#also this song has been stuck in my head and out of context it could be so idikei

[heartscrypt]

showing a pa-pa-para-part of me so you might get the message, but the words i wanna shout to you get swallowed back up again!

[pixeltwix]

-Unrelated McGucket Ramblings

Because my mental illness is metal illnessing my brain has been having a wonderful time combining interests. Specifically gravity falls and the Odyssey of all things?

The parallels between Fiddleford, Emma May, and Tate -& Odysseus, Penelope, and Telemachus is driving me bonkers. EVERYTIME I hear songs like ‘There Are Other Ways’, ‘I’m Just A Man’, and ‘Love in Paradise’ I can so vividly see Fiddleford so ardently longing for home, for his wife, for his son, but something or some event keeps pulling him back every single time he has a mind to just go home. I can’t help but let my head make the connections and rewire silly lyrics to fit closer together than I already feel they are.

‘Back at home my wife awaits for me, she’s my everything, my Emma May. And she’s all my power, all my power, but it’s been (x) long years. Oh (x) long years since I have seen my wife, and now the god of (chaos) is out to end my life-“

Additionally while I do not see Emma May as Calypso to any degree, her few lines in ‘Love in Paradise’ stuck out so hard to me if it was outside of the context of Calypso & Odysseus’s no good very bad situation. Just the-

“It will be fine dear, come back inside dear, love of my life come back to paradise. I know your life’s been hard, I’ll stay inside your heart. I love you my dear, I love our time here, life would be so much worse if you had died. Please stay away from harm, stay in my open arms.”

Is SO POST FIRST PORTAL TESTING FIDDLEFORD CODED- when Emma May finally comes up for herself to check on him in Gravity Falls and sees his condition. I refuse to believe for a moment that she didn’t at least try to understand what was going on before fearing for her and her sons life. Finding her husband most likely stumbling around like he doesn’t even know himself or where he is, trying to soothe and bring him back to her. And at first it seems like it’s working, like he’s slowly piecing together what she’s putting down, but then he’s sparking, spiraling again. She tries a final time to coax him from whatever whirl of madness he’s gotten himself into, but it never gets better. In fact it keeps getting worse. But just the vISUAL ALONE of her with that part of the song trying to bring him away from harm all the while he’s still deeply haunted with the ‘all I hear are screams’. AHHH-

Additionally the narrative of Penelope stalling her suitors for YEARS because she’s hoping, praying, that her husband is still alive, still out there somewhere. That maybe just maybe he’ll come home. I am screAMING and pointing at the Emma May core of it all. I’ve been meaning to develop elderly FiddEm dynamic be it platonic for the sake of recovery, but my biggest thing with her design is despite after all these years she sTILL carries aspects of her husband with her. Be it wearing his old specs he left at home or still keeping her floral motif with her brooch. She still loves him deep down- she always will, and she’s always gonna mourn the life that could’ve been if Bill hadn’t been involved, but still. Keeping him as apart of her even if she ‘hated’ him for so long kept her going.

Also idk plus just the-

‘Hell no, I could kill you where you stand. I’m no pet, I’m a married man.’

Is silly to me because I know it would be very ooc for Fiddleford to have THAT much bite even if he is capable of ‘lashing out’. Regardless it’s still amusing brain movie content to envision-

If I didn’t already have so many other ideas on hand I’d draw this all myself, but raaaaa so many other concepts I wanna draw first :(

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Randomly thinking about “tolerate it” (narrator voice: it was not random) and how under the cloak of fiction it is ostensibly inspired by works like “Rebecca” (which Taylor said she read during the 2020 lockdowns I believe?), with the line of “you’re so much older and wiser” indicating that the speaker is significantly younger and inexperienced compared to the person she’s speaking to and a pretty direct reference to the plot of the book.

But I saw something somewhere once that stuck with me about how it might not be referring to relative age between the characters but chronological age as in the passage of time in a relationship. And that made me think about how in a contemporary context, it might not necessarily be referencing an actual age gap between the two characters, but rather a sarcastic or cynical response to the man’s claims that he has matured (“you’re so much older and wiser [than you were before/than you were when we met/etc.]”), which then made me think about that line in relation to the woman. And that it could be taken like, “you act like you’ve matured so much in our time together and like you know everything, while I’m supposedly still stuck as the girl I was when we first met.”

Which then made me think of the “right where you left me” of it all and did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen time went on for everyone else she won’t know it and the bit in Miss Americana where she talks about how celebrities get frozen at the age at which they got famous, and how she’s had to play catch up in a lot of ways not just in her emotional growth but kind of in general. (Which also made me wonder if she’s ever been called out for immaturity/lack of curiosity/lack of education about things in her life…)

Which then made me think about the rest of the song, and @taylortruther’s posts yesterday about “seven” and “Daylight” and the way Taylor idealizes her youth yet contrasts it with an almost sinister reality in its wake, and the line, “I sit by the door like I’m just a kid,” because the discussion raised that her relationship let her recapture some of the childlike joy and wonder she’d lost. So this line is a double-edged sword: the speaker sits by the door with childlike hope that the person will come home and cherish her, but on the darker side, feels like the child dealing with the monsters she doesn’t have names for yet and the feelings of isolation she felt as she aged.

I’m not saying the song is necessarily autobiographical; like most of the songs on folkmore, it’s clearly a fictionalized story based on media she’d consumed and created, but we know a lot of the fictional songs were infused with her own feelings and experiences and… This idea swirling in my head picked up steam and now I kind of can’t stop thinking about it. Sorry but I’m a little obsessed now.

Like maybe it might start to shed light on why she identified so strongly with the novel in the first place…

[brofightiscancelled]

yapping about how i approached translating karamatsu's brand new world. just discussing the localization liberties i took and other things i think are interesting. i just love yapping sorry

part 3/4 because i forgot about tumblr post image limits lol

CHAPTER 8

as you probably know if you watch anime, in japanese they say いっただ���まーす before they eat a meal. english has no colloquial equivalent so they usually just translate it as "thanks for the meal!" because something like "down the hatch!" comes off as quite goofy and old-fashioned. luckily, THESE characters ARE goofy and old-fashioned, so i get to use it.

if it were solely up to me i think "cuz I'm the oldest" would've been a more natural english-speaking sibling thing to say here. but source material LOVES saying eldest so i left it as that

todomatsu says "you're kicking up dust" here. this is where cultural knowledge in translation is important.... i just kind of assumed that this is colloquially used the same way as "making a mess", but im not actually sure, this was just a guess. so i wish i had that cultural knowledge lol

admitting my weakness: i have no idea what bro was talking about here. i made my best guess based off what nonsense i could glean from this as well as the chinese fantranslation. sorry

admitting my whimsy: i had no reason to localize todomatsu into talking annoyingly here i just kinda wanted to. sorry

CHAPTER 9

the dialogue here is more literally "The one who showed me that was--". this doesn't sound that unnatural, and i probably could've stuck with it (if it was song lyrics i definitely wouldve gone with that lol), but i thought "something I learned from--" felt a bit more natural of a sentence to be cut off (i feel like an english speaker would say "ichimatsu was the one who showed me that", y'know?)

in the first panel, ichi says "let's go/return home". but it doesnt fit in this itty bitty speech bubble, and also is not quiiite as colloquial in english? (in this kind of casual context i think it would be more like "let's head out" yknow :?), so i just did "let's go". but then later he literally does say "let's go", which i can't use again, so i shifted this to "c'mon!" even though it's slightly less faithful of a translation for that phrase... but it's for da sake of the overall meaning. welcome to da translator's dilemma

personal pronoun moment! though the karamatsu we know and love uses オレ, a confident and bold personal pronoun, high school karamatsu uses 僕, a polite and reserved pronoun. again no english equivalent so this kind of subtlety in characterization is just kinda lost foreveerrrrr and needs to be made up in other ways

(as a side note ichi uses the same おれ pronoun in hs as in the current day, though. it fits his casual, laid-back high school personality and also his current low-energy, slacker personality. da versatility. very interesting)

a little look into my sick and twisted mind process

"remaining empty / will you be this way forever?"

remaining is too long to fit in this speech bubble, so im shortening it to "staying empty"

"will you be this way forever" doesn't sound very natural to me. "do you plan on" feels more direct and accusatory (as asserted by ichi's use of よ here) so let's use that

"do you plan on staying that way forever?" is a very nice sentence! but i already used "staying" in the first speech bubble. curses

the last thing ichi asked was "why are you still alive", and is about to say "just die", so i think bringing back "living" here wouldn't be too off-base, right? it's a similar meaning.... even though it wasnt insinuated in the text.....

it's fine no one will know

this translation is from the source material. but a bit of potential double meaning here that maybe was lost: 逆に means like, "on the contrary" or "conversely", so can mean something closer to, "(if you just plan on staying empty), you might as well just die instead!" which i think is a slightly different vibe than "actually" and is also neeeat

okay one more part to come just for chapter 10 i guess

part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4

[pumpkinsy0]

Do u have headcanons about or what do you think about a 90s or 00s AU (maybe) where Curly Shepard is a punk and Ponyboy a goth or a babybat? ^_^ Like imagine purly but ponyboy tries to show his obsession for edgar allan poe and curly or the gang JUST DON'T GET IT 😭

wym anon that literally already IS purly🙄🙄

BUT YEA I DO HAVE HCS!!!! o(^-^)o

(for context who dont know, baby at is the name for like ppl who r newly goth basically, theyre just starting out listening to music n stuff like that)

•since curly is punk here and the whole idea of punks is essentially anti establishment and love individuality i will NOT make him make fun of pony for being goth, especially when hes a babybat hes just embracing himself

•also curly is curly i feel like hes a bit morbid himself and would be at the very least interested in edgar allen poe, so even if he wasnt punk he wouldnt make fun of pony for liking him, even if he does thats just bc hes being friendly and just does NOT like poetry

•ill place this in like, late 90s and early 2000s, so there is that huge thing against goths and punks for being ‘weird’ and against god or something along those lines

•curlys pretty used to being targeted for being different for his punk style and such while pony isnt exactly used to that so i imagine that hes more protective while ponys trying to figure himself out in that regard

•some bands pony would b interested in is evanescence, the cure, and siouxsie and the banshees, london after midnight, of course there IS more but these r like more so his favs

•how pony found out about gothic bands was like, a song was playing in darrys car radio and darry didnt rlly like it so he changed it but the song was already stuck in ponys head

•he brought it up to curly but pony was just like ‘idk maybe itll pass’, it in fact DID not pass and later they was just chillin in curlys car and the song came back on the radio and pony was like ‘neuron activated’

•curly was personally not rlly into the song, but hey, ponys happy so its whatever

•personally i imagine that pony doesnt have a gothic STYLE more so he has a love for gothic songs and literature, yknow what i mean??? but maybe he does borrow some clothes from curly thats more on the gothic side or thrifts some clothes

•other than edgar allen poe, he does like phantom of the opera, frankenstein, dracula, carmilla, dr jekyll and mr hyde, also he would like ruby gloom (thank my gf for this hc)

•his art style is kinda influenced by those media actually

•as for what type of goth he is i could mostly see him being like a geek goth, but he is interested in the looks of victorian goths and gothabilly goths

IVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT PONY FOR TOO LONG NOW ON ABOUT CURLY

•tbh, not much to add for this guy, punk curly is literally just regular curly but more understanding of who he is and what he wants in the world yknow??

•think of curly but actually a lil more, idk thought provoking in his own curly way with a better understanding of the world

•MAY I INSERT MY HC OF CURLY HAVIN AN AFRO MOHAWK HERE🗣️🗣️

•he is from a haitian household tho and haitian moms especially tend to be more, religious and all that jazz, so while tim and angela get their ears yelled off for well being them, its especially happening to curly bc in his moms eyes hes “turning away from god” n what not being a “vagabon” as many haitian moms would put it

•he likes customizing his own clothes, he thrifts and gets a bunch of hand me downs so might as well make them look cooler

•hes a graffiti artist and hes acc pretty well known, everyone knows its him but they dont rlly say anything cause 1) hes curly shepard but 2) his work rlly isnt that bad actually

•i could totally see him liking green day and he does NOT like fall out boy but he does like a coulle of songs from them (much to his dismay

•hes picking up guitar (how he afforded it??? i payed for it lets just say that)

WHEN IT COMES TO THE GANG, they dont rlly get pony being goth, they support him of course, but they do tend to make fun of him a bit</33 but darry, soda, and johnny do try to understand him more, its rlly just two

ps anon my gf said she loves u for ur idea (shes goth, u got the goth stamp of approval)

[dhmis-autism]

anyways since i hurt my wrist ive been reading a lot of DHMIS fic, and as such i have some opinions on alla them! i also have some faves that i am going to reccomend now if any of you are in the mood to read:

First up, this whole series of DHMIS shorts are SO well-written and very bittersweet. They’re both sort of mini stories AND explorations of the positives and negatives of each individual character in the trio + their dynamics with each other. Pretty accurate to the characters, I think, and just straight up, well-written, fun to read. CANNOT OVERSTATE how much I enjoyed these ones. This was my fave of the three, I think about it ALL the time. Though, honestly, you can’t just read ONE and not read the others!

Alright, next is my FAVE FAVE FAAVEE dog/dad duo fic! I love a lot about this fic! I love the in-character dialogue, I love the thoughtful way this fic explores one of my favorite dynamics in the show! It's heartfelt and awkward and jumpy and misshapen- and I think it's a pretty fantastic avenue to take when exploring these characters. There's also a bit of existential terror, for those of you who like that element of the show! Anyways, this fic is literally ALWAYS going to have a rent-free space in my heart.

THIS ONE is a really smart and thought out rearrangement of the first TV season, with a kind of emotional narrative throughline that I gotta say, I was invested in. I always like fanworks that reintegrate lines from canon in different contexts and this is something this fic really understands how to do well. The epilogue made me understand why people will buy and read books telling the exact same event from a different characters POV. tbh i’d buy this if I could.

THIS one is short,sweet and REALLY fucking funny. I literally crack up just thinking about Duck asking Red which of the other two he’d rather be stuck with on a desert island. Comedy of errors with a bittersweet ending that has really stuck around in my head.

This one is less of a singular character exploration and more of a exploration of a hypothetical character dynamic ,imo. And I LOVE the dynamic in it so much! It's compelling, it's messy, it's very push-and-pull, it's like watching two cars almost crash into each other, miss, and then smash violently into poles in opposite sides of the street. I like the OCs in it ( they have a very funny bit going ), I like the fun little fanmade songs, and I like that the relationship between the two main characters is used as a really good platform to see what their insecurities  and their worst traits are up close. I rarely see ship fics that do that! And as someone who is far more interested in the characters themselves than the ship together, I am all in on the carnage. 

[tragicbeauty1991]

So, I’m planning to go see Disney’s new movie Wish when it comes out, and as perhaps is unsurprising, I’m most excited about the film’s villain. King Magnifico looks like he’s gonna be a fun, likable (in the sense you love to hate them) villain while also perhaps being a little more complicated. Some things I’m loving so far from the trailer clips and soundtrack:

We get a classic Disney villain again! Finally! There’s nothing wrong with the “surprise” villains or the idea of family trauma as being the real source of evil but I have desperately missed the old villains who embraced and reveled in their role. We’ve been severely lacking in those over-the-top villains with their catchy songs and big personalities for a long time now, and it’s good to see it again.

“This is the Thanks I Get,” while a lot more upbeat and lighthearted compared to many classic villain songs, is definitely a song that gets stuck in your head. Gives me Gaston vibes, for sure.

Classic evil villain lime green returns!

I really have missed how the old hand drawn characters used to be so strongly based on the voice actors performing the role. You could see the live action reference model’s facial expressions, etc., in the character if you looked closely. It made them feel more…real? Human? Wish, though not traditionally animated, seems to be returning to that to some extent. King Magnifico looks exactly like an animated Chris Pine should.

I don’t think we’ve ever had much in the way of evil kings. (Unless you count Scar, maybe, but I’m mostly talking about human characters here.) We’ve had plenty of evil queen tropes and we do have Hans, who is a prince, but this just feels different somehow. I think part of it is the fact that the king is married. Most all the classic villains are single. Magnifico has a wife who genuinely seems to love him and is concerned when he lets the power go to his head.

“At All Costs” - This song is the least advertised and yet probably the best on the soundtrack in my opinion. It’s a gorgeous villain/hero duet that sounds like (entirely out of context) it could be a love song or a father/daughter duet. Now, I’m totally aware that that is very likely NOT what is actually going on in the song, BUT it doesn’t take away from the fact that we rarely, if ever, get to hear a villain be a part of such a sweet, gentle song. It’s different and I like the “softness” of it. Chris Pine has a great voice and while “This is the Thanks I Get” is fun, “At All Costs” is the song that really showcases his talent.

I’m not expecting King Magnifico to have a change of heart in the end, but I do like how Disney has seemingly gotten just the right mix of a classic villain and a complicated character in Magnifico. I hope he lives up to the hype!

[hezuart]

A handful of songs for Mono and Seven, but let's let Six have some glory and discuss a song for her:

Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day.

This song might fit multiple LN characters, but I think it fits Six the most.

You said that Six is a lone wolf, so the song's constant theme of being alone suits her. The 'what's f*cked up' bit could reference her being repulsed of screwed up things like her finding out that kids are being cooked and served as food in the Maw (cannibalism), and she has to choose picking between the sausage she knows is made of human flesh or a Nome (just a critter as far as she knows and that she may have hugged up to 12 of before).

And the line from the song that's made for her is 'My shadow's the only one that walks beside me', because of Shadow Six.

Ah, a Six playlist!

Yes, Boulevard of Broken Dreams... the lyrics fit well. Great choice! ~~~

Ruins (Ella Isaacson) - Voices in the head, trapped in a madhouse, burning betrayal, the ending is an escape... walking away from the ruins.

Blood // Water (grandson) - Sacrifices, corrupt systems, the price of greed, poisoned.

Without Me (Halsey) - Supporting someone you feel left you behind. In a way, that person moving on to bigger more powerful things because of what you did for them... even if the context for this is wrong.

Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea (XYLO) - Circling tides like time, drowning, needing saving; the choice between the chaos of the land or the chaos of the sea and being stuck amidst both of them.

Run Boy Run (Woodkid) - Also befitting of Mono and Seven... Fleeing from a world not meant for you. People trying to catch you. One day you'll grow up, but for now you are young and must flee when you are powerless.

Living in the Shadows (Matthew Perryman Jones) - Confused on who the enemy is. Shadows. Feeling like something was taken from you. Seeing a truth others can't. No longer hiding from one's dark side.

Falling Inside the Black (Skillet) - Dreaming of the way things used to be. Having a connection with someone. That someone leaving you in some way. Begging to not be alone. Falling into darkness.

Youth (Daughter) - Those who still breathe are lucky, because you breathe through corruption. Shadows settle in after someone left. Chasing the future. One day revealing the truth that could threaten your life. Apathy. Old memories recollected. Destruction caused by someone important, a shocking revelation. A silhouette, a shadow of yourself than you were before. Bitter feelings. Perhaps still missing the one who your feelings have soured for.

Vandalize (ONE OK ROCK) - Safety, rebuilding... caught off guard, broken heart, betrayal, marked by those you once knew.

Goodbye (Ramsey) - Memories of bloodshed; smoke up ahead. No longer recognizing one's home... wondering where your childhood friend disappeared to. Deciding its time to say goodbye to it all.

Fault Line (The Rigs) - Standing up to a world as a hero, only to flee and hide when the world bites back. Crushed dreams, caught in the wreckage, unable to tell friend from foe. Caught in the crossfire of the war inside one's soul. Searching for that someone... no matter what side they are on.

Living Hell (Bella Poarch) - Don't let people close. Threaten to make one's life a living Hell. Won't change. Always been cruel.

Two Birds (Regina Spektor) - Two friends. One rambunctious and free. The other promises they too will be like this... but lies.

Carousel (Melanie Martinez) - Round and round like a time loop. No turning back. Running through playland hand in hand. Freakshows together. Disappearing act.

Tag, You're it (Melanie Martinez) - Playing tag. Rough housing. Getting kidnapped.

Milk and Cookies (Melanie Martinez) - Lunacy, craziness. Singing a lullaby where you die at the end. Cookies baked sweet and poisoned for you. Never want to see you again. Ashes burning down.

Playground (Bea Miller) - Playground of nightmares and fantasies. Welcome to the lost and found. Prices to pay, sinking into the wasteland.

Mountains (Message to Bears) - (Also works for Mono and Seven) Running away into the night, always could have. Maybe never could have.

Gasoline (Halsey) - Been insane, been in pain. Wasting a pretty face. This isn't a dream. Part of the machine. Not human. Living on a screen. A face made up. Lighting matches. Pointing fingers. Voices in your head. Heart of gold, but hands are cold.

Season of the Witch (Donovan) - Things to see. Strange faces, strange places. Witches and stitches. Surreal and paranormal.

DARKSIDE (Neoni) - No heroes or villains. Shadows in your head. Phantoms. Monsters and demons. Darksides. Embracing madness. Living in nightmares.

Dolls (Bella Poarch) - Cute, polite doll. Deranged and backstabbing beneath. Knife under the sheets. Bitter and Sweet. Provoked and then attacked. Walking all over those who went after you.

INFERNO (Sub Urban, Bella Poarch) - Sweet but villainous. Run away. Be afraid as she loses her head.

Evil Spider (BENEE) - Tangled together. Never letting go. Won't bite unless you hurt me or struggle. Fangs out. Run and hide.

[fictionfixations]

i watched alien stage for the first time

watched it all. im. gonna go rewatch it and look at the comments. i wrote this while i was still in the process of watching it cause i wanted to get my thoughts out and i mightve forgotten otherwise but

the way the moment ivan and till were introduced and i just thought 'oh no' (I READ AN ALIEN STAGE CROSSOVER FIC OK and it was THE PUSH I NEEDED TO GET INTO ALIEN STAGE and it has to do with ivan and till)

also i heard that someones favorite song was ruler of my heart. yeah thats my favorite too ………………but cure is also fighting for that spot, ruler of my heart will get stuck in my head but cure.. AGHHH FUCK man i cant tell if its cause i read that fic but oh round 6 made me want to cry what the fuck. like like like before i was like.. watching it in suspense??? like prepared for everything kind of deal cause i had like a base idea of how this was gonna go but FUCK i need to STOP pausing and just do one full watch through and then go back and pause??? CAUSE i keep pausing on my first listen to see the details and i just see till's like points rising and ivan's lower when i went back and realized oh. OHHHH. also out of everything i did not expect a kiss 😭 i genuinely cannot tell if its so impactful because i read the fic or if it wouldve still hit me with no idea on who these two were

im SO baffled on how i managed to get attached to characters in the span of like a few minutes. FUCKKK.

also the way it took me so long until i realized that they have like their names on like their collarbone??? is that what its called? or like around the neck area. it took TILL. i think i noticed it in the first video but i just couldnt make out what it was but it mightve been clearer in another shot so ill have to see on rewatch. i also wonder if the color on like the white collar?? thing??? around the neck means anything? cause sometimes its like green, red, or orange but im not sure if it means anything.

also the way luka(? DUDE if i had a nickel for every time i saw a character named luka id have like 3) keeps like… sort of. impersonating? or like reminding???? the other character of like a past opponent (who was their friend)???? !?!??!?!?!?! WHATS UP WITH THAT????? ..if its impersonating them though i wonder if its like. his body language changes to closely fit the other person to probably fuck with till and pink haired girl who i do not know the name of 💀? or maybe if its that he reminds them of well them but that hes not going out of his way to do it ? but there was that line on the ruler of my heart one with like something something like similarities?? darkness??? and it showed the black-haired girl and him changing places?? so im thinking its intentional

i have so many questions.

also i wonder if maybe the reason lukas doing like the impersonating thing which clearly strikes a nerve and makes the other person want to fight back or lose composure, if maybe its that vulnerability or break in the image trying to be portrayed that leads to luka winning as its not the kind of thing the aliens want even though till was clearly very passionate. ………..i refuse to think that luka could win on his own merit even though ruler of my heart was a banger /hj

i i need a moment to process this

does anyone have more lore. like. anything compiled up of the story that i can play catch up on?? i

i heard theres like a patreon and twitter with more details on it but

i feel like a mess rn 😭

anyway i need to go back and rewatch everything with this new context

..and then im gonna try to read some alien stage fics for like idk maybe haha happy fluff what if nothing bad ever happened cause fuck man holy shit.

ALSO ALSO what was up with the the th teh e luka(?????) when he he he he he (assumedly) beat up that guy (who in an earlier shot was like carrying hyuna on his back as kiddos?) after i think he (luka) was trying to kiss hyuna??? is that her name? and like

his fingers tips were turning like that blue-ish shade that it is now??

and like i look at that and think of how that pink haired girl at the end of her hair was turning blue and i dont know if that means anything but i noticed it and then i forgot to mention it again

also nother thing. i had a like on the round one video even tho i don't have a recollection of watching it so i guess somewhere in the past it ended up on my recommended, i watched it, i liked it, and then proceeded to forget i ever watched it. huh. tbh though i think it was better that i only got into alien stage now cause its like. you ever feel like you only gained awareness recently?? and like the years you lived before just kind of feel faded and you cant really remember them ??

idk man i have weird thoughts but its because it feels like i wasnt really aware aware then that i wouldnt have been able to properly appreciate it until now

lives rent free in my head:

crying cryinsjfuisj 'i knew it but thats what i love about you' type ass smile you

[bluebudgie]

So I have this long-standing tradition where, after I finish a video game, I sit down and listen to the soundtrack outside of the game's context.

It serves as a sort of "conclusion" to the experience and simultaneously helps me evaluate the game as a whole a little better... After all the soundtrack is often what sticks with us long after we're done actively playing a game. It preserves the memories we've made along the way.

That means: I have finally found the FF Sixteen OST online in its entirety and could finally follow through with this tradition. (Debatable how much it applies considering I didn't actually play the game myself, but it felt necessary.)

The final missing piece to the pissbaby gamer rage essay. Significantly less raging this time, though.

It's okay. I don't love it. There's worse.

I had very unfavourable opinions of the OST during the game itself which might have been due to the overall pacing issues, where large stretches were filled with the same hub music and then everything bombastic all happened at once and either side of the coin was exhausting in its own way.

I still can't believe there are over 200 songs in the OST when I could have sworn I heard like. Maybe 10 or so during gameplay. A lot of it is very same-y. A large part of the OST can be split into "loud choir explosion" or "sad piano". There isn't a whole lot in between. Good for people who like it, not so much for me.

Which means my biggest issue is the very subjective "I just don't like the style". It's not a bad soundtrack, but I'm just really not a fan of the direction the music took. The battle themes are over the top (fair for the equally over the top DBZ kaijū battles, annoying with 3 wolves that show up on the side of the road). The calmer songs don't really hit right for me. No chord progressions or melodies that hook me. Unfortunate. I did however appreciate the electronic influences in the music when the alien baddies were on screen. (in this fantasy game that is based on medieval reality and that's why people of colour cant exi-)

I have also since learned that there isn't one acoustic guitar song that plays for 20 hours straight. There are like 6 or so that all sound the same. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. I hate them all. (I don't hate acoustic guitars. It's these songs in particular.)

That said - I was curious about which ones are people's favourite tracks of the OST and went checking those out in particular. Consistently in people's tops was Ascension and I can't deny that one's been plagueing (semi-endearing) my memory a bunch the past days. Probably the theme that stuck out the most to me while watching the game. If not the entire theme, then at the very least That Violin Part. If you know, you know.

You know what. If you don't know, here:

(footage stolen from here)

Like damn. Good rhythm going on there with the off beats. Also fits the relevant character nicely in terms of mood. And I like that the battle phase before this one has a more low-key version of this song playing before it goes into this full ham version.

I just kinda wish more of the battle music had been a bit more... this. A bit more... subtle. Like yes it slaps hard but this song legitimately feels calm in comparison to the other battle tracks. This drives me nuts.

There's one other song I keep getting stuck in my head which is one that plays fairly close to the end (in the final... "dungeon" (cutscene? sequence? QTE battle?)). I figured out today that I don't actually really enjoy listening to the song on its own but I like it in-game in combination with the voice perfomance. There's an interesting dissonance in it that blends super nicely with the voice acting. (I'm being held hostage by the game's voice acting. It's unfortunately way too good. Voice actors are once again holding too much power over me.)

Other than that... I have one final criticism. The prelude theme. We must. Leave it. Alone. Enough. It's fine playing once as a gimmick somewhere in the game (I do genuinely like the menu (pause screen?) arrangement) but having it woven into what seems like every 5th song feels like someone is smacking a sign into your face that screams "YOU ARE PLAYING A FINAL FANTASY GAME." Seriously it's unbearable. (Also I did take notice of the FF1 overworld theme being rearranged into a battle theme for the final segment of the game. I don't know why, but fine. Not complaining about that one.)

Overall it's a solid "mh" from me. Not the worst OST we've had in the series (thirteen trilogy exis-COUGHAGFNJKN) but definitely on the lower end for me. Not of bad quality, but not my cup of tea at all. Dark Souls III OST executed the epic orchestra choirs better somehow. More interesting composition. Spaced out better throughout the game. Idk.

Welp. Back to getting haunted by voices and violins now o/

[doesnot-really-exist]

Roasting the Absolute Perfection (I can't with this title)

Context: Eden is my fav unit

Warning: images

I'm not gonna lie, the song reminds me of Turbulent Storm. From all the techno music to its progression, like it's calm before suddenly– yeah you know

But unlike Turbulent Storm that is catchy and can be sung, this Absolute Perfection doesn't really get stuck in my head.

Seriously, Turbulent Storm is so catchy though, I never read the lyrics but I can like Go ahead! Blablabla uhh Kimi no frontierrrr cross the storm! Koete Ike, koete Ike, yeahhhh

Exceed also lives rent free in my head, or any other enstars songs I've repeated so many times, so maybe? The Absolute Perfection will get stuck in my head too beyond the aaaaaaaa… aaaaaaaa…. Haaaaaaaaa…. Aaaaaaaa x2

(I-it's like a 2000s barbie movies song)

But it's at last, like finally, a Nagisa-center song holy sheet, how many years have it been? Even in Adam, Melting Rouge Soul is Ibara-center. and in shuffle, it's just Sakumas. At least Hiiro got Vermillion and Hysteric Humanoid before the Black out see-saw but Nagisa's are just uh basic songs like Awakening Myth, The genesis etc. Oh there's Deep eklipus. But does it really count.

So anyway his voice would just be overshadowed by others, imho if I hear them sing together all I can hear is Hiyori

And the MV is also kinda lacking at a glance with the only effects being butterflies, light up tower, color-changing sky, lotus on the ground, fire sprinkler, some smoke & lighting (basic) and the random ray of divine light at the beginning. Oh and the giant gate.

But if I imagine that stage irl, it's extremely cool though, with sheer size of everything and the fricking 360° sky changing colors (the heck is this stage, are they in the Las Vegas round building). It's amazing.

And I absolutely love the giant gate, it reminds me of Virgo Shijima's ability.

Pictured: Shijima attacking Suikyo with Four Doors of the Buddha

Wait, I'm here to roast. So I get that their theme in this song is like eastern paradise, but those clothes are inexcusable. It's not that bad, but the white pearl necklace is just… horrible…

The symbolism is there though

And also, a pearl is a gemstone (but not a stone). As a gemstone enjoyer, ofc Nagisa also has it in his feature scout 2 outfit.

His fs 2 is white, complete with absolutely perfect transparent white gloves, the pearls are perfect there.

And in SS, the outfit is also white.

Meanwhile, I dislike the pearl necklace on the MV with passion. It just looks gaudy or like Miss Piggy from the Muppets or Lisa Simpson (sorry not sorry). The illustrated picture doesn't look as bad as in the MV though.

Butterfly symbolism is also kinda overused nowadays, so yeah just check out the TV tropes page.

Tldr; they thought they could get away with the outfits, stage, and song… they did. (Help). But definitely Psyche's Butterfly >>>>>>>>> Absolute Perfection

[infoglitch]

Fuck.

Yeah im currently suffering. Not any wounds, not any insults, not any tragedies, just... God.

Let's talk about red like roses. (All 3 parts)

Oki need to give context. I'm glitch and I have been a... Scarred fan of rwby. I enjoyed the first four Volumes before I kinda feel off after volume 5. At first I was very much in love with it but once I finished Volume 5 I just felt hollow like I didn't want to watch the series so I left it, and I left the fandom before ever being able to interact with it.

And so as explained by my complicated relationship with Rwby I only really got back into the series because of BBtag. And then I looked into it and oh dear God it's a mess.

Apparently it's already volume 9 and apparently the writing is getting better which I find hard to believe still.

Bmblb happened which is just.. wow, took 3 volumes to finish a subplot I had no interest in because let's face it, little me didn't get sexuality because I was in a religious house hold and also because I was never exposed to that media so when first read the word lesbian. I read it as "leash-a-bin". (It sounded Spanish ok.)

Anyway I also found out about the uh... The "allegations" of rt and yeah. And obviously a combination of "i could do it better", spite, and love for rwby all mix together into me deciding to write page 1 of rwby: fate, and that's where I put my foot down and said "I'm writing this, because I need to give this series it's respect".

So now here I am 5 pages deep into Rwby fate and 63 pages deep in my own book. And I'm on my bed just looking for music to listen to and I come across.

Red

Like

Roses

I listened to it and it just... God it feels so strange listening to a song I barely listen to before and I'm flooded with melancholy and yet nostalgia. This song is still good despite everything and it just hurts to listen and know, this is a song for a series that has done nothing but fail and harm it's fans.

It hurts because this song, captures the idea of ruby. She's still naive no matter how you look at it. She became a huntress to be like her mother and the rest of her family as well as to follow in the footsteps of her favorite fairy tales. Fairy tales, y'know, the fairy tales that inspired the characters.

Red riding hood,

Snow White,

Beauty and the beast,

Goldi(Y)locks, (that one's kind of a stretch I know)

RWBY

And thats not all of it because technically red like roses is only one a third of the whole actual song. Theres still part II in which is just a major tone shift

🎶I couldn't take it, couldn't stand another minute

Couldn't bear another day without you in it

All of the joy that I had known for all my life

Was stripped away from me the minute that you died

To have you in my life was all I ever wanted

But now without you, I'm a soul forever haunted

Can't help but feel that I had taken you for granted

No way in hell that I can ever comprehend this

I wasn't dreaming when they told me you were gone

I was wide awake and feeling that they had to be wrong

How could you leave me when you swore that you would stay?

Now I'm stuck inside a nightmare every single effing day

It's like a movie but there's not a happy ending

Every scene fades black and there's no pretending

This little fairy tale doesn't seem to end well

There's no knight in shining armor who will wake me from the spell

I know you didn't plan this

You tried to do what's right

But in the middle of this madness

I'm the one (I'm the one) you left to win this fight

Red like roses

Fills my head with dreams and finds me

Always closer to the emptiness and sadness

That has come to take the place of you🎶

Just, holy shit does this feel strange listening to. While the other one is melancholic and quiet, only having four lyrics during the start.

Part II is just a fury of emotions that just hit me HARD. The first was so quiet letting it's music sing for it self and the second one was the flurry of spiraling feelings. The anger, the sorrow, the regret, all spiraling into each other creating a hectic and wild rhythm. And it just absolutely HITS for me. And yet this isn't my favorite part of red like roses.

That goes to-

(yes I'm using the one for the lyrics fuck you)

Part III is interesting. It's from volume yet this feels like a volume 1 song. The song unlike it's predecessors speaks a new tune, a calm, determined, tone with it not focusing only on the past but also on the now, it's collected itself and it's ready to go forward. To escape the pain and move forward.

This is all just fancy words but I do love each part of red like roses. And it still reminds me of my love for rwby and it just..

It hurts to remember every bit of rwby and the failure it's becoming, we will most likely never see rwby V10 and if we do it'll probably be the final volume.

And I'm divided, I hate rooster teeth and want them to fail but I still want rwby to get an ending. But I've gone over this dilemma.

Right now all I have to say is...

"Fuck, I love rwby."

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

what was your view of coney island when it was released and what is it now?

because with all the new information we have about that relationship I honestly think this song is kind of the mother of midnights. the reference to old relationships in the bridge and knowing that he wrote or contributed in some way today makes me think that that reflection on the song was about them

idk, for me there is a bridge between coney island -> most of the tracks of midnights -> dear reader -> hits different -> ttpd

makes sense to you? I thought about asking about this song when you were talking about cold in some other song that I don't remember which one it was, but it reminded me of “and it gets colder and colder when the sun goes down” 😂

OK so one thing to know about me is that despite the fact that I've been listening to Taylor casually since Debut, was a huge fan of 1989, and consider myself a pretty serious fan since at least Lover (as in that's when I started following her more online and not just for the music), I really didn't know much about the personal lore until after folklore 😂 I loved her music, but I wasn't the type to be like, "omg this song is about this person!! Or this event!!" when I'd listen to it. Obviously, some of them were obvious to me (e.g. LWYMMD, Paper Rings, Bad Blood, etc.) but what I'm saying is that I didn't dissect the muses or inspiration as much as I connected with the lyrics.

And the next thing to know about me is that even though evermore is my favourite album... Coney Island is not a song I think about a lot 😂 I know, that's going to send me to Swiftie jail. I don't dislike it! It's just not one of the ones I gravitate towards generally unless I'm listening to the album in full. So when evermore came out, I honestly just thought it was a complex story about a relationship breakdown that she wrote with the dudes from The National. 😂 Obviously I knew a lot of Taylor's music was personal, but I was also of the belief (and still am tbh) that while she may have taken emotions and situations she's experienced and put them into her songs, the actual details/circumstances aren't always factual. (Hence, folkmore. I clocked that before it was cool haha.)

So back to Coney Island. I would say that when it came out, I didn't think of it at all in terms of her personal relationship. I could certainly believe some personal feelings infused in it, because like I said that's what writers do. But it wasn't a song that, like, gave me pause. (As opposed to, say, False God, which immediately sent red flags up to me when Lover came out.) And tbh, I still don't know, precisely because it was written collaboratively. I think I see it sort of like The Alcott -- you can certainly see where her influence is, and can infer what inspired it, but I'm not sure how much of the story is hers and how much is Aaron/Bryce/Matt?/or Joe's writing. Looking at the credits, I don't know if Taylor wrote it all and the National dudes just got credit because of the music as is often the case when they get credit, or if they all wrote it collaboratively or what.

Reading the lyrics now, like really reading them, it's kind of a lot tbh lol. "And if this is the long haul, how'd we get here so soon?" is a lyric that has always stuck with me, like suddenly coming to an impasse you didn't even know was on the horizon. I'm actually like, processing this song for the first time I think, which is a little scary four years down the line lol. So thanks for that I guess? 🥴 j/k.

I guess it's hard for me to really deconstruct in this context just because I'm not entirely sure where it falls on the inspiration line. But I do think that it may be quite telling and I can see the pipeline to Midnights you mention. And, um, the quiet resentment. "The question pounds my head, 'What's a lifetime of achievement?' if I pushed you to the edge, but you were too polite to leave me," is ooooooooof. Like. Yeah. Because that's kind of the crux of a lot of Midnights, which culminates in TTPD. The golden age coming to a whimpering end before you know it, the distance, the miscommunication, the misunderstanding, the lack of consideration, but still the kernel of love underneath it all that makes it so hard to let go.

Thanks for this! It definitely gave me something to think about! What was your line of thinking on it?

[wavernot4love]

recap of wavernot4love's epic thursday, well.... thursday last night (aka the first day of their tour in syracuse w/ gel, pinkshift, & vinnie caruana), let's freakin go!!!

- geoff seemed SO happy and he was really thriving off our energy it was so nice and infectious that man has been one of my favorite frontpeople ever since i saw thursday at adjacent

- geoff bringing back the bit from adjacent explaining emo nights as unfortunate places where people get drunk and make out to the worst music you could make out to and "just when you think it can't get any worse, a guy turns to you and starts criticizing you on the difference between third and fourth wave emo.... and that's when they play this song" [immediately goes into understanding]

- also the THING he does that i get really excited about where he points the mic during the chorus of understanding idk it's wholesome (you can kinda see it in the clip)

- geoff bringing up it downpouring the whole day and saying it was fitting for thursday and then asking if we'd be down to bring a little party (because even these dudes have a little party in them) and then said they were gonna play their version of a song about new year's and well. naturally, jbny went TOO hard as always. thursday goes heavy may be my favorite take on thursday.... what can i say, the boys can write BANGERS!!! anyways, i always (i say thisblike i have seen them more than twice) go so very hard for this one especially.

- SIGNALS OVER THE AIR!! remains one of my favorite live songs of theirs. neat how much it's been turned into a sort of (?) protest song + celebration. i love geoff's intro every time and i love the way that man loves people

- really cool drastic transition into fast to the end w the whole band suddenly walking back onstage to join geoff and go into it

- geoff is the secret third brother of madball & agnostic front (i am feeling silly and will not be giving context on this one)

- deep cuts were played!!! like beyond the visible spectrum. geoff was telling a story that feels too personal to go into detail here but he did end it by saying music is the way he ecperiences spirituality since he was never able to connect w that kinda thing in the traditional way and that really stuck with me dude

- also steps ascending!

- (after the encore, /lh) "we go back there, die for a minute, and then when we hear you chant thursday enough we resurrect ourselves"

- war all the time felt. very special geoff was going on before it about the thursday dudes having saved his life and being grateful for us for being there so they can share this together for 26 years now and. man it was special i just kept making hand hearts @ geoff. also he said something about us making room for some dudes from a little state called new jersey or something along those lines fhhfhd

and the wavernot4love specialties...

- my bullets lockscreen & past lives homescreen shining in the air every time i went to go into the camera app to take a video .... Yea . geoff and tucker know exactly what i am

- badly yelling "IT'S A NEWSPAPER TRAGEDY" while geoff just like. calmly sort of spoken word'd it

- I GOT A TUCKER THURSDAY KANDI!! aka what i will b wearing every tucker thursday for the foreseeable future

- didn't get to meet anybody unfortunately this time but i did continue my ongoing unintentional bit of acting like a cryptid around tucker (homie came out just to go to the bus and i didn't wanna bother him since he wasn't fully stopping/was carrying stuff so i stuck my head down at a 90 degree angle to stare at my phone while basically pushing myself into the window behind me dhhdh) ((the first cryptid incident was dunes toronto 23 when i went to go get my posters & cd out of my car after the show a block away then went to go back by the buses & on the way the two of us somehow wound up waiting at the same crosswalk so i tried to hide i was a dunes person and probably just looked twitchy and still like an absolute dunesie))

get out to a show!

dates:

link to get tix:

[phantom-does-a-thing]

will. bestie. i have a question thats been in my head for days but i keep forgetting to ask.

whats the flesh dimension and how bad should i be to get sent there. please. i wanna go to the flesh dimension

ok so I feel like the flesh dimension bit has way more context than it actually should. And that context went on in like a million paragraphs so I'm gonna put it under a cut bc it got so incredibly long. There is a lot of backstory behind the flesh dimension part and what's funny is there could be about 2 or 3 contexts behind this that I could explain. I always seem to come back to different flesh dimensions, but bc ik ur referring to what my discord status has been I will explain why it is that

Basically the other day my partner was streaming for me a new game that they had bought for 7 dollars bc they had seen some screenshots of the game and thought it was interesting. Song of Saya. It's an insanely weird and slightly disturbing Japanese (I believe it is from Japan iirc) visual novel that if it tells you anything I think RIGHT off the bat it gave you the option to turn the gore graphics off or adjust how bad you want the gore. And because I am evil evil evil, I told my partner not to turn the gore off at all.

Anyway. This Game. is So gory. It's awful, it's like so gross and I wish I got to see it in all it's glory but I was stuck seeing it through the few pixels that a discord stream allows me to see. Anyway the basic plot of the game that I understood (bc my partner only played like two hours of it for me before I had to go) is that this dude got into an accident and received an experimental brain surgery or some sort of neurological surgery/treatment. This guy is also a medical student, I hate the main protagonist tbh and Saya who is NOT the main protaganist but she is also there and I also hate her. The plot of this game is insane.

Anyway, the surgery messed up this dudes brain so horribly that now he is stuck in a nightmare flesh hellscape, what me and my partner have dubbed the "flesh dimension" So every person that this dude talks to all his previous friends and anyone he knows is transformed into these disgusting fleshy blobs of gore and viscera as well as everything is literally COVERED in gore and organs and flesh and by covered I mean things have now become gore. It affects all of his senses so smell, taste, hearing, sight, touch, he is essentially in every single way but literal (even though it is real to him) he is in a flesh dimension. And obviously because hes in a flesh dimension he starts to become a real prick bc all his friends just see him from the outside perspective and he is rapidly fighting every urge to like freak out and just explode.

So yeah, he became a prick bc of the flesh dimension or whatever and so yeah, he's a naughty boy that gets put in the flesh dimension. He also like VIOLENTLY rejected his friends love confession and just like threw in her face how much he hated her how much her voice and appearance made him sick (bc flesh world stuff) and how he couldn't stand being by any of them. Which yeah.

Saya is also the only "human" being that he can see. so she just looks like a normal person to him and he met her in the hospital when he was recovering and she now lives with him and eats people but he doesn't know that. He also can eat people and they actually taste GOOD for once bc everything else in the flesh world tastes disgusting. Me and my partner assume that she is actually the flesh monster that looks normal to him bc he's in the flesh world.

it's a super interesting game and a super interesting plot and like. I would put screenshots but like THATS how gross and gory it is at least from what I could see from my bad quality discord stream that I was lovingly subjected to. It's also a really weird game style bc its like not really a game you're just watching the entire thing, it's just a visual novel there's no choices or decisions you're just playing through the story, you have no affect on it. So it's a really weird game system that I feel like I've never seen before, but yeah, it's super interesting and I really like it. No idea where my partner got it from tho so idk where to play it.

me and my partner are matching statuses btw

Some notable quotes that really solidify the watching experience: "you have to go to a taylor swift concert in the flesh dimension" "Maybe the flesh dimension is a trans allegory" "his pathetic flesh world swag has bewitched her in body and soul" "dont cry it just makes you uglier" (I cant remember if I was quoting the game but I did say this and scared my partner bc they thought I meant that towards them) "Secret nurse? shes like twelve and also a flesh monster" So to answer your question: you have to get experimental nerurosurgery and or just be a general massive prick to your friends to get sent to the flesh dimension. Or hmu for more options to get sent to the Flesh World dw about the cost

[yandere-monoma]

good evening it is 4am and i have writer's block so imma reread one of my fave recent fics and reminisce about having the ability to write lmfao

so WHOO, eat your young: director's commentary:

the fuckin song gets stuck in my head every time i read the title HJGKFGS originally i was stuck between this one or another title from aNOTHER song but i forgot what that song was so note to self: edit this post when i remember LOL

lines like these are ones that potentially make me dissociate to reread HAHAHA. i don't even know if it quite portrays the atmosphere i'm usually referencing with lines like these (there's something about the lighting that accompanies irl traumatic memories for me that i always end up focusing on and trying to allude to in writing even when i'm not necessarily trying to project... being drenched in darkness with only one point of light to focus on... @_@) but idk its tasty and i love how i opened this fic teehee

this opening scene is very much a love letter (and quick summary of) all the FUCKIN stridercest fics i've read throughout the years, like one of the many things i love about any darkfic niche part of fandom is that there tends to be these few locations that everyone settles on and obsesses over for their ships. for todocest it's the dojo, for goyuu its the basement, for a lot of stridercest fics it's bro's couch/futon. i wanted something that was quickly recognizable for anyone who also has been reading their way through the tag like i have HJSKFG

one of those teeny tiny lil motifs that i had fun sprinkling in ghsdjfkg very fun to play with homestuck's use of color motifs and what it could provide for dave in this new context. it's also a reference to the epilogues, which i'm more obvious about when i bring the motif back later:

in the epilogues, there's a few moments where john waxes poetic about the slightly unsettling environment of earth c

and the thought of that drove me crazy. earth c and the way it's supposed to represent this unfitting paradise that's just a little bit wrong and a little too perfect and the way that perfection grates at you when you start to notice it. i love the metaphor of paradise being uncomfortable because of all the trauma and grief and fighting that preceded it. rly reminds me of how hard it is irl to adjust to happiness and love and comfort after being abused and hurt for so long 😩😩😩

don't even ask me where the bro drinks hibiki hc came from but it's something i carried over from the brorose pornverse because ~consistency~

nothing to say besides being proud of this LOL

...

...

...

man i have such a love/hate relationship with writing dave dialogue and by that i mean i hate it cuz i never think it's enough LMFAO. i envy anyone who can adopt homestuckian humor and wit easily because i can Not. like i try my best but just know every second i gotta write this idiot talking i'm screaming in agony and bleeding out my ass about it internally JHKFGS

wonder if i'd feel differently if his dialogue was in the pesterchum fonts tho...

CRAZY how much i like that better HAHAHFGKSDFG

one day i'll do a fic where the dialogue is done like the epilogues but until then i suffer and die every time i have to use proper grammar for dave's speech, anyway,

ANYWAY john being a terrible parent is one of the sexiest things that has ever been done with his character i'm so thankful for it godjskfgsdfg and i love thinking about dave's misplaced guilt on the matter. "You want to be on your best friend's side for this, sure, bristling with the instinct to defend him, but you can't commit to it. The sad kid in front of you, put out and missing his father's love, that's who has all your sympathy right now." dave being unable to keep from projecting onto harry from the start, unable to keep from instantly empathizing with the child's point of view in this scenario (partially because he can't unsee himself as anything but an abused child even despite his growing age) and immediately feeling himself distancing emotionally from john at the thought that he could be anything like bro as a guardian.

it's actually a shame i didn't rly get a chance to elaborate on this further because i think there's a lot of fun to be had with thinking about dave's reactions to john's parenting from this point on, like... GOD. when john tried to kidnap tavvy as a kid???????????? feel like that's a fucking GOLD mine of possibly triggering ammo against dave's psyche goddamnit

if harry didn't change the subject here, he would have started bashing john for his drinking habits and canon tendency to traumadump on him while drunk HJSKFG he's made harry incredibly uncomfortable more than a few times doing this and i think it's definitely made an impression on him, but harry decides not to because he doesn't want to do the same thing to dave. he also doesn't want to remind dave that they're doing anything 'bad' here

writing shit like this into a story rly is just for the purpose of practicing interiority in characterization hehe. i feel like it's also a side effect from writing for theatre, trying to mimic as many naturalistic structures of dialogue as possible. fun to fit in tangents that just never really get answered or directly referred to

THE WAY THERE WAS NO ROOM TO TALK ABOUT DAVEJADE FAILED MARRIAGE BUT GOD I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT DAVEJADE FAILED MARRIAGE SO BAAAAAAAD tfw you spend all your free time hanging out with teenagers to avoid having sex with your loving wife

...

this part of the fic is fun because originally this idea came from a discord convo

and it is SO FUCKING FUN to write prose around someone else's dialogue and thoughts 10/10 will recommend

it's especially fun too because all of dave's thoughts and dialogue from around this point on is mostly outlined by my friend, so it was so fun getting to work their insights and characterization into my own interpretation of his character

...

the build-up where dave and harry start snuggling drives me fucking crazy every time like every time i reread this bit i'm always biting on my knuckles and screaming goddamnit goddamnit dirty wrong awful intimacy that suddenly overwhelms you and crushes you and you don't even notice the way you're dissociating from your every action but you aRE

originally this paragraph was also supposed to have a davejade mention but i just couldn't figure out how to make the thought flow well with everything else. originally there was supposed to be something about the way he always shrinks away from jade's touches, how they always make him feel worse and feel colder than he did before she'd tried, but yeah... didnt fit... and ultimately i think the fic is stronger as is. jade being an afterthought that only vaguely gets talked around feels very ic for candy dave anyway HJGFK and rly everything that he feels towards her is more just a side effect of everything he's suffered by bro's hands. no need to focus on his discomfort about jade when his discomfort about harry is more than enough

that being said every time i remember everything i had to omit i WAAAAAAIL

"Syrup clogs your throat. Your throat burns dully, your tongue feeling heavy with that leftover numbing weight of sugar and liquor." lines i cant reread without rly badly craving booze

literally the biggest challenge of this fic was the fact that its secretly a johndave/daveroxy/daverose fic HAHAHGFJG like trying to balance the fact that one of dave's biggest driving forces when it comes to his attraction to harry is that he's just been hosting a million and one ultimately unrequited crushes all his life that he's now projecting forward and trying to showcase that without drawing tOOOOOOOO much attention away from the other main driving force (brodirk and the incest fetish he'd instilled in him)... so sooo hard to balance but i like to think i did a decent job

'let him escape this feeling like he might still be a good person' is such a fucking good line/thought/sentiment that i'm so upset i had no room for cuz it's so good HJGKFSGS who knows maybe one day i'll be able to figure out a way to squeeeeeeze it into an edit cuz god knows i still tweak this and all my fics every now and then

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i love this part... go off past ricky... do find it funny tho that i was ~vibing~ so hard with the prose that i forgot dave's canon ages just a tad HAHA shhhh

these are some of my favorite kisses i've ever written goddamnit

literally the funniest and most inspiring words my writing partner has ever said like LEGEND... it was this phrase specifically that made me drop everything and start writing this fic cuz i KNEW i needed to slap that onto the summary pls JGKLFSG

(Did you ever have a chance? Did he?)

i feel obligated to speak on this line because it's like. one of the huge major themes of the fic HJSKDFGSFG the inevitability of dave continuing a cycle that he's been trying to avoid. really, what can i say, though. this fic follows a timeline that's alluded to but still has yet to be written out (and who knows if i ever actually will write it out, i'm kinda just updating this fic series based on impulses) where dave moves on to project all his trauma with bro onto dirk after they win the game. i love the thought of them trying their best to keep up the brother routine before dave's need to retraumatize himself and dirk's own fucked up inclinations results in them becoming sexually involved. like, honestly, i could go on forever about dirkdave and the ways they make each other better and worse but yeah. the second dave gave into that self destructive urge, he was done. and it's something that bled into his marriage, that bled into his inability to rly engage with karkat, that fed on his ability to be his own person and work on his own recovery. dirk died and the universe went stagnant and with it, dave's ability to grow out of the mold he was forced into by bro

so yeah. he's already at this huge disadvantage. and while this fic focuses on dave's perspective, there's a lot to be said about harry's mindset as well. the way he's egging this on, the way he's encouraging it, the way he's trying to poke into any sort of vulnerability that dave may or may not have. the way he wouldnt quite have the words to pinpoint and identify shit like emotional incest or grooming but he can see that there's something wrong and exciting about what they're doing that he wants to take part in. being set up to failure because of john's neglect, already thinking he's more mature than he is because of it, perhaps knowing just a bit too much about romance and sex because of whatever weirdass confessions about his own relationships john had unwittingly given him. not to mention his feelings for dave and the way he makes him feel like they're equals and the way he gets attention and affection freely from him without really having to fuss and fight for it like he does with vrissy.

so yeah. these two were doomed from the start 😌💙

'That saccharine sear of shame that washes over you then only makes it worse. You can’t fucking believe you’re popping a boner ten seconds into a make-out session.'

so like, i wrote this before getting deep into the show succession and thank god cuz this def would have turned into a ramble about how dave probably was completely unable to get it up during sex with jade. that absolutely was the case because i like to think that dave really is just hardwired into having rly bad sexual hang-ups where his body is just so conditioned to react to a lack of consent and boundaries and an abundance of incest but now thanks to my intimate knowledge of roman roy i also know now that dave occasionally (frequently) has rly bad erectile dysfunction in the face of anything '''healthy'''. thanks a lot succ

this isn't where the wordplay starts but it's where a good amount of it is HJGKFG i feel like 'bro' is a silly word to use in big deep serious prose sometimes HAHAH so my reluctance to use it here is part of why this wordplay started but the other reason is because i have a BIG stylistic thing(tm) about playing with pronouns and names and what omitting them can do for the narrative. blurring bro and dirk by refusing to name them but letting their actions speak for which splinter is being referred to was a very fun experiment (though, perhaps less successful than other iterations of mine where i did this same sort of pronoun play... OH WELL they cant all be perfect)

mentally dave switches from aggressor to aggressor. this possessive need to destroy harry starts to bleed in, inspired by bro and what he'd done to dave and what he'd taught him of sexuality and domination. a part of him resists that, reminding him of the terrifying impact of it all, the horror of initiating and acting on a fucked up desire, and then he switches to dirk, projecting that forward instead. dirk, who he is currently choosing to see more as a victim, who was just trying to help dave as he pushed and pushed at him. it's simultaneously a moment where he can start to blame harry just a little bit about what's happening instead of himself (because harry keeps pushing, he keeps begging to do this, he thinks it's what he wants and dave is just helping him because he doesn't feel he has a choice) and it's a moment where he finally puts himself in dirk's shoes and realizes (fears) that maybe dirk didn't want this as much as he might have acted. that dirk had likely gone through a similar internal conflict that started to kill him inside.

'Jade tries, but something about her touch disgusted you.' IT WAS SUCH A STRUGGLE TO FINALLY MENTION HER LMFAOHSDJFKG such a relief... altho the line after this one rly kicked my ass i could not figure it out for the longest time hjskdfgsg jadey i love you im so sorry

this was an interesting divulgence from the original thought:

which i couldnt rly fit in especially with how balls deep we're into dave's thoughts at the moment but i love it

this line is so stupid HAHAJFGSFG its so funny to me. its a shoutout to me realizing halfway through the initial outline that they're actually half brothers instead of JUST uncle/nephew AND it's a reference to this specific incest joke in the epilogues

(the way harry is there to witness this moment and also say the word incest right after dave... a ship made for mE)

i love this sequence so much i'm so proud of it like FUCK

some of my friends have started to use this line as a copypasta now and it cracks me the FUCK up every time they do HJSKFDGSDF

generally, whenever i write stream of consciousness fics, i'm always building up and waiting for the moment where the stream suddenly goes off track. there's always gonna be a super fun part where i get to just ramble out a bunch of run-on sentences and hopefully even format them in a fun absolutely-inspired-by-poetry way. and i can't stress enough how fucking SATISFYING it is to get there and have it come out (almost) exactly how you thought it would whee

THOUGHTS THAT GOT LOST BUT GOD HARRY CRACKS ME UP... and i love that part of john's personality... and i love the way it unknowingly grates on dave hjsdfg he definitely has a very clear image of victimhood and the way harry doesn't fit into that mold drives him fucking crazy.

one of my favorite parts of dave's unreliable narration, him projecting onto dirk because of his own guilt. it's the only way he can really bring himself to admit that, in that moment, after everything he's done, he's immediately feeling suicidal and bereft with his guilt on the whole situation.

i mention this in a comment as well but i love to think about ult dirk and dirk's internal corruption of his own character. i think it's a fun chicken or the egg scenario, trying to decide if dirk was still himself when he allowed dave to seduce him into this, if dirk's guilt helped guide him into his eventual instability, or if that instability is what lead to him acting on his incestuous urges. did his actions lead to him being labeled a villain, or did he decide to prove his villainy by lashing out?

and it is VERY fun to have this be something dave had done, knowing that in the future, he will be guided into his own metaphorical and literal suicide, abandoning a life he's more than ready to run away from =u= and the cycle continues nyehehe

final thoughts that may or may not be used in a future fic (i'm the black):

what the hell is wrong with harry in d e e d... stares at john