#also thinking about it in terms of gay sexuality too because ofc i am

[heartshapedgreen]

gahh been finding so many great commentators/essayists on youtube & tee noir is becoming such a fave

like "that's just really coded for 'find your place as a sexual being in this world' because sexuality isn't something that you choose and then explore as a woman, sexuality chooses you because you're a woman" + the analysis on woc having to perform within a dichotomy, with one end a projected hypersexuality and the other end a purity they're not allowed to embody, because they're racialized before they're seen as women... much to think about

and then this alongside megan thee stallion's cobra analysis video is just chef's kiss

[gottagobackintime]

I've seen some people say: “Trent shouldn’t have been gay, he should have just supported Colin anyway.” And it's such a weird (and bad) take.

Had Trent been straight we wouldn’t have gotten the scenes we did. Colin could have opened up and told Trent how he felt, but Trent wouldn’t have understood, he could have been supportive. But he wouldn’t understand where Colin is coming from. But because Trent is also gay he knows what it’s like being in the closet, living with fear and dread. Living with thoughts like “if I tell the people I love about my sexuality, will they hate me?”. You can’t get that from a straight ally, no matter how supportive and well meaning they are. Because they don't know what it's like. We need straight allies, we need all the straight allies we can get. But what Colin needs RIGHT NOW is someone who, while not a professional athlete, is involved in the world of football. Knows about homophobic fans, knows that there are a culture of toxic masculinity and homophobia in the clubs. That is why it’s important that Trent himself is gay.

Colin almost got runover by a cyclist in his desperate attempt to run away from Trent at the gay bar. But the relief when he understands what Trent is saying "I must have a good reason for that, mustn't I?" is so clear. Trent is also queer, Trent is safe, I can let Trent in.

And I think some people might read that line as "I haven't outed you because I'm gay too, but if I had been straight I would have" which isn't what Trent means, Trent is using that phrase to be subtle, to let Colin come to his own conclusion, because Colin is stressed out, he's scared. By letting Colin think for himself it gives Colin an opportunity to calm down (which is also why Trent holds his hands out as if calming a frightened animal, he also makes himself slightly smaller by bending his knees and leaning forward slightly). And he does, he realises what Trent is saying and he calms down. It's also an added layer of security it's not just, "I haven't outed you" it's "I haven't outed you because I am also queer". A straight person saying that they haven't outed you doesn't hold as much weight as a queer person saying it. Because you know that the queer person knows how important it is to be safe and to come out on your own terms wheras a straight person, especially an eager well meaning ally might try and encourage you to come out because "hey, it's gonna be fine", even when that's not the support you need at the moment (there are ofc exceptions, both when it comes to straight people and queer people).

But because Trent is also gay, Colin now has someone in his corner at work, who knows him, knows his secret. Who also carried that secret himself once. We’ll most likely get straight allies in the other players and the leaders at Richmond.

So no, Trent shouldn’t have been straight. Because that is not the support Colin needed at that moment. He needed queer solidarity.

[hanjisungs-bigtittyg0thgf]

Awaken

changbin x felix

Trigger warnings: none that i can think of but please feel free to correct me if i missed anything!

Content warnings: names (baby, good boy, angel, sweetheart, pretty boy, tiny baby), a little biting, mirrors, slight hair pulling, size kink (kinda?), oral, begging, cum sharing, praise, very brief mutual masturbation, very brief finger fucking, verbal teasing, hand holding, anal, a hint of a breeding kink, belly bulge, desperate lix, ass slapping, mild dacryphilia, one (1) dry orgasm (idk it was hot to me lmao)

Summary: changbin fell in love with his best friend, felix, and now felix wants to be his first guy.

Word count: 9332

A/N: so this is written from changbin’s pov and it is actually the first ship fic i wrote (at least the first ship fic i’ve written since high school). i actually wrote it before asking for pride fic requests last year and contemplated keeping it for myself or putting it on my ko-fi but felt it was too good not to share. and ofc i had to go with the classic friends to lovers trope because that’s just the kind of person i am lmao anyways i’m almost done with my next pride piece and i’m working on the three requests i received! i hope you all enjoy this and please feel free to give a follow! be sure to drop your feedback in the comments and please look forward to what i’ve got in store for you!! also i’m revamping my tag list so please submit an ask, send a message, or leave a comment if you’d like to be added to that! thank you all for your support <3

I don’t remember when it started or even how it started, if I’m honest. I just know that one day I woke up and the first thought on my mind was how pretty Felix would look with a morning blush. I’d had passing thoughts about his beauty so I paid it no mind, I was comfortable enough in my sexuality to recognize an attractive man when I saw one. Then the dream came rushing back and flooded my senses. I felt guilty as images of my best friend writhing around beneath me appeared in my mind.

I remember thinking “What the fuck was that? I’m not even gay. Why did I dream about fucking my best friend? And why am I hard?”

I remember being disgusted with myself as I rubbed one out in the shower, visions of Felix with his eyes squeezed shut and his jaw hanging open as he cried my name swimming in my vision. I remember icing him out for a few days, afraid he’d somehow know I’d had a wet dream starring him. I remember being terrified and ashamed of what I was feeling. That dream made me reconsider my sexuality.

Over the course of a year, I’d fought with my feelings for him and tried to ignore both my crush and my sudden shift in sexual preference. But he made it so much easier. I never told him who was making me feel these things but he made me feel safe. He helped me figure things out. He knew something was wrong when I started avoiding him at first and when I finally confided in him, he was nothing short of an angel. He stayed up with me several nights when I was having a hard time coming to terms with my sexuality and he assured me nothing was wrong with me. He told me that he’d had the same struggle a few years ago and he took his time to accept it but once he finally did, it felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders.

I followed his lead and allowed him to show me what it meant to truly embrace who I am. He even took me to my first gay bar. I don’t remember much about that night to be honest. I remember getting there and ordering a few shots; remember Felix suggesting a mixed drink. But that’s about it.

I woke up the next morning in his bed, wearing only my boxers. I was mortified but he took it all in stride and when I shuffled into his kitchen, he offered me a smile and a plate of pancakes before telling me he’d washed my clothes because I got sick right outside his apartment building. I was horrified and ashamed - less so when I found out we hadn’t fucked, but still embarrassed - but he was so kind and I found myself getting flustered every time he offered me a smile over breakfast. I was acutely aware of my nakedness in that moment but he paid it no mind. At least that’s what I told myself when his eyes lingered just a little too long on my ass while I took my plate to the sink.

That had become routine over the last year- the clubbing, not the puking and waking up naked at his place. I’d grown comfortable with myself again and had simply accepted that I had feelings for my best friend. That I have feelings for my best friend. As in, present tense. They never went away and I learned to be okay with it.

This leads to my current predicament. I’m a confident man. I’m aware that I’m good looking. Sometimes I turn myself on. Maybe that’s conceited but who’s it really hurting? Because of this, I sometimes take pictures or record myself jacking off. My camera roll is full of dick pics and videos of me begging for Felix to come ride me.

And now Felix is looking at me expectantly from his position beside me on my bed, both of us slumped against the headboard. “Oh come on! Lemme see how it turned out!” He nudges my shoulder with his as his smile betrays him. He is pretending to be exasperated but he can’t pull it off. We’ve just taken a photo together with some dumb filter and he wants to look at it. Except he’s been known to scroll a bit before and I’m afraid he’ll find the video I recorded only a few hours earlier. “Pretty please?” He resorts to pouting and begging and my heart flips at the way his bottom lip pokes out.

I can’t say no when he looks at me like that and he seems to know since he always does it to get his way. I usually don’t mind indulging him but I’m anxious as I hand him my phone. “Fine. But don’t scro-”

“OH MY GOD THAT'S YOUR DICK-” He shouts as he drops the phone in surprise and my face feels like I’ve just opened the oven without leaning back first; I’m on fire. I try to grab my phone from where it landed on his chest but he gives me an evil smirk and holds it out of reach. “Who’s it for? Did you finally get on one of those dating apps I suggested?”

“Absolutely not. I-”

“So why do you have dick pics?”

“Do you not?”

“Not my dick pics.”

My eyes widen a bit and I look away, embarrassed by my train of thought. How many guys had sent him nudes and how many did he save? I’m not sure I want to know. I shake my head and hold my hand out. “Give it back, dude.”

He ignores me and scrolls through the photos of me fisting my cock before he finally stumbles upon the video. I jump to grab my phone, panicking this time, but it’s too late. We both go silent as my voice calling his name fills the room and I can see his cheeks reddening. After a moment I snap out of my trance and snatch my phone back, clearing my throat awkwardly. “That wasn’t for you…”

Felix, of course, throws another curveball at me and I have to force myself not to physically shudder at his tone. “Clearly it was for me, you were moaning my name while you fucked your fist.” I’d never heard him say anything so…nasty before. He usually keeps things pretty PG.

“Lix, don’t-”

“Was it me?” He suddenly asks as he sits up. His tone isn’t accusatory or panicked so I take it as a good sign and let out a sigh as I nod. I know what he’s asking.

“Yeah. You were the one I had that dream about.” I rake a hand through my hair and look away. “Look, I don’t want things to be weird, Lix, can we please just pretend this never happened?”

“Nope.” He pops the ‘p’ and I sigh once more. “I had my suspicions, you know.” His voice is gentle as his small hand comes to rest on my shoulder. “I wasn’t oblivious to it. I just wanted things to unfold on their own. I didn’t want to push you when you were still coming to terms with everything, but I knew.”

My face is on fire yet again and it only gets worse when he pushes me back against the headboard and straddles my waist. His usually-inviting gaze is dark now, hooded as he looks down at me from his position on my lap. His freckles seem to stand out more with the soft blush dusting his cheeks. When his lips part, I immediately give him all my attention - as if he didn’t already have it. I hang on to his every word. I always have.

“I’ve thought about it too, you know.” His voice is a low rumble and it makes my head spin. “I’ve thought about how you sound; about how you taste, how you feel. I’ve spent so much time thinking about it and wondering if I was the man you dreamt about.” My dick twitches to life in my athletic shorts, though I’m terrified to admit I’m getting hard over this.

He’s leaning in close now and my heart is hammering in my chest. “I’m tired of just thinking about it, Binnie…” He whispers, his hands sliding from my shoulders, down my chest and abs as he leans closer to whisper in my ear. My muscles jump under his touch. I’ve always been pretty sensitive but it seems I’m even more responsive when it comes to him. “I wanna act on it.” His teeth ever so gently clamp down on my earlobe and my hands fly to his hips.

“Lix-” my voice is strained, surprising even me. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how he manages to work me up without even trying. My fingers dig into the material of his loose sweats as a wave of arousal crashes over me. Before I can speak, he grinds his ass down on my semi and I can’t suppress the low groan I let out.

“I know you wanna act on it too, Binnie.” He whispers by my ear before allowing his tongue to soothe the area he’d just bitten. “I know you’re watching me in that mirror right now too.” He adds as his plump lips trail along my jaw and I have half a mind to deny it but that desire flees with his next question. “Do I look pretty on top like this?” His teeth rake over my skin and my grip on his hips tightens yet again as I watch him in the mirror that hangs over my bed.

“Fucking stunning, Lixie.” I rasp out, squeezing his hips as he sets a slow, steady pace. The sound he lets out at both the name and my touch makes my heart pound. I don’t watch him much longer, opting instead to turn my face towards his neck and press a series of kisses there, nipping at his skin after the final one. He fucking whimpers and my dick throbs against his ass.

But then he pulls away and sits up. I watch him in confusion, almost pouting when he pushes my hands away. “I can’t take it.” He whispers as he whips his shirt off. “I need you. Right now.” He looks back down at me, his warm blonde hair hanging in front of his eyes. He pushes it out of his face before reaching for the hem of my shirt.

I let him start to undress me, growing amused at just how frantic he’s becoming. “Relax, baby. We have all the time in the world.” I tease, flashing a smirk at him as I reach for him again. I pull him into me and he squeaks in surprise as our bare chests meet, his hands flying to my biceps. I can’t help but flex a bit. He whispers a soft ‘hi’, which I return as my fingers begin to trace circles on his back. He looks so pretty when he shudders at my touch.

I grow serious after a moment. I’ve never been with a man before. I’ve had plenty of sex but it’s been about a year since the last time and that time was with a woman because I was actively trying to deny my feelings for him. It’s not that I’m afraid or uncomfortable, I just need him to take it slow so I can learn his body; learn how he likes to be touched and how this actually works.

He can sense this. His eyes widen a bit, which is fucking adorable given his flushed cheeks, and he lets his hands slide up my arms to rest on my shoulders. “Am…am I your first?” I give a slight nod and his expression grows fond, a soft smile settling on his thick lips. “I’ll try to be patient.” He teases and both of us give a soft chuckle before my arms tighten around his waist.

“Can…” I start and bite my lip pensively. Should I ask for his permission? I mean, surely he won’t mind it since he initiated everything. Still, I ask. “Can I kiss you, Felix?”

His nod is almost imperceptible but I see it. He doesn’t make a move to lean in and I move one arm from his waist. Everything is still as we stare at each other, my free hand coming up to his face. I brush my knuckles along his jaw and he shivers, his breath hitching as I lean up towards him and let my hand cup his jaw. “I’ve spent so much time thinking about this.” I mimic his previous statement when we’re only a centimeter apart and his lips curl up into a soft smile before I bring my own lips to meet his.

It feels like the stars have aligned. Everything feels right when I’m kissing him. He tastes like the blue raspberry lollipop he was sucking on earlier - distractingly, might I add - but I’m certain he’d be just as sweet without the lingering taste of candy. I swipe my tongue over his bottom lip and he lets out yet another whimper, making my dick twitch again.

He slowly pulls back for air and I peek out at him, noticing a tiny smile on his lips again. “You taste like candy.” I whisper and he lets out a soft giggle, making my heart melt.

“So do you.” He whispers back. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.” He adds before crashing his lips back to mine. His hands are on my neck now, his thumbs resting just in front of my ears as he splays his fingers out on my feverish skin. This kiss is more urgent, more passionate. I let my hand move to the back of his head and suck in a deep breath as he nips at my lip. His hips begin to move again and the hand I’ve tangled in his sunny tresses becomes a fist.

His elbows are tucked in and it almost feels like he’s trying to make himself smaller. Does he like to feel small? I almost melt over how endearing he is but I manage to hold myself together. I can make him feel small and cared for.

I can’t help but give his hair a soft tug as I sweep my tongue into his mouth. He lets out the prettiest whine and reaches one hand between us, palming at the front of my shorts as he stills his hips. He’s growing frantic again and I can tell he’s desperate to be touched right now.

He doesn’t let me explore his mouth for too long, instead urging my head back so he can trail kisses along my throat. His lips work down my neck and just as I release his waist so I can slip a hand into his sweats, he begins his descent down my body. Molten lava fills my veins and I freeze in place when his lips trail down my chest while his hands make quick work of my shorts. He doesn’t tug my boxers down just yet, opting to tease me through the thin material. After lifting my hips for him, I look down at him.

I watch as he settles on his belly between my legs and admires the strain in my boxers. He props himself up on one elbow while he runs his free hand along my thigh. He turns and presses a kiss to my other thigh, dangerously close to my dick. “Lixie-” I hiss and he simply hums, allowing his lips to press more tender kisses to my skin and then the material of my boxers. He looks drunk now.

His hand rests on my hip as he begins to mouth at my barely-concealed hard-on and I let out a low groan. He leaves a series of sloppy kisses on the front of my boxers before closing his lips around my clothed tip. I suck in a ragged breath at the sensation and let my head fall back against the headboard with a dull thud. “Felix, please-” I sigh.

I don’t know why I anticipated him to refuse and continue teasing me, but that’s not what happens. He instantly gets up on his knees and urges me to lift my hips, which I do with no hesitation. My cock springs free from its confinement and I hiss slightly. I lift my head with all the strength I can muster and watch him settle back in before wrapping a small hand around my dick.

Something in me is screaming that I need to watch, to take in every second of his attention on me, but it’s becoming hard to hold my head up. The anticipation is driving me up the wall. My breathing is ragged as he gives a few strokes before making eye contact and wrapping his lips around my angry red head. I let out a soft sigh as his tongue swirls around the tip and my eyes slip closed. It’s only just started but this is already the best head of my life.

Then he takes me as far as he can and I feel like I’m floating. The sound that escapes me is choked and draws an amused hum from him. I allow my head to fall back against the headboard once more, the thud much louder this time, but force my eyes open, watching in the mirror as he throats my dick. I take in the way his head bobs over my hips and how his back is arched ever so slightly with the way he’s propped up. I admire the way he has one leg hiked up while the other is stretched out straight.

Between the slurping sounds and the way he’s rutting against the bed, I feel like I’m going to combust. He pulls off to breathe but continues to jerk me and I feel a bubble of disappointment settle in my belly. I know why he stopped but fuck it felt so good. He presses a series of kisses to my hips and thighs as he catches his breath and I almost have the strength to look back down at him but then he swallows me whole again and I almost pass out.

He’s working faster now, with more vigor, and I can’t dream of containing the noises he seems so set on drawing out of me. “Fuck, Lixie, slow down-” I groan, tangling a fist in his hair. He lets out a whimper at the tug and I notice how he bucks his hips harder at the contact as I’m watching his reflection. “I won’t last-”

He pulls off and stops moving, staring up at me. “Look at me.” His voice is oddly demanding and I can’t bring myself to deny him. I lift my head and make eye contact. “Sit up. I want you to watch me make you cum.” I have half a mind to flip things and pin him down, to teach him a lesson for getting so bossy with me, but I let it slide because I’m admittedly desperate to feel his mouth back on my aching cock. I resituate myself without a word and he gives a satisfied sound. “Good boy.”

“Thin ice, Lixie.” I warn and he lets out a soft giggle.

“Worth a shot.” He hums before growing serious again. “I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve gotten off to the thought of sucking you off.” He sighs almost dreamily before taking the tip back in his mouth. He looks up at me as he hollows his cheeks and swirls his tongue yet again, his hand working the rest of my cock. It’s clear he’s set on making me cum before I get the chance to fuck him, before I have the chance to get him equally as worked up.

He’s about to have his way. The knot in the pit of my belly is dangerously close to unraveling and I can’t stifle the noises he’s drawing out of me.

That knot comes undone the second I feel his free hand move to fondle my balls. “Fuck-” I almost drop my head back but the desire to have this image burned in my mind is stronger. Wave after wave of arousal floods my body as I shoot my load into his mouth, his fingertips just barely teasing my balls. I watch as he swallows my cum, my body on fire as he continues to work my dick until I’m about to beg him to stop.

He pulls off right before I open my mouth to stop him and licks his lips. He doesn’t say anything, just pulls himself to his knees and moves up the bed to kiss me. My arms are around his waist and his hands rest on my neck like before. I taste myself on his lips and when I sweep my tongue into his mouth. I’m straining up to kiss him as he’s towering over me and part of me wishes he’d sit down instead of standing on his knees. I don’t voice this, opting instead to focus on how good it feels to be with him like this.

My hands trail along his back, my fingertips ghosting over his skin, and he shivers. How cute. I let my fingers dip past his waistband and he sucks in a shaky breath, not once pulling away from the kiss as I give his bare ass a squeeze. I push his sweats and boxers down in one go and he finally breaks the kiss, looking down between us as his cock springs free. He presses his forehead to mine as I reach between us and he gasps when my callused hand wraps around his dick, his jaw hanging slack.

I realize this is the first time in my life I’m touching a dick that isn’t mine and I feel like a curious teenager all over again. I give an experimental tug, touching him the way I like to be touched, and he whines softly. The sound goes straight to my cock and I decide I have to keep hearing it. It’s just too pretty. He’s just too pretty. “What do you want? Tell me what you like, baby.” I whisper and his breath hitches. I can’t tell if it’s because of the name or the way my hand is working his hard-on, but I’m beyond caring.

“Just- just want you, Bin…” he whispers back and I shake my head.

“You know what I mean, Lix.” I gently nudge him back so I can meet his gaze and his face is bright red. How fucking cute. “I can’t just go for it without you telling me what you like and what feels good. I’ve never slept with a guy before. All the experience I have means nothing in this context.” My voice is gentle, not scolding. He already looks flustered enough.

He nods and swallows thickly as he tries to form a coherent sentence. I know the way my hand is slowly jerking him is making his mind run blank. “I-I’ll show you how. Just…please don’t stop-” His words are cut short by a surprisingly high-pitched moan when I dig my thumb into the slit. “Fuck- definitely don’t stop.”

I can’t help but chuckle softly at his response, feeling empowered by his reaction. “You like it when I do that?” I tease and he nods vigorously. “Words, baby. Tell me, do you like it when I do that?” I may sound like an ass right now but I don’t really care. I’m feeling high from this and every sound he makes pushes me closer to losing myself. I want to hear him say it.

“Y-yes!” He moans out, ducking his face into my neck. “Yes, I love it when you touch me like that. Want you to do it again. Please?” He’s quiet, his voice muffled by my shoulder, but I hear him clearly. I can’t deny him anything. I’ve never been able to deny him anything, even before I was nursing a crush on him. I dig my thumb in again and he lets out a choked sound, bucking into my hand.

He whimpers in distress when I release his cock, his head snapping up from my shoulder with wide, bleary eyes. He looks entirely dazed and disappointed at the loss of contact. Confused even. I sooth him with a quick peck before pulling him against my chest and flipping us so he’s on his back.

He looks pretty staring up at me like this. He always looks pretty, of course, but I’ve wanted to see him under me for so long now. I stare back at him for a moment before ducking down to kiss him. He moves to wrap his arms around my neck but I gently pin his wrists to the bed and he lets out a soft groan.

My lips move to his jaw and I press a few soft kisses there before beginning my descent. I nip at his neck and press chaste kisses to his collarbones; allow my tongue to flick over his nipples, earning a tiny squeak. “Let me hear.” I pause, looking up at him. I can tell he’s holding back and I want to hear every sound he makes. He nods slowly and I peck the center of his chest. “Good boy.” He keens at the name and I grin to myself. “You like being called a good boy, don’t you Lixie?”

“Fucking love it…” He whispers, his head falling back against the headboard. He’s more slumped than I’d been so I can just barely see his face as I move down his body. “Wanted to hear you call me a good boy for so long.” He sighs, allowing himself to get lost in the sensation of my lips on his skin.

“Yeah?” He nods and hums out a soft ‘uh huh’. “I bet you were thinking about it while imagining blowing me, weren’t you?” He gives the same response and I let out a quiet laugh as my lips ghost over his abs. He’s got well-defined muscles, which is a pleasant surprise for anyone who is blessed to see him shirtless.

His dick twitches as I kiss his hips and he whines softly when I don’t immediately touch him. I’m somewhat nervous now as I settle on my stomach between his legs. Again, I’ve had plenty of sex, but never with a man. I’m curious. But I’m also so unsure of myself. I wrap my hand around the base of his cock and hesitantly lick the tip, propping on one arm the way he had only minutes prior.

He gasps softly at the sensation and I do it again, looking up to gauge his reaction. His eyes are screwed shut, his brow furrowed as he focuses on my touch. His lips are parted, allowing puffs of air and soft sounds of pleasure to escape. Slowly, carefully, I wrap my lips around the head of his cock and he lets out a whine so stunning I think I might just pass away.

“Please- more-” He gasps out and I tentatively flick my tongue. “J-just like that…” he whispers, assuring me I’m doing this right. I repeat my actions over and over, my hand working the rest of him, until he’s a worked up, whining mess. I pull off briefly and his head snaps up, his eyes flying open. Before he can ask why I stopped, I lock eyes with him and allow a thick string of drool to drip down from my mouth and onto the tip of his cock before spreading it around with my hand. He whimpers helplessly at the sight and I feel his dick throb in my hand.

Without breaking eye contact, I take him back in my mouth with more confidence than before and set out to finish him off. I want to taste more of him. I ease myself down his cock, taking him as far as I can manage before gagging a bit. He’s nodding at me now, assuring me I’m doing a good job, and my mind runs blank. All I can think about is making him feel good. I finally have him right where I want him - under me - and I’m determined to make this worth it for him.

I repeat my actions over and over until he’s desperately tugging at my hair and bucking his hips. Every time he shoves his cock down my throat, I gag around him and he lets out another pretty moan. He’s losing himself now and I feel powerful yet again. Then he starts begging.

“Please- oh my fucking god- ‘m gonna cum-” He moans out, letting his head fall back against the headboard.

Immediately, I pull off his drooling dick and repeat his previous statement, though my tone is much more demanding. “Look at me. I want you to watch me make you cum.” He lets out one of the most distressed sounds I’ve ever heard from him and quickly complies, propping himself up on one elbow so one hand is still free to tug at my hair. “Good boy.” I coo and take him back in my mouth.

His jaw hangs slack as his grip on my hair grows tighter and tighter to the point it’s painful. I love it. I find myself rutting against the bed just like he had earlier as I dig my tongue into the slit. The sound he lets out isn’t simply a moan, it’s a cry. He’s desperate for release now and he’s so, so sensitive. “A-again! Please- do it again-” He begs and I can’t dream of denying him.

The moment I repeat my actions, I feel his cum against my tongue. I take it all but I don’t swallow. I want him to get a taste of himself. I move up the bed as he comes down from his high and immediately press my lips to his, much like he’d done earlier. I gently grip his chin, urging him to open his mouth. He complies eagerly and I use my tongue to push his cum into his mouth, sharing it with him. We exchange it back and forth for a few seconds before I pull away and swallow what’s left.

“I don’t know what the fuck that was, but it was hot.” He giggles breathlessly and I chuckle softly. If I’m being honest, I don’t know what came over me just then, but it was one of the hottest things I’d ever done. I realize we’re staring at each other but I don’t dare move.

Things are still again, like when I asked to kiss him, except now he’s smiling up at me. We’re comfortable now, less on edge, but I’m far from done with him. I bring my hand to his face and run my thumb over his cheekbone as he leans into my touch, his eyes slipping shut. “You’re so pretty.” I whisper and his cheeks go a soft rose color.

“You’re prettier.” He whispers back, looking up at me. I chuckle and shake my head before he gently pushes me back. I sit up, slightly confused, and he rolls onto his side. I want to pin him back in place but I also have no clue what he’s doing. “You should really learn to put these things away.” He teases as he reaches for something on the other side of my bed.

It’s then that I realize I left my lube laying at the top of the pillow, tucked just far enough out of sight for me to forget its existence. It had slipped between the pillow and headboard, just barely peeking out. I let out a soft huff of laughter and move to take it but he playfully swats my hand away. “Sit.” He gestures to the headboard and I comply, moving to sit with my back against the cool wood.

I watch as he grabs a couple of pillows to recline on and pops the cap on the tube. “I’ve always wanted to put on a show for you…” he murmurs, his legs falling open as he squeezes some of the candy-scented lube onto his fingers to warm it up.

“How fitting. I’ve always wanted to watch you put on a show.” I smirk and he lets out a soft huff of laughter before whimpering quietly as his middle finger circles his entrance. His face scrunches up cutely as he slowly works himself up, soft sighs slipping past his pillowy lips.

After a few minutes of teasing, he carefully presses his middle finger into himself and makes yet another beautiful sound. God I wish I were the one touching him like that. Maybe he’ll let me…

“Fuck, baby, you look so pretty like this…” I groan, watching as he finger fucks himself open for me. I wrap a hand around my dick and watch as he tries not to get too far ahead of himself.

“Yeah? How pretty?” He whimpers, adding a second finger as he looks at me. I see his cock twitch upon the realization that I’m enjoying what he’s doing and my gaze lifts to his face.

“So fucking pretty, baby. The prettiest.” His jaw drops and he lets his head tip back. It’s interesting to see just how much my words affect him.

Then he lets out a whine of frustration. “Can’t reach-” he huffs and I’m all too eager to offer assistance.

“Want me to take over, angel?” Stars fill his eyes at the name as he nods enthusiastically, immediately pulling his hand back to give me access.

“Please…”

I waste no time in grabbing the lube and squeezing some onto my fingers as I bring myself to my knees between his legs. I notice him tense and I pause, worried he might be uncomfortable. “Is everything okay, Lix?” I ask softly, still coating my fingers and warming the lube as I speak.

“Hmm?” It’s then that I see his eyes have become glossy and half-lidded. “Oh- yeah, everything is great.” He smiles up at me but I don’t move so he elaborates. “I was getting ahead of myself.”

“Aww, lost in thought about how it’ll feel when I fuck you?” He nods vigorously and I smirk as I lean down, propping myself up on one hand which is planted by his head. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, you won’t have to wait to find out much longer.” His face goes bright red again as I slip my hand between his legs.

In reality, I’m just as worked up as he is and I’m nervous. I’m talking a big game for someone who has never fucked a guy before. But I’m encouraged by his reaction as I press a slick finger inside him.

His jaw is still hanging slack and he lets out a soft whine. I’m honestly a little surprised by his reaction. He’s already stretched himself a good bit so it’s not a shocking sensation or anything. Is he really that affected by my touch? “C-curl-” He urges and I do, earning a high-pitched moan as my finger comes into contact with his prostate.

With a renewed sense of courage, I begin to finger fuck him, repeatedly dragging my finger over his prostate. After only a minute, he begs me for another so I give it to him, watching his face contort in pleasure as I hover over him. I lower myself down and begin to press kisses to his neck, earning sighs of pleasure.

But then he grabs my wrist, pushing my hand away, and I freeze. “Can’t- fuck, I can’t take it-” He grabs the lube as he speaks and puts more than a generous amount on his palm before wrapping his hand around my hard-on. “Please just fuck me already-” He begs as he coats my dick and it twitches in his hand. He looks up at me with a sly grin. “You like when I beg, Binnie?”

My cock throbs again and I instantly pull my fingers out of him and place my hand over his, bucking my hips when he digs his thumb into the slit. “I fucking love it, angel. Love that name too.” I see the stars in his eyes again and gently push his hand away. He takes hold of his own dick with his messy hand, biting his lip when I line up.

I slowly push in, watching as his lips part and he lets out a soft gasp. I’m short circuiting now. He’s tighter than any woman I ever fucked and now my jaw is hanging slack like his has been since he saw my dick pic. “Oh my fucking god, Lixie…” I choke out before I’m even halfway in.

My face screws up in pleasure and I hiss softly as my hips meet his. I don’t know if he wants me to move yet or not but I have to stay still for a moment or I will finish too early, I can feel it. “Binnie…” I manage to force my eyes open and his expression almost makes me lose myself. He’s staring up at me with half-lidded eyes, his pillowy lips parted and allowing little puffs of air to escape. “Kiss me…” He whispers, following it up with a soft ‘please?’ as he gives his cock a tug.

I don’t need to be asked twice. I plant my free hand on the other side of his head as I dip down to kiss him, making a mental note to change the sheets before letting him settle in for the night. Our lips meet and he tangles his free hand in my hair, giving a soft tug.

I groan against his lips and he continues to pull until it hurts. I wince at the pain and stop my hips from moving as he riles me up. He doesn’t seem to like this and gives another tug. He continues to give sporadic tugs as my tongue sweeps into his mouth until I finally buck my hips. He lets out a broken moan against my lips and I pull back so I can hear him fully.

“Gonna sing for me, pretty boy?” I tease as I snap my hips forwards, earning a loud, whiny ‘uh huh’ as he nods. “Tell me how you want it, baby.” I whisper, giving shallow thrusts as I listen for his response.

“I don’t care.” He groans, working his hand a bit faster. “I don’t care how you fuck me, Bin, just please make me cum.” He begs in a pathetic tone and a thrill runs through my body.

“Any way I want?” He nods and I sit up between his legs. I gently push his hand away from his dick and press his knees towards his chest, my hands supporting him so he can just relax and feel everything I’m doing to him. “Lix?” He looks up and I catch his eye. “Tell me if anything is off, yeah?” I’m so worried I’m going to mess this up somehow. Maybe it’s because it’s Felix, my best friend and the man I’ve had feelings for for over a year, and not just some random guy.

“Of course.” I breathe a sigh of relief and he bites his lip in a failed attempt to conceal a tiny smile. “But don’t expect to hear anything but moans.” I’m slightly taken aback but entirely flattered that he has so much faith in me.

He’s about to encourage me to carry on when I suddenly snap my hips forwards. His jaw drops and his head falls back to the pillows, a quiet moan slipping past his plump lips. “You mean like that?” I tease as I set a steady pace, suppressing my own sounds save for the soft cursing under my breath.

He nods frantically and I just barely notice him wipe his hands clean before holding his legs just above where I’m holding. “Please touch my cock, Binnie. I need it. I need you to touch me. Pretty please?” He begs as I begin to speed up, feeling more confident with every gasp and moan I draw from him.

I release his thighs and wrap my right hand around his dick, stifling a low groan as he lets out a breathy moan that vaguely sounds like my name. My gaze is volleying between where we’re connected, my hand tugging at his pretty cock, and his face, which is screwed up in pleasure. My hips falter slightly when I realize he looks just as pretty as he did in the dream that started this whole mess.

I quickly regain my rhythm and tap his hand, signaling him to release his legs. Once he does, I urge them around my waist. My left hand rests on his thigh, close to his hip, and I massage circles on his feverish skin with my thumb. “F-faster-” He chokes, one hand fisting in the sheets while the other blindly searches for my left hand.

He stops my absentminded motion and takes my hand, lacing our fingers. My heart races at the simple gesture and I give a gentle squeeze as I pick up the pace, hips pistoning at a pace I forgot I could reach. I’m about to speak but every thought leaves my mind when I look down at his leaking cock. Just past that, I notice a bulge that appears every time I slam into him.

“Holy fucking shit-” I hiss as I watch in wonder. A new wave of arousal crashes over me at the sight and I’m hit with the urge to breed him; to make him wholly mine. I know it makes no sense but I can’t help it. “Lixie, baby, you’re so fucking perfect…” I groan and he squeezes my hand.

I release his dick and ghost my fingers over the bulge appearing in his belly with each thrust. He whines in disappointment at the loss of stimulation but lifts his head when he feels my fingertips on his skin. He zeroes in on what I’m fixated on and I feel him clench around me, drawing a loud moan from me. “Oh fuck-” His jaw drops as he watches, precum dribbling on his skin at the sight, which only makes it hotter. “Oh fuck ‘m gonna cum-” He warns and I instantly wrap my hand back around his cock, set on finishing him off.

I’m fighting to stay composed as I fuck into him. I want him to cum first. And he does. He lets out a cry that resembles my name as cum spurts across his belly, his grip on my hand tightening as he shudders in pleasure. I don’t stop jacking him off until he’s trembling and squeezing my hand almost painfully. Finally, I release him. “Where do you want it, bab-?”

He doesn’t even let me finish speaking. “Inside. Please cum inside.” His tone is desperate as he begs and he sounds close to tears. Not being able to refuse him, I let go.

My thrusts become sloppy and a moment later my orgasm crashes over me. I rut into him desperately, my entire body overtaken by a euphoria I’ve never experienced before. I’m pinning his hands above his head as I fall into him even before the ecstasy has passed, hips still jerking as I crash my lips to his in a desperate kiss.

He moans against my lips, squeezing my hands as my hips slow. Finally, I still as my tongue dips into his mouth. He still tastes like that blue raspberry lollipop from earlier.

I hum as I pull back for air and he bites his lip as he looks up at me. We stare at each other in silence, both of us praying that this isn’t a one time thing but neither of us willing to ask. I release his hands in favor of playing with his hair after pushing it out of his face. “You did so good.”

“Mm usually I’m the one giving the praise, sweetheart.” I tease and he giggles softly, bringing his hands to my cheeks and tracing my cheekbones with his thumbs.

“Well I’m the one with more experience so I get to dole out praises this time.” He sticks his tongue out playfully before smiling up at me again. “Seriously though, you’re fucking amazing.”

I lean down and peck his lips again before sitting up, pulling him with me so we’re still chest to chest. I’m vaguely aware of the way our bodies are pressed together, his cum smearing across both of us now. More importantly, I’m aware of how the change in position drives me deeper into him; aware of the tiny gasp that slips past his lips.

“I think that’s you, baby.” I whisper and peck his lips again. I can’t help myself. I’ve wanted to kiss him for a whole year now.

He goes quiet for a moment as he looks at me and I wonder what he’s thinking. Before I can ask, he’s tipping us over and I’m landing on my back beneath him. “No, it’s you. I can’t get enough.” He whispers and rolls his hips.

I hiss at the motion and plant my feet on the mattress, trying to tighten my grip on him to hold him still while I buck into him, but he pushes my hands away. He grabs my wrists and pins my hands by my head at first, pulling back so he can look down at me. My softening dick begins to stiffen again and I make a mental note to contemplate exactly why it was so hot to be pinned down by him when he’s the most obviously submissive man I’ve ever met. Then he releases me and sits up properly on my lap.

“What have you done to me?” He whines softly, lifting himself up so just the tip is inside before dropping back down. I raise an eyebrow as my hands move to his hips and he tips his head back, looking up at himself in the mirror. “You already wrecked me, why am I still so fucking horny?”

I can’t help but chuckle at his complaint. “What? Tiny baby needs to be filled with cum again to feel satisfied?” My tone is mocking and I can feel the effect my words have on him. He clenches around me as his whole body tenses and I see his eyes slip shut in the mirror as he makes a pathetic noise.

“Yes! God yes-” He moans, pushing into my touch when my hands move to squeeze his ass. “Want you to fill me up again. Wanna make you cum for me again…” He babbles on as he lifts himself up and drops back down, letting out what almost sounds like a squeal.

He sets a steady pace like this, a symphony of the prettiest sounds I’ve ever heard falling from his lips as he rides me. His head lolls around, alternating between watching himself in the mirror and looking down at me. I can’t tear my eyes away from his body, fixated on the way his muscles contract and the bulge that appears as he fucks me.

I don’t know what possesses me to do this, but I slap his ass and he jolts on top of me. His dick twitches and he moans out my name. He leans forwards and places his hands on my abs, balancing himself as he rocks back on my dick. I buck my hips and he whimpers. “No no no, lemme do it. I wanna do this. Wanna make you cum…” He argues and I can't deny him anything so I comply.

It’s difficult to stay still but I settle for guiding his hips. His head hangs as he rides me, his moans growing increasingly desperate each time our bodies meet. My body is on fire at the slight overstimulation but I welcome it.

Felix doesn’t seem to be faring as well. His moans have turned into cries and he tries to hide his face from me by tossing his head back as he sits up. I see it though and I notice the tears. I’m worried but he’s still going, lifting himself up with much effort and dropping back down in a heap. “Baby, do you need a break?”

“J-just a little…” he wipes his cheeks but doesn’t stop moving. “But I wanna keep going.”

“Why don’t you let me take over, Lixie?” He shakes his head and I gently squeeze his hips. “Please, angel?” He freezes at the name and nods after a moment of silence.

I immediately sit up and make him lay back before pulling out, some of my cum leaking out of him. I don’t bother asking him to roll over, I position him myself. I put him on his belly and push one leg up, like the way he’d laid while sucking me off. I grab his ass and see him clench around nothing, whimpering at my treatment of him. “Please fuck me, Binnie…” He whines out and I squeeze some more lube onto my dick before I line up.

I push into him and set a rough pace, giving his ass a slap as I listen to his wails. His hands fist the sheets as lewd squelching and the sound of skin slapping fills the room. He lets out a pretty sob every time I slap his ass.

My gaze bounces back and forth between his ass - I can’t help but admire the way it jiggles every time I slam into him - and his hands twisted in the sheets. He looks so pretty on display for me like this, crying into my sheets. It’s better than any dream I could’ve had and my dick twitches inside him. Fuck I’m close.

“Fuck- Binnie, please cum inside! Please- want you to cum first and fill me up-” He begs and my dick twitches again.

“Yeah? Gonna take it all like a good boy? Gonna cum and make a mess of my sheets?”

“Yes!” He sobs and I can't help myself. I give in to the fire licking at my skin and cum, relishing in his moans as I fill him up. He shudders beneath me as he joins me, his body jerking with the force of his orgasm.

I don’t stop until I’m on fire, until I can’t take it anymore. He’s trembling now. I pull out slowly and he makes a small sound of protest. I lean down and press my lips to his shoulder, kissing there several times before sitting back up. “You did so good for me, baby. Took it so well.” I coo as I gently roll him onto his back, only to discover he’d had a dry orgasm.

“Yeah?” He asks hopefully and I nod, leaning back over him and swiping my knuckles over his cheeks to dry his tears.

“Yeah.” I offer a small smile before pecking his pouty lips. “Why don’t you let me get you cleaned up and then we can snuggle?”

“How about I go get cleaned up while you change the sheets and then we cuddle?” He laughs softly, taking in a shaky breath afterwards as he stares up at me in what I can only describe as adoration.

“Do you want me to help you to the bathroom?” I ask as we both sit up and he shakes his head.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” He assures me as he stands. Part of me deflates a little because I want to dote on him, but that part is pacified when he turns around and plants his lips on mine. I rise up on my knees as we kiss, pulling him against me. I frown a little when he pulls back. “I’ll be right back.”

I nod and watch him walk into my en suite bathroom before pulling myself from my trance. Holy shit. I fucked my best friend.

I get up from the bed and quickly pull the sheets off, using them to wipe his cum off my stomach and clean my dick. I toss them in the hamper and grab a pair of boxers, pulling them on before going to the closet to get fresh sheets.

I’m wrestling with the fitted sheet when Felix comes out of the bathroom and grabs his boxers from the floor. “Need a hand?” He teases, his usual glow back tenfold.

“Maybe a little.” I chuckle and he helps me quickly finish making the bed before crawling under the sheets. I join him and prop up on one arm, resting my head on my hand. I take a moment to admire him, his bright eyes framed with long lashes and full lips that could easily put any Bratz doll to shame, before speaking. “How long did you know?”

He takes a moment to take me in as well before answering. “I only assumed, but ever since you told me you had ‘an intimate dream about a guy’ after icing me out for two weeks. It made sense. I wondered why you avoided me but then you told me you had that dream and I guessed it had something to do with me.”

“Then…how long have you thought about sleeping with me?” I might be pushing my luck but I’m curious.

“Long before you ever questioned your sexuality.” He scoffs at himself and looks down at my bare chest with a ghost of a smile, his cheeks going a soft pink. “I think it started that day at the park when we were in high school. Remember that picnic we went on? You were by my side the whole time and you complimented me a few times. You just looked so good that day and you were so laid back and fun, I couldn't help but admire you. That never really changed though, you being carefree.”

It’s my turn to blush now. A smile creeps onto my face as I listen and I finally wrap an arm around him, pulling him against me. “That long?” He nods and I kiss his forehead. “You must’ve known something I didn’t back then.” I tease.

“No,” he laughs. “I used to lament the fact I had a crush on the straight guy.” He snuggles into my chest and lets out a soft sigh. “Part of me wondered if I was ever obvious about it. I don’t know if I ever acted weird around you. I feel like I did.”

“If you did, I never noticed. You’ve always been a sweetheart, I just figured you were extra sweet in private with everyone.” I laugh in spite of myself. How did I never pick up on it? To be fair, I thought I was straight until a little over a year ago. “It’s endearing.”

“It is?” I can hear his smile in his voice.

“It is. Everything about you is. You’re the resident sunshine, after all.”

“I like when you call me stuff like that.”

“Yeah?” He nods. “I think ‘angel’ is your favorite, hmm?” He nods again and I kiss the top of his head before laying my head down. “Cute. Well I’m glad you like it because I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

“You better not.” He’s pouting now, I’m sure of it.

“Don’t worry, baby, I won't.”

“Good. You better keep calling me your baby.” I can’t stop the smile I’m wearing from growing wider.

“I will because you are.” I hum. I don’t know what we are but I do know we’re more than friends and I do know I’m never getting over him. “Sweet dreams.” I whisper when I notice his breathing even out.

Whatever this is, I’m content to hold him in my arms for the rest of the night.

[zeravmeta]

whining about personal irl introspection stuff

since my friend groups mostly consist of trans peeps it always has kind of wormed its way into my head my own thoughts abt my gender and stuff but like for my whole life ive always been pretty comfortable as a cis dude and like for the most part despite growing up with very traditional parents ive also never really felt pressured to like follow the same gender roles they have like my parents are basically the one foot in the door type where like if for whatever reason hypothetically i come out as trans and gay double whammy them my dad whose a pretty Mans Man type of guy would still love me but i know he'd think that he did something wrong (out of ignorance not malice he would absolutely maul someone if they made fun of me) vs my mom who would also be accepting but it would become the next hot topic of her friend groups gossiping and neither are malicious but ive also seen them make themselves suffer over their own gender roles (men do this v women do this) and like i honestly think the reason i dont put much stock into gender as a concept is because most people focus on the roles aspect of it and even with my best efforts ive never really deprogrammed that out of them but honestly above all else im lazy as hell and wont impose more arbitrary rules like that onto myself so when i say im cis im not cis plus im like cis hasnt touched the personalization settings and forgot the login and ofc this would also bleed into ideas like romance and sexuality with aforementioned roles and when it comes to romance this leads more into my experiences with my asshole brother who would always be bringing girlfriends and bragging about being a sex beast but he could never hold onto a relationship and was always dumped and cheated on multiple times (and with modern context and Adult Brain i know its likely because he was a fucking asshole) while my parents would always argue but theyd also been together for 35+ years and wouldnt trade each other for the world so neither of those would be a good reference point for romance but this one also came down to me Not Really Caring where I wouldn't mind a romantic relationship if it happened and im p sure if I liked the person enough to where said stage of romance would even be happening i would invite it but im also not really agonizing over it and can be pretty comfortable being without a partner and on the sex side of things this one is a little weird because ive also Not Cared about it however i know I do have desire for people so im not ace and when it bleeds so intermittently with the romance aspect i just kind of assumed i was ace for a while in my teens until i learned the Words and Terms and such so i was like oh huh i guess i just dont seek romance and thats not the same as liking other humans physically and on that front i guess im just ok with any type of partner so like with neither of these considerations ever being a factor for gender or presentation esp when im a 6ft behemoth of a guy with a strongman body build and never had any type of body dysphoria with that i was and honestly still am perfectly comfortable just being a cis dude and for the past decade it has literally not changed im here for a good time not a long time

anyways this is a very long winded wordy way of saying that im pretty sure im cis aro and bi/pan because ive never cared about gender never wanted a partner and also i appreciate mens tits and cockenbalsen too much to be straight and this post came about because I was thinking of getting an anime man body pillow cover and was imagining the scandalized looks on my parents faces lol

[willel]

I am going to be honest, as a queer person it also irritates me when I see the GA talk about Will, especially in the context of his sexuality and them not noticing it and saying he must like Eleven. But at the same time, I have to agree with the GA on one part, and that is the way the show wrote things in terms of Will's sexuality (and his whole character... but that's another topic), they made it so subtle that most of the audience missed Will was gay. He doesn't even come out to Jonathan, and the fact that the scene between them both was also an afterthought left a bad taste in my mouth. The van scene happens so quickly into the episode too, so it has like a couple of minutes at most and then the audience's focus is shifted to the main plot. It isn't centered or anything, it kind of seemed like they just wanted to show it and then quickly move to the 'real things' to me. That's ofc partly dependent on how the Cali plot is overall written and their lack of screentime and focus compared to other plotlines, but the scene feels very out of touch with everything else going on, and on top of that the confirmation is not that obvious either, so it feels sort of weird. Most of the audience didn't notice the scene and didn't understand it because of the writing choices imho, so I really cannot fully blame the audience for their criticism and lack of noticing things.

But the thing is, it was not that subtle at all. You didn't have to be a super analyst to see the signs.

I am someone who likes critically thinking about the media I consume, but I often completely ignore the romantic aspects of characters. Most popular media these days boil down to a straight romance with a love triangle that didn't need to exist but the writers couldn't think of any other way to make it exciting.

I also don't put a lot of thought into character sexualities because it's always either a case of super straight no question about it, straight but the writers thought it would be fun to imply they're not, or gay in an almost stereotypical way that executives wanted to cash in on.

To me, Will was none of these things. He was just... an average kid in the closet. I started to pick up on it in season 2, mostly nearing the end. Joyce was teaching him how to dance at the ball but she was the lead which is usually what a guy does. Will clearly and obviously had no interest in dancing with that girl and it wasn't because she called him zombie boy. And finally, "every smile you fake" playing when he was on screen as the Mind Flayer, who was just inside his mind, was hovering over the ball.

It was then I went, "Ah, Will isn't straight. Not sure what he is exactly, but it's not straight. And the monster probably knows it. "

How can anyone not notice those things? You have to be blind not to see the signs. I don't think the writers need to be particularly overt and blast it in peoples faces, people should be able to pick up on those clues in my opinion. Especially how awkward Will was being with that girl compared to every single one of his male friends.

And then you got season 3??? How can anyone possibly think "It's not my fault you don't like girls!" and Will's absolutely devastated reaction to it could mean anything else? You really think a teenage boy would be on the edge of tears and have an emotional breakdown in the forest just because his friend said he doesn't have a crush or a girlfriend?

I mean I know teenage boys are emotional, but it was SO obvious what was being laid down and anyone who denied that was being purposely obtuse. People were arguing about it on reddit for years leading up to season 4 even though it WAS SO OBVIOUS.

And then in season 4???? No one has any excuse anymore not to see what was going on with him. It wasn't not subtle at ALL. I think even the straightest person you ever did see knows how a coming out scene might look like even if the words "I'm gay" are never said. That was the Will and Jonathan kitchen scene in a nutshell.

Maybe the writers could've done a few things here and there to make it even more obvious for the less observant people (like the cut script of season 2 when they had Will looking at Mike across the room dancing with El, though I feel they cut that because they were probably still debating on who would Will actually be interested in, Mike or someone new)

But I will not give the audience a pass at this point for missing what is right in their face. Especially when some of that audience is actively malicious against LGBT+ anything.

I do not advocate dumbing down our media or making things so overt that it's out of place so that people who refuse to analyze their media even a teeny tiny bit won't have to think at all. If a general audience member later realizes WIll was gay and says "Oh I didn't notice!", then their first thought should be, "Dang, I really missed that? I should rewatch and actually watch the show this time."

You don't need a big brain to consume Stranger Things. It's not as deep or complicated as some shows can get. But also, people shouldn't treat Stranger Things as the summer popcorn flick where they just go into the movies, laugh and giggle, and then forget everything as soon as the movie is over. There are too many people in the GA who treat it this way, ESPECIALLY after what season 3 turned out to be.

[sneezemonster15]

do you think kishi created karin so sk would be end game? were there any hints that sasuke and karin were in a relationship (i read a post where someone proves that they fucked☠️☠️☠️) before shippuden or that they would become canon?

No. Karin is thirsty for Sasuke. Like a lot of other characters. The point of it all was to show Sasuke was desirable to different people. For different reasons ofc. His character is inspired by the bishounen archetype so it's pretty much expected. For Oro to take over, Kabuto for experimentation. For Obito for his own vengeful ends. For Sakura to possess him because she thinks she is entitled to anything she wants. For Ino because she is a Sasuke fangirl. For Naruto because Naruto relates with him and finds a kindred spirit in him.

No, SK was not supposed to be endgame. I don't know where these theories come from. He never showed any interest in her or consideration for her apart from what he generally shows towards ALL his team mates. Including Sakura (in part one), Juugo and Suigetsu. Anytime Karin tried to show interest in him, which was mostly sexual, blatantly so, Sasuke sternly told her to get away from him, and/or looked mighty uncomfortable or puzzled. Which makes sense because he is GAY and loves Naruto. I heard something like there was a popularity poll about whether Sasuke would be paired up with Sakura or Karin and Sakura won the poll, so it became endgame. But I am not sure, it's possible it is a rumor. Narratively though, SK doesn't have anything, not from Sasuke's side.

The post you read about them getting busy, if I am right, was probably written by that silly homophobic Sasuke stan girl. Those folks simply want to make Sasuke straight so they can self insert into Karin and have themselves a nice bedtime fantasy. It's really not more complex than that. Although I will agree that Karin showed more genuine concern for Sasuke than Sakura ever did, that's for sure. The way she, Oro and Taka rescued him from Madara in war arc was pretty cool.

Karin, evolving a new power, being fearless and more importantly delivering on it too. Karin is also a fangirl, but still better than Sakura and Hinata, in terms of skills for sure. Lol.

[menalez]

Hi mena

I wanted to say something about the discourse about lesbians and bi women.

I am critical of both sides. From what I have observed the problem lesbians have with bi women is rooted in the internalized misogyny or homophobia that some bi women (like any other women) have. And that is a very valid reason to be wary of dating bi women. However, while I find the experiences and reason valid I don't appreciate the homophobic (or biphobic if that's what it is idk genuinely) sentiment that sometimes jumps out of people, like in this post-

https://at.tumblr.com/lavendergrrls/698940412613853184/2269lm3efq1o

(Btw I am not lavendergrrls just a person who follows her)

At the same time, I do not appreciate when bi women who have had negative experiences because of lesbians in their lives say lesbophobic things about how lesbians are big,mean bullies and predators who have no humanity. Yk that very well.

I am asking lesbians to understand that many bi women just like any other women are not inherently lesbophobic and when they display weird behaviors it's because of the fetishization of ssa women and misogyny that men force on them. Just the way a "sex worker" (even the "pro sex work" ones) is a victim of patriarchy and not inherently hurting all women as a class. So please it's a request to be careful of the language and phrasing you use when you see a bi women being a victim of the patriarchal and homophobic mindset. If I am wrong in this logic please correct me mena.

And I am requesting bi women to understand that lesbians don't even need any negative experience with bisexuals to not want to date you. It's not wrong to desire a relationship with someone who's exclusively SSA although I agree there are few homosexuals who don't date bi people due to prejudice. And there's no need to use lesbophobic stereotypes to insult lesbians. And it is possible to not generalize lesbians while criticizing an individual simultaneously.

As for political lesbians- idk if you're bisexual or straight or what. But how do you explain homosexuality in nature if sexuality really is a choice according to you?

Btw mena this isn't like a personal message to you, I just want to convey this message through you. So ofc I am definitely not accusing you of any of the above actions. In fact I appreciate how you have handled the yourselves in the past. If you don't want to publish this I respect that.

hey so im gonna respond to what u said specifically in terms of what i disagree with if that’s ok! i can tell you’re coming from a good place & all and im sure u have good intentions, that said, i still disagree with some of it.

this is the post u sent. i don’t think it’s biphobic, nor homophobic. i agree with the elaboration that by virtue of being both OSA & SSA, your experience of your SSA (&OSA) will inherently be different from people who only experience one form of attraction. do i think that means sth bad about bi women or that bi ppl love less or something else that’s negative about bi ppl? no, and i don’t think that was implied in the post so idk why anyone would be offended. then again idk what op exactly meant by it, maybe she meant something more malicious but ive never seen her say anything even slightly hateful to bi women, and i don’t think suggesting their SSA is experienced differently from homosexuals by virtue of also being OSA is wrong.

I am asking lesbians to understand that many bi women just like any other women are not inherently lesbophobic

i disagree with this, i think when we come from homophobic societies ofc we are going to be homophobic and this is gonna be especially more likely for OSA people, OSA women included. homosexuals are forced to confront our internalised homophobia bc it ultimately harms us, bi ppl too to a degree but they aren’t forced to deconstruct homophobic beliefs about being able to choose or exclusive same sex attraction etc in the same way that gay ppl are. we say that white ppl are inherently racist & men are inherently misogynistic not bc there’s some biological component to racism or misogyny but bc when ur part of an oppressor class or a class privileged over an oppressed class then u are more likely to take in and not examine prejudices against them which exist in society.

and when they display weird behaviors it's because of the fetishization of ssa women and misogyny that men force on them. Just the way a "sex worker" (even the "pro sex work" ones) is a victim of patriarchy and not inherently hurting all women as a class. So please it's a request to be careful of the language and phrasing you use when you see a bi women being a victim of the patriarchal and homophobic mindset. If I am wrong in this logic please correct me mena.

idk i feel like this is not equivalent. sex workers are directly being harmed by misogyny and by johns and pimps. they are being victimised repeatedly but they aren’t somehow harming women by being in sex work. they’re trying to survive and i don’t think the OSA women like that one woman who lured a lesbian into her house which ended w the lesbian being raped & murdered by the OSA woman’s boyfriend is necessarily doing it out of survival.

OSA women often will benefit from harming lesbians in various ways, sex workers don’t benefit from it they’re in fact the ones being directly harmed. maybe this applies to those rich women on onlyfans but not the avg sex worker who’s often a street prostitute or a stripper or in other fields of sex work that are traumatising & often even dangerous.

otherwise tho i agree with u and i do think there should be care in addressing bi ppl as well bc they’re still a minority group & face oppression on the basis of SSA, the same way i think ppl should be considerate when talking about idk moc for example bc they still face racism & are a minority (this doesn’t mean i think said groups shouldn’t be questioned or criticised or anything of the sort. just that there’s a line between valid criticism and prejudice)

[likearecordbb]

about your post on the recent discourse...

it's honestly so confusing to me because like,, you say that ppl pointing out how members of this fandom will make neil very stereotypically 'feminine' is reinforcing the idea of 'masculinity' as one thing and 'femininity' as another.... and i get that we should get rid of these labels. but at the same time... the content itself that ppl are criticising (the ones that 'feminize' neil) are already doing just that. that's why they're criticising it.

i can't point out how ppl are reinforcing the idea that a relationship should have a 'man' and a 'woman', without... saying that that's what they're doing. the writer themselves already sees relationships this way and 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as two different distinct things. that's exactly *why* they're writing neil this way while keeping andrew close to canon.

there's nothing wrong with neil being stereotypically 'feminine' of course. but to act like it's somehow misogynistic for me to go to these ppl and be like 'hey, u shouldn't view mlm relationships through the lens of a hetero one! it can be very harmful' is weird to me... *especially* considering these stereotypes that ppl are pushing onto neil come from misogyny themselves. (ppl making neil much much more emotional than he is in canon while keeping andrew very stoic)

idk, like... ur simultaneously saying that we shouldn't view relationships as needing a 'man' and a 'woman'... while defending people who are doing just that and creating content which reinforces just that.

it's one thing to say 'we shouldn't view masculinity and femininity as two distinct and different things!'/'we should get rid of these labels all together cause they're meaningless'... but if i look at the content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes... then i can't help but feel like ur not as detached from the idea of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as u would like to believe... i trust the ppl who say these ideas are meaningless while not changing the canon characters because they seem to be sticking to their words.

people will just say that they prefer writing andreil is this heternormative way... they'll just say it what they like or what they're most comfortable writing without ever questioning *why* they prefer it this way.

and if they're projecting.. well then, *why* this couple? why pick an mlm couple to project what is often the experience of a cis woman in a relationship? why pick this mlm couple when there are others that do fit the stereotypical heternormative dynamic? idk. like,, u can do this ofc, but ppl can also call u out on ur shit.

there's an undeniable reason that neil is exclusively the one that ppl pick to make more stereotypically 'feminine'. and there's a reason this type of content is also so popular. and it's certainly not wrong to point this out.

You know, I can see all of these points that you're making. For me, the overall issue of this is very complicated. I am also super uncomfortable with the imposition of heteronormative roles onto...well, onto any relationship, regardless of the identities of the people who constitute it. I was raised smack dab in the middle of the gay community by lesbian moms (together 38 years now, jfc, can you imagine??), so that "man/woman" thing was never something that I grew up internalizing or normalizing. I can recognize that this may give me a bit too much of a sense of objectivity.

However, I'm also like...I've been ruined by grad school. The "feminizing" word makes me really uncomfortable because it starts to stray for me into gender essentialism territory. It also seems to foundationally differentiate between "masculine" behaviors and "feminine" behaviors and I just really hate that? Lesbian moms, trans daughter, bi (and late-in-life trying to see where on the ace spectrum I might fall) self, I've just met so many people with so many expressions of gender and sexuality and I just... Idk, I automatically resist anything that feels like it's upholding "masculinity" and "femininity" as real (as in, not constructed) things. And then I also am like, well, I've known SO MANY gay men who behaved in the ways that the discourse constructs as "feminized" and then I start to feel like, what about these men? Are they less 'men' because of it? How would it feel for that man to read these things saying his identity expression was a problem or a bad stereotype? Do I read *Neil Josten* within that context... no, not really. I think Neil has a 'not enough emotional expression' problem way before he has a 'too much emotional expression' problem.

I'll say here what I often say to my students in complex discussions: I don't have answers. I don't think I'm right and anyone else is wrong. I just have complicated thoughts and feelings and concerns about some of the things that sometimes seem to be left uninterrogated.

So, I do 100% get the need to be vigilant about the imposition of a "man" (dominant, emotionally constipated, sexually driven, stoic) role and "woman" (emotional, needy, teary, dependent) role onto relationships with two (or more!) men or women. I would also argue that we need to get rid of that idea in hetero relationships, too, because it's super damaging. I just wish we could find a way to talk about that that didn't feel like it was accepting this idea of femininity as a given? And I definitely agree that it's problematic when the 'bottom' in a relationship is depicted as the one who's soft and silly and weepy. (Have you read TJ Klune's Tales from Verania series? A VERY fun world that does that not at all and it's great). I'm not saying these things are not worth confronting--I'm just really uncomfortable with the way the conversations are often framed around a concept of femininity/feminizing. It feels like shrapnel, I guess? Like, 'ugh stop feminizing Neil he's not weepy and uwu he's a badass' feels inherently to me like it's making femininity and badassery mutually exclusive? Maybe I'm just looking for a caveat or footnote in the argument that acknowledges that that is constructed *for women too*? And is a part of, like, a larger heteronormative patriarchal structure? And not something that we can just all obviously agree is the way the ladies (should?) behave?

One other question I've been dying to ask, though, is: where are these fics? I don't think I've ever read something where Neil is crying over Jack being mean to him or anything. Maybe if I start to see hints of that characterization, I just close the tab and never end up getting to the 'worst' of it?

Although, if what you said earlier about the "content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes..." was referring to me, then... idk what to say to that. I don't think that's what I do. The heteronormative relationship that you're describing isn't one that I enjoy, desire for myself (or anyone else), or have any interest in reproducing.

Does this clarify what I'm trying to say? I guess it's a really long way of saying, in the old insufferable grad school tradition: well, first we have to define our terms. Because I'm not sure we're all coming up with the same thing when we use the word "feminizing" and that probably has a lot to do with why we keep having this exact same conversation over and over and over again.

If I missed any specific point you'd like to pick at in more detail, please let me know--my very sad platonic life partner (who had to put her beloved 15-year-old poodle to sleep yesterday) and her mom are waiting for me to drive them to the stores for a distraction, so I'm feeling a little time pressure.

[golbrocklovely]

CONSPIRACY THEORY ! ( please don’t hate on me, it’s just my own observation, based on what I went through):

I don’t think Colby is 100% straight. I feel like there is a chance of him being bi or pansexual. I say it because first of all I didn’t saw him saying he is straight… if i missed something then sorry. All I remember is him saying that he didn’t have any “gay experience”. Which alone doesn’t say anything about his sexuality. He just said that he never done anything with a male. Second of all: I have been thinking about it lately, how Colby mostly got called out for “queerbaiting” and while i think that what he was doing with the whole BROLBY was 10000% wrong , because obviously he and B only did that for money and attention and I am mad at him for that Hovewer I do not think that all his actions could be queerbaiting. Because those “jokes” he made towards his male friends came up from him naturally. With Sam ofc it could just be their long term friendship, so they just can feel 1000% comfortable with literally anything. But Colby been acting like this not only around Sam and the fact is, he never stopped. He just slowed down a little bit.

I say it because recently i saw some person on one of social media accounts who said that they are no longer snc fans, because of never stopping gueerbaiting. But what if they do not? What if Colby is not doing it for attention, but because he ain’t 100% straight? I remember when i was finding out who i am. And guess what? I was acting almost the same way as Colby. And later on i found out that I am not really as straight as i thought. That i am in fact bisexual.

I feel like accusing them of queerbaiting just because they made some joke towards the same gender, when we don’t know what is going really in their heads is kinda rude. Only we ourselves know what we feel. Or sometimes even we ourselves don’t know ourselves as much as we thought ( read : me).

I mean whatever they are its not my business. And i do not like them for their sexuality. It’s jusf my own observation, but even if i would be somehow right, then I doubt he would ever admit it to a public ( or at least not in the nearest future).

colby said in his deep q&a back in dec. 2019 that he was straight and only liked girls.

personally, and this is just how i feel about the alphabet mafia since i am one too, i think there are a lot of gay ppl that say they want straight ppl to see us and what we do as normal, or maybe to not label us at all. we want straight ppl to understand that gender is a construct and that you're not less of a man if you wear a skirt or less of a woman if you act more "masculine", and that doing either of those things doesn't effect who you are attracted to sexually. we want all of that, but the moment someone starts following what we said, and they claim to be straight, we immediately think they're lying or that in actuality they're secretly gay in some way.

i'm not saying you're doing that. i'm just saying this as someone who was closeted for years but had very out and proud gay friends. it's strange to me how we want straight ppl to see what we do as normal but the moment they start to adapt or act like us, we can't possibly believe they are straight.

like back when i was closeted, me and my ex best friend were really into this show called "queer as folk". she is/was bi and she never understood why i liked the show if i was straight. and i told her that i liked it just bc it was a good show and i thought it was interesting to see the early 2000s but from a queer prospective. then when i came out a couple years later, she was like "omg it makes so much more sense why you like all this gay stuff". which…… ngl, was embarrassing to hear her say.

also as a slight tangent, and not at all related to your ask, both her and another friend of ours said it was "uncomfortable" that i liked drag queens and drag race. mind you, i wasn't sexualizing or doing anything weird about drag queens. i literally would just watch drag race occasionally and talk about certain queens i liked. but neither one of them liked the idea of me liking drag queens and wanted me to explain to them why i liked them…… i was like "yall do realize i'm a theater kid right? it's basically theater, but just one person doing it." not to mention i've always wanted to be a performer, and it's just cool so like, why do i have to explain why i like it other than that??? i had a very weird friend group in hs that were all on tumblr back in 2010s, so if you understand where i'm coming from, you know sometimes it was really hard to be around them sometimes lol but anyways, i digress.

back to your ask: personally, i think colby is just comfortable with himself and his guy friends. i think him being comfortable in his sexuality and not being afraid to do "girly" things or act flirty with his guy friends is an attractive part of his personality. the gaybaiting he used to do back in the day was bad, that's for sure. he has apologized, removed, and stopped doing all the things that related to gaybaiting. but i understand it's not my apology to accept. i just don't see how he's still doing it tho. i'm a bit confused bc i haven't seen anything that would make me think he's pretending to be gay in some compacity in the hopes of benefitting and profiting off of us.

i think colby has just slowly grown more comfortable with himself. maybe that means later down the line he's not completely straight. maybe that means he realizes he is straight, but is fine flirting with his guy friends bc he's comfortable with them and himself and his sexuality. if colby was outright flirting with gay guys, but then being repulsed that they flirted back, then i would get thinking he's gaybaiting or is doing something wrong. but he doesn't do that.

at the end of the day, whether he's straight or bi or whatever, i just hope he's happy.

[lesbian-vmin]

I don't know if I'm delusional. Between the songs Winter Bear, Sweet Nght, and Blue and Gray have the same impression. Tae is confiding or chatting with someone before his sleep. Am I wrong? If you don't mind. can you make an analysis about this.

Ah, I really try to avoid doing song analyses because I don’t want to make assumptions that could be a far stretch from the truth. I’m more than happy to analyze a song that’s confirmed for one reason or another, but I try to stay away from ones that haven’t been confirmed for any specific purpose.

Winter Bear and Sweet Night are both songs that I’ve thought of as Vmin songs already, in a theoretical mindset (since they’re not confirmed). As for Blue and Gray, this one goes on a different level for me. 

Because I do want to talk about the songs (and this ask gives me an opportunity to do so), I’ll do you the service of providing you with a real answer, but not without a disclaimer. So. This all just in theory. I’m not concluding the songs to have these meanings for sure, and I’m not confirming them as Vmin songs (because that’s not my place, obviously). But nor am I trying to convince anyone that they are Vmin songs. For the purpose of this analysis (as this is a blog that focuses on vmin) I will be treating them as such. Disclaimer disclaimer. Etc. Thank you. (Sorry. I’m sure the average reader knows all of this, but some people take things too seriously, as if they think people can’t speculate and have to believe every word they say. As if human minds aren’t complex. As if science would have progressed to us knowing we revolve around the sun without people questioning face value but okay)

(BELOW THE CUT)

WINTER BEAR

So, it’s pretty obvious this song means a lot to Jimin. He’s always pretty supportive of Taehyung’s songs, but this song seemed to really mean a lot to him. I’m not sure why? What is so different about this song compared to Taehyung’s other songs? Maybe it’s just his favorite? Or maybe there’s a reason it’s his favorite. I’ve wanted to do an analysis on this for a while, but I try not to go on assumptions on this blog, and I also wouldn’t know where to begin. But one thing is clear. This song holds a special place in Jimin’s heart.

One theory that I’ve seen of this song is that it could be about Taehyung’s grandmother, as it was apparently released on the third anniversary of her death (I didn’t know which day exactly she passed). Anyhow, I don’t think Taehyung has talked publicly that that’s the meaning of the song (and people assumed 4 o’clock was about his grandmother as well, even after Namjoon confirmed it was about a friend). 

I do, however, recall seeing a vlive where he said the song was inspired by a movie. And I’m thinking it was a romantic film. About a romantic love. (I will link it here if I find it again, but edit this if I’m wrong.)

Out of respect for his grandmother, and the possibility of the song having to do with her, I wanted to acknowledge that as one of the possible meanings. But, again, for the purpose of this ask, I’m focusing on the Vmin connection. (And the fact that I’m pretty sure Taehyung said it was inspired by a romantic film...but I might even have the song in which he said that about mixed up).

Anyway, I think the lines you are referring to is where he says “you sleep so happily. I wish you a good night”

Taehyung and Jimin seem like they often talk to each other when they have trouble sleeping. They even sleep together often (on camera, and because of Taehyung casually mentioning how he asked Jimin to sleep with him off camera -- and that one time Jimin said Taehyung came to his room after he had a nightmare, when he gifted Taehyung the dream catcher -- I’m going to say it’s probably safe to assume it’s normal for them to sleep together off camera, too).

SWEET NIGHT

When Sweet Night was released, I really got some pretty strong gay love vibes from the song. It could be because I, myself, am gay. But the song always sounded to me like it was two best friends who would sleep together (sharing the same bed, not in a sexual way) and one of them (Taehyung) wakes up one day feeling more. I always imagined that he woke up with the person he’s singing about next to him, but I could be wrong. Anyway, that’s the part that got me feeling it was a gay love song. Because, assuming it’s about Jimin, it’s pretty normal for them to sleep together. They’ve shared a room for a long time, and they often shared beds. It’s not so normal to sleep with your opposite sex best friend, waking up next to them. Unless you have a friends-with-benefits type thing. I guess. But even then, isn’t it a general rule that you don’t actually stay the night?

Another reason this song felt more gay than straight to me was the general confusing Taehyung is expressing. I’ve mentioned before that BTS is well aware of LGBT, but it doesn’t mean it was always like that. I think they became aware of a lot of things as they got older (like many of us do). Also, if both Taehyung and Jimin are gay, it probably took a while for them to admit it to each other.

Romantic movies set aside, I think it’s pretty rare for straight people to have such deep feelings for each other (or someone) and be totally unaware of it. Realistically. This is all going on my own experiences, but most of the straight couples in my life didn’t have to talk to each other for several months before they officially started dating. The gay couples? It was always really frustrating to watch them come to terms with their feelings for each other. Especially when one or both of them weren’t totally comfortable with who they were yet. 

Romantic movies will sometimes tell you a different tale, but they’re movies. And when they do tell a different tale, it’s usually a girl liking a douchy guy instead of her sweet best friend, only to end up with her bestie in the end.

Anyway, let’s talk about the talking while going to sleep part. This to me sounds like the two friends are lying in bed together (or maybe sitting). The one singing (Taehyung) has a lot going through his mind, and his heart is pounding. It sounds like him talking to this person this night is actually a confession. He woke up one day feeling different toward this person he was sleeping next to, and on some other night, he gets all of it off of his chest. I’ve seen a lot of people say that this is the story of a love that never happened, but I don’t see it that way. I think it’s an inconclusive story about a confession being made. We don’t get to hear the resolve.

Assuming it is a Vmin song, I think the resolve is a good one. Because I just think that Jimin would be pretty uncomfortable if Taehyung was writing romantic songs about him and publishing them, knowing that Jimin doesn’t feel the same.

BLUE AND GRAY

For anyone who doesn’t know, this is included on the list because it was initially supposed to be on Taehyung’s mix tape. It’s just that BTS liked the song so much, and he’s not selfish, so it became a BTS song instead.

This one, he’s looking for an angel because he’s having trouble sleeping. He mentions sending his words up into the air, and he falls asleep at dawn.

This song talks about some deeper issues like anxiety and depression, and it’s a song that’s really personal to him. I think the members probably know a lot of the story behind the song, and they probably know a lot about Taehyung’s struggles that led to this song. I think that’s why they liked it so much and wanted it to be part of the album instead of his own song.

I don’t necessarily feel right making this song about a ship, because it’s clearly very personal and talks about some issues Taehyung has had to deal with. However, his members (and his family, and I’m sure other friends) are his support system. (As well as the fans, ofc). He’s called Jimin an angel before, and we know that they often text or call each other when they have trouble sleeping. I’m not going to say that this song is about Vmin, but if Taehyung honestly has a lot of anxiety and worries while trying to go to sleep, I’m glad that he has Jimin to support him. It’s nice to have that friend who is always there for you, especially at times like that when you really need them. Maybe Jimin is the angel in the song. I don’t know.

[aphroditeslesbian]

hi

I was also raised 7th day Adventist and I’m a closeted lesbian. I don’t hate my religion..because I personally didn’t have a bad experience with it in my childhood, but it clashes a lot with my beliefs and well parts of my identity. I’m feeling a bit helpless because this religion has been a big part of my life, a lot of strong women I look up to in my life are sda, and my local sda community is very wholesome. And by now you can sense my reluctance in letting it go. I’ve been coping by thinking I should find a gay-friendly sda church once I move out.. if I ever get married. What’s your journey been like? 🪴

Hey! I don't meet a lot of sda online, it's interesting to hear a different perspective. I'm gonna go into everything, bc my experiences with sda really shaped me, and yeah, it's been a wild, not so fun ride.

Basically I was baptized catholic as an infant, but my family isn't practicing catholic. My mom is very religious, and wanted me to have a good education... In Brazil, we have very poor public education in primary and secondary school, and the best schools are the private ones... Which are also religious schools. So I wound up studying in a sda school from kindergarten to highschool graduation.

So from a young age (4 yo) I was raised on my school's religious beliefs. I was really involved, and my childhood best friend was also sda, she lived a couple floors down from me and we'd hang out often, and her family would bring me to church on Saturdays (there was a sda church across the street from the apartments we lived in). I was the staple Christian child, I prayed every night and every morning, apart from all the prayer at school ofc. At 8yo they did a talk at school about the importance of baptism, and I asked my parents to allow me to be baptized as sda. My mom surprisingly didn't want me to be baptized again, not so young, but my dad said I should do what I wanted, so I was baptized again at the school's church. Literally the school had an auditorium for our weekly religion-related classes, which we called "chapel", and was basically like going to church – but mandatory, as it was during school time. This specific school also had a church built on the side, so yeah.

During my early childhood through preteen years I had no issues with the school's teachings and sda ideology. It was all I had ever known, my family encouraged religion and we'd also sometimes (rarely) go to catholic church. I honestly didn't even realize people could not believe in god until I was 12/13.

I had never really heard much about being gay, or being anti gay during primary school - I may have forgotten having ever heard it from teachers. I only heard about homophobia from peers, and so I knew that being gay was a bad, evil, gross thing.

When I was around 11/12 we moved to a smaller town, and I started at a smaller Adventist school. I was the only one in my small newly found friend group who was baptized, and moving was very traumatic for me, so I started becoming less active in church. I became severely depressed because of the move and other stuff at home, and turned to the internet for a distraction.

I first heard about atheism from a youtuber, and he was known for his controversial takes (he's pretty nasty, it's only gotten worse with time but anyway). I guess a mixture of depression, becoming a teen, having my rebellious phase, I started researching into it.

My religion teacher (we had "religion" classes, but they should really have been called "7th Day Adventism classes") was much harsher than the one I had at my first school. This was around the time that Twilight was a big deal, and I read those books sooo many times for comfort, I got into Harry Potter etc. Not long after I moved to this school, we had a religion class about how Harry Potter was inspired by the devil. My books were often confiscated during class, even if I had already finished my assignments and was reading quietly, even if they were just on my desk. Being super depressed and introverted, with very few friends, books were my refuge. Having the teachers look down on them and literally say they were devilish and evil really started to shift my view of the religion. I knew these were good books, I loved them. So how could they be evil?

I have a very strong memory of praying and praying once and begging Jesus and god to help me, to give me a sign, because I was terrified of losing my religion, of losing god. All I had learned my whole life was that god is good, god is love etc. How come god wasn't helping me, my family, through some of the worst times? How come I was alone?

At around 12/13 my cousin came out to me as bi, and soon after another cousin came out as gay. I barely fully understood what that meant, and the internet was again where I researched about it. I realized I liked girls at the time, but I never understood you could even be married to a woman, as a woman. Even though I knew I liked and was attracted to girls, I never let myself think too much on it. The school was pretty obvious about how marriage is between a man and a woman, our "sex talk" was a class with our religion teacher. Bio talk was split, the boys left the room so we could learn about female anatomy and stuff, and then the boys had the room, etc. Our religious teacher was very adamant about how one shouldn't have sex before marriage, and marriage was between a man and a woman so...

Honestly the basework they laid was to erase homosexuality. I didn't even grasp that I could be anything but attracted to girls, I didn't realize I could do anything about it.

And then in highschool, I guess bc we were old enough, they finally started being outspoken about their hatred of gay people. There would be snide comments from the Portuguese/Lit teacher, a disgusting talk from the History teacher about how gay men's sexual activity leads to anal incontinence, the Religion teacher saying it was wrong, comparing it to criminality, the school's vice principal giving us a lecture and making sure to hammer in the worst thing anyone could turn out to be was homosexual.

At this point I thought I was okay with my same sex attraction, I thought these things weren't getting under my skin. But then I learned about being trans, and I came to the conclusion that since I was into girls, I couldn't be a woman. I identified as trans from around 15-19. That was internalized misogyny and homophobia, that was me actually letting all the snide little comments settle deep in me, and shape who I was.

Anyway, at around 14 I was done. School was teaching us that bastard kids aren't blessed by god (me and my siblings are all "bastards" as my parents were never married). They told us couples who lived together and we're never married were not blessed by god, and implied they were bound to have issues for their sin.

I was a teenager living in a broken home, my father was emotionally abusive to me and my mother, and honestly at the end of the day I had to choose if I wanted to believe in a god who was supposedly love itself, yet didn't protect me and my young siblings and my mom... Or not believe in god at all.

Leaving the church and coming to terms with not believing in god was one of the toughest times in my life. My depression was in the gutter, I was self harming, I was struggling. I remember thinking of my cousins, whom I was very close with growing up, and knowing they were good people, so how could god not love then? I remember thinking of myself, of all I had done for the church, for god, and wondering how could god not accept me.

For me, the church was poison. I only saw hypocrisy, I saw people who judged each other, who cared more about their own concepts of right and wrong than being mindful of others. I saw my teachers who preached being kind, but ridiculed and laughed at other religions and those who believed them. When I was questioning religion, I always had sooo many questions for my religion teacher and so often she just told me that some questions were too big for us to understand, that only god could fully comprehend himself.

I'm proud to have come out the other side, but I won't lie. The community that church represents does seem so lovely and welcoming. I wanted to be a part of something, and church offered that.

But at the end of the day, there's no space for me, a lesbian, in there. They don't believe gay marriage is okay, they don't condone our "lifestyle". They think this is a choice we're making, and a bad one at that.

The childhood friend I mentioned earlier, who I used to go to church with, actually came out as a lesbian a couple years ago as well. Her sda family is giving her a really hard time. She's left the church, last I heard.

Honestly, my advice would be to find other community. Find community with other lesbians, people who can accept you unconditionally, who can offer you support without small print. That's what I'm trying to do.

I personally am against christianity for a lot of other reasons besides my very negative experiences. Maybe that's not you, and in that case I guess finding a church that is LGB friendly can be the answer. I couldn't judge anyone for choosing to stay, because like I said I really understand how nice it can feel, how it's like you belong in this community, how it can feel like the church is family.

But I really suggest deep soulsearching, because in my experience all they ever did for me was suck all my energy, all my devotion, and spit me out when I was never going to be the heterosexual good girl they expected me to be.

Sorry for the super long answer, I hope this helps some? If you wanna talk more in private you can hit me up through DMs, I'm very willing to listen and talk about it.

[dasibom]

haven't read it but heard mostly very positive things about a little life, would be interested in why u think it's bad? (if u want ofc)

ofc i love talking abt how much i hate this book. i answered a similar ask on my old blog so i'm just gonna copy paste (with a little editing):

content and trigger warnings for rape, csa, suicide, self harm and abuse. both for the book and this post.

i have so, so many problems with this book. lets start with... the gay stuff. here’s an bit from a goodreads review (link) by Michael Flick, which says it better than i could. the whole review is worth a read, too.

“Some believe that this is “The Great Gay Novel.” That couldn’t be more wrong. There are only two recognizable gay men in this work, JB and Caleb. A creative queen and a violent, probably psychopathic, sadist. All the other “possibilities” are pedophiles (categorically not gay—that’s a sickness, an evil, that has nothing to do with being gay) or so hopelessly confused (and impotent) that you can’t know what they are (JB and Willem). The take on gay men here is antediluvian—a dangerous and discredited brand of heteronormative delusion in which all gay men, no matter the glittering surface of their lives, are fated only to die a lonely, miserable death. Caleb dies an excruciating death (so we’re told) from pancreatic cancer. JB, the witty, flamboyant, unstable, creative queen is merely a plot point. His happiness, told but not shown, at the bitter end doesn’t mean anything more than that. He’s a device to wring one more regret from you, one more sorrow. You can be assured that he, too, will die an ignoble death just beyond this novel’s last page. And you won’t be troubled or offended or titillated by the gay sex (or really any sex) here because there isn’t any: it’s the sex that dare not speak its name. All this is because the author knows absolutely nothing about gay men other than the most superficial stereotypes and doesn’t have the imagination to venture deeper than that. She can’t even imagine that a man (Willem) doesn’t need a woman to quench his sexual needs—he has a solution readily at hand.

other than this, i remember this book having lesbophopic language but i don’t own a copy and i'm not gonna search the internet for that.

basically the whole book is just pure torture porn. so many bad and traumatising things happen to the main character it feels unrealistic and i think the only reason it happens is because the characters life has to be miserable. that's the whole point of the book to me. there is no reason to so graphically include a ton of this stuff in a book other than shock value. some of this graphic stuff includes very extreme descriptions of self harm (mostly cutting but also other stuff), suicide (including possible methods), physical and sexual abuse (part of it when the main character is a child), violence and medical trauma. i’m afraid that there is a real danger to this book teaching people how to hurt themselves (or even stuff like where to hide the tools they do it with) and i can’t imagine what an actively suicidal person might get out of this book. it really, really concerns me. i’m afraid this book teaches people to not get help, to not go to therapy and get help if they’ve been traumatised and/or are struggling with living. i've been traumatised in childhood and i can imagine what someone younger than i am, someone more impressionable, could get out of this book. like seriously some very fucked up ideas, i felt like the whole thing about being traumatised, and the constant self harming and suicide attempts were presented in almost a romanticised way. obviously my opinion here isn't like objective, or something, cause i'm a person trying to recover and deal w childhood trauma, which still affects me every day, in several ways, and realistically, it will never stop affecting me, but the point is that although it was terrible and it fucking sucks, it doesn't mean i will have a life with no quality and will forever be unhappy and unable to cope. and this book so clearly disagrees with it. the fact that the main character is traumatised and that horrible things happened to him as a child feels like a death sentence when it doesn't have to be.

^ lmao a point i also wanted to bring up in this section is that not all of the shit that happens to the main character needed to happen because it's fiction and it's a made up story, like after some point when i was reading it and seriously messed up shit just kept happening and it kept on going i thought like... why? it servers absolutely no purpose after some point. reading a rape scene after rape scene stopped having an affect on me eventually and... that's not very good, is it? like, i'm trying to say, this is fiction, it doesn't need to go that far? at some point, a very early point at that, it was enough to get the message across that hey, what happens to this character is bad and fucked up, it didn't need to go on.

the whole book is also full of people enabling the main character to hurt himself over and over again and do nothing. every character is there to some way hurt the main character and people praise this book for being such a great tale about friendship. it is so pretentious and again, just pure torture porn. the book so clearly seem to think therapy and reaching out to people for help it bullshit!

i’m not saying you can’t write or discuss the themes that are present in this book but i just don’t think this is the way to do it. probably a therapist specialising in trauma should consult with the writer and someone should make sure the description of self harm and suicide will not harm anyone. i think there are guidelines made for that by people working in the field and i just feel like something like that would be of benefit here. like, i don't know, i don't have a solution, i'm just saying this is not it.

also, here is a link to the author literally saying she does not believe in trigger warnings. and i think those would have been extremely beneficial to have at the start of this book and i certainly would not have read it if it was for them. that would have saved me from so much triggering content that i did not want to read and i wish badly that i did not read. it seems clear to me the author does not have any idea how traumatic things can work, or at least that is what i think based on what she says. here is a link to an interview in which she says she does not believe in talk therapy. there, a point about a persons autonomy to end their own life is brought up which is a topic but if that’s what she wants to talk about then it should be done in clear terms and not with the only message “therapy doesn’t work if you’ve suffered enough trauma.” at least that’s how the whole thing seemed to me. like of course a persons own choice to end their life is a discussion i do think is worth having, but... that did not come across in the book.

lastly, here are some links i have saved about this book which i think point out excellent things if anyone wants to read more:

https://www.reddit.com/r/books/comments/a0e1yi/convince_me_a_little_life_is_a_good_book_please/

http://post45.org/2016/06/im-so-sorry-a-little-life-and-the-socialism-of-the-rich/

https://cannonballread.com/2016/07/narfna-a-little-life/

& you're welcome to ask me to clarify something or just discuss, this is a little bit of a mess cause i copy pasted that old answer and edited it a bit to hopefully word things better but like. idk if much of it makes sense

[chyuans]

          hello , hello  !   first of all ,  i’m super excited to be here even if i’m like 10 hrs LATE  ( gmt timezone things )  i’m noe ,  a gay  they / them at the age of 19 ,  and this privileged lil disappointment of a jock boy is gonna be filling the position of kong_01 . despite the rumours ?  yuanjun’s actually not nearly as bad as some of the people he’ll be meeting here >:)  but you’ll get to know more about that below  !  if you’d like to plot just light up that HEART , or add me on disc*rd which i’ll give out in im’s , where i’m infinitely faster .  if i’m not gaming .  no tw’s under the cut  .

* backstory. > many people know of yuanjun, but few people truly know him. he's the famous kong families’ son, heir to the kong legacy, now forward position for south korea men’s national hockey team - which brought forth a ton of international fame from back home and amongst hockey lovers worldwide. while his talent is undeniable, he is long overshadowed by his families’ accomplishments, forever reminded that he’d never be the perfect son they’d hoped for, and no one ever lets him forget it.

> being the child of business tycoons who’s art business seemed to never be on the decline, tended to lend itself to an unconventional, pretty lonely childhood. 

> although jun no longer wants to dabble in the stupid shit he probably did as a teen, and escape from their home in a childish fit of rage and make the lives of the various nannies that tended to him while his parents were off being great hell, he still wonders sometimes whether this profession is what he would’ve wanted if he’d just not wanted to spite his parents. he loves hockey - that fact is undeniable. he thanks the nanny who took him there once out of necessity to stop his whining, and he fell in love with it almost instantly. but he also questions whether he gravitated to it because it was something he could throw himself into wholeheartedly to fill a void.

> he's very open to different types of people, and after being scouted at 19 and having a massive shift both in culture and identity as he then begun to travel worldwide, he’s a tiny bit more wordly now than he was back then. he's much more concerned about who you are underneath than superficial appearances, which means developing relationships are few and far between, because a lot of people do approach him because of his fame/fortune. he's unjudgemental to the point where his friends worry about his naivety and how easily he trusts people, but he's absolutely not dumb, just very well versed on telling good people from the bad.

> jun may even come across as naïve, but he's very aware of that perception is nearly important as reality. he's not extroverted in a way that demands conversation, but he knows how to talk to anyone from any background even if its just to maintain pleasantries. after competing in various competitions and versing players from canada to japan, he's become much more sharp and ambitious, a guy who very rarely lets distractions take their course. perhaps it’s with this that his family loathe his choices all the more, with his appetite, he was born with the skills required to run a business - pity he never took to anything of the creative sort.  

> working in a fast, stressful, highly coveted job such as pro-sports is a full time job and then some; jun doesn't spend much time not working on it. outside of his schedule, he likes bettering his stamina at the gym and eating healthy. he likes being surrounded by authentic people or nobody at all. he’s not one for trying new things and having new experiences due to time management, tending to stick to a schedule.

> he gets a lot of bad press though, which is beginning to weigh a little heavy on him. doubly now the murder has people talking. from being accused of performance-enhancing pills, various personality scandals, to being linked with ‘dating’ (see: ruining the image of) idols and chaebol’s alike. right now, he’s currently battling a lot of unwanted publicity because of a misunderstood interaction online against a wealthy sweetheart that went sour. 

> while jun might be generally unsympathetic and analytical when it comes to developing relationships with people that’ll last long-term, he's a bleeding heart when it comes to kids who may have experienced the same lonely upbringing as he did, without the financial gains. right now he spends sunday’s teaching a bunch of local foster home kids how to skate, and is trying to fund a couple of sports scholarships for those who show promise under a fake name, just generally being a good ‘ole guy.

> his family do not approve of his job, ofc. in fact neither of his parents have ever attended any of his matches to this day, and are only on semi-decent terms with him because jun begrudgingly is still tied by name to the business and shows his face at events for all of 30 minutes until he physically can no longer maintain pleasantries. his celebrity image perhaps is one thing they can manipulate, and even then, jun could get into scandals galore and still be doing his job. good press, bad press, it has the kong’s family name at the forefront of peoples’ minds, which always brings forth revenue.  

> pros: could be a lot worse considering his upbringing, collected, and level-headed most of the time. wicked good at sports, and keeps a cool head in a tough situation. ambitious, curious, a little reckless. eager to prove himself, rich? and very endeared to people/places he finds fascinating. which are many. knows where the good, authentic chinese cuisine is. hardworking and very interested in the idea of Progress.

> cons: the most private person alive, will not divulge any palatable information about himself or his feelings. devil's advocate always. will put himself and others at an arm’s length the second he feels (disgusted noises) e-emotions (love, namely). gets bored easily. paranoid, leads with the head more than the heart. friends > > > family. a little self-involved, never fucking sleeps - will be that neighbour you can hear padding around above your apartment at 3.05 am like it’s mid-day, aaaaand Loves Winning Above All Else

* personality & relationships.

> like many others, jun has his fair share of surface-level friends. he’s quick to be interested in people, to get to know them better, but it's difficult for him to get closer than that after a childhood of being picked up and dropped by those who looked over him - which kinda has left him with abandonment issues.

> he’s a curator of neat things that aren’t too overtly complex, and that includes friendships. so if you have something unusual about you, whether it's a talent or a way of thinking, he would be inclined to get to know you better. also, he has a lot of leverage with his job. being friends with a sports star slash million dollar trust fund baby who can get you free shit never hurts, just don’t befriend him for the perks, yanno?

> jun is very dedicated to his vision of things, and can sometimes be very obstinate in the way he a) wants them to be done b) doesn't accept other options, think steve jobs. he's very mercurial and can be nice one minute but isn't afraid to switch to hardass boss to get things done and did.  > he is insanely competitive and his strive is drawn out by always wanting to be on top. truly first child material. that's the kind of guy he is, with standards that do not reflect his passive side too well, which sometimes can get him into some “personality” scandals. he is driven, motivated, always looking for ways to be winning.

> i'm sure someone is bound to hate him, he’s probably got a few accounts online dedicated to a steady stream of shit-talking, given his cutthroat status or holding many hockey cups.

> jun doesn’t think too much about his sexuality - he'd probably best be labelled as pan, but leans towards those who identify as women? because of his current placement in a workspace, and with a cultural identity, that both don’t often lend themselves to lgbtq+ rights, i doubt he’d ever make that public.

> he works amongst some of the fittest people in the world, he knows how to appreciate beautiful bodies, but he's not about to discriminate. he's tragically a committaphobe and isn't interested in anything long-term right now, although i think it'd be funny if someone tried. he's very open for flings and one-night stands and even a friends with benefits sort of set up. 

* wc’s.  >  bring me his baby bro and sis. i command u. i have many thoughts  >  somebody who maybe gets in on his foster-kid situation? idk maybe they have a perception of jun being what he is in the articles they read of him, but they see him and are like <3_<3 he actually real Nice huh. i see this being romantic but it could bloom a really nice, wholesome friendship too. >  enemies. not gonna lie, he doesn’t vibe with rich kids w / a stick up their ass, especially since a lot of the people he works with aren’t from exorbitant families. people who loathe him for declining to take over his families’ business? like the boy can’t even name more than 3 artists off of the top of his head?   > fwb except neither of them know what “just friends” mean.  > i would love if jun had a confidante. a best friend, a partner in crime, a total bromance 'cause i can never get enough of those. whatever label you ‘wanna put on it. wiping up each other’s messes. maybe a Betrayal in the works  > again, gonna be a wc, but i would love a “rival” of jun's on a similar level (or bigger)  that’s entirely fabricated based off of trashy articles or a misunderstood interaction online. bonus points if they’re an absolute sweetheart, well loved by most people, and generally the antithesis of jun with his multiple drug/personality rumours, which in contrast, make him seem like the bad guy. 

> party buddy. this guy hasn’t touched alcohol/cigarettes/any other stimulants since he was underage and wanted to rebel. the word “relax” does not exist in his vocabulary. Help

[nose-bl]

I’m angry for such a stupid reason, and I know I shouldn’t be but I am. Most of my lgbt+ friends are out to all their friends or a big part of them, and even to their parents. And I’m not, and I never will be. And I hate that but I shouldn’t, there’s no reason I should be out if I’m not ready, I know it’s just a societal pressure and it’s okay to be in the closet but I feel so bad that I will never come out to my parents. They’re homophobic, and certainly transphobic, they’ve already proven they wouldn’t accept me, they don’t even accept me right now so there’s no point in wasting my time with them. And my close friends know I’m queer but I haven’t come out as NB and I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that, I have vaguely talked about it to my closest friend atm but we’re not even that close so I’m still scared. I guess I’m just angry that they have been able to talk about that to their parents even a little, and they talk about it to each other and they can casually make gay jokes but if there’s even one person there that doesn’t know about me, then I can’t take part in it and be open about myself. I just hate being in the closet, and I know it’s for safety but I guess I just feel like I’m missing out? And it’s not like being out is all bright and happy, I know that at least for two of those friends they had to go through a tough time, I know one of them was actually outed to everyone else so ofc that’s not good or fun but now he can enjoy himself on his own terms which is good. But even so, I wish I was able to tell people and just be myself. And the biggest issue is I can’t come out as queer without coming out as NB, you know? Because then they’ll think “oh she’s a gay woman“ but I am not a woman, and my sexuality will be completely judged based on the gender everyone thinks I am. I just hate that. Maybe it doesn’t make sense but for me I just can’t be open about my sexuality without being open about my gender, that’s just how it is for me.

I also really miss having someone to really talk to about this. The first person I told I liked girls and never boys was my former best friend who probably just hates me now, and queer stuff was like one of the strongest things we shared together, and I just miss being able to be open about it with someone. I was never even able to tell her I am non binary, I didn’t even know back then, and I wish I could but it’s too late. I know she would have accepted me, and she’s the one person I truly felt safe with to talk about these issues. Honestly if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t even had been able to figure out I was not cishet, she introduced to so many lgbt+ stuff, from series to creators, artists, musicians, she really changed everything for me.

I don’t know where this rant is going honestly but yeah I’m just sad that I haven’t had the chance to be as open about my queerness as my friends and yes I know coming out is not a rule, it can wait until I’m ready and I don’t have to come out to people who won’t accept me and will probably just hurt me for it, but I think it’s okay to feel bad and angry about not being able to live my life as I want and as myself, and express myself and my gender the way I want and be open about it. I have our heteronormative and homophobic society to thank for that I guess, but yeah

[rimurutempest-bounced]

soft asks, im just gonna answer them all:

1. cherry - what is your sexuality?

gay

2. lollipop - favorite makeup products?

eyeliner. i usually like stuff by e.l.f.

3. daydreams - if you could be anything or anyone, who would you be?

assuming “shapeshifter” is off the table, i’d be an unkillable dragon.

4. october - what month were you born in?

september!

5. caress - do you like to snuggle?

rarely, actually! sometimes i like it and seek it out, but i have a capacity limit.

6. ivory - describe your pajamas?

uhhh, right now? grey t shirt and black shorts. sometimes nothing. sometimes t shirt and underwear. i dont have any specific pjs.

7. golden - favorite stationary product?

stickers. metallic paint pens and, like, gel pens are pretty high up there too.

8. freckles - most-worn article of clothing?

boots or poncho/shawl.

9. twilight - best friend?

@skulloflibitina​, @aftermidnightblue​, @papamoomin​(he’s my husband, so he’d better be my best friend)

10. silk - do you like k-pop?

i only know a couple of songs, and they’re all pretty damn old now. not into any specific bands. i love BoA though, just in general.

11. poppy - favorite pastel color?

lavender

12. dimples - most attractive features of a person’s face?

eyes!

13. sunkissed - autumn or spring?

autumn.

14. buttery - favorite snack?

probably seaweed snacks, i think. im picky though, some days nothing is RIGHT.

15. whisper - how much sleep do you get?

........not enough. usually maybe 6 hours? 

16. pencil - do you own a journal?

i do, but i never use it........

17. cupcake - are you a good cook?

yes! i rarely cook though.

18. honey - favorite term of endearment?

darling, beloved, sweetheart. in that order.

19. clouds - describe one of your favorite dreams?

i have a recurring one about being in a dinghy on a small sound and the water is so calm the surface is like glass. the sky is grey and heavy with clouds. im rowing, or drifting, to a point with a rocky shore, and when i get out, i walk into a beautiful forest(not quite boreal/taiga) and it’s warm and sunny and green. i walk to a stump, covered and surrounded by beautiful cushion moss, and i feel like someone very important to me is with me, but i dont know who.

sometimes there’s more to the dream, but often the other elements are stressful or upsetting, so. that much is really nice and calm though!

20. velvet - who was your first crush?

i guess a boy named ashton i saw during the summers for a few years. he and his family had a summer house up the street. i honestly cannot fathom why anyone would want to leave jamaica in the summer to stay in THAT neighbourhood, it was not a particularly special place imo. he was really nice to me though, and said i could call him my boyfriend. i think we kissed once or twice. his family was wonderful. i think the people who started staying in that house after they stopped going there were pretty rude, but my memory around that is kinda hazy. apparently i was so upset about his family not visiting any more that i keyed my name into the new peoples’ car? i got in trouble for it anyway.

21. paper - favorite children’s book?

the hobbit. or the last unicorn. or blueberries for sal. i dont know, i loved a LOT of books as a kid.

22. peaches - do you have a skincare routine?

nah. not really. i use a face cleanser/wash in the shower, but not with any routine.

23. mochi - favorite studio ghibli film?

princess mononoke.

24. backyard - did you ever have an imaginary friend?

yeah, i think so. i played alone a lot, but usually not with any imaginary friends. but i DID have a tiny pocket journal that i would write letters to my “friend in fance” in. his name was pierre i think. i dont remember writing his responses, and they were in completely different handwriting. even into high school i would sometimes write him a little note when i cleaned my room and found the book, out of nostalgia, and every time i found it, he’d written a reply. usually asking why it had been so long. i think he might have said some kinda creepy/wierd stuff, too. wonder what happened to that little book lmao. (it was a teeny tiny lisa frank notebook i think. with a little snap button clasp to close it.)

25. strawberry - favorite fruit?

obligatory, apples! also blueberries and mango. botannically, non traditionally for culinary speaking, avocado too.

26. kiss - have you ever kissed a friend?,

i kiss my husband a lot, but in a purely platonic way, uh. on the cheek, sure, plenty of times. on the lips, i think only once, and i was not comfortable with it at all.

27. nightlight - do you read before bed?

if social media, wikipedia articles, and/or video game dialogue counts, then yes. if only books do, then no.

28. shampoo - favorite scent?

mint and rosemary, for shampoo. in general, my fave scent is wood smoke. briney, salty, sea air is up there. and pine(especially balsam), cedar(technically cypress), juniper, sage, leather...........

29. skin - what distant relative are you closest to?

uh, idk what’s considered distant honestly. im not really close to most of my bio family, in any sense tbh. maybe my cousin faith? we rarely talk and she lives in north carolina, but i think probably her somehow, lol (she’s my 1st cousin though, idk if that counts?)

30. aphrodite - favorite actress/actor?

mmmmm.......maybe lupita nyong’o? or jason momoa. i also like michael b jordan, elijah wood, shia labeouf, dolly parton, daniel radcliff, robert patterson..... idk, i dont actually usually have fave celebs like that much.

31. cuddles - do you have any pets?

my son, a beautiful but not very bright fat clumsy goblin of a cat whom i love.

32. lace - if you own any dresses, which is your favorite?

no, even when i still wore skirts sometimes, dresses werent really my thing. i gave my skirts to my friend anna, and she still has some. my fave is probably the long, black skirt with autumny coloured vines and leaves. apparently the style of skirt is called broomstick, according to google?

33. sheets - sanrio or san-x characters?

i had to google the difference, but sanrio. they’re all cute though.

34. cream - frozen yogurt flavor?

usually taro! i also like just plain, tart froyo, or pomegranate. i generally go for fruity flavours, aside from taro. it’s also one of the only times i’ll sometimes opt for coconut, esp if it’s paired with taro!

35. watermelon - do films ever make you cry?

almost always. the genre DOES NOT MATTER. im less likely to cry watching horror/slasher/gore stuff (but im also less likely to watch those vs suspense thrillers/psychological horror anyway)

36. sapphos - favorite poet?

emily dickinson, i think. despite my love for simple rhyme and meter, i just love how evocative her writing is. each of her poems is so personal, but because of that, they’re pretty widely relatable, so it’s easy to resonate with them. 

im also very fond of frost and poe’s poetry(and poe’s writing in general, ofc)

honestly, this is making me want to just binge a ton of poetry by poets i havent read before. (if anyone wants to send me recs, PLEASE do.)

37. plush - how many stuffed animals do you still own?

i am not counting them, lmao. suffice to say, too many to count without a good deal of effort.

38. roses - what flower do you find most beautiful?

most beautiful i’d say wisteria, but my faves are chrysanthemums and hydrangeas. wisteria is my 3rd place.

39. sweetheart - favorite mug/cup?

i have a few i like a lot, but my husband bought me a World’s Best Dad mug that is a particular fave right now.

40. sunset - what are your pronouns?

exclusively he/him/his

[clemcowboy]

happy lesbian day of visibility from one of the many men I’ve had crushes on!

on this occasion I will be telling my audience of none about my experiences with comphet

*I understand that the term was created by a terf, and upon reading the actual definition of comphet, I realized it’s far more political than what I’m thinking of. I’m talking about the socialization of women to be “attracted” to men and how inherent attraction to and of men has been to being a woman. Apparently, a more inclusive/accurate term is coercive heteronormativity, so I’ll say cohet instead. Still gonna tag comphet for the clout ofc 😔

I have known I liked women from the time I was 12. That’s almost 5 years and for most of it a day never went by when I didn’t question my attraction to women. I didn’t, until recently, call into question my attraction to men. Boys have always made me nervous, and I have always wanted them to like me. I changed myself to be more palatable for them until it stopped working. I obsessed over every interaction I had with any boy or man who I was not related to. That cannot be normal, and if it is I don’t want it. And yet, on the rare occasion that a boy did like me, I immediately did everything I could to distance myself from the situation. In 7th grade, my only guy friend told me he loved me. He biked across town to my house to deliver a Scott Pilgrim vs. The World DVD that I couldn’t even sit through. I told him I was a lesbian. I didn’t think I was a lesbian. I didn’t want to be a lesbian. I wanted to be a pretty girl that the boys liked, and when my best friend at the time told me she was in love with me, I freaked out, stopped being affectionate towards her, and our friendship was ruined. This, the exact same thing that happened with a guy, caused 12 yr old me to question my liking girls at all.

Whenever a boy has made me blush, my mind immediately goes, “this is it. you’re finally done with that gay act. you’re just like all the girls you love so much.” But when a girl is so beautiful that I can’t breathe. When she makes me yearn so much that I write terrible iNotes poetry. When I watched orange is the new black for the “plot” in seventh grade. When the only intimacy where I can imagine doing something with someone rather than having something done to me is painfully and undeniably sapphic. What’s all this then luv?? xx

This is one reason why it hurts me to read posts that say that spreading awareness about cohet is biphobic because most lesbians that have experienced cohet have experienced internalized and societal biphobia too. I know that bi girls get shit from some lesbians, and I don’t claim them, but if anything, knowing how to evaluate your attraction to men helps not only gay girls realize they’re lesbians, but bi girls feel more confident in their attraction to both genders.

Where I was at by my freshman year of high school was that I was about 50/50 with a romantic preference for women. That worked for me for the most part. I’ve still never so much as held hands with a boy. But as recently as I few months ago when I had a bad experience with a girl and was *barely* flirting with a guy, my straight friend (who is lovely and accepting) said, “maybe you’re straight after all?” Ah yes. After all. After all the ways I tried to adjust myself to the idea of a man fucking me. After all the time I spent trying to mentally prepare myself for giving a blowjob. After all the meticulous scans of my yearbook to try and find a guy who I’d be willing to do so little as kiss.

There is this video by contrapoints (“Shame”) about Natalie realizing she was a lesbian. That video is about two months old and it sent me into a spiral of oh my god i am one I definitely am one and I’ve always wanted to be one but also I can’t??? I fucking can’t I don’t want to be a lesbian I don’t want to be seen as a lesbian!! I never even heard the word lesbophobia until February and oh my gosh that ish is real. Trans lesbians like natalie and also androgynous cis lesbians have said that being a lesbian is hard because it challenges their gender identity. For me, it was my lesbianism that was compromised by my gender. I have always wanted to be perceived as a woman, and when I realized recently that I thought of lesbians in a different way than other women and wlw, it made it hard to identify as one. I always thought of lesbians almost as if they were a third gender. They were confident, androgynous, and rebellious just by existing. I idolized them, but at the same time I marginalized them. I am a lesbian and I don’t want to be in rebellion. I’m not in rebellion. I’m in harmony with who I am and who I love and the world.

I’m still working on relinquishing my want to be desired by men. It’s so difficult because women’s value seems to have always been tied to what they are to a man. And the only power women seem to have been bestowed is sexual power over men. I’m not ready to give what little I have of that up yet, but I’m getting there. Because I know that every woman is more than that, and my internalized misogyny will not win!

so yes. I know my experiences are far from universal. There are butch lesbians, nb lesbians, and he/him lesbians and more unique people whose struggles I will never experience. But those were mine :)) let’s go lesbians!