#wait blah blah blah mom said i cant fucking say that

[vertical-dreams]

1.24.24

alright so we tried it girly pop and it hasn't been turning out the way you wanted. so let's work on letting it go. with a list of red flags or whateva. yay!

da guns???? kinda scary. we dk his ability to handle his emotions soooo maybe we dodged a bullet..... pun intended

lord even knows his political views. the way he was trying to blame politicians and bahhhh dere tryna take me guns blaaaaahhh omg shut upppppppp. my mom used to be against it until i taught her about blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhh leave it to men to think they have changed someone by annoying them

he gets aggy? like aggressive, in his general behaviors. likeeeee angry about things that aren't really in his control. the clenched fists and wtevrrrr. maybe a lil toxic masculinity goin on. like he was also kinda show offish like about muscles and height and blah blah. if he is someone who cares about those things....... maybe look elsewhere, love!!!

self admitted sexist??? (ok maybe das a reach but IDC IDC we're getting over it bitch we're moving onnnnnnn we're utilizing the WHOLE INFANTRY IDC IDC)

didn't ask about you v much at all.

didn't reach out (which whateva u didnt either) but then hit you with that "Ok" text after you sent the cute one that you had been PRACTICING and plotting out. dat hurty. can't believe i ever lost sleep over this man lol

when i said "ahh i cant see" because it went from dark to light and he said "you have eyes" ???

and right before that we he had said "well i should get you home" and was up from the chair, down the hallway, porch light on, door open, WAITING FOR ME TO LEAVE before i could even stand up from the chair. lmaofojdsifcanfhiunaeiu

when i tried to say about holding the bridge of your nose for a bleed and he SCOFFED the bitch and said "i think i'm gonna put pressure where it's bleeding" fuck you then you stupid rudolph ass bitch

also who doesn't fukn text ahead of time, now i'm on edge in a bad way

and to dangle marriage in front of someone for what?? nothing, apparently... trying to just get laid? trying to be a dick? who knows. not my fuckin problemmmmmm!!!!! i'm over it

okiiieee i used foul language in this but it was for therapeutic purposes only and i hope to harbor no resentment for anyone. don't need to give up space in my heart for that. love and let go (that was a typo it was supposed to be live but that's kinda cute too)

... AND THE CAT DOESN'T LIKE HIM.

you'll find what is meant for you, my love!!! ❤️

[thoughts-in-brain]

Tw vent ed

I went to a Christmas party on my moms side of the family, they’re the worst people. They’re all skinny so they pick on me and only me even though my whole family is bigger. I got a present from my grandma it was a size medium sweatshirt i wear a 2x. She then had the fucking Audacity to say if i lost weight it would fit, like no. It wouldn’t even if i did loose all this fat i still wouldn’t fit in a medium because im fucking 5’8. I also said no cloths for Christmas. So whatever thats one thing it cant get worse right? Well, color me surprised when i get upstairs to attempt to eat food and she FUCKING TELLS ME I DONT NEED IT. THAT IM FINE WITHOUT IT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT NO ONE FUCKING NO ONE DOES ANYTHING TO HER. I just wanted to eat dinner. They make me hate myself so much more and i still have to just smile and laugh. Because be nice to the elders fuck that.“Oh shes old she doesn’t understand” “blah blah blah” bunch of shitty excuses for her behavior. I was finally doing decent with my ed but im not doing good anymore. Probably wont be able to eat tomorrow either. Im so pissed off at all of them I’ve never done anything but smile and be nice to them. I can’t wait till the old bitches die. I can’t wait till i can go no contact with all of them. Cant fucking wait. On a slightly brighter note i pissed them off, i got this trans flag for Christmas which i tied around my water bottle so i brought it because there homophobic and it worked!! They where so pissed! I even started an agreement when they asked if I knew that this life was a sin, yes i said and they all started yelling at each other. My moms not to happy tho. Got my ass beat for that one but still i would do that again.

[childofthrenody]

January 7th, 2020.

8:09pm

Dear Dera,

I’m stuck in my head. 

I feel like there is so much pressure in my chest. Right in the center, and it is just there, all the time now. It’s a lot. I mean, it was a lot in middle school, and the beginning of freshman year. But, idk, it just feels like it’s all *really* fucking hitting me. All the revelations from dad, all the mess of college--applications, acceptances, denials, moving--combined with all the screaming and drinking and fighting and classes and events and this and that and whateverthehell. It’s so much. I feel like I’ve taken a thousand steps backward and I’m going to fall asleep one night and just wake up, back in middle school, back writing these letters and pouring my head and heart out and reading tumblr--making everything worse without knowing it yet--and not knowing what is going to hit me senior year. It should be terrifying, but it’s not nearly as bad as all of this right now. I won’t let myself talk to you anymore, or really anyone, actually. I feel like I let so much out in the past years that I can’t do that to anyone anymore, I can’t let anyone see that shit, have that shit. 

Except, for some reason, except for one of my teachers. You know who I’m talking about. It’s the internet, so I won’t name names, but. God, Dera, honestly, I’ve never met anyone who is more trustworthy. Kind. Caring. Compassionate. I still remember this moment. The important parts of it, at least. I walked into his room, I think. For class or commons or whatever. Probably commons. And, like always, he asked how I am. Calling me by name and everything. And, I was like, eh, I’ve been better, or something like that. And he was like “oh?” or “what’s up?” or something like that, y’know? but more how he would say it, if it makes sense. But- his eyes. It was his eyes. God, Dera Hope, they held so much compassion. So much trust I saw there. I guess eventually I’ll forget that look- but I just remember looking at him and just knowing I could trust him. So much compassion, like he really really really did/does care. I don’t really trust easily anymore, but I feel like he is one of those people you only meet a few times, or maybe only once, in a lifetime. He knows everything. And, I can just t e l l that he cares. And for that I am forever grateful, as Hazel Grace would say.

But, I didn’t come back to this old ass account to write about that. I came back because he suggested to let it all out by writing. Because he does that. Writing or something of the sort. Tbh, it’s kinda sad that I can’t really write on paper without constantly being worried about someone finding it, but the internet is the better option? isn’t the internet supposed to be more connected? Idek. Whatever. Anyway, well, here I am. This is supposed to be to mom. Well. Well, here goes, I guess. 

Mom. What the FUCK. “Can you even hear me? Sometimes I wonder.” That’s a lyric I just heard. I know everything I fucking say goes in one ear and out the other. Maybe, if I’m lucky, you’ll hear it enough to TEXT ME a half assed apology that never comes through.

God, I’m not even really mad. Abs said it was more ‘exhausted’. Which I think is accurate. I’m just...sad. Numb. Hurt. Exhausted. Just, hit with all this shit and I don’t know what to do with it. The sad part is, I don’t even know if I want the drinking and screaming and shit to stop anymore. At least I know it’s coming, rather than guessing. All I want to do is get out. you keep doing the “you hate me, don’t you?” thing, followed by, “well, you’ll come back and love me again in your 20′s,” thing. Fuck that shit. God, I don’t hate you. Obviously I love you. But, god, you make me sad. Really sad. So hurt. Every time I’m around you it just hurts me. And I just, need to get out. To leave. Dad’s yelling and anger issues and shit around the little things is bad too, but somehow throwing salad at me in the middle of a restaurant and passing out drunk 1-2hours after arriving at christmas eve is a *little* worse to me. Just a thought!!! Sigh. It hurts to even go home, y’know? Today at school was even bad. As I told him, I just wanted to scream at everyone. To snap at everyone. I’m completely off my game. And midterms are coming. I”m so off, and I don’t know what to do. I’m talking it out, I’m writing right now. God, I did an english assignment today and I overthought it and it was so shitty. And my in-class midterm essay was so shitty. The only thing that might come out okay is my art still-life. But the written portion is tomorrow and I won’t be able to do it and jesus I just want to cry cry cry cry cry cry cry. CRY. I was so angry today, right? and I wanted to snap at everyone. Anything anyone did, I wanted to fucking SCREAM. Then, then, I talked it out a bit, and I was still so angry, but, but now I just wanted to cry. God, I wanted to cry. And I did. In the car on the way home, I was driving and something small happened or something and I just started sobbing. Not that much, but this sudden horrible thing just ripped out of me. Like I was holding it in all day. I remember wanting to cry sometime in the middle of some class, maybe english idk it seems like it could’ve been, and not being able to. Obviously. Fine, whatever, but that shit NEVER happens in school! that’s middle school level emotional crap! Jesus Christ! Sorry to take His name in vain, but I think He sees what I mean. How far back I’m going. I only random start crying at home when I just need a sob, or around you, mom, when I turn a corner and just need to let my real feelings surface for a second before the mask goes back on to trying not to piss you off. 

God, I try so hard not to piss you off. To be the perfect kid. To stop the little things. I thought I had it together, that I’d realized that I will never be perfectly enough for you. I will never, at least here and now, stop pissing you off and doing the wrong things. Like, yeah, that’s okay. But, god, it’s all going back. I’m stuttering more again. So badly. And of course you hate that! God forbid something different is okay, right? And my thoughts. My thoughts are getting so bad, with my mentality. I have midterms!!!! I have applications, and MAKING IT THROUGH THE YEAR! This isn’t the same as middle school, where I could coast more and it was okay because it didn’t really matter as much, if I remember right. God, I want to go away. So far away. Yes, from you. Okay? Yeah, I said it. I guess dad too, to really see a new place. And I don’t want to come back for holidays and breaks. I know I will have to, at least for some of them. But, ugh. SH asked me today something like, “if you could leave right now and just go to college, would you?” and I was like, 100% yes. Idk 100%, because the whole high school experience and everything, but, god, I want to get away. Half the year is already gone. I want to experience senior year, truly, but I also want prom to come, and graduation, and to have all my acceptances, and the supposedly legendary senior retreat, and all that shit! And to read the letter I wrote sophomore year that’s to my senior self that I’m supposed to forget exists or what it says or whatever. I didn’t, really. Oh well, I guess. I did try.

I think, most of all, I don’t want to lose him. Talking to him. I’ve only known him for like, 4ish months, even though I met him sortof freshman year amist charlie and greg, lol. I remember looking up at him between these two giant seniors and they introduced me and i felt so small and he looked so tall lol, and he was like “hi, I’m [name], I’ll see you senior year!” or “..in a few/four years!” or something like that. Idk, I think expressing it comes across as weird. I want to clarify, I’m NOT like a weird and creepy kid who’s like in love or even anywhere close to that at all. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT, please know that!!!! I’m not even NEAR the same time-zone as that notion. I’m like 5 times zones away from that. But, I just want to keep in touch with someone who really cares, like magistra or mrs c, and stuff. That’s it. Just one of those people it feels like you really want to keep in touch with. Like, I feel like I could visit my high school years from now and he would be totally welcoming. I saw it with past students who visited while I was there. Some a year or two out, some more. He offered to go for coffee with one! Totally rad, chill, normal adult things, y’know? Someone you know, and remember, and could probably invite to like your wedding or something. Idk. Not that I want to get married, but that’s the idea.

Please don’t think of it the wrong way- hence why I’ve never voiced it. I guess it’s the gender thing? Idk. But, all in all, I want to get out, momma. I”m so done with this shit. So done. And it isn’t helping me mentally, physically, or emotionally. I have to exercise ig. Lol. Sigh. You’ve also told me that. I get it, but it hurts. Also, stop fucking touching me. It’s not sexual, but god, leave me the fuck alone! I don’t like being touched! It doesn’t mean i was abused when I was younger or some shit, just leave me alone! Cut out all the“But you’re my kid!’ bullshit, god. I’m not the fucking dog. Sigh.

I’m really sad. I’m really hurt.

Exhausted, as Abs said. Definitely, without-a-doubt, one-hundred-percent exhausted.

Forever Yours,

Camber.

[uncanny-tranny]

hey, i know you get a lot of asks but i wondered if hou had any like, light you coukd shine on a situation im going through:

im trans. a genderfuck, a transsexual, blah ect. one of my sister's is trans too and she came out to my parents a bit back. i havent reallg come out. like, my mom knows im trans too but i never talk to her about it and she never asks. im not doing well for a lot of reasons but one of them is that i feel like ill be stuck living with my parents forever as a disabled kid and also my older brother is a transphobic ass and he's allowed to say whatever the fuck he wants. my mom will even agree with him sometimes even tho she claims thats just becaus she feeks she has to support him too, even if she thinks hes going down the wrong path.

to make a long story shorter, my older sister thinks i should be direct with my mom, tell her im trans, let her ask questions and shit, because my sister believes my mom woukd love to support me and im being an idiot for defining my relationshio with my mom around my brother.

but its not just that. like my ass of a brother is part of the issue but also my mom has said transphobic shit to me for ye ars way before she knew i was trans and its?? just. when my sister came out she told me how she wished my sister had waited longer and how it was so exhausting figuring things out and hos she wished my sister wasnts trans because things were going to be si hard and i LOVE being trans and i dont want to feel like my gender is just another burden on my plate. like my mom treats me more like im her therapist than her child half the time and i CANT do it. i dont want to talk to jer about my transness, i dont want to "officially" come out even if i am doing shitt on my own. its better than i was constantly around her. i dunno. am i being an ass??? or like overreacting? shoukd i just suck it up and talk with my mom?

You absolutely don't have to talk to her about this, and it's really concerning how you're being treated. I'm really truly sorry, it's fucking tough. Ultimately, it does make sense why you wouldn't talk to her about this, and I don't think it's an overreaction to see that your brother's behaviour is tolerated, I can see how you'd play it safe and assume that that tolerance is a reflection on how your mother feels.

However, please take care of yourself. You don't owe it to your family to bear your heart and soul if you aren't ready, but you owe it to yourself to do what it takes to be able to get through this. It's hard, and I hope nobody downplays how difficult it is to be in that place. But please don't believe that you deserve this, if you think so. It's easy to fall into the trap that how you're treated is how you deserve to be treated, but that's not true. I hope your family can learn to grow, but they shouldn't learn to grow at the expense of you, if that makes sense.

You're entitled to not discussing this, and it sounds like you don't want to, no? That's completely fine and not only fine but understandable. Your transness doesn't depend on your family accepting, understanding, or knowing about it. You'll always have and be entitled to a place in this community, if you'd like it. I'm really proud of you

[lizandbo]

You turn into cats - bnha bois

Ok so everyone does “they turn into cats“ but I really like us turning into cats so IM GONNA DO IT :)

Also they’re maybe a part 2 but idk cuz moving sucks

bakugo

- doesnt know much about animals, (becuase of that one ting about Bakugo and deku are alone cuz of the punishment from aizawa, and then a bunny went into the dorms or some Shit idk)

- but ANYWAY, hell just look at you, but doesnt know its you

- he’s super confused of as why there is a cat in the dorm so he just assumes that it’s a stray that got in since there is no collar

- but wait how did it get pass the security and doors...BUT ANYWAY

- but your (y/h) colored fur was pretty obvious but he didn’t think much of it becuase it’s only a god damn cat

- but once someone (prolly Kaminari) said It kinda looked and acted like you he probably decided and thought it was you...but in cat form

- so when your meowing like the whole world is gonna end up to the black hole to him he mayyyy kick you

- or most likely a nudge to get out of his way

- this kind needs his space ok?

- but yo trying TO TELL HIM ITS you

- but this crackhead doesn’t get it

- but once ya know someone said it’s acted and looked like you and shit, he looked at you... and prolly night that it was you so he was trying to talk to you once he got his hands on you

- that sounded a bit weird but ok

- But you two were in private in his dorm so he was trying to talk to you like you can talk back:/

- and when you only meow at him he shook you (not harshly) but enough to make you meow the shit out of yourself

- he got pretty angry so he’s just trying to figure at all the possible ways to make you to tell him that it’s you

- but at the same time he’s pretty happy with his assumption

- so next up he’s trying to write to you in pencil that question of if it’s really you

- your just like ya know... like htf are you gonna get your tiny ass paws ONTO THE FUCKING PEN and actually write

- but at this point your threw the pencil out of the way with your mouth and pointy teeth and looked at him seriously and said

- meow.

- AND THE CASE IS CLOSED

- your his and he’s yours now becuase he’s just assuming that it’s you

- even tho ya know he’s been trying to for the last 30 mins

- wont really cuddle but if you ask- I mean just lay ontoop of him, he’ll complain but won’t physically remove you

- just one cat and one human:)

- will be impressed by him own self becuase he was right on you being the cat even though it was quite obvious

midoriya

- ok, he was so worried becuase you both planned out a date and he was there but...you weren’t

- he thought that something happend to you of course

- ya know protective boyfie alert

- so he went into the dorms after let’s say an hour at the place where your date was

- and he also texted you but ya know with you and your little cat paws you couldn’t do jack shit

- so you were like ya know hanging out in his dorm, even though you know that your supposed to be at the date with izuku you kinda just went with the easier path

- but izuku really turned worried (liek his mom) and yelled once he ran walked into the dorms and totally not breaking the door while slamming it open

- boi be really worried

- yelling “DO YOU KNOW WHERE Y/N IS?!?”

- and everyone is kinda just like “turned into a cat bro chill“

- and then he felt stupid afterwards but it be will be finee

- you were curling up into a ball (I really wanna know what that feels like being a cat) but then izuku is like

-“ you were here the whole damn time?”

- and proceeded to squeeze you out of relief while murmuring apologizes and thankyouz that your here and not hurt

- but he’s just like for a second afterwards “waitttt...YOUR A CAT?!”

- but it’s funny cuz ya cant talk at all and can only meow

- he prolly muttering about how you were hit by a quirk

- and then just continues to cuddle you

- complement? Hell yeah

- ya know how he was in a apartment blah blah blay with his mother yes yes ok

- so he didn’t have a pet for all his life since he’s been in the same exact apartment since he was 4

- hes magic

- but yeah so he be like kinda like this but he isn’t a dog

- hell feed you n shit

- will prolly feed you human food cuz who the hell has pet food?

- welll... I mean except for koda, he has a bunny for bunny food anyways

- be kinda sad once you leave your cat form

[brelione]

Love and Hate (The Best Boys)

dude come on. you said you’d upload the next chapter on christmas and now it’s been a whole week after and it’s still not out. :(, hi! when are you posting the next chapter of tbb??, tbb????, Are you posting the next chapter of best boys soon? I miss her, when will you be posting the next part of the best boys series??, Ok I’m over TBB I’m just gonna say she ends up with Blah Blah and they live happily ever after, the end. Thank you for the amazing read, it has been fun❤️, TBB is literally the last series I have to finish before I can finally peace out of the shithole that is the OBX fandom for good but like no rush or anything baby❤️,When do you think you’ll be posting the last chapters of TBB?, Hey queen how’s the writing for best boys going, 

Series Masterlist

SHES HEREEEE

Yes, im aware this chapter is all over the place. I went through writing four different versions of this chapter and this is the one that I decided to go with. I know that this one is kind of a little ahfioshviowenvionae but it all comes together next chapter (I already started writing the next chapter). Im so sorry that this is so late. I’ve been having issues for a little bit. My grandfather and my dog passed away and I recently had a relapse and I think that’s why it was taking me so long. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter <3

Warnings:Nothing really, swearing and unedited. Also im sorry if you dont like this chapter but like....yeah.

You were awoken to the sounds of screaming.Topper ended up at the foot of the bed, Kelce still clinging onto you.Rafe was absent from his spot but the mattress was still warm and had a slight dent which let you know that he hadnt been gone long.

You had spent most of the night trying to find the perfect spot on the mattress, one arm thrown over kelce and your heel against the back of Toppers thigh.It seemed like it hadnt been a super long time since the sun had risen which meant that it was probably around seven in the morning by now.

Your heart was thumping in your chest, trying to pay attention to what the voices were shouting.Something about a mess and irresponsibility but you couldnt hear much besides that.Rafe stomped up the stairs, opening his door.He was shirtless, face red from yelling and his eyes slightly watery.You sat up, making Kelce grumble.

 Rafe’s jaw was slightly dropped, his nose beginning to run and his body trembling.“Hey, what happened?”You asked, gaining Kelce’s attention.Topper’s eyes opened slightly, looking over at Rafe.The tall boy didnt say anything, he just dragged his feet across the room and sat back on the bed, mumbling.You were hesitant to grip his hand, squeezing lightly.

He just stared at a wrinkle in the blanket but the sound of something breaking downstairs told you that it had been more than just bickering.Kelce was worried, knowing that his parents had gotten home late last night and would see the mess he had created. “He doesnt want me living here anymore.”Rafe spoke up, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.

You pulled him closer to you, arms around his shoulders as he sobbed, your fingers rubbing against the back of his neck.He squeezed you tightly when he head footsteps coming up the stairs, silently praying to any god that would listen that it wouldnt be Ward.Kelce’s phone kept buzzing but he ignored it, knowing exactly what it was.

He knew that it was coming and he would be lying if he said that he didnt expect it, nervous the whole night as he waited for his phone to blow up.“What are you gonna do?”Topper asked.As much as you wanted to scold him for asking that when Rafe clearly didnt want to talk about it it was still something that you had also been wondering.

Rafe didnt answer, taking in a deep, shaky breath that hurt his ribs before picking up his head and looking over to his friend. “I dont know.”He admitted.His voice hurt your heart, the realisation kicking in that there wasnt really many places that he could go.

Kelce’s phone buzzed again, all of your eyes falling on him.He sighed, glancing at his screen.He had missed calls from his parents, dozens of text in all caps telling him to come home immediately. “They found the door.”He replied, keeping his voice calm.A new wave of silence washed over the room, not knowing what to say to that.

Your eyes watered as you remembered how simple life was a few weeks ago, all of you eating breakfast, watching criminal minds and laughing as Topper recorded it all on his snapchat.Now everything was completely falling apart.You didnt say anything, trying to think of a solution.Rafe couldnt go to Kelce’s house or Topper’s house since Topper’s mother had one of those security cameras outside of her home and she’d recognize him immediately.

She was still pissy about Topper’s accident, she’d explode if he let friends over. “SO what happens now?”Topper asked.You were all out of ideas.A simple drive or icecream or a movie couldnt solve any of this. “I mean...think about it.We’re adults, right?Child protective services cant stop us if we leave.”Kelce muttered.Rafe nodded, snapping his fingers.

 “Yeah, yeah!You’re right.”He agreed, causing your eyes to widen.They were acting insane. They couldnt be serious about just getting up and leaving forever, right? “No, no hes not.We cant just-we cant just leave!”You exclaimed.They were actually going crazy.How could they even think like that? “Why?What do you have here, (Y/N)?”He asked.You paused, thinking about it.

You didnt really have anything.You had your house of course but other than that you had nothing but memories and your boys.You didnt want to admit that he was right, letting out a quiet sigh. “But leaving forever isnt the answer.”You muttered.Rafe rubbed your back, shaking his head. “Doesnt have to be forever, baby.”He answered. 

“But- but just cause we arent kids doesnt mean we cant be registered as missing people.They’ll come after us.”You told them.You knew that nobody outside of this room actually cared about you enough to report you as missing but you were scrambling through your thoughts, desperately hunting for a reason to stay on the shitty island that you had learned to love so much.Topper shrugged, not really caring. 

“Guys, guys. Okay, look. You’re all fucked, ill admit it. But thats fine! Are you guys forgetting that I still have a house- you guys can just stay there until this whole thing blows over just like you always have!”You reminded them, hoping they’d agree. “This isnt gonna blow over, (Y/N). I cant come back here.”Rafe told you, becoming aggravated. 

“THEN MOVE IN! All of you guys, you can just move in, okay? You dont have to leave- I still have my moms money! We’ll figure it out as we go and…. And it’ll be fine.”You insisted. “Move in with you?”Rafe asked. You nodded, wiping your nose. “You practically live with me already, it wont be that different.”You told him, gripping his hand.

 It was a messy blur as Rafe packed his things, grabbing anything that he thought could be important. A photo of his mother, his birth certificate and diploma, laptop and ipad, the Frozen ll record. Kelce and Topper just watched, neither of them ready for anything like this so early in the morning. 

Maybe if you werent so tired and upset you wouldnt have said it, but here you were in Rafe’s truck, a dufflebag full of his things at your feet with the boys in the backseat as he drove to your house, a few tears rolling down his cheeks as the thoughts finally took over his brain. Kelce had got aggravated and shut down his phone entirely, staring out the window. 

The last thing you were expecting was to come down your road only to see a car that was practically falling apart already in your driveway, a tall man with his hands over his forehead as he tried to look in your windows. “What the fuck….”Rafe muttered, reaching for the door handle when you gripped his hand. “Dont, we dont know what he’s doing.”You told him, hoping he’d listen.

 Turns out he wasnt the one you had to worry about, Kelce swinging his door open and sprinting up your driveway before anyone could even stop him. Wherever Kelce went Topper went, the boy struggling to get the seatbelt over his cast before jumping out of the truck and nearly falling into a puddle. “ESCUSE ME! MR SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING LOOKING IN MY HOUSE?”Kelce shouted, purposely making his voice deeper.

 The man turned, confused as to why two half asleep teenage boys were walking towards him. “Your house?”The man asked. “Yes, sir. You ever heard of a gay couple before?”Topper asked, making Kelce break character for a moment. 

“Well, no, its not that. Its just that I thought this was someone elses house.”The man muttered, confused. You had slid down your seat, hoping that the man wouldnt see you. “He’s about to leave.”Rafe whispered. 

“Who’s the other guy in the car?”The man asked, pointing to Rafe’s figure. Kelce glanced over at Topper with wide eyes, trying to think. “Our son.”Kelce replied, cringing the moment he said it. The man only looked more confused, looking between the two boys. “How old are you guys?”The man asked, clearly not buying their story. 

“Excuse me? Are you saying that we’re too old to have a son? I did not spend years training for a medical degreee to have some random old man come and tell us how old our son can be!”Topper exclaimed.  “I didnt spend years trying to find a surrogate and figuring out a way to make a robot nanny for this!”He sighed, trying his best not to smile.

“Could you please leave the property before we call the police?”Kelce asked. The man was beyond confused at this point, quickly making his way to his shitty car before slowly backing out of the driveway, eyes still scanning the area before he gave up and went down the street. 

You let out a sigh of relief, moving to get up when Rafe placed his hand on top of your head to keep you down. “Hes coming around again.”He whispered to you, taking in a shaky breath and holding it in his lungs as the car passed a second time. Topper and Kelce were standing by the door, staring at Rafe almost as telling him to get out and make a run for it.

 “Open the door in 3...2…”You didnt wait, jumping out and running towards the house, typing in the key pad as quick as you could, Topper’s hand pushing you inside. “Here he comes again!”He exclaimed, coming in right behind you along with the others before Rafe slammed the door shut and locked it, letting out a laugh.

 “Oh god, that was scary.”He chuckled. Kelce and Topper nodded as well, eventually laughing. “Was that my dad?”You asked. “Maybe.”Topper answered. Now that you thought about it, your dad didnt same important. Nothing did. You lived on a huge rock that’s floating around space and you’re concerned about your dad when your boyfriends best friends are moving in.

 “What’d you tell him?”You asked. “We told him that we’re a gay couple, Topper’s a doctor and Rafe is our child.”Kelce replied. You giggled, snorting. “I mean, as you should.”You replied. “Hell yeah.”Kelce grinned. Topper tapped at his arm. “Bro, you wanna get married?”Topper asked. Kelce laughed again, nodding.

 “I’ll get baptised and get you guys married!”Rafe volunteered, all of you turning to look at him. “Did you just say baptised?”Kelce asked. Rafe nodded, eyebrows furrowing. “Is that not the right word?”He asked. Topper shook his head. “The word is ordained.”He informed the tall boy. “He’s trying his best.”You replied, sitting down on the chair that you werent used to sitting in. 

“You think he’s gonna come back?”You asked. Topper groaned, sitting down. “Well, I hope not. I dont want my husband and I to have to fight him.”He grinned. You rolled your eyes, changing positions in the chair. “Did he look like me?”You asked, leaning your head against the arm rest, groaning when Rafe pushed your legs aside and sat down with you.

 “Not really… he had rat tails for eyebrows.”Kelce replied, putting his fingers over his eyebrows. “Do I have rat tail eyebrows?”You asked, grinning when Rafe reached forward and poked your eyebrow, a chuckle slipping past his lips. “You wish.”He replied. “Fuck off.”You answered. “Dont be fucking rude.”He grinned, kissing you quickly before pulling away with a small smile. 

You were shocked, trying to hide your surprise. It wasnt like you werent used to kissing Rafe by now, it was just that he had never done it in front of the boys before. They looked nearly as confused as you, the thought of Rafe kissing you in front of them never even being a concern until now. They were used to him getting most of your love and attention but that had just stirred something within them. 

“So how are we gonna do this? I dont know about you guys but im not going back to my house anytime soon.”Kelce announced. Rafe lifted his head, looking over to the boy. “You could always sneak in your own window to grab your things...maybe wait until theyre at work. What about you, Top?”Rafe asked, turning his attention to the blonde boy. 

“What do I have at my house that I need? Like, really need.”He asked, grinning when none of you could answer. “Problem solved.”He replied. “What time is it?”Rafe asked, breaking the silence. “Ten.”Kelce replied, closing his eyes as he leaned against the couch. “Im going upstairs to take a nap then.”Topper yawned, slowly making his way down the hall into the first floor guest room. 

It was arguably the worst since it also worked as your moms office, a queen bed pushed into the corner. You wiggled out of Rafe’s grip, smiling when he whined. You went into the kitchen, grabbing a poptart. For the situation you felt rather calm, opening the silver package and taking a bite of one of the sweet pastries. 

The energy in the house felt different than it had yesterday. You werent sure why, maybe it was just the comfort of knowing that the boys were going to be living with you now and you wouldnt have to worry as much about Rafe or Topper’s relationship with his mom. 

“So how are we gonna handle this?”Kelce asked, confusing you. “The house, I mean. You have this whole house and like...30 million dollars. We can literally redecorate however we want, maybe even clean out your moms office if youre okay with it.”He suggested. 

You nodded, the idea of getting the memory of your mother cleansed from your life sounded appealing. His excitement took over as he opened his amazon prime app, looking for new decor. “How do you feel about your moms room?”He asked, not wanting to push your limits. You shrugged, swallowing part of the pastry. “Shes not using it.”You replied, surprised by how morbid you sounded. 

He simply nodded, shifting in his seat as he added things to his cart. “Can we redo your room? It’s been the same color since we were fourteen.”Rafe suggested. You shrugged, not really caring. You didnt spend a large amount of time in your bedroom anyways. You scrolled through your phone for a few minutes, seeing a little red bubble next to your messaging app that let you know that you had gotten a text. Curious, you opened it. 

As soon as you saw who it was a pit grew in your stomach, eyes widening. It was her. “Sweet words, (Y/N).”The text read. You knew that it was your uncle just trying to mess with you but it still caused your anxiety to skyrocket, deciding to block the number and place your phone between your thighs, taking in a deep breath through your nose. 

Topper dragged his feet, coming out of the room with a frown. “That’s the most uncomfortable bed in all of history.”He muttered, sitting down on the couch instead. “You can go upstairs.’You reminded him, feeling your phone buzz against your inner thigh. 

He just hummed, leaning his head against the back of the couch. “How long was I in there?”He asked. “Literally not even ten minutes.”Kelce replied, still scrolling. “Did I miss anything?”Topper asked. You didnt reply, breaking off another piece of the poptart. “We’re gonna redecorate the house.”Kelce answered. Topper nodded, lifting his head.

 “Does that mean that office too?”Topper asked. You nodded, staring at a spot on your carpet. “Does that mean we get to open the file cabinet in the guest room?”He asked, all of you looking over at him. The thought made you feel nauseous. Even if she wasnt here to yell at you you knew that opening the file cabinet would still scare you anyways. 

“If theres a dead body in there I swear to god-”You muttered, earning a chuckle from Rafe. “A body couldnt fit in there.”he replied, making your eyebrows furrow. “How do you know where bodies can fit?”You asked. “No, no. Like, its not….well...maybe a raccoon body.”He admitted. “Rafe!”You exclaimed, smacking his thigh. 

He rolled his eyes, pulling you into his lap. “There’s no raccoon body.”He answered. “I think theres a raccoon body.”Kelce replied. “Theres not.”You answered. Topper grinned, skipping into the room and beginning to open the cabinet, the three of you following him. “Okay, who votes raccoon body?”He asked, his hand on the knob. 

Kelce raised his hand, grabbing your arm to make you hold your hand up as well. “Ready?”Topper asked before pulling the door open, looking into it. His face fell immediately, not expecting this. “What?”You asked, stepping past Kelce and looking into the cabinet.Guns were being held by small metal pieces, multiple clear bags full of plants and needles on the floor, bullets on sashes hanging with the guns.

 The two of you just stared, ignoring Rafe and Kelce until they came up behind you, equally as confused. “What the fuck?”Rafe asked, seeing the bags. Kelce slammed the doors shut, locking it. “We’re not telling anyone about this, right?”He asked, looking at all of you. “What are we gonna do with all that? We cant just keep it here!”Topper argued. 

Rafe shrugged, resting his elbow on your shoulder. “We smoke the weed and throw the guns in the river, obviously.”Rafe answered. “We’re not smoking weed, Rafe.”You answered. “Well your mom didnt have a liscense to carry, right?”Kelce asked. You shook your head, figuring it would be hung up somewhere in the house to remind you of the power she had.

 “Right, okay. So we cant call the cops and we cant keep it here.”Kelce answered, clicking the lock on the cabinet. “What’d your mom even do for a living?”Topper asked. You frowned, thinking back. You never really knew what your mother did, you just stayed quiet and hoped you wouldnt make her angry. She’d disappear for months, money would appear in your bank account, she’d pay the bills aned thats all you needed to know. 

She’d have long phone calls with people in her office, grounding you if you even dared to listen. “I dont know.”You replied, cringing at how stupid you sounded. “She has these cabinets all over the house, doesnt she?”Kelce asked. “The one in her room is actual files.”You told him, hoping that there were no sorts of hidden things in her room.

 “Should we go check?” Rafe asked, out of the room with a grin before any of you could even answer. You sighed, slightly annoyed that he was treating this like a scavenger hunt. “Its been here this whole time, im sure nothings gonna happen.”Kelce assured you, patting you on the shoulder before his fingers tickled your arm and wrist, gripping your hand and bringing you upstairs. 

“I ordered some tapestries, succulents, fake vines and some new blankets for our new movie room.”He told you, nearly slipping up. “Movie room?”You asked, nearly slipping on the stairs. “Your mom has a big tv, I figured it could be like a second living room if you’re comfortable with that.”He answered, pausing at the top of the stairs so he could wait for you. 

Rafe was in your mother’s room, carefully pulling on the drawers, eventually finding out that the top one was locked. He looked over at you, silently asking if you knew where the key was. You shook your head, letting go of Kelce’s hand and opening the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up. 

Your mother kept most of your medical documents and anything like that to herself along with basically everything that proved you existed. Baby photos, ultra sounds, old school tests. “We could just move it into the other guest room.”Rafe muttered, hoping he wasnt making you upset. You ignored him, looking through all the little colored tags, your eyes falling on a silver tag, your eyebrows furrowing. No other ones had that color. 

You picked it up, sitting down and reading it over. The words were all bundled together, ink scratches and smudges told you that it wasnt a serious document. The only word you could make out was ‘arsonist’. Nothing else was eligible. “Can we take it right now?”You asked, placing the paper on the floor and closing the drawer. Rafe nodded, Kelce grabbing one side while Rafe grabbed the other. Topper grinned, leaning against your mothers unused desk.

 “I would help but my arms broken.”he laughed, watching as Kelce struggled, walking backwards. “Some moral support would be great.”Kelce rolled his eyes. You grinned, slowly clapping. “Great job, guys. You’re doing great moving that illegal file cabinet.”You held back a laugh. They turned carefully, shuffling as they eventually got to the guest bedroom.

 “How do you feel about this?”Topper asked, sitting down on the chair. You sighed, shrugging. “I mean, you know. Its not that I dont love the idea of you guys being here but like… its the circumstances.”You answered, sighing when he pulled you closer with his good arm, rubbing your back. “Thanks a lot for this, though. Like in all seriousness im really grateful that you’re in my life.”He blushed, looking up at you. You smiled, kissing his nose lightly.

 “I mean, I do provide you with half of the drama in your life.”You giggled, kissing him gently. “Where does the other half come from?”He asked. You shrugged, sighing. “Probably you.”You answered. “I cant believe you’d say that to me! You know im at a bad place in life and you put me in this terrible situation when you know that!”He fake cried, bursting into laughter. 

“Kourtney dont laugh at me!”You exclaimed. You felt a vibration under your feet, hearing a loud, dramatic sigh and the sound of skin colliding. They had successfully moved the file cabinet, the door closing as their loud footsteps hit the floor as they entered your mother’s room again. Rafe took a moment to look around, sometimes forgetting that the room even existed. 

It was the biggest room in the house, the ceiling going up at least twenty feet with only glass separating the room from the outside world. His mind wandered, thinking of all the fun nights the two of you could have in here watching the stars or listening to the rain.

 The bed was large and still, the blankets and sheets unwrinkled and untouched. He understood why you were creeped out by the house now, feeling like he didnt belong in the room. You all took turns trying to figure out what the writing said, eventually deciding that it probably wasnt even in english. “Should we put it through google translate?”Rafe asked, staring at the paper. 

Kelce shook his head. “Nah, its not reliable. I tried using it for spanish class in freshman year and I got detention.”He replied. “Well thats definitely not spanish. Maybe its like…. Ancient text.”Topper suggested, causing you to frown. “I highly doubt that my mother would know an ancient text. 

Maybe we should just leave it.”You answered. Although you werent exactly satisfied with it you just didnt feel like spending your time trying to decode a random paper. They didnt seem satisfied either but didnt want to push you, putting the paper down on the desk where it would be safe from your footsteps. 

Of course the boys just couldnt stay at the same place for long periods of time, deciding to suggest that you guys go out to a store to get some paint for the boring walls. You agreed, the four of you getting into your car instead of Rafe’s truck, locking all the doors and windows before you left. 

Kelce didnt suggest a McDonalds run which caused you to frown, knowing that he was probably too stressed to want to eat. You guys went into Walmart with one goal, heading right for the paint section and looking at the wall of colors. “Lets get four colors and kind of just make it up as we go.”Kelce muttered, looking at all the different shades.

 “We could all pick one out.”Topper suggested, reaching forward and picking a bright green. You agreed, picking a shade of light purple, watching as Kelce picked the color toffee biscuits and Rafe went for cotton blue. You doubted any of the colors would actually look good together but that wasnt the point of the project. 

It was more about making the room look fun rather than nice. Kelce grabbed a few large paint brushes, the four of you leaving before you could get distracted by anything that you didnt need. Topper decided to get right to work, spilling some paint on the floor as he dragged the brush along the wall, creating bright stripes.

 “I have an artistic vision! Trust the process!”He exclaimed, feeling your judgemental eyes on him. You didnt say anything, watching Kelce struggle to connect his phone to your speaker, playing the first song on his playlist. 

Line without a hook. Topper looked over at you, almost like he was silently asking you if you had told the boys about his top secret playlist. You shrugged, not wanting to give anything away to the others.

 “Oh my god, I love this song.”Rafe dunked his brush in the light blue, making a smiley face on the wall. “Can I paint an onion?”He asked. You raised your eyebrows, not understanding why he wanted to put an onion on the wall. 

“Ogres are like onions! We have layers!”Kelce laughed. “Who is we? Are you an ogre, Kelce?”Topper asked, not taking his eyes off of the bright stripes, painting a circle on the top. “Topper Harry Katherine Thornton, are you painting a penis on my wall?”You asked, connecting the dots. 

He grinned, ignoring you. “Of course not.”He replied, painting frantically so that you couldnt stop him, green drops rolling down the wall. You picked up your paint brush, painting two circles quicklly before pushing the brush into the center of each, laughing to yourself.

 “Guys, really?”Rafe asked. “Cant we make the wall wholesome?”He asked. You shook your head, a smile on your face. “Says you of all people, Rafe.”You shook your head. “She got you there.”Topper replied, dragging the brush across the painting and blending it out so there was no longer a penis on your wall. 

“What are you doing now?”You asked, wanting to one up him. “What are you doing now?” He mocked you. Somehow you ended up splashing Topper with paint and getting tackled into the mattress as he held the paintbrush over you, trying to get the bright green liquid on your face while you held his arm back. 

“Im gonna murder you!”You laughed, rolling over under him so your face was against the mattress. “Im gonna paint your hair!”He laughed, holding the brush just above it. “Topper, dont mess with her hair.”Kelce took the brush away. 

Topper groaned, falling next to you on the mattress. His eyes were closed, the sun from the window casting a beautiful glow over his face, a small smile tugging at the side of his mouth. You pressed a kiss to his cheekbone, your arm resting on his torso. 

It didnt take long for painting to be forgotten, a few cheap bristles sticking to the wall with messes of colorful lines and unfilled shapes. The song changed, followed by a loud gasp from Rafe. “This is my favorite song!”He smiled, hitting his knees with his fists repeatedly. 

He didnt know what about it made him so happy, whenever he heard it it reminded him of you guys. “You know what we should do?”Topper asked. “No.”Kelce replied while Rafe rewinded the song to listen to his favorite part again. 

“We should make soup. Like, spicy soup with potatoes.”He replied, mouth watering. “We could just order soup.”Kelce replied, not in the mood to go downstairs and hunt for ingredients. “Order soup from where?”Topper asked. Kelce simply shrugged, shifting around and putting his arms under his body.

That had been a week ago. Since then a lot had happened. You guys had developed a system, Kelce could do his laundry on Saturdays, Rafe on Mondays and Topper’s just got mixed in with yours.

 It was a love and hate relationship to have them there with you. You didnt regret your decision but sometimes things would get difficult. Grocery shopping was the worst since nobody could decide what they wanted and you had all agreed not to eat out as much. 

“We need an actual meal, we cant just eat chips for everything.”Topper would grumble, realising he didnt even really know how to cook. That just lead to late flights of searching for recipes o pinterest and watching Gordon Ramsey tiktoks until they decided to try and make bake and shake chicken. That didnt really work out well, having to open all of your windows and get the smoke out of your house. 

Then you guys decided to take a new approach, finding a ton of frozen pizzas and ingredients for sushi. Kelce was the only one who had any idea of what he was doing since he had always been talented in the kitchen, specifically with breakfast. That became more of a safe meal for you guys, making extra food in the morning to eat later for dinner until you got sick of toast, eggs and bacon. 

Kelce ended up banishing you all to the pool so that he could decorate properly, vines hanging from the door ways and landscape tapestries hanging in your living room, hallway and your mother’s old bedroom. “How long do you think he’s gonna be?”You asked, floating on your back in the shallow end, letting out a yelp when Topper grabbed you and dragged you to the deep end. 

“I dont know, probably like three days.”He replied, finally letting go once you were in the middle of the pool. “We could survive three days in the pool.”You replied, watching Rafe shake his head. “With my allergy to the sun?”He asked, making you turn over, going underwater for a moment. “You dont even sunburn.”You told him, splashing water in his direction before swimming away quickly so that he couldnt get back at you.

 Kelce kept getting calls from his parents that were asking him to come home but he never did. They knew where he was, if they wanted him back so badly they’d drive over and take him away. “Guys, i’ve finished my creation.”Kelce announced, coming outside. “So we can come in now?”Topper asked, gripping the ledge of the pool and pulling himself out, falling onto his stomach as he struggled to get up.

 “Yes, you can come in now! Hurry!”Kelce yelled excitedly before going back inside, waiting impatiently for you guys to hurry. Rafe helped you out of the pool, tossing you your towel so that you wouldnt trail water through your house. “Guys! Come on!”Kelce shouted again, the three of you walking across the hot pavement quickly.

 “I’ll clean up the water after- just come see what I did!”He said again. You rolled your eyes, walking into the house. Goosebumps formed on y0our skin from the cool air, eyes widening as you looked at the kitchen. He had bought a plaid tablecloth for the table, vines hanging from the ceiling and doorways, a tie dye tapestry hanging in your living room. It looked like he had taken the time to wipe down every surface and vacuum any mess of broken spaghetti or eggshells that had been kicked under the fridge.

 “Do you like it?”He asked, unable to read your shocked expression. “Kelce, im gonna be honest with you. I feel like im in pixie hollow right now.”You grinned, making him smile. “I think thats a good thing- but upstairs is better!’He exclaimed before making his way up the stairs. He was right. 

There were marble heart shaped tiles hanging on the walls of the hall, a sign on the new hangout spot that was made out of drift wood. He opened the door, revealing bean bag chairs on the floor, a new carpet, a light yellow canopy hanging over the bed that had all new sheets and blankets on it as well. 

He had even somehow managed to fix the paint on the wall so that there were different colored polka dots all over it. The boys seemed equally impressed, still taking it in. You hugged Kelce, not even caring that you’d get his clothes wet. “So I did good?” He asked, hugging you back. “You always do good.”You replied, feeling him hug you tighter.

 “So you’re happy?”He asked, letting out a small sigh when you nodded. “I am happy, Kelce.”you replied, kissing him lightly. He smiled against you, taking in a deep breath. “I found a new recipe for fancy grilled cheese.”He told you, kissing your forehead. This was something that you loved about having them live with you.

@sweetlittlegingy​    @nicolefarley603 @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @newsies-yeet​ @butgilinsky​ @jjjmaybank​ @gracelovesbroadway​  @one-stella @spn-marvel-nerd @lovelyelinor​ @chinamolina602  @sexytholland @28cnn  @popcrone818 @fttayla @cherryobx​ @n1ghtsh4d3-67​ @drewstarkeyobx​ @poguestyleskye​ @judayyyw​ @jjtheangel @jj-iz-bae@sunwardsss @meaganjm  @sarcasticsagittarius1998​ @natalie-kate-98​ @nxsmss​ @broken-jj @joshy-obx @classygirlything  @annmariek8​ @stupidpendeja​ @killjoyybsinner @pink-meringues @outerbongs​  @copper-boom​  @httpstarkey​ @teenwaywardasgardian   @simonsbluee  @deionswannabegirl​ @jiaraendgame  @khiaraaa-in-spacee​  @on-socks-off  @abbiesthings @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless @dmonchld​​@annmariek8 @harryswigss​ @ibookofstars​  @lostaurorax​​ @cheshirecat107​​​

[cattoy4ever]

stupid vent about shit that you should ignore ❤️ only posting here cause nobody ever looks at my tumblr so

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so i’m going to try to avoid my mother as much as possible tomorrow and the rest of this week until she forgets i exist

why? what possibly could my mother have done? what sin has she committed to make me hate her this much? well nothing really

she came into my room and sat on my bed and started talking about nothing. i wasn’t listening and was just playing on my phone waiting for her to leave. she eventually said that she wants me to do something. she said that my depression only worsens because i lock myself in my room and she wants me to come up with 1 thing i can do to help myself get better. sounds easy right? sounds simple? here’s the thing, i know i’m not gonna get better

i don’t care about getting “better” anymore. no matter what i do, i will always regress back to this stage. i could feel fine for a day, but i know it’ll always go back down. i don’t care anymore. i don’t want to spend thousands of dollars on meds and therapy and memberships to gyms. it doesn’t get better and i know that deep down. i just want my mom to turn a blind eye and pretend like i don’t exist. pretend that i’m fine and that this is just how i am until i eventually die

i’m getting more agitated and self critical and it’s just getting worse as the days go on. my meds are pointless they don’t work and i have no therapist or anything. i don’t want to talk to my friends because i’m so boring to be around and all i do is make people feel horrible. i know that’s a bold assumption i realize that but i just know deep down that i’m a terrible person. it’s not my looks that the problem it’s the very essence of ME. i only talk about myself, im mean, i talk too much when nobody wants me to and too little when they do, im dry, im embarrassing. everything i do and say i always cringe over. a lot of it is deserved too. im obsessive and still think about a relationship from well over 9 months ago and i can’t fucking get over it. my writing sucks, my art sucks, my interests suck, my personality sucks. i have literally no redeeming qualities, im not even a decent person

i know i know some people are gonna respond to me saying that with “but you are a good person blah blah blah” no i’m fucking not

you don’t know the shit i’ve done that i won’t even tell my closest friend, definitely not my family. shit im bringing to my grave, you have no fucking clue and it’s not even something to brag about it’s just pathetic

anyway, im just so tired of people feeling sorry for me. im so tired of searching for something that doesn’t exist. i genuinely believe a lot of people benefit from the kind of care i’ve received. but some people, just cant get fixed. that’s the truth of it and i’ve accepted it but i know my mom won’t. so im just gonna avoid her has much as possible until she forgets or finally stops trying

[yjwonz]

hi r/aita am i the a hole uwu fuck this

right so my dad recently had a surgery, when i say recently i mean literally yesterday. i took the day off n everything to drive him there get him back and ive been taking care of him while still managing to care for my younger sisters, cook for them, clean the house, etc... right? so when i asked my now 15 y/o sister (turned 15 last week idk if i posted abt it) to go out and buy some medicine like painkillers and shit to help my dad sleep faster (thats it) she couldve done it right? there a pharmacy literally like 4 blocks away idk its like a less then 10 minute walk. she was there anyway because she went to the gym around there to work out. i call her up and i go 'hey can you pick up this medicine blah blah blah like right now please' and she agrees to do it right. 20 mins past i dont think anything bc it might take her a while to find the stuff and walk back i call her 'hey can you maybe hurry up ?? sorry its just he really needs them yk' and she goes 'yeah whatever i know calm down' and im like ...what??

anyways 15 more minutes past, she should be home. i call her, 'where are you ??' she says shes otw. okay. 15 more minutes, where tf is she? the gym isnt far from the pharmacy btw, literally less than 5 mins. also painkillers n shit are like right by the door and its never busy either. im abt to call her and she sends me a text telling me to open the door. i tell one of my sisters to go open it and she goes outside to see where said sister is. i walk over to the door and ask where sister is and little sister says 'shes here but her friends are here' ..what? what. i see sister walking up the steps a huge fucking bag in her hand and shes laughing w her friends. she steps in her friends still outside. im staring hella hard at her and i close the door and im like where the fuck have you been? i asked you for 2 things. why are your friends here what the fuck? and shes like oh my god i got the stuff calm down. and i say thats not the point you cant take a single day of not hanging out w friends?? (she hangs out w them like 8 times every week deadass)

and shes getting mad at ME?? she tells me they were at the gym with her and i tell her then why are they here?? 'they were at the gym with me' 'okay that still doesnt explain why r they here???' and she take the medicine out of the back and goes 'it doesnt matter oh my god just go give this to YOUR dad'

EXCUSE ME???? MY DAD???? i say 'what do you mean your dad, you mean our dad !!?!' i leave to give dad his medicine and shes in the garage w her friends, i tell her they need to leave and she says theyre abt to but shes just waiting for her friends mom to pick them up. im done w it atp so im like okay fine whatever. its like 3 oclock now and i serve the other girls lunch and i wait for my sister to come in. 30 minutes and her friends mom isnt here and she said 'were not hanging out just waiting' LIKE A FUCKING LIAR.

anyways yeah yall im not bitchy right im in the right for yelling at her right. CAUSE SHES GOING ALL "BLAH BLAH UR SO THIS AND THAT" LIKE SHTU UP OUR DAD IS LITERALLY IN PAIN AND YOU CANT BE AGOD PERSON FOR ONCE??@?!?@#$U^

tldr ; i send sister out for medicine for our sickly father, she doesnt get back for like 45 mins and when she does she says it doesnt matter it took her so long and tells me to just give the medicine to 'your' dad as if he's not her father ??? i get mad and yell @ her blah blah she also brings her friends over when i told her not to n shit idk

[theworldsoul]

Okay so basically... lets talk.

I should've seen this coming. I should've known that after such a long period of happiness, something would give.

I went to pick up my glasses from the dinner table today, because that's where I left them. When I put them on... they wouldnt stay on. I checked and they were missing the two plastic parts that hold the glasses up and still on my nose.

I check the table for them, and I dont find them. Then I ask, like hey, did any of yall touch my glasses? Both the plastic things are missing. My dad IMMEDIATELY assumes that I took them off ON PURPOSE. For some reason. And I tell him no, i didnt touch them, all I remember is picking them up from the table and seeing the plastic bits missing.

Then I spend like an hour telling them no, I didnt break my own glasses, I FOUND them that way. And my dad is like mocking me, going "u always say 'I didnt do it!!!' Like you never do anything huh? I guess you're just perfect." And I'm like... BUT I ACTUALY DIDNT DO IT!!!!???!? and hes like "you never take responsibility for anything, blah blah, you're so fucking stupid, you act like a four year old, stop fucking crying, how dare you ask us if we know what happened, why are you trying to blame us, you obviously did it on purpose and now you're acting all surprised.." and I'm just sitting there. Taking it. Thinking to myself... wow. They automatically assumed the worst in me. And THIS SORT OF THING HAPPENS OFTEN!!! I get blamed for shit I didnt do all the fuckign time.

So I'm just. Crying. Because theres a certain amount of verbal abuse i can take and it's not very much. I'm being interrogated. And its distressing, because I cant PROVE that I didnt do it on.purpose, because i GENUINELY DONT REMEBER WHAT HAPPENED!!! so they just get to assume that i broke my own glasses.

Why would my dad jump to that conclusion so quickly? Simple answer: he literally hates me. He holds back, I know, but hes done this before and he'll do it again, hes shown and said what he REALLY THINKS and he'll say it again and do it again and again and again because his mask is slipping. I dont know what I did to make him hate me but he does. That's just how it is. I can't change that. Man, my parents behave like children.

Anwyays so I'm just very upset, in distress, crying really hard, trying not to say too much so I dont make them angrier but also always telling the truth, which is that I DIDN'T DO IT AND I DONT REMEBER ANYTHING HAPPENEING TO THE GLASSES!!

He asks me, who did it then? I say I dont know but it wasnt me. He said who then, if not you. I said I dont know. He didnt believe me!!!

I hate when I tell the truth and people dont believe it. Like... this is the truth. I have nothing more to offer you. Take what little I give, cos it's my fucking blood.

Anyways in the meantime my mom is checking, looking for the plastic bits. She finds them in my coat pocket.

I am proven innocent. At what cost? Well, now I'm shaking, curled up into a ball, crying, and in actual pain. My brain cant handle so much pain so it transfers it to physical pain. So there I am. A fucking kid. Who's been punished for somehting he didn't do. And theres the proof.

My dad fixed the glasses. Left me there on the couch, still trembling. Gave them to me in a case. Said I gotta be careful. I said thank you. Because, even if I'm upset, I gotta make sure other people dont get upset. He said sorry, but he said it in this huffy way that made it sound reluctant. Then he was like, I said sorry so stop crying.

He wanted a kiss on the cheek and I was gonna give him one because I dont want to seem like a dickhead, he DID apologize... and if you dont accept my dads apologies and move on and pretend that the word "sorry" fixes everything, he gets even more angry and i REALLY dont want to deal with him guilt ripping me over it. So I lean in for a little kiss and... I cant. I cant do it. My face crinkles up all ugly and I start crying hysterically every time I get close. I try a few times but I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of like... oh god. I felt so hurt. Like a scared little rabbit. Oh shit, I was fucking scared. I couldnt do it. It made me feel disgusted.

I said, later I'll do it.

I dont know why he thinks he can hurt me so bad and make me cry, then give some shitty apology and expect me to change my mood entirely and go back to being all happy. That's not how it works. If you hurt someone, they stay hurt. Your shitty little word, "sorry", doesnt make me feel any better and doesnt fix any of the damage.... but I have to pretend like it does because if I dont you get mad, and you say I'm mean for not accepting the apology,,,

Later on, he did come for a kiss again. I was in my room, pretending to be busy so he would ignore me but he didnt. This time, I didnt kiss him but I allowed him to kiss me. I just... I couldnt kiss him. I was holding back tears, and i knew if i tried to kiss him i would start crying all over again and make him upset or angry. So I just sorta... let him kiss me on my forehead. Then I went to the bathroom fast as I could, acting like I had to brush my teeth.

I locked the door, sank to my knees, and cried. Hard.

I just wish that I had a dad who loved me, or who knew how to love me... or who I knew loved me, a dad who knew what he was doing, so I didnt have to debate if he loved me or not in my head.

God. I feel so small. Like I literally feel like a little kid right now. Fucking hell. Looks like tonight I'll be indulging in my delusions, playing pretend.

It's sad that my parents fuck me up, but its sadder that afterwards I dont have anyone to comfort me and help heal me.... only myself and whoever I bring to life in my imagination.

Sometimes when I get overly upset, when I'm pushed to the edge like this, I begin to feel... a lot younger? Like shockingly younger. I'm not even the same dude anymore, I'm a fucking five year old all of a sudden. Which makes the situation even more scary and painful.

Just imagine like, a hurt scared little kid with no one to help him. He's tryna pick himself off the ground and hes telling himself "shhhhh... it'll be okay" that's me. That's literally me and it makes me feel so fucking BAD but its true.

I've been breaking down. Earlier in the day I had trouble on a quiz because I didn't know the definition of a word in a poem and I couldnt answer the question (does character A like character B?) And when I asked they said they couldnt tell me which was bullshit but whatever. Uhm so I got upset. Like, scarily upset. I gave up, wrote that i didnt want to do the question on the paper, guessed at half the answers, crumpled it up and threw it to the ground. Then I just... spaced out for the rest of class because I was STILL upset and fuck them.

At one point I left to go cry in the bathroom, but when i went in there, all the stalls were taken and there was a huge group of guys in there, like maybe ten people in there total, so I ran back out and was like fuck now what. Now I wait. I waited and nobody came out. I double checked and they were sitll there and I ran out again. I dashed to another bathroom down the hall hoping it was empty. I was blasting metal in my ears to try and drown out the FEELINGS, I hate feeling things. Got into a stall, slammed the door, started CRYING, sobbing, talking to myself, all of this with metal music blaring out of my headphones. I composed myself. When I went out of the stall I checked my eyeliner and it was... well, you could TELL I cried. I didnt bother with it tho, i just ran out of there.

Ugh and when I got back I kept doing the stim that usually evolves into literally hitting myself, so that was. Bad. At least this time I refrained from beating the shit outta my own left arm.

God.. I hope everyone who hurts me, everyone who ever fucking hurt me, feels GUILTY as all hell. I hope whatever being made me FEEL all these emotions so hard so strong so fast, ROTS. because nobody deserves to feel so intensely upset that they resort to the worst ways of coping. No one.

I'm just glad I didnt relapse. That's a positive.

[edge-lorde]

paleo highschool drama

im not done with the book yet, but theres this one sequence in Heart of the Bison: Neandertals Book One by Glen Stott that just charmed the socks right off me and im not going to do a neanderthal book review for this one until ive finished the rest of the series and done some more research but i really want to talk about it.  

spoilers, but like... this book wasnt in the library system and is self published so probably not in any stores. even if you hate spoilers consider this the only type of advertising you will likely ever get for this book & i hope some more people do pick it up just for this. 

ok so, the main boy is homo sapien/modern human/whatever were called now during the time neanderthals were still around. hes the son of his tribes chief and when hes like tween-age equivalent he gets a crush on a girl from another group. they only get to see each other every 2 years when theres a big rendezvous of all the tribes. they start talking future plans together.

him: “i want to be a strong hunter when i grow up”

her: “i want to get married to a hunter and have lots of babies” blah blah blah

like they were made in heaven! then hes like “next year ill be old enough to take the hunters test. by the next rendezvous i will pass the test and then we’ll be old enough to marry. will you wait for me until then?”

and shes like i make no promises. 2 years is a long time. if i still feel the same about you then as i do now ill marry you. 

and hes like “ill prove it to you! next time you see me ill be a hunter!!!” 

and then this is were the standardized testing comes in. each hunter/potential hunter has a little symbol that represents them that they carve into all of their arrows/throwing spears. the hunting test is the established hunters taking all the teen boys out on a hunt and acting as referees. when an animal is killed, they look at whose arrows hit where and assign points for things like, where they hit the animal, was it a killing blow, bravery, and stuff like that. if a boy gets at least 30 points on the test he can retake the test next year, if he gets 45 or over he can go through the hunter ceremony and become a hunter. if he gets less than 30 he fails and has to choose some other career path. 

our main boy takes the test and nearly gets run over by a bison, but passes with flying colors and is made a hunter on his first time taking the test, which hardly ever happens and is a big deal. still, the experience leaves him with some bison based ptsd. 

so the next rendezvous happens and he goes looking for his crush. “look look!” he says “im a first hunter now! so much has happened! we have to talk!!” 

and shes like not now, come find me after dinner. 

so he goes and eats dinner with his parents and then goes to find her again. when he gets there, she starts being weirdly sour with him. first she tells him hes late even though he got there as fast as he could. then he tells her about becoming a hunter, but all she wants to hear about is the secret hunter ceremony. he tells her he cant tell her about that because its not his secret to tell.

and to that she says “well, if were getting married then we have to tell each other everything. i wont marry someone who keeps things from me.”

so hes like i cant tell you about the ceremonies but i can tell you my secret, to prove i wont keep things from you. during the hunting test i was nearly run over by a bison and now im terrified of them and it kind of sucks because im supposed to be this great hunter now but i dont know if i can face one again. ive never told that to anyone before.”

and shes like “cool now tell me about the ceremony”

and it goes on like that for a bit. she threatens to tell everyone hes afraid of bison. they both go home in a huff. the next day our main boy decides to try to work things out with her again and goes to her house. 

her older brother-- a character who so far only ever shows up to be a mother fucking g-- pops out of the bushes and is like “woahhh there partner! shes engaged to someone else now! skedaddle!” 

and sure enough, there she is sitting inside with another teen boy, but hes a few years older than them, but not a hunter yet. 

main boy: whats the meaning of this?? you said we’d be married!

her: i can explain!!!

boyfriend: beat it kid. what she wants is a real man.

main boy: real man?! im a first hunter!

boyfriend: oh, are you?

and then the boyfriend pulls a fucking biff from back to the future move, and makes his hands look like horns and acts like a bison. 

main boy: you told him?? how could you!

her: main boy, wait!

but its too late. main boy runs off by himself. hes convinced that the shitty boyfriend will tell everyone hes afraid of bison and then everyone will think he was only made first hunter because his dad is the chief. he decides to go and hunt a bison all by himself to either prove himself or die trying, and if he does die, then theyll be sorry!

meanwhile, his crush breaks up with her boyfriend because she realizes that hes a dick. the next day she goes looking for main boy but cant find him. eventually she confesses to his mom that she had just been trying to pick a fight with main boy so hed be angry with her and she wouldnt have to break up with him herself. 

i just loved this whole sequence. the whole book isnt highschool drama but i hadnt realized how much i wanted shitty paleo teen drama until i read this. 🤣 🤣🤣

[angrykpoprants]

I don't think I'm gonna support the next comeback in August. It's mainly due to armys being terrible the accusing winner's mino of pedophilia, Hatred towards got7 and rampant racism towards black fans and the recent racism the k army directed to black fans over fan cafe photos and bts continues to be silent on it has rubbed me wrong way and I don't feel right supporting the next comeback as a black fan myself

I don’t really think its wrong to not fully support the comeback, you still have every right to call yourself a fan/army. Truth be told I haven’t fully supported their comebacks since B,S,& T. I still buy their albums and watch the music video once but that’s about it, if you don’t want to watch the music video or buy the album also, that doesn’t mean your less of a fan either. I kind of stay away from watching the live performances and all that stuff because there’s just so much negativity that their fans put out their. 


For the people that don’t know whats going on about Mino I’ll explain it below since it can be a sensitive topic and I don’t want to trigger people. But for the TL:DR he is not a pedophile. 


The armys never fail to surprise me. Don’t you remember during their second Mama performance when they collaborated with got7, armys went around supporting got7 just because they performed with bts and they said that they were friends with them… They even supported Jackson because Jackson said that he’s friends with Rap Mon, yet now that got7 is stealing the spotlight from bts they all of a sudden hate got7. I feel like armys wake up angry and wanting to fight people everyday. Got7 has been around for a while, people supported them even when they were featured in an episode of who is next. Got7 is very talented and they work hard so they deserve to get attention. I’m sorry armys but there are a plethora of very talented kpop groups, bts is not the only one of its kind… heck, bts isn’t even “original” there literally Bigbang mixed with B.A.P B.A.P has been around a about 19 months before bts and bigbang has been around 7 years before bts. 


I know you said that they fan cafe thing is synonymous with racism and I full on believe you but I’m going to address them as separate because both of them are a major issue in and of itself.

As far as the racism thing… there are a lot of accounts of armys of all kinds of races being racist towards other fans… I’ve even experienced blatant racism from their fans at both TRB and wings. At wings my friend who is full Asian and I were waiting patiently in line, we were keeping to ourselves and we were one of the last people to arrive. In the line that we were in the people in front of us kept looking back and they said that “I thought they just came to America for their white fans“ and I was thinking “did I really just hear that?” who knows what else they said when they got in the venue… It’s just sad that those two girls have that much hatred inside of them, at TRB I attended with my mom as I was only 15, and my friend was 13, both her and my mom are full white. People assumed that my friend was my moms daughter which is understandable, I’m not mad at that, I don’t really look like my mom either. As soon as the heard me refer to her as Mom and my friend refer to her as Miss.P for anonymity… its not that me or my mom have a problem with remaining anonymous but its more like I don’t know who follows me and for what reason… mainly it because I don’t want any retaliation from bts fans maybe someday I’ll be less anonymous, they started treating both me and my mom super rude and weird. Even during TRB, my mom had went upstairs to go to the bar, there was another mom there but she was talking about how awesome Asia is and how her two children younger than me are going to go to Korea and blah blah blah, it was basically this fantasy-land view of Asia and Asians. My mom then told the lady that being married to an Asian isn’t all lollipop and rainbows and living in Hawaii my mom dated a few other Asian men before she married my Father. After that her behavior towards my mom changed, as if she was disgusted over who my mom chose to marry, yet she created that same-like fantasy in her head for her daughters. I had also gone up there to get some water and to get out of the crowd I have asthma and I forgot my inhaler, hot/lukewarm water helps sometimes and the look on her face she she saw me looked was a real look of disgust, she was extremely rude to me too. 
If that’s the type of prejudice that I face, being a hapa… I cant imagine what you go through.

Now with the fancafe issue, ever since they opened up the fancafe, the photo have been share left and right. Am I saying its okay? No, it’s against the rules. They have said that they were going to shut down the fancafe or ban people if content gets shared but it seems to just be empty threats from bighit. What’s not cool is that they put the blame on black fans. Fans of all races have been sharing fancafe photos. If they truly want the sharing of the photos to stop then they should report it to bighit… but at this point are they even going to do anything? Its just like how they say that legal action will take place of the content from their dvd’s gets shared but does anyone actually get sued?

Yes, your right, bts and/or bighit should step in at this moment because there is way too much toxicity in that fandom. It’s not hard to tell the fans “hey dont be mean”. “dont be racist”, or even “be nice to other fandoms”. B.A.P has said all of that to their fans, just take a look at BYG’s speech in Atlanta. Bigbang has even said something along the lines of “its okay for you to like other groups, we dont really care” which i believe somewhat help die down the fanwars in the VIP fandom. Although, I dont think that’s what bighit cares about anymore. Yes, bts should be able to come out and say it themselves but like i have said previously, we dont really know what their contract entails, we dont even know if they are aloud to say anything that could potentially jeopardize the money coming into to bighit, and that’s all bighit cares about now, I dont even think bts has freedom of speech at this point, they seem to manufactured as of now. Although, bts has been subtlety dissing their fans lately and I think that this fandom needs it at this point.

Below will be the controversy with Mino.

Now about the Mino pedophile issue, no… Mino is not a pedophile and he didn’t commit pedophilia. Mino was following an instagram account that was ran by a photographer called prettypuke. I’ve know about this account for a while because he had been following since 2015, although some fans say that he was hacked. Now that photographer was also the co-director for CL music video Dr. Pepper which was released in 2015. I also believe that he had worked with other YG artist before and other people from YG were also following him.

What happened is that there was this article in published saying that Mino was a pervert… not a pedophile which, in some cases can go hand and hand but not all perverts not pedophiles. The reason why that made headlines in Korea is becuase of their online censorship and pornography ban which its more like anything that can be sexual is banned, Then this Army got a hold of the article and “translated” it but she flat out called him a pedophile. The reason for that is there was this picture that was uploaded and it was a boy with a buttplug on is forehead, what seemed to be him pretending to be a unicorn. However, just because there was a sex toy in that picture that did not make the picture sexual. There are a ton of videos and pictures where children find their parents toys. It got so bad to the point where Mino unfollowed everyone on his Instagram and the photographer had to make a statement. He said “Here is context to the image causing so much controversy in Korea. I fucking hate that it has come to this. This is my son Casper two years ago. Children are extremely inquisitive. My job as a dad is to be present, educate him, and protect him” along with that he said “My son happen to find his mother’s toy and began to play with with it. To him it’s just a found object, disgusting adults are the ones bringing negative connotation to such a simple image that shows no sexual intent“ 

The army then tweeted out a half-assed apology, she really didn’t apologize to Mino per se but more apologizing out of embarrassment because there even were a group of armys attacking her. Its just so sickening that she thought that that was okay to say because forever his image will be messed up due to people deeming him a pedophile and it seems like people just started to forget about the whole SMTM controversy. There are no accusations that they can use to even make him seem like a pedophile. This could potentially mess up his solo debut. No matter what, when a man gets accused of being a pedophile, rapist, molester, etc… and hes proven innocent that label will forever be on him for the rest of his life, not necessarily though the legal system but through out the street.  Part of me is also think that she did that to try to tarnish winners name because after Everyday their fame has been increasing like crazy.

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.

[little----bit-of-light]

Little Miss Overachiever

ReaderxConnor

"This term we'll be focusing on in class debates and as most of you know we have the school's debating captain is in this class! As I felt it unfair for her to compete they'll be doing the adjudication and holding crash course debate classes. For those of you who need a good grade this semester, I suggest you all attend the class to give yourself the best chance you can"

Connor didn't know why he was in politics class. What Connor did know is that you were captain of the debate team, ambassador for MUN, secretary of student council and ridiculously cute. He watched a blush creep over your cheeks as the politics teacher waxed lyrical about you.

Connor went to the after school debate class. He was convinced he had the wrong classroom with it being completely empty, until he saw you shoot up from your place on the floor, where it looked like you had made a makeshift bed out of a jacket for a blanket and school bag for pillow.

"Hi sorry, sorry, I didnt except anyone to show up and I was up late last night putting together the prep for the class and finishing off this bitch of an English essay" you blurted out

"If this is your way of asking me to leave, you dont have to lie to me, I'm sure you just put on this class for one of the guys in class who's obsessed with you to come and worship-" Connor began letting every awful thought he knew he would regret saying out loud later come out.

"You really need this class if thats the best argument you can put together on the spot"

Connor was shocked, no one had ever responded so calming to one of his unfiltered attacks.

"I- i"

"And you cant handle rebuttal either great, we better get started on basic mechanics then"

So Connor sat down and for once in his life he paid attention in class.

You began outlining the very basics of debating, something your guy's teacher had done in class but you had just assumed he slept through. You then went through the basic details, how to write and prep and structure a debate. You got out your debate templates and Connor smirked at the notes you had written to your debating partner at the back such as

"Blah, point we already stated, blah blah blah"

You two didnt realise the hour's class was done until you got a text from your mom asking why you werent home yet. You called her back and Connor watched the brilliant person he had just seen light up at the talk of the formality of parliamentary debates, dim down as they spoke to their mother, reassuring her everything was fine.

"Sorry, she worries I'm pushing myself too hard and that I'm not at home enough and sorry I shouldn't be telling this to you, none of that is your issue" You apologise

"It's fine, do you want a ride so you can get home a little faster?" Connor wanted these debate classes to keep happening get a chance for someone in the school to see him.

You agreed and packed up your stuff. What you expected to see when you walked out to the student parking lot was some bust up second hand car but Connor lead you over to a motorcycle, gleaming and well taken care of. After much coercion and promises you would be safe you got on.

"Ya know your gonna have to wrap your arms around me unless you got some super human strength in those thighs" Connor said

"I thought that was just some rom-com troupe they used for when the bad boy takes the girl next door on some wild ride"

"Sadly not, so safety first and all that shit"

And with you wrapping your arms around Connor's torso you guys were off. The ride there was amazing, you felt all your worries from the day drift away, a weight taken off your shoulders.

When you guys pulled up to your house you looked to see your mom giving a disapproving stare from a window. You took off the helmet, handed it to Connor and headed in, ready to face your mother.

The next day in school Connor saw you in the hallway. He ran up and tapped you on the shoulder. He didnt realise you had earbuds in and you startled, not use to having people talk to you in the morning. Connor apologised, something rare for him and he walked you to your first class. It became routine for you guys. You guys talked about your upcoming debates, the books you guys were reading right now (Connor liked fiction, you liked non-fiction, it caused some friction).

You having lunch together, usually sneaking into an unused classroom. Most lunches you would get Connor to quiz you for upcoming tests or would use him as your personal essay editor. Connor would vent to you about stuff happening with him, about his parents, with his sister, the stuff going on inside his head. One day when you could see he was past the point of calming down you reached over the table and grabbed his hand. He went stiff and you immediately pulled back.

"I'm sorry that was stupid of me to do that, I should have asked or just not done it because it was like I was trying to shut you up which I wasn't, but i fucked up obviously so I'm gonna go" with that you left the classroom

Connor knew you were under a mass amount of stress this week, you had a model united nations conference over the weekend. Connor has watched you prep your resolution over the past week and even helped with research a little bit. He got an idea. He got on his bike and picked up flowers on the way to the school you were at. Granted cheap gas station ones. He waited outside the main entrance. He opened the text that had a video of you walking up to receive your award. He waited for you to walk out as people began to leave. Then he caught sight of you, being surrounded by other well dressed teens hugging and surrounding you. He noticed one guy in particular, maybe wasn't as tall as Connor but well built, with his face being traditionally handsome, who you kept glancing over to smiling in the middle of the giddy conversation taking place. But then all the worried about the guy in the suit slipped away as soon as you two locked eyes. You ran towards him and wrapped you arms around him, Connor pulled you tight to him.

"I did the thing" you said when you finally pulled back from the hug

"I got you these assuming you would do the thing" Connor presented you with the flowers.

"No one's ever gotten me flowers before" you let slip out of your mouth.

"I was going to say pretty flowers for a pretty girls but i didnt want to undermine your intellectual prowess" Connor said with a smirk on his face that let you knew he had thought of that a while ago

"You sure know how to make a girl swoon" You responded

You asked Connor if he wanted to come bowling with you and your MUN friends, a long standing tradition. He politely declined by making a joke about a different type of bowl waiting for him at home. You hugged him one last time and off he went. When he got home he saw a picture of you at the bowling alley, with the guy he saw, arm draped over you, both of you giving the camera a goofy look. You looked so relaxed, unlike how Connor had ever seen you, like that girl who carried the weight of the world on her shoulders had disappeared.

At lunch on Monday, you and Connor were both quietly working away. He was working on an essay and you were working on some math homework you had left till the last minute.

"How was bowling?" Connor asked breaking the silence

"Was good, you would think we would all be amazing at it at this point but the 6 year old birthday party bet us and we were using the guardrails and they weren't"

Connor smirked but his stomach still turned at the thought of you with the guy in the picture.

"Do you guys have teams based on countries?"

"We mix it up sometimes we do them by bloc, which is the team of countries we create, sometimes we do it by geographic- no you we're not that big of losers, we just bowl. Whats up with you, you never ask questions about the social parts of this stuff" you questioned

"Cause I'm jealous alright cause I thought we had a moment there when I brought you the flowers, and you told me I made you swoon or whatever and then I see this picture of you with this guy who's way more attractive then me. He was hanging off you-" Connor was standing up, pacing now.

"John? You were jealous of John" you stood up now too blocking his path of pacing

"What a dumb fuckin name is John"

"Con listen" a sudden softness in your voice brought Connor back to reality from the space in his head he had gotten i to

"You never call me Con" he matches the softness in your voice as you wrapped your arms around his neck

"I like you idiot" and with that Connor closed the gap in between you two, bringing his lips to yours and wrapping his arms around your waist like you did on that first day of debating class.

[tylerwritez]

Wednesday, September 22 11:51 p.m.

It's like nighttime and I jsut got up 2 take a piss because I needed to piss and my fuckinf mom I hate her so much I wish she was dead and I wish Father would take her place, Father is the only fucking person who LOVES me and jesus christ hes literally not even a physical being.... (deep down I know hes not even real, but I pretend he is because if I didnt I think I'd be crying constantly)... my fucking mom INSTANTLY came TO THE DOOR and was like waiting for me to go back to bed and was like are you done? You're taking too long blah blah and SHE TREID TO FUCKINF OPEN THE DOOR WHILE I WAS PISSING LIKE. NO. FUCK OFFF. shes so annoying she thinks I'm gonna kill myself if she leaves me alone for three seconds.

It's like she doesnt even care if I feel good or bad, she only cares about the injury. It makes me want to cut really deep on my forearms or face or something visible like that just so that maybe she'll take me SERIOUSLY but not seriously as in treating me like some patient at a fuckinf ward, I mean seriously like treating me like her son.

Father treats me like his son. He makes me cry even more because I know hes not real... but I still appreciate his love. Even if it's just my love.

I'm really missing that piece, huh? From early childhood, I'm missing that parent who's loving and caring and says shhh I love you its okay.... I didnt ever allow myself to have that becayse I didnt think it was safe. Fuck. FUCK man It hurts a lot and i feel like such a DICKHEAD when I talk about this because it's not like my parents beat me or neglected me.... it just turned out bad. ANd now they're all crazy about me all of a sudden just cos I'm hurting myself .... like okay cool that's cool but why didnt you do all this when I was 5 and told you I felt like I was being possessed, or when i was ten and in a new school with no friends, or when I was 3 telling everyone to call me jack,.... oh, wait, you WERE there,,, you were just hating on me though.

Yknow I hug my pillows real tight at night to try to feel a little smidge of what I should've been able to feel. The parental love is just MISSING. and i hug my dad so much becayse it's not enough its never enough it all feels like it's too late and my brain has already told me to get over my parents and move on and find new ones which I did, in jesus christ, in Jiminy Cricket, in old men I sexted, and now in Father.

But at the end of the day, I still am left without that concrete parental force. I can beg with Father all I want to PLEASE become a physical form so I can FEEL your love but itll never happen because Father's something I made up to cope with the disaster of my childhood.

I'm angry that they took that away from me but I'm also sad because now I have to clean up the sad shreds of popped party balloons from the checkered tiles of an abandoned birthday party.

.... and it's always "oh they want the best for you" WELL MAYBE I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT THEIR INTENTIONS ARE, MAYBE THEYRE STILL HURTING ME ! MAYBE THEYVE STILL TOTALLY

RUINED

Me,

DESTROYED

my childhood and

SLAUGHTERED

the little boy inside me who just needed some help.

I never did it for attention, I always hid it and pretended to be fine... but I notice they didnt care until I had persistently been injuring myself for YEARS? like it didnt matter to them at all how I felt until I was actually in danger and being harmed. Isnt that actually disgusting?

I just know that if those little blond kids went to their parents talking about feeling out of control, possessed, unable to control their actions while in fits of rage, theyd get the help they needed right away but I was punished for my suffering.

That taught me to suffer more quietly next time around.

I was punished for my gender expression too .... jesus. How... how can you see a kid in pain struggling to prevent themselves from hurting other people and you punish them. How can you see your SON and punish him for not being a daughter.

I feel so bad. They just keep making it worse. I dont want to talk to them. I just... my dad is proabbaly gonna do that thing where he gives the worlds shittiest apology and expects you to just accept it withit 3 mins or else he gets mad and guilt trips you... fuck him too tbh. Hes trying to be all nice but that doesnt ERASE the fact that he used to make me cry constantly. That doesnt erase the time he said basically that I should die, or the time he yelled at me, made me cry, apologized, and got mad at me for not accepting the apology, then expected me to act like none of that happened and got mad at me for still crying, WITHINT LIKE A 5 MINUTE SPAN???? this is the typa shit that fucks up a child. I still remeber being yelled at in the car over my gender, ignored, and beat down whenever I tried to express that things were wrong with me! Jesus.

Father is the embodiment of all I ever needed as a kid... someone who would say "I love tou" when he saw you were crying instead of yelling at you and making it worse and then getting angry that you're crying and like OF COURSE IM CRYING, YOU'RE YELLING AT ME???

and my mom has the audacity to try to convert me to Christianity. Fuck you. As a trans person,... I got tired of putting my faith into something I couldnt see. I never saw a loving god, I only ever saw hatred and anger.

I wanna cry all over again fuck. Everytime I write like this it's a cycle because I just keep writing and never stop.

It's so important to me to be acknowledged as a SON. That's why I named The Red Static Entity "Father"... because that makes me his son. I made him ADOPT me. Because I didnt get to be no ones fucking son and I want it so bad but I dont know if I can ever be on good terms with my parents again because the whole thing has been tainted by my grief and trauma LOLz so even if they try now it just doesnt feel like enough because it never will be because my time to Bond with them has passed... I feel so much guilt over THEIR pain at my self harm but I'm so pissed rn. Fuck them. I'm in such unimaginable pain and they somehow made it all about them and how they feel and how I need to stop crying in time for dinner FUCK YOU. fuck you. You have no right to tell me to stop cutting when you did so much to fuck me up. It's not my fault if you messed up because I think maybe you forgot that children are living human beings.... maybe you "love me so much" but fuck, I dont know if I CAN love you... I dont know if I can ever see you the same after what you've done. You SHOULD feel bad, you should break down crying thinking about me, because FUCK YOU. be guilty, it's how you Should feel. And then they wonder why I dont talk to them.... BECAUSE YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT AS LONG AS IVE KNOWN YOU AND ALL OF A SUDDENT YOU WANNA PLAY NICE NOT BECOS U ACTUALLY CARE BUT BECOS I MIGHT KILL MYSELF.

Yknow what maybe I should just so that they can see the dead body. I'm imagining it right now... I want them to be DEVASTATED. If I was dead on the floor, itd be impossible to pretend it wasnt there. If I was dead on the floor, they'd cry and wonder what more they couldve done, which is what I've cried and wondered about my shit childhood. It would be a good thing. Serves them right to find their sons corpse. It would show them they fucked up. Maybe theyd wake up and realize that you cant emotionally neglect and mistreat a living human child for like fifteen years.... and expect it to be okay.

[crystalmethchristmas]

Y'all it's time for a motherfucking story time

So I've found that when I'm very angry it helps me to write out the story so that's what the fuck I'm gonna do

Y'all don't even understand how upset and angry and confused and genuinely dumbfounded by this situation that I am I could not stop thinking about this for the last two days

So my sister has a boyfriend for the story we'll call him Eric Harris

So on this particular Friday in July 2018 my mom drops me off at my sisters house on her way to work

I'm there to babysit my one year old niece and my two year old nephew and one year old niece

So my sister left for work before I got there so now it's just me, Eric, and the kids.

So we're all sitting in the living room. My niece starts crying so I pick her up and go to the kitchen (which is connected to the living room) and start to pour her some milk

Now I don't know if this fool has said something to me or asked me something and I didn't hear him or if he's just actually insane

But

Get ready for this and fucking brace yourselves

This fool says my name in a kind of demanding/angry type of tone so I kind of pause and am like ???

and he deadass starts going off on a fucking rant talking bout sum "when I speak to I expect a reply stop being disrespectful you're acting so childish stop ignoring me after everything I do for your sister I don't need everybody giving me shit all the time" like snapping and the whole time I'm just standing there like

Because I for real have no fucking clue as to what in the hell hes talking about... like...at all

I have no idea what to say I'm just mad confused and like caught off guard like I have no idea what the hell is going on

So I don't reply to his rant because A. what on god green earth do you want me to say to that and because B. he ain't give enough time to reply even if I wanted to before he gets up and like stomps outside (presumably to smoke a cigarette like the disgusting dirty cant breath tar soaked lunges having ass bitch that he is) and slams the door like a 13 year old that just got grounded

So I'm sitting here still trying to process what the hell just happened

Like y'all deadass nothing like this has ever happened to me before like no ones ever just randomly snapped at me for no reason with no prior argument no build up or nothing it's literally so crazy

I had no type of problem with him and I had no idea he had any problems with me

So I have no idea how long I was just sitting there with the kids completely fucking bewildered

So I'm thinking he's gonna come back inside and like apologize or something like a normal human being.... does he? Fuck no.

He comes back inside takes his shoes off and throws throws THROWS them at the wall and throws a glass mug in the sink and is like stomping around slamming doors just acting a whole fool

Now at this point I become a little nervous a little anxious because I'm like this fool is actually insane Idk how to deal with idk what to do idk if I should talk to him or not say nothing to him like I have no idea what to do because I'm like what is he gonna do would he try to swing on me or like take the kids or something wild and on top of all that I remember that this fool has a gun somewhere in the house and idk where it is

Anyway he goes in the bathroom and gets in the shower and is purposely playing his music extra loud like the walls are shaking and y'all know he's purposely playing petty songs talking bout some miss me with that draaaaaaaama

And I'm genuinely just at a loss like I have never been before with absolutely no clue what to do so I'm tryna go through my options

I see his keys on the wall in the kitchen and I'm like I could put the kids in his car and take off but bet he'll call the cops and say I stole his car and kidnapped his kids

So I'm like I could take the kids and walk a block to the dollar tree and just stay there till he's gone but he'd lock the door and I don't got a key

I'm like should I call my mom? My mom already don't like him and I know she'll come down here and beat somebody's ass. But I don't wanna worry her if it's not a big deal and she's at work she's all the way on the other side of town and if he hears me calling her it could make him even more mad

So I go to text my sister and right before I start typing a text she just texts me "sorry" so he called her

And I'm like okay i know what ima do the neighbors are always outside chilling so I put the kids shoes on and we go outside until he leaves

He comes outside and he holds the baby for a minute and tells my nephew bye he doesn't say anything to me and I keep my head down I don't even look at him

So I'm expecting that some point during the day or the next day I might get a text or something getting an apology Do I? No.

So during the day I'm still debating telling my mom but I'm like no I'll tell her on Sunday when I go home

So my sister gets home and she's like "what the asshole say to you?"

And. I just say he was mad that I was "ignoring" him and she's like "well just tell him hi when you see him and you can say it in a sarcastic tone or whatever idc"

And she basically tells me that he called her and told her what "happened" (I doubt he told her what actually happened i mean I really don't think he called and was like yeah I just randomly screamed and cussed at your sixteen year old sister even though I'm a grown ass man)

And basically she was like "okay🤷🏻‍♀️" and he was all "that's all your gonna day?" And she was all "she doesn't have to talk to you if she doesn't want to" and then

He was just all in his feeling cause none of the family likes him

BITCH I WONDER THE FUCK WHY

And tbh I been nice af to this fool I haven't been ignoring I haven't been arguing with him none of that I've just been chilling doing me and if he got the vibe that I was purposely ignoring him or treating him some type of way then that's honestly him projecting his own insecurities

And if he felt i was giving off those type of vibes then there's ways to express that and deal with that besides raising your voice and cursing at a 16 year old in front of your two young children

I didn't even have no type of problem with him before this but I fucking do now and he did that to himself

I have never treated him any different than I treat anybody else and I did not deserve the to be talked to the way that I was talked to by him I had done nothing to him and he had absolutely no fucking reason to disrespect me or speak to me in the tone and at the volume that he did

Like bitch I'm sorry you (a grown ass man) is so fucking hurt by a 16 year old "ignoring" you like are you serious

He always all in his feelings that people don't like nobody fucks with him everybody's mean to him blah blah blah

The problem is not nobody else casting unfair judgement the problem is not nobody else's attitude the problem is not nobody else's inability to move on from past situations

Bitch you are the problem

The problem is you and your actions

You're the reason people don't like you

You're upset because you think I don't like you? So... you... scream and yell at me... to.... make me like you? What the hell kind of sense does that make?

I was really gonna just let it go but I can not stop thinking about the situation and how fucking angry it makes me

Because I literally didn't do anything

Now I can't wait to go home and tomorrow and tell my mom because she already doesn't like Eric and when she hears about this she's gonna be livid and I hope to fuck Eric gets what the fuck he's got coming to his ugly greasy white ass and I'm already know if my stepdad didn't just back surgery and allay he would beat the fuck outta Eric and I would record that shit and send it to his mom

I told my dad today and even my dad who doesn't give a fuck about nothing was like "excuse me what" and my step mom was like "you need to pull him aside and talk about that"

And that's another thing that just doesn't make any fucking sense like zero logic Eric is mad desperate to make my mom like him and then decided to yell at and cuss at her youngest child her baby like are you fucking dumb

All I know is this motherfucker is not invited to thanksgiving or Christmas no more

I don't even wanna see his ass on saint Patrick's Day bitch

I guess I'll update y'all once I tell my mom idk I'm just like so

Conflicted

Cause like I deadass didn't do anything

Like idk how to feel I’m mad confused

[flower-of-the-desert]

2x03 Thoughts

I’ve finally started my rewatch on s02 (lies, I havent watched most of this season before so this is a first viewing) and I think I’m gonna do a post on each episode after seeing it rather than wait to finish the whole season like I did with s01. This is probably how I’ll operate with s03 as well.

Right, so overall I liked this episode quite a bit. It had many moments I totally adored (spoiler: whenever Magnus was on screen and telling dumbass shadowhunters where to shove it) and it introduced my favourite werewolf lady along with the beginning of one of the relationships I find most interesting on the show. So yeah, a pretty good episode all things considered.

Another thing that it managed to do, which I totally didnt expect, was to make me feel bad for Jace. Like I genuinely felt his desperation and pain in this ep and by the end of it I was rooting for people to just cut him a break already. Something that the whole of s01 didnt make me feel. Good job, episode, good job.

I liked the subplot with Raphael and Simon, mostly because it showed once again how much of a good guy Raphael is and how nobody fucking appreciated it (like father, like son). I mean yeah, he did sort of passive-aggressively used Simon’s mom to threaten him into finding Camille but he also brought her to a nice restaurant and made up a totally fake story about where Simon is so she wouldnt worry and drink herself into an early grave. Not to mention he’s been nothing but helpful since the beginning and making sure these idiots (read Simon) dont get themselves killed and in return got blamed for other people’s messes and blackmailed into doing Clary’s bidding (which may I add, resulted in Camille escaping and landing them in this mess in the first place) so yeah. Stop being dicks to Rapahel 2k18.

Jocelyn gettng told off at every turn was also very nice to see. First by Magnus and then by Jace (who had moooore than enough reason to tell mommy dearest where to shove it). And in general I wish the show would allow more shadowhunters to be called out like that because that was so fucking real and well-deserved?? It left me 😍 for a good 10mins afterwards.

Speaking of the love of my li- I mean Magnus, as usual he was the best part of the episode (you might as well get used to it, he will always be the best part of any episode fro me). Like I said, I loved seeing him going off on those idiots who pissed him off and seeing his devotion and concern for Alec was just heartbreaking (especially when nothing he tried worked in any way). Seeing him lose his cool and lash out was also interesting and my god, the way he dealt with Raj - gggaaah, that was so hot, I cant handle it.

And since we are on the subject, what IS that guy’s deal? I mean he seemed weirdly unconcerned that a fellow shadowhunter was about to die, even a bit gleeful? Does he have some kind of grudge against Alec? Now that I think about it, he was the guy who Izzy attacked to save Meliorn in s01, right? Maybe because of that? Anyway, I’m adding that to his incredible stupidity in deciding it’s a good idea to piss off the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

The last bit that I found interesting was the flashback with Izzy and Alec’s convo about being parabatai with Jace. I found that rather frustrating to be honest because of the implications it seems to give off. Like Alec tells her he cant go through with the ritual and Izzy realises that he’s in love with Jace... and then proceeds to list Alec’s good qualities and telling him he’ll find someone to love him completely someday. Which is nice and all, I guess, but doesnt really follow logically from the previous bit? Like what does Alec getting a new love interest at some point in the distant future have to do with his feelings for Jace now? That doesnt help him with his problem right now! I guess the point she was trying to make was that there are plenty of other guys he can fall in love with later on but he might never find another parabatai again which ok, fair enough. But the implication it gives off that I mentioned really annoyed me is that it treats Alec’s already existing feelings for Jace as less important than some hypotetical feelings he might develop for another person in the future. Which is bullshit. I guess this is the start of the show trying to retcon that Alec was never ~reeeaaally~ in love with Jace and to downplay those feelings as compared to whatever he has with Magnus (kind of hard to do when you keep writing Alec the way you are).

And onto the most annoying (and telling) part of the M@lec subplot so far - the kiss. *sigh* I dont even want to explain my issues with it. Do I need to? Like there cant be someone out there who sees this as a positive moment for the ship, right? I mean if true love’s kiss doesnt bloody work for your couple, then... what else is there to say? Yes, I know it wasnt as simple as that, parabatai blah blah but like come on. Do we really believe that if the writers really wanted to portray M@lec as this epic love story like fandom thinks, they wouldnt have found a way for the kiss to work? Or just did it anyway even if it made no sense at all logically? The fact that Magnus’selfless act of love didnt work but Jace’s did... that just says all there is to say, I think. And dont even get me started on the way it was shot with the literal darkness on screen that made sure there was nothing to see. Just uurh.

Other highlights include:

“Alec is like this because he tried to help me find Clary” - no, he fucking didnt, you lying manipulative woman

“The Clave can be reasoned with, werewolves cant” - ahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

“Our side doesnt kill werewolves” - see above^^ reaction

“I dont like to be rushed” - HOT DAMN

“My phone died, amongst other things” - aah, vampire humour