#also this wont happen because no one but me and you guys loves western anymore

[bunnys-beetlejuice-blog]

not to be delulu but u guys what if i went full 50 shades with cowboys NOT HORNY but just. rename the characters get it published sell a million copies and then someone makes a movie. wouldnt that be fucking insane?? you all would be sitting in the CINEMA like. wow. this was a cringe beetlejuice fic.. and i read it.... i was at ground zero..........

[harrison-abbott]

Travel Poetry - Greece

GREECE

Every account I’ve written thus far about

My experiences in different countries has

Been positive. In mood, I mean. [At least

I hope they’ve come across that way.]

My experience in Greece was very different.

But I thought I’d write about it anyway.

I went to Corfu, Greece, in the summer

Of 2017. With my old girl, who I’ve also

Mentioned several times so far. Basically,

As you have probably already guessed:

Our holiday in Greece was supposed to be

A relationship-saving trip; but, it signalled

The downfall of our thing. I wont bore you

With the details of the mortal romance.

I’m sure many of us have stories of

Relationships in decline. It can be rather

Like a drawn-out fever, when you know

That the bond is dying, and there is little

You can do to try and resuscitate it, and,

For some bizarre reason, you stay with

The other person, even though the deal

Is deteriorating right in front of you.

Suddenly her gold hair and green eyes

Weren’t as magic anymore. Anyways.

Physically – there was nothing wrong

With Corfu. It was exquisitely beautiful.

I remember on the first night going down

To the beach, and the sun went down across

The sea, in a seismic celestial show, with

All kinds of reds and oranges, mixed with

The wispy final-clouds in the sky; was like

Some Impressionist classic, or the climax

Of a movie, following a happy ending.

And, on the horizon you could see the

Hills from the other side of the island.

This was proper, rural Greece: and you

Could see right here why this nation had

Been a cornerstone for Western civilisation.

I had read the philosophy classics back,

Of Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, etc etc etc,

In my first year at university, and loved them.

And, coupled with the splendour of these

Surroundings, I understood why those

Men were inspired to try and make sense

Of the sheer wonder of their planet:

The Grecian islands were that pretty.

But, perhaps ‘rural’ was the incorrect word.

Because we were basically living in a resort

For seven nights. And, I found it total Hell.

There were lots of fat, middle aged people

Walking around. And there weren’t any

Museums in the nearby town. It literally

Only had a pair of supermarkets and that

Was about it. … I hung out at the pool one

Night and I got speaking to this man who

Was from Yorkshire. I was just speaking

About various things since he could speak

English as well, and we were both drinking

At the bar. I mentioned I was from Scotland.

And, he responded by saying, “Oh, yeah,

My grandfather was from Scotland. So,

I’ve got a bit of the Scottish poison in me

As well.” I shit you not – that’s what he said.

The fact that he chuckled after saying it,

As if I would take it as casual banter as well,

Was doubly unsettling. So I went back to

My room after that. … Across the week,

There, I did do a bit of writing, too.

But, man, the heat was 35 degrees, non

Stop, and it was hard to concentrate on

Just about anything. There were a few rare

Moments with my old girl, when she

Was in a brighter mood. We sat by the

Pool and she told me some stories. From

Her girlhood. Not every story was cheerful,

But at least she was speaking to me, still.

She recanted one about when she was

A girl, on holiday with her parents, and

She tried to jump on a floating bed in the

Pool, from the poolside. And, the bed

Buckled under her and she sank right

To the bottom of the pool, in the deep end.

And, because she was only six, she didn’t

Know how to swim, or get back up,

And was basically submerged in the pool

For tens of seconds, inhaling water.

Her parents hadn’t noticed her fall in.

And it was only another guy, a stranger,

Who happened to notice this odd shape

Under the water. He jumped in, and lifted

Her out. She threw up chlorine pool-water

For several minutes, coughing and spluttering.

She had very nearly died. She said that

When she was underneath the surface

She was scraping at the tiled walls of the

Pool and hollering for her mum and dad.

But they couldn’t hear her.

And, it was insane to think how she might

Not be here right now, as a twenty something

Year old woman, telling me this, if it hadn’t

Been for that stranger man who rescued her.

[And, I still loved her, by the way. With

Her tinkly, musicbox voice, and Polish accent.

You must think me a loser to still be

Writing about her after such a long time.

I suppose that’s what love does to some people.]

There aren’t many other stories about Greece.

I would like to go to Athens in the future,

In order to re-try the nation. I’m sure if

I experienced it in a cultural way, I would

Dig it a lot better. From the week I spent

There, it was largely a long, heat-addled

Nightmare, full of unhappiness.

But, the supermarkets did sell really cheap,

Voluptuous fruit and vegetables. As in,

Proper foods that were grown locally.

I remember the olives and the tomatoes,

All ripe and proper. They didn’t taste like

The stuff I knew from Morrison’s

Back home – they tasted proper. And I

Would go swimming in the daytimes.

And there would be a tremendous thrust

Of the waves coming inland from the sea,

That, as I floated on my back, would lift

Me up in steady half-violence. And by

The evenings my hair would be all thick

With the pure seat salt that’d gotten into

The strands. … And, do you know the whole

Irony of the holiday? I regret not making

The most of it when I was there, and

I wish I could go back in time and do things

Differently with that full week I spent there.

I suppose notions like regret can be

Important teaching methods.

[nanonaturalist]

When I were a lad I had the unfortunate luck to sit on on a yellow jacket nest, step on another a week later and then a hornet nest a week later. I developed a phobia and now my heart races even if a fly buzzes past my ear. I have done some emersion therapy by walking in a lavender field while honey bees were working.. but I still fear bee-ish creatures. I love them and I plant them flowers, but I want to be less afraid. What can I do?

Hello, @keepcalmandcarrieunderwood, I’ve been thinking about your question a lot, and this is a really hard one to answer. The obvious first step in getting over a fear of anything is wanting to get over that fear. When you have so many traumatic experiences so close together, especially when you’re young, it will take a lot of work to train your mind to be more comfortable around black and yellow striped things. So first off, congratulations on wanting to be more comfortable about our stripey friends! The good news is, you can do it!

Warning: wall of text precedes bug photos! Also this got Looooooong sorry (not sorry)

Fun fact about me: I have a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology (from way back in 2005). And one of my favorite things about studying psychology was learning about classical and operant conditioning. You are probably already familiar with both of these. 

In classical conditioning, two stimuli are paired (they may or may not be at all related), and your reflexive, unconscious response to one gets associated to the other. This phenomenon was popularized with Pavlov and his digestive experiments with dogs (dogs salivate when a bell rings in the absence of food, because the bell has been paired with food many times previously). In your case, the two stimuli are actually very closely related (seeing/hearing things that might be stinging insects, and being stung by stinging insects). Because many organisms rely on learning quickly about danger for survival, it can only take one such pairing to develop a very long-lasting response to something. 

In operant conditioning, behaviors are punished or rewarded, which can result in an individual’s behavior changing given the right circumstances. The behavior change is not necessarily conscious. A lot of interesting stuff in our brains happens outside of view from us. Say you look into a cactus flower once and you see a really cool beetle. Neat! You’re going to start looking into cactus flowers a lot more often. And if you keep seeing neat beetles, oh boy those cactus flowers better look out. Even if those flowers start turning up empty, you’ll still keep peeking in them for a while, even if you are in a situation where it’s really not appropriate to keep peeking into cactus flowers (apologies to people on my last guided hike…). I’ll get back to operant conditioning in a minute.

You may have heard about a common treatment for anxiety disorders called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I’m a big fan of this method, because it asks you to re-evaluate your thoughts, as you are having them, to restructure your gut reaction to a situation into a less emotionally-charged one. In other words, you have a fear resulting from classical conditioning–it’s totally reflexive and unconscious, and you had no control over the creation of your phobia. The problem is, phobias can become self-sustaining with the help of operant conditioning. Basically: Bee > PANIC! > flee > relief! The act of removing yourself from bee-like insects will give you relief from the fear, and makes you more likely to avoid bee-like insects in the future. But, you don’t want to be afraid anymore!

The trick is: turn your reflexive, unconscious responses into thoughts. This can be really hard–I have a lot of generalized anxiety issues, and I don’t always know what (if any) actual thoughts are making me uneasy. But I think it is easier to translate reflexes into thoughts for phobias, even if they aren’t always logical. 

In the case of a fear of stings from bees/wasps, there are several angles you can take:

Learn more about stinging insects and their behaviors, and understand why they sting. Take fear and reshape it into curiosity, use what you learn to avoid getting stung. 

Not all that buzzes is a bee. Similarly for yellow/black striped insects. There are lots of mimics out there, who look like a dangerous stinging insect to protect themselves, when they are totally harmless. Learn how to tell them apart, so know which ones couldn’t hurt you even if they wanted to.

Not all bees/wasps can sting! Males cannot sting, and some species are completely stingless.

Desensitization through Education

First off, you need to know a little about stingers. What are they, exactly? Well, they weren’t originally stingers. Before there were stingers, there were ovipositors.

Ovipositors in katydids. Left two: common conehead katydids; Right: lesser meadow katydid

Ovipositors are tubes that some insects use to lay their eggs inside something. Insects who lay their eggs in the ground (but who aren’t burrowing insects, like katydids) will use the ovipositor to make sure the eggs are safely tucked away from predators. Some insects go a step further, and lay their eggs inside another organism (these are called parasites or parasitoids depending on whether or not they kill the host). These insects will lay their eggs either in plant tissues (gall wasps and midges do this, and I wrote a post about galls a little while back [link]), or in animal tissues. 

Various parasitic wasps, Superfamily Ichneumonoidea. I have no idea who these are at the moment. iNat links: [Photo 1 Link] [Photo 2 Link] [Photo 3 Link]

These parasitoid insects tend to be wasps, and they tend to have some pretty fancy ovipositors. The larger ones tend to parasitize caterpillars, and before you gasp and lament the plight of the poor helpless babies, remember that every living creature in nature serves a very important purpose. Caterpillars can absolutely destroy a vegetable garden. These wasps make sure there’s still something left for us. 

These wasps do not sting. The painful sting is a result of venom, and these wasps with long ovipositors do not have a venom gland. 

But, as insects are wont to do, if there is a niche, they will fill it. The inside of the caterpillar is claimed? Well, you can just lay your egg on the caterpillar instead. This is a lot harder to do. With a long ovipositor, you can just hold on, stick it in, and go. But if you need to lovingly affix your eggs to the outside of a wiggling caterpillar, you’re gonna have a hard time. If only there was a way to temporarily paralyze it!

Meet Netelia. This is a genus of Ichneumon wasp. Notice her ovipositor? Kinda short, huh? That’s because it’s a stinger [link]. She stings the caterpillar, which is paralyzed long enough for her to beadazzle it with eggs, and off she goes. I don’t know much about the evolutionary history of ovipositors and stingers, but somehow, some species started living in large colonies full of sterile female workers and a stingless queen who laid all the eggs (think ants and bees). If you didn’t reproduce, you could make some pretty scary and painful stingers to protect your colony! Also: this means that only females can sting. 

And this brings us to the issue: some of them DO sting humans and it is not pleasant!

Bees and wasps are similar in that the notorious species tend to live in large colonies, but they sting for very different reasons. Bees are defensive (their stingers are embedded into flesh and detach from their bodies–a nice way of saying they rip their guts out and die), while wasps are offensive (they can sting many, many times, and will do it when they feel threatened even if they are not under attack).

Left: Western Honey Bee; Right: Apache Wasp

Why are they so different? Bees are vegetarians, so they have no need to kill for food. Their stingers are the last line of defense for their colonies, because every bee who stings will die. A colony can’t survive if all the workers die, but it also needs to protect the young and the queen. But these bees tend to make fairly elaborate hives which serve as a good line of defense in addition to the army of stinging workers. Bees will sting if you are actively harming them or the hive, even if you don’t realize it. Remember those ridiculous wide leg raver pants (hey, I said I graduated from college in 2005, stop looking at me like that)? I knew a guy who wore those all the time, and one day his pant leg managed to fall over a single lady bee, and she… uh… Well, she felt threatened. Let’s just say I laughed. Yes, as it happened. I regret nothing. Bees do not want to sting you.

Wasps are also vegetarians (wait, WHAT??)–at least, they are in adulthood. Wasp larvae? Carnivores. Those evil wasps killing other bugs and carrying them off are taking them to their nest. They will lay an egg alongside their prey, which is paralyzed to keep it alive until the egg hatches (terrifying, huh?). What a good mother! Some wasp species are solitary, and their nests can be safe underground. But paper wasps, which you are likely more familiar with, have their babies literally hanging out in the open. Their delicious, nutritious babies. They are so vulnerable! They must be protected! 

Paper wasps. Left: Apache wasp nest; Right: Common paper wasp nest

The only thing between a hungry predator and the life of those babies are the valiant wasps sworn to protect the nest. If they sense something which triggers the “hungry predator” switch in their brain, they will attack. Is their nest pretty low to the ground? Are you TOO CLOSE? Look out! Is their nest HIDDEN IN YOUR BALCONY WALL and you bump the side while enjoying a beautiful spring day? Are you throwing rocks at the nest? Do you smell like a bear? I don’t know what triggers wasps, but the only time I’ve been stung was when they secretly lived in my balcony wall. Thing with wasps is, when they’ve had enough, they will come after you. They can sting you to teach you to STAY AWAY and fly back to their nest. 

But, if you don’t set off “hungry predator” alarms, and instead exist in their world as “irrelevant scavenger,” you can actually get pretty close to them. I was lucky to find this Common Paper Wasp lady making her nest on the underside of a pokeweed leaf in my backyard two years ago. I took these photos with my phone. I was inches away from her. Sometimes I had a headlamp shining in her face. She never once came after me. I started to recognize her foraging around my yard for paper fiber (ever see a wasp hanging out on your wooden fence, or landing on grass or dried dead plants? they are collecting building materials!), so I could get a really close look at her nest and the eggs inside. Look in the cells in the nest in the top left and bottom right photos. Those little white things are her eggs!

So there’s a bit of a Catch-22 here. If you’re not afraid of wasps, come up to them curiously, SHOVE A CELL PHONE IN THEIR FACE WHILE BLINDING THEM WITH A HEADLAMP, eh, they don’t care. But if you are afraid of getting stung… what are you going to do? Calmly walk away? NO! You’re going to swat at it, flail around, run, scream, etc. All things a predator would do. Same thing with bees. Sometimes, they will land on you for whatever reason. Maybe you’re wearing a fluorescent yellow shirt and you look delicious.

All this baby wanted was some nectar, and from her perspective, I was *clearly* advertising that I had bountiful nectar reserves. If I was not aware that they see UV light, and that this is how they find flowers so quickly, and if I instead thought that bees hate the color yellow and will sting you if you’re wearing it (this is what I was taught growing up… *sigh*), I would have thought I was getting attacked, and would have started with the flailing. This lady, who thought she was coming for lunch, instead now has to start fighting? She’s gonna be mad.

There is a lot to know about bees and wasps. I do not know that much about them, but I think they are very interesting and I love learning more about them.

Mimics Can’t Fool You!

Wow that first section was long. How about some pictures of things that aren’t bees or wasps?

Hover flies! Top: Left - Eupeodes sp.; Right - Copestylum sp. Bottom: Left - Palpada agrorum; Right - Yellow-shouldered Drone Fly

Longhorn beetles! Top: Neoclytus mucronatus (both photos) Bottom: Left - Zebra Longhorn Beetle; Right - Painted Hickory Borer

Robber flies! Left: MacQuart’s Bee-mimic Robber Fly; Right: Beelzebub Bee-Killer

Moths! Left: Sphinx moths; Right: Clear-wing mothsI know, I’m cheating a little here. These are specimens in the Texas A&M University Entomology Collections. They have an open house every January and it’s AMAZING! 

Bee flies! (really!) Left: Poecilanthrax sp.; Middle: Exoprosopa fascipennis; Right: Villa sp.

Some clear take-aways here: (1) Flies are very into bees(2) Looking like a bee/wasp is a very successful survival strategy!(3) If it looks like a bee… it’s probably a fly (unless it’s actually a bee)

Stingless Fakers

There are two major groups of bees that don’t sting–Tribe Meliponini (Stingless Bees) and Family Andrenidae (Mining Bees).

Admittedly, I have not seen many of these. The two Meliponini species I saw were in Malawi (Africa), and those are the two photos on the left. Far left is a group going to their hive (they can make honey, too!), and center is a different species in their nest (a wax tube on the side of my cottage). These bees are so tiny you’d think they were fruit flies! Right photo is from West Texas, Mining Bees in the Macrotera genus (I love them! Little Valentine butts!)

BUT! There is another fairly common group of stingless bees: MALES. No male insect can sting (they can bite if equipped, but remember, stingers are modified ovipositors!). You may never see a male honey bee, but here’s what they look like: 

Not the best photo, but you can see he’s shaped… kinda weird? His eyes are HUGE, which is probably the easiest way to tell him apart from the females.

You are more likely to meet a male Carpenter bee, however. How will you know a male carpenter bee?

Male Eastern Carpenter Bee above. I read the males have a white patch on their face (look! his nose!), and there were some other features, but really, WHITE! NOSE!

Another Carpenter Bee I see at home (and NOTICE because … well you’ll see in a minute):

Xylocopa tabaniformis Carpenter Bee. Many apologies for the TERRIBLE PHOTOS. These were from my phone before I had a Real Camera and they only *just came back* this year and I am way behind on photos sorrryyyyyyyy

Anyway, I don’t know how to tell the females/males apart visually (or if you even can). And this photo may very well be of a female, who knows. But the way you know the males: They will get in your business. That’s why I call this section “Stingless Fakers.” It’s because of these. I love them. This pink bush is right outside my front door. I walk around it to get to my car in the morning. And in the summers, there are always a few of these buzzing around. And the males are interested in protecting their (small underground) colonies, so they will COME UP TO YOU to see if you’re a threat. Or maybe to intimidate you because THEY ARE A BEE THEY COULD STING LOOK OUT! 

Carpenter bees are distinguished from bumble bees by not being as furry. Carpenter bees will have shiny abdomens. Bumble Bees should be bumbly furry.

ANYWAY IN CONCLUSION Bees/Wasps are interesting, not everything is a bee/wasp even if it looks like one, and they don’t all sting. I wish you the best of luck in facing your fears and buzzing back at bees and hornets in triumph.

Posted (finally–sorry!) May 31, 2018As always, all photos are mine and most were taken in Texas. Exceptions are Netelia and Meliponini from Malawi.

[rachelthompsonauthor]

As a survivor, writer, and sexual abuse survivor activist, I participate in and observe real life and online daily conversations on the topic of sexual violence. Hmmm, the topic of sexual violence — like it’s just a topic, not crimes that affect people for the rest of our lives. That change the very structure of our cells, of our brains. Simply a topic of conversation.

Not a polite dinner conversation topic, of course. Yet, still a topic people bring up regularly, because you see, everyone is an expert (I call them the ‘Should Have Dones) on what a victim of a horrific sexual crime Should Have Done after she was brutally raped, sexually molested, abused, or harassed (unless you’re in the political arena and then it’s referred to as ‘sexual misconduct,’ that vague, gray area that cannot be defined, making it easy for politicians to talk in their circles and loopholes, as they are wont to do).

I refer to victims of sexual crimes (including myself) as survivors. Personal choice. We are, and have every right to refer to ourselves as, victims. Society loves to call us victims, in the negative sense of the word. That’s mistake number one so let’s start there.

Mistake #1: Victim Blaming Sexual Violence Survivors

‘Don’t be a victim,’ people spew at us. ‘Just get over it.’ ‘You just want the attention.’ Or my favorite (from a guy): ‘Why didn’t you just call 911? Seems easy enough.” (Well, I was only eleven at the time, and gosh well, 911 didn’t exist in 1975. Plus you know, the whole thing about how my abuser, the military dad next door, had a gun and had threatened to kill me and my baby sister if I told. So there’s that.)

Soooo easy.

One person on Twitter the other day said, ‘I’m not sure if I want to read your books. Are they an endless loop of hopeless reality, victim-mentality, woe-is-me? I prefer stories of go-getters!’

Funny thing is, I am a go-getter. I am ambitious. I’m pretty chill most days. I am also a victim of a serial child molester when I was eleven. Whether I ‘get over it,’ or talk about what happened and how I’ve dealt with it doesn’t change that he sexually abused me. I deal with that reality every day. It doesn’t define me — I don’t wear a label across my forehead, however, I don’t hide it anymore either. Shame no longer owns me.

If you look at the language people use, the focus is on the victim (I’m purposely using the word victim here so stay with me). Don’t be a victim. Get over it. Move on. As if we, the victims of crimes, have Done Something Wrong. As if discussing it means I’m still in victim-mode — which I’m not (because people do want to know); yet people assume that any victim of a sexual crime who discusses their harrowing real-life experience must be looking for attention because why else would we discuss something so private?

Here’s the bigger question: Why do you suppose people focus so much on the victim instead of the perpetrator? I’ve had years to observe this and here’s my completely non-scientific, non-random, non-controlled, non-trial, half-opinion, half-experience-based conclusion:

There’s more than one conclusion, depending on the person’s most treasured belief system. It’s uncomfortable. People don’t know what to say. They don’t want to get into the mind of an abuser, so to avoid that, they pick on the victim. They bully us. We’re accessible, easy targets. Defensive attacks are easier than compassion.

Victims are easy to blame because it’s harder and scarier to connect in any way with the mind of a criminal rapist or child molester — there might be something lurking there they don’t want to see — themselves.

There’s another school of thought (much more scientific):

“Our tendency to blame the victim is ultimately self-protective. It allows us to maintain our rosy worldview and reassure ourselves that nothing bad will happen to us. The problem is that it sacrifices another person’s well-being for our own. It overlooks the reality that perpetrators are to blame for acts of crime and violence, not victims.” (Source: Psychology Today)

I’d really love to see that paradigm shift. Instead of asking victims of sexual crime anything — because we the public are entitled to know nothing about the victim — let’s ask perpetrators why they perpetrate crimes against others. Is it anger? Is it hormonal? Is it societal? Is it mental? How can we fix this?

We know it’s not about sex. We know it’s about power and control. Examining power and patriarchal structures and how we break these down is a start. According to the latest studies, here’s what we do know about men who rape and sexually assault women:

Heavy drinking, perceived pressure to have sex,

a belief in “rape myths” — such as the idea that no means yes

A peer group that uses hostile language to describe women.

Men who are highly aroused by rape porn.

Narcissism magnifies odds that men will commit sexual assault and rape.

What about the idea that rape is about power over women? Some experts feel that research into hostile attitudes toward women supports this idea.

Rejection in high school and of looking on as “jocks and the football players got all the attractive women.”As these once-unpopular, often narcissistic men become more successful, [he] suspects that “getting back at these women, having power over them, seems to have become a source of arousal.” (Source: New York Times)

In the wake of the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings and the sexual assault revelation by Dr. Blasey Ford:

“This is what we will expect from the congressional committee:

She will likely be asked to detail every moment of the alleged attack. How much she had to drink. Why she went upstairs. What she was wearing.” (Source: Washington Post)

And she was. That’s exactly what happened.

People feel righteous and justified, as if her drinking or clothing gives Kavanaugh a pass for his (alleged) ‘misconduct.’

**Postscript: we all know the result of that entire situation.

How does what any woman/person wears or drinks justify someone else’s criminal behavior? It doesn’t. In any situation. It simply doesn’t.

Mistake #2: The Language We Use

As I mentioned above, in Western society we focus on the victim:

Mary is a battered woman.

Rachel is a CSA (childhood sexual abuse) survivor.

Joe was raped.

Where are the perpetrators (usually men) who did the abusing in these sentences?

(For the purpose of this discussion, I’ll use men as the perpetrator, though I acknowledge #NotAllMen are abusers so please, let’s not go down that road. It is a well-known and researched fact that men do the majority of abusing (please read the full linked report for more data*) — of women, children, and other men. My point here is not to bash men; simply provide an example. I’m not in any way condemning men exclusively and I acknowledge that women can be abusers too, so everyone breathe.)

*Sex of Perpetrator in Lifetime Reports of Sexual Violence:

Most perpetrators of all forms of sexual violence against women were male. For female rape victims, 98.1% reported only male perpetrators. Additionally, 92.5% of female victims of sexual violence other than rape reported only male perpetrators. For male victims, the sex of the perpetrator varied by the type of sexual violence experienced. The majority of male rape victims (93.3%) reported only male perpetrators. For three of the other forms of sexual violence, a majority of male victims reported only female perpetrators: being made to penetrate (79.2%), sexual coercion (83.6%), and unwanted sexual contact (53.1%). For non-contact unwanted sexual experiences, approximately half of male victims (49.0%) reported only male perpetrators and more than one-third (37.7%) reported only female perpetrators (data not shown).

**For an in-depth discussion on gender symmetry, look at the work of Sherry Hamby, Ph.D.

(“Violence against women, men, and children is a men’s issue, not a women’s issue” — it’s not even a gender issue, according to Jackson Katz. Watch his TEDTalk — an excellent summary of how gendered language is endemic in our society and how we view violence against women and others, perpetuated primarily by men.)

There’s also an assumption (never a good thing) that survivors, especially female survivors, are liars. We must somehow want attention. Women must have ulterior motives for reporting sexual crimes (which violate our civil rights).

Look at the language people use when describing the multitudes of women who accused Bill Cosby in a criminal trial — they must want money or fame — misunderstanding there’s no money or fame to be had, as many of them remained anonymous, he was only convicted for the crimes against one woman, and a criminal trial does not award money.

This is especially true if the victim was drinking or drugged (more on that below). As Jim Hopper mentions in his work, our brains are flooded with chemicals during any kind of intense, traumatic situation, in particular during a sexual assault:

This part of our brain is responsible for executive functions, including focusing attention where we choose, rational thought process and inhibiting impulses. You are using your prefrontal cortex to read this article and absorb what we’ve written, rather than getting distracted by other thoughts in your head or things going on around you. But in states of high stress, fear or terror like combat and sexual assault, the prefrontal cortex is impaired–sometimes even effectively shut down–by a surge of stress chemicals. (Source: Lisak & Hopper, TIME Ideas, 2014)

Mistake #3: Expecting/Demanding a Hero Story

Like the reader above who expected my book to be about a woman who pulls herself up by the bootstraps and conquers the world, we are conditioned, particularly here in the West, to expect and might I even say demand, a mythic hero’s journey. From sitcoms to TV movies to series to Marvel and DC Universe to epics to The Olympics every two years — we are spoonfed heroes journeys at every turn.

Look at Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter — classic if clichéd examples of The Hero’s Journey (with male protagonists and male best friend side-kicks…plus the the oh-so-important scrappy, brilliant yet with not enough screen time female secondary character, who was never completely fleshed out as well as the guys and oh, always became prettier as the series wore on. Think Hermione — whom I love, yet still.). We do love a flawed underdog who grows to a champion!, finds the strength within themselves despite difficult circumstances, defeats the bad guy (ta-da!), and ultimately gets the girl…and, of course, yes, and they lived happily ever after.

Survivors of sexual violence are my heroes. We get up and live each and every day despite living with some combo of anxiety, depression, flashbacks, dissociation, nightmares, insomnia, triggers, hypersensitivity, hypervigilance, migraines, any number of immune disorders, addiction, and all kinds of other shit we are at higher risk for solely because we were a victim of sexual violence at some point in our lives.

PTSD is common in anywhere from one-third to one-half of sexual abuse survivors six months after the attack(s). 94% experience symptoms within the first 24 hours.

If and when we choose to share our survivor experience, we don’t owe anyone a hero story.

Life is hard enough as it is. Navigating it as a survivor adds other layers ‘normals’ cannot possibly imagine. Your expectation that we must live our lives according to your heroic expectations is not our issue.

And if I (or other victims) are still in victim mode — so what? Some victims are so traumatized by the crimes against them, the effects are devastating:

some repeatedly attempt to kill themselves — and often succeed,

become addicted to drugs/alcohol (did you know 75% of addicts and 90% of alcoholics were sexually abused as children? Source: The Right Step),

develop mental health issues (personality disorders, OCD, anxiety, depression, body dysphoria,

have lifelong weight issues

are at higher risk of immune disorders

can retreat to another mental universe completely (e.g., DID or other personality disorders).

If struggling to get through each day is the best we can do — so what?? Who is anyone to judge us?

Mistake #4: The Perfect Victim Myth

People blame victims for not being perfect. If she wore that red dress, if she was drinking, if she didn’t fight back, if she met the guy and they had sex (how dare a woman want sex #gasp), if she was out late walking, if she was asleep in her own bed in a nightie or even naked in her own home! If, if, if.

When you first hear about a crime, it’s our natural curiosity to want to find out more. “What happened? Who was involved, what were the circumstances, is everyone okay?”

However, in a sexual violence situation, many people immediately ask, “What was she wearing? Was she drunk? Was she alone?” This is our go-to. Because it’s somehow her fault for being imperfect. She’s to blame for putting herself in the position to be victimized (and yes, I’m using this passive language on purpose).

Again, with the victim-blaming. Yet the perfect victim expectation goes far beyond that. We’ve all watched enough Hollywood tropes to have been brainwashed into thinking that victims should be thin, virginal, pretty, helpless creatures who are perfect in every way (good), OR they are vampy vixens dressed in leather whom we know have it coming because they ooze sex (bad).

In reality, women are not caricatures (surprise!) and are sexually violated at all stages of life and in all stages of clothing.

Cases have been dismissed entirely because the victim didn’t cry sufficiently or wasn’t hysterical enough (if you recall, PTSD used to be referred to as ‘shellshock’ for a reason). Our brains can react in a multitude of ways during and after sexual assault — see Jim Hopper’s comprehensive work to get the neuroscientific background in understandable terms. As Jim points out, investigators have to learn how to talk to victims differently based on the latest scientific studies on how the brain reacts to intense trauma.

Memory gaps are common — why? Because of the pre-frontal cortex impairment mentioned above. Details can be hazy and remain hazy. The best scientists in the world don’t know exactly why, yet lawyers, judges, and juries demand definitive proof a victim isn’t lying (and even with proof, rape kits are collecting dust. Again, whole other post).

No. Let’s discuss it. If there’s DNA present, the victim can undergo the process of having a rape kit done (commonly referred to as a SAK: Sexual Assault Kit). After being raped or sexually assaulted, a victim must again open themselves up to strangers to be intimately examined.

Then there’s this fact: Most kits are never tested unless there’s a criminal investigation. Go ahead, read that again.

Are all SAKs tested?

No. While there are a few cities and states that automatically test all sexual assault kits, in general, SAKs are not tested unless specifically requested by a law enforcement agency for a criminal investigation. There are a variety of reasons that a kit might not be tested including:

A decision by law enforcement due to a variety of reasons — such as not prioritizing sexual assault cases or a perceived lack of victim credibility or cooperation — not to further investigate the case.

A decision by law enforcement that the results of the kit would not be significant to the investigation. This occurs most often when the suspect does not deny physical contact but instead claims the contact was consensual.

Backlogged crime labs. Due to resource issues, some crime labs may take up to a year or longer to test a SAK.

Lack of funding for DNA analysis. Some law enforcement jurisdictions, including crime laboratories, are underfunded and may be unable to test every SAK. (Source: National Center for Victims of Crime)

Dissociation (aka, spacing out or acting differently) is common after an assault, sometimes for years — even decades (something I still experience now, forty-plus years after my abuse as a child).

I experienced dissociation each time my abuser molested me (not realizing that watching myself as he abused me was not abnormal). I dissociated frequently throughout high school and college — it was normal for me to watch myself from above. Now that I know what that feeling is (something I can do on command), I’m much more aware. Sometimes, though, it happens and I don’t realize it at all. My family knows, though. My guy says he can see me ‘going under.’

You may also find this PTSD visual helpful (Souce: Daily Cardinal) and read more on PTSD here.

As for whether a woman decides to drink, do drugs, wear whatever she wants, meet a guy for sex — she is allowed to do all those things and still does not deserve to be raped. No man deserves to be raped. No child deserves it. No LGBTQ-identifying person. No human.

A person is raped because someone raped them.

By accusing a survivor who is brave enough to come forward for not fitting into the perfect victim myth you’ve come to expect, or accusing them of lying, it’s as if we are all having the wrong argument. What we have here is a faulty car engine (the brain, which in truth isn’t faulty at all), yet you’re accusing, discrediting, and blaming the driver.

When in actuality, the one causing the entire mess is the guy who ran the car off the road.

Allegedly.

Mistake #5: Sexual Violence is Political

Social media is rife with conspiracy theories about the Ford/Kavanaugh situation — which I won’t dignify by going into here on this post. The #MeToo movement, which has brought forward incredible, heartbreaking, brave voices sharing horrific stories of sexual violence, is now being attacked as men vs. women, as right-wing vs those ‘heathen, liberal left’ (never mind the number of priests, GOP’ers identified as child molesters and rapists, Fox News?). Some of the people involved in spreading and believing these stories are tin-foil hat ridiculous.

Geez. See how easy even I lowered myself into the mud? It’s an ugly look, isn’t it? Mud-slinging makes dirty people. Dirty people spread more dirt.

Add to that the conspiracy theorists, fake news, fake accounts, Russian whatevers, bots, and fundamentalists on all sides…we might as well be rolling with the pigs…or is it dogs or fleas? Besides, shouldn’t you be writing instead of arguing politics on social media?)

Which is why I refuse to discuss politics and sexual violence together in the same tweet or post.* I won’t argue with anyone about sexual violence and politics. They are completely separate because my focus is and always will be on the survivor. And if you work with The Joyful Heart Foundation as I do or RAINN (also wonderful), you’ll see they are not political, either (except to help get funding for rape kit testing or more services for survivors).

Advocating is about helping others. Politicizing sexual violence negatively, to further some politician’s career, doesn’t help anyone.

(*If there’s a bill, contributions needed, or volunteering to help or fund services for survivors — then I’m all in to help out survivors).

Making what a survivor goes through, after any kind of assault, fit into some political party ideology is ludicrous to me.

Compassion and kindness are my ideology.

Mistake #6: Assuming All Victims of Sexual Violence Are Liars

One more, on the house.

As I already mentioned above, the other part of politicizing sexual violence is the assumption that all sexual violence survivors are liars (ONLY if the survivor is hurting your candidate). Why do you suppose this is? Because diehard party-line believers and supporters cannot afford to question their own familiar belief system (this topic brings in fallacies, which you can read more about here). Whole other post.

“Why didn’t she report? She had plenty of time!” Such an easy question to ask. So simple. As easy as asking a domestic violence survivor why she didn’t just leave, right? Surely, violent, criminal situations can be explained away with a tweet. I hope this sounds as ridiculous to you as it does to me, yet that’s what people demand from survivors, particularly women.

I’ve shared above how parts of the brain shut off during trauma. If the victim chooses to come forward immediately, investigators must be trained to question survivors appropriately, keeping this in mind. The victim may not answer in a way politicians or the public would ‘expect’ a perfect victim to answer — yet the knowledge of how the brain responds to trauma is not widely known or understood.

The general public is a different story altogether. Zero comprehension of the brain on trauma. Therefore, we see these brutal social media attacks ensue due to unsatisfactory answers to questions the public has no right to ask.

Shame is another reason. It can take decades for a survivor to speak publicly about their sexual trauma (if they ever do at all). It took me three and a half decades to write Broken Pieces and then Broken Places (Broken People will be available soon-ish).

Fear of retaliation (and considering 90% of sexual violence is perpetrated by someone we know, this is an incredibly valid fear). More specifics from RAINN:

Of the sexual violence crimes not reported to police from 2005–2010, the victim gave the following reasons for not reporting:

20% feared retaliation

13% believed the police would not do anything to help

13% believed it was a personal matter

8% reported to a different official

8% believed it was not important enough to report

7% did not want to get the perpetrator in trouble

2% believed the police could not do anything to help

30% gave another reason or did not cite one reason

Read more statistics about perpetrators of sexual violence.

I won’t go into the details of my own sexual abuse here, but I will share this: as someone who did report (eventually) and testified in two trials at the age of twelve (civil and military), I can tell you it was one of the most terrifying, humiliating, and shameful experiences I’ve ever had, facing the man who abused me, having to explain what he did to me while others scrutinized every excruciating, embarrassing detail for further questioning and cross-examination.

Sure, I was young. Younger than both my kids are now. Too young to know the words I was about to speak.

For the record, he got eighteen months.

  Do you need help right now? Contact RAINN 800.656.HOPE (4673). Here are 67 resources for sexual assault survivors via Greatist.

  This post originally appeared on Medium.

  Read more about Rachel’s experiences in the award-winning book, Broken Pieces.

She goes into more detail about living with PTSD and realizing the effects of how being a survivor affected her life in

Broken Places, available now on Amazon.

  The post 5 Mistakes People Make When Discussing Sexual Violence appeared first on Rachel Thompson.

via Rachel Thompson

[captainehren]

hOkay, so... this happened. I happened to look down at the comments on this youtube video https://youtu.be/5GFKpU6a8rM and saw a bunch of guys babbling about MGTOW and how they’re done with women because feminism has made a lot of women become something awful. So I looked up MGTOW and then saw one guy describe his decision to “Men Go Their Own Way” by being done with relationships with women. 

Jimbob Day: The fact is western women are not worth it anymore. The overwhelming majority of them are feminists and SJWs. That's why men should go MGTOW.  Don't waste your time on them and by no means don't protect them from Islam, if they want it.  Let them do what they want and reap the consequences

Jimbob Day:  don't assume us men won't do nothing, I for one would rather die than watch sharia take over. The fact is I won't protect women (outside my family) as they don't want to be saved. That's all I mean

Jimbob Day:  I've come to realise, a lot of the sexual assaults towards women in Germany and Europe, many of them were liberals promoting Muslim migration, so why feel sorry for them?

Jimbob Day:  just use them for sex (play safe of course or she will bring the full force of the legal system on you) and nothing more. We still have needs after all. Pursue sexual relationships or become financially stable and rely on top rate escorts. Until sex robots become realistic enough and they will then lose all their value

Jimbob Day:  MGTOW has opened our eyes to the real nature of women. You seek men for your own selfish needs and desires. In that case you point out, you want us for your protection. In other cases you want us for our money or security. The 80/20 rule sums up women in a nutshell. At this point I wouldn't help you lot from the Islamic migrants in Europe. You lot can have Islam.

Jimbob Day:  you and me have different interpretations of what beta is. You probably think an alpha male is a white knight who worships the ground his woman walks on until the divorce comes in and then he's stripped of everything. Lol, I don't plan on going down that route

Jimbob Day: Men Go Their Own Way. A passive philosophy whereby men avoid marriage and dating as the law and state are against them. We sacrifice so much but get little back for the contract we sign. It instead promotes self development, career driven lifestyles and finding self content without a woman (although you can still satisfy yourself sexually with women but outside dating and marriage)

Me: So, you’re going to be gay?

Jimbob Day:  lol if that's how little understanding of MGTOW you have, your wont convince anyone.

to be fair, I had to look up the MGTOW bullshit and then read a few more of his statements to get an idea of what he was actually talking about, but it was funny to me to ask if he wants to be gay instead.

Some more hilarity from this dickless wonder.

Jimbob Day:  I honestly see no reason why we should protect women who want Islam in the west, when they do get sexually assaulted or raped.  Majority women in western countries are liberal, majority of people in cities are liberal, majority of young people are liberal. So when a young women in the city gets sexually assaulted (as these are places where migrants congregate), there is a 99% chance she is liberal. She wanted migrants in the country so why on earth should we help her? I would rather help an older woman as statistically she will most likely be conservative and voted against this shit. But younger women, lol no chance

Jimbob Day:  It's a shaming tactic. You know MGTOW is doing something right when these people feel the need to actively shame us. I've noticed it a lot nowadays. I'm in my 20s and family, friends and other girls are dropping the typical "why haven't you got a girlfriend?" question. It doesn't matter what I respond with, they will shame me by saying "You are gay then" or "it's not normal to be single".  At first it was annoying but I've actually come to realise how empty their lives are.  They themselves cannot function without a partner in life, they need someone around them. They are a slave.  I personally am perfectly happy single. I can honestly say the last year has been my greatest year on all aspects but most of all self development and self content. I can find content with my own self company. If that is not the definition of a free man, I don't know what is. Let them shame us, take it as a compliment almost.

And then I got another of these pussies trying to act like he’s 2edgy.

Starlord:  Jimbob Day I agree brother, we are free Men who don't depend on others validation. Like Gandhi once said- "First they laugh at you, then they shame you and in the end you win". Our WHITE Race won't die out because by the time millennial generation dies, we'll be able to  produce babies with the help of artificial womb's. Trump is just going to delay the collapse.

He sounds like he just finished watching Armitage III. Did you get enough of Nomi Malone the gynoid?

Jimbob Day:  +Starlord The Emperor of Infinity!, Precisely, currently we are dependent on women to breed.  Its a hold they have over us and we find ourselves on the fence deciding whether we take the risk and breed with them to continue our civilisations, OR we go our own way and be free without the risk.  Its an annoying predicament but once artificial wombs come into place, the migrants can have the women, we no longer need them.  We can have as many kids as we want and raise them properly.  It solves both our issues and sex robots will keep us sexually satisfied.  I can not wait.  DNA engineering will be so advanced that we can even specify what sex our offspring are, make them free of disease and what not.  Exciting times ahead

So both of you finished watching Armitage III. Okay...

I love how both of them are talking about it like it’s a guarantee rather than a science fiction possibility.

Starlord:  White women also hit the wall first and in the most ugly way. A 40 YO Asian women looks better then a 30 YO White women

I’m 34. I get mistaken for someone about the age of 20 to 25 constantly.

Jimbob Day:  This is very true.  White women age atrociously.  Black women age the best.  White women who hit the wall will publicly change their image in the eyes of men but really they are the same person deep down, searching for a better top 20% mate.  They will jump ship when the opportunity comes.  80% of marriages are initiated by women for a reason.

probably because they’re married to cunts like you.

And that brings us to this delightful exchange. trust me... reading through all the trash above is pretty worth it to get to this. These guys are... really something. 

me:  so avoiding commitment and love. got it.

Starlord:  Avoiding commitment? Yes. Avoiding Love? LOL😁 Do you also believe in unicorn!

Me:  currently laughing as I read through some of the comments. See, I would like to be married, have a family, and be happy with a man that adores me as much as I do him. I don't trust in sex before marriage, and it would seem that is perfectly reasonable looking at some of the comments here. None of you are men. You're little boys trying to make excuses for yourselves. Maybe I'm super old fashioned, but it's pretty clear not a single MGTOW here is a man. I hope you find happiness, just don't do it by making girls believe you want them as anything but a replacement for your sock. be up front about your ideas.

me:  well, love leads to marriage. it leads to commitment, ergo, yes you are avoiding love. unless you're telling ladies you love them before you dump them when you're through with getting laid by them.

Starlord:  You can call us boys or whatever you want. We don't care what others think. First resources lead to marriage and then resources lead to divorce. Love is for loser's. Either you love women or you understand them. I choose the later. I will pump and dump, what's wrong with that?

I need a gif of Peggy Carter saying “you still don’t know a bloody thing about women.” Because it fits.

me:  Starlord The Emperor of Infinity! just be upfront about that when looking for your sock replacements and don't lead women on as though you actually care about them. that's all I really care about. otherwise, you're a coward.

Starlord:  Why I should not lie and why I am a coward?

me:  Starlord The Emperor of Infinity! well, if you led a girl on to think you actually wanted her that'd be as cowardly as if she did that to you. if you're up front with your ideas then at least you're not willfully hurting people for your own selfish desires.

Starlord:  Who said I lie or hurt girls? I just have sex and leave what's wrong with that?

Just keep this one in mind, folks, because he’s about to heel turn FAST.

Me:  nothing. as I said as long as you're upfront.

Starlord:  Are you really that much naive? Why would the majority of women have sex with me if I told them that I just wanna fuck and leave. You are delusional and don't know how the world works. You look mature, but I know how the world works better then you at 19.

Me:  then you admit that you're a coward. you clearly don't tell your women you don't want a relationship so you can bang them instead of being up front about it.

Starlord:  I live in reality and I know sometimes you have to manipulate people to get what you want. I only care about myself and I will do whatever I want to do. Fuck your feel good, be good thinking.

Me:  so you admit you're a coward that has to lie to get into women's panties because you can't get any by being a self righteous pussy that's about as edgy as his own flaccid dick.

Starlord:  You ain't know shit about me. I do what I want to do what's your problem with that? What do you want me to do? Don't waste my time and focus on your life. I don't care what you think or do. So STFU!

Me:  says the dude who is getting butthurt because I pointed out how pathetic he is.