#also this is gender he’s always gender right now idek why

[sunlightfeeling]

oh my god

the shirt that needs no reminder but…

(rescanned this btw)

The advertisement photos seem to be from May 2021, so both shoots were probably around the same time?

could see him actually owning these, so either he liked it and bought the shirt after doing the first shoot or these were/are both his lol

…or secret third thing: Tarzan and TBC had a hidden agenda..to convince people that Kimura is actually a foxy lady

eta: if you would like a post thread of me trying to fix my “2021” mistake

[drdemonprince]

Your post about "transitioning to escape gender but then there's more gender" has been rotating furiously in my mind since I saw it. When I first realized I was trans at age 15, I identified as agender, but I knew I wanted to go on T and get top surgery so I decided it would be simpler to tell everyone I was a trans man and that just kind of became the truth. Now 10 years later I'm sorta starting to feel like I wanna actually be agender again, but the idea of an identity shift like that at my current age is terrifying and idek who I'd tell, or how I'd do it, and I don't think I wanna stop using he/him exclusively, and I have no idea why I'm telling *you* this other than that I'm scared to talk to anyone I know about it because it feels like somehow admitting that I was wrong about the gender I fought like hell to become, even though i don't really think that's the case I think my sense of self might just be continuously evolving... but I just wanna say you talking about having a gender shift like once every several years is helping me process this rn and feel like I'm not faking anything now AND wasn't faking anything before.

Dog i am right there with you. As a kid I always thought gender was bullshit, the coercive nature of it disgusted and scared me and I rebelled against it the best that I could. I loathed being assigned to any gender category, I never identified as a "girl", but I didn't really identify with any other category either. Puberty terrified me (and of course, it does most young people, but it felt like it would only more deeply entrench the category that I was assigned to in other people's minds, it made it more difficult to escape). I had trans friends as a teen but it did not occur to me to transition because there was really no end goal that I wanted to head toward, I just knew what I wanted to avoid and not experience. I coped mostly by degendering my body with a fairly androgynous style and way of presenting myself to the word and mannerisms, but also by starving myself which was not so great, and not sustainable. I considered transness for myself, even trying on a friend's binder and presenting masculinely at certain queer events, but it seemed to me at the time like just another way in which to obsess over gender, a foolish coercive socially constructed thing that i was trying to avoid.

In my 20s, I learned more about nonbinary people and figured that explained things pretty well. I was enamored with the transition journeys of some other trans people, largely trans women more than trans masculine ones (with some trans-effeminate faggot boy exceptions), but I still didn't want to take on all the expense and uncertainty and hassle of navigating the medical system for myself. I didn't think that the pursuit of being happy merited taking on so many risks or fiddling with myself so much. I saw it as an extravagance I didn't deserve, I guess, and I also couldn't locate a target outcome that seemed desirable enough for me. I was still dealing with an eating disorder and recovering from some trauma and didn't really think about my life in the long term. I guess I still don't, haha, whoops.

Eventually I came out as nonbinary, and nobody really gave a shit. There is a lot of useless, solidarity-breaking discourse that happens online about essentially who is "more" oppressed, binary trans people or nonbinary people, and a lot of that fight amounts to the two groups shouting about the ways in which they annoy one another without there being any cogent analysis of power and where oppression comes from (let alone how much those two categories overlap).

But I will say that being a they/them was far more difficult than being a trans guy socially and institutionally, because your identity is completely illegible to every system around you. "binary" trans people struggle under this too, but i have found there are some immense benefits to having a socially and institutionally legible target gender. nobody would fucking actually they/them me. not anyone. not even other trans people and queer people. there were no public gendered spaces for me. there were no spaces for me. there was no way to move through the medical system, professional life, and other public institutions as a nonbinary person. i was still just a cis woman in everyone's eyes. including the people who claimed to support me. and it was massively frustrating.

and so i think ultimately, i took my frustrations with not being at all able to escape coerced gendering as a nonbinary person and combined that with the affinity i do feel for queer men and the general sense of misery i was still experiencing in my life and decided what the hell, i'll round myself up to being a trans guy. i upped my T dose, i dressed more masculinely, i eventually got a super masculine hair cut that really squared off my jawline and got me gendered correctly, and i started more consciously inhabiting queer men's spaces.

and it was pretty dope. for a while. i felt the rush of having gotten away with something. when people effortlessly gendered as male i felt freed at last from the pressure to be a woman. i was no longer being coerced into being something that i was not. i had escaped the enforced category so much that people couldn't even see the history of that category being pushed onto me. there was relief.

but then. as always happens. people made little comments about my handshake being too weak for a man. the hypermasc dudes at the leather bar rolled their eyes at me and all the other effeminate dudes swanning around the bar. the people who picked me up off the apps or at the sauna would always let it slip, eventually, that they had a lot of experience with trans guys, or had most recently been dating all trans guys, and it would make me feel like a stock character to them, yet another category into which all kinds of assumptions had been projected. a type not a person. a few people said my haircut made me look like i was in the military or described me as actually masculine, which was equally jarring because it was so incorrect. people tried to affirm me by saying i was such a dude, i was such a man, i was such a fag, i was such a gay bro, pawing all over me leaving the mark of all their assumptions and oversimplifications behind. i had tried to run away from gender and there i was just BASTING all the time in everybody's goddamn assumptions about gender. trans people didn't talk about it any less than cis people did, they were just as fucking confining to be around.

it honestly feels really dirty. when people try to affirm your gender constantly and can't stop talking about it, when people look past you and see only your body, your history, or the role they have typecast you in, when people use your body as an outlet for their own gender or sexuality explorations, when they keep trying to measure every single facet of existence up into being masculine or being feminine or being toppy or bottomy or any other gendered type, it's claustrophobic.

as a trans man i tried playing this whole gender game and the second i started winning i began to feel even more disgusted with myself. it wasn't a victory or an escape, it was a capitulation. exploring with my identity and presentation has brought positive things into my life and my health has gotten better as a result, and i've made wonderful friends who, like me, are disaffected by this coercive gendering system. so i don't regret any of that. but trying to make myself legible under the existing gendered system was a fool's fucking errand. i wish i hadnt done it to myself and i wish i hadnt had it pushed onto me. to be clear, it was cissexist, binarist society that forced it onto me; even when other queer people coated me in their gendered assumptions that is obviously a byproduct of societal conditioning, and it's conditioning that ive reinforced in my own behavior and outlook toward others plenty of times too. we all do it, and we are all wronged by the existing coercive gender system.

i dont even care how i fucking identify anymore and i have no intention of changing pronouns again or anything, i'm so bored of it, i just actually want off this fucking thing. im not interested in trying to make others understand what i am anymore or in who i am even being simply categorizable, i dont want to obsess anymore over how i am perceived or to attempt engineer my appearance and mannerisms to broadcast an identity to anyone. i dont even want to fuck anybody right now at all because im so sick of how much that's a gender pantomime for people. i want off this fuckin ride man im so done.

it's kind of freeing, to hit this point of complete gender apathy, and i think it is a pretty common stage of identity development for a lot of queer people who have explored multiple identities and roles over time. there is no category that i actually am, or that anyone is, there are just the frameworks that society has given us to work with to understand ourselves, and the ways in which we flatten who we are to be able to make sense of the world using those frameworks. but who i actually am is so much more contextual and mutable than all that. i am a different person in the classroom than i am on the train platform than i am in the bedroom than i am cuddling on the couch than i am when i'm working out than i am when curled up on the floor crying than i am at a big furry convention. who i am continues to change as new people come in and out of my life and age and change and my body alters and as the weather turns. who fuckin knows man it's nothing and everything. i want to let it just be

[angiiepaniic]

hiii giving you an excuse to talk about your bill because i also like him a lot and know your pain about never being able to talk about him. so heres your divine excuse to ^-^ i wanna hear

AAAA YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE this will be VERY LONG and VERY RAMBLY so like u asked for this (thank u btw ur my first ask)

man idek where to like start :,D

(should note that this is mainly a modern rendition but sometimes i picture us in his world too so it goes either way, really :3)

if you want me to elaborate on anything then just lmk! (that goes for anyone who wants to)

OH OH ok so i’ve been REALLY getting into the band sleep token and there’s like 4 songs that remind me of him and as a result CANNOT stop listening to them (namely rain, give, mine, and telomeres - i highly recommend them!)

bill will listen to just about anything music wise but has a particular soft spot for things like blues, country, and some older rock like billy joel (also really likes soul and r&b like h.e.r. and muni long but will never admit it) — but generally, in his eyes, if it’s a good song it’s a good song, regardless of genre or artist.

he’s even more open with food, like, he will eat anything in front of him even if he doesn’t like it - just how he was raised. he doesn’t have any set favourites besides some southern classics (he will eat 25 servings of mac n cheese in one sitting if u let him)

i on the other hand am VERY iffy with food and find it hard to eat a lot of things, but we know each other so well now that bill will just eat off my plate sometimes (with consent ofc)

he’s not the best cook but is an absolute GRILL MASTER. all gang cookouts are held at his place (and pearson can’t decide if that’s insulting or not)

we spend like 90% of our time just relaxing together, but he does boxing on the weekends to (and i quote) ‘’stay strong for his lady’’

very protective, ABSOLUTELY the jealous type - not in a toxic way, just a bit grumpy sometimes (as always, this is bill we’re talking about)

he’s SO pleasant to be around. we have the same awful humour, the same love languages (we’re both so touch starved that we cling to each other like a curse)

he can be a bit a of a bastard with all the playful teasing but i do the same so it’s an even battleground. i can call him stupid and it’s fine, anyone else does and im THROWING HANDS (and so will he, probably) — and in turn, he’s the only one who can call ME stupid or HE will throw hands while i cry in the corner LMAO

the modern stuff doesn’t have very specific lore, just some cross-dimensional shenanigans. most of it is just based around my actual day-to-day and how i think we’d be living together — but i have a bunch of little aus! got a goth one, got a biker one (one of my personal faves), got a gender bend one because i’ll be damned if bill can’t ALSO be my girlfriend

when i imagine us in the red dead universe i refuse to let him have the bad ending he gets canonically - my funky little brain says that everyone’s healthy and happy in a little ranch or settlement somewhere because that’s what EVERYONE deserves (except micah)

i know most people view him as gay, but i personally headcanon him as pansexual and into everyone regardless of gender because I feel like that fits him quite well

he really is quite loveable, just sometimes he has trouble showing it - but he’s getting better. his ‘i love you’s come out as random hugs, random compliments, and endearing nicknames (as embarrassing as it is i imagine his go-to is calling me bunny :3)

we’re both kinda insecure so sometimes we have a back-and-forth but it’s compliments. i’ve been telling him every day that he’s wonderful and amazing and the best and that his belly’s one of my favourite things and i will DIE on that hill idc how much he complains.

ik that if he was reading the above paragraph he’d look at me and go ‘’BUT YOU COMPLAIN LIKE THAT TOO’’ and yk what he’s right - but that’s why we have each other

our relationship is very healing for the both of us. we both get the love we need and deserve after being deprived of it for so long, and genuinely we’re happier for it. i got out of a lot really bad habits thanks to him, and i’ve been doing my best to help him too <3

[campingwiththecharmings]

Love is a Game (For Fools to Play)

AN: So, hi. This is the first fic I’ve written in six years (OMG), and my first starring the lovely Poe Dameron, so please be gentle. I’m so sorry this is so long, btw, I meant for it to be a drabble and, well, obviously got a little carried away lmao.

Also, while I wrote this with a female reader in mind, I’m pretty sure it reads as gender neutral (please correct me if that’s wrong, I’ve read this so many times at this point I might be blind to it lol).

(Un-beta'd)

The Resistance has finally found a safe place to lay low and is celebrating their much-needed downtime with silly party games (and alcohol, obviously).

Rated: T Words: 4,600+ (idek y'all) Pairing: Poe Dameron x Reader Warnings: alcohol use, mild cursing, kissing, mutual pining, friends to lovers. AO3

—

You throw back a shot of Jet Juice and grimace as it burns down your throat.

“Shit, this stuff is terrible. Don’t we have anything palatable?”

Poe sits beside you on the floor of the common room, his own shot of Jet Juice between his fingers. “We’re on a secret base in the middle of nowhere. What were you expecting? A Takodana Quencher?”

You laugh, grabbing another shot. “No, but I’d kill for a Starfire 'skee right about now. Maker, I’d even settle for a Tsiraki, at least it tastes good.”

“Eh, I’m more of a Starshine Surprise kind of guy,” he jokes, taking another shot.

You hum in agreement, only kind of processing what he’s saying as you too take another drink. You feel pleasantly buzzed and you find yourself wishing you felt this good all of the time. “That stuff’ll kill you, you know.”

His entire left side is already pretty much flush with your right, so when he chuckles and tries to bump your shoulder with his, he almost falls over into your lap. 

“Maker, Dameron, why are you always throwing yourself at me?” You snort, slapping a hand over your face when it’s louder than you anticipated; apparently you’re more sloshed than you’d originally thought.

He rights himself and tries bumping your shoulder again, but only succeeds in pressing himself further into your side. “You’re irresistible, I just can’t help it.”

You huff a laugh and turn to answer him, realizing too late how close his face is to yours. His nose bumps your cheek and his breath fans against your lips as you lock eyes with him. His face is flushed and his eyes are a little hazy and your breath catches in your throat when his gaze dips briefly to your mouth. 

You should lean back, give the both of you some space, but you can’t. He’s warm and solid and he just smells so damn good. He licks his lips absently, eyes roaming over your face. 

“You know,” he whispers, raising a playful eyebrow, “if you want to kiss me, baby, all you have to do is ask.”

A strangled laugh escapes you as the tension breaks and he smiles and leans away, searching for another drink. He wrinkles his nose when he can’t find one and looks over at you. “We need more shots.”

Just then, someone across the room yells something about playing a game and mostly everyone cheers. Poe looks at you, raising his brows in askance. You shrug and begin the process of standing to your feet (which you don’t remember being so difficult…). Poe is up before you and helps you up the rest of the way, his hand grasping your upper arm.

“You good?” he asks, watching you wobble a little as he lets you go.

You nod and pat his shoulder. “Thanks for the assist, Black Leader.”

He snorts and shakes his head. “Come on, let’s go see what the game is.”

When you make it to the crowd of people playing…whatever it is they’re playing, a game is already apparently in full swing. You can’t really see what’s happening, but everyone’s cheering and laughing. You try to ask the person closest to you what’s going on, but it’s so loud, they don’t hear you. You look at Poe, Poe looks at you and you both shrug and turn back to the crowd to wait for an opening. 

After a moment, there is one and you grab Poe by the arm and push your way through, dragging him behind you. When you emerge, you finally see what everyone’s so worked up about.

Spin-the-Bottle. They’re playing Spin-the-kriffing-Bottle.

You sigh in disappointment. You’ve never been into this game, even when you’re plastered. The thought of kissing some random person that you don’t even get to pick sounds like the furthest thing from fun to you. But Poe is laughing and cheering beside you (and has somehow found another drink) and you know you won’t be able to get him to leave, at least not right now, so you resign yourself and try to enjoy the antics of your comrades.

It becomes clear pretty quickly that they’re not playing a normal game of Spin-the-Bottle. According to the girl beside you (apparently named Mor), it’s some weird mash-up with another game she can’t recall the name of, but the gist is that a person spins the bottle and goes into a closet with whomever it lands on. 

“What do you do once you’re in the closet?” you ask, sure that this must only be fun if you’re totally trashed.

Mor smirks and raises an eyebrow. “Whatever you want, but you only get seven minutes.”

The thought of having to do “whatever” with a stranger for even one minute makes your stomach turn and you decide that you are not nearly drunk enough for this and reach over and grab the shot in Poe’s hand.

“I was gonna drink that, you know,” he says deadpans, glaring half-heartedly at you.

You shrug and hand him the empty shot glass. “I need it more than you.”

He shrugs and grabs your hand in his. “Come on, we’re in next.”

You sputter as he pulls you along behind him, trying desperately to pull your hand from his grasp. 

“What?! No. No, no, no, no, noooo. I do not want to go in next, I don’t want to go in at all.”

He brushes off your protests, tightening his hold on you. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

As soon as he makes it to the circle of people, there’s a spot open and he maneuvers you into it. You momentarily panic, thinking he’s leaving you alone, but then you see him fill an open spot almost directly across from you and relax a little. He smiles at you briefly and raises an eyebrow and you can practically hear him ordering you to ‘have fun.’ 

The person to your left nudges you with their elbow, drawing your attention to a tray of shots. You sigh in relief and thank them profusely before grabbing the tray and quickly downing a shot. You take another for later and pass the tray along to the next person.

You turn your attention back on the crowd just as someone’s taking their turn. You tense slightly as the bottle spins and you pray to the Maker that it doesn’t land on you. Thankfully, you are spared and it lands on someone sitting closer to Poe. The two rise from the circle and meet in front of a supply closet looking both nervous and excited. Someone opens the door for them and they cross the threshold and wave to their friends watching in the crowd. When the door closes, everyone cheers.

“You gonna drink that?” 

You turn to look at the man on your right, who’s pointing at the full shot glass between your fingers. He’s tall and kind of lanky with sandy blonde hair and green eyes. He’s cute enough, you suppose. If you have to kiss a stranger, you wouldn’t mind it being him (though, if you’re honest with yourself, you’d much rather it be a certain pilot…).

“I am, yes. Eventually.” You tell him, smiling serenely at him. “I was gonna hold onto it until it was my turn, but I’m not sure I can wait that long.”

He laughs and gestures somewhere off to his right. “You know you can just get another one, right?”

You look in the direction he’s pointing and see an Abednedo as he fills a tray with shots and sends it out into the crowd.

“Very good to know. Thanks.”

He nods, accepting your thanks, before holding out his hand to you. “I’m Merrick.”

You shake his hand with a smile and tell him your name. You talk briefly and discover that he joined the Resistance only a few months ago and that he’s training to be a medic. You’re about to get into your own story when the door to the closet opens and the cheering resumes, drowning everything else out. You look at each other and laugh before adding your voice to the cheers. 

By the time the next person takes their turn, you’re tipsy, but the room isn’t spinning yet and you don’t feel nervous anymore so you call it a win. The bottle stops on the guy beside you (Merrick, right?) and you cheer obnoxiously, clapping along with everyone else (mostly just happy it hadn't landed on you). He and the spinner head to the closet for their allotted seven minutes and the music and chatter resume. 

The tray of shots makes it way back to you and you grab one. You catch sight of Poe on the other side of the circle as you pass the tray along. He’s laughing and talking with the person on his left and you ignore the pang of jealousy that you feel. You stare at him for a little longer, trying not to let this ruin your buzz. He catches your gaze after a moment and smiles, but there’s something in his eyes you can’t quite place. Instead of trying to figure it out, you return his smile and raise your drink to him before gulping it down.

The fun continues for what feels like hours, days even, and you’ve had so much alcohol by the time it’s your turn to spin that you can barely see straight (which makes spinning the bottle ten times harder than it should be). You blow your first spin, giggling when you send the bottle flying off into the crowd, much to everyone’s amusement (they’re all just as trashed as you, after all). On your second try, you get it to spin but it barely makes a full rotation and someone in the crowd calls for a respin. On your third try, you manage to make it spin fast enough, and it feels like ages before it finally stops. When it does, you look up to see who it’s landed on and your breath catches.

Familiar brown eyes meet yours on the other side of the circle and you swallow thickly.

Kriffing hell.

Your walk to the closet is a little awkward. Pretty much everyone knows who Poe is, and about half of them also know that the two of you are basically attached at the hip, so this turn of events is probably entertaining the hell out of them. 

Everyone cheers when the door opens and suddenly you’re wondering how you managed to find any of this entertaining a few minutes ago…

You enter the closet, Poe trailing behind you. It’s more spacious than you’d anticipated, which you suppose is a good thing. The door shuts with a click and you’re struck by how quiet it suddenly is. It’s dark but you manage to figure out where Poe is with minimal effort. He hasn’t said anything since the bottle landed on him and you wonder if he’s trying not to be sick over the thought of having to kiss you. You don’t really know what to say either so you just let the silence permeate and try not to have a panic attack.

If this had been years ago, before you’d really known him, before the two of you had become almost inseparable, this would probably be one of the greatest moments of your life. But now, faced with the prospect of kissing your best friend when he clearly doesn't want to…you’re worried that your relationship will never recover and you’ll lose one of the most important people in your life.

It feels like it’s been hours, but you know it can’t have been because the door’s still closed, the silence around you almost deafening. You take a deep breath and look where you know he’s standing.

“Guess we should get this over with, huh?” you say awkwardly, thankful that he can’t see you cringe at yourself.

His laugh sounds forced and you can actually hear him run his hand nervously through his hair. “Look, we don't have to do this if you don’t want to. It’s just a dumb game.”

His voice is soft and a little gravely (probably from all the yelling) and you know he means it, but your pride won't let you back down from this.

“No, it’s fine. We’re friends, right? Friends kiss each other all the time.”

He actually laughs at this, and you imagine him shaking his head at you. “Do they?”

You shrug in response before remembering that he can’t see you. “Sure, probably. Somewhere.”

He laughs again and you smile to yourself, suddenly feeling a little braver. “Besides, I'm honestly a little bit curious. I've heard you’re pretty skilled in this area.” 

It comes out sounding like a joke, but you’re only half kidding. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ve always wondered if the rumors of his prowess were true.

He says nothing but you hear him shift on his feet, as if he’s uncomfortable. You feel a pang of fear and rush to add, “I’m kidding. Obviously.”

He hums in response but says nothing else and it takes all your willpower not to find him, grab him, and shake him until he says something. Anything.

“Okay,” you try, taking a step in his direction, “how about we just count to three and, ya know…do it.”

“‘Do it?’” he repeats, voice laced with amusement.

You sigh and roll your eyes, even though you know he can’t see you. “Yeah…kiss, or whatever.”

He laughs at you again and suddenly you’re annoyed that he’s clearly very much enjoying your discomfort.

“Could you please elaborate as to what actions fall under ‘whatever?’”

You grunt at him and reach out in the darkness. Your hand comes into contact with what you think is his chest and you push him in retaliation. 

“Alright, fine,” he placates, still laughing as he shuffles a little closer to you. “You’re right, let’s just do this and get back to the party.”

“Sounds good,” you reply with a nod to yourself.

“Right. So. Who goes first? Do you kiss me first, or do I kiss you first?”

You huff a laugh and nervously wet your lips. “I don’t think it really matters, Poe.”

“Sure it does. We can’t both move to kiss each other at the same time, we’ll bust a lip.”

Huh. He does kind of have a point. Too bad you can’t flip a coin.

"Alright. On the count of three, we both say a number between one and ten, the highest number initiates the kiss.”

It’s silent for a moment as he considers. “Yeah, that’ll work.”

“Great. Ready? One, two, three.”

You say five. Poe says seven.

Right then, so, Poe’s going to kiss you.

…Poe is going to kiss you.

Shit.

“Alright then. You ready?” He asks, clearing his throat.

“Sure. Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

He sniffs a quiet laugh through his nose in response before stepping closer to you. You feel his hand land softly on your shoulder and you furrow your brow in confusion.

“Uh, what are you doing?”

He remains silent as he gingerly feels his way up the side of your neck to cradle your face and your breath catches in your chest.

“Not much light in here. Need a little assistance if I’m gonna have to land blind.”

“My face isn’t a landing strip, Poe."

He snorts, his thumb absently caressing the apple of your cheek. “Noted.”

He’s close now, so close and you’re reminded of earlier that night when he joked about you wanting to kiss him and it’s then that you realize that you do. So much. Suddenly, there’s nothing else in the entire galaxy that you want more right now than for Poe Dameron, your best friend, to kiss you…

And kiss you he does.

His lips are warm, and when they touch yours, your first thought is of how unbelievably soft they are. They slide against yours slowly, almost hesitantly, and your chest aches a little at the sweetness of it. The scent of him is overwhelming, intoxicating, and you wonder, not for the first time, if it’s something he puts on or if it’s just him. After a moment, you remember to move your lips against his, causing him to pause briefly, and you wonder if he expected you to just stand there and let him do all the work.

All thoughts disappear from your head when he continues the kiss, gently angling your head and releasing a breath through his nose as he presses his mouth harder against yours. Your breath stutters in your chest as he pulls your body closer with his free hand, his boots bumping against yours as he slots his foot between them. Heat blossoms in your chest when his tongue lightly traces the seam of your lips and you part them without hesitation. His tongue dips into your mouth to brush against yours and you sigh softly at the sensation. He tastes divine; an intoxicating combination of spice, caf, and alcohol. Your hands, which had been clenched into fists at your sides, move instead to clutch at the fabric of his shirt so you can pull him closer, and you swear you hear him groan when his chest bumps against yours.

You're so lost in the feel of him, in the taste of him, you forget where you are and why you’re even doing this in the first place and, before your lust-fogged brain has a chance to clear, there is a click and door to the closet opens. You both pull away from each other automatically, squinting at the light spilling in from the common room and flinching as the cheers from the crowd fill your ears. As your eyes adjust, you glance at Poe, expecting him to look as wrecked as you feel…except, he doesn’t. Instead, he looks like he always does: cool, collected, and mildly irritated. A little embarrassed, you immediately school your expression to something similar, something unaffected, before he notices. 

You both nod awkwardly to the crowd as you exit the closet to return to the party. You start to walk in the direction of the make-shift bar, but stop suddenly when the room spins a little. You grunt and close your eyes at the feeling, Poe steadying you with a hand on your back. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” you assure, ignoring the pleasant heat of his hand through your shirt. “Just a little dizzy. Think I drank too much.”

He’s nodding when you open your eyes again, a teasing smile on his lips. “You definitely did.”

You huff a laugh and bump him with your shoulder. “You’re one to talk.”

“You’re right, we’ve both outdone ourselves tonight,” he agrees with a chuckle. “Let’s get some water and maybe a few snacks. Pretty sure I saw some over here earlier.”

You shake your head when he tries to walk and pull you with him. “Actually, I think I’m just gonna call it a night.”

He looks a little disappointed but you can tell he understands. “Alright, yeah. Let’s go, I’ll walk you back.”

“No, it's okay, I can make it,” you say, trying to sound more sure than you actually feel.

He studies you for a moment before nodding reluctantly. “You sure? I mean, you were all wobbly a couple seconds ago, remember?”

“I’ll be fine,” you assure with a chuckle, “Really. Go, have fun.”

“Not sure how much more fun I can take at this point but, since you’re the one asking, I’ll give it a try.”

You smile and move to walk away. “Night, Poe.”

“Night. Make sure you drink lots of water, and eat something. It’ll help with the dizziness.”

You salute him mockingly and turn away with a laugh. “Yes, sir, Commander.”

As you walk slowly back to your room, all you can think about is your kiss with Poe. About how you wish you could do it again, do it everyday for the rest of your life. A pang of longing slices through your chest and you groan in annoyance, mentally kicking yourself for letting this happen.

Sleep, you tell yourself. Sleep will fix this. It fixes everything.

You manage to make it to your room unscathed and toe off your boots before falling into your bed with a groan, falling asleep the minute your head hits the pillow.

—

You wake a few hours later with a throbbing head and a mouth as dry as the sands of Jakku. 

Maker, you’re swearing off alcohol after this. 

Or, Jet Juice, at least…

It’s then that you remember Poe’s “orders” to drink water and eat something and you instantly regret not listening to him (not that you’d ever admit that to him). You roll gingerly off of your bed and walk to the sink in the corner. After many, many cups of water, you start to feel slightly more human again. You search for food but can’t find any, and you’re seriously considering running down to the mess hall for some snacks, when you hear a knock at your door.

You pause, confused as to who it could be this early in the morning. Your bunkmate stayed with their partner last night so it likely isn’t for them, and you aren’t expecting anyone…

After a moment of deliberation, you open the door to find Poe. It’s only been a few hours since you saw him, but you can’t help but notice how exhausted he looks.

“Maker, you look as bad as I feel.”

Poe runs a hand through his hair and looks at you with tired eyes. “Couldn’t sleep. Figured I’d check in on you.”

You ignore the warmth that spreads through your chest at his concern and usher him inside without another word, closing the door behind him with a click.

“Shit, I didn’t wake you, did I?” he adds with trepidation, turning abruptly to face you.

It’s early morning, and there isn’t much light filtering in through the small window on the other side of the room just yet, but the lamp on your desk is on and you can more or less make him out despite the dimness. 

“No, I was up. Looking for snacks when you knocked, actually.”

He nods absently, chewing on his lip as he silently studies your face. He’s close, so close, and you find yourself trying desperately to push the memory of kissing him just a few hours ago from your thoughts.

“Everything okay?” you ask evenly, resisting the urge to look at his mouth.

He hesitates, throat bobbing as he considers his response. “I’m just…so tired.”

Your brow furrows as he squeezes his eyes shut and looks away from you with a sigh. You can tell he doesn’t just mean the war, that there’s something else there that he isn’t sharing with you. Your mind immediately returns to the kiss and a sharp panic stabs through you. He knows. He knows and he’s struggling with that knowledge–the knowledge that you’re head-over-heels in love with him, that you’ve probably been in love with him since the day you met him.

His eyes meet yours again as you silently panic and his brow furrows. “What is it?”

He’s still close, standing in the doorway between you and the rest of your room. You shake your head as you look away and move to walk past him, but he catches your arms to keep you where you are.

“Uh, uh, don’t run away. Talk to me.”

You swallow, your throat suddenly a desert despite the copious amount of liquid you’ve consumed. You meet his eyes again and inhale slowly, chewing on your bottom lip.

You close your eyes and sigh in resignation. “It’s stupid,” you whisper.

“So what, you say stupid shit all the time.”

You let out a choked laugh and fight back the tears threatening to pool in your eyes. Poe. Solid, wonderful, always-there-for-you Poe. You can’t lose this, lose him. You’d crash and burn and there’d be no one to bring you back.

“Just tell me,” he whispers softly, moving one of his hands to cup your face.

You open your eyes to meet his gaze again, knowing he can probably read everything you don’t want him to know on your face.

“What are you so afraid of?” he asks, his eyes pleading but also…hopeful?

“What, like, in general?” you joke in an attempt to deflect. 

He frowns and shoots you a disapproving look. “You know what I mean.”

You swallow thickly and release a breath before responding. “I’m afraid that what happened will ruin our friendship.”

He nods sadly, as if he expected this answer. "Listen to me, okay? Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever change the way I feel about you."

His hand is still on your face, and he's looking at you in a way you've never seen him look at you before and a little flicker of hope starts to burn in your chest.

You nod, giving him a tight smile. 

He smiles back, moving to release you and step away, to give you the space you’d been seeking just a moment ago, but you realize suddenly that you don’t want it. You clasp your hand around his wrist to keep it in place, his eyes widening a little in surprise as he searches your face. He must find what he needs there, because his expression morphs quickly from surprised to determined and then he's pressing his lips to yours. 

You hesitate for a moment out of surprise, before smiling against his mouth as you kiss him back. He sighs in relief and kisses you harder, as if he's been wanting this, longing for this, just like you have. He cradles your face in his hand and angles your head slightly so he can deepen the kiss. Heat blossoms in your chest as your lips continue to slide against his and your body suddenly feels so hot you think you might combust. When his tongue teases the seam of your lips, it’s your turn to sigh. You part them and allow him entrance, moaning softly at the taste of him. Slowly, you slide your hands up his chest and plunge your fingers into his soft, thick hair. The rings on your fingers catch on his curls as you bury them deeper and he groans softly at each tug. 

You'll have to remember that for later.

He pulls back from you suddenly, pressing his forehead to yours, the hand on your face sliding down to rest at the base of your neck as he lets both of you catch your breath. You observe him from beneath your lashes while you wait, chewing your bottom lip as you survey the damage you’ve done to him; he’s flushed, his lips are red and puffy, his hair is a mess, and his eyes…kriffing hell, his eyes–Heavy-lidded, pupils blown wide with lust. This. This is what you had hoped to see before, see him just as wrecked as you.

“You know,” you whisper teasingly, toying with a lock of his hair, “if you wanted to kiss me, baby, all you had to do was ask.”

He laughs and it takes everything in you not to grab him by his collar and immediately pull his mouth back to yours (though, you doubt he’d complain if you did). You know you have to talk about this, talk about what this means, what this is, but all you really want to do right now is keep kissing him.

So you do.

That's all folks, thanks for reading!

🌟 Masterlist 🌟

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closet scene (Poe’s POV)

[nayarablueglasses]

requested for: no

a/n: idk i wrote this for my HLATS so it’s weird. hope you enjoy! @thedevilsdaywear​ and you said i wasn’t organized smh also serious apologies for not actually making my promised content in ages. feel free to send in asks! i can almost promise you that as long as it fits my requirements, i’ll be sure to write it! i never have asks, so it means a lot when i get one.

(divider credits to @firefly-graphics​)

summary: you, iwaizumi, and oikawa are in the student council and join in on a meeting.

warning/genre: man idek, there’s mentions of oikawa not being interested in girls, you’re in a poly relationship w/ iwaizumi+oikawa, iwaizumi calls oikawa “prettyboy,” I JUST REALIZED I MADE TAKEDA THE SCHOOL COMMITTEE CLUB COUNCILLOR SO UH I GUESS I ACCIDENTALLY MADE HIM HAVE CONFIDENCE AND A SECOND JOB, THAT’S IT???

reader pronouns: not mentioned/gender neutral

“Making the schoolyard more interesting? Prettykawa, what are you talking about?” Hajime shook his head at Tooru, who had just joined me and Hajime in waiting for the school council’s club councilor- Takeda Ittetsu- to come unlock the clubroom doors.

“No, come to think of it, didn’t Takeda-sensei mention something about having a new project to ‘improve the school’ last meeting, didn’t he?” I rubbed my head, trying to recall the exact words he’d used. “I think he said…”

Takeda’s voice came from behind us “‘We might try a new beneficial school activity tomorrow!’” Turning, we could see Takeda standing with his hands on his hips, smile on his face. “Hope you weren’t waiting long!” Walking past us after greeting us cheerfully to unlock the door. By now, the rest of the school council had amassed around us, and we filed into the council room after the rest had passed.

Tooru held a cocky look on his face- until Hajime smacked him on the back of his head. “Just because you were right about that doesn’t mean you should suddenly have a look like that on your face!”

“Mean Iwa-chan!” Tooru whined. Still, he sat down to my left, musing up my hair and threw a playful glare at Hajime, who sat to his left. Irritatedly, I sent him a harsh look and tried to return my hair to it’s (admittedly already messy) original state, muttering profanities under my breath. My attention returned to Takeda, however, when he stood up from his seat and clapped his hands.

“I have a proposal for you all!” He announced to the room.

Tooru scoffed, leaning down to my ear to whisper, “If he was planning on getting back up this whole time, why’d he sit down? Besides, he’s the club councillor, if he says something then it goes. Doesn’t he know that?”

I whispered back, “Shut up! You know he’s new at this. And anyways, you should appreciate your elders and teachers who also respect your opinions.” Hajime caught my eyes, ears practically picking up when he realized we were gossiping.

In classic Hajime style, he hit us both on the back of our heads. “Pay attention!” Ow. I’d be sure to get Tooru and Hajime back for that later.

Attention once directed back to Takeda, we realized the room was staring at us. Tooru sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, already making the girls in the class start swooning. I rolled my eyes. Sure, he put on a prettyboy popular persona, but when was his fanclub going to realize he wasn’t into girls like that?

“Well, what do you two think?” Takeda asked me and Tooru, confident in thinking we hadn’t heard him. Hajime snickered beside me.

“Uh... cleaning up the schoolyard sounds fun, but what if we... added stuff? To make it more interesting?” I tried answering with what Tooru had mentioned earlier- to which Tooru looked at me offended.

Takeda smiled. “Excellent idea! Why don’t we brainstorm what we could do to make the schoolyards more interesting?”

Immediately, the entire clubroom was echoing with noise, everybody shouting out ideas. Tooru flinched at the noise, but otherwise maintained his cool. He did, though, shoot me a look that very clearly said “I”m going to kill you for dragging me into this club.” I just responded with a nonchalant shoulder shrug and pointed at Hajime, to say, “Don’t blame me! Blame your boyfriend.” which would be hilarious when I explained what I meant to Tooru later, because the three of us were dating.

Pretty quickly, Takeda had calmed down the council members and brought out the “talking stick,” for us all to make suggestions with. Luckily, he gave it to Hajime first. Hajime was always the one with the good ideas. “What about a fountain?” Except that one.

“You dumbass! How would we get the money for a fountain!” Tooru teased.

Hajime threw the stick at his head. “If your ideas are any better, then YOU have the talking stick!” Which was, of course, what Tooru had wanted all along. Hajime and his hot head...

Tooru weaved the stick in and out of his fingers, pretending to muse over his options. Then, he said, “I’ve got it! How about a snack stand! And we’ll sell milkbread! Hmm, what do you think about that?” He rested the stick against his lips, smiling. The others in the club looked uncertain.

I snatched the stick out of his hands. “And you called Hajime-kun a dumbass? Where are we going to get the money for milkbread, idiot? It’ll go bad before we even sell it! Don’t we already sell milkbread in the snack machine?”

He stuck his tongue out at me. “Alright, well, what’s your bright idea consist of, huh?”

“Secrets! Secrets! You don’t get to know my idea!” I cried, making Hajime laugh.

“He’s got you there, Prettykawa. You don’t get to know his idea if he doesn’t tell you.” Laughing as he pat Tooru’s back. Tooru looked put out, but we’d been going on and hogging the talking stick for so long that the bell rang almost immediately after that.

We jumped out of our seats, Tooru dragging me and Hajime along. “Come on, let’s go get milkbread from the vending machine!”

“Dumbass! Slow down!”

[vampish-glamour]

I've come across an absolute NIGHTMARE of a Twitter account. I'll try to list this in a way that makes sense.

>he/she/xe/it/pri/vamp/mew/ghost/nya/blood/lov/moon

>genderfluid

>nonbinary

>transmasc

>aroace

>polyam

>lesbian

So we've got ourselves a transman (?) who is also nonbinary and simultaneously genderfluid and also a lesbian despite being aroace which would logically exclude ALL attraction but there's also polyam which I'm guessing stands for polyamorous which makes the aro part of aroace even more redundant??? Like??? Tf???

And the only reason I found this account was because of a tweet that went like this

"i'm a girlboy and boygirl simultaneously. i can be your girlfriend and your boyfriend. your and wife and hubsand. your malewife and girllboss and everything you ever yearn for."

15k likes. 15K LIKES. SOMEONE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY.

WHAT THE ABSOLUTE HELL

There’s so much going on here that idek where to start?

So we’ve got the pronouns. That’s a whole ass mess.

Then we’ve got switching genders, but no gender, but also “transmasc” (which could very well mean “I’m a girl who likes boy clothes” because it usually doesn’t mean trans man). No attraction, but also wants multiple partners (btw why do people put that in their bio? It’s not important. And it’s especially annoying when they pretend it makes them lgbt. Stfu). And is also a lesbian, because as we know, lesbian is just a fun label to claim because who cares about letting homosexual women have something to themselves lol.

And then the tweet. How about people just shut up and stop making these stupid ass tweets 😂 they always come off as pretentious and holier than thou… like “oh I’m so great that I could be ALL these things, you peasants could never understand my complexity”. Y’know??

Nightmare is right. I’d like to wake up now, please.

[okidenshi]

Being a lesbian and also autistic, I’ve always had like. an interesting relationship with my gender- like when i was a kid i was really comforted when i heard about the term tomboy, and i described myself as such for a long time.

And like, i definitely also went thru that mindset that most women do where you just, despise everything associated with traditional femininity because obviously liking the color pink and wearing ugg boots meant you were “giving into the patriarchy” or whatever nonsense have you.

Tho my last two years of highschool, i realized that’s bullshit and i should live to do Girly Things if that’s what made me happy, and be unapologetic about it. And i was, i wore make up a lot and wore pinks and went to Starbucks and went to prom- and i loved it, i truly felt comfortable during that time. Now i had times were i would dress in flannel and jeans and shit cause i also knew i liked to look futchy too, but yea for the most part i was very feminine, and i was happy to express myself that way.

But... that being said, as I’ve lived outside of high school, i do wonder sometimes how much of that joy i felt about dressing that way came from the confirmation from others that i was doing a great job of fitting in with how girls are expected to dress an act. As an autistic person, trying to fit in socially is a struggle, and when we do it right, we are often praised by others and our own minds for doing so.

While that can be harmful for autistic ppl in general, being queer on top of that might also give the person (in this case.... me lol) a warped sense of gender identify and expression. On the side of my autism, there’s a desire to chameleon myself into society, and there is joy in successfully doing so, but that joy is, overall, short lived. As much as i like to Look Good, my first need as an autistic person is to feel comfortable in what i’m wearing. Even if i feel good wearing feminine clothes, the dread i eventually develop over having to wear clothes that are Nice Looking over a sweat shirt and loose jeans... it builds up, and eventually i think you can experience burn out from it.

But that’s the sensory stuff; i still acknowledge that, most of the time, i do have a desire to express femme-like. I like long hair, i like putting on short shorts and having round thighs and sleek shoulders an a softer face and wearing flowing dresses

And to be fair, I still adore the futch and butch Looks as well, and i often find myself yearning to chop my hair shorter and wear loose jeans and denim jackets and fingerless gloves. Like, the amount of times I think of Ellie from TLOU and just go “wow, i just wanna look like that” is quit often lol.  

But still, you can be a woman and dress masculine and feminine, i know that.

So....... why do i also find myself seeing men or male characters and thinking “god, if only i looked like that”? What about Frodo’s sharp jawline yet gentle voice and soft eyes made me think “thats me”, was there something about Danny Phantom’s clone being a girl and him being a man that made me so entranced as a kid when i saw it, why is it when i look at Cloud Strife in a dress do i ponder “is this what people mean when they say they experience gender euphoria?”

The idea of being a “man” or presenting masculine while not identifying as a woman or a man has been a off and on question since i was about 14, maybe even younger but 14 was when i had better terminology to think about it.

I don’t.... think i want to be a man, no, i don’t really like how that sounds or feels. I’m... ok with being a woman, but there are times were i dont really want to be a /woman/. I just want to be a body, a blank canvas to express a look or idea in that moment, and when i’m done with it, i have a “home base” gender to return to, something i’ve known and that i find familiar and safe. 

But yea... it’s confusing, and sometimes i feel dumb for thinking or talking about it, but it was been on my mind a bit the last.... while i guess??

Idek what terms to use. like.... technically i’m nonbinary, like by what i just described, you’d think that’s how i’d identify, but for some reason using that term doesn’t feel right for me. But i’m not a Woman either, i’m like?? a Queer Woman, yknow?

Sometimes i wonder if my sexuality is also just what i want my gender to be which i KNOW sounds ridiculous because they are two separate things but its just a thought i had. Like... women, yes, but. Queer about it.

Pronouns are also Wild, like i use she/her and honestly, even tho im like... and off-brand queer “woman”, i really do prefer she/her. They/them and he/him and other pronouns i’ve seen dont Feel Right, so um............. she/her will probably always bee the pronouns i use tbh. Maybe its my autism brains just liking familiarity, but they feel most comfortable to me even if im Not Exactly A Woman. 

Anyway...... this probably made no sense, but it was just on my mind i guess. TLDR; my gender’s just my name at this point and sometimes i think i wanna be a Boi but ehh?? eehmhmmmklsjdfl yknow?

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on The Royal Heir, Book 1 Chapter 1

• We're back! Hopefully with a better series this time, but I'm not going to keep my hopes too high.

• If my QTs are clogging up your dash, I recommend you block these particular tags: #trh quick thoughts, #trh qts, and optionally #long post.

• Much like my Book 3 QTs, I will be exploring as many playthroughs as I possibly can to see how each LI's route is being written. Last book, this experiment definitely helped me figure out that they were putting more effort into some characters and less into others, and I'd still like to keep an eye out for these things as much as possible.

• I feel this QT might be shorter than my usual (edit: joke's on me - it's not!! 🙈), mostly because the opening chapter itself is...pretty light, and is mostly meant for us to spend time and have fun with our chosen LI. Plus a tiny smidgen of buildup to the premise, which is having a child in Cordonia. But I do have a theory about the overall theme that I'm going to be expanding on towards the end of the chapter.

• Okay that's it for preliminary explanations, it's time for me to start with the chapter! XD

• Ooh. Oooooooh. This loading page now has tidbits about Cordonian society!! Interesting.

• Title: Happily Ever Afterwards

Alternative Title: Be Grateful We're Letting You Have This Much Sex For Free This Week, Because That's The Last Time It's Happening.

• I'm extremely offended they're making me wear that Pepto Bismol outfit again.

•

...thanks so much for reminding me you still don't care about Hana, PB! 🙄 Everyone else remains to be some version of "loyal", but Hana is still considered more for her skills than for her own steadfastness, even though she was the most hardcore-loyal of the four (SHE LEFT HER FREAKING HOME. HER FREAKING FAMILY. FOR YOU. While the other three were certainly loyal and honorable to the MC, they definitely didn't have to completely cut ties with their families to do right by the MC).

• The "fairytale" aesthetics of the frame story were what drew people into TRR in the first place, so it's not too surprising that the LIs and MC give a nod to the flagship series with a "once upon a time". If you're with Liam, it goes straight from "falling in love with the Prince" to what his relationship with her taught him, before the happily ever after. If you're with one of the other three LIs, it specifies that she came there for Liam but fell for someone else. Sounds a lot like Maxwell's book 😄 In Maxwell's playthrough, in fact, there is a reference to it when the MC calls him a "famous author".

•

(Screenshots organized as follows: 1 - Liam, 2 - Drake, 3 - Maxwell, 4 - Hana. Liam's and Hana's are my own. Drake's from @thefirstcourtesan, and Maxwell's from Kaitlyn Walker's YouTube channel).

The other interesting thing to note is that in Liam's playthrough, he leads the narration. While in everyone else's the MC is the one who steers it. One reason I can think of is that the narrative still treats this story as Liam's story as much as it is the MC's (if I'm right about the theme) - which...has honestly always been a sore point with the fanbase in TRR. That would depend on how us and our baby are now further involved with Cordonia in the story. Another factor for why she leads the narration...could be that essentially, the MC took initiative in the other three relationships, while in Liam's case it was he who took a more active role by proposing to her.

• The little story ends with this question from the MC:

Question: But what happens after Happily Ever After?

Answer: Mess. In Cordonia it's always mess.

• Cordonians (specifically the upper classes, since I don't know enough about the common populace to tell, since they're, yknow, practically invisible) are addicted to tea, apples and fucking shit up where they don't even need to.

• ANYWAY. What (literally) happens after 'happily ever after' is a tropical honeymoon on Liam's private island. In the case of the other three, he allows them access to the place and gives the staff instructions on making the stay comfortable for them.

• Now, since Liam owns the island and has probably visited it a could times, he shows more familiarity with it. He tells his wife that on previous trips the island had more rustic accommodations, but the villa they're now staying in was prepared recently. Additionally, the butler welcomes Hana, Maxwell and Drake as newcomers to the island, considering it's their first time. With Liam, there is an air of familiarity - he calls the butler by his name (Javier) and enquires about him and his wife (Mariana) - to show us perhaps how familiar he is with this holiday spot.

• Why the hell does everyone call Liam "Your Highness"? It's been two whole books since he became King, and the proper title for a monarch is "Your Majesty". How is it that Constantine gets to rake the MC over the coals for calling him Your Highness, yet Liam has to hear this from practically everyone. From Javier to freakin' Protocol-Monitor-Madeleine! The disrespect, I tell you!

• Okay so we're having a candlelit dinner by the ocean, and we get our first OOTD. Cute beach dress, has bright flowers and some crochet work on the bodice. I bought it because I couldn't bear to have Esther stay another minute in that Pepto Bismol of a dress.

• LOL @ all the LI responses to "this spot is right where the sharks are!"

• Tuna sashimi and pineapple aioli, huh? I have never had either so idek what that's supposed to taste like (someone on this writing team likes pineapples). I remember having to cut down on tuna during pregnancy, which meant no more Subway sandwiches since the tuna sub was the only one I liked at the time. IIRC most of my family were also cautioning me against pineapples and papaya during my first trimester!

• My gosh this butler doesn't waste much time jumping into assumptions huh?

• Also Javier, why is Cordonia's future so dependent on the well-being of my foetus even if I'm not ruling the country?

• Does Cordonia have sex ed? My money is on no. (esp in the Hana route).

• So there are two parts to the way the premise of wanting to have kids is built up in this sequence. In the first part, the LI impresses upon the MC the need to have children soon after the wedding. The second part addresses the urgency - the "why right now?" factor, and explores the LI's personal emotions towards having children. This bit also feels a bit like a follow-up to the Valtoria balcony scene in Chapter 15.

• The first part is pretty similar for Drake, Hana and Maxwell - all three of whom are now married to a Duchess and are aware that securing the duchy is important. They word it in their own distinctive styles, but the gist is pretty much the same. In Liam's case, since he is the king of the country, he speaks more about Cordonia and its tensions with neighbouring countries.

Take note of this because I'll be returning to this point later. (also who are the writers trying to convince about Cordonia's size. "Small kingdom" my ass).

• I'll be going by the LIs' personal reasons to have a baby now, one by one, along with a summary of their views on children in the Valtoria balcony scene last book (since this scene clearly references that diamond scene if you've bought it last book).

(Screenshots: Liam's and Hana's screenshots are mine, Drake's is from @thefirstcourtesan and Maxwell's is from Kaitlyn Walker's YouTube channel)

- Liam: Liam's love for family and need for children is well-known throughout the series. In Book 1, he's dropped hints about wanting to have a different kind of family dynamic from the one he'd experienced as a child, and in Book 2 there were multiple references to wanting to not be Constantine - both as a King and as a father. In the balcony scene in Book 3, Chapter 15, Liam tells us a number of things - about the value of having more heirs for succession, of him always dreaming of having at least 3 children, about Kenna, Cordonia's most legendary warrior queen which leads to an interesting factoid about how the rules of successions for both the throne and duchies are not gender-specific (he also cites Olivia and Penelope as being in line to inherit their duchies). In this sequence Liam undoubtedly has more to say about the political aspect of having an heir than the personal, but his statement about "someone missing" in their lives is of no surprise when he's been enthusiastic about kids for three books straight.

- Drake: Drake perhaps gets the lengthiest 'personal' bit of all, revolving around his eagerness to be a father and his own family history. This scene has Drake speaking of wanting a child with "your eyes and my hair", but most of all of Savannah and her little family, and wanting the happiness his sister is experiencing now. The writing often manages to tie Drake's thoughts about his future family with his past: in the Valtoria balcony scene, his memories of his father and his desire to bring up his own kids the way Jackson did are dominant in the conversation on children. He speaks at length about the absence of a proper 'home' so far in his life (stating that his room at the palace always felt like "a room in someone else's house") and how high on his priority list the prospect of having children is. The Valtoria scene shows him eager to have kids asap, and this scene builds up the same urgency. You're left in no doubt that he wants those kids now.

• Maxwell: Maxwell's route of this scene soundly pretty sudden, tbh. In his Valtoria scene, Maxwell expressed doubt and nervousness when it came to children, citing the example of Bartie ("I love palling around with little Bartie and everything, but if he bonks his head or something, I can just hand him back to Savannah. When it's your kid, you're the one people hand him to."). While this is referenced in TRH's dialogue when Maxwell jokes about forgetting diapers and baby socks - it's a pretty big jump from the man who didn't exactly feel ready to have children yet, and not enough work was done to justify that shift. This could be somewhat excused in the beginning of Book 3, when the narrative had just begun to treat him like an LI, but they've had an entire damn book and several months after to reflect on how to write him properly. That is...if they actually gave a damn.

- Hana: They don't even have the excuse of "relatively new LI" in Hana's case. Because she is the lone female LI married to a female MC, her scene should have been a lot more extensive and explored her urgency to have children so soon after their wedding, a whole lot more. There are tiny changes, like the one where she hints at the "logistical concerns" that come with two women considering a family, and where she speaks of giving her child the childhood she never had (which, frankly, is an extremely vague statement and could be applicable to more than one character in Cordonia). But there is urgency that, again, isn't properly explained in the scene. Even Hana's Valtoria scene doesn't have much that would explain why she would want a child barely weeks after her wedding. The Valtoria scene does have her outlining her dreams for the duchy (along with a joke about her enacting "Beauty and the Beast") and her happiness at the thought of being a mother (she maintains that out of the things expected of her, motherhood is the one she looked forward to). They could have spent some time thinking up a reason for why Hana would rush this, even before anything has happened, or outlined something personal and not ultra-generic. Both Maxwell and Hana deserved a lot better than this.

• Maxwell speaks about possibly forgetting diapers (PLS NO MAXWELL NO) and baby socks (um okay not as bad but depends on the climate), and one of the MC's dialogue options is to say..."diapers and socks are overrated". Guys your kid won't care how much fun you are when they have a bum rash.

• A-ha! Diamond scene. First-chapter diamond love scenes always come cheap in these series' (12 diamonds) and are usually quite a steal.

• ESTHER HAS NEW LINGERIE OMG I'M SO HAPPY I'D BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT FOR SO LOOOOONG 😭😭😭😭

• ...and it is also matches Liam's underwear. Maxwell's too 😅

• The scene is nice, there are variations between the ways the LIs work up their appetite before they finally roll in the...well, sand 😅 Maxwell has what they call an "ocean duel", Hana's fulfills her lifelong dream of carrying and spinning around her wife on a secluded beach, Drake chases the MC through the water...and Liam just enjoys being a huuuge tease, okay? 😂

• Oh God, why are they still using the old LoveHacks sexytimes music. That "DHUM-boom-ta-doom-DHUM" beat drives me nuts, and not in a good way. You have better music now, PB! Like the sexytimes tunes from RCD and PM. Use those!

• My gosh this entire group is quite horny for dominant duchesses, aren't they. Every last one of them. Each playthrough has these four gazing at the MC in wonder and telling her some variation of "I think you ordering me around is hot". Olivia could trample over them all with spiked heels and they would thank her!

• As always, when something suspicious happens, my dumbass MC goes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and never thinks about it again until shit actually goes down. This woman will never learn, will she.

• Anyway! We now move on to the rest of the honeymoon, summed up in three-four varying scenes per LI:

(Screenshots: Liam's and Hana's screenshots are mine, Drakes is HIMEME's YouTube channel, and Maxwell's is from Kaitlyn Walker's YouTube channel).

- Liam: Focused and dedicated. And insatiable as hell. Sex on a bed (SHOCKING!), sex after his wife points out what could be an apple constellation during stargazing (the MC effectively killed Liam's boner for Cordonia, I see), sex after having chocolate strawberries at a sunlit pond, sex again on a bed (Why is he getting four? 🤔). While the staff is still around somewhere on the island. This is a man with a mission.

- Maxwell: Fun and playful - kind of a "let's live wild and do daredevilry while we can!" vibe. In one Maxwell and the MC cliff dive into the ocean, debating over the wisdom of such risky adventuring when they may possibly be having a baby. In another, the MC watches, concerned, as Maxwell eats a raw squid appetizer. There is a nice callback to Maxwell's House sigil - the kraken - when he tells her that a squid would never hurt a fellow squid. The third shows them playing Strip Monopoly in the comfort of their bedroom.

- Hana: Adorable, caring and looking through every detail. Hana's three scenes involve her showing the MC the sights around the sunlit pond (which Hana and the MC lovingly call the "Hana Lee Honeymoon Itinerary"), watching the sunset under blankets, and this little scene of them choosing sperm donors for their baby:

It's a nice addition, but it still doesn't explain why they couldn't have waited a few more months. Nothing has happened yet in the timeline of the story, the women are (they believe) finally safe and happy, and while Javier seems to believe that babies born to a couple that consists of two women pop out of nowhere, I'm hoping the denizens of their duchy will have at least a little more common sense (this is Cordonia, so "hope" is the operative word).

- Drake: Langorous, relaxed and contented. Stargazing on the beach (I wonder whether this was a nod to the meteor shower scene in Book 1), whiskey on a patio/balcony/whatever in the afternoon, and eating roasted pork by the fire. Plenty of sex but also lots of outdoors, which means lots of the stuff Drake enjoys doing.

• Aaaaaand it's time for sexy scene 2! The couple are now relaxing in bed on the last day of their honeymoon, and the LI proposes a momento in the form of a sensual photoshoot (which comes with artwork of the LI in their underwear, posing for the MC) The male LIs pose with their hands at the back of their heads, smirking at the camera, while Hana strikes a coy pose, leaning against her hand. It's a quick, fun scene that's supposed to squeeze as much alone-time out of the couple as possible, because from here on the focus may shift to other things. Basically this chapter is meant to be one giant (but largely safe for readers) smutfest. I like the artwork - it's different and I guess meant to be a little more realistic than the usual full-page art in the books (like the engagement and wedding photos with your LIs last book), which is why I think it takes a little getting used to. I know it took me some time!

• Maxwell got an underwear upgrade too!

• We've now come to the end of our honeymoon, our bags packed and ready for our return to Cordonia. The chapter ends with us seeing a "familiar face", who could either be Liam (if you married someone else, and he doesn't show any expression) or an unspecified person (if you married Liam, and he looks ultra happy). Now that could either be related to some paparazzi-related stuff, if the flash of light was paparazzi-related, or it could be a fake-out and he's actually brought along the rest of the gang to surprise you. Idk and I don't want to speculate too much on this, mostly because something more interesting caught my eye.

• So that's it for my thoughts on the scenes themselves! On to the "general thoughts" section.

• General Thoughts and Potential Theories:

- As a first chapter for a new series that is still tied to an older one, it worked. It mirrors the light feel and sensibility of TRR's very first chapter, in that both chapters build an illusion of a fairytale-like place, with hints of the darkness within emerging the next chapter onwards (in this series though - since we're already familiar with Cordonia - the darkness is lightly hinted at this chapter itself). In a lot of ways I think we're going to see a lot of parallels between TRR and this new series.

- Unfortunately, one of those similarities also includes the imbalance in the writing for the LIs. Specifically with Maxwell and Hana. It's the most glaring in the dinner scene, which builds for us the premise on which this entire book stands (the topic of pregnancy). There are ways you could have them make the jump from nervous about having kids to excited, if you tried - there are elements in their storyline that could have helped us understand their urgency.

- I played Liam's route first, and was happy overall with it but I still have my misgivings. The good in terms of Liam's story is that he gets importance because the story is also about him and his country, where we are staying. He gives us some very important details in his route, and personally I like that his role as Guide To The Intricacies And Nuances of Cordonian Society still exists...but you can't deny that there were things in his storyline which should have been addressed and never were. I hope those are addressed this book. If they do the same this time around, it will only be to their detriment.

- Also, I find it highly ironic that Drake is the one to mention Savannah and Bartie when it was MAXWELL who was more involved in helping her with the child. Sure, he was - as he confessed in that Valtoria scene - more the "fun uncle" type, but he was still pretty heavily involved. Still keeping track of what Savannah needed and what Bartie would want. In his own final Book 3 scene, Maxwell is shown having an amazing rapport with little Bartie, playing peekaboo with his nose. I can barely count scenes involving Drake and Bartie with the fingers of one hand. Why couldn't Maxwell reference that last moment in Book 3, drawing up some inspirational moment from it? Like spending more and more time with Bartie changed the way he felt about kids? Or maybe that Savannah or Bertrand said something regarding the joy children bring to him. Anything that gives us some idea of when this shift happened.

Maxwell may have been new last book. It may have been a struggle to know what to do with him last book. But that isn't the case right now. By now they should have settled in their writing of him and figured out ways to make his story make sense? To give him more depth rather than simply reducing the man to the court jester? Maxwell's story was supposed to be about him growing, the scene in Valtoria was supposed to be about wanting to be a good father for his future children but fearing he might fail...yet the writers have the same man say the exact opposite. Maxwell's family history was thrown away for no good reason last book, and was replaced by Savannah drama. There was more space given to Savannah's love story with Bertrand (which didn't NEED the entire book to gain fruition) and Drake (optionally) enjoying humiliating Bertrand. That time, energy and effort could have gone in building up Maxwell, getting an insight into what happened to the Beaumonts that they became so poor...but no. The only Beaumont that mattered seems to be Savannah (and we know exactly why). And going by the fact that they're going to force an entire wedding storyline involving Bertrand and Savannah down our throats, that still seems to be the case.

- Hana's is even more worrying considering that it was poles apart from the rest of the playthroughs and therefore SHOULD have had more thought. Yes Hana loves the idea of being a mother. Yes Hana loves children and has a nurturing nature. But the urgency is still the same as the others' in her playthrough, and it made absolutely no sense. There was a clear dissonance between their current situation and the rush these two were in.

Hana's deserved at least some more time in her dinner scene. Maybe one where she could speak about growing up an only child, with no companions and not even toys. She could explain the loneliness involved in having a small family with parents who gave her more duties than affection, and then speak about giving her kid a better childhood. There isn't even any discussion about which of them should be the person carrying (we know it will be the MC, but why it has to be her in their case is anyone's guess).

What the team have done here is give Hana the bare minimum, after an entire two books of giving her even less than that. I know I'll probably be judged for thinking negatively rather than being cautiously optimistic, but the fact is that the moment this team feels they can get away with tossing scraps or less than that, they can and will do it. It's not stopped them before: not from botching up Hana's storyline, not from giving Hana fans a reception full of goof-ups and shoddy writing, not from pairing her with her bully. Perhaps last year I would have been happy and grateful to see Hana and the MC calling each other "my wife". This time...I refuse to settle for just mere scraps. If you can give thought and care to Liam and Drake's storylines, you'd better be able to do the same for Hana and Maxwell, otherwise what's the point of reviving this book? What's the point of using Hana specifically in two of your ads as bait for your lesbian/bi/wlw fans?? Might as well let the entire series rot in the trash where it belongs in that case.

- I've heard theories about our child becoming heir to the throne, thanks to a possible future arc that may make Liam unable to have children. I personally hate this possible plot line for two reasons:

1. As it is the MC gets more importance than she deserves, whether or not she actually puts in the work. She becomes a front-runner during the social season even if she fails. She becomes a Duchess even if she lacks even the most basic skills, while Hana who has done way more than she ever had for the country gets nothing, not even a needle-point's worth of land. She becomes Champion of the Realm even if she is literal garbage throughout that book, when that title could have easily gone to Olivia or Hana instead if she didn't earn enough to get it. And now to have her kid be made an heir to the throne? For no good reason? Get outta here.

2. Forcing Liam into yet another storyline that is tragic and painful (and I'm pretty sure the writers will find yet another excuse to write a thesis on Drake Walker in the time they could be using to let Liam actually break down, or vent. If they couldn't be bothered to explore the man's feelings when his own father died, do you really think they will bother with him in this??) on top of whatever else he's had to experience so far? At this point I can do with less of that. I'm honestly sick of storylines that put Liam in very uncomfortable, painful situations with very little space for him to air out his grief. Give the man a fucking break. Let him have some breathing space to rule his goddamned kingdom, get him a fantastic therapist and get him better friends while he's at it. Pushing him into yet another messed-up situation when you've barely even scratched the surface with what his experiences have done to him, is really just drama for the sake of drama, nothing else.

- Nonetheless, since this is about a pregnancy and a future heir, I believe there will be plenty talk about succession, and about the importance given to fertility and children in Cordonian society. But as with the social season in Book 1, the engagement tour in Book 2, and the wedding + Unity Tour in Book 3, I believe the pregnancy itself is a frame story. The kind of story that justifies the glitz, the glitter, and the glamorous events...that can serve as a temporary gloss to cover the conflicts within. All while the inner stories reveals those conflicts, layer by layer (again, if it's done right. Book 3 is a good example of a great premise ruined by bad writing. I sincerely hope this book does not go in that direction).

- Remember those screenshots I put up in that dinner scene from Liam's route? About Cordonia's tensions with its neighbouring countries, and how the country may be viewed as vulnerable? I think that's where the actual theme of the story lies.

Books 1 and 2 mostly revolved around the illusion of Cordonia - the fairytale kingdom - before the MC herself is confronted with the tensions brewing within. Book 3 was about strengthening Cordonia through resolution of internal conflict. It was about learning about the intricacies of the country, its most powerful duchies, their histories and identities, Cordonia's messy, complicated history - to tackle the problems that lay within.

I feel like Book 4 would be taking a natural progression from resolving internal conflict to finally standing united as a nation against outside forces. Constantine - in his conversation with the MC in Shanghai - hints not only at groups within Cordonia that wanted to destroy the monarchy, but also foreign powers ("suffice to say there are those who envy Cordonia's prosperity...". Not the royal family's - but "Cordonia's").

Keeping a united front and showcasing strength through pride in the country - ergo 'patriotism', or perhaps 'national integration' since Cordonia is home to many different cultures and geographical locations (I originally wrote 'nationalism here, but now realize there may be negative connotations attached to that word in today's times: thanks @musicallisto!) is often viewed as an asset against alien forces. The MC is now a part of the monarchy/nobility, and will be irrevocably tied to the country's future - so it makes sense that she will now dig into the deepest and most intimate parts of Cordonia's history, and go several steps further in helping to unite the nation.

- Why do I theorize 'patriotism' or 'national integration' as being a theme? There are several reasons for this:

The Unresolved Storylines: We still have a ways to go in understanding Cordonian history. We don't know which other forces were involved in previous assassinations, and we don't have a clue what happened to Liam's mother. All we do know is that other people and groups that we have probably not even seen yet, may have been involved. Francesco (who also knew Liam's mother) and Xinghai, the only foreign delegates/visitors that we got to network with in Book 2, have minimal roles so far but SEEM to have had some influence when they were introduced earlier. Francesco particularly could have some sort of role to play, given what we were told about him in Book 2. Now would be a good time to explore why he needed contacts with these people (other than the fact that Xinghai is Hana's dad). It's possible that nothing will happen and we may not even see these two, or exchange any important information, but I'd still hope that there is some importance to their appearances in Book 2.

The Connections We Made In The Engagement Tour: Meeting Francesco in Capri was related to getting access to EU markets for Cordonian products. The engagement tour itself revolved around grabbing international attention towards Cordonian problems - one of which was the tsunami that hit Portavira, which we learn more about in Book 3. There is a possibility that these threads may be picked up in the future.

Both the above points hint at possible threats, or allies. At this point we can't exactly determine who is friend and who is foe, but it is clear that neighbouring countries - and indeed countries we have associated with in the past - will play a pretty big role in the way we view Cordonia, and in the way we direct the narrative of this country.

The Artwork: I love this part of my theory because it is the most based on actual evidence rather than guesswork. The idea of a nation depends as much on items of familiarity and symbols, as it does on history. It's why countries have national animals, anthems, fruits. Why art depicting national and local legends can often be considered almost sacred. The book has barely even begun yet, and already it is FILLED with all kinds of things symbolic to Cordonia.

Let's first take a peek at the cover art:

Now let's ignore Liam's and Drake's (busted) faces in this cover and focus on what the three are holding.

The MC holds a rattle in her hand, and the jewel within the rattle looks similar to a ruby, which has been associated more than once with apples in the story (Cordonia's most valued variety of apple is the Cordonian Ruby, Liam's wedding gift to the MC is a ruby in the shape of an apple. The same rattle shows up in the second cover [on the left] as well. It's a stretch, I know, but I've got better evidence. Stick with me).

Liam holds a onesie with a crown design on the front - and we know that "for crown and country" is a popular phrase, especially for toasts, in Cordonia. Drake holds out a toy lion: the lion is the national animal, and holds a place of pride in the national Coat-of-Arms. The throne on which the MC herself sits, is blue and gold - both considered national colours. That's at least 4 symbols related to Cordonia vying for our attention on the same cover!

I mean, even Book 3 had just two major symbols - the apple (related to Cordonia) and the phoenix gown (related to Valtoria) - featuring on its cover.

The biggest proof to me, however, is not the cover, but the loading page. To be more precise - what is written above that loading page. A number of Choices books (BB, for instance) write little factoids about the world they are building above the loading bar, which players can read while they're waiting for the chapter to load. This wasn't a common practice with TRR, but they've definitely started it now! Some of the commentary is usual stuff - about gaining advantages through outfits, welcoming you back to Cordonia, etc...but THIS TIME there are tidbits of information given to us as well. And 80% of those involve apples!

Here are a few I managed to catch. One fact on the importance of apples in Cordonian culture, two specifically on the Cordonian Ruby itself including a rare recipe, and two old proverbs (this isn't the only time we've heard apple-related proverbs in the books - in Book 3 for instance, Bertrand refers to their trip to Fydelia as 'slicing two apples with one knife'). Proverbs in general often give us an idea of what people within a region hold up as important, as so connected to their life experiences that they can use those familiar objects as motifs for things that they see in daily life (eg. proverbs in my home state, Kerala, often refer to things/animals we find locally: jasmines, coconuts, jackfruit, dogs, elephants).

The fact that the apple features so often and with such emphasis in the loading page itself - and we have already seen what this simple fruit means to Cordonia - indicates to me that this national symbol - and the idea of the nation itself - will be of great importance. Not only will we be exploring foreign relations, IMO, but we'll also be learning how to build a national narrative that will benefit and strengthen Cordonia.

What's also interesting is that the apple symbolizes fertility to the Cordonian people as well - the apple cutting ceremony during a wedding (as explained by Regina to Leo's fiancée in RoE) is "a symbol of the fruit the tree will bear - you being the tree, of course", and there are chances that the fruit may feature often within the context of pregnancy/having children as well.

• That's all for now, guys. I hope to write more and theorize more as the chapters progress! Until then, I hope you enjoy this one, and I'd love to hear what you have to say.

• I did the Hana screenshots for this chapter, since the first chapter allows me to play repeatedly within losing keys, but I won't be able to do so from Chapter 2 onwards. If there are any Hana fans out there who keep screenshots of scenes in their route and are interested in sharing, I'd love to hear from you and will definitely credit you for the screenshots I put up!

• If you'd like to be tagged in future QTs, please let me know! Tagging @nikkisha16 for now since she asked xD

• Until Saturday, folks!

[fragmentedink-archived]

Why writing diversity and representation is important to me

heavily triggering, be warned

I am a cis-gendered white female who makes a point of writing different kinds of diversity and rep in my stories. I have grown up devouring books my entire life. I have loved reading from the start, and I would not be alive without books.

My home life, my school life, both were plagued by bullies and trauma and abuse. I am twenty five years old, I have witnessed things no one deserves to witness in places that are supposed to guarantee my safety growing up by people who were supposed to protect me. 

I watched my step father, a man I despise, hit and break my terminally ill mother’s nose when I was nineteen, with his hand enclosed around a phone- which he had ripped off the walls so we could not call the cops. Couches were shoved in front of the door, so we could not get out and get help. We lived in a trailer, in a town where no one knew me, my brother, or my mother all that well. But Dave grew up in that town, he was known on first name basis with the cops and over half the town.

 He was high, got off scot free, and he had been a registered nurse and to this day, he will joke and lie about what happened, right in front of my face. And the worst part, is that my mom asked me if I would stop talking to her if she let him back in her house. This was a reoccurring thing over the span of idek how many years. I have been hit, pushed, belittled and humiliated my entire life to the point of contemplation of suicide and self harm.

I am a survivor of csa (not my step father, just fyi) as well as domestic violence and child abuse. My mother was misdiagnosed and unmedicated and self medicated for bipolar disorder until i was eight years old, and then she was clean, and she and me and my brother lived pretty good until I was ten, and my mom then met Dave. My birth father found out he was schizophrenic when I was fifteen. And then when I was fifteen my mom was diagnosed with end stage renal failure and she died when she was 39 years old.

Most people will agree, ten years old is a ripe time for mental illness onset. That year, I was at a new school, as I had been to a TON of schools all over south west iowa. I went from an A-B student down to a D-F student in the span of a semester.

My anxiety started that year, so did my OCD and my ADHD and my Depression. I also have a few personality disorders as well, from how I was raised, as well as being a big kid. And my teacher was an evil bitch who lived to make an example out of me. You can ask anyone with ADHD how hard it is to stay organized. It is hell for me to do so, always has been, and my teacher separated my desk from the others, put it at the front of the room, and ductaped a black garbage bag to my desk. I had spent many days in the principals office, I had started skipping school and had full on mental break downs from bullies throwing snowballs at me and because of my teacher as well.

I started pulling my hair out, which my teacher commented on in front of the entire class (but of course). I internalized everything, refused to back talk or defend myself, because I was raised to not back talk my teachers or adults and I didn’t want to get into trouble. Especially since every time I had an outburst growing up, I was threatened with being committed, so I learned to internalize everything and swallow my feelings. To avoid conflict. I suppressed so much stress I caused a lazy eye and several bald spots.

Things did not get any easier the older I got. I just learned all the different levels of hell.

Now you ask, what does my sob story have to do with representation and diversity. Well.

The way I dealt with all this, was through escapism, which is the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy. In other words, I read books.

I used to read a seven hundred page book a day.

I gravitated towards books with characters who had been through similar situations that I had been through. I read the books about the boy under the stairs who had been abused and bullied by his family. I had read the books about the girl who protected her sister by volunteering in a kill or be killed competition. I learned through a book that there was an actual disorder that had a name for pulling out my hair. I had been accused of (shocker) attention seeking, when really it was trichotillomania.

But I recall very few books with characters who were mentally ill, growing up. I recall very few books with characters who had dealt with the things I had growing up. But the ones I found, I still remember, and those books reminded me that I was not alone, that I was not crazy. That I was real.

How many books do I find about lgbt characters who are mentally ill, that are told in a positive light? Not many. Not many at all.

I grew up looking in on these happy kids at school, all around me, whose lives I would have killed to have, who took the things I loved for granted. They read books and do not look for the things I looked for, the things that all the marginalized people look for. For proof that they exist, that they matter. That they could be the one to save the world, or be the one to get the happy ending.

POC, LGBT people, disabled people, bullied people, traumatized people, women: They all need a story where they feel like they can be the hero, where they can be the one to get the happy ending or be on top of the world, instead of feeling like they are the outcasts, the ones who need to be saved, the ones who are the ‘burden’ of the cis straight white neurotypical men that the million of fucking books are about.

We exist, we matter.

So I write stories that I needed growing up, the stories that would have saved me. Because maybe, just maybe, I am saving someone else too.

Diversity is important because diverse people are real, and you never know what someone is going through.

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

FEMSLASH FEBRUARY 2019 #17: In which your moderator journals some thoughts about the claim that “Donna’s idea was Cameron”

So, a few weeks back I reblogged this post, which hopefully you’ve all seen and responded to emotionally (I know I have!), which contains the shooting script’s description of what happens in Cameron and Donna’s final scene together, as written by the Chrises, and a further clarification made via personal correspondence by Christopher Cantwell. The action lines describe Donna looking around the diner and trying to memorize everything about it, and that when she looks over at Cameron, who’s already outside, “Something hits Donna. Not nostalgia. Not Loss. Not peace of mind. It’s a subtle wave of something else, something washing over her, through her in this moment as her eyes go distant, and something catches behind them. She gets her change. But she can’t shake whatever just happened. Her face almost betrays a look of frustration. Goddamnit.” Cantwell explained, in aforementioned personal correspondence, again, that the idea Donna had in this moment, was Cameron. 

I…don’t know if I’ll ever have had enough time to sit with this, or if I’ll ever have much to add. Let’s start with how there is no heterosexual explanation for this. Like, ‘something washing over her’ that isn’t nostalgia, loss, peace, activated by the sight of Cameron (by her truck, of all things!)…it feels apparent that what’s washing over Donna is a surge of affection, if not love, for Cameron. It isn’t necessarily ‘romantic’ (…), and it isn’t necessarily the same thing as or indicative of a sexual attraction, but that doesn��t really matter. And no, that’s not shipper goggles. That’s reading the text, both the provided shooting script and, like, 40 hours worth of film. 

OP @grouchylion writes in the post that there’s a discrepancy between what the shooting script dictates and how the scene was shot and ultimately cut. I haven’t rewatched that scene, which is fine because I probably couldn’t handle it right now, but because I’m an incorrigible geek, I have thought about why that might be, and about what was published in interviews around the time of the finale. 

It’s not made explicit in the finale that Donna is being overwhelmed by her feelings for Cameron, and it’s also certainly not made explicit in the text. The episode also wasn’t directed by the screenwriters. So presumably, director Karyn Kusama worked from this shooting script. In a vulture interview that was linked in this reblog, Kerry Bishé says, “Karyn [Kusama, the director of the episode] has this great idea about it. I’m paying for the food in our diner, and she sees somebody reading the newspaper, and she sees the jukebox, and she’s the waitress taking an order, and she sees the cash register. And then it’s like a lightning bolt. We don’t know what the idea is, which I love. Because it could be anything.” And then, “I made some joke like, is it the iPhone? But it’s great, we don’t have to know what the idea is. And Karyn’s like, It’s everything. It’s not one idea. It’s all of the ideas. Donna sees the future when all of this human interaction will be technological.”

All of which suggests that neither the director nor the actress considered that Donna’s idea ‘was Cameron,’ or certainly not in the way that the shooting script and Cantwell’s later admission hints at. I would say that I can’t fvcking believe, even if Cantwell didn’t actually communicate this to them directly (and, uh, it kinda sounds like he didn’t? Right?) that either Karyn Kusama or Kerry Bishé read the shooting script (idek if they did, maybe they didn’t see that script, or, what even is a ‘shooting script,’ we just don’t know!) and read the action lines provided and actually thought, ‘oh yeah, sure, Donna’s just looking at the cash register and stuff!’ but after a lifetime of dealing with non-gays, I kind of can believe it. I guess. Sigh. 

All joking and meme language aside, we really don’t know what they thought when/if they read those action lines, or how much they talked with the Chrises or if they were even on set or what have you. I don’t think it’s possible to know to any satisfying degree how all of this happened, as in, even if we could question every single person involved, or even just, like, the Chrises, Karyn Kusama, Kerry Bishé, all thirteen credited producers, the editors, and the cinematographer (IMDB lists editors Rachel Goodlett Katz and Robert Komatsu, and cinematographer Evans Brown and yes, despite recent Oscars tomfoolery those professionals and their jobs are important!), we probably still wouldn’t know quite how we got from the original intent stated after the fact to Kusama and Bishé’s ultimate interpretation and performance. That’s just the magic of film production, people. And/or the magic of structural heterosexism, I guess!

To be clear, one doesn’t need to actually be heterosexual (and, reminder, we don’t actually know that Cantwell, Kusama, or Bishé, even thought they are all in m/f relationships irl, are heterosexual, because bisexual and pansexual people exist) or even actively heterosexist or homophobic in order to perpetuate heterosexism, in great part because the majority of the social reproduction of heterosexuality as a construct imposed on human bodies is done by very large institutions, which makes it very easy for us as individuals to help it along without really meaning to. Which is to say, in the off chance that it’s not obvious, that I’m not here to point fingers. I’m not even here to complain, really. I’m mostly just here to marvel at how we can’t have (certain, explicitly GAY) nice things, and how complicated the reasons for that really are. 

And so, we have fandom. And blogs like this one, fanfiction, fanart, etc, to make what’s in the text but not ever directly said explicit. I know that it can be and often is intensely frustrating to see relationships like Cameron and Donna’s (and Gordon and J*e’s!) be characterized as friendships, and feel like a tv show is being cowardly, or needlessly prioritizing bromances and ‘strong female friendships’ between mostly presumed straight characters over writing lgbt characters. More to the point, it’s really infuriating to see straight people in the fandom totally disregard the work that the people involved in the show put into depicting those relationships, and communicating their depth, nuance, and intensity, and talk over, dismiss, and insult gay ships and shippers. 

We can’t always have explicitly gay things, sadly. And even when we can have explicitly gay characters and relationships, that doesn’t mean that they’re written well or that they’re in shows that we actually want to sit through, or that they get good or uplifting storylines. What we can do, and what I’ve been thinking about for the past few days, is learn to value the sort of representation that we did get with Halt, of partnership and commitment that develops into real care and affection, even in pairings that are not heterosexual, of complicated, sensitive human beings who are clearly not heterosexual, who are clearly capable of developing real, amazing, emotionally sustaining, nurturing bonds with people of the ‘same’ or similar gender, that can’t be cut down or simplified to fit into a box as tiny or as useless as our standard definition of ‘friendship.’ And like, I know we value it, that’s why we’re still talking about it here on Donna Emerson’s internet over a year after the fact. But, idk. Maybe instead of or in addition to being reasonably disappointed about Cameron and Donna (and plenty of other gay ships on other shows) not technically being canon, we should rethink what we mean by canon? Especially in cases like this one where the text shows us that characters have feelings for each other? 

It’s just an idea, just a thing for my fellow incorrigible nerds to think about, maybe. 

[raphaelsplinter]

|| Get to know RAPHAEL SPLINTER who’s TWENTY-TWO years old and a SENIOR in college majoring in LAW. He is from NEW YORK and is often times mistaken for ARON PIPER while others say he reminds them of RAPH from TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. ||

heyo all, my name is pepper, and after spending way too long getting distracted and watching jenna marble videos sdjksdjk Here I Am to introduce my grumpy problem child, raph ! a bit about me i guess, i’m a pinterest addict and a big fergie fan, i can only wink with both eyes (still counts tho right?) and i love b99, the good place, and umbrella academy. alright down bellow will be a bit about My Boi and some wcs i have for him ! please * youtuber vc * sMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON if you’d like to plot and i will come running okay? okay 

tl;dr for those who don’t want to go through this whole thing, he’s the raph you loved and knew from tmnt except he’s bifurious, been to juvie, and had a period of his life where he was a vigilante. 

to start before i forget here is his pinterest board ! blood tw though !

Raph has always used his fists to solve his problems. Violence was as natural to him as breathing, something he’d been turning to since before he can remember, and truly never really learnt how to stop. From punching kids who bugged him on the playground to picking fights with jerks who looked at him funny, Raphael was, and likely always will be, a bit aggressive. Quick to anger and even quicker to throw a punch because of it.

It was his adopted father who decided to help him channel this anger into something constructive. At first Raph thought it was stupid. After all, he already knew how to punch somebody, he didn’t need to know how to do it with gloves on. But at his father’s patient insistence, Raphael tried it, and unexpectedly (at least to Raphael) it helped. Yes, Raph was still eternally in a bad mood, but now when it all got too much and his anger felt like a noose around his neck, he had something to turn to rather than the first person who ticked him off.

But it wasn’t long until Raph didn’t just have boxing to turn to. Not just karate and taekwondo either, no, somehow Raph accidentally stumbled into an even more unexpected outlet. You see, Raph’s sense of justice was almost as strong as his anger, and that was maybe the one thing he and his family all shared, the one thing they all had in common, even his father. None of them could just sit back and allow someone else to get hurt, and it was that sense of justice that led Raph into some light pseudo vigilantism. It wasn’t anything big or, hell, organised. Honestly, the way it started was with Raph hearing something suspicious in an alley, going in guns-- or rather fists-- blazing and taking care of it himself rather than calling the police. But the thing was, it became a pattern. It became a choice. It got to the point where Raph would go out at night and roam the streets, waiting to see if anything was going down, waiting to step in. And it was New York, after all, it was the cesspool of the earth, something was always going down. Almost every night through most of his teenage years Raph would come home with bloodied knuckles and bruises, hurting like hell and having to hide it all from his family but… he felt good. He felt lighter. Doing what he was doing then, it felt better than just punching someone to punch somebody. It felt like he was actually helping people, like he was using his anger that only ever seemed to hurt people to actually do something good for once. For a while Raph thought that he was truly doing what he was supposed to be doing. That he had found his calling (although he would die before saying that out loud. Too damn cheesy).

Until of course, predictably, everything went downhill. Using his anger as a tool seemed like a great idea, and it would have been, if he knew how to control it. How to wield it like his dual daggers or his fists. But he didn’t. And because of that he slipped up, let his anger get the better of him, let it overflow one night and went too far. It didn’t matter than Raphael was stepping in between the guy and the girl he was harassing. It didn’t even matter that the girl defended him. The police didn’t care. He nearly put the guy in a coma, and he was pressing charges, and those charges landed Raph in the slammer for a whole year.

Luckily Raph was spared being charged an adult by the fact that he was seventeen at the time. While he did get a record, and lost a year of his life to the incident, it all really could have been much worse. He was able to see his family every once and a while when he had visitation. And he was able to continue school from in there. Juvie, as horrible as it was, was almost like the wake up call he needed. It was the push he needed to realize that he couldn’t let his anger control him. He needs to learn to control it.

So he’s learning. Slowly and grudgingly through mandated anger management. In all honesty, he hates it, and he slips up all the time, but he keeps going to his appointments. He keeps coming back, and he figures that must count for something.

Getting into university with a record wasn’t exactly easy, even with Raphael’s grades. Yeah, Raph was no Leo or Don but there’s not much else to do in juvie but workout and study, so that’s what Raph did. Found out he was actually pretty decent in school when he actually put the effort in and had no other options. Not that most universities or colleges even cared. Raphael had stubbornly convinced himself that he didn’t even want to go (after all, he wasn’t even sure what he wanted to do with his life, whether that be opening his own boxing ring or becoming a personal trainer, so he might not even need university in the first place) ( and because being angry was so much easier than being disappointed) until he got the offer from Corona. And yeah he thought it was stupid, and kind of shady, but... he didn’t really have any other options, and his brothers were going too. So he figured why not.

Raph decided to study law because again, why tf not. He minored in italian language and literature because-- well you get the drill. Honestly, if you were to ask Raphael about his major he would simply shrug, grumble, or give you the finger, but after being on the wrong side of the law for so long he wants to know it. In all honesty, Raph doesn’t trust cops or a lot of law enforcement, he thinks a lot of them are incompetent and stupid, and if he has his way, he’s going to be apart of changing that and maybe show these morons how it should be done.

HEADCANNONS

I have a headcannon that Raph took up italian when bored out of his mind in juvie, actually didn’t find it that hard, and he’s just been continuing to learn it and find it pretty damn easy here in Corona. I will say though, Raph isn’t the best student. He isn’t the best with authority figures who aren’t his father (the single and only authority figure he respects) so he tends to be rude in lecture, and ditch a lot, but he aces all his assignments so the professors can’t complain.

Raph is a smoker (both weed and cigarettes) and he doesn’t really care what anyone has to say about it. He figures they’re his lungs to ruin.

Raph has a sleeve at tattoos down his right arm, and an earring in his left ear.

Tends to work out/spar while he’s stressed.

Is a kind of impulsive and aggressive drunk, but also very loose and warm too if that makes sense, he can go from happy to angry at the drop of a hat.

He’s very protective of his youngest brother Mike, and that protectiveness can sometimes extend to other people younger than him. He doesn’t care for the most part, but Raph will always stick up or look out for the little guy, even if he does so grumpily.

The biggest potty mouth in the world omg, like it was hard for me not to curse while writing this while in his head space. He needs a swear jar.

Has some abandonment issues and identity issues due to the whole adoption thing but yk it’s chill he’s trying to chill dkjdfjk

THICK new york accent love this for him

WANTED CONNECTIONS ;  literally almost forgot to put these oof sorry y’all i’m a fool

friends ; raph is hella antisocial so i’d say there’s maybe two spots for these but i would love for him to have some people he actually like Semi likes to be around yk that would be cool (4/4) vanellope, merida, shego, dipper !

annoyance ; someone who bugs him. this is pretty self explanatory but this could be like a big brother/younger sibling kind of situation or it could just be someone who gets on his Last Nerve mabel !

someone he looks out for ; someone raph is protective of! this could be because he thinks of them as a younger sibling, or because he just feels the need to watch out for them and he doesn’t know why. we can plot this out ! rosetta & daphne ! (2/?)

an ex ; raph despite his moody ass, does tend to date even if it’s kind of rare. this could be someone who dated raph for whatever amount of time and maybe it well or maybe it went horribly. 

a past hookup ; self explanatory i think but raph has more hookups than actual relationships so if anyone is interested this is open to f / m / or nb! (1/?) angelica !

a fwb ; again self explanatory and open to all genders ! shego !

a soft spot ; someone who raph has a soft spot for for reasons that can be plotted. this grump is just a little less grumpy around them for reasons idek yet i just figure this could be fun. (2/2) rapunzel & boo !

a sparring partner ; someone who raph turns to when he physically wants to fight. friends with benefits except the benefit is fighting lmao flynn & vanellope !

enemies ; someone who raph hates, and it’s mutual, or maybe it’s one sided ! slightly !

stoner buddy ; coraline !

i think that’s it for now but i’m always willing to brainstorm tbh hit your girl up !

[tchoking]

Learning Curve

pairing: loki x poc!reader (gender neutral) genre: fluff word count: 2.5k+ warnings: racial discrimination, murderous thoughts (?), i honestly don’t remember if there are swears in this one but it’s me so better safe than sorry summary: Loki has struggled to grasp midgardian racial discrimination but through y/n, he slowly and surely comes to understand it. And hate it.

a/n: I’ve been putting this one off for so long and I actually cried while writing this... it really just got to me idek anymore. Based off of some of my experiences (yes someone said that to me on the northern line even though i speak better English than him). uhhhhhh this kinda counts as avenger!reader  too i guess. and i know i said i write for black readers but i had to do sth for out nbpoc brethren, this fic felt like it was the one to do it with.

Your name: submit What is this?

Loki always listened intently whenever you spoke of the things you had gone through; his blood boiling every time you recalled someone underestimating you, taunting you, insulting you, simply because of the colour of your skin. He often wondered why midgardians were so fixated on outward appearances. Back on Asgard, nobody really cared what colour your skin was— an asgardian was an asgardian and every asgardian was built with the same matter, had the same blood coursing through their veins.

So, when you and Loki had initially started dating and you had warned about the looks the two of you might receive and the words he may overhear, he had been confused. He could not understand why you would be so worried about what people will think of the two of you, of your relationship. Loki thought you were simply embarrassed to be seen with him, that you were looking for excuses and he stupidly voiced these thoughts. A grimace etched on his face as he spat that you were simply ashamed of him, ashamed of being seen with a jotunn.

He recalled you leaning back, your expression clouded in disbelief as you remained silent and he had thought this is it, they’re definitely leaving now but then you spoke quietly, voice calm. Loki would never forget the words you said first, “I’m going to take my time to respond to you because I want to choose my words carefully, this doesn’t need to be a fight and right now, every inch of my body wants to shout at you and I’m a few seconds away from doing something I might regret later,” you’d said, walking past him and exiting the room. You returned several hours later, knocking feintly on the door before coming in and you sat him down, explaining what you had meant, trying to help him understand where you were coming from. You got up to leave and he asked you to say but you gave him a soft smile, “I’m still mad at you for talking to me the way you did,” you called behind you as you exited.

Loki had never been one for apologies but he found himself restless, unable to sleep. He needed to apologise, the thought of you being upset with him weighed down on him with such vigour he felt he might suffocate.

You and Loki didn’t go on dates at first, at least not ones that would take place outside the walls of the avengers compound. So, when he posited the idea you were shocked, you’d wanted to go out to many restaurants but had understood that it wasn’t exactly Loki’s scene. He’d noticed the growing lists of places you wanted to go to, the spark of excitement in your eyes when you discovered a new cafe— he’d also noticed how quick you were to hide your new finds, quickly realising it was because you didn’t want to pressure him. How he wished you knew he was willing to do almost anything for you.

“We should go out for dinner,” he said, eyes never leaving the book he was reading. You almost gave yourself whiplash turning to look at him.

“Do you have anywhere in mind?” You asked, suddenly giddy.

“I was hoping you’d choose, actually.”

You look at the time and get off the bed with a start, rushing to gather your things, tripping over your own feet as you struggle to change out of your shorts. Loki can only smile at your antics.

It’s at the restaurant that Loki understands what you were talking about and though he’s so happy to be there with you, he can’t help the anger that builds up within him, hand-in-hand with his sudden comprehension.

The couple adjacent to you keeps smiling at the two of you and both of you pick up on their conversation about the recent royal wedding, talking about how amazing it is they can overcome their race. Loki doesn’t think you hear them, though he’s not sure how you can’t because the pair are putting on this how for the two of you. He sees you roll your eyes when they begin to discuss Americanah and quote lines, though you can quite clearly see one of them scrolling through an article o the very book they’re quoting.

He sees you open your mouth to say something but his hand reaches for your own across the table and you take it, eyes locking with his as he wills you to not say anything because you both know it could easily escalate. You smile softly and Loki begins to talk to you in an attempt to distract you. Your food arrives and soon you’ve forgotten about what had been conspiring next to you.

Loki watches you fondly as you dance in your seat, humming a familiar tune as you take your first bite. He’s so sure he’s well on his way to being so in love with you, it might consume him.

You go to the toilet while Loki settles the bill and when you return, you notice that the couple that was once dining comfortably are now so rigid and mute that you can’t help but allow your gaze to travel to your boyfriend, your brow quirking as he takes your hand to lead you out.

You don’t bother to ask because you’re pretty sure you’ve already figured it out.

Admittedly, you were used to it, you had acclimatised to the stolen glances, gotten used to the scowls. Instead, you held your head high, straightened up your back and walked with a little more confidence, hips swaying more enthusiastically than usual; all in an attempt to show just how unbothered you were. Loki was just here to see it now but to him it felt like he was the cause of these problems.

Loki was used to being treated like a burden but with you it seemed the only one treating him like a burden… Was he, himself. He’d asked you once, why you hadn’t left him since he was making your life more difficult. At this you laughed and he braced himself, waiting for the words he’d been dreading the moment he’d courted you but they never came. Instead, you cradled his face in your hands and told him that nobody’s opinion on the two of you could change the way you felt about him, none of their petty thoughts would stop the love you had for him, none of them could even try.

Loki had never been good at reciprocating feelings, the only kindness and warmth he’d ever truly accepted wholeheartedly was that of Frigga. He admits that he is the reason him and Thor’s relationship feels so strained at times, not for his brother’s lack of effort but for his own shortcomings. However, when you hold him in your arms like that, look into his eyes like you are peering into his soul, like he is your whole world; he can’t help the way his heart beats roughly against his chest, the way he leans into your touch.

In this moment, Loki realises he is so, undoubtedly in love with you.

Loki always listened intently to the stories you told him of your childhood— some good, some bad. He was there when you scrolled through social media, finding new stories about a child bullied and a man incarcerated, both on the basis of ethnicity. Loki had been there when you cried yourself to sleep in his arms, the video of a group of white children shouting “You’re not white!” at a little boy as his mother walked him towards another end of the playground, just trying to allow him to play. Loki’s heart broke for you because he felt your body against his, as your sobs turned into whimpers, shivers racking through your body as you struggled to breathe.

Loki had seen you unravel, seen your seems split as you asked why such a child should have to go through such a terrible experience.

Why did Midgardians place such value on the colour of one’s skin? Loki couldn’t understand.

A few hours later and he’s watching as you sit at kitchen island with Sam and Steve, laughing among yourselves as you told them how you had made Tony spill his iced coffee on himself a few minutes ago. He smiles fondly, eyes tracking your hands as they move animatedly throughout the whole narration.

When the day comes to an end, you walk to your room groggily, regretting the decision to read ‘one last chapter’ because that one chapter subsequently turned into six. You barely registered the figure that was already in your bed until it is wrapping its arms around you, causing you to sit up with a start.

“Loki, don’t do that,” you sigh, sliding back into his arms. A hum of approval leaving your lips as you lay your head on his chest, his cold fingers dancing across your back. He feels you smile against him, placing a kiss on his chest and snuggling closer into his side.

He had wanted to bring pain and suffering to the people of Midgard and he had abandoned those desires long ago but sometimes he looked at you and realised he’d do anything to keep you happy, kill anybody that came in the way of your happiness.

It’s when you’re away on a mission with Natasha that he finally has an epiphany.

Loki’s days are now so consumed with you that in your absence he feels misplaced, he gets by though, reading books and sometimes pulling harmless pranks on the rest of the avengers living in the compound.

He’s in front of the mirror when it happens, drying his hair with a towel as he readies himself for the day. He doesn’t know what exactly ignites the thought but he’s looking into the eyes of his reflection and all at once it comes to him. He remembers how much he hated himself after discovering he was a jotunn, how he had wished to have never been born, how much he grew to despise his existence. He thinks about how it was the words he heard growing up, that jotunns were lesser beings, were despicable, unlovable, those words that made him want to throw up whenever he looked at his reflection after finding out his truth.

He thinks back to how he saw midgardians as inferior, how he had treated you, treated the avengers… Anyone that wasn’t Asgardian really. Humans weren’t the only ones focused on appearances and social status and all of the things he’d believed only plagued inferior races, no, it was universal.

Loki, doesn’t tell you of this revelation when you do return but you do take notice of it because the next time you’re on a tirade about how people just can’t let yours have anything, his reply isn’t his usual nod and soothing words but instead a comment on how it’s reproduced generation to generation in a vicious cycle.

You’re on the subway, heading back home after one of Peter’s decathlon thingies, you’re beyond tired, it’s way past late seeing as Tony took it upon himself to have a dinner after and stay even after Peter and his friends left; their curfews looming upon them. It was fun in the moment, laughing with Sam and Clint, making fun of Tony and teasing Bucky. Loki’s hand not once leaving your body, either on your thigh or locking your fingers together. You ended up switching seats with Thor because the longer the dinner went on, the more bold Loki’s gestures became, too bold for public.

Now, you were on the subway, head resting on your boyfriend’s shoulder, giggling as he recounted the dinner from his perspective. The nicknames and exaggerations filling your sleep addled mind with humour. When he finishes, a comfortable silence settles  and you sigh in content.

The seats are empty, except for you and Loki, there are only two other men there. Your friends had left you at the subway station with plans of their own and it makes you wonder what kind of plans ancient relics like Steve and Bucky would have on Saturday night at 12 am. You would never think to be on this line, this late, you had no business doing such and you would have gotten off before you even got on if not for the arm secured around your waist, reassuring you that you would be okay because even if you had fought unspeakable evils in the past- some things were too efficiently socialised into you to forget.

You lazily claw at his blazer pocket, silently asking for your phone, which he has been forced to carry— along with your wallet and lip-balm because it would ‘ruin the fit’. He hands it to you, prompting to you to sit up as you unlock it to show him the pictures you’d secretly taken of him when he had been distracted in a conversation with his brother and bruce.

You almost scream when you notice a man sitting two seats over from you. When did he get there?

“Too bad you can’t speak English as well as you can use one of those, eh?” He asks, mockingly.

“Excuse me?” you reply, incredulously, unable to fully wrap your head around the situation.

“Go back to your country you motherfuckin—”

He never gets to finish his sentence because his body is flung onto the wall. You’re in shock because Loki never uses his telekinesis, deeming it primitive compared to his unrivalled intellect.

You feel his arm lose contact with your body as he stands up, eyes focused as he moves towards the man who is now shaking, stumbling over his words as he attempts to back away.

Loki always listened intently whenever you spoke of the things you had gone through, thinking of them as distant memories, forgetting it was still your reality. Loki is so, undoubtedly in love with you, he’d do anything to keep you happy, kill anybody that came in the way of your happiness.

He’s towering above the man now, a menacing look in his eyes as he speaks.

“I don’t know what makes you think you can take that tone and say such cruel words to the love of my life while I’m sat right there and I certainly don’t know what dastardly ideas have been planted in your head to make you feel as if you are better than people that don’t have the same skin colour as you or the same origin as you but today, I’ll teach you to respect people.”

You  don’t have to see Loki’s face to know he may do something drastic and it’s in that moment you realise he is willing to give up everything for you. You shut your eyes tight as you will yourself to stand up. You will not let him fight your battle for you, you cross the space between you swiftly and it’s then you see the dagger in his hands. You wrap your fingers around his arm, gently pushing him out of your way, he looks uncertain and reluctant but moves to stand behind you anyway.

You start off talking calmly and Loki doesn’t know when exactly you start shouting, he’s not paying attention. He is instead thinking of what he would have done had you not stepped in. Loki has learnt many things by going out with you and it seems that though you are his greatest strength, you are also his biggest weakness.

[maryellencarter]

memed from @camshaft22 , originally an askbox meme but it's short enough that i can just have opinions at all of it rather than waiting to have the free time to get out of the house and answer asks. (i still have at least a few askmeme questions sitting in my inbox from like a month or two ago... :P)

1. do you find force users or non-force users more interesting? -- non-force users by a mile. there could theoretically be exceptions, like if anybody really got deeply into alternate perceptions / interpretations of the force rather than just kind of toeing the jedi party line as established in the movies, but i haven't seen any that really grab me.

2. which character do you want to be most like? -- oh, now there's a hell of a question. both this and the next one, really. see, let's start at the beginning: when i was a very smol tortoise watching a star war, and by smol i mean like eighteen because that's when i first saw a star war... when i was a smol, i wanted to be han solo (not least because he was hot in a very conventionally masculine way, do not underestimate the importance of that to a smol afab tortoise programmed with much body-loathing ;P), but i identified a lot more with chewbacca. i mean, let's be honest, i was not in great psychological shape as a tiny, and this particular oddment is something i'm still very much sorting out, but: from tiny!jt's perspective, at least, han+chewie is a nonromantic primary relationship that gets displaced by the han/leia primary romantic relationship. but it's still (from anything you see onscreen in the ot) primary *to chewie* even after it becomes secondary to han. that kind of nonreciprocal primary relationship, tagging around after someone who would let me express that kind of devotion and not find it creepy even after they inevitably found a "real", romantic relationship that would be more important to them than me, was the best endgame i could imagine for myself, and frankly i felt like it was way too much to hope for within my own species. i may have spent rather a while wishing i was a dog or something, so that it would be acceptable and appropriate for me to want the most important relationship in my life to be nonromantic. tiny!jt was a *mess*. this was way before i got into fandom, so i didn't really work through it at all or write it down anywhere, either.

uh. that got long. continued under the next question.

3. which character are you actually most like? -- so anyway. yeah. to continue. then i found my way into legends (then still the eu but yanno) and the x-wing books. and then there was wes. ^_^ it would be several more years before i even figured out i *had* ptsd, but here was somebody who had ptsd that presented almost exactly like mine but was also stable and functional and not-depressed and in fact actually cheerful. not to mention he was *also* hot and male and most importantly human, but still showed the kind of undemanding loyalty i was aiming towards, and had it accepted.

(which last is partly because wedge is an oblivious noodle, but still. ^_^ honestly that's probably something to analyze when i'm not one-finger typing on my phone: how much of that kind of relationship being a goal for me is just me being wired kind of subby, and how much is the abuse thing where asking for any kind of emotional reciprocation is Wrong and Too Much. :P)

uh. i had a point here somewhere. um. so i wanted to grow up to be wes, but i didn't think that was an attainable goal. i felt sort of more like wedge with the duty and guilt and everything, but wedge is also way more of a leader than i am, so that's a thing. honestly there was a point there where i felt most like cheriss, just kind of... trying to grow up and dealing with a whole bunch of life shit and intermittently wanting to die a lot. ;P

and now apparently i *am* growing up to be wes and i'm still not sure what to do with that, besides writing a lot of fanfic (which is what i am doing). and trying to figure out the whole subby brain thing. and the executive dysfunction thing. and the not wanting leadership positions thing. and still working on the ptsd thing. and the self-esteem thing. there's a lot.

i'm less wedge, though. which is good. less catholic guilt is always nice.

4. what headcanon will you defend to the death? -- er. i'm not really sure i have any of those. as opposed to just canon things i will make sure people remember and acknowledge. maybe the hoth cuddle pile? you will never convince me the rogues on hoth did not sleep in a giant cuddle pile.

5. what planet would you most like to visit? -- i frankly don't know enough about star wars planets to give a shit.

6. what planet would you most like to live on? -- ditto. not taanab, for sure. mini rancors (and possibly 46-hour days if you don't just disdain that as illogical made-up numbers they threw into the planet guide for variety's sake... ;P I have opinions)

7. who do you hope you never meet? -- of the characters? pretty much any of the bad guys, but my first thought is vader.

8. what is one thing you would change about any movie, show, book, etc? -- ahahahahaaaaaaa. just one? i can't pick. can i say fix all the things about tlj that made me go "okay never watching that"? because there were at least four or five just among the spoilers that i heard. like if it had to be just one i'd make it so poe doesn't disregard chain of command, because that's the one that's making it so i can't rewatch tfa *either*, but from everything i hear, that movie was a hot mess. (alternatively, can i just change the fandom so that people stop saying "if you don't love tlj unquestioningly you're a reddit douchebro!"? because i don't want to unfollow roguepod on twitter but unless i block literally everyone *they* follow there's no way for me to keep that particular Hot Take off my dash and it's consistently re-infuriating me. :P)

uh. i have feelings, apparently. ;P

9. have you ever made fanart or fanfic? do you make edits or any other fan content? -- so much fanfic. so much. i counted last night and just the fics i haven't published yet add up to somewhere around 80k words.

10. do you think the jedi were right or wrong? -- i think the jedi were self-important douchenozzles with a habit of being wrong whenever the plot demanded it. is this a reference to something specific they were right or wrong about? i don't think they have the one true view of the force, and i think they're obnoxious about thinking they do, much like many other religions, so there's that.

11. who is the most underrated character? -- new canon, finn. or rose, possibly, not that i've seen her, because see above re hot mess. old canon, hobbie.

12. do you care who rey’s parents are? -- honestly, i'm at the point in dealing with an open canon where i cannot give fuck about any of the unanswered questions, the upcoming releases, or anything that might happen in the future at all. i haven't even read thrawn alliances. i am Over It, and that is about 99% the fault of the people who keep calling me a reddit douchebro by association. i probably won't see epIX unless kat or sophia tells me i absolutely have to. i'm a legends-only fan at this point. i didn't want to be, i like getting excited about new things, but every time i try it, people are douchewaffles and it's depressing. :P

13. if you could resurrect one dead character, or prevent them from dying, who would it be? -- new canon, hobbie. old canon, there are so damn many options, but probably mara or pellaeon.

14. what is your favorite alien species? -- i'm not sure i actually have an opinion. i have lots of favorite alien characters but like... idek. star wars has a bunch of really well designed alien species and they're all cool.

15. who would you like to bang? -- honestly i don't really care about banging any of the characters. shipping them is more fun. although i would let princess general leia step on me, whether in a sexy way or not.

16. which movie/episode have you watched the most? -- probably anh. the falcon's flying sfx aren't as good as in esb, but if you watch esb without rotj it's just a downer, and i don't really enjoy rotj. like it just doesn't click with me.

17. what is your favorite line? -- uh. from the movies, or from all the star war? uh. either way that's a hell of a question. the one i quote the most from the movies is definitely "we're all fine here, how are you?", but that's more just... versatile. from the books, my favorite is obviously one of allston's, but i'm not sure i could *pick*.

18. what is your favorite star wars book or comic? -- starfighters of adumar. because it is the best one. objectively. ^_^

19. what’s your opinion on legends/expanded universe? -- i'm extremely glad it isn't canon anymore (see also my issues with open canons, but also a significant amount of it was just trash) and extremely glad it's still around.

20. what do you hope will happen in future movies? -- i have no hope. hope is dead. i am, as previously mentioned, Over It. (let oscar isaac kiss john boyega onscreen)

21. if you could switch any character’s gender, who would it be and why? -- in canon? no. there's no point in turning a lady character into a dude, and neither the creators nor the fans are capable of handling anyone who's currently a dude being written as a lady or nb type, even if it was retroactive and they'd always been written that way. just no. it would go Badly. :P

that said. in fanfic? and i am so not capable of writing this yet but i want to. in like five years when we're all living in caves scratching our fanfics on bone. i want to see a cis afab wes janson who just hasn't internalized any of those lessons about not taking up space. who's still brash and loud and enthusiastic and flirtatious and just... female. who doesn't feel any need to explain that she doesn't (or does) want kids, or acknowledge anybody else's opinion about how she dresses or who she fucks. who's smart and badass and competent and out to have fun. and like... *pulls hair* i mean you know the trope. a sexy lady character who knows she's sexy will pretty much always at least consider sleeping her way to the top or whatever. (tim zahn, seriously, stop using that trope. it's not edgy.) i want to see lady!wes dressing up all fancy because it's fun and she enjoys having people admire her body, and like just... not even considering ever having sex for any other reason than "i am attracted to that person, i wonder if they'd like to bang". like it's hard to demonstrate a negative but you know if you read a story like that, where it wasn't called out but just there, your brain would go all fidgety and "what the fuck something is not normal here". or at least mine would. but you know? :S apparently i have a lot of feelings about this too. like trying to portray a lady who's that confident and... and undamaged by misogyny, would be a hell of a thing.

22. favorite droid? -- bb-8. the cutest smol. target has a kit to turn a pumpkin into a bb-8 and i swear i'm thinking about getting a funkin to do that to. even though i already have a bb-8 penny bank and a bb-8 lanyard in storage.

23. what’s your favorite star wars musical piece or theme? -- i'm not great at identifying pieces of music so i'm just gonna go with the opening crawl music.

24. how do you pronounce twi’lek? -- i don't. ^_^ more specifically, i do kind of pronounce it in my head when i read, but it's sort of... neither twee-lek nor twye-lek, but something sort of in between that isn't quite a schwa and might involve an umlaut. Sort of Twülek, if you said it with an Austrian accent. That probably doesn't help at all. XD

25. which character do you have a love/hate relationship with? -- This keeps being a question. I'm honestly not sure I *do* love-hate relationships. I'm like Tinkerbell, I only have room for one emotion at a time. ^_^ Especially with fictional characters, I either love them or hate them. (Unless they're completely meh and I just forget about them, that happens sometimes.)

[allthebtdforme-blog]

Work Rant & Tips

So I work with a company called sodexo. They do cleaning and food delivery/cafeteria and maintenance. It FUCKING SUCKS.

I have busted my ass since day one. I’ve been late a lot, but after being warned I got better. Well one day I was late again. So my boss hard core yelled at me. My fault I know but still.

One time we came back to sign out and my supervisor and I were a couple minutes late cuz we needed to make sure everything was good. My boss called us out when we got there then directed it at me saying “you can’t keep holding everyone back” like bitch I wasn’t you weren’t there and you can’t just accuse me.

One time I left my headphones, my pads, and my cleaning mask in my room after hurrying back from lunch. I got PERMISSION to go get them real quick. Then, without her even asking what I was doing, my boss snapped at me and I had to explain. Idek if she really believed me. She knew I had permission and yet she still acted like I just took off.

NOW HERE’S WHERE IT GETS REAL FUCKED

Today I was told I was caught laying down. Well I was confused as fuck because the only time I lay down is to go on break or if I’m climbing under the bed to clean. Apparently someone said I was supposed to be vacuuming but was laying down. I told them I was very confused and was unsure of what they meant. I wanted to tell them that maybe I had sat down for a drink of Gatorade but at that point they had told me my opinion didn’t matter.

Yesterday I had to vacuum, sweep, and mop with a lady. She told me I was doing good but started getting irritated at the end because I wasn’t getting done at her speed. (This lady was strict AF mind you and wanted EVERYTHING her way). My back was KILLING me and yet I worked my ass off. Today, my main boss tells me that she said her experience with me was “terrible”. I laughed because I thought he was joking. He was so mean about it, I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. I was very confused because I’m very good and thorough so I asked what I could’ve done wrong, and he said I “did a terrible job of sweeping and mopping” and “she was trying to get me to do it all day” like bitch I was doing it? How do you fuck up sweeping and mopping? I mean it was still dirty because there were people going up and down the stairs the whole time.

I wasn’t allowed to really express my side much because “everyone else has different opinions of me and my opinion is always different from their stories”. (That’s called them accusing me without asking what/why I’m doing something and it’s also called perspective). I was literally told that “no one wants to work with me anymore so I have one chance left with another woman”. (Thankfully this woman is incredibly kind and helped me calm down when I was full on sobbing hysterically and if she hadn’t I would’ve started screaming and panicking).

I’m being discriminated against not because of race or gender. But because I’m not normal. And because I was late a few times.

First tip: being late opens huge opportunities to you becoming the punching bag.

Second tip: do NOT let your boss know you have mental issues if you can’t trust them for sure. I have cuts on my arm and one time I mentioned I was having a bad day but that I’d be fine, I just wanted them to know in case I started crying or was a bit slower and they turned it into a shit show of contacting the dean and acting like I needed professional help then and there.

I have very bad ADD. I can’t focus a lot of the time, I’m slow, I’m spacey. I’m also a perfectionist. Guard yourself. Because in this world (especially in shitty low paying jobs), no one cares about your feelings. They only care about liabilities and pushing you right before the breaking point. They want as much labor and work out of you as possible. Most bosses will not understand mental disorders. They will not baby you, they will make you their punching bag. And once that ball is rolling, everyone will jump on.

It started with the second rate boss. Then my main supervisor and at least one student. Then the lady I worked with for one day. Then whoever reported me. And now the top boss.

I’m LUCKY I ended up in the hands of someone as kind as my new supervisor. You may not be. Protect yourself. Do not let yourself be crushed. It sucks, but don’t do even the slightest things that could get you in trouble. I try to be a little relaxed at work, otherwise I end up in excruciating pain. But be careful. Do not trust anyone even if they pretend to care. They don’t. When an easy target appears people will shoot before you even have time to react. People will make you their scapegoat so damn fast you’ll be fired before you even realized you were betrayed. I’m not okay. But at the end of this summer. I will quit, never go back, and tell them how horrible they were.

[iced-coffee-jesus]

Bloggers I Want To Know Better

Bloggers I Want To Know Better

Rules: tag blogs you’d like to get to know better. 

Tagged by @overlordofthelollipopguild

I’ve been so bored bless you for tagging me in this.

Nicknames: Misha and IDEK why, ok

Gender: Female

Sign: Taurus 

Height: 5′2 but I've grown a lot so maybe 5′3 now (or almost at least)

Time: 9:35 Eastern

Favorite Bands: ugh. I guess right now Cage the Elephants they’re awesome, but also One Republic always, and the Beach Boys, fight me.

Favorite Solo Artist: Why is this soo hard. I’m tempted to say Harry Styles, solely because he’s a Bicon, but I don’t actually like his music so no. Shawn Mendes is literally always brilliant so I guess him, Ed Sheeran and Kesha. These aren’t ride and die faves, just who I’m currently feeling.

Song Stuck In My Head: Happier by Ed Sheeran, and Wild Things by Allessia Cara

Last Movie I Saw: Zootopia and it was amazing 

Last Show I Watched:  Supernatural, or should I say Scoobynatural

When Did I Create My Blog: ugh, like two years ago, I think?

Last Thing I Googled: I can’t remember what I looked up last, but I know that the last time I used google specifically I looked up “Has a baby ever joined the Navy”, and yes I’m aware of how crazy that sounds.

Do I Have Any Other Blogs: Yes, @sherlock-said-i-love-you and I rarely  post on it since the hell-garbage that was season 4 of Sherlock

Do I Get Asks:  ha no 

Why Did I Choose My URL: It’s a play off of when John says “It is what it is and what it is is shit”, and if it wasn’t so long I'd be completely in love with it

Following: 180, I need more people to follow

Followed By: 192, I need more followers

Average Hours Of Sleep: It’s either 10 or 6 1/2,  depending on the day

Lucky Number: 9

Instruments: I have a harmonica in my dresser somewhere

What I Am Wearing: Olive joggers and a gray long sleeved shirt

Dream Job: If I could paint full time that would be great, but I'd also love to be a film editor or an Astronomer if I was smarter.

Dream Trip: Paris, but honestly right now all I want is the beach.

Favorite Food: Sushi or Chicken wings. Or both. Both is good.

Nationality: American

Favorite Song: Counting Stars: One Republic

Last Book I Read: Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince. Its always good to go back to the classics.

Top 3 Fictional Universes I Wanna Join: Star Trek because omg the space science kills me, I want. Star Wars because I want to choke someone. And Harry Potter because I love it but can’t think of another Fandom i’m in.

I’m tagging @awesomechocolatesauce @brainwithamouth @soxci @theaveragedayofatinygay @intergalactic-dorks and @imjustcryinginthecorner

[childofthrenody]

January 7th, 2020.

8:09pm

Dear Dera,

I’m stuck in my head. 

I feel like there is so much pressure in my chest. Right in the center, and it is just there, all the time now. It’s a lot. I mean, it was a lot in middle school, and the beginning of freshman year. But, idk, it just feels like it’s all *really* fucking hitting me. All the revelations from dad, all the mess of college--applications, acceptances, denials, moving--combined with all the screaming and drinking and fighting and classes and events and this and that and whateverthehell. It’s so much. I feel like I’ve taken a thousand steps backward and I’m going to fall asleep one night and just wake up, back in middle school, back writing these letters and pouring my head and heart out and reading tumblr--making everything worse without knowing it yet--and not knowing what is going to hit me senior year. It should be terrifying, but it’s not nearly as bad as all of this right now. I won’t let myself talk to you anymore, or really anyone, actually. I feel like I let so much out in the past years that I can’t do that to anyone anymore, I can’t let anyone see that shit, have that shit. 

Except, for some reason, except for one of my teachers. You know who I’m talking about. It’s the internet, so I won’t name names, but. God, Dera, honestly, I’ve never met anyone who is more trustworthy. Kind. Caring. Compassionate. I still remember this moment. The important parts of it, at least. I walked into his room, I think. For class or commons or whatever. Probably commons. And, like always, he asked how I am. Calling me by name and everything. And, I was like, eh, I’ve been better, or something like that. And he was like “oh?” or “what’s up?” or something like that, y’know? but more how he would say it, if it makes sense. But- his eyes. It was his eyes. God, Dera Hope, they held so much compassion. So much trust I saw there. I guess eventually I’ll forget that look- but I just remember looking at him and just knowing I could trust him. So much compassion, like he really really really did/does care. I don’t really trust easily anymore, but I feel like he is one of those people you only meet a few times, or maybe only once, in a lifetime. He knows everything. And, I can just t e l l that he cares. And for that I am forever grateful, as Hazel Grace would say.

But, I didn’t come back to this old ass account to write about that. I came back because he suggested to let it all out by writing. Because he does that. Writing or something of the sort. Tbh, it’s kinda sad that I can’t really write on paper without constantly being worried about someone finding it, but the internet is the better option? isn’t the internet supposed to be more connected? Idek. Whatever. Anyway, well, here I am. This is supposed to be to mom. Well. Well, here goes, I guess. 

Mom. What the FUCK. “Can you even hear me? Sometimes I wonder.” That’s a lyric I just heard. I know everything I fucking say goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe, if I’m lucky, you’ll hear it enough to TEXT ME a half assed apology that never comes through.

God, I’m not even really mad. Abs said it was more ‘exhausted’. Which I think is accurate. I’m just...sad. Numb. Hurt. Exhausted. Just, hit with all this shit and I don’t know what to do with it. The sad part is, I don’t even know if I want the drinking and screaming and shit to stop anymore. At least I know it’s coming, rather than guessing. All I want to do is get out. you keep doing the “you hate me, don’t you?” thing, followed by, “well, you’ll come back and love me again in your 20′s,” thing. Fuck that shit. God, I don’t hate you. Obviously I love you. But, god, you make me sad. Really sad. So hurt. Every time I’m around you it just hurts me. And I just, need to get out. To leave. Dad’s yelling and anger issues and shit around the little things is bad too, but somehow throwing salad at me in the middle of a restaurant and passing out drunk 1-2hours after arriving at christmas eve is a *little* worse to me. Just a thought!!! Sigh. It hurts to even go home, y’know? Today at school was even bad. As I told him, I just wanted to scream at everyone. To snap at everyone. I’m completely off my game. And midterms are coming. I”m so off, and I don’t know what to do. I’m talking it out, I’m writing right now. God, I did an english assignment today and I overthought it and it was so shitty. And my in-class midterm essay was so shitty. The only thing that might come out okay is my art still-life. But the written portion is tomorrow and I won’t be able to do it and jesus I just want to cry cry cry cry cry cry cry. CRY. I was so angry today, right? and I wanted to snap at everyone. Anything anyone did, I wanted to fucking SCREAM. Then, then, I talked it out a bit, and I was still so angry, but, but now I just wanted to cry. God, I wanted to cry. And I did. In the car on the way home, I was driving and something small happened or something and I just started sobbing. Not that much, but this sudden horrible thing just ripped out of me. Like I was holding it in all day. I remember wanting to cry sometime in the middle of some class, maybe english idk it seems like it could’ve been, and not being able to. Obviously. Fine, whatever, but that shit NEVER happens in school! that’s middle school level emotional crap! Jesus Christ! Sorry to take His name in vain, but I think He sees what I mean. How far back I’m going. I only random start crying at home when I just need a sob, or around you, mom, when I turn a corner and just need to let my real feelings surface for a second before the mask goes back on to trying not to piss you off. 

God, I try so hard not to piss you off. To be the perfect kid. To stop the little things. I thought I had it together, that I’d realized that I will never be perfectly enough for you. I will never, at least here and now, stop pissing you off and doing the wrong things. Like, yeah, that’s okay. But, god, it’s all going back. I’m stuttering more again. So badly. And of course you hate that! God forbid something different is okay, right? And my thoughts. My thoughts are getting so bad, with my mentality. I have midterms!!!! I have applications, and MAKING IT THROUGH THE YEAR! This isn’t the same as middle school, where I could coast more and it was okay because it didn’t really matter as much, if I remember right. God, I want to go away. So far away. Yes, from you. Okay? Yeah, I said it. I guess dad too, to really see a new place. And I don’t want to come back for holidays and breaks. I know I will have to, at least for some of them. But, ugh. SH asked me today something like, “if you could leave right now and just go to college, would you?” and I was like, 100% yes. Idk 100%, because the whole high school experience and everything, but, god, I want to get away. Half the year is already gone. I want to experience senior year, truly, but I also want prom to come, and graduation, and to have all my acceptances, and the supposedly legendary senior retreat, and all that shit! And to read the letter I wrote sophomore year that’s to my senior self that I’m supposed to forget exists or what it says or whatever. I didn’t, really. Oh well, I guess. I did try.

I think, most of all, I don’t want to lose him. Talking to him. I’ve only known him for like, 4ish months, even though I met him sortof freshman year amist charlie and greg, lol. I remember looking up at him between these two giant seniors and they introduced me and i felt so small and he looked so tall lol, and he was like “hi, I’m [name], I’ll see you senior year!” or “..in a few/four years!” or something like that. Idk, I think expressing it comes across as weird. I want to clarify, I’m NOT like a weird and creepy kid who’s like in love or even anywhere close to that at all. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT, please know that!!!! I’m not even NEAR the same time-zone as that notion. I’m like 5 times zones away from that. But, I just want to keep in touch with someone who really cares, like magistra or mrs c, and stuff. That’s it. Just one of those people it feels like you really want to keep in touch with. Like, I feel like I could visit my high school years from now and he would be totally welcoming. I saw it with past students who visited while I was there. Some a year or two out, some more. He offered to go for coffee with one! Totally rad, chill, normal adult things, y’know? Someone you know, and remember, and could probably invite to like your wedding or something. Idk. Not that I want to get married, but that’s the idea.

Please don’t think of it the wrong way- hence why I’ve never voiced it. I guess it’s the gender thing? Idk. But, all in all, I want to get out, momma. I”m so done with this shit. So done. And it isn’t helping me mentally, physically, or emotionally. I have to exercise ig. Lol. Sigh. You’ve also told me that. I get it, but it hurts. Also, stop fucking touching me. It’s not sexual, but god, leave me the fuck alone! I don’t like being touched! It doesn’t mean i was abused when I was younger or some shit, just leave me alone! Cut out all the“But you’re my kid!’ bullshit, god. I’m not the fucking dog. Sigh.

I’m really sad. I’m really hurt.

Exhausted, as Abs said. Definitely, without-a-doubt, one-hundred-percent exhausted.

Forever Yours,

Camber.