. If you think your the AI isn’t doing good enough job you can take control at anytime and the overall difficulty of “classic” mode is same as easy.

You can equip skills, spells and active buffs by equipping materia, which are items that grant these skills. The characters aren’t able to use those skills if materia is unequipped, so you have to choose what works best for you.

On top of the materia system you have different weapons that give your characters different abilities. Using the said abilities they can learn them and can then use them even when the weapon is changed.

You take control of multiple characters and you are able to switch between them on the fly whenever you wish in combat. Each character feels different to play and have their own strengths and weaknesses.

Only negative I would have is that targeting system can be at times a bit fickle and camera occasionally can be fighting against you when trying to hit enemies who are above ground level. This is more of a nitpick than a real problem.

The combat system is great and has enough depth to carry a full game.

Grunts, gasps and moans (Audio)

This game suffers the same problem as most of the console games. There isn’t really a sweet spot for audio to be perfect. Music can swallow the dialogue or the other way around, the side dialogue can swallow the main dialogue etc.

If you haven’t guessed the title of my review comes from the audio problems the game has. The grunts, gasps and moans can at times be way too loud and just distracting. For example when character is clearly far in the background you can hear them grunt as if they were doing it right agaisnt your ear.

From let’s plays (and my own experience) the side dialogue heard by random characters on the streets are a bit too loud and distracting. None of these things isn’t anything that ruins the experience but it is a bit annoying.

What did you expect (Music)

Music is done by Nobuo Uematsu, along with Masashi Hamauzu and Mitsuto Suzuki. It is amazing and among one of my favorite video game soundtracks.

Everyone is so pretty and hot (Graphics / visuals)

Graphics of this game are unreal, every character is so pretty, lighting is on point and the art direction is great. They made trash look interesting in HD and that is saying much.. Though there are few times when you see low textures or even the infamous doors that are impossible to miss and look like they didn’t load correctly or just miss proper textures. This again is more of a nitpick and not a real problem.

Everyone is so nice and wholesome (Characters)

All the characters are likable and charming on their own way. The banter between the cast members is done really well and no one feels under utilized. Some side characters may be way over the top and anime if you don’t like that kind of thing but that again is down to your own taste. At first I had a bit of a trouble accepting some but I grew to like all them in the end.

Good guys are good and villains are villains. I like them all.

Final thoughts

The game is quite amazing on all fronts but at times it can feel a bit bloated and drag on during some sections though this is mostly down to your own opinion. Personally I didn’t feel the sections drag on in more than two points of the game when I felt the pacing was a bit too slow for what was going on (The other case being just feeling that area was stretched out and other a pacing issue for what was going on with the story).

I overall recommend the game if you are s fan of JRPGs, but as a remake of FF7 it is quite different and can be good or bad depending on how you like it. Though I will say that if you expected the marketed remake of the original story with expanded bits.. It simply isn’t it.

With that out of the way under the cut is the spoiler review and my thoughts on the story of the game. Do not read it unless you have played the game or just don’t give a f*** about full spoilers.

Here I will put up my thoughts on the full story and go deeper into certain scenes that has been added or altered from the original. Please know that these are my personal opinions and if you disliked something that I liked or that I disliked something you liked is fine, no hate coming from me so don’t toss it my way! Feel free to hit me up in instant messages if you want to discuss stuff.

The Avalanche gang

The side characters from the Avalanche have been greatly expanded upon and all of it is good, while Jessie got the most of it and I honestly don’t mind that.

We get a whole new side adventure with the gang which makes sense as part of the bigger plot and gives the characters time to shine. This also makes the emotional punch later on feel much more effective.

Train graveyard and spooky ghosts

This part that is added with Aerith’s backstory being expanded by just a small glimpse and having the characters run around with spooky ghosts is good.. But it is placed in the worst place when considering the full narrative.

At this time the characters are running towards Sector 7 to prevent the plate from falling on +50 000 people and to have a prolonged part with ghosts makes takes away from the build up and the agency of the moment. If this spooky ghost part would have been done in any other point of the story it would have been fine but now it drags on the part of the game that should feel intense.

Use of Sephiroth

PTSD / ghost appearances

I was all aboard for Sephiroth being a haunting ghost for Cloud with the worst case of PTSD. The only scene I would have cut from him would have been the first meeting with Aerith where he feels really out of place for me and the “you can’t save anyone” taunt talk would have been better used right before the plate fall instead of being used as a “hey, you remember Aerith is gonna die” moment that is just eh.

I especially loved the moment right after the plate fall when Cloud freaks out as Sephiroth taunts how he just let all those people die and all the others see is him freaking out because of nothing.

Final moments

To have him as a final boss of the game is just... Please, can’t you save anything at all for the end of the story? We already had our final boss of the whole remake story I guess. Overall in the end when they stopped using Sephiroth as a haunting ghost and turned him into a random big bad of the story, where he literally has no place in even with the changed narrative, is just quite lame for me personally and it felt like he was overused.

Shinra board of directors

All the villains are great. None of them is toned down and they clearly love what they do just as they did in the original game. Scarlett was a bit over the top but to be fair I always got the insane dominatrix vibes from her so it works. Hojo is absolutely delight on how creepy and off putting he is.

The changed story with them using the reactor bombings and the plate fall not to just turn the people against Avalanche but to sell a war to their civilians against Wutai is really well done and I’m excited to see where it goes.

The TURKS

The TURKS are all portrayed as they have always been. Great stuff.

Roche

Roche is a bit too over the top but he is way too fabulous not to like as a frenemy. It took a bit for me to warm up to him but I think he is a great addition. Though I think it is a missed opportunity not to have him have a second appearance at the very end during the motorcycle escape.

The Honey Bee inn

The Honey Bee inn might very well be one of my favorite gaming moments of my life. It is whimsical, way over the top and fabulous not to like. What I like the most of it is the fact they didn’t turn it into a harmful scene or a joke that might hurt the people who crossdress or fight with their gender identity.

I love the fact that they go as far as have the character in game state that one should always be who they are without fear and the beauty is something that the gender does not apply to.

However the cat calling on the streets for Aerith and Cloud was a bit too much and uncomfortable and the follow up sleeping gass scene, that was added instead of having the charcters just lead to the basement, was too real.

The plate fall and the aftermath

The plate fall event was quite spectacular and great overall. However I do think that Square has lost their touch on what the tone of certain scenes should be with the random appearance of Cait Sith (that will be just wtf moment for new comers who have no context for a cat with a crown) when everything goes down. It is really short glimpse but it was more than enough to take me out of the emotional impact and just make me groan.

It also took me a great attempt on suspension of disbelief to have Wedge survive the ordeal, but I managed it and accepted it. However as much as I wished for Biggs to survive I can’t suspend my disbelief so much. They had him die in front of the gang and if he somehow just passed out and they were silly enough to leave him behind (which I doubt they would have done) they had him be on the pillar that was destroyed beyond any recognition.. So yeah.. It truly does a disservice for the whole emotional impact of the plate fall and overall experience when the plot armor is so damn thick.

I mean right now I’m at the point of thinking that Jessie is alive because she “died” just like Biggs and if he survived so should she, right?

I really wish they would have had the guts to pull the trigger on the characters like they did in the original or at least write sensible ways to have some of the characters survive.

Jenova

I think they downplayed the horror aspect of Jenova and revealed too much too soon. There is no more a nightmare fuel scene in the game where you get to go through the eerie quiet Shinra building with bodies here and there with a blood trail and claw marks on the walls. Now it is simply reduced to following a spooky juice that might be purple glowing blood.

As fun as the boss battle against the Jenova was it felt out of place and confusing. I generally feel that the creators thought that they just had to cram Jenova fight in there and couldn’t wait for it to happen later or have Jenova get their proper introduction later on.

Rufus

Rufus, while he looks absolutely stunning, is downplayed. Now he is simply reduced to a random boss battle that is sudden and he has no real character introduction like he did in the original. Even his lines were given to Heidegger who had at this point been well established so this choice just feels bizarre. I realize he wouldn’t have much of a role here anyway but now Rufus didn’t even get a proper introduction for going forward.

Last bosses and Zack

The whole section that starts from the moment the gang stops on the highway and have Aerith give random speech how Sephiroth is bad and they should stop him and all, even without establishing why he is bad or who he is in the remake or how Aerith knows about him at all. Going forward it becomes a confused mess and the boss feels so out of place by being something that should have been in Kingdom Hearts instead of FF7 which is (or was) grounded on reality rather well up until the ending parts of the game.

They also give rather confusing scenes of Zack at the end with no context to anything that is happening until the very last scene of the whole game which I don’t mind.. But have Zack appear out of nowhere and not explaining it at all feels like a chep try for nostalgia and not much else.

However have him appear and walk past Cloud and Aerith as they head out of Midgar was great and could have worked if there wasn’t any additional scenes of him. To have this mystery character with Cloud to head towards Midgar at the end of the game would have been a great hook for the new comers but now it is just... It is what it is, I guess.

Constant spoilers

The game is littered with scenes of Cloud seeing to the “future” (who know how that will go now). Some of these are more subtle than others but some scenes are flat out spoilers that aren’t difficult to figure out by new comers.

I just don’t agree with this spoiler culture and it took me out of the experience at times, though I think that new comers have less of a problem with that if they won’t figure out what certain things mean..?

What absolutely felt too much was flat out showing Aerith dead in a flash forward, the meteor and destruction of Midgar of all things. Just stop.

The whispers

I absolutely hate this addition and before anyone loses their mind let me explain. The floating cloak people make some scenes cringe worthy (like them kidnapping Cloud and Aerith to have them fly away from Reno in comical manner) and they add absolutely nothing to the flow of the story.

For example the whispers prevent the characters from stopping Rude and Reno from making the plate fall... There was no need for them. They could have just had them fail without some “propfetic ghosts who make sure people die because that is how the story must go”. All the moments they “forced the story” to go certain way could have literally happened without them and without them it would have flowed much better.

They have Barret die for a moment just to bring him back by the whispers because his part in the story isn’t done yet. This is a cheap attempt for a tear jerker and takes away all the worry if he will be okay or not going forward for the new comers to FF7 since they wouldn’t raise him from the dead just to kill him off later.

They save the gang during the motorcycle scene multiple times just to make sure to dissolve whatever tension there is left by reassuring us that “hey our gang is safe because that is how the story goes”. They could have had them survive on their own.

Overall every time the whispers were on the screen they took me out of the experience first by just having me react by going “wtf are you doing here” and just made intense moments feel less so.. And now that I know what they were supposed to do I just think “all that would have gone down anyway” and “You literally gave plot armor a living form”? Not to mention that how they were included, would I agree or not (which I don’t) on their inclusion, they are written in the most cringy and poor fanfiction-y kind of way.

They apparently are the arbiters of fate which protect the original story of FF7 and by defeating them we can propably now have Aerith live and change everything. They are just used to give Square a permission to not just remake the game with modern gameplay, graphics and expand the original story but to flat out remake the whole story to something else. I can’t get over the fact they added time travel of all things to FF7.

I can't stand the fact that the whispers don't add anything to the narrative since without their involment everything would have happened naturally anyway. On top of that because of their "involment" to the story the narrative of FF7 Remake doesn't stand on its own by for example showing Zack with absolutely no context to anything, that even ruins his most iconic scenes that are used in the remake and Sephiroth ends up being "this bad guy who killed Cloud's mom and wants to destroy the planet for reasons that aren't explained at all and he apparently knows everything about the timeline" so even him being the big bad of the remake is just nonsensical when he isn't given proper context for anything that is going on. We simply have Aerith go "Sephiroth is bad and should be stopped" and we don't even get reasons why Aerith knows about him at all. The newcomers to the series have a remake of a game that doesn't stand as its own story without them knowing everything about the original game. They are just an excuse to have a justification for Square Enix to change the story going forward to whatever they want and after seeing how cringe worthy the whispers were I'm legit afraid the follow ups will be bad case of fanfiction.

I really, really hate that after playing through a long and arguably an amazing remake I’m left with bad taste in my mouth which stains all the great moments I had with it as all I will remember is how bad the ending turned out to be.

...I really hate to say this but the whispers act like a marketing scam. The game that was sold to us was a remake of a classic with expanded story but now what we have is retcon / reboot to turn it to who knows what going forward. Maybe what we will have in the future is amazing but I’m a bit sore after this.

Final Fantasy 7 Remake is a game that I loved 90% through but unfortunately I loathe the last 10% which is enough to take me out of the experience. Not to mention that 10% is more imporant to the mess of a story we now have than what happened in the rest of the game and it has such great implications on what will happen to the future parts of the remake.. So yeah.

...I just don’t agree and I legit have a fear this will turn into bad fanfiction going forward. I hope this will turn out not to be that way but the fear of it is real.

#out with the red : ooc #gonna do something different #spoilers under the cut!!!#so beware!!#dont look what is under the read me line if you haven't played the game yet!

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zoestagg · 5 years ago

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Pay For Content...

If you find yourself consuming more content than usual in this age of social distancing, and you find yourself grateful for that slice of distraction during the day, how much is that worth to you? Even if it looks it, NO content is effortless. Even me pretending right now that blogs are still a thing, takes effort.

And so, in this era of elevated quarantine-content-consumption AND the political spirit of the season (whereby I am not political because even though I’ve read the Hatch Act, I’m still afraid I will somehow interpret it wrong,) I would like to introduce you to my own kind of grassroots effort-

Grassroots Entertainment Subsidies.

Some people pay for cable. Some people pay for Netflix. I don’t watch either of those things, because I prefer my content, artisanal.

If you share a financial situation with me, please stop reading.

If you don’t, let’s talk about how much I pay independent creators every month and who I pay!

Pictured, Ken Reid, (@tvguidancecounselor) TV Guidance Counselor over Shibuya Crossing.

First, merch. When I stan, I prefer to stan in public. Hey, people who listen to music wear band tees -- people who listen to podcasts wear merch.

There are a few creators that I pay directly -- they’re the Old Guard folks, who had to figure out how to monetize in the days when that wasn’t easy to do.

Direct Subscriptions:

Funemployment Radio: A Portland podcast totally famous in its own right, famous to me because one of the co-hosts lived next door to me growing up. Amusing and distraction-worthy content every single day, is absolutely worth it. $7

Keith and the Girl: There’s OG and then there’s the people who have been podcasting since iPods actually existed. Your subscription gets you their whole back catalogue and all of their spin-off shows, which I go through phases listening to. Really, I subscribe because I wouldn’t have met my BFF or survived Basic Training without them. I want them to keep doing what they’re doing. $15

Gymcastic: I want someone to talk about the best and worst leotards thoughout history and recap the 2000 All Around. Being an expert in a niche and being consistent about your art is worth money. Subscribed. $2

I want Sordid Deets to come back so bad. They dropped a surprise ep this week and it was the best thing ever. I miss them so much.

Audio content on Patreon:

Solid Listen Network: This is the rebrand of the network that brings you Mother May I Sleep With Podcast, excellent in its own right and a podcast title that makes me jealous of the perfection, perpetually. I pay for Troy McEady. I subscribe to over 100 podcasts, his is the ONLY solo act I listen to, and he is a marvel. A delight. I’m like a tier-three sub for his Britney content alone. STAN. $8

Last Podcast on the Left: Honestly, my subscriptions don’t typically run this mainstream. I try to use my dollars where I think they’ll make the most difference. That’s not to say they don’t make content that’s worth money, but this one was sort of forced. They went to Spotify only and as we all know, I don’t listen to music, AND they dropped their Lee Harvey Oswald series right after? Dirty. Still. Becoming mainstream means there were a lot of years you weren’t, so not mad about it. $10

True Crime Obsessed: This is the most organic and shrewd and early-adopting use of Patreon out there. Is that a usual thing to praise and reward? Good business models? Maybe not, but these cats -- SMART. They, almost from the jump, used their free feed as bait to get to the premium content. Their free feed is GOOD, but all the stuff you REALLY want? Is premium. So, so, smart. Also I like them a lot, I’m even extra tier to get the After Party. $7

Morbid Podcast: I reward a hustle. If you’re working jobs and have kids AND make time to be consistent with your art? I’m in the Window Latching Coven because I see you. $3

Video content on Patreon:

Offhand Disney: In my list of things I am obsessed with, Disney backstories are on there. This nostalgia/business/behind-the-scenes channel with great research is awesome. VIDEOS ARE HARD. $5

Wheezy Waiter: I love his chill, not-at-all-self-important life challenge content. He puts out a lot of extra content on Patreon, but mostly I’m just subbed because I want him to keep doing what he’s doing. $5

Paul Lucas: In one of greatest adulting failures, is that I cannot for the life of me figure out how airline rewards work and have ever only upgraded to Premium Economy out of my own pocket. I am an air-travel embarrassment. I also love very thorough, methodical reviews of stuff you might not think you’d find yourself watching a review of, like in-flight amenity kits. It’s SO SOOTHING. I love airports, and I love to be soothed. $3

Swell Entertainment: Love her. Love her personality, love the effort she puts in to the concept of each video, love that I got to watch her go from 8k to over 50k in a week? Her content isn’t your typical “Hey guys!” and that’s the point. She’s unique, and I’m here for her hustle. $3

LEMMiNO: I hate to even link this video and then look at how small the pledge is, the RESEARCH and the ANIMATIONS and the ACCENT. At the very least, if you’re interested in spooky and mysterious things at all, go subscribe on YouTube. He’s amazing. $1

Nexpo: I sometimes like spooky stuff. (In the daytime, at the gym, where there are very few ghosts.) I like deep dives of spooky internet oddities, and his are deep. $1

Other artists on Patreon:

Funny But Mean: A sketch comedy troupe I was in in the early 00s, who is still doing the amazing feat of creating theatre in San Francisco today. It costs like $5000 just to SAY San Francisco, anymore. So they get my money. $5

The Unipiper: He’s a Portland cult figure, the unicyclist who plays the bagpipes in a Darth Vader helmet, and I just so happen to know he has a pretty great heart when it comes to his fans. That’s reason enough for me. $5

Kaytlin Bailey: I subscribed for her podcast, The Oldest Profession, which is an amazing empowering deep-dive into sex work throughout history, and stayed because she’s out there doing activist work on behalf of sex workers today. My money is more powerful in her hands than mine. $5

That’s $83 a month. Does it seem like a pretty big budget item? Maybe. But creating independent content is HARD work. Researching and being consistent and hustling because it’s content you care about making? I would rather pay the artist directly.

Like conceivably if I watched anything but YouTube, or listened to music at all, maybe I would have a streaming service or a cable package, but this is what I like. I like people making art.

I DO wish Patreon had a better “discovery” experience. To my knowledge, you have to know exactly who you’re searching for, to add them. I want to be recommended people! Browse creators to add. Maybe they’re working on it.

Because it seems like I have an itchy $17 more dollars that needs pledging... whose content are you paying for?

#internet #podcasts #keith and the girl

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pengychan · 5 years ago

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[Coco] Mind the Gap, Pt. 14

Title: Mind the Gap Summary: Modern Day AU. Tired of Ernesto’s snide remarks, Imelda decides to put him in his place and her husband is more than happy to help. It was supposed to be a one-night deal. Things quickly get out of hand. [OT3, mostly porn and humor. Plenty of instances of Ernesto being Dramatic, Imelda getting Sick Of His Shit, and Héctor trying to be the peacekeeper. Don’t expect anything serious.] Pairings: Ernesto/Héctor/Imelda Rating: Explicit.

Art by Dara.

[All chapters are tagged as ‘mind the gap’ on my blog.]

A/N: Aaaand shit hits the fan. You knew it was coming.

***

“I honestly cannot figure out if they’re dancing or fighting.”

“A bit of both, really. Brings out their best, through. You know, makes it more, er… passionate?”

“Oh, it does,” Armando agrees, staring at the scene through the glass. “Absolutely.”

Héctor smiles a little and follows his gaze. In the next room over, Imelda and Ernesto are singing - more to keep the tempo than for any other reason, they already recorded their cover of La Llorona with Héctor playing and that will be the audio - and dancing in front of a green screen, several cameras recording every move. Ernesto looks dashing in his best white charro and oh, Imelda is a dream in purple.

It was Armando’s idea to involve her in the music video, really, soon after the three of them had recorded the cover. He hadn’t been so keen on the idea of having Imelda sing with them as a guest - he had a couple of big names in mind - but after listening to the less-than-professional recording Héctor had on his phone, he was willing to give it a chance... and loved the result.

Truth be told, convincing Imelda to star in the video as well wasn’t easy; she was uncomfortable at the idea and honestly, Héctor was ready to drop it at the first ‘no’. Ernesto seemingly dropped it as well, but made a few sly remarks on how he couldn’t blame her for being worried she couldn’t keep up with him and his dancing.

Which gained him, of course, a raised eyebrow from Imelda.

“You do realize, I hope, that this attempt at goading me into it is about as transparent as it gets.”

“Is it working?” Ernesto asked, only for her to roll her eyes.

“No. I have no interest in humiliating you in front of your agent.”

“Oh?”

“You’re the one who wouldn’t be able to keep up.”

“Then prove it.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Chickening out, I see.”

“This isn’t going to work.”

“So you’re just going to pass on a chance to show me up in front of our manager?”

“...”

And… that was it, really, and here they are now, going through the routine time and time again, each refusing to give ground and dancing at their absolute best. It is the last thing that still needs doing - everything else is done, their debut album ready - and Armando wants to wrap up the filming within the day. If Ernesto and Imelda keep going like this, which Héctor is fairly sure they will do, they’re going to be exhausted by evening, but that’s not going to be a problem.

Héctor will very gladly take care of both of them.

***

“Don’t tell me you’re tired, Ernesto.”

“Absolutely not. Are you?”

“Not at all.”

Héctor bites his lower lip not to laugh at the conversation, which they’re carrying out sprawled at the opposite ends of the couch in a way that belies their words - both of them laying back, boneless and so obviously, utterly exhausted. Ernesto’s hair is dishevelled, whatever product he put on it clearly having given in, while Imelda’s hair is loose on her shoulders in dark waves. Even tired, she is beautiful. Ernesto is… not quite as much, but Héctor doesn’t mention it.

Instead, he grins and picks up his guitar. “So, who’s up for another round?” he asks, and barely ducks under two pillows thrown at him at the exact same time. Dante leaps to catch one, only to miss and crash against a chair while Pepita takes possession of it, to sit on it with the dignity of a queen. The other pillow is snatched by the Chihuahua pack; it takes all of them to carry it across the room, and they disappear beneath an armchair.

Normally, Imelda wouldn’t tolerate any pets but Pepita to take possession of those pillows; now, she seems very much beyond caring. As for Ernesto, he really never gave a damn.

“... I take it we’re not going out to celebrate wrapping this up?” Héctor pushes his luck again.

“No,” Imelda drones just as Ernesto mutters, “Tomorrow.”

Héctor’s grin widens. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you’re tired-- ouch!” He yelps, in surprise rather than pain, when something - Imelda’s slipper - smacks against his thigh.

Still sprawled on the other end of the couch, Ernesto nods. “Good shot.”

“Thanks. And I have another one.”

“Just kidding, just kidding!” Héctor protests with a laugh, holding the guitar up and almost hiding behind it. “But there is a fun activity I can suggest. One where I do all the work!” he almost shrieks when Imelda’s hand reaches for her other slipper.

The hand pauses in mid-air, and her eyebrows go up. “All the work?”

“Yes!”

She glances at Ernesto. He tilts his head. “Am I included in the fun activity?”

“Oh, like you would accept any answer but yes,” Héctor laughs, finally putting down the guitar. “All right, step one - you get your clothes off.”

“That sounds like work to me.”

“And you said you’d be doing all of it.”

“Ay, since when are you so laz--” Héctor ducks suddenly, and Imelda’s remaining slipper through the air. He jumps aside, and gives a victory grito. “Hah! Missed-- ouch! Ow! Seriously?”

Now missing a shoe, Ernesto gives him a satisfied smirk. “My aim is better,” he tells Imelda.

“I didn’t go for the head,” she points out.

“See, that’s the problem. You don’t aim high enough.”

Héctor rolls his eyes. “... Is either of you interested in what I’m suggesting?”

As it turns out they are very, very interested. But also very, very tired.

Half an hour later, buried beneath their snoozing forms - they stayed awake through the process of taking off their clothes and getting to the bedroom, but not much longer - Héctor sighs, trying to will his erection into going away, as he’s clearly not getting to use it at all tonight.

Ah well, there will be time to make up for it in the morning. Then maybe they’ll go out for a late breakfast someplace fancy, to celebrate the fact the album is done - their first step into proper stardom, as Ernesto calls it. Not that stardom matters much to Héctor, but it will be nice to have some extra income. So that Imelda can get a proper shop soon, and maybe they can start thinking… maybe…

Above him, Ernesto shifts sleepily and yawns. Héctor finds himself yawning as well, and the thought stays incomplete. He shuts his eyes, smiles at the tickle of Imelda’s breath against his neck, and lets sleep claim him as well. The future may hold a lot for them as Ernesto says but, for now, Héctor is happy to simply enjoy the present as long as it lasts.

It doesn’t last.

***

“Mierda.”

That is far from the most original thing to say; probably the very same word countless women found themselves uttering in various languages in the privacy of their bathroom, staring at two small lines on a pregnancy test stick - but at the moment, Imelda is unable to think of anything else to say. She can only lean back, heart in her throat, trying to think through the buzzing sound suddenly filling her ears.

No. No, no, no, no, no. It can’t be - it just cannot be - she’s on the pill, has been taking it religiously for the past several years, every day at the same time without fail. And she was lucky, too, never had any complications or side effects. Take the pill every day, stop a few days - cue period - and then on with the pill again. Nothing has ever gone wrong… until now.

Because she stopped taking it as usual, and there was no period to speak of. She tried not to worry, because sometimes human bodies are odd like that, and picked up the pregnancy test as an afterthought, thinking a negative result it would give her some peace of mind before she booked an appointment with her doctor to figure out if she needed to change brand of birth control.

Looks like I’ll have to call her for entirely different reasons.

Despite the voice in the back of her mind telling her that pregnancy tests are not infallible, Imelda can feel panic beginning to tighten her throat - because she knows that neither is birth control. But the pill is supposed to be effective in… over ninety-nine percent of cases. It worked until now, how can this be happening? What has changed in the past month? She can think of nothing, no big changes other than adopting a hyperactive and particularly stupid stray dog, full of ticks and with an infection--

… Wait. Wait just a moment.

Mind in turmoil, Imelda stands and throws open the medicine cabinet. There are some blisters of painkillers ‘just in case’, disinfectant, bandaids, some tampons, hair products she had told Ernesto to store somewhere else - and something else, the open box of the medication they all had to take after taking in Dante to find out he had a contagious fungal infection. Imelda tears it out of the cabined, pulls out the instruction booklet, and reads through it.

As it turns out, she should have done it much earlier.

Caution: when taken alongside birth control pills, it reduces the level of the hormone--

The booklet falls off Imelda’s fingers, floating slowly down on the tiles. She stares down at it for a few moments, then a few minutes, her ears buzzing. Now she knows what went wrong; later, once she shock has worn off, she will kick herself for being so careless. But right now, the one big question in her mind is what is she going to do about it.

It shouldn’t make her feel gutted. She and Héctor do want children; they agreed to wait until her business properly took off - and it has - and he got a foot firmly in the music industry - and he just did. This is... earlier than they planned, but it is what they wanted.

Except that, when they made plans, Ernesto was not yet in the picture. Not the way he is now.

At least�� yes, at least there isn’t the issue of not knowing who the father is; in all the nights they have spent together, Ernesto has never been in her. At first because she didn’t want him to be - she considered that something for her husband only - and then… it had simply not happened. It almost did last week after they finally went out to celebrate the wrapping up of the album and oh, thank God, thank God he was too tipsy for it.

The father is Héctor, it can only be him, and it spares her the ordeal of not knowing and all the mess that would come out of it - because what would they even do, if it was Ernesto’s? Tell the truth, and force a child to deal with the stigma for the arrangement the three of them were in? They could decided to lie about it, pretend otherwise, but what if the truth got out? What if the child grew up to look far too much like their good family friend? Someone would find out, and… ah, she can’t imagine anything good coming out of it. It is a relief to know it will never happen.

But along with the relief, there is a burning sense of shame. Did she truly nearly get herself in the position of getting pregnant without even being certain who the father would be? That was… irresponsible of her. It had been meant to be a one-night deal, but it got well out of control and now it’s been… God, almost a year. How could she let it get this far?

Much, much too far. It cannot continue.

No, it really cannot, with a baby on the way. She will be a mother, Héctor will be a father, and Ernesto… he needs to be only a family friend again. She won’t object to Héctor and him being something more than that, as long as it is done discreetly and away from their home, but the three of them sharing a bed… that needs to end. The third wheel - she ignores the thought that Ernesto has come to be more than that, she must, if she’s to carry this out - needs to come off.

It would be far too dangerous with a child at home, asking questions. A child who would take the fall if word got out that their mother and father share a bed with another man, because it would be delusional to think their arrangement would simply be quietly accepted. Imelda could face the disapproval with her head held high if need be, but how could she ask that of a child? What kind of mother would let that happen?

It had to end, eventually. He’ll understand, he must. It is for the best. For everyone’s sake.

By the time she leaves the bathroom, the positive pregnancy test in her hand, Imelda has her mind made up. It hurts more than she ever thought it possibly might - a dull ache in her chest - but that’s not relevant right now. There is a baby coming, and she needs to do the right thing.

Even if Ernesto doesn’t agree, he must come to accept it. He’ll bounce back, Imelda tells herself, and she can believe that. Maybe she’s overestimating how attached Ernesto actually got. He’ll probably go back to his flings and one-night stands, if those ever really did stop.

Maybe he’ll throw a tantrum, as he often does when he doesn’t get his way, but she’s sure he’ll eventually be glad to have bailed out once the realities and responsibilities of having a child in the house become clear; he’ll mock them over the lack of nights out as he used to do only last year. She’ll get annoyed, and he’ll laugh it off. Like old times - arguably better than old times, because she refuses to think the understanding they have reached can simply vanish like that.

He’ll still be welcome in their home, just not in their bedroom. If she and Héctor are to be parents, it is time to put childish things behind them. She understands that and, she’s sure, so will her husband. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would see it is the only way forward.

“Héctor.”

Her voice is flat when she calls out, still somewhat numb, from the door of the living room. It causes Héctor - who is sprawled on the couch, song book in his hands and a foot braced against Dante to keep him from taking over - to look up, a pen in his mouth and another behind his ear. The one in his mouth falls off when he sees her expression and opens his mouth to speak; the other is dislodged when he sits up, putting the songbook aside.

“Imelda? What is it? Are you all right?” he asks, concern plain in her voice. Imelda draws in a deep breath, grip on the positive test tightening, and speaks quietly.

“We need to talk.”

***

“We need to talk.”

Héctor hears Imelda’s words through the loud blaring of an alarm. Or at least, that’s what it feels like: ‘we need to talk’ is very firmly among the top ten sentences that can make people question their every life choice, from the womb up to the second those words reach their ears.

We need to talk.

All right, all right. Time to keep his cool. Maybe he did something wrong - he probably did something wrong - and now they will talk it through. It is all right. Time to act as any reasonable adult would. Or not.

Nuh-uh, no. Nope. Nope nope nope. Abort mission, abort, abort.

“Great! We will! Soon! Soon-ish,” Héctor blurts out, and goes to grab his guitar, which is resting against the wall. His panicked brain fails to pick up the fact he’s holding it sideways. “I just thought up a song - I mean, I was thinking up a song - the words are giving me some trouble but I got most of the melody down, want to hear--”

“Héctor,” Imelda speaks up, putting a hand on the guitar. She looks… ay, she looks pale, and Héctor’s dumb panic immediately turns into concern. He puts down the guitar, almost dropping it on the only part of the couch not occupied by Dante, and cups her cheek.

“What… what is it? Are you feeling ill?”

“No, I--”

“Do you need to see a doctor?”

“Possibly later, but--”

Héctor’s brain somehow freezes and starts working twice the normal speed, simultaneously. The result is that he only gets stupid thoughts, but in much quicker succession than normal. She’s seriously ill, she has cancer, she’s the calmest person ever to experience a heart attack and oh God when was last time either of them did a full health check-up?

“Oh my God, you’re ill!”

“No!”

“You’re pale!”

“Héctor--”

“You said we need to talk, and you were using That Voice, it has got to be something serious!”

“Well, it is something serious--”

“I’ll call an ambulance!”

“No, you will not-- Héctor, put the phone down-- por Dios-- I’m pregnant, Héctor!”

Héctor’s neurological functions skid to to nearly a full stop, leaving enough electrical activity to keep him breathing, but just barely. He stammers. He drops the phone. He stares. His brains sputters back into activity.

“Pregnant,” he repeats, as though trying out a foreign word. Imelda bites her lower lip, nods, and holds up something - a stick. A pregnancy test with two tiny lines showing on the screen. Héctor blinks at it. “... How?”

That gains him a look that’s somewhere between stunned, pitying, and ‘oh God who did I marry’. “... The usual way?”

Ah. Right. That was… no, wait. It wasn’t that stupid a question, she’s supposed to be on the pill, and-- and--

I’m going to be a papá.

The realization hits him like a ton of bricks, kickstarting his brain into a semi-functional status again. He blinks at her, his face beginning to open up in what’s probably the biggest, dumbest smile since… their wedding, maybe. Probably since ever.

“A baby? You’re having a baby? We’re having a baby?”

Imelda seems to hesitate a moment, then her own expression opens up in a smile. It is somewhat tentative, but there is no mistaking the sheer joy of it; it’s like it occurred to her just now that she ought to be, and is, happy. “Sí. We’re having a baby.”

Héctor’s grito is loud enough to make Pepita shoot from the chair she was napping to the ceiling, while Dante flops off the couch with a yelp and runs to hide under a table. Imelda may also be trying to say something about her eardrums, but it’s lost in gales of laughter when he grabs her, kisses her, and twirls her around - improvising a silly, very uncoordinated dance across their living room.

Imelda laughs, too; she kisses him back, throws her arms around his neck, dances with him as he sings - “What color's the sky? ¡Ay mi amor, ay mi amor!” - and eventually they both stumble back on the couch, laughing, holding onto each other as the notion sinks in that they’re going to be parents.

It’s... a little earlier than they imagined it would happen, but it’s all right. They can make it work, Héctor knows they will, and-- ah, he can’t wait. He only just knew they have a baby on the way and he can’t wait to meet them.

“Imagine your parents’ face when we tell them-- and your brothers-- they're going to be tíos!”

“And they’ll never get to be in the same room as the baby unsupervised,” Imelda mutters, with a slightly exaggerated shudder of fake horror. Well, maybe not entirely fake.

Héctor laughs again, as though drunk on happiness, ignoring the brief stab of sadness at the thought that their baby will only have one set of grandparents. And no tíos from his side, since he never had siblings and-- ah, what is he thinking? Ernesto is going to be their tío, of course, they grew up together, it’s only fair.

“Wait until I tell Ernesto!” he exclaims, wishing the cabrón hadn’t chosen that day of all days to go get his nails done; if he were home, he’d be running downstairs in minutes to pound at his door and tell him the news. “I fully expect him to be the godfather! And to try and not hog all the attention at the christening, if he can manage-- are we doing that in Santa Cecilia? I think it would be nice, but Ernesto never wants to go back, so maybe--”

“Héctor.” Imelda’s hand is light on his cheek, her voice quiet, and Héctor knows something is amiss before he glances at her, at her somber expression. But this time, there is no panic: just the quiet realization of where this is going. “This is what we need to talk about. Ernesto,” she says, taking his hand. She looks saddened, but resolute. “... We’re having a baby. A child to raise. This-- the arrangement has to end.”

Oh. There is a stab of something in his chest, the kind of ache that comes with the realization that something good - something wonderful - has to come to an end, and sooner than planned. But Imelda is right, as she usually is; a child is going to change everything. A child in the house is going to change everything, and it’s their responsibility to make… adjustments. She can see that, he can see that… and he hopes that so will Ernesto.

“He will understand,” Héctor says through a lump in his throat. But it hurts, and his words sound unconvincing to his own ears.

For all the talents Ernesto has, knowing when to step aside was never one of them.

***

Something is… wrong.

It takes a while for Ernesto to notice, really, because throughout the dinner he’s rather busy talking - about the album, about future projects, about the new guitar he wants to buy, about himself in general because he does find himself to be a very interesting subject. They’re halfway through the main course when he realizes he’s not getting interrupted nearly as often as usual; by the time the waiter brings in the desserts, he finally notices the nervous glances they’re exchanging. Or at least, Héctor looks nervous; Imelda just seems to be… bracing herself.

Something is not right, Ernesto thinks, only moments before Héctor clears his throat.

“So, uh…” he manages a smile that is, at the same time, delighted and absolutely unconvincing. “Imelda and I have-- we have news.” He puts a hand down on the table, palm up, and Imelda grasps it with her own.

Later on, that is something that will keep coming back to mock him through sleepless, lonely nights: those joined hands, the way the fingers intertwine, how perfectly they fit. How complete they are, without him. But right now, it just unnerves him slightly; he looks up from their joined hands to meet Héctor’s gaze, confused more than alarmed.

“News?”

A nod, and the smile becomes a less forced, brighter. By his side, Imelda is expressionless as a sphynx. “We’re having a baby,” Héctor says, and grips Imelda’s hand tighter.

Ernesto stares. Blinks. Opens his mouth, closes it again, opens it once more. “... What?”

Another squeeze of Imelda’s hand, but Ernesto doesn’t notice: he can only stare at Héctor’s, too stunned for words, as he swallows and speaks again.

“Imelda is pregnant. We’re going to be parents.” The smile again, more tentative, more anxious. Ernesto’s eyes shift to Imelda, who remains expressionless. She is trying to keep control over the situation; Ernesto takes it as cold indifference as she nods and speaks, her voice calm, her words measured.

“... I am.”

Ernesto’s head spins a little. This is… bad. A kid would change everything and he doesn’t want things to change. “But how-- I mean-- I thought you were…?”

“I was on the pill, but some medication... interfered. I am five weeks in.”

“Five weeks,” Ernesto repeats, and there is some relief in his voice. Five weeks is still early enough for it to be taken care of - it would be a nightmare in Santa Cecilia, but in Mexico City? It can be done. He opens his mouth to say it aloud, but Imelda seems to have read his mind.

“We do want this baby, Ernesto.” Her voice is just a little more forceful, and again Ernesto is briefly stunned into silence. She sighs. “We always wanted children, you know that. This only comes… a little earlier than planned.”

Ernesto blinks, and turns to look at Héctor. He looks saddened, and it hits him suddenly - he knows where this is going. This is it, then - he’s getting the family he’s always wanted, they both are, and Ernesto is… no longer needed. He shakes his head, acutely aware of the fact he can’t say too much or too loudly, being in a restaurant and all. Only later, in hindsight, will he realize they told him in a restaurant to keep him from making a scene.

“Wait, wait-- what about--” what about me? “What about-- us?”

Héctor swallows. “You are still my best friend,” he says, and tries to reach across the table to put a hand on Ernesto’s arm, but he pulls back with a scoff.

“Oh, so that’s it? It’s over, just like that?”

Imelda shakes her head. “You and Héctor-- I won’t mind. But not at home, and… not with me.”

Is she serious? Does she really think it is enough-- that he will just-- Christ, does she feel anything about it at all? She may as well be made of ice, and Ernesto clenches his teeth, fury burning in his chest. He’s so angry, all of a sudden; at her for not caring, at himself for giving a damn that she doesn’t care, and at Héctor for just taking her side.

Of course he’d take her side. She has him whipped, and he’s a coward.

“You can’t!” he snaps, and finally her indifferent expression is broken, the hint of a frown creasing her brow.

“I can. I have every right to call myself out of it. Or would you force me?”

“What-- no!”

“There you have it, then. The arrangement, as it is, needs to end. I can’t keep being part of it.”

Anger barely in check, a sudden ache in his chest, Ernesto turns to Héctor. “And you agree with this?” he snaps. His best friends returns his gaze, still saddened… but his voice is firm.

“There’s a baby coming. We need to… to make some changes, even if we don’t like it. For the baby.”

Oh, of course. Anything for the damn baby that’s not even a baby yet-- but what about about him?

What do they care? They have their baby now. A brand new third wheel. That’s all I was, no? It was stupid to think that had changed. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

It stings - a lot - and Ernesto realizes that if he stays there he’ll scream or, worse yet, break. So he does the only thing he can do: he stands abruptly, almost knocking down the chair, and storms out of the restaurant - trying not to think, saying nothing, without looking back.

He doesn’t think he could stand turning to see those two still there, hand in hand - but ah, it’s no longer just the two of them, is it? There are three people around that table. The perfect number.

And he’s not part of it anymore.

***

“All right. What’s wrong?”

Sofía’s voice rings out in the darkened room. Ernesto, who’s staring at the wall and scowling, makes a face despite knowing she can’t see it at all.

“Nothing,” he says, hoping it will be enough. It clearly… isn’t.

“Yeah, no. You show up and suggest drinks, which was always your code for ‘fuck later’, and I say sure, got no plans for the night and it’s been a while. With you, I mean, I kept myself busy.”

“I’m sure you did.”

“We go out to have the drinks and you hardly talk, which is not unwelcome but also unlike you, since you can spend up to three hours talking about yourself without pausing - I timed you once,” Sofía says, and pokes him in the ribs. “Cigarette?”

“Not good for my voice,” Ernesto grumbles, still resting on his side to glare at the wall. He hears the sound of a lighter, a deep inhale, and he hopes she’s done talking. She’s not.

“I mean, really - there was karaoke going on and you didn’t elbow your way to the microphone. That is so unlike you it gets into worrying territory.”

“I was not in the mood--”

“Then you come to my place, fail to get it up - not that unusual, really--”

“Hey now--”

“-- But nothing some work can’t fix, and then suddenly you have a headache and would rather just sleep.”

“You’re giving me a headache right now,” he points out, turning.

“So you did not have a headache,” Sofía mutters, and triumphant note in her voice, and Ernesto snorts, shutting his eyes. There is a huff, and she rests her chin on his upper arm, blowing some smoke in his face. “Come on, who was it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I recognize heartbreak when I see it, amigo.”

“I’m not heartbroken!” he sputters indignantly, spitting out the last word like it’s something rotten, and turns his head to glare at her - getting another puff of smoke in the face.

“Hu-uh. And I’m a bride of Christ,” she mutters, and pulls back to rest on her back, a hand reaching out to tangle in his hair. “Look, I still have no plans for the night. If you want to keep up your Macho Act I’ll go make myself a sandwich, have another smoke and go watch a movie or something. If you’d rather talk about it, I’ll listen. You’ve got time until I finish this cigarette to decide.”

Ernesto lets out scoff and stands, throwing the sheets off himself. “There’s nothing to talk about,” he says sourly, grabbing his clothes. He’s out of the door a minute later, slamming it shut, and gaining no reaction but a raised eyebrow and another drag of the cigarette.

***

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#pixar coco #coco #ernesto de la cruz #imelda rivera #hector rivera #mind the gap

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fluentlanguage · 7 years ago

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De-Brief From An Organiser: Women in Language 2018

A few weeks ago, I was proud to co-organise and witness the first ever Women in Language conference, a unique online event designed to champion, celebrate, and amplify the voices of women in language learning. It was not my first online conference about language learning, but certainly the first I partly created and the first one ever to feature an all-female line-up of speakers.

In today’s article, I am going to lift the curtain and share my official de-brief as one of the three members of our organising team.

What I Felt at Women in Language

Let me start with the most important thing: I enjoyed every single presentation that I saw. And as I was often online making sure everything went smoothly, those were almost all of them. The quality of our many speakers at Women in Language was excellent, and the range of topics kept things interesting and inspiring.

Women in Language delivered on a few extra levels too. It felt as inspiring and intense as every offline conference could feel, with the added bonus of allowing me to sleep in my own bed. I adored seeing #womeninlanguage posts on social media, and to hear from our attendees in the live chat and Facebook group. And most importantly, I got SO inspired and motivated to learn languages in a brand new way!

If you want to learn more about languages, join the extraordinary four-day online conference #womeninlanguage with presentations by 50 incredible women! Day 2 has just started 😉 #language #onlineconference #cpd #neverstoplearning #alwayswanttoknowmore #passion

A post shared by Barbara TRANSLATIONS (@barbara.peckova) on Mar 9, 2018 at 4:09am PST

What I Learnt About Language Learning

A lot of the impact of four days of language love cannot be put into words. It’s a boost in motivation, a renewed commitment, a burst of energy. And at Women in Language, I got all of those out of it and more. I got to know more of our conference attendees and boosted my own desire to learn and teach languages in new ways.

Here are the most important lessons from Women in Language that will be essential for all language learners:

1) Dabbling Is Legit

At Women in Language, we celebrated the huge diversity of how people learn languages. You can choose whatever language you want to learn, and you can learn it for 2 weeks or 20 years, and you can dabble in a handful of languages at once if you want to. This is all “allowed”, and won’t make you any less of a language lover or polyglot.

Sometimes it’s easy to feel self-critical as a language learner, and to tell yourself that you’re doing this wrong if you don’t use Anki or speak from day 1 or spend many hours on your project. But dabbling is perfectly legit, and you are allowed to feel proud of it.

2) Compassion Matters

Leading on from the previous point, compassion was a regular theme of the conference. When you’re faced with so many blog articles and Instagram posts and YouTube videos and language books telling you what to do, it’s sometimes hard to remember that everyone has a bad day.

You can’t always be happy and you can’t always be 100% gold in Duolingo. Compassion means allowing understanding and empathy for yourself when times are tough, but also for other language learners. No one method is the right one. Allow other people to feel good about themselves, and extend that same kindness to yourself.

3) Everyone Loves Transcribed Audio

Finding something interesting to watch or listen to, at the right level, and then with a transcription…that’s difficult. But it’s also what a lot of our conference attendees wanted, and you certainly CAN find it online. If you want to get a few ideas, check out Speechling, Glossika, Rhinospike, and Movieclips on YouTube.

And by the way: Just listening is NOT enough. If it’s just a wall of sound, you’re not doing much good. You’ll need to know what you’re hearing. Find input that you can engage with, and check against your own skills. For more about this, listen to my podcast episode about listening skills.

4) There’s So Much to Talk About

It’s never enough to practice speaking by doing the “Hello how are you where do you live” dance over and over again. Speaking practice is best when you’ve prepared something interesting to talk about. And lucky for us, there are tutors and learners who already discovered this too, and they’ve even put together lists (like this one) of questions and conversation prompts.

5) When Your Brain Is Having Fun, You Learn

All too often we think of language learning as a STUDY activity, in all caps. But it’s just not necessary to do things this way. Language can be learnt through story, through fun activities, through play. The most important things are exposure and repetition, not how hard you study or how much your language experience feels like work.

Though some of these lessons may read as happy-clappy positivity notes, I found that they often helped to ease a learner’s mind and allow them to take a break and come back to language learning with new energy and enthusiasm. After all, we want to get fluent while having fun, right?

What Do You Think?

Whether you attended Women in Language 2018 or not, what do you think about those lessons above? Are you a dabbler, or a hardcore study nut? Leave me a comment below to join the conversation.

In part 2 of this blog article, I will put on my co-organiser hat (a very stylish hat, for sure) to tell you more about how Women in Language was organised, what we learnt in the process, and what you should consider if you want to run or contribute to an event like this in future.

Organising A Successful Online Conference

I’ll start with what we looked for in our speakers and talks.

For this first ever conference, we used our own network of interesting women to ask if they wanted to speak at Women in Language. Their social media accounts, blogs, youtube channels, relationships with us were what put them on the radar. So if you’re dreaming of speaking out yourselves, making yourself very visible is good advice.

Before contacting our speakers, we considered some guidelines about the types of talks we would be looking for. In addition to practical topics featuring tips and techniques for language learners at “Beginner” and “Advanced” levels, we also chose the tracks “Living with Language” and “Working with Language”. Each speaker we contacted let us know which of the four themes they would like to address in their presentation, and was allocated one. This way, we ensured that no topics would be repeated and we could offer a varied programme on every single conference day.

Here are just three of the 25 talks we saw at Women in Language:

Some of our speakers came to us with a firm idea of the talk they wanted to present, while others found themselves unsure at the start. As our programme officer, I found myself receiving several messages saying “I don’t know, maybe I have nothing to say after all.” If you have ever hesitated to put yourself forward for an opportunity, here is the thought process that does stop them in their tracks: “Maybe I don’t have anything to say here.” Meaning “Maybe my experience, my voice, my passion are not valid. Others will have more to say.”

I extended offers of a little “talk surgery” to those who needed an idea boost, and without exception it was the speakers themselves who came to me with fantastic topic ideas, and who delivered on them 100%. In fact, I found that the most intriguing topics came from a place of passion and excitement in each speaker’s mind. Topics like “Learning With Crime Novels” and “Managing Motherhood and Language Learnings” are not a language learner’s most burning question, but that’s exactly why they make incredible conference topics: They are real, and invite us to think differently.

Some People Voiced Different Opinions

I won’t lie to you, at times it felt hard to be out there putting together this positive, kinda feminist event. Some commenters felt that it was a wrong move towards equality, unnecessarily excluding male voices. To those guys, I want to remind you that we welcomed and celebrated male voices throughout the event - it’s just that this time only women got to speak “on stage”, and every single one of them brought expertise, commitment, quality, enthusiasm, and outstanding topics. We set out to show the language learning world from a different angle, and I was so encouraged to hear from several male attendees who were enjoying the conference just as much as everyone else.

If You Want To Be a Conference Speaker

If you are considering applying to speak at a language conference, please don’t hesitate. Even if you were to hear a no, don’t worry and keep putting yourself forward - maybe the programme is full already or the conference can recommend a future event for you to try.

Don’t be shy about suggesting a topic outside the memory-boosting-fluency-fast-track-performance mainstream. Don’t wait until you’re fluent in 16 languages. You’re good enough right now, as long as you have a cool topic. And what’s a cool topic? Your own experience!

You are so cool when you are yourself.

I want to give kudos here to all those women who agreed to speak and trusted Shannon, Lindsay, and me with Women in Language. You absolutely killed it, and we appreciate all the hard work you put into giving a great online talk at an event you’d never heard of before.

Many of our speakers were new to presenting online. From my perspective as a blogger and podcaster, I’m used to speaking to an empty room and waiting until later to see if anyone connects with my words. But these guys were new to the whole environment, and they handled it brilliantly.

Tickets

When we put together our event, we knew that it was a risk to ask for payment from attendees of an online event. Many other online events are open to attendees for free, but we wanted to create an atmosphere where the sales pressure is off, and where our audience members were just as invested in having a great time as we were.

We found that the ticket sales achieved this goal, and allowed over 250 audience members to join us from all over the world. This reassurance also helped us relax and increase our commitment to Women in Language. So on the ticket selling front, we are happy to note that all went well and we are now able to give a donation of over $400 to our chosen charity, Kiva. The charity supports entrepreneurs who do cool things to alleviate poverty around the world.

Here I want to say thank you to our audience members, who went ahead and trusted us organisers with a brand new conference idea. Some purchased a ticket and even took time off work, others were unable to attend but joined the conference to support celebrating and amplifying women’s voices in language learning. We appreciated your trust and support.

About The Technology We Used

In terms of technology, we used a setup of Google Hangouts on Air for our live broadcasts and embedded them in individual Teachable lectures via YouTube. We also added individual Chatango chat boxes in each lecture.

At the end of any session, the viewers could click “Complete and Continue” at the top and move on to the next session in our packed programme. Credit here goes to Shannon for leading us on the setup of a gorgeous page and ensuring the information was up to date.

This format added to the feel of hosting a real conference, where you would often walk into the next room for another talk. But in addition, it made us into the Netflix of language learning, where any previous talk could be streamed from the beginning right after it was published.

All talks were offered on a single track (no two at the same time), which kept the conversation focused and helped create a live chatroom community. We also added an “after hours” experience through a dedicated Facebook group for Women in Language attendees.

Marketing Women in Language

Our marketing campaign, headed up by Lindsay, made it easy for Women in Language to get seen. We obviously talked about Women in Language in our own blog, podcasts, social media, newsletters, youtube, and wherever you see us.

Lindsay also prepared some beautiful pictures and tweets for the speakers and the attendees, so that everyone could easily spread the word about our event. We are so grateful that you guys supported us and shared your excitement before the event. It helped us so much.

Shout out to our friends How To Get Fluent, Language Learning Summit and Langfest for inviting us to present our new event, and to Mezzofanti Guild for hosting a guest post written by Shannon. Check those guys out - they are doing amazing work.

The Organising Team

Between three organisers, we found that we were able to play to our strengths and largely handle the large workload of running a conference like this one. We stayed in contact with each other through direct messages, but also weekly meetings, and the project management software Asana. When your organising team is living on three different continents, it’s helpful to ensure online communications are as good as they can be.

Our track record of collaborations was a key to our success. Lindsay, Shannon, and I were no strangers to each other’s work. We knew already that we appreciate each other’s work and that each of us knows how to use all parts of the technology and marketing setup. We had also met in person before and solidified our friendship. Throughout the organising process, we were able to stay supportive and open to suggestions from each other.

Sometimes, it can take courage and grace to reach out to a colleague and trust that they’re on board with your idea. From the minute Lindsay first mentioned the idea of Women in Language and Shannon hopped on the first Skype call to join us, that was something we committed to.

I am grateful that I had the opportunity to run such a cool project with two colleagues and friends that I respect so much.

What We’ll Do Even Better Next Time

So we were excited, we were buzzing, we enjoyed four days of a successful conference full of tips. But that doesn’t mean that there weren’t any mistakes to learn from.

On the technology front, a few hiccups taught us the following lessons. Maybe you’ll find them useful one day, so I’m sharing them here:

When you want to embed your YouTube events in another page, it pays to set up a dry run so that you’re double sure the embed will show up the way you want it to.

When you are planning to invite someone to a Google Hangout, you cannot send them a “join link” in advance because the software will discard that link the minute you close the video window in your browser. And then your speaker’s link will be useless and they’ll be confused.

Don’t click “eject” when you want to reset your Hangouts partner’s setup as they joined your Google Hangout. They won’t be able to join again, and you’ll have to create a new event.

Power Point going full screen in Google Hangouts is a bit of a gamble, so stay calm, have a dry run, and prepare trouble shooting notes to make sure all goes smoothly.

In terms of the programme, we tried a new format of round table discussions which was successful at large. The two-hour time slot did discourage some audience members from watching it though, and that’s something I had not expected and we will look into providing shorter round table discussions next time.

Finally: I feel fired up to expand our commitment to diversity and ensure we include more global voices. Our line-up was international but still looked largely like us: white women who speak English a lot. Even if each of them is different in nationality or language line-up, this still gives our attendees an unintentional impression of what the “norm” is. We can add to that during future events, and I’m excited that we now have 27 speakers who can help us grow our network and look for polyglots and language experts from more diverse backgrounds.

What About You?

Did you enjoy the online conference?

Have you ever thought about becoming a conference speaker?

I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

#women #women in language #conference #online course

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annzybwrites · 7 years ago

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“Reading Together” Ch 2. Learning More

Chapter 1 | Chapter 3

Ms. Dimple was absolutely ecstatic to have Beast Boy be another permanent reader - she said the constancy was a wonderful thing for the kids. Since he was going to be regularly working with kids, however, he had to attend this one-day certification class which was basically about how to spot the signs of possible child abuse. It was… kind of heartbreaking to sit through, since the class showed videos of survivors talking about what they went through. He could understand why it was necessary to attend, though, and he vowed to himself to definitely be on the lookout for any signs of a child being hurt.

After that, every time he read to the kids he had a great time. He and Raven would decide together which parts they would read. Generally, Beast Boy was in charge of most of the dialogue while Raven narrated, but in dialogue-heavy books they’d take turns - it always made the kids (and Beast Boy) laugh when Raven broke out her “mom” voice, which was basically just a slightly higher, more drawled version of her normal speaking voice. In books where there was no dialogue, Beast Boy would just act out what was happening, either in animal form or human form. And, to be honest, he also acted it out when he was reading the dialogue, too, a prime example being when he ran around the room calling out, “Run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me I’m the Gingerbread Man!”

Raven and Ms. Dimple both informed him later that he should refrain from running around the room, because it makes all the kids want to run as well.

His favorite time by far was free time, because usually the kids wanted him to dress up and play pretend with them, either as a human or animal character. He tried to refrain from turning into a horse, though, since Ms. Dimple didn’t want the kids to climb on him and accidentally fall off since there’s no saddle. He was kind of amazed how quickly Ms. Dimple could think of safety issues with certain activities, even activities involving superpowers.

When Beast Boy wasn’t succumbing to the whims of the children and pretending to be a knight, or a doctor, or even a princess, he found himself listening to Raven reading more books to the children who were really interested in reading. He didn’t mean to make a habit out of it or anything, at first he just wanted to figure out what these “Katie Kazoo” books were and, well… he kind of got invested into the fun little stories and kept coming back to listen. Besides, Raven’s voice was really soothing to listen to - he kind of wished she spoke more back at the Tower.

The most interesting thing, however, was whenever he sat down to listen to Raven read, a few other kids would come over to listen as well - some wanting to sit on his lap while she read. Not only that, but some kids even came up to him with a book, wanting him to read to them personally, or help them read. Of course he could never say “no,” and sometimes he would end up reading five or more kids’ books in a row, and he only stopped because his voice started to get hoarse. Doing all those voices could get hard sometimes! But he didn’t mind reading to the kids - it could actually be a nice break if their dress-up time started to get too intense or argumentative.

And of course, every week Beast Boy turned into a turtle for Jax before the boy had to leave. He couldn’t help it - Jax always looked so happy being able to hold him as a turtle.

As for the song and dance time Ms. Dimple had wanted to implement, she sent him a whole list of fun kids’ songs he could teach, his favorite by far being “Boom Chicka Boom” because it was just plain fun. Or maybe he just like onomatopoeia? In any case, what he really enjoyed was seeing all the kids get up and “dance.” Most of them weren’t coordinated enough yet to really dance, but the older kids could follow along with the simple moves. And occasionally he got to show off with some break dancing, as long as he reminded the kids not to try this at home.

For the next few weeks, that was how things went. He and Raven read some fun books for the kids, they helped with crafts (Beast Boy being more careful with the glue after that first time), He danced with them, and then he either played with or read to them again. He found himself looking forward to it every week, because not only did he have a blast with all the kids, but he and Raven were becoming closer, too, something he had always kind of wanted but never knew how to achieve. After each session, they always walked most of the way back to the Tower and picked up a cup of tea and hot chocolate, talking about the kids and how silly they were that day. Or teasing each other on how they handled certain situations.

“So,” Raven looked at him out of the corner of her eye, her cup of tea held up to her smirking lips. “Couldn’t tell the children what your favorite animal was, huh?”

Beast Boy groaned and pulled at his cheek in agony. “That’s like asking a parent to pick their favorite child!”

Raven chuckled softly, and it made him smile. He really liked how relaxed she was after spending time with the children. “I suppose I reacted much the same when they asked me what my favorite book was.”

“Thank goodness they haven’t asked me that,” Beast Boy laughed before drinking his hot cocoa. “I’d probably just say a comic book.”

“Or Katie Kazoo?”

“Hey, those are fun!”

Raven took a moment to sip her tea before responding. “Sarah got Jax to put down his turtle book today for a Katie Kazoo.”

“I saw that!” Beast Boy grinned, remembering how Raven had mentioned two weeks ago that she wished Jax would read about something other than turtles. She had hoped Beast Boy could convince him to pick up a different book, but it looked like Jax needed someone else to persuade him. “Hey, do you think they like each other?”

“Yes.” There was no hesitation as Raven nodded. “They have that… budding feeling, that Robin and Starfire used to have.”

Beast Boy snorted. “Not so “budding” anymore, huh?”

“No.” Raven scrunched her nose up. “It’s insufferable sometimes.”

“Really?” For a moment, Beast Boy wondered what it must be like to be an empath. Ever since Japan, the team’s designated lovebirds rarely slept in separate rooms, and sometimes they could be quite loud about it. He mainly just had to handle the noise and smelling their aroused hormones two to three times a week at night (and sometimes during the day), but Raven actually felt all of that. He shivered and couldn’t help but ask, “How do you stand it?”

Raven was silent, and for a moment he worried that he crossed a line.

“You don’t have to answer -”

“I don’t,” Raven replied softly. “Sometimes I sleep on the roof.”

“What??” Beast Boy looked at her in horror. “That’s awful! Don’t you get cold?”

“Better than the heat I feel in the Tower,” she replied quietly, her cheeks coloring.

Beast Boy felt his own cheeks grow hot as well, trying not to think about the kind of heat she was referring to. “What are you gonna do in the winter? Or when it rains?”

“I have backup plans,” Raven sighed. She turned to give him a look. “Don’t worry about me - I’m fine.”

Beast Boy frowned and looked away. “You can’t stop me from worrying.”

“It’s not like I’m dying.”

“You don’t have to be dying for someone to care about you, you know.”

It looked like he had gotten through to her for a bit. She cast her head down, holding her cup against her lips again. “... I know,” she mumbled.

“Tell you what,” Beast Boy spoke before he completely thought his idea out. “The next time you go on the roof at night, grab me first - I’ll keep you company.”

“What?” Raven’s eyes widened before she turned to look at him. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to do that,” he replied. “Besides,” he grinned, wanting to ease some of the tension, “you could read me a bedtime story.”

Raven knit her brows together, searching his face for a moment. “... You… want me to read to you?”

“Kinda?” Beast Boy looked away from her, ignoring the way his heart suddenly increased its tempo. He didn’t think he had gotten that upset with her, so why did he feel all tense?

“I thought the audio books didn’t work out?”

“They didn’t, but,” he struggled to find the right words to say, “I like the way you read.”

He didn’t dare look at her, but if he had she would have seen her cheeks gain even more color to them.

“... I like the way you read, too.”

The soft-spoken words should not have affected Beast Boy so strongly, yet as he walked he suddenly felt his throat constricting, his limbs gaining at least five pounds, and his head buzzing and feeling light as a balloon. He had to swallow thickly before replying, “So, we could… read to each other?”

The faint buzzing and his pounding heartbeat accumulated in his ears, forming a deafening combination and making him want to rip them off as he waited for Raven to speak.

“... I think I would like that,” she replied after what felt like a half hour. She turned to look at him with a soft smile. “I’m interested to see what books you would read to me.”

“Don’t get too excited,” Beast Boy replied, relaxing as they moved into more comfortable territory. “I’ll probably just pick something random at the library.”

“That could be dangerous depending on the section you pick the book from,” Raven warned him.

“What do you mean?” Beast Boy gave her an odd look, having no idea what she was trying to say.

“Never mind.” Raven didn’t want to explain and just sipped her tea. “I have just the book I could read to you.”

“You always have book recommendations, don’t you?” Beast Boy realized. He had seen her write down new titles every week for a lot of the older kids to check out.

“Does that honestly surprise you?”

“... I guess not.”

She smiled softly again, facing forward as she asked, “You like zombies, right?”

“Um, yeah? What kind of question is that?!” He only requested they watch zombie movies at like every movie marathon the team ever does.

“Just double checking.” She chuckled. “There’s a lot of books about zombies.”

“Really??” Beast Boy’s eyes widened with surprise. “And those are the books you’ll read to me?”

“If you’re serious about this.”

“I am!” He grinned. “Let’s have a sleepover tonight!”

“Slow down,” she told him, but she seemed amused if her small smile was any indication. “Our voices need some rest today. How many books did you read, seven?”

“Eight, but who’s counting,” Beast Boy joked. He sipped at his cocoa again, watching Raven out of the corner of his eye. He could tell she wanted to say something by the way her fingers idly scratched against her styrofoam cup.

“... I was…” she hesitated before starting over. “Thank you, for helping Jimmy today.”

“Of course.” Beast Boy chuckled as he recalled the little boy who threw a book down in frustration during free time. He didn’t yell or anything afterwards, he just curled up and buried his face into his knees, but that was enough of a scene to cause some alarm.

-----------------

“Hey, Jimbo,” Beast Boy made his voice soft and quiet as he squatted next to him, hoping to entice Jimmy to look up at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Jimmy curled up more, not wanting to talk.

Beast Boy looked over at the book he had thrown down. Click, Clack, Moo: Cows that Type. Huh, interesting. He picked it up gingerly before sitting next to the little boy. “Do you want me to read this to you?”

“No!” Jimmy turned away from him, face still buried against his knees.

Beast Boy wasn’t sure what to do, but he couldn’t just leave the kid like this. “Well… I kind of want to read it. Do you mind if I read it out loud?”

“... No.”

“Okay.” He cleared his throat before beginning the story. “Farmer Brown has a problem. His cows like to type. All day long he hears click, clack, moo. Click, clack, moo. Clickety, clack, moo.” Every time he got to the “moo,” he did his best to imitate a real cow, hoping it would make Jimmy smile. He wasn’t sure it was working, since the boy still hadn’t lifted his head, but Beast Boy had to try something to get him to open up. Maybe he should have let Ms. Dimple handle this…

As he got to the last page of the book, Jimmy finally looked up at him, wiping at his eyes and sniffling. “Can you read another one?”

“Sure!” Beast Boy agreed eagerly, standing up. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okay.” Jimmy was still curled up, and his voice sounded a little choked up, but at least he had raised his head.

Beast Boy went over to the bookshelf and grabbed the first book he saw - The Cat in the Hat. Perfect, he loved rhyming ones.

“I’m back.” He sat next to Jimmy, opening up the book. “Hey, maybe we can read together?” he suggested casually, since he had been told it would be good to have the kids read for themselves sometimes. “I can read one page and you can read the other.”

Jimmy seemed hesitant, and for a second Beast Boy worried he would decline and just run away. But, surprisingly, the boy scooted closer to him and rested his head against his arm. “Okay. You start.”

Beast Boy smiled and began reading, trying to go slow and even pointing to each word as he read it so Jimmy could follow along. When it was Jimmy’s turn, he copied him and also pointed to the word as he tried to say it. He read really, really slowly, seeming to second-guess himself with each syllable, and Beast Boy noticed that sometimes his eyes wandered across the page. He had been told the best thing to do was be patient while the kids tried to read, only speaking to correct them if needed, but only now did he get why Raven had said that was difficult sometimes. Beast Boy was definitely not as fast a reader as his cloaked teammate, but right now he felt like the fastest reader alive.

Still, he stayed silent and just smiled at Jimmy as he read, glad he wasn’t curled up and crying anymore. When he was done with his page, Beast Boy told him, “That was really good.” Encouragement was also a thing he was supposed to give the kids, which he was all for.

“Really?” Jimmy frowned and buried his face against Beast Boy’s arm, obviously not believing him. “I’m slow.”

“You’re learning,” Beast Boy told him quietly. “Hey, I bet I was ten times slower at reading when I was your age.”

“You were?” This seemed to make Jimmy hopeful, and he looked up at him with big, wet eyes.

“You bet.” He laughed softly, confiding, “And I spelt my name wrong all the time.”

“How did you write it?”

“I wrote the “G” the wrong way.”

Jimmy looked confused, knitting his brows in frustration. “There’s a G in Beast Boy?”

“What? Oh,” Beast Boy laughed, realizing his mistake. “Um, no, I meant…” he decided to make this exciting and leaned in to whisper, “I meant my secret identity name.”

Jimmy gasped, eyes widening at the mention of secrets. “What is it?”

“Promise not to tell anyone?” Beast Boy grinned at him.

“I promise!”

“Okay.” Beast Boy looked to the left and right, as if to make sure no one was spying on him before he leaned in to whisper as dramatically as possible, “My name… is Garfield Logan.”

He chewed at his lip to keep from laughing when Jimmy gasped, looking as if his entire world had changed. “Woah…”

“Yep.” He laughed and gave him a wink. “This is just between you and me, okay?”

“Got it!” Jimmy actually smiled, which was a huge success in Beast Boy’s eyes.

“Let’s get back to the book,” he chuckled, flipping the page.

“Okay,” Jimmy beamed before leaning in to whisper right into his ear, “Garfield.”

He tried not to laugh, but he couldn’t help but give a little snort. He was so not used to hearing that name anymore. He cleared his throat before reading again, still going slow as he pointed at each word.

-----------------

“It was really sweet of you,” Raven told him, smiling at her tea. Her face evened out as she added, “Ms. Dimple and I think he might have dyslexia, but his mom doesn’t want to believe it.”

“Oh.” Beast Boy thought about how unconfident and distracted Jimmy was while he read. He hadn’t put it together at the time, but, “I guess that makes sense.”

“Yeah.” Raven sighed, glancing sideways at him. “Would you mind continuing to help him read? I’ve been trying, but… I think he’s intimidated by me for some reason.”

Beast Boy laughed a little, replying almost automatically, “Most guys are intimidated by pretty girls.”

He felt like a giant exclamation point smacked him in the face when he realized what he said. It just slipped out naturally! He immediately tried to tell himself that he shouldn’t feel weird or embarrassed from saying that - friends tell each other they’re pretty or handsome all the time, right?? Yeah! It was a normal thing to do!! He glanced at Raven, hoping she hadn’t taken his comment the wrong way.

“Uh…” she was definitely blushing, which was also normal - she probably wasn’t used to random compliments. Hell, who was? She ducked her head down, her short hair falling forward to cover her eyes. “Thank you?”

“Yeah,” Beast Boy laughed nervously, his mouth speaking without consulting his brain. “And guys are intimidated by smart girls, so that’s like 2 for 2!” He bit his tongue to stop himself, but thankfully Raven took that one a bit better.

“That might be it,” she mumbled. “I do talk about how I’ve read thousands of books… that could be intimidating.”

“I find that intimidating,” Beast Boy admitted, trying in vain to even imagine that many books in one room. “I’ve probably read, like, less than a hundred. If we’re talking novels.”

Raven didn’t know what to say to continue this line of conversation, which was usually fine for Beast Boy. He was used to saying something and being met with silence, signalling the end of dialogue - especially when it came to talking with her. Yet this time the silence felt awkward to him, like he should keep talking even though that’s what kind of what made him feel awkward in the first place. “Um, anyway,” Beast Boy laughed,rubbing at the back of his neck. “Yeah, I'll help him read.”

“Thank you.” Raven nodded.

Another cold stop, and he still felt awkward. Beast Boy took a long sip of his cocoa before starting again. “It’s amazing - we’ve only been called away from the library once on a mission. It’s like the villains support reading.”

“I’ve thought about that, too,” Raven admitted. “I’m not complaining.”

“Too bad they can’t be like that with other volunteer work,” Beast Boy chuckled a little. “Remember that time I was doing that charity play when Mad Mod attacked?”

“Of course I do.” Raven gave him a look. “Robin was angry you turned off your communicator.”

“I thought it might interfere with the play’s speakers!”

Raven chuckled softly, shaking her head. That seemed to be the end of that conversation, too, but Beast Boy felt a bit less awkward now and didn’t mind as much. Instead he started thinking about the kids, smiling as he recalled the way Charles wanted Lola to be the Viking and he would be the princess, but Lola didn't want to give up the princess dress. Or how Claire, their oldest at twelve years old, tucked herself away to draw in a flowery, spiral notebook, but would put it down occasionally to join the other kids for a puzzle or to help a kid read when he, Raven, and Ms. Dimple were busy. And, of course, he loved remembering how eager Jax was to talk turtles with anyone that dared to ask. That was how Sarah had made her move, the smart girl; she walked up to him all hesitant and shy, since according to Raven she doesn't have many friends her age, before asking what he liked best about turtles. After a long explanation she had nodded and asked, “Can I show you something I like now?”

The way Jax had looked, as if it was impossible for someone to like something other than turtles, still made Beast Boy want to burst out laughing. Then he turned shy and ducked his head down before mumbling an “okay.” In a few minutes, Sarah and Jax had huddled close, reading a book together and looking adorable.

Thus, Sarah succeeded where the adults had failed. Beast Boy looked forward to seeing those two become better friends; Sarah could broaden his interests and Jax could -

Oh, my god.

“I just thought of a joke!” Beast Boy exclaimed to Raven, brimming with excitement.

“Oh no,” Raven teased with a roll of her eyes.

Beast Boy didn't let that deter him as he started preemptively laughing. “Okay, so I was thinking about how Sarah can help get Jax interested in new things, right?”

Raven raised a brow, curious as to where this was going. “Yes?”

“Well,” Beast Boy could feel his cheeks starting to hurt from his smile. “In return, Jax can help get Sarah out of her shell.”

He didn't care if Raven groaned in displeasure - he knew that joke was hilarious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

SPECIAL NOTICE: I got the idea of Raven being unable to sleep well on certain nights due to Robin and Starfire’s *ahem* lovemaking from Ava Chanel’s BBRae fanfic “Black Honey,” which you can read the first chapter of here.

Click here for Author Notes and Readings of the books mentioned

#BBrae #Teen Titans #Teen Titans Fanfiction #Beast Boy #Raven #Reading Together #hope some people are enjoying this #because I am #annzy writes

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strikerverse · 6 years ago

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Dhamma 10 day Vipassana

A while ago I signed up for a meditation retreat (https://www.dhamma.org/), got approved to attend it, and have now just returned.

First, the logistics:

The retreat is 10 days long (+2 to account for arrival and departure days)

It is supposedly non-sectarian and non-religious

Every day starts at 4am and goes till 9pm

You meditate up to 10 hours a day, in stretches of 60 and 90 minutes

During the ten days, you don’t talk, read, or write, nor you do any heavy exercise (walking is OK)

Breakfast is at 6:30AM, lunch is at 11AM. At the lights out time at 9PM, you will not have eaten for 10 hours already

The course is completely free, donations are accepted only after you have finished the course

Keeping crazy hours, going off grid, minimising mental noise, and maxing out on meditation, looked to me like an excellent quadruple whammy to try out. I went in with very little expectations and then just let the process carry me.

To jump ahead a little, it was quite awesome, at times trippy, I learned a good few bits about myself as well as about my meditation and, at times, it was odd, annoying, and even infuriating, with the negative categories serving a meta game of extra holding-your-shit-together-ness.

The hardest part, of course, was to sit without fidgeting for long periods at a time. The longest back-to-back sessions were 90-60-90, with 15 minute breaks between them.

I feel quite ambivalent about the whole thing, however in the sum I think it was a strong net positive. Though if you are considering the course yourself, I would suggest doing some more softcore meditation first, e.g. using the headspace app or similar. Speaking of headspace: if you go through the 10 day trial and find out you’d like to try it out for longer, give me a shout and I’ll send you a code for a 30 day subscription.

Premises

The premises were top-notch. I had a private room with full control over a radiator, the meals were decent, the location was in countryside (an hour’s drive west of Gloucester in my case, but they have ~200 venues world-wide) with not much noise going on around, and the meditation hall (my first time to be in one) was spacious and appropriately lit/dimmed. You got a padded mat, and cushion on top of it to sit on, and there were also chairs for the ones who meditate that way, as well as people were bringing their own gear. Oh right, the total number of people was around 200 - way more than I'd have expected.

Oddities

The first thing to mention is that the meditation teacher is not an in-person human but rather a set of video and audio recordings made in 1991. The “assistant teacher” is essentially an iPad DJ, starting and stopping the tracks as per schedule. During the course he didn’t utter more than just a few “let’s take a short break” lines at the appointed times. So 99.5% of what you’ll hear, will be a recording made in the nineties.

The second oddity was the chanting. The teacher in the recording explains that these are not religious chantings, and that they are there to just put you in the right mood. For me they definitely did not do the job. If you can sit through five minutes of this, you’ll most likely be fine. The chanting happens three times a day during the core meditation sessions, three minutes in the beginning and three in the end, with the duration increasing quite a bit as the days went on. The coping mechanism I developed was to keep my eyes open during the chanting, as well as, not knowing Pali, imagining that the old man is reciting to me his shopping list.

The third oddity were the discourses—75 minute long sessions of recorded video playback each evening. If you can sit through 30 minutes of this without popping a vein, you’ll most likely be fine, too.

If you, just like me, can’t deal with either the discourses nor the chanting, you’ll still be fine, you’ll just be running the course on “hard” setting, making yourself more badass in the process.

Finally, the content itself while not necessarily sectarian or religious (a point the teacher insists on repeating), is not exactly secular either. At times stories are retold as “truths” and opinions/interpretations as “laws of nature”, all of which can be forgivable when you treat your teacher for what it is: a recording from nineteen-nineties of a grandpa explaining why it is important to eat cabbage five times a day and how that will allow you to reincarnate into a cave bat in your next life.

To sum it up:

There is chanting six times a day, at the start and end of the core meditation sessions

There are 75 minute long recorded “discourse” videos every evening

The content is not secular and can be described as mildly religious

The technique

For the first three days we were practicing just observing our breath. While the guidelines of the course suggest not to change anything, I did not see any real harm in counting the breaths to keep yourself focused: counting up to ten and then starting again. During these three days people will be making a lots of noise: fidgeting, sneezing, coughing, blowing noses, tooting, burping and, at times, giggling. Not because they wouldn’t be observing the “noble silence” but because some of them are very new to meditation

On day four, with much aplomb, vipassana is introduced, and it turns out to be your plain old body scanning. In the beginning the body scans are more meticulous and can take up to 20 minutes a sweep as you, in your mind, try to get a sense of each body part, but over days it becomes faster and more generic, up to doing a sweep in two breaths. With that also the mediation hall becomes a good deal quieter.

On day 10 “metta” is introduced, which is not a meditation technique, unless you consider “groaning nice words to push out your positive vibrations into the world” a technique, in which case by all means please go nuts with it.

Tripping balls

On day two I became hyperaware of noise (e.g. clattering of cutlery against dishes, shifting of chairs, birdsong)

Surprisingly quickly, the day-to-day mental echoes went away around day three

From around day four, my eyes started leaking randomly during meditation sessions due to what I’m guessing was just plain old relaxation

I started learning the exact duration of subjective time flow around day five, when I ramped down the daily meditation hours from full ~10 to about seven a day, skipping the two 90 minute optional blocks.

I had a mini breakthrough on day five when I gave up on my legs and became able to sit for 90 minutes without changing posture or fidgeting too much. The tracker in my watch started tracking my meditation sessions as “deep sleep”

On day 10 the noble silence was lifted and I found that (1) my voice had went up third of an octave and (2) I had suddenly become very thirsty. Ended up sitting in a corner, drinking water and humming to myself for the first hour.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

While there is a ton to be said about the unnecessity of the chanting, the datedness of the discourses, their shortcomings, the absence of explanation skills in the video-teacher, and the absolute lack of editing or revising an otherwise extremely ascetic and thought-through course, the practice was fantastic for focusing on yourself. The main point was also driven home rather clearly through the practice: that self-awareness and detachment (/equanimity) combined is a very powerful tool at the disposal of anyone. The clarity, or at least sense of clarity that came out if it, is quite intoxicating. I’ve definitely crawled out of the cave feeling stronger.

The good

The premises are excellent

The prolonged meditation + silence combo works and works really well

As it is completely no-strings-attached free, it fits all budgets

The bad

If your body gives out, you are faced with a choice between physical pain that is bit too intense to sink into vs mental boredom. A way to mitigate that would be to introduce an optional yoga session (yoga came around as means for people to meditate longer). The general dhamma policy is that yoga is ok, but that they don't have the premises, which has interestingly been the case for last 30 years

The course is ripe for a refresh—the original discourses were held at a very different time—meditation has now become more mainstream and has been successfully detached from spirituality, and so the topics the discourses address at times aren't relevant at all anymore, at least not in the western world

There was a weird gender thing going on where the course was run as two courses - the two groups were physically occupying different rooms - there was two of everything, the retreat space basically split in a left and right half, a "male course" and a "female course". I can only guess on the motivation but it feels like it would have to do with the situation of the still rather apalling state of womens rights in India. This is not India, however, and you could as well have gendered libraries. If one would like to go bit deeper on the gender front, the whole group was split in old male students, old female students, new male students, new female students. The four groups at times were given assignments one after the another, but the order always prevailed to be male->female.

The ugly

The chanting does very little for concentration and even less for setting the mood

The tone of all communication is prescriptive, lacking any explanations. It’s just “do this in this very specific way” without explaining the why

The teacher has a massive propensity towards extreme repetition. Extreme repetition. Addressing that and the verbal incontinence could allow reducing the evening courses from 75 minutes to 30, making them a great deal more palatable

#meditation dhamma vipassana

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indigo-streaks-in-her-hair · 7 years ago

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500 Follower Ask Celebration :)

welp, here we are with 500 beautiful lovelies reading our fics. when we first started this blog, we never imagined such a wonderful response. everyone is the nicest & we both can’t express how grateful we are for every one of you.

thank you so much for sticking by us, even during our rough times. your support means the world to the both of us, & you all keep us going more than you think. you all inspire us every single day, & never fail to make us laugh.

you, yes all of you, are the best followers in the whole damn universe. you’re all irreplaceable & extremely dear to us. we love you guys so much. words can’t begin to describe how we feel.

and so, since we literally can’t come up with anything else to do on this momentous occasion, our original plan for 500 was to reblog a long ass ask list for you guys to send in numbers, but since that would all be complicated on the matter of the two of us answering, we decided to just answer all these 45 questions.

you’ll find the questions and our answers under the cut! enjoy!

um she’s really lovely and sympathetic and true and magnificent and her name is summer and the most annoying thing about her is that she’s not annoying at all. -v

pretty much the fact that vic is better than me at e v e r y t h i n g . she’s so much more caring and generous and beautiful and she’s always there for me whenever i’m having a bad day or if i’m just lonely or whenever i need someone to talk to. she’s also super polite and hilarious as hell. -s

2 • least favorite tv shows?

oops sorry if i offend some people but i really don’t like vampire diaries, thirteen reasons why, gossip girl, or the uk version of the office. -v

i don’t, like,,,,, watch tv much so all honesty, i can’t really have an answer for this? sorry?? -s

3 • favorite moment with your best friend ( s ) ?

oh omg i was texting summer a few weeks ago discussing and finalizing which fic requests we were each going to be taking and we had that one request asking for a connor imagine in which him and the reader take zoe to get her wisdom teeth out so i said something around the lines of “i can take connor and the wisdom teeth” and i literally froze before following that up with “omg that could be a name for a band”. summer freaks out and we’re both laughing hysterically over text and we stop everything and just spit out crappy band names that include connor and various body parts like “connor and the tonsils” and “connor and the funny bone” and even “connor and the fractured pelvis” and we’re absolutely dying because we can’t stop cackling at this stupid thing i brought up which made me laugh out loud a hundred times and i ended up scaring my own grandmother when she saw me giggling crazily with my phone. she ended up cutting me a slice of pie because she thought there was actually something wrong and the pie might help me calm down. so if the person who requested “connor and the wisdom teeth” is reading this right now i just wanna say thank you for requesting and your idea is amazing and your fic will forever be iconic ily. -v

oh my god, i was literally going to say the exact same thing vic did, but i guess i can choose a different memory. one time vic posted a pic of a turtle on her sc story and i was like “girl omg” and she remembered that time she played the character Turtle in her school’s production of The Westing Game play and then we started reminiscing on our old nerdy memories like when a projected video didn’t work for her and she had to just say all the audio backstage, or the time after my school’s cheap ass production of the Wizard of Oz during curtain call i tried to quickly change from my farmhand costume to my tin man costume and i forgot to put my shoes on and i slipped and fell on my ass during curtain call (i also forgot to bow but unimPORTANT) and it was just so sweet and cute but honestly every moment with vic is the bEST. -s

4 • what’s one quality you would like to have?

hm i’ve always wanted lighter eyes, mine are this boring brown color. whenever i’m in sunlight, they become shot through with these bits of gold and amber and it’s super pretty and that’s the only time they really lighten up. it would be really nice if they were like that all the time. -v

my big nose and thin hair have been the #1 qualities i’m most self conscious of, so i would really like to either have a smaller nose, or thicker hair. my face is already super oily as is, but my nose is the worst part, and i’ve always hated how my nostrils are almost as big has my eyes. as for the thin hair, you always have to be cautious about what you do with it, because there’s so little of it. like, i’m hella prone to sweating, which sucks, so if i sweat too much, my hair can easily build up enough grease to look like i just got out of the shower in a matter of minutes. or if i sleep on it the “wrong way”, and portions of are crinkled awkwardly or sticking out, then that’s how it’s going to look the entire day. and i can’t do any cute hairstyles with it because it all will fall out. -s

5 • name three people of the same sex you would kiss, marry, or fuck.

kiss rachelle ann go, marry pippa soo, and fuck laura dreyfuss oops. -v

kiss pippa soo, marry eva noblezada, and as for the other one,,,, i’ll get back to you on that.. -s

6 • do you like your full name?

hell no it sounds so boring and standard. -v

hahahahahah, no way. -s

7 • tell me your most embarrassing memory.

erhm so many? how do i choose? i’ve tripped in front of crushes hundreds of times, i spelled a word wrong in a spelling bee that i really did know how to spell but my anxiety acted up and i panicked so badly, i ran into a sliding glass door literally yesterday, when i was little i sang in a public bathroom and everyone heard, i also fell out of a tree? does that make me evan hansen? -v

oh n o. there’s too much there, i swear. um, i got so nervous when someone asked me what my name was, i told them i was “helen”, but i think that was because i accidentally said “hell” too loud and tried to cover it up. i’ve tripped so many times on a flat ground. once i was crying in a public bathroom and a kid started banging on the door and told his mom that no one was in there, so before they got the staff to open the door, i panicked and hid my face in my sleeve as i ran out of there. omg there was also one time, a long ass time ago, someone asked me who my favorite member of one direction was and i didn’t know who they were because in my house we don’t listen to (at the time) contemporary music. not to mention anything in english?? but anyways, i’d heard of them but nothing about them, so me, trying desperately to fit in said “i like all four of them”. and they told me “there’s five”. there was also a time i was invited to this girl’s retreat thing in her youth group when we took a field trip to this pumpkin patch and they had this corn maze and we tried to go through it, but i got lost and nobody was around me and for some reason i thought everyone just left so i was terrified and crying and just started running straight through the corn. but then one of the other kids saw me and called me out to everyone and i was too embarrassed and anxious to say “i got lost”. there’s probably so many more memories and probably worse ones too, but in short, my life is a huge embarrassment. -s

8 • favorite color to wear?

pastel baby blue is my number one. i have this off shoulder blouse that’s this pretty sky blue color and white and i think it’s my favorite item of clothing. -v

i can’t make a lot of colors look good on me so usually i turn to black, gray, or any dark shade. -s

9 • favorite restaurant?

there’s a vietnamese place called “saigon diamond” in my city and it’s absolutely wonderful and i would go there every single day if i could. -v

i love this little place, it’s called “cafe vie” where they have boba tea, spring rolls, phở, all sorts of vietnamese food and it’s just so quaint and the food is the best there, honestly. i’m so hungry now. -s

10 • what would be a good first date for you?

take me to a broadway show and then dinner and i will be the happiest girl in the world. -v

vic pretty much took it away at “broadway show” for me. and dinner is hella important, food is so good. i don’t have high standards, but if you really want to make an impression on me, then i’m literally the biggest sucker for romantic gestures. -s

11 • are you a good wrestler?

thumb, yes. arm, no. full body contact, idk about that but i do know karate so i will fight you. -v

lmao, no. -s

12 • are you allergic to something?

up until the time i was five or something i was allergic to grass and i had to wear pants whenever i went outside and it was honestly horrible because i couldn’t play tag or run around like other kids my age. -v

i honestly don’t know but most bug bites i get can get hella blisters and really gross even if i don’t touch them. -s

13 • would you be a good singer?

i’ve been singing pretty much my entire life but it was only this year that i started gaining confidence with my voice so i guess i consider myself a good singer? i’m not completely there yet, though. -v

i really hope so. i’ve been a big choir nerd since i was 7 or 8 and i’m really passionate about singing, but that really has nothing to do with skill, i guess? i don’t really like the sound of my voice, but i’m pretty decent at harmonizing. -s

14 • who’s the last person you said “ i love you ” to?

summer aka the shining light in this dark world. -v

victoire aka the actual light of my life?? love you, vic -s

15 • what car would you buy if you had enough money?

um a porsche obviously because that shit is prime. -v

literally any car that doesn’t break down. as long as it can transport me from point a to point b without any troubles, then i am set. -s

16 • favorite cover of a song?

currently it’s that cover of ben platt singing “ stay ” that’s floating around tumblr rn and i think i had an eargasm when i listened to it the first time i was so shook. -v

i can’t pickk a favv omg. everyone is so frickin talented it makes me actually want to curl up and yell. -s

17 • what was your last conversation about?

coincidentally it was summer telling me we hit 500 and me proceeding to flip out. -v

hah, i don’t remember who it was with but i went around telling a couple people that my dad took my phone and i can only contact them from my crappy chromebook. -s

18 • where were you born?

good ol’ michigan in the usa where i still live today. come visit us because we have chocolate fudge, cereal, and eminem if you like that kind of shit. we also have lots of lakes and pretty places and we’re so cool we’re shaped like a fucking mitten. -v

kansas, where i also still live today. maybe i don’t get out much, but it’s kinda boring here,, -s

19 • least favorite app?

there’s this app on my uncle’s phone called “ chicken scream ” where this chicken has to jump onto platforms but to do that you have to scream and the octave of your voice determines how high the chicken jumps. seriously fucked up and i hate it but it’s hilarious watching people play it. -v

anything that can’t entertain me for more than two minutes. i have such a short attention span -s

20 • tell me two facts about the country of your birth.

um we have the largest air force in the world and we sell enough pizza every day to cover one hundred whole acres and no i am not lying i read this in a book ok bye. -v

uhhh… its abbreviation, “USA” stands for the United States of America, and it’s made up of 50 states. -s

21 • do you like wearing sunglasses?

actually i hate wearing sunglasses because they get tangled in my hair but if a pair looks good with my outfit then i will wear them for the sake of fashion. -v

i don’t wear sunglasses really at all, so i guess i can’t really have an opinion on them? -s

22 • when’s a good moment for a first kiss?

goodbye kisses are the best, do not tell me otherwise. walk me home and then kiss me goodbye at the door and i will be thinking about you all the damn time and i’ll can’t wait to see you. -v

i think for a first kiss it should be a very important thing, so whoever you have it with should be really close to you, and someone you know that even if things don’t work out, you can always look back on it as a positive memory. but what would i know? -s

23 • what are your nationalities?

i was born in america to immigrant parents who came from the philippines. along with the filipino blood, my great grandmother on my dad’s side was chinese, and my great grandparents on my mom’s side were spanish. -v

i was also born in america to immigrant parents, but they were from vietnam. my great grandparents on my mom’s side were chinese. -s

24 • what would make you drop college / university?

ha are you kidding me if i ever dropped out of any sort of education my strict asian parents would probably disown me and mushu the dragon would appear out of nowhere and give me that whole “ dishonor ” speech. -v

^damn vic, i couldn’t have said it any better. -s

25 • a crossover between two shows ( any shows ) you would like to see?

idk about any of you but a crossover between riverdale and doctor who sounds hella awesome. i’d definitely watch that. -v

frick;; i don’t watCH TV at like,,, all?? -s

26 • long or short hair?

on me? honestly i prefer to have long hair but i’ll go shoulder length if i’m really feeling brave or something. when i was little i had super short hair with bangs so i was basically an asian dora the explorer. -v

short hair, for sure. i used to have hair down to my waist when i was younger and that was probably the grossest thing about me because it was so disproportionate to my head/face and made me look like if E.T. had two long strands of black yarn on its head. but even before that ofc i had a bowl cut. what asian kid doesn’t have a bowl cut, honetsly. although, over the summer i don’t cut my hair so i can dye the ends, then have it cut when school starts. the farthest it goes down is barely past my shoulders. -s

27 • a character from a book / tv show that shouldn’t of died?

max lightwood from the mortal instruments book series was the purest bean, and he wasn’t even ten years old yet and that definitely broke my heart. as for tv characters, i sobbed for days on end when arthur from the bbc show merlin died. -v

um,,, crap idk. -s

28 • favorite movie scene?

pitch perfect two where ben platt’s character benji musters up the courage to kiss emily before the bellas go on. idk why but it’s so cute? maybe it’s just ben? -v

sidenote: vic, i love that scene. anyways, maybe that final scene in heathers where martha gets her one line. idk. -s

29 • do you ship more fictitional characters or real people?

fictional characters of course. who would i be without my otps? -v

definitely fictional characters. -s

30 • favorite country song?

i seriously despise country music. i just don’t like it. it’s bleh. i don’t really know half the artists or their songs so i can’t have a favorite. -v

frickin “your man” by josh turner. i’m seriously kidding. i don’t listen to country music efiouhadjhdsilvb -s

31 • favorite john green book?

it’s tied between “ paper towns “and ” looking for alaska “ because both are equally cryptic and beautiful at the same time and i love when books are like that. -v

heck, i really like “looking for alaska” -s

32 • least favorite ed sheeran song?

oh come on. i love ed. you can’t expect me to pick a least favorite. but when it comes to the song i skip over most of the time it has to be ” even my dad does sometimes “ from multiply ( x ). -v

uhhhhmmmm… hell if i know -s

33 • favorite ship?

malec from shadowhunters will always be my otp until the day i die. the ship is so diverse and has so much chemistry and if you read the books magnus and alec are so in love i can’t handle. -v

i don’t frickin knowwww. i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now. i’m so sorry if all of my answers are like this, i’m literally the most indecisive person in the actual world. -s

34 • how do you deal with sexual tension?

uM -v

uM -s

35 • name a celebrity who died that you miss.

our queen carrie fisher. i grew up with star wars always on my tv and when i heard of her passing i cried and rewatched ” the force awakens “ with blankets and two boxes of tissues. -v

there’s really too many to choose from, and thinking about all of the happy memories they’ve brought to me and everyone is just getting me so emotional. -s

36 • favorite harry potter spell?

i’m really fucking basic but ” lumos “ is the best. it’s so simple. it’s light. and idk why that resonates with me but i just think everyone needs a little light these days. -v

i literally said “lumos” too, but now i’m going to choose “riddikulus” because turning boggarts into something funny proves that anyone can find humor in their biggest fear. -s

37 • something you are scared of losing?

my family. there’s no way in hell i’d make it through life without my little brother or my grandparents who are there for me. -v

i’m terrified of losing the few friends i have. everyone i used to know didn’t have a single hesitation in forgetting me or even trying to lose contact with me. -s

38 • someone you regret meeting?

i could make you a list and tell you what each one did to make me regret even looking at them but i don’t wanna go out on a full on bitch rant about these people who ended up wasting my time. but i’ll just say i’ve met my share of shitty human beings. -v

too many. there have been too many people who’ve hurt me or betrayed me or have honestly made me feel like a horrible person, and i really wish i could forget every last one of them. little tip: it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known a person, it doesn’t excuse any sort of bullshit or betrayal they’ve done. -s

39 • have you ever been hurt by someone you thought was your friend?

yes and it’s caused a lot of emotional and mental issues. i’ve been backstabbed and used so many times and i just wish i could stop being stupid and blind for not seeing it in the first place. -v

god, yes. i wish it didn’t take me this long and this much damage to realize i shouldn’t have been throwing around my trust or my yearning to be accepted so lightly. getting hurt by the people you thought cared about you most is the most awful feeling, especially knowing that every single act of kindness and sympathy and love to them meant nothing. -s

40 • do you easily open up to people?

yes and no, actually. it ultimately depends on the person and whether i have a connection with them. -v

it’s really hard to open up to people in real life because i don’t know if they’re confidently lying to my face or will use my own words against me to people who also know me irl. but online it’s easy to open up to my friends there because i can find people who understand shit i go through and actually take the time to give a crap. -s

41 • what is a gift you love receiving?

hugs. i love hugs. gimme all the hugs you got, boo. -v

damn, v knows exactly what i’m going to say. i love hugs so frickin much, but honestly any sort of affection is all i need, like, smooches? yes?? compliments? absoLUTELY?? cuddles??? MARRY ME?!?! -s

42 • what is something you could leave easily?

erhm maybe my notebooks? i usually journal in them but not that often anymore. -v

probably hair clips. i really can’t do anything with them, and on me they’re really tacky. -s

43 • rant about what’s eating you up.

i’d really rather skip this one if anyone doesn’t mind, i’m sure i’d go on for a hundred paragraphs about my stressful life plus i’m sure it would annoy you. and my problems are the kind of personal ones i’m not comfortable putting out in public yet. -v

i really agree with vic here, i don’t want to be a huge bother to y’all and it’s really a touchy and personal subject here. -s

44 • if you could make a phone call to anyone right now, who would it be and what would you say?

i’d call ben platt, tell him how much i love him and how much i love the show and whole cast, all while screaming and shaking. -v

i was going to freaking say ben platt too, seriously. i wish i could thank him for how much his representation of evan and the build up of his character has made me find something to relate to and learn to appreciate myself more, even in the slightest. i’d also love to tell him that he shouldn’t have to feel apologetic for doing the things he does to take care of himself physically and mentally, and his fans should be more than supportive of him taking care of his well-being. i’d also ask him to tell the rest of the cast, creative, and standbys how much i seriously appreciate them, but honestly i’d be speechless if i knew he was on the other end of the line. -s

45 • are you easy to love?

aw yes. people say i’m lovable. i’m been compared to a teddy bear before. it’s happened, trust me. -v

i should hope so, but not very many people like to stick around me. i mean, i try to be someone worth loving and i’m more than happy to spill out all of my love to anyone who just asks politely <3. -s

#violate victoire #stalk summer

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inloveandwords · 6 years ago

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For those of you who are new around here, TeaChats are a monthly post that I do in which I pretend that you and I are going out and grabbing a cup of tea (or coffee or wine) and we’re chatting about what we’ve been up to lately.

Let’s chat!

Photo by Mikey Dabro on Pexels.com

Does anyone else have this wash of sadness hit them every so often after Christmas?

There is so much build-up to the holiday and then it feels like it is over in a flash and no matter how much I try to live in the moment, I always feel like it wasn’t nearly long enough. I didn’t even take a single picture or video this year because I wanted so badly to focus on the girls.

Especially now that my girls are the absolute perfect age to feel the Christmas magic (6yo & 4yo), I feel particularly sad now that Christmas is over.

The girls woke us up at 4am and I was just as excited as they were that I had no problem popping out of bed and watching them open their gifts. Their joy and excitement was worth the lost hours of sleep.

It’s back to the grind tomorrow and I’m searching desperately for the rewind button.

Anyway… onward to the usual TeaChat updates:

At Present I Am…

Reading

Cards of Love: Five of Cups by Trisha Wolfe in Kindle and Mr. Nice Guy by Jennifer Miller and Jason Feifer on audio (thanks to Peachy who recommended it to me!).

I have Finnikin of the Rock (Lumatere Chronicles #1) by Melina Marchetta sitting next to me, but have yet to start it just yet because I JUST finished Up in the Treehouse by KK Allen.

Watching

BookTube!

youtube

Meltotheany started a BookTube channel and I already know I’m going to be obsessed! She’s such a kind, genuine, beautiful soul and it has always come through her posts, but she somehow manages to be even lovelier on video.

Also – she’s half Filipino, like me, so… extra points.

Consuming

Baked chicken and brussel sprouts.

Ok. Hear me out.

This isn’t as boring as it sounds and I wish I had a picture, but I keep forgetting to take one.

My sister shared a recipe with me for making the most delicious, moist, healthy baked chicken ever and I’ve been making it at least twice a week.

The best part is that the girls love it, too! THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

Anyway, I am the #1 worst person at writing recipes because I measure nothing and this recipe is extremely versatile.

Essentially, you take your chicken breasts and soak them in salted water for the length of time you are chopping your veggies for your sides and prepping anything else.

Then you tenderize them (put them in a ziplock bag and beat the sh*t out of them), then place them on a pan with enough chicken stock and lemon juice to just barely come up the sides of the chicken breasts.

Next, you season them with … well… a ridiculous amount of basically everything. (Cut back on the salt to make it healthier.)

I like to add lemon pepper, poultry seasoning, any fun mixed seasonings I have (like Cajun and roasted garlic seasoning), garlic powder, onion powder, a little bit of parmesan cheese, turmeric, chili powder… it sounds crazy, but I promise it’s delightful.

I cook it in the oven at 350 for 40ish minutes depending on the size and voila! You have the most tender, flavorful, healthy chicken!

As for the brussel sprouts, I just trim off the stem, cut them in quarters, toss with salt, pepper, garlic powder, chopped onion, and olive oil and bake them for as long as I bake the chicken and they’re tender, yet crispy and yummy!

Listening to

Thank U, Next by Ariana Grande.

youtube

I’m so basic, but I freaking love this song. I love the message and I think it works for any relationship, not just romantic.

I’ve had many friends come and go throughout the years and instead of holding grudges if those relationships fizzle out or change, I try thank those people for the memories and move the eff on.

There are SO MANY absolutely amazing and interesting people in the world, there is no reason to waste your time chasing after relationships you’ve outgrown or people who don’t inspire you in some way.

Obsessing over

Lipstick.

I know, it’s kind of random, but I’ve loved makeup since my big sister showed me what eyeshadow was and recently I’ve been super into wearing bold(er) lip colors than I usually do.

I think maybe it’s just those winter vibes, but I went a little bit crazy during ColourPop’s big sale and bought waaaaaay too many of the Lux and Ultra Blotted lipsticks.

#noregrets

Also, side note, the other day after I was getting ready, The Hubs walked into the room and said, completely out of the blue, “I love that you do all this [my hair and makeup] for your own enjoyment and not for me or anyone else.”

He can be kind of amazing. He tells me I’m beautiful when I definitely look like Gollum and then when I take 2 hours to get ready, he says that.

I think I’ll keep him.

What’s Next

I’m back at work (boo) and my weekends are filling up fairly quickly. I have my great nephew’s 1st birthday party this weekend, my dad’s birthday, and book club.

Tell me… what have you been up to lately? What’s up next?

TeaChat: Christmas Melancholy and Lipstick For those of you who are new around here, TeaChats are a monthly post that I do in which I pretend that you and I are going out and grabbing a cup of tea (or coffee or wine) and we’re chatting about what we’ve been up to lately.

#personal #teachat

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myquarantinediary2020 · 5 years ago

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Day ???

From now on I’ll title these by date, but right now it’s really April 6th, but the night of April 5th. Does that make sense? Honestly, I don’t care.

I highly doubt anyone will ever see this, but in case that happens I’m going to make a disclaimer. English is my first and only language, but I suck at it. My grammar is poor, and without spell check my spelling is awful. Pretty embarrassing for a 25 year old woman who grew up in an English speaking household, but oh well. This blog is going to basically a stream of conscious. You ever feel like you can’t just rant about your problems to people, because you fear it’ll bore them or they won’t care, or they’ll avoid you and your negative thoughts? Yeah, same. That’s why I’m here. If you read this, hopefully you can either relate, or are entertained. Or both. Preferably both. Is there a description box I should be putting this in? I should’ve looked into that before writing, but I didn’t. I’ll probably find that description box later on and regret typing this here, but I’m just going to leave this as is and if anything copy and paste. Again, I don’t care. I plan on being very honest about my what I do daily and, most importantly, my every day feelings. I’m not making any promises, because in the back of my mind I always fear about people I know finding something like this and knowing thoughts I keep to myself. In person I appear to be a pretty open person, but I’m actually incredibly private about my feelings and I’m trying to change that.

Anyways. Today really, really sucked and that’s why I’m here. I’ve cried for the past hour and feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I am blessed that I have great friends who I’m sure if I called would listen to me cry and comfort me, but there’s few things that I hate more than people seeing me in a “weak” state. Crying is NOT weak, but I’ve engraved that association into myself and have trouble letting anyone other than my mother see or hear me cry.

I’m social distancing by myself. By choice? Kind of. I was social distancing for almost 3 with someone I’ve been kind of seeing on and off for the past 9 months. Then I was basically told to go home. That’s a story for another day. I have family in this city I can go to, but I want to hold onto any freedom I have by not staying with family. I could stay with my aunt, but her and her husband are newly wed and I feel like I’d be intruding. I could stay with my grandparents, but then I’d be basically letting go of any privacy I have. My father lives in a neighboring province, but we don’t have a healthy relationship and it would be very bad spending an extended period of time with him in a space where neither of us can really leave. I’d be trapped. My mother lives in a different country, so that doesn’t help. And, with any of these people, I know I’d be constantly bombarded with the question “are you looking for a job?” Which I know they only ask, because they love and care about me, but this question makes my anxiety spiral and I’m already not in a great place right now.

I got laid off March 13th (which is a Friday the 13th, how fitting), because I am a server and although restaurants hadn’t officially shut down in service yet, it was inevitable. I hardly have any savings, because I’m irresponsible and haven’t been able to get employment insurance as yet and blah blah blah. I’ll get into it all more later on. Maybe today, maybe not. Honestly, it all just depends on how tired I am and whenever this writing “inspiration” drains down to “E.” “E” as in like empty on a fuel tank. Maybe you got it, maybe you didn’t until I explained it. If you didn’t understand you are welcome for my explanation. Okay, moving on.

Let’s do a play-by-play of my day. I plan on this being kind of like reality TV, but you have to read it. So....... less fun. Or maybe more fun if you like reading more than watching TV. I don’t know. I don’t care. If you got this far, thank you.

My memory sucks, but I’ll recap as best as possible. I love how I just said that as if any of you actually know what I did in my day and would know if I’m missing something.

Also, I just want to say this one time, before I start. I will also most likely only say this once. Anything I am upset about for whatever reason is validated. I know there are people who are worse off than me. I know there are people who are praying to only have the “problems” that I have right now. But you know what? That doesn’t mean my feelings are invalid for any reason. My problems are MY problems and what I can and cannot deal with mentally or physically is not dependent on the struggles of others. I do, and will continue to, pray and hope for better days of those who are worse (and better) off than I. That being said, if at any point you feel the need to make a comment (can you even comment on here? I don’t know, but either way...) about how you don’t think my problems are real problems, then you can just exit the screen and go do something else. Save that for something else.

I woke up, did the usual. Brushed my teeth. Peed. Morning poop. Then I went for a run. I only run a mile right now, because I have asthma and- actually you don’t care. I ran a mile. Went home, did some yoga and took a shower. Then, I made breakfast. I had avocado toast with a fried egg and some fruit (typical millennial). Brought my breakfast outside, and sat on my balcony while I ate, people watched, and facetimed my friend while we worked on and prepped our podcast that we’re releasing tomorrow. Or I guess today since it’s past midnight.

While I opened my laptop, I noticed I got an email from amazon that somebody tried to long into my account in China. China?!!?!?!?!?! I live in Canada! It took me a while to sign into my account properly, but who knows what else they tried to sign into. Then, when my friend and I were trying to get our episodes to be set up to release the next day on multiple platforms, we realized that it won’t show up on some of those platforms for a few days and so that was very frustrating, especially considering we already publicly announced the release date a week prior. Then, my friend and I did shit all while we talked on the phone for 9 hours. Yes, 9. We’re basically trapped in our houses, what else are we supposed to do? Don’t judge.

We got off the phone and this is where everything went downhill. There’s 7 light bulbs out in my condo. Yes, 7. Stop judging. No, these aren’t typos. I already mentioned I’m irresponsible, so why are you surprised? When I found out we had to stay inside and avoid other humans, I made myself a promise.

I will [at least attempt to] try to accomplish [most of the] things that I’ve been putting off for the longest time.

Was that a proper use of those types of brackets? I don’t know. And..... you guessed it! I don’t care.

So, one of those promises was to change those light bulbs. The other day I bought 8 light bulbs and today was going to be the day. First I went to the bathroom. One of the lights above the mirror burned out. I changed it. I felt success. I excitedly put the cover back over the light just to feel all my excitement drain right back out of me as I realized that the bulb I bought was too big and so the cover couldn’t fit back on. Also the light bulb flickers. I was like alright, not the worst, I’ll just take a working bulb from the hallway (which also needed a few changed). I tried to change those, just to find out they were GU24 bulbs. Do you know what that even is???? It’s okay, I didn’t either. It’s a light bulb that plugs in, instead of screws. WHY my place just can’t have regular light bulbs is beyond me. I felt pretty defeated, because I have a problem of starting things and not finishing them, and another promise I had made to myself was to actually finish tasks. Finding out I wasted money on 8 light bulbs I can’t use AND I can’t change my light bulbs at all was pretty disappointing.

After that I tried to rant on Instagram, but my phone has been acting up and now won’t record any audio if I record a video. I can’t take my phone into the Apple Store, because they’re all closed. I can’t send my phone in, because I need it, especially since I live alone.

Then I tried complete my employment insurance report, because I finally got my access code in the mail. I’m pretty sure I put something wrong, because now it says I have to call them. Do I want to call them? Absolutely not. The lines are going to be crazy, because everyone is calling. This also will likely delay my payments which I really need, because I haven’t worked in 3 weeks.

This is when I broke down. I’ve been feeling like a failure, more so recently, and this just felt like the icing on the cake. I’ll go into this more later on (mostly because I’m tired and need to wrap this up) but I feel like I’m going through a quarter life crisis right now and have accomplished nothing in life. I feel like I should know how to properly fill out an employment insurance application, but then again I’ve never needed it before, so how and why should I know how?

Ugh. Honestly I’m wrapping this up now, because I’m tired. I’ll try and write at least once a day. I’m not promising I will though, so don’t expect it. I’m not promising I’ll do anything. I’d like to add a photo that represents something about my day. Preferably, something positive. If I don’t add one to this post, it’s because I couldn’t find one, or forgot.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. I genuinely appreciate it. Tomorrow I’ll go more into why this is all so stressful to me and all that. No promises though. It just actually feels good to write out how I’m feeling. It’s 2:20 am currently and it’s time to drift into sleep.

Actually hold on. One thing I do want to do is at least end with one positive thing about the day. I want to at least try to do this every time, because if I just constantly dwell in the negatives of my day to day life, I’ll probably go crazier.

The positive: talking to my friend for 9 hours. I’m actually so grateful to have a friend that I am able to talk to seamlessly for hours on end. She has the most beautiful soul and I am so blessed to have a friend like her in my life.

Okay, goodnight. Chat soon.

2:23am.

#quarantine #stayhome #anxiety

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noiseartists · 5 years ago

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Whimsical Releases Third Album 'Remembers The Early Days'

For fans of Whimsical, a shoegaze/dream pop band that has been around since the summer of 1999 and released two successful albums, the good news is a third album is coming your way Nov. 5, 2019.

“Bright Smiles, Broken Hearts” will be released in digital and CD formats, and—fingers crossed— vinyl, if presale orders reach their goal. Vinyl lovers take note, order your copy now or forever lose the opportunity to have a real record. Go Here by Oct. 28. If the minimum is not met, there will be no vinyl.

Whimisical: the story

I recently talked to Krissy Vanderwoude, vocals, and Neil Burkdoll, guitar/music about how the band got started and where they are today.

Although Vanderwoude and Burkdoll grew up in the same town (St. John, Ind.) and went to the same middle school, it wasn’t until high school that they became friends. “I was a huge fan of Neil’s first band Mystified Thinking. It was comprised of all my friends,” says Vanderwoude.

One day in 1995, Vanderwoude went over to Andy Muntean’s house, who was the drummer for Mystified Thinking, where they were working on what would be the band’s last recording.

“I remember showing up in Andy’s basement and Neil says, ‘Hey, do you want to put some guest vocals on this song?’” says Vanderwoude.

“So with no preparation or practice, I recorded these vocals. And that was the first time I was ever recorded singing.”

The band broke up when everyone graduated from high school and went their separate ways. Meanwhile, Burkdoll decided he wanted to start a new band that was the opposite of the music he had been writing, which centered mostly about depression and sadness.

“Whereas my previous band came from a darker side, Whimsical was supposed to be the lighter, more pop side,” says Burkdoll. “And my thinking was, ‘Krissy can sing and I will play guitar.’”

So over the next few years and after a few false starts, where lineups changed as he tried to find the right musicians, in the summer of 1999, the guitarist finally landed on the right combination. That ended up being Tim Fogle on drums and Joe Santelik on bass, and they were finally ready to record.

The last unknown element to Whimsical’s birth was whether Vanderwoude could write melodies and lyrics to Burkdoll’s songs.

“I had been writing songs for years,” he notes, “but Krissy had absolutely no experience. There was no guarantee that she could do this, and I couldn’t write lyrics to save my life.”

But destiny fulfilled her role, because as it turned out, despite her lack of training and experience, Vanderwoude took to the task like a duck takes to water. “She was immediately able to write melodies and lyrics that I thought were great,” says Burkdoll.

To this day, Vanderwoude does not know how she was able to do what she did back then and still does today.

“It perplexes even me,” she laughs. “Remembering back to this time, I can’t believe I was even confident enough to try. I had zero background. If you showed me a sheet of music and asked me to read or sing it, I would not have a clue.”

“Even today, I don’t have a technical approach” she continues. “I’m very grateful this is so natural for me, because I don’t know where it comes from. I guess it’s the same with anyone who wants to write a song. You hear a melody and try it. I’m just grateful Neil heard something in that first Mystified Thinking song to take a gamble on me,” she says.

And so the band released its first 11-song album “Setting Suns are Semi-Circles” on Oct. 1, 2000 through Seraph Records.

The second album, “Sleep To Dream” did not come out until 17 years later and even then, destiny once again played a role. From 2000 to 2005, the band was playing regularly at least once a month in the Chicago area. Although Whimsical opened for bigger bands, the audience was not growing.

“It turned into a job,” says Burkdoll. “It didn’t seem like anything was happening for us. We started thinking ‘Why are we doing this?’” Another factor for him was being pulled in other directions. “I’d always been in two or three bands simultaneously, and the other bands were more fun at that time.”

Vanderwoude also was now married and pregnant with her first child, and her priorities were changing as well. So despite writing and recording 90% of the album, the duo decided to take a break at the end of February 2005.

“We just needed to take a step away, because our hearts were not in it,” she explains.

Fast forward to 2015 where Burkdoll was now living in Carpinteria, Calif. with a wife and two kids, and Vanderwoude was in Griffith, Ind. with her two kids. One day, Burkdoll is rummaging through some old boxes in the garage and what does he find? The hard drive with all the Sleep To Dream songs on it.

Destiny came into play again when Wyatt Parkins, founder of Saint Marie Records, who had already agreed to release Sleep to Dream, asked if Whimsical still wanted to do the album.

“So that was the catalyst,” says Burkdoll. “Krissy and I only had to finish that last 10%. Unfortunately, I could not access the files. I ended up having to pay $500 to have a computer IT guy extract them and upload to a new hard drive. But sure enough, they were all in there. I hadn’t heard any of those songs in more than 10 years.”

And so “Sleep To Dream” was released in February 2017 on Saint Marie Records. It featured Andy Muntean on drums and Brian Booher on bass and Mark Milliron on guitar.

The decision to work on a third album did not come without its challenges for the musical duo. For one, while Burkdoll had been in other bands that released albums since 2005, he had not written any Whimsical music. “I finally wrote ‘Last Dance,’ which was me trying to see if I could even write this style of music anymore,” he says.

The second challenge was the space between them. “We lived nowhere near each other,” notes Vanderwoude. “And, I had no clue how to record. So Neil helped me set up a home studio to record my vocals. I would not have been able to do anything musical without his help.”

As a way to practice learning how to record herself and to get used to working with one another again, they decided to record a series of cover tunes as well as some older songs that had never made it onto any album. This collection came about as “Brought To Light,” which released in May 2016. It included covers of Slowdive, Siouxie & The Banshees, Lycia, the Lilys and even Tommy James & The Shondells.

“We were doing a ton of cover songs for fun and releasing them one at a time,” explains Vanderwoude. “It was a way to get me set up to record at home, and have Neil help me perfect the process,” says Vanderwoude.

Burkdoll estimates he finished the last song for the third album sometime around Christmas of 2018. Although Vanderwoude had been recording vocals along the way, this meant that she had to finish the album by spring of 2019, all the while continuing to write with her other band The Churchhill Garden.

Krissy has done several collaborations in the past, by singing with bands such as Seasurfer, Fir Cone Children, Xeresa, Echolust, The City Gates and Black Swan Lane, but she decided to put any additional collaborations on the backburner, in order to fully focus on writing and recording for Whimsical.

The album mastering, done by Andrew Rose of Pristine Audio, Saint-Méard-de-Gurçon, France, was finished in April 2019. Since then, the pair has been working on everything it requires to self-release an album.

The video for the first single, “I Always Dream of You” was released on Monday, September 30 along with streaming-only versions on Bandcamp and Soundcloud.

This will be followed by a remix of the song by The Daysleepers, which will be premiered on DKFM on Friday, Oct. 11 at 8 p.m. Eastern. Second single, “Earth Angel,” will come out before the official record release on Nov. 5, and then two more singles after that.

After the official release, also look for remixes by Blush Response for the song "This is Goodbye," "Solace" by The Churchhill Garden, and Airiel is putting its own spin on "Trust."

Where to listen and buy

For a variety of reasons, the decision was made to self-release rather than go through Saint Marie again. And while the digital and CDs are a sure thing, the expense of having vinyl pressed required going down the crowdfunding route.

Qrates was chosen as the vendor, and if pre-sale orders reach the quota by Oct. 28, the record will be manufactured. Fans should expect to wait at least two to three months before they will have a copy in their hands, but can be enjoying the digital music in the meantime.

For new fans not familiar with Whimsical’s sound, you can hear a 5-minute preview of the nine songs by visiting the vinyl preorder at the link above or by going to this link to listen to the pre-release video on YouTube.

To preorder the digital or CD versions, go to Bandcamp. While there, you can also check out all their earlier releases.

Even Slowdive is waiting for the album’s release (see tweet above) :-)

Social Media

You can connect with Whimsical at:

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

#USA #Dream pop

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